The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 352 - Nazeem Hussain & Ben Lomas

Episode Date: July 5, 2017

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Today on the Little Dum Dum Club, a brand new episode with Nazeem Hussain and Ben Lomas, question mark? Lomas definitely turns up to this one. Does Nazeem? We'll have to wait and find out. Yeah. We have some exciting news, don't we? Yes, very exciting news that we have been kind of hinting about for the last couple of weeks. We are going to be heading over. We've been invited to head over.

We could not be heading out over there without an official invite. That's how this festival works. We are doing a live little dum-dum club at the Just for Laughs Festival in Montreal. The prestigious invite only, the biggest comedy festival in the world. Totally. The one, the most star-studded. It's the one that everyone aims to go at. It's the number one comedy festival to go to in the world. Totally. The one, the most star-studded. It's the one that everyone aims to go at.

It's the number one comedy festival to go to in the world. And we are going. You're not allowed to, this is not a joke. And I'm sure people listening who haven't seen this on social media probably at this point think it's a bit. Because I don't think we, either of us, really know how to sound sincere when we talk. So even as I'm saying it's coming out of my mouth,

I'm like, well, this all sounds sarcastic. It's not. This is 100% real. If you go to the website, if you go to the Just For Laughs Montreal website, which is ha-ha-ha.com. Now that's a hell of a get. That's a hell of a get for them. What if we get ha-ha-ha.com.au?

That is tougher to get than carlchandler.com. I'll give them that. So if you go to that, you will find the evidence that, yes, we are in the same festival as Jerry Seinfeld, as Jim Carrey, as – David Spade. Yeah, all the big names. It's a pretty amazing get for us. We're pretty stoked about it.

It's going to be a fun trip. So for people – we know the people in Canada listen. So we know that maybe you might have to travel a tiny bit. But we'd love you to come because we do have a big haul to fill. Even if it's a bit inconvenient for you to get to, it's way more inconvenient for us to get to. So factor that in. Yeah, we'd love if you're anywhere near Canada,

if you're anywhere within Canada, we see the stats. There are plenty of you in Canada. If you all came, it would be a full house. If you have friends over there that you could recommend this to that might end up being able to go, you've got a few, three weeks or something until we're there. That would really help us out a lot and make us not look like fucking idiots in front of this festival

who've invited us over. Exactly, exactly. So it's Saturday, July 29 at the Hyatt, I believe, at midday. Yeah. The prime time for comedy. Exactly. Comedy o'clock. So come along to that.

And because we're in the biggest comedy festival in the world, we're bound to have big guests. We're definitely going to put on a lovely show for you Canucks. At the very least, eccentric Serbian billionaire Milan Krencevic is going to be in attendance. He's confirmed as attendance in the audience, so that's a pretty big get. Yeah, so we can all go out afterwards, and i'm sure there'll be there'll be plenty of flowing

alcohol if you want to offset the cost of your trip going down there from somewhere else in canada just keep that in mind i'm not promising that that's what's going to happen that feels like we are abusing the powers of our eccentric serbian billionaire um so man but amazing stuff amazing stuff that we've been you, for all the complaining that we do that we never get anything, we've got the fucking jewel in the crown. And, you know, not to be too overly sentimental, but it's all because of you guys listening every week and telling your friends and recommending it to people

because if this show hadn't gotten bigger and bigger over the years, well, then we would not be on their radar at all. Totally. So, thank you very much. This is a win on their radar at all. Totally. Yeah. Totally. So thank you very much. This is a win for all the little guys out there. Yeah. Yeah. You do your work and make us bigger and bigger.

We get better guests. Yeah. We pull our finger out and go, fuck, we better make this show good. Yes. Yes. So everyone wins. Now, of course, because we are doing that, because we are making the big trip into the Northern Hemisphere to do that, we've sort of decided, well, we should make this worthwhile for ourselves

and for the listeners that are there as well. So, look, we are attempting at the moment to do a live podcast on each coast of the Americas. In LA, we are now confirmed to do a show in Los Angeles. Yes, Saturday, August the 5th at 2pm at a venue in Silver Lake. If you get on our website, I'm sure we'll have details up there by now. Yeah, again, if you're in the LA region or you're around there and you can make the trip or you can recommend people nearby to come make the trip, we would really appreciate

it. That's going to be really, really fun. And we've put out little things on social media lately to sort of see, to scope out where people live and stuff in America. It seems like there's plenty of you that are near or around LA, so even if you have to make a trip or anything, that would be much appreciated. Again, it's a Saturday afternoon, so we'll be

kicking around doing stuff afterwards. Totally. If you want to make it worth your while to come down, we'll be hanging out afterwards for sure. And we've got plenty of sweet contacts in LA, so we will be trying our best to get some excellent, excellent guests. Now, like I said, keep an eye on the website because it is pretty short notice really for these sort of shows. So please do your darndest to get all your shit organised to come along.

And we don't have the info for you quite yet, but we are doing our absolute best to confirm a New York show as well. So hopefully, fingers crossed, that will happen. Sometime in that week between Montreal and LA. So yeah, keep that. Very early, very early August. First week of August, please. If you're in and around and can make plans to get near New York,

that would be awesome. We'll be playing small venues, but we'll be trying to fill them up with all you lovely people. And especially the people we haven't met before, we'd love to meet our American listeners because that's faintly surreal to us, isn't it? Yeah, it's great. To have listeners from overseas, we'd love to hang out.

There's someone from New York who came to the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival and that from Thailand, from New York, I think is a pretty brutal flight, both cost-wise and time-wise. Fuck, I hope she's got something else on the day that she can't be bothered turning up to. so she'd spent all that money to get there and then i i had to say i had to message her and go hey look i'm sorry but this probably isn't what you want to hear having just gone to great lengths to come see us in thailand because you thought that was your best

chance but surprise we're gonna be around the corner from your house in less than a month she got ripped off she had to go to an amazing island paradise for a week. Brutal. Absolutely got tinned. Here's what I reckon we should do while we're there. I reckon we should do an episode of us, the trip style, going around to all the different fast food joints and recording ourselves in there and putting together an episode of that. Us reviewing all the different burgers over there.

What do you think about that? Sure. People like the one where we went looking for Matthew Delvedova. Exactly. To be honest, we could do it. We could go looking for heart disease. We could go looking for Delvedova over there. What do you think about that? Sure. People like the one where we went looking for Matthew Delvedova. Exactly. To be honest, we could do it. We could go looking for heart disease. We could go looking for Delvedova over there as well. Yes.

Yeah. Not bad. NBA basketballer. Not bad. So we could totally do that. And yeah, so we've got one or two weeks in the Americas. First time we've been there for about five years or something. So it's going to be very exciting.

I'm really – yeah, I'm really, really, this is not something that I thought would be happening this year. It kind of very much came out of the blue. But yeah, what a pleasant surprise. Totally. And all thanks to the Just for Laughs Festival in Montreal, the biggest thing there is. Now, on top of that,

I know we've been promising this for a long time, but Sydney, we are about to confirm, I'm sorry, it's going to happen. Just get on the social medias. Middle of September. Don't go anywhere. Yeah. Middle of September. Yeah.

Do that. One way or the other. If you live near Montreal and you can't make it to the Montreal Just for Laughs Festival, take the quick flight over there to Sydney and we will have a show mid-September. So just pencil that whole big chunk of your calendar right now. Yeah. Awesome. Now, of course, we've got the merch for sale.

Oh, and no, but what we do need to say is that August the 26th in Brisbane. Oh, of course. Us doing our stand-up shows back-to-back and then doing what looked like it was initially just going to be a little mini episode of the show, just sort of you and me live. Yeah. But now there are enough people in town that I think it's probably just going to be a normal full live episode. Yeah.

So people have got your tickets already, which all of you nearly have. Like it's nearly sold out. Yeah. This has sold quicker than I think maybe anything we've put on before. We put this on and then within a day it was like. Fully justifying doing the second episode in Brisbane and only doing one episode in Adelaide this year. Yes. Yes.

So, yeah, we're sorry, Brisbane. Yeah. People were saying you've got to treat us with more respect. We'll show you a good time. You know, like the guy that comes onto the scene that meets this girl and is like, nah, your boyfriend's shit. Leave him and go with me.

We get it now, okay? Your dick is way bigger. We get it. Oh, we're enjoying being pounded in our little buttholes by you, Brisbane. Thank you so much. So, by the time this comes out, it could be sold out. It's like literally nearly sold out in less than a week. Yeah, crazy. Go and get, like we said, we now have the info,

we have the intel that we're going to have some sweet guests in town that week so we can do a proper episode. Yeah. So come along to that. It's going to be stand-up. You know, the thing that you love, the podcast, and the thing that you have no real opinion about, our stand-up. Well, I mean, yeah, we needed, I'm pushing for us to not,

to scrub all this sort of talk from the show because we both heard consistently over the comedy festival people doing the right thing, coming along to our solo shows and then getting to the end and going, wow, that was really good. I was surprised because all you do is talk on the show about how shit your solo shows are. I was surprised that they were actually good. So, yeah, that's going to be a really fun afternoon.

Saturday, August the 26th, starting at 3 in the afternoon. I think I'm going to try and record it as a little comedy album. I think that's my plan. Okay. Yeah. I've never done – because you've had little albums and stuff like that before. I've put little albums out, yeah. Yeah, your little singles of your comedy out.

Yes. Yeah, I'm going to do it. I think I'm going to do it. I think that Brisbane, they're a sweet enough crowd that it, yeah? Yes. Yeah, I'm going to do it. I think I'm going to do it. I think Brisbane, they're a sweet enough crowd that it doesn't matter what shape my show is in, it'll just sound good. Yeah, get yourself on Spotify. Yeah. You get a lot of accidental listens on Spotify.

It's nice. Oh, really? Are you on Spotify? I'm on Spotify. Oh, okay. Well, maybe I'll do that. There's a hot tip for you, folks. If you were not aware, you can get one of my comedy albums on Spotify.

Or you can go and get it from Bandcamp and I actually get a bit of money out of it. Yeah, you don't get anything from Spotify. I think the way it works is every now and then you get like 10 cents. Right. Like you do get something, but it's not a good deal. But it also means that people, if anyone just wants to hear you, they can, which is cool. Yeah, go on Bandcamp. We actually have a couple of episodes.

That's the weird thing. We've got a couple of episodes on Bandcamp, don't we, that aren't in the official canon that we didn't ever put in there? Yeah, well, the very first year that we did live shows at the Comedy Festival, we sort of thought, well, if people are paying to come to this, they should have to pay for them online as well. So somehow we managed to do live episodes every week

during the Comedy Festival but also do regular studio ones so that we kept our regular feed up and we could just afford to use those live episodes to charge people for. And then I think every year after that we went, why the fuck did we do that? It's way too much work. Yeah, yeah, totally. But yeah, there's an episode with Kumail Nanjiani.

There's an episode with John Safran. There's an episode with Tony Martin. There's an episode with Andrew O'Keefe. Yeah. Andrew O'Keefe isn't part of the official canon of the show. Yeah, we should make that a bit more public. There's a lot of people that

we always talk to the people that sort of go we just got into you and now we've listened to 150 episodes in a week. Well there's these ones that are hidden away guys with big guests. So maybe we'll put a link on the social medias this week and remind people that that's where those things are.

And while we're sizzling things and talking about the band camp, a certain special event may be appearing on band camp in the next couple of weeks that I know a lot of people have been clamoring for. It is a little, now you've come up with this idea, it's a little bit of a fundraiser instead of us doing what we did with the Coastal Movie Podcast Festival and getting on our hands and knees and sucking little Dickie for money to go over there. I didn't do any of that. Okay.

Sorry. I thought that was you of that. Okay. Sorry. I thought that was you. That must have been someone else. People just gave it to me for recording podcasts over there. You had to sucky Dickie? My bad. Sorry. In two ways.

So we are doing a little bit of a fundraiser, I guess, in that we did the big comedy roast of Dilrub Jai Singer earlier in the year and we did record it. Oh, I was just saying that as like a little hint and going to leave it at that, but you're just giving out all the details. Okay, cool, fine. Okay. No, we can put it out there. Alright, alright. Well, it's coming up. It's coming soon. You are currently working on the edit?

Yeah, I'm working on the edit, which is already brutal. Yeah. Yeah, so you're working on an edited version, so if you couldn't make it out there, for all you people that were screaming they couldn't make it or it was sold out and you couldn't get in, there will be a very edited version of it for sale coming up soon.

Yeah, on Bandcamp and we are going to use that as a bit of yeah, that's going to go towards funding us doing stuff in the States and man, I'm just I'm only just through editing the intro and it's already making me laugh a lot. Right. It's really good.

Great. And look, while we're doing this, let's go the whole hog, a tiny little preview. We are not doing – we're doing one more live one in Melbourne for the rest of the year, I reckon, and it is a big, big one. Now, last year we had our big 300th episode and we had like 500 people come and we got a special venue to make that happen. We are in the latter, latter planning stages of making that happen again. So if you're planning to be in Melbourne in October,

we are doing a massive show. And it's not our 300th episode. It's not a milestone episode. But we have a little plan that's going to make it just as big. And we've got a strong feeling that you guys are going to be like, fuck, we cannot miss this one. Yeah, a special event. A special event where I reckon it could go off the rails

and there'll be a lot of stuff that won't make it to the final edited version. My favourite thing to happen for the live show. So a thing that you want to be there to see all the bits that get cut out because it's going to get a bit sideways, I think. Those shows that mean me having a really fun Saturday or Sunday night and then a really shitty Tuesday afternoon. Yeah.

All right, while we're sizzling up things and letting stuff out of the bag, I personally believe that George W. Bush orchestrated the events of 9-11. Wow, and what dates that on? 9-11, fuckhead. Where can I buy tickets? All right, Patreon. Patreon. Yeah, all that stuff. Yeah, keep it on the social media, littledumbdumbclub.com for tickets and all that kind of stuff.

Patreon, thank you to everyone who chips in and contributes and helps us fund doing this little show. You get special rewards like a bonus episode, a magazine that we just sent out, and also your name gets read out and ridiculed at the start of each episode. Not me. I love all the names. Here they come. Let's do, this week, let's do five.

Okay. Okay. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Karen Rhodes. Oh, I thought it was going to be Cody. No, it's not. Instead, it's Karen Rhodes. Well. Well, how many roads must a woman walk down before she gives us some of her money?

Oh, that's very nice. I was going to go with, well, she sounds like a real Rhodes scholar because you'd have to be smart to give us money. It is a very intelligent move. She's taking the road less travelled. Actually fucking chipping in instead of getting this for free every week. Very nice. Very nice.

Thanks, Keza. Thanks for sharing your name with Nick Cody's mum as well. Yeah. Thanks, Karen. Thanks, Kez. Thank you to patreon subscriber sean rankin i've seen this name pop up a bit online and i love it rankin i like i like the word rank yeah really went through a big kind of renaissance period maybe three or four years ago yep and uh i'm such a fan of it just referring to someone's behaviour as rank or someone as looking rank, it's really good.

How would you use that word within, like, by saying ranken? Could you use that in an insult in that way? How do you do it? Could you say, oh, instead of saying, oh, that guy looks rank, you go, oh, that's smelling a bit ranken. Could you do that? That seems to me like possibly it could be like a British thing. You know, like you say, there's like calling someone a minger.

Yeah. But then you can sort of say, oh, she's real minging. Yeah. So if anyone was going to do it, I reckon it would be those crazy old Brits. Yeah, they've got a very English sense of humour over there, don't they? Those wacky poms. All those govs and chavs and bruvs and lads. Them and their class system and their, you know,

they're an odd sort over there. What's that old bitch getting up to in Buckingham Palace? What's that all about? Oh, she's still doing that. Yeah, right. She's done it again. She's doing it again. Yeah, we have been hit up by a few English listeners lately.

I love their reaction when we were talking about going to America. It's like, oh, it's cool. So are you going to do a live podcast in London as well? Are they the same places? Well, I mean, this will be the next. It's like any time you announce we go to a new place, it's like, you know, we were getting kind of Canberra and Tasmania in equal measure, like requests. And then we book in.

We did Canberra last year. And then now that's like that's just made the Tasmania people more vocal. Yeah. Like, they can't believe that we would go there. Yeah. Both of them. Yeah. Yeah.

Canada and now New York and LA, I really predict in the next few months, all the bruvs are going to come out of the woodwork and we're really going to get a lot of the British kind of really at our throats over this. I reckon we're going to get a lot of, any week now we're going to get a lot of the British kind of really at our throats over this. I reckon we're going to get a lot of, any week now we're going to get people in Koh Samui wanting us back. Yeah. Mainly the resort staff and the pub owners that made a lot of money off it. Boy, I would love, I would love the Japanese to come out.

Just any excuse to go back over there, that would be my dream. Thanks, Sean Rankin. Thanks, Ranko. Thank you too. Now, look, this is someone very much angling to get a good mention on this by withholding. Look, now, this might be their real name. I've just got a feeling that it's not their real name.

I love these big laughs. Yep. Apologies to this person if this is your real name. And if it is, man, you have picked the podcast to listen to. Okay, great. Thank you, too to Wes Gate. Wes Gate. I mean, I always, you know me, I give things the benefit of the doubt

because I often get, you're very cynical. Am I being too cynical about this? But you, in general, you're like, no, that wouldn't be the case. I always like to, until I have hard evidence in front of me, I think it's more fun to live in the reality where it's like this could be real. Yep. Like I love – I'm a bit glass half empty.

I'm a bit – you know what? I'll be completely honest. I think this guy has just made up a name to sound like Westgate to tickle our fancy. I mean, look, that's a very fair assumption. But I mean, look, the name Wesley, that's a name. People are called Wesley. It's not like Gate is this like absurd, you know, like an absurd name.

I don't think I've ever heard Gate as in the single Gate. I've heard Gates. Gates, yeah. Single. That's the real thing that's putting me off this name. Right, right. So even if it was Wes Gates, you'd be's the real thing that's putting me off this name. Right, right. So even if it was Wes Gates, you'd be like, you wouldn't even be making that connection.

You'd be going, oh, is this a descendant of Bill Gates? Wouldn't have questioned it for a second. Right. Would have gone, totally, that can happen. If someone had put Wesley Gates, I probably would have slipped through and I would have noticed. I reckon you wouldn't have either, yeah. Yeah, I mean, but it's also, it's kind of an ironic use of a name

because, like, by giving us money, you're making us less likely to want to jump off the West Gate. Off you. So it's kind of, also you think it's the actual bridge itself. Maybe. Has become sentient and dipping into its bank account. I think maybe there's a toll up there now. There's a toll bridge up there and we're getting that money.

Yeah, the West Gate's free to drive over, so I don't know how it has any kind of... Maybe we just get what's left on, you know, some of Piff's off the side and we get whatever money's been left on the highway. You've just reminded me of this. I had an Uber driver recently who was telling me that I was... You know, Uber drivers love telling you when you're the last fare of the night. Oh, yeah. You ever have that where they're like getting all wistful and they're like...

Don't take a lot of Ubers. Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah, you didn't know how to use it until about two months ago. Yeah. He was getting, he was very like, because apparently it does something where you can say to the, if you're a driver, you can say to the app now, hey, I'm trying to head home and I live here. So it sort of automatically only finds you fares that are taking you

gradually, incrementally to your home. So he's like, yeah, you're it. And then, yeah, I'm going to drop you off in the city. And then he starts getting all wistful about what he's going to do when he gets home. And he's like, then it's just, you know, I drop you off and then I just head through the city and then straight over the West Gate. I'm like, oh, say no more.

The final destination. You really are the final passenger. Yeah, yeah, that's great. You put into Uber, I want to kill myself. And it's like, all right, I'm just going to send you sort of dock lands and then if you get one, maybe footscray near there, but otherwise that's just it. And then you hear him go, actually, I might not drop you off.

I might just take you with me. You just have to leap out the window at the little KFC at the foot of the bridge. Great. So he's like, what do you do for a living? I'm like, comedy. And he's like, oh, you're definitely going to want in on this. Yeah, what did you do for a living? Well'm like, comedy. And he's like, oh, you're definitely going to want in on this. Yeah, what did you do for a living? Well, thanks, Wes.

Thanks, Wes. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Christopher Moore. Chris Moore. He's giving us some more of that sweet old Chris dollars. More, more, more. How do I like it? How do I like it? A lot.

Is it? Just another entry. It's my new character, Weird Tommy. That is a song that you're taking off though, isn't it? Yeah. Is it an ad or a song? I think it's a song that they've used in an ad. Oh, okay.

All right. I'd like you to introduce some more song parodies into this podcast. Really? Yeah. It's a game that you and I do quite frequently when we're hanging out together, but the content of the parody is often very much unbroadcastable. Believe it or not, we are worse than what we do on the podcast off the podcast. I remember the other day, us last year driving to Canberra and back over a weekend,

and it was that great – I haven't had this – I don't think I've had this since, but when you spend a very long period in someone else's company and a long road trip is great for this, where the last two hours are just absolute delirium. Just filth, unmentionable just obscenity, and often it doesn't even make sense. It's just being rude for the absolute sake of it. But whatever you say, it's killing to the whole car

it's really you just and you can't manufacture it in any other way it really just has to be 10 hours locked in a room in a small vessel with other people

it was a lot of fun yeah it's we could have died but it was fun yeah thanks Chris Moore thanks Chris

alright is this the last one this is yeah this is number 5 I believe yeah this will be the last one? Yeah. This is number five, I believe. Yeah, this will be the last one for today, I guess. Okay, sure. So I'll just decide upon one.

Again, do what you always do. Just reach into the bag and pull one out at complete random. Just put the random name generator. Just hit shuffling. Yep. Hit shuffle now. Beep, beep, boop, boop, boop. Yep.

Oh, we got one. All right, cool. Okay, great. What's come up? Randomly, what's come up? Randomly. Let's see if I've just... You know what?

I've just got to double check this because on first glance, it could be a mistake. Well, I mean, it's just random. I mean, there could be a bug in the system. Yeah, well, that's what I'm thinking. Yeah, yeah. You've got to double check because this is people's money we're playing with now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is not just making up bullshit.

You don't want to take this for granted. Yeah. You know, plenty of people complain that their names haven't been read out yet. It'd be a shame if one slipped through that wasn't meant to be read out at the expense of someone else. Somehow a mistake was made and this wasn't even a real name. Okay, sure. So we want to get it right.

If you check the random name generator that sifts into all the names and picks one out completely out of the blue, completely at random, there's no favouritism here or anything like this. Well, as soon as you're cool to give the go ahead. Yep, got it. Great. Well, I've now checked it three times. Okay.

So that's generally, I think that's a good test. The rule of three. Yep. Okay, thank you to the final Patreon subscriber for this week. Thank you to full, I'll just go the full name. Thank you to Comedy Comedy. A person called Comedy Comedy with a little detail here. This is Uncle Comedy and Steve's adopted African kid.

Okay. Yeah. So that is – I see now why you needed to verify. Yeah, because Comedy I didn't think was a first name, but it's an African name apparently. So that's – And they had to translate it from like the cliques and the local dialect.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure. It's literally the bloke off the... The gods must be crazy. Yes. He got hit in the head with a Coke bottle and went, fuck, I better listen to the little dum-dum club. The gods must love comedy.

Yeah. So is this like a sponsor child that they have or have they flown... Have they kind of brought it over and it lives with them now? Well, it doesn't say sponsor child because that would mean that we would be sponsored – we would be their sponsor child as well. So the UNICEF money just goes back to us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I quite like that as an idea.

A bit of world vision cash. Yeah. No, well, from what I'm reading here, it's an adopted child. So they're obviously here as well. It's rare that people donate and then also give you a bit of their life story. It is rare. Yeah, I didn't even know Patreon had a comments box where you could leave stuff like this.

But what you're telling me, it sounds like, I mean, you kind of run it, so I've never properly looked into the system. Yeah, it is weird. I mean, we are getting a lot of detail from this particular family. We don't get a lot from the others, but maybe this is the only family that's found that little content box because we found out that Uncle Comedy has a gay husband, Steve.

A gay husband, Steve. Yeah. That was it. I mean, I must say that was a weird one because it was like just a week before. I didn't think it was weird. I think it's natural. I'm for it. No, I'm just saying it's a weird – like the universe,

the world works in mysterious ways because if you remember a week before that, The world works in mysterious ways because if you remember a week before that, I was kind of speculating about Uncle Steve's sexuality and his marital status and then as if some divine force upstairs, as if a great man upstairs was listening in. As if a Coke bottle from the sky hits you in the head. As if some higher power was listening in. Some crazy God. Yes, answered my questions a mere week later. I mean, you couldn't write this in. Some crazy God. Yes.

Answered my questions a mere week later. I mean, you couldn't write this stuff. No, you couldn't. You couldn't write it well anyway. You should be ashamed of yourself if you had. But, you know, it just goes to show the generosity in some people. Like, you know what? This African kid has been brought over and now he's dipping into the pocket already.

I mean, he's gone from not even being able to find clean drinking water to having enough disposable income to sponsor it. Well, first of all, enough money to get a phone to listen to a podcast on and then enough money to sponsor that podcast. Two years ago, he was probably begging for a fucking well and now a mere 24 months later he's in a different continent, he's got enough disposable cash to be sticking our way. And this did come in in cash, this isn't like he's passed on one of those

goats that UNICEF said. No, no that is it. No, no, no. Although, hey, maybe that could be that might be another one down the line, who knows some kind of I don't want to say it out loud just in case it does happen. But hey, let's just mentally note that one,

that that might come up in the future. If a goat turns up on our doorstep in the future, that would be interesting. All right. Well, thanks, Comedy Comedy. Yep. Thank you. And again, a big shout out to all the family,

Mr Comedy, Mrs Comedy, Master Comedy, Little Miss Comedy, Uncle Comedy, Uncle Comedy's gay husband Steve, Rebecca Jones Comedy and Mittens Comedy the comedy cat. And Grandma and Grandpa Comedy. Grandma and Grandma Comedy, yeah. They've done it

again, simply. They've all done it again. Quite simply they've done it again. So, yeah, thanks to them. And the rest of you guys out there. And any potential family members that may step forward in the future. Yes, yes. Thanks to all of you. Little Dum Dum Club.

Oh, no, wait. Patreon.com slash Little Dum Dum Club. Yep. Or you can find all the links, littledumdumclub.com. For those of you that chip in on Patreon, we sent out the magazine and bonus episode for last month, just the other day. Yep. We are about, we've been talking about it on the show. We are, I think in the next couple of days,

we are going to do a commentary recording for the movie The Founder, starring Michael Keaton, the story about how McDonald's came to be founded. We're going to do that with some great guests so that we're going to, you know, we'll dick around a bit before the movie and then we'll talk shit over the top of the movie and you can sync it up or hopefully it will just be funny enough to stand alone. Yep.

Up to you. Self-contained. So, yeah, if you want that, get in for the next month. No, no. Oh, it's not time. No, I think that's literally that's going to the people who have already signed up already. Oh, okay.

Well, then presumably if you want to get on board now, you'll get the next month's stuff which will more than likely be something that we do in the States while we're there. So, yeah, if that's the kind of thing that you want to hear, yeah, get on that. And that, again, is all going to help fund the trip and all that sort of stuff. That might be some of that aforementioned burger review material maybe

or something like that. I feel like the burger's going to be good enough for the main fee. But we'll see. But we'll do something. It'll be something. Maybe us getting into a punch-on with someone dressed as Elmo in Times Square yeah look we're in New York we're in LA we're in Montreal there's gonna be a lot of cool people that we can talk to we'll go do a bonus episode with we'll interview some rappers who are handing out their demos on um on uh the Star Walk we'll

go all the way over there and just do the bonus episode with Milan uh all right guys thank you uh for chipping in and all your support. So, yeah, come down to all those live dates. Montreal, LA, Brisbane. Keep an eye out for Sydney and New York and Melbourne and other stuff beyond that. Enjoy this week's episode with Nazeem Hussain and Ben Lomas. Thanks. Hey, mates.

Welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week. Thank you so much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. And sitting across from me, as always, the other half of the show, my comedic foil, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. Wow, the whole room was really revving you up there. That was exciting.

That was great. You can't hear it at home, but we were all trying to actually pump each other up. Yeah. So it's going to be a real good episode. Yeah, it was like you'd pulled into the pit stop and they've put the new wheels on the car and everything and then they're just kind of like pushing you out of the gate. Yeah, my pit crew. My pit crew are fucking right behind me today.

Very quickly, I got a text message. I actually got it a little while back. I should read it out. I've been given a little bit of information. A while back on the show, there was a bit of a running thing about my website, how I lost the right to my website and became taken over by, I don't know who,

but they were selling fake Air Jordans. Now, when you say lost the rights, it makes it sound like there was some kind of fierce bidding war that went on. It wasn't that at all. After being told by strangers for months, hey you'd better lock this down. All of a sudden. I lost it.

Yeah, you proposed to your girlfriend you only had room for one commitment that month. The website had to fall by the wayside. Yeah, so it got lost into the ether and hackers or who not hackers, just spammers took it over. Stuff like that. Squatters, internet squatters. spammers took it over, stuff like that. Squatters, internet squatters.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. So someone's texted me to say, hey, while Carl Chandler.com, because I end up buying CarlChandler.com.au. Actually, well, I tell a lie. Someone else bought that. So, yeah, CarlChandler.com was a fake Nike's website for a bit. Then, yeah, someone bought.com.au and they were fucking with you for a bit. They were putting a link to the Westgate and they would change where it redirected to every month.

Whatever we talked about on the show, they'd make a little homage to that. I think it went to Dilruk's website at one point. Went to his Facebook, stuff like that. And then eventually they kind of let you off the hook and they gave it over. And I met the guy and he was very nice about it. I met the guy who squatted on it there for a while and gave me the site. So anyway, I've still got a feeling that he, because I'm not fucking smart enough, I'm pretty sure he could still just get logged into that account and take it back.

Oh, I'd say definitely that's what can and will happen at some stage. So I get a text, not from him, but from someone else doing a bit of searching on my behalf. And the text goes, well, Carl Chandler.com is still $9,888 because they're now charging an obscene amount of money. Because once they know that you want it, then it's like, yeah. So it's still $9,888. They're looking out for me. They're giving me alternative things, offers.

If I want to get it, BrettChandler.com is only two grand. Yeah? Yeah. So that's only two grand. So as long as legally changing your name from Carl to Brett, as long as that's less than seven grand, you're still coming out on top. Yeah, yeah.

That sounds like a good option. Yeah, yeah. Well, see, that's two grand. Or the other option, this is even more cost effective. Yes. Juliechandler.com is only $3.50. Well, but is it? Because you've got to factor in gender reassignment surgery as well,

plus the name change and everything. Here's an interesting thing. Okay, that's a good point. Maybe I shouldn't do this. If you get gender reassignment surgery, do they throw in the name change as part of it? Or is that an extra thing that you then have to do? Because surely, you know, you're getting the whole swap around.

I don't reckon that that's a hospital-related thing, so I'm going to say no. If you want it to be competitive as a hospital, you just chuck that in. Yeah, well, you know, let us know if you work at a hospital out there and you do that, or if you've taken that on as an idea, please let us know. Well, speaking of which, today on the show...

Hang on, I haven't got to the end of the... Oh, there's more to go. There's more to go. There's more to go. There's more. Okay. So he's given me the two options. I just don't see how I can get funnier than that, but I'm about to find out. Yeah.

Listen and learn. So there's Brett Chandler. There's Julie Chandler for $3.50. And as he says, even with a deed poll costs, that is a bargain. And if all else fails, drdrramsey.com is only $15. Great. But that's, again, you've got to go and get a doctorate. You've got to do it twice.

A doctor doctorate. Yes. Fuck, that's a cheap domain name, drdrramsey for $15. Yeah, that's not bad. Compared to carljournal.com for $10,000. Whoever's squatting on that one clearly hasn't listened to this podcast and heard how much we've talked about Dr. Dr. Ramsey in the past. Get on that.

Get on DrDrRamsey.com. Someone get it. Well, speaking of gender reassignment surgery, today on the show two of my former favourite female comedians. First of all... Who said there's not enough diversity on this podcast? If you've ever enjoyed... If you've ever been, you know, talking back and forth with your mates

and you've been enjoying the kind of the loose atmosphere or if you've ever enjoyed, if you've ever been, you know, talking back and forth with your mates and you've been enjoying the kind of the loose atmosphere or if you've ever laughed at something, odds are you've been enjoying the work of this man, the creator of both riffing and comedy. Please welcome Ben Lomas. Comedy! Thank you very much, gentlemen. Is that like the bat signal?

If someone just screams, comedy, do you appear? Well, when you have a PhD in comedy. Oh, you are Dr. Dr. Comedy. I am Dr. Dr. Comedy. What do you think of our intro? We were doing some riffing just there. Yeah, there was some great riffing, a bit of back and forth, and then you just tapped on and you got some comedy.

We finally got there. Yeah, you got some riffing comedy. Also, today on the show, I cannot wait to see if he's actually turned up this week. Please welcome, you know him from I'm a Celebrity, get me out of here, Nazeem Hussain. Thank you very much. Well, I don't even know if I should be thanking you or you should be thanking me. But last week, you're laughing about it now. And then.

You're laughing about it then. But basically what you guys did was, you know, it's all fun and games when you're doing it. But I think, you know, now that a week has passed, you probably look back at an episode and thought, you know what? We probably crossed some lines there. You did commit defamation. And the subsequent kind of fallout for me from that episode is that people online are starting to slag me off for my own labels.

Imagine that happening to you. Yeah. I shouldn't have done the accent. That was on me and I apologise. There was lots of things said on the podcast, lots of things that you said on social media about me being unreliable. And you know what? Guys, let's be honest. Comedy, at the end of the day,

we're our own personal brands. We're selling our reputation. I don't know if you think it's funny. You think I'm coming here joking around. You've caused reputational damage for me. And I've sought legal advice. And I'm actually... I've got to serve this.

I have to serve this to you. It's in a different... Oh, fuck. It's actually official. It's in a Lumo energy... Because the letter was emailed to me. Oh, right. Is it official?

Because the envelope has already been torn open. I found an envelope at home. Oh, so I read this out? All right, sorry. If you want. I mean, an envelope at home. I saw I read this out. All right, sorry. I mean, it is to you, but you can read it out. We should just give a bit of quick context. Anyone just tuning in last week, Nazeem was meant to be on the program

and bailed on us with five minutes. Okay, well, that's incorrect. Just let it go into this. I'll let my lawyer. By the way, this is a letter from an actual lawyer. You can tell. It's been printed out and everything. I'll let my lawyer. He'll actually... I'll let the lawyer. And this, by the way, this is a letter from an actual lawyer. Yeah. Oh, you can tell. You can tell.

It's been printed out and everything. Yeah. It sounds like Nazeem went and got a bit of counselling. Yeah, you're laughing now, Dickie. All right, sorry, sorry. Let's give a bit of respect. So, Tuesday, 4th of July, 2017, the CEO, Little Dumb Dumb Club, via email. I'm not sure why that had to be printed out, but anyway. We need to get your lawyer.

Dear colleagues, Nazeem Hussain, we have been asked to write on behalf of the above named in relation to certain allegations made on episode 351 of your podcast. In particular, it is alleged that Mr. Hussain pulled out of the podcast on a mere five minutes notice. This is incorrect.

He instructs that he in fact pulled out ten the podcast on a mere five minutes notice. This is incorrect. He instructs that he, in fact, pulled out ten minutes notice. It was ten minutes before. Why don't you read the guys? Anyway. Furthermore, you were informed that his attendance was conditional upon him having a free schedule and not being occupied dining with his in-laws. I said, if I'm not dining with my in-laws, I'll be there. Mr. Hussain has suffered damage to his reputation

and reserves his right to seek redress. In the meantime, he insists that you make a full apology during all subsequent episodes of your podcast. So every week from now on, we have to apologise to you? This is the advice that I've been given from my wife. So you're going to be like, welcome to country, but welcome to the sea. To be fair, this is the advice he's been given via email.

It's 2017, right? Mr. Hussain is a devoted husband and model citizen who has represented his nation during the World Cup in Rio as a correspondent on World Cup Fever, hosted by Jermowan, as well as performing at the Melbourne Comedy Festival and managing a podcast of his own. We enclose character references for your information from notable Australians.

Yours faithfully, Irfan Youssef. He's a character reference. He's a character reference. Fucking hell. All right. Oh, no, here we go. My name is Waleed Ali, and I'm a co-host for a light-hearted news panel show

called The Project. I wrote this letter in support of my friend Azim Hussain because he said he needed it to clear his name again. He says there have been allegations made against him on this podcast labelling him unreliable and pulling out with five minutes' notice. Whilst the spirit of this characterisation is broadly accurate, I would note that in my experience, Nazeem never pulls out of anything. He simply fails to turn up,

leaving you to assume he has withdrawn or been sidetracked by some shiny object. That is quite a different thing. I also note that he once helped me at a moving house, so therefore he's not an entirely bad individual. He also seems to like my mum. Regards, Waleed. Okay, I've been handed...

I know you think this is excessive, but for me this is very important, so... I've been handed another... This is from... Look, I haven't read these, by the way, so... Okay. And Waleed Ali doesn't just give character reference to any sort of people these days.

And it wasn't just like overwhelmingly glowing like he did. I mean, did you king hit someone recently or anything like that? Because they're the sort of people that Waleed's lending his name to these days. And you can get from two weeks of suspension to four weeks. It worked out well for him. Mate, I got back on this episode on this podcast in one week. So I've been handed another character reference here. I'm starting to...

Did you pull out last week because you needed time to put all these character references together for this week? To whom it may concern, I write in support of Nazeem Hussain. By way of introduction, my name is Dr Imran Lum and I am an Arabic teacher who runs an online course for beginners. It is called Arabic Made in China and I have students all over the world. For details, please follow Arabic Made in China on Instagram or Facebook.

Hang on, did this go by my website? I have known Nazeem for about a decade and in that time he has always behaved respectfully towards me and others I know according to his high standards. He is an extremely intelligent and bright individual and during the time he was a student he was able to grasp concepts with ease. This is despite him suffering from an acute case of Muslim standard time, which means arriving to class approximately two hours and 14 minutes after the start of time.

Fuck, he's doing gear in this. This led to him often missing the actual class on most occasions. Can we book this guy as a guest instead? Able to grasp concepts with ease. I don't know, talking into a microphone seems to be pretty hard for you to do sometimes on this podcast. The timing of his arrival often coincides with the time that everyone has finished eating and Nazeem has the unique ability to eat the remains from people's plates.

I don't know what this is. You just skip past this bit. There's a few more paragraphs. This often means that he gets out of paying for food, which displays good character traits of being thrifty, price conscious and conservative. While I cannot say in good faith that he has never stood me up, Nazeem always gives good notice if he wants to bail on events. Typically two to five minutes prior to the event,

sometimes the next day, but he will always provide notice. This demonstrates Nazeem's unique ability to teach people the art of patience and forbearance. Happy to chat further if you need. Kind regards, Dr. Lung. Wow. And look, there's one other one which I asked about. Oh, Jesus.

This is like Miracle on 34th Street. This guy, I don't know why he thought he'd try and pretend to be my lawyer. It's not actually my lawyer. He said to Little Dumb Dumb Club, recently you claimed my client was unreliable for bailing on a podcast with only five minutes. Bailing. He used the word bailing.

Just because my client was unable to attend you to an unforeseen better offer does not mean he didn't listen to the show, but he wishes he hadn't. My client, Nazeem, was shocked to learn the only question you had planned for him was what's it like being Muslim? Like, is that the best you can do? Surely the co-creators of the hilarious and extremely long-running sitcom The Comedy Family could have put more effort in. Against my legal advice, my client has decided to go on your podcast once again.

I urge you to ask him some more informed questions than what's it like being Muslim. Here are some helpful suggestions. Do you ever wank about bacon? Beards? Itchy? Why do you hate freedom? Yours legally Mr. Lawyer of Nazim. Look, I just thought I didn't have to

do this on the podcast. We haven't hit record yet. Don't worry. You've had 352 episodes and I wish you all the best for more of them, but you just can't be clear. Fair enough. Can we have our witness now? Can we cross-examine you? Is that how this works? The repeated

mention of us calling you unreliable on the podcast last week, I have to take umbrage with that. At no point did we say you're unreliable. I believe we called you a rat cunt. We called you many things. Have you met a reliable rat cunt? Yeah. Yeah.

I don't think I called you anything. I just said I'm staying the side with Andrew Bolt. That's all I said. Interpret that how you will. Well, look, if you want to get your lawyers to respond, you don't have to. Well, you know what? There was a bit of a crossover in terms of, you know,

there was a, well, look, there was a mosque attack in London and I know this is a bit of a straight tenuous... Why are you looking at me, mate? I would attack a mosque? No, no, no, no. That would be my job. Hey, look at Ben! This is just a segue into his first question of what's

like being... Up your ears, itchy! What a segue. You're brown, what's like being... What a segue. You're brown. What's the mosques getting you? My first question, did you do it? Did I punch a mosque? Or do you know who did? What a scoop for this podcast.

No, but this is of course, this is the story about the London one where a crazy guy did it and a sad story of driving his car in whatever it was. The sterling level of research that fans have come to expect. The detail. That's why you were never getting elected as a politician.

Or whatever it was. Or whatever. Oh, man. Did you guys hear about World War II? You know, this guy kind of... I'm just going to call my lawyer. So, so... History with Carl Chandler.

But this was in the paper, and it took my fancy. They have the major headline in the independent newspaper in England, which is like one of the most prestigious newspapers in England. So they've got the full headline and then the subhead underneath it. So this is the full headline followed by the subhead. Darren Osborne, family of man arrested after Finsbury Park Mosque terror

attack says he is quotation troubled, but quotation not racist. Subhead. Neighbour says he's always been a complete cunt But this is surprising Did you hear

So you know So he drove A van right He hired the van The guy who owns the van company He didn't want to talk to the media But his son He commented

And he spoke to like several media outlets He said Mate I just wish you'd used a tank Oh Jesus What The son of the van hire company That gave him the van to several media outlets. He said, mate, I just wish you'd used a tank. Oh, Jesus. What? The son of the van hire company that gave him the van to go and run over.

Wow. Or whatever. Or whatever. Has he got shares in tank hire? I have not. Wow. That's great. That's great.

So that's in an actual newspaper. Neighbour says. Yes, that's the independent. Great. Do they publish the word cunt? C for three asterisks. Oh, three asterisks. Yeah. Cock? Cock.

No. I don't think so. I can see through the star and I know what's under there. A complete chap? Chap. Chap. Chap. Chock. Chin. Chap. Complete chap.

Complete chap. This is the world's worst game show where it's just a panel and then a letter appears and then it tells you how many letters there are after it and you just all guess words. There's no clues. It's literally blankety blanks. Remember that game show? It used to be like that. You'd go, what did the neighbour say today?

Ugly Dave Grey over here. What did the neighbour say? He's always been a complete blank, but this is really surprising. Graham, is it cunt? Do you think that game show could exist now because everyone would just guess cunt for every word? I think so. Or cunt or comedy!

Let's do our own version of it, cuntity cunt. Yeah. Well, speaking of that... Speaking of cunts, Lomas. Glad you pointed at him. Speaking of that speaking of cunts, Lomas. Glad you pointed at him. Wow, bombings, cunts, Lomas. When we were in Koh Samui we were in, well we've been

back a month I guess now. We went to the Koh Samui podcast festival. There was a lot of listeners there so before the show they're sort of warming up they're at the bar doing their own thing talking stupid and talking about the show and whatever it is. Apparently this is what we heard back, apparently the bar doing their own thing and talking stupid and talking about the show and whatever it is. Apparently, this is what we heard back, apparently the bar staff were listening to them and just started mimicking them back

and taking certain words and going, oh, this is funny. So there was a bunch of female bar staff behind the bar, not saying it to the people, but just saying it to themselves. They were just turning to each other going, riffing. They just liked the sound of it. They were just going, other going, riffing. They just liked the sound of it. They were just going, riffing, riffing. Wow. Lomas broke Thailand and he didn't even need to go there.

I know. And I wanted to go. But that's kind of the equivalent of like, you know, Aussies when they hear Asian people speak in Chinese or whatever and they just go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Same kind of thing. Yeah, that's right. They made fun of us.

Now I'm a fiend, dude. Hey, you should have milked. That's how it feels, bro. Yeah, yeah. right. They made fun of us. Now I'm offended. Hey, you should have milked. That's how it feels, bro. You could have carved out a niche like I have. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that would be great. Let's move over there and become the ethnic comedians of Samui. Oh, yeah.

And just wear those hats with the corks hanging down from them and really play it up. And a whole bunch of... Oh, look at me. I like steak. And they won't be able to say riffing. They'll be like, oh, whiffy. And, yeah, we're all like, and over here, you're all like this.

And we're just, like, going them real hard going, it's okay because we're not from here. It's different. Punching up. Finally, we get all the good geeks because we're the big international guests over there. Did you guys call yourselves, like like the biggest comedians in Australia or something, like on the posters? Oh, I don't know. Yeah, we did.

Yeah, we did. We did flyers for a stand-up show where we just made up credits. So we said that we'd been on Letterman. I said I was the host of Legally Brown back in Australia. All the big credits. But speaking of that, though, I have had recently a lot of listeners drive past me. So it's actually, I think it's backfired because I've had quite a few people

ride past me or drive past me and just yell out, comedy! And then I'd have it recently and I was with my daughter and then someone rode past the car and just went, comedy! And my daughter goes, but that's what we do. We'll always have comedy. That's quite cute. But that was like, yeah, you would have loved it. Like'll always have comedy. That's quite cute. But that was like, yeah, you would have loved it. Like the flight over there.

The flight from Singapore to Samui where people have kind of come into Singapore from all these kind of different parts of Australia and stuff. But a big bulk of us were on the night flight to Koh Samui. It was mostly listeners of our show. And, yeah, it was just a lot of walking down the aisle and people going, comedy. It was like a loony bin out. And, yeah, it was just a lot of walking down the aisle and people going, comedy! It was like a loony bin out.

You would have loved it. Looking back, is it a weird thing to think about? Like you lived and breathed, like you lived with your listeners. That's just a weird thing. Yeah. There was something quite strange about going down to the breakfast buffet and, yeah, all these people are there wearing your merchandise. And also there's no backstage because we're just hanging out

with everyone all the time. Yeah. Yeah. When we went to go to do the shows, we were like, this is going to be shit because there's no line between the artists and the audience anymore. They're just like, we're one of them. So they're like, anyone could fucking do this. You know like when a comedy gig, the comedian is supposed to hide backstage

and then you do a back announce and then you're supposed to keep them. It's supposed to be some sort of surprise. Yes. Like now you don't have that anymore. Yes, I know. Do you feel like this is done? It was like a cruise ship on land. Yeah, you're supposed to keep them it's supposed to be some sort of surprise now you don't have that anymore do you feel like this is done it was like a cruise ship on land

yeah you're right it was it was like that I did actually think that midway through I've always thought people who do cruise ship gigs

will talk about how yeah that's the tough thing about it is that if you bomb you're just with your audience yeah all day and night and I've always thought

that sounds like the worst thing of it and then halfway through I went oh oh, I'm doing that. I've accidentally ended up doing that but without the sweet coin that comes with doing the cruciate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But we're still the buffet, so that was all right. You know what I never got to the bottom of?

I was asking this of the crowds a lot when we would turn the recorders off. I want to know who fucked. I really want to know. There must have been listeners that were hooking up with each other. You guys might be responsible for some dumb, dumb babies. Absolutely.

We found out in like 12 or 10 weeks because it was a couple of weeks ago, wasn't it? 12 weeks when it's safe to announce the pregnancy. Yeah, 12 weeks having a baby. What's its name? Comedy! You guys have got to be the goddads then. Or you could be the godmum if you do this. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Goddads. But no, but you've got those people that name their kids after where they were conceived and stuff. So, I mean, there's either Samui. Cafe 69. Yeah. I don't know if Samui's a boy's or a girl's name. I don't know.

It could be both. I think it could be both. That's not bad. Did any of the comedians mack on, like, patrons? I don't think that's appropriate for us to say. No. Well's not bad. Did any of the comedians mack on patrons? I don't think that's appropriate for us to say. Well, it is. No comment. Yes. So basically, if you're not saying no, then obviously something

must have gone down. Yeah, something went down. Look, I didn't see it go in, so I can't confirm anything. This is weirder than just hanging out with the audience. Now you're like, you know, it's just... They weren't. We didn't do anything. Come on, Carl. We don't know.

No, they just fucked each other. Yeah. Yes, we're too busy with each other. We kept it in the family. We kept it in each other. God. Yeah, no, we don't know officially what happened there, but it seemed like it was your usual Contiki tour.

There were things happening, but a lot of people brought their own partners. It was interesting because it was like... Things happening. Mosques blowing up. Every time we'd be on stage doing a thing and we'd be, you know, it's a group of people that are all living together, so it's very in. So we're like, oh, how about this thing at the pool? And everyone's going, yeah.

And we're like, oh, what about this cocktail? And everyone's like, yeah. And multiple times I'd go, so who's fucking? And everyone would just go dead silent. Okay, but you know what? You don't have to have sex with people just because you live with them. I did that jungle show and no one had sex with anybody, all right? Just control yourselves.

It's a professional trip. You were there to do a professional comedy podcast. Why are we just unprofessional? Yeah, cool. You didn't cheat on your wife. Fucking control yourselves. You didn't cheat on your wife with Steve Price. Do you want a fucking medal or something?

What do you do? And maybe be 60 cameras on your wife with Steve Price. Do you want a fucking medal or something? What did he do? And maybe be 60 cameras on you 24 hours a day. Well, there's fucking CCTV in Thailand. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right. You're right. It's unbelievable. You know what?

We were watching. I feel like we should talk more about the jungle show, as you put it. I'm a celebrity. Get me out of here. What's there to talk about? How did you get that? No, yeah, that's a good question. This is about charity. I was a watcher me out of here what's there to talk about how did you get that no yeah that's a good question

but this is about charity I was a watcher I watched it I watched it with my girlfriend a lot and at one point there was a scene

where you went down to like the water hole went down to the river and you went into the river I think maybe a little bit by the way

I haven't watched any of it right sorry I watched one and a half episodes on the way back oh you didn't you don't get channel 10 over there they're giving it all on USBs but I watched the first one and a half episodes on the way back. Oh, you don't get Channel 10 over there? They're giving it all on USBs, but I watched the first one and a half episodes and there was a lot of bitching going on and it made me feel really sad.

I've always thought that would be the strangest thing about, like when people go on Big Brother and they'd come out and they'd show them the highlight reel of their last three months of their life. The highlights is all very nice because it's all like people saying positive things, but then if there's like a low light reel of all the bitching and stuff like that was that what listen to this podcast last week was like i used to like charlie but have you met any of the crew after the show yeah like so basically so genuinely you're in a space about double the size of this room and there's like there's like cctv cameras and there's like big cameras with camera people,

but they're hidden in these like hides. And they're filming you like 24 hours a day. And you just start to forget that there are people in there. Anyway, when I came out six and a half weeks later, this guy comes up to me and goes, hey, man, I'm one of the cameramen. I was like, oh, okay, cool. I just thought like there's just heaps of cameras when you go out and walk. He's like, nah, I was in the hide like a meter from your bed.

So for six and a half weeks, he was there like 12 hours a day and he'd swap with the other 12. Oh, wow. And he's been following you

ever since. Never, no, I never, I don't know. I don't even, like there's 400 crew. Where'd you go to the toilet there?

So you go in like, there's no cameras in there but there's cameras on the, like watching you go in and there's cracks through the, And then you took your own camera in. And you got your mic on.

Hey, guys, you don't want to miss this. Because you said there's no one having sex there, but you're there for a fair while. There's got to be something else. Okay, so this is the question. This is actually coming. Did you wait to bake it? When one wakes up...

Hang on, do we have to go through your lawyer for this question? You probably do, actually. I don't know if I should be. Anyway, look. I'll give you this. So you wake up. That's probably when you ordinarily, you're at your. Randiest.

Corniest. Your zenith. You know, that's when. But just for some reason, none of that happens. Nothing happens. Nothing happens. So you did not wank for six and a half weeks. Mate. Just be honest here. No. We're among comedy friends. No one did not wank for six and a half weeks? Mate. Just be

honest here. We're among comedy friends. No one did. No one does anything. No one did. Seriously, there's not like... There was no instances of I'm a sperm, get me out of here? I'm pretty sure. I don't think Steve Price had a wet dream, if that's what you're asking.

Did Steve Price have a wet dream? Is that what you're asking? Did he have a wet dream, if that's what you're asking. Did Steve Price have a wet dream? Is that what you're asking? Did he have a dry dream? Oh, that's brutal. Waking up and you've had a wet dream and there's the guy standing over you with the camera and he's gotten all of it. By the way, I think his daughters listen to this, so I probably don't want to give them

images. Whose daughter? Does his daughter listen to this? I think so. Really? Yeah, I think so. I met her a couple of weeks ago. She's really nice.

Hello to little Miss Price. There's two of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I met her a couple of weeks ago. She's really nice. Hello to little Miss Price. There's two of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If that is their correct name. Shout out. Anyway. So, yeah, so on the show. So you were going down to the watering hole.

You might have been washing or something. I'm watching it with my girlfriend. And as you're in the river, my girlfriend turns to me and goes, so, what's in the river? And I'm like, what? And I was like, what do you mean? She's like, so what's coming up? What's in the river?

And I'm like, and I go, nothing. They're not trying to kill him. Did she think you were watching Anaconda or something? Oh, don't go in the water. Honestly, it was like that. She goes, what's coming? What's in the water? What's going to happen?

And I'm like, they're not trying to kill their stars. And so she goes, oh, that's the whole point though, isn't it? They're trying to kill the celebrities. I don't blame her because the title is I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. When it's just like you're just sitting in the heat. It's really, they freak out. You're going swimming. Why do you want to get out of there?

It sounds great. I just love the idea that there's a props team in the hay. It's really... They freak out. You're going swimming. Why do you want to get out of there? It sounds great. I just love the idea that there's a props team in the river with an anaconda. Well, you know what? Okay, I found a snake once. In the whole six weeks, there was a snake. And I was like, oh, my God, there's a snake. And I told everyone. And then the crew were like, stay away from the snake.

And I was yelling it over the loudspeaker. And I kept going towards the snake. And then they basically... Like, I got reprimanded. Right. Yeah, one time I walked off to the waterfall without telling anybody and I got yelled at again. One time I tried to hang my hammock up against a tree that wasn't strong enough and then

I got yelled at. I just kept getting yelled at. One time I tried to hang myself because I was hating it so much. I got yelled at. They did not like that. I tried to have a wank and they go, quick, wait till you're on camera. But people shout at me. You don't really need to be reprimanded for going near a snake.

The risks are pretty – the snake is its own reprimand. You know what I mean? Exactly. It's a life lesson. The insurance on this show would have been insane. If one of you died, the show would be fucked. Well, that's why every time people are faced with a challenge, I always just thought, well, they're not going to let me die on national television.

I mean, that would make awesome television, but they're not going to – that's ridiculous. television yeah I mean they'll make awesome television but they're not going to like that's ridiculous but then so we signed this massive release before we went into the whole show but then when we were about to bungee jump

they came at me with another they were like oh by the way you need to sign this and I was like what the hell like I've already signed had no one to consult

and that's what made me feel like this is possibly changing well maybe like you're saying they wouldn't let you die on national television but you know for international listeners, Channel 10, which the show is on, has since gone into administration.

Maybe they knew at the time. Maybe they need a death. Yeah, they're like, what do we care? Send them out there to die. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I'm glad I made it out alive. We haven't been paid yet. I haven't been paid.

Have you been paid? Yeah, I've been paid, yeah. Yeah, what did you get? Look, it's not about what I've been paid. It's more about what the charity was. Oh, that's good. I don't know if the charity has been paid? Yeah, I've been paid. Yeah, what did you get? Look, it's not about what I've been paid. It's more about what the charity was. Oh, that's good. I don't know if the charity has been paid, to be honest. I think Lisa Curry was following that up.

Who was your charity? In Touch. In Touch Multicultural Center Against Domestic Violence. You don't need to remember the name. You've given them that money. That's fine. That lets you off the hook. I've been on the run from the cops, actually, guys.

And actually, just before I came here. Yes. That's fine. That lets you off the hook. I've been on the run from the cops, actually, guys. And actually, just before I came here. Yes. That's a bit of a gear shift. Yes. Now, this is an actual thing, isn't it? This is why I was late today. Okay. And, you know, like I was about 45 minutes late.

You were late. You were late again today. And I'm surprised you guys didn't bring it up. So what you're saying is a funny thing happened to you on the way here? A funny thing happened to me on the way here. Well, look, you know, I've been on the run for a while. I've been keeping this a secret, and it's a shameful thing for me. Just so we know, this is a real thing.

Now, I haven't told these guys this, but you were messaging me as you were running late, and I'm like, I'm not going to tell these guys. Let's let you say this. But this is an actual real thing. This is a real thing that happened, and I don't know how to admit it to my wife, actually. But I was driving here, and I thought, oh, this is sick. I'm finally going to be here on time. And there was like about 15 cops that blocked the road and they were letting – and I'm

driving like – This is just around the corner, isn't it? Yeah, it's around the corner. Just like five minutes from your place. Don't say where. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, five minutes from – No.

You can bleep it out. You're going to have to find this and bleep it out. Five minutes from the house of comedy. Five minutes from the comedy house. And then there was cops blocking the road. And I swear to God, because I'm driving a crappy car at the moment. This is the nice one. It's a real piece of shit.

And they were letting all the nice cars go through. But then the guy looked at me. And look, I'm going to say it's racism. Racism against a car. Racism against my face. And that I'm wearing a hoodie. I look a bit say it's racism. Racism against the car, racism against my face, and that I'm wearing a hoodie. I look a bit like a street rat. I feel threatened.

And he wandered me. So he pointed me into the park and he let everybody else go. It was like one in every 20 cars I was counting, he was waving in. He's just doing his job, mate. But you know what? So far I'm on his side.

Initially I thought, this guy's, what a freaking, he's just judging by the way I look. But you know what? Should I play a bit of commentary, the messages I was being sent as this was happening? Go on. Hey guys, I'm literally just around the corner, but I just got pulled over. There's like a huge thing of cops.

And they just pulled me over and checked my licence and apparently I've got an outstanding fine or a warrant. I've got an outstanding warrant or a warrant. I've got an outstanding warrant, let's be honest. So I've got to talk to these guys and I guess pay them. So I'm going to be a little bit late. I asked how long, they said they don't know, so I could be five or ten minutes, but I'll keep you posted. It's shameful.

I'm a bit embarrassed. Yes, I'm just waiting in a queue for them to call my name. I said I could be up to 15 minutes. I'm just sitting here with other people who have outstanding warrants. So you're being sent all these audio updates while we're waiting. We could have just started the episode before he got here. So basically I got to this guy at the clipboard. He goes, license please.

I gave him a license. I was like, what's this about? And then it turns out I have a crap load of outstanding warrants. And so they were right. The guy that picked me, he's obviously an expert at picking out people who look like they have outstanding warrants. And he was right. I was like, man, sometimes prejudice or whatever is like it works.

Correct, yeah. Sometimes you guys are doing the wrong thing. I don't know what you mean by you guys, right? You can't say that. People with beards. It's a combination of the car, my face, beard I don't know, maybe my general attitude Is your neighbour going to come out and say

He always has been a complete cunt And he pulled me over And then I had to stand in a queue So there was all these other freaking pissed off Like tradies People that just kind of looked like they haven't got their life in order And then I looked at myself and was like I think objectively I look like them until you go i've got to run i'm on my way to a podcast

and they go okay there's another line over here so i asked this like i was one of the cops excuse me um i'm actually really late to a radio interview it starts in five minutes and she goes well tell them you're gonna be 15 minutes and i said well it starts in five she goes well goes, well, tell them you're going to be 15 minutes. And I said, well, it starts in five. She goes, well, that's not my problem and she just sent me into the queue. I was in the queue and I swear to God,

whilst in the queue, people were looking at me, right? It was Channel 10, almost never get me out of here, probably that sort of fame and I had one guy take a selfie with me in the queue and we were all waiting to pay our outstanding watch.

Then I had to sit down at the table with a cop who was like, look, mate, and he pulls out this whole file of, like, man, it's really embarrassing. Watch your misdemeanours. Like, the thing is, because, okay, my licence has the address of my mum's house, right? So all the fines and the reminder notice is go to my mum's place.

I haven't changed it. I've moved houses twice since then. And so I just haven't paid shit, including, like, I've got an investment property. What happens when all the loads go to your mum's house does she not open them or send them on

she just puts them on the bed and I right so she still thinks she's coming back at some point I used to get that a lot

I still get that a bit if I go and I tell you I just honestly like I see them and I'm just like I'll think about it

another time and it is me it's on me alright I'm a disgusting individual how many warrants there's a lot

I don't even want to give you the number like the dollar figure because it's just celebrity get me out of jack oh man it's just horrible and anyway

so he goes so there's this what are we talking about we're talking 20 grand so a couple years ago from 2013 apparently so there's like one from like

mobile phone like I didn't I got busted with a mobile phone talking on the mobile phone another one when I had like so I owned a house I owned a house in Noble Park but I don't live there

because it's a piece of shit so I rent somewhere in the close of the city but there's like noxious weeds whatever the heck that is in the backyard growing the neighbour complained

I own a house not good enough for me to live in it's a piece of shit I told you about this my tenants complained about the neighbour's property

having garbage on the property so the council came gave them a $50 fine as a result my neighbours graffitied on their own caravan the words

fuck off, fat cunts, with an arrow pointed at my house. That's my neighbourhood. What an invention. As if any of you idiots would live there. You guys wouldn't live there. I was like, stop this. That sounds great. I would have

bought a caravan. So I got a fine for having, for noxious weeds or something like growing there that I had to go to court for. Fuck off Fed Cubs. I don't even know what my tenants look like.

So the neighbours have spray painted their own caravan on their own they've sacrificed their own property for this movie. Because I think

that's like well I know that legally I'm not like you know harassing they're not damaging their property I'm damaging my own property. Since then

that neighbour got divorced from his wife right? He got divorced from his wife, right? He got divorced from his wife, so he moved out into the caravan. No, into the front garden. He lives in the front, in the freaking caravan. That's graffiti on Falco Falco. And now my tenants have changed and they're not even fat.

So hang on, wait. If his wife left him and he's now living in the caravan, did he just cross out the S so it's just a message to her? Fuck off, you fat cunt. He just drives past her new house every day in the caravan. Did he just cross out the S so it's just a message to her? Fuck off, you fat cunt. He just drives past her new house every day with the caravan. Fuck, that is cocky though. Now that he's single,

bring in a new girl back to his caravan with fuck off, fat cunt, on the front of it. Oh, wow. I've got to say, I'm kind of glad you got pulled over if it means that we got this story out of it. Would you call that a fixer-upper?

But he has an extension cord from his caravan to the house. To the main house. Yeah, so he's basically at the mercy of his wife not switching off his whole house. And so every time he's watching television, she just flicks it up and goes, eat shit, fat cunt. I cannot wait for somehow for him to own a car

and bring that caravan on the road. You are dead wrong. I would love to live in your house if this is what's going on next door. Oh, wow. You know when we do tours to Brisbane and Sydney and Berth? We've got to get that caravan. We've got to get the caravan. The caravan of cunts.

The comedy cunt caravan. I had no idea that Dil lived in my house. Sorry Dil. I love you Dil. Have I ever talked about years and years ago I went to the Falls Festival in Tasmania Oh by the way, just so we can, can we use

this as content on the social medias? But you did send me a picture of you paying your fine. Oh, yeah. So basically, get this right. So then the guy, so he's like, so it comes to a total of a very big amount. What's a ballpark? What's a ballpark? Four figures?

Five figures. Five figures? What the fuck's five? Like ten grand. No, no, no. What the fuck's five? What the fuck's five? I was like, if you're like. What the fuck's five? I was like... I thought you were including decimal points and shit.

If you're like, what the fuck's five figures? I've got a feeling you got ripped off for I'm a celebrity. I didn't buy my ass for five figures. We'll split the bucket at the end of the TV show with you. It's great exposure. And we've got this spare caravan. You'll get to meet famous people. So you paid on the spot. TV show with you. It's great exposure. And we've got this spare caravan. You'll get to meet famous people. So look,

it's definitely... So you paid on the spot. So he goes, look, this is what it is. He goes, I was like, oh,

I was like, you know, I always thought like, what are the options? Obviously there's lots of people here that look struggling. You know, I thought they'd be

offering pain plans. I was like, oh, look, so obviously I don't have to pay that all now. And I don't know why. Just send it to my...

I do have the money. Send it to my mum. He goes, so what can you pay? I was like, 500 bucks. And he goes, yeah, nah, you've got to pay the whole thing. I was like, oh, what will happen? And he goes, well, I'll have to possess your car, keep your license, impose sanctions. That's what he said.

So I said, oh, I'll pay the whole thing. Yeah, and then he basically just took my credit card. And I was like, will this count? Will I get velocity points? But anyway, I took a photo. I took a photo of me and him while we're doing it. Yeah. I actually said, I said, look, do you mind?

I love the picture of the Z. Fuck. I actually asked him, I said, do you mind if I take a photo of you and me together? And I love it that a sheriff wears it. So there's a sheriff. They all got these sheriff beanies on and stuff. Can we use that as the cover art for this week's episode?

Photoshop your faces on there. But I said, can you smile? He goes, oh, I've got to look like it's like a... He's doing his job. Yeah, like he's doing his job and he doesn't know that I'm taking the photo. Oh, right, right, right. Yeah, because otherwise I think he'll get in trouble. Is he just paused and just looking down?

And then he looked at the photo afterwards. He's like, can I have a look? And I was like, hey, he goes, oh, yeah, no, I look all right. To be fair, you were just complaining about taking a selfie with someone else. I took that photo just because I thought I was getting shit from you guys. Yeah. As if you got pulled over by the cops. This is a very expensive podcast for you.

Yeah. All right, we get it. We'll start up a GoFundMe to raise money for your fees, for your outstanding warrants. Thank you. Please. Wow. Even though you've got two houses or outstanding warrants. Thank you. Please. Wow. Even though you've got two houses or whatever the fuck.

Plus a caravan. Three. Is it three? Three and a caravan. Well, yeah, what I was saying before, I went to the Falls Festival in Tasmania. This is years ago and we were driving in and as we're driving in and getting our car searched,

there's a caravan pulled over across to the side and on one side it says, 2013, the year of the bourbon, and then on the other side it says no pig roots. No what? No pig roots. Don't fuck any pigs in this caravan. What the hell?

And so it's clearly just like a bunch of absolute fucking dirt bags have pulled up in it. So it's just kind of abandoned next to the line and so to the guy who's searching our car, I go, oh, yeah, let me guess why. That one didn't get let in. And he's like, yeah. And I'm like, oh, all the stuff on the side. It's pretty crook, isn't it? And he goes, oh, I didn't even see that.

When they came in, it has no wheels on it. What? So they're literally just dragging it through the dirt and there's this sandstorm that comes in. Right. And we're like, fucking hell. So we go in and we get a spot in a campsite. We get all set up.

We go and get something to eat. We come back half an hour later. The pig roots van is set up next to us. They've somehow convinced them to let them have it in, like drag it into the site. We go for a walk to get a beer. We come back. It's gone.

And we're talking to people around us in the campsite going, what happened to the pig roots van? And they go, you might find this hard to believe. Those guys got kicked out because in half an hour they started punch-ons with four separate campsites around them. What a great New Year's Eve for those guys. Having to drag that van back down the freeway to somewhere else in Tassie. I remember when I went for council there was one guy who had a property

and he had a big sign there that said, Life's grand, and then underneath, Divorce 100 grand. And then I remember being a Youngtown player and I had to tell him that he needed a permit. And he's like, you can't do that, mate. He goes, nah, my wife took me for everything. I just want to put it up there so people can drive past and know how fucked divorce is. And then he goes, is there my wife took me for everything. I just want to put it up there so people can drive past and know how fucked divorce is.

And then he goes, is there any way around it? And I remember, well, I said, if you put two shipping containers there and then paint on it, then you can get around it. Three months later, there it was. Oh, wow. I mean, that's what that guy's advocating for. Like, people have causes like whales and, you know, same-sex marriage. This guy is advocating against the idea of divorce.

Yeah. So he's either encouraging people to stay in marriages or to not get – that's his life cause. But I like it how – There is no angrier person than a divorced white male. Oh. Man, they lose their fucking mind. But I love that this guy is trying to, like –

his big thing is I want to get the message out there that divorce is bad. I don't reckon there's many people disagreeing with divorce is bad. I don't reckon there's many people disagreeing with you, mate. I don't reckon anyone's getting divorced going, well, tick this one off the bucket list. I finally did it. I'm pretty stoked. And I remember when I had to tell him that he had to take the sign down. But he actually said, well, put a lot

of work in it. So where was the sign? So it's on the way. It's still there. It's on the way. So, like the old Princess Highway. you know the one before it goes, where the ring road is. It's right there in Brooklyn. So you can see it there on the right-hand side. Amazing.

I was just in America and there was a sign that I saw on the way to – it was in Arkansas. I think I told you about this at the gig the other night. And there was a sign that said hashtag secede, I was talking to you about this at the gig the other night. And there's a sign that said hashtag secede, which is essentially a sign saying that this state should not be part of the United States of America. Right.

And if you go to the website, it's advocating for sort of a return to slavery. Sort of. Yeah. There's a lot of places in the south that are into that. Wait, how do you advocate for sort of going back to slavery? Well, they're basically talking about sort of second... They weren't condemning the idea of second-class citizenry.

They were supporting the... Basically, they're the old... Slavery seems like the sort of thing where you're not really dipping your toe in the pool. You're either jumping all the way in. You're in or you're out, I reckon. It's like, yeah, well... No offence.

If you're only doing it half the time, that's just a job. That's a job. Look, you have to work for me but you get paid and you can also leave whenever you want. I mean,

I don't want to go, you are still my slave though. I just don't really want to go crazy with you. I'm not whipping you this way. I don't want to pay for your board. Well,

you've got a podcast and it's called Burn Your Passport. Burn Your Passport Burn Your Passport And it's through the ABC It's an ABC podcast And the episode that I did Came out not very long ago

Which was nice Because when it came out I then got sent An email from your producer Saying oh it's out If you'd like to Spread it around on social media It'd be great

And of course If you haven't done it already Send your invoice in for doing the podcast. I'm like, what the fuck? Oh, because I've been invoicing you guys for every time I've been on here. Oh, yeah. It got sent to my mum's house. Yeah, you guys are going to get pulled over.

I'm like, I'm in a lot of debt. I'm going to pull you up in a high-vis vest. What a world, being paid to do a podcast. Wow. This is amazing. The people that we know that work on writing on shows, they're pissing about how little the ABC has to pay you. It's like, no, you're getting money to do a podcast, mate.

They're fine. Yeah. But I did enjoy it because I did the podcast a little while back and as I turned up to the ABC and your producer took me into the studio and as he was bringing me in, he said, how's the podcast going, your podcast going? And I was like, oh, it's going. I turned up to the ABC and your producer took me into the studio. And as he was bringing me in, he said, how's the podcast going, your podcast going? And I was like, oh, it's going pretty good.

And he goes, yeah, yeah, the one that advocates a lot of bullying. I'm like, yeah, it's going all right. You're like, take a look at my caravan outside, mate. But the thing is, my instant response would be to say, fuck off. I'm like, oh no, you actually got me, haven't you? You've got me.

But if you were to describe this podcast to someone, bullying would be one of the words that I'd use. Fun with comedy friends. Yeah, but like, if you're being honest, like there's a lot of bullying that goes on. People laugh about it, but you don't follow up with the people laughing. Is there another letter coming?

Yeah, you sat on the last one for the third act. Look, it's a lot of I like to think of it it's not bullying it's having fun with friends. If it was bullying it would be with people

we didn't like but it's all people we like. It's all people we like. He's getting defensive. It's just bad joke. Yeah, you're making you're starting to not convince me. And I'm one of the only people that's in your corner at this point.

It's just friendly banter that encourages eating disorders. Well, it worked for Ronnie. It's kicked his career up a touch. Yeah, Ellen fat shames people, doesn't she? This is a positive show. Does Ronnie not eat bread still I think so Because he was just like

Oh racist Yeah I gotta say Ronnie You know if you follow Ronnie On Instagram Ronnie Chang If you pay attention

To his Instagram stories Because he was in Singapore Recently He eats a lot man Yeah I was going We could see a return To fat Ronnie Because he was

Putting away a lot Big And I know he's probably with people. Big, big banquets. I feel like comedically it works for him because it kind of commands the stage more. He can't be super skinny and arrogant. And that angry? Yeah, good point.

Angry people indulge. They get what they want now. You know what he needs to do? He needs to do a Freaky Friday with Dilruch. What's Freaky Friday? Switch bodies, switch minds. They need to swap

diets for a while. I thought Dilruch was cutting back. I remember he had that. Look how arrogant Lomas is. Lomas got his

wisdom teeth out, couldn't eat for two months and so lost a lot of weight. He's like, I'm the fittest guy in the world. No, your mouth

didn't work for half a year. I'm going to get my wisdom teeth. Is that what happened? No, no, actually I already lost them. I just lost a lot of weight and he's like, I'm the fittest guy in the world. No, your mouth didn't work for half a year. I'm going to get my wisdom teeth. Is that what happened? No, no, actually, no,

I already lost them. I just lost a lot of teeth and I had to have them removed and I was on shakes for three months and dropped 20 kilos. Did you get implants or anything? Yeah,

because I can afford them. So what happens? You just pull them out and then that's it? Yeah, I pull them out and then I don't have any teeth. So where are,

where are the holes? Up the back? Up the back? Up the back. No one can see them there. No one can see them, but there's a couple of times when I'm eating an arm and it feels like it's just stabbing me inside of my mouth. So it's just gum. You've just got gum back there.

So now you're back on the full eating regime now? No, I'm not. Right. I just want to keep it off. But I do like you. You and Dilrick have a friendly little competitive eating sort of thing where you get about the same level of weight, don't you? But the thing is, Dil approached me at Splendour Night.

He said, we're about the same weight. He said, well, let's have a competition who can get under 100. It's a healthy competition. It's a healthy competition. Trying to put it on. Under 100 kilos. Under 100 kilos. Face around the buffer. And I was like, let's make it a thing. We'll put it on. Under 100 kilos. Under 100 kilos. Face around the buffet.

And I was like, he goes, let's make it a thing. We'll put it on a line. And I was like, and then I was like, and I was like, he goes,

well, what's the wage? And I go, a thousand bucks. Whoa. A thousand bucks. When was this? But Dilpa was long enough

that I think he was actually just thinking about how much food he could buy for a thousand bucks. So you could do it? Well, because I've already lost 20, so then it's a lot easier for him to lose weight because he's a lot shorter, a lot rounder.

So it's that thing where we're trying to work out what's fair. It sounds like you're making an excuse. I want to do it. I want to do it. Can I say you did my gig at Catfish when I think the day that you'd had dental surgery and I think you were still fucked up from whatever drugs they put you on. And from where I was sitting, it was a wonderful addition

to the low-mass oeuvre. It was a lot of – you struggled to make sense of the best of things, but that night was really something magical. Because they put you on the green pipe and I would take – because I'm quite scared of dentists. So before every surgery, I'd take about four Valium and then they'd get me on the green pipe and I would take because I'm actually I'm quite scared of dentists so before every surgery I'd take about four Valium

and then they'd get me on this green pipe and I was just high as a kite because I've got to get a tooth removed what do they do so you're lucky

because you're fit healthy and successful now he doesn't have kids either no I know so the thing about it is I had this thing

where they pulled out a tooth and I had a dry socket. So it means I don't – it sounds sexual. But it's like I didn't have enough blood to my jawline. So what happens is it would get infected every time I ate a little bit of food. So the only way to fix it is to then cut it up, make it bleed again, and I did that four times on the one tooth. So why can't you just put – isn't it cheaper to just put a new tooth in there?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I like this. This is good. No, no, no. It's five grand a pop the one tooth. So why can't you just put, isn't it cheaper to just put a new tooth in there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I like this. This is good. No, no, no. It's five grand a pop for a tooth. It's five grand for an implant. Yeah, I know. So I'll invoice you.

You know there's a guy, Chris Smith on I'm a Celebrity Guy, he's one of my celebrity friends. Yep. Yeah. One of the guys that you wanked near. Yeah, yeah. One of the guys I wouldn't have been able to wank.

You jerked each other off. Yeah. So he's a model guy. He used to be engaged to Danny Minogue. Very famous guy. And so he's got – he's had some work done. And he said he can get – one of his mates can do it for me for half price. Oh.

And so he got the – I can give you his number if you like. Yeah, tell me. It's not really a story to tell, but basically – Is this guy sponsoring the podcast now? Yeah. Is this another reference? You can follow him on Instagram and Facebook Comedians at Dentist

I don't know if it's good to go to cheap dentists You know who one of your other references should have been? Senator Sam Dastyari You know what? He's a good guy Because he did a thing where Around the same time as I'm a celebrity He went into the Senate

A thing that I I totally know what it is and um and started talking about you and did his little oh I saw that

because I came this is now a freaking because I came out and watched all this random and you wrote that didn't you no I helped

tweak a little bit you punched it up yeah I did a little bit of a punch up punched it up something for the senate you punched up a he talks about you and he names both of us in it.

And he's like, yeah, he's like, Tommy Daslow and Carl Chandler from the Little Dum Dum Club, they want you to come back home. This is literally what he says. He names us you for cred. He says, so I say to Nazeem's friends, Carl Chandler, Tommy Daslow and the Little Dum Dum Club, I'm going to say something that you'll never hear Senator Hanson ever say in the chamber.

Let's kick this ethnic out. But bring him back to Australia. Thank you. That's the line at the end of the line that he says. But he says that in the sentence. And was your punch up, fuck off, fat cunts? I don't reckon that'll fly. Yeah, I punched up a caravan.

He used to say nothing and now it says that. So that's part of it. He says a bunch of stuff in the lead up to that and does a little bit of a routine going into that. So that now goes in whatever it's called now. Yeah, the Hansard. The Hansard. That's it?

Yeah. So that's officially in Australia's history or whatever now. You guys are in official parliament records now. That's great. And so are you. So am I. Yeah. You've got to get yourself a member.

I've got to get yourself a member. I've got stuff going on. Let's have a Parliament Records party and you can only come if you're in Hansard. Oh, yeah. The Hansard Club. Yes. Yeah.

It sounds so similar to Hansard. Yeah. That means like David Hicks would be involved. Like there'd be some... That's cool. Yeah. It's all content, baby.

Hicksie. What about the Port Arthur Massacre He'd be there Oh yeah You'd have like Yeah but David Hicks is out We can talk to him

David Hicks You know David Hicks No Jihad Jack Remember Jihad Jack I thought it was the same person No Jihad Jack was Jack Thomas

He was another guy That was caught up In terrorism He came to my I don't know how I bumped into him One day on the show Me and Armand

Back when we did Field Ramp Yeah I bet you don't know him I swear to God i don't know how i bumped into him one day on the show me and i'm back when we did field yeah i bet you don't know him but i bumped into him on the street and he was like hey guys i'm big fans of yours and it was like it was during the day and i was like oh cool yeah you should come to our show man he'd just been he'd just been acquitted of all stuff so we're like he's like really i was like yeah we'll get you two comps at the door trades hall he's like oh my god this will be literally my first night out since being off curfew. Like, oh, no, yeah, like since being off curfew. So like six, we put his name, two tickets at the door under Jack Thomas,

not Jihad Jack. I did the show. I think like he did a shout out to, hey, we've got a special guest tonight. Give it up for Jack. We didn't want to say Jihad Jack. Anyway, after the show. Let's absolutely raise the roof for Jihad Jack. And we got a message from him saying,

sorry, man, for whatever reason, I couldn't come into your gig. They said that there was no two tickets. So basically, he's one night out and he couldn't get into it. And he's been fuming ever since. He was the cameraman on Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. I could get a character ever. And ironically, you like this kind of like He was the cameraman on Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. But I could get a character reference. And ironically, you bombed as well.

Yay! I've got a Jack Thomas. Who would you, you know who your real friends are if they give you a character reference? Yeah. Any of those real?

Yeah, well, you know what, so basically I got them to do it yesterday. This is real, I mean, Will Eads is real. Okay, that's good.

This is a real lawyer. Look, he wanted to make it clear that he's a lawyer. At the moment, he's not a practicing solicitor. good. This is a real lawyer. Look, he wanted to make it clear that he's a lawyer. At the moment, he's not a practising solicitor. I actually asked my friend who runs a law firm whether I could use him and he goes, I can't do it because it would not be in good faith. Because basically the point is for a joke. And I was like, well, no, they actually defamed me by saying,

I gave him five minutes notice. I actually gave him ten minutes notice. And so he was like well now that I know that it's a joke yeah like this is

basically they're all I just love it that you have done all that work and then Carl just Tommy texted me yesterday

and just goes can you do the podcast and I just say yes just to get out of my fucking yeah how was dinner with the in-laws what did you have we actually

I just had dinner with the in-laws? What did you have? We actually, I just had dinner with my wife. Kick him out of the country. But on top of that, the next day, because as it was happening, we're waiting for you and then you send the message five minutes ago going, can't make it, mate. And I'm like, are you kidding? And you send a message back going, are you kidding? I thought you were being, because I didn't actually confirm.

I literally said, if I'm not having dinner with my in-laws, I'm in. So that's not in. But so – no, I'm not arguing that. Like, it sounded like you were in and you were going to – I thought you were going to hit me up if you weren't in. So I was relying on thinking this is all good. No, no, you're right. This is all good.

But so we have that conversation after that and I'm going are you for real you're saying are you for real and then we work it out it's like oh fuck

oh well this is what happens whatever then the next day you send me a message going I had a bad dream about what happened last night it was a guilty dream

you know when you see someone that you've kind of messed around and so I was like there's a spleen and you kind of like this is the dream yeah it's the dream like basically you're being passive aggressive and I was trying to like that was no

dream I just remember just trying to like yeah hey man we're cool and you were just like being real I just can't remember what you said okay enough about the wet dream you had on I'm a celebrity tell us about the bad dream you had last week but there's nothing worse than having Carl upset with you in a dream you know? I just want to make it right. It did resonate a bit because you were telling me the story at the time, Carl, and then you sort of started to go look, to be fair, he did say he might have something on and it's a little bit,

I'm finding a little bit with you at the moment that it's a bit of like, you know, it's always like people not coming to gigs or bailing out of things and it's always the other person's fault that's starting to stack up in that way. Like, you know, you have that friend that's just like coming to gigs or bailing out of things and it's always the other person's fault. It's starting to stack up in that way. You know you have that friend that's just like,

boys are all fucked and it's too much drama. It's like, I reckon it might be you actually. I reckon there's too many in a row now to sort of claim this on bad circumstances. And you don't need to talk about it now or unpack it now on the podcast, but just in your own time this week, just think about it. Just think about the times that you've pointed at others and made them the centre of your fault. Just go get some counselling. time this week, just think about it. Just think about the times that you've pointed at others

and made them the centre of the fault. Just go get some counselling. That's fair. Just think about it. You know what? I'll go and get a bunch of references for myself and see what they say. And maybe I'll learn a bit more.

Just as an exercise, I reckon for everybody, just ask your friends for some character witnesses. Just say it's for something important. And just see what they say about it and see who gives you one firstly and see what they say. Let's both do it for next week. I've had a mate who asked me to do it and he was in court for a bit of trouble.

And when he asked me to do it, the first thing I thought was all the times he wronged me. You're like, oh, yeah, sure, no problem. But I remember just like, you have been a bit of a cunt. But, you know, you've asked me, so I'm happy to just try and focus on the good things. Yeah, well, that's what, it's just like a eulogy. You can only say good things.

Yeah, you can only say good things. I had to write one. My old housemate, I lived with a couple, and the guy was from here and the girl was Swedish, and she didn't have her, she was applying to get, like, citizenship or to extend her visa or whatever. And so I had to write, as, like, being their housemate, she was applying to get like citizenship or to extend her visa or whatever. And so I had to write as like being their housemate and it sort of is like,

do you believe that this is a genuine and ongoing relationship and, you know, not just them trying to, you know, do the dodgy on whatever, trying to get like a fake citizenship or whatever. And I was kind of wanting to go, what if I just put on this, yeah, I live in a two-bedroom house with them and I've heard them fucking through the wall. Like you couldn't send that in but what more proof do you need? Like me being prepared to say it. Well, if you said that in like a very polite way.

I mean because it's like, yeah, how do you prove this? And I was sort of wanting to go, I kind of was like writing like, well, I mean if, look, it could be fake but fuck, they've gone to some pretty extraordinary lengths to convince me and I don't know why they would want to bother doing that. But I always love it. I had a friend who put a reference on for a job, right, and it was for his last job. He just assumed that his boss would give him a good reference,

but he didn't word him up. So when he applied for a new job, they called him up, and the guy just roasted him. Really? Just roasted him. He said he was horrible, I couldn't fire him because he went for like government. And then the guy said, he got the job anyway. And he said, don't.

Don't use that guy. Just don't use that guy. He really doesn't like you. Yeah, yeah, right, right. Because I did that. I went for a job once and I asked my previous employer, can I use you as a reference? And I got along with them.

And so they were like, yeah, sure. And so then I went there. I get to the interview. They'd already called the references. And so then they start just quoting out of the reference I've been given. Wow. And they'd been, you know that sort of thing where I think they'd been a bit too familiar with the next, because it was a franchise, between franchises.

Oh, yeah, yeah. So they'd just gone, oh, yeah, he's always a fucking bit like this. And then he's a bit like this. So I think they got a bit overly familiar. And then he quotes it all back in the interview. I'm like, oh, very nice. This is very nice to know how I've been perceived back there. So then, but then immediately.

So he's doing it like a 21st speech. Yeah, totally. Just like voicing your new employer. Totally. And then the old employers hit me up and go, how'd you go? Did you get it? Did you get it? And I'm like, no, but I learned a fair bit about myself.

And they obviously didn they obviously they just went oh fuck that's right we said all that stuff and then went oh no I'm going to do it I'm going to start trying to get

character references to bring into this show each week well you know with the whole Bashar Hooli thing you know he's striking

and then he got well for people who don't know he was an AFL player he struck a player on the field and then it was an intentional strike but he He struck a player on the field. It was an intentional strike, but he said...

But he got character references from... Waleed. The Prime Minister. The Prime Minister and Ali Fahour, who is currently... So he's the diversity executive at the AFL, who's also a friend of mine, and his brother was the CEO of Australia Post before

that was the CEO of National Australia Bank. His other brother is the founder and director of the Islamic Museum of Australia. Okay, we get it, you know people. He's like a really,

really respected dude. Who has since, on the weekend, just gone, punched a bloke flat out in the head on the footy field. And it is a massive punch.

So basically, so after he wrote the reference for Bashar. Which, to be fair, like, man, not just, given the current climate of what's going on, not a great look at the moment to be doing stuff like that.

You've gone through all that and then three days later you're just king hit someone. That was, he just. That is such a massive punch. And it was also like a punch up. Like, the guy was tall. He took a fair run up. Okay, but can I say, okay, back in the days of mateship, you know,

before all this political correctness. Oh, here we go. Strap in. This is my citizenship test interview, all right? This sounds a bit like our podcast we're doing out there. Is that a caravan going past? No, we're mates. Back in the day, if the Eureka stockade was happening right now, right,

and, you know, who were they up against? Who were the good Aussies up against? They were trying to up the price of the permits or whatever the hell it was. Right. Imagine some guy's going at your mate, you know. If he's going at your mate, mateship dictates that you are supposed to go up and just knock that other guy out.

Right. So isn't that, I'm not condoning it, but there is an element of, look, I'm just going to Anyway, anyway. I'm usually a speechy lawyer. I'm just basically just trying to, so basically, so after he gave the reference letter to Bashar, I text him saying, hey. And Bashar Hooli is an AFL player who struck someone. Yeah, struck someone else.

Wally, Malcolm Turnbull, Ali for who gave him references. So I sent him a text saying, can you write me a character reference for striking someone? And he said, ha, ha, ha, asked Donald Trump for one. Anyway, then yesterday I saw the news, front page of The Age and like all over the country saying, you know, that he's punched this guy out. And so I just sent him a text saying, you want a character ref?

He hasn't replied. That's a bit too soon. Yeah, it is too soon. He's been in a shit, many a shit store. And you accused us of being bullies. Where are you? Get off.

Okay, but I was actually being genuine. He might now actually need one. Don't you think? Yeah, and I'm being genuine when I call Dilwook a fat cunt. It's the same thing. It's not like he's not. But don't you think maybe the Dumb Dumb Club

should perhaps... What? I'm petitioning that the Dumb Dumb Club should put together a character reference for Ali Fuwa. No!

Come on, guys. Why? I do like the idea that you set challenges for your fans and I have one. Yeah. This is going to be terrible.

No, no, no. This is me because I've been travelling back and forth to Sydney And I've been so sleep deprived Here we go I don't know where this came from Probably because I'm mental

But you know when you're checking your baggage at Qantas And it's got the conveyor belt where you do it yourself There was a guy in front of me And the conveyor belt wasn't working So every time he put his suitcase on It just would fall off in front of me And he did it the first time And then the every time he put his suitcase on, it just would fall off in front of him, right? And he did it first time, he did it, and then the second time he did it and he just looked at me and I just yelled out at the top of my voice,

comedy! And he went, what? And I just said it again, comedy! And then I just left. So, wow, we can play the Lomas scavenger hunt on this episode about how well you're doing. You are willing to make a bet with someone else for $1,000. You've had this tooth surgery that cost $5,000 each one you had get done.

Shit, man. You are flying back and forth to Sydney and you're flying Qantas every time you go. I think you're giving yourself a character reference. Are you a drug dealer? How do you make cash, mate? Yeah, well, there's that $1.6 million case that still hasn't been... Oh, yeah.

All right, guys, we've got to wrap that up here for another episode of The Little Dumb Dumb Club. Ben Lomas, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you, thank you. Nazeem, what's it like being Muslim? When do you get your ideas? And just the one thing you just said, what is it you need to do every episode? Oh, yeah get your ideas? Can you, and just the one thing you just said,

what is it, you need to do every episode if you just want to? Oh, yes, sorry. Oh, sorry,

yeah, yeah. And, and look, so, on behalf, myself, Carl Chandler,

on behalf of Little Dumb Club, if I may, make a full apology for what we said about Nazeem Hussain last week. Thank you. About, he gave us more than five minutes

to notice. There was a slight misunderstanding. That's enough. That's all you need to say. Thank you. My deepest apologies for what I said. I don't know if you're being sarcastic now, but that's cool. For all further crimes that Nazeem may do,

for all of the things he's stolen and got called out today. It's bordering on ironic now. For being an apologist for someone who KO'd someone on the weekend. Encouraging people to hit each other. for being an apologist for someone who KO'd someone on the weekend encouraging people to hit each other for driving a van into the through the

bollards I'll tell you what what a callback Nazeem you're doing the Edinburgh Fringe this year we have a few listeners over there

hey come on also in October I'm doing a gig at the Yarraville Club. Oh, nice. In Melbourne. Yeah, I saw posters

of that up already. Yeah, I'm like, get in early. Get in early. To give listeners a review of Nazeem's stand-up, I was doing a lot of trials with you at the start of the year

which were a lot of fun. I sent my parents to go and see your comedy festival show. Oh, that's not the real show. Yeah, and they loved it and in classic parent form, their response was like,

oh, it was really great. It's like and dad goes see why don't you do more stuff like that yeah cool well I'll convert to Islam and paint my face brown Lomas what do you got?

Just gigs check out benlomas.com that's what I do he owns that domain name yeah you're hosting my gig catfish comedy on the Tuesday

the what's that the 11th yeah the 11th and then I'm doing Carl you're always doing my ones check out all of our rooms which is

Tommy's catfish comedy on a Tuesday in Melbourne I am Thursday comedy club on a Thursday in Melbourne and basement comedy club on a Saturday night and of course

and find me on Instagram Ben Lomas coming don't worry about it we should mention this we should have probably mentioned this with Nazeem earlier, but we, if you haven't heard,

for the people who skip the ads at the start, we are going to the Just for Laughs Festival in Montreal. Massive era, they're huge. Amazingly, we have been handpicked for the most prestigious comedy festival

in the world. It's invite only and we are going to do a live podcast here on the Saturday afternoon. Yeah, and after that, the way bigger festival, the way. It's invite only, and we are going to do a live podcast here on a Saturday afternoon. Yeah, and after that, the way bigger festival, the way much more of a fit, the Just for Bullying Festival, which happens every year in Montreal the week after.

So that's the one I'm really looking forward to. And Bill's headlining. But Montreal, we will be there on July 29th. Yeah, 12pm at the Hyatt, I think, doing whatever this is. Yeah. Whatever this looks like. You've got to wrangle some big- whatever this is. Yeah. Whatever this looks like. You've got to wrangle some big-name guests on. Yeah.

That's the plan. That's the plan. So it's July. And should we say this? Are we confirmed to do this as well? I believe we are. Saturday, August 5th at 2pm at the Lyric Hyperion Theatre and Cafe in Los Angeles. We are doing an LA Californian live podcast.

So everyone, please, for all the American listeners, and we know that there is a bunch of you, we'd love to see if you want to come out, if you're at that end of the country. We are currently trying to organise maybe another one on the other coast, but definitely get into your social medias to find out all about that, please. But we'd love to see Canadian fans, Canadian listeners, please come to the Just for Laughs festival because we

have a big old venue and we would love to fill it with people who knew what the fuck we were on about yeah cool thanks heaps for listening

guys and we'll see you next time see you mates bye