The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 379 - Celia Pacquola & Nazeem Hussain

Episode Date: January 9, 2018

This week we're joined by the always reliable CELIA PACQUOLA and the on-time-for-the-first-time NAZEEM HUSSAIN! We talk about Nazeem's shiny new teeth, convert to Islam, clear up some residual tension over the guest list of Karl's wedding and we watch a cat jump off a table! Click HERE to download the MP3Don't forget, we have a bunch of huge live shows coming up:MARYBOROUGH: Is this the worst idea ever? Let's find out! We're doing a live show in Karl's hometown. JANUARY 13.BRISBANE: We're coming back for an afternoon of huge live podcasts! MARCH 10.ADELAIDE: God help us, we're coming back. Don't make us regret it. MARCH 17MELBOURNE: We've got a month of awesome live shows happening for the month of APRIL. KOH SAMUI: The Koh Samui International Podcast Festival is happening again in 2018 with guests The Dollop! JUNE 13 - 18. For tickets, merchandise, links to our Patreon and heaps of other stuff, head to our website: littledumdumclub.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbecasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with Celia Paquola and, God willing, Nazeem Hussain. But before we record that episode with those two, we have to let you... I've just texted him to remind him, by the way. This is this rare treat where we're back to doing the ads before we've recorded the episode. Oh, who knows what the next hour is going to be like. So what have we got coming up, Tommy Daslow?

We've got the Chando Hometown Show coming up immediately if you're listening to this hot off the presses. You may as well just get in your car and leave straight away. No matter what time you're listening to it, don't even wait for the date. Just hop in the car, load it up with petrol and fuck off. Yeah, just put your car at the place that smells shit and head on down the date. Just hop in the car, load it up with petrol and fuck off. Yeah, just go to – put your car at the place that smells shit and head on down the highway. Get on the Spirit of Tasmania, head down to Launceston and stay as far away as possible as you can from what we're going to be doing in Maryborough.

If you're from Melbourne, head over the West Gate and then regret actually making it over the other side and getting to Maryborough instead. So it is January 13th, Saturday night, 7pm at the Violence Society slash Highland Society as its slave name is. Get on down there. It's going to be heaps of fun. We're going to hang out afterwards. Heaps of fun.

So that's Maribor. Then what? Then we go to Adelaide. No, we go to Brisbane first. March the 10th, Saturday, March the 10th. Two live podcasts back to back. Heaps of special guests in town for that one. That is going to be a lot of fun.

Brisbane, you guys always absolutely turn up, and it's always a great fun show up there. In contrast to what? Well, the next week, March the 17th in Adelaide. That is going to be fun? Yeah. Question mark? Hypothetically.

We're going to have fun on stage. Yeah, we're going to have fun. I'll probably watch a good movie on the plane, that'll be cool yes, a Saturday afternoon at the Rhino Room it is going to be a great show, again heaps of special guests in town, two live podcasts

back to back, Adelaide and Brisbane you're getting some super super guests so come along to that one, I'm really only talking to you Brisbane I've given up on the fucking other place, I'm not even going to say it's name anymore, again while I'm still playing good cop, come on Adelaide. Don't make a fool out of me. Don't make this guy get the phone book out and start beating you with it so that it doesn't leave any bruises.

Who are you even talking about? Adelaide. Who? I'm not even hearing anything. Adelaide. Why won't you say a word? Is this like a Black Mirror thing where you've got a chip put in your head so that when I say the word Adelaide, it's just like a dog whistle? Here's a Black Mirror episode. People turning up to a fucking show in Adelaide. Wow, what a dystopia.

And then the month of April in Melbourne, us doing every Sunday afternoon. April 1, April 8, April 15, April 22. They've done it again four times. Those are always super fun. You guys know the drill by now. We've been doing those for what, six years or something? Yeah. Always super, super great guests, super fun times.

So come down, check that out. There is a season pass that you can get if you want to save a bit of money. Yep, yep. And then there's the drunk cast coming up at the end of the run on the 25th. Yes. And then in June, June 13 to 18, the 22nd I should say. April 22nd

is the drunk cast. Oh, okay. Sorry. June 13 to 18 the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival for 2018 it's us plus the Dollop live podcast

live stand up all sorts of bullshit wow I mean I've been talking to the Ozo lately and they sent me numbers this morning it's fucking

very big already right it's very big that's cool yeah yeah it's gonna be huge enough about your cock from hearing the word Thailand.

What the hell are the numbers going? I didn't ask. I didn't think to ask. So you've emailed the Osojuang smoothie to go, quick question. How big is my dick right now? And the guy in Thailand says, it's actually nudging me in the back. Wow, so it's done.

Look, I can't even be bothered to work out that distance. But that is, look, I'm going to say this. That's impressive. Yeah, if it got on a plane, it would be going for nine hours. That's how excited I am. Yeah. So that is going to be heaps of fun. You can find all the details if you are interested in coming on a little holiday

with your favourite podcasts. It is littledumbdumbclub.com slash kosamui is the direct way to find out all the right things that you have to do, how to book your accom, how to get a ticket. Follow the instructions on there and you are guaranteed a fucking ripper time. Yeah, or just go to the main page and find out all the ticket sales, all the tickets are there available on littledumbdumbclub.com plus all the t-shirts, all that sort of stuff. But let's crack into this episode that we are hypothetically going to record right now.

Yeah, let's wait three hours for Nazeem to turn up and then start recording this episode. Yep. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo and as always, sitting next to me is the other half of the program, Carl Chandler.

G'day, dickhead. Much to my chagrin, once again, we are doing this at your house with your cat that I am allergic to. Yes. But for the first time, I've brought with me me fucking allergy tablets. Oh, anti-fuckhead drugs. Yes, the anti-fuckhead, fast-acting anti-fuckhead drug. Great.

They do make me a drowsy fuckhead, though. Oh, really? So I'm going to put these. This is They do make me a drowsy fuckhead though. Oh, really? So I'm going to put these. This is in case of emergency. Break open the Telfast. Well, just have one now. No, but I want to. Because they make you tired.

Have one every 10 minutes and we'll see what happens by the end of the episode. All right. Should I have one now? Yeah, totally. Oh, no, they say non-drowsy. But should I just have one now anyway? Well, who cares if they're not drowsy? Should I tease it out?

If there's no consequence, why have one? they if i start to feel the the effects of your cat coming on i was thinking i can take one and we can just sort of listen to the effects live on air okay and maybe some maybe some pharmacist who listens to this will get something out of it great i'm just i've just tuned out because it's like as soon as you said not drowsy i don't care anymore i just want you to be fucked by the end of the podcast. Yeah, all right. Well, next time we do one here, I'll get some drowsy ones. I'll just get some Valium next time we record here.

Can you mix alcohol with it and somehow that'll fuck you up? Oh, okay. Does it say mix with alcohol? Well, hang on. It says keep out of reach of children, so straight away you should be probably putting that away. If you're pregnant or breastfeeding, check with your doctor or pharmacist before using this medicine.

Are you? Well, let's find out. Right, okay. Let's welcome our guests onto the show today. Two favourites of ours. First of all, from Rosehaven, it's Celia Paquola. Hello. And secondly, from not knowing how to properly talk into a microphone,

it's Nazeem. Hello. Hello. Can I ask, is there anything that Kyle's allergic to that you could get in your house, Tommy, for when you record at your place? Twelve months ago, you could have put marriage in there. I'll bring your brother in one day. That'll set you off.

Is there tablets for that? Hey, look, silly picot, always good to have a guest in. That came to my wedding and brought a present. Thank you. Yes, I did. You're not on the list. On the list, yeah. On the list of people who didn't bring a present.

Oh, I see. Okay, right. Yeah, yeah. There was like a, what was it, 12 people. 12 people, yeah. 12 people who didn't bring a present. Yeah. That came along and didn't bring a present.

What? You are not one of them. And equally cool to bring this up in front of someone who wasn't invited. Who wasn't invited and didn't give you a present. Can I guess one of them? Totally. Who didn't give you a present? Totally. Do I of them? Totally. Who didn't give you a present? Totally.

Do I know it? You know, well, you were at the wedding, so you know all the people at the wedding. They're all comedians. 12 comedians, sorry. Really? Yeah. Fuck, what a pack of...

Are you surprised that it's that small of a number? There were 12 comedians that didn't give you a present. That's crazy. That's so horrible. How much did it cost per head? Oh, I don't know. It was heaps. It was actually pretty expensive.

I mean. It was great, Nazeem. You would have loved it. Sounds really cool. Did everyone have a good time? Yeah. He would have been a cheap guest too because he doesn't drink. Why didn't this guy get an invite?

So there were lots of comedians, huh? You know what? You know, I did. We're all talking about you. He goes, two of our favorite guests on the podcast. You're married. I was going to the podcast. You're married. You're married. We haven't had a wedding yet.

We've just had little vows with just our family. I thought, you know what? When the wedding happens, I'm going to invite everyone that I like. Everyone. Celia's invited. Tommy's invited. All the Dumb Dumb Carb listeners are invited. Except for you, Carl.

All the listeners are invited. Fuck yourself. I'm going to send you an invite and put the wrong person's name on listeners are invited except for you, Carl. All the listeners are invited. You go fuck yourself. Yeah. I'm going to send you an invite and put the wrong person's name on it and then ask for a back. To be fair, we only serve pork at the wedding, so I thought maybe you would be insulted by that, so I didn't. Has it been awkward since the wedding bumping into people?

I mean like this exact thing. Has this happened much? You clearly don't feel awkward about it. It's been fine until now to be fair. Right, okay, sure. We've got to become better friends, though. So if you get divorced and married again. Now that you bring it up.

Or have a second wife. Convert to Mormonism or Islam. I should have. Because I quite like unism. And I wouldn't say that about many people at all. To be honest, we're comfortable enough to say to each other, our friendship is improving. We're taking it to new levels.

It's a long-term project. Like last year, if I got married, I probably wouldn't have invited you because we weren't at that level. Now, it's like a definite maybe. I'd have to explain to my wife who the hell you are. It's probably gone down a little bit since the incident happened five minutes ago. No, but that's more honest, don't you? No, I know.

It's wonderful to see you talking about it, to see this burgeoning friendship. That's wonderful. I liked what you raised before. I'd like to see you convert to Islam, Carl. Yeah. Or Mormonism. I'll look into it. I'm fine.

Serious? It's the fastest growing religion in the world. Possibly we can have a lot of kids. Islam. Right. Also because we threaten people with the sword. He'd be good at that. Give me the sales pitch.

Give me three reasons. Sell me this pen. Pork is bad for your health. Alcohol. You don't drink alcohol and you get high on life. Give me some good reasons. And everyone hates you, so you're like a rapper. These are not good reasons.

Look, we don't want you, okay? You didn't invite me to the wedding. Even if you do convert, I'm going to somehow void your membership. Well, saying everyone hates you, you've already got that one knocked off. So it's going to be, in many ways, an easy transition. Because I don't know anything about religion, I'd be happy to hear three reasons, three good

things about it. Oh, man. Like about any religion, to be fair. Give us a bit of Mad Magazine, the lighter side of Islam. It's a club, okay? So you can go... If you want to stay anywhere in the world, right, you go and you don't want to pay. You guys are tight asses, right? You go to a mosque.

Well, one of us is. Any time of the day. You can stay there. People will give you food and you can stay the night. It's a free accommodation everywhere in the world. Wait, how does this work? You just find the local. People are sleeping there all the time.

Yeah, you just go into a mosque. Where are we? Oh, so you go to a mosque. Yeah, you go to a mosque. You can stay the night for free. In a mosque? In a mosque. Yeah. People are sleeping there all the time. Yeah, you just go into a mosque. Where are we? Oh, so you go to a mosque. Yeah, you go to a mosque and you stay the night for free. In a mosque? In a mosque. Yeah, people are sleeping there. Are there beds in there?

No, you just sleep on the floor. You bring your sleeping bag or there are sleeping bags already. That's just camping. Yeah, that's not a thing. You can do that anywhere. You can sign on carpet with food. Okay. So they've got food but they don't have beds.

There's no beds. All right, well, choose another religion that has beds or another religion. Where else are you going to get a free floor? Hey, I'm learning. I just want to know exactly what I'm getting myself into. I didn't know that. That's a very nice thing. That's going to save some money.

Have you done that? Have you slept on the floor? Yeah, I've done that. We kind of have like our own sort of, what do you call them, like Mormons, right? But they only visit Muslims and remind you to come to the mosque. And they say, come, brothers, sisters, stay the night at the mosque for three days or you could do 40 days or four months. You could travel around to different countries. So there's nothing in between

three and 40? There's three, 40 and four months. Yeah, there's nothing in between. These are big leagues. I don't know, there's something about those numbers. I don't really know actually. I've done several three day ones and you go around and you sleep.

Your parents send you off. Okay, you know the Pakistan or even the English cricket team, the guys with the beards, most of those guys, they're kind of like a brand of Islam. It's called Tabligh Jamaat. They're like the door-knocking Muslims. Right. That's their background.

So, yeah, it's cool now, that brand. How does that go, the old door-knocking Muslim idea? You basically knock on the door. My mum, like normally when you see them at the door. Surely in a war, that's like, you know, that's the people that you just chuck out at the start to get rid of. You know what I mean? These guys are the scouts.

In fact, if you go to any mosque in Melbourne, and apparently Sri Lanka's like the most organised with this, like you go to any mosque, at that mosque there'll be like a registry that these people keep at every mosque, and it tells you how many Muslims live in that mosque, there'll be like a registry that these people keep at every mosque and it tells you how many Muslims live in that area, how many are of age to go and do this three-day, you know, whatever. Sleepover. Yeah, the sleepover thing and where they live.

So like often you'll be at home, you get a knock at the door. The etiquette is to knock only three times and then you go away because either they're in a room or they don't want to be disturbed. So people see them and they sort of hide and like most Muslims kind of like, oh, man, because you've got to open the door, they talk for a row or they don't want to be disturbed. So people see them and they sort of hide. And most Muslims are kind of like, oh, man, because you've got to open the door. They talk for ages and then they go. My mum actually opens the door and brings them in and entertains them for hours and then they're the ones that want to leave.

So she's an exception to the rule. Yeah, but it happens all the time. If you guys want to go on a three-day trip. I'm in. I'm in. I'm in for 40 days. I'm in. Mate, I don't even know what happens in 40 days.

It's just... I've met a few people that do it. We've got the live Mary Burra podcast coming up this Saturday, January the 13th. I am going to sign up to Islam live on stage in country Victoria. How's that going to go down? I think even just people from Melbourne, they would hate, let alone Muslim people from Melbourne.

There's probably like a local, we'll find what the registry is like at the local mosque there. The mosque in Maryborough? There's probably one close by. There's not a mosque in, there's one in Bendigo, which is only 45 minutes away. Bendigo Mosque, there were people protesting to have it banned, and I know for a fact that there are these door knocking types. Yeah. Okay.

Brave in Bendigo to be door knocking in Bendigo. Man. This is like a huge butcher, like abattoir. So like a lot of Muslims go there and they get like, it's good factory work and they slaughter the animals halal styles. So then those companies can send the meat offshore and make more money because you get more money. It's always very interesting when you come on the podcast.

Shame no one can hear it because you're holding the mic three feet from the stage. Is that part of Islam? You don't want to get too close to a phallic-shaped object. Is this mic, is that mic not certified or something? I don't know how much pork it's touched at your wedding that I didn't get to. Oh, yeah, we brought the gear down to the wedding. I don't know if it's one of your rituals when you start a show you just dip it in pork.

I don't know. Anyway, Celia, Celia, if you can tell us about your religion now. I have no religion. I have never had any religion.

The closest I've got, this was sort of material, well, growing up, I grew up in the country is knowing the difference between something that was alive

and something that was dead. Right. That's the closest that I can remember of spiritual teaching. Like, Celia, this rock is not alive. This rabbit is alive. Hit the rabbit with the rock. This rabbit is not alive.

Like that kind of stuff. Oh. And we got taken out of religious education in primary school. Right. My dad pulled us out. So I had no religion at all. But I would have been very susceptible to it, I reckon, because I would love it to be someone else's problem.

If someone said there's this person who is 100% good and knows everything and they will tell you what to do, I'd be like, yeah, sweet. I'll totally get on board that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What did you do when you weren't in RE? Colouring in. I had to do that as well. Wait, did you rap?

Did you go to a religious school? No, no. So this was just regular primary school. Everyone in primary school, we I had to do that as well. Wait, did you rap? Did you go to a religious school? No, no. So this was just regular primary school. But you know when you had, yeah. Everyone in primary school, we all had to do that shit. I didn't know you could fucking get out of RE. Yeah, we had to have a note from your parents. Oh, yeah, yeah.

So I don't know why. So my parents never explained to me why they were anti-religion. We just had no religion at all. I would do that now. But I got jealous because they had like juice in there because they did the. They got all the biscuits. Yeah. And stuff like that.

I do all that. I put my kid in a school. But how's our fucking colouring skills though? Colouring was pretty sick. Now it's paying off, you know. I mean – Thank goodness adult colouring books came back around because I am cashing in. I would have thought that in my school, like there was one or two people

that got asked to get out of religious education. But they were always the Jehovah's Witness and it felt like that's the only reason you can give to go out of there. And I would assume that you're just sitting in the sick bay for the next hour. Yeah, no. I remember there was a Jehovah's Witness kid who didn't get presents at Christmas. Is that right? Is Jehovah's Witness not a Christmas thing?

But this kid got, because of that, got presents like one a week, like non-stop presents all year round. I was like, that's a sweet one. See, these Jehovah's Witness kids, they're getting out of RE. Surely you and everyone else in your class, you're looking at that going, man, that looks sweet. Why aren't they going door to door in the schoolyard going, pretty nice, right?

Yeah. Trying to co-opt you then and there. Yes. You would have signed up. Yes. You would have gone back to your mum and dad and gone, all right, we're Jehovah's family now. Because you know what?

I grew up living next door to Jehovah's Witness door knockers. So we're the easy pick and straight away. Don't knock, don't knock. Oh, come on, guys. Go down the street. Did they knock at your door? Yeah. Yeah.

But I've told this on the podcast before, not with this context, but we ended up stealing their cats. Do the cats have name tags? No, no. They just didn't feed their cats very well. And so they kept coming over to our house and we'd feed them. And literally we got one of the cats and they just gave up and bought a new cat. And they said, don't take this one.

We said, okay. And then we fed it and then we took that one as well. And then we moved away with them. Stole a Jehovah's Witness cat? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we got their cats. We deprogrammed them. We gave them presents at Christmas and everything.

It was good. Now that you've talked about that on the podcast, is this Jehovah's family going to come to the live podcast on Saturday looking for vengeance? No, they were very old. Yeah, they wouldn't be around anymore. So they're dead. Yeah, I would think so.

Fuck yeah. Yeah. Nice. So they don't look after animals very well. Yeah. Well, these ones didn't. I don't know if that's a rule Yeah is that a thing?

Well I tend to look at one person From any community And brand them all like that Right That's absolutely fair Absolutely fair That's your right It's really weird

This is a bad time For having this conversation Because it's the new year And I'm very distracted now I'm like Maybe I should have a religion Yeah I'm not going to talk about

Your next show It's a bit of material. Yours sounds great, don't get me wrong, but booze is the... The idea of religion is quite nice. Having something to believe in. Here's an alternative to alcohol. I might have told you this before already.

Drugs. I've heard about it. Sleep deprivation is the equivalent of having an alcohol blood level. So if you just stay awake, Celia, you'll be smashed in a day. You have the same effect. You slow your words. You can't walk straight.

You can't drive. It's the same reaction. I don't know if it's as fun. But I like your argument. I do. I haven't slept in weeks. So what you would have to do is if you want to have a big Friday night, you just don't go to bed on Thursday.

You just don't go to bed. I think it needs like a couple of nights worth of sleep. Right. Yeah. It's a long-term commitment. Yeah. I'll give you that. And it's cheaper.

Yeah, right. Sure. Have you ever been drunk? So can you make a fair comparison? Have you ever drunk ever before? No, never. Never. Accidentally, someone – I remember one of my friends at school, he just didn't believe that I'd never drunk before

and he gave me at his birthday party a sparkling thing of wine and he said it's apple juice and I took a sip. I was like, this is alcohol. I don't know what it was, a sparkling champagne, whatever it was. And he goes, oh, I thought you were joking. I was like, nah. Anyway, and then another guy put a little bit of alcohol in my Pepsi Max like the large one

from McDonald's and I tasted like a burning thing in my throat I was like is there alcohol in this and he said yeah and they put like

a little bit in there I don't know how you even taste it but yeah I'm obviously that sensitive yeah but now that you've

had a couple of drops anyway you may as well just get smashed but you know what part of me is like oh man I've done this my whole life Just freaking get smashed

Every day now But then the other half I'm nearly there I'm almost dead Without drinking You're almost dead Aren't you like 32? Yeah I know

But I'm like close to the end Like 32 You might as well get smashed every day You've got a problem with alcohol Despite never having drunk it Yeah but like It's kind of like If you save your money Have you got your teeth fixed yeah do you tell you this no you're you've got blinding white

teeth it's kind of weird because the bottom deck uh not blindingly white they're white they're pretty white yeah i mean i don't know if you're just being a bit right no no no no i mean i wouldn't invite them to a wedding but they're pretty white it's very weird the guy I got like what are they called caps on the front few

and yeah they trim your teeth and they look great I don't remember them not looking great I was very self conscious for a long time after I had them

I only had them like a few months now yeah but was there something wrong beforehand my teeth have always been messed up I've had an underbite and I sure do but also like I couldn't really bite properly My teeth have always been messed up. I've had an underbite and I sure do. But also like I couldn't really bite properly because my teeth were all messed up. And yeah, so I went in to get my wisdom teeth changed and then the guy, the dentist was like, hey, go across the road to their technician place and they put all this, they put literal

kind of tooth stuff that was, it was like, I don't know, like clay on my teeth. Yeah, yeah. And then I looked in the mirror and it was like I had like a perfect set of teeth. Amazing. And then he said, yeah, it only takes like a few visits. So I was like, I'll give it a go. I didn't realize that they actually just, they don't just stick stuff on. They have to trim your teeth down.

That bit seems weird. Yeah, it was really painful, that part. So they look good. That's great. You look great. Yeah, I know. I feel like it's kind of like cosmetic surgery kind of. Yeah. But also I can eat properly now. So that's the payoff. Right. Okay. Well, You look great. Yeah, I know. I feel like it's kind of like cosmetic surgery, kind of. Yeah.

But also I can eat properly now. Right. So that's the payoff. Right. Okay. Well, they look good. Thank you very much. First person that's actually ever noticed.

Really? No one's noticed. No one's seen them yet. Oh, no. I'm a fan. Carl's a big mouth guy. Am I? Yeah.

Okay. What does that mean? I don't know. But yeah, I knew a guy who had a nose job and he said as could he'd fallen over and he needed it to be fixed. But it wasn't. It was just because he wanted a nose job. It said as could he'd fallen over and he needed it to be fixed. But it wasn't. It was just because he wanted a nose job. It's always to do with sinuses, isn't it?

It's all sinuses. Pure vanity. Yeah. Now, with my cat being here and she's roaming around here. She's so fluffy. You were particularly excited to see the cat. I love her. But Tommy's particularly unexcited.

I just don't trust her, mate. I mean, with respect, I don't know if it's a member of your family and all that, it's got a dodgy looking face. What? Really? It's like a little bit suspicious looking. My cat. You get your mouth all straightened out and now you're like,

your face is dodgy. I'm judging other people's faces now. What's it doing? It's just looking around your kitchen. Yeah, what do you think, Kat? Stay in your own space, Kat. Yeah, watch Netflix or something. What are you sitting here watching us for?

Put Black Mirror on. Before I was behind you, wouldn't that be worse? Exactly, that was worse. Yeah, right, okay. It doesn't give off any expressions. Like I used to love cats more than dogs, but now I get the dog thing. They're all out with their emotions. Look at it.

It's only a dining table now if that helps. Look at this. She does have a I'm looking in your soul kind of vibe. Yeah, yeah. They all have a bit of that. It's going to try and leap onto the kitchen island. She loves that. Do it.

Can she make it? Yeah, she can. Really? Watch this. She's going to do it. Here it comes. Is this a good podcast? Here it comes.

The cat's going to do a jump. Fucking do the jump. Do it. Do it, Crunchy. The absolute madman. There was a six-meter gap between our table and the kitchen. Through a flaming hood. Wow.

How did you set that up? That was amazing. I like it a little more. Crunchy Knievel. Suspicious but talented. Cruncher. Her name's Crunchy. Crunchy.

We called the backstory of the Crunchy story. People say, what do you call a cat crunchy for, especially a female cat? It's not a very female name or a cat name. But we got this cat – we met these cats. We went to someone's house and they had two cats just like that, that same breed, and their names were Crunchy and Munchy and they were super cute cats. And we're like, oh, Crunchy and Munchy, they're great names.

They're such cute names for cute cats. And we said, right, if we ever get a cat, we're going to get a breed like that and we're going to call the cat Crunchy or My so then we got that cat years later a couple years later and we've gone right which one we munchy or crunchy we went with crunchy awesome and so the other day i said to my now wife uh what whatever happened to to to crunchy and munchy whatever happened to crunchy munchy how are they going going? And the owners said, oh, we changed their names. Those names were fucking shit. Because I was going to ask, are you still in contact with these people?

Because I would find that weird. Like someone else just getting a thing and naming it the exact same as the one that you have. Well, we don't have to worry about that because they changed the cat's name. So how long until you realise how much of a stupid name it is and just call it Bruce or something? I love it. I love that name.

How do you have a cat and then just change its name? I think it's weird when people give their pets very normal human names, like when someone just has a dog called John. I mean, you can call it anything. That's stupid. You know, when my parents first came to Australia in the 70s, the first headline they saw in the Herald Sun, so the big newspaper, not just like a local one,

we think newspapers are a bit racist and offensive now. The first headline they saw was cats and dogs missing and there were police raids in Springvale and apparently Chinese people allegedly had been stealing cats and dogs to eat. I don't know if they actually caught any, but that was the first. Look, it's comforting to know that the Herald Sun being fucked goes back that long. It's nice to know that at least they're consistent, you know. They're not just jumping on the bandwagon.

They've been doing this for a long time. Our first dog was called, this is a brilliant example of letting children name an animal. It's a dog called Woofer. Woofer's pretty good. He's a woofer. Woofer with an A. I know he woofs.

He's a woofer. That's a good thing to yell out, Woofer. Woofer. No, it's a terrible name, but it's just like, I don't remember naming it, but that's clearly a child. That's an alien coming to earth and having a crack at what they think it's called. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This thing is a woofer. What a woofer. Do you like Japan? In Japan, they don't say woof, they say oh. Oh, no, that's Arabic, sorry. They go oh, oh. Sorry. I just remembered.

Dogs make different noises over there. What? Oh. Yeah, like instead of saying woof. Like Tim the Tool Man Taylor. So I don't know how we transliterate the sound that an animal makes, but in English it's wolf, but in Arabic it's AW. Oh, right.

Okay. That's how they, what is it? Is that onomatopoeia technically? Like, yeah, transcribing a sound. Oh, really? Okay. I used the wrong big word. Yeah.

Onomatopoeia. What? Onomatopoeia. Onomatopoeia. Is that when something sounds like how it's written? It sounds right. Is that what it is? It sounds like how it's written. It sounds right. It sounds like what it is, like splash. Yeah.

Right. That's what it is, isn't it? Well, the cat's about to jump again, so let's make this chat even more boring. Oh, I'm going to end with a chair this time. Soft, crunchy, soft. This is so exciting. You've got your Christmas tree out, mate. Yeah, yeah.

When's the rule? Well, I'm going to take it down really soon because the cat's been eating it. If you see the bottom level of the tree, it's just crunchy. He's just been eating it. So that's the reason you take it down. Why would we sell it? Well, you're just going to put it in a cupboard. Yeah.

Well, why would you sell a plastic Christmas tree and then what, buy another one in December? What can people do with it? I don't know what they're doing. Next year you may have converted to a religion that doesn't celebrate. You never know. Then you've behead the tree. No, I'm joking.

You know what? I've started using Gumtree. Only the first week of – Jesus, what? Sorry. What a leap. Speaking of trees. You all sell it on Gumtree.

It's pretty – I started using the name Nathan when I sell stuff. So a guy came and bought a TV the other day from me. Because you're not using it anymore until tomorrow when you turn a TV on again. Well, the Christmas tree. Like, why would I sell it if I have to get another one in December? Is that what you do at night when you turn the TV off? You put it for sale. Because the studies.

Get up, buy another one in the morning. No, we were upgrading the TV. Right. Some people are doing well enough in comedy to regularly upgrade their TVs. Nice. Actually, the TV that we've had, it was embarrassing as shit. Like, one of the speakers works. It was embarrassing to have in the house.

It was a boring conversation. No. Well, it just didn't look as good as your teeth, I guess that's all, in comparison. Sparkling. Do you just get like a projector now and just project it onto your teeth and the rest of the family just watch that? People come around and watch movies against my teeth.

They are fantastic teeth. They're good teeth. They look like if your face got, if we somehow just ripped your skin off your face, they would look like, you know those novelty, those chattering teeth? Oh, yeah. That's what I don't want them to look like. I could use your teeth as a comedy club logo. Remember Jordan Harris?

Jordan, the guy that stole the jokes? Yes. His teeth were full. My fear was that I'd come out of the dental surgery and look in the mirror and be like, brown Jordan. No, no, no. Now for this fucking dumb, dumb club photo,

I'm going to smile. Yes. Can teeth be too white though? I don't think they can. Really? I think they can sometimes. You know when it's just like so fake, but it's not.

It doesn't look unusual. Mine are fucked. But it's been like everyone – you know when you watch an old movie now and people's teeth haven't been done? It's like everyone in Hollywood now, their teeth have been done. If you watch a movie from the early 90s even, you go, wow, there's a lot of millionaires with brown teeth. Man, this is going to be one for Googling,

for people to enjoy in their own time. Go back and look at Top Gun. Look at Tom Cruise's teeth in Top Gun. Oh, really? for people to enjoy in their own time, go back and look at Top Gun. Look at Tom Cruise's teeth in Top Gun. Oh, really? His middle teeth are like on the left-hand side of his face. And once you sit, there is no one seeing it.

It's so weird. Tom Cruise's teeth in Top Gun. I would like to do, if we don't do the Costa Mui Podcast Festival in 2019, we just hold a fundraising campaign for you and I to just get shitloads of plastic surgery. But why don't we do that at the same time as the 2018 one? That's where people go to get plastic surgery, to get their teeth done. Cheaper than that.

You're going to go get plastic surgery in Thailand. Well, it has been an honour and a privilege to know you. Because you won't recognise us when we get back because we are so handsome. Well, let's talk about this. People will donate to that if like, okay, so you guys get your vanity shit done. Yes. You know, use people's money to look – but then also – If they can find anything wrong with us, yes.

I get a boot job. You want to get like – I don't know, get more hair or something. Yep. And you can look younger. I don't know if they could do that. But then like the listeners get to choose one fucked up thing that they get to do. Like they can add a finger on your hand and make your dick normal size. He's got a massive one, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, a lot of people are going to the surgery for that. Drain some of the fluid out of it. There is. There's a guy. Did you see that? There's a guy with the biggest dick in the world recently. Yeah.

And he is refusing to get it made smaller because he says, well, on the one hand, I can't work. And in the other hand, it's still full of a dick. Wait, he's refusing to get it made smaller. Where is this pressure coming from though? Because he can't work. He can't earn money. What do you mean he can't work?

He's getting benefits because he's so big. Can he not walk? And he can't walk properly. There's all sorts of. He's to spend our money on wheelbarrow hire. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But apparently he used to hang weights off his dick growing up to make it longer and so he calls himself.

So it works. Yeah, he wanted to be the record holder, yeah. He's suing the penis enlarger pump people for correct advertising. Fuck, that's great. If that can work, surely there's an inverse. Surely there's another way. To make it smaller. If he just has his dick inside ice cold water for a year or two, maybe he can get it back.

You know, like the amnesia sort of thing. You're basically saying that people that live near the Arctic Circle, they have smaller penises. Eskimos. Notoriously small dicks. We've seen them all. Yeah. Because it's very quickly, it can become a race conversation. I'm happy to go there.

Yeah. But if you talk about countries that are around the equator, arguably. If I convert to Islam, will I get a larger penis? Well, there's circumcision and all that. Right. So smaller then. No, but it's just cleaner. Right.

A cleaner penis. All right. So there's one of your points. You go door to door, bring that up. Save money there. What's the other one we save money with? Free accommodation. Free accommodation.

These two guys coming door to door, knocking on your front door on a Saturday morning. Hey, do you want to clean a dick? We are going to clean your dick for you. What an advert. Clean a dick, free sleep on the floor. There's one other thing we said as well. A bit of free food. Some free food, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. There's got to be another one by the end We'll figure it out We'll figure it out Right Your cat is attacking the Christmas tree Yeah, yeah She's nuts

Hates Santa Crunchy Yeah, yeah She's converted She's is on there She's Jehovah's Speaking of surgery Do we want to

And Samui Do we want to talk about this? Because this is a thing that has been Messaged to us You should get a hair implant There's a listener of this show Oh yes, okay Who is a thing that has been messaged to us. You should get a hair implant. There's a listener of this show. Oh, yes. Okay.

Who is a trans woman who is midway through transitioning and is coming to the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival in 2018 and then sticking the end of her surgery onto the end of the trip. Right. Now, what do you think of that? That's great, right? That's exciting. It's of the trip. Right. Now, what do you think of that? Yeah. Well, that's great, right? That's exciting.

It's a weird combo of things. Oh, right. Well, is that where you're supposed to get, if that's a good place to get this? I don't like the world. It's cheaper. The Coastal Movie Podcast Festival is the best way. Yeah, right. So as long as you guys aren't doing the surgery. Totally.

Oh, wow. We've got a great reputation for it. I wonder if she'd let us do the surgery. You might be able to score a discount with like the surgery over there. Oh, give them a plug. Yeah, give them a plug and you get 10% off if you are considering. If we could be sponsored by the surgery over there, if you need any work done, if you need the biggest job done there is,

yeah, we could do an ad up the top of every episode. We could totally do an ad. I mean this could put them on the map. Yeah. This could put us on the map. Put you guys on the map, actually. Because aren't they

like the world leaders over there? Isn't it like the best place to get it done? Get gender reassignment surgery? I think it's probably the cheapest place to get it done. I think that would be it.

It's the cheapest place to get everything done. I'm not asking you about that chain email. Which of these people are men or ladyboys? Remember those? And it turns out all of them are ladies.

There's that photo. Oh, and it's an ad. It was just like a – I just remember back in the days with chain emails, one of them that I just kept on getting was a photo of like all these women in bikinis and it said one of these is a ladyboy. Guess which one? And it turns out all of them are. But the point of the the chain email was

that the it was i don't freaking are you okay a bit lost for words remembering this at the end if you can't pick these maybe you should convert to islam this is this is the ad and they're all thai women that was the other thing right so there's a there's a there's a certain reputation of that part of the world for certain things like I you know because I go there a lot I certainly get a lot

of people saying oh you're going over there to do this and whatever you know you fit the reputation and blah blah blah and I'm like

to do what exactly well you know there's certain people people you know people men in their 40s go over there

to get some some loving perhaps yeah whereas I you know very happily in my marriage my lengthy marriage go over there to get some loving perhaps. Whereas I'm very happily in my marriage, my lengthy marriage. You probably don't believe it happened because you weren't there. You don't have proof. Yeah, you don't have proof.

But it has a certain reputation. And you do see some people over there where you go, oh, okay, that's what's happening here. You just don't care. But that's all. I think this is nice though that this lady is going to come and do this on our trip because so many people, I think, are going to come to the Costa Mui International Podcast Festival, four days of drinking, being around podcasters.

It's going to be, you know, last year was fun, but it was a lot of drinking. It was a brutal time. A lot of people are going to come back just feeling just beaten and so much worse about themselves. It's nice to know that at least one person will get something positive out of it. Well, it's sort of like the last chance for her to have a Bucks party per se. Right. Before it becomes a Hens party after it.

Yeah. Okay. Right. So if she gets it done halfway through, it can be a Bucks party that turns into a Hens party. Don't you think? Well, she said that we read out her dead name in the Patreon read once. Her dead name?

Yeah. What does that mean? That's what they call it. She's going to resubscribe. Is that a term? Yeah. Dead name. It's the name that you didn't refer to.

Right. Disowned now. Yeah. Right. Wow. I've never heard that term before. A dead name. I knew this would be educational for you.

Yeah, yeah. I'm enjoying it. Do you know what being trans is? Slightly. I've seen Mrs. Yeah, yeah. No, I'm enjoying it. Do you know what being trans is? Slightly. I've seen Mrs. Doubtfire. Yeah, that educational film they made about it. Yeah, yeah. They played it in schools.

Okay. Yeah, well then yes. But she said that she's now going to resubscribe. Oh, cool. With the alive name. Yeah. So with the new name. So for anyone that we've read the name out on Patreon,

they weren't happy with what we did with it, instead of pestering us to do it again, just get gender reassignment surgery. We're happy for you to go through the ringer again. Did you know in Iran, here's another bit of education for you, remember Ahmadinejad, the ex-president? He's been on the show. He's a friend of the show. So he was in the States a long time ago

and he was asked about gay people in Iran. And he said famously, he was like, there are no gay people in Iran. And then the whole lecture theatre laughed at him for like 10 minutes straight. In a subsequent interview back in Iran, he clarified and said, there are no gay people in Iran because when we find out they're gay, we make them have forcible gender reassignment surgery so that they are no longer gay.

So if a man that likes a man, they make that man a woman and then he's straight. So they like cured gay people. It sounds like there's no... Is that for real? For real, yeah. Him saying there's no gay people, you just said it killed. Why do you tamper with a good bit? You just said they laugh for 10 minutes.

Don't add new shit in, mate. Don't add tags. It's already killing. Yeah, no one's laughing after surgery. It's like with the surgery, like that kind of surgery that's good for people who want it, it's amazing and great. But I could never do like a plastic surgery type thing just for fear of it. Nothing that I didn't need or really want. Elective.

Elective, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Just for all of those bots, you know, burned into my memory, those images of – What if you could get plastic surgery or surgery of some sort that made you run really fast? Well, that's different. That's like –

It's the same thing. That's superpowers. That's like being dumped into radioactive waste. That's Robocop, dude. Yeah, that's Robocop, yeah. Upgrades. No, but like attractiveness is, that's what you're getting with plastic surgery. If you could replace any part of your body.

It's kind of an ability, yeah. If you could replace any part of your body with like a machine, with like a robotic version of it, which bit would you pick? So you want plastic surgery as in you want plastic legs. Or to like replace, if you could replace your arms with like buffer arms. With what arms? Like buffer. Oh. With bigger arms. I arms? Like buffer. Big arms.

With bigger arms. I've literally gone to the gym today. Yeah, you've been working out, haven't you? Well, there's a guy that, yeah. I'm not. Look, I'm not bringing too much attention to my body this episode. What have you got coming up? You're working on something.

You've got these white teeth. I'm getting married, Carl. I'm at the gym. You're going to the bachelor or something? Are you shredding for the wedding? I'm not going to the bachelor. But actually, I mean, that would be, I mean, Carl. Jim. You going to The Bachelor or something? Are you shredding for the wedding? No, I'm not going to The Bachelor. But actually, I mean, that would be, I mean, I can't. Actually, I'm Muslim.

I can. I've got four wives. There you go. There you go. You can go the next three seasons. Excellent. And next year on The Bachelor, it's Nazeem again. It's me and my first wife choosing the other.

It's the carryover champion, Nazeem. He's back again. That is very funny. That's very weird. And it's like for the girls on it, for the contestants on it, it's like Groundhog Day, that bit where, you know, when Bill Murray's trying to charm Andy McDowell and you go into the room and he'd say, oh, I really like chocolate.

And she'd go, I hate chocolate. And he'd go, note to self, no chocolate. Go back the next day. That's what they're doing. Go, fuck season two. I'll go back and And she'd go, I hate chocolate. And he'd go, note to self, no chocolate. Go back the next day. That's what they're doing. Go, oh, fuck season two. I'll go back and I'll fix it season three. Yeah. And I reckon in the future, like polyamorous relationships are going to become more common.

So men are going to have multiple partners. Women are going to have multiple partners. So in a future season of The Bachelor, the man is maybe choosing his third wife, but then the woman is choosing her fourth husband and there's like a web of marriages. That won't matter as much because the whole idea of why it's interesting is because you're looking for the one and only with The Bachelor. But if it's just like going down the road to get a carton of milk,

it's not going to be interesting anymore. No, because how are they going to slot into the web of marriages? Who are you? Oh, I'm married to your husband's wife's wife's husband's wife. Right. I would find that more interesting. I can't buy into The Bachelor because it's like, oh, I'm fine in the one and the only.

It's like this is a TV show. This isn't real. Who cares? But if it's people just going, I'm looking for a sixth person to fuck this week, it's like, all right, well, that I can get on board with. That's something you can relate to. And there's a comedian, I'm pretty sure it's public,

he's in an open polyamorous relationship with a child now. What? He's in a relationship with a child? Why would this be public? Because it's on Facebook. I think you mean he's in a relationship with someone who has a child. Who has a child, yeah. No, no, it's a couple of women.

Yeah, but you said he's in a relationship with a child. You meant he's in a relationship. You can be in a relationship with your child as your child. Oh, my God. That's a father-child. Yeah, guys, it's 2018. Open your mind. All right, so you get to sleep on the floor.

You get to be in a relationship with a child. What else is there? And the multiple partners. Right now, that's a bit unbearable. Okay, someone who has a child and they else is there? And the multiple partners. Right now that's a bit unfair. Okay, someone who has a child and they're in an open relationship. I know who you're talking about. Maybe we should just delete this part.

No, let's leave it in. We don't need to say any names. Why do you think that'll become more common? Because I don't want to date more than one man. You don't have to. But I'm just interested why you think that that'll be couple. Because I feel like three or over.

I don't want to be weird. I don't want people like, oh, you've got one boyfriend, loser. Theme parks will be like, you must have this many sexual partners at the moment to ride the mad mouse.

It'll be like, you know when you're filling forms in case of emergency, who do you call? It's like, oh, I've got to pick between the four of them. Which one's the most responsible?

No, that, all of a sudden, that part of the form is just like this giant parchment that rolls down you have to go oh who's on their phone all the time who's going to cop the call who would actually answer right i don't know like permissive lifestyles and open relationships it's just becoming more like uh you know now if you hear that someone's in an open relationship it's it's less strange and foreign. I just don't think it's going to become less like that. I do agree. I don't get it. It just sounds exhausting.

These people with multiple partners. Fucking hell. Yeah, but maybe it's like it takes a village to raise a child, that kind of thing. Oh, the child again. So it's just like, wait, you got to, children are not merely sex objects, Tommy. I don't know if you saw this. They're not at all, actually.

They're not at all. There's so much more than that. Wow, sweet combo. Some of them are good at making Nikes as well. I'm with Celia. I'm also shaking my head. No, I was going to say a fairly serious thing

there was an article just about having there was an article about how men often only only

talk emotionally to their partner and not to their friends and no one else so men have one person in their life that they are open about their emotions

which can be bad because it's you know whereas women often will talk to all their female friends about their emotions so maybe that would bad because it's, you know, whereas women often will talk to all their female friends about their emotions. Yeah.

So maybe that would be a good thing for that to have more people that they talk to their emotions about. Some of my best friends I talk about my emotions and I don't need to be married to them. No, no, no, and nor should you be. Nor should you be. But for a lot of men that is the case. If they're mates they just talk about frivolous stuff

and only their romantic partner is talking about emotions. So if they don't have a romantic partner, then they don't talk about their emotions at all. That's a pretty good description of this podcast. Yeah. I like how much you misunderstood the point of that, Nazeem. It's like... I'm not marrying my friends.

Yeah, exactly. What? Oh, Barry, I'm feeling a bit sad. Oh, fuck now. I've got to put a ring on that finger. Just anyone you open up to, it's like, oh, Jesus Christ. I told you, you've met this friend of mine, this guy. He's one of my best friends.

He's a close friend. Yeah, like I'd invite him to my wedding. Anyway, my mum was in shock. If I could do it again, you'd be there, Ness. Yeah, but you know what? Now we're in a different place. Because that wedding was so long ago. Was it?

It wasn't like last week. Not really. It was yesterday. Very quickly, let's save what you're at. I'll just remember this thing. Because at the wedding, Dave O'Neill was at the wedding. So Dave O'Neill is one of the people who didn't bring a present. Oh, Dave.

Do you want to have a guess at anyone? That guy earns a lot of money, doesn't he? Can I just say, coming back to that, that is so depressing as an occupational group, how many – It's pretty damning, isn't it? Totally. And what I came out of that was – That's really depressing.

I went – I never realized how selfish comedians were. Well, that's on you. When I said – I know. But when I said that and then everyone goes, oh, duh, of course they are. I was like, oh, well, I gave them too much credit. Yeah, I would give them too much credit. But I will guess Harley Harley's a very

interesting case why let me put this on the record let me put this on the record so when this all happened

because not that I think that he's cheap but I can just imagine him going oh fuck off cause I'm not bringing his shit

and normally they're paid for their time so merely having Dave O'Neill there like he does shit loads of corporates. He's a very wealthy man. You're right.

Did he MC or do any duties? No. He left in the middle of the wedding to go and do a gig and then he snuck back. He didn't tell anyone he was doing it. He went out and did a gig and came back. He went and did a corporate for Chemist Warehouse. No, he didn't. He didn't do that.

Wasn't it that night? He could have at least brought you some vitamins. He said no to a corporate. He said no. He told me five times he'd knock vitamins. He said no to a corporate. He said no. He told me five times he'd knock back a corporate for a chemist's wedding. Oh, yeah. So his gift to you is the money that he didn't get himself. So he would have earned thousands of dollars.

So you would have fit right in at this wedding. I should have got him something. If you could do it again. Anyway, sorry. Harley. Let's put this on the record. Harley was one where he said early on, it started coming out that no one had, you know, all these 12 people had not put a present in.

And he started saying, and Harley's like, oh, I bet these guys didn't put any presents in or whatever. I was like, yeah, you're right. And then the whole time I'm like, you didn't give me a fucking present either. But then he's like, oh, but I brought a present. I just didn't give it to you. I left it in the car. I'm like, oh, okay.

And time just went on and went on. And Harley gets stuck into all the people going, oh, these guys, they're fucking all assholes, aren't they? And I'm like, yeah. And in the back of my mind I'm going, you still haven't given me a present. So we did a podcast in Sydney where we named all the comics. And I went to town on them and everything. Harley's next to me on stage.

I didn't bring him up because he's like, you know, I've got the present, I've got the present. Still haven't got it. Now, there was even a bit in that episode where we did a Rad Dad sketch where you wrote a bit where you wrote Harley as one of the comics that didn't give a present, right? And you wrote that. And then after the gig, he came up and said to me,

hey, why was I written as someone who fucking didn't bring a present? And I'm thinking, you fucking did bring a present. Are you sure? He might have given it to you. Are you sure? No, no, no, because for a couple of weeks there he was like, oh, yeah, that present. And I'm like, yeah, cool.

No present. A lot of people when called on it, a lot of stories of they had the envelope there ready to go. So many. Was this venue in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle or something? Like what the fuck's going on? No one got frisked on the way through. There was no x-ray where you had to dump your present in a tub outside and it didn't get brought back to you. It wasn't a bottle of water going for a flight and you had to get rid of it.

We've got to get the X-Files onto this. The case of the missing envelopes all over Melbourne, just envelopes with cards in them just going walkabout on the same date. Armagard have got them all. It's like the Brownlow. Getting busted in a lie, like that's clearly a lie. Harley, I care if you're deeply beat. You fucked up.

I'm putting them on the list. You've got to write one for next episode and do it. Do it live at Mary Parra. He could have just got something. This reminds me of a story which was a nightmare when I was at high school when you don't have your own money, right? And you don't have, you can't get things, right?

And I had got, my mum had bought me a Tamagotchi, which at the time was like so crazy. And I'd been asking it for ages. Must have been a legit one because I was really excited and I was on the phone. How old were you? Would have been 14, 15. So I definitely didn't have my own excited and I was on the phone. How old were you? I would have been 14, 15. So I definitely didn't have my own money and school was everything.

It was a big deal. I was on the phone to this girl who was trying to make me my best friend, I think. I don't know. But it was her birthday and I was like, oh, my God, I've got the most exciting news. I got a Tamagotchi. And somehow she went, oh, my God, you got me a Tamagotchi for my birthday.

And I was like, yeah, I did. And then I was like, I don't know what to do. She's like, oh, my God, I can't wait. I've wanted one for so long. They're so cool. I can't believe you got me one. You're the best. And I'm like, I am the best.

Did you go to high school inside of Saved by the Bell? It's so real. So it still makes me feel completely sick. But I'd already opened it. So I didn't know what to do. And I just left it the next day. She's like, where's Tamagotchi? I'm like, oh, I forgot it.

And I talked to mum. I'm like, we need to get another one. Mum's like, no, I'm not giving you no money. Get another Tamagotchi. That one cost me. So I can't even afford that one. I'm like, what am I going to do? And every day she's like, where's my Tamagotchi?

And then it got around like school. We were like, why did you? And they're like, she hasn't got a Tamagotchi. She didn't get you a Tamagotchi. And I couldn't bring my one that was mine. You didn't even enjoy it. You kept buying it at home. Yeah.

So you didn't give her one of you? Eventually. No. Well, so then eventually what I did was I just thought – because mum's like, I'm not giving you one. And it was going on and on. I just thought I could get away. I put it back in the – I like re-wrapped it and gave it to her.

And someone was like, this has been used. Because you know when it used to have those little tags that you pull out to separate the battery? The battery thing, yeah. It wasn't there. So she busted me and then I went home crying to my own mum and bought like a brushes voucher to go give her. This girl sounds like a little brat.

Yeah, they're all awful. Did she get two Tamagotchis? She got two presents. No, so she got Tamagotchi and then she got like a CD voucher from brushes and I got no Tamagotchi. Did you get your old Tamagotchi back? What? What is her name, Celia?

I can't remember. Maybe I did get it back. Maybe she gave it back. But it was just the shame when it was outed as. When it was abused. I think maybe I did get it back. I think I went, here's what happened. I don't know why you thought it was food.

I got it and I caved and then I felt so bad. I hope so. And here's another present. If she's getting the Brash's voucher and still walking away with a Tamagotchi, you're Tamagotchi. That's insane. And you're left with no Tamagotchi and the shame that she spread. What a mean person.

Maybe that's what's happened with Harley. So you've said – he said something about a wedding present. He said, I'm going to be present at your wedding, and you thought, I'm getting a wedding present. And now he's at home caught in a lie. And he's also, he's not working radio anymore. Yeah. He's got you a Tamagotchi. He's like, I don't want to give Carl my Tamagotchi. I think the, I think the lie that he was caught in was that it hadn't occurred to him. I don't think in a mean way. He just wouldn't, you know, just, I'm just going to the wedding.

I'm at the wedding. And he, and you said, can you believe people didn't get me presents? And he went, oh, not me. I got you one. Yeah, yeah. And it was – I think what needs to happen now is Harley, if you're listening – oh, no, he never listens when he's not on. But I was going to text him and go, you need to go out and buy Kyle Chandler and his wife a Tamagotchi. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great.

She'd love that. Well, speaking of – You can call it Munchie. Munchie. Oh. And you can put it around Crunchy's neck on a little tag. Great. Perfect. So I can just look around Crunchy's neck on a little tag. Great. Perfect.

So I can just look after them both at the same time. Easy. Push the button to have the tidal wave that washes away both their shit. Yeah, that's right. So good. So Dave O'Neill was at the wedding, like I said. He has since made good. He came on the show the other week and he brought a present.

Yes, gave you a card. Yes, because he was much shamed. Did he put any money in the card? Yeah, it was more than 20 bucks, I'd say, at least. What would you have gotten, Nazeem? Okay, if it was a really rich friend of mine like Dave O'Neill, a few hundred bucks. No, but if you'd been invited to Carl's wedding, what would you have gotten him? I would have sat up late and made a handmade card.

I would have given you a percentage of whatever was in my bank account. You're staying up late because you can't drink at the wedding and you want to fit in with everyone there. I would have thought, okay, Carl's this guy who's given me lots of opportunities in my career. I so wish I'd have invited you. He deserves a percentage of my income. A percentage of your income?

Because if it wasn't for Carl and his rooms, what percentage? I would not be at least 5%, 10%. Wow. $5 million you'd give him. Wow. I'd give him $5 million. You're worth a lot of money.

We don't talk about this. We don't talk about it a lot. A voucher to your dentist would be fucking awesome. I would love that. Absolutely love that. Three floor to sleep on. By the way, I got a- I so wish I had swapped you in for David Quirk.

I don't know what the fuck I was thinking with him. David Quirk. Did he give you something good? He's been- Did he give you a skateboard or something? That would have been nice. No, no, no. David Quirk is one of the most self-absorbed people on the planet, so of course he did not bring anything.

Yeah, that would have been it. Although, you know what? He would have gone, oh, can you give me ten bucks for that photo? Because that actually cost me a little bit. I got glossy. Yeah, exactly. See, this is what you learn a lot about people through this whole escapade, right? Now, there's the people that got shamed and then went,

oh, my God, I feel so embarrassed. Here's a present. Then there's the sort of person like David Quirk that gets shamed and then goes. Doubles down. Well, why should I have gotten your present? I'll tell you what. It's made it very easy for me if I ever get married.

I know exactly who to invite and who not. Exactly. I know how to really profit off this. Hey, I've performed at Catfish Comedy several times and that is a far more influential room than any of yours, Carl. More of the industry insiders go there. I owe more of my career to you. Thank you, Naseem.

10%. 10%? How much money have I given you for gigs and how much money has Tommy given you for gigs? It's not about money in the moment. It's more about the exposure and the connections. You'll be good food at mine if I ever have it. Well, anyway, so Dave O'Neill, I did a gig with him on the weekend

and my now wife, weirdly enough, came to the gig. She never comes to comedy. Big Dave O'Neill fan. She had friends that wanted to go to comedy so she was like, oh, okay, I guess I'll go along. And they chose Dave O'Neill. No, they chose a free comedy night because I was running it. So anyway, so they came along and Dave talked to the group of friends

afterwards and said to my wife, oh, so do you know Carl's wife? No. And she said, I am Carl's wife. No. Dave. So one-upping the fact that he didn't bring a present originally He gave your present to some other woman Better get onto davidjones.com

And print off a second voucher for that one I think he I think he left the wedding to do that other gig Whenever my wife was around And she was walking down the aisle He dove out a window He only saw me at the wedding apparently He only knew me from the wedding That is, yeah, yeah. He dove out a window. Yeah, yeah. He only saw me at the wedding apparently. He only knew me from the wedding.

That's very funny. There's no coming back. Yeah. There's no coming back. Do you know Carswell? Well, I once confused Asher Treleaven's ex-wife, Gypsy, with Dave Callen's. The Fleetwood Mac song.

And I basically was talking to one of Dave Callen's dancers that he used to dance with, thinking that she was Ash's wife. Anyway, it was. But you weren't at either of their weddings. Yeah, that's true. That's true. It was inexcusable. I mean, they probably would have invited me because I met them maybe once.

Going back to your friend from before Nazeem. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So this guy. Basically, we talk about our emotions together. Oh, yeah. Yeah. But this is the extent. Oh, we just did. Yeah, like we were just talking about emotions together. Oh, yeah. Yeah. But this is the extent of it.

We just did. Yeah, we were just talking about emotions, how you felt about people coming to your wedding and not giving you a gift. Yeah. We'll talk another episode about how it feels. Anyway, so this guy did not even be invited. Look, you know what?

Me and you will get a private time alone, maybe at your wedding. Yeah. I want to celebrate your love with your wife, just the three of us. Yeah, great. All right. And we can do. Oh we can do another bonus from Islam yeah anyway

so this guy I was on the phone my parents are in Sri Lanka at the moment because my stepdad's brother was very sick I was on the phone

to this guy I was like bro and I could tell he's a little bit distracted I was like yeah man so my mum's in Sri Lanka right now with my stepdad and you know

his brother's quite unwell and my friend was like little bit distracted. I was like, yeah, man. So my mom's in Sri Lanka right now with my stepdad and, you know, his brother's quite unwell. And my friend was like, oh, that's horrible. I was like, yeah. Anyway, and last night he actually passed away. And then my friend was like, oh, okay, I hope it's not too serious. And he wasn't even listening to the conversation. I said my stepdad's brother died and my friend said, yeah, I hope it's not too serious.

So even when I'm talking about my emotions with my friend, he wasn't actually paying attention. That was the story. Well, he's not marriage material. He's not marriage. I wouldn't marry that guy. How is David Quirk going anyway? Yeah, no, it's not David Quirk.

So do you think he was? He's on the phone just like. I think it was just like playing. Do you know what you can tell? I can always tell when you're on the phone with someone the moment when they're looking at an email or like you can always – they're really trying to be like, uh-huh. Yeah.

You're using your computer? Yeah. Or they say wow. Or they've got a speaker just so they can be doing other stuff on the phone that you're currently on with them. The only person who does that to me is my wife where it's like she can do like a minute and then that's it. I'll go, yeah, and this and this. And she'll go, yeah.

And I go, oh, you don't care anymore. And she's like, yeah, I'm going to go now. Can we just go because you're going through the wedding list with her for the 18th time. I've heard it. Quirks are cunt. O'Neill's a cunt. I get it.

Can I ask you, who is the least close comedian that came to the show, to the wedding, sorry, to your wedding? Is it all going to – don't say that. That's a to the wedding, sorry, to your wedding. Is it all? No, no. Don't say that. That's a bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who? I don't know, like the lowest level friend.

There are a few last minute invites. Like who did I lose out to? No, I literally thought afterwards, I did think of you and go, fuck, why didn't I invite you? And it's just literally because I put the list together pretty quickly. At what point did you think that? Tommy, I've thought it many. Was that after the wedding? No, no.

I'm trying to do something else. This could be like the Harley situation where you can still have an opportunity to give you that gift. Yeah, yeah. Did you think of that after the wedding? I thought of it after the wedding. You're here going, I've got an invitation for you in an envelope. It's sitting on the kitchen counter.

I just forgot to hand it to you. I did regret it. He's gotten me lots of gigs lately. He did. You did go around giving out the invitations, like in the way that you pay people at your gigs, in the sneaky, the covert handshake. This is a chunk of note.

Was I ever in the room when you were handing out invites? No, no, no. You weren't. This has gotten so. You weren't. I promise. What's her name? This has gotten very unitary.

Was I in the room? I reckon you're the one person I regret not inviting, and only because, like, literally, Tommy organised, like, the Bucks, right? And there was all comics in the room that came to the Bucks. So, Tommy, you've got shit on your mind. Oh, yeah, yeah, Tommy didn't invite you. I knew you weren't invited. But imagine if I didn't get invited to your wedding.

You invited a lot of people that weren't invited to the Bucks. Shut the fuck up. Okay, but how did you tell those people that were invited to the Bucks and not to the wedding that they... But that's a standard thing, being invited to the Bucks And not to the wedding But that's a standard thing Being invited to the Bucks Yeah And not going to the

Okay but I don't even know why Like back There was a time It was only very recently Where I've become This is genuine Yeah yeah yeah

Where our friendship has escalated Yes yes I agree Escalated And it's probably even Just the conversation Friends with benefits Yes The benefit of an invite to the wedding

Not a physical time It's all emotional No but My point being When people turn up to the Because it was a surprise Bucks And so when I turned up, there was all people. And I was like, oh, that's really cool that you guys have come along to this.

And then I was on the night. I was going, do you want to come to the wedding now? Oh, you dog. You were just handing them out like that. Yeah. Because they've come to the box. And I was like, oh, because I really didn't sit down in the laboratory and go, right, who is coming or whatever.

I just went, oh, whatever. And I didn't really put too much thought into it like that. You know what would burn you the most in revenge? Well, now it makes me feel all of us that did get invited. I wasn't really even thinking. No, no. Picking names out of them. How could you feel insecure?

You're like one of his best mates. So you've got nothing to worry about. It would have been funny if you weren't invited. I'm complaining about these. I was waiting for it. Nothing would surprise me at this point. Actually, no, once they didn't, didn't Tom Ballard get an invite in the mail and then you saw that and you hadn't got your invite yet?

Yes, that's right, yes. You posted Ballard's and he's like, oh, the wedding. And I'm like, oh, what? And I was like, oh, what's going on here? It's very, it brings me with anxiety, but like stuff like, do you invite people that you were really close to a while ago, but not now? No, well see, that's the thing. I, in,

the only rule I had in my head was, alright, I'm not going to invite anyone that I haven't talked to for like 12 months. Right. If I haven't seen someone in 12 months. I was in the jungle for six weeks, bro. I've just remembered when I got given my invitation. Where? It was when we did an episode of this podcast With Ben Lomas and Nazeem Hussain

As soon as Nazeem went home Oh wow As soon as you walked out the door You reached into your bag And handed me a message I reckon the way to execute The best kind of revenge Is to just be generally with you from now on, super generous.

So that every time I do something nice, it'll just burn you a little bit like, oh, shit, he's such a nice guy. And it'll all be fake. Yeah, I do feel, I genuinely feel bad. You've got to, look. I'm genuinely just fucking around. You've got to renew your vows just so you can have a new back. Oh, and our friendship vows. I'll do it in a live podcast and you can be the best man.

Yes. I'll make up for it. There we go. You've got to have a blue in your marriage first. Right. So just save it for when she goes wrong. Listen to you. I don't know.

I can't even believe I said that word. Like a comedian. You've got to have a bloody Barney first. Have a Barney. Sit her down. Have a bit of a chinwag about it. Sort it out. Maybe she lives,

get her on the frog and toad, you know. Well, Carl, thank you for the invite. Yeah. No worries. Do you have any fractures

in your marriage so far? Anything? Nothing too, nothing extremely major. You know, I can say a few quibbles, but I probably, you know.

She's in the house right now, isn't she? She actually is. She walked in before and is just hiding in the bedroom. All right. Well, we'd better wrap this episode of The Little Dumb Dumb Club up. Nazeem Hussain, Celia Bukwala, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you. I mean, it's been a real learning experience.

There's been a lot of ground covered that I was not expecting this afternoon. A lot of emotional territory. Yeah. Is everyone okay? Quick last question. You've been in the I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. I'm probably not supposed to say this, but I'm one of the people going into the jungle.

Any tips? You're not. What? I know who's going in. No, I'm joking. You're going in? Are you really going in? I'm going into the jungle.

That's cool. Who's the comedian going in? Not the athlete. How generous I am with my compliments. I'm the model. Yeah, cool. Any tips for surviving it? Yeah, yeah. Just, you know what? You should vape, so you always get time out at camp.

Okay, yep. And be a model, so you get spray tan time. Great. What? Are you serious? Okay, yep. And be a model, so you get spray tan time. Great. What? Are you serious? I'm not telling you who the models of the last season, even though they're easily Googleable. Yeah, yeah.

And also pray five times a day. There you go, the third benefit. I got time out of camp five times a day. Great. Wow. Great. So that's your door-knocking thing. If you ever go to I'm a Celebrity, you can get time out from the camp.

And if you're Shane Warne, he actually got to use his mobile phone when he was out of camp whenever he wanted. Yeah, he had smoke breaks. Oh, by the way, this comes up a lot on social media. There was an episode you did a couple of years ago where a celebrity got brought up and you went, oh, they're doing I'm a Celebrity? What a fucking loser move.

Yes. One year later, you are in. Imagine being mad. Did I really say that? You did. Because can I say one thing? The first season I was actually asked to do it, so maybe I was overcompensating by trying to act like I wasn't

considering it at the time. Right. Does that sound like? Or maybe you were just being an arsehole. This time, did you um and ah about it? Or were you like, yes, I'm going? In fact, I spoke to Frank Woodley for a long time about it and he was like – Well-known African comedian.

I'm a celebrity. Get me out of here. I keep falling over. No, he'd be great. He would be great. But he was like, don't do it. He said it's like it'll be the worst thing to do. And I respect his advice even still because the risks are really high.

So you respect it in spite of the fact that you did 100% the opposite of what he said I said no after that then you went and asked Colin Lane he said fucking do it

so you went oh he seems like the more sensible one no but like Frank made me actually think about it like I would have gone in

and just not considered how you know you can just say one thing out of line and then, you know, everything gets. I think it was great for you. You were so great.

Certainly more people at the show who got surprised at my material. But, you know, like people that only show you really happy, jolly stuff. Well, see, that's why I wouldn't do it because I don't trust, like I've got moods. Like there'd be a lot of bad stuff to choose from because I'd get in a shitty mood you know what though comedians we live on

we're on the road a lot we put up with pretty shitty accommodation oh yeah yeah whereas a lot of the other celebs that go in they're like they kind of expect

higher levels of stuff so when they crack it and you see them cracking it it actually helps you go oh my god I don't want to be like I don't want to crack it right

so you get to check yourself a lot more because – I'll take all this advice on board. This is great. This is great. Also, get off coffee and stuff like that. Yep. Don't drink it.

Easy. Yeah. Oh, well, that'll be a bit harder, but yep. All right. Well, catch Carl on the new season of I'm a Celebrity. Wow. Again, I don't – Congratulations, bro.

Yeah, no worries, man. I feel like you're breaking an embargo. Yeah. They would have signed some kind of NDA. Something like that. They did mention that quite a lot, but I sort of vagued out. Well, you just say if you want me to edit this bit out. I mean, I can easily.

It's just a conversation in the room at this point. Every time we mention the name of the actual show, just kind of like bleep bits of that. Then we should be fine. I'm a bleep. I'm beep celebrity, get me out of here. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I'll have to take some time out from the show.

Maybe I'll get that time off to sort of just phone in some podcasts. Maybe they'll fly you in and move. Fly me in and out. Yeah. FIFO once a week. Yeah. Great. They're flying heaps of journos over there.

Yeah. Why would it be out of the realm of possibility to go, hey, I got my, you know, content is content. Yeah. Direct access to people. Well, this bloke gets his spray tan. This bloke's prone to Ella. We'll go and do a pod, quick pod.

This guy's talking about his wedding from a year ago. Yeah, and we'll have to fly over to Nick Capper or whoever else to do an episode with. You don't ask any of the celebs that you're there with. No, if we could get Nick Capper and Brett Blake over, that'd be great, over to Chad or wherever it is. So, Nazeem, you're doing a – Where was it?

South Africa. It was South Africa. Right, right to Chad or wherever it is. Chad! Where was it? South Africa. It was South Africa. Right, right. Nazeem, you got all the festivals coming up? I got festivals coming up everywhere. Name of the show? No Pain, No Hussein. Look.

Hey! I have 15 minutes to come up with the title. I haven't written. I've written the show. It's fantastic. It's one of the best shows I've written Celia I have also

written my show and it's very good great it's finished it's definitely finished it's at least 55 minutes great news

I've got too many too many jokes at the moment great position to be in great position to be in it's too polished I think I'm going to have to rough it up

but I'm only doing Brisbane and Melbourne so I've got a bit more time just to have to rough it up a bit. But I'm only doing Brisbane and Melbourne, so I've got a bit more time just to kick back because it's definitely finished. Great. Great news. Great news. What's it called?

All Talk. Oh, suck it, Titus. That's fine. What's wrong with that? No, it's fine. I mean, you're limiting yourself. You can't juggle in the middle. Well, that's why.

People will walk out. If you do anything but talk, you're misleading and deceptive conduct. To be honest, if they even see you, you should be behind a black screen. There's visuals. I want my money back. Blackout.

Liar. I was coming to a radio show and now I see this. That's a great idea. Just do it once and record it and then just stay home. Nothing can rhyme. It's just got to be talk. Yeah. All right, guys. Thank you. And can rhyme. It's just got to be talk. Yeah. Great.

All right, guys. Thank you. And of course, we've got our shows on sale. Yes. We will have. Yes. Yeah, my show's called Carl Chandler's Shit List, funnily enough. Hey.

And mine is called Leisure Suit Tommy. Yeah. That was clearly on your shit list. No. Shit list. This is the first time for ages that it's not been a Carl Chandler is the greatest and best. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The funniest. What happened? You used to believe in yourself. I reckon eight years is enough, don't you? But it was like a thing. It was like, what's going to be next? That was me doing jokes and then having comedians heckle me. Yeah, right.

Whereas this is more of a... Are you going to do stories and talk about your life? He's rebranding himself. No, this is me doing a normal comedian show where no one comes in and berates me. This is challenge accepted. Except for the audience. And the reviewers.

Oh, no reviewers. So, no, this is me doing like a, you know, things that, like the list that I did for all the people that didn't give me a present. Me getting stuck into things, which I think is maybe my forte. So, yeah. Yeah. Guys, all that stuff on sale now.

LittleDumbDumbClub.com. Check it out. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. Wow. Wasn't that fun? Man, that was in my top two or one of this year. I always, when we do these so far in advance, and I don't want this to happen, but it would be funny if we just have some crazy huge fight at the very end of the episode,

like actual ending the podcast altogether kind of stuff, and then we're here now like fucking idiots, just still carrying on like best friends the podcast altogether kind of stuff. And then we're here now like fucking idiots, just still carrying on like best friends. I mean, that would be the way it should go out, don't you think? Let's reverse engineer and make sure that happens. So here we are talking dum-dum. Talking dum-dum.

Our little cool-down period. You know, you've gone for a big run. Except it's not talking dum-dum because we're not talking about the episode that just happened because we haven't recorded it when we're recording this little bit. Yeah, sure, but we're still talking about, you know, we're speculating. We're talking about stuff that's going on in our world. This is like we're stretching after the run. Right, right, right. We're cooling down.

Alright, fair enough. Yeah, what else have we got to say? A little bit of admin maybe. I really hope you guys are coming to Meriburra. It is going to be a lot of fun. Brisbane, you guys are buying a lot of tickets as per usual. The champs, the fucking reigning champs. I'll cut straight to Melbourne. Melbourne sales are going well.

Don't forget to get your season passes. It guarantees you guaranteed access into the drunk cast on the 22nd of April plus a little $5 little admin fee. But, hey, that's not all it does. Gets you entry to all four of the live podcasts for a low, low price. Yes, it does do that. Well done. Imagine the idiot that thinks that the season pass is just entry

to the drunk cast plus then you have to pay $5 when you turn up. People would do that. People would do that. That's why I pointed it out. People are idiots, Carl. But Koh Samui selling extremely well, as I said at the top of the episode. It feels like forever ago, doesn't it? Yeah. So many things have happened. We've had that big

fight. Yes. So it's, man, it's almost like last year again where we were sort of thinking, fuck, what's it going to be like? Because we've never done it before. This is going to be a whole different kit and caboodle because there's so many people coming.

The game has changed. Yeah. We're going to have to change everything. This is like, I guess it was more common when you were a kid, but when a movie would come out and you'd love the movie and you'd be so wrapped to find out there was a sequel. But then on the sequel and in the trailer, there's just all these new characters in there.

You're like, who the fuck are all these people? How's this going to go down? That's a little bit what this is like. No, you know what this is like? It is like, you know the original Austin Powers movie that came out? Very, very well. That didn't go that well. Straight to VHS in this country.

Right. But then word got around and whatever, and people watched a lot of the videos and DVDs of it. And then when number two came out, it was actually fucking huge. Yes. But the first movie was not big at all. Yes. Yeah.

So we're like that, except we're funny. Because those films fucking suck. So the Koh Samui Podcast Festival documentary, that's like our Austin Powers. Yeah. Where it's just like VHSs are being sort of shared around and bootlegged. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's getting us the word of mouth. The 2018 is the podcasters that shagged me.

Right, yes. Wow, that's really cool. That's a real statement of intent for the podcast festival itself. That might get us in trouble. Or it might be a good disclaimer. Hey, we warned you. Yeah. We warned you.

I mean, it is a lot like Austin Powers in the sense that those movies are very guilty of just recycling the same jokes again and again and again, which is an accusation that could very fairly be levelled at this podcast as well. Fuck, that would be a real insult to me that we're the Austin Powers of podcasting. Fuck. I fucking can't stand those movies. That bit that we did in the first year is one where we were in silhouette and it looked like you were pulling things out of my ass in a tent.

We're going to do that again. Man, those films fucking, they're up there with Frasier for me. They fucking suck. I'm not taking any of this on board, by the way. You should.

You know what that means? 2019, guess who's coming to Samui with us? Beyonce and Michael Caine. Pod member. I love content. So, hey, if you're listening up the back, you know what you're in for. You've been forewarned I love content So Hey If you're listening up the back

You know what you're in for You've been forewarned Many episodes ago You know what's coming up the back end here It's a big part of Talking Dum Dum We thank all the people Who get onto patreon.com Slash little dum dum club

And give us a little bit of coin Give us a bit of You know Enjoy our work And want to keep going Do the right thing Pop a bit back into the people who provide you with so much content on your way to work, when you're at the gym,

when you're having sex, whatever you're doing, whatever you need this stimuli for. We've still never, we've asked many times and we've still never received any confirmation that anyone does that. Right. Hey, I was talking about in our little private dum-dum, people aware of little dum-dum group the other day, but I listened to an episode the other day and I'm starting to understand why people listen. Yeah, it's good.

Do you and your brother like to listen? Perhaps. It's not bad. You were listening to, I can't remember the episode number, but it was Dilruk Jaisingh. 205, I believe it was. And Ben Lomas. Yes. We did an episode live in Adelaide and it was dill rook jai singha 205 i believe it was and ben lomas yes we did an

episode uh live in adelaide and it was the live where so much uh an episode in yeah it was a an episode that we we did the episode there and then so much happened immediately following the episode and we were laughing so hard about it at the airport the next day that we went we got to get back in the studio and we got to let the listeners know what happened. Yep. Because I don't listen. Are all our episodes as funny as that one? Because that was good.

That's the least funny one we've ever done. That's the worst one we've ever done. I've got to get onto this show. They were better than that. Wow. I didn't know I was that good. Great. All right.

Well, I'll subscribe right now. I'll just subscribe. I might even subscribe on Patreon. You weren't even there for that one. That was me doing your voice. Oh, wow. That. All right. Well, I'll subscribe right now. I'll just subscribe. I might even subscribe on Patreon. You weren't even there for that one. That was me doing your voice. Oh, wow. That was spot on. Good impression, don't you think?

No wonder it was so funny. A great episode that any recent listeners who haven't bothered to go back in. Let's just insert the whole episode right here so people know. I did say that. We should just re-upload that episode every week. We should just. Why don't we do Summer Dum Dum and just do the top and the bottom of the episodes and just put that in there?

Re-runs? Yeah. Oh, I would love that. That would be good, wouldn't it? Doing the show at this time of the year when no one's around, it's... It's hard to book guests. It's a hassle. Yeah.

It's a hassle. All right. So, like I said, people... Just quickly, what if we next year... And look, someone, God, remind us when the time comes. Let's do the episodes at this time of the year. We'll do new ones, but we'll pretend that they're reruns. Oh, nice.

So we'll have new guests, but we'll just say, let's all pretend it's 2015. Right, right, right. And talk about what we were doing back then. Great, great. Okay. Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub is how you support us, how you support our art. If you want to be a patron of the arts, that's what you can call yourself. Yeah. And this is art. You be a patron of the arts that's what you can call yourself yeah um and this is art you're a patron of the arts hole so if you want to chuck in there we then reward you by giving

you free not free content but we give you extra bonus content such as uh our our magazine our monthly magazine that we put a lot of work into We make a bonus episode that we ship out to you guys, depending on the level of patronage you do give us. And, of course, we read out some of your names, and we try and get through as many as we can, time permitting, every week. Yes. Depending on what we've got coming up.

Yes. So this is where I get out the old, open up the old 2018 edition of the Random Name Generator. I've got all the new updates and everything, so it should go pretty quickly this week. This is technically our second episode of 2018, but sure. Yeah, but that was recorded

in 2017. Right, okay. Don't you think? I'm pretty sure we did pretend it was in 2018 when we did that, but sure. Sure, okay. Let's do that then. Who cares about canon? All of a sudden, people can't listen's do that then. Who cares about canon? Yeah. Fuck.

All of a sudden, people can't listen to this show anymore. Who can we trust? All right. Bang. Let's go. Let's go. Who have we got in the canon? Who's the first up for this episode?

Right. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Andrew Reynolds. Andrew Reynolds. Yeah. Yeah. Someone probably dressed quite a smart casual of names. It is, yeah. It does sound – if you told me that was a menswear shop in a part of the country I hadn't been to, I'd believe it. Andrew Reynolds.

If you asked me what article of clothing Andrew Reynolds was, I would say vest. I would say it's a fat man shop. Really? Yeah. Andrew Reynolds. You know those, you walk past and some of them don't say it, but you look at the mannequins and it's like, I see what's going on here.

I can hear the radio ad. They say, Andrew Reynolds. For fat cunts. Yeah. For fat cunts. Yeah, for the ample gentlemen. Not saying I think Andrew Reynolds is a larger man. No. Although, hey, you know what?

He listens to a podcast. He likes it enough to chip money in. I reckon I could throw the dart board and throw the dart and get pretty close to the centre. We've been doing this regularly at the moment, like lately, where we've been guessing the size and a bit more detail of people. Oh, were we guessing people's heights one week? Yeah, yeah. Should we guess their weight this week?

Okay. Andrew Reynolds. Yep. 110. Oh, yeah? 110. I'm going to go, I've got faith in this guy. I'm going to say 98.

Okay. I'm going to say he came down from there, but he's 98. Okay. Yep. All right. Well, Andrew. So definitely we both think that you're a fat cunt to some degree. Yeah, but what if he's higher than what we've guessed?

Is this offensive if we don't? I mean, we don't know. Yeah. We have no information. We could look him up on Facebook, but let's not do that. There'd be a million Andrew Reynolds. But well, in our group. Yeah, but let's not do that. There'd be a million Andrew Reynolds. But, well, in our group. Yeah, but they're not all necessarily in our group.

I reckon I recognise this guy's name. Really? Yeah. It's not a recognisable name. Something about it rings a bell. It's the vest of names. It's not. It's the vest of names.

It was the vest of names. It was the worst of names. Maybe he's related to Gareth Reynolds, participant in the 2018 Koh Samui International Podcast Festival. Maybe it's his dad and he's going to come over and babysit. Maybe it's his fat dad. Fat-o. Speaking of, right, let's go into another fat listener. Thanks, Andrew.

Thanks, Andrew. Thanks, Andrew Reynolds. For fat cunts. Got to do the whole jingle. Sorry. Well, we're co-writers We're the We're the

Rogers and Hammerstein Yeah yeah yeah Hell David and Bert Bacharach Of Of Oversized Man Jingles Clothing store jingles Um

That'd be right in the city too You gotta have the Fat man Um Shops right in the city Yeah but it'd be It'd be in an arcade It'd be at the back of an arcade.

It couldn't be down a laneway because cunts couldn't fit down there. That's how big they are. They can't work out why no one's coming. It's got to be in the Bourke Street Mall. But you know what I mean? Those arcades that you go in where it's like the stuff, even the stuff up the front is shit and it's like if this is this bad, how's it going to get any better once you go down?

Right. Around a corner as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just hidden. Well, you know, something that niche, you can sort of have it on the, you know, not in a busy section. Yeah. Because you've got to hunt it out. Yeah.

Yeah. Certainly wouldn't be at the top of the hill, I wouldn't have thought though. But yeah. No laneways. No hills. They have to be one of those, know Wide entry doors Like saloon doors Or something Yes

Yep No No pushing Not at the end of a treadmill Not even Not even a door handle Or anything So someone's gut

Could possibly go up against And you couldn't reach the door Yeah Someone's buttery hand Can't get a grip on it Yeah Yeah You gotta think ahead

Well thanks Andrew Thanks you Fuck Um Thank you to Patreon subscriber Steven Kitto. Really?

Wow. Kitto. Now, do you think that's overwhelming for a young man in the schoolyard? Like it's pre-nicknamed. So do you go Kitto-o? Do you go Kitty? Yeah, I don't know. Kitto.

I mean, not everyone does that, do they? I mean, we do. Do they? I mean we do But I love a good Something-o Yeah it's great Yeah It's when you ran a gig At a bar called Sotto

Yeah The best Yeah yeah And it literally was called Sotto And you've never You ran a You ran a gig At a venue called Soft Belly

Yeah So that was Soft-o Soft-o Yep And then every other venue you've run It's just not it's just not, five boroughs, you can't do that. Portland, hotel.

Portland, Porto, kinder. I'm at the European Beer Cafe, Euro. Yeah, but we don't. We don't do that. Yeah, it just doesn't, something about it doesn't feel right. Yeah, okay. Gets, brings Soto back. Yeah.

Even though the whole venue has closed down, buy the space and reopen it. Maybe, maybe we just rename it like, you know, Andrew Reynolds is the fat man

for Fat Man Shop. Now we have just kiddos. Comedy for fat men. Kiddo. Kiddo comedy. Kiddo comedy. That's not bad. Yeah.

Kiddos. Kiddo. Stephen Kiddo. What, so how much, 75 kilos. 75. Yeah.

75 kilos. 75, yeah. 75 kilos. Kitto grams. He is significantly smaller than Andrew Reynolds, I would guess. I would say, yeah, look. What did you say, 75? 75. You know what? I'll go less again.

I'll go less again. I'll go 67. I think he's a small man. So close. He's a small man. So close to what? Me right now. Yeah.

Sitting next to me on the couch. You're welcome. Kiddo. Little kiddo. Kiddo. Yeah. Little old kiddo. Thanks, kiddo.

Right. Here we go. Let's get into some interesting names. Okay. Thanks, kiddo. But here we go. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. I'm sure we haven't done this.

Please let me have not done this name before. All right. Fergal Shannon. I reckon we've done it. Fuck. I reckon we've done it. Fuck. It doesn't come up on the list.

Well, who wrote the list? You? I'm looking it up now. I'm looking it up now. I'm looking it up now. Fuck, I don't think we've done it. Okay. We can do it again. I've got faith in you.

Some people have commented in the group that they've been done upwards of four times. But I'm really trying to get first-timers through. People complain when they haven't had their name read out yet, so I'm trying not to give people four-goes. Look, it's a very memorable name. I met someone at a pub when I did a gig in Newcastle recently whose girlfriend, much to his chagrin, hit me up and said, Hey, by the way, you haven't mentioned him on Patreon yet.

Tell Carl to put him on the list. And then I messaged you and said, this guy wants to be on the list. And you wrote back and said, tell him he can fucking wait. So where's he? Exactly. Well, he's coming. What do you mean exactly? You'd roll the dice on Fergal.

I've got you one here guaranteed. I've brought you one guaranteed hasn't been read out. And you're ignoring it. Well, what's the name? I don't remember. Well, then I can't read it out. Sorry for not committing this name to memory from three weeks ago. Well, I accept your apology.

Thank you. What a weight off my shoulders. I'm pretty sure you sent me the name. I looked it up and there's plenty of people that have been waiting longer than that. Okay, right. Well, you know who's not one of them? Who? Fergal.

Yeah. Well, I'm pretty sure this is the first one. Okay. Fergal Shannon. Which is remarkable considering how close that is to the only famous Fergal in the world, which is Fergal Sharky. I don't know who that is. And you don't even know who that is.

No. Yeah, right. Well, maybe we haven't done this because surely we would have had that discussion before. Totally. We would have had that exact same back and forth right then. I would have gone, everyone knows Fergal Sharkey, and you would have gone, I don't know who that is. It's a one-hit wonder from the 80s.

You know what? Look, I hate to make the listeners do work for us, but every time I've made a request for a supercut, someone has come through and it's been fucking wonderful. What I would like to hear is back-to-back audio of the times that we've said, have we talked about this and decided that we haven't and then gone and talked about it again. I would like to hear clips edited together of us telling the same story twice.

I would like to hear back-to-back the people that we've done four times on Patreon, the four different takes on those people. If someone can put that together, that would be great. Yeah, great, great. Yep. Great. Great. Fergal Shannon. What's life been like, Fergal Shannon, being a matter of four letters off being Fergal Sharky? Well, you've got to tell me who Fergal Sharky is.

He's a guy that- I'll just hear it in the supercut. Yeah. He's a guy that, he was a one-hit wonder. I think he was Irish. Mm-hmm. And he had a song in the 80s. So you think he was a one-hit wonder. Probably means he was a four-hit wonder. So you think he was a one-hit wonder.

Probably means he was a four-hit wonder. Yeah. He's definitely a one-hit wonder. And he looked a bit like the slimy guy that went out with Kirstie Alley in Cheers. Oh, okay. Yeah. Right. I think his name was – was it Robin Butler?

Like Robin something in Cheers, the character? I don't know who. The slimy boyfriend of Kirstie Alley? Anyway, he looked a lot like him. Right. There's another reference that you don't know. Yeah. So that helps.

Yeah. Well, no, I appreciate the context. Yeah. So Fergal, I would have said I would have thought Fergal was a lady. Well, no. But based on this Sharky character. Yeah. So there's bona fide evidence that this is a male name.

It's been at least a male name once. Right. Yeah, definitely. Hey, this could be the second time in history that a man has been called Fergal. Yeah. Fergal, let us know of any remarkable stories you have, just how your life's been ruined by Fergal Sharky. So I'm going to say if it's a male, 93 kilograms.

And if it's a female, no comment. Great. Well, I'm going to say if it's a male, 73. What did you say? I said 93. I'm going to say 73. And if it's a female, 170. That's my guess.

Yeah. Just got a feeling about it. Funny feeling. So you hear the name Fergal And you think Fat woman Yeah I think of a lady so fat That even Andrew Reynolds is like

Saying sorry We've got nothing for you here Well it's a menswear shop Yeah Well that's why Yeah Yeah Alright

Alright Prove us wrong, Fergal. Thanks, Fergal. Next up. Look. Another first timer. Jack, my tiny dick off. No.

So, look. This is someone that's already given to us on the internet. Has given us content back rather than contributions monetarily, but now is doing both or has been doing both for a while. Is this Wikipedia? No. This is. While I think of it, I keep forgetting to tell you.

What? Someone PayPal'd me $100 and said you and I should go out for dinner with it. Oh, fuck. So let's do that and we can talk about it. How long ago was that? Oh, like a couple of days ago. Right. Okay.

Let's go somewhere. Where can we go? Let's go to Hooters. Where's Hooters? I don't know. I just saw one on the days ago. Right. Okay. Great. Let's go somewhere. Where can we go? Let's go to Hooters. Where's Hooters? I don't know. I just saw one on the Gold Coast. Right. I thought maybe they were expanding.

If someone else can send us a couple of hundred other dollars and we'll use that as airfare. Let's get a mystery flight. Let's use that hundred dollars to go on one of those mystery flights. I fucking love that. Where they just fly to Newcastle and go sort yourselves out for two hours and then come back. I would love that. I would absolutely love that mystery flight.

It'd be awesome. I like mysteries. Yeah, that's great. A hundred bucks to go to dinner. Yeah. Where should we go? Where do you want to go? Where can we get for 50 bucks?

I mean, we can put in a bit more, but, you know. Yeah. But it's nice to sit there and have an absolutely free meal. Exactly. Without putting anything in. Exactly. But then it's pretty hard unless you go to a cheap place because you have a beer or two.

But we can go to like an elephant wheelbarrow, get a $20 parma each, and then you know what that means. We're just both strong-arming $30 worth of piss. Oh, nice. Doesn't that sound good? Nice. Maybe we should do the Patreon bonus episode on this guy's dollar. Yes. All right. Let's do that. Let's do that. Let's think of

somewhere to go and get the recorder out at dinner. It'll be like the trip. Yeah. Except it's just us in our own city. We're not going anywhere exotic. The tram trip. Yeah. That'd be good. We'll go across two suburbs. Yes. Alright, let's

do that. That'll be- Again, if we've ended the episode on a huge fight, this is a dinner that's just never going to happen. Let's not have any drink and just eat so much that we need to go to Andrew Reynolds afterwards. Great. Yeah. Thank you to Patreon subscriber, someone who's given to us muchly on Twitter, at dumdum90s. Oh!

Yeah. They've signed up under that name? Yeah, but they've given their secret identity on the email. But I don't want to know. I didn't look at it too much. You don't want the fans turning up at their house and mobbing them. No. Which I'm a huge fan of, at dumdum90s.

It is very funny. On Twitter. It's a very good take. It's one of those ones where every time I do something, I don't think they ever fuck up. I'm always like, yep, you've got it. You've done it. On Twitter. It's a very good take. It's one of those ones where every time I do something, I don't think they ever fuck up. I'm always like, yep, you've got it. You've done it. All right.

Guessing the weight. So based on the fact that they like the podcast, they subscribe to the podcast. And not only that, they've set up a fan social media account of the podcast. I'm going to guess. You're going to say something skinny? What's the fattest that it's possible to be?

Like what's the biggest weight you can get to? Yeah. You know what? Is it like 999? No. You can't. What? And then you die at 1,000.

Is that it? Yeah. It's like an actual, you know, like a video game or something. Yeah. Right. You get the kill screen. Yeah. It's like an actual, you know, like a video game or something. Yeah. Right. You get the kill screen. Yeah, right. What if you just ate another roast chicken and you just started again?

It clocked over. Oh, that's not bad. But it's like in a video, when typically sometimes when you finish a video game, you get to restart. But like with all the, you know, extra health and weapons that you've accumulated. Right. So you're born again but you're the weight that you were. You reincarnate as an animal or whatever but you're as fat as you were when you died in the previous life.

Right. Well, I don't believe that to be the case. So what's your guess? What's your guess? 800 kilograms. I don't think he's anywhere near as fat as that, to be honest. So it is a he. Well.

But you've got insider information. Yes. Because you've got the real name. Yeah, but that's not insider information on someone's weight. Stick insect. Barry, 82 kilos. No. So, you know what?

Here's my inside information. I know that he's from Canberra or the ACT. The fattest state in the country. Too fat to even be in a normal state. He has to be in his own territory. He ate a lot of fireworks. There's literal fat cats up in Canberra. He what, sorry?

He came to the live show that we did in Canberra. Yes. And he hit me up afterwards where he took a picture and said on Twitter or whatever it was. That's right, because you were outraged. You were very disappointed that you didn't get a chance to meet the great man. Totally, totally. And I don't remember seeing any 800 kilo people there. What if it's the PM?

What if it's literally the PM? Well, again, I don't remember seeing Malcolm Turnbull there. Yeah, but, you know, maybe he snuck in late. We had a lot of latecomers at the gig. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We couldn't see very well. All right. Well, maybe it is.

I mean, you don't even remember what you've said on stage at these things, let alone faces in the crowd. So you think I could possibly forget that the Prime Minister of Australia was at the show? I would not put it past you. All right. Well, I'm going to consider it. We did it.

Was it at the start of this year where there were two weeks? You tried to tell the same story in two consecutive weeks. All right. Maybe it was Malcolm then. Maybe he was there. Thanks, Malcolm. Thanks, Malcolm. Thanks, Dom.

Thanks, Dom. Thanks, At90s. Yep. Keep up the great work. Yep. Great. Thank you At90s. Yep. Keep up the great work. Yep. Great. Thank you. All right.

All right. I guess we will just do a couple more. Oh, okay. All right. Well, this is – What's happening, Carl? I'm just dealing with the software. They've just –

Okay. Has it gone into an update? Yeah. Why don't you say do it later? No, but I've just got this thing where it's like – yeah, look, what a weird update, but it's just allowing me to do one more. I've just got a limit per day. Fucking hell.

Boomers and technology. This is – No, this is not me. This is – Try turning it off and on again. No, it's got a daily limit. It's like the bank where you can only take such and such out. It's like Candy Crush.

It's locked us out for using it too much. Yeah, it's – yeah, I've just got one more. We can pay money or we can try and get five of our friends on Facebook to start using the random name generator. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. But if it's only five each week, we've done more than five before. We've done nothing but more than five before, I assume. Yeah.

I don't listen back. So why is it only – This is the 2000 – this must be – look, this is one of these updates. This is like the Apple thing where they rig it to suck the battery life and fuck with it and whatever. So they've changed it in 2018. Yeah, yeah. Look, there's going to be a big uproar, I bet, about this,

about the random name generator. Yeah, I'll bet. They're trying to fuck with us. Gizmodo are going to fucking go insane over this one. We'll get free upgrades, free software next week, I bet. It's a shame because, yeah, I swear we've done – I mean, I do listen back, but I can't count. Right.

Okay. Well, we've probably – why would you bring up the number of names we've been reading? So, it's not like it would have been obvious. Okay. Well, this will have to be the last one. This will be the last one. It's a shame because this has been good.

Yeah. We could have done this for another 20 minutes or something. Easily. Easily. Okay. Anyway, well, let's see what we got cooked up for the last one. What do we get to play with? Well, this is interesting.

Your brow is all furrowed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'll do that. It's a doozy. It'll do Well, this is interesting. Your brow is all furrowed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This must be a doozy. It'll do that when something's interesting. Stop me if we've done this one before again. Okay. But thank you to Patreon subscriber, The Easter Comedy. Now, we did Santa comedy a few weeks ago.

This is… We did do… Yeah, we did Santa comedy but it was… You know is – We did do – yeah, we did Santa comedy, but it was – You know what this will be? You know what this is? This is people complain because the Easter comedy gets in earlier every year, straight after Christmas. Well, that was going to be my question.

We did Santa comedy, but we did Santa comedy in extremely close proximity to Christmas. Yeah. It seems weird that we would do the Easter comedy now rather than holding off for when Easter actually is. Like I said, you know, like the hot cross buns people complain about it getting earlier every year. Yeah.

These people are going to complain about the Easter comedy getting early this year. Someone's just rung your doorbell. I know. Let's wrap this up. Speaking of things coming early. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Well. This will surely be Nazeem.

Thanks, Easter. Thanks, everyone who supports the show on Patreon. We really appreciate it. LittleDumbDumbClub.com for the links to the Patreon. You can go answer it. I'll just wrap this up. Okay. All the live show information.

I'll just do this early. Yeah. All the live show information, all the Patreon, all of that stuff. LittleDumbDumbClub.com. Thank you very much for listening, and we'll see you next time. Carl, yell out from down the hallway. See you, mates.