The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 342 - Live! Stuart Goldsmith, Nick Cody & Nick Capper

Episode Date: April 26, 2017

eBay Deals, Toilet Heckles and Capper's Corner. Recorded LIVE at the European Bier Cafe on April 23, 2017.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This week on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, the final of our live episodes from April featuring Stuart Goldsmith, Nick Cody and Nick Capper. But before we get into the episode, we have to do a little bit of housekeeping. We have done our comedy festival shows and so of course the next thing to focus on is the rich young, is a fucking idiot and is stupid piece of shit YouTube channel, Guru One, presents the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival. Oh, that just flows off the lips, doesn't it? Wow. Did I read the copy correctly?

You did. Yeah, that's basically it, I think. I think it is. Yeah, very exciting, guys. So as we just close the door on another bunch of live shows, the ones from Melbourne, our next live show is going to be from next door, from Melbourne's sister city, Cheweng Beach

in Koh Samui. One of the largest islands in Thailand. At the moment, I mean, we're recording this like two days after the drunk cast, so the thought of doing anything at this point is making me feel physically sick. But I'm looking for,

I think in a few days I'll begin looking forward to this trip. Well, I said just before we recorded this, I said to you, I'm back in the mood. And when I'm in the mood for Thailand, this is what I do. I sit up at night and I just crawl through YouTube and look for Thailand videos and stuff like that, stuff of anyone with a GoPro walking down the street or swimming around. I've never done it. You've got to send me some links so I can get hyped up.

Maybe make a little dossier for people coming. Maybe make the Chandler hype kit. I will definitely put a Lonely Planet, a dumb cunt planet out there for the people who are coming because I want people to know what the good restaurants are. In terms of, you know what, this is something that we will have to spend the next month thinking about and looking at is the sort of the other stuff that we're going to do there. Like if we want to go and do a tour, we want to go and do a, you know, ride the elephant sort of stuff, which is something I'm not super into just because of the cruelty sort of aspect of it and all that sort of stuff.

Yeah. You don't like things that are cruel. Well, to animals, to people, fine, but not to animals. I want to go quad biking. I went quad biking when I was in Bali a few years ago. Okay. Fuck, it's fun. Okay, I'll do that.

It's very bogan, but it's so fun. Sure. So we should get a group together for that. Yeah. If people want to come and do that. Yeah, yeah, sure. Yeah, there's go-kart racing, there's waterfalls. I did a cooking.

A cooking school is the only sort of thing I've ever done over there really yeah okay that'd be cool i'd be up for that yeah it's a little bit expensive but it's it's a nice thing like you go there in the morning you can you make your own lunch yeah um so yeah for three hours or so just stay in the room watch some in-house movies yeah what's the fucking point going outside when they've got fucking fast and furious yeah i'll bring home some for you in a doggy bag. Chuck the kids at the pool, fucking draw the blinds and put on the fucking in-house

movies. Isn't that Bogan being obsessed with what's available on the in-house movies? Do they even have them anymore? In-house movies? Definitely. I never... Oh man, the in-house TV over there is so... There's only been one time where I enjoyed the in-house TV over there is so there's only been one time where I

enjoyed the in-house TV stuff which is that I was there when one of the oh which time was it I think

Rudd got no Gillard got thrown over for Rudd or vice versa and they have an Australia channel over there oh yeah

you know what I was in I was in I was over there at the same time we were over there at the same time. Oh, right. We were over there roughly the same time in different parts of the country. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

To be fair, I reckon you've been there over every major political development for the last eight years. I was there when Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon. So, no, I was getting some suits done in a shop once and they had a live Adelaide versus Essendon game. Oh, great. Fantastic. Which I was getting fitted for a suit and watching the footy in Thailand.

Fuck yeah. That's a very touristy thing to do. All three of them. Thailand, getting a suit done in Thailand and watching the footy in Thailand. Watching the footy. The trifecta. Yeah. So that is May 31st until June the 4th Or 5th

We say 5th because I guess we're sort of leaving the 5th Sort of Yeah I mean you're not going to fly out on June 4th Because June 4th we'll have a thing on that night So it's June 5th Yeah so that's all happening The Ozo Chuang Samui Hotel

Enter the code podcast on their website To get a sweet discount Yeah and it is a very generous discount So get onto that it's a beautiful place uh it's where it's the home of the podcast in terms of that's where we're all staying we've got plenty of plenty of numbers staying there at the moment so to be in the hub the go fund me page which you can find at little dumdumclub.com we are using those funds to fly over guests and to finance a little movie that we're going to make about your project. It's exciting. It's been a great amount of money that you've sent us so far

because basically every cent is accounted for at the moment. So it's all gone to guests flying out, a bit of paid for accommodation. We've got a guy filming it, making a movie, all this sort of stuff. So all those cents are... And you'll get extra bonus content and stuff for chipping in. Totally.

You chuck in the $10 minimum and we are going to be – it's going to be – I'm starting to get realistic about it. It's not going to be so much of a holiday as it is just an absolute content fest. Yeah, I've been trying to say this to you for a very long time. No, but the amount of us giving back to the people that have chucked in the money, we're going to have to get up every day. I reckon we do like a video blog or whatever it is. We're going to be filming and recording stuff most of of the day so totally it'll be fun um okay so also oh the t-shirts for that the

merchandise the singlets and the kosa mui logo uh t-shirt they uh yeah a few people bought them over the course of the festival um get onto that get onto the website and see what they look like visually they are two uh two tomm Tommy Dasolos originals yet again. One a bit less original than the other, but sure. Well, I guess I've seen an elephant before. You're right. No, they're great looking shirts. The singlets in particular, people have really taken a fancy to because we haven't done a singlet before.

So especially given that the weather in Melbourne has turned to shit and people are still buying singlets. It's like, all right, we'll chuck that in the cupboard for six months, I guess. So littledumbdumbclub.com to find them. And they all work towards raising funds for the Curse of Movie Podcast Festival. Yes, the profits for them

are going towards that as well. Also, the Patreon. Thank you to everyone who's continuing to support us on that. Your contributions every month really help us out and make a huge difference and we really appreciate it.

We send you bonus episodes. We send you a magazine. We've built a well with it. Yes. We drink specifically from that well now. Thank you. We were drinking very dirty water before and we had cholera. And now we're coming good.

So thank you very much for doing that. Yes. Dumb Dumb Village has really taken a turn. So a big part of it too is we read your name out at the beginning of the show if you've chipped in. What a treat. Thank you to – let's do five this week. Okay.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber Chris Tatterson. Tatterson? Yeah. A little bit like Tattersals as in we've hit the lottery. That's pretty good. By getting little Chrissy boys at dollars. I've got to tell you, so we said this is two days after the drunk cast. We just did a Patreon bonus episode before this.

I did an episode of my other podcast this morning. I don't know if I've got this in me. I'm going to do my best, but for something that I find to be difficult even at the best of times, you just read that name out and I went, oh, fuck, I don't know if I can do this today. I really don't know if I've got the stamina. Well, look, these guys are all, I always find it hard to find which people I'm going to read out, but I have to say this week I've gone with some recent people.

So I try and reward the older sort of, the people who've been subscribed for quite a while, but you've got to read out five names. It's actually hard to go through and copy and paste all that sort of stuff. So these guys are reasonably recent. If you're an old school person that hasn't had your name read out, and there's plenty of you, give us a holler. Yep. Give us a bitch.

Get on the old complaining phone. Crack the shits. That's the way to get recognized. Exactly. The squeaky cunt gets the grease. So get on to it. Give me a big complaint. Thanks, Tattison.

Tatto. He's foregone the money he would have. Oh, man. He's got Tat in his name. Has there been anyone else apart from a friend of the show, Demi Lardner, that's got a dum-dum tattoo? Has anyone else? Yeah, I'd like to know that.

Maybe. Yeah, I feel. Well, but then surely we would know about it. There's no way you'd do that and keep it to yourself. Exactly. Maybe someone wants to come and get that done in Thailand when they get fucking AIDS while they do it. Oh, AIDS.

Yeah, from a dodgy needle. Oh, okay. One of the great exports of Thailand. Yes. Thanks, Chris Tatterson. Thanks. Thanks, Hiv. Thanks.

Poor. Thanks, Magic Tatterson. Then we'll just decide he's got it. Yep. Thank you to, oh, very simple name. Here we go. I don't know whether this is something good to work with or bad to work with. Let's see.

Thank you to Joe Kane. Joe Kane. Not cocaine, but Joe Kane. Not Joe King, but Joe Cain. But Joe Cain. Nice. Yeah. There's a couple of examples of things that your name is not,

but one example of something your name is is Joe Cain. Boy Joe or girl Joe? I would say boy because it's got the E on the end. Can you be a girl with an E on the end? I don't think you can, no. I don't think you can. Joe Cain. That's a bit of a Hollywood name, I reckon.

Well, I mean, I'm so excited over this financial contribution that I'm Joe Cain my dick right now. He's done it. He didn't think he had it in him. No, that was it. He's got it. Now I'm actually going to... That was the last little bit of reserve that I had left.

I'm going to have to sit in silence now. No, I think you've got it in you. You didn't even think you had that in it. And that's one from a good day. I like that one. Thank you. Joe Cain, my little dick. Thanks, Joe.

Thanks, Joe. Thank you to listener and contributor to Patreon, Brenton DeCocco. Brenton, doesn't that remind you of the time you were Brenton. DeCoco. Brenton. Doesn't that remind you of the time you were Brenton, your little DeCoco? Sure. Don't you like to give your DeCoco a bit of a Brent?

It would be good if Brenton married Joe and they had a hyphenated last name. So it could be Joe Kane DeCocco. Jerkin' DeCocco. Jerkin' DeCocco. Jerkin' DeCocco. Jerkin' DeCocco. I think he's on the UN, Jerkin' DeCocco.

See, this is what I mean. It's too much. It's too much. Oh, I'm quite delighted in all of this. Thanks, Brenton. Man, those two names, Brenton and DeCocco. I like it. They clash, I think.

Anyway, interesting choice. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Daniel Skirka. I thought it was going to be Sloss for a second. No. Skirka Daniel Skirka. I thought it was going to be Sloss for a second. No. Skirka. Skirka. Actually, no, I just saw on Twitter last night, you know, we were trying to sell our shirts and stuff.

It seems like fucking our guests just take them these days. And last weekend, quite a few of our guests just go, oh, yeah, we're going to have that shirt from now on. We're like, okay. I think we've lost more shirts to guests than we have sold them to punters. Right. Interesting. But back to Daniel Skirka.

Skirka. S-K-U-R-K-A. Skirka. Skirka. I don't think I've ever seen that name before. Yeah, I like it. I'm not sure if I do. I don't know what nationality that is.

I don't know that that's a very positive sounding name. I don't know. I don't even know what that guy's ancestors did hundreds hundreds of years ago skirkin the gherkin oh fuck why is everyone's names obsessed with pulling their dicks this way i don't know you compiled them you tell me maybe you were trying to give us a few softballs well consciously well i think sigmund freud has a little bit to say about this or or as I pronounce his name, Sigmund Freuding my dickhole. I'd like to suck off Sigmund Freud. Oh, whoops, sorry, I mean.

I mean, fuck my own mum. Try and get something out of that, Freudy. Thanks, Daniel. And 50, we're rattling through these ones. I guess as a sign that we are a bit tired. Yes. Let's get straight to the fifth one. This is going to be a quick patron read this week.

People won't know what to do with themselves. I bet we get complaints now that this episode is too short. Yeah, yeah. Well, you can go and joke hang your little decocko. This is a great episode, by the way, that we're about to get to. Oh, yeah, it is too. It is too. They all are.

Yeah. Thank you to fifth Patreon subscriber for this week. Thank you to Mrs Comedy. Oh, I guess that's the wife of Mr Comedy. Mr Comedy was last week, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. I appreciate that.

I'm sure some people, like, you know, they're in a couple and they both listen and one of them contributes sort of on behalf of the couple. Yeah. It's nice to see both of them individually chipping in. You know what I'm a little bit more concerned about? That Mr Comedy and Mrs Comedy are married, but they're each contributing, meaning they don't have a joint account. I don't know.

Is that bad? That a married couple are contributing separately? I feel a little bit like one of them, you know, they've got a bit of an exit plan. Oh, really? Well, they don't have the joint account. Do you think Mrs. Comedy might go back to her maiden name of Mrs. Riffing? Yeah.

Ms. Riffing. Ms. Riffing. Yeah. Ms. Drama. Miss riffing. Miss drama. Miss, the drama festival. Yeah. Thanks,

thanks Mrs. Comedy. Thanks for seeing what your husband did last week. Thanks for everything you've done for us over the last month. Yeah. Mrs. Comedy. We really,

we couldn't have done it without you. Yeah. Well, we, we did some parts of it without you. You were trying to get in, but we were like, no, no, we've got this. We've done some of this intro without you.

We can't freeload off you forever. Okay, so littledumbdumbclub.com for all that Koh Samui Podcast Festival information. The Patreon link is up there. And also to people in other parts of the country, Sydney, Canberra, Brisbane. We are looking at the next steps. Once we get Koh Samui done and all organized and everything, the aim is that we shut the little fucking flapping mouth hindings of a bunch of you who are all saying,

why don't you come to Sydney? Why don't you come back to Brisbane? Why don't you come to Canberra? Well, we want to do it all. So they're the next three big goals. We're going to go back to do solo shows in Brisbane, and then maybe a little something, Patreon, read something, a little podcasting.

But Sydney, yeah, I mean, we've got to get back. And Canberra, we went there last year, and it was great. Yeah. And it was a full room, so we feel like we've been... We should try to do solos there as well. Yeah, okay. It's kind of hard to do with the amount of time it takes to get there, but... Yeah, yeah, yeah, we've got to figure it all out

but yeah guys that are in you know what Brisbane we love the Hay-Yah Bar we always go to the Hay-Yah Bar so we feel like we're quite settled there maybe and

but in Sydney and Canberra guys that live there guys that go to see bands or go and see comedy or stuff like that or even just know people

that work in pubs that might suit them I mean we're always going to bring a heap of listeners along. We'd love a bit of info. If you think we should be going to a certain cool pub in Canberra or Sydney, let us know because we don't live there. We don't know it inside out. But the places we've used before have been quite nice,

but maybe we're starting to slightly outgrow those rooms as well. So maybe we need something slightly bigger or that look less like rape dungeons than both of them were. Sure. Big time. Yeah, that should be a priority. Yeah. Somewhere a little more nicer.

Without the do not cross police tape all the way through. Yeah. All right, guys. So keep an eye on that. Thank you for your support. If you came down to these shows over the last month, it was lovely to meet and see a bunch of you there. Totally.

Always a great time of the year. Oh, and we'll do something in Melbourne again soon. Yeah. We'll say that. Give it a little bit of a break. We've got a sort of a little half plan, like a, you know what? We sort of want to do the equivalent. We'll give it a little while,

but we want to do like what we did last year when we had a 300 there. Yeah, a big one. And that was massive. We want to do, we'll save up, we'll let you do your own thing for a few months yeah but then we want to do the biggest show yet we want to do yeah one like the 500 seater that we filled last year we want to do one of those ones yeah that was awesome we've got we've got an idea we've got an idea of what can draw you guys out of your little rabbit holes yeah so that'll be coming up soon yeah all right guys enjoy this episode with stewartsmith, Nick Cody and Nick Capper

Hey mate, welcome Quite a lot of love in the room Welcome to the Little Dum Dum Club Live from the European Beer Cafe What a lot of love in the room. Welcome to the Little Dum Dum Club, live from the European Beer Cafe. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Daslow and sitting next to me, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickheads. My voice finally broke.

Welcome, everyone, to Tommy's 14th birthday party. I'm finally ready to fuck. Who's keen? It's been a long wait, but finally. It's been a long wait. How long have you been waiting to fuck your 14? Yeah. Since you've been one, you've been like, I can't wait to grow a dick. As soon as that doctor pulled me out and gave me a little spank on the fanny, I was like, this feels good.

As soon as you came out of a vagina, you're like, I can't wait to go back in. Yeah. It was like, it was less wah-wah and more choke me, daddy. That felt great. What's that? Best show? Me?

It wasn't even a show. It was just one riff. And I've won the award? Wow. But I'm part of the show. Don't I get to be part of that or? I sort of set it up. Look at how I'm holding my phone.

We can't see at home, Tommy. How were you holding the phone for people at home? Up my arse. All right. Wow. Truly was choke your daddy. So. That didn't even make sense so you can't take offence at it.

Fucking hell. What a desperate attempt at a callback. That really was choke your daddy. Thanks very much for coming, guys. If you've enjoyed it, tell some mates. If you haven't liked it, shut the fuck up. Go out and see some more shows at the Comedy Festival. Or maybe go out and choke your daddy.

Oh, fuck, it didn't work. All right. All right. Thanks for coming, guys. Packed in here. Awesome, thanks very much. One empty seat in the third row. Why? Oh, guys. Packed in here. Awesome. Thanks very much. One empty seat in the third row. Why? Oh, yeah. Well... Yeah. Why? Does anyone want to take

that empty seat that's over there? Does anyone want to jump in there? No. Alright. Cool. Alright. Very good. Shut up. So... Yeah, I wonder why people don't want to be closer to us. I did... On the way in, I got a few messages on the Twitter, on the social medias. Someone deeply regretted the name that they put on the Tribe booking listing

as they walked in and had to say their name instead of just show a ticket. And that person was Cunty McCuntface. Thanks for buying a ticket. I mean, if your last name's McCuntface, don't call your daughter Cunty McCuntface Thanks for buying a ticket I mean if your last name's McCuntface Don't Don't call your daughter Cunty Oh is that a girl's name?

Yeah Oh right Hey man it's 2017 Yeah right Women can be just as cunty as men Wow Also got a tweet that said Check it out

In the third row There's a dum-dum virgin It's a live podcast. I don't think you needed to use the words dumb dumb in there. Took them a while, didn't it? Yeah. Until they went, oh, that's right, we haven't had sex. Oh, I've lost them again.

All right. Where's the dumb dumb virgin? Is that where the empty seat is? Because that's in the third row. Yeah. They didn't last very long. There's a lot going on in that third row. They heard the theme music and went, nah, I'm out.

Hang on. It sounds like shit. Is the dumb dumb version the dude with sunglasses on inside? Yeah. Is that really you? No. Okay. Then why have you got sunglasses on inside?

Prescription. Prescription. Should we go down this alley? Should we? I feel like I shouldn't, but I can't help myself. What exactly was the prescription for? For what, sorry? Short-sighted.

Does that mean you can only see something close or far away? Only close. So you can't see us at all? Oh, that's right, you fixed it with the glasses. Fuck. At all. Oh, that's right, you fixed it with the glasses. Fuck.

So wait, you can't see very well, and the prescription was, some sunglasses should clear this right up. This'll help. Everyone feels a bit tense now, don't they? Have you been to a couple of these? You were here last week? Yeah, I've seen you in the crowd, and I've contemplated making fun of you every week.

I thought, I'll save it for the last one, I reckon. Are you coming back from the drunk cast? Because then we'll really let you know what we think of you. Are you really? Fuck yeah. Oh yeah, but by the drunk cast I think we'll need those glasses as well. You got in early, you look blind already. Alright, we got there.

We won over everyone over there. Everyone is as big of a cunt as us. Awesome. So it is the last day of the comedy festival, and we are part of that. Not the show, but anyway. We do do a solo show. Who's been to the solo shows?

Numbers are on the up by the sounds of it. Yeah, who hasn't been? Oh, very happy. Fuck. Anyway, no, it's been great. Thank you to all the people who cheered the first time. The rest of you, I hope you need glasses soon. It's kind of brutal but very soft at the same time yeah yeah i did have a a funny little there was a funny little thing that happened in your show

the other night that i thought was worth recounting um as you started if you remember this the way that the room is set up downstairs is like you're on stage and the staircase is sort of behind you right so a big bunch of businessmen came down to get a ticket and I was watching them and they came down. You were already mid-show. It was ten minutes in. And they come down and I thought, oh, these guys look like they're in the wrong place.

They're all in business suits. Yeah. And they come down and they were like going like this. Oh, yeah, yeah, this sounds right. They come down and then they said to the person on the door, cool, so this is an Edmunds show, isn't it? Wow. They couldn't see you. They just heard you and they asked if it was an Edmunds show, isn't it? Wow. They couldn't see you.

They just heard you and they asked if it was an Edmunds. From down at the town hall, they heard me shrieking from all the way down there going on about people in shopping centres and other bullshit. Yeah. Congratulations on the Barry nomination. Thank you. Thank you.

Yeah. Cool. I've been asking people why they're in... Because a lot of dumb nom fans come to our solo shows, not as many as should, but still. And so you always get randoms, and I'm always spooked by random people that come in, like, fuck, why?

Why would you...? I've seen the Stardew Show several times. It's a very curious way to begin a gig, where your crowd work is literally saying to every person in the room, why are you here? People are asking themselves the same question by the end of that little interlude. Yes. Someone the other night said, I room, why are you here? People are asking themselves the same question by the end of that little interlude. Yes.

Someone the other night said, I said, why? And she goes, oh, I didn't want to say. I said, why? Tell me. Just as I've done to this young gentleman here. I said, why? I demand the answer. She goes, I picked your show because Chandler from Friends.

What a weird way. She's just seen that one word And seen all the other stuff And even the picture And gone Nah Matthew Perry's bound to be in this one It's just lucky that there was no other show That was called Monica In the festival this year

Or I would have lost one ticket Alright didn't need the last bit Yeah so how's it been going How's the full idiot circus been going this year? It seems like a pretty tame year for you. It has been a little bit tame this year, yeah. Getting soft in your old age. Yeah.

It's, no, nothing too amazing, I don't think. Just like, well... Enough about the content. What about what's been going on outside of that? Considering my job in the show is literally to get shit hung on me and have people yell at me, it's been a bit boring. For anyone else's show, it would have been the weirdest show in the festival, but it's just like everyone's

hanging off the ceiling yelling cunt at me par for the course for my show. Well, this is the eighth year you've done it, so you've probably settled into it by now. Hasn't been that long. Comedy. Now I can see why that one guy didn't turn up i've been i've been telling this in my show but i'll retell it here on the podcast there's a you know when you do the festival

you kind of think that it's like the most important thing in the world and that everyone in the city is like super into the comedy festival yeah and you realize that that's not really the case i bumped into my old housemate uh a couple of weeks ago i lived with her about two years ago for eight months and she tells me what she's doing and then she goes, oh, and how's all your stuff? And I go, yeah, good. Actually, last night I just started my new show at, you know, the festival. And she goes, oh, yeah, that would have been at the food and wine festival.

Nah, probably the comedy festival. So it's been good trying out 50 minutes of new bolognese recipes every night for the last month. And those of you coming to my solo show tonight are going to hear that joke again in an hour and a half. I want a standing O for it. If you're coming, give me

a standing O when I do that bit at the start of the show. Alright. Let's get our first guest on. Alright, cool. Folks, you would have seen him on Conan. What of it? Please welcome back into the little Dumb Dumb Club, Nick Cody! Oh fuck.

G'day lads. How are we? How you doing? Fuck, I just had like PTSD from the roast just there and I'm sitting back down. Shut up, cunt. That's the spirit. You were going to say that regardless. Welcome back.

Welcome back, Nicody, to the little dum-dum club. It's been a long time. Must be two weeks or so. Yeah. Fun two weeks. I did Willie Anderson's podcast. All right, mate. The next night.

Yeah, we all know people and do stuff. That's the thing, isn't it? And it was so hard because everyone was being generally nice to each other. What's that like? I don't know. Yeah. It's very weird. How did they fill the time?

With pre-prepared material. But in which angle did Will start complaining about how no one comes to his solo shows? Maybe they are like the anti-dumb-dumb club. He's literally the People's Choice Award winner. Yeah, yeah. I mean, we've got plenty of people here, but they all just sort of don't like us that much.

I know that from when Tommy said before, and you'll hear that same joke in my solo show, and somebody went, like, yeah, as if we're going to that shit. Keep dreaming, slugger. Well, round of applause here for the person who hasn't been to Will Anderson's solo show. It's not bad. That's not bad.

Yeah, cop that, cunt. Summer in your jocks. It's quite obvious he hasn't bought an ad on this week's episode. Hey, so we should talk about this. We have some DVDs from Eccentric Serbian billionaire Milan Krejcivic And this is a previous life of him

He used to run a DVD company called Punchline A lot of the biggest comedians in Australia And internationally that were putting out DVDs So he doesn't do that anymore And Harley Brain Yes Fuck he will bash you for that And he did

He's got a big warehouse Inside his house That still has all the DVDs So even though he's not working For them anymore He's still giving us DVDs from Punchline To give out on the show

Just to clear out that spare room He swaps them at the bar for shots So So he's given us a bunch to give away. So I guess we'll give away some today because we're going to think of a competition but then we barely booked any guests, let alone doing that. I don't think Milan actually ran a DVD company.

He just saw a bunch of people in JB Hi-Fi and, nah, that's fucking on me. Grab whatever you want. What could the competition be? A person with the worst sight in this crowd? Oh yeah, let's give them a visual medium. What do you get the man who has everything except for his

vision? Okay. Elaborate. Are we? Sorry mate. I think it's okay because he's still looking at us thinking I'm better

off than you cunts. This is great. We've gone from roasting each other and our friends are just roasting people in the crowd with disabilities.

I did wonder how we were going to bring it further downhill from how we've been going. Handy cap or handy cunt? You be the judge. Oh no, there's still more in it. Alright. I thought that might have been it, but no, these guys are keen for more.

Okay, so we've got, we do have some DVDs. So we were looking through the bag of stuff last week that he gave us. Well, this is a couple of weeks ago when we got the big bag full of DVDs. We've got a big bag here and we look through going, all right. The Milan show bag. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. This is Melbourne show.

Yeah, he's a DVD about Bertie Beadle. So, very obscure reference. A few people enjoy it. So we decided we wanted to look through to see if there was any friends of the show that would be completely applicable. And we found that what we think now, a couple of weeks later, might be a bit of a collector's item. It is...

Fuck, what did I do with it? Well, it was great while it lasted. Oh, the suspense. I actually took it out of the bag thinking, I'll take it out because I may have lost it. Oh, no, I've got it. Oh, you have lost it. Oh, no, I've got it. Oh, you've got it. Oh, fuck.

All right, good. Oh, someone in the crowd actually... Yeah, all right. Good. So, we thought this may come in useful because to our good fortune, a couple of weeks ago, a guest that was on our show once died.

Charlie Murphy, right? Eddie Murphy's brother. But this is signed. So now we're thinking, this has got to be worth something, yeah? Blind people, fine, but Eddie Murphy's dead, brother. Don't you dare go near him. The guy from that Rick James sketch, don't you?

He's untouchable, don't you fucking... Do you know how much that bet would have paid first dark-skinned guest from the Dum Dum Club to die? Oh, right. Dil, you fuck my multi-bet! Tim-bet. Tim Waterhouse.

Let's T-A-B more T-I-M. So we've done, we've paid a fitting tribute. We've paid a fitting tribute to him by putting it on eBay. Yeah, it's on eBay. What a great price as well. You can bid for it right now if you search sign Charlie Murphy DVD. The starting bid is $6.90. DVDs for two.

The item description is sign Charlie Murphy DVD. DVDs for two. The item description is sign Charlie Murphy DVD. See you mate! Oh come on! The blind guy likes it! He is a barometer now. He liked it. Get into it.

So please if you want to put a bid in now on your phone, we can keep this updated going throughout the show. Anyone? No bids yet? It'd be great to just recoup the listing fee at the very least. What is the listing fee on eBay? It's like three bucks or something. Oh, fuck.

Come on, guys. I mean, it's not enough that it's 250 of you that have paid 25 bucks for us to talk about a dead guy. Not just a dead guy. A dead guy's DVD. All right. To be honest, five minutes ago we thought this would go better than this. Well, okay. Let's bring up a recent death.

That'll cheer everyone up on this sunny Sunday, Arvo. Yeah, well, they love recent deaths. We were talking about our solo shows before, and they loved that. Well, okay, here's another thing that we've just put up on eBay. We tried to do it through Try Booking, and it wouldn't work.

Okay, so we tried to do this last year. We couldn't get it to work through Try Booking for some reason, but it's up on eBay now. So the drunk cast is, of course, coming up later tonight, 11pm. Priority entry for season pass tickets holders. We've had people hit us up and say, is there any way of getting in and guaranteeing a way

to get in if we don't have a season pass? We've just put on sale one ticket. It is $100 and the seat is here on stage. So you're guaranteed entry into the show but you have to sit here and get shit poured on you for the entire gig by us. It's called the dumb cunt seat.

Yeah, it's, I had to censor I didn't think eBay would let me have the word cunt in a listing. So it's dumb, one word dumb c, dumb cunt but the c, the u is a asterisk. Asterisk, yeah. So if you just search drunk cast as one word on eBay,

you'll be able to find that. So, yeah. Yeah, so if you, sorry? What the hell? Ended. Oh, fuck. Why can't we do anything right? What the fuck is wrong with you? Wait.

Where did it go? It says it's ended. Is it sold? You can't, but it's eBay. Is it an auction? You can't buy it straight away. No, I put a buy it now price. Oh. Yeah. Oh, we've got it's eBay. Is it an auction? You can't buy it straight away, can you? No, I put a buy it now

price. Oh. Oh, we've got a buyer. Have we got a buyer? Yeah. Where's it say? eBay item. Oh, right.

Oh, fuck yeah. Oh, yeah, under the email that says your eBay item has sold. Maybe look in that one. Oh, fuck. It's cereal pest. It's a cereal

dum-dum pest. Oh, g'dayay You didn't buy it It says you did It says you did I've got your hundred bucks You fucking idiot Somebody down there Just said ninety-seven dollars

Thanks for the maths Sale price A hundred dollars Quantity sold One Buyer Sarah I've got your address too Should I read that out? the maths. Sale price, $100. Quantity sold, one. Buyer, Sarah. I've got your address too. Should I read that out? Salt of Point, Western Australia.

That sounds nice. It says your name here. You bought it. No. I've got $100 of yours now. And I've got your email address. What do you mean you didn't buy it? $100. Oh yeah, fair. How do you mean you didn't buy it? Oh yeah, fair. How do you accidentally buy a $100 dumb cunt seat?

Oh, so then... But why does it say sold and given all her details if we haven't bought it? Are there any lawyers in the room? Is she contractually obligated to give us the money now? Oh, so we definitely have the money or not? given all her details if we haven't bought it? Are there any lawyers in the room? Yeah. Is she contractually obligated to give us the money now? Oh, so we definitely have the money or not? I don't know. Fuck.

It says it's sold. This is the fucking worst mystery of all time. What the fuck are we trying to figure out here? This last five minutes has been like an 80-year-old trying to read the troubleshooting section of eBay. Where's it gone? Where's it gone where's money where's money i bet i bet she's really scared of the roasting we're gonna give her when we can't even figure out if we sold a ticket or not fucking hell oh yeah you didn't because we've got them all right we'll work this out later.

It seems like we're giving you half your money's worth already, you fucking idiot. I do love Chandler's tone. Hey, we're trying to sell something here this afternoon. Oh, you bought it, you fucking idiot. Well, you wouldn't say that as you're saying, can you buy it? Now you've bought it, fuck you. The customer's always a cunt.

Kyle Chandler's school of retard. Alright, shall we get our second guest here? Folks, this guy is from the UK. It's his first time on the podcast. You may have listened to his show, The Comedian's Comedian Podcast. Very similar. Welcome into Little Dunlop Club, Stuart Goldsmith!

I'll move down. I'll move down. Fuck it, that's it. into Little Dunlop Club, Stuart Goldsmith! I'll move down. I'll move down. Hello, everybody. Thank you for having me. I've been very much enjoying the ribald banter up until this point. My favourite bit was when you asked this audience, is there a lawyer in?

We really should ask that more often than we do, to be honest. Well, like, we're literally going... I don't think we've explained this to you, but we're going to Thailand. We're taking a live podcast to Thailand. Yeah. And someone the other day went,

you should get a lawyer for that. And we're like, fuck, we actually really need to do that. Yeah. Because that's a place where the amount of Australians die is a fucking lot. Yeah. Good ad. Milan's coming.

Yeah. And Milan's coming, so it's about to be a lot more. Yeah. A lot of Australians die is a fucking lot. Yeah. Good ad. And Milan's coming. Yeah. And Milan's coming, so it's about to be a lot more. Yeah. A lot of Australians die over there. Prove it. Prove it. There really is a lot of dodgy Russians over there, and he's close enough, basically.

So now that you've made fun of the dodgy Russians, do you also need some security? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So we actually do need some security? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we actually do need some legal advice. I don't know. I mean, to you, is this the sort of thing you do on your podcast?

Have you ever brought anyone into a different continent? I've never used the word handy cunt, so I don't know if I... Sounds great with a British accent. You should use it more. You sound like the Queen. I get that an awful lot. No, this isn't... My podcast is not entirely similar to this.

Nick, Cody's been on it recently. We talked about how comedy is or isn't like UFC. Oh, right. And what did we come up with? People won't fight back in comedy. Right. No. I just...

Fuck that. That really... That was a bit dark, wasn't it? Yeah. I actually did fight a listener of this show on a train once. Oh, you did too? I didn't fight him. You fought?

You fought? Yeah, he tipped a beer on me and I grabbed him by the throat. And is that... I've not been in Australia long. Is that a sort of traditional greeting exchange? Yeah. Yeah. Well, to be fair, we were in Ballarat, so probably yes. Yeah.

I've heard of Ballarat. Nice, and you get the joke. No, thanks for having us. I know your one is a bit more serious than us. I mean, to be honest, you've got a big podcast, a successful comedy podcast, and you've been flown in here to the Comedy Festival and put up and put on the gala.

It's really sad to make us think, we should get into podcasting. Seems like it really pays off. Yeah, true story. Well, we were chatting a couple of weeks ago when I first arrived about the fact that my podcast has been going about five years and yours has been going

slightly longer than that, five or six years. And that makes us... Why is that a laugh? What does that mean? I think what they're laughing at is the fact that you clearly didn't know how long your podcast has been going. Yeah, sounds plausible. But it's a bit sad to keep track of it, to be fair. Also, some people down here caught it before. When he came on, you said to Stu, yeah, sounds plausible. But it's a bit sad to keep track of it, to be fair.

Also, some people down here caught it before. When he came on, you said to Stu, thanks for having us. Yeah. Hang on, is this not your podcast? This is my podcast. It's an incredibly meta Inception-style podcast. Right, right, right. But you owe me a lot of money. All of your donations.

So, yeah, I do a show where I interview comedians in depth about their writing process. I'm sure I'll get round to you guys. He's got the hang of it. He's got the hang of it. What was the word you said before, process? I've never heard that one before. Well, I've had people like Russell Brand and Stuart Lee

and Jimmy Carr and people like that on the show. But really, I suppose, preparing for this one, one of the things that I want to talk about when I investigate people's process, writing, structure, strategy, development, is there's this duck sandwich joke. And I'd really... I really want to try and get under the skin of that. I'll field this one.

What do you want to know? I've been asked everything about it over the years. I mean, how I came up with it was just like a bolt of lightning hit me one day in the brain and I went... That would make sense. One of those ones where you have to Google it over and over because you're like, this is so great, surely it's been written before. Ringing round all the great one-liner comics. Jimmy, have you used this before?

Yes, Stephen Wright, yeah. It's such a relatable thing. So many of us eat duck sandwiches. All the great One Lighter comics have their phone numbers out there in the public domain, so that's the one thing that binds all of you. Very easy to get a hold of. Yeah, so look, in conclusion, I can't

reveal my secrets because you never know when Duck Sandwich 2's going to come along and I don't want someone to beat me to the punch. Duck Sandwich 2, the pancake. Duck sandwich two has come along this year because you're doing it at the end of your show again after doing it for the last three years.

To be fair, it's because people are screaming for it. Now, I know it is the first ironic encore there's ever been, but people are literally demanding it, and most of the time they're demanding it one joke in, you fucking cunts. I also love too, because you're in the basement here at the European Beer Cafe, people walking past can see down, and I like to think of people walking past and just hearing, Duck sandwich! Duck sandwich!

being held in the basement. Yeah, but normally it's a restaurant down there, so it's just like some very angry diners. Where's my duck sandwich? Yeah, they sit down and then they see this on the table saying order up at the counter. They're like, nah, fuck that. Duck sandwich!

And they look down and they go, well, it can't be a comedy show. No one's laughing. All right. Should we talk about... I don't know how many people would have seen this, but when I heckled your show, is this worth talking about? Oh, yeah. Yeah, this has sort of been my favourite night.

Yeah. Oh, thanks, Carl. Thanks. Thanks for having me. Take notes. That's how you actually use it. Right, right, right. Yeah, it was like the middle of your show

and I really needed to go toy-toy, so I just took the microphone into the dunny with me. A real test of the length of the chords down there. And I honestly, like, you know, for example, the duck sandwich joke, it actually took me a long time to write and, you know... And I think you can tell. What were the first drafts of it before you hit on that sweet punchline?

Duck boulevard. Didn't make any sense. Ducks don't eat pastry. Doesn't structure me. That's why I chucked it out. Bang, you can see. You can see into the mind of another genius. It's all there.

It's all there. Bang. Yeah, you've done Russell Brand. I'm very similar to him So In a lot of ways As in he's not married So And he thinks he's a genius

And he's riddled with disease Slightly frightening To be in a room with And I Rooted Katy Perry Oh yeah slightly frightening to be in a room with. Rooted Katy Perry. Oh, yeah. He's just imagining it now. I wasn't thinking of a joke.

I was like, that would be cool. Have you seen the Disney movie Ratatouille, that moment when the food critic eats the sandwich and it zooms into his eye and you see his childhood? That was like what was going on. Zoom in, focus out. You saw a child

Carl Chandler thinking, oh, I'm rooting Katy Perry. You zoomed into his childhood, a little boy running around

in the 1730s. Once I beat these rickets, I'm going to fuck Katy Perry. Oh, wouldn't mind rooting Mary Curie. Can't wait to... Can't wait to jack off over that woman

who won't be born for another 70 years. Fuck, where were we? We went around, we went down... You literally were telling us where you get your ideas from. I felt like we went down a duck sandwich wormhole. A duck hole. What were we up to before that? Oh, me heckling your show.

Oh, you heckling. Yeah, yeah. So I was saying, I take a lot of time. Man, you know, and I try hard with the jokes and whatever, but fuck me, when you went into the toilet with a microphone, that was the funniest thing I've seen in, I reckon, four years. And I didn't even see it. I could just, literally you put your mic up to a tap and up to a hairdryer and I seen in, I reckon, four years. And I didn't even see it. I could just...

Literally, you put your mic up to a tap and up to a hairdryer, and I was like... I was crying. Well, the great thing for me was I was in there, and because I'm through a couple of layers of door, I couldn't really hear how it was going in the room. It was very weird to just be in a toilet going, hey, everyone, I'm in the toilet. How's this going? Is this enjoyable?

Just not able to tell if it's killing or genuinely dying. Was there anyone else in the toilet. How's this going? Is this enjoyable? Just not able to tell if it's killing or genuinely dying. Was there anyone else in the toilet when you went in and started announcing what you were doing? You've sparkled into a microphone in an empty room before. Don't worry about it. You know what? It doesn't matter how many people are in the room. They always laugh

at the we play to know people jokes. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I looked down in the bowl, I was like, oh, the comedy of Nick Cody's here, great. There's a little bit of vegans kind of poking out of there. Pro-vegan this year, I was. You are? Yeah.

Pro-vegan? Yeah, I was saying nice things about vegans. Why? Thought I'd fucking switch it up. You are? Yeah. Pro-vegan? Yeah, I was saying nice things about vegans.

Why? I thought I'd fucking switch it up. But yeah, it was genuinely bizarre to just be in there. I genuinely thought for a minute there you were saying you'd gone professionally vegan. Animals are paying him to not eat them. That's a racket. I love a bit of that. So yeah, I'm in the bathroom and I'm just yelling out going, hey everyone, here I am,

and just holding it up, the mic up to whatever I can. And then I, like... Trying to find the toilet ghosts. Honestly, you held the mic up. You held the mic up to the hand dryer and it killed. It got a bigger laugh. It got a bigger laugh. Got a bigger laugh. Microphone wind.

Got a bigger laugh than any joke that I had. Well that's it. I then push the door open back into the room and I'm like going, it's going to be interesting to see how this is playing back out in the room. And I come out and everyone's just going crazy and you're on stage, you're crying. Tears running down your face. I'm like, so was it good?

Did it play well in here? Because it felt pretty good in there. At that moment, before you knew it, it was like Schrodinger's gig. You as a comedian were like, I am alive and dead at the same time. I was at a restaurant the other day and they had an item on the menu

called a Schrodinger sandwich. I thought, that's very sad in a way because once I eat the sandwich, come on, Pommy Mark Marin, help me out. What the cunt? What the bloomin' heck? Is that your impressive

English person? Yes. What the bloomin' heck? We all speak like that, that's exactly right. You chopsy little tyke. Thank you. Thanks for having me. Yes. What the blooming heck. We all speak like that. That's exactly right. You chopsy little tyke. Oh, thank you. Thanks for having me. Okay. Hey, should we get our third guest out here?

Is that what the when you went in the toilet and hung a shit? Is that what the shit said to you? Thanks for having me. Sorry. Hung a

shit. Who's ever heard that one before? Hung a shit is great. That's what they say in Maribor. Is there a lawyer in the room who can confirm that? Speaking of hanging a shit, let's get the third guest out. Folks, please welcome back into the little dum-dum club, Nick Capper.

That's right, guys. It's the Melbourne Comedy Festival. Everyone from comedy is here, from overseas, from interstate, and we've got Nick Capper. It's good to be on a podcast. Nick Capper and Nick Cody. You be on a podcast. Nick Capper and Nick Cody. You didn't even go that far on your phone.

Nick C done. Times two. What I love about this is if as an English person, I don't know if there are any in the room at the moment, looking from left to right, it's like, you're the most Australian man I've ever seen. No, you're the most Australian. Holy fuck, you're the most Australian man I've ever seen. No, you're the most Australian. Holy fuck, you're the most Australian man.

How dare you say that about our country? I think with this shit moustache, hair and cap, I've turned into Tommy. To give you a reference, blind guy, we both look fucked. Me by choice. Yeah, do you remember fucked stuff? No. Do you remember fucked stuff?

Can you make braille fucked? Yeah, just put your fingers in dog shit. Freshly hung dog shit. That's more hanging shit on us than him, so just so we're cool. Unlike all the other ones. Fuck. All right, Kappa, now that you're out here,

I think we should, we wanted everyone out here to listen to this story because something quite magnificent happened to us this week, in my opinion. I think we tell the story differently, both of us. Yeah, well, so we went to get some stuff for the drunk cast that's happening tonight. We went to get some, yeah, some costumes. Some costumes. We like to dress up because the drunk cast is unrecorded.

Fuckhead rocker Stedford, I think it's turned into. Yeah, yeah. Fucking idiot circus. So we get to be a bit more visual, so we're all going to dress up, you know, like eight-year-olds. So we went to do that. So you're going to dress up like eight-year-olds. Well, I think one of us already has, but...

Eight-year-old, 88-year-old. So me and Tommy went on a little excursion And we went to the best costume shop we could to In Airport West Because it was the cheapest When you think of the airport you think of costumes Because we know a guy who works there Who was able to give us a $10 discount So why not spend $25 in petrol getting out there

to get that sweet contra? So you want to take over the story, don't you? Yeah, so I had to stop off and get petrol and Carl stays in the car, I'm in at the counter, I'm paying for the petrol and the woman, I just go, I'll pump number five and she's looking at me but she's kind of just looking right past me with this kind of really weird look

on her face and then I just see on the till, the amount is on there so I go, oh okay, here's the money and she takes it and she's sort of still just looking past me as she takes the money and she looks really concerned and I'm like, I just sense something behind me I turn around, there is a man who would have

been like in his 70s with like, you know, grey hair, an earring in each ear, no shirt on, wearing a black bra. Not me. Thank you. Points for being first, sure. So, yeah, I freak out. because I don't know if you've ever been in a moment where all of a sudden

you go, everything about this is wrong. This feels very threatening. So I make eye contact with him, and then I just kind of turn back to her, and I'm like, something fucked is going to happen here. He reaches into his pocket and I'm like, fuck, here we go. And it's just his wallet, but the woman is now

taking ages to get me my change back and I just want to get out of there as quickly as possible. And leave her with the guy. So that's it. I clear the door. What a hero. They can compare lingerie. I get to the door and then I'm like, yeah, I'm just concerned with getting myself out there.

I'm like, well, fuck, I can't leave her with it. It just has the mark of something dodgy that's going to happen. And I'm genuinely scared of this guy and then freaked out. And then I remember something even worse to be scared of is that Carl Chandler is sitting in my car, having watched this whole scenario pan out. I look in through the window, he's just there with his phone up in front of his face,

just giggling to himself like a fucking idiot. It was like someone who brought a microphone into the toilet. It was so great. I'm so hurriedly trying to magnify the vision so I can film it. I couldn't quite tape it. Fuck, I was laughing so hard. It was so great because from my vision,

I'm out in the car, I see Dastley going, and then I see this guy walking in the bra going, this is on, this is going to be great. And I see him walk up and he stands right behind you and then I see you turn around, Dassler turns around, but it's like this, so you're the guy in the bra right and I'm you and it's like this, he does this, he stares ahead and then you can feel his dumb cunt sense tingling and he goes around and instead of the double take, sort of like this, he does this. And just stares at him for up to five seconds very easily.

Very easily. Because I turned around and the guy locked eyes with me and I sort of was expecting, well, he's made deliberate eye contact. He's about to say, you might be wondering how I ended up in this service station in a bra, but instead he just said nothing and he just looked at me with this expression of like, as if it's not obvious.

Excuse me, my eyes are up here. Oh, but man, so then we get in the car and we drive off. But you know what I've realised now is I'm genuinely worried about Thailand because if you were that scared of a man in a bra, you're going to have some fucking issues in Thailand. Yeah, you wait until you meet Carl's Thai bride. I don't know, do you ever see those people where you just, you then have to leave at some point, you're like, I want to know everything.

I wish I could just push a button and see the whole story of how it got to this point. Once I saw in Newtown in Sydney, a guy, an old guy driving a ute and he had, you know the other flag, not the Australian flag, the one with the stars on it, I think it's like the redneck kind of flag. There's more than two flags, by the way. The one with the stars on it.

The southern cross flag. Yeah, Eureka, that's it. He had the Eureka flag all over his car, and then his dog was just wearing swimming goggles. Fucking Australia. I would have rather, if you see a man walking down the street And then his dog was just wearing swimming goggles. Fucking strider. Like, I would have rather, if you see a man walking down the street with a gun, you're like, oh, that's scary, but I know what he's going to do.

When it's a dog with goggles on, you're like, how did that happen? Yes. It's really scary. That's what it was with this guy. Like, he's just standing there and it just had the vibe of, like, he's going to attack me or something's, yeah. But also, also, this guy was fucking dreaming. In no way did he fill out that bra.

We workshopped that one in the car as we left, everyone. But that was it. As we were driving off, I'm shaking. Like, I'm still, it takes me a while to cool down. I'm, like, genuinely freaked out. I'm shaking. You're pissing yourself. You're, like, genuinely freaked out. I'm shaking. You're pissing yourself. You're, like...

You can't believe how lucky you've been. But I love it. I love it that you got that scared. And I'm not saying that I wouldn't have done the same thing, but I love... Sounds like you are, but anyway. I'm having both sides. So, I just love the idea that you've seen a guy in a bra and gone, fuck, I'm done for.

It's like, yeah, the perfect disguise to rob a shop or kill someone. I'll just wear no shirt and a bra. No one will ever remember the description. There's a police line up and there's just five guys in a bra. Flabby old man tits that you've got to identify. So this is only like a block or two from your house. So you're a massive chance of finding bra man again. Yeah, I've been going down there every day.

I've taken some extra shifts there. I'm hoping he comes for me. Cap, this sounds like, because Cap, you've told us so many dumb stories off air. This must be like one of the more boring stories out of your catalogue. You were telling us some fucked up stories the other day within my show. Yeah, I... Did you do this from when in the gig or in the dunny? I've got one that I thought of that I remember I came down.

It's a comedy festival related one, so it's current. For another 18 hours. Yeah, yeah, for another... If you would have told this story two weeks from now, good luck, mate. Yeah. I remember I'd probably done comedy for about six months and this other comic said, I was in Sydney, and he said, oh, man, you can do the,

we should do the Melbourne Comedy Festival. I was like, only famous people do the Melbourne Comedy Festival. He goes, no, you just pay $500 at the Rego site, find a pub, and you're in the festival. And I was like, sweet. This is the golden gate to heaven. I'm done now. I'm sweet. I'm set. We got this venue in the middle of nowhere

like on King Street. It's the CBD. Slash the Sahara Desert. Yeah, but it's not in some dumb lane or something. So it's not Melbourne. And so I... It is Melbourne. it's not Melbourne. And so I... It is Melbourne. It's exactly Melbourne.

It's not the comedy part. It's the stripper part. I found that out later on. I love that you walk down an alley and think, I'm not in the city anymore. All this cobblestone. I'm in Hogwarts all of a sudden. Yeah, you should run headfirst

into a train platform. I'm in Hogwarts all of a sudden. Yeah, you should run headfirst into a train platform. God. All right, well. Anyway, the dog with goggles. No, it was just this cafe that was joined on to a... Oh, I was in a cafe once. There was an item on the menu called a duck sandwich.

I'm just sorry, Nick. I don't really know you well enough to kick the shit out of you that everyone else is trying to at the moment. I know. They wanted to know the fuck story. Maybe I'm the fuck story. Poor Capper.

It's taken him ten minutes to describe walking down half of an alleyway. Do you know, by the way, this is how I do my show every night, by the way. And his show was in a real weird place, a cafe in Melbourne. What? Feel free to spice it up, guys. It was the worst venue ever. The guy had a cafe and he just put a curtain through the worst venue ever.

The guy had a cafe and he just put a curtain through the middle of it and he put a mic there and he goes, that's it. So even if you didn't buy tickets, you could still hear it, which would have ruined the meal. Unless you're eating a duck sandwich. This guy gets it. Are we just playing duck sandwich bingo now? And Fleety was doing a show, I don't remember you guys,

it was called Big Love. Yeah. And it was a show... It's the same show every year with a different title, so sure. Yeah, it was something about heroin. I don't know. No, no, it was a variety show

and he just put, you know, and he'd seen me in Sydney, he goes, hey, mate, do you want to come on my variety show? And there was, like, 200 or 300 people there, and, like, it was a lot. You're missing out the crucial bit of the sentence. Hey, man, do you want to come and play my variety show for no money? Yeah, yeah, I was happy to do that. I'd been doing comedy for six months, you know,

and he asked to borrow some, which I was more than happy to do. that i've been doing comedy for six months you know and he asked to borrow some which was more than happy uh but yeah and he said yeah you want to come on and it was a pretty pretty horrible night and fleety was that high that he took the mic backstage with him and was just talking and having a cigarette and drinking while some poor other musical act was on. So it was just like a Fleety remix of a comedy song. I think it was Anyone for Tennis or something like that. They were on and then you could just hear Fleety in between the beats going, yeah, fucking, yeah, can't wait for it to be over soon. So he's eating and drinking whilst holding a microphone.

Yeah, he was just drinking and smoking, you know. And anyway, then he runs up to me and I was so nervous. It was the biggest gig I'd ever done. And he goes, mate, you're on last. Right, we've booked way too many acts. So I went on there and I reckon I had the best gig of my life. Like it was so good. And I had these shit flyers that I'd cut at Officeworks. Like it was so good. I had these shit

flyers that I'd cut at Officeworks. They were black and white. I remember I tried to hand them to punters and one punter actually said to me, I would not wipe my ass with these. Well to be fair, who does want to wipe their ass with a bit of photocopy paper? They were the worst flyers

ever. Anyway, all my mates were there and I said, quick, give us your flyers ever. Anyway, all my mates were there and I said, quick, like, Cabba, give us your flyers and we'll flyer everyone who goes out. Like, that was the best gig ever, you know, and they flyered.

Anyway, then we had one last night at the Comedy Festival. I ran to the cafe and I told the other guys doing the show with us, I said, mate, get ready for a fucking barrage of people, right?

Last night I did this gig. I killed it in front of like 300 people. It's going to be crazyrage of people, right? Last night I did this gig. I killed it in front of like 300 people. It's going to be crazy. Get ready, right? So we put all the seats out, everything, put the curtain up. Can't wait to hear about all these people turning up to the gig. This just seems like excessive bragging at this point. We're such a successful end to the story, Drew, any minute.

Well. May as well just end the episode here. It's pretty obvious. Here's the twist. into the story, Drew, any minute. Well. May as well just end the episode here. It's pretty obvious. Here's the twist. So it gets to like 8.25, then it gets to 8.29. Sweet storytelling, by the way.

I like, I can feel the passage of time moving on. That's like a scene, that's like a montage from a Guy Ritchie movie. 8.25, 8.29. The blind guy's having a field day. He's like, this is very well descriptive. Descriptive. Descriptive.

This is very well descriptive. All he can do is hear, at least get the words right. Anyway. Thanks for having me. So I got to 8.31 and then one girl rocks up. Please keep doing the time. One girl rocks up.

Well, you used to have to... Remember in the old days when you would have to ring up to find out the time? Now you can just listen to Kappa tell a story. Are you reading this story off the back of your hand, by the way? No, no. Unfortunately, no. It's 8.31. A woman comes in.

It's 8.32. 8.32. This is like that show 24. It's all in real time. I've lost my place can you do go back to 8.27 you're lost can you do previously

on this anecdote he's going to ruin it it's already hit too many peaks the peaks ruin now the twist is fucked scene interior nice

he's very confident he's very confident in remembering exact times for a cut without a watch I think Fleety stole your watch in the other story I'm very confident in remembering exact times for a cunt without a watch. I think Fleety stole your watch in the other story. Go on with the end of the story.

The story's funny is what we said. Anyway, I... This lady rocks up, right? And she's got kind of... She's kind of hunched over got kind of she's kind of hunched over and then she's kind of got like a lazy eye and she's just kind of twitching like this For the listeners at home, Cadbury's doing a wonderful

act out of this fucked sounding woman Sorry mate and woman. Sorry, mate. You've just got to describe it better for him. I thought I'd described it enough. Anyway, I said to her, are you here for the comedy show?

And then, this is honestly what she said. She said... Drumroll. Drumroll. Now, there's too much pressure already. Come on. She said, Absorute me.

Pew, pew, pew. He got away with it. He did it. Oh, wow. I feel like we didn't need any of the other bits of the story for that punchline, to be fair. He broke comedy and then he put it back together again. Hannah Gadsby, give that Barry back.

Do you want to come on my podcast? Yeah. I think I can answer for him. Absolute me. I would, but not even I know what I do. To explain it to you would be very difficult. Yeah, and then I said to her, she said, Oh, there's more Alright guys

We're going to take a brief intermission And then we'll be back With the second part of this He tied the story up in a bow And he thought I can top this Alright come on Come on Godfather 3

It is a bit of a Godfather 3 It's been really built up there So she said, absolute me, what kind of time was it now? 8.31 and 30 seconds. So she didn't drag out absolute really

as long as you've dragged out this story then. Right. If I told this show, it would have taken the whole festival. The whole hour. It's like Inception.

Like one minute of the story takes ten hours. We're too deep. And I wish he was really dead. So, yeah. Oh, God. Never seen the film, have you, Carl? Is that what happened? Is that what happens?

Carl's confused Inception for the sixth sense. Is there someone dead in Inception? Yeah, it's left. There's a vague ending to it. Exactly. Well, I figured it out. He dead. Why, Leo?

Oh, man. As if there wasn't any more shit movie podcast. You guys entered that realm. But I said... Fuck the balls. The gall. All right. Well, you've got your big laugh from the racist pronunciation.

I can see why you think you're the king of comedy. That's a rude me. All right. And then she said... Another drum roll, everyone, please. No, no, no. This is he said. Oh, sorry.

She said, is the show still on? And I said, yes. And then she said... Choke everyone, please. No, no, no, this is he said. She said, is the show still on? And I said, yes. And then she said... Choke me, daddy. It was a very good show. She said, sexcellent. Great. How does he keep doing this? Should we ask what happened next?

It was a horrible show. Perfect. Perfect dismount. This episode will be studied in years to come. Can you get this episode on your podcast? Yeah, 100%. To figure out what happened?

Can you and Stuart Lee sit down and decipher this? That's a wet dream. Anyway, it doesn't matter. You had another story that you told me the other day. I love that you've got... Come on, Carl.

Your solo show starts in half an hour. I don't know if we have that long. It's fair. The one about the sex shop. Yeah. I actually was hoping for you to go, which one? This will be sexcellent. I hope I'm descriptive enough.

I... Well, you know when you're 18 and you think it's really cool when you're drunk to go into sex shops. And you're just like, yeah, look how cool I am. And then later on when you're 30... Is that how you do it? Yeah. Is that an exact quote? Radical.

Look at all these dildos, boys. Sick. High five, lads. Everyone's like that. Look, he's a rubber vagina. I'm the Fonz We went to this Sex shop in Sydney

And the stairs Like it's one of those When you had to walk up Heaps of stairs Up to To the front door And walked up the stairs Went there

What time was it? I love how you really Know your audience because you've said to these podcast fans, you know the type of sex shop that's like this. They're all like, yeah, yeah, yeah, we know. The stairs one. Yeah.

And I grabbed a large dildo. Like, it was a very long dildo. I don't know who would use this productively. It was quite long. Productively. Hands up, who would? And I grabbed it like a lasso and swung it around my head.

And everyone thought this was really funny, except the man who owned the shop. He was an old Chinese man. Here we go. Here comes another absolute re. Oh, no. Are the lawyers still in? And he said, don't do that.

That's not good. And I started swinging around my head, and he goes, no, please don't do that. I'll just have to kick you out of the shop. I'm like, yeah, what are you going to do, mate? And he pulls out this thing that looks like a fire extinguisher and he starts pumping it. And me and my mates are like, ooh, the big fire extinguisher. Ooh. And I'm still swinging it around my head.

And then he walks up and he's like, yeah? And he just pumps this thing and sprayed it into our faces and it was pepper spray. Why is that in a sex shop? Who's into that? I don't know. I don't know where he got this thing from. Probably from some war-torn country, but it definitely did the job.

So what, it was like the size of a fire, it looked like a fire extinguisher. Everything in his shop is too big. You should have seen the rubber fist. So like, none of us could see, so we're trying to get to the door, and then I rolled down every single one of the steps.

Like, roll down, roll down. Oh, that's right, because you're in the sort of sex shop that had stairs. Yeah. 831 when you're at the top, 832 by the time you're at the bottom. It was also in Sydney, when I mentioned. Oh, another layer to the story. Then we went to this park, and we all cried for about three hours. Also, we did a major mistake that you don't put water in your eyes when you've got pepper spray because it just stays in there.

So I've got photos. My face was swollen up, like both your top and the bottom of your eyes swollen up. And after about three hours, we're like, there was only one thing I could think about and that was revenge. there was only one thing I could think about and that was revenge. So my yeah, some guy just said the lawyer thing

and I thought yeah, we'll go in there and we're going to ruin this guy's shop. Yeah, because how unjust of him to take umbrage at you fucking around with his merchandise after he specifically and politely asked you not to.

We were kind of like a fucked Avengers. No, well you were Avengers. To be descriptive, yes. And so we thought, okay. They said, Kappa, what we'll do is we'll run in,

we'll pull all the stuff, we'll just pull heaps of stuff off the shelves, and then you, you run in last, and you grab the fire extinguisher and you spray it in his face. And I was like... You're still calling it a fire extinguisher, by the way. Well, the pepper spray bazooka. Thank you.

So they all ran in. I waited like one minute. It was probably like 2.13 a.m. And then I opened the door and the guy was standing right there waiting for me. And he shot me directly in the face. And then I rolled backwards down all the stairs. Again.

Fucking hell. Again. Fuck it, man. Oh, man. I love when I ask if you've got any Kappa stories. And there's so many times where you can't even remember those stories. How many fuck things have happened to you? Tell six more. Yeah. I mean, I'm really hoping this one hasn't finished yet.

Yeah, yeah. On my limited knowledge and experience of Kappa, he's about to go, and then. Yeah. For Kappa, that's when the movie starts. The final comes up. Now do Kappa goes bananas. I liked it that you guys had just fucked.

I just got a fucked history. Yeah. And I haven't even made any money out of it. Anyway, that was too real. That was too real. The greatest punchline of the war. All right, guys, I reckon we've got to wrap that up here for a little Dum Dum Club. Should we have any updates on any of the auctions that we've got going on? Surprise, surprise.

Last time I checked, the Charlie Murphy DVD still has zero bids. Oh. Rest in peace. What a fitting tribute. Yeah. What, you did it? Oh, hang on. Has there been any updates on whether the dumb cunt seat has been sold or not?

Okay, so this person has said, sorry, complete accident, sell it to another punter. I can't, you've bought it. This guy gets it. Thank God, a lawyer. Okay, I'll relist it. I'll relist it now. Somehow you'll get even more fucked.

I mean, I'm just hoping she's got the comic sensibility to wait for it to be relisted and then buy it again. Sorry if I've given away your big punchline there. All right, I'll get on my lappy after this and relist it.

So yeah, if you want to come do that for the drunk cast, have a crack. Guys, let's wrap it up for this episode of the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Big round of applause. Nick Capa,

Stuart Goldsmith. Nick Cody. Thanks very much for listening at home and we'll see you next time. See you, mates!