The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 381 - Dave Thornton & Nick Mason

Episode Date: January 23, 2018

It's the return of the super handsome DAVE THORNTON and The Idiot Bus Driver NICK MASON! We pry ourselves away from the ice cream van for just long enough to hear about our recent inclusion in an exhibition at the National Gallery of Victoria, plus we follow up on the fallout of our live Maryborough episode and there's even time to ask Maso some tram questions! Click HERE to download the MP3Don't forget, we have a bunch of huge live shows coming up:BRISBANE: We're coming back for an afternoon of huge live podcasts! MARCH 10.ADELAIDE: God help us, we're coming back. Don't make us regret it. MARCH 17MELBOURNE: We've got a month of awesome live shows happening for the month of APRIL. KOH SAMUI: The Koh Samui International Podcast Festival is happening again in 2018 with guests The Dollop! JUNE 13 - 18. For tickets, merchandise, links to our Patreon and heaps of other stuff, head to our website: littledumdumclub.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Nick Mason and Dave Thornton. And if you like what you hear on this show, we have a Patreon that you can donate to. You can support the show from that. It is very much appreciated. You can find the details at littledumbdumbclub.com. We send out bonus episodes, We send out a magazine. And we roast people's names who subscribe.

You can hear that at the end of the episode. But first of all, Carl, what have we got coming up? Where can people see us? We have got – we're doing a live show in Brisbane. We're doing a double episode up in Brisbane on the 10th of March. Go to our website, littledumbumbCob.com For tickets to that You forgot if it was a.com A.org

A.net Oh well CarlChandler.com.au It's.au So I'm getting mixed up with that Right Yep So Brisbane

Brisbane are always great As Brisbane know They know they're the best Speaking of the best What have we got coming up the week after that? Anything? The best place Technically nothing

The best place to get real deep depression At the lack of ticket sales Yep What have we got coming up the week after that? Anything? Technically nothing. The best place to get real deep depression at the lack of ticket sales. Adelaide. Adelaide, March 17. Rings a bell. I've heard the name before maybe. Again, a big double episode. Heaps of special guests in town.

It's going to be heaps of fun regardless of how many people are in the room. Buy a ticket for that. It's going to be awesome. He's just getting grumpier and grumpier, guys. Come on. You guys don't know this. I'm the one running the tickets. Every couple of days I get a message going, how's it selling?

I have to tell him the number. I have to see his little heartbreak. Do this for me. If you're not going to do it for both of us, do this to me because I can't bear to look at that sad, grim face anymore. Well, this will make you feel a bit better. The month of April in Melbourne. Ah, hooray! Bumper live episodes every Sunday at the European Beer Cafe. Huge guests

in town. One of the absolute highlights of our year every year. Those shows just get better and better. Always an awesome month. I love Brisbane and Melbourne. I sound full of positivity. Those cities are great. Me too. I love other things as well though. No, they're the only things I love Brisbane and Melbourne. I'm full of positivity. Those cities are great. Me too. I love other things as well though. No, they're the only things I love I think.

The month of April, those are always awesome. You can save a bit of money. You can get a season pass ticket which will get you all four shows for a discounted price as well as guaranteed priority entry to the drunk cast on the final night after the final one which is the 29th of April?

No, not at all. Okay. It's the week before. The 22nd. I believe so. Yes. Well, then, whenever that last one is after that, priority access to that.

All of this information is at littledumbdumbclub.com. We also, of course, looking further ahead into the year, have the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival. It's us plus the dollop doing live podcasts. Well, you've said there's only two things you like. So, unfortunately, Melbourne and Brisbane, you blew your load on that. So, you're not allowed to like Koh Samui. Well, I guess I'll do it still.

It's a favour to you that I'll go there. Well, I really appreciate that. You owe me one. You can call this my birthday and Christmas present. I'll go there. Oh, well, I really appreciate that. You owe me one. You can call this my birthday and Christmas present.

So that's going to be five, four days of podcasts, stand-up shows, heaps of awesome stuff. All of the information for all of this stuff, littledumbdumbclub.com. We will be back here at the end of the episode with more information about all this stuff and the Patreon read. But in the meantime, enjoy this ripper of an episode with Nick Mason and Dave Thornton. Hey, mates.

Welcome once again to another episode of The Little Dumb Dumb Club. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo and sitting across from me is the other half of the podcast, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. I'm all energised. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo and sitting across from me is the other half of the podcast, Carl Chandler. G'day Dickhead. I'm all energised. Are you? You're revved up. I've got a bit of blood sugar happening now. Yeah.

Just off the top of the show. I'm, you know, I hadn't had any dinner but now I've got a bit of sugar going through the system. And where pray tell did you get that sugar from? I got it from the ice cream truck that drove around the corner from your house five minutes ago. You and I were sitting here waiting for the guests to turn up. We heard the familiar sound of... Which I have got to be honest, I've never heard that in real life.

Oh, really? I didn't know that was a thing that real life ice cream vans did. And you got up and did a big run for the door. And I'm like, great. And I ran out and then I realised, oh, you were just doing a funny comical run, like as if you would run for the ice cream van. I'm like, I'm fucking getting ice cream. I ran for and then I realised, oh, you were just doing a funny comical run, like as if you would run for the ice cream van. I'm like, I'm fucking getting ice cream. I ran for it.

Yeah. Well, we get out the front and I thought it was just going to be funny for us to wave at this guy. He waves back. You then go into the street and go, no, no, no, pull over. So he pulls over. Then there's two girls walking along. They see you, a grown-ass man going towards the ice cream van.

They start laughing at you and you look back and go, what? It's ice cream. No, I said, what are you guys doing? Get an ice cream. I think they thought it was like some kind of fake ice cream truck. But it seemed to me, because it looked to me like you got the ice cream, then he drove off without the music on. No, no, no.

He put the music back on. No, no, no. It's classic. You know, he didn't have a full time DJ on there. He was in between tracks. on. No, no, no. It's classic. He didn't have a full-time DJ on there. He was in between tracks. Yeah. Right? There's no mix straight in between.

There's no fucking mega mix happening with the ice cream truck. I just figured it was like a 10-second loop that just goes for eternity. No, no, no. Right? I don't think so. He'd be rapped. I wonder if that's the first time that he's ever thought, maybe I'll pop the music on in between drives and just see what happens.

No, but that's exactly what... You're saying he's rapped. That's what an ice cream truck's for. You play the fucking attractive music to lure the people out of their houses. All the sexy music. That's exactly what he does. He just justified what he does for a living. You put the music on, I run out of the door, buy an ice cream,

he keeps doing that down the street. Don't be surprised. That's the business model. You should have tried to get him to sponsor this podcast. We'll just play the jingle on here. Play our podcast on the ice cream van. Yeah, there you go. Get the nerds out of the house and they're going to want the ice cream.

Joining us today, two great friends of the show. First of all, you know him from The Project, from Fox FM Breakfast. It's Dave Thornton. Yay! Hey, you probably don't know this, Tommy, but I actually only live around the corner, so it didn't take me long to get here. All right, mate.

And I just saw in the local leader that they said that undercover cops were actually looking for a pedophile ring by going around with an ice cream truck to see if 40-year-olds would come out. And it looks like they got their first catch, which is nice. That was a very young ice cream that I bought, mate. Mate, I saw it. I parked just as you ran out and I heard the, yes! Saw him run out like they were handing out free flights to Thailand.

No, I ran out like there was ice cream in a truck. That's what I ran out like. Yeah, mate, the Mickey Mouse cone is all well and good, but you got any Pad Thai in the background? It's the perfect... Do you know the Thai national anthem? Because that will really get me going if you play that jingle. Fuck, that'll be good.

That's what they need. Curry in a cone. Also joining us, you know him from the weekly Planet podcast and from putting his dick into Thomas the Tank Engine's exhaust pipe, it's Nick Mace-O-Mason. I'm back. The idiot bus driver has returned. I'm back, guys.

I'm back. I suspected it was a trap, but I'm back. The idiot bus driver has returned. I'm back, guys. I'm back. I suspected it was a trap, but I'm back anyway. Yeah. Also, thanks, guys. Yeah, we just put a big juicy buttocks of a bus out the front and you fell right into the trap. Thank you. Now, you guys, new guests were coming and you did see an ice cream truck.

No guests, no ice cream for myself or Diamond Dave Thornton. No. What's going on there? No, no. Wow. Because I wanted ice cream. Yes. And I don't think anyone. What's going on there? No. No. Wow. Because I wanted ice cream. Yes. And I don't think anyone else deserved it.

I hadn't had my dinner. I didn't think that far ahead. Tommy didn't even bother running over to, you know, I've only got two pairs of hands. That's true. So I couldn't have ever done it if I wanted to. Look, you've stated your case and I respect it. All right.

But may so. Like, I've seen him play indoor soccer. Yes. I've seen him play indoor soccer. I've seen him sitting across from here. That curmudgeon never runs. He would run two metres tops. And it was a blur when I saw him out the front of Tommy's house.

That is not entirely true. That was my dessert. I was just jammed. I just went. Yeah, that's why I felt like I didn't need an ice cream. I just watched the childlike joy in your face and I went, this is sweet enough for me. Yeah, that is so true.

I've had my just desserts. It's a perfect food because you've got the cone. You eat everything. There's no packaging. I just wish there was more of that cone technology seeping through to other food. Finally someone's bolstering up the ice cream. This has turned into you think we're having an attack at the ice cream industry in general. Any sort of negativity towards ice cream to me is just ridiculous.

There's an ice cream van. It's the best thing in the world. You run out there. You get it. And you guys are going, I can't believe someone wanted ice cream. You fucking idiots. No one said that.

You should be chasing it now. No one said that. You should be chasing it right now. That's what we want, Carl. You should be driving your fucking tram down the middle of that street even though there's no tracks down there to get some ice cream. Why don't you drive an ice cream tram? Now there is an idea.

Oh, that's an idea. There's an idea. That's an idea. I reckon the ice cream truck people must look at the current food truck boom and everyone going, how cool and new and hip is this? And be fucking hating it. Like they've been doing that for 30 years and no one gave a shit. Was the ice cream truck driver, was he a little bit sad?

I find it's an industry where people, they're a little bit sad because like technology is like you can just Uber Eats anything and all the shops are open 24 hours a day. Yeah, that's true. It was a bit antiquated. He had the, you know, there was no F-Pos in the van. Yeah, right, no pay wave. No, no, no pay wave at all.

There was just the old, you know, that van. And he only accepts pounds. There was, yeah, and it was the old, look, to be honest, the negative was it was the old school cone. Oh, here we go. Stop shitting all over the ice cream. What's your problem? Do you mean the kind of, so it's not a waffle cone that's wrapped around.

Yeah, you want the waffle. Yeah, you want the waffle. Yeah, you've got the old school sort of one where it's like, that could have been in the van since the 50s, those ones. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, is this lime with asbestos? Is that how they used to make these? Because in the texture of it you go,

I can't tell the difference between a stale one and a new one. Yes, yes. There's no difference. Was it legit Mr Whippy? No. No, it was ice cream. No, it was Senor Whippy. But this is the thing with those vans.

When do you reckon was the last new one that they put into commission? Because every ice cream van that you see down the beach or whatever is just absolutely weathered. There's a picture of Mickey Mouse that you can barely see because it's so sun bleached and faded. They're never doing any touch-ups with the paint. What, are you looking for a stretch limo, Mr Whippy or something? What sort of modern vehicle?

Yeah, like one that Exhibit's got his hands on, just kind of pimped up a bit. X-Box in the back, some like blue lights underneath it. Man, I said as a joke. Yeah, it's a Hummer, mate. It's a Hummer, okay? I said as a joke, it's a genuinely fucking great idea. If they did like some sort of pop-up ice cream tram,

whacked it on the city loop, how good is that? That would be amazing. It could follow the restaurant tram. Yeah, exactly. You shift over the dessert tram. The dessert tram. Yes. Can you put in a word? I'll put in a word. Yeah, exactly. You shift over the dessert tram. The dessert tram. Yes. Can you put in a word?

I'll put in a word. Tram HQ. How many people are then going, I couldn't get on the dessert. I really couldn't. I'll get on the dessert tram. I'll get up for a little bit. I could barely fit it in. But you know what?

Because then you could get on that tram, swipe on. That's your four bucks for an ice cream or whatever. You don't even need to bring the money onto it. You swipe on. It's Mikey powered. I get it. I like it. You're buying ice cream or whatever. You don't even need to bring the money onto it. You swipe on. It's Mikey Powered. I get it. I like it. You're buying ice cream with your Mikey card.

But this seems like the kind of thing like you say. Why aren't you guys getting as excited as I am about this? I feel like I've had a genuine fucking Einstein moment. And you guys are like, okay, what else? This sounds like the kind of thing that, you know, like you go, what if there was an ice cream tram? It seems like the sort of thing, you know, like Broadsheet and those websites every now and then will go,

for one day we are in conjunction with this company. We're making an ice cream tram. It seems like the sort of thing, you know, like Broadsheet and those websites every now and then will go, for one day we are, in conjunction with this company, we're making an ice cream tram. Yes. And you get excited and you get on and it's just one cunt with a box of Paddle Pops. You're just handing him out, he's got eight there, and they all get used up and he's gone. Still sounds all right.

Except you can't eat the stick. Well, hey, you make it happen. Yeah. I can't make it happen. Go down to my local milk bar, get a bunch of cheap ice creams. I've come up with the idea. You know what? Fucking Edison didn't go down and hand-stitch all the elements

and fucking whatever, right? I'm the ideas man. He didn't just say the idea out loud and go, well, that'll do. Well, someone's got to do it though. I don't think Edison got really shitty at all these mates. It is hard. Yeah. Hey, I thought of the telephone. Why aren't you rejoicing

you fuckhead? Oh, well I bet Edison wasn't sitting around going, what about if there was light in here instead of these shit candles and everyone's like oh anyway, what else is going on? If you were Edison, you'd invent the light bulb and then glass people with it. Mark my words, someone will steal this idea. I better fucking get credit for it.

The ice cream tram in Melbourne is a pop-up tram. Who's going to steal it? Like who's going to build their own rogue dessert tram and just drive it around? Lots of people. There's rules and regulations, Carl. There's goddamn billionaires that listen to this podcast. That is also a good idea to make your own tram

and whack it on the tracks that already exist. That's a good... Yeah, just steal a Dodgem car and tap in. Yeah, because the tram line surely is a bit like the control at the airports, right? Where they know what's in the air and everything. So everyone knows where all the trams are at all points, don't they? That's right.

Yeah, so if you whack on an ice cream, build your ice cream tram from home, put it on the trailer, bring it into the city, whack it onto the tracks, that's going to cause some proper accidents, isn't it? I like to think it's... It could only be cleared up with some free ice cream, probably. I like to think it's... That could only be cleared up with some free ice cream probably. I like to think it's a bit more like an unguarded Wi-Fi network. Oh, yeah.

You know, it's just there. There's no password. You can just get your own. You can just get the equipment, line it up on the rails, line it up on the little power line thing and just go for gold. Okay. That's true. It's like the Birdman Rally of public transport.

Exactly. See how far you can get. The record is like eight feet before someone gets electrocuted. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, great. I'm See how far you can get. The record is like eight feet before someone gets electrocuted. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to see you two. You know how like in jail movies from the 50s and you just escape out of those little push tram cars? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So it's Maceo and Carl. They've got a couple of tubs of ice cream around them. In the summer. You're pushing it up and down. Yeah, but then they start that and they realise it's flat because they've got no hands free to eat the ice cream with. No, but you're pushing those things and that's not only transporting you along

but that's pushing the ice cream out of the squirted little thing as well. Oh, not bad. The squirted little thing. The squirt is okay, right. So this is someone else's job to figure out what the names of things are. I just have the raw genius and then everyone else can fill in the blanks. This is the worst episode of Shark Tank ever.

All right, so you've said the elevator pitch. What have you done to convince us that we should give you meal? I don't know, fucking you guys work it out. Just build some ice cream squirters. It's fun. Carl's the potty mouse, Steve Jobs, and all the rest of us are the Wozniaks. Just fucking do it.

Name it after a fucking fruit or whatever and take it away. That's your presentation. Well, we could, I mean, we could do this because, yeah, for people that haven't heard Meso on the show before or are familiar with his own podcast and work, you drive a tram in Melbourne. I do drive a tram. This is actually a really good combination because sometimes I have,

you know, I have my own podcast and sometimes I'm like, oh, it's pretty good. It's getting a lot of traction, got a lot of listeners. You know, I'm moving up in the world kind of thing. And sometimes I come to work on my day job and I get into a tram with Dave Thornton's face on it and I'm like, oh, I've still got a ways to go in this showbiz. Do I get a free ride because of that?

Oh. Just that tram, I think, yeah. We've talked about this because my comedy festival post is on a tram now, whatever goes. Yeah, and then mate took a photo and I was like, I should get a free fucking ride. talked about this because my comedy festival post is on a tram now whatever goes and yeah and then mate took a photo and I was like I should get a free fucking ride

it would be an interesting discussion to have with the officer who's trying to give you the fine yeah right just hop off for one sec take a look at that what do you think

there goes the beer just can you just point at that and go whack it on my tab mate yeah just like I'm already paying for that that is true just put it on top of that

that's actually heartbreaking looks like a pretty good show doesn't it turn a blind eye maybe a couple free tickets come your way put it on top of that. That's actually heartbreaking. Looks like a pretty good show, doesn't it, Turner Blindo? Maybe a couple of free tickets come your way. What do you think of that, champ? Papa's got some sugar. Now give me a fucking ice cream.

I can also get you the inside track on this new ice cream train. Well, we could spend a day with a couple of boxes of Paddle Pops where we sit on Nick Mason's tram line and we just advertise what time tram we're going to be on there. Listeners can just come and hop on and get a Paddle Pop if they want. If someone listens to this show that works at Peter's or what's another ice cream company? Streets.

Streets. Streets. If anyone works for any of them, we are happy to be the face of the ice cream tram. Please, if you know anyone that works, we are very, very happy to be in charge of this campaign. Well, we could have been. You and I auditioned for a Maxi Bon ad

and you dropped the C word within a minute of walking into the room. Did I? You did. Did you? Incredible. We go in and we do one take and the director goes, all right, just try it a bit more angrier.

And he goes, permission to be a cunt? Accept it. And I just went, oh, I might just walk out. There's not much point sticking around now. Spoiler alert, I didn't want the job. And Tommy, your opinions are relevant. Exactly. I only went in there because I had to.

So, it's fine. I thought, you know, show a bit of moxie. Yeah. No, they did. I mean, oh, look, you could tell from their reactions. They'd never seen anything quite like it. Hey, don't hem me in suits. Alright. You're a little bit biscuit end for us. You know, we're looking for someone who's a bit like the safer end of the ice cream

I didn't think that would be the pitch for us That we're one end of the ice cream each I didn't know Yeah, it's almost like you didn't know the pitch Or read the script No, not to swear Well, if you're fishing, what's your favourite ice cream? While you're fishing now for just anyone to donate

You might as well This is like Oprah, it's the secret. You've got to decide exactly what you want. I mean, that's what killed me about that audition is the Maxi Bond is mine. Oh, really? Oh, my goodness. It would have been a real, you know, whatever, a dream come true. You know, it just would have been a dream come true

for me to be the face of Maxi Bond and, you know. And Carl, metaphorically and literally. I'd just like to say officially on the show, suck shit. Thank you for being big enough to admit that my favourite package one because I'm a big

cone fan oh no shit brother 420 for life you can take the kid out of Maryborough that's more of a bucket fan yeah when the van

drives past my house playing Led Zeppelin, I'm going to be racing out into the street to catch that bad boy. I have been listening to a lot of Black Sabbath today, so that's actually true. So I would say the packaged ice cream, favourite packaged ice cream, I would say the drumstick. Oh, not bad. Not bad at all.

The rich man's Cornetto. You notice that? Is there any difference? Yes. Drumstick's better. Not bad at all. The Rich Man's Cornetto. You notice that? Is there any difference? Yes. Drumstick's better. Drumstick's better. Cornetto's a bit home brand. It's very generic.

Is Drumstick the one that's got shit into the bottom of the cone? Not shit, but good stuff. There's one of them that just kind of bottoms out about halfway down. Yeah, yeah. Cornetto's the cheaper version. Drumstick's pretty pound for pound, goes all the way down. There's a lot in there. And it's a classic.

Like that's your blue chip ice cream. Well, you think Cornetto. Cornetto sounds good. Like that's old school as well. You think they'd both be good, but someone's cutting corners and it ain't the drumstick. I think the base level ice cream is the Paddle Pop. That's where it all starts.

I would have said the Icy Pole. Oh, yeah. Does that still count as an ice cream then? Probably not. It definitely does not. Maiso, favourite ice cream? Yeah, I like a banana Paddle Pop. It's pretty good and also the icy pole. Oh, yeah. Does that still count as an ice cream then? Probably not. It definitely does not. Maiso, favourite ice cream? Yeah, I like a banana paddle pop. It's pretty good and also the Gay Times.

Gay Times. Gay Times. We're trying to talk about ice cream, Maiso. Gay Times neck and neck with the Maxi Bond for me. Yeah. Thorno, what have you got? Oh, look, when I was younger, I used to like the Bubba Lo Bill, but then the chewing gum was always disappointing.

It was hard as shit and then it would just lose its flavour real quick. And it's not, you don't want it after, you know, when your mouth's cold from the ice cream, you don't want to chew gum. I know, but I always went back to the trough, I was always like, how can you put this much in just one sweet? Yeah. There's chocolate on the back,

we've got ice cream, we've got chewing gum, sweet cheese. He's got a bullet through his hat, so this motherfucker is dangerous. And cheese. He's got a bullet through his hat. So this motherfucker is change-ers. And also, it's insane. That whole idea is insane because you got the chewing gum last. You got the dessert after you eat ice cream. The ice cream is a dessert. But then you've got to have chewing gum after it?

Yeah. That makes no sense. You don't have gum as a dessert after a dessert. Doesn't it? Or does it make all the sense, mate? No, it makes none of it. Okay, fair enough. Thank you. I thought I kept the conversation. Keep the ball in the air, mate? No, it makes none of it Okay, fair enough Thank you

I thought I kept the conversation Keep the ball in the air, you know, radio skills Yeah, yeah, yeah Man, you're just, I can see you just sweating that you can't go to a phone call right now I needed an out, I needed a strong out that's going to make the teasers Well, this will be, because it's always on a delay here So the socials are going to be just awash this week With people just tweeting us their favourite ice cream.

Doesn't matter what happened in our lives this week, but now that we've talked about novelty ice creams and shit. No condolences for missing out on a national ad campaign. No. No, just I prefer a Barney banana. Yep, yep. So wait, did they need both of you for the Maxi Bon ad? Yeah.

It was a double act. Sure, of course. It was a double act. You like this. It was a double act that they hadn't written yet. So what they got us to do was to go in and read a little passage from Meet the Parents. You're kidding me. Wow.

You guys are the comedy Jew of the 2000s. Wait, you're like Laurel and Tardy. No, it was actually more like the sequel, Meet the Fuckheads. It was, yeah, we, like, but not even, I say passage, it was like more like the sequel, Meet the Fuckheads. It was, yeah, we like, but not even, I say passage, it was like a bit from the script where it's like De Niro just giving, like talking to Ben Stiller's character

and he just says about, you know, a paragraph of text and then Ben Stiller's character just goes, okay. So it was like, now try it the other way around. It's like, we're not really mixing up the roles. It's just one person talking and then the other one around it's like we're not really mixing up the roles it's just one person talking and then the other one talking that's weird

yep anyway starting to think we won't get it yeah well I was starting to think that when they said absolutely no I was starting to think that when we walked in

and there was a big photo of a friend of ours on the table with text underneath saying this is the guy nice I was starting to think that when I rang that guy to say hey I'm thinking about doing an audition for them is the guy. Nice. I was starting to think that when I rang that guy to say,

hey, I'm thinking about doing an audition for them and the guy saying, I've already been offered that role. Are you serious? Yeah. So anyway, ice cream talk over for this week, I think. I'm calling it. I think you'll come back around. We'll come back.

All right, we'll take a break. I do genuinely think we should spend a day on Meso's tram line giving out ice creams. Yeah, as long as someone gets behind it. I'm not giving out my own ice creams. Okay. That would be insane. Someone donate ice creams to us and we'll do it. Someone get on board.

Peters, Streets. This is how this conversation started. You don't know any of the other companies. Who's got some favourites? Here we go. No, the beach ice creams. Remember those ones where at Christmas or whatever you go down the Here we go. No, the beach ice creams. Remember those ones where like at Christmas or whatever you go down the beach and there'd be those weird beach ice creams?

Yes. Their own brand? Whatever they were, the ones that came from Colac or fucking whatever? Yeah, yeah. Some of those people. Get on board. Buller. Get Buller on board.

What about an Everest treat like a Barchi or a Tartufo? What about those? Giving them out on a tram. Yeah, I know, right? Weird. Yeah, a bit weird. Permission to dive back into the ice cream chat for one second. Okay.

I don't mind an Eskimo pie. All right, yeah. Pretty good. That is pretty good. Monaco bar. What's the issue, though? Are they allowed to sell this kind of confectionery on a tram, Mesa? But we're not selling it.

Okay, giving it away. Giving it away. Giving it away, that's a good question. I mean, they do, people do promotions. Like, it's always, there's always an attempt to do something. Like, there's always, like, comedy on the tram. Yeah. Like, a fringe film.

That happened once. Like, actually, there's a friend of mine. There's always comedy on the tram. It happened once. Well, a friend of mine at work the other day was like, oh, hey, you do this podcast. What's going on here? Because I don't tell anybody about the podcast at work.

You're ashamed. Yeah, I'm ashamed. It's podcasting. Because it's a nerdy one I don't tell anybody About the podcast At work You're ashamed Yeah I'm ashamed It's podcasting Because it's a nerdy One for virgins And it's podcasting Yeah both of those things But he's like It's about comic books

Yeah Right It's about Aquaman Every week Didn't you just open A filing cabinet Full of mad magazines We'll get onto that

In your hometown On stage We'll get onto that And Doctor Who books Oh yeah great Good stuff Anyway so he's like And pornos

Oh hello And I'm back That's obviously a man That's getting heaps of sex He's calling it And Doctor Who books. Oh, yeah, great. Good stuff. Anyway, so he's like... And pornos. Oh, hello. And I'm back. That's obviously a man that's getting heaps of sex. He's cool again. All right, I love it. I would just flick between the two. I'd go between Hawkman and Pamela Anderson. Here he is, Carl's nuts deep in Marajama.

They tried to fringe one year. Xavier, your friend of the show, Xavier Michael, he's done comedy on the tram once. It did not work. Anyway, a friend of mine at work was like- It did not work, and who are you blaming, that on Xavier or the tram? Yeah, I'm blaming Xavier.

What, was he like, can I have a look at your ticket? A deep cut for any old fans of the show. A friend of mine at work is like, hey, do you do this podcast or whatever? You know Will Anderson? And I'm like, I did a podcast, well, I know him a little bit kind of thing. And he like i know i know a big name comedian as well i'm gonna get him i spoke to him he was in town he's from the u.s i spoke to him the other day and uh next

time he comes into town uh him and me we're gonna set up a secret gig on the tram and i'm like that's incredible and he's like have you heard of michael winslow oh and i'm like man of a thousand sound effects from the police academy movies of course i have so that's coming up i'll let you know what happens really yeah so you don't even need to hit the ding ding button anymore he's there he's there to do that the tram doesn't even need to move he can just do the sound of the tracks and people will think they're in brunswick hold on a. He can do green sleeves and then you've got your ice cream tray. He can do everything for the rest of our lives. A Black Mirror episode where everything has been replaced by Michael Winslow.

And he's impersonating you two doing your podcast. Put your feet up. Big brother with Michael Winslow as big brother, just taking over everything. Oh wow. So you told us was that you had a breaking tram story when you came in here. See I assume any time I'm brought onto this it's for tram stories. And if you'd asked me a couple of hours ago

I have some tram questions. Should I save them or shoot them now? Knowing you I bet these are the exact same ones you asked last time he was on the show. Go for gold. I really tried not to have them, yeah, the same ones. Well, you know what? Off the top of what we've already talked about. I haven't rooted a tram.

All right, second question. I haven't gotten to first, second or third base with a tram. All right, third question. This stuff writes itself. How frigid are trams? Or you. We're talking about the ice cream van Would you drive an ice cream van

If it paid As much as the tram Do I drive it Same hours 12 months of a year Same Everything the same job All the hours and everything

You just And the same money Same route Same route You still get to fuck the ice cream truck. Okay, terrific. Good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, good. My dream finally realised. I probably would because on the tram you take people's money and they get nothing in return. But you don't take their money though. Yeah, no, that's true. But they perceive it like I'm taking their money. Right, right.

But on the ice cream truck they're giving me their money. Yeah. They get delicious ice cream. Okay. So wait, you think that when people pay to get on the ice cream truck they're giving me their money they get delicious ice cream so wait you think that when people pay to get on the tram in your mind

you think that they get nothing for it that's how little value you place in the work that you do you think that getting from A to B is absolutely valueless

no I think they perceive it as valueless it's like paying a car rego you pay like 800 bucks and you're like what am I getting out of this? You're right. It does feel like, I'm paying to be on this thing, but then I'm just standing here and just

moving. Exactly. Or not moving. And it was going somewhere anyway. I've just sort of hitchhiked in a little way. But they're ripping me off. So, that's a yes. Okay. Is there a full opt-in? I'll think of one.

Okay, good. No. So you would take it if someone... I guess so. You guess so? I think it'll be... Yeah, it could be fun. Same money.

Okay, all right. No, interesting. No, so that'll go out there to all the listeners as well that employ ice cream trucks, ice cream vans. Sure. So that you're on the market apparently. Okay, great. You're up for a job swap for a sea change.

Absolutely. What about for $1 less a year? No. Absolutely not. I have standards. Okay, great. You're up for a job swap? For a sea change? Absolutely. What about for $1 less a year? No, absolutely not. I have standards. There we go. These parasites, they just take and take. There's no love in your job, is there?

I'm in a union. You will not take that dollar away from me. I think we've talked about this on the show before but it's now become my favourite thing as well, but you got me onto a car, was you say to someone, what amount of money to do this? They name their price, they say, what, 10,000? What would you do, how much would you

have to take to drive an ice cream truck a year? I wouldn't do it for under 100 grand. Okay, 99,000. Yeah, well I was ready to do it as Maceo, but he played me off too well Well see, I always suspect this is a trap Like when Tommy offered Normally when somebody asks me to be on their podcast

I'm like, oh that's so nice that they've asked It's great that they were thinking of me And when Tommy asked me if I'd like to be on the podcast I'm like, what's he got on me? I was sitting in messenger window Those dots were dancing for quite a while I'm like, what have I done that's embarrassing recently that I thought I've swept under the rug?

But these pricks have eyes and ears everywhere. That leads me to question two. Yes, here we go. Why did you fuck a... No. Alright, if someone was getting stabbed on a tram, what would you do? I'd probably call the police. Is that what you... You probably would.

What's the other option? Just keep driving. No, the other option would be get out of the cabin. Right. And confront... What kind of guy is this? Or girl who's doing the stabbing. What sort of guy? Does that make a difference as to your actions?

Say it's me. Say I'm stabbing someone. I could take you. You could take me? Yeah. So you wouldn't call the cops? You'd go vigilante? How big's the knife?

Like half a Mick Dundee knife Half of that's a knife Who are you stabbing? The guy that's got all the ice cream Yeah I'm stabbing him with a paddle pop With a stick actually It's not with a knife It's with a liquor prize stick

He's stabbing a guy that was in the process of stabbing someone else Oh so you're the hero? No, but he still is killing a guy on the tram. Yeah, it's still death. Now it's two deaths on your tram, on your watch. That's true, on my watch. That's true, yeah. No wonder you want that ice cream van job.

What I'd have to do, I think, is he'd be stabbing someone, you'd stab him, and then I would call the cops, and they'd be like, who is this hero who stabbed this person to death? And I'd be like, I didn't say anything. What if I was stab say anything. I didn't say nothing. What if I was stabbing someone and I said, I'll stop stabbing them if I get to drive the tram?

What would you do? How stabbed are they at this point? They're only a little bit stabbed. What's Yarra Trams' negotiating with terrorist policy? That's a really good question. And does it make a difference if they've touched on or not? That's a really good question. Like who in if they've touched on or not? Like if they haven't paid. Oh, that's a really good question.

Like who in the chain has touched on or not? Yes. So you've got to go and do a quick... That's right, yeah, yeah. You've got to get the scanners in to work out who from a company perspective is worth saving. I stop the tram, I call the inspectors in. So if the stabber has touched on and the stabby has not touched on, that makes a difference as to...

I think so, yeah. I think ultimately, yeah. How to make those jurisdictions, mate. You're not even officially on the tram. You're my problem. You can officially stab people that haven't paid to be on the tram, but you can't stab anyone that's touched on. Exactly. Right. Yes and Carl.

What if Thorno's on the tram, he's getting stabbed and that's bad because his face is on an ad, but he's being stabbed by someone whom there's an ad for on the other side of the tram. Oh, it depends on who has what management, I guess. Right.

Okay, right. Who can come in harder? Yeah, I think so, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm glad this guy's a champion networker. He gets it. I'd love to see this rule book on the tram. All these different... Oh, it's a nightmare.

Yeah, yeah. So many stabbies. People get away with stabbies because I'm just checking the rule book. You know what? It makes sense because, I mean, all you're doing on the tram as a driver is just, it's already stuck to the rails. We all know it's a sham. Like, you're not fucking doing anything.

Yeah, that's very true. It's like a train track. Like, you can't come off the train, can you? You're just sitting there reading a book up the front of the tram. Now, this is definitely stuff you said the last time. I believe we opened with this. Okay. All right.

All right. Sorry. Get back to stabbing people. I know we didn't talk about that. In the hierarchy of transport, where do you sit? Like, you look at train drivers and go, I wish if only I could make it to that. Yeah, I'm below train drivers.

Again, something we talked about last time, definitely. Well, I think I've shown by hand, but I don't listen to this shit. Obviously, Dave doesn't listen. Look at him. He obviously doesn't listen. Look, just to refresh, Dave, I'm below train drivers. I'm above bus drivers and bus drivers are above, you know, those guys in the vans that they spray down the rubbish bins later in the night?

They stop and they spray, right? If you do really poorly, they demote you to van spray guy. They do look fun, though. They do look really fun. But you're always out like in the middle of the night when no one's around. They've got the whole roads to themselves. But if they're in the same group As train, bus and tram drivers

Do you mean that That's actually public transport And I can hop in One of those little Spray vans if I want to Yeah, yeah You've got to do some spraying If I swipe on

I can jump in One of those little Two seater spray vans It's like hitchhiking You can go wherever they're going But you've got to spray some stuff Great What about the three wheeled car

From Mr Bean Does that rank above or below you That's obviously Comedy icon Yeah they're going but you've got to spray some stuff. Great. What about the three wheeled car from Mr Bean? Does that rank above or below you? That's obviously Comedy Icon. Yeah, that's below me What about Godzilla? Is that something? You can hop on his head and ride around Okay, so it's Okay, so they're both, that's below Godzilla

So it goes Godzilla Then it goes the car that splits in half in the movie Malcolm Then it's that third thing you said. Then it's Mr Bean's car. Final one, Donkey from Shrek. Where's he? Yeah.

Oh, he'd be riding Godzilla because that's the closest he gets to his wife. Yes. So he'd be just below Godzilla. And then Michael Winslow. Where? Yeah, Michael Winslow impersonating all those things. He's behind the curtain making it all happen. This is like that meme with all the different levels of God figure

and the final bottom one is just Michael Winslow with the universe exploding out of his head. Yes. Now, let's do a bit of a wrap-up of news, of recent news maybe. We did go to the National Gallery of Victoria. Yes. If anyone listened to this, they might think it sounds a bit different

than it does usually, and that's because now this podcast is officially high art. Yes. We were part of an exhibition at the National Gallery of Victoria, and let me tell you guys, they don't just let anyone in. They do. Yeah. They do specifically.

It does sound a little bit different because we have been purchased by an anonymous collector for a couple of million dollars. You're going to have to get a higher calibre of listeners so they're going to wear a monocle when they tweet it so you kill yourself. That's going to be great. But they're actually found out to be fakes. Even though they are the originals, they still seem a little fake.

We're a forgery of comedy. We're Thailand knock-offs. So to bring you guys up to speed, there is an exhibition on at the NGV at the moment which I went to recently and saw and I thought, well, how could I fuck with this? And it's basically, it's a piece of art that is like in a corner of one of the main rooms and it's a set-up of a living room with a TV and when I went there were people on the couch

just watching an old movie and the exhibition is anyone from the public can just apply to do it. You get to go in and you just get to pick what you watch and that's the exhibition is people watching. Really? Strangers watch TV. And so I thought what I would do is enter us into it and so we went down and we watched our documentary

that we filmed of ourselves in Koh Samui in the middle of last year. We promoted it on here. The 2017 Koh Samui International Podcast Festival documentary. Yes. So you didn't watch Pamela and Tommy from his collection? No, we didn't have the VHS hooked up at the NGB, unfortunately. That could have been its own exhibit, to be honest. There should have been a VCR around the corner. We should have snuck in one frame of it, like in Fight Club,

just so we could technically say that we did watch Pam and Tommy in the NGV. But we promoted it on here. We promoted it on Facebook and stuff. So what do you reckon? Like 20? I think there was more than that. 30 listeners came down?

And it ended up being like, because there was a lot of, because the doco goes for an hour. We sat there for an hour and watched this doco that we've already seen. And we're watching ourselves. So there's a lot of... Because the doco goes for an hour. We sat there for an hour and watched this doco that we've already seen. And we're watching ourselves. So there's a lot of randoms coming up. Like 10.30 in the morning on a Saturday. Yeah, 10.30 last Saturday. There's a lot of traffic going through at that time in the morning.

And also, this exhibition is in a bit of a thoroughfare. Because you meant to sort of walk past it and go, oh, that's cute. It's just people watching TV. The end. But we have all our freaks there. No one else can get through. Not only that, they're leaning on the walls,

they're leaning on paintings. Multiple times. Guards are having to come up and go, can you not fucking spit all over the Rembrandts while you're watching this home movie? They're literally, twice they got told not to lean on the fucking paintings that were on the wall.

So the jig was up. Nice beret, go to the Westgate, fuckhead. Well, the jig was up almost immediately because we turn up and the guys, you know, you go to the information desk, they check you in. I've got the movie there on a USB. And the guy's like, so what's the set up here? What are you actually watching?

And I'm like, oh, me and him went on a holiday together last year and we made like a little home movie and we haven't had a chance to watch it together yet. So he's like, right. And then so these ten people here that are hanging around you and all wearing the same t-shirt how do they how do they fit into the mix and the whole thing was we basically were going how long do we last here yeah before we get kicked out either because of the volume of people we've brought in or the content of the video and i am delighted and frankly shocked and appalled to say

we made it through the entire film. Totally. And not only that, we didn't realise until it happened, but as he whacks it on and we're saying to each other, I wonder how long this is going to last, how long we can sort of cover up that it's not going to be like, you know, probably 10.30am viewing material on a Saturday. I mean, it's in a big room so it's not on very loud,

but then the word cunt does come up on the screen in text within about five minutes. Oh, no. The first ten seconds. Is it on a T-shirt or something, or did you add it in post? The first ten seconds is the credits Rich Young and his fucking shithouse YouTube channel presents. It's the first three seconds of the thing.

As the guy's still turning it on. Locking up the cabinet that the player is in. He sees that and just go and looks at us and we're like oh that's that's a one-off thing that won't happen again yeah i'll say to you what i said to the maxi pond people it's a hard cunt what is it what is there like a little plaque that says this represents it does say that the world's obsession with entertainment or something it does say that not that any of the strangers could see it

because our listeners were blocking access to it. Yeah, good. Very good. No, totally. Someone said to me this week, we should hit the artist up and ask them what they think of us. I am going to do that. I'm going to email her.

Okay. Yeah. All right. She's a Tel Aviv artist. Right. Yeah. It did feel very Tel Aviv, that particular artwork, to be honest. She's just down from the West Bank

and this is the worst thing she's ever done. I can't believe she couldn't fucking spell television. So yeah, random... From the West Bank to the West Gate, she's just right on. That sugar's still working, Chad. You're running

hot, mate. That was a slow release, Soft Serve. So yeah, strange. So to start with, it's just kind of us and our group of people and it's like, well, this is funny. We've taken over the gallery. This is pretty ridiculous. And then, yeah, the GP start filtering through

and a lot of weird looks. A lot of questions. A lot of questions. A lot of questions slash complaints to the guards that are walking around and whatever. There's a lot of people coming up going, can you make them stop? Or what is that? Or why is this happening? Two separate groups

of older ladies that I saw trying to get the whole thing ceased. Like trying to get security to kick us out. Right. To no avail. Because they're looking at it going, well, this exhibition just seems to be really popular today for some reason. Yeah. And I'll say this, and you said this at the going, well, this exhibition just seems to be really popular today for some reason. Yeah, yeah.

And I'll say this, and you said this at the time, we were killing. Yeah. Like, I reckon that's the hardest any piece of art has ever killed at the NGVU. Totally. It's a shot in the arm to the stuffy arts institution. Yes. We'll be on the Art Gallery Gala this year, I reckon.

Oh, fingers crossed. Given how well we did. Yeah. Okay. Art Gallery Roadshow. That'd be exciting. Still no chance, fingers crossed. Given how well we did. Yeah. Okay. Art Gallery Roadshow, that'd be exciting. Still no chance, I reckon. Go and do a drawing in the park across the street.

So then, yeah, this was – both of our favourites was a young couple who stopped past. And, yeah, everyone who stops past, they're kind of looking in and sort of looking at us and looking at the screen and we're going, oh, I can see you have some questions. What this is is this is us watching a video of ourselves and a bunch of our friends are here watching us do that. So anyway, now that we've answered all your questions, just move along if you could.

But what was it you were explaining? So you were going in depth with this young couple, telling them kind of what it all was. It was like this podcast festival that we organised over in Koh Samui. We had a bunch of podcasts. And then this kid says to you, so this video, is this in the past or in the future? Yeah, that's right.

Sorry. And you would think someone would say that and immediately realise what they'd done. He didn't immediately go, oh, I fucked up here. He just let the question hang there and then you go, no, this is in the past. This isn't yet to happen. We're watching something that's already happened. I think I went a bit harder than that.

I think I went, yeah, this is in the future. This hasn't happened yet. We can't wait to do this thing that's on TV. And then he was sort of like, okay. Yeah, even then it didn't really seem like he got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally, totally. So we didn't really get any feedback from the gallery afterwards, though, did we?

No. I might follow up. I did because the guy who set it up. We brought a few good dozen people in there. The guy who. That definitely do not watch art very regularly. No, watch art. Watch art.

The guy who set the video up for us. Hey, this dude has got his tits out. This is great. Get over here and watch this. Yeah, a lot of shots of Dilruch on the beach, topless, as strangers walking past. And that's when I thought, we are getting kicked out. Really?

Yeah. But we did talk over a lot of the swearing from the documentary. Yes. So I think that was a positive. But hey, I enjoyed it. Yeah. Thanks to everyone who came down. The curvaceous Rembrandt model just laying there.

Yeah. The buxom lady, right? That's a man. It's going beyond a curve, to be honest. It was sort of taking the piss out of curves is what Dil was doing. So we are now, we are high art and we were joking saying it'd be great if we could end up on some kind of curriculum, some kind of educational

curriculum. And a young lady came up to me at the end to say that she's in year 12 and that she took some photos of the event and because it has been, because it's something that was in the NGV, she will be able to write about it for her end of year folio and plans to do so.

Wow. So anyway, there's a young woman who's failing VCE in the next year, so that's very exciting. The children are our future and the future is fucked, everyone. I feel like if you were part of the educational curriculum, you'd be that part of the video that like, so what happens if you do smoke the marijuana? Well, let's see what they're up to.

Bad edits just you guys sitting there watching yourselves on video. Do you want to be like one of these dropkicks? Say no to drugs. I think there'd be less complaints about American Psycho being added to the curriculum. There were a lot of people standing there watching and going, I don't understand what's going on. And that was just the people that listened to this show.

But yeah, fun afternoon. And hey, I feel I mean, I feel just But there would have just been Like old people walking around Yes Which would have been good for you, Carl You're hanging out with people

Your own age Oh, boo Boo I love it when someone Three years younger than me Plays the age card And that is the kind of shit That is going to get this episode

Played in the fucking Guggenheim The Guggenheim In the what? In the what? I was in such a rush to get it out played in the fucking Guggenheim. The Guggenheim. In the what? I was in such a rush to get it out. That's the art museum where you're dropping Googs. I can't wait to go to the Gogglebox Museum. Anyway, great stuff.

So speaking of fine art again, I feel like we're doing catch up with the guests here and they're just sitting here going, okay, so what else have you guys done? We cut Mesa off before. You didn't even get to your fucking. Oh, yeah, go to your tram story. Go to your tram story. So I took notes as he was talking.

Hang on, this is something that's just happened on the way here. Have you got the tram parked out the front, by the way? Yes, Carl, I have the tram parked out the front. Okay. You didn't leave the keys in it, did you? Oh, no. You didn't leave the tram oven on, did you? Oh, no. You didn't leave the tram oven on, did you? My tram keys.

Oh, sorry. So you've just finished work. Because you walked in your tram uniform as well. So if you'd asked me a few hours ago if I had any tram stories, the answer would be no, because I've been running on fumes. Right, tram fumes. Yeah, exactly. Once you do the job.

Sand. Thank you. Once you do the job for a few years. Is there any fumes and like once you do the job yeah exactly once you do the job sand thank you once you do the job for like a few is there any fumes from a tram uh not in not from the tram but probably from the power station that's producing the power for the tram it's electricity like city yeah okay great finally oh now this should be in the curriculum that's that's right so anyway so i had no stories and i'm like uh you know if they ask me about tramp stories i got nothing but i'm at the end of the end of the line in the in the far eastern suburbs and i hear i'm just sitting down and this guy goes hey mate hey mate and i turn around and he's like short and stocky and bald and he's fully tattooed and he's got crossed eyes and he's drinking a rum and coke out of a can and this is like 3 p.m it's like 95 me but go on okay and he goes and he goes hey man rum and coke out of a can, and this is like 3 p.m. It's like 95% me, but go on. Okay, that's fair enough.

And he goes, hey, man, you tram drivers, you earn a lot of coin, don't you? And I'm like, not really. It's just a regular job, you know, regular amount of money. And he goes, listen, I've had a couple of.05s recently, but I was just wondering, if I went down the depot, would they give me a job driving the trams? And I'm like look

maybe you know depends on your interview but like they do a lot of background checks and like police checks and stuff like that i'm like how's your what's your driver's license like and he's like oh look i've got it back i mean i've got to put a breathalyzer on my car i mean i haven't yet i mean i'm living in my car but i'm not driving so so what's the you know so what's the bloody point of putting it on you know what i mean haha and i'm like yeah good point so he's living in my car but I'm not driving. Oh, no. So what's the bloody point of putting it on, you know what I mean? Ha-ha. And I'm like, yeah, good point, mate. Hang on a minute.

So he's living in his car and then hopping on a tram. Yeah. Not driving a tram. But he thinks he's found a loophole. It's like I don't have to put a breathalyser on this thing if I'm living in it. Exactly. Because then it's not my car. It's technically my house.

Exactly, right. But how do you live in something that can drive and then you don't even drive it around? You get on the tram. Look, this guy was a special individual. I don't know what to tell you. If you can drive around in your own house, why wouldn't you do that all the time? Why do you have to fucking then pay for a tram card? Well, because he's pissed and at least he knows the tram to stay on the tracks.

Oh, yeah, yeah. This might be a wild stab in the dark, but I'm pretty sure he didn't pay to get on the tram. But anyway. Mary Burrow Boy comes out. This guy's blind off his head on rum and coke, doesn't have a license. What's the fucking problem? Get behind the tram. But anyway. Mary Borough boy comes out. This guy's blind off his head on rum and coke, doesn't have a licence. What's the fucking problem? Get behind the wheel. So anyway, the guy's like, okay, so I got a bloody...

You should be only hopping on that for a dessert. So the guy's like, okay, so I got, listen, I got, I don't have the driver's licence, but I got my pilot's licence. But I mean, it's tricky these days because you've got to keep it registered, got to keep it registered keep it going and it's you know it's really expensive you know what i mean and i'm like i know exactly what you mean and he's like but i want i want to get my chopper license right so what i was thinking i was i'll just i'll just go to the i'll go to the depot i'll get the job i'll get some coin and i'll just i'll just do that and then i'll get my chop use the money get the chopper's license and i'm like that's a pretty good idea and he's like

how many forms of transport does he want to master? I think he wants to live in all of them. The chopper, the tram, the car. The blimp. The blimp, yeah. If he gets the blimp licence, he's got the trifecta of the sky. That's right. He's the king of the sky.

Yeah. And he's like, listen... He's very ambitious for someone who doesn't have a house. Well, exactly. I've read that animal's book. I'm trying to turn into an eagle. Carl, I'm just getting started. So then he's like, and I'll get the chopper licence.

And I'm like, oh, that's pretty good. And he's like, so listen, I'm proficient with a knife. I'm proficient with a shovel. I'm proficient with a firearm. And I'm like, okay, that's good. And he's like, because you've got to be self-sufficient. And I'm like, yeah, absolutely. And he's like, you know, because you know this government.

And I'm like, yeah. And he's like, because they're Freemasons like you know because you know this government and I'm like yeah here we go because they're Freemasons you know you know Freemasonry and I'm like yes and he's like well if you're a Freemason once you get to level 18 that's Satanism and I'm like oh is it that's okay that's pretty good level 18 of Freemasonry

is Satanism and he's like so that's what sort of secret handshake is that and he's like and that's pretty good. Level 18 of Freemasonry. Is Satanism. Right. What sort of secret handshake is that? And he's like, and that's the, that's our government. Our government's the Illuminati. And they, I used to work for them, so I know. And they want to get rid of me. And they could get rid of me in six hours. You know how they could get rid of me?

And I'm like, no, how could they get rid of you? And he's like, they get a couple of crooked cops and they go pick you up. They chuck you in the divvy van. You think you go in the cop shop, but nah, they put a couple of caps cops and they go pick you up. They chuck you in the divvy van. You think you're going to the cop shop, but no, they put a couple of caps in the back of your head. They put you in a body bag and they drive you to the crematorium. They burn you up. You're gone.

And I'm like, that's the perfect crime. Nice. Pretty incredible. Especially like the crematorium. Yeah, right. Yeah, ice crematorium. It's where ice creams go to die. It's come full circle.

Yeah. So you're obviously thinking this guy's going to steal my job. He looks like it. Oh, absolutely, yeah. He's got a CV. This guy's going to interview well, absolutely. He's got the knife. What else can he do?

The knife, the shovel. He's proficient with the shovel. And the gun. He's more qualified than you to start with. He's got a chopper license. He's going to get a chopper license. He can fly. And how's this going when he's saying all this insane shit to you

and you're there taking notes on your phone? I'll be honest, he's not the most observant man, from what I can gather. He's like, I've got a high IQ, mate. I didn't just fall off the truck, mate. I know what I'm doing. And he's like... Fuck, he can drive a truck as well.

Wow. You mark my words. You mark my words. World War III is coming up with China. Right? And it's not going to be a nuclear war. It's going to be a grand war because they want our land. The Asians are too greedy. They're too greedy. They've taken...

They've bought out Hawthorne. They've bought out Veronia. They've bought out Doncaster. I'm not racist and I'm like... Hey, he's wasting his time for a land war and he's got the control of the chopper and all this. Exactly. How do you take World War 3 and nuclear war, the conspiracy nut jobs

dream that we literally are on the brink of right now and fuck it by turning it into something else. Do you know what I mean? This should be an easy sell for him. And then he's like, okay. Not the first thing I'd bring up in a tram driver interview, but anyway. But with all that transport, you can get those Chinese people here promters.

And he's like, listen, 2023, that's when it's going to start, World War III. And it's going to start when America blows up Israel. They're friends now, but then Russia's going to get in the middle and then they're going to blow up Israel and then China's going to take advantage. They're too greedy. They're going to come in. He's moving to China and getting his junk boat license. He's like, it's all in the Bible. You've got to read the Bible.

It's all in the Bible. And he's like, you know what? I'm starting to think that people that catch the tram are a bit crazy. They're savvy. They're savvy. They're economical. Can you take us back? Sorry, I missed the very beginning context.

Where is this interaction taking place? This is happening in the tram. Right, so you're driving at the time. No, no, I'm waiting in the tram. I'm at the end of the line and I'm just sort of sitting there. Right, you're sitting there with a sixer of Jimmy and Coke. Yeah, that's right. Exactly, yeah.

Strong-arming piss. Went in Rome and then he's like, so man, the's right. Exactly, yeah. Strong-arming Pips. Went in Rome. Went in Rome. And then he's like, so man, the war could come in two weeks. Like 2023, two weeks, the world's in war.

Wait, what? What are you? It's not two weeks. No, no, no. He's like, 2023. Is this some sort of Chinese calendar?

Yeah, maybe. I don't know. He's like, look, his numbers weren't super accurate either. But anyway, he's like. Yeah, that's the bit

you nitpick. This isn't starting to happen. I've thought all the similar thoughts that he's had so far. I can read a fucking calendar, idiot. And he's like, you know, the war starts two weeks. It's in Australia. What are you going to do? How are you going to survive?

And I'm like, what would you recommend? And he's like, I'll give you two tips. Number one. Hang on, write this down. Yeah, write them down. He's like, I'll give you two tips. Number one. Hang on, write this down. Yeah, write them down. He's like, number one, don't die on your knees. Right. Two, don't get malnutrition.

I reckon you could swap around the order of those two. Yeah, I was going to say, yeah. But no, no, he's very insistent. He said it twice. Get malnutrition as long as you're standing up at the time. That's right. And I'm like, cool, man. So you go to yaratrams.com.au and there's a little employment tab.

Slash careers. And you just click that and then you just fill in the form. And he went, oh, thanks, mate. And he got off the tram. Oh, great. That was it. He didn't even travel on the tram after all that? He didn't even travel on the tram, no.

Oh, just the hop. Just wanted some sweet info. All right. So when he hopped on, did he swipe on? I don't think he did. I didn't hear a beep. I didn't look, but I didn't hear a beep. That would be the most shocking part of the story.

He's a staunch validator. Yeah. This is for any of the listeners. If you want a free tram ride, you just have to know when World War III is coming. Exactly. That's a top tip. I just want some top tips for surviving World War III.

He's happy to hear it. So, yeah, like that was pretty good. I think you'll do well in the interview if I'm honest with you. Shout out to that young man because I dare say he's probably a podcast listener, so probably his ears have started to just set on fire while he's listening to this. I think I saw him at the gallery

now that I come to think about it. He came down for a free trip at the gallery. He drops a pretty little yen on those Patreons. Be honest, Mace, did you deliberately tune into this conversation because you knew you were coming here? Yes.

Would you have just done a runner if you had? I would have been like, hey, man, I've just got to step across the road for a second. I have to say that there have been crazy people I've gone closer to and asked more questions of because of the need for content. That's right. There's been a lot of positions I've put myself in where I'm like,

well, you know what? I've got something to talk about on Tuesday night now. And look, if I'm totally honest, that conversation happened twice in exactly the same order because he just repeated it again. Oh, great. And I was just like, well, I didn't quite remember all of it. Fuck, no wonder you pulled out your phone and wrote it down. That's right. So I'm just like, well, I didn't quite remember all of it. No wonder you pulled out your phone and wrote it down.

That's right. So I'm just like, oh yeah? Oh yeah? Couple of.05s, mate. Oh yeah? Tell me about that. So you got to take notes the first time through and then do a bit of proofreading. Yeah, exactly. That's right. The second time you should have been like, well, mate, you've got no chance of bloody becoming a tram driver

unless you've got like a knife license or something like that. Oh, a knife? Oh, you've got a knife. Very good. Nice. And to be honest, the job only lasts till 2023. I don't know what you're doing.

And also, maybe if you don't want the government to find you and put you in a body bag and cream out you, maybe don't get a government job. That might be a little bit of a... It says a lot about the story

that I'd forgotten that detail of it by the time we got through to the end. It escalated very quickly. Yeah, it's a busy man. Yeah, he's got a lot going on. Fuck. Well, the the story that I'd forgotten that detail of it by the time we got through to the end. It escalated very quickly. Yeah, it's a busy man. Yeah, he's got a lot going on. Fuck. Well, the one thing that I'd say to him about not going, not applying for that tram driving job is don't apply for it

because there's fucking crazies that get on the tram and talk to you. Exhibit A. Just have an ice cream, man. Just chill out. Yeah. You know, maybe nuclear war is going to break out in two weeks in 2020. Do you have an ice cream man Just chill out Yeah You know maybe Maybe nuclear war Is going to break out

In two weeks in 2020 Do you have an ice cream Scoop licence Because I have a career For you my friend Maybe he's heard About this buzz That's going on

About the ice cream tram And he wants to be part of it Yeah That's what they do The government They chuck in the divvy van They drive you down to Messina And then it's fucking over

Alright so very quickly A little bit of more news On what's been going on lately drive you down to Messina and then it's fucking over. All right. So very quickly a little bit of more news on what's been going on lately. The last episode we did was the big trip to Maribor, to my hometown. We went to Maribor. We brought a lot of listeners from places that aren't Maribor. And basically hardly anyone from Maribor did go to the podcast. It was just a big full room of people from Melbourne and interstate. People come from all around,

which is very thankful for people coming along and filling out this room and weeding everyone out. It was a wonderful, wonderful evening. It was. Well, that is now the pilgrimage. This is the mecca of this podcast. Well, Thailand, really. I mean, we've got the big trip to Thailand coming up.

It is like tourists going and visiting like where Shakespeare was born. Yeah, Graceland. This is Graceland. But if they then like pissed all over it or did something fucked while they were there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't wait when you two pass away because you know when you go to Glenrowan and that area.

In two weeks' time in 2023. And you know how there's just Ned Kelly everywhere. Like if you got to that area. In Glenrowan, yeah. Yeah, but anywhere near there. You'll go to the next town and they're like, yeah, he had a shit here once. And they just got a statue of him.

That will be you too. Just statues around Maryborough and they're the proximity of. Why am I being dragged into this? Mate, you work with a dumb cunt. You were at the shootout when the police just shot me up and you got some of it off the side. Mate, you come in a package. I trust the people at Maxibond. I trust.

The way that they work, I trust their interests. So, quick follow-up of the big trip to Mirabarra and the big podcast and show up there. If you listened to last week's, the last episode, we were talking to the photographer for the Mirabarra advertisers during the show quite a bit. And I was probably handing out a bit of abuse to the Mirabarra advertisers maybe in the way that I'd been treated in the past there.

But anyway, so. You're sort of speculating on on this it's a matter of public record at this point well i don't listen to this podcast yeah i don't know i'm pretty sure i did say something i mean i know you've spoken all about the last podcast and again just to reiterate i don't listen to the shit so how look you weren't performing when you lived in maryborough so how do they rip you a new one just in general uh i know? Just a quick synopsis. How did the Mirror Bar Advertiser do that? They published a letter six months ago, eight months ago, whenever it was, complaining about our podcast.

Someone wrote into the Mirror Bar Advertiser and complained about our podcast and they just printed the whole thing. They're like, you fucking assholes. Because this is a place that I used to work at the Mirror Bar. There's still people there that I worked with. When you say work, didn't you make up fake TV listings? Yes. For the TV guy, isn't that okay?

I did ruin their paper a few times. Oh, sure. At least this letter bagging you is factually correct. You did shit all over the place on the podcast. Yeah. So. I don't even know who made that guy and I trust him more than you. So what happened was when

the photographer went backstage in Maribor, he went around all the performers and sort of went, okay, so I'll just get all your names so I can put them in the paper. He made one of the most awkward entrances into a room I've ever seen. Did he? We were sort of mid-conversation and he just kind of comes in, no one knows who he is

and just goes, I need everyone's names. And we're like, everyone just pauses and he goes, for the paper I'm photographing people, so what's your name? Photographing people. I swear he wasn't that far off. This is going to make the Guggenheim. The Guggenheim, thanks. We were all kind of caught off guard by his bizarre sort of intrusion

into our conversation. He was a very socially awkward person, summed up by when I was talking to my mum about it later and my mum gave him the most devastating thing that she can describe anyone with in her vernacular, which is, yeah, he was in the same form as me at school. He was a bit soft. A bit soft? A bit soft? A bit soft.

I mean, to say that someone sticks out as being socially inept in a room full of podcasters, that's really saying something. Isn't it? Yeah. Just quickly, speaking of your mum, our parents met on that night. Yes. And my mum said that your mum said, you know, it was the strangest thing when Carl was a little boy,

he was so shy, you never would have predicted this of him. Oh, really? So shy as a little boy. Yeah. What's changed? Where are you, Carl? What's changed? Nothing. I think I'm still that shy little boy.

That little wallflower. Yeah. That delicate little wallflower. With a porno in his filing cabinet. That's why she thinks you were shy because you never left your bedroom. Just jacking it. Oh, he's so awkward around girls. Always kept to himself.

Always just playing with his imaginary friend in his room called Pamela. I could hear him talking to her. Is that boy you were with on the podcast the same Tommy who used to come round to your house? Boy, I wish. Is that Pamela? Similar voice I could hear coming out of the room.

Similar size breasts because he's let himself go. So backstage with the photographer, he went around the room and asked for everyone's names and we all gave our names. Gets to the last one, which is Dilruch, and Dilruch says, my name is Nazeem Hussain. N-A-Z-E-E. And we all start laughing.

And then we see him start to write the name down. Yeah, because we go, yeah, he'll cotton on. Yeah. And then we all very quickly, once we see that he's taking it as true, we just stop immediately. The handbrake goes right up. Yes, immediately. Yeah, yeah.

He took it on brown face value. So then he spells out, very convincingly spells out Nazeem Hussain's full name and we go, okay. And we all just hold our breath and go, oh, my God, we've got to check the paper. And let me say, I mean, you know, Dilruch has been on, you know, he's acted in things. Yes. This was one of the worst acting jobs I've ever seen in my life.

I've never believed someone's name less than watching this. Oh, to be honest. He seemed unsure. He said Nazeem Hussain, N-A-Z. Like he had to think about the spelling of it for a second. To be honest, it was twice as good as anything we did in that Maxabon audition, to be fair. Yes, true, true.

So I've been waiting and checking with my sources in Maribor to see if this had got in the paper because it comes out twice a week. You've still got feelers out there, bro. Yeah, yeah. There's two of them at least. There's one of... I'll just give their initials, M and D. So, you know, there couldn't be anyone up there.

There couldn't be anyone. So I've been getting the paper checked up there. So didn't make the early edition. Didn't make the Tuesday edition. But on the... Well, that's the big one. Things move a little slower down there. Yeah, exactly.

So wait, they only come out twice a week? Twice a week, Tuesday and Friday. Who did that? I mean, this is like the post. They can't just run this. They've got to verify it. They've got to do the fact checking. Got to develop the photo.

Yes. Got to stick the iPhone in the developing room in the water for some reason with all the fluid. Oh, and the old lady gets RSI when she's typing. Yes. Each one has to be typed out individually. Got to put it under the photostat machine, all that sort of stuff. Yeah, fair enough.

So, didn't make the Tuesday, made the Friday. So, it goes in there. There's an article in there. A full article? Well, there's a, like, it's in the social pages. Oh, yeah. It was a social event. Yes.

No wonder you're just buying ice creams willy-nilly. Mate, I've hit a rich vein. Don't you worry about that. It's basically in the Mirror Bro advertiser confidential. Yeah.

Spotted. Working his red rocket over Pam and Tommy. Yes. Hometown socialite Carl Chandler. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, so,

but how they do it, I think this is a real country town thing, right? This is a real country town thing, right? This is a real country town thing. There's the show on, right? So it's like a double page spread. So there's all up, there's maybe, I think, eight photos or something. But this is, and you come from Geelong, Dave,

so maybe there's a bit of this in the Geelong advertiser. Yeah, but that does come out every day in its defence. Right, right. In its defence. Yeah, so instead of having like all pictures of all that you know we had dave o'neill we had a deal with jaya singer we had you know people that have been on tv people tv credits harley breen sure there was like one or two pictures of us and the rest were just like those pictures where they just get someone at the end of the show that

has been watching and just go what's your name john and betty all right we'll take a picture of you and that'll go on the paper. So the majority of it is just people that were watching. Oh, like the Beat magazine, here's who's at the nightclubs on Saturday night kind of thing. Exactly. But hardly any pictures of the talent, the people that have been on TV.

That's very community newspaper because community newspapers are 99% about like the local people, they're angry about something. Yeah. Like a pothole. Thumbs up, thumbs down. Exactly. And it's just about, hey, look,'re angry about something. Yeah. Like a pothole. A bit of thumbs up, thumbs down. Exactly. And it's just about, hey, look, it's our mates.

Yeah. You've moved out of town. Yeah. You've been out of town too long. They don't cross you. Totally scum. They didn't even know who. I don't think there was any mention.

In the one photo that was of us, I don't think that they even mentioned that I used to live there. Wow. So just this random story about a show that happened. Yes. Because that's news in Maribor. Great. Does the Fawlty Towers Dining Experience get this kind of coverage?

There's no way it wouldn't have. Great. Absolutely. So a couple of tiny little pictures of us. No mention of Nazeem Hussain being in town. Oh, that's a shame. Who there was a big mention of was Mr and Mrs Also. Really?

Big old picture of Ma and Pa Dasselot. Really? A big photo of Mum and Dad in the Maryborough Advertiser. Was Mr Allsop peacocking in his bow tie? Did he? I can't remember actually. That's a bit of a draw. A bit of author, author.

A bit of a porno author. Well, yeah, Dad wrote a porno that took up over half of the show. So fair enough. I mean, he contributed more than I did. Yes. So I'm happy for him to get more coverage. Yeah, well, he definitely did. He's a regular celebrity.

He's a bigger star in Meribor now than we are. So your folks didn't get a mention? No. Wow. No. Oh, wow. Have you got a scan of this? Some people have taken pictures of the Addy and then just texted it to me.

Great. Yeah, yeah, yeah I need to get a copy of this Yeah, we'll get it I'm sort of surprised someone hasn't brought it up before now I've been holding onto it thinking I know what the Dumb Dumb listeners are like They'll spoil it Someone will get a copy and send it to us and whatever

Tommy, what if your dad becomes the breakout star of this thing And they bring him back? Like every Oh, Solo showed him Yeah, he does a season Every couple of months, yeah Yeah, I mean Just season every couple of months. He just reads that porno again.

Luckily, you know, people kind of being broken on this podcast and then far eclipsing the two hosts of it is something that we've been sort of, you know, come very much to grips with over the last six years. So it wouldn't be much of a shock at this point. Well, in their defence, they haven't had a new porno since Pamela and Tommy. Yes. It's been 30 years since someone wrote into town and said,

feast your peepers on this. And your old man's come with some fresh blood and people are like, well, all right, get him in. Yeah. He should be here. Well, this is fantastic stuff. I just wish that, you know, if we'd known that my parents were going to be the ones that got in, I would have made sure to get my dad

to give a fake name when the photographer asked for his details. Right. You know? Yeah. Given his pen name, Damien Hegarty. I'm surprised he didn't put that. Yeah.

I'm surprised, you know, we could have gotten them in as Mr and Mrs Gott. Yes. Or could he have taken a leaf out of Dill's book and just said Kamal or something like that? Like his ilk. If we could have gotten them in there as mother and father comedy, that would have been fucking great.

Well, that's, you know what? There was a lot of listeners that got their faces in the paper as well because it was all, like I said, it was all visitors. It was all people coming from Melbourne and interstate. There was no, there was hardly any Marlborough people that were at the show. So the listeners should have known to put, what if they had all given their last name as comedy? Oh, that would have been so great.

And just somehow convinced them it was the comedy family reunion. Yeah. Oh, man, that's fantastic stuff. So you both got your parents along to this gig? Yeah. Yeah. Well, not that weird for his to be there. It was like down the road from their house for once.

It was 10 minutes drive from their house. But they hadn't ever listened to the podcast Or seen it or anything before And what was the reviews after? Oh look I didn't really ask too many questions Maybe Carl should have stayed shy I don't swear in front of my parents Don't you? No

See this is what happens They think you're taking a vow of silence then Is that what's happened? Mum was surprised by how nice your parents are. Yes. Given what they've created. But didn't you... You dropped enough swearing in your groomsman speech.

Yes. So were there any repercussions there? No. No. Yeah, look, I said... I was trying to warn my mum to not come, thinking, well, look, it'll be fun but I don't think we'll quite – What do you mean, to the wedding?

Looks, to be honest, on a dozen. I said, look, I'm not sure if you'll understand it. There'll be a lot of hooligans there. There'll be – I don't know what'll happen. He's calling you hooligans listeners. Yeah. I was talking about the guests to be fair. So, yeah. I don't know what'll happen. He's calling you hooligans listeners. Yeah. I was talking about the guests to be fair. So yeah.

I don't know what's going to happen. So feel free to stay away, you know. And mum was like, absolutely not. I want to come along and have a look. They want to meet the famous Mr. and Mrs. Allsop. But was there also, they might have seen someone like Dave O'Neill and thought, well, here you go. Here's some brevity.

You know, like he's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, just a brevity. Here's a break to it all. You know, like at least we've got someone. It looks like an elder statesman who will bring some kind of maturity to it. Yeah, a bit of gravitar. No, no, they enjoyed it all. You know, like at least we've got someone who looks like an elder statesman who will bring some kind of maturity to it. Yeah, a bit of gravitar. No, no, they enjoyed it all.

You know, totally. But I just, you know, I talk to my mum probably every second day but I didn't particularly sort of go what's the review or anything because I think she, what she said, the one thing I heard was someone, you know, a couple of the listeners talked to her and her stock line was, look, I just got it in my head, this is entertainment. It's what the people want.

So who am I to sort of complain about it? I don't understand how society has come to be this way, but I guess that's what it is now. So I guess I'm proud of my son for making it in this sordid business. It's a big city thing. It's a big stinky thing, you know. I'm basically forced to do it. Her watching us must have been like Mesa interacting with that guy on the tram.

This is mental. I've got no idea what's going on. She's making notes on her phone. Feeling sort of threatened in a way. Yeah. Yeah. And similar sentiment About the Chinese By the end of it

Yeah For the love of God When is this war turning up Yeah Just end this please In its tracks Yeah Well we better wrap that up

For another week Of the little dum-dum club Have we done Have we done quite a bit We've done quite a bit Okay I mean That's

That's an hour and five minutes Oh well You know what I've got a story for next time But I'll wrap up With one more thing about the Maribor trip, which is we stayed, and I think we talked about this last week. Afterwards, one of the Maribor, basically one of the only mates I've got left in Maribor

that didn't sort of move out was... That was going to be... One of the only mates you've got left, yep. What a grim start to a story. I did try and say it as fast as I could, so there was no space to jump in. Owns a bakery. Kurt owns the Red House Bakery.

So people that go through Maryborough, please go along because we... Hey, don't even know if you're going through Maryborough. Venture out from Ballarat, from Castle Main. Worth the visit. Yep. Because there's a playhouse within it. We got very drunk and played around in the ball pit and the slides and everything at 1am, 2am. Drinking and eating pies in the ball pit at 2 in the morning.

Look at you in a ball pit chasing down an ice cream truck. You're really having a big Peter Pan week, aren't you? Yeah. I'm buying a sports car next week and really just starting again. If you really believe in yourself, you can fly. Just go up to the roof and just leap. Yeah. After this, you're going to fuck around on that big toy piano

out the front of my house. Going to get my chopper license, everything. So I ended up sleeping at the bakery that night. Everyone else sort of took off and had hotel rooms and stuff like that. I didn't get a hotel room because all the listeners booked out all the hotels in the town. So then my mate offered me a bed upstairs in the bakery. He lives above the bakery.

When you say I slept in the bakery, it sounds a lot worse than what it was. I've spun up some dough and you can just sort of lean your head against it on the ground. I got a real big custard tart in a pillow, go for it. So Harley Breen and I both stayed there in my mate Kurt's kid's bunk bed. Harley was on the bottom, I was on the top. No big deal. I leave the next day and I get a text from Kurt, from the owner, from the baker saying – I get a message on the Monday and he says,

yeah, thanks a lot, mate. And I'm like, oh, what for now? Because he'd actually actively thanked me on the Sunday going, what yeah thanks a lot mate and I'm like oh what for now because he'd actually actively thanked me on the Sunday going what a night what a great night I get a second thank you on the Monday and I'm like oh what what what do you mean thanks thanks a lot he goes I walked into work on the Monday and everyone else was already at work there's a big whiteboard at work where someone had written over the entire whiteboard my name is Kurt and I fuck pies. Which I have no memory of writing.

I was quite drunk that night and when you set up the story like I've gone into work on Monday morning everything in my brain was going fuck, what did I do? Yeah, yeah. What did I do? Yeah, yeah. What did I do? Well, he says that and I go, look, I really don't remember writing that. And then he goes, oh, look, well, you were there with your mate Harley.

I guess he could have written it. And I'm like, you know what? I'm not going to chuck him under the bus. I'm pretty sure Harley Breen is not going to write, my name is Kurt and I fuck pies. And I run it by him and he goes, I absolutely did not say that because I didn't know what the fucking name of your mate is. Yes. He goes, I had breakfast with him and sat there and the whole time went, well, these are good cornflakes, aren't they, champ?

Yeah, that can be the new knackers. Hey, pie fucker, how are you going? From a man just observing all of this and watching it go by and I mean, you know, I'm not saying that I'm a detective but I'm just saying that that start, that line, sounds like the start of a porno. Your father was in town. Yes.

Written all over it, Tommy. That is like it was the best of times, it was the worst of times. That's the new one. My name's Kurt and I fuck pies. Call me Ishmael. If we get him to do a third one in the trilogy, I'll make sure it's set in a bakery and that the guy's name is Kurt.

I'll make sure that happens. And you know what? Actually, a couple of days after that, Kurt then was messaging me going, look, I don't know if this can be part of your podcast, but I can make up special dum-dum pies and I can bring them down to your shows or whatever. Seriously?

Yeah. Wow. That's great, isn't it? But I was like, but there's no theme to a dum-dum pie. Like what would a, but I guess if he comes down and fucks them, I guess that's the thing. A green curry pie. Oh, yeah.

So get some Thai curries in there in a pie. That's true. Like donut pies though. Yeah. Donut pies because Kurt's already fucked the pies. Yes, there you go. Great, great. Like donut pies though. Donut pies because Kurt's already fucked the pies. Yes, there you go. Great, great. Kurt's fucked pies.

All right, that brings us to the end of the little Dumb Numb Club for another week. Donut pies, Kurt's fucked pies. That's great. Yeah, I agree. Two genius ideas. Ice cream tram, Kurt's fucked donut pies. To quote the great man, what he's previously said before,

he knows what he likes and he's nailed it. Dave Thornton, Nick Mason, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you for having us. It's just to be good on ground level with these kind of brainstorms. I was there. When it happened, yeah. And now Carl's in jail. I was there when the apple hit Newton on the top of their head.

I was there. Apple hit Newton on the top of their head. I was there. I saw it all. Nick Mason, you have a podcast of your own, The Weekly Planet. I do. It's about nerd stuff like comic books and Mad Magazines and Tommy and Pam pornos. Is it really about Mad Magazines? No, we've never mentioned Mad Magazine.

Not once. I was thinking on the way here. So our show is part of a network that you run or kind of run. Sure, I kind of run it. Yeah, you kind of run it. Planet Broadcasting, which people can find heaps of podcasts under that banner. Planetbroadcasting.com, yeah. Planetbroadcasting.com. So this is kind of like on The Simpsons when they

draw Rupert Murdoch into the show and then just roast him hardcore for the whole thing. Oh, is he our boss, really? He's kind of our boss. No, I'm not your boss. Our friend Claire is the boss. She can fire us all at any moment. Great. I look forward to that happening. So people can find that planetbroadcasting.com.

We have a live show coming up, our first live show during, but not in any way associated with the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. I would never probably bring up that name if it's not. Yes, you are doing a live show. It's at the European Beer Cafe. And it's basically on the same you're doing a one-off on the same weekend,

same venue as us. Yeah. During the month of April. And also we heard from Claire that when you flew to Sydney, you were so scared of flying that you had to take a Valium. Oh! We didn't bring you up and roast you for it and you're welcome. Thank you.

Have we got five more minutes? Was that because that cross-eyed drunk that you were talking to on the train was flying it? Yeah. I think I would have taken a value of two in that position. I know he's got the licence, but jeez. What are you scared of flying for? I just don't like it. Why?

Because of the possibility for death. Everything should be on rails, Carl. That's all I'm saying. Right. Yeah, that makes sense. That makes sense. I want a weird steampunk future where everything's on a sky rail. That's what I want.

But you look like Tony Stark. Like Iron Man flies everywhere. Yeah. He's making a mistake. Also, he's an alcoholic. No, to be fair, with that beard, he looks like Tony Stark that lives in his car. That's why for a job at a tram.

I've got the breathalyser, but in fairness, I don't drive it. I've got this robot suit I've made, though. Yeah. Dave Thornton, you have got a new show coming up at all of the comedy festivals around the country.

Yeah, actually I have two shows. I've got So What Now which is my solo show and I'll be touring around to all the festivals Adelaide, Brisbane, Sydney, Melbourne, Canberra. Called what?

So What Now. That's what it's called. And I've also got a second show called I Fuck Kurt's Pies and I'm going to Maryborough and we are going

to fuck the shit out of the innards of those pies so good wow and we're actually fucking on a Sunday just because I hope

they forget about it by Tuesday when the publications come out in Maryborough great I love it I love that sort of art house comedy

that's good stuff we've got all our stuff on sale littledumbdumbclub.com and lots of live shows coming out Patreon all that kind of shit

like we said we are doing time to buy your tickets for Melbourne we're doing one we're doing four big live ones including a season pass

so get on to that thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time see ya mates oh the four amigos ding ding very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See ya, mates. Oh, the four amigos. Ding, ding. And welcome back

once again to another edition of Talking Dum Dum. Yay. Koh Samui. Exciting. I didn't mention it on this week's episode, but maybe I'll mention it next week, but I mentioned it super briefly in the Meribro thing. I did go there a week or two ago or whatever it was.

And the listeners would have been thinking, well, it's going to come up on this episode. Yeah. Guess what? It didn't. Still hasn't. And they're thinking, what's going on here? Yeah. What is the fucking story?

Yeah. So we'll have plenty to talk about. We'll get there. There's things. There's balls rolling. Mm-hmm. There's cogs moving. Mm-hmm.

There's things are happening over in that little island. There's balls swelling. There's cogs moving. There's things happening over in that little island. There's balls swelling up and getting blue. Along to the listeners who were just waiting to hear these yarns. There was some balls getting blue before I went there, but they're fine now. They're pinkish now. So you can only ejaculate when you're in Thailand. Yeah, that's why I go there.

Okay, right, right. You know when I get angry here? I start getting angry here and then I just go over there and release. When we've been making fun of you all these years for going so often, if you said that you could only bust a nut over there, like all of us that make fun of you would have been fine with that. It's something about the equator. Yeah, yeah.

So it's not even being in Thailand. It's just crossing that dateline makes you just... Just being in the middle of the world. Yes. That's the only thing that does it for me. Yeah. Don't like being too north or too south. So if you are on the fence, you know, get off that goddamn fence.

Yeah. It's June 13 to 18. It is… Plenty of people still making their decisions now. So you go to the… And very briefly, I did stay at the beautiful Ozo Chuing Samui Resort. In downtown Koh Samui. Exactly.

The greatest city on the earth. Exactly. Where we will be staying, which has got the great deal on – you know, you go to our website, you'll find all the details. But if you put in podcast18 as the code, you get discounted accommodation for the time uh during the festival plus a bit either side if you want to do that as well oh is that the deal now there's a new deal a break extension of the deal breaker breaker yeah i did have a meeting uh while i was there and that i i negotiated that was the the the art of the deal by uh chando trump over there so we've got that we've got that. We've got that happening. Our history's greatest monster. Yes. So that's happening.

Extended time at the Ozo if you wish. Yes. So get onto our website. You can find the information about that. You do also need a ticket to the festival which you can find the link to through our website. So book yourself through at the Ozo Chuang Samui Resort. Book your ticket. But staying there, Tommy. It is going to be

what? Staying there. It was great. Brought back some good memories. Yeah, like what? Beautiful pool there. Reminded me of the time we jumped in the pool after the podcast. Yep. When we did it there. It was us just – basically the pool is awesome.

The rooms, they gave me a very nice room this time. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, nice view. Beautiful. Nice little platter of fruit in there and everything. Really? Yeah. Fruit platter?

Yeah, weird, you know, that weird Asian fruit stuff that they put in your room. I don't know what it is. I don't touch it. Whenever it's there, it's in Gladwrap, never undo it. Scared of it, don't touch it. Happy to get given it, though. Yes, you appreciate the thought. Yes.

But you'll be fucked if you're going in on it. Yes. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. You know when you do shows sometimes, if it's a nice enough venue, there'll be like a the thought. Yes. But you'll be fucked if you're going in on it. Yes. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. You know when you do shows sometimes, if it's a nice enough venue, there'll be like a platter. Yeah. Like a kind of a fruit platter.

Yeah. And I just think, I mean, what a waste. Yeah. Who's ever going in on the fruit? You know, do they ever get, do they ever, because I just did gigs at the Falls Festivals and backstage every day, there'd be a fruit platter. And I just kept thinking, when are they ever taking these back

and going, wow, the fruit platter has been licked absolutely clean. They've taken the grapes. They've taken the fucking rock melon. It's never, you know what, take that money, put more booze in the rider. That's what I reckon. No, totally. Oh, well, especially there where I'm copping, you know, in Thailand, copping this furry fruit stuff.

You're copping a bit of the furry fruit, all right. This fruit, the shape of a bowling ball, and it's got fuzz all over it. I'm like, nah, I'm not touching this. It's a durian, isn't it? Is that what that is? Maybe. I don't know what that is. I know Ronnie Chang's a big fan of that.

Yeah. But he's a big fan of a lot of dumb things. You're not allowed to take them on the trains in Singapore because they stink. Apparently they taste really good, but their outward smell is very bad. Right. No wonder it was wrapped up in plastic. Yep. But beautiful.

Twin Peaks. Beautiful resort. Beautiful resort. And I did my one-man running club when I was there. Oh, yeah? It was good. It's just called Going For A Run. Yeah.

I was a member of it though. Is this a two-man podcasting club that we're doing right now? Yeah. Yeah. Everything's a club. All right. Let's wrap this up so I can do my two-man podcasting club that we're doing right now? Yeah. Everything's a club. Alright, let's wrap this up so I can do my one-man sleeping club. So yes, that is all happening.

Yes, all the dates and stuff coming up. Merch we have on sale. LittleDumbDumbClub.com, your one-stop shop for all of that kind of stuff. And of course... We did bring up that we've got stickers now, so we have to get on... We don't have them for sale at the moment, so we have to set up the merch shop.

So we do have stickers and people are excited by stickers because we've never done stickers before. So I'm sorry everyone that's getting very frustrated at there not being stickers in the gift shop. I'd love to make an old school sticker album and sticker set. Wow. So I'd draw like – I could draw Kurt's Pie Shop. Yeah.

I could draw a beach in Thailand. I could draw the main street of Maryborough. And then you get a sheet of stickers of like us and Dilruch. Yeah. And you can sort of do what you want with them. That'd be cool. No, this is what people were talking about in the big Facebook group, in the people aware of the little Dum Dum Club the other week.

Oh, so when you say big Facebook group, you don't mean the Facebook fan page for the movie Big. No. You mean our Facebook group that has a lot of people in it. Don't, no. Don't get into the fan page for the movie Big and start talking about the little dum-dum. There was a good discussion about how to play the piano with your feet

in that one, but I'm talking about a different conversation, which was doing a dum-dum themed Monopoly and about what all the locations would be. Right. Yeah. Because we could do that pretty easily. We'd just need to make the board. We would need to, like, we would need to do the board

and then we would need to make some new community chest cards. Yeah. And then people could stick our version over an existing board. They just buy a Monopoly set. They've got the money. They've got the pewter tokens. Yeah. They just put our cards in there.

Maybe we should make one of these boards and play it during a live show one day. That sounds like the most boring live show of all time. Really? What? People watching us play Monopoly. Yeah, but the reveal is every time we roll a dice and land on something, we then say the name of it and that's funny. And we can still talk during the game.

Oh, that's not bad. Yeah, okay. I'm back on – okay, I'm on board this idea. And then there's going to be funny community chess, you know, cards and chance cards and stuff like that. And funny tokens. Okay. So something...

It could be like a slow... A slow one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We could just play half a game Monopoly and just do a podcast. I mean, if the drunk cast is just us playing Monopoly. Yeah.

But we've forgotten to make it our themed version. It's us just playing actual Monopoly, Yeah. But we've forgotten to make it our themed version. Us just playing actual Monopoly blind drunk on stage. Well I'm trying to think of a purpose for the Monopoly game because we can't sell it. No one's going to buy a copy of this stupid Monopoly game. So I feel like we've got to play it ourselves.

I just think like nothing is too stupid now. Like people came to Maryborough people came to Samui. The sky's the limit, Carl. Okay. Well, maybe what could we do? Maybe we could make a limited edition. We could just design a new board and new cards and put it online for people to get and they can print it out and stick it over their own Monopoly board if they so want.

I still think we should – the unveiling of it should be us playing it first. Live debut. That's like a – that's beta testing of it is us playing it live at the drunkest or wherever. Or somewhere. Maybe on a live episode or something. All right. Let's get on to that.

Okay. All right. Let's get on to that. Meanwhile, Patreon, thank you to everyone who supports us on there. If you do not already, you are most welcome to. It's very appreciated by us here. Yes, seeing the number of people that the bonus content goes out to each month is very

gratifying. It's nice to know that that many people care about the show enough to contribute to it. And part of the reward system is that you get a magazine that we work very hard on each month. You get a bonus episode that we record for you each month. And also we read out a different number of names

of people that contribute on Patreon at the end of every episode, which is what we are now here to do. And we give out a... It's like a radio showing that, you know, it's like no repeat Tuesday sort of thing. Yes. Like it's a different number every week and if we ever repeat the same number,

we give out a big cash prize for people who ring in. Tickets to John Farnham. If you bust us reading out the same number of names and you're the first caller in, then you're getting sweet concert tickets. You're getting the voice. You're getting the voice. Yeah.

So once again, we'll try and beat the system and make sure no one can grab those whispering tickets. All right. Let's just kick off. Now, look, there were some complaints last week that we did too many repeats. Yes. We'd read out too many repeats of names that had already been read out before. And, look, your words mean something.

I've taken it on board. This is a bit sad, but I have actually not resubscribed to the random name generator. Really? So we've severed that relationship? Yes. Wow. It was just one bridge too far. If it was going to continually be making mistakes like that...

I mean, we got into this on the episode. I don't think the random name generator was entirely at fault. Well, I feel like it was. I feel like it definitely was. I refuse to think the random name generator was entirely at fault. Well, I feel like it was. I feel like it definitely was. I refuse to shoulder any blame whatsoever. Can't help but feel like you're trying to cover your own ass with this one. Well, so you're not the one that has to deal with this software every week. It's

continually failed me and therefore you. And I don't want to keep copying this abuse when it's 100% the software's fault. So if they're not going to get rid of all the fucking bugs out of this thing, then I'm not going to use any. Because remember, we are paying thousands of dollars per week for this computer system.

I sympathise. I know what it's like to deal with disagreeable software week in and week out. Can I just quickly interject and say that we did get a follow-up message from someone whose name got read out twice, last week being one of them. Khan Tran wrote in to say, thank you for the repeat Patreon shout-out. And to say not that you guys give a fuck, but I am a female. Because this is one of the many people that we were speculating on their gender.

Oh, well, they're right. And if you could talk into the mic instead of resting it on your chest and trying to then talk into it. Well, Khan is right. I don't give a fuck. So, yeah. And she then goes on to say, Orhi, thought you guys missed an opportunity to riff on something

I've copped all through school and sometimes still do at work when shit companies like to create usernames made up of a first name plus first letter of last name. In her case, Khan T. Oh, very nice. It's almost like I was born to be aware. Yeah. So thanks, Khan.

Yeah. Yeah, very good. Very good. Thanks for that. What are you doing there? Look, I'm just trying to access everything. Stop trying to play fucking Minecraft and use one hand on the mic. All right, all right, all right.

Sorry. I'm trying to get this new software going. I've gotten rid of the random name generator is my point. Yes. Yep. So this new software that you seem confident enough in to bin the old one. Yep. This already seems like more trouble than it's worth.

This seems worse than the random name generator. No, but like the first time you use it, you know, you're not going to get on there and clock it straight away. Oh, so you've come in, you haven't even bothered taking it out of the box or anything before you've, we did record. I'm installing it now. Right. I mean, I forgot to install it.

Right. Okay. Yeah. Okay. So now i'm just i'm just you know that thing when you install something and immediately there's an update already yeah and you gotta wait for the zip file to unzip and all that kind of shit yeah yeah yeah okay okay i think i think i've got it ready all right all right here we go and let's give it the test run uh okay i think i think we're ready to go okay and what's the software called the unplanned title alternator

oh okay right so this is like a okay this is sort of a different this is a different company kind of having a crack

at that similar software yeah this is like you know in my eyes the random name generator was like the MS Paint yeah

whereas this is clearly the unplanned title alternator is clearly the the Adobe Photoshop well alternator is clearly the Adobe Photoshop. Well, yeah, this is like people who like you, you know, you tell them that you bought an iPad and they're like, should have gotten a Galaxy Note. Okay, right.

These people are abandoned because everyone's gotten sick of the random name generator. They took the headphone jack out. You know, they've admitted that they kind of build in planned obsolescence and now people are jumping shit over to the, what is it? The untitled. The unplanned title alternator. The unplanned title alternator.

Catchy, don't you think? Yeah, the UTA. Yeah. Yes, okay. Totally, totally. You know, because the old, you know, like you said, it was like the iPhone. It was like the new random name generator.

There was no actual room for any names to come out in the end. Just pointless in the end in a way, don't you think? Yeah, totally. And it's just like we've used some version of that software for 10 years now. It's like a cult. It's just easy to get the new one because it's saved all your username data and everything. But this thing, heaps cheaper as well. I don't know why it didn't make the move ages ago.

Heaps cheaper. And everything's available on it now anyway. It used to be that you couldn't get most things on it, but now they've kind of caught up. Yeah. The old thing, random name generator, thousands of dollars a week. This thing, heaps cheaper. Okay.

You going to ask me how much? Oh, okay. Well, just refresh me. How much was the old one? Thousands of dollars. Thousands and thousands of dollars. And this unplanned title… Alternator. Alternator.

Yeah. Fucking hell. I'm never going to remember that because the word alternate barely has anything to do with what it's doing. Anyway. Hey, look. No, no. Fine, fine fine fine i'm not questioning it i know you're not the developer pray tell how much did this cost 69 great fantastic a week yep oh okay what's better than thousands well i mean yeah but if we use it for enough week it's weeks it's gonna end up being thousands yeah but that was the other thing was thousands per week. Ah, right. Okay. We're saving a lot. Well, I never knew that. Yeah.

Well, I've told you three times now. Okay. Right. Okay, great. Okay, great. Look, I want to be positive about this. This is a new thing. I've just got it out of the box.

It's got that new smell. Ah. Pull the little bit of kind of cling film that's on the screen. Ah, so good. I feel like keeping it on there for as long as I can. Yeah. Yeah. All right.

I've got to get a, I've got to get a, like a protective case. A protective case. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got to get a case. Yeah. Yeah. You should have tried to get them to throw one of them in at the store. Yeah.

Oh, look, I was that mad about the random name generator. I was just like, fuck this. Just give me it now. Well, that's why they say it's like, don't go to the supermarket hungry. It's like, don't go to the, don't go to the name generator store. Without names. In an angry... Yeah, totally.

I know what you mean. I think that was the original saying. So the supermarket one came off that. Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm trying to think of what's been around for longer and I can't remember a time before random name generator. Random names have been around a lot longer than food. Very true.

Very, very true. Yeah. All right, let's crack into this. Right, thank true. Yeah. All right. Let's crack on. All right. Let's crack into this. Right. Thank you. And remember, if you bust us doing the same number,

call in. Please. And you'll get those free John Farnham tickets. Call in first, though. Don't slack. Don't slack off. Don't sit there thinking I might call in 69th. Yeah.

We don't have like an unplanned Farnsey alternator machine that we can just give out random tickets until the end of time. It's not the fifth caller. We're not sitting there going, you know, we'll take five today. Yep. You know. I don't think anyone's ever said that. Right.

Here we go. Let's go. Let's spin the wheel here. Oh, it's a wheel. Yeah, let's say it is. $69 a month for an analog wheel seems a bit rich. That's the graphic. I think it's nice.

Oh, it's a graphic. Okay, right, right, right. Here we go. Thank you to Patreon. Oh, this has paid for itself already. This is great. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Timothy Sheaves. Timothy Sheaves.

Now, Sheaves is a great name. Yeah, Sheaves of paper, I guess. Sheaves. S-H-E-E-V-E-S. No, E-A-V-E-S. E-A. Sheaves. Yeah, Sheaves of paper, I guess. Sheaves. S-H-E-E-V-E-S. No, E-A-V-E-S. E-A. Sheaves. Yeah, Sheaves.

Sheaves, yeah. Sheaves. Okay. Yeah, Timothy. The full name, Timothy. He hasn't gone with a short, you know, abbreviation. He's somewhat a bit more dignified, don't you think? It always makes me think of, like, an underdeveloped child

that hasn't eaten enough. Yeah, Timothy. Some skinny skinny some skinny fop that's what i always think right so you think he's a bit of a dandy a bit of a right okay that's that's what timothy says to me no one's ever no timothy has ever stolen my lunch money is what i'm trying to say interesting no one's ever gone fuck me dead timothy how did you bench press that much? Well Sheevzy If you've ever indeed Hey let us know

What side do you fall on? Bench pressing? Lunch money stealing? Have you done either of these things? Are you an underdeveloped child? Are these the bullies or the bullied? Yeah These names

I would say he's the bullied Timothy Yeah It's Sheevzy Timothy Sheevzy I'm going to say probably bullied as well. Yeah.

But hey, you know what? Feel free, if you've ever killed someone, if you've ever kicked the shit out of someone at school, feel free to email us and confess to your crimes.

Yeah. This person seems more like someone that's either given me their sandwich or has delivered me a sandwich on a tray. Great. Well, thanks Sheavesy. Thanks Sheaves. And thanks me a sandwich on a tray. Great. Well, thanks, Sheevzy.

Thanks, Sheevs. And thanks for the sandwich. All right. This is one from one so far. Fuck, this is... I love 2018. That was gold. What a time to be alive in with this technology.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber. Well, he's a familiar name for both of us. Tommy. Thank you to Katrina O'Dwyer. Ah. Yeah. Someone that came to Koh Samui with us in 2017. Someone who used to work at,

a lot of people have been to Comedy at Spleen before on a Monday night that I at least co-run. She used to work behind the bar there and she got into the podcast through being at Spleen and has not been there

for years and years and years but still listens still listens and not only that subscribes on Patreon yes and came to

the Coastal Movie Podcast Festival in 2017 and she along with her partner one thing that I remember about that was

that she went to Cafe 69 by herself. Nice. No, the two of them, sorry. It was officially dinner for two. Excellent. Okay. So when you said by herself, you meant literally the opposite. Yes.

Okay. So she went with her partner. Yes. And what's the partner's name? Grey Crest. Grey Crest. Hey, you know what? You don't have to remember that.

He's not chipping in. Yeah. I mean, unless, hey, maybe it's Timothy Sheaves. Look, sure, it would be just slightly respectful to remember it. Sure. But. Of course, it's a thing that any decent person would do. Yes, totally.

But I am particularly bad with names. I am an absolute shocker. So, no. I am only absolute shocker. So, no. I am only remembering Katrina's name because it's written down right in front of me, really. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's been alternated at me. Well, thanks, Katrina.

Yeah. Thanks for all your support over the years. Yeah. She's a real early adopter. Yeah. And also, she, I hope I'm not talking out of school here, but she went to, she came to Koh Samui 2017, podcast festival, but she had been there a year earlier, I guess, a year or two earlier.

She was recovering from an illness and she went over there to recuperate and spent a day or two in Koh Samui and spent days in Copenhagen and Koh Samui and she was messaging me, I remember, from Koh Samui and her asking for advice on where to go. One of my favourite things to do.

Yes. So, hitting me up saying, I'm in Koh Samui, where do I go? And I'm like, oh, here's the list.

Here's what you should do. Yeah. So, she went to Greenbird. Oh, yep. Stayed at a hotel that at the time I thought was very nice that now absolutely pales in comparison to the Ozo Chowing Snowy.

Yeah, went to a bunch of places and very much enjoyed it and obviously so much that she came back to the podcast. Great. Yeah. So thanks, Katrina. Well, good on you, Kat. Yeah. O'Dwyer, O.D.

Oh. Is that something? That's a bad thing that happens to people. Yeah. you, Kat. Yeah. O'Dwyer, O.D. Oh. Is that something? That's a bad thing that happens to people. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Well, are we going to see her in 2018? Do you know that? I, look.

It'd be nice for you to get a chance to learn this fella's name, if nothing else. Well, look, Kat, hit me up privately. Tell me what his name is. Plus, if you're coming in 2018, maybe introduce him to me. Maybe get him to wear a shirt with his name on it for the whole five days. That'd be great. It would really help me out.

I'm roasting you about this because I'm equally as bad, and so I'm just going there, but for the grace of God, go I. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm an absolute shocker with names. But I've got a feeling they're not coming. Okay. I've got a distinct feeling they're not going to come. But prove me wrong, Katrina and what's your name?

Wobzy. Wobzy. All right. Thanks, Katrina. Thanks, Kat. Thank you too. Boom, straight away. Bang.

This fucking instantaneous fame. It's fast, isn't it? This is good. These used to take ages and we are ripping through this. Oh, I feel like we could. I was only planning on doing two of these this week, but this has gone so quick I reckon we could knock out over twice that. Stretch out.

Yeah. Twice in a bit. Yeah. Well, let's see how we go. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Matthew Mills. Millsy. Yeah, big M-M. The big double M.

M-N-M. Nice. Have a good fucking M Big M-M. The big double M. M-N-M. Nice. Have a good fucking M&M. Yeah. Hey, maybe this is like a Is this a clue? Is this maybe a clue that maybe this is M&M? Oh, is this this? Oh, I thought you meant maybe it was going to be one of the cartoon lollies from the ad. No. The sexy green one.

This could be him donating under an assumed name. Oh. And this is the clue that we've already worked out very quickly. Matthew Mills, M&M. What do you think? Could this be the great Marshall Mathers? Yeah, it could be. I mean, anything's possible.

He sold a bit of mum's spaghetti and sent us the proceeds. Isn't it weird how the mum's spaghetti thing just became a big meme in the last two years? It just kind of sat there for a long time and then all of a sudden people went, that's a funny line. I feel like people have been saying it for longer than that. Really? Yeah.

It seems like there's been a real resurgence of it in the last little while. I don't know. I would say, in my opinion, it has been going for quite a while. I would say it's been going since it came out. Really? But there was no memes back then yeah okay yeah i feel like maybe memes were created around that lyric it was an audio meme yeah okay yep yep um well hey happy to have him on board yeah i mean look i don't care for all of his potty mouth on his rapping no no and i mean your mom is the person who created you so you got to give her some respect yeah and he doesn't. No. No, and I mean, your mum is the person who created you, so you've got to give her some respect. Yeah, and he doesn't give her a lot of respect, does he?

No, he gives her, I mean, he gives her, I mean, she must feel like Rodney Dangerfield. Yeah. She's getting no respect. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's not very cool. I mean, like I've said before on the program, I bring my mum twice a day, every two days I should say.

It's not too far off, twice a day. It's pretty far off. Yeah. It's only a day and a half off. Over a week, that's 14 versus like, well, alternating three or four. Yeah. Big difference. Yeah, okay.

But hey, you know what? Eminem, he's probably calling his mum like what? None. And if he's calling her at all, it's to say, get fucked, you bitch. So, you know. That's not cool. Not cool at all. No.

Well, thanks, Marshall. In this case, I would say be more like me than Eminem. What's going on with Dr. Dre where, you know, he sees this guy and he's like, hey, man, I'm going to – He's locked in the basement. Yeah. He's like, I'm going to produce you, man. I'm going to make you a big star.

And he's like, yeah, cool. Anyway, let me keep telling you about how fucked my mum is. Like how did that relationship ever get off the ground? Maybe did he first meet Dr. Dre because he thought he was a psychiatrist or something? I'm going to sit on your couch and tell you about this problem I got with my mum. No, he thought Dr. Dre was like Dr. Kevorkian and could just off his mum in her sleep. Right. Wow.

Well, you know what? Luckily enough, for everyone involved in that story, neither of those things were the case. And hey, lucky for us, the record-buying public. Yeah, you're right. We are lucky. I feel lucky because I've enjoyed some of his work, some of the nicer stuff, not some of the dark stuff that makes me think,

no, don't do that. Yeah, don't do that. Yeah, that's what I think. I mean, luckily for him, he's had this great success and there's been that whole concept store built around him in Times Square where you can go in and, you know, for some reason, get merchandise that you can eat about him. Yeah, I never understood that.

I kind of guess – I mean, I'm not a huge fan, so I kind of always assumed that was just like a lyric, like a deep cut lyric that I didn't understand. Yeah. anyone knows what that's about it feels weird to me that someone some company out there have decided to make chocolates and name them after a very potty mouth rapper it's weird isn't it and the and the chocolate all being kind of centered around kids as well as yeah yeah yeah i mean you even you know you see those like little m&ms that talk on the ads don't they come out and rap? Yeah.

Don't they talk about fucking killing their wife or anything like that? Not only do they not get on there and talk about hating their mums, it's not even clear if they have mums to begin with. I say do one thing or the other. So those little cartoon M&Ms, talk about sticking their wife in the boot of the car and chucking her in the river. Yes.

Or don't call yourself Eminem at all. Yes, great. Call yourself something else. Yeah. All right? Well, great. I'll put that out there. We'll see if there's any action next week.

Well, thanks, Marty Monster or whatever the fuck this guy's name was. Thanks, Memoria. All right. Lots to chew on with Matthew Mills. Lots to chew on there. Yeah. Lots to chew on there. Yeah. All right. Here we go.

Thank you, too. Oh, God. You know what? This is unbelievable. You know, in the past, I've said, I'll just hit this button. I have just – we stopped. There was a little pause in the conversation, and it heard that. It was like a bit voice activated.

Yeah. And just hit the generator again. Oh, just automatically? The alternator just took off by itself. It could sense that we'd got to the end of the name. Oh, I thought you were saying this name was related to the last name. No. Like this was going to be like all of D12 or something.

No, no, no. Right, right. No, no, no, no. No, it was a bit Siri-like. You know, it could hear, it could sense. Yeah. We needed a new name and up pops one. And again, these features are great because they just help us,

as people can tell, just race through it. Yeah. We're getting this done so much quicker than usual. Yeah, yeah. I don't think we've ever done beyond three and we're up to our fourth one already. We're up to our fourth one. And because this is going so quickly, we are going to have so much extra time to play with after this.

Great. Like we could do any number of things when we finish doing this. I can feel people at home already saying, man, I wish this would go for longer. Yes. This is great. All right. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Tom Mann. Tom Mann.

Tom Mann. That's his name. This now – That's a person's name. I'm going to – this can't be a real name. Mann with a double N. Tom Mann. Look, you're saying that can't be a name.

Have we ever had a made-up name on this thing before? No. Well, no. No. I mean, there's a first time for everything. Well, given the success we've had so far. We'd never had Eminem donate until a minute ago. With the alternator.

Yeah. And you're saying what you think. You think we're going to have some failure now. God, you are fucking dreaming, buddy. Well, I mean. Tom Mann. I don't love it. You don't love it? I don't love it.

You don't love it? I don't love it for a lot of reasons. I love it. It's the M on Tom running into the man I don't like. I don't like that. You're a fool. It's clunky. You're a fool.

Tom man. Tom man. It's a simple, clean cut name. It's not simple. It's weird. Of course it is. It's not simple. It's weird.

It's two syllables. It's seven letters.'s weird. Of course it is. It's not simple. It's weird. It's two syllables. It's seven letters. What could be more simple? One syllable and two letters. Like what? Er. So you think er is a better name than Tom and Anne? Yes.

Yes. Two letters for a name. Two letters, one syllable. It doesn't get more simple than that. How do you spell it? U-H. That's not even simple. How's that not simple?

It's like you think it, you're trying to remember the name, you go, uh, and you've done it. No. You don't need to remember it. Because that's not even phonetically very good. Like, if you're going to be called er, you should be called E-R. Okay, well then that would be my favourite name. Because U-H is a bit like uh. Uh, okay. Well, E-R. You have to admit, E called er, you should be called er. Okay, well, then that would be my favourite name. Because then u-h is a bit like ah.

Ah, okay. Well, er. You have to admit, er. You can't forget it. You trying to remember it means that you're saying... It's forget proof. You as someone who doesn't remember names, you should be loving this.

Look, it's fine if that was the only option. But I've got Tom Mann over here and that is fucking great. You've got a simple name, Tom Mann. You've got the sex of yourself in there as well so that no one's under any illusion. You're going to be saying, well, is that a lady or is that a man? Okay, well, several things about this. This person could have gendered body dysmorphia. And so that's going to be even more of an –

they've not only got to overcome the body that they were born into that is wrong, they've got to overcome the surname that is just this permanent reminder of this thing that they don't want to be. I'm going to say having body dysmorphia is easier to deal with than having the name Er, that's your entire name. It's gender neutral, so it can be whatever you want. You're saying this is your favourite name because it's easy to remember.

I bet if I say to you next week, what was that name that you're obsessed with, you won't be able to remember. You test me next week. You test me next week. Well, I'm going to need to have the unplanned title alternator so that you can't cheat and look at it again. Well, you might have to have that. But you know what?

This time next week, my name might be Tom Mann. That's how much I like his name. Wow. Yeah. Fantastic. I'd be surprised if more people aren't called Tom Mann by next week. If anyone has any kids out there, this week, give that name a try. Call them.

Yeah. If you're due soon, race down to that post office, change your last name in anticipation of them coming out and then call them Tom. Yep. Okay, fantastic. If you're not pregnant, maybe adopt a baby in the next week.

Well, thanks, Tomo. Thanks, Tomo Manzi. Yep. Thanks, TM. Thanks. You are da man. That's what I say. Great.

Now we're getting to the bottom of why you read it out. Well, it's better than being called Tom Woman, don't you think? Wow. That's confusing. Wow. Tom Woman? I mean, that's just genuinely confusing. Yeah.

Okay. Well, you're right. That would be confusing. Yeah. Yeah. See? Streamlined. I told you.

This is simple, strong, good. Okay. Right. you're right. That would be confusing. Yeah. Yeah. See, streamlined. I told you, this is simple, strong, good. Okay. Right. Oh, fuck. That's really taken it out of me. All right. Okay. All right.

Well, look, like any good thing, you don't want to have too much on the first go and, you know, get spoiled and think, get sick of it. This is still a bright bright shining toy for me. Yeah. This has been fucking great. I don't want to go back for seconds in dessert. I just want this taste in my mouth to come back and think, you know, go to bed tonight and go, you know what?

I can't wait for dessert tomorrow night. I'm going to get some more of that. So you have your dinner and your desserts on separate days. No. So you get up in the morning and you have dessert from the dinner that you had the night before. No. I you get up in the morning and you have dessert from the dinner that you had the night before. No.

I have my dinner, I have my dessert. I have just enough that I'm not sick of it and then I think, you know what, tomorrow night I'll have the same dessert because I'm not sick of it. There's still some ice cream left in the tub. Yeah. Right. Totally. Okay.

You don't eat too much and you get sick of things. So. Well, we have to just make sure that this isn't whatever number we're ending on now. My point being, we'll do one more. Okay. Okay. But, I mean, we have to make sure that we haven't done this number before. Otherwise, we're going to be giving out some sweet John Farnham tickets.

I'm pretty damn sure that we've never done Beyond Food. Okay, good enough for me. Let's go. Yep. Great. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Tram Comedy. Okay. Two, patron subscriber, tram comedy. Okay, so now, look, probably should have mentioned this earlier. What?

But for any of our overseas listeners, tram is a mode of transport that we have in Melbourne. Oh, is it? And not in, well, I mean, there's some cities have like one or two of them, but they are the most common form of public transport in the city of Melbourne where we live. Right, okay. For our international listeners. Sure.

Who've been bewildered for the last hour and a half. Right, yeah. That's fair. Oh, you think that that's, oh, right, okay. Or just the word tram because that's the guest on this episode that people just heard, Nick Mason. He drives a tram. Oh, I didn't think about that. Right. I just thought that's someone's name. That's like maybe on this episode that people just heard, Nick Mason. He drives a tram. I didn't think about that.

Right. I just thought that's someone's name. That's like maybe an Asian name. I mean, it is. I mean, it may be an Asian name. Yeah. Yeah, tram comedy, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. I mean, I don't have any to be – look, if I'm going to complain about one thing with this new software, with the unplanned title alternator, the old software used to have a bit of detail about who this was and where it was from and stuff like that. Look, it might be there. I'm not familiar with the software at the moment. So that's not happening anymore?

I only just uploaded it. That's a shame. It's a damn shame. Yeah. Well, maybe by next week we might have cracked it. Oh, if it's got in-app purchases, then we should just sign on to that. Yeah, we'll do that. So I didn't know whether that's maybe an Asian listener or whether,

now that you've brought that up, maybe that's an actual tram that's sort of gone sentient. Sentient. Sentient. What did I say? Sentient. Sentient. What did I say? Sentiment? So it somehow worked out how to gain control of the MyKey scanner, put them online and somehow boot up Patreon.com from the MyKey scanning machine.

So we're getting people's… This is like the Knight Rider of trance. Yeah. This is like getting kit comedy. Yes. Signing up to us. But it's tram comedy. It's tram comedy.

Well, I don't know. I mean, what's more likely? Well, what route number do you think this is? Look, I wish I had the info. I wish I had the info. But maybe it's given away. You know what? There might be a clue in how much they've donated.

I'll just check it. Yep. Or I've just checked it.'s 69 right yeah okay i don't know well and the only number that a tram would be familiar with would be the route that it is so i think it's a fair assumption that this is the number 69 i think a tram that's become sentient yeah it doesn't how what what how would it know what any numbers are uh, if it's smart enough to do that and then send us money, surely it's found out about numbers. But it's gained sentience. It hasn't gone...

It just becomes aware that it's alive. It doesn't get all the known knowledge in the universe. All right. Okay. All right. Well, what's more likely, that this has all happened or that this is just an Asian subscriber? I don't know. It's interesting. Well, I's more likely, that this has all happened or that this is just an Asian subscriber? I don't know.

It's interesting. Well, I guess we'll hear from them. We'll definitely hear from them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So we always like to hear. Whenever we ask questions as a subscriber, we generally hear something back.

So hopefully. Yeah. Hopefully in the next week we get something back from Tram Comedy and we can finally figure out who this is we're dealing with. And if you are a sentient tram, you know, how can they – yeah, maybe there's a way they can get in touch. You know those emergency intercom things? Yeah.

Maybe they can just reroute that to dial 0438 and that's how they let you know. I'm very confused by the whole thing. To be honest, I've got more questions if they're an Asian subscriber. I think that's more confusing. That's bizarre. That's really bizarre. I don't think we've ever had that happen.

I've never heard of such a thing. I'm pretty sure we've had a tram before, but yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, there's millions of them in the world, so. I reckon that'll do. All right. Time to go to bed, I reckon. All right, guys.

Thank you for listening to Talking Dumb Dumb for another week. Get on the website. Brisbane, Adelaide, Melbourne, Koh Samui, all the live shows coming up. Heaps of merchandise for you to proudly show your support of the show. A lot of singlets been selling lately. So while it's still summer in the southern hemisphere, guys, crack on. Go and get a singlet, especially if you're looking to go to Thailand in June with us show that you're part of the pack

grab yourself a singlet it's got Tommy Dasler's little original design on it absolutely 100% original so grab one of them they are racing at the door at the moment which is great because that's what I want them to do yes alright guys thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time.

See you, mate. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. It's not optional. You have to do it. We used to go easy on it, but now you have to. Yeah. Yeah.