The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 382 - Lehmo & Dilruk Jayasinha

Episode Date: January 30, 2018

This week, it's the long overdue return of LEHMO plus our ol' pal DILRUK JAYASINHA! Together we brainstorm some other podcasts that Tommy's dad could write pornos for, we hear an update of Karl's recent trip to Thailand, Dil has some breaking news about a new ongoing challenge and Lehmo learns of his inclusion on a certain list!Don't forget, we have a bunch of huge live shows coming up:BRISBANE: We're coming back for an afternoon of huge live podcasts! MARCH 10.ADELAIDE: God help us, we're coming back. Don't make us regret it. MARCH 17MELBOURNE: We've got a month of awesome live shows happening for the month of APRIL. KOH SAMUI: The Koh Samui International Podcast Festival is happening again in 2018 with guests The Dollop! JUNE 13 - 18. For tickets, merchandise, links to our Patreon and heaps of other stuff, head to our website: littledumdumclub.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with special guests Limo and Dilruk Jaisingar. But first of all, we have to let you know about some things that are coming up around the country for us. First of all, Saturday, March the 10th in Brisbane, we are doing a huge live double podcast. You excited, Carl? Yes, we're at a new location with the new Globe Theatre. We've outgrown our old regular venue there,

so there's more room for you guys to pack in. Tickets are selling very well. Saturday, March the 10th at 4pm. Back to back, great guests confirmed already. It is going to be an absolute banger. Where are we off to next weekend? Then Adelaide, Saturday, March the 17th. We are doing pretty much

the same thing but with less people in the room watching it. Two big episodes back to back. Again, great guests in town for that one. It's going to be a real hoot. No comment. And then it is back home for a month of huge shows

in April. This is the what, sixth year or something we've done this? In Melbourne, of course. In Melbourne, yeah. Hometown shows. Four shows back-to-back every Sunday at 3 o'clock, what is it, April 1, 8, 15 and 22, culminating in the drunk cast late night on the 22nd.

So if you go to our website, you'll find out exactly how you can get season passes that guarantee you a primo entry into the drunk cast, all the rules, all the locations and times and whatever. Excellent, excellent guests already booked in, Tommy. I will say a recurring favorite who only ever appears at the live shows in April has just locked in one. Wow. So don't miss that. Nick Capper.

Oh, great. I'm surprised his management are allowing you to name him like that. So, yes, those are always awesome, huge guests. Yes, we also have our solo shows currently on sale. Mine is called Ledger Suit Tommy. It is on for the first two weeks of the festival at the Cooper's Inn. Mine is called Couch Island Shit List. It's on the next two weeks after Tommy's is over at the European Beer Cafe.

So get to the website, get all of that. And, of course, looming in the background is the Koh Samui Podcast Festival in June, which is rapidly, rapidly selling out. All of a sudden, we had a bit of an update this week, and it's the beautiful Ozo Chuing Samui Resort. It's gotten so popular that it's sort of turned into a bit of a pain in the ass to organize. Maybe we'll talk a bit more about that in the back end. Yeah, great.

So, for now, littledumbdumbclub.com, tickets, all that stuff. Come and see us live. Come check us out. But meanwhile, enjoy this episode with Dilwook Jai Singer and the Limo. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Thank you very much for joining us.

And sitting opposite me is the other half of the program, the great man, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. Hey, so we have heaps of different merchandise on sale that people can buy, a range of T-shirt designs, including one that is a, let's call it a riff on the design of the bintang singlet. Yes, I wouldn't have said that, but I would have said a completely original design.

Well, I was driving down the street the other day and I saw someone wearing one of these bin tank singlets, one of these dum-dum singlets. Stop saying fucking. Well, I saw someone wearing one of them and I put my window down and gave it a bit of, get a dickhead, not just a regular old bin tank singlet, I reckon. Should have remembered that we didn't get ours printed on the back.

To be fair, if he's wearing that, he would have copped that a few times. He deserves it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I had to sort of then quickly just put the accelerator down a little bit more to get a bit more distance between me and this gentleman. But, yeah. Dilruch is, I mean, whoever the future guest is on this program in the next couple of minutes is wearing one right at the moment.

Yes, well, let's welcome our two guests in today. First of all, Dilwook Jai Singer. Hello. Good to be back in the studio, Eb. I can't believe you're on. Yeah. What are the chances? My God.

Imagine the number of people that had cancelled before I got the call up. Finally. He's back. He's back. So there's – no, I'd like the – I'm speaking before I've been introduced. Yeah, I know. But I do love the dum-dum T-shirt that he's got on. Do you want to introduce yourself?

It's Limo. Yay! Limo! Limo! It's almost a catchphrase now, isn't it? It's Limo. I can't believe I gave that over so easily because it's so fun to introduce you. I can't believe he picked it.

Could be anyone. Could be anyone. I got't believe he picked it. Could be anyone. Could be anyone. I got it. I got it. It is a good t-shirt but as you point out Carl,

yelling out hello dickhead to someone in a bintang singlet is a very safe description of that individual.

They wouldn't have even turned around. They'd just be like yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what I miss? Ed Hardy. I don't see that as much anymore. Get to the Gold Coast, mate.

I go on Tuesday. He actually does go on Tuesday. I talked about it. Are you getting picked up by a driver perchance? No, why? Oh, the driver will be in an Ed Hardy t-shirt. Is that formal wear up there? It's formal wear.

Is that what chauffeurs wear? Are you working at a wedding? Because you'll see Ed Hardy T-shirts everywhere. Wow. But they were around a lot, like, say, the mid-2000s. But they copped so much shit that they just did not survive. Oh, wow. We should do a T-shirt that's a riff on Ed Hardy.

Just shit all over it. Like, just pictures of us just in Diamantes. Ed Hardick. There it is. And get Warwick Capper to model it for you. Tim Hardy. I don't know, I think you might have sizzled this on the pod ages ago. Get Warwick Capper on. Imagine

just letting him lose. I'd be scared of, like he's the sort of guy that would think this is like a corporate thing to do and would charge a lot of money. Oh, right. I would guess. We could always crowd fund it. Warwick Capper's available charge a lot of money. Oh, right. I would guess. We could always crowdfund it. Warwick Cap is available for not much these days. Right, right. But that is a little higher than our budget.

Yeah, he was MC at your wedding. He was MC at my wedding and I believe his fee has dropped. So Warwick's like Bitcoin. We're just sitting waiting for the value to drop and then we'll buy in when the market's looking a bit better. But his high of Bitcoin was like in 1987. Yeah, true. When he took mark of the year on Chris Lankford, that was when his Bitcoin peaked.

He should have sold himself right then because that's the highest he was going to get. Was it mark of the year or when he was sleeping with allegedly Jeffrey Edelson's first wife? What do you think would be his pick out of those two? No, I would say the mark of the year. Yeah. Being in Playboy is pretty cool. Was he in Playboy? He was in Playboy, wasn't he?

As a couple? You know what? I'm sure he has been. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have no doubt. And if he hasn't been in Playboy, he would have taken a dick pic, cut it out, and pasted it into a Playboy. Yeah, yeah.

Just so when you go around to his house, you go, look at me, playboy. On Pamela Anderson. Yeah. He's had his own porno. I mean, that's as good as anything else. Which one of us haven't? Who hasn't?

Exactly. Friends of mine have been to his house in the Gold Coast. Yep. Filming stuff. We used him a few times before the game. And each of the people I know who went to his house, the first thing he did in the tour of the house, the very first thing was show them his porno.

Not put it on but just get the tape and go, yeah, check that out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've heard he did footy club gigs and would just put it on despite people not wanting to see it. But also, I mean. Imagine doing that like you're getting paid as a stand-up at a footy club and you go, guys, check this out.

Just hold up your phone. Look at this. Look at me dick pics. Oh, look, I'll say this. I've made heaps of pornos. I just haven't filmed any of them. Probably dozens at this point. Were they just plays?

Yeah, acoustic porno. No audience. Just a lot of trial shows Yeah A lot of rehearsals I just, on porn, I've been listening to I mean, I don't want to mention a rival I've been listening to porn I don't want to mention a rival podcast

But there's a great podcast called The Butterfly Effect by John Ronson Where he talks about the porn industry Our direct competitor For fuck's sake, Limo, come on John Ronson does have a very faint effeminate voice, so in that way he kind of is my rival. He doesn't say kind as much. And one of the impacts of online porn, the online porn revolution,

is that for porn stars to get work now, what they're doing is bespoke work for rich clients. So really rich people will write their own script, send it to porn stars and say – Call me Daslow's dad. Yeah. My dad has written two pornos that we've read out on this show. Shut up.

Yeah. That he's – is he getting them made or has he just written them for your entertainment? For years and – for about a decade he's been saying that he's working on a porno and so finally I got him to – and I would say to him – When you say working on a porno, like he's writing it, not that he's on set as the fluffer or whatever. This one porno is taking ten years to film.

For ten years he's been getting research, just boning all around Malvern. But I would say to him, where is it? Is it written down? And he'd look at me and go, not written down, all up here. And tap the temple. Tap his cock. Yeah. People can't see what you're tapping.

And so we talked about it on the show and then I followed him up and I got him to put pen to paper and we read it out at a live show and then he did a follow up recently for another live show that we've done. I think this is his life now. You're right. I think he's going to slide into retirement

and just write porn all the time. I thought he'd quit because I thought he got the shits up about our last performance of his script. Breakfast at Tiffany's. Yes. That's what it was called. Sorry, for Limo's sake, the names of the two pornos that he's written are Breakfast at Tiffany's, Very Horny. Is there a Hologalightly character?

That's the Audrey Hepburn character. Right, right. I was hoping there was the Mickey Rooney racist Asian character who comes in and goes – okay, I'm not going to say it. Me so horny. And then the other one was the Eye of the Tiger. Yeah. So he did get the shits that we read it out and were making fun of it

and because we took so – we deviated so much from the script, it was ruining the flow. You were making fun of it. And because we took so, we deviated so much from the script, it was ruining the flow. You were disrespecting the script. And how's this, Limor? This is while it was happening in the live show, he had his own script with him and he was reading along. All stuck together as well. He was masturbating onto the original script.

So now he's selling it as a wanksy. I actually haven't asked this. What does your mum think about all this? I don't know. Because she was there at the live show listening along without her own script. She knows it's happening and she doesn't seem too put off by it. She's writing her own fan fiction about the porn itself, like what happens to the characters.

I think maybe she just doesn't get what a porno is. I don't think your dad gets what a porno is, to be fair, though. Yeah, there actually is no fucking in this last one. Breakfast at Tiffany's, the last thing we see is just curtains closing and in his head that's the porno. That's where it ends. Yeah. There is no sex in it.

Oh, there's no sex? No. Well, technically I would say, yeah, maybe not a porno. It's like an erotic fiction, but it's kind of like just a foreplay, you know, just a tickle of the balls in terms of erotic fiction. Oh, look, I would – Is there more? What else?

There's not even a tickle of the balls in there. There's not even a tickle of the balls in there. Limo. I'm done. Too lucky. Limo, yeah. I want to see a new podcast, Limo's written a porno You've inspired me now

I'm going to go away wrong I'm going to pitch my dad's work To John Ronson For the second season Oh you really should This is one of the impacts Because the whole thing Is about the impact

Of the online porn industry This is one of the impacts Like your dad Yeah so this bespoke stuff Because a lot of it Isn't even sexual. So it's just people will go, I want to watch a nude woman just sitting next to a teddy bear and they go, okay.

Yep, and then they'll make it. Or there was one about a guy had a stamp collection and he just wanted to see three hot chicks trample over it and mock it and then burn it. Mock it? Wow. And then burn it. And then burn it and then a guy had to walk in the room who was playing the guy who had the stamp collection

and then one of the girls would just give him a wristie while they're watching the stamps burn. Yeah, it's pretty good. Why doesn't your dad write something as good as that? Imagine doing that if that was your thing like with your jokes, Carl. It's like what I'm into is my short jokes written where people stand on it, mock it and then burn it. And then that's what's getting jacked off in the corner.

He's been in the country a couple of times in the last couple of years and I've always thought he'd be a bit dry. But the more we talk about it, I'm like, we've got to get John Ronson in here. Totally. The big rival. He wrote a whole book about people being called a cunt on Twitter. I mean, he'd fit right in. He gets it.

He could write a book on us on about one month of episodes. He's called The Psychopath Test. The men who stare at a blank calendar. So you've been shamed on a podcast. You've been fat shamed on a podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good. He'll be very interested in your story, dear.

Very interested. Can I say as well, I love the Dasolo family history, how it goes stand-up comedian, Tommy Dasolo, porn author, Tommy's father. Slash actor. And then inventor of Vegemite. I wonder if he knew. Weird flow.

I wonder if he knew when he was fucking around with that yeast extract that this is the lineage that he was setting in motion yeah great grandad invented the spinning Jenny or whatever they're saying all these

different inventions great great grandfather invented fire okay yeah I can't wait for Daslo to have a son and be a human widget spinner

or whatever fidget spinner fidget spinner fidget spinner fidget spinner fidget spinner fidget spinner fidget spinner fidget spinner. Him at widget spinner.

I think you just invented something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what's a widget spinner? That's just like an ad. That's a Thai version of the fidget spinner. Right, right. Wasn't that a great, because when we were in Koh Samui in the middle of last year for the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival.

I'm sorry, where? The fidget spinner craze had just kind of kicked off here and wasn't that a big lesson now in how quickly that stuff is making its way over there? Yeah, yeah. Every market we went to, they were already on it. No more DVDs. I bought one. I bought one from there.

A fidget spinner. A fidget spinner. No, a widget spinner. A widget spinner. Did it break on the flight home? No, no, I still have it. It's in my travel bag. I like fidgeting with it while I'm bored in the airport.

Do you like fidgeting with it? It makes people very nervous when a brown guy is fidgeting in his bag in an airport. That's why you've got to widget with it instead. But yeah, like no DVDs or anything like apparently used to be the case. Whereas now it's just like walls of fidget spinners. Yeah, I bought bootleg Lego. Did you really? I bought a fake Lego set, yeah.

Yeah, right. I've just come back, obviously. Do they still sell DVDs? They don't. And it is sad. It's sad in that way. Do they sell like knock-off Spotify playlists? No.

They sell – because I've been going to Costa Moya every year for like five years, six years. Every year? Every month. Every year. Every quarter. He goes every year. It's just how many times in that year he like five years, six years. Every month. Every year. Three months. Every quarter. He goes every year. It's just how many times in that year.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's true. You're right. So when I first started going there, there would be people there that I met that were like, oh, it's not like it used to be. And I'd be like, what are you talking about? This is fucking awesome. But I've now been there long enough where I'm the one going, oh, it's not like it used

to be. There used to be DVD stores as long as the eye could see. And now it's all fidget spinner shops or whatever like that. Massages have doubled in prices. Yes. Well, they've gone up a little bit. A little bit, which is disappointing. It's all getting gentrified.

What does it cost you for a massage? How do you tell when you get a massage there if it comes with a happy ending or if it's a genuine massage? I can answer this. You can, yeah. Can you? No, no. No, because I've told you this, that I purposely didn't do any of the dodgy stuff

because I knew I'd get questioned about it. What? You didn't do any of the dodgy stuff? Because I was going for like four massages per day, right? And I was making sure that every single one of them was legit. Yeah, well, how did you know that every one of them was legit? Because there's a big window where I'm on the beach, like in the public where kids are playing and stuff. No, no, I always think that. You know what I mean? I'm pretty sure. Yeah, you where I'm on the beach, like in the public where kids are playing and stuff.

No, no, I always think that. You know what I mean? I'm pretty sure. Yeah, you can do it on the beach. I'm pretty sure they're not going to jack you off into a sandcastle. Yeah, yeah. So. Oh, keep it castle from frozen.

It'll keep it sturdier for longer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good formula. Yeah, so. It's a clag. Yeah. That's a good formula It's clag That's real mortar So I would say The difference is

When the people outside are too keen To get you in, that's what I would say Like at a stand up show If they're flyering their show If you're flying a show they're going to get in there and fuck you No but if the girls That are outside are really keen on getting you inside, that means that there's something else apart from the massage.

Well, Tommy, you wanted a massage and you asked me what's a good place in the city and I sent you to one which is like super legit because I said, I know they're so legit because my dad went in there, but because he's had major surgery, they refused to work on him. They're like, no, it's a risk. Unless he gets a letter from his doctor, we're not going to do it i'm like well if they're not desperate for cash i feel like these guys are pretty legit hey what what did you just your dad had what cock surgery so they didn't want to go there unless the doctor said it's fine he said

it was a heart surgery yeah he had heart surgery yeah and they said they wouldn't give him a massage yes that massage they kicked him out because they didn't want to give him a wristie at the end. They wanted him to have a heart attack. Yeah, I don't get it. It's like we can't have you too relaxed if you've got a bit of a bump. No, no. Because if he's lying on his stomach, then the ribs or whatever, like where the operation happens, they were like…

Because he got two ribs taken out. Well, the ribs are like... Marilyn Manson style. Or Prince. Or the number of other rumours. Or Prince. It's 1999. Look, if Dad had that surgery, he probably wouldn't be going for a massage.

Let's be fair. He sold himself out. It'd be one man happy ending. Imagine looking into like Thailand is like the home of like, oh, go and get cheap surgery done, actually going on a mission. I want to find a crooked Thai doctor who will take my bottom two ribs out. Forget the teeth whitening. I want the two ribs out.

I want to see that on Mythbusters. Those two guys. Well, with your dad. So they get the ribs removed. Yeah, to see. And then he's just like lying there on a yoga mat. Here it is, guys. Still wearing the beret.

Just completely nude. Here it is, guys. This is where we find out. Leads forward and snaps his neck. Busted. Not busted. She's busted. Oh's busters. Oh, wow.

All right. I didn't think we could get the level of this podcast down any further, but oh, well, there we go. I've got a friend of mine just on massages, went for a massage on the beach in Thailand, but inside a hut. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So no one could see. And he's getting a massage and he's got a boner

and the girl doing the massage says, oh, you want, and she signals like wristy action. The classic semaphore. Yeah, we all know the move. By the way, that would be fucking awesome if someone was trying to guide in a plane on one of those ships and they're doing the wristy signal as the plane's landing. It's coming in.

Land the plane, get out and jack me off. Get ready for impact. Or the two-handed Bacardi. Or just them doing that and someone else doing an extra, as in don't blow this. Cabin crew, prepare for takeoff. Sorry, go back. So he says, yeah, sure.

So the girl walks out and he's sitting there thinking, oh, great, this is awesome. He's sitting there waiting and she's gone for about two minutes and then she sticks her head back around and she goes, are you finished yet? and then she sticks her head back around and she goes, are you finished yet? I think I'd actually prefer that over someone jacking me off.

Just a few minutes alone. To jack yourself off? Yeah. Wow, really? Yeah. In a hut in Thailand, you know what? Don't touch it. I'm very, I'm a camophobe. I've done this before.

Just lay a couple of stamps on the floor and set it on fire and there you go. Trust me, I'm very goodophobe. I've done this before. Yeah, just lay a couple of stamps on the floor and set it on fire and you're ready to go. Trust me, I'm very good at this. Yeah. I don't want a pirate version of what I do. Exactly. Exactly. I've got needs and I'm the only one that understands.

Yeah, that's the widget spinner. Well, this explains why there's no money shots in your dad's porn. Yeah, good point. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Well, yeah, so, Tyler and I, I went there. I went there two weeks ago. I got there for a week or a tick under a week. Do they know you at the airport now?

Look, people do actually know me there now. Like there was a couple of restaurants I went into. He flies a plane. Iron Maiden style. The Chandler Jet. Bruce Dickinson style. I'm like, yeah, I know the way better than they do these days. Bruce Jack my Dickinson style. Trust me,, yeah, I know the way better than they do these days. Bruce Jack my Dickinson style.

Trust me, I know a shortcut. Let's go. So, no, I have been – there was a restaurant I went into where a couple of restaurants where people that worked there went, oh, this guy, oh, because they remember me very distinctly from previous trips and from the time at the Coastal Movie Podcast Festival in 2017 when I brought in 80 people one night when they were trying to close up and 80 people came in and absolutely made their year uh samui kangaroo yes lovely seafood restaurant yeah

is it no it is good it's called samui kangaroo it's literally it's one of those things where you that you just call it kangaroo because they think Australians are going to come in. What about the Italian place? What's that called? Dr. Frog. Oh, the good doctor. I went to the good doctor on the final day and it was a lovely meal. Lovely views of Dr. Frog.

Good pasta. Good pasta. That was okay. So Samui kangaroo to get Australians in. Is there a restaurant there called Samui Risti? No. Also to get Australians. Is there a restaurant there called Samui Risti? No. Also to get a Stramans. It's a restaurant.

Jesus. Restaurant. Very nice. Very nice. So no, I went in there. It's one of my favorites and they knew me very well. So I do get a little bit recognized in there. Did you get some kickbacks now because you brought 80 people last time?

They're like, hey, the dessert's on us or something like that? Yeah, yeah. It's gone down from 50 cents to 20 cents. I'm really looking for some sweet deals every time. Yeah, no, no. I'm happy to... I'm not like that. I don't barter or anything. It's like someone tries to sell me something for three bucks

and they try and barter. I go, have four. Have more money. I don't want to... I feel weird bartering in a third world country. In tuk-tuks in Sri Lanka, I will... But now they've got meters, but about five, six years ago when you had to negotiate, they'd think I'm from overseas or whatever and I'm like, no, no, no, and I get the proper rate and then at the end of it I'll pay them double what I actually agreed on just because I like enjoying

knowing that I'm not getting ripped off. Like, you're right, I can afford to pay you double. I'm a good bloke is the point. Sorry, I thought there was going to be a happy ending at the end of that, but I was wrong. I do love it though. I do enjoy haggling though. Yeah?

Yeah. I hate it. I really enjoy the process. I enjoy the game. I'm not cut out for it. But, you know, I'm not in it to save a dollar. It's the love of the craft. Yeah, yeah, the love of the craft.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have done it in a way unintentional haggling because someone I'll say I want that and they go

it's this much and I go oh that's too much and just walk away I don't want it it's not a haggling thing and then the guy's all of a sudden

chasing me down the street going no no this much and I'm like I actually don't want it and then he brings it down down down and then I all of a sudden go fuck I do want it now

that was happening to me in Thailand with you know, what do they call it, Mr. Strong and Mr. – like Little Miss Sunshine, whatever it was. The Mr. Men book. The Mr. Men book. They had one called Mr. T-shirt, which was Mr. Jihad, and he was trying to sell it to me, and I think I tried it on

and I took a photo with it and I was about to post it online. I went, I better not. I think I'm going to be in big trouble in the airport. There's a couple of reasons why you shouldn't have done that. Might not get let back on the flight on the way home. How do you reckon the sense of humour would be at the airport? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mr. G had.

Mr. G had. I also like the idea of limo haggling and saying, what, 50 cents? No, no, it's got to be 20 cents. And then you're walking away in your baby's pram that you said cost more than your car. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, nah, bugger that. 30 cents, rip off.

Just quickly, remember there was like a two-year period where people kept getting stopped at airports and not being let on planes because they'd said dumb shit on Twitter about their holiday where they were like, yeah, can't wait to, there were some kids once who went, yeah, we're going to go to America and we're going to absolutely blow it up. And they were just like some British kids and they didn't get let on their flight

because it got red flagged. It hasn't been any of them for a while, has it? Well, now, is that a challenge? Until now. Before Thailand. Well, I came back just in time for the Marabara Live podcast the other week. I was actually coming back originally like on the day of it, but then my wife changed the flight on me

just going, what are you fucking thinking? And you've tried to do that before. You were going to do that for our 300th. You were going to get back in on the morning of, which I thought was an interesting call because were the roles reversed, there is absolutely no way I'd get away with pulling a move like that. I'm just going to pop down to 7-Eleven before the gig starts. You fucking what?

I've got to get a deal from starts. You fucking what? Yeah. Well, it just proves my wife. I've got to get Dil from there. Get him off his shift. My wife plans this show out more better than I do. So, yeah, ripped over there for a week and did a little bit of intel. For people that haven't heard. Was she with you? She came for like a day, a day and a half.

She came for a day? Yeah, yeah. From here? Yeah. She flew in for came for like a day, a day and a half. She came for a day? Yeah, yeah. From here? Yeah. She flew in for one day? It was like a day and a half, yeah. A day and a half? Yeah.

A day and a half. He's haggling the dates with you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A day and a quarter. A day and a quarter? So I want her here. Have her for a week. We got in Friday night and she left Sunday lunch.

Was that your haggle? I'm going to go for a week. You're not going to come at all. No. What if I come for five days? No. Half a day. in we got in friday night and she left sunday lunch yeah was that was that your haggle i'm gonna go for a week you're not gonna come at all no if i come for five days no no no i i haggled her to come she wasn't gonna come and she was like i've got to work i said come for the weekend i'll pay for i'll pay for everything if you want to come for the weekend and so she came i know it's a bit short but she did actually enjoy it i'm like fuck i should be going there for the weekend this is awesome but so i hung around afterwards i did a little bit of intel because we've been talking on the show. Actually, you know what?

The last time you were on, we were inventing sort of. And it just started, yeah. The whole idea of branding it, the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival, came out of an episode that you were on. That's right, with Doolz. Scott Dooley. So we're going back this year. What happened to that guy?

Yeah. We're going back this year. 2018, we're going back this year. What happened to that guy? We're going back this year. 2018, we're going back in June. And we've had the idea of getting a bar over there, of trying to buy a bar over there. Someone on Facebook – wait, let's justify it. This is spreading its wings. Someone on Facebook sent us a link to an ad on Gumtree

of someone selling a business over there, and that was the spark, a Gumtree ad where we a business over there and that was the spark. Yeah. A Gumtree ad where we were like, it seems like this is really easy. For five seconds we were like, that is a funny joke to buy one and then the sixth second kicked in and we went, let's actually do this. So I've been doing a lot.

I reckon owning a business in Koh Samui would be administrative really easy. Yeah, yeah, you'd think so, wouldn't you? Yeah, I don't reckon there'd be any issues. You'd think so. Just I reckon all the paperwork would be really easy. Yeah, you'd think so, wouldn't you? I don't reckon there'd be any issues. You'd think so. Just I reckon all the paperwork would be really straightforward. However, it seemed to be a bit more difficult than what you think, Lemo, actually. So you're learning something.

So I've been doing a lot of work on this. I went over there and it's still happening. It was a business trip. Yeah, in a way. Yeah, right. It's like people who run clothing shops go to Paris for Fashion Week and look at all the high boutiques. Liam and I bought the ex-accountants.

That's a tax deductible. Please. Absolutely. Totally. So anyway, doing a bit of research. So look, I haven't got any concrete news. There are things penciled in. So things are happening for people at home that are coming along to Koh Samui that are excited about things are being penciled in. So things are happening for people at home that are coming along to Koh Samui

that are excited by it. Things are being penciled in. There are things – I had many business meetings in which many – Right. You're speaking now like the tax office is actually listening to this podcast. I kept all the receipts of all the shots I did. So things are happening. I kept the ping pong balls.

They're in a shoebox. That's where they put the receipts, on the ping pong balls. Jesus. Well, it's better than putting them where the ping pong balls were. Yeah. Do you want the receipt? No, I'm good. Oh, fucking hell.

How am I going to get rid of this? Print one for customer, one for the business. Yeah. Fuck. But so you've travelled a lot, Limo. Yeah. print one for customer one for the business yeah fuck but so you've travelled a lot Limo yeah do you think you get

more comfortable travelling now than what you used to do like you know you remember when you first travelled and you really you know

do I get shots to go to America or do I you know like I wore a fanny pack for the first I reckon two or three trips

hey man no jokes so when I come on when I you know one of the undercover fanny packs one of the what are they called money belts money belts joke. So when I come on... You know, one of the undercover fanny packs. What are they called? Money belts.

Oh, man. When I moved to Australia in 2004, 19-year-old, the first three days of uni, I was walking around uni with the fanny pack in the front with my passport and stuff because mum said that's a safe place to keep everything. You're still wearing one now underneath there. Shit!

Damn it, that was... You seem to have a lot in there. A lot of fastpots. I'm a triple citizen. A fatty pack. But yeah, I didn't realise it was not cool. So I'm walking around uni and also I was trying to be like... Could you not see it?

But I just didn't know it was like a... It was underneath his belly, so no. I was not that big back then, right? Anyway, but I just didn't know it was like a… It was underneath his belly, so no. I was not that big back then, right? Anyway, but I just said… And it makes you look so much more of a target to a potential robber, like a mugger. He's going, well, that guy looks like he doesn't know how this country works.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's probably got valuables, which I did. My mum said that's a good place to keep it. Mum's like a thousand miles away. What was I listening to? Yeah, yeah, exactly. You would have attracted people wanting to buy it. Mum's like a thousand miles away. What was I listening to? Yeah, yeah, exactly. You would have attracted people wanting to buy drugs. Yeah.

The only people who wear those fanny packs are American tourists and drug dealers. Yeah. And you don't look like an American tourist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would love to make official dum-dum fanny packs for the Koh Samui Podcast Festival. Hey, that's an idea.

Yeah, you did singlets last time. Yeah. No, but no one wants to wear a fanny pack. There's got to be a better thing than that. I think if we made them for the 2018 edition, people would wear them. We already look fucked in our matching T-shirts. We're there for a podcast festival. What are you going to put in the t-shirt?

I think you would have to be so big. You'd have to be Taylor Swift to get away with selling Fanny Pax's merch. What about Dum Dum Club sarongs? That's not bad. That's better. That'd be easy to make too. Wrap it around and yeah, whatever. You can even wear it as a scarf. My point being that I think I used to be a lot more

secure than I am now because the more you travel the more relaxed you get with everything. It's your second home now. Absolutely. I'm a bad traveller now because I'm so – like I'll pack the night before I leave and I'll genuinely be drunk. So I went to South Africa with Kel and I had – With your wife? Wife, yeah.

Not the character from Kel. Not the other one. And I packed something like 15 pairs of boxer shorts, 10 pairs of shorts, one T-shirt. Crazy. And one shirt. Because, yeah, you know, you go to South Africa, you walk around and you jock five days off the 15.

So I wore one shirt for two weeks. There's nothing like it. There's nothing like getting to the other end and opening the suitcase and going, what the fuck happened here? Yeah, yeah. Who the fuck did this? Who was it? Getting to Thailand and going, oh, I didn't bring any shorts.

Yeah, yeah. And I did that in – we went to Italy as well and I packed no shorts. Yeah, right. So we had to go shopping day one. Yeah, I think I did the same. Yeah, yeah. I'm exactly like you. I do – on the morning I'm going, getting way too lax with what I'm bringing.

I even – I forgot my passport going to the airport one time with Tommy, that sort of thing. Wow. So this time I – You forgot your wife. No. When she went home, I was by myself and I'm doing that thing where I'm going out every night and I'm going, right, I'm going to go to these bars, I'm going to do some intel, I'm going to go and

talk to people. I was going into bars and just really, I got that piss that I was thinking I was this real slight undercover private detective and I'm like undercover boss where I'm going in and talking to the manager and asking about figures and the busy parts of the year and going, yeah, and how are you going? And would you sell? Hypothetically, if someone came in and said, would you sell this business? And they're going, what the fuck are you asking me that for?

No, of course I wouldn't. I'd be like, all right, bill please. I'm moving on to the next one. So I'm doing that and I did that for a bunch of nights. And so I'm just getting, by the end, the negotiations aren't going very well because I'm just sideways. I'm just fuck-eyed talking to people going, would you sell this pub to me? You suddenly became a junkie.

Am I accurate in saying that in Koh Samui, right, so when the EU started, right, and they closed all the – they opened the borders between England and Spain, right, English gangsters used to retire to Spain and start open bars. But once the EU opened up, it was harder for them to hide there, so now they all go to Koh Samui. And retired British gangsters own heaps of bars in Koh Samui. I don't know about that.

That might be true. Lots of old, dodgy-looking pommy blokes getting around. I haven't seen too many geezers there. No. So I don't know. There's a lot more, I feel like there's a lot more Russian people go there than me.

Lock, stock and two smoking ping pong balls. Yeah. And just snatch. Yeah. I didn't see too many there. Ben Lomas has been on, previously on the show

has told us that, you know, it's all run by mafia and whatever. You know what? I talked to a lot of bar owners and they just laughed at that. Ben Lomas has been on – previously on the show has told us that, you know, it's all run by mafia and whatever. You know what? I talk to a lot of bar owners and they just laugh at that. But of course they're going to say that because they're scared of the mafia, you being part of the mafia thinking, is he their roastmaster general? What about this story then?

So, you know, when you stand on that sort of main strip in Koh Samui where the bars are. Do you know that? Yeah, yeah. Have you been there? Yeah. You know when you look into the – It's Bourke Street, Do you know that? Yeah, yeah. Have you been there? Yeah. You know when you look into the mountain? Burke Street, you mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know when you look up into the mountains, right? And there's a huge building, like seven storeys, pokes up out of the trees. Oh, yeah, like an abandoned one, you mean? No, it's like in a hotel or something. In the distance. The airport?

Seven or eight storeys high. This is like VR. Yeah. I'm not sure exactly where you're thinking at the moment. But I know you can see it from that main strip. I'm pretty sure you can see it from that main strip. Anyway, when I was there, a mate of mine who lived there was telling me that the restriction is two storeys on buildings.

Yep. And the mafia wanted to build that. So they changed the planning laws for one day so they could get the approval for an eight-storey building and then they changed the planning laws back. Right. Because they are very good workers over there, so they could whack up seven storeys in one day, to be fair,

because there's no restrictions and there's no unions and stuff. They didn't have to build it in a day. They just had to get it approved in a day. No, I know, but I reckon they would have whacked it up, because we went there last year. I do like that idea that he's thought, okay, we've got one day to build it in a day. They just had to get it approved in a day. No, I know, but I reckon they would have whacked it up. I reckon because we went there last year. I do like that idea that he's thought, okay, we've got one day to fix it. Backyard blitz. We were there for five days.

Got Scotty Cam yelling at you. Or a very good imitation of Scotty Cam. He fires it when it's finished. Yeah, yeah. No, but we were there for the festival last year and they were starting building Hooters there at the start and by the end it was all up and going. Hooters opened the day that we left.

Yeah. To be fair, I mean, I would brush a hooters as well. The blokes building hooters are highly motivated to get it finished. It's just a celebratory dinner. Who would have guessed that a hooters would have made someone erect very quickly? Very good. So I was doing that. I was doing my business trip at night and then getting up in the morning

and being a bit hungover and whatever. So the last day, the second last day, I got up and I'm staying. I stayed at the Ozo Chiueng for one night and then I stayed at a couple of other places just to sort of you know check out around the island and I decided I went I found the other end of the island the day before and I really enjoyed it and so I came back

had a few drinks at bars got up the next morning went you know what I'm going to move hotels to the other side of the island and check out that place and so I get up I pack everything and go alright where would I put my passport could not put my passport? Could not find my passport. And, you know, I'm in a small room and I basically haven't been unpacking because, like, what do you, you know, why do you need to unpack?

But if it means that you can't leave, I don't reckon you're looking that hard for it. Well, look, that was definitely a factor in it. Sorry, honey, I am stuck. Yeah. Oh, I've got to find this thing so I can race back and go to Maryborough. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, totally.

So I'm looking around. I check the bag and I'm like, oh, there's nothing in the room. I haven't spread anything out. I'm like, fuck, what am I going to do? So I did 10 laps of the room. I'm like, what am I going to do? 10 laps? He counted the laps.

So I go downstairs to the foyer. I'm like, oh, I don't suppose you've picked up any lost passports or anything like that. They're like, no, no, we haven't got anything like that. And I'm like, fuck, how many bars did I go to last night? Because, you know, I travel with it. So I'm like thinking, fuck, now I'm going to – If you had a fanny pack, this wouldn't have happened.

Exactly. Exactly. Why are you carrying your passport around, by the way? Just because I figure – In case you get an offer and you can buy it straight away. No, no, no. Just because I figure it's safer to keep it on you than to – Yeah, if he leaves it in his room, it might get lost.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So I'm traveling around with it. I'm thinking, right, it's the morning. I've got to check out of the hotel. I'm thinking now I've got to ring these bars or contact these. Of course, none of them are open because they're all shanties and stuff. They're not going to be open until 5 or 6 o'clock or whatever it is.

So it's like 10. It's just nothing to do with them being shanties. It's their apartment. They're open at night. I love the idea that someone's nicked off with your passport, comes to Hawthorne, knocks on the door and your wife answers the door. Hello, I'm Carl. Well, I might have rubbed off on you a little bit more, I guess.

It could be you. I had an operation while I was over there and now I'm Thai. I've always felt like I was in a Thai body. I've been identifying as Thai for quite a while. Had two ribs removed and look, voila. That feels like a lifetime ago so i'm starting to panic i'm like going fuck what am i going to do um so i start i i've been looking for half an hour and i've got to check out and i've got to check into a new hotel i'm like all right and it's the other end of the island

i'm like fuck what am i going to do because i have to go all the way to that island and then if i want to look for the passport i'm gonna have to go all the way to that island and then if I want to look for the passport I'm going to have to come all the way back here and I think fuck hang on once I take off for that other hotel of course

you go into the hotels over there you've got to show your passport I can't even check in to any hotels without a passport over there

so I luckily they all know your face and they're like oh it's Mr Chandler he's back your usual room I don't have a passport

the statue over there of me I don't have any ID but The statue over there of me. I don't have any ID but I'll just take the Chandler suite. Is that okay? So I cannot find it and I'm like, fuck. So I start emailing. I'm like, all right, what's the next move?

So I email the Australian consulate in Thailand. Great. I'm fucked at consulate.com.au. Yes. I'm like, so what? Look, hypothetically, I may have lost my passport. I'm sure this happens all the time. Hypothetically.

I'm just bored in Thailand. I just was wondering what would happen. Just doing a little parlor game over here. Yeah. They would get this every day. Totally. From piss tickets. Totally. Somewhere I would love to work for a week to just see the girls come in.

You want to lie three days. Imagine the eye rolls from the people who raise another one. I mean, the base level would be so fucking stupid that the greatest hits from in there must be spectacular. The yarns at the Christmas party would be spectacular. Right. Yeah, it would be like the people that work at hospital stories. Oh, where'd they find their passport?

Oh, up their ass. Yeah. In a tomato sauce bottle. Yeah, yeah, be like the people that work at hospital stories. Oh, where they find their passport, I'll up their ass. Yeah, in a tomato sauce bottle. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I emailed them and like hypothetically, what if this happened? And they go, oh, yeah, no problem. What if you need a temporary passport? Because I'm thinking, I don't know how it works.

I'm thinking you just, you lose it, you go to the airport and there's a few signs you might, you know, things you might have to sign and then, you know, you're taken care of. Like autographs because you're a big celeb over there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. But they go, oh, look, you know, it's no big problem. It should be sorted out in, you know, three to five days. I'm like, fucking hell, three to five days. And they're like, yeah, and you can start the process

once you get here to Bangkok. Oh. Oh, I'm not in Bangkok. And then I'm thinking, fuck, so now I've got to get a flight to Bangkok. Hang on, I can't. I don't have a passport. So I'd have to get a flight to Bangkok. Hang on, I can't. I don't have a passport. So I'd have to get on the boat? Oh, my God.

I'd have to get on the boat to go to fucking Bangkok. You're swimming to Bangkok. Yeah, and then start the process of three to five days. So this, what day of the week does this happen? This is Wednesday. This is Wednesday. And you're in Maribor on Saturday. We have the Maribor podcast on Saturday.

Now, how much further would this have had to go for you to flag it to me and go, I might not make it back? Because so far, at this point, I would have liked to have been clued into this when this alarm bell comes up. Hey, don't worry. No one was getting clued into this. My wife hasn't been clued into this. My wife's not doing a fucking live podcast with you.

No, but the more it went on, then I start, you know, you get a bit shocked. You get into shock and start to go, fuck, this is actually what my life is. I'm going to have to get on a boat to Bangkok to start signing the forms. I can't get over the idea of doing a Maryborough returning home Chandler podcast without Chandler. But that's what starts to go into my head.

I start going, this is actually amazing. If I don't tell them and they go and I just say to you guys, I'm running a bit late, the flight was delayed, you go out without me, I'll drive myself up. And then I start having a fantasy where you guys all go to Meribor, to my hometown podcast, and then you get there and I go, slight fly on the ointment, boys. Have you got Skype?

Have you got Skype up there? Or even better, ironically enough, you're trapped in Thailand, so we have to get a fake version of you to come and do the Maryborough podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Thai guy who stole your passport. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He comes in. Goes up as Kyle Chandler.

Are you bigger in Maryborough or Koh Samui? Oh, I reckon Koh Samui. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who is the Della Vadova equivalent in Thailand? You know what? Do they have their own avalanches? In the last year, I've been recognised several times in Koh Samui and never in Maribor.

So I'm going to say I'm bigger in Thailand. Which city have you more important documents in? Well, I've never lost my passport in Maribor and got stuck there. Put it that way. You never dropped your passport into Barry's Hole? No, no. And had to swim to Castlemaine to get a new passport. No.

So I start having that fantasy. Then I start having the fantasy. Oh, fuck. I've got another week in Thailand. This is going to be awesome. You are such a strange boy. Yeah. This is not too bad.

Just in case, for when this happens, for when it happens again that you do, because you fly so close to the sun and you're like the fucking Dukes of Hazzard. He's Icarus. He's Dick Hederas. If you had not made it back because you'd lost your passport, I would have been shitty. If you fucking hadn't told us about it until the show was in process, I don't know I would have talked to you again.

It would be really awkward at in process. I don't know I would have talked to you again. That would have been so funny. It would be really awkward at live shows. I understand. I understand that fully. It doesn't sound like you do. No, I understand it because I know exactly that you would like to be told about that. You don't like surprises very much.

You are such a glutton for content, Carl, that you knew this reaction was coming from Tommy. I'm fine with surprises, by the way the show has started and the guy you're meant to be hosting it with isn't here. I don't know that that comes under the surprise banner anymore like that's just a whole other realm What is it if it's not a surprise?

It's a mental assault Is Tommy's reaction making you wish it did happen? Yeah Hey spoilers, we don't know if it did happen yet. This might be the Thai guy the whole time. Our Chandler's still there. I've got a call from someone called The Real Carl right now on my phone.

If we want to talk to him, if we want to answer that. Will The Real Carl Chandler please stand up? He's having a great old time. So all the permutations run through my head because I've got to figure out what am I going to do. So I'm starting to think about – Everything's running through your head except the mental well-being of people that you're close to. Everything else is firing on all cylinders.

Don't worry. I am dreading telling my wife about any of this because she has many equal reactions to what I do to you, Tommy, to be honest. So your comedy wife and your real wife are very similar. Exactly. But she's not having to stand up in front of an audience and tread water. Well, did you not see her wedding speech? Have you ever called her Tommy during sex?

No. Right, okay. G'day, dickhead. But he's called me her name during a happy ending so at the end of it see ya mate

and now for the Patreon read how many should we do this with? the random cum generator yeah doggy style comedy so so I get out of there and I'm like right so you've got to The random cum generator. Yeah, doggy style comedy. So I get out of there and I'm like, right, so I get the call from the hotel. You've got to be out of the room. It's 11 o'clock, whatever the time of getting out of there.

Isn't that brutal when you're fucked around so much that they actually have to call you and come this close to kicking you out? Yeah, and I'm struggling to sort of go, well, I'm still looking for my passport in there. And they're like, well, did you check the safe? I'm like, I never use the safe. I'm not an amateur. You put it in there, it could get stolen. Anyway, where the fuck is it?

So I get down there. I have to leave. The place is on the other side of the island. I'm like, fuck. So I'm really sitting there going, okay, so I'm looking up boat times for when I can go to Bangkok and what I can possibly do. There's one to Bangkok, one to Manus.

You're not sure which one to get on. Is there anyone straight to Maribor? I'm not sure. Oh, my God. You getting locked up in a refugee camp on your way back in would have been spectacular. Skyping from Manus Island. Nairutal.

Live podcast from live podcast from Costa Mui, Maribor. It's the next logical step. Montreal. Christmas Island. So I'm like, alright, so what do I do next? You know the good thing is you have one guest booked. Ballard's already there. So I'm like, what do I

do next? I'm sitting in the foyer with my bag going, what do I do first? What do I do first out of sitting in the foyer with my bag going what's what do I do first what do I do first out of all this so I go you know what I've hired the bike

I've hired the bike I can't I've got to go and rehire the bike because otherwise I've got to ride to the hotel the other side of the island

so I go to rehire the bike I go to fuck I'm all over the joint I'm like can I just pay another day or two days

and she's like oh yeah, yeah, yeah, cool. Here's your passport back, by the way. Like, ah, fuck. Oh, wow. You fucking peanut. Seriously. I hate you. Fuck, I hate you.

I tell you what, if I was travelling with you and I went through that with you, I would possibly kill you. Hey, can we talk about, this is almost unbelievable, right? I just left my passport with a fucking bike chick. But look, that's another ad because – The bike chick. The bike chick. The daughter of anarchy.

The bike chick. It doesn't get any Aussier than that, does it? We often go and see the bike chick. That's how Thailand works. Where do you get a Going to see the bike chick That's how Thailand works Where do you get a bike From the bike chick Where do you get food From the food chick To be fair

I think that's more Mirabar language Than Thailand language All of me fucking documentation I'm a bike chick at it I'm Aussie as To be fair It's a good ad

For the Ozo Chuaeng Samui resort Which I hired the bike from So she You know She could have sold that passport When put next to you It's a good ad for the Ozo Chuang Samui Resort, which I hired the bike from. So she could have sold that passport. When put next to you, it's a good ad for everything. It's a good ad for everything that's not you. Except good husband and podcast partner. Sorry, what were you going to bring up?

I don't know. I reckon no one's going to believe us if you tell this story. We were hanging out with someone after one of your Thursday comedy gig and we were going for dinner with Milan and one of Milan's friends and she lost her phone. She said she left her phone at European Beer Cafe

where you were on a comedy night and you're like, don't worry, don't worry, we'll sort it out and she's freaking out. She's nearly crying and then Carl calls up European Beer Cafe and goes,

hey, did someone leave a phone? Oh yeah, and then Carl's on the phone and asking her, what type of phone is it? And she's like, it's an iPhone. Yeah, but what model? She's like, oh, I'm not sure. It could be a 7, could be a 6.

Hang on, let me check. I'll Google it. And she pulls out her phone from her bag to Google the phone. That's what I said. I'm like, can we even see it? Really? Yes. If you wrote it in a sitcom, you'd go bullshit.

And you told me this story and the way you tell it, it's like it's not, you know, normally when you're in that position, we've all done stuff like that. It's like sunglasses on your head. You're looking for your sunglasses. The minute your fingers make contact, you go, oh, it sounds like she's gotten it out and he's typing it in and still hasn't quite.

No, no, she hasn't. She's still Googling it when I go, so that's the phone, by the way. We don't need to Google it. We just need to look at it. Google.com. What is currently in my hand? Hey, you brought up Ben Lom has been on the podcast a couple of episodes ago. He sizzled something that I thought I'll bring bring up again which is he talked about a bet

that he and i are having between us i don't know if you remember kyle because you don't listen to this no i don't you don't even not even listening i don't know where my passport is right yeah that's the stupid thing is we talked about we talked about on that week's episode that you'd given it to the bike chick so if you just listened to the fucking podcast you would have known where it was right well just quickly sorry i just i'm sorry, I have some more questions on this. Oh, really? All right. So you give it over and just all of that information just leaves your brain.

You've got no room in the memory bank anymore. You can only hold on to so many of the great fucking green curries you've had again and again and again over there. So it didn't for a second factor in when you're looking around the room? No. Honestly, not for a second. Fuck. When she gave it back to you,

did you then have a memory of handing it over to her in the first place? No, but then I went, well. Or was it like a complete, did you have no recollection? No, no, no, not at all. But when she gave it back to me, I'm like, okay, that's a thing that could have happened. Maybe you've bought a bar and you don't even know it. Fuck.

Yeah, you hide the bike to get to your new bar. Yeah, in hindsight, yeah, generally you have to show your passport. You've got to show it. But I've obviously just left it there and gone, all right, see you. And then not thought of it. The keys up the ass the other week, the passport. You are fucking losing it. Man. You are unravelling. going, all right, see ya. The keys up the ass the other week, the passport. You are fucking losing it.

You are unravelling. He's repeating a lot of stories on the podcast as well. I think we're starting to track him down a lot. I've just got a lot on my plate. I'm just very busy. Also, you told this story last week. That's why we were all so funny. I guess we heard it before we had a week to cook up good games. Oh, man.

You know what? To be honest, there was about three of those stories that happened over there. I'm picking the best one to tell. Oh, my God. There's literally time. Race us through the bottom two. All right. Look, I'll race you through one of them because I forget the other one.

There's literally one story that ended in me going into a 7-Eleven, coming out and going, fuck, where are my keys to the bike? And I could not find the keys to the bike. I'm like, fuck. It's with the passport. How have I? Yeah, but the passport's happened by then. So I'm like, fuck, how is this happening again?

Were they with the key chick? So I went back into the 7-Eleven and look, a great ad for the family mart in Thailand. Great ad for the fine people at family mart. And I love the little thing about family mart over there. That's your third family in Thailand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love the family marts over there that are so overstocked with staff. Seven people behind the counter.

Is there a need for seven people in a family mart? Well, you've got to give the whole family a bit of work. Well, yeah. Well, none of the – put it this way. None of the seven knew where my keys were. Yeah, yeah. There should have been at least one of those persons specifically to find the keys, but there wasn't.

But they were very helpful. They did all they could. They went out – even the people I was scared by at the front, they looked like the local hoodlums. They were looking for the keys as well. They were like, oh, you don't want to lose your bike, mate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're all looking for – I'm very Aussie involved at the front, oh, you don't want to lose your bike, mate. So they're all looking for it. Very Aussie involved there at the front, mate.

That's a lot better than me doing my Thai accent. It's very you though when you do something like that. Everyone in your orbit gets pulled into whatever your current issue is. So that took half an hour. I'm like, this cannot be happening. What are the consequences here? I'm going to have to get a boat

to Bangkok again for some reason? Oh, no, I've lost the keys to the boat. So, long story short, what happens is I walk around in the family mart for about 15 minutes checking every aisle in there, checking every inch of floor, walk around outside, checking there was one time where I was like, could that stray dog have eaten keys? Did you stripe with your ass? Which is where you... I your ass? I did check. I did check.

I did check. Can we guess before you do the reveal? Yeah, yeah. Look, you each get a guess. Right. The keys are in the bike. No. That's your one down.

Fanny pack? Yes, on and off. No fanny. I didn't have a fanny pack on, so no. No. That's your guess. Tommy Dasolo? Ooh.

It's like a radio where's Wally, isn't it? Yeah. Call in. I'm going to go. This is a good call-in subject. Where's Kyle kept his keys? Where are Kyle's keys? Yeah.

I'm going to launch a three-pointer here. The bike doesn't have keys at all. It's just an automatic system switch. Fuck, that would have been so good. That would have been great. The keys are strapped to the passport. No. No.

In a hat, you put it on your – really? I wore, for some reason, my helmet into the family mart and I put my keys in the helmet. So I found them when I took my – the helmet was sitting on top of my head. Hang on. Where were the keys? In the helmet that sitting on top of my head. Hang on. Where were the keys? In the helmet that I was wearing on my head. Why?

So how do you get them in? Because I think I took the helmet off, put it on the counter, dropped the keys in there and then whacked it. But when the clunk hits your head. I don't know. Oh, my God. I think I took the helmet off, put the keys in there, then went to lean them on the handlebar.

Then went, oh, no, I wouldn't do it. Someone might steal that. Then put the helmet back on then went to lean them on the handlebar then went oh no I wouldn't do someone might steal that then put the helmet back on my head walked around in the family mart like a fucking moron with the helmet on then couldn't find the keys

yeah you would have looked silly yeah would have looked even better walking home with the helmet on alright I know I have a story but please

what was the third thing that happened so then you've got the keys you've got the keys being pushed digging into your fucking brain. Yes. So that's going to help.

Destroy further brain cells. My God. Where's the key to your brain? That's what we need to unlock. Did we say this on the show yet? That after the Maryborough episode, we went and met up with you. Oh, no, you're right. We went and met up with you the next day.

And you were driving us back to Melbourne. We went and met you at Kurt's Fucked Pies. Yeah. We went and met you there. We walked 15 Pies. We went and met you there. We walked 15 minutes to the Gottem automobile. Yeah, we walked to where your car was and then you get there and you go, oh. And he's doing the whole song and dance, the pat in the pockets,

looking in the bottom of the bag. Checking his arsehole. No, they're back in bed. They're in my helmet. Back in bed. Yeah, left in bed. So I had to walk a little bit more, which I wasn't happy about. That's weird.

If it makes you feel any better, I had two mates, they were in Phuket years ago and one of them, it was his 40th birthday. Good old mates that weird things happen to in Thailand. It's not me. It's not me. In defence of Carl, he says it's really not me. At least he's man enough to own it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they went out and they got really drunk and they went back, they were sharing a room and they went back to the room and one of the guys who turned 40 passed out in his bed drunk. So my other mate goes out on his bike and he stops and this girl says, oh, do you want a good time, blah, blah, blah. He goes, nah, but it's my mate's birthday. Can you sort him out? And she goes, yeah, sure, blah. He goes, nah, but it's my mate's birthday. Can you sort him out? And she goes, yeah, sure, right?

So he pays the girl, takes her back, opens the door, says there he is and he's passed out and then he says, I'll come back in however long, right? So he leaves, comes back. The girl's not there and she's stolen his passport and his credit card. It's like one mate has just delivered the thief into the room. So there you go.

The guy's passed out and she's just going, all right, well, I'm just going to steal everything and leave. Yeah, yeah. And then it has that. It's like, in my defence, I was trying to pay someone to fuck you while you were asleep. I'm the good guy here. Yeah, yeah.

Let's go to the police with this story. Oh, hang on. We broke the law in the first place. And it's also you can't have a police line. I'd be like, oh, I can't tell the difference between you. Or when they call the embassy. How did you lose your passport? Well, I'll hand it over to my mate.

Tell you the story. Yeah. Well, we've got, I'll hand it over to my mate. I'll tell you the story. Well, we've got to get you to come over to Bangkok. Actually, it's probably going to be worse for you over here, so you'll probably get up to even more trips. Dil? Oh, yeah, yeah. So I was saying about this bet. Speaking of walking around in a 7-Eleven for hours on end.

Ben Lomas and I, we talked about it a little bit for a while, but we finally made it official. He and I have a bet now to see who can get to under 100 kilos first. The winner gets $1,000. Oh, wow. $1,000 bet. Does Ben Lomas' wife know that he's made that bet? Yes.

She had to run it past her. Does your hand know that you've made this bet? Does your esophagus agree to this but but here's here's the thing i was said to him look i'm happy to do it as long as we have some sort of clause where you have to keep it off for a minimum of like six months or some some kind of rule yeah because i feel we don't want either of you getting bulimia or anything like that. No, no, no. It's the opposite because the last time I did a dum-dum challenge where I lost all that weight, as soon as I hit

the target, I just basically stacked it all back on. You got weight on stage and then you ate two pizzas before the gig was over. Yes, I did. I put it back on very quickly because it was a victory lap, right? Yeah.

But so I – A very unathletic lap of honour. Yeah, yeah. That's like a victory lap where it's like you've won the 100 metres and then you chop your legs off in celebration. That's like a lap of honour where you do the lap and then you go through a drive-through. So in terms of weight, so I'm like 120.4 and he's 119.6.

So we measured at the same time. This is where you are now. Oh, well, as of Thursday when we finally agreed to it. A couple of days ago. In fact, we actually recorded it on a podcast. We're like, let's just get this on air. We don't know what we're going to do with it, whether we release it as a podcast or whether we keep it ongoing,

but there's a recording of it. It was quite funny. It's amazing to be able to fat shame to each other. like how long is the podcast you want to insert it into this or give it to john ronson to release as the french fry but so the thing is this i think i have a slight advantage because i'm shorter which means that i have more fat to lose whereas he's obviously is in better nick than I am. But what I'm glad Limo is here is, can you tell the story with you and the Formula One race?

Yeah. So I got an offer to ride in the two-seater F1 car. Yep. With, what was the, like proper F1 driver too, who's now a commentator. Cooltart? Yeah, it's Cooltart. Cooltart, right? So I go driver too, who's now a commentator. Cool Tart? Yeah, it's Cool Tart. Cool Tart, right?

So I go, great, I'd love to do it. And they said, all right, cool. Well, it's the Grand Prix. It's 11 days away or whatever. I said, great. They said, oh, just one thing. You have to be 90 kilos. What do you weigh?

And I said, yeah, it's fine. I went and weighed myself. I was 100 kilos. Right. So I had to lose 10 kilos in 10 days. In 10 days? Yeah. Jesus.

So I got Shannon Ponton. Cut his leg off. The biggest lose. Cut half my dick off. Lemo. You should have hit me up. I know how to lose heaps of stuff. This gives me an idea for something to say in the Patreon read.

how to lose heaps of stuff. This gives me an idea for something to say in the Patreon read. So I got Shannon Pondon. So he just set this program for me, training and not much food and I lost, with one day to go,

I was down to 92. Wow. So you're two kilos to go in one day. Two kilos in the last day and Shannon Pondon said to me – Why are you not an instructor on The Biggest Loser if you can do this? Have you seen what's under this T-shirt right now?

But eight kilos in six days. No, I lost the two. So it was ten kilos in ten days. Yeah. So what did you do? This is now – Hang on. But you said with one day to go.

Oh, yeah, two kilos. So I didn't eat for the day, drank just a tiny bit of water. A tiny bit? You've got to ration your water. Fucking hell. Yeah, you can't drink too much water. And I sat in the sauna at the Fitzroy gym for ages. And anyway, I lost another three kilos.

So I got down to 80. So I lost 11 actually. I got down to 80. So I lost 11 actually. I got down to 89. Wow. Fuck. So you're in the F1 just having a milkshake. Did you then put it all back on because you would have like, what, fucked your metabolism?

Two things. One, I got there and they didn't weigh me. Oh. Shit. So you're saying I'm a chance. So I'm just going. I'm not even bothered. Oh, no.

Fuck. So anyway, I got in and that was great. That was great. Then I. I mean, it's all you. I mean, I'm new to this. Lemo didn't have his mic anywhere near him. I didn't have my mic in my mouth.

You're just chatting to me. It's only the radio people that don't know how to talk to a mic. I have someone hold it for me. So then I left the F1 track and I went to Mario's. The Mario Kart track. Mario's in Fitzroy the restaurant and I had

like two bowls of pasta Wow three beers and about ten bits of bread So how much And they don't even serve beer Yeah How much do you reckon

did you stack on what was the quickest I put five kilos on in a week In a week Right Because it would be dehydration wasn't it Yeah

Most of it So what did you do in the first eight days then? What was the program like? So I was eating like boiled chicken, steamed broccoli. That was honestly most of what I was eating. Sorry, I genuinely heard you say esteemed broccoli. I was like, oh, as opposed to the shit-canned broccoli.

There's a shop in Fitzroy where you can purchase broccoli. And I had oats for breakfast with water not milk fuck so it was crazy and that was about it

and I exercised heaps that's so bad when it's like you know not milk come on we're trying to lose some weight here

when you're not even allowing yourself milk fucking hell nah the pressure was on yeah yeah but that's the thing. So I don't want to do anything. Neither him or I want to do anything extreme like this.

Neither of you want to do anything full stop. Well, no. Now $1,000 is on the line. Like one of us, that's locked in. No matter what happens. We did joke about if we do this as a podcast, whether like 20 years from now, neither of us have still done it.

We're still having this ongoing bet. Like that'll be more depressing. That's why we're like let's put it out there at least. Well, the further it goes on, the more inflation kicks in and the less worth it becomes. On our waistline, the inflation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, that's the thing.

I was like I was saying maybe I can ask you guys whether you have any ideas as to what we do is how we can – what's the next part of the clause? Like okay, whoever gets to 99 or whatever it is gets 1,000. But what's the bet to try and keep it off? Oh, so then you're in a… We're like saying like maybe one of the ideas is every month you have to do a weigh-in and if you're not under 100 at that point,

you need to give back 100 bucks back or something like that. Oh, I think it's more like… So it's essentially one of those challenges where you have those stupid bets where someone's got to drink 12 raw eggs, but then you've got to keep it down for like two minutes or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so shouldn't you just like – so you hit 99. Yeah.

Then you've got to keep it under 99 for – Hypothetically. Then the month three months. I'd say I'd go 10 weeks, right? So if they're back over 100 and each week is worth $100, right? Right, yeah, yeah. So if they stay under for the whole 10 weeks, they keep the $1,000. Right.

But whenever they… Tip over, back over. So if the first week they're back over, they've got to give you back $900. Yeah, right. And if it's the second week, $800. The third week, $700. So, well, that's… Six, five, four, three, two, one until it's nothing.

$900 in the first week? If they go back over $100, yes. Oh, right. Gil's not keen anymore. Yeah, no, no. It becomes… So, if they stay under for 10 weeks… The accountant can't figure this one out.

Man, I got fired from KPMG for a reason. If they stay under for 10 weeks, they keep the $1,000. Right, right, right. If they stay under for nine, then they keep $900. $900,, right, right. If they stander for nine, then they keep 900. 900, yeah, gotcha. That's not bad. I like that. Okay.

All right, all right. Well, I'll keep you guys updated. Have you done – so this happened – you've started this a few days ago. This happened on Thursday, so this is Sunday today. And literally he and I have been texting each other with, like, updates of how we're tracking. We're trying to be weirdly supportive of each other because it's like this is such a tough thing to do because like 20 kilos isn't easy.

Not to throw you under the bus, you did invite me out for fried chicken last night. Oh, wow. I was going to throw to you. I was going to throw to you. I was going to throw to you going, hey, by the way, Tommy, what did I ask you to do? Hey, it's my cheat day, all right?

A cheat day two days in. Wow. Is this some sort of baller move where you just don't care about $1,000 where you do a bet and then you immediately stuff your face with a bucket of chicken? That's going to be better in the long run because if he loses the bet, it's less money for him to buy fried chicken. That's when the real one...

Dills actually had a simultaneous bet with someone else where they're racing to 140 kilos. And that's, yeah, and that's for two grand. So that's fine. That's how you do hedge funds, right? One of the other clauses is that if the other person is, say, one winner at 99, but the other one's within five kilos distance, then the bet drops down to 500

so it keeps your motivation to like so if i see low mass running away with it i'm like i'm still invested to try and catch up to him at some point oh this is very complicated for just really stop eating cheesecake for breakfast well here's the thing it's like it's it's it's because for he he reckons having a family makes it harder for him and it's easier for me but i'm like i have no one to be accountable to. I'm texting Dassolo going, do you want fried chicken at 4.30 in the afternoon? Oh, yeah, it's my fault. No, no, no, but I'm just saying.

To be fair, you're both ordering family-sized pizzas. He's at least got a family. And also, I realised his cancer scare is still a bit only 90%, so there's a chance he might just shed a whole bunch in the next couple of weeks. He's cheating. He's got an advantage. If he drops dead you weigh the corpse and then you put it as that. You lose 18 grams

don't 21 grams when you die. He's cheating. Have you thought about getting some McDonald's vouchers or something and just dropping them in his letterbox? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely. Because he's got a sweet tooth. I don't have much of a sweet tooth. Mine's fried chicken issues. But I feel like I can just easily just get a cupcake or something

and put it in front of him and he will go. By the way, he told me what his Sydney Comedy Festival show is called. Yeah. I Love Comedy. What a fucking idiot. But, yeah, so we're – Well, if it helps anything, he'll probably drop a couple of grand up there on that show, so that'll…

Yeah, yeah. Jeez. Well, he and I both quit drinking, so that's probably the first start, I think. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. So that's probably… So you haven't been drinking for 18 months? Yeah, yeah.

Last night at Chandler's Saturday Night Comedy… Basement Comedy on a Saturday night. Basement Comedy on a Saturday. He offered me a soft drink and I'm like, do you realise that's the first time you've offered me a soft drink since I quit drinking? It's taken him a year and a half to acknowledge that I might not have a beer again. He couldn't remember that he left his passport. That's pretty good.

All right. Well, we'd better wrap this episode up. So we'll keep checking in. You'll give us updates. Do you have a timeline for it or is this first to get? No, well, we better wrap this episode up. But you will – so we'll keep checking in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll give us updates. Do you have a timeline for it or is this first again? No, well, that's the thing. Let's do it healthy in a way rather than just rushing to a crazy end game and then just stacking it back on again.

That's why we want to try and do it a bit healthily. Right. What do you think? So I've just – I've hired a personal trainer, 20 sessions. I've locked that in. I don't know. He – look, he's very – he hates losing. Like he's a very competitive guy.

So already knowing that – so I'll send him like photos of me. I've started running around like doing a run walk. My family pizza after. I run around the box. Run before the takeaway chicken gets cold. I got up to text Daslo last night. Your phone was on the other side of the room. It counts as exercise.

But yeah, I'll send him text. Apparently if you stand up while you're eating the pizza, it burns more than you think. You don't get pregnant. If you do squats while having a Hawaiian. But yeah, yeah, I'll keep you updated. I'll see how we're tracking. Yeah, great.

But we're also trying to think of a name for if we do do it as a podcast. We've recorded one. We're thinking maybe dash to double digits. But you don't like alliterations? No. Two fat cunts. Yeah. One was just figuring out that we'll never get there is are we there yet?

Yeah. Or gluttony for punishment? Way to go. Oh, the pun king. Yeah. We should have come, the pun king. Yeah. We should have come to you straight away. 99. But, yeah.

What about just out of, call it the Bradman? Because, you know, Don Bradman's batting average was 99.94, just under 100. The Bradman. The Bradman. What about the biggest losers already taken? What about the fattest losers? The funniest losers? No, that doesn't work.

No, you get sued. Because it doesn't count. Not true. It doesn't count if you're just both laughing at your own punchlines like he and I do. Well, Dillard, do you want to sing a limo? Can we devote a tiny – I know we're on our way out, but we've got to do a tiny little bit.

Limo, you've just finished up Breakfast Radio. If you're in Melbourne, you're not hearing limo on gold. No, gold, yes, 104.3. So, you know, if you used to listen to gold, tune into Triple M or something. Yeah, yeah. No wonder he can't hold on to the microphone. He doesn't know how to use it.

Yeah, yeah. So how are you enjoying the sleep in? So I am enjoying the sleep in. Sleep in's are great. Great. And I'm still a little bit bitter about being sacked. Really? But I'll get over it eventually.

Yeah. But it was annoying because we were number one. So that's frustrating. Yeah, that was a really interesting thing. I've got to remember to stay mediocre. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I enjoy doing my best work.. I enjoy your Instagram feed. It was really interesting during that time when you kept posting about,

hey, we won number one and you forgot to put us on your group photo. To be fair, it's your own fault for leaving your 2018 contract in your helmet and just waiting for you to sign it. That's where I was. It seems like the people that have taken over from you are going pretty well. They seem pretty on the ball. Or do they seem like fucking idiots? Is it going well at the moment?

I don't even know who it is. I thought you got replaced by a robot that just automatically replaced you. Well, it's a music shift. So they had a meeting at ARN, the company that owns gold, and they went, okay, guys, this is the upper management. company that owns gold. And they went, okay, guys, this is the upper management. Next year we can either stick with Limo or we can go with nothing.

And they went, we might give nothing a crack. Oh, wow. Good guess for nothing, to be fair. Good guess. Nothing's hard to get. It was a brutal negotiation. He was giving them nothing. They secured nothing.

Yeah. Wow. Yeah, well, nothing has had not much on lately. Not much on lately. But I believe they're bringing in a Pommy bloke to do the show. Oh, really? I thought there was someone in there already. Well, Troy Ellis is playing the songs at the moment,

who was our anchor. Pommy bloke. There's a Pommy bloke. Fuck, I hope it's Paul Foote. Oh, you know who? I'm thinking of the ones on the other station. Kiss. Yeah, Kiss. Right. The other ones that have fucked things up really already.

Oh, the Kiwi chick and the other dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know who they are. Any relation to the keys chick or the bike chick? Yeah, Kiwi chick, keys chick, bike chick, passport chick. Yeah, it's an English bloke who's a stand-up comic who'll probably be hitting you up for gigs. But he's coming out from England.

Really? To show Christian Connell. So that's cheaper than getting you from Fitzroy? Well, they're bringing him and his family out. Well, Christian Connell's quite famous. He did a fair bit of stuff on Hamish and Andy's show, a little crossover and stuff like that. I think he had done a couple of guest spots with Hamish and Andy.

So, yeah, it's an English blo who could be doing the Goat Ring for sure. We don't need to plug that too much. What are we doing that for? Hey, you don't listen to this podcast, do you? Nemo. No one does. No, I mean, I'm a big fan. I'm wearing your fucking dish out of the minute.

There's three comics that do. I am not one of the three. So did you not hear about what Carl did at the Sydney Opera House show? Oh, you're right. Here we go. Now I get it. He created a list. Yes.

Based on something that happened with the wedding. Carl, do you want to take it from here or tell me do you want to see it? Look, I know you're not working on Breakfast Radio anymore, but you are still being talked about. It feels kind of mean at this point. You are still being talked about. I created a list of everyone that came to my wedding and didn't bring a present.

And congratulations for being high on the list. Just to cheer you up as we're talking about you getting fired. But this is what I – That's so true. He says it out of all thinking. He says it out of all thinking. Because you know what? I was driving there with Rosie.

Yeah, Rosenbux. Rosenbux. Rosenbux. Was he on your list? Not anymore. He just made good a week ago. Did he? Yes.

That motherfucker. Oh, no. We had it packed. I get what's happening here. Because we were driving there together and we're like, oh, fucking hell, we've got to sort that out. Should have gone to a family mart on the way. Should have gone to a family mart on the way. Should have gone to a family mart on the way.

Maybe this is what Liam was doing, he's haggling you. You know how much he loves to haggle. So I was, yeah. So Rose and I were like, okay, we've got to sort this out once the wedding's been. And then obviously, you know. You couldn't be fucked. No.

I did. You got sacked. You're walking around. You're wearing be fucked. No. I did. You got sacked. You're walking around. You're wearing a wooden barrel around yourself at the moment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're struggling. Yeah. You're living in that expensive pram. Oh, okay.

I am going to rectify this problem. No, no. I'm struggling. I'm going to Thailand every two weeks. So, please. No, I will. Give him a second passport. Actually, I'll buy some string to tie around your finger.

Yeah, great, great. No, you know why? This is great. Thank you for bringing that up because this is what I heard the other day. So I've got the list. Someone said to me, oh, Limo's on the list. And I said, yeah, yeah, he's on the list. And someone said, that's interesting because I'm pretty sure straight after your wedding he did a talk break on the radio for,

oh, yeah, what if you don't bring any presents to a wedding? Wow. Were you getting content out of not bringing me a present to the wedding? I mean, I could possibly have done that. I can't remember that, but I could have, yeah. That's hilarious. I'm getting content out of being an arsehole.

You got content out of it. I got content out of it. It's all good. We've all got content. Everyone wins. So Rosie gave you a gift a week ago. Yeah, not very long ago. I didn't bring it up with him, and I'm sure he doesn't listen to the podcast,

so I don't know whether anything got brought up by him or whether it was his good conscience or whatever it was, but he made good very recently. Because I have thought of it three or four times since and clearly not acted on it. Got to get that fucking present. Those talkback listeners should be telling you that when you're bringing it up on the show.

I blame the gold listeners. when you're bringing it up on the show. I blame the gold listeners. It's funny. It's Deep Purple's fault for being played in the middle of your talk break. But to be fair, I recently realised, Carl, that you owe me $40. Do you know why? No.

No, I know because you're very fastidious on you keep a PowerPoint. No, I keep an Excel sheet of money that I... Just a picture of all the people that don't... Quack! I don't keep track of who owes me money that much. I track people who I owe money to. I think you do, by the sound of this.

It hit me the other day when we were doing the art thing at the National... When we went to the National Gallery? Yeah, yeah, on the way back when we were walking. I'm like, oh, you owe me $40. And I didn't tell you why. And I'm sure you, well, why am I not surprised? Why am I surprised that you don't remember?

It was because, do you remember when Fleety borrowed money off me and he told me, hey, I'm doing Carl's gig tomorrow. I will give him the money. And so I started up a Facebook message between the three of us making sure that if you pay me now, I might be the only person to ever get paid

back from Fleeting. There you go. Right there. Two 20 notes in my hand. Thank you, Greg Fleet. Who's ever said that before? Thank you, Greg Fleet. I done. Who's ever said that before? Thank you, Greg Fleet. Look, I know we've got to go.

I know we've got to go. This is a mammoth episode. I will say this. Greg Fleet did a gig for me the other day, which if this is the first time you've ever listened to this podcast. You can see him winding up, like really starting to stretch. If this is the first time you've ever. Might have to put a second tape in.

If this is the first time you've ever listened to have to put a second tape in. If this is the first time you've ever listened to this podcast or don't know anything about Greg Fleet, I think this is a very accurate summation of what he is like. This experience of him doing the gig for me, right? Yeah. So I needed someone on the day. He came into my head because one of the listeners put in our private Facebook group.

I just saw Greg Fleet staring at the gutter. So I knew he was in town. Some of us are staring at the stars. He was staring at water going into a gutter. And so I knew he was in town. I was like, well, he's obviously in red hot form. I better get him on a gift. It's only a Saturday night.

People are only paying $20 to get here. Why not roll the dice? So I'm thinking he's going to open with a bit of what's up with storm drains. But anyway, so he hits me up and goes, and he's chasing me. No, to be fair, after that, he chased me for the gig. Oh, he's chasing, all right. Yeah. So he chased me for the gig after.

And I said, okay, no worries. You can do it. I can see you're in good form. I've seen the pictures. I've seen the paparazzi in action. And I said, you've got to be there at 8 o'clock on the dot. So he goes, okay. So then 8 o'clock comes, absolutely no Greg Fleet.

And that's when it hits me. Oh, that's right. I'm dealing with Greg Fleet. That's the Greg Fleet. Still looking at that gutter. Staring at the gutter out the front. Pinch watching the gutter. It's like looking at the sun.

You don't look directly in the gutter, all right, or it blinds you. So it's 8 o'clock and I go, where are you? And I've cleaned that language up. And then he goes, oh, I'm probably like 10, 15 minutes away, which in fleety language is absolutely not true. That means you're 40 minutes away. I'm like, it's 8 o'clock. I fucking told you to be here at 8 o'clock.

And then he goes, oh, well, when you said that, I mean, I don't expect to go on early. You know, I'm like, it's 8 o'clock. I fucking told you to be here at 8 o'clock. And then he goes, oh, well, when you said that, I mean, I don't expect to go on early. You know, I'm always on late. I'm like, fuck, there is no one here. I need to fucking hear right now. I mean, even if you know Fleety, the last hour we've heard the passport story, we've heard the keys story. Anyone hearing this

is going, this is your fault somehow. I'm not buying in. Fool me twice. No, no, no, but he twice. No, no, no. But he's out Chandler-ing me easily. He might be your dad. Yeah. So every time I make fleeting, maybe he's just fucking getting me on the drugs he's on. Maybe I'm a user and I don't even know it.

He's losing other types of keys. Yeah. So he eventually turns up, 8.40. 40 minutes later to the kickoff. Turns up, walks in the door and he comes running over to me and I'm like, of course he's rushing over to me to say sorry. He rushes over and goes, I need $10 for the taxi right now. Fucking hell.

That is Greg Fleet, right? These things happen. You got your 40 Can I borrow Can I borrow Yeah yeah 40 bucks Carl here's your Christmas

Yes Did you say Here's my Christmas present Wedding Wedding Okay But you still owe me For the wedding

But thank you For thinking of me In this festive season All I'm thinking is that Limo's on my Excel sheet now But thank you for thinking of me in this festive season. All I'm thinking is that Limo's on my Excel sheet now. Your PowerPoint. Well, next time Limo comes on your weight loss program podcast, you can bring this up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's on the list. Very good. Very good. All right, we actually have to wrap it up. Limo, you are doing all of the festivals around the list. Very good. Very good. All right. We actually have to wrap it up. Limo, you are doing all of the festivals around the country. I'm doing Brisbane, Adelaide and Melbourne. Great. With Happy Angry is the name of the show.

And you have a book out. I do. Oh, yeah. This shirt won't iron itself. It's a wonderful read. Which I went to the launch of. Yes, yes. It was good.

At the MCG. Very nice. At the MCG, yeah. It was good fun. Hammer and I were running around Sydney trying to find a copy. It was sold out. Sold out. Yeah, very exciting.

Everywhere. Sold out. Not that they weren't stocking it. It was sold out. It was sold out. I saw one in an airport the other day. That's what you want. Oh, nice.

You want to be in the airport bookshop. You really do. I imagine that's what you're shifting units these days. I haven't seen me at an airport yet. Oh. So I'm glad.'s where you're shifting units these days. I haven't seen me at an airport yet. Oh. So I'm glad. Oh, really? I should have.

No mirrors. I'm glad you've seen me at an airport. Dil Rook Jai Singer. Hey, I'm going to be in Perth in Feb, Feb 14th to the 19th. And then in March, I'm going to be in Brisbane, Canberra, then Melbourne Comedy Festival, and then Sydney in May. And also, officially, first announcement, for the first time ever, I'm doing a solo show in Adelaide.

Because as a listener of this podcast, I've gone, sounds like a wonderful place to do a show where I need people to buy tickets. So I'm not doing only one night. I'm doing two nights, March 10th and 11th, 4.30pm at the Rhino Room. I can't wait for all your wonderful listeners to buy tickets to that show. I can't wait to hear a great story of how you cancelled those tickets.

What's up, buddy? What's up? Hang in there, Karima! Hope you have a relaxing two nights at the vineyards after the doors are closed and you're looking for something else to do. Oh, please make them wrong. Like, it's a 4.30 show on a Saturday, Sunday.

Please, surely, come out Adelaide. Well, you've given them every chance. We've got all of our stuff on sale. LittleDumbDumbClub.com Our solo shows. Adelaide solo shows. Melbourne. Koh Samui.

LittleDumbDumbClub.com Check that out. Stick around for the Patreon read Which we did before this And it's a lot of fun Yep And it's also long as well Yeah

Guys thanks very much for listening And we'll see you next time See ya mates And we're back We're back We've done it again For another episode Of Talking Dumb Dumb

I love this show This is way better than the real I only listen to this show. I prefer this over the other show, yeah. I'm a lot more analytical. I put the anal in analytical. I put the lit in analytical. No, I shouldn't be talking out of school,

but it stuck with me for a long time. I should be talking when David Quirk is in the pod. But one of my favorite things he's ever told me is a friend of his, they were talking about, oh, what sort of sex do you like the most? And his friend said, deep anal. Like that's a style of, that's a genre of anal. Yeah.

I'm a bit too, I'm not as hardcore as that. I prefer shallow anal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, when you're a kid, when you're just learning what anal is all about, you don't want to dive in too deep. Yeah, you don't know how deep it is. You might crack your head. Yes. You don't want to dive in too deep. Yeah, you don't know how deep it is. You might crack your head. Yes.

You don't know what's lurking in the water. Do we do a little bit more before we introduce the guest on today's episode of Talking Dumb Dumb? Oh, we've got a guest this week. Bring him into this climate. Well, let's say this. It's not really a surprise. People have just listened to him for an hour. Oh, I can't wait to hear more, Limo.

Let's say this. It's not really a surprise. People have just listened to him for an hour. Oh, I can't wait to hear more, Limo. So the Coastal Movie Podcast Festival, if you're on the socials, you may have seen that, look, it is selling extremely well. The beautiful Ozo Chuang Samui in downtown Chuang Beach is, yeah, look, it's nearly full.

Bursting at the seams. Yeah, it is. You guys have done an excellent job of buying rooms and stuff like that. So there's only a handful of rooms left. So if you want to get on it, get on it. I kind of think that's nearly about the, I don't know what to do next, Tommy. Like we can't have one million people there, can we? Like we don't really have any security officers or anything like that no so what do you mean like once those rooms are gone then that's it no no other people can

come well i mean the numbers that we're looking at at the moment i'm like well how many people can we responsibly sort of house i don't know my point being if you want to get a ticket get it now yeah get get in now uh and then we'll have to figure out what we're doing there's no ironclad rule that we've got or huge plan of what we sort of when we're about anything let's be honest there's barely a plan in doing this week to week yeah until about an hour before it's due to be online we don't have a plan for last year's festival yet so i don't know what we're going to do this year so anyway it is i don't have a plan for what i'm going to do in my 20s yeah yeah so uh it the message is – the short message is it is chockers already. If you want to get a room, the smart thing would be to act right now

because all the discounted rooms are gone now. Like people have bought so many discounted rooms that there's only sort of the upper echelon of rooms in the Yozo Chuing Samui Resort right now. So all you playboys that are looking to throw some serious cash around, this is you. This is you guys. That's it. Dive into that big money pit of yours.

Fill your pocket up with those coins. And of course. Hope the Beagle Boys don't rob you on the way to the bank. Of course, as always, if you've got any questions about Thailand in general, hit me up because apparently I'm the guy that knows everything. Yeah, you know the number. Hit him up. No, don't do that.

Well, we also have to plug our Patreon. We are on there. If you enjoy this show, if you enjoy getting it for free every week, you can support the show via that and it is greatly, greatly appreciated. We send out bonus episodes. We send out a little bonus magazine where we write articles and do drawings and as part of that we also read out the names of the people who contribute every week. And today we have a guest joining us to do this.

Do you want to introduce? Oh, fuck. You tend to enjoy this. You tend to revel in this. I do. I'm looking around for something which suggests you've got a dossier of... Yeah, yeah, I do. You do.

When I think of one of these, I write it down, but I don't have my stuff with me. But I'll just say this one off the top of my head. I'll introduce this guest, and we always make a bit of fun of him, but it doesn't seem to bother him because he has an extremely thick skin. It's still Rukjaya Singer. Ah, that's one of the softer ones. Yeah, it's all right.

It's kind of disappointing to know that it was not off the tone. I always assume you just have a look around you to see me, get some inspiration. I do, I do. But I've started when I think of one, I'm like, I better put this away. Well, I started chuckling because when you said bursting at the seams, I'm like, well, there's your intro. I was.

I was thinking, can we wrap this up quickly enough to get you in off the back of that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, good to be back here after a good chat with Limo as well. That was probably my favorite chat with Limo that I had on this podcast. You wrote some interesting points. Yeah. Yeah.

And we should talk about them further. No. No? I think people have heard enough of those points. Let's bring up new points. So what machine are you using this week, for example? I'm excited to know whether you've stuck with the new of course i have i've only just bought the new software that is for those who don't know the unplanned title alternator for those who don't

know what i'm talking about there might be some new listeners off the back of this you know this could be someone's first episode we every like we uh there might be some massive dillrug fans that um that have just found out that he does a podcast with us sometimes. Yeah, massive Dilruch fans like any of the CEOs of McDonald's. Yeah. I'm a KFC guy. We've never discussed this enough. You guys are McDonald's.

I've got KFC covered. I know. As I was saying McDonald's, I was like, this isn't canon. What am I doing? I'm a month off bread, by the way way you're off a lot of things yeah like brain cells i didn't invite you on here to insult me oh sorry sorry wrong podcast to be fair you didn't invite him at all i just showed up with him yeah i show up and tell what happens when i get to the he just starts laughing carl just opens the door and starts laughing when he sees me.

Because you were carrying a huge box of merch for us and you were actually dressed as the delivery boy. Like it looked like you were on purpose dressed up to deliver a box of shirts. This is just my look. I'm wearing a hat and I have a t-shirt. Well, now I'm wearing the dum-dum Thailand t-shirt. Yeah, you are.

You just stole a shirt off us. No, I'm promoting. Think about the brand like when I walk on the streets. Are you going to wear this on? Have you been paying attention? They won't let me. I've told you. I've tried.

I tried to get the burger one on there and it got knocked back. Yeah, if they won't let the burger on, they're definitely not letting a singlet on. All the hosts. So, yes, for anyone listening, we read out a… For anyone listening. For anyone listening. Just for anyone listening.

We're still there. This isn't… Look, if you're not listening to this, you are not allowed to hear what I'm about to say. Right, right, right. I don't want you hearing what I have to say right now. This isn't for you. Yeah.

Well, you've heard that certain kids and stuff like half tune in, like their mums are listening at the front of the car. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, it could be one of those kids. Kids, if you're listening, tell me there's something to say. Look, if you're a young kid in the front of the car. So, yeah, it could be one of those kids. Kids, if you're listening, tell me how something to say. Look, if you're a young kid in the back of your parents' car, just lean into the front seat right now and tell your mum to go fuck herself. Whoa.

Just see what happens. Whoa. It's cool, kids. Whoa. That's not what I'm about. Try meth just once. Try some meth. I said the C word in front of my mum at the Mirror Barrel Live show.

She's never heard me say anything like that. Yeah. Have you heard any feedback about it? Did I say this on the show last week or not? I sort of talked to her about it and she was like, it's all part of entertainment. Show business is part of show business. But specifically you didn't hear it about that specific word.

I didn't want to talk about it. That would be weird. Mum, what did you think when I said cunt up there? Well, there was that great moment when your dad... You're proud of your little boy? Well, the great moment that I noticed when your dad started only chuckling when you called Tommy a stupid little cunt. So we know that he enjoyed it.

When I spoke to your folks, they were really lovely and then your mum was... She goes, what did you think of Scaryborough? I'm like, it's not as bad as you guys made it seem. It's fine. It's fine. But, yeah, she was saying. I think everyone's attitude was that because I've painted it in such a way.

Right, right. And your dad was the best. He goes, I didn't expect to see that many people. I'm like, I don't think any of them did. It honestly was amazing. So each week we read out some names of people who have contributed. We have dual softwares running. We have a machine that randomly decides the number of names

that we're going to read out and then there's a second machine that randomly feeds the names to us because we got accused of, you know, favouritism or some people thought we were making some of these up for the sake of comedy. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. All that stuff, which this literally is. Yeah. Yes. All that stuff.

This literally is. It literally is Cash for Comment anyway. We are reading out the names of people. Cash for Comment. For shout-outs. Basically, you're doing radio shout-outs for cash. Yeah. Fuck, that's a great idea for radio.

Just five bucks. Just have a segment on it. We can't do that for here because this is literally what we're doing. But if you package it on radio as like a little segment every Tuesday where it's like $5 for your name read out and it's just like a minute of – and you earn – you could earn $50. Yeah, that would be pretty sweet. $5 and Husey has to say whatever you send in.

Yeah. That would be cool. Yeah. I'm sure I've told this before but on the – man, this is really bad. But on the Good Friday appeal – have I said this name before? I don't know but I know the story. I'm already excited. Right. bad, but on the Good Friday appeal. Have I said this name before? I don't know, but I know the story. I'm already excited. Right.

Do you know what the Good Friday appeal is? Yes. I've been in this country for 14 years now. Okay. Jesus. And it's got the word fry in it. Of course he's got to do it. Good fry.

You had me there. I used to be upset that people would all eat fish on Good Friday, and in protest, I'd have two Big Macs on the day, just like that. I'm one of those guys. I only have the fish. I don't do meat on Good Friday. Really? Oh, you're religious? No, not at all. Well, that's the only reason to do it. No, but it's just tradition. I celebrate Christmas but I'm not

a big... Okay, okay, okay. Gotcha. I don't have a massive boner for Jesus. For Santa. Santa is the Christmas guy. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you've been here 14 years. You know that. But anyway, the Good Friday Appeal where you, you know, you sort of, you're not sending in money. You're sending in pledges, aren't you? You're sending, you're saying 10 bucks from the all-stop family,

you know, whatever. But you're literally not, they collect on the money later on. So you're not actually giving them your money right there and then. Yeah, you're right. So you're putting in the pledge. And they used to have like ones where it was like, oh, there's $100 if John Deeks will dance around like a bloody clown. And it's like, oh, cool.

And so me and my mates were like, okay, great. And we just sent in one. It was like $100 if you say the phrase, oh, I was jumping up and down and then I went into my teepee and climbed up a tree and saw a smooth monkey. What do you think about that? And it's like 50 bucks if you say all that. And then they didn't say it, obviously.

Right. So the children suffered. So we still get a thing in the mail that says, so you said you were going to put in 50 bucks. Can you chuck that 50 bucks in? And we're like, absolutely not. Wow. Because you didn't say the whole monkey teepee thing.

And then my parents just say it and go, when are you going to pay the 50 bucks? No, no, they didn't say the TP thing. And they're like, what the fuck's wrong with you? These are children that you're. I dare say even if they had said it, I don't think you would have paid anyway. No, I'm not an Indian giver. I would have totally done it. You said the phrase Indian giver on the show the other week.

I don't think that's a phrase you can say anymore. Unless you're saying it ironically. I don't know what it technically means, so I think I get away with it. So, oh, my God. Wow, you really. What? What? How do I know this and you not know this?

You're older than me. You should be more woke. Like, so it's even the phrase Indian for a Native American is now not cool. So to make an Indian giver is like, didn't Seinfeld reference it? Yeah. Yeah, in the 90s. But you still haven't mentioned what it means Isn't it the idea that It means when you order delivery

And an Indian man shows up And you're like, oh, you're an Indian giver Thank you very much And then he fucks up Oh, so I'm the offensive one Alright, cool I'm glad we've got that sorted out Great, great, alright

He can do it because he's Italian or something Olive skin I'm glad we've got that sorted out. Great. Great. All right. He can do it because he's Italian or something. It's that olive skin. It's a vowel in my name, Jai Singer. All right. Let's move on. So anyway, we are going to do a random number of names that are randomly given to us. We had a random name generator and then that broke down and then we fixed it and then we updated the software and then we've now moved on to a different machine which is the?

We no longer support the random name generator software here. We're no longer running that here. We've moved on. That seems to be like the old technology. We've gone with the new which is, of course, the unplanned title alternator. The unplanned title alternator, yes. Yes.

So let's go. Are you ready? All right. How many? Alternator. The unplanned title alternator, yes. Yes. So let's go. Are you ready? Mm-hmm. All right. How many? So we're going to read out a list of people that support this show. How many should we do? How many?

I don't know. Well, we've got a guest. Well, last time you made me guess, like pick a number, and you guys got really upset when I – I can't even remember what I picked. I think I might have picked maybe five. I don't listen back to the show, so I don't remember. Yeah. So I don't know. I feel too scared to say.

Well, I've always been raised to let the guest, you know, it's the guest's choice, so it's up to you. Really? Yeah. You don't want to get upset with me? No, no, no. You want to give me this present and take it back, you Indian giver? You are the man.

I'm pretty sure I remember that's offensive. No, you've learned. He's learning. I don't remember the story, but I think the story, the moral of it was more offensive than the original thing. I'll pledge $50 if you fuck up and cut to the chase. All right, $50 divided by 10, five. Okay.

All right. I was going to say, why would you just choose to divide it by 10? Well, 10 is the number of stone I weigh. All right, let's get into it. Five it is. The guest rules. Thank you to Patreon subscriber, Josh Dennis. Josh Dennis, the double first name.

I would prefer to be, if I had a choice, I think I'd prefer to be called Dennis Josh. Really? DJ over JD. Exactly. You're either Scrubs or you're a disc jockey. Exactly. Yeah, DJ. I'd just call myself, if I was Dennis Josh, I would call myself DJ.

I'm DJ, Dilrub Jaisingha. Oh, yeah, you are. Why don't you call yourself DJ? Well, my brother got called DJ when he moved to Europe. He got DJ, I got Dill, which is… What a cool nickname. I know. DJ would be better than Dill.

Well, I was going to say DJ is a lot cooler, but then you've got that kid in Full House called DJ, which sort of makes it not as cool. That's cool. Which one? Is that the oldest daughter? Was she DJ? I don't remember.

Yeah, right. Yeah, that's not as good. And is being a DJ cool these days? I don't know. Like, what's his name? You go to music festivals and stuff. Isn't Flume still cool? Flume's still cool.

He's a DJ, right? He's kind of not. He's more like a producer. What about that Uptown Funk guy? What's his name? Mark Ronson. Yeah, he's a DJ. Mark Ronson's cool.

He's a DJ. He's popular. DJs are cool. You don't want to be a VJ, a video jockey on MTV. Those guys don't do shit anymore. Is Fatboy Slim still cool? You know what? He's here at the moment.

Yeah. He's in the country at the moment. Is he cool? Is he on the Tommy Daslow list of cool? I mean, he's got some hits that are big enough that- Is he a legend? He's a legacy actor. Is he bulletproof?

But he's like, you know, I imagine his gigs are him just playing whatever old fucking stuff he's got in the crate. And he's playing and then he's, I've seen clips of him where he just gets the intro to Praise You and he's just looping that for 10 minutes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's when people's pingers are kicking in. That's what we need in stand-up. Just some sort of like hit song or hit gag like Duck Sandwich. That's Duck Sandwich. I want to hear 10 minutes of you describing the cafe that you're in

before we get to the menu. That's what the equivalent is. It's like the new Aristocats, you know? Yes, yes. Crats. Sorry, I was talking about the Disney cartoon. Yeah. Ultimately forgettable.

The Disney cartoon was just full of the cats going, fuck, are you dirty, cunt? Then the mum's covered in shit. I also do love that people who don't know the aristocrats joke now go, what are they talking about? Mum's covered in shit. Don't even look it up. It's the fucking worst.

No, the movie's good. The doc was good. The film is good. Yeah. Okay. So that's what I want Duck Sandwich to be. I was at a cafe the other day. Yeah, yeah.

Beautiful hardwood floors. Yeah. Aircon just at the absolute perfect temperature. A bit of Saint Germain in the background. Not too loud. Right. Not too soft. Beautiful hardwood floors. Yeah. Aircon just at the absolute perfect temperature. A bit of Saint Germain in the background. Not too loud. Right. Not too soft. You could hear it.

There's a table of women next to me having a conversation about their kids. I'd rather that to music. I'd rather have a Fatboy Slim remix duck sandwich and actually have that in music. Put the spoken word, put the joke into music. It's out there now. You know what your fans are like. If only I knew some djs that could do that some world famous djs have i told you about how do you not think of all the djs

and who skipped them a friend of mine who is who has dj decks and plays every now and then but is not like professional with it they would have house parties and he had a copy of my cd and he would be like djing while we're all out in the backyard and then he would just start like looping in little vocal samples of me from my stand-up album. Oh, wow. The absolute worst. We were hanging out, partying in my house the other night and I, on YouTube, chucked some of your stand-up and you, I've never seen you hate me more.

Yeah, it's a clip that an outside party filmed and put on and you've got one of these on there as well, Carl, and there's no way of getting them to take it down. And you hate it. Yeah, of course I hate it. It's from seven years ago. It's a poorly filmed clip. I feel like none of us did particularly well in it.

Is that the night I'm thinking of? Yeah. It was not a good night. It was like seven years ago or something. Is that the night I'm thinking of? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It was not a good night. It was like seven years ago or something. Yeah, yeah. You know the one. Yeah. A comedy website came and filmed the night and I just want the clips taken down.

Yeah, it really killed your buzz that night. It really did kill my buzz. So Josh Dennis. DJ. DJ himself That's great We've spent 10 minutes Ripping on DJs

Not even his actual name We could have talked about Scrubs a bit at least With the JD thing Do you like Scrubs? I love Scrubs Up to season 9 Season 8

I can't stand it Wow really? You know a lot of references From it though Like I can get to sleep That's not a reference From that

That's just a song. But it gets featured heavily in the first episode of season 2. I'm obsessed with Scrubs. I love it. Scrubs sucks and fuck you JD. Finally we got back to JD. Good. Thanks Josh. Thanks Josh Dennis. Thank you to Patreon subscriber

Reese Woosnum. I've seen this name pop up either on Twitter or Facebook a lot. I've met this man. I reckon I'm Facebook friends with him maybe. I reckon he's got the word woos in his name. What do you think about that? Well, he's also got the name.

He's got the word nam in there. Is that intriguing to you from the years of service that you did? It does remind me a lot of Hamburger Hill, a place where I served before Dilraga ate it. It's almost like he was sent in to entertain the troops, like he woos Nam. I'm down here to woo you. See, it's sending me back, but I've got like what's the opposite of PTSD

because I went on a holiday there last year and it was really pleasant, so it's just reminding me of that. Met a guy called Charlie and it was really pleasant. So it's just reminding me of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I met a guy called Charlie. He's really nice. The Channel 7 chopper goes above us and it reminds you of the doco on Vietnam that you saw that looked really nice. I might go there. All right, that'll do.

It's not going to get any better than that. Yeah, that was quite nice and succinct. I like that rambling mess of fucking DJ whatever the fuck that guy's name is. JD. DJ Josh. I will be damned if I'm going to sit here and let any part of the Patreon read be accused of being a rambling mess. How dare you?

That's fair. This is all scripted. I take it back. Like even that line, me saying this is all scripted, I'm looking at it right now reading off the page. This is a play. Yeah. I wish I had have edited that bit out.

Alright, hit the button again on the old unplanned title alternator. It's pretty whiz-bang. I like it. You weren't commentating the button pushing for the first two. I like the fact that it doesn't have a noise like the previous version that each time you press the button a different noise would come out.

That was nice. We can't speak enough of the UTA. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Benjamin Lopez. Benjamin Lopez, very close to Benjamin Lomas. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, maybe he's changed his name to- Chasing that-

Mexican dollar. Chasing that ethnic dollar. Yeah. He's technically ethnic Dutch. Chasing that Mexican dollar or more likely chasing that Mexican food. Or more likely not chasing anything. That'll do, won't it? If we're trying to be succinct.

Well, if Jennifer Lopez was J-Lo, do you reckon Benjamin gets B-Lo? B-Lo. And what if he got a job? A below job. Oh, this guy. He got it. Gee, I'm glad we got a third wheel this week because we would never have figured that joke out. See, traditionally a third wheel is bad.

Yeah. But in comedy you think three wheels. You think the funny car from Mr. Bean. Yeah. In comedy it's actually an asset. Yeah. Yeah, totally, totally. We got ourselves a random punchline generator over here.

The joke explainer. The random this guy gets it machine. All right. Thanks, Benny. Be low. Be low. Be low. Yeah.

What about the Pez dispenser? Do you think he's ever copped that? What? Why is that? Because of Lopez. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. I dare say not. Well, from now onwards, I reckon, if his friends are listening.

If any of your friends are listening, be low. I mean, when you start, your name has blow in it. I just think everyone's, you know, ironically enough, blowing their load and not really thinking about what's at the end of it. Well, that's why Chandler gets paid the big bucks to write for comedy because he thinks that next level like Pez Dispenser. Yeah. This show sucks.

Let's get the Pez guy in here. And then like on his CV all it says is Lopez equals Pez Dispenser. They're like, I think I've proved my case. Chando comes in for some reason. He's got like the fucking the Ram bullet, the Rambo bullet thing, but it's just all little Pez dispensers. I'm Harvey Keitel in Pulp Fiction. Yeah, the, what's it called?

The wolf. The wolf. I'm the clean up guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come in, some show shit. I come in, break the emergency glass. Pez dispenser joke, anyone? Well, I think this episode of Packed to the Rafters is fixed.

Here's a glimpse behind the curtain for all of you listeners that have been wondering for decades now. Every show on Australian television seems to have a reference to a fucking Pez dispenser in it. Why is that? Now you have the answer. It's all down to one man. You've been chandowed.

Thanks, Benjamin. You should look into investing in Dum Dum Club Pez Dispensers, like a bobblehead style of Tommy and Kyle Pez Dispensers. I would love to make a very limited edition... Yes, I'd love to make love to a woman.

I'd love to make a super limited... Literally, we just get four bobbleheads made of us or we put an episode onto vinyl. I looked into getting vinyl made. It's actually not that expensive. We could get like a landmark. We could put like the Australia's Got Talent episode

on a double-sided vinyl. Do some cool vinyl artwork for it. Remember the- How much did it cost? I think it like per year. Even a one-off? If you just got one, I think it was like 50 bucks or something. Oh, what? That's not bad. To just get one. Obviously, just got one I think it was like 50 bucks or something

oh what that's not bad to just get one obviously you know you know that super cut of someone did of all the cunt references

I think it was yeah just put that on vinyl or the super cut someone did of all the patron names oh yeah god

patron names drink my sperm drink a liter of my sperm have some sperm here is my sperm in a cup. Drink it, please. Comedy. Have you got any examples, though?

Of what exactly? Of things you say on a night out. What is drink my sperm? Imagine if that was the Jeopardy. Someone says. Oh, no, you just go in with an objective. So it's like, you know, Field of Dreams. Who was the star of Field of Dreams?

What is drink a liter of my sperm? No, I believe it was Kevin Costner. I think what you're naming is subscribers to the Dumb Club. That would be good if we could be an answer on a game show. Oh, yeah. Music blogs are obsessed with that. Right. You know.

Kanye West was an answer on Jeopardy today. My dream is to be an answer in a crossword. Oh, by the way, this is the thing. I may be currently working on a quiz show, a comedy quiz show. Would you say that quiz is difficult? Look, that's up for someone else to decide. Really? And they have decided.

Is it easy or is it soft? I wouldn't say easy. I wouldn't say easy. Not soft. I think it's more difficult than that. Is part of the title directly related to the state of your little dicky when you hear that title? Yes, it is.

Erect quiz. I do work for flaccid quiz. You're right. Shooting spook out of a quiz. What if a contestant… Balls deep in a sandcastle on Chewing Beach quiz, yes. What if someone tried to go on whatever that quiz show is and their specialty subject was sperm?

Do you think they'd get in? No, no. What if the specialty subject is Little Dumb Dumb Club Podcast? That's what I'm trying to get to. Oh. No, no, no. Let's riff on the title for a little bit longer. So someone applied to – their specialty subject was going to be

a closely aligned podcast of this. And I was like, oh, my God, what if I worked on that and get a reference to this in there? Yeah, wow. Some filthy casuals fans out there. That's not the one. Oh, shit. Okay, thanks. Someone tried to do a dollop on. Someone tried to do a dollop on. Okay thanks

Someone tried to do a dollop on Someone tried to do a dollop on And if they did that Fuck I would have been well with my rights To try and sneak it in there But Who was like for example

Who was the dollop doing a podcast Within Thailand In June In June 2018 See that would get struck off the list Because What if the show got screened after that You can't do You can't You gotta do timeless questions Yeah Like Bud Pez dispensers See, that would get struck off the list because what if the show got screened after that? Ah.

You can't do – you've got to do timeless questions. Yeah, like about Pez dispensers. Yeah, I was going to say. Yeah, totally. How do you work Pez into a dollop? That lives forever. Oh, you watch every night and you'll find out. Okay.

Oh, that's Benjamin Lopez. All right, we're still going on here. Oh, below. All right. Maybe go a bit above. Yep. Thanks, Benny. Thanks, Ben. Thank right. Maybe go a bit above. Yep. Thanks, Benny.

Thanks, Ben. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Joe Kershaw. Kershaw. Good last name. Yeah. Look, he has the same famous last name as a 80s pop star. Gary Kershaw. Little joke.

It's not his name. Nick. I don't get it you know it's rare to not hear me laugh in the background it's like well you didn't get Nick Kershaw

in Sri Lanka I'm sure no no who's Nick Kershaw well like I said he's an 80s pop sensation from Australia no

from England I would get some English like I know Beatles oh wow they made it over there did they yeah I don't know Jesus but I know Beatles. Oh, wow. They made it over there, did they? Yeah, I don't know Jesus, but I know Beatles. Lennon was right.

Yeah, no. Kershaw, well, for me it always, I used to read it as Kershaw. Like not give it that. Right, right, right, right. You know, it's like the wrong emphasis. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kershaw. Like, you know.

Kershaw. It just feels like whore. I don't know. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, well, right, right. You know, he's like the wrong emphasis. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because whore. Because whore. It just feels like whore. I don't know. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, well, that's fine. I mean, what? Joe Kershaw, let us know what you did get. Joe K?

Yeah, or like. Joke. The Joker. The Joker show. No, you've got too much to play with with Kershaw. You wouldn't be getting that, surely. I mean, having said that, you wouldn't be getting, you wouldn't be copying too many kids running around the playground these days.

Kershaw. You wouldn't be giving someone shit about Nick Kershaw. Yeah, yeah. Kersh having said that, you wouldn't be getting – you wouldn't be copying too many kids running around the playground these days. Kershaw. Giving someone shit about Nick Kershaw. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Kersh. Maybe you'd get Kersh. Kersh is good. Kershaw.

Kershaw sentence. When you say you wouldn't get kids running around the playground today, what do you think this listener is like eight years old or something? He could be. Yeah. It's 2018. People are different ages these days, guys. Back in the old days, you weren't allowed to be under 50,

but these days you can do what you want. We do have young listeners. You know what? This got brought up a few weeks ago. I identify as being 10 years old. Yeah, right. Okay. Well, then you are.

Great. I've enjoyed this, but I identify as a thin person. Right. And I've been upset the way you guys have said other things about me. I'm going to have surgery. I'm going to go back to being a child. Get my legs broken and shortened. You don't have too far to go back. There's elements of you that are still very

childlike. I know. The way you dress, it does look like you're in the movie big. You've just had the transformation without being able to change. The main thing would be getting 15 inches taken off my cock so that it's down to the 20 that it was when I was eight years old. So you have a 35-inch cock?

Yes. Wow. Wow. Has that not come up on the show before? No. I swear I've told that. Wow. But 35, now we've finally got a measurement.

Like that is, well, a ruler is it's 12 inches of a subway six inch so that's like you know you've got six subway six inches yeah wow together get me on that subway instead of a penis do you get it my balls are too cookie sitting underneath. Sitting underneath. Soft. Fresh out of the oven. Unlimited refills. Wow. But I'm more of a fan of the fudge you can buy there. How could we get that?

I don't know. I'll have to ask my friend Jared about that one. Did you meet him back when you were a kid? When he was only 20 inches? How do you think it got so big? He was only three subs back then. Then he meets Jared. Showing.

Have you got something? Oh, man. I've said it before. Are you the person that put Jared away? Oh, I put him away. Put him away. I've said it before and I you the person that put Jared away? Oh, I put him away. Put him away. I've said it before and I'll say it again. You fucked Jared from Subway.

Fuck anyone who doesn't listen to this bit of the show. This is the best bit of any podcast by far. I'm happy for anyone to have legitimate complaints about this bit. Because it sort of feels like, is this the bit that people are paying for? You know, like it almost feels like, hey, this is where our money went. Hey, and if any of you people at home don't like this bit, blame Joe Kershaw. Because he

sponsored this specific riff. A piece of legitimate Tommy Daslow history that actually happened. Did the cancer drugs swole on your dick like that? Is that what happened? Was the cancer drugs swole on your dick like that? Is that what happened? Was it like radioactive

or something where it's like the spider that bit Spider-Man. If you think it was bitten by a radioactive spider that happened to have a huge cock. It's so hard to get you

into an MRI machine because you need to go on it's on MRI. Why? Because they're trying to put me cock first. Why were they trying to x-ray his dick to see if it was broken or what?

Not x-ray. It's to see if there's any cancer in the dick. Oh, right. You know what would be genuinely good? And we were just talking about some of our younger listeners. Like we must have, you know, like high school aged kids. We do. I would love for, and I don't know about you,

but I would happily do this if someone wanted us to, a listener of our show who's, say, 18 or 21 and wants us to come and give a speech at their 18th. Jesus. But you have to give us some personal information. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we just get to go as hard as we want. Yeah, yeah. Don't you think that would be fun?

Yeah. Just decimating some kid in front of their friends that we've never met? Totally. I do like that you're saying this, that you want to go to an 18th birthday just after you've announced that you have a 35 inch cock and you mentioned jared from subway yeah but i'm used to having to do things with a 35 inch cock it's just a part of me that i have to just live with every day yeah if you would have said to me six seven years ago whatever it was i was going to end up in a podcast doing dick jokes that far away.

I'd be like, no, I think I might do graphic design actually. I might go back in. On a Sunday in your house? Yeah. Well, then you're a fucking idiot. And that would be the thing because you hadn't been to Thailand yet so you couldn't even bait you and go, yeah, yeah, yeah, but you get funded trips to Thailand.

Sliding doors. Yeah, yeah. Wow, wow. You wouldn't have even been able to coax you in with that. Well, my point being that when we talked- Oh, there's a point? Yes. There was a while back when we talked about the Lil' Lil' Dum Dum Club.

Yes, yes. Encouraging younger listeners of the show to audition to do a junior. Do like a bootleg junior version. Junior version. Yeah. So I've been hit up by a bunch of these kids saying, you know, saying, oh, we want to do one. It's like, cool. But they're all very classic millennial kids, all gone.

We want to do one. I'm like, cool, bring it on. They haven't fucking done it yet. So guys out there, if you are in that age bracket, if you're under 18. Under 18. Yeah, under 18. If you're under 18 and you want to do a demo for Little,

Little Dumb Dumb Club, please do one because if it's any good at all, we'll play it. We could do a live one where we play selected highlights. Just give us a 30-second minute demo, and if it's any good, we'll play it on the show. So, yeah, totally, get into it. Okay, the hunt is on for a junior version of this show. God, literally our guest is arriving. I'm fearing he's going to knock on the door any second,

so let's do one more. Well, I mean, those kids are never going to get back to us because it's past their bedtime by now. Right, right. It's been going for so long. What time does this podcast play every day? Is it like pay-to-read? Do they play it a couple of times a day or something?

It's like alongside Rage. Right. This is technically a test pattern of podcasting. This is technically the director's commentary of Rage. No matter what's on. Just play this over. Yeah. Okay.

All right. Come on. One more quickly. Thank you. No, that was five. We did five. No, no, no. I don't care what we did.

We've got one more. I said we'd do one more. All right. Thank you to Pinterest subscriber. Oh, interesting. What's interesting about it? Well, you're about to hear when I say the name. The name is interesting.

Okay, okay. Well, you didn't say interesting before any of the other names, so that's interesting in itself. I think Woosnam's an interesting name. Yeah. Well, that's your call. It's a Woos name. Everyone can find different things interesting if they want to.

I find this one interesting. You're cool. So you see Woosnam and you're like, yeah, whatever. Yeah. Whatevs. I've seen that name before. And Woosnam, the famous golfer. Really?

Yeah. Oh, okay. British golfer. Right, right. Didn't he get to Sri Lanka? Didn't you? No, no. Wasn't he quite Beatles worthy?

No, no. Guys, guys, guys, I want to hear the name. Tiger Woods. Yes. Well, thank you to Patreon subscriber Tiger Woods Comedy. Yeah. No, really? That's really weird that you said that then.

Come on. How did you pick that? Tiger Woods Comedy. Let's subscribe to the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Was that really the name? That's interesting, don't you think? I've never seen anything like this. Yeah.

What a bizarre coincidence. Oh, wait, you're not, like, that just happened? Wow, that's amazing. See, I thought it was interesting enough before. Right, and now this is. Now that you've fucked it out of the air. But what was interesting about it when it was just sitting there with no context behind it?

Don't you think by itself Tiger Woods Comedy is an interesting name? Well, Tiger is an interesting name. I would give you that. You're right. Tiger Woods... Comedy, I get it.

I see it all the time. Just Tiger Woods is an interesting name. Right. So comedy is the last name. That's interesting. Is this the official professional golfer

of the comedy family? Well, I don't... Just because he's got the same name as professional golfer Tiger Woods, who's to say he's an actual professional golfer? That's true. Yeah. I mean, but it's been the case with literally everyone else who's written in with the last name comedy. I mean, just because Elvis Costello's got the same first name as Elvis Presley

doesn't mean he's a rock and roll singer. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, good point. But he is. Well, that's beside the point. Isn't Costello the guy who makes cheese? Yes. You're thinking of Gary Craft.

So, anyway, Tiger Woods comedy. Thank you for – thanks for chipping in. Oh, I was ready to tee off. I was ready to fuck a million chicks behind my wife's back and then get my windscreen caved in by a golf club. I mean, the irony of the golf club. The irony. The seven irony.

In many ways, Tiger Woods did to that windscreen. I'm getting wood. In many ways, Tiger Woods did to that windscreen What we do to comedy here every week Just battered the fuck Well he didn't do it He didn't do it Yeah That's what the listeners are copying

As they're listening Yes Exactly Nine irons through their Their front window Their back door Yeah Alright I think that's enough

We're a good nine iron Through the listener's back door Alright we've had fun Yeah Guys thank you for supporting the show. Thank you for chipping in on Patreon. The support from you guys means a lot to us and we really appreciate it. Come see us live, littledumbdumbclub.com.

We have shows all over the country. Stand-ups all around the country, especially if you live in Melbourne. Come and see that. Yeah, littledumbdumbclub.com. Dill, you've got shows coming up all around the place But I'm sure you plugged that in the main episode Yeah, I probably plugged it in the main episode What I mean, probably I absolutely did

Thanks heaps for listening and we'll see you next time See you, mate This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network Visit planetbroadcasting.com For more podcasts from our great mates It's not optional, you have to do it We used to go easy on it But now you have to Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. It's not optional. You have to do it.

We used to go easy on it, but now you have to. Yeah. Yeah.