The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 378 - Tom Ballard & Ben Lomas

Episode Date: January 3, 2018

If you like COMMEEDDDYYY then you're in for a treat with this week's episode as we're joined by TOM BALLARD and BEN LOMAS! We hear about Ben doing some work on Tom's new ABC show (must be nice) as well as some recent traumatic developments in his personal life that we make fun of! PLUS Dassalo's booked in a very different live show and Karl saw someone on a bike! Don't forget, we have a bunch of huge live shows coming up:MARYBOROUGH: Is this the worst idea ever? Let's find out! We're doing a live show in Karl's hometown. JANUARY 13.BRISBANE: We're coming back for an afternoon of huge live podcasts! MARCH 10.ADELAIDE: God help us, we're coming back. Don't make us regret it. MARCH 17MELBOURNE: We've got a month of awesome live shows happening for the month of APRIL. KOH SAMUI: The Koh Samui International Podcast Festival is happening again in 2018 with guests The Dollop! JUNE 13 - 18. For tickets, merchandise, links to our Patreon and heaps of other stuff, head to our website: littledumdumclub.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbecasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. Today on The Little Dum Dum Club, a brand new episode with guests Tom Ballard and Ben Lomas. First of all though, we have to let you know about a few live shows that we have coming up. January the 13th, we are going to be in country Victoria, doing a live show in Maryborough, hometown of Carl Chandler. It's exciting stuff. Anything could happen. I've just seen on social media they're advertising it on a billboard

at the cricket ground up there. So fuck knows what that's going to bring in. The MCG, the Maryborough Cricket Ground? Yes. Princess Park up there. Nice. That's what it's called. Nice.

So that's going to be great if you are in or around Victoria. That's going to be heaps of fun. It's not too far. If you're from Melbourne, if you're coming from Melbourne, it's only about two hours, so it's not too far away. Get on up there. It's going to be fun. A lot of people coming from Melbourne and interstate and everything,

so it's going to be fun times. Yeah, that's going to be great. Then what do we have? March the 10th we are in Brisbane at the New Globe Theatre. 4pm, I believe that is. Two huge podcasts back-to-back for the one-ticket price. Heaps of guests in town for some unknown reason on that date. So that's going to be a lot of fun.

Come check that out. Brisbane already selling fantastically. You guys get it. Brisbane. Yeah. Brisbane. Some of our best live episodes of the year, I reckon. I fucking love Brisbane. The best.

That's going to be the best. Speaking of. Speaking of things that are attended in some capacity. Bit of a stretch. Adelaide, March the 17th. Again, lots of guests in town. Don't know why. Don't know why people, maybe these

big comedians are following us around Who knows More guests in town than audience members Yeah pretty much March the 17th at the Rhino Room Adelaide don't fucking test me I will fucking pull this gig I honestly don't care

So buy some fucking tickets Or it's fucking done We're over I'm playing good cop bad cop here I know you guys have it in you I know you're going to do the right thing. Come on, Adelaide. That's going to be heaps of fun.

Then we have a month of shows in April, Saturdays. Sorry, Sunday. Every Sunday in April pretty much. 1, 8, 15, 22. Hot, hot, hot. I think it might be 2, 9, 16, 23. Then that one. Anyway.

Go to our website. Sunday's in April. You can get a season pass to go to all four of them for a bit cheaper if you would like to. Then we have the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival happening June 13 to 18. It's us and the dollop. It's us all in a resort together, live shows every night

that you're there, heaps of fun activities. The Ozo Chooing Samui, beautiful resort. Get there with the code. Go to our website to find out the discount code and buy a ticket from our website as well. Five nights of Thailand, absolute paradise. Mayhem.

Plus us as well. Yep. So all of that information, littledumbdumbclub.com. We are both also doing solo shows in the Melbourne International Comedy Festival that will be on sale very, very soon. So check them out. But in the meantime, oh, yes, we are also on Patreon. You can subscribe and support the show if you enjoy it enough to do so.

It is greatly appreciated. And we do a segment devoted to that that is at the end of the show that will be coming in after the episode. But until then, enjoy this episode with Tom Ballard and Ben Lomas. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Daslow and sitting across from me, as always,

the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. Hey, it's been a while since we've dipped into the review mailbag, our iTunes reviews. Right. There's a lot of good ones there. Thank you to anyone who bothers to do that. It does help out the show.

So if you're listening and you've not done that yet, please feel free to leave us a nice review. And what happens, it sort of pumps us up the charts a little bit if you do that. I think it does something. Yeah. I believe that was Steve Jobs' final words were, it does something.

Beep. So this review is titled Kinder Teacher Approves. I teach kinder and when a student came back after term three holidays and spelt his name wrong, I called him a dumb cunt. Luckily the only other adult present was my aide who is also aware. Love this podcast despite the negative impact on my career. Five stars. Five stars.

Yeah, that's our fault. Wow. But to be fair, if you spell your name wrong, you're going to cop it. Like why shouldn't you be allowed to swear at a child at that age if they spell their name wrong? Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Just condition them.

Yeah. Because it's not like that paints a realistic view of the world. If you do that when you're 25, guess what you're getting called? A dumb cunt. Yeah. You're preparing them for the reality of the world. And, you know, when people say, oh, don't say such and such, don't say words around kids, they're quick learners.

Well, this one's not. You can't spoil his fucking name. I want to know. You're pretty safe here, I reckon. But I want to know when she says, so the only other adult who heard it was her teacher's aide, who's also aware. I want to know if she already knew that about her or if this aide heard the teacher say the word dumb cunt and went, do you listen to the Little Dumb Dumb Club as well?

I like the idea that they're having lunch together in the break room at kinder just listening to the podcast. Yeah, not bad. On speakerphone. Yeah, just putting it on in the school, in the classroom. Listening to it, watching through the window as the kids eat clag. Well, today on the show... Speaking of. Yes, we have two

guests who are very familiar with this house that we're in for very different reasons. First of all, he, a man who regularly drives past this house and yells out the word comedy, regardless of whether he knows that there's people home or not. It's Ben Lomas. He's not actually in the room.

That just picked up from outside the house. Just driving past with my daughter. Can we say it now, Daddy? Yes, we can say it now. Daddy! Yeah, didn't you drive? You were telling me you drove past recently and you'd forgot to say it and she made you stop and come back.

Yeah, no. No, we drove like just here. Should I give out your address? No. We just, as we drove past, she's like, Daddy, Daddy, comedy time? I was like, how am I out your address? No. As we drove past, she's like, Daddy, Daddy, comedy time? I was like, damn, I hope it is. Comedy time. It's funny, in saying that,

we did have one moment where... She definitely can't spell her name correctly. Hey, she knows two letters. The I-V-E. Oh, she doesn't have an E in her name. Hey, you are a dumb cunt. Dumb cunt.

Parenting. Big shout out to Lomas' daughter, Carmody. Carmody. Carmody. No, but we had it where... No, let's introduce our next guest. Also our second guest today, who in many ways used to live in this house, it's Tom Ballard.

Hello. What a shithole. There's only really one difference since you've moved out. I mean, how long have you been gone? Two or three months? Yeah, about that. There's only really one difference, and that is there's no welcome sign behind you on the wall anymore.

It was a poster that said, Australians say welcome, which you've called a welcome sign. Australians say welcome, which you've called a welcome set. Australians say welcome, which I think says that this house is now very anti-immigrant. Is that fair to say? Yeah, pretty much. I wonder why we haven't had Dylan in a while.

He is not welcome. I don't know that we talked about, we haven't mentioned, I don't think we've ever said on the show that you moved to Sydney for your current job. Yes. So it's not technically canon in the show yet. Oh, well. This is probably the way a lot of people are finding out.

Your TV show called? Tonightly. With Tom Ballard. With Tom Ballard, yes. You're all right. And when are you going to cast that? It's all locked in now. So auditions already done for all that?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Done through. Did any writers? No. Well, someone did reach out, a friend of mine, Carl, asked if you need any help on your political comedy news show. And I said, research the Senate and then come back to me

and we'll pop you on the staff, all right? If you want to put a writing pack together, that'd be great and we'll see it work. Write a spec script of Mork and Mindy. Send that in. So that's a soft no. It's a soft no, but look, do a tape

of you in your pyjamas and we'll pass it on to the pals that be. Have you watched the show at all? I tried. I tried. Well, on our staff we like people who are able to watch television. That is the basic level.

I can watch some television. No, I haven't. Well, we did a package on the set with your old mate, Dastyari. You can learn a lot by watching that, I think. It's where we should get him back on. How's he doing? Did you have a crack at him? Did that come up on the show?

Yeah. Yeah, well, when we shot that piece, he was so lovely, as he always is to the media, and he took us up to, like, the dining area, like the special place where just the MPs dine at Parliament House and, like, sort of asked for this delicious lunch with a beautiful buffet, and that was all lovely and great. And then, you know, when we went on air, the whole story broke and we had to do jokes about it.

Oh. And we got a Chinese man to play him on air. So, you know. Yeah, you're right. I couldn't write something like that. I imagine the script would have been the same but the character name would have been Chinaman if Carlton. I couldn't get Chando so let's get in Benny Hill.

We open on a Chinese. Enter stage left, Mr Chinese. Enter stage left, a big CGI dragon. Do you like getting foreign donations? Me, right here. Anyway, look, we have our lovely friend, Mr. Sam Daccio. We hope to get him back on. A lot of people have decided to get on social media

and tag us into stuff, having a crack and whatever. It's like, he's our mate. We're not going to have a crack. Is his Patreon contribution still going? I believe maybe not. No. So, yeah, it's done everyone a bit of harm. We'll just change

the logo from hamburger to a Chinese flag and you'll be fine. Let's make this an official policy of the Little Dum Dum Club. Commit all the borderline treason you want. Just keep subscribing on Patreon. Keep your donations going. You know? Keep it coming into the country, into the

right place. At the very least. Exactly. Ben Lomas, you know, like... Keep it coming into the country into the right place. At the very least. Exactly. Ben Lomas, you've been... You're a rare breed in this room in that you're lucky enough to have received a call-up to work on Tonightly. Yes, I did. Yes, I did.

I did. As they said back in the days of the Bard, how doth one get that? Wow. What is Chinese for how do you get that? No, I did have the pleasure. I had a day off. My one day off while working in Sydney, I messaged Tom.

I said, look, I'd love to sit and watch the taping of The Tonight. He said, yeah, no problem. I'll put you on the list. While you're there, let's black you up and get you to play an Aboriginal. Get that poster back up on the door. What was it about The Tonightly that made you want to go watch it? Is it of a certain genre that you happen to enjoy? I actually generally do like the genre.

I'm a big fan of John Oliver and that's pretty much the same. I wouldn't say I like that show. It's purely an original format. More like Charlie Pickering's show there. No, different again. We're on every night. Tom was nice enough to say I'll put you on the list. The free audience that we're desperate for.

What a great guy. Yeah. And so, yeah, I went to the show and all eight of us enjoyed it. The clips I've seen, it does seem like there's a low audience from the response. Either that or there's a lot of people who are not into it. No. You watched the first couple of shows where it was just the cameraman. Oh, really?

No, but so Tom... You're not writing for a cult. It's hard to get people in. I do bring them in, my written gags. So I was working in Sydney doing Walmart for a channel of mine called Ninja Warrior. I had two days off. One of those days off I said I'd come see Tom and then I get a call

an hour later going, yeah, our warm-up guy has got the shits. Has got the shits? Yeah, he's got gastro. Can you come in and do it? And my first response was absolutely not. Why? it and my first response my first response was absolutely not why? because I've been doing crowd work for 8 hours on Cockatoo Island till 2 o'clock in the morning the last thing I want to do is you know

do jokes in front of a whole bunch of greenies who hate me I said I'd swing on a fucking trapeze just to make you feel more relaxed at no stage did Ballard go headfirst into a yoga mat. You're like, what the fuck's going on? But I was with Dil at the time. Clan.

And we were having food. No surprise there. Hang on, walk me through this. No, we were having a lovely dinner, lunch and breakfast together. But then I called back. I said, no, look, I'd be happy to do it. And so I went down there. He didn't sound happy.

Then I told him the feed. He said, fuck! Yeah, I bet. The exact words. And then, no, I came down, hadn't been to ABC Studios there. And it was good. I did notice a couple of things. Yes.

I got to see the rehearsals. Funny. Funny, definitely. Unique. Unique. Borderline racist. Original. Yes.

Oriental. God, I love 2018. It's so inclusive. Yeah. Good thing we're not recording this in the past. God, I love 2018. It's so inclusive. Good thing we're not recording this in the past. Back in unwoke 2017. What did you notice, Benny boy? Was there comedy?

Comedy! You know our channel, Rob? Yeah, it's on the channel called that. Yeah, ABC. Comedy! Comedy! You know what channel we're on? Yeah, it literally is on the channel called that. Yeah, ABC. Comedy. Comedy. You know what you weren't getting for it? Much currency. As I've said once and I'll say it again,

you don't need to get paid when you love comedy. Sounds like that previous warm-up guy getting gastro. He should have done a bit more warming up to his chicken before he ate a bunch of scouts of it. But I did notice a couple of things. It was a great show. Small team. There's not too many of you.

There's like three cameramen and there was a sound guy, Bill, who was very friendly. Who's Bill? I don't know why I mentioned his name. He got away. So we've got three cameras, we've got a sound guy and we've got Bill. Bill is the sound guy.

Bill is the sound guy. Sweet combo. No, but when you go work on a new show, you try to remember everyone's name. Clearly. But what was really nice is you are, because it's a new show and it's your show, you are so friendly to every, like, I've worked on a lot of television shows where, say,

talent isn't as friendly, okay, and you were really friendly to everyone. I noticed that. You weren't a cunt. How long do you give him? Oh, I haven't been back since. So friendly to everyone except for you. Are the Ninja Warriors cunts? No, they're lovely people.

But they spend the whole time just training and working out that they lose half their personality. So who's cunts? There's no cunts. There's no cunts. Everyone's lovely and television. What about that moment you told me when you were talking to the audience and you get one of the Ninja Warriors out and he's really hot and ripped.

Yeah. And you asked, how do you fuck or something? You were getting to a point. Hang on. Did they ask the Ninja Warrior or Lomas? No. I was generally, like these are the fittest people and I was just curious, you know, what is it like?

Everyone is curious about that but no one asks them in a warm-up context. With a microphone in front of 600 people. Isn't this a family show as well? Aren't there kids there? Not at 2 o'clock in the morning. Yeah, right. Need to worry up late. And what was his response?

Would you do it like normal people? No, no, no. He goes, I've got to go. Look, there's no HR in television, so I'm fine. He's like talking to you, one of the obstacles in the show. I've got to get through. You were telling us before that you got in trouble for what you were doing during warm-up.

That's right. You were getting out prizes. Because being a warm-up guy, and look, for what you were doing during warm-up. That's right. You were giving out prizes. Because, like, being a warm-up guy. And, look, for all you kids there, stay in uni because otherwise you'll turn into me. People listening to this aren't at uni. They can't spell around there. So to keep people excited,

because we film from 8 o'clock at night till 2.30 in the morning, right? So I have to keep the audience excited watching a whole bunch of fit people try and do an obstacle course. Do you just put rage on at some stage? Yeah, no. Well, some people just scream because they're so tired. Like a school teacher wheeling out the telly. All right, I'm out.

He's behind the news. Behind the news up late. I like that. But one of the coordinators there from the production office, they got an email saying, look, you've been causing a bit of havoc ever since you've left because they give me prizes to hand out. So sometimes people go, you know, they're getting tired,

hand out prizes. And they said they gave me some movie tickets, right? But they weren't movie tickets. I didn't read them properly. And I was handing all this stuff out and they got this email going, look, I just thought I'd pass some feedback respecting the Ninja Warrior promo. We've had numerous people expecting free tickets down at our cinema.

The flyers clearly state $12 ticket price. So I don't really understand why people think they're getting a free ticket. And I remember because I'd yell out to 600 people, who wants to go to the movie? At a reduced price. I'm not sure what information was communicated by the Ninja Warrior staff, but it's made it really difficult for our staff down here at the Circular Quay.

A handful of customers have been coming in and abusing our staff. Going up to the ticket counter. Two things, first of all. One, to Coco. Two, how do you fuck? Warm-up comedy. Yeah, welcome home, Tom. Thanks, Carl.

You know what? We've talked about this on the show before, but your corner shop, your corner store, now it's just yours, Tommy. The local milk bar, yeah. I was just there, $1.50 coke. Yes, they do have the big blackboard advertising that. And when you go in there, we've talked about this before, they delve into the world of selling things that are very clearly marked

not for individual sale. So they had a few Cornettos in there a few months ago. Just in the white wrapping, big text on it, not for individual sale. Like in the away wrapping, you know what I mean? Like in football, you've got the away top on. It's like they've got their alternative wrapping on there because they're part of a six-pack or whatever. So I went in there as well and they've expanded.

Half the fucking shop is not for individual sale. They've got all the chocolates. They're just unwrapping big boxes of favourites and selling them off now and whatever's going. It's insane. They are taking the piss. I'm pretty close to having to report them. It used to be funny and now it's just.

That's what I want to know. Where do we take this to? Who that listens to this show has an answer for us? Who do you report this into? It's not the police, surely. It's like some sort of... Fucking snitches. Yeah, some sort of food network or something, though.

Who would you take them to, Tom? The TV station. The food network. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got to blow this wide open on the Tonight Show. Exactly. We'll do a story about it on the Tonight Show. Exactly, please.

I mean, but surely, like, it's there, so you've got to answer to someone, don't you? Like, surely that has to be brought to someone at some stage? Why even write it? Mad Max dystopia where there are no rules? Exactly. But why write it on the wrapper if you're not going to enforce it? Look, I don't like saying this, but these are the facts.

It's an Asian family. What is this, the tonight league? I think I may have seen them on TV the other week. We go to a current affair, this is right up their alley. This is absolutely right up their alley. Okay, all right. Look, once we finish this, let's send an email to Current Affair and see what happens.

Okay, great. But who would you generally report it to? Is it the watchdog, whatever the hell? Oh, yeah, the ombudsman. Their suppliers. Yeah, the ACCC. The ACCC. The watchdog.

Well, hey, we found out that we have people, you know, there was a girl who listens to this show who's the niece of Peter Alexander. Yeah. Maybe there's someone related to the Streets family. Maybe a girl who listens to this show who's the niece of Peter Alexander. Maybe there's someone related to the Streets family or the Peters family. Maybe Barry Cadbury listens to this show and we can Oh my god, why don't we get

Cadbury! Well, why don't we just get someone to dress up in a suit and say they're from Cadbury and just go in there. I'll do it. Didn't you used to live around the corner? No, no. As my moustache clearly indicates, I'm a different person. So what are they selling the individual favourites for,

like the chocolates and stuff? They didn't have the price on them. 20 cents or something like that. 20 cents? Well, like 15. What if we went in there and had the undercover, had the camera on us, had the GoPro on us secretly and had footage of us buying

individual crunchies and then just send it into a current affair to see what they would do with it. It would be amazing. Who would be willing to do that? Oh, that's right, Nick Capper. This would be great coverage for us. But so wait, Lomas, your plan is Ballard puts on a suit and goes in there.

Yeah. Then what? Buys him chocolate, brings it back. From then on, it's a little riffy. Well, what about this? Because that's a good, like, this could be great press for us. If we get on, if we bankrupt a milk bar and get on a current affair, hey, you know, people might start listening.

That's coverage on Channel 9. Yeah, and plus you don't have anywhere to buy milk from anymore. So that would be cool. Well, I've had a bit of a promo idea for us because we've put out a documentary that we made of the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival 2017. Yes. So people can find the link of where to buy it if they have not already got it on our website.

Yes. Tom Ballard's in it. Tom Ballard's in it. It's an hour long documentary. It looks great. Standing next to a very cool t-shirt, I believe. Let's not go into it. Let's go back to

that Chinese story. But we, when we first got the footage back, we were trying to find a way to have a screening of it. We wanted to show it somewhere to watch with an audience. We thought that would be cool. It was hard to find somewhere at such short notice. Yesterday I went to the NGV and they've got a whole new exhibition on.

It's all these different rooms of all these interactive things. One of the pieces of art is in the corner of one of their rooms there's a mock lounge room set up with a TV and a couch and there's like snacks on the table. And the artwork is people from the public register to go in and sit in the lounge room and you can bring in whatever you want and watch it on the TV and you are the artwork. So you get it for an hour, you're sitting in the gallery, you watch what you want and you are the artwork.

So, Carl, it can be whatever you want. I have registered you and I to go in and watch the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival documentary in the NGV. And we'll put it out there. People can come and watch it with us. Can they watch it or

can they just watch us? No, we're sitting there in the gallery and the TV is on. But how big's the TV? It's like a normal TV size. Oh, okay. I thought it was like some little TV so they could only watch us instead of watching the actual show. No, no, no.

You're just – Because you are a piece of art. Yes. Okay, I see. A sweet piece of art. So what do you think? I mean this will be – Sure.

People can come watch it with us and we'll probably – you know, there'll be passers-by. Yeah, okay. They'll get a look at it. They'll go, this looks cool. Why are those two guys watching videos of themselves with no shirts on? They'll see me watching footage of Thailand and go, well this checks out.

We've seen this guy at the Hawthorne gym and this is all he watches. Better idea, fuck off the documentary, Thailand webcam. Not bad. You can bring in what you want. It's just got to be on a USB. Oh really? So I've registered us. Have we got a date or a time?

We've got a date. So this is happening Saturday, January the 20th at 10.30am at the NGV. Saturday at 10.30am. Busy. Right. Can't make it. Busy and I don't want to go. Terrible combo.

This is our chance to finally be art car. Yeah, sure. This is our chance to finally turn this podcast into a piece of art. I'm in. This will legitimise us. As seen at the NGV. What's more prestigious than that? Can someone bid on us as a piece of art?

Can we be sold at Sotheby's? I'll walk past and go, I'll take it. Just these snooty old men watching us going, I don't get it. My kid could have done that. I don't get it. I don't get it. My kid could have done that. I don't get it. $10,000. You know what will happen? The Chinese will come in and buy it all up again.

But I think this is cool. It's in like a big room. Like it's in a big room with all these other paintings hanging. And then just in the corner there's a little lounge room set up and they give you snacks. And so, yeah, if any of the listeners want to come and watch us watching the Koh Samui doco, if you haven't bought it yet, this is a good way of coming and getting

it for free. Fuck, we've got to think about what should we go in? We have to be going in dressed all in the official Koh Samui merchandise. Do you have to pay to get in to see that? No, it's free. Wow. You'd be stupid not to go. Like our documentary, it's $10 if you buy

it online. I not the ideal time I reckon if you don't go to that You're not that stupid That was the one time I could find that was free That was gonna That was gonna work For the listeners

Not being during the week And not clashing With other stuff A little bit of Fruity language Going on at 10.30am In the NGV Then I would tip

Yeah we might have to request A censored version Of the video Oh really Is there much swearing in it? There'd have to be. It's us. It's got to be G or PG rated. Right, okay. So, if we just, if we can hopefully get an edit of it with some bleeps in it,

we should be fine. Okay. Alright, well, let's go. Yeah, look, totally, apart from that. What time? What time? Or we can just, do they, how are they going to go through the whole hour doco? They're not going to do that before they play it, before they get the USB. No, there's terms and conditions.

I've gone through. I've gotten the legal team to go through this. I think we're okay. Is that the legal term? When you registered, you had to select is it a TV show or a movie or a home video. There's a home video category. You're tempted to put in Pammy and Tommy's.

And it said... I don't swear in it, to be fair. And it said, why have you chosen this video? And I said, me and my friend Carl went on a holiday to Koh Samui together and we made a video of our trip and we recently got the edited video back and we've been looking for a way to get together and watch it together and this seems like the perfect fit. I think you'll agree that's a great cover story.

We just haven't had time. We haven't found a TV to play it on until we found the National Art Gallery. Until I went to the gallery yesterday and saw a telly and went, Eureka! So it does say in the terms and conditions, if gallery staff decide midway through your screening that you're breaking the terms and conditions, you will be immediately escorted off the premises.

Yes, please. Great. That's great. Leave the swear words in there. Let's see if we can get kicked out of the National Gallery. But surely if your fans rock up, they'll start just yelling out, dumb cunt! They'll start fucking putting the sculptures in their bags

and fucking off with it. That's what they'll do. So here's the real plan. While the staff are distracted kicking us out, why don't you guys sneak up to the top level and you steal the Picasso they've got? Genius! That is the biggest dream of mine.

I want to steal it. I think about it all the time. Every time I go to an art gallery, I'd love to just steal a famous painting. I just would love... I think about it a lot. Like, I mean, I don't have much spare time on my hands,

but I'd love to. I'm in for that. Burglary! Jail time! Chando's 11. Oh, yeah. Nice. It'll be good.

It'll be good. All right. So, Saturday, January 20th, 10.30 a.m. It's free to get in. Amazing. I can't really give you specific directions of what room it's in, but it's on the ground floor. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just follow your nose. Yes. Yes. Great. That's great news. Yeah. Speaking of when you were talking before about Lomas driving past or riding past usually.

Yes, I ride past a lot. Yeah. This is what happened to me the other day. I was walking home and it was what I call a very – I love this moment. Rare time of day. There was absolutely no traffic coming from one way or the other way. I call it a real vanilla sky moment just where there's no one on the streets

and I'm just enjoying walking there trying to listen for any car at all. What? Your time cruise. Yes, obviously. Yep. In many situations. Best time of the year. Yeah.

Right now. No cars on the road. Yeah. So good. So I'm just walking up the road. There's absolutely no traffic. And it's quite hilly where I'm walking. There's a couple of big hills like that.

And so I can see someone coming up the hill on their bike, and it's the only person going that way or the other way. There's only one person coming. And so I can see this speck, and I can hear this noise. It's like, it's getting louder and louder. And I'm watching this person get closer and closer, and I'd notice he's just screaming. He's just riding along this hill

like it's not that big it's not a big hill it's a very sort of slow incline and he's just screaming as he's running just as he's screaming there's no one behind him there's no one chasing him or anything and i'm like fucking this is gonna be good and i'm like i'm walking on the right side of the road to to cop him and everything so i'm like fuck what's gonna happen he's gonna come right next to me at some stage so he's just coming towards me just screaming and he's closer and closer he gets right up within 10 meters as he gets 10 meters five meters away he stops he's like ah good day mate and just keeps and starts screaming again and just keeps going just stops to say good day mate to me and And just keeps And starts screaming again And just keeps going

Just stops to say G'day mate to me And then just keeps going It's fucking great Was he wearing Was he in cycle gear? Like did he look He had a helmet on

He just He checked out Maybe the helmet was done up too tight It was fucking bizarre It was absolutely Headphones or anything? I don't think so Was he listening to Pantera or something? But he was doing, as soon as

he saw me he stopped and said g'day and then kept going and I just watched him go the other way and I reckon he rode for about 20 metres and then just kicked it up again. He just rode into traffic again there. Well, these people would be aware that he's around. You don't need a bell if you're just screaming all the time.

Yeah, that's what it is. Maybe his bell's broken. Maybe he was just making up for all the noise that there wasn't around. It was like all vanilla skies. He used to do it being a lot of, you know, sort of white noise around. He's like, oh, I'll just make my own. It's tempting to then follow that guy because you want answers. You want to know how long this is going on for.

Especially, but the tough thing is, of course, this sounds, oh, yeah, you want to follow him now that we've heard the story. But at the time when you're seeing a screaming man on the bike, you're like, I've got to follow that guy? Yes. Like I'm pretty sure he's riding into trouble. I did that last night. I went out to dinner last night and came back home and there was a junkie

had gone through all our bins and was going through our rubbish uh and we had to like get her to go away and then i followed her on the bike you didn't want anyone stealing your rubbish the stuff that you don't want anymore there was a leftover mango worth 16 but it was weird i followed her on the bicycle as well just watched her oh really yeah and it was just like it was creepy because it looked like i was just stalking a woman but it's that weird thing. I get that. If I see her crazy, I follow them. Yeah.

Also with my children. One night I came home from dinner and parked out the front here and it was about nine at night. It was the middle of winter. It was pissing with rain and there was a man walking down our street with no shoes, no socks, no pants, no underwear. Whoa. But the rest of him fully clothed.

Was it Tom? And walking up the street away from the house and I saw him and just like was just so caught off guard by how bizarre it was. And it's one of my deepest regrets that I didn't follow it. Like not even, not holding pants under his arm, it's like, well, something's happened and look, rightly or wrongly, he's decided to just take them off and take them with him. No pants in sight.

So never had pants on. Just baffling. Baffling. My dad did it once when I was 15 where we were driving and then we saw a guy running up the street with a television, like really fast, and dad goes, we need to follow this. television, like really fast, and dad goes, we need to follow this. I saw a guy on the tram yesterday with a DVD player under the arm and he looked like some form of junkie or whatever on his way to sell it.

But, I mean, are you getting much – if you're a junkie, what are you getting for a DVD player these days? Oh, you get $10. I've heard. Surely you'd have better luck in Lomas' rubbish bin. Yeah, totally. Before I forget, someone got me back because, yes, I do like to yell comedy at this house,

but I was walking with my daughter on Brunswick Street and someone drove past and yelled out, comedy! Nice. But then my daughter goes, they comedied us. Well done, Minx. Well, Ben, we've got to ask you about something because me and Chandler heard something about you recently. Far away. Now, how do we get into this?

Do you want to tell your side of it or should we tell the version we heard and you can clarify whether this is true or not? I'm not sure what we're going to say. I mean, I would say, are you, it's the festive season, are you enjoying, I mean, Tom Ballard and I were having a few beers last night. How are you going with the festive season? I'm going okay.

I have quit drinking. I'm nervous. I'm really nervous. No, no, no. I've quit drinking. Is this it? You've quit drinking? Yes, I've quit drinking.

Right. Are we going to talk about why I've quit drinking? You know what? What a blessing of content. This wasn't the? Yes, I've quit drinking. Right. Are we going to talk about why I quit drinking? You know what? What a blessing of content. This wasn't the thing I was going to go into. Right. But by all means, let's do this. No, no, no.

Let's start on this. Let's do this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's this? No, no. So you're not drinking at the moment? Yes. And there's reasons behind that?

Yes. I went to a wedding in New Zealand and made a complete cock out of myself. What did you do? I got so drunk at my best friend's wedding that I blacked out for a good two hours and then didn't remember anything. And I'd like to think that I'd just passed out in a ditch, but no, no, no, I was on the dance floor. You were active.

I was active. And then the next day I... You woke up and found out you'd done warm-up for Tom Ballard's TV show? Rock bottom. Yeah, no, and then I had to apologise to the wedding party the next day. No. You had to issue a formal apology. Formal apology.

How do you do a formal apology? No, because they did this, like, performance bit and I said, look, I said, Cam, I just have to apologise. I just – he goes, no, you're fine. I was like, no. And then I did the apology and then I said, do I need to apologise to anyone else? And all the hands went up in the air.

No, I'm Spartacus. It was brutal. Can you tell us any of the stories that came back to you? Well, one of them I firstly apologised to the bride's parents. I said I'd like to apologise to Barry and Cassie. Cassie, I know that's not your real name, but that's what I was calling you the whole time. This is like a reverse welcome to country.

The other one was like this woman came up to me and she goes, do you know what you told my son? I was like, what? He's only 14. I was like, look, what did I say? He's like, you told? I was like, what? He's only 14. I was like, look, what did I say? He's like, you told him to start wearing condoms. He's only 14. And I was like, well, there's nothing wrong with that.

And you said, and always come from behind. What? So, yeah, it was just a bit of a wake-up call. And I'd been wanting to stop for a while, like just to give it a break. It sounds like other people have been wanting you to stop for a while more like it. Why not wait until it's out of your control and it's an actual thing

that you have to do? It was just, yeah, it was brutal. And then, yeah, and then it was just like, it was the worst hangover I've ever had. Like that was enough for me to just go, no. Didn't you try and, didn't something happen back at the place you were staying at as well? No.

Well, I remember because we hopped back in the bus. I kind of vaguely remember that. And then I was standing up and doing a speech because, you know, when you do comedy, it just can't stop. And then the bus went and I just fell onto someone. And then I remember I hurt myself. I think I blacked out a bit and then all I remember is I woke up the next morning. You don't black out a bit, by the way.

I greyed out. Then I was just like, okay, I'll stop. I woke up the next morning and I was in my suit still and then there was a bucket next to me. How much money was in the bucket? We did well that night. Great MC. Dig deep, guys.

Dig deep. Always come from behind, mate. But didn't – I swear you told me this. Didn't you try and like shit in the bathtub of where you were staying? Oh, no, no, no. If I put a night where you forget about that, there's a bad point Of your blackout But um

I was there And a friend of mine Was next to me And he said I don't know Whether they're a cousin Or whatever Comes up

He goes Mate you were shitting in the bath And before I could even answer My mate comes and goes No no no I stopped him Before he got one out Couldn't even

Didn't even do it What a loser No follow through So yeah So that's it Had a break So you're still off it yeah, so that's it. Had a break. So you're still off it? Still off it.

It's been four months nearly. Wow. So thank you, thank you. It's funny because I caught up with Dill and it was that thing

where I was like, Dill, so what is it like? You quit drinking and just focus on diabetes? Yeah. So yeah, see how long it will go.

The tricky one is Just doing what Dill does now and no more grog and just getting home and just whacking a bit of Ben and Jerry's in the microwave and just sculling that. But no, I can't. God, that is so disgusting. This is why they're not welcome. I did do it at the start because after you finish your gig,

you usually have a couple of beers and mates and now it's just like I started eating shit loads of chocolate and mates. Now, it's just like, I started eating shitloads of chocolate. I was like, no, I better slow that down. But yeah, no. Hey, well, it's new. I mean, when this episode comes out, it's 2018. So now's the time for your resolutions. Now's the time.

Well, this is a tricky one. I want to do a year, right? I generally want to do a year, no booze. However, Koh Samui is in June and I am trying to do a year no booze however Koh Samui is in June and I am trying to find a way how to convince my wife

and my family that I can go over there for legitimate reasons yeah well it sounds like it's unsafe where you live with all these junkies

going through yeah exactly so just treat it like witness relocation yeah and nothing bad ever happens to Aussies in Thailand

so just think of all the baths you can shit in over there yeah oh god And nothing bad ever happens to Aussies in Thailand. Think of all the baths you can shit in over there. Yeah. Oh, God. So, yeah. Well, because this is a… Well, speaking of Thailand, so while we're on that track then. Yeah.

It never comes up on this podcast, so you'd better jump in while you can. I'll take that rare glimmer. So people have been asking what the updates with the bar that we're proposing to buy over there. So I've been doing the groundwork. I've been looking into, you know, just Googling how to buy a bar in Thailand a lot and reading all the pages that come up. Which I think you probably would have been doing anyway regardless of if it had come up on the podcast or not.

So just a happy coincidence. Yeah, yeah, sure. I just went through my history from a couple of weeks ago and reread what I read then. We talked about this last night. I've offered to go in for 80% as long as it's a gay bar. And I want Chandler in a little sailor's uniform, crop top behind the bar, couple of crop.

Fantastic. Yeah, so that takes care of the first question with you guys, which is are you in? You guys in? Oh, I had that discussion with my partner. I said, look, we saved up for a house, and I was like, but we're finding different ways to invest money because we can't afford anything.

We don't want to sit in the bank. I said, look, I've got an investment opportunity. I said, my friends, you know, my good friends, Carl and Tommy. She's like, I'll stop you right there. Why don't you make friends with that junkie at the front instead? So, but keep going because I've got something to add to, because I think I've found a way to legitimise myself. Okay.

Well, here's a good point that was raised last night because, you know, roughly one of the ones we were looking at is like $25,000, which you go to own a business, not that much. But then friend of the show, Nick Cody, pointed out the cost of beers there. It's like, well, that actually means you've got to sell 25,000 beers to make that money back. No, but you make the money back when at some stage you sell it. You know, we go there, we add value,

we make it the most legendary bar in Koh Samui. But this is the thing. I spoke to a friend of mine who has done all this in Thailand and I spoke to him yesterday. I said – Well, hang on, hang on. Maybe I'll say this because what I've been doing is I've been emailing because what I've learnt is that it's got to be sort of co-owned

by someone from Thailand. There's all this sort of legality. You can't just walk in and just buy something and be from Australia. You've got to have – it's got to be sort of roughly 51% owned by a Thai local or you've – You count as a Thai local by this point. That's what I would have thought. But anyway, so it's tricky.

So what I've been doing is emailing lawyers and real estate companies over there to go what – look, there's a big bunch of very savvy media professionals in Australia that are looking to invest and getting a bar or a restaurant entirely. Savvy. So what is the – I love it. You've probably never spoken to a real estate agent or a lawyer back here

in Australia in your whole life. Totally. So I've been getting back a bunch of emails from them going, oh, you know, happy to help and, you know, all that sort of stuff. Then a couple of people that are just like, oh, here's one that I got back last night which is, you know, whereas real estate people are generally like, oh, you know, whatever we've got to say, we want your business, we'll help you buy whatever, we just want the money.

This guy's just come back at me. Dear Carl, if that is your intention, I would advise extreme caution. Samui has a wealth of bars and restaurants and few make any money. The foreign-owned businesses in particular. Before you invest any money, make sure you fully understand the limitations and requirements of being a foreign business owner. You will always be competing with the Thai-run businesses who do not have capitalization issues, work permit and visa issues,

all of which cost you money which the ties do not have to pay. You can walk into pretty well any foreign-run bar or restaurant here and it will be for sale and the reason is they cannot make any money at all. Good luck. Regards, Harry. Which I read between the lines and say, things must be going pretty good over there and they're trying to scare us off, boys.

I refer you to the case of Chando V Content. So they're running scared, guys, so let's buy two bars. That's what I'm proposing. Great, I'm in. Why stop at two? Go five. Let's open a franchise. Dumb cunts all around Coastal Newark.

So there's no headway being made? We're just touching base with real estate agents and lawyers? There's all soft headway being made, yeah. I mean, look, Rome bars weren't bought in a day, so look, it's getting there. You can't just click your fingers and you buy a bar or a restaurant. I mean, we did think that was possible about a month ago. We did, but...

That was kind of what led us to the idea in the first place. We did overestimate Thailand. It's just some insane 7th world country that you can just point at and own something. I just feel like clock wiped you going, look, you can't just sell a bar in Thailand like that. It takes time. I know

we've got to get rid of this fucking sinking investment but give me time, guys. I asked my friend who bought property over there when he was 25 so about you know like you know 10 years ago and he was saying i said how much money do they he goes how much money they have i said uh uh that you know they could possibly get you know maybe 40 50 grand like they really get everyone behind and it's like are they young and i was like define you know young at And I was like, define young. Young at heart. Young at heart. And he said, look, this is the thing. Like you can buy something but you could just as well go to the casino,

put 50 grand on 27 red, let it spin. Oh, this sounds exciting. Then it falls on eight black and you'd still be up. And I was like, how? He goes, because you'd still have some of your fingers left. Oh, Jesus. That's what he said. And it's because, how? He goes, because you'd still have some of your fingers left. Oh, Jesus. That's what he said. And it's because he said there's so many layers.

There's tourists, but it's the wild, wild west out there. Because you have to also deal, which is what he had to deal with, you have to deal with the mafia. Yeah, but that's coming up against the comedy mafia. But it sounds absolutely crazy there. Let's just cut off your fingers and go, you will never do an open mic spot in Melbourne. I can't hold a mic.

Just leave it in the stand, will you? But he kept asking questions. It's like, you know, are they entrenched in a local community? To start with, this guy you're talking about, has he got all his fingers? Yes, he does. Then we're safe, I reckon. He spent seven months there, which is no problem for you.

But he learned how to speak Thai, and then he had to go in with the Thai family, because it's the same thing. He can only own 49%, 51%. But he said he had to learn the language, because he said, and he goes goes he never expects the money back yeah so he goes

as soon as it lands on that island you will never get it back out again right he goes is he still over there? his mate's still over there and they've got like three lodges okay all I'm hearing is we've got contacts now

so you do go to Koh Phangan I'm hearing I'm hearing and he's looking to sell baby how much do the fingers cost? We need some spare ones up our sleeves. If anyone's got some Kevlar gloves, we can borrow them.

Sounds crazy. Because we got sent a thing about like, yeah, like kind of an online sort of like, so you're thinking of owning a bar in Thailand. And one thing it said was you have to be a Thai citizen or a US citizen because they have some kind of arrangement. So I'm thinking, why don't we drag the Dollop Boys into this, baby? We know a US citizen.

They've teamed up with us. They've already made one bad decision. Exactly. Why not make another one? Exactly. We'll just say to them, that's in the terms and conditions of signing on to the Koh Samui Podcast Festival. You should have read the fine print.

We get to use you as a front for our dodgy operation. Well, yeah, look, that'll be another of the questions when I go back to these guys and say, what is the deal with the US? What's your finger policy? Yeah, what is the deal with the US ownership rules and whatever? Because I don't think that's a hard and fast rule as well. I think that's a weird, funnily enough, another dodgy rule over there. So I'll get to the bottom of that.

But I'm still pursuing it. It's still happening. People are still, listeners of the show are still sort of wanting to be part of it somehow, suggesting like. That might drop off with this new information on the episode, but. Well, no, it's, you know, everyone loves Goodfellas. Why not, you know, something dangerous is cool.

It's way cooler this way. Sure. I want to laugh, but I'm scared for you. Hey, you already said you're in. Yeah, I am. I'm all $200. I'm in, I'm in, but I just want a corner of the bar that just, I just want the whole bar just to say, comedy!

We're still pitching names, but rest assured listeners, I'm still chasing it. It is still, the aim is to have something We're still pitching names But rest assured Listeners I'm still chasing it It is still The aim is to have something By the time of the Koh Samui Podcast Festival

In 2018 Wow That is so soon My friend just seriously said It took him Even to strike the deal It took like Eight months

Really? Yeah He said The way they do business over there It's not like you send A couple of emails You have a business meeting He talks about having One business meeting where you spend eight hours

drinking whiskey and at the end you just make a couple of decisions but nothing. It took him so long. Right. Well, I mean. Because they do things differently over there. They're a different country, Carl. Well, A, I may not know everything about how to do things and B, wow.

He said it. It sounds like a bit of a shitty business meeting to me. I wouldn't say that's what happens with every decision-making policy over there. All right, Lomax, you win. To the casino. Let me spin the wheel. Can we double it up and make our own casino in Thailand?

It's not bad. Well, as he said, he said the big one is with bars. He said whatever you do, don't look like you're making money. I was like, there's no problem there. I've had that covered for 10 years. If you do look like you're making money, then you get a knock on the door going, well, where's the outcut? Right.

Right. From who? From the mafia. The islands are run. All those three islands are run by the mafia. Right. Like from like I think something like seven different families. But surely if you've got like a little business.

Mate, have you watched Godfather? No. Neither have I. You made a good point. Lomas, this is what I wanted to get to before and this is something that we found out a little while ago. You had some kind of health scare this year? Yes, I did. Yes. Okay had some kind of health scare this year?

Yes, I did. Yes. Okay, are we going to talk about this? Well, I'm not going to, but you go. Yes, I did have a health scare. Hilarious. No, I – which I still do. You had your fingers chopped off in Thailand.

In Thailand. No, I found a lump in my neck. Oh. Yep. God, a lump in my neck. It's called your head. Yay. Nice. And then they had spread all throughout my body comedy and then uh so it was pretty much i was diagnosed uh that i looked like i had cancer

right and i was just like they were doing all these tests and i had to do another test and there was just this moment where i was having to go see the specialist i was told it wasn't looking good and i remember i was on my way to the specialist and then the door opened right and then this uh patient appeared right who clearly had cancer but looked my age but looked a lot older right and just because he was so emaciated right and then it was at this moment where i was going up to the lift and I was freaking out and I was like, shit, I'm going to have to call Tommy Daslow for advice. And it was one of the darkest days of my life. So I was like, yeah.

But you're all good, yeah? I'm on 90%. I have to do a couple of tests but they say it's all looking good. Right, correct. But there was a period of of tests where they say it's all looking good. Right, correct. But there was a period of just I was told that it was not looking good. But there was part of you looking forward to the rapid weight loss, surely. Yeah, I thought about that. I was like there will be a couple of months where you're looking good

to start eating again, champ. This is what we got told about you is that you put on in that two weeks where you really thought you had it, you put on an insane amount of weight because your thinking was, chemo will just shed the weight off me and I don't want my kids to get freaked out by me looking gaunt, so

I'll do this as pre-preparation to have a buffer. Chemotherapy! I wish I wish I could say that wasn't true. Have you ever seen The Biggest Loser? Because it's not just people up in attics

like dealing with asbestos. I went nuts. But it's also like I'm a real anxious eater. Fuck, what's wrong with Dil? I went bananas because I'd lost a lot of weight this year and then I just started just eating

and when I say eating, it was just I really went for it. I was like, if I have this, I just don't want my kids... It was, I was thinking about my kids. I don't want to go to my grave thinking, I could have had that hot dog. No, but it was just like...

Who gets the news you might have cancer and their first thought is, to smorgies. It was brutal. It was just... What are you eating? How much did your diet change? It's just like anything you want, you eat immediately. Welcome to Pizza Hut.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you guys bulk bill or what? It was just like... Do you have any cancer specials? No, I just ate. Like I ate before gigs. I ate after gigs. I just like, why are we doing this to me?

I wake up in the middle of the night and made pasta. Like I was freaking out. I was generally freaking out. And then I was just eating. Yeah, I was eating a lot. The big C, carbonara. Oh, it's going to be so bad if I eat. Are we out of the clear yet?

Oh, okay. The weirdest thing, Lomas rocked up to the Peter McCallum Institute and just got stuck at the McDonald's at the farthest. Never actually went in. He said Lekevia, not La Pochette, you fucking idiot. Is that 40 nuggets? 60, 60. I need 60 nuggets stat.

So then you go back to the doctor and you get told that you're basically in the all clear. Yeah, so just before I left to. Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah. So just before I left to Sydney. And your thinking is, fuck. I'm thinking, oh, better cancel those restaurants. No, I, yeah. So it was all clear.

I needed to get that because the last thing I wanted to do was be working in Sydney for a month and then find out the news and then be away from my family. So I was like, I pushed for it. So that's why it's not 90% because I'm going to have more tests done. But it's looking good. Right. But specialists can never rule it out because they can't just say,

you know. Unfortunately, you're not looking good. Yeah. Whatever. I reckon you've been given the all clear and you're still just saying, no, it's still 90%. So do you want to do lunch after this or? Anyone for a thick shake?

You can never be too certain. Yeah, it is true. But then seriously, since I got the news, it's looking really good, I was like, okay, well, I'm going to stop that. Because I got into a good rhythm with not eating shit after gigs. But then I was scared because when I quit the drinking, that's what the thing is I found that

that was all happening as soon as I quit drinking all I want to do when I was going through all that shit is just have a beer and a scotch and a martini

what was it then? they don't know yet so they say they say it's like you know diabetes just a couple of Maltese's

that got stuck on the way down. I thought they just dissolve in your mouth. But not in your neck. That's weird. There's a mole, just a melted Malteser on the back. So, yeah. Well, the main thing is we can laugh about it.

Yes, yes, yes. 90%. That's good enough for thing is we can laugh about it. Yes, yes, yes. 90%. That's good enough for me to start making jokes about it. I've got a good feeling about this. Really good. Look, if you die from it, we'll edit this out in a few years. Yeah, thanks, mate. I really appreciate it.

Really appreciate your support, guys. Play it at the funeral. What were you jumping down on during the old sea years? Yeah. Oh, well, you know, the sea years. I don't know. were you jumping down on during the old C years? The C years? I don't know. When you're a kid and you get sick, you get admitted to the Royal Children's Hospital

and there's a McDonald's in there, so you turn up and go, fucking here we go. Do you get a discount or what's going on there? Yeah, interesting. Well, I wasn't spending my own money at the age of eight in the hospital. Or the age of 31. There we go. Spending my own money at the age of eight in the hospital.

Or the age of 31. There we go. There it is. Merry Christmas. That was my gift to you. Huge softball. Thank you for giving me my make a wish. Yeah, that's interesting. I don't think, I doubt you do.

You should. You should what? Get a discount I'm sure you get a discount Because that Like yeah That's the thing It's like

Yeah hospital food Is terrible To be fair It is a bit of a weird question To rock up there With a Happy Meal And go So do you have cancer or not?

No? Then full price First day there The dad's there With his son With no hair Just like We uh

Really? 5.95? Really? We can go a bit lower on that, can't we? Chuck in a box of cookies. Come on. There's a whole bunch of dads just shaving their kids' head out the front. It's 20% off.

Stop shaking or no nuggets. Can I put this on lay-by? How long have you got? Just a loyalty card. You're giving them away. My dad would sometimes, he would do KFC runs. So he had to go off campus. Because, you know, it's like we're all in there.

We're all in the ward eating McDonald's nonstop. Suddenly we get bored of it. Dad's like, dad's taken orders of all the other beds. Like, who wants some chicken strips? Coming in like fucking Santa Claus himself. Just loaded up with a girl. Colonel Claus. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You have to wonder how he's getting that through the front door. Like, come on, mate. There's a fucking Maccas right here. We've got an arrangement with them. Yeah. They're donating every year and you're going out and basically causing more cancer by bringing the opposition in here. Yeah.

And, yeah, a brutal serve to the people who work in the kitchen at the hospital. It's like, no, no, we would rather our children eat McDonald's than this swill. It's so bad., no, we would rather our children eat McDonald's than this swill. It's so bad. But remember, eat healthy, guys. Yeah, well. Who are you saying that to, us or yourself?

Just all the kids with cancer out there. God, yeah. Use low masses. But if you apply yourself and you're dedicated, you can put on 12 kilos in a month. Yay! 2018 goals. What's your resolution?

My resolution is... Not have cancer. Yeah, that. Not as many cancers. Mine are really boring. Spend a bit more time with the fam and try and get under 100 kilos. Nice. That's my...

What are you on now? Now I'm 117. Enough about your 2016 resolution. What about your 2018 one? So, yeah, that's what I'm 117. Enough about your 2016 resolution. What about your 2019? So, yeah, that's what I'm going to try and do. Lose 17 kilos. Yeah.

Well, I'd lost like at the start of this year I was 134. 134? I was 134. Can you go up that high? Yeah. My God. Wow. You can.

And if you really apply yourself like I do with my comedy, you can get there. Just think about the Thailand stuff. Maybe those people who lost their fingers, maybe they just had like a cancer growing in there and they just had to get it amputated. Maybe this has all just been some big misunderstanding. It's not the mafia at all. They're doctors.

I'm willing to believe whatever it takes for me to get a bar in Thailand. Oh, this is going to be amazing. And you think you'll get one before the podcast. That's the aim. I mean, that's the point of doing it. So we can go over there. You need to go over there and you need to have a contact. You need someone who speaks the language.

That's the one. But you need someone because otherwise you'll get fucked over. You won't even get the bar. They'll just go, ha, ha, ha, ha, white old guy, sex tourist, give us money. Yeah, yeah. So you need someone who speaks the language. You won't even get the bar. They'll just go, ha, ha, ha, ha, white old guy, sex tourist, give us money. Yeah, yeah. So you need someone who speaks the language. You need to have, you need a fan.

Surely there's got to be one Thai fan. After all this, after the last podcast festival, surely you've got one Thai person who is aware. No locals came to the festival over there. That's weird. It's not weird. We were in a resort. We were in an expensive resort. The staff at the Ozo Chueng were's weird. It's not weird. We were in a resort. We were in an expensive resort.

The staff at the Ozo Chuang were big fans. They were actually. You know what? And you will love this. Did we ever tell you this? No. That because all the listeners of the show were hanging around the bar or quoting bits out of the show and stuff like that,

they taught the bar stuff. They picked this up by themselves. The girls behind the bar didn't speak any English, but they were just saying to each other, riffing. We really left our mark on the island. So good. We'll be back soon. I want you to get the bar.

I want you to have it. I don't. Because I care for you. I'll send you an invoice for all the research I've done so I can prove to my wife that I am going there for legitimate reasons. Right. Well, I guess we've got to wrap this up for another week of the Little Dum Dum Club.

Ben Lomas, Tom Ballard, thank you very much for joining us. Thanks, boys. Things you would like to plug, Ben? Comedy Festival next year, Melbourne. It's called Ben Lomas is in the zoo. What's it about? Shut up. No, it's just my best stand-up, Ben Lomas is in the zoo. What's it about? Shut up.

No, it's just my best stand-up, and it's all centred around it. If I'm not gigging, I'm at the zoo with my daughter. You're at the zoo a lot, aren't you? I'm a lot at the zoo. I love the zoo. So come see the show. It's really good. You can buy tickets at benlomas.com. Look at the hippos make you feel better.

Listen here, back up. I'm sorry. I'm in no position to dish things out. Tom, tonight Lee is back probably around the time roughly people were hearing this. Well, I mean, Carl knows all the details, don't you, Carl? Yes. January the 10th. January 8th.

8th. Yes. At what time? 8 o'clock. 9pm. 9 o'clock. 9 o'clock. On ABC... 1. You fuckhead.

How dare you? You know what the name of the channel is called now, don't you? Oh, the comedy channel. ABC. No. Say it with us. ABC. ABC.

Comedy. Good Lord. No, because I've only got It's ABC. Coyote! Good Lord. No, because I've only got ABC kids on the whole time. Like, I have time to watch television. And if you are in Sydney, you can come along and be part of the live studio audience. It's a wonderful experience. I really, really enjoyed it. Yeah, you might catch Gastro off the warm-up guy.

Free movie tickets. Free movie tickets at every session of Tonightly. Billy will be there. Actually, the only giveaways we have is my old DVDs from 2009, which nobody wants. Like, they are a fucking burden at this point. Hey, give them to me. People at Ninja Warrior will take it.

Well, at least I'll be fucking free for once. What about this? People do come to live shows and see you doing warm-up for TV shows. Request for people that see Ben Lomas warm-up, give him a big question. How do you have sex? When you ask the questions, please ask that. And I have got ten to two hours of material.

On you having sex. Yeah, I've got everything. All I do is crowd work. One of the cameramen said to me... During sex. Hey, what do you do for a living I remember

like even the cameraman when I left on the last day of shoot he goes said look mate all the best maybe see you next year he goes

mate I am so sick of hearing your voice like it was just so over it because you just talk so much

so great but yeah so go see the tonight list yeah you can register for free

you just google and you find it and yeah from January 8th Monday to Thursday recording a brand new show every bloody day come on down

it's good it's good thanks and it's only like 40 minutes unlike other shows I work on which is 10 hours

of hell Jesus short and sweet it's more of an ad for yourself rather than people no no I do some great unlike other shows I work on, which is 10 hours of hell. Jesus. Short and sweet. It's more of an ad for yourself rather than people who come along. No, I do some great riffing. A reminder, January 20th, 10.30am at the NGV, a public screening of the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival doco. And just a week before that, it's the Mirabarra.

Yes, Mirabarra live episode, all that stuff, littledumbdumbclub.com. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you later. Come, come, comedy. Riffing. And we have done it again. Oh, nice. We've done it again.

I thought we'd done it finally for the first time, but you've corrected. No, no. You remember before when we did it. So then now that we've just then, that was us doing it again. Okay. Yeah. Right. That was a repeat.

What do you think was the first time that we did it? Certainly wasn't the first episode of this show, that's for sure. Hey, we're at the back end. We're at the Talking Dumb Dumb. Talking Dumb Dumb. Wrapping up, cooling down. Yeah. Yeah.

Just dissecting the episode we've just done. Good one. And once again. Good one, I thought. We're great and funny people. Wow. The end. The best podcast of 2018?

I think so. Up there so far. I think this will make the year end lists in 12 months time. We'll make the financial end list in 12 months time. We'll make the financial end of year list maybe. More of a chance. Hey,

thanks for listening. If you got all the info up at the top, we are doing all those live shows which is great. If you're close to Mirabar,

Adelaide, Perth, not Perth, sorry, Brisbane or Melbourne or a little island in Southeast Asia called

Koh Samui, please come along, check it out. Go to our website, dumdumclub.com. Go and check that out. Get a ticket. We always love to see a packed house and see you guys and have a chat after the show. Whatever the fuck you want, just come. But yeah, some people have been asking questions about the Melbourne season pass, season ticket, and what that gets you.

What that gets you is discounted entry to all four episodes that we're doing. Plus, people are asking us about the legendary drunk cast, little TM above that word. Now in its sixth year? Oh, wow. Is it? Maybe. So the questions people ask, what's the deal this year?

Do we get guaranteed entry? What happens is, it's a bit like last year, slightly changed. What we're going to do is, if you get a season pass, that means you get preferential treatment. You are at the head of the line to get into the drunk caster. Guaranteed entry. Priority access. Yes.

I believe it's referred to in the industry. Slashed entry. Priority access. Yes. I believe it's referred to in the industry. Slash guaranteed entry. You know, we can, you know, we'll get it full enough that people won't get in or whatever. You've got guaranteed access. If you get the season pass plus, you need to do one more thing, which is slightly different from last year, which is. And I don't think you're going to like it. No.

You have to, it's, how much is it on the door? It's $5. $5, yeah. It's a measly $5 and all that does – It's your idea and then you're having to ask me what it was. I can't remember the number. Five. Let's do five.

All right, let's do five. All right, good idea. All right, all right. Yeah, okay, we'll do that. We'll do that many. That's interesting. Four regular dollars and then one comedy dollar. Right, yes.

So $5 on the door when you get there on the door and that's just to go into the beer slash costume fund. Five dollars suggested donation. Yeah, enforced donation. Let's say that. Yeah, so that's all it is. It's another five bucks on the door if you want to come along to that which we tend to spend way too much money on costumes and stuff.

On a show that's free to get into, yes. Yeah, that's not recorded or anything. So, yeah, that'll just go towards that. Something that we don't really get anything out of it. We don't make money from it. We don't get content out of it. We lose money from it. We lose money from it.

We don't get content out of it. And it kind of ruins our lives for the next week. Yeah, I tend to go to work the next day. Yeah, and those costumes, fucking how much are costumes to hire? I know. So much. So much. So that goes towards that fee, to be quite honest with you.

And then what happens is after that, the people, the old rule was if you get single tickets, you're then allowed to come in after that once all the priority people are in. So that's the same rule again. If there's room for you after all the season pass holders come in, please come in. But it is $10 for you guys. Yeah. That's the rule, right?

Yeah. Cool. We're sorted. Yeah. Yeah. Done. Can't wait to hear people complain about this regime change. Just if you want to complain about any of that stuff

or anything in particular about the podcast, just pretend you've got an automated response, like I'm out of the office that just says, fuck up. We should just set that up on our email. Yeah. Even when we're not out of the house. Yeah. Just automatically you get a fuck up back.

Yeah. I was going to say, oh, that would be bad because what if, you know, important people email. No one's emailing. Yeah. Yeah. So there going to say, oh, that'd be bad because what if, you know, important people email, no one's emailing. Yeah. Yeah. So there you go, guys. Any complaints,

feel free to just fucking walk into the woods and just yell it out into the abyss because we don't want to hear it. Feel free to take a trip to the Japanese suicide forest and let them know over there.

Great reference. Yeah. Is that what it's officially called? Something like that Yeah Okay yeah So all that stuff LittleDumbDumbClub.com

We are also on Patreon And thank you once again Quick Oh quick plugs Like yeah So we're doing We haven't really talked about Our solo shows yet

That we're doing In April In Melbourne So come along Hopefully we might have them On sale by then But Tommy's doing We're actually doing them

In Not at the same time This In 2018 Are we? What do do you mean I think you're doing yours in uh for two weeks and then once you finish I'm doing mine for two weeks I think that's it yeah I'm doing the first two weeks yeah and I'm doing the second two weeks of April or whatever it is yeah so um yeah come along and see your show's called what Leisure Suit Yeah, which definitely tickles me as a title, Leisure Suit Tommy. I enjoy that very much.

So it's about video games and shit. Kind of, yeah. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. My show is called Carl Chandler's Shit List. So no more Mr. Nice Guy. It's me just putting down the foot and really going for things.

So yeah, no employing friends to belittle me anymore. Are you reading off the official blurb? It's me putting down my foot and really going for things. Yeah, yeah. I'm really losing it. Wow. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, taking off the handbrake and I'm, you know, I'm not going to pussyfoot around anymore. If you had to put, how much respect would you say you get? No. Okay. Yeah. I gets no respect. Yeah, so keep an eye on our socials and everything.

We will have them on sale. That's, of course, in Melbourne, which hopefully will make its way around to some capital cities during the year. Yes. So, we now. Oh, and also very quickly. Sorry, one more thing before we get into that bit is just a reminder I mentioned it once a couple of weeks ago, but, yeah, I did bring out my little debut comedy album,

Earth's Greatest Comedian. So there's a link on the website. It's on carltonland.com.au as well. It's $12 for a cracking little recording of a show that I did. So people are enjoying that. I think it comes up pretty well. So get on to it. How's it going on the billboard charts?

It is – what's the number before two? Three. No, the other way. Before two. Yeah. One. Yeah, yeah, that's it. Yeah. It's number one. Before two? Yeah. One? Yeah, yeah, that's it. Yeah.

It's number one. Number one? Yeah, in America. On what chart? In the Cool Cunts. On the Cool Cunts chart? Yeah. Okay, and what's number two?

Who can see down that far? Well, anyone. They print them as ten. Daylight. Daylight second. Okay. And then other people third and fourth and fifth and so on. Well, for banter of this quality, CarlChadler.com.au.

So, may I get into the Patreon? Let me have a quick think of anything else I can interrupt you with. Let's see. T-shirts. Go and get some T-shirts. Yep. They continue to move along beautifully. Yep. So, go and grab a T-shirts. Go and get some T-shirts. Yep. They continue to move along beautifully. Yep.

So go and grab a T-shirt. We had a little special off on to get the last of the 0438 shirts. You know what? This is what we're going to move. Singlets. It's summer. We've got plenty of the dum-dum singlets. They look great.

Yeah, they look great. It's summer in the place where most people listen. Grab yourself a singlet. It's a Thailand-themed one. You can still wear it where you are. Or if you're planning to go to Koh Samui in June, the beautiful festival that we may have mentioned is coming up, you can wear it there.

It's especially welcome there. But you can wear it around here as well. They're pretty cheap. Go to the website. And we've still got plenty of sizes left, so go and grab one. Yep, great. Okay, so Patreon, thank you to everyone who subscribes and supports the show through that way.

It is greatly appreciated here at HQ. You get bonus content like a magazine that we put together. You get a bonus episode that we do every month and as part of it, we read your name out in the back end of the show and we pontificate on all sorts of things for between 20 minutes and about three and a half hours it sometimes feels like. You're welcome. Yeah, let's do that.

Let's do that. And as tradition goes, I will just hit the big button here on the random name generator to find out out of all, it scans through all the Patreon subscribers that we have and very randomly pulls out a couple. Okay, sure. So let's start the old engine up here. The first one for 2018.

Wow, this is exciting. Yeah. Don't you think? Yeah. Yeah, we've never been part of 2018 before. Yeah, we've never read a Patreon name out in 2018. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, this could go into the Guinness Book of Records. It should. The Patreon Book of Records. Yes. All right, let's start this up. Bang. And we're off. Here we go.

That was quite quick. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Alex Dixon. Yes, Tommy? Alex is pretty funny, isn't it? Could be a boy or a girl. Yeah? What do you think it is? I reckon a boy.

Because the word dick is in the surname. The word what? Dick. So what does that mean? The word dick. Yeah. So what does that mean? The word dick. Yeah. Male genitalia. Oh, you think that's exclusive to males, do you?

Yeah, if it was Alex Pussyson, then I'd be speculating that this was a female. Okay, right. Well, you'll be happy when Alex Mutsen comes up later on in the episode. You'll be able to make a big old call about that one. Yeah, I will be happy. Not that that's guaranteed to come up because this is all random, obviously. It is random, yeah. Alex Dixon is from Bendigo.

I know that because I've got the full details of them. Ah, okay. You haven't met him? Yes. You've met him? Yep. Nice. At a gig.

What's he like? He's all right. He's your typical Your typical dumb dumb fan Who's very keen to come along And support whilst Belittling me and Insulting me and whatever So

And then I like this guy even more now Yeah Yeah Well You know what it's like You cop it as well I don't cop it as much

Yeah You invite it I've I can't say I invite it I think I attract it I don't think I invite it You I think I attract it. I don't think I invite it. I'm more than happy to throw your material out the window and get into it with people in the crowd, though.

Yeah, totally. And the other thing about Alex is Alex is part of the higher echelon of subscribers, contributors. So getting the full red carpet treatment. Maybe we should include a bit more of a red carpet treatment for the higher echelon. That's interesting. But what do they want? Here's the thing.

If you pay extra, some people really want to get ragged, but should we be complimenting those people? Which way should we go? Maybe they get to choose. Yeah, maybe. Okay. Maybe we should give them a bit of both then. All right.

So, Alex, let's give them a quick positive one. Okay. We live in Bendigo, which is part of the Golden Triangle. Yep. Part of Mirabar, Bendigo and Ballarat. Yep. So, you know, beautiful part of the world if you like meth. Maybe he does like meth.

Yeah. And, you know, maybe 2018 can be the year that he kicks the meth habit. And I don't reckon he's on meth if he's giving us money. You don't have a lot of spare money if you're on that. There's a nice compliment we've paid him. Maybe it's like you get all charged up and, you know, it's just that overconfidence of, like, I'm going to give these guys all my fucking money.

Maybe he's high when it comes out of his account every month. Yeah. He doesn't notice because he's off his guts. So just to reinforce, this is the positive part of the breed. Yeah, it's good. Right. Okay. Can't wait to see the negative side.

Oh, we've got to do a negative side? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. Well, imagine what if he's not on meth. Fucking commit to something, idiot. Well, imagine if you are what your name is and he dicks his son this is the bad thing thanks alex thanks alex uh thank you to patreon subscriber alicia wait where's this name coming from oh from the well again i don't do i

have to say every time theater It's theatre of the mind. I think people want to know what's going... People are interested in this stuff. Well, people that didn't... I didn't explain it, but I did hit the button again on random name generator and it spat out a new name and here's the new name. Great. Thank you.

Thank you too. Patron subscriber, Alicia Barodine. Ah, yes. Familiar name on the socials. Repeat offender on the socials. Repeat offender. Yeah. Who's offended?

In her ears. In our ears or her ears? Well, I mean, she's listening to the show, so it's in her ears. Oh, remember last week when I predicted how old the guy was going to be and whether he was at school and stuff like that? Oh, yeah. I got it right. He hit me up on the socials and I actually got it right.

Oh, really? Yeah. Right. So should we predict Alicia's life as well? Oh, for some reason it feels a lot riskier when it's a lady. I don't think it's that. What could go wrong? Alicia, I think you are a lady of the night.

70 kilos. I would go 130. I'll go 130. Age or weight? Yes. I predict this lady is 130 years old and listens to our podcast. 130-year-old woman who weighs 130 kilos. Yeah.

Imagine that. That's a real effort to get quite old and really fat. As your body is decaying, it's somehow still staying that. That's some actual work to be 100 and fat, don't you think? Can you be a fat 100-year-old? Yeah, what's the fattest oldest person? Can you be 100 but be too fat to get to the mailbox to get your telegram from the Queen?

Your telegram from the Queen just says, lay off the Tim Tams you fat cunt. So I presume that's exactly what Alicia is. Well, thanks, Alicia. Yeah, thanks for being so fat and so old. Barodine. Yeah, what a name. We didn't even do anything with that.

Oh, well, next time. Better luck next time, Alicia. Maybe in the next 100 years when you're 200. Thank you to Patreon subscriber and another upper echelon, top tier subscriber. Real Daddy Warbucks shit this week. Totally. This is a gold plated.

The Rockefellers. Yeah, this is a few people who have recently got T-shirts as part of the upper echelon. They've got T-shirts sent out to them, free little T-shirts. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Fiona Muddit. Muddit. That's the surname. M-U-D-D-I-T-T.

Oh, Muddit. Muddit. Muddit. Yeah. What do you think about that? Is there any positive? Can you find a positive in there? I'm trying.

Muddit. Same name as Fiona O'Loughlin, a good friend of ours. Oh, yeah? That's about it. Yep. A very chronic alcoholic that we know. You share a name with her. Yeah.

That's sort of really tried to ruin her career over and over. Yeah. I don't know that she's deliberately tried to ruin her career. It's an unfortunate side effect of chronic alcoholism. I don't think it's an accident. She didn't fall over and two gallons of vodka went down her throat. Yeah, but I don't think it's an accident. She didn't fall over and two gallons of vodka went down her throat. Yeah, but I don't think she's going, this will finally fuck up my career just how I wanted it.

Well, I don't know. I'm not ruling it out. And this is Fiona Muddett's fault as well somehow? Is that what we're speculating here? Well, everyone's the same with that name. That's how I take it. Muddett. Muddett.

What would you have, if you went to school with a Muddett, what would you have dished out? Well, everyone's the same with that name. That's how I take it. Mud It. Mud It. What would you have – if you went to school with a Mud It, what would you have dished out? Mudsy. Wouldn't it have gone harder? Like what? I don't know. That's why I'm asking.

What would you have gone? Surely if you've got a classmate with the name Mud in the surname, you'd have been trying to cook something up. Okay, you're the maestro at this kind of stuff. What have you got? Yeah, I don't know. It's not so easy, is it? No, no, no. Muncie's starting to look pretty good, isn't it?

I wish I'd come up with it now. It's like, well, you've got a bit of, you know, when people say, oh, my name's Mud now. Her name's Mud. Mud it. When people say my name's Mud now. Her name's Mud. Mud It. When people say my name's Mud now. Your name is Mud. Oh, yeah, okay.

That sort of thing. Right. People don't typically say it about themselves. Yeah, yeah, it's fair. It's fair. My name is Mud. Yeah. My name is Mud.

Like in frustration, oh, now my name is Mud. Yeah. It. Fiona Mud It. Mud It. I tell you what, it's a very inspirational way of wanting to get married. Finding a groom. Get rid of a name like that.

Hey, but then again that's right, they're giving us quite a bit of money. So, it's a great name. Find Johnny Shitheap. Fall in love. Take his beautiful, beautiful name. And then hyphenate it Fiona muddit

shit heap Fiona muddit shit heap and then have your first son fuckhead fuckhead muddit

shit heap yeah and then you're that kid with that name fuckhead mudditded, shit heap, and you just walk into school. Muddy.

You walk into school your first day and go, what do you got? Do your worst. Honestly, do your worst. Anything you can think of to call me is going to be nicer than my actual name. Yes, and it's overwhelming. Yeah. When you're at school, if a kid had walked in with that name, you would have had a stroke.

You wouldn't have been able to handle it. Yeah. Well, my job's already done here. What are you? All right. I have to move on to. Fuck it. Mud at chief.

Oh, wonderful. Yeah. And thank you. Nice to see we're taking especially good care of our upper echelon subscribers. This is what they want. We think this is what they want. We think you want. So if you didn't want this, we're really sorry.

Thanks, Fiona. Yeah. Thanks, Fiona. All right. Let's do at least let's do one to three more what do you think okay

yeah any anywhere in that range yep alright so and next one

look now this is behind the scenes on the oh I love it how the you like this you like this of course I've hit the button already

yes yes thank you thank you random name generator um now what tends to happen is i i set i have a little filter on the machine right and i tend to try and get them uh get the names uh you know if someone's been subscribed for quite a while i try and build i try and compute that into it as a bit of preference yeah you and people should know it takes between four and six hours

for you to put that coding in. You've got to do it all manually. It's like HTML. There's no way around it. Yeah, I hope in the future there's an easier way of doing things. Somewhere between four and six hours. Let's say five hours. Yeah, right.

Let's say five. Sometimes. Not all the time. Not every week. Frequently it takes five hours. Sometimes it does. Yep. The default is five hours.

Yeah. Sometimes it blows out. Yep. So the people who sort of scream at us and go, oh, I subscribed yesterday and I still haven't been read out. Look, toots. Not quite how it happens. Toots?

Yeah. So no men do this? No, no, no. That's in answer to an actual person called toots. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Toots comedy. Could be, for example.

So, that's generally how it works, right? So, don't expect it straight away. However, this one has slipped through the net. It's just come up. It's a very, very, very recent subscriber. It's our number four one this week. Okay. And some people have accused us of making names up and stuff.

We've proved beyond all doubt that that's not true. Absolutely not the case. Yeah. We've had forensics in. We've had the FCC in. We've had the high court in. The inquest was gruelling. It was gloves up our ass.

There was no need for that at all. Getting dragged up before a Royal Commission. It took its toll, but we beat all the charges. Full rectal searches. Seems, I don't know how that's relevant. Well, I requested it. Okay, right. Yeah.

They didn't do that. That was me. So, yeah. But this one slipped through. So, this is a very, very recent. And like I said, a genuine. Full transparency. You've got to disclose this to the shareholders yes totally so welcome patreon subscriber will anderson oh very nice now just throwing us a few crumbs from the table Very very nice What does he put in?

Oh look I'm not gonna We don't have to have that full disclosure do we? Oh I mean if it's a funny number I mean he listens to this So I'd like to think he's chipped in the full $69 a month Well to be fair we don't have a setting on $69 so No but anyway he's subscribed Absolutely no need.

It's almost, look, appreciated. We're all friends. You don't need to do that. It's almost a little bit insulting. He's a fan. I know, I know. He is. He does... Who's the comedians that genuinely actually listen

to the show? That listen every week? Yes. Josh Earle. Yes. Josh Earle. Yes. Josh Earle listens every week. Will does. Will listens. Ballard listens every week. Dilruch.

Dilruch. Nick Cody. Cody, yep. I think Capa listens a fair bit. Nick Capa. Brett Blake. Brett Blakey, yep. I think that may be just about it.

Do we say Lomas? Does Lomas? Lomas listens. Lomas does? Yep. Okay. I swear there's a couple more. I think there'd be a few more in there.

Yeah, maybe. Maybe. I think Chaz from The Chase he used to. I think he's dropped off. Okay. Fair enough. Yeah, I think that might be it. So Will is definitely one of those people that genuinely listens.

So much appreciated, Will, but no need. But it's weird to get money from a friend, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, look, it's nice. And a guest, someone who comes and does the show. Yes. You seem really torn by it. I'm a bit weirded out by it.

Do you have some insight? Is Will not doing too well? Are you feeling guilty about this? No, no, no. No, I've just realised. Actually, he's doing breakfast radio now. He's okay. Yeah, yeah.

No, you're right. I've got to get over this. So what's he – yeah, I don't want to out him, but what sort of bonus content is he getting? Has he signed up for one of the ones where you get extra stuff? Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

That's cool. Yeah. We'll have to stop slagging him off in the magazine every month then. Yeah. We'll have to really change the name of the Will Anderson Fuck You Times. So I guess we've got to – I mean, look, we can't – we've got to be impartial here. You know, we've done some pretty horrendous stuff

with other people's names. I guess we have to do this. We have to give this guy, whoever he is, we have to give this guy the same treatment. This might not be the real one. It might not be the actual guy. You know what? If he spelt it with two L's, that's the dead giveaway. I literally have not looked up.

I have not looked it up to see if that's actually the real one or not. I will do that right now. That's a very good point because you can just call yourself whatever the fuck you want on this thing. Fuck. I'm going to follow that up right now. Okay, double check. All right. Double check.

No, I can't really. All we need is for you to look up the details and then for Will to provide us a birth certificate. Yep. And then all this will go away. Oh, no. It looks like he's. Yep. No, he's doing it.

It is actually him? Yeah. Oh, no. It looks like he's... Yep. No, he's doing it. It is actually him? Yeah. I think so. What information have you got? Email address? No. It just looks like he is subscribing to... Yeah, it just checks out.

I think it just looks like... Checks out. Yep. Okay. Yep. Yep. He's... Your computer doesn't appear to be turned on. No. Okay. Yep. Yep. He's, um, your computer doesn't appear

to be turned on. No, I am just, I've just rung him and I'm on the phone on the other

line to him and he said yes. So, no, this is how fresh it is. This is why

I'm saying it's, it's hot off the presses. I'm just looking at it says he's

been your patron for five hours now. Okay. I think it's five hours now. Okay. I think it's the real deal. Okay. Well, that's exciting.

Either that or it's very funny if someone's made up an account, called themselves that and then subscribed to us. But can't you get in and see the email address that it's coming from? Not at the moment. Okay. No. If it's that new, I can't get that information quite yet. Wow.

Yeah. Well, we need verification of this. Yeah. Hit us up on social media. And hey, you know what? Even if it's not you, you can just take the credit. Yeah. Someone else is out there doing good deeds in your name.

Yeah, yeah. You can take the credit for, yeah. Oh, God. Yeah, let us know. Let us know if this is you, Will. And you know what? It's really made me think some of our other, you know, guests that listen, where's their fucking subscription, you know?

Well, I mean, you know, not everyone is in the same financial position as Will. Why isn't Hughsey chipping in? That's what I want to know. Why isn't Kappa chipping in? He does breakfast radio on Triple R sometimes. Very good point. Yeah. All right.

Thanks, Will. Do we want to go into his name? Do we want to lambast him? No, I think we're done. Okay. I think we're okay. Thanks, Will. I'm too scared of Will to get stuck in. It means a lot, Will. Yeah. Appreciate it. Thank you. There's some people I don't mess done. Okay. I think we're okay. Thanks, Will. I'm too scared of Will to get stuck in.

Means a lot, Will. Yeah. Appreciate it. Thank you. There's some people I don't mess with too much, Will and Gleeson, because they're too good at getting you back. That's fair. That's a good point.

So I'm happy to just leave them alone. Don't poke the bear. All right. Well, we've sort of, you know, that sort of spun me a little bit. So I was going to do another three, but we've sort of run out of time now. That's okay. You've worn yourself out. That's all right.

We can just stop at whatever number this is. Okay. All right. I haven't kept track, but we'll stop now. Me either. All right. One more. Let's give the old button a press and bang.

Right. Here we go. So, thank you to Patreon subscriber. Thank you to Donald J Comedy. Right, Donald J Comedy. Yeah. Do we have any other information? We've got the amount of money that we've got from them. The amount of money.

Okay. I'd love to hear that. Yep. We have got – let me just check. I've got a different screen for some reason. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a very good reason. But I'll – here we go.

They're subscribing 69 rubles. 69 rubles? Yeah. What's that? It's like Russian. It's Russian? Yeah. Oh, okay.

Yeah, so this guy must be somehow Russian affiliated or something. Oh, so that's what you were doing? Yeah. You were looking up what rubles – No. Where rubles are from? No. I mean, sure.

No, I mean, that checks out. You see rubles. You didn't know what country they were from. Yes. That's what I meant in hindsight. Yes. Yeah. So we've got – yeah.

And the only thing that's got written beside his name is this is money to go towards building a wall to keep Dilruch out. Okay. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Right. Yeah. So that's all the information that we have. Out of this podcast.

Yeah. So this guy's only going to subscribe. He's going to subscribe to us as long as we keep Dilruch out of this podcast. Right. Okay. So ties to Russia. Mm-hmm. Wanting to build a wall.

These are kind of similar things to Donald J. Trump, the President of the United States of America. I don't keep up with politics. Yeah. Right. I don't know. I'll take your lead on this. This seems too good to be true.

You know what this sounds like? I don't think it seems too good at all. You know what this sounds like to me? What? Fake comedy. Well, I'm on board with that. I completely agree with that. You know what I think you've been doing instead of working on this Patreon segment?

What? I reckon you've been out playing golf non-stop. When you should be at the computer working on this segment. Yeah, I really wish we got our old Patreon subscriber Obama comedy back because that would have been a lot better than than this person this segment would have gone a lot better if we had had Obama back

I reckon Bernie Comedy would have been oh really Bernie Comedy would have won hey well

I don't know about that I mean personally I voted for Hillary Comedy to be in this section but I was I was voted voted out

I voted to lock her up in comedy jail. Thanks, Don. Thanks, Donald. Thanks to the Donald J. Comedy in making our Patreon great again. Maybe he's got a lot of influence. Maybe we could get a Vladimir comedy. Haven't we already done something like that? Maybe.

We had a Transylvanian comedy. Did we? Mm. Well, thanks, Donald. Thanks, Donald. Really appreciate it. And thanks, Will. Thanks, Alicia.

Thanks. God damn it. I've forgotten. Fiona. Fiona. And Alex. Alex of Bendigo. Alex of Bendigo. Alex of Bendigo.

Yeah. Thanks, everyone, who chips in on Patreon. We really appreciate it. It is wonderful that you guys continue to support the show. Please feel free to do so, patreon.com slash littledumbdumbclub, or at our website, littledumbdumbclub.com, or buy a T-shirt, come to a live show. All of these things help keep the show chugging along quite nicely

and hit the socials we're on Twitter Instagram Facebook we've got our little private Facebook group that a bunch of thousand people

are in there chatting away every day wasting our lives nattering away if you've got any questions about for example

you know there's still plenty of people deciding there's six months out from the Coastal Movie Podcast Festival if you've got any

questions any fears any queries like that, hit us up. There's heaps and heaps of people booked in already. It's quite remarkable how many people are coming already. Yeah, it's currently, that Facebook group, a great way to find out what all our listeners are doing each night. Yeah.

I don't know if that's a great ad, but yeah. But yeah, like I said, plenty of time for Costa Mui. So let us know if you've got any queries. A lot of people are coming by themselves or with their families, unbelievably. But, yeah, if you need someone to meet up with, to share a room with or to feel a bit more secure that there's going to be other single people there, get in the group. Maybe you'll find love. Yeah.

Who knows? Wow. What if we get a dum-dum marriage out of it? You know what? That's my dream for this podcast. Yeah. Who knows? Wow. What if we get a dumb, dumb marriage out of it? You know what? That's my dream for this podcast. We've talked about this before. I want to know if anyone's hooked up because of this show, either through meeting at a live gig.

I know plenty of our guests have hooked up with listeners of the show, so that's something. That doesn't quite count, though. Right. Okay. I think it counts more than anything. It interests me anyway. It's a good ad for getting new people to come on the shows. That's something. That doesn't quite count, though. Right. Okay. I think it counts more than anything. It interests me, anyway. It's a good ad for getting new people to come on the show.

That's for sure. Yeah. Fuck. Well, maybe that's part of it. I was going to say to you, what's our resolutions for this year, Tommy? We've had such a great 2017. I know. We really did, didn't we?

We did Koh Samui Podcast Festival, which, sure, we're doing it again, but to do it for the first time is pretty ridiculous. Yeah. We did the Sydney Opera House. We did Just for Laughs in Montreal, which is a very, very prestigious thing to do, to go over to Canada and do that. And we did the gigs in New York and LA. And then we did our biggest ever show at the Croxton.

Yeah. Did we do anything else? You know, we just continued to pump out great content. We made a cool little documentary over in Koh Samui, which is something we hadn't done before, which is much fun, thanks to Jackson at Transfer Media. How do you go with stuff like this? Because I find it very intimidating when good things happen

because it's a little bit like what if this is as good as it gets? Do you know what I mean? You have a great year like this and it's like, okay, well what do you do next to not plateau? Well, I mean that's I think partly, you know, that's where these bar ideas come from to start with. That's going to make life better you think? No one's done it before.

Sure. Yeah, that's something. I mean, you know, you could look at anything like that. The first guy that climbed Everest, you'd go, is that good? You just got really cold and fucking nearly killed yourself. Wow, I think it's a stretch to say that owning a bar in Thailand is climbing Everest. I don't

think at all. I think that's completely fair. Yeah, I think if anything, owning a bar in Thailand is better. Because then you get a bar. What do you get if you climb the top of a mountain? Fuck all. Well, I mean, you get the lifetime of people knowing that you're the first one to do it. Yeah, or you get a heap of people going, cool, you own a bar.

I want to come to your bar. Can I have a free drink? Well, that's not as good. But there's literally nothing you get out of climbing a mountain. Nothing physical apart from getting your toes fucking frozen off. So that's it. What this is really adding is you have a very bizarre idea of these kinds of feats.

What I am proposing is if we own a bar in Thailand, our names replace Edmund Hillary in history. Great. That's what I'm saying. I'm down with that. Okay. If we can make that happen, that'll be hard to top. No one give any more respect to that guy and look up to us instead.

Okay. Cool. I want us in some sort of record book somewhere. I want us, I want finally to have my own Wikipedia page, which you've had for years and I fucking don't have one. Yep. Yep. So maybe this is the thing that will get me a Wikipedia page.

Maybe that's the thing for 2018. Yeah. Yeah. There's a goal of mine. Yeah. Okay. I want a Wikipedia page. 2018 is the year of you getting a Wikipedia page. This is a pretty low set goal.

Sure. That's on my list. I know we're dragging on a bit now, but let's go. I'll name five things quickly. Okay. Five goals. Wikipedia page. Mm-hmm.

Bar in Thailand. Mm-hmm. No, it's still coming. Do five. Do five. Yeah, the five. The Copenhagen, the Koh Samui Podcast Festival Roadshow gig in Copenhagen. Yep.

So that's the third one. Yep. I want to do, what else? An even bigger, break our record from this year, from 2017, make an even bigger show. 400 is coming up in 2018. 400 might even be when we're in Costa Mili, isn't it? It's like right before.

Right before. I think so. Right. Okay. It's doable. Yeah, yeah, right. But we can always do the live show early and hold on to it. Yep.

All right. So there's one. Number five, get Sean McAuliffe to learn your name. Look, let's do realistic ones. You know what? I want to get a major sponsor for the Coastal Movie Podcast Festival. Yeah. So there's five.

Those are good ones. Yeah. Yeah. What about you? Same. Just the same? Yeah. I want you to have a Wikipedia page so I can stop hearing about it.

Oh, right. Oh, nice. Thank you. Thanks for your well wishes. Yeah, I don't know. I just like this year has been so fun getting to go and see parts of the world that I've never seen before and do comedy there. And it's exciting.

Pardon? Adelaide? Oh, I thought you said and get laid. No. What is this? Is that Pardon? Adelaide? Oh, I thought you said and get laid. No. What is this? Is that true? What is this? Yeah, I mean, to be honest, like all the stuff that we did this year,

in 2017 I should say, were all things that you could never have predicted at the start of the year. Yeah. So I don't really – I think the minute you start going like, oh, this or this or this, it's like the best things that, for me personally, the best things that happen, they're going to be the ones that catch you by surprise and come out of nowhere. But you've got to aim for stuff.

You've got to make stuff happen. Like, Koh Samui didn't happen by accident. We made it happen. It kind of did. No, they didn't. Again, as we know, we're the directors of the festival. We made it happen. No one poached us to do it.

Yeah. We tripped and fell into Thailand. Yeah. Yeah. Well, look, you know, in 2018, well, there's a quick little thing that's happening already that's exciting is Meribah. We haven't done that before. So that's something new and different.

That's something new. Always keen to do something new and different. Yeah. Keen to, you know what, how about this for another aim? We go somewhere else in Australia for the first time and do a live show. Yeah. Well, I've been thinking, like, you know, where else overseas could we go? Like, I know it's a live show. Yeah. Well, I've been thinking like, you know, where else overseas could we go? Like I know it's a big ask.

I don't think we've got an overseas trip in us. Do we this year? I don't know. I don't know. It's a hard one. The thing that this year taught me is like, yeah, the unexpected is what is the most exciting. And I think that's what caught you off guard about me being so into the idea

of getting a bar because this year has shown something dumb coming up. Like why not just say yes to it? Like why not just do it? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, there's a sixth one. I know that's breaking the rules, my self-imposed rules,

but there's a sixth one. We'll go somewhere in Australia that we haven't done a live show before. Yes. So we're doing Mirabar already, but we'll find another place. Yeah. You know what? Maybe this is the thing where the listeners can hit us up and people do this already, but people can make a proper case

maybe to replace, who knows, replace a city that we normally go to that maybe we're quite frustrated with. Nice. And we don't want to go back there again. Okay. I'll put a goal on the table for this show for this year. Okay. For you and I to do something like, yes,

we've had a lot of good stuff in 2017, but it is still all just in, it's still all in our realm and it's still kind of stuff that we're kind of making happen ourselves. For us to get, do something legitimate in the media that is, you know, outside of this podcast. Be on a TV show or a radio, something. Something, do you know what I mean?

Something that's someone from the outside looking at this and going, boy, these guys seem to have a bit of success. Something that our mum and dads would understand. Yes, exactly. Right. I think it's high time. Would you not agree? Sure, sure.

But, you know, I like to impose things that we can control ourselves. Yeah. Because, you know, there's no use us – we've done a lot better for ourselves inventing things for ourselves than sitting around waiting for someone to knock on the door. I agree. Yeah. But, God, it would be nice just once to hear a little rat-tat-tat on that door.

Yeah, look, that'd be the dream rather than a goal because I can't control that. Sure. But sure, look, that's an aim, that's a dream for 2018. Well, I'm doing the secret. I'm putting it out into the universe. I'm saying it publicly. Yes. Hey, hot scoop, we want to be on TV.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just we're the ones. We're the ones with that goal now. Yes. Hey, hot scoop. We want to be on TV. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just we're the ones. We're the ones with that goal now. Yes. Yeah, so James Packer, we know you listen. If you want to bring back Australia's dirtiest home videos and you need two hosts, look no further than Kyle and Jackie O, but then we can do the summer series.

What about that? Yeah. All right. Some big goals for 2018 and, yeah, we are in the new year. What about that? Yeah. All right. Some big goals for 2018. And, yeah, we are in the new year now when people are hearing this. Thank you to everyone who supported us in any way in 2017. Yeah. If you made a show, if you left a nice review on iTunes,

if you recommended it to a friend, if you sent us a nice email or a tweet to say that you enjoy the show, it all counts, it all helps, and it is all greatly appreciated because without you guys listening and contributing each week the show is nothing and would probably not exist anymore. Thank you and we hope to keep working harder and harder this year

to make more, better, bigger funnier content. Our goal each week is to just make the show funnier and funnier for you guys to make the best possible thing we can. And you know to make things interesting and do a few different things here and there. So we really pushed it in 2017. Hopefully we can get to those standards in 2018 as well.

Who could have predicted at the start of the year that the year would end with us buying a bar in Thailand? Well, actually, probably anyone who's met you for more than five minutes. Well, I don't think I've ever had anything like that in me, but I think, you know, buying a bar is pretty different even for me, I reckon. But anyway, look, it's not locked in. I'm doing my best. All right.

Thanks, guys. I hope you enjoyed this week's episode and we'll see you next time. See you, mates.