The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 398 - Live! Ari Shaffir, Nick Cody, Nick Capper & Ben Russell

Episode Date: May 23, 2018

It's the final week of our April live show residency in Melbourne! ARI SHAFFIR has left a heap of weed on his coffee table, NICK CODY is expecting a baby, and NICK CAPPER makes people spew and burns half his face. PLUS a new instalment of 'My Friends Dad Wrote A Porno' featuring a guest appearance from the mysterious author himself! Don't forget, we have a bunch of huge live shows coming up:KOH SAMUI: The Koh Samui International Podcast Festival is happening again in 2018 with guests The Dollop! JUNE 13 - 18. For tickets, merchandise, links to our Patreon and heaps of other stuff, head to our website: littledumdumclub.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dum Dum Club, a brand new episode recorded live in Melbourne with great guests Ari Shafir, Nick Cody and Nick Capper. We have a couple of things to announce before we quickly get into this episode. Our live 400th show is coming up in Sydney June the 2nd, but Carl, I've got some bad news for you because I don't think you've bought a ticket yet, have you? Well, I was waiting until the last second. There's always tickets available, isn't there? Not to this one, my friend. Sold out. Sucked in.

So unless you can work out some kind of arrangement where you get to sit on the stage and watch the show from up there, you are plum out of luck. Is there a thing? For you, no. Oh, okay. Yes, so that is happening June the 2nd in Sydney. Very excited to do that. Let's kick on for a few drinks afterwards. Yep.

Yep, it's going to be great. We also, following that, are heading off to the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival, June 13 to 18. We are going to be back after this episode in a new edition of Talking Dum Dum, which we do at the end of the show, with some big announcements about Koh Samui. Big, turbulent week here in Dum Dum HQ. So plenty of news, some shocks, and a big announcement.

And you know what? The full, I think we're going to read out the full details of all the guests that are coming. Yep, yep. World first. No other podcast has these details, I believe. And exclusive. We've done it like a lot of music festivals tend to do it,

where we've announced the date and the venue, and then we've made people wait for ages to get the line up. You know what? The actual Little Dum Dum Club episode can't even get this exclusive. It's Talking Dum Dum that's got it. Yes. A brutal loss for us, but on the flip side, a great coup for us. So stick around for Talking Dum Dum at the end of this episode.

Meanwhile, enjoy this great one with Ari Shafir, Nick Cody and Nick Capper. Hey, mate. Welcome once again into the little Dum Dum Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. And standing next to me, the other half of the show, Carl, king of the shit list, Chandler. G'day, Nickheads.

Tommy. Yes. So we tempt fate. We've been left presents on the chairs. Wow. I know, yeah, they're quite elaborate. They're, for the listener at home, they're two wrapped in butcher's paper. I think it might be fish and chips.

It's either ham or anthrax. That's literally the only two things they could possibly be. There's two, so maybe it's one of each. Yeah, all right. So should I, because I know you're always wary of opening listener-generated content because some of our listeners just aren't funny. Yeah. I've got to say, it's a pretty low strike rate for them being any good to have read out on stage.

All right. Well, we've got one each. Okay. All right. Tommy, have you seen my sunnies, 52 Days? I've got Imagine, 52 Days. Wow, we're off to a good start already with them. It's too in-joke even for this show.

So it's 52 Days, I presume, is how far away the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival is. Oh, okay. So mine's a stubby holder. It says, 2018, back for more dumb country. 2017, Koh Samui Gold Class member OG attendee. Ah, this is from someone who went last year and there's the wristband for the original gangsters of last year. Yeah, okay. Well, that's pissed off everyone else in the wristband for the original gangsters of last year. OK.

Well, that's pissed off everyone else in the room, so that's good. Shouldn't have opened them, I reckon. Shouldn't have opened them. We can edit that out, even of the live show. You've got a table number there. Is there any particular reason for that? Yes. Now, if people were here last week or listened last week,

we found out that they've just added chocolate mousse to the menu here at the European Beer Cafe, which I was very excited about. I then placed an order and then got told absolutely not. So there was no mousse in the house. Now, there has been an order placed by a listener for me today. Now, guys at the bar, is there any chocolate mousse in the house? Yes. We've gotten the thumbs up.

Can you please crowd surf the chocolate mousse over? Crazy, because you've got table number 220, which suggests to me 219 meals already this afternoon. 219 chocolate mousses. No wonder they ran out last week. All right, here we go. It is gradually making its way through the crowd. All being touched by our listeners.

Nice idea. It's very slowly making its way. What the fuck? Can you actually, can you roofie chocolate mousse? Here we go. Wow. Gee. Look at that.

Awesome. Chopped up strawberry on top. And beautiful service. No spoon, so. Growl it out. Growl it out. Growl it out. Can I use a pot of beer to eat it with?

I literally have nothing Scoop it up with the stubby holder Oh, I'll try my old trick I'll eat it with keys Oh no, we've got it We've got it now Okay, alright Oh right, thank you

Nice one Oh lovely Oh, two spoons Soft fucking lady in the tramp up here, by the way. Dessert for two. Let's go. Yeah, the old saying, 220 dessert for two. Here we go.

No, I don't want you eating my mousse. Come on, let's go. Fuck. Come on. This is yuck. This is content. Content. Mmm.

It's okay. It's pretty good. It's pretty good. Who wants this? Who wants to lick the spoon? Oh. There's actual sugar in that. Like, that's... That's grainy. wants to lick the spoon. Oh! There's actual sugar in that. That's grainy.

No one's stirred that mousse. Look, guys. I've got a reputation to uphold. Can you fucking next week turn this six and a half out of ten into a fucking eight? He just gave us the finger. That's a sign of yes, apparently.

Well, the bartender listens to the show. That's cool. He's just met us before. I went to a show the other night with my parents. What a cool guy. A comedy show? A comedy show. They have the same taste as you?

What? In comedy. They like the same things that you like? In comedy, they like the same things that you like Yeah Okay What are you getting at? No, I'm just saying like you're a generation apart I would have thought you would have been into different things, that's all

No, no, we have the exact same tastes Okay Why am I holding the mic like this? You seem like you're stressed The first time I heard this story goes well I think you felt like I was having some sort of attack at your parents. I'm not. It's fine.

Yeah, just everything that comes out of your mouth, I'm like, here we go. Yes, we were walking into a show and in front of us was a comedian who I won't name, but it was Alex Edelman. And he... Hey, you just said you wouldn't name him. Yeah. I didn't. Right.

I just said two random words. Okay. I got a feed from the unplanned title alternator. I was just trying to get a Patreon name into the actual show. I don't think I'm into the same comedy your parents are into, actually. But he was in front of us, and as he is wont to do, he was talking at a million miles an hour. And this is as we were walking into the show,

so I kind of was like, oh, these are my parents, by the way. And he goes to my mum, oh, you must be so proud of your son. He's done all this great stuff and, you know, he's won awards at the festival. And mum just immediately goes, well, he was nominated. He didn't win, so... It's just nice that she keeps abreast of my CV. Like, can't get anything past her.

She knows, little bad, she's across it. How is Alex Edelman a better mum than your mum? Yeah. That's why I asked him for 20 bucks afterwards. Yeah. Right. I've got a thing. Now, this is always dangerous, but who's seen my solo show?

That's a lot of noise for the people that have been in, to be honest. We'll edit the crickets out on the actual end. We'll put some actual applause in. Thank you. Thank you, all five of you. Thank you. I do have a bit in the show where I say at the start, because it's my shit list, and it's like a top 40 that I break down,

and at the start I say, what's on your shit list? If you can guess something that's on my shit list, the first one that comes up, you get five bucks. Cafes that have a certain item on the menu. No. They're on the menu. No. They're on the cool list. So that's your late night show where normally people do rude, nasty stuff late at night in the festival.

You're doing your shit list at 8pm and then you're doing your cool list at 2 in the morning when you're just talking about things you like. Yeah, when you really want to be positive and off your head. Yeah, yeah. So I offer five bucks if someone can pick it. Last night, it got to the end and no one had picked it. And I was like, cool, five bucks for me. And then someone gave me a text.

I don't know if they're here, but they texted me straight after going, well, technically, I did pick it. So I sort of, I deserve that $5. I'm like, cool, cool man you can have it and they're like well i'm at the train station now so it's so it's a bit hard and i'm like well i don't know man i mean you can have it if you want to come and get it and he's not on the train yet because he didn't have the money to top up his mikey i really need to get out of here man you gotta come help me yeah and he's like's like, I live a fair way away.

I'm like, cool, I won't be sending it to you or whatever. It's like, okay, well, look. I'll have a think. If I come into your comedy show on Thursday, we'll organise it so I can get $5 off there. Fucking hell, you're a tight ass. Why have we had six back and fours over $5? I think that cost me $5 to send that amount of text messages.

I love, we'll organise it. Like, we'll enter into some negotiations. Into Chandler Inc. Yes. We'll both pull our weight and we'll make this happen. Are you here, the guy that wanted the $5? Of course, it cost $20 to get in here, so... That is amazing, though. Someone who has your number who's gone to the solo show and not

the podcast. Yeah, fuck, very nice. This week we did a bit of podcasting at my house and I've got a cat called Crunchy and she is... Someone wolf whistle the cat. They cat whistle the cat, I think. But the thing is, so it's not super affectionate, because it's like a

British shorthair. Cat, yeah. Cat, yeah. They suck. They're not affectionate. They're not known for affection. No, but they are. Like a British, has anyone got a British shorthair? I think that's what they're called. And they're not super affectionate. This is a new low point. Give us a round of applause if you've got this specific breed of cat.

So. This is a new low point. Give us a round of applause if you've got this specific breed of cat. So, but she likes you, which is fucking weird because you hate cats. I hate her, yeah. I don't want that fucking thing anywhere near me. Yeah. Yeah, it must be the first time a female's liked you and you not liked them back. But anyway. Wow, dude, that happened eight weeks ago. Well done on that writing process that burn

you took your time and it really paid off so she really likes you and you're allergic you fucking hate it and so she's just hanging around

you get more affection from my cat than I do yes because I'm playing hard to get right I'm a bit desperate yeah fair enough

right so I found it funny and she's just hanging around you obsessed with you as soon as you leave I send a message to my wife and the message goes, oh, it's so funny, you'd really think this is cool.

That crunchy, crunchy is so funny. She doesn't like us very much but she loves Tommy. But Tommy's allergic and so she hates, Tommy hates crunchy. That's pretty funny, don't you think? And the message back from my wife is just, sperm is allergic. Nice to see that the spark's still there for you guys. This deep into the marriage. It's been like six months now.

Yeah. I didn't think it'd last that long. Yeah. Dude, no one did. How are you feeling about it? Are you getting itchy feet? Um... Are you going to retroactively do a runner at the altar?

Yeah. No, I'm okay. Yeah. Really thinking about it. Yeah. No, it's good, man. I appreciate that you didn't just give a stock standard answer. You're really considering it.

Yeah, I'm still thinking. Yeah. Yeah, it's all right. I mean... that you didn't just give a stock standard answer. You're really considering it. Yeah, I'm still thinking. Yeah. Yeah, it's all right. I mean... Who's your hall pass, by the way? I'm not wearing my wedding ring or anything, which... Whoa. Hall pass.

Good question. How many can you have? 100. Count them down. Carl Chandler's root list. If you can guess them you get $69 can I

can I have 100 in this room can I pick the ones in Pamela Anderson's not in this room why would you fucking bother yeah alright fair enough so how many do you reckon I can have five

five oh yeah very unconventional very unconventional How many do you reckon I can have? Five. Five. Oh. Yeah. Very unconventional. Very unconventional. I've never heard of anyone having five on a hall pass, but let's do it. Let's count them down.

Someone called it out. We've got to do it. Let's count them down. Mrs Comedy, Little Miss Comedy. Oh, wow. Auntie Comedy. Wow. Grandma Comedy.

And. Mr Comedy And Mr Comedy Mr Comedy sure Gotta be progressive dude It's 2018 You gotta have a bloke in there Sure sure Why do we have a pleb beside for If I can't fuck Mr Comedy

Alright Speaking of fucking comedy Should we get our first guest out here Yes Folks please welcome back Into the little dum dum club You know him You love him

You've smelt him. It's Nick Capa. Yeah. Yeah. The benefits of the live ones is they get to see me. We were talking just before the show started, before any of the audience came in, we were talking to you about what we were going to talk about on the show. We're here with like, you know, 150 seats, and you go,

okay, just so I know before we start, is this going to be a live episode? No, we set 150 seats up just to fucking look at, like it's our fucking solo show, so... What's wrong with you? It takes a lot to get me in. I don't know, I just thought, you know, that it might be one of the ones where you don't record anything. Otherwise, like, I've got fucking...

What do you mean, one of those ones where we don't record anything? That's a conversation, that's not a podcast. That's just friendship. Yeah. Like, when I saw you last record anything? That's a conversation, that's not a podcast. That's just friendship. Yeah. Like, when I saw you last night and we were at the bar, that wasn't a podcast. Wow, there's no recorder on. This guy must really like my company.

If I say it's going to be recorded, I say something fucked, but if it's not recorded, then it's going to be double fucked. Right. So all these ones that you've been on so far have been recorded. Did you know that at the time? No. So that's double fucked Kappa. But now we're only getting single fucked Kappa

because you're aware you're being recorded. No. Do you know that this is a live podcast now? Do you think we've just interrupted someone's meeting or something by sitting in front of all these people? Yeah, I think so. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know.

It looks like a kind of a... Next subject. This impro is why we've got him on first. It's rare in improv that you see someone plead the fifth. Give me a word and a city and a colour, man, I'll riff. Fuck. Tractor, Melbourne, pink. Once I fucked...

You improv like this place makes moose. I think you're going to say it'll take a week to deliver. Come back here on the 29th and we'll get a sweet rip out of all those. This is how good you are at improv-ing. There's not yes and, you can't even get a no out. Yeah, you know. Well, I'm not awarded, but nominated. My man.

That's a callback. Gets it. For anyone who doesn't know, that's a callback. Cappy, you've been having a really good festival. You sold out your initial run of shows and then you did... You're right to not applaud. And then it's a miscarriage of justice what happened at the comedy festival this year. To be fair, it is easy to sell out when you have four chairs in your room.

So, you know. Five, Carl. All right. All right. I don't know. Not really an arena. More the change room of an arena. No, it's been really good, a good festival.

Yeah, the only reason I'm doing you is because Maren took a long time getting back to me. I'm above the dum-dum thing, you know what I mean? I've got Rogan on the line, he's always calling me, I'm like, yo, what's up Rogues? And I'm like, nah, man, I've got to do a pub full of depressed people. what's up, rogues? And I'm like, nah, man, I've got to do a pub full of depressed people. To be fair, that's when you thought it wasn't being recorded,

so that's just you're in a sad pub. Yeah, it's like, tractor fuck. And he's like, nah, forget about it. I came in to look at your show last night, and it was sort of nice to see, you know, it was fucking bizarre. Real comedy? It was bizarrest. It was bizarrest. The way it's meant to be done. It was bizarre to see people turn up to see you, to be honest.

There's a lot of people there. Yeah, yeah. And it made me feel good about our fans, because sometimes we go, fuck, we've got some dodgy fuckers in here. Then I saw your ones, I'm like, we're fine. Yeah, yeah. times we go fuck we've got some dodgy fuckers in here then i saw your ones i'm like we're fine yeah yeah there's some real rogues in there and i could see why i mean you're open by fucking riding a skateboard for some reason but yeah well you know you got to open with a banger if you don't have any jokes people can say oh well uh you know at the water cooler or something on a monday

how was nick how he was all right but he rode know, at the water cooler or something on a Monday, how was Nick? Oh, he was all right, but he rode a skateboard at the start. They're like, oh, that sounds pretty good. Yeah. No one else has done that. Yeah. So, yeah, it was good. There's a reason why, though, to be fair.

Good that you got to come and see the sensei. Yeah. Look, I only watched a bit. I saw the start of your show, and you're a little bit wobbly because I think you were just a bit intimidated by, you know, more than four seats in the place. But you... This is correct.

Yeah. So it was fine. I was like, I was enjoying it. You got a bit of video and whatever and I saw you afterwards and you go, oh, look,

I started a bit wobbly. I started a bit weak. But then it got really good after that and it got really good and I was like, oh, great. Okay, I missed that bit but whatever.

The show got really... The show got really great but then no need to have that detail in the story but then the bit where jealousy took over

for you yeah so that bit was wobbly then it got really great and then I found out afterwards that after I left a woman up the back

of the room had a big spew in your show that was the bit when it got good A woman up the back of the room had a big spew in your show. That was the bit when it got good. How bad is your show? Yeah, well, apparently, yeah, I was just talking to a colleague at the back. She was there and she was up the back, said that in my show,

because I couldn't see anything. Because there was a lot of people there, right? I couldn't see, okay? There were so many people, I could not see up the back. Crazy. You guys, you'll know sooner or later. If only we could get people to our gigs. Yeah, but I couldn't see anything up the back,

and I just heard some talking, and I heard a bit of commotion, and then I said, look... By the way, this isn't the sound of commotion. Oh, I disagree. I hear it a lot in my show, so I don't take any notice of it anymore. I would have thought in your private life as well, but yeah. Oh, no, that's more just dry retch. You can tell the difference. You need to be doing comedy to get the fluids going.

It's hard to tell between that and an orgasm now. It's really weird. Don't awe me, you sick fucks. Who awes at a dum-dum podcast? No, I'm into it, dude. You've got my support. I loved that one. Yeah, yeah, Anyway, sorry.

What is it? You spew six times, that equals an orgasm? I don't know. It didn't happen for me, but I'll try it again. Yeah, but the this lady spewed. Apparently she didn't even declare it or anything. Apparently. She didn't even declare it or anything. Apparently.

Oh, what, she didn't even find customs within your comedy vessel show? Yeah, she didn't even try to get out or anything. Apparently she just goes... And just spews. And I didn't know this, I couldn't see it. So she spewed. And then apparently, like, moments later, another girl spews next to her.

I heard the detail that she spewed on top of her spew. This is like Stand By Me. This is awesome. What's as revolting as a fat man eating heaps of pie? The comedy of Nick Capa. Oh, just as sweet, though. That's an analogy Is it?

Yeah, I don't know Also what I enjoyed very quickly We'll get back to the spew But I watched the start of it And you got your big graphics Because you call it What's it called? Quantum bad boy

To make yourself look smart I know you don't know this But you misspelt quantum It's not QA I know you don't know this, but you misspelt quantum. It's not Q-A. Nothing is Q-A. Carl, that was for comedy effect. So your show is actually called Quantum Bad Boy.

Quantum Bad at Spelling Boy. It is good you two found that easter egg within my show do we get a special price do we get five dollars no no no I don't have that much still in an overdraft so sorry back to the spewing

yeah so apparently after they both spewed someone called over a person to mop it up, like a bar person, and then one lady... Oh, and he's here. He's here. The same guy that handed me the mousse. No wonder it tasted shit. Yeah, no wonder there was sugar in it.

Yeah. I had spew hands all over that mousse. Someone ate gummy bears last night. He's actually a really great bloke and his name's Tommy. Who would have thought? Sorry, mate. That was a deep burn. I'm really hurt by that.

No, no, no. I'm really hurt by that. You fuckhead. That was an analogy. You get five for that one, Cullen. I shouldn't because it's not true. But go on. Yeah, but...

So, he went over to clean up and apparently the first girl spewed just put a dress over her head to cover her face and just left.

And then... What? Yes. Hang on. So, a lady vomited then put a dress over her head, left the spew there

and then walked out. Just hit her face and then just walked out and just left. And then... Did you invite the paparazzi down to your show? Man, I don't know, but who cares?

Sorry, couldn't come up with a good comeback for that one. I don't know, but who cares? That's actually pretty good. For you. If New Idea would have me on the front cover, that'd be to turn people away from the news agency. To be fair, a lot of people hide their face when they're coming out of a Nick Capa show, though, so...

Only because they've got husbands. There we go, he's back. I was like, is that going to fly or not? And it flew. Just like spew out of a lady's mouth. I feel like the Wright Brothers, except... No, I think you're more like the Hindenburg, but anyway. Oh, the humanity.

The humanity. This balloon went down ages ago. Yeah, but apparently Tommy came and he went to mop up the spew and he just had a bucket there and he's like, I think you should leave as well as you are sitting in spew. And she's like, no. And he had a bucket there and she just kept spewing in the bucket. And he's like, you've got to go. And she's like, no. And he had a bucket there and she just kept spewing in the bucket and he's like, you've got to go.

And she's like, no. I'm here to see the king. She wants to be your queen. Q-E-E-N. It's actually Q-E-E. That actually makes a lot of sense. I was talking to someone today and they said, oh, man, we went to the Capra show.

It was fucking disgusting. I was like, the spew night? They go, no. Had to have a big shower afterwards. Well, she stayed, so it wasn't content-based. It was obviously something she ate or drank before the show. Right. She wanted to stick around, you know, to see the spectacle.

Yeah, but, yeah, she wouldn't leave then. And she just watched the show just with spew around her. And everybody slowly moved away from her. Yeah. And so I didn't know this was going on. And so, yeah, Kylie, she said to me, man, you powered through that really well. It's like you didn't even know that it was going on.

I said, yeah, I didn't, because it was a 5.45pm show. What kind of fucking moron is getting drunk? And at the European Beer Cafe, like this is a relatively well established place like who drinks 80 18 dollar pints

and just goes oh yeah time for a 4 5.45 this riff is good have a wristband man

you're an original gangster from the Coastal Millie Podcast Festival oh what's this it's a wristband oh I like a wristband oh cool let You're an original gangster from the Coastal Million Podcast Festival. Oh, what's this? It's a wristband. Oh, I like a wristband.

Oh, cool. Let's get our next guest out here. Yes, please. Folks, please welcome back into the Little Dumb Dumb Club, Nick Cody. Hello. Shorts on stage. Fuck yeah. Where are they meant to be worn?

Can we get the bar staff to bring up the other half of his pants? Can you... To be fair, I am the unprofessional one here. I would have worn jeans if I wasn't told at 2.58, Oi, cunt, can you be on the show now? My bad. We are genuinely one of the few comedy-related things where we have a crowd and don't have any accent until the last minute, so...

I'm honoured to be booked before Cody. Man, I know what's happened. It's fucking Carl's phone. It goes, Nick Capper, Nick Cody. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Don't spoil the surprise of Nick Gianopolis coming up in a minute. And we do have Nick Carr doing the door tonight, so that's good. Just delete A and B and then D through Z.

You only need the Cs, man. Guys, come back in 2019 when we've got the Ps. It's going to be fucking great. Fuck who brings the most people, I'm going alphabetically. Cody, congratulations. Thanks, mate. You managed to get a ticket to Nick Capper's sold-out show last night.

Yeah, I know. So lucky. Blessed. Now I can die. I've got nothing to live for after seeing the man in the flesh. No, your wife is expecting, so congratulations.

Thank you. She's, I guess... I guess she's... You don't know Carl. She's, I guess, I guess she's, I guess... You don't know Carl, he's not finished. See you later, everyone. Hold your applause and get your booze ready. Please. Please, if I may.

If I may say something at this juncture. I guess your wife is having morning sickness, so she's acting like she's at a Nick Capa show. Yeah! Just shooting everyone up here. She's already been. That's how she got pregnant. So when that baby comes out in nine months and it goes,

Wah! Wah! Capa, you son of a bitch! How could you? I'm hungry! I want to use my little skateboard. I want to do an ollie.

You know it'll be able to spell right. You know? Yeah. Sorry, man. That was wrong. What do you mean? That's the first wrong thing I've said in this podcast It probably is, it could be your baby because I've seen the ultrasound and it's the baby and no one else around it I'm used to 200, 250

Just the baby in an empty womb. I'm like, it can't be mine. Can an X-ray stink? Hey, next guest. Yeah, let's get a next guest on. Come on. Yeah, all right. Folks, please welcome back into the Little Dunlop Club,

Ari Shafir. Yay. Yes, thank you guys. Thank you very much. How are you? Good, thank you. Any children that you know of? No, I pull out pretty regularly.

Show off. It's what I'm known for. It's going to go on my gravestone. But no one will visit it. Yeah. Hey, question. Question. But no one will visit it.

Yeah. Hey, question. I don't think this audience knows Ari well enough to be down with him just getting sledged like that within ten seconds. I love her. Ari let me stay at his house for six weeks a couple of years ago. Looch and I stayed at his place. He wasn't there. He goes, just have the key stay.

We walked in. It's the most amount of marijuana I've ever seen. And the place reeked of weed and we refused to touch it after three days we walked back in and lute said i can't smell weed anymore and i'm like neither can i but it's still fucking here like we've just gotten used to it yeah there was so much i mean i smoked it all if it helped yes good to know makes you feel better yeah it's it's all gone now. How much is that much? Like, how much is... It was just a whole... Like, I thought I was in, like,

a sting operation. There was that much. Oh, he's got me. What have I done? It's not that. It's just in America, we just have weed. Yeah.

Yeah, it's not such a natural resource here. It just flows sort of where I am, so it's fine. Is weed the only one you do, Ari, or you're into everything? No, I've got a drug box. It's all in there.

It's all in there? Yeah. It's the only box I lock when I rent out my place. You can fucking wank on my pillow. It's fine. You're not touching my acid. That's a great host, though. You're having people stay at your house and just leaving all your weed just out there on the coffee table. You're really flexing the honour system there.

Yeah. Who would have thought, out of all our guests, we would have been talking about weed to this one? Oh, yeah. No, I never smoked weed, which is kind of, I don't know, an insult to my mental... Really? Yeah, yeah.

You've never smoked weed? No, I never... Did your mum, while she was pregnant... Did your mum while she was pregnant? Looch, no bongs. No bongs, Looch. Kappa, just say you did. It'd be a good excuse.

I don't know. I think it was self-induced. My parents are actually quite normal. Really? Yeah, yeah. Because they're farmers, aren't they? Yeah, yeah. I mean, that doesn't make you normal. Really? Yeah. Because they're farmers, aren't they? Yeah. That doesn't make you normal. It's like

you used to be a graphic designer. That doesn't make graphic designers normal. You had a go. Yeah. At least you're trying. It's good. No, they're quite normal. I never smoked weed.

I smoked weed when I went to Thailand and I was a reggae boat tour guide. Oh, yeah. Yeah, right. So. All right. How do you get there in that job without smoking weed before, man? Like a reggae boat tour guide. Yeah, what sort of CV do you have to show to get that gig?

What you've got to do is lose your wallet in Thailand and then say to your parents, listen up, can you send me 500 bucks? I've lost my wallet. And they say, because I said I've got $500 in my bank account and I can transfer you that. And they say, listen, Nick, we got your bank statement two days ago and you're on an overdraft of $60.

So we are not going to send you any more money. Because we see and I'm like, fuck, that plan's fucked. How else can I make money in Thailand? So what I did was I went to a bar and I said, hey, are there any jobs going? And then this bloke named Ratty.

Of course. Who became my boss. Ratty the boss. Ratty the boss Ratty the boss Yeah I never knew His second name It was weird Tooey Yeah

It's the worst thing I'll ever say in my life I'm actually proud Of the people that didn't laugh Yeah Not only that You said it while you were wearing shorts So your job was to give tours of a reggae boat?

Yeah, it was like nothing reggae about it It was just painted red, green and whatever the other reggae colours are There was nothing reggae about it apart from it had reggae colours So it was reggae I think it's red, green and yellow. You worked on this thing. You can't remember what colour it was? I don't know.

It was work. I didn't pay any attention. You for sure just smuggled drugs for someone. Oh, man. It was a crazy thing because I used to flyer to try and get people onto the boats in the morning. And the bloke was just happy that I rocked up. He's like, you're the best employee I've ever had. So we're going back to Koh Samui this year,

and we're doing the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival roadshow gig in Copenhagen. Yeah. And you are coming. Yeah. Great. So you, is there any, there's one clap. Wow.

The person who clapped isn't going. The saddest person on the planet. It's Kappa's housemate. I don't think that was hands banging together. That was spew hitting the floor. No, no, I know what it sounds like. It was clapping. So we're going back to your old workplace.

Yeah. Yeah, Copenhagen. Copenhagen, yeah. I could try and track down Raddy, he wanted to promote me. How long ago was it? Oh man, yeah, 12 years ago. Yeah, Raddy's dead. You could have said three weeks, I'd still be pretty confident in saying Raddy's gone.

I'm pretty sure Brady the guy who runs A reggae boat company Has put a bit away In superannuation He'd be He'd be doing fine I think He'd be living large

Yeah it was a good Good job though You would I'd get people on the boat Then I'd take I'd hand out joints And everyone would smoke a joint Then I'd go snorkelling

Perfect Tough stuff Nudge Perfect When you're just starting To feel a bit of paranoia, just fucking cover your face and fucking put your head in the ocean. Just help you relax. Are there sharks in here?

Let me in. I'm fucking high, man. I remember once there was this, because I, you know, coming from Australia, we can all swim, right? We're all taught to swim. And once this Irish girl said, I can't swim. And I said, what do you mean you can't swim? Like, I looked all taught to swim. And once this Irish girl said, I can't swim. And I said,

what do you mean you can't swim? Like, I looked at her like she was a total poor girl. I was like, put on... So I put some floaties on her and I just threw her in the water. I thought it was a big... And she was like... Ratty's best employee. Get in there!

Get in there! Spew through this funnel. You should have started a side business doing a swim school. That would have been sick. You got the magic touch. Actually, to be honest, now that I think about it, that was my first foray into comedy. Because I used to...

Yeah, the start of a great career. And after seeing your show yesterday, you're only 4A to a comedy, so... Boom. At least the vomiting was due to seasickness. Always an excuse. But he used to say, Ratty used to say, when he was training me,

I'm using parentheses for anyone listening. Ratty. He, um... I didn't even use them now. I've got a beer in my hand. Man, you don't need to use any visuals. This isn't a live podcast. They can't see you.

Yeah, this is unrecorded. Oh, cool. All right, let's get on to the real stuff. Yeah, but he used to say, he said, Nick, you say this before each tour. He'd say, we get on the boat and he goes, I'd go, oh, hey, guys, welcome to Reggae Boat Tour. This is what we're going to be doing today and he would go, yeah, and for the girls out there

you better be not on your period because the sharks can smell the blood Buffalo Soldier and this is before I'd started doing comedy and I just had to break it to him one day. I'm like, bro, don't open with that. It's a bad opener. Yeah, I'm off this ratty guy, I reckon.

I was a fan of it. Yeah, when you got edited by me, you're like, oh, this is really fun. Got to pull the reins back in. Yeah, yeah, I used to smoke weed, go snorkelling, then get back on the boat, smoke weed under a waterfall, have some lunch and then give out buckets of alcohol on the beach and then make friends with everybody. He wasn't the

skipper of the boat? Well, he left me in charge after a while. He was just like, you can run this by yourself. And I was like, yeah, cool. So you're steering the ship? Yeah, yeah. Bullshit! This sounds like you were there for like four years. How did this not end up as a fucked up

Gilligan's Island episode? Yeah, it was, I nearly got this American bloke's head with a propeller once, I lifted it up. What would have

happened if that happened? Would you have gotten reprimanded or fired? I don't know, I probably, yeah, I probably just had

a little bit of a talking to. Mate, you've decapitated one of the guests, but Kappa, you are the boss now. It's up to you if you want to fire yourself or not, mate. Ratty's too icy. Yeah, but he just thought, he's like, man,

he'd never seen anyone like it. He's like, you just rock up every day. This is incredible. I was like, man, he'd never seen anyone like it. He's like, you just rock up every day. This is incredible. I was like, yep, I rocked up. One time I... I would love to hear the stories of these other employees. When they're making you look good, fucking hell. These other employees, how many girls do they make spew?

They must be fucking terrible. Oh, man, I don't know, but one time... They pushed the Irish girl into the water But forgot to put the floaties on Yeah Yeah One night I was out with the guests And well I don't know what you'd call them Stoners I guess

And There was this flaming hula hoop And And I said I'll dive through the flaming hula hoop Right But I forgot to put my hands in front of me. Hang on, so is this on the beach or on the boat? What are you jumping into, the water or what are you doing?

No, just, yeah, to think of it, there was no water at the other side. So you're jumping through a flaming hoop, just your fucking haystack hair first. Just that dry mop. Let's put that near some fire. I've got to say, it wasn't the best decision I've ever made. You put your hands to your side like a carp? Yeah, it must have been a big one. I can't remember.

It was a while ago and I was quite inebriated. For sure. It took me about four goes to jump through it. Jesus Christ. So this is on the boat as the boat's moving or is this on land? No, this is on the beach afterwards. So I'm partying with the guests. I'm like, oh, flaming hula hoop.

What can go wrong? And I went to dive through it and I had about four goes and sometimes I got hung up on it. It just got stuck in my head. Anyway, I kept drinking once I made it through and I didn't put my hands in front of me so my head just hit the sand. First.

It's like you were getting shot out of a cannon. This is the 28th dumbest thing you've ever told me. Best employee ever. Can't wait to find out what he's doing now. And then I went straight to... I must have slept for about an hour. And then I just rocked up to my flyering job. That's not sleeping.

That's being unconscious, hitting your head on the ground. You've got third-degree burns, mate. Sleep it off. Just need a nap. Nine eyes. What, that doesn't work? That's not flames on your back, you're just tired. And I completely forgot that I'd done this.

I had a great night afterwards. How do you forget? What? She was like, hey, anything weird happen today? No. No. That's a breakfast. And then, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

There was that flaming hoop. Oh, man, it was that flaming hoop. Oh man, it was a great time. To see stuff on fire was a regular occurrence. And I just went to the job and started handing out flyers for people on the tour. Just hand them out and

no one was taking any that day. Like no one. And I was like, what's the go? I've lost my mojo. i thought oh no i've lost my salesman pitch how will i get people on this reggae i've got a feeling you lost your eyebrows yeah this this british bloke who was a a good mate of mine walked out he goes hey mate you know you've got great British accent he said to me hey governor there we go

much better hello can't believe Mary Poppins went on your fucking cruise that's great and he said

man do you realise that your face is burnt and it's covered in sand? What a sentence.

It's like you're really shit Bear Grylls. Bear grilled. You just look like a homeless person. He's like, fire, want a fire? I'm the captain. Mate, what do you reckon? We go on the P&O or this bloke with a burnt face and sand? Oh, yeah, let's double down on this bloke.

That's a sentence that no one in their life ever thinks they're going to have to say to another human being. Do you know your face is burnt? And has sand in it. Yeah, it wasn't a profitable day. The boat did not go out. Yeah. Well, you're almost starting to look a bit better.

Yeah, yeah. This was last week, yeah? How long did you work there? Hey, um... Yeah, two months. Two months. What was the pay? $8 a day.

Plus accommodation and drinks. Hang on. All right. Now we're talking. Now we're sweetened up. Free weed weed free fire now you're making like premier league

soccer money fucking booze and a con free medical because you got that free sand for your burns so

eight dollars a day to captain a boat you were the boss give yourself a pay rise even the fucking cut from captain phillips go I'm the captain You were the boss. Give yourself a pay rise. Even the fucking cut from Captain Phillips. Go, I'm the captain now. No, I don't want to be the captain now.

Stay the captain. I'll kill them all for all I care. It was very demoral. Because sometimes if I made heaps of money for him, he's just like, oh, well, I just won't go out today because I made heaps of money. And I'm like, we can still make more money. He's like, nah, it's cool. We've made enough for the week. I'm like, we can still make more money. He's like, nah, it's cool. Like, we've made enough for the week.

I'm like, I don't mind. And so he goes, but when the boat... To be fair, he was probably just waiting for your burns to heal so you could go out again. Yeah, but he goes, yeah, so when the boat didn't go out, I didn't get paid. So sometimes I just had no money in Thailand, the cheapest place in the world.

Oh, that's so bad. Yeah, once I ran into a bloke from primary school, just like by coincidence, and he's like, mate, do you want to get a beer and some dinner? And I'm like, sure. Can you pay for me? It was like $4. That was last year.

That was Brett Blake. And that was last year. That was Brett Blake. And that was in Melbourne. Melbourne's more expensive, actually. Oh, wow. I'll take you on board for next time I go to Thailand. Nice. I've got an excuse in Melbourne. Yeah, it was a very demoralising time.

But, you know, I had some good times. I had burns in my face. Not a dollar to my name. But you've got to do where your heart leads you, guys. Now, I just realised eight times 30, eight times 30 is 240. So if you did work two months,

you still would have been $20 short of the 500. You know what I mean? That still would have been 480. Your parents should have just sent you 500. Yeah, what's their response to hearing that you've,

because of them trying to teach you a lesson, you've fucking burnt half your face off? Were they like, all right, we'll get you out of there uh i don't know that how'd you get home yeah yeah exactly oh well i had a i had a ticket booked to england um i was gonna say i've got no money let's make one real expensive stopover yeah i thought you were gonna get the reggae boat and just sail it back to melbourne I thought you were going to get the reggae boat and just sail it back to Melbourne.

No, I had that ticket paid for, so I just thought, I'll go nuts. And then, yeah, the ratty gave me a bonus before I left. How much? $4 extra? It was something like that. He gave me heaps of notes, and I remember being impressed. And then I took it to the money exchange. They're like, that is eight British pounds. Thank you.

Oh, Mary Poppins is back. Great. Should we crack into... Yes, we have a little something now because we've got Nick Capper on. A regular segment that we do when Nick is on the live episodes, a little segment of the show called My Friend's Dad Wrote a Porno. Ari, you won't have heard this, but my... Is that the reaction we're aiming for, when I can hear distinctly at least four people saying, oh, no?

My dad has been writing erotic fiction for us to read out on the show. Because My Dad Wrote a Porno is already a podcast, we figured by getting my friend to read it, it's now My Friend's Dad Wrote a Porno, so it's a different thing. Yeah, and I was accosted by the author before the show tonight, and he said he would like to remain anonymous, Mr Damien Hegarty, so we don't know whose dad it is. Could be the man...

Could be any one of my dads. Could be probably one of the oldest people in the audience. No, no, just joking, mate. Easy. Good joke. There's Wally, but spot the guy who looks better than Tom. Looks in better shape. Good save. Good save.

Sorry, mate. Yeah, that one flew. All right. So, oh, this one's got a great title. Wind in the Willows. Who's not hard? Oh, man. Wait, prediction?

Willows is pubic hair. Oh, nice. That's what we call it, Danny, mate. Oh, okay. I'm learning all the terms. It was like a toad and a mole. Gotta trim your willows. Wait, so if willows is pubic hair and this is called Wind in the Willows, are you predicting this is just going to be a story about a huge queef?

No, no, you would think that. No, no, that's pubic hair and the wind is like a blow job. Oh, okay, alright. Let's stop speculating. It's about sex with a prepubescent young boy who can't come yet, so he just shoots out air onto her vagina hairs. Guys, I'm not the one who wrote it. He's guessing.

Alright, Kappa, come on. I will not have my horny father's reputation tarnished like this, thank you. Okay. So, this is Wind in the Willows by a fantasy by Damien Hegarty, so it's not real. This is not a documentary.

We're getting that clear. Okay, yeah. Vanessa Defleur. Mate, you must speak French. You are very good. Vanessa Defleur. It's the language of love. I am quite exotic, thank you.

I'm like a croc demoncier. Okay. All right, so we've got one word of the story. Yes, come on. Vanessa De Fleur is a regular identity in Sydney Road. A regular identity? Yeah, a regular identity in a road. In Sydney Road, an inner Melbourne suburb. Location of residence and work are unknown Man, are we going to raid her house?

What the fuck's going on here? She Bin Laden? What's happening? Why is that? Vanessa De Fleur, she sounds loaded Worker unknown Always striking a figure In long floaty dresses And exceptionally high heels.

Long blonde hair and impressive makeup. How descriptive. I've always regarded makeup as impressive. Good job you've done on that one. Some people talk about Vanessa. Some people talk about Vanessa. Some people talk about Vanessa the undresser. Perhaps an occupation. This is starting to get sexy.

She washes elderly people. Oh, Vanessa the unrest is back I shit meself Vanessa Kappa was that you doing an impression of you just then I was impressed at Cody's kid Goo goo ga ga

Fuck, so bad That's all I'm not going to do that again Sorry, that's above the line Out of everything you've done in life Don't stop that thing Out of everything you've done You've stopped joking.

Kappa got me so bad. What a burn. Yeah, he burned me worse than Kappa's face. Burned me worse than he burned himself on four attempts. Sorry, 200 people I'm playing to tonight. Kappa really affecting me. 238. Okay.

Are their tickets still available? No. Okay. I don't mean to push you, but I've got a boner here if you could get back to the... The Goo Goo Gaga. The elderly washing? Okay.

All right, let's keep pressing on, guys. The author's here. I don't want to ruin his material. Okay, so Harley Cockshaw With a name like that, something's going to happen I can tell You'll never be surprised with these stories Harley Cockshaw lives in a little flat

above a shop in the same inner Melbourne suburb He works two blocks away around the corner off Sydney Road. Callback. Yep. It is a popular area for alternative types. He works at the Let's Get It Together gym.

Which Harley thinks sounds just a bit too gay. which Harley thinks sounds just a bit too gay. But nevertheless, he enjoys his work. How did your dad vote, by the way, in the plebiscite? Harley's a dense character, man. It's his own idea that he's calling gay. Yeah. He made up the name of a gym and went, that's gay.

Also. Show the brain. Also, his last name is Cockshaw. He's got no problem with that. It's a real inception of homophobia happening here, so. Let's get it together, Jim. Okay, Harley's qualification for the job is ideal. He is stocky and muscular.

He is a cool type and looks the part in the gym uniform. Tight, light blue shorts with a muscular T-shirt. T is in parentheses for those at home. By the way, this was written by a guy who last went to a gym in 1955. There's no uniform anymore, Damien. He's got a handlebar mustache. Before he lifts any weights, he goes, Tally-ho!

Penny farthing chained up out the front. The stationary penny farthing bike. Would they just show you an image of a boy running away and you just keep checking everything after him? Nope, too far. Alright, fair enough. Come, we've got to get through this. Let's go. His outfit does not leave much to the imagination. So, yeah, you guys imagine that.

You just described the whole fucking thing. It's the writing that leaves nothing left, yeah. Tell me what fucking socks he had on. Harley enjoys his life Dining often at a nearby Vegan restaurant With a big night out every Friday night At the Duke of York pub

Otherwise known as Yorksy's In brackets So just in case you were wondering What the short name for that pub was That has been listed. There is a Duke of York pub. It's not known as that. Yeah.

I was like, oh, I've been to that pub. Yeah. Yorkies. No, I've never heard a bit called that. That was if that pub was on the Gold Coast. That'd be fucking... Yorkies, man. He figures that eating at various types of places,

he can find all sorts of girls because restaurants are a great place to meet a young lass. Hey, what are you guys doing? Eating? Cool. Yeah. Oh, entrees. A fancy girl. Going to a pub later. No-one's ever picked up there ever, so... Try and get them around 6.30pm.

When everybody's fucking loosening the moves. What's your name? You look well fed. Waiter, can you send some jalapeno poppers over to table four for me please? He sees it like fishing off the rocks. Fishing in the river or fishing off the rocks, fishing in the river, or fishing off a pier. Any way you can reel them in. Is that an ad for fishing?

Sounds like VB for fishing. You can fish them off the rocks. You can fish them off a pier. If this ends with Harley coming and then yelling out, yibbity yibbity, I'm going to be very upset. Always kiss him before you throw him back. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. For sure, Vanessa DeFleur is going to come into this goddamn restaurant.

Yeah, she is the Marlon of this story. Anyway, his system works well for him. He takes his lady companion back to his cozy little pad. You've got Cody on the brain. Cozy little pad. Where your baby's living? In my wife Quantum

He's so smart What a burn Dad, dad How come I don't look like you? How come I've got a bird face with sand all over it? Did you put that flaming hoop in the sand pit again? Did my wife cheat on me with Kappa or Agro? Mum, can you send me 500 bucks to get out of the womb?

I'm stuck Lucha's going to be so fucking annoyed. I know. Pick up the pace. Come on. Sorry, she's such a boss lady. Come on. We're running late.

Okay, so. Sorry. Okay. His sister takes his lady companion back to his cozy little pad where he serves a large glass of chardonnay. So, phew. Before long, Harley commences what he calls his work out parentheses the creaking of the bed and the rumbling of the trams and traffic in

the street below make the atmosphere especially sexy. Oh man nothing makes me come harder than the 18. me come harder than the 18. Oh fuck it's on time! Oh man! Just as it turns the corner. It's an E series. Another track that's not looped up.

Oh man I'm touching on! Oh man, I'm touching on. Okay. Harley has seen Vanessa often in his area and has become increasingly fascinated with the tall, willowy figure. Flowing hair and classy clothes. One day he sees Vanessa look at him. Hi, would you like to grab

something to eat? Yes, was the reply. I was thinking of trying... That sounded a bit yoderish. Yes, was the reply. I can do other voices, see? British, Yoda.

Sucked in impressions. I can't think of a comment. Pieucked in impressions. I can't think of a combination. Pie shot you must buy. Can't do the carpet, sorry. I was thinking of trying the Mongolian place up the road. Sure, says Harley. He has the bait on the hook. The fishing analogy from before.

Yeah, this is, well. I want to fuck well later, so let's roll the dice on a curry. Fucking idiot, Harley. He took me for Mongolian. I had to have sex with him right away. The two of them return to the flat. Harley is really excited. This big fish he has reeled in. By the way, I love this. No return to the flat. Harley is really excited. This big fish she has reeled in.

By the way, I love this. No mention of the meal. It's like literally he goes, what about Mongolian? And she goes, yes, let's fuck now. That's all I needed to hear. They have the glass of wine. Then Vanessa disappears into the bathroom. She's going to take out her tampon. Guys, sex is real. Deal with it.

Had some Mongolia, now it's time for Genghis Khan. Am I right? Get ready for a great wall of sperm. Disappears in the bathroom to put on her scrubs as she had to wash Harley down. It shat himself again. Come on, keep going, keep going. Harley throws his clothes

on the floor, hops into the creaky bed and waits with his eyes almost shut, imagining what is about to happen. The light goes out and the footsteps come across the room.

Vanessa slips into bed. Harley reaches out. But where are the breasts? So no kiss for Harley. He's just straight to the goodies. He's got some notes instantly. Yeah. Marco Polo.

I know. Where are the breastos? Honk honk. Aruga. There's no aruga. He feels around. This is the bit. Fuck. He feels around... This is the best. Fuck. He feels around and discovers that Vanessa is a small man set for action.

Whoa. How is she tall? Was she like three kids in a fucking undress? One ticket to the movies, please. Hang on, I misread that. Is a man all set for action? Oh, not a small man. in a fucking undress. One ticket to the movies, please. Hang on, I misread that. Is a man all set for action? Oh, not a small man.

Yeah, I don't know why I put small in there. I saw S-M-A-N-N-A-L-L and thought I'll put small in there as well. Anyway, Vanessa, is a man all set for action. He turns on the bedside light. The flowing blonde hair is gone. Harley has been outsmarted. Outsmarted is a good choice of words.

Oh, good one. You got me. You can fuck me now. You know what I like in a porno? A good trick. That's a really good left turn on this one. That's the end. Is that the on this one. That's the end. Is that the end?

Yeah. That's the end. Wow. Tommy's dad, the end-night Shyamalan of porno. I cut out the last bit of their dialogue,

which is, I'll get you next time, Gadget. Yeah, it ends with like a Scooby-Doo. I was a bloke all along. I think I had a bigger boner at the end at Sixth Sense. Hang on. Hang on a minute.

Someone's trying to rush the stage, I think. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, excuse me. May I? Hey, it's me, Johnny Dasolo. Oh, my dad. Tommy's dad. Tommy's dad.

Hey, it's me, Johnny Dasolo. Italian magic. Yeah, my dad. That's Tommy's dad. Tommy's dad. Hey, it's me, Johnny DeSolo. Italian magic. Yeah, loving it. Fantastic. Oh, we enjoyed your porno. Hey, that was fake news, you know? Okay? That was yours, wasn't it? No, a lot of details left out. Let me tell you.

Okay? Oh, someone's fiddled with that. Oh, sorry. Well, okay. Here's the good stuff, okay? I made made some notes I hope you enjoyed them all right more rating yeah and finally the Italian heritage of the death lies is proven long Italian heritage that we know in our family why Why else would you be called Dasolo? Exactly, yeah. There is no reason you could be called Dasolo if it wasn't your name and your heritage wasn't Italian.

You'd have to have deep mental problems. Yeah, no. Thanks for clarifying this, Dad. Yeah. Hey, anyway. I was bending your mother. Bending her over the pizza oven Is this Andrew Dessalot, Clyde? Hickory dickory dum dum

I didn't pick a voice before This is what came out Hickory dickgory dog. Desil's mom got that. Okay. Oh! All right, we are running out of time. Desil's mom, I fucked her.

Yeah! Fuck, this is brutal. So good watching you. Little boy Blue, he needed the chemo! Whoa! Boom! Hey, wait a minute, Survivor Man. I survived Lysic Eye Surgery.

Please, Mr. D, go on. Anyway, long story short, I really did a load in her real hard. I mean, thank you for not telling a long story. We all really appreciate it. You could have gone into detail there, but thanks for editing. Came quicker than the 19 off peak hour. It's a tram restaurant. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I love trams. Love the trams. Anyway, I pulled out and I remembered, my father invented Vegemite. Yes, that's true, yes. I remembered that. Yep. Grandpa Dasolo did invent Vegemite, yes. Oh, I see. As I'm about to come, I think ofelo did invent Vegemite.

As I'm about to come, I think of my dad's Vegemite. Is that how he was kicked out of Italy? Banker, farmer, made Vegemite. Everyone else is making pizzas and shit in Italy and they're like, I made this shit and it's like fucking yeast extract. And they're like, get out. I don't know what people would accept this piece of shit. Yeah, they ran us out.

Good riff. Anyway, keep going. Just the kings. Sorry, Dad, I've fallen in with a bad crowd. Hey, that's okay. I don't want to make it too good, you know? Have you planned any kind of big finale for coming up here, Dad? Because I think we should start to wrap it up.

No, that's, you know, that's really it. Mate, for sure your dad wrote that story then. He's proved it. I like how that's how he said come up to rebut this by doing basically nothing. Yeah, yeah. Wait a minute, that's not my dad. That's a bloke.

What a twist. We thought Tommy's dad had something. Turns out we'd all been outsmarted. Well, folks, give it up for my dad, Johnny Dassler. All right, we've got to wrap up this episode of The Little Dumb Dumb Club. Let's have a big round of applause. Ari Shafir. Give it up for my dad, Johnny Dasolo. All right, we've got to wrap up this episode of The Little Dumb Dumb Club. Let's have a big round of applause. Ari Shafir.

Thank you. Nick Cody. Nick Capa. Nick Capa. Nick Capa. Nick Capa. Guys, thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, guys. And welcome once again to another edition of Talking Dum Dum,

the show where we wrap up the little dum-dum club every week. Thanks for joining us. I'm your host. Just a couple of fans talking about the episode they've just listened to. Shut up. I'm trying to introduce myself to the listeners. Sorry. I'm Tommy Dasolo and with me as always is the other host of the show, Carl Chandler. Oh, thanks for having me. How are you this week? I'm good. I'm just, oh wow, just blown away by, they've done it again on that episode, haven't they? What did you think of Tommy and Carl's performance in this week's Little Dum Dum Club? Well, it was probably about a month

ago. I really have no memory of the show whatsoever. So yeah, it was great. Well, you and I just sat here and listened to it. Oh, okay. Oh, that one? Yeah, whatsoever. So, yeah, it was great. Well, you and I just sat here and listened to it. Oh, okay. Oh, that one? Yeah, no, no, yeah. I was wanting your thoughts on that, on the recording, not the live event. Well, I think I've said it.

They've done it again. I don't know how they keep doing it again. I was surprised when they did it for the first time and to keep backing it up like that is truly remarkable. How long until They've Done It Again becomes a new T-shirt that we make? We've got to fucking cool down on the t-shirts, to be honest. I think we've got enough. Look, let's do another t-shirt in a year.

Okay. Yeah. All right. But not until then. We've got enough. We need to do something else. We need to get a hat or something. What else do people sell?

Tote bags. Tote bags are pretty popular. Do people buy tote bags? I just can't believe people would want to buy a tote bag. Well, let us know. Let us know what you want to... But you know what it's time for, though? What?

Some Talking Dum Dum merch. Oh, yeah, right. This part of the show, this is the best bit of the show, and it has no merch. Yeah. Now, that's an oversight. Yeah, you're right. Okay.

Well, no, I've reversed my decision. Merch next week. So that's what They've Done It Again would be. They've Done It Again would be the first T-shirt in the Talking Dumb Dumb range. I would have thought there'd be a number involved within a catchphrase, I would say. I'd say that'd be the one. We could get like a sports team's thing with just a certain number on the back. Nice.

Yeah, I like that. Like a gridiron jersey. Yeah, and then the name above it is just Let's Do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that. Like a gridiron jersey. Yeah, and then the name above it is just Let's Do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like it. Okay, so as we sizzled up the top of the episode in a – Talking Koh Samui. No actual news.

This was just a ploy to get you guys to stick around and listen to what we think is the best part of the show. Yeah, yeah, just Koh Samui. Yeah, it's good. I don't know if I've ever said this before, but I'm positive about it. Do you know that there is a way for us to look at exactly when people stop listening to the next episode of the podcast? Oh, really?

I don't want to know. Me either. Because if we see that people drop off as soon as this bit begins, I mean, you can't come back from that yeah it already feels like a huge waste of time well it definitely there definitely will be that spike i'm aware anti-spike i just don't want to know no i don't want to know the numbers involved no but uh look don't switch off tommy was joking we do have big news we do have a big announcement about the kosamui international podcast Festival of 2018, not one of 2017 because…

We kind of have several announcements. Yeah, we do. We have a bit of a, well, I guess a timeline of announcements. There's been a lot that's happened in the last week, I guess. Big week. Yeah, it's been a big week in Dum Dum, as the old saying goes. Yes. We'll be putting that on a t-shirt at some point in the future.

Yeah. All right, so shall I lead off? Should I start the week the week that's just been or do you want to have the honors you kick things off alright

so for all the people you may have seen this online or in little private groups of ours or whatever

did it make the papers I don't think anything we've ever done has made the papers so no the trades did it make it to Variety? To the podcast Variety.

Deadline Hollywood? No. Didn't even make it to Splitsider. We broke with tradition this year with the Coastal Million International Podcast Festival in that we took more than one podcast and that has obviously

been a very unlucky omen for us uh unfortunately this week we lost the second podcast that was coming with us the dollop a lot of listeners of the dollop out there unfortunately uh there were job offers uh in the pipeline over there and yeah look completely understandable from a business point of view in that it is a job in people's livelihood, things like that. And this is like a very glorified holiday in a lot of ways. Yeah. So completely understandable. That's really the reason.

I got the impression that the reason, and I don't know if we should say this, but I got the impression the reason they had to pull out was because they're stopping the podcast. I don't know why you would say that. I think we're going to get in more trouble than we need to be in. That's not true, not to our knowledge. I wouldn't have thought so, Tommy. No, I was playing funny buggers.

Yes, please, please. So, yeah, look, a lot of people a bit sad, a bit very disappointed. Unfortunately, out of our hands, we did everything we could. We're very sorry to anyone that's been inconvenienced by this. The messages that have gone out on social media seems to be taken very well by some very patient listeners. We appreciate that very much. Surprisingly well, I will say.

Yeah. We were really bracing ourselves for a PR disaster. I think there's still some people simmering with rage that can't quite express how angry they are yet. So we'll cop it in the next couple of days, I think. So, look, that was a big chunk of bad news for a fledgling podcast festival like ourselves. A real sock to the guts.

We have guests locked in that we're going to announce now so that's the negative of what happened last week RE the podcast festival but that's in the rear view mirror now

yes it's all full steam ahead we've dried our eyes you know we've had a good cry and now you know I can

I think I can learn to love again yes me too let's do it so first of all Brett Blake Nick Capper and Dilbrook Jai Singer. All confirmed, all in the Hall of Fame as guests of the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival.

Yes. I believe they've been to every one that we've done. I'll have to check the records. But, yeah, that does sound plausible. Oh, I don't remember doing a show in Koh Samui without them. So I could be wrong. I could be just imagining that. But, yeah, let's double check.

Yeah. But also coming along as our guests this year for the 2018 Koh Samui International Podcast Festival, we have three guests. First of all, Adam Knox. Great comedian. You've heard him on this. You've heard him on Filthy Casuals. He's great.

And guys, look, stay with us. Tommy's announcing the people with the least profile first, so please, don't turn off now. He's not headlining the festival, okay? A man who is going to have to specifically buy shorts for this trip because he does not own any wow yeah really that's exciting that's a little bit exciting i guess um yeah no noxie's great and and very good value to be around so it'll be it'll be a lot of fun for uh the listeners uh yeah look podcast wise stand up wise and as a as a guy a great guy uh also joining us becky lucas yay yes

backy yeah backy backy lucas um yeah great coup becky's profile is rising and uh yeah wrapped to have her along yeah she's gonna's going to be a lot of fun. Yep. And also joining us. Now this, guys, now this, you're talking about that spike

in listenership. This should go right up now. People should be tuning in just for this bit. Okay. Yeah. I'll try and, I'll just put a time stamp in

when I upload the episode. Like if you just want the big bombshell news, yep. Tune in at this specific time. Yep. The third guest joining us for the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival 2018, Gareth Reynolds.

Yeah. Who people will know from him being on this show a couple of times. And from his podcast that pulled out on us about five minutes ago in Talking Dundun. So, turbulent week for us. And, hey, for anyone listening who didn't know any of this news, turbulent, yeah. Turbulent few minutes for you guys. People sitting on the tram or whatever just fucking losing

their minds. On the tram to Cozumel especially. Yeah, so great stuff. Unfortunately the dollop had to pull out. Then later on in the week, we were talking to Gareth. Gareth was wanting, he is not as busy as Dave, who's the other half of the podcast. So he has jiggled a few things around and is now available to come out and be part of

our podcast, be a guest on our podcast. Yes. Do some stand-up with our show. So it's going to be a heap of fun. And hopefully, like I said, all the people who took the news so well, the bad news about the doll pulling out so well, will now hopefully be overjoyed by this little announcement, hopefully.

After saying to themselves, look, I was coming over there, that was a big part of the reason, and now they've gone, okay, well, I guess I can just do dum-dum. Well, now you've got Gareth as well. Yeah. Yeah.

Very exciting. Yeah. Yeah, Very exciting. Yeah. Yeah. A great lineup. I think all the shows over there are going to be so much fun. Yeah. Yeah. Some great people coming along.

So that's exciting. If you're coming, that's what you have to look forward to. But also we're doing the episodes over there that you'll all hear in the next few weeks. Yeah. And I've been talking to the staff at the OZO where the whole festival is taking place and he's confirmed this week that they're building a permanent stage or a semi-permanent stage, I guess.

It's not going to be there forever after this, but there's going to be a permanent stage on the beach. So we're literally going to be doing the podcast on the beach every night. So good. It's going to be very fun. So we'll be doing it around about sunset, an amazing atmosphere which if you concentrate on the podcast

with that sort of environment, you're probably a fucking idiot because it is going to be absolutely beautiful and you're going to be ignoring all that to listen to us talk about fucking chocolate mousse or some shit. I'm looking forward to being able to go into the ocean for a quick dip mid-podcast. Yeah, I'm a little bit worried about all of our listeners being in that close proximity to the ocean

while having a gut full of beer. But anyway. Yep. Don't forget to get insurance, everyone. Yes, definitely do that. So, yes, all exciting stuff. Hey, still time to come. If you're on the fence,

if maybe this news sways you, it's a few weeks off, get on it. LittleDumbDumbClub.com is where you can find all the info. Yes. Now, what next? We needDumbClub.com is where you can find all the info. Yes. Now, what next? We need to get into Patreon.

Let's do that. Let's get into thanking everyone for signing up for Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub. Thank you very much for all the money

that you pour into the coffers here that will allow us to do fun stuff like go to Koh Samui, stuff like that. Thanks very much, guys. Now, you obviously,

as you've heard before, you get bonus magazines, bonus episodes, stuff like that. Now, we are about to go to Koh Samui, which means that if you sign up at the moment, if you sign up within this month, which is the month of May 2018, if you sign up before the end of the month, you will get the bonus content that comes out in June, which will be very much Koh Samui influenced, which means we will be filming videos, audio, pictures for magazines, heaps of bonus content.

And the way to get all of that is to sign up to Patreon now, basically. So that'll be a lot of fun. If you got the video content that we put out last year, that was great. That was heaps of fun. Lots of people got into that. So it'll be more stuff flav year, that was great. That was heaps of fun. Lots of people got into that, so it'll be more stuff flavoured like that. Definitely. But

part of the deal with the Patreon read, of course, is that we select a random number of names to read out to thank the individual listeners for pouring said money into our coffers. And it's that time again. Time to fire up the old unplanned title alternator

and randomly pick some of our loyal, devoted awarees, as it were. Different number every week, so who knows how many it'll be this time. Yeah, it's part of the fun of the show. I've heard there's a lot of betting pools out there that, you know, in the office they go, right, how many are they going to do this week? Really? Interesting. Do you happen to have any odds for what people – what are the odds for different numbers this week?

No, no. I'm very much against people making money off our podcast since we don't get to. No, I don't get into that side of things, but I do know that there are some office pools, some underground sort of high-stakes betting organisations that are running lists on odds for this. Disgusting. Yeah, but hopefully… Nothing we can do about it. Yeah, I'd imagine there's probably some very illegal betting going on

in Costa Milla over this. Right. Where people are just getting hands cut off. Some black market stuff. Yeah. So, okay, let's get into it. Let's fire up the old unplanned totals. And I know one more time this week,

first cab off the rank, thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Simon Williams. Big Simon Willie. Yeah. I haven't given you or the machine hasn't given you a lot to play with First up, someone Always going to be hard

Two big scoops of vanilla right there You know, vanilla's good You know what, I'm a man of simple tastes I'm more than happy with vanilla ice cream Me too I don't really know what vanilla is to be honest To me it's just white It's um i don't really know what vanilla is to be honest it's like to me it's just

white does it's a bean isn't it yeah but like to me it's like plain chips does vanilla have a taste does it i don't know i would if you take vanilla out of ice cream what does that taste like oh interesting yeah i just thought you think that like that's the default setting on ice cream right and it was the base yeah So chocolate is still like half vanilla. Is it? Well, that's what you're saying. Oh, am I? Because you're saying, if you're saying vanilla is the base,

you're saying if you take the chocolate flavour out of chocolate ice cream, you're left with vanilla. Yes. Yeah. Right. So vanilla realistically deserves more credit than it's getting for being a foundation of every other flavour. Right.

Well, as much as you want to give any credit to foundation, you know, who gives a fuck about foundation really? Who gives a fuck about foundation? Yes. Put that on a T-shirt. Me, because that's what's going to stop our stage in Koh Samui from fucking crashing under the weight of us. Foundation, very important.

Yeah. The son of an architect. And if there's one thing I know, foundation, very important. Yeah. The son of an architect. And if there's one thing I know, foundation, very important. Okay. Well, I see it like a blank canvas. Vanilla's like a blank canvas. And if you want to put chocolate on top of it, well, you know, chocolate's, you know, that's what you're looking for.

But I guess you can't have it without the foundation, without the vanilla. Controversial, but I'm going to say I reckon I prefer vanilla over chocolate. Ooh. Well, you know, we do have very different tastes. You're more of a savoury than a sweet man, which I have never been able to understand.

It's just not in my taste vocabulary, I think. Okay. Yeah. But vanilla, underrated flavour. Great flavour. You know what? I'm coming around to you thinking. I'm thinking of how much I used to love Neapolitan as a kid and I would always –

No, you didn't. I did. Absolutely did. Yeah, but what's this story going to be? Well, the story's going to be I was thinking I would eat them in my least favorite flavor to most favorite flavor. Right. And I would eat chocolate first.

Right. Then vanilla, then strawberry. Right. So maybe I am like you. I do like vanilla more than chocolate. That was my point. It sounds like you don't really like Neapolitan at all. Right. Then vanilla, then strawberry. Right. So maybe I am like you. I do like vanilla more than chocolate. Exactly. That was my point. Sounds like you don't really like Neapolitan at all. Yeah. You just really like vanilla and you were forced to get through chocolate

to get to those other flavours. No, but I love, I just said strawberry is my favourite. Yeah, exactly. Well, just because it was my least, like it's always going to be, you've always got to have a least favourite something. It doesn't mean I hate it. I still love chocolate. Leave me alone.

I don't – no, I'm bailing out. I don't have – I've just realised how pointless of a debate this is. Okay. I've lost all interest. I haven't had Neapolitan for ages. Yeah. I mean, it's – I mean, yeah. It's only ever like in a tub at the supermarket.

Do you have ice cream at your house? No. Yeah. Don't trust myself. So your house no yeah don't trust myself so that's why don't trust myself also I'm a good boy I don't eat things like that at home

in front of anyone else yeah in my house because you're not allowed to in front of your wife right I don't allow myself I want to look like I'm a better person

than I am yeah and I can't you know what you can't I can go and sneak an ice cream somewhere but I can't you know what you can't i can go and sneak an ice cream somewhere but i can't like sneak a three litre tub of neapolitan totally and bring a spoon down

the street need it but it is weird though that uh we all know what neapolitan is and that you're kind of your fancy ice cream joints and stuff have never gotten onto the you know you'd think like get get like a mini neapolitan cup yeah Yeah. Like nowhere does it. Like outside of buying it yourself in a tub, you can't get it. Yeah. That's kind of weird. Yeah, you're right. You'd think that would like if Messina went like here's like a mini single serve Neapolitan tub, people would go fucking bonkers.

It'd be a pedestrian article. This throwback flavour at Messina is absolute goals. Yeah. Yeah. You know what? It should be a dessert at a restaurant. They should specify Neapolitan ice cream. Seems like the kind of thing Heston would have done.

You know what I mean? Like at one of his restaurants, he'd have his own and he'd bring it out in like a specially made little like fake tub for you. All right. What about this idea? And look, I don't want to put you under under pressure because this is on air okay but we have a certain podcast festival coming up yes in thailand if you want to check your diary um now splendor in the ass is that what it's called i believe that's the porno we're putting out.

Now, we are going to – we've talked a lot about this in the short to mid-past about opening up our own bar. Now, we will be doing a pop-up bar in Koh Samui. One night of the Koh Samui Podcast Festival, we'll be going there, going to our pop-up bar. And the plans are all well underfoot and it's going to be awesome. Now, we have a menu there. Yep. We have a dessert menu there.

Mm-hmm. Neapolitan ice cream going on the menu. What do you think? Ooh, is that an option? Is that doable? I think, well, look, if it's not doable, then we're a pretty shit joint. If we can't manage.

If we can't put chocolate, vanilla and strawberry together. Yeah. Yeah, okay. I'm happy to do it. All right. That sounds good. Sounds good to me. Sounds good to me.

Bring back Neapolitan. Yeah. And you can't order them separately. They just don't come separately. No. You've got to have the trio. Yeah. I love it.

That's great. I'm making a note. Okay. That'll go well with all the other Thai dishes. Just a slice of Italy. Wash it down with a bit of... Yeah, like your mumma used to make. Yeah.

Well, thanks, Simon. Thanks, Simon. Thanks for inventing Neapolitan ice cream, Simon. We got there. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Robert Kenyon. Kenyon? Not Kenyon as in Kenyan, as in, you know, where Obama definitely came from. Yes.

But Kenyon. Yeah. Okay, right. Ken. But Kenyon. Yeah. Okay, right. Kenyon. Kenyon. So I don't know whether that's where that comes from, whether that's just a – it was originally Kenyan and he got sick of people thinking he was a pretty fast,

long-distance runner and decided to change a vowel here or there. It would be a burden for people to be thinking that about you all the time. It would be annoying. How often do you think, like if you're Usain Bolt, you know, like if you do comedy, any time you meet people and they find out you do comedy, it's like, oh, tell us a joke. If you're Usain Bolt, do you reckon just every time he's at a party,

there must be some cunt wanting to race him? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Constantly. No, I reckon I could beat you. Let's go outside now. What's worse, that or just, you know, that thing of tell us a joke? Just, oh, good, are you saying, oh, do you do running? Do a run.

Just run for 10 metres. Break a world record right now. Yeah, yeah, this will be good PR for you. This will be good practice. But his life must be so many drunk idiots trying to race him. That's all that would be. Yeah. Same with like if you're a boxer or whatever,

just pissed lads at the casino going, nah, come on, let's have a crack. Yeah. People always want to get the photo with your fists raised and stuff like that. Yeah. No, totally. People – he would – look, that's one – you know what?

That's one downside to a pretty remarkable, amazing life. Yes. I'm happy for him to have that. Yeah. There's one bad thing. Given the choice, I'd happily cop it Yeah Yeah

If that's your one downside I don't know if he's got Any other downsides No His whole life seems to be A fucking comic book existence Yes Of just the best things

He could eat Neopolis And ice cream every day He probably is Yeah He'd probably have the money To do that Probably loves it It's pretty big

No He's probably got One of the best lives In the world He world. He seems to now just be an international playboy. And that's it. There's no...

Look, he seemed to be an international playboy even when he was fucking the fastest man in the world competing anyway. How old was he when he broke all those records? Well, I think he finished at like 36, 37, 38. Like those runners, for some reason, sprinters can go – it's not like a – it's not just a young man's sport.

For whatever reason, you can still be fucking pretty quick. Is he that old? I thought he would have been like in his early 20s or something. Early 20s? Well, no, late 20s. No, no, no, no, no, no. He's an old man. I think a lot of those famous sprinters peaked pretty late.

Right. I don't know what that means. Yeah, right. Yeah, no, he is – oh, I'm absolutely wrong after all that. He's 31. Fuck. 39 started to sound like it was getting up there. I think I was just trying to convince myself I could still win the world record. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 39 started to sound like it was getting up there.

I think I was just trying to convince myself I could still win the world record. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he's 31, which means he retired. He's been retired for a year easy. Right. So he probably retired at nearly 29. Fuck. Why is he retired at like 30 or 29?

He could still... Oh, man. He needs to make a comeback. I'm sure – What a year into retiring. Yes. I'm sure there's heaps of older 100-meter sprinters. He should – has there been other – you'd be –

Carl Lewis retired at 36. Right. You'd probably know this. You'd be – Carl Lewis retired at 36. Right. You'd probably know this. So, like, you know, when Michael Jordan quit basketball and went and played baseball for a bit,

has that happened at such a high profile any times or many other times? In terms of what? Like, if you're saying Bolt just now went, I'm going to do high jump. No, that's a very good question to ask about this man because he, for years, has said he wants to go and play for Manchester United. Right. And he's a fucking idiot because it's just not going to happen. He's been saying it since he was like 26, 27 or whatever.

He's like, you don't start playing a sport professionally at that age. It's just impossible. I'm an asset. I can cover the field in like no time at all. That's good. Yeah, but the thing is there's no need for anyone to run 100 metres in a row

totally yeah it's all you know 3-4 metre sprints and stuff like that there's no need like you know

he takes a little bit to get started well you don't need that in soccer you know you need those short short short sharp sprints so he's now 30

going oh no I'm going to go and try it and I've been hearing, oh, no, I'm going to go and try it. And I've been hearing this for years now. Oh, I'm going to go and try it for them. And maybe I'll play for Real Madrid. You're fucking doing nothing. Would be great, though. What if he does it and he's incredible?

He's not going to do it. There's no way he's going to do it. He's just – enjoy your retirement years of between 30 and 40. Now I want this to happen even more just for the sake of like this superstar going out and doing it again. Meanwhile, this podcaster on the air going, he can't do it. He's never going to do it. Look, feel free if you're listening, are you saying,

to use this as motivation. Pin this podcast up on your wall and you can look at it every day and go, I'll fucking show that guy. His first game he walks out onto the field and they're playing audio of this moment out over the stadium. Just people, boo. People setting fire to photos of your head. Yeah.

Good luck, buddy. Great. Oh, man, I hope he does. I hope he does play for Manchester United because I fucking hate them. And he'll be no good and he'll fuck the whole team up. Good luck. All right. Thanks, Kenyon.

Thanks. Yeah. Oh, that's where we were. Kenyon. Is that bad that we talked about? Pretty bad. I didn't realise how we made that switch there. But anyway.

Right. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Cassie Craddock. Cassie Craddock. Cassie Craddock. Honestly, in my heart of hearts, I thought you were going to say Cassie Kramer. Cassie Kramer? Yeah. No. Unfortunately.

It really sounded like that's the way that name was going. No, Cassie Craddock. I just got sucked into it again. Which is, what do you call that when you have two The initials are the same It's alliteration Alliteration That's it Alliteration

So yeah She does sound like A Stan Lee Marvel Comics CC Comic book character CC Music Factory She sounds like

Cassie Craddock Sounds like some sort of Construction worker's daughter In Peter Parker The Spectacular Spider-Man. This is worse than the Kenyan thing. Why? Girl, you got a name like a construction worker's daughter. Yeah, that's not bad.

That's just that would be thought up by Stan Lee is what I'm saying. Right, okay. Yeah. A weird old pervert. Yeah, that's fine. But they've always got these alliterations in those comic books. Yes, yes. Everyone's like Bruce Banner and Peter Parker and all this sort of stuff.

It's like fucking hell. You're allowed to have two different initials. Yeah. Fucking idiot. Casey Craddock. Casey Craddock. Craddock. Craddock.

Craddock's a very – I like it. It's a bit of a rocky name. It's a harsh name, I think. Craddock. Craddock. Yeah, you're right. You're right. Craddock. I like Craddock as a last name. I'm actually into it. It's a bit of a rocky name. It's a harsh name, I think. Craddock. Yeah, you're right. You're right.

Craddock. I like Craddock as a last name. I'm actually into it. Well, you're always on the lookout for a new one. Am I? Put it on your list. Well, you've gone through a few. Have I?

Yeah. A few meaning two. Really only one. I went through one and then started using another one. So I went through one. I'm not done with this one yet. Really? My mileage hasn't worn out yet.

How long is it going to be, you think? Well, I started using a different name when I was 16. So when I'm 32, it's coming up. That's this year? Yeah. Wow. Turned 32 in August. All right.

What's my new stage name going to be? I'm going to be in Japan for my birthday. Right. So that'll be just cleansing. I come back to Australia. Yeah. Another year older, brand new surname. And will it be Japanese?

Do you think? I think it should be. In honour of being over there, I think it should be. Tommy Arigato. That's good. Yeah, great. I like it. What is a traditional Japanese surname?

I have no idea. You've been there a few times. Yeah. Have you looked at the names on the I've kind of had better things to do than look into

the history of surnames. Have you seen the names on the milk bars over there just to see who owns them or anything like that? Yeah, but they're

written in Japanese which I don't speak or read. Do you speak any Japanese? No. I keep telling myself I'm going to

quickly try and learn just to I want to get like an app and just get basic to be able to talk to like I was thinking that quickly try and learn. I want to get an app and just get basic to be able to talk to people. I was thinking the same about Thailand. I only know two or three phrases and that's it.

I've been there a million times and I don't bother learning it. So I'm going to do it this year. I'm going to learn a dozen things or so to say. It's annoying because it's a country – I mean they're both countries where it's very easy to get by speaking English. So you kind of don't need to. But the last two times I've gone gone I've meant to learn a little bit And I've not gotten around to it

And you are fine but you do feel like a fuckhead Turning up and going Hello What is your name? My name is Cassie Craddock My dad is going to knock down your building My name is Tommy Miyamoto. I am 32 years old.

Thanks, Cassie. Thanks, Cassie. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Isaac Robinson. Ah, Robbo. I recognise that name. Do you? From the socials? From the socials, yeah.

Isaac is a distinctive name, isn't it? We've heard a few Isaacs, haven't we, over our time? Isaac is a bizarre name. It is. You've got those two A's sitting there. Now why? Well, it's a classic case of the Aarons, isn't it? You don't need two.

Totally, yeah. So if that other A wasn't in there, what, would that change the pronunciation? No. I don't think so. No, no. Just a fucking show pony, you know? Just wants to look a bit different. Was there some time where there was like a minimum,

you know, number of letters that you had to have in a name? Well, was there a time when this guy, you know, this guy's getting named by the parents and going, you know, oh, I like Isaac as a name, but I met a lot of fucking assholes called Isaac and I don't want to be reminded of them. How about if I misspell Isaac? Then it's a different name and he doesn't have that problem.

Yeah. That could be it. Yeah. Ask your dad, Isaac. A lot of assholes spell I-S-A-C. Isaac. Robbo. He's no Robinson Crusoe when it comes to having superfluous A's in his first name.

Very, very nice. I was going to say average, but I'll take that. Well, it's something. And hey, that's all that really needs to happen here. Just something. That's the end game here. As long as there's something, that's something. And, hey, that's all that really needs to happen here. Just something. That's the end game here. As long as there's something, that's something. I think I can feel those people dropping off.

Yeah. Quick, announce another guest. Isaac Robinson, he's coming. Thanks, Isaac. Yeah, thanks, IR. Okay, so look, as you could hear from us then, the steam's running out of this talking dum-dum. So let's get out while the going's good.

Time for one of our trademark perfect dismounts. Yeah, let's just do one more. We're up on the pommel horse. We've done a couple of fucking twists. Yeah, we were a bit shaky on that last one, so I was like, all right. Yeah, time to jump onto the mat and just accept whatever score the judges are going to give us. Yep, let's do that. Now, look, I guess this is as good a time as any to – I should have said this at the top of the show,

but there has been a little bit of controversy over the last couple of weeks about some people, even some people within this podcast, have been questioning about whether some of these names have been read out once or even more than once before. So, look, I can take the criticism. I am responsible for this part of the show. So, I thought, you know what, I'll look into this this week. Now, look, all i can do is run the program the unplanned title alternative right so i i've looked into it and i've actually

uh look i've uploaded a new app a new extension to it oh great okay yeah yeah yeah i hope this didn't i hope this didn't cost too much uh look it did cost quite a bit okay how much um sixty nine hundred dollars sixty nine six thousand nine hundred dollars i guess you can say like that wow cost quite a bit actually oh okay how much $6,900 $6,900 I guess you can say it like that wow yeah is that the same what did you say

$6,900 $6,900 oh that's the same so that's almost seven grand weird okay wow that's a lot

yeah now that you put it like that that is a lot actually that's a lot of money I just yeah when it was $6,900 I just thought

that sounds like nothing that's a tenth of what we make on Patreon every month. That's like a decent chunk. Don't say that. People will believe that and then drop off. That does not happen. So, I have got this new extension.

It's called the nomenclature. If they're going to spend that much money, they could at least give you a fucking phonetical spelling of how to pronounce it. Yeah, nomenclature reiteration verifier. Okay. Which, as the name says, it makes sure. As the name very awkwardly struggles to say.

Very obviously and clearly and plainly says uh it's an app that uh makes the name again oh god it's simple the name rolls off my lips yes nomenclature reiteration verifier okay the nrv yes the nrv that's easy so uh with that in place now obviously um there is there is no worry about any of those supposed mistakes ever happening again. But see, this is how they get you, isn't it? Because the unplanned title alternator, it's already meant to automatically just do that as a service for you. You'd think so.

It's planned obsolescence where it's like, oh no, this new software update, that bit's not working now, so you've got to upgrade, you've got to get this NRV extension. God, it never – I mean, it just never ends. Yeah, it's a money-making machine. Sometimes I wish we'd never invested in any of this software because now we're sort of – we're tied to it. Yeah, I mean, all our info is in the cloud,

all our accounts are linked to it. It's just like it's just one of these companies where once you're in you've got to be with them for life too much hassle to move over to Android or whatever we do I think we've already said the rent we pay on the unplanned alternative means that we make a loss on this show every week and now we're just

we're taking our bank loans now just to do the Patreon read I've been hearing good things about Samsung's version of this machine so maybe that's worth looking into. Okay. All right. All right. Okay.

Well, let's do one more, as I said. Let's do the third or the seventh one or whatever we've done this week. Good. Cool. All right. Let's go. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber MrComedy. See, now, what's happened here is I think what you've done is you've put the NRV in, the nomenclature.

Reiteration verifier. Reiteration verifier. NRV. You've put it in. Yep, go on. But it's started afresh. So you've forgotten to load in the information of names that you've already read out previously.

So as far as it knows, yes, this is the first time that this name has been read out. But in reality, this is now what feels like about 10th week in a row that you've read out Mr. Comedy. Interesting theory. But look, I'm led to believe that that is not true. I've loaded everything into the NRV. So this is your fault? At the very least, I would be extremely surprised if the very first name read out after spending this much money on software updates and a program designed to weed these things out was something that was incorrect.

Well, you say you'd be very surprised to hear that. Well, fucking hold on to your eyebrows because they are about to fly up that forehead of yours, my friend. because they are about to fly up that forehead of yours, my friend. Well, look, this is a piece of software designed to weed out this problem. Yeah. Look, it doesn't ring a bell for me. Well, okay. Well, then now the next question is we've paid nearly seven,

whatever amount it was. I just remember it being almost $7,000 for this piece of software. Yes. We've got to take it back because it's clearly not working. Because it's just given us the same name that you've read out the last two weeks and you'd read out previously before that. Well, who am I going to believe? A piece of fucking software that's designed to weed out this problem, or the hearsay of Tommy Daslow slash Allsop slash Oregato.

I'm sitting right here. By the way, I love the idea that I changed my last name to thank you in another language. Tommy, thank you. What a polite young man. I love it. It is great. The only bit of Japanese you know.

You've said it so many times. No, I don't even want that as your name in Japanese. I just want it in English. Tommy, thank you. Tommy, thank you. Oh, Tommy, thank you. Anyway, enough laughing. This is serious.

No, I'm telling you. I'm telling you. It's a verified fact. And look, we've been ripped off here. Have you kept the warranty card for this thing? Because we're going to have to take this in for a repair. No, I remember distinctly burning it immediately. Why?

Thinking, well, this will be perfect. This has fixed everything for us. Who does that? Well, I was that sure. I was like, I'll show a... It's a piece of paper. How much room is it taking up? It's proof of faith in this device.

I thought it would be good luck. You know, holding on to a warranty, it means, you know, you're not really believing in something. And I think that shows a bit of doubt and that's not good in front of the software itself, you know. This is the most fucked thing I've ever heard. Well, I take – you know, there's no Tommy thank you anymore. It's Tommy fuck you.

You're at a loss for words just then. Well, I'm just so bewildered and confused and angry. I've spent this much money of the company's money. Yes. And you've had a crack at me straight away. I'm not having a crack at you. I'm having a crack at the software. And to be honest, if you're going to get this piece of equipment,

burn the warranty before you've even used it, what kind of – like what's the motivation for doing that? I get these complaints from you and listeners every week and so I try my hardest. So I set fire to a piece of paper with a warranty on it. I try my hardest every week to make this show better every week, and no matter what I do, I get fucking dissed, all right? Yeah, no matter what you do, if what you do is setting fire

to a warranty of something that you just spent. Again, I can't remember what the amount was. It was just shy of $8,000 or somewhere in that region. A bit below. Well. Look, all right. Well, I'll look into it again. I'm always happy to make this show better.

I thought I'd fucking, you know what? I really, this is disappointing. I really came in thinking this will be a great episode because we'll finish the show. I'll get a pat on the back from you. Everything, all the problems will be sorted. You are very You are always

Desperately seeking my approval Well The desperation goes on So okay I mean I'm happy to do it this week If we book in And we make an appointment

At the Genius Bar To go and get the unplanned Title alternator looked at Okay Because yeah Something Something As Hank Hill famously said, that boy ain't right. Well, look, in my head, everything's fine and you're just imagining things

and I've never heard these names before. So, look, I'm sorry to Mr. Comedy who – hang on, let me see – puts in $69 a month and you've copped all this sort of stuff. Your name's been, in my ears, read out for the first time. And then all we hear is nothing about you. I think there's something funny about his name that we could have riffed on. In what way? Well, now we don't have time to do it.

So we've been talking about your fucking umbrages with the way I'm conducting our business. So look, I'm sorry we didn't devote more time to you, your first or your second name. I'm sorry on behalf of Tommy Daslow for all this hogwash, quite frankly, in my opinion. Wait, what was the name again? Mr. Comedy. Oh.

Oh, yeah, we haven't read that one out before. Okay, great. I thought you said Cromedy. No, no, no, no, no. Oh, right, right, right, right, right. Okay, cool, cool. Thanks, Mr. Comedy. Thanks, Mr. no, no. Oh, right, right, right, right. Okay, cool, cool. Thanks, Mr. Comedy. Thanks, Mr.

What great stuff. You just started looking at me with great expectation. No, no. All right, that brings us to the end of Talking Dum Dum for another week. If you would like to support the show on Patreon, patreon.com slash littledumdumclub, you can find links to all the stuff that we have going on at little dumdum club dot com including

merchandise, a bunch of t-shirts that we have, some stickers, all sorts of cool stuff. And live shows, always have a look, get on the socials and see what we're up to, whether we're going to your town or thereabouts. A lot of you guys travel to different cities and whatever so we very much appreciate it.

Yeah, yeah. Look forward to seeing you at one of these shows, particularly maybe Sydney coming up. Yeah. You've got the big chance of – it is obviously sold out, like we said. We are going to have some drinks around town afterwards, so that will be fun. Cool.

Thanks for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates.