The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 377 - Dave Callan & Dave O'Neil

Episode Date: December 26, 2017

Fresh from their appearances on our recent countdown, this week we welcome DAVE CALLAN and DAVE O'NEIL back onto the show! After some initial confusion about which podcast Callan has been booked for, we get down to finding out what happened to both of their wedding presents, why Callan brought a sword to Karl's wedding, which basslines O'Neil can play PLUS The Dum Dum Best of 2017 Awards! Don't forget, we have a bunch of huge live shows coming up:MARYBOROUGH: Is this the worst idea ever? Let's find out! We're doing a live show in Karl's hometown. JANUARY 13.BRISBANE: We're coming back for an afternoon of huge live podcasts! MARCH 10.ADELAIDE: God help us, we're coming back. Don't make us regret it. MARCH 17MELBOURNE: We've got a month of awesome live shows happening for the month of APRIL. KOH SAMUI: The Koh Samui International Podcast Festival is happening again in 2018 with guests The Dollop! JUNE 13 - 18. For tickets, merchandise, links to our Patreon and heaps of other stuff, head to our website: littledumdumclub.com  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Dave O'Neill and Dave Callan. But first of all, we have some big announcements of live shows coming up all around the country in early 2018. Carl, what's first? Anywhere near and dear to your heart? A place where I was born and bred. It's in country Victoria or central Victoria. It's 2018 then.

It's a place called Maryborough. Yes. Now, I've heard you mention this once or twice before. A sleepy little hamlet. No, it's actually not very sleepy because there's a lot of ice going on. Yeah, not much sleep. The opposite of sleepy. A very awakey little hamlet.

Yeah, yeah. A very stabby hamlet. To get fucked or not ice going on. Yeah, not much sleep. The opposite of sleep. A very awakey little hamlet. Yeah, yeah. A very stabby hamlet. To get fucked or not to get fucked. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, it's going to be super exciting. We've been promising. We've been threatening it, I would say, instead of promising. We've been threatening it for years and years,

so we're finally doing it. So it's going to be heaps of fun. There's probably going to be a little bit more info about this gig during this episode. Oh, interesting. Yeah. So keep listening. Don't just turn off right now.

Five seconds into the podcast. This is a rare moment for us where we're doing the ad before the actual episode. So who knows? Yep. Yep. So what's the date? January 13th? Yep.

Saturday night, 7pm at the Violent Society, Knee Highland Society. So, guys, hey, let us know if you need accommodation organised or something. Why? We're not doing it for you. No, not accommodation. I mean, because we were talking about this the other day. Should there be, if people need to band together

or maybe use our social media to organise a bus or something like that. Yes, yes. Some people are a bit worried about driving up there by themselves or however it works because the PT isn't very good to get up there. So, yeah, get onto our social medias or whatever if you think a bus would be a good idea because we could co-facilitate that, I guess, a little bit. Yeah, we can get a bit of it.

Well, let's get a thread going in the people aware of the little Dum Dum Club group. Yeah, yeah. People want to organise something. Join our group on Facebook or talk to us on Twitter or the normal fan page on Facebook. So, yeah, happy to help a hand in terms of people getting up there together. Yeah.

Because, I mean, it is a bit… Safety in numbers. Yes. And we know there are a few sort of car loads and stuff going already together, which is more than fair enough. So, yeah, hit us up if that's your concern. Also, we have just locked in a date in Brisbane at – well, around the Brisbane Comedy Festival.

That is all available at our – I don't like it when you mention the names of these comedy festivals. Okay. It's in March. Coinciding with the month of March. Yeah. Mid-March. March Festival.

The Ides of March. Yes. That's what we're doing to celebrate the Ides of March. Yes. Great. Ed 2, dumb cunt. Yes. Thumbs down.

Yes. So hit up our website to find out Brisbane. Brisbane, you guys are fanatical. You guys are the best. So go to our website now to find out what dates, what venue and how to get tickets. Also, in that same very month, we are celebrating other things, aren't we? We're going to Adelaide. Fuck me dead.

Actually, it's not selling too bad so far. Yeah, but what's that mean? Three. That's up from previous years. No, it's selling well. It's selling at a nice little clip so far. But I think this will be it. This will be it.

This will be it for the next two months. Like we'll sell no more. Fuck. Honestly, I mean, how many times have we been down this road before? I think this is the third time that we've said this is the last time. I am fucking infuriated. As soon as we put the message out, immediately get hit up by messages. Oh, yeah, I'm not going to that. Oh, there's something else on that day.

Yep. Fucking hell. Yep. Oh. I don't know. I don't know. To be fair, that happens in every city. It does happen in every city, but it doesn't register because it's like,

well, you know it'll be fine. Life is too short, you know. To go to Adelaide. To go to Adelaide. I'm really. Look, if this doesn't pan out, this 2018 trip to Adelaide, I'll tell you what. 2019, instead of going to Adelaide,

let's just do the Costa Mui Podcast Festival twice. Awesome. Please. People want to go to that. Would you be okay with that? I'll run it by my advisors, which is me, and I'm giving it a thumbs up. The wife, she said no. Yeah, you know, I won't run it past her.

So, yes, that is going to be fun. It is actually selling okay so far. But, hey, you know, don't let that make you go, oh, well, they're doing fine. I'll just sit on it until the last minute. No. I'll sell this out in advance. I'll put it out there.

If this fucking thing doesn't sell properly soon, I am fucking itching to pull it, to pull the fucking show. Yeah, I just think it's the boy who cried wolf at this point. You've said this the last three times and you've still ended up doing the gig and having a good time. No one buys it, mate. I'm doing it early. No one buys it.

Well, you watch. You fucking watch. I will be happy to prove you fucking wrong. Well, it's on my account, so I will say. Well, I have the launch codes. If I don't fucking show up, fucking wrong. Well, it's on my account, so I will say. Well, if I don't – I have the launch codes. If I don't fucking show up, there's no show, mate. I think I'll have a great time.

Fuck. Anyway, yes, Adelaide. Then also we have the month of shows in April in Melbourne. Love the month of April. Always, always a great time in Melbourne. Every Sunday afternoon, get on the website, find out the exact dates. What is it, like the second, I think? Is it like the second or the third?

Why speculate when people can just go and get it definitively? Well, I thought you knew. I think it's the second, ninth, sixteenth, twenty-third. Yeah, there you go. There you go. Three o'clock. We've done it every year for a bunch of years, and they're always massive, massive names, all that sort of stuff.

So get on that. Season tickets are right there. As always, go to the website, find out exactly what is going on with all the dates. And I think that's it, isn't it? That's all we have. There's a looming spectre of the Coastal Movie Podcast. Spectre?

Yeah. It's kind of ominous. Yeah. It's sort of a bad thing. No. A spectre's not. Can there be good spectres? No one goes, oh, goody, a spectre.

Fuck yeah, the Grim Reaper's here Well is there positive spectres? I don't think there's positive spectres Phil's spectre Bad spectre Hey good music Very very Yeah

That was good music Yeah Look that was a good spectre throughout the 60s From what we knew Yes Yeah There's probably heaps of stuff we don't know. Totally.

Totally. But there are positive bits of spectres. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Good. I'm glad we all agree with me. You're talking, of course, about the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival.

Yes. And that's coming up in mid-June. So, yeah, look, I know people need a bit of advance warning. Man, so many – this is the opposite of Adelaide. So many fucking people are coming already. This is more than official. This is easy to say. More people are coming already six months out,

are booked in, than came last year. More tickets sold, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And more rooms booked, more everything. Yeah, it's crazy. More podcasts involved. Yes, twice as many in a way.

More chance of death. Well. I mean, everything's going up. A lot of guests coming as well by the sound of it. Oh, really? Yeah, it's going to be interesting. I haven't heard any confirmation of that yet. Oh, haven't you?

We've been keeping that very close to the vest. Well, it's like, you know, you've got the launch codes for Adelaide, I've got them for Costa Maldon. Fair. Yeah. So get along to that. Man, lots of live shows. Very exciting.

Yep. All good stuff. You can chip in to us on Patreon. If you like what you hear and getting it for free, you can support the show and it is very much appreciated from us. We send out some great rewards like a bonus episode every month, a little magazine that we put a lot of hard work into with articles and cartoons and special stuff written by guests of the show.

It's a really good time. Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub if you'd like to contribute. We also read your name out. That is happening at the guests of the show. It's a really good time. Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub if you'd like to contribute. We also read your name out. That is happening at the end of the show, so stick around for that. But meanwhile, tickets and everything, LittleDumbDumbClub.com and enjoy this new episode. Hey, mates, welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us.

My name is Tommy Daslow and sitting across from me as always, the other half of the show, Carl Chandler. G'day dickhead. What are you looking at on your phone and shrugging for? I've just written all my little notes for this episode on my phone and now realising I can't really read them, that's all. Okay, what is it about, is this an age thing where you're now, you're needing to be one of those people that has the text super big?

Absolutely not. Absolutely not. I've got perfect eyesight. No, I've just, for some reason I have typed all my notes out on the laptop, then taken a photo of that. And now I'm trying to look at that. This is unbelievable. Yeah.

It's not great. This is unbelievable. This is our final episode For 2017 Anything you want to You know going forward What are your plans For 2018 with the podcast Oh news resolutions

Yes News podcast resolutions To do a good one Okay To finally do a good one Finally do a good one Alright We'll see if we get there

Yeah Hey maybe this will be Our first good one of 2017 Who knows What the last one Yeah I'm feeling good about it so far Alright fingers crossed Let's get our first good one of 2017. Who knows? What, the last one? Yeah. Yeah, okay. I'm feeling good about it so far.

All right, fingers crossed. Let's get our guests in. First of all, great friend of the show, Dave Callan. Yay! Thank you. Thank you. I am very delighted to be here. I feel we're in good hands.

Well, you, up until an hour ago, you thought you were coming to do an episode of the Video Games Podcast that I co-host. Yeah, I was ready to share all my video gaming stories. Well, now I'm going to bash you, you fucking nerd. Hey, try and bash me, I'm a fucking ninja, bitch. The thing that tipped me off was you

sent me a message saying, what's the topic for today? And I thought, just probably being a dumb cunt in general as it always is. This guy's not familiar with the Dumb Dumb Club, obviously,, he's asking what the topic is. Yeah, exactly. The topic is your face. Oh, fuck.

Silly. This guy gets it. Also joining us, great returning friend of the show, Dave O'Neill. Hey, poofs. Excellent. Check out me on your computer game show. I would just slag it off. I hate computer games. What was the last computer game you played? would just slag it off. Yeah. Because I hate computer games.

What was the last computer game you played? Probably Galaga. Right. Probably Frogger. Frogger. I've got a teenager who battles me every day about computers. And we have no computer games. We have no PlayStation.

We have no computer console in the house. So it's a blanket ban in the O'Neill household. He plays it on the computer. Right. And you know what I found out? Now, he told me he was going to the library to meet his friends, but they've got a PlayStation at the library now. Ah, right.

See, this is it. The more you squash it when he's a kid, as soon as he moves out of home to rebel against you, he's going to be one of those guys that's in his room all day playing Smash Bros. How sad is it that some kid has to sneak out of the house to go to the library? To play video games. So O'Neill walks down, bursts in the door of the library, I told you not to come to the library.

Yeah. Get out of the library. Sorry, yeah, the library's evil. I just said, too many comics in their 20s and 30s have wasted their lives on beanbags. Mate, he's right here. He's right here. Fucking hell.

But good up to the next level. You're right, though. I've wasted my 20s and 30s. I've crossed over and I'm currently wasting them as well. I wasted three years of my 40s as well. And continue to do so. See, you're what I aspire to be. You're a gamer.

I know you're a gamer. I enjoy gaming when I was a teenager, but I just, along with... I loved the Atari when I was six years old. Hey, shut up. 50% of the room are not with the other 50%. I've got to say, I did monetize it for a small amount of time. Oh, yeah. Oh, really?

Yeah. How? We were on Good Gaming, that show Good Gaming. I was on Good Gaming. You were too. I've seen you on it. That's the dream. I always say to my son, try and get behind the scenes and make the games.

Surely you guys have thought about that. Yeah. I don't know if it's that profitable, is it? Yeah, it's a pretty tough industry. Yeah. We've got to get your son on our games podcast. Would he do it? Yeah, he might.

He might. But he's like, you know, he talks about these games, but also I just love talking about my kids. I know. It's what I do. I've never met your kids. Yeah. We've It's what I do. I've never met your kids. We've all got stuff going on. I've never met them.

They're not real. I'm fascinated. I'd love to sit down with your kids when they're in their 20s and talk to them about what it was like growing up under the shadow of Dave O'Neill as a father. That's what I'm looking for. And how many gigs that you were at that you left them in the car at? With the window up.

Sex. And the wearer con. What's the eldest now? 14. 14. What's that like, Dave O'Neill, having a 14-year-old? Well, he's almost as big as me. No, he's okay, actually.

What's his name? Jasper. Right. When are you going to name him properly, do you think? Yeah. Did you name him? Well, you know, I named the youngest one Barney. That was my choice.

But Kieran, my partner, picked Jasper. Right. Because you can't argue with a woman giving birth. There's no point. And she's like – Did she name the kid as she was giving birth? Basically, yeah. Right.

Why wasn't the kid called – Yeah. It's not far off, Jasper. But so – and then she's like, it's an original name. And then the other day we were at his high school and this teacher stops and goes, I know you. And my wife goes, yeah, we're Jasper's parents. And she just goes, there's a hundred Jaspers at this school.

Really? But not one Barney. Yeah, there's a lot of Jaspers. There's not one Barney, though. So let me ask you this. Barney, is that named after Barney Rubble from the Flintstones? I think unlikely, or knowing you, Barney Banana, the ice cream. Yeah, a bit of both. And Barney from the Simpsons, the think unlikely or knowing you Barney Banana the ice cream yeah a bit of both

and Barney from the Simpsons the drunk guy oh yeah well don't name a baby that why not I have to say this if I was going to cast a modern day

Flintstones I would cast you as Fred oh totally as Barney oh Tommy Dazzle I'd love to be Fred very nice

you'd do a good Fred Flintstone there was about a 20 year gap between Fred and Barney. I still do a joke about the Flintstones. I'm thinking that people are starting to forget who they are. As long as you don't do a joke about the Sydney 2000 Olympics, which some people do still. I still do jokes about the Terrace Hotline.

I do John Howard jokes. Oh, do you? Well, I'm not into – I should say I miss John Howard and then just go into all the jokes about him. Amazing. I'm quality. You can't miss him too bad. It hasn't affected your ability to do the jokes.

Yeah, true. You just need to put a small caveat on there. Johnny Howard. It's a good Sieg into dated material. Just go, I really miss this thing that hasn't been around for about 20 years. Who remembers this? Then you play a five-minute refresher video just to bring people up to speed. And then you just let rip.

The best is the Gary Who, the Sydney comic, who's been around longer than me. Clang. Clang. He was in Altogether now. And he does racial material about Asians. What? It's like, mate, you've got to update your racism.

They're still around, to be fair. They're not going anywhere. Except back to Asia if I have my way. I think that's pretty topical actually. I saw one the other day. I know but everyone loves Asians these days. It's not about Asians anymore. I reckon the more jarring one with him is

he has a bit of material about the gun buyback scheme. Oh does he? Yeah. He still does. Oh he's doing my stuff. In fairness he might also have a time machine and be making a lot of money. Yeah true. Just going back to 1991. He's on a time machine and be making a lot of money. Yeah, true. Just going back to 1991. He's on a time machine. He's got a cruise ship.

So you're saying he tests the material out in 2017 and goes, well, if it works well here, when there's no context for it, I'll go back to when it's fresh and red. So he's treating this whole year like a year-long open mic. If I had access to time travel, I would definitely do stand-up comedy to make the most of it. To kill with your topical references.

Yeah. Be the first one with a 72 virgins joke back in 2001. Black box. Why don't we make the whole thing out of the black box? Just get O'Neill's whole routine and then go back 20 years and just fuck his career right up. We've heard this. Chandler did all this just before you in the opening spot.

That would be amazing if you discover a time machine and you go back and it's like Looper where you're just going back and influencing yourself. So there's a young Dave O'Neill in the crowd that sees you from the future doing this material and goes, I want to do comedy. It looks so easy. Yeah, that'd be interesting.

Fuck. I don't know if I'd be happy with that. I don't know. I'd be happy with myself. Don't they say it takes a long time to grow into the comedian that you want to be? Because we all have comedians that we like, but that's not the stuff that you're doing at the time. Anyway, whatever.

It can't be too deep. Now, I was very happy. We have actual analysis of comedy. That's a great way to get out of a bit that's not going well. Look, we don't want to get too deep. It's too deep. Anyway. There was a tiny little gap not going well look we don't want to get too deep anyway there was a tiny little gap there

and he was like this is where the hosts take over no fuck them I'll take it from you and we were also like fuck you you can do it

hang out to dry that's alright I've been working on the ABC where it's very deep apparently it's not that deep we did about an hour

on Cracker Night the other day so that was good on ABC radio ABC radio yeah talk about Cracker Night Cracker Night do you remember

you're probably too young Cracker Night was when we used to set up fireworks Radio, yeah. Talked about Cracker Night. Cracker Night. Do you remember? You're probably too young. Cracker Night was when we used to set up fireworks in the paddock on Guy Fawkes Night. Oh, okay. Guy Fawkes Night. Actually, that talkback is a lot like what you're just talking about at stand-up. It's just people ringing up going,

do you remember when this happened? Yeah. That's a lot of ABC talkback, isn't it? Yeah, it is. Do you remember when you used to have a kite? Yeah. Ring in. What colour was your kite?

Do you remember? I remember going on while Ali was doing a show and I did remember when you used to have a kite? Yeah. Ring in. What colour was your kite? Do you remember? I remember going on while Ali was doing a show and I did remember when you had soft drink delivered to your house. Oh, yeah, yeah. And he couldn't believe the concept. He was like, I was talking about aliens landing on his front lawn. I'm like, nah, mate. He goes, no, talk to me through it again.

What happened? I go, this truck used to come around with crates of soft drink and we would get 12 bottles delivered to our house once a week. In a year where we have Uber Eats, he couldn't get his head around it. He couldn't get his head around it. If you told me this was four years ago, I'd go, well, cool, there was nothing like that then. That makes sense.

You mean to tell me they would arrive with no app? How did they know where things were? At school, there was this guy at high school whose parents had a company called 7X. It was named after apparently the secret ingredient in Coca-Cola was called 7X, so they just called the company 7X and they would deliver soft drinks around the place but it didn't go very well as a business

and because we were in like year 11, we fucking destroyed this guy it was just like, 7X, is that the algebra for you fucked up and your family's got no money anymore? The 7 equals nothing and X equals dollars and that's what you've got? Yeah, because they were very localised.

Yeah, yeah. They had little breweries in the towns and suburbs and so they would make the soft drink in Maryborough. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But why? They should have nailed that business if no one else was doing it. Totally. I mean, I remember the thing being like that's why we...

How could you lose out in a low socioeconomic area selling soft drink in the 80s? Hey. Like, that's funny. I don't know why you a low socioeconomic area selling soft drink in the 80s? Hey. Like, that's funny. I don't know why you said low socioeconomic area. Get this kid in here. Neil's got some more bullying for him. My friends at school used to – It's fucking so much better to go back to high school now with what you know now to really bully people.

Oh, yeah, totally. Totally. And stand up to the bullies or even though – Oh, don't stand up to me. It's fine. No. My friends had a kid at their school whose family – all the TVs, they had a couple of TVs, Totally. And stand up to the bullies. Oh, don't stand up to me. It's fine. My friends had a kid at their school whose family, all the TVs, they had a couple of TVs in their house and they were all ones that they had bought from an airport.

And so, you know, old TVs, if you had the same thing on the screen for too long, it would get burnt in there. Yes, yes. So, like, they said they went around and they watched The Matrix on VHS and the bit where they were in the white room, just all you could see was like departures, arrivals. And so this kid, and it's like

it's a socio-economic problem. They've had to buy these TVs second hand. You're not aware of that when you're a kid. And this guy just copped it. Old Anset fuckhead. There's been a delay on you having a proper TV, you pov cunt. My dad used to fix TVs as a part-time job.

Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. He used to fix black and white ones. And then when colour was introduced, his boss killed himself. Whoa. What? Anyway, great to be here. At least you can see the real vivid red in the blood coming out.

He couldn't handle the transition. David, answer your question. That's the topic for today. Suicide. Suicide in the TV industry. Ring in if you've ever killed yourself. This would be a good time for your catchphrase, let's not get too deep.

Let's not get too deep. Now, I've got to bring up the wedding because we haven't – I haven't been on since the wedding. The wedding. Because we were – me and Dave shared a ride out there. We drove out together. Oh, did you? Yeah, I had Danny McGinley and his lovely wife and Dave with his sword.

We got – what? What? Did you have a sword in the car or some sort of – Oh, fuck. Oh, yeah, I did too. I forgot. Have you got something against weddings or something? I was going to fucking red wedding you, Colin.

I was going to go all Game of Thrones on your arms. That's great. If anyone knows any reason why these two should not be wed. You can't be together. You can't be joined. You can't be joined in holy matrimony. This is a Highlander trick. There can be only one.

Your wife's throwing the bouquet out and Dave's just slicing it in midair like it's Fruit Ninja. Fuck yeah. Bouquet Ninja. Yeah, he had a sword. We had to put it down the side of the car to fit it in, didn't we? Yeah, we did because it was rather large. Why did you bring a fucking sword to my wedding?

I just come from ninja training. Oh. Well, we did a gig. Remember we did a gig with Dave years ago at a soccer club organised by Xavier Michaelides. Thanks Xavier, you fuck. It was the same thing. We drove out and you brought a bunch of ninja gear with you which there was a full car and we had to

accommodate all these like fucking all of the Ninja Turtles gear just sitting up on the back ledge. It's bloody thin. It's all swords and sticks and shit. It's not like white. How's the training going? It's lengthwise. You and shit. Had to whack the ninja stars on the fucking hubcaps and everything. How's the training going? It's lengthwise.

You can just slot it in. How's the training going in the ninja world? It's going very well. Are we going to see it on stage at one point? Yeah. I wouldn't mind actually doing a wee show with all the things I can do. The bits and pieces. Well, it's no playing a guitar at the lounge, but the comics lounge.

I'd love to see you ninja up at a venue. The issue is, okay, so the issue is I can't just ninja on my own. I need other people to ninja and be ninja'd by. So this is the problem. Do I get comedians and teach them how to do martial arts or do I get martial artists and teach them how to be funny? What the fuck am I going to do? Do you just get your backup dancers from your other shows and just bash up them?

Okay, yeah, I guess I could. I would get martial artists and just get in a support. Not necessarily, you're the funny one. Get them to be supporting.

Get a martial artist and give them a Kevin Chidi joke book and you'll be set. I just can't see a comedian getting it right and then someone getting their neck broken

or something. Yeah, I guess so. What if it happened to little Tommy Deslow? Oh, he was a stuntman in Dave Kellan's show. Now he's in an Iron Lung or something. Sorry, Tommy guess so. What if it happened to little Tommy Deslow? Oh, he was a stuntman in Dave Kellan's show. Now he's in an iron lung or something. Sorry, Tommy.

That would be good. Do a ninja trick for us right now for the listeners. Okay. Oh, he actually is doing it. He's really going to do something. He's actually doing something. Here we go. Fuck.

He's standing up. He's standing up. Fuck. Oh, my God. He did a forward roll. That's pretty impressive. That's a forward roll. I did that in prep. Yeah, but you can't do it now. I couldn't do that now. Oh, yeah God, he did a forward roll. That's pretty impressive. That's a forward roll. I did that in prep.

Yeah, but you can't do it now. I couldn't do that now. He did a forward roll and then he got up and his dick burst out of his pants like Lenny Kravitz. I've had a boner this whole time. Lenny Kravitz, that gif is my favourite. It's so good. It is a great gif.

Just chucks the rock and roll squat. Yeah. Leather bursts. Dick straight out of the leather pants. Nope. Lenny Kravitz? Did you see his daughter in that show, Big Little Lies? Did you watch that show?

No. You're focusing on the wrong bit of the story. Yeah, okay. You're right. I don't care about what came out of the dick. I just care about seeing the dick in a concert. Yeah, but anyway, Nicole Kidman was in this show with her. Is this the wedding we're back to talking about? Anyway, the director goes, do you know each other?

And this girl went, yeah, she went out with my dad. Oh, wow. Anyway, the wedding. So it was great to be named in the top five. Top 12. But I was actually number four. We haven't had this before. Two very successful comedians with profiles.

Called Dave. Yeah, both called Dave. Both as fucking tight as each other. Both came to my wedding. Did not bring a present to my Dave. Both as fucking tight as each other. Both came to my wedding. Did not bring a present to my wedding. I had a sword to give you. I suspect that Callan doesn't know about this yet. He knows you didn't bring a fucking present.

All right. No, no. I brought you some money in an envelope. Oh, yes. Go on. And I left it at Danny McGinley's house. Oh, that's actually true. That's actually true. Yes, yes. Go on. And I left it at Danny McGinley's house. Oh, that's actually true. That's actually true. Yes, thank you.

And in the card, I was bagging Tommy. Oh, what? The entire card I wrote, I'll give it to you. The entire card is me bagging Tommy for ditching me last minute as a lift for the second wedding in a row this year, 2017.

Oh, wow. everyone's copying it this is great this is a I mean there's a present what a disgusting attempt at getting yourself off the hook

for not bringing a present I've got the the present is Danny McGinley's has a left yeah he did I remember he said in the car

I've left the car what is the rule now I've been told there's some sort of rule I'm keeping it you've got a time you've got a time slot where you can still give people presents or not.

Because Cody's already been on here and gone, no, no, you can't fucking include me because I'm giving you a present. I'm like, cool, where is it? He's like, I don't have it. So he still hasn't. He's come on the episode to deny it already. He still hasn't brought anything along. Right, right.

And there's a few people in that basket out there. So I'm worried about you guys. I thought you guys were doing all right. Dave's reaching into his bag. Do we need to start up a Patreon for you two? No. What's going on? Tony Martin's book that I bought at the airport.

That's for Dassler. That's your present. It's got a Yarra Valley water fucking bill on it. You know what that is? That's my HSC certificate from 1982. What? Are you fucking kidding? Yeah, no, I got it reprinted.

Yeah, have a look. I got 81 in history. Wait a minute, did you go through... How long have you had that... 1992. 82. There you go. How long have you had that bag for?

That you've got your HSC results in it? Have you still not brought them home to show your parents? You got an E in geography. I know, and I was good at geography. Well, you didn't know where you put your fucking results in your bag, so I can understand that. Yeah, mate, we're asking for a wedding present, not for some Obama-style show us your birth certificate

and prove where you came from and how old you are. Mate, look at the stains on it. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Fuck, you've got gravy on your HSC results. Why did you get this pre-printed? You know, I wrote that book, The Summer of 82, which your parents loved, your dad loved, Tommy. I couldn't remember how... The whole book's about

waiting for my HSC results and I couldn't remember what scores I got. You can ring up or go on the internet and get it sent out to you. Right. And why are you carrying it around with you? I don't know. I don't know why. It's in my bag. But Carl, I got you a present. Hang on a sec. Honestly, you guys, how bad do you feel that Tommy Daslow got me a present and you two fucking couldn't?

That's outrageous. My present was trying to have Dave not be at your wedding. By fucking him over. I saw the swords and went, this guy's a security risk. Well, it was just that as we got out of the car and we were walking and I saw, maybe it was Ben Lomas, riding on a car. And I go, what are you doing? He goes, I'm riding on the card for the bride and the groom.

That's what you do at weddings, you idiot. I'm like, oh, fuck, I'd forgotten about that. I'd forgotten about that. And then I had to leave the wedding. You've been struggling. You're down to like three corporates a day at the moment. I did three corporates last Saturday night, yes. Did you?

Yeah, it was a night. Three corporates? Yeah, two out of three were bad. But there were three of them in one night. They weren't all that well paid. I did truck drivers first, guys that deliver soil. Never do that. They were great.

No, they were great. Oh, were they? Yeah, they would have. How much did they pay? It doesn't matter how much you paid. It was cash. You're just saying they didn't pay much. This is just justification for there being $30 in that on-piping.

That's a hand-in. Then I had to go and do Crane Drivers. You're basically the Albino Del Rook. Yeah, I am. I am. Crane Drivers with Elliot. Now, don't say these aren't paying well. You're not doing a Crane Corporate, Crane Drivers Corporate gig

for the love of comedy. No, no, that was a good payout. That was with Elliot Goblet and Coxie from Coxie's Big Break. Excellent. One of the great comedians. Were you hanging off the crane doing the gig? Might as well have been because it was... Were they trying to shake the money out of you off the crane?

You and Coxie in the one gig, was the crane just to get you both on stage? He's a big unit. Were they bashing you like a Christmas penteata? Was Coxie's Big Break, was that the sound of the stage when you both got on at the same time? There was no stage. That was half the problem.

I mean, they were nice people. When you said it was a crane, were they doing earth moving, but it was more just you and Coxie walking along on the ground? Me and Coxie were hanging like a ball on a tape, smashing into buildings. All the way Dave keeps trying to say they were nice people, like they're going to be listening in to this. Disclaimer, they were nice.

You might get one of those guys. Our demo of crane drivers is pretty big on this show. Anyway, and then I had to leave that one and do a guy's 60th birthday. He was from Brighton, a very rich area of Melbourne. You consider that a corporate, a guy's 60th birthday.

That's not a corporate. Are you considering this a corporate? You see, I'm getting paid for this. His 60th birthday was the guy's name, McDonald's. Oh, man, that was slightly traumatic because the brother of the guy had seen me at a footy club and thought I was hilarious. So he wanted me just to come along and roast his brother. At this birthday party?

At his birthday party where he had adult – At the house? No, at a pub. He had adult children who spoke so lovingly about this guy. This guy was like a conservative lawyer slash banker and then his wife got up who'd been quite sick and was saying how much of a support he'd been and everyone's like crying in the crowd

and so then the guy – it's his turn to make a speech and his brother's whispering, go now, grab the mic, go now, go now. Decimate this cunt. So I grabbed the mic. The look on his face was just like, he was about to call security, this guy. He just looked at me like, what are you doing?

And I said, oh, your brother's put me up to it over there and then I said yes and his your brother's put me up to it over there. And then I said, and his son had mentioned he had an MBA. And I just, I couldn't think of anything to say. I said, so your son spoke beautifully. He said he had an MBA, right? And the son went on and went, yeah, mate, we've all been to uni. Anyway.

So that was my Saturday night. This is what video games are like. You go into a room, you decimate people. You don't have to worry about the consequences and then you'd leave. Play some Call of Duty. You'd love it. Oh, yeah, I've seen Call of Duty. It's a lot of shooting, isn't it?

Play Count of Duty. Call of Comedy. And then to make things worse about Carl's wedding, I left to do a gig. Yes. Yes. Now, you should take lessons

off this guy. He ninja'd in the middle of my wedding to go and do a gig. What the heck? Yeah, but it was a charity gig. It was for Go Girls, and the woman wrote me a letter. I wanted to bring it along. Yeah, what's that?

Go Girls, as the woman said to me, is to support women whose husbands have bashed them. That's what she said. All right. So don't feel bad about having a go at me. And they raised like $23,000 that night, and she said, I can't believe you left your friend's wedding to come to our gig. Yeah.

I mean, these ladies here have had it bad, but not as bad as the wedding you just walked out of. Yeah. So she thanked me a lot. So anyway, I got you a present anyway for you and Diane. You can open that. Don't say her name. Yeah, don't say her name.

Oh, okay. All right. Mystery woman. Carl and Voldemort. Why can Don't say her name. Yeah, don't say her name. Oh, okay. All right, all right. Mystery woman. Carl and Voldemort. Why can't you say your name? I'm naming my children on this podcast. It's not like an obscure name. You've met the listeners on this show.

They get a bit... It's not like Verity or something like that. That'd be good. Yeah, no, it's true. When I've met some of your listeners... Open it now and read it. Yeah, yeah. Sorry, when you met the listeners?

Yeah, and they are quite obsessed with your guys lives and so I did a gig at RMIT where I met an attractive young woman

who said I'm a dum-dum fan I'm like what have you lost a lot of weight recently anyway that's terrible

but I'm fat I can make fat jokes and she was very interested in your wedding, which I was going to that weekend. Right. So she said, oh, my God, I've got a scoop.

I've got a scoop. Yeah, yeah, right. All right, so I'm opening this present. And Cal, the pilot who lives near my mum and dad, is very – Oh, yeah, what did he say? He said to me the other day, I drove around the court where my mum and dad lived, and he came out and he went, oh, I haven't heard you on the Dum Dum Club for a while.

I'm like, no, I'll be going. He goes, is it hard to get on, is it? Is it like, do you have to apply? So it's like Conan in America. We've got to put a submission in, don't we, Dave? Send in our tape. Yeah, great. Carl and Tommy have a look.

I love it when people go to me, so who's coming up on the podcast in the next month? Great question. Yeah, who not? Who's on the one that we're doing tomorrow? Better question. Yeah, we better ask our talent booker. All right, all right.

So I'm opening the envelope. I found out about this seven hours ago, listeners, and I thought it was about video games. Oh, great. Lovely, lovely. Oh, right. Tell everyone what I've given you. Yes, yes, I am.

I've got a lovely... Tickets to his show for the Comedy Festival. I've got a lovely card that says, Happy 50th Anniversary. And I've written day. 50 day anniversary. Oh, 50 day anniversary. Hilarious. Oh, is that how long I've been married for card that says, happy 50th anniversary. And I've written day. 50 day anniversary. Hilarious. Oh, 50 day anniversary.

Hilarious. Oh, is that how long I've been married for? I don't know. I have no idea. All right. Great. Right. It says, to my wife and I, thank you for inviting-

I spelled your name wrong on purpose. Yes. Thank you. Thank you for inviting me to your wedding. It was so much fun. Dave O'Neill. Yeah. Well, parts of it were, obviously.

Really? Well, the highlights that I saw- It got really good in the middle, but you wouldn't know. Oh, there in the middle. It was so much fun. Dave O'Neill. Well, parts of it were, obviously. Well, the highlights that I saw. It got really good in the middle, but you wouldn't know. I'm welling up. That's just really speaking from the heart. It's such emotion. There wasn't much space. It was fun.

It was fun. And I ate a lot of food, so I felt bad. Put that in the card. I sure do. I was going to, but there wasn't that much room. But I've got you a gift voucher. A gift voucher. It was fun.

But it was fun. I was hanging out with all my comedy mates. You were funny. You put out books and the best thing you could come up with was, it was fun. I'm not a good writer. It's like a three-year-old writing about their school holidays. That's true.

We went to Dreamworld. It was fun. Look, here's the third David in this room now. I got a David Jones gift voucher. $100? Yeah, very nice. My wife said, get David Jones. Try Bed, Bath and Table.

You can't get them. You've got to go to the store. But David Jones, your wife will like that. Your wife, Janine, will love that. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Janine will love it.

The food was good. The Boxing Day sales will be up soon. Oh, yeah. Well, it's true. But, you know, sheets and stuff. David Jones, perfect. Yeah, you can Thank you. No, well, the Boxing Day sales will be up soon. Oh, yeah, well, it's true. But, you know, sheets and stuff. David Jones, perfect. Yeah, you can buy sheets. And also a pram and stuff, you know. Shut up.

Because I've met your wife and she's lovely and I reckon kids are on the cards for sure. Wow. Hopefully. I mean, I really want to bring a child. I want to hear you do that baby material. Yeah. Getting up.

You know, I was changing a nappy today. Look, we've got a cat now, so, you know. Yeah, well, that's enough. If you've got any stuff, material from when you first had kids, Dave. Yes, definitely. That you can't do now because they're not age appropriate, would you just give that material to Carl? Yes, definitely.

Yeah, definitely. You can have the. No, the Jasper's 14. Yeah, yeah. You can have the gif out your back and I'll just have the material. I'm trying to remember my baby material. What if you gave me a gift voucher to your material? It was just this card that says $50 worth of Dave O'Neill jokes.

Listing of all suburbs and what to say about them. Yeah, yeah. And you've got value codes for all of them. So there's been a mistake. I'm actually the stripper. That's the full hundred if you want that. Actually, we should do the test that we usually do when you're here. All right, let's give you the Dave O'Neill test.

Nightclub and school. Suburb. Subcroydon. Area. That's the nightclub called Area. Area. Or the Dirty Dorset, the Dorset Gardens Hotel. Oh, very nice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got another suburb for him? You don't have to. Thornbury. Oh, ooh, lesbians. Th Thornbury. Oh, lesbians. Thornbury's well known for lesbians. And the school. Do you know what the school in Thornbury is?

I lived there for 13 years. Yeah, you do too. Thornbury, yeah. Danny McGinley went to Thornbury High. Yeah. Another one of my areas of expertise. What school people went to? Moonee Ponds Nightclub.

Oh, that's a hard one. Any of that Moonee Ponds area, I just go, oh, Underbelly. You were in Underbelly, were you, mate? Because that's all the Underbelly area around there. Moody Ponds is where I do ninjering. Oh, really? Yeah, that's the ninja capital of Melbourne. I probably would be with all those Underbelly dudes over there.

Is that a big thing there? Underbelly, yes. Yeah, it's one of my friends sent kids to a private Catholic girls' school and the head nun got up at assembly and said, there are a number of fathers here who drive Mercedes and do not work and they are not role models. She's having a go at the mafia. So it was the mafia, then Underbelly came out

and there's too much heat in the Moonee Ponds area on the mafia stuff. So they go, all right, we're switching over to ninja shit. That's it. Yeah, ninja, yes, yes. Well, thank you, Dave O'Neill, for this present. It's all right. And now it's just Dave Callum with the black belt in no-gift suit at the moment.

What? My gift to you was overcoming Tommy Dassler running interference to prevent me from coming to your wedding. His presence was your present. And that card where I bagged him and there's money in it. I did make it hard. I will say, though, there were other factors at play, naming, trying to wrangle ten comedians into being in the one spot

at the one time to be on a bus. It was a logistical nightmare. You know what it was? It was Dave Quirk not telling me that he was bringing a partner along and me not knowing that there was an extra scene. Let's blame Dave Quirk. Let's blame someone not here. Another Dave.

I went to Dave Quirk's hometown, which is bright, up in the snow sort of area, and they all look like him up there. What, no eyebrows? Yeah, yeah. They all look a bit like him. And they come up to you in the street and they go, you're a comedian, aren't you, mate? Yeah. I know Quirky.

I know Quirky. Then they're right up on their skateboard. Like, I told you this. What's this? Guys come up to me. You can't have a town full of David Quirks. How would anything get done? Ever.

It'd just be people wistfully looking into the distance, stalking really slowly. Love Quirky. Should we move to Melbourne? Should I deliver the mail today? Dave, in spite of the roadblocks put in your way, Dave Callan, did you have a good time at Carl's wedding? Yes. Would you say it was fun? Dave, in spite of the roadblocks put in your way, Dave Callan, did you have a good time at Carl's wedding?

Yes. Would you say it was fun? It was exceptional. Oh, that's too big of a word to fit in a car. It was good that I have got an existence that can't exist. It was amazing. I enjoyed it very much. You made a big impression on all the, what do they call in? Guests.

In laws? No, no. What do they call it in Harry Potter when they talk about people that aren't wizards or whatever the fuck? Muggles. Muggles. So let's say the muggles, the people that weren't comedians at the wedding. You made a big impression.

I didn't even say a word. You did. You did your little dances during the dances. Yeah, you held court on the dance floor. That was very good. Oh, cool. All the ladies were very Yeah, you held court on the dance floor. That was very good. Oh, cool. All the ladies were very impressed that you were the talk of the town. That was a sweet collab, actually, because your mates were DJing,

so it was the Avalanche's ex-Dave Callan wedding dance floor. Yes. A sweet capsule collection at 1am. That could be a new show. Yeah. Avalanche's ex-Dave Callan. Yeah. They were great.

They did a bit of ninja work while they were working on that second album, just 15 years off the grid. I like Carl's speech where he mentioned me. Yeah. I like Carl's. They did a bit of ninja work while they were working on that second album, just 15 years off the grid. I like Carl's speech where he mentioned me. Yes. And not his bride. Yes. Oh, yeah. The roast of Dave O'Neill.

What did you say? You said Dave O'Neill's turned down a corporate for tonight, which was true. Yes. At Chemist Warehouse. Yes. I think everyone found out about that. I gave a special shout out to you.

I said thank you most especially to Dave O'Neill Who's told me 8 times he's turned down An 8 grand chemist warehouse gig To be here tonight So there's a collection plate at the end We don't want presents tonight We want to chip in to Dave O'Neill To make this wedding worth his while

I think more people were aware of you Missing a chemist warehouse gig Than they were aware of the name of the bride That was pertinent information Just like on this show I think more people were aware of you missing a Chemist Warehouse gig than they were aware of the name of the bride. Yeah, I think so. That was pertinent information. Perfect. Yeah, because just like on this show,

I made sure we didn't mention her name at the wedding. Let's just call her Chemist Warehouse. Chemist Warehouse. And I do love the way that when your lovely bride did get up to speak, she said, I know a lot of the comedians won't believe this, but Carla's actually a really nice guy. And then all the comedians are like, oh, you're all that bullshit. But which we later find out, you wrote that for her.

Did you? This is deep level, insane inception shit. No, I punched up her speech for her because she was like, I want it to be funny. I'm like, okay, here's some jokes in there. So she had, Carl is a very nice guy. And I went, deep down, deep, deep, deep, deep down. Oh, yeah, okay. And everyone got a good laugh out of that.

Right, and I wonder why she was asking why they don't make the whole plane out of the black box. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Middle of her wedding speech. Did the duck sandwich when we were starting to learn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's bring it home. Let's bring it home.

I should have got her to do that, actually. That would have been quite fun. Food was good. I've never had better food at a wedding than that joint. Food was exceptional joint it was excellent actually I might go there one day

and of course I turned up to that venue and said I've done a gig here and I reminded Mooney who'd forgotten

I said we did a gig here once Mooney in the barn across the way and back then did you walk halfway through

that gig to do another gig no to go to a wedding what I did do Mooney was hosting and he was on the grog because it was in a winery. Hang on, Lawrence Mooney.

Yeah, you don't have to say because it was the winery. The real answer is because it was Mooney. And so it was a long night and I was headlining. I did half an hour. I got off. I got my money. And you'd see Mooney. He went, ladies and gentlemen, it's been a great night.

We've had Dave O'Neill, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then he just put the mic, he took the mic out of the mic stand and went, it's great up here in the Yarra Valley, isn't it? And they just started doing material. So I got in my car and drove away. I could still hear him going. I think he did another 20 minutes. Did we talk about how Mooney heckled your vows?

Oh, I'm not sure if we did. Did he heckle the vows? That priest was kind of, he was trying to be funny, wasn't he? Yeah. The vicar dude. Do you know him or? No, no. He was a.

Was his name Gary Chook? No. No. Yeah, I don't know quite what. What was going on there? He said something basically. He pulled out some material basically that he did not warn us about. Yeah, right.

Started doing a bit of prop comedy. He was – if I said this on the show, he was reading out of a – this is the thing that kills me about the celebrant or whoever it is. He was – you know, he had notes which first of all I go, this is your job. Yeah. Commit the people's names to memory at the very least. Yeah. But he was reading it out of this ratty folder that looked like he'd had it

since about 1992. Like a little loose leaf. We're using it for the menu in the Koh Samui pub restaurant that we'll be opening. Pretty much, yeah. This ratty ass thing. But he did a thing where he said, he went around, he did crowd work. He was doing crowd work. Yeah, he was. He went into the crowd and he's like, so what do you think is the most important thing in a marriage?

Someone said something really funny. Wasn't it your dad that said something funny? I think your mum said patience. That's right, your mum said patience. So he's going around and it was all to get to him having gotten a bottle of wine made up where the label had pictures of the two of you on it. And he pulls it out and he goes,

I think the most important thing in a marriage is good wine. And he pulls it out and as he pulls it out, from up the back of the room you hear Mooney go, oh, yes! Oh, that's right. And it pulls it out and as he pulls it out from up the back of the room you hear Mooney go, oh, yes. Oh, that's right. And it killed. Yeah. It killed.

Good on him. It was funny. It was funny vows. It was a fun time. Yeah. You're right. It was fun. It was a fun wedding.

It was a good wedding. Yeah, I understand the card now, now that we've talked about it a bit more. I'm with the card on this. Yeah, it's fun. It's like Dreamworld. It's fun. It was fun. Without the accident.

Anyway, whatever. I was in Tasmania the day after when a radio announced they're doing Secret Sound. Oh, yeah, yeah. And the breakfast announcer said, they played a noise and she said, and it's not people at Dreamworld dying on that ride. On air. Yeah, she got taken off like within five minutes and sacked. Yeah.

Yeah, pretty bad mistake. Pretty bad mistake. Just pointing out. Good to say that it's not that. I mean, it would be worse if that was the sound. You're going to be taken off this podcast. Be careful. Now, look, you haven't been on this show for a while.

No. And for months. It's hard to get on. Yeah. Dilruch Jaisingha has been badgering me going, when have you got O'Neill on? Because he told me this story and he's got to tell it on your podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So it's a horror gig story. Right. But it wasn't that horrible, but it turned – it was at the Deer Park Hotel, which is in the western suburbs of Melbourne. What's the nightclub? There's a claim. Or is that it? No, it's just the Deer Park Hotel.

Right. As I've said before – Good McDonald's. There's no deer. Oh, mate, I did a cappy day at Deer Park. Oh, did you? McDonald's once. Yeah, there was –

this was when I was on Nova with Husey and Kate. Dave O'Neill's geek stories are a nightmare because each one of them reminds him of about another story separate satellite this is like

this is like him at my wedding you're in a story and then you leave halfway through to do another story to do a charity story and the Deer Park McDonald's

so Hughie got St Kilda Kate got the CBD and I was sent to Deer Park should have known and I did the guy made me actually work on the drive-thru drinks, which is bloody hard work and quite slippery. Quite slippery?

Yeah, doing the drive-thru drinks and then several people – It's only slippery if you fuck it up. There's a lot of ice on the floor and several people – Was there a phone party going on at the same time? I don't know. What was going on? Were you trying to stop the bad guys from home alone from getting into the McDonald's?

And then like at least two people came through the drive-thru and went, oh, are you working here now, mate? Oh, great. It's a true story. Are you working here now? No, it's McHappy Day. So anyway, Deer Park Hotel, me and Hughes used to do these shows. Oh, we still do them.

We still do shows together. But we did these ones, Dave and Dave, in the 90s when we were on Triple M. And so I used to be, I used to go on first, but sometimes he was, he wasn't massive as he was now. I used to go on last if he had to go to another gig.

Yeah. You know, and so anyway, at this point, I was going on first, he was going on second at Deer Park Hotel. I'm on stage

and I used to play the bass guitar in my act at the end as a crescendo because I was a bass player in the 80s and I used to do famous bass player in the 80s and I used to do famous bass lines in the 80s. I used to kill, whatever, it doesn't matter.

It sounds great. I know, it sounds great. What did you do? Because if anyone, you know, we all know famous bass lines. Yeah. What is it? It's a wonderful instrument in isolation by itself. Oh, no, no, like, you know.

Like what? The Angels No Secrets. She Waits at the Station. No, don't know it. The Naxx My Sharona. Oh, yeah. All right, there's one. No, don't know it. The Next My Sharona. All right, there's one. Sweet Child of Mine is a good one. Yes.

Yeah, I can't play that. That's too hard. Summer Lovin'. Next Live Podcast. That's not a bass. I'll bring my bass along. Please. I play a bit of bass too

We can have a bass off Oh you play bass? Yeah I play bass Yeah so I was doing this routine It was going well Because Friday night It was a Friday night in Deer Park So it was full of just

Sounds more like a fucking trivia night Like you're playing something And people are trying to figure out what it is That doesn't sound like comedy to me I've never hosted I have hosted trivia nights They're awful Anyway

Oh here comes another story So no No story Oh Anyway Come on They have hosted trivia nights. They're awful. Anyway. Oh, here comes another story. So, no, not a story. Oh! Anyway. Come on. Let's get seven levels into Dave O'Neill Inception.

I hosted the Greens Western Suburbs trivia night, and this was before the internet. Fuck. Before smartphones. Let's try to remember how to get out, by the way. How do we get out? Remember what level we parked on. Yeah, yeah. And the question was, what does NASA stand for?

And the answer was wrong. The fuck stand for? And the answer was wrong. The fuckhead who wrote the answers had got it wrong. And so people were coming up and, like, abusing me. One woman said, I've rung home and my son's looked it up on the computer. You've got it wrong, mate. You're, like, going against the fucking rules, bitch. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, so, dear Park, so I reached my crescendo of playing bass lines of the 70s and 80s,

and all the tradies are loving it. But then behind me I hear the double doors open, and seriously an old lady came out with two massive plates of mini Dim Sims. And I actually stopped and went, are you fucking kidding, Anya? I said, take them back. Don't come. Wow. She just like walked into the crowd.

This is worth it already. A story where Dave O'Neill sees heaps of dim sims and says, take them back. Walked into the crowd. It was just like she just disappeared and there's all hands reaching over, grabbing them. People eat. All talking starts.

And then, of course, they eat them and then they start throwing them. Just O'Neill screaming, stop eating. I'm trying to play another one. Bites the dust here. That was another one of them. We used to do that one. Did you beat it?

No, I can't play. Beat it. That's a good one. Yeah. I can't believe that. How are you doing this in the 80s and you weren't playing any of the good bass lines of the 80s? They'd be the ones I could play though. Did you start playing actual guitar and then move down to bass?

Yeah. Yeah, that was my trick. It's like, man, this is way easier. down to bass? Yeah. That was my trick. It's like, man, this is way easier. Bass is easier. I did Black Knight. Nobody knows that one. We've got to have you do this at a live show. So what's the bit?

I don't want to get booed off though. Keep in mind this is in a comedy routine so it's you going, who remembers this? And then playing it and it's killing I used to go bass lines of the 70s and 80s who could forget

who could forget smoke on the water yeah I do smoke on the water yeah yeah dun dun dun and then I go that was the first thing I learned on guitar

because it's such an easy routine I think it's a lot of people things and then I had little jokes in between I can't remember any of them but there were some jokes in between

it's good to have jokes in between when you're playing music. I did Jailbreak by ACDC, which is just... You know that bit where it goes... He made it out. No, not the voice bit. Yeah, but... The bass bit.

Okay, now do the joke. Yeah, he made it out. No, it's thunder, lightning, rain, a cold front. Oh, fuck, Bon Scott's reading the weather. That's not bad. All right. That's not bad.

You've got to work on it. Do a modern version. Do like Uptown Funk. Yeah, that's a great bass line. That's a great bass line. But I don't think I ever could play it. I'd love to see you just going for it with some really hardcore slapping like real funk bass line.

Oh, you know when I bought it out at the start of the year real funk based. Oh, you know what? When I bought it out at the start of the year when I did. Hey, what's the joke when you're playing Uptown Funk? You start going. Uptown Funk just doing it. You start going Bruno Mars more like Bruno Snickers. All right. Next one. Next one, guys.

Uptown Funk. Well, Downtown Funk. And this guy's asking me for 20 bucks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, fleety. Imagine if you actually did want to make a dragon retire. But anyway, so then they start throwing the dimsims. Anyway, Bruno Mars, isn't that one of your kids, by the way?

Come on. That reminds me of Fleety's joke. They're throwing the dimsims. Yeah, so basically what happened was that they started throwing dimsims and they were bouncing off my guitar. Oh, really? And I'm like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, with splats of soy sauce on them.

And then they hit in my shirt. I'm like, oh, come on. And all I could hear was up in the back, Hughsy just piecing himself laughing. I like to think that if the thing before we were saying is true about you, discovering time travel and travelling back to yourself, that's the gig. That's you from the future doing that gig. No, that's you travelling back to sit with Hughsey up the back

and laugh at yourself. Laugh at myself. No, to get a dim sim. Yeah, yeah. This gig was great. Hughsey always used to say, no, I only laugh because I used to die a lot. That's why I'm laughing at you dying.

It's not me. It used to happen to me a lot. Yeah, yeah. He still laughs. The comic that feels the need to justify laughing at other comics dying. We all get it. We get it. So, yeah, that's the story laughs. It's a comic that feels the need to justify laughing at other comics dying. We all get it. We get it. So, yeah, that's the story, basically.

It was traumatic. Well, a little bit of update corner. Update corner here on the show. I just feel like it would be wrong of me not to ask. Callan, ever been pelted with food mid-gig? No. Okay. There's still time.

Back home, getting pelted with haggis or anything like that? It's potatoes where I'm from. Fiddly fucking D potatoes. Oh, yeah, Irish, of course. No, no, no. Thank you, Dave O'Neill. Yeah, it's nice to have someone with a bit of Irish heritage here. Dave O'Neill.

Finally. Hey. Finally. He's not called Dave. What? I'm Dave. I'm Irish. What?

You know why the Irish started farming potatoes? I didn't know this, but my kid read this in a book the other day. Because the English used to burn the fields, burn the wheat. Fucking hell. So the Irish put the crops underground, banned. Read that in a book, did he? Yeah. And where do they have books?

In the library. It's bullshit, mate. He learnt it in a video game. There's a potato farming simulator game out now on PlayStation. He learnt it on that great game Encarta 95. He clocked it. The final boss of that is sick. Yeah.

The zebra. Geniuses play them. I know. Update corner. Update corner. Right. So we are going in a couple of weeks, we're going to Maribor, which is my home. Can I come?

I'd love to come. Come up. What date? What date? January 13th. January 13th. Come up and drink. I'm back. You're back. Yeah. Maribor which is my own I'd love to come what date January 13 January 13 come up and bring I'm back

you're back yeah O'Neill come up and bring the axe oh yeah that's confusing when you've got

one bloke with a sword you bring the bass you bring the sword I'll bring my bass

you bring the sword and if we can't guess the bass line we chop the guitar in half. Fuck you. Bass down. I'm not a very good player now though.

Well, you've got a couple of weeks. You've got a couple of weeks to bone up. Over Christmas. Just look up some tabs on the internet. Yeah. Yeah, anyway, yeah, I can bring it. You've got a bit of time off over Christmas and New Year. Sorry, Hogman-y.

Hey, fucker. Seriously, I'll bring mine And let's have a bass off Let's have a bass off Yeah let's go tune for tune We'll have a bass off Oh cool No look that's a good idea Because the venue we're at

They often play music Yeah Is this a Highland club? Yes Oh hello Calum Fuck off He'd be there anyway

I hate What guests have you got coming? Well we haven't organised anything yet. Of course. Yeah, of course. That's why I found out about this seven hours ago and then found out it wasn't about video games one hour ago. It might be still a video game podcast up in Mirabar.

Booking guests for a six-hour drive. That's a job for January 12th. Thanks, Dave. Have you sold any tickets yet? Yeah, we've sold tickets. How many? Four? Four tickets?

No, plenty of tickets. People are making a weekend of it. People come to our shows. You've seen our shows. Why don't your shows are packed? Yeah, exactly. You're popular. Exactly.

So I had drinks with some Maribor friends of mine last night. We all have stuff going on there. Well, do you have Maribor friends? Maribor. I was talking to him, and one of my mates, I'll drop his name on the show, Pikey. One of my mates. Klang.

He was at your wedding. Exactly, yeah. I'll put it out officially. I found ity. One of my mates. Clang. He was at your wedding. Exactly. I'll put it out officially. I found it out. I got to the bottom of it. We talked about this weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks ago. One of the guests, we found out that my wife's boss got proposition and said he works at a major airline and someone came up and went,

oh, I'd bloody suck your dick for a first class seat. So we're trying to figure out who out of all the comics it was. Who out of all the comics it was? Actually, this will be interesting. Who do you reckon would have been most likely out of the comics? Brendan Maloney. He wasn't there. And he's not a comic.

Was it a serious offer or a joke offer? No, I think it was a joke offer, but it was taken very seriously. Oh, no way. Who would do that out of the people that were there? I can't believe you. Everyone guesses Moon Man. Is this on a flight to Maribor? No, this is at the wedding. Oh, who would do that out of the people that were there? I can't believe you. Everyone gets Moon Man. Everyone gets Moon Man. Is this on a flight to Maribor?

No, this is at the wedding. Oh. And one of the waiters got what? No. So my wife's boss work is very high up in a major airline. Yeah, yeah. And someone came up and said that, yo, you were bossing an airline.

Well, it took your dick for a first class flight. Was it a male or female comedian? Well, here's the thing. I found out, I ended up finding out that it wasn't a comedian. It was my friend, Pikey. Child of Romney Maribor. Oh, that was the worst whodunit ever. Yeah.

Yeah. So anyway, I was talking to him last night and he's somehow on the board or something at the Highland Society. Oh, okay. He's some sort of board member. I wonder how he got that position. He's Scottish. He sucked my dick. He sucked my Scottish dick.

God, how did you guys get to go on there? Oh, yeah, it's tough. I'm not doing that. Callum's dick got very hard and went all tartan. So, yeah. And then he tossed my cable. There we go. Fuck.

There we go. Yeah. He walked the 500 miles to go and suck your dick. Yeah, and then he walked 500 more. Yeah. You know, I met a girl once who slept with one of the proclamations. She couldn't remember which one it was. Anyway.

Does it matter? Yeah, does it matter? Does it matter? Anyway. Oh, I don't know if it was Jeff or Rodney. I don't know what they're named. Callan, you should know. They're both your prime minister.

Damn it. I'm not Scottish. I saw them play once. They were great. Don't tell me. Tell the fucking disciple over there. I'm not a Scot. Do you do a bit of a...

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's a good one. That's a good... That's a Scottish national anthem. Yeah. Can you do the bass solo from You Can Call Me Al by Paul Simon? Oh, no, that is great.

That's quite intricate, isn't it? That's quite intricate. I can do White Stripes. Can you do any... Not a bass, but anyway. No, that's right. It was the top strings of guitar. Yeah, there's no bass in the band, is there?

No. Yeah, not at all. He could just hop up there and just do the bass from White Stripes and do nothing. Easy. Most people think it's bass. We only know that. So I talked to my mate from Maribor last night.

He's on the board up there of this pub, of this bar, the society as it were. And he was like saying, oh, are you ready for this? It's going to be pretty big. I'm like, oh, look, no one in town's going to come along like no one from mirabar because they don't know what it is like it's just going to be our listeners that are all coming in from out of town so it's just going to we're just going to be shipping in and out of town audience and he goes oh no you don't understand how it works up there like what do you mean he goes oh look it's

the han society people in mirabar just go to it no matter what's on like they just go what are we doing on saturday night i don't know we'll just go to it no matter what's on. They just go, what are we doing on Saturday night? I don't know. We'll just go to the Han Society. What's on? The Rolling Stones cover band. I fucking hate the Rolling Stones. Oh, well, we're going anyway.

Wow. It's like an RSL, isn't it? Yeah. So he's like going, that's the culture. People go to stuff and even if they don't like it, they just stand up the back and go, oh, I fucking hate Mick Jagger. Oh, well. Wow.

So he goes, get ready. You're going to cop all these locals. So Dave, learn brown I fucking hate Mick Jagger. Oh, well. Wow. So he goes, get ready. You're going to cop all these locals. So Dave, learn brown sugar. We're going in. I love my bass lines in the 70s and the 80s. Finally some entertainment. Yeah. Fuck.

They've got the fat guys turning up with his bass. Exactly. Everything Dave O'Neill has in him is the emergency break glass in case locals turn up to Maribor a show. Totally. Like, I'll take over. Yeah. Great. Oh, hang on. What's the nightclub to Maribor a show. Totally. Like, I'll take over. Yeah. Great.

Oh, hang on. What's the nightclub in Maribor? I don't know. I don't know. But Maribor, you'd hang shit on Ballarat, I think, and Ararat would be the go, wouldn't it? I think, yeah. I mean, I'm from Maribor and I should know.

I thought you were about to say you'd hang shit on Ballarat and Arabs. I was like, Jesus Christ. Yeah, yeah. That's fair. Probably not incorrect, but Jesus. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would say. What's the smaller town near there? Well, yeah, all the smaller towns around, you'd say Clunes, you'd say Avoca, you. That's fair. Probably not incorrect, but Jesus. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would say, what's the smaller town near there?

Well, yeah, all the smaller towns around, you'd say Clunes, you'd say Avoca, you'd say Denali. Yeah, Denali, yeah. Talbot. Clunes. We drove through Clunes. What a shithole. Very much shithole.

No, it's all trendy these days, Clunes. Yeah, it's gone a bit trendy. It's the book town. But it's like Dalesford, where it's like trendy, but then when you dig beneath the surface, all the locals are fucking insane. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Just surface, all the locals are fucking insane. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, just hill people. Yeah, yeah.

Full on bogan, yeah, I know. Yeah, cloonsies. My mother-in-law lives in Dalesford, so I know. Yeah, that insane mix of out-of-towners and genuine hill people. Oh, yeah, and people that, yeah. Yeah. All these guys coming in, changing our city. Yeah, there's nothing in between.

No, I know. I know, it's quite interesting. And some of those guys get on the council and so you've got a mixture of the new people and the old people just clashing all the time. So anyway, so I'm very worried about this. Especially because my mate Pikey was like, oh, my mum's already gone.

Yeah, I'll come down. She doesn't know anything about any of this sort of stuff. So I feel like this is going to be all these 60-year-old people going. Confused people. And especially where it's like there's me attached, where there's a Chandler attached, there's a local. It's like, oh, let's fucking come down and see how funny this prick is. We need to learn some fireworks for people that aren't the listeners, you know.

We need to learn some Rolling Stones songs. Yeah, yeah. We need to do some Fawlty Towers dining experience gear. Exactly. Exactly, because that's what's on in the venue. Dave, we're going to need your ninja skills, not for during the show, but for protection afterwards when we get bashed.

To get out. I'll come. I'll be there. 13th. Yeah, 13th. January 13th. Oh, ninja people. 13th of Jan.

We'll make sure. I promise not to fuck you around on the transport this time. Oh, for God. If you're involved with the transport, no chance. Third time, you're out. Give me one more chance. Well, what about this? What about we have this up our sleeve?

So it's January 13th. It's a little while away still, a couple of weeks away. What we did at the Canberra gig, we pulled out the piece of the resistance. Tommy Daslow's dad wrote a porno. Oh, get dad to write another porno. Yeah. Yeah, I'll try. I'll try him.

Yeah, well, this is what happened a few weeks ago. We found out Tommy Daslow's dad has written pornos. What, for real. Yeah. Yeah, I'll try. I'll try him. Yeah, well, this is what happened a few weeks ago. We found out Tommy Dassler's dad has written pornos. What, for real? Yeah. The story was he was saying for years, I've been writing a porno, working on a porno, and I would say to him, well, where is it? Can I see it?

And he'd go, it's not written down. It's all up here. Which is just horrific. And then we talked about it on the show and the listeners were very vehement that they wanted to hear it. So I had to really push him to get it out. Pardon the language.

Unlike other Maryborough natives, the Avalanches, we need to get this second one out a lot quicker. Okay, I'll start working on it. All right, a Maryborough porno. Do we want to give him a theme or direction or do we just want him to continue? I've got a farm boy, a Maryborough farm boy. Yeah, the to give him a theme or direction or do we just want him to continue? I mean, the main character. I'm not a farm boy. I'm Maryborough farm boy.

Yeah, the main character died in his last one. I feel like if we give him too much direction, we'll. It's a snuff film. Yeah, exactly. Oh, my God. If we give him too much direction, we might. I don't know. I sort of just want to.

Too much direction, not enough erection. Exactly. That's what I'm saying. Exactly. Well, hey, boners. Yeah. I don't saying. Exactly. Wahey, boners. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah.

Well, no, look, feel free to let his imagination run wild. Okay. I mean, maybe because we're going to Maribor, maybe it could be set in a small town, maybe with a local returning to that small town after a long time away. And if there's not a bay that there can be a yacht on, I don't know if he's going to be interested. There's Cairn Curran up there

There's the reservoir Like Windery up there somewhere What about this? There's Deep Creek out there Deep Creek that goes through my mum and dad's property And what about Barry's Hole? Barry's Hole? That lends itself to porno definitely

We were saying this a while ago We've got to get the famous story of you having a safe That's got all your mad magazines in it and you've lost the key. Sounds good. We've got to get that in on stage and we've got to get a locksmith to come in and break it open on stage. You've got to do that. Is the safe still at your parents' house?

Yes. I saw the safe. Amazing. Is it a safe or a filing cabinet? It's a filing cabinet. A filing cabinet. With a lock. I lost the keys down in Barry's hole.

So then it became a safe. It's a swimming hole. Sure it is, mate. I bet. Sure a lock. I lost the keys down in Barry's hole. So then it became a safe. It's a swimming hole. Sure it is, mate. I bet. Sure it is. You can get a locksmith to do that. You're a ninja. Can't you open it? Or I'll come and lockpick the fuck out of it. Hey, what's the protocol if you have to do a pee during a podcast?

Well, we're getting near the end. Can you hold it? Yeah. I can hold it and I can lockpick your fucking shit. Let's put the call out. If anyone's coming who's a locksmith or can bring a locksmith with them, we've got to break that. And then we just read Mad Magazine's to the crowd. Oh, I love it.

Is it all? Awesome. You know, the lighter side of the movie Tootsie. We can just read that out. Jurassic fart. What do you reckon of that? Yeah. My bass lines will be in there.

Great. Is it like a padlock or just a lock of a filing cabinet? Lock on the filing cabinet. Oh, that should be easy. You can get it with a screwdriver. Yeah, mate. But we've got to then bring a full-on chockers filing cabinet from my parents' house, which is 15 minutes out of town on a farm,

into the stage of the Highlands slash Violence Society. We can get a Ute or something. They've had the Rolling Stones cover band in there, mate. Oh, yeah, you're right. Get the board to organise this. Go in and suck a few dicks and get them to organise a truck to transport it. No, that's good.

Okay, so we've got these threads. We've got possibly you coming and doing some bass lines. Yeah, I'll come. I'll bring my bass and we'll have a bass off. Hang on, we've got to organise a corporate out in Maribor somewhere for him to fuck off to halfway through. Yeah've got to organise a corporate out in Maribor somewhere for him to fuck off to halfway through

I've done footy clubs in Maribor we've got a safe that we're going to we've got the filing cabinet that we're going to break into and we've got my dad writing a second porno

a rural porno which I'll get to work on now a rural one great alright well hey before we wrap this episode up I've prepared a little thing

it's our last episode of 2017 and I thought we could do what do you mean oh it's just the end of the year. Oh, I guess so. We all get to live on. This is not one of these things where the UFOs fly by and we all put Nikes on and wait for fucking death.

Oh, cool. I want to do that. Drink the Kool-Aid. So I've done... I just thought it'd be good to take a look back on the year and I've got the best of Dum Dum 2017. Okay. Got a little awards ceremony here for the very end of the show. Is this a pre-recorded

thing? No, I've just written it. I'm just going to read them out. The Hey Puffs Award for most persistent use of an extremely unwoke catchphrase goes to Dave O'Neill. Well done, Dave. Congratulations. Thank you. Thanks, Puffs. The Braveheart Award

For best Scotsman Goes to Dave Callum I wonder who that could be What the fuck Have I got a Plot twist for you To be honest It was your turn

I felt like you And an honourable McMention to Daniel Sloss Yeah right He's Irish The Tommy Dasolo Award For most money scabbed In 2017

I feel like I've got this one Goes to Nick Capa Congratulations to Nick Capa. Capa? Because Daslo paid for Capa to go to Koh Samui and has not paid him back yet. I think I've nearly been paid back just in other gigs that he's done for us that he's just gone

and knocked that off the tab. Great. But then he's also borrowed money from me again so it's kind of gone out of the place. Well, he never paid me back for the infamous bus. Oh, okay. Right. I can't help but feel if I'd kicked him off and gotten Dave Callaghan instead. Yeah. Well, it'd be the same. Bullshit We never paid me back For the infamous bus Oh okay Right Can't help but feel

If I'd kicked him off And gotten Dave Callan in instead Yeah Well it'd be the same The money would be on the counter At Danny McGinley's place Probably Yeah

Hey come on With abuse about me Written on it Yeah Well the Scottish Are very tight with their money We all know that Fuck you

The Qantas award For most matchsticks Picked up off the ground At a live dum-dum show, Ronnie Chang. Oh. Rain Man. Congratulations, Ronnie. The award for someone in the dum-dum universe

who's received the most money from the Chinese goes to Tommy Daslow because I did some gigs over there and they were very well paid. Great. Congratulations. The only person I could think of that could have possibly won that. So well done Tommy Who books that?

Yeah How do you do that? The Golden Red Rocket Award For best pornographic story Read out on the little dum-dum club Tommy's dad Carl Chandler For his story last week

About pulling a key out of his ass Hot stuff You got nude in the story And everything Wow I was hoping I'd win one of these The Giant Suit Award For the shittest dry cleaner in Melbourne goes to their dry cleaners on Smith Street, Collingwood.

Fucking me over. Just want to get a mention of them in there again. What's the name of it? Metchers, I believe. Metchers. Fuck you, Metchers. Fuck them. Congratulations on winning a dummy.

Yes. The Golden Fuckwit Award for continuing to use social media like a rapper with an acquired brain injury. Nick Cody. Oh, Cody. The worst. Five years in a row. Five years in a row. Doesn't matter how many times he gets

called out, he still persists. How many times can we see a photo of a boarding pass? The Venus Flytrap Award. Shut your fucking mouth and stop swallowing blowflies, Cody. Check it out, guys. Here's a photo of me going to do my job. And the final award, the award for the best episode of the

Little Dum Dum Club that was recorded in 2017, Salman Rushdie and Roy Chubby Brown. A great one that we lost the recording for. A shame that no one got to hear it, but those two, who would have thought that those two together just in great form, absolutely holding court. So many great yarns in that one. Roy Chubby Brown, he's a British comic who's like their Rodney Roode. Yes.

Do you know his opening line? Oh, he told us about it on the episode, but the listeners haven't heard it. So tell us now. I might just move Posh Spice out of the way. It's not that. He goes, they say you are what you is, so I suppose I'm a cunt. That's his opening line. Great stuff.

I know. You might edit that. I know what your language is. Love that guy. Love that guy. We don't like talking dirty like that. All right. So congratulations to everyone who...

Better luck next year to everyone else. Yes. Yeah. Well, we'd better wrap it up for another week on the Little Dum Dum Club. Dave Callen, Dave O'Neill, thank you very much for joining us. No worries. Thanks for having me on Filthy Casuals.

Yes, you're very welcome. To talk about my Nintendo. What was your favourite game of 2017? Breath of the Wild. Excellent. Thank you. Dave, anything you'd like to plug? Your butthole.

Hell yeah. I'll put it to my dad. What? If anybody listening wants to look at me doing anything ever, I would be happy. Right. Wow, what a plug. Yeah.

Invitation. Pretty all-encompassing. Dave O'Neill, festivals in 2018? festivals no I'm not doing the festivals next year no going overseas yeah high five where are you going I'm taking my kids

and partner to Europe see my twin brother what city Europe's a big place yeah Italy Europe City the capital

Europe City oh wow Italy Switzerland France and England because that's where your brother lives in Switzerland

Glenn lives in Switzerland and speaks like this have you ever met Glenn? And what's the nightclub in Switzerland? Oh, I don't know what the Geneva nightclub is That's a good question Let's flash forward to having Dave O'Neill on after the trip And getting his review of it

It was fun Yeah, it was fun But I'm doing a podcast now called The Debrief Oh, yes Both of you have been on it And it's very similar to this You had to drive me around the block about eight times because I live five minutes away from the gig.

It's true. It's the same with Carl. No, the one jealous thing that we are about your podcast is you're advertising on a tram that goes past my house. I know. It goes past my house and I see the ad every day. It's really worked. You got a lot of money from it.

No, it's great. That's hilarious. I feel like we should look into that. It's cheap. The tram advertising is cheap. I can't remember how much it was but it was really cheap. And your numbers have just

skyrocketed afterwards, haven't they? Probably. Let's advertise our Thailand bar on a tram. Yeah, you could. You could. That would be so funny.

All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening. We've got all our stuff on sayalittledumbdumbclub.com. Thank you for joining us. Have a great and safe New Year's Eve and we'll see you in 2018. See you, mate. Off I the new.

I don't like that. Oh, and we've done it again. That felt good. That felt really good. I hope so. What if the episode ends with you and I just at each other's throats and we don't know it yet? What if we kill ourselves at the end of that episode? Because

we're recording this intro and outro before the episode. Which we pretty much never do. Yeah. So what if we've killed ourselves in the last second of the regular podcast and now we're just talking from beyond the grave? It's very Tarantino, isn't it? It's like jumping all kind of over the place. Pulp shitheads.

You've checked out for the year. No, fuck. You're on holidays. We've still got another episode to do. So this is the point of the show where we are going to read out some names from the Patreon and say thank you to everyone who contributes to the show. Yeah. Not everyone.

A tiny bit of other stuff like Koh Samui. We talked about it at Tiny bit of other stuff like Koh Samui. We talked about the top of the show, Koh Samui. Hopefully, we're getting a little bit of – keep listening. Hopefully, there's a little bit of sponsorship stuff. So, we've got some people to thank and stuff coming up. And some – like we say, the beautiful people, the Ozo Chuing Samui Resort, you know, we say stick with those guys because that's where the show is. They're looking after us.

They're looking after the listeners with a deal and everything. Hopefully, we've got a couple more of those little things coming up where we say this is the official ta-da of the Koh Samui Podcast Festival. So, very cool. Very cool stuff to make us look legitimate. Isn't that amazing that we would look like a proper festival? Yeah. And only two years in.

Yeah. Well, had we even planned the festival by this time last year? Had we even announced it or anything? I don't think we had. No. The idea was initially you were wanting to just go in December with like a week's notice. Oh, yeah.

It was just going to be me and you. Yeah, no one could go and then we put it off and I was like, what if we just did it after festival? So it got put on the back burner and then I think we did an ep in January where I believe it was Scott Dooley who came up with the idea of calling it a podcast festival. It was in the midst of a sweet riff with him. Right.

So I think it was probably about Feb that it actually kind of all went on sale. Got announced. Yeah. Right, right, right. Great, great. So there you go, a little oral history of the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival. Yeah, what a history it's been in the last eight months. But like I said, top of the show.

Man, so many people have booked in already. It's ridiculous. Actually, let me just say quickly, so many people have booked in already. It's ridiculous. Actually, let me just say quickly, just thinking of that, the oral history thing. What I would love is, have you ever read it? Like there was an article a while ago about, I think it was John Ronson went on that Kid Rock cruise.

You know how like Kid Rock does a cruise where it's like he headlines and then similar themed bands. It's called like the Redneck Getaway or something like that. Yeah, yeah. And it's just him in the midst of it reporting on it. I would love if you're a journalist, if you're studying journalism, I would love someone to come along and write a full account of it from the eye of an outsider. The Hunter S. Thompson.

Yeah, yeah. The fear and loathing sort of thing. I would like a gonzo journalist to come and get in the midst. Right. And kind of – I think it would be interesting to read from an outsider's perspective. Yeah. Well, that's traditionally – that's the Hunter S. Thompson thing

when he was following around. What, the Nixon campaign, stuff like that? Yeah, yeah. And we're pretty similar to that. Totally. I am not a dumb cunt. We are history's monsters, so sure. Yeah, I think that would be great.

I mean, if someone came and did that and pitched it to Rolling Stone or whatever, get us in. Nixon got in trouble for taping some pretty horrendous stuff and we're similar. Yeah, totally, totally. Look, the more coverage of our beautiful festival, the better. Totally, totally. You know, we made the video last year.

That was great. I've been watching it recently. I bet you have. Yeah, it's been good. I've now been I'm fully into watching the webcams again. Did you ever go off? Yeah, because they went down. Okay.

And now I've found where they've been hiding. Great. They've reinstalled them and they're on YouTube now. It's like the Pirate Bay. They just get shut down and then they just find a new server. Totally. Great. They're on YouTube now, which is great. I can just go to YouTube for all my webcam needs now. Finally. Yeah, yeah.

Do you get into fights with people in the comments? Oh, I didn't even look if there was comments. Oh, you've got to look if there's comments. You've got to get active in there. Start plugging the podcast festival in the comments of the webcam videos. Done. All right. Idiot.

Done. Shall do. Definitely. Maybe we can sponsor the webcams. of the webcam videos. Done. All right. Idiot. Done. Shall do. Definitely. Maybe we can sponsor the webcams. That's not bad. Yeah. By the way, someone mentioned to me the other day, with our prospective bar that we're buying in Thailand,

Koh Samui, webcam. Got to have a webcam in it. Oh, totally. Fuck. Yeah, non-stop webcam. Yeah, that's expensive though. Is it? I think so.

Having a feed running around the clock, yeah. There's bandwidth on that. But there's so many in Cosmo already. Yeah. All right, I'll look into it. Look into it. Another one of the one million things I've got to look into. Another fly in the ointment.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This thing's more fly than ointment at this point. Where's the fuck's all the ointment gone? We're just rubbing a fly in our face at the moment. All right. We've got to get going with this. Cool. Because the guests for the episode that people have just heard are turning up to my house.

Yeah. Fuck. What an inception. Okay. So thank you once again to all the people who subscribe to us on patreon.com slash little dum-dum club and make all this worthwhile. Keep the lights on in dumbcunt HQ. Now you get the magazine, you get the bonus episodes,

and you get your little name that your mummy gave you when you were born read out on this show. Dad's famously not allowed to give the names. Right. Falls to the mum. Yeah, totally. This is your little 15, this is your little 90 seconds of fame, your little two and a half minutes of fame for your pathetic,

wretched lives out there. This is the one thing that a lot of people are waiting for to stop themselves from necking themselves. Yes, this is it. Yeah. So this is the one light at the end of the tunnel for them. Christmas, typically a pretty, you know, they run off their feet in at the lifelines with people calling up.

You've survived that and, you know, this is it. If the name doesn't get read out, this is the final straw. You made it through Christmas. Oh, God. Or the other way around. Now you've heard this, now you can end it all. Yes. Okay. Great. Okay.

Great. Happy holidays, everyone. Let's crack open the random name generator and hit return and bang. First cab off the rank this week. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Heath Sampson. Heath Sampson. I recognise that name. And again, it's always hard to tell with these if it's because he's a frequent abuser on

social media or because you've just read it out before. Fuck. Well, I've got a list here. I've got a new list supplied to me and it is not on the list. Okay. So I'm pretty sure that's not the case. Mm-hmm. Yep.

Okay. Well, on my list, I'm finding that there is no, no one has ever subscribed to us with the first name Heath. Okay. So it's the first time on the show. Okay, great. Well, first Heath we've ever had. First time anyone called Heath has ever given us fucking one cent.

That's great. Yeah. And how many cents has Heath Sampson given us? Fuck, I haven't got that information in front of me. Right. Yep. Well, thanks, Heath. Yeah.

Thank you for being the first man on the moon. You're like the Neil Armstrong of patreon.com slash little dumb dumb club. One small step for Heath, one giant leap for me and Tommy having a beer. Who's the Buzz Aldrin then? Who's – are we going to find – is that the next name? Well, let's find out, I guess. Unless you've got anything more on Heath? It's a good name. There's not a lot to say about it. It's a little bit

close to being a Simpson, which is... Always good. Good show, I reckon. Well, alright. There you go. You've earned your money there. Controversially, I reckon it's a pretty dominant force in pop culture. I said it. I mean, look, you know what? Probably going to lose a lot of subscribers over this one,

but I just can't be dishonest. You know what, though, Tommy? And I mean, you know, edit this out if you like. The newer episodes, they're not as good. Oh, dude. They're not as good as the earlier episodes. You can't say this sort of stuff in 2017. Tommy.

Dude, you just can't say. What do you think? You can't say this sort of stuff in 2017. Tommy. Dude, you just can't say. What do you think? You can't say this sort of shit. Are you brave enough to have your opinion? The PC brigade are going to be all over us for this one. All those snowflakes out there. But, you know, the greatest show of all time. It didn't keep up its quality for 30 years straight.

Imagine if it had, though. A thing that I've invested no money into whatsoever. If it had continued being on the upward swing that it was on in the early seasons and it had just kept going and going and going in quality every year for 30 years do you reckon it would be watchable at this point? Or do you reckon it would be so funny that you

actually, the human mind wouldn't be able to watch it without exploding? Totally. It's not even TV anymore it's just a laser beam. It's just God himself appearing before you. It's a meteor that races across the night sky and you're like, what the fuck was that? I don't know what it was, but that was beyond funny.

That is a great Black Mirror episode, a world in which The Simpsons kept getting better for 30 years and people can't watch it. The people who, they have to get new writers in for every episode because you write the script and then you die because what you've created is so funny that it's more powerful than yourself. Yeah, they invented like the antidote to friction and it just keeps getting, this show keeps getting faster and faster.

It becomes pure light and that's it. In many ways, that's kind of what's happening with this show. Just when we think it can't get any better, we add the Patreon names in, then the random name generator gets in the mix. I mean, where does it end for us? Well, thanks, Heath. We got there.

Yeah, there we go. Thanks for inspiring that riff. I think we started at like season 27 of The Simpsons Quality. And what, now we've gone backwards? And just stayed. No, we've gone backwards. We had about a year where we were like season five, and then now we're the trends. And what? Now we've gone backwards. And just stayed. No, we've gone backwards. We had about a year where we were like season five and then now we're the Tracy Ullman shorts.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then eventually we're just going to go back to Matt Groening's doodle on the napkin. Yeah, yeah. We're the bunny with the ears or whatever. Life is hell. Life is hell. Life is hell is funny.

I'm going to say it. It's a good comic. You know what? Simpsons is very much a thing where it's like, oh, Matt Groening, what a genius. It's like, is he? I'm going to say it. It's a good comic. You know what? Simpsons is very much a thing where it's like, oh, Matt Groening, what a genius. It's like, is he? I don't know.

I think he made a platform for something that everyone else made a great thing out of. Yeah, well, if you read into it, there's a great old history book about it where Sam Simon is the guy that is credited as doing all the stuff that people like about the Simpsons is all him. So who's our Sam Simon? We're still waiting. Dilrug.

We provided the vehicles and he provided the fat shaming that people are really into. Spam Simon. All right. Thanks, Heath. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. What's that? Oh, what?

Was that the person's name? Doodle-oodle-oodle-oodle-aling. What was that? Oh, what? Was that the person's name? Doodaloodaloodaling. Thanks, Doodle. I used to have the volume down on the random name generator. Right. But that's the little. Because we did a Patreon live show where we heard the sound effect that the random name generator makes.

Oh, yeah, yeah. It sounds different. Acoustically, it sounds very different in here. Yeah. Well, there's been a few upgrades since then. Sure. Okay. Right.

The iOS. Updated overnight. Yeah. Okay. Yep. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Jeff Martin. Jeff Martin? G-E-O-F-F.

Ah. Jeff. One of those. My name's Jeff. One of those. I don't know that I'd like being a geoff. Yeah, I don't like it. Geoff.

It's like you. Do you reckon, is it a similar thing between geoff and Jeff as you have with Carl's with C? Totally. Totally. Not the same name. Don't like it. Yeah.

Soft C. Soft C. It's not. We've said this before. It should be Sal. Yeah. And geoff, it's a crime against nature. Geoff.

Yeah. What a waste of everyone's time. Geoff Martin. Yeah.. Gee off. Yeah. What a waste of everyone's time. Gee off, Martin. Yeah. Gee off, Martin. Yeah. Just, dude, just put it back to the J. We had a teacher at my school called Mr. Martin who was very easily fooled on your computer.

A student had the recording of our school bell and he would just play it on his computer. Oh, really? And Mr. Martin would go, oh, well, end of class. Didn't matter. Ten minutes in. Oh, well, that went quick. Can't you wearing a watch? What?

It actually worked. It worked, yeah. That's amazing. That's like this guy's trying to teach us maths. What the fuck does he know? You can't even add up the time. Yeah. Wow.

Like we'd look at the watch and go, oh, that went quick. You're looking at the time. Yeah. Wow. Like we'd look at the watch and go, oh, that went quick. You're looking at the watch. Did you go to school in a 3.30 in the afternoon fucking children's sitcom? Yes. That sounds like an episode of Saved by the Bell or something. It is very sitcom. And it's like old laptop. So it's like by no means is the sound fidelity up to scratch.

Do you know what I mean? It's like coming out. It's like a 32 kilobyte real player file. It's just so grainy and very isolated, just coming from one pocket of the room. And especially when the bell rings and then the rest of the class laugh. Yes, yes. Class laugh. Yeah.

That's great. It's bizarre, but that's good. Yeah. All right. Thanks, Jeff. Thanks, Jeff. Thanks, Jeff, for me getting a bit of extra recess. I'd love it if that's the same guy and he's only just realised now.

Right. It's my high school teacher. Who's our oldest Patreoner? Do you reckon we'd have anyone in their 60s? Yeah. Interesting. Interesting. I reckon 40s definitely.

50s. Who knows? Yeah. The 60s. That's the final frontier. There'd be some. There'd be some. Or just even listener in general. Oldest listener. Yeah. I'd love to know? Yeah. The 60s, that's the final frontier. There'd be some. There'd be some. Or just even listener in general.

Oldest listener. Yeah. I'd love to know. Yeah. Well, we get those guys that come to the live shows. The names escape me at the moment. But a lovely lady who brings her mother. Yes, yes.

Who's quite elderly. Yes. But they love her. They get in the front row. And I'm not sure of the age there, but yeah. We also have those two geriatric-looking puppets that are constantly sitting up in the wings and yelling abuse at us. Oh, yeah.

Is that us? Is that really us? It's us visiting ourselves from the future. No, but see, that's the Muppets you're talking about where they have two people that yell at them. I'd fucking love to just have two. Instead of the fucking thousands we have. So you're looking at Kermit going, must be nice.

This looks like a sweet vacation. All you have to do is block out one little part of the theatre and don't listen to that bit and it's fine. We've got fucking thousands of idiots yelling at us every day. Yeah. Was that basically – was that when Twitter was invented right then on the Muppets show? At Stadler and at Waldorf.

That was the physical manifestation of Twitter. They're yelling out at Gonzo, you stupid blue cunt. Gonzo's the dill rook of the Muppets. Vilified for being a bit different. Yeah. All right. Thank you to Patreon. Thanks, Geoff.

Thanks, Geoff. Thanks. We've got to pick up the pace on these, by the way. All right. Thank you to Patreon. Thanks, Jeff. Thanks, Jeff. Thanks. We've got to pick up the pace on these, by the way. All right. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Dean Coulson. Oh, wowee. Yeah. Now that I like.

Do you like that? He's already got Dean Martin. There's an association there with being a bit cool, but then just really gilding the lily. Well, I guess it's Coulson. It's C-O-U-L-S-O-N. Say it again. C-O-U-L-S-O-N. Say it again. C-O-U-L-S-O-N.

Is it Coulson? Yeah, Coulson, Coulson. Give him the benefit of the doubt. It's close enough. Coulson. Yeah. That is cool, son. That's cool, son.

Yeah. Or maybe, but it could be like the dad was cool and then he's the son of cool. Oh, yeah. So he's not the cool one. One of those old school ways of naming people. Imagine your dad being cooler than you. Yeah, I mean, that can happen. I'm not far off.

One's written a porno. What have I ever done? Yeah. I didn't even read out the porno. Yeah. No, you didn't. But, I mean, you're all right. You're the son of someone who's written a porno.

That's, you know, if my dad had done something impressive like that, I'd be like, yeah, this is pretty good. This makes me cool. Yeah. Yeah, okay. I mean, that is a high school thing, isn't it? You have currency for your parents' I'd be like, yeah, this is pretty good. This makes me cool. Yeah. Yeah, okay. I mean, that is a high school thing, isn't it? You have currency for like your parents' cool stuff. You're pretty cool.

Yeah, that's true. It doesn't matter what you do. You could be, you know, you could be eating dog shit off the ground at school. You're still Jack Nicholson's son. And you'd find some way of going, ah, yep, I guess that's like The Shining. He's acting crazy again. Classic Jack Nicholson son. That's interesting.

That's interesting what you think you can get away with if you're the son of a famous actor. As long as he's got the sunglasses on while he's doing it and he's got the big, ironically enough, shit-ending grin on. Yes. So you do like there's a Freaky Friday situation where you swap bodies with, let's say, what's his name? Duncan Jones, David Bowie's son, the director.

Right. And you go, finally. Yeah.? Duncan Jones, David Bowie's son, the director. Right. And you go, finally. Yeah. Now that I'm the son of someone famous, I can just eat shit off the ground like I've always wanted. I can never get away with it before. I always was scared of someone saying I was not cool. So Duncan's in your body.

He's getting bashed in Maryborough for being the son of a fairy. Meanwhile, you're just in Hollywood eating shit off the ground. Hang on. Did my dad become David Bowie now or how does that work? No, good point. Right. But he's telling people this is a big mistake. I'm actually David Bowie's son.

Right, right. And they're going, David Bowie, bit queer, he makes us feel uneasy because of where he's dressing up. Yeah, exactly. So he's getting bashed. He thinks that's going to help him get back to Hollywood. It doesn't. To be honest, him growing up as me and Mary Burr doesn't need

a fruity story to get bashed, to be honest. So he doesn't need to open his mouth. Even your dad, just a regular old man, works on a farm, owns some shops, that sounds a bit gay. Yeah. By Mary Burr standards, even that's probably a bit fruity. Totally, totally. Just having a dad seems a bit fruity down there.

Well, thanks Jack Nicholson Jr. or whoever this was. Dean. Dean Coulson. Thanks, Dean. Thank you to Patreon subscribers. Thanks, Dean. Thank you to Patreon subscribers. Josh. The noise changed again. Another update.

How annoying is it? You're updating these stuff all the time. It feels like it. Yeah. Another update. Yeah. How annoying is it? You know, you're updating these stuff all the time. It feels like it's every five minutes now. And to be honest, I don't think that noise was any better than the noise it was before. It was worse. Weird. I hope it doesn't update again. Yeah.

Me too, actually. Thanks to Patreon subscriber Josh Stewart. Josh Stewart. Very proper. Joshy Stewart. I'm going to take a leap here. Works in IT. That name is destined for a career in IT, don't you think?

No, I'd say he's having a gap year. Before he starts his IT career. Well, maybe. I've jumped the gun. I've looked into the future. I feel like he's just finished uni. It's a very uni name, Josh Stewart. It's not an old man's name.

This is not our first 70 year old patreon subscriber put it that way all right you can't be a what happens you can't be a 70 year old called josh you have to like you can't meet someone in a home and go oh this is this is josh he's got senile dementia yeah at what point are you at what point am i too old to use tommy a 60 year old called tommy i don't know no but You know what I mean? A 60-year-old called Tommy. I don't know. No, but you know what? I reckon your 50s is when you can't be called Tommy.

But then when you get 70, I think that's fine again. That's cool, yeah. So if I just wait it out, it's like a decade where I've just kind of got to cop it. Yeah. I'll just get myself chronically frozen like Walt Disney. Yeah. That worked out well for him. That's what he's just waiting for Walt to come back into fashion

and then he's back at it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, he probably nearly came back with Walter White in Breaking Bad. Yeah, so he just lengthens it. He just becomes known as Walter Disney. Yeah. That's pretty cool. Yeah, Walter Disney.

See, that sounds better already. Yeah. Walter Diz. All right, we've got to keep humming along with this. Thanks, Joshy. We've only really got time for with this. Thanks, Joshy. We've only really got time for one more, I reckon. We really are racing against the clock. I mean, if it was up to me, I'd call it now.

But all right, you know what you're doing. We're in your house, your rules. Yeah, we should – let's get through them. It's the holidays. For some reason, that means we should do one more. All right, bang. There we go. Fuck, it is the holidays you're right

Just a slight change in that one that must have just been like a.5 update Something like that Thank you to Patreon subscriber Well I guess it is the season Thank you to Patreon subscriber Santa Comedy Right And is this

Is he subscribing Because we've We've both been Good little boys This year You wouldn't have thought so We have This is the first

Patreon donation We've copped That's literally gone Down a chimney Because this is This has come out After Christmas So I don't mind

Telling you on Christmas morning I went downstairs The little The little The little The little part of my Of my What Of my what my pajamas that covers my bottom was hanging right open i ran down the stairs do we need that in the story yeah right just painting a picture right and i don't mind telling you carl i got my stocking off the off the off the uh mantle

yep big lump of comedy coal in there oh really yes you've been you've been bad at comedy this year. Is that it? Yeah. To be fair, it's what I get every year. I feel like we're getting extra big lumps next year after this. So, Santa comedy, what, he's working around the clock at the North Comedy Pole. I tell you what.

All his little comedy elves working away. I'm not too embarrassed to say I did not believe in Santa Comedy before now. Yes. Yeah, if we're going to be getting $69 a month off him. I think it's strange that this has come up after Christmas and not, it would have been timed a bit better if it had been in the lead up to Christmas rather than two days afterwards. Man, I'm, you know, I don't work like that. I would have thought maybe like Boxing Day sales comedy would have been a bit more appropriate or even.

Hey, what part of fucking random in random name generator don't you fucking understand? There's a lot that I don't understand about the back half hammer of this show. Well, thanks, Santa. Oh, thank you. Thanks for, yeah, thank you for all of your work. Thank you for recognising that we've been good this year. Thank you.

And, of course, not called Santa Comedy all around the world, is it? No, no. Some places he's called Saint Nick Comedy? Yes. Well, famously, you know, invented by the Coca Comedy Corporation. Oh, really? Yeah. Okay.

There's a doorbell. Let's get the fuck out of here. Yep. Thanks for listening, everyone. LittleDumbDumbClub.com. Have a happy new year and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. This podcast is part of the planet broadcasting

network visit planetbcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates i mean if you want it's up to you