The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 374 - Live! Becky Lucas, Nick Capper & Josh Earl

Episode Date: December 5, 2017

We shoved BECKY LUCAS, NICK CAPPER & JOSH EARL into a car for our second live episode in CANBERRA! We go head-to-head with Lorde for a HUGE episode where we discuss Capper's recent gigs on a cruise ship, Becky's dad's invention, Josh's new theme song for the podcast PLUS the long-awaited debut reading of a certain porno!Click HERE to download the MP3Don't forget, we have a bunch of huge live shows coming up:MARYBOROUGH: Is this the worst idea ever? Let's find out! We're doing a live show in Karl's hometown. Tickets here.For tickets, merchandise, links to our Patreon and heaps of other stuff, head to our website: littledumdumclub.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dum Dum Club, we are live from Canberra with guests Becky Lucas, Nick Capper and Josh Earle. But hey, we've got a couple of things to plug before we get into the episode. Very quickly, let's see what's in the little diary for both of us. Hey, weirdly... We share a diary. Yeah. Weirdly, this is very weird, but Newcastle, Newcastle in New South Wales, we are both there, if you're hearing this immediately as it comes out, we are both there within the next week. We are both, but we're not there together, weirdly enough.

It's just a strange coincidence. Yeah. Now, I am there on December the 9th, headlining some show. So look that up somehow. You seem really invested in this gig that you're doing. I know it's in Newcastle. I don't know the full details of it. So it's on my Twitter. It's on my promo. You'll I know it's in Newcastle. I don't know the full details of it.

So it's on my Twitter. It's on my promo. You'll find it if you Google Newcastle and me. And then you're there a few days later. Yeah, I'm there on Wednesday the 13th. And yeah, headlining, I believe the show is called The Big Dog Pod. Right. So that's in Newcastle.

That's going to be heaps of fun. Let me plug this. I'm also going to be in Sydney that weekend doing a live episode of another podcast I do, which is about video games with a friend of the show, Adam Knox. That's a show that I host with him and our friend Ben. We're doing a live episode of that and a Mario Kart tournament. That is Saturday, December the 16th at Cake Wines. If you go to the website for that show, filthycasuals.com. And hey, if you're a listener of this and you're into video games, give that show a go. Because hey, I reckon there's a lot of people and you're into video games, give that show a go because, hey, I reckon there's a lot of people that listen to this pod that are big old

nerds just like me. Like me. I love Qbert. It's the best. So, hey, let's race through it. What else we got? Hey, look, you know what we're about to put on sale? We're doing four live shows in Melbourne next April as we always do

yeah the month of April yeah we're just like celebrating the month of April yeah just seems like a good time to get out of the house every Sunday afternoon just a tiny little self-contained podcast comedy festival that we're running ourselves

yes oh that's cheeky don't know how I feel about that at all okay so we're doing four live shows every week so go to our website these are the ones we do every year they're always massive names they're always packed crowds full houses So we're doing full-on shows every week. So go to our website.

These are the ones we do every year. They're always massive names. They're always packed crowds, full houses, superstar names. We save all the best for that period of time for some reason. And always a great run. The last few years they've been, man, those shows are always so fun. And we also have, so they're all on sale individually, but you can also get a season pass where you can go to all four shows for a discount rate.

Heaps of people snap them up. And, yeah, we often end up with a lot of running things for the month. And, yeah, if all you've ever done is listen at home, it is such a different experience being in the room. And also much more fun. Also, we generally have big names, so it's a cool way to see big names in a small-ish room. For them, yeah.

Yeah, for them. Awesome. So that is now on sale. Get on there. The season pass is a small-ish room. For them, yeah. Yeah, for them. Awesome. So that is now on sale. Get on there. The season pass is a little bit cheaper, so get onto that. Now, closer to now, of course, more, man, fascinating for me, we are going to Maribor to do a live podcast. Now, this is insane for me.

It is on Saturday, January the 13th. So we're going up there on the Saturday nights at 7 o'clock. We do the show. You've got time to drive home after the show if you want to. Otherwise, there are plenty of people staying up there. But man, it is, I'm really looking forward to it. There's going to be a lot of weird things

happen. I want to see the dum-dum army out on the streets of Maryborough, more importantly, just to see the locals freak out. We're probably a big chance of getting front page of the paper the next day, would you say? I wish. I hope so. Unless a new supermarket gets opened that weekend or something.

Oh, you're saying that like that's a joke. That would be massive. That sort of shit is massive. Yeah. No, I was being half serious. We would not beat a supermarket to the front page. There's no way. Great.

Absolutely not. I don't know what would be equal competition for us. I guess maybe if they put like a park bench in the main street, if they put a new park bench in the main street. Well, should we, to cover our bases, should we be looking into doing something while we're there that will be of more interest to the locals than us doing a podcast? Maybe our goal of the trip can be we need to make the front page

of the paper the next day. Yeah, right. Well, the only way to do that is to ring up the paper and tell them to send a photographer down. Sure. Let's do that. They wouldn't sniff it out themselves. Let's do that.

Yeah. Okay. All right. We'll try it. We'll try it. Okay. So that's going to be massive. So come up and see where it all began.

Man, it's going to be interesting. So what else we got on top of that? And then vaguely in the back, and look, we're looking at announcing a few more live shows, but then vaguely looming in the background, of course, is Thailand, is the Koh Samui Podcast Festival featuring the Little Dumb Dumb Club and a second podcast for the very first time

in the long history of the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival. We have added the dollop. So Dave Anthony, Gareth Reynolds are coming along as well. So it's held at the beautiful Ozo Chooing Samui Resort. All the information is at littledumdumclub.com It's got its own page for the podcast festival. Isn't it littledumdumclub.com

slash Koh Samui? Oh, right. I believe it's the direct link. So yeah, that gives you a link to the ticket. It gives you the link to the accommodation and the password to put in to get the sweet discount at the Ozochoang Samui. All the stuff you need to know is right there. And please, yeah, grab both. There's no use you rocking up to Koh Samui

and not having a ticket, not having any of that sort of stuff. So do the right thing because otherwise we will get you deported. Yeah. Oh, you have that kind of power. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to plant drugs on you as well.

So, yeah, you're really going to get fucked up. Like, I appreciate the effort of you coming all the way over, but because you're a bit of a cheapskate, you're going to, you're going to be in jail forever.

So all of that stuff, little dum-dum club.com. If you want to come see us live, do that. It's always super fun seeing you guys out there in the real world. Thank you to everyone who came along to this show that you're about to hear in Canberra. This, another Ripper Live episode, one that we're all very happy with. We were talking on the way up there about like, and it was the same last year.

Imagine driving eight hours to then bomb at the gig. Like it's kind of the nightmare is the fear that you're going to get there and the show just is no good for whatever reason. But this was, yeah, we were all in a great spirits on the drive back because we all had a lot of fun doing this. It was a cracker. Look forward to this. Yeah, so this is great. Enjoy this with Nick Capper, Becky Lucas,

Josh Earle and stick around at the end for the Patreon read. Hey mates! Welcome to the Little Dum Dum Club live in Canberra. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo.

Standing next to me is the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickheads. Canberra 2017, we've done it again. In a way, our nation's capital. In many ways, we've gone down in numbers since last year, so this might be the last time we ever come back. Oh. That's what's calling the business as a warm down.

No, I was trying to make this exciting, because this is the last time you're ever going to... Anyway, whatever. Big shout-out to the Spilt Milk Festival happening down the street. Yeah. Big shout-out to Lorde, who sucked pundas away to her gig. And when I say shout out, I mean fuck you. Just for a second I was like, who went to see Lorde instead of us tonight?

And then I realised that's not a question I can ask you. I think she's on stage literally right now. Oh, really? Yeah. I wonder what she's doing. Same as this? Maybe... This is the last time I'm going to Canberra.

Fuck you guys. I can count 88 people that went to a podcast and said fuck this city yeah she was banking on like 10 000 and only got nine and a half she's like fuck this backwater yeah a friend of mine is actually playing at spilt milk and he sent me a text saying uh i've just seen a bloke in a trucker hat speed dealers a broken arm in a cast and a t-shirt that says pussy eater. I mean why aren't we playing the spilled milk festival? Our demographic is there ready to go. That must have been a real hard decision between our show and Lorde for that guy, honestly.

Like for people at home, yeah there is a massive music festival at the same time as us in Canberra. For people at home, because that's obvious in the room. There's a big sign pointing the other way back through the venue that says music festival this way. And then another sign pointing down to the earth that says Albuquerque. I just want to say thank you to the people who didn't show up and bought tickets tonight because, as always, I love free money. What is it, about 16 people that didn't show up? We've nearly made 500 bucks

off cunts that couldn't get their shit together so thank you once again for you fucking morons Again I hope Lorde's up on stage at the moment doing the inventory of the gig, working out how much she's gotten for doing fuck all Oh sweet, four grand for

80 cunts that don't get to hear royals Awesome! She's gone through the try booking list going John McNamara didn't show up fuck you and thank you Oh, sweet. Four grand for 80 cunts that don't get to hear Royals. Awesome. She's going through the try booking list going, John McNamara didn't show up. Fuck you and thank you. It's great. It's reverse APRA. Just getting money for the songs you don't play.

Awesome. Very nice. So because we didn't know, we just booked this in and then we found out, oh, there's this music festival on, accommodation in Canberra itself. It's very expensive for the night, so we had to start looking and going, fuck, where else can we stay? Oh, so is this true? Did someone on the socials was saying maybe today or yesterday, there's someone laughing already, so

this is the answer. Did someone pay $600 for a hotel room for tonight? That's a big yes from the embarrassed lady in the middle. Not bad. Hey, you know what they'd love? If you don't turn up so they get that money for free. Speaking from personal experience, it's a great feeling.

Lord will probably take that hotel room tonight, actually. Did you really pay $600 for a hotel room for tonight? For two nights? $600 for two nights or $600 for each night? For two nights. Okay, so when you said... So wait, $300 each night? For two nights. So wait, 300 a night?

So just say 300 then, because... Private school. Read it and weep. 300 a night because you're here specifically to see this? Just say yes. Just say you want to see us. It's pretty evident when she said I'm here for two nights that it's not just to see us. Just say you wanted to see us. It's pretty evident when she said I'm here for two nights

that it's not just to see us. Oh, going to need to cool down for 24 hours in that room. Couldn't possibly travel. The state I'll be in after the podcast. Yeah. I have to fan my vagina from all the wetness that happened last night. I did consider it. Did consider it.

Now, that's the real spilt milk festival as far as I'm concerned. Boom! Actually, I think that milk went off. If you're listening at home, you had a ticket and you didn't turn up, this could have been yours, you fuckhead. Should we... Actually, can we get the list of... Can we get the booking list so we can read out all the names of people

that didn't turn up? Oh, yes! Let's pay... Let's do a live Patreon feed Yeah A live unpatronage Yeah Yeah

If we can get that In the next Yep yep Cool It's on the line Someone's literally Running it down to us Quick

There's content Yeah Jimmy Thank you to Jimmy The paper boy Who just delivered that What's that Skippy Jack My tiny dick off his trap down a well.

Boy, I wonder what he's doing down there. All right, thank you too. This is so good. This is like being in my share house. Thank you too for buying two tickets. Thank you to Daniel Hild. Daniel Hild? Yeah.

Sounds like you should throw yourself off a very high hilde for not turning up and for your mate not turning up either. Now that we've got this free money, we are the king of the hilde. Now I know why we don't do this in front of a live audience. We're literally doing that next week. Cool. Thank you to someone who bought two tickets and didn't show up And didn't have a mate to turn up as well

David Leach Leach Well I mean I gotta say I mean people have accused me in the past of being a bit of a leech But no need now that a dumb cunt like this is giving me his money for free Yeah We have leeched off him David haven't we So you worked his first name back into the burn on his

surname? Or is this just a second David that you happen to be telling this to? Whatever works. Thank you. Thank you two for buying three tickets and not showing up. Hope you enjoyed Lord.

Jude Manic. Jude Manic? Forget about Manic Mondays You had a Manic Saturday It didn't turn up you fuckhead I'm not going to top that Why bother chiming in? Alright we've only got two to go

Alright Boy we can only hope that You know at least part of the reason That some of these people haven't turned up Is some kind of personal tragedy Wouldn't that be wonderful? I mean Look

There's a lot of them in there. The odds are pretty high. What if all these people were in a bus accident? It'll be a fun Monday in the edit suite when we get home after an eight hour drive. Imagine this exact same thing happening in the 50s and someone getting up and going, the big

bopper, what a cunt. Buddy Holly, fuck you. Richie Valens, suck my dick. Man, if we read that in the paper tomorrow that there was an accident and all those people were on it, I'm going to be wishing I had a hotel room for the second night. Can't go home, I've got to edit this goddamn episode. All right, you've sort of scared me off the other name,

so I won't do that. Pick the funniest one. Pick the one who sounds most likely to have had a tragedy before them in the last eight hours. All right, all right, all right. Barry Comedy? Carl, you haven't been on Twitter in the last 20 minutes, have you? What?

Barry Comedy. This is... All these people here, this is a weird time to do this in front of an audience. Please, go on. Barry Comedy, you guys all saw this on social media before the gig, yeah? He just passed away half an hour ago. Oh, my God. Yeah.

Don't worry, that was a joke name, of course. It's actually Gary comedy. Oh, thank god. He's fine. And hey, thank you for the respect of my improv skills not asking me how he died. Didn't really have a good one in the chamber ready to go. I was going to say he died

trying to suck his own dick. Would that have gone well? Sweet. Dick sucking fan. Yeah, cool. Died trying to suck his own dick. Would that have gone well? Sweet. Dick sucking fan. Yeah, cool. Died trying to suck his own dick is coincidentally my favourite Lorde song, so... Should we... What about we do the...

How about we do this? Now, we get... People here in the... Do you do the social medias? Do you do the social medias? Because we're on the social medias in all forms. We are in... We have like a private Facebook group.

Are people in that? Is anyone in that? People aware of Little Dum Dum Club? So there was someone... I thought this was great. Someone... And we have some teenage fans, which sort of freaks me out a little bit. Like, oh, because

there's a teenager here tonight, isn't there? There's someone underage. Oh, is there a couple of people? Are you underage? Let's not do this in public at a licensed venue. He's underage. How old are you? 17? 16. Alright, mate, we've all got age going on. 16?

How the fuck are you allowed to be here? I mean, not, I know that you're allowed to be here, but what the fuck is wrong with your parents? They're what, sorry? They're very unattentive. You seem quite mature physically for a 16-year-old. Jesus Christ. For the listener at home,

the 16-year-old is stroking his red rocket in the front row. That's the only reason Carl said that. Nothing weird. This guy started it. And to be fair, it looks like an 18-year-old is stroking his red rocket in the front row. That's the only reason Carl said that. Nothing weird. This guy started it. And to be fair, it looks like an 18-year-old penis, not a 16-year-old penis. So that's why I said that. That's why I said that.

You know, I've seen a few, so... I know the difference. Anyway, how did we get here? We sat in a car for eight hours, my good man. That's right, that's right. No, we do have a Facebook group, People Aware of Little Dunny Home, and someone shared, and I love it when people share a bit of, because people have been sharing stuff like

writing ads for us on Dunny Walls and Dunny Doors, which I fucking love. It's my favourite thing, so thank you everyone for doing that. If all of you could do that on the one Dunny Door tonight, that would be awesome. And sorry for the manager. So someone that was, I was going to say underage, but that sounds way too creepy.

Someone who was at school got to the end of the year. That's worse. That's worse. Someone graduated this year, a listener of the show, and they had to fill out their yearbook and they get asked a lot of questions to fill that in. And she put in a lot of dum-dum related bits of material in the questions that they ask, which is fucking awesome.

So here are the questions in order. So where do you see yourself in 10 years? This 17-year-old girl has said, living in Melbourne or Koh Samui. What is your spirit animal? Answer, Milan. What was your song of the year? The Rad Dad theme song.

What is one thing you would like to do before you die? Jump off the West Gate. Can't have one without the other. Yeah, which I love because it's not like you're going to jump off the Westgate after you die, but yeah. And what advice would you give to your younger self? Answer, always do what is best for yourself,

which I think we say every week on the show. So we're very positive here at the Little Dunham Club. Well, yeah, there's someone else in there. There's another young lady in there who works at a certain retail chain. Yes. People have seen this. We're going to read these out, like not to just read out someone else's content, but we wanted to go through a couple of these because they're very good.

It's magnificent. Yeah. It's a listener of the show who works at JB Hi-Fi. And you often see on the shelves at JB Hi-Fi, they kind of, they get, I mean, they're a fucking loose operation in there, right? Like, they get to write their own, they get to write their own review, you know, like the things where they'll have like a review of a DVD and it's like, oh, my housemate likes it, but he's a cockhead.

T-Ballard, you know, whatever. Like, they get to do, but like genuinely, they get to do that in JB Hi-Fi. So she, over the last, like, what, month and a... Like, two months or something? Like, quite a while now. Every week, she'll just post a new photo on our Facebook page of a review that she's left of a product in JB Hi-Fi, and she's made the review somehow Dum Dum Club related.

And we were allowed to name her name. I asked her today, I was like, can this get you fired? And she goes, no, I don't give a fuck. So her name is Amy Lanning. Yeah. Well, now all the fucking pervs that listen to this can look her up on Facebook. A fate far worse than

unemployment. So here's her greatest hit. So the film Suicide Squad, the recent movie. Did you know parts of Suicide Squad were filmed on Melbourne's very you know parts of Suicide Squad were filmed on Melbourne's very own Westgate Bridge? Because now they sell everything in JB, they have like appliances and stuff, so there's a big vacuum cleaner and she's put a sign on it that says, as recommended by June Northern. Then I think this one was suggested by someone

in the group, their comedy section. She went and, like, printed up in the same font and colour and background a few more Ys and stuck them on the end. So now it's the comedy section. I hope she's not taking these down, by the way, so at some stage that stall will be filled with Dumb Dumb references. Well, there's one in there, and this is an obscure one that it took me a while to remember. There's a South Park DVD box set that is now $19.99,

but it says was $550, crossed out, which is a reference to Fiona O'Loughlin hiring a male escort and then not being able to do anything with him and just sitting on the bed and watching South Park on DVD. So the story is that she paid $550 to watch South Park. In a way so obscure you probably shouldn't have read it out. But what I love about it is it's a

great obscure reference to the show but it makes JB look fucked. Like someone going in there going, you used to be charging $550 for this one DVD. Frasier box set. Good or not, let us know, 0438.

And then she's getting a little obtuse. This is one of the more recent ones. The Nugget. Dave O'Neill puts the corporate gigs on hold to hang out with his mate Eric, Clay. He discovers that even part ownership of a nugget of gold isn't enough of a reason to splash out on a mate's wedding present. One star.

So, we're sort of in awe of this young lady. Yeah, imagine having a job. Fuck, I was going to go there, but anyway. So, we're pitching. This is our audio pitch to you, Amy, Miss Lanning. If you could possibly use some of our work. We're pitching to do references for our own show in a JB Hi-Fi store. Yeah, yeah.

This is the closest we'll get to working in a JB Hi-Fi. So here's my... We'll go back to, you know, one and two? Sure. Yeah, yeah. For the DVD Independence Day review. A movie about the day Tommy Daslow stopped taking money off his mum. Science fiction.

Twin Peaks Season 2. The only piece of recorded media that makes less sense than the Paul Ford episode of The Little Dumb Dumb Club. Rain Man. A heavily autistic man needs to travel across America in time to get to his job at The Daily Show. A GoPro. The perfect thing to wear strapped to his job at the Daily Show. A GoPro. The perfect thing to wear strapped to your head at the

Koh Samui Podcast Festival 2018 so that there's video evidence for the courts after you get Milan to death. The DVD Wedding Crashers. Story of people who rock up at a wedding without a present. Starring Owen Wilson, Vince Vaughan, Nick Cody, Dave O'Neill, Nick Capper, Fiona O'Loughlin, Adam Rosenberg, David Quirk,, Nick Cody, Dave O'Neill, Nick Capper,

Fiona O'Loughlin, Lee Moe, Adam Rosenbuck, David Quirk, Xavier Michaelides and Dave Callum. Assassin's Creed Origins on the Xbox. Discover the origin story of the Assassin's Brotherhood as you explore the great Egyptian tombs in 30 BC, back when comedian Carl Chandler was 23 years old. Which runs nicely into this one. The DVD, No Country for Old Men,

a movie definitely not about Thailand. A PlayStation 4 Pro, the perfect thing to play when the apocalypse hits and your whole family is huddled in their bomb shelter. And you're not because your dad's a cunt and Dilruch is in there instead. Which again runs nicely into my one. Guess who's coming to dinner for two?

Starring Dilruch Jaisinger. And dinner for two isn't a metaphor for 69ing, he's literally eating two people's dinners. Okay, this is my last one. Into the Woods, a fantasy musical starring Meryl Streep. Two stars for the actual film, but if you dive into the deleted scenes, and this is true, you'll find a song that was cut from the film called She'll Be Back.

The DVD Train Spotting. Just a quote. Amateurs. Greg Fleet. Price. Just give us 20 bucks and I'll pay it back next week. Oh, I had one more. Trevor Noah's stand-up DVD. And then there's nothing on the shelf and it just says,

What a cunt. Should I go for one more? Should I try and top that one? One more. Terminator 3, Rise of the Machines, features a female Terminator, which means just like Daslow's ex-girlfriend she'll be back

shouldn't have gone for it should we get our guest out here yeah one of our guests one of the guests let's start reeling him off guys

yeah this is this is going to be a lot of fun like we said just before we've driven all day to be here and these guests

have crammed into the back of a small car so let's give them all your love. We're very lucky to have such an awesome line-up tonight. Please go crazy and welcome your first guest, Nick Capper! I thought I'd be able to bring that when I set

the night on fire. For the guests at home, Nick didn't spell out, he's got a fire extinguisher. You fucking idiot. I think even in the room it was pretty perplexing. Yeah, yeah. Since he brought it out and put it behind himself so no-one can actually see it.

I think it's a blue one. The master of visual comedy, Charlie Chaplin Jr himself. I think it's only an electrical one the blue one so I don't think that puts out the fire of hot jokes Cool, so you're zero for two Nice So I was trying to get to this before

because all the yeah, the Econ was very expensive here in Canberra we're all staying a bit out of town in a little place called Queenbeyan Yeah, and there's several people I've mentioned that to who have given me that exact reaction. What the fuck?

So that's bad, right? Because it seems like two-thirds of the place we went past were on fire. So that's a bad sign, right? A place so inbred, Carl and Tommy look like they live there. Fuck, imagine copying a visual insult from that. Fuck, imagine copying a visual insult from that. Look, I look deformed but not inbred, all right? Irrespectfully.

Deformed but still fuckable, okay? Hopefully. Oh, man, we're going to have to get this fire extinguisher out. Riffs are coming out hot. But, guys, God, watching you try to use that phone today was awful. All right? For anyone who doesn't know how Carl reads maps on a mobile phone, does anyone here know how to use directions?

You know, on the Google phone, yeah, it tells you the directions. Carl doesn't use that. You know, on the Google phone, yeah, it tells you the directions. Carl doesn't use that, right? What he does is he just stares at his phone like it's a Metway, okay? It's like someone looking at something through a microscope that you can already see with your eyes. That's literally, we're driving here, we get lost about eight times.

It's constantly me at the lights and then him going, oh no, actually turn around and go back the other way. Go left about five minutes ago. And I look and it's constantly me at the lights and then him going oh no actually turn around and go back the other way go left about five minutes ago and i look and he's just looking at the map just taking a pun on the route there wasn't even around there it's just let's get to the dot we turned around once and to be actually fair which I didn't mention at the time, I was looking for a different university. We accidentally drove past this one, honestly, and you were like, oh, here's the uni, and I was like, okay. Is there another one?

Because that's the one I was looking for. It was so perplexing. It was like every time we're at any kind of intersection, you're like, oh, actually, go left. I'm like, how is he getting this so wrong? And I look over at you and it's just, you've got it zoomed out. I could see fucking Brisbane on the map when you were trying to direct. So for people at home, we are at a university.

We're at a university where we belong. But we're at a different university than the one I thought we were going to. But things worked out. So I think that's okay. It was like one of those find a maze things, but playing with Canberra. Yeah. Like a place with streets.

Were you trying to send us to the university of the Northern Territory? All of a sudden, eight hours later, I swear to God, guys, one more roundabout and we'll be there. Look, I appreciate that at live shows, usually someone is in the crowd ringing me and no one has done that yet. And I'm not encouraging that, of course.

Don't bother because I don't answer it. But I have copped another thing recently, which is I've had my second person on acid ring me. Fucking hell. Like, I've stopped myself for years from doing tit for tat and putting your number out, but I feel like you should cop one of these things. Like, I've copped two people off their fucking scone on acid now.

Yeah. It's not ideal. Next time it happens, you just get me on the line and then you drop off. Okay. Yeah. So I transfer the call? Yeah, transfer the call. All right.

Well, now, people at home, I am encouraging people on acid to ring me. Next time it happens, just pass the phone up to me on the top bump bead that I'm on, and then I'll take over. The guy, and look, the guy will hear this, and I'll sanitise it, but the guy was just saying, pleading to me, mate, I'm like, oh, cool, okay, I've got to get off the fucking phone, man. Why have you rung me? And he's like, man, just be cool.

I've got to have a good trip well what do i do what's my responsibility how do i how do i help someone have a good trip on the phone i love that though it's like this drug that can really go either way what's going to help me through it better call the most volatile uncool person I can possibly think of? This trip's going too well. Time to level out. Maybe we're all duck sandwiches. Maybe we're always surrounded. Maybe we're always surrounded by the thing

we love. But it's not till we're dead we know that it's always been around us the whole time. Which, I mean, it's not a great ad for whatever the acid is where he's like sitting there and then going, fuck, wouldn't mind talking to Chandler right now. I mean, you've got enough going on.

You've got unlimited imagination and you still need to talk to fucking me? It's a bad ad for acid. It's an even worse ad for you. That's the only time he wants to talk to you. He's just cooked out of his scone. He could never brag about that to anyone. Man, that acid was so strong. I got so high I called a 50 year old man

living by himself with a cat. Don't mention the cat. But did he seem okay at the end? I mean, so it had just kicked in and he just wanted to be talking to you as it was coming on? Because didn't you get another guy, the last one you got was like a guy kind of freaking out, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Let's say this guy freaked out too. I don't want to go into too much detail, but I was... Why would anyone ring me for a lifeline equivalent? Oh, my gosh. Honestly, for a guy who gets up and says, hey, go kill yourself every second week on this show,

don't ring me if you're struggling. The kids know helpline. It'd be good. End your lifeline. We need to get a few more substances in the mix. Next time, like anyone off their head on MDMA, next time you're on the molly,

give Chando a call. We need to get a few more. We need to even out the sample size. No, ring Dassler. Like, if you look him up on the internet, he's easily contactable. Just fucking give someone else a go. I've copped enough. Hey, you know what? Since we're in a university, here's better advice.

Kids, don't do drugs. Okay? They're pretty uncool. Fuck, that changed quickly. And you end up like that. That advice changed quickly once I said ring Dassler instead. Yeah. Bring it on. Oh, no, actually, you know, you've got your whole future ahead of you.

The worst thing is I never really did drugs. About three years ago I started doing them. So you've got no excuse for this. Yeah, no. No, I think it was agricultural machinery, just spending a lot of time on it and growing up in an isolated area. Yeah, yeah. You look like every extra in Almost Famous.

From Darwin? Yeah. Sorry, that was a bad rip. I'm sorry. For those at home wearing a Darwin shirt, I don't know. For those of you that love the fire extinguisher gag. We might need a flamethrower to heat that one up. It actually makes people at home feel better

that they're not missing any visual jokes. Like, if you hear it makes less sense. The people who did decide to see Lorde tonight and listening to this back going, yeah, no, it all panned out pretty good. I was on the fence. I thought maybe I missed a real funny one, but this makes a lot of sense now. Thank God I missed out on prop comic

Nick Caffer. Did you, now, look, here's the thing that, I never like to get too inside baseball with comedy, but you did a thing recently where... Like, you know, your comedy, I would say, very kindly, isn't for everyone. Some nights it's not for anyone. Yeah.

Sometimes not even the artistic people get me. Yeah. Go straight over their heads. Some people are described as hit or miss. I would more call you a miss comedian. But you recently did... Some of us comedians comedians. Some of us aren't comedians comedians or audience comedians.

I love that art house film they made about you, Little Miss Capper. You're more of a janitor's comedian, as in you clear out the crowd pretty quick so they can get their job done. I'm more of a memorable comedian, for the wrong reasons. Yeah, not as good as what I said, but anyway. So what you did recently, now you got a job doing comedy as the sole comedian on a cruise ship. Something that probably the older part of this population

pay thousands of dollars to do for five days. It might be the most memorable trip of their life. And the one bit of entertainment they get is from fucking you. Man, it was some people, you've got to go out on the high seas to get the real pearls. You know what I mean? If you want to get that Moby Dick of comedy, you get on a ship and you get your harpoon.

You might end up with Nick Capper. Call me Ishmael. There she blows. There she blows. Oh, no. There she bombs. Yeah, first... So in the industry, cruise ship gigs, they're well paid, but they're notoriously, they can be quite difficult. They're quite demanding gigs. At a live gig like this, like, you guys all listen to the podcast,

and so, you know, you're basically the easiest audience. If we bomb here tonight, we are properly shit. Because you guys are, you know, you're engaged, you're into it, you like comedy. Now, people on cruise ships don't, you know, they're accidentally seeing comedy, aren't they? They're sort of going, oh, we didn't know comedy was on. And after they see Kappa, they're like,

we still didn't know comedy was on. Now that we've seen The Magician, when's the fucking comedy on? Yeah. He made the fun disappear. Now where's... Abracadum come. That was the weirdest captain's log I've ever seen. We're going to hit an iceberg at any point and we're in Fiji. Alakazam, alakazailing.

I can't wait to throw myself off the railing. Yeah. So it went, now you were telling me at the start, like you were on your way to do it and I was like, I felt like I had a lot more common sense than you. I was like, are you sure that you were the person booked? Are you sure this is for you? And you're like, yeah, man.

I'm actually quite solid. It's just got to put me in the right place at the right time, and you'll see a different Nick Happer, okay? You guys have always seen the weirdo, okay? I can, you know, if I'm at a bloody football club or on a cruise ship, man, I can snap into some old... It's like watching Kevin bloody Wilson with a, you know, with a bit of an Andy Kaufman twist.

Get more, Kevin. Wilson with a bit of an Andy Kaufman twist. More Kevin bloody shit Wilson. Oh, that went too fast. Sorry, everyone. I forgot Nick Capper was your friend as well. I'm sorry, guys. Did anyone get that flamethrower yet? Yeah, no, the first show, I must admit, because I did this quiz show thing in the day,

and I thought, and it went good. Well, you, like, hosted a quiz show. No, they did a, they said, it was like, are you lying or not, okay? So they gave you, they put out. No, I think that was just you walking on and them going, are you really a comedian? I am going to kill tonight. Yeah.

This is where it starts, all right, and it doesn't stop from here, okay? This is what it's been like in the car for eight hours, okay? Hey, Kappa, what do you think of this? This is what I think. I thought, oh, what was I talking about? Yeah, I did this quiz show and it had a word and you had to lie about the real meaning of the word. So I made up all these real weird meanings for all the words.

Like, I don't know, there was some word and I said, oh, that's a special wheelchair for a duck, right? And they thought that was awesome, right? You guys don't think it's so good, eh? Well, because you didn't give the first half of the joke. I thought maybe some things that go to sea should stay at sea. Like you. The Bermuda Triangle of comedy.

What's that Russian... Anyway, the submarine. Hey, I feel like this story is going to take us a while to get through, so should we get our second guest out here to help us pile in on this? Please welcome back into the little dum-dum club, Josh Earle! How's it going? Are we good? Yeah, we're good. Sorry I didn't get the memo to dress up.

I didn't know the guests had to dress up a lot. Sorry about that. Where's your fucking Firebase prop, you idiot? Cabin's got his wedding shoes on too, so that's good. So, Josh, you've done some cruise ship gigs. Oh, yeah, I can't wait to talk about that publicly. Yeah, so... Yeah, I've done...

For the listeners at home, I've just got my cock out. Hey, I looks 16. I moisturise. Joshua will just put a fedora on. It looks like he's going to release a John Mayer cover album. I'm impressed with this venue as well. It's like the Auntie Anne Frank roof here. It's good.

I'm impressed with this venue as well. It's like the Auntie Anne Frank roof here. It's good. Okay, anyway, so... Let's do a joke about literally every square inch of this room. Visually, this whole podcast is funny. Guys, you had to be. If you're listening, this is fucked. So, yeah, I have done two cruise ships.

So what more do you want? It was really depressing. Right. Yeah, but I'm just trying to, you know, you can help us get into the mindset. You went in before your first gig. Were you nervous? How did you think it would go? Well, it's a bunch of people who I think I wouldn't, I don't normally talk to.

It's a whole bunch of old people on their holiday. Everyone's in a really good mood. Yeah. And they want to hear people talk about their vaginas dragging along the sand. And so I'm like... So I've got some... That's 30 minutes and then you die and dry. So I thought,

well, I can talk about being a parent. I like that. I can talk about cakes. I like that. And then I was out. That was it. But it is literally... Good ad for going to see Joshua, by the way. Parents And so, but it is literally... Good ad for going to see Joshua, by the way. Parents and cakes. But it is literally people just eating all the time. It's like an open buffet and people will just fucking eat the whole time they're on the ship.

Have a guess which friend of the show has done a few and loves them. So, Cappy, you do one, you do a joke about a duck in a wheelchair and you think, I'm going to fucking kill it tonight. So it went good. But then they had the 10.45 show at night. And I thought, oh, okay. They kind of like me. I'll go out there. I'll do a little bit of improv. Do a little bit of talking about the ship.

Did not fly very well. What was your improv? I'll go into the gold. And then the gold did not fly very well well what was your improv about the ship don't tell me you walked out with the ship's fire extinguisher he walked out with the anchor hey guys check it out they did not like that um no i i just walked out and i i didn't i wasn't i wasn't that good and then and you had to do 45 minutes right and it's and it's just you it's not a lineup show No, I just walked out and I wasn't that good. And you had to do 45 minutes, right? And it's just you.

It's not a line-up show. It's just you for 45 minutes. Yeah, and they've got the air conditioners on full bore. And I'll tell you what, I was sweating. Okay? I had the biggest sweats, and that was in the first three minutes. I was like, I'm a dead man. And I was a dead man.

They just... You know, I've never fought in a war, but I know what it's like to see people die around you. Like, people... I know, like, people got up and they left. So did you... Imagine having to walk out on a boat just off the side. Women and children. The band kept playing.

There's people backing up the chairs The comedian kept improvving I kept going I went down with the ship You were just switching your set order around Oh fuck Can we make an edit? Can we genuinely do this? Can we re-edit Titanic

And as it's going down, we just cut to the comedy club on the ship and it's Kappa just like on a slant chair just hitting him in the head. The windows are steamed up and people are putting their hands on just trying to get out of the windows. Did you stop in places? You actually went to different places. No, I got on in the islands somewhere. I thought I was

flying to Fiji. I didn't go to Fiji. Turns out I misread my ticket. Because the one I did. I just followed the flight number and somehow ended up on an island. The one I did, I just literally... An island. Didn't think to check your passport since.

I got to my... They said, you'll be staying at the casino. I thought, sick, the casino. I thought, Cappy, you have made it. I'm putting photos on the gram, everything. Get to the casino. It's like this cream tower from

the 70s with just pokies written on the front. I thought, oh yeah, welcome to a different culture. It's quite the cultural shock. Shall we get our third guest on to continue this? I feel like she shouldn't be backstage. Yeah, she's just sitting there by herself. Folks, please welcome onto the little dum-dum club, Becky Lucas.

Hello. Sorry, Becky. Eight hours in the car, half an hour in the green room. I know. Did you hear me stomping around? I've dropped a mirror. What's going on? I haven't been listening.

Well, newsflash, Kappa had a bad gig. Oh. Weird, huh? Whereabouts? He doesn't know Kappa had a bad gig. Oh. Weird, huh? Whereabouts? He doesn't know. It was a mum casino. Yeah, start again, Kappa. 40,000 leagues beneath punchlines.

Oh, is this a ship? Yeah, yeah. Fuck, you really haven't been listening to me for half an hour. No, but he was banging on about it in the car, remember? But what had he been doing backstage for half an hour? No, but he was banging on about it in the car. Remember? But what have you been doing backstage for half an hour? She had the mirror out. We thought, we've got 80 people trying to buy a Coke mirror. You know Canberra? Oh, whoa.

It's good to be in Canberra. This is where I found out about 9-11. Hang on, hang on. Today? Yeah. I was on school camp and they were like, kids, we have something to tell you. And then I pretended that I had a family member there so I would get more attention.

I was like, I've got to make some calls. I was lying. So, what, you were on a school excursion and they said, oh, look, here's Lake Burley Griffin, by the way. What? Like two planes have just crashed. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, I think my auntie's there.

But I knew she wasn't. And I like the idea that on the day they're still describing it as 9-11. Yeah, we're in it. We know. Yo, what's up? We're going to break it down for you quick. All right.

9-11 has happened. That's today's date. To soften the blow, here's some porn and fireworks. This will take your minds off it. Have you guys ever been to Questacon? No. But everyone knows what Questacon is. No, no. It's like a science centre, right?

And there's like activities in Canberra. Right. And the day that 9-11 happened, they took us all to Questacon and then some chick fell down a strange slide and broke her neck. Which was worse. Worse than 9-11? Well, for us. neck, which was worse. Worse than 9-11?

Well, for us. Oh, right, right. In our community. So when you hear 9-11, you're like, oh, that poor chick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right. She fucked her neck. Oh, thank God she didn't fly into a building.

Yeah, that fucked significantly more necks that day, to be fair. Anyway, just... Anyway, speaking of 9-11, Kappa's comedy. Fuck you! I want to ask, did you stop off in Ireland? Because when I went, I was on the water for three days. I didn't stop anywhere. We didn't go anywhere.

It was just like a floating motel. Yeah, I got on in the islands and then I stopped in Brisbane for three hours, so it was quite an exotic experience. So you had two gigs. Yeah. So you do the first one. Yep. So Tower One's gone down. Tower Two happens here.

What about Building Five, do we? What's the Pentagon in this situation? The first one was a bit of an inside job. I knew it wasn't going to go so well. It was totally preventable. But yeah, yeah, and then... I just had to stay...

I blame the CIA. Comedy is a not good. Oh, man. You could have said awful. Oh, yeah, It's a perfectly good anal word I thought you were going to say anal

I don't know why It doesn't make any sense They've just got Comedy is anal You're right I should have said that New t-shirt I reckon Comedy is anal

in that you shouldn't try it It's overrated Anyone who's thinking about trying it don't Once you're it, don't. Once you're over 40, don't start. Comedy is anal in that I've done a lot of comedy.

Raw comedy has a whole new meaning. In that way, I'm a full-time comedian. It only hurts the person receiving it. I'm calling it early. Worth the drive. It's why Rhys Nicholson's really good at it. No, they changed passengers. So I only had to stay in my room for a day and a half after the first gig.

Did you get detention after your gig? It was Island of Dr Moreau, the Capa version. It was like, but they played, on the ship they played a lot of movies that you don't want to see at sea. Sorry, that sounded weird. Like what? Like Castaway. They played Castaway. Really?

Yeah, and I was like, oh, now I know what to do. Oh, yeah, it's a doco. As soon as it's going down, where's the volleyball? Yeah, they played that. And then they changed it and then they had a whole bunch of new passengers to go to Melbourne. So you got to a certain point where you dropped off those passengers who didn't want to be on the ship anymore after they saw your show,

got off the ship and the new passengers got back on. Yeah. And the second show went very good. Yeah. Oh, that's good. Oh, well, it's a good ending. Based on that performance just then, I can see why. It was kind of one of those coming-of-age movies.

Only I was in my room, so... But you had to... Because this is the thing that people say about cruise ships is that they find very confronting is that, you know, if you do a gig and you don't do well, it's like, who cares? You go home. But on a cruise ship, you're then stuck with the audience. And you've got a name tag on you that says, Nick, comedian,

and you have to walk around for the next three days with it on. Well, I don't have a name tag, but I'm very identifiable, I guess. They're like, oh, which extra from Lord of the Rings? No, no, no, just joking. It's a shit thing. It's like you're scared about seeing them. It's like they fucking suck. Yeah.

Like often they're just some shitty guy that works at Mitre 10 who's fucked. Yeah, but you're gonna have to get into a conversation about what you could change about your act. Yeah, but it's like, let's, well, fine, but let's talk about what you can change in your life. Like, you, you're, you're bad. But Capa,

didn't a, didn't a, did anyone come up to you after the, after the gig? On the ship? Um, it was really funny because the second one, it was a 10.45 at night, so they were like really, they really wanted it dirty, so I just turned up my dirty, I just was telling the most heinous shit. Well, they even promote it as an X-rated show as well on the ship. Old people from Brisbane were loving it. And this old lady came up to me at the food court

and I thought, oh, here we go. Because I heard a few people... A full Chinese meal. I heard a few people... Anyway, I was like, oh, let's get some breakfast because we'd just done it. And that was a twist. I'd had sex with her.

That is a fully X-rated show, to be fair. That is very dirty. Threw a joke in a podcast. Who would have thought? No, no, no. I thought, oh, here we go. This is going to be a complaint or something. And she comes up to me and she goes, hey, dirty man.

I say that old people are dirtier because they've been dealing in cum longer than anyone. They have. The oldest person in been dealing in cum longer than anyone. They have. The oldest person in here has seen more cum than anyone. So who are you? Yeah, let's... Should we try and find the oldest person in the room? Yeah, that would be fun. Who's the cummiest in here?

Hands up if you reckon you've seen the most cum. I was going to put mine, but I thought does your own cum count? Sorry. It all counts. Becky, this is something we found out, talking about a long car trip. I found out today. I hate this, but come on. Yeah, but let's do it.

It's not funny. I'll make it funny. Okay. He's the king of He's not so sure. He's the king of anal. He'll make it funny. Is your dad a millionaire? Well, yeah, but only recently.

Like, I don't want you to think I was brought up wealthy, because I wasn't. I didn't care about that. Has your dad got over a million dollars? Yeah. A hundred percent. Yeah. Because he was very poor for a long time.

He did a lot of different things. He was like an opal miner. He was a jackaroo. Oh, like Kappa. Oh, sorry, open miner. Yeah. He's an opal miner. I was a nickel miner for a while.

He's a jackaroo. He was an oyster farmer, plumber. He's an open miner. I was a nickel miner for a while. He's a jackaroo. He was an oyster farmer, plumber. He did everything and then he developed some strange flange. Which I don't really know what a flange is.

Do you? No, no one does. To be fair, you asked a 16-year-old. He just got a fucking raging boner from you saying, do you know what a flange is, little boy? I know what a strange one is.

But anyway, so he developed that and that became... He invented it and it became law in Queensland that everyone had to have one. Does anyone know what... I don't know what the fuck this thing is. Like a flange. What's a flange? You should know.

Your dad's a millionaire off the back of it. Have you ever asked him, so what is it, Dad? If my dad made a million dollars off something, I'd ask what it is. Yeah, I wouldn't stop at the name and go, that'll do me. I imagine it's something to do with a sink. So no one in here knows what a flange is. How has this cunt made millions of dollars off it

when no one knows what it is? You're all manly in a mansion and you're like, I think it's got something to do with a sink. But yeah, and he bounced from one thing to the other. He's quite wealthy now. Is that what the flange does? Yeah, you bounce around. You bounce, yeah. It's like

flubber. He invented flange does. Yeah, you bounce around. You bounce, yeah. It's like flubber. You invented flubber. But then my mum's like quite poor, so that's why I'm so well balanced. That's why I'm so DDE. To clear that up, they're separated, because otherwise if they're together, that sounds quite weird.

He doesn't keep her in a caravan and feed her scraps of meat. But that would be funny. That would be a good sitcom. That's what the flange is. You can come on the mansion when you tell me what a flange is. That's the flange. That's what the flange is. It's a special caravan lock that he...

A flange is what he calls my mum's vagina. Thank you. And he invented that? She didn't have one before I met her. That seems sad that she's still poor even though he invented her vagina. That's weird. Well, that's what you do with it.

As I said before, folks, it is painful when you're receiving it. So how does that affect your life now that your dad is a millionaire? Does that mean you don't have to worry about anything ever again? I mean, it's kind of hard because dad went and... Right, I mean, this isn't funny, but, I mean, he remarried...

We'll decide that. You say things and then we'll try and make it funny. Yeah. Well, I guess... Okay. I think it's, like, he has a new family. Oh. I went too early.

Sorry. He has a new family. He has a new wife. And, like, that's their life. And I'm still in it. But, you know, when it comes down to it, like, my mum and I are the only unit. So when she gets sick and, like, I'm... That's my responsibility.

Yeah, you're right to start with. Yeah. It's not funny. But have you noticed that, like, since he cracked the million, have, you know, have the Christmas presents, like, stepped up in quality? Not really, but I just know that I'll be fine. I guess that's why I'm such a shitty comedian. I'm just like, like, stepped up in quality? Not really, but I just know that I'll be fine. I guess that's why I'm such a shitty comedian. I'm just like, ah, whatever.

Like, I mean, whatever. Does that mean Kappa is your dad a millionaire as well, then? Does that explain your career? Yes, my dad is 68, works on a pecan nut farm. So, yeah, yeah, I'm pretty much sweet. 68, almost. a pecan nut farm. So, yeah, yeah, I'm pretty much sweet. 68, almost. Yeah. Yeah.

Maybe he should get off his arse and develop a fucking plan. Do you know what? My dad is a plumbing nut. He loves it. My brother and I always make fun of him because he just chews his over plumbing. And I reckon if he met your dad, he would blow his mind. Honestly, he is crazy about plumbing. And I reckon if he met your dad, he would blow his mind. Honestly, he is crazy about plumbing. And I think I know what a flange is.

I think it's like a tightener on a pipe when you've got to join two. I think it might be. I just Googled it while you guys were talking before, and now somehow I know even less about it. I'm more confused than I was before. All I know is that it makes great comedy. And thanks, Becky Lucas. Thanks. Fuck. I told you

it wasn't funny. I think that was funny enough. I guess it was interesting. I had fun. Yeah, anyway, let's move along. When you guys were talking about my looks Yeah. When you guys were talking about looks I don't know, what do you think this means? Right? I

I was walking through North Melbourne, okay, a nice suburb, okay, and there was this guy who was standing out front of a restaurant smoking and he saw two, like there were two women there and he was conversing with them and they were talking quite loudly. So, you know, when you stare at them, you're like, ooh, what's happening here, right? No, anyway.

Anyway. So far this story is Kappa staring at two women on the street. Staring at their flanges. The man was interfering, if anything. But, yeah, this is a true story. He looked at me and he goes, what are you looking at, mate? And I said, oh, nothing. And then he walks up to me and I was eating a packet of M&M's.

It was a Sunday. I thought I'd go crazy. They were the peanut ones, the big ones. Oh, lovely boys. They're good. Bit of weight on your tongue. Yeah. I didn't mean it like that. They just feel good. Anyway, sorry. I like the crispy.

Do you? I like the mixed pack. Yeah, me too. I'm a traditionalist. I'm original. But anyway. Josh? Lay in or fuck off.

Crispy, original, peanut in that order. What about a tube of minis? Minis. Who's eaten them? I feel like every kid at my school that was real pov always had a tube of minis. That was like a sign. that was real pov always had a tube of minis. That was like a sign. You'd be like, I stole these tube of minis.

Look at this mini fuck. His dad never invented a flange. I was just looking at them going, who's the kid who's too much of a pussy to handle a full M&M? Little less for me, please. Fuck off. Anyway, sorry. You're got your M&M's. You're jerking off in public.

Eating M&M's. And, well, look, I don't know how good this story is. It's probably shit, but... Why is no-one backing themselves on this podcast? You've got a crowd in front of you. They've paid money to come and see it. OK, look... But, you know, Lorde's doing the same thing.

Yeah, this is a shitty B-side anyway. I wish I had more visual effects for it. But anyway. Do you want the hat? Fuck, this is taking a dive. I haven't even finished the story. I feel like I'm on a cruise ship. The boat goes, what are you eating there?

And I said M&M's. And he goes, he walks up to me close, I thought, oh, here we go. And then he pulls out a giant wad of cash, like this big wad of cash. That's my dad. Did you invent those? I'll give you a million for them. I only had the idea for the M, but you've added another M. If you put enough of these down a pipe, it'll stop a blockage.

Crispies, you'd be there all day. But then he goes, he pulls out the wad of cash, grabs a 20 off it, and he goes, have a good fucking M&M, mate, and gives me 20 bucks. Doesn't want the M&Ms. That's your tax-feeding M&Ms in the street. Have a good fucking M&M, mate. What kind of power play is that?

Because it's not like him giving you money to go and buy M&Ms. You've already got them. Yeah. So the start of this story was you seeing two women having a conversation. Why did they need to be in there? I don't know, because he was causing a ruckus. Just populating the story. Hang on.

It's like The Simpsons, most not in every episode, but you know he's there. Hang on. Her name's Em and Em. Is that what that was? I don't know. Look, I just thought I'd put some minor details in there. Yeah, you just need to let the audience know he's a creep. That's all.

I'll stare at these two women. Story checks out. It's like, you know, the background landscape in the Mona Lisa. Without those details, it wouldn't be a beautiful piece of art. Yeah, it's just some stupid woman eating chocolate. Who cares? Do you go out alone much? And I was trying to pinpoint, like, is it because I look like this?

Like, do I look homeless? He's like, have a good fucking M&M, mate. Like, is that why? So did you ask a follow-up? No, I just took the money. You still owe me $300. Can I have it? Have a good fucking M&M, mate. Have a good fucking M&M, mate.

Have a good fucking Koh Samui, mate. Yeah, but I don't know what to make. I mean, I'm sure he had a few drinks or whatever, but what... Is that a power play of some kind? Is that like... Maybe he thought you were a rent boy. He's trying to buy you for 20 bucks.

Somehow I have doubts about that. Well, I mean, you know, it doesn't, I don't know if it makes you look homeless, but it certainly, he's not looking at you going, fuck, and he's Bill Gates, he needs 20 bucks. Like, it's not a compliment, I wouldn't have thought. Have you changed anything about

yourself since then? Well, I mean, why would you? I mean, that's the best you've been paid for a while. Pay it off. I don't want this to be true, but it is. But this was last Sunday. So I haven't had any dramatic physical changes since then. This is fresh. Speaking of money, it's like you did a gig for me last week and a gig where you, you know, because we all,

our call with the ATO, you invoiced for a gig and you invoiced me and I got your invoice and it's got all the bank details on it and whatever. At the bottom of the invoice is a topless picture of you flexing. I'm like, fucking hell

do you send this out? And then I went, oh fuck, this is probably the only time you've been paid. I'm probably the only person who has seen this so it's actually not too bad. But you've got a topless picture of yourself on an invoice. Why the fuck would you do that? I just thought, well, I'm a comedian. I thought I'd make the invoice funny as well. You've done the gig already.

They owe you the money. Yeah. But I thought, I always forget the phrase what I type at the bottom. What does it say? I was like, please pay promptly or I will... Please pay within 14 days. Yeah, or I will ensure my strength to get it back or something like that. And it just got me flexing.

I just thought that's funny. Oh, people remember that. I mean... Maybe that's where the M&M guy came from. You've invoiced him for something before and he just wanted to see you topless again. Have a good fucking M&M, mate. That's what's going on my invoice next time. You're just knocking back a packet of it.

Someone's doing all right. Should we do this? We talked earlier on the show about Amy Manning, who works at JB, who is infiltrating JB Hi-Fi. A sleeper agent within JB Hi-Fi. Our sleeper agent within JB Hi-Fi. Yeah. Now, we talked on the show La a couple of weeks ago about how we wanted a theme song, about maybe we should have a theme song to the tune of The Nanny

with all the details of us rather than that. Yeah. And so Amy Manning has only gone and she didn't write it. Someone else wrote it. A guy called Cameron on our Facebook page wrote out the lyrics to a theme song about us to the tune of the Nanny theme song. Yes. And then we asked Amy to, because we saw a clip of her singing,

we thought, oh, she's good. So we've asked her to record it for us. So we've got it here tonight. Yeah. Anyway, the end. Lyrics by Patreon famous Cameron McOrrest. Yes. Yeah, yeah.

Yes. So we might play that now if you guys are cool with that. There's three people. Thank you. What was he to do, where was he to go Just look sharp, he's mummy So over the screen of Mike Knight, Chandler's Place He was there to start a podcast and he said Hey mates, he was there with no hair and cancer That's how they became the dummies

Who would have guessed that these people were Would end up helping out with Thailand if there's Now a fat man's always smiling, watch out, see, see And the men's are driving by crying, comedy They can be pretty brutal, but tomorrow they guess Now, worth pointing out for the listeners at home who heard that reaction, we are in a big fucking echoey cafeteria, so no-one here was able to hear any of the fucking words to that. I heard the call-out, so I wrote my own one as well, which isn't... Thanks.

But I think she sings it better. So can we play my one, which is track three on... In that folder. A new theme. MUSIC PLAYS which is track three on, I think this is a new theme. In that folder, yeah. Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from the Westgate Might put on a pod

A lesbian will say, hey mates Sometimes I want to know A lesbian will say, hey, mate. Sometimes I want to know if Sean McAuliffe knows Carl's name. And if Dale would be fat shamed. I want a pod, oh, help me God, where dumb cunts go insane. I want a pod where clans win the drop of name She'll be back and rat dad Kicking bins when they miss their plane I want a pod where they read out, let's say, five names

Yeah. Sit, Ubu, sit. Sit, Ubu, sit. Well, we've got another thread to follow up on from a relatively recent episode. You guys may have heard us talking about the fact that my dad is writing a porno. Oh, yes. Told this to Dilruk at a dinner recently

and then when I said to him, have you got it written down anywhere? He said, no need. It's all up here. So I've been pressing him for it. I've been saying, we've got to get more of this. We've got to get more of this porno from you. I pushed him for it for the Perth episode that the listeners would have heard last week. All I could get

out of him was that the title of it is The Eye of the Tiger. And so I've been pushing him all week and so finally today he sent me an email with a fully like a mapped out, a fleshed out synopsis of his porno

now this is the problem that we had is that you know we can't just get up and read this out because you know my dad wrote a porno, it's literally already a podcast, it's already a thing that exists so instead what we thought we could do is we could do the debut episode of a new show My Friend's Dad Wrote a Porno.

And because we have one of the most sensual voices in the business here, Nick Capper would you do us the honour of reading out my dad's porno? Alright, I will. I will. Alright. Try to hold back people. So read it from the very...

I'll read out the... Look, because he's... The very title, The Eye of the Tiger, a fantasy by Damien Hegarty. He's given himself a pseudonym. Fuck it. It runs in the family. He's also put up the top draft. So, guys, this isn't the final porno by Tommy's day. This is subject to change.

Oh, this is going to be great. Alright. A man of about 70. So this is the list of characters. Oh, so I just do the scene? No, read from there. Dramatis Personae. This is the persona.

Okay, so get your engine running to this. Tommy, maybe you read it out. Okay. A man of about 70, slim, white hair, clearly affluent. Clearly doing well. Fuck, he's written himself into it.

Owner of comfortable holiday house on the hillside overlooking the Blair Gowrie Beach. Quite specific. The house has a spectacular view overlooking Port Phillip Bay with the city Melbourne just visible in the northern distance. Fuck, I'm hard already.

He's an architect if you can't fucking tell. If landscapes don't get you half-masked, nothing will. There is a wide balcony with sun lounges, table and chairs, and a large, powerful telescope on a tripod. He calls

it the eye. This is the... And keep in mind, this is just the description of one of the characters. So the next character. A buxom Filipino maid. Oh, wow. Nothing else.

Dressed in a very white, tight T-shirt. It's got T in its own separate commas. Yeah. In a white T-shirt that barely contains the content. She wears brief, light blue shorts. Anyway, I don't know what brief means. A tall, slim, very attractive tan girl about 18 years of age. Oh, wow.

She's wearing small yellow bikinis. She's gone very small. You're really right. Yellow bikini. This is a girl that's only two years above you at school, dude. And then an athletic, good-looking man, Trim, about 30 years of age. Hang on, so your dad's written another bloke into his porno? Yes.

Hey, 30 years of age and Tr trim, he's written his son in. I thought you were only child, Tommy. I love you, Dad. Fuck, I can't wait to hear the rest of Tommy's threesome. This is, okay, scene. Alright, scene, guys. So now we've got all the characters in our head, right?

We're very familiar. These are old friends now. Oh, I forgot to say the trim 30 years of age is wearing only red briefs. Nothing else. Scene. Clear, sunny afternoon in summer. A little breeze blows from the southwest. Many are on the beach. If it was blown from the north, I would be out of this by now.

I would have come already. Ooh, a southern easterly. Okay. Oh, man, this is going to be incredible. Act one. Oh, man, this is going to be incredible. Act one. The camera follows an expensive open car along the coast road.

Glimpses of the beach can be seen through the coastal undergrowth. The man is driving the car. He is by himself. Frank Sinatra sings on the radio. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Exactly. You're not're not going to get the rights for that. Exactly. You're not getting New York, New York in a porno.

I just want to know what the wind's doing now. Yeah. If it's Frank Sinatra, it just sounds like he's going to be masturbating. I did my way. They'll need a license like a parody or a bootleg version like Wank Sinatra or something. To be able to get it in. Eventually he turns off the main road through a pair of gates.

You know what my favourite thing about porn is? Geography. How do you turn one car into a pair of gates? Are these automatic gates or hinges? I want to know. Skimping on the details. Drive it through a well-maintained garden. Alright?

That's a metaphor. That is a metaphor for some trinkets. It sounds like an ad. It's like he checks his Rolex watch. I gotta say, everyone's shitting on this for there being no sexy stuff yet. As his son, I'm very relieved at this point. This is music to my ears so far.

Keep it coming, Dad. Oh, she owns a whippersnipper. Hell yeah. That's sexy to me. A trimmed bush in both ears. He arrives at a neat single-story modern house. Single-story? Isn't that just a house?

Anyway. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Like I said, he's an architect. Consider yourself lucky there's not a full fucking floor plan taking up a whole page of this thing. He's real ones in the opera house. So much concrete. The door opens immediately.

He is fondly greeted by the Filipino maid. No words are spoken. I reckon there would be a few. Like, mister. But what would she say? Nah, gotta pay more if they speak, bro. Who does the garden? Act two, the veranda of the man. Hang on, act two? That was it the act two that was it yeah that was a whole act that was it yeah that drive up the fucking driveway that was a whole 15 minutes

that's the bit that's the bit on red tube where you click across okay he's at the door now. Get to the wind. The veranda of the man's house overlooks Port Phillip Bay. Second time this has been mentioned. There are a few sun lounges, a table and chairs, and a large, powerful telescope. It's like he thinks he gets paid by the word. He's just repeating all the details.

If we look through this periscope, can we find a better porno? Periscope, telescope, sorry. He calls it his eye. Just in case you missed that. He is by his eye, just in case you missed that. He is by his self. I think the Filipino lady wrote that sentence. Oh. The girl...

The girl from Ipanema. Oh, my God. Tall... What? But this is quite confusing. This is another song he thinks he's going to be able to licence. Oh, right, right, right. He said the girl from Ipanema in brackets.

How are you going to get hard when you're playing on hold music? Yeah. Hey, that's a good song. Tall and tanned, young and lovely. Yeah. Plays quietly in the background. Yeah. So he's put, he's written down the song that's playing

and then just in brackets he's put the lyrics for you. Oh. Your dad just wants to be in the trip. That's what he says. He sees himself driving through Italy. Yeah. That's how he wants to be in the trip. That's what he says. He sees himself driving through Italy. That's how he wants to come. Get out the eye. I'm ready to go.

He is looking through the telescope. First out to sea, to the distant skylight of Melbourne. Oh, he hasn't mentioned Port Phillip again. This is crazy. I feel like I need to text Dad and say, did porno mean something different in your day? This is an ad for Getaway. To this in Scotland and Melbourne.

They're nearer to the shore where he finds various small watercraft. Can you actually skip ahead to make sure this is a porno? He's covered all bases. Houses, boats. Wind. Wind, gates. Telescopes. He then notices a small cruising yacht.

Oh. For the marine fans out there. Oh, a cruising yacht. Now you got me. About eight metres long. Seven metres. Well, this is dinghy. Fucking hell.

I love that he specifies cruising yacht. One of those ones that just sits stationary and do fuck all. It's basically a speedboat. It has a cabin. It's all white. It is sailing quietly in an easterly direction. I've never said this, but fuck I wish your dad would hurry up and fuck someone. I don't know.

Being in Canberra hearing about the compass this is like being on school camp again. And this is my personal 9-11 if you're having to hear this. Yeah, I like this.

What if this ends up being the story of how Tommy was conceived? It is sailing quietly in an easterly direction. Parallelel with the beach about one kilometre out. Oh, my God. So it's like he's like, look, if this doesn't get you toey,

then mathematically it all works out. By the way, he's been telling me all week he's going to email me this. I had to hurry him up today and he writes back, I'm going as fast as I can. It feels like half porno, half description to the Coast Guard in case he's fucking and gets lost and he has to be saved halfway through. First, like, I don't know. Oh, fuck.

All the blood's gone from your head to somewhere else. Fair enough. This is why you're an only child. He couldn't work out how to do it a second time. This is too long. Mum's not there waiting. He's like, check out the wind though. Hang on.

We're only 1.2 kilometres out. And the wind is blowing in the wrong direction. And I hate my son, Tommy. And you're not Filipino. He is all by he self. Fuck. Can we cut that out? Stretched out on the top of the cabin.

Okay, this is why I mentioned the cabin beforehand. He's the girl in the yellow bikinis. She's got two bikinis on. With a large hat over her face. The man is lounging in the cockpit with the tiller under his arm. Wait, what? I don't know what a tiller is.

Boy, is there a cockpit in a boat? Anyone? And what's a flange while we're at it? Yeah, it went from a cabin to a cockpit. He's flying a plane. He's James Bond. That's how your old man gets hard, thinking he's in a flying boat. Maybe you could do a good gig on that one.

His long legs spread across the cockpit floor. Oh, so this is why I mentioned it was eight metres long. He's like that teddy bear on the internet that had real... Oh, don't worry. It was like just last week. It doesn't matter. Sorry. The yacht is just moving. Oh, hang on.

It's a yacht now? I thought it was a small cruising yacht. It's just moving. The breeze is diminishing. Oh, here we go. The breeze is diminishing. Oh, here we go. The man does not seem a bit interested in the yacht's lack of progress.

I love the amount of description put into everything, and it's still the man? Yeah. Has anyone whacked a name on him? Because he's looking at this through the telescope. That's why. The man does not seem a bit interested in the yacht's lack of progress and does not adjust the sails to suit the conditions. Looks like we've got a real Jack Sparrow here.

A real fucking bad boy of the seas. A real Jack my tiny dick Sparrow. Were you in the Sea Scouts, Tommy? No. The next sentence is going to be, the woman's pussy was dry until she saw a real bad boy who doesn't play by the rules. No, no, don't skip it.

He's not adjusting the sales. Don't tamper with us. Hang on, guys. Sorry. Okay. So, does not adjust the sales to suit the conditions. His thoughts are on other subjects. Oh, here we go, finally.

Has this passed the Bechdel test yet? There we go. Here's the business. Here you go. Page two. Oh, my. Oh, right. I'm going to drink by this time.

Oh, hang on. So we've gone all that. There's not that long to go. No, there's three quarters. Okay. Fuck. Shut up. All right.

Three quarters. Okay. Fuck. Shut up. Presently the girl stands up, stretches, he long slender body. He hasn't said her. You don't need to point out every typo. There's enough to chew on here. I just like it someone who has written something worse than me.

Okay. She walks slowly to the bow of the yacht and stands, arms in the air, doing a Leonardo DiCaprio impersonation. She looks around to the man and smiles. There is no reaction. It's Leonardo DiCaprio from What's Eating Good with Grape, though. there is no reaction. It's Leonardo DiCaprio from What's Eating Good with Grape though.

I knew he'd write me in there at some point. Alright, pay to watch this porno now. There is no reaction. So she looks around to the man and smiles. There is no reaction. So why did he put that in? She returns to the cockpit.

Still in the plane. Gently kisses the man and disappears below deck. Some minutes later, she reappears. This is a long movie. Minutes later. Man, Red Tube is maxed out. She reappears with two glasses and a bottle of chilled white wine. This time, the yellow bikini top is missing.

Finally. But hey, only one of the bikinis. I mean, we're getting closer. All they're going to get through is one bikini top and two pairs of undies. I don't like our chances with this much to go. Fuck.

Fuck. The man on veranda watches every move, making minor adjustments to the telescope. I bet he was. The Filipino maid has set herself on a nearby sun lounge

in the same T-shirt, but a very small bikini, lower half. The man ignores her. Two very ignorant men. Is this your mum's whole life? Just shaking them all the time? Your dad's like, hang on, hang on. I'm looking at a South Easterly.

Fuck off. I'm interested in other subjects, like astronomy. There's a dog playing with a soccer ball down in the bay. Feeling the Fremantle doctor just came in. Meanwhile, on the boat. So there's two different stories here. It's a veritable fucking Pulp Fiction happening here. Meanwhile, on the boat, the wine bottle and glasses remain unattended.

Oh, here we go. The man and the girl are now inside the cabin. So they're not in the cockpit. Okay. They're back in the boat. Transform into a boat again. Fuck into the plane. It's just too risky.

The man on the veranda adjusts his telescope again. What's the odds at the moment that we're not going to see a dick going in? Is anything going to happen? Like, we haven't got much left. Please, come on. Respect the craft. Sorry. He's just going to be like, a man emerges.

Al Green is playing. This is the most foreplay I've ever had. Guys, please, this is my inheritance you're making fun of. Who'd ever thought Tommy's dad would give me blue balls? Jesus Christ. Nobody come near me after the show. I'm sharing a room with you too. Oh, man.

The Filipino maid continues to lie there. You picked the wrong night to wear shorts, Kappa. Jesus Christ, I might put on two pairs of undies. Okay, the man and the girl are now inside the cabin. The man on the veranda adjusts his telescope again. What? The large windows in the yacht's cabin and his elevated position gives him a very pleasing direct line of sight. So you mocked all the tampering with the telescope. Fucking pays off in the end here, doesn't it?

Also, they're one kilometre out. He's got a pretty good line of sight. Probably zooming on your phone might be just as effective. If you can see the moon with a sting. Do we want the guy on the boat to come or this guy, this man? I don't know who's cyber on. Why not both?

Who's the hero here? Fuck. I don't know. The activities of the naked couple on the bunk provide excellent entertainment. Hang on, they're rooting on a top bunk? Is that what's happening?

The bunk in the cabin. The bunk. On the yacht. Yeah, the bunk in the cabin on the yacht. Not the cockpit. Okay. Not the sun lounge. But a bunk means that, is a bunk, you can only have like one on top of the other, can't you?

That's what a bunk is. Well, he's got a single story. A single bunk doesn't go too far. Maybe Tommy's dad likes a top bunk. Like he probably bought a bunk bed hoping there'd be another one and then that was just Tommy. So it's like, maybe that's... All right, top ones for fun. Imagine that brutal discussion finally being old enough for you folks

to tell you why you sleep in a bunk bed when you're an only child. All right, it's bedtime. Time to play Earthquake. Cover your ears. Remember that. Take cover. Let's open the windows, get a breeze in here. Time for Daddy to take out his telescope.

How come after every earthquake, cigarette smoke rises from the ashes? How come there's four separate pairs of undergums? That's why Tommy got cancer. Yay! Is that a no-go? No, that's fine. Cool. Okay.

The activities of the naked couple on the bunk provide excellent entertainment for old men for the following three quarters of an hour. So the old man's jacking it for 45 minutes. Is that what it's going to be? Yeah, Josh, you get it.

Well done. I get sex. I like it how they do it longer than for what's the lead up to the story. Finally, the show is over and the man appears on deck, this time dressed in shorts. Wasn't he in shorts before? He lowers the sail, starts the engine, and the yacht progresses slowly to the boat ramp.

All right, so we got some closure. You know what I mean? If they just went out to sea, I'd be like, fuck. Now read out the very next two words there. Is this boat ever going to get out of the ocean? Act three. This is seriously late at night at the moment.

So 20 past 11. Fuck. Jesus Christ. If anyone needs to go home or go to the toilet and jerk their dick, they can enjoy it. The old... Act three and four are really short. Fuck, we've got two acts to go.

They're the sexiest bits. You know that classic four-act structure? Yeah, anyway. The old man is in bed. The old man is in his bedroom, taking his clothes off. He progresses into a luxurious bathroom with a very large shower compartment. Any architect's dream. What a great poem when you see a nude 70 year old yeah totally just having a shower lemon party

behind the shower curtain he's just wrote show curtain. But anyway, I'll go with shower. Behind the shower curtain hides the maid, naked. There we go. Holding a large loofah. So he's written for his age demographic. That's good. The man smiles and they both step under the shower. Bolero. Sounds in the background.

Punctuated with moans and groans. Punctuated. Is Bolero the one from the movie 10? Yeah, with Dudley Moore and Bo Derek. I like that we get more, we hear more

of the old man and the maid rooting than we do of the fit young couple. Yeah. I love the eclectic music taste. Frank Sinatra. Yes. Girl from Ipanema. Bolero.

All right, let's get on. It's rare not to go too inside baseball, but when you do a pitch for a TV show or a film, it's rare that you're asked to, in the synopsis, include the colour of the clothing and all the soundtrack choices as well. I hope the last one's Pitbull. DJ Khaled!

Somebody wants something. He's like, who let the dogs out? Me, me, me, me. And then they laugh. Mmm, Gangnam style. Take me to the winds of change.

Act four. Act four. This is it, guys. So if you've been holding anything in, here's the... Fucking hell. The sun is setting on the bay. We hear the distant swale of an ambulance siren.

What? Oh, fuck. This is dark. Here comes the money shot. Now, I reckon just read the very last bit without interruption. Okay. The distant swale of an ambulance siren.

It comes nearer and nearer and finally arrives at the house. The hysterical Filipino maid greets to the men with a stretcher. Soon they discover it is too late. Dead. But what an afternoon of fun he had. Give it up. Give it up for Damien Hegarty, everyone. I cannot wait to see your fans recreate that live.

It's going to be great. Is your dad David Lynch? So just to be clear, your dad's fantasy where anything can happen is him dying. Dead at the end. Him having a shower with a Filipino maid and then carking it the next day. Fucking hell. And it's called, just to reiterate, the Eye of the Tiger. Eye of the Tiger.

The Eye of the Tiger. Life's a journey, isn't it, folks? That brings us to the end of the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Huge round of applause for our guests, Becky Lucas, Josh Earle, Nick Capa. Thank you so much for coming out and we'll see you next time. See you, mates.

Give it up for Tommy Dastlow and Carl Chandler, everyone. What an evening of fun we had. We're back. We're back. We're back. We've done it again. We've done it again. We've come back.

We've rooted on the yacht. The yacht in Canberra. Yeah, we've both climaxed. That dirty old man was looking at us through his telescope. Wow. Oh, yeah, right. You know, that thing. That thing that happened.

That just happened. Right, right, right. I get it now. I get comedy. I get podcasts. So, man, that was heaps of fun. Canberra. Heaps of fun.

Wow. Great show. Hopefully the recording was fine yeah should I sizzle this up I texted my dad the day after the episode saying thanks so much

for sending us that and he said no worries got 16 more volumes underway so great look let's hear from the if people want to hear more of this more of this kind of filth

it was a lot of work to get this out of dad I'll say that it took a lot of work to get this out of Dad. I'll say that. It took a lot of – it took three weeks of constant hassling and reminding him, but I think it paid off. Yeah. And if people want more of it, then I'm happy to solicit this. Yeah, yeah.

Maybe we can save a couple for live shows along the way since that went so well in Canberra. Well, it would be weird to just sit here in one of our houses and just read out porno that a 71-year-old has written. Oh, no. Something about an audience kind of justifies it to me. Yeah, okay. All right.

Well, I still think that would be fine if there's, you know, four of us or whatever, but sure. Hey, we've come to that section. People that subscribe to patreon.com slash the little dum-dum club, thank you very much for doing that. And if you haven't done that before, look into it. We're putting out great bonus episodes all the time, which is what you get.

You not only get the warm fuzzy feeling of supporting our art, but you also get actual bonuses. For those people that thanks isn't enough. We need new content. Well, we got it. So as you go to the website, you'll find out that, and it's all linked to our website, you'll find out that and it's all linked to our website you'll find out that

for five dollars or above you get a magazine and we put out the November one and it was a cracker I think I'm going to say

in our humble opinion it was a cracker I'm getting lumped into this yeah okay I'm saying what you think and I'm also you know what

I'm tarring you with the brush that you have a humble opinion as well yeah I don't think my opinion's that humble okay so that's the part I take offense to well to be that you have a humble opinion as well. Yeah, I don't think my opinion's that humble. Okay. So, that's the part I take offense to. Well, to be fair, I've just said how good it is.

So, maybe I don't have a humble opinion either. So, yeah. So, that's heaps of fun. And then for 10 plus, you get a complete bonus episode of which the November one, I think, was one of the best we've ever done. Yeah, it was fun. It was very interesting and a bit different for us, but heaps of fun. And then the live one that we have just done,

when people hear this, will be going out next month. You know what? I'm going to say that that is the best one we've ever done. But is this, am I right? So if people subscribe from now, they'll get that? No. No? Okay.

No, they've just missed the boat on that one. Well, they've just missed the boat. But hey, you know, two in a row. Yep. We're on a hot streak. We're going to keep it going. Yep? Okay. No, they've just missed the boat on that one. Well, they've just missed the boat. But hey, you know, two in a row. Yep. We're on a hot streak. We're going to keep it going. Yep, exactly. And of course, you also get your little name read out

if it's above five bucks or something. Yeah, yeah. And also if the random name generator deems you worthy. Totally. Totally. It's out of my hands, as we all know. I know people run in and say, I haven't had my name read out. Thank you, and I appreciate that, but all I can do is punch it into the…

It feels like it's out of our hands. I wouldn't even say it's in God's hands. What's higher than God? That's how high up this goes. The random name generator. The random name generator. Yeah, that's higher. That's where the name God came from.

Yeah. The random name generator spat it out. Yes. Fuck, does he put in to Patreon as well? That's higher. That's where the name God came from. Yeah. The random name generator spat it out. Yes. Fuck, does he put in to Patreon as well? That's great. I bet he only puts two bucks in. Fucking tight ass. I'd like to think if God Comedy was chipping in,

he'd have the resources to give a little more than $69. Hang on. I'm just writing something down. That just gives me an idea. Just settle. Yeah. Okay. Right. Cool. Now we. Just settle. Yeah. Okay.

Right. Cool. Now we're back concentrating. So we've already had a long day. Yeah. We've been recording a bunch of stuff before this. Yeah. It's a hot day.

Yeah. How many do you want to do? How many names? Yeah. One name. Just one name? Yep. One name, five times with slight variance on the name.

What do you think? Okay. So one name and then sort of changing the letters around five times. There's only enough letters in it for there to be five possible combinations. I'm going to put the letters from the first person's name into the random letter generator. Okay. And so it takes some out, puts some in, different order. And with the random letter generator,

it's one of those apps where you get to use it five times and then you have to start paying. Yes. So we can't write – It's the demo version. Yeah. So we don't want to run at a loss here. We've got the shareware version.

Yeah. Well, this might go terribly. So you don't want to pay for it, have it forever and never use it again. Yes. Yeah. Okay. All right. I'm fine with this.

Yeah. I mean that makes – I'm surprised we even had to explain any of that. This seems agreeable yeah sure okay thank you to Patreon subscribers thank you to all these people

who send us money and say thank you in a monetary way for us being absolute geniuses for an hour every week yes or an hour and a half

or whatever the fuck we do so by the way we should can we talk about this very quickly you see these reviews every now and then on our iTunes and stuff of people going like, oh, it's just this.

It's just this like childish smut fest. As if that's like a failing of us. That's what we set out to do. So mission accomplished. Well, I don't agree with it anyway. I think what we do is it's not that bad. And whoever said that can suck my big dick. Okay.

There we go. So, thank you to Patreon subscribers. The first, the original name. Here we go. Patreon subscribers. Number one, thank you to Ashlyn Guthrie. Ashlyn. Ashlyn, yeah. Ashlyn ashlyn yeah ashlyn i've never heard that before really ashlyn i gotta say you there was a sting in the tail there i really

thought i was i was bracing myself to hear ashley i've never been more certain of anything in my life it's a bit of an m night shamalan sort of a thing it wasn't a night ashlyn yeah you didn't didn't see it coming and and um bang now nickname, there was a guy at my school with the last name Guthrie and he had the nickname Gutters. I wonder if she gets gutters. Oh, man, you know, I think girls are less likely to get those sort of nicknames than guys, aren't they? Maybe.

Because it just sounds so blokey and so stupid and so base that I think – I mean, girls don't get – do girls get as many nicknames and guys, aren't they? Maybe. Because it just sounds so blokey and so stupid and so base that I think – I mean, girls don't get – do girls get as many nicknames as guys? I feel like any time a girl – I mean, they don't even get their name. They get – like, nickname is named after a guy to start with. Very good. Well, Nicole name. Oh, yeah, Nicole name.

That's the female nickname, Nicole name. Nicole name. What's your Nicole name? Any time a girl has a Nicole name, I reckon it's always come from a guy. Right. I reckon they have them, but I don't think it's a thing girls decide that they should do to each other. Yeah.

It's a bloke going. Right. I can't imagine someone going up to Ashlyn and going, hey, knackers, what's going on? Well, so my friend Gutters, he was, I don't know if you had anyone like this at your school, the kid whose parent teacher at the school. Now, that's a tough life.

Yeah. No escape. Yeah, I had one or two of those. Yeah. Yeah, and then you don't. Now, what would you prefer in that situation? Would you prefer to be taught by your… Two chicks at the same time. Would you prefer to be taught by your... Two chicks at the same time. Would you prefer to be taught by

your parent or be in the other class? See, I'm very... I get very paranoid in very, like, unrealistic ways. So, I would hate being taught by my parent, but also I would have a fear that, oh, my friends are in that class and dad's just up there talking shit about me.

Yeah. That would be my concern, that I'm not there to monitor it. I'd be more, you know, sort of scared that the other kids are in that class with my dad and they're all hanging shit on him. Oh, Mr Chandler, what a fucking... Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is that thing because, you know, you're very... You can be the most critical of your parents,

but then when your friends would meet them and you'd go, you know, if people pile on your dad a little bit too much, it's like, that's my fucking dad. Yeah, yeah, totally, totally. Only I get to say he's a stupid cunt. Yeah, yeah, totally, totally. And I don't know about the dynamic of going from school to home. Like, does your dad then turn into a bit more of a teacher at home as well?

I guess he's a teacher. You're just always going to be a teacher. Is there a thing where you're not – I swear there's a thing where you're not allowed to be in a class with your parent as a teacher. Really? Maybe. It feels like it should be a thing. Yeah. I think it's a thing that people just think is a good idea.

I don't think there would be a rule about it because you get small towns and there's only one teacher. That's fair. Yeah, that's fair. Well, thanks, Ashlyn. Thanks, Asho. Thanks, Gutters. I hope that Nicole name sticks.

I hope the term Nicole name sticks. Yeah, me too. That's the one thing we take out of this. Yeah. That's good. I'm a fan. All right. I've just got to hit the button.

Okay. Oh, rearrange the letters. Yep. The random letter generator, as I explained. Yep. A couple of minutes ago. Demo version is watermarked across the screen. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You can't, yeah. If you're going to use this name, a photo of this name. Everyone would know. You have to get the watermark off it. It's one of those ones you spend an hour or two in Photoshop getting the name, the watermark off it. Thank you to Patreon. Here we go. It's finished. It does take a while, watermark over. Thank you to Patreon. Here we go.

It's finished. It does take a while, the demo version. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Matthew Lyons. Matthew Lyons. Well, I am not lying when I say I appreciate this money. Yeah. He might as well be Matthew not whistling Dixie about giving us a bit of sweet cash. Lyons.

The king of the financial jungle. Yeah. Lions. What else? The lion's king as far as I'm concerned. In what way? The lion king. Well, why is he that?

He's the king because he's giving us money. Oh, the king. Oh, you like – king is a good thing. Yeah. He's generous. Okay, I get that. How is king not a good thing? Very anti-monarchy over you.

Yeah, yeah. I would have said Matthew Presidents. He's like, he took us when we were a little cub and he held us up, you know, over the cliff, just watching all, just, you know, everything in front of you. And he said, one day all of this content will be yours. I've got to say, never seen The Lion King. You've got to say. I've got to say it.

This is a bombshell. I'm outing myself. That's not surprising. Because you would have been, what, like 35 when that came out? No. No, but you would have been well outside the target audience. But I've got to say that it is one of those ones that there's so many pop culture references have sprung from it that you just

have to sort of learn vaguely the things that people say about it and you go, oh, yeah, the circle of life. Cool. Yeah, but that's true of heaps of things. There's so many things that are so ubiquitous that you feel like you've seen them even though you've never seen a single frame. Yeah, yeah, sure. But I guess with something like The Godfather, people say something like,

oh, yeah, I haven't seen it, but no one has. Yeah. You know, Lion King, I feel like everyone I know. You think no one has seen The Godfather? Yeah, no one's seen it. No one's seen it. Yeah, have you seen it? No. Exactly.'s seen it. Yeah, have you seen it? No.

Exactly. There we go. Proves my case. 100% rock solid theory. I have it. I have a box somewhere that I've got to… You have a box set of it? I've got the trilogy, yeah.

Oh, right. Okay, well, you know. I will say it takes a long time to get going. I started watching it. Right. And I thought, you know, like when you watch one of the greats, you think you're just going to have your socks rocked off from the first

frame. And I was 15 minutes in and going, oh, this is one of those. I've got to kind of persevere for a good halfer. And I just didn't have it in me at the time. Yeah, all of a sudden, it's a lot easier to watch the movie where Adam Sandler dresses up as his sister or whatever. Totally, because that's like, you're getting your rocks

off at the same time. Jack and Jill. Yes. Jack, my tiny dick off. You're Jack and you're Jill. And Jill, my tiny dick off. Have we done that before? It feels like something we would have done. Yeah.

I feel like we've done everything at this point. Right, right. 374 episodes. We haven't done the random letter generator before. Yeah, but no, that was the last thing we hadn't done. Right, okay. That was the last thing left and now we've done everything. Right, right.

We've done every conceivable bit on this podcast. We've clocked content. Yes. Wow, okay. That's sort of exciting and depressing at the same time. Thanks, Matty Lyons. Thanks, Lyons. Thank you to Patreon subscriber and this is a regular on the socials.

Thank you to Michelle Edwards. Wow, the random letter generator took no time there. I know. This is bizarre. It has warmed up. I'm getting so au fait with the technology now that former just happened. I'll tell you what, this is turning into a good ad for the random letter generator, to be honest.

I feel like I'm not even using it. They should be paying us. This is quality content. Well, it is a good product. I don't like to spruik when we're not being paid. Not good enough to pay for it. They should be paying us. This is quality content. Well, it is a good product. I don't like to spruik when we're not being paid. Not good enough to pay for it, but the demo version is all you need. That was silky smooth

the way that happened then, as you all heard in your ears. Michelle Edwards. Yeah, Michelle. Attractive name. I'm putting it out there. Wow, huge. Yeah. Michelle. Yeah. Can't see how you can go wrong with Michelle. Michelle, you know what?

Michelle, good name for your kid. Interesting. Oh, this is what I was going to tell you. This episode that people just heard, the Canberra episode, right before the episode started, me and Josh were debating whether we should do a bit in the episode where we pretend that in the car ride up you had told us that you were going to have a kid and you would like deny it and we'd go oh no he doesn't

want to announce it yet we just thought that would be a lot of fun to just string that out for an hour and then just the socials if we just committed we were like can we get the listeners to believe that this is real yeah that's sort of funny michelle chandler yeah michelle that's a good it's it is a good name it's a good name it's not too sexy it's not okay it's not too ugly it's it's i wouldn't say it's right in the middle it's it's up a little bit from the middle so you don't want to give you so if you have a daughter you don't want to give them a sexy name no right i don't want to give them a sexy name. No. Right. I don't want to call my daughter… Mum Chandler. No.

Sapphire or give it… Right, okay. You know, some sort of sexy stripper name or anything like that. Well, there's a difference between a name that sounds sexy and a name that is just a name that a stripper has. Well, Sapphire is sexy as well, isn't it? It's sort of… I mean, that's why a stripper got it to start with.

But that's a pseudonym that they would use. What do you think is just a sexy, just like a normal birth name? Samantha. You think Samantha? Totally. Okay. There's so many sexy Samanthas in history. Samantha from Sex and the City.

Samantha Fox, the topless model in the 80s. Samantha from Bewitched. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's all. That's three. That's all you need. Yeah. That's all you need.

It's a rule of three. If you've got three, it's like someone said once, Stephen Wright said once, if you do a joke work three times, bang, that's a good joke. There you go. If you have three sexy instances of a name, bang, sexy name. So you would be anxious about giving a daughter the name Samantha. Yes.

Because what? Boys at school are going to be looking at her birth certificate and going, Yeah. But they'll do roll call and some of the kids in class will just ejaculate straight away. Boom. Like the secret sound.

I don't know what happened. Right. And then because you named your daughter and that caused those boys to ejaculate, you're up on charges. Butterfly effect. You basically made these boys ejaculate. Yeah. That's a crime.

The butterfly effect have come. I name a child and then years later, boom, every boy in the primary school's dick ejaculates. Like that, what's that rumour about that certain musical frequency that makes people shit themselves? The brown sound. This is like that. The white sound.

The white sound. Yeah. Is that what the Beatles were trying to do with the white album? Make an album so good that people are just coming constantly as they listen to it? Well, that's what they were trying to do. And an earlier attempt at that was to call their song Michelle. But as we all know now, not quite sexy enough.

Yes. Finally, we've broken it open. Yeah. Yeah. This call their song Michelle. But as we all know now, not quite sexy enough. Yes. Finally, we've broken it open. This is like Song Exploder. This is great. Anyway, thanks Michelle. Thanks Michelle. Thank you too. Long time coming this one. A friend of yours and mine now because this is

one of the tight band crew, the OG crew of the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival. You're not even mentioning the random letter generator anymore. It's just working seamlessly in the background to a degree that you don't even know that it's happening. Now, what a fantastic

advertisement. Well, I've just found out it's got voice recognition because as soon as I read out the last one, it just went, okay, on to the next one. Chuck, yep. Chuck a few of those letters out. Chuck a few new ones in. Scramble it up. Done.

And this is what we've got. Original member, original goer, participant of the, pass holder of the Coastal Million Podcast Festival, and I believe is signed up to go again next year. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Linda Moulton. Linda, yes. Of New York City.

New York City, the greatest city in the world. She got mentioned three weeks ago now on the show with Aunty Donna. Oh, did she? Yeah, they met her. She went to one of their shows in New York because they were there around the site. Because she came to Samui. We talked about this at the time, but she came to Samui because she thought, you know, I live in New York. I'm never going to get to see these guys live.

This is as good as it's going to get. She gets home and bugger me down within two weeks, we've announced that we're doing a gig in New York City. Yep, yep, yep. But hey, she came along to that too. Great person. Yes, she came along to the Coastal Movie Podcast Festival and was one of many that had an absolute ball.

She's back. She's doing it again. She is. And she was telling me that she's on the verge of becoming a doctor. Wow. So she is very close to being Dr. Dr. Moulton. I like it. Yeah.

Dr. Moulton. Well, I don't think she's close to being Dr. Dr. Moulton. She's close to being Dr. Moulton. Right. Okay. I just thought that's how it works. The Dr. Dr. Ramsey thing, we've never really worked out. Right.

I think you have to lose your mind. Right. You be a doctor and then you go crazy and then you're the Dr. Dr. Well, New York City is thought that's how it works. The Dr. Ramsey thing, we've never really worked out. Right. I think you have to lose your mind. Right. You be a doctor and then you go crazy and then you're the doctor doctor. Well, New York City is the right place for it. To go crazy, lose your mind and walk the streets forever. I did not know that that's a thing she was studying. That's cool. She could be the official doctor of the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival.

I would say that she would be one of the few doctors that listen to this show, wouldn't you? No, a very good friend of mine listens who is a doctor. Okay. Well, I'd say that they're the only two doctors that listen. No, I reckon you'd be surprised. I reckon you'd be surprised. All right.

Well, let us know if you are a doctor and what you are a doctor of. Very happy to boost this show's credentials. Very happy to know that there are some – is there anyone that is a member of Mensa that listens to this show? That I'd like to know. How smart. That's what I'd like to do. I'd like to see –

What's the highest IQ of an audience member that we have? Yes. Who's the smartest? Where does it bottom out? Yeah. How smart can you be and still listen to this show? All right. Thank you to – Oh, thanks, Linda. Thanks, Linda. Yeah. How smart can you be and still listen to this show? All right. Thank you to – oh, thanks, Linda.

Thanks, Linda. Yeah, thanks very much, Linda. Looking forward to seeing you again in June 2018. She was one of the people that went to the Russian strip club that we went to on the final night. I did not go. You didn't go? I didn't go.

Why didn't you go? I'd gone to bed. Okay. Well, what a final night party that was. It was a long day and to be honest, I did not enjoy the strip club but you know, it was a nice little full stop on the whole thing.

And so that's thanks to Linda and now we've got just the one more. Oh, it's flashing up saying one left before you have to start paying. It's already come up asking for the credit card details. Oh, yeah. Here we go.

No, thank you. So once I hit this, that's – you know, I start getting the whole paywall after this. Yeah. So, all right. Well, I guess it was worth it for one week. This was good. Yeah. We should try and find a way to hack it and, you know, like just – maybe I'll get it from my account next week and we'll get another go of it for free yeah nice

or we could use this money to to buy our own license version but you know it just doesn't i know but with the spirit of the whole patreon you know people are chipping money for us we've got the money and it has been pretty worthwhile yeah seems like a pretty good app i mean it it's not that expensive it says here here. How much is it? $69. For an app? Yeah. That's expensive for an app. But if we're using it every week, and you know, you can't go without randomly...

So, for example, if we use it for 69 weeks, all of a sudden... That's a dollar a week. That's a dollar a week. Yeah. That's not too bad. Okay, that's not too bad at all. You tell me another way we can do this without randomly messing up letters in people's names. Yeah, there's no other way of doing it. All right, look, let's sign it.

We'll talk about it. Go halves in it. That's $34.50 each. Yeah, okay. That's a good deal. All right, bang. And here we go. The fifth one for this week and final, if I may say that.

Right, okay. Interesting. Right. Well, they've saved a good one for last anyway. Well, it's just random. I know. There's no saving. I know.

It just seems like that. And let's remember these are all just different interpretations of the first name that we read out. Ashlyn Guthrie. Ashlyn Guthrie. This is an evolution. I can't believe that those letters are all just in these other names. With a few letters put in and a few taken out, of course. But that's the, hey, that's the genius of the letter generator.

That's life. That's the genius of the random letter generator. It can do everything. But, yeah, okay, it has randomly generated a name. And, oh, did I tell you that there's another function of the random letter generator where... No, you didn't. another function of the random letter generator? No, you didn't. It's like the random name generator.

You know how it used to give a bit of detail? Yeah, yeah, yeah. For each person? Yes. It's given the detail. It's randomly given the detail. It's given out some random details. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, that's good. Yeah, some random details. I mean, why not bring that up before when I was debating whether it was worth $69? That's absolutely worth the money. Right, right. Well, there wasn't a lot of interesting stuff for the other people, so it didn't cross my mind. But this one's got a little bit of interesting stuff. Fantastic.

Yeah, yeah. So, thank you to Patreon subscriber Optimus Comedy. Now, I have to say, and you've got a better memory than me, this may be the first robot that has subscribed to our Patreon. Well, I mean, yes, Optimus is the name of a famous robot.

Okay. Which one? Optimus Prime. Right. I wouldn't have jumped to the gun like you and just automatically assumed that because it's got the same name, it's also definitely a robot. I'm reading the…

But I also, I don't have the information in front of me. Yeah, exactly. No, yeah, it's a robot that gives us money. Okay. Yep, every week. Yep. It is a, it's something, it changes its shape. Yeah.

Oh, so like a. It's a shape-changing robot. It transforms from one thing into another. I wouldn't go that far. I would say it changes, it randomly, it's a random form generator, really, all in one robot. I mean, the word for it is just transformation. Okay. Well, that's your word for it.

Like how this show went from being pretty good to really bad once we started doing this bit in it. That's not your word for it. I mean, I'm using my words for it so that I'm legally covered. Okay. I'm using my words for it so that I'm legally covered. Okay. It randomly generates its own form, new forms all the time. So can I ask what it randomly generates from and then into?

Yes. From a man into a purse. And so then we get the money out of the purse. Oh, we dip into the purse. Right. So this is just more of a functional thing. It's not – I mean there's not – are there kind of – is there like another type of robot that it's fighting against,

you know, like the deceptive content? Well, I believe we have to get the full upgrade to get that much information. Okay, right, right, right. From the random letter generator. Again, this is going to be really worthwhile. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's just a man into a purse, which is sort of one of the lamer. But when you say man, like a human.

No, like a big robot man. Like a robot, humanoid robot. Humanoid, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Were you confused by that? Sorry. Well, you said man. Yeah, well, a man.

Look, I don't see the picture of Optimus comedy right here. I'm just going with what – Why not? Don't tell me that's behind the paywall as well. That's the paywall. That's what you get for $69 a month or whatever it is. $69 all up. Optimist Comedy.

Optimist Comedy. Yeah. I like it. Yeah. Yeah, it's a good name, I think. It is good. It is – it does make me wonder where that is on the comedy family tree. That was going to be my next question.

This feels like it's – I mean, this is completely separate. Maybe someone on the comedy family tree invented Optimus Comedy. Maybe this robot isn't called Optimus Comedy at all. Maybe it's like Frankenstein. It's not called Frankenstein. It's Frankenstein's monster. Oh, so it's what? It's Optimus Comedy's monster?

Yeah. Optimus – yeah,? Yeah. Optimus... Yeah, I don't know. No, I think there's, you know, perhaps there's some kind of... Is there perhaps some kind of like crazy inventor within the comedy family? Well, maybe we'll find out in the weeks to come.

Who knows? Gizmo comedy. Who knows with the crazy sort of generators we use here on this show. It's just coincidence after coincidence on this show in the last few months. Is it a coincidence if there's nothing but coincidences? Is that still a coincidence? You mean once coincidences become the new established norm, are they still – yeah, that's interesting.

I've never thought of it like that. Well, some of you doctors out there can figure that one out. All right. Well, thanks, Optimus Comedy. Yeah, thank you. On behalf of us and, dare I say it, all mankind, thank you. Yeah, thank you for being… For going, and turning into a purse.

Thank you for being one of the more generous robots I know of. Yeah, really appreciate that. And also, how do you earn your money as a robot? into a purse. Thank you for being one of the more generous robots I know of. Yeah. Really appreciate that. And also, how do you earn your money as a robot? Well, I mean, it doesn't need to. It's a purse. It just turns into a purse and the money is just in there. So we get part of that robot every time?

I guess. It's not magic, is it? Like, does it generate new currency? Because that would be against the law. That's like a self-minting robot. Yeah, well. Is this legal tender we're even getting? This feels pretty big.

Yeah. This feels almost like we're going to get into trouble with the laws of physics at the very least. All right. Thanks, everyone who contributes every month. This is why we need more smart people to listen to this show, to figure out what we're talking about. LittleDumbDumbClub.com for the links to the Patreon if you want to chip in and get some sweet rewards every month,

bonus episodes, a magazine. Yes, you can also find all the details of the live shows we have coming up. We would love to see you at one of them. Thank you very much for listening, everyone, and we will see you next week. See you, mates.