The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 343 - Cam Knight & Luke Heggie

Episode Date: May 2, 2017

French Children, Demetri Martin and Senseless Vandalism.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dum Dum Club, first-time guests Luke Heggie and Cam Knight. But before we get into that, we've got to tell you about... I can't remember what's coming up, Carl. Have we got anything on? I'm finally going home. I'm going to bring you home to meet my family. Oh, yes. Which number family? Number one or number two? Or number five? Number one in priority these days, so very much looking forward to it. We are going to... If you've tuned out for the last six months or so, we are...

Fair enough. Yeah. Good call. How do you do that? We are headed off in a month, basically a month from now, really, isn't it? It'll be, I believe it's four weeks on the day that this comes out that we go. Oh, yeah, because we're not leaving on the Wednesday. We are going.

We are going. We have been invited to the prestigious Koh Samui International Podcast Festival. Sorry, I've forgotten the sponsorship then. Rich Young and his stupid, dumbass, fuckhead YouTube channel called Guru One Presents. The Koh Samui International Podcast Festival. So we have been invited.

We did get the official envelope the other day with the sealed, like the official invite. The wax with the stamp, the logo in it. Yes, yes. So you know it's real because fraudsters don't have access to wax. Since olden days, fraudsters, even now, centuries on, they still haven't worked out how to get their hands on wax. It's so good how you go into a candle shop

and you've got to provide ID that proves you're not a fraud to get any form of wax. So I'm surprised they don't use that more on the internet to make sure you don't get scammed. As long as you've got wax and you can slide that into a computer.

So instead of like when you get those security verification codes where you've got to put in words, instead of that, it's like take a photo of yourself holding some wax and send us that.

Exactly. Instead of that capture bullshit that anyone can figure out. Yeah. Get into the wax, guys. So we have been invited. We are going there. Koh Samui, it's going to be amazing.

So four weeks. This is the time where, you know what, I expect normal people have made their call by now, but there's still time for you wackos. Who's going to believe it till the absolute latest? Yeah. Well, I mean, we haven't booked our flights yet, so it could be us.

No, we haven't. We've everything sorted. We're leaving on a Wednesday. That's going to be fun. Editing and uploading an episode the morning that we head off fuck yeah right that's going to be something i'm really looking forward to on top of everything else that should be a busy morning at tallamarine should be great should be really great i run my gig on the tuesday night so i'll be i'll be swimming in time it's gonna be awesome if only you had a holiday to look forward to i talked I talked to a couple the other night who still hadn't booked theirs in,

who were saying they're definitely going, and they're using this podcast festival as their honeymoon. Oh, wow. Yeah. That's crazy. That's going to be very interesting. So those guys haven't booked their honeymoon yet. That's pretty amazing.

I wonder if the guy will let one of us cuck him. Oh, God. What a treat. What a way to usher in being married. But like I said, I can't believe anyone hasn't planned their international trip a month in advance, let alone your honeymoon. Yeah, but, well, you do that. You book your holidays usually with, like, four days to go.

Oh, no, yeah, yeah, look, but I have a special... No, you do. Don't try and weasel out of this one. You do. You have the date sitting. Yeah, look, but I have a special – No, you do. Don't try and weasel out of this one. You do. You have the date sitting there. I know, but I have a special deal. I get a very special industry deal. I think even before the industry deal,

you were flying pretty close to the sun there. Yeah, not that often. But anyway, so look, those guys, if you're listening, I hope you've booked in. And remember – Have they had the wedding yet? When's the wedding happening? Oh, I don't know.

I didn't get that deep into it. Right. Well, it must be happening... It must be happening right before, right? We've got to get invited to this wedding, is what I'm saying. Oh, yeah. Last time I did a gig at a wedding, it went real well. So, look, if you guys are listening,

this has really just now turned into an ad for you guys that are getting married. Don't forget to book your flights. We had a couple from America a few years ago who flew out here for the comedy festival. They used that as their honeymoon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So this is kind of officially the second honeymoon

that the Little Dumb Dumb Club has been affiliated with in some way. Yeah, the second live honeymoon podcast. Two in, like, what, five or six years. That's a pretty good strike rate. Yeah. That must put us… And then there's probably a couple more that happened that they were too ashamed of to tell us about yeah i'd say we would currently i can't imagine too many podcasts having more honeymoons connected to

their show than us like surely even though like tofop and the dollop might have more listeners yeah what what i mean what honeymoon you know what honeymooners are going hey let's go for our honeymoon let's go sit and listen to two guys rip shit on history for an hour. We should be their chaperones on their honeymoon. Just, you know, they can go out and have their little romantic date and we'll be there just to make sure nothing bad happens. Like what? Us being there?

Something bad has already happened. Like content happening without us being there. Something bad has already happened. Like content happening without us being there. I wonder, so now that after this we'll have had two people whose weddings slash honeymoons have been connected to the podcast, the race is on. Which of those marriages is going to break up first? God.

So, anyway, hey, for all of you guys. Are you interested in exploring that riff or just going to shut it down? Well, we've got to get into the important info, which is for these guys, because it's a specific ad for these guys. We've called it off. Sorry you guys. Are you interested in exploring that riff or just going to shut it down? Well, we've got to get into the important info, which is for these guys, because it's a specific ad for these guys. We've called it off. Sorry, guys. No, and we've called your wedding off. Yeah.

So get onto it. We are staying. The official host of the Coastal Mooray International Podcast Festival is the Ozo Chawang Samui Resort. So get into that. There is a special deal. Get onto their actual website. No middlemen.

Fuck off the middlemen. Treat them like Ticketmaster. We don't need anyone taking any fucking chunks out of our sweet money or your money or anyone's money, right? Get onto the real deal and put in. It's the only site that will accept the password that we are about to give you as an exclusive podcast. Put the word podcast in and you will get a very very very sweet deal if you forget it just think of like just sit there at that check-in and like if you forget the password think of um cereal you know think of like think of not good enough for

radio maybe that's your little clue you know like when you put in the capture code yeah yeah yeah no when it puts in that thing where it's like um uh what's your what's your little clue. You know, like when you put in – That's the capture code. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, when it puts in that thing where it's like, what's your mum's maiden name? Oh, yeah, yeah. What's not good enough for radio? Yeah. There you go. There you go, podcast.

That's very good. So that's going to be – yeah, that's going to be awesome. So much fun. Hey, we should see if we can get this married couple, we should see if we can get them to do like a slide night where they show us photos of the wedding. Like we'll just gather and then we roast, we commentate the wedding photos and we roast them.

No, we should do a live commentary as they consummate the marriage. Got him. That'd be good. So get into it. We are getting very excited because we've finished all of our live podcasting and our live shows in Melbourne. So that is our next thing to concentrate on. We've got very excited because we've finished all of our live podcasting and our live shows in Melbourne. So that is our next thing to concentrate on. We've got all that work out of the way.

So it's just purely a month to think about what we're going to do in Koh Samui. We've had the wedding of comedy and now it's time to get over to Samui and consummate this podcast. You're going to be heading over there dressed in all white and then I am just going to – Put it in. I'm going to take you into that bridal suite and just… Stick all that content up me.

You dirty girl. So we're getting excited. We had a conference. We had a Skype conference call the other night with the guy. Thank you to everyone who's put in money on the GoFundMe and bought T-shirts, the special Coastal Movie Podcast Festival T-shirts, the elephant, me and Tommy riding the elephant, or the very original beer logo-looking thing that's on a singlet.

Does it look like a beer? I just thought it looked like a logo. I wouldn't have even said it was beer. I only thought – you know what? That's my mistake. I saw the singlet and I thought warm weather with the singlet. No sleeves. Drink a beer.

I'm thirsty. Fair enough. Yeah. Well, you've fucked up big time. I'm glad you've at least been able to see it. Never call us again. I am big enough to admit it, and I will prove that on our honeymoon, Tommy. So thanks for doing all that stuff, guys.

And with that money, part of that money we are going to, we are flying out a professional, basically a professional filmmaker who is coming over to make a doco. A little movie. Yeah, a little movie. Obviously, it'll be X-rated by the time we get this honeymoon footage in there. The official documentarian of the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival. Yes.

The Michael Moore to our Columbine Massacre. That's very good. Thank you. So, we had a conference call so uh and man he's got way more ideas about this than we do so the louis theroux to our westboro baptist oh yeah that's good uh morgan spurlock to our mcdonald's god hates us yeah god hates comedy. God hates riffing. So, we were meant to Skype him. He was like, hey, I'm going to be back at my office in 15 minutes. And then he calls us and he's in somewhere that does not look at all like an office.

And he goes, oh, they locked us out of, they deadbolted the door of our office and I couldn't get in. So, I'm calling you from McDonald's. So, what we're saying is, I think we got the right guy the right guy yeah yeah we've got the perfect man for the job yeah yeah so he's coming over and he's what the plan is I guess is that he's going to be making this thing he's also going to be sitting out some daily rushes and stuff like that like some some little bits and pieces so the people that support us on patreon and and the go fund me you'll be getting a nice little you know email a little inbox stuff some uh lots of content over that five days if you're not coming it'll feel like you are yeah uh feel like you're coming it'll feel like you're in the honeymoon you're a fan of entourage right you know when they go

you know when they go and they make median and they're out in the they're out in the fucking jungle and billy walsh just goes insane and it's like it just turns into an absolute disaster oh yeah yeah that's what that's what this feels like it's going to be. This is going to be apocalypse now. Yes, yes. That's what's going to happen. So that's going to be exciting. A lot of awesome stuff.

A lot of sweet content being shipped back straight from Samui to your little inboxes. So as a big thank you for making this happen. And guys, so get on it. That'll guarantee you getting all that stuff if you send us some sweet $10 or more our way. And so many of you guys have done it already. We've basically blown the budget already, so keep it going.

Nice one. And of course, if you do chuck stuff on the Patreon, and the address is patreon.com slash littledumbdumbclub. So if you do that, not only do you get $10 or above, you get all the Sweet Coast of Maui extra content. But if it's $10 or above, you get the bonus episode we do every month, of which I presume we'll be recording something over there for that. And you get, if it's $5, you get the magazine.

For $10, of course, you get both. And anything over $2, you get your magazine uh for 10 bucks of course you get both and anything over two bucks you get your little your little old name that that little thing that was that little word that your mum and dad assigned to you after their honeymoon soiree yeah um the little name that they made up for you uh we're gonna pulled you out he spanked you on the little butt yeah and then mr my tiny dick off looked at mrs my tiny dick off and went, I like the name Jack. He looks like a Jack, doesn't he? So we do that for you. We read your little name out. We give you tiny little three seconds of fame.

We do that for you. We're doing them a huge favor. Yeah. Yeah. Some people love it though. Like the amount of people that hit us up and go, yeah, they fucking read my name. Like especially the people who put the money in and then as soon as they hit return on their little bank app, they start emailing us,

how come you haven't fucking read my name yet? Yeah, trying to break the land speed record for time, shortest time in between submit and angry text message. Oh, fuck you. But thanks. So here we go, here we go with another. Can I just say very quickly, the number of people who hit up the Dumb Dumb Club email

and on the socials or when I get hit up of, hey, I haven't gotten the episode yet or I haven't gotten the magazine and then I go to you to do the record checking. Can I say it is so far there is a 100% return rate on those people who complained who are actually not entitled yet to the content. Someone please hit us up and be in the right for once. Here's a tiny little hint, guys. So if you subscribe midway through a month, you will not get that month's free content, like extra bonus content. If you subscribe on May 15, you will not get the May edition.

What you do get is if you hit us up on May 15, May 10, May whatever, 20, basically the check doesn't clear until the end of the month. So that's when you get hit up for the cash. Once that cash clears, then you get the content after that. You get the next month. So as soon as that money goes into our sweet little pockets and we start spending it on whatever the fuck we want to, basically cameraman for East Asian trips, then you get that next month's content.

It's really not a hard arrangement to get your head around. You put the money in, the money clears, and then you get the thing. It's how literally every shop works. Yeah, but to be fair, we've been a bit late with our stuff. If we put our magazine and content out at the start of the month, there wouldn't be any of this sooking. So a little bit of a zone. Look, let's take some of the blame, but not much.

I'm not prepared to wear any of it, so you can have all that on your shoulders. No, I insist. Okay. So here we go. Let's do some names. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. We really appreciate it. Thank you to thank you to Patreon subscriber. We really appreciate it. Thank you to Laura

Elliot. Now don't go off half cocked. This is interesting. This is more interesting than you think. Please give me the information so that I can go full cocked. Well at the moment you're no cocked so let's go the full Monty. Laura L-O-R-A. Have you ever heard of such a thing?

I believe I have seen that name on the socials. That rings a bell. I think she's a long-time supporter of this program. Well, I don't want to... Look, should I be slightly rude about her family? You know what that says to me? What? And I hate to say it.

Yes. Bogan parents. Oh, really? I reckon it says Bogan parents. Well, here's the thing. Here's... Well, I'm about to throw a fly in your ointment. You think it sounds classy. No, no.

It's not officially Bogan because she is an international listener. Oh, so now I'm a little bit racist. Well, yeah, I guess so. Much like the very Bogans that I was trying to mock just before. Is English a race? She's from the United Kingdom. Oh, well then, whatever the equivalent is. Chav parents.

Oh, she'd be loving this, wouldn't she? Little bit of banter up the top of the little dum-dum club. Don't say that. So, I don't know. She's come in and she's freshened her drink, Governor. I don't know if over there, like it's just a different, it's a whole different language over there. So, I don't know. I don't know if over there, like it's just a different, it's a whole different language over there. So I don't know.

I don't know if that's... The Queen's English. Yes. I think she can make the call on where the werebogans rather than her. I think L-O-R-A, that might be, I think that's fine over there. This has become one of my favourite parts of this,

us speculating about people's personal background, family history, what nicknames they've had, and then getting an email in the old inbox a day later, subject line generally, you cunts, where they clear up any kind of misconceptions we've had. This is where we get the most feedback from. From all the people going, the intros are too long.

We can have a ripper episode after this and it's like, who cares? And make no mistake, this one is a ripper. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get to air a long-held grievance with one of our guests. So that's something to look forward to. Yes. So it doesn't matter what happens from here on in. The feedback will be, fucking I knew someone called Laura

and they weren't a bogan. I'm going to fucking kill you. I'm not saying that. But you've got to agree with me. I don't. That is a common – you don't think that's a common – it's very like bogan like it like taking a name and attempting to make it sound like parisian or whatever by just fucking up the

i disagree because she's english so i think they i'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt because they made up that's like her specifically i'm saying in general in general generally but with this i'm not talking about in general we're talking about this one individual what we're talking about laura okay a bit of respect for our Patreon subscriber. She's given us her money. Let's do a fair assessment and grade of her name. A bit of respect for this fucking toothless hillbilly

with redneck parents sitting around their own filth. Block your ears, Laura. This is only coming from 49% of the program. From 51%, I'm the majority shareholder of this program. I've just decided'm the majority shareholder of this program. Oh, wow. I've just decided. Wow.

What a call. I earned myself an extra percent from being respectful to the listeners. Yeah, that's fair enough. Yeah. So thank you, Laura. Thank you very much. And I personally take back everything that Tommy says about you. Well, I mean, I have the power to edit out you saying that you're the majority shareholder,

which I think makes me the majority shareholder. All right. All right. Let's disagree to disagree. Hey, we should be bringing this up on the air. We should be bringing this up in our next shareholder meeting. Anyway, thanks, Laura. Thanks, Laura.

Sorry, but hey, look, there's a few, there's many options out there that we've thrown out into the ether. Feel free to hit us up and let us know, did any of them land? Were any of them accurate in any way? Thank you. Thanks, Laura. Thanks, Laura.

Thank you, too. Oh, this will be interesting. This will be very interesting. Someone that I don't believe we've read it in this way before, but this is, thank you, too, Patreon subscriber and friend of the show. Oh, yes. Nick Mason. Yes.

Now, I was wondering if we were ever going to get to this. Yeah. Because did we talk about this at the time? I'm not sure we did. I can't believe he didn't bring it up because it's very funny. We didn't bring it up on the episode. I think he did as an insurance thing. Yes.

Basically, what he did was, as we had Nick Mason, as you may remember, he was a guest earlier in this year, a few episodes ago. He basically, before he walked in to be the guest, he knew that he had a bit of a reputation around the Melbourne comedy circles, basically with us. With you. We like ragging him. You like ragging him. Yeah, yeah. We like ragging him because he's not a comedian, but we sort of all let him in for free to

comedy shows, even though he's not a comedian. So then we start saying, you fucking little scab. You little rat. Little scab cunt, I believe, is the nickname that you coined for him. Well, I was just doing that for Laura. I wasn't saying that for Laura because it's the Queen's English and I didn't think she'd agree with that sort of thing. What's the worst word you think the Queen has ever said?

Rat would be up there, actually. Rat? You reckon she'd have said rat? You don't reckon she's ever let go of just a, oh, shit. Oh, yeah, she'd say that, definitely. You reckon? Yeah, you're right. Wait, but you just said you thought rat was you won me over you won me over you're so persuasive you got a silver tongue i wonder if she's ever just like sits around and goes you know what i'm the queen i'm just gonna say cunt really loud in this room well it's cunt is english

and it's the queen's english so it's part of her it's all it belongs to her she should be like doing it for you know know, research or whatever. Whatever. Well, yeah, yeah. She should officially, you know, if it's in the dictionary, she should have to say everything in the dictionary just to basically approve it. So is cunt in the dictionary? It'd have to be.

They add new things every year. It's always like, oh, we've got fucking Pokemon in the dictionary this year or whatever. Humble brag is in. How has the C-bomb missed out? Exactly. Exactly. It's got to be in there. So the Queen has to say it. Humble brag is in. How has the C-bomb missed out? Exactly. Exactly. It's got to be in there. So the Queen has to say it.

The Queen has to say it. At some stage, surely with the dictionary, the dictionary, it's like a patent. They just send it past her table and go, put the stamp on,

put another bit of wax on. Oh, yeah. Put the wax on. A callback. Yeah. Like from before. Yeah, from before. Put a bit of wax on there.

So that's been across her bow at some stage, I think. Anyway, Nick Mason growled out the Queen. Speaking of cunt, let's get back to Nick Mason. So, yeah, he did this in the car out the front of my house. Yes. He was worried that we were going to roast him. And so he subscribed on Patreon just as insurance against us calling him a scab. Yes.

Which is very funny to do. Then he proceeds to just not bring it up for the whole time that he was on the show. He doesn't have an eye on content the way we do. He does a podcast every week. Yeah, but I said content. It was something that had happened in an Avengers movie. He would have been all over it. Yeah, I'm not writing fan fiction about bumming Green Arrow or whatever.

This is the real world we're talking about. So he doesn't think of that sort of stuff. He's thinking about fucking spider webs covering up his arsehole or whatever those sort of people do. That's what he thinks about. What's spider webs covering up the arsehole? Yeah, I don't know. But that's my impression of what he does.

I'm not in that world. What world do you think this is? He loves comic books and whatever. Spiderweb's covering up the arsehole. So Spider-Man is worried that the Green Goblin's going to fuck him in the arse. It's like, the only way to keep this guy out of my bunghole is to shoot a web up my little fanny. And then his dick will just bounce off. The issue when Spider-Man went to jail.

Yeah, that's what that's all about. So, anyway. Thanks, Nick. Thanks, Mayso. Let's get into these ones. Thank you to Harriet Craig. Harriet Craig? Yeah, girl's first name, boy's last name.

I always find that a little odd, don't you? Not at all. I think it's the best. Best of both worlds. I think it's the best. Best of both worlds. I think it's the best Tommy Patricia. Great. Yeah. Do you think that that's maybe like a,

that's like if you're, I don't know, if you're kind of curious with being like, if you're like bi-curious, but you don't want to commit all the way, it's like that's as far as you can go. Like, no, no, this will do me. Just having a boy's surname is like,

that's as far as my sexuality will allow me to go. Well, to be fair, I don't think your surname is a choice. I don't think you're taking that on, you're choosing that. No, no, but I mean the person who's with her. Do you know what I mean? The person who's dating them. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Right, okay. So you're going out with someone with a boy's last name and then you're going, right, okay. There must be people who they're not. That's a very small toe in the water. Yeah, they're not, but that's like as much as their, you know, your sexuality isn't a choice, you know. You get what you're given and I think maybe there are people for whom they just go, look, I wish I was more adventurous.

There's some people who don't even want the name. I would imagine there's people for whom the name is a turn off. That'd be a deal breaker with someone. Yeah. You have a boy, man, that is the most homophobic guy of all time. Sally Rodney. Nah, not gay. Get out. Get the fuck out. Even though the fact that you have the

potential to marry that person and thus get rid of her last name, still can't go through with it. Can't go through with the courting process. That's great. And how does he find that out? He's on a first date and it's gone really well. Yeah.

They're going back to... They get ID going to the next bar. Yes, yes. But still he's prepared to fuck it. Like he's thinking he's going to get laid. Right. So they're in a cab. Maybe she insists on paying for the cab.

Right. Just she's like, you've paid for everything. Hey, it's 2017. Yeah. I want to contribute. I'm going to get the cab. Yeah. And as she's handing over the bank card,

he gets a little glimpse of the surname and just oh no and then just does a runner just does a runner jumps out of the cab and then jumps into another cab this next door and takes off

just goes home cold shower I'm not gay I'm not alright thanks Harriet that was worth it that was a good bit

that was alright that was a good bit. That was all right. That was a good bit of speculation. Let's use that on the next one. Thank you to Jude Manik. Jude bloke. Jude big old dick. Jude Manik. Man, again, it's happened again.

Manik. Not gay. It's actually happened. M-A-N-I-K. Maybe he's okay with this because it's like, man, ick. You know what I mean? He's like, man, yuck. But still, you would sort of let that happen.

You wouldn't be like, cool. Still, you've got to look at that man bit and go, mm. Yeah. This guy, this hypothetical guy that we've come up with. And not only that. Let's say this is a homophobic character that we've created. Yeah. In no way does he

echo the thoughts and sentiments of the majority shareholder of the little dum-dum club. This is very alien to us both. And also, just putting myself into the mind of this man that we've created that we feel no emotional contact with. We're really fleshing him out though.

Jude. It's as if we've known him all our lives. Jude. Sounds a little bit close to dude for me as well. Dude manic. Dude man. Dude man dick. Dude man dick. Fuck, what have we done to Jude manic? Now Jude, I dare say, again this is, we often like to speculate of what

kind of nicknames and bullying people have received over there. I dare say every time we've brought it up, we've pretty much nailed it. McWhorter the squirter was our biggest get where he was like, you were spot on. That dogged me for my whole life. I have had a few people hit me up going, thanks for the Patreon read,

although you missed out on this word. Gary McDumbcunt or whatever. So we do tend to get the response of what we missed out. Jude Manic, yeah, she must have had dude mandate. Well, it's Manic, so it must have been a bit like Jude Manic Monday. Yeah Jude Manic, yeah, she must have had Dude Manic. Well, it's Manic, so it must have been a bit like Jude Manic Monday. Yeah, Manic, yeah. Bit of Bangles. You know, call her nickname Bangles.

That'd be like the English, you know, that's what Laura Elliott would do. They'd do a bit of that sort of rhyming slang. One removed. Bit of, oh, yeah, there's Bangle. Why don't you call her Bangle? Jude Manic Monday. Manic Mondays. Yeah.

Okay. Fuck, I would love it if I've nailed that. If her nickname is Bangle, that would be fucking amazing. I'd prefer it if her nickname's Dude Mandic. Oh yeah, you're right. But we'll find out. You're right. I'm sure she'll let us know.

Yeah. This is the good thing about this because it never takes us too long to find out from these people because they're subscribing. So they're super fans. So they're listening the first day. You know what? You know what I remembered the other day? Who we still haven't, we never heard anything from.

That fucking Uber driver who listens to our show. That plays it as he's driving. Oh, fuck. What was his name? It was like. It was the sort of name that you don't really want to speculate on, I think. It was like Zeppelin or something. It was like some, it sounded, oh, fuck.

Anyway. It was no Laura Elliott, that's for sure. I really thought, as soon as that came up, I was like zeppelin or something it was like some it's a fuck anyway there was no laura elliott that's for sure i really thought as soon as that came up i was like we will hear from this guy within a month and then we'll do an episode with him and we we just never heard back call us call us uber dude yeah um all right lastly lastly on the show this week last one last one wow oh wow this is it's already been a pretty weird week as well. Yeah, okay. Right, okay. Listeners from the last couple of weeks, this is weird that this has come up. I can't wait to see what you're looking at on the screen.

I mean, I can only imagine what's going through your head right now. I'm trying to comprehend. My life's never going to be the same after I hear this. I'm just relishing these last few moments before I find out what's sitting there in the old Word document. Well, look, I don't know if you remember, the last two weeks we've had a bit of a family affair. We had Mr Comedy.

Yes, two weeks ago. Mr Comedy. And then if I remember correctly, last week we had Mrs Comedy. Yeah, yeah. Well, anyway, look, they've done it again this week. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Master Comedy. So their son has gone on board as well, which is great. We've got, I mean, I don't know if there's anyone else in the family

that we've missed out on. Fingers crossed that Baby Comedy is going to chip in. Fuck you. Don't read forward. Fido Comedy? Don't read forward to next week. I'll cut this out. I need something for next week.

Oh, well, thanks, Master Comedy. Made his first little, his first piece of pocket money. Exactly. Heading this way. That is a real compliment. It's good because you don't get too much pocket money, and yet he's put in, let's look, 50 bucks a week. 50 bucks a week?

Yeah. Master Comedy. Sounds like the comedy family are a little bit hoity-toity. Well, they own comedy. They invented comedy. They invented comedy, yeah. The royalties. Yeah.

I mean, we sort of have to pay them for doing this every week. For reading this. So the money's sort of going straight back in. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. The funnier the show is, the more we have to pay them. Yeah, so... So $2 a month. All right.

All right. Well, what a wonderful ad. Yeah. Great. I love it when families all chip in. It's like, you know, on the Good Friday appeal when you get like a donation from the such and such family. They've all, the dad or the mum, whoever's put in,

doesn't want to just put their name in. They put it in under the whole family. So instead of doing that, the comedy family is just putting it one by one, which is even more appreciated. Oh, you reckon the dad's just putting their names on it on their behalf? No, no, no, no. I like the idea of some Scrooge dad going, kids, go upstairs, get your fucking piggy bank,

empty it out right now in front of me. No, I think Master Comedy's just heard his parents put in the last couple of weeks and gone, you know what, the right thing to do would be to chuck in. Well, I cannot wait to find out. What, I mean, are there other members of the comedy family And you know Will they be as generous as Well if they're listening right now

I guess we'll find out Yeah Well hopefully they're enjoying it Hopefully these aren't the only three Members of the comedy family That are putting in Well thanks comedy Yeah

Thanks No thanks the comedies Once again Thank you to the comedies Which I'm sure is written on their mailbox out the front of the house. All right. So, littledumbdumbclub.com. You can find the GoFundMe for the Koh Samui International Podcasting Festival.

You can find a link to this Patreon where you can get your name read out. You don't even have to be a member of the comedy family. Anyone is welcome to donate money to this show. And thank you again to everyone who continues to support the show. We really do appreciate it. I have a hard time of saying things like that and it genuinely sounding sincere. Oh, no, it sounded sincere to me. Oh, cool.

Great. Well, yeah, it is. It's awesome. It's also, like, I was thinking this the other day. This is the, like, in the last maybe year and a half or so, this show actually generates a pretty decent little, it's a little decent little order now, don't you reckon? Well, it actually pays the amount of time we put into it. I think that's what it is now.

It took about five years, but it's nice that it's finally something that's worth doing. You know what? I did talk to people and people say, oh, what are you doing, whatever. I go, oh, the podcast goes well. It sort of earns us, you know, it's worth doing now. And I sort of say it like a bit of a, hey, this is pretty cool.

And then they go, have you been doing it for five years before this? I'm like, oh, fuck, that's worth doing now. And I sort of say it like a bit of a, hey, this is pretty cool. And then they go, have you been doing it for five years before this? I'm like, oh, fuck, that's right. Yes. But that's, you know, it's an apprenticeship. Yeah. We did our podcasting apprenticeship. Yeah, yeah, that's fine. That's fine.

So, yeah, thank you from the 51% of the podcast as well. Not just the 49%, Tommy Das. Well, from the other 51%, thank you very much. Okay, guys, littledumbDumbClub.com for all that stuff. We will see you in Koh Samui. Get on the Patreon. We've got the shirts available.

Yep. They're flying off the shelves. Thank you to everyone who's bought them and sent us photos of them wearing them. We really appreciate that. It would make us feel a lot better

if you grabbed some of those shirts before we go to Koh Samui. Yep, would be real handy. Guys, thanks for listening. Enjoy this week's... This is a really good one. We did this near the end of the festival. We thought we were going to have nothing in the tank.

But this is a really fun one with Luke Heggie and Cam Knight. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. Thank you so much for joining us. My name is Tommy Daslow and sitting opposite me is the other half of the show, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. Look, I'm just, I'm bursting with stories, but I can feel like you've got, you've got so much stuff to talk about.

I don't want to tread on all the content that you've piled up. So please be my guest. What do you got? Welcome to the contractually obliged episode of Little Dumb Dumb Club where we're sort of doing it against our will. Yes. But let's welcome into Little Dumb Dumb Club our guest because we've got nothing in the tank left.

Please, let's get the guests in here. Two huge fans of the podcast. They would not stop going on before we recorded about how much they enjoy it. They never miss an episode. They kept saying, do our favourite stories. It's like going to see Bon Jovi and getting living on a prayer. Do the stories.

Please welcome into Little Dunham Club Cam Knight and Luke Heggie. Welcome, guys. I feel like Heggie hates podcasts so much he wants to bash himself for being on this one. I wouldn't know if I hate podcasts. I just assume I hate them. I've never fucking listened to one ever least of all yours

are you just someone who anything that you don't do you just assume it's the stupidest thing in the world well yeah it is yeah is that because you like to carefully craft all of your comedy and this is a little scary for you

you're on the fly you don't like it is this a fucking how you do your comedy podcast is this one of those is that what we're doing no this is a fucking how you do your comedy podcast? Is this one of those? No, this is a how you do your comedy podcast. This is a how not to do comedy podcast.

Heggie, just before the festival began, now you're on all forms of social media and you're... You're a millennial. That's what you are. I've got them. I feel like I have a very antagonistic relationship with you on social media where I'm constantly having you threaten to bash me

any time I comment on anything. You're right. You're on a list. You're on a list every time someone has a go. I am on a list. It's just pretty much everyone in Melbourne that I know. So day one of the comedy festival, I was walking down Swanston Street and you know when you see a bin that's just gotten out of hand?

There's just shit piled over the top of it, spilling onto the ground. Yeah, we saw your festival shit. Well, I tweeted Heggie and I said, hey mate, just walked past your comm for the month of comedy festival. Looks beautiful. And a few people commented going, fuck, I can't wait to see how this pans out. There was a real sense of anticipation of what you were going to write back. But your response was even more brutal.

You just gave me nothing. I never got a reply. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, I thought I even saw that. It must have been someone else told me I lived in a bin or something. I thought it was one of those fucking memories you get on Facebook. This is four years ago.

Tommy said you live in a bin, you fuckhead. Yeah, I'll just leave it. Well done. No, his response is that's why he said yes to this podcast. He's here to bash you now. Oh, great. An audio bashing. Don't come up that well on audio.

I wondered if that was deliberate because that's the most brutal response of all. Just nothing. No, it's not deliberate at all. I can't leave it for nothing. Great. I'd never fucking leave that alone. I ended up deleting the tweet. I'll have to get on with it.

Oh, okay. I deleted it. You backed out. I backed down. Yeah, so you won. You alphed me into non-existence. Well, I think I just forgot you. Not the first.

Still a victory. Welcome to Melbourne, guys. So we've never had you guys on the pod before because we don't tend to go to Sydney very much and you guys don't tend to come to Melbourne very much. Why would we? Well, we've got trams. Yeah, yeah. No, it's lovely.

We've got one of the biggest comedy festivals in the world. Yeah. I'll come for that. Yeah. Don't worry. Hey, let me ask you this, Hagee. Because you've been coming down to Melbourne for the comedy festival for the last, what, like six years or something?

Yeah. You have young children. Yeah. And I believe two or three years ago you told me that one of them, their birthday is during the comedy festival. Yeah. So what you were doing was you would just tell, before you left, you would just tell the kid that today was their birthday. Oh, yes. Did you really do that?

So that you could have a fake birthday party for them. Until they finally worked out that you were lying. Well, when she was about six, she figured it out and didn't really like that. But I was just going, yeah. Your birthday's today. Happy birthday. Here's a cake. Your birthday's like Queen's birthday. It just moves around or whatever.

It suits us. Easter, you never know when it is. Yeah, yeah. We're just going to make your birthday on a random Monday so we can all have a long weekend. That's what I wanted to check in, like how long. Because were you tempted to just permanently? I haven't been home since she was two.

Have you moved her birthday to Christmas yet just so you can get it all over with? Just move it to my birthday so I'm somewhere good. Yeah, I haven't been home since she was two. Right. Which has been a bit rough. Now she's turned nine. You haven't been home since she was two. It's been a long festival.

For a birthday. They're down at the moment though, which has been lovely. For a birthday? Sweet birthday present Nah So you missed that one as well Well I missed it Because she was at school

Selfishly Like I could rip her out of school And bring her down here If you reckon that makes me A better dad Fucking all glaring at me For being a prick Going out and bringing home

The bacon You've got to be the weirdo Who like starts to bring Have his family in his show You know all of you Up there on stage together They come down And live with you

for the month they came they came the other night to the show yeah they came to my show your little kids came to your show yeah

your son fell asleep yeah but this guy gets it wow he's he fully impressed the audience very nice

yeah they came oh they were fine what do they think of your comedy because they're like what are they five, six, seven six and nine

right oh very nice children for two Oh, they were fine. What do they think of your comedy? Because they're like, what are they, five, six, seven? Six and nine. Right. Oh, very nice. Children for two. Father of two. Luke Heggy, kids comedian. That's great. Was that deliberate, the three-year spacing?

69. Although it's only the case for maybe six months, but yeah, I'd cash in on that, don't worry. Fuck. Make the most, it's a very special time in your children's lives. Six and nine. That's what you want to have You want to have kids Who are six and nine

When you're 69 Oh the dream The dream So what do they think Like at six What's the I mean you're just You're just ranting

Against anyone That rides a bike Or fucking eats a pie Or whatever the fuck You talk about in your show Yeah You've been have you I just assume Yeah you take on You take on a lot of Yeah like types of people and eats a pie or whatever the fuck you talk about in your show. You've been, have you?

I just assume. You take on a lot of types of people that you've encountered that you find irritating. Is that a fair summation? Which I imagine sorts of people that your kids have not yet encountered. Yeah. Yeah. Unless they're in the car with me when I see them. Oh, they've seen what fucking happens.

And then you turn around to the back seat, you're like, is this funny? And you start testing the routine on them. Oh, they've seen what fucking happens. And then you turn around to the back seat, you're like, is this funny? And you start testing the routine on them. But do they know you? I reckon they must think that you're a completely different person on stage because I've been at your house. And so you've got a proper French family. So you see you and you go, all right,

when I go back to Heggie's house, I'll probably be staying in the caravan or whatever. But you get back and it's like you've got a French wife, you've got French kids who are like the absolute most polite children in the entire world where instead of like, you know, dealing with you. That's the fucking problem with it. Dealing with you, you'd expect to go to your house

and see your kids fucking setting fire to the TV. But instead, they're coming in going, you know, what does assimilate mean, daddy? And it's like, Jesus Christ. Well, I mean, that's the problem with dealing with fucking young fuckhead comedians. They just assume they know everything about you. Is this guy young? Thank you.

Younger than me. When they find out you have a French missus, they usually go, fucking you, bullshit cunt, you. Fuck off. And you're just, you know, I'm supposed to not be offended by that. Same thing. Ditto for this shit Yeah

I think my kids Are going to be ferals As set in fire Well yeah So the subject here Is that you You know In addition to being

A wonderful comedian In your own right You have the Illustrious honour Of being the The official lodging In Sydney For Carl Chandler

When he goes to Oh yeah And a few Yeah Oh and heaps I have heaps of comic stars it's good fun they have a good time

do all of them complain as much as he does about the kids waking him up in the morning they usually wake everyone up

with a fart machine or like a whoopee cushion or something next to their head I feel like they're so polite they sort of come in and go

is it okay if we wake you up but in French yes exactly because they're totally bilingual aren't they yeah sort of come in and go, is it okay if we wake you up? But in French. Yes. Yeah, exactly. Because they're totally bilingual, aren't they? Yeah. And you are a bit, aren't you?

Yeah, I can speak French. Are you bi? Do you speak it with... Do you speak it with an Aussie accent, though? French, yes, I do, yeah. Give us a bit. Fuck off. Oh, beautiful.

The language of love. I'm not a performing monkey. Joe, at least put a lot before it Or something Jesus Did that have a What is it A circumflex on top of it

On top of the you I'm not a performing monkey Can't I'm not here for your entertainment That's what you do every night Yeah I don't get people Yelling out requests

Yeah I get what they're fucking giving Fuck Let's go tonight And just Get to the end of a routine there Do it in French, cunt. I actually, yesterday I went to lunch and there were a bunch of comics there

and my son looks quite a lot like me. So I'll get told I don't really see it as much. But we walked in and people have just nearly fallen off their chairs laughing at that. Oh, fuck, man, this is no good for him. Every time someone sees him, they just piss themselves laughing. Mini-heggy. And it's no good. He wonders what the fuck's going on.

After they say, no, we don't want a big issue from either of you guys. Yeah, bring your child to non-work day. Bring your child to beg day. Oh, Cam, time for you.

It's just me. The roast of Haggy's. That's fine. I'll live in a gutter. I fucking get you. It's just me, the roast of Peggy's. That's fine. I'll leave it together. I fucking get it. Did they ask you any questions about your show after they'd seen it or anything like that? Or did you have to have a bit of a chat with them

about the language or anything? Oh, no, they didn't even mention it. They just went, nice one. Good to see you're actually getting crowds. Yeah, pretty much. Do they laugh though? Because, you know, you said it's a humour. I mean, my son sort of likes

the whole heart. I had an Auslan interpreter there too which was a bit of a distraction. You did yes. That would have been a bit of colour.

That would have been good for them though. That's something to look at. You don't do much do you? Fucking hell I thought we were

getting on to it. Is the Auslan interpreter your wife? Because that would have been a thrill for the kids. What if you had the Auslan interpreter then the French interpreter your wife? Because that would have been a thrill for the kids. What if you had the Auslan interpreter, then the French interpreter your wife?

Just give something for everyone up there. Hard to watch. Get a semaphore guy in there just in case any planes are flying in to see your show. Well, that was going to be my question before. So you speak a bit of French. Do you reckon you'd know enough French to do comedy in French? I've tried this and no.

Like, it's fucking hard. Like, even translating your jokes. Like, even the ones that you, you know, off the table because they're too Australian. You just put generic fucking one-liners or something. You turn them into French, they still wouldn't like it. Really? Yeah.

They've got a very different sense of humour, don't they? Yeah, very much so. What do they like? Fucking, you've seen, you know, jumping around and bullshit. Colour of movement. Yeah. Cartoons of the Prophet Muhammad. Now, that's comedy Cain you used to

live in Melbourne didn't you you started comedy in Melbourne didn't you I did yeah I lived here for 10 years

yeah right so then you've been in Sydney since then I've been in Sydney for 10 years as well now yeah right

so when you come back so we're mid-festival. Do you have a lot of old people coming, you know, from the new... Old people? Well, no. Old mates. Old people from the 10 years before. From, like, old fans?

Yeah. I don't think so. No. I don't, because the people, like, when I was... Where are they coming from then? Who fucking knows? They're not. Every time I come here, it's like starting again.

Because you, when you lived in Melbourne, you were the host of a show on Foxtel that gave many a young Melbourne comedian their first TV gig, Stand Up Australia, which launched people like Dave Thornton first year in. Pretty much everyone got on it, didn't they? Everyone got a spot. Everyone who was any good in Melbourne got on it.

Even a few that weren't. I said I wanted to give as many people an opportunity because Rove was running at that time as well and I knew that it was pretty difficult to get on there. And I was like, give everyone a show reel. Let everybody have a crack. Because I know it's really fucking hard in this industry. And is that what canned the show? Just a bunch of fucking dead shit getting on there,

doing the worst comedy. I was pissed off you hadn't started there. You were waiting for Raw. I wouldn't have he hadn't started there. Waiting for brawl. I wouldn't have come down here for that. No fucking way. No, yeah, because I remember that was my first year in comedy and I sent like an email to whoever it was booking it going, you know, just that year in going, I don't know how it works.

I'll just chuck one in and fully expect to get a no. And then they said yes, even though I didn't have a show reel or anything. I remember just getting the yes and it's like, yeah, you can be on TV. I'm like, what the fuck's wrong with you? You're just taking anyone that's in a self-addressed envelope. I remember getting a yes and doing it once and that being gnarly enough and then getting a second go. You did it twice.

Yeah. I barely had enough material for one go. Did you do the Australia Day special? No. We did a 12-hour live show. No, I did a – Fleety said cunt. I said don't say cunt, so of course he said cunt.

Like, good on you, man. No, I did a – To be fair, he probably thought he was off air when he was saying give us 20 bucks cunt. I did a Melbourne Cup one. Oh, yeah. And then I did a second run that you did where you were filming it inside Chase's nightclub

and it was in the middle of summer and it was a million degrees in there and it was so that coupled with not having enough material it was a brutal gig. So we shot the first series up in Sydney in a proper studio where they made the venue look like that's the one you did Carl

where it looks like an actual pub, and the pub was called The Troubled Bison. And funnily enough, now it looks like John Conway's Tonight set. And the second series they shot down here because the Comedy Channel moved down to Melbourne. So they had asked me to move to Sydney, so I did, and then months later they were like, hey, we're going to Melbourne, you should come.

I'm like, no. So we had to go back and we shot in that horrible cupboard. That awful, yeah, shit old night. During the day? During the day. Fucking brilliant. It was fucking hot. And just the audience are just sitting there melting.

Because in the studio in Sydney it's air con. We had free alcohol. You know, everybody was happy. That's one of the major differences between Sydney and Melbourne. It's just how you get treated. That's right. That's right. You've got a nice happy down in Melbourne. That's one of the major differences between Sydney and Melbourne. It's just how you get treated. That's right. That's right. You get a nice podcast up in Sydney,

but don't bring up your fucking bin rack heritage. An air-conditioned podcast where you get free beer. But you did your spot in your pyjamas, Carl. I did. I remember that. I did. It was first year, and we've talked a lot about this in the last six, eight months, I think, on the podcast.

I was one year in. Yellow pyjamas? No, they were spotty. Yeah. I bought brand new, and we talked about this, I bought brand new pyjamas for it because I actually had another pair of pyjamas that I was wearing at club sets around Melbourne.

I was like, oh, I'm going to be on TV. I better not wear the Kmart ones. Dress for the job you want. Get some Peter Alexanders. I had these weird pink fluffy ones And then I bought brand new silk ones From Peter Alexander For about 150 bucks

And they were big bright yellow Dots and stuff And went This is going to pop on TV Oh my god You thought about that Yeah yeah totally Totally

I did very quickly try and get a sponsorship With Peter Alexander Which they said absolutely not Which just quickly to update these guys, years later, we were talking about this about six months ago, and the niece of Peter Alexander hit us up. Really? Hey, I'll hit up Uncle Pete.

Finally. And get you some PJs. Are you going to get them? We've got them, yeah. So you've got Moose, you've got Hala Moose, and now pyjamas. Yes, yes. Even he got something out of it. We got sent two pairs of pyjamas.

Right. What did you just call it? Hala? What's it called? Yala. Yalamouse? I don't know. It's some shit down here.

I don't know. No, it's up there. It's mainly hummus, isn't it? You just keep getting... Yeah, they do a lot of hummus. Yes. Did you watch the clip? Because I vaguely remember when you finished your set.

Oh, I certainly remember. That's why I brought this up. I was a bit of a fuckhead. Because Dimitri Martin was known for wearing pyjamas as well. No, no. What happened was he did it once. Okay, all right, all right. And what happened was I did it and I was oblivious to the fact

he'd done it once. And then I finished my set going, oh, that sort of went okay. And then some cunt of a TV host gets on and goes give it up for Dimitri Martin everyone whoops sorry I mean Carl Chandler and so for the next three months every time

I saw anyone back in Melbourne I went I heard about Cam Knight cunting you fucking hell what sort of a fucking arsehole aren't you glad he moved to Sydney and that's why it's taken this long to do the podcast Fucking hell, what sort of a fucking arsehole? Aren't you glad he moved to Sydney? Oh, man. And that's why it's taken this long to do the podcast.

I've been waiting and waiting and waiting. He fucking hates me. I got off and went, oh, fuck, what was that? And then found out he'd done it once. I was like, and I literally stopped doing it then. Really? Did you, mate? I'm so sorry. I was fucking around.

No, no, no, but that was fine because... Then he transitioned into his arseless chaps period. Those were some rough gigs. Yeah, until I found out about the village people and then I had to change again. So, yeah. Who are you appropriating right now? Who's this that we're in the realm of at the moment?

Don Rickles. So then I stopped doing it because of that because then I found out, despite you saying that, I found out about him actually doing that and went, oh, actually, I can't do it now anyway. And also I'd only been doing it for about three, four months and like I think I've said before, I started turning into Summer and I was literally turning up to every gig in Pajamas

with clothes over the top. I fucking can't keep doing this the rest of my life. No, you can't. So I did you a favour, really. Yeah, yeah, yeah, by humiliating me. You're right. Were you angry at me for a while? Did it piss you off?

I think – I'll answer this one. Yes. I don't think I was angry, angry, but I was like, oh, fucking why do that? I was being a dick. I'm so sorry yeah i've seen your roast of dill fuck that actually i'm not sorry yeah yeah um but on top of that

was a very interesting fucking episode because on top of that the other person do you won't remember this but they used to record two comics on the same show yeah so you'd come out actually before i say that also this so we i was in the green room before that yeah and uh so i'm waiting this but they used to record two comics on the same show yeah so you'd come out actually before i say that i'll say this so we i was in the green room before that yeah and uh so i'm waiting to go on and this is i'm literally what 13 14 months into comedy so i'm you know i've got my 10 that i was about to go out and do and it's like if i can't drop any of this 10 i've only got 10 minutes you know a year and a bit into comedy and it's like as i'm going on i'm in the green room i'm really nervous and and uh i'm sitting in there and your writer i think was dave william yeah yeah so he was a

writer and i'm sitting in the green room very nervous about going on he's there with another comic maybe from the next episode and we've got the big tv in front of us and we're watching you out there yeah and he's sitting there and as i'm being nervous he's just going look at cam the fucking hack look at him doing this and oh yeah say yeah, say this as well, Cam, you fucking cunt. Oh, you're a shit. Yeah, good one, you fucking hack. And all he was doing was roasting you. And I was sitting there going, oh, man, I'm so intimidated.

Like, aren't you his rider? Aren't you his mate? And he was just absolutely ripping the shit through you. This is great to know. I was paying that fucker. Yeah, exactly. So I felt like I got off light being told I was ripping off fucker yeah exactly so it's not I felt like I got off

I got off light being told I was ripping off Dimitri Martin on screen I got my own guy who's working for me going look at him

he's a hack he fucking wrote that shit yes so I'm I'm nervous about going on I'm hearing that

and just getting really intimidated going fucking hell was he laughing or was he being serious no not really I was trying to figure it out and I was like oh man you're in a dark place in your life he was just really intensely gone fuck and he just did not stop and so then I did my set and then came back to the green room and as I came back into the green room he very clearly

stopped mid-sentence as he was obviously ripping me. Was he? And he's like, and then fucking this. Oh yeah, what's going on? Yeah, okay. Very clearly just teeing off on me and then had to stop mid-sentence. Wow. Wow, you. I know, I'm making a phone call straight away after this. By the way, this is ten years ago.

Yeah, I know. That's hilarious. Must have been two hours either side of a route. He's in bad mood. That's right. He's just dipping. He needs to get it in. This day explains so much about you. This is like, it's this day and when you met Rolf Harris at a train station and he told you to fuck off.

Yes. Did he really? The two events that created the Carl Chandler we know today. As I was a kid as well. How insulting. He said fuck off. No, he just went, I I said I asked for his autograph And he just wouldn't do it

Oh right It was in Meribor My hometown He insulted me On my home turf Yeah so that episode as well On top of that So the way that you guys

Used to record it was That you'd come on And do ten minutes up front Or whatever And be the host of the show Four Yeah three to four Sometimes two to three

Yeah it dragged mate I'll tell you no It was not great So it was two comics. And so I was one. And the other person, the other person was a guy called Andy Muirhead. Whatever happened to that guy? He went to school with my wife.

Oh, really? Yeah. Right. How old was she at the time? She was in kindergarten. Right. So it was me and a guy who then went to jail for... For child pornography.

Child pornography. He did ten months, didn't he? Eight months, ten months. That night, no. Well, yeah, there's a... Not to get too inside baseball, but there's a show... We're recording this near the end of the Comedy Festival and there's a show on as part of the Comedy Festival every year

called The Comedy Zone, where the Comedy Festival and there's a show on as part of the Comedy Festival every year called The Comedy Zone where the Comedy Festival go around and they find the most promising new people. Heggie, you were in it one year? Oh, yeah. Fucking great time. Were you in it? Brilliant. Yeah.

Did you emcee? No. No. You don't do that, do you? No, I don't. I thought it was meant to be a revolving sort of line-up so that everyone gets a bit of a crack at emceeing. You'd think that.

No, this kind of had to go on first every night. Go well? Take the bullet, arsehole. Even after asking a few times, no, no, no. Set in stone, fuck off. Great. Go to some more flyering. I was talking to someone who is in it this year

and I was saying, how did you get in it? Did you have to do that? Because I don't know if it was like this when you did it but they used to do an audition where they would have a gig where they would kind of get everyone who was in contention for it and have them on at the one night. Yeah, I had to do that. I had to come to Melbourne to do that.

Yeah, exactly. You get asked to do it and it's very exciting. It's like, oh, cool, I might get this big opportunity. But then the gig is just all industry insiders. That don't laugh. That don't laugh, have seen everything before. And so I did it like years and years and years ago and I thought, oh, fuck, maybe I'm going to get in this thing.

And I did, you know, look, I think I did like fine given the circumstances but not great by any measure. And I didn't get in the comedy zone and the person who ran it at the time said to me, you know, you were this close to being in it but the guy that was on after you was just like, you know, that clearly had the best gig of the night. Who was it? Out of you and him, we had to put him on.

And the name of that man was Andy Muirhead. And you look like a pest. But you're not. Yeah, I mean, if it was now, I'd be a shoo-in for sure. No, he looks like a pest now but back then he looked like the sort of person that Andy Muirhead would have been quite happy to have to download a few pictures of. That's why they couldn't put both of you in.

Yeah, maybe that's why. Only one gets through. Well, he went on right after me and destroyed, maybe because he was following me. He was so fired up. He just went out there and fucking a thousand miles an hour. They're all laughing at his stiffy. Fuck, he did great. Apart from when he first walked out up. He just went out there and fucking thousand miles an hour. Fuck, he did great.

Apart from when he first walked out and he knocked over the mic stand with his erection. Strong opening. His first three minutes of our pre-cum were pretty strong. This is legal. I remember in the past he's come up in conversation with people on the podcast and we've been shitty about them bringing it up because we've had to edit it out.

Have you? What a difference two years, mate. Where is he now? What's he doing? I think he's out. Yeah, and what? Is he in Tasmania still? A school teacher.

I believe he's rehabilitated. Good. So I'm sure he can listen to this and just laugh and laugh. Oh, God. We better run this through the legal expert before we put it out. Quick, Hengie, tell us that service station story you were hiding out before the podcast. No, actually, yeah.

No, come on, come back to it. Come on, we're in these deep waters now. We may as well get every – if this is going to come out, we may as well go out with a bang. All right, all right. We'll see if this is interesting enough to drag you away from that. But we did. So after that gig, so that was, you know –

Did you ever use the reel? Did you ever use it though? Use it how? I don't know, like to get other gigs or anything? Maybe. I don't know because this is pre-internet really. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just MySpace was kicking off.

Yeah, I had a clip of mine up on my little MySpace media player. Oh. That was the hallmark of comics at the day, the Stand Up Australia clip on your little media player on your MySpace page. Yeah, that got a good go on my poster for about four years after. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like everyone did.

Man, I'm still using it. I'm just waiting to get another credit to put it there. Did you use it as a quote which said, Dimitri Martin, Cam Knight? That would be excellent. Maybe I might do that next time, actually. That's quite a good quote. Dimitri Martin, everyone.

Cam Knight. Dimitri Martin, Cam Knight, and then in quotation marks, an arrow pointing up going, this guy's a hack, Dave Williams. Yes, yes. And then below that, these guys used to be really sexy 40 years ago. Hand him your head. Fuck. Fuck it.

Let's not call back to it just in case. So we did that gig. We did the show. And then we finished. And it was way out of Sydney somewhere. So you fly to Sydney for this? Yeah, I fly to Sydney. Yeah, it was out in North Ride.

Yeah, because I said earlier, it's like 12 months into comedy for me. So it's like, can I go on this thing? And then I didn't even know where it was filmed. And they go, yeah, it's in Sydney. And I'm like, okay, I guess I'm flying myself up there for a couple hundred bucks. You must have been spewing when four months later they come and do it in Melbourne. No, because then I did. Well, like you said, like you went and did your second one. I then asked if I could get on the second one.

Right. And they said yes. But I didn't do it because like you said, you know, that's a, you know, you didn't have that much material back then. I had it and coming up to the gig, I went, you know what, I'm still only 18 months in. I burnt my good 10 minutes earlier. Yeah. I burnt my pyjamas by then

yeah literally yeah yeah and so then I reckon I was supposed to do another 10 minute spot I was like I reckon I've only got about 5 minutes left

so I've got 2 days to go I shit my pants and hit them up and went oh grandma died I can't do the gigs wow and literally pulled

I've never done that before but literally pulled The funeral excuse Wow And then they go Oh who cares We'll put on another open mic Wow I don't know who replaced me

Probably me What a time What a time to think back on You worrying about Not having enough material How's the festival show going? Very good I should have had someone

Come in and heckle me there Andy Muirhead You're too old. You kind of did. That would have been great. You kind of did. He just did it at the end of the set. I just didn't book it.

That was the origin of you putting me in a heckle show. Yeah, I was ahead of my time. I was setting you up. There you go. You're welcome. Thanks for giving me the idea of being humiliated every night. So after that gig, we were way out there and then I finished and Andy Mulehead finished and we said, okay, well,

let's go in and go back into Sydney and maybe, you know, hang out, have a drink or something. And we went back in and I was staying in some hostel or whatever and I was like, oh, I'm just going to go there. And that Andy guy, like I don't really know him, but he was very quiet. Yeah. Very just serious.

It was unnerving actually, wasn't it? It was a bit Patrick Bateman. It was one of the quiet ones, wasn't it? Yeah. Yes. You're one of the quiet ones. I know. You haven't said anything for about half an hour.

What have you been doing? He's imagining us dead. How deeply you'd have to bury a hole. Yeah. But I do remember just going, okay, well, here's my hostel. Let's drink in the – it was like a backpacker bar underneath it. And we went underneath and we started drinking. I was always thinking, oh, I can drink quite a bit.

You know, let's do this. Let's have a few cans. And so we went in there. Then a few years in, I realised that the waitress was off Big Brother and she'd been coming up to him and being very friendly and then she'd come up and goes, you know, do you like another one or whatever? And I go, you're from Big Brother. And then she goes, oh, I'm cutting you guys off.

Cut us off. And so we'd been drinking for most of the night and I was like really drunk. I remember getting up, standing up and nearly falling over. And as we left, I remember Andy just getting up and he drunk more than me and just walking out absolutely unaffected wow and i was like you're a weirdo little did i know there was more going on than the fact he could drink a lot and walk in a straight line that's actually a very great reported in there that's a very great litmus test for being too drunk in a bar. Like if you're an ex-reality show person and you work in hospitality,

as soon as someone is drunk enough to think that it's a good idea to accost you for being on the show, that's it. They're out. They're too drunk. Yeah, totally. What were we going to say after that? I was setting you up for this sweet servo story that you had up your sleeve. Oh, yeah.

Well, I don't know, man. It's a bit of a big build-up now, isn't it? I've got a couple of servos. I've never worked in a servo, but I've been in one. Oh, fucking la-di-da. One of my mates, when we were 17, he used to work in a servo during the graveyard shift. I just thought it would be a good idea to put on my balaclava

and run past the window fuck and fuck it went off it couldn't have been better great what happened what did he do

oh he fucking shit himself emergency button cops you know it was fucking yeah it's good so what do you mean

you literally just ran past the window you didn't even go in didn't go in no what an idiot where were you when the cops rocked up?

Did you go back in? I was in the distance watching. You're like a pyromaniac looking at your own work just enjoying it. I just wanted to do it. You've got to enjoy the aftermath. The story I told you before actually to do a survey, a mate of mine used to work in one doing the graveyard and this piss guy walked in like a fucking maggot,

Carl Chandler maggot. Walked up to the pie cabinet picked out the most expensive pie like at the time probably like a four buck pie or something fucking went up and paid for it

walked outside didn't even take a bite just turned around and threw the whole pie out the window just fucking smashed it and then just walked off great

that is fucking rock and roll that's real good yeah I love it the most expensive pie in a server wow only egging would say that it's like when you go egging and rock and roll. That's real good. Yeah. I love it. The most expensive pint of servo. Wow. Only Heggie would say that.

It's like when you go egging, you think you just get caged. Oh, now, let's, okay, discuss this. Okay, Heggie loves a bit of egging. Yeah, is that right? I've heard you make mention of that. Yeah, he seeks revenge through a very childish means by going egging people's houses, cars. What did you do to that neighbour of yours

that was rude to you and your kids? Oh. Well, I held on to that for about four years. Yeah. And waited until... This is good. It's stewing. We'd moved.

Oh, you wait till the egging. You're going to get up to do it. Yeah, I'm going to. I don't think I know your place I know you know where I live You were just going to be Catching them And then throwing them

Back at Dave Williams Yeah I've told this before I fucking This guy just used to Yell out the window He lived downstairs In an apartment block

Yell out the window At my baby Who was six months old He'd cry every now and then She was fucking great But every now and then You know he cried And yeah he's screaming Out things like What are you doing to the child Fucking shut up My baby, who was six months old, he'd cry every now and then. She was fucking great, but every now and then, you know, he cried.

And, yeah, he's screaming out things like, what are you doing to the child? Fucking shut up. Like, shit, I'm going to kill this guy. And I didn't, clearly, because, you know, my wife stopped me doing it. And then we moved out, and then I just had to wait until my wife and kids were away, and took a dozen and fucking destroyed his car. In the radiator, down that thing where the windscreen wipers come out.

Oh, wow. One up the exhaust pipe, fucking every panel, just fucking caned it. Next day I see his car driving around Coogee, we're fucking spotless. He had it professionally cleaned. Yeah, you're right. Did it again. 12 more that night.

What about the door handle? Oh, yeah. Didn't you put a bit of dog shit? Oh, turd. No, it was a different guy. It's more than one. I thought this was a one. Every year or so

I'll do this to this guy. And he's got no idea who it is. He was having like a garage sale because he didn't have a garage, it was an apartment. People have just sale of their shit in their apartment. But unfortunately I didn't go in. I fucking wish I did. I wanted to walk in and just leave an egg in there, like a whole egg.

Oh, great. Like as a threat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a bullet. Yes. An empty carton just sitting on the road. That's where they all are. Next one's coming much faster.

This is like a weird Marthioso thing. You just wake up with a horse head in their bed, but not you, just an egg. Not a horse head. Did I get drunk and decide to make breakfast? I did leave a couple of pictures of eggs. Is Rocky going to come and train here soon? Just so he knew it wasn't random,

I left a couple of pictures of eggs in his letterbox. And then in a red letter day for senseless vandalism i fucking found out he changed cars so i did it to his new car oh wow great fuck yeah like a year apart too so does he know does he what do you know you don't know this different guy he'd fucking know this different guy with the dog turd under the hand dog turd was from fucking the same guy every day getting his dog to shit right outside my bedroom. Right. Not pick it up.

Yeah. Fucking after me telling him and everything. So it was his dog turd under his fucking car. Oh, great. Yeah. Door handle. You're a little like a superhero, aren't you? Thank you very much.

Not many people put it like that, but yes. It's like no one's dusted for fingerprints on that dog turd. No one's doing that, man. No one's. Now, this is the sort of sense of humour that dog turd. No one's doing that, man. No one's. Now, this is the sort of sense of humour that the French love. Well, they love Jerry Lewis and he putting a dog shit up under a door handle. This is the man for me. Oh, man.

This has been brought up with me and you before as well. You... Fuck. Given all of this story of what we've learned about you today already, you used to hold a Guinness record. No, I was fucking very close. Oh, I thought you held the world record. No, no, no.

Very close. I fucking didn't get it. For egging? Was it for egging? For being the biggest cunt in the world? It was longest leg hair. It's getting there. Look, it's back out to about 10.

Oh, you're not mucking around, are you? 10 or 11 centimetres. Wow. It's that one. Wow. But the record's gone up. How long was it, though? I got up to about 13.

But the record at the time, this is 05, the record was like 14 centimetres So I rang Guinness And said Fucking get round here Hang on You rang the beer company Or you rang the

No no no The people Because I reckon The beer company Must get a lot of those calls Yeah yeah Totally Fuck off

Totally Or you just sit in the pub And you like Order a pint of it And also Is there someone back there Who can watch me scull this and say if it's the fastest? And also, I think that that's quite – have we talked about this before?

I think this is quite ironic. I reckon there's a rule with the Guinness Book of Records where there's no records held by someone getting the most pissed or doing stuff while drunk. They've got a lot of rules about this sort of shit. They don't have biggest turd. They don't do eating competitions, stuff like that. Which is ironic because a lot of those things

are done whilst drunk, which you think should be encouraged by a beer company. There should be a Guinness World Records book that's like the clean, you know, longest fingernail that you're stocking stuff and then there should be a Guinness World Records book up late. It's just all rot. It's like biggest ball

of snot collected in a corner yeah yeah yeah penthouse book of world records yeah that's right longest wank all that sort of stuff

Sting's won it again yes is that the same hair is that the same one or you just grow so that's never fallen out oh no it has yeah it fell out

I was fucking so close to being champion I was showing every close to being champion. I was showing every cunt. I spent the whole... He's like, this is my breakthrough. This is my moment. Excuse your French. Sorry.

Are we supposed to be clean on this? Yeah, absolutely. I slept all winter with my leg out of the bed. Fucking shorts all winter so it wouldn't rub off. And I thought, this is my... With his leg out the window to catch the morning sun so it could grow anymore But since then

I've probably no chance like if someone else has gotten onto it some fucking arsehole has got like a 20cm one so that's gone One of those crazy people in India

that's got the long fingernails I don't know it's full of Indians that book They're all like shortest man To be fair there's a lot of people

from India The odds are pretty good statistically Are you doping at all? Are you getting Rogan and just rubbing it on that one little hair every night? You could probably To be fair, there's a lot of people from India. Yeah, absolutely. The odds are pretty good statistically. Are you doping at all? Are you getting Rogan and just rubbing it on that one little hair every night? You could probably. Like the guy who had the record though, which this pissed me off because it's not a level playing field. His was an inner thigh hair, which is clearly a fucking pube.

And mine's actually on my leg. But aren't they all pubes? Yeah. You've got face hair, that's pubes. You've got face pubes. Yeah. How long are your pubes? everything you got face hair that's your face pubes yeah how long are your pubes are they nothing in 15 centimeters no is that an unfair well not mine but that's a freak occurrence i'm not hairy enough but i'm not fucking like a bear like

some cunts but that's a fucking big hair it is a big one but so um i want to go so is it do you read the guinness world record book and see that record and go, I reckon I've got one longer than that? No, no, no. Or are you just noticing one day, like, how did you even notice it? Yeah, were you just casually stroking your leg? I looked down. It was early morning. The sun caught and it was just flapping around in the wind.

Fuck, that is special. I'm going to look this up. And I looked it up. And they say, like, it was growing about a centimetre a month. And they say, you know, we'll come out for 300 pounds now and fucking check your record. Otherwise, we'll come out in six weeks, it'll be free. So I'll get him in six weeks because it's fucking happening.

And about five weeks later, it had fallen off. I was within a centimetre of the record. Did you keep it though? I don't know when it fell off. So you, oh man, I bet you regret not paying that 300 pounds, hey? Well, I wouldn't have, I wasn't know when it fell off. You don't, right. So you, oh man, I bet you regret. Too much show and tell. I bet you regret not paying that 300 pounds, hey? Well, I wouldn't have, I wasn't quite there yet. Right. I just predicted.

I'd done the physics and figured that, you know, sorted out the date. That would be great. I'd done the numbers and thought I can get out in six weeks. That would be so good. That would be such a good, because you know there's like, who has it currently because there's like an ongoing thing

of like longest stand-up gig? Oh yeah, it wasn't Lindsay Webb. Lindsay Webb and then I think Lemo had it at one point. Yeah, yeah. But it's kind of like,

it's not, there's no quality. I think Dave Thornton tries to go for it most nights. Sticky footed motherfucker. If you can just stand on stage and be prepared to talk For 30 hours without falling asleep

There needs to be someone judging it Going this has to be a laugh At least every minute or something I think they do actually Stipulate a certain amount of jokes have to be told And they actually do a lot Breaks and stuff like that And so then you can just come out and do crowd work

And get jokes out of that but you get mates in to do stuff with you as well oh really yeah that's what Mark Watson did I think that's what they would just get friends in

and they'd do it over that period but Lemo didn't do that I'm sure that was him yeah I think he just gunned it out he just barrelled it through and I remember there's a clip on YouTube

of him doing it and I think everyone does this that has a record it's not their own gear like they just start doing knock, knock, knock. Joke books and whatever. Punch out a bit of ostentatious.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All that sort of stuff which is horrible for the crowd. You can see the crowd going. Surely a crowd must rotate. They're not fucking sitting there for 24 hours, the same crowd. Well, when Mark Watson used to do those 24-hour shows, people would love it.

People would go and sit there for the whole 30 hours. Fucking hell. And that's in the Guinness Records, is it? I don't know if Mark's is. The Guinness Book of World Records should come out to the Melbourne Comedy Festival and there should be a record for hour-long show that feels the longest.

That would be great. Least laughs. That would be great. Why don't we We should set it Why don't we Hit up Guinness And go

Can we Can we write Can we compile Our own comedy section Of it Yeah And we can have All of that

That's not a bad idea Let's try and do that I think the sheen's Gone off the Guinness World Records And it used to be A big deal When I was a kid

Now it gives a fuck Yeah I'm always surprised You're only just saying that Because you're bitter Yeah how's this guy From calling them up to get them to come to his house to who gives a fuck about his life? Hey, guys, come and look at my pubes. I'll pay you 500 bucks.

Yeah, actually, how many kind of bogus calls, how many times do you reckon that committee has to turn up to someone's house and it's just some nutter where they're like, okay, so what's your record? Oh, check out me fucking. I've got a big check out me yeah check out me brown eyes i've got a cat that's 10 foot tall oh sorry i was just really off my head heggie i wanted to ask you this before and i i got sidetracked so carl chandler when he starts doing comedy he's getting out there he's doing open mic gigs in uh pajamas let's say let's say that let's say that kyle chandler was just starting comedy now imagine and uh a grown man he's he's yeah he's at the you encounter him at a gig doing stand-up in in pajamas what do you make of that what do i make

of it yeah what would you think of this guy i'll be surprised anyway that anyone between the age of like 10 and fucking 70 would wear pajamas pyjamas at any stage of their life. Yes. Like as a stage thing, fucking good on you. Everyone needs, you know, nights try to put on novelty acts and stuff here and there, just pad it out with shit. Can't have all the same good stuff on.

Yeah. Put some cunt on in pyjamas. Yeah. It's like filling up your comedy festival show with a bit of fucking ukulele at the end of it. And you want to be show guilty of that? Yeah, so you play, you've always got like an instrument in your show that you play. If only it was comedy.

I don't know how you cunts would know, except for the photos you get from trolling and bullying me online. Yeah, pretty much. Never actually been to the show. This guy really does get it. Yeah, that's the thing I find interesting about you, because I think if you heard of someone else doing a show that had an accordion in it, I think you would be quite miffed by that.

Depends what they're fucking doing. What do you think they're doing with it? Well, if they're fucking playing the outro music like I do after I've clocked off and they've had fucking... Oh, do you just play the Luke Heggie theme at the end of the show? No, he plays the mandolin and then you still do one-liners while you're playing the mandolin, which, funnily

enough, Dimitri Martin did as well. He played guitar for the whole hour of one-liner. What are you, the Dimitri Martin police? So you're both guilty. You should do a duo show. Good thing Dimitri Martin police. So you're both guilty. You should do a duo show. If I could think Dimitri Martin's not going bald, I'm off the hook. I'd be copping it right now. We could be Dimitri and Martin.

The Australian Dimitri Martin experience. Oh, wow. That's great. That would be good. I know there's a guy that does Bill Hicks. There's a guy that does Bill Hicks and there's a guy that does Bill Hicks. There's a guy that does Bill Hicks and there's a guy that does Andrew Dice Clay. I think there's a lot of guys who fucking do Hicks. Yeah, there's a lot of...

But actually they bill themselves as an impersonator and they just do their gear for an hour. Like the Beatles cover bands do and fucking Vegas and stuff. There should be more. Next year I'm going to do a Luke Hickey cover shot. I'm just going to do your show from this year. I'd fucking watch that. Love to see what you do.

Well, you've been a few times this year, that's for sure. You're obviously a fan. Yeah. You better get that leg hair growing. Yeah, why don't we do, yeah, like an international that's just, they're never going to come to Melbourne. Like they're never going to come out to Melbourne. Yeah, why don't we do... Yeah, like an international that's just...

They're never going to come to Melbourne. Like they're never going to come out to Melbourne. Yeah. You just do... There are a few people that do that just unbilled. Yeah, fucking hell. Unofficially. Bill Burr comedy shows.

Oh, yeah. A fair few of them. CKs. Yeah. Yeah. All over the place. There's a few of that going around. That took a dip, didn't it?

Nobody wanted to name names there, did they? Everyone's like, yep, yep, we all know. You were all fine with the pedophile joke before, but not joke stealing. That's really the show in a nutshell, isn't it? That guy's out of comedy. He can't hurt us anymore. We're all too old.

But joke stealing, yeah, we can't touch that. This might come back to bite us in the ass. anymore we're all too old but joke stealing yeah we can't touch that this might come back to bite us in the ass uh you you had a you you had something you were saying uh before we started recording about someone buying prince tickets oh yeah i had to get up at four in the morning to go down to the state theater in um sydney to get tickets for my wife she's a mad prince fan like she was more devastated by his death last year than like a family member that died last year as well she's paid like two2,000 to meet him. Wow.

Like, yeah. Like, and I talk about it in my show. I just say I've never loved anything like that. Like, I wouldn't even pay $2,000 to hang out with her. And, you know, like I think that she loves... And what does she do for a living? Well, she does all right. Well, you're paying her two grand to hang out with her.

And I went down there. I went down to the State Theatre and there's only three people there. And so I was like, great, that means I'm fourth in line. I'm going to get some good tickets. But one of the women had a suitcase and I started talking to her and then she just handed me this Spirax notebook. And the other two were like, don't open the book. Do not open the book.

And I was like, I'm so going to open this now. Because I thought she might have just drawn some fan art. know how those like the end of seven yeah I thought she might have had to show me some drawings because that's what fans do they just mash up favorite songs like doves crying driving a little red corvette that's what I thought I was in for but then it was a lot of them on red bubbles and buy on t-shirts and stickers I open it up and it's just she's written a handwritten manuscript just stating that we're all zombie sheep and we've been microchipped by everybody taking saccharin tablets.

They've been hiding microchips in saccharin tablets. And she just yelled it out to the street and everyone else. The other two are just quivering in the corner. And I was like, this is fucking awesome. And then after that, she just pulled a brush out of her bag, started brushing her hair furiously, pulled all of the hair out of the brush, turned it into little balls, set it on fire like some sort of shamanistic

ritual. Then she took all her fucking clothes off, got butt naked and then threw her clothes into the street, then grabbed a floral dress out of the suitcase, put that on, grabbed the suitcase and stormed off. And I was just like, sweet, I'm third. She was homeless

And we'd essentially Broken into her bedroom For the night And started asking her Questions about Prince She was a homeless woman And she was just using That Undercroft

As a place to stay Right Incredibly pissed off That we'd crashed her space And you were just She just accidentally Lined up for Prince tickets Yeah

Yeah Just by default And then just Then just pissed off. And I was just like, how awful are we? I was about to spend $1,200 on these tickets and she's got nowhere to sleep. Well, to be fair, what she did sounded like a Prince concert.

Yeah. Got that for free. If she'd pulled enough money together, she had such a sweet spot in the line, she could have bought tickets and then flipped them and made a sweet spot. Made more money. Yeah, that's it.

Bought more hair. That's great, a homeless person coming up to you and asking for money. that's it bought more hair that's great a homeless person coming up to you and asking for money i just need to buy some tickets so i can flip them i've got this sweet spot in the line please i can start i can start fresh with this money i actually read somewhere though i was wondering if that was her defense to get us out of there like because i was wondering what i'd do if somebody broke into my house and started asking me questions about prints yeah like i read that if somebody is to attack you that you should actually you should get naked like i don't know if you know about this but dave eastgate was up in the

gold coast a couple of years ago and he had to go to court for it but these guys were going to bash him and so he just stood up on a park bench and got his dick out and he got done for you know for getting his dick out yeah and had to go to court but he got off because he was using it as a defense mechanism apparently that's and i was wondering if that was her defense but hang on so he was going to get bashed so he got his dick out but he got arrested for it yeah were the cops the people that were trying to bash him how did he get caught for that he was in a 7-eleven a rucker started in the 7-eleven and he started sticking up for the person that was getting bullied.

Right. And then there was some back and forth with these guys and then it carried out outside while he had his pie in his hand. And then they wanted to go in, so he just got it out and gave it a bit of a wiggle waggle. Right. And then he got arrested for it. Right.

Had to sleep overnight in the cell. But again, that's great that the cops didn't... Overnight, a good amount of time to get your story straight. That's right. But again, a great thing where the cops didn't come in when there was a bashing, but as soon as you got those dicks out, they're like, oh, what's happening on wine or rice? Yeah, yeah, that's it.

What do you make of that, Heggie? If you'd taken someone and they got nude, would that stop you? If you got the eggs ready to go, you can't get yolk on someone's dick, that's not cool. Yeah, if you're about to egg someone and they take all their clothes off, does that stop you? If you've got the eggs ready to go. You can't get yolk on someone's dick. That's not cool. Yeah, if you're about to egg someone and they take all their clothes off, does that stop you?

Yeah. Would you egg their dick? I mean, I don't generally. I've left egging people in my past. I used to go out egging all the time when we were 17-odd. Fucking great fun. Have you ever been busted? The one time I've done it, I got caught.

What were you egging? Halloween, egged a person's house. I think the mum just followed us home and knocked on the front door, told my parents. Right. So you just walked home. Saw you guys making a fort with your cartons. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then we had to go around there and clean it up. So you just egged them and then walked home. Yeah. Straight home. Leisurely paced. Fucking amateur hours and then walked home? Yeah. Straight home. Leisurely pace. Fucking amateur hours. Yeah, fucking ace. Some of us might say

you deserve that. Yeah, you've got to egg and run. I'm the book of world records egging champion. I needed a father figure like you in my life. I can't wait to take

my kids egging. Your little French kids are going to be the best eggers the world's ever seen. Lil Blake's got a pretty good arm. What's French for egg? F. Oh, you for egg? F. Oh, you know it as well.

Yeah, I only know that because I went to, I stayed in France and I had to try and find some eggs in a supermarket. Story checks out. Here we go. Oh, someone hit you in the head with a baguette the night before and told you to go and egg them. I got egged in France. And I didn't know and I looked it up in the book

and I went up to the lady in the supermarket and I just, I basically just went up to her and just went, excuse-moi, je voudrais herf, which is all I said was, I want eggs? With a question mark. And then she said, herf? And I was like, herf? And we both were just saying that question over and over.

And then she took me to the herf. Take me to the egg. Sounds like France is wonderful all the culture the city of love I reckon that's about all the time we've got for the little

dum-dum club for this week Cam Knight Luke Heagy thank you so much for joining us thanks for having us you guys have got shows at I believe

the Sydney Comedy Festival which will be on when people hear this I guess and Perth heaps of listeners over in Perth, so go check these guys out. And Sydney. Tell them we sent you, and then you'll be

back around doing stuff. You're both on social media. Yeah, we're there. You've got websites, so if you want to go and see Lukey or Cam Knight, get onto their websites. You're doing full hour shows. What are your shows called again? Mine's called Rough Diamante. Mine's called Momentous.

I regret it as well. It's called Momentous. Right. I regret it as well. It's so good hearing people plug their shows at the end of the run. They're like, dinner for two. You know, like 60 dining. Yeah, yeah. Very good. Very good stuff.

And yeah, just a little pop-in mention for the Coastal Movie Podcast Festival, which is coming up very soon. Yes. All our stuff's at littledumbdumbclub.com. Guys, thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you next. See you next.