The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 394 - Live! Wil Anderson, Fiona O'Loughlin, Tom Ballard & Ben Russell

Episode Date: April 25, 2018

Here we go again! Another huge month of live shows from Melbourne! This week WIL ANDERSON gives us tips on how to improve, FIONA O'LOUGHLIN has all the gossip from the jungle and TOM BALLARD cops one of our famous Top 10 lists. PLUS It's Karl's birthday and another contestant from I'm A Celebrity swings past to tell us what Fiona's REALLY like! This episode is brought to you by Shipstation! Head to shipstation.com and use the promo code DUM for a free trial! Don't forget, we have a bunch of huge live shows coming up:KOH SAMUI: The Koh Samui International Podcast Festival is happening again in 2018 with guests The Dollop! JUNE 13 - 18. For tickets, merchandise, links to our Patreon and heaps of other stuff, head to our website: littledumdumclub.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode live from Melbourne with guests Will Anderson, Fiona O'Loughlin and Tom Ballard. But first of all, we need to let you know that this episode of The Little Dumb Dumb Club is brought to you by ShipStation. When you're selling online, getting your orders out the door quickly can be tough and that's why you need ShipStation.com. It's the fast and easy way to manage and ship your orders

all from one place and now you can try ShipStation free for 30 days plus get a special bonus when you use the promo code dumb that's d-u-m so visit ShipStation.com click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in DUM, D-U-M. Nice. Like our name. That rings a bell. So, yes, this is the first episode that we recorded at the month of April. We're now in the real world, done with these episodes. Thanks to everyone who came down and, yeah, packed out these rooms. What a great month. Yeah.

This is the first of four episodes live in Melbourne. Absolute rippers of episodes. We've done it again. We've outdone ourselves again. Heaps of superstars on and really, really, really good episodes, I think. Yes, I agree. Yeah, look forward to this and some of our favourite people and a couple of new people as well. And if you're a fan

of numbers, you might be looking at this episode title and thinking, boy, those two motherfuckers are creeping up to big old 400 pretty quickly. And let me tell you, that hasn't gone unnoticed in here at Dumb Dumb HQ either. Yeah, so if you

like the sound of this live episode and you're thinking, well, you know, traditionally you guys do a bit of a landmark live episode, well, you're fucking spot on. Good work, Sherlock, you fucking idiot. So, look, there is going to be a live 400th episode, but who knows where it's going to be. We're going to have to – look, it's not going to be in Melbourne.

Put it that way. Yeah, we know where it's not going to be. Yeah. So that rules out one capital city. We've done a lot of live episodes in Melbourne this month. So let's do one somewhere else for number 400. So we'll be eking out the details soon. Yeah, great.

So keep an eye on the social media because we are working on that at the moment. But yes, in the meantime, nothing more to say except enjoy this episode live from Melbourne, Will Anderson, Fiona O'Loughlin and Tom Ballard. Hey, mates. Welcome. Hey mates, welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo and standing next to me is the other half of the program, the 42-year-old Carl Chandler. Go you kids! This is the sequel to the 40-Year-Old Virgin,

The 42-Year-Old Cunt. But that still implies I've had a couple of roots, so that's pretty good. Someone came up to me just before I was walking up here to do this gig that I'm currently in, and they... Oh, yeah, that's relatable for me. They said, hey, man, have a good show, and you know what? Fuck that fucking puppet.

I honestly couldn't tell if they meant aggro or you. Yeah, I have had a birthday. I am one of the rare people that has had one of them. Who's had a birthday this year so far? Oh, boo. Well, not many.

Yeah, all fucking, oh, our parents had a root in December. Oh. I, look, I think it's time for me to get over the fact of all the people who didn't bring me wedding presents and starting to fact of all the people who didn't bring me wedding presents and starting to get angry about the people who didn't bring me birthday presents. So, I've made a list. First of all, my wife.

Wow, Borat's angry. Who not only didn't give me a present, but isn't in the country at the moment, so... ..given herself a little present instead, so it's good. Wait, so, wait, did she go away on your birthday? On the night of. Wow. Did you give her a lift to the airport?

I did. LAUGHTER Did you give her a lift to the airport? I did. That was a pretty sweet birthday night of just me and Crunchy in the bed. In a nice way, yeah. Like tender and loving, not brutal. Yeah. She wasn't that brutal on me. Yeah, so... So, number one one my wife number

two any of my family number three well not even your brother that's surprising not even your brother you're fucking only child fuck got me you barely noticed he was an only child Anyway Mum and dad only rooted once That'll show me Number one my wife Number two my family

Number three my friends So just to wrap it all up Just the three people Types of people But But Someone has left me Some presents on stage which is um

very nice slash creepy um is this going to be one of these things where i open them and they are very disappointing for anyone that's listening what's going on what's your bets what's what's your what's your bet here um it's going to be worth me opening these presents i think it's something that someone thinks is funny like it's a personal joke from the show, and you open it up, it's like, oh, it's a crunchy bar, because that's your cat's name. Sorry, I know you don't want us to say its name on the podcast, but... I just don't want anyone looking it up on Facebook, all right? Finding out where it works.

All right, so... But having said that, you said that, I got a laugh. That would have been alright. Yeah. Alright. Okay, well, I hope I've stepped on the joke of whatever present this is. Alright, well, there's a card to start with. Read the card.

Read the card. Yeah, that's the... Alright, you fucking cunt. Is this to the card or to me? Well, look, I'll just give this much. It says, old person's birthday card. Is this to the card or to me? Well, look, I'll just give this much. It says old person's birthday card. Now, look, I don't know why I... For whatever reason, I'm the only old person on this podcast.

Yeah, you get it. Guests, come on, who are way older than me and they don't fucking cop this shit. All right, all right. And it's wrapped in Hot Wheels wrapping paper. So there's mixed messages going on here. Yeah, exactly. Old person card, children's toy for the wrapping paper.

Pick a theme, dumb cunt. All right. Oh, you, fuck. Alright, uh... Oh, you, fuck! Oh, fuck. What is it? They've given me a t-shirt that says, I love barley.

Put it on! Put it on! Put it on! Put it on! Put it on, seriously. I'm not putting it on. I'll put it on then. You put it on. Fuck. What? Oh!

Oh, what? What's it say? Everywhere. Oh, right. Everywhere. That's my name. Everywhere. Well, right. Everywhere. That's my name. Everywhere. Well, hang on.

Hang on. I'm not legally allowed to wear it then. Yeah. Hang on. So, sorry. I thought this was just a store-bought I Love Bali shirt. This is something that someone's made themselves. Isn't it?

This is a... You've gone into a shop and gone, excuse me, I'd like an I Love Bali and an Everywhere t-shirt. That's fucking worse than I thought. That answers my next question. Who did this? Alright, well there's... Put it on.

Put it on. Put it on. No. Put it on. Guys, respect on, look. Respect my religious convictions. You get to wear your birthday t-shirt and then you have to take your current shirt off so you get to show everyone the results of the gym you've been going to.

Carl's rig. Carl's rig. No, no, no. If the king sees this, I won't be led into the Costa Mui podcast festival. Come on, man. Just take your shirt. These podcasts are such a sausage fest.

Give the ladies some fucking eye candy. Keep them happy. No, no. I'm not going to... I cannot go along with this joke. You're actually not going to do this. I cannot go along with it. You're going to draw the line for comedy somewhere.

This is a mental illness. This is great. Just the minute it touches your skin. Yeah. I will never go to Bali. I will never be inside a Bali T-shirt. Now, if this next person is full of fucking spoons from Bali... Well, it is the home of spoons.

Yeah. All right, here we go. I hope this is a bit more respectful. All right, so you've got to read the card first because that's polite. That's what Mum taught me. So... Oh, yeah, all right. So now this one's happy birthday, girl.

Imagine. Imagine being a girl. Oh, fuck, money. Yes. Are you fuck? This is a rollercoaster. To Kyle, happy 50th birthday. But, oh.

Sweet tenner. Ten bucks inside the card. Thank you, Nan. Nice. And what else? What's that? You got a voucher? That's a two-for-one drink coupon from the European Beer Cafe.

Does that mean... The bartender just put his arm up like that was me. Was that actually you? Is this present from European comedy? All right, so... We'll hold on to that one. And so for people at home, this present is, like, in quite a big box. Yep. Oh, okay.

What is going on here? Yeah, well, fucking hell. All right. It's already been opened, so... Fuck. Oh, no, I'm not doing that one. Someone's given me a rival podcast hat. It's a hat from the serial podcast

and there's an embroidered dead body on it. It's pretty inappropriate, guys. Alright, well I wish I was back in the days when no one had given me a present. Happy birthday, Carl. I love the idea of people just going to shops, spending quite a bit of money, specifically for me to hate it. Thank you to the 198 of you who didn't give me a present, by the way. I really appreciate your lack of effort, genuinely.

So we've... In the past, we've kind of had people... We've had problems with people coming to these shows and, like, you know, coming in on the door fraudulently, like, sneaking in. Yes. So we've had to institute a policy this year of cross-referencing people's IDs with, like, the names that they booked the tickets under. So if everyone can get their ID out, it shouldn't be

much of a problem for most of you. The one that we are going to need to check first is Carlos Hoofter Comedy. We are going to need to see a driver's license that matches that name, otherwise you are going to be forcibly ejected from the venue. Where are you, Carlos?

Back here in here. So he was forced to spell out his name at the door, wasn't he? Carlos Hooft to comedy. So Why bother? I guess I get to read out your fake name now, so that's something. It gets you a little dicky hard, I guess.

Something. Well, anyway, good to have you, Carlos. Thanks, Carlos. What else? So what did you do for your birthday? Oh, yeah, yes. From drive your wife to the airport. Yes.

Maybe she was just waiting to get you something duty free and you'll get a present when you get back. Yeah, I wouldn't have thought so. She went to Malaysia. She went to Ronnie Chang Town. She's gone to Malaysia. So it's just, yeah, me and Crunchy at home. So what we did do was I got invited to the in-laws' place

for birthday lunch before that. And now you've met my father-in-law. I have. All right, mate. He, like, he's quite a bit older. He is, like, my wife is very... Because he's older. Put it this way, like, my wife is very clearly an accident

compared to the rest of the siblings gee I wonder why she's fled the country she's like quite a bit younger than the rest of the siblings so that means that

the parents are quite a bit older so the dad's quite getting on so you've you've met him and he did a quite a memorable speech at my wedding where he's sort of you know he's one of did quite a memorable speech at my wedding

where he's sort of, you know, he's one of those guys where, and it's like my dad, where they just go on and on about a story and they just go like this. Like, honestly, I was there the other night for lunch and he showed me a map of Bendigo for half an hour. Fuck. So anyway, that's what he's like. So he just goes on and on and on and I just tune out.

I tune out. Imagine going on and on and on about the one thing for way too long. That would be... I'd kill myself if I was ever found guilty of doing that. You better not watch your own comedy festival show then. So, um... So...

That was a good one. How's the writing of your comedy festival show going? Perfectly. I've got enough for next year. So, anyway, he was going on and on, and I just sort of tuned out. And then, you know the thing when you sort of tune out, and then you start getting flashbacks as to what you've subconsciously heard? Like, I was thinking about all the work I've got to do,

and then I go, and then I realise he's been talking about 10 minutes about something which I haven't been listening to. And then I start realising what he's been saying is, like, going, yeah, and then they all walked into this club and they weren't supposed to be in the club, and the guys are wearing these vests in this blue bar, and, yeah, it's all a bit awkward. And then I sort of click back into it and go, hang on,

what are you talking about? He goes, yeah, the blue. And I go, is this? And I realise he's talking about the blue oyster bar. He's been telling a story for ten minutes about a scene in the Police Academy movie. Over Good Friday and my birthday lunch, this 80-something-year-old bloke is just describing Police

Academy, scene for scene. That's him trying to reach out to you. He's like, this guy likes comedy, this will be a good present. One-man Police Academy. But he's describing the one bit and he just can't get over it. It's like, and that's a gay bar and these guys are going in there and it's like, you're not supposed to be in there. Alright, pass the

Easter egg. Cheers. He's an old man, he falls asleep and starts snoring. You're like, wow, he's doing some Michael Winslow gear. This is a motorbike tearing through the streets. Did they get you a present? No. They made me a big, big jug of

mousse though. It wasn't properly set so I didn't eat it. To be fair, they didn't yell out during the bit in the wedding where they say, does anyone have any objections to why they assume she's not being married, which is a pretty big gift I have to say. Yeah, so it was a bit disappointing.

But you know what happened this week? Is that I... I've talked about this a few weeks ago. I put out my first comedy album. And I'm trying to get it put onto USB. Yeah. So... So check back in for six years later

and the conclusion of this story. So what I did was... because it's available online, like it's on Gumroad online, right? But I want to put it on a USB to sell at gigs, right? So I hit up the guy who took care of it for me, which is Andrew Dootson, who used to be in Ending On For Tennis. So he's got it. I actually don't have a copy of my own album.

So I have to send it to... Well, I don't want to pay money for it. How did you get it online then? Someone else did it. So I hit up Andrew, I hit up Doody, and said, look, I need a copy of it to send to this Chinese manufacturer. Right. So he just sends me this file and I...

It's like Dasty Ari Records are putting this out. Awesome. He sends me this file and I go... And it's like, you know, in a... Like a... What do you call it? Like a... MP3.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Folder. Desktop. Computer. No. I don't know. No, you know when you send someone like a big file, like on a... Zip.

No. Oh, Dropbox. Yeah, Dropbox. The cloud. Something like that. Steve Jobs. So he sends me this file and I just forward it straight to China, right? I go, oh, that's it.

I just forward it straight to the manufacturer USB at China dot com Here you go boys It's not a big place it won't get lost So I forward it And then like a day later I go I should have probably opened that first

And so a day later I open it And I realise that what Andrew Doodson sent me wasn't my album at all. He just sent me a clip of me doing the joke duck sandwich on TV.

And I've sent that off to China to get manufactured. They love duck. It's like it's a 30-second clip. It's great. The duck is a fountainhead of Chinese cuisine. They love it. It's right up their alley. I had to fucking email him straight away and go,

stop making the USB. I can't sell a 30-second USB with duck sandwich the only thing on it. So now the list of things blocked in China, Google, Facebook and Carl Chandler. And had they listened to it yet? Did they have any response? They didn't make a comment either way. They just stopped manufacture of it.

Stop the presses. If I get any, if there's any, look, if they've made any, I'll ask them if they've made any like a short run of it. Oh, yeah, sick. And then we'll get some limited edition. Yeah, put them out for record store day. Seven-inch USB. Double A-side.

Duck sandwich and duck sandwich. Yeah. Oh, that's everything that happened to me this week. Well, should we get our first guest out here? Please. Folks, please welcome on to the little dum-dum club, Will Anderson. please welcome on to the little dum-dum club Will Anderson.

Yeah, go that one. Yeah, thank you. Thanks for having me. Just before we get into it, that's for your wedding and your birthday. Ten big ones. Someone's got breakfast radio money. And Tommy, this is from your mum.

Thank you. Thank you. For the listener at home, it's a box of condoms. So thanks, mum. She said, can you climb inside one and she's going to try to shove you back in. Good time to let you know, Will, that she's actually here tonight. I mean, that's how I got the money. I don't know what you're talking about.

It's a whole new program. She believes it's her body, her choice. I'm glad my wife is not in the country for this. Will, thanks for doing this. That's all right, my pleasure. By the way, can I just say before, if you are actually, you're like, what, there's people older than me on this podcast and why aren't they?

I'm older than Carl, just for the record. But the reason people don't mock me for it is because I've had a career in dumb shit. What sort of a crowd are you for chairing a millionaire punching down on some dumb cunt? I know. I do your main thing in my spare time

Well maybe you can help us You know what, I fucking miss aggro I know, it was kind of like this but without jokes Well, maybe you can help us because we had a... You know what? I fucking miss aggro. I know. It was kind of like this, but without jokes. It was an interesting experience. Yeah, because we had a really good year last year with the podcast. We went to Montreal, we saw you there, and we did the show at the Sydney Opera House.

We want to keep making the show bigger and bigger from here. Is there any advice you can give us to really break through into that next realm? Yeah, no, there is, of course. I'll stop you there. It can't involve suicide. Nope, no advice I can give you. Sorry. I had ten

different options for my first one. I love this podcast. You know that I love this podcast. I'm a big supporter. I'm a Patreon subscriber. You are? I had my name read out on the Patreon read section of the show because I support the show, so I love the show. Oh, you're Mohammed Comedy, right.

And a lot of my followers are mad at that picture you did of my face. This is... Should I say this is a spoiler for episodes coming up about what happened in Adelaide? Obviously, for people at home, they will know this by now, but in Adelaide, Daniel Sloss gave me the money and we made a dare. I'm changing my middle name to comedy. So...

So I've just done the paperwork, so... Really? Well, there's your wife's birthday present to you putting up with this kind of shit. So now I'm a person who's going to be driving around with a got-him number plate and the middle name of comedy. You are responsible for all of this. Imagine getting pulled over by the cops.

Can I see your licence? All right, we're going to need to bring this guy in. Is this your real name, Mr. Dasolo? Carl Comedy Chandler. I've never had a middle name, so finally. You know, that's something. Everyone always asks me, what's your middle name? And I always

say my initials are KFC. Carl fucking Chandler. So now I've got a... Now I say... Now you've got a... Now I say... Now you've got a new bit. Yeah. That's not quite as good and more confusing. You still don't have a middle name.

It's just a word that's in between your surname and your first name. That's what middle names are. What's your middle name? Tommy Fridge Dasolo. What is your middle name? Howard. Howard. Howard? Howard?

Hey, the perpetrators are in the room if you've got any. Little Howie. Little Howie. Little Tommy Howie. Little Tommy Howie. Is that named after? Because usually Howard, like your middle name is named after a grandparent or something. Was that just named after a duck?

Not just a duck, the duck. Oh, what was his name? Dassolo, that's where it came from. Dassolo the duck. Right. Tommy Howie Dassolo. Wow, I never knew that, I don't think. You definitely did.

Okay. It's not like me to forget something, so I doubt that. What's your middle name, Will? James. Oh, see, that's a nice... That's the name I wanted as a kid. I was actually upset as a kid I didn't have a middle name. And I asked my mum and dad for the middle name of James.

Well, firstly, it's good to know that you've always complained about shit beyond your control. I, uh... James, well, I'm named after my two grandfathers, so William and James. Very traditional naming of a child, but yes, so William James. Right, all right. That's all I am.

I don't have anywhere to go with that. I'm so sorry. That's fine, that's fine. Mate, you know what? Maybe I'll have comedy for a year, and then next year I'll get Sloss to pay me to change it to James. I want to know how much money it costs to change your name. It's like a couple of hundred bucks, that's it.

A couple of hundred bucks? Yeah. But then every time, like, aren't you, when you're filling in a passport form or any other form for the rest of their life, they're going to go, have you changed your name recently? And then you have to provide documentation about the fact that you've changed your name

and then on that legal document they're going to see that you changed your middle name to comedy and that's going to create a series of hassles for you that will ruin your life ongoing for the rest of your life. Here's my plan. I'm not going to do any of that. I'm just going to change my name and not change anything.

Yeah, and I can't see this... No, no, that's a much better plan. This is all part of your plan to be not let back into Australia so you can live in Thailand. Doesn't match the passport. I can't come back. I'm so sorry. I don't want to happen.

It was an administrative error. But I have to live here now forever in Thailand. I'm sorry. My name's Carl James Chandler, so I can't believe. Okay, Carl, this week we need to let the listeners know that we are brought to them by ShipStation.com. Nice, I'm looking at their website right now. Are you really?

Yeah, because I heard the ad at the top of the show and I was intrigued. I want to know more. I can see the reflection of your computer screen. Didn't know there were so many big busty women on the SuperShipStation.com. I just called them super ship station. I just say get ship done

and I'm getting some stuff done on this website. Oh, hell yeah. So if you sell on Amazon, eBay or Magento 2 or your own website then you need ShipStation. It's the fast and easy way to manage and ship your orders all from the one place. A lot of this copy feels like it's a deliberate tongue

twister. Even the title of the company, Ship Station. I think it's feeling deliberately like a tongue twister given that we're only one day out of having done the drunk cast. So just saying A, B, C, D, E is probably a... Yeah, walking into the cafe this morning and going, one coffee please was a bit of a tongue twister for me. So whether you're using eBay, Magento, Amazon, Shopify or over 100 other popular selling channels, Coffee, please, was a bit of a tongue twister for me. So whether you're using eBay, Magento, Amazon, Shopify,

or over 100 other popular selling channels, ShipStation brings all of your orders into the one place, making them really easy to manage from any device, even your mobile phone. Wow. I was going to say, I bet my mobile phone won't go into this category, but... Not excluded. The mavericks in at ShipStation

have made the unprecedented call to include mobile phones. Well, obviously, ShipStation was invented after 1982 and I doffed my hat to them. So then you can use ShipStation to create shipping labels for all the top carriers including Australia Post and Sendl. With ShipStation, you can ship more in less time with the best rates available. No wonder ShipStation is a popular choice of online sellers all across Australia. available. No wonder ShipStation is a popular choice of online sellers all across Australia. I dare say, looking at that big box of our merchandise t-shirts in your spare room and

the hastily scribbled addresses on post packs on your dining room table, this is something we could probably use. Yeah, look, I'm looking into this right now. I'm thinking, my wife could be using this. wife could be using this. I could be using this. It's a good looking website. What would your wife use it for? Because she's been selling stuff on eBay.

Oh, really? Yeah. What's she selling? Clothes and shoes and stuff. She's always like – Lady stuff. Yeah. Well, not –

Naked barefoot men walking around. Yeah. Yeah. God. I just – you know what? I just – I don't know if I'm allowed to say this in the middle of this ad, but I just walked past our house the other day and looked in and went, oh, so that's what everyone can see from that angle.

That's interesting to know. Why would you not be allowed to say this in this ad? Well, I don't know if you're allowed to do admissions of walking around the house nude and being... Oh, I didn't pick up on that at all. Okay. Well, now I have said that. So here we go, guys.

ShipStation.com. If you sell online, you need to be using this service, and you can try ShipStation free for 30 days, plus get a special bonus when you use the promo code DUM. That's D-U-M. And to get this special offer, you head to ShipStation.com. You click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in DUM.

That's, again, D-U-M that's shipstation dot com then enter the promo code dumb shipstation dot com make ship happen nice

go to the website it's a good looking website to have a look at and I just want to clear up what I said before I don't want anyone to have the impression

that my wife has been selling all of my clothes and that's why I've been walking around the house in the nude that's a personal choice I'm allowed to have clothes in this relationship it's your god given walking around the house in the nude. That's a personal choice. I'm allowed to have clothes in this relationship.

It's your God-given right to walk around in the nude though. Like that's what makes walking around in the nude so fun. The idea that you've, you know, you've deliberately chosen to not put the clothes on. Yeah. If it was not by choice, then it'd be pretty sad. Yeah. Yeah. So my wife has not been using ShipStation to get rid of my dungarees.

Yes. And singlets, et cetera. So if you're getting rid of your clothes, ShipStation.com. Use the promo code DUM. They're helping us out. So go, you know, throw them some love. Totally. Go and at least do the first step. Go and check out their website because then you can totally figure out whether you need

them or not. And in this day and age, I think most people would need them. Yeah. All right. Back to the episode. All right. Should we get our next guest out here? Please. Folks, please welcome back into the Little Dumb Dumb Club

very dear friend of the show, the Queen of the Jungle, Fiona O'Loughlin! Woo! Hello William. Hello, Howard. Hello, Carl. Welcome home, Fiona. Thank you.

It's lovely to be here. Yeah. It's really lovely to be here. What was it like over there? It was... I didn't mind it. So you are the winner. For people at home that didn't watch this,

for most people, you are the winner of I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here in the Jungle. Well done. Congratulations. Is there a cash prize for that? No, just for your charity. What was your charity that you were competing for? Angel Flight.

What's that? It's a fake business that we set up for your charity. What was your charity that you were competing for? Angel Flight. What's that? It's a... Fake business that we set up for this podcast. Is that a bar in King Street? No. It's a charity whereby pilots donate their time and their planes to fly people from the bush who need treatment to hospitals. Oh.

Yes. That's very nice. It is. It's very nice of me. How much did you donate to them? They won $100,000. Oh, nice. How much did you get paid to go on the show?

$150,000. You know what I like about that is that you didn't make that up. That's the sum, isn't it? Yeah, that's... Webby, Jesus Christ. Webby, our sound guy, is missing his anniversary with his girlfriend to do this. Fucking make it worthwhile, dude. Come on.

You're killing us, brother. She's going to dump you and so are we. We've got Will Anderson up here and someone that won a fucking reality show. Please. Won it by 62% of the votes. 62%? Nice.

Who were the people you were up against in the final vote? Shannon Knoll and Danny Green. No, but seriously. Seriously, though. Who were you up against? That's who I was up against. Oh, OK. All right.

What were they... Was there anyone good in there? Who was your least favourite? Who was my least favourite? Oldfields. They were revolting. David Oldfield, he's a politician, isn't he? Yeah, he's horrendous.

And I had a fight with him and then I just stormed out but it was in the jungle so it kind of didn't work. I just had to keep storming. More jungle. I had to come back in. I was really ineloquent too. And the fight went to air.

But you know when you have an argument with someone, you just want to go back and edit it? Yeah. I ended up just going, you made my fucking skin crawl. You fuckwit. And then I stormed out. But is that what you do when you're in the jungle? You're sitting there, like, everything you're doing,

you're going, this is going to be on TV. I'm just going to manufacture this. I'm going to stagecraft it. No, you can't. My mind is so old. Like, I could not. Finally, someone older than me. Good, another one.

I couldn't just keep thinking, oh, this is being televised. You go mental. Yeah, yeah. I didn't even realise where the main camera was until week five. And the shiny ghost. I just loved it. I didn't even realise where the main camera was until week five. And the shiny ghost. I just loved it. I'd lay around. I loved lying around. And I'd just lay around

and watch people. I mean, I'll stay on a tram for three extra stops if there's a Barney on the tram. I loved it. And I lost weight. Oh, but you were slim anyway. You didn't need to lose any weight. I went on a jungle moon before I went in. On a what, sorry?

A jungle moon. I just watched reality TV, ate whatever I wanted, and smoked inside my apartment. So I nearly had lung cancer. Okay. Now, just talk us through that. Why is that called a jungle moon? Because I was going to the jungle.

It's a play on honeymoon, baby moon. I don't know that being in the jungle is going to get rid of the stench of cigarettes from inside your apartment, to be fair. It's a play on honeymoon, baby moon. I don't know that being in the jungle is going to get rid of the stench of cigarettes from inside your apartment, to be fair. I was watching Real Housewives. I was just watching garbage, like mashed potato from my brain. I was watching Real Housewives

of Melbourne, screaming at this girl, Jackie Gillies, going, shut up, you fucking cyclops! And then... Because our eyes are really close together. And then I got to the jungle and she was in the jungle with me. You know that she didn't hear you through the TV, so you're safe.

I mean, technically you were right. She had fucked off from where she was to a jungle. She's the psychic, right? Who's married to the guy from Silverchip. And she actually is psychic, which is annoying. Yeah, she would be if that was a thing that you could be. Not psychic. No, but Jackie, I don't believe in it either, but she's in the camera.

Hang on, you don't believe in it. You just she's in the camera. Hang on, you don't believe in it. You just said she actually is a psychic. How do you explain this? She walks into the camera and she goes, oh, somebody's got a really sore tooth at the bottom back left side of their mouth. And I'm like, oh, I'm not telling her it's me. You know?

And you know when you've got a really bad tooth that you don't know what side it is? I'm like, anyway, it's up the top. What a bullshit psychic, you know? But then it turned out it was down the bottom and 45 minutes later they blindfolded me and drove me 45 kilometres. Because you're not allowed to see anything.

So when you've been taken out of the camp, you've got to wear blindfolds. I was blindfolded and taken to a dentist and had a molar pulled out of my tooth. Yeah, and that was off the back of Jackie Gillies prescribing? No. No, because I had a really sore tooth. Yeah, and had you told anybody else about that before that?

No, I had not. No, and 40 minutes later, just a coincidence, that happened, did it? It did. That's not the power suggestion in any way, is it? You know what I'm sensing at the moment? There's someone in this audience here who has a sore tooth. Does anyone have a sore tooth? Does anyone feel a bit sore in their tooth?

Are anyone's ears bleeding right now because of this constant feedback? I mean, it's nice to do a podcast inside a lightsaber from Star Wars. It's really terrible. I watched the last episode, Fiona. I watched the finale. I wanted to see if you won.

And you did. And it was such a great moment to see on TV because you've shared so much of your life over the last couple of years on this podcast. It was awesome to see you on the show. Because I can't write jokes. It was awesome to see you win it. And I was like, oh, this is such an amazing moment for my friend.

And then they came over and they put this, like, traditional African headdress on your head and you're just looking into the barrel of the camera and I was like oh no they've fucked it like she's going to get rinsed on Twitter for cultural appropriation like I was so scared for you in that moment I was screaming at the TV going get the hat off Fiona

and I couldn't bring the hat back, it was brown because of customs, it had wood and feathers in it so they made me leave it in Africa with my tooth. They wouldn't let you bring the tooth back? No, they wouldn't. Full of wood and feathers? Nor the 10 kilos of part

of my body. A lot of my body in South Africa. If Jackie Gillies is so psychic, why did she bother doing the show when she must have known she wouldn't win? Oh. wouldn't win. Because her real passion is dentistry. She saw an opportunity.

Did you see, we had that... What sort of magazines did they have in the African dentist, by the way? Oh, sorry, the blindfold. You didn't see. Really, really up-to-date National Geographic. Yes. All right, should we get our next guest out here? Yes, please.

Is he some sort of technician who can fix his fucking self? Let's see what he's got up his sleeve. Please welcome into the little dum-dum club, Tom Ballard! Tom, Tom. Great to be here, everyone. I love podcasting. Hello. I love all podcasts. Especially this one.

Hi. Hello. Hi. Happy birthday, Carl. Fuck off. Okay? And that's the to this one. Hi. Hello. Hi, happy birthday, Carl. Fuck off. Okay? And that's the lesson of Jesus. Oh, yeah, he's risen. He's risen. He's risen indeed. What a dumb cunt. Can you...

Have you got... Sorry, Tom, I know you've just got on, but I just have one more question for Fiona before we focus on you. No, no. It's all about the women. Have you got Jackie's phone number? No.

Really? Why? I just want you to text her and ask us what's going to happen to us. Not much. Oh, we can all guess that. I don't have to ask Jackie. Nothing. I get it.

So, Tom, you've been doing a show for the last few months on the ABC called Tonightly. I have. No-one's watching it. Pretty cool. No, we've brought in your audience here. There's about 10% of them, right? It's great.

It's a kind of comedy, or as you may know it, poof to comedy, yes. It's fun for everyone. Yes, please watch it. It's at 9pm and we call people cunts. It's great It's a kind of comedy Or as you may know it Poofter comedy Yes It's fun for everyone Yes please watch it It's at 9pm And we call people cunts It's great It might remind you Of your favourite podcast

So listeners of the show And everyone here Will remember that You and I lived together In Melbourne for many years I've forgotten but yes You then You've moved to Sydney

He'll be back. Oh, truly a dark day that shall be. So you moved out because you moved from Melbourne to Sydney to do your late night show on the ABC. Now, look, it's no secret that, you know, we'd both like

to write for that show. so what I've done is in the spirit of like late night comedy, I've written a top ten and I've got here tonight the top ten things that are good about not living with Tom Ballard so, alright the top ten things that are good about not living with

Tom Ballard, here we go, number ten I'm now by default the most successful comedian who lives in that house. Yeah, Tommy. Number nine. I'm now by default the gayest man who lives in that house. Number eight. I'm no longer forced to send

anonymous daily messages to the Triple J Facebook page that say, this new breakfast team suck. Bring back the hot socially conscious blonde guy. Number seven. I was able to finally take down the free the refugees poster in the living room. Number six, I was also able

to finally take down the I love wanking poster in the kitchen. Number five, I can finally watch clips of Joel Creasy stand up without hearing, you know, he's actually not even gay. I'm a truther. Show me the evidence.

Show me. It's some fucking Andy Kaufman shit, man. Number four. It's really hard to think of ten of these. I genuinely don't know how Letterman did it every night. Number three. Now when I go to Sydney, I have somewhere to crash. And also I can take back a bunch of my kitchen utensils that mysteriously disappeared after Tom moved out.

I did not take your kitchen shit, cunt. Then where's the colander then? Number two. That was my colander. That was my colander. We're the original odd couple. Why don't you rinse your yourself through that fucking hat? Number two...

How long is the drum roll? Can I just find out? Number two, I can safely watch the Comedy Festival Gala without seeing some bum who's stolen clothes out of my wardrobe. And the number one top ten thing that is good about not living with Tom Ballard, I don't have a rich housemate to borrow money off anymore, which is good because my mum was starting to feel neglected.

Thank you very much. Woo! Alright. Now do a stupid pet trick. That's time for Small Town News. That was some quality content. I liked it. That was some quality content. I liked it.

That was good, yeah. All right, bye, everyone. The colander, can we get your opinion? Is it your colander? I mean, it feels like this is an issue that is a wedge between the two of you. And the phone's ringing. Maybe that's the head of colander HQ to weigh in. You know the colander is religious headwear for some people.

If you're a member of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, your religious headwear that you're allowed to wear is the colander. And I know this because my favourite news story was this guy on the news who got kicked off Threadbo because he was dressed as Chewbacca snowboarding and he was scaring children. And the guy who owned the mountain came over to tell him to stop scaring the children.

So he smacked him in the head with his snowboard and had to go to court and he wore a colander on his head to court. And he has it on his driver's licence photo because he's one of two people in New South Wales who's allowed to wear a colander on his head because he's a member of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I can relate. I have some religious headwear as well. Was that yours? Oh. I can relate. I have some religious headwear as well. Was that yours?

Oh, I'm sorry. The guy owned a mountain. How much do mountains cost? Well, I don't know if he owned it. He was just the boss of the mountain. I guess.

He didn't really own the mountain in the same way you were really in the jungle. Jeez. Look at Fiona. How much do mountains cost? Someone's I'm a Celebrity money is burning a hole in their pocket. You weren't really in the jungle and Tom's not really on TV.

It's ABC comedy. It's barely Channel 31. Sorry, you actually got the name of the channel wrong. ABC 2. ABC Carl Comedy Chandler. Carl Comedy James Chandler. Will your grandkids be named after you and therefore their first name will be comedy?

Yeah. Oh, yeah, it's going to become a traditional name in the Chandler family. Yes, great. Have you told your parents that you're doing this? Absolutely not. Well, I honestly don't know what my mum would make of it. She doesn't know what this is.

She certainly doesn't know what comedy is. Hey, I didn't know what this was and I'd done it four times. You know what? I talked to her on the way in today and she asked who was on, who was on the show and I said everyone and then she said, oh, Fiona, say hello to Fiona for me because she knows who you are and she goes, oh, how did she get on on that TV show? And I went, what, you mean the I'm a celebrity show?

And I went, yeah, that one. And she goes, and I said, oh, yeah, she won it. And she goes, oh, did she really? Well, pass on my congratulations. So, yeah. Now it feels complete. Yeah. Speaking of complete, you both worked with a complete cunt.

That is no way to talk about Tommy D'Asolo. That's me. You've both done reality shows with David Oldfield. Well, ours was an observational documentary, so I actually think... And also, you got more money for doing that. He bitched about you in the jungle. Oh, what did he say? Yes!

Yes! All right. All right. Guys, guys. Now. He bitched about you in the jungle Oh what did he say Yes Yes Alright Alright Guys guys Now Can we Can we turn all the lights off now Can we

Why does it always have to be about that for you I can't do it with the lights on Let's talk about boys we like He said To Peter Roselon He said Are you going to do a comedy skit for us later tonight?

And she was like, no. And nearly vomited. And then he said, oh, you're like Tom Ballard. I did a show with Tom Ballard. He didn't say one funny thing. Oh! He's heard our podcast. Yes, he doesn't know what funny is. No, it's quite hard to be funny

when you're just looking at him and yelling, you're a cunt. Although we do manage to do that on tonight, Lee, so something for everyone there. What was... Yeah, you're not a fan, obviously. Well, I'm banging on about Indigenous Australians not having invented anything. Yep. They didn't even invent the wheel.

And so, well, what were they going to attach the wheel to, you fuckwits? Kangaroos? You know, there's no animals in this country you can domesticate. I want to headbutt him. I hate him so much. I don't even think God likes David Oldfield. I think you're being a bit unfair, because I'm now imagining a kangaroo with two wheels on its tiny paws. And that would fucking get across the country at speed. Yeah.

He said, don't you think when white people rocked up and they would have used their guns to shoot a kangaroo, the Indigenous people would have been like, oh wow, look at this incredible technological advancement. I said, probably not, when they turned around the guns and shot them in the fucking face, mate. And then we made up. Oh. Nice. I said, probably not, when they turned around the guns and shot them in the fucking face, mate. And then we made out. Nice. Out or up? What?

You made out. Made out. I said made out. Oh, dear. I thought you said out or up there like you thought those were two sexual positions. Captain Eyebrows, his wife. Who's Captain Eyebrows? Oh, yes, Lisa, yes.

So they were odd. How many more reality shows is this Oldfield guy going to do? That's all he does. He did that food one. He did Hell's Kitchen. He did Celebrity Survivor. Yes. Wow, he's like the Adam Richard of comedy.

Because, Fiona, when you got back, you sent me a text message and went, Oh, I can't wait to come on your show and tell all the bad things that happened, all the real deal. What's the real deal? Well, oh, Paul Burrell, that was weird. He was Princess Diana's butler. Yep. And he, like, Princess Diana must have been a real nutter. Okay, God bless her.

Like... Because he was totally butlered up. Like, he was the queen's butler and knew all the protocols but then when she got him as her butler she said to him can you stop she was so lonely and she said can you please stop being the butler and just be my friend and so she kind of opened the gate and the horse bolted but i was really interested in how furious the royals would be with him because that's how he makes his living, talking about her. And he said, no, the queen is actually very... Because the queen still kind of gets messages to him

and she's very fond of him. And I'm like, why? And he said, well, Her Majesty is very grateful to me, not for the things I have said. Not for the things I have said, not for the things I have said, but for the one thing I will never say. And I was like, well, Paul, we need to go for a little walk. Would you just tell me?

But he didn't tell me. He didn't take you through a tunnel somewhere, did he? No. Don't tell me. He didn't take you through a tunnel somewhere, did he? No. Don't do that. He just... He killed me because... I mean, that's really anti the idea of this podcast, which is killing yourself off a bridge. But different because there's people wanting to take photos of you

in that scenario. Paul Burrell's anecdotes were all a bit like he was in some kind of Victorian fairy tale, you know. And I said to him, what did... That's right, because he was married and had kids. And I asked him, I said, when did you first realise that you were a florist? You know, because that's what he does now.

And he... Are you saying this is like when Elton John got married? Is that what you're saying? Yeah, because he's married to a man now. Hang on. I thought he'd gone from being a butler to a florist. He has. Oh, no, he has as well.

Okay, thank you. And he's married. It's a metaphor and it's literal. Because I'm a genius. I can't believe he's not Butler. But this is his... He said, when I told my wife that I was marrying Coop and told her that I was gay and I was going to marry Coop,

he said, she said... Sorry, say that you're gay first. You can't be like, hey, I'm marrying a dude. Yeah. Also, I'm gay. This is his version of events. He said, she said to me with a tear in her eye, she said, does that mean we won't be having Christmas together anymore?

I don't think that's what she said. I mean, I think she would have said a few other things. It's like the last sentence in a novel, in a mystery. The butler did it with a bloke. Carl Comedy Chandler, ladies and gentlemen. Carl Comedy Chandler. Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday. That's fine. You had your chance a couple of fucking days ago. Who else? Who else was in the jungle? We had John Edward come into the jungle. Oh, right. So he's the other con man.

Crazy bullshit, that kind of shit. Like, he goes, so somebody over here... Has a sore tooth. We get it. We've heard that one. No, he's going, I don't understand this J. He said, there's a J name,

a John or a Joe. Someone's passed over. So, the spirit's going to come all the way from the other side. Why would it just come with its full name? You know,

fuck it, give us your street address. What's this about? And then he said to me, I'm getting a call. Comedy. Is there any comedy around here at all? Not tonight.

He said to me, he said, and your grandmother has passed? I'm like, yes, I'm 54. And then he said to Paul Burrow, he said, and you know someone who died of a massive heart attack? I was just, like, bursting to say... That is psychic, cos you do no deal, so... What I love about this the most is... People don't die of minor heart attacks.

I love the most... I love how sceptical you are of John Edward, but how all-in you are for Jackie fucking Gillies. She's a psychic dentist. Psychics can still be fucking idiots. But exactly like if Jackie was psychic

she would have married a dude who the band still continued on. Like there's fucking no more silver chair. Like why not marry someone from Coldplay?

That band's still around. Proof! Because her eyes are too close together. Alright. She was staring at the other two guys in the band. Did John get to die through Paul? Was he saying to

Paul, like, you lost someone in a tunnel? He said that. He actually said that. You had a friend in a car accident? I'm seeing a tunnel. I'm seeing a candle and some wind. That's just what I'm... I'm feeling there's a clue in her name. Die.

And all this... I'm feeling there's a clue in her name. Die. And all this... I can't stand pass away. Why do we have to say pass away? You're dead. Like, pass over, pass away. All right. I said to my cousin, her husband died,

and I said to her a couple of years ago at Christmas, I said, how long ago did you lose John? And she goes, I didn't lose him until he died. I don't know exactly where he is. So what language would you like us to use for your inevitable end, Fiona? That old bitch croaked it.

All right. Julie Known. We'll get T-shirts made and everything. Yeah. First line of the eulogy. Finally. I mean, it's a bit mean that considering how many times you've gone closer. This is the first time we're asking what your preferred term would be. I mean, it's a bit mean that considering how many times you've gone closer... Yeah.

This is the first time we're asking what your preferred term would be. It must have been about six times where someone said to you, go away from the tunnel. Go away from the tunnel, Fiona. I've got another name. I've had to add all these names. Now I'm Brenda. What's your middle name? I'm Brenda from the jungle.

Carmel. Carmel? Yeah. That's the name of my wife's sister. It's a Catholic name. Don't say her name. Yeah. Now I can find them all on Facebook.

I'll never give you Crunchy's middle name. Would you be, if we paid for it, would you get another middle name put in that just starts with a D so it can be Carmel D O'Loughlin? Well, I was in a cab last year. Sorry, that went unnoticed. No-one got it. Carmel D. I said some of that brilliant, subtle, cartoonish humour. Yeah, tax, that's what it is.

No, this cabbie last year, he said to me, you make a lot of people very happy, and I said, thank you very much. And he said, have a good one, ding dong. So I put D in there. Ding dong. Ding dong caramel. Yeah, can you get, yeah, a middle name ding dong. Man, I wish the fucking...

Man, just tell us what we need to do, Webby, for the last five minutes of the show. My God. Kill yourselves. Right. No, don't. I swear, we need one minute. We need one minute of this show that doesn't sound like shit.

It'd be awesome. We're not releasing any of this. I understand that it's like you're complaining a little about the sound. A little. But it is the first time you've played this venue, so obviously there was going to be some teething problems. If we could just, you know what, this would be like my comedy USB. If we could just get a 30-second joke out of it,

out of this podcast, get rid of the rest of it, we'd just get 30 seconds of no feedback, it'd be fucking sweet. You do know that's all that people will listen to on the actual CD anyway. What's wrong with, hey, what's wrong with having a number one hit as long as people buy the album that it's on? You know what you also need?

There was, you know Kamal Nanjiani? Has he done this podcast? Yes. And, you know, he made that movie with his wife Emily V. Gordon, The Big Sick, and they got nominated for an Oscar and stuff. Also, did you just call him Kamal? No, Kumail. Oh, okay.

Kamal is the other entertainer. Yep. It's okay. Kamal Nanjiani. Kumail. Dil's uncle. Yeah. We got there.

I mean, why are people so unkind? No, it's why are people so unkind? No, it's why are scales so unkind? So, Kamal Nanjiani, I have no idea why I fucking started telling this to you, you miserable prick. Made the big sick with Emily V. Gordon. Good to see you, mate. It was put up by somebody on Pornhub,

but it was one of the biggest Pornhub downloads. You've got to get duck sandwich on like Pornhub and that under dick sandwich. No, I would have gone with fuck sandwich. Fuck sandwich.

Fuck. Alright, alright. Let's do that. That'd be great. Someone should post that and see how many hits you get. Alright, I'll put it up on Facebook or whatever. I don't know how people rip it or whatever, but I'll put it up

if you can, if everyone could. Someone else can do the work for me. I don't even know how to send my album to China, as if I'm gonna fucking Send it to your little Chinese friends, get them to do it. Totally. Do they get YouTube? So what would the porno version of that joke be?

Well fuck sandwich sounds like a position Of like three people with some sweet little meat in the middle Yeah So the actual Finally I was surrounded by The actual joke starts with I was in a cafe The other day so you'd have to start

I was getting my dick sucked in a cafe the other day Just had bawdy stuff the whole way through. It's Easter. Come on. Fiona didn't come all the way back from Africa to hear this rot. I converted in Africa. I'm a Christian. Really? Did you get visited by

a missionary? Or did you have some? How about Mundine? Did you have much to do with Mundine? I didn't like him. Me neither.

Not a fan of the old gay bows that one. He said that if homosexuals if you were executed for your homosexuality

there'd be less of you. Well, I mean, you can't deny... He's got a bloody good point. Can't deny the maths. I did a TV show called The Fat with Anthony Mundy. Do you remember The Fat? It was Tony Squire's, like, panel show about sports. And I was on that show with him.

And at the time, he'd just become a boxer. And at the time, he was he was like fighting people who were mostly over the age of like 70 to try to get his rankings up and so I said to him as one of the questions, I said who's your next fight against, Ruth Cracknell? Who was alive, rest in peace, at the time it was a good joke, the lady from Mother

and Son. She's dead now. You'll enjoy that joke, it's what Carl calls topical material. And I... So... I say Ruth... Hang on, hang on. I've just got to edit my new show. So I... He stands up

and starts coming towards me. Seriously. Because that show used to go out live on TV. And Liz Ellis is sitting next to me Because I go to stand up Because I'm like Well it's funnier If I stand up

And he stands up Right But she's digging her hands Into my leg Going don't stand up He's going to fucking Punch you on live TV But in my head

I'm going He's probably not But if he does Fucking that's a win as well Because Like this is a moment That will be played Remember when that

Normie Rose on the midday show every fucking year Normie Rose doing nothing but yeah Normie Rose hit Ron Casey

on the midday show right if I could walk away I'd still make a 20 to 1 in 5 years so it's a good moment

right so I'm there ready to go and eventually Tony Squires gets him to sit back down. Because I'm a fucking dickhead. I say, well, we all saw who sat down first.

Anyway, they had to escort me to my car. Wow. But, so... What I got out of that show was that there were... So, there was two quitters. There was Mundine... Yeah. And there was Tomek, and they both quit.

Yeah. Which I was like, I cannot believe that they quit before you. Why not? You know what I mean? Because... But they're sportsmen. There's no vacuum cleaners in the jungle.

Yeah. Oh, go fuck yourselves. Too far, mate. We're all here for a good laugh and then you take it too far. Fucking hell. And for the record, the one thing that Fiona is not famous for is being able to quit this. to quit this.

So she kept relapsing in the van as they were trying to drive her out. Take me back. I'm an addict. Leave me in here. How do you suck vodka out of a panther bottle? What's his name? Tommy. I did a trial with him and he pegged on that and he said,

we're up in the air being, we're a harness though, what's the problem? But he got all sick and he had to finish and he had to say, I'm a celebrity, get me out of here, which finished the trial. And then when we were going back, it was in the rain, I'm carrying the stars. He was put to rest. Not that he wasn't dead.

He came in on a quad bike. It's a 30-minute walk back into camp. He's like on his back on a quad bike. And I'm 100. I'm like, you fucking piece of shit. So you walk back and he's on the quad bike? He's on the quad bike, yeah. Fuck.

Just too freaked out. And he got bitten eight times by a snake. Well, that makes it a little... It wasn't venomous. Simone got bitten eight times as well

but she didn't carry on but he's just a baby. Big fat baby. Are all the animals that bit you now dead? Or having a lovely sleep They're all loosey-goose I just bit O'Loughlin

Fuck, quick, suck it out, suck it out Before then they'd never heard a snake yell I'm a celebrity, get me out of here Yeah, there are snakes going Where's the antidote to O'Loughlin? But why would you leave the camp anyway? Because Josh Gibson was in there and the shower is open. Uh-oh. He's a good-looking cat, right?

Oh, yeah, and just sudsing up. Yeah. He was a sofa.looking cat, right? Oh, yeah, and just sudsing up. Yeah. He was a sofa. He pervs legally. You know there are men in Australia as well. You can just... You don't have to go all the way to Africa to perv on people in showers. You can just...

Is that right, Carl? Tell us more about how easy it is to perv on people in showers. Well, I'm a big fan of webcams, so, you know... Carl's Rick. Carl's know. Carl's rig. Carl's rig. Carl's rig. I feel like we're waiting on a last thing

that is, is it going to happen or not? Yeah. I'm just getting a big no from everyone. Okay. We meant to have

a last thing, but it's... Okay. Is there a joke coming? No. Well, we almost got there, everyone. I can tell this like... But the last five minutes, Webby, has been great sound up here.

Yes, yes. Worth it. Congratulations. If we can do... We just need to do another 40 minutes now so that we have a full usable hour and that'll be great. If we can only do the sound more than five minutes before the podcast next week, it should be good.

I finished my show the other night and I was talking to people at the end of it and there was a couple there and the girl in the couple, in my show I talk about how I've been taking epilepsy medication and she asked me, what's the medication that you take? And I told her and she said, oh I took that for a bit

be careful because it can cause really it can cause short term memory loss and it really like fucked me up. And I said, yeah you told me that the other night when you came. So Good stuff. Tommy it's Easter. Are you an epileptic as well? Huh? Are you an epileptic as well?

I'm not but I, it's like I have seizures in the night in my sleep. Man just take it, it'd explain a lot my sleep. Jeez. Man, just take it. It'd explain a lot of things. Just say. You're epileptic. What would it explain? I don't want to spell it out, but...

What about you, mate? What's wrong with you? I'm fine. What's going to explain this? I'm fine. So after my show the other night, this couple came up to me and... Are we getting the sound? Is that denial coming through? Is that alright?

Maybe I've got epilepsy because I've been taking a medication that affects my short-term memory loss as well. All right. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Are we? This guest is on his way but not sure how far. Oh, fuck.

All right. I want to look over your shoulder and see who it was. Can we spare another five minutes? Well, isn't there another show? Doesn't Josh Earle have to do this? Yeah, but who cares? I care.

That's one of the shows. Don't you know what time this is meant to start? Don't you know there's more people in here than your podcast? Oh!

Hey, guys. Guys, come on. We're all great podcasts here, okay? We're all friends. All right, we have... Oh, we're doing it. Okay, folks, we have our final special guest for today. No pressure on this bit at all. We've been talking a lot about I'm a celebrity, get me out of here.

Fiona, we actually managed to, in a huge coup for the podcast, we've managed to get someone who you were on the show with. Please welcome, fresh out of the jungle, it's Burn Atomic. Yeah! For the people at home, he's proving it by hitting balls into the ground. He's doing some great work. Hey, Bernard. Yeah, it's great to be here.

So wonderful. You guys are great. Bernard's from Australia, but go on. I'm not sure what's happening but thanks for coming on you remember Fiona obviously from the jungle I remember Fiona from the jungle when she used to wake me up in the middle of the night

showing me her big red pussy red? you didn't have any argument with the big but yeah me her big red pussy. Red? What? Oh, you didn't have any argument with the big, but yeah. All the fact that it happened. Just one specific...

Bernard, so there was a lot of controversy where you left the show early. You were like one of the only people who's ever gone on and uttered the I'm a celebrity, get me out of here in the second week. So why did you bail? What was the real reason? Well, you know, when you spend your entire childhood

you know, doing tennis and practicing and playing the game. Doing tennis? Yeah. Tennis is hard to do. It's really confronting when the queen of Australian comedy gets you to touch her big red pussy in the jungle. So I don't know if you heard this. None of this made it to air.

We didn't see any of this on the show. No, of course not. No one wants to see a big red pussy. I mean, it was really red. Super red. It was like, you know, the Batman phone when it glows? It was like it was emitting its own light. It was hard to sleep.

Her pussy was so big and red. I'd be like, can you please turn off your pussy for one moment? And she was like, it never turns off. The tech problems are back. It's hard to know if it's the tech or if this is the microphones trying to get themselves out of this bed. Or is it Fiona's pussy just radiating something? That's been the problem all day.

It's on the same frequency. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought it. Big red pussy, worst Wiggles spin-off ever. Will's going to faint. Don't talk to me, red pussy. It's going to haunt me through my dreams. Bernard, where are you from? I'm glad again, I'm sorry. I can't remember.

I'm from Europe. Idiot. Don't be so mean to me. So was there anything else that... So what, it's just being haunted by the pussy that made you leave the jungle? Yeah, I just was like, this isn't worth it. You know? How much

did you get paid? I got nothing. They were like... You didn't deserve it. They were like, you are a good boy. The thing that's convincing me you're a tennis player is that you are remarkably sweaty. Yes.

Almost like you were playing a game of tennis just before you came here. Almost like you had another show and you raced up really quickly to be here. Yeah, it's almost like that. Because there was a lot of tucker challenges over there as well, so that must have been hard. Well, I tell you what, once you have spent a night

growling out a big red pussy. Oh, Bernard! Come on, it's Easter, mate. Yeah, well, I tell you what, once you've done that, you are begging for a cockroach milkshake. Bernard, we very quickly... Much like the actual Bernard comic, you had us and then you lost us.

Fuck off and count your millions. Is it too much talk of the big red pussy? I think just the right amount. We've got to wrap this up pretty quickly but I can't help but notice you brought something in with you. Yes. Listen, this is a little behind the scenes. I brought it for my friend Carol.

And it is just a little behind the scenes, a little shot. Is this for my birthday? Yes. No. Yes. You forgot that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's for your birthday. Birthday, okay. Good. That was the context that sentence? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's for your birthday.

Birthday, okay. Good. That was the context, remember? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. You told me to say big red pussy as much as possible. No, no, I didn't. We did not say that.

No, you did. We did not say that. Don't go too far behind the curtain. Saying that in front of, I've got a gay friend here, a gay man, he doesn't need to hear that. I'm not gay. Pro I've got a gay friend here. Gay man. He doesn't need to hear about it. I'm not gay. Prove it. Prove it. Prove it.

Prove it. I'm so sorry. Aha, you're gay now. That's how it spreads. That's how they get you. I want to go back. I'm just hanging in here behind the dudes. Watch out, Joel Creasy.

I'm coming for your career. And you, Colander. All right. It's me. Actually, that's probably what the pussy looks like. Yes, Ray. Drain some spaghetti and it's time. All right.

Ray, that's unfair. Coming from two guys who have little experience in that area. Alright, Bernard, do the bit. Okay, here's a little picture of us in the jungle. Oh, yeah, right. I wear glasses.

Right. That is proof that you guys really got on in the jungle. That's ten bucks at Officeworks you guys really got on it on In the jungle That's ten bucks at Officeworks right there Thanks guys Some children were around when I printed that Anyway, can't go back in there anymore

Alright folks We've got to wrap this up We should have gone out a big red pussy Big round of applause Fiona O'Loughlin Will Anderson. Tom Ballard. Burn Atomic.

Yes. No, that's alright. Guys, thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you next. And once again we are back with another

landmark edition of Talking Dum Dum. And this episode of Talking Dum Dum, we just sent it to ourselves via ShipStation. Yes. So it's very handy. Yep. Yep.

A bit of a roundabout way of me getting my hands on the episode. You know, me downloading it, putting it onto a USB, shipping it to myself and then beginning the editing. There's probably an easier way to do that, cutting out the middleman. I don't think there is. Okay, cool. Shipstation.com. Thanks, guys.

Should we do any housekeeping off the back of that live episode? Is there any answers? I mean, we recorded quite a while ago now, so I always feel like we should be talking about explaining something within a live episode. Apologies for the audio quality. Oh, really? It's not ideal, but what can you do?

Oh, really? Yeah. If only we'd paid a good tech to... If only. Fuck. A sleep at the wheel on this one. Really? Fuck.

It's fine. Webby, what the fuck are you doing? It's fine. Well, just as well we're not bringing him to Koh Samui. Uh's fine. Webby, what the fuck are you doing? It's fine. Just as well we're not bringing him to Koh Samui. Uh-oh. Good ep though. Yep. I think.

Right. Still a good ep. I hope it's fun to listen to. The quality of the content outshines the quality of the audio. Oh, God. Webby, what the fuck did you do? This is the same man who then after this episode forgot to hit record on the bonus Patreon episode as well.

Until 10 seconds in, yes. He's had a good day. Thanks, Webby. Something going on. He was great all the other weeks though. There's something going on this week. But, hey, why be negative? Because that's what this show is.

That's our brand. But, yes, good times. Yeah, and hey, three more weeks of these to come, plus in the middle of this schedule we did a little studio episode. So I think we're going to slot that in what, in the middle of these? Yeah, sure. Yeah, we do have a lot of episodes up our sleeve, which is very unlike us, which is great,

which means that we, A, have got plenty of time to stretch out and record some other episodes, or B, we'll forget about that and in four weeks' time go, oh, fuck, we've got to do an episode. I know. Which won money, which, oh, God. Anyway, like you said before, the drunk cast was two days ago. Yep. Like we said, like we teased at the top, 400th episode is coming up.

So, yeah, we would like to do a live episode somewhere. You'll find out where that is very soon. But it will not be in Melbourne since we've drained Melbourne dry, I think. I think Melbourne's podcasted out. Looking forward to this coming out and absolutely copying it on social media. Oh, why not Melbourne? No, I think – I didn't come to any of the comedy festival ones and now I'm shitty about this. Yeah, I like a bit of that. I love a bit of – can I come to the drunk cast. No. I didn't come to any of the comedy festival ones and now I'm shitty about this.

Yeah, I like a bit of that. Love a bit of, can I come to the drunk cast? No. Why not? Because you need to have gone to one of the other live podcasts that's been on in the last four weeks. I just didn't go, but I still want to go to the thing that you're not allowed to go to unless you go to that one.

Yes. Hey, fuckheads, how much clearer can we make it? Fucking hell. And yes, thank you to everyone who came down to the drunk cast. Should we talk about that a little bit? A very fun night. Yeah. Do we need to talk about it?

I don't know. Yeah, if you want. I don't know. We had a good time. Yeah. That's all I wanted to say. Okay. Thanks to everyone who came.

And once again, yes, always a great night. Always a very fun, you know, always a very fun crowd. People turn up and really get into it and that's what makes it good. Yeah, and also we, just so you know, when people say, why don't you record it? We're not going to record it. That's not what it's for. It's for a release button at the end of a long run of everyone doing shows

and stuff like that and it's our little end of season party and we don't have to think about how it's all going to get recorded properly and come out. We can do a bit of visual stuff. Yes. It's just a lot of fun and it's a nice little feeling in the room of you're getting this on the night and you can't get it any other way. Yeah. So I like that. There was a costume that I hired that I took back to the costume shop yesterday.

Yes. Very worried about what the state of it would be. Yep. Whether I'd be getting, whether that imprint of my credit card would be being used. And? And I've gotten away with it. Oh, nice. They've done it again. Nice.

Four years running where we've hoodwinked a, no, three years running. Yeah. Hoodwinked a costume shop into, yes, giving our deposit back. Great. Nice one. Long may it continue. Big relief. It was a fun night.

It was a pretty brutal night. Lots of favourite friends of the show popped up and had drinks on stage and things like that. And we had a – A bit of karaoke. Yeah, a little bit of karaoke. That was fun. It was fun. We haven't done that before, so that was nice to see.

Some of your favourite friends of the show have a little little belt out a few show tunes and etc um i had a little play at the start yeah it was fun yeah but all that's over with um so you've got a heap of lovely live episodes to look forward to in the next month or so yeah and looking ahead it is only six weeks or so until the kosamui international podcast festival my god so if you're keen to come to that, you know, still time. Get on it. LittleDumbDumbClub.com. There's a link there to go and check all that out. Yes, if you are getting flights or anything like that or travel insurance,

if you hit up the good folks at STA Travel. What are the details again? TLDDC at STATravel.com.au? Yeah, I believe that's something a lot. Better hope that it's it. Yeah. If you check out our social medias, et cetera, you do have the link.

You can either go on that email and find that out or you can ring them up on the old telephone. The number for that is 1-300-886-557 or, as Tommy said, tlddc.au at statravel.com. So have these motherfuckers got some kind of contra deal going with a Tld dc from another country yeah yeah yeah is there what is the american tld dc yeah hmm yeah i'm not sure about that we'll find out um yeah so go through then they'll match your prices whatever you what

are you looking guys get your um get your travel insurance in order at the very least a lot of people have got flights and accommodation by now the lovely folk at the Ozo and at their sister resort, the Amari, which is just up the road, which is sort of for all the people that missed out on the Ozo. But go through SDA. They're helping us. So we want you to help them so we can continue a nice little partnership. And again, it doesn't matter what you're doing.

If you're travelling at the moment, in the next couple of months before that happens, if you're travelling to Perth, in the next couple of months before that happens, if you're travelling to Perth, get a flight to Perth. Go through SDA. If you're getting a comm in Perth, in Adelaide, in Brisbane, wherever you're going, going overseas, go through SDA and use the code and that helps us out. When you find out where we're doing our 400th episode, if you want to come there from a different part of the country.

Yeah, the bunch of the little – we should have a name for the little Dum Dum Club grateful dead people that tend to follow us around everywhere. The ungrateful dead. We give so much away for free and somehow it's still not enough. Ungrateful dead heads. So if you want to be part of that caravan of dumb fuckery and travel around, yeah, go to SDA right now and ring up and say, I want a one-way trip to I don't know where they're going for their 400th episode.

Yes, yes. Hit them up. Mystery flight. Yeah. Yeah, nice. And, of course, Coast of Maui, people are still – we still see people on the social medias talking about that they have just suddenly decided to go. So people are still doing that. People are – like you said, what, six, seven weeks out, something that they have just suddenly decided to go. So people are still doing that.

People are, like you said, what, six, seven weeks out, something like that. There is time to go. There'll still be plenty of, you know, breakups that happen in the next six weeks where people go, okay, fuck this. I'm not with my partner anymore. I'm going to Thailand.

And you can still get your flights because, after all, we haven't fucking got ours yet. So there is plenty of time apparently. Absolutely. So, yes, we also need to say a big thank you to everyone who supports the show on Patreon, which is something that you may do if you would like to, if you enjoy getting this for free and you want to show your appreciation and support,

you can do so, patreon.com slash littledumbdumbclub or littledumbdumbclub.com. It's very much appreciated. We send out cool little rewards like bonus episodes, magazines and we also read people's

names out here on Talking Dum Dum. A big thank you to you guys to make you part of the little club. And of course we get the unplanned

Total Alternative out every week just to make it fair. So let's crack in this week. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Tom Coppola. Tom Coppola? Yeah.

Or Coppola? Coppola? Is this – Coppola to the money Tom gave us. Is this related to Francis Ford? I can only assume that he's spending the Apocalypse Now inheritance on us, $5 a month at a time or so. Brother of Sophia?

Very cool. Yes, in relation to Nicolas Cage for some reason as well. Really? Yeah, yeah. Nicolas Cage's original real name is Coppola. Oh, really? I did not know that. No, you didn't know that.

Didn't know that at all. I'm not sure whether he changed it or the Coppola family made him change it, so he's not associated with it. That's cool. Sofia Coppola, The Virgin Suicides, very much on brand for this show. Oh, yeah. I haven't seen it. I assume they all drive off the West Coast in that movie.

I was just watching Lost in Translation the other day just to see if it held up or not. Does it hold up? I only got, say, 20 minutes into it, but I was enjoying it. Well, fuck, mixed reviews there. I'm loving this. Stop. No. Well, you know me. I'm got, say, 20 minutes into it, but I was enjoying it. Well, fuck, mixed reviews there. I'm loving this. Stop. No. Well, you know me.

I'm a businessman, Tommy. I don't have a lot of time to sit down for 100 minutes and watch one thing in one go. I'm on the go, mate. You split it up over five separate 20-minute installments. Man, I honestly watched the end of Full Metal Jacket today, and it's taken me two months to watch it in 20-minute increments. I'm starting to think maybe that's affected my enjoyment of that movie. Yeah. No, I know what you're talking about. metal jacket today and it's taken me two months to watch it in 20 minute increments i know i'm starting to think maybe that's affected my enjoyment of that movie i yeah no i know what

you're talking about i i yeah i have a hard time watching movies at home because i know i'll get distracted or i'll think of something else i have to do and i can't i can't watch it in increments do you know what i mean like once i'm in i want to sit and just watch the whole thing yeah and it's rare that i can bring myself to go i'm going to commit to something in my house for an hour and a half now. Yeah. No, that's totally me. I feel guilty watching one thing all in a row because I think I've got something else to do.

But having said that, now that we're out of doing a lot of live shows and a lot of work and stuff like that, I am trying to force my body to act like a normal person and just sit down and relax and watch a couple of things. Yeah. So I just finished season two of The Good Place. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Love it. Really? Yeah. Okay. Do you not like it? I watched two or three episodes on a plane and liked it but not enough to follow it up. Yeah.

But maybe I will. When I've run out of other stuff to watch, maybe I'll go in. I recommend it. Okay. You know what? I watched quite a few episodes at the start thinking sort of the same. I thought I'll just stick with it and I very much appreciated my own decision. Okay.

Yeah. And towards the end, it then turned into a show where I was like, no, I want to watch the next one straight away. Yeah. I've heard that it progresses really well. For me, the first one I liked, but it was a little too quirky. Right. You know what I mean? A little too much like, eh. Yeah, I've heard that it progresses really well. For me, the first one I liked, but it was a little too quirky. Right. You know what I mean?

A little too much like, eh. Yeah, yeah. No, I'm enjoying what they're doing. Okay. Yeah, I think it's a well-worked show. But lost in translation. Yeah. People very off that film in 2018.

Yeah, that's what I'm hearing. A bit culturally insensitive. Can't fucking do anything anymore. You know what I did do? I watched, I think I got up to the bit where, you know, when Bill Murray records the ad of Santori Dry and there's that scene where he goes, how do you want me to do it? And then the Japanese director goes, da-da-da-da-da,

and talks for like five minutes and then the translation is, just look at the camera. I looked up what he was saying. I think that's when I stopped watching the movie and I just translated it and it's just him saying a lot of boring English stuff. Oh, really? Yeah. Right.

Okay. Because you watch it and go, oh, I wonder what he's saying. Well, of course you can just look that up now. Yeah. I looked it up and it's like there's ten websites going, have you ever wanted to know what he says in that ad? Here's what he says in that ad. The results will shock you. Yeah, yeah. And I looked it up and it's like, there's 10 websites going. Have you ever wanted to know what he says in that ad? Here's what he says in that ad. The results will shock you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you know Suntory Dry? That is, I was doing a bit of research for something else and this came up, but that's a real brand. Yeah, I know. I didn't realise that. Oh, and, fuck, here we go. Now, this is talking dum-dum.

So, you know the reason why Suntory Dry is in that ad is because Sophia Coppola directed Lost in Translation and Francis Ford Coppola, Sophia's dad, did an ad for Suntory Dry in the 70s. Oh, right. It's actually in an ad for them. Okay. In a very bad ad for them. Right. Yeah.

Why did you say now this is Talking Dum Dum? Well, this story about Francis Ford Coppola has nothing to do with this podcast. But this is like, you know, Talking Dum Dum, we talk about Dum Dum. Well, this is behind the scenes of, well, it's more talking lost in translation. It's Talking Coppola. Yeah. Talking Coppola. It's Talking Coppola.

Let's do a new segment within this spinoff segment every week where we just check in with the Coppola extended universe. Yeah. We could talk about the band Phoenix for a bit because the main dude is married to Sophia. Well, you know what? That reminds me of maybe following up on last week. You proposed a regular segment last week.

We were checking in on your next-door neighbour, Dilruch Jones. Oh, yes, Dilruch Jones. The baby. Yeah, Dilruch Jones. Who you live next door to. So he's the one actually who tipped me off about Lost in Translation being problematic in 2018. I'm surprised you didn't think of that before we just came out.

So a baby said to you. A baby said to me. And that's what made me think, I'm like, fuck, if a baby has an issue with this, what kind of self-respecting 30-year-old can enjoy this movie? That makes a lot of sense because the baby wasn't around 15 years ago whenever that was made. So he's really tuned into the now moment.

He's probably woke. Yeah, he doesn't have nostalgia. He doesn't have like any previous. He's not like you watching it, remembering watching it at the time, being a fan of the previous work of Bill Murray. This is the first thing he's ever seen Bill Murray in. Right, right. So he's like.

He's not one of these Bill Murray tragics and stuff like that. He's just seeing an old man being a little bit inappropriate. Yeah, he went from – yeah, so he watched that. He likes Bill Murray in it. Right. So then – How old is Dilwick Jones, by the way? He's a one-year-old baby.

He's one years old. He's the one-year-old baby that lives next door to me. Right. Do you still call a one-year-old a baby? I think so. Okay. So he – what was his first words to me? Last week I had a story about what his first words to me were.

They were something to do with this. But anyway, his second words, not just to me but in this life, were lost in translation. I watched it last night. It doesn't hold up. And it's extremely problematic. Right. Well, there's a lot of first words there, a lot of second words.

He's developing at a pretty impressive rate, I have to say. For a one-year-old, he sounds a bit like a wanker, I'm going to have to say. I'm not looking forward to by the time he turns 20 or something. He's, yeah, I'm a bit, I'm worried about, I think it's like a bad first Bill Murray film to go in on. Right. Because it's now he's turned off, he doesn't even want to watch Garfield 2. Oh, wow.

Well, maybe this is good then. Like, you'll love it. This is what – you're a one-year-old baby. You should be – your first exposure to Bill Murray should be in the Garfield movies. Yeah. Not in Lost in Translation. That's a bit – yeah, that is a bit weird to see a baby watch Garfield 2 and go, oh, the guy from Lost in Translation.

Yeah. And it's weird because it's like him thinking it's problematic is weird because this film is the first time he's ever seen a Japanese person either. Right. Okay. So, I mean, that speaks volumes about how problematic it is. Right. He doesn't even know what racism or sexism yet.

He doesn't even have cultural context of the Japanese or anything about them. Wow. But somehow still it's such a glowing beacon that he's able to go, this don't feel right. Right. He doesn't even know what racism is and he knows it's racist. Yeah. Wow, that's racist.

Man, he's fascinating. Yeah, it certainly sounds it. This one-year-old baby that lives next door to me. As Hank Hill famously said, that boy ain't right. Does he just roam around? So he looks over the fence like Home Improvement style? Yes. Right.

He's always, he's got a little fisherman's hat on. Right. Oh, right. So I, yeah, I've. And does he look over the fence or does he look under the fence or? How's he, how could he, how could he look over the fence or is it just a really small fence that he's like a one foot fence? There's a crack in one of the, like one of my fence posts kind of like lifts up under

the bottom. Oh, right. From when the little rascals kind of like cut through my backyard. So he kind of, yeah, he's on ground level and he kind of pushes that up. Right. But I still can only see like half of his face. So I've actually never seen his full face. Oh, right.

Yeah. So you just, so you actually, if Dilwrook Jones walked in right now, you wouldn't even recognize him. Um, no, I wouldn't. Right. Yeah. I wouldn't. Um, I mean.

Could be any baby to you. Could be any one year old baby. Yeah. Right. Okay. Wow. Fascinating. So is that enough of an update on Dilawrook Jones, the one year old baby that lives next

door to me? I think I've got a lot of questions, but I think we can eke them out over the next few weeks. All right. Dilawrook Jones. Sorry've got a lot of questions, but I think we can eke them out over the next few weeks. Alright, Dilruch Jones. Interesting. Also, but weirdly enough, tying back to the episode of Talking Coppola that we just did, big fan of Suntory.

Are you? I've never had it. No, Dilruch Jones is. I am though, but I got him onto it. But Suntory make everything. They make canned coffee and stuff as well. Yes, you're right. So I'm into it for that. So I've gotten Dilrub Jones, the one-year-old baby that lives next door to me.

I've got him hooked on coffee at a young age. It's like when we go to Thailand and they have like Chang and Singha beer, obviously, but then they also make water, which is odd. But Suntory, you know, when you watch that movie, when you watch Lost in Translation, you think, oh, this is a made-up brand. It's not a made-up brand. It's a real brand. They didn't even hit up Suntory to go know, when you watch that movie, when you watch Lost in Translation, you think, oh, this is a made-up brand. It's not a made-up brand. It's a real brand. They didn't even hit up Suntory to go, can we use this?

They just did it. Well, I don't know. First of all, I don't know how many people would just assume that it's a made-up brand. And the other thing is, yeah, why would you need to get – it's just like, cool, here's a free ad. I know, but like you would say in this day and age that you would tie up a deal with someone

if you were going to feature them so prominently. Oh, you would get money. Yeah, right. Because now I would go, if I was in Japan, I'd go, oh, I'm going to get a Suntory or whatever because that's cool because of that movie. Yeah. They're just getting that free sale from me. That would have been sick if like, so they don't ask Suntory for permission.

So if Suntory then for their next ad, they literally had just ripped footage from Lost in Translation and just played that as the ad. Because you think Bill Murray has just done a big old, like a fake ad in the movie for Suntory, but effectively he's done a real ad for Suntory. Totally. Yeah. They just got Bill Murray as their spokesman for free.

Yeah. That's fucking insane. That goes back to Doug Stanhope the other week on our show going, let's just get yourself a sponsor that doesn't agree to it at all. Yeah, and they sponsor it whether they want to or not. Because I was thinking maybe we make Greenbird Restaurant or Mr. Crab Restaurant our sponsor for the Coast of Millie podcast. That's not bad.

Just grab one of our favourite places that's in Coast of Millie and just force their sponsorship against us. Yeah, that's pretty cool. We should do something like that. Yeah. Well, let's work on that as us. Yeah. That's pretty cool. We should go – yeah. We should do something like that. Yeah. Yeah. Well, let's work on that as well.

Okay. All right. Thanks, Coppola. Thank you to – I hope they all take this along. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Sabrina Catarellis. Oh, Catarellis. Big fan of the name Sabrina. Yeah.

The Teenage Witch. Yeah. It's – I mean, it's forever linked with that. You can't get away from that. Now, I loved that show because I think I was the exact right age for it when it came out. I dare say you've got some thoughts. No, it's just a show that existed without me needing to be part of it. Never watched it?

Oh, without you needing to be part of it. It existed in spite of them not having you in it. One of the rare shows. Yeah, it was just a show. It was like, it of it. It existed in spite of them not having you in it. One of the rare shows. Yeah, it was just a show. It was fine. It was okay. It was a bit young for me. I didn't really watch it.

I did think, was it Melissa Joan Hart? I do find it odd that she gets work with her technique of acting. She's very rah, rah, rah, rah all the time. Yeah, but when you say get work, apart from that one show, is she in much stuff? I don't know. I don't know. I mean, I'm not –

You've answered your own question. She doesn't get work because of it. Well, I'm sure she's not poor now. I'm sure – I'm looking up her IMDB as we speak. Let's have a look. She would be in other stuff, surely. You don't just go from being the star of Sabrina the Teenage Witch for 10 years or something and then get nothing else, surely?

She'd probably have like bit parts here and there. She was in a show called, oh, she was in Clarissa Explains It All for three years. Oh, yeah, okay, that's right. She was in Melissa and Joey for five years. So, well, there's a good 15 to 20 years of work Should be getting some Sweet residuals off Of Sabrina and stuff as well

Yeah exactly Exactly So That'll be rebooted pretty soon I'm sure Ah yes Yeah Boy I can't wait to see that

You know That talking cat When it's just not some Piece of shit puppet When it's like a full on CGI Oh yeah Andy Serkis Running around the house

Yeah Yeah totally What if they came to you And they said puppet when it's like a full-on CGI Andy Serkis running around the house. Yeah. Yeah, totally. What if they came to you and they said, we want to cast Crunchy as the new Salem character in Sabrina the Teenage Witch? I would say, good luck getting Crunchy to do fucking anything. That's what I would say. She is a... We found this out.

She's not... Like, I've had cats before, and they're always pretty compliant with stuff but she's a breed that doesn't particularly want to fucking do anything that you want it to do. So she's – yeah, she's a bit of a pain in the ass. I love her still. Wow. You turned – oh, cracks are starting to form in this relationship. Yeah, she's a bit of a pain.

She's a bit painful. She wants to wake me up every morning at 4 a.m. She doesn't – she won't sit on your lap. She's a bit painful. She wants to wake me up every morning at 4 a.m. She won't sit on your lap. She won't give you too much affection. So it's like, all right, come on, Kat. We've got to get something out of this relationship. You're getting fed. It's pretty one way at the moment.

Exactly. And I'm hoping, she just turned one. We had a birthday party for her. Did you really? Yes. Saddest thing I've ever heard. Now, this is what happened the other day. You'll enjoy this. So it is what happened the other day. You'll enjoy this.

So, it was her birthday the other day and so my wife said, we should throw a party for her. And I'm like, well, that's just a word. Like, we're not actually going to have a party. And she said, I'll make a cake for her. I'm like, okay. What does she like? Now, what she does like is, like a lot of animals,

she likes whatever you're eating. Yeah. So, I'll quite often me personally yes i'll i'll quite often if i'm making a meal like at lunchtime i'll make like a bit of meat and then some potato mashed potato and carrot and peas and stuff like that so she gets fascinated by that she loves mashed potato now okay so if i make that she just wants mash she jump on the table she wants mashed potato so I feed her big nuggets of mashed potato and she fucking chomps it all up so then my wife goes

okay I'll just make her a cake of mashed potato and like makes a cupcake and puts a massive big ball of mashed potato in it and sits it down and expects the cat to eat a cupcake

full of mashed potato and by the way more than she did for your birthday which we talked about in this episode absolutely correct yes and so she puts a big cupcake of mashed potato By the way, more than she did for your birthday, which we talked about in this episode. Absolutely correct. Yes.

And so she puts a big cupcake of mashed potato and just sits there and puts a couple of bits of ham on it. Oh, here we go. Now it's firing up. Even more than what I got. But, yeah, sits there and waits for the cat. And the cat just walks up and goes, absolutely not, and just walks away.

You know what's weird? It's the exact same way that I helped celebrate Dilawar Jones' first birthday. Really? The one-year-old baby who lives next door to me. Really? Yes. What, a mashed potato cake?

Mashed potato cake. With a bit of ham on top. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he loves it as well. And he ate it though? He ate it all up. Okay, well, you've just disproven my slight theory I had in the back of my head that Dilawar Jones might be my cat.

No, no. So they're not the same person. They're separate. No, no, no. Right, okay. So we can clear that up. Wow, that's something we have in common. So they're not the same person. No, no, no. Right, okay. So we can clear that up. Wow, that's something we have in common. We live very closely to one-year-olds, both of us.

Yeah. Right, okay. I wonder what Crunchy's opinion on Lost in Translation is. What if she thinks it's absolutely fine? Probably. Thanks, Sabrina. Thanks, Sabrina. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Steven Woods

Big Woody We have Woods Finally As a Patreon subscriber And this is only name number three Who knows how many of these we're going to do But I'll say this much, we're not out of the woods yet Oh nice

I'll say this Now that this is the third one that we've done and there's two guys and one girl, we're not even Stevens in terms of the gender balance. I'll say this. I love anal. Yes. Great. That was my next question.

That's a shame you've said that because our next subscriber is Anal Woods. So you could have used that on the next one. Fuck, what a waste. Yeah. You're going to have to think up something new that's funny about anal. Stephen Woods. Same name as, obviously, Tiger Woods.

Not the same name. Same surname. Okay. I guess that's right, in a way. Stephen Woods. It's like his mild-mannered brother. It's his alter ego. Ah, is this his Clark Kent?

Yes. That doesn't have his back window smashed by a golf wood after he went to Cocktail Waitress. Exactly. This is the golfer that was a nice boy the whole time. That's still winning majors Yeah That's not

Balls deep In some stripper In New Jersey We could get sued for this Could we? Anyway You ship station So

Yeah Thanks Stephen Woods Thanks Stephen Woods I'm sure you've copped it all before With the woods But Happy to Hey Happy to Happy to give it out again. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Brett Vaughn.

Vaughny. What do you think about Vaughn? Like that name, recognise it from the socials. Do you? I do. It's unrecognisable to me. Never heard of it. I do like the spelling V-A-U-G-H-N

That would be a thing where You know when you're a kid And you have to learn your own name All of a sudden You've got to learn something Fucking a little bit difficult You know Do you like

Do you have to learn your own name though? I don't remember I don't remember consciously Being sat down And that being a day In the Allsop household Listen son You're going to be asked time and time again

for this marker that we've given you. So now's the day where we're going to teach you what your name is. I reckon… It's just instinctive, right? Is it? Like it's basically if you're spelling stuff and you're writing stuff, the number one thing, everyone's pretty up in their own head. The first thing anyone writes is their own name, surely.

Because you've got to learn that pretty quick, I would have thought. You're writing down your own name before you're writing down pretty much anything else, surely. Yeah, you're just getting blank pieces of paper and writing your name on them. Who knows what for? Getting ready for Czech practice. All that sort of stuff. Yeah, that's the first thing you're writing down So he's gonna Basically the second word he's gotta learn how to spell

As a Dilwick Jones-esque infant Is Vaughn Which is fuck What a stumbling block There's a lot of shit in there Like grown adults would struggle with Vaughn Do you think that there's any chance that this gentleman is in the band The Vaughns Who did the song Who Farted?

Was that a band? From the Dumb and Dumber soundtrack. Yeah. Was that the name of it? Yeah, The Vaughans. Yeah, I feel like Red Dead should know that. I remember it because, do you remember when, back when there'd be a big song from the soundtrack of a movie, and when you'd get the movie on VHS, they'd just whack the video clip at the start of the film.

Oh, yeah. Right. Yeah. So many a time I rented Dumb and Dumber from the video shop and had to fast forward through the video clip for Who Farted. It's one of those video clips where they've just taken just a few random bits from the movie, stuck them together for three minutes. Bob's your uncle. There's a music video. Do they do that anymore?

I don't know. Yeah. Because there's not's Your Uncle. There's a music video. Do they do that anymore? I don't know. Yeah, because there's not really the thing. Is that the thing of like a big pop song from a movie when it comes out? There's not really, is there? I mean, they did that album for Black Panther where Kendrick Lamar made a bunch of songs, but none of them are in the movie.

I don't think they did video clips. Right. Yeah, because the old tradition of a bunch of scenes or sketches from the movie and then every 20 seconds just cut to the band in a studio playing for a couple of seconds and then let's get back to see what Keanu's doing on the big screen. Yeah, let's get back to that big car that looks like a dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bring that back. Bring it back. Yeah, yeah. I'd like to see people just start making them for songs that didn't have them originally. Yeah, I'd like to see people just start making them for songs that didn't have them originally. Yeah, just see how much trouble you could get into just make your own film clip to your song. Whack some old footage in there and pretend.

Even if it's an old film, just put a new band now, make your film clip, film all your bits in a studio where you're playing every now and then and then just intersperse it with clips from The Towering Inferno from 1977. Someone do a cover of Turning Japanese and then just splice in Lost in Translation over the top of it. Yeah, just whack and pretend that your song is the soundtrack to a really old movie.

Just put it out there. Now, if you were a band now now That would be a great concept album All songs that you wrote That got rejected from major motion pictures Yeah Yeah that's good And then all the little video clips Are just like yeah

Yeah Just a big bunch of songs And you know like For example that Say it's like The band is Tommy and Carl So it's like You know song

Turning Japanese Tommy and Carl In brackets Theme 2 Lost in translation. Yes, yes. Just a lot of songs are the themes to movies that are completely unofficial. It was always a big thrill, though, when they, you know, sometimes they would manage to get the people who were in the film

to actually film a unique film clip for the song. So there's that great, there's a Madonna song in Austin Powers, The Spy Who Shagged Me, and it's Austin Powers driving around with Madonna. And Madonna's just trying to fuck Austin Powers. Oh, no, not Bora. And Ali G. Yeah, but that's another one that she's in. Oh, is it?

No, sorry. That's one of her songs that she got Ali G to be in. Right. And same thing. She's just trying to fuck Ali G. Right, right, right. This period of Madonna where she's just trying to constantly root comedy characters. Bring that back as well.

I remember that clip that she did when she was trying to fuck Muttley from Wacky Races in that film clip. That was great. Reboot that. Reboot Madonna Who would it be now Just Madonna Taylor Swift Taylor Swift trying to

Trying to root No no no It's still Madonna Oh it's still Madonna It's still Madonna trying to fuck like I don't know The dad from Modern Family or something Yeah

Yeah Who's But what are comedy movies these days What's the What's the latest What was the last big comedy character Yeah Fuck

I'm trying to think of who's Is there a big Big broad character There hasn't been a big Big catchphrase machine What was the last big comedy character? Fuck. I'm trying to think of who's... Is there a big, broad character? There hasn't been a big catchphrase machine for a little while, has there? Yeah, because I want to reboot Madonna and then reboot the comedy character. So I want Taylor Swift to root... I don't know, who... It'd just be some fucking famous YouTuber or something.

That's where catchphrase comedy's gone. Would it be Taylor Swift trying to root The Rock from Jumanji reboot? Is that it? I don't know. Classic comedy character, The Rock. Well, I don't know. He's the closest that there is at the moment, isn't he? Probably fucking Madea.

Madea is like a, it's like a big thing in the States. Okay. I don't know what that is. Okay. Thanks. Thanks, Vaughn. Thanks, Vaughn. Thanks, Brett. Bold Vaughn-y. like a big thing in the states okay i don't know what that is um okay thanks uh thanks vawny thanks vaughn thanks brett bold vawny um okay all right well um i know that you're a bit tired from the drunk car so so tired one more uh upon you great uh you can get back to um i'll give you some some treats that that uh i'll give you the rest of the potato cake.

Excellent. That you can bring back to Dilrick. Yeah, Dilrick Jones, the one-year-old baby that lives next door to me. That's the full name, right? Yes. Dilrick Jones, the one-year-old baby that lives next door to Tommy. Yes, it's all hyphenated. Okay, right.

Also, my cat is trying to chew our microphone cord. It's trying to chew through the power cable, which would be interesting to see how that pans out for us. For both parties. Okay, all right, one more time. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. Oh, okay, this is an interesting one. Well, you know what?

This is actually a little bit cheeky, but anyway. It's cheeky this week, is it? This is the cheekiest subscriber we've had yet. Thank you to the Patreon subscriber titled CoComedy. Now, this is not one person. This is a very cheeky attempt at getting sponsorship for the, of course, the Thailand island of CoComedy. Right, so you've of Koh Komadi.

Right, so you've got Koh Samui. Koh Penang. Koh Penang. Koh Komadi. Koh Komadi, right. And where's that located in relation to Koh Samui? Because I haven't been to Thailand enough to know. Yeah, it's not too far away. 69 kilometres off the eastern seaboard?

I wouldn't have said eastern. I think it might be off the west, so you're wrong there. Sorry. Again, I don't know yeah yeah yeah so i haven't i haven't actually been there i haven't actually this is this ironically enough the one island of thailand that you haven't been to has comedy in the title i just never i just looked at it and never rang my bell before i just well i guess it's like instinctively to you like that's work you know comedy's work so you're not like gonna go on a

holiday to like oh god when i'm going to Thailand, I'm getting away from comedy. Yeah, like other people aren't going, oh, I'll go to Accounting Island. That sounds fun. Yeah. I think, so what comedy, I guess, they're trying to get a mention on here, with a very cheap subscription, to be honest. So this could be the cheapest tourism campaign. Oh, how much do they pay?

Well, it's only $69, it says here. $69, right. Off the top of your head, what's that in baht? That's about What 71 Morning About 180 180

180 180 170 It's amazing to me And I know you do go there a lot But your capacity To still remember The exchange rate

Like any Anytime I'm somewhere If I'm there for Even like two weeks And it becomes so instinctive By the time I leave Within a day Of getting back The conversion rate has just gone out of my head. Oh, man.

I know the history of the conversion rate over the last six years that I've been going there. I definitely know it. Right. So this is a very cheap advertising tourism campaign for them. Well, I guess, you know, like we're saying, everything's a bit cheaper over there. They don't have the money to be splurging or whatever. So this is – they thought – they obviously got a bit annoyed that we didn't go on the – we haven't planned a trip to Co Comedy as part of

their roadshow. Well, I mean, you know, in this country we had that dumbass advertising campaign as part of the Super Bowl. They would have spent millions on it getting Hemsworth and getting Danny McBride to do that fake Dundee reboot trailer. Yeah. We should have just, Australia should have just sponsored an episode of Marc Maron instead.

Yeah, that's not bad. And instead, this is, CoComedy's decided to sponsor this, just by a subscription and it turns into a sponsorship in a way. And instead of, you know, like the Australian ad campaign that had, where the bloody hell are you? It was like, hey, you dumb cunts, why aren't you coming here? Yeah, well, okay, well, let's look into it. I'd be happy to unwind.

Have we got any information about the island, like the, you know, things to do on there, like population or anything like that? You'd think we would, but we don't have a heap of it here. You seem caught off guard by that question. Well, I can only give you what they've supplied me. Okay, sorry. You know, it's just that I've just got what's in front of me. I don't have the whole history.

What a lucky out to get to have every week. I mean, sure, I had a lot of information on other stuff that we've talked about during this episode. But for some reason, Google's down at the moment. Google's down at the moment. Wow. This is huge. It's interesting, isn't it? But it's not too far away.

Boy, it's a funny old life. Maybe we can zoot off there for a day. I mean, it's obviously the funniest of all the islands. Well, again, STA travel, if you're thinking of travelling to Co Comedy, hit them up. See what they have to say. Totally. I want to go to Co Comedy.

Can you help me? Yes, totally. See what the good work at STA have to say apart from stop wasting my time. They're known for their good customer service, so put that to the test and see what they reckon. Just say you're staying in Samui and you want to riff off over to CoComedy. See how that goes. No, actually, I do remember one part of it now.

Oh, wow. The memory's fired up. I know. You can remember things. That's how the brain works sometimes. Is Google back up or not? No, it's not back up. It's still down.

Yeah, it's just what I know. You looked something up just before it crashed. It just reminded me of something. Yes. Yeah. I mean, you know how Australia has the Great Barrier Reef? It has the Great Barrier Reef. So maybe that's something that you can go and see when you go to Co-Comedy.

Go snorkeling there. Yeah. Check it out. That's cool. Yeah. Well, thanks, the island of Co-Comedy. And thanks to everyone who continues to support the show on Patreon. Very much appreciated by us in here at HQ.

Thank you to everyone who came out to this month of live shows. We've got a great bunch of episodes coming up. Keep an eye on the socials for our announcement of where our live 400th episode is going to be. Yes, thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates.