The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 393 - Live! Peter Helliar, Daniel Sloss & Georgie Carroll

Episode Date: April 18, 2018

It's the second of our live episodes from Adelaide and as is tradition: it's extremely messy! DANIEL SLOSS joins us to celebrate the day of his people, PETER HELLIAR hurts his Gold Logie chances and GEORGIE CARROLL makes her debut on the podcast with some inventions she hasn't come up with! PLUS we call someone's voicemail five times, eat chocolate mousse and talk about a light.This episode is brought to you by Sam Simmons and his show 'Radical Women Of Latin American Art 1960 - 1984' at the Melbourne Comedy Festival. Head to comedy.com.au for more info and tickets!Don't forget, we have a bunch of huge live shows coming up:MELBOURNE: We've got a month of awesome live shows happening for the month of APRIL. KOH SAMUI: The Koh Samui International Podcast Festival is happening again in 2018 with guests The Dollop! JUNE 13 - 18. For tickets, merchandise, links to our Patreon and heaps of other stuff, head to our website: littledumdumclub.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dum Dum Club, the second of our live episodes from Adelaide with special guests Peter Hellyer, Daniel Sloss and Georgie Carroll. But first of all, we need to let you know that this episode of The Little Dum Dum Club is brought to you by Sam Simmons and his show Radical Women of Latin American Art 1960-1985, which is currently on until the 22nd of April at the Arts Centre in Melbourne. Man, that's such a random name. That's so random. How does he come up with this stuff? That's really out there. He must have some kind of unplanned title alternator for his festival shows. That's so crazy, though.

How do people come up with things like that? Man, I'll tell you what. He must just get so high before he writes his little sketches. Do you think that's it? I reckon he's just blazing it up. Oh, man. That would explain a few things because no straight mind could come up with something that wacky. That's cuckoo.

Why don't we ever get, you know, like Tim and Eric, like all that, Auntie Donna, like all those kinds of things. Like we never get asked like how do you come up with this stuff? Do you know what I mean? It's never like you guys must just like, you know, sit in a room with a gas leak in it and your brain starts switching off and then that's how you come up with this rot. You guys must like drink Milo before the show. Eat a bunch of cheese, go to sleep, write down the dreams when you wake up. Yeah, get hit by a car or something, have severe brain trauma.

But yes, Sam Simmons' show, it is on now. You can get tickets from artscentermelbourne.com.au. Any word on the algorithm this year with the Sam Simmons show about the old pop culture reference of Australian food plus orifice that he does the big double of? Do you care to have a guess? Sunny boy up the arse this year? I think that might have been last year.

Oh, so Violet Crumble Up the Dickhole this year maybe. Right. Right. He is, I mean, he's running out of orifices. Yeah. Good thing he's... That's why it's worth going to see him this year. Good thing he's already won the Barry and the Edinburgh Comedy Award

because, you know, if you were shoving something up your dickhole and that didn't result in an award win, you'd be, like, next year you'd be going, fucking what more can I do? That is Oscar bait though, isn't it? Just getting a Roundtree Hoadley product and sticking it in a hole in your body. The judges love that. Judges are smart. A calippo in the sweat glands.

Yes. Get me in there. Yes, always a great fun time at a Sam Simmons show So go check him out You only have a few more Opportunities left To do that Also

We What have we got to plug We've got I mean all our live Our last live podcast Is completely sold out Yeah if you listen to this Straight away

Our last live podcast We are still doing Stand up comedy of sorts So go to Go to If you listen to this Straight away There's no time to

To waste And you're in Melbourne go to littledumbdumbclub.com and find out how to get tickets to me and Tommy's solo shows. Yes. And yeah. Maybe stay tuned after the end to hear about the drunk cast details. Yes, we'll go into more details at the end of the episode but for now, enjoy this episode

thanks to the awesome audience Ian Adelaide, Peter Hellier, Daniel Sloss, Georgie Carroll, and we'll see you after the episode for more Talking Dum Dum. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the little Dum Dum Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dazzolo and standing next to me is the other half of the show, Carl Chandler.

G'day, dickheads. Oh, alright. Someone's yelling at us already. That's weird for a podcast crowd. What are you yelling, sir? Where's good chap? Next to you, you dumb cunt. Someone's making a call back from the last episode for people at home. For people at home from a week ago. Yeah. We're finally back in Adelaide. Yes. Yes, we went home for a week, then we came back here. Yeah. Because the people demanded it.

So, no, look, okay, the last episode we did, for people at home, we did two episodes back-to-back. We just did one. A lot of negativity about Adelaide in that one. Let's, you know what, this is a new episode. Let's shake it off. Let's get positive. How good's Adelaide?

Like, genuinely. Genuinely. Even I'm positive about it. Like... You know what? You know what? You know what? I honestly think the best... The best city in South Australia is...

The best... People think we're doing a live poll. The best... This... You can't hit a button. The best city in South Australia is Man, I'm hearing a lot of options I'm paralysed by choice

The best city in South Australia is Perth Look, that might be correct, but you're fucked Look, I know you're trying to be nice, but still you've got PTSD. It's hard for you to say the name out loud. Yes.

So let's try that. Are you mine at all? I think the best city in South Australia is... Adelaide. Yeah. It's almost like I said it. We got there. Worth it.

We got there. I mean, look, yeah, I came here in a negative frame of mind, but in that last episode, seeing the way that you guys got behind Carl's race crime towards one of our guests, that made me go, these guys are all right. Like, this is a city that I can really vibe with. They laughed at it.

I was just feeding the furnace. Blame the furnace. Mate, I get it. The wolves were howling and they needed to be fed. Yeah, exactly. The wolves love content. So, what were we up to? Let's say, what about

this? Someone sent me, now I don't know if Adelaide, I don't know if we've got any emails from Adelaide that have done the thing that a lot of people are doing at the moment, which is graffiti on the toilet doors, saying this is a little dum-dum club. A lot of people are doing that.

Has anyone done that in Adelaide? No. Okay. It's a big no when I can hear the coke fucking machine over the audience. So I will assume that's a no. Someone did this insane thing this

week where someone sent me this. They said, they're like a website developer, and they sent me a message that said, look, I do websites. I worked on the website that belongs to the place where Ben Lomas' partner works at.

What? Friends of the show, Ben Lomas. His partner works... That guy gets it. Yeah, yeah, we get it. Ben Lomas' partner works at this certain place. So this listener knows that she works there and so built the website. What?

No, listen. Listen. This is so weird. And so if you go to, and is this weird stalker or not? This is, Ben Lyons' partner works at a place called the Brunswick Learning Space. Why are you reading this out? If you go to the brunswicklearningspace.vic.edu.au, if you then click on this,

there's a bit there that says, what's on at the space? If you click on the P, it then takes you to a link that plays this. Wow. So... So this is about five different people that are going to lose their jobs because of this story being public?

Wow. That is a sweet Easter egg. It's a hell of an Easter egg. It's a quick little laugh for everyone and, you know, a big line in the dog queue now. But sure, it was a good joke though. Yeah, a great Easter egg. Something that the man in question himself would enjoy a great deal.

Yeah. He's fat. So we did a... I actually didn't get that joke until they got it. So we did a thing in the last episode, the people at home heard last week where we were going through and doing the hall of shame of

people who bought tickets at the very last minute. In the mix, actually going through the names of people that were on the list, I found one, a ticket booked in early February and the name was first name, I can't make it because I'm going to a friend's wedding.

Second name, but I want you guys to keep coming back. One ticket. One ticket sold. And anyway, so they had their phone number in there, so... Because the process of Try Booking is we've got all of your addresses and emails. And phone numbers. So we've got all of your addresses and emails and phone numbers so we've got access to all of you people. You're all

getting hacked right now as we speak. You're going to walk out of this theatre and have nothing. So I sent a message going how's the wedding going from Tommy? Got a message back. Ah, the great man. Just getting to the venue. A winery way down south.

See you at your solo show tomorrow. So, I like this guy. Weirdly enough, I don't like him. Should we call and check in? Is there anything more to be... Okay. Call and I'll talk him out of going to your solo show. All right.

All right. Call and I'll talk him out of going to your solo show. Hope it's the same guy just going, comedy! Oh man, this message bank is going to be so funny. We are ringing him during a wedding. You've reached Nick. If you are calling for... All right, comedy. Please be aware that Peter Coates passed away unexpectedly in September of 2015.

What? What? If you are calling in regards to ordering laboratory equipment... If you were calling in regards to ordering laboratory equipment... 823479... Laboratory! Please leave a detailed message after the time.

When you have finished recording, you may hang up or press 1 for more options. Laboratory! See you, mate. laboratory see you mate now in his message did he say if you are calling about someone who's passed away what is that

yeah should we call it again so we can have another listen alright did anyone I couldn't work out what was going on there does anyone want to save

us a second phone call or do it okay alright there. Does anyone want to save us a second phone call or... Do it? Do it. Well, we wouldn't want to repeat content on this show, but sure. You couldn't write this stuff, folks. All right. Fuck.

This is going to fuck someone's wedding. I'll be very disappointed if he answers this time. You've reached Nick Coote. If you are calling for clinic scientific, please be aware that Peter Coote passed away unexpectedly in September. I'm glad we called back. It's just what we thought. Why did we do this?

All right, well, I see no need to listen to the end of that. That was a strange decision by us, wasn't it? Sounds like a sad thing may have happened. Better check. We wouldn't want those potential zero laughs to go to waste. It's also like, fuck, that death got a laugh in the first go. Let's play it again. Oh, no, not as funny.

What was our end game there? Were we hoping that he'd change the message in the minute in between? I think maybe we were hoping that he died in some kind of funny way. Farted himself to death. Absolutely brutal. Anyway, leave a message after the beep.

Alright, well he did. Let's, look, maybe let's call a third time just to make sure that it's definitely not funny. Oh, he's just texted. Give me ten minutes and I'll call back, buddy. Text him, text him. He's going to do a runner from the wedding. Text him.

Text him and say, before he rings back. Sorry about your dead dad You fucking idiot Who Ask him who died I know who died Peter But who's Peter?

Unexpectedly In 2015 But who's Peter? I It's got the same Ask him He's got the same I'm not asking him

You text him Alright what's his number? Okay 043 Don't read it out Hey it's nice him. Alright, what's his number? Okay. 043... Don't read it out. Hey, it's nice for someone else to have it. Don't say her name. This is the best the podcast has ever been.

Alright. Oh, fuck, they've already texted me before. Oh, I don't feel so bad now. I love love How good By the way How good is it

That he booked a ticket He just wanted to give us money Books a ticket to a thing That he knows he's not coming to But still goes Better make sure I put in All the correct information In these

His details Alright What's he texted you in the past? Oh fucking Look Dad's really sick Heaps of stuff Oh wow Wow Real repeat offender But you texted him first Alright. What's he texted you in the past? Oh, fucking... Look. Dad's really sick. Heaps of stuff. Oh, wow.

Wow! Real repeat offender. But you texted him first. No, no. No. Oh, okay. It had to load. It hadn't loaded.

I'm not texting random people and then they're listening to the show. He got to the top of the screen and it was on your side. No. Okay, the other ones hadn't loaded. That's how many there are. But look at all the other ones. Wow. Oh, now he's ringing me.

Fuck. Oh. Oh, what am I chopped to liver? Hello? Oh, g'day. I'm just checking out the last comedy. Oh, this is a different call. Yeah, sorry.

Yep, you're looking for the gig over in Basement Comedy Club in Melbourne? Yep. Yeah, it's on at 8 o'clock tonight. Dave O'Neill's on tonight. Anne Edmonds is on. Yeah, should be a great night. It's $20 to get in, doors open at 7.30, gig kicks off at 8 o'clock.

What time does the secret pedophile ring kick off? Yeah, hold your mic. That could have cost me $20! Okay, that was not his number. Did they seriously just hang up? No, I gave them the details and then they were done. They're going to my show in Melbourne tonight. That's great.

See, some people book in advance for the last minute in Melbourne too. I wouldn't call this advance. The gig is on in like two hours. Who's on? Should I come? I should probably book someone as well. Alright, well we've got to get this guy on the blower when he phones in. Okay, alright. Have we had any update from the election?

Have we won the election yet? I believe we did win, yeah. Oh, nice. Yeah. For listeners at home, we... I believe because of the low attendance of people turning up to things in Adelaide, I believe we won the election 1-0. A landslide victory.

They've never seen anything like it before. People really turned up at the polls. Yeah. Okay, well, do we... Let's just get a guest out here, do you think? Let's get a guest out here. So, folks, so folks so today it's St. Patrick's

Day and the national the national holiday of the Irish and so we figured who better who better to book as a guest

on this on this most sacred of days to the Irish as Ireland's number one export? Please welcome back into the little Dundon Club, Danny O'Sloss. Yay! Yay! Is the price tag still on this, you cheap fucking guy? I'm going to try and take it back afterwards. Every last one of you can fucking die in a shallow grave. Mate, you must be absolutely blind drunk already, hey?

Thank you for doing this podcast, taking time off and masturbating to Sinead O'Connor. Well, that's only because her head's wiped clean. Oh, I'm sorry, do you not know who the fuck I am? It's Elton John! What is this?

Yeah, I don't really know. It's a Beats microphone. Literally, Daslo just saw green things in the $2 shop and just bought them. Daslo, for people at home, Daslo just put a lot of green things on top of a Danny O sloss over there. They suit you. Do they? Yeah. This is how I flirt.

Nice, I like it. Do you want to see my impression? This is my favourite joke. It's the worst thing in the world. Do you want to see my impression of an ant? Of an ant? Of an ant. Right.

People at home fucking just loving it at the moment. The first time it's been better to be a listener at home than to be in the room. You missed out on nothing. Why is that there? Oh, so we've been given a big bunch of chocolate mousse in honour of St Patrick's Day, obviously. Yeah.

That famous chocolate holiday. The Saint-Tro-Paint of... Saint-Tro-Paint? Fuck. that famous chocolate holiday the saint saint saint saint fuck patron saint of dessert

yeah it's only Irish they can drink on somebody's day so now you can fucking see why you goddamn lightweight

two fucking spritzers in and you can't say patron saint you pathetic cunt alright mate just sing tinycer and fuck off.

Redecorating the house? You need satron paint. Satron paint? Satron paint. Fuck. We got to launch this. Give Dulux a run for their money. No, someone has put a big bunch of chocolate mousse on stage with three...

No, five spoons. So they would rather us be eating mousse than talking on stage. Which is fair. Five spoons but only four tubs. So someone's got a lady in a tramp styler. But very diarrhoea-like. Like you just fling it into each other's mouth.

Like all this has to be is foot fire at the end of the show. I'm just letting you know that. Ooh, now that's an idea. And you cunts have got none. Now in tribute to you and your special day today,

I don't know much about St. Patrick or Ireland and because of you being from Ireland, Daniel O'Sloss, I decided to sort of bone up on the history of Ireland. So here we go. This is what I've learned today. Let's start with the man of the hour, St. Patrick. Legend has it, he brought Christianity to the nation.

Oh, cool. Hey, he's your mate. How fucked off would you be if you were at a fucking house party, BYOB, and some cunt turns up with a Bible and be like, ah! Fucking Jesus! I made it myself! Legend has it he brought Christianity to the nation and that he banished all the

snakes from Ireland, but obviously not all the trouser snakes from the Irish sloth family. Thank you. It's because I've got a big dick. However, he did banish all the punchlines from the Slosh family from the next 2,000 years. Sorry, she just said she's seen my dick, but I would like to remind her

that there's still four sentences left. You know what? Whenever we do back-to-back podcasts, the second podcast always get way too loose. Everyone's had fun. We've done some scripted stuff in the first one. Everyone has too many drinks in the break and then it just fucking falls apart.

It's just, yeah. It's got to start being just one four-hour long podcast with no break. All right. In 1606, a wave of Scottish settlers moved to Ireland in what's known as the Plantation of Ulster, which is very controversial. History tells us that the Irish family, the Slossers,

fought very hard against this, saying, and I quote, I don't want the dirty Scottish pieces of shit here. They're much worse than Australians, even though Australia doesn't exist yet. Those dress-wearing bagpipe fucking people who are I will fucking put you in the ground.

Pick any one of them windows and I'll fucking chuck you through. I'll be putting you in the ground. He sounds so cute, doesn't he? Hey, don't argue against Encyclopedia Britannica, mate. Bagpipe fucking people who are very bad at football and comedy can stick their deep-fried Mars bars up their tight arses. And if any of them has a show called Now in any comedy festivals in 412 years time definitely don't go and see them. Wow this sloth family really don't rate the Scottish. They call it how they see it. It is oddly specific. I will give it.

Now of course let's dispel an Irish myth there's no such thing as leprechauns. Only the leprechaun sized comedic talent of the Sloss family. Wait, no, right. I'm not being Irish and short. You can have one, right? And, of course, when you mention Ireland, you have to mention all the bombings. Not the IRA.

I just mean the Sloss family doing stand-up, so... Hey, we all learned something tonight about Ireland, eh? What? Really educational. What's your favourite thing about Ireland? That I don't live there. Sarcasm is the lowest form of weakness. No, it's not.

I've seen your show. Hell yeah. I'm starting to like this holiday. Fuck, let's get that dead person on the phone or whatever. Yeah, he did call back. Should we get him in? Yeah. All right, let me see if he'll answer now.

Well, because we were... Because he was... Why didn't we answer? Because we were being funny. We were busy being racist. Should I call him back? Do we have anything... Okay.

I don't know. Should we? I think he's... Sloss, it's your day. What do you think? Just phone him and tell him his mum's dead. I immediately put my phone away because I thought just even by looking at it, you might be able to... Hang on, hang on. Someone that's here just changed your birthday

on Wikipedia to Ireland. Your birthday? Wikipedia to Ireland. Your birthday? Oh, birthplace. So my birthday is Ireland. Every time I land there, they're just like party poppers. Dipshit.

That's fair. That was quick. I mean, would prefer you to be watching the show, but sure. I just got a text from the guy who we were ringing. Because I said, who died on your answering message? And he said, my dad. I was close with mum. My dad, he ran

his own business and we had to shut it all down. Yeah, let's not ring him. This is exactly what I was predicting. I was just surprised. was this a surprise? People at the back just going, comedy. Tragedy.

Obituary. Symmetry. Symmetry. I won't try another one. Oh, God. Somebody just said stop it like a mum. Stop what? Stop it.

Come on now. Come on. He's had enough. He's had enough. Stop it. He's got a family. No, he used to. I think you'll find he very specifically no longer does.

He'll be rapt when he listens to this though. I wish I could have been there. Yeah, this is a tribute in a way. I wish I could have been there. Yeah, this is a tribute, in a way. I wish I could have been there just to prevent this from happening. This is a wake. This is like one of your famous Irish wakes, where we all just have a good crack. Oh, man.

If I knew who you were, I'd have so many rebuttals. Must be real easy to rip me Go on my Wikipedia There's a page that doesn't say Why are you here? I don't have a Wikipedia page Alright shut up We've all had a drink

Alright should we Should we get our next guest out here? I don't know if he's going to be happy With what he's being brought out to But sure Oh is this Is this the famous Jamaican? get our next guest out here? I don't know if he's going to be happy with what he's being brought out to, but sure. Is this the famous Jamaican? I just figured if we're just lumping people with fucking nationalities

that aren't there, he's Jamaican. That's now the bet. Because apparently that's how this fucking podcast works. Please welcome the smooth reggae stylings of Peter Hellier. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Classic.

Classic. He speaks the language and everything. Happy St. Pat's Day, Daniel. And there was no Guinness. So I bet you... Cooper's stashed. Where's the 16-year-old? Here you go. There you go.

Scullet! Hell yeah, brother! Do you actually not drink? Yeah. Shut up! Hey. It's your mum here. You've got to know any your mum He's from Ireland

You know Yeah alright Let's not get In Is this your First pub And you've worn shorts It's fucking confidence

Isn't it I'm so into it For people who are The 16 year old From the first show Still here So Yeah

Thank you for bringing me out To that story Of the guy, of the dad. Yep. Yeah. Looking forward to doing my own shows tonight,

I've got to say. Sorry, I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry. Yeah, I didn't think it was a bad time, but that's when we need a heavy hitter.

That's when we need a fucking pro to get out here and dig us out of our hole. So that's, I guess that's the... I fucking beg your pardon. I think you dug the hole.

No, that is fair. Also, my mic's been turned down so I know I'm not doing well. That's what happens. If we don't get a laugh, please turn the mics down. Whoever's doing the best, turn them up. Reward the people who are being funny. And... Top of the fucking morning to you, cunt.

Now that was some comedy. Fucking this is a cult. Yeah. I think you got one letter wrong. We're pretty close to getting everyone in the audience to put on the Nikes

and, you know. Go to Adelaide. Oh, fuck, sorry. Oi! Oh, sorry. Who's that? Wetherall, trying to fight me out the back. Pete, you're a big fan of Adelaide. I'm enjoying you being more positive in this week's episode. I was listening to last week's

on the way in, and... I... I was not... I was not enjoying it. I love Adelaide. It's my 16th fringe. I've been coming here for a while and it's fucking great and Adelaide's at its best during fringe because I've not seen one burst fucking water main and that's amazing. Oh yeah, because you love on the project.

Every second day we get vision of fucking burst water beans or Molotov cocktails. That's what you... But we're keeping positive. They're well-made Molotov cocktails. Fuck, just as well Milan's not here this year. He would have been buying a lot of Molotov cocktails at the bar. So, you know Milan, Pete.

You know Milan, the Serbian... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Serbian gun runner. The guy who buys everyone drinks. Yes. The mysterious billionaire drink buyer. Yeah. He's known very well here.

When we got in, I reckon we were here for ten minutes and someone behind the bar went, is Milan coming this year? Because I had to go and get extra supplies if he wasn't, so sorry, he's not here this year. He's not here, but if anyone wants to get me a fucking cider... Thank you. Thank you, Melania.

So the burst water... Is that a thing that happens here? Constant burst water mains? Yeah, burst water mains. It's a thing, isn't it? It's a fucking thing. Wow. The tap water's so shit, it's trying to top itself. Hey. Hey, do I... I get... I was in New York recently and... All right, man.

I travel. I travel. No, I was in New York and I was going into the NBA store with my kids and this African-American guy on the front door, just security, and he looked at me and he yelled out, Elton John in the house! I wasn't there. Do I look like...

Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. It's a little... It's Rocket Man-esque. Yeah. Saturday night's all right for content. Yeah. That's because... Did you, you know what? Because in New York, they have like a bit of a thing with the comedy flyers in Times Square where they learn a couple of big names like you guys.

And if there's any Australian accents, they'll go like, hey, you know Pete Hellyer? You know Dave Hughes? Come in here. They're here tonight. Which is like, I think, an insane way of doing things because it's like, I'm from Australia. I want to fucking see someone else.

Yeah. Well, they do that with, when they hand out these CDs with the music on them as well. Oh, the rappers. Yeah,

I had sent that new Bliss and Esso. You know Bliss and Esso? They're from Adelaide, aren't they? Bliss and Esso? No, Hilltop Hoods are from Adelaide. Hilltop Hoods,

Hilltop Hoods, I was talking about. Oh, dad. Yeah, dad. But yeah, they're dropping Hilltop Hoodss are from Adelaide. Hilltop Hoods, Hilltop Hoods, I was talking about. Oh, Dad. Yeah, Dad. But yeah, they're dropping Hilltop Hoods and hair from Adelaide. They just drop names and Paul Hogan and Brisbane and Austins.

And here's my CD. They're trying to give you a rap CD going, this is from Paul Hogan. Yo, man, you like Foo Chucks? We got something similar up here in the M&M store. MC Dundee. Boys, feel free to just get into the moods whenever you... Should we get our third guest out here? Yeah, let's get our third guest out here.

It is her first time on the podcast. Is she Irish? Excuse me? Is she Irish as well? How dare you? No. She's... No, she's not Irish. She's even worse? She's, no, she's not Irish, she's even worse.

She's from Adelaide. Please welcome to the stage Georgie Carroll! Hiya! It's a bit ironic, isn't it? Oh, they're still clapping. It's a bit ironic that I am from Adelaide and I don't sound like it. Oh, I thought that was the Adelaide accent.

Oh, no. No, they sound more English than this. What is your accent? What is my accent? Manchester. That's it. That's why I have to... This is how good Adelaide is.

I had the whole fucking world to pick from and I picked Adelaide. Yeah, but that is because... Yeah. No, no, no. And she chose this because she's from Manchester. No, I chose

this because you bombed Manchester and I had to move. Yes! Yes! First time on and within a minute she gets it. But just a friendly reminder, not Irish.

How's that moose going? It's fucking awful. Oh, sorry, are they a sponsor? They used to be. Oh. Yeah, that's fine. They don't sponsor me. Wow, it's amazing that they dropped you

considering how shit this is. Like, that's phenomenal. They're like, I mean, Irish shit is awful, but Jesus Christ. Like, that's phenomenal. They're like, I mean, our shit is awful, but Jesus Christ. Pretty much anything's good after the potato famine. Two for two! And can I also say,

a potato famine is not a famine, that's just picky eating. You live on an island, fish for fuck's sake. I'll be honest, boys, not a fan. If you don't like it, go back to Dublin, cunt. I like that you're saying you hate it. You're still just absolutely hoeing into it. Oh, I'm very high.

I can tell you're covered in green. I like how this... I know this is not especially great for people at home, but we're in a darkened room, except for one girl who's very highly... Very spotlighted. So I don't know how much people are enjoying it, but we're in a darkened room except for one girl who's very spotlighted. I don't know how much people are enjoying it, but I know who's.

Whoever just turned around, you covering your face. You covering your face saying, don't look at me, that's you. Miss, I don't know how this is going, but I can see what you think of it. Please be very positive because the whole gig relies on you enjoying this for me.

Are you trying to take your shirt off? It says content on her shirt. Oh, it does. And that's because she's content with how it's going. Right, okay. Oh, fuck you, that was excellent. Don't put on this is a shithouse t-shirt. Don't put that out.

I'll be honest with you, at this point, I was just glad that you could all see her too. I thought that was the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm like, I'd rather go to hell. With the extreme red light, you do look like, yeah, it's pretty threatening. Yeah. It does look like you're in a one-man red light district, actually. One-woman red light district.

I guess it is 2018. You're right. Women can be hookers too So Georgie Yeah mate Thought it was about my time Because you live in Adelaide But you're from somewhere else What would be

If you're telling someone else I live in Adelaide, here are the pros. The best things about Adelaide? Yeah. Travelling. No, I don't know. How are your water mains? I threw in Adelaide.

Yeah, I know it's a thing, but I'm not too bothered about it. We are in the driest state, in the driest continent in the world, so it's very rare that that shit happens. We don't have power a lot of the time. Didn't Elon Musk fix it? Oh, my God, I want to take you to... You know how you've got St Kilda in Melbourne? We've got one here. It's a playground.

Shall we take them? It's a playground, and it was built by a bipolar man. You've got a playground called St Kilda? Yeah, we have. Are there a lot of, like, hypodermic needles that you can jump up and down on? Oh, no, it's worse, man. It's worse.

It's, like, got a 40-foot slippery dip made out of metal. We've got 40-degree heat. And then they finish the slide off with gravel. Well, if it's anything like ours in Kilda, once you slide off, is there someone there saying, my name's Greg Fleet, can I have 20 bucks? Sorry, Sloss is holding this green megaphone thing and I just noticed him funnelling moose into it and I looked at him saying, what are you doing?

And he turned to me off mic and went, Shrek's arsehole. doing and he turned to me off mic and went Shrek's arsehole. That is the best. Don't go all the way with it. Eat it. Growl him out. Yes. I thought love was only true in fairy tales.

Pete, you're up for a gold logie. Do you think this appearance might hurt your chances? That's what I'm saying, fucking quiet, to be honest. Where do I take this back for the refund? Oh! I never thought of that. The dream, we're finally in Adelaide. We can actually bring bottles back and get refunds.

Ten cents each. Yeah, it's still a lot. Lad's up. Somebody come win one that you've touched. Are you two related? Huh? Are you related? Me and him?

Yeah. Do we sound like we're related? Not relation-wise, but I just feel like, you know. We've got round heads, haven't we? Yeah, round heads, glasses, kind eyes. Oh, thanks. Glasses. He is so.

Glasses. You've got glasses as well, to be fair, Sloss. And now I can't see anything. But, yeah, Pete, what do you think your chances are of winning the gold Logie? I'm going to win it, obviously. At least I'll fucking win it. How do you win a Logie? Is it a vote thing?

What happens? Is it a public vote? It's a public vote. Oh, okay. Oh, I mean, with the numbers in here, you are fucked. We are. This will probably get you across the line, to be honest. I'm not sure how many people fucking vote, to be honest.

But... Yeah, you have to vote by, like, what? Buying a magazine and cutting out a fucking coupon and posting it in? I think you just go online. Oh, wow. That's big. www.tvweek.logies.com Wow, that's confidence right there.

And if you go on there and you click the E in week, it says Logies. Who have you got to beat? Who are you up against? Well, I'm not up against anyone. Oh, easy win. If you lose, Jesus Christ. I'm not up against anyone.

There's Pete Hellyer, then there's daylight between the rest of us. Well, nothing's been announced or it's not even out. I'm on a long list of nominations to be nominated. Yeah, I've been nominated as well. Well, look, this is a pretty valuable thing to be given the Dumb Dumb Club vote of confidence. So, look, we're happy to get in behind you, but we need something in return.

We need some sort of reference in the acceptance speech. There needs to be something. What can we wedge into a... It doesn't need to be, like, listen to Dumb Dumb, but if there's some sort of reference... Yeah, if you went up and bombed, that would be a nice tribute. Like, just during the acceptance speech. If I win, if I win, if I win,

if I win, I'll take that phone number that you rang before and I'll just ring that guy again. And hopefully get the message back just to really bring the Logies home. All right. Ring it in the middle of the in-memoriam. In the middle of the in-memoriam. Oh, comedy.

She didn't like that. She didn't like that at all. Yeah, who's? That was a man's voice. Oh, yeah, she's... Is she? No, she's still in it. She's the red light.

Madam Content. Madam Content's still in it. No, she's not. She's in doing it. You can't laugh and nod your head at the same time. Like, you're into it. No, she's not. She's enjoying it. You can't laugh and nod your head at the same time. Like, you're into it.

Sorry? Oh, she wouldn't. Who'da gayed her? She wants to hear the message again. I'll ring the guy. I'll ring the guy again. I'm afraid there hasn't been an update in his condition. What's this? What are we going to ring him for?

We haven't spoken to him, have you? Well, I guess we should check in and see how the wedding's going at the very least. I assume they don't want to hear the message again. I hope to God that we don't get the message back. Yeah, oh God, if we do. I'm going to cry again if we get the message again. Alright.

Fucking great to be on the podcast again. I hope the vows are happening. Yeah, he's not going to pick up. We're going to get that sad message again. Just a reminder of this mortal coil we all live on. Who else has died that we can ring? Oh, God. Quick, cut it out.

I don't want to. I can't. Oh. It's like I'm hearing it for the first time again. Too soon. He left us too soon. Also, but let's be honest. What a fucking hot, like, what a shit answering phone message.

Like, if that's how you find out, like, you phoned up, how's your dad? And he's just like, I'm just in the message. Fuck it, I'll give you all the details then. Just a reminder to vote for Peter Hellyer for the gold one. tvweek.com.au slash gold logi. He won't let you down like you-know-who did. Oh, God. That was a very quick decision.

I regret it. Jesus Christ. I regret it. Like you-know-who. Wait, Carl, Carl, let's move on. We can just leave it behind us. Let's move on to the rat dad sketch. Oh, no!

The hope was that hearing the message again would remind you all, hey, you know what? Any moment could be your last. Let's really give it our all for this last ten minutes of the podcast. All right, let's ring him again. I got a good feeling about this one. Let's make it up to him this time. Yeah. What the hell? again. I got a good feeling about this one. Let's make it up to him this time.

What the hell? Who the fuck said that? No, you don't want to ask that. How do you have your hand up really loudly? Somebody has an arm up. Okay, it's our traditional part of the show where we ask questions. We take questions from the crowd.

Can we give away moose? Yeah, I don't need the moose. Can we give away moose? Would you like the Shrek edition or just... How many spoons do you want? So how do we give it away? Do we say who wants moose and then... Oh, well, I reckon we fire it through Shrek's arse.

I reckon we... You know what? I'll shit it. You've got the ticket list of who bought tickets today. Let's find someone who booked it really well in advance. Oh, okay. And then punish them. Okay, I've got the list.

Oh, we've got the list. This person booked on the 20th of December. Oh, wow. Okay. Ages ago. They are moose-worthy. That feels like it was in a different year. Nathan Adams.

Is it actually you? I'm going to need to see your driver's licence. Don't give that away willy-nilly. Let's see ID. Yeah. This could be 16 like this guy. Sorry, you want to... What?

Did you just shout your own name like you're a fucking Pokemon? Just walk around shouting your own name you dumb cunt. Jesus Christ. Oh, this will get girls to like me. Sit down, dog. So we've got Nathan Adams. That is him. He is very nice.

Why is it? Where? Ben Jones just yelled at him. To be fair, he did book on the 22nd of December. Well, he can have one. He can have one. But meanwhile, we've got a 30-year-old person's driver's license right here, which I'll be giving to the 16-year-old.

Yeah! Grab a drink. Grab a drink. Charlie K. 20th of December. Are there people yelling out twice? Because you can't just keep getting free noise. Charlie's just popular.

This is what, nobody wants the one I just fucking ate. I actually want to save one for myself so you can only give one away now. Doug Smallcomb. How do you say it? Smallacomb. That's a fucking stupid name, mate. That's real shit.

Doug Smallacomb. How is it spelled? Small A. How was high schoolelt? Small A. Smallacombe. That was high school for you. Yeah. How do you get that back in history when people, you know, when 500 years ago someone brushed their hair in a very tiny way and went, I'm going to take it from here, guys.

That is my name. Do you want to know the meaning? I do want to know the meaning. It means a small village by the sea. A small village by the sea. Real funny. I think the people have spoken.

Really funny. Yeah, you can get some fucking moose, buddy. I love that. He gets it. Alright. What have we got? We've got one more to give away. No, I want that one. No, I want that one. Oh, you want that one.

Okay, well, that's it. That's the end of the prize pack. Pete, sorry that we're just stealing all the classic bits that you guys do on the project every night. Yeah, I know. This must be very frustrating for you. These are all the segments you see. The old free moose giveaway.

Steve Price usually does that. Yeah, I watched you give away some custard on Friday night and I thought, this gives me an idea. You have an idea. Everyone look under your seats. No, seriously, they didn't clean up from last night, so... We should do that one live podcast. Put something under someone's seat.

That would be great. What would we put under people's seats, though? Dilrub. Well, Oprah uses cars. They've got to be a big fucking seat. Some of the chocolate mousse. Chocolate mousse. Chocolate mousse, just smeared under the chair.

I just smeared on the ground. Yeah. Yeah. I think we've fully answered the question, how does he come up with his ideas? Yeah. Very succinctly answered that question there, Carl. Let's go down the line.

Sloss, how do you come up with your ideas? What? How do you come up with your ideas? Oh, genuine question or joke answer? Joke answer, please. For the love of God. Fucking bitches, isn't it? Well, thank you. You're not a bitch.

Pete, how do you come up with your ideas? Google. Right, you just put ideas into Google and that's the show? Yes. Next question. I was happy with the laugh. You just go on to Georgie. How do you get your ideas, Georgie?

For comedy, I'll take it. For comedy. Sure, why not? No, no, no. What other ideas do you have any ideas you have please

oh many I invented every time I invent something it's already been invented what do you mean every time I invent loads of shit

name at least three things what have you invented for the second time so a plug that you can put a lock on if you don't

if you're inventing something I'm sorry a plug that you can put a lock on so If you don't... If you're inventing something... I'm sorry. A plug that you can put a lock on. So kids now have all the electronics in the bedrooms and you don't know what they're looking at. A plug you can lock so they can't turn anything on overnight.

That's called a PowerPoint. No, they can turn it back on again. You should be able to turn on the electricity to that. Just give them a fork to stick in it and they'll never charge anything again. Honestly, that'll fucking teach them. Sleeping bags with arms in. What?

Sleeping bags with arms in. That's been invented. I know. Every time I Google it, see if it's been invented. So those ideas. That's a tracksuit. Every time you Google it

to see if it's been invented, it's been invented. If you're inventing something for the second time, that's just stealing an idea. Well, no, I invented it. I've got an idea of a phone with a camera on it. You ocky strap it.

You invent it and then you think, oh, I'll patent that. I'll see if it's been invented. Then it's happened. Have you never invented anything? Hmm? No, but neither have you. Yeah, yeah.

I fucking have. I've thought of things. I've thought of a fridge. Turns out it already exists. Have you had an idea that you thought you got excited about and then you realised, what was the one? The big one.

She thought she invented fish. She's just like cats in the sea or whatever. Someone else can work out. Less legs, I don't know. Twice a mermaid. I don't fucking know. Someone else can work out. Yeah, but like, less legs, I don't know, you know, twice a mermaid. I don't fucking know.

I'm spitballing. Although I'm pretty, pretty sure you're a Shrek arsehole idea. We could get kids to eat vegetables if we used that. Why is Shrek

got vegetables up his arse? All right, here's your courgette. To be fair, I think that is the first time that's been invented. Come on, kids.

No, but I invented that. Who wants to give Shrek a rim job? Come on, kids. Yay! We love you, Mum. Hang on, we've got a kid here. Would you eat vegetables out of Shrek's house? Have you got any allergies?

Yeah! Oh, man. Oh, my God. Wow. I've never felt so much like Kevin Spacey. He never felt so alive. Son, when we get home, son, I'm going to have to tell you a few things.

You're not to do that. Don't take moose out of an arsehole from a stranger. But, hey, now, you are an all-star. Content girl liked it, that's all that matters. Content girl's applauding, we can see that. The content sees happy. I feel like we're in the Coliseum or something and we're waiting

for the thumbs up or the thumbs down. The content sees it. Thumbs up,'re in the Coliseum or something and we're waiting for the thumbs up or the thumbs down. The content sees it. Thumbs up. Thank you. We don't have to be eaten by lions. Thumbs up is... Thumbs up, just historically, thumbs up is actually bad in the Coliseum,

just FYI. Oh. Yeah. Thumbs up meant kill the cunt. Oh, what does thumbs down mean? Fucking let him live. Because everyone there wanted murder. So if he was like,

nah, fucking don't kill him, he's a good egg. Or it's just gonna be like, fucking neck him i mean i'm i'm paraphrasing right oh that's not actual roman speak no no but but genuinely it's an ancient myth that thumbs down means dead thumbs up means death kill him it's the coliseum it's the theater of death so thumbs up means end it unless uh whatever uh general was. So what did you mean? She meant bad content. What was the low point? Was the low point the message bank or was it the 16-year-old jumping on stage to lick Shrek's arsehole?

Because I'm on the fence with that one. Because you really jumped up with fucking gusto, I've got to say. Oh, God, the message bank was in the first, like, three minutes of the gig, so I hope that wasn't the low point, because we left ourselves nowhere to go. I'm still not understanding the message bank. Somebody dies and then he tries to sell you spare parts. Is that... Did I hear it right?

I think that's kind of what it is. It's like, if you're looking for Dad, he did, but I'm still here and I'll sell you whatever... I'll sell you whatever bunts and burners and shit you might possibly need. I reckon there's no need for that. It can just be like, hey, it's Greg or whoever. I run the family business now. I don't need to mention it.

Don't ask why. Just talented Mr Ripley. Just fucking take over. Hey, it's Greg. I'm the boss. Don't ask why. I think the next message we leave should be, are you okay? Do you know what I mean?

Just fucking order something. Oh, I thought you got it. She doesn't get it at all. I don't. Do you know that the, because you live in Adelaide. Yeah, still. You feel, it sounds a little bit bitter. Did you?

Oh, I can't I do love it here but I've got a bit of gypsy in me I want to move man You want to move? I want to move My husband got made redundant last week and he got offered a job in Melbourne

and wouldn't fucking move I know Nice Our house is like every film about a miners strike at the minute You know what I mean He just fucking

He like makes you turn light switches off to save money but you can still get pissed and smoke. That's kind of what... And he can take up gambling but we still have to fucking save on washing liquid and stuff. And he's in the audience tonight. I just can't imagine. How long ago

did you move over here and why? Eight years ago, adventure, and I have liked it. It's better over here, mate. You still live in Ireland. In Scotland. Yes, I'm still living in Scotland. It's just better here. The people are nicer.

You lot look way hotter without putting in any effort. That's one thing. That's true. No fake tan, no straightening. It's an attractive city, Adelaide, I have to say. It is. It really is. Some of you are fucking ugly.

Like, real stop mid-walk ugly. Like, oh, jeez. Some of you, lovely, sure, just to get ticket sales. But most of the time... That's the talk of a man at the very end of his fringe run. Both shows are sold out. Couldn't give a shit, cunts. I don't want your ugly

mugs ruining my gig. Do you let 16-year-olds into your show because someone's got something to do before going home to mummy and daddy tonight? That's just a fact! No, but why did you make it sound so kinky? It just was words

and it's your interpretation that went wrong. What? And shut up. He's weird. You paid to see this. Why would you interrupt such high quality content?

Content girl, not a fan. Was that a fist bump? Now she's giving thumbs down, which I am confused about. Throw them to the lions or keep talking about mummy and daddy? She's saying down, which means kill the bit. I think she's just hitchhiking at this point. Trying to get the fuck out of here. How do we do that thing where we magic a beer?

That happened before. Can somebody get the lady a beer? Thank you. And the other lady another cider, please. It's my day! The Cooper's Green one. That would be lovely. What else can we order?

Oh, well, you can get a 16 year old Thank you, thanks Craig Oh, bless you You can get verbal abuse on the street Yeah I've noticed that in a lot of places I do get heckled I get called fat a lot on the street

I want to bring back the wolf whistle I know everyone's trying to get rid of it But I fucking loved it Thank you Yeah, we're behind that We would never fat shame anyone wolf whistle and everyone's trying to get rid of it, but I fucking loved it. Thank you! We're behind that. We would never fat shame anyone, so we're behind that wolf whistle. Totally, let's do that. I just want people to feel good about themselves and who they are.

Guys, don't kill yourself. You should love being Irish. They're a great people. I will fucking cut you. It's my day. I'll get away with it. This is a mixed message. Have you two got any other nationality in you?

Are you anything other than Aussie, Aussie, Aussie? Are you like fifth generation Aussie? This is Tommy Dasolo. One of the great Italian comedians. One of the great Italian comedians. So Italian looking. Yeah, exactly. Thank you.

One of the great Naples comedians of all time. Yes, thank you, mate. Yeah. Apart from wearing a jacket for no reason, I'm not getting the Italian thing at all. What do you mean wearing a... Is that a classic Italian move? I think they wear a dapper jacket with things.

A jacket for no reason. Well, we're inside, you know. I'm sitting right next to the air conditioner. And also the coldest man on earth. I'm freezing up. Sorry, I didn't realise you were a pussy. The bits of me that are exposed are getting fucking frostbite. Alright, so you're a bit Italian and what are you?

He's not Italian at all. He made that name up. Shut up, you stupid skip. That's his Shelby's name. Is that your Shelby's name, Tommy? Yeah. How do you not know that? It's his real name.

Why did you choose that? Great question. He'll feel this one. No good reason for it, being 16 and starting... Oh, like him. This guy. What's your fake name, brother? What's your...

Oh, Johnny Nothing. Nice. We need to give him a good name. So you started comedy at 16. You called yourself Tommy Daslow. Trying to get into that sweet... What the hell was that? That was a fucking Halloween special. What was that noise? Is that even a good name?

That's a... It's not actually a name. What was that noise? Is that even a good name? It's not actually a name. Like, there's no one else in the world with the name Dassault, is there? Yeah, exactly. So how did you pluck that out of the ether? Oh, you've actually never asked me this before. It's worth asking every two years or so, I think. Yeah.

Georgie needs to know. Yeah, I do. You all want to know. And we want to rechristen him at some point as well. What is the current surname? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Were you confused by your own name?

Find him on Facebook and troll him. Go on, sir. Emerson. We'll work it by the end. Go on. How do we get to Dassolo from whatever? I literally did pluck it out of thin air. Just invented it. I don't see how.

Unless you punched a fucking Scrabble board. There's not a chance. Maybe that's what I did. It was so long ago. I was 16. It was all of about six years ago that I came up with it. Is there any chance we can change in it?

Legally, absolutely. In the UK, you can do it for 100 quid. To what? To something really dumb like Allsop. I'd be into it. If I... I've done it several times with my friends where I'll just dare them to get their middle name changed

legally if I pay for it. So I've got a friend called Alistair Danger Hog. Danger Hog. Danger Hog. Wait, and Hog wasn't the bit that you changed? I've got a friend, I changed her middle name to Princess. If I pay for it, will you get your middle name changed to Content?

If you pay for it, I'll change my middle name to Comedy. Done. Yeah! I didn't realise. I didn't realise this was an auction. Oh, best thing

I've ever done in my fucking life. If we pay for it and crowdfund enough money for you to make a profit, will you change your middle name to Irish? Not a fucking chance. No. What about just an O? So it's Daniel O. Sloss.

Yes. Yes. Or just a name. Or just... Or just anything that starts with O, like Orville or something. Oh, so just like the initial. Orgasm. Yeah.

Daniel Orgasm Sloss. Okay, I'm listening. Everyone wins out of that. I shall consider it. Oh, yes. And by consider it, I mean phone my mum. So you're good at names, Rechristian, the Emerson. Oh, Jesus.

Just a whole surname, not a middle name. And we'll pay for it. What do you want to be when you're good at names. Re-christen the Emerson. Oh, Jesus. Just a whole surname, not a middle name. And we'll pay for it. What do you want to be when you're older? A comedian. I said that with such sarcasm. A comedian. Imagine. What's your first name?

Dashiell. We've got to change the first name. Dashiell. Dashiell Emerson. Dashiell Emerson. Dashiell Emerson. Can you spell Dashiell for me? He's very confident. Okay.

For you. You've done this before. Where does it come from? Bogan parents? No. You're Ian Bogan, man. I'll fight every one of you. What does Dashiell mean?

Names usually mean something. What does Dashiell mean? Names usually mean something I've never heard of Dashiell Small village by the sea I believe That's a very interesting name Do you know where it comes from? I think it's islands I'll fucking gut you This is a guest on our show.

That's not cool. God. Wait, 16, is that mean, are you technically an adult yet? To be up, not to fuck. I want to clarify that. Do you check someone's driver's licence before you beat them up? Yeah, of course, yeah, yeah. I'm not going to go...

What is going on? Somebody dropped something and then the lowest form of comedy piped up. Oh, Cody's still here. Great. He's driving me home. All right.

I reckon we'd better wrap this up, hey? All right. not too enthusiastic we're going to take Dashiell out to fully lose his virginity tonight this is going to be sick just before we do

I want it known to all the podcast listeners you shook my hand on that Carl so you will if I pay for it you will get your

middle name changed to comedy that's it right done wow Bill, get your middle name changed to comedy. That's it. Right, done. Wow. Driving around in a car with a license plate got him and your middle name is comedy. Fuck.

Oh, fuck. I'm going to bash myself. Oh, very good, folks. Please give it up for Georgie Carroll. Yeah. Peter Hellier. Danny O'Sloss. Oh, very good, folks. Please give it up for Georgie Carroll. Yeah. Peter Hellier. Danny O'Sloss.

To be sure. Folks, thank you so much for coming out and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. And they've done it again. Oh. Back to back to back to back to back. They've done it again. Now, we are back to back to back to back. They've done it again. Now, we are recording this before I've actually started editing the episode that people just heard.

So, interesting afternoon for me, I reckon. Yeah. Cut this one up. Yep. Very messy in the room. The old second episode back to back live record means that things get a bit loose, things get a bit all over the joint. But I remember it being a very fun one. Yeah, it was fun. Yeah, it was a fun day.

Yes. Yeah, good time had by all. But yeah, always a very challenging afternoon in the edit suite, especially in this one where I think we spend about 15 minutes talking about a light in the room. So I do not know how that's going to come up on the audio medium. Great. Well, I'm sure they've enjoyed've enjoyed everyone's enjoyed that by now um but yeah that's that's that's the uh that's

our little foray to adelaide i've done i've said the word done and dusted we are so far ahead with ebbs at the moment like we did this what people just heard was recorded like what a month ago i feel like maybe uh we're doing our live shows better because i haven't heard anyone complain about us doing live shows for a while, you know, once we released them. Well, maybe those people have just stopped listening altogether. So we've like just whittled down to the core. Some people want to build their audience.

We want to kind of pare it down to just the real true believers. Yeah. Anyone that complains, I'm willing to absolutely lose them. I'll rain shit upon them. Because really all we need is like eight listeners that are prepared to pay us $30,000 each per year. And then we're set. That's fine. How many of them do we have at the moment? Just the one. So you and I, a sweet 15k per year, but that's a good place to start from.

That's not too bad. Yeah, that's fine. I'll take that. We could push them for more. Maybe we could just go back to that one person and ask for more. Like what do you want from us? We literally will do whatever you want if you just pay us a yearly salary. Put us on retainer. Imagine going back to someone who pays $30,000 and goes, thanks, but we sort of need a bit more. Need a little more, dude.

Come on, there's been some good shows lately. Come on, it's worth it. Chip in. Keep the light running. Yeah. So anyway, if you heard all that, hopefully these episodes are a good advertisement for you to come to our live shows. And we always have a lot of fun.

There's a lot of fun in the room. So please. And you know what? I'll say this. And I think we both agree with this. Here comes a big statement. Oh, and i'm being lumped in on it you are you totally are oh wow i'm not scared to lump you in on this one

you know what i'll say this and i think we both agree the holocaust is definitely a myth well that's all right secondly the second point that we both agree on is that it's been you know what as this podcast gets bigger and bigger and bigger, more and more people listen. It never goes down. It always goes up. So it's like, great. More people go to the live shows. But always good to just get recognised in the street over and over and over and go, ah, so big fan, eh?

Yeah, love the show. Coming to any of the solo or even the live podcast? No. Yes, more and more that's happening. A woman the other night, walking around the comedy festival, a woman sprinted across the street, was yelling as she was halfway across the road, are you Tommy Dasolo?

Before she was even near me and was like a huge fan and, yes, not coming to the solo, not coming to the live podcasts. Look, well, dare I say it, don't come up. You know what I mean? If you know that you haven't been to any of the shows, don't. It's a bad look. Because you can always smell it a mile away. You can tell.

Don't say big fan. Come on, say moderate. I've heard it before. You're not a big fan if you're not coming. I know who you are. I recognise you. I just want to come and talk to someone whose voice I've heard before. Yeah, yeah.

Instead of, I don't want to pay to come and see you. I just want you for free on the street. Because this was the big giveaway to me. This happened – the other night I had four people in a row do this and this was after we'd just done a live podcast. So this was maybe two hours afterwards where people would come up and go, are you Tommy Dassler? It's like, okay, so you clearly haven't been in the room watching me before.

You've had to clarify it. Otherwise you'd go, oh, that's the guy that looks similar and he's wearing identical clothes. Yes. So, I mean, that's the biggest giveaway. Yeah. Yeah. No, I had a conversation with someone at Hungry Jack's the other night.

I'm a big fan. And they're like, oh, classic place to meet, Hungry Jack's. I'm like, yeah, nice one. And it was after the live podcast. Oh, did you just come? Yeah. You know what's even a more classic place to bump into me? At one of my fucking live shows.

Oh, classic. Bumping into you here. This is all time. What are the odds? Yeah. So, look, I feel like we used to say this a bit, but now I'm bringing it back. It's back. Fucking hurry up.

Just, you know, if you listen, come and do your bit. Yeah, we're good. The live shows are really fun. And you know what? Contrary to – I'm just sick of copying it on the podcast about this because people listening at home, there'll be someone that takes it as genuine. We're good at stand-up. Our stand-up shows are good.

You're going to have a good time. Yeah, they're lots of fun and you don't get to hear them otherwise. Yes. So, yeah, they're fun. Come along. I don't mind the jokes but it's – as long as we all know it's jokes. Exactly. Well, that's why I mind the jokes because I think a lot of people don't know that they're jokes.

Anyway, so speaking of which, the true believers of you that are listening, you'll be getting very fired up for this Sunday evening, 11pm, the, what is this, the 6th, 7th annual drunk cast? I don't know. So if you are, of course, listening to this straight away and you're not some truck driver that discovers this in the year 2023, if you're listening to it straight away, hold off the presses. It's the 22nd of April, 2018.

Straight away, hot off the presses, it's the 22nd of April 2018. Our yearly drunk cast, our unrecorded live drunk cast, which no one gets to hear unless you come to the show. And, of course, there's little stipulations on it, which mean you require a season pass for the live shows that have preceded it. That guarantees you entry into the room if you bring along a sweet little $5 note on the way in, cash money style. And so if you're one of the many, many, many people that have a season pass, bang. First access are you guys.

You guys are the VIP. Priority access, yeah. You are the kings of the air. Yeah. Now moving on to the cunts on the ground. Yes. The people who have bought single tickets to the shows. Appreciate it.

You get to go in second once there's room after the first lot. Go in. And there is a quiet lot in the first lot of the season passes. So you then get the next best. You have to line up, wait for it, and then you have to pay a big sweet $10 note on the way in. So then, look, hopefully we squeeze everyone in because you know what? We always anticipate it's going to be chockers and it always is. But one thing does put people off, which is it's fucking 11 o'clock on a Sunday night.

Yes, yes. We will say like it's been chockers every year. We're yet to have one where we've had to turn people away. Yeah. We've been very lucky. We've always been able to get everyone in. But as it gets bigger and more popular, the worry is that that day is coming. Yeah.

I mean, we did have to knock people back at the roast last year. But I think last year, the drunk cast, I think we just were snug. We were very snug. What I love about this- This year, we've got bigger numbers. Yeah. So- What I love about this system of $5 or $10 is so people have to get those notes on the way in.

And it's, I mean, it's a chore. You can't just get a 20 out of the ATM. You're having to withdraw some money and then go break it somewhere. That's what I like about it. Like thinking about a couple of hundred people being moderately inconvenienced late on a Sunday night makes me very, very happy. Especially after possibly lining up for a couple of hours because we've had this before with the drunk cast where people have

lined up and, you know, look, I think this will happen this year because I really am a bit wary of everyone being able to fit in because the season passes will be, you know, way over half of the capacity already. People having to line up for that long is a bummer. I wish we could do like, you know, at Disney World you can get a little ticket that holds your place in the line.

No, no, no. And then you just get to leave. You like seeing the line. Yes. Oh, I feel severely guilty watching it, I have to say. Really? I like it. I like it snaked around the block.

Well – It makes me think that we're the Beatles just over the road from the European Beer Cafe because that's where they stayed at the Southern Cross Hotel back in the 60s. Yeah. Right. Just over the road. So we're them.

What is that across the road now? Is it Vic Roads or is it a Centrelink? Yeah, something like that. Vic Roads. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Well, just so you know, folks, if you're lining up and you see either of us walking in, if you see Carl, you'll know that he's loving it.

If you see me, you'll know that I'm severely wracked by guilt at having to watch you line up. You'll see me from the balcony waving at you from above and blowing kisses. That's what I'll be doing at the European Big Cafe. I might bring in some books or something for people to read while they're in the line. Oh, nice. I'll bring in some comics for people.

Some refreshments? Yeah. Would you do that? Oh, maybe. Some orange slices. Yeah. Get my mum to make some sausage rolls. Get a sunny boy out of Sam Simmons' ar and feed it to the people in line maybe.

Yeah. No, so that's going to be heaps of fun. And you know what? Also, in this ongoing cashless society getting even more so like that, can't wait for someone to wait in line for a couple of hours and then get to the front and go, you've got FPOS, right? No. No.

Oh, go to the back of the line. Well, you know, it's going to be tough. But bring cash. There'll be someone at a wooden table. We don't have EFTPOS. Just bring some cash along. It's not that hard. Five bucks or ten bucks, whatever.

This is going to be a nightmare. Well, I won't be on the door, so who cares? Okay, so we need to get into doing our Patreon read stuff. We should say quickly thank you very much to a lot of great feedback on last week's edition of Talking Dum Dum. Lots of people really enjoyed that. I was thinking for this week because last week we talked about incest for an extended period of time.

Go on. The week before that we talked about fucking a dog for a very extended period of time. I think we should make a bit of an effort to make this one a bit clean. Push it harder. I just think we need to cleanse the palate. Go even harder, do you think? No, I just think we need to, you know, let's do our best to, you know,

not be so profane. Worse than dog fucking. It's like you're not even listening to what I'm saying. Okay, I got you. All right, I'll go hard. All right, let's fire up the old unplanned title alternator for this week. UTA. No, I never thought about that.

UTA. Here we go. Let's hit the big old shiny red button one more time this week. Well, no, sorry. How many? I don't know how many times. Five just... That's a bit Freudian.

We hadn't decided on a number yet, but you just accidentally said five. So I guess we'll do five. Did I say that? Yeah, you must have been, like I said, Freudian. You must have been thinking about how you want to fuck the number five. Sorry, keeping it clean. Make passionate love to the number five. Up its asshole.

I don't think I said five. I thought I said, why have I not already started yet? I think that's what I said. So let's start. Okay. Like I said. So let's start. Okay. Like I said. Yep. Right.

Number one, cab off the rank is, thank you to Patreon subscriber, Adrian Cardnell. Cardinal. No, Card-nell. Card-nell. Sounds like Cardinal, though. Yeah. And it's a pretty bad time in history to have a name that sounds like Cardinal. Yeah.

Why? Keep it clean. Keep it clean. Keep it clean. Because it sounds dumb. Oh, okay. You went to a religious school, didn't you? I did. To Catholic?

Anglican. What does that mean? I have no idea. Right. It never came up. Really? Yeah. First day of school, they don't go,

you've probably got some questions about what this Anglo shit is all about. Here's a PowerPoint presentation. But the reverend at my school after I left got in a bit of trouble, didn't he? Oh, why? What for? Tax fraud. What a cliche. It's true what they say.

You can't trust any of them. Trying to fuck the tax office. I get it. Yeah. The underage tax office. I get it. I think I know what's happening here. Really molesting that group certificate.

He needs to confess to the ATO. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, because I don't know anything about religion. I'm just so agnostic as it were. But I don't know what – So you're not atheist? You're agnostic?

Yeah, agnostic. Right. Yeah, I think that's what I am. I kind of want to be atheist though because the idea of having anything in common with you, it all sickens me. Yeah, no, but I'm more put off atheist by atheists. Yeah, true. But that does surprise me.

So you're not – it surprises – so, you know, you don't think – you're open to the idea of there being a God, but you don't necessarily believe in it. Technically, I just don't care. Okay. That's the technical term, I believe. Okay. Yeah.

I'm not open to anything. I just don't care. Okay. Yeah. Whatever happens, happens. I just don't – I don't see you as someone who's got a hint in the back of their mind of like, there could be something. I haven't even thought.

I haven't even looked in the recesses of the mind. There needs to be a new religion for whatever you are. Haven't even given it a moment of thought. Beliefs about the higher power in the universe and what's watching over us. Just been busy. Haven't had time to really give it any kind of mental time. And if there is someone, I reckon I probably know better. So I'm not really looking into it.

Oh, the least surprising thing I've ever heard you say. I thought you'd like that. The rapture happens and you're just there going, fucking what do you call this? Yeah, yeah. How do you fuck a rapture up and you're just there going, fucking what do you call this? Yeah, yeah. How do you fuck a rapture up, you idiots? Fuck.

There's too much brimstone here. Get rid of this. Thanks, Adrian. Thanks, Adrian. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Nathan Green. Greeno. There we go. A bit simpler.

Nathan Green, yes. Oh, you're happy about that? Yes. Great.. There we go. A bit simpler. Nathan Green. Yes. Oh, you're happy about that? Yes. Great. Thank you very much. Oh, very nice. Nathan Green. Green Nathan.

Greeno. A bit of a… The Jolly Green Nathan. Do you think if you had the surname Green, do you think it would… I would personally do everything I could to stay away from being into marijuana. Oh. Because, you know, you just would never hear the end of it. Anytime you're like – if you're someone that's like super into it,

anytime you're blazing up around friends, ah, yeah, green, oh, yeah, like green, yeah. You have to be straight edge. I agree. And I think we have both been lucky with our surnames in that it doesn't lend itself to very easy, immediate, obvious jokes and whatever. Chandler is like whatever. I'll cop it from listeners.

Every time someone will see Chandler kitty litter, I get sent a picture or people will bring it to the live shows. That's about it. There's not even the old electrical store Chandlers anymore. Oh, you would cop it over that. Yeah. Oh, that's you. You PowerPoint loving motherfucker.

That's you. I bought a toaster from you. And all sop, again, doesn't really lend itself to much. I got soppy. Yeah. That's it. That's not anything. That's it.

Yeah. But if you're green, someone's looking for angles your whole life. Yeah. There's something there. Brown would be a bad one. Yeah. Because you're the colour of... Green.

You're copping green with envy. You're copping... You're copping green with envy. Yeah. Yeah. That'd be in there somewhere. It'd be pretty low down the list. It's tough being green.

You know, the Kermit the Frog song. Yeah. A bit of Kermit stuff. Yeah. And again, like green as in new, fresh as in, oh, he's a bit green. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Green around the gills. Yep, yep.

Again, I think these are all a bit too obscure for most schoolyard bullies, but sure. I guarantee Nathan's copped all of these angles in some way. You know what's great is anytime we do this and we ask people to write in and tell us what they've copped, people pretty much always do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've had people send us videos. We never really follow up on it, but pretty much every time we ask people to write in and tell us what they've copped, people pretty much always do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've had people send us videos. We never really follow up on it, but pretty much every time we've said to someone, send us a video of you pronouncing your own name, they do it within about two days.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, look, there was a guy next door to me when I was growing up with the surname Green, and he was a Jehovah's Witness going back into the religious angle. Did you used to go out into the backyard and ask his advice and you'd never see his face? No, no. No, he was – I think he might be dead, this guy. Wow.

Yeah. Scoop, one of the few people that I went to school with. You know, is there anyone that you went to school with that is dead now? Yes. Oh, interesting. Any interesting follow-ups there? They're all suicides. Oh, interesting. Any interesting follow-ups there? They're all suicides. Oh, nice.

Yes. How'd they get that? So, no, there was someone with the surname Green that was fucking mental, to be honest, and so I can see why he's no longer with us. But he was Jehovah's Witness, which is another giveaway that you might be slightly mental. A Jehovah's Witness in Maryborough? Yeah.

Wow. Big old Kingdom Hall. There used to be, I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but there was a very religious family next door to us. And so, of course, the kings of the door knocking. Nice one. All right. We'll start with us.

Yeah. Have another crack at it. Yeah. No, no thanks. Right. Just chuck some pamphlets over the fence and if we want to have a look at them, we will. You don't need to knock on the fucking door. Yeah.

I mean, you haven't even, you know, you're, I mean, you're younger then than you are now. And even now you haven't really given thought to a higher power or what's out there. You're like, mate, I'm so fucking far behind. Yes. I've got no, I haven't thought about this in any way. Yeah.

But anyway, he dead now. He dead. Oh, well. Well, and wait, why did that come up? Because his name was Green? Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. Thanks, Nathan. Thanks, Nathan. And wait, why did that come up? Because his name was Green? Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Thanks, Nathan. Thanks, Nathan. Hope it wasn't your relative. Not because he's dead, because he was a real fucking idiot. So, yeah, I'm not, I'm not unglad he's gone. Well, this guy's, you know, donating money to a podcast. So there's no way he could be related to someone who's an idiot. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Tina Barnett.

Tina Barnett. I believe that might be the first Tina we've had in the Patreon read. Ooh. Tiny Tina. Tiny Tina. Tina Barnett. It's good because, you know, Courtney Barnett, great musician. Tina Arena, great musician.

Oh. But those, you know. A Frankenstein of Australian musicians. Yes. Is that what you're saying? Yes. Yeah. Just jammed together to make a super Australian musician.

Yes, exactly. You get it. Yeah. Wow. That's like, and I'm sure I've told this, this is, sorry, I'm going back into Marabar stories again. One of my favorite things of going to school was that I had, and I told this so long ago that it's worth bringing up again,

but there was a bunch of friends of mine that never mentioned this to me at all, but they would spend their nights and weekends travelling around under cover of darkness and going to schools or municipal offices and breaking into them and stealing their computers. Yes. Do you remember me telling you that? Yeah, I remember this, yeah.

This is a deep cut. Yes. And so it was fascinating because it was like a real crime wave at the time. Yes. Do you remember me telling you that? Yeah, I remember this, yeah. And so – This is a deep cut. Yes. And so it was fascinating because it was like a real crime wave at the time. Yes. Wow. Anyway, then it gets sprung. They get sprung and they immediately like – I think they got greedy as what happens in the classics.

Someone got greedy and went back in. I believe actually the alarms in some library or something went off and they all took off and one of them went, eh, no one's going to come to an alarm and then went back in. I believe actually the alarms in some library or something went off and they all took off and one of them went, eh, no one's going to come to an alarm and then went back in and they came to the alarm. Because why wouldn't you come to the alarm? So they got caught. A couple of them did. Now, a bunch of them weren't there

so they went to dispose of the evidence and they just got all the computers and they chucked it in a dam near their house, which they then found immediately. A dam full of computers. Someone went to catch a yabby and come up with an Amstrad instead. Came up pretty quickly. So, but it went, like, it was going all through the paper like, oh, these criminal thieves, these masterminds, these computer masterminds.

And what they were saying in our local paper, in the Mirabarra Advertiser was, all the headlines on the front paper was, they computer masterminds. And what they were saying in our local paper in the Mirabar advertiser was, all the headlines on the front paper was, they're building a supercomputer. That's right. A supercomputer full of 286s. Yeah, link them all together and then we're going to fucking send this city to the moon. Yeah.

If we can get this whole network happening, we could possibly get like a one meg file we can use as a wallpaper. Yep, yep. Fuck you, Ballarat. Yeah, man, so funny. network happening we could possibly get like a one meg file we can use as a wallpaper yep yep fuck you ballarat yeah man so funny and then they uh uh when the when this all went down i think it happened on a saturday night and we were playing soccer on the sunday morning and most of the people involved played for our soccer team so in our under 16 soccer by the way i love that you're sticking to the story of It sounds like literally every single one of your friends

Was involved in this But you're like I had nothing to do with it Man I reckon you did No here's the thing I was actually a bit insulted Because when it all came out I was like

How come you never fucking told me Fair play Guys I'm the world's best safe cracker And you don't think to ask me in on this I was pretty lucky actually But it was pretty funny Because people did think, oh, you would have known. I was like, fuck, I didn't know. So you're literally, you've fallen in with the wrong crowd, but you didn't even know it.

But there are a bunch of dorks as well. Like, you would never have picked them because they weren't cool. They were just fucking idiots. When you said they were, you know, they're capable of breaking in somewhere. What they choose to steal is computers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dork's the first thing that springs to mind. Yeah, sure.

So it got broken to us on the Sunday morning as we were going to play soccer and half our team was missing. Arrested, yeah. Yeah, yeah. They had to come in and go, look guys, sit down. Sit down.

We've got something, you know, pretty traumatic to tell you. Half your team, you know these guys, they've been caught, they're under arrest for stealing computers. This is like the start of Mean Machine.

They're like, are you going to be okay? And we just pissed ourselves laughing. It was so fucking funny. People we know are in jail? Fuck yeah! Yeah, great. And so what, did they do

any time? That's pretty serious, like breaking and entering. Oh, I think they really splintered up and some of them were just blaming the others. I think some of them were like properly- Separate them immediately and turn them on each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some of them were real, like some of them were just general dickheads and some of them were fucking real rotten eggs, I would say.

And they just went, oh, we didn't do any of it. It was the other ones. Did they end up getting let off because it turned out Rotten eggs, I would say. And they just went, oh, we didn't do any of it. It was the other ones. And it was like. Did they end up getting let off because it turned out they'd been stealing the computers to put together Since I Left You? And once the cops heard that, they were like, this is like a landmark event in modern music. You're off the hook. That's where the second album was all those years ago.

In the bottom of a dam, in this waterlogged fucking Mac with like the big coloured back to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The old iMac. No, it was way before that. Was it old 286? Yeah, yeah, right, right. But yeah, man. Yeah, I don't think that much happened because they were like 15 or 16 years old.

So the worst punishment was when they eventually came back to school in like a week or two, just they couldn't walk anywhere without someone yelling at them, computer, computer. The high level of bullying going on there. Not even bothering to spin it into any kind of nickname, just the word of the thing that they stole. That's great. That's great. Computer. That's great. That's great.

Computer. That's great. Your mate gets like locked up for robbing a bank and then you just like when he gets out, $10,000. Larceny. Fuck. The great, you know, when people, it's like when people go to like an English soccer match and they have so much wit and banter and, you know, when people – it's like when people go to like an English soccer match and they have so much wit and banter and, you know,

they create these very awesome songs and parodies. Up there having a laugh. Yeah, all that. And then they come to Australia in the footy and it's just like people going, yeah, fucking cats. That's what Mirabar is. That's what Mirabar is. Oh, man.

Great stuff. Wait, what was this guy's name? That was Tina Barn is. Oh, man. Great stuff. Wait, what was this guy's name? That was Tina Barnett. Tina Barnett. So wait, so it was Tina Arena, Courtney Barnett, and then you tell a long story about stealing computers. What was the link there? How did we get there?

There was something in there. Oh, you know what it was? It was the combination of Courtney Barnett and Tina Turner. Not Tina Turner, Tina Arena. The super combo of two musical artists. I was thinking Super Computer.

Oh my God. Wow. Okay. There you go. Cool. Great. We got back there. Well, thanks Tina Barnett.

Thanks Tina Barnett. Great name, I gotta say. Yeah. Great name. Yeah. Inspired a great story. Thank you to Patreon subscriber

or which is exactly what people should be yelling at this person from now on. Subscriber, Patreon. Well, you're implying that this is a crime to have been doing this. Well, it sort of is. To be funding something this fucked. If you're using money that you stole to fund this and you get done. Let's say you get done for like, yeah, money laundering or whatever.

And part of what you've been doing with your money that you've stolen from your company is funding this. Yeah. Would we have to – like would this podcast then technically be a proceed of crime and we would have to be locked up in some government office? I was going to say, can you launder this? You can't launder it because you're not getting anything back. Oh, that's interesting.

Maybe then you're taking the bonus episodes that you get for this and, like, you're selling them for money on the dark web. Do you think we've ever got any mafia ill-gotten gains through this Patreon? Yeah, I mean, there must be. We must have. At the very least. We must have.

Like you're saying, there must have been a mafia. So listen to this show. I want to contribute. At the very, very least, I reckon there's a kid who's, like, you know, got their parents' credit card to fund. At the very, very least, I reckon there's a kid who's like, you know, got their parents' credit card to fund this that the parents don't know about or taken, you know, 20 bucks out of the mum's purse or whatever it is. At the very least. Let us know.

If you've ever killed someone for money and then shoved that money into here, we'd like to know about it. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I don't know that I want to know about it. I do. I don't want to be an accessory after the fact. I'll risk it.

Okay. I'm interested. Call Carl directly. Don't call me. Just email me. Email's fine. Don't call him because the phone, it might not be a secure line. Yes.

Yeah, I mean, I'm under the impression. I reckon my phone would be tapped. We should just put it out there on the podcast that you're an FBI informant and then you'll stop getting all these calls from people who are like, I'm high on drugs because there's a risk they could be put away. Fuck. I'm still – yeah, anyway. Let's not talk about that.

All right. Anyway, next name. Yep. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Michelle Horobin. Horobin. Got a bin on the end of her name. Horobin. Now, that's bad.

That's bad for growing up. Well, yeah. Horror bin. Horror bin. Scary bin. Yeah. Spooky garbage. Yucky.

That waste paper is haunted. Well, I mean, you know, rubbish is kind of like in a way, you know, the ghost of a former product. Oh. So that is spooky. Yeah. Oh, there used to be a sandwich in here and now it's dead. Maybe that's where they put Ghoulies 2, the movie, in the horror bin because it was shit.

Oh, nice. Yeah. There you go. There's another angle. Michelle. Nothing but angles here today. Yeah. We are fecund today.

We are very fertile with angles, I think. What? Fecund. What did you call me? I remember that being one of the few words that really stuck out to me in high school. We studied a book and someone said one of the words involved was like fecundity. And I remember the English teacher saying, you know what, take that word with you. That's like such a unique sort of word.

That's the one word you can take out of this book and just remember it. And I did. Yeah, well, the system works. Yeah, thanks, Miraburra High School, which is now demolished. Speaking of terms, we say on the show a lot we use the phrase inside baseball and I use it in conversation a bit. And someone asked me the other day, where does that come from? Because I've all of a sudden started hearing you use it a lot and heaps of people use it

a lot. And I was like, oh yeah, fair enough. I guess I do use it a lot. I was trying to explain what it means. But then, yeah, the next day I like was watching a TV show where they used it. I saw a friend of the show, Kyle Kinane, do his standup show last night. He uses it in his show. The phrase inside baseball is really having a moment in 2018.

I think the phrase inside baseball is a bit inside baseball. Well, I think this was Dilrick who was telling me this. Hang on, Dilrick who? Jones. My friend Dilrick Jones. Right. Who lives next door to me. Really?

Yeah. That's an odd combo of names. Dilrick Jones? Yeah. In what way? Well, it's a pretty Anglo surname and then to give your son a very, I mean, I guess, Well, you know, hipster parents. Oh, right.

He's one year old. So, hang on. So, Dilruch Jones was telling you this next upcoming story. So, his first words were inside baseball, and then his previous words after that were an explanation of where the phrase inside baseball comes from. Hang on, his previous words after that were an explanation of where the phrase inside baseball comes from. His previous words after that. How do you have previous words after something? Oh, give it a rest.

You know what I meant. It seems like Dilruch's got a better grasp of the English language than you do at one years old. You take that back. But, yes, he was saying it was an old sports show on TV and there was one called Inside Soccer and inside basketball as well right so then why did we pick the baseball one to be the saying that people use that i don't think we picked i think you've probably heard it from american people but that's what i mean why like so given that there were three separate shows

that all had the title inside and were about a sport why was the baseball one the one that got picked up to be the saying? Well, you've got to pick one. Hey, you know what? I'm happy to accept that as an answer. I'll go back home to this one-year-old and I'll tell him that. Yeah, tell him. And you know what I think you'll say to that?

What? Goo-goo-ga-ga. At one years old? Yes. Right. Well, I'll tell you what. I'd like to have a talk to his parents because it seems fascinating to me that you would have a name Dilrick Jones. Well, you know, I'll tell you what I'd like to have a talk To his parents Because it's just It seems fascinating to me That you would have

A name Dilrick Jones Well you know I'll ask him I mean You've got your good name Like Jones And then you Then you have to

Label him such a filthy Fucking dirty sounding name First name Yeah I guess I've never Thought of it that way Because you know I just look and

I see this sweet little baby But yeah You're right I mean You're sort of We talk a lot about names On this show, but you're sort of banishing this kid to a pretty horrible life with a fucking real turd of a name like that. Like, you know sometimes when you meet someone and they've got like a name and you think,

well. Sometimes I do meet people and they have a name. Oh, true. Go on. It's happened to me. Give me three examples. It's happened to me several times. Well, the first time I met you, the first thing that struck me about you was like,

I'll be damned if this cunt doesn't have a name. I don't know if we need to use the C word in there. But anyway, I don't think we need that. But you know sometimes when someone's got a name and you think, well, they're destined to be like this from now on. If you've got a name, if you've got a certain name, then you've got no chance. You're given a shit name like fucking Fire Engine or whatever, you know, these fruity Hollywood names.

Is that Jason Lee's kid? Yeah, something like that. Well, you're fucked forever, aren't you? So sometimes you're just destined to become that person. So this guy, what I'm saying is this poor little one-year-old. This poor little one-year-old, Dilbrook Jones. Fuck, I think he's destined to turn up like one of your schoolmates and just fucking end it all soon.

So how young are you allowed to do it? Very traumatic experiences when those happen, so thanks for bringing it up again. Anyway, look, I'll check in with him. I'll have a chat to him. I'll chat to the parents. I'll see where they got the name and I'll follow up on this next week. Great.

I'll bring it. From now on, I'll bring in weekly updates about Dilwook Jones, the one-year-old baby that taught me the phrase inside baseball that lives next door to me. I'm keen to hear the upcoming adventures. Great description. A one-year-old baby. And also. This 30-year-old baby. And also.

This 30-year-old baby that lives next door to me. Also, I'm just pretty keen to know how you got friends with a one-year-old baby next door to you. How did you strike up that relationship? Every time I'm out in the backyard, I just see him peering over the fence. Does he just knock on the fence to borrow a cup of milk or what happens? Yes, yes. Borrow a cup of musk?

What do you call it? Musk? No, tusks. Strange that he's like asking to borrow milk from me when he's got the most natural source of milk going around. What? He's got a cow. A cow next door.

Well, sorry, the second most natural. Oh, what's that? Yes? Pure light start. Oh, right. A cow and pure light start. That's right. Cacao and Purellite start. That's where the cows get it. They drink it and then it's like coming out.

Yeah. It's filled. It's processed. I'm going to have to stick my head over the fence next time I'm around at your place. Maybe we could get him on the show when we record at your place. I mean, it's a nice apartment that you live in, but brother, you're missing out. Not having a backyard and a back fence to stick your head over. I mean...

I don't really know any of my neighbours here. We're separated. I mean, there could be a one-year-old head over. I don't really know any of my neighbours here. We're separated. I mean, there could be a one-year-old next door and I've never even struck up a conversation with him. Right, right. Yeah, I'm really one down on you. I feel a little bit isolated now. Well, you've got to do some door knocking.

Yeah. Is that what you did? Is there any one-year-olds in here? Oh, excellent. We used the sound effect CD for that one. That would be great, doing door knocking around your apartment building and people are thinking like, fucking hell, here's some religious nut with a pamphlet.

Yeah. And you're just like, nah, just gathering intel for my comedy podcast. Scouting for new friends. Have you got anyone in there under the age of two? Is there anything fucked about you that I can make fun of on my podcast? Have you got any weirdly named one-year-olds in there? Oh, you do? Oh, okay.

Just open the door, a 40-year-old man wearing a big nappy and sucking his thumb. You're like, no need to chat. I've seen all I need. I've gotten everything I need out of this. I've got everything I need for this week. I'll be back next week. I shouldn't blow my load all in one episode.

Well, that's 12A done. All right. Well, thanks, 12A done. All right. Well, thanks, Michelle. What the hell is that? Is that Crunchy scratching at the window? Oh, yeah, it is. People love this, by the way. Yeah.

Should I let her in? I'll let Crunchy in. I banned Crunchy from the house because you are allergic in some form. And now she's listening to the content from the window and desperate to get in. Get me in there. I don't like your tone when you say I'm allergic to it if it's something I've done on purpose.

Well, I'm not sure if I believe it. I'm one of these people that doesn't believe that. You're an allergy agnostic. Exactly. No, I'm an allergy truther. Right, okay. I think it's a… It's a government conspiracy.

Yeah, it never happened. It's never happening. Right. Yeah, so I happened. It's never happening. Right. Yeah, so I'm sorry. Achoo. Yeah, that's a fake sneeze. That's fake snooze. Fake sneeze.

Fake snooze. All right, thanks, Michelle. Thanks, Michelle. All right. Oh, boy. Well, now that the cat's inside, my allergies are flaring right up. Well, are they? I need to get out of here quickly.

Are they? I need to get out of here quickly. Very interesting. I only can handle one more of these before I'm going to just pass out. Yeah, right. Okay. All right. That needs to come back.

Just someone saying something to you. Yeah, right. So, all right. Look, I can see you're about to turn into a pumpkin thank you it's not dribbling out of my nose my throat's closing up my dick is rock hard well that's not an allergy but anyway um so right one more okay this clean has gone pretty well i have to say for the sake of your little and and let people at home know that i'm using the air quotes when I say this. Yes.

Allergy. Yes. Let's do one more. Here we go. All right. So thank you to Patreon subscriber. Okay. Okay.

Rings a bell. All right. Cool. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Leonardo Da Comedy. All right, cool. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Leonardo Da Comedy. So Leonardo and then middle name D-A. D-I.

D-I. Comedy. Comedy, yeah. Leonardo Da Comedy, right. Oh, D-A, sorry. Yeah. Oh, D-A. I've read that wrong.

Okay, you confused an I for an A. Yes. Okay, right. So, do we have any more information about him or? Okay, I'll have a look. Okay. Right, yeah. Hey, good call.

Now that I'm looking at that, I'm glad you asked that. Thank you. Because this is quite interesting. You know me, I like to be thorough. I do know that. Yeah, look, he's quite famous in a way Oh, right Given what we do I mean, I don't know if you noticed his last name

Do you recall what I said before? What his name was? Comedy? Yes, the comedy He, apparently, is the inventor of comedy Right Yeah Okay

Yeah, invented comedy hundreds of comedy. Right. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Invented comedy hundreds of years ago. Hundreds? Yeah. Wow. So, I mean, still pretty recent, all things considered. Is it?

What? A couple of hundred years? Well, this is what he's... In terms of all the things that have been invented. This is what he's saying. Okay. Sure. Yeah. He's saying...

So, he's still around? Yeah. I believe so. Right. Okay. How old is this man? He didn't give that detail. Okay. He's saying, so he's still around. Yeah, I believe so. Right, okay. How old is this man? He didn't give that detail. Okay, he didn't give his age.

He's not going to give everything to us. It's got to be at least 220 years old. Yeah, probably. I mean, why wouldn't that be the case? No, I'm not saying, I'm just, you know. What's wrong with that? Are you ageist? No, I'm just trying to get to the bottom of this.

People of all ages listen to this show, Tommy. There's no need to exclude someone. I'm just trying to make – you were debating the existence of allergies before. I'm just trying to give due diligence here. Anyone can listen to us, whether you're a one-year-old Dilruch Jones or whether you're a thousand-year-old Leonardo DiComede. My neighbour. Yeah.

One-year-old baby Dilruch Jones. Yeah. What a spread. What a spread of listeners we have just in this little five-minute bracket. It's like when you buy like board games and it'll say like suitable for ages 1 to 100. Yeah. That's what this is. That's what our show is.

Two-year-olds aren't having a good time and a 99-year-old isn't having a good time. Don't fucking kid yourself. Yeah. 25 and that's it. Yeah. What sort of game? I mean, I guess, you know, Monopoly, you can't play that at two. No. You can play it at 100.

It's always on puzzles. Puzzles are like the one thing that everyone can understand. Yeah. But now it's us. Now it's us. Now it's us. A little dum-dum club. Suitable for all ages.

Suitable for ages from one to several hundred years old by the look of it. Wow. Yeah, which is great. We're more universal than a puzzle. Yeah. That's huge. We're better. We're probably just as frustrating as Monopoly.

Yeah. But, yeah, Lena, the comedy, thank you. I mean, thank you, A, for the gift of comedy. Thank you for inventing it. It's pretty crazy to, something and then two people come along who attempt to do it every week. And you're using... I guess he cashed out big from inventing

comedy. He cashed out his shares in comedy. Yes. When it went public. To give money back to people doing the thing that you created. That's crazy. It does feel weird that we got the nod from the inventor of comedy when we can't get the nod from many other people involved in comedy. I mean, that's crazy. It does feel weird that we got the nod from the inventor of comedy when we can't get the nod from many other people involved in comedy.

Employees of it, yeah. Well, hopefully this signals a change, the start of bigger things to come. Maybe this will make the industry start to take more notice. Now that you've got the guy in charge at head office of comedy. Exactly. He's chucking us money. Yeah. Surely that gives a bit of a hint to some of his underlings in some way

that maybe we're okay. May I inquire as to how much Leonardo da Comedy is chipping in? Okay, I'll have a quick look. Oh, $69 a month. Fantastic stuff. He gets it. I thought this might have been an alias, like a fake name or something. But no, that's proved it.

Yeah, that's all I need to hear. I'm not sure that does prove it, but sure, okay. But he is a bit of an entrepreneur. Like he didn't just invent comedy. That's what's amazing about the comedy here. He's a bit of a renaissance man. Ah, okay, okay. You may know this.

He was an artist as well. He painted the Mona comedy. You've heard of that? Yes, yes. You may know this. He was an artist as well. He painted the Mona comedy. Right. You've heard of that? Yes, yes. Yeah, she's got that weird look on her face where she looks kind of angry. Right, yeah. Like kind of not really happy.

Right. Almost like she's at an improv show or something. Right, right. Yeah. And that's why he painted it like that Because he's like Improv comes along And it's like We're sort of comedy

And he's like Bitch I invented comedy I'll be damned If I'm going to let My good invention Be tarred by association With this dreadful art form So I'm going to paint

This woman as like A protest about What you're doing up there Maybe that's why Leonardo likes us Because just like He's painting The Mona comedy

We have punchlines That follow people around the room. Wherever you are. Yeah. They'll find you. Yeah. Heat-seeking punchlines. We're a real work of art. We are.

A real piece of work. Yeah. A real piece of artwork. Well, thanks, Leonardo, to comedy. That's really put a spring in my step. Yeah. This is, I mean, you know, we're about to do the last kind of few days of the comedy festival. You know, we've got our solo shows.

We've got the, you know, just this kind of like, this kind, you know, the award nominations have come out and we've been snubbed again. But getting this kind of support, I mean, yeah, how's that not going to bolster you for the final weekend? Well, I've always thought, like, you know, it doesn't matter about awards and nominations and stuff because, you know, look, it is a fact that all judges are fucking morons. Right. Wow. That's a fact that we both agree on, don't we? Look, I'm going to play the game and remain impartial on that one. Well, I'll speak for both of us.

They're all fucking idiots and they don't know anything. But we've got the inventor of comedy here. Well, you can't get more prestigious than that than a tap on the shoulder and a bit of here you go just under 70 bucks a month for you guys yeah i think that is terrific and it's a good thing this is a real thing that's happened because if we were saying all this stuff about a completely fictional made-up thing it'd be quite sad in a lot of ways yeah i mean especially burning your bridges when i'm going out there and speaking for both of us by saying all judges involved in any festival

that we're part of have fucking got no clue and are unqualified to do even what they do in real life, let alone judging the sort of art that we put together. No, no, no. Once again. You speak for yourself, pal. Hey, you know what? Opinions are like assholes.

Judges are them. I wish I'd said that. Anyway, thank you, Leonardo, and everyone who supports the show on Patreon. The support is amazing. It means so much to both of us to be able to do this thing and that people value it enough to chip a little in you can find links to our Patreon, littledumbdumbclub.com

as well as tickets to our upcoming stuff including the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival which after I guess next week we'll start to be really really ramping up on that once the shows in April are done yes guys thank you for listening we have got a bunch of great episodes in the can coming up for you

in the following weeks. And, of course, if you go to that website that Tommy just said before, we have got the merch. We've got some stickers left and we've got the new T-shirt. We've all got stuff going on, which are racing out the door. Yeah, look great. I've seen a bunch of people wearing them and they look awesome. The T-shirts, not so much the people wearing them.

Oh, right. You don't like them? Don't like the look of our fans? Of our listeners? Of your wearies? Well, the ones that are judges. I was like, oh, boy. Oh, I've won you over here.

No, no, no. Are judges wearing our t-shirts? I would not believe that, I have to say. If you're a judge in the show that's wearing your merch and then you don't get nominated for anything, it would be horrifically brutal. All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening and anything would be horrifically brutal. Alright guys, thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next week. See you, Mads.