The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 351 - Charlie Pickering

Episode Date: June 28, 2017

Nazeem Hussain, Bomb Squad and Ho Chi Minh Hotels.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dum Dum Club, a great new episode with special guests, Charlie Pickering and Nazeem Hussain. Can't wait to hear from both of them. Two fantastic, reliable comedians. Always deliver. But we have an announcement before that. Brisbane, you guys turned out in absolute force at the start of the year when we did our shows there, our two live podcasts back to back. We said we would come back in the middle of the year and do something, not be able to do episodes like that

and you guys all seemed into it and so this is it. We've locked it in. Carl, you having a coughing fit over this news, you're so excited. I know. It's like, you know, I'm not used to being treated in a certain way by Adelaide and it's just overwhelming being able to come back and being wanted by Brisbane. You looked like you were having an allergic reaction to the thought of great comedy. Yeah, no.

So Saturday, August the 26th, which is the day after my birthday, we are going to be in Brisbane doing a big, big, big show, our sort of Dum Dum Palooza event that we've done in other states in the past. It is slightly different. Slightly different. To what we're doing. And we sort of promo'd this in Brisbane at the time. What we promised guys at the end of the show when we had these sold-out rooms was we did straight podcasts at the start of the year in Brisbane.

And we said, you know what? We're going to come back. And we tend to in the past have gone to Brisbane and sort of tried gear out for our comedy festival shows. So this year what we're going to do is we're going to come back in August, we're going to do rock solid hours of comedy. Yes. Me and you both smashing it with absolute polished gold. Yeah.

And then at the end of it, so me and you do a show each. So I do my show dinner for two, then a break, then you do your show, Carl Chandler, World's Best Comedian in the World, then a break. And then we do, what we're going to do is not record like a regular free episode that comes out like this. We are going to record a bonus episode that would normally come out on the Patreon feed.

Yes. So if you are a $10 subscriber on Patreon, this is the sort of episode that you guys get every month. We are going to record a, you record a 30, 40-minute bonus episode with one very all-time favourite guest of Little Dumb Dumb Club. Yes. So that's going to be great. It'll be less guests than normal, but it'll be –

I mean, we probably – I mean, look, you're saying 30, 40. Who knows? We'll just sit up there and we'll fuck around and it'll be probably more loose than any regular episodes that we do. I've got a feeling that we might get into some – there's a couple of certain, I think, stories that are worth telling that should not be committed to tape, that's for sure. Yes, well, tape as long as people are paying.

Yes. Yeah, yeah. So it'll be – like, even though we're saying it's not going to be like a regular episode, we don't want to undersell it because it will still be great. It will still be very fun. Oh, no, it will be an episode. It just won't have the same number of guests because it's too hard to fly.

In the way that with Adelaide, it's very easy for us to fly guests over there from Melbourne and all that sort of stuff. Brisbane's a little bit trickier, but we're lucky that this person is up for it and is going to come do it. But it's going to be fun. Having said that, I think we might have one or two guests there. Oh, I didn't know about there being another one. I think we might have one or two guests there. Oh, I didn't know about

there being another one. Well, we could always get a local. Oh, we could. Yeah. I mean, we rarely do that in towns

that aren't Melbourne or Sydney. Go fishing for a local guest. No, Brisbane, we've got one or two friends. Okay, yeah, we do now.

Yeah. So, that's going to be heaps of fun. That is going to be a full afternoon of comedy. Tickets available now. They just went on sale, littledumbdumbclub.com. Again, we got so much love in Brisbane heaps of fun that is going to be a full afternoon of comedy tickets available now they just went on

say our little dumdumclub.com again we got so much love in Brisbane at the start of the year that we went we've got to start coming back here

more than once every 12 months definitely and that's what Brisbane kept complaining about that we were going to Adelaide twice a year and complaining about Adelaide

you know what we're not going to Adelaide twice this year we've gone we get the hint we're going once so we're doing Brisbane twice this year your wishes have been answered so on top of that still we keep teasing this out so that is in august we uh we wish we could announce this this

this extra show that we're going to do well not an extra show just a show in sydney so guys we are doing a show in sydney It is coming up very soon. You may have heard me last week in this ad saying that our dicks are being jerked over it, and wouldn't you know it, they are still just… Rock hard. I thought by now we would have just splooged everywhere, but we're still just being kept right on the brink by this mysterious, benevolent overlord.

Just both of our puds in their hand just... So we're nearly... It's going to be good when I announce who this person is. We're nearly about to do this. So please, Sydney, keep an eye on your... You know what? Block out all of September just in case. But September, we're going to be there in September.

So, guys, just get ready. Start putting money in case. Yeah. September, we're going to be there in September. So, guys, just get ready. Start putting money in your piggy bank. Call it September the pig. Put your five-cent pieces in there every day until September. Look, you know what? I'm just going to jump the gun and say it now and just hope that between us recording this and this coming out that it's been made official. Fuck it.

We're hosting an official event on September 11 as part of remembering all the people who died on that day. Oh, God. Okay, guys, get your tickets right now. It's not happening. That is not happening. Don't try, don't Google that and try and buy whatever's associated with those phrases, okay?

That is not us. They are different maniacs. All right? That is not us. But please, wes. All right? That is not us. But please, we promise, it's going to be a massive, massive, if this comes off, it is a massive show in Sydney that we are still trying to put together. What will be great is if it doesn't come off

and we all of a sudden just stop talking about it and then in a couple of months' time, people will be listening to back episodes and we'll get messages. What was that thing you were talking about that you never ended up doing? I'll be here at September 11 and I can't see you guys at all. I went back in time to September 11. Yeah, so anyway, yeah, keep an eye on all the socials. But for now, what you can do is, hey, you know what?

If you're sick of waiting, Sydney's not that far from Brisbane, just fly to Brisbane, August 26. And also, I know this is worth saying as well, fuck, we're putting a lot of information here without putting any information in here. Yeah, why are we doing this? I know, but it's just… It's so tedious.

I know, but it's just worth putting that in people's heads. Why? There's nothing for people to do with this information. It's valuable for Sydney to know that we're going to be there in September. Yes, sure. All right. All right. We'll do that.

We might have something happening very very very soon as well something very special yeah so hopefully a very special episode of a little dum dum club little dum dum club

down under okay we also need to say a thank you as always to the people who support this show on Patreon if you chip in

you get extra sweet content like for $5 a month, we send you a magazine. For $10 a month, we send you an extra bonus episode. And for $2 a month or more, we read your name out at the start of this show. $5, mate.

It's gone up. Okay, I didn't know that was official yet. I've made no alteration online. Okay. In my head, I've made it. I think we might be getting a call from the consumer watchdog at the back of this. Choice magazine are not happy.

But yeah, we read your name out at the start of the show and we say thanks in the way that only we can. So who's coming down the pipe this month? I mean this week? Well, you know what? We'll do five this week, I reckon. Mix it up. Switch it up.

We'll do five this week. First of all, look, the first two are getting very preferential treatment because they are, We'll do five this week, I reckon. Mix it up. Switch it up. We'll do five this week. First of all, look, the first two are getting very preferential treatment because they are Mum and Dad. the highest in the echelon of Dumb Dumb Patreon subscribers. Oh, really? The much sought after $30 subscribers. Ah, and it's taken this long to read their names out. Very cool.

No, but they've been there from the start. Okay, right. Oh, they've just... Okay, cool. That's cool. Very cool. No, but they've been there from the start. Okay, right. Oh, they've just – okay, cool. That's cool. They've been there a couple of months or a little bit more. So thank you very much to Your Royal Highness Jessica Cooper. Ah, hanging with Ms. Cooper. Yeah, hanging with Ms. Cooper and having her pay for a lot of our groceries.

Yeah, very good. Yeah. Bit of a sugar mama relationship with Ms. Cooper. Yeah. Yeah, thanks, Coops. groceries. Yeah, very good. Yeah. Bit of a sugar mama relationship with Miss Cooper. Yeah. Yeah, thanks, Coops. Very, very much appreciated. Coops, I like that. I had a friend in high school whose last name was Cooper

and he was Coops. I think that's one of the cleanest kind of nicknames you get off the back of a surname. Yes, and I believe she may be, after all that Brisbane information, I believe she may be a Brisbaneite as well. So we, and of course with the $30 echelon, you get a shirt sent out to you,

and I believe she has got her shirt already. Oh, that's cool. So thanks, Jess Cooper, for Jessie Cooper, if I may. Jessie Coops. I don't think you may at all. I don't think that having some of her money gives you the right to just fling her a nickname like that. I've just attached that to some of her money gives you the right to just flinger a nickname like that. I've just attached that to the $30 echelon on the Patreon.

Oh, right, okay. It means I can do whatever I want with your name. I become a lot more informal with you. Yeah, I try and cool your name right up. Yeah, that's cool. Jess Coops. That's what you get for your $30. JC, baby.

Thanks, JC. Thanks, Coops. Thanks, Jay. Thanks, Jessie. Secondly, thank you to Patreon subscriber. Again, another $30 absolute queen

of the Patreon here. Nice. Thank you to Carly Skelton. Yeah, thanks Carly. Oh no, you know what? I fucked up. She's from Brisbane I think. I think Carly's from Brisbane. Oh, she's the one from Brisbane. Jessica Cooper hasn't got her shirt yet. I really honestly thought you were about to go, oh I fucked up. It's Carly S from Brisbane. Oh, she's the one from Brisbane. Jessica Cooper hasn't got her shirt yet. I really honestly thought you were about to go, oh, I fucked up. It's Carly's skeleton.

I would never say that about a $30 Echelon subscriber. I literally am picturing even when you said skeleton, just a skeleton walking around, throwing us money. Yeah, like, you know, we do get into this a little bit, but skeleton, why is there a need for that name? You know, when it's that close to skeleton, is that – did your forefathers used to be skeletons and that's where the names come from?

It's interesting. I've been thinking of this part of the podcast recently. And loving it? Because in the last maybe week and a half, I've met two separate girls with the name Pooja. Wow. And in my head I've gone, that's got to be, I mean, that's a horrific child. Spelt how?

P-O-O-J-A. Oh. Now, one of them I know only moved here. And they're not related? No. Right. You're not typically related if you have the same first name. Oh, I thought you said last name.

Sorry. No, no, first name. First name. First name Pooja. Okay. So they're not related though? No. Right.

To give my original answer to your original question, no. So one of them I know is like in her mid-20s and only moved here like three or five years ago or something. Right. So, you know, so didn't have to go through school here. She's from India. So I imagine it's a lot more common there. Different, different.

The other one, I don't know if she had to endure the torture of going through our primary school system with the word poo in your name. Brutal. Just, I reckon that's the most Brutal name you could have And that's And immediately Were you like

Can you please start listening To the podcast It's sort of a long game And hopefully love it And chip in Yeah exactly Yeah We'd love to hear from any

Poojas out there guys Because I mean you know Already I'm sitting on a couple Of things I could say Sitting on a couple of poojas Yeah exactly The double pooja.

But thanks, Carly Skelton. Thanks, Skeleton. Thanks, Skeletor. Thanks, Red Skelton. Thank you to the queens of the Patreon, Jessica Cooper and Carly Skelton, chucking in 30 a week. I don't know if – 30 a month.

I don't know how ethical it is to be like announcing the amounts that people are throwing in. Oh, really? But cool. You know, good on them. I guess there's nothing wrong with that. It's letting people know. It's letting the other people that listen know that even if you do subscribe

and pay money, these people are more generous than you. Yeah. And I think we've been fairly positive about these people and that's explaining why apart from talking about Pooja for a while in there, it's all been pretty preferential treatment for those two. And two female listeners as well. Yes. So they've put in $30 each, which means that you and I now both have $30.

Yes. You know what I'm going to use that $30 for? Yes. I'm going to buy another copy of the game. Right. Just because the other one's stuck together or something? Right. Okay.

So wait. Just because the other one's stuck together or something? Right, okay. So wait, I'm jerking off just reading about how other people pick up chicks. I thought there might have been a jerk off chapter in there somewhere. Oh, okay, so here's a blank page. Do your worst. Yeah, yeah. Practice. Practice. Here's your practice page.

That's not bad. Let's do that in the next newsletter. Here's a practice page for you to jizz on. What we need to do in the magazine is do our version of the game. How Tommy and Carl pick up. That's pretty good. We're working on the new one right now. Let's literally do that.

All right. Okay, there's incentive. If you want to fuck like we do, pick up this magazine. Yeah. If you want to be just knee-deep in pussy like we are, get onto that. So anyway, again, very respectful thank you to Jessica Cooper and Carly Skelton. So thank you. Go on to the third one.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber Jordan Corbo. Corbo. Corbo. That's great when a last name comes pre-Aussie fight. Pre-nicknamed. Corbo. All we're doing is just echoing your name behind it. Corbo. Corbo.

JC, thanks, Jordan Corbo. Oh, JC, that's good. That's always good. Yeah, Corbo. What is Corbo? JC, Corbobo And there's that Labor dude From the UK

Jeremy Corbyn Yeah And he's getting a bit of that at the moment Because they sound kind of similar Oh yeah Well if he If he came here If he came to Australia

Jeremy Corbyn would be Getting a bit of Corbyn Yeah Corbyn Worth him Worth him coming out here Yeah

Just to Just to experience that Just to You know Have we Fuck I'd love Some sort of Ever talked about

UK politics before No I don't believe we have We need I think we've only ever had Like one famous Patreon subscriber Haven't we

Which is Who have we had We had Oh that guy from Oh from The Chaser Yeah Yes We had someone from The Chaser

Subscribe Yeah So we've read him out But I think that's the only famous subscriber I mean unless people are doing it Under like a pseudonym Right Which you know

If you listened to this show And you know the sorts of things we say about people If you were You know if you were someone I have heard You would deliberately like Not put. If you were someone – I have heard – You would deliberately not put your real name in. I have heard that people have changed their names, not even to joke names, but just to other names.

Yeah. So we didn't make fun of their name on this. And they just made up a name. Change your name to Sans O'Tiff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Jordan Corbo, if that is your real name, thank you. Thanks, Big Corbo. Thank you too.

Now this, this name sounds like one of those names I've just described. Because it sounds made up. You tell me. All right. Let's go. This is number four. Tommy Dasolo. That is ridiculous.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber Hugh Tidy. Hugh Tidy. Yeah. T-I-D-Y. Hugh Tidy. Because you read Hugh and you go, this will be good. Yeah. And Hugh Tidy and you go, oh, here he – oh, no, that actually doesn't mean anything.

Yeah. That's made up. That reeks of a bit of like, you know, looking around the room. Right. Oh, the around the room. Right. Oh, the room's tidy. Yep. Yep.

That'd be the first thing you notice about a room. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that guy's huge over there and this room's tidy. All right. Huge, huge,

huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge,

huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge,

huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge,

huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge,

huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge,

huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge,

huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge,

huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, huge, you know what, as I'm speaking, I am looking up on- Getting a message from Hugh Tidy?

No, no, no. I'm looking up on Facebook whether there's anyone called Hugh Tidy on here. Oh, not bad. Not bad. Let's have a look. Hugh Tidy. No, no one there. Really?

No one called Hugh Tidy. Really? Oh, actually, fuck, he's real. Oh, okay. I just found him. All right. The actual guy? Yeah, I reckon because he's a podcast fan.

Oh, okay. And he's messaging- oh, here we go. He just messaged Will Anderson and Charlie Clawson's podcast, Two Guys, One Cup. And I've clicked on his profile and he's holding a big pair of cymbals. Okay. As in drum cymbals. So he's real.

Sorry, Hugh Tidy. Sorry for doubting you. Sorry, Hugh. Yeah. I for doubting you. Sorry, Hugh. Yeah. But, yeah, I mean, he must have gotten this. I mean, he must call up, you know, hey, I've lost my PIN number. I need help. Commonwealth Bank.

Yeah. Name Hugh Tidy. Yeah. And they're like, fuck off. Yeah. Rightio. Good one. Good one, Hugh.

All right. Well, thanks, Hugh. Sorry, but thanks. Yeah, sorry. But, you know, look, again, I'm interested in how your life's been with that name because that's an unusual name. People donate us money and we sit here and accuse them of being fake. Yeah.

Grow up. Maybe grow up. God. Oh, you know what you've made me want to do? Something drastic to myself. Okay. So don't, please. It is the worst thing you can say to someone.

Don't name shame me again like that, please. All right? You've got me in a negative mind. All right. So I believe that's four. So we must be about to do the fifth. The fifth one. All right.

The fifth and final for this week. Yeah, let's make it the final one. Okay. Yeah. Final one this week. All right. Here we go. Number five. Not a $30 subscriber, but still the final one. Okay. Yeah, final one this week. All right. Here we go. Number five.

Not a $30 subscriber, but still, all right. Okay. How much do they put in? This one is $5. $5? Yeah. Okay. Not that much.

The minimum amount to get your name written out. Well, reading forward, I can see why. Like, probably not earning a lot of money. Okay. Right. Yeah. So, five is actually probably pretty good for this. Yes. Okay. All right. So. I am strapped money. Right. Yeah. So five is actually probably pretty good for this. Yes.

Okay. All right. So. I am strapped in. Right. Great. So the fifth and final one. I do need to go to the bathroom.

I'm thinking I should do that beforehand because I feel like I'm immediately going to just evacuate my bowels as soon as I, I'll be so overjoyed. Really? Yeah. Over a $5 subscriber. I feel like it's going to be real good. Okay. All right.

Well, get ready. What are you going to do? feel like it's going to be real good. Okay. All right. Well, get ready. Anyway, what do you got? Get ready. Part your cheeks and get ready for this. Hop on in. Yep. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Mittens Comedy, the comedy family cat. Thanks, Mittens.

So I got to be honest. I went from thinking, wow, five seems like a pretty minimal amount. But that was me thinking in human terms. In cat terms, $5 is absolutely massive. It is a fortune. Cats have no capacity to earn their own income. There's no guide cats so you can't even make any money. As you were saying that, the smugness of just slowly closing the screen

of your laptop. Oh, my work here is done. Time to go to sleep, old friend. Yeah, I mean, look, the only job a cat can really have is maybe, what, working in one of those cat cafes? Yes, but they don't get paid for that. No, they don't. They're not earning a salary.

I imagine they don't. So we should say, if people haven't seen this already on social media, I imagine they don't. So we should say, if people haven't seen this already on social media, last week I put the call out because this comedy family, I couldn't keep track of it mentally. So I put the call out for someone to draw up the comedy family tree, which someone very graciously did for us,

and we shared it on social media, and it's really great. Someone took it a step further and registered the comedy family on Ancestry.com. So I've never used Ancestry. They got the name wrong. I got some of the names wrong, yeah. I don't know how Ancestry.com works, so I guess you can just get a blood sample taken and get on Ancestry.com and find out if you're related to the comedies.

Right. Maybe. Are you allowed to put a cat on Ancestry.com? Probably not. Interesting. I mean, I feel like if that person could update the family tree. This person who did this for us, and I apologise profusely to this person. I've forgotten their name.

But I hope they're prepared to make this an ongoing thing. Yeah. I hope that they didn't think they were just going to do it once and that would be it. I think it would be great if they could, you know, week by week. Well, by the way. For the next five years that I presume this ludicrous bit is going to go. Look, don't look that far ahead.

How do you know this is going to keep coming? Because I pick all these names at random every week. Apart from the fact that you're relying on one of these gracious family members subscribing every week. But I'm just blindly putting my hand into a big bucket of ping pong balls with names written on them every week. But they say lightning doesn't strike twice. It's struck about 18 times at this point.

So for now I just have to presume if we've been this lucky this far. Well, we'll see. Like I thought after four that was pushing it. But it kept going long after that. Just please, you know, our luck's got to run out somehow. So don't push it. Let's just cross our fingers. Sure, but for now, that person, if you can update the comedy family tree

to include Mittens. Wait, hang on. Mittens the comedy cat? Mittens comedy. Mittens comedy. The comedy family cat. The comedy family cat. Yeah.

Now, look, if it makes a difference about getting it on Ancestry.com, you don't have to put that it's a cat. Yes. You could just put Mittens Comedy. Sneak it in as a child. But where do you put it on? The problem is where do you place it on the tree? Well, it's like a lot of people think cats are like a member of the family.

Yeah, but what branch do you have it coming off? Well, you have it as one of Little Miss Comedy's brother. So I guess it comes out to the side of the children. Yeah. Because it's linked to them. Well, it's like a sibling to Little Miss Comedy, I would presume. Yeah. I've never known whether Mittens…

Again, you know what? It's like we don't need to worry about this. This is for the guy that drew the family tree and the good people down at Ancestry.com to work out. This is not our ball and wick. Yeah. Bell and wick. And I've never known whether Mittens is a boy's or a girl's name as well, so. Interesting.

I think maybe more girls, maybe? I think Mittens might be one of the only truly, truly non-gendered names. Right, okay. So it's a good one to have up your sleeve if you're expecting a child and you're a bit worried. You want to name it but you don't want to find out the sex yet. Yeah. And you want to buy a lot of stuff maybe stationary for your kid

without wanting to know what the sex is. Yeah. Mittens is the ideal name. Like if you don't want to paint the nursery blue or pink, you just write mittens all over it. And buy actual mittens because boys use mittens, girls use mittens, we all use mittens. Yeah.. And buy actual mittens because boys use mittens, girls use mittens. We all use mittens. Yeah.

Wow, what a great – I think we're going to revolutionise the old baby naming book. Comedy. It's easy. Shall we say we were talking recently off the show, I'm pretty sure, about me saying – potentially calling my comedy festival show next year, comedy is easy. And it's me being knighted by the king of comedy in the poster.

Yes. Text in and tell us if you think that's a good idea. If you've never been to our stand-up shows, would me calling my show that make you more likely to buy a ticket? I like it a lot. I mean, if you're not going to use it, I'm happy for us to use it as just our tagline from now on. Little Dumb Dumb Club, Comedy Is Easy.

Or the name of our greatest hits album. Yeah. Or maybe, since we're about to, you know, like we said, we're going to do Sydney, we've announced Brisbane,

we're currently negotiating with Perth, we might have something else again before all that. We have an absolute ball buster in the works. This might be the comedy is easy tour. Great. What do you think? Yeah, real great.

Yeah. So if this other thing comes through, that's us pretty much taken care of until nearly the comedy is easy tour. Great. What do you think? Yeah, real great. Yeah. So if this other thing comes through, that's us pretty much taken care of until nearly the end of the year. Yeah, that's us. It's going to be a hell of a tour. Until the end of 2017. And we're still thinking about trying to get a Canberra thing going as well. Yeah.

That's it. The comedy is easy tour coming to you soon, hopefully. Great. That's only if I give us permission to. If I decide that it's ill-advised to call my comedy festival show that, which given that I called my show this, you did it for two. Seems unlikely that I would think

anything is a bad idea at this point. Alright, guys. LittleDumbDumbClub.com for your tickets to Brisbane if you want to get on and chip into the Patreon. It helps us with everything that we do here. If you enjoy the show every month and you just want to say thanks and chuck in a couple of shekels, it is greatly,

greatly appreciated from all of us here at Dumb Dumb Industries. That's all we need to say now. Oh, some merch, T-shirts and stuff. Just the website, littledumbdumbclub.com for everything you could possibly need. And please, if you want a piece of that Costa Mui podcast vessel that is only just finished, if you want a little, if you want a reminder, if you just want to pretend you're part of it, if you want a little, if you're on it, if you want a reminder,

if you just want to pretend you're a part of it, if you just like the magnificent drawing that Tommy Dassler has put on it, grab, you know, especially, you know what? Oh, we could make Comedy Is Easy Tour t-shirts. Oh, let's just get rid of these fucking ones first. So, especially oversized ones. We've been stuck with a bunch of, I've been a bit cocky and ordered a bunch of oversized ones

because those ones always sell very early on, the old 5, 4, 3XLs. I think it's like we've done so much fat shaming on this show that our obese listeners have lost weight. Yeah. Maybe that's it. All right, guys. Thanks, Eves, and enjoy this episode with Charlie Bickering

and Nazeem Hussain. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you so much for joining us. My name is Tommy Daslow and sitting across from me is the other half of the show, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. It's good to be back in the studio.

What could go wrong? Not doing a live episode anymore so I guess this is an opportunity for both of us to really reach into the B-grade material that we've been sitting on for the last month. None of that stuff that needs to connect with a live audience. Stuff that's a bit more meandering. Nothing that gets a big laugh at the end. Just like, oh that's interesting. Yeah, maybe there's Nothing that gets a big laugh at the end. Just like, oh, that's interesting. Yeah, maybe there's like one little interesting detail about two-thirds of the way in, but man, I'm sitting on some beauties for this one. And on top of that, like, you know, with a live show, you're always worried about guests

pulling out and stuff like that because it's all a bit, you know, you need them for the live audience. We don't have to worry about that with a studio episode, of course, because they're all planned well in their head and people know what's required. Yeah, so two fantastic guests today. Let's introduce the first one. You know him from Cash Cab and The Today Show. Please welcome back into the little Dumb Numb Club, Charlie Pickering.

Hey, guys. How are you going? Very well. Just to be clear, Friday morning funny man from the Today Show. Right. That is worth clarifying. Did you have a keyboard as well? No, did not have a keyboard.

Although we once explained the US Electoral College to Tracy Grimshaw and Ross Stevenson using a barbecue chicken M&M's and Maltesers. I reckon it still went over their head. No, Ross was into it. Tracy looked peckish. We're being very rude currently talking about

Charlie's early beginnings in career and not bringing in our second guest. Charlie, would you like to do the honours? Would you like to introduce the person who's currently sitting here alongside us? Yeah, you would know this person from I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.

Get Me Out of This Podcast. And he also did support for Dave Chappelle at the Apollo in New York, no less. Oh, wow, that's pretty cool. Please welcome Nazeem Hussain. Oh, okay. Naz didn't make it. Oh, no, no, what's actually happened here is Nazeem was booked in

and then, you know, it was all aligned to happen at 8 o'clock. We're here for an 8 o'clock start. At five minutes, at 7.55, I get sent a message that simply says, yeah, I can't do tonight, bro. 7.55. Putting bro on the end does not make that any softer of a blow. I would argue makes it somewhat worse. Let's just run some other scenarios.

We did everything we could, but I hate to tell you, your wife's dead, bro. Look, all I'm saying about this is, you know, it's not a very good feeling because, you know, you've generously given your time to come here. You're a busy man. You're here. We've arranged our whole day, a couple of days around,

recording this episode. We need to get out and then we get a bit of five minutes. All I'm saying is I don't agree with Andrew Bolt, but I'm starting to see why he thinks that way. So here's my concern at this stage is a small part of me feels like this is an elaborate kind of, I'm not quite being punked, but some kind of elaborate comeuppance that you have contrived.

We are famous for this. No, because I notoriously, like, I've left you in the lurch with gigs a number of times. They're you. And so that's the thing. I claim no moral high ground in this regard. But, like, if you told me that these mics weren't even on and this was just like, in fact, you guys don't even live in this house.

Like, you've dug a fucking hole in the back garden. This is Nazeem's house. We broke it in. That's what makes it weirder that he's pulled out. Where is he? Where's he gone? He's driving around the streets. So, yeah, I want to be cautious about being too fucking high and mighty

towards Nazeem in this regard. You could be the Nazeem apologist. That's fine. I mean, my aim was, when we found this out, my aim was to maybe get us all in a sort of gang mentality and slowly turn ourselves right wing rather than left wing and just really let's get stuck in a zine. You reckon we could possibly turn the podcast

to a very different thing? But also not just for this episode but in an ongoing way. Like you guys become Dingo Twitter. Is that the term? What? Do you know what Dingo Twitter is? No. So, right.

My thought was let's turn this from a podcast into AM radio. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but what I'm talking about is kind of your Reclaim Australia podcast thing. Dingo Twitter is the Australian alt-right. Right. Like they call themselves fucking Dingo Twitter, mate. Right. And that's like it's just a pitiful fucking way to describe it.

Like what a terrible, terrible branding. And Dingo particularly is like if there's one thing that dingoes are known for, it's killing a baby. Killing babies. Yeah. Killing babies. I do dingo. It's not like the Golden Wattle or the Southern Cross

where it's all positive connotations. That's like they're feral animals that kill. Yeah. Allegedly. Yeah. No's like, they're feral animals that kill. Yeah. Allegedly. Yeah. No, no, conclusively. But also, like what you said, it's not positive or lovely.

It's like, I'm not sure how familiar you are with the alt-right. They're not big on positive connotations. Yeah, yeah. But they think they are. Yeah, they think they're doing the right thing. So do yourself a favour and at least brand yourself with something a bit nice. Well, you know, the Southern Cross, they've claimed stars. Like, they're fucking, you know, sons out there that are like, yeah, yeah, they're ours now.

They're fucked. We just fucked those sons for everyone. I went to the zoo today and saw a dingo. And the interesting, this is at Healesville Sanctuary, the interesting thing was on their little information, you know, about the animal that's, like, near the enclosure, they kind of allude to the dingo eating the baby thing, which is a bit weird.

They say, don't leave babies. Don't feed babies to the dingo. It must be this tall to get in here. No, no, there's a graphic illustration of a dingo ripping one limb from limb. Get on the nose. No, there's a... Because it's good. They're like a dog with a squeaky toy.

With a baby. They love good. They're like a dog with a squeaky toy. With a baby. They love it. They love that. They kind of go, oh, dingoes have a bit of, you know, negative connotation out there about them because of a bunch of stories that have been told through the, you know, they, without sort of saying, without referencing it. Without giving the IMDB link to Evil Angels.

Yes. So it's sort of like, I don't know what you've heard, but dingoes have had a bit of bad PR since 1980. Yeah. What I want to know is you look at this dingo in the enclosure and all the stuff that it's telling you about it on the information sheet, what I want to know is how is this just not a dog? Like why is this in the zoo instead of just having a Labrador in there?

Right. Because you're looking at it, you're going, the way it walks and the way it looks and everything about it, you're going, this is a dog in every way. Yeah, I think the deciding factor is no one, they don't compete at Crufts dog show. Right. Like, no one rocks up with a fucking dingo. Do you know what I mean?

It's like – It's never been the blind person's dog of choice. It's never had one of those beer barrels like a St. Bernard. Oh, yeah, not bad. It's more famous for having the baby under its chin. So what I love about dingoes is there's at least this one guy, but there are people who have them as pets, right? Yeah.

there's at least this one guy, but there are people who have them as pets, right? Yeah. And they are always advocating dingoes to be treated as, like to be regarded better, right? Right. But there's this one guy I know from the media and he's always talking to the media just going, yeah, dingoes get a bad rap, but they're great pets. Dingoes are great pets.

And I know this one guy and he's always wearing a hat made out of another animal. Like it's made out of domestic cats or something like that. And he's all, no, dingoes are great pets. You go, where did you get the fucking hat, bro? And also it's like, it's that sort of person that's like, yeah, sure, they make good pets. Have you ever had another pet?

Because every other animal would be a better pet than that. It's not like that's the best at being pets because otherwise that would be all of our pets, the dingo. And what is your personal investment in this? Like you just have one and you love it. How is that not enough? Why have you got to be out there trying to force everyone else to have it? What's your horse in this race?

Yeah, I imagine it's just like if he's the only guy that has dingoes as pets and he's well ahead of – he's got the jump on everyone as Australia's leading dingo breeder. Yeah. So if there was a Berks Backyard style segment, you know where they used to road test dogs on Berks Backyard? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And, you know, if they did like dingoes and they sent out the fact sheet,

it would just be fucking that guy. Yeah. And he probably lives in Healesville or nearby. Yeah. Like up in the mountains there and it's just his address and it's always just like come on a Monday and bring 50 bucks. And that's, you know, and you get yourself a fucking dingo. Meet me at the Healesville Safeway car park and bring 50 bucks.

So are you saying it sounds like you're suggesting sell for fucking dingo. Meet me at the Healesville Safeway car park and bring 50 bucks. Cash over. So are you saying, it sounds like you're suggesting that potentially there's some kind of kink element involved in here where this guy's breeding them and really what he's into is he just loves watching the dingoes fuck. So he's like, the more demand there is for these, the more I'm breeding, the more I get to do my favourite thing, which is watch a bit of dingo coitus. And talking about that, that's Dingo Twitter.

Oh, right, right. Cool, cool. So if you like to watch Dingo's fuck and hate foreigners, you're into Dingo Twitter. Hell yeah. That's a sweet Venn diagram there that crosses over, I reckon, 100%. I reckon a lot. Here's my other question that I have any time I go to a zoo,

is you go past certain enclosures and you go, why aren't these pets? Like the koala. You go, how have we not domesticated this? Look at it. It just sits there and does fuck all. Yeah, but their claws are really messed up, man. Like their claws are dangerous.

Yeah, but that's true of dogs and we just kind of beat them into submission and go, you do stuff for us now. Yeah, it's not true of dogs and we just kind of beat them into submission and go, you do stuff for us now. Yeah, it's not true of dogs. Like, dogs' claws are really fine. They're fine. Who would you rather face off against, a pit bull or a koala?

Fuck. Who would you rather fuck, Elmer first or Pamela Anderson? Who would you rather fight? Elmer first or Pamela Anderson? Or a dingo. Or a dingo. So, Elmer Ferson Or a dingo Or a dingo So I would rather fight a koala

Because they are slow Yeah Like if you had to You could fucking You could punt a fucking koala There's no That's fine A pit bull is a life threatening situation

Even on a good day Exactly That's the point Well you know Yeah but that's not We were talking about the cause Yeah but How do you look at a pit bull and go, I'll have that walking around my house near my kids.

But a koala, just get... Let's just breed it out of them somehow. We can do that. But surely there's a fucking threshold over which both the koala and the pit bull sit from a pet-having standpoint. Like, personally, there's a limit. I wouldn't have, I personally wouldn't have a St Bernard

because I feel the need, I feel like I have to be able to physically. Be drinking rum all the time. No, like with a dog, I feel I have to be able to physically overwhelm it if need be. Do you know what I mean? You only want a pet that you could beat in a fight. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, yeah.

But I think that's important to maintaining order. That's great. Is that how you've always chosen your partners as well or? No. Apart from that time you went out with King Kong's partner. Yes, yeah. No, it's wrong. I dated the Iron Sheik.

That's great, though. You going down to Pets Paradise and just being like, all right, let me take one of these on out the back and then if it goes the way I want it to, then you've got a sale. If you've ever seen me out the back of Pets Paradise punching fuck through a frog, just wailing into a frog going, yeah, I reckon I got this sucker. Give me another one.

This one's busted. Going back quickly to what you said before about you being unreliable, I would say not so much unreliable but uncontactable. I would say, because I run a lot of gigs and we do the pod and whatever, if someone said to me, number one person, hardest to get hold of, C Pickering, three votes. Yeah, I think that's probably fair and true It's the Christopher Scase of comedy they call you

Yeah so Well that's unfair Impossible to track down I don't think I've ever Answer the phone call I don't think I've ever finally arrived Somewhere like at a gig after being difficult To track down but breathing through a fucking oxygen mask

and pretending to have some kind of lung disease. It's not about that. So there's a couple of aspects to it. But the main one to me is it's rude and I'm sorry. That's the top line. I am very apologetic. I appreciate it. I'm not looking for that.

That's the top line. I am very apologetic. I appreciate it. I'm not looking for that. I've got a problem with – I still don't think just – and this might mean I end up – I just die fucking lonely because I didn't evolve. But I feel a bit like – You hate him and you hate his company.

Just say it. No, no, no. Just say it. It's like with email. I'm like, you know, some people get back to emails like fucking straight away. A, I find that slightly weird. B, I'm like, I don't think everyone needs to be on everyone else's fucking, you know, like it used to be you rang and left a message and people got back.

I guess I just don't get back either, do I? Yeah. Well, I'm a very busy man. I'm a very busy man i'm a very busy man because you when you used to work at the project um and i would be there where i i do sort of filling days i still do um but we get the live feed from you being at the desk and you you're a classic millennial where you are on your phone absolutely non-stop and i would watch you in rehearsals for you know two three hours whatever it is and you're on your phone absolutely non-stop and I would watch you in rehearsals for two, three hours,

whatever it is, and you're on your phone, glued to your phone, and most people are. But I just always imagine, because I've sent you so many messages and you never respond, I just imagine, whenever you're looking at your phone, I'm just imagining you looking at it going, what are all these messages? If only this phone had a function where I could reply. It's so weird, but what are you going to do, I guess?

It seems like an oversight. Okay, so let's do this, right? Let's, between now and the next time we do Dum Dum, let's see if I can drastically improve my responding. Oh, interesting. Great. And you can give me an appraisal at how- You can aim for some PBs.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Some on-the-day responses. That'd be good. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Responding on the day I receive a text would be... That would be a step up. You're a busy man.

Like, you did walk in with your credentials on tonight. You came in with your big puffer jacket on that says The Weekly on it, just in case we didn't know your credits or anything like that. Yeah, it's just the warmest jacket I've got. Right. That wasn't a dick-swinging exercise. Well, mind you, that's why I deliberately said the wrong things when I introduced you.

I was like, I'll show this guy. Yeah, right. Fuck you and your jacket. Well, I'm wearing my cash cab undies, so fuck you. It's Australia's only quiz show on wheels. Well, anyway, I feel it's a waste not to ask the questions that I did prepare for Nazeem. So, Charlie, what is it like being Muslim?

It's very hard. What's your favourite thing? No, what I'll say. I'll answer these as me but with authority. It's very good that Nazeem's been on the show about a dozen times and you've only just gotten around to asking that hardball question of what is it like being Muslim. What's it like being a Muslim?

at asking that hardball question of what is it like being Muslim. What's it like being a Muslim? I would say that currently it's the hardest it's been since the Crusades. That's what I'll say. That's my take on what it's like to be a Muslim now. Misunderstood, by and large. Well, that was my only question I had prepared for Nazeem, to be honest. I sort of hoped that you would stretch that out over at least 20 minutes. It was very hard to find a silver lining in the situation of Nazeem pulling out

because Charlie turned up with a six-pack of beer. And so all of a sudden it's like a guest isn't – we're not going to have another guest here. So it's like, well, cool, that's more beer for the rest of us. But, oh, he doesn't drink anyway. So we're right back to square one. There's no positives to be found. Yeah, and those bacon burgers, I mean, again, the situation does not change.

Weird of Charlie to turn up to my house at 8pm with a stack of bacon burgers. And just a broad tolerance of homosexuality in the room. Just a broad tolerance of it. Not necessarily acting upon it, just tolerating it. Just tolerating it. Yeah, that's all anyone can

ask these days. Now, I'll say this because we've sort of very, very vaguely broached it about – because I am contacting you maybe about like the podcast or about gigs because, you know, both me and Tommy, we do run weekly gigs. Tommy's got Catfish Comedy on Tuesday nights. I've got the Thursday Comedy Club on a Thursday. Now I've got the Basement Comedy on the Saturday and forever. And, man, I don't even know how long this has been now,

but I've co-run Comedy at Spleen on the Monday night in Melbourne. And so the nice thing about Comedy at Spleen is it's the sort of free pay-by-donation sort of gig of the week. And it's always very packed. It's great lineups and whatever, but it's a little bit more open-mic-y, meaning everyone gets a bit of a go. If you come down and ask for a gig after the gig, you can sort of invariably get on. You might be booked a month, two months in advance,

whatever it is, but there's that nice little avenue. Lower standards. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a free gig, but it's like, you know what? It was designed, to be honest, it was designed to sort of like when we started to be able to get on at a good gig. So anyone can invariably get on if they do the legwork and come down and show their face and whatever so um that happened last week

and the gig finished and a couple of people were sort of wandering around you could see what's happening people want to ask for a gig and whatever and um a guy comes up to me and goes oh man how do i get on because you know what i've've, you know, it's a bit of a dream to do this gig and it's like that little moment of going nice because you know, you put all that work in to a gig and you've been, you know, that gig's been running for eight years or something and like I said, part of the reason of inventing that gig was

sort of like so that people, new people could get on at a gig with say, you know a Charlie Pickering, a Tommy Dasolo it might be their first gig and they're like wow we're on at this sort of awesome gig already. And also enough people facing the front of the room that it's a gig worth doing. Exactly.

All of that stuff. So this guy's very nice and I think, oh, a little bit of pride there, you know. I've always, you know, it's a dream for me to get on this gig. Beautiful. What a great story. But I'm very busy, yeah. This is beautiful.

Next. Oh, I thought that was it. No, no, no. That was lovely. I was going to get back to dingoes. You talk about catfish now. So this guy goes, yeah, so it's been a dream. I'd love to get on.

And I said, oh, I'm actually, I think I was packing up chairs at that point. And I said, actually, if you could just message me on the Facebook page, on the official Facebook page, that would be awesome. And he's like, oh, okay, so I'll do that now. And he's like, so what would the Facebook page be called? And I'm like, it's just named after the gig. And he's like, oh, okay, so what should I look at? And I'm like, the gig called Comedy Explained.

And he's like, oh, okay, right. And so he's there and I'm packing up chairs and about five minutes later he comes back and he goes, I can't find it. It's not there. I'm like, well, it very much is there. It's on my phone here. And I said, give me your phone.

And you know what he'd been looking up? He thought the name of the gig was Comedy Explained. Wow. So it was his dream to get on. He didn't know the name of the gig. But not only that, he thought he was at a gig called Comedy Explained. So I think what it is is he's done a couple of open mics and he's killing, but he doesn't quite know why.

What he's doing. He doesn't get what's funny about what he's saying. Right. So he's like, I need to get on here so someone can tell me what is funny about my dad walking in on me wanking. Yeah. That's what it is. This is like Babelfish comedy.

Yes. Yeah. Yes. He's just getting on stage and everyone's laughing at him. He's going, what the fuck is going on? I need to get to the bottom of this. I need to go to Comedy Explained. That's a great, that is a great idea for a gig.

Comedy Explained. Where it's. Do you know, yeah, I'm really into Comedy Explained now. The more I think about it. So it's basically you do Comedy Explained and then Comedy Explained is the late night afterwards where people get up and – It's like where The Walking Dead would be on

and then they'd have The Talking Dead afterwards. No, so what I reckon – I reckon you can do it concurrently, right? And people – Upstairs. No, you need... No, but I'm thinking you get two people on and one person's doing the set

and at the end of each joke or every time they get a laugh, the other person explains why the laugh happened. Like an interpreter. Yeah. So, for example, what's a joke you would do in a comedy class? Here we go. Duck sandwich. I'm well, for example, what's a joke you would do in a comedy club? Here we go.

Duck sandwich. I'm well known for my duck sandwich joke. So, yeah. Right. So, I'll do the joke now. Yeah, you do the joke now. Okay. So.

Tommy, you be in audience enjoying it. Okay. Yeah. Sure. Sure. Not a challenge to portray this role. Absolutely. Yeah.

So, I was in a cafe and I looked at the menu. There was an item on the menu that took my eye, an item called a duck sandwich. Got a hot crowd tonight. So the reason that got a laugh was just it's a funny noun. Yeah. It's a bit unexpected to hear duck sandwich. It's a little bit Marx Brothers.

Do go on. It's got that K at the end of it, duck. It's like fuck That's why people relate to the word fuck I don't think you're allowed to then interact With the person who's explaining the comedy Otherwise this gig is going to go for fucking eight hours It's way too explained

Alright So I'd have got a duck sandwich And that kind of made me feel sad in a way Because I thought finally That duck is literally surrounded by bread Now he's in no position to enjoy it. Still got it.

It's simply cruel irony. Wait, so now you're, for the listener at home, you're looking directly at me as you say this. Is that what you're doing? I'm telling the audience. You're making direct eye contact with people who laugh and tell them why they're laughing? Yeah, and I am to some extent reading their

minds. And it's a little patronising as well. No, it is. Do you know what's funny is the way comedy is enjoyed a lot of the time is involuntary and not thought through in that way. Yes. So it's an enlightening thing.

It really is good. I love that you're explaining it to someone who's laughing. Already laughed. Well, they get I love that you're explaining it to someone who's laughing. Already laughed. And it's like, well, they get it. You need to explain it to someone who's not laughing. Yeah, but do they? Yeah. No, we'll never know.

It isn't. Because this ties into, we often talk about how funny would it be to run a gig like this, literally what we're doing right now. Like this is a conversation that you and I have pretty frequently. I had one recently with people where we were saying, because every now and then when you do stand-up, you'll see an open mic-er who has a bit that is really bad, like doesn't go well, but you can see the grain

of what they're going for and you sort of go, oh, that's, I kind of see what that is, but they've just botched it. So my idea for a gig is you get an open mic and they just do their set and then you get a pro comedian and they've received the set in advance and then they get on and do the gear again, but they've kind of like worked it out. So they take these nuggets of ideas that do not work

and they flesh them out and the challenge is can you take an open, just the premise, just the vague what they're going for and actually kind of punch it up and the gig is called The Bomb Squad. Right. Fuck, that's really good. What do you think? I think that would be cool. So here's something pretty amazing is a long, long time ago

and I did not witness this but I've been told the story by one of the people in the story. But there was a comic, what was his name? Is this Comedy Gigs Explained? No, no, no. So there was this gig and it was at the Prince Pat and I'm just trying to remember this Tyson, oh, it's Tyson someone. He was a stand-up comic.

He used to run a gig in Camberwell as well. It wasn't Tyson. Anyway, his name's Tyson someone. He was a stand-up comic. He used to run a gig in Camberwell as well. It wasn't Tyson. Anyway, his name was Tyson someone. And he got up and did like a 10-minute set at the Prince Pat and died. And Will Anderson got up at the same gig, word for word, did the same set and made it work. So, Bugs Court already exists. So, yeah. word for word did the same set and made it work. So Fun Squad already exists.

So, yeah, but no, but he didn't fix or change it. On the same night? Yeah, on the same night. And it was such a massive fuck you. Like that was probably Will at his most exuberantly confident as a young man. There is not a hint of self-doubt in that.

That is great. And Will told me that story once and I was like, that's funny but that's horrible. That's horrible behaviour. Wow. That is a dick swinger of a mood. I don't know if you're aware of this before you told that story but Will does listen to this every week.

So the three of us will hear about this in some capacity. Yeah, but you should get him on and see if I've got the story right. That story would have been told to me over ecstasy many years ago. Over a snifter of ecstasy. That is an amazing feat of comedy though. If you were like, oh, let's see how good you are, that would be like take that guy's bomb set, go on immediately after him and make people laugh.

That is like what – But see, this is what I want to do. I want to formalise that. And I think because there's so many great elements here because the first thing is if you're the person running this gig, you then have to go to these open micers and explain the pitch of the gig to them and say, now I want you to be the shit cunt that has to go on first and do your shitty-ass gear.

So there's a lot of fun to be had there in picking the people that you hit up and getting to give them the spiel and see how they react. There's a lot of cruelty involved in this already, but this reminds me of another idea that we've had and talked about for years, which is having a comedian's Christmas party and having 20, 30 comics, whatever it is,

and then booking in for a pub and then without explaining to a bad comic, book them to come and play that party. Great. Without them knowing who the audience is. So you ring up and go, got a Christmas party for about 50 people, want you to do 20 minutes. And we all chip in. It's a big amount.

You've got to pay a proper corporate fee. That's the meanest idea I've heard in a long time. That's really bad. And you make them do way longer than you know that they have in the bank. Like you make them do a good 40 minutes. So like in corporate terms, 40 minutes is your maximum. You can't like – I've done 40 minutes at a corporate before and it's too long.

Yes. It's actually too long. I don't realise that no one wants that. Yeah, no one wants it. So I will often get asked to do half an hour and I will say 20 minutes is the amount of time that people want at the gig. There was a guy, a friend of the show, Aaron Gox, the other day took a gig without asking

how long he was supposed to do, turned up, did 20 minutes and then sort of hopped off and they said, no, you've got to go up there and finish the full two and a half hours. What? Two and a half hours? I would start doing

other people's festival shows. You'd have to. But on top of that, he said, I did my best 20 and it didn't go well. Like he got off and the pub owner goes, get back up there. It's like, it's only going to be worse for a minute. Yeah, yeah. What's he hoping to get out of this? That's great.

Amazing. The other good thing that I think would be good about this Bomb Squad gig, not to keep harping on about it, but I think it would be fascinating because there's genuine risk involved because the thing is if you get these open micers and then they know that they're on at a gig you know with charlie pickering tom gleason will anderson whoever they're going to invite their mates down and so you run the very real risk that they kill and then you go on after them doing doing their stuff that you think you've worked up to be good yeah and it doesn't go as well. Oh, yeah, it's high pressure all around.

Great. But I think the only way you could get people to do it, you have to call it something like Bomb Squad Workshop or you have to sell it that it's a workshop where it's almost a mentoring. Right. Do you know what I mean? To get people involved. Trying to take the sting out of it.

I mean, we'll tell that to the- How the fuck are you going to get people to sign up? We will tell mean? Like to get people involved. Trying to take the sting out of it. I mean, we'll tell that to the- How the fuck are you going to get people to sign up? We will tell that to people to get them involved. It won't be that, but we'll just say that it is. So who are you booking? Are you interested? We'll talk about that off air. Well, this is our other idea.

Remember this from- I swear we've said this on the show, but there's- This is a great episode. Because I've got another gig idea too, but let's do it like that I've always wanted to do. All right. Well, our one... Is this like, what's that show on TV called?

The Fish Tank? No, what's it called? Shark Tank. Shark Tank. Shark Tank. Is this Comedy Shark Tank? Comedy Shark Tank. I have zero dollars to invest in this show.

That's almost too much for comedy. How much are you willing to invest? 40% of the door? Exposure. Two beer tickets. You can use my email list This is one of your ones from a while back There's a comedian, a friend of ours, George McEnroe

McEncrow, who's been on the show before Who runs a gig called Best Comedians, Worst Gigs Yes Where she interviews high profile comedians About the times that they've died Carl wants to run a gig that's called Worst Comedians, Best Gigs Brilliant Great. Carl wants to run a gig that's called Worst Comedian's Best Gigs. Brilliant.

Absolutely brilliant. Where he gets really bad open micers to explain the one time that they accidentally killed. Something in the air that night. Yeah, but so I know that you can trace it. I know that you know the set because if you've, you know there will be someone that you, like there'll be someone you know that you've seen numerous times and they've been dying

with the same five minutes for like five years. Yes. And the reason they've been dying with that five minutes for five years is because it worked a time. Yes. Yes, exactly. And they haven't learnt the rule that if it dies three in a row, you've just got to fucking cut it loose.

Like you can't – and do you know what? A lot of jokes work the first time you tell them because they come out in a special way because you're actually explaining something. And they become material after that and it's different. And that can happen to anyone. Like this year at my festival show, there was one joke I did for the first time at comedy explained, sorry, and it killed

and then I went, I don't need to try that again and I did it every night of the festival and it never went well. So what was the joke? No, I won't say it on here. No, no, no, because we're going to do comedy explained on it. Go on, do comedy explained. We've got to comedy explain it. I actually can't remember.

If I think of it by the end of the pod, I'll say it. So here's a gig that I've always... Don't try and win. You just did it every night for a month and you're telling us you now don't remember. If I think of it by the end of the pod, I'll say it. So here's a gig that I've always... Don't try and win. You just did it every night for a month and you're telling us you now don't remember it. Yeah, but there's a lot of jokes that didn't work for a month. So the gig that I want to do is, you know, you'll have bits of material or jokes that you've written

over the years that you're positive are really good. You know, like you love the fucking joke. Yep. And you wrote it and you go, yeah, that's lovely. And even maybe I've got ones, if I'm really killing it at night, I'll put that towards the end of the set and just make it go well, like comedy games. Oh, willpower, yeah.

Like slide it just in between, a little mortar in between two big bricks. That's not – yeah. You can never open with it. No. You can never – if it's not going – but, yeah, a rare night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, you know, you're winning by ten goals. Yeah, yeah, and you throw it in.

Chuck on this kid for the last quarter. You do it. He's in a wheelchair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sit in the square, grab a mug, kick a few sausage rolls. So what I want to do is a gig and it's just comics in the audience. To be in the audience, you have to get on. Right.

Okay. So you've got to sign up to be on if you want to even get in the room. Yep. So ideally you'd do it maybe with 40 comics. Yep. And everyone does like two minutes. even get in the room yep so ideally you'd do it maybe with 40 comics yep and everyone does like two minutes like you know

and it's and it's this bit of material that you love but has never worked right great so you know one that you love that you're positive it's funny

yeah yeah yeah and it's just never fucking worked the one that you thought of in the shower and you picture yourself doing it and you're like this is the one fucking can't wait

this is the one that takes me to and then you turn up to the gig and you're all excited and you roll it out and in your head you're like my whole life's about to change yeah why is it yeah what's what's gone wrong maybe i believe too much and i know we're getting a bit very in inside comedy but it's that i've had that plenty of times where i've i've gotten up on stage and here it comes here's this joke yeah halfway through it and you go oh nah and you fucking bitch you bitch out and you don't finish it

you know when you bail on a halfway through and you just go I hate myself even more now even when you think the intro to it the premise of it is really funny even the set up is great and you do that bit and you're like look already it's not going how I pictured but I'll just keep saying the words and maybe by the time I get to the end

they will have woken up and realised what genius they're glancing upon. Nah. So what I want to do with this gig is everyone does it, they do it for a room full of comics and then people can say why it works or doesn't work. And then Will Anderson comes on at the end and does all the work. And does everyone's stuff and fucking kills. And it's his new show.

It's his new show. And then we're all shareholders in the show and we get a bit of the revenue. I can't wait. 2018 Will Anderson explained. It's going to be a great show. It's like willful appropriation. Yes. Whatever his show is like.

Willfully explained. Yeah, willfully explained. for whatever his show is like. Willfully explained. Yeah, willfully explained. That's very good. Well, speaking of when you were saying corporates, so I very rarely do corporate gigs. So I did one last week in Tasmania. The Apple Isle. Yes.

And the headliner was Jamal. Looks like a pussy. Is that actually the little thing on the decals down there on the number plate? The festival state Looks like a pussy Tasmania Looks like a pussy Tasmania, take a look at the map and tell us what you think

it looks like and then a winky emoticon It ain't a dick How far are we away from getting emoticons on the on the number plates oh five years i reckon oh you mean in terms of like customized plates i mean they're running out of letter and number combinations it's a popular misconception you just rearrange it now they go like letter number number yeah number number and now you've got still you're gonna run out of them at some point. Fucking mathematics.

There's 26 times 26 times 26 times 26. I've never heard this before. Licence plate truther. Wow, this is great. Anyway, there's lots of number plates. We're not going to run out. Right. But it could be a thing like

it could be a personalised number plate because we didn't run out. We didn't need to get them. I just got a fucking eggplant, man. Yeah. Who wants to get six eggplants as a number plate? Plenty of people, I think. I mean, the eggplant and then the spray of water.

That'll be the first one to be snapped up. Totally. So I did this gig and it was lovely because to me it just – I think the more popular this podcast gets, we tend to get a lot of listeners everywhere we go and it was funny that I did the gig and then just before I had to go on, the organiser just sort of went,

oh, by the way, I've got a friend that's obsessed with your podcast and she just wanted to know one question. Are you going to do duck sandwich tonight? So then after the gig, David Quirk, friend of the show, David Quirk was down there for business and he came along to the gig just to watch me really tough it out at this corporate gig and hung around at the end. And at the end, the organiser sort of got her phone out

and put it on FaceTime and got her friend that was this big fan and was like, oh, this would be really cool. Yeah, great. And so, you know, we did a bit of FaceTime and it's like, oh, you know, I did Duck Sandwich and oh, yeah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then I just went, oh, this will be a nice treat. I'll get a friend of the show, David Quirk in here.

Get him in the picture. I'm like, you know, David Quirk? And she's like, I've never heard of that person. Wow. Brutal. Just felt, it was even nicer than her requesting duck sandwich. Just, I don't know who David Quirk is. Don't put him in my FaceTime.

Really. A great trip to the apple aisle for you. Yeah. It really, really taught David Quirk a lesson about showing any moral support to you whatsoever. Totally. He won't do that again. No. No.

It's like he went down to back up a mate and he got punched in the cock. Yeah. That's all it was. Yep. That was a cosmic cock punch. What about this? So I'm not sure if you know about this, but we recently went to Thailand with this podcast.

I saw photos on Twitter. I haven't listened to any of the material. That's fine. But we did. We texted you asking you to come. We were going to pay for everything, but you just never wrote back. Real shame. You know me.

You know me. Would have been nice. It would have been lovely. The lovely listeners put in, funded this whole festival, the Koh Samui Podcast Festival. We made up a festival so we could headline it and get all the gigs ourselves.

We were the only podcast in the festival. So we went to the Thailand island of Koh Samui, had a brilliant time, had five days of shows and got a few podcasts and stand-up shows and everything out of it. It was awesome. Now, we actually gained some listeners

while we were there as well. Like, there were literally, we've talked about this, but like people were, like we'd be fucking around in the pool and people would swim up to us and sort of go, what are you guys doing? And we're like, oh, we're going to do, we're here for a podcast. Oh, all right, we'll come along to that.

And so we were gaining. Because it's that great thing of when comics hang out and to an outside observer it's like, how do these four people know each other? Everyone's different ages. Everyone's dressed very differently. It's like, who the fuck are these people? So there was a lot of people.

There was a girl that we talked about that had heard us on Triple J who was staying on the same island but the other end and then found out we were going to be there so moved her hotel over to be part of it. Yes. Great. Which is very funny because then she watched every show we did and then at the end when she flew out, she sent us a message.

She was at the airport going, yeah, listening to my first episode of Little Dumb Dumb Club now. Hope it's good. So when I flew out of Koh Samui, I flew out by myself and I flew out about a week after it all happened. I hung out and went to Koh Phangan and hung out a little bit more in Koh Samui. And then as I flew out by myself, I was waiting in line at the airport to to check in and directly behind me there was this couple and the lady just sort of looks at me and goes how'd the podcast go

and i was like great and i'm like looking at the people going who they weren't part of this like what's going on and i'm just looking i'm going good but who who are you and they go oh we were on the plane when you guys flew into Koh Samui. So we went originally from Melbourne to Singapore, changed planes, went Singapore to Samui. The whole plane was basically us and our enlistors. Right. So she was stuck in the middle of all these idiots

getting way too excited about getting to Thailand. It was basically like being stuck on a footy trip. Yes. Like, you know, if you were on the V-Line train with the rest of the footy trip. Yes. Fucking nightmare. Exactly.

So she was stuck in the middle of all of that sort of stuff and so they sort of vaguely knew all this stuff about us already, but having not been fans. So they were like, yeah, yeah, yeah, how did it go? And the lady goes, yeah, yeah, we'll have to. We heard all about it. We'll have to listen to it one day. I'm like, yeah, look, it'll have to, we heard all about it, we'll have to listen to it one day. I'm like, yeah, look, it's an acquired taste, it's not for everyone.

And so I reckon we talked about another minute as we're waiting and then somehow in conversation it slipped out that the husband just goes, yeah, we listened to a couple of episodes. I'm like, hang on a minute, one minute ago the wife said, yeah, we should listen to it one day. Now that is the classic move Of someone who's listened to something And gone

Nah Not going to talk about it Yeah Can't keep a lid on it But you know If you can't say something nice Exactly Lie about having not

Listened to the podcast Exactly So Then I started saying I don't want to talk to these guys About you know The podcast

They clearly weren't into it Or whatever So I just I'd rather talk about Costa Mui The island Koh Samui tour. Your second passion. Exactly. First, exactly.

A very point break of you. It's very just like, yeah, look, I don't want to talk about the robbing banks thing. I want to talk about the ocean of Koh Samui. Just quickly, Nazeem, are you cool if I have another one of these beers? Yes, I believe you are. So I was talking to them about Costa Mili and said – and I love talking about the restaurants and stuff over there, what's to do over there.

And I said, did you go to a place called Ninja Crepes, which we all went to, the podcast all went to, all the people? Oh, we saw that. We saw that. But then we went past it and you know what we found this other restaurant and we went to this other restaurant every night instead

every single night it was so good have you heard of a restaurant called Cafe 69 like you're joking absolutely I have and they just kept going on about

and we've talked about this this restaurant because it's got a huge neon 69 out the front which is beautiful because they kept talking about oh we went there every night

every night me and him went there every night and I just wait just quickly for Charlie's benefit it's got a big neon number 69 not the actual

mannequins involved in the act not an actual human sois on nerf yeah very nice high school friend yes

so they kept talking about yeah yeah we went together every night every night and just set up beautifully. And the conversation ended with me going, oh, dinner for two.

Fantastic stuff. That's like your life is a sitcom where, again, you're at the end of your trip and you're delivering the perfect punchline as you get on the plane to fly out of the country. Roll credits. That is great. After we left Samui, I went toietnam for a little bit and charlie

you're about to go uh overseas for a bit do you do you airbnb uh yeah occasionally okay yeah i reckon i'm about to give it up because when i first started using it it was great and then more recently the scale has started shifting a little too much and I've kind of had too many duds in a row. Yeah, right. Where I'm sort of like I think I'm done with this. So what was your per night cost? So I stayed in one in Hanoi that was just a real shithole

and I had to go down this like really dodgy like alleyway to get to it and just everything about it was like this is going to be really uncool to come back to late at night. And then the guy had to come and like let me in. And you know when the host has to come and let you in and they just hang around for too long? Yeah. He just kind of wouldn't.

He's like, yeah, there's the sink. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I've been in houses before. I can work all this out. And then he's like, oh, yeah, yeah. I've been in houses before. I can work all this out. And then he's like, oh, yeah. He was trying to get me to come back at 6 p.m. that night and help him fix the pipes in his kitchen. What? He's like, can you just be here at 6 to help me clean this out?

And I'm like, mate, I'm here for one night. I reckon at 6 I'm probably having dinner or beers or just doing anything else. I'm cleaning out other pipes for myself. Yes, yes, yes. I'm not here to do your pipes. Make no mistake, I will be making use of the plumbing later on if this food doesn't pan out.

But, yeah, it's like, man, beets by Dre are about 80 cents across the road. I can't imagine a plumber's too expensive. Yeah, so what were the reviews like? Well, this is the thing. Like, good, the reviews were really good, but you sort of realise, like, everyone kind of has different standards of, like, where they live.

Like, look at this house that you're in at the moment. I think this is cool to live in. You'd probably kill yourself if you had to live in here for a night. Not a night. That would be a little extreme it'd wear me down see i'd give this a four and a half i'd become pessimistic you went out to the toilet through the curtain what would you give this house out have you seen your bath yeah yes i know there is there is it like you want this coloration i've just got to say there's a discolouration. I've just got to say, there's a discolouration to your bathtub that suggests that you have disposed of a body using acid.

Like you've dissolved a fucking body at some point. You walked out there wearing your weekly jacket. You came back in without wearing it. It feels like you went to the bathroom and had to burn half your clothes up. Yeah, I can't wear the jacket again. You're talking about a bathtub that a former host of Q&A uses. So how about you fucking chill out? Oh, wow.

Tony Jones lives here. Yes. Has baths here. Yeah. Former and current. Right. But that's my – like, yeah, this place I just kind of – I just wasn't into it.

And I kind of thought, you know what, I'm done pretending that I'm not too much of a snob to not want to live in someone else's house. See, what is interesting to me is it's with respect to the younger folk in the world, it's like they haven't noticed that Airbnb has fucking B&B in the title. Right. And the fact of the matter is that B&Bs have always been

not quite as good as a hotel. Yeah. And the thing about a B&B is like you go like to the fucking Twigganberry Rosemary Cottage in fucking Daylesford, right, B&B or whatever. It's like the potpourri cup. I don't know. Like they've always got really twee names.

Like the potpourri and lace, you know. Cottage. Cottage. It's always a cottage or cabin. And you go there and it would be lovely if you had it to yourself. Yep. But there's always a couple there that live there and run the house. Yes.

And they're like, they're just in your business They're just around And who wants to be around more people when they're this age? That's right, yeah And it's slightly invasive and it's never quite as good And you always end up sharing a bathroom with someone down the hall And I think people haven't realised that the Airbnb angle is – it's not going to be as good as a hotel unless you –

like there are the fantasy fucking Airbnb options like, you know, they have on the front page. It's always like – it's a fucking – Rusty. What do they call the Airstream Caravan? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Silver Airstream Caravan gently resting on the buttocks of a supermodel and you go, alright, that's definitely, clickety-click,

oh, that's not available. I'm going to have a shitty apartment in Vietnam with a guy asking me to do plumbing. This is interesting. So when Airbnb launched, you Gen Xers, you knew all this and you just said nothing to us. You just said, let us learn this lesson by ourselves. I realise I got fooled because you're completely right.

You've got the B&B in it, but it's hidden by the fact you've got air at the start, which to me slightly – there's connotations with Air Jordans, which you go, oh, they're cool though, aren't they? Bit of a buzzword at the moment. It's the air. It's the cloud. It's the sky. It's ephemeral.

It's everything. Air Jordans, cool. Air B&B, wow, I might be able to dunk if I stay at this place. There's something nice about air at the start. Sorry, it's literally the most ubiquitous thing. It's literally the commonest, most basic fucking thing. Everyone in the fucking world has it. Everyone's got it.

No big deal. Air is no big deal. Well done Nike for making people think Air was special. Yes. That's a fucking brilliant bit of marketing. Yeah. As opposed to what other kind of Jordans, you know? Yeah, that's right.

Yeah. Like they had Air Max. Yes. Like, yeah. But it's fucking Air. Like that's the bare minimum of survival. Yeah. Like the band Air.

You may as well have just not given your band a name. No, but they were pretty fucking breezy though. Pretty breezy, yeah. They knew what they were doing. Yeah, they really knew how to work a fucking seat. As long as your band's not called A Vacuum, it's a given. So anyway, I have this pretty bad experience in my hotel in Hanoi. Side note, I ended up, while I was in Hanoi,

going out for drinks with the daughter of, or one of the daughters of Fiona O'Loughlin. And let me just say, the apple does not fall far from the fucking tree. Very funny, long stories. Good, funny, long stories, great narrative. The apple that falls from the tree. Oh, great, yeah, yeah. The apple that falls from the tree, Lots of punchlines. Oh, great, yeah, yeah. The apple that falls from the tree.

Was it made into cider as well? So anyway, I'm in that thing in Hanoi and I was booked in to an Airbnb in Ho Chi Minh, which was the last place I was going to be in Vietnam, and I look up the listing and I see that I've got – I can get it cancelled. It's one of those rare ones where you get everything back no matter when you cancel. And so I go, fuck this, I'm bailing and I'm just I can get it cancelled. It's one of those rare ones where you get everything back no matter when you cancel. And so I go, fuck this, I'm bailing and I'm just going to get a hotel. I end up finding a really nice hotel on like a last minute deal.

How much? How much did you pay? I think I paid like $120 a night for like a good hotel. $120 Australian? Yeah, $120 Australian on like a last minute website. And I go in and it's my first night there and it's like really, really nice. I'm like, fuck, I'm so glad I did this.

And I've just gotten into bed. It's like nearly midnight. There's a knock on the door and it's a guy from downstairs at the front desk. And he's like, you know, in like broken English, he's essentially going, oh, the security said they saw someone come up here. And I've kind of just started dozing off so I don't quite get

what's going on. And I'm like, oh, me? I just came up here and I've kind of just started dozing off so I don't quite get what's going on and I'm like, oh, me? I just came up here. And he's like, no, someone else. And I'm like, one of the other guests who's staying here or you or I don't and he's like, oh, because you're not allowed visitors. And I'm like, okay, cool. And then he's just looking at me and I end up having to go, I'm just going to close this door and go to bed.

And he's like, okay. And so I close the door and then I'm in bed. I'm like, that was weird. And I can hear some music and I'm like, where is this coming from? And I get up and I'm looking around my room and I realise the reason my room was cheap, it's got an adjoining room next to it and there's a door between us and the door is very thin and i can hear r&b music playing quite loud and i can hear two people talking a man and a woman and i can hear their

conversation and i and i realize oh this guy in the room next to me has gotten a sex worker and that's who came up here that who's the visitor that security saw. And so the guy who knocked on my door from the hotel, he thought he got the room wrong. So after about half an hour I hear the hotel guy come back up and he knocks on this guy's door and he's going, hey, look, you can't have a visitor in here. And he's putting on this big act. He's like, oh, but she's my good friend.

She's my good friend from Vietnam that I'm catching up with. And he's like, you can't, it's our hotel policy that you can't have a visitor staying in here unless you're married and you can show us a marriage license. Like, you're not allowed to have a local person as a guest in your room. And he goes, oh, but what if, you know, what if she was a guest of the hotel? What if she had a room here? And he's like, well, that would be fine. And he goes, okay, well, I'm going to go downstairs and sort this out.

So he goes downstairs, comes back up, and then I can hear everything through the wall. I hear him tell this woman, okay, it's fine now. So I've gotten you a room. You're a guest at the hotel now. And then the two of them get down to a little bit of celebrating. Wow. Sorry, that's from me and Mrs Chandlerphile.

Jesus. But yeah, so... Wow. So yeah, all this happens and I email them the next day because the thing was I was like full head of steam. I'm like, you have this policy that you can't have visitors in but all this guy had to do was just throw $110 at you. By the way Charlie, are you listening

to any of this or are you still thinking, that's like tape someone having sex. Yeah, well no, but this is my thing. I'm furious and I'm like that's it. And he's gone around a laborious fucking narrative to be able to play it. So anyway, what do you guys think of Airbnb?

What is the deal with Airbnb? Oh, oh, oh. I mean, is it good or what? That plumbing story didn't even fucking happen. This is it. Bomb squad. Punch up my story. Make it interesting.

I was waiting for the call back. I was waiting for it. So I booked in there for three nights. But then the night of that day I was... So I hear you need some help with the pipes. day I was so he needs some help with the pipes that would be a beautiful odd couple you and a Vietnamese dude with bad pipes in an Airbnb what a fucking sitcom we can't even really communicate with each other because of the language barrier but so this is the thing I get i get real shitty about this and i'm like this is so fucking bad and so i'm i'm kind of like i'm you know it's like when you're in the middle of being wronged you're kind

of like imagining yourself the next day and like here's how i'm gonna deal with this and that's why i recorded i was like i need evidence when i go and crack the shits at front desk and get that 120 of my mom's money back. I need fucking hard evidence. And then in the sober light of day I go, fuck, man, we don't speak the language. Me going down and explaining this story to them, they're not going to get it. It's not going to be helped by me whipping out a phone recording

of two people fucking. Like this ends in me in jail. Like I've probably broken some Vietnamese law by doing this. Probably is. And also it's not like you can take the fingerprints of that audio recording. That could be fucking anyone. That could be me jerking off.

How do you prove it? It's like, yeah, like playing it. It's like that is them fucking. That is them fucking. I'll prove it. You two, fuck. Now let's overlap the tapes. Look, you're making fun.

I'd had a few beers at the time and let me tell you, I felt like a regular fucking gumshoe for having that idea of whipping the phone out in the recorder. So you recorded it. I reckon you weren't so much private dick but public dick at that point. So you recorded that to use as evidence in a complaint. Yes, yes. Fucking unbelievable.

Did you have the iPhone like right up against that thin door? I was just in bed holding it up. Oh, right. That's how loud it was. Like I could hear it just from lying in bed. And with the other hand? I was writing down notes when I told the story on the podcast. So I end up emailing them and just basically saying like,

hey, I'm a guest here currently. This happened last night. I think it's a little shitty that you have this policy and then you're just prepared to flip on it that quickly. And then as I'm checking, nothing happens. And then as I'm checking out, the manager kind of grabs me and he's like, oh, can we have a word over here? And he's really upset.

Like he's really, really, you know, he's like, oh, I got your email. I felt so bad. I've been trying to call you but you've been out every time I've called and all this stuff. And he's like, look, so sorry. And I and i'm like here we go here comes a bit of fucking knocking the whole bill he's a bit of a dong discount sweet contra yeah and he but then he instead of that he turns around and he goes so look if you're if you're ever back here again or if you have any friends who want to stay here's my card here's my personal contact i feel like he

was nearly honestly he was like nearly crying Like he was very shaken by this. And he's like, yeah, anytime you, your friends, anyone you know that's over here, let me know and we'll take absolute care of you. Like we'll give it all on the house. So basically what I'm trying to say is I think we found the venue for the 2018 Podcast Festival, Carl. And the great thing would be I'd happily stay there again with our listeners because I know there's no way I'm hearing any of them

fucking. There's no way there's going to be any of that going on. Also, and we know the acoustics are great for recording. You can just record on a fucking iPhone. Clear as a bell. What I want to know is... You know what would be good as well? We can have a couple of podcasts, have a DVD recording or something.

We don't have to have the stand-up show. We can just have the live sex show next door. What the people, the listeners don't want the most, the stand-up show can be replaced by that. What I want to know is him going down to front desk at 1am to get her a room, how's that conversation going? Like, you know what I mean? Can I get a room now, please?

For you? Oh, no, they're not here. Do you want pool or street view? It doesn't matter. Yeah. Don't even really need a key, to be honest. Don't need a key. I'll take advantage of the second breakfast and that's about it.

If you don't ask to see a passport, I won't ask for a key. Yeah. Happy to do this with cash. Exactly, yeah, because that'll be the next thing, the passport trick as well. What do you mean? Well, generally you have to give the old passport over. Oh, scan the passport over, yeah.

Anyway. So I once – on the topic of scanning passports when you check into hotels. Yeah. So I don't know if you've – I was hoping that would segue into a story of you fucking someone in a hotel, but sure. Yeah, no, it's nothing like that. But I don't know if you've ever been to Israel. No.

They're really like a bit particular about security, right? They are a bit... I don't know. Things have been a bit tricky in the Middle East, right? Why did they mention that in The Lonely Planet? Yeah, it's pretty odd. Is that where... A lot of talk about shawarma and hummus.

Right. But it's... They're pretty... So not the Bali of the Middle East is what you're saying? Definitely not the Bali of the Middle East Is what you're saying Definitely not the barley Of the Middle East Or at times A bit like barley At times

Right Of the Middle East And I'm talking about Places exploding Yeah But Should we go there and do podcasts Yeah definitely

But what happened once was So they're like full on with security Like to the extent that Like there was At one point I went to a chemist Like I Walked from the hotel Two blocks down to go to a chemist and I showed my passport to get into the little mall to get into the chemist.

Right. And that's common. You get on a train, you show a passport. Oh, wow. Like pretty ironic too, Israelis checking papers on trains. I will say that. It's probably the smartest reference that's ever been said on this podcast. So anyway, that's the level that security is at,

is to go anywhere and do anything, you have to show your passport. So I lost my passport in Tel Aviv. How? How did I lose it? I don't know. I was out visiting like ancient Roman ruins and I – because you have to carry it with you everywhere. I was really looking forward to some cool Israeli nightclub

you were getting smashed at. Yeah, I reckon we're not getting the full story here. You've thrown in the ruins to try and impress us. Oh, yeah, throw us off the scent. This is like the plumbing of Dassault story. So I'm working for Mossad. But here's the funny thing is, so I lost my passport and I had to get, I actually had to get from Haifa,

which is about an hour and a half north of Tel Aviv, to Tel Aviv to the Australian embassy to get a new passport to get home. And it's actually a fucking precarious thing. That was like two trains and a bus and a taxi. And along the way I have to get the right size fucking photos taken somewhere, you know, like passport photos to go and get the thing done. And all I had was the printout of the scan of my passport from the hotel. Oh, right.

And it like literally at every step of the way, this is just talking about like how you have to show your passport at hotels. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It paid off because I had a printout of it. Right. But I got stopped by the military about eight different fucking times with a photocopy of a fucking passport. And are they buying the story of I lost it?

How? I don't know. Yeah. In the ruins. Because you sort of go, you're in the ruins. A passport would probably stick out from a big bunch of fucking stone. Yeah, you reckon. You reckon it would.

No, you sift beneath the surface of a Roman ruin. Nothing but passports. They were very big on photo documentation. But no, it was quite amazing just how much pretending to be really dumb and Australian can get you out of fucking trouble overseas. Just every step of the way, like I've lost my part, you know, this, and they look at it. They're going, yeah, man, I'm Australian.

And they go, oh, you fucking idiot. Go on. That's funny you say that. I reckon I've said that minimum five times every overseas trip I've been on. There's been a point where I'm just hands in the air going, I don't know, mate, I'm from Australia. Yeah.

Like I just think we have this world reputation as being the dumbest country. I've got to be right. Do you know what's fucking hilarious about it though? Like I'm something of an intellectual snob, right? Like I will admit that about myself. Like I am often like I wish the Australians cared as much about academic achievement as they did about football.

What a wonderful country we would be if people went to the opera as much as they like to, you know, just pick on minorities or whatever. Sure, you can't. Yeah, just so, you know, like I often bemoan the fact that we're not more of an intellectual sort of nation in our culture and what we champion. But the moment I get overseas, I'm happy to be, like pretend to be as dumb as fuck to get out of trouble.

You're pulling the old Australian version of Me No Reiki as much as you can. What are you thinking? Like what do you think that's down to? Like because I have the same thing in my head. I just think we're seen to be all idiots. Is that, am I thinking that that's just everyone has seen that Simpsons episode and thought that's fact?

I don't think anyone has seen that and thought it's fact. I've got a sneaking suspicion we might be a bit fucking thick. Like I'll be honest, like we're a convict colony. Yeah. And like admittedly, like if you read a bit about it, they weren't, like, murderers and rapists because they were hung. Like, they were killed. They were often, like, not quite political prisoners,

but there was one thing which is it was a crime to – it was called something like bearing false witness or something like that. But it's something almost like if you wouldn't dob in your family just because the crown asked you to. So if you showed loyalty to your family over the crown, then that was a crime at the time and there were some people that were brought out here that committed that crime.

And the one that gets talked about, which who knows how fucking true it was, but it sounds the most heroic. But the idea of stealing bread to – loaf of bread for your family. What about the crime of being great at comedy? Do you reckon that got you sent out here? Because I reckon that's where you descended from. Yeah. You reckon we're convicts that just fucking – you're out of riff.

You're out of riffy jiffy a bit That's it He's too good at a party Get him out of here Get him on the boat You ever notice When you're on a prison ship And you're fucking

Shitting You're passing You're shitting yourself out And you just fucking Shit for five days And almost die mate That ship would have been brutal Just 80 people

All thinking You're the most interesting person I don't want to know The first ever cruise ship comedian. Oh, you stuck with your audience after the gig. It's brutal. Do you know what would be amazing, I think, is if we heard, if we could hear the conversations on the first flight coming over here. Yeah.

Because I reckon their accents would be fucking wild. Oh, yeah. I reckon it would be barely intelligible. Like I've been to, like I've toured around, I lived in the UK for a year and a half. I toured around the UK. There were towns I was convinced were not speaking English. Right, yeah.

The accents are that thick. Yeah. And they've had time to work on their diction since 1788. They have access to the internet to know that they sound fucked contextually. Yeah. So I reckon everyone would have sounded like Brad Pitt in Snatch. Right.

Oh, yeah. Like, everyone would be, Dad, you're getting fucking brought to Snatch. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, Dad, why don't you fucking come to Snatch? Like that. And everyone like... Crossed with Captain Caveman.

Unintelligible. Yeah. It'd be pretty amazing. So anyway, that is where we come from. And I think it's possible that we... I think it's possible we're a touch unsophisticated. Nazeem, what do you reckon? Oh, man.

Like, you know, I don't mean to... But I don't mean to poo-poo our own country, Diversificated. Nazeem, what do you reckon? Oh, man. Like, you know, I don't mean to poo-poo our own country, but let's own the fact that we fucking joke about not trying too hard all the time. Like, it's a national characteristic. Yes, yes. There's not a lot of pride in a positive sense. There's no one going, you know what we do really well in Australia? Because I'm trying to think of an example now and I can't

really think of it. Who would have been the first person to be victim of tall poppy syndrome? Yeah. Like there would have been a convict who's just like, I'm turning my life around and I'm just getting on with this cunt. You see Steve, he's not shitting his pants. Fucking up himself.

Look at this. Who thinks he doesn't have scurvy? Look at him. Free. All right, guys. We've got to wrap this up for another week. Charlie, thank you so much for joining us. Always a pleasure, guys.

And I really like this is between now and the next time I'm on. Let's do an etiquette test yes of my politeness in getting back all right to text all right uh all right you i'll be screenshotting every text message i put on all sorts of social media and hold you fully accountable uh i was about to ask if there's anything that you care to plug but no the weekly is wrapped up for another season so uh you'll be coming back soon for a special. Yeah, we'll do a special at the end of the year. Watch Hard Quiz with Tom Gleeson.

Great, great. Watch that. It's good shit. Good fucking TV. Nazeem, what have you got? He says check out the latest menu at Elston Wink Nando's. Fantastic. Great.

Guys, thanks so much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates.