The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 366 - Merrick Watts

Episode Date: October 11, 2017

This week we offer proof that bullying us on your radio show will get you invited onto the podcast, as MERRICK WATTS makes his debut on the show! We're in a fancy Sydney studio to follow up on the fallout of last week's now infamous list. We also hear about shit made up games, bow ties and e-mails from hotel managers! Don't forget, we have a bunch of huge live shows coming up: MELBOURNE: We're doing a huge live show with FIONA O'LOUGHLIN and LAWRENCE MOONEY! SATURDAY OCTOBER 21. Tickets here. PERTH: We're heading over for our annual huge Dum Dum event. SUNDAY NOVEMBER 19. Tickets here.CANBERRA: We're doing it again. A huge live show in your city. SATURDAY NOVEMBER 25. Tickets here.For tickets, merchandise, links to our Patreon and heaps of other stuff, head to our website: littledumdumclub.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new in-studio episode with Merrick Watts. People have been asking for Merrick to be on for ages and we finally made it happen and it's a real good one. Including Merrick. The great man himself, yes. First time guest. Not a subtweet, directly asking us on his radio program to have him on.

So that's coming up in a minute, but we've got to let you know about a couple of things that we are doing near you, potentially, in the next little while. Coming up very soon, October the 21st, at the Croxton Park Hotel. It is our huge live show with Lawrence Mooney and Fiona O'Loughlin, Moon and June,

your favourite pairing live on the show. It is selling super, super well. it's going to be packed in there not much longer to get a ticket so don't miss it. Exactly, come and pack it out we also have Tommy Dassler, friend of the show, has designed a new little t-shirt, so we're going to have that on sale as well and there is very

very limited numbers so you can grab one at the show but you can also grab one online you'll need, I don't think it's attached to our website at the moment, you'll need to get it on on our social media it's on uh instagram it's on twitter it's on facebook but it's the new andre brutal t-shirt so get online and check out the visual um uh description of that t-shirt and this is a good one if you like a t-shirt that's you know not too obvious that it's from a podcast do you know what i. If you want cool merch but you don't want to be wearing something that says The Little Dum Dum Club

and be asked in the street, what the fuck is that? This is the shirt for you. Especially if you want to be asked, what the fuck is Andre Brutal instead? Sure, if you like the more lofty questions in life. If describing a podcast is too easy for you, then

why not describe an in-joke from the podcast instead? Yeah, yeah. So littledumbdumbclub.com. We'll have the links up very soon to our big cartel on social media and all that sort of stuff. But get one at the show. Come get one at the live show. We are also doing our big live Dumb Dumber Palooza in Perth

on November the 19th. That is going to be massive and, again, selling very well. Our annual trip over there to do stand-up and a live podcast. Looking forward to that. I haven't been there for the full year, so I always look forward to going to Perth. So that's coming up very soon. Good shit.

We've got good guests confirmed, so very exciting. Yep. And then Saturday, November the 25th, we are back in Canberra after the success that was last year's show. We're doing it again. Get the carload full of people and driving up there. It's going to be a lot of fun. Great show last year after the eight-hour semi-delusional drive that we did up.

Puts us in a good stead to do whatever this is, I think. Yeah. And here's a tip for this time. I think we need to leave earlier so we don't start shitting our pants. Absolutely, yeah. We rolled in as the gig was beginning and I'd like to not do that again if possible. Well, to be fair, we rolled into a fucking wooden shack

and then expected technical things to be working as well. We only rolled into the venue because it looked like a garage so we were trying to park the car in there. Little did we know that that was the very stage that we would be performing on in about five minutes time no one of the tech stuff didn't work we ran over it so yeah uh so that's going to be very good and that is it for us for the year so all those shows littledumbdumbclub.com but keep watching because we i think we're you know we're a big chance of announcing some extra little shows very early in the new year so we got itchy feet

we can't sit still for too long, you and I. Yeah, yeah. We've got to earn money. Remember when this show – remember when we would go eight months without needing to do ads up the top because we just didn't have any live shows on? Oh, really? Yeah. We didn't do that many live shows.

But, you know, you know what? It was actually – I'll say this. It was a rare occasion for us to appear before the music. Right. Now it's just – that's the default. Yeah, yeah. Well, we're doing it very quickly these days, course because we've got up the end of it is uh up the end of the show is going to be the patreon read which is a big reminder that if you want to

join the patreon uh subscribe a list of our little show you keep the show alive you keep it on life support um you keep breathing air directly into deep into our lungs and keep this thing going even though it's brain dead for years. It's like Michael Schumacher. So someone's been in an induced coma for five years and you're still giving it CPR. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a new thought of medicine.

Great. This show's like Michael Schumacher. It's technically alive. It's brain dead. Everyone's sort of hoping that it's still going to go. Hoping against hope. Hoping it's going to get in the car and drive again one day. everyone's sort of hoping hoping that it's still going to go hoping it's going to get in the car and drive again

one day there's no fucking chance of that happening yes okay but hey those people out there they're still they don't know that yet

don't give up the ghost yeah they're just they're still they're still in awe of the great legacy that he's made which is what we've done what we did in the past

is impressive that's the only thing that gives you hope and we drive a big red car so yeah littledumbdumbclub.com for those tour dates, for those tickets. I'll mention this again. I'm going to be in Shanghai on the 27th and 28th of October and Singapore on the 31st if we have any listeners there.

I've already had someone hit me up in Singapore. I was going to say. They're going to bring some mates. Right. So that'll be cool. What dates are they again? The 26th and 27th of October and the 31st of October. Oh, okay.

Why? Oh, I just, there is a slight chance of me going to Singapore around that day. Of course there is. There's a slight chance of you going to Singapore around every day. Fuck. Great. Yeah, you're right. Let's go now.

What do you think of me doing a gig in Singapore on Halloween? What if I get like a skeleton onesie and just come out dressed in a costume for a holiday that I can't imagine they particularly don't celebrate? Can you imagine being in a really hot country and then going around dressed as a fucking skeleton and stuff? All day. Anyway. Pretty spooky. Alright, enjoy this episode with Merrick Watts. Hey mates, welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week Thank you very much for joining us

My name is Tommy Dasolo and sitting next to me the other half of the program, Carl Chandler This sounds good, doesn't it? This is great We're up here in the Sydney leg of a previous employer that we were banned from the building of. Yeah. And it sounds beautiful. It's going to sound crystal clear. Sounds like we're not inhaling any of the fumes of your share house at all.

Yeah. It's very nice. And the reason for this is that we have a first time guest on the show. Please welcome me to the little dum-dum club, Merrick Watts. Yes. Boys, welcome to the studios here. Isn't it nice seeing professional equipment? It's very, very good.

We've got a lot of screens in front of us. I don't know what any of them do. We're recording obviously inside the Triple M studios, one of the studios here at SCA in Sydney. I had to get Liam, my producer, to press record because I've got no fucking idea how any of this

stuff works. Play and record at the same time. Sweet, easy. So he set it up from the other side of the desk. So he's just told us that he's hit record and then left the room. We can't actually see the screen. So this might be some weird prank where we're just here having this very animated conversation for an hour. Very elaborate.

Yeah, there's people through the windows just laughing at us going, look at them. They think they're on radio. They think people are watching. They think people care. Sorry, that's what I do five days a week. So we were on your radio show the other day. Did you have fun? Yeah, we had a great time.

And it kind of ended with us being bullied into doing this with you today. You weren't bullied, and for good reason. You've got a great little podcast, 360-something episodes, and there's a distinct lack of Mary Quartz in all of them. To be fair, I have tried. I've tried it, and it's weird when you're busy and successful how you don't have time for a shit-ass little podcast. No, no, I've always got time for shit.

So it's a pleasure to be here. Because we tried to get you to do one in Adelaide, a live one, and you couldn't do it. You had something very pressing on, which I believe is you were down the street getting pissed. Yeah, I think so. That sounds very likely, actually. It wasn't with Lawrence Mooney, was it?

No, it wasn't, because I think he was on that episode. Oh, okay. All right. Well, that's unusual. Yeah, I would have been drinking, doing something. We're in the middle of, we're here in Sydney. We're broadcasting from Sydney. We're in the middle of the Just for Laughs festival and we've just done our live show

last night from the Opera House. It was very good. It was, I've always had a little bit of doubt about Sydney audiences, but I've been proved very wrong in the last couple of times. What do you mean by that? I don't know. We just did a couple of shows up here a few years ago and it was like, you know that thing where like all of our fans, our listeners have paid to come and see us and then

they've sort of all turned up and gone, eh, not for me. And it's like, what? But what? What? So I feel like we had one or two of them and I was like, I don't know about Sydney. Really? But look, they've proved me absolutely wrong and I'm very happy

to be proved wrong. But yeah, we had a bell time. Any open mic is the number one lesson in comedy. Always blame the audience. It's always the audience's fault. The only place I haven't done stand-up in Australia, I think, is I don't think I've done stand-up in Tasmania. So that's the only audience that's kind of unfamiliar to me.

Generally, I find everywhere pretty good. Tasmania is great. You should go down there. Yeah, because I mentioned that they're pretty much gagging for some culture or people to talk to. People that they see in the street who aren't related to them. Yeah, exactly. Or apples.

That is the most boring question to be asked about stand-up is like when you go interstate. Do you find it different doing jokes in Adelaide? Yeah. As if you're in the middle of the Sahara or something. But I do, though. I get asked that same question when I was doing my show in the Fringe earlier this year in Adelaide.

Like I would do, in my hour, I would do 15 minutes up front just Adelaide, like really hyper-specific Adelaide gear because I know that that would fly and it also kind of sets up the night for Adelaide people. Here's a big tip. Don't do that in Tasmania. Don't do 15 minutes on Adelaide. They do not care.

Well, there's not 15 minutes on Tasmania for Tasmania. All your local gear could be wrapped up in one minute. It's weird for your local gear to take the exact amount of time that it takes to drive around the state. This is exactly right. Do you guys like apples and scallops? Yeah, we do. You know us so well. You know how good you've got us. Do you guys like apples and scoops? Yeah, we do. You know us so well.

You know how good you've got us. Did you grow up here? One of us. One of us. No. No, I'm not. Well, we did the Opera House last night, so this is something that's just happened. Sorry, you did.

Opera House is an amazing venue. How does it compare to Tommy's Share House? The Opera House compared to the... I will say, be more readily available in my share house. Yes. Now, you would be a person that would be not a fan of what happened last night. And we shouldn't complain too much about people that hold power over us, but could you put a fucking beer backstage?

What do you mean? No beers backstage. No rider. Nothing. We went up to, like, there's a green room bar, like, backstage that we went up to. Yeah. Any beer? No, we're out of beer. Okay. How can you be out of beer at the Opera House? They rider. Nothing. We went up to, like, there's a green room bar, like, backstage that we went up to. Yeah. Any beer? No, we're out of beer.

Okay. How can you be out of beer at the Opera House? They had light beer. They were offering us light beer. Well, that's out of beer. Yeah, well, yeah. Sorry, yes. But not only are they offering us light beer to buy upstairs, nowhere near the show, but

yeah, we get backstage and we got two bottles of water. Oh, no, cheers, guys. That shithouse. Yeah. Look, we shouldn't leave that as the one lasting memory of playing the opera house, but I think it might be. It was a wonderful experience, but it just was like, yeah, whatever. Who cares? But just wanting to wet the whistle before the gig.

And it's just frustrating when you're blocked at every, you can't find any. If it wasn't for a certain Serbian gun runner we know called Milan Krencevic, who then delivered us like 12 beers on stage. Yeah. Are you familiar with Milan Krencevic? No, but he sounds like he can deliver more than beer with that name. It's like AKs, bags of Gak. Totally.

Pretty much. Totally. He's got them worked out. He's got an AK, a Gak, whatever you like. How did you do the Adelaide Fringe and not run into Milan? You would know Milan. He's got a puffer vest. He's got a moustache and a little beard and a, what do you call it?

Like a- Hat. Oh, that's the technical term. Yeah, yeah. You know hat. Oh, you probably know him as Hattie. Oh, I mean, you're wearing one now, but in Sydney we call them hearts. Yeah, right, right.

Well, we did the Opera House last night. Well, just quickly, so yeah, Milan, who, yeah, very notorious for his generosity with shouting rounds of drinks for comedians during comedy festivals. Yeah. And we're just about to go on before the gig. We've spent an hour trying to find a beer instead of preparing for the show. And Milan's backstage and we bump into him and Carl goes up to him and goes, look, I never like to take advantage of you and what you're known for. Like I always try and avoid it as much as I can,

but I'm going to do this for once and once only. For the love of God, can you find us a fucking beer? And he goes, I'm on it. That's why I came back here. And then 15 minutes into the gig, on stage at the opera house, just a fucking weird Serbian guy comes out with a bucket full of beers. Wow. Yeah.

They don't muck around the Serbs. Yeah. I've got lots of Serbian friends. They don't muck around when they decide to have a drink. They get it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's not mucking around time.

He's more of an enabler, though. Like Milan, Milan drinks a lot, but I think he ghosts under the fact that he gets everyone else so drunk they all think, oh, man, he's a big drinker. It's like, no, no, no. He's a feeder of beer. Oh, yeah. You see him and he's always got his hands full of drinks, but they're for other people and there's not one for him in that round.

Yeah. Yeah, interesting. So we did Opera House last night. Now, we got all dolled up. You wore suits. Yeah, we saw suits. You Opera House last night. Now, we got all dolled up. You wore suits. Yeah, we saw suits. You wore a suit that wasn't yours. Yes.

You could tell. Yeah. It was adult size. I took my suit to the dry cleaners the day before we left for Sydney. We picked it up that morning, had it on the plane, flew up, go to put it on right before the gig and go, yeah, they've given me the wrong suit. This isn't mine.

And it's giant on me. Like it looks fucking ridiculous. And he finds out like 20 minutes before the gig. Oh, that's not fair. That's not fair. So he wears that. He's swimming around in his suit on stage. I've got my.

It's comedy, so it looks like you've done it deliberately. Oh, man, I was so excited. Tommy, you put on a novelty suit So dumb Took it to the Took it to the dry cleaner And we're like Went and picked it up

And felt really good Like man this is going to be cool Doing the opera house I'm going to look so sharp up there And then I just Looked like a fucking idiot That's what we should do The next live show

We just should start getting Bigger and bigger suits That's what we should start To be known for And still on the stage It's just basically A jumping castle That we're inside of. No, we share one suit between us.

Oh, there you go. Yeah, yeah. That's comedy. Not bad. That's comedy. Not bad. So I wore my tux. I got married a week ago, so I've figured this is the only other time I'm going to get

to wear the tux. So I wore the tux. So I'm not familiar with wearing a tux or even a tie. I don't know how to wear it. I'm not a grown-up. I don't know how to tie a tie. I didn't even know how to put on the bow tie that has a strap on a tie. I don't know how to wear it. I'm not a grown-up. I don't know how to tie a tie. I didn't even know how to put on the bow tie that has a strap on it. I didn't even know how to do that.

So someone else had to do that. I got back to the hotel, went to get undressed, couldn't figure out how to take off the bow tie, and I'm very drunk as well. So I sleep, and I also sleep naked. So you tied it around your penis? No, no. No, I wish. Is this a weird way of telling me that you tied a tied around your penis? No, no. No, I wish.

Is this a weird way of telling me that you're tied a bow around your cock? No, no, no. Is this a story about auto-erotic asphyxiation? And then I was hanging from the door thinking about Tommy's rented suit. That kick playing, it was real good. Yeah. No, so I took everything off. And like I said, I was very drunk.

I took everything off. So it means that I slept naked except for my bow tie. Nice. So you're a stripper. It's a stripper. So I look like a really bad Chippendale. Like a really cheap one. Sounds weird to say this, but I really am sad that there wasn't a fire in our hotel last night.

Imagine having to be evacuated. Just everyone huddled in the street. But Dilruch Disinger then crashed on the floor of my hotel room as well. So I couldn't get out of it. Why is he doing that? He's not drinking. Why is Dilruch crashing? How is he crashing if he's not drinking?

Because as we talked about last night, he is a massive tight ass. He is a massive tight ass. So he slept on the floor. That was my question too. I heard that. I heard that in the party. You know, you guys giving him grief because he's a tight ass. And I didn't know that.

Yeah. I didn't know that until recently. It's funny when you find it, when you're friends with somebody for a long time. And then one day you say that moment, you go, oh my God. Yeah. You're a tight ass. Yeah. I'm in an interesting one with him now where he currently owes me $4.40 and you can't.

$4.40? What for? What's that? Coffee? Well, booking a bus to Carl's wedding and someone, one person dropped out, which then meant everyone else's cost went up a little bit. You meant $4.40 or $440? $4.40. You're a fucking tyrant.

No, I'm not covering this guy who dropped out. Aren't you guys crowdfunded or something in this podcast? I know you guys are raking it in. Hey, don't put me in this one. I'm not complaining about $4.40. This guy's on TV. He's on multiple TV shows. He's on like multiple TV shows. He's on every TV show.

But this is my point. It's like one person dropped out, so then it's like, hey, sorry guys, everyone just has to chip in a bit more now to cover this person who dropped out. Everyone else goes fine. He'd already paid. And it gets to, you can't chase up $4.40. Do you know what I mean? No, you can't. So why are you talking about it on a podcast?

But if no one does it, then I've just paid for two people's worth of this bus. Why am I wearing it? Because it's $440. No, no, but $440 from everyone, then I'm on the hook for 10 people. Oh, hang on. Holy shit, that's $44. Yeah, I'm doing a podcast. I don't have any fucking money.

$44. I mean, worst case scenario, now I see the economics in it. This has not panned out how I thought it was going to. Notice what I say. I am not behind Tommy Daslo in any way with this conversation. I just want to put it on the record. Two minutes ago I said, you know what it's like when you find out somebody's a tight ass. And now we've just discovered it's you, mate.

Yeah, that was the theory. Now we're in the prac. Now I really wish there'd been a fire in that hotel last night. I suppose. So the end of the story, what I brought up, but the conclusion of all that, my point is I still couldn't, I get up and I was thinking last night, oh, I'm drunk. I can't get the bow tie up because I'm drunk.

I go to bed in the nud. I'm the sleepy Chippendale in bed all night. I get up in the morning. Dilra gets up and leaves because he snores so insanely. I imagine he would. I can just say that Dilra would be a snorer. There's a lot of flesh wobbling around even in his throat. That's how overweight he is.

His throat is fat. Oh, don't be rude, but he is a brown pelican. Let's say this very quickly. When we did your radio show the other day, we get in there and you're kind of like G-ing us up going, guys, this is like the loosest show on radio. It is pretty loose. We go really hard. We have Mooney in here.

We go fucking crazy. We do all this and we're like, great. And then when we're on air, we make a passing joke about Dil being fat and you looked genuinely horrified. Like you looked really shocked by it. Is that the one rule for you? Well, I just made a joke about him being brown, but that's fine. Don't attack his weight.

So he got up, he left, he snored so badly, it was actually insane. There's been a lot of wind in Sydney. I think they cancelled some planes because of Dil snoring last night. Insane. He had a nap. So he left. I then get up and go, oh, fuck, that's right, I'm a Chippendale. Hang on, is he fitting him sleeping on the floor?

Yes. He puts his headphones on and sleeps on the floor. That's my, like, if he needed a place to crash and you're out drinking, then I think it's fair enough to go, well, I'll be blind, I won't care where I, like, but, yeah, I was thinking that this morning when you said on your floor, I'm like, that, like, I just would be in, I wouldn't be able to do that.

But he can have a bed. He can get a bed. To be fair, him lying on the ground looked like he was a bed, though. Hey, no, none of that. Not in front of me. Sorry, sorry. I take that back. I take that back.

I don't like those sort of jokes. You're loose, but not that loose. I get it. So he gets up. He leaves. And then I get up and go, right, I'm sober. I'm sober, chip and dial now. I'll just take this off.

I still could not take it off. So it means I couldn't function. I didn't leave. I couldn't have breakfast. I've only just eaten now. It's like 1 o'clock, 2 o'clock. I couldn't leave the place because I couldn't have a shower. So I ended up giving up and I had a shower with the bow tie on.

Oh, wow. You weren't tempted to get some scissors, like, you know, go to the concierge, get some scissors or something? This is like a clip. It's like a... I could not figure it out. Let me guess, you didn't touch boobs until you were like 30. Yeah.

You just go, oh, God, I just can't. How do you do it? Just go, stop it, you're hurting me, Carl. This is not funny anymore. And you've gone, oh, look, I'll just, you know, too hard. I'll just do panties. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you'd actually had sex, maybe even conceived a child, I don't know.

And then one day you figured out the bra. Yeah, the neck bra. Yeah. And now, well, now the progression, of course, is neck bra, which maybe that's what bras are. They're just purely a training standard to get to neck ties. Yeah. So what have you, have you got it on under there?

Is that the big reveal? No, I had to come and do this. So how'd you get it off? I just tore it off. I ended up tearing it. Is that the big reveal? No. I had to come and do this. So how did you get it off? I just tore it off. I ended up tearing it. I tore the little plastic clip off. Oh, God. Where are you going to find another one of those ties?

Yeah, well, I'll have to go all the way back to Thailand to get another one for two bucks. Surely part of you is going, well, I'm not planning to get married again anytime soon, so I can just get rid of it. I can just destroy this. Well, that's it. That's it. That was the last thought. I'm like, well, how often do I need a bow tie?

Never. Never again. And they're a dumb thing. Like, I've got one, but I never wear it. But I've got one that's it. That's it. That was the last thought. I'm like, well, how often do I need a bow tie? Never. Never again. And they're a dumb thing. Like, I've got one, but I never wear it. But I've got one that's a Hugo Boss one. And I don't even know where I got it from. But, like, why? Why?

Because no one ever comes up to me and goes, oh, Mez, nice bow tie. Yes. Is that a Hugo Boss? Yes. I mean, seriously, I've worn $2 ties. Yeah. And no one has ever, oh, no one ever comments about ties anyway. Yeah.

Yeah. What's the difference between them? They're not bow ties. No one's ever going to comment about bow ties because they're black and they look the same and you can't tell whether or not, and anyone who actually like really ties one off themselves, what are you doing that for? A good $4.40 tie, that's what

you want. See that's good. And here's where you're missing out. Exactly. Think of all the ties I'm missing out on. If Dillrook would pay you the fucking money he owes you, you could have a necktie with that T-shirt right now, but you don't. Dilruch is stopping you from being the formal man you could be. The classy man I deserve to be. Thank you for coming around.

Oh, that's it. I'm with you now. You know, the funny thing is I know, because this podcast at times is a little bit like Levels of Inception, that Dilruch right now is listening to this going, oh! Look, I'm actually going to look around to see if he's not literally behind us. Because he turned up to the Opera House last night. And we were, actually, it's a good discussion.

Oh, no, he is in town. He's supposed to be on the radio show today, but he pulled out for a charity gig, the arsehole. Really? Oh, that's made up. He just didn't want to do it. Yeah, charity gig. You know how much gig, the arsehole. Really? Oh, that's made up. He just didn't want to do it. Yeah, charity gig. You know how much he was charging them. Oh, what?

This guy's just throwing out silver and gold. Yeah, he charges charities for $4.40. Fuck this. He turned up, and I say that looking behind me because he just turned up last night. There was a little bit of planning, I think, with you, but not very much. He just hit up Daz and goes, yeah, that opera house you're doing, you know what, I might just rock up and be on it. And it's like, do we ask for that or not?

Do we ask you? So, yeah, he doesn't mind just inviting himself on. It's like, it's the opera. Should have got him in today. He'd be fantastic here. Because, I mean, we could do all the horribly offensive jokes that we're doing about De Rook, but to his face, which is so much better. And it's a rare opportunity for us to get to do that.

We did, because this is nice for us. Usually we're doing it to his face. We did all that last night. I did a lot of tight ass jokes about him last night, being the newly crowned tightest ass in Australian comedy. Wow. Yeah. So he beat out a few pretenders, but he's now the number one.

Who do you reckon outside in Australian comedy, particularly if you've had on your podcast so people can relate to it, who's a big tight ass in Australian comedy? Well, yeah, this was the whole, so the setup was, yeah, that over half of the comedians invited to your wedding didn't get you a gift. Yeah. Many of whom have high paying commercial radio jobs. Oh, come on.

Name names. Well, the list was all the- Jeezy. The notable, no, no. Jeezy's a tight ass.. Name names. Well, the list was all the- Jusie. The notable- Jusie's a tight ass. Yeah, yeah. Yes, but he was not at the wedding. Wait, have you mentioned-

And right now he's going, oh, come on. Yeah, yeah. Have you talked about the text you got from Jusie when we were in Montreal? Oh, yeah. But I really like Jusie. I think Jusie's amazing. You know that thing where when you meet people that are outside of comedy and they go, oh, what's this guy really like?

Or I don't think this guy's funny and they'll tell you. And if anyone ever says that all those people like Jus and they go, oh, what's this guy really like? Or I don't think this guy's funny. And they'll, they'll tell you. And if anyone ever says, you know, that all those, you know, people like Husey will go, oh, I don't think Husey's funny. I'm always like, he's fucking so funny. Like on stage, he's just a machine. Off stage he's funny as well. Oh yeah, totally.

Totally. But the, the, the very funny quirk of Husey's personality to me and to a lot of people I think is he's still, he's the number one and he's lot of people, I think, is he's the number one and he's still so competitive that I don't think he allows- He doesn't realize he's only competing with himself now. Yes. Do you know what I mean? Yes.

It's him and the son. The rest of us have just gone on with our lives. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's just going, you know who I'm going to smash? Fucking Husey. Yeah, yeah. That's you, mate. Yeah.

I love it too. Yeah. So he's super competitive. That's a great plot of like a film, Hughsey clones himself, so he has someone else to take on. And they're going each other for the same radio gigs. That's great.

Hughsey A and Hughsey B, which one's better? The two shoes. Twozy. And then once he splits off, the clone sort of has a bit of a separate life, so it starts to develop in slightly a different way. So there is a slight difference. And can you imagine how upset he'd get if his wife preferred the other Yuzi?

That would just. Imagine your wife cheating on you with your clone. That's brutal. Right now, Yuzi is doing his head in. He's listening to this and just going, not going to happen. The multiplicity reboot with Yuzi. Multiplicity Yuzi. Yes.

Catchy. Multiplicity reboot with Yuzi. Multiplicit Yuzi. Yes. Catchy. So he, when we were in Montreal, we did the Just Last Festival in Montreal, and I get a text from Yuzi going, oh, what's going on this night? You know, can I pop in, do this gig at one of the gigs that you run or whatever?

And I said, oh, man. And he tried to ring me and I said, look, sorry, I can't reply. I can't pick up. For both of us I'm actually in Montreal at the Just Laughs Festival and his reply was fuck you just let us have this

you've done it like eight times or something you're fine let a shit ass little podcast from Melbourne go overseas it wasn't they weren't thinking

Little Dun Dun Club or Hughesy. Like, we didn't beat you one-on-one. Yeah. Well, I mean, yeah, we did on the show that people will have heard last week. We went through the Melbourne tight arses from Carl's wedding. Who is it, the Sydney tight arses? Or just in media, in famous tight arses. Yeah.

Because we, look, there's a few people. Here's some working professionals. Like, we could name open micers and whatever, and you wouldn't know them, but the most famous names on that list would be, from last night, would be who? Dave O'Neill. Dave O'Neill. A tight ass. Comedy millionaire Dave O'Neill.

Yeah. Nah. I mean, millionaire in like, you know, kind of like in a Frankston kind of million dollar way. Yeah, yeah. Is the dollar worth a different amount than that? Footscray. Footscray.

Sorry. Yeah, yeah. I'll dollar worth a different amount than that? Footscray, sorry. Yeah, yeah, I'll take that. I'll take that. Radio personality and comedian, Limo. Is Limo a tight ass? Well, went to a wedding without a present. Yeah, no. Breakfast radio.

How much? I mean, you know how much you're on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a lot of money. It's a lot of money. Yeah. So much more than you guys. That's why that whole 44040,000, I was like,

are you kidding? I literally, when I go and take a piss, I just throw a $20,000 in the car just so one bloke like you would just pick it up. Oh, I know he's pissed on this, but who cares? You've got those Fabergé egg toilet lollies down in the bottom of the piss trough.

Found $20,000 in the street the other day. So good. I pissed on it. I know. That's what drew me to it. Yeah. Famous tight asses. Who have you got? You know any?

No, not really. I'm a very, I'm quite a generous person. To a fault. If there's one thing that I wish I could probably change, I am too generous. I just am. I think it's because my mum's family are pretty, you know, salt of the earth. They're quite, they're a very poor mining family from Broken Hill.

And so a lot of my mum's family are quite poor. So I didn't really, when I was a kid. The Reinharts? Is that? I do hurt for cash. I do hurt for cash. But I don't know. So I've always kind of grown up around people who are very, very generous.

And I've always said people with the least amount of money usually tend to be the most generous people. And I think if people who don't have money who then get money, like me, cashed up bogans, don't know what to do with it. Not very good with money. So, you know, I don't really like tight arses. Tight arses are actually somebody, I don't like being around them. Right, yeah. It's a tough one. I make jokes about Shusie being tight arses, but I actually think Shusie's a tight arse.

I think Shusie is very, very focused. We know, and it's competitive, and he certainly wouldn't argue that. But, like, he's not the sort of person who's going to try to not pay for a coffee. Yeah. You know what I mean? Those sorts of people. You do wonder, though, although he did open a set at my Thursday comedy club one night by getting up and going, guys, thanks for having me,

but can you believe this? I went to get a lemonade, and they made me pay for it at the bar. They made Hugh's pay for his lemonade. I love it when he talks about himself in the third person, particularly in reference to free lemonade. Yeah, yeah. But then he did that as an opener, like, get it, guys? And everyone's like, why fucking wouldn't you?

We had to pay. You're the only millionaire in the room. Pay for a lemonade. It is the core. He's four of the millionaires in the room. Yeah. But he's very Dassault-like. I reckon that lemonade cost about $4.40, so there you go.

Oh, the European? Fuck, no, that'd be only with a half-priced ticket. You'd be looking at seven bucks for a lemonade in there. Please come along Thursday and Saturday night, guys. European's good. That's a good price. That's a good gig. Good club.

Yeah, I've got a mate at the moment who, because there's that friend who just, you know, you go in on the first jug and then they're like, oh, well, you know, we'll go for rounds and then they just disappear. And I've got a mate who's very guilty of that at the moment. It's just started to dawn on me. But I kind of always want to give people the benefit of the doubt. Like, I never want to think this guy's doing this on purpose, but it's getting pretty close to me having to call it and go, this is fucking deliberate because it's uncanny. When it's deliberate, you sort of go, oh, are you wedging me on this? And you just go, that's the thing I can't handle.

The guy who's always on the inside track where he hasn't gotten the first one and he hasn't gotten the last one, it's like, you've just managed to come out on top here. I can't be around people like that. And like I said, because I'm shit with money. Like I'm just one of those people. I'm just not good with it. So if I, when I see people trying to wedge people like me who have had 20 years of show

business, have earned a lot of money, I think, who the fuck are you to do that to me? Thank you for the $40. What's the most cashed up bogany thing you've ever done? Like when you, when it started kicking off, what did you start doing? All right. This is shameful. Do you want shame? off, what did you start doing? All right. This is shameful. Do you want shame? Fuck yeah.

Do you want shame? Fuck yeah. So Rosso and I used to do this thing, right? So you're American, Rosso, of course. We've got 10-year-old listeners, so some of them mightn't. Okay, fair, cool. All right. So Rosso and I were working at Nova, doing, Russell and I were, um, working at Nova doing

breakfast and we're being paid a fortune and we're doing a TV show as well. And we were, it was very high times anyway. And we were kind of like only maybe like late twenties, early thirties or something like that. And we used to do this thing called a man lunch, right? Which is, uh, on Friday we used to go out and, uh, go to like not an expensive place, but just go to like a, a kind of a restaurant or something like that, like a steakhouse or a pub or something like that. And we'd just do, like, a lockdown where we'd just get our mates around, about 12 of us, and we'd just get hammered. Like, just really quite, you know, gross. Yeah.

Did you have, like, a posse? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, right. And it was a real thing to get invited because we used to, it was not like you just got a walk-up invite. You had to be invited to come. And I was in charge of the invite list. And we used to deliberately fuck with people by inviting them one time

and then not inviting them the next time and watch them sweat. Great. And then know, because they'd know that they'd been talked about at the next one. Oh, great. And people would want to come along. And so sometimes, you know, like. I can't handle this, just hearing about it. Oh, great. And people want to come along. And so, like, sometimes, you know, like. I can't handle this.

Just hearing about it's making me anxious. Oh, yeah. I love it. We still instill anxiety in our friends. Then we tell our friends, just go, oh, this week, Larry Emner's coming. Or, you know, like, it was like we'd invite show business people, and they'd always be great. And then some people would switch in.

And they're the only kind of regulars with Ross on it. Anyway, so. This sort of sounds like a podcast. It's kind of stopping inviting people and then going, why not anymore? It was like a shit fight club. Yeah. So we'd go to like this, like I said, not a fancy place at all, but we'd pay for it. Ross and I would pick up the bill and we'd just go, let's just drink and eat and do what

we want. And we'd go nuts. And then occasionally we'd go and, you know, bet on greyhounds or go to a pub and drink. And then, so talking about excesses, this is embarrassing Bogan work. We would open up a copy of Unique Cars. You know, Bogan magazine. Like, yeah, yeah. Unique Cars.

Were you trying to- Trading posts. Yeah, buy and sell old cars. Like, we'd open up a trading post or Unique Cars, and I shit you not, we would pick out a car and fucking buy it. What? Every week? No, not every week.

Oh, right. But I'm just saying, there was an occasion where we were pissed, and we opened it up, and we went, we should buy that, and we bought something, and we just, what? And this is really bad, right? This makes us sound horrible, because we are horrible human beings, and we deserve it. human beings and we deserve it. But we literally, I remember we got a call from our assistant who rang us like on the Monday and said, um, so how do you want to get the car down from Queensland? And we said, what are you talking about? She said, well, you bought a car.

Great. Nah. And she goes, yeah, you bought a car. And you go, you don't remember? We go, nah, no idea. And we bought a car from Queensland. Oh, great. It was not like $50,000 or anything like that.

But I think it was like, maybe it was like $4,000 or something like that. Great. Fuck. I know, man. That's a lot of money to just not even remember. Yeah. That's like a thousand bow ties. Yeah.

So you and your $4.40. Imagine that a thousand times. You're right. I take your Yeah, so you and your $4.40. Imagine that 1,000 times. You're right. I take your point. I do need that $4.40 back. Because Leyland P76, we bought two Leyland P76s when we were pissed. Great, great. We bought a van when we were pissed.

And so what? These cars come down, and then what are you doing with them? Were you happy when they invented the booty call instead of buying cars when you're pissed? Seriously? Why didn't we just go to the strip? What idiots? So that's an embarrassing form of excess. It's pretty great.

It was a different time. It was a different era. It's great when you go, this is a shameful story, and I go, this is going to be fucking filth. Here we go. And then it's, oh, we bought a car. I'm like, yeah, that is worse. You know what I mean?

It is. I'm ashamed. Because now the modern version is. Don't give Bogan's money. Don't give us money because we don't know what to do with it. The modern version, I think, is getting blind and then waking up the next day and going through the iTunes receipts and just all the fucking late night anthems you've gone and purchased that are just sitting in your library now forever.

But it's cheap. They're $2.19 a pop, so the stakes are way lower. They're not going to add up to $4,000. Speaking about you spending money, right. So this is something I've always been interested in, actually. Now I get to ask you. So when we were in Montreal, going back to that, we met David Baddiel. Well, I met David Baddiel.

Oh, yeah, yeah. So I was a big fan of him. I like how I just got cut out of that story. Oh, well, did you? I don't want you getting credit for having met him. Well, did you meet him? No, I didn't like how I just got cut out of that story. Oh, well, did you? I don't want you getting credit for having met him. Well, did you meet him? No, I didn't. Well, get the fuck out of the story.

I love it, though, just correcting yourself. Like, hang on, I can't stand the idea of people thinking that this guy is involved in this in any way. Hang on a second. Hands up in this room if you've met David Baddiel. Keep your hands down, Tommy. Fuck. Hands up if Dilraba goes, you thought I was funny. Yeah, I'm back.

So I met him over in Edinburgh because, not Edinburgh, fuck, in Montreal. Sorry, I got thrown. That was where you met him. So he was part of, him and Frank Skinner did the fantasy football, and then they did a show that you and Rosso bought the franchise of. Unplanned, yeah. Unplanned, right. Yeah, which we did three seasons of on Channel 9.

Yeah, now this is something I was always interested in because the format of Unplanned is we go out and do a show with absolutely no scripting, no performance, no plan at all. And you paid for that idea? Yeah. How do you pay when the idea is we do no planning? I think we paid them for an idea and then there was like some kind of loose structures to it, right, for the unplanned thing and we discarded those.

So we actually bought fuck all and then used none of that. No, seriously. We literally said that. I think we have just literally bought the name and I saw David Baddiel in London. I think we might have been Series 3 by that stage. And I kind of said to him, I said, I think that we've just literally bought the title of your name. He goes, yeah, you guys have changed it so much. Because we've got like a whiteboard and this guy who does this thing.

And we go, yeah, we don't do any of that. Yeah, yeah. So what do you do? We go, we just sit on couches. Yeah. That's it. And just talk to people in the audience. Is that it? And I go, yep. Great. He goes, it works? And I go, yeah, we don't do any of that. Yeah, yeah. So what do you do? We go, we just sit on couches. Yeah. That's it. And just talk to people in the audience. Is that it?

And they go, yep. Great. And he goes, it works? And I go, yeah, it works, right? Yeah, and you thought the used cars from Queensland were a waste of money. That's way worse. How blind were you when you signed this thing? They used to get blind and then turn the TV on and go, we'll buy that one.

We'll buy that show. Sure, we can do Knight Rider. We can do that. Takeshi's Castle. Let's get it over here. We nearly did that. Really? Oh, yeah, we nearly did that. Man, Takeshi's Castle is the best. There's a conversation about doing a Japanese game show. Sure, we can do Knight Rider. We can do that. Takeshi's Castle. Let's get it over here. We nearly did that. Really? Oh, yeah, we nearly did that.

Man, Takeshi's Castle is the best. That was the conversation about doing a Japanese game show. Yeah, look, it was a different time. And also, too, when you're young and you're – Russell and I, we were very, very poor. You know what it's like when you're starting out as a comedian. Well, you know directly right now. But, you know, when you're starting out uh you don't

have any money and you're on the dole and you do it tough and then all of a sudden you know if you do pick up a commercial contract or something all of a sudden you've got more money than you've known before and you go from zero to hero very quickly and as a result you do lose your tiny mind a little bit and there's a there's a period there and then you know life levels you out a little bit and you have ups and you have downs and then then you kind of go, oh, I can be a regularly human being now, not just the douchebag. And it kind of levels you out. But you do have those moments. And the funny thing is, as much as I'm ashamed of some of that stuff, it makes for good stories.

Yeah. Totally. Yeah. You know, buying cars when you're pissed. I can't tell you how much I'd love to be able to do that now. Having said that, last year when I was pissed, I bought a motorcycle in South Australia. He's back on his bullshit.

He's back. He's back being a wanker again. Literally went on Gumtree. Again, literally was at home drinking on my own because that's what you do when you win. Woke up the next day, looked at Gumtree and went, oh, I didn't, did I? Great. I bought a motorcycle, an ex-cop bike, a 1981 Honda CB750 from a place called Munta, which is exactly how it sounds.

I'm just picturing your backyard looks like the scrapyard that they crash land into in Conair. Just like husks of vehicles everywhere that you've brought over the years. And this thing has just cost me so much money and is currently not on the road. I love the idea that you've bought all this through Amazon. All these stupid purposes are all through the one account. So then it comes up. You may be interested in, oh, fucking who knows? Who knows what you're interested in now?

Oh, that's great. Start an Amazon wish list. This used car, this used car. You know what they should have? A site for like a phony site for pissed bogans. Yes. So they can go to it and you're like, I need to buy a fucking motorbike.

Yeah. And then you wake up the next day and go, sorry, cancelled. And you go, oh, thank God. Yeah, something like the trackpad on the laptop. It can like sense the toxins coming out of your skin. Oh, that's. Yeah, something like the trackpad on the laptop. It can sense the toxins coming out of your skin, and it just brings up this whole other computer that you can only access. Yeah, you need Net Nanny, but not for porn. Yeah, for motorbikes.

So do you have a motorbike license? No. Love it. Great, great. I do, yeah, I do. I've got two motorbikes at the moment. I nearly bought a third one, but then I've just got to calm down. I used to have like two or three cars. You'd strike me as a guy who would have, Two motorbikes at the moment. I nearly bought a third one, but then I just went, I've just got to calm down.

I used to have like two or three cars. You'd strike me as a guy who would have, you would have, I reckon you've come close to a jet ski many times. So close. Yeah. Last year, I nearly got a Sea-Doo. I was so excited. I went for a ride on a Sea-Doo and I went, go the extra Bogan, man. You know you want to.

Be water Bogan. Be a man of Bogans. Be a Bogan fish. Oh, it's so Aquaman of bogans. Be a bogan fish. Oh, it's so bad. You love it. Those things fly, man. They're so good. What's the sea do?

Is the sea do the one where you've got the thing on your back? No, it's like a motorbike on water. But there's like jet skis and there's sea do's. Right. And sea do's are wicked fast. I mean, I'm talking topping out at 100 k's on water. Yeah, I spent a day jet skiing when we were in Koh Samui, and I was like, yeah, I get it.

I get the bogan. Like, yeah, if I had a huge dump of money tomorrow, this would be pretty hard to talk myself out of. I feel a bit ashamed. I've been to Thailand like eight times, nine times. I've never been on a jet ski. How do you get on a prostitute and not a jet ski? How do you go prostitute, prostitute, get on a prostitute and not a jet ski? How do you go

prostitute, prostitute, prostitute, prostitute and no jet ski? Ride the jet ski first. I mean, to be fair, the jet ski is a lot safer. When you get to the airport, you do have to pick one. There's a guy standing there. He's got one on each arm. Excuse me, sir. What would you like to ride? Oh, no. I'm thinking not

eight. Oh, no. Oh, no. You're damning me. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, what? You guys are condemning me? Let's get back to Dilruch is fat. Oh, wow. Oh, look how I brought it down. Yeah.

Oh, sorry, everyone. Sorry, everyone. We have a lot of ladies of the night to listen to this show, so we don't want to, you know. Maybe. Maybe we do. I don't know. Hey, numbers-wise, it's a pretty good chance.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, we're always interested in hearing what we do. I don't know. Hey, numbers wise, it's a pretty good chance. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, we're always interested in hearing what people do. Do we have any brain surgeons? Do we have any ladies of the night? Do we have any- The only people we want to hear from, brain surgeons or sex workers? Yeah, no one in between.

I like how you've categorized the two genders there though, Carl. So, oh, men, you can be a brain surgeon. Oh, but ladies, you can only be hookers. No, I was actually thinking in my head the other way around, actually. I want to know about male prostitutes. What you were cosplaying as last night when you went to sleep. Yes, exactly.

Now, you've been wearing the wedding ring since the wedding. Great way of letting me know that you're off the market, because I am constantly trying to fuck you. Now, I've got to say, I wouldn't have picked you as a ring guy. It's a bit on and off at the moment because I think people, I mean, do you wear one, Mary? Yes.

I have never worn jewellery before, so I don't like wearing it. It feels weird. And Josh Earl, friend of the show, told me that, again, not us, just me, that you're going to be playing with it. You sure I wasn't there? No, I distinctly remember looking. No, it was in Montreal.

Yeah. So this little lunch that you had with Badil and Joshua. Yeah, it was in a cone of silence. I remember now. You invited me to the last one. I didn't get invited to this one and now I'm freaking out about it. Yeah, well, we bought a fucking truck and then we started talking about wedding rings. So, and he said, you're going to play with it for like three weeks,

four weeks, something like that. And I'm constantly doing it now, and I'm not, yeah, I'm not. And to be honest, you saying, oh, I didn't strike you as someone who would wear one, I didn't know I had an option. I thought you just have to wear one. No, people, Jed, there's a lot of people that just kind of don't. Well, Hugh's has got a little tattoo on his ring finger, but I think he's got-

Must have been cheaper. Hughes has got a little tattoo on his ring finger. But I think he's got- Must have been cheaper. But no, I think I saw him a couple of weeks ago, and I think he had- I noticed at the time, because I know that he's got a tattoo on his ring finger, but on his other hand, he did have a band.

So I don't know what the deal is with that. But I remember him when he got married. I don't think he had a wedding band there. Actually, that reminds me. Do you know why it's on the left finger? No. Why do you wear the wedding band there and not somewhere else? Absolutely no idea.

Because in your hands, that is the only place where the vein runs directly through your arteries to your heart. Wow. To your heart. I did not know that. That's why it's on that finger. Well, that's funny you say that because- I know a lot of fingering stuff.

Oh, that came out wrong. That came out wrong. Deliberately wrong. So when at the wedding and the ceremony, I don't know if you noticed this, Tommy, but because you were at this thing that I'm about to talk about. The wedding? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I was there. Yeah, yeah, you were there. So as my now wife put the ring on my finger, she put it on the wrong hand. She put it on the right hand rather than the left hand. And as she did that, I looked around and my mum's sitting in the front row and just goes, wrong hand. Which is something you've heard a few times, even from yourself. Strange of your wife to get it wrong. She's had a long time to practice that action.

I know. That's crazy. I know. She obviously, you know, had it flipped around in her dreams. She would have been nervous as well, you know, and you're not really like looking, you know, you're not thinking about. Yeah, totally. You know. But the weird. Left're not thinking about. Yeah, totally. You know, but the weird thing was though that she put it on the wrong hand, but I've sort

of like broken a knuckle on that other finger. And so she put it on that one. And didn't come off. And I couldn't get it off for like half a day. Wow. Yeah. So did you leave it on when she put it on? You didn't correct her and say, uh-uh.

No, no. Because I thought. Why not? But that's been the ceremony. You didn't take it off and put it and say, uh-oh. No, no. Why not? In the ceremony, you didn't take it off and put it on your left hand and go, why not? Because I thought that would make it look like there was a very obvious mistake. There was a very obvious mistake. I know. Somebody in the front yelled out

wrong hand. Now this is his 440 where he thinks it's fine and it turns out it's not. So I got stuck on the wrong fingers. To be honest, I don't know if this marriage is legal. I could be still a free man. God. Well, what it means is that when she put it on your right hand,

because it's not connected to your heart, the one on the right hand, that finger there. Is this just an elaborate thing for you to give us the finger? That's what it looks like you're doing. What I'm doing is I'm letting it go as if it's scientific again, because I've proven one fact. So therefore now you to give us the finger. That's what it looks like you're doing. What I'm doing is I'm leading up as if it's scientific again because I've proven one fact. So therefore now you're in a belief system. So the belief cycle then leads you to believe.

So when I say, oh, the right finger is actually connected to your anus. Oh, yes. That's good. Belief cycle. That's great. Oh, man. Give them a truth and then give them a lie. So is that like the right hand that's putting it on that means

I'm down for anal tonight? That's what it is. Oh, right. Fuck, I wasted that night. See, this is interesting, all this behavioural stuff, all these subtle clues that we give off with our body language and how we behave. It's the difference between us and the animals.

That's what it is. Do you want to talk at all about the day? Because there were some things that I think listeners might find interesting, including your service being heckled by a friend of ours. Was the service? Oh, yes. So you haven't done any record. You haven't recorded a podcast about your wedding.

No. We, last night, we talked about the gifts, but that was kind of it. But we haven't talked about the ceremony or anything like that. Whereabouts did you get married? Out in the, what's it called, the Yarra Valley? Do you call it that? Yarra Valley, yeah. That's what it's called.

That's what it's called. Well, that's why I asked. Yeah, let's call it that. Yarra Valley, is that what you call it? No, we call it Doug. Yeah. I was out in Doug. Yeah, so it was out in the countryside.

It was in a very nice restaurant slash reception centre. So I organised a little mini bus because it was about an hour out of the city It was in a very nice restaurant slash reception centre. So I organised a little mini bus because it was about an hour out of the city to take up. Here we go with the 440. Now hear me out. Hear me out, okay. Did you actually organise it or was this just a normal bus that you were taking the tokens for? I was trying to profit off this thing, to be honest. It was a courtesy bus from the venue.

I was trying to profit off this thing, to be honest. It was. It was a courtesy bus from the venue. It was one of those buses that's on a rail and it makes a dinging sound. It had Crown Casino right on the side of it. But in the bus, it was, who was in there from the people that would know from the show? Josh Earl, Nick Cody, Dilruk, Xavier Michaelides, Nick Capa. So a big group, like 10 of us all up.

Plus partners. Yes, plus partners and stuff. So we're driving up and we're all delighting in the fact that we're on our way to seeing Carl Chandler being sincere and we're speculating about, like I kind of was like, this is going to be very funny seeing him, seeing Carl be sincere. But then I started thinking, fuck, I don't know his girlfriend's dad at all. What if the dad gets up and just fucking roasts him in the speech? Like, what if the dad's, what if the father of the bride has, like,

a real mongrel in him? Like, we could see something. And so we're speculating and we're going, oh, yeah, fucking, Carl will be up there after the service fucking rattling the bucket like he does at Spleen, just being, like, just going so hard. And then the lady driving the bus, bus, after about 15 minutes of this, she can't help herself. She has to turn around and go, so this groom, he's a friend of yours?

Yeah, yeah, very dear friend. Yeah, we love him. You've just been brutal about him for 15, like why are you all going to this thing? It sounds like you hate this guy. Yeah, but that's Australian. Have we forgotten what country we're in? Jesus, if somebody's not in the room, fair game.

Totally. Particularly if you're not on, I think everything becomes concentrated on a minibus, your behaviour. Don't you reckon? It's a little island. Some of the loosest shit I've done in my life has been on a coaster bus. I get on a coaster bus. You're on a bus buying another bus.

That's insensitive. I got to say, yeah, we got off the bus at the wedding venue and I was like, this wedding has a lot to live up to now because that was a ripper bus trip. Man, I love a coaster bus trip. If you can drink on a coaster bus, you are guaranteed to have a good time. I think it's something about it. It just magnifies the funny. And whoever's not in that bus is such fair game,

it gets really loose really quick. We went on a footy trip slash soccer. We used to play soccer for Dalesford. And we went for our end-of-season trip to Phillip Island. What a trip. That's unusual for a footy team to go to Phillip Island. What a trip. That's unusual for a footy team to go to Phillip Island. Yeah, yeah.

We were the first. This is a while back. We invented it. It's a budget. Yeah, yeah. It's pretty sweet. How much did it cost to get there? $440?

This is a while back. It was $430. Something about that number sounds familiar. So on the way back, so we had our footy trip and then then on the way back we were on a little bus full of 25 players. As soon as we got on the bus, I reckon we got five minutes out of Phillip Island. We had a three-hour, four-hour trip to go. The youngest member of the team says, hey, you know that thing when you taste your own cum? What?

And then the rest of the bus just stood up and said, thank you. Right. Wow. I will say. There's a week in that. That's not going to get tired. We went back to Dalesford and then back to Phillip Island again and then back to Dalesford again to get all the content out.

I've got a lot of respect for this young man because you really have to have guts to whip out it. Don't you hate it. Unless you're absolutely certain. He was not certain. It came out and he went uh oh. Oh man. It kind of just shot out of him and just went everywhere.

Just sprayed out and it was all over the place and by that stage you couldn't clean it up. And you're all like, this is so weird because like pre-cum's the one that you taste, right? Yeah. That's what's weird about what he said. Guys?

Totally. Guys? Guys. All right. Merrick, clear your show. Clear your show later on. We've got a lot to talk about. 1-2-3-5-3.

Get your call. Have you ever tasted your own pre-cum? What do you taste? Have you ever tasted Tommy's cum? Call in. I like the idea that it's. And you guys beg me after up for the age, in Thailand? And you do pre-cum?

That's great. I love the idea that your phone-in topic isn't, what have you tasted? It's just, have you ever tasted your own cum? And people are just literally calling in to go yes or no. Great topic. Now, look, I don't have a radio in my car. My radio's busted, so I actually don't hear much radio. Yeah, okay, sure.

No, it is. It literally is. I'm just so... Look, Tommy will back me up here in my laziness to my car in that he and a lot of friends bought me personalized number plates a year ago. I still haven't put them on. Wow. The central locking in my car has been broken for 10 years.

You cannot get into my car unless you unlock the boot I haven't fixed that yet So the radio is The broken radio is one of the high points of my car I think I bought your car from Cleveland I've been drinking That's all we could go out for beers after this Make him an offer

This sounds like the sort of piece of shit I would buy Sounds like the sort of thing I could afford if I had that 440. So I don't listen to much radio, but I was in my wife's, fuck, it still feels weird to say that. So I was in her car the other night and she was flicking around the dials and there was a, I started listening to a bit of commercial FM, which I hadn't, haven't listened to for years, but what I haven't heard of phone in topic for a long time, but this struck my fancy.

I won't say who gave out the topic, but this was the topic. The guy sets it up by saying, look, you know, that thing when you're driving along in traffic and you see someone driving past you and you look at them and you go, they're a bit of all right. Here's the phone topic. Have you ever pulled over and fuck someone that was in the car next to you driving down the highway? Like, how many times is that happening?

And then tasted your own cum on the driveway. We've got one caller. It's Glenn from Dales. It was Matthew, but anyway. I don't know names. I don't know names. I don't know names. Fuck. That's niche.

Yeah, did you stick around to hear the- No, because his partner on air even went, yeah, I don't reckon this is a good one. So was this- No, that's too niche. What was his- because usually there's an anecdote that leads into it. Was it literally just him going, I was driving here and saw someone hot and went, wouldn't mind fucking that. I think he just got a boner in the

Commodore on the way and thought, oh, we could talk about this. That's weird. That is, yeah, but you're right. So I'm glad that you're the professional. You know you're not going to get a call off that. But sometimes, you know, it's really, really good to play hype and niche. It's a good game to play, particularly if you've got a good responsive following

on radio. It's the difference between having an audience and just talking into a stick, right? Yeah. If you've got an engaged audience that likes your show, likes the, and gets what you do, you can go pretty hyper niche. Some of the stuff I've said on my show, if you were to try it on another show,

on another network, no chance. Dead in the water. Like literally stuff like, what have you tasted? I've literally done that in the last three weeks. Just what have you tasted? And you just get crazy stuff. So you can get, and people ring up and say, oh, I've tasted Cobra Venom. Shit like that.

Oh, really? Yeah, man. But they're a fairly engaged audience, my own. They're with it. They get it and they want to be a part of it. So you can get that. And when you know that you've got that, you can play those high risk kind of talkbacks. But you know, on other formats, I would be very, very hesitant.

This is what I've always wanted to do. If I had a radio show, I would do, you know, they've got the secret sound. I want to do the secret smell. People ring in, say, what am I smelling right now? Russell and I once played I Spy on radio. Oh, nice. Not even joking. Nice.

I said, I spy with my little eye and what am I looking at, right? And people would ring in. We were broadcasting from Pyrmont and somebody said, are you looking at the high mix concrete factory? And I went, shit a bit. I said, how did you guess it goes? Because it's the biggest thing closest to your studio. You have nailed it.

I don't know if I've mentioned this on the show before, but a friend of the show, Luke McGregor, invented a game a while ago that he talked us through one night at the Comedy Festival. It was us and about ten of us, and the game is it's a shit game, but it's like if everyone commits to it, it's the most fun. So the game is you have a newspaper that you pass around. So I have the newspaper and I just look.

Don't you mean biscuit? Because I've heard this and Luke, Luke, I don't care what you do in Tassie, mate. Don't bring you to the main line. And also Luke, you didn't invent this, okay? Private school student. And weird of you to want to put your name to it.

Here's the thing I never understood about that biscuit thing. Why would you wait to the end to lose? Do you know what I mean? Like if you go, oh, if you're the last one, why would you, with Soggy Biscuit, why would you wait? Why would you just go, oh, you know, like then you complete it? Like it hasn't got enough. Yeah, that's the thing wrong with that game.

Yeah, yeah. I do not understand what you're saying because there's so much else to just get through in my brain with that. Luke's game. So Luke McGregor's Soggy Biscuit, as he insists it be called. Give it its correct branding. So yeah, the game is, I have a newspaper

and I just open it to a page and I look down at it and I just pick a word in my head. And then we go around the circle and everyone else has to just guess what word I've looked at. It's shit ass. It's barely a game. On paper. Yeah, but if everyone commits to it and if everyone treats it like it's the biggest sporting event you've ever been at, it's incredible.

Okay. I've got a copy. It's a few days old. Yep. Of the Daily Telegraph. All right. I'm looking at the front page. Yep.

And I'm going to pick a word. Okay. Muslim. I'm looking at the front page and I'm going to pick a word. Muslim. Strangely, there's nothing about it. I'm going to pick a word and it is, yes, I've got one. No, now I just have to guess. So you don't look at the page.

No, that would be giving us a big clue. Oh my God, this game is shit. Okay. Begin. Okay, I'll give you, no, it's not begin. I'll give you a clue. This game is shit. Okay. Go. Begin. Okay. No, it's not begin. Okay. I'll give you a clue.

It's very Sydney. Oh, okay. Harbour. No. Car. No. Bridge. No.

The way it's meant to work. It's very Sydney. Okay. Pick one. No, okay. We'll both have a guess, and then you tell us what it is. Okay, go. Okay.

So. I'll give you one more clue. Go. But do you have a guess? I'll have a guess. You have a guess and then you tell us. These rules are so complicated. We should be writing this down.

Hang on. When do I eat the biscuit? Okay. I'll guess. I'll guess. Carl guess. And then you tell us. And then you say what it is.

But don't tell us if we were right or wrong. Okay. Traffic. Ooh. Chaos. Incorrect. What is it? I'll give you a clue.

It's what Melbourne wished about Sydney it had more of. The only thing. Culture. No. No. The only thing that Melbourne would love more of that Sydney has. Sun. Oh.

Weather. No. Close, but not. Beach. No, keep going. Warm, sun. Melbourne doesn't want anything from Sydney, yeah? Melbourne doesn't want anything from Sydney, except for weather.

So it's not weather. Okay. It's not beaches. Okay. But it's one other thing that Melbourne we should have had more of that you've got a lot more of in Sydney. What is it? What is it?

Think. Come on, boys. I'm trying. You work in show business. I'm trying.. What is it? What is it? Think. Come on, boys. I'm trying. You work in show business. I'm trying. Oh, hang on. Oh, money? No.

The other thing in show business is not money. There is nothing else. You idiots. Famous. Cocaine. Oh. Cocaine. You've changed the rules of the game.

Luke McGregor would not stand for this. I can't believe we just had a conversation about it. Like, even if it was a conversation that I just had in my office with my mates that was not being recorded, I'd say that's a pretty daft conversation. And then you just record it and people are listening to this. I'd edit that out. That was fine to be in.

I imagine it was infuriating to listen to. Oh, it'd be awful. People love game shows. But we played this for an hour, and I maintained if someone gets it, because basically it's like you sort of go, you know, you'd pick the word, I'd go bridge, you'd go traffic, and then you'd go sunshine, and we'd go, oh, sunshine, as if we were that close to guessing that.

So we did it for an hour and someone got it. Like in the last round, someone guessed it correctly. And I've never felt such elation. It was the most spectacular moment to be a part of. Man, they're really bored in Tazia. Like if you have to come up with a game, guess a word that I've looked at recently. But it's the commitment.

You've got to commit. We played an hour game one night of a bunch of us where the game was. And again, it sounded like the worst game of all time, but it ended up being the best game of all time. If everyone gets in, and it was, I went to Chadston Shopping Centre today. What did I buy? That's amazing.

And at the start, everyone was like, oh, what a shit game. By the end, it's like, oh, fuck, we're so close now. Yeah, have a crack. What do you reckon? I still remember what you bought. Yeah, I know you do. Board shorts. we're so close now. Yeah, have a crack. What do you reckon? I still remember what you bought. Yeah, I know you do. Board shorts.

No. No. It went for an hour, and there were slight clues to the game. Anyway, in the end, it was a great object. No, I like this game. Do it. Let's keep going. Give me a clue.

Let's turn the podcast into a games podcast. What did you buy from Chatswood, the podcast? Yeah, yeah. All right, you can play it now. All right, I'll give you a clue. So, all right, I bought something. Do you want to start a new, what was the last, because I know the answer to this. No, but you don't have to join in.

It can be just. How do you know the answer? Oh, okay, yeah. He was part of the great game. Yeah. Yeah, well, you can play now. Go. We'll pick the same object, because I think it's a very good object.

Okay, all right. What did you buy from Chatswood? Chadston. Chatswood. Chadston. Chadston. Chadston Shopping Centre. So, how do we start?

Like you ask questions? I think you were able to ask like what store it was, right? Is it something you can wear? It was a yes and no thing. Is it something you can wear? No. Is it a candle? No.

Is it a bath bomb? No. It says a lot about how I'm guessing your personality type though, doesn't it? I just imagine you bed, bath and table. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you just going to go store by store, name everything in one store, then move on to the next store? He's got a catalogue out in front of him.

This game is awful. Three-year-old socks. No. Yep. No. Was it something you could eat? No. Was it something you could eat? No. Was it something you can read?

Yes. It's a book. Yes. Go on. You bought from Angus and Robertson. No. Ooh. What book?

Oh, that is ridiculous. No. Now we are getting ridiculous. Harry Potter. No. Oh, come on. Give me the author. No. Oh, come on. Give me the author. No.

No? Give him a clue about the realm that the author operates in. Is it Stan Grant's Talking to My Country? No. Well, then you're an arsehole. It's an excellent read. It says a lot about you as a person. You haven't read that.

I bought that the day before. That was a different game. It says a lot about you as a person You haven't read that I bought that the day before That was a different game That was a different game Okay Just you've got to give him the answer Oh okay alright I feel like we're not doing A podcast? Yes

Anything good? Yeah correct I feel like We're not doing just as the original game It seems so fun now It's like oh I don't even know what the game is. But I can't be invested because I know what it is.

If it was something I didn't know, I could get in there. It was an hour game where the answer was, I bought Hillary Clinton's autobiography. Oh, my God. Why would you do that to yourself? And then I think someone new came along and it was like, let's play it again. What, with the same object? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, same. Why did you buy that book? I think, well, I know. I, with the same object? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, same. Why did you buy that book? I think, well, I know. I bought it for my girlfriend. Yeah. Okay. She just wanted a book to read in Thailand, which she took along and did not read. No, I wouldn't read that either.

And it's still sitting on the bookshelf. You can take that anywhere and I don't know if I'd read that. Yeah. I don't care about Hillary Clinton. You don't want to be relaxing by the- It's not relaxing. No. You know what?

It may not have been read, but it did give birth to one of the world's greatest games. Yeah. So you've got to give it that. So it's been not replicated here today. Yes. Amazing. It's good. Any more games?

I can't think of any games as good as the ones we've played just then. No, but it's pretty amazing. I'd love to start playing shit games on this podcast. Listeners want to recommend shit games to play with our guests. I always feel like by doing a show where we're just talking shit the whole time and to not have any little arms, like when we do the live show, we do like Rad Dad, the radio serial,

we have little bits and pieces. On a normal show, it'd be nice to have like a little segment. So let's think of the shittiest game show segment from now on. Yeah. Well, should I close out? Should I read the email thing I was going to do last night that I never got around to?

I don't know what the email thing is. From my parents. Oh, fuck yeah. Yeah. Well, recently my parents went overseas and they did not get roaming put on their phone. They never take their laptop with them so they don't know how to get on any kind of Wi-Fi. And they're very, like, I'm an only child and they're very, like, they just clearly

freaked out about not being able to get in touch with me in any way. Like, they just clearly freaked out about not being able to get in touch with me in any way. So how did they, but then I think they must have gone, how did they get onto you? Yeah, then we were at LA airport, New York airport. We were in LA. LA airport. Yeah. And they start ringing me.

Yeah. So they could ring. I don't know. I don't know. But anyway, the point was, for whatever reason. This is as good as the game show. At least as good. This is the game. Where were my parents?

So yeah, for whatever reason, they couldn't get on to me because I get an email from the manager of the hotel that they were staying at in Singapore from his personal account. So clearly they've gone. We've got no way of getting through to him. So they've had to go to the manager and beg him and go, can we write this message for you and can you send it to this address? Oh, God, this is sad. Yeah, I know. So I just get this message that's like, yeah, Sofitel Singapore manager,

like just all this stuff in the title and whatever, and it's like got all this signature and it's just like, it literally just says, hi, Tom, everything's great with us. Heading home tomorrow. Love, Mum and Dad. Oh, thanks. No need. Absolutely no need for it.

So what I wrote back was, is this some kind of sick prank? My parents died five years ago. Are you kidding? Are you kidding? Because your parents aren't going to get that email. The guy at the desk is going to get that email. Yeah, that's the point. So I get it when I'm with Carl and I'm laughing and I'm going,

imagine if I wrote this back and I'm like, fuck, I kind of want to do it to see what happens. And you make the very good point, leave it a few days until you know that your parents have definitely gone. Because if I send it straight away, then the next day they're in the lobby and the manager's there going, oi. Why aren't you dead? Yeah.

Small child, how is he dead? Someone stole your passport. Which I kind of wish I had done because at least that way if mum and dad had gotten in trouble there would have been an end to this story because there's not. I wrote that a few days later and I never got anything back. No. So this this fucking maniac

has just gotten that this wild accusation and he's just left it there just hasn't followed up in any capacity He's done a smart thing. If you don't have an answer don't try to create one Just walk away and go down Who wants a Singapore sling?

I like to think that he has immediately quit his job to go and look to chase these people down. That's his mission. Yes. To chase these fraud, Mr. and Mrs. Allsops down. That's very, very good. He's now on the run for the rest of his life to hunt them down. Oh, wow.

Does that make me a bad person? I did it for the content. You don't understand that. Yeah, I get that. This was my used car. I think sometimes you need to be a dickhead just for content. Yeah, totally. All the time.

I make a lot of those decisions where I just go, oh, this is a really dickhead douche move, but later, that's content. Absolutely. Exactly. Absolutely. Let's get pissed and buy a motorbike. Yeah. I was very proud of you, Tommy, because when you brought that up and then you said that

idea, I was like, you should please definitely do it. And then you went, oh, I don't want to do it, but I better do it. Yeah. Well, that was good. Maybe one day I'll hear back from him, you know? I hope so. I think you should. Maybe the perfect reply would be, the manager of this hotel died 10 years ago.

I think you're emailing. And we just go back and forth. And then I write back and go, Tommy Dasolo passed away 25 years ago. So we just ricochet forever. My grandfather died 38 years ago. I don't even know what you're using. Email died 20 years ago. No one's used email for 20 years.

We're in the apocalypse, bro. Singapore's been dead for a thousand years. All right. Well, we'd better wrap it up there for another episode of The Little Dumb Dumb Club. We're in the apocalypse, bro. Singapore's been dead for a thousand years. All right. Well, we'd better wrap it up there for another episode of The Little Dumb Dumb Club. Merrick Watts, thank you so much for joining us. Absolute pleasure. Thank you very much for having me on.

I enjoy the podcast. It's good to be on it. So now can you hear me? Yeah, we'll see you in another 360. Looking forward to it. People can listen. Merrickville is podcasted every week. Yeah?

Surely. No, I don't know. In this day and age, come on. I don't listen to podcasts or radio. Yeah. You just do them. Well, we've got all our stuff on sale. We've got a Melbourne show coming up, so go to the big Melbourne show October 21st.

Yeah, Perth, Canberra, littledumbdumbclub.com for all those details and merch and stuff. Don't be one of those people that when we're in your town, we hear from you on social media, you go, oh, how did I look over the fact that you've been plugging the fucking Opera House

gig for the last six months? Yeah, or like someone who commented on our page about last night's gig going, I thought this was during the day for some reason. Yeah. That's the sort of time slot we're after. 12 midday on a Thursday in Sydney. Hey, I know what, hey, no need to speculate. I know what the reason is.

You're a dumb cunt. How much are tickets? How much cunt. How much are tickets? How much were tickets? How much are tickets? To what? To go to yesterday's gig for you free. No, they're $4.40. Boom.

That's the service fee. That's the thing we said before. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. And we are back. Oh, fuck. That was fun. It was fun. That was a, fuck. That was fun. It was fun.

That was a fun episode. That was very fun. And, you know, sometimes we worry a little bit about having only one guest on the show. We think, oh, it's not quite the same as, you know, a normal thing. You worry. I disagree. I love it. Oh, you love it?

Yeah, I love it. I like just doing one guest. Oh, okay. All right. I feel like the feedback from the from the listeners is like oh only one guest we're not getting value for our nothing but um and you know you've got more people to more ideas more you know things to play around with two guests but this was you know we're in very safe hands we've got a guest as experienced as merrick watts and it's funny so yeah we're all

fine and one of the benefits of doing these kind of patreon rates at the end of the show which means we record them long after the episode has been done. It gives us licence to do a bit of corrections corner. Dilrook has paid me back the $4.40 that I go on and on about in this episode. Has he? And he rounded it up to five. Oh, so now you're… I've been caught with my pants around my ankles here.

You're in his debt now. If he gave you $5. Oh, so he did that to me to get me to lend him, to give him 60 cents? Yeah. Oh, that's not bad. He's 60 cents up on you now. No, I'll give him 70, so then he's got to give me back 10. All right, so then you get back on the show and have to bitch about the 10 cents he owes you.

Because, you know, we talked about, actually years ago, I think on a very old live Adelaide episode about how he keeps like a PowerPoint spreadsheet about what he owes. PowerPoint. Oh, whatever, I don't know. I don't use any of that stuff. The amount of money that he owes

comes flying into the screen from the right-hand side. It's the sound of a chicken and glass breaking as all the numbers come in. Yeah, and it could be done a lot better than what it is, but yeah. So, anyway. So, any other questions from that episode no just just you've been he's no longer in debt to you he's no longer in debt to me yeah yeah and i

knew i knew he would come good i was hamming it up for the sake of comedy right let's say that oh okay which i don't think merrick fully understood right i think merrick now thinks that i am the tightest person in the world that went past me me as well, to be fair. You don't understand most things, so I expected a view. But he's a Switched On successful guy. He should know better. All right. Speaking of Switched On people, we need to thank a number of people who subscribe to us on Patreon

and keep this show in luxury, would you say? You're wearing what appears to be a new leather jacket, which I can only imagine is the proceeds of this. Yes, it's not leather, but it's... Pleather. Vinyl? I don't know what it is. You know, it's either leather or not leather.

I don't know the specifics of... You're pretty bold to buy that coming into summer as we are. Yeah, but you know what? I imagine that's not going to breathe very well. Here's the thing is, it's not disposable. I can use it later on when it gets cold. Never heard of this. I'm going to put it in a little thing I've got a cupboard,

called a cupboard, and I'm going to bring it out when it gets cold again. But at the moment today, I feel like I'm over-explaining this. It's a bit overcast, isn't it? If you're getting all this, stop me at any stage if you already know how all this works. But today it's a bit overcast.

No, you're the king. I don't understand anything. Please explain everything to me. I'm wearing a jacket because it's a bit cool today. What's this thing that words are coming out of on my face? How's that working? Oh, man. We're going to have to make a full…

What's this little thing that's rock hard right now in my pants? Give me a better look and I can explain. So, Patreon subscribers, of course, you are enjoying the fruits of our labour. You are enjoying the bonus episodes and the magazines. The one, it's about to come out, the magazine, for, what is it, October. And it's a nice little themed one. It's a very fun one. But, of course, on top of all that, you get your little names read out.

You become famous in your workplace, as long as you're in a workplace where every single person listens to this show, of which I assume there are many. You're a maniac. You're listening on your headphones, you get up to this bit, and you're plugging it into some kind of communal Bluetooth speaker. Yeah. And forcing everyone to listen to your name get read out. Or maybe, every time we do this, maybe every episode you get out the white pages and you're

playing bingo. You're sort of roughly know where all the, you're crossing off the names that have been read out. Oh, that's cool. Like a serial killer. Yeah. And the slowest game of bingo ever. As soon as every name is crossed out, he just yells out bingo in his own house to no one

except for the corpses in his basement. That's not a bad idea for a horror film, the Patreon killer. So every name he hears on this, he goes out and he kills them. Oh, no. And so then all of a sudden we have this responsibility where it's like we've promised this to these people. We don't want to be in breach of the contract that we're in with them. But we know that as soon as their name gets – this is like the ring.

As soon as your name gets read out on Patreon, this guy comes for you and slits your throat. Yeah, and we're sitting here every week going, we seem to be getting more and more listeners but losing more and more money off the Patreon subscribers. What is going on? Yeah, the new listeners are just like, you know, the police worldwide. Like, no one can find this guy.

He's like the Zodiac. No one can track him down. The Patreon killer. Yeah. Wow, what a great idea. And a good way of bringing up a new idea that will make less people subscribe to this show. Well, hey, let's imagine in this world that everyone that we read out this week

is going to get murdered. I feel like there'd be at least a certain family that would be almost wiped out, made extinct if that was a real thing. Well, they'll be easy to get. He just has to show up to the one place to knock off about 100 people that have been read out at this point. But who knows? Who knows?

How many should we do? Look, I've just got a bunch in front of me today. So I will just pick the ones that fit on the screen. And in this screen, I've got a very tiny laptop today. So you can only fit – I've written everything in 10 point. I can only fit five names wow that is that's a tiny tiny it's a very it's a very small it's somehow a laptop you've got that's smaller than your iphone yeah it's hard to see why you've bothered yeah the screen is actually

smaller than one of the keys which is it's it's a very weird design i'll admit it it's that a dell it's a it's a napple oh yeah i got in in Thailand. It might be a knock-off, I think. Yeah. All right, I got five. I'll read out five today. Okay. Because, like I said, this laptop can only take, not only the screen, but the whole hard drive

can only take five names. Ah, really? Yeah. You could have just forwarded these on to me. I would have been more than happy to facilitate this if I'd known you would. Oh, next time, maybe. You're a designer.

How are you going to make those cool posters with all the colours that are slightly off on this with such a small screen? This is my specific Patreon computer. I've got a different computer for design. Okay, right. Alright, let's do five. Alright, thank you to Patreon subscriber

SlyJai. Now that's a... Are you having trouble reading off the screen? No, that's like the smallest name I could... I've only got the smallest names that I can put on there. There's six letters in that full name. A lot of Toms, a lot of Bobs. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A lot of Bobs. A lot of Bobs. Big Bobs. Typically not many Bobs in this list. Well, I usually get told off for saying that. Is that the most obscure thing we've ever joked about Let's move on Sly Jai

Now that is a person who's going to be able to avoid The Patreon killer Sly Jai, he'll be sneaking around that house As long as his parents have named him that And he's actually turned out to be Sly Well you'd hope, I mean if you're the dad You'd be wanting, you know What, the baby comes out and you go, that looks sly.

No, but the baby actually came out five minutes ago and you didn't even realise. Oh, nice. Very sly. Actually, that'd be good. The doctor, they get the woman in the stirrups. The guy goes to put his hand in and goes, oh, there's nothing there. And then he pops up behind him and goes, hello. Baby crawled out through the butthole.

Very sly. But that's just near the vagina. So it would have come out through the butthole. Very sly. But that's just near the vagina. So it would have come out through the mouth or something. No, but that's not – because everyone can see that. Everyone's looking at the front. If he comes out through the back, no one saw it coming. Well, maybe – You, a baby gets born through a woman's arsehole and you're disappointed.

You're like this miracle of nature. No, no, no. Not sly enough. Yeah. So anyway. S sly enough. Yeah. So anyway. Sly Jai. Yeah. Well done, Sly Jai, for coming out of your mum's butthole or mouth.

And thanks for the money. I think that's more than enough for Sly Jai. It's the briefest one we've ever done, but it doesn't need anymore. I think we nailed it. We nailed it. Yeah. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Scott Nelson. There's a bit more meat and potatoes name. Scott

Nelson. Yeah. Scott your money. Yes. Scott your Nelsons. I feel like Nelsons should be a slang for notes or something. Nelsons sounds like it's slang for testicles, don't you think? Got him right in the Nelsons. I think you could say that about anything though. You could say

got you right in the sly jies. I think that would be more like testicles. Got you right in the Patre's i think you could say that about anything though you could say got you right in the slight jives i think that would be more like testicles you're right in the patreons yeah got i got a hey i got a bunch of nelson's here that say otherwise why is this person from new york all of a sudden because that's i feel like that's the sort of people that nickname the notes of money don't thanks for the act out the typical the rubbing two now i've got a problem with this, the rubbing two fingers together to symbolise money. But if your fingers are rubbing together, there's nothing in there. So is that you going, I've got none, I need

some? No, that's still miming. You usually have money in between your fingers. I don't have to pull out money, do I, to rub them together? You know what I mean. What month of your studies at Goliad did you learn that one? Well, that's obviously not in the first year. Because the first year is all…

That's your graduation exam. Yeah, that's all books. That's all books the first year, isn't it, at Goliad? You're just reading about famous clowns. You're going to the history of… But there's no words in the books. You just have to imagine the book about life. They're all pop-up books.

It's like hardcore training like in football. It's like it's all laps. You don't touch the balls until the second week or so. Yeah. It's exactly like that. So if he sees you pretending to do anything in the first year, you're out. You fucking hear about it.

Yeah. Apart from pretending to get a half-decent education, which that's what you're doing the whole first year. Pretending to have something useful up your sleeve. Well, thanks, Scott. Thanks, Scott Nelson. Thank you to one of – you know what? I'm going to give you a nice little preview.

We've done two male subscribers, of which I assume Sly is a male name. Yeah, I was thinking that too. I felt bad as we were going through it to assume his or her gender. Yeah, well, you know what they say. When you assume, you make an ass wide open and you put a dickie in it. You know what they say? Well, Sly, look, it's 2017. Women can crawl out their mother's butthole as well.

Ah, you're right. Sorry, Sly Jive for assuming. Here comes, there's two males. Here comes three female Patreon subscribers. Sorry. Sorry, Sly Jive for assuming. Here comes, there's two males. Here comes three female Patreon subscribers. Yep. Sisters are doing it for themselves and for us. Have you had to make the names pink on that tiny laptop screen just so you can see? Yes.

Yes. Just so I know how to pronounce them properly. You know that thing when you go to another country and you say something and they go, oh, that's the female version of saying that. When you say, oh, le commissariat, and they go, oh, no, that's the female way of describing a police station. So when you say go to another country and say things, what you mean is in another language?

Yes. Yes. Yes. Because you don't. You don't turn up in France and go, donut, and they go, no, there's a female way of saying it. They don't then reply to you in French. No, you say this is a female.

Yes. They go, at least try and speak our language, you stupid Anglo-Cartes. Yes. But do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. That is weird. French is big for it. French, every verb has a male and a female.

Yeah. And we don't have that. I think good. Really? Yeah. So the equivalent in have that. I think good. Really? Yeah. So the equivalent in English, if you were to say, I just bought a donut and they go, oh, that's the male equivalent. Oh, sorry.

Okay. I just got a little donut. Man eating a man donut. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, what it is is from memory. I haven't studied French for ages but it's certain words.

Some things are male and some things are female. Right. So when you go I am, if you say I am walking through the door, door is either male or female. I can't remember. It's one or the other. What? And then that dictates the version of walking through that you

use. So there's a version of walking through that you use for an item being male and an item being female. I think I could be getting that wrong. A door can be a male or a female thing. Well, no, like every word is either male or female. Is that weird? That sounds very weird to me.

It is very weird. And I could be butchering this because I haven't learnt it since year nine. So please, all the Francophiles out there, write in and let me know. Put your snails down. Get the baguette out of your ass. Put your beret on and write in. It doesn't matter what we've talked about in the episode with Merrick Watts, this is the thing we're getting feedback about.

I can pick it everywhere. Yeah, totally, totally. So a door would be male and a doorway would be female, if you know what I mean. It's stuff like that and a lot of the times there's no rhyme or reason to it. Like I just remember like having to write stuff out in class and my teacher being like, no, croissant is female. And it's like, how would you know that?

And she's like, it just is. Fuck. Yeah. That is fucking bizarre. Yeah. Is the Westgate Bridge male or female? The Westgate? Yeah. Is the Bridge male or female? Le Westgate. Yeah.

Is the bridge male or female? I'd love to know that. Suicide rates typically higher in men, so the Westgate Bridge is probably male. Nice. Okay. Thank you. That's five years of French right there. Nice one.

Okay. So back to the Patreon subscribers. Thank you to someone who actually sounds a little bit French, coincidentally. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Mad Patreon subscriber, Madeline Lang. Madeline Lang. Yeah. Madeline. Madeline.

Now, I believe that that is the female, Madeline. Mm-hmm. It's a big call. I don't know French that well, but I believe that's female. That's how you say it. Yeah. Yeah. Unless that's the male Madeline.

Are you just basing that on the children's books, The Little Orphan Girl? I'm just basing that on the children's books? The Little Orphan Girl? I'm just basing that on the female name. Is that the male Madeline or the female Madeline? Thank you, female Madeline. Big call. Lange is very, like, it's kind of this, you go from this very elegant sounding Madeline to Lange.

No, but it's one of the Langes with the I's in it. So it's L-A-I-N-G. Oh, saved it. Now it sounds like a patisserie. Yes, exactly. Now it sounds nice and fancy. We've got to class up when we... You're right, it sounds like a patisserie rather than a fucking butcher's,

which is what Langs sound like. We've got to start classing up when we accuse someone of doing a name drop. We've got to do it. Clang. Yeah, right. The female clang. The female clang. Yeah, yeah.

Perfect. Start gendering. Yeah, yeah. Perfect. Start gendering everything we say on this show. Let's turn Australia into France. That'll fix people's perception of us. Thanks, Madeline. Thanks, Le Madeline. Thanks, Maddie. Thanks for your franks.

Thank you to, oh, another French sounding. It's an actual thing. Another French sounding Patreon subscriber. Thank you to Adrienne and then Giovino. Does not sound French at the end there at all. No. So you saw Adrienne and you went. Yeah, I went a bit early.

Yeah. Adrienne, Giovino. Depardieu. Yeah. So I've got a bit of French plus Italian there. Giovanni. Yeah. Is that what it was?

That's Italian, right? I like the name Giovanni. Well, look, I won't talk about it now, but I'm sure on maybe next week or the week after, at the very least the next couple of weeks, I'll be talking about my trip to Italy. Oh, scoop. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of Giovannis over there.

Yeah, everyone. I met them all. I may have met Adrian. Oh, really? Yeah. Nice. I actually, you know what? I actually met someone over there that just as I was about to leave Italy,

there was a guy walking past with a Hamish Blake T-shirt on. Oh, wow. Yeah, with a T-shirt. If you listen to Hamish and Andy, it was, you know, Hamish is trying to do this fragrance called Andy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Andy by Hamish. Yeah.

He walked past with an Andy by Hamish T-shirt on. Great. And I just grabbed him and went, can I take a picture? Because I sort of know Hamish. Is that all right? And he's like, yeah, whatever. And then I took it and went, oh, look at these. And I actually sent it to Hamish and went, look at these.

The guy in Italy. And then I realised the picture is no good background at all. It's not like, you know, there was any landscape or any water. Oh, so they could have just been down the shot. So to Hamish it looks like you're at the front of their workplace. Yes. And it's just someone who works in there. Absolutely.

Very good. Yeah, yeah. Great. I'm in Italy. Okay. Take your word for it. Well, thanks, Adrian, for inspiring that wonderful story. Yes.

Thanks, Adrian. Giovanni. Giovanni Ribisi. Great it. Well, thanks, Adrian, for inspiring that wonderful story. Yes. Thanks, Adrian. Giovanni. Giovanni Ribisi. Great actor. Oh, yeah. What's your favourite role of his? Can't remember off the top of my head. Just know he's been in a bunch of stuff.

He was... Yeah, okay. All right. Thanks, Adrian, the female Adrian. That is... And that comes to the end, I believe. That's all the – No, I'm looking at your little screen.

You can't quite see it. It's almost being cut off at the bottom. There's one more there. It barely fits on the screen. You have got good eyesight, sir. Yes, thank you. Right. 20-20 vision.

You're right. There is a tiny little speck on the screen. Yes. Now that I squint at it, I can see it. Lean right in. Just lean right in there. You're going to have to get right in speck on the screen. Yes. Now that I squint at it, I can see it. Lean right in. Just lean right in there. You're going to have to get right in close. Right. Okay. Now I do see it. I do see it now. I'll see if I can make it out.

Alright. Okay. Yeah. I should have seen this given that I said there was three female subscribers to go. Yes. It's bizarre. This behaviour is... You're all over the place. Yeah. What am I thinking? Still on Italy time. Okay. Thank you to... Right. Okay. I can pronounce the last name. the place yeah what am i thinking still on italy time um okay thank you too right okay i i can pronounce the the last name and and the first name so this will be good okay thank you to

any french influence in this one uh is it french given that you were just reading out british and italian names and assuming they were french let's say yes thank you to Patreon subscriber Fantasia Comedy. Okay, right. I believe that is the first stripper that we've had. Oh, I thought you were going to say the first animated Disney film that we've had. I believe it's the first exotic dancer we've had as a Patreon subscriber.

So what she is doing is literally... She dresses up like a broomstick with big buckets of water. She is sticking the dollar notes into our belts tonight. Okay, nice, nice. Yeah, yeah, so it's very nice. So this is kind of... Do you think she's like a bit of a black sheep in the comedy family? Well...

They all seem to... There's a lot of royalty there. She's perhaps, you know, fallen on harder times. Well, I mean, we've had a bloody MC subscribe. I mean, is that really helping the world any more than an exotic dancer? I think – and I'm not saying that I hold this opinion, but if you got someone on the street and said, what is a more respected career, rap musician or stripper,

I think you'd find rap musician would easily be that. Not to cast any judgment. Anyone who's listening who is a stripper. So what you're saying is that's what people on the street would say, whereas you respect strippers way more. Is that what you're intimating? What I'm trying to say is I'm basically the world's greatest ally. There's never been someone who respects women as much as me right okay as a great man once said very very nice work

uh well we've had madam comedy already yeah that's true yeah it's true wow they really i think it's conceivable to me that we'll get to a point where literally every occupation is represented within the comedy family everyone that seems to be slightly amusing in some way at least. Fantasia Comedy. Well, you know, Fantasia, thanks for chipping in. All in dollar bills. Yes. Appreciate it. $69, all of it in crisp singles.

Yep. And I really hope that you maybe are free to maybe entertain at our Dum Dum Staff Christmas party. Oh, excellent. Yeah, that'd be cool. All right. Well, thanks, guys. Thanks to everyone who chipped in.

We are going to do this part very quickly because my doorbell just rang. Thanks for chipping in on Patreon. We really appreciate it. Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub. It really means a lot that you guys choose to support this show. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next week. See you, mates. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit PlanetBCasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. next week. See you mates!