The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 360 - Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: August 29, 2017

We're back in Los Angeles this week as BERT KREISCHER welcomes us into his man cave! We hear some sweet behind the scenes gossip from Man Vs. Food, we give Bert the rundown of what to expect from each city on his Australian tour PLUS Karl's been called Kyle again! Don't forget to check out Bert's Australian Tour in Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane and Perth as part of Just For Laughs Australia! Don't forget, we have a bunch of huge live shows coming up:SYDNEY: We're doing a show at the SYDNEY OPERA HOUSE! Don't miss this one, it's gonna be huge. THURSDAY SEPTEMBER 14.MELBOURNE: We're doing a huge live show with FIONA O'LOUGHLIN and LAWRENCE MOONEY! SATURDAY OCTOBER 21.PERTH: We're heading over for our annual huge Dum Dum event. SUNDAY NOVEMBER 19.For tickets, merchandise, links to our Patreon and heaps of other stuff, head to our website: littledumdumclub.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbecasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a new episode with special guest Bert Kreischer, who welcomed us into his man cave in Los Angeles for a great episode. Lovely guy, great chat, and if you're in Australia, you can go see Bert as part of the Just for Laughs Festival at Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane he's doing. So, yeah, it was very nice of him to do this show with us. He didn't know us at all.

And if you listen to this as it's coming out, it's all happening pretty soon because it's part of the Just for Laughs Festival. Yeah. So go and check him out very soon. Yeah, very cool of him to be on the show. No real reason to do it. But, yeah, so if you like this and you appreciate it, go check him out. He has a reputation for being a great stand-up. He is, as we said,

part of the Just for Laughs Sydney Festival, which we are also a part of. Our big live show at the Sydney Opera House, Thursday, September 14. It is getting pretty close by the time people hear this. So if you've been on the fence, if you haven't gotten around to getting a ticket yet, for the love of God, get a ticket. We are very close to selling this thing out. It's going to be a huge, awesome show. It's going to be the most ridiculous big live thing we've ever done. And we really want to sell it out. We want to get rid of those few remaining tickets. So it's going to be super worth it. Like all the people that say to us, come to Sydney, come to Sydney. Well, we're coming. It's the one time we're coming. We haven't been for a year.

So make the most of it. It's the one time in the year. So this is your one time. Make the most of it. And also it's going to be pretty ridiculous to see this up on that big stage in such a ridiculous venue. We can't wait for that. We also need to plug. Should we say this as well for the Just for Laughs Festival?

You say it and then I'll decide. Okay. We haven't mentioned this on the show, but we are doing stand-up as well in Sydney as part of the Just for Laughs festival. Yeah. On the Friday. The next night after the live podcast, we are doing a filmed spot. We're each doing a set of stand-up.

We're not sharing the spot. Very generous of them. Yeah. So it's going to be filmed for the comedy channel. The what channel? the comedy channel. The what channel? The comedy channel. I'll see how my set goes. I might get bumped over to the riffing channel if I go off script too much.

Yeah. So there's that as well. So I think there's some sort of deal. If you're still buying your ticket for the podcast, you get a discount for the stand-up show as well, I believe. Yeah. So I think there's two a night. I don't think we – do we know what time we're on?

No, we don't. Anyway, there's two. But that information should be out very soon, hopefully. So, yeah, come check us out doing stand-up. And, you know, it's not just us. It's us doing a 10-minute spot or something. So there's a bunch of other great comics on. It's hosted by Tommy Little for broadcast later in the year.

Yeah, Aunty Donna, Dave Quirk, heaps of friends of the show is doing spots across those shows. They're always great line-ups. So, yeah, go check that out. Yeah. Also, the huge live event that we are doing in Melbourne, our big live show outside of the Comedy Festival for the year at the Croxton Park Hotel, Saturday, October the 21st.

It is us with guests Lawrence Mooney and Fiona O'Loughlin letting loose live on stage. We never promote the guests on this show. We are doing it for this because it is the absolute favourite pairing of guests on the Little Dum Dum Club. Would you say this is the last time we'll promote the guests? Could be. It's certainly feeling that way. Could be.

Could be. So make the most of it whatever could you be talking about it's a very unique experience to be for us to be announcing the guest

so we've really rolled the dice by doing that so yeah it's selling very well it's well over half full it's still plenty

of time to go but you know I don't know how much how many more tickets there are until it'll be sold out

it'll be I dare say it'll be sold out. I dare say it'll be very full by the time we start it. Yeah, and fair to say that you and I are making millions of dollars off the back of this gig. Is that fair? Yes, it's very fair. I'd say that's decidedly unfair, actually. I'm not sure if that's the best... I'm not sure if we've negotiated the best deal of all time, to be honest. We'll see.

Well, look, it's going to be a lot of fun and a fucking wannabe for the year. At the very least, if nothing else, I think it's going to be a fun night. At the very least, you know what? We could probably do an episode about the making of this fucking show. Yeah. What's the – is it Tropic of Cancer? What's the, yeah. No, Apocalypse Now, the Hearts of Darkness.

Hearts of Darkness, yeah. Yeah, we could do it. Yeah, definitely, you know, because on the cover of that, you've got the director, Coppola, with the gun to his head. Totally, we could do that one. All right, let's hype this up. Tying into that month's Patreon bonus episode will be the behind the scenes. No, we can't do that.

We can't do that until everyone involved in this show is dead and we can talk about it. Whatever could we be talking about? So in happier news, Perth with an unannounced line-up, so a lot easier to organise. The November the 18th, Sunday, November the 18th, or perhaps it's the 19th. It's the Sunday.

Sunday, November the 19th. Sunday the 19th, Sunday, November the 19th at Rosie O'Grady's Hotel in Northbridge in Perth, already selling spectacularly, I don't mind saying. Yeah. Perth, you've done it again. You always turn up in full force every year. And, hey, we just did our kind of version of this show in Brisbane

where we both did stand-up and then we did the live podcast, and thank you to everyone who turned up. And I forgot how much fun those days are. They are, you know, they're long and they're exhausting, but doing stand-up to a crowd of you guys who get it and then doing the podcast is awesome. So Perth is going to be heaps of fun. Yeah, you've got a lot to live up to, Perth, even though I do love Perth.

Brisbane, fucking hell. Yeah, thank you to everyone who showed up and hung out with us afterwards. It was, yeah, we were just talking before we started recording about what a great day it was. I did sound sarcastic when I said that, but I do mean it. Why, yeah, it's the first time we've done two shows in Brisbane in a year and it will not be the last. Yeah, that was great.

That was one of the all, I was saying before, that was one of the all-time best days of, you know. Comedy, ever. Of us going interstate, I think. Yeah, heaps of fun. Yeah. Yeah, great crowd of people. That episode turned out really well, which you'll hear.

In a couple of years' time. Yeah. We've got such a backlog now. So, yeah, Perth, get on that. LittleDumbDumbClub.com for tickets to that and also to Melbourne if you're in either of those places. And a big thank you to the continuing support of people on Patreon for this show.

You can chip in to show your love, show that you enjoy the show if you enjoy getting it for free and in return you get some rewards. We do up a magazine, we send out a bonus episode each month and part of that is that we do this little thing at the start of the show where we read your name out

and we say thank you in our special patented way. I'll read out a number this week of people that have subscribed to Patreon. I usually pick the number. Is this like you've got a random number generator on your screen and that's going to decide how many we do? Well, usually I do that. Okay. But I will let you do it this week.

Oh. You know what? I'll just ask you. What's your lucky number? How many? My lucky number is five. Five. Okay.

Well, we can do that. We can do that. Does that clash with what you were planning to do? A little bit, but I can adjust. Okay. I'll do it. Great. Okay.

Well, thank you. Thank you for letting me have the choice this week. Yeah. No problem. Appreciate it. Okay. Patreon subscribers, thank you to Patreon subscriber Mark Skoburg. Skoburg.

Yeah. That's like a – his name is ready to go for if he like – you know, I don't know, is this your generation or not? Richard Scarry's Busytown. Yeah. Those books. Yep. So he could like, you know, he could just do his own little, own little kids' books where he's got all these little characters running around.

It could just be called – well, it would have to be called Scobergberg, wouldn't it? Richard – oh, what? Because he can't just – but he can't – you know, Scoberg is already his name. So if the town is named after him, you know what I mean? What was the original town called? What do you mean?

What are you talking about? Like I'm saying if Scoberg like had a little town that was based on him, you know what I mean, if he wrote a children's book. Right. Was Richard Scarry, did he have a town called Scarry? No, I mean it was Busytown but I'm saying if Skoburg wanted to name the town after himself, he couldn't just call it Skoburg because that's his name.

So he would have to call it Skoburgburg. I would say Skoburg either sounds like some sort of Canadian town by the water or some Russian operative that's just killed someone, just ripped someone off and they've gone, Scoburg! Yeah, or it sounds like an American burger chain where they've got a hamburger that's got haggis in it. So rather than the Scottish burger, it's the Scoburg.

Right. You'd see Dave Callen going through the drive-thru. in it. So rather than the Scottish burger, it's the Scoberg. You know, they'd have like a... You'd see Dave Callen going through the drive-thru. Yes, they'd have Dave Callen in a bikini washing a Mercedes. And he goes, Och, och, ei! Kom get je bloddie Scoberg!

Alright, we got there. That's it. That was enough. Dave Callen presents Scobergers. Thanks, Mark. Sounds a bit like scabies. It's like we've done him in. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Nick Meskin. Wow, some unusual surnames so far. Yeah, Meskin.

As in M-E-S-K-E-N. Meskin. Meskilen. Meskilen, Mexican. It sounds a bit like Mexican. I've got to say, we just did this trip to LA and we did have some good Mexican. I didn't feel like we quite reached the heights of Mexican food we've had in the past. I agree.

I feel like we got a couple of bum steers. Yeah. It wasn't quite the – I was really looking forward to LA for the Mexican food. Yeah. And I think we had a couple of goes at it and we didn't quite get there. We didn't quite get there. We definitely had some good ones, but I was – I mean, look, maybe it's just like –

Maybe we're just lucky. Maybe it's just rose-coloured glasses looking back at the past but I mean maybe that's all it is. Maybe the meals that we had in the past were just as good as these ones but I really had higher hopes. Maybe we were just lucky in the past and we weren't as lucky this time. Yeah. But Nick Mesk –

But hey, it's not this guy's fault. Well, maybe it is. I mean, maybe he wrote those reviews on like TripAdvisor and stuff that we followed that led us to, you know, places that were just all right. Mescaline. Mescaline is a. What is mescaline? It's like a drug that's, I don't exactly know what it is, but it's very highly referenced

in the beat poetry, the beat novels. Oh, really? Yeah. Let me look it up. And also it's in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and all that sort of stuff. It's distilled alcoholic beverage made from any type of agave plant native to Mexico. Right. So I guess it's kind of like moonshine.

A lot of Jack Kerouac sort of action, I believe, as he was road tripping through Highway 54. He was doing a lot of tabs of mescaline, I believe. Yeah. Cool. Things like that. And anyway, that's you, Nick Meskin. Do you reckon this guy gets into some illicit substances?

I reckon he's been on the road before, on a road at least. The road to comedy when he listens to this every week. He sounds like, you know what? He sounds American to me, but I might be wrong. Nick Maskin. Yeah. Hey, Nick Maskin. Hey, Nick Maskin.

Let's go to Vegas for the weekend. Hey, this guy's a real Nick Maskin. Yeah. Thanks, Nick. Thanks, Mesko. Speaking of American, this next guy definitely is American. Uncle Sam? Bill Cotten.

No. He is a – I can't believe we haven't read this guy out before. Okay. But maybe we haven't. I've somehow made a mistake. Uh-huh. But he is a long-timer on the socials. I recognise the name.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber John Hoffner. Oh, yeah, yeah. I recognise this guy's name. Yeah, yeah. He's flooded the socials over the years. Not annoyingly. Not annoyingly. Just a good guy who you recognise the name because he's active. Just a consistent

presence. Yes. Not one that sticks out for his behaviour but more just for his... Not one of these guys that tries to be as big a dickhead as he can so that we notice him for the wrong reasons. Yeah. He's just, you just notice once a week on that post, you know, about the episode, he's just in there going, this one's good.

I enjoyed this. Yeah. And he's American as well, which I sort of like that, you know, there's not that many, you know, overseas fans that go, oh, check out this show, blah, blah, blah. But, you know, there's a number and we, I think we take notice of a bunch of them. Well, he'd have been loving the last couple of weeks.

A bunch of his bloody countrymen getting into the… Well, despite the fact he didn't actually come to any live shows over there. Well, I mean, maybe he probably lives in a part of the country. Maybe he lives in the flyover states. Well, that's fucking not good enough. I'm actually going off this bloke now. Okay. Well, look, I appreciate it, Hoffo.

Thanks for chipping in. Thanks for chipping in. Some of those are… You know what? Thanks for dipping into your wallet and throwing us a couple of greenbacks. Yeah. Thanks for inventing the bass guitar that Paul McCartney plays. The Hoffner bass.

Thanks for being around there in 62 when Paul first picked that thing up. Changed the course of music. Yeah. Thanks for inspiring the Liverpool Four. Mm-hmm. Thanks for inspiring. Those lovable lads. Thanks for being a big part of the composition of Love Me Do.

Yeah. Thanks for Strawberry Fields. Thanks for everything. Thanks for voicing Thomas the Tank Engine. Yeah. Thanks for giving birth to Yoko Ono, you know. Thanks for everything to do with that whole story. Yes.

Thanks, John. Thanks, John. Thank you to Patreon subscriber, owner you know thanks for everything to do with that whole story yes thanks john thanks john uh thank you to patreon subscriber ray henderson ray henderson yeah now this sound to me this sounds very american i know like a guy who owns a barbecue joint don't you yeah now maybe this is just have we just started this early and now everything sounds American? I don't know. Yeah, he sounds like, I want to get some slow cooked beef off this guy. Yeah. Yeah, I want to get some grits off this guy. I want to get some, like the time we went to middle America, when we went to Texas and had all that meat.

It was, yeah, I want some beef out of a pit. I have to say the great shame of this last trip was that we didn't have enough time to do what we did last time and drive across the country. Totally. And particularly stopping to – yeah, I really enjoyed our time in Texas. Yeah. I would have even liked to go back to Vegas just for a night. But, hey, you know what?

We're busy, guys. We're on a busy schedule. Yep. We got comedy to do. We got comedy to run. Yep. We got, you know, we got comedy to do. We got comedy to run. Yep. You know? I would really have liked to have done a bit more of a food journey.

Yeah. Yeah. It was good. But, you know, we just didn't have time. We had to, you know, we had pressing financial squabbles to get into. Yep. To come back here and engage in. And, yeah, I've never had that beef the way that we've had it in Texas.

Like you come over here, you come back here and they have these – You come over here. We come back here and you go to these barbecue beef places and it's like, oh, it's just like Texas. It's not. No, it's not. I mean it's still good but yeah, it's one of those things where you have it here and you go, this is great and then you have the real thing and it's just –

they're both good but the real thing is just in its own separate category. Yeah. Yeah. And so thank you, Ray, for cooking all that food when we were over there. Yep. Ray Henderson. Thanks for the side of biscuit. Yep.

Thanks for – it's called scones, but anyway. Cornbread. Yep. Thanks for all that root beer. Mm-hmm. And thank you for the – The Star Spangled Banner. Yeah.

Thanks for that Eagle Burger I ate. Thanks, Ray. Thanks, Ray. All right. So how many is that down? There's Mark Skoburg of the Scottish Burgers, Dave Callan, Nick Meskelen, huge drug addict. Two, yep.

Three was… John Hoffner who invented Ringo's Drums. Yep. Four was Ray Henderson. Ray Henderson who… And then that was the last one we did. Yep. Three was? John Hoffner who invented Ringo's drums. Four was Ray Henderson. Ray Henderson. And then that was the last one we did. Who cooked the beef.

Where's the beef? Where's the beef? At Hendo's place. So that was the last one. That was four. That was four. So we're all done. No, no. We said we'd do five.

Oh, okay. Well, you asked me what my favourite number is and it's five. Right. As everyone who listens to this podcast already knew. You're known for that. I mention it every week. Hey, mates, my favourite number is five and welcome to another episode of The Little Dumb Dumb Podcast.

I always tune out. I'm always waiting to say g'day dickheads. I don't hear that bit. But it's like you don't even hear the words come out of your mouth because about two years ago you started going, maybe this is subconscious, you started going, g'day dickhead whose favorite number is five. Oh, I started saying that.

You started saying that. I said that too. You say that at the start of every episode. My favorite number is five as well. No, you say it to me. You say, g'day, dickhead, whose favorite number is five. That's you addressing me. Right, right.

So for you to claim to not know this is just bewildering. But hey, I'm feeling that too. You just go into another, you just kind of tune out, you go into it. It's just muscle memory. It's sort of Out of body experience Yeah So this is So you asked me

What my favourite number was I said five And then you said That's how many Patreon names We'll do this week Right Okay So

I'll take your word I don't want to rewind the episode And have to listen to it back So I'll take your word for it We're in the middle You can't Because there's no way Of doing that

While we're in the middle Well that's why I said I'm not going to do that Yes Right So good Right Okay So, good. Right.

Okay. So, number five. Right. We'll do this as the last one. And this is the last one. This is the last one. This is the last one. Okay. For this week.

For this – well, yeah, for this week. Yeah. Plenty more weeks to come. Hey, we're going to – hey, you know what? We're going to have to be doing last Patreon names for the week for the rest of our lives, it feels like, at this point. This week's one, can we just recite this one exactly on stage at the Sydney Opera House?

Can we do that one? Seriously? No. Okay. So number five this week. Here we go. Last one for this week. Yep.

Thank you to Patreon. Oh, okay. That's a familiar name. Right. Okay. Well, good news. It's someone not unknown to us. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Madam Comedy.

It's another... Madam Comedy. Madam Comedy. So... So we've had Mr Comedy, we've had Mrs Comedy. Let's go through all of them. Yeah, no. There's been a lot of people with prefixes.

There's children, there's pets, there's uncles, there's gay husbands of uncles, there's grandparents. Now, as you sometimes ask, you'll say, so is there any other detail attached? Yes. Well, no, I was going to speculate. Oh, okay, you go. It's Madam Comedy.

Is this like a brothel owner within the comedy family? You've got it. Got it in one. You got it. Because they've left their little signature there from their workplace. Yes. Madam Comedy from the Kitty Cat Comedy and Rooting Ranch in Texas. Wait.

So this is a brothel slash comedy club by the sounds of it. Well, I think she's just whacked her. Kitty Cat Comedy. Yeah. I think she's whacked her name in this for some reason. I much prefer the idea that it's a stand-up club where you can go upstairs and get your fuck on. Well, I don't have

the full information. Hey, no, I'm just speculating. I could Google this place, but... Well, you know what? Maybe there's some sort of law where they've got to have something else in there

to keep it... So, Monday nights is comedy night. Oh, yeah, okay. And then Tuesday through Sunday is full-on anal night. So, it's like prohibition. It's like prohibition.

It's like a pet store, but really everyone's just getting gassed in there. Oh, right, yeah. So, when the cops walk in, it's like stand-up. No, no,hibition. It's like a pet store, but really everyone's just getting gassed in there. Oh, right. Yeah, so when the cops walk in, it's like stand up. No, no, this is just a comedy club. And then as soon as they walk back out, the wall tilts around and there's just someone bent over with their arse cheeks spread apart.

No, no, I meant this is a scenario in which comedy has been outlawed. So they're like, we hear laughing in there. That better not be a comedy club. And then it's like, no, they burst in and it's like a sex worker going, no, I was just laughing at how tiny his dick is. Right, right. And they like, we hear laughing in there. That better not be a comedy club. And then it's like no, they burst in and it's like a sex worker going, no, I was just laughing at how tiny his dick is. Right, right. And they go, that's cool. Right. Okay. Well, maybe. Yeah, look, I'm not sure. What if we

pitch a series where it's us in a dystopian future where comedy has been outlawed and we're just driving around like Mad Max, just setting up gigs in little fucking, next to a wishing well in a rundown country town. I reckon that would get up. I don't reckon it would.

But, yeah, you may be right. I don't know the full ruling on laws in Texas, so maybe comedy is outlawed there. Well, everything's bigger in Texas, including the public's disdain for stand-up comedy. Including options instead of stand-up comedy. Including options instead of stand-up comedy. Including the self-loathing of stand-up comedians. Therefore, all of them have killed themselves.

Oh, right. Great. So I've got to say, so Madam Comedy, if she's running some kind of like comedy club slash brothel, or even if it is just a brothel, you'd have to assume, you know, we don't really know what any of the other comedy family members do for work. Yeah. But, I mean, you have to assume that she would be, you know, possibly the most well-to-do

member of the comedy family. Well. Which is why it's strange to me that it's taken her so long to chip in. Or has it just taken you so long to read her name? I don't know if madams are particularly, particularly like you don't hear about millionaire madams of you know brothels. Don't you

think they'd be doing pretty well? Bordellos. I don't I well look I don't think I've

ever met one and asked how much they make. Well let's find out. Maybe it'd be great if a madam listened

to this show. Well actually I'll check I'll check to see how much they've subscribed for. Oh $69. Well that's a

lot. That is a lot. That's more than the average. That is a lot. If you check than the average. That is a lot. If you check all the rules and everything, it means that we have to send them out a T-shirt. A T-shirt and a free ticket, I believe. Yeah.

So I better get on to that. Well, yeah. I mean, if any of these guys ever come over here to Australia, they're all entitled to free. Well, I'd love to imagine that this madam of an entertainment working man's club is going around wearing one of their big burger shirts. Oh, that's not bad. Or wear shirts.

That's not bad at all. At the very least, I hope they use one to clean up the cum after the clients are finished. At the very least. And, you know, I hope they're doing that instead of doing something like wearing it when they're performing At the comedy night On a Monday night

Because that would be just That would be bad taste Well thanks Madam Comedy And a big shout out To the Kitty Cat Comedy In Rooting Ranch Yeah In sunny Texas

I mean I wish We were just talking about it I wish we had Driven through Texas I know yeah Ray Henderson If you're still listening Yeah Get down there and check it out. It sounds like a wonderful time.

Walk down the road from your house, which I assume is no more than 100 to 200 metres away. Go in there on a Monday night, watch a bit of comedy. If any of the comedy makes you particularly horny, just wait around a little bit longer. Just wait for that stage to turn around and transform before your very eyes into a rooting ranch. Yeah. Maybe ask if there's any chances of any sort of franchise for your Ray Henderson's dirty-ass barbecue pit. Oh, yeah. So he could run like a concession stand in that kind of thing.

That's not bad. Yeah. You always need to – I like that. You know, you can eat Ray Henderson's beef or you can eat pussy. Great. Well, Ray, if that's the sort of thing you want to do, we'd be happy to pass on Matt and Comedy's details.

The details, yeah. Well, that was wonderful stuff, I think it's fair to say. On behalf of all the listeners, Carl, I'm going to say to you a wonderful riff we just did. So, patreon.com slash little dum-dum club if you want to chip in to keep supporting this show, in inverted commas. We have, yeah, like we said, Sydney is on sale.

Perth is on sale. Melbourne is on sale. littledumdumclub.com for all those details. Come see us at a live show. We love meeting you guys afterwards. We also have a bunch of T-shirts and stuff on sale at the website, including our merchandise for the recent Costa Mui podcast festival, which prices have been slashed.

Yeah. Ken Bruce style. You're sitting there in your fucking straight jacket rocking back and forth. Yep. I'm the little parrot perched on your shoulder. Carl Chandler's gone completely mad. Yeah, I'm going to kill myself. It's not one of those fun madness ones.

That was a weird story. The whole thing was this cunt is mentally ill and he thinks a fridge is only worth $60. So come in and take this old cunt for an absolute ride because he does not know any better. You don't do that anymore, do you? Yeah. Crazy John, this fucking…

This guy's on suicide watch. He's self-harmed five times today. Yes. So come in and get a microwave for 20 bucks. Yes. Yeah. Okay. Enjoy this episode with Bert Kreischer.

Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. Thank you so much for joining us. My name is Tommy Daslow, and sitting opposite me is the other half of the show, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. Let's get our guest in so we can talk about the environment that we're currently sitting in. What do you reckon? Oh, this fucking hot box.

Yeah. Joining us on the show, he's about to be down in Australia as part of the Just for Laughs Festival Sydney. It's Bert Kreischer yeah thank you guys thank you very much I appreciate it thank you very much

for hosting this episode in your house for having us in your man cave that's a term in America yeah yeah yeah this is an official man cave because there was a TV show

called Man Caves on DIY Network and they came in and actually made my man cave oh right they created it they made it they built it

this room was a woodworking shop. That wall was closed off. And there was a door there that was connected to the garage that's next door to us. No one at home can see this, by the way, just so you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you can go online and see my man cave. Just type in Burk Rideshow Man Caves. You can find it online.

So this was like one of those renovation shows where they come in and do stuff to your house. Yeah. And I've always wondered about this. So you volunteer yourself to be on that show. So you just get all this for free? Is that how it works? No. It works two different ways.

Because I was on Travel Channel at the time. I mean, I'll give you the gossip gossip. Please. Yeah, please. Because I feel like that's the one thing I like about an Australian podcast. I feel like it's not going to get back to us in the States. We geo-block this, so you can't listen to this in the States unless you get a VPN. So there's a TV show over here called Man vs. Food.

Oh, man. I love it. They're rebooting it with a new host. Really? Is it you? Is it good? No. That sounded like you were giving a little wink into the microphone there.

No, no, no. They're rebooting it with a new host, and it's kind of a little gossip drama. Because I'm friends with Adam, because we were on the same network, Adam Richmond. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The original Man Vs. Food. Who's gotten all weird about the whole – it's almost like he's disowned the history of Man Vs. Food, because now he eats normal stuff, and it's like, man, I just want to see you eat a taco as big as your head. Go back to that.

Yeah, it's really interesting. I think the key to this business is don't overthink it. If you have something that connects, fucking ride that bitch into the ground. I saw Larry the Cable Guy do stand-up, and he sat on stage. And by the way, I'm not shitting on Larry. Dan, I like him. I like him a lot. Well, is his real name Dan?

Dan Whitney, yeah. Now we're getting all the scoops. Sweetest fucking guy in the world. Literally one of the best fucking guys. Legit comic. He's just a joke writer. Yep. But don't overthink it, right?

He always goes on stage with that shirt. Sleeveless shirt. Yep. Every fucking time. Yep. Don't overthink it. He went up and did a joke. He goes, I don't know about you. I think the Lord picks the temperatures in this world i don't believe in global uh climate

change and the place went fucking nuts it wasn't even a joke yeah don't overthink it i think the problem with that that's definitely under thinking it i think that statement we're real we're real across this we don't put any work or effort into this show we we're just doing what we do we've've worked out what connects, which is calling each other cunts. It's been going for six years and we're about to do the Sydney Opera House. To be fair, Bert said find something that works and then ride it. We haven't found something that works yet. We found something.

We're riding whatever it is. Whatever the fuck moves. We're riding a headless horse. Get something that's working about 80% and then just ride that. Just go for that. I think Adam's problem was he overthought it. I think he was like, he had a thing that really fucking worked. And then he was like, let's change it a little bit.

I know I definitely have overthought things. I did a show where I rode roller coasters and I started getting anxiety about roller coasters. I was like, I want to get out of it. But it worked. So I don't know. this is what was it were you getting just sorry to interject were you getting the anxiety about something going wrong on the roller coaster and your odds of survival are shrinking or no well first of all i was doing dangerous stuff also besides just running riding roller coasters like backyard slingshots like really fucking like redneck roller coaster rides right and so um and you should know we should know that the term is bogan in australia it's not redneck it's bogan

i don't know what bogan means i don't know where that comes from but that you need to use that word when you come to australia i'm fascinated with australia yeah i'm fascinated i have more things to talk about australia with you guys please Sure. All the questions you have. We'll start with the man cave. So the DIY Network was owned by Scripps. Scripps owned Travel Channel. Now Discovery owns all of them. But at the time, my wife's a firm believer in put it out there. Like if you want something, put it out there.

And so we bought this house. This was this room that was like a woodworking shop. And my wife's like, they have a show called Man Cave. Go and you tell them, I want a man cave. So I went up to the president of DIY at the time. The picture's up there of me and him the day he gave me the man cave. And I said, Andy, I want a man cave. I have a great room for a man cave.

And he's like, well, that's so funny. We're thinking about doing some with some Travel Channel hosts. We're going to do one with Adam Richman. Why don't we do both of you guys? And I was like, great. Now, here's the gossip part. Adam, and I think this is probably why they're not doing Man vs. Food with him anymore, was a tad bit difficult in the man cave process.

So they had a lot of... He was trying to eat the man cave? No. Shape it like a burrito. He didn't have a house that could fit a man cave he it was he lived in brooklyn it was really complicated really expensive to do work in new york it's just and so then he's trying to chuck a man cave into an apartment exactly one bedroom apartment it's just a tent in the corner of the room. Right. A bathroom cave.

It was. And then they said they'd give him like a... They tried like nine different things and he was just giving them pushback. And so this guy Goose and this guy Jason. Goose is... He was the head of the network? Goose?

No, no. Goose. Goose. Without knowing the story, I reckon this is all Goose's fault I'm lying this is Goose's fate It very much is Goose is a guy named Tony Saragusa

He's an ex-football player NFL player Here from the States He did sidelines work with Fox Big personality And Goose and Jason the two hosts They were like fuck Adam Richman Just give all the money to Bert So then they gave me like $186,000 worth of a man big personality and goose and jason the two hosts and they were like fuck adam richmond just give

all the money to burt right so then they gave me like 186 000 worth of a man cave and i got all of it oh wow the whole budget and yet adam didn't get a man cave and i got this man cave and that was the that was the gossip that well he had to build his own out of burritos instead yeah yeah so yeah it's a converted like it's sort of like the size of a conventional kind of garage, I guess, to give the listeners some context. Yeah, you really have lashed out with that budget. You've got two TVs in here that there's no way you could be looking at one without the other one in your peripheral vision. This one is for that, for when you sit outside. And this one's for when you sit in here.

But I will tell you, I get high as fuck for Game of Thrones. I cut out all the lights. I put a chair right there and I watch both of them. Oh, really? It's great. I just go like this. Oh, wow. Surround sound Game of Thrones.

Yeah. Oh, dude. Game of Thrones in here is fucking awesome. Sorry, not surround. Surround vision Game of Thrones. This room has changed my life. The day I got it, I had to go shoot. I knew Burt the Conqueror, my show, was canceled the day I got it.

They called me and said, I'm sorry, your show's canceled. And I was like, okay. So you're saying to the crew, can we get a noose up here in the roof just for once the show's done? Goose, get us a noose. So I was going to do Letterman to promote the show, but I already knew it was canceled. Fuck. So I came back from Letterman. I was like to do Letterman to promote the show, but I already knew it was canceled. Fuck. So I came back from Letterman.

I was like, you know what? I can't be mad at this network for firing me. Top ten reasons my boss is a cunt for firing me. Oh, God. My boss. Almost every boss I've ever had at that network hated me. None as much as the last one. Right. But so they went.

I sat in this room, my wife came out with a cup of coffee, I had the doors open, and I had the cup of coffee from Letterman, and I was like, and she's like, so what are you going to do? I was like,

I guess I'll just go back to stand up. And she was like trying to console me, I was like, I'm not upset, like I'm really happy. I got, I got, I did a show,

and then at the very, and all shows get canceled, but at the very end, I got $186,000 worth of a man cave. Like this, I will never be mad at them. Fuck, I'd love to be consoled by my partner going, oh, you've had a bad day. Yeah, yeah, I just did Letterman. Please, you've got to massage my feet.

What a shit of a day. And then, like, two weeks later, the new president, oddly enough, the guy from DIY who gave me the man cave, Andy Singer, went over to Travel Channel, called me up, and he goes, I want to sign you for a two-year deal at Travel Channel. I was like, you know I just got fired. And he was like, I don't give a shit. I like you. And then I signed a two-year deal there, and then I signed another three-year deal. I was at the network, I think, a total of eight years. I'm very happy I'm gone from that network.

Right. My life's changed drastically. Sounds like not enough time to hang out in the man cave. Dude, it was... I mean, what brought me to Australia in the first place was that network, doing one of the shows for them. Oh, yeah, so you came down to do a travel show in Australia? Yeah, did a travel show.

And so what did you do down... Like, if you were riding roller coasters and slingshots and all that sort of stuff, what were you doing in Australia? Going on the Scooby-Doo ride at Movie World? movie world yeah no i did a different show i was doing a different show at the time called trip flip where i took two people on adventures in a lifetime so we were lifeguards at bondi beach for the day right we hung out with aboriginal aborigines or is that like the n-word uh you can say the term for what they are yeah okay yeah we can't even reference them oddly enough we had this discussion on an episode we did two weeks ago with some American guests.

Really? It's like the actual word isn't the slur. Let's just go with Native Australian. Some people get it. Yes. Indigenous. The indigenous population of Australia. It's not for us to say.

I feel very anxious saying anything. I know. Me too. Yeah. Dude, my big lesson. The stamp, the meme of 2017 should be stay in your lane yeah like i learned very valuable lesson i did a hip-hop show that i was a big fan of and they're younger than i am they're both uh black i think they're both black but but like

different like like one's dominican one you know like one's jamaican so that's not really african-american anymore yeah so you can't say just doing the thing that you said not to do you're just doing it but even all of that stay in your lane no shit i was like i was like i'm done i'm done with trying to like branch out i'm almost i'm just gonna not overthink it fucking hang out with white dudes who got beers, who like to drink beer, and like to fucking smoke. And that's why you're coming to Australia. Yeah. Well, you might not like me telling this story, but we were getting an Uber home from something the other night from a gig that we did.

And this guy over here, Carl, was, you know, you were a bit drunk. And you were fucking with me from the backseat of the Uber. And we pulled up next to a car of African-American gentlemen listening to hip-hop music and you from the backseat go, Tommy, what was it that you were saying about these kinds of people earlier today? What was it that you were saying to me in private? And I'm like, oh, man, let's – man, don't do this. And then we pull up, we keep going and you start making these horrific jokes

from the backseat and I try to squash it and just go, let's just remember that we are on my Uber account and I'm the one that's subject to the ratings that we I try to squash it and just go, let's just remember that we are on my Uber account and I'm the one that's subject to the ratings that we're going to get for this. And the driver just turns around and goes, hey, I don't mind. Then it was just open slather for the next five minutes. It was great. You should be able to get a listing for your driver who just goes, you know what, he should

be able to tick a box that says, say whatever you want, guys. I don't care. Or you get in and you go, all right, let's keep it PC. No F-bombs. You get a political profile of your driver. Yeah. I had an Uber driver. We were doing a podcast.

It was the End of the World podcast. It was me, Doug Stanhope, Bill Burr, and Rogan. And it was the night of the election. So pretty much like this one. Yeah, yeah, sure. It was the night of the election. So we were doing a live podcast, hearing the election. It was the night of the election. So we were live. We were doing a live podcast, hearing the election results and giving them out to the fans.

And then people that were streaming it live at the show, at the store, and then the people watching it live online. And I got in the car with my super brother. That would have been an interesting vibe. Because, I mean, obviously with that election, like you sort of. Fucking amazing. Yeah. Are you talking about the election where Clinton got in? No, no, no. The British primaries.

I don't know. The British primaries. I don't even know what they have. I don't even know what they call their group of elders who decide what

carnival will be. It sounds like a soccer team in the World Cup. Here they come, the British primaries. I got in my car with my Uber driver and I said,

I said, you got the address? He goes, yeah. You doing a show tonight and I said, you got the address? He goes, yeah. You doing a show tonight? I said, yeah, we're doing a show. I said, how about this election, hon? He's like, I know, crazy, right? I said, you vote?

He goes, no, I'm going to probably get to it later this week. I go, what? He goes, yeah, yeah. I go, is it just today? He goes, oh, it's just today? I go, yeah. It was just one day. You can only vote on one day. And he goes, oh, okay.

Well, maybe I'll do it later tonight. And I go, no, the polls are closed. This is how this works. It's not dry cleaning. And he goes, I can't do it on my phone? I said, no, you definitely can't do it on your phone. And then in my head, I'm like, you know, I don't think you should be allowed to vote. Like, I don't think you should get a say.

And then he goes, who's running again? And I went, oh, yeah, you. You shouldn't vote. Is this a younger person? Because this just reeks of like American Idol is the only kind of voting system you've ever seen. Yeah. American – no, a younger person. And then I said to him, I go, where were you born?

Because he's got dark hair, dark complected, with thick eyebrows. I go, where were you born? Because he's got dark hair, dark complected, with thick eyebrows. I go, where were you born? And he goes, I said, where are you from? And he goes, oh, the Valley. I said, no, where were you born? He goes, no, the Valley. I was born in America. I was like, and you don't know how our election is? How the fuck is that possible? And then I was like, yeah, you

definitely, I'm glad you missed it. I'm glad you waited until Thursday to vote. It would have been a case of like, oh, he looks funny. I'll vote for him. Oh, no. But yeah, I don't know what we were talking about. You were talking about you came to Australia to do the travel show. So you did lifeguard duty at Bondi Beach.

Yeah, lifeguard duty. Hung out with the... Something with indigenous people. Indigenous people. out with the something with indigenous people indigenous people um we we went canyoning through uh canyoneering through this um like this fjord or gorge right i'm glad these have escalated because your first one where you went they come out for the experience of a lifetime anyway we started out by doing lifeguard duty at bondi beach that's just someone's job yeah what's next a shift at mcdonald's yeah but it's but it's it's epic Australian. Yeah. It would be like going to do Baywatch.

If you're from Australia and you came out here and were like, oh, yeah, but those are just our lifeguards. You're like, yeah, but Baywatch is a big deal. It was cool. We got in the boat and paddled out. But it's not great, really, because it's like if you're doing a lifeguard experience and then someone drowns, it's like, hey, I know we couldn't save you, but they're on a trip of a lifetime.

They tried. Where are you guys from in Australia? Melbourne. Okay. Yeah. I'm going to Melbourne. I'm going to Melbourne for that tour. All right, mate.

I can't wait. Yeah. Eddie F said, don't call it Melbourne. Call it Melbourne. Melbourne. You know what? I've become very aware of how I pronounce it since being here. Like, you know, back home you just go Melbourne and it sounds normal.

But here, like, for some reason it really sticks out that I'm saying ban instead of born. But it is taking – people do appreciate it. If you come out and say, hey, Melbourne, they'll go, oh, yeah, he's one of us. Yeah, but I'm definitely not. No. See, I have a problem with that. I have a problem trying to speak Spanish in Mexico because I go, don't do that. I find it to be cultural appropriation. Stick to your lane. Yeah. Because I go, don't do that. Like, I find it to be cultural appropriation.

Stick to your line. Yeah. I just go like, I don't, okay, here's my thing. I don't mind speaking Spanish in Mexico, but I don't say, can we get some cervezas? Yeah, yeah. Gracias. I think that's disrespectful. That's disrespectful.

That's like if you came into one of the restaurants here in America and you're like, I'd like a big old fat burger. Yeah. And people are like, yeah, you can just order it the way you want. I mean, we've been doing that, but yeah, sure. I had that in Montreal where it's like you walk in and the first thing they say is, bonjour. It's like, I'm not playing this fucking game. I'm not going for this.

Yeah. Yeah. But I loved Sydney. We went to Sydney and Cairns. Oh, Cairns. Wow. Cairns. Cairns.

Yeah, yeah. Do you guys just not pronounce R's? We don't pronounce a lot of letters. Yeah. But yeah, Cairns. We say Cairns, not Cairns. Cairns. To be honest, when Americans pronounce Milbourne like that,

that would be something that we would make fun of. We'd go, oh, check out the American coming. Good afternoon, Melbourne. Like, yeah, if you come in and say, hey, Melbourne, you go, oh, fuck, sweet. We can listen to this. By the way, we should quickly say it's just after quarter past 12, and I think you've been called Kyle three times today, is it? Yeah. So people don't know.

My name is Carl. And that still sounds to you like Kyle, I'm sure. I thought that's what you said when you came in. Yeah. But you know what? I knew it was Carl. Because of the email. No, because I knew a guy.

When I first got an email about this, they said they had your names on it, but not your last names. Right. And I went, oh, I wonder if that's that guy. I met this dude who's a comic in Australia named Carl. Barron. Carl Barron. Yeah.

Oh, I wonder if that's Carl Barron. I wonder what he's up to. Yeah. And then I was like, and then I saw that it was. I checked. I went to your podcast on the podcast app. Right, right, right. And I saw that it wasn't.

I went, oh, cool. But I'm always, I'm about, I love podcasting in general. I like the art form of it. I like listening to them. I like finding new ones that I like. And so I never say no to a podcast. Like if anyone says they want me on their podcast,

I'm always like, fuck yeah. Well, it's fine with everyone in this country. Everyone thinks my name's Kyle. It's just a running thing where I've given up now. It's actually broken my back. People say Kyle, I go, yes. Like I order at a fast food place. Literally, I go up.

Like literally, I went to, what's the place called? Was it Shake Shack? I went to Shake Shack in New York and went up to the counter and said, hey, I'll have this. And they said, what's your name? I say Kyle. And they go Kyle. And I went, no, no, no, Kyle.

And they go Kyle. And I'm like, no, K-A-R-L. And she goes, oh, no, no, you and they go kyle and i'm like no k-a-r-l and she goes oh no no you're doing it all wrong it's called carl and i'm like oh fuck 41 years in i figured out how to say my own name so now i literally have to what's hilarious about that story is that that's like me saying my name is burt and they go burt and i go no burt yeah because you are saying kyle to them and they go, Bert, and they go, no, Bert. Because you are saying Kyle to them, and they are hearing Kyle, and you're like, no, Kyle. So now I have to, when I want my name to be heard by an American, I have to now say it in an American accent.

But everything else in the sentence is in an Australian accent. So now if I do that, and I've done that now where I've gone to a fast food place and I've had to order, and I order everything else in the Australian accent, and then I have to do the gear shift. So it sounds like me saying, yeah, mate, I'll have a cheeseburger. I have large fries. I'll get a large Coke and my name's Carl. You guys say my name like Bert.

Yeah. Bert. And I'm like, no, it's Bert. Yeah. Bert. Bert. That's interesting. But imagine if everywhere you went in Australia, people were constantly going, oh, Bart.

Yeah. That's what it'd be like. Yeah. But that's happening in America because my buddies decided to just start fucking with my name. Oh, really? And call me Burnt and Bart. Great. Bart Chrysler, Burnt Chrysler.

Great, great. So now everyone calls me Burnt. Yeah. Well, yeah, nothing, no offense, but nothing has made me happier on this trip than just seeing your broken spirits. Like you going Kyle and them going Kyle and you going, yeah. Just the sad look on your face the last three days has been so good. Call me whatever you want to call me. It's like, to me it's like when they made Mad Max in Australia and they brought it to America,

they had to recall it the Road Warrior for it to make sense over here. It's like, that's me. Wait, why did they have to call it the Road Warrior? I to make sense over here. It's like, that's me. Wait, why did they have to call it the Road Warrior? I don't know. They said Mad Max didn't make sense when they brought it here, like the original Mad Max movie. They retitled it for America. That's what I am.

I'm retitled for America. It's like, I'm looking forward to getting home tomorrow and being in my own bed. You're looking forward to getting back to your own name. Yeah, hearing an A in my name. Slide back into my old name. What time do you guys leave tonight? 10 p.m., 10.30 p.m. What are you flying, Qantas?

Qantas, baby. Got to be Qantas, Qantas. Qantas. Yeah. Couple of little rain men right here. What? I'm flying American over there. Oh, that's a shame.

Are they bad? No, I'm flying to Singapore first. Oh, yeah. And then I'm flying Qantas. Oh, yeah, you're doing a show in Singapore, aren't you? Oh, nice. Have you done a lot of... Selling well.

Have you done a lot of Asian traveling? Yeah, a little more than probably 90% of America. Yeah, yeah, totally. Because with your reputation of partying, I'd be fascinated to how that would go in Asia, that's all. Oh, Vietnam was a blast. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So was...

I fit right into that drunk uh japanese culture oh yeah businessmen just getting fucking blotto yeah yeah i fit in right i was like perfect with them yeah and then but vietnam was a fucking blast i loved vietnam which places did you go in vietnam because i just went i don't know you don't know no because i was doing it for a tv show so i never really like i literally just got up had someone wake me up you're on a tv show aren't you having to look into the camera and go here we we are in Ho Chi Minh? They just dub it in later. We went to Hanoi Bay.

Oh, yeah. Ha Long Bay. Ha Long Bay, yeah. So that would have meant that you were in Hanoi. We were in Hanoi. Yep. We were in the world's biggest cave. You probably would have done Ho Chi Minh.

We were on the Ho Chi Minh Trail for a little bit. We were in the world's biggest cave. We spent the night there. I don't know. We took a train one night. Okay. You know, it's,

I wish I was like, you guys know Tom Rhodes, I'm imagining. Yeah, he comes out to Australia every now and then. Tom Rhodes, I wish I was like him

or like Eddie Iftel is like this where they know where they've been and they're really good at telling you. That's like most people to be fair though.

The only two men that ever remember where they've gone. That's their hook. But when you're on a TV show, it is such a fucking whirlwind pace that you are sometimes in places for like eight hours and then get on a plane and leave to go somewhere else. So I had no frame of reference for like, I know we landed in Hanoi. I don't know where we left out of. Yeah. But like, it was just...

Do you, at a certain point, did you get sick? Because my, like, I look at like the travel shows, especially ones that are based around food, and I reckon that it'd be up there as my dream job, just getting to fly around to countries and... But going back to Man Vs. Food, I remember hearing an interview where Adam was like saying, you know, everyone's saying, oh, that would have been the dream job. You're eating all this great food and you're whatever. But he was saying all he was doing was eating that stuff on camera

and then having to not eat the rest of the time. And the crew would go out and get drunk in Pennsylvania or wherever they were and he'd be on the treadmill for the rest of the trip. Well, that's a lie. Oh, really? Great. Another piece of sweet Adam Richman gossip. I'm not shitting on Adam, but like, he was not getting on the treadmill.

I love you, Adam, so much. He was banging chicks in a room. Man versus poon. Yeah. We went out to eat one night I'll bet you did Yeah We did it Well checking out the taste of pussy

All around America Wow Me and him went out To Did like a crossover show one time And then we were like We went out to go eat And we

And it was great Because the chefs were like Oh fuck We're gonna make They made us like special gonna make they made us like special stuff like they made us these roasted i think they were like uh deep fried olives or like it was fucking just amazing they brought out the like special food when he showed up and then he was like what are you gonna do now and i was like i don't know keep drinking and he goes

well okay i'll meet up with you i got a chick meeting in my hotel room at like at 8.30 so that'll give me give me like 30 minutes and then I'll meet up with you oh wow so he pulls off the back of

women watching him fucking absolutely stuff his face with this rancid food and a woman's watching that and going I gotta get I gotta get that dick in me

that fuck I'm into that I'm so wet right now I think he's I'm not a chick so I wouldn't going, I got to get that dick in me. Look, fuck, I'm into that. I'm so wet right now. I'm not a chick, so I wouldn't know. But I think he's attractive. He's a good-looking guy. And he's famous. He's really fucking famous.

Yeah. And by the way, it was all the time. I think it was like Twitter. I think he was using Twitter. It happens to me. Girls hit me up. And they're like, hey, are you going to party in Houston this week? And you're like hey uh you know or like what are you gonna are you gonna party in houston this week and you're like yeah but not with you like yeah but they i think a lot

of girls but that's interesting because like a thing about man versus food and i love the show i've still got it on my laptop all the seasons of it i love it i'll watch it over and over but what i am slightly weirdly fascinated with is that you know they structure those those things the same way every episode where you know it's like right you gotta eat uh 1600 hamburgers let's get into it and and he's 300 in and he's like this is easy this is going to be great and then you know the break coming up it's like all of a sudden i'm hitting the wall and everything goes out of focus and he's getting groggily towards two-thirds of it or whatever. But then there'll be some very attractive girl that they cut to that just is reading off a piece of paper going,

Adam, Adam, you can do it? And then walks up and kisses him on the cheek and then he sort of goes Popeye-like and flexes his bicep and then eats the rest of it. It's like every episode they just find some really hot girl in the crowd and go, can you go and kiss him for the TV show? And that girl probably was one of the girls he'd go back with. This is a great scoop.

I'm not trashing on Adam. I don't want you to think that he's just like a poonhound. He definitely put a dent in the female population. He's a little bit of a player. We've got to get this shit onto his Wikipedia page for Man Vs. Food. Now his big thing. In the female population. That's great. He's a little bit of a player, you know? Right. We've got to get this shit onto his Wikipedia page, the man versus food. Now his big thing, I think he lives over in,

he spends a lot of his time in England. Right. He's obsessed with some Tottenham. Oh, yes. He is too. Tottenham Hotspur is an English Premier League club. Hotspur, yeah. Yeah. He's obsessed with them and soccer.

Yeah. But one of my favorite things about Adam is I was like, how long have have you been a fan he's like just a couple years yeah it was like real but he's obsessed with them and i said right how did you become obsessed so hard and he's like fifa the oh really soccer game right right yeah video game i know a lot of people i know uh really into it now through that through fucking that video game yeah and i know all the players they're like oh that guy like i'll be watching real soccer and like um someone raced down the wing and they go oh yeah that guy's really fast like have you seen this game before it's like no no no i've played as him on fifa so i know he's really quick it's like it's not exactly the same

thing but i don't know anything about uh anything other than like football baseball basketball i don't know the rules of soccer i don't know i don't even know. I don't know the rules of soccer. I don't know. I don't even know. I really don't know how they structure the teams. Meaning like I know that if you lose a little bit, you're no longer in the league or something. You get relegated out of leagues. Yeah. But I will tell you, I went in like a snob to one sport by that guy Carl Pilkington.

Not Pilkington. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Carl Pilkington. No, no, no, no, no. Kyle Pilkington. No, no, no, no, no. Kyle Pilkington. No, no, no, no. What's Carl from Australia? Barron.

Carl Barron. Yep. One night he goes, he's like, hey, do you guys want to go see 2020 cricket? Cricket, yeah, yeah. And we were like...

Which is probably the most accessible form of cricket for you. Yes. Yeah. By the way, it's better, baseball should take a fucking note from it. Now this is the way, it's better... Baseball should take a fucking note from it.

Now, this is the thing I'm sort of obsessed with with American sports where America to us is like short attention span, make everything easy, like the easiest food, the easiest everything else.

And then you have the most complicated, long-winded sports. That feels really weird to me. It's... Yeah. I'll tell you. Because baseball, doesn't it go for like a full day?

Doesn't it go for like eight hours or something? No, no, no, no. Doesn't it? How long does it go for? Who told you that? Three hours, four hours. Four hours is a long sport. Well, but regular cricket lasts five days. Sure, you're right.

But 2020 cricket, he brings us to the game. Me and a bunch of other comics were in South Africa, and the Australian team invited him and us to sit in their box and watch the game. Great. So they had a box. By the way, Carl Barron doesn't really hang out with Australian comedians, so you should count yourself lucky that you got an audience with the great man. Really? Yeah.

Is he a big deal? He's huge. He's like the biggest stand-up in the country but he just does theaters in his own tours like he never does rooms and stuff or clubs so no one no one really knows him because he's not we don't know him yeah i don't blame him i fucking i i'm supposed to do a spot at the store tonight and tomorrow night and i'm like i'm like i'm gonna be doing shows wednesday thursday friday saturday three shows saturday two shows Thursday, two shows Friday. I'm like, I do not want to hear myself fucking speak.

Yeah, yeah. I don't have anything original to work on. I'm working on it in my hour. Yeah. So, like, he was a very sweet guy. I liked him. Baron, yeah. Yeah, he's a really nice guy.

You were the cricket, yeah. But, oh, it was fucking amazing. The best two players are the only ones to hit. Yeah, yeah. So it's like Barry Bonds and fucking Mark McGuire, Sammy Sosa, and Derek Jeter are the only ones to bat. And, yeah. So it's like Barry Bonds and fucking Mark McGuire, Sammy Sosa, and Derek Jeter are the only ones to bat.

And you're like, shut the fuck up. That's all I want to see anyway. Yeah. I want to see a shortstop hit. And they're all going for the fence every time as well. They're all just trying

to smash the shit out of it. Yeah. It was so much fucking fun. I loved it. I absolutely loved it. So that's like, that's something that I'd go see. I don't know. I'm not really, I'm a little nervous about this fucking it. So that's like, that's something that I'd go, I'd go see. Yeah.

I don't know. I'm not really, I'm a little nervous about this fucking Australian tour because I'm, I'm like, I feel like I'm going to, um, I get away from myself. We were talking about this about the reason I don't like going to Montreal is like,

I have a tendency to, cause we were talking about that off air, but we just came from Montreal, Montreal comedy festival. And I have a tendency to like over party and like not take care of myself. Yeah, well, here's a big warning. Now, in case you don't

know this person already, but when you get to the Sydney Opera House, we're doing a show there. We're doing... For Just for Laughs? Yeah. Just for Laughs.

We're doing a live podcast. What night? The Thursday, I think. And we're doing stand-up as well. You're doing a full hour, obviously, as well. Here's a tip for you. If you don't want

to party there, stay away from a little Serbian gun runner that we know called Milan Krencevic. Have you heard that name already? No. Right. Well, he's either going to be your best friend or your mortal enemy because you guys would be the two biggest parties in that festival. Yeah.

I'm going to be looking for him then. Yeah. Is he a comic? He will find you. No, he's a friend of comedy. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

Is he a comic? He will find you. No, he's a friend of comedy. Okay. Yeah. He came to our... He's already fucked us up in two countries on this little trip so far. In New York and in Montreal. So he will find you.

Don't worry. Yeah. Oh, I can't wait. You'll be walking around just bumping into each other because you'll be just using the same GPS, whatever your instincts are, the same instincts he's got. That'll be fun. I wish I had more time. I think I literally am going

Sydney to Melbourne Melbourne to Sydney I'm just jumping And then to Brisbane I have one day I have a day off But that's the day I fly every day It fucking sucks

You'll work through it If you bump into Milan you'll have no choice We got into Montreal We flew all day from Australia By Like, we got into Montreal. We, like, flew all day from Australia. By the time we got in, it was, like, 8 p.m. Montreal time. We go out to maybe see a show, have a couple drinks, and then have an early night. We run into Milan, and it's just fucking game over.

Like, you make eye contact with him, and you're just done. Yeah. So we end up getting, you know, he's, like, throwing beers at us. I'm, like, maybe six pints in. And so it's a combination of, like, I haven't slept on any of the flights i'm jet lagged and i'm a bit drunk and a friend of mine was telling me the next day he goes man i bumped into you and you were you were going on about how you were sleep deprived and jet lagged and drunk and you couldn't work out what was going on and you looked me in the eyes and you really earnestly said i've never felt like this before which is one of the most embarrassing things I've ever said out loud.

Like a 16-year-old who's had his first fucking bourbon and Coke, like had two shots and gone, oh, what is this feeling? Really embarrassing. I've been every night in Montreal with two beers in my hand, begging people to put me in an elevator to get me into my room. Yeah, yeah. Get me into my room. Because you're staying in the place where all the parties are,

it's too easy to just go, well, normally you'd allow 38 minutes to get home, but here it's just an elevator ride. We've got a document in Sydney when Bert meets Milan. It's going to be a real meeting. It's going to be a meeting of minds. I'll tell you what I'm really excited for is, and I think I applied this to like my, my touring in the States is,

uh, we, when you tour in the States, like when you go to like, uh, Des Moines, yep. They're,

they're through the roof. Des Moines, Iowa. Yeah. They're like, dude, why'd you come to Des Moines? You're like,

cause you have a comedy club here and you're here. Yeah. Like, that's why I'm here. Yeah. I'm not here for my fucking, like I'm here because I, like I,

you guys, you guys live here too yeah and you and you guys are really appreciative that i flew here but by the way it's it's the same money it's the same flight everything's the same for me it's just it's just des moines instead of instead of uh houston exact same money yeah and uh and when we did this tour they were like they were like yes sydney and Melbourne, that's it. You're just going to do those two. That's for the festival. And I was like, fuck that.

I go, dude, I got to go to Perth. And they're like, no, no one goes to Perth. And I went, that's why I'm going to Perth. All right. And they were like, are you serious? Yeah. Perth is the most sold tickets I have for this tour. Really?

Yeah, Perth love it. Perth love it. Because I talked to this one girl, Sienna Bread. I hope I said her name right. But she did an interview with me. It doesn't sound like you did. She's a comic in Perth. I've been following her.

I just started following a lot of female comics from other countries lately. I don't know why. One girl, I had to be like, hey, we can't talk like this on DMs. You are funny as fuck. And you're getting me to giggle. And I'm excited. And I'm waiting for your responses. And that's not healthy.

I'm married. That was me, dude. I'm sorry. I'm being trolled by fucking... But I was excited to go to Perth and Brisbane and those are the ones that sell... So you're going to Brisbane? Yeah. Brisbane? Fucking love it. You're pronouncing it wrong, by the way. It's Brosbing. Brosbing. Get up on stage

and say, G'day, Brosbing. And I guarantee they'll love it. They'll love it. The funniest thing about when we went to Australia for the Travel Channel is we had an Australian Tourism Board member following us everywhere. Right. Yeah, because that's who flew us there with Australian Tourism. Through the show, yeah.

And they were like, You can't talk about how dangerous this country is can't talk about the great white sharks can't talk about the crocodiles can't talk about the spiders can't talk about the snakes can't talk about the king's punch king's punch king's king hit coward punches that was a really big thing at the time right guys were sucker punching dudes but as if you would want to on on your travel show, be interviewing the parents of a kid who died

getting king hit in the cross. That's what I said. I said to the lady I said. And it's a bit presumptuous to think that, you know, punching someone in the head is indigenous to Australia.

I was saying, I was like, how would any of this ever come up? But then the second she fucking said that, I found a million places to slide in man this fucking this activity is so good it's almost like a king's punch like king's punch the king's punch no it was it was called being king hit yeah it was called being

king hit but they rebranded it because they thought that the fact that it sounds kind of cool and sexy so now it's called so now the official term it So now it's called, so now the official term. Donkey dicking? Yeah, yeah. Now it's called a coward's punch. Yeah. So they wanted to rebrand it because they sort of think like now no one would want to do it. Why hitting someone from behind is named after something very regal? Regal, yeah. I don't know. Well, I know why.

You know why, right? No. Because that's how kings used to punch you. Oh, really? You couldn't punch him back. Oh. So a king could just go up and just punch you and you had to be like, take it. Oh, wow. So the king to be like take it oh wow wow

right i'm going to punch him now right and everyone's like oh it looks like you're going to be punched and he's like i'll stand here and take it right okay so yeah that's well because i got really obsessed with this king's head right and i was like because it was really big when i was it was i think a guy just died when i was there yeah it's very in vogue at the time they've rebranded it yeah yeah the crocodile thing was fucking legit we're in cans and they're like yo you can't go to the beach at night because you go to the beach at night and you might just disappear yeah and we're like totally we're like what and they're like it's kind of true of all beaches but yeah not really i was just in

clearwater beach and you could definitely go there at night. At night? Okay. But a crocodile could just be sitting on the beach and then just eat you. Yeah. And that's the thing that... But that's weird that they don't want you... The tourism board don't want you to talk about it when one of the biggest international movies from our country has the word crocodile in the fucking title. And also, if you go to Darwin, it's like, if you're not looking for the crocodiles and all the animals, it's a bit of a shithole.

There's nothing there. That's the only thing to do is look at crocs and then and then uh and then like it was yeah that was the interesting thing about australia is that they didn't want you to talk about we went out to the great barrier reef but i'm guessing how long ago is this because it's like is this i was my 40 the best one of my best days i've ever had in my entire life was on bondi beach in a red speedo with a little ball cap on on a surfboard um playing in the water and i turned 40 that day right and i was 115 or 215 pounds the skinniest i'd been in a really long time my wife was there and i was i had more fun than i've ever had any day ever of

shooting in my entire life and i that i i that whole trip to australia was just a fucking blast like it was oh it was fucking really great well yeah this this this one is going to be worse because you're going to meet malan and you're going to get so we should give a bit of context bit like we've just been saying you're known as the party guy so that is that is your reputation right you were you and just for any of our listeners who may not be familiar with you before hearing you on this show, you were the inspiration for the movie Van Wilder. Yeah.

Right. So that's where that reputation comes from, which I imagine you're probably sick of talking about. I wish I had never told anyone about the Van Wilder thing. But you're the inspiration for every Ryan Reynolds movie, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Deadpool. Deadpool, yeah. You and another guy and a girl in a pizza place, like everything.

Oh, yeah. By the way, I was a Ryan Reynolds fan before. Oh, right. Before, like, because I was in a deal and I ended up using two writers from my sitcom that were from two guys growing a pizza place. Right, right. And I will say this across the board. I always thought Ryan Reynolds was doing an impression of Dane.

Dane Cook? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very early, they shared a lot of the energy. I always thought Ryan Reynolds was doing an impression of Dane. Very early, they shared a lot of the energy. I was like, I wonder if you ever saw him on stage. Rolling Stone magazine discovered me in 1997 and called me the number one party animal in the country. Wrote a six and a half page article about me. Changed my life.

Oliver Stone optioned the rights to my life. I moved to New York. I started doing stand-up. Will Smith discovered me. Will Smith discovered you? Yeah. Well, I mean, discover. Yeah, yeah.

That's the right terminology, I think. I don't need to do a sitcom at a comedy club. In a drugstore? Yeah, at a soda pop shop. Yeah, you got what it takes. So I went to LA, started doing, developing a sitcom.

It's a shame that Will Smith didn't option the rights to your life because then that movie would have had like a Will Smith penned Burt Kreischer theme song in the charts

as part of it. I remember, I remember when they were, I think, I think things were collapsing around the Oliver Stone deal and they were morphing it into a national lampoon deal yeah no one was really sharing that with me i guess i don't know i had nothing to do with the fucking movie so like like i literally was just they read this article

they optioned this idea of a journalist meeting a party animal and both of them changing for the better yeah uh that was the premise of it because i submitted a script to called the undergraduates which was not that and they were like no no no no it's got to have a journalist in it because the journalist who wrote the article was in part of the option so i have a journalist in it so i was like okay i got my script back and then uh and then i got a call one day from my manager and they're like dude they made the movie about you. You know, we're going to sue. And I was like, okay.

At the time I had a career. Like I was doing TV and I was doing stand-up and I was fine. I actually had a really great career. And one of my managers got on the phone and he's like, Papa, there's two people who work in this business. There's two people in this business. People who work and people who sue. Pick which one you want to be. And he's like like go look up

Crispin Glover because Crispin Glover is notorious he had the biggest lawsuit and won it got a ton of money but then everyone's like I don't want to

fucking work with him it's like the Colin Kaepernick I'm sure you guys don't know what's going on with him but he was just the guy that kneeled

for our national anthem and now he's been blackballed so if you sue in this business everyone's like nah bro I don't fucking work with you guys so I didn't sue for our national anthem. Oh, he's a football player. Yeah, and now he's been blackballed. Right, right. So if you sue in this business, everyone's like, nah, bro, I don't fucking work with you guys. Yeah, sure.

So I didn't sue. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. Greatest thing that ever happened to me because the movie was hit big. I wouldn't have gotten any money. I don't really care about that. But the reason I wish I'd never told it is because I think now I've overwhelmed the movie.

Yeah. My career is overwhelmed uh that's not something usually anyone bring up now that now they're like dude tell about tell us about robbing it only just came out in australia which is the reason i bring it up but like but like there was a period of time where i was where i was concerned that like people were like tell us about van wilder and i was like I didn't know anything about it. It's like a footnote, a little blip in my career. And I thought people would be like, no, did you jack off a dog?

And I'm like, I don't know. I never even saw the fucking movie. That's great. Oh, you've never seen it still? No, never seen it. Oh, wow. That would be great if they stitch you up and it's just that scene where the dog's getting jacked off. There's just a subtitle.

This definitely happened to the real Brett Kreischer. This is the only real thing that we've used in this movie. The rest of it, we just wrote backwards from the dog jacking off scene. This was going to be our fourth act. The only thing that I think is true in the movie towards my life was

I haven't seen the movie, but I know all my friends' names are still in the movie that didn't change my friends' names. Oh wow, they changed your name but none of your friends. Because my friends all had really great names.

Right. Like your manager, by the way, the person that we've been dealing with through you, your manager's name is Reg Tiger Man. Yeah. Which is amazing.

To be honest, we're a little bit obsessed with him. It's the most show-busy name of anyone I've ever met. Everyone's name is Dave Billabong or whatever back home. Reg Tigerman. This is the sort of thing we come to America for. Reg Tigerman.

Big fan of Big Reggie. He's great. Is he the one who convinced you not to sue? No, this is a different one. It was Barry Katz. Oh, we know him through the documentary Comedian. Barry's my manager. It was the best advice

he ever gave me. He gave me great advice all through my career but that was like one that like stood out so I didn't sue. So conversely,

Reg Tigerman's advice is come on the Little Dumb Dumb Club podcast so he's not really cutting his way against Big Barry. I will say Reg and I are like

we're as like and I hope Reg takes this as a compliment. My other manager right now is a woman named Judy Marmel, Judy Brown Marmel. And she is someone where – Judy Togilati. Yeah. They should call her that.

She's someone where I take her advice and I listen to it and I go, okay. Reg is someone that is growing with me in the business, meaning this is a distinct Reg move, is finding you guys and going, you have to do their podcast. Well, you'll be happy to know that that was the only bit of networking we actually did in Montreal, was talking to Reg Tigerman

and paying up to do you on the podcast. Reg immediately was like, this will be good. Yeah. This is in Bert's lane. Yeah. Because this is what I like doing. And this is good.

We do have a big shit ton of listeners in Australia. So this is a nice way of introducing you to it. And there's a lot of people coming to see it. We've nearly sold out our show in Sydney. So we would implore you to go and see more than just our show. Yeah. And come and see yours. Yeah.

I'm interested. The only other Australian person I know is Will Anderson. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know him. I mean, I know him through like texting and stuff. Yeah. But I think he's going to – Big friend of the show.

We've just been hanging out with him in LA for a few days. So, yeah. Nice. So, what did you guys do in LA? Did you guys go to the store? At the moment, yeah, I did gigs at the Improv and the Laugh Factory. Yeah. We did a live podcast.

We've been doing a few podcasts. Like we've been here a couple of times before. We've been staying in the worst hotel in LA. Yeah. The Saharan Motor Hotel the worst hotel in LA. Yeah. The Saharan Motor Hotel on Sunset. Yep. Know it. Has it been...

Have you partied there? Is that too low for you to be... No, no. I partied there one time. Is that where you jacked off the dog? Where I jacked off the dog? Inspiration for Van Wilder? I smoked brown brown.

No. I ended up there one night just partying. Right. You know how those parties end. Right, right. I was younger. My blood pressure was in control. I would love it if you could remember the room number,

and it turns out it's the same room you're wearing. Yeah. That might be the worst part of the city. It's the Golden Mile. It's so bad. It's pretty sketchy over there. But yeah, I think I would love to be like you guys and be able to come to LA and just do podcasts.

You live here. Yeah, but it's like I couldn't do that in Australia. Yeah, yeah. I tried to do it a little bit in London, but I don't think podcasting has really taken off in London the way it has in LA. And I think, you know what, and this might be wrong, but this is what I've picked up over the years through comedy festivals in Melbourne and stuff like that. Americans love to do extra stuff, love to come and do like you've got your show on they'll come into a spot at this gig or they're coming to a podcast or whatever i think the english comedians are a little bit like i've got my show and then i'm going to bed yeah yeah

i'm not doing anything else quick bit of do the show quick bit of tea yeah and then off to bed i did a podcast with a guy named al murray oh yes i did a podcast with him by the way big fucking guy i didn't know he's like massive four yeah and he's like and he's dressed real like nice yep looks like doesn't look like the public landlord at all looks like what everyone in america thinks english people look like i would say yeah yes yeah and then i was like dude you gotta do a show in in new york and he's like i don't know i do my tour i'm good yeah and i was like dude fuck that do got to do a show in New York. And he's like, I don't know. I do my tour. I'm good. And I was like, dude, fuck that. Do it. And now he's doing a show in New York in September.

Yeah. But when I went to London, I was like, okay, I'll do one show. I'll do a show. And I was like, I won't sell any tickets in my head. And then it sold out in like fucking 30 minutes. And I was like, should have done a bigger club. And Reggie and I were both like, note to self, let's fucking do a theater next time. Well, dog jacking off is huge over there in the UK.

It's my thing. It's my closer. Ladies and gentlemen, you see me reach into my pocket and pull out a biscuit. And I laugh a bit. And then the dog comes running up the center. And I'm like, what's he going to do? And I was like, hold, hold. Meanwhile, old Targum is backstage fielding all the calls from Peter, having to fucking really go to work.

In his defense, the dog's liking it. Well, hey, we'd better wrap up the podcast here for another week. It was lovely to have you on, Bert. Thank you so much. At the very end, let's dissect the difference between American and podcast. Like, an American podcast has to be three hours. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we gathered that.

Yeah, the look of shock on your face just then. Yeah, I'm like, 47 minutes? Yeah. Nine minutes? For real? Well, hey, were you keeping anything in the tank for hour three? Get it out now. If you've got questions, you did say you want to ask questions about Australia before you go.

So please, hit us with three questions. Okay, so I want to know the places I'm going. Perth, Sydney, Melbourne, and Brisbane. Uh-huh. Define them as American cities. Oh, okay. I think Sydney would be LA, wouldn't it? Don't you think?

I guess, yeah. Melbourne is New York. Okay. I reckon Melbourne's a bit more Boston. Oh, really? Yeah, kind of halfway between New York and Boston, I reckon. Like, not as kind of crazy and intense. No, beachy.

A bit more of a mellow vibe of Boston. Known for its laneways and not as good weather, but more cultural and stuff like that. That's Melbourne. Not beachy at all? A little bit. The beaches aren't that great. Sydney's known for its beaches. Melbourne, the weather's not as good as Sydney, so it's not as known.

Really? Yeah. Weather-wise, is it more like Boston, like a colder town? It's colder, yeah. Yeah. Okay, okay. Yeah. I mean, but the weather will be getting, it's like middle of September, so it'll be starting

to get into like autumn-y kind of spring. No, spring. Spring. Spring. Okay, so then Brisbane, what's that like? Is it more city? Miami, maybe What's that like? Is it more Miami maybe? What?

Miami Is it? What? I think it's like More Texas More like Kind of That's

It's pretty Brisbane's pretty Bogany On the whole Queensland the state That's where all the Real hardcore Bogany kind of

Cities are But there's Greatness Like I think The podcast The comedy fans In Brisbane Are fucking awesome

Yeah So I think There's definitely I brisbane the people that have come to your show will be great but it is a little bit redneck in yeah in queensland probably higher up than brisbane a little bit but it is a bit like it's one of those places where everything else in there is a bit fucked but the people who come to shows are really cool because there are still kind of cool people that are into the arts who are very excited any time because not everything bothers to come to Brisbane. So the fact that you're doing it, people would be psyched, like, oh, cool, this is going to be here.

That's so exciting. Put it this way, and I've said this before on the podcast, but I do a bit of work on a TV show back home that's like sort of the Australian version of like The Daily Show or something like that. And sometimes I have to field the inbox of the Facebook page and one of the hosts is Muslim. And so there is an absolute shit ton of private messages sent to that page

that are just extremely abusive towards him. And I make a little thing in my head where I have to open up the profile of everyone that sends an abusive message. And they've always got a car as a profile picture, and they're from Queensland. So that's the thought behind that state. Then what's Perth like? Perth is a weird city

because you'd almost sort of say like climate wise and everything it's probably like Los Angeles because it is the west coast. And it's another country

because it's so far away from everything else. It's a three. And there's nothing in the middle. There's just desert in the middle. So Perth is the most

Vegas but like way, way, way further away. Do you guys have like a Vegas? Is there any town in the middle of Australia? The Vegas of Australia way, way, way further away. Do you guys have a Vegas... Is there any town in the middle of Australia? The Vegas of Australia would have to be the Gold Coast. Probably, yeah. Yeah, the Gold Coast is right next to Brisbane, like an hour away.

Okay. And so Perth has got a little bit of an LA vibe, but it's very like... From what I can gather looking at pictures, it's almost got like a Midwestern vibe as we have in the US. So it's the most isolated major city in the whole world. Really? And I reckon you can kind of feel it when you're there.

So it's nice, but it's also, there's a lot of stuff there where it's like, well, there's nothing else anywhere nearby. So we've kind of had to create all this stuff from scratch because there's just no other way of getting access to it. Very nice weather. It's a hot state. Nice weather, yeah. Hot city, nice beaches,

but they've almost seceded from Australia over there. Yeah. They're that far away. So they had a big mining boom and heaps of people from other cities moved over there to get in on it. So you have heaps of 19-year-olds who are just earning millions of dollars and spending it the way you would spend it if you were 19 and had a lot of money.

So it's almost like Edmonton, Canada. Oh, okay. Edmonton. You went up there and they had a mining boom or like an oil boom. Yeah. And you had, I remember Ari Shaffir called me and he was like, hey, bring double the amount of shirts. Right, right, yes.

I was like, nah. Exactly. Yeah. Oh, should I bring merch? That's what that is like. Do you guys sell merch at these shows? Sure. We sell merch, yeah. I mean, it's a pain in the ass for me to travel with fucking merch.

It's a little bit of a pain in the ass. Yeah, that's a fucking nightmare. If you want to do it, though, I think Western Australia and Perth, it's got a bit of a reputation of you bring stuff from somewhere else and they're like, fuck, we've never seen t-shirts before. We'll have ten. And because of the mining boom, everything... Okay, then I'm only bringing merch to Perth.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm bringing two suitcases. Burner suitcases that I can throw away. Direct from here, yeah. Stamp Perth on all of your t-shirts and send all those out. I'm making a Perth shirt. Perth and Perth. Yeah.

Make Bert Kreischer budgie smugglers and sell them after you get... Yeah, yeah. That'd be great. Budgie smugglers. Like, what do you call speedos? Oh, dude. Don't even get me started I'm big

with speedo oh yeah no I mean I make I'm gonna do all my videos and for speedos well they'll love that I can't fucking wait all right everything's expensive over there

because of the mining boom every all the prices went up so everything's crazy like there's a thing in Australia called the two dollar shop everything in the

Perth two dollar shop is like eight bucks it's crazy. Everything's way too expensive over there. What else do you want to know? I think that's it. I wanted to party with the Bra Boys

just because I like that documentary. What a strange reference to have up your sleeve. I want to party with them. Are the Bra Boys still around? Yeah. Are they?

They haven't killed anyone for a while so we haven't heard of them. They're not very active. I love that fucking documentary. Right. I've never seen it. Oh, dude, it's so fucking great.

See, that's way more dangerous than the sharks and everything like that. Oh, yeah. The sharks and stuff, the crocodiles and stuff, it gets overplayed over here because it's like,

well, you know what? They're not walking down the street. Just stay away from Darwin. Just stay away from the places that they're going to be. Well, it's fascinating that all the danger signs are written in English

and just in German also. Germans die at an alarming rate in Australia. Yeah, right. Because they don't have anything. Who do you want to meet? Who would you want to meet that's Australian? Like your king. Okay, I think.

Yep. I hear Bochak because he's going to punch you. Paul Hogan, we can get onto him. He's our king. I don't really have any like, there's no Australian frame of reference for, like, I would want to meet the, like, in all honesty, like, my dream would be, like, go to Sydney, I run into you guys, and, like, the girls who do My Favorite Murder,

and then I'll go out partying one night. Yeah, yeah, sure. Like, I don't really care about, like, celebrity. Yeah, yeah, we don't have celebrities like you guys. You're sitting in the biggest celebrity city in the world. We've got the landscapes.

We've got the weather. We've got all the... Australia is the stuff. I just ask because every now and then you meet an American who for some reason goes, you know who I love?

That Andrew O'Keefe who's like a game show host back home. Every now and then you'll just find an American who just has a random Australian celebrity. There's like a little guy, I don't know if you've heard of him,

Russell Crowe. I wouldn't mind partying with him. Oh, yeah, sure. Get a phone, chuck it in your head. I want to party with Mel Gibson. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we can tee that up. They've both been on the podcast.

That would be dangerous. I have a dream of like, and I say to my agents, reach out to him. If you can get a hold of him. If he's looking for a drinking buddy one night, I'll sit there and fucking let him ran on me. Yeah. Mad Mel.

Yeah, cool. I fucking love Mel Gibson. Yeah. I love that he's so talented he keeps coming back and no one can deny him. Yeah, yeah. He keeps making fucking great movies

and everyone's like, okay, all right, we don't like his politics, but God damn it, Hacksaw Ridge was a good fucking movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You ever see the one, Calypso,

Apocalypto? No. No. It's one of the best fucking movies I've ever seen in my goddamn life. Yes. And it's in the middle of him just going out on? No. No. It's one of the best fucking movies I've ever seen in my goddamn life. Yes. And it's in the middle of him just going out on rants

and you still watch it and they tried to bury it. It's such a great fucking movie. Right. Right. Oh, but yeah, I think that's what, I would like to just hang out

with like cool comics when I'm over there. Yeah. And just, and I would like, I would love for comics to like, I'd love for someone to watch my set and tell me what I'm doing wrong. We do that mic is up during your gig and we'll

just do it live commentary the best is because like i've never done stand-up in australia and they've never seen anything i've done yeah so i can do one hour of greatest hits of yep and then and just fucking annihilate as opposed to the hour I'm working on now, where it's been a little sluggish. Quick reminder, we do have the internet down there. But my stand-up's odd in the sense that, for some reason, I think storytellers, people want to hear stories they've heard, they want to hear it again.

It's problematic for me in the States. It is funny. A couple of years ago, we did come over, and we went and saw Jim Gaffigan. And so he did his new hour and it was all great. But then he comes back for the encore and he goes, so there's a little thing called a hard parka. And that's the bit everyone knows. Everyone goes ballistic.

Everyone goes crazy. And then he tells it and then everyone goes, oh, that's right. We've heard this before. And it's like, that's weird. It's interesting with stories. I tell that machine story about getting involved with the Russian mafia. Have you heard that i i watched the clip on facebook the other day so yeah so i i haven't had a show where i i have not i haven't had a show where i have not been able to tell it right so like people shout it from the second i get on stage yeah and now they're like

now they're like uh the machine flying dildos Frank. Ah, just a set list. They want to hear, because the story is a little different in the sense that it changes a little bit. It's got a little bit of fluidity to it every time. And it's got an ending, and sometimes you don't remember the ending. That's weird, because people yell out Flying Dildos at my gigs as well, but I don't have a bit about it. It's just a warning shot. It was the dumbest thing I ever did. I did it on Comedy Central.

I did Flying Dild it on Comedy Central. I did Flying Dildos on Comedy Central for a storytelling show and it was just a fucking, just, it was like a really great story and so I didn't really put it on a special

so I can't really work on it because I can't use it for anything. I can't put it on my new special so there's no reason for me to tell it on a show but people just shout it out

every show. Well, it would be great because when we just advertised the fact that, you know, it was a big get for us to go to the the sydney opera house because usually you know we can't get booked at you know the gigs that we run ourselves and so to get to get booked at the sydney opera house was like awesome for us and we were a bit of a you know bit of an underdog sort of vibe so where am i playing in sydney sydney opera house no not the not the not the fucking yeah water yeah no are? Because I think some shows are at the Enmore. Oh, really?

Yeah. Let me look it up. What's the name of it? The Enmore? Enmore Theatre? Maybe it's that. I'll look it up. Right.

I'll look it up, bro. So when we put that out and we were advertised as being at the Sydney Opera House and we sort of took pictures of the ads that were going out and there was pictures of you next to the pictures of us and a lot of our fans went, oh my god, Bert's here as well, the machine. Oh my god, fucking hell. So there's a lot of our fans went, oh my god, Bert's here as well, the machine, oh my god, fucking hell. So there's a lot of people just excited.

This is more excited by you than by us, to be fair. No. So there's plenty of interest out there in Australia for you. Yeah, you're doing the Enmore Theatre. Oh, right. Yeah. I'll tell you how many tickets I've sold. If you're in town when we do our show, you can walk on stage for five seconds at our

gig just to say you've done the Opera House if you want. Oh, yeah, sure. If it pleases you. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. Get a photo with the opera house if you want if it pleases you yeah definitely get a photo with the crowd and you can put that up and say

ladies and gentlemen I'm here to tell one joke how does someone become an abortion doctor is there really someone in med school thinking well I want to work with kids

but I want to meet chicks right we'll do it if the tummy works out we'll definitely do it yeah the Enmore Theatre yeah what night

it's still a great theatre it's half sold right now. What night? Enmore's a big venue, so that's good. September 13th. Oh, boy. That's the same day as us. That's the day before us.

Oh. So this might not work out. Oh, yeah. So you mightn't be around. So I'm going to be on a plane going to Melbourne. Melbourne. So I'm doing Melbourne on the 14th. Oh, man.

Melbourne. And then I'm in Brisbane on the 18th. Oh, okay. Yeah, Brit. And then I'm in Brisbane on the 18th. Oh, okay. Yeah, Brit. Where are you playing in Brisbane? Melbourne's almost sold out. Great.

Okay. Is this an email from Big Reggie? Yeah, I know. Sydney needs some help. Okay, cool. We'll get on it, Sydney. 1,500 seater. Yeah.

How big is your room? Oh, not as big as that. Yeah. Oh, shit. Yeah. Fuck. You'll be fine. I hope I get to see you guys when I'm in Sydney. Totally. When as that. Yeah. Oh, shit. Fuck. You'll be fine. Well, I hope I get to see you guys when I'm in Sydney.

Totally. When I'm in Australia. Yeah, hopefully. Maybe we can go up the night before or something and hang out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like we owe it to the podcast to get a conclusion of you meeting Milan. Yeah, yeah. We need to get that to happen. All right.

Yeah, we'd better wrap it up for another week on the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Go check out Bert Kreischer while he's in Australia if you don't have tickets already. So, yeah, you heard the dates just then. They're through, I think, what is it, justforlifes.com.au?

Yeah. Just Google it. There's no need to give the link out. September 11th and then I wrap up in Brisbane at the very end of the week.

Great. We've got heaps of fans in all those, a lot of comedy goers in all those cities, a lot of hardcore comedy fans, so please go and see

Bert. Tweet Bert and let him know if it's worth him bringing merch. Let him know if you'll buy a t-shirt or not. Yeah, yeah, yeah Bert. Tweet Bert and let him know if it's worth him bringing merch. Let him know if you'll buy a T-shirt or not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can also just get on my website, guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

True. Save you the hassle. Guys, thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. I mean, if you want. It's up to you.