The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 386 - Brett Blake & David Quirk

Episode Date: February 28, 2018

It's the long overdue return of DAVID QUIRK and our newest best buddy BRETT BLAKE! Blakey sheds some light on how we managed to miss out on being cast in a Maxibon commercial, Karl's been recognised at Singapore airport, we have an announcement about the Koh Samui Podcast Festival PLUS we dive into the very final chapter of the Karl's wedding saga with Quirk! Don't forget, we have a bunch of huge live shows coming up:BRISBANE: We're coming back for an afternoon of huge live podcasts! MARCH 10.ADELAIDE: God help us, we're coming back. Don't make us regret it. MARCH 17MELBOURNE: We've got a month of awesome live shows happening for the month of APRIL. KOH SAMUI: The Koh Samui International Podcast Festival is happening again in 2018 with guests The Dollop! JUNE 13 - 18. For tickets, merchandise, links to our Patreon and heaps of other stuff, head to our website: littledumdumclub.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. Today on the Little Dum Dum Club we have great guests Brett Blake and David Quirk, but before we do that we need to let you know that it is getting very close to us doing our little trip around the country. Yeah, we are very, very close to being in Brisbane and we've nearly sold out. Get onto it right now if you want to get a ticket to Brisbane. It is on March, Saturday, March 10.

So please get onto the website. We are just about to sell out and we are just about there. Yeah. And then we're off in the very next week to you take it from here. Okay. Adelaide. We are going to be there Saturday, March the 17th. Same as Brisbane.

Big double episode. Heaps of special guests in town that are going to be on the show. If you've been to one of these in the past, you'll know that it is super great fun, so get on that. Yep. Then we have a month of shows in Melbourne, Sundays in April at the European. April 1, April 8, April 15, April 22.

Of course, we do the four. You can get on our website and get a season pass where you get a cheaper deal to see all four of them and then that will guarantee you entry to the drunk cast on the last show night all our shows are at 3pm as you'll find if you go to the website and then we've got the drunk cast

on the 22nd of April at 11pm that night on a Sunday night which is always heaps of fun we are also doing solo shows mine is called Leisure Suit Tommy April at 11pm that night on a Sunday night, which is always heaps of fun. We are also doing solo shows. Mine is called Leisure Suit Tommy. It's from March 28 until April the 8th, so come check that out. Really happy with it so far.

It's going to be great. Yeah, and mine is called Carl Chandler's Shit List, so get along to that. It is, I'm starting after Tommy's show, so we're not, you can't see them both at the same night, but I am April 8th to the 22nd at the European Beer Cafe, including, if you want to see it back-to-back with one of the live podcasts on the Sunday, if you can see that at 3 o'clock, and then go straight on to see my one at 4.30 in the same venue, which is very convenient. So, yes, also, Koh Samui is coming up, the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival.

It's us and the dollop for five days, June 13 to June 18. If you would like more information about that or any of the stuff we've done, including links to our Patreon where you can support the show, all of this stuff is at littledumbdumbclub.com. We're going to be doing a bit of our Patreon read and a bit more of an extended ad at the end of the show. But for now, enjoy this new episode with David Quirk and Brett Blake. Hey, mates.

Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. And with me as always, the other half of the show, Carl Chandler. G'day, dear kids. What have you got for us? You're in a delightful looking Mr Crab t-shirt. I am, yeah.

You've got it in Thailand? I did come from Thailand a couple of weeks ago and I got my little Mr Crab merchandise. How's it feeling? I imagine a shirt purchased from a restaurant in Thailand would be very itchy constantly. No, no, no. It's actually a bit too thick. It's surprisingly thick for that climate. And what it is is

it's exactly, I'm sure, have I talked about this? It's exactly the shirt that they wear at the restaurant Mr. Crab in Koh Samui. So you go into a little room and you buy their merchandise and all it is is you literally look like someone who is on $2 a day working in their kitchen. So you've literally gotten the shirt

off the waiter's back. Well, not quite but you get it in, they've got this little room that's like a merch room. It's like, do you really need a merch room in a tiny restaurant? Yeah, that's how they get you. You gotta leave through it, don't you? It's bigger than the fucking kitchen. Why should there be a room full of t-shirts?

And it's like, it's literally, if someone comes in late and has forgotten their staff shirt, they just walk in and grab the shirt out of the merch room. Yeah, it is weird. It's like, it's a weird aspirational thing of like, hey, here we are waiting on you hand and foot. Yeah. It'd be pretty cool if you looked like this, wouldn't it? Yeah, exactly. You don't go into McDonald's and go, fuck, I wouldn't mind one of those pinstripe things

and a name badge. That'd be pretty sweet. Well, I did, I did used to want that when I was a kid. I wanted a Maccas uniform to wear. This is when I was in high school. I thought that'd be the coolest thing, turning up to a house party just like I work at BP. Ironically cool, you mean, obviously.

Yeah. Yeah, right. Yeah. No, legitimately cool. Well, I didn't know which age because, man, if you're six, you could be like, yeah, I want to look like I work at McDonald's. Oh, no, it's like 17. Right, okay. I genuinely thought that would be cool. Yeah, yeah, man, if you're six, you could be like, I want to look like I work at McDonald's. Oh, no, it's like 17.

Right, okay. I genuinely thought that would be cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's funny. Two great guests on the show today. What can you say about these gentlemen? They're friends of ours. They were both available on the one day of the week that we were free to do this.

They're real classic last-minute guests. If I can say anything about these guys, it's that they don't need much warning because they've got not much else going on. Well, first of all, we were just talking off air. It's been about two years since he's been on a regular one of these. Please welcome back into the little dum-dum club, David Quirk. David Quirk.

Wow. Back into the fold. Thank you. It just shows what we think of you by not asking you for two years and how much go-ahead attitude you've got by not asking us in the last two years. I know. I had people in Edinburgh last year come up to my show

because of this ridiculous podcast and even that wasn't enough to make me call you guys up to go, that works. I make money off them in very small... I think five pounds that person paid. From Edinburgh. Can I do one of these over Skype? I need to get the numbers up. Yeah, yeah, do it.

Also joining us, great friend of the show, it's Brett Blake. Yay! We're the new generation of favourite guests of ours. Well, you've got to go by my new breed. You're Nick Capper. Yeah, with the new dogs in town. But you've got to go by my new name, which of course is Max Biscay. Uh-huh. Oh, right.

Yes. Now, we talked about you recently on the show without naming you because I think we felt like we maybe were not allowed to. We didn't have the rights? Well, they paid me, so shit on them now. So, right. Okay. So, we talked a few weeks ago on the show about how the two of us

went in and auditioned for a Maxi Bon ad and we later found out that we were basically being used to leverage you into doing the ad because you were going to have to shave your beard off and you were saying you wouldn't do it if you had to shave your beard. Yeah, they were like, we'll give you this amount of money for shaving your beard off. I was like, man, my beard's very important to me. But it was funny when they rang me and then hearing your...

My beard is very important to me. Is that true? I've not heard this, that your beard would take about 10 minutes to grow. It's basically... No, not now. It was really being a meanie before... You went through with it? You actually did show it?

Yeah, and I was like, I didn't need the money. Your beard is like a noxious weed that just grows by itself. It's not like a great... It's not like a fucking bed of roses. I just need it. You know what I mean? My cap is BO. I just need it.

You know what I mean? It's part of me, you know? Just the image of you at a sink, like, shaving while Hello Darkness, my old friend, is playing in the background I got really emotional when I was cutting it off And then I had this dirty big handlebar Is that like Kappa when he's putting roll on on Farewell old friend

He gets emotional So basically yeah What happened was I think yeah so they wanted you to do it They wanted you to shave the beard off I believe the impression I got was you were saying no So they get us in To spook you into saying well this is like remember when the simpsons actors went on strike and so fox went fine we'll get other people to audition for the voices then yeah but their idea of spooking me was so funny because you rang me about the joke because

essentially i was sitting on the shitter and i took a business call from the company again that's where i get all my business done, double business. And well, triple if you include the mullet. And I was sitting on the toilet and the lady goes, oh, look, you've got the commercial again. If you want to do it, it's yours. I was like, yeah, not a problem. And then the director came on the phone.

He goes, look, you've got it, but we've just got to audition a couple of other idiots just to keep the people at the ice cream company happy. And I was like, hilarious, hilarious, and hung up the phone. Two minutes later, Carl Chandler rings up. Hey, how much did they pay you for this Maxi Bond ad? I was like, don't even worry, can't I? I've already got it. Yeah, because you did it like a year ago or so.

This was like the second time you've gotten into bed with the Maxi Bond Corporation. This was round two. But yeah, then they said, you've got the job. And they made me do that. They said, you've got to come in because there's a new guy at the ice cream company you've got the job but you just got to do the like de niro's line did you have to do that as well we talked about this on the show yeah they didn't have a script for us they got us to read a monologue

from meet the parents yeah yeah i was like have a crack at one of the world's best actors dialogue you're like yeah all right i'll have a go with this yeah because it is an ice cream ad so why not why not get a bit of Laurence Olivier in there as well? But then the first time I auditioned for that, because they didn't send me the script, right, and they said, don't worry, you can just read off this. When I rocked up, they go, just read off this piece of paper. And I was like, mate, I'm fucking dyslexic.

And one of my biggest fears is reading out loud in front of people. Were we behind this? Were we running this audition? I was like, there's a scent of Carl Chandler in this room somewhere. And yeah, they go, read this. I was like, no, I'm not doing it. Did you admit you were dyslexic? Pardon?

Did you admit then you were dyslexic? Yeah. You just said, this is the trouble. I said, look, there was like four people in this ad agency. I was like, look, I'm dyslexic. Imagine if he didn't admit. He's like, oh, I'm not interested in reading. No, it just sounded like you started your own talk show

in the middle of that conversation Brett would you admit that you're dyslexic I'm listening to everything you fucking David I have and I've been rinsed

by these boys a number of times yeah just the fact that you said admit makes it sound like there's a deep shame to it no no no

I'm picturing the whole scenario he's there they've said can you read you read from this piece of paper which is a question I'd be fine with right I imagine most but he's saying that's an issue so I'm picturing the whole scenario. He's there. They've said, can you read? You read from this piece of paper, which is a question I'd be fine with, right? I imagine most.

But he's saying, that's an issue. So I'm like, yeah, you've got to either, if you don't admit that you're dyslexic, you're fucked in that situation. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Good night. Great mate and friend of the show.

Are you dyslexic? Because it takes you ages to get through stuff. Emotionally, it means the opposite. Are you physically dyslexic as well? No, not physically. It's called disabled. All right. Love you,

Quirk. Quirk, what ice creams have you advertised recently? None. I probably was asked to do that. I didn't do it. Probably. It was like a month ago.

It was a year ago. Is there an ice cream marketed to homeless people? I'm not sure. I'm not sure. Jesus Christ. Oh, it's skating, isn't it?

Skating. Quirk is cool. Is there some sort of scarecrow-shaped ice cream out there that Quirky could do an ad for or something? I'm not even homeless. That's how out of touch we all are with each other. I have a house. Well, it's been two years.

I think the last time we had you, you were sleeping in a garage. Yeah, people still come up to me about that, which is good. You're no longer sleeping where a car used to rest. You're in a grown-up's house with a roof and everything. Now he sleeps on the roof of a dog house like Snoopy. Oh, right. Do you know, I did try to measure... Good grief, David.

You did try to move to a dog house? What? No, I did try to measure a pool the other day and got that wrong. Oh, right. It's another callback to an old episode. You've done some really fucked stuff on this show. For how little?

Can you have me on more often and I'll see what I can do. Please. See what can come up. Anyway, sorry. You're dyslexic. So they asked me to read out the thing. Good mate of the show, Oliver Clark said, he goes,

mate, the thing about acting is if you act like you don't give a fuck and don't want to be there, you're more likely to get the job. And I had that in the back of my mind. I was like, man, I can't read and I'm not reading out loud. And they're like, well, how are you going to do this? I was like, I don't know. And they're like, can you just do – I was like, just tell me something I have to do.

They go, oh, one of the scenes you have to do a fake orgasm. And I was like, all right, the thing from Harry Met Sally. I was like, oh, yeah, when she goes hell for leather. I was like, yep, all right, I'll do that. And then I just gave them the most – I'd love to see this ice cream ad, by the way. Oh, yeah, and it's up and I'm doing an orgasm on it. Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The first one I'm doing – Am on it. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The first one I'm doing this big... A ladies orgasm. I'm in a wig and I'm doing a ladies orgasm. Yeah, I'm doing a ladies orgasm. Oh, right. Clever. You know?

Yeah, I'm good at faking orgasms. I've heard a few in my life. So you're doing the Harry Met Sally thing and you're dyslexic. So it's just you there going, oh, bav what? She's baving. All right, that one hurt. Anyway, no, no, dry eyes, mate. You'll be all right.

Well, congratulations on winning the role in front of us who were never in the race. It's like we were at the starting line in the barriers as a horse and they just never opened the barriers. So you did win that race. But I was just imagining the things they were asking me to do. Every time I was doing them, I was just imagining Carl Chandler in the job. Like, just jump through this door.

You're like, absolutely not. I'm not fucking doing that. I'm not fucking doing that. Someone else open the fucking door for me. I'm not fucking doing that. You know what? The only reason I went to the audition is because Tommy was locked into it. I was like, I don't go to – people ring me for auditions.

I'm like, nah, I'm not going. I don't go to them. I'm over them. I don't want to go to them anymore. Man, I had to go to an audition where they wanted to see if I could I just had to stoke a fire like stoke an imaginary fire and I was like what do you mean

and I went in there and then I sat down and with a fake stick just did that just started poking the fake stick into the ground and gone and they go yep that's it I was like what do you mean that was fucking three hours of my life that's amazing

there was a massive cattle call I remember Kappa showed up for it this one where it was for a sprite I was like what do you mean that was fucking three hours of my life that's amazing wow there was a massive cattle call I remember Kappa showed up for it this one where it was for a Sprite did anyone remember

that where the Sprite guy had to dive into the ocean does this ring any bells Tony-O no but the audition you was the only way

to get Kappa to have a bath yeah that's a long winded way to get Kappa hang on it was like you and Kappa

get called in for an audition this was for the big issue obviously was it or that's how they're doing now Way to get Capa Hang on It was like You and Capa Get called in for an audition This was for the big issue Obviously That's how they're doing now Just auditioning people Quirk looks genuinely upset By that one It's just they're

Insults I didn't expect to get That's the funny thing Well thank you No but this Brett I'm not predictable Thank you very much Check this out

You're good You're very cutting edge And you keep me on my toes I love that about you. This thing, it was a featureless room and the person's in there auditioning you and the camera. It was a table, if I remember, and a cup that was meant to represent a can of Sprite. And they said, okay, what you do, you're a lifesaver, you're on the beach, you hear a distress call, like someone's in trouble in a social setting,

like some ridiculous sort of thing and you have to save the day so what you do in the ad it'd be the guy jumping into the ocean swimming right and then he comes up through the table or through the can of sprite on the table and sort of saves the day that's if you can visualize that ridiculous ad and so i'm like okay i can wrap my head around that how that how they do that tricks cameras whatever good stuff they go okay so, so just now we'll roll. You just have to dive into the ocean and swim and pop up through the can. And I look around.

There's carpet and a table. And it blew your brain. You're like, there's no water here. And it was so demoralising. I started changing my strokes and stuff, just on the ground. I got carpet burn. I think people realise how much...

It was... I'm getting angry just thinking about it. I had one that was worse than that. I had one where it was a previous... Another ice cream ad and I was part of a dad's... Fuck, being typecast. I know, dad's help group. But they sent me the wrong script and I said...

Get a load of bubble-o-bread over here. Buff-looking bubble-o-bread. They want a buff-looking guy. here. Buff looking Pablo Brett. They want a buff looking guy, young. I was like, all right, fuck, I don't think I'm that good with my shirt off. I was like, fuck, maybe if I lost five kilos or something. And they're like, no, no, no, no, no, we haven't sent you the right one.

You're playing the 40-year-old guy with the dad bod. And then there was six good looking dudes with six packs and I just had to get my sloppy rig out next to them and then had to pretend to eat a bowl of ice cream. It was like a men's help group. I'm like, oh, I love my kids but I just can't say no and I had to fake cry in front of them. I was like, fuck, I hate my life.

I think I've told this before but not for a long time because Quirk, you pretending to swim on the carpet because they always film these things as well and then you're so demoralised and you walk away going for that footage. Some can't has this footage that they can just access whenever they want. Some Christmas party. Yeah.

I did one where I had to pretend to be a gorilla. So I do that for a bit. And then she goes, cool, now tell me about your weekend. And I go, oh, okay. Well, on Saturday I went to a party and she stops me. She goes, nah, gorillas can't talk. She wanted me to like act out what I did for my weekend while I'm running around going, oh, oh, oh, and the whole time I'm just focused

on the little red light on the camera going, fucking hell, if anything ever happened and this came out, I will kill myself. I made sure to say that in the audition so that they're culpable for my eventual death. I don't know what. Hang on. You got a banana and you aimed it at your head. You know that thing that people get scared about webcams on their computer just in case they're jacking off?

I'm like, mate, there's way worse footage of me doing auditions out there than jerking off is my least thing. Yeah. Yeah, there's worse footage. Also, if you're worried about that, that's just such a telltale sign. You see someone with a laptop with a bit of sticky tape over the top and you go, all right, mate, well, now I know what you're using your laptop for. You know what?

I always used to think those people were stupid and then something turned in my brain about a year ago where I'm one of them now and I don't even care. I don't even care. People see the sticky tape over the camera, fine. The old tinfoil hat. Yeah. Wow.

Who's hacking through your laptop to see you pulling your foot? I know, well aware, well aware of all of it, but once that light turns on in your brain, you can't turn it off. You just can't. That's the only way I can calm. Staring directly into the camera. I actually can't orgasm unless that light's on and I think that someone is, some Russian bot is watching me.

Russian bot? Yeah. Not even a real person, just a bot is watching me. A bot bot. Unless I'm Google's watching. So you're talking about. So I've got my Thailand shirt on. A little bit of an update. We talked about this over the last couple of weeks leading up to the Marabar Live episode the other month. I nipped over to Thailand for a week and did a bit of scouting.

A little bit of scouting for the upcoming Koh Samui International Podcast Festival in June. Scouting venues? Scouting bars. Scouting bars. Scouting talent. I don't know if I've talked to you about this, David. No. Plenty of people on the show have heard about this,

but we had the grand idea of purchasing a bar in Thailand in time for our festival there. My eyebrows just went up. I thought that was pretty impressive information. Well, Brett, the last time you were on was when we started talking about this in Perth. We'd just been alerted to the ad of someone on Gumtree selling a bar for, Brett, the last time you were on was when we started talking about this in Perth. We'd just been alerted to the ad of someone on Gumtree selling a bar for like, what,

40k? Yeah, something like that. And we sort of started to go, yeah, what if we own a bar in Thailand? So I spent way too long on the internet. Obviously, I put a bit of sticky tape over the little light first. I didn't want anyone to see who was buying the Thailand bar.

Or see your face. See your face while you're browsing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you want people to see your face while you're balls deep and watching another webcam? Yeah. No, totally. So I went over there.

I did a lot of, well, let's say it's research. More likely it was literally just me going to bars and getting really drunk and then sidling up to the owners and going, so how much do you reckon you'd sell this for? You had to fill out the immigration card that says business or pleasure and your fucking head exploded. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Which one? My jib's up. Yeah. So what happened was, right, on the way over, and like I've said this before, but I didn't tell anyone. I didn't tell you, Tommy. I was going over. It was sort of just a little bit of a late decision.

I was like, this would be funny if I just rock up in Thailand and I get on social media and go, look at me, guys. Look where I am. Yeah, and I worked it out. And you know how I worked it out? I think you thought someone told me. I messaged you about something and I saw that you hadn't been active on Facebook Messenger for three hours. And I went, well, this never happens unless he's on a plane

to Thailand. I know exactly. Once it hit more than two, I'm like, well, it's not a movie. No, no, no. I actually didn't think anyone told you. I was like, I know I'm offline for eight hours and you've gone and you've sent me a bunch of very offensive messages and I haven't taken the bait. We were, no, we were trying to organise something and I was like,

when can we do this? And I just hadn't heard back. I'm like, fucking hell, can't we need to work this stuff out? Speaking of bots, you should have worked out some kind of like, have the thing back here, the bird drinking the water, like it's just hitting the key, the thumb's active. Have Crunchy sitting on the keyboard. Have a bit of keyboard cat.

The most active man on Facebook Messenger. That green light is never on. And then it'd just be 3am and you get a message from Carl, and it just says, fuck up, cunt. You're like, oh. You have work in the morning. He had a crack at me the other night. It wasn't a crack.

But he goes, you're at Spleen tomorrow night. Why are you at the local or something? I was like, man, you haven't booked me. And I was like, I asked for this gig a month ago, and you wrote fuck up. You're like, yeah, that's a yes, dickhead. I was like, but you also tell me to month ago and you wrote fuck up. Yeah, that's a yes dickhead. But you also tell me to fuck up and I don't get the, I'm confused.

I had the exact same thing where I said, you never actually said yes and my response was oh sorry your majesty. There have been times when Carl's online he writes me where I've actually been lulled into this insecure place of going I'm Carl's favourite in the Melbourne comedy scene. He's always writing to me where I've actually been lulled into this insecure place of going I'm Carl's favourite in the Melbourne comedy scene.

He's always writing to me. He doesn't do this. I know 17 other windows and about 400 people copying another fuck up, Carl. Messenger is sending him an email going, we've never had to do this before but you actually can't have any more windows open at once.

So, back to the original story, which is... Am I your favourite? Yeah. No, you're in the... Top something. Double figures, definitely. You're in the top 12. I love it.

Yeah. I'll get my MySpace account back up and I'll put you in my top 12. Cheers. So, I went over there. In that little break where you got... Sorry, it's been a while since I've been on do your listeners know

that you have an interest in Thailand it hasn't been that long David yes he's back sorry listeners yeah

so in that little eight hour gap as I'm on the on the plane to Changi airport I you fretted about me

and and mismarpled it up and figured out where I was put out the all points APB very short me and mismarpled it up and figured out where I was. Put out the old points of APB. Very short episode of mismarple this week.

Who dumb cunted it? So I get there and, you know, you've got a couple of hours stopover and whatever, I do a bit of business. Then I go to the gate for Koh Samui. And I get there. You've lost your keys? No, noui. And I get there. You've lost your case. No, no, no. I'm home. I get to the gate and as I get there, this girl turns around and goes,

hello, Carl. I'm like, what? And she goes, hey, Carl. And I'm like, have we met before? And she goes, no, I just listened to the podcast. I'm like, oh, wow, I'm getting recognised in Singapore. This is awesome. But then I look around and go, oh, my God,

this is such a great spot for you as a listener of the show. She didn't know I was going to walk up, but she spotted me walking onto a plane going to Koh Samui. And she was going on the plane as well. She was actually, and I'm like, oh, wow, this is such a weird coincidence. And she's like, yeah, this is very strange. But then, so she's the only one that's listening to me. So you're like a spiritual leader.

Well, she's the only one that's listened to the podcast in her group. She's going over there for the first time. She's got three or four female friends with her. So then she's going, oh, cool. I'd love to go to the Dum Dum Club. Oh, awesome. Nice one. This is a long-winded excuse you gave Diane, was it?

No, no, no, no, no. They are female. No, yes. They're not just friends, are they? No. They're female friends. Yes. Yeah, yeah.

Let's get that straight. No, but because they're then looking at me going, what the fuck's going on? Like saying to the girl, what's this? Because I then get very excited going, oh, you're going to Costa Mili as well? I get rock hard. This is like Animal House. I'm like, you're going to Costa Mili as well? Are you going there. This is like Animal House. I'm like, you're going to Koh Samui as well? Are you going there for the first time?

She's like, yeah. So then I bunker down and go, right, here's my half hour of things you must do in Koh Samui. Here's the top 20 things. Hey, gals, get over here. This 41-year-old's telling us all the cool bars to go to. Exactly. So then I bunker down.

There's a disco after seven, but I'm normally in bed by then. Exactly. So I bunker down and give her the after seven. Yeah. But I'm normally in bed by then. Exactly. I bunker down and give her the time out hottest hits of Koh Samui. And these other girls who are like 20 are just going, why are we sitting here having to listen to this? Oh, they're not dumb dumb feet. No, not at all. It's old freaky.

Yeah, that's great. That's really good. And so they're listening for about 10, 15 minutes. And then I. Like shitty David Attenborough over here. Yeah. Like, go on, we get it. So then I sort of have to break and go, oh, this doesn't make any sense to you.

I have to explain it. So then I'm saying to these three 20-year-old girls, I do a podcast and that's why I'm worth listening to. They're like, oh, okay, all right, fucking hell. We need to hear from this young lady whether she ended up going to any of your tips and, hey, maybe those friends were converted. Exactly. No, I would love to hear from her because she was very nice about it

and the girls she was with were very patient. Yeah. Because then, oh, fuck, I then got a phone. You're trying to sit next to them on the plane. No. Peeled over the scrapbook of Thailand. No, but that was it. This is 87.

About 20 minutes. Licks his finger. Did you tell them about your favourite webcams? It may have came up. So 20 minutes into it I've sort of gone, oh. 20 minutes this exchange? I've got a lot of advice to give out. I've got a lot of

wisdom to impart to the younger generation. Get a PowerPoint out as well to start flicking through photos. Fuck the stickers. Fuck the toilet graffiti. You just need to like live at Singapore airport. Wait for people who are getting on the plane to Samui. Give them recommendations

and go, by the way, if you want to show your appreciation, check out this podcast. Have you finished? No, I asked because

would you honestly in some small way if like this didn't work out all this comedy podcasting like be like Is this working out? I think it is. Be like a

tour guide. No, specifically tourism sort of guy. Tour guide. No, specifically work for the tourist industry. Carl, answer this question that is missing about eight words. I forgot all my words there.

Travel guide. You know. In return, can I ask a question? What the fuck did you just say? I don't know. Can we edit that out? Let's take another call. No, I understand. I slightly sort of understand what you mean. Would you like to be in the tourism industry? No, no.

I would much rather just be there and do a job on that island. Like I've thought about it. I've thought about it recently where I'm like, well, you get to it's a place where people do retire to. So would I retire there in 20 years? Yeah, well, not quite yet. Maybe 45. Would I retire next week there?

Yeah. Give it a couple of years until the rest of this. If the Patreon money goes up enough. Yes. Yeah. We can totally. That's my cheeky way of. I can live there And you can fly over

Every two weeks or something Yeah not bad And I can spend those two weeks Finding cool new tourist girls That we can come and do an episode with Oh god I want no part of this What were you saying Brett?

Oh yeah That's my cheeky way of finding out Like what a cheap flight deal I was like Because I want to come And I was like Oh man I found Found tickets for

1,100 And it just makes Carl's brain explode He'd be like No And you just know For the next 10 minutes I want to come. And I was like, oh, man, I found tickets for 1,100. And it just makes Carl's brain explode. He'd be like, no. And you just know for the next 10 minutes he's on a website. You've got to put $786 on Expedia. I'm like, thanks, buddy. Oh, yeah.

Anyone who's coming to Samui, if you want to deeply anger the great man, get ordered drinks at the hotel. Get imported stuff. Just go out of your way to get the most expensive stuff. Still only $5. But just if you really want to see a man push to the brink about something that should not matter to him, that's the way to do it. Someone on Facebook the other day in our group was saying,

is there a cinema in Koh Samui? Because I want to go and see The Incredibles 2. You fucking idiot. Stay off my island. Well, that's the talk of a man who's never seen Incredibles 1. Yeah, no, I have actually. It was all right. But fucking leave it for the plane.

You're a purist, aren't you? Yeah. What would be the equivalent of someone coming here, do you think? When in Samui. What would be like, what's the Australian, someone visiting Australia, what's the same deal? What? Don't go to the movies.

When you're on holidays, don't go to the movies, I think. Like you'd be like only go to like Uluru. I ain't got five days. You're doing something other than go to the movies? When you're on holidays, don't go to the movies, I think. Like, you'd be like, only go to Uluru. Go and do... You're doing something other than going to Uluru? Fuck you. A David Quirk comedy show? Get out! Yeah, what is that? Not quite, but, like, if you can do it at home, don't do it here.

Like, make the most of the unique things where you're going. Yeah, get fucking maggot in a pool. Sit on a beach, don't have any of them back home. Jet skis, there's have any of them back home. Jet skis, there's none here. None in Australia. Don't get drunk. You do that at home.

Yeah, well, look, I don't want to go on too much about it because we talk a lot about Thailand and I don't want to exclude anyone that gets a little bit over it. But very, very, very briefly, what we do have, and there's still things to come, there's still things that are happening, still things in the pipeline. Was there any more to the young girls? Well, what's happened?

They're dead now. And Carl can't go back for unknown reasons. I'll find a way. No, what I did was after about 20 minutes of talking, I was like, okay, I can understand that this is a bit weird or whatever. So I'm like, all right, I'm going to set you guys free. I'll go and sit at the other end of the airport or whatever it is. And then we all got on the plane and we're sitting across the aisle

from each other. Lovely stuff. Okay, right. I'm just going to read the magazines and whatever. So then we got out of the plane and then we lined up in customs together again and the whole time. And then you're having to find new conversations. So what else are you going to do in Samui?

Where are you going to stay? Oh, a dorm. Sounds cool. I might come. Yeah, exactly. All of that stuff. What are you guys doing later tonight? You know, I can introduce you to Mama Ninja.

All that sort of stuff. Which sounds like some kind of weird slang. They were like, how do we lose the old guy? Oh, actually, so the young lady who I was talking to, she did take a picture of us with me and her together at the Welcome to Samui sign. Oh, that's great. Oh, there's that. Yeah, so she's out there.

That's nice. Proof of life. I feel like some sort of weird Thailand Cinderella story. Now, if we could just find the missing glass slipper. So what's happening now is that, look, there's still stuff to come. There's still updates to come in terms of this bar that we've been searching for. But I can confirm at least one thing. What we are doing, for all the people out there that are excited about coming over

and all the little extra things that are going to happen at the Coastal Movie Podcast Festival, there is one night, at the minimum, one night we are doing a pop-up bar. Fuck yes. A pop-up bar that we are running ourselves. Yeah. One night we are doing a pop-up bar. Fuck yes. A pop-up bar that we are running ourselves on the beach at the old site of Ninja Crepes, of Mama Ninja's restaurant, Ninja Crepes. So we are doing a pop-up bar on the beach with Mama Ninja catering. Fuck yes.

And then big, big party with music involved on the beach at sunset. Big party. Well, you were there last year what a great location it's beautiful just don't go in the water but besides that it was beautiful

was the water no good yeah well I went in there and they're like don't go in there there's heaps and I was like nah I'll be right and there's heaps of sticks

and stuff I really fucked my legs oh right sticks yeah I was really drunk as well it was like a swamp it looked like an ocean but it was swampy

but it was one of the most beautiful sunsets it was great yeah and it it was one of the most beautiful sunsets. It was great. Yeah. And it is walking distance to the big market up there as well, which is super sweet. So that's going to be a real themed dum-dum party. It's a one-off pop-up bar.

We've got to think of a name for this. Oh, totally. Ninja Crap. Can I do five? Yeah. Stick. Well, if we bought a bar over there and we said to you, David Quirk, you've got a quick comedy here.

You run it. You've got to move over there. We'll put you on the payroll. Would you do it? I've got nothing left to lose. It's got a sweet garage for you. Yeah, that sounds good. Yeah, I mean, you wouldn't be getting paid a lot,

but you don't have to pay a lot to buy food and stuff. I've also never been to Thailand or Bali or anywhere tropical. Don't say that word. Sorry. Don't compare them. No. Sorry. That's offensive to me.

Sorry, Dr. T. Don't put that four-letter word in the conversation, all right? Their food is excellent. Who? Balinese. Bali's good. Don't say that. I've been there 12 times.

No shit, I can see your haircut. Have you really been 12 times? Yeah. That's more than me with Samui in Thailand. I worked there for like two months. Wow. Doing what? On a dive boat.

Oh, really? No wonder you and Kappa are so alike. He's done the same sort of thing. In Thailand, yeah. That's what being alike is, you idiot. What about Fiji? I don't know if that makes us the same. You both went to Asian countries.

And worked the same job. He didn't work on a dive boat, did he? No, he was selling joints on a... Rastafarian cruise. Rastafarian journey and he was rolling joints and selling joints. I don't know if that story is true. Sorry, a rasta boat in Thailand is a lot different to a dive boat in Bali. I'm sorry.

I don't know why I possibly could have compared the two. A dive boat is very different. I take it back. They're different countries, mate. That's like you saying Captain Phillips is the same as the skipper from Gilligan's Island. Check out these boat cunts. Yeah, what's the difference? You tell me.

Name five differences. I was on a high-end luxury dive boat and he was rolling joints in fucking, on a Thailand cruise or whatever it was, a Rastafarian thing. I'm putting it in the same genre, I'm sorry. Okay, they're both on the water, you got me. Yeah. Yeah, in popular Australian tourist destinations. My Life Story and Titanic are the exact same thing.

They're both on the water. Whatever. You're just like Kate Winslet in that. In my head, you are no different. Me and Kate, same person. David? No, it's just funny. I love how much you think you own Titanic. It's really good. I understand it. I feel like I'm that way about certain things. I can't think what.

Then that means you're not no I feel like there's a few things I can't think of nothing comes to mind but there's things I'm like yeah I know you only do two things and it's veganism

and skating as far as I know I don't think I own skating I wish I did have you ever done them both at the same time have you ever been a vegan and skater

yeah I do it every time I skate have you ever not eaten a chop while you're on a skateboard yeah yeah or every time so rad hey what about Fiji because it's the lesser known of the yeah I haven't been there Have you ever not eaten a chop while you're on a skateboard? Yeah, yeah. Or every time. So rad.

Hey, what about Fiji? Because it's the lesser known of the... Yeah, I haven't been there, but I've got no desire to go. Fiji is beautiful, but it's... Did you ever go to Bali? Can I ask that? No. So you just made your mind up?

Yes. You're just like, this place rules? Yes. I have to say, I eat a lot more Thai food than around Melbourne. That's it. It's part of it. I love Thai food. There's a lot of Thai food around compared to Bali.

There's a great, can I say it, Balinese restaurant in North Melbourne. There you go. I said it. Give them a full plug. That's it. It's part of it. I love Thai food. There's a lot of Thai food around compared to Balinese. There's a great, can I say it, Balinese restaurant in North Melbourne. There you go. I said it. Give him a full plug. Warong Agus or Agus. Their name is Warong Agus.

Carl Agus. It's like I just shat in his mouth. Enough of Thai corner. We've done that. No, I just want to limit it. I don't want anyone to get sick of it

but we are going there in June. June 13 to 18. It's selling very well. We've got some more news coming up. Can you get Slady back there to do his tie-dye show? I think the risk of being Greek is worse.

Versus reward is worth doing. My God. Okay. Is that even a joke? No, I won't tell the story. I heard a great... Do it. No, fuck it.

I'll tell the story. Can I go to the toilet? No. We're doing a podcast. I need to piss real quick. Why didn't you go before the show? Just keep it rolling and if anything... Fuck, you're an idiot. I'll keep you posted when you come back, Dave. Oh, God.

Take it in there with you. No, it won't reach. It won't reach. I'm going to start talking, Carl. Or just edit me out. I've got to piss. Leave the fucking... Don't. Keep going. Stop, stop, stop. Okay, stop. You've reached the end of the cord This is actually more interesting

There's a reason why he hasn't been on for two fucking years Tell the story I don't have time to edit this We can't We've got to put this up As soon as we're done recording We've got to edit this bit Oh Crunchy's gone for the mic

Crunchy's following David Quirk to the toilet Because the toilet is where the cat litter is So as soon as that door closes Crunchy takes a fence And needs that door open straight away. Fuck. She's licking the mic. Is she really? Yeah.

Is this Crunchy officially on the podcast? If she's licking the mic, she officially is on the podcast. But she did lick it. Yeah. Crunchy now officially a friend of the show. She's contributed probably more than David Quirk in this episode. Crunchy's show business career is about to... I told you it was quick.

Crunchy's show business career is about to take off now that she's been on the show. You don't have time. No time. God. So, very quickly, the story I heard was the other day, and I don't know, this is not my story. I don't know whether to tell the story or not, but Greg Fleet, with someone he was staying

with at the time. I don't know where this is going. I can't believe you're doing this. Oh, yeah, let's see. Let's see. Oh, boy. Greg Fleet with someone he was staying with at the time I don't know where this is going let's see Greg Fleet was in Thailand with someone else and they're going to Bangkok airport I think and because they're both actors went this will be funny let's go through airport security

pretending to be really nervous about going through security just to see what happens. Oh, yeah, that's funny in a third world country. Yeah, but that is kind of funny. That is funny. So they're going, oh, well, let's go through and try and fidget and we're sweating and oh, my God, we're going through.

I think Greg would be acting. He probably does some shit up his ass. Is this story pre or post 2001? Because that really makes a big difference. Pre. This is pre. So he does that with his ass. You know what I mean? Is this story pre or post 2001? Because that really makes a big difference. Pre. This is pre. So he does that with his friend. They go through and they don't get picked up.

They're like, oh, fuck, we're probably not as good actors as we thought. Then they get home to Melbourne, get to their flat, open up their bag and go, oh, fuck, we forgot. We actually did put a lot of drugs in our bag. Wow. How fleety. They were intentionally

trying to look nervous to get pulled over and then had drugs in their bag. It's like reverse psychology or something. Fucking hell. So,

to answer your question, no. Let's not bring Greg Fleet over to Thailand for the podcast festival. Fair enough. I'm glad I brought it up. Yeah.

But you've just been, relatively recently, you went to India. Well, it's funny. I'm glad I brought it up. Yeah. But you've just been, relatively recently, you went to India. Well, it's funny, it's funny, I did just go to India and within India

is Goa, which I'm sure you've heard of. Yes. Have you heard of Goa? And its reputation of like... I've not. What is it? Well,

it is, it's India's equivalent of your Fiji's, your Bali's, your Thailand's. It literally, except that everyone, someone,

my tour manager said this would be what Thailand would have been like maybe 20 years ago, 20 or 30 years ago. He said it's just a bit more old school.

It's all run by Russians, Russian bars, really dodgy. Russians love With crazy techno party. It's actually a Goa, Goa trance music is like a real style

of dance music just from this one, true story. Right. Drugs and dance music. Yeah, anyway, I don't have anything funny to say apart from the fact this one true story right drugs and dance music yeah anyway I don't have anything funny to say apart from the fact

that I tried to buy drugs and give it to the tour manager and he told me off and I was in a lot of trouble I thought it was a great idea I had a few drinks and I went and just

tried to buy drugs off this where do you buy drugs just behind a bar just so you so this is the thing that gets me

I thought I was doing everyone a favour and it was apparently the wrong thing to do I was like guys where did you go for a long wrong thing to do. I was like, guys. They go, where did you go for a long walk to? I said, nowhere, but I've got something for you. And they go, what the fuck are you doing?

I don't know who you were with as well. They're the three most, they're not party people. Taunts. Taunts is all right. You don't have to, let's not name people. Oh, sorry. There's nothing wrong with naming them. The story is that they didn't do any drugs.

Yeah. But, yeah, being in a different country and being in a third world country. Don with naming them. The story is that they didn't do any drugs. Yeah. But, yeah, being in a different country and being in a third world country. Don't name them. Greg Fleet just came back. Yeah, Greg Fleet illegally carried drugs over. You don't name anyone. All I'm saying is I don't think I'm besmirching Greg Fleet's good name in that story. Yes.

That's one of the better stories about him probably. So you're in a third world country and buying drugs because, even in Thailand, people have said to me, oh, where do you get drugs? I'm like, I wouldn't even think for a second about doing anything over there just because you don't know how things work. I've do shoot this time. Well, the Thailands, but you get murdered. You get killed.

No, I told like 10 people, I was like, go to the fucking pharmacy, you idiots. Everything's there. There's legal versions of everything you want. Yeah. Like legal speed. They have it. Yeah, right. In pharmacy.

Let's do a podcast on speed when we're over there. Oh, God. Everything's there. I don't see how it'd be any different with you guys to be on. Yeah, good point. Yeah. Yeah. So you bought drugs over there and you get told off.

How do you go up to someone in India and say, are you carrying anything? Yeah. I don't know. This is embarrassing, to be honest. Was there a vibe in the cafe or in the pub? A guy came and served us a few nights before on the beach, came and sort of said, you want drinks?

What do you need? And I said, yeah. And then he sort of gave that look. And he sort of said, do you want anything else? And I sort of said, come over here, mate. Oh, right. What are you talking about? Have a little job.

Show us the dessert menu. Yeah, yeah. Look, it is, to be honest, in places in Thailand, and not everywhere, but there is a bit of a thing where the clock strikes 10 or so, and when you're walking down the street, all of a sudden, instead of coming in and buying fake Ray-Bans, it's people on the street going, you want a bit of something else? Yeah.

They're just like, Valium, Valium? You're like, no, not Valium. What's that one for you? Get your knob hard. Oh, big pretense. Doesn't know what it's called. Oh, sorry, guys. I don't know what it's called.

I've genuinely forgotten what it's called. The boner one. Viagra. Viagra. Viagra, Viagra. You're like, no. Quirk you the name. He's the one who uses it, called. The boner one. Viagra. Viagra. Viagra, Viagra. No. Quirk you the name. He's the one who uses it, everyone.

We got it. This was a stink. We got it. This recorder's not even on. Fucking idiot. Now show us your dick. Show us your limp dick. Show us your limp dick, Fred Dursley.

Yeah, that's it. I don't want to talk about that anymore. I made a mistake. Okay. Dylan Dick, Fred Durst. Yeah, that's it. I don't want to talk about that anymore. I made a mistake.

Okay. Well, maybe we can talk about this instead because another thing that we've been banging on a little bit too much on the show and we're keen to perhaps draw a line under is your inclusion on a certain list that was featured on the show recently. Sweet list. Is this the final chapter maybe? I think this might be the final chapter. Because you've talked about these at length. Is that true?

Yes. I think there's not really anyone left to go through with. There is. I think we've talked about. You know what? Slight update. Maybe we say this. We're talking, of course, about my wedding a couple of months ago

and the people that came along and brought presents and there was a great list of people that did not bring presents, of which you were one, David Quirk. Brett Blake was on his own list, which is people that were invited but couldn't go but sent a present anyway. You made me look real bad with that sort of behaviour. You should feel like shit, dude.

This is two ends of the spectrum. Maybe I would have done the same thing if I couldn't go. But your presence was gift enough. I'd like to Maybe I would have done the same thing if I couldn't go. But your presence was gift enough. I'd like to think I would have done that. That's great. I guarantee you wouldn't have. Let's find out.

It just would have been some drugs that you bought in India. Have a good marriage. I would have taken that. You know, anything. Anything. Standing some Viagra over. Have a good night. Do you know the worst part about this?

Because it's months of... Yes, actually, you didn't get Carla a gift. Yes. Well, worse than that, because I was so angry. I'll be the judge of this. I was so angry at being... Not accused, because you were right. Because we brought this up at the Sydney Opera House

when we were doing a live show, and you were in the same building at the same time as I was outing you. Getting ready for a gig. You were in your dressing room, and they were piping our show in to your dressing room. That's right. They were heady days in Sydney.

And as you're trying to get ready for your gig, I am absolutely spraying you in front of a sold-out opera house saying you're one of the tightest people in Australia. To a whole other audience. We're just getting a very different experience of what David Quirk. He's on the loudspeakers everywhere. He's on this absolute carnage. People looking at their tickets like, oh, we're about to see this.

It's just going in the foyer of the Opera House. It was going out across the harbour, I think. People were driving across the bridge going, really, Quirk? It was like New Year's Eve. It was like going out across the harbour bridge in Neon. Yeah, yeah. Jesus Christ. That's exactly what it was like. I think more peoplebour Bridge in neon. Yeah, yeah. Jesus Christ. That's exactly what I was like.

I think more people heard this than saw Crowded House playing on the steps. Yeah. Chandler launching the thing. The difficult thing is I remember talking to my lady who was lovely. Thank you for inviting her. It was really nice. She enjoyed that wedding. But when I found out that you were complaining about me not getting a present,

a few others, I actually got sort of a bit irate. I'm like, fuck. Yes, you did. Fuck him. And then I said – So you bought someone else as well and you still didn't bring a gift. Yes. That's two gifts you fucking owe, mate.

Here's the thing. Here's where it gets worse, arguably. Hang on, for who? Because the idea after that, I said to my lady, I said, I should at least send something now. I should send like just a joke present, just something to fuck him over a bit more. I didn't even bother doing that.

That's how much I apparently don't care. I think we've said this on the show, but then we see you when your gig is wrapped up. We see you in like the artist bar and you are fuming. You are so angry. That's right. You wanted to do a podcast that night. I was very passionate.

Get me on that fucking thing so I can defend myself. But it's a David Quirk level of furious where you are so mad, but it is so funny because you're still so harmless. There's some sort of impotent fury where you're doing an impression of what you think mad people act like. No, I was pissed off. No, but you were still this weird cuddly version of an angry person. That's part of it.

You were shaking these little baby fists at me sort of thing. It's like, that's not doing anything. No one's going to come to harm here. It's bringing up the anger again. It's good. It's good. You're still smiling. Very cuddly.

There's really only the update is... What can I give you? No, nothing. I don't want to... Mate, the window is fucking surely closed. Exactly. Part of your defence was that you had bought a hotel for the night. Yeah.

You'd bought accommodation. That's not a good excuse either. No. Because I think I booked that at 11pm that night. These are all good points that we made to you when you were bringing that up as a point to us. No, I think one of my points was a wedding is the only party where you would ever have the nerve to expect presents.

Oh, right. And I'm like, this is fucked. wedding is the only party where you would ever have the nerve to expect presents. And I'm like, this is fucked. I will not get married, but if I do, no one has to, you know. You've all been sold out. Yeah, but also. You've been sold out, mate. But also. Don't you see? You won't be putting on a nice party like I did.

It'll be in a fucking teepee in the middle of a desert or something. I wore a suit for you, mate. Now that is the real present. No, I actually do enjoy wearing suits. I did enjoy when you told me this, the Airbnb that you were in, that you booked at the last minute. I wasn't in a hotel. You booked at like 11 at night or something. Yeah, it was, come on. It's hard to do

that time of night. You then got there and you haven't brought anything with you, so you and your lady just sleep in your formal gear that you've worn at the wedding and then you get up the next day and like, what, had to get the bus back to Melbourne. We drove back with Luke McGregor and his lady was vomiting in the front seat. Yeah, it was a hell of a day. Here's a little bit of info.

Have I apologised for it? Not really. I don't think so. Should I? Does this count? Yeah, I don't know. This is almost an apology. I think.

I don't fully want to back down. That's fine. Nor should you. You. Yeah, okay. That's fine. Nor should you. You've gone this far. That's fine. What do the listeners think? Look, I think they're just about over it. I think they're just about over it.

I think you're the only guest we have on the show who will directly address the listeners as listeners. You know we do live shows. This is not one of them. You do realise that, don't you? I do. Well, Crunchy's paying attention over there. Yeah, Crunchy's watching, actually.

Didn't I fall into another little... Was it eight or twelve people that didn't? It was twelve. Didn't I fall into a small category within that of myself and Kappa? There's a sub-category of people who you don't expect to have. You and Kappa were people that I didn't expect

because you are of a certain... But I do have a partner that is a bottom feeder. Yes. Let's call it what it is. Socioeconomic level. I do have a partner that is actually very switched on and does well financially. Should I blame her? Should I blame her?

Yes, that will help. Because she attends weddings. You know what's funny? I've got a wedding to go to this weekend. Oh, here we go. I have not thought about buying a present. But maybe I will. Just to spite you this weekend. Oh, here we go. I have not thought about buying a present, but maybe I will. Just to spite you.

And they're not even close friends. Maybe. They're not even close friends. So I'd probably get them something quite nice. I'm going to get them something good, actually. You haven't learnt your lesson from six months of harassment and you're still on the fence about this? Fucking hell. Wow, these people are going to absolutely give it to you

at the Melbourne Recital Centre in about six months' time. Wait till they have me on. Yeah, yeah. Man, I hope this isn't a member of Powderfinger because when they get back together, they're going to sing a few fucking songs about you. You know what? Here's a slight update.

Again, let's draw a line under the sand of this, in the sand of this subject. But a slight update of this. Of the fellow list members of yours, there was 12 on the night or so on that episode, a bunch of people have made good since then. Oh, the final tally. Yeah.

Oh, I'm not sure what the final tally is at the moment, but I'll try and work it out what it is now. It's David Quirk. It is your fellow scumbags of Fiona Lachlan. She's in the jungle, though. Yeah, she's not earning a heap of money over there or anything. She'll probably bring you back some Beatles shit or something from over there. Oh, she'll probably get something in duty free,

but it'll probably be fucking drunk by the time she gets on the Sky Bus. But anyway, there is Xavier Michaelides, another massive tight ass. These people have not made good. Yes, yes, yes. Xavier still hasn't. Yeah, yeah. Same situation. Nick Capa, so there's four.

And I think the fifth and last is Dave Callan. Wow. Now, Dave Callan came on this podcast a few weeks ago. I don't know how I feel about being included. I think I have to get a present. I don't know. Yeah, do you like that band? Some of those names make me sort of a bit unsettled.

Do you like being in that club of those people? No, no. It was all on my own terms until I heard that. It's like, this is difficult for me now. I'll get whatever you want. I might write a note because I'm going to buy something. I'll restart the gift registry. I'm actually looking around for pens.

I'm trying to write a note on my hand. You can't give me a pen I already own as a present. I'm sorry. It doesn't work like that. Take this. Here's my last update. Here's the last update on the subject. Let's draw the line here.

So Dave Callen was on the show a couple of weeks ago. We sprang this on him. Now, you came on the show knowing this would come up at some stage. Dave Callen, he doesn't listen to the podcast. He hadn't seen anything on social media about it. We brought this up. Oh, that's quite awkward. And you could see the scare in his eyes.

You could see him go off and go, fuck, I'm done. Oh no. Oh no. Why'd you do it? Oh no, I am cooked like a haggis here.

You know, he had a ninja sword on him or some shit that he could give you. Yeah, totally. You know that, you must have known that that would be

the vibe though. Of Dave Callum. Just dropping it on him like that. Yes, but I didn't know that he definitely didn't know about it

but I was very happy when I did find that out. That's right, I'm a big like that. Yes, but I didn't know that he definitely didn't know about it. But I was very happy when I did find that out. That's right, I'm a big tight horse. Yes, exactly. So what his story was then on the night was, in the episode was, he said, I did bring a present. I had an envelope with a card and a gift in it. And I went to get a ride with Danny McGinley to the wedding. I accidentally left the envelope at Danny McGinley's house. So I'm sorry, that's what happened. And we finished

the episode and walked away and I think, hang on, so is his story that? He just sat on the couch at the McGinley Manor, left an envelope on the couch and then went to the wedding and went home and then that was it and that envelope is still sitting there on the couch. What's the story there? Like, how does that story end? So I saw Danny McGinley just after the episode and I said, look, this is what Dave Callen's excuse is. Oh, the smoking gun.

Here we go. Yeah. I go to the source and say, this is what happened. This is his alibi. He said he went to your house, dropped the envelope there, went to the wedding, come back, that's the end of the story. He goes- It's like making a murderer.

He goes, this is the end of the story. This is like making a murderer. He goes, this is the end of the story. I give him a ride back, he comes back to my house, sees the envelope on the couch, picks it up, puts it in his pocket, goes home. Oh, this is a bombshell! A bombshell revelation. So for Dave Kellan to come on this podcast and say, oh, I left it at

McGinley's house, forgot a crucial little bit of information that he then remembered it when he got home. And then he's given you a live review of what he thought of the wedding, like not getting this $150 for that wedding. Can I just say, I'm part of that group of five. The other thing I wanted to point out, I literally, because I'm a dumbass, I forgot.

I got to the thing and saw all the presents and I was like, oh, that's right, that rings a bell. You're a great guy. No, I'm not saying that. I'm a great guy. I'm not saying that. I'm a great guy. I'm not saying that's... Is that an attempt at being a great guy? I've got a sweet alibi. I didn't think enough of you

to even think about it for a second. I never got you anything to begin with. But what is worse? What is worse? I'm just going to hang on to the present. I didn't leave it at anyone's house. I just never gave you a second's thought. So just remember that before you think I'm a bad guy. I wish I was dead. No, but seriously.

What do you get the man who has everything? Kill yourself. Is this enough? Is this enough for you, Carl? No, because you've got to do that at next week's wedding as well. So when is it? It's this coming weekend? That is shocking what Carl and I do.

That's shocking. I'm just ignorant and now... You know what it's been? It's been a great personality test. Yes. It's been a great little thing to see what people are really like. I agree with you, Dave. But the truth is those that do buy your presents,

you'll never know what they're like. Does that make sense? No, but I'm happy to just rest on the laurels of the dead, not a bad person. And you got a present out of it. Yeah. Yeah, little baby got a present. Win-win. It's a little questionnaire. Are you a good blo out of it. Yeah. Yeah, little baby got a present. Win-win.

It's a little questionnaire. Are you a good bloke or not? In your defence, Dave, I will say, I honestly think that that is better. Just being fucked and just not remembering or thinking at all. Being out of touch with how weddings work. Is worse than, in my mind, Dave Callan is now up the top of the villains list.

Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. I think that's way worse. He's seen it and then gone, nah. Yeah. And he's concocted, he's sort of tried to put McGinley into it because he knows McGinley's seen you a bunch of times so he could have brought the envelope.

Yeah, he has deleted the second half of the story which sort of insinuates that he's left, you know, a card and potentially money or a gift at McGinley. With 20 bucks in it. Yeah, McGinley Manor and then they've just kept it and gone shopping with it or whatever. Yes. Yeah. I did think that kid was in a pretty nice pram the last time I saw him.

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. All right. All right. Am I making a new list? Yeah. A new list of people that didn't bring a present.

You're no longer a part of his list. He's on his own list. I got you covered, Big Daddy. I got you. I got you. He's on his own list. All right you covered, big daddy. I got you. He's on his own list. All right. So that's...

Is that the... Officially, are we drawing the door shut on the... I had my say. You've had everyone have their say and you brought up an absolute bombshell about talent. The window has actually closed. There's no way anyone can give you a gift now. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Write to me, listeners, listeners. Write to me on Facebook and find out in the next week or two if I have indeed given Carl. Fuck. I can tell you right now, the answer is no, and you'll forget it as soon as you leave this door.

Are you going to use this as an audition for AM radio or something? Why do you need all this feedback? Hello, I'm John Law. All right, all right. So that's enough of that for the time being, I think. I think we're drawing the line on that. You're a flashlight out, Tommy. Yeah, sorry.

It's pronounced fleshlight. You, Brett, you wanted us to ask you, you were working on Neighbours today? Yeah. Well, and I was surprised I was asked back. Because last time I was there, I do lighting for film work, as I've mentioned before. Speaking of lighting, it's getting dark in here. It is getting fucking dark in here again. Turn your flashlight on.

No, just sit down, David. Don't go to the toilet again. Just stay with the microphone. See what I do to try and help people? You don't need a light on. I tried to just jump up to help little Tommy. To piss all over the light switch. Yeah, to put the light on,

spend someone else's money with the electricity there. That was going to be the wedding gift, turning the lights on in your bedroom. Burning my own power bill. The gift of light. Thank you. Let there be light. So last time I was there, the night before, I was like, oh, I'm going to go and work. Hang on, so this is at? Neighbours. Neighbours, right. And I had a gig with you

and then you brought up this girl who was on Neighbours many moons ago. Her name was Rebecca. Emma Logloo. Yeah, and you go like, she's such a babe. And I was like, I think she's still on there now. And I was like, I don't think she's a babe because she's like, you're like, no, 20 years ago she was the most beautiful lady I've ever seen or whatever.

And then I was like, nah. And then I Googled. So what, your point is all old people are ugly? Yeah. Next. Anyway, that's why Carl's a bloody stinker anyway, right? And then I just couldn't see it, right? And then so I Googled it on my phone.

I was like, you know what, Carl? She is a babe. You're right, right? And then the next day I was on set and I didn't know she was on, right? And she's standing next to me and I'm bored because it's neighbours and I got out my fucking phone opened Safari and there's just a photo of her in her lingerie and I'm standing next

to her and she's like what's that? I'm like nothing anyways. I was like fuck man. I don't think she saw it was her but I think she definitely saw someone in lingerie I was like fuck I'm never getting work here again. That's great. That is so good. Behind the mullet just on the clock.

Yeah, just creeping it up. I hit the back and it just goes back to Pornhub. I'm like, fuck. Yeah. Fuck. The camera on your phone was taped over. Yeah. It's all coming out.

It's either upskirting or taped over. It's one or two. That would actually be someone's thing to be sprung looking at someone in the nut by the person that was in the nut. That's someone's fantasy right there. I mean, mine and someone else's. Rebecca Malogla, she was a 90s pin-up.

Well, after I saw the photos, I concur. Carl's alright. Yeah, Carl's alright. Carl knows what's going on. Yeah, she's a pretty lady still as well. She's a good looking lady, but I just didn't see that she was a... Anyway, I saw her and then she nearly saw me staring at her and. She's a good looking lady, but I just didn't see that she was a, you know. Anyway, I saw her and then she nearly saw me staring at her and I nearly got fired.

Thank you, Carl. Great. Oh, thank you, Carl. That was my fault that you were looking at porn. Okay. Yeah. Well, anyway, I need to blame someone. Yeah.

No, fair enough. You also, you spent, over Christmas, we were speaking of him earlier, you spent Christmas at Nick Capper's family farm. Mate, I had Christmas with the Cappers. We did the vault. Oh, yes. We did the vault. Which is the Toowoomba Strip Club.

Toowoomba Strip Club. With a haircut. Haircut and boobies. With a barber involved. Barber involved in a vault. You get your hair cut. There's boobs out. We went there.

Got very, very drunk and had a good time. So did you get your hair cut by a topless hairdresser? Well, it doesn't need to be. It's already perfect. So it was fine. I just had a beer there. You didn't partake. Okay.

And then I spent the Christmases with the Cappers, which was fucking so much fun. It was just his old man rinsing him for two weeks about being a fucking dumb cunt. Oh, really? Yeah, it was so funny. What do they make fun of him about? Because everything that we make fun of him about,

they created, so they can't really hang shit on it. No, I mean, obviously his family loves him, but his dad just loves hanging shit on him more. So like the first activity we did there, we were about 10 beers deep and his dad's like, all right, boys, let's get the shotgun out. And we're like, oh, this is safe. And it was, and I had a good time.

But I hit more clay pigeons than he did on my first go and he's just like, for fuck's sake, Kappa, right? And then his old man, Kappa was trying to like close a fence and his old man's just like, God, he's a fucking idiot. And then just like, it was like Carl Chandler Jr., you know what I mean, or senior, and he's just whined down the window and just constantly rinsing him. But it was a good Christmas.

You weren't tempted to ask the father, like, what kind of bad values he instilled in his son to make him not turn up to a wedding without a present? Yeah. I don't know. Because his family's quite hospitable. Oh, really? Interesting.

Where does it come from? What's the missing link? This is the missing link. That's a learned thing. Was that a light just flashed on and off? Jesus Christ, what was that? I can't say. Did the power just go off in this house?

I think it did. Well, this is still recording, so no. So, yeah, Christmas with the Kappas. What was that like? You go downstairs on Christmas morning. I love you, Dad. I love you, son. Staying with the Kappas in the summer, in the summer heat.

How'd that smell? No, I'm not shitting on the Kappas. Mum, Dad and brother and nan. I doubt they listen. You can shit as much as you like. No, they're absolutely beautiful. And it was just more fun watching Kappa getting bullied. Like his old man's just like, he's sitting on the couch, he's like,

fuck your fat. This is great. Because when I go home, I just cop it from my dad for two weeks. So it's great to see someone else just absolutely getting flogged. But no, it was just good fun. So how long did you stay there for? I stayed there for five days. We did camping.

We did a bit of camping, hiking. National Lampoon's Kappa Christmas vacation. Let me ask you this. They had you just stay for five days. Did you get them a present? Yes. Oh, good boy. No, no.

Shit. No, no. A Christmas present. No, I didn Shit. No, no. A Christmas present. No, I didn't because... No, I didn't. I got everyone else Christmas presents. I got everyone in the family a Christmas present. Who's family?

In the Capper family? Capper's mum, dad. Oh, so you did go up there and buy them all presents, everyone except for Nick. Well, yeah, I'm rocking up to their fucking Christmas. You've got to buy them a present. Of course, that's what we're asking. That's a very nice thing to do.

And I will say, the most generous person at Christmas I've ever seen... By the way, Quirk is just bewildered at everything you've said. I'm flummoxed. Okay, there is a cool thing you can do with any present, is you buy it, leave it somewhere for a while, forget about it for a minute, then come back, grab it and keep it for yourself. Hey.

It's a squeaky. That's still a level you haven't got to yet, Quirk. You haven't had enough thought to buy the present to start with Yeah true But Kappa was so I've never seen someone so Like when I buy my brother a present I'm like whatever's 20 bucks from that bin over there

I'll get him that But he bought his brother like 20 bucks from a bin? Yeah like a You know like a DVD bin or something But he got his brother like a Sega And just like fucking heaps of shit Bought me heaps of shit

A friendship calendar Which was quite sweet Like a footy and stuff And I was like Then when he found out Cause Bought me heaps of shit. A friendship calendar, which was quite sweet. Like a footy and stuff. And I was like, then when he found out, because I, yeah, and he didn't get you a present. I was like, fuck. Wait, hang on. What did he get his mum? A Sega.

You know, he got his brother a Sega, like a $200 Sega. Hang on. Nick Capper bought someone a $200 item. What? And that was the only gift he gave? Yeah. This is crazy. It was the most generous gift giver I've ever seen.

So wait, he got his brother a 20-year-old video game console for Christmas. No, no, the brand new one that had been released with all the games preloaded. Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah, he bought him that, which is like 200 bucks. And then he must have spent at least 100 bucks on me. The name Carl Chandler on the front of this Sega. You see where he's spending all his money now. Hang on, hang on, hang on.

We're talking about Nick Capper. Who are are you talking about he just got paid from the cruise oh he'd done a cruise ship yeah he did that cruise ship there yes so it's timing i've next time next time i have a wedding i've got to plan it after a gig where i know he's getting paid for something that wrote that inspired him that wedding incident inspired him he's like crumb moves well which i don't know if he hasn't done yet or has forgot because when he came to Perth Fringe, he stayed at my nan's house with me because my nan's staying, but we stayed at the back of a – my nan lives at the back of a caravan park and it sounds bad but it's good.

And she stayed with my – he stayed at my nan's place and he goes, this is the most sweetest thing ever. I'm going to buy – I'm going to send you money to buy your nan a puzzle and loves puzzles. And I was like, yeah, I'm going to send you money to buy your Nana a puzzle and loves puzzles. And I was like, yeah, yeah, for staying free for a week. Money hasn't arrived yet. So classic Kappa. Of course.

He's back to his old tricks again. It's not like, how much does a puzzle cost? Well, 20 bucks. He said, I want you to buy a good one. So maybe 30. Oh, la-di-da. Don't get any of your shitty puzzles. A thousand pieces or above. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, bloody da. Don't get any of your shitty puzzles. A thousand pieces or above.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I say this today. There is a difference between being poor and being a tight ass. He was thoughtful. It sounds like he spends it when he's got it. Is there a difference or is there people like you that just combine the two? I try and combine them. He bought me a beer the other night, I just remembered.

Oh, really? Big pint of beer. Yum, yum, yum. Me? No, Kappa. I of beer. Yum, yum, yum. Right down the cellar. No, capper. I was going to say. God, no. I was going to say.

Quirk looks genuinely shocked. Quirk is like, good, you owe me a beer now. Well, guys, we better wrap this up for another week of the Little Dum Dum Club. Brett Blake, David Quirk, thank you very much for joining us. Thank you. Quirky people can find you on Twitter. I'm more into Instagram. Instagram. I'm find you on Twitter. I'm more into Instagram. Instagram.

I'm more fun on that. You have a good Instagram. Yeah, deadbeat. At D-E-D-B-E-T, like be true. You can still look me up on Facebook, but that's a mugs game, isn't it? It is a mugs game. It's okay. You're right.

That algorithm. Unless you're Carl Chandler. Yeah. Don't do it. A lot of people enjoy it. No, I'm still on it. All of them. Yeah.

It's waning, isn't it? What did you say? Facebook. Sorry, I tuned out. It's going the way of the buffalo. I'm more of an Instagram man. Yeah, yeah. I like Instagram.

Blakey, you have got a run coming up at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Yeah, and you show Reckless, so I'm pretty excited about that. And then, yeah, at Pretty Blake on Instagram, and then Brett Blake on the Facebook. Awesome. Cool. Check all that out. We've got all of our stuff on sale. then BrettBlake on the Facebook. Awesome. Cool. Check all that out. We've got all of our stuff on sale. LittleDumbDumbClub.com.

Guys, thank you very much for joining us and we'll see you next time. See you, mate. See you, mate. And welcome once again to an all new episode of Talking Dumb Dumb. Oh, this is new. This isn't a repeat. Okay. I thought I'd said this before already.

That's not bad. We should just repeat one of these. Just put in one from a month ago. We've already got complaints. I've been repeating names of Patreon listeners, so no. It'd be good to formalise it. Yeah. They can't complain if there's a little, when the episode description comes up, if there's

a little R in brackets. Yeah. Then they'll know. The little RPT. Do you remember finding out what that meant? Like always looking in the TV going, what's this R shit mean? And then someone telling you that means it's a repeat. Yeah, yeah, a few of those little ones, yeah.

Boy, this is a conversation that will be absolutely lost on our younger listeners. I did used to get the, by the TV week, just for the line-up of what was going to come on. Oh, really? Yeah. Exciting. Yeah, very exciting to see what was going to come up during the week and make a little circle around my favourite

program so as to not forget them. Like I had fucking anything else to do in Mirabar. Totally. Yeah, better not miss this. Better set the, what about the codes where you could like set certain VCRs to record it? No way. That's stupid. What do you mean? Well. You say no way like you don't believe

I'm saying it. I don't have time to do that. Like, you know, it wasn't that. I was living in Maribor. What else do I have to do? I never knew anyone that had a video recorder that could do that. Right. That seems pretty crazy technology. Yeah, yeah, I guess so.

Yeah, I never looked into it because I was like, well, it's not like I was out in the town in Maribor. I was just always there anyway. You're there ready. You're pausing the ads. Yeah, as long as you were, you know, within a couple of hours of the show being on, that was the only concern, to

me. If it was a late night thing, you've just got to stay up late enough to set it going and for the three hour tape to capture the end of it. Yep, yep. I wonder if anyone tapes these. What do you mean? When they go up online, they're like, I've I gotta record this

so I can listen to it again they sit there with the bluetooth speaker and the tape deck next to it making their own copy yeah yeah they're at home

they're like oh this comes out when I'm at work I better set the three hour tape going at home when it downloads to my home computer

so yes we are here at the end of another another fabulous episode of the World's Greatest Podcast. Yes. We talked a little bit about, just for once, about Koh Samui, a little bit of news about that bar, about the one-off, the pop-up bar.

Yep. Pop-up bar slash party. Of course, we're going to do everything that we've been dreaming of doing. We're going to, you know, name it. We're going to have our own drinks, our own sort of little deals. We're going to have some music. There may be still a little development that is quite exciting that, Tommy, that you'll know about.

Hopefully it comes off. But there are still more developments to come, I think. Yeah, there are still a few little things, little irons in the fire, a few little things that I've been stoking, a few things that I – A few fingers in a few pies. Yes, a few things that I got going while I was over there on my little fact-finding mission. There's no... Well, let's not call it that because there's no facts left for you to find.

Well, there was facts. Over there. You know all the facts about Thailand. No, but there was facts about bars I didn't know. True. And about relationships with people I didn't know. Oh. With managers.

Oh. Yeah, it was very... Mr Chandler. Very business-like over there. Is managers. Mr Chandler. Very businesslike over there. Is there a Mrs Chandler? I was walking around going from bar to bar with a briefcase just saying, can you just fill this up so I can drink out of it? Yep.

So, yes, of course, littledumbdumbclub.com is where you can find all the information about our Koh Samui trip, as we mentioned at the top of the episode. You can also support the show on Patreon. Thank you to everyone who chooses to do that. You get sweet rewards. We just sent out this month's batch. We did an episode where we had dinner.

Yes. What a boon for content that was. Yes. It actually was really good. No, it was fun. And the latest magazine we just sent out. So, I mean, this is the best time of the month. The stuff's just gone out.

Oh, for us. And it's like a quiet couple of, you know, quiet week or so before we have to start worrying about it again. Yeah, yeah. Before the first of the month and you go, fuck, here it comes again. We've got to do that magazine. We've got to figure out a bonus episode. So that's all coming up.

I think people are reacting even, even, even better to that as time goes on. I think we're doing an even better job with everything. So people are very much enjoying that. And, of course, some people just out of the goodness of their heart want to chip in to thank you for doing what we do and give a little bit back and make sure we keep doing it.

Which is very nice of them. So part of the rewards are us, this now infamous back end of the show where we read out a different number of names every week and we say thank you to those people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

We depend on, you know, I sort of lick my finger, put it in the air and see what the mood in the area is, what sort of, you know, what sort of number of people we can do, what sort of tone that we take. This is like the plaque at like a gallery or whatever where they tell you about, you know, the benefactors, the people that have like shipped in great amounts of money except in our case it's like that but if that plaque was in the toilet. These are like audio plaques.

Yeah, you say plaque, I say plaque. But yeah, these are audio little, like the bricks in the wall of some buildings. When they build a new building they put the name in the brick. This is a much, much shittier version of that. I'd say better but anyway. Okay. This is a much, much shittier version of that. I'd say better, but anyway. Okay. This is going to live forever.

Right. Bricks can be torn down. The internet is forever. Have I told you this? I'm sure I've told you this, and apologies if I have told you this before, but this was a great conversation. This is something that's very much up your alley.

Okay. If you haven't heard this. I love stuff like that. Yeah, that's what I thought. So there was these people that were, there was a party on and there was these guys in this room and my friend was in there with them and these other idiots were just real dumb people. And they were sitting there having that stupid thing at a party where you've had a few drinks or you've had a few other things and then you're sitting there trying to have this deep conversation

whilst being a complete fucking idiot. And these two people are sitting there going, trying to figure out the meaning of life. Two idiots trying to figure out the meaning of... Two very dumb, dumb people. One could say that's literally what this show is. I don't know about you, that's what I come in here every week hoping to get out of it.

Oh, right, right, right. Well, we never quite get around to it. And I reckon as of recently I've discovered it. Well, let's compare your answer to the meaning of life. Oh, okay. So these guys' answer. So these two real dumb idiots are sitting there trying to figure out the meaning of life. And this was literally their discussion.

One said, what is the meaning of life? Well, you know what I figured out? It's not cars. Because you can drive your car and crash it and die. So that's bad. So cars can't be the meaning of life. Okay. And did the other one have anything to offer?

The other guy, I think, was arguing against it a little bit, going, really? Cars must be the meaning of life. Yeah,? Oh, the other guy, I think, was arguing against it a little bit, going, really? Cars must be the meaning of life. Yeah, yeah. Or it could still be, you know. Now, that's the piece I remember. I'm not sure what they got to the answer of. I mean, you know, he's right.

Cars aren't the meaning. There's no way cars are the meaning of life. Yeah, yeah. So he's not wrong. Yeah, yeah. No, you're right. Actually, in hindsight, that was Stephen Hawking. Now that I've come to think about it, that was a very smart guy.

Well, you know what I think the meaning of life is? Cars? Comedy! Comedy? All right. Anyway. So to any rev heads out there, I'm really sorry for you guys to hear it this way, but cars are not.

Finally, Holden fans and Ford fans will be able to come together over bashing you. Well, they'll be depressed together. Sorry, guys, but you've been wasting your time with these vehicles. It is not the be all and end all of life, guys. I cannot tell you what the meaning of life is, but what I can tell you is it's not that. Maybe that's a weekly segment. Maybe I can rule out one thing every week.

Of what's not the meaning of life. Yes. I can rule. Maybe that's a weekly segment. Maybe I can rule out one thing every week. Of what's not the meaning of life. Yes. Okay, cool. So you've had an eat. You yourself haven't had to do any work here. Someone else did this for you. I'm just reporting back at the moment. But as of next week, you're going to have to.

I'll rule something out. Yeah, you're going to have to spend all week thinking about it. Slash sit on your fucking computer for half an hour while I'm at your house thinking of what to say this week. I wouldn't say half an hour. All right, all right. I'll rule something out for you next week. Okay, great. All right.

A mini segment within this mini segment. Yes. Carl's not the meaning of life. No, let's do this live. Let's do this live at the Brisbane show. Let's do an episode of what's not the meaning of life. All right, all right. We can go through a few things.

Well, we've still got an episode next week that's a studio episode, so I can introduce it there. All right. Okay. So, speaking of mini-segments within mini-segments,

as you spoke about the Patreon, the Patreon rate of all the, a lot of people chip in every week and we very much appreciate it.

Thank you very much for keeping the lights on here in Dumb Dumb HQ. Now, we read a lot of benefactors out, as we've said. Here are the audio bricks in the wall. We're about to – some of those funds obviously go into the unplanned title alternator, some of the updates that happen in

our little computer program. There's a lot of in-app purchases in the unplanned title alternator. A lot of what, sorry? In-app purchases. What's an in-app purchase? So, you know know like an app on your phone sometimes they'll be free the app itself will be free yeah but then you'll get to a point in it where it's like hey if you want this thing of the app right this bit of it costs you

two dollars yeah that's kind of what's happened to us with the that's what's so the app was free it's like if you want me to give you the names though that's two dollars and it's like we keep getting stung for that yeah yeah that's actually now, now that you say that, that's what's come up, the updates this week. It's like I've had to – if you want some actual really good names, you've got to pay more, which I haven't done. So these are all shitty names. Yeah, yeah, I've got all the shit names. Shitty names of shitty people or just the names of shit?

They said if you want to get the good people, you have to pay extra. So these are all shit people. Yeah. Wow. Well, that's what the unplanned title alternator has said. But this is – I don't see how they can be shit people when they. Wow. Well, that's what the unplanned title alternator says. I don't see how they can be shit people when they choose to contribute money to a podcast. Hey, I'm with you, brother.

There's no one who'd – I can't imagine a fan of a podcast ever being anything but an upstanding, perfect human being. Hey, you talk to the people in an unplanned title alternator, Inc., all right? Well, I think I will. Yeah. What country is this app from, by the way? What am I doing researching the country of apps? I don't know. I've got no idea. Okay, new segment.

What country isn't the unplanned title alternator from? We need more. You know what? I've always thought we need more segments, and now I'm thinking we need less. We need more bullshit going on in this show is what we need. All right. Let's hit the big old red button.

Yes. The big old red rocket. Let's get this. Let's not hit that. Let's get this steam train happening. Thank you. Wow. Wow.

Straight away. A shit person. No. Well, hey. Your words and the people that aren't playing title alternators' words but not mine. Thank you to Patreon subscriber and apparently shitty person Aaron Webb. and the people that aren't playing title alternators, the words but not mine. Thank you to Patreon subscriber and apparently shitty person, Aaron Webb.

Webby. Yeah. First cap off the rank. And that's not even alphabetical. That's just what got sped out first. Aaron Webb. Wow. The old double A's.

The old... The flattest chest going around. The old... I think this guy coming out of Spider-Man's wrist. A-Web. Okay, very nice. What about... Yeah, what about that? No, but double A at the start of the name.

Is that like nearly a non-existent bra size? Is that like just nothing? That's bra size. That's just double A. Can you get a double A bra? Oh, right, okay. Okay. I thought you said brass eye. No. A non-existent brass eye. I was like, what is this slang from the 1940s that I've never heard before? No, a double A bra size. You're just putting a tea towel on top of your chest.

Is that what that is? I don't want to wade through this quagmire with you. Why not? I'm sure we'll get lots of really cool things that people will be happy with. Double A. Double A must exist, right? Should I talk about the girl that works at my gym again in reception? Should I be talking about that? That was popular. That was popular?

All right. Okay. Let's talk about double A brass eyes instead. You copped it online about that. I copped it online about mentioning that I'd gone into a kinesiologist. Not even positively, I may add. Right. And got a flood of tweets of people going,

turns out it's bunk and all the reasons why I shouldn't go. First of all, I wasn't particularly pro it. Second of all, I don't care what you think about kinesiology. Can we make that clear of any comment that anyone sends us that we don't care? Should we say that? Yeah. Anything negative, anything negative, and people go, you guys are us that we don't care? Should we say that? Anything negative,

anything negative, and people go, you guys are sensitive. I don't care. If you want to say good show, thanks guys. If you've got anything bad to say, who cares?

I like the idea when people get, when people have a go at other people for being sensitive, like we're not all sensitive. Like it's not an inbuilt human reaction that everyone has the capacity to feel at some point in their lives. We do have to do this every now and then.

It's boring for people that have to hear it over and over. But we do have to do a little bit of a line in the sand when we carry on like pork chops on here. It's fair to say. Unbelievable stuff happens. Like huge slabs of meat. That's how we behave. Now, we do that. We don't particularly want people to abuse us. No. We're friends. We don't particularly want people to abuse us.

No. We're friends. We don't particularly need people ringing us up or sending us death threats or any of this sort of nonsense. Well, this came up in the Facebook group the other day. I was out for drinks with some mates of mine and a young lady came over to us to say, hey, sorry to interrupt. I just wanted to say I really enjoy the podcast. And I was like, thank you.

And she's like, oh, I saw you over here. I just thought I'd say hi. Anyway, have a nice night. And walked off. And my friends that I was with were flabbergasted that someone so seemingly normal would come over and have such a genuine, pleasant interaction with me. They couldn't imagine of such a thing. My housemate kept talking about it the next day. It was like, it was unbelievable.

She just came over. She wasn't fucked looking. She didn't have a thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My housemate kept talking about it the next day. It was like, it was unbelievable. She just came over. She wasn't fucked looking. She didn't have a go. She just said she likes the podcast. Yeah, yeah. He seemed disappointed. I have a few of them. You know, this is what people do.

Usually, I'll get a few text messages or social media messages going, oh, I saw you on the train, but I didn't want to say hello or whatever. Hey, say hello. If you've got something nice to say. Yes. I'm more than happy to give you my time. I think this is the problem is that we only single out the bad stuff that happens. We don't single out the good stuff because it's not that interesting.

Yes. So people think it's like we don't care for it. Yeah. Or that it doesn't happen. Yeah. Maybe that's just what we have to do. Maybe we have to have a 20-minute window of the show that, while boring, will at least highlight the positive things that happen to us. Or put a request there.

If you're going to, please come up to us and say you like the show, but try and have something funny to say as well so that we can include it as content. Yeah, I think that's asking too much. Yeah, okay. All right. Because that's asking people to be funny. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Maybe just, if you come over and say you love the show and then you smash an ice cream in your head or something. You're not interrupting at all. This young lady who came over, sure I was with a group of friends and I don't mind telling you, I was absolutely holding court. But hey, you know what? Doesn't matter. Yes, the floor of the story was interrupted.

Didn't matter. Absolutely happy to hear it. Loved hearing it. Great. A wonderful interaction. Someone came up to me on the street in the middle of people today and said hello and said that they loved the show. So thank you very much to that person as well.

A lot of good eggs out there. Yeah. A few fucking rotten eggs that need to be fucking smashed. Yes. Thanks, Aaron. Yep. Thanks, Aaron. Thanks, Double A. Thanks, Double A.

Thanks, Double A. Now, please. Now, you've got a bit of memory on names that we've been reading out before. And according, of course, I've hit the random, the button. Untitled? Unplanned title alternator. Don't say random. No, no, no.

That's another era. I don't want to be involved in those people anymore. Yucky. So, I feel like I've read this name out before, but I don't have a record of it. Okay. You tell me. Okay. Give me the ding or the ba-bow.

Okay. So, ding if you have read it out? Ding if I haven't. Okay. Yeah. So, the ding sound if you haven't and the ba-bow if you have. Yes. So, the ding if you're correct in doing this and the bup-bow if you fucked it.

Yeah. Okay. Will you cross that? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Read the name. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Bailey Sweetapple. What were the noises again?

Bup-bow. Oh, we've done that. Yeah, you've read that out. Fuck. Yeah. I don't... Why have I got knockout... We can do it again.

Well, I just did. Well, we are... Okay, we're doing it again. We've done it again? We can do him again. Well, I just did. I just said it. Okay, we're doing him again. We've done it again. We've done it again. We met him in Perth. Did we really? Mm-hmm.

Fuck. Should I just get another name? No. Let's just do him again. All right. It takes you ages to find those names. I'm hungry. What do you mean?

You have to hit the button, you mean? Oh, I mean it takes ages to wade through all the system settings of the unplanned title alternator. Great. Saved it. Phew! All right. Good.

Look, it's bewildering to me that this would not stick out to you because it's a hell of a name. That's what I'm saying. It is a hell of a name. Even I'm remembering this name. I don't know why it's not recorded down. But anyway. Yeah. But yeah. And maybe

that's a good reason why I'm reading it about twice because it is worth a second read because what the fuck is happening there in the family? Proof of how bad your memory is and how geriatric you truly are becoming. If Bailey's sweet apple can't make an impression. I'm telling you I remember it. That's why I'm giving you the ding and the ba-bow. I remember's sweet apple can't make an impression. I'm telling you I remember.

That's why I'm giving you the ding and the ba-bow. I remember it. You didn't remember it, though. You had to ask. No, but I'm only asking because it's not on the list that I've got here of all the names I've read out. You sound insane. Well, it's not here.

I remember saying it. It was the one-armed man. Thanks, one-armed. Did he really have one arm? No. Oh, fuck. No, you knowarmed. Did he really have one arm? No. Oh, fuck. No, you know, from The Fugitive. Yeah.

Yeah. But I was thinking, if Bailey Sweetapple... Look, my memory isn't that good. If Bailey Sweetapple really had one arm, he's got a lot going on in that life. I feel like if Bailey Sweetapple... It's highly likely that he has only one arm, because I wouldn't have noticed that, because the whole time in my head I would have been going, I'm talking to someone called Bailey Sweetapple.

Right. And you didn't shake his hand either. No, I don't like – Or you didn't. I don't care to touch people at all. You don't? No. Right.

No. Do you like being – I hate being touched. Really? Fuck. People that – strangers that touch you, like strangers that like put their hand on your shoulder and stuff like that when you're in – someone you just met touching you. You don't – Nah.

You know what? You don't – you're not so much a person that hangs around, talks to the listeners after the show. I don't think you like meeting these new people as much. I'm – yeah, I don't know. You make your exit pretty quick. I feel like after a live show, there's always something else to do. You're off.

Oh, that's not true at all. I'm always around. I end up getting stuck talking to just like one person for about 40 minutes. No, that's not true at all. I'm always around. I end up getting stuck talking to just like one person for about 40 minutes. No, that's not true. And the reason I call you on that, I would love to do that. Every live show I go, this is the one where I'm just going to leave straight away. Yeah, I don't know if I agree. I don't care if you agree or not because it's the truth.

Yeah, I don't think this is the truth. Nah. Bah-bow. Nah. I've never left early maybe. I don't think this is the truth. Nah. I've... Bah-bow. Nah. I've never left it. I've left early maybe... I don't think... I'm always sticking around after shows. I'm saying that's not true. I'm saying you hate the

listeners and I'm saying I love them. Okay. Yeah. Cool. Who's your favourite? I'm Bailey Sweetapple. Yeah, just off the top of my head. I think he's so great I would never forget a name like that. And I really should at some stage, read him out on the Patreon read. Yeah.

Well, one of these days, hopefully we can get around to it. Maybe next week. Yeah. Maybe next week. I wish I had control of this unplanned title alternator, and I would plug that in for next week. But let's... Third news segment.

Is it time to read out Billy Sweetapple's name? All right. Thanks, whoever to read out Billy Sweetapple's name? All right. Thanks, whoever we read out just then. Thank you. All right, here we go. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Daniel Adam. Daniel Adam. Recognise the name?

Not a lot going on there, is there? Well, there's two first names is what's going on there. I mean, this is as big of a roadblock as they come. Look, we've just talked about people that support the show. We've talked about people that insult us. I'm going to say this bloke, I know who this guy is. He's a local. He loves doing a bit of both.

Very supportive. Loves sticking the knife in as well. What do you mean by local? Do you mean he lives near you? Melbourne. Oh, okay. Right. Yeah.

Right. Big support. He comes to the Melbourne Live podcast. Oh, yeah. Big support of coming to our comedy festival shows that we put on. He came to my show a couple of years ago way too many times. Okay. In a great way that, you know, when I was doing the heckle show,

where I was doing my show, having a heckler every night. So what that did was that brought a lot of people to come in and watch it more than once because you were sort of seeing half a new show every night yes yes now daniel came in i think 11 times wow that's too many yeah to a point where you didn't even want to be there that many no totally i don't think i did that many shows to be honest so he came to a point where that's a that's a danger number where he he knew the show better than me yes so then he wasn't laughing that's a danger number where he knew the show better than me. Yes.

So then he wasn't laughing. That's true of people seeing it for the very first time as well. Yes. So he saw, he knew all of the jokes. He wasn't laughing

in any of the jokes. And again, that sometimes is true of someone who's seen it one time. Before I could get in there. Yeah. So,

he was just there for the heckler. So, these are these shows when I'm watching people just not laughing at any moment here, I'm like, just keep that seat open for someone else that hasn't heard the jokes maybe. Well, I mean, you are getting his money.

I know. There's that angle to it. That's what I'm saying. It's a very confusing little double there. He's very supportive but also didn't mind sticking the boots in. Yeah, so thank you, Daniel. If you had to pick,

if you had to say that he was landing more on one side than the other, what do you think he does more of? Support? More positive than negative? Yeah. Well, that's good. It all comes out in the water. No, totally, totally, totally.

Well, thanks, Danny. Yeah. Thanks, Danny A. Thanks for everything. But mainly thanks for the positive bits. Yeah. Yeah. Not so much thanks for the stony-faced silence when I did duck sandwich

for the 11th time in two weeks. Well, I want to say thank you for that because I'm enjoying hearing about it. Right. Okay. Well, let's agree to disagree there. So, let's go. Number four for this week. Let's go.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber Isaac Northcote. Ooh. Yeah. Wonderful suburb subscriber Isaac Northcott. Ooh. Yeah. Wonderful suburb. Isaac? Yes. Right. What's it like?

No, Northcott. Oh, okay. Northcott. Is it spelt like the suburb of Melbourne? No, Northcott. Ooh. Spelled like Northcott. Okay, well, it sounds similar enough.

Please, wash your mouth out with soap, please. Just for getting a word confused? Yeah. Wow, that's brutal parents. For not hearing the spelling of that name as I'm pronouncing it, you dirty little bird. Isaac. You know what?

Fun fact. Very fun fact. That is the second person in this episode of our little Patreon read with double A in their first name. Whee! What are the odds? That's me having fun with that fact. in their first name. Whee! What are the odds? That's me having fun with the fact. What are the odds?

Whee! Has that ever happened? It's never happened before. Has that ever happened? It's never happened before. I don't know if that's ever happened before. This almost feels like a breach of the unplanned title alternator. There's these two names with double A in it.

I don't know if I'm into this at all. This feels like almost too much of a coincidence. Yeah. We may as well just be reading out the same name five times in a row. This is the sort of thing you only see in the movies. Yes. Yeah. Yes.

This feels scripted. This is like Ripley's Believe It or Not territory. Anyway, okay, let's go on with it. Isaac Northcott. Northcott. Yeah. Isaac. Double A.

Can't say I know anyone with the name Isaac. No. Never met an Isaac. Except for the bartender on my – oh, is it a bartender on the love boat? Or is it the doctor? Well, I don't know him. You don't – you've never met? I've not met him.

I don't think I've ever seen – Tommy. I don't think I've ever seen any of the love boats. You've got to come over to the house and I'll introduce you one time. Come over when we're having a cocktail party. Yeah, great man. Love Boat, love that show. Yeah, it's one that you never see it being replayed.

You know what I mean? It's had its time and it's just done. It put out to pasture. It did. You know what? Now, you know certain albums have a time and a place in your memory. For the Love Boat, that was me quitting my job and then going full-time comedy and then going, yeah, I don't have that much to do, do I?

And so that became my 11 o'clock special. That was me at home trying to do a bit of freelance work but mainly sort of planning it around The Love Boat at 11am. I think I remember this. And did you, correct me if I'm wrong, you quit your, you went full-time in comedy off the back of getting hired on The White Room? Mm-hmm.

What a blunder. No, it was fine. We've all got there. It's all worked out in the end. Yeah, it's all worked out. It was fine. I was always looking for an excuse to get rid of my day job. As soon as an offer comes out in comedy somewhere,

a full-time thing in comedy, and sure, that job went for about six weeks or so. That's generous. But then I had the chance. You know what? You can't get a job if you're already in a job and you can't go out and apply for a new stuff and do bits of freelance. That was all fine.

I'm completely fine with that. And it led me to discover Isaac on the Love Boat, which is another great reason to quit your job. And then also, in a roundabout way, it led you to discover Isaac on the Patreon. Yes Yes. Which is another great reason to quit your job. And then also in a roundabout way led you to discover Isaac on the Patreon. Yes. Isaac Northcote. Isaac Northcote. Thank you.

Thank you, Isaac. Thank you for the love boat. Thank you for Carl quitting his job. Yeah. Thank you for this podcast starting. Thank you for the white room. It all starts with you. Yeah.

Okay. Very positive. It's getting late and I'm really hungry. Let's just do one more. Okay. All right. Well and I'm really hungry. Let's just do one more. Okay. All right. Two more or one more? Well, I'll let you choose.

Well, in classic me fashion, I'm desperate to get away from these listeners, so let's just do one more. This is officially the end of a podcast and we all know you don't like hanging around at the end of the podcast, so let's get the hell out of here. I'm going to stick around and just talk to these names that are hanging around here. I'm going to have a conversation with Isaac Northcote, Daniel Adam, Bailey Sweetapple, obviously.

Because you're the other extreme of the spectrum where people are giving you lifts home from a show, which is just so unbecoming of someone they've just paid money to see. Yeah. But to be fair, I'm not conscious of most of these. Oh, yes, I forgot myself. You're right. To be fair, yes. That's a very valid point to bring up.

To be fair, I spew in the back seat. I don't do that, but I'm not getting a lift of my own free will probably most of the time. Also, now these listeners are taking advantage of you. Okay, let's do one more. All right, one more. Let's do one more. Okay. All right.

All right. Okay. Well, this is interesting. Okay. Yeah, I was going to say. What have you got? Well, you know, I've already said tonight, have we read this one before or not? I'm not sure.

At least half of this one's familiar. So please give me the ding, give me the ba-bow if you've heard this before. If I've heard this before. If I've heard all of it or just the last name? Maybe go – maybe do – For each half. For each half. I'll do two in a row for each half.

Yeah, yeah. So if you've heard them both, go ba-bow. If you haven't heard either of them, go – No, but I'd have to go ba-bow, ba-bow. Ba-bow! Oh, Shane Bourne it. Right. Okay.

Do what you've got to do. All rightbow! Oh, Shane Bourne it. Right. Okay. Do what you gotta do. Alright. Shane Bourne on Family Feud. Ba-bow! So if I say it, ba-bow! Ba-bow! I love doing the impression of Shane Bourne because it's an impression of Dave Thornton's

impression of Lawrence Mooney's impression of Shane Bourne. We were talking about, because there's a listener of this show who we're a little bit obsessed with and it all comes back to this impression. There's a listener called Josh Papow. Yeah.

And he popped up on the socials and it reminded us and we sat there for about five minutes going Papow. And then we knew we were at Spleen and we knew we going to be seeing dave thornton in a bit yeah and he he turns up and then we just added in we were like dude bawdy and he's like he seemed a bit freaked out like we we'd been there talking about him behind his back yeah next time we get thornton on the show we should give him we should get him for a patreon read and just get him to do a thank you to Josh Papow. Josh Papow. But that's, I mean, look, no disrespect to Grant, friend of the show.

Get him out and get Shane Bourne in there. He's made for this thing. Wow. Interesting idea. Having said that, the fifth name that we've read tonight is not Josh Papow. No. No. We need to get this back.

So recalibrate your little system. So I'm getting ready. I'm going to do a ding or a ba-bow. Yep. I'm going to do two of them. Yep. Depending on which bits I've heard on this. Yes.

Okay, great. Here we go. Here we go. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Father Comedy. Ding. Mm. Ding. I've never heard either of these before. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, great. Yeah. Awesome. First time. Mm. Ding. I've never heard either of these before.

Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, great. Yeah. Awesome. First time. Right. I was a little bit worried there.

I thought I was losing my mind. I was just reading the same names out every week. Similar sounding names. Wait, how's comedy spelled? C-O-M-E-D-Y. Ba-bow. Oh, what? We've read dozens and dozens of them.

Okay. All right. Well, I'll take your word for it. So Father Comedy, would this be the same as Santa Comedy from a couple of months ago? Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm surprised you don't remember Father Comedy. No. He was at my wedding.

Ah. Yeah. He was doing the rites and everything up the front. Oh, this is like a minister. Yeah. Right, right. Yeah, yeah, front. Oh, this is like a minister. Yeah. Right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yes.

Yes. He took me round back and did some. What? Are we going to have to have a royal comedy inquest? Into the church of comedy? Did you? What do you mean? What happened?

Look, I don't care to go into it. If someone wants to issue me with a comedy subpoena, then I'll talk about it on the air, but until then... You don't want to go into the comedy confessional box or anything like that? No, I'm pleading the fifth. He seems so nice. I just assumed he sort of did his job that night and was hanging around the wedding and and you know there was a lot of friends of the show it seemed almost like a bit of a mini podcast out there yeah maybe he he then got on to the podcast

and then he started chucking in the money oh that's no i think based on what he did to me, I think this Patreon is hush money. Oh, no. And you've blown that. What? I can't believe that I've hired this man for my wedding and then he's done – well, you haven't described what he's done to you. No, I don't. I wouldn't wish to offend the listeners in that way. Okay. But –

Could I – Let me just say this goes all the way to the top. What? All the way to the Vatter comedy. To the top of your arsehole? What? Oh, you get it. Well, oh, man, I'm not cool with this.

I'll tell you what, next wedding, this guy is not going to be invited. This is the several, you've mentioned the next time you get married several times on this episode what are things okay they're fine okay yeah just what if you what if you had enough what if you genuinely did like renew your vows and have another wedding but it's like literally like two months on after you got married like yeah just back it up straight away yeah reboot it yeah yeah i reboot it with a better cast because as we all know, we found out the deadbeats that I'd invited along this time.

Yes. So I learned from that. I sent out invites. I not only put, you know, any allergies, any, you know, about food or anything. I put in a little sort of box going, how much are you going to put in? That's really good actually.

Yeah. Save the date. Yeah. You write back and then the invitation just never shows up. Yeah. And you know why. Yeah. Because you said you'd get a $10 present.

It's sort of a bit like eBay, like you bid. Yes. You put in your bid, what's it worth to come to this wedding. And you've got a reserve. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And it's like a silent auction. You don't have to say anything.

You just wait around and then you don't have to say anything you just wait around and then if you don't get the invite and all of a sudden you see on social media oh okay that seems nice and a lot of well-flushed people no one wearing fucking sandals at that thing yeah um yeah that's great all right that's that's that's booked in for number two great idea well very fun chat that we had after that horrific revelation that i brought up the back of that name guys thank you i you to everyone. I'm surprised you got over it so quickly once it got brought up. Yeah, life's too short. Yeah.

Guys, thanks to... If it really is, we would not be doing this fucking Patreon read. I've just got to bring that up. This is evidence that some bits of life are way too long. Guys, thanks very much to all of you who subscribe to the show on Patreon and to everyone who doesn't, go fuck yourself. Oh, I'm with you. No, thank you.

If you can afford to do so each month, we really appreciate it. But, guys, thank you to all of you who listen. Thank you to all of us, to all of you who say nice things to us out there in the great wide world. We've got a bunch of live shows coming up, littledumbdumbclub.com. Come check us out at our solo shows, at a live podcast. It's going to be an awesome couple of months. We'd love to see a bunch of first-time listeners.

Not first-time listeners, but first-time live show attendees. Long-time listeners, first-time callers. That's what we want. I'd love to see some, because, you know, we pick up new listeners all the time. We'd love to see some fresh faces in Brisbane, in Adelaide, especially Melbourne is coming up very fast approaching and we've got four or five shows there. So we'd love to pack those out very quickly.

Guys, thanks for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. It's not optional. You have to do it. We used more podcasts from our great mates. It's not optional. You have to do it. We used to go easy on it, but now you have to. Yeah.

Yeah.