The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 383 - Claire Hooper & Josh Earl

Episode Date: February 6, 2018

Turn off the lights and strap in for a very special episode with CLAIRE HOOPER and JOSH EARL. As we transition from low light to absolute darkness we hear about some venue troubles for an upcoming live show, Claire smashing shit, Josh getting a massage, Tommy seeking out alternative therapy and Karl's gym's questionable receptionist.This episode is brought to you by Hairmop! Visit hairmop.com.au and enter the promo code DumDum10 for 10% off your first three months.Don't forget, we have a bunch of huge live shows coming up:BRISBANE: We're coming back for an afternoon of huge live podcasts! MARCH 10.ADELAIDE: God help us, we're coming back. Don't make us regret it. MARCH 17MELBOURNE: We've got a month of awesome live shows happening for the month of APRIL. KOH SAMUI: The Koh Samui International Podcast Festival is happening again in 2018 with guests The Dollop! JUNE 13 - 18. For tickets, merchandise, links to our Patreon and heaps of other stuff, head to our website: littledumdumclub.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Josh Earle and Claire Hooper. But first we need to tell you about some things going on in here at Dumb Dumb HQ. This week, Carl, we have a sponsor of the show. Oh, very nice. I don't know anything about this. You don't know anything about this. I don't know what you're going to make of this company being on board as a sponsor.

You might hate it. Who knows? I hope so. So this week, the Little Dum Dum Club is brought to you by Hair Mop. Carl, do you know what Hair Mop is? No. Hair Mop is a treatment plan for balding men. Wow.

So they are sponsoring the Little Dum Dum Club due in part to the fact that one of the hosts has recently signed up. Really? Yes. Okay, so now you're going to have to tell me how this works. Okay, so... And this may be a good ad.

So hair mop is a treatment for hair loss. So they are offering a discount to listeners of the Little Dum Dum Club. And let me tell you, we do live shows all over the country. I've seen some of the men out there in our crowds. There's a lot of prospective buyers of this product, I've got to say. There's a lot of people that could use this product.

Right. So what do you think? Great. I'm actually keen to know how this works because, I mean, I'm fascinated by the term hair mop. Hair mop. Well, that's not the term. That's the company's name.

Yeah, but why is there mop in there? Well, so the way it works is you pay for this treatment and then they send you an old mop and you just glue that to your head. That's not a good ad. And it fools everyone. You're going to need to start again and we're not going to get this money. But yeah, it's like a lot of hair treatment things out there. The difference with this one is it's online so you can subscribe online.

You don't have to go into a place. It's discreet. They send you a discreet box in the mail with your stuff in it. What's the stuff? What do you have to do? You rub stuff into your head or? It depends how far gone you are. Right.

Not the medical term. But yeah, it's rub stuff in the hair or take a pill. Right. There's like special shampoos. Right. Yeah. Okay. So if you go to hairmop.com.au, it's treatment plans tailored by Australian doctors.

There's no lock-in contracts and a 90-day money-back guarantee. There's ongoing support and there's nurses to check in with customers every six weeks. Free and discreet delivery, flexible payment plans, and you get a free haircut every six months. A free haircut? Yeah. From where? Hey, it's worth signing up.

Even if you've got a thick head of hair, just pour this stuff down the drain and get that free haircut. Wow. So a couple of weeks ago we had ads for getting rid of hair on your face and now we've got ads for putting hair. Ah, good point. Yeah. This is like that Circle of Life movie that you're obsessed with. Yeah.

Shave a club and now hair mop. Wow. No one's ever fucking happy with their hair apparently. It's either too much Or not enough So hairmop.com.au Use the promo code Dumdum

To receive a 10% discount For the first three months Wow Sorry the promo code Dumdum10 Dumdum10 So they've got Nine other dumdums

Sponsoring So have you started The treatment How does it work I've signed up I haven't been sent My first package yet But you know This is going to be An ongoing thing I've signed up. I haven't been sent my first package yet. Okay.

But, you know, this is going to be an ongoing thing. I'm basically out here. I'm the Shane Warne of podcasting. Oh, great. You know what I mean? Great. I was like, I'm going to get on this and there's, you know, I've got a public profile.

There's no way of me just turning up with more hair and getting away with it. Right. So I thought, how can I leverage this into content? Let's be honest, some cold hard cash at the same point. Totally. So, hey, look, you know, if you're're out there if you're a man whose hair is thinning you're a little self-conscious about that maybe you're fine with it that's fine if not try these guys yeah totally and we're getting a little you know they're supporting the show we're getting a little

something for it so again even if you have no need for this product feel free to just get some of it and tip it all down the drain just to help out this podcast. Who doesn't want to be involved with a mob called Hair Mop? I love the idea that all of the balding listeners just get on board and then eight months' time we're doing live shows and it's just mullets and mohawks galore. People are sitting at the back of the room and they can't even see us on stage for the afros fucking just getting in their way. You should go on it and just rub it over a bit of your body

where you don't have much hair. Totally. Just behind the knees or something. Yeah, why not? Go for it. Just get more pubes or something. So hairmop.com.au, use the promo code DUMDUM10. And yeah, hey, if you're someone that's in the market

for that product, check it out. They do a lot of good stuff and it's all, yeah, go to the website, have a look around. Amazing. Yeah. Amazing. Yeah. Amazing. Hair mop. I'm going to go to their website straight after this just to see their logo.

I just want to see the logo of a mop called Hair Mop. Hairmop.com.au. It kind of makes sense. Mop of hair. Getting a mop of hair back. You know? It kind of just – it sounds off the top of my head like people have – you know, you hit them up if you've got a problem with just a lot of shit in your hair.

It's like, oh, I better get hair mop to get all that shit out of my hair. Well, it's sort of the opposite. You're putting shit in your hair in order for there to be more hair for there to be shit in. Yeah, okay. So, yeah, hairmop.com.au. I'm into it. Go check them out.

Great. And hopefully this is the beginning of a long and prosperous relationship. And a long and prosperous mop of hair on your head. And just a great running thread of the podcast of us commentating my journey over the next however long. Great. I'll be interested to hear next week. And we are doing live shows all around the country very quickly.

Yes, if you want to see my new quiff in full effect, March 10 in Brisbane. If you want to see old Shaggy himself, on March 10 we're in Brisbane at the New Globe Theatre, fingers crossed. Then on March 17 I believe we're going to a particular capital city. Adelaide? Maybe. The city of Adelaide. The Macbeth of capital cities.

I mean, you're going to have to book flights and a hotel. You're going to have to say the name out loud to your travel agent at some point. We'll see. So that's all happening. Those two shows, yeah, two weekends back to back, both of them two live podcasts back to back. Yep.

Huge guests in town for those ones. Yep. A bunch of massive names already booked in. Yes. And, yeah, every time we do those two cities, the shows are so much fun. And, yeah, really looking forward to that jaunt again. And, you know, especially with one of them, come and, you know,

come and see potentially the last one. So, yeah, collector's item. It's kind of true of both of them at this point. But, again, let's not jump ahead. So then following that, a month of live shows in April at the European Beer Cafe. March 1, March 8. Oh, not March.

It's April. April 1, April 8, April 15, April 22. 3 p.m. on the Sunday. They're always the biggest shows of the year for us in terms of awesome, awesome guests, heaps and heaps of fun. And then we've got the drunk cast on the very last night, which is the 22nd. And look, we haven't sorted out whether we're going to do a roast

or are we going to do some sort of additional show? We usually do a special little extra show. Because the last couple of years we've done something. We probably should. Let's get on to something. Yeah. So they're all selling pretty well, I don't know. Yeah.

You handle them. Yep. Yep, good. Selling great. Good, good. So on top of that, then we've got, you know, nothing planned until the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival. Oh, we have a – we are both doing solo shows in the month of April.

Okay. Mine, Leisure Suit Tommy, is on from March 28 until April the 8th, first little two weeks of April, sort of. Sure, sure. And then you start basically when I'm done. Yeah. So my show, Carl Chandler's Shit List, I start basically when you're done. 8.15 at the European Beer Cafe.

Go to littledumbdumbclub.com to find out about our shows and to get tickets. It's always lovely to see all you dumb dumb guys in. All the people who are aware to see you guys in our audience makes it a heap more fun. Come and see what we've cooked up this year. And then June 13 to 18, the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival. It's four days of podcasting stand-up. Four or five. I mean you –

Well, five. Five, yeah. Five days and nights of podcasting stand-up, general hijinks with us and the dollop and some special guests that we are going to bring over with us. Plus, if you want to hang around an extra day, I know some people have booked flights and everything, but it's June 13 to 18. On June 19, we will be going to Copenhagen for the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival Roadshow.

Finally. We got booked. Booked for Roadshow. We got booked. Ah, a dream. Feels good. A dream. So we're going to do that.

If you have booked flights already and you're leaving before that, that's cool. Please don't come and complain to us because it doesn't matter. You'll be sick of us after five days. If you want to hang out and do something else on the sixth day, come and have fun with us. We're not planning on it being a huge, huge thing. We know we have so many people coming to the Costa Mui podcast festival

and that's great. There's heaps of stuff that's going to happen and you're going to love it if you've missed out on coming there on the 19th to the Costa Mui podcast festival and that's great. There's heaps of stuff that's going to happen and you're going to love it. If you've missed out on coming there on the 19th to the next island, it's half an hour on the ferry. It's totally cool. Don't stress out too much. But if you want to come there, please come there. So littledumbdumbclub.com for information about all the live shows

that we have talked about. This show is also on Patreon. You can choose to support us monthly if that is something that you want to do if you enjoy the show it is greatly appreciated we send out bonus rewards every month and we read through some of the names of people who contribute we do that at the end of the show so stick around after the episode for that yes but meanwhile uh yeah little dumb dumb club.com come and see us live come and see us do stand stand-up. Hairmop.com.au. Thank you to them for sponsoring this episode. Promo code DUMDUM10.

Enjoy this episode, a special, a very special. Is it? Well. It's different. It's different. Yeah. We do something we've never done before. Enjoy this episode with Claire Hooper and Josh Earle. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club

for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Sperm Dassolo and sitting opposite me is the other half of the show, Carl Everywhere Smiley Face Chandler. G'day Dickhead. Good, I'm glad we brought that back, that's good. Yeah, we made such a fuss about it recently a couple of months ago and then we've just never talked about it again. And I do keep being asked whenever I'm on Facebook, how's sperm? How's sperm, yes.

I do hear it a lot more in my household than I do on the show. Right, so this is your wife asking you, but I think now the listeners are asking you as well, I gather. There's a lot of messages in our Facebook group to you of How's Sperm. Yes. And hey, look, just to save everyone the message and save you the answer for this week, I'm doing good. Okay.

That's good. Hey, I just, up the top, we're doing a bunch of live shows coming up, as you may hear if you listen to the little bit of ads that we do. Oh, can't wait to find out about these. In case you're skipping them, well, here's, I'm wedging it into real content here so you can't fucking evade it. That's the trick, isn't it? Yeah.

Just make it unavoidable. Turn it into an infomercial rather than an ad. So we're going to Brisbane. We're going to Brisbane, what, March the 10th? March the 10th, right? We're going to Brisbane. And we're going to a different venue this year. We've outgrown our old venue, so we're going into a big venue.

Are we now? How's that venue going? Who's that? Who is that? Who is this? This house, this podcast is haunted. Has anyone died on this podcast that's come back to haunt us? Well, we are doing this.

You insisted that we turn all the lights off. It's sort of getting close to duskk and by the time the podcast is over, it will be pitch black in here. All right, introduce the guests before it's too dark and I can't recognise who they are. Well, first of all, from Don't You Know Who I Am, the podcast, it's Josh Earle. Yay!

And also Claire Hooper. Yay! Oh, you don't have anything. I've got heaps of things. Yeah, but I've got your list of credits here. I couldn't read it. It's too dark. It's really weird, isn't it?

The reason I knew Josh's credit is because he's wearing a T-shirt that's got the name written in glow-in-the-dark ink. So Great Australian Bake Off. Yeah. Sure, yeah. I've got a podcast. Oh, you do too. Oh, you do now.

Yeah, I know. You've got like a financial one. Yeah, it's about finance. Yeah. For, yeah. I've got a podcast. Oh, you do too. Oh, you do now. Yeah, I know. You've got like a financial one. Yeah, it's about finance. Yeah. For people that don't like – It's called Bananas. Yeah, it's called Bananas. It's called The Pineapple Project.

You know, it's got – I knew it was a fruit. I said banana something. It references the pineapple, you know, the $50 note. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That helps you remember which yellow fruit it is. Yeah.

But you're really geo-basing yourself on that one. Like no American listeners can do that. You should call it. When people download it in the US, does it translate as the $50 project? Is that what happens? Yeah, I guess so. That's fine. Sounds fine.

What's the president on the $50 note? Oh, what's that? What's the president on the $50 note over there? You look into that. I'll answer these guys. It kind of needs to be Australia specific because so much of the advice is for people that live in Australia. You know what I mean?

Like finance is going to – it's only useful if it's about what websites and banks and like tax twists. You know what I mean? It's got to be for Australia. It can't be worldwide. Okay, enough plugs. Back to my story. All right.

So we're going to a live show in Brisbane, right? Yes. And so we've moved. We usually. Ulysses S. Grant. That's the president on the deal of Bill. Good. Glad we got back there.

The Ulysses Project. It sounds great. Yeah, there you go. By the way, because we're in the dark, I can't see the numbers on the recorder. Has this been an hour yet? Oh, God. Feels like it. So we're doing a live show in Brisbane and we're doing it on March the 10th

and we've outgrown our own venue, our old venue. So we've found a new venue. Now, I feel like this is very dum-dum canon. We've been alerted during the week that this venue we just found is about to close down. Yes. But what we've heard is that they're not closing down until after we get there. And also, let's make this clear.

We haven't heard this. This isn't an official press release from the venue or anything. Aha, well. No, because what happened is, so we're going to the New Globe Theatre on March the 10th, Saturday afternoon. And now, a listener texted me to say, oh, I know someone that works here. That place is shutting down. Like, oh, fuck.

So the official thing that comes out because then the New Globe Theatre has put this press release or whatever it put on the Facebook. It's closing down. But everything's all right until April. And this guy texts me and goes, I don't know about that. So I'm like, oh, fuck. So then I messaged the Facebook page of the New Globe Theatre and go, look. Very official. Yeah. Fuck. So then I messaged the Facebook page of the New Globe Theatre and go, look, I...

Very official. Yeah. Well, you know, I would assume that someone that works at the New Globe Theatre probably has charge of their Facebook page. How did you book this venue in the first place? Don't you have a phone number or something? No, it was through the Facebook and then through email. Oh, my God.

Yeah, but now they're not answering my email, so I thought I'll go into Facebook because that works. Is this live show a Ponzi scheme? That's what this feels like. Fuck, who knows? Did you do Facebook because then you can see if they've seen your message? Well, they just responded to that quickest to start with. So I was a bit worried about this, a bit worried about what's going on

with all the messages and everything. I'm like, are we going to have to find a new venue or whatever, even though they're saying they're okay until April. Now, I don't know how much importance you should put into the first two words that someone sends you back in a Facebook message, but when I asked them, are we still going to be okay to do this show in March? We're fucked. The first two words that they sent me were, dear Kurt.

Now, should I put a lot of importance in that or not? You also had to look down at your phone to prompt yourself on two words. Well, I had to get the right wrong name. A formality and then a name that is not mine. Yeah. Shouldn't be hard to remember. Well, if it was my name, I could have easily gone, dear Carl, I know that one.

And did you finish your message off with from Carl or did you go from? It's on Facebook. It's on the fucking chat window. It's very true. They don't have the same deal. It's not from everywhere. It's not me and you talking. It's from Carl.

I feel like they're intentionally dissing me. I mean, yeah, look, I've got to say if there was some assurance that the venue was fine and that the gig was definitely going to go ahead, they can call you whatever the fuck they want. I don't care. You know what I reckon? I reckon they've just gone, with the attention to detail I've got in calling me Kurt, they've probably just missed

all the payments of their venue and they've been sending all their money to the fucking laundry or something. That's why they're fucked up. Huge donation to the Freemasons instead of the power company. Talk to me how your fancy podcast works. Do you have some sort of contract with a venue about an upcoming date or it's just a vehicle? Do we look like we know what a contract is?

Okay. So you haven't put a deposit down? No. Great. Okay, good. That seems like you're in a strong position, Kurt. Not at all. But we're a little bit fly by the seat of our pants.

But usually it's okay because we've just hit up the venue and gone, we've got this big show, it's going to be all these hundreds of people and it's all going to be good. And that usually works okay, but if the whole fucking venue closes down around us, it doesn't matter how many people we're bringing. Well, make sure you get your tickets because there's no way it's going to be recorded properly. Like.

Well, yeah, look, it's a good ad to come along to see it in live because fuck. Anyway. So we're now in a position where we've sold all these tickets. We may not have a venue. We've got all these people's money. Claire, is this something your fancy money podcast can come up with? Yeah.

How's your zucchini show deal with this one? Yeah. I'd put it in a high-yield savings account. Oh, very nice. Yeah, I don't. So no one can get it back off us when there's no show. Oh, man. No, I don't have any advice for you but I would,

from what I can see from your facial expression in the dark, just reminding everyone we're listening in the dark, you look uneasy and I reckon this is a good time to pull out and find somewhere else. Look, I'll level with you. It's not ideal, okay? I'm big enough to say that. It's not a dream scenario.

I appreciate your honesty. If there's anyone who listens who works for the ACCC, if they could get in touch because I feel like we might need to go on the front foot with this one. Oh, look. I'm going to take these guys by their word. They're going to be okay until April. No uh no no don't do it don't no like it's terrible not to these guys already know they're closing down like i feel bad not supporting them they might be looking

forward to this one last payday no they already know they're in the bin just you back out don't don't do it what's the point creating a strong working relationship with people that you can't continue them working? You know what I mean? Yeah, but if we do the opposite. You're just going to be on the plane. Even on a good – Like with your –

You're not going to even turn onto flight mode because you're going to be like, any minute now. But even on a good day with us, it's not like there's many returning working relationships that we've cultivated over our career. Right, I see. So this is actually quite convenient, knowing that they're going to be closed down. It means you can just deal with them the way you like to deal with people. Exactly. There's no risk.

Exactly. You don't even have to tell your audience hey, return your glasses to the bar. You just know. It's going to be like one of those American teen movies where they're having one last party in the house before it gets demolished. It's going to be like – We don't have to get our fans to behave at all. I don't have to behave with the sound person.

When they fuck up, I just absolutely – I just go up and clock him. Easy. Yeah, you are selling the tickets here, aren't you? People are going to be clamouring to go to this. Yeah, this is going to be a party. This is going to be good. A similar thing happened to me when I was 18. I was having a dinner with my family.

I had to make a live podcast. In Brisbane. I had a party the night before up in Launceston and then I was going down to Burnie and having dinner with my family and all that kind of stuff. And then a friend of mine said, oh, where are you having it? I said, I'm having it at your dad's restaurant. And she goes, no, you're not.

He's just fled the country. Yeah, he was in all these debts so he fled the country. And I'm like, but we're booked and everything. She goes, well, I don't know what to say. It's not going to be open. But the building's still there. Yeah, but he was the country. Oh. Yeah, he was in all these debts so he fled the country. And I'm like, but we're booked and everything. She goes, well, I don't know what to say. It's not going to be open. But the building's still there. Yeah, but he was the chef and so you can go and, you know, have an episode of Ready, Steady, Cook if you want.

But she was really upset because her dad's left the country and I'm like, fuck, I'm going to call mum and get her to organise a new place. It was no good. It was no good. Yeah. I went to a party once that was like in a um it was either an office block or like an old house and someone had like the house was abandoned and someone

someone had told me that our mates were having the party in there because they'd bought the the the building and they told me they were going to demolish everything yeah so i go in and i'm like i put my foot through a wall and everyone looks at me and goes what are you doing? Aren't they levelling this joint? And they went, no. They're just setting up their business in here. I'm like, oh, I've been

told that this was like just going to descend into a fucking orgy because the whole joint was being levelled. So then we've led the party. Claire, I saw you on social media the other day. You went into one of those rooms. What is it called? Like a room where you just smash everything to bits.

Yesterday. It's called the break room. The break room. Now, they had to take all the fun out of it when they closed up their business. Everyone, come in here and break everything. Yeah, no shit, guys. We do that every day. It's already broken.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm still sore. You know, I didn't really have a sense that I was going that hard. I was like, I'll just engage with this in a perfectly normal way. So to explain, it's a room where you, what, pay to go in there and break? You pay $50. They put you in safety gear and, you know, like face protection, gloves, full body protection, give you a baseball bat,

and then they give you a crate of stuff to smash against a wall right and you do that and you're like because i mean i'm walking in going i don't know i don't know i mean like this would be interesting i don't know and then i was like i'll just i'll just do you know i'll just do what you do i'll just get the stuff broken i guess and um weird attitude Weird attitude to come into a. Yeah. Anyway, so I don't have a memory of going that hard, but my back and my baseball bat arm today are so sore I can barely lift my children. When you said I don't have a memory of going hard, I thought you blacked out and woke up and everyone's just fucking flattened

and you're just going. I thought you were going to say you're all sore. Was someone else taking everything out on you? Were you the object that someone was working? No, really, get in there. Where's the breakable stuff? Oh, it's old Claire Piñata Hooper over here. What was this for?

Was this for something? What was this for? It's a business. Yeah, I know that, but why is Claire doing it? Why would anyone? What do you mean, why would I do it? Was it like a stress relief? Yeah, Josh thinks you don't do anything unless you're getting paid for it.

Yeah. This is the thing though, isn't it? That, you know, like we had an earlier conversation about who would do I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here and I'm like I wouldn't do that show because I would reveal. Hypothetically. Hypothetically I would reveal the true me and the true me like. What is the true you? Like to smash stuff.etically, I would reveal the true me. And the true me likes to smash stuff. Yeah, you would what?

You would go and just smash the monkey's heads in. I don't know. I just don't know when it's going to happen, but I am capable of fits of temper. So anyway. What's the worst? Don't you understand? That's exactly why I make you so good on it.

I belong on that show, but I also don't want to do it. What's the worst thing that you've ever done? Like give us an example of when the switch has been flipped and you've gone full Claire Hooper. I used to do a crime on our podcast. Medicare Sydney. Oh, that's a good one. How do you know that story?

You told me before. All right, yeah. That's not that good. I mean I broke an iPhone, no big dealiberately threw it on the floor in a crowded shopping center and yelled at my husband. We missed Medicare. It closes at 12 on Saturday. I just wanted to get my stuff rebated. This is like before I had the app on my phone. I just wanted to get in there. I had like three doctor's visits. I wanted to get my money back. We just had to get there by 12 on Saturday because I worked weekdays.

Okay. And before we were getting in the car, he's like, I'm just going to go to the loo. And I'm like, fine, keep it fast. He does a poo, takes ages. We get in the car. I gun it. We walk up to Medicare as they're like pulling the shutter down.

The guard gives me a smug smile like, you fucked it, bitch. And I was like, that was not my fault. I turned to, I was just so angry. Look, I nearly made it out of the shopping centre too. Like I walked away from Medicare because I could feel it happening and then I just smashed my iPhone on the ground as hard as I could and I yelled, we would have made it if you didn't do a poo. And then I stormed back to my car.

So you physically smashed your iPhone but then verbally the hardest thing you could pull out is the word poo. Well, that's what he'd done. I was explaining. But he'd done a shit. You could have gone with shit. Grogan, Borey. No, it's no time for being decorative.

But poo is a very soft word. Well, there you go. Right, okay. That's what I – yeah, I don't know if I'm really language-based. I think I'm action-based. Right. So I've smashed a lot of stuff. Exactly.

I smashed some stuff in a hotel room. Oh, really? Once when I was very stressed. Oh, the full Grant Hackett. Yeah. Nothing that couldn't be plugged back in and put into place with dents facing the wall. Smashed a bit of notepaper.

I threw the lamp in the phone. Did you? The lamp? Down the hall in the phone. Did you? The lamp? Down the hall, yeah. Down the hall? You picked up the lamp and threw it down the hall? Yes. Is that what happened?

Yes. That's great. Sorry, guys, is this why the lights are off in here? Because you heard that she hates light? Yeah. She can't punch us if she can't see us. I'm not. I'm sorry, and it sounds like I'm glamorising it now.

I'm not. It's not okay. It's not okay behaviour. Calm down, all right. But I'm just saying that I, yeah, and so I was giving it a go. You know, like because I've tried, the problem is like going to yoga every week adds up, flotation tank adds up therapy too expensive one session this 50 bucks 20 minutes i was like give it a go see if it works right so you were going as like a

stress relief yeah i was definite i was going because i was like maybe this is maybe this would be good for you know like whoa what could i do i could learn to resist the impulse to smash things or I could just do the opposite and just smash things because that's what I feel like. But I think the Medicare story says a lot about you because it's like you don't have it in you to smash the phone and say shit. You know what I mean? So you've smashed the phone and then so if you hadn't have smashed

the phone you would have been able to yell, we were late because you did a shit. Like your limit is you can do one or the other. You can break a phone or you can swear in public. So you now know that about yourself, that that's your tolerance. Because you're full bore physically but hand break verbally, I think. Interesting. Yeah, kid gloves, mouth. Well, really, I just feel like there's – I don't feel like you guys –

You could still have a phone if you hadn't just said shit. I don't feel – sure. But I don't feel like you guys know what it's like – To be angry. No idea. To be properly angry. I don't think you do. No.

You don't think Carl knows what it's like to be angry? The words are not – I wasn't trying to hurt him or cut him down. I was saying the thing that my brain was thinking. I wasn't decorating it and making it sound like cool. I was just we would have made it if you didn't do a poo. The words just came out because they were the actual thing. Has that changed you now where? They were at a good volume if that's what you mean.

I mean if that makes it any better. That was pretty loud. Has that changed you now in terms were at a good volume if that's what i mean if that makes it any better though and has that pretty loud has that changed you now in terms of like it is that it like you're never waiting or if it's a situation where you're going somewhere and he's taking a shit you're just leaving him behind leaving behind next time yeah i don't know why i waited i guess he just i mean if he'd gone in and saying look this could be a while but he was like i'll just go to the toilet oh anytime don't ever was like, oh, just go to the toilet. Don't ever say, if you say, I just go to the toilet, you are implying a wee.

Are you not? There is no way that's, no. But just any time in a relationship where one person is waiting for the other to go to the toilet, it's just undignified on both counts. It is, isn't it? Standing, waiting at the toilet door, sitting on the toilet, knowing that someone is watching the clock. It's no good. You can't do it.

We have better. We have language now for which one it is. What do you say? You must as well. No, Beck and I don't really talk about when we're going to do a shit. We've got two toilets. We don't need to. What?

You've got two toilets. You don't need to. We've got two toilets but I won't use the outside one because I'm a lady. Do you ever say to your husband, I'm just going to go and throw an iPhone? Great. Great suggestion. I'm going to go chuck a lamp down a hallway. And just quickly from before, speaking of I'm a celebrity,

get me out of here, a shout out to our friend Carl Chandler who is Skyping in from the jungle right now. Oh, yeah. Fuck, it's hotter in here. You've turned the lights off where you are as well. Yeah, I've gone for the smoke break and I'm just hiding over there and just sending this podcast over. That's why you can't see me here in the dark.

Are you missing Bernard? Missing Bernard? I know, yeah, I had a good bond with him, Bernard Tomic. I saw a lot of myself in him. He was like a brother in a way and now he's gone. So it's a shame but we move on. Hey, what do you think about this? Wait, just quickly.

So where are we at with the venue? Are we doing this show or not? We're just going to risk it. Look, at the moment, if we don't use it, that means we've got to go and fucking find another one at the moment. And it did take us a long time to find this one. And by we, yes, me. Yes.

Yes. So I don't have time to go and fucking find another potential hypothetical venue. But if anyone's got any ideas out there to have like a bit of a fail-safe option, sure, we'll look into it. Hey, you know what? Let's fly closer to the sun. If you know a venue that's closing down on March the 11th, that's it.

Let's make this. This is too soft at this point. What capacity do you want? Sorry, how many people do you want to be able to fit in? It needs to be like a 200 seater. Okie doke. Okay. All right, I'll keep an ear out.

All right. Where are you going to keep that ear? What circles do your ear go? I don't know. All my friends that are from Brisbane. Okay. Like Harley Breen and Midlander Buttle and, you know. We could fucking ask them.

Whatever. You obviously haven't. We could just find a venue that's a bit smaller and then you go in there and crack the shits and smash some walls down. All of a sudden, boom, 200 seater, baby. All right. It's not on tap, guys. If I knew how to control it, then I would be a true superhero.

What if it was just every time your husband took a shit that just something and it's like when twins can feel each other's pain. Oh, my God, he takes so long, though. Like the other day I was like, is it meant to take that long? I'm trying to broach it carefully. Do you check his socials afterwards? Is he like on social media a fair bit afterwards? Oh, yes.

Yes. I am a fiend for that. Just getting sucked into the social media loop and going, I've been in here for 45 minutes now. I'm going to need to dampen it down to clean it up. The people who bring a book in there, what are you doing? There's a line of 10 people in my house where only two other people live for some reason. What about this?

Now, we've just been talking about activity before we started the podcast. So, Jim. Jim. Josh, you go to the gym. I'm Jim. You go to the gym. I've got my gym stuff in my bag. I'm going to go after this.

Oh, really? Yeah. So, we should really get you mad so you can have a bit of motivation when you get there. My local gym now, I don't know what to think i this is sort of a real big fat person working there how does that work well what are they doing there though well see i don't think there's a good place for someone to work when you're a fat person because they're at the moment they're working on the front desk and it's like, okay, well, you know,

obviously if they were going to be your trainer, you'd be like, fucking what do you know? What are you telling me how to do things for? But if you're the face of it on the front desk, that's just as bad. If you're walking to sign up and someone's going, yeah, come and sign here. But do you reckon they're doing that? Carl's impression.

That's a fat voice. Do you reckon they're employing them in the new year to go, you know what, everyone's going to have their New Year's resolutions. Yep. Oh, relatable. Relatable. Come in, oh, yeah, see, we're in the same boat. Well, I can be at this gym if the person behind the desk is,

like, getting craned in. Like, it's fine. Man, I used to go to this aerobics class that was run by a real, like, a woman who was short and chubby, like not fat. She was just chubby. But she was nailing it at the front of the class. Like she really knew her stuff and she did not tire.

She could do three classes in a row. But, yeah, it was a bit baffling because it was like, oh, I thought this was all about image, you know, because most of us are here for absolute vanity reasons. Yeah. Like I don't care that you can do three classes in a row. I look as good as you now so why am I here?

Yeah. So, yeah, like it is meant to be aspirational but I still – But they must – Now I think back on it, I'm like, yeah, actually that was great. I think in the long run that's given me a more healthy attitude to – But how's the cojones on this person that's gone in for the interview? They must have nailed the interview though. 120 plus kilos.

Yeah. Walking in going, I could get this gig at the gym. But I just think that you just said she's just what, behind the desk? Yeah. I just don't think that matters. Of course it does. Why? Because you're the face of the place.

It's not like you don't face of the place. She's not on showy ram ads for it. She's the first person you see when you walk into the gym to sign up. You've got to deal with her. It's like seeing an ad for fucking cigarettes and the person has got the vibrator thing in their neck. But how do you feel about a bald hairdresser? A bald hairdresser. Would you go to a bald hairdresser?

Yes, of course. Why? What's the difference? Because they don't – well, no one – you're not going – even with someone with good hair, you're not going, oh, good, they've obviously cut their own hair. People don't fucking cut their own hair. The bald guy isn't teaching you to grow hair.

I know. I'm trying to do this to get him to understand that this is why the woman should be working. That's not the same because you don't cut your own hair. Now, she should be losing weight and using the equipment and being representative of the whole industry and the business. But maybe she wants to lose the weight and she just is like from a, you know, she can't afford a gym membership,

so she's working there in order to get free gym membership. Like at the restaurant when you wash up. Yeah, they caught her using the dumbbells and she had no money. That's good good but bad. Okay. Just tell me, is it conceivable that she's fit though? No. You reckon she – I mean like because the word fat is a very troubled word

and so you're using it to mean she looks like she's really out of shape. Like she's not just carrying a layer of fat over muscle. There's not a lot of grey area when I say she's fat. Like she's a big person and she's the front desk. She's, you know, she probably, you know, the whole gym's upstairs and she's working downstairs. I'm like, I don't even reckon she's gone up the stairs. She's waiting for the elevator to kick in.

I just think if it's anyone outside of the trainers, it doesn't matter. Like if you're at the gym and the guy cleaning the toilet has a double chin and you go, well, this place doesn't work. No. But even the trainers, does it really matter? Like coaches of football teams aren't the fearless people on the team, but they know how to train you and coach you so you know what you're doing.

Yeah. You know, that's a really interesting idea because somebody should be able to tell you what to do effectively and with precision and yet not do it themselves. Yeah. Like comedy reviewers. It's great. Were you working up to that the whole time?

That was very good. Alternate scenario, she was fit, she's gotten this job. She's doing that thing. She's just been working there for a long time and she's let herself go. And the gym can't sack a receptionist because they've gotten fat over the course of working there. She's not pregnant. Couldn't be that.

Couldn't be six months in. She used to work there. No, she's not pregnant in the face. Look, don't get me wrong. I've been well on board for any kind of fat shaming that's come up on this podcast in the past. But it is worth asking at this juncture, who hurt you? Like you just seem to hate fat people.

Did a chubby woman like laugh at your dick when you were 18 or something? No. You have this deep scene. No, it's a very logical thing. You don't have someone that's very well overweight in that industry. It's very clear. You know what it is, though? Usually he's making fun of somebody who's in the room.

I think that's why this one feels like a bigger deal. It's not making fun. I'm just trying to bring this up going, how does this happen? This shouldn't be happening. Well, no, you're not making fun. I'm just trying to – I'm bringing this up going, how does this happen? This shouldn't be happening. Well, no, you're not making fun. Maybe she's got very good references. You haven't chosen a comedy podcast as your platform.

Tweet Dr Karl and see what he thinks. There's a fat woman working reception at my gym. What do you think? I just feel sorry for the person who lost out in the interview for the job and when they've seen the person who got it and went, fuck, how bad am I? What did I do? What did I say?

I think we have to just assume she is so good at her job. Yeah. Because the gym knows what you're saying. You know, like they – Fuck, I hope they do. It's entered their minds, yeah. I hope it's crossed their minds. We would like to employ somebody who looks like they appreciate

our product and service, right? So they would think that but she just must be really good. She must have interviewed really well. I reckon when she's swiping your card she's not doing anything wrong. Nothing is her. It blows my mind that someone has signed off on that. I'm not blaming her. I'm blaming the fucking admin there and I'm questioning my decision

to join the gym. She's the receptionist. No, but she didn't hire herself. Well, maybe she owns the place. Well, maybe that explains why she's there. Yeah, maybe she owns it. Getting money off fit people. She hates fit people.

Fuck, I'll get all the money off them. Yes. Is that meant to be aspirational? It's like you go in and it's like if you don't lose this way, you're going to end up working reception and having to deal with cunts like you. Is that what that's meant to be, you know? This is what's in your future.

Nothing. Sorry. No, no, no. I'm very sorry. I'm sorry. You know when you have your own little thought and I was just thinking, I wonder if dear Kurt, he just put the R where the N should be. So sorry. So sorry.

So sorry to backtrack. Good thought. Yeah. It's a good thought. We got back there. Man, it's getting real dark in here. Yeah. It really is getting dark.

Turn the lamp on? Are we sexy? No. So how far would you take this? Would you ever get the stones to ask any questions of the trainers? It's a very Curb Your Enthusiasm kind of moment. You call on the boss and he's going, so are we going to be elephant in the room?

Are we going to? Look, if I was in a position where I wanted the job, I'd be looking into it. I don't want the job. If they're for the grace, you know, if I wanted that position, I'd be bringing it up. I'd be ringing up and going, what have I got to do to get her fired and get me in there?

Surely. And is she a new addition or has she been there the whole time? First time I've noticed. I will say I've started going to F45 classes, which is a type of gym, and I do like the – there's one trainer of mine who's like absolutely shredded. Like I mean any teacher or trainer is going to be very fit obviously but he is like a fucking machine. And I do like seeing, you know, the girls that are there and, you know,

at the beginning of their journey just going up and trying it on. It's a bold. Oh, really? Guys do it too to the very fit and ripped girls that are trainers. So you're saying you're seeing people have a little flirt with the shredder guy. Have a crack and it's like. No, but fair enough. I mean, he must have a terrible personality if he's compensating that hard.

He might appreciate that. Oh, now we're skinny shaming. Oh, right. What a nasty piece of work you are. No, I think it's nice to, honestly, it's always worth having a crack at somebody really hot because sometimes you take them by surprise. Yeah, right. No, I don't.

Well, it's a reputation. Keep it going. In comedy, well, I guess in entertainment or whatever, but in comedy, male comedians, very big reputation of batting above their average. So do female comedians. Do you really though? Yeah.

Because I've always heard not that. Yeah, I don't know. That's, I don't know. No, I've always, I reckon. I don't think it's as black as white. I reckon I've generally batted above my average, but yeah, maybe that's just, maybe that's just I got the big balls, Tommy Desolone, right?

Maybe it's nothing to do with being a comedian. Are you making eye contact with me? I can't tell. Going back to what you were saying before about the… Who are you talking to? I can't tell who you're talking to. I'm talking to my teddy bear that's next to me. You were talking before about going to the break the the break stuff room what's it called

heartbreak room the break room yep um because of uh you know as an alternative to you know therapy or whatever yeah i went to i tried kinesiology the other day have you ever done what's that mean two types of kinesiology tell me which one what describe the pro i don't know what did you get hang on Hang on, hang on. What does it mean to start with? Penis in butthole. Okay, that's a weird name for it. I'm aware.

This was talking with this lady for a bit. Hang on, what is it? What's kinesiology? I'm explaining it. It's a type of therapy. So I talked to the woman for a bit and then lay down on her bench and she did a lot of, it's kind of like working out that the body has this trauma that's happened to it and they can tell.

So it's along the lines of like she's got her hand on your shoulder, she asks you a question. Yes. The body answers. You push against it. Yeah. And she'll go, say this out loud, this date, and you say it and you push against her and depending on how weak or strong you push back,

she's like, okay, interesting. Why did you do that? A friend recommended it and I thought it sounded interesting. I'm open to trying anything. Yeah, but. He heard someone was touching people and he went, I'll have a piece of that. No, no, no, because I find that stuff interesting.

I've heard about lots of really interesting therapies but I also know that that shit's really expensive. So I don't just try it on a whim. Like I would need somebody to repeatedly urge me. Right. Well, I was looking for some kind of like going to like therapy or whatever, like something along those lines. I'm just saying you can't start this story lightly.

You're going to have to tell us what's wrong with your tummy. Can we do kinesiology on you right now? Can we do it now in the dark? Sure. Something that you had never heard of two minutes ago. Have a crack. You're the fat receptionist in this story. She says dates to you. Is that you had never heard of two minutes ago. Yes. Have a crack. You're the fat receptionist in this story. She says dates to you.

Is that what it was? Yeah, so it's based on that. So March 10. Because when I asked what kinesiology said and you gave that rambling, insane answer, I still don't know what it is. Well, this is part of the thing. I don't think I do either. I do not know that I'll go back.

Did you go to the right place did you google it first or did you get just someone tell you what it is a friend recommended it so you didn't do any googling beforehand there are there are kind of two schools of kinesiology and that's kind of like i wouldn't be able to describe the difference except that one is oh forgive me kinesiologists one is way more fruity and one's more scientific and they're quite, you know, like they're not aligned, the two different streams of what is called kinesiology. But, yeah, it's really interesting because I've known somebody

to do it who they and their entire family are massive sceptics of anything. Eastern-ish kind of. Anything that's not completely. People are ripping their hair out at home trying to explain to us through the podcast what it is. So I've just looked it up. Do it.

Yeah, do it. So according to Wikipedia, kinesiology is a scientific study of human or non-human body movement. Kinesiology addresses physiological, biomechanical and psychological mechanisms of movement. Yeah, see, so that does not explain what a kinesiologist is going to do to you at all. Very, very basically, it's a type of therapy. So instead of sitting there and talking to someone and going,

oh, this happened when I was a kid and I feel this way about it, it's they study your body's movements and through that they will go, your body is telling me that this happened to you at this age and it's still affecting you in this way. Wow. It's crazy stuff. So anyway, I've had it. Yeah, so my friend from a family of sceptics, they, yeah,

he tried it and it was so useful. Really? Yeah, and really, yeah yeah really interesting because i mean yeah because i also feel really skeptical about it and yet i can understand i can understand look the tricky thing about something like that is i don't feel like you can train somebody to do that kind of magic do you know like somebody's gotta have it's got to be quite innate like some people are good at i I don't know, at perceiving what somebody else's body is telling them.

So give me an example. And I don't think you can train someone to do it. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. You could so easily walk into an absolutely bullshit kinesiologist. Okay, so two things that made me sceptical about this process. She does the whole thing. One, she asked you if you wanted a happy ending.

Your body's telling me that This morning at 9am Yeah, I was watching porno No, so she goes through it and she's like Okay, January 1994 Oh wow I'm getting January 1994 What?

Did you have tea leaves on your back or something? She goes Really? So what And I'm like, did you have tea leaves on your back or something? She goes, so what happened around January 1994? I'm like, well, I was eight, so I don't really remember. Let me just crack open the diary and I'll. So then she's like, so then the end of it is like her going, okay, well, ask your parents ask your parents if there's anything big that happened january 1994 so i'm like so now you're just kind

of like you're just kind of like crowdfunding your therapy yeah you give she's giving you homework now but like this is my concern i haven't asked my parents yet because like what a heavy phone call like what if what if she leads me to unearth something that i didn't want unearth like i'm on the phone and dad just going january 1994 yeah that was actually that was the first time i molested you yeah like did we never bring that up fuck it feels like something that would have come up by now you're 31 yeah actually I've never told anyone except for this kinesiologist. Yeah, so I don't know about that. Man, that is so specific.

I feel like when she goes, that's, I feel like going early 1994, that's challenging. I'd go with a bit of. Are you a sceptic? I'd go with a bit of, did anything happen to you in 1991 on December 25? Actually. Getting real joy spikes here. So off the back of that, I also saw a therapist during the week. Right.

Listening to your podcast last week. What's wrong with you weirdos? No, mine was a massage therapist because I listened to your podcast last week and Dil was talking about him getting eight massages in Thailand a day. Yes. But eight, is he exaggerating? He got three or four a day. Amazing. He eight, is he exaggerating? Yes, he got three or four a day. Amazing.

He was thrashing. But I was on the train listening. He was doing it until someone could get through that fucking skin. But I was coming home and I had like an hour and a half to do something else. So I wasn't going home, I was going to my office. I thought, oh, I'll stop in at a massage place and kill an hour by just having a massage.

And so I went into this place and straightaway red flags because only cash. Yeah. Great. They got the little neon sign in the front window? No neon sign. That's what, because I thought, I know neon sign, that's going to be red flag.

But I thought, all right, no cash. No lady at the front yelling at you as you went past? No lady, no. By the way, the inventor of neon. Brutal legacy for him. Yeah. So I pay my money and she takes me straight upstairs. How much?

$65 for an hour. Okay. Yeah. So I'm thinking nothing's going to happen for $65. Yep. And she goes, just take your clothes off and lie on the bed. Right. Like lie on the bed, the table.

What would be the amount that would make you wonder if something was going to happen? Four extra dollars. So I'm like, okay. Fuck, that should be the rule. Like for the people, that's the password. If you make it $69, it's on. Yeah, if you chuck it in a tip to make it $69, yeah.

By the way, I really encourage the listeners to listen to this in the dark so they have the full experience of what it's been like to record. I don't think I can go back. I only want to do them in the dark. When we go to Brisbane, I'm going to ask for the electricity to be turned off. It's already off. They've gutted that joint. We'll be doing it outside in the car park so it won't be a problem.

So I'm lying on the table. I guess the podcast is cheaper to record this way. I'm lying on the table. I've kept my underwear on but there's a towel there well i put the towel over me i hear the door open i go to turn around and she goes i'll head on the table so she doesn't want me to see her yep head on the table straight away she takes the towel off and just takes my underpants straight off oh no no no. No asking, just straight off. Huge. Oh, I don't like it. So I'm thinking, all right. Don't tell me anymore. Fuck, I am barred up right now.

Thinking about your sweet little hiding. Man, I can even see you barred up in the fucking darkness here. That's how excited you are. I'm blocking out the last remaining bit of sun. She starts giving me a massage and it's a really good massage. It's really like firm and it's really good and getting into knots in my shoulders. Yeah, well, of course it is. You've gotten rid of the underpants which, you know,

is the last bastion of. She goes down and gives my little bum a very big workout, just full on and almost rubbing me into the table to try and get me to, you know, get hard, okay? Really? Yeah. Like I think that's what it is. Like anyway, then she goes down my legs and right up and her.

And she starts going with a bit of what happened on Jan 1, 1995. Her knuckles are on my stuff. Like but in the knuckles. On your stuff? Yeah, like she's massaging me in a thigh here. In the thighs, right. But her knuckles, like because she's touching my testicles. Feel free to get nude and act it out.

We won't be able to tell. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. This is like an hour-long massage. I'm like going. How many minutes in are you when she's touching your nuts? About 40 minutes in. Right.

Meanwhile, the wife's out the front waiting to go to Medicare. She's furious. She comes in and throws a phone into your balls. And I'm thinking, all right, I have to stop. When do I say, oh, no, no, no. But she hasn't offered anything. She hasn't said anything. She hasn't touched it like with anything.

And then she's like, all right. She hasn't touched with intent, has she? Turn over. What? Yeah, turn over. I'm sorry. I did that straight into your ears, Tommy. No, go right.

Yeah, this is big danger signs now. Okay. She does my chest, does the top of my legs. So you're full nude still. Fully nude. Yep. Penis just there. Yep.

And it gets. What kind of mongrel are we talking at this point? What kind of stimulation? Well, out of 10. Oh, let Out of 10. Let's say 10. It's fully rigid. Wow.

I have an erection. You dirty arsehole. No. How dare you decide to get an erection? You're married. I know. Ring stayed on too. Yeah, but where was it?

Then she's like, all right, you're done. Get dressed. Nothing. And I was waiting to say, no, I don't want anything extra. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Didn't come. Did not. You didn't come.

The whole massage on their tents because I'm like going, she's going to touch it. I don't have to say no. So in the end you're sort of like, well, it would have been nice. It would be nice to be asked. I need another massage. Is this a resistance thing where that's making you tense up more so she's got something to, you know, work against when she's doing the massage?

I don't know, but I just thought, well, that's a story for the dumb dumb. Very impolite. Like, yeah, I mean, I was with you at the start, but then that's a weird business practice, isn't it? It is. And it was just straight away taking my underpants off, taking the towel off and then, yeah. But surely that's...

Is that some sort of repeat custom? You know, like is that about getting you to... If I go back, then I get... Is that what you're saying? Yeah, I don't know. All right, see you guys. I'm off. Give him a shout out.

I found that excruciating. Did anybody, like, did you guys? Like, that was. That story. Yeah, because it's already tense enough when you're getting a massage and you're like. Well, put it this way. I've been in Thailand with friends before.

Have you been? Yeah. Okay. It's nice. You should go there. Wait, who's speaking right now? It's Carl. Carl from Thailand.

I'm in the jungle still. So I'm the one that's not here. I've been there with friends before and I've gotten, you know, heaps of massages and whatever, but I've never gone to anywhere, you know. Basically, the trick is if someone's yelling out in the front door to come in, then don't go to that one. Go to the normal ones. So I went to one with mates once and I've never thought of anything sexual

like with the massages but I went there with a mate once and as soon as he gets up, he's like, oh, how bad is that? Because, you know, you're there and you instantly get an erection within one second and you've got to sit there for an hour. I'm like, I do not relate to this at all. Just because someone's touched you, you're like, oh, fuck. I'm so excited someone touched my shoulders oh my god i reckon she's just picked up on the non-verbal cues from

you josh like that's there was no offer because it's like how much more plain can i make yeah when i turn around i have my arms crossed so my legs crossed yeah yeah i think you had you you had you picked up your shoe and put it on your dick and. It's like we can't make it. You just put the flannel on it or something. You know, like just to reassure you that we're not going to go. It's like we can't make it too easy for you. Like just to put your mind at rest, just so you know nothing's coming up.

So it's the one opposite the Brunswick station. There you go. If anyone wants to go there and. And be cocked. Yeah it's the one opposite the Brunswick station. There you go. If anyone wants to go there and… And be cocked. Yeah, get the Josh Earl special. I guess it's like that old saying, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it jack its own dick. And extremely aroused by the water.

But to go back quick, I had a second thing about the kinesiologist that made me. So, yeah, look, I've got to follow up with my folks. I've got to find out what awful thing happened to me on January 1994. Just in the month? There wasn't a specific date? Well, because this is the thing. I think you were sort of saying this before, Claire.

That is, I mean, as the person making that claim, you are really putting yourself on the line, aren't you? But when did you, I mean, we've talked about you've had cancer as a child. Was it anywhere around there? I don't think I got diagnosed until like after that. But, yeah, maybe it is very – Is it in the ballpark? It is in the ballpark.

Oh, okay. But it's not definite enough for me to be able to go – The old cancer whisperer. Yeah. The old Jack the Dancer. Yes. But the second thing – because, yeah, it's crazy for her to throw that out because it's like, yeah, if I ask my parents and it's like, no, no,

absolutely nothing happened around that day. They're like, we were overseas and you stayed with your uncle that month. I don't know what happened. He took you to this massage parlor. But the second thing was she goes, yes, so your body's telling me that it needs this. It was some, you know, some oil or some, you know, something, some supplement kind of thing.

So she pulls this vial out from under the bed that I'm on and it's like half full. So she goes, I'm going to give you this, you know, take three drops a day. And then so she, this is, and it's in her house. She walks goes, I'm going to give you this, you know, take three drops a day. And it's in her house. She walks over into her kitchen and then as she's talking to me, she's just very casually in the pantry, opens up the top of the vial that's half empty

and just starts topping it up with rum, just this big bottle that's in her pantry that is very clearly rum. But she's phrasing it like, oh, this is this ancient, no, this is this remedy and she's just putting it in front of me, like just in plain view. So Bundy is what's going to kill you, is it? Is that what it is? What kind of rum?

Did she get a booking? No, that's what his body needs, Josh. Did she get a booking for a comedian and then thought it was Fiona O'Loughlin and then just? Yeah, I found that out. And it was just one of those things where it's like I can't believe the gall that this is happening. I didn't question it because I was like I just can't believe that this is happening.

So you got the rum? I got the rum. I'm having my three drops a day. Oh, right. I'm feeling great. I'm having my three drops a day. Oh, right. I'm feeling great. I feel cured. How much did the rum cost you? She just gave it to me.

Oh, free rum. Free rum. So if you want a free thimble of rum, give this lady up. So that's really, that's a shot. Kind of, yeah. You got a shot. I'm just doing a shot over like however long. It's like three drops a day.

Was this kinesiologist called Malarm? Thirsty camel kinesiology. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know if it's for me. I don't know if I'll... That's literally a thing. You have to be over 18 to get kinesiology then. Yeah. You've got to show ID when you go into this kinesiology.

You can't drive home from it. Yeah. That was the other thing. I was thinking like in the course of our chat if she asked at any point, you know, do you have – like have you had problems with that? You know, do you – like drinking didn't really come up. Right. So I'm like, I'll play by her if I actually am a recovering alcoholic. Yeah. Nah, she sends me into fucking overdrive.

Maybe January 1994 was when I had my first beer. Maybe that's what it is. She's just like tapped into that. At age eight, did you say? Yeah. Yeah, nice. So, yeah, I don't know. I don't know if it's for me.

I'm hoping to try anything, go in with an open mind, but I don't know, a little bit too. Go on, tell us how much it costs. You know what? Oh, yeah, tell us how much it costs. It's $120. Oh. You know how much you costs. You know what? Oh, yeah. Tell us how much it costs. It's $120. Oh. You know how much you get back from Medicare for a two-hour session?

What do you get back from Medicare? It's not. You can't claim it. I thought you were going to say $51. This guy, a maths genius. I have to say I am a little bit interested in any of this, you know, hokey stuff because when I was in Thailand last, two weeks ago, I did go in. I went into a psychic and I was like, you know what?

I'm going to go in. What? I just walked past. How have you not mentioned this on the potty before? Well, because it's a bit anticlimactic because I was just walking around drinking and whatever and eating and then just went, walked past. I went, you know what? I'm going to turn the phone.

I'm going to record this. I'm going to go in and get a psychic session. This will be funny. Something funny will happen. Whatever she says about me, there will be something in it. We were going to do that in LA. We were talking about trying to find one of those fucked ones in LA. Exactly.

So when I walked past, I went, you know what? This will be heaps cheap to go in here and get a Thai psychic. I'm in Thailand for another five days. I wonder what the future holds for me. So I walk in there and there's no one in there and I sit down and just wait for someone to turn up and no one turns up. So I'm sitting there for like a minute or two and there's no one there and I'm like, all right, and just walked out again.

Wow. I couldn't – they obviously didn't see me coming but – Yeah, exactly. This sounds like a bad routine from the 50s. Yes, yes. How did they not know? No. Yes.

It would have been great if someone. They had a good sense 30 seconds before he walked in. They just ran down the stairs. Yeah, he's going to overload the crystal ball. Oh, man. Does it actually, can you get the crystal ball? Breaking a mirror is like, what, 10 years bad luck? What's breaking a crystal ball?

Do they actually use crystal balls or is that just a cartoon thing? No. You're the only one here who's been to one. We're relying on you and you don't have the story. I've been to one. I was made to go. It was horrendous. Commercial radio, guys.

And I went to the, you know, that thing, the Mind, Body and Spirit Expo where you have like literally aisles of psychics. Oh, so you can't believe. One's at an expo. That's like, that's just weird. That's not very like holistic or anything. No, it's not the zone. You talk to one not at an expo and they didn't even turn up.

Yeah, but I still believe in them more than the people that turn up to an expo. Nah, nah. Yeah, whatever. Anyway, the point is didn't see a lot of crystal balls. Right. Man, my brother, because my brother was in electric cars, right? And so he actually. He worked in electric cars.

Yeah. Right. Yeah. Your brother's Elon Musk. We get it. My brother's Elon Musk. He exhibited at a mind, body and spirit-y kind of expo in Perth and I went along to see him there.

And it's ridiculous. You know, like the left is a very diverse group of people. So you've got your electric car. He didn't belong there. And I decided I would buy the one stupidest thing that I could find at the entire place. And I found a small semi-precious gemstone, like a polished semi-precious gemstone that had a word written on it

and you're meant to like hold on to it to bring the meaning of that word into your life and it was inscribed with the word logic. It just seemed like the most, like it was, I poured over that place and I was like, oh, by the dumbest shit I could – and it was that. That was just like – it just captured it so beautifully because it would – and I actually feel like I was depriving someone who needed it. I feel like the environment that we've created today where we're sitting in the pitch black dark has brought out this talk of psychics

and holistic sort of stuff. Should we tell any ghost stories? Let's tell a ghost story. Yeah, do we know any scary, what's the scariest thing? Do you believe in ghosts? I don't until it's dark. Yeah, I'm starting to now. Dad, Dad, can you come and get me?

Well, there hasn't been a Carl Chandler on this podcast for many years. But what's funny is it's still quite light outside. It is. Yeah, it actually is. It's a little bit light outside. Part of the reason I was inspired to go to kinesiology in the first place was because I went to a proper, just a therapist, like just a straight up and down therapist, and was just chatting to her, very introductory stuff,

and was talking and she was like, do you meditate? And I was like, I do a little bit but not as much as I would like to. I should keep it up because I always think about the person who got me into meditating said this to me, if you don't have time to meditate for five minutes a day, do it for ten minutes a day. And she goes, well, I mean, if you don't have time, then you don't have time. then you don't have time.

Like you can't beat yourself up about not having the time to do it. And I go, no, no, no, but it's like it's a metaphor. The point is when you think you're too busy to do it, that's when you need to do it more than ever because you're so busy and you're getting overwhelmed. And she goes, yeah, but just doing it for double the amount of time isn't going to fix things and make you feel better. This happens like five minutes into the session.

I'm like, all right, can I just leave now and just pay? Because you're on the clock too. It's like this therapist, this adult has just clearly never encountered a metaphor before in their life. And also, I would be getting quite angry at this point. Yes, yes. That's not a relaxing thing. That's me going, you should go to a therapist, to the therapist.

Yeah, so that's when I started to go, that's it. I'm going somewhere go to a therapist to the therapist yeah so that's when i started to go that's it i'm going somewhere else to see what my fucking body makes of all this yeah man it's you don't give up on therapy because of that no i'm not yeah i'm not but i i thought i'm i'm looking around yeah but well while we're in the dark i like i've been thinking about whether to tell this on the show for a bit. Oh, God. Yeah, what are we going to get? Here we go. We need to only do the podcast in the dark from now on. Well, Josh, you know what this is because this is something

that you and I heard together that I think is very funny and I've told other people this who've said it's one of the most fucked things they've ever heard. Oh, great. And it makes me think that maybe this podcast has just ruined me and I don't know the difference between right and wrong anymore. Do you know what I'm talking about, Josh? I don't know what you're talking about.

No. I feel like I'm Josh at the massage place. I am extremely erect right now. So we, Josh and I, when we were doing the, we just did gigs at the Falls Festival over New Year's Eve and we met a listener who told us a story. Who told us a story. Their job involves sometimes having to go in and kind of break into houses

where people have either suicided or attempted to suicide. First response. First response, right. Right. That's a way better title than what Tommy just said. What's kinesiology again? This person. Did something happen to you in 2018 like yesterday?

This person got called out to a house where someone had tried to kill themselves by shooting themselves with a spear gun, had missed their head and instead pinned themselves to the wall. Great. I think that's one of the funniest things I've ever heard. 90% of people I've told look at me horrified and think that is just appalling. I also think it was funny because the guy who told us that told us

as a bit of a throwaway kind of thing what he does. Offhand in the middle of a, no offence to him, very boring story. And we just lost it. We were crying and he's like, anyway, this sandwich I'm eating and we're like, mate, go back to the spear gun. Fuck, I'd love to hear the segue between the sandwich and the spear gun into the guy's guts. Yeah.

I mean, just when you think you can't get any lower, you're stuck to the wall and you've got to call these guys to come and get you down. Yeah. So the guy's got the phone on him so he has to make that call to who to get him out of the spear gun situation? He just calls triple zero. Yeah.

Right. And says, I've made a mischief. And is it one of those ones where? Yeah, because, oh, man, this is difficult territory, isn't it? To really break down why this is funny, you have to go bad places. It's like a Looney Tunes cartoon. But, like, all I can think of is at what point did he stop crying? Like how long?

If he had a long wait, I mean first response are fast, but he still probably actually got to that point of sitting there like in pain but quite bored. Do you know what I'm saying? My first thought. So long for emotional turmoil, it's like, oh. My first thought is. I feel nothing now. You know what I'm saying? My first thought. So long for emotional turmoil, it's like, oh. My first thought is. I feel nothing now.

You know what I mean? You know the hospital people where someone comes in with a bottle up their bum and they have to make up that back story and go, oh, yeah, well I was just jumping off the top of my fridge and the door fell open and I just landed inside it and the bottle went up there and that's the story. So is this guy then saying to the triple zero people, well, there was this shark was in my room and I hit the trigger

and it went in reverse and I got pinned to the wall. And also a spear gun is not going to kill you straight away either. That's the thing. That's a lot of bleed out you've got to do. It's a wild. That's the wrong club. You're in the sand and you've pulled out the five wood. It's just the wrong one.

It's a crazy choice of implement. It is crazy. But I don't, yeah, I mean like. It's not going to make you go nine. We're probably not talking about someone of their most rational. Yes. To be fair. But also I just imagine him pinned to the wall trying to get his phone

out of his pocket. Man, oh, my God. And having to make that call. Because once I got my belly button pierced and it got a bit infected and it came out and I had to put it back in but I was still very tender from the infection. I can't even. The point is, the point is I was trying to put the piercing back in

and I was like passing out as I was doing it, trying to lean on the window sill and get it back. And the point is that was quite small compared to a spear gun pinning you to the wall. Like how do you make a call when you're in that much pain? And was this belly button piercing a suicide attempt? A very slow one. You're trying to get infected.

Well, yeah. I mean because the thing is. How has he pinned to the wall through what part of the body? Yeah, give us the details now that we've gone this far. I think this is why I was able to find it so funny for so long because I assume that it literally is like a Wile E. Coyote cartoon where it's just gone through the T-shirt and stuck him there. Right.

And it was two weeks of me telling the story to people before someone went, you realise it's like it's gone through the t-shirt and stuck him there right and it was two weeks of me telling the story to people before someone went you realize it's like it's gone through his shoulder like it's really fucked him up yeah and i'm like oh yeah that does change it considerably that does make it a bit less of a lark yeah i don't think i can imagine any place that because if you think about the pointed barb at the end of a spear gun i don't think there's any place in the vicinity of your head that would pin you to a wall that wouldn't completely ruin your body for the rest of your life. So it is funny that you found it funny now that we're really – Look, I stand by my enjoyment of it.

Yeah, me too. No, I'm with it. Thank you. Well, you know what? Seeing how you've backed me up here, I'm allowing you to hate that fat woman at your gym. I don't hate the fat woman. Let's get it clear.

I'm questioning the hiring policy of that gym. I don't think you're allowed to not hire somebody because of their size. I think you should be in that instance. Being in the dark has all of a sudden made us all a lot more honest, hasn't it? But I feel weird that this guy has tried to neck himself with the spear gun where it's like if you've got the spear gun, I reckon you've got a boat. You could go fishing.

There's stuff going on in your life. Surely it's not too bad. That's a good point. Another funny thing that he told us about suicide. Oh, yes, good. Relating back to a close personal friend of the show, the Westgate Bridge. Yes.

They've been on the show. First response stories that he's heard from down here is that, you know, when people do that, there's a car left on the bridge. Right. That then has to be taken care of. Yes, right. They have to go get a car out. And he was saying it's like 50-50.

A lot of the time you get there, keys in the engine. Yep. Great person. They've thought of it. What they were doing. Yep. Plenty of times, keys not in the ignition. Yep. Car locked Person knew what they were doing. Yep. Plenty of times. Keys not in the ignition.

Yep. Car locked. Yep. Keys up their arse. Person's gone into the great beyond and just habits kicked in. Yep. Better chuck these in the pocket. Oh, nice.

Which I think is very, I think it's very interesting that there's a split. No, totally. That's a fascinating little minutiae into the mind of people that have made that big decision of what you're still doing. You cannot, yeah, like it would be interesting, I think that would say something, that would be an interesting study, but you can't do it because none of the subjects are around to participate. I bet at some stage someone has had to go to fix that problem.

There's a car there, there's no key. It's a problem of how to get that car off there. There's plenty of people that are sitting there going, you know what? I'm glad that person that fucking did this has now thrown themselves off the bridge because I'm fucking furious at them. It would be interesting to see how many of those people wrote notes, like suicide notes, going, all right, if I've thought of this beforehand, I'll write a note.

I'll leave the keys in there because… Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're making the difference between people that are like with a more impulsive action. I'm a big fan of Dum Dum Club. If I'm going to kill myself, I'm going to go off the West Gate. Yeah. Wow.

First you got your dick jacked in a massage parlor. Now this. Is there anything you won't do for this podcast? You know what I'd like to know? I'd like to know the stats if they're collecting the stats. What sort of car comes up most often in that situation? What are you driving? What are you driving? What are you driving when you make that big call?

Oh, my God. Man, I wonder if these stats exist. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you can't just – there must be some stats because that sort of thing can't just happen and everyone just goes, well, let's forget that ever happened every day. Or the people who gas themselves in their garage.

What car's got the least number? That's a selling point. Right. We have the happiest drivers out of all the cars. Yeah, yeah, you're right. Yeah, that's a great point. Australia's least neckiest self-employed car. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do that, Kia. This car's going to make you so happy you will not have suicidal thoughts. Kia-le yourself. Oh, God. All right. Can we turn the lights on now? We've got to wrap this up. This has just gotten fucked.

I feel like we've booked the wrong guest in the shape of Claire Hooper to be talking about these things. It's not the wrong guest. We've just got the light on the wrong setting. All right, guys, that brings us to the end of the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Claire Hooper, Josh Ell, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you. Oh right, guys, that brings us to the end of the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Claire Hooper, Josh Yell, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you.

Oh, is that who that was? Claire, your podcast? My podcast is The Pineapple Project. So you can find that where you get your podcast. And you've got a show coming up in April? Yeah, I've got The Great Australian Bake Off on Foxtel and I've got a show coming up. It's at Perth Fringe and it's in Melbourne Comedy Festival as well.

It's called All The Rage actually. Right. Nice. And Josh Earl? I'm doing a bunch of podcasts around the country. So the day after you guys in Brisbane, I'm there as well. Are you at the New Globe Theatre? No, I'm doing it at the Hey Ya Bar.

Must be nice to have a confirmed venue. So that's selling videos. Also, that's March 11, March 14. I'm in Sydney doing the podcast at the Cafe Lounge. And then I'm also doing the podcast in the Melbourne International Comedy Festival straight after you guys are performing at the Euro. We do Sundays in April at 3 o'clock. We do a massive live podcast every Sunday in April

and the first four weeks of April. Yeah, and then we do the drunk cast at the end. And Josh, of course, your podcast, Don't You Know Who I Am. Yes. You should check that out. It's very good. Yeah, every Thursday it's up. So get that.

Great. My husband was just on it. Yeah, he was very, very funny on it. It's really weird to have him cutting my lunch like this. We're doing solo. We're doing Comedy Festival. What are your shows? I'm doing a show called Carl Chandler's Shit List.

Sounds good. Yes. It's me counting down the 50 things that shit me the most or the 50 fuckedest things. Great. So, yeah. Tommy? Mine is called Leisure Suit Tommy.

It's a stand-up show. It's going to be funny. But people have heard all that in the ads already up at the top. It's nice to wedge it into the real content so that people can't fucking skip it. Guys, thank you very much for joining us and we'll see you next time. See you, mates.

Oh, and the lights are on oh and we've done it again the lights are very on right now and i i you know what i want you to turn them off i i hated doing that really i hated it i loved it it's so hard to keep it's so hard to keep the vibe up when you can't see anyone no no no i loved it i i'm the opposite. I loved it. I want to do a live show with the lights off. I think for me it's the fact that if we started in the dark, I could handle that.

Like if we chatted and then turned the lights off and then went for it, it's the fact that being in a room where it's gradually gotten dark and no one has turned the light off, there's something a bit depressing about it to me. You know what? I want to do the Brisbane live show in the dark. Well, as we said on the app, I don't think there'll be much choice. You know what?

We should do the drunk cast in the dark. Because people always, we've got this problem where we're like, it's meant to just be what happens on the night. And these ratbags, they turn up with their phones, they're Instagramming us, they're filming it, they're filming all the deplorable stuff. So this is like a security device. We've talked about big names like Chris Rock and Chappelle, they'll take people's phones.

There's those special bags that kind of lock. I mean we can't afford to do that. What we can afford to do is put the dimmer all the way down. Turn the lights off and turn the mics off. Perfect. Yeah, totally. Then they can't record anything. Don't you think?

And insist everyone has… A blindfold on. Yeah, and headphones on so they can't hear us. Yeah, and everyone gets waterboarded before the show begins so that they don't have the mental fortitude left to even think about filming. Yeah, and then when they're in the venue, we go and do the show at a different venue where they're not. Perfect.

It's the only way to be safe. Yeah. It's the only way to be safe. Perfect, perfect. So, a little bit of update beyond that before we get into the Patreon raid. What? Look, Koh Samui Podcast Festival, International Podcast Festival, June 13 to 18, like we said at the top,

we have added the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival roadshow date of June 19 on the island of Copenhagen. So are you doing that? Yeah, I got the call. Oh, the date of June 19 on the island of Copenhagen. So are you doing that? Yeah, I got the call. Oh, the one on June 19? Yeah, yeah. Oh, I'm doing that too. Oh, man, fuck.

That's such a relief. Yeah, man, I was worried I was going to be stuck with some shitheads who I don't like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is great. That's cool. That's very nice. It's good to have a good team on the road.

Yeah, totally. Yeah, yeah. I wonder who else is doing it. I don't want to be stuck on the bus for hours with someone I don't know. Yeah, so that's great. So, again, like we said up top, if you want to come along to that, feel absolutely free if you're already coming. If you're booked to go back on your flight home, that's absolutely fine.

Please don't complain. That's the date we picked. We sort of warned you for a while. Look, you will be sick of this after five days i'm sure yeah if you want to come and see the sixth day that's cool it's gonna be i'm you know it'll be fine it'll be fun i'm sure it'll come out in some degree if the phrase you can please all of the people some of the time or some of the people all the time yeah hadn't been invented yet yep i dare say that it would have been invented in the face of the boom

of podcasting. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. So that's exciting though because Copenhagen is fucking awesome. I've never been. I'm excited. Very much looking forward to doing all of that. Great.

And also we've been talking about the beautiful Ozo Chuang Samui Resort in downtown Chuang. Greatest city in the world. Yes. The island that never sleeps. The big ping pong ball. Yes. Fuck, that would be good.

What if they did that as the big banana sort of thing? Yes, the giant ping pong. Yeah, amazing. And it's not hard to make. Yeah. It's just a ping pong. Yeah, amazing. And it's not hard to make. Yeah. It's just a big sphere. Yeah, big circle. A big circle.

Fuck. So in your mind, it's not even three-dimensional. It doesn't have to be. It's just a circle. It's just a flat. It's Thailand. It's a big circle as big as you can. It's a cheap copy.

It's a knock-off sphere. Cheap copy, yeah. It's a cheap knock-off big landmark. Great. Yeah, that'd be great. Let's build it. Let's a cheap knockoff big landmark. Great. Yeah, that'd be great. Let's build it. Let's try and get that happening. A bar at a giant...

Let's just change this whole island, redesign the whole fucking joint. Let's quit this and become town planners. Island planners. Can you do that? Let's get on to that. It's like we're treating Samui now like it's a game of sim city yes get to come in and fucking level bits of it yeah put a roller coaster there yeah put a fucking put a pool and put some people in it fuck that'd be awesome so uh we are going there we uh the

like we said the ozo the beautiful ozo joining samui resort it is uh getting pretty full uh we're now getting to a point where i'm not sure really what to recommend to you guys because it's so full that I think there's like maybe a handful of rooms left so you can get on there. They're a little bit more expensive than what they used to be because so many people have bought rooms. There's a handful, handful, small handful of rooms left, I believe. So get them any way you can.

We're no longer directing you to the Ozo Chowing official website. Just get them however you can, whether it's through travel agents, whether it's through third-party websites, because there's no longer the discount on the official website. So if you've left it this late, cheers and well done. Pat on the back to all the people that got in early, but now you're going to have to fend for yourself. However, what they have done is they have offered,

they've got a sister hotel, sister resort that is up the road. It's called the Amari in Chuang Beach. So you can always go there. There's a special code for that as well or you can do whatever you want through third-party websites if you want to do that. My parents have stayed at the Amari and they said it was beautiful. My parents have stayed there too. Right.

Yeah. That's when I shouted them to come over and they stayed there and it is very, very nice. It's owned by the same people as the Ozo. Ozo is actually sort of designed to be like the little brother of the Amaris. Of the older sister. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the Amaris actually officially, I think it's like a four,

four and a half star. The Ozo is actually designed to be a cheaper version of that. Right. The Ozo is fucking awesome. You wouldn't know it. No, you wouldn't know it. I think the only difference is the designed to be a cheaper version of that. Right. The Ozo is fucking awesome. You wouldn't know it. No, you wouldn't know it. I think the only difference is the rooms are a bit smaller. Okay.

So that's when people, they say officially you can't have a room this small and call it a four-star hotel. Right, right. It's just a dimensions thing. Who cares? You can do it in there anyway. Exactly. You're not in your room.

Freak. Yeah, yeah. You go there to sleep and that's it. There's fucking shit to do. Yeah. But my point being it is a, if you're into that, the rooms are bigger at the Amari and the buffet is bigger. Oh, now you're talking.

Yeah. I've stayed at the Amari in Bangkok. There's fucking two buffets in there, honestly. Right. There's two buffets in the one buffet. So talk me through it. How does that work? In Bangkok, you check out all the buffet you go

through all the stuff and you see all the different dishes and then you keep walking keep walking it goes for so long it starts again ah right instead of you sure you didn't just go around like three corners and you know absolutely not it starts again buffet is infinite no it's so big it starts again the room is so huge i'm like man this is that's so funny that It starts again. The room is so huge. I'm like, man, that's so funny. That's the sign of a big buffet. If you've got to then go, well, no one's going to be bothered walking to the end of that room just to get a crab. We better put crabs up here.

I wouldn't call that two buffets though. I'd say that's one big buffet with a bit of an ad break in it. Well, that's the difference between me and you. Yeah, really? I call it two buffets. That's the one difference between me and you. That's the way to split us two. If you ever see us two and you go, which one's Carl, which one's Tommy,

pull out the big buffet in Bangkok question. Big photo of it. Is this one or two? Yeah, yeah. It's like a colorblind test. Yes. So, yes, littledumbdumbclub.com. You can find a link there to our dedicated page for all the information

about Koh Samui. And, look, I tend to be the person who keeps copping all the questions about what Thailand's like and what Koh Samui's like and whatever. I wonder why that might be. I know. But anyway, so if you desperately need to do that, we're on the socials. Hey, ask me if you want. I don't know much.

I've only got four days' worth of experience. You've been to the Ozone. I saw some stuff. Yeah, yeah, totally. That was cool. Went for a little drive around the island. I had to buy prescription medicine there. Really?

I've never done that. So you won up on me. Yeah. That's what was second you won up on me. Yeah. That's what was second way to tell us apart. So, yeah, hit us up on the socials, on Twitter, on Facebook, even on Instagram if you'd like to and ask us questions and stuff like that. That's got to be the worst of the options. What?

Sliding into DMs on Instagram. Why? There's so many better ways of getting in touch with us. Well, that's just the same as all the rest of them. Sure, but I mean – There's plenty of questions that we get in touch with us. Well, that's just the same as all the rest of them. Sure, but I mean… There's plenty of questions that we get sent on Instagram. But my point is, you know, if like… Some of the kids don't want to touch the Facebooks and the Twitter.

Instagram DMs aren't the default choice for having a good old natter. You know what I mean? With my friends, I'm not going, oh, I'll hit him up on Instagram. That's how I'll arrange to have a beer tomorrow night. Well, you know, a few people have hit me up on WhatsApp and I don't really use it. Really? Yeah. Oh, that's weird. Yeah. That's how I'll arrange to have a beer tomorrow night. Well, you know, a few people have hit me up on WhatsApp and I don't really use it. Yeah. Oh, that's weird. Yeah.

I don't use it. I just sort of, I think I registered it and then just never use it again. Let's get on WeChat. Let's get a WeChat group going. I don't even know what that is. It's Facebook in China. Oh, really? Yeah.

Then let's definitely do that then. Can we do that? Yeah, totally. Can we do a page on that? I think, I'm pretty sure we can, yeah. We could set one up. I would need some help from one of our listeners in China to help that get set up.

Okay. Well, I'm giving you that task. Okay. I'll try and get it done. If you can oversee our Facebook fan page in China, I would absolutely love that. Okay. I'll ask some people that I met over there for help.

Oh, really? Yeah. Okay, great. Yeah. So, thank you to everyone for subscribing to patreon.com slash Little Dumb Dumb Club. Hey, for everyone that does subscribe, I hope you enjoyed what we've been pumping out lately.

We did the January rewards that just came out was the Little Dumb Dumb Club Koh Samui International Podcast Festival doco that we recorded last year, but then we did a director's commentary, recorded live at the National Gallery of Victoria. So I hope you guys enjoyed that. We did a magazine. Tommy Daslow has just designed the new cover for the February magazine and it is very impressive.

I've done it again. He has done it once again. I'm annoyed that it looks good because I would like to make it public. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, maybe you should. That's what I suggested. Maybe you should change it into a poster or something. But anyway, enough of that.

So I hope you all enjoyed all of that stuff. Please, if you're intrigued at all, I think get onto it. All the bonus, we do an hour or whatever it is, bonus episode. We do the magazine. It's all fun. It all takes us quite a while. But we also read out people's names that have contributed. And I don't know if this is the first time you've listened.

We just chuck out a bunch of random names and then we stop at some point and everyone's happy. We're usually pretty respectful. Now, of course, for new listeners that have come in off the back of, you know, Claire Hooper and Josh Earl, their fan bases that have come in off the back of Claire Hooper and Josh Earle, their fan bases that have come in off the back of that. What we do is we've got some of that money from Patreon goes towards the upkeep of this

expensive bit of equipment called the Unplanned Title Alternator that we just go through all the – randomly selects a couple of names of the people that subscribe and then they come up on the screen and then I read them out. It's absolutely random. Yep. You couldn't pick it. No. You couldn't make this stuff up.

Yeah. If you had, you should be sentenced to death by firing squad. Well, look, we'll prove it. I've hit the button. So we've got the first name. It's very unplanned and it's a title, that's for sure. Have a guess. Have a guess. Have a guess at what it is.

At the name that's come out? Yeah, because this just shows how random it is. Oh, okay. David Alsop. Absolutely not. You didn't get either of the names right. So there you go. That proves it's not rigged.

That proves beyond a shadow of a doubt. Yeah, totally. I'm distracted because I haven't had dinner yet and it's getting late and I'm worried that all the local restaurants dinner yet and it's getting late. Yep. And I'm worried that all the local restaurants near me are going to close by the time we finish this. So I'm thinking I might just order something on Uber Eats now at the start of this.

Okay. So that it turns up by the time we finish. Well, I want you to concentrate enough on the names I'm about to read out. No, I can multitask. So you're clearly not. What are you ordering right now? Well, look, I'm trying to find the place I want to order from. Fuck. You're so distracted.

Sperm Factory. Oh, God. It's not showing up. Siri? What's wrong with you? I'm hungry. This is how I get. Is that the sister? This is how I get. Is that the sister store of the Cheesecake Factory? No, it's the sister operation of the CC Music Factory.

Okay. All right. That's what you want for dinner. Okay. Doesn't make much sense to me, but, you know. Hey, millennials. Mm-hmm. I'd order some Dim Sims.

How many should I get? I don't eat them, so I don't know how many. How many should I get? Four. Four, six? Four. Somewhere in between. Fell into that one. You fell right into that one

You fell ass first into that Yeah, right into the sperm factory Alright, so thank you to Patreon subscriber Matthew Woodhouse Woodhouse? Yeah I like that

Yeah, you can tell that's an old school name It's outdated now You run into a lot of brick houses these days Matthew Brickhouse Yeah, would you be embarrassed? I like that. Yeah. You can tell that's an old school name. It's outdated now. You run into a lot of brick houses these days. Matthew Brickhouse. Yeah, would you be embarrassed? Would you be changing your name to – there was probably a point like in what, the 90s or something where the family deviated out and they were like asbestos house.

Oh, yeah. That was like – Is that a 90s thing? When was that? When's the big asbestos boom? I think that was like well before. I think that was 60s and 50s and whatever. I think only people just figured out that asbestos is not that good

in the 80s and into the 90s. I just looked up a BuzzFeed listicle of only 90s kids will remember this. Oh, right. Asbestos isn't on there. So I was wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I apologise. Yep, yep.

I wonder if anyone's ever taken on – because there was at some point someone thought asbestos was good. That's why they put them into all these houses, all these buildings. Yes. So at some stage did someone adopt that as a name? Surely at some stage someone's gone, oh. Asbestos. It's a nice sounding word.

I reckon it's like diarrhea or if you said that to someone who doesn't speak the language, they'd go, I reckon that means something nice. Really? Yeah. You think diarrhea sounds nice? That's a thing. That's an actual thing.

They've asked people who English isn't a language that they speak. Oh, really? Diarrhea. Like without the connotation. It's too tainted in my head. I can't get my way around it. It's floaty. It's nice.

It does sound like the Greek goddess of something. Yeah, exactly. Totally. The Greek goddess of you ordering six dim sims at this time of night. Speaking of which, should I get a curry? Should I get butter chicken? It's pretty late to be having butter chicken. I haven't had dinner.

Like 10 p.m. at night. I haven't had dinner. Well, do you want some? Yeah, no. This must be driving you wild. I don't eat at this time of night. So you're just going to skip dinner? Yep.

That's fucked. I'm fine with that. You don't need, you know, food is fuel. I don't need fuel to fucking go to sleep. Yeah, I'm getting butter chicken. All right. Get your butter chicken. You know, you don't have a, you've got a sensitive little tummy.

I don't know. No, I can handle, I can handle. Okay. All right. Up to you. I can handle curry at 10 p.m. All right. This is, this is wild stuff.

Anyway, thanks, Woodo. Thanks, Matthew Woodhouse. Thanks, Matthew Woodhouse. Thanks, Matthew Woodhouse. Thanks. And this is your money directly going to a butter chicken. And think about upgrading the name because it's embarrassing. Yeah. It's 2018.

It's not living in fucking log cabins anymore. It's rustic. You've got a rustic name. A very rustic name. But thank you. It's Matthew Woodhouse's butter chicken. You've sponsored that specific. Yeah, I think he chucks you in like $10. That's Matthew Woodhouse's Butter Chicken. You've sponsored that specific, you know, yeah, I think he chucks you in like $10.

That's like a curry. Yeah, well, I mean, curry, this is the thing though. Indian, one of my favourite foods. Fuck, it's expensive. Well, it goes. All I've done is put butter chicken and masala culture and I'm on $18.90. That's without rice and the delivery fee. You know what?

Dinner, you can hack that. You know what's the real thing that creeps up? The old $20 lunch. If you work in the office or whatever, all of a sudden your lunch is costing $20 these days. Jesus Christ. When did that happen? Place order.

Should be $10. $10 lunch. Special instructions. Yes. Please come and be interviewed on my podcast. Oh, no. Fuck. How do I cancel this?

Why? What are you cancelling? No, because I had my friend's address in there from the other night. Oh, you fucking idiot. Thanks, Matt. What a great prank. Get someone to butt a chicken in their house at 10 o'clock on a Sunday. Now you've got to eat it and have weird dreams.

Yeah. All right. Thanks, Woodo. Thanks, Woodhouse. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Amanda Mullins. Ooh, now that sounds familiar. Have we done that one or not? It does sound familiar, but you see, this is the problem.

This could just be… Yeah. This could just be… It's very unplanned. …repeat offender on the social media. Well, I've done my checks and I believe… We've established that the checks do nothing. I've got a better system in place, I'm pretty sure.

Now, I think, oh, is Amanda, I think, yeah, look, we've talked to her on the social medias. Yeah, you're right. That's not the one that's in Malaysia or wherever, is she? Well, it doesn't, has the unplanned title. Well, I've got a bit of information. Oh, okay. Here we go.

Breaking, late breaking news. Yes. She, I'm guessing I'm allowed to say this. Am I allowed to tell someone where, tell you where she works? Oh. Because this is a cool place to work at. Risky. We can do this.

I'll do this. I'll take the blame if anything happens. It's not really how it works, but okay. Isn't it? You can't, well, you can't get in trouble just for saying that they work at this place. It's a very popular place. It's a very well-known place. Have a crack.

Let's see how this goes. She works at Flight Centre. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. That's okay, isn't it? Used to work at Flight Centre. Used to work. Well.

After this. Yeah. I'd love to see that. You've been fired. What for? Your name got read out on a podcast? On a podcast. I mean, it is pretty horrific.

Associating that company with this. Yeah. I wouldn't blame them for giving you the ass. I'd love to get sponsored by them. Totally. Because you know what? They're totally a place you can go to and get your accommodation to the Ozo Chewing Samui Resort, I believe.

Oh, yes. Because, you know, resorts, I believe, they give out percentages of their rooms to, they sell some direct, they sell a few through third-party websites. Those third-party websites, I fucking love them. I love trawling through them. Yeah. But they also do packages and deals with places like Flight Centre.

So they could potentially have a couple of very sweetly priced Ozo Chewing rooms left. So Amanda, if you're listening, if you're listening to your little name get rid of, can you give us the information? Can you look on your little system and tell us whether that's the case, whether you've got some sweet deals on Ozo? So this is now, we're not only accepting money from companies direct for advertising, just the individuals, if they pay us through the Patreon,

we're now treating that as an ad for the whole company. Sure. Apparently. Apparently. Apparently. Apparently. Thanks, Mandy. Thanks, Mandy. And let us know what it's like to work there. And, you know, if it's bad, we won't say it.

But if it's good, we will say it. So if you don't hear us say anything about it, you'll know that means it's bad. But it seems cool. It seems cool. You get to go. You work in there and you get your little headset. Yeah, but here's the thing. Like if you work for like, you know, an airline, you get flights out of that.

But if you work at a travel – like what sort of – do you get free stuff? You get deals. You get deals. You got to get deals. Yeah. You know, we've dealt with some people that work for Flight Centre before and they've got some deals. And if you're a career person that wants to do that for the rest of your life,

they – you know, I think they sort sort of it's well within your best interest to travel and to know about all these places so you can talk to people about it so that's pretty cool that's sort of in your job description you've got to get out there and have holidays and and fuck around the world so it's sort of like the opposite of this where like to do comedy you have to have fucked things happen in your life to talk about yeah it's sort's sort of like that. You've got to go out and gather the material. Yeah. Except in the case of a travel agent, you want it to be good. Yeah. Whereas with us, it's like you're sticking your head down the gutter

and hoping that someone in there with a fucking razor blade starts you and then says something funny. It's me getting offered a lift to go somewhere and going, no, I'd better get on a tram in case someone pisses on me. Thanks, Amanda. Thanks, Amanda. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Laura Hunter. Laura Hunter?

Yeah. Hunter and gatherer. Yeah. Some people are out there. We're out there gathering the content. We're gathering Patreon money. She's out there hunting. She's, you know.

Well, she's hunting for extra content off us. That's why she's sliding a little bit of Patreon dollars our way. Oh, yeah. She wants that little bit extra. Laura. You know, we've gone from Amanda to Laura. I'm going to stick my neck out, put it on the record. Both.

Oh, God. Very, in my humble opinion, pretty names. Pretty names. In my head, it's associated with attractive people. Right. That's what I think. They are, yeah. When I think of Amanda or Laura, I don't think, whew, I think hubba hubba.

Right. Yeah. What if, I mean, you know, what if these women in real life happen to be just repulsive? You're on record now as saying that you think they're attractive. You could be. No, I'm saying they sound attractive. Well, making a fool of yourself is what I'm saying. Well, look, I'm happy to be proved wrong.

If either of you, Amanda or Laura, are absolute stinkers, let me know and I'll take all of this back. Great. Hit me up. We can do a corrections corner next week. It's come to our attention that two of our listeners are absolute bush pigs. Yes. Let us know if you are three out of tens. Please let me know and I'll correct this next week.

What is this? What is this? But I've got, hey, I'm on the record. I've got faith. I'm saying these people sound like they've done very well. Yeah. Done very well for themselves. Sure.

I think. I just think it's too risky to speculate either way. Well, I told you. I'm a risk taker. You're a wild man. You know what? I'm not this. Again, this is another difference.

I'm eating butter chicken at 10.30 at night. You're throwing out calls about people's attractiveness. Yeah, you're rolling the dice on your little tummy, but I'm rolling the dice on people's ratings out of 10. It's so hard to book guests for this podcast, and this bit is going for longer and longer every week. Why isn't this just the podcast now? It just would make things so much easier.

Yeah, but it would make so more people not listen. You know what? I'd love to know the percentage of people that listen to the show and don't listen to this bit. Yes. What do you reckon it is? Fools. 70?

I actually reckon more people probably listen now that it's at the back. Doesn't that seem insane that we persisted with having it at the front of the show? Yeah, what the fuck were we thinking? We haven't introduced this segment, obviously, Talking Dum Dum. Talking Dum Dum, yeah. That's what you were listening to at the moment? Yeah, I don't know. I would think a lot more now because people are, you know,

the people who listen to this stuff, it's about filling time. They just want stuff to listen to. Yeah. And, hey, say what you will about the quality of what's happening here. It's eaten filling time. They just want stuff to listen to. Yeah. And hey, say what you will about the quality of what's happening here. It's eaten through time. Yeah. If nothing else, it's using up part of your life. Guys, if you're not listening to this at the moment,

hit us up and let us know. So. Great. Thanks, Laura. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Joshua Monaghan or Monaghan. I'm not sure. Monaghan, Monaghan, Monaghan, what a mighty, mighty good man. I don't even know what that is.

You know that song? Oh, right, right. What a man. So I sang something. You didn't know what it was and then I said, you know that song. And you went, oh, okay. Yeah, but it clicked. Because I don't think you carried the tune quite correctly at the start of it.

No, no. At the end of it, it clicked. I'm not a good singer. Okay, right. So, yeah, now I get it. No, no. At the end of it, it clicked in a moment. I'm not a good singer. Okay, right.

So, yeah, now I get it. Joshua. In my opinion, down the scales a little bit, Joshua, not as good. Not as good of a name or less attractive? Both. Both? Don't rate it, unfortunately. So, you're not attracted to Joshua.

No. That's interesting. He'd have to be pretty cool for me to be attracted to him, I think, at the moment. You don't even think he's cool? Well. Fucking hell. Do you think Joshua is a cool name?

Well. To start with, if you're going to try and be cool, you whack the ooh-ah off. True. You go with Josh. Yeah, true. Joshua sounds like some three-year-old in overalls. But maybe he's so cool that he's like, I don't give a fuck, man.

I'm going to disadvantage myself. You know when like real cool-looking hipster guys will just go, I'm Thomas or I'm Tim. Like they just use the full thing because they're like, the rest of me gets it over the line. Maybe he's doing a bit of that. Probably not. Someone really sexy just calls themselves Dogshit McGee and goes,

I'll get away with it. That's pretty cool. Imagine a supermod calls themselves Dogshit McGee and goes, I'll get away with it. That's pretty cool. Yeah. Imagine a supermodel called Dogshit McGee. Oh, totally. But that's the thing. That's great. If you see someone who's just an absolute stunner and they go,

yeah, my name's Doris, you go, pretty sexy name actually now that I think about it. Now I want to fuck grandma. Yeah. What if you saw, did they see a porn star or a stripper called Doris? That'd be good. Yeah. I'm sure there is.

Bring Doris back. Bring Doris back. I'm sure it's coming back. Yeah. Everything, you know, everything old is new again. It's going to take a while for that one to get back,

but you know, the right face, the right person will bring it back. But thanks Joshua. Thanks Josh. Unfortunate, but still, I hope you're okay.

Yeah. I think you seem like a good guy. Yeah. I didn't say he's not bad. You're doing right by me. Yeah. I think you're the coolest person I've ever heard of. Didn't say he's a bad guy.

I'm just saying. I think he's probably doing a kickflip right now. Being disadvantaged, that's all I'm saying. Could do with a little bit of help. Maybe change your name to Laura or Amanda. That's my tip. Amanda Monaghan. Yeah. What's's my tip. Amanda Monaghan. Yeah.

What's wrong with that? Amanda Monaghan. Just runs into each other. Amanda Monaghan. Amanda Monaghan. Amanda Monaghan. It's like manna manna.

Amanda Monaghan. Amanda Monaghan. Amanda Monaghan. Fuck that cunt. That's a new theme song sorted. Good. Now what was that song? Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- you can get your little butter chicken. Okay, great. All right, let's go. Oh, God, this is a bit problematic. But anyway, let's see. Let's go through this one. A bit problematic. I refuse to do anything unless it's massively problematic.

Well, look, that's just my call on this one. This might be massively problematic for you. Okay, all right. Okay, well, look, familiar surname. I'll say that. You know, like we said about… Jones, Smith. Well, like we said Jones Smith Well like we said

About Amanda Mullins When we said That seems familiar So maybe this person Has been on the socials Oh okay right Hit us up At least the surname

Seems familiar Yeah yeah Something like that First name Familiar I guess Yes again Right

I've heard it A long time ago But anyway Alright Thank you to Patreon subscriber Adelaide Comedy. Okay.

Yeah. Right. Now, when you say problematic, in what way – I don't know the story. Well, the problem is that they're saying here in the liner notes that they're only – The liner notes? Yeah, yeah. This is a record. Yeah.

They're only paying this money right at the last second. As soon as we read the name out, then the money goes through. So the money's clearing as we're speaking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I actually got this name ages ago for weeks and weeks on end on the unplanned title, Alternator. But they still, the money hadn't cleared. They wouldn't put it in advance.

But they got there in the end. Yeah, yeah. But I'm glad that you're able to say their name out loud. The money just cleared, I think, five minutes ago, just before I read this out. Right, okay. Yeah, so it's a bit weird. And how much money was that again?

$69. Excellent, great. But again, none of this is problematic. I thought you were going to say like Harvey Weinstein comedy or something like that. No, well, I've been – it's problematic for me because I've been holding off on this name for so long. Oh, you're triggered by it.

It keeps coming up. It's in the account. It keeps coming up on the unplanned title alternator and even on the random name generator back in the old days when we used to use that software. It crossed over. Yeah. Wow. And we've just had it and had it and had it and I've just kept holding off

on reading it out because the check hadn't cleared. Yeah. So I'm glad that I finally – We're in the clear. Yeah. That's great. Fucking hell. It's a real pain in the ass. Yeah glad that I finally. We're in the clear. Yeah. That's great. Fucking hell. It's a real pain in the ass.

Yeah. But hey, it got there in the end. You know, that's all that matters. Yeah. It was, there was not many dollars there in the account there for a long time. And all of a sudden, it all turned up at once. Living it up with ethnic food being delivered to one of our houses. Yep.

It's your house. You go into bed without dinner like a naughty little boy. Yeah. I don't mind it. You know what? I don't mind going a bit hungry. It's fine. Yeah.

I just have a thing in my head of you've got to eat your square meals. Even if I'm busy or whatever it's like, there's part of me where I go, you've got to eat something. Nah, I'm going to go home and have a drink of water. I'm going to go to bed and that's it. Fucking lardy. Yeah, not bad. Someone's doing all right.

On prison rations right there. Yeah. No, but it's fine, you know. Drinking water is good for you. It's a meal. Skipping meals is not good for you, but anyway. It's not good for your metabolism. Right, okay.

In the long run, it's not good for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I can, you know, I can skip a meal. It's fine. It's all right. I metabolism. Right. In the long run, it's not good for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I can skip a meal. It's fine. It's all right. I'm all right. I'm not doing it because I'm trying to lose weight or anything. I'm just doing it-

Are you really trying to convince here? Oh, yeah. I'm trying to convince myself. You know what I'm more worried about? The other day, I did a very stupid thing. Here we go. I got up in the middle. You know those moments when you're in bed and you wake up in the middle of the night

and you're really thirsty and you're sitting there trying to trick yourself into thinking, no, no, you're just going to go to sleep. So don't worry about getting a drink. It's 10 past 10. Please stretch this story about you to the far support as long as you can. Spare no detail. Just listen. Let's get two mates in here and make this a new episode.

Just listen. So do you ever do this when you're in bed and it's the middle of the night and you start fantasizing about what drink you're going to have because you're so thirsty? Do you ever do that? I never wake up thirsty but I do have a similar thing where if I need to go to the toilet and I just do not want to get out of bed. Right, right.

And it's like what ways are like how okay would I be with just pissing in the bed? Yep. It's just me here right now. Yep. I can just deal with it in the bed? Yep. It's just me here right now. Yep. I can just deal with it in the morning. Yep. No one ever needs to know.

Right. Well, I have the thing where I think, I start thinking, I'm so thirsty, I start thinking, you know, oh. I drink Tommy's piss right now. No, I haven't had that one. You're in the bunk above me. You must have heard me rolling around. I'd be better off if I was the bunk below you if that was going to happen.

But yeah, just knock, knock, knock. Tommy, can you help me out? So, I'm sitting in bed thinking. Just grab the sheet and wring it out. Yeah. I'm sitting thinking, oh, imagine having a glass of water. Then I start going, oh, imagine having a cordial. Then I'm like, oh, imagine if there was like soft drink in the fridge.

Imagine if there was, you know, getting a milk. And I start thinking, maybe I'm going to get up and have like four drinks. How good is this going to be? And I will say having been to your house, of everyone I know, I think you may have the closest distance between bedroom and kitchen. Oh, really? Anyone I know in any house. Really? It's a stone's throw away.

It's not that close. It's close enough I guess. It's close. Okay. All right. What about those people that live in one bedroom? Like those studio apartments where everything's in the same room? What's me to get up to go to the toilet?

I go through three rooms. Yeah. Two other doors and a curtain. You going from your room to the Dunny looks like you're in the opening credits of Get Smart. Yeah. Totally. Yeah. Yeah.

There's a lot of things slamming on your nose at the end. I might as well just drive to my mum and dad's house. Yeah. There's a toilet there. Yeah, totally. Yeah. There's a lot of things slamming on your nose at the end. I might as well just drive to my mum and dad's house and use the toilet there. Yeah. So getting to the point of this is I got up in the middle of the night the other night, went out, made myself a strawberry quick drink. That is – Bad mistake. What's the time we're talking?

3 a.m. 3 a.m. Bad mistake. I couldn't – so you'll go to bed without dinner. Yeah. But you'll get up in the middle of the night to talking? 3 a.m. 3 a.m. Bad mistake. So you'll go to bed without dinner. Yeah. But you'll get up in the middle of the night to have a strawberry milk. Yeah. Hey.

Fuck. I'm a complicated man. Yes. I'm well aware. Get me up the rest of the night. No shit. Drink all that sugar. I have a memory of staying at my grandparents' house when I was a little,

little kid and not being able to sleep. And my grandpa sitting up with me and going, hey, you can't you can't sleep oh well let's sit here and have a chat I'll get us a glass of Fanta all right anyway let's let's try going to sleep again okay roll over and go to sleep I still can't sleep granddad oh well that's no good let's have a bit more of a chat I'll tell you what I'll get us another glass of Fanta oh me literally being up all night and me and me and grandpa telling the story to dad the next day, yeah, we just couldn't sleep, just up all night. And then, you know, we're getting Fanta, we're having it, and dad's like, no shit, neither of you.

This is like a fucking 70-year-old man at this point had not put together that he's just funneling sugar into this child. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good stuff. That's great. Fuck. Fanta, also my favourite soft drink to drink only in Thailand. I haven't had a Fanta in a long time.

Man, get into it. Maybe I'll save myself up and have one in Thailand. Koh Samui, get it. It's very complimentary, I feel. I don't know why. I just really get into Fanta when I'm over there. They're free over there. Well, they're 20 baht.

You know, that's nearly free. Yeah, sure. Yeah. All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening. Thank you for supporting us on Patreon. Come see us at a live show, all that stuff coming up, littledumbdumbclub.com.

Interact with us on the socials. We love hearing from you guys. Once again, a reminder for haremop.com.au. Thank you for listening and we'll see you next time on Talking Dumb Dumb. And on the normal thing as well. Sure. Yeah. But we've done that sign-off already.

Oh, fuck. All right. Sorry. My bad. See you, mate. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. It's not optional.

You have to do it. We used to go easy on it, but now you have to. Yeah. Yeah.