The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 390 - Live! Mel Buttle, Guy Montgomery & Nick Carr

Episode Date: March 28, 2018

We're back in our favourite condemned cinema in Brisbane and we're joined by MEL BUTTLE, GUY MONTGOMERY & NICK CARR! Guy gives us the inside word on doing open mics in New York, Mel fields some questions about her super hot girlfriend and Nick Carr goes into training for this year's Koh Samui International Podcast Festival. PLUS we do it in the dark for a bit and get chased off stage! This episode is brought to you by Anne Edmonds and her shows 'No Offense, None Taken' and 'Helen Bidou: Enter The Spinnaker Lounge' at the Melbourne Comedy Festival. Head to comedy.com.au for more info and tickets!Don't forget, we have a bunch of huge live shows coming up:MELBOURNE: We've got a month of awesome live shows happening for the month of APRIL. KOH SAMUI: The Koh Samui International Podcast Festival is happening again in 2018 with guests The Dollop! JUNE 13 - 18. For tickets, merchandise, links to our Patreon and heaps of other stuff, head to our website: littledumdumclub.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dum Dum Club, the second of our live episodes from Brisbane with guests Guy Montgomery, Mel Buttle, Nick Carr and special cameo by Complete and Absolute Darkness. Yes! It's a real Earth Hour episode. You'll really, really tell the difference. Yeah. And also we should mention this week's episode of The Little Dumumb Club is brought to you by Anne Edmonds and Helen Bedoux. Two different people. Two different people. The gumption of them trying to get in on the same dollar. Usually we just have one person doing it, don't we? I know.

I don't know why we've allowed this double up to happen. But, yes, Helen Bedoux, her show, Enter the Spinnaker Lounge, 30th of March until the 21st of April at the Victoria Hotel. In Melbourne? In Melbourne, yes. Yes, we should say these are part of the Melbourne Comedy Festival. And, yeah, popular character from the Get Crackin' show who has a lot of similarities to a friend of the show, Anne Edmonds, who is also part of this ad.

Her show, a return of her show from last year, which is called No Offence, None Taken. She's doing three shows only, April 2, 9 and 16 at the Melbourne Town Hall. And, yeah, once again, tickets for both of those, comedyfestival.com.au. Edo in great form at the moment. Yes, we love Edo. Everyone loves Edo.

So absolutely no reason not to go and see her. She's, you know, this term gets thrown around a lot, funny bones. Yes. But she got them. I think you say that every time we talk about it. I do. You know why? I try to excuse myself because I actually hate the term.

Right. But then I go, oh, well. You use it many, many, many times. Well, that's the way that, I don't know how else to say it. Like how when you got a cat, you said, I don't want to be one of those people that talks about their cat on a podcast all the time. I don't think I do all the time.

It's pretty regular. So, yes, go check out Edo. I heard from someone who saw the end of her doing a preview of the Helen Bedot show in Sydney the other week, and they said it was very Edo. I won't give anything away, but the description of it sounded more like something you'd see edo doing in a drunk cast right then uh then a live comedy performance well i think i understand that

plus i reckon this probably if it's very edo there should be about four meltdowns within it as well so uh go check out edo in both of those shows at this year's melbourne comedy festival um on an unrelated matter the month of april is upon us, and that means that it's time for a month of Sunday afternoon live podcasts at the European Beer Cafe. It is us with super special guests. We've done these for many, many years now. They are always a highlight of the calendar year. Not the financial one, the calendar one.

April 1st, April 8th, April 15th, April 22th for absolute superstar guests, each and every one of them. 3pm on the Sundays. They're always so much fun. There's always super stupid things happen. We have a few nice little set pieces coming up and stuff. So, and Melbourne's our biggest

market per se, so come and pack out the room. That would be awesome. And look, you know what? We happen to be doing these shows at a time where, coincidentally, there's a lot of cool people in town and stuff, so this is really the time to come and see our live shows

in Melbourne. Some great returning favourite guests locked in for the first couple of weeks already, so yes, you can get a season pass, which means that you can come to all four for slightly cheaper. You can also get individual passes if you want. And then also we have the drunk cast on Sunday, April the 22nd at about 11 p.m. Yep. And if you have a season pass, you can get into that for just five bucks.

And after that… And guaranteed entry. Guaranteed entry, yes. And then after that, any room that's left, people with any individual tickets can get in for $10. Yep. So, look, if you listen to this straight away, as it's coming hot off the presses, go and get a season pass as your last chance

to make it worth your while, value-wise. And, of course, yeah, that's guaranteed. Stroll-up entry first into the drunk cast. There is limited space in there, so it means that you definitely will get in. Walk right in, sit right down. Go on. Get called a cunt for two hours straight.

Also, we have our solo shows. Mine is starting today, if you listen to this when it's come out. It's March the 28th until April the 8th at the Cooper's Inn. It's called Leisure Suit Tommy. Yes, I'm very excited about this show. That's at 8.20 every night and then also at the European Beer Cafe on April the 15th and 22nd at 6pm, following on from one of the aforementioned live podcasts

and starting on April 8th. Go on. Please. Please. Now, a certain solo show that I saw the script of the other day and I have to say I was blown away by. Great. You enjoyed it?

I did enjoy it a lot. Oh, that's good. Yeah, I thought it was really funny. Great. You know, it's one of those, it's like Hollywood actors talk about, you know, if something can make you laugh just on the page, then you know that you're sitting on dynamite. Okay, that's interesting.

I don't remember sending you the script to this show. I don't think you remember writing it. No, it's going to be very good. Carl Chandler's Shit List, and it is April 8th, goes to April 22nd. It is on 8.15 every night except for Sunday, of which it is straight after the live podcast that we're doing at 3 o'clock, so it's at 4.30.

All you have to do is stroll downstairs into the basement of the European Beer Cafe and continue on with the absolute magic. Downstairs from the podcast. So if you're a fan of letting gravity do its work, is this the show for you? If you're a ball and you see those stairs, just let yourself go.

Very, very little effort required on your part to get down. You could just stand at the top of the stairs and just slightly tilt forward. If you're anti-Isaac Newton, fuck off. Don't see the show. But if you obey his laws, come on down. Yes. Something I want to ask you about, about the blurb for your show.

Yes. The blurb claims. And look, I'll field this because I have no memory of writing it or what it says. The blurb claims that you're going to be counting down the 50 shittest things. Yes. The blurb claims that you're going to be counting down the 50 shittest things. Yes. The blurb also claims that the show goes for 50 minutes. Yes. Now, I can't

wait to see. Go on. Do you really reckon you'll get through all 50 in a lot of time? Yes. Why not? Why do you think what's your question? What do you think? You think I'll go too long? I don't think you'll get through 50 in what's meant to be a 50 minute you think I'll go too long I don't think you I don't think you'll get through 50

in what's meant to be a 50 minute show so every one of these things how angry can you be about something how shit can something really be if you only have

a minute worth of things to say about it but that's the difference between me and you so your things go for ages I've got one liners and stuff

that's how it happens okay so 50 shit one liners in this show. No. No. No. It's going to be – well, it's not like your show. It's not one 50-minute shit story.

Thank you. I'm glad that you acknowledge that we're different. No. No, yeah. It's fast-paced. It's 50 boom, boom, boom, boom, 50 subjects. Oh, a bit of boom, boom. Yeah.

Sex on stage. That's one of the things. Finally. One of the subjects out of the 50 is non-anal sex. I get very angry about it. I know you're not doing the hecklers this year, but can we do a special tribute night where I go and take a piss on Mike in the middle of your show?

Well, this is the thing I'm debating of whether I do or not. And I talked about this with a few other comics, is that maybe on the final night, on the drunk cast night, so it's the night of the final podcast the fourth podcast straight after is my show maybe we do a heckle version of the of the shit list oh right i dare say you'll be suggesting that on night one as well so i'm trying to get through 50 in 50 minutes plus people fucking yelling at me so that would be quite a show all right well i'll I'll make sure to have a big old glass of water. Just, you know, be ready.

Don't forget the gravity thing. When the great man calls up and asks me to take part in this show, I want that lizard in serious need of a good draining. Okay. LittleDumbDumbClub.com for tickets to the live podcast, our solo shows. It's going to be a great month. Come and check us out at both of those things. for tickets to the live podcasts, our solo shows. It's going to be a great month. Come and check us out at both of those things.

Enjoy this live episode from Brisbane with Guy Montgomery, Mel Buttle and Nick Carr and stick around at the end of the episode for another rousing rendition of Talking Dum Dum. Hey, mate, welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Daslow and standing next to me is the other half of the show, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickheads. I've just had a complaint from the Queensland State Premier that there is a big hole in their economy because Milan didn't turn up this year. Oh, guys, so good to be here in Brisbane, isn't it?

Just great. Guys, what's it like being in Brisbane? Do you know, I don't know if you guys have noticed, there's like a vending machine outside the porno. Shop over there. I mean, I don't know if this is hack gear at this point. There's KFC here as well. All right, mate. It's great to come to Brisbane

and engage in one of the favourite local pastimes, getting anally penetrated by a puppet, which... ..which I've just been partaking of for the last hour, so that was good fun. He seems so nice on the phone. For people at home, we're doing a back-to-back episode. Back-to-back episodes in Brisbane.

We just finished the episode that you heard last week with Agro. And what have you guys in the room been doing in the week in between? You're great. week with Agro. And what have you guys in the room been doing in the week in between? He was... Just everyone yelling different catchphrases now. Great. Kill yourselves. Tommy, I'm afraid that's not a catchphrase. That's just

advice. That's just advice. I, someone yelling out Westgate, which is a lovely thing to yell out. We don't do requests, sorry. I am... I just realised in hindsight... Story bridge! I'm staying directly...

From my room I can see the story bridge. I'm literally next to the story bridge. A bit of suicide pride going on in the room. The crowd, very lippy. It's like 5.30 in the afternoon. I know but it feels like we've been here all night

thanks to fucking aggro. Did that bend time for you? I felt like... I feel bad... You know what? There's nothing worse doing this... Than this podcast? Just a bit of inside baseball behind the curtain here.

There's nothing worse when you're talking and trying to do comedy than someone just going, yeah, is that all you fucking got? Yeah. Oh, how long have we done? Yeah. Oh, a minute fuck i yeah we i mean we came up here today to do this and i was feeling pretty bad about having to miss the gym but fuck i reckon i sweat more in that hour than i ever have at the gym jesus christ my abs feel tight from me sitting there going don't oh he's looking at me. Don't say anything else.

My whole childhood going up in flames. Oh, bring the cancer back. There's anything. I wish he'd said it on the show, but before we started the episode, we were sitting in the green room and Nick Cody went, yeah, I can't wait to get up there and get fingered by bookworm. And we said, say that and do it on the show.

And then I think just every, all of us just lost control of any kind of speech. He decided to say nothing instead for the hour. No, he did do a bit of prop comedy, so good on him. Yeah, that's what aggro was doing, is what's known in the biz as blocking. Yeah. It's like, in the intro, it's like, yes, and.

He was like, no, and kill yourself. I was a bit starstruck. I was like, oh, just, you know, I just want more of aggro, and no one else wanted to fucking get stuck into it so it's like all right well what else you got yeah i felt bad i felt like i should have gotten in more but like everything you were asking him he just fucking hated and he already hated me at a base level so it's like just anything i say is gonna piss this motherfucker off how fucking how cockish are we we We're getting... We're getting...

We're being mentally disintegrated by a fucking three-foot bit of felt. Well, what... Well, what happened up there? You literally got cucked by him. Agro's cucking connection. Oh, Cucky the Clown. I like the connection one better.

It's good. Let's just have a fucking breath and just... Yeah. Good thing there's no guests on this that are going to come out and completely cunt us or... They're all okay. Are they? Oh, there's one or two.

Or three, actually. I feel like we've got defences against these guys. These guys are fucking human. Yeah. That guy was fucking invincible. Yeah. It's like, oh, you're only a puppet. Yeah, I know.

Get fucked. Yeah, it's so hard to come back against because it's like he's jumping between like being the puppet and being a real person it's like whatever you he deflects onto the other thing and then we finish and he's like geez for that see ya straight out the door straight out the door um all right let's do a bit of mailbag, shall we? Yeah. Well, is this... Yeah, let's catch up on this because we're talking about our Facebook group, the people aware of the little dum-dum club group that some people are in.

Who's not in that group, by the way? Plenty. This will be fresh content for you guys. This is something that someone posted in there, and i don't know where this person is from maybe they're here but uh someone posted in there this week i just came back from a meeting to a note on my desk reading your ipads with hr there was an incident you need to call this number 0438 No The iPad had been in my locker but apparently someone was fooling around with their Bluetooth device which started the iPad playing the last thing I'd been

listening to, the beginning of one of the live little dum-dum club episodes from Melbourne Not too bad, it went into one of Tommy's little pornos and no one could get into my locker to make it stop So this person they got called into a meeting with HR because yeah went into one of Tommy's little pornos and no one could get into my locker to make it stop. So this person, they got called into a meeting with HR because, yeah, they're unaware. Their iPad is just blasting this show into the office.

And then they said, my aim of the day is to make HR aware. I'm told it was episode 320 and that the totally inappropriate workplace material was related to Tommy, Carl and his parents banging Thai hookers will confirm if and when they give the iPad back. One of the HR guys seems to be on my side. He said, my son listens to that rubbish

and wastes money seeing them do little shows of some sort. I think it's harmless. and wastes money seeing them do little shows of some sort. I think it's harmless. Currently waiting while they find something to pin on me. And then they got a text from their co-worker saying, heard the boss has found out about your podcast listing proclivities. See you, mate. So, yeah, then this person got called in and because of, like,

because of listening to our podcast at work over the speakers, they got called in and they had to go to sensitivity training. You mean sens-o-tivity training? I think about eight people already made that joke in the group, but good stuff. But, yeah, that is great. Like someone's someone's career being on the line because of this my first question what's it like to have a career yeah i was gonna say it's just nice for someone else to wreck their career with this podcast apart from us so if we go yeah that's the podcast where we go down and we take all of the listeners with us yeah look at least if we

get out to new listeners, that's good. That's what I'd love, anyone in that office. So HR are fuming. Meanwhile, there's just people sitting around going, this banging tie hooker stuff sounds like good gear. They're going to start subscribing. Can I, I want to say this. We got sent a message today on the way here and, you know,

on the day of the live podcast, a lot of people hit us up and you know excited about coming and all that sort of stuff and we appreciate you all coming. Someone hit us up and said this hey I'm on my way my partner of four years told me today he wants to leave me he'll be back

so I guess I've got a spare ticket if anyone wants it so which is a nice positive way of looking at it so there is someone there is someone on the prowl tonight guys so if only there was a way of

finding out who I think we just did physical Tinder. Yeah, look, I just don't think this is working out. I think we need to talk about it and seriously address what's going on. Cool, we'll have to do that in four hours because I'm still going to that live podcast that I have tickets for. Jeez, I wonder why it didn't work out. I've got a feeling that he went, we need to break up,

and then after the show it's like no let's get back together that was just an excuse to not fucking come to this other oh very good point so do we tell me this person or yeah right do you hobbies yep yeah look it's like anal What are your hobbies? Yeah, look. Did you say anal? Hang on, hang on. I think you heard what you wanted to hear. Now that's confirmation bias if ever I've seen it in action. Well, it's nice to have a hobby, I think. And also it's nice that you haven't made it a career yet.

It really takes the fun out once you go pro with it, I have to say. You don't want to be bored doing anal. You don't want to be like punching the clock going, hmm. Is that what they're calling it now? Just like the opening credits of the Flintstones, just... Yeah. You know when you're... It's a living. Sliding down the old dinosaur's neck, as they call it.

You know the old cliche of being out late at night? Sorry, guys, can't have another beer, got to get up early for anal. I had a few more Flintstones ones, but all right. All right. Chewable Flintstones? No. Get to the end. Time for me to go home.

Yabba yabba poo. Look, it's not great but I'm into it. I'm a man of simple tastes. I'm into it. Yeah. You can't hit a home run

if you don't swing. That's what I'm into it. Yeah. You can't hit a home run if you don't swing. That's what I'm saying. Alright. Is that all the fun stuff we had up the top? God, I love whatever this is. Yeah. It is comedy, isn't it?

Well, I mean, I don't know. If this is indeed comedy, then I'm happy to stand here and say I love comedy. Yeah, yeah. But I don't know. I don't want comedy, then I'm happy to stand here and say I love comedy. Yeah, yeah. But I don't know. I don't want to rush to any assumptions. Do you want to do a vote? Is this comedy?

Is there any objections? Does anyone want to pitch an alternative genre for what this is? Some people, the people who put their hand up then are like, no, this is stand-up drama. This is, this is some serious shit that's sort of making me sad. Oh, cool,

that's right, we asked the crowd to yell out. That was a good idea. No, I literally did. Yeah, I know,

I know. Man, you're not the one they got the fucking phone number of. I know what it's like. Okay, we're taking suggestions.

I heard the beach. Okay, here we are at the beach. What if we did... What if we come back? Because Brisbane are the most generous crowd, I think, in Australia. What if we... Yeah.

Yabba-dabba-poo certainly proves that. Be on the show of a doubt. That gets nothing in Adelaide, mainly because there's no one there to give anything to it. No, because the Flintstones hasn't started there yet. Ah! They're more of a honeymooners crowd out there. Did you just kick your wedding present from Nick Cody into the crowd?

I'll kick the other one into the crowd. Put your T-shirt on. No. I'm going to kick that into the crowd. Who wants it? All right, I'll chuck it out. Who wants the bouquet? Here comes the T-shirt cannon.

This is what I did on my wedding day. So here we go. I'm going to throw the bouquet and shut up. So here we go. I'm going to throw the bouquet and... Shut up. Target country. Fancy. Just a little bit of a preview for later on.

What are you yelling at now? Your what? It doesn't help when you... You've got a rip in your pants. You can see my ass. Oh yeah, I've got... My pants are all ripped, sorry. Fuck.

Don't take a photo of it, you fucking pervert. I was saving that for my wedding night and that's the only time it's been seen. Is it really that visible from there? Fuck, alright. How dare you sully the good name of this condemned brothel that we're currently in.

Let's get it up on the big screen. I want to get a look at the goods. Show me this. Is it that obvious? I haven't seen Phantom Thread. Is this what it's like? You're supposed to get a check out after 40. I'm going to count that as the check out. Oh yeah, have you gone yet?

I actually haven't. Well, not professionally. There's been a few amateur goes at it, but... Are you going to book in? Yeah, fuck, I better. Yeah. I think I better. Well, knowing you, this will happen in four years now. Yeah.

I really meant to do it, but I haven't done it. I've got to do it. We've got to turn it into a live event. Oh yeah, we've got to do that. Everything's content. Probe it. Hang on. Prove it. Yeah. Prove it.

Prove it. Someone's saying prove it, so, man, I'm more than happy. Whoever said prove it, I'm more than happy for you to get up on stage now and look into my arsehole. Oh, my God. Go on, then. Prove it. Prove it.

Prove it. Prove it. Prove it. Oh, my God. No, no. Ruben! Ruben! Ruben! Ruben! Ruben! Oh, my God. I can't believe I'm saying this, but get Agro back in here. No touching. Are you really a doctor or not? Are you really? Get out your doctor's licence. Show me something that says doctor.

Your driver's licence. Because only doctors can drive a car. He's wearing a t-shirt from a skate brand. This is the raddest doctor there's ever been. Are you really a doctor? I prescribe ten kickflips. Get the fuck out of here, loser. Are you a doctor?

Are you a doctor or not? Are you a doctor or not? Are you a doctor or not? Scouts on her? I'll give you a quiz. I'll give you a quiz. The guy that brought his wedding suit in Thailand is suddenly into the fucking... What's the technical name for the funny bone?

Oh, you fucked it. Get the fuck off my stage. Man, I was so ready for that guy to stick a hand up my ass. He said the ha-ha bone. I mean, it's a good crack. It's the humorous bone, you dumb cunt. Can't believe I nearly lost my anal virginity to that guy. Lucky I had my smarts about me.

Well, I have to say, for getting up at the start of this second episode with no plan whatsoever, it's panned out pretty well. Well, I'm a little bit disappointed I still haven't had my check-up, but anyway. After the show, yeah. Is there an actual doctor in the house?

Really? Across the road. No, that's Fanta. That's Dr Pepper. Yeah, fuck. Yes! I got it! Will you let an actual doctor look at your ass on stage?

Yes. Okay. You got one in the back? Oh, Okay. You got one in the back. Oh, you'll be getting one in the back, alright. But you don't want to do it on stage. Like, we can do it later. Is it a male or a female doctor? It's female. Well, we can do it on stage. Whatever.

Hang on. I got a way to accurately suss out if there's one here. Yes. All right. Traditional mating call. Right. Doctor? Doctor Ramsey?

Okay, they're all doctors. Okay. They all answered the call. Okay, everyone can have a finger. All right. Don't get greedy. All right, should we bring on some guests to this? Sure.

Folks, let's get our first guest out here. He is a great friend of the show, a very funny man. Please welcome onto the stage Guy Montgomery. What? What the fuck are you guys doing? Real dream to come up after 20 minutes of sort of ass play innuendo. Yeah.

I'm sorry. We didn't think it through. Don't they have comedy in your country? This is what it is here. This is an approximation of comedy. Certainly we don't have anything quite like this in New Zealand. Thank you. That's a very good put. You know, you've got such a high

calibre of audience, which I always respect about you. That's right, New Zealand is a barren wasteland, you ignorant fuck. Yeah, there's absolutely nothing in New Zealand You can't make fun of us for fucking sheep Then say we have nothing in the country Make the team How are you boys?

Good to see you Good to see you guys Thanks for winning them over before coming on Yeah, nice Sorry, we did open up Oh man Alright Sure, alright

The town hall meeting is over You're all getting gassed after the gig So make the most of this next hour Yes Yes Fuck Please, a little respect for someone who isn't a fucking puppet Alright

A little respect for someone who's wearing thongs on stage Guys, we really need to start respecting the barriers of what's going on here, okay? Yeah. All right, just be a bit cooler. Don't worry, we'll be crowd surfing in about 15 minutes, so just settle down. All right, well, that shut them up. Good.

Fuck. All right, yeah, we got a bit too excited too early. Guy, hey, thanks for coming on. Sorry about all this. Have you had the check, Guy? No, I haven't had the check. I'm still a young man of 29. When do you have to start getting...

Oh, fuck it, mate. I get it. I'm wearing sandals. I put them on myself, you fucking pleb. I've made a fine sartorial choice. Look at me. I'm turned out like a king. Yeah. This is the greatest T-shirt I'veorial choice. Look at me. I've turned out like a king. Yeah.

This is the greatest T-shirt I've ever seen. Look at that. A little work never hurt anyone, but why risk it? New Zealand. Yeah, and there it says New Zealand, which I like. That's a town you're from. Yeah. Very droll.

Oh, look, whatever's not that is good so you know thanks no thanks for going on because last time we had you on last year we had a lot of fun with you

and then you moved away you moved to America yeah yeah I moved to New York City in October oh the city that never sleeps

wow yeah the big easy yeah that's one they say. The Big Easy. Yeah, one of those is accurate and the other one's not too far away. New Orleans, Louisiana, baby. You know what they say in New York? A little work never hurt anyone. But why risk it? New York.

I don't think they say that in New York, do they? They say, hey, they say stuff like that. Classic New York. Yeah, it that in New York, don't they? They say, hey. They say stuff like that. Classic New York. It's vintage New York. So you moved from New Zealand to New York. You just need to live somewhere with new in the name? I'm afraid of established places. I want to get in on the ground floor of something.

When the rental market's good, you know. Don't want to live in any start-ups. Just want to get into... That's right. I want to get in while they're still figuring out what the vibe is and try and put my fingerprints all over it. Yeah, very nice. New York.

What have you established in New York? Oh, my God. It is so little. I've established that I'm actually not as charming or funny as I might have thought on arrival. Now, I don't know much about New York, but I know the key is, did you do it in someone else's way or did you do it in your way? Follow-up question, having not made it there,

do you think you can now not make it anywhere? made it there, do you think you can now not make it anywhere? I'm pretty sure I could flame out in any city in Cleveland. Look, I haven't gotten the New York tick of approval, but I reckon I can wing it. I'll have a crack. Okay. Alright. It's meant to be a follow on bit, alright? Yeah, I didn't

get it myself. I also couldn't follow the riff, but I tell you what the joke before that last one was a real ripper. If I was you, using my own comic sensibility, I would have probably left it there, but not our Tommy Dastolo. Look, life's a journey and you never stop learning and, you know, I'm happy to just

I'm just happy Agro's not here. Yeah. But you're in New York, so are you still permanently in New York? Is this a visit to here from New York? Yeah, so this is I'm pretty much I ran out of self-esteem and money pretty quickly

Which one did you run out of first? Ego And then so I've come back to the Antipodes To sort of replenish my stocks And then I'll go back after The festivals here to just go And piss it all away again Because we went and did some open mics in New York And I've got to say, it's fucking

No good It's crazy people Holy heck man The first show I did in New York City I was there and it was a Sunny afternoon Thank you for your establishing that it was a city and not the state I've been killing it out of town afternoon thank you for your establishing that it was a city and not the state yeah

I mean I've been killing it out of town upstate New York I'm the king baby you in Newark fucking boom they can't get enough of me

over in Jersey no I was a five dollar five dollars for five minutes you pay them five dollars to do five minutes which is you're aware this is the same rate

tonight yeah yes I'm paying to do this yeah You're aware this is the same rate tonight, yeah? Yes. I'm paying to do this? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's fine by me. It's probably just best to ignore the people who yell out, eh? Yes. They should be, you

get to yell out if you give us five bucks. I reckon that's a good deal. Is that a good deal? Give me the five bucks. Give me the five bucks. Give me the five bucks. This guy, fuck. You give me five bucks as well. This is the best. This cannot be sustainable.

It's a slight honour system to be fair, but... If you even get five, you know, the one five bucks... It's actually doing it. It's going to happen. No, he should. He's in the front row, so he should. He's a man of honour. He's a man of doing it. It's going to happen. Yeah, he should. He's in the front row, so he should. He's a man of honour.

He's a man of honour. You've got to respect this. Yeah, yeah. He actually, he's got glasses and a mustache. I think he's giving it to us in coins as well. You're $2 short. Yeah, he's trying to borrow money from the crowd. You're $2 short, plus you yelled out, which means now you're $7 short.

Put that on the stage now, please. Oh, this is great. Thank you. Oh, thank you. We're getting the whole $5. Oh, there we go. This is fucked. You guys are fucked. What is happening?

We're establishing a precedent. We're line-taming the crowd, so there's money to be made. If anyone wants to yell out, this is our new Patreon. This is great. Yeah. You're really playing with the form here. You just demand money.

We're playing with a very fucked form in a very fucked way. I wasn't aware there was a form. Yeah, I mean, it's sort of like a jazz riff on a beginner's night. Speaking of, let's go back to your gigs in New York. Oh, yeah. Fuck me. So anyway, I wanted to do a show.

I moved here to do comedy, so this is the only show available to me at the time. And so I go to this, I show up half an hour early and give the guy $5 to get my five minutes, thinking if I show up early, I'll get to go up early. And then I watch as a parade of sort of the least funny or happy-looking people walk through this room and give this man $5.

And then I sit for an hour and a half while I just get bumped behind every single other person who's met this guy before. And I'm messaging a friend saying friend sort of describing what's happening saying this is pretty demoralising actually, I don't feel very good about any of the decisions I've made recently and they message back saying so you paid $5

I said yeah, they go yeah it sounds like a scam it sounds like a very small scam and that hadn't occurred to me but it was a scam but I couldn't leave because I'd paid the $5 so I wanted to get my money's worth scam. And that hadn't occurred to me, but it was a scam. But I couldn't leave, because I'd paid the $5, so I wanted to get my money's worth. And after an hour and a half, someone got up on stage, and everyone's been

playing to deathly silence. Like, so, so quiet. And someone gets up. We understand what that's like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's true, actually. Now, why did that get a laugh for being the same joke

that he made you just won over by the accent that's what's going on I think they thought they had to pay five bucks if they laughed at my version

so and so this other guy gets up this guy gets up and even though everyone's been playing to silence he's playing to a

different brand of you know like somehow what was quiet is now brand of you know, like somehow what was quiet is now even quieter you know, there's somehow more silence in the vacuum and halfway through his set after I've been watching this parade of just, you know, fucking disasters for an hour

and a half, after two and a half minutes of his set, just audibly enough off microphone you hear him say to himself, oh I've got to start writing some of these down. You know, oh, that's all right. At least he'll take the hint and get off stage. He just leans back in, goes for another two and a half minutes

of even more silence until his five minutes is up, and then once again, just audibly enough into the microphone as he's walking off stage, goes, oh, Jesus. Why do I fucking do this to myself? Just levels the whole room. Literally the only laugh that's happened to this point. Then

I wait 45 more minutes to go up on stage to play to the four remaining shitheads who are still in the room. No one laughs at anything I say for four minutes. So I go, look, I moved here from New Zealand to do this. This is one of the most demoralising experiences of my life.

Thank you very much, everybody. I've been Guy Montgomery. I walk off stage and the host, who's watched this all unfold for two hours and 15 minutes, gets up, looks me square in the eyes and says to me, yep, well, welcome to New York, bitch. Fuck.

You New Zealanders think you're so fucking good. MC'd by Fred Durst himself. That's fucking awesome. It's incredible. Oh, man. Should we get our next guest out here? We totally should. Folks, great friend of the show.

Please welcome her up here, Mel Buttle. Totally should. Folks, great friend of the show. Please welcome her up here, Mel Buttle. Hey, boys. G'day. Hello. I love this hen's night vibe we've got set up.

That's brilliant. Now, you do gigs in, I mean, you live here. Yes. So you must have done some brutal... I mean, I feel like we're getting a bit of a brutal... There's a lot of love coming out here. No, this is a great audience. There's been no punch-ons. It's good.

But save your five bucks, guys, because as you would know if you're a local, Cross the Road Cabaret Club, $5 lap dancers. Yes, I did hear about this. They go for three minutes and you can talk all you want. Has it got a vending... Oh, someone's going.

Timmy's off. Someone's walking out going, I paid 50 bucks here, I did not get fucking 10 lap dancers. Just a minute and a half interning to yourself. This is so demoralising. Is there, at the front of a cabaret club, is there any soft drink on offer? Or is there any, because we've been talking about the porno place over there.

You can get a, you know, a Diet Coke out the front. Not like that out the cabaret? No, no, I don't think so. No, it's not free, mate. No, right. No, you have, well, you have to go in if they let you in. I've been turned away once. Oh.

Because I had the wrong shoes on. But once you're in, you're in. I've actually been there with a couple of male comedians who wanted to prove to me that they weren't gay. And so we went to the cabaret club. And that's a certified way of proof yep and they'll walk fucking come with me watch me enjoy these tits right because that's not guy and then I loved working on his show called surprise a few years later that was a very convincing Josh Thomas accent you just did that Yeah, fucking tricked you That's what he fucking

Please like me So I guess we all learned a lesson Oh, fucking hell Well, that's great Now that I've got I've got seven dollars on stage So that's nearly one and a half Like dancers over the road

That's three titties coming your way. Three titties? Fucking hell. That's very nice. Do you have any Brizzy questions while I'm here? Oh, Brizzy questions. Well, I was going to say, this is what I was going to say. We've been talking recently about the fact that comedians,

I think in the world of comedy, you're always like, you're always hitting, you're always batting out of your league, I think. Mel Buttle, extremely attractive girlfriend. Yeah, hoo-hoo, mama. Yeah, she's a former lingerie, swimsuit and catwalk model. Of course she is, I mean, showbiz. Have a fucking look around, dickheads. She's 27, I'm 36, but statistically that comes out.

That means I've got to buy her an Audi every five years to keep... Just keep baby girl interested, eh? I reckon I have one of the hottest girlfriends in comedy. I reckon you have number one. Oh, number one. And don't worry. He's not just saying that to you to be polite. He says it to me all the time.

Don't worry, I have a list. Well, you can follow Soph's Instagram because she doesn't have any issues with her body. More than happy to put that up publicly for my friends to like. I just see all the male comedians giving her tits a little bit of a like. Come to my show, you cunts.

She'll be there. You know who I reckon's pretty hot? I like the stunner. I'm a fan of Cody's Miss O, the stunner. You can't name your wife like you name your ute. S-T-U-N-8-E-R.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'm trying to think of a name for mine. So she feels left out because I'm always like, oh, look at the stunner. Oh, they've got a dog. Loving the stunner's dog. You know, what about this? What about this?

Onesie. Onesie? As in number one. Number onesie. Yeah, onesie. Onesie. That's onesie because i i used to that's good i i had a friend that um he used to call himself twosie because and and everyone would call him twosie and then i was like why do you call yourself twosie and he's like because i go when i go out i go really really hard apart from that guy. So I'm number two.

I'm into it. He knows his place in the world. Yeah, I know. I think I'm 2Z on this podcast. You've just got to be honest. You've come a long way, Tommy. You've come a long way in recent years. I love that New York stuff up until that weird bit.

The weird bit, yeah. That was gold. Thanks, mate. Yeah. Should we get our third guest out? Yes. Let's get him out here. Great friend of the show.

You would have heard him recently. Please welcome him to the little dum-dum club, Nick Carr. Brisbane's very own. I love it. I love it. Jesus Christ. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, no.

Okay. G'day, champ. All right, Nick, you need to get on the mic at some stage. You've really got to help us out here. Hi. Hey. Hey, Mel. Hi, Nick.

Sorry, Nick's come up with four beers. Yeah, I just thought I was really excited because you had me on the live show and I did a really good job running the door, so I thought I'd spoil myself and just got four beers. No worries. On an unrelated note, someone handed in a credit card. Is there a Grant Spring in the audience? Yeah, that's my stage name.

Grant Spring there? Yabba dabba, cheers for the beers, cunt. Spring there. Yabba dabba, cheers for the beers, cunt. Springsy. Oh, a new sponsor of the show, Grant. Yeah, nice. Thanks, Grant. Four beers worth. He's on the Patreon.

Yeah, yeah. He's on your Patreon by the look of it. Do you guys have a Patreon? Yeah. We do. We do. We may have mentioned it. Cool.

Why are your fans laughing at you for having a Patreon? Because it's internet begging, that's why. You literally just asked people for $5 cash on stage. For making a noise. Yeah, Patreon don't get a cut of that. But what's your top thing? You know, it's like five bucks, you can look at Tommy in the eye. Ten bucks, you know, Carl, reply to your Snapchat.

What's your... Top thing, Carl, stop subjectifying your girlfriend. I don't have a group chat. No, that is a compliment. So... It's a compliment. If a woman can't take a compliment on her beauty... Can't say anything nowadays, can you, Carl?

This bloody piece has gone mad. I did not like any of her photos, if that helps. No, no, you're fine now. I'm glad. Like, that's why I've got her. That makes it more sinister. You're obviously looking at them. Yeah, you want to, but you know that you can't.

What's the $1,000? Like the top paycheck? $1,000 is you can sleep with both of us. $2,000, you can sleep with one of us. Yes. It's more to separate us. Yeah. Okay. No one's taken us up on the offer yet, but I feel like tonight is the night, I feel like.

The night is still young. Someone's on their phone up there. Appreciate you coming to check out the show. What's the fee you have to pay for looking at your phone? Oh, fuck, five bucks. Everything's five bucks. Everything's five bucks. You're on your...

No, okay. Yeah, I think that's part of the promotion so you don't have to be on Patreon, the photos. Share those around. Maybe print them out and sign them for ten bucks. Yeah, I don't think we're going to get that what do you get in the page

I mean what could you possibly provide people that demands more money than what they get for being here we make a little magazine

what's so funny about that oh you're gorgeous hey for five bucks they get a magazine for five bucks, they get a magazine. For five bucks, you eat shit on stage. You should get on Patreon so you can afford fucking shoes to thong-wearing cunt.

I can afford shoes. I just choose not to wear them. Oh, no, it's going well for us. Nick, you just walked on stage with a Uber Eats bag. Yeah, I treated myself to more than just the beers. The credit card's going real well. Is that your food or is that our food? Well, it might be your food.

Someone just handed it to me. I'll be honest. That wasn't meant to happen, but okay. It's not meant to work like that. You don't know what's in there, right? No, I haven't looked. What we did was We thought So with the Costa Mui

International Podcast Festival Coming up now We have found out that Nick you are coming along You've decided to come along Off your own path Very excited But I kind of feel like

You know it's a long season Over there So you've got to get in training And it's a You know it's a mystical Place of the east over there So you've got to get in training. It's a mystical place of the east over there. You've got to get ready. So we've got you some spaghetti.

Sweet. Because Milan's not here this year, we're getting you to do shots of spaghetti. As we're doing this podcast, there's your first spaghetti. We'll bring you the others when you're done with that one. We've got more in here.

I'm nothing if, like, a dedicated athlete. So I will train hard. I just accept the responsibility. I'm going to get in this. And we should point out, like, I had to pick a place that just had the shortest delivery time because we were obviously on a schedule. And the restaurant that we got this from had a 3.2 star rating on uber eats yeah it's it's rare that you see one below a four isn't it so yeah looks good um it doesn't really go for that

two star shit it's two stars more than necessary but yeah yeah it really doesn't matter at this point whether it's good or not you got another four of those to get through so fucking get ready mel can you help me with that? Thanks, Mel. I think the styrofoam container that it's in might have cost more than the ingredients that are in it if they've got a rating like that. It actually looks very similar to pretty much every spaghetti

I had in Thailand. I wasn't aware that the Royal Brisbane were on Uber Eats. Why are you preparing for a trip to Thailand by eating spaghetti? Well, this guy gets it. Guy, Guy, please. If you want to know our questions like that, you should have read our little magazine. Guy, sit down and listen.

Nick Carr came to the first international Koh Samui podcast festival and he did... Was that the only international podcast festival thus far? Yes. And the only podcast on it. And Nicar did nothing but eat spaghetti in Thailand for a week. So that's why he needs to do pre-season training right now. No, no, no, no.

This is just... For some reason, you eating looks more cartoonish than anything Agro did in the last show. This is your first one, so this is technically just stretching at this point, Nick. Don't pull anything. Hey, so we talked... You heard the man.

Don't jack off while you eat that spaghetti. It's five bucks if you're going to do that Alright, so this is what we talked about a few weeks ago on the podcast We had an episode where we had the lights off And it sort of didn't matter, I guess, if you're listening But it felt like we got a different vibe And I did say at the time, when we go to Brisbane, let's do a lights out podcast Yep, let's do a Me Too episode.

All right. What do you think? People in the room already begging for the lights off just so they don't have to witness this disgusting display. Did you just move further away, Mel? Yep, just shuffling away from the... There's more spaghetti on the floor than there is in your fucking mouth. I got a bit on my pants too.

Grubs. Absolute grubs, a lot of you. All right, so can we, let's try. Let's try some lights out. Ooh. Yes. Oh, yeah. All right, all right.

Pull yourself together. So we're all in the dark now. Does this feel cool? Is this good? Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.. So we're all in the dark now. Does this feel cool? Is this good? Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. Now that we're in the dark. Shush, shush, shush. Shut up, cunts.

I think this place... Shush, shush, shush. I think this place might be haunted. Can you guys hear that? Can you hear that? Yeah. Can you hear them interrupting our podcast? We're going to owe so much to APRA after this. Oh, that was a Paul Foot reference that went over everyone's head.

Absolutely worth it. That's the sound I make when I eat spaghetti. I feel like... Who said that? So, anyway, just a reminder, you paid money for this. But, so, we're all in the dark. Don't fucking ring me. I need my phone. Aeroplane mode.

Fuck you. It's finally worked out how to turn it on after four years. Alright, alright. We're going to do some ghost stories, alright? I'm scared. Are we ready to be scared? I'm scared. Guys, are we ready to be scared?

Wait, let's go down the line. Guy, are you scared? Yeah, I'm very scared. Mel, are you scared? I'm scared. Here we go. Nick Mel, are you scared? I'm scared. Here we go. Nick Carr, are you scared? I'm just trying to eat my... He could be eating anything.

Here's some ghost stories. Tommy and Carl jumped. Did you hear something, said Tommy? It was probably just the wind, Carl nervously replied. They tried to peer through the darkness. Please, Carl, can you check? I'm too much of a piece of shit, scared little fuckhead, stupid cunt who pisses his own nappy to look, said Tommy.

And by the way, thanks for writing this ghost story. It is genuinely my pleasure, said Carl. Bang, Another noise. They both looked at each other nervously. They had heard something. Both too scared to move, they looked around the room. Wait! What was that?

Was that a voice? They were not alone. Carl combed a cobweb away from his eyes. Was that a voice? They were not alone. Carl combed a cobweb away from his eyes. Is there someone there? A voice shot out of the dark. Yeah, look, I know I'm the only one here,

but is this Adelaide Live podcast actually going to start soon or what? Where's that clapping sound coming from? All right. Are you guys too scared for another one or...? Actually, this is good. I like this. I like this. All right. If no one's...

If everyone's still cool, if we're not too fucking... Oh, no, someone's scared. Can still see the walkouts. That's brutal. Get the fuck Oh, no, someone's scared. Can still see the walkouts. That's brutal. Get the fuck out of here, you chicken shit! Go and tell your mummy. All right. Someone get a blue light out and see how much sperm there is in here.

How is sperm? Yeah. All right. Next one. Stop laughing. This is scary. I'm still scared, by the way. Scare-ward.

Yeah, are we scare-ward? You're not? Oh, someone's tough up the front. I'm not that scared. All right, Hulk Hogan. The definition of a not scared person. That laugh is scare-we. Yeah.

Stop scare-owing us. You're putting this comedy podcast off by laughing so much. Oh, God. Fucking hell. Keep it down. We're trying to be funny. This is cool coming to Brisbane. We don't have darkness in Melbourne,

so this is genuinely exciting. Does this count as Earth Hour? Shut up! It's the ghost of callbacks past. Can someone take a picture of us? Alright. Ah! God.

Alright, alright. Wait, Kyle, how are you going with that spaghetti? Yeah. Do you need another one? Do you need a refill? Refill? No, it's hard to eat it with the microphone. Shut the fuck... Well, you're not talking.

Just eat. Fine, alright, alright. Alright. It's cost me fucking $70. You've got to eat all of them. Eat the spaghetti. It's one-fifth of your spaghetti. Can't wait to claim five tubs of spaghetti bolognese on tax.

All right. Guys, stop having fun. It's time to get scared. No photos. Someone's taking a photo of black. Hope it comes out alright. Alright. Here we go.

Silence, please. Bit of respect for the art. You shut up now! I call to order this meeting of the Midnight Society. Go. Alright. Carl screamed He sat bolt upright

His face drenched in sweat Momentarily He didn't know where he was Wait He was in bed Oh thank fuck It was just a nightmare He went to mop his brow

Wait What was that on his finger? A ring? That was no dream He went to mop his brow. Wait, what was that on his finger? A ring? That was no dream. Ah! Oh, Guy likes that one. You've got a beautiful turn of phrase, Carl. Thank you.

Well, I enjoyed writing that on QF123 on the way up here to Brisbane today or wherever the fuck I was. Man, this is cool. I really like doing this in the dark. This is as I like doing most of it. And because you can accurately see exactly who's looking at their phone. Yeah. Why get in the front row if there's something more interesting

on your phone than this thing? Who's enjoying being in the dark? Who's not enjoying it? Two hands went up there. Yeah, well, fuck you. Even though it's dark, they still chose to communicate. What about this, guys? I'm going to check in.

I'm still scared. You're still scared? Yeah? I'm going to check in. I'm still scared. You're still scared? Yeah, I'm scared. What happened there? What just happened? Look behind you, Carl. They're doing animal puppet. Ah.

Fuck. Someone's doing finger puppets. All right, hit it. Turn off all the lights, guys. That's it. You can't be trusted. Guys, turn off all the lights. We don't want any lights in here.

Oh, here we go. Turn that other light off at the back. We don't... This is not a place of fun. This is a comedy show. Turn that light off at the back. Sorry, Carl. Can't wait to find out. What

is this like to listen to at home? Is this any good? No! My voice is screaming about lights. Yeah, alright. Guys at home, just so you know, the entire theatre is completely black now.

It's now pitch black. It's now pitch black. Carl, sorry, I need a refill. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, get him. Well, if I can find any spaghetti, you can have it. That's five bucks. Yeah, that's five bucks.

Throw it in some direction. I've got to be honest. I thought I was scared before. Now I'm even more scared. This is mega scared. All right. This is... We can say anything.

Someone just opened the door and some light came in. I'm melting! Don't feed us after dark. So, let's... It's gremlins, you idiot. Oh, okay. This feels good now. I think this is starting to feel good.

We're all. Finally. Took an hour, but now it's starting to feel good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This would have been way better if we had been completely dark and had a fucking ventriloquist dummy before. That would have been sweet. Close that door.

There's too much light coming in. So do you feel relaxed now, Tommy? I feel really relaxed. Whose hand is that? I feel like we could say anything to each other now. Five bucks. It's real fucking good. Nick, Nick, now that we're all, you know, we can't see each other,

you can tell us your innermost secrets if you like Yeah, alright Have you ever done something so bad that you can only release it in the dark like this? I've got a couple of ideas You've got a couple of bad stuff Is us making you eat spaghetti one of them? Yeah, I'm getting pretty full, honestly. Yeah, it's a bad idea.

Oh, stop lying. You've got three more to go. Three more to go. I'll do it. I'm a champion. I've got some stories to tell you. I've got some stuff. I'm feeling relaxed.

I'm feeling into it. I feel like I can trust you guys. This isn't going to go badly. Stop laughing. This isn't funny. This is Stop laughing This isn't funny This is Nick Carr Oh now this place is definitely haunted All the booze in here Do you think every gig that you've done

Has been in a haunted house? Yeah, because I assume everyone that's walking out is a ghost as well. Nick? Yeah? Okay. Five bucks. I'll get naked. No?

You just want to hear a secret? You want to hear a secret? You want to hear a secret? I want to hear a filthy secret. Something that, because it's a duck, we don't know whether you're saying it or Mel Buttle's saying it or who's saying it. Yeah, we'll never know who's saying it, will we? I think that's genuinely true between me and Mel because of the voices, but sure. That is true.

It could be Nick Carr with the absolutely smoking hot girlfriend. Who knows? It's not. I have made Mel's girlfriend uncomfortable on several occasions. Have you? Oh, no. Brisbane Open Mic comic. Isn't that part of the deal?

Making Sophie uncomfortable? Well, do you have autism? I'm trying to work out to narrow it down to which 150 people you could be talking about. I don't know what's in this spaghetti. I don't know. I might have some autism by the end of it. Nick Carr. Yes.

Secret. You want to hear a secret? I want to hear a secret. Okay. I don't want to hear you've got autism. I want to hear a secret. Who's going to catch autism from the spaghetti? That's a bombshell.

Spaghetti causes autism. All right, Looney. Bombshell. Spaghetti causes autism. All right, Lunick. If spaghetti causes autism, it must be a real super Ronny Chieng brothers. All right. That's stretched too far.

Nick Carr. Secret. All right. Recently, I was pretty drunk at a strip club and I told a stripper that she smelt like a Billy Joel song sounds. We didn't start the fire.

And how did that go down? She was lovely. She was lovely. She liked it. Yeah. She was a fan. Can I ask? I'm sorry.

It's hard to talk with spaghetti in my mouth. Oh, I understand. Were you in a lap dance situation? Yeah, 100%. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. 100% of a lap dance. And what did you actually mean by that?

I don't know. I was just trying to tell her she was nice. I don't know. And what, are you a big Billy Joel fan? Yeah, I'm a huge Billy Joel fan. So it's a massive compliment. Yeah, I mean. Does the dancer have this context?

Sorry? I mean, does the dancer know how you feel about Billy Joel or is it just you sweating on her, telling her that she smells like a Billy Joel song? Yeah, yeah. Is it just you saying to someone with all their clothes off, you sound like AM radio to me? It was a good song.

Like Uptown Girl or something upbeat and nice and fun. Yeah, she was fun. She's definitely going to run away with me and let me save her. So that's... What was her stripper name? Do you remember? Allentown? The Downeaster Alexa.

Because I'm on... It's a Billy Joel song reference. Her name was Eva, I believe. She approached me at a gig. She came to a gig just one night. Yeah, yeah. She's like, do you remember me? I was like, no.

And then I get up on stage and I got two words in. I was like, oh, yeah, I remember her. Yeah. I said some fuck stuff to her. Was the song that got you into Billy Joel scenes from an Italian restaurant? A deep cut. Thank you. That's good.

That's good. There was like 200 people who didn't appreciate it at all and one person said, that's good. I'll take it at this point. Which also means that's the first joke over the course of this particular episode that that person is enjoying. I'm feeling good in the dark. No?

I'm feeling good in the dark. No? Why is the one guy keep saying get naked? I swear to God, seventh time's the charm. What about you, Guy? Have you got any embarrassing stories that you can only let out in the dark? I'm scared.

Shut up, everyone. I appreciate the suggestion. Nothing specifically springs to mind. My most embarrassing memory that I sort of used to bury deep down was my first time attempting sexual intercourse. Tell us more about yesterday. Shit, dude. Look, if you guys could find where I was, you'd be high-fiving me.

And just because it's in the dark, I should point out it was me, Tommy Dasolo, that said that, Great Burns. So I turned off the lights, I took off my sandals, and climbed in a bed. I paid my sandals. Come on, then a bit. I paid my five dollars. Hey, guy. Hey, Mel. What was the bloke's name?

Yes! Fuck yes! Dude, fully imagine being gay. Fuck you. Someone just clocked comedy. I have been well and truly roasted, you guys. This is inspiring stuff. The exit sign is allowing me to see that Nick Carr

is just fully going the growl on that bowl of spaghetti right now. I think Nick Carr is having his most sexual experience for a while. It's the only other sexual experience I've had in a long time when there's someone else in the room, so that's good. Alright, you know what? Let's cut to the chase. We've got to finish this episode. Oh, really?

I want to hear about Guy busting in that. Oh, sorry, yeah, yeah, go, go, go, go, Guy. I'll tell it at pace, which is probably the only way to tell the story. Tell it in real time, so it'll take a minute to get through. Act it out. No, even... More or less, I was lying down with the... The...

Yeah, yeah. Oh, mate. There was one comedic stone that remained unturned. Mate. Motherfucker. We're going to need that in New Zealand currency as well, the five bucks. And things were escalating quite nicely and I was becoming incredibly excited. Oh, hell yeah, brother.

And within 30 seconds I was all too excited and I exploded in my trousers. And it was so deeply humiliated and embarrassed. This was in the university hostels. Instead of just saying, hey, so you know. I mean, there's no point talking to a sheep where he is there, but you know. Instead of saying, hey, so you know, I've come in my trousers. I instead said, oh, I've just remembered, I actually I need to Skype my friend

who's in Wales right now and just left the room and then did a lap for five minutes pocket full of jizz walked back in there anyway, yeah.

It was not how I imagined it might happen. Oh, that's great. An old pocket full of jizz. I love that spin doctor's album. Isn't that your show name, Guy? Pocket full of jizz. Come and see Brisbane Comedy Festival. Pocket full of jizz till Sunday.

All right, all right. I feel like we're running out of time. We actually have to be out of here. Like, I was going to say really soon, but what I mean is actually... Ten minutes ago. Ten minutes ago. Yeah. Well, we got a certain...

We'll go straight to our big closer, which is an episode of Australia's most longest running... ..and popular radio serial, a little thing we like to call, because it's its name, Rad Dad. Let's hear that theme music. No lights on. Let's hear that theme music.

If we can get that theme. There we go. There we go. There we go. That's sick. Thank you. Let's Rad Dad here. Don't get upset that there's no lighting.

We are literally doing no gymnastics in this script. Cat and a dog, now see me be a rat. Your cat's alive, yeah. I think I have the wrong thing. I have ghost stories. I'm rat. He's the rattest dad in town. Rat.

I'm assuming I'm playing the girl. Unless we're going to really bust some gender myths today. You are playing a character called Mel, I believe. Okay. Well, Jenny, here we are in the dark. Just a reminder to anyone in the audience that they're free to leave if they don't like the sound of this first line already. It's not going to end well.

This is actually the only non-fucked bit right here. Well, Jenny, with the lights off, I feel free. I feel like I could finally be honest, Jenny. I can now tell you my deepest desires. And I think that you, and perhaps hypothetically if there was like 200 people here, none of you are going to enjoy hearing this. Just a reminder, even with the lights off, CSI Brisbane have those sperm torches so they can still find you. How is sperm?

Anyway, I've had a sexual desire burning within me for a long time, Jenny. I've never spoken about it because some people would consider it to be taboo. And that's just the people I hang out with in Thailand. Who knows what normal people in Australia would think. Please stop. Jenny, I'm about to tell you who I want to have sex with.

Oh God, don't say it. Jenny, I want to have sex No! with No! The next thing I say will be the thing I want to have sex. No. Whiz. No. The next thing I say will be the thing I want to have sex with. Oh, God, we're going to go to jail.

The very next thing. Oh, for fuck's sake, just say it already. The farting dog from the Mambo T-shirt. Oh, thank God. It feels so good to finally say that out loud here in the dark. Also, you've said it heaps of times when the lights have been on. You say it most nights just before dinner. I'm struggling to think of any other phrases that you ever say, actually. Tell me, Rad Dad, why do you want to do that anyway?

Well, I just think it'd be pretty cool to stick my dick up there and be known as the guy who physically finally got the Mambo Dog to stop farting. I'd be, like, in the Guinness Book of Records for something other than the number of deportations from a Thai island. Anyway, you're a six-year-old girl. Do you have any ideas for how I can achieve my dream of having sex with an iconic

household pet? I have a friend who's been walking dogs for a little while. Maybe she'd know how to make this happen. Oh, here she is now. Hey, Jenny, it's me, your teenage friend Mel. I've recently been walking the farting dog from the Mambo T-shirt and was wondering if you knew of anyone who might want to fuck it.

Jesus Christ! I just knew today was going to be a good day. Hey, but don't take my word for it. Why not ask the dog himself? Hello. I just knew today was going to be a good day. Hey, but don't take my word for it. Why not ask the dog himself? Hello. I'm the farting dog from the Mambo T-shirt. I won't tell you my name for some reason.

Wow. I mean, I didn't have any problem with fucking a dog, but that accent is a bit of a deal-breaker. People always ask me what I've been up to since appearing on a popular t-shirt in the 90s, and the answer is simple. I've been getting fucked on a daily basis by 40-year-old men. Oh, alright, mate. We have all got stuff going on, champ. Brad, Dad, if we could get this over and done with, that would be great. The priest from my local church is coming around, And I'd hate for him to witness any of this You heard the girl

Let's get down to brass tacks Get that Phuket custom stamped Doodle out and chuck some power On it mate Reg Mombasa's finest creation Is not going to fuck itself Woof woof Wow he even does dirty talk

Now look I'm just a little bit nervous Because there's two people watching me Which is significantly less people Than the audience I had last time I bummed a dog Now it's a little bit kinky To not be doing it on top of a bar in Thailand With hundreds of barred banks stuck between my arse cheeks as I do it, but I guess I'll try anything once.

Woof, woof. Have we gone too far with this? I wonder, I feel like. I said fucking wolf cunt. Well, no turning back now. Time to commit full-on penetration of an animal and there is seemingly... ..absolutely nothing that can stop me.

I knew I should have signed with Hot Tuna. Hey, nine years ago, I could have just ended up being useless sperm inside a greyhound's bumhole. So we've all got regrets, mate. How is sperm? Anyway, let's do this. Zip. Wait, wait, wait. Are you just saying zip

or are you unzipping your pants? It's unclear, but here we go. Wait, wait, wait. Stop that attempt at rooting Australia's next addition to its coat of arms. It's me. It's creator Reg Mombasa. Am I meant to be doing this with an accent? No. He's from Australia, so you're doing it with an accent.

Sweet. Holy shit, it's a Robert Downey Jr. Senior to that dog's Robert Downey Jr. I have a clause in my contract with Mambo where any of my creations cannot have deep, medium or shallow anal sex with any of my creations. So now you have to stop or you'll break the law. Shit. Look, Reg, even without that, fucking a dog is against the law. So, yeah, we all welcome your intervention, but let's be clear.

Your dog fucking claws is not some genius act. You're welcome. Wait, don't I know you from somewhere? I don't think so. Didn't I meet you in Thailand? No. Didn't I see you doing something dodgy in Thailand yourself? No, I've never been there before in my life.

You fucking liar. I remember you now, you dirty cunt. I ain't saying it. You were the one I saw inside Pizza Hut eating a full tray of carbonara. Oh, I'm on the wrong page. I just didn't remember mentioning at the time to the sausage dog I was balls deep in at the time. You sick fuck, Mombasa.

Giving Aussies a bad name abroad, you are. Well, I feel like we should all be proud of ourselves and the work we've done today. If we're ever going to get on the gala, we can trace it back to this and I guess everything's all been wrapped up in a neat little parcel. All except one little detail.

I'm a dog who was promised a fucking and I have not received Sid a fucking. Who's it going to be? Well, if there's any fettuccine up there, I'll give it a crack. Oh, Rich Mombasa. Thanks, everyone up there, I'll give it a crack. Oh, Red Bomb Bassa. Thanks, everyone. Guys, that is the end of the podcast.

We are being... We've got to wrap this up right now. Big round of applause. Nick Carmel, Guy Montgomery. Thanks so much for coming out. We'll see you guys next time. See you, mate. And welcome back, everybody, once again to another edition

of Talking Dum Dum. Wow, you feel really – it feels really relaxed. Like we're in the Dum Dum Lounge. It was listening to all that stuff in the dark really put me at ease. Should we do it? Let's go behind the curtain. Yes. About that episode? Yeah. Right. Okay. Go on.

So what's been happening because when people are hearing this, we've done our two live Adelaide episodes that people are going to start to hear from next week. And what typically happens now that we do these runs where we do two episodes in the one show, first episode, very structured.

We have a lot of gear written. We think we have two episodes worth of gear written. We tend to burn through it all in one. So that's a very kind of structured, flowing episode. Second episode, people have a few too many drinks in the break and it becomes very, very very loose as people have just heard. No need to describe this you get it from what you've just heard

in this particular case we were under real time constraints from the venue. Yes we were told we had to be out at a certain time of which I said of course we'll be finished by that time because if I know anything about this podcast is we had to be out at a certain time, of which I said, of course we'll be finished by that time. Because if I know anything about this podcast,

it's we run to time. Yes. Everything happens exactly as it's meant to. So towards the end of this episode, people may have noticed that the speed at which we were speaking increased quite dramatically, and that's because we had the owner of the venue standing at the front of the stage,

but like what, basically pointing at his watch. Running at the stage, I would have said. Running down the stage. It was like a cinema. It's an old cinema. So you're running down the aisle. Yeah. Running, shaking his fist, Fred Flintstone style or something.

Yeah. Pointing at us. Yeah. I don't know if he was doing the pointed finger across the neck as in the slit the neck or he was doing something. I think he was doing all, I think he neck as in the slit the neck or he was doing something. I think he was doing all – I think he thought that we just had never seen any kind of sign language before. So I think there was a bit of watch pointing.

There was some neck slitting. There was just like – just anything – Waved in a few aircraft, I believe, at some stage. Yes, yes. Anything he could think of to get us to shut the fuck up and get out of his room. And listening back to it now, I regret just not holding our ground. I really wish we had just called him, just gone,

do your worst, pal. Well, I'm on his side because, to be fair, when we did clear out, we got 200 people out of there buying beers and then the band that followed us, which had at least 13 people in the crowd, I could see his point, to be fair. But, I mean, you've got to have a bit of respect for Regurgitator, one of the greats of Australian rock music. I can see why Powderfinger broke up now.

They do not draw a crowd. Having a cop shit like that halfway through my happiness. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking wind it up, guys. But, yeah, fun day, fun afternoon. Particularly loose this one, but a good time. Yeah. That joint dead now, so that's good.

It dead? Oh, has it officially happened? No, maybe in a week or two or something like that. But yeah, look, they were, I'm going to say it, we're not going back there, so I don't have to worry, but they were very difficult to deal with. Not that that's ever stopped you before about mouthing off, but sure. They were very difficult to deal with um not that that's ever stopped you before about mouthing off but sure they're very difficult to deal with and uh that's we were a bit worried about moving venues and stuff like that and uh anyway once we dealt with them then i understood why they're fucking closing down so that cinema was just one of the most disgusting rooms i've

ever been you were really really physically violated by going in there, I think. Yeah, I mean, there were bottles all over the floor. There was a seat in the front row that had the back just gone from it, like dead centre in the front row. I went to pick up just an old doona that was lying next to the stage. A dirty old doona. Yeah, and about four cockroaches came running out from under it. So, look, I don't think I was being unreasonable in my complaints about the state that the room was in.

And also, when we walked up on the stage, it started creaking like an old haunted house. Like, I thought, once we get five of us on here, this thing's going to cave in. Like, something's going to happen here. I liked it. You liked it? Yeah. Wow, Like something's going to happen here. I liked it. You liked it? Yeah.

Wow, you've changed your tune. Yeah, I liked it now. No, I physically liked the venue actually just because it was so shit. I'm like, cool. Because like if you go in a nice place, you're like, oh, we're going to break something or, you know, when we're in the opera house, it's like we're teeing off in the opera house going, this feels wrong.

But see, that's my point. I think that's changed me where I'm like, fuck, it would be nice for that to be part of a more kind of like upward trajectory of venue instead of this like fucking stock market crash of us going from the nicest room in the country to

possibly the worst. I don't think you could get a more dilapidated room than that one. I feel like if we had gone out the back, there would have been like chained up Filipino slaves or something. Like it was something wrong going on. Yeah, I wouldn't go that far. I think the Filipinos would be free to, you know, do what they want.

They're still within a cage, but they're not like chained to the ground. Okay. Yeah, I'm going to give them that much credit. Oh, nice. Free range. Well, you've changed your tune now. La-di-da. So, yes, this is the part of the show where we expand upon a couple of things

that we have talked about earlier. Yep. So, the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival, which is coming up in the month of June. You can find details about that on our website. It is four days of podcasting, beach-related activities. If you are coming over or even if you are just planning a holiday separately to that, we have a deal going at the moment with our friends over at STA Travel.

You're going to need to talk into your mic. Yeah, well, I've got it right here. What are you worried about? Yeah, absolutely. We've got STA Travel. So if you want to go, if you've left your flights until now, or especially if you've got travel insurance that you need to get, and everyone does need to get it.

You do. Let's be responsible. Let's be grown-ups. Go and get it. So if you want to go through STA Travel, who have been very nice to partner up with us, please go through them. And the way that you can tell them that you come through Little Dumb Dumb Club is by going through a particular phone number and email address

that they have given us. So if you want to go and get accommodation or flights or travel insurance, please ring 1300-886-557. That's 1300-886-557, which is our own personalised Little Dumb Dumb Club hotline into the STA. Or email tlddc.au at statravel.com. That's tlddc.au at statravel.com, which stands for the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Get a deal. Find what you want online. Then go to them.

Get them to match your price or just get them to guide you through whatever you need. And that would be awesome. Help the people who are helping us out. Excellent stuff. And look, should we reveal this? This is the bit of news. This is the Coastal Moody International Podcast Festival News Corner. Cancelled.

Sorry, guys. Oh, fuck. I didn't even know that one. That's news to me. So if you are coming or you're planning on going, corner. Cancelled. Sorry, guys. Oh, fuck. I didn't even know that one. That's news to me. So, if you are coming or you're planning on going, we've been talking about this for a fair while. We are finally going to go on Roadshow. We're going to go on the

Koh Samui International Podcast Festival Roadshow. Now, we've got the date confirmed. We've had that confirmed for a while. That is June 19. Of course, the regular festival is the 13th to the 18th. Now, on June 19. Of course, the regular festival is the 13th to the 18th. Now, on the 19th at night, I believe 7pm, we are going to do the road show on the island of Copenhagen, which is about a 30-minute ferry ride from Koh Samui. So, we'll all be heading over.

And we have a venue confirmed, Tommy. Excellent. Yeah. We have a venue confirmed. It's 7pm and we'll be doing a show. The Copenhagen Performing Arts Centre? Copenhagen Town Hall? No.

Copenhagen, the KPCG, the Copenhagen Cricket Ground? No. No, not that. What are the Copenhagen players doing that night? Do they have like a theatre where they regularly perform their improv shows and we can let them off the hook for a night? Copenhagen improv. Yeah.

No. We are performing. We are doing a roadshow gig. Finally, a roadshow gig. We're doing it at a place called The Jam. Nice. Yeah, The Jam on Copenhagen. So it is a – it looks like a fucking cool venue.

I'll put it up on the it does look good yeah I'll put it up on the on the socials but they I've told them all about us I've told them what

our podcast is so I haven't heard back after that yet okay and this is still confirmed in spite of you not receiving a reply no no no

they love it they love it so and there is like an open mic happening after it so maybe oh really yeah

wow maybe we'll be able to so I don't know you know we've been talking about having this band And there is like an open mic happening after it. So maybe. Oh, really? Yeah. Wow. Maybe we'll be able to. So I don't know. We've been talking about having this band on Koh Samui. I still think we need to plan the band on Koh Samui because some of those band members might be coming to Koh Pen Yung on the roadshow. Yeah, I agree completely.

But whoever's hanging around in Koh Pen Yung, more than happy to try and get you on this open mic afterwards, after our podcast. Well, you know what I would like to do, either on the roadshow or at the actual festival itself, and we haven't discussed this, but I was just thinking about this the other day. Maybe this is an awful idea.

Should we do a comedy comp for the punters that are coming that we judge and part of entering is you get, you know, idol style. We get to say whatever we want about what you're doing up there. I'm in. Should we do that? I'm absolutely in. Should we make that a thing that we do one night? I'm absolutely in.

I think that would be pretty fun. Yeah. For me, sure. Absolutely, yeah. Let's do'd be pretty fun. Yeah. For me, sure. Absolutely. Yeah. Let's do that. Okay. All right.

Maybe that could happen as part of the open mic after the roadshow gig or maybe it'll happen at the actual festival. We'll work it out. We'll have to work out when we actually do it. We've got another three months. So we'll work out the schedule. I mean, hey, last year at the gala, at the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival gala, we discovered… That we only just got on at.

Yes. We discovered Nick Carr. Yes. Who you've heard in this week's episode. Yes. So, you know, maybe the next undiscovered fuckhead is just out there right now waiting for us to come and, you know… Wow.

And, you know, scoop them up. I can hear people ringing up SDA Travel right now, getting on that ship. Yeah, so that'll be fun. That's a great idea. I like that idea. Awesome. So confirmed.

So if you want to, we'll be giving out a bit more detail in terms of accommodation, sort of, if you want to go to the recommended places. I'll find a few recommended little resorts if you want to stay there or not. Otherwise, you can just go to the recommended places, I'll find a few recommended little resorts if you want to stay there or not. Otherwise, you can just get on the map and find out where the fuck resorts are near that place. You can be an adult and just run your own life.

Yeah. I haven't told this on the podcast, I don't think. I think I just told... Code for it, you definitely have about eight times. All right. Well, so this place, The Jam, which reminds me of a funny story. I once, well, I think it's funny.

The first time I met one of my friend's mums, I walked into this room and this is the first time she'd ever met me. And we're like only 15, 16 and you've got to make a nice impression or whatever. And I walked in and she went to close the door before I walked in and then when she saw i was coming in she opened it and went oh i'm sorry oh i nearly i nearly jammed your fingers and then she opened

it up and there's just all my asshole mates looking at me instead of being nice about it i just went jam and made them laugh and made my friend's mum go, well, you're a cunt from now on. This is the most depressing picture has been painted of the mentality of small town children. Just someone at 15 going, I thought it was going to be jam your fingers and then you to impress your mates go, jam them up my arsehole. Yeah.

Much more respectable. Just saying the word jam them up my arsehole. Yeah. Much more respectable. Just saying the word jam sets you and your friends off. Yep. It's setting me off now. That's pretty good. I'm a chance of winning this open mic with this gear, I reckon. Oh, fucking hell. But so that's not the story I was going to tell.

The story I was going to tell is that where the jam is on Copenhagen, it is very close to this lovely, lovely restaurant that I went to a couple of years ago that I found in the middle of nowhere. And it was fucking awesome. And so then last year when we went to Kosovo, after that, I went to Copenhagen a couple of days later. And I went, you know what? I'm going to go there.

I'm going to find that place. I'm going to go there. I'm going to find that place. I'm going to go there again. And went in there. And it had been two years since I'd been there. And I went in there and I order whatever. And then the chef comes out and goes, have you been here before, about two years ago? And I go, yes.

And the chef's like, I heard your voice in the kitchen. And I just recognised. I'm like, that's fucking amazing. See, you have a lot of stories about this happening in various islands in Thailand. Yes. And I think it just speaks more to the fact that you choose to go to places that are fucking not doing well. Like there's been four other customers in there in the two years between. It's like, oh, yeah, okay, that guy from five guests ago is back.

Yeah. Yeah, something like that. Yeah. It was a bit weird because the guy, the chef's like English as well, but he had a Thai wife who was like the front of house, but he was the chef. So you go into this beautiful Thai restaurant and then you see the guy come out who's the chef

and it's some fucked old pom with a shit-ass singlet on, smoking. And I'm like, ah, there's a few things that are the wreck and the illusion. Like all of this will be you in about five years' time. Fuck, God willing. Fuck, that would be awesome. Just pretending to be British to fit in slightly better. Please. You know what?

Because that was after about, so we'd been there for nearly, we'd been there over a week, like a week and a half by that point. So because there was a pom there, then he goes – and it's like, you know what, fuck it. So I got a Thai meal and then I went, give us a few toasted sandwiches as well. Nice, nice. He had it on the menu and I'm like, it's a pom. He knows how to do this.

Did I tell this? When we were there last year on Samui, when I hired a car, it was like same thing British guy owning the car hire company company's a bit of a stretch but yeah Ty wife. Shack on the side of the road. And he's like talking about how there's a camera in the car and he's like now look

don't disconnect it because I think it like it's powered from one of the USB ports in the car so he's like look you might want to charge your phone don't disconnect it it's there for your safety because I had a guy once who had one of these cars and he hit a drunk guy on a motorbike and killed him and the family sued him and then now he has to live on the island because he's going through court and you know it sounded pretty cool at the moment but anyway he disconnected the camera and you know like just gives this fucking absolute horror story anyway have fun out there

yeah like just really and a little bit of like, this is what they do over here. They fucking bleed you for all, like, do you know what I mean? A little bit of racism in the mix as well. It's like, mate, just give me the fucking keys. But anyway, come to Go Samui. Yeah. June 13 to 18.

Just don't disconnect the cameras. Yeah. Yeah. Oh man, fuck. I'm in the, I'm way in the mood. I'm going to the, I'm back, I'm back going to the gym on the treadmill, watching everything I can from Koh Samui. Great.

Occasionally mixing up with a bit of a Copenhagen vlog. Yeah. But, yeah, I'm in the mood. I'm ready. I'm ready. Take me now. Mm-hmm. Hey, Patreon.

Yes. People who support us on Patreon.com slash Little Dumb Dumb Club are my favourite people in the world Wow Number one, all of them More than the Thai people? Will they help me get to see the Thai? Good point

The Thai Thank you to everyone else who supports the show On Patreon, very much appreciated You can subscribe for some various extra content from us, magazines, which Guy Montgomery hangs a bit of shit on in this episode, bonus episodes, and, yeah, all sorts of great stuff, including us thanking you in this extended part of the show. Yep.

And part of your – a couple of And part of your, part of, a couple of cents out of every dollar that you donate goes towards this program, the Unplanned Title Alternator. Oh, yes. Which then keeps things very fair, government regulations, basically, to make sure the right people get read out.

And no one gets, you know, there's no favouritism. It's completely random. Which, you know, is very important in a podcast. You don't want to get done by any government department that thinks you're doing an unfair podcast.

You know what I mean? So thousands of dollars a week we spend on this program, but it's worth it. I mean, Patreon's going well, but we're still at a loss in maintaining the unplanned title alternator. Yeah. So. We lose a couple hundred dollars per episode.

Yeah. We still need more people to be subscribing to just break even on this thing. Well, I mean, what are we going to do? Just like read out the names we want to read out? You know? Is that your solution to this? We actually would have more money in our pockets if we weren't on Patreon. Yeah. Yeah.

Should we cancel? There's got to be a way out. I'm starting to think you and I might not have much in the way of smarts. There's got to be a way out of this. But anyway, let's go on. Well, we signed a contract, I assume. Yep. All right.

So let's get to the names. All right. Let's hit the big old red button that the good people down at the UTA provide every week for us. Thank you to – Wait. They bring in a new button every week? Well, you know, you get something for those thousands and thousands of dollars a week. I think so.

Yeah. I'm starting to see one way we could save costs. Okay. Well, I'm just head first into this thing. I can't think about anything else now. Okay. Fair enough. I'm concentrating on hitting this big button.

It takes a bit of concentration. So, thank you to Patreon subscriber Jared Fitzgerald. Fitzy? Flyzy? Yep. JFG. Well, not really. Is Fitz his middle name and Gerald his last name?

No, but I just capitalised the bit I wanted to. Wow. You have that kind of power now. Yeah. You can just put in capitals. It's a new function. Wow. Yeah. So can you make, could you make my name, my middle name Da, and then my last name Solo? Yeah. Great.

Well, I mean, I know that would offend your family. Yes. The mum and papa Dasolo. They would hear that in their ears and be offended. Yes. Nononna Dassolo. Yep. I'm sure that would get her, that would really fucking cook her pasta. Oh, Tommy, my beautiful boy.

Yeah, so if she listens, I'm sorry. I won't do that. My period, I was raised by the Dolmio puppets. Oh, really? Yeah, have I ever said that on the show? No, you haven't actually. Is that canon in here yet? That's not.

So the Dolmio, you come from the Dolmio fortune. Yeah, so the Allsops put me up for adoption and that's where Dazzalo comes from. Right. That's the surname of the Dolmio puppets. So they adopted me and raised me as their own. Wait, so the surname of the Dolmio puppets is Dazzalo? Yes.

So what's Dolmio? What's the word? I thought that was their surname. They just plucked it out of thin air if you can imagine anything as stupid as that. No one would ever do that. Not even puppets would be that dumb to fake an Italian's name. When they're already Italian. That's a weird family.

Now I want a mock-up of a jar of pasta sauce that just says Dasolos with me as one of those freaky little puppets. You could recreate the ad with the puppet thing that we've got of ourselves. Oh, that's not bad. Yeah. A couple of years ago we got those puppets of us made, our little dolls. Hang on. Someone made them.

Saying that we got them made makes us sound like fucking insane people. Yes, yes. No. Someone made them and sent them to us. Yes, yes. But, yeah, that's a good idea. Yes, yes. Someone made them and sent them to us. Yes, yes. But yeah, that's a good idea. Yep. Wow.

I would like to recut myself into the Dormio ads. Yeah, go. Do it, please. Dormio. The Dassault Grin. That would be good. Fantastic. Whereas I come from the – I actually come from the Chicken Tonight family

Oh really? Yeah Chandler Tonight it was originally No puppets there or anything? No Because I'm not a puppet Okay I'm a real person Right

But yeah Chicken Tonight The Chicken Tonight empire So Carl Tonight? Carl Chicken Yeah Change it it's my stage name We should have gotten out on the Dassault We really got greedy Carl Chicken yeah change it it's my stage name we should have

gotten out on the Dassalo we really got greedy imagine if that would be up there with the way you've changed your name if my original name

was Carl Chicken and I was like I gotta change this for the stage that's stupid that's not interesting Chandler now that's interesting

Carl Chandler this is gonna grab him. Carl Chicken would be fucking great. Well, you dressed up as a chicken at the drunk cast last year. Thanks, Jared. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Danielle

Lognan. Lognan? Wow. L-O-G L-O-U-G-H-N-A-N. Is that... Say it again. L-O-U-G-H-N-A-N. Is that Lognan? Lognan.

Lognan? Is that Lognan? Lofnan? Oh, she'd be loving this. Sorry. I always think anyone... But I think people must have a genuine thrill when we can't pronounce their name, when we speculate on what their name is.

Danielli? Is it Danielli? Danielli. Danielli. What? Danielli Loughnan. Why are we bringing all of this into question? Yeah, because.

Danielle's easy. Let's give ourselves a gimme on that one. But you said they love it. You just said that they would. We've got enough to chew on with Lofnen. Lognan. I'm saying it's Lognan. Lognan.

No, Lognan. I think Lofnen. Lof? G-H. Like a cough. Yeah. Cough. Lof.

Exactly. Lofnen. Lofnen. I'm going with Lognan. Hey, prove me wrong, Danielle. Danielle? Send us your phonetic birth certificate. Yes, exactly. That. Send us your phonetic birth certificate.

Yes, exactly. That should be a thing. You should get a birth certificate to prove that you've been born and then a follow-up one that's just proving how you pronounce your name. Have you ever done the thing where you go onto YouTube and you find the – and you want to know how to pronounce something, so you look it up on YouTube and then – yeah, so you can do that. But then it's just some Russian bot that just says it any old way and you see that and go, well, that's completely fucking wrong.

Why would you do that instead of just looking it up, how to say it phonetically? Because sometimes it's very complicated and you go, okay, well, this might be easier to do it that way. Okay. What was the last complicated thing you had to look up? It was stuff when I was working on a TV show. Okay. What was the last complicated thing you had to look up? It was stuff when I was working on a TV show.

Okay. So, yeah. And I very quickly learnt to not basically look up programs that are like Siri that aren't human and don't know how to pronounce fucking anything. Right. But having said that, I'm going to look it up right now. Let's see if Lofnant is on YouTube. Okay. What if it's actually her?

What if she's got a video of her telling people how to pronounce her name? Well, I'm about to find out. YouTube, how do you pronounce Lofnen or Lognon? Let's see. Or Lognin. Let's see. Absolutely no results. So that was good. Worth the diversion, though. Well, we tried.

Well, thanks, Danielle. We tried, Danielle. Let us know. Put a video of yourself in our Facebook group pronouncing your name. No, put a video of yourself on YouTube so no one else will ever have this problem again. There's a market for it on YouTube. There's no videos that give this information up problem again. There's a market for it on YouTube. There's no videos that give this information up.

Yeah. So there's no competition. You can monetise this thing. We'll send people to it. Money in your pocket. We'll make this go viral, this clip. Yes. You pronouncing your own name. This will be the new Charlie bit my finger.

Yes. Say what you will about the quality of the content in that video. By the end of it, you definitely know how to pronounce Charlie. Yeah. Man, fuck. This is a new life for you, Danielle. Yeah. Thanks, Danielle.

Moving on. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Matthew Purser. Ah, Matthew Purser. Dipping into the Purser to give us a sweet coin. Well, he's done it again. Wow. Yes, you deserve everything you can. Get out of that purse for sweet impro like that.

Now, he is speaking, as we've done a little bit in this edition of Talking Dumb Numb, about the Kosimo International Podcast Festival. He, Matthew Purcell, was at the very, if you can remember back this far, the very first time we went there to do the festival. Right, which was in 20… 20…

Which… Fuck. I know… Hang on. This year was… I know Trump was president at the time. This year is 2018. I'm trying to think.

So, my birthday was in March. Mine's in August. So, what year is the Olympics every… Which… Olympics is every four years. We just year is the Olympics? Which? The Olympics is every four years. We just had the Winter Olympics. Right.

All right. So summer is when? Well, summer here in Australia is in January, over January. Yeah, but the Summer Olympics, I mean. But in the States, it's in like July. This is how I always remember. It's every four years, and I remember that the LA Olympics was in 1984. I always go back to that. Right. And why do you remember that the LA Olympics was in 1984. I always go back to that.

Right. And why do you remember that one? I don't know. Just because that was my first conscious Olympics when I was growing up. I was like, oh, yeah, cool. LA Olympics, 1984. Isn't that weird that your first conscious Olympics I wasn't even born for yet? That's not weird. Very disrespectful of you to bring it up.

I'm sorry. Knowing that I know nothing about it. I didn't know you were so upset. You know I'm touchy about this. I didn't know you were so upset about missing Carl Lewis's gold. Sorry. I had no idea. I won't bring it up again.

Thank you. All right, straight on to Seoul in 1988. Oh, God. I was two. But why are you cut about that? Yeah, of course. I remember everything that happened when I was two. Jesus.

Well, tell me which Olympics you were conscious for and I'll start talking from there. The 2018 Winter Olympics. Right. Okay. That's the first Olympics you were conscious for. Including the one that I was employed by a major bank to be in ads for. Wow.

Okay. All right. So we still haven't got to the bottom of this, which we're still working on. What were you trying to get to the bottom of? The Danny Elfie? Yeah. No, no. So, the Olympics. When are the Olympics?

We're trying to figure out which Koh Samui podcast fits. Oh, yes. That's what we were doing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. I think I blocked it out. Yeah. Which year was Halley's Comet? Which year did that come again? That was like 87 or something like that. So it was after that. Right.

But it was before the Winter Olympics. Right. So the Berlin Wall was down, I believe. Happy for you to take the lead on how to get out of this bit. Right. Whatever you think, I'm completely at your disposal. Do you remember when Matthew was with us at the Coastal Movie Podcast Festival, do you remember thinking at any stage,

hey, I should go and visit the Twin Towers one day? Because they're in New York and they're up there in the sky and I could go and climb to the top and down again and go up the other one. Yeah, but there was a cafe across the road from the hotel called the Twin Towers and it had a really good review on TripAdvisor. So I might be – I know it's not the actual Twin Towers. I know what you're trying to get at. Right.

The famous terrorist incident that happened in 2001 in New York. Right. But, I mean, I could be muddying up like the cafe in the actual building. Do you remember thinking, I wonder if Carl Lewis will win gold at this upcoming LA Olympics? Do you remember thinking that? While you were in the pool. Yeah, I do remember thinking

that, but I'm immortal and time is kind of a time is kind of cyclical. So I've kind of already been through I've already been through like eight there have been eight different rotations of time itself. So I've kind of... Well eight – there have been eight different rotations of time itself. So I've kind of –

Well, no further questions, I guess, because you can answer every question like that, I guess. Sure. Okay. Well, we still haven't worked out which podcast festival this was. It was 2017. Okay. Moving on. Thanks, Matthew.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber Tom Burton. Burton. It's very close to being Tim Burton. Oh. That'd be cool. The Nightmare Before Koh Samui. So if this guy, Tom Burton, I wonder if his friend Jimmy Depp helps him out with the money for this subscription.

Nice. Nice, dude. Because he gets him into everything, this Jimmy Depp guy. He does get him into everything. This might be one of the few things that he hasn't brought him in on. Oh, well, in that case, this thing might be successful. Yay. Yay.

Tom Burton. I've got to say, Tim Burton, highly overrated. Does anyone rate him anymore? Well, yeah, but it seems like any time he announces, oh, guess what, I've taken another fucking old book and I'm remaking that as well. Yeah. People still go, oh, the great man, he's going to fucking –

oh, he's going to – it's going to look all fucking like an Emily the Strange fucking backpack for an hour and a half. Not into it. Very style over substance. And even like – I feel like he had a lot of credit for the Batman, you know, his take on Batman. People liked. And then Nolan came along. Everyone's like, who gives a fuck about

this crap anymore? Yeah, no. I think it's, I haven't watched it lately, but I think it probably has dated pretty bad. His Batman movies? Yeah. Because, just the Joker. I remember at the time when that movie came out, everyone's like, oh,son of course what a great choice because he's crazy and then you see the footage now and it's like pretty rotten looking yeah it just looks but at the time

that would have felt like you know what the nolan movies felt like when they came out yeah oh this is so gritty purely because it's not the 1950s fucking sound effects. Yeah, you're right. By the way, that would be great if that was a contractual thing that DC had in the... Anytime someone does Batman, if written into the contract was do what you want, story-wise, tone-wise, you have to have the sound effects flashing up on the screen, though. Yeah.

That would be great. And also you have to do... He has to dance constantly. Yeah. But not even the Batusi from the old to do... He has to dance constantly. Yeah. But not even the Batusi from the old... Yes. But the bat dance that Prince did. Yes, yes.

In the 1991 one. So, hey, look, make it as gory as you want. Have it be rated R. Have someone's head getting blown off. Yep. Add in fucking characters that aren't even in the comics. Yep. Have his parents alive as far as we care.

You have to have Zorf and Blanc coming up on the screen every ten minutes. You can come from, get rid of the dead parents, you can come from Krypton. Do whatever you want. Look, we get it. We're lenient. You can use whatever font you want for the effects. Do it however you want but they have to be flashing up on the screen

constantly long enough for people to read. Okay, alright. Well that's good. If anyone out there is planning a remake, food for thought. All right. Well, we've – Well, thanks, Tom. Yeah.

Thanks, Tom. Thanks, Tom Burton. Next one. How many names have we done? Well, let's see. When we started, do you remember thinking, gee, this Chinese Olympics in the city of Seoul is great. Do you remember thinking that?

Had it been on yet or was it upcoming? Do you remember thinking, I remember what an amazing Olympics this has already been in this new version of China? No, I remember being excited for it to come up. Okay. In that case, we've done four. Okay.

Yep. Oh, right. So this is the fifth one. This is the fifth one. Right, all right. Yep. Okay. Wow, I've just hit the button.

This is interesting. Why interesting? Well, if you give me half a second. Sorry. Jesus Christ. Don't bite my head off. I paused for a long time and I saw an opportunity to jump in. Just doing my due diligence.

All right, forgiven. We have a pretty hardline activist is what he's saying in the little credits here. Who self-describes as a hardline activist? Well, you're about to find out. I can't wait. An activist for the arts as well. Wow. An arts activist.

Yeah. Yeah. A hardline arts activist. Hardline. Right. Yes. And not only that, it says here he's a bit controversial. Oh.

Because he preaches violence against people who do improv. Right. So, yeah, thank you. Well, I mean, you can't be hardline without being a little bit controversial. Totally. So violence against improv. Okay, right.

So anyway, thank you to Patreon subscriber Malcolm C. Yeah. Right. Now, do we have any idea of what the C might stand for? Right Now Do we have any idea Of what the C might stand for? A bit of a personal question I guess But

Well he's put You know He's put hardline activist Hardline arts activist Yes Put all that I would think that You know

Putting what your last name actually is Would come before all that information Well he's obviously This is You know As you know You know You've what your last name actually is would come before all that information. Well, he's obviously, this is, you know, as you know, you know, you've got a stage name. This is obviously his sort of political name or... Okay, right. You know, political stage name. Right.

You know, I mean, it's got us talking. What puppets is he related to? It's got us talking, so it's obviously work. No such thing as bad publicity. Yeah. We're going, what's the C stand for? And look, I i'm flummoxed i don't have a single idea i mean it's the end of the patreon read of our show um usually someone's got like a longer name than this but this time it's like it's it's i don't think we've ever had an occasion where the last subscriber has been

just a single letter yeah i mean who? Maybe that's his real name. Maybe it's an abbreviation. Probably not. But, like, yeah. Wow. It's catchy, though. Malcolm C. So do you know anything else about this man?

I believe not. I don't. I believe I don't know anything more. Right. Yeah. I know very, very little about him. I'm ashamed to say. You don't know?

I don't know. Yeah. Certainly not enough to start, you know, speculating or, you know, you came to say. You don't know? I don't know, yeah. Certainly not enough to start speculating or pontificating on. You don't think – it sounds like an interesting story, interesting life story. Maybe they could make a movie of him or something like that. Maybe he could – you know what? It does say here – I've got a link here.

So there is more information. I just saw a slight link. Because the program, it links to other contributors. Yeah, yeah. It's still, the information is still downloading, as you were saying that before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I didn't link in this column because what it says

is it links to other people who are fans of the show. Right, right. Okay. Other people that have, you know what? Spoilers. It's linked to someone else who hasn't, we haven't read out on the show before. Okay. Well, you want to do a two-for-one here?

Well, I'll give a shout-out to his colleague, it says here. Okay, sure. Martin Luther Comedy. Ah, right. MLC. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right. Yeah.

So maybe that gives you a bit more of a context of what this guy's up to. We recently celebrated Martin Luther Comedy Day. Did we? Here in this country. Yes. Yeah. Great. Yeah. Well, thanks Malcolm C. It was the 9th of June. Okay.

Nothing? No. I don't care. I actually don't care. Alright, I'll tell you all fair. Alright. People can write in and say what they think that was. All right, I'm going to look it up right now. Well, looking it up isn't going to help you. Fuck.

Someone give me help. Thanks, Malcolm. Thanks, Malcolm. Well, we've done it again. What another wonderful week of content we've created here on the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Yes. we've done it again what another wonderful week of content we've created here on the Little Dumb Dumb Club yes folks yes

get a ticket to one of our upcoming live shows come check out a stand up show by the two of us come check out a live podcast

yes get your insurance and any other travel stuff through SDA travel littledumbdumbclub.com is where you can find information

about all the stuff that we've just been talking about. Next week we'll see you back here for the first of our live Adelaide episodes, which were both very, very fun. Guys, thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates.