The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 356 - Live! Andy Kindler, Ari Shaffir, Wil Anderson & Mark Forward

Episode Date: August 1, 2017

Conference Rooms, Elevator Peaches and Ricky Gervais.Recorded LIVE in Montreal as part of the Just For Laughs Festival on July 29, 2017.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode live from the Just for Laughs festival in Montreal with guests Andy Kindler, Ari Shafir, Will Anderson, Mark Forward and a tiny little bit of Stu Goldsmith. But first, we've got to give you guys a big rev up if you are in New York where we currently are. What could you do on Wednesday night, Carl? Oh man, we are out in Brooklyn. Hey, we're talking there. That's how people in Brooklyn talk. Wait, people in Brooklyn go, we're talking there.

Yeah, that's a direct quote. And they point down at the ground, just in front of them. So they're not talking about that far ahead. They're talking about the exact location of their feet. So if you want to see more of that sort of sweet riffing stateside, get your little heinies there to the Union Hall.

It's actually selling pretty well. Like I think we're going to have a nice little crowd in there, so that should be cool. But, yeah, if you're hearing this, as soon as it's come out, I believe it'll be tonight. Oh, wow. Like local time. By the time people in New York are hearing this. So, yeah, don't delay.

Yeah, we've got some great guests coming down. It's going to be a lot of fun. Down at the Union Hall in Brooklyn, which all anyone who knows that venue has said to us is how great that venue is, we'll be, you know, hanging around and dickheading it up afterwards. So, yeah, come check that out. We've actually got great guests confirmed. Yes. So, it's going to be

heaps of fun. Rare for us. And, yeah, look, we've been hanging out in New City for a few days, just mixing it up and just gathering content and just seeing funny street signs that we are going to absolutely take the mickey out of. It's going to be so good. Do you guys have that here, taking the mickey? Then Saturday at 2 p.m., August the 5th,

at the Lyric Hyperion Theatre in Los Angeles We're doing the last Live podcast of our North American jaunt Sure, we're quitting afterwards I was going to throw myself off the Hollywood sign I'd love to find out That that is

That's the Westgate of Hollywood I think, man, isn't there legendary stories About that, I think, I guess isn't there legendary stories about that? I guess we'll figure that out when we get there. Will we now? Yeah. I'm going to hang under there with a big net. What do you think happens if you get a cab from the airport and you just hop in and go, just to the Hollywood sign, thanks, mate.

All your baggage there under you, stars in your eyes. You can't do it though, can you? I don't think you can get that close. How high up can you get? Yeah. Again, this is all great. This will be grist for the mill come Saturday afternoon. So, yeah, great guests already confirmed for that.

And, yeah, it's going to be a lot of fun. So, yeah, if you've been sleeping on getting a ticket, do come down. Because, you know, like we've been saying, we've come a long-ass way to do these shows. And it would be nice to be doing them to rooms with some people in them. Yep. There's going to be some people. But, yeah, if you've been listening to this for years, this is your chance.

I mean, God, we haven't been here for years and years and we probably won't be again. So if you want to come and say hello and have a beer with us afterwards, definitely come along. Again, some cool guests. Yeah. So tickets for both of those, littledumbdumbclub.com. Do not miss out if you're an American.

If you're an Australian, specifically a New South Welshman, we are doing our big live show at the Sydney Opera House as part of the Just for Laughs Festival Sydney. And only a scant few tickets remain. If you've been sleeping on that, then please hop on, get a ticket. And because

this is so cool, we are so close to being able to say officially that we've sold out the Opera House. So get us over the line, guys, because we're just, I don't know about you, but I am chomping at the bit to be able to officially have said that. To get on social media and say, hey, guys, just sold out the Opera House. Just another day at the comedy office. And it's a screenshot of the map all sold out.

Yeah, and then it's you saying, oh, you know what? When I was a kid i always dreamed of performing opera at the sydney opera house and here i am yes being a professional fuckhead there and selling it out 10 years ago i was cleaning toilets at the opera house and now i've just sold it out 10 years ago i killed myself at the sydney opera house but 10 years later look here i am alive and selling at the Opera House. Rags to riches, that is. That's going to be really great.

And, yeah, we're planning some stuff for that show. It's going to be a massive show. It's going to be so much fun. So, yeah, get us over the line, guys. Come on. Before that, Brisbane, just a reminder, you need to turn up. You've sold it out. So you've got your tickets.

Just turn up to it. And that's going to be in a couple of weeks, so that'll be fun. And then, of course, we announced our Melbourne show, our last Melbourne show. The only one for this year from now on, for the last half of the year. We're only doing one. It's a huge, huge one, though. Of course, it's the June V Moon Spectacular. It's Lawrence Mooney. It's Fiona O'Loughlin, confirmed guests.

It's the favorite pairing of all time on this show for guests and we are going to do it live like we've never done it before it's going to be who knows like i'm genuinely excited slash scared as to where it's going to go because they're the most honest they're the most brutal guests um so who knows who knows what they've got up their sleeves i'm remaining cautious about it because i think it's one of those things that i'm sure it'll be fun but the more you hype it up and go this is going to be like the most fucking full on thing ever. I'm cautious about doing that too much

because like for all we know we get to the day before and they've both like turned over a new leaf and become born again Christians and then we're in front of 500 people doing an hour about puppy dogs

and rainbows. Well why to sell it? No. I still think that'll be funny. Don't get me wrong. It'll be a great show either way. No, I'm not saying that. I'm more saying, oh, wow, who knows what's going to happen?

I genuinely don't know. The answer is no one. Yeah. So that is selling really well already. That is like, I think that's like a quarter full already, and it's like three months to go. It's October the 21st. There's people jetting in from interstate and so forth forth so um if you're one of those types you've got

plenty of time your little dicky hard with some maths what the number you told me the other day is probably i'd say closer to a third full is that what i said yeah right the number that you said what did i say you said we'd sold eight tickets I thought I said we'd sold a third of our tickets. You said a quarter just before. Oh, did I? Yeah. Oh, okay. This is great stuff. I'm fucked. We got Milan'd last night at the Comedy Cellar, by the way, everyone. So, yeah, littledumbdumbclub.com.

So you've got New York Wednesday, August the 2nd. You've got LA Saturday, August the 5th. You've got Sydney Thursday, September the 14th. And then you've got LA. Saturday, August the 5th, you've got Sydney. Thursday, September the 14th. And then you've got Melbourne, October the, is it 21st? 21st. 21st.

Saturday night. Yeah. Now, what's coming up now is the new episode. It's a new episode of us live from Montreal. So we were in Canada for four days, so it was all very interesting. It was a big trade fest, wasn't it? It was heaps of awesome comics hanging around. We went and saw heaps of cool shows.

And we did record this at midday on the Saturday, which was the podcasting hour, the comedy hour. Yeah, and it's worth pointing out, I just edited the episode then, we do shit on the number of people that are in the room frequently throughout the app. But it is worth pointing out that we actually did okay for numbers. We did better than we thought we were going to for numbers.

Totally. We actually got decent numbers. It was just a big room. It was a big room. By no means was it – I felt like I should point that out because listening back to it, I'm like, man, we pointed out a lot. Someone did tell me that afterwards and said, you said it too much. Yeah, yeah, you definitely said it too much.

I've edited a few of them out and there's still too many. But, yeah, it was a wonderful experience. It was amazing to be over there, to get to do it, admittedly, in kind of, you know, yeah, odd conditions in a large conference room at midday. But, yeah, it was great. People, a big shout out to the listeners who travelled from Toronto and from New York to make it there and quite a few of them stuck

around afterwards and we all went and got lunch together. This is the thing now, we're so accessible that our live shows now, it's not just doing the gig and getting in and out. It's like an eight hour commitment because people want to hang around afterwards and that's cool. We're not big enough that we can just be shuffled out through the back.

So our gigs now just, it's like a meet and greet is kind of automatically built into everything we do. Totally. You see the other podcasts and they charge for a meet and greet, and we're, like, begging people, can you come and have lunch with us? Can you show us how to eat? It is, and I don't mean this to sound ungrateful,

because it is great, but it is, I'm slowly now just realising what a time commitment these live gigs have turned into. Like after this gig, I was going, great. Oh, I'm really tired. We'll do the show. Then I'll nap for a few hours and then great. I'll be revived and ready to go watch shows and go to parties and stuff. And then, you know, you say hi to three people at the end of the gig, all of a sudden it's

7pm. Yeah. We're still hanging around with these people. And plus, I think part of the fascination was because Milan. Milan was with us. Definitely, yeah. There's more star power coming from Milan than from either of us. I think there's a lot more people fascinated with him than us.

So they all wanted to hang around and get Milan'd as well. People just... I mean, if I wasn't in the position I'm in, I wouldn't believe it. I think people just want to see for themselves if the legends are true. Like if I heard about this mythical guy that just shouts, everyone drinks regardless of, you know, regardless of gender,

colour or creed, I would think there's no way this can be true. And I don't want to big that up. Because I don't like it when people start going, oh, yeah, let's go. It's like a magic lamp or something. Let's rub the lamp and get the free drinks out of it. It's not like that. Milan's a great guy. He's crazy and get the free drinks out of it. It's not like that. Milan's a great guy. He's crazy and it's good to be around him. He draws people to him.

Yes, yes. He just happens to have bought us a few drinks over the years. Yes, especially last night. Oh, man. A few too many last night. Well, you'll hear about that in future, probably next week. You'll probably hear about that. But, yeah, anyway, big shout out to those people that came down

and who we ended up going to Dirty Dogs with afterwards. It was wonderful to meet you guys and it means a great deal that you travel even if you travel from a block away it is huge but yeah people getting people got the train like overnight to come down and see us and that was really great so shout out to all those people look hopefully it's not the last time we ever do something like that but it was great if that was the only time we do it then it was a great experience so that's all we need to say about this. Oh, by the way, look, we're going to give you guys a special little treat this week

and not do any Patreon names. Now, is this us just wanting to be generous for the sake of content, or did one of us walk over to the other one's hotel room and forget to bring his laptop with all the names on them? Let's not say. You guys can work that out for yourselves. That seems like an elaborate excuse if that's not true. But hey.

You and me sitting here scheming for like half an hour. Yeah. What can we make up? We do. No, but thank you to everyone who subscribes, obviously on Patreon. You get the free magazine. You get the free episodes, bonus episodes. You get your name read out most weeks.

Not this week because I do not have the list in front of me. But I did remember one off the top of my head. Oh, here we go. Yeah. Yeah. So should we do one this week? Yeah. I had a list ready to go and all I can remember is the number five on the list.

Oh, really? Yeah. Well, all right. Well, let's just do, hey, that's better than nothing. Yeah, sure. We get one of them out of the way That would mean that this week This person definitely won't complain

Yeah that's great it's better for you to Do one that you remember Other than I mean we could sit here and just make one up You know no one's going to know we could just make up a fake list But what's the point of that Exactly why would you do that I mean it's a miracle that you even managed to have one in your head Ready to go so let's just be thankful That that's what we a, I mean, it's a miracle that you even managed to have one in your head ready to

go. So let's just be thankful that that's what we've got. Cause I don't have a great memory with stuff like this. I'm terrible with names, but somehow I've got one of them. Okay. So let's pretend we've read out, let's pretend that we were doing five this week for a change and we've read out the other four. Yep.

We've had fun with them. Thanks guys. Yeah. And then, uh, yeah, what's, what do you got? So the last one this week, this one that I've got. I've got it written down on my phone, actually. Oh, you wrote it down, too? Yeah, yeah, just to remember.

Excellent. I'm pretty sure I had it, but this confirms it. Yep, this is the one. Uh-huh. All right. Well, okay, a few things interesting going on here. I hadn't really looked into the name until now, and now I'm looking at it going, oh, right.

Two different things that are sort of unusual about this, I guess. One of them is, look, it's a familiar surname, I have to admit. We've had one of these or a few of these on before. But also, it sort of sinks into this week's episode, it being in Montreal as well, sort of, I think. Great, great. Yeah. Montreal, the French-speaking place in Canada.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber Pepe La Comedy, the comedy family Pet Skunk. Pet Skunk. So is it something where, like, the mittens, the comedy cat, like Pepe is constantly, something happens where the comedy cat ends up looking like comedy itself and then Pepe chases it around trying to rape it? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, a big paint bucket splats on the back of mittens, the comedy cat. Oh, wonderful stuff Yeah No no You know what it would be It would be that Mittens the comedy cat Has comedy on it

On the back of it already And then paint Spills onto it And blacks out The comedy Which means That Pepe la comedy Now wants to fuck it

Because it doesn't realise It's in the same family Oh great Okay great great, great. Yeah. That makes sense. That's a wonderful premise for a cartoon. Mistaken incest.

Fantastic. And also cats walking around with comedy written on the back of them just to make sure everyone knows what family it belongs to. No, but it's not. I mean, it's like a birthmark. It's just like a pattern in its fur. And that's just coincidence. Right. That's why the comedy family, when they saw it, it was like a birthmark it's just like it's got like a pattern in its fur and that's just coincidence that's why the comedy family

when they saw it it was like a stray and they took they knew they had to take it in it was speaking to them of course that's all hypothetical

because you don't have any inside knowledge of the comedy family I wouldn't have thought I've got the access to the information here on the Patreon so yeah

I liked by the way I liked before when you said Montreal the French speaking place in Canada do you think that's what's on their license plate? Yeah.

Welcome to Montreal, or as you might know it, the French-speaking place in Canada. Yeah, it's like Victoria, the Garden State back home. Totally. French-speaking place in Canada. I would have gone with... Place is really hedging your bets. You don't even know if it's a city or a town. Well, Montreal, the French-speaking joint in Canada.

I think that's nicer. Yes. Like Spike Lee style. A Spike Lee joint. Yes. A French-speaking joint. Yeah. All right.

Enjoy this episode live from Just for Laughs Montreal. It was a great day. If you've never heard of Andy Kindler or Mark Ford before, or even Ari Shafir. Or even Will Anderson. You know what? Let's give a quick plug here. If you are in Edinburgh, we are not going to be there.

Of course, there's going to be heaps of friends of the show there, including Mark Ford, who is on this episode. He's in it a bit, but fair to say that one of the other guests does kind of take over and start running the show. But Mark Forward, we both went and saw his solo show in Montreal, and it was honestly one of the best stand-up shows I've ever seen. I loved it. It was so good, and that's why we were so excited to have him on the show. It was so funny. It was like, you know what, we probably mean you probably don't go to a lot of comedy shows

and laugh out loud. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because for people that don't realise this, because you're in the industry, you've seen so much, you sort of don't laugh that much anymore. Yeah, you can see a lot of stuff coming. But this is like a genuinely surprising show. It's got a great mix of him just doing stand-up

and then him doing all this other weird inventive stuff. If you like your weird stuff, if you like this thing, if you like our live podcasts and stuff like that, you've probably got a slightly, you know, askew sense of humour maybe, but yeah, you will dig this guy. But it's weird, but it's never like right off the deep end weird. It's always still like rooted in enough kind of real world stuff to just be kind of silly and fun.

Yeah, I personally cannot recommend it enough. So yeah, if you're in Edinburgh, he's there for the whole month, I believe, at the Guild of Balloon. And I don't... I assume maybe he's doing something in London or something afterwards, but definitely look him up on Twitter and go see him. Highly recommend it. I'm actually upset that I don't

get a chance to see it again. I hope he comes to Australia with it, because it was such a good show. Yeah, hopefully. Hopefully. So yeah,, hopefully. Hopefully. So, yeah, do that. Do that. If you're anywhere near Scotland, if you're staying at Dave Callan's place in Scotland, go down and see Mark Ford.

Very, very funny. That's the license plate in Scotland, Dave Callan's place. Yeah. All right, guys, that's enough from us. LittleDumbDumbClub.com for all those tickets. Enjoy this episode live from the Montreal Just for Laughs Festival. Hey, mates. Welcome to the Little Dumb Dumb Club

live from the Just for Laughs Festival for Montreal. Thank you so much for joining us. My name is Tommy Daslow and sitting next to me, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. Get it, dickheads. Hey, we did it. Wow.

Why are you here? Is there anyone here that listens to us? Yeah. Oh, nice. Oh, nice. Wow, what a long way to go for a very thinly dispersed audience. So good. Montreal, French Canada,

Justin Trudeau, Poutine, the Louvre, just French things guys. Just all the great French things. Went and saw the Mona Lisa earlier. We are part of the Just the Last Festival so it's the most prestigious comedy festival in the world. Can't you tell? Look around guys. Yeah, hey, well they don't just let anyone

in obviously. This was free so that's justified the plane ticket So everyone at home got really excited that we've been chosen to come here And fair enough, it's like very prestigious Invite only, all that sort of stuff And just before we left, they had a special on TV, on Australian TV Of like the best of Just for Laughs Festival Which they often have back there

And I'm like, oh, I might just watch this It's like a day out, so I started watching it Just to go, you know, here's all the The thought like oh I might just watch this it's like a day out so I started watching it just to go you know here's the thought process I might just watch this just to see you know the elite that get invited and literally the only thing I saw was not like Bill Burr

not like Louis CK it was a woman that walks on stage and puts a kazoo in her vagina and plays the star spangled banner I'm like oh now i know why we're invited but we are the we're the australian equivalent of that lady i'd like to think yeah we get to do a bit of men at work on that thing oh yeah well we just quickly like we so yeah this is the fourth day that we've been here so this is like kind of the last day that we're here that we're doing this show we've been here for like a day

and a half and we were going to bed and we got an email from the festival basically saying what saying hey guys thanks for thanks for coming all this way sorry i didn't get to meet you anyway just organizing your transport to the uh airport tomorrow for your flight out of here and we were like we haven't done the gig yet we've been here for 24 hours and they're already trying to kick us out but what i like is that we're at midday uh we're in a big hotel room um the the music as you guys have been sitting here is some sort of funeral slash library music um and uh as i come in i said are we gonna have any warm-up music and they're like, why?

And I'm like, you know, something to pump people up. And the guy goes, well, I don't think people are going to be very pumped up at midday on a Saturday. Yeah, that's why I wanted the fucking music. Well, it's good to be in Montreal. We've been being roasted by someone on Twitter saying, you fucking idiots, why didn't you come to Toronto? Why didn't you come to Toronto? Well, if we're going to do this well in Montreal, why don't we do a full Canadian tour? Let's take this show on the road, yeah.

I want to quarter fill all the venues in this country. Let's do it. Let's go. Let's keep going until we have an empty one. Then we go home. Yeah, we're in Montreal. So who's locals here? Is there a lot of locals or people travelled?

Yeah, nice one. We're here, like, as part of the Just for Laughs festival. It's not really a festival like, you know, Melbourne Comedy Festival. It's more of like a conference, isn't it? Yeah. It's like a showbiz, isn't it? Okay, that's funny. Cool.

One of our guests is laughing at that, so that's cool. Yeah. Yeah, it's more of a conference in that, well, I'd like to think it's more of a conference which explains the low attendance numbers, I guess. It's very showbiz, isn't it? Yeah. Like, there's a lot of people doing actual pitches and stuff. We're like, we're fucking idiots.

Like, we don't do anything. Like, it's weird to come here and see Hollywood sort of stuff happening right in front of us. I was in the gym yesterday morning. All right, mate. You can tell. Well, there is a difference. Those pecs look a day old. They're great.

Shut the fuck up. And I'm on the treadmill. There's a guy next to me on the treadmill running, reading a pitch for a murder mystery as he's running. He's literally going through, reading a full pitch for a murder mystery as he's running. Was he acting out the bit where the killer's chasing the person down a hallway? No, he was a fat guy.

He said he's probably going to die soon, so that's part of it. Well, there's no mystery there. That's not really murder. Yeah, so he's probably going to die soon. So that's part of it. Well, there's no mystery there. Yeah. That's not really murder. Yeah. So that's fucking bizarre. I mean, this guy probably gets missed out on making that movie because the guy couldn't be fucked running anymore. But the name of the movie was, at the start of the document,

was Murder Mystery Movie. Oh, is this the team from Scary Movie? They're back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's probably one reason why that movie wouldn't have got through well we overheard someone pitching a script the other day but like the day we got here and the pitch started with them going it's homeward bound meets kill bill so fucking keep an eye out for that one guys that sounds like it's gonna be great what is that movie going to be?

Just someone going absolutely hell for leather on a Labrador with a katana? Like, what is that going to be? Anyway, let's get our first guest out here. Folks, great friend of the show, please welcome me to the little dum-dum club, Will Anderson! Will Anderson! Thank you. It's a sign of how well this is going for you guys,

that the first guest you have is someone from your own fucking country. All the best comedians in the world at this festival, and you had to get me on the show. You were the only guest we had about 12 hours ago. I know. In fact, I think I helped get the other two. Yeah. guest we had about 12 hours ago so i know in fact i think i helped get the other two yeah did they offer you guests like how does it work with this festival did they say by the way this is a real hello ari look at this oh are you just hang on

welcome our second guest someone that we didn't actually book but welcome someone that we didn't actually book, but you're welcome. The Irish are here, everyone. What's happening, guys? Is this the culture over here? If you have a podcast,

you can just storm into anyone else's show? I shot the car yesterday. He was drunk. He said, come down, and you just did. I thought you were just doing podcast interruptions. I have a great podcast. Just tell me what podcasts have been interrupted all through the festival

well there's like there is about like 20 podcasts on so you could literally just walk into each of them and do a cameo right yeah see how uncomfortable people would get if they'd be like oh this isn't for you you're just sitting on the end of my dad wrote a porno just like well welcome thanks man I was gonna

wait but then I was like fuck it yeah we get it yeah I know you saw this Well, welcome. Thanks, man. I was going to wait, but then I was like, fuck it. Yeah. Yeah, we get it. Yeah, I know. You saw this red hot room full of 40 people went, I need to fucking get on now before this calms down. For people listening, this is definitely 37 or below. It's a good amount of people,

but the problem with a podcast audience is this is quite a big room. And because they're people who normally listen to the thing by themselves they are so scared of being close to other people that they spread themselves as far apart from each other as they possibly can. Yeah, it's a whole lot of quarantine patience that it looks like we're playing to. What were you saying before, Tommy? Before we were rudely interrupted by people much more talented than us? Well, it was a good point.

You were talking about not having any good guests on the show and then one just put himself in. You were talking about not having any good guests on the show and then one just put himself in. So, keep talking about that. Another one might have won. Yeah, we sent out the content signal. Yeah.

Obviously, they think Tommy's got cancer again and it's a make-a-wish thing. That's great. If I'd banked it up, I would have been like, yeah, using it now. All right, I'm catching

in my make-a-wish. We want Jim Carrey on the podcast. That's what we were saying. You said, wasn't there any help from the festival about getting guests? They did say, they said, you know, send in your requests and we'll help you out. And so I went, okay. And I listed like eight people and they came back and went, wow, that's a lot of great people you've listed there.

It's like, yeah, they're your guests from the fucking festival. You don't need to thank me. They're yours. And then they come back and went, absolutely not. None of them. Did they offer other suggestions or they just went, nah, fuck it. No, that was it. So that's why. But anyway, thanks for coming on.

Thanks. Thanks for having us. I did the same thing, by the way. I was booking my guests for my podcast at three, 30 minutes ago. Right. Yeah, I had a month to do it. In fact, is this why you've come in to do this podcast? They're trying to get a few of these guys to come at three. Is that the plan?

I had to find out what floor it was on, too. So I had to tell people something. Yeah, you're just here trying to get a good seat early for your own show. Don't want to miss out on that primo position I got here. Second from the end. Can we get another mic, I guess, for eventually when we get all the guests up here? I mean, that's a good problem to have, though. We can share it around.

We can make it work. You've literally got too many guests now. Yeah. Can we get an extra mic and 40 extra punters? And a little money for coming over and doing this thing too if you can sort that out. I like when you said

40 extra punters and the tech guy just nodded his head like no. We're aware we can't do that. You could have Jim Carrey on this thing

people still wouldn't want to come in if it meant seeing you two cunts. Hey we just told we weren't not allowed to say that in Canada. Do you guys have

that word over here? Yes. People thought I was seriously asking. That's great. Well, I was seriously wanting to know as well. Yeah, here we go. It's a bit more of a serious word here, though, right? Is that your experience?

In Canada, I don't know. America, for sure. America is the woman's N-word. The what? Oh, the woman's N-word. Or your A-word for Aborigine? I don't know what you guys thought. No, no, you were there to for Aborigine? I don't know what you guys thought of that.

No, no, you're allowed to say Aborigine. That one's fine. There's some other ones you can't say. That one's actually quite a technical correct word. That's okay. Wait, do you guys have your own black derogatory terms? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. What? We're a little bit sophisticated. We don't have to just copy your ones.

Yeah, we not only have them but we name our cheeses after them. That's a great joke if anyone understands what it is. Again, we come all this way to make jokes about an Australian brand of cheese. Do you call your black people American sliced? It's a weird time of the day to be getting into this. Pre-lunch is the time for this sort of discussion. Should we get our next guest out here? Sure.

Our third guest, technically. Folks, we saw this guy's show last night and we loved it. You guys are going to love him, so please make a lot of noise. Welcome me to the little Dumbass Club, Mark Ford. Mark Ford. Make a lot of noise. Welcome into the little Dumbbell Club, Mark Ford. Oh, you guys are talking about word for black people and then the fifth white guy comes on your show.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a really diverse show, this. You better hope that sixth guest is a black Muslim woman. Hey, I did not sit on a plane for 20 hours to finally have this show be diverse I'll be fucked if I'm going to come all this way to change things up now Six hours ago

we were struggling to get white guys on as if we could get someone different We are sticking around for another week to take part in the Just for Men's Rights Festival which I think is when we're really going to shine up here. Yeah, podcasting, because white men needed another thing. I felt so much stress coming up. I didn't know I should sit.

I'm Canadian, and I was so worried about the chairs. You've got one chair left. No, that's really good, because I actually have a really terrible back, and I have not been able to get comfortable in this seat for the entire time. So when our next guest gets up, I'm going to let him sit down and then I'm just going to stand in a way that doesn't hurt my back. You can take that mic and be the roving reporter around the crowd. Yeah, let's interview everyone here.

That'll knock off a good minute and a half. Ask them all the same question. Why are you here? What's gone wrong? Just keep moving around the chair to make it look like we're full. I feel like my favourite people I'd like to talk to are these guys in the front row, which

seems like I imagine a dad and son. Is that what's going on here? Yeah. Which one's which? I want to know who's the fan of the podcast. Yeah, the son. And dad is here going, what the fuck is this? That's how much I love my son. How old are you,

buddy? 14. Wow, your voice changed mid-number then. Did we just make a man out of you? Andy, are you guys Montreal locals? No. Where did you come from? New York.

New York? New York. We're doing a show there in three days. You fucked up. You didn't let him finish. He said not specifically for this. Oh, right, right. Yeah, let him finish his sentence.

He came to see other people and you just happened to be here. Well, I felt good for a second. Thanks. I just don't want you to get too big. There's no worrying about that. I love that they didn't even remove chairs. You know what I mean? Well, we got asked before if we would mind being seat fillers

for a taping that's on tonight. Why aren't they doing that for us? This is technically a taping. We don't want to sound dumb when we put this up. You've been shitting on the sound guy since it started. He's not recording this. So what did you come up to Montreal to see?

You. Me. He can't back out now. My real guess is he came to lose his virginity. His dad was going to pay for it. Yeah. This is not that sort of podcast. This is no free roots included. But paid roots, I mean, we're happy to dish them out.

Got to pay for the trip somehow. Yeah, yeah. Got to get home somehow. That's right. He's 14. We should stop talking like that. Sorry, yeah. Gotta get home somehow. That's right. He's 14. We should stop talking like that. Sorry, Dad. Are we cool?

Oh, yeah, we're way cool. We're way cool. He's heard it all. He's heard it all. What's he heard? I also love that not only... Oh, I thought you meant like you've got thin walls

in your house or something. Do you dab? Do you dab? Can you dab? Me? Yeah. Hell yeah. Oh, yeah. That was cool.

Man, are you into Pokemon? X, Y, and Z. How many fidget spinners do you own? None. None. You're not a real 14-year-old. It's a cop.

Get the fuck out of here, man. Get out. No, what are you doing telling our audience members to get out of here make room for more tumbleweeds get out of here what do you fill your content with when there isn't a shitty crowd there's always a shitty crowd i like how they got sad Like sitting in an empty room Wasn't sad enough for them

Pointing it out Their life decision made them sad I don't think you're a shitty crowd I'm just talking about the numbers Not you individually If it makes you feel any better My show was sold out last night and half of them did not turn up.

Half of the audience did not turn up. The only thing that made me happy about that was I imagined it had been a group booking and there'd been a serious accident and they'd all die. You're right, that does make me feel better. That makes me feel better about here. Now I'm imagining 200 people dead.

Well done, survivors, for crawling out of that wreck. We live to see another day. Shall we get another guest on? Yeah, sure. Let's get our fourth guest out. Folks, yeah, very happy to have this guy on. We saw him yesterday do his State of the Industry dress here at Just for Laughs. Please welcome Andy Kindler.

Damn, Will is limping. Yeah, I got shot nine times. Like 50 cent, mate. That's why I walk with a limp. I see the way Ari jumped up to help. I started to move. Sorry, you can't at home see how hilarious my comment was. Guys, it's a good advertisement

for coming to a live show. You can see people limp. Andy, this is our first time. That was funny, and I only heard two of those words. Thank you. Which was your favorite? You guys are funny. I know I shouldn't sound surprised, but I often am surprised by humor. Right. You guys are great. Well, this is our first year here. You did

your State of the Industry address yesterday? I did it yesterday. I took him down, baby. What? I took Arisha Fear down. I said that I did your story show, This Is Not Happening, and I should have taken a clue from the name of the show that this is not happening

because they never showed my actual footage on the air. So it wasn't happening. What do you people want? It's 12.15. Don't you want some polished street jokes? Well, yeah, so you've been coming to this festival for many years now. This is our first year. We've got one more night here.

We want to break big over here. What's your advice for tonight? You mean to break big here? Yeah, we need this. Oh, you have to go viral. Am I right? Mark has some bacterial videos. What you do is, and if anybody in the audience wants to do this,

just make a funny thing, like a vine of some kind. Like you just take a drink and you're like, oh, I don't like it. And you put it out there and you just wait for the viral thing to take off. I can't even get my viruses to go viral. But Jimmy Fallon does a potato sack race and China downloads it. Well, that's wonderful advice. I can't wait to take that on board.

That was not good advice. What? I thought you were going to ask me where to eat and stuff. You've had the bagels? We've had the bagels. This is the world's greatest bagels in Montreal, right? St. Peter bagels are great. And also smoked meat?

I sound like a tourist guide. You might want to try the French section. What is the deal, Mark? What is the deal with people speaking French? What is literally going on? What is the deal? Why? We'll be back with people who know nothing

about history. And we'll get through all the nationalities don't worry. Welcome to If Seinfeld Was Racist. Oh by the way, I can't believe that Ari thought Aborigine would be some kind of a slur. Hey hey Aborigine, Aborigine!

It can't be, it's too long a word. Jew, hey, Jew, Jew, Jew. See? That's a nice sound. Yeah, so why do people... Oh, shit. A journalist is asking a question. Can you answer it? He's from the country.

That's what I mean. That's why I'm asking him. Yeah, but that's a stupid question. No, no, no. There are no stupid questions. They're just stupid ways to ask it. Thank you. We both work for 60 Minutes back home, so a bit of respect, thanks, okay? You do 60 Minutes? Yeah, we do.

Is there a 60 Minutes in every country? Yes. Yeah, there is. Oh, you got me going! God damn it. Because they do that in Canada. They have Canadians. You think we were the host of 60 Minutes. How dumb do you think Australia is? No, no.

Andy Rooney. You go, I don't like pizza. Why are my fingernails long? Just when you said, is there 60 Minutes in every country, it was fun to assume that you weren't talking about the TV show.

We're doing alright. We have hours. Mark, come on. Be nice and tell them what the deal is. Every time I go to fucking answer, you start talking. No, no, no, no. I'm not going to interject again. Andy said he didn't want to do polished

bits and then he went into a five minute bit. All memorized stuff. Everything. Done the street jokes before. I don't know the history of Canada. I live here. I don't know. I do.

I do know the history. A bunch of French people came, and they settled, and they stayed at one spot because they liked it. But why didn't they? But the rest of the country speaks English, yeah? Yeah. Well, why didn't they? It was a whole huge area.

A whole huge area that just spoke French. Why weren't they bred out? It's kind of like Chinatown. I don't think that's correct at all. They just all lived in one place. Can you see this? This sort of boring discussion feels like what should be happening in this room. What's a boring discussion?

Because no one can finish a fucking sentence. Oh, boy, Mark with the potty mouth. I am angry! I feel like there's a chance you have too many guests. Oh Will, where'd you go? Look over here! You can't be off camera. People might see you.

I wish people had like a third ear pod in their ear. You know, because you can see that Will's in the back of the room. Do you know what I mean? Like a third stereo sound oh this podcast goes out in Dolby they'll be able to hear that is this going Dolby

no Dolby C what is it about our accent that makes everyone think take everything we say at face value I guess it's because they just saw us

I guess it's because they saw us do the first ten minutes and no one laughed and went oh they don't do comedy you guys are funny you guys are funny and I'm giving you the Kindler bump.

I don't know. You want to be alienated by the rest of the industry? Do you want to get on the board? What? Because we were listening to you yesterday. Now, you have a thing with Ricky Gervais. Oh, I can't stand him. You have a thing with Ricky Gervais?

I have a huge feud with him. Because the thing is, I make fun of all comedians, right? So I make fun of him, and then he just, because he has, on his Twitter page, he's like, every picture's like... For people of horror, Andy opened his mouth. And he's

like totally going, oh, my shows are sold out. Or if someone insults him, he goes, well, I'll just go back to my mansion now and relax over there. And then he's such a mean, I don't like mean new atheists. And people think that atheism is science. You know, it's like, I don't know what your sky wizard is up to. So anyway, he gets into a whole thing with me.

He decides to call me a troll. Then there's a guy I blocked on Twitter who wrote this hit piece on me. He, Ricky Gervais, puts it on his Facebook page. So millions of people start to barrage me. He's a mean, nasty person. He's not the character of David Brent. Just to be clear, you're calling someone a mean, nasty person for being mean to you after you fucking started it.

No, but don't you think that's a good point? Good point. Good point. Solid point. Solid point. Hey, hey, they don't give jobs from 60 minutes to no one. It's a good point. It's a solid point. It's a solid point. Yeah. But you think if you were... Hey, hey, they don't give jobs from 60 minutes to the morning.

Yeah, you can't. But if you were making a hundred million pounds or whatever in the bank, do you really think you'd spend all that time going after me and sending...

And he calls me mental and all that kind of stuff. He also does... You know what he does? He searches his name. He doesn't just search the at Ricky Gervais he searches

he goes into it yeah he says I never he never mentions that's his big thing I've never mentioned my troll's name and you know what I did

last night what I blocked them boom is that good yes because he keeps saying

he's making a big deal. Oh, I don't have to block my troll. My troll is making me... He said he had pity for me once. He said, oh, my troll is... So now, he was going to block me at some point. Don't you think I'd be into the punch?

Yeah, you got him. I won! What's your favourite Ricky Gervais vehicle? What's that? What's your favourite Ricky Gervais vehicle? I like the original

office. I thought it was fantastic and I liked extras. The original office I thought was great and extras was pretty good.

What about when he pretends to be disabled or whatever that show is? I could not watch that show. Have you tried to watch that show?

I tried to watch it. I went blind a couple years ago so I'm not going to watch it. You were blind? Yeah. I'm just good at it.

Amazing at it. You just walked right out. That's how you got on this podcast. You didn't know where you were going. Disability. Is this Schwartz's? Can I have one of those sandwiches, please? Will, you have to come and sit here.

I can't sit down, Andy. You sit down. I'm going to come and get my coffee, though, because I left it up there on the table. I don't like it. Well, we figured with you Hollywood types, being in Montreal and all these pitches happening, we started writing some pitches and

we figured we'd run by you guys to see if we could make them better in any way. When you say peaches, you were referring to... Quick question. What do you think my name is? Carl? Yeah. That's good. A lot of people in here think my name is? Carl? Yeah. All right. That's good.

A lot of people in here think my name is Cal, Cole, Kyle, or Coral. But you got it. That's good. Oh, yeah. I've had sex with drunk Australian girls before, so you've got to be able to hear the accent. So you know my name. Or we've got your name. The spiritual king, yeah.

BCR Kelly of Australia. Ari, can you just say it a little slower? Can you just say his name a little slower for me? Carl. I just love The Walking Dead and it hasn't been on for a while. I've seen his thing. You've seen his thing? He took his thing out of the club and I saw it.

And I cancelled my portobello mushrooms. He took his thing out of the club and I saw it. And I cancelled my portobello mushrooms. Did you take that out of the club? That was a nine year callback. I know. You never let it go. I didn't think

it was crazy. I happened to enjoy that. Oh no, I mean the callback to fucking it. I've never seen one that long. That was great.

But I'm talking about he had, forget it. You'll see. But I'm talking about... Forget it. Why did you take it? Was it part of a bit? Brody Stevens was hosting a show and he's super homophobic so I just took my dick out and stood next to him.

Oh, I didn't know that was the reason why. Yeah, I know. It would make him uncomfortable. He got molested or something. One of those. I don't know. And lost everybody.

Okay, great. Your dick lost everybody. Yeah. That's weird. All right. Anyway, great. Your dick lost everybody. Yeah. That's weird. All right. So. Anyway, Paul, thank you. We've got these sweet elevator peaches that we've been working on.

Yeah. Peaches. From Coral. So we've got these peaches. All right, here we go. Stop saying peaches. Jesus Christ, Australia. Get it together.

We play. This Christ, Australia. Get it together. We play... This is the peach. We play... We play the two forgotten Hemsworth brothers. Their mum was drinking heavily throughout the pregnancy. We arrive in Hollywood looking to make a comic book movie as well. We both land the role of Casper the ghost. And by land the role of a ghost ghost I mean we both kill ourselves.

The Beverly Hillbillies meets What's Eating Gilbert Grape. I'm saying episodic for sure. A show, not a movie, like a TV show? Yeah, an ongoing show. Where does a show go when the end of the pilot is us killing ourselves though? Where's that two go? Oh, I'm sorry. I thought that was

the beginning. Where do you see these ghosts in five years? That's what I wanted to know. That's what they tell you? Can ghosts kill themselves? Because that could

be interesting. Oh, yeah. Oh, ghost suicide. Yeah. Oh. Would you have other ghosts trying to talk you

out of it, saying there's too much to not live for? That's very good because a ghost, yeah, you can't throw yourself off a bridge when you're a ghost. You just fly. Wait, can you throw yourself off a bridge when you're not a ghost? Yes.

That's how you become a ghost. You jump. Oh. Right? A ghost can still jump. You don't have to turn and throw yourself? Yeah, but... In Canada?

Okay, forget it. It's lost in French translation. Well, why don't you weigh in, huh? See, you guys don't make it happen. Hey guys, I thought there wasn't enough white podcasters on the stage so I've run into Stu Goldsmith from the Comedians Comedian Podcast. Would you like to be part of the podcast, Stu? Do you want to know how we come up with this magic? Yeah. No, not really.

It's pretty apparent. Whoa. You guys really take the piss out of me. This guy gets it. Can we get every podcaster that's in the Hyatt right now down here but like a

we are the world style. Who's got Mark Maron's number here? You don't call yourself broadcasters, though, do you? I haven't seen people do that. Oh, I'm not just

a host, I'm a broadcaster. You know what I'm talking about? They used to do that with like Johnny Carson. They'd call him a

broadcaster. Look, people, I'm so sick and tired of your negative attitude towards my half-baked unfunny statement. Hey, quiet down.

I've got another peach. What? Are you hungry? Alright, next one for me and Tommy. A reboot of Mad Max based on our trip to Montreal. Two Australians take a long trip in one direction, only to get to the destination

and get absolutely nothing out of it, so then we go all the way back again. Crocodile... I have a name. Crocodile Dundon. A great riff on the original. Crocodile Dundon. Yeah. Hey, hey. That's not a riff.

That's a riff. Peter Allen is dead. Thanks for rubbing it in. No, come on. That is... I do a joke now where I'm at my father's...

You do Peter Allen jokes? No, no, but I do a joke where I say, I'm at my father's funeral and my mother turns to me and she says, Andy, I have to, but you?

That's another joke based on when you catch your best friend in bed with your wife and you go, Eddie, I have to, but you? And's another joke based on when you catch your best friend in bed with your wife and you go, Eddie, I have to, but you? And I put it in an inappropriate setting. Right, but pay to Alan. You know what we're talking about, right? No.

You know it, right? Hands up if you know what he's talking about. Did I have gay... The guy goes home from a party... Was Peter Allen your lawyer? No, Peter Allen was a famous entertainer. And so he says, did I have gay... The guy goes home from a party... Was Peter Allen your lawyer? No, Peter Allen was a famous entertainer. And so he says, did I have gay sex with you last night?

And he goes, Peter Allen has gay sex. What you did was just... Like that. Why don't you read a book? Get out of the mystery room. I think several people are reading a book instead of listening to me.

Nobody knows who Peter Allen is. Yeah, I know who he is. I still don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Then I would say the problems with the material once again. The only people that said yes, they know him, by the way, are people that said yeah with two syllables. So I feel like it's not an American thing.

I don't know. Lost everybody? Good? Something's wrong with everyone. It's think everybody, something's wrong with everyone. It's Peter Allen. Nothing's wrong with everyone, it's just midday. There's nothing wrong with anyone. You're just saying Peter Allen

and then telling an unrelated story. And it's like, don't you know why there's a connection there? What is midday? Is that where you beach? What? Oh, I'm making fun of the Australian accent. How rich.

Let's just quickly say, you came out to Australia about, what, four years ago? Yeah, yeah. For the comedy festival. Yeah. And you were getting up in front of Australian audiences and doing a bit of gear about Dennis Kucinich. Yeah, because I said I have progressive lenses and my glasses, once they voted for Dennis Kucinich.

Did I get up early just to help Andy work out his material? Did you ever take an interjection workshop? Get in here, baby! Wait, what are we talking about? Oh, no, no, I did... We need to book three guests. Andy Kindler.

Done. I'm not someone who dominates things and has issues and it's all about me. I'm not a narcissist. Who's your three least favorite people in Hollywood? Ooh. One forward?

I'm not even there. Who's a horrible... Like an actor or something? I can't think of anything. You still hate Leno. I don't hate him like I hate Ricky Gervais. I mean, I really despise Ricky Gervais. Has your Leno hatred gone down since he's been off the air?

Well, you know, Leno has a car that runs on the energy of all the people's dreams he's crushed. No, it has gone down. I even watch the car show. Not really. It feels like we're just sort of slightly heckling an hour of your material this time.

But that was for everyone, right? Do you think I'm in Hollywood when I'm in LA? I live in the Valley. I think that's one of your better Peter Allen jokes. Who's obnoxious? I don't know. Well, Dane Cook, but he's not, you know. He's just a little bit.

I can't believe that you're struggling to pick three people you don't like. Ricky Gervais, is he in Hollywood? Technically, yeah, I guess. I don't think people that live in Hollywood. I think just Hollywood. Technically, yeah, I guess. I don't think people that live in Hollywood. I think just Hollywood. Don't you mean celebrities of some type? No, just random people. My friend Eddie.

Oh my God, stop eating with your mouth open. Asshole. I don't like a lot of people. I don't like in the old days when they had Michael Eisner. Jeff Zucker, but he's in New York. But Michael Eisner, all the... I don't like a lot of the studio heads. Right. But now they're not

even the heads anymore. People don't know, people don't know studio heads. Neither do I, because Michael Eisner is not even in that job. All these jokes

are from the 90s. You can't pick out three people you hate, not even your top three? Give me some suggestions. Louis C.K. But he's not in Hollywood, though.

I don't like Louis C.K. Don't get put up by the geography I would say I'm not a fan not my cup of tea he makes me hate tea I did that joke about Will and Grace years ago I don't like him a lot

why don't you like him? are you one of his kids? I made fun of him at one of the speeches here and he's kind of a he's a creepy guy he came to Toronto I made fun of him at one of the speeches here. He's a creepy guy. He came to Toronto where I was doing a show. He comes backstage. Hi, hi, hi.

It was all nice. He's coming back there to menace me in some way. It seems like all the people you know. A week after I did it, a month after I did it, he came out of his way. That was right after that. Yeah, right after.

He didn't get set, but I know that he came down there to just give me a look. He for sure heard about it. There's no way he didn't hear about it. I heard about it. I can't reveal how. I know, but I know that he's not happy about it.

But again, you started it. It seems like you made all the rules. Oh, these aren't, the category isn't things you said horrible things about. It's the people you hate. It's the people you hate all the horribles. Oh, these aren't... The category isn't things you said horrible things about. It's a people you hate. It's a people you hate. So you only like people that you say horrible things to them,

and then they don't respond. I don't know. My mind's going blank. Mark, you know Hollywood. All right, Mark, who's your least three favorite Canadian people? Oh, good. Howie Vandell. Give me three words.

I've got a bunch of Canadian names here. Give me some word association. Okay. All right, here we go. Matthew Perry. Has mental issues. Wait, one, two, three. Watch his weight, right? It's always fluctuating. There's something wrong. With his weight right like it's always fluctuating there's something wrong with his wife like I'm just fat so you know

I'm okay, right? issues Judge Judy A lot of a lot of issues with his with his brain. What's nothing wrong with that? Yeah? We had my meeting you got any on the show. He's please Kidding with his brain. There's nothing wrong with that. No, we had a danger. I mean, you got Andy on the show. He's... I'm kidding, Andy. No. That one hurt. All right, all right. No, come on.

We have to think of who's like an obnoxious actor. Is this rapid fire or are we going to have five minutes of Andy in between each one? It's paragraph association. Let's keep going.

Hey, we're still trying to work our way through our introduction to Will from when Ari stormed in, so we've got a lot to catch up on. I thought you were already going for 15 minutes and I was like, I'll fuck that idea as well. I had no idea. Justin Bieber.

I don't mind him. Do you mind him? How do Canadians feel about him? I think he's a bit of a dick. We don't like him. I mean, the young people do, but I don't like him. I think he just constantly is a dick. What about you, young man? Do you like Justin Bieber?

You know you do. You know you do. Just admit it. You know you do. He drove over a cameraman the other day. Did you see that? He what? He drove over a cameraman.

Oh, yeah. Oh, so who hasn't done that? Jesus Christ, Mark, with a judgmental cameraman. Oh, so who hasn't done that? Jesus Christ, Mark. With a judgmentalness. Wait, wait, wait. He pissed in a mop bucket. He's just done shitty. Where do you want to piss? Next to or on the floor? It's a perfect place to piss.

Yeah, in the sacred mop bucket. Where do you keep all the shitty water? I can't believe someone pissed in it. My favourite was when he signed the Anne Frank house. He was when he signed the Anne Frank house. He signed the book at the Anne Frank house and said that Anne Frank would have been a believer.

Wow. He also pissed in a bucket. I feel bad for him. I just feel bad for him because he was like five years old when he started performing. You've got to feel I saw him once in Iceland. My promoter was promoting his show too,

so I saw him. It was pretty bad. He wasn't a good performer. I was pretty surprised. Did you think you were going to like Justin Bieber? I thought I wouldn't like the songs, but I would see one of the top performers in the world. Dance? I folded it barely.

This kid's got no taste. Oh, I know why. Susan Sarandon. I hate Susan Sarandon. I hate her. All right. I just like her. She helped get Trump elected

by not supporting Hillary. Oh, right. So that's the one person in Hollywood you hate. Do not like her! She's had it coming for a while. Susan Sarandon out of all the people. Because she just enraged me.

Because she said at one point, yeah, if Hillary gets the thing, I might not vote. I might not vote for her. And the guy goes, really? He goes, yeah, really. I'm a very progressive person. She was going at it with a ping pong person. Now, Ari... She was going out with a ping pong champ.

Huh? Yeah. Susan Serena, she didn't go out with Tim Robbins anymore and she started going out with a 20-year-old ping pong champ. Wait, what? Are you telling me that she's dating a table tennis person? Yes. Oh, I changed my mind then. Did you correct his derogatory term

for a table tennis person? We don't call them ping pongers anymore. Don't insult us. Ping pongers. Ping pongers does sound racist. I thought it was ping pong. I was like, oh, you mean table tennis person? Yeah, excuse me.

I assume you meant a peach. It's cool. I'm half ping pong. I can say it. It's totally fine. My grandpa played ping pong. Can we throw it to Will for a second out in the field? What's the feel of the audience out there? Yeah, what's the vibe like all the way back up there? You know what? As people have left, they've

said nice things. Smile politely. What did you say? They snored politely. Yeah, sn smile politely. What did you say? They snored politely. Yeah, snored politely. Yeah, they snored politely. One guy up the back's been having a real... He said it was the best nap he's had all day.

All day, and it's only lunchtime. Wow. Nice credit. Yeah, he's been to three other podcasts. All right, should we keep going on this Canadian thing? Let's try a couple more of this word association that we started at the start three words and then we did five minutes on each

look the greatest Canadian of all time Pamela Anderson I forgot she even existed I wouldn't think we you forgot you were 14 years old at some stage yeah like the thing is like there's

world celebrities, and we don't really, like, I don't think of her as Canadian. I never knew she was. What? Yeah. You disowned her. Who do you got better than her? Well, I didn't own her in the first place.

Was Baywatch not shot in Canada? No. On our beautiful beaches? No. I thought it was a new few beach. If you don't think of her, these people as Canadians, who do you think is Canadians? I like Monty Hall.

Call me old fashion. 14-year-old, you'd like Pammy, right? Let the kid grow up and have a life. 14-year-old's not into a 50 year old woman, Tommy? I like the idea that Pammy's just eternal. Like all 14 year olds go through a Pammy phase.

You don't, when you were a kid you didn't jack off over Marilyn Monroe, did you? Not literally. I think I was watching a hockey game

the first time. That gets me going all pop. That's how he did it? Yeah. You jacked off over Wayne Gretzky. No,

no, it was, what? It was the Toronto Maple Leafs and I was playing with it and then it happened and I was like, whoa,

I guess I really like hockey. Talk about icing. Is that the right word? I guess there is something pretty sexy about that curling move that they do to clean the ice or whatever. Was that it? No, that's curling. That's a whole different sport.

Oh, okay. Why did they just clean the ice? Why did they have to put a thing in there? Did you confuse really, honestly, curling and hockey? Yeah, I thought that kind of happened in tandem. You thought it was part of it. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, there's thought that kind of happened in tandem. You thought it was part of it? Yeah. Wow.

Yeah, there's a lot of brooms in hockey. I thought it was like they stretch up the ice with their blades and then those guys come up and clean it up. It's the circle of life. Yeah. I like that part in football where they shoot free throws. Oh, yeah, so Ari, you're coming to Melbourne next year. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've got to figure out how to do it, but yeah. You've got to figure out how to do it. I don't know the festival. I don't know how to do it but yeah you gotta figure out how to do it I don't know at this festival I don't know how to do it just watch what we do in a couple of days time get on a plane

and go to Melbourne yeah so you'll be down there so that's good like a lot of people back home will be excited about that you're gonna do

I was trying to convince you last night you're gonna do your podcast because the thing about our podcast is a lot of people turn up it's not like this back home people turn up

but then when we do our stand up it's a bit like this people like the podcast a lot more people turn up. It's not like this back home. People turn up. But then when we do our stand-up, it's a bit like this. People like the podcast a lot more than the stand-up. You are being very fucking generous to your stand-up. That is cool now that when we do stand-up, we can refer to it as being a little bit Montreal. It's feeling a little Montreal in here.

Ricky Gervais is the greatest stand-up in the world. He considers himself. I hate when people is the greatest stand-up in the world? He considers himself. I hate when people call him a stand-up at all. That guy's fucking not. He's not, but he thinks he's great. He thinks he's a great stand-up. If you didn't have to have a license to perform brain surgery, Ricky would have tried it a couple of times by now.

So, Ari, you want to do the Melbourne Comedy Festival? Yeah. You want to get in with them? Yeah. Well, you came to the right guys, because no one... We basically host the gala there every year. You know, all the big stuff sort of goes through us there. Oh, cool.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you giving them the business? No, no, we're the hosts of 60 Minutes. We wouldn't lie to you. Oh, I forgot about 60 Minutes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, pretty much, yeah, no. We're the hosts of 60 Minutes. We wouldn't lie to you. Oh, I forgot about 60 Minutes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, pretty much, yeah, we run the town, so just deal with us after the show.

Aren't you booked already? I thought Chip Franklin ran the town. Who? Franklin? Chip Franklin? Is that his rock frog? You just made up a name. Rich Franklin? No, no.

Chris Franklin. Chris Franklin, God damn it. No, no, no. He's a massive alcoholic that went to jail. He doesn't run any town. Yeah, I thought he was your president. That does sound like that. Thanks. Ari's finding every way to bring the entire nation down.

Was that a big thing? A scandal? No, no. A bogan going to jail is a normal thing. Do you know what a bogan is? No, I don't. I don't even know what that first word was, but I didn't want to be embarrassed. What was the first word? Bogan is like, what a bogan is? No, I don't. I didn't even know what that first word was, but I didn't want to be embarrassed. What was the first word? Bogan is like, what do you say here? It's the version of white trash. Yeah.

Oh. Yeah. I don't use that word because I'm a perfect human being. I do actually feel weird about using. I never use that because I feel like it's the last. Actually, Louis C.K., who I have an enemy with, he has a great bit about... White trash. He says, oh yeah, great.

Nice going, people who can't afford an apartment. He kind of makes fun of that it's not their fault that they're poor. It wasn't a good bit because I didn't present it well. I don't want him to get a laugh. Anything more about Canada we should know because we're going to leave tomorrow well obviously

you know nothing about it so I could say anything and it would be information that'd be great if you could we went to the war with the States and we won. Yeah, we burned down the fucking White House. We own that. We love that.

We would like to do it again, but... Yeah, you're 1-0 against us. Yeah, we're 1-0. We went to battle and we lost. Has Canada ever been to war with anyone? I just fucking told you. Has Canada ever been to war with anyone? I just fucking told you.

Fuck you. We were in World War I. We were in World War I and World War II. We were in it before the fucking states were in them. Oh, really? Why were you in that war? That was a confusing war. We were lonely. We wanted to see the world.

Big Ferdinand fans. Of course, some of the French, though, were pro-Hitler. Just kidding! French-Canadian, does that make sense at all? No. Do you speak French, Marc? No. Je parle français un peu?

No. J'étudie au... J'étudie au... J'étudie à l'alcool. What does that mean? I studied in school. Oh. Avez-vous... J'ai fait aux bibliothèques? Oui.

J'ai fait aux bibliothèques. Allez-vous aux bibliothèques? Were you saying j'avais... Yeah. Yeah, I said j'avais. He just said go to the library. I guess I like going to the library, which doesn't even exist anymore.

Oh. What's j'avais? Why is your French so demanding? I go. I go. I go. Go to the library. I guess I can go to the library, which doesn't even exist anymore. What's your face? Why is your French so demanding? I go. I go. I go. Go to the library? I wouldn't even say that in English.

We actually, we tried to learn a bit of French, and I will demonstrate this right now. Quel est le français pour la chatte stupide? Do people know what that means? Stupid cat? That's our reference. That translates to, what's French for dumb cunt? Oh my god. This is another phrase that we need to use a lot.

Ne vous inquiétez pas, personne ne nous connaît en Australie. Don't worry, no one knows us in australia either really no one knows us in australia or i like i like it translate people don't watch 60 minutes isn't it like 90 because of the metric i gotta find that again hang on fuck i love getting laughs in french yeah Hang on. My phone number is

0438. I love getting laughs in French. Also, my favourite idea is that somebody who hasn't seen any of the rest of the podcast walks in at this moment and just goes what the fuck is going on? Babblefish live, everyone. Check it out.

The translation of that is my international cell number is 0438. Very funny to you people. Do we want to do one more elevated peach? Oh, should we? Yeah. All right. We're getting near the end of our lives.

Hopefully. That rapid fire was fun. Well worth sitting in the hotel room all yesterday to come up with that one. I like how you're like, oh yeah, that was really fun. You were the one fucking answering it. I answered, and then I was waiting for the next one. Yeah, he's like, yeah, you got some great answers. I don't know if you guys have a different definition of rapid down there.

Let's go, let's go. Michael J. Fox. Awesome. Celine Dion. Nothing for her. Terrible. Katie Lane. She does the best version of Hallelujah. Great bit.

Does Lannistern song? Yeah. I haven't heard that. Ari, you like that song. Lannistern was a Jew. Yeah. And Hallelujah was written by a Jew. He wrote it, right?

No, David. Oh, the original? King David, yeah. He went to Yeshiva. This guy actually knows the Jewish religion and now he's not crazy about it. Yeah, but if you call it Yeshiva, it's derogatory.

Oh, what did I do? No, Yeshiva is okay. You are okay. I'm letting everybody else know not to take it. Andy, are you Jewish? I'm Jewish. I don't know. I don't like to talk about it except for every other joke. What is yeshiva? What is it?

It's like a seminary for shorter people. Less athletics. He studied the Talmud. What do you think of the love guru himself, Mike Myers? I love how he promotes Canada. What did he say? He loves how he promotes Canada?

That's the worst compliment I've ever heard in my life. The guy has a nice jacket. Well, he hasn't... He hasn't done a lot of good things lately, but I like that he still loves his country. The gong show. He's doing the gong show. What do you think of that?

I haven't seen it, but I see people on there I like. Zach Galifianakis is on there, so I think it could be fun. But he's in a costume, so I don't know. Glad we went back to the rapid fire. If you were on Hollywood Squares, and you were one of the squares, and Ricky Gervais guessed you and guessed right, and that would give him three in a row, would you refuse to give him the X? I would refuse.

I didn't do Hollywood Squares because I didn't want to do comedy with Whoopi. Goldberg. Why? It was stupid. I don't think she's funny, but why would I not do that? But you know, Hollywood Squares where comedy is geometrically impossible.

Is that the right word? Geometric? Yes. We have that down there. I used to really not like Whoopi at all, but that's when she was working. Why don't you like Whoopi Goldberg? I was offering a million dollars. She talked shit about her and then she found out

that I hate her. I was offering a million dollars for any footage of Whoopi being funny and still... He loves the movie Eddie. She's going to Star Trek Next Generation. She's a good actor. Right? Like in Color Purple or something?

Yeah, that was fucking recent. Says the guy who made a King David joke. I'm so interested now in that song when he says David, right? He's talking about that, yeah. Boy. Man, if we had Whoopi Goldberg on this podcast,

it'd really help out the whole white guy quota. It'd really fix a lot of stuff going on. I'd love to come back here next year and our guests, Ricky Gervais and Whoopi Goldberg. If Ricky Gervais offered you, how much would he have to offer you for you to be his support? Probably a hundred bucks or something like that.

It's never going to happen. I used to love him. That's the thing. I thought he was the greatest thing in the world. But he's not going to offer me anything now. Why, have you heard something? Yeah, he listens to this. What if they rebooted Derek for American TV? Oh, Joe, don't make my dreams come true.

They offer you the lead roles, but you have to go full Derek if you know what I'm saying. Let me say this. I would never do it, and it's easy for me to say now when there's nobody in front. I have principles. I'm not going to violate those. What do you think about, you know, they hate him.

People, comics hate him in England. They hate him. Nobody likes him. What about Australia? Well, he's a guy that, I guess, he did all those shows, and then he decided to do stand-up. So I guess stand-ups look down on him a little bit like that. Because he starts his first gigs in front of 17,000 people,

and he's doing open mic jokes. Who, Gervais? Who are you talking about? Gervais? Yeah. Did you just get here? Yeah. Wasn't he a comic before he did all the shows? Wasn't he a stand-up before?

He did several one-man shows. But it's not like, to me, if you do stand-up comedy the first time, I respect anyone doing anything. But the idea that you think you have expertise, like in that show Talking Funny on HBO, he's trying to be like Chris Rock and all those guys. Have a little humility at some point.

That was weird when he was on there. I'm like, what the fuck are you doing out here? He's talking about, oh, I have this material. Shouldn't he have at one point said, I can't compare to you guys? He should have. Andy, where's talking about, oh, I have this material. Shouldn't he have at one point said, I can't compare to you guys? He should have. Andy, where do you get your ideas from?

Mostly from what I hate. Where do you get your hate from? Oh, I'm dealing with that in therapy right now. A lot of it is misplaced anger. And then sometimes

it's because I haven't gotten made as much money as the person I can't stand. You must really like us. I love you. Or politics gets me. I hate Trump. I mean, I hate Trump. I hate racism.

Oh, no. Let me finish. You don't know that joke? That is a hot take. You hate Trump. No, but you know that joke? That's a hot take. You hate Trump. No, but you know that joke with Whitney Houston years ago, his agents are sitting around. Is this another Peter Allen bit? Whitney Houston is the most horrible person

I've ever met. I wouldn't work with her ever. She's my cousin. Let me finish. Don't you people have any sense of history? Hey, I think we've got to wrap this up. No, I did too much talking. Let these fellas in there. I've become what I hate.

Ricky Gervais. Can you do a Ricky Gervais? Can you do a... I do Ricky Gervais. Right. No, it's my character. Ricky Gervais. You want a Ricky Gervais joke? Yeah. No, it's my character. Ricky Juvace. You want a Ricky Juvace joke?

Yeah, I had a great Yom Kippur, but I'm supposed to atone. Why should I atone? I'm perfect. Yeah, I hate Ricky Juvace too now. Do you guys love Ricky? Has he been on the show? Yeah.

We Skype him in every other week. Yeah, he loves this shit. Do you like his laughing? Anyway. All right. I reckon we've got to wrap that up. Yeah. Yeah, cool.

Folks, please give a huge round of applause. Will Anderson. Yeah. Mark Ford. Thank you. Ari Shafir. Thank you. Andy Kinla. Guys, thank you so huge round of applause. Will Anderson. Mark Ford. Thank you. Ari Shafir. Thank you. Andy Kinler.

Guys, thank you so much for coming down and checking out our show here in Montreal. We really, really appreciate it. Yeah, stick around and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. We say see you, mates, at the end of the show. Do you want to do one? Do you want to do one with us? Yeah, see you, mates. See you, mates do you want to do one do you want to do one with us yeah see you mates see you mates yeah

okay three two one see you mates nice