The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 371 - Ronny Chieng & Adam Knox

Episode Date: November 15, 2017

We're back in our second home of Chieng Towers for a catch-up with our resident Rain Man RONNY CHIENG! Also, from around the corner: ADAM KNOX! We hear about Ronny getting bumped at The Comedy Cellar and getting beaten up on the streets. Also, Tommy's dad's doomsday plans and how we'd survive in a zombie wasteland. PLUS a special guest joins us for the Patreon read!Click HERE to download the MP3Don't forget, we have a bunch of huge live shows coming up:PERTH: We're heading over for our annual huge Dum Dum event. SUNDAY NOVEMBER 19.CANBERRA: We're doing it again. A huge live show in your city. SATURDAY NOVEMBER 25. MARYBOROUGH: Is this the worst idea ever? Let's find out! We're doing a live show in Karl's hometown.For tickets, merchandise, links to our Patreon and heaps of other stuff, head to our website: littledumdumclub.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbecasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode featuring guests Ronnie Chang and Adam Knox. But before that, we have to let you know about a couple of things coming up. We are going to be in Western Australia this weekend. Parth comedy. Yeah, we're going back to Perth finally. We do it once a year. So very much looking forward to going over there

and not only doing a podcast but being treated very well by the establishment of comedy over there. Being treated very well by the establishment of comedy. Is it a good local scene, would you say? It is a good local scene, yeah. Would you? Yeah, a lot of fair and just things going on in the Perth comedy scene at the moment.

You're a personal fan of people that run things over there? I'm a personal big fan of everything going on. We're like a shining oasis of comedy over there, I think. I think there's only comedy there once a year when we come. So make the most of it. Come along. What's the date on it again? November the 19th. Lovely. Sunday afternoon

at what? 4 or 30? 4.30? Great question. When are you time to work that out? Look it up. I'm just being thrown off by the time zones. Look, my plan is I'll wake up Sunday morning and then I'll just get on the ticket page and then I'll find out when I'm meant to be at the venue. Oh, buy a ticket and then find out from the ticket that gets sent to you.

That's it. We do hide the time of the gig behind a paywall, so that's the only way you can find out. Just so you can't sneak up to the venue and press your ear against the window. Yes, that's a great system. If Ticketmaster, if you just got on, it doesn't tell you the venue or the date or anything. I forget we regularly do that.

That's why we've had a few 4am gigs that no one could ever find out about. We're like that Milo guy where he doesn't want to promote where any of his gigs are because people are going to protest. So you get a ticket and then the day before you find out where it is. Yeah, a lot of people do want us to not be in Australia anymore, so very similar. A lot of people want us to swallow the red pill, except it's cyanide. Following that, the next weekend we are going to be up in Canberra,

November the 25th. Canberra, get your shit together. Nothing else going on that weekend, so come on down. I don't want to fucking get Adelaide alert on your arses, but you're smelling a little bit like you're from the south of australia all right so get your shit together and go get your tickets or we won't or we'll treat you like we fucking treat adelaide yeah exactly so that's going to be heaps of fun some great guests coming along for that one uh and then looking

forward into 2018 we have the live maryborough episode january theth, and then we are going back to Koh Samui for the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival. And very quickly, if you're listening to that and getting into that now, and plenty and plenty of people are getting early bookings for that, please go to our website. We've got a dedicated page that gives all the details, all the little tricks and things that you need to do,

like the password for the Ozo Choeing Samui official resort of the podcast, and the ticket that you have to buy to get into our little festival itself. All the little tips and tricks are there. So don't just go randomly buying hotel rooms or flights or whatever. Get all the info off us first. Yep.

Do all that. LittleDumbDumbClub.com for all the tickets and the merchandise and links to our Patreon where you can support the show if you enjoy what you hear and you'd like to chip in. We read out people's names on the show and subject them to ridicule and we'll be doing that at the end of this episode with maybe a special guest. So enjoy. What do you mean he's maybe special? Is that what you're saying?

Yeah. There's definitely a guest. It's just up to you. He's in the room with us right now. He might leave in between now and then. We don't know. You might be able to hear him sweat if you lean into the podcast uh so little dumdumclub.com for all that stuff enjoy this episode with rotten roddy jang and

adam knox Hey mates, welcome once again. So boring. You do it then. So boring. Hey mates. G'day mates. Great. It's great to be back here in Australia.

Thanks for listening to Australia's number one podcast. Bloody fish doing gymnastics over here. Where are we? Can you finish the intro at least? If you're going to jump in. I don't even know what's the next part. Say the name of the show. Oh, we are listening to the Little Dumb Dumb Club

with your good friends, Tommy Dasolo. Thank you. And Carl Chandler. Yay, thanks for having us, Ronnie. G'day, fuckhead. Joining us today on the show, two very special guests, one of whom, we'll introduce them in introduce them in reverse order of politeness. First of all, Adam Knox.

Thank you. Yay. I live around the corner. Thank you for booking me on the basis of that. Yeah. You're welcome. Was that the point? Was that why you booked him?

No, but a little bit. Why don't you book someone we actually have camaraderie with? Like who? Who should we have got instead of Adam Knox? Do you have 50 people? You want me to name names? Yeah. Anyone.

Anyone. Anyone else. Let's start naming names. Anyone else. Let's start naming names. This is it. Look, we're introducing you. You're building him up.

Whoa, way to go, Kyle Chandler. Emperor of Melbourne comedy, building acts up and tearing them down. Don't go against Kyle Chandler. He knows what's up. He will make your career or he will break it on this podcast. And I made yours, so you're welcome.

Thank you. Believe it or not, we got Noxy because it's very hard to find people who want to spend an hour. We found the one guy who doesn't know you well enough to know how intolerable you are. The one guy that said yes

to having three showers before he met you. But that's not true. That's not true. What's not true? Everyone likes to hang out with me. Do they? Yeah.

We just went to your barbecue. We were the only people there. No, that's not true. We were the only comics. It was us, Danny McGinley, and that's it. Should we introduce this guest? Let's let it go for another 20 minutes. All right.

Hey, my name is Ryan Chang. Thanks for having me on your podcast. I mean, he's technically the host of this episode. I didn't even say the name of the show. Well, you're in my house, so I'm goddamn hosting this episode. Yeah, exactly. Now, you're here in our fine country. Thanks for coming and giving us the royal visit. Thank you so much.

Now you live in New York City. I know. The Big Easy. What? Yeah, it's nice to be back in Melbourne. The city that never eats. Melbourne's a city that doesn't eat. No, that's New York, isn't it?

Doesn't eat? Yeah. Everyone says so. Sure. Yeah. You came down. You visited me. You both visited me.

Yeah, we did. Did you have a good time there? I did have a good time. Yeah, I showed you around, right? I hooked you guys up. You didn't show us around. We met you at the gig that you were doing. Where'd you hook us up?

And then I hooked you up. I got you a photo with the, what's his face? With who? The guy. Who? Who's the guy you took a photo with? Trevor Noah, you should know your boss's name. No, there's another guy.

There's another guy you took a photo with. Spider-Man in Times Square? You didn't hook that up. No, no, there's one more guy at the cellar you took a photo with. Milan? Yeah, we know him. Yeah, Milan. I hooked you up with Milan.

I got you a photo with Milan. No, no, who do you mean? Do you mean the director? Do you mean Judd Apatow? Yeah, how many photos did you take? Do you mean Judd Apatow? I don't know, I don't know who. You didn't get us a photo with Milan. I got your photo with Milan. No, no. Who do you mean? Do you mean Judd Apatow? How many photos did you take? Do you mean Judd Apatow? I don't know who.

You didn't get us a photo with anyone. All right, listen. I went up to Judd Apatow drunk and went, hey, can I get a photo? You did. And he went, okay. That's not your work. No, I hooked that up. And you were trying to get me like, come be a part of this. I'm like, I don't really want to.

He was all right. He was all right about it. Now that you're telling this story that I was in no way involved with, I think Ronnie's right and you should have gotten someone with better camaraderie. Well, we tried to get Judd Apatow, but he wouldn't do it. I can hook you up. Yeah, I can hook you up.

You didn't hook us up with anything. I hooked up with the photos. You didn't hook up any photos. I got you a nice seat. You didn't give us a seat. You're very ungrateful. Milan set us up with everything. You didn't do anything.

Listen, man. You couldn't even hook your own gig up you got bumped yeah you got bumped you got bumped to the night we were there that was great you were trying to

stunt on us all night going you fucking idiots you're at the cellar where I'm on every night and then for the first time ever the night we happen to be there you get bumped

by some hack called Dave Chappelle you couldn't even keep a spot the next day I got bumped by Madonna oh yeah

did you really yeah I got bumped by Madonna where at the cell. The next day, I got bummed by Madonna. Oh, yeah. Did you really? Yeah, I got bummed by Madonna. Where? At the cellar. At the comedy cellar, yeah. Why did Madonna do a spot? So you were there when Madonna did a spot. Yeah, I was supposed to be on.

And then they lied to you. They just didn't want you to. Like, Madonna was the first thing. No, that's why. I mean, Madonna came in and she went downstairs and did a set. We all saw it. Really? Yeah.

They bumped you because it was like for like you know because it was Madonna like a virgin and Ronnie Chang actual virgin but I've been spending

the last two minutes trying to put that one together in my head just circling around it just working the Rubik's Cube if it's any stylist he totally fucked it up anyway

so it wasn't any good anyway so you can still swirl it around that balding head of yours to figure it out. This comedy tip is coming from someone who got bumped two nights in a row.

By Madonna. By Madonna who doesn't do comedy. Yeah, exactly. And you got bumped by an open mic-up. Yeah, I got bumped by an open mic-up. Who are you going to get bumped by next? Phil Collins? Oh, is that your contemporaries in music, right?

The Rolling Stones is when music ended for you. Yeah, yeah. All right. So Pete Holmes. So what's Madonna's stand-up like? She did it with Amy Schumer was on stage with her. So they both did like a double act. Kind of like you guys but better.

Okay. Yeah. So you're saying that Amy Schumer and Madonna is better than us too? Oh, do I even need to say that well we feel pretty insulted by that okay well get used to it

because you guys Pete Holmes came in and then Aziz came in and then Jon Stewart came in so you haven't gigged at the cellar

for like three months Amy Schumer came in and then Madonna came in do you do gigs or do you just go there as a punter now I go

I try to do gigs are you a waiter at do you just go there as a punter now? I try to do gigs. Are you a waiter at the Comedy Cell? I'm a waiter at the Comedy Cell. Does the Comedy Cell treat you like the Daily Show does now as well? You just don't get on

any of the shows? Do you guys watch the Daily Show? Do you guys watch it here? I only watch the episodes you're on. So no, I don't watch it. The government blocked

Pirate Bay over here so I haven't watched it in a long time. Oh, they actually blocked Pirate Bay? You can get around it pretty easily. Like how?

You type in the Pirate Bay on Google and click watched it in a live show. Oh, they actually block pirate bay? You can get around it pretty easily. Like how? You type in the pirate bay on Google and click the first thing that comes up. Oh, so they stop the link. Is that really blocking the link? They stop just the main thing. The URL, yeah. If you go to any, there's a million like mirror sites.

There's a billion proxies. Yeah. So you're here in Australia. You're doing your tour. You're doing your tour. What's the name of the tour? There's no name. Well, I saw an ad.

Yeah, I was joking about that name. That's a fake name. Is it the Ronny Chieng Down Under Tour? No, it's not. the name of the tour there's no name well i saw an ad yeah i was joking about that that's a fake name is it the running chang down under tour no it's not it's the back in the outback back in the outback you stupid piece of shit no i did that ironically i did that ironically it looks ironic it's ironic that's the unfortunately no one took it ironically it was ironic as though this guy from america oh he's going to the Outback I thought it'd be funny. But everyone no one Yeah and the pictures of you

in the fucking subway Yeah I know. In New York. That's why I thought it would be funny but then no one everyone just gets offended because everyone

gets so sensitive. It's very difficult to make a piece of paper look ironic though. Like you can't like buy coke. Yeah. Because you've sponsored

the post as well. It's like what what about that screams irony oh i didn't know it got sponsored it got sponsored it's an ad it's a facebook ad well i thought it'd be funny if you know me because i started comedy here it's funny to go it's like you're going i'm back in the outback but because i'm not white people think i'm a fucking foreigner and i don't get it so what can you do what can you do man don't blame me

for people being racist is this your show is this you explaining why jokes don't work live on stage as well no that's your show that's your fucking show except you get other famous people to do it to you

I've never seen Carl explain why a joke doesn't work I've seen him explain why an audience is dumb for not getting it yeah he gets people on his show

and he asks them to roast him every time a joke doesn't work because every single joke is tiring so exhausting they're all references

from 1983 Phil Collins like a virgin remember that song that she did contemporary music Phil Collins that was valid

oh is that what Amy Schumer and Madonna were doing Amy Schumer does gear and then Madonna kind of like Chandler style like roasts her for the jokes

that don't go well Amy Schumer greatest comedian in the world and universe yeah they were both doing a double act to be fair I mean it's just one time you don't need to point out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out and I'm trying to tell you about we're not getting offended at you saying the wrong words

and not knowing what words mean I'm sorry I made a grammatical mistake and won my three languages thank you let's go move on let's talk about

something else where do you rank your languages in terms of how well you speak and where's English in the top three where

is it one two or three English is one it's one and what's two Chinese and what's three Cantonese is one. It's one? Yeah. And what's two? Chinese, I guess. And what's three?

Cantonese. Cantonese. Is that a language? Yeah, it's a dialect, you fuck. Okay. You stupid fuck. I think you've got two languages. Go eat your spaghetti and burgers.

Go eat your pizza. I think it's two languages. I'm going to pull you up there. I'm going to, it's two languages. Dude, oh my God. Don't pull him up on stuff. Linguistics master, Carl Chandler. Yeah, Carl, Mr. Live and Born and Raised Maribor Nong knows all the Asian.

You're literally white-splaining Asian languages to me and you're wrong. There's Peach Village, the Chinese restaurant in Maribor. I think I know a little bit about Asian culture. I think you'll find it's pronounced the Chinese restaurant. Yeah, yeah, exactly. In those parts. Yeah, I know oriental food. Yeah.

I know deep-fried ice cream. What else you got? What else you got? We got nothing else. That those parts. Yeah, I know oriental food. Yeah. I know deep fried ice cream. What else you got? What else you got? We got nothing else. That's it, fried rice. Fried rice and deep fried ice cream. Yeah. You got the dish that you ordered that you come out and it's on fire

and everyone orders that because that's cool. What is that? I don't know. It's like… This shit comes out and it's on fire. Yeah, it's on fire. Yeah. Everyone always orders that.

It's sizzling. It's on fire. Mongolian something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. S on fire. Mongolian something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sizzling. Mongolian beef. Sizzling beef. That's sweet and sour pork, right?

Yeah. That flaming sweet and sour pork. I believe, no offense, Ronnie, but I believe that's how you pronounce it. Mongolian beef. Is that how I got it right? No, you're right. How could I? Yeah, I'm totally mistaken.

There's only one Asian language. Chinese, that's it. There's no dialect. Exactly. You got two languages. Two is good though. Two is okay. Two is more than you.

Two is two more than you. Communicate to a series of grunts. That's Maribor Nongese. That's why he's a one-liner comedian because he just can't figure out how to say more than that. One-liner was a huge challenge for him, just getting to that full stop. We did see you in New York last time we were there

and you were gracious enough to come on our show. Thank you for doing that. We saw you at the Comedy Cellar, which is like the coolest place in New York. Maybe the coolest comedy club in the world. That's probably the one that people think of now if they picture a comedy place. Yeah, it's at the start of Louis. It's at the start of the sitcom Louis.

But you were there and we learnt that you're not allowed to walk to the gig anymore. You get your wife to pick you up. What? Is that right? No. I think that's right. What are you talking about? I think that's right too. Yeah. You get mum to pick you up at the end of the show. You get driven home because you're not allowed to walk home by yourself anymore.

Is that right? No. I don't know what you're talking about. I think it's right because isn't it? Didn't you get attacked on the way home? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got attacked on the street. You got beaten up by a Girl Scout or something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got choked by a girl. Yeah, a little girl came up and beat you up. Sure, a little girl came up and beat me up. Yeah, I got... But I mean, they're tougher in New York. I mean, I bet like an eight-year-old in New York is like confided like a 13-year-old level.

Yeah. A little girl in New York is Chopper Reed level. The manager of the cellar had bumped you from the gig. That little girl bumped you from 50 bucks. She bumped you in the head. It was an older lady who choked me. What? How old?

Choked you like forwards. Yeah, forwards. Or during sex. That's why he's not allowed to walk home because he cheated on his wife. Hang on. It's an older lady choking you. Was this 50 shades of grey hair? I can't believe you bumped me, on. It's an older lady choking you. Was this 50 Shades of Grey hair? I can't believe you bumped me, Madonna.

Hey, don't worry about it. So she was old. And by old, I mean she's about your age. Yeah, thank you. Like super old. And then I was walking down the street and then she just walked up to me and grabbed me on the throat and just started squeezing. And I didn't even know it you know i was lucky

that she choked me she could have just punched me in the face did you just immediately go are you a dum-dum fan i was trying to but i was being choked i was like couldn't get the words out so i threw off her her her choke and then she she like squared up to like fight me her fist raised and she was like on her balls but she said anything no and then she she like squared up to like fight me her fist was raised and she was like on her balls but she said anything no and then she and then i just looked at her and just walked away and it was her yeah you just walked away you didn't say anything you didn't say why did you do that and i do this as a joke on my in my show okay oh so this happened in the outback outback of uh calton is this the closer and then you finish by going and that's when I realized

that all of us are back in the outback thanks for coming guys if you like to tell your friends yeah that's exactly and then I got buried for it so

the yeah and so you didn't ask any questions you're leaving you're leaving a detail out of this you said something to her

for her to just show I find it hard to believe that an old woman would just start choking you in the street. When I say old, that means she was Carl's age. This is the first I've heard about crazy people in New York. I find this difficult to believe. Yeah, I know, Daslo. I know you've never left your fucking cot. But outside in the real world, choking's happening.

You don't question it. And you move on. La-di-da, bitch. I live in New York where people choke people. I'm like your little shithole Melbourne where everyone's safe. Like this backwards place that everyone can walk around. I'm molested. Is that going to replace the big apple, the big choke out?

The big choke out? Yeah. She choked me. I choked New York too. I didn't say anything to her. She walked right up to me. She choked me. I pushed her off.

Yeah, it was kind of good. Did you call her daddy? I came a little bit. And then she went on her way and then I said thank you and then I went on my way. She treated you better than the Daily Show I've treated you. Yeah, I guess. So she squared up to fight and you just walked off. I walked off, yeah.

You turned your back to her and just walked away. I turned my back. What were you going to do? Fight this woman? I would walk away backwards like when a dog's attacking you. It's rare that you think in the option of someone squaring up to fight you that you consider the option, you can just walk away. Yeah.

Just turn and walk away. Just walk away, man. If she didn't open with a punch, like she opened with a choke, so she could have gotten me because I wasn't paying attention at all. She got close enough to choke me without me even realizing. But that says to me that she wasn't that committed to the fight.

If you're going to walk away and she's just going to cop that without giving chase. No, exactly. I mean, that's disappointing, I think. That's what made me walk away. I'm like, oh, she's not going to fight. I don't know what she was trying to do. You got out of a chokehold and went, what a pussy, and walked away. Basically, I didn't say anything.

Have you kept in touch? Yeah, we exchanged numbers and sometimes I email her. She asked for tickets to the Daily Show and then she asked for a photo with Judd Apatow.

I was like, I don't have enough juice for that but if you come to the cell you can watch me get bumped. Yeah. Have you been harassed any other times in the street in New York?

Yes. Yes, I've had the run, Forrest, run, the classic street heckle from when you're running down the street and someone will go, run, Forrest, run. Was this in a primary school? I haven't heard that one in a very long time. No, it's a very common one.

If you're in a hurry, someone in the street will always yell, run, Forrest, run. What an appalling advertisement for New York. That's the kind of thing that strangers think is funny. That's great. I like the idea of someone yelling, like, run, Forrest, run, and then after they go, I'm like, ah, fuck, that was a little hacky. Yeah, yeah.

Run Lola. That might have been better. A little bit more contemporary. Yeah. Oh, man, that's – run Lola. How old's that? It's like 20 years old. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, but it's more arthouse. It's foreign. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's more New York. You get more cred then. Yeah, it's more arthouse. It's foreign. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's more New York. You get more cred then. Yeah, it's more New York. I think Run Forest would probably play better in the Midwest. Yeah.

Yeah. But that's not as specific to you. Like that's just a general. That would be anybody walking down the street. I think so. If you're running down a street. If you were walking, that would be it. I remember saying that.

I remember yelling that out of a car when Forrest Gump was in the theaters and it went pretty well. Yeah. Yeah. When it was new. Thank God there's no movie quotes about people walking. Can you imagine the fucking life we would all lead? I was walking behind a non-stop. I was walking behind this pair of guys the other night

and there was like a bike tied to a post and someone had stolen the tyres from it and one of the guys like nudges his friend real hard and points at the bike and goes, that's a bit of a shit bike. And the beaming look on his face after he said it, he's like, I from it. And one of the guys nudges his friend real hard and points at the bike and goes, that's a bit of a shit bike. And the beaming look on his face after he said it, he's like, I did it. I've come up with one. Also, yelling out of a moving car. Yeah, it's good, isn't it? So Australian.

It's the most Australian thing. I think it might be the greatest art form that exists. Does that not happen in New York? No, not as much as Australia. I've actually trained myself whenever I hear someone yelling out of a moving vehicle to not look. So I've stopped my reflex to look at yelling now, which is very bad.

Why? Because it's always good. It's never good. It's always, it's usually, if it's not racial, I'm like, oh, today's a win. Right. It usually goes very racial. You once got, you were coming to Spleen back in the olden days when you lived in Melbourne.

I got spit in the face, yeah. You got spat in the face at the front of Spleen one time? Yeah, yeah, one time, yeah. Well, that was on Bourke Street, not in front of Spleen, yeah. Is that just for asking Carl for a gig? Having been there to watch the gig? Yeah, that was when I was trying to get some stage time. It was fucking tough in those days, fuck.

Hey, it wasn't a no. Yeah, that's right. I was encouraged by it. Just walk away, man. You should have known. I walked away.

I did walk away. It wasn't a choke hold. Yeah, it could have been worse. Yeah. Could have been in my mouth. It didn't get in my mouth. Yeah.

No, but you did. You really did get spat in the face. Yeah, it was bad. Yeah. Yeah. But I remember you coming backstage

and just going, I got spat in the face, man. Yeah. Does that, a lot of people, a lot of random people don't like you. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah.

But it's a very rare occurrence. I think I get it less than most people. I don't have any of those stories. No one spat in my face. No one's choked me. But you look homeless. So no one's going to punch down like that. So I'm the guy that's spitting.

I'm the guy that's choking people. Yeah, you're the guy who's more likely to spit. I'm the underdog. Yeah. Also, Tommy hasn't had that, right? Because you look weak and pathetic. No one's going to punch down like that. I've been spat on by kids like up on a roof who were just spitting down

and I happened to like walk into it. Who were just spitting down. You know how kids just spit off a roof. Spitting off a roof. Yeah. The worst feeling. Realising that you've got someone else's spit on you. Yeah.

The worst feeling. Yeah. That has to be. I've never been spat on. feeling the realizing that you've got someone else's spit on you the worst feeling yeah that has to be all it's i i've never been spat on i was walking like across one of the bridges from crown into the city near king street with a friend and someone tried to rob us he like came at us and i like had his hand in his pocket and shit and my friend did this thing that's like out of an episode of hey arnold once where he pretended to be crazy. He went like, oh, you want to rub us? All right, come on.

Fucking rub us then. And it totally worked. The guy fucking left. Wow. And I was petrified. Rolling the dice there. What weapon did he have? He had a pocket as far as I know, but it looked like maybe a knife in the pocket.

I assume that's what. No, if it was a knife, he would have shown you. He would have pulled it out. Yeah. He was bluffing probably. But if you act crazy, no one will do anything to you. Yeah, great advice to get killed. Adam Knox with how to commit suicide.

You didn't fight the girl who choked you. No, I didn't. Maybe if she hadn't have gone up and preempted. Yeah, if she hadn't done anything, would I? Maybe you would have king hit her. Yeah, I don't know. She's just looking out. But that's the thing, right?

You're not supposed to fight women. So even if they choke you, give them the benefit of the doubt. Speaking of weird women, I got a text the other night that said, hey, do you think I could sleep with Adam? And it's a text from – I get a lot of random texts because, you know, my number's out. All the listeners have got my number. Yeah.

It says, can I sleep with Adam? And I said – I'm not his pimp. I said, I don't – Adam who? And also, who are you? And then he said, Adam Knox. And I went, really? And they're like, yeah, do you think I've got a chance with Adam Knox?

And I went, who is this? And then they replied like two, three days later and said, Pamela Anderson. Nice, bro. Thanks, man. It's been a great few days. Yeah. And they said, they replied a couple of days later,

sorry, I was really drunk. And I was like, that's fine. But I'm actually, and I was with Noxy at the time when I got the second text. And I just took a picture without telling him the story. You just went, hey, Noxy, give me a thumbs up. Yeah. Just give me a thumbs up.

Because this was at your gig and I thought he was like, oh, he's going to post it on social media, get everyone down here when they know I'm MC. Yeah. So I just sent her the picture of the thumbs up and then she sent back a picture of her thumbsing up. Yeah. So my phone number is now being used for fucking open mic tea.

So did you find out who this, do you know who this person is? No, but I got a picture of her. Okay, right. So I'll put that up on social media. Go for it. Here is a desperate woman that will take anyone. Oh, wow. Here is a woman with fantastic taste and a little bit of a.

Here is a desperate man who will take a little bit of You're a desperate man I have a girlfriend now Here is a feeder That is looking for someone Yeah I don't know I used to be into street choking and shit But now there's nothing I can do about it Where does she even know

You don't know who she is You've never seen her before No no no She's a dumb dumb listener I assume because that's how she's got my number I don't know her Now I've seen a picture of her I definitely don't know who she is. You've never seen her before. No, no, no. No, she's a dumb dumb listener. I assume because that's how she's got my number. I don't know her. Now I've seen a picture of her. I definitely don't know her.

Okay, okay. Yeah, I've never seen her before in my life. Okay, why don't you hook it up then? Well, because he's got a girlfriend now. There's nothing I can do. Well, then ask the girlfriend. Not that I would even if there wasn't. I have to watch what I'm doing.

Yeah, if you were single, is that something you'd do? Nah, man, because when I was single, I was just waiting for Jen, my girlfriend, to come along the whole time. That was all my life was about and I knew it was coming. I'll edit that clip out and isolate it so you can send it to her. Get some great reports. You're welcome. It's pretty weird.

It's cool. You must get that. I remember when I did fucking – when i did raw in 2011 that was on comedy yeah yeah and it was on tv and it was like obviously the first time i'd ever been on tv and shit and after it had aired i was talking to tom gainor who's all day now and you've had him on this show right yeah and i was talking to him he's a music rapper he's a musical rapper and uh he was like we were messaging about it like Like, Oh, how crazy is that? We're on TV and shit.

That's what's cool. And he's like, yeah, man, how weird is it? Like getting all these messages of girls just like sending you their tits. I was like,

Oh yeah, man. And then like genuinely like the people like this person sent me a message the other day. I don't get them that often, but like, Hey man, love your work.

And it wasn't any tits or anything. It was this dude with like the anonymous like V for vendetta mask on and then a construction hat with a dildo stuck on the front was his profile picture that's my group this is like mr robot where he's trying to recruit you because you have the look of like a big time hacker yeah yeah he's gonna make me code someone i'm getting a blowjob under a desk. Swordfish style? Yeah. Oh, what's that? I haven't seen that movie.

Ronnie, you were on Raw Comedy years ago. Did you get any feedback like that? Did you get any weird messages? No, I never got any. Did you get girls hitting you up? No, I think Asian men are the least desired of all minorities. I agree. Yeah, you do nothing for me

it's definitely the race and gender combo that makes me the least horny yeah i think uh i did a story on a daily show once about it about just the ones yeah about yeah let me talk about one topic once you want to do every single day uh yeah that it's supposed to be the least desired minority or something. Is it like statistically? Yeah, in Tinder, we have all this metadata from dating apps now. Apparently, it's the least desired one. I've never seen a porno with an Asian man in it.

I've never watched a scene like that. Have you seeked it out though? Yes, and I've yet to find it. I've been looking for a long time. It probably doesn't come up when you type in Pamela Anderson lookalike. Asian porn is like one of the biggest, like there's no way you couldn't find it. Half the internet is Asian porn. Yeah, okay.

I've obviously put some filters, some blockers on it to make sure I never, ever see any Asian junk. Okay, fine. Well, I'm telling you, you haven't looked at all. Okay. Yeah. Because literally you just have to look down the street and see an Asian junk. Okay, fine. Well, I'm telling you, you haven't looked at all. Yeah. Because literally you just have to look down the street and see an Asian dick. Down the street?

Yeah, you just look down the window, yeah. Yeah, I nearly got choked by one the other day. Tommy Daslow, I found out this about you the other day. About your dad. We've talked about your dad a few times. Yeah. We're going to talk about this. Yeah.

Now, apparently there's two things. One of which we have talked about on the show few times yeah we're gonna talk about this yeah now apparently there's two things these one of which which we have talked about on the show before but we can do it again okay yeah oh can we about your dad writing a porno yeah my dad reckons he's writing a porno this is a good idea for a podcast this is already a podcast i told this on the show years and years ago right and then now there's a podcast literally just called My Dad Wrote a Porno. Yeah. I'm like, these pricks have gotten in on my act. Yeah. My dad's a serial killer.

Do you reckon there's anything in that podcast-wise? Serial podcast? Some kind of. Maybe. Like a true crime kind of a thing. I don't know. So he's writing. But you just know that your dad killed people.

So that's over one episode. He brags about it all the time. He keeps showing me. But there's no mystery there. He keeps going up it all the time. He keeps showing me body parts. But there's no mystery there. He keeps going up to Asian men on the street and choking them out. He's writing a porno. This is a thing.

I don't know if he's still working on it, but years ago he was like- He told Dilruch recently that he's writing- Okay, oh, he mentioned it again? Yeah. Okay, I didn't know that detail. This is years ago. How long does it take? Yeah.

Well, yeah, it's been in the pipeline for a long time. Is it a book or a screenplay? Because surely a screenplay doesn't take that much longer. So it goes in, it goes out. This is fucking war and peace of ass. I think his idea is he wants to bring a touch of... Did you say war and peace of ass? Yeah. That's great.

War and peace. That's great. That's way better. I think his idea is he wants to sort of bring a touch of class to porno. So his idea is all the scenes would take place on like nice yachts and like the backseat of Bentleys and stuff like that. It's been done. I've never seen an expensive looking porno. They're all in like mansions.

It's been done. Yeah, well, I mean this is good for me to find out because it means my dad isn't keeping abreast of all the pornos out there. So I'm happy to know that he's doubling up. Like, that's fine. Abrest, nice. Thanks, man. But it is a book? He's wanting to put out a porno book?

No, I think it's a screenplay idea. Really? I think the term is romantic novel. Okay, Carl? Yeah, I don't know. I've always just, when he says porno, I've always just assumed he'd want this to be filmed. But maybe it is a book. I'll have to check in. There's a lot of money in that.

I know a guy who made a living off of writing incest porn books. Oh, really? Yeah. You've got to go niche. You've got to go specific. How did you know him? Was he basing it on you? Oh, I know how you know him.

I was trying, but you got there first. Wait, I know how you know him. I know this guy. Yeah, yeah. Is this who I think it is? Yeah, it is. I'll tell you how you know him I know this guy yeah yeah is this who I think it is yeah it is I'll tell you how Knox knows him he's an open mic comedian

oh what yeah he was he did what are the odds yeah yeah no I've never met a freaky one of them before

but yeah how did you find out how you just told you he told me you're googling it you saw the author and you're like well because he was writing under a different name

like fuck I hope so yeah Jesus was it all in the first person like i then i fucked my brother i think they were all different because there was some about like werewolves and and you know niche things like asian men was that the name of the porno by the way was that the name of one of the pornos at least? How I Fucked My Brother? An incest porno narrated by Bob Saget. Get him in. So wait, werewolves.

So wait, incest werewolf? Yeah. I don't know if they crossed over. So fucking a werewolf that's related to you? What are the odds of there being two werewolves in the same family? I guess if they're fucking each other, they might bite from time to time and that's how you get it. Right. But that's like your brother, you're sexually attracted to your brother,

but only when he's the werewolf. Yeah, once a month. So you know that the full moon's coming up and you're like, oh boy, here we go. Here's our time of the month coming up. Oh, I'm horny. Ironically, it's our time of the month when we can fuck. Jesus Christ.

Is that irony? Yes. Technically, it's not good, but it is irony. Whenever you have to say technically about a joke, that's a good joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On paper. In your dad's written down porno, that'd be good. Should I text him and ask him for an update on it?

Please, text him now and ask him if he's got a title. Okay. I'd love to know the title. Okay. Hey, are you still working on your porno? Because me horny. Because I'm right, I'm nearly there. If you just send me some of it.

I just need something to get me over the edge. I just need my dad to write me something really sexy and then I can really. If you guys had had another boy, what would you have named him? Just so I can think about it. Okay. Hey, are you still working on your porno? If so, where is it at and does it have a title?

Yes, please. Any other questions? Thank you. There's so many. He's pretty bad with text text but maybe we'll see. Okay, let's get just that bit. We'll see hopefully he chimes in. Because the other thing was I was asking him.

There's more than just his dad writing a porno. I was asking him a while ago like because I tell people about it and they'd go, oh, fuck, this is so good. Like you've got to read it on the podcast or you've got to do something with it. And so I was around there and I was like, oh, hey, do you have it? Can I have a read of it? And he goes, not written down. It's all up here.

Tapping the side of his temple. You pointed to your dick, by the way, when you said it. What a horrible waste because, I mean, he could, with it all being up there, what if he forgets about the bit when the dick goes in, you know? He could waste all of that. He's getting older. He's getting forgetful, you know, who forget what sex is.

It could be all foreplay. What does your mum think about this? I don't know if she's aware of it. Should that be my follow-up? Text to mum. Do you know dad's writing a poem? Please, please. Can you text her right now?

Can you please text her? I thought the last few months had been a bit weird. Didn't realise he was doing research. Yeah, halfway through, you know, intercourse and then he grabs a pen. Oh, man, I've got to write this down before I forget. I can't find a pen. All right, we'll finish off. I'll go on the paper.

That would be amazing if my dad, like when it comes time for him to retire, he then just goes full-time, spends his twilight years in the porno business. Full-time sex author. Full-time sex author. Old school reference. Yeah, old school reference on the podcast.

Hef's dead. We need another old man creep. Yeah, definitely. Not enough of them out there. That can be his, instead of gardening, he can just write a few chapters of this sweet poem. Instead of playing bowls? Instead of playing bowls?

Instead of playing bowls, yeah. Play with some bowls. Instead. Your dad is a decorated architect. He is. A decorated. Yeah. Very decorated.

I found his dad in a book once. Yeah. How dirty was the book? It was filthy. It was so dusty. It was, yeah, your dad built his own home. Do all the places he designs just big dicks? Are they just all very felled houses?

The Washington Monument? His family firm designed the monkey bit at the zoo and they've put in a little trap door where you're allowed to go in and fuck the monkeys. It's something that they insisted on. Did they really design the monkey part at the zoo and they've put in a little trap door where you're allowed to go in and fuck the monkeys. Something that they insisted on. Did they really design the monkey part of the zoo? Yeah, they did heaps of stuff at the zoo. Do you need an architect to do that?

I'm not belittling it, but like, they're monkeys. What do you mean? Do you think you just put a box and have monkeys in it? Yeah, make it look like a tree. Huh? I probably couldn't do it. You think it's a... But that's just, you could say that about a house.

Make it look like a building. At the end, who needs an architect for this? Oh, gay sensitive. Tommy, you could say that about a house. Make it look like a building. At the end, who needs an architect for this? Oh, getting sensitive. Tommy, getting sensitive about architecture. Yeah, but I mean, yeah, monkey enclosure. How do you think it's supposed to look? Like that needs an expert. It's a bunch of, it looks like a kid's playground.

You could uplift one of them and put it in with some monkeys. You are an idiot. Monkeys make their own fun with places. Yes. A sandbox. Like a jungle gym. They're called jungle gyms because they're like what monkeys play in. So they just sleep on a

jungle gym. Is that what's supposed to happen? Yeah, where do they sleep in the jungle? You put like a fucking totem tennis ball there hanging off it as well. They don't need a laundry. They don't need their monkeys. They live in dirt. They live in dirt. Pretty much. They just dig a hole in the ground. There's every one of the monkey things I've ever seen.

This is monkeys, not worms. There's one hatch and it goes up and they sleep in a box and then they come back out and during the day they have like some wood to sit on. You're insulting my family. You're insulting yourself. Worst of all, you're insulting this podcast. Insulting Mother Nature.

Insulting the monkeys. You're insulting evolution. You're insulting your relatives. Since there is no way to disprove it, I think I could build a monkey enclosure. And then it's the worst. Or the monkeys in your enclosure would die immediately. They're like swinging axes, right?

That's what monkeys enjoy. That's a hell of a hook for our next Melbourne live show. Knox builds a monkey enclosure. We bring the monkeys in and see how they go. And they're just monkeys, right? It's not like chimps, which are like chimps are dangerous, but like monkeys I can deal with. Who's going to finish first, your dad writing the porno

or him designing a monkey house? Finish first, do you mean come? Well, if it's him, your dad will work it into the book. The horny monkey. The horny architect. Yeah, the horny architect. Those prehensile tales. Yeah, Noxie goes ape.

Yeah, no reply yet. Yeah, he's really bad with texting. The next thing is your dad is also apparently a doomsday prepper. Yeah, I don't know anything about this. Fuck. That's rule number one of prepping for doomsday. Don't tell anyone your plan. Even your nearest and dearest.

Fuck, how's that? He's doomsday prepping. He's getting ready for the apocalypse. His plan doesn't involve me. He hasn't built a space for you. Fucking, and you're an only child. Exactly, yeah. Jesus Christ, you're his precious cargo.

So, well, this goes back to- You're the only chance Of keeping Carrying on The all soft lineage Yes Yes So this

The only reason I know about this Is because we mentioned this On the show at the time A year ago Dad had a Birthday dinner Yes And he says to me

Hey Why don't you get Dilwook To come along Yeah And I'm like Because I don't want that to happen That'll be not enjoyable for me And we haven't catered enough

Yeah So Dil comes along And then we were talking about it afterwards. He's like, how's your dad's big doomsday set up that he's got in the garage? And I'm like, I've never seen this. But apparently he's stockpiling. He's got canned food, all this packet stuff. Yeah, I don't know about it. Please, you've got homework.

We've got to find out about this. Yeah. I think it's literally just a collection of tinned food that he's got. No, if he's writing a porno, I reckon, you know, your dad's. So you think these two things are working simultaneously. So that's why he's taking so long on the porno. He doesn't want to release it now. He's waiting for the apocalypse.

He's thinking. The porno is so horrifying that he has to maybe go into hiding afterwards. Once he drops that, he's got to, he's the fucking Salman Rushdie of pornos. Salman Thrushdie. There's not enough medicine that's going to fix his sick mind. He's going to go out there and kill the rest of civilization.

Maybe that's, maybe, maybe the porno is part of the doomsday planning because he's thinking, you know, the bombs go off, the banks collapse, we're all in the wasteland, we're all going to need to make a living somehow. All the videotapes are gone, electromagnetic current, no porno has survived. I've just got my script.

I'm going to be the first one out of the bunker with sweet stimulation for all the survivors. So he's very quickly gone and bought all the bottled water and the tins of food. Now he's just writing a porno. Yeah, now he's writing a porno. He can restart. If he's the one that survives, he can then start civilisation again

and he's got everything. And he's got the porno because that's why he's taking so long because it's going to need to be a hell of a porno because there's probably some kind of radiation thing. So people are walking around with like three dicks that they've got to pleasure all at once. So they've got to really have some good stuff ready to go. They're probably sterile.

And so this is the only thing horny enough to get people fertile again. Wow, my dad's a genius. I get off this podcast and just call him all in tears. He's a genius. I love you, Dad. Genius slash deviant. Come on, everybody everybody to the monkey enclosure I built a basement in

there's a bunker underneath that nobody knows about he's going to be the Hugh Hefner of the next civilization why did he tell you anything about it like what was his

motivation for the the doomsday stuff no I haven't I haven't I keep forgetting I haven't asked him since I've never heard anything about this

Dill got a private tour of my dad's doomsday bunker. I've never even been told about it. Wait, so he's just stockpiling like food and water and the stuff you need to survive. Yeah. Maybe if like stuff you wouldn't be able to afford to buy if somebody bled you dry of all your money. Very good.

I was thinking maybe it's like that's why he's shown Dill so he gets Dill interested so why he's shown Dill, so he gets Dill interested so that he can lure Dill in. It's like that's better than canned food. It turns to cannibalism and that's a hell of a carcass. Here's act three of the porno. It's going to keep you going for a long time. Yeah, exactly.

That'll outdo radiation. You'll still be going. The whole earth will be fine to re-inhabit and you'll still be like,'ll give it a couple more weeks i've still got you know dill's arm yeah him and mom him and my mom in the bomb shelter just talking into a glorious feed there was someone who lived next door to a friend of mine who was like a prepper sort of person but all they'd done was like grow a really big veggie garden which is so stupid because like you know how all the plants at chernobyl are real edible? Right.

Like, the first thing that goes is plants. Yeah, yeah. You've got to get cans. Yeah, it's all cans. Yeah. I don't know how much of that is, like, because it's the sort of thing, I don't know how much of that is just him, like, he can't throw anything out.

So it's, like, probably just stuff that was from the pantry that they just never got around to eating that he's just putting there and then that's him trying to be funny yeah he's doomsday prepping with newspapers from 1973

yeah we'll need them yeah man oh no I don't know I think you know you should you should investigate totally

I want to hear this doomsday prepping does your dad listen to this nah thank god okay well then yeah your cover's still intact

go down and like figure it out. Yeah, I need to work it out. Because the other thing was I was trying to get him to go on Hard Quiz on Tom Gleeson's show. And he's not into it. He's like, you know me, I'm too timid, which he's absolutely not. Like if you've met him, he's a fucking big clown. He's got a bow tie.

He wears a bow tie. He wears a bow tie. That's not timid. He's writing a porno and he reckons he's timid. Yeah. Yeah, so I don't know. You can't be timid and have a a bow tie i really loved the idea that he was going to go on hard quiz it would have been but what would his subject be you've got it's like a mastermind well he loves like rolls royce cars right so he's like really into all that stuff right and i asked tom gleason about it and he's like we've if he put in for that right we'd have him on because we've

never had that subject and that's a good one surely if you enter and just pretend to be your dad and then no but then he gets the official you're in surely he won't be able to say no just say

look they want you in yeah if he's backed into a corner he does public speaking like he goes and does like talks and stuff and he's like

too scared to be on the telly fuck yeah it's really weird that's so frustrating because he's got the chance to do much better TV than you've ever done. Exactly.

Yeah. Oh, mate, getting my dad on Hard Quiz wearing a Dum Dum t-shirt. Oh! Can you imagine him in an Andre Briutel t-shirt? Wow. It would be so good. Please. Maybe his subject would be porn.

Yeah. Yeah, Hard Quiz on porn. I don't know how that would go at like 8pm on the ABC. Missionary. What's the biggest dick you've ever seen? I love that idea that every question is, missionary, missionary. What is no Asian man?

All of a sudden it's Jeopardy. Yeah, I don't know. A lot to follow up on there. I'll try and get some answers for next week. You've got a lot of questions for your dad. Man, honestly, try and just enter for him because surely it's online. It is online, yeah. But now that he's actually said, it's that thing where I should have

just done it instead of asking him. Now that I've asked him, it's like what is it better to beg forgiveness than ask him? Is he retired? Excuse me? He's retired. He's retired. He's retired, right? Not yet.

No, not yet. He's not retired. Not retired. What a capable man. Yeah. I guess it's true. He loves his work. He doesn't want to retire.

How's your dad? Your dad not retired yet? Oh, yeah. How's the banana farm going? Yeah, he retired and the banana farm is his retirement. That's how he spends

his retirement. But that's work. I know. He's a crazy man. So he's not retired? No, he's an office man. You're saying your dad's a crazy man So he's not retired No he's an office man You're saying your dad's a crazy man He's a crazy man He is a crazy man

Interesting Why? I wonder if that ever Passes genetically Well look at Tommy Dassler That work ethic surely didn't pass down From father to son right? Do you feel like you got your dad's

Drive or ambition or Yeah Are you as hor you got your dad's drive or ambition? Yeah. Are you as horny as your dad? No, my dad was an office man and then he retired and started a farm. Where did he work in the office? What did he do? He was in China. He was in China for 10 years. What did he do?

For 10 years. He worked for 10 years and that was it? Yeah. I mean, he had his own company and then it didn't work out. Then he went to America for college. Late in life, he had two kids and then he went to college. So he went to college. That's you.

You're one of the two kids. Yeah, mid-30s. He went to college in mid-30s. He came back to Singapore in his, like, 40s. Restarted a career at 40 and then worked for 10 over... What did he do? What did he do? He was, like, a general manager of factories in China.

So what that meant was he yelled a lot yeah right he yelled a lot every day he yelled a lot everything yeah

so yeah again weird weird to see yeah that skipper generation yeah I think I mean that didn't get past me

no is it true that bananas might go extinct I read as the son of a banana farmer please answer this global question yeah I read something to get past me now. Is it true that bananas might go extinct? As the son of a banana farmer, please answer this global question. Yeah, I read something about bananas are in trouble but his bananas are different.

His isn't white people bananas. Oh, okay. They're reading Deslo's Dad's Porno. They're multiplying. His are like Asian bananas. They're different. They're closer to plantains

than bananas. They're big bananas. They're big bananas. Because all the bananas that apparently people used to eat like in the 50s when you were a teenager, Carl. How old are you? I'm 28. Going on 45 with the way I look.

Carl is 45 going on 45. Not 45. But like all those bananas. I like that Moxie saw the train coming for him and just threw himself down on the track. Yeah. Just ban me. Take me out. I'm not prepping threw himself down on the track. Yeah, I'm not... Just ban me, take me out.

I'm not prepping for doomsday. When it comes, I'm running towards that mushroom cloud. Your parents have got you in the shelter. You're like, no, I know what I deserve. Get me out. See you later. I'll sing Kumbaya and turn into a cockroach or whatever happens. That's how lazy you are when you see the mushroom cloud coming.

You go, good, because I couldn't be fucked killing myself. Yeah. I say running towards it I'll jack a car and drive that's but that's genuine it's like those you know those zombie shows and stuff where it's like the whole world's fucked and everyone's like walking around trying to fight the zombies and fight to survive what are you wanting to survive

it's the world shit now yeah just give in become a zombie Tommy very give me up on life there maybe you should you, not rethink that. Okay, in the zombie apocalypse, he'll take your advice on board. You have a lot to live for. I don't think Lifeline exists after the zombies come on. They're the only thing left.

Or they're just working around the fucking clock. Just constantly going. Yeah, I don't know. I don't have that survival instinct either It does depress me a bit I watch that and go, yeah, what's the point? All you're going to do is fight off zombies to then fight off zombies again Unless you can be like a warlord You know what I mean?

If I could have a gang and live like Mad Max That's what it is, that's what all those shows are. It's just everyone's wanting to become the warlord. But anyone who's really into like The Walking Dead especially, that's such a boring show that if you watch that so much, then your life is so dependent on that entertainment that you wouldn't be able to survive after it was gone.

Does that make sense? No. I'm not going to re-explain it. You're saying that survival television. I don't think anybody who watches that much TV has enough survival instinct. Oh, okay. You know what I mean? So you're saying people who love stuff like The Walking Dead,

they think that when that scenario happens, they're like, well, I'm prepped for this. Yeah, I know what I'm going to do. I'm setting up a bunch of treadmmills or in a circle around my house. Yeah. So the zombies just trip whenever they get to them. Yeah. Or whatever.

Is that an actual idea? Yeah. You set up a circle of treadmills facing the wrong way. Was that in the show? I don't think so. I think this is just an idea you've had. An internet thing. I saw it somewhere.

I haven't bothered planning for that. I'm setting a heap of rakes up like Bart did to Sideshow Bob in The Simpsons. That will protect me from all the zombies. It's like the second most common fear now, apparently. Zombies. Zombies for males specifically. I thought that was your way of killing yourself, getting on a treadmill. How do you think you'd go in the wasteland, Ronnie?

I think I'd be okay. I think I'd probably get choked. You'd just walk away from them. Yeah, I'd get choked. I'd be okay. I think I'd probably get choked. You'd just walk away from the woman. Yeah, I'd get choked. I'd walk away. I'd be like, what the fuck? We wouldn't say a word.

I wouldn't have to talk to anyone. It'd be great, yeah. Maybe that woman was a zombie. I mean, she grabbed your head. She's going for the brain. Yeah, she's going for the brain. And then it seemed like she didn't really have

the mental capacity to deal with you just walking away from her. No, it turns out zombies, the weaknesses are shooting them in the head and just walking away.

To be fair, that's a weakness of a lot of things. No, but just saying no to a zombie, no one's ever tried it. No, just don't give consent. Oh, yeah, right. That's the one thing they still understand is consent. Now this whole Harvey Weinstein thing has come around, it's a lot easier to defeat the zombies. Yeah, dude, this Harvey Weinstein thing

I hope it burns out all the generation of assholes get them all out all these decision makers burn that shit all out baby boomers let's go

all the dodgy comedians for sure yeah everyone burn it all out we give a lot of shit to millennials but at least one good thing they do is

they didn't put up with this shit so I gotta give them that yeah I agree there's a lot of dodgy millennials around as well yeah there are one good thing they do is they didn't put up with this shit. So I got to give them that. Yeah. Yeah. I agree. There's a lot of dodgy millennials around as well. Yeah, there are.

They're going to be burnt out. There is. But I think this culture, right, that we don't put up with. Is this the episode when we name them all? Is this the one? Oh, my God. This is it. This is prickly territory.

I can't believe I'm saying this. Let's go back to talking about my dad writing about fucking people. Let's get back into talking about my dad writing about fucking people. Let's get back into safer waters. All right. All right. I'll do it at a live show. I've got a big list of all the people that are out.

So, you know, when you come to a new show. Fucking hell. Coincidentally, none of them gave you wedding presents as well. Yeah, I don't know. This seems like something that would have come up on the show before, but let's say we all get an announcement now, in 24 hours' time, the world's ending. Carl Chandler, what do you do? Those 24 hours, what are you using it to do?

Well, eight hours is the flight to Thailand, I guess. They're, what, like three hours behind as well? Oh, yeah, cool. So that's only five hours gone. I'm making myself hours. It's like in eight hours time. So it's the same time in every country. So it's not just the world blows up.

If you get on a fast enough plane, you can dodge it. You just do a lap of the explosion forever. Poor New Zealand cop at first. It's just a bunch of desperate Kiwis for 24 hours just racing against their fate the whole time until you get to like wherever is the other side of New Zealand that is just way overstocked

with travellers by the end of the 24 hours. A bunch of New Zealanders leaving New Zealand and no one notices. There's heaps of them in our country still. Where's the first, like what's the first country on the dateline? I think it's an island somewhere. It's an island somewhere. It's basically New Zealand.

Right. Because it's like every, like on the first of the year, the news, there's always that like, there's always like they love it. Like look at these guys. They got to have New Year's Eve. Look at them over there celebrating. They're in 2018. What's it like?

It's almost as if this doesn't happen every single year slash day for that matter. Yeah, yeah. But it's a good news story over the other side of the world because it's a different time. They're having lunch over there and they're seeing someone getting really tanked in New Zealand. Fucking fuck Christchurch, yeah!

Yeah, but every year. There must just be the news crew just permanently positioned. It's the same with Halloween and Christmas and stuff. Every time they come around, they're like, all the kids are dressing up. I'm like, yeah, it's Halloween. Yeah.

Or it's Christmas. Yeah, man. Oh, man, because I do some work for the project and it's like you see people struggling for news. It gets to a Monday and you're like, all right, what are we going to talk about on a Monday nothing because nothing happened on Sunday everyone took the day off

literally there's nothing to report on that'd be a great episode of the project to write for the day after you get the 24 hour notification that the world's going to die they still do the show what do you reckon his take on it is but you're in there going, I'm doing this

day's work. The money's not going to fucking come through before the world ends. What was the point? I'm not on

Friday tie day. You're filming it on the plane, by the way, as well, as you're racing around the world. Yeah,

it's such an interesting thing to think about. What would you do, Ronnie? 24 hours left? You've got 24

hours left. Oh, man. Well, let's not say the world's ending. Let's say you specifically, you just know, you're dying. Well, let's not say the world's ending. Let's say you specifically, you just know you're dying in a…

Well, first thing I do is do a two-hour podcast with you guys. Yeah, yeah. If that's worth it. That's your legacy. Yeah. Then, I don't know, man. I feel like I should… I feel like I need to go back to Malaysia, right?

Is that home? Is that… Because I remember a thing, someone saying a thing where you've got like a little beacon inside you and the further away you get from your home, the sort of worse you sort of feel and you've got a home base somewhere. So is that Malaysia for you? I think you're thinking of pigeons. Yeah, I don't know.

Where do I go home? Do you want to spend that time traveling though? Yeah, that's the other thing. I probably just have decision paralysis and then just get frustrated in my house about like, what am I going to do? And then that's it. Yeah, play NBA for a couple of hours

no no NBA 2K yeah go on the internet probably get angry at trolls and bloggers read some blogs yeah read some blogs

do you reckon if you woke up the morning scroll through my feed like that's like 24 hours left alright scroll through this feed

real quick not attending not attending maybe do you reckon if you woke up the morning that you knew you were going to die the next day, would you have a shower before you left the house? Yeah. I don't think I would.

I want to take every bit of time. When you're scrolling on Facebook, would you see the event for the apocalypse and go, not attending? Fucking done it. That's our work. Defeated it. Sorry, guys. I've got another thing that night.

Guys, the apocalypse is happening. So, I mean, if you can just let us know for numbers, for catering, we just really need to know. Hey, anyone who's still coming, we've actually moved to New Zealand first. I'd have a shower, yeah. I'd want to feel fresh. I wouldn't take too long in there. I'd cut the time down, but, you know.

I would freak out and I would run around and fucking break windows and steal shit and then go, why do I need this? Yeah, yeah. But, like, so you're one way, you just know that you're dying in 24 hours. I try and find like the top of a mountain somewhere, nice little sunset and... Try and find the top of a mountain.

I can't find one. Just walking to a corner, is this it? Oh, fuck, this is the top of a mountain. Also, at the end of the 24 hours, do you like pass away peacefully or do you like explode? How does it end? You get to choose. I get to choose?

You get to choose. Yeah, then just go in your sleep. It's fine. Okay, you wouldn't want to explode? No. Walk into spleen? Explode and make the last... Explode dick first?

Go to an enemy's house for your last thing and walk in and go, What's up, motherfucker? Kaboom. And then your blood's all over their walls. If you're going to go, you probably just do whatever you want, right? You explode, but it's like it's not a big, it's not like a bomb, and it's

not your remains. It's just you go pop, and then you don't exist. I'd want to do it on stage. I wouldn't tell people. I'd do a gig. I'd make sure I'm right at the end of a set, and then I'd go, anyway, that's it for me. Just gone. Yeah, Bilbo Baggins. You know what? You can't do it at the start of your set because you can't follow them. Close with your best gear.

Exactly. You actually face this situation. You stared down death many a time as a little teenager. Well, once, but yeah. Yeah, that's why you look like this. Yeah. Is that why I look like this? I think it's everything I've done after this, the reason I look like this.

And then you did not make good choices. Well, it's living life to the fullest, which is a result of… That's one way to look at it. That's also lowering your natural lifespan by living like shit is another way. Hey, I've seen the light and it looks sweet. I just want to get there quick in it. So what did you do when you faced it down?

Well, I wasn't really super aware of what was going on. Like I didn't really have… For people who don't know, a little bit of context, Tommy Daslow had cancer. Yes, and that's what we're talking about. Yeah, when I was 10. So I was kind of kept in the dark about what was going on. So I didn't really know.

Like I didn't have much concept of. First of all, you stopped smoking those packets of cigarettes every day. Yes, yeah, and you're in the hospital so that's hard to do. It's hard to get access to them. Go on the roof. Anyway. That's hard to do. It's hard to get access to them.

Go on the roof. Anyway. Yeah, I honestly don't really remember being fully aware. At some point you knew. It was like, oh, shit, I'm really sick. Yeah, but I think I knew when I was having the bone marrow transplant because you're in an isolated room and only my mum and dad were allowed in. Grandparents, friends can't come in the room. They just have to look at you through a window.

So you're just there like with nothing. Why? Because it's not catchy though, is it? No, but it's me. Like so I'm super susceptible. If anyone's got like – I've got no immune system. So if someone has a cold, I could catch it and just like it could fucking kill me. Right.

Stuff like that. Right. So it's like heaps of people from my class came in because my i had my birthday in there like my 11th or 12th birthday a bunch of my classmates came in and they had a cake and they couldn't come into the room so i just had to look at them through a window and they're like isn't this a nice thing that we've done i'm like not really this is just making me feel a lot worse like i'm very surprised you don't remember specifically which birthday it was. I feel like in that situation I'd be able to say my 11th birthday.

Was your 12th also quite bad? You clearly blocked them. I guess I got it when I was – it would have been 11th. I got it when I was 10 and then I think I was better by the time I was 12. I feel like you blocked it out. Probably blocked it out. Yeah, believe it or not, I can't remember exactly how many candles there were on that cake.

I couldn't see through the tears in my eyes. Yeah, but you stared it out. Yeah, believe it or not, I can't remember exactly how many candles there were on that cake. Couldn't see through the tears in my eyes. Yeah, but you stared it down, the situation we're talking about. You actually stared it down. Granted, with someone with not a lot of experience in life to know what they could do in that limited time. Yeah, yeah. I do think about, I mean, it would be such a different

thing to get when you're 20 or whatever. But you have no concept of mortality or your dreams or aspirations. How to masturbate? Yeah. Is that what you said? Yeah, at that age you don't know what's up. Yeah, but that was his make a wish to find out how to do it.

So his dad sits him down and goes, I've written this. This will teach you everything you need to know. Oh, my God, I wish for this. Maybe it's a manual that he's writing. That would be good. So he started it back then. Yeah. In case you couldn't

figure it out. In case the treatment got rid of the part of my brain that learns how to masturbate. I'm going to have to put my son into rehab to get him back on the horse, so to speak. Oh, man. What's making you angry, Runny? You're an angry

man. What's making me angry? At the moment. You're always on social media angry about bloggers. What are you talking about? I'm not angry at bloggers. Because you are. What do you mean? That's the only thing you ever talk about on social media. No, that's not true.

You're angry at bloggers. That's not true. I retweet guys. No, you don't. I retweet podcast events. No, you don't. You never retweet us. How do you feel about this?

Are you going to retweet this episode? Sure. All right. We'll see. We'll see, yeah. I'll show you. I'll put this on a blog and you can retweet us. How do you feel about this? Are you going to retweet this episode? Sure. All right. We'll see. We'll see, yeah. I'll show you. I'll put this on a blog and you can retweet that. What, you love bloggers?

I don't even think there are bloggers. You're always talking about bloggers. Are there any bloggers anymore? I just get really irritated with bloggers masquerading as journalists and essentially pumping out all this stuff with the credibility of this organization

behind them when actually they're just bloggers. They don't know what they're talking about. Why do we care what the IT guy in Brisbane thinks about comedy?

No one cares except you. Except for me, yeah. He's given this platform. I just think it's stupid. Is there an IT blogger? An IT blogger? I think an IT guy like years ago,

the Western Australian or it was either Brisbane or Perth, like an IT guy like years ago the Western Australian or it was either Brisbane or Perth like the IT guy from this newspaper like came down to review the comedy and I was like

why do we care what you think about comedy imagine like an IT guy talking about comedy or like a comedian talking about politics on a show

it's a weird thing to do why would you do that if you're a comic comic politics what do you know about politics you've never been in a position where you had to organize people I do. Why would you do that? If you're a comic, I'm a politics. What do you know about politics? You've never been in a position where you had to organize people? I agree.

Why? Why would you do that? You're a lawyer that decided to do comedy. You're allowed to do different things. Yeah, but I think you get qualified in something before you talk about it. What's your favorite law? That's the dumbest question. What's your favorite law? What's your favorite law? That's the dumbest question. What's your favorite law?

What's your favorite emotion? Happy. That's easy. Fine. That was a bad example. He just tried to think of something he didn't understand. The most complex thing there is. Case dismissed.

You're a witness, fuckhead. What are you angry about? Are you angry about anything? What am I angry about? I don't think I'm angry about anything. I only get angry about what? You rarely get angry. You keep a pretty cool head. No, I get angry.

No, you keep a cool head. You deal with a lot of shit pretty well. I book rooms. I have to deal with a lot of idiot comedians. You can be pretty even cute. Tommy as well. You don't really get mad. I've never seen you furious.

Tommy doesn't get mad. Yeah, I don't get mad. I get mad. I have a lot of reasons to get mad, but I keep my cool. People have a lot of reasons to get mad. You saw me at my maddest recently where I kicked a bin in the Sydney airport when we missed our flight. That was great.

It wasn't recently. It was actually on the trip that was funded by Ronnie Chang. Why did you kick a bin? He wasted your money. He wasted your money. It wasn't recently. It was actually on the trip that was funded by Ronnie Chang. Why did you kick him? He wasted your money. He wasted your money. You sponsored the episode. To be fair, as soon as I gave you the money, it was wasted. Yeah, we missed our flight in Sydney because we were sitting at the wrong –

we were sitting at two flights that left within five minutes of each other at gates that were like two gates apart and we were sitting at the wrong one. Right, both going to the same place. Both going to Melbourne, yeah. But that's your fault, man. That's on you. Oh, absolutely.

This bin looked like the other bin. No, it was just by the time we ran to the other gate and we saw that the flight had left and we couldn't get on, I was just furious and just the bin. The bin was the nearest thing. It was bin or car. And then when you kick the bin, the police immediately come and escort you. Well, that's the thing.

Then you realise like firing up in the airport, not a smart move. No, you can't. How's this? I went somewhere recently. I went through security at the airport and this guy in front of me, his bag goes through and the scanner people stop him and they go, they point at the X-ray and they go, hey, what's this thing in your bag? And he goes, oh, that's my hunting knife. And you look at the X-ray and it go, hey, what's this thing in your bag? And he goes, oh, that's my hunting knife.

And you look at the x-ray, it's like this fucking giant orange thing on the screen and they go, yeah, you can't bring that on the plane. They go, that's not a knife. This is a knife. And he goes, oh, yeah, whoops, I was meant to, sorry, I was meant to put that in my check on baggage. And it's like even so, like just getting to your next destination and whipping out the big knife out of the Samsonite.

Yeah, yeah. Crocodile Dundee shit. It's Crocodile Dundee level. But just the way he was trying to be so like, whoops-a-daisy, chucked me big old fucking katana in there. I need your knife as well. Like I've got to have that on carry-on. I need the knife when I get to the other end.

But the other thing is the weird bit was like the X-ray people were so collected, were so calm about, like, you've just busted someone trying to get a knife onto a plane. They're like, hey, what's this? Well, hey, not to be an inconvenience, but you actually, a bit awkward, you can't take that on the plane, mate. Hey, mate, no bottled water and that knife fucking thing as well. Honey knife as well. Like, that shit is made to kill people.

Yeah. It's got, like, grips for your fingers. It's not a kitchen knife. It's made to do one thing. It looked like a cartoon. Looking at the thing of it on the x-ray where you just see this perfect outline of it, it's like, why do you even need to ask this guy? It's clearly a big fucking knife. This guy walking through with a big

Jumanji Safari hat. A monocle smoking a pipe. Excuse me, but what's this? I don't have time to explain. Quick, roll these dice. It's the end of the world. I'm trying to outrun the apocalypse, all right? I need this knife in case it catches up and I can stab it. Well, I guess we'd better wrap that up for another episode

of The Little Dum Dum Club. Ronnie Chang, Adam Knox, thank you so much for joining us. Thanks for having me, man. Ronnie, I think your tour might be done by the time this goes out. Yeah, I really appreciate the promo. But you don't need it, right? You'll be sold out. I'll be okay, yeah.

In case it's still going on, I think I'm doing a show Sydney Sunday, and then Monday Brisbane, Wednesday Melbourne, Himahaw, and then Friday Perth. And if you go along and you've got a blog, let Rip about the show on there. Just come on and blog about it. It doesn't matter how much comedy you've seen before. If you know gardening really well, get along. Noxy, what have you got?

You and I do a podcast about video games. Enough of the podcast. People want to listen to that. Filthy Casuals comes out every week. You're also in Chimp Cop. Yep. Beloved Melbourne sketch group. We'll be doing stuff in the comedy festival, I guess,

is the next thing. I'm in Sydney at the Comedy Store in December if you want to come to that. Oh, yeah, with me. With you as well. Yeah. Cool. Adam G. Knox on Twitter.

Don't look at me like I've got more shit going on. Because you know well that I don't. At Adam G. Knox on Twitter. Is your name on there still Kevin Sorbo? Because that was confusing people. Yeah, I think I changed that. Because a lot of people really thought I was Kevin Sorbo. That's what I want to do on Twitter.

I want to do a fake account where it picks someone of that ilk. Golem. Of that ilk. Golem. Someone of that ilk that hasn't used their app thing yet. Yeah, you look like Golem. Go with Golem. What do you look like?

I don't know. I look like... Don't say it. A lot of people don't know I look like don't say it a lot of people yeah look like a lot of people a lot of fucked people who don't get laid

yeah you look like not a porno yeah you look like no one's ever paid for you to have sex readily chocable

well guys we've got all our stuff on sale which you will have heard in the ad littledumbdumbclub.com thanks very much for joining us and we'll see you next time.

See you, mates. Oh, what a wonderful time we just had in Chang Towers. I love Ronnie. He's my favourite guest of all time. Did you enjoy this episode? It was all right. Me too. I think we've got to – usually it's just a Ronnie attacking us fest

and the full – I don't think we mentioned this, but we actually spent the full afternoon with him before that. We were sort of out at a sort of a barbecue-y sort of event and I think he got all of his jabs out of the barbecue and he was just tired. Yeah, it was a bit like that. It was a bit rope-a-dope. He was back on the ropes.

You see he got all of his jabs out? Whoa. Who the fuck is that? Well, special guest today for the Patreon read, it's Dilruk Jai Singer. Hello. Boo. I was like, I'm going to keep chatting, but then I'm going, jabs, jabs, I have to come in. Yeah, I don't think you had to do that at all.

I would have preferred if you hadn't. Yeah, I would have said the word had would be more applicable to I had better not say that. What did you think of this, Epdil? Oh, it's fantastic. Thank you. Favourite line? Three of your favourite quotes.

G'day, dickheads. Okay, that's a good one. All right, he heard it. I definitely heard it. Definitely heard it. I thought he hadn't heard it, but he has. I listened to it all. So thank you for joining

us for this. Thank you. Thank you for having me. What a fun thing to be part of on a very hot, sweaty day. Yeah. Keen listeners of the show heard those drops of perspiration at the start of the episode. Hey, for everyone

hanging around, thanks for hanging around. We said at the top of the show to come and see the live shows, but yeah, look, how exciting is the whole Costa Moe thing happening again? Dil, you went this year. Very exciting times. We only just, we did, we haven't mentioned this, we have officially sent out the official tour video, I guess you call it. Yeah, the documentary.

The vlog. Yeah. The vlog. The vlog. So to everyone who contributed to the 2017 KosoMui Podcast Festival, we sent out like an hour-long video, I guess it was. And if you were someone who didn't contribute, is there a way to purchase the video?

Yeah, we don't have an official sort of button anywhere, but if you message us on any of the socials or if you email us, we are selling copies for $10 that go towards the next KosoMui International Podcast Festival that's going to be in 2018. And it looks great. And if you're a horny young man who's worked his way through all the breasts on RedTube, you can get out, Doc, and see a lot of Dilruch's breasts jiggling down the beach.

There's a lot more of my tits than I remembered. There's an arse shot of mine, I think, as well. There is an arse shot of yours. There's a bit where – I need to talk to you about this. There's a bit where you're running along the beach, you're in your board shorts, and you kind of run into the camera. Correct. The camera is at a low angle.

And I've got to tell you, this outline that you've got going on in the board shorts does not leave much to the imagination. Oh, really? It's one of the most horrific things I've ever seen. Wow, you just sold a few more copies of this video. I felt like the ring, like I'm going to die in three days now that I've seen this. But it's like I always couldn't look past the jiggling boobs and the stomach. I had to to stop myself from feeling ill.

I was like, I'll cast my eyes down. Little did I know. Dassler's not a boob man, he's a gunt man. That's really interesting because I have a very tiny dick. Oh, God. Well, maybe it's just the way the fabric of the board shorts is falling, but you watch it and you tell me. I might be a hernia.

Any tech-savvy listeners out there, if you can make a gif of just that bit going back and forth, I'd love that. No, I'm very uncomfortable. They've paid $10. This is fair use. They can do whatever they want with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sweating even more.

Yeah, yeah. You should use the footage you put on. Have you been paying attention? You're always bringing stuff like that on that show. I must bring the next jiggling. Bring that on and give us absolutely no credit as usual what everyone else does. It's so funny.

I can't remember a couple of appearances before I mentioned. I think I said I'll feel this one or whatever on Have You Been and you were like, how fucking dare you steal my material? I'm like, man, I sneak in a Dum Dum reference in every episode. I think I did a She'll Be Back once. Oh, yeah, cool. Yeah, yeah. It's like my little Easter egg for the listeners.

Well now there's absolutely no reason for them to get us on. Yeah, all that good shit's been burnt. I imagine if you guys just showed up and just kept doing dum-dum references. Why are these guys ripping off Dill? But yes, a great time

in 2017 at the Curse of Mui Podcast Festival. It was an amazing time. It was probably one of my... Lots of you and me having a few very nice chats sitting in the ocean. Yeah. Having a good old chin wag. We had some great chats. Kyle and I went for some massages.

A lot of bonding. It was great. Really good. It was probably the highlight of my life. One of the highlights of my life. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, so it's all happening again in 2018. So believe it or not, I honestly didn't think it was going to happen again.

Of all people, I should be the one pushing for it. I was like, no, this is not realistic. Not only that, like, fuck, heads up, I think there's more hotel rooms being sold. I can confirm this. Already than last year. I believe they're building new rooms just to accommodate the

new bunch of listeners. Hopefully it fills the whole resort. Hopefully we fill the whole thing because I'm a little bit scared. Like say there's three rooms that aren't our people. And then just this fucking circus going on. They'll come around. Those people will end up. They'll have to.

But you know how you were worried about before the first one where the shit's going to go down and go bad and we got through it fine. Not worried, expecting it to happen. And nothing happened, right? And now you're rolling the dice again. How do you feel your chances are? I think it's just like we keep going back there until we

fuck it. It feels like we have unfinished business over there. We aren't dead yet. No one got arrested, no one died or got injured. So that's going to be great. And, of course, thank you to everyone who continues to chip in to the Patreon each week. We have a regular segment on here where we read out people's names who contribute to say thank you on top of all the other sweet rewards

that you get, including a bonus magazine, a bonus episode. Now, we tend to kind of change up. Can I just ask, like, how many are you going to be doing? Well, I was about to, before you cut me off, I was about to say we usually do a different number every week and as we've got a guest in here, I thought maybe we could leave it up to the guest to decide. What do you think about that, Carl?

Oh, okay. Well, I did have a number in mind. Oh, did you? But I guess we can do that next week. Okay. Well, I mean, yeah, this is easy. I don't want to like ruffle any feathers. We'll just go with whatever the number is.

No, no, no. Look, this is the way I was raised. Guess. There's a guess in the house. Let's go with them. Be polite. Yeah, okay. You don't have to name it now.

You know, you can always just cut me off when you're done. This gives us a week off because I knew this was happening with Dil. So normally it's like I spend the whole day just thinking of a number. Like I sit and I spend a whole day just trying to think of one number. That's an interesting looking time sheet. And I got to have the day off today. I didn't have to see – Because you knew that at a right.

I knew someone else was going to be doing it for me. Is that like my background in accounting? Yes. You thought that will come into play. Did you feel a great weight lift from your shoulders? I certainly did. Were you giving Dill a piggyback? It's like, how is this going to tie into me?

You took the scenic route for that part. So I know this is like a, it's a big ask. It's a lot of pressure. Sorry to spring, I hope I haven't sprung this on you. Well, let me just, like, randomly... Oh, I don't know. Shall we... Man, it's just too much pressure. Do you have any... Is there any kind of process

you're going to go through to come up with the number? Well, the number of stone I weigh? Is there any sacred numbers in Sri Lanka? Is there anything... Like eight in China? Yeah. Yeah? The number of...

69 in Sri Lanka. Oh, really? Yeah, it's a big... The number of arms that the elephant thing has? Curry for two. Yeah, how many trunks does Vishnu have? How many lunches did you have today? Really?

I believe the trunk god was Ganesh actually so you fucked up bad there oh was I wrong? yeah yeah yeah wow that's weird it's almost like you don't know anything about Hindu gods from India actually no we have Hinduism in Sri Lanka as well

you know how there's that comedian that's made a doco about Apu on the Simpsons and how he's like kind of racist I thought you said Apu like a collective shit he's made a doco about it boy on The Simpsons and how he's like kind of racist. I thought you said Apu, like our collective shits. He's made a doco about it. Boy, I can't wait for that guy to turn his focus to this podcast.

What's he going to start on, though? Let's talk about Dilruk. He gets driven insane trying to make this documentary about us. Yeah, just the race alone would be issued, then the fat jokes. What a time-coding job. Jesus Christ. Can I just say, back to the documentary, one of my highlights is Tom Ballard standing next to someone

with a very questionable T-shirt. Oh, God. I wish that hadn't made the edit. Me too. Me too. Really? I have to say, paints us all in an appalling light. I'd have to say we had absolutely zero percent creative direction

in that documentary. At no stage did we get asked anything. Not to throw our editor under the bus, but anything that you see in there where you go, well, that seems a bit crook, just know that that wasn't us. I just love how Ballard's face goes, he just puts his arm in the air going, I guess this is happening. Yeah, I don't love that look at all because it's my friend going, this is a very uncool thing that's happening to me.

Well, there's more reasons for you to get the documentary. See the stuff. Come to next year's festival and see the stuff. They definitely will not make the edit of the documentary next year because we'll be exercising more editing rights. Actually, that is a good ad for the documentary because people always say, oh, what did you cut out? And we go, oh, we're not going to show you what we cut out.

Well, if you buy the documentary, you will see all the stuff that we would have cut out. If we'd had anything to do with our own documentary. Alright, gentlemen. Let's get down to brass tacks. How many names are we doing this week?

Look, shall I just say randomly? Okay. Eeny, meeny, miny, moe. Five, maybe? Can we do five? Kyle, can I talk to you for a second? Okay. Hang on.

Put down the cone of silence. This fucking guy. We invite this guy in here and he pulls a fucking move like this. Yeah, I was going to say to you, not very cool. What do you think about this? I mean. This guy doesn't get it. Does this guy get it?

I thought it was pretty obvious we didn't want to do five and then he comes in and goes, do five. Yeah. Fucking tip our podcast upside down. I mean, it's not like this guy comes in here. It's not like we're going to suddenly do a number that we've never done before. Who does he think he is? What are we going to say to him when the cone goes back up?

Who's going to take it, me or you? You take this one. So we just roll with it? Guys, are you done in there? I guess we just got to roll with it. All right. Hang on. And we're back.

Hey, Dil. So what are you guys talking about? We were just talking about – there's actually a very funny name coming up. Oh, wow. That's handy. Yeah. So I was just warning Daslo. Oh, cool.

So nothing about me? About you? No. Whoa. Jeez, you are so vain. You probably thought that cone of silence was about you. All right. All right.

We're doing five. All right. Fuck it. We're doing four. All right. Fuck it. We'll do five then. But just so you know, this is the last time. Enjoy this because it's the last time you're ever being invited back in here. Oh, whatever. All right. Fine.

You had your big chance and you blew it. All right. So thank you to Patreon subscriber Nakul Lega. Okay. Yeah, Lega Ledger. Okay. Yeah, Legha. I feel like you should have collected all your ethnic sounding names and waited for me to be on the page and then I can help you through it. How would you pronounce that?

Oh, no, that's not one of mine. That's from Nakul Legha. Yeah. Nakul. N-A-K-U-L Legha. Well, I got to say, appropriate first name because you choosing five, Nakul, man. Nakul.

You should just Leg it go. Oh, well, this has just paid for itself. That's great. That's great. Nakul. Nakul. Nakul, Legger. Yeah, definitely doesn't – I can't pick the heritage from that.

You've said before, Carl, that some people, when they subscribe, will make a note of, please don't read my name out. How many of them are really ethnic-sounding names where clearly the reason they don't want it read out is because of the racial vilification that we subject them to? No, I haven't got many

of them lately. Okay. Yeah. Because this guy, I mean, I feel bad. This guy put in a request. All girls? Right. It could be a girl. Yeah. Because this guy, I mean, I feel bad. This guy put in a request. All girls? Right. It could be a girl. Yeah. I guess it is 2017. There are girls these days.

So you're right. Not cool, man. He is a person that's hit me up the old squeaky wheel himself. Right. I haven't copped this one yet. So you're copping it now. Well, yeah. I mean, I kind of, I would generally feel bad.

But if he's requesting it, that's why. Do you reckon Nakul Leggo, do you think he's, I mean, I kind of, I would generally feel bad, but if he's requesting it, that's why. Do you reckon Nakul Leggo, do you think he's, you know, he gets to the schoolyard and people are trying to make him feel at home? The Nass schoolyard. In the what? The Nass schoolyard. Yes. And do they give him a bit of a, is he called Nackers?

Oh, yeah. Oh, just, oh, Leggo. Because it's his last name. But he's got cool in there. Surely he'd get cool. Cool in the gang. Yeah. Everything is Nakul in the gang.

Yeah. No, I like knackers. I think you'd get knackers. Knackers. Let us know, Nakul. Cool yourself. Knack yourself. There we go.

We got it. There we go. We got it. Thanks, knackers. We got it. Thanks, knackers. Thank you it. Thanks, Knackers. Thank you, too. And again, I'm going to need your help with the pronunciation of this one.

Okay. Thank you, too. Can you take that one? Jared? Yep. What was that last name? Anderson? Jared Anderson.

Right. Okay. I'm glad you got that one. Anderson. I didn't want to offend you or anything. Is this one of yours? Yeah. I think it's one of yours, actually.

To be fair, I think there's a big chance his nickname was Knackers as well. Yeah. Jared Anderson. The old J-A-R-E-D, which I believe is the same way that the infamous subway pedophile spelled his name. I was wondering whether we'd bring him up. Yeah. The freshest of eaters himself.

Yes. Jared from Subway. He's a – oh, I just thought of this. Jared Anderson or his version, Jared had a son. Is that something? Is that something? Yeah, he had a son. Yeah.

Because he's a pedophile. Yeah, but did he – oh, he had someone else's son. Yeah, yeah, sure. Very good. You like that? Very nice. Well, I might edit that out and put that in the documentary. J.A., you happy with the initials, Tommy?

Because you don't, why don't you like alliterations? As a listener. This is an alliteration. I know, I know. That's just two initials. I know, but it reminded me about how you don't an alliteration. I know, but... That's just two initials. I know, but it reminded me about how you don't like alliterated names.

So J.A. is better than J.J.? Yeah, that's what I mean. So if it was like Jared Janderson, you'd be... No good. I don't think he'd be too happy with that either. Let's go through all the names it could have been. Jared Banderson. Jared Canderson. Jared Danderson. Danderson's good. Slightly better. Ierson Jared Danderson Danderson's good

slightly better I like Jared Fanderson I think that sounds pretty cool Jared E. Anderson skip to that one Manderson Manderson yeah

hate to be rude pretty boring name all of it Jared Jared's that's interesting enough he shares the same spelling with yeah

that's interesting because he spells the same shares the same spelling with a famous pedophile. Who do you reckon are the top five most famous pedophiles? Rolf. You reckon Rolf cracks? Like global. Michael Jackson always has the asterisk around him. Is he a confirmed pedophile? Well, I mean, not ever been tried for it by a court.

Like, not ever been convicted by a court. I've just been travelling and I was listening to you boys at one airport. I think it was the Indian airport. And I was so angry because one of you said that Michael Jackson's Bad is not a good album. Could have been me. I don't know.

Are you serious? Like, the album that has Smooth Criminal in there. Yeah. Probably his greatest song of all time. I think we said it wasn't as good as Thriller, maybe. been me i don't know are you serious like the album that has smooth criminal in there yeah probably his greatest song of all time i think we said it wasn't as good as thriller maybe is that what we said maybe english is my second language sometimes i get lost i'm quite happy to to you know for you to stick up for the world's famous most famous pedophile though and great of you to mention the specific airport you're into really painted a picture in the story i was just like it was just a weird moment for me to a picture in the story. It was just a weird

moment for me to get angry in the Indian airport. That's all. Weird person for you to stick up for. Someone who you know. I mean his music. I'm sticking up for his music. He's sticking up for Quincy Jones more than you're sticking up for Jarrett. I'm looking up for the man in the mirror. Oh no, that's me. I reckon I've confirmed

like convicted for it. Gary Glitter. Big Rolf, probably Jared. Yep. You're talking celebrity pedophiles, by the way, aren't you? Famous. We're talking about famous. Famous ones. Yeah, famous.

You're talking more famous celebrities who have then been confirmed pedophiles rather than people purely famous for being pedophiles. Oh, right. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. People that have made the segue halfway through their career.

Those slashies that are out there. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Exactly. You know, like the Big Brother contestants that go into radio. Yes. Like that. It's like actor slash comedian. Yes.

Right. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So you've got Rolf, you've got who? Rolf, Gary Glitter. Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson. But I mean he never got convicted of it. So you're ruling him out?

Well, no, I guess he's still on there. But he's one of the most known ones. He's one of the most known, I guess, yeah. What's his name? Woody Allen? Is he come under pedophile? Let's abandon this thread. I was just thinking that as well.

I was happy to yes end, but I wasn't super happy doing it. It was fun for a bit. Was it? Yeah. No, we had some good lines in there, but we got greedy. We got greedy. Let's say we don't approve of any of the people or the practices that they did at some stage. I would agree with that.

But again, this is the great thing about this bit is that like because we're just kind of free associating off of someone else's name. Jared Anderson. If we end up going down a bad avenue, it's not our fault. We can just blame this guy's parents for giving him this name. The best – but we're going to be on the best out for all this. You get stuck halfway through a five-minute talk about famous pedophiles and then we can just blame this guy's parents for giving him this name the best but we're going to be on the best out for all this you get stuck halfway through

a five minute talk about famous pedophiles and then we can just stop and go thanks Jared yes it's all your fault

Jared it's all your fault Jared if your parents hadn't named you after the subway guy none of this last five minutes

would have happened yeah exactly a very sarcastic thanks Jared but thanks for the money though yeah sarcastic thanks and a literal thanks.

Thank you. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Hayley Pointon. Pointon? Well, I'm pointing at my bank account and it's a little more full thanks to Hayley. I'm pointing at the ton of money that she has given us. Your bank balance is pointing up and up.

Hey, Lee, Lee being the name of my accountant. Oh, yeah. Check out this deposit that's in there. Oh, he's pointing at it. That is quite possibly worse than the pedophile talk. But no jury will convict me because of the quality of my previous body of work. I'd like that if Hayley had a sister, they'd be known as the pointing sister.

Yes, that's very good. I bet she does. I would have money riding on it that she does have a sister. Please, Hayley, let us know. If she doesn't have a... Let us know if your parents rooted more than once and had a child. If she doesn't have a sister, are you prepared? You said you'd put money on it. Are you prepared to refund

her Patreon donation if she doesn't have a sister? Absolutely not. I'm happy to read her sister's name out, though. For free. Gets a freebie. Fantastic. Let us know. What if the money you had to give back is Tommy's share?

Would you put your money on it? Would you put someone else's money on this? That's what I'm asking. The whole Patreon experience is too complicated. I don't know how to do any of that stuff. But Hayley, if you've got a sister, let us know, please. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. Sorry, sister or, you know, brother or gay Uncle Steve or cat or chic or…

MC. MC. Grand wizards. What's this in reference to? Yeah, we don't know. I was just riffing off different titles. The Poyntons. Sounds like a very interesting family.

Yeah, sure. The Poyntons. Yeah. Sorry, I should say this. I was going to ask, have you had a Maharaja Poynton? No, that's the only Poynton I've got so far. I can't look into the future, mate. I don't know what you're thinking.

Well, I thought you were Nostradamus. You should notice by now, Dil, he gets very touchy when you speculate on possible names and connections in family that might be coming up in the future. He doesn't like speculation. He doesn't like to speculate or ejaculate. Hater hypothetical. Yeah. That's an allegation, hater hypothetical.

He's just the conduit. That's just a couple of words. He's just the conduit through which these names come to us. The random name generator comes up. It comes up one name at a time. I can't look any further than that. So give it a rest. Those guys who talk to the dead and stuff like that, they're not really in control of who talks to them. It just happens to them.

They're just a conduit. You're the vessel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm the conduit of Patreon.com. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Cameron McCorrist. Ah, yes. A familiar name on the socials.

Repeat offender on the socials. Would he be almost a pest? I feel like he's nearly a... Oh, you'd put him in pest territory. Ah, no, he seems... Is he all right? Yeah,ender on the socials. Would he be almost a pest? I feel like he's nearly a... You'd put him in pest territory. No, he seems... Is he all right? He's a nice guy. I've got McCam.

He's a nice guy. All right. McOris, though. Whenever I see a name too many times, I think, I must remember that name because they've fucking been a pain in the ass to me. I like having the name wrist in there. Surely you would have got a bit of wristy. McOristy.

Oh, wristies, yeah. McOris. The McRisty. Yeah. Oh, wristies, yeah. The McCristy. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's like if you want a burger or a handjob. McCorrist. Very happy meal. Yes. No, the happy ending meal. Oh, we got there. Great. Thanks, Cameron. I'll tell you what, you wouldn't be having a grimace after

that. Oh, the cumbergler. I swear we've saidglar. I swear we've said that before. I swear we've done that one before. It's like this

show now is all roads just lead to dirty McDonald's jokes. McDonald's and cum. You cannot

have a McRusty before 10.30am, by the way. Nice. Conditions apply. My favourite is the American, the McRisty before 10.30am, by the way. Nice, nice. Conditions apply. My favourite is the American, the McRib job. I was trying to do something with McRib.

I like going to the touchscreens where you can create your own taste and just getting 20 handjobs on top of each other. Much better. I like going through the drive-thru and just hanging my dick out and getting a car. The best part is now Uber delivers remanufactured handjobs to the house. You can get your own Mac as a handjob. Oh, God.

Oh, great. You know what this is? We don't usually are this bad with two people. This is such a good podcast. Having three people causes this, I think. This is trouble. We've got to do this more often. This is the moment in school where we get separated from sitting with each other.

Yes. This is when we each get sat with someone boring, so this doesn't happen again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. So how many has that been? Nicole, Jared, Hayley, Cameron. All right, we've got one left.

There's four. You sure? I'm happy to stop now. According to the fucking – according to his majesty over here, we're doing five. Maharaja, please. Okay, let's do it. Fifth name.

Let's do it. Last name. This is the last one. Then we can get out of here. Last one for this week. Then we can put the old, punch the ticket, put it in the old machine and get the. Fred Flintstone style.

We pull down on the bird's tail and it goes, ah! Yeah, and we put a stone down and then the bird bites a bit of stone out and then I don't know who we show that to, but then we get to leave and go home. Yeah, we get on the dinosaurs back. We get on the old Diplodocus and trek off home. Okay, look, again, I've made a... I know this has been A random name generator

But again I got a lot of Applaudments this week The random name generator I have to say Has gotten very fast In the last few weeks I think the first time

You booted it up It took about 20 minutes To spit a name out Yeah It's been an update Yeah iOS 2 You agreed to the

Terms and conditions Of the update I read them all Yeah Thanks Terms Yeah And I got a lot of Applaudments the terms and conditions of the update. I read them all. Thanks, terms. And I got a lot of plaudits. A lot of plaudits this week for finally...

Ignoring is a hard word for people that are putting in money. But a lot of people have been complaining because they're putting their hard-earned money and there's been a certain family that's been hogging one-fifth of the names. So I've just sort of delayed them. I've put in a little algorithm where they didn't get read out for a couple of weeks. So you're actually messing with the system, the randomness of it.

Well, that's part of the update. It's part of the update. I've got that search function now. Yeah, yeah, right, right. So I can put a filter on. So it's still random, but you're still not in control of what comes through. Yeah, yeah. But you can block some.

I can block. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, so look, if you've got a podcast out there, I heavily recommend this random Patreon name generator for your own podcast. Yeah. For all those podcasts. Yeah.

It's such a great winning idea. Yeah, yeah. So many other podcasts. This has turned into Marin all of a sudden where we're getting a glimpse behind the curtain at the process and how it all kind of happens. Yeah, yeah. This is thrilling stuff. He had Obama on and then he talked about how he was getting Obama.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is interesting. So, I've blocked. Talking dum-dum. I've blocked a certain famous famous for our podcast family from being read out this week. But once I've done this it will blow me down if another famous

family hasn't subscribed this week. Oh my god. So we've opened the door for this famous family. Here we go. Is it the Fritzls? No. So wait, it's a new famous family. Yeah. A family famous outside of this podcast. Someone has subscribed.

Right, right. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Comedy Kardashian. From now... So they're keeping up with your bank account. That's what's good about that.

Okay, now I don't watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians. I do know there are some siblings that are in it and some that don't want to be a part of it. Is that true? Yeah. So is this one, I've only seen bits and pieces of it. I've never seen Comedy Kardashian. I've got the feeling that this may be one of these members of the family

that have, you know, like some members of that family have decided, just sort of flicked the switch and decided to become famous via a sex tape. Oh. I assume that this is a member of the family that's decided to become famous via our Patreon route. Right, right. Something even more disgraceful and embarrassing than a sex tape.

I thought maybe you were saying it was like a sex tape with another famous family member like a, you know, a comedy Kardashian does a sex tape with Grand Wizard Comedy. Right. Maybe something. That wouldn't be incestuous. Because also I'm guessing with like Kim and Kylie, this comedy is spelled with a K? Yes.

It is now. So the Kardashians typically. Hang on. Yep. It is certainly spelled with a K. So Kim, you know, famously married to Kanye West and then a lot of the other sisters are linked to various rappers. Yeah, yeah. Is there…

Lamar, isn't Lamar married to like Khloe Kardashian or something like that? Something like that. Or Baskervilla? Yes, they're all linked to very famous people. So do we know even the gender of Comedy Kardashian? Well, Comedy I would assume is a female name. Okay. I just don't want to assume these days, you know.

But where were you going with this? Well, my question was do we know – I mean you're someone who – you don't mind me saying you quite like the tabloids. I know you watch the morning shows and stuff. Yes. You have the celebrity gossip. Do you happen to know – Massive fan of Larry Ender. Wish we could have him on. Kylie Gillies, and stuff. Yes. We have the celebrity gossip. Do you happen to know? Massive fan of Larry Ender.

Wish we could have him on. Kylie Gillies, massive fan. Yeah. Wish we could have either of them on. You've had Ender before. Yes. Do you happen to know, is Comedy Kardashian linked to any kind of famous rapper or famous entity?

Well, look, it's not my job to spoil, but look, I've got a bit of a feeling. You wonder how people get into our podcast, but maybe got a bit of a feeling. You know, you wonder how people get into our podcast but maybe it's because of a certain relationship with a certain MC comedy. Maybe that's where it's come in. I thought there was rumours that... Maybe there's certainly, maybe there's wedding bells in the air and Comedy Kardashian's about to become

comedy comedy. And I'd be fine with that because it's not alliteration. It's comedy with a K KC KC Yeah yeah yeah Fuck I've suddenly become The Little Dumb Dumb Club's

Entertainment reporter As the entertainment reporter Shouldn't you be like A little bit more Bit more flamboyant I never report on this podcast Because it's not entertaining enough Right right right

You need to be a bit more flamboyant Yeah yeah Like Adam Richard. Like the fabulous Adam Richard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What an interesting way of saying gay. You need to be more flamboyant. Hello chickens. Adam used to always say hello chickens.

You need to have a catchphrase like that when you come in. Hello cunts. Just cuts to test pattern immediately. Again, Larry and Kylie, if you're listening, please. Please. And the guy that you usually have on, who is a 50-carat fuckhead, if you ever give him the ass, get this guy in.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it true there's rumours about comedy Kardashian with Riffing West? That was a bit of a bit of a link up there look that's enough time for this week well you know Kanye you know Kanye had a song on his last album about meeting a model and

her having a bleached arsehole which people think may have been about Kim so I can't wait to see what kind of you know raps MC comedy is going to be writing about Comedy Kardashian in the future. And their arseholes, yeah. And her arsehole.

But also, can't people verify about her arsehole from the sex tape? But that's an old sex tape. Oh, okay. Bleach wasn't existing back then. Well, I don't know how close in you think these angles are getting. Yeah. It's not a fucking professionally filmed porn. Yeah, yeah.

It's not filmed by Google Earth or whatever. Is that your version of professional filming? Yeah, but you can't zoom right in on whatever you want, you know? How close can you zoom in on Google Earth? It's like you've tried. So, wait, how many arseholes have you seen through Google Earth? I've made a lot of pornos myself on Google Earth. It's just you in your backyard

jacking into a satellite. Just the invasion of privacy that the satellite can go through your roof and just see into your house. Anyone who's rooting outside, you can make a porno of. That would be great if Google Earth just turned that on as a feature one day and didn't tell anyone and people just all of a sudden find out that

you can just see into everyone's house. Like The Sims, you can just look down and see what everyone's doing. But they don't announce it. Someone just, some trailblazer just discovers it by accident. The nude mod. Yeah, it's like you type in hot coffee and then it just shows up. All right. Well, thanks, guys, for tuning into the Entertainment Report

within the Patreon read this week. Well, thanks, Comedy Kardashian. Great to hear from another family. Great to mix it up a bit. Variety is the spice of life. Well, thanks Comedy Kardashian. Great to hear from another family. Great to mix it up a bit. Variety is the spice of life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great. I wonder what famous family will join you next week. I know. Well, you know what? That's why people keep tuning in. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is there a sizzle for next week's comedy? There is. I'll do a sizzle right now. If you tune in next week, you might get a name that I have no idea what it'll be at the moment. I think people like this in the same way they like Lost. You know, they don't know what's going to happen week to week. Then when it does happen, they're disappointed.

And then we find out at the end of it all we were all dead. This is purgatory. And certainly this week this is career purgatory. Just like Lost, certainly this week at least there's a big fat guy in it. Sorry. Oh, I would have said he was the island.

Said he's what? I would have said he was the island. All right. So patreon.com. I was going to say there was a burger lost between his decolletage. Patreon.com slash little dum-dum club. If you want to be part of this inverted commas fun, Del Rett, thank you for joining us.

Hey, that last riff broke me. Thank you for having me. You tried to swallow your own throat. Thank you for joining us. LittleDumbDumbClub.com for tickets, merch, all that stuff we have coming up. Guys, thank you very much for listening, and we'll see you next week.

See you, mates. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. I mean, if you want. It's up to you.