The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 347 - Nick Capper & Brett Blake

Episode Date: June 11, 2017

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Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Nick Capper and first-time guest Brett Blake. But before that, we, hey, you know what, for the very last time, we need to sit here and tell you that we are about to attend the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival. Carl, I'm going to miss sitting here and hyping up this thing that I'm sure most people don't really give a fuck about, to be honest. Let's keep hyping it up once we're finished doing it then. Why should we be sad? Let's pretend we never went. I'm sure there's a lot of support online. People are very excited about it.

A lot of people have chipped into the GoFundMe and the Patreon to get all the bonus content that we're going to make over there. I'm sure there's an equal number of listeners sitting there going, good for you. You get the luxury of being able to go on a holiday. Must be nice. I'm sick of fucking hearing about this. Look, and you know what? For the people that didn't go, that decided not to go,

I don't mean to rub it in, but another one of the bonus content parts of going is we just made an exclusive Facebook group for all the people who are coming. You guys, you've really fucked it. You've screwed the pooch, haven't you? The Facebook group is filling me with a lot of joy for the trip. It really has been the perfect way to get hyped up. Yes, it is.

Going over. Because there's listeners already over there who are already chiming in with some restaurant recommendations. It's killing me that someone has beaten me there. Fuck. I can tell. There's a guy who's been messaging us on the Facebook page and you've got to leave this guy alone and let him enjoy his holiday.

It's like a little kid looking through the window on all the nice little Christmas toys that he can't have. Totally. Like a little orphan out in the cold. This guy's telling me, this guy's like, oh, I walked down the street and I got this. And I'm like, oh, what restaurant was that? Oh, what's the weather now? How much are cocktails over there now?

Yeah, and you're such a, like he's messaging you like a photo of a drink and you're like, how much did that cost? This is just another version of my webcam thing where I just like to see what's going on over there. Whereas I'm in the private group going, hey, guys, what's the best place to get a SIM card? Can anyone look up the good quad biking companies from over there? You know, I'm using it to just, you know, get in and be able to just, you know, go, not have to do any research when I get there. Yeah. So, yeah, we just mentioned it. But this, if you're listening to this hot off the

presses this is your last chance to contribute to the gofundme uh account which is the the reason we've been able to uh pull this insane stunt off thank you so much thanks guys man you chuck so much in that's made this uh a lot easier to be able to run uh uh we're able to fly over the guests and put them up and um and bring over a filmmaker to put all this, put like a doco together. Fair to say, like we thought people would be into it and that we would get money, but this has well exceeded the expectations

of what we thought we would get. Totally. Is that fair? Like well, well exceeded. Man, you guys have done an awesome job. Yeah. Thanks so much for those people that did it, for the people sitting around on their ass just going,

this is a free podcast, I'm never putting in. You know, fuck you. But for everyone else, good for you. No, it's pretty exciting that people are still doing it. But guys, like we said, this is the last chance. If you're listening to this straight away, please, if you want the bonus content stuff that we're going to

put a lot of effort into and chuck out there, if you want to, please act straight away because we know there's going to be you people that come back and go, oh yeah, but I know it's too late, but can we do that now anyway? Can I do it? No, we're not doing any of that. It's just such a pain in the ass. We just had a discussion about it then.

We've got to cut it off on this day because it just is too much hassle to chase it all up after the fact. So all the emails from the Patreon and the GoFundMe, they are all going to go into the system and you're going to start getting all the updates. Yeah, well, we're over there. Hopefully I forget to BCC everyone again. So you'll also get access to some people's email addresses

that you can enter onto your mailing list if you run one. So that's a hidden incentive to chip in. Lovely. Me probably fucking up. Yeah, if you work at a call centre, get on this thing. So very exciting. So this is the last studio episode

you'll hear before we are literally recording in Thailand. And that's it. The next time you hear us on the show, next episode, we're recording the ad

over there as well. So it'll be pure, no more of this Melbourne shit. It'll be pure Thailand-based content. Yeah. It'll be like,

it'll sound different. The air's different over there. We're close to the equator. This will really influence our humour, I think. Interesting. By being, you know, a bit of Tropic of Capricorn sort of material and stuff like that. It'll be good.

So how exciting is that going to be? We're literally recording this the day before we leave. So we're, I don't know, I think we've got a bit of a mixture of excitement and just dread that we've still got so much shit to do. Yeah, there's a lot to organise. I mean, long-time listeners will be shocked to hear that we've left anything till the last minute, but yeah, there is a lot.

Well, there's so much you can organise from this end and then go over there and sort of expect things to be like normal and stuff that we know. But I feel like that's true of any kind of holiday. This is a working holiday but any kind of break where you – it's great when you're there but the payoff for that is you then have to bust your ass for the three days before you go, getting ahead of everything and it's kind of like more stressful

than your life would just be here if you weren't going on a holiday. So it all kind of balances out in the wash. What I'm saying is I think I'm going to not come now. All right. So thank you, everyone, for chipping on the GoFundMe page. Very generous. And, of course, you get all the gear, all the bonus content gear. And, of course, the people who have continued to chip in on the Patreon

get that as well, including all the new people that have jumped on board that. Thank you so much for the continuing support of the Patreon subscribers. Of course, just normally you get the bonus episodes bonus content bonus magazine depending on what level of patronage uh you participate in um so and of course part of that is you get your little name read out um it's like a little vanity license plate really isn't it speaking of vanity license plates fuck yeah i've got to get mine on yeah i still haven't put mine on i'm aware fuck i really do you want to do it after this i guess it hasn't been that long oh no it's been over a year yeah no no it hasn't i didn't get

it i only got it not not a year ago okay yeah how long ago well whenever you, I think about six months, seven months or something like that. Because you literally didn't give me the voucher until after my birthday, like a fair while after the birthday. But it's nearly June. It's coming up on a year. Yeah, okay. Alright, I'll get on to it. I'll bring it to Thailand and I'll put it on a tuk-tuk.

Actually do it. Bring them with you. Yeah, bring them with you. Should I? Like the Garda Gnome in Amelie. Take them on tour. Fuck. Yeah, do it. We're flying Jetstar.

It's going to weigh too much. Yeah, see if you can attach it to the back of the plane that we're flying in. Fuck. All right, I'm going to look into this. All right, I better look into this. All right, all right, cool. So thank you so much, guys.

String them around your neck like how people have like the, you know, like the hen's parties have like the pea plates. Oh, I thought you meant like as in when you get arrested and you've got the like the little, you know, head, the mugshot. Both. Both appropriate. Yeah. All right.

Thank you to everyone for doing everything for us. Thanks so much. Including, let's say thanks to these five people in particular this week. For new listeners, we always read people's names out. Let's go with this one. Thank you so much to Patreon subscriber Jason Hay. Oh, hey, Jason. Oh, I would have gone with a bit of he's a true fan,

a bit of Jason Hay, mate. Oh, no. Yeah. You cut me off. I was saying, hey, Jason, thanks for the money. Oh, classic. That's great. Sorry to interrupt.

Such magic. Such the maestro conducting his orchestra and you barge in. No, I've got a different way of arranging this symphony. Well, hang on. Are you the maestro conducting your own orchestra and the orchestra is you? Yes. So you were just waving a wand, a little wand in front of yourself. So with one hand I've got the little conducting stick.

Yep. And then in the other hand I'm playing my instrument of choice. Yep. The skin flute. All right, good. Can you get arrested in Thailand for being too funny? Because I think that might be a chance of happening. Uh-oh.

Yeah, it is going to be weird over there. You know that they have two separate police over there? They have the normal police and they have the tourism police. Okay. So I'm not sure how exactly that works. I think they just sort of let us go a little bit more than what they let the… I mean, I guess it's like probably at any one time tourists… What kind of like percentage of the people on the island

do tourists account for? Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Well, I guess the tourist police just hang around at the bit that we're particularly going to stay in, which is Chewing Beach, which is the most popular. Which no local would ever hang out because it's rank. Yeah. And because everything's a lot more, you know, slightly more expensive there.

Yeah. So, yeah. But it'll be, I'm sure we'll run into them at some point. I've got a funny feeling we will definitely. Look. Sure. Thanks, Jason. Thanks, Hay.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber Michael Ellis. Oh, Michael Ellis. Yeah. What a professional sounding name there. A little bit of a, what would Michael Ellis do for a living? He sounds like he's got some paperwork around him, I reckon. Ellis, yeah. He sounds very – Ellis sounds like a name that would be like in a law firm,

like a partner in a law firm. Yeah. Michael and Ellis. Although that's just one name. Yeah. Winston Ellis and My Tiny Dick Off. Oh, right. Attorneys at Law.

My Tiny Dick Off. It does sound. Attorneys at law. My Tiny Dick Off. It does sound Bulgarian, doesn't it? Especially if you do it My Tiny Dick Of with an OV at the end. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That could be a thing. Oh, I know what name to stick on my passport tonight to try and get into Thailand tomorrow.

I'm looking forward. You know what? I'm looking forward to you seeing the? I'm looking forward to you seeing the Koh Samui International Airport. Okay. It's a ripper of an airport. That's the thing you're looking forward to most about this trip? One thing. I'm looking forward to many things.

I'm looking forward to you I feel like I'm jinxing this now by saying it, but forgetting your passport or there being some... Fuck, great idea. Yeah. Fuck. I did not think of Fuck, great idea. Yeah. Fuck. I did not think of that for one second. Yeah, fuck. I mean, yeah, look, it's in my

best interest. Like, it's not like where we've travelled before because we went to the States once together and you left your passport at home. Yes. And I, you know, I didn't want to get into the country without you. But it was also like if that had happened, well, I'd I'd be fine. But this is like we've got shows to do.

Like it'd be great for content when you eventually got there and it would be very funny but I mean you know there's less incentive for me to just let it go without telling you that you need to bring your passport. But literally I had not thought of that for a second. Great. Why would you?

You're only going overseas and it's not like you've ever done it before so why would you remember that you need to bring your passport. But literally I had not thought of that for a second. Great. Why would you? You're only going overseas. Yeah. And it's not like you've ever done it before. So why would you remember that you need a passport? That's what people say. That's the worrying thing about when people go somewhere a lot, they tend to sort of, you know, not worry as much because they're very casual. If I was going somewhere for the first time, I'd be like, oh, fuck.

Oh, this is going to be, you know, what's going to happen? Whereas this is like me going to my holiday home. This is like me on the weekend just going home to see mom and dad yeah i'm not worried about it but it's like you going to your holiday home and forgetting that you need a car to get down there yeah yeah i walked the whole way i'm such a fuckhead it took a week yeah well is your passport up to date yeah sure because that was a scare that i had today when someone reminded me that you need it needs to be it needs to have another six months on it and even though i know that i checked that recently do you know what i mean it's that thing where as soon as someone reminds you of the

possibility that you go oh actually i have not checked that i'm gonna go and check all of that and what pray tell will you do if you find that it's out of date? Well, they can look after that stuff, can't they, at the last minute? They can give you a bit of... Oh, I mean, we're doing this at two in the afternoon and we leave at 11am tomorrow. I mean, they can do it pretty last minute, but I don't know under that kind of time frame. I don't even know if that qualifies as last minute anymore.

Yeah, okay. Well, this is going to be an interesting hour after we record this. You might have to do an introduction to this introduction. Thank you, okay. This is going to be an interesting hour after we record this. You might have to do an introduction to this introduction. Thank you to Patrick Chalkley. Chalkley! Chalkley, very old school English name.

Someone that should be an issue of Whizzer and Chips or The Beano, some old cartoon, some old comic book. It's like a pub name, like the Royal Chalkley. Oh, yeah. You know? It's very English, very 1940s, I think. Very living outside of London in some little.

Shithole. Yeah, no, village where they call it a green instead of just like a big park or whatever. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. A green. You know that thing? Yeah. A green. You know that thing? Yeah. I stayed in a place called Woobin Green once and I was like,

why is it called green? It was like, because of the green. And it was just a big park. It's not a great advertisement for their mental capacities. Well, well. It makes them sound pretty simple. Yeah. Green.

The green. It's not just a colour. There's stuff there as well. It's grass. Just call it the grass then. Yeah. Anyway, thanks, Chalkley. We'll use the word that everyone else in the word uses for it.

And also, they made it up. Yeah. They made up that word. They're English. Yeah. Use the proper one of your words. Yeah. All right.

Thanks for nothing, Chalkley. Yeah, Chalkley. Go back to your fucking green, you idiot. Thank you, too. Oh, well, this is certainly not English. We've got an alarm. Is that a chalkly insult alarm going off? It's the content police.

Thank you to, oh, well, I don't know what this person is. I love these staggered readouts that you do sometimes. Thank you to Ingmar Duldig. Ingmar Duldig. Wow. I don't think I've ever Come across a name In the Patreon read That is anything like this

Not to be insensitive Are we being pranked? Yeah Ing Ing Ingmar That's like a famous name Yeah

But that's also something As a joke name It's like you'd be using that To say in my Yeah no In my dull dick I-N-G-M-A-R Ing Ingmar, as in Ingmar Bergman, famous director. Yeah.

But Dull Dick, I don't know about that. Ingmar Dull Dick. Ingmar Dull Dick. What part of the world does Ingmar hail from? Well, Ingmar, isn't that a, is that Italian? Ingmar Bergman, was he? I don't know. Oh, not, he wasn't Italian, was he?

We've got to stop speculating about things on this show because it just makes us sound like fucking idiots. This is what normal people are like. They don't know everything. We're one of you. We're the everyman. But we're not. We're meant to be. We're projecting ourselves as being better than them.

Yeah, but no one thinks that. No one is listening to this thinking that we are better than them. Why chip in? Why pay money to this thing if the people hosting it are just going to be dumber and less interesting than you and your mate? This is like the Good Friday appeal. They're giving money to someone less fortunate.

They don't get the actual sick kids to host the Good Friday appeal. That's a good point. Ingmar Doldig. Ingmar Doldig. Thanks, Ingmar. Thanks, Ingmar. Thanks, Doldig. I just want to keep saying it now.

Ingmar Doldig. Now it sounds a. Thanks, Ingmar. Thanks, Doldig. I just want to keep saying it now. Ingmar Doldig. Now it sounds a bit... It's a good vocal warm-up. Now that I'm saying it over and over, it sounds a bit more yokel and it's not. Ingmar Doldig. Ingmar Doldig. Sounds like some bad song.

Yeah. But I am fascinated by your name, Ingmar. Thanks, Ingi. Hit us up. Hit us up and tell us what the fuck is going on with your name. Ingo. And where's it from? All right. So us what the fuck is going on with your name. Ingo. And where's it from? All right.

So that's four down. We've only got one more to go. The last one. The last one until we go to Thailand. Yeah. So I wonder if we'll get any Thai subscribers over there when we go there. Potentially the last ever one of these that we ever do. I do feel like, yeah, saying a few goodbyes before we go.

Goodbye, Ingmar Dolding. Goodbye, Jack. All right. Thank you to the fifth Patreon subscriber for this week. Well, they're back. They're back. One of our favourite families are back. One of the most generous families on this podcast are back.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber Grandma Comedy. Grandma Comedy. Because did they have one week off or two weeks off? Had a couple weeks off. They went silent

for a little bit. So what happened maybe grandma's with like a different bank and her money just took a bit longer to come in or Maybe she didn't

sort of understand it took you know it takes the older population a little bit more to understand the internet. Or she just kind of wasn't on board and then she saw how much the names being read out, how much enjoyment it brought the rest of the comedy family. Yeah.

And so she was like, I got to get me some of this. She was trying to stick a birthday card with a $2 note on it into the internet. Yes. And it's taken her a fair while to work out that that's not how you do it. And then her son, Mr. Comedy, had to come along and go, come on, Nan, that's not how it works. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on, Mum, is what...

Well, yeah, but it's like that thing when... Did your parents do that? Where they would refer... Like, for the benefit of you, the children. Oh, right. That's a weird thing of ageing, where when you have kids, you just all of a sudden go, it's not Mum and Dad anymore. Yeah.

They're Granny and Grandpa. Yeah. Well, my dad would do that with my mum and go, come on, mum. I was like, that's not your mum. That's my mum. Yeah, my dad does that. Yeah. Yeah.

It's weird. It's kind of weird. Yeah, it is weird. Anyway, the comedy family, look, I wonder if grandpa comedy is still in the picture. Jesus Christ. Why would you trample over future content like that? Why would you do that? I'm not,

it's not trampling, it's forward selling. For anyone who was thinking that they might tune out after this episode, I'm giving you a reason to keep listening. Right,

right, right. No, that's fair, you're giving a shout out to Grandpa Comedy out there going, well,

where's your money? Yeah, you don't get to the end of Home and Away and they go, next episode, and go, well,

fuck this. Yeah, yeah. Although you could be just, you know what, to the end of Home and Away and they go, next episode, and go, well, fuck this. Yeah, yeah. Although you could be just, you know what, after the generosity of grandma comedy, you could be just rubbing her face in the fact that grandpa's been passed away for a few years. Well, I don't know.

I mean, yeah, I don't know if there's some way of finding out. Not a very good reward. Let me insist that there is no Patreon reward structure where we start talking about your dead husband on here. Well, we could get, I mean maybe – there's no way of us confirming through Patreon if Grandpa Comedy has passed away. But maybe if we start getting more Patreon subscriptions from – was it Little Miss Comedy?

Yes, it was Little Miss Comedy. Little Miss Comedy and Master Comedy. Yes. Maybe if they kind of start upping their donations, then that's the way of letting us know, oh, hang on, they're spending their inheritance from grandpa comedy. Right, right. So I guess we could kind of read between the lines there.

Okay. All right. Well, you know what? I really look forward to future weeks and finding out if anything like that happens. Hey, you know what? Me too. Yeah. I mean, if only I had the power to control that sort of thing

i would you know i would definitely make that happen it's interesting that you say you're looking forward to it imagine how i feel all right so patreon.com slash little dum-dum club uh if you would like to continue to support the show get on the go fund me you can find the link to that at little dum-dum club.com you You have very little time left to still get all the bonus content. And also the T-shirts and singlets that we've made racing off the shelves for the Koh Samui Podcast Festival. Look, it's about to be happening, but these shirts are timeless. They're going to look – you know when you see a guy wearing a big day out

1999 T-shirt and you think fuck that guy looks cool yeah it could be you yeah yeah yeah you can you can you can uh it can be a retro top as of next week yes it's like someone wearing a pac-man shirt you go who cares that it came out what 30 years ago that guy still looks cool he gets it and you know there's the of course there's the elephant the the wonderful illustration you've done of us riding an elephant that's the coast movie podcast festival uh t-shirt then there's the other, the wonderful illustration you've done of us riding an elephant. That's the Coastal Movie Podcast Festival t-shirt. Then there's the other one that doesn't really make reference to the festival anyway, which is the other dum-dum singlet.

So that is definitely timeless because there's no time on it. Yes, that is what timeless means. It is less of time. And it's the middle of winter in the Southern Hemisphere, so you need to expose those arms, so get on to that. But, you know, Christmas is just around the corner, guys. Yes. I mean, it's back around the corner like the 2016 one.

We're probably close to that corner to be fair, but still. Yeah. I wonder if you'll put those license plates on your car by the time we come around that corner. I've really got to do that. No, bring them to Samui. Okay. Guys, yes, this is exciting.

The next time you hear an episode of this show, we will be in Samui if you are listening to this on your way over there. We're looking forward to seeing you there. And look, I think I've mentioned this on social media, but this is like the David Lynch's fire walk with me to the new season of Twin Peaks. This is a good episode to get you into the Coastal Movie Podcast Festival episodes that are coming up.

So I think, you know, this is a, you're just not going to follow the Coastal Movie Podcast Festival if you don't hear this one. Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of, yeah. Everything in this episode is canon for the Coastal Movie Podcast Festival. So you need to be worded up.

So yes, enjoy this episode with Nick Capa and Brett Blake. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you so much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo and sitting next to me is the other half of the show, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. Now, you were just sizzling up. Something has happened at your room last night that you run, Basement Comedy.

Fuck, we're getting into this quick. Let's get our guests in. That's what I'm saying. I want to hear it, but both our guests were there last night. I'm excited to hear about this. I've been waiting for this for 12 hours now since you started hyping it up over Facebook chat. And then you said, this is amazing. And then I go, what happened?

And you go, I don't want to give you any details. So I really got led on a roller coaster there. First of all, joining us, you know him, he's been on the show a bunch of times, Nick Capa. Yay! And also making his debut on the show, you are about to see him at the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival, Brett Blake.

Yay! How are we? You are literally on the show because you booked a ticket to Koh Samui to be with us and we're like, fuck, we better get you on the show. Free guests for us. This is Thailand as if I'm not fucking coming. Yeah, I wish people could see you. You've got denim jacket, you've got big ginger beard.

Don't forget the mullet, baby. Big mullet. You're basically our substitute Nick Cody because he's starting to get too successful travelling too much. Work experience Nick Cody. Work experience Nick Cody. The Jetstar version of Nick Cody. Oh, yes.

Yes. Right. The Bogan version of Nick Cody. So, Nick Cody. I wonder why he walked in carrying a thick shake. No, you're just on the milkshake because you're the lesser version. Yeah, having a Nesquik instead. It's a home brand version of Nesquik.

I just want to say what happened to me just then. Okay. So, Brett Blake, you're coming. You're part of – if people are listening to this straight away, we are literally on the plane as you speak. We're going there together. You are – I'm probably blind as fuck right now.

Yeah, yeah. So that's you. But we're on our way right now. Now, Tommy, I think this is right. I can think I can speak for both of us. We've been probably exercising more than usual lately, I think this is right. I think I can speak for both of us. We've been probably exercising more than usual lately, I think. Because you're looking good. It looks like you've lost weight.

I really blew out over Comedy Festival. There was a lot of – there was a real exercise after the festival finished of breaking a lot of bad habits. So during Comedy Festival, you're doing a show every night, so dinner out every night. So one of your bad habits, you stopped doing comedy. It was hurting myself. It was hurting people around me.

It was making other people want to binge eat. I emotionally blew out. So that was, you know, that's just a given. Everything blew out except for the audience numbers. That light kept telling me to get off stage. That's blown. I'm flashing too much. You know, so you're going to be eating out every night

but enough about after the gig. I'm talking about on the way to the show. Real dinner for two. Yeah, you're having kind of shitty meals on the way to or from the gig or whatever. But I was also, I don't know why this started, then just getting up and getting on Uber Eats for lunch every day. What was I doing?

It's like you do it twice in a row and it's like, this is pretty cool. I just roll out of bed. You live in Fitzroy. I know. There's like 20 shops just two minutes down the road. I know. And I got hooked on a place that's literally down the road.

It's a block away. I'm just walking it to you. I know. Yeah. So that was the big thing was get out of the festival and stop behaving like a little cunt. Yeah, just walking to get your own food. Hunt.

Hunt. Hunt. Yes. Hunt together. Kill your own food from now on. That'll give you exercise. Yeah. But yeah, I've been.

Go down and kill a fucking burrito. Bring it back. But yeah, I was feeling, yeah, not very healthy. And then also, yeah, compounded by the fact that knowing that then at, what was it, five weeks time we were going to be around the pool, surrounded by our listeners. Exactly. The most fittest people in the world.

Yeah. But also the shittest blokes in the world. Yeah, yeah. So that's been me. I've been running every day. I've been going to the gym like every two days just going. And like my girlfriend's like, oh, what's with the, you know, the increase in exercise?

I'm like, just to look good for the festival. She's like, oh, what, is there going to be lots of girls there? I'm like, no, there's going to be lots of assholes there that are looking for any reason to fucking scream at me. And, yeah, some of them happen to be girls. Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. What about you guys? Just quickly, did you guys, you know,

how do you go with health over the comedy festival? Were you, you know? Oh, man, I'm just awful. Like I just eat everything because I think I'm rewarding myself. I'm like, man, you're working every night. You deserve it. But I only work a one hour. And by working, you're standing still.

Yeah, like covered in oil. So this is the thing about your solo show, was you did the show, was it the entire show, topless, covered in oil? Probably about the first 20 minutes. Yeah, and then I put a shirt on, but small shorts. Fuck, really? Honestly, like in stand-up comedy,

there's sort of a bit of a rule of thumb that you don't even have sort of a novelty shirt or anything to distract from the comedy. And you're topless, covered in oil it was that a fair distraction from your comedy um oh that's what i wanted to make it the challenge of oh you wanted you wanted a distraction from your comedy a comedy handicap it was a good it was a good fallback you know they don't like the jokes oh yeah the oil thing's still pretty funny yeah because that's not bad because i'm saying like what eventually got me to start you know giving a bit more of a

fuck about my fitness and my health was knowing that I was going to be topless around the pool and undoing the damage from Comedy Festival. But if you just make sure you're shirtless for your whole Comedy Festival, you're not saving it until the end. You're accountable during it as well. That's actually not a bad idea. Last year I had a show with my shirt off at the start

and there was no better way to rein in your behaviour than having to have your shirt off on stage. I can't have infinity beers this week. What is wrong with you two idiots? Why don't you just do a normal show where you have shirts on? Yeah, we just want to get the ladies in. And how's Blakey very subtly trying to call Capper out for being a hack? Like, I was getting my shirt off last year at the festival.

I had a big dick drawn on my chest as well, I don't want to brag. The funniest thing is it kind of tied in with the show. It was like Conan the Barbarian style show and I wanted to jump out like that. But one night I had to do the festival club. I saw that. And I was like, oh, fuck it. So a late night gig afterwards.

Yeah, late night gig. And there was ten comics. There was one girl on and one, I think, one ethnic guy. And then the rest was just eight white guys, right? So I just was like, fuck it. I'm just going to go out covered in oil in the little shorts. And I just didn't talk about it. And then about, I don't know, about four minutes in, I was like,

I'm sorry I'm covered in oil. This is what you've got to do when you have a line-up of ten white guys. My favourite part was when I was like, dude, how do you get that stuff off your skin every night? And you're like, it just evaporates. Like, I'm not sure that's how oil works. Yeah, what are your bed sheets like now? I took a shower every night.

Whoa. Bloody hell. I'm like a Howard Hughes over here. Hollywood. Fuck, festival's Going well for someone I don't even care About the water bill

So I've been for a run This morning already Wait around There's an oval Over the road From my place Doing a few laps

Now I had to Now I was running Right around the What is it The circumference The circumference Of the oval

Right around the fence Now there was someone someone exercising right near, just a couple of feet in from where I was, a lady doing Tai Chi. Now, someone doing Tai Chi with the full scimitar swords. Oh, wow. Now, is that even legal? Can you be going out like...

I'm running around and she's at like 8.30 in the morning doing a bit of swinging, big, massive head-cutting-off swords around. How is that a thing that you're allowed to do? Like if you start exercising holding fucking handguns. It's a bit of a jump. It's not that much of a jump. Swords. Just machine guns.

Yeah, you can't walk down the street with swords and she's like flailing them around and stuff at like 8.30 in the morning while I'm running. Like honestly, a couple of feet away from where I'm running and I'm running with my girlfriend

and she's going, should we stop running? I'm like, yeah, we should run somewhere else. Run away from it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you talking about?

There's something very, I think there's something more confronting about seeing a real sword than there is about seeing a real gun. Yeah. Something about a sword is a bit more, I don't know, a bit more confronting about seeing a real sword than there is about seeing a real gun. Something about a sword is a bit more, I don't know, a bit more confronting.

Sword is like next level psychopath walking down the street. I reckon that's what it is. Yeah, because it's crazier than gun. Guns seem like you've got to qualify to get a gun and stuff like that, whereas a sword is like anyone can grab one of them. You don't have to have a licence. You can just be afraid. Any of those weird tobacconists that just sell pipes, swords. Yeah, bongs. Yeah, bongs. Which is a good mix, can just be afraid. Any of those weird tobacconists that just sell pipes, swords. Yeah, bongs.

Yeah, bongs. Which is a good mix, bongs and swords. Nothing has ever gone bad with drugs and weapons. I can't think of anything. The sword's really been co-opted by sort of like MRA kind of culture, hasn't it? You think of it, this like ancient powerful weapon and now it's like the only people you hear talk about owning swords are like real fedora

wearing internet bros who have like a pristine collection of samurai swords that they polish every night. Next to their nunchucks. Yeah, exactly. Nunchucks and the other one. Nunchucks are sick. What is the practical application of nunchucks? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's a really – I just thought about that, why they would sell bongs and swords.

It's because if you're high and you're like, fuck it, man, how cool would it be to buy this sword? I want the one with the dragon on it. One of my favourite Guns N' Roses tribute acts, by the way, bongs and swords. That's not a bad idea. So you're saying like Off Your Tree, they should just be like a surplus store for every other shop, all the stuff they can't get rid of.

They just send it over to Off Your Tree because it's like people coming in here are fucked and they're more susceptible to buying shit that hasn't been able to sell anywhere else. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Man, I remember – Yeah, just shiny stuff.

Yeah. Just that type of demo of people going, oh, wouldn't that be cool to get? Yeah, just chuck all that shit in off your tree. Yeah. I remember I did a gig in Gosford once. Sorry to brag, guys, on the Central Coast. And the guy who ran the gig, he was like a tech and he had just like long hair and like a ponytail,

but like a weird ponytail. You know when you're like, oh, this guy's got some stories. And he did the tech. Yeah, like I did tech for this idiot who greased himself up one night. That's it, he sees Capowalk and he's like, here comes another yarn for the bank. But we did the We did the tech

Well we did the show And then After he turned the lights on Then goes Puts his belt on With a very large Hunting knife Attached to it

And just walked around With it Like Didn't have the hunting knife During the show And he was like Okay I've clocked off

Hunting knife time. Yeah, time to go fetch some dinner. Which is better than the alternative, which is he doesn't have it on, then he goes to tech your show and puts a hunting knife on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no, they're not going to like this in Gosford. Yeah, yeah, going to need the knife for Kappa. Yeah, that's getting the light is brutal enough, but getting the fucking katana being waved

above the tech desk. Sorry, guys, it fucking katana being waved above the deck... Sorry, guys, it's my time. I've got the scimitar. I'm impressed. I've never heard... I don't know that I've heard the word scimitar before. I've seen it written down, but I didn't know that's how you said it. Is scimitar the fancy one that goes backwards?

Yeah, the real hooked one. Yeah, yeah. Oh, really? Where would you even get one of those? I mean, I can understand like a ninja... You know those ninja samurai swords? They're pretty standard. It's pretty impractical, isn't it?

Yeah. Why do you need a curved one? Why do you need a... Scimitar. Sc pretty standard. It's pretty impractical, isn't it? Yeah. Why do you need a curved one? Scimitar. Scimitar. It's even fun to say, isn't it? Any sword experts? Hit us up on the Facebook page. No, that's good because I've been playing a bit of Zelda

and you get scimitars in that and it comes up on the screen. You've picked up a scimitar and I'm sitting there going, yeah, that's cool. I've now got a skimitar. Yeah, I'm powerful now. I can do some tai chi in this game so you've never seen this woman before you yeah i hope i never see her again but isn't relaxing like isn't it meant to be like breathing and shit and then she's just like how do i make this more fucking aggressive yeah yeah exactly it's supposed to be like you know chilled and

zen and whatever it's like yeah but imagine if i was being zen and cutting some cunt's head off maybe some of his like kids the day before were giving a shit like oh that's for pussy she's like yeah well now i got a scimitar yeah that's fair she's a tech in like bendigo well speaking about speaking about brett blake's coming to town i better get the swords how do we get this guy off the stage? Speaking about your comedy festival run, it reminds me of a show that I did this year. Now, I hope you guys know the reference to this. Speaking of you, that's reminded me of a story about myself.

Speaking of greasy boys. So I got hit up this year for a show and it was Sammy J's brother, Tim McMillan, and he hit me up going, look, my friend would love to come and see your show. Can he be on the door? It's the lead singer of Ugly Kid Joe. Yes, we've talked about this before. Yeah, we've talked about it.

So do you know what Ugly Kid Joe is? No, what's Ugly Kid Joe? You look like you should know what Ugly Kid Joe is. Yeah, you look like the guy on the cover of the album wearing the Statue of Liberty. Does the name give it away? Ugly Kid? No, I's Ugly Kid Joey? You look like you should know what Ugly Kid Joey is. Yeah, you look like the guy on the cover of the album wearing the Statue of Liberty. Does the name give it away? Ugly Kid? No, I don't know.

But it's like, you know what Ugly Kid Joey is, Kappa. Man, that is awesome. I had the tape. I thought, you know. America's Least Wanted. Yeah, yeah. Number one. Cats in the Cradle cover.

I love that. Yeah, they did that Cats in the Cradle cover that was big in like the early 90s. Early 90s, yeah. I remember my brother and I heard the original by Cat Stevens in a cafe and we were only young we were like 10 or something

we were like who's this old cunt singing I reckon that would be very common experience of people our age yeah I honestly thought

that was an original Blakey you really do look like their little character by the way there he is that's the cover of America's Least Wanted oh yeah that's pretty good

that's you oh yeah giving the bird of America's Least Wanted oh yeah that's pretty good that's you oh yeah giving the bird yeah America doesn't want him you gotta we gotta get the photoshop department

onto this ugly kid Blake Melbourne's Least Wanted brutal so what was the other song they did Cunts in the Cradle Cunts in the Cradle

what was the other song they did I Hate Everything About You and Won't You Be My Neighbour oh that's right fuck you love it great I loved it Cradle. Cunts in the Cradle. What was the other song they did? I Hate Everything About You? Yeah, and Won't You Be My Neighbor. Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fuck, you love it. Great. I loved it, yeah. I cannot believe you don't know them, Blakey. Anyway. Must be an extremely weird position to be a band where your most famous song is a cover. It's something you didn't even write. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I think they don't. Is it like heavy metal or something? No. Yeah. Like 90s kind of old Rocky kind of grunge. Still laughing at the cunts in the cradle. And the seal of the goon. It's sort of a bit, what would you call it, a bit offspring, sort of.

Kind of, yeah, definitely of that era. I had the CD only because there was a brief point where our local video store would rent CDs. And this was kind of around the time of like burners taking off. So I remember having a video shop, not a blockbuster but the version before, I remember them lending out CDs and just going wow, let's see how long this goes for

Yeah and someone discovered, oh you can just put this into a computer and just drag all the tracks onto your desktop and now you've just got the CD and very quickly they were like, yeah no more CDs now I love when video shops went down and they're just scraping at anything. Like mine turned into like a video shop slash boutique ice creamery. Just trying to sell anything besides.

My big one is bobbleheads. Once you see bobblehead figures popping up in a shop. You know they've got about three months left on the list. Because JB Hi-Fi have brought themselves back from the brink. They've got everything in there. They're a general store. I bought a heater from there the other day. They have food processes.

They have everything. As long as it's got a plug on it, I think that's their rule. Totally. But it used to be, I mean, even them selling video games is pretty recent. But there was a point five years ago where you noticed at the counter it was all like greeting cards and bobbleheads and you could just feel them going, we are fucked here. We are fucked.

What do they want? Bobbleheads. cards and bobbleheads and you could just feel them going, we are fucked here, we are fucked and then someone- What do they want? Bobbleheads. Yeah. We've got to get some of Granny May's customers in there. Exactly. Get some samurai swords in there. There's clearly a meeting where someone went, we've got to get stuff that people can't pirate

for free. Oh, yeah. Stuff that you can't torrent. You can't fucking illegally download a blender. Get that in here. So, Tim hits me up Ugly Kid Joe The lead singer

Would love to come And see your show I'm like Oh really Because I did meet him Very very briefly once Yeah he'd love to come And see your show

Okay done And then A couple of days later It's like Yeah he'd love to bring A friend I'm like Yep cool cool

Another couple of days later Yeah if he could bring Another couple of friends That'd be great Jesus Christ Alright well Does this mean the whole band's coming Or what's going on So then They I was like, yeah, if you could bring another couple of friends, that would be great. Jesus Christ. I'm like, all right, well, does this mean the whole band's coming or what's going on?

So then they – and I'm like, well, at least it's nice that the lead singer of Ugly Kid Joe wants to come and see my show. And also, always nice when you get these requests from people because it's like – it's not like you're at Hamer Hall and charging $130 a ticket. It's $20. $20. It's a lobster.

Like, come on. And it's one Ugly Kid Joe CD. Like's one ugly kid joe cd like he covered cat steven's song yeah he passed the money around yeah ugly kid that's how he does it he ripped off their song he's getting my song for another um he doesn't bring out duck sandwich next So I go At least he wants to come and see the show That's pretty cool So then He rocks up

Like he comes a bit early Comes in with his mates A little bit early I'm still setting up And I'm on the door Still fixing my stuff up He comes in and goes Yeah I've just

Hey mate I've just I've just come to pick up my tickets To the bloke who's doing the show in here I was like Yeah that's me You don't know me at all hey, mate, I've just come to pick up my tickets to the bloke who's doing the show in here. I was like, yeah, that's me. You don't know me at all. Like you're not wanting to come and see me at all.

That's weird that they can't relate. Surely they do the door at their own gigs as well. All the greats do that. It's like at least if I'm giving these tickets away, I'm thinking, oh, he wants to come and see me. He's a big fan, yeah. Tim McMillan, Sammy J's brother, has just gone, fuck, who can I get free tickets? Who will be struggling to fill their venue?

Who's got some free seats? Chandler. And so I bet this ugly kid Joe's just been given these tickets, going, you know, said, go in, you can go in for free. Just go and see one comedy, please. So he's come in not knowing what the fuck I am at all. Yours would be a baffling show for a first-time punter. Exactly.

Why the fuck is this cunt being yelled at the whole time? I know some third-time punters who have that thought. Yeah. Exactly. I've seen it ten times and I'm still confused. I think the guy doing it is the most confused of all. Yeah, totally. I think you got three jokes out, the one I went to.

It was brutal. So he ends up walking out at the end with all his mates and just sort of, and like he was utterly confused. He just walked out going. He wanted his money back. Yeah, yeah. I was on the door and he was almost coming out going, oh, yeah, that was okay, I guess, or whatever it is. Like, fuck.

My parents went to your show last year and they're very much not the demographic for what you're doing. And they said to me at the start of the festival this year, look, no offence to Carl, but we might give it a miss this year. Yeah, great. Is the old man known for just critiquing people as well after shows? Yes, unwarranted feedback. Yes.

Who was it with Catfish? He's just telling people, he goes, I thought you were on a bloody diet, mate. And he was just giving so much shit about eating. That was him. That was to Carl, yeah. Yeah, that one of you eating chips or something? I was like, oh, man, brutal.

No wonder we're so paranoid About exercising That's our own Fucking family members Doing that shit to us Yeah The funniest thing was My girlfriend was working

On the door for you guys Oh yes And then She I go How'd tonight go And she goes Oh it was great

Except Tommy's parents rocked up And they said They said that they were Tommy Dasolo's parents like three times. Dad said it to you three times. And then he started telling the crowd where to go. And then Tommy came out and said, mum and dad, piss off.

Yeah, look, none of that's false. So this is my question. Yeah, look, none of that's false. So this is my question. So you met through Tim McMillan, you met Ugly Kid Joe, what, like a year and a half ago? That's not his name, by the way. That's the name of the band. Sure. That's not him.

Forgive me for not knowing the guy's actual Christian name. And neither do I. Is he Australian? Well, this is my question. Why are they here so often? I think that guy lives here now. Okay. I think, yeah.

Because, so Tim McMillan, he's like in the band now, right? He's in the touring band, yeah. Right. Yeah. Fair enough. I mean, he's America's least wanted. He must have moved to Australia. Lucky Tim, he got in the band just at the right time.

Yeah. I wonder, so they're still playing shows? I get. I think they're one of those bands that are still big in Europe maybe. Yeah, okay. I'd never heard of them. I'd say they're a band that you can put on a festival line-up and enough people are going to go, oh, yeah.

That's Cats in the Cradle song. I've got to watch that. Yeah, yeah. You're like, who the, oh, yeah, yeah. You know those, they're not festivals. They're just, I yeah, yeah. Well, you know those, they're not festivals. They're just, I guess, shows. You know how like they're now promoting like 80s, like an 80s line-up.

And I don't know how the money works with it, but they'll put, you know, Aqua Plus. Yeah. Whoever else. Alien Ant Farm. Well, that's what I was about to say. There's a new one I saw coming out and it's like a real 90s. Oh, 90s like rock.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's Alien Ant Farm Plus. Oh, I would actually go for, that's another band that's just known for that one cover. Yes. Yeah, like rock. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Alien Ant Farm Plus. I would actually go for, that's another band that's just known for that one cover. Yes. You okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's sick.

Excellent cover, by the way. Thank you. No, no, not you. There. I hated that cover. Oh, really? I love the shit out of it. Alien Ant Farm Singer,

if you're listening, please come to my show next year. I will let you in. He had the reverse mohawk. I used to love the shit. So instead of up, it was shaved into his hair. I nearly beat the shit out of this kid on a tram when he said like, oh, man, listen to the – it was like me and my brother and the cats in the cradle

like this kid said on the tram. The Alien Ant Farm cover of, you know, what is it? Smooth Criminal. Smooth Criminal. Oh, man, Michael Jackson one is so bad. Oh, wow. Yeah, I reckon it's way better. I was like, that's a fucking kid.

I was going to throw him off the tram. I was like, you never say anything about the King of Pop, all right? I agree. This is a hell of a line-up. Yeah, Alien Ant Farm, Wheatus. Oh, Teenage Dirtbag. Yeah, Hoobastank. I know the name Hoobastank I know the name

Hoobastank But I couldn't tell you Any of their songs Crawling in the Dark Okay And CKY Oh CKY Can't Kill Yourself

Yeah It's Bear McGarrett's brother Yeah I thought CKY stands for Yeah Can't Kill Yourself That should be the official band Of the Little Dundum Club

That should be That should be the other name The West Gaties That should be the other name For the Costa Mui Podcast Festival. I thought the CKY was like the stunt dudes that were like the first version of Jackass. So did I. Yeah, they used to make, I think they used to make videos and stuff like that. It's like a crossover, yeah.

They were terrible musicians. Is it a bit of Jim's mowing sort of stuff? They just decided to have a go at everything. Yeah. No, it's Bam's brother who's in the band. Right. Ours would have to be CNY, just for legal differences. Camp Neck Yourself.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Camp Neck Yourself. And it's YA, not Y-O-U-R. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought it would be CWG, like Camp Westgate. Oh, yeah. Fuck, what if we did a – why don't we do a live podcast Under the Westgate That's not bad

Yeah That is so grim We've This is a weird sentence We've been down there To take some publicity photos Yeah yeah There's good little areas down there

Yeah Pretty quiet Pretty secluded If we got big enough That would be actually good Like instead of You know going to the race You know the

What is it called The race track Out in Did you just have a stroke Yeah yeah I was thinking race He is 70 You literally were going What's the word for race track Yeah what is it called? The racetrack out in... Did you just have a stroke? Yeah. I was thinking race... He is 70. You literally were going,

what's the word for racetrack? Yeah, but I was thinking racecourse. Is it a racecourse or a racetrack? Flemington. Flemington racecourse. Yes, Flemington. So that's where the big day out and stuff like that is. Yeah.

We should have... If we were going to do an outdoor festival, that would be under the West Coast. Yeah, that's pretty good. I love that's your dream. Like if we get big, we can do it under the West Coast. Yeah.

And hopefully someone jumps on it. Yeah, I was going to say, yeah, we get crushed. The biggest crowd surf ever. Just off the Westie. Just deal jumping off. Oh, I'm not catching that guy. We just hear from in the middle of the gig, we just hear from like, wow, that's it.

I've lost my job. My wife's left me. I've got nothing left to live for. I'm a fuck up. I'm going to end it all. Prove it. Prove it. No, I love it.

If there was like someone at our festival going, this is the shittest thing I've ever been to. I'm going to end it all prove it prove it no I love it if there was like someone at our festival going this is the shittest thing I've ever been to I'm going to kill myself fuck now I've got to climb all the way up there

getting an Uber from the bottom around up through Footscray or whatever it's actually a very effective way if you hate the festival that much

you want to kill yourself you'll be doing it whilst crushing the festival so we got to get into this last night you run a gig at the European Beer Cafe, the basement comedy club that's every Saturday evening in Melbourne. Yes, that's it.

You guys were both there. I'm the only one in this room who wasn't there. Look, it was just a full moon for idiots. Yes. Oh, man. You know what? We run a lot of midweek gigs. I've got a big hand in Spleen on Monday night.

You are Catfish on Tuesday. I've got Thursday at the European Beer Cafe. Oh Monday night. You are Catfish on Tuesday. I've got Thursday at the European Beer Cafe. Oh, you guys run gigs? Yeah. Fucking crazy. Where could I find? Hey guys, I am in need of a laugh. You'll get on one day, mate.

You're banned for life. So I think a mid-week audience is a lot different to a weekend audience. And that was definitely on display last night. Midweek, they're pretty nuanced. You know, it takes a lot of, you know, it takes a lot of kind of effort to kind of leave the house on a week. Most importantly.

You've really got to want to see something. Three years on a week, I think. Most importantly, you've got work in the morning. Yes. So you can't just write yourself off. Yes. Absolutely. It goes for doing a festival show as well, where you definitely notice midweek, you know,

you get to a Saturday and it's just, there's something to be said for the kind of person that just randomly tumbles into whatever's on on a Saturday night. Well, speaking of randomly tumbling, so,

so, this is, this is what happened last night. So, there's just a bunch, it was like a smorgasbord of fucking idiots last night.

So, these are all the little dot points of what happened. I do love these nights where it's never just like, oh, there's one thing over there that's a bit weird. It's like when it happens, it happens in just. Yeah.

It's spread across the venue. Oh, that's what I love about comedy. Like there's not just one thing fucked. There is just everything fucked. Everything's fucked. Last year I had a string of really good shows and I just had one night the air conditioning broke and then there was a baby in the audience

plus about 20 old people that weren't into it. None of that is weirder than you rocking up without a shirt on and oil all over your body, by the way. Yeah, thank God it wasn't this year. You're saying there's a baby and then there's 20 old people, so kind of the median age is kind of on point. And no air conditioning. And I was like, this is fucking great.

This is great. None of these things could happen individually. They will happen anyway. You don't have that in an accountant. If you're an accountant, you don't turn up to the firm one day and it's like, oh, there's a fucking baby over there. And it's on fire. But I do like that because we've got all these bad gig stories.

I wouldn't like to hear the bad accountant stories. Yeah, what's the equivalent? Oh, fuck. The other day I didn't carry the the bad accountant stories. What's the equivalent? Oh, fuck. The other day I didn't carry the two. Jesus Christ. What's the bad baker story? Bankers probably would have a few hold up stories. No, baker. Oh, baker. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they would have.

You always hear little stories about I was biting into a pie and there was a horseshoe in there or whatever it is. I remember I worked in a bank once and it was like, try to be a cool bank and it was like trying to be a cool bank. Like it was like, we're an online bank. Wear thongs, have some fun. Everything's with texters and butcher's paper, yeah.

And then the moment you set foot into the actual call centre, they're like, all right, if you fuck this up by one cent, you're going straight to jail. Straight to jail. Doesn't even know if it's one cent, right? But anyway, they used to just patronise you. You're better off just working at a grim place because you know it's work. Yes, totally.

They just kind of disguised it. And the best thing ever was once they had a onesie day. Oh, that's the worst. A onesie day at a bank. Yeah, and they just had... I would not trust them with my money. Yeah, yeah. They got no pockets to put it in.

You put it in the unicorn ear. Yeah. We're trusting your money with a person with your judgment. The judgment that decides to wear a fucking onesie. Yeah, yeah. Plus let Nick Capper work at Heaven. Yeah. That's the oiled up guy.

The best thing was they had this onesie day. Oh, you're just complaining because you had to wear something over your top? Yeah. I was very angry. They could wear thongs, but I was like, no shirt. That's just taking it too far, Kappa. What are your qualifications for a bank as well? Weren't you a pig farmer for a while?

Yeah. Makes no sense. Nah, get him in. He can wrestle a pig. Yeah, well, Flight Centre lets anybody in. So I worked at Flight Centre for a while and they're like, oh, fuck. Yeah, but Flight Centre's not a fucking bank. It was a big leap.

I worked at a tram yard, a bank. I don't even trust you to be a Dolomite. Carry the yellow books. Oh, no. They're on fire. People like you are the reason they have to put those little chains on the pens in the bank. You get lost in that little queue thing that they put up. Oh, God, it's happening again.

A bloody roast. Yeah. But they had all the phones broke down and it was just chaos, right? And then they just had this 50-year-old guy yelling, all the systems are down. Everybody stay on the phones. Stay calm. But he was wearing a Shrek onesie.

Like this is the worst thing that could ever happen. You can just imagine him on the phone to like the NAB boss or whatever. The donkey, yeah. No, I will not do a video call. No reason. No reason. So the gig last night, dot point, the bullet points of what happened were there was a, what, 80-year-old guy?

An 80-year-old guy guy got drunk he was with his son his son had brought him out for the night telling people where to sit and giving them advice because I gotta be held accountable for that no no

so he gets in he starts yelling straight away pulls out his teeth as well that was my oh yeah yeah he's up the front he starts yelling honestly within

a minute starts yelling out stuff so already it's a bit weird who's hosting the gig uh comedian Ben Knight Ben Knight okay the best part was. So already it's a bit weird. Who's hosting the gig? Can we name Ben Knight? Ben Knight, okay. The best part was when Knighty was doing a bit of crowd work

and he goes to Ray, whatever the guy's name is. He goes, mate, based on what you've seen. Oh, no, no, yeah, this is great. Yeah, yeah. He goes, like he gets ten minutes in. He gets ten minutes in and he's been talking about everything and whatever and then he does a bit of crowd work, random crowd work, where he goes, you know, based on what you've heard so far,

what do you reckon I do for a living? And he goes, comedian. And Nighty's like, yeah, but what do I do during the day? Fucking nothing. That's on Nighty, though, to be fair. Totally. It's ridiculous. Totally.

He just opened himself up for a serve and Ray slayed him. But it wasn't a serve. It was just like, well, I've heard 10 minutes of jokes. Guys, what are one of my interests? Take a punt. Who wants to have a crack? Oh, man. That was.

At least he didn't say spoken word. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Performance art. So that same guy, very quickly after that, went up to get a drink. And it's basement comedy. He's got to reward himself for that, Ripper. Yeah. So we're in the basement.

For some reason, he decides to go upstairs, despite there being a licensed bar downstairs. Goes upstairs, goes to come down, and just goes, no, actually, I might go down face first. And goes, surfs down the stairs, but in slow motion, face. And look, the way he came down He goes Oh man this is going to hurt I better brace myself

I put my face in front of my arms And just goes Like a fucking dolphin Down the stairs If he had actual teeth That would be knocked out Yeah Yeah totally

Wait so hang on He didn't trip He very slowly Sort of Like it was a slow motion Hang on Again I'm playing the part of the listener here where I don't have any of this information

before. Is this the 80 year old man? Yes. And this is the same guy that said comedian. Yes. Right, okay. And took his teeth out. Took his teeth out and decided to throw himself down the stairs. I don't know if he decided to do it but he did it in such a slow way where you're like, dude don't you have control? You've got

plenty of time to pull yourself out of this one. No, you're still going and you're still going. What a legend. He refused to drop his beer. He's like, nah, I'm going down. Yeah. Yeah. So then he face first goes all the way down the stairs and he's just like, oh.

This is like those bits in the Jackass movie where Johnny Knoxville dresses up as the grandpa and just goes around doing fucked stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got his nut hanging out all the time. Classic Knoxville dresses up as the grandpa and just goes around doing fucked stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got his nut hanging out all the time. Classic Knoxville. So he does that. So we race over and we're picking him up going, are you all right, mate?

And he's just like, oh, I'm fucked. And then his son is over. Like his son hasn't noticed it happening. And it's been like a minute before the son notices. Someone finally, and we can't sort of tell him because we're picking up his dad. Someone finally taps him on the shoulder and goes, your dad's gone face first down the steps. And instead of racing over, he just puts his hand on his eyes

and goes, ah, fucking hell, not again. His son goes to me, he goes, sorry about that. My dad's a bit of an attention seeker. He'll do anything for a laugh. Throw himself downstairs. He's all about the craft. Yeah, that's it. He's gotten them with a bit of wordplay earlier on in the gig. Now he's got to Throw himself downstairs. He's all about the craft. Yeah, that's it.

He's gotten them with a bit of wordplay earlier on in the gig. Now he's got to bring physical comedy. He's moved on. He's gone to Goliad. He's studied all that shit. So there's that guy. There's that guy we're taking care of. There's another guy.

There's another old bloke that just tries to sneak in who just was doing everything he could to just go, no, no, I'm just here having a beer. I'm like, yeah, it's in a comedy show. It's been happening to you a lot lately. A lot of sneakings in attempts happening at the old. I want to fucking kill them. I want to kill them. He's like, yeah, just let me.

He's doing everything he can to just stay there. I'm like, mate, just pay the money and you can be here. It's a comedy show. You don't do this at the cinema. And he goes, oh, no, no, all right. Well, just look. Just let me finish my beer. I look over.

He's just bought himself a full pint. Like, that will be the rest of the show for you, mate. You'll just be sitting there. German I look over he's just bought himself a full pint like that will be the rest of the show yeah yeah yeah German beer cafes he's got a stein yeah yeah yeah this could take a while

yeah so I'm like no fuck off so I had to I had to fucking argue with him to kick him out anyway so then the next two people people are yelling out all night

it's just one of these full moon nights so these guys at the back are just screaming out like Ben Knight is MC he's just this guy's yelling take off your top it's like it's not the nick kappa show mate so all right put it back on it's yeah so he's just screaming all night and i'm like oh fuck man and he but

he's like laughing a lot so i'm like i'll let him go but then he'll scream again i'll go up to anyway so i eventually go up to him and he's yelling out and i go mate just if you can just just calm down a little bit. And he goes, what? Am I not allowed to fucking yell out at a comedy show? I'm like, yes. That's exactly it. That is the rule.

I love how you said you calmly went up to him. I can't imagine you calmly doing anything. Like, look, mate, I will fucking kill you. The way you reenacted what you said, I'm like, there's no way that's how it happened. I threw pedals up to him as I was walking up to him. It did, but it did end with this. I go, mate, if you can just calm down a bit.

He goes, why am I not allowed to yell at a fucking comedy show? I said, do not fucking test me, mate. That's what, well, this is funny you say this, and I love that you guys pulled Carl up on this story because Oliver Clark and I were watching you walk over and accost this guy. Like, not accost him, but just like, you know, O.C. is just like soul to the earth guy. He would have just gone, hey, guys, yeah, just chill out, you know,

a bit of a smile. Carl walks up like the Terminator. It's like Arnie when he first walks into the bar and you start a Terminator 2. It's like, shut up. Straight after that incident, the bouncer walked up to him and in my head, the bouncer told Carl to calm down. Like, mate, if you behave like that again, I'm going to have to kick you out.

That's right, the Terminator, I need your clothes and for you to stop being a cunt. Kappa, I need you... I don't need your shirt. You don't have one. Some wonderful Arnie's just there. Some great Arnie's. Carl. Some great Arnie's. Carl's Arnie. Where's the Ginlay

when you need it? So, so that happens, right? The guy, obviously, for the next 10 minutes, this guy just stews on it.

Like, there's three of them together. This guy's just stewing on it. Then they walk out with five minutes to go and the guy just comes up and goes, what did you fucking say

to me, mate? I said, I said, fucking shut up. And so he, and the other people are trying to drag him away from me and he's going, nah, fucking what did you say? And then because there's some sort of skirmish, then the bloke with the mullet goes, oh, I've got to be fucking part of this.

Mate, you've got to get in there. I had a few froths under the belt. I was helping a mate out. I went up there and he's like, I'll fucking take you outside. Yeah, we didn't mention this, but you're working on a thing in Queensland at the moment. You've come back to Melbourne for 24 hours. You want to make the most of your time back in town.

Mate, I want to get a fight in. I want a few beers. Can't do that in Queensland. No. At the end of the night, this whole story's been boiled down by someone else. I remember when Blakey was trying to fight this guy up the stairs. I was like, no, that's not what happened. That was just a little bit.

Well, that's what did happen. Yeah, yeah. So then he was like being just absolutely torn back in the end. Like he's wanting to fight both of us in the stairs. I was like, no, that's not what happened. That was just a little bit. Well, that's what did happen. Yeah, yeah. So then he was like being just absolutely torn back in the end. Like he's wanting to fight both of us in the end. And then it's like someone goes, who were those people? And I'm like, this is who these people were. They come in at the start of the night to say to me, oh, we work at this bar down the street.

We want you to run a comedy night for us from now on. And then that's how they behave. They end up wanting to fight me by the end of the night. Yeah, great. Yeah, so immediately let's run that. So you taking bookings yet? Got any hosting spots coming up? Yeah, yeah.

I do it for a real cheap rate. So there's that. Then. Oh, there's more. Yeah. Oh, no, it doesn't stop now. And this fight happened while I was on stage, right? This is what happened.

Oh, did it? Yeah. So I got on there and I'm just like, Carl, just look, look, please just do, you know, do any, just do what you know what works. No shirt, no weird shit. All right? You know what I mean? You do need to be told that sometimes.

Yeah, yeah. And I'm like, cool, that's good. I understand. In Cap's mind, he goes, all right, I'll do the story about the 69 and the machine gun. I like it because I felt sorry for you, man. You were having the worst night and you just weren't having a bar of anything. So I thought I'd lighten the mood for Carl. I was like, hey, man, can I open with this joke?

If John Lennon had a girlfriend and she had a heart condition, what would her name be? I was like, Stroko Ono. And Carl did not laugh at it. I think my answer was absolutely not. Yeah, because last time you did My Room Catfish Comedy, I did not give you that directive and you opened by, you walk through the crowd and you get onto the stage and you go,

sorry for just making all the women in the crowd have an orgasm as I walked past them just then. A wonderful way to start a comedy performance. So the last bunch of idiots last night were someone hit me up midweek, producer for an ABC TV show saying, can I come down and film something next week and bring a comedian down and film something next week at your show? I'm like, yeah, sure.

And they said, can I come down this week and watch, you know, basically get on the door, watch for nothing, pull a bit of an ugly kid Joe, bring some other people down. I'm like, sure, come down. No worries. Check out the room, whatever. So they're in for absolutely nothing for free. They're relying on me to do them a favour next week.

So what do they do mid-show? I start to do a bit of yelling out as well. Oh, someone who works for the ABC. Yeah. Unbelievable stuff. Oh, man, you couldn't write it better. On the free ticket, coming down for me to do a bit of yelling out as well. Oh, someone who works for the ABC. Yeah. Unbelievable stuff. Oh, man, you couldn't write it better. On the free ticket, coming down for me to do a favour next week, they start yelling out.

Our taxpayer dollars paying for the grog that they've drunk forced them to start yelling out. So they took umbrage with something that someone said and started having a bit of a go. Channel 7's better. Yeah, yeah. Having a bit of a go, the yelling out, whatever, and then they end up walking out

about five minutes early and they come up to me and go, oh, thanks for having us. I go, yeah, great. But they're yelling at another guy who was on the ABC.

Exactly, yes. Yes. They're like, oh, yeah, this is what, he's on the ABC. Yeah. This is your club, mate.

Yeah. No loyalty to the ABC. It's savage in there. Yeah, so they your club, mate. Yeah. No loyalty to the ABC. It's savage in there. Yeah. So they come up and say, yeah, thanks for that. And because I'm having a – because like Kappa said, I'm having a shit when I'm like, oh, fucking it, just another spot fire to have to put out.

And they come up and say thanks and I go, yeah, good. And so then they walk out. They then double back five minutes later. The bouncer comes up to me and goes oh that pair that those two people that walked out before they've come back in the back way and can you come and talk to them they've got a complaint and i go up and they go oh yeah thanks for having us again i go yeah you said that five minutes ago and they're like yeah so we all could cool to come back and like record stuff next week and i go yeah as long as you don't yell out during the show next week.

And they go, oh, I would never do that. I mean, you fucking just did. Stop you chucking that never word around. Can I just say, while all this is going on, I was at home getting drunk and watching the Fat Pizza movie. It sounds like it would have been a pretty similar viewing experience down in the European. I go, they said, I would never do that.

You're like, who are you? Like Guy Pearce from Memento? It's just photos of them being cunts. Pull back her sleeve and it's got tattooed on her arm. Don't yell. I should have wore a sleeveless top. So I can't wait for them to come and record something for ABC next week and for me to go, this is shit.

So that's it? Yeah. Sorry, that's all that happened last night. I thought we'd reached the end of it. I just wanted to make sure we've gotten to the very end. Yeah, no, that was it, I think. Apart from Kappa's performance, that was the only weird things that happened last night.

Actually, I thought I'd be reliable, right, which is a big step for me. I had to really rein myself in. Plus I hosted a drunk show beforehand. Yeah. And I had a few beers. Would have been nice to know before that, but anyway. A few Aldi large cans of beer.

You know those big tall ones? You're like no good beer comes in a tall can. Yes. Like this is strictly value for money. $7.50 a mil. Yeah. Yeah. And anyway, so it's going well.

The set's going great. And then Carl decides to have a fight midway through and just ruin my set. You know what I mean? He just doesn't want me to do good at all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was getting bored. I just thought I'd pick someone. It's a to do good at all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was getting bored. I just thought I'd pick someone.

It's a good distraction from cabin gear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So let's talk a bit about, yeah, we mentioned this earlier, but yeah, the day that this comes out, this is it. If you are coming to

the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival, hopefully you are listening to this episode on the plane. Yeah. If you're listening to it anywhere from not on the plane, you're going to have to get really quickly to an airport right now. Yeah, hey, you know what? If you listen to this on the plane, if you're listening to it anywhere not on the plane, you're going to have to get really quickly to an airport right now.

Yeah, hey, you know what? If you're listening to this on the plane, if you're coming with us, if you're on the same flight as us at this point, come up to my seat and say g'day. Just let us know that you're listening to it. So, Blakey, yes. This is like a wake-up call for people that have forgotten to get their flight that day.

Can someone get me a beer? Yeah. Whoever's listening, go get me a beer. I think I'm in seat 52D, I think. I'm looking at seats. I'm going to try and – are you sitting next to your missus or something? Yeah. But that's fine.

I don't want to be a third wheel. Boring. All right, where's all the – You're going to be like the 25th wheel, I think, on this flight, by the way. No, she's met you because you're in a maxi bon out at the moment. Yeah. I'm a cream boy. Yeah, I'd never seen this before,

but they have the screens that they have at some petrol pumps. Yeah. And so we were filling up petrol on the way back from Golden Plains. It's just me fake orgasming. Yeah, and she goes, look, it's your little friend. And I look up and there's Blakey on the petrol pump. Yeah, wearing like female. I'm always in girl outfits.

Like it's real footy show humour. It's real good. Always got a wig on. Oh, look at these guys dressing me up like an idiot, says the guy in the mullet. Real footy show humour. Yeah, I wonder why they got you for that. We didn't make you put that mullet on for this podcast, by the way. This is your choice.

So, yeah, so this is what happened. We organised all this. We started talking about it. And you just get a whiff of there being a piss-up in some places. Mate, I heard there was a few for Oscar and I was like, let's do this. This is great. I've been to Bali ten times.

I thought I'd really branch out and go to Thailand with you guys. I want to get a different cultural experience. Yeah, this is like the Europe of Bali. Oh, shit, beer's a 10 cents more expensive over here. I'm never coming back. It's just so different over here. It's a different culture to get pissed in. Yeah.

It's a different Australian bar I have to go to overseas. It's actually, yeah, yeah, exactly. There is fewer Australians in Thailand, so it's going to be nice for you. They're not going to know what's hit them. It's very continental. Just Blakey drunk on a scooter. Fucking yes. You know what I'm looking forward to?

I'm looking, I'm going to, I never do, yeah, when I went to Bali, I only got one, but I think I'm going to go each day, get a massage. I'm really going to go in on the massages. Every day I get one. Every day. You wake up, I'll be there. You go straight there and it's just the best. Yeah, because I got a massage recently, like right after the comedy festival,

I went and got one and we talk on the show a lot about the stress of having to make small talk when you get a haircut and how brutal it is. So I go into the massage and I'm like, the thing that will be best about this is it's an hour of silence, no chit-chat, no small talk. So I'm in the waiting room and you have to fill out the form of like,

you know, what you want them to work on and, you know, any whatever, medical conditions or whatever. And there's a little section there that says occupation. And I go, oh, fuck, here we go. And so, you know. Were you getting a massage halfway through customs? A masseuse would love cab where he comes pre-greased. He's trying to knock a bit off the price.

Come on, you're saving money. 20% off, I'm already oiled. Yeah, and they're like, they're like, oh, you're already greased up, and he's like, no, I'm not, that all evaporated, that's gone. And so, yeah, you know, she's got the music on, and it, you know, it sort of starts up, and she's like, oh, so you want me to,

you want me to kind of work pretty hard on the shoulders and stuff? I'm like, yeah, I kind of carry a lot of, like, you know, tension around that, it feels really tight. Yeah, holding a microphone for an hour. So she starts in, and I'm like and and you know i'm just like i kind of i sort of sense that it was coming in like two minutes in so what kind of writing do you do oh god and then it just it's just it's constant like she's talking to me about like oh so you get a lot of you get a lot of tension in this in this bit dude i'm like yeah yeah and i'm trying to be

like you know polite and answer, but also just give one word answers. And she's like, oh, because, you know, that can be related to like thyroid stuff. And, you know, what's good for thyroid is like if you eat lots of mushrooms, like mushrooms are really – and I'm like, I can shut this down. I go, I don't like mushrooms. I don't really eat them.

And she goes – I can tell. I'm not a fan of vegetables. Just back massaging all your fat i've had to get three other people in here if you haven't noticed one of them got lost like we need more oil send capper in meanwhile i'm on my phone does uber eats come up here or um but yeah so i think i've nipped that in the bud and she's like well you can actually prepare mushrooms in a lot of different ways so that they don't like fucking

hell and it's just at one point she's telling me about how her son went to japan and then it stops for 10 minutes like we're halfway through by this point it just has not been relaxing at all and by the way she's you know she's like i've asked her to just go my neck and shoulders as hard as she can so she's asking me questions and you know like i can't really answer because she's like basically choking me. So I'm like, yeah, I did the comedy festival. That was good. And then it dies off for ten minutes and I'm like, okay, finally,

a bit of peace. And then just out of nowhere she goes, so would you consider yourself to be a bit of a night owl? Like what the fuck? Now she's just – it's like a bad first date where she's just now she's throwing anything out to just get it going it's like there's music play i've paid for you to not say anything yeah oh any chance of getting me free tickets to carl chandler's show fuck that is no but you're completely correct like you're wanting to relax that's what a

massage is how are you relaxed and having a conversation exactly you're supposed to chew now yeah exactly exactly so i just was like you know what i already was looking forward to yeah the the affordability of being able to get massages every day and i'm and now i'm going you know what not to you know this might sound whatever but that language barrier i mean that's going to be my greatest friend yeah yeah five days or the worst you're just trying to make like, what did you say? Yeah, yeah. I don't think I've said this before but my girlfriend's sisters went to Koh Samui about a year or so ago

and they asked for recommendations for a massage and I said, oh, my favourite masseuse is this lady at this resort. So go there. And then my girlfriend's sister was like, oh yeah, we went there's sister was like, oh, yeah, we went there and I was like, oh, remember Carl? And she's like, yes.

And she's like, oh, because he's a comedian. And she's like, oh, yes, he's very funny, very funny. And I'm like, yeah, and she was believing the whole thing going, oh, she remembered you and she said you're so hilarious. I did not say a word. She's just saying yes to whatever you say. That's why Carl chandler's comedy's the best when he's quiet yeah yeah yeah yeah very slapstick massage that was very funny i just headphone it every time like if i if i want to avoid like man on the uber on the way here i just like thank you but i just don't give a fuck

oh i can't bring myself to do it just whack my headphones in i'm like sorry and then i make it awkward and they're like oh we won't they don't really want to talk I can't bring myself to do it. Just whack my headphones in and I'm like, sorry, and then I make it awkward and they're like, oh, we won't talk. They don't really want to talk to you. They're just bored so you whack it in and they can just, you know, just say shit about you when you've got your headphones on. Well, I was in an Uber recently with a couple of friends and we were trading stories about our friend Nick Capper. Specifically, it was someone who doesn't listen to this

and I was telling them the stories that you told the last time that you were on our live episode at the comedy festival, which people should go back and listen to if they haven't heard because it's very good. And the driver, you know, I'm telling the story about you in the sex shop and we're basically just going, oh yeah, Kappa, fucking classic Kappa, he's done this. And the driver goes, wait, so he's doing all this

in the little shorts? We're like, no, no, our friend Nick Kapper, he's a guy that we do comedy with. Oh, he thought you meant Warwick Capper. Yeah, he thought we meant Warwick. Oh, great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He genuinely thought we were just sitting in the back gasbagging about Warwick Capper.

So then we get to the end of the drive and he goes, what was that guy's name again? And I go, Nick Capper. And he writes the name down. I think he's going to come look you up. That guy should send us a message. The funniest thing I had from the ones at that live show, the dumb live show, this guy walks up to me and he goes,

hey, mate, I know where you live. He followed the grease trail. He just followed all the laughs. You know what I mean? It's just non-stop laughs. Hansel and Gretel on dumb cunts. I know where you live.

A bin. Any bin. But he said because one night I was walking back and I thought I saw I thought I saw A comedian

but it was just you. Yes. Roast him. Bloody hell. Not again. I thought I saw a man. He hadn't hit the woman yet, but I thought. What?

What? I thought this man might assault this woman, you know, at the front of my house. You do give that vibe. I was like, oh, no, like this is no good. Oh, wait, you saw this happen? I saw, well, yeah, I saw this happen. Oh, I thought this was him telling this story.

Oh, no, no, sorry, I should have clarified. Yeah, you really should have. No, but this is what I thought I saw. Yeah, and I was looking out the window and I was like, oh, no, this could happen any minute, you know, like, you know what I mean? There's a fair bit of arguing. He seemed kind of aggressive. I was looking out the window And I was like Oh no This could happen any minute You know Like You know what I mean There's a fair bit of arguing

He seemed kind of aggressive Yeah And then I So I called the police And the policeman came And They You know

They went walking down this alley This couple And I said to the policeman Hey man They went walking down there You know Like And the policeman

He was looking at me real weird and i don't know why right i got some guesses and then short shorts anyway drove off um they came in like one minute and they were so cool you know they came back um anyway then this bloke walks up to me a dumb dumb wife show and he goes yeah mate um i know where you live i was a policeman who helped you out with that assault that night oh wow and he goes, yeah, mate, I know where you live. I was a policeman who helped you out with that assault that night. Oh, wow. And he goes, yeah, it was fine. The girl was cheating on the guy and they were talking about it.

Oh, he's got into the gossip element of it. Yeah, and he's like – and he was with his partner that he was doing the beat with or whatever and he's like, I don't know any cop lingo, all right? 10-4, good buddy. And he said, yeah, man, I recognised you and I was going to say, hey, good podcast, but I thought it might not be good. And I was like, yes, yes. I like the idea that the cop just comes up to you and a group of people

and you're like, oh, I remember you from that domestic violence. I really thought it was going to be the guy who was with the girl. It was like, I remember you. You fucking ratted me out to the cops. Yeah, it was the cop. But the funniest thing would have been if he answered the call because if he's a fan of the podcast, it's like, hi, it's Nick Capp. Do you always state your full name as soon as you call up the cops?

Hello, Nick speaking. They know me down there. Yeah, surely they'd have your number on speed dial or something. I remember once my mate was in – I was with a Norwegian mate in Thailand. Right. And he got a massage and then he – you know, the lady said, would you like me to finish you off? Mm-hmm.

And he said, oh, okay. Went in Rome. Or Thailand. He got the hand job. Oh, that's what you meant. Right. I thought you meant Mortal Kombat finish him off.

When are you going to call the cops about this, you fucking nut? And so, we're walking around Bangkok and he started to get really nervous because we were a bit lost. And I was like, what, were you nervous? He goes, oh, that place where I got the hand job is around here and I just don't want to walk past the place.

And so Murphy's Law. We end up lost and we end up walking past the place and all the girls are out in the front and then they all just start making gestures of how big his cock is. Hey, big boy. At least they weren't like, hey. They started calling him Superman. They started calling him slossage.

Wait, and he didn't want this to happen? How embarrassing. Big old dick. Worst holiday ever. I'll just check in next door. That's a laundromat. Fuck it. I'm still sleeping there.

I had a similar one, not a big dick, but I had a similar one where I was getting, I was in Bali. We're giving a bloke a handjob. Ah, yeah. Got it.

Imagine. Imagine that. Because I got a pussy hot shirt last time I was in Bali, and Tommy messaged me going like, dude, you've got to get me one of those ones. This is a fucking funny thing. What does it say? So instead of pizza-hot, it's pussy-hot.

We're really breaking this joke down, aren't we? Yeah. Behind the actors' studio. It's good you clarified that because someone at home would have just gone, what's so funny about a shirt that just says pussy-hot? I get it now. No, you gave it to me as a present at my 30th You came and presented it to me in front of my parents

Who were like, what's on the shirt? I'm like, oh, it's just a white shirt I was like, wear it Tommy, wear it And Tommy's dad was like, oh, you get in line I'm Tommy Dasolo's dad I'm Pussyhut senior When I went to get that shirt Because it was hard to find But I was walking up and down the street And then I was like, hey I was going to the guys When I went to get that shirt, like because it was hard to find,

but I was walking up and down the street and then I was like, hey, I was going to the guys, I was like, hey, man, I need the shirt that says pussy hot. And then the guy's like, oh. And then I went to like five shops. And then he gave you a handjob. And then on the way back, I was just walking down the street and everyone was like, it's the guy who's looking for pussy.

I'm like, no, no, no. And I'm just trying to put my head down, hide my muscles so they can't recognise me. I do love it that the street vendors over there, they just need something on you and they'll just yell at you nonstop. I always go over there and I'll buy a bootleg Liverpool shirt and it'll just be, I'll just walk down the street, it's just people from fucking the suburb away going, Liverpool!

It's Liverpool! They love roasting you. Like, I was like, this will be funny. I'll take a photo with this big black penis that's a bottle opener, right? So I'll go, I do get a photo with that. Oh, you can't get away with anything in Thailand. Yeah. And then a dude jumps in with a sign that says, I fuck retarded amputee midgets.

And I was like, oh, this is brutal. I know. They just slay you so bad. Yeah. It's awful. What am I going to get? What do you think I'm going to get roasted back down the shops? Depends what you wear, I guess.

We'll find out. Well, the thing is, if we go over there and we're all wearing, you know, the merch, which, you know, I think is probably a thing that's going to happen. I guess we're all getting like the singlets or the t-shirts. I think they're just going to go, they're just going to have to yell elephant or. Well, you're always interested in me being at music festivals and dressing like an utter fuckwit.

And let me tell you, I've got some treats lined up for survival. Hey, you're going to my hometown. Don't make me look like an idiot, all right? Don't embarrass me. You're bringing all the dumb, dumb dudes just over, just destroying your one place, your tranquil paradise. You know what I mean? I know.

Just going, oh, we're not letting this guy back. They paved paradise and they put up a parking lot. Just a bunch of guys just yelling cunt all day. I've got to try and find another. I want to get a collection of fucked. Like the Pussy Hut shirt is so great. Oh, it's great. That's why I put on so much weight during the festival.

Eating Pussy Hut too much. Too many garlic breads. It's the works. They try and fill you up on bread. That's how they get you. The first time I went there was 10 years ago or something like that or and um they just had you know those shirts that like were really cool that they you know like like they ripped off the internet would have like gangsters in a car underneath a car hood and it was like boys in the hood yeah yeah yeah you know what i mean or it had

like the apple ipod symbol but they were sitting on a toilet. Yes. And I pooed. Yes. Yeah, yeah. A bit of McShit. Based on the merch on like in a Bali shop, you can just tell like the actual people there that they go there. Like there's one shop that's just got different – like Davo's gay. Phil's gay. It's just like a whole street of just like this guy's a cunt. You know what I mean?

Like some good stuff. Like, this guy's a cunt. You know what I mean? Like, it's some good stuff. I think there's nothing sadder than seeing, like, a 50-year-old Caucasian tourist, like, man. I'm right here, mate. A fat old one.

With an eye-pooed shirt on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's brutal. Holding hands with a Thai woman. Yeah, that's brutal. We've got a big enough group of us that's going to be in Samui. We could influence fashion on that island. Like, you know what I mean? We could dictate what they're going to be selling in the shops in a month's time. Fuck've got a big enough group of us that's going to be in Samui. We could influence fashion on that island. You know what I mean? We could dictate what they're going to be selling in the shops in a month's time.

Fuck, you know what? If we are all wearing our merch, if there's a hundred of us wearing our merch, those guys are going to see that and go, fuck, that's the new trend this year. That's the new thing, yeah. Let's go and make rip-off pirate versions of dum-dum shirts. Yeah, that's not bad. I'll send them the artwork. Fuck.

That would be amazing. Carl Fuck. That would be amazing. Carl Superman. That would be amazing. Fuck. Fuck. That would be very funny. It would be funny to send them the artwork, but we've redone it and we've made one thing wrong about it.

No, I want them to do their version of it. Yeah, okay. Their shitty drawing. Yeah. There's a lot of threadless knock-offs over there. There's always a new fashion over there. A couple of years ago it was the Beats headphones. So we'll have to check out what the new version is.

What would it be? What's the new knock-off item? What's something you want to knock off at the moment? I remember my... That little whizzy thing. Oh, fidget spinners. Yeah, they're going to be everywhere. Fidget spinners, everywhere Oh they'll be everywhere

Yeah What are they? What does it do? Does it just spin? They were They originally were designed I sort of started seeing them Talked about like a couple of months ago

Like their Their main thing was For people with like anxiety Or ADHD They're like stress balls Yeah And then all of a sudden They've just become like

The new hacky sack Where you can buy them Fucking everywhere And people are obsessed with them Kids at the train station Just flicking this thing around I was like oh They'll love it It's a very weird thing That's taken off Oh yeah That'll be all over Thailand Sacky sack where you can buy them fucking everywhere. And you still sort of obsess with them. Kids at the train station just flicking this thing around. I was like, oh, they'll love it.

They'll love it. It's a very weird thing that's taken off. Oh, yeah, they'll be all over Thailand. I remember my mate from Gundawindi, right, never been outside of Gundawindi. And then he went, I told him and his wife they should go to Thailand on their honeymoon. And, like, he said, oh, why don't you and my brother come along as well? So we went along with him on his honeymoon.

I thought I was the third wheel. It sounds like a big old cuck honeymoon. And I remember when we first got him to Bangkok, he just thought it was like paradise, like all those crazy shirts and stuff. He was just like, this is nuts. Oh, he's loving all the shit jokes he's heard. What do you mean it's a dollar?

Oh, my God. Seven pussy huts, please. Well, that'll be the thing, one at fidget spinners but with fucked stuff written on them. You know, like a fidget spinner that says, like, I am gay or something like that. There you go, mate. Get your anxiety relieved with this. Have one of these fuck spinners that we have. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, I think that's just about all the time we have for the Little Dunlop Club this week. We've done already. We can keep going if you want, but... Oh, I was just thinking, well, Blakey, what's your plans for, you know, you're coming over here. We've managed to squeeze you on just in time.

So basically we're really hoping that everyone that comes to Koh Samui is listening to this episode straight away so that when they come to the live shows in Koh Samui they don't go, who the fuck is that guy next to Dil, Ballard and Cody? Who looks like Cody. Jet star Cody. Yeah, it's like, did someone get

Cody wet after midnight? Oh man. So what are you looking to get out of the Costa Mui podcast festival? Oh, man, I just wanted to come with the boys and have a few beers. There's quad biking going on. I don't know. I just want to be amongst it, you know? Culture.

Mostly the culture. Just really embrace that Thai culture. You know how they love quad biking and smashing beers? Yeah, and pussy hut t-shirts. Pussy hut t-shirts. Totally. I just love a holiday and getting drunk. Hey, mate, you're working. You're part of a podcast festival, all right? Yeah. Sorry, and pussy hut t-shirts. Pussy hut t-shirts. Totally. I just love a holiday and getting drunk. Hey, mate, you're working.

You're part of a podcast festival, all right? Yeah, I'm sorry. I'll behave myself. Be responsible, please. That's not going to happen. Hey, for visa issues, no, he's not. I mean, it's just a coincidence. For insurance reasons, it's just a coincidence we're all there in the same place at the same time.

Yes, yes. Fucking hell. Cody, I mean, Cody. Kappa, Kappa. Now, this would be killing you. You're missing out, surely. Cody, I mean, Cody. Kappa, Kappa. This would be killing you. You're missing out, surely. Yeah, yeah. I should elaborate, actually.

This is my only other Thailand story I have, was that my mate that I went on the honeymoon with, right, we went to Koh Phangan, which is near you guys, near Koh Samui. The next island over. And a lot of those islands are run by the mafia. Yeah. Kotao and Kofun Yang, yeah, yeah. Yeah, like there's a lot of mafia presence there.

But they're not like animals, you know what I mean? Like they want the tourists to come back, so they take care of it. Anyway, my – There's a different police over there. There's two different police. There's the police and the tourist police, which I'm always fascinated by. Yeah, yeah. It's really…

Anyway, my mate found out this the hard way because we hide these scooters and we drink about. Because they have those buckets, right? And we were drinking them like schooners, like just drinking buckets of vodka with, you know. Methylated spirits, yes. He was off his chops and he rode back, had a head-on collision with a truck full of guys, like when he was on his scooter.

And anyway, they were like, fair enough. They were like, look, you've damaged our truck. With your face. And he had like, I think he had a broken leg or he definitely had a big hole in his leg. But they walked him to an ATM, got the most money out. Like he could get out, right? And then they said, come back at this place tomorrow.

I think it was an address or something like that they gave him and pay him more money. And anyway, he was staying in this resort at the time, this beautiful resort, right? And there was like these Thai people who ran the resort but then there was just one English guy who worked there and I think he just married his way kind of into the business and his name was Crazy Dave.

And he was just always on the – Crazy Dave's pussy heart. Super low, low prices. Oh, man, he was on the pingers nonstop. He was either on the pingers or coming down. Crazy Dave had left the UK and had started his own name in Thailand as Crazy Dave. Like every bushdoof you went to, Crazy Dave was there, you know.

And so my mate, and then he went to the hospital after and then the doctor said, you know, you're going to have to pay a larger amount, you know. Like, he paid a small amount or something like that and they fixed his leg up. And then he went back to the resort. And then he was like, fuck, I've got to pay all of this money, you know, to these guys. And anyway, the crazy Dave behind the desk said, oh, what happened to your leg, mate?

He told him the story. And he's like, now I've got to go back and pay this money. And he said, oh, no, man, it's cool. I'll put in a few calls. Just wait here, right? Gets on the phone, calls this guy. He said this fucking like black SUV pulls up, right? Yeah.

And this dude gets out in like a white suit and sunglasses. Like a full boss. Oakley wraparound. It's like a madman, right? Yeah. sunglasses like a ugly wraparound it's like a madman right yeah it says okay drive tell me where i've got to go to where these guys you owe money right goes to the house the the bloke goes wait here and my mate's just shit scared the bloke gets out walks into house, walks back out and he goes, you pay no more. Oh.

And then he goes, drive me to the doctor's. He drives him to the doctor's, goes there, walks in, walks back out and he goes, you pay no more. What? Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. You don't do that to the hospital though, do you? It's all right to do that to loan sharks or whatever, but the hospital need that money.

No, it was the doctor. It was like a private, it might have been a private practice or something like that. Right, right. Yeah, yeah. But basically, yeah, he was like a mafia boss. It was the Asian Tony Soprano. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he said that, yeah, like he said, look, you know, I mean, sure there's a bit of shit

he goes, but we want to look after the tourists so they come back. He said whenever there's people, you know, anyway, Crazy Dave's wife-in-law was, yes, mafioso as well. Fuck. So, yeah, he was like, no, no, no. And he was going, like the bloke was going off with my mate. He was like going, I can't believe they've taken advantage of you like this. And my mate's like, look, I had a head-on collision with a truck. I wasn't thinking straight.

We're like Did you hear any gunshots in the house or anything? He's like no maybe he used a silencer Or something like that Maybe he used a scimitar Did a bit of Tai Chi on their ass Well we might need to track down Crazy Dave Oh well I'm going to Copenhagen

After the Koh Samui podcast So I might have to get Crazy Dave's Number off Yeah and then It just ruined the rest of the honeymoon Penyang after the Kosa Mui podcast so I might have to get Crazy Dave's number off you. Oh man, yeah. And then it just ruined the rest of the honeymoon. He was just in an air-conditioned room with his leg on a chair and his wife was like

this is no good. Is this the same honeymoon from Bangkok? Or is this a different couple? No, it's the same one. I haven't been on two honeymoons. I'm no Brett Blake. All right. Well, that is going to be, yeah.

Is this the last one we'll do before we end over there? I guess if something comes up, we might do another one. But otherwise, the next time people will hear us, we'll be over there. It's exciting. Yeah. If you're listening to it, as soon as this comes out, we are on a plane headed there right now. Yeah, it's pretty exciting. Yeah. And you're listening to it, as soon as this comes out, we are on a plane headed there right now.

Yeah, it's pretty exciting. Yeah. And you know what? And on top of that, we will know by then, we talked about this a few weeks ago, but there was a couple that were putting it up in the air whether they were going to go there on their honeymoon or not. Yes.

That's cool. Yeah. Kappa can be the third wheel. Go ride a scooter. Yes. Yeah, you can be the Kappa. Go ride a scooter. Yes. Yeah, you can be the Kappa. Just make friends with Crazy Dave. So we're waiting right at the moment on finding out whether that couple are coming there,

using that as their honeymoon, which is very interesting to me. Yeah, they're 85. What a great start. Well, it's interesting that they might come. It's also interesting that the wedding itself, when we're recording this, is a week away and they still don't have honeymoon plans fully locked in. Yeah. That's the other interesting part.

And I've said to them, they've said, you're more than welcome to come to the wedding, to us. Yeah. And I've said, if you come to our thing, we'll come to your thing. Yeah, definitely. So we're going to make an appearance at the wedding if they're going to make an appearance at the podcast first. Yeah, yeah, definitely.

All right. Guys, thanks for listening. Cappy, you've got your own podcasts? Yes. You've got a couple out there in the ether. Highway to Nothing and Capperjack Reloaded 2000. Highway to Nothing is like, what, bad gig stories and stuff like that, isn't it? Yeah, it's on the road.

Yeah, like stories from the road. Yeah, a bunch of people from this show have been on it. Bad gig stories. How many episodes have you done? Oh, I think we've done... About 30, 40? Yeah, something like that. That'd be only about 10% of your bad kids.

Ah, there it is. Yeah, there we go. Yeah, that one loaded in the chamber. All right, all right. Yeah, Blakey. I just fattened that goose up very well, then. You see, I need to do this really quick. I work on a farm sometimes,

and the other day we walked past some ducks, right? Here we go. This lady, who's like an animal specialist, she said you're not meant to feed bread to ducks. It's not good for them. Right. Yeah, so there you go. You're trying to wreck my joke, you cunt.

That's why nobody laughed. Is that a rule in comedy? If Kappa finds a plot hole in one of your jokes, you have to quit comedy immediately. Blakey, people can see you live on stage at the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival. Yeah, I'll be either there or at the pub or on a quad bike somewhere, just hanging about, nothing exciting coming up.

Sick. In a dress from Maxi Bond. Well, guys, thanks heaps for listening. All our T-shirts and all that stuff, the Patreon, littledumbdumbclub.com. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mate.