The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 396 - Kyle Kinane & Sean Patton

Episode Date: May 9, 2018

It's the return of our favourite grizzly American KYLE KINANE and the debut of our old buddy SEAN PATTON! We talk gun control (not quite sure why), children's names, crazy people in the streets and forgotten TV shows. PLUS in Talking Dum Dum, Tommy's been to an exciting event!   Don't forget, we have a bunch of huge live shows coming up:KOH SAMUI: The Koh Samui International Podcast Festival is happening again in 2018 with guests The Dollop! JUNE 13 - 18. For tickets, merchandise, links to our Patreon and heaps of other stuff, head to our website: littledumdumclub.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with awesome American guests Kyle Kinane and Sean Patton. But first of all, we've got to tell you about a couple of little things that are going on here in Dumb Dumb World. Coming up fast, our live 400th episode in Sydney. Carl, I've just decided I'd love to get a ticket. What can I do? You can do nothing because it's sold out. Oh!

Yeah. Nothing to be done. You can break in at the back door, I guess. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know why you'd be advocating for this, but sure. Well, you asked, buddy. So June 2, 8pm, we are doing a stand-up.

We're doing a podcast and it's our 400th episode, and it is completely sold out. Judy, you maniacs in Sydney. We really didn't think this was going to happen, and I guess we're about to get an onslaught of people from Sydney going, oh, but we didn't know that you had to buy a ticket early. Well, we didn't know that either. Yeah, this is

the fastest selling show we've ever put on. It's sold out in less than a week, which is absolutely amazing. It's a big room on. It sold out in less than a week, which is absolutely amazing. It's a big room too. Sold out in like less than four days or something. Yeah, so thank you so much to everyone who brought a ticket. That is an absolutely amazing result and we are very, very excited. We will, yes, we, yeah, we'll be up later in the year if you missed out, but yeah.

Will we? Okay. Maybe, I guess. Who knows? It would be silly not to. Well, we'll see. So that's exactly why we probably won't do it. Yeah.

We are going to do an after party as well, guys, and we'll tell you whether it is on the night at the show and it should be fun by the look of things. It should be. Who knows though? Yeah. We'll have fun. We'll make our own fun.

But if you missed out, if you're one of those people in Sydney who missed out and you're like, gosh darn it, I sure would like to see those boys live. Well, you know what you can do? You can head down to the international terminal of Sydney Airport and come over to Koh Samui for the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival. Yeah, their tickets aren't sold out because we don't know what the capacity is. And to be honest, it probably should be sold out.

We should be stopping people. You know what? Don't and to be honest it probably should be sold out we should be stopping people for you know what don't come anymore guys uh yeah i think we've got a lot of people coming at the moment yes yep yes so but it's going to be great that is uh yeah very fast approaching um so yeah you can still get into that that's june 13 to 18 yes and as always we're interested in knowing about the people who are just split second, last minute deciding to go. But you know, I'm at the moment, I'm not actually advocating it. I think we've got too many,

a lot of fucking people. Yeah. A little dumb, dumb club.com is where you can go to find information about that and heaps of other stuff that we have. Merch our Patreon, which we will be back at the end of this episode to talk to you about our Patreon subscribers for this week. But until then, enjoy this great new episode with our dear friends

Kyle Kinane and Sean Patton. Hey, mates, welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo and with me as always, the other half of the show, Carl Chandler. G'day Dickhead. A very deflated Carl Chandler. No, I'm not deflated, I'm just tired. There's a difference between deflated and tired.

What's the key difference in your mind? There's deflated balloons and there's tired balloons. They're two different things. You're lying on the ground, you're all shriveled up. That's why I said deflated. I don't have the energy to shrivel up. That would require energy. You're post-shriveled.

Well, we have a great episode today. Two great guests. First of all. Don't promise them anything. You wouldn't have fucking heard this episode. Let's see how this goes. Let's roll the dice. Don't say anyone's name until the end of the show.

See if we've earned identification. I'm going to have to go against that request. I'm sorry. It's going to be too confusing for people otherwise. First time on the show, it's Sean Padden. First time. First time. First timer.

First time ever doing a podcast. Congratulations, man. You finally made it. Yeah, I know, right? I've heard about these for years, and I was just like, you know what? I want my first one to be a good one. An international one, preferably. But that's fine, that.

Yeah, so thank you, boys, for having me. Weird that you've managed to avoid them for so long. You've done comedy for such a long time. You've never been asked to be on a podcast before. I don't have a podcast in LA. I mean, here's the thing. Most times when I do comedy, it's not even on stage. Oh, right.

I've perpetuated this myth that I actually perform live stand-up. I't i just get booked on shows and then cancel oh right right i got tv credits how do you how do you not get that that's cool sean patton is really just a concept exactly it's the alan smithy of stand-up right this isn't even me that was me ripping off a mask. See, I don't know how podcasts work. People aren't watching this right now. So many visual gags. Also joining us, great friend of the show, it's Kyle Kinane.

Oh, hi. It feels weird not doing it in a really shithole hotel in L.A. with you. I'm sad I missed you guys the last time. Yeah, we were trying to hook it up. I was talking to you about that the other night. We were in L.A. recently, and I was trying to remember the name of a restaurant that we'd been to. And I said, it was near where we were staying. And you said, where were you staying?

And I said, I think you know. And this look came over your face. Sean, you know the hotels on the Sunset Strip that you only see paramedics taking bodies out of? That's where they actually stay. By choice. Where there's always a sign on the door that says be right back.

Where police tape is part of the foundation of the building. Not the one that looks like the Bates Motel. The one that's down the block from there. Where there's now a UCB. Isn't that part of something? Yeah, it's like a block away from the new UCB. The beautiful Saharan Motoring. Yeah, it's like a block away from the new UC. The beautiful Saharan motorway. Yeah, it's called something.

Yeah, it's always called something extravagant. If you're walking on the street, you're either looking for some sort of methamphetamine or running away from something you just broke. You just broke something. It was exciting because when we were there last time, it was exciting for me because it feels like, you know, we watch America on TV a lot.

It felt like I was officially in America. I saw someone get arrested. Watch show Cops. This is awesome. I saw a guy with a handcuff behind his back. It's like you don't see that in Melbourne. I was talking to Beth Stelling, very funny comic who's here, about how you tell me you're a female walking back at night.

It doesn't feel dangerous, right? It feels personally dangerous. Icdonald's the other night maccas maccas and i watched a guy this is on a wednesday night and i saw a guy just go head first into the ground oh a youth a youth there's a couple of uh that's braless ladies with their cans hanging out laughing at him and he went headfirst into the ground. I was like, this is on a Wednesday. And I'm old enough now where instead of being like, ha-ha, yeah, get him. He's eating water?

Get him water. So just a minute ago you were saying as a woman walking home here, it's safer. But then you tell a story where you're the man in the story going, yeah, these two broads had their tits out at the front of Macca's. I'm just saying as a matter of fact, that's not what I would normally think about at McDonald's. And it's like they're just party gals watching their friend

go face first into the counter and laughing at them. They were in like scandalous evening wear. I'm like, what's happening on a Wednesday? Do you have to wear a bra in an American McDonald's? Is that the deal over there? I'm not saying. All right, listen. Let's backtrack on the details.

I'm just talking about party gals that are just openly shit-faced in the streets. It's a pretty safe place. If that was taking place in an American McDonald's, I think it would be a much more ominous leering. The guy who doesn't have the handcuffs on yet would be following him back to the car. So that's what I'm saying. Yeah, I mean, the part of L.A. you guys, like I walk around L.A. a lot when I'm there. And it's a city that isn't, you can walk everywhere.

It's not exactly encouraged. And there are parts, there are still parts of L.A. where I'm walking around as a fucking pudgy, bearded, fucking gnome-looking human being. And I'm still like, fuck. I hope I get through this block. Yeah, yeah. I hope I get through. And I do. I do because I got the stare time.

Yeah, you got to do a little crazy. You got to do a little crazy. You got to do a little fucking. I did that in Atlantic City once. I was walking back from a hotel back to where I was staying. I realized how bad it was. and I had a bottle of beer. So I poured it out and held it like a club. And I was just yelling out whatever.

I was yelling out serial names. I was just trying to be crazy. I'm like, Cap Crunch! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fruity Pebbles ain't fucking with me tonight! I was like, I got to engage some sort of inner craziness just to look unapproachable. And then the next day, it was the guy who was there.

His friend was a cop. He's like, hey, tell my friend the cop where you walked from and to last. And I'm like, oh, I went from this hotel to this hotel. He's like, and you're alive. Let me get you a drink. I love it, too. Like, there's a bunch of you walking past a guy on the street and you don't realize like oh he's doing

the same thing yeah yeah he's scaring me because I got this bottle yeah that's why he's shouting into the sky and rubbing on his ass

it's the moving through zombies by just pretending to be one of them yeah yeah man that's what I've been doing because you know we've been

we've all been preparing for doing comedy shows and stuff and so I got a like a brand new hour to sort of get ready and it drives me insane to have to remember it

to remember the whole hour because it's not stories it's all like little little jokes right so to do an hour of that oh and i can't sit in my house and do it i can't rehearse inside my house because i'll find something to do so i have to walk and i'll walk all day i'll just walk around honest by find something to do you mean um masturbate i can do that on the street as well to be fair. That's what I was worried what this hotel room was going to smell like. Smells like. You just do that enough all day and then you leave for the gig and you come back and you're like, oh, that's a smell.

That's an odor. Smells like someone's been working on their show. Yeah. A lot of rough drafts happened. A lot of rewrites. Sitting down thinking about those McDonald's party cows. Got to punch up this bit. So I have to walk all day and I've been walking all different suburbs

of Melbourne or whatever. But because I've just been – I have to read everything out. I have to say everything of the show. I'm just muttering under my breath the whole time. So I'm just doing the whole script of my show. But all my jokes are like fucking idiot jokes about wheelbarrows and clouds and giraffes or whatever. So it sounds insane. So I'm walking around just muttering and going like this.

And it's like people are like going, oh, this is fucking weird. And I'm getting actual reactions. So I finished learning my show by just doing it by going to the dodgiest street in Melbourne. And it's like I've just been going up and down Victoria Street in Richmond in Collingwood, which is just junk going up and down victoria street in richmond in collingwood which is just junkies up and down but because i'm walking up and down going yeah giraffes wombats and oranges and clouds and it's like fine this is your people now and you and i gotta get some of what he's doing yeah yeah it's good and i mean and i mean this this i mean this in the most complimentary way possible you are a guy who the way you look unpredictable yeah yeah

right you know what i mean yeah right. You know what I mean? Thank you. You know what I mean? You could legitimately be like full-on psycho or you could legitimately be like war hero. Which, same thing. Or war hero. Thin line. That's not the compliment that you're trying to make here. It's not at all. You could legitimately be...

You don't mean decorated fully in an outfit at a ceremony. I mean not actually in an army. You mean PTSD. You mean war hero. You mean a guy who's having flashbacks 23 out of the 24 hours of the day. The guy that's in a high joker and full metal jacket. Yeah, okay.

I mean, what's actually funny is this, right before I came here, I was in LA walking down the street, doing exactly that. But I was walking down 3rd Street in LA, like talking to myself. I just didn't realize I was walking down 3rd Street in LA talking to myself. I just didn't realize I was doing it. No, 3rd

by the Grove. You're going to have to give us the address in relation to the Sahara Motor Inn. Because that's the only block that we know in LA. If you walked outside of the... Oh, wait. That's where you stayed? The Sahara Motor Inn? Oh, that place is a fucking... Oh, buddy. Why? It's great.

The one time I met them, they stayed right next to the 7th Vale. Oh, that place is a fucking... Oh, buddy, why? It's great. They stayed right next to the Seventh Vale. Oh, Jesus. You guys are intense. I like this. Yeah, which is a motel next to one of the strip clubs listed in Motley Crue's Girls, Girls, Girls. That's that place. The thing you guys have going for you

in the U.S. is you have disarmingly fun Australian accents. Right. So if anyone was going to rob you. That's what that helps a lot. Let's get these guys. Oh, mate, please don't. Where are you from?

Where are you from? I think the best protection against dangerous people in the street in the States is you would probably have this car where you just feel like because you're dropping in on America, like it's kind of not real. Yeah. Like you're kind of in this like VR simulation of what you've seen. Exactly. America to be like on TV. So it's like they won't hurt me. I'm not from here.

Oh, man. I'm just a viewer. You're their favourite. Yeah. You got cash. I'll just take the helmet off when I've had enough and tap out. Because you guys don't get that in Australia because you haven't seen enough Australian TV or anything,

whereas we just live American TV. So when we went into a Walmart or whatever, it's like, wow, we're in a famous place. Like, let's get Walmart's autograph. This is cool. Last time I was here. It's called church in America. Yeah.

Last time I was here, I watched an episode or a marathon of Airwolf, which is apparently an American TV show that I'd never heard of. Yeah, about the helicopter? About just the guy who solves every problem with like, well, I got the helicopter. They took one part

of Magnum P.I. Let's make a whole show about that. Wow, travel really broadens the mind. That's nice. No, wait. I was walking down Third.

I'm mumbling bits to myself in L.A. And I look up and there's these two girls in front of me. Did they have bras on? No, they probably did. I don't know. But what I did notice was I could tell they were both slightly concerned about the guy

who they just walked past and was sort of mumbling to himself. I was like, oh, I don't want to freak them out. So what I did was I faked receiving a phone call. Oh, nice. And it was like loudly just like, no, no, no, no, I'm running it through my head right now, but I just don't think it worked. And I walked past them like I was busy to get somewhere else. And I could kind of feel like they were both –

they obviously noticed that I had taken a phone call. Did you actually have your phone in your hand or were you just pretending? Yeah, phone in my hand. Because that would have made it worse. What I think is funny is they were concerned that I was mumbling and then maybe relieved that I walked by on the phone. But I wasn't on the phone. I was faking a phone call.

Did you do that for their benefit? For theirs. I don't give a shit what people think of me but I did have the moment like I don't want to creep them out and I do have to get past them right now. So I'm going to like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it just doesn't feel right but I'm going to run it through a couple more times.

They're fine. If you were in Santa Monica, they got plenty of beach crazies over there. What if there's genuinely no crazy people in Santa Monica They got plenty of Beach crazies over there Yeah What if there's genuinely No crazy people in the world And it's just all people Rehearsing their one man shows Out of the street

Yeah There's no junkies That was the old Marc Maron bit Yeah Oh really About like What if those are the people

That are actually talking to God When you just see somebody Walk around like I can't I can't do it That's actually God going You're the new savior I'm sorry Fuck me Oh man There was a't do it. That's actually God going, you're the new savior. I'm sorry.

Fuck me. Oh, man. There was a guy. So when I was doing that in Victoria Street, this really bad. It's this weird, weird street. So it's very. Victoria Street in Collingwood or Richmond. It's right in the middle where it's all Asian food.

So it's a really nice street to go for Asian food. But then it's half Asian food, half junkie and nothing in the middle. There's just chow mein and heroin. Nobody trying to bridge that gap? No, no, no, just me. Just me, that's it. I was just in the middle of that sandwich, and I'm walking up and down it until I think people got – now, this is the big insult on that street

because I'm walking up and down it, and people start charging after me. I mean, you just said, Sean, that I look like a certain type of person. Well, man, people kept coming up to me trying to sell me heroin. So I don't know what that says about me. I know what it says. But that could be this guy, heroin dealer. Let's give him a taste. Maybe he buys from us.

Yeah, yeah. I'm just trying to overcompensate. I think he's a kingpin. But, man, there was one guy like i did it over a number of days and there was this one guy where wherever i'd walk on this one block he just saw me every day and just kept like actually chasing me down the street like he would see me on the other side of the street and go and then just like make an absolute v-line for me well that day after day heroin is a buyer's market yeah it was like day after day it's like he knew something about me that I didn't know.

He's like, no, no, you'll be into this and just kept going me. Maybe he just really liked the wheelbarrow joke and he wants details for where the show's on. I was going to say give it up for what you got going here. If he's having a hard time moving heroin, maybe your anti-drug programs are really working. Yeah. Were you saying he heard you mumble the joke?

I was like, that was funny. Yeah. I've got to find out where this guy is. He's a fan. He's a manager. What if my show just had heaps of fucking heroin dealers from now on? That's my version of flyering from now on, just telling jokes in a junky street.

That's your market. No chairs, just mattresses on the floor. And they've got money. They've got money. They're obviously making a little bit. They've got money. They're obviously making a little bit. They've got money. Yeah, yeah. You're not targeting junkies.

You're targeting drug dealers. So they've got money. I was going to say because the short joke thing would work with the junkies because if they nod off, they're not going to miss it. They're going to wake up right into a brand new joke. It's not like we're missing out on a story. Long-winded guys got no chance of becoming the audience. No storytellers for junkies.

That's what they always say in comedy. He started talking about a wallaby, and the next thing I know, he's like, what about the sun? I don't know. Where did that helicopter come from? Air Wolf? Air Wolf. That show I watched like 12 episodes.

I've got to check this out. It's terrible. I remember it from my childhood. It was back in the days of Manimal. Remember Manimal? Did you get that either? No. Manimal, where a man, get this, turns into an animal.

Just a nondescript. No, there was two animals. What animal? I think it was like one a panther and one maybe an eagle, but it was only two because as a kid I was like going. Why didn't they go with Manther or Meagle? Yeah, that's not bad. So he makes the decision to turn into the animal

and he doesn't know what he's going to get. It's just at random. What turns him into the animal? Oh, man. Carl is the creator of this show. Heroin? Whatever he does, heroin, he turns into an animal. That's a great show.

Someone, every time they shoot heroin, they turn into an actual super hero. It frustrated me because it was like it was for solving problems and he'd only ever be a panther or an eagle. And it's like how many problems are going to be solved by being a panther or an eagle? Like surely there could be other animals you turn into. It is a made-up story. Why not just chuck more animals in the mix?

That's what's funny about Airwolf is it's like how many people do you know in your life that are constantly being kidnapped by terrorists with airborne vehicles that you can then go air combat in the safe? A lot. 12 episodes a season, actually. It's just fucking... Anyway, but that's... It's like the Wonder Twins on the

Justice League of America, when there was the Wonder Twins that would either turn into an animal or an ice version of something. And it's like, fucking what crimes can you solve where one of the siblings has to be an ice bucket everywhere frozen yeah yeah is that what i said i didn't grow up with the superheroes you're missing out we need more superheroes where yeah their powers are kind of completely random so they go to shoot the laser beams out of their eyes but they don't know if it's gonna work every time right do you know what i mean it might shoot out of a different part of their body.

Fucking shit might come out of their eyes. Do you remember Greatest American Hero? Yeah, I love that show. Yeah, classic. It's a guy who found aliens, brought a superhero outfit to Earth and he found it but he couldn't read the instructions so he would put on a superhero outfit and he could fly but not real well. He's always crashing and stuff.

What was it? He got shrunk. He figured out – the first thing he did was he figured out how to shrink himself. So then he was as big as a pebble and then he had the instruction book with him but then he got blown back up to full size and the book, the instruction book, was down in the pebbles. So he's lost forever.

Is that what it was? His name was – his character's name was William Hinckley and the first episode screened the week that Reagan got shot by John Hinckley. Oh, was it? I didn't even know. You know more about this than I do. Yeah, there was a little flaw in the programming that week.

A hotline flaw called The Greatest American Hero. The name of the guy who tried to shoot the president. I never even really heard of him. Wow. Wow. Dune from the get-go. I mean, sure, you could do that now, but back then it was not that popular. Now you'd be thinking that was a PR stunt.

Yeah. They had been assassinated by someone with the same last name as him. That didn't write his ass off today. Jodie Foster wasn't in it in any way, right? No, no. If there was ever an attempt on Trump and he survived, that would be a braggadocious, like, they can't take me down. Oh, man.

My Trump sounds like a Kennedy. They're never going to get me. We've been talking about this, but there must be like a daily assassination attempt on him that we're just not hearing about. I don't know because the Trump supporters are all fucking psycho and armed to themselves. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You'd more think that they were trying to kill just anyone else rather than anyone trying to kill Trump. Yeah. I would say he's probably got – I bet he has more social security. That's not what it is called. Social security? What's it called? Why'd you look to me?

Secret service. Thank you. I bet he's got more social got more he's got more social security put away for later he's taking a little out of each he realizes he's not working at the moment yeah he's got a lot of social security agents i feel like he's got to have more secret service than every other yeah but maybe maybe not maybe not obama at first because he was the first black president you knew there was going to be some fucking psychos lurking around because of that yeah but i'm talking about the stuff that they thwart that they early on crack down on that we don't hear about i don't understand how anyone thwarts anything like if someone's got an idea

to put a bomb in a fucking building two blocks away how does anyone find out about that like how do you protect yourself from someone doing something insane? You tell us. You got to look at a guy who knows things like this. I got the connections down in Victoria Street so I know of a few plots they're mostly to sell

me heroin. Why are you so tired, Carl? Thwarting terrorism plots all day? Training and information about innocent activities? It keeps me up at night,

man. Things I do. Fuck. But that is, yeah, you're right. I mean, when someone can have, like, the level of intelligence to, like, get all the gear required to, like, make a bomb or whatever, but still be stupid enough to leave enough tracks to them to get caught.

I don't understand how those two operate in tandem. I think that's... Well, some people get the technical part right, but not the strategic part, you know? Yeah. Humans are prone to make mistakes, I guess. You get real excited about securing that C4, that block of C4, and then you forget that you told your neighbor. Well, you were drunk and just kind of like let it slip to your neighbor, who you didn't realize was actually an FBI secretary.

The guy who's too obvious at Home Depot. I'm just buying fertilizer, but did you hear they can make bombs out of this? Anyway, I just need all this fertilizer, this box of nails, and a bunch of mason jars. But do you know people make bombs out of this stuff? That's great. Is this all the CVC pipe you got? I love the idea that it's drinking that brings it out, though.

So you're planning this horrific thing, but you're still going out every night and getting real loose, like just holding court at the bar. Yeah. Well, that was a story about there was this unsolved murder in Chicago. It was the Brown's Chicken murder. These people got murdered at this chicken restaurant. Like seven people murdered in this fast food chicken place in the 80s.

It was not far from where I grew up, so it was a big local news story. And it was never solved. And it finally cracked like maybe four years ago. And it was just the guy's girlfriend who he told years ago, and she just kept it a secret. How that relationship lasts, like any fight, wouldn't just end with, well, I'll tell the cops you killed seven people at a chicken restaurant. Jesus.

How about that? Now you tell me if we're going to Hawaii or not. Are we going to Hawaii, or am I going to the police station to tell you you killed seven people. Love the idea that he broke it off with her too. She's probably. You know what? I'll take prison at this point.

Jesus. Yeah. That's how they get people. People that lip off, you know, yammering about a crime. Yeah. Catch. Oh, I love the footage when people pose as an assassin just to get somebody. Like somebody who's going to hire a killer and is the cop. Yeah.

Is the undercover. What do you mean? Like if somebody's like, oh, I want to kill somebody, so I'm going to hire someone to kill them. And the person they think they're hiring is the undercover cop. Oh, right, right, right. Like all those conversations. Just the finagling to get them to say the legal part of like,

so what do you want me to do? I want you to do the job. Yeah. What job is that? You know. You know the job. Illegal terms. There's a lot of jobs.

Cleaning toilets, doing dishes. Yeah, no. No, no. The job. Oh, Jesus. The legal job. Like how fragile it is to get them to say the words to make an illegal case. At that point, you're just locked up for being a fucking idiot.

Yeah. I don't know why you trust anybody on the internet. I don't even trust emails I get from family. At that point, you're just locked up for being a fucking idiot. Yeah. For being so easy. I don't know why you trust anybody on the internet. I don't even trust emails I get from family. I'm like, this isn't them. This is a fucking sting operation trying to get me to admit something that I didn't even know I did. Man.

There was a guy, I think I've talked about this on the show before, but there's a very famous sports expert and commentator who I heard this great story of, which was he doesn't believe anything on the internet. All he'll believe, he gets newspapers sent to him, even from overseas, because he doesn't believe anything on the internet. And it's like, what do you – What about the newspaper on the internet? Just because it's printed on paper, it's like he won't believe anything

unless it's on paper. That's the vetting process? Yeah. It's just having a three-dimensional version of it. Here's how we take this guy down. A Xerox machine. It's like if they need the news urgent, his wife has to put like tracing paper on the computer

and just make a copy of it. What if you just print out the thing you want to read from the internet? No, because the printer's like truth serum, man. Lies can't come out on the other end Yeah, so he thinks the newspapers So the newspaper goes out and that's factual Then meanwhile That's confirmation

Once you get paper involved Yeah, but then their online version They just have this like That could be anyone Fun made up version that they do for the paper That's not verified It's not verified unless it comes out with with squid ink on it and something tree related involved with it i love i love the moments though when you're

like talking to someone someone who's very internet savvy and or like very you know conspiracy theory savvy whatever it be and then you ask them like wait what's where did you hear where did you see that and watching them rattle off the sources where you can see even they're like yeah they might have been bullshit yeah i don't know that that was a factual thing no this guy he's i give a fact check him he's uh god he's always right he's always he's got good stories they got good reviews man i've done i've done that i've worked on tv shows where you have to do that where it's like okay here's this great story awesome we've got this have you fact checked it yeah i've there's there's one person that says it's right on the internet i'm sorry that's not enough but fuck it it's a good story just let me have it yeah i love i was like the conspiracy theory podcast and stuff i

just put it in like i was laying around today and i just put in conspiracy theories in itunes and it was like maybe the third one that came up whatever the show was and i didn't have to dig deep for it and i start playing it and they have like the guy he's got doctor as a title and somebody's like our guest is pretty controversial it's dr so and so he's like everybody that got shot in las vegas was an actor the gunfire was actually played over the speakers to use the other people were military actors moving in a way that would seem like gunfire to cause panic it's all an anti-gun control and jessica holy shit i love it i listen to it for entertainment until it gets to a point where i'm starting to feel real sad yeah that's i know someone else is listening to it and believing

it yeah okay i got it is everyone always being this dumb is this a new thing no i think it's i think it's i think no i they have. Everybody just has a voice to let people know. They've got an avenue now to jump on board. They can convince the people that didn't know they were dumb. And then they hear it and go, oh, I'm dumb too. So they're activating the dumbness of people,

I think. There's that thing on Vice, that couple that there's a church somewhere in Texas, a church where people the parkland or somewhere in texas a church where people got killed and how they're like it was all bullshit yeah it was all you know that thing trauma actors yeah and you see and then you see them show up to converse with yeah the the pastor and it's like when you're gonna tell the truth you motherfucking piece of shit and it's like oh oh that's how you're going to get people on your side.

That was the guy, Neil Armstrong, punched some guy out who came up. Neil Armstrong was old, like 70-year-old Neil Armstrong. What are you going to tell us now? The moon landing was fake. You just didn't go, burst, and just smash him in the face. Like, that's what an American hero looks like, buddy. Well, this is one I read today that was great. Imagine that, like, Neil Armstrong being on the moon

and at some stage thinking up there, man, I hope I never have to knock someone out because I'm up here. Yeah. Like, of all the bar stories, you're trying to bullshit. Like, no, man, this isn't a fishing story. I did this. Well, you guys know about Alex Jones, right? Yeah.

Crazy Alex Jones. That was one of the theories that I read today so Alex Jones what is he he runs his own like website he's Infowars

and he's batshit laughable he's like and the acid rain is turning the frogs gay like he's he was a stand up wasn't he I only found out they were all

they were all failed stand ups right that inched towards the well now they're just trying to shut me down it's free speech. It's like, no, you're a terrible comedian.

That's the Owen Benjamin thing. It's like, no, you're bad at comedy. That's why your jokes aren't good. Anyway, but somebody's saying, like, what if Alex Jones is actually right about everything he's saying, but he's so crazy that, like, yeah, let him say it because it actually makes conspiracy theorists look nutty. It's the truth, but like,

yeah, he knows the truth, but he's such a poor representative of it. Let him keep telling people. Cause it'll shake them off the trail. Like, Ooh, that's a kind of double folded envelope.

I like that. That's a good one. That's a really good one because there's no actors involved. It's just like, it's just one person. Yeah. Just him crazy one person making the decision. Just him crazy but telling the truth, but everybody else going, obviously he's crazy.

Yeah, yeah. He's crazy. Well, that's like fucking Walter Matthau, Martin Landau. Which one? I can't remember the actor's name. What? Martin Freeman. It's either Walter Matthau or Martin Landau.

Martin Walter Matthau Landau. He was in the X-Files movie, the first one. David Duchovau or Martin Landau. Martin Walter Matthau. He was in the X-Files movie, the first one. David Duchovny. Martin Landau. He played the doctor that was right about everything but was constantly being discredited. Right. And there's one scene in that movie where Mulder tries to go to his apartment but there's a bunch of feds.

Oh, he nearly got his secret identity then. I like that. So Fox Mulder goes into his apartment and there's feds there because they busted him for having child pornography. And then he finds him in an alleyway later and he's like, oh, what was it, kiddie porn again? He was like, again? How many times are you going to trump you up on these charges, buddy?

I just love the thing, the one you were saying before about, like, how many of these conspiracy theories come down to, like, they're all actors. Like, where are these auditions happening? Like, how are you getting the – like, how failing do you have to be, like, as an actor? Like, you're doing these shit plays and then it's, like, the rung below that is, like, all right, time to get in cahoots

with the government and start doing some conspiracy work. And also, as if that wouldn't come out, how many bitter actors that don't get the role are going to be putting their hands up going, this is fucking fake. I didn't get the role for it. Fuck this, everyone. It's not real. I think it's an inside job with the FBI.

Some people get to go undercover, deep cover, and be great informants and infiltrate mobs. And other guys are like, we just need you to pretend to get shot at a country music concert. For your country. For your country. That's funny, Kanaan, that you think it's the FBI. It's deeper than that.

We're talking NSA. We're talking agency. We don't even know the goddamn... We're talking Social Security. We're talking Social Security agents. It's deeper than FEMA. But that is how fucking psycho people are about guns how how much they will spin a yarn to be like they're trying to take it away from us by faking mass shootings

do you feel genuinely cypher in australia from from guns yes yeah from uh from pitching sickies from chucking a sickie chucking snowy snowies at me? I'm constantly afraid of people chucking a snowy, my director. What's a snowy? I don't know. I don't know. You tell me. You kept seeing the guy on the show the other night. Chucking a fucking snowy.

Chucking a fucking snowy. I'm like, what? Everybody else was laughing. We're like, yeah. No, I've never heard that. Is it a snow huss? I know chucking a sickie is like having a sick day. But he was doing it but faking it to go to the snow.

Oh, okay. I mean, yeah. Chuck a snowy. I mean, yeah. it's fucking weird. It's weird not having guns? Coming from a country where it's like, oh, at any given moment, wherever you are. I like your question.

Do you feel safer here from that thing that we don't have? Yeah. It would be weird if you were more scared of them here. I mean, I guess anyone who's holding onto them this long is going to be fucking pretty deranged. I just want to ask you, does it feel any different at all? I mean, yeah, it definitely, yeah, yeah. Are you?

The whole city of Melbourne, of what I've seen, feels like the small safe part of a city. Yeah, yeah. Oh, no, these three blocks are all right. And that's what your whole city feels like. I know how cops here have guns, but I like how I've been seeing cops roam around in giant groups, right? It seems like they're always in groups of five or more, which I like.

Yeah, I like hanging out. I like that, though, because there's more keeping each other honest in that. They do a podcast as well. They do a podcast as well. I don't like the way they... Yeah, because that's what a group of cops do. They always keep each other honest instead of keeping everybody's deep, dark secret

in the name of brotherhood. That's what happens. I feel like it's just like a rotating group of like, oh, yeah, just you five today, and then you five today, instead of you two forever in a car. But the way the cops direct traffic here is interesting, though.

It's very Zeke Heil-ish. Yeah. Watch it. Next time you see cops directing traffic here is interesting, though. It's very Zeke Heil-ish. Watch it. Next time you see cops directing traffic, they straight up do this. Yeah, there was a forearm motion that was a bit like, hey, guys. Rotate the wrist. Flat palm. There you go. That's the exact same movement.

I'm just surprised at how many cops you've seen directing traffic in the three weeks you've been here. I've seen about four in my life. They practice right there on the corner of Queen and Lionsdale. Really? Yeah. And I walk past that almost every day. I'm pretty sure we have traffic lights. I don't know why anyone's directing me.

I saw them out there too. I saw them out there. They're like trending. What the fuck's going on? You know what? They're actors. Or they're actors. Or maybe the third right is beginning here.

The fourth. You know, maybe. A couple more colorful outfits. Yeah. Because, Carl, you look, I mean, mean again i don't mean this is an insult this is just a just a snapshot let's see where this goes yeah let's all guess where this is going you look like you could carry carry a gun have you ever carried a gun i never had one i've shot guns i mean i don't i don't i don't mind guns yeah you, I don't have a hard-on for guns.

I have friends that do are fucking psycho about them. Yeah, yeah. That because, and I understand it, too. It, like, as soon as you do it, you're like, it's power. Like, ooh. I've instantly given myself a type of superpower. Yeah, yeah. Like, that is the feeling.

Like, oh, with this? Ooh, now now if you want to be a criminal go be a criminal right just the idea of having an unload oh somebody would just give me their wallet if i had this i get a lot of stuff done this is a social tool of the highest order one of these traffic guys have a fucking gun scene this sounds like an awesome thing to have people will listen to my material i mean i've had it i've just had it where guns have been shown to me in situations of like well you know hey man no you can't park there what do you mean it's a public street like somebody lift up their shirt and just sew the handle like oh all right oh man really well that would happen to that happened to

a neighbor of mine where the guy he's parking on the street just on a public street he's like no no man that's my wife's spot i don't know no man just on a public street. He's like, no, no, man, that's my wife's spot. I don't know. No, man, it's a public street. What do you mean it's your wife's spot? Just pull up the shirt to show it in the waistband. Just let him know you got it. He really loves his wife.

Yeah, he is. I mean, a very honorable cause to take an attempted murder charge. I mean, people, I think to some people, it's a fucking extension of their personality. They don't have anything else going for them in life, but they own a bunch of guns.

Right. They don't have any talent, but they're a fucking crack shot with a 9mm. Well, yeah, the whole thing is the division now is a bunch of people going,

I don't need a gun to live my life. I think that's terrifying for everybody to have a gun. That's how I feel. And the other people are like, wouldn't the world be safer? I have a friend who's coming to a comedy show in Iowa. And he's like, oh, man, they got a bar at this comedy club?

Yeah, it's a comedy club. I didn't know you were drinking again. But yeah, they got a bar. He's like, so I should leave my gun in the car? I'm like, yes, you should leave your fucking gun in the car for the fucking comedy show. Oh, man. But then he gave me a ride home and I was like, let me see that gun.

Pull over. I'm holding it. I'm like, yeah. Man, I'm so glad. Now, I've just had like this flashback to all the shows, all the bad shows I've ever done in Melbourne. I'm so glad that there were no guns in those venues. There's been some fucking horrible shows where no one should be armed

and looking at me in a venue. I mean, I haven't seen them on. I know people have them, you know, like Texas, Arizona, where you can't have it on your hip. I've done jokes about it. Jokes about it where I'm like joking at people like, who's got them? You know, like, woo!

Like, all right. No crowd work for you. Yeah. Whatever you want. Whatever you say is right. Anyway. What do you do for a living? Be a cool dude? Nice. No crowd work for you. Whatever you want, whatever you say is right. Anyway. What do you do for a living?

Be a cool dude? Nice. Looks like this comedy show is going to get real bland. That would completely change my crowd work style. But in a weird way, to make a joke about that and realize that maybe somebody does have that gun, they legally are allowed to carry it, and I'm still making jokes. Who gives a shit if that's a decent person with that gun? It's the thing that what did you have to go through to get it? I can trust that person if it was a rigorous test that you have to keep up,

much like a driver's license, that you have to go back and renew and prove that you're not a fucking lunatic and you're not on this and that you can have that gun. But that's not the case for gun ownership. You could have just gone to a gun show and bought it and been a fucking lunatic and you're not on this, that you can have that gun. But that's not the case for gun ownership. You could have just gone to a gun show and bought it and been a fucking loony. They think that any sort of regulation like that is somehow destroying the Second Amendment right. Yeah. If you are willing to fucking own a gun,

also be willing to show up every two years to be mentally evaluated. Yeah. That should be part of the package. And what if you are manic depressive, what if you're on medicine for that, then that excludes you from gun ownership. That is undermining your right, and that's

discrimination against mentally ill people that they should also be able to exercise their rights to own a firearm, which, no. To own a thing that can take away the life that they occasionally hate existing in. And those in the room room it's just like no fuck that it's such a weird level even because you guys are two smart rational people though it's somewhat but just like a slightly different level to us where you're like yeah guns are fine as long as you've got that sort of you know uh

test or anything like that that's at a level of responsibility. But to us, it's like, man, it's just not even in our wheelhouse to think, like, why would you have a gun at all over here? I love that. We're just used to that. But that's never going to happen in the US. Yeah, that's not me being, hey, you know, peace and love for everyone. It's just what we're used to here, and that's what seems normal to us, whereas that's what seemed normal to you.

If you subscribe to the idea of an arms race where like, why would I have a gun? Well, because somebody broke into my neighbor's house. Somebody got shot down the street there. Do I want a gun? I thought about buying a gun because I had like a weirdo showing up to my house. Yeah.

And I'm like, oh, yeah, I would like a level of protection. And you get in the mindset of, boy boy if i just had a gun to be like oh are you being a crazy person outside my door at 2 a.m yeah what if i just show you this maybe you'll fuck off and think twice about breaking my wife's parking spot yeah or maybe you will just pull out your bigger gun yeah yours has bullets yeah yeah you're prepared to actually use it right now i have an axe next to my bed, and I'm hoping the craziness replaces the actual firepower. I'm just being a totally nude maniac with an axe in his hand will do enough. Who's turning up?

Do you have crazies turn up to your house? What sort of crazies? I had some guy come to – I live in an apartment, but I have like – there's a patio and a gate in the back. I had some guy show up to my backyard door. Oh, really? Yeah. Have you been to my – I mean, I know the area you live in, and there are definitely random rogues.

Yeah, some guy trying to do the selling magazines. Open Mark is right. What's that? Open Mark is right. Open Mark comedians. Hey, Kyle, man. That was about me, right, man? Like that.

You ever see that John Lennon documentary? Where there's just a guy roaming around in his backyard. And they send the security out to get him. And the guy's just like, you were singing that song to me, right? Yeah. And they had to be like, no, mate, it wasn't to you. Here's some food. But you got to be on your way kind of thing.

I love the idea of just an open mic in your backyard. Like, cow, man, that bit. That bit about the Ku Klux Klan. I've been full of pizzas and have to eat them too. That's about me, right, man? Like, yeah, actually. I'm going to shoot two bullets in the air

and that should give you enough time to get the fuck out of here, man. Yeah, you live in an area, yeah, where it's like, ah, beautiful hills and birds and big palm trees. The homeless population is outlandish in Los Angeles right now. You probably saw that when you were visiting there. Yeah, it's pretty bad.

And some guy trying to do door-to-door sales, but he's at the back door that has no number. And you had to go through a gate. You had to clearly trespass to get to the back door of my apartment. Oh, fuck. That is scary as shit. Because I thought it was my neighbor knocking on it. So I opened the door, and I was like, hey, guys, you probably think I'm selling you something that you don't need but i'm like all right i'm gonna stop you right there why are you at the back door my eyes like how am i supposed to know it's a back door i'm like

because you came through a gate and a bunch of private property to get to this and that's a little unsettling and he goes and it was a it was a black guy goes you know ghettos were actually created by the white man like all right man you need to get the fuck out of here and my neighbor was outside already because he had already harassed her and she's like kyle get him out of here i'm like all right man and i feel like i don't have this voice no when shit goes down cracks listen man you better check yourself but when i get angry like a pizza oh when yeah when i get angry it's like, you know what? I don't think you're understanding

the words I'm saying right now. And it goes the wrong way. It does not get threatening at all. I love the idea of you just like, man, I love me some puppies. Puppies and fucking, I tell you what, chili and fucking... Let me tell you this right now, buddy. All right, listen. You know what? I don't want this to escalate.

But you're leaving me no choice right now, okay? You get Canadian when you get up there. Yeah, alright, okay. Listen, it's not what it's about. So my neighbor's out there and I'm like, hey man, just get the fuck out of here.

And he's going, no, it's my constitutional right to sell a magazine. I'm like, I don't think you understand the constitution at all. And I'm like, no, you're trespassing and that's when he goes, I'm not leaving. And he's not getting violent, but he's standing there and he's doing that thing where I'm like, buddy, get the fuck

out. He's like, whoa, man, why are you using language? I'm like, because you're trespassing on my property. But if I get violent with him, he hasn't done anything to be violent other than refusing to leave. So I told my neighbor, I'm like, you get on the phone and call the cops, and I'm going to stay here and be face-to-face with this guy. Just buy the fucking magazine.

How bad was this magazine? And then, wonderful Los Angeles Police Department, well, do they have any weapons? No. Yeah. What do you want us to do? Come get this guy off my fucking property. I mean, he could roll the magazine up and start bludgeoning you with his weapon. Paper cuts. What do you want us to do? Come get this guy off my fucking property. I mean, he could roll the magazine up and start bludgeoning you with his weapon.

Paper cuts. What do you do? So what was he actually... Did we get to a point where what he wanted to sell you? It was just... It was a magazine scam. It was just... Basically, they're just casing apartments, seeing when people are home.

Oh, really? Yeah. I mean, that's the theory. He wasn't selling shit. They go around and they're trying to do that. And they're just finding out when you're home hey you know you can peek around right see what's going on in there okay and so then finally like i could see my neighbor maybe making up something now this is where everything's fucked up okay now here's a guy who's trespassing

won't leave my property and is being indignant about it now i don't want to bring it to violence because he's not bringing to violence violence, but the cops aren't going to do shit. So what if you tell the cops, I don't know, he seems threatening. Now the cops come with guns drawn and see a black guy and shoot him even though he's got no weapon. Problem solved. I know. You know the way things are done. And then

free magazine. Yeah, and he's not going to come back. Fine. But it's one of those situations where it's like, well, there's no answer to this. Oh, man. Did you shut the door? Yeah. I was out on my patio at this point where my neighbor was. Yeah.

And he was yelling shit at her. He was being mean, but he wasn't being violent. Go inside and get the axe, dude. Yeah. Well, at that point, yeah, I was like, I gotta go get the axe. Now that's premeditated This is honestly When you remember

The crazy thing And right there Just start masturbating It's like oh yeah Stay in this backyard I'm sorry neighbor You gotta see this Now my neighbor's

Calling the cops on me I pay rent though I can legally do this On my property See it's a shared patio. I don't think that's in the lease. Indignant black man in my backyard. Finally.

Just tug away. That's when a really good lawyer would say that I sexually harassed him and I would get sued and he would get my apartment. Not sexually harassing if you're telling him. Because that's what we do in Australia. Without guns, that's what we all do here. Just masturbate aggressively at each other. Yeah, yeah.

Or take a dump right there. And it's really hard when you're doing drive-bys as well. Give them the CK. Most people like that, they don't have the stomach you think they do. Seriously, put your pants down and just take a dump right in front of them. I got to have that ready. That's not like a choice. And you don't have that ready.

That's not like a thing where you can put your hand under your armpit and make that noise or anything. You can do that enough and it tricks your intestines into being like, oh, I've got to poop now. That's that new superhero, Man Turd. He can just turn into a turd on cue. I do think an amazing shitty superpower would be the ability to projectile vomit at will.

When I was little, my... That's actually what Karen Carpenter had. Strangely enough, the friend who brought the gun to the comedy show had acid reflux as a child and would just like, guys, guys. And it was a fun party trick for a while. Until a doctor was like, yeah, the acid is eating your esophagus. Until he had a more fun party trick. We're going to get you some medicine.

No, but you, okay, you have an ax. Like, I don't own a gun. I have an ax and a machete. Yeah, I'm a fucking, oh, I've seen machete. And a lot of knives. Yeah, a lot of knives. Yeah, I got a lot. I got, I'm a knife guy as well.

I don't have any guns, but I got like six knives in my apartment. Which is funny, because I bring that up. And like, the go-to response from every like, millennial-esque comic is like, wow, creepy. And it's like, no, no, I'm telling you about my knives. It's creepy. I'm not a millennial, but my reaction is the same. But why?

Why is that creepy? Why do you need a heap of knives? What if you appreciate them for their value as just a thing to own? I have a table that I throw them into. Really? It's very satisfying and not nearly as dangerous as shooting a gun in your home. But a table? It's a coffee table.

You just throw them from above and you just throw them there? You just chuck them down at it while you're sipping a beer. Oh, really? Very cathartic. Okay. I learned that. Look, I'm willing to be won over into this crazy world that you have in North America. So, you know, this is a good side of the moment.

Just go USA. I'm not trying to take Canadians down. You want to get real crazy, you go to New Mexico where they just hang their journalists on bridges. Yeah. Why is America always getting a bad rap? You see the shit they do in Mexico? The journalist is in a guy's backyard in Mexico.

You set him on fire. Yeah. But no, for me, it's like I like them for the idea of like, what if the shit goes down and we all need the tool? Not the weapon. That's why I've got my samurai swords. Four of them hanging on the wall. Really?

No. Look at you. You can't say that to them. Jerk, jiggler, cokehead. For me, it's just like, dude, I fucking ran with them. Jerk, jiggler, cokehead. For me, it's just like, dude, I fucking ran with them. I got one for my girlfriend just in case

someone ever walked in. But also, I appreciate the knife as a thing. Not as a fucking weapon, not as a murdering tool, but as like a, hey, this specific blade grind and what it can be used for. My girlfriend carries that and mace if she was walking to work, which she can't do anymore because of crazy people.

But she was walking back one way. Pretty arrogant, I think. She thinks she needs mace. Well. Very presumptuous. That was, I went and saw Don Rickles right before he died. And it was repeating jokes and everything. But he had one where he's like, there's a couple holding hands.

And the front row is like, what are you holding her hand for? Nobody's taking her. Ooh, a whistle. Lottie does. Everyone's got tickets on themselves. I just like, wouldn't you guys call me capsicum spray? Yeah, I think so. Really?

Yeah. Except we don't. Is it even legal? It's another thing that wouldn't even be legal here, I think so. Really? Yeah. Except we don't, is it even legal? It's another thing that wouldn't even be legal here, I don't think. You can't carry capsules and spray, can you? I guess not. It's like a police thing to carry. Yeah, police use it. We've got nothing.

America can literally move over here and rob us. We've got to come here and rob the fuck out of Australia. That's so nice. They've got good Malaysian food. Everyone's friendly. I like that I can get a cigarette. Good, you want to own that Malaysian restaurant? Also. Bring over some hot, bring over some Tabasco sauce and a squirt bottle that's friendly. I like that I can get a cigarette. Good. You want to own that Malaysian restaurant? Bring over some

Tabasco sauce in a squirt bottle. It's yours. They've got hotter than that, Kyle. Also, I like that you're going to go back to America and go, Australia had good Malaysian food. Malaysia's probably got better. Malaysia's probably got better, yes. Got good Malaysian food. The best Airwolf reruns.

It's geo-blocked from within America. You can't watch it. Actually, what is like Australian cuisine? What is it? Parma. Probably a Parma is like the closest thing we have to. I mean, we're not. I do like a Parma.

I'm not going to lie. I mean, it's a Valium, basically. I guess meat pie is very strong. Yeah, the meat pie. It's not English, really. Egg and bacon on a pizza. Oh, God. That's very us.

Eggie bakey. Eggie bakey on a pizza. Do you have Hawaiian pizza? Yeah. I love it. I know, but it's this big crime to so many people that think that this poverty food should have rules around it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A crime.

Oh, you mean the food that poor people invented because you could put anything on it? I can't put anything on it now? Yeah. Fuck you. It also seems like something that just became a crime

that's been around for 20 years. Yeah. Like people are just now being like, wait a second, that's real? Yeah, yeah. It's like, yeah, it's been real. But again, it's the internet. It's people who thought people had a platform to finally,

I can complain about pineapple on a pizza. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Having said that, I've always thought it sucked. But yeah, I could. But to have such an impotent argument about it every time it happens. No, no, no, no, not at all. I just, you know what? I hate the too much going on with food.

Like if there's this and then there's a complete right turn, I'm like, it's like, you know what i hate the too much going on with food like if there's this and then there's a complete right turn i'm like it's like you know like chocolate chip ice cream not a fan there's all this ice cream and then these little hard bits i'm like that's too much make it one or make it the other i don't want to mix i don't have that was that was your go-to example of food taking a hard right yeah yeah yeah It was chocolate chip. Literally, I think maybe the fourth flavor of ice cream that's ever been invented. This 41-year-old man with a bowl of ice cream, this is just too much. You know, they took this sweet treat and put candy inside of it? Not for me.

Too much of a mystery unfolding in there. Secondly, Mars bar, okay? What's in there? Caramel and peanuts? Too much. Peanut M&Ms. Why don't I just cut my dick off and call myself a woman? I can't believe I'm getting owned by fucking Knifey and Stabby over here.

That's exactly why. We know how to force our ways upon people. You ever eat chocolate chip ice cream with a blade? That's a power move. Next time some crazy is at my door, I'm just going to be eating ice cream with a switchblade. What you trying to sell me? Yeah, I want to buy all of them.

I did once just to myself in the apartment was eating an apple with a knife just being like a churong in my apartment my girlfriend real cowboy style

yeah my girlfriend came over one of her friends I was like yeah I realize exactly how fucking terrifying this looks I'm sorry

like a school boy now yeah yeah but yeah it's like a but yeah knifey and stabby yeah that's a good look. Which one's knifey

and which one's stabby? I went, for some reason, I thought you were more of a stabby. All right. I'm the object, you're the action.

You've got it, but you're not getting it out. The original odd couple. I just brandish it. Two guys with knives. Like Earwolf or Airwolf solving all of our problems with knives.

It's like another loaf of bread standing in our way. He stabs the bullets out of the air. Yeah, that kind of stuff. How much do you weigh? Let me help you with your homework. How much do you weigh, Kyle? What? How much do you weigh?

What the fucking question is that? Just a physical question. But what's going to happen here is he's going to tell you in pounds. Yeah, I'm going to tell you in pounds. Okay. How much is a stone? 14 pounds, right? I'll look it up right now.

I'm just always surprised when I see you again because you listen to the timbre of your voice and everything that you're saying. You go, man, I'm going to run into this guy. He's going to be 7 foot and he's going to be 110 kilos. you again because you listen to your voice and everything that you're saying you go man i'm gonna run into this guy he's gonna be seven foot and he's gonna be 110 kilos and then i run into you go oh no you're a cuddly guy yeah yeah my little guy size yeah yeah i'm nice size yeah i'm nice size fuck you carl what went wrong, little fella? Why the big attitude?

Are you sick? We're just checking in. Are you withering away? You're nice size. Your attitude's shit, but your size is very amicable. The festival probably didn't even need to buy you a flight. They just put you in Sean's carry-on luggage. Stuffy in that overhead bed.

Once I unbuckle myself from this car seat, I'm going to kick your flight. They just put you in Sean's carry-on luggage, stuff you in that overhead bed. Once I unbuckle myself from this car seat, I'm going to kick your ass. 73 kilograms. You're 73 kilos. For how much is that? 162 pounds. Oh, that's flattering. I'm really 170. You sound way heavier than that. You obviously do voices for different things. Cigarettes and booze will do that to you. Not cigarettes anymore. No, but you sound way heavier than that. You know, you've got – if you were doing – I mean,

you obviously do voices for different things. Cigarettes and booze will do that to you. Yeah, I guess. Not cigarettes anymore. See, I'm at 97 kilograms. Jesus. Your voice would not be playing the person that you are, I think. No, through animation I get to be the man I've wanted to be.

Oh, really? What do you do in animation? Are you like bears and stuff? I've done some stuff. I'm playing a police dog on a thing. Oh, yeah, nice. A police dog that's addicted to drugs. See, I's a show called police dog no it's not it's not that's on the police dogs have guns or knives or no i just sniff out the drugs and i do all the

drugs oh the role you were born to play yeah you know that's pretty fun no i play probably like bikers and stuff yeah yeah yeah yeah it's fun i's fun. I don't know where the voice came from. From years of not having vocal training and screaming at people, it just happens. I sat down a little while ago to watch the first season of Love on Netflix and imagine my surprise to see our friend Kyle rooting away in the first episode. As a police dog?

Yeah. Rooting a police dog. It's a really deep show. It takes the manimal concept. Manimal in love. Yeah, I was actually in Colorado with my girlfriend and she was in

we're in this hotel room. She's in the living room area watching Love and I just hear her go, I was like, what? And I go over and she makes me we're in this hotel room she's in the living room area watching Love and I just hear her go ah ah ah I was like what? and I go over

and she makes me rewatch it I was the one person who was like yeah it's Kyle fucking oh so that's just a full on because I haven't seen it just a full on scene of you

see your little bottom from behind written away more people were more upset because I I shaved for that they made me shave the beard and more people were like ugh because I shaved for that. They made me shave the beard. And more people were like, ugh, your face.

No problem with my nude ass. But my actual face, a lot of unsolicited comments online. You should never shave again. Oh, thanks. Wow, what a great way to be called ugly. You should never shave again. Thanks, person who isn't shaving yet. Yeah, the beauty of the internet.

So is that your real butt or stunt butt? Yeah. Yeah, I put my dick in balls. Do you ever give a bottle of wine as a gift? It's like a bag like that. Yeah. Put it in there. A little gopher trap. Do you ever give a bottle of wine as a gift? It's like a bag like that. Yeah. Put it in there.

A little gopher trap. You're nodding, Sean, like you've done the same thing. You ever have a gopher trap for your dick and balls? No, no. But I mean, not for professional reasons. Right. For fun. Like, what if I put this in this wine gift bag? Well, that's cool.

This would be fun. Men. It would fall off. And then they had a woman that would be like, all right, it's a closed set, very sensitive. I'm like,

I don't give a shit. And then they would like try and get a robe on me right away, you know, for my decency. Then after a while it became like

a little bullfight where like they'd be holding the robe up and I'd be like, ha ha. I just love that they're like so concerned with your decency and then they're like,

ah, action. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was such a terrible, I was like 45 minutes late. My alarm just didn't go off that morning. It was one of those like, oh, this is the day that this shit is going out. And so I smelled so bad. And then I was naked. Like all my body odor was just escaping.

It was a horrible day and I felt so bad for everybody that was a part of that and i still praise their professionalism no it didn't slip through you didn't get any feedback any any negative bo feedback i was kind of i think it was kind of just like all right this is this is the industry i didn't everybody else was a professional where i was like am i supposed to actually like hump on you yeah or like Or like hump next to you. How do you audition for that? Well, that's not the scene they use. Oh, man. That would be great if that was. You know, there was other stuff in there.

I had lines and everything. Well, I haven't heard about them yet. People turning up to auditions that aren't even actors. Just release. They just saw anybody's first three years of comedy where you fuck a stool on stage. This kid's got the stuff. This kid's got it. Nothing I love more than someone who does a fuck a stool on stage. This kid's got the stuff. This kid's got it.

Nothing I love more than someone who does a rooting act out on stage, but they're a bit too into it, and it's like, that's how you fuck, isn't it? They're just giving it up a bit too much detail there. Nothing better than now knowing that I will be calling sex rooting

from now on. Take that back. Let it let it grow throughout america please i don't i don't remember which comic had the joke but it was talking about like they're glad that porn is digital now or something because the days of vhs porn oh it's like i knew exactly where my father busted a nut because that's where the tape was stopped so you knew exactly what your dad was into yeah you couldn't hire a basic instinct from a video store. It was just completely ruined. I remember being like a teenager and my parents being just out of that,

just not home one day and me like, I'm going to go root through my dad's shit for porn because I know he's got something. That means fucking through your dad's shit. Yeah, yeah. Fucking dad's porn on you. I'm going to go bang through my dad's shit. Yeah, yeah. Fuck your dad's porn on. I'm going to go bang through my dad's stuff. I'm going to go look through my dad's stuff. And I found a cassette with no labeling.

A VHS. Nice. Yes, I watched it. And it was just very Showtime, late night, very soft core. And I remember being disappointed. Oh, yeah. And then later looking back being like, actually, I'm glad. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Touched a bullet there. Just taping the stuff that was on cable, not going to the store and buying stuff. Or like a video of him and some fucking Asian boy locked in a cage. I was just going to say, and your mom, but that's also bad, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He went real dark. Him and my mom, hey, that's all I got here. It should be celebrated

this is my origin story every great superhero has one right you clearly haven't seen my show it's all about that oh imagine that imagine if you had that on film your

like you said your origin story you being not given birth to but you the start of your life as in your dad having sex with your mom

that moment if that was on tape fucking hell just enough of like when parents name their kids not given birth to, but the start of your life, as in your dad having sex with your mom, that moment, if that was on tape, fucking hell. Just enough of when parents name their kids after the city they were consummating. This is my son, Cozumel. I don't want to know that at fucking all. Don't know. Where are you going on spring break? Anywhere but Cozumel.

I just want to meet the one kid who's like, this is our son Fort Worth. You don't have to name him after the city. He could have gotten creative with it. That's going to ruin a complete city for you. As the person called that, you can't go there anymore where it's like I'm only here because

my dad's dick was in my mum. All over the city too. Not to mention, I would think like every classroom right now has at least four Brooklands in it. Oh yeah. I just want to look on a map of Australia and find

both the cities of Carl and Tommy. Well we've never been. I've been to Carl, he's been to Tommy. Just tell me it's nice. I've been to Carl. He's been to Tom. I can't ever. Just tell me it's nice. I just want to know it's nice. If they're going to do that, your parents, they should at least say, look, okay, we don't want to ruin the city. We'll just let you know the building, the exact building where it happened,

so you can still go and just know which block to avoid. Stay on the other side of it. Stay in the suburbs. No, they should name you after a building so they don't wreck the whole city. Yes. So it's just, you're just Commonwealth Bank or, you know, whatever. Commonwealth Bank. This is my son's bedroom.

Oh, there's an interesting story behind this. Great. Now I can't sleep in a bedroom anymore. I have to only sleep on the couch. The trick is wherever you sleep becomes your bedroom and it haunts you for the rest of your life. Well, that's why. Why do I have insomnia, you ask?

Well. This is our daughter, Celie Postropedic. This is Celie Postropedic Dasolo. That could work, Celia Postropedic. Yeah. I like the idea of your name is whatever sound your father makes when he... This is our son. And our daughter. That's probably how names got started. Probably our son. And our daughter.

That's probably how names got started. Probably. Sean. Tommy. My name's Condom Broke. Well, we'd better wrap it up for another week here on the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Nah, let's keep going. Let's just keep riffing, guys.

Let's talk about guns and knives. And our parents fucking Yeah we're covering a lot of ground Guys put them down We just want to leave the building Put down your guns They're both brandish weapons We gotta go

This is the episode of our show Where we solve the podcast issue That is a good podcast concept Of somebody that's just held hostage For a podcast It says Hour 27 episode 12 I feel like we've done that enough already good podcast concept of somebody that's just held hostage for a podcast. It says, Hour 27, Episode 12.

I feel like we've done that enough already. Yeah, this marathon, I'm making quotations around the word marathon. You guys both have stuff that people can find online. Carl, you have your own podcast? Yeah, it's called The Boogie Monster with my buddy Dave. And you've got a bunch of albums out there. You've got a Netflix thing that went up recently. Yeah, there got a bunch of albums out there. You've got a Netflix thing that went up recently.

Yeah, there's a bunch of shit out there. A bunch of shit. Sean? I have a podcast called 59 Minutes with Sean Patton. It is exactly that. It won't be launching until probably late May, early June. But it's on the All Things Comedy Network. Great.

Yeah, give it a listen. Go check that out. And one day there will be something. Wow. One day. But the day is not this day. You had an album out. I had an album out, but it's not very good. Did I ever show you where I swear?

Did I ever show you where you have, like, one of your promo photos is you, like, with the microphone all the way in your mouth, and it was up somewhere, and somebody drew balls on the microphone. So your two plugs at the end are i got an album that's not very good and i don't have a podcast yet no exactly why are you being flown out to another country you have nothing things are not going very well thank you for the reminder but i just want you yeah there's a podcast and uh one day there might be a thing. And until then, I'll just keep coming to your country

and really fucking falling down on stage for that. Check out Airwolf. Guys, look out for my eventual knighthood potentially one day as well. Keep an eye out on the social medias. One day there'll be something. All right, guys, thanks very much for listening and we day there'll be something. All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mate.

And for another week, here we are bringing it up on the rare of the episode with Talking Dum Dum. On the what? On the rare? Bringing it up the, yeah, I don't know what I was going for there. I don't know either. Yeah. I'm a bit fried.

It's a Sunday night. Yeah, great episode. Nice little break between the live episodes. We have still got two live episodes from Melbourne to come in the next two weeks. So a nice little break for you guys to hear a bit of a studio. For you guys that like the studio ones more than live ones. For you guys, suck shit because we have to do the live ones because it makes us money and we have a very fun time doing them

nice, so as we said at the top if you like the live episodes Sydney is all cooked, sorry people, and we do need to issue a reminder to the ticket holders which we will be doing every week on the show until the gig happens it says 8pm kickm. kickoff.

You really need to be in there bang on 8 p.m. because we have a very strict curfew in the venue. We barely have enough time to fit in everything that we're doing. So please be in there ready and seated to kick off the gig at 8 p.m. Otherwise, it eats into the podcast time and we'll be doing a shorter podcast if we have to start late. And no one wants that except for us. And it means, for some weird loophole reason,

it means we do twice as long with our stand-up if you're late. So, hey, your choice, guys. We do every bit twice. Yeah. So, yes, that's going to be heaps of fun. We also, as we were speculating about last week, we have, as of this week, confirmed an after party. It's a location nearby, which we'll be telling you about on the night.

The unofficial DJ of the Little Dum Dum Club, DJ Levens, will be there, who, if you were at the Drunk Cast last year, you would have seen him on the decks while we were on stage playing Crocodile Rock while Will Anderson was trying to tell a story about Elton John. Nice. I like it. I don't remember it, but I like it.

I don't think Will appreciated it at all. Right. To be fair, it sounds quite rude. Oh, it's an outrageous dickhead move on the part of Levens. I don't know what he thought he was doing, but you know what? It made me laugh, so that's good. Oh, well, probably kept Will away from the drunk cast this way, so that was good of him. Let's see how many bridges he can burn this time.

But yes, he's organising this whole thing, so that's going to be fun. He's found a place that's open pretty late, which, let me tell you, no mean feat up in Sydney. Yeah, so if you are one of those people that like a good time, and a lot of people that come to our live shows like a good time uh we're going to be making the most of it and because you know what there's is very few chances for us to uh you know get together and have a beer with our guests our listeners because it's june 2 i mean we're not in thailand for another couple of days so we're really going to get stuck into it yes uh so yeah very excited uh looking forward to that also kosamui Samui coming up, like we said.

Not much more that needs to be said. I'm sure everyone who's coming along has their tickets. Oh, that's one thing we should say. It is a ticketed event. If you've booked your airfare, if you've booked the hotel, it is a ticketed event this year. We're putting on five nights' worth of shows and stand-up and everything. And, you know, we fund this whole thing ourselves out of the ticket money.

So we do need you guys to do the right thing. We don't have a sponsor. So this is how it's all working. So do the right thing. We will have security checks and all that boring sort of stuff. But, you know, we will be giving out wristbands and lanyards sort of stuff. So you do actually need to have all this sorted out. Yes.

So do the right thing. Folks, if you've not gotten on that yet, littledumbdumbclub.com is where you can find those links. And when you get that ticket, that means that you get access into our private little Facebook group for Koh Samui goers where we're explaining everything that we're doing. And it's getting busy. There's a lot of excited, excited happy campers in there at the moment.

It's a nice mix of people that went last year plus people that uh obviously didn't go and at first time to thailand or whatever and some like actual first-time travelers some people first time overseas or perhaps on a plane oh exciting so um yeah a lot of people bubbling with excitement at the moment yeah a lot of people kind of planning stuff they're going to do during the day sussing out interest for like group activities and day trips and stuff like that. So it's a good way to get hyped. Yeah.

And I just like spending time in it at the moment because I'm just getting excited about it because it's like a month. As we're recording this, it's a month until I go. Well, we're both going a bit early, aren't we? Yeah. You're doing a bit of travelling. I'm going straight there to just relax for a bit. Not at the beautiful Ozo but somewhere else just to basically so no one can trace me and find me.

So, yeah, in a beautiful five-star location that is very cheap for a five-star place. So I'm very happy about that. Yeah, very exciting. Make the move, guys. You've only got a month or so, I think. Yeah, not long at all. When this comes out.

So if you're going to make the call, make the call now and get onto it. And, of course, go through STA Travel if you want to go there. And you haven't got your travel insurance, you haven't got any part of your comm or your flights or anything like that, go with STA Travel and hit up. Let them know that we sent you. Go online and find out whatever that email address is again. Good system you've worked out here.

tlddc.au at statravel.com. Dot au? Possibly. I think possibly. Look, if you've got any trouble, just hit us up. Private messages on Facebook or Twitter or Instagram. So, yeah, easy, easy. If you want to do the right thing, buy us and help fund the festival, basically.

That's what you can do by booking, you know what, any flight. For people not going to Coast of Millie, for people just flying from Melbourne to Sydney, flying anywhere, getting any accommodation anywhere in Australia, go through them, use our details, let them know that we sent you and it helps us out. It helps us fund this fest what about just any kind of tourist attraction in any city like if you're going to like a hedge maze outside of melbourne can you hit them up and get them to book the tickets for you uh do people charge to get into a hedge maze yes do they pretty sure you do yeah yeah well you know what that's another

thing for for people that are going to kosamui, they can get tours booked through them as well. They specialise in that as well. So if you want to get a tour and you don't want to wait until you get over there, book it through STA Travel Now. Yeah. Awesome. We do also need to say a big thank you to everyone who supports the show on Patreon. We do.

So thank you. Over the last couple of months, we've been frantic with work and including, a big part of that is doing the podcast and doing a stand-up and all that sort of stuff. So we have dipped a tiny bit behind. No one's missed out on anything, but in terms of all the bonus stuff,

we have been a tiny bit behind. We are caught up now. We're caught up, yeah. So we're going to be, everything's going to be coming out on time from now on. Yes. So thank you to everyone for their patience

in waiting for their bonus little things. And so people know, it's not like when it's late, it's not like we're sitting around not thinking about it. Like we are very aware and anxious and going, fuck, and doing whatever we can to squirrel away half an hour to, you know, do fan art of each other to put in the fucking magazine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we've only been a couple of days late or whatever.

So we're all back on board. So thank you for your patience. Guys, we would love any new patrons to get on board as well. We're about to read out a few of our old school ones, but we'd love – if you're on the fence, you know what? We don't usually sort of spruik for it, but hey, this is how it happens. If we don't have any of you guys chucking in a bit of spare change every month, we've honestly got better things to do.

So if we're not getting paid to do this, this is a big part of our lives now. This is an actual job for us, the amount of time we put into this. So if you enjoy it, this is how the world works these days. We'd love you to chuck in a little bit and help us out and keep us running this thing. $10 a month gets you a bonus magazine and a bonus episode so you get more content out of it and it's greatly appreciated by us. And in the grand scheme of things, $10 a month, nothing.

Yep. That's nothing. Yep. And $5 gets you just a magazine and that's all that's welcomed as well if you've got a ton of money feel free to send us even more yes we'd love that

just quickly is there any millionaires here's a question do we I don't think I've asked this before do we have any millionaire listeners at the very least I would like to know

who is the richest person that listens to this podcast yeah so if people could start shout out to Will Anderson once again but yeah there could be someone

richer than him who listens I'd love to know new segment for the their – Shout out to Will Anderson once again. There could be someone richer than him who listens. I'd love to know. New segment for the show. Are you richer than Will Anderson? If you are richer than Will Anderson, please hit us up. Will, because we know he listens, sorry for saying that I enjoyed watching you get cut off by Crocodile Rock before.

Yeah. Send us – Will, if you can send us your most recent bank balance. We'll keep it secret. And then if listeners, if you think – if you're seeing this your most recent bank balance we'll keep it secret and then if listeners if you think if you're seeing this guy on TV and looking at him

going I reckon I earn more than this motherfucker send us your bank statement as well and we'll compare them and then eventually we'll be able to work out

if indeed we ever find a listener who's more wealthy than Will Anderson yeah but that doesn't you know he owns property and stuff like that it's hard

you know if you're rich you're not just like leaving it in your fucking savings account. Okay. To no interest. Give it – direct messages. Give us your accountant's details.

We'll get on the phone to him or her and we'll kind of – we'll talk about assets and kind of all that kind of stuff and we'll get him to – what are you – like an estimated value. Yeah, yeah, yeah. An estimated worth. Maybe just like compare supers maybe. Yes. Yes. Yes. That's – do you have more super than Will Anderson? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And estimated worth. Maybe just like compare supers maybe. Yes. Yeah. Yes.

Do you have more super than Will Anderson? Yes. Yeah. Great. Excellent. There we go. That's easy, isn't it? That's great.

Yeah, that's perfect. Great. Okay. All right. Quickly before we get into reading out Patreon names, we need to checkly quick in with Talking Coppola. You need to what? Checkly quick in?

Is that what I said? Yes. That's pretty amazing. I think I've been having a stroke for the last half an hour. But man, we've already done Koh Samui. I don't know why you're still spruiking it. Fucking hell. This is like October.

I'm really tired today. Yes, we need to check in with Talking Coppola. Any Coppola updates? I think we did get one during the week, didn't we? Did we? I think someone definitely said the way it was pronounced. They said one of us was very wrong saying it. So I believe it's – how do you say it?

Coppola. Yeah. And I say Coppola. Yeah. I think. This is such a shit update where I'm saying, well, someone said that one of us is right and one of us is wrong, but I don't know which one it is.

That's – I mean, I'm happy to stretch this out until next week as well. Right. I believe I said, what? I said it was a girl. There's two listeners. Yeah. There's two Coppolas who listen. Two Coppolas.

Yeah. Or two Coppolas. Yeah. So I think that's, yeah, sorry. All right. This is enough of an update. That's enough. there's two of them Do you want to know why I'm so tired?

And also, you wanted to do this earlier and I couldn't do it Okay, I wonder where this is going Yeah, sure I was at a baptism Who of? Of Dilwook Jones, the one-year-old baby who lives next door to me He's at a baptism at one He got baptised

Is that a bit late or not? It is pretty late, yeah. They're a pretty unconventional family over there across the fence. Over there? Yeah. I was going to say because this is actually, I believe this is the first time we've recorded Talking Dumb Dumb in your house since the advent,

since I found out about you living next door to Dilwook Jones, the one-year-old baby that you live next door to. Yes. So I was thinking, well, maybe I'd get to meet him or something, but I guess it is pretty late when we're recording this. I mean, yeah, what time is it? It's like – Like 7 o'clock.

Yeah, it's 10 to 7. I mean, he's asleep. He's asleep now. Yeah, his bedtime is 6 o'clock. Right. Well, that makes a lot more sense, you know, bringing your baby to bed at 6 o'clock than letting a baby talk to you through the fence every day by the sound of it.

Yeah, and don't forget when he came to the movies with me, unsupervised. I'll never forget that. The idea of you bringing a one-year-old that you don't even know to the movies with you. I think he went to bed even earlier. I don't think the police will forget it either. I think he went to bed even earlier today

because it was all tuck it out after the baptism. I was going to say you were tuck it out. After accepting Christ. Yeah, I mean, I cried. I was going to say you were tuck it out. After accepting Christ. I cried. I was very emotional. I had to give a speech. You did a speech? I did a speech, yeah. What did you say in your speech? Any highlights? I just said that I'd shared some of the highlights because

we've talked about how he's kind of... Hang on, hang on. This sounds like you're doing a best man speech but generally you don't have a lot of stories to tell about a one-year-old. Well, but I've talked about on the podcast, I think the first time he came up how he's a bit of a wilson figure to me so when i'm when i'm kind of experiencing hardship in my life or i have something of a moral quandary or the miso is giving me absolute grief and we're barneying right i you know i just walk out there and he's there he's in the dog house yeah his face is concealed by the fence all right and he kind of

coaches me through these kind of like you know these these kind of ethical quandaries that i have to navigate when his face is concealed by the fence like there's not much of him so surely everything of his almost well so what you think when you're a baby you're just a head well the tasmanian devil where you just your face is your whole character well there's only about a foot of the rest of him sure yeah yeah so there's not. So you're not seeing his face but what you're seeing is... So he's doing a handstand on the fence. Right. So his face is concealed but I can see all of the rest of the body because it's angled

up towards the sky. That's... Alright, well that's even worse for the baby than going out to a cinema with you. I'm not making him do it. The baby's doing a headstand. That's not good for a baby. Yeah. To let all the blood rush to his head while he's talking to you. And this is all the kind of stuff that I said in the baptism. Right.

I don't see the parents that often, so I was like, this is an opportunity for me to go... So you see the baby more often than the parents next door? Yeah, because I said, he's out in the backyard unsupervised. Fucking hell. I don't know what they're doing. They're just, you know... You should find out, because that's not right. Well, I don't know. Did you see them

when you took the baby to Dilworth Jones to the cinema? No, I just told him to come around here at four in the afternoon. He just knocked on the door and then we left. What? You took off then and then saw like a two-hour movie. Surely that would have been after his bedtime. Yeah, he fell asleep. He missed the end.

Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you just carried him back to the car? Yeah, carried him back to the car. Carried him home or? Carried him, yeah. Carried him home. Dropped him on the doorstep next door. Fucking hell.

Knocked on the door and then came back here. Didn't see the parents? Didn't see the parents. Left a note on his chest or something? That was kind of the... I was trying to go as long as I could without meeting his parents. Right. And so I was actually...

Why? Is there a reason behind that? No, none at all. Just a private bit. It's just been going for a long time now. And I was like, I want to see how long I can stretch this out. It's just like me with no bread.

You're just like, no Jones parents. It's like you with proposing. Right. No Mr and Mrs Jones. Yeah. Right. He invited me to the baptism

and I was like, dude, I've got to be honest. I'm going to have to see your parents at this thing. I kind of don't want to go. And he was like- That must have been weird to explain to a baby,

to a one-year-old baby. Yeah. Well, yeah, he didn't get it. He's still, his brain's still growing. He's trying to grasp the world and you're teaching him and he was like that must have been weird to explain to a baby to a one year old baby yeah well yeah he didn't get it he's still his brain's still growing he's trying to grasp the world and you're teaching him

that it's okay for someone to go I don't mind getting along with you a one year old baby that lives next door to me but I don't want to meet your parents nothing to do with your parents

and what's the reason I don't know I have no good reason yeah it's like why I use a fake surname right I don't have a good reason

I don't have a good answer I do a lot of things in my life for no good discernible reason. Right, right, right. It keeps things interesting. This is one of the worst ones, I'd say. This is quite bizarre. One of the worst what? Episodes of this?

No. No. Well, you can't criticise the truth, you know. This is just something that's happened. Well, I mean, we're meant to be on here trying to be funny. Like, we're comedians and this is a comedy podcast. Right. And we're just now very plainly just describing a day

with complete factual accuracy. You don't want, you know, I'm not coming on here doing stand-up or anything. Like I find this, you know, a lot of this podcast is just interesting thing. And this is fucking blowing my mind that this is part of your life. So it's interesting for me, if not anyone else. So that's why I was kind of, yeah, mixing words up and stuff before

because I'm just, I'm a bit, you know's a big day. Right. It's a big day being at the baptism. So baptism. Yeah. Right. I had to dunk him in the water as well. Right. Yeah, yeah. And where was this? In a church, in a chapel. Right. Okay. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Nice. So he's what religion is he? He's Christian. Right. What's his name with

Dilruch? He accepted Christ into his life as his Lord and Saviour. Right, right, right. Dilruch. Okay. Is that his confirmation as his Lord and Saviour. Right, right, right. Dilruch. Okay. Is that his confirmation name? Yes. So that's his name and his confirmation name, Dilruch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how it works, isn't it?

That makes sense. Yeah. I wasn't really paying attention. They sort of explain all this at the start, but I was like really nervous trying to remember all the key points of my speech. Right. Oh, good for you. Any more brain busters?

I hope not. All right. Well well that's good I feel somehow glad that you're now talking to someone Who's a bit more Age appropriate The more this goes on the older he is I think I'm closer in age to him than I am to you Yeah yeah No that's not official

But he is baptised which I. No, that's not official. But he is baptised, which I'm not. So, you know, that's something. That's something good. Are you baptised? I actually don't know. Is that weird to not know? Surely it would have come up.

I'll text my mum. Right. Okay. This will be interesting. Can I have ten? All right. Hang on. You've got to do something while I'm texting? All right. Hang on. You've got to do something while I'm texting.

All right. I will text your mum as well and ask. I'll text your dad and see who replies first. Okay. Maybe I'll go next door. All right. I've just sent a text. Am I baptized?

So we'll get an update. Hopefully we'll get an update while this is happening. Okay. I won't text my mum because I know I absolutely am not baptised. Is there anything that you are not sure about your past that you could text your mum to get an answer from before we end this episode? Oh, that's a good question. What?

I think... Am I circumcised? You know what? I was going to... There was a point where I was like, am I circumcised? You know what? I was going to – there was a point where I was like, am I – I didn't know the difference. This is teenage years. Right, okay.

Because I'm like, well, I haven't seen another dick. So how would I know? And then one day my mum goes, oh, yeah, blah, blah, blah, and was like telling some old story and going, oh, you know, when you went into the hospital that time, I was like, why did I go to the hospital? And she goes, well, you know, to get the snip thing. And I go, oh, so I am.

Okay, good to know. I thought it was going to be some story where you're like, you know, driving around and she's like, oh, this reminds me of the time when we sliced a little bit off your dick. No, no, no, no. But she did let it slip and I went, went okay now i know that that's that's what that is great little cheat there's no way she would have thought that she was like giving up the ghost and you know dropping an absolute bombshell on you yeah no she was like you know

when you went to have the stupid i'm like oh yeah of course yeah yeah that makes it sound like you gotta they took you in to get a vasectomy when you were like one i'm'm sure she didn't say snip, but I don't know what she said. We can already tell that this thing is fucked and we do not want it procreating. Yeah, so that's news for everyone out there as well. That would be wild to send your kid in to get a vasectomy. If you're going to write any fan fiction about me. Yeah, it's accurate. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That would be great if you were so paranoid. You knew that you definitely didn't want to be a grandparent. Never want to be a grandparent. I'm going to take my kid in and make him get a vasectomy. Right. So that I never have to be a grandparent. Right, right, right. So that I'm protected against ever having to feel the pang of old age of being a grandparent.

Yeah, how young can you be to get a vasectomy? Can you be? You can't be. 18, surely. Surely. I wonder if there's people out there that are like, oh, I can't be. 18, surely. Surely. What if there's people out there that are like, oh, I can't wait. I'm 17.

I can't wait for my 18 so I can drink and get the snip. Get my fucking tubes tied. Anyway, so let's get on with the aforementioned Patreon segment of this show where we talk about some of the people that have, you know, we sort of have said we'd love new people to subscribe. Well, let's talk about some people who have made that decision. The old guard. Months ago.

Yep. And things are about to pay off pretty nicely for them. They're about to get their names read out on this show. Wow. The same show that they listen to and give money to. What a coincidence. This must be a great moment for these people. Just quivering with anticipation going,

I wonder if this is the week that I finally get read out. There are a few people that listen to this show, like it's the fucking Tats Lotto segment of the show. I wonder if this is the week that I, Aaron Cunt, finally get my name read out. Well, if that was your name, don't worry. I'd be bringing it forward. I mean, if you lost names, can't.

All right. Here it comes. Once again, let's fire up the old unplanned title alternator and see who comes out. Let's go. Let's hit the big red button. And first cab off the rank this week is, thank you to Patreon subscriber Peter,

and that's P-E-T-A, Stregalinos. Stregalinos. Stregalinos. Stregalinos. Right, right. Peter Stregalinos. What do you think that is?

Greek? Without seeing it spelled, it sounds Greek. Well, I'm speaking it exactly the way it's spelt. Stragalinos. Yeah, that's Greek. It's got to be Greek. That's Greek, baby. What do you think about naming a baby after the protection for animal society,

whatever PETA stands for? Jesus Christ. What do you think about this thing that I barely have a grasp of? It's a fair question. Into it. Into it. I've always liked the lady version of PETA. The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

Yeah. Yeah. That's it. I just remembered that out of my own head. What did you think it was? I didn't know. I didn't know what it was. Right.

Yeah. No, I like PETA. That's who she's it was. Right. Yeah, no, I like Peter. That's who she's named after. Okay, right. That's written in the notes in the comments section of Patreon. Yes, I do like the girl with the name Peter. The female Peter. Into it.

There's a few of them, isn't there? The old. I've never actually known one. I haven't either i i don't maybe that's about to change maybe old strapopopolis would like to be i don't know strapopopolis yes stragg stragg stragg ellenos stragg ellenos peter stragg ellenos straggsy strose yeah strago people for the ethical treatment of animals Yes

Peter Yes You know who's a big fan of Peter? David Quirk Someone that No Someone that we're a big fan of A little lady by the name of Pamela

Denise Anderson Nice I didn't know that Yeah, big fan Pamela Denise Anderson. Nice. I didn't know that. Yeah, big fan. But then again, she also likes Julian Assange. So, yeah, interesting. Interesting bunch of things that she's into.

Well, it's not like they contradict each other. If he was out there. Well, one's good and one's fucked. So, I would say. Well, which is which though, hey? It's all about perspective, isn't it? That's pretty clear. There's not many people, even the worst people in the world aren't going, people

for the ethical treatment of animals are fucked. But it's not like he's like, it's not like he's in hiding for like fucking strangling a panda to death. Then it would be like, how can you like this guy and also like Peter? Okay, yeah, sure. They're not in direct lineage with each other.

Yes. But, you know, come on, Pammy. You can do better than him. Yeah. I mean, you know. A podcast host, for example. Exactly. Like, you know.

Honest, genuine question. Pamela, would you leave your wife for Pamela Anderson? She comes to you right now and says, I'm yours if you want me. No. Really? I would not leave my wife for someone who appears to be a bit of a crazy 50-year-old woman. No. No.

For one night with her? No. Wow. Well, look. I'm shocked. If I said to my wife, sorry, but it's over because I've got half a chance to root a 50-year-old. It's not half a chance.

She's saying this is definitely happening. Yeah. Well, for a full chance to root a 50-year-old woman. I feel bad for her. This is weird because you're directly contradicting what you said in your wedding vows. Well, I'm not going to. Yeah.

I had to entertain the crowd that night. Yeah. I would root Pammy if you left your wife. Right. Yeah. That's well – okay. Would you do that for me? Things are –

I tell you, I'm – man. Well, I'm pretty selfless, so maybe the tables have turned now. I think that would be an easier sell. I like to think that your wife would be fine with that. If you were like, it's for Tommy's well-being. I don't want to see you go. Trust me, I want nothing more than to stay married for you. But it's the only chance Tommy has of true happiness is to be with Pamela Anderson.

I like to think – she's nice, your wife. I like to think that she'd do that for me. Yeah. If I said to her Maybe look It's Baby it's quits But But The good thing is

It's the only way We can We can let Tommy Daslow Have sex with a lady Who is in the worst shape Of her life Oh my god Right now

And it's not getting better God Well it's a fact That's how time works That's how age works Oh my god Tommy It's gonna It happens to us all Thanks Peter Thanks Peter Well, it's a fact. That's how time works. That's how age works. Tommy, it happens to us all.

Thanks, Peter. Thanks, Peter. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Damien Nenna. Nenna. Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nenna, Nen We'd climax at the same time, but it has not happened. Interesting name. I don't know what to think of it. Yeah. Nenna. Nenna.

Nenna. Is it some sort of another nationality of like Nonna? Like is it a different country? I don't know. So you think this person's like surname for their whole life has been a slang term for a grandparent? Yeah, maybe. And they've just had to, you know, they're just hoping they'll grow into it one day. So you can't be getting your kid a vasectomy at a young age if that's the case.

I'm looking up Urban Dictionary for nana. And it means apparently an awesomely infamous person. Okay. Yeah. That's pretty cool. Yeah. But like what does that mean, an awesomely infamous person? A very, very infamous person.

Yeah. I guess. Well, so inspiring of all. So they are so infamous that like, it's just spellbinding. Like an Al Capone type figure?

Sure. Like Pammy. Oh yeah, okay, alright. The, I'm looking it up on Urban Dictionary

and the example it gives after saying an awesomely infamous person, to be honest, I've cleaned it up. It says, a awesomely infamous person. So,

for a joint that calls themselves Urban Dictionary, can you just figure out your fucking grammar? But anyway, the example it gives is… Yeah, but that's urban. That's like, you know, grammar doesn't matter on the streets, dude. Well, it fucking gets worse because the example I give is, wow, that gill is really nana. What does that mean?

Yeah. They've misspelt girl. They must have because why are they talking about a gill? Yeah. A gill being infamous. I don't know. Fucking Urban Dictionary. I'm off it.

Were you ever on it? Have you been a big fan of it in the past? I've been on the fence but now I'm – It's pretty embarrassing, isn't it, the moment where like you're seeing like a slang term going around on Twitter and having to open up Urban Dictionary and type in, okay, all right, on fleek, what does it mean? It's a real – it's one of those things where you're like,

I'm so glad no one's witnessing this. Like I can never do it on a tram. Like I have to wait until I'm alone, cover up my webcam so that no one hacks my computer and sees me doing it. Yeah, in case there's like a listener on the tram that's watching you yes yes yeah i yeah i had a person i think this happens to you you quite often uh get approached by listeners of the show i think it happens more and more to me on the street which is very nice people always sort of sort of come up thinking

you know i gather this sort of feeling oh i don't want to bother you or this is weird or whatever. I'm like, totally fine, man. How are you? Well, specifically you, I think they're going to be called a cunt within five seconds. Right. Yeah, that's fair. But I don't do that.

So feel free to say hello. But someone came up to me at the gym today and was like, hey. And I'm like, and I just automatically assumed. By the way, giving Urban Dictionary shit for their grammar and then you go, someone come up to me. Well, I don't call myself Carl Dictionary. Urban Carl. Chandler Dictionary.

That's not me. I'm not saying I'm the fucking champ here. Urban Dictionary are. So there's different guidelines, the two of us. So someone comes up to me today in the gym and goes, hey. And I'm like, oh, obviously, like I listen because there's no reason for a random person to come up to you and say hey. And then they just kept going around the gym.

And by all the actions I watched them doing from then on, I was like, no, no, no, this is just a crazy person in the gym. And they were just doing laps. Because it's a fine line with our fans, isn't it? It's like they often – most of them could go either way. It's like the look of a crazy person in the street. This guy looked like a podcast listener as well. But the more, and I was actually at the gym with my wife today

and after we went out, she said, did you see that guy in the gym? He was just doing laps of the gym and not using any of the equipment. Like, yeah, and he also didn't look like a person who would ever use the gym as well. So he just got in there and was just. Just treating it like a social thing. Just doing laps of, I mean, I guess that's yeah. And he also didn't look like a person who would ever use the gym as well. So he just got in there and was just – Just treating it like a social thing. Just doing lapses. I mean, I guess that's exercise.

Yeah. But he's literally just walking around the gym. And honestly, I didn't see him use any of the equipment except for after he was doing all that stuff, I went to use one bit of the equipment. I sat down and hadn't used it. He walks up to me and goes, can I use that? And I go, you know what? Yes.

I'm just going to walk away. I'll find another bit of equipment. I don't need to deal with you if this is your behavior. used it. He walks up to me and goes, can I use that? And I go, you know what? Yes. I'm just going to walk away. I'll find another bit of equipment. I don't need to deal with you if this is your behavior. Love it. But I guess, thanks, Nenna. Thanks, Nenna. Thanks, Damien Nenna. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Scotty Anderson.

Ah, big Scotty Anderson. I know Scotty Anderson. Ah, big Scotty Anderson. I know Scotty Anderson. Came to my festival show. Saw me standing up the back of the room. Came up to say hi. Not appreciated. Getting ready to do a show. Even less appreciated because he knocked over one of the lights

up the back of the room on his way to come and speak to me. Everything's gone wrong in the space of like 30 seconds. So a minute after me saying, come up and say hello, I like it, you go, do not come up and say hello to me. Don't come up and say hello when I'm like just about to start a show that you're about to sit in the audience and watch. And if you're a big chance of knocking over an expensive piece of equipment on the way to talking to me, even more so, don't come over.

All right. So, well, that's a nice bit of information for listeners to know because they might not know that. So, if you're coming up to talk to us. If you see me in the street, right, and I'm like on my own, I'm not about to do a show. Great. Come say hi. However, if between you and me there's a smoke machine Yep Don't Just stay away I'm going to say

Don't risk it I'm going to say If there's just any other people If there's like some Pensioner between you and him Don't knock them over No Push a pensioner

I'm fine with that I'm advocating for that Okay Fuck you've got some complicated rules Yeah well you know Alright Alright this is interesting What if there's a

What if there's a pensioner Between you and him At a show Oh Am I on at the show Yes Is, am I on at the show? Yes. Is the pensioner on at the show? No.

Do come and talk to me. Okay. What if the pensioner's on at the show and you're not on at the show? Do talk to me. Okay. All right. Okay. I'm making a list.

All right. For anyone that hasn't followed this, I've made a list of all the do's and don'ts and I can send that out nice wow so fuck it's a tough it's a tough life trying to get to know you

if you don't know you already yeah a lot of hoops to jump through to get a bit of face time with me and again you know look

after all the Dilwick Jones stuff I was like fuck who? sorry Dilwick Jones the one year old baby that lives next door to you thank you it's it's a weird life you're living yeah Like, fuck. Who? Sorry, Dilwick Jones, the one-year-old baby that lives next door to you. Thank you.

It's a weird life you're living. Yeah, I've often thought that. You're a complex figure. Thank you. Yeah. It's not a compliment. Well, I chose to take it as one, so out of your hands. All right.

Thanks, Scotty. Thanks, Scotty. Thanks in a way. Genuinely thanks, Scotty. Nice guy. Yeah. Not to hang shit. It was genuinely very funny.

Right. He was very He was very apologetic In his defence, he knew immediately that he'd fucked it I hope he did How do you tip over a light At someone's show and then not be You'd be surprised

There are some truly unaware individuals Out there in the world Yeah, no, you're right Now I'm just thinking back to my solo shows and there are some people, some people really do think that, you know, the relationship we have with our listeners, some people do think that somewhere in the relationship we have subliminally said to them, if you can come up to us,

fuck it royally for us, it would be really appreciated. Just to be clear, we don't want that to happen. But no, I also saw Scotty I think pretty much every week At our live podcast in Melbourne Had a chat a couple of times Did he fuck anything at the live shows? He did not

Was he responsible for the sound In some of our episodes? No No responsibility for that But yes Very nice man Thanks Scotty Thanks Scotty

Thanks for tipping over a bit of coin Into our pockets Thank you to Patreon subscriber Michael O'Riordan. O'Riordan. Bringing up the Riordan. Yeah. Yeah. Your new catchphrase.

Yes. Yes. See, I worked it back in from that, you know, from that abomination up the very top of this. Yep. Yep. We got there. It's just justified itself. Oh, really?

Oh, he really gave us a bit of coin this week, Michael. Oh, he really... Anyway. That'll do. Yeah, that's something. There's some words. Yep. That's what a podcast is.

Yep. You're speaking to a microphone and they can't all be winners. Yeah. Because if they were, we'd be doing a radio show and we wouldn't be doing this. Yes. Yeah. And that would be a real shame. Yeah.

That would be a spoiler, just not being able to read out people that give us $5 every now and then real shame. Yeah. That would be a spoiler just not being able to read out people that give us $5 every now and then. Yeah. Yeah. Do you think radio shows could go that way? Well, I mean that's just kind of what playing ads in the middle of it is except someone else is reading out the names and the names are like big, you know,

giant companies that are giving you a ton of money to do so. If we ever – look, and I don't think this is going to happen for us, but if we get a radio show, if we got a radio show, I think we should hold on to this segment, but have it like it gets to a certain time in the day and we go, okay, it's time for people to send us $5 and we'll read your name if you give us $5 right now. Right, okay, so we just have an open PayPal account

and we're just watching them pile in. Yeah. That's not bad. Yeah. That's really not bad. Because it's – I quite like as an idea because it's unnecessarily greedy. Yes. Like you've already – you're already presumably getting paid quite well to do radio.

On top of that, there are big companies that are paying big money to get their names read out. And then on top of it, we're going, if you can give us $5. Yeah, yeah. that are paying big money to get their names read out. And then on top of it, we're going, if you can give us five bucks. Yeah, yeah. So we're on like, you know, a couple of hundred thousand a year. And we're still daily shaking people down for like, what, $20 each? Yeah, a bit of coffee money. Yeah, lunch money.

That's what we do it for. It's the lunch money segment. It's the lunch money segment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is great. I can't imagine a radio producer listening to this and not thinking, fuck me dead, we've got to get these boys in. Yeah, exactly.

No one else is doing this. No one else is spruiking for their own lunch every single day on the radio. Yes. Yeah. So we get a breakfast show presumably because otherwise, what are we spruiking for? I like the idea that we're on over lunch so then the next bit of it is there's just dead air while we go out to get the lunch.

So the money comes through. The money clears in the. So then the next bit of it is there's just dead air while we go out to get the lunch. So the money comes through. The money clears in the PayPal. And then the radio listeners are just copping half an hour of silence. Right. While we're down at the cafe getting a baguette. Yeah. Just getting ads. Ads for half an hour.

We're on the phone. So we're just like on our phone across the street. Yeah. Just calling into our own radio show. Fuck. You know what? Now I really want to get a radio show. Yeah, me too.

Before. More trouble than it's worth. Yeah, whatever. You know what? Now I really want to get a radio show. Yeah, me too. Before. More trouble than it's worth. Yeah, whatever. You know, a couple hundred grand a year. So what? But free lunch, that's a fucking. I mean, that's something to write home about. That's the dream.

That's the dream. Thinking of something to write home about. Still no reply. Any update? No, no reply. What's your mum doing? Yeah, probably having dinner. Is she hot on the phone?

Has she got it on her? She usually is pretty good on the phone, yeah. She usually is pretty good on the phone, yeah. She usually is pretty good on the texts. Okay. You know, my mum, if I went through my phone records, I reckon the hit rate, the ratio of her ringing me to me ringing her is one in a hundred. As in she rings me one out of 100 times.

You're always ringing her? I'm always ringing her. Really? She doesn't ring me That's great Texts me That's it Like even if it's major news

I just get a text I'm into that though I hate being on the phone I don't mind it I'm always walking So it gives me something to do Right Yeah

I went and caught up with a very old friend of mine Today Maybe my oldest friend who has recently – Your mum? My mum, yes. Yeah. Yeah, a friend of mine from primary school who had a kid seven months ago, saw the kid for the first time, and I texted –

A lot of kid-related stuff with you today. A seven-month-year-old and a one-year-old. Yes, I went straight from the baptism to this lunch where I met this seven-month-old. Oh, so it was a morning baptism. Yes, yes, yes. We've talked about it enough already. We don't need to go into any more details. Sorry, man.

But, you know, because my parents obviously know this friend of mine very well. I sent a photo of him with his child to my mum and dad. I'm like, oh, I met the kid today. And mum writes back, he looks such a happy and proud father. We are about one hour from home. Yeah. Great, great. The ultimate parental text.

Yep. Who gives a fuck? I've just met my oldest friend in the world. He's brought life into this world and I've met the kid and had this glorious day. Who cares where you are? Yeah. I get texts from mum that she tries to be a bit funny

and I'm like, it's one of those people that you go, mum, don't bother. Especially to me. Shut it down, mum. I'm like, it's one of those people that you go, don't bother. Especially to me. Shut it down, Mum. I'm not a good room for it. Yeah. Don't try and be funny. I'll just send her, something's happened, she'll make a joke.

Nah. Tell me the last joke your mum tried to make to you. It's not like joke, joke. She just tries to be funny. She'll ask me how the cat is and I'll say, that is pretty funny. Crunchy's done this or whatever. And then she'll go, oh, that is pretty funny. Crunchy's done this or whatever. And then she'll go,

oh, that's like, I'll try and make some riff off the back of Crunchy being asleep in the sun or something. Love it. Yeah. Love it. Like, who do you think you're talking to?

Oh, I love this. I don't like it. We got to start cataloging these on the show. Carl's mum's corner. Yeah. Is Carl's mum funny? Yes.

Are you richer than Will Anderson and are you funnier than Carl's mum? Yeah. Yeah. I'll have a quick look. I don't think. Oh, yeah. Right. Here's an example.

I've got an example right now. Here we go. I've got an example right now. I've taken a picture because she loves the cat. She's never come down to meet the cat. So the cat's one at the moment, one year old. Oh, same age as Dilraba Jones. When's your cat's baptism?

Crunchy Chandler, the one-year-old cat that lives with me. Yes. Is that the full name? Yeah. Oh, I thought that was your mum's text. I was like, that's actually pretty good. No, no, no. No.

So she loves the cat, always wants to know about the cat, send pictures of the cat to her. So i've sent a nice picture of the cat to her and the cat's just looking in the into the camera right just a picture close a picture of the cat looking into the camera this is her reply is she watching play school Watching Play School. I love it. That's great. That's great. That is a fucking weird riff. No, I love it.

That's funny. But that implies that she thinks my camera is the TV. Have your parents still got their dog? They do. Did we talk about this when we went to visit your parents and your parents' dog has the same name as my ex? Oh, yeah. I don't think we did.

Which is an unusual name for a dog as well. It's such a weird name for a dog. Yeah. Carl. It's so weird. Pamela. No, we did too. I'm pretty sure we took,

because it was when we went up to try and get Matthew Deliverdover on the show and we stopped in. I swear we would. Anyway. Yeah, yeah. It's a little treat. If we didn't, there you go. All bonus.

And that's why they still have the dog because she was back. Yeah. Cool. Yeah. Weird, weird. Yeah. Very weird name for that dog. Yeah.

We don't let us say it. No. No. Weird name for any dog, but yeah. Yeah, it is. Yeah. Yeah, totally. Especially a fucking huge dog, which is what my parents have

yes but hey you know I'm the weird one for dating someone called Fido for four years yeah well

the girls your ex-girlfriend's parents are the weird one for naming it after a dog so alright let's do one more name okay I'm exhausted

I've got another baptism to get to after this what? yeah it's like nearly half past seven. Yeah. So you had one baptism in the morning. Yes.

And you're doing one at night. Yes. How many babies do you know? Well, this is Dilwick Jones' sister. What? So is Dilwick Jones a twin? No, this is Pamela Jones, the two-year year old baby who lives next door to me There's only one year between them

So that's the thing Can that happen? Yes Okay You fucking idiot Yes That's pretty quick out of the delivery room And straight into rooting land again

It happens Okay, alright So you thought they were crazy for leaving the one year old baptism pretty late But two, it's pretty outrageous. Yeah. And why would you stretch baptisms out over 12 hours apart? Well, I think the real question is why would I agree to recording this right before I had to leave to go to a baptism?

Yeah, look, there's not only two questions to be fair about this. There's plenty of questions. We don't have enough time to get to all the questions. We don't have any time. So I'm winding this up we're going to do one more alright okay

no worries let's crack in one more let's hit the big red button and let us give our first and only shout out

to one more Patreon subscriber for this week let's go with this. Bang. Right. Okay. Interesting.

Right. Okay. Well, the last name's familiar. Let's go with this. Thank you to Patreon subscriber MrComedy. Right. MrComedy. Yep.

That's weird because you said that the last name is familiar, but I think all of it's familiar. You've definitely read out MrComedy on this before. I make a, you know, there's a thorough vetting process. Well, there's not, but you have read out MrComedy before. Well, there's a thorough vetting process and we make sure that no one's ever read out twice. And people complain about it.

You know, sometimes people will come up twice or three times. I think someone messaged to say they'd been read out five times really like that yeah yeah fuck someone put a comment on something the other day that was like an an astounding number of times like depressingly so well that person's got no excuse for for not subscribing like they've got their fucking money yeah that, that's for sure. It's also like you are so unmemorable that we're saying your name pretty much every week at this point. And is it... They must have a fertile name that we're like still riffing off their name

five times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's Aaron Cunt. It's the unplanned title alternator. You know, it's not on us. But yeah, Mr Comedy, I swear to God this has come up before. No, we've got all the bugs out of the system. So it's literally foolproof now.

So I would doubt that what you're saying is correct. Well, everything I've said so far on this has been factually true and correct. So it would be weird of me to start now just by making something up for the sake of comedy. Mr Comedy. weird of me to start now just by making something up for the sake of comedy look so comedy look now unlike that that name before that that has been read out five times obviously an unmemorable name mr comedy pretty memorable name i think i'd remember if i'd read that name out before you'd think that wouldn't you because mr comedy is i mean a it's a funny name yep b comedy for a surname

so it's this fucking bizarre but But is the first, is that, that first name, is that a title? Or is that, is the name actually Mr.? Well, that's a good question. Thank you. Yeah. I don't have an answer for it.

So this is really it. You have nowhere else to go with this. What do you mean? Well, you just read out Mr. Comedy again. I'm telling you. I disagree. I thought what would happen is I would tell you,

hey, you've already done this one and then you would go oh no it's actually there's a this is a different mr comedy no this is it you're just saying you're just going no i haven't well because this is the truth i've i've gone through this thing with a fine tooth comb so you see we've never read this thing out so this isn't going anywhere else this is it no no let's get this thing out. So this isn't going anywhere else. This is it. No, no, no. Let's get this right. Look, this isn't some sort of fucking Ulysses journey or some Homer's Odyssey. We're trying to get things

right here. One of us is trying. We're trying to get this right. Someone's paid good money to be read out on this show. And I believe this is the first time. They get their names read out once and once only. So this is their big shot. So answer my question.

This is it. This is all there is. Yes, truth and accountability is all I have here. I'm trying to run a tight shop here. And I don't know why you need this person's name scrubbed for the record. I'm not asking for a tight shop here and I don't know why you need this person's name scrubbed for the record. I'm not asking for it to be scrubbed. Mr. Comedy's paid $69 a month and you don't want him bred out.

I know. I know he pays $69 a month. We've done him already. This, look, all I can tell you is we've had bugs in the system. I've made sure it won't happen again. So this person is getting their fucking moment in the sun. We don't need you shitting on them. Shitting on them?

You are shitting on them. I'm merely inquiring as to whether, hypothetically, if the unplanned title alternator has an ace up its sleeve and if there's an extra element to this or something that makes it a bit different because otherwise I'm ready to dismount. Like I said, I've got a baptism to go to. I'm just trying to do my due diligence here. All right.

Well, thanks, Mr. Oh, man. Alright well thanks Oh man Michael Arid What a funny name Anyway I just got it I just got it Alright well thanks Thanks everyone

Thanks everyone And sorry Thank you everyone For the first time For subscribing Appreciate it. Don't worry. Your name won't be read out again.

You won't be hassled again because of the systems we have in place here. Oh, God. I think I'm getting a bit of a glimpse into the future of what's going to happen for the next few weeks now. I think I've just read ahead. I see what's happening here. Phew. Oh. Oh see what's happening here. Phew. Oh.

Oh, God. All right. And please, complaints to littledumbdumbclub at gmail.com. Thanks, everyone. Thanks for listening. Thanks for supporting the show on Patreon. We really, really, really appreciate it. See you out there at one of these big upcoming live shows

if you're lucky enough to get a ticket LittleDumbDumbClub.com for merch New t-shirt that we've got up there Stickers, a whole bunch of stuff Information on Koh Samui Links to the Patreon Next week we are back with more of our live episodes from Melbourne But until then, we'll see you next time

See you mates This podcast is part of the planet broadcasting network visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates it's not optional you have to do it we used to go easy on it but now you have to yeah yeah