The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 401 - Chas Licciardello & Aaron Chen

Episode Date: June 13, 2018

It's the morning after last week's 400th episode so we're extremely hungover and tired but content waits for no man! We're in at the ABC with CHAS LICCIARDELLO and AARON CHEN! Chenny Baby details his brief tenure at ABC's Tonightly as well as dissecting his soccer controversy, and Chas has brought snacks for everyone! This episode is brought to you by Vans / Marvel! Visit www.vans.com.au/PLANETBROADCASTING for your chance to win three pairs of Vans / Marvel shoes!Don't forget, we have a bunch of huge live shows coming up:KOH SAMUI: The Koh Samui International Podcast Festival is happening again in 2018 with guests The Dollop! JUNE 13 - 18. For tickets, merchandise, links to our Patreon and heaps of other stuff, head to our website: littledumdumclub.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. Today on the Little Dum Dum Club, a very hungover brand new episode with friend of the show, Chaz Lichardello and first time guest Aaron Chen. But first of all, we need to let you know that this week, the Little Dum Dum Club is once again sponsored by the Vans and Marvel collection that is available now. You can head to vans.com.au slash planet broadcasting for your chance to win a pair of Vans sneakers that have Marvel characters on them. They look great.

They're awesome shoes. Yeah, head over there now and check it out. Vans and Marvel together at last. Together at last. Just skate punks and nerd last. Yeah, just skate punks and nerds. Yeah, as one. The sweet intersection in the middle. But yes, fun

episode. There's not that much else that we need to let people know about, is there? No, this has just been recorded straight the morning after the big live 400th episode. So if we sound a little bit brutal and my voice is a bit haggard, that's because I was yelling over the top of people yelling at me.

I think when the episode starts, you're about to literally say exactly that same thing. Okay, that's good. So we're very sprightly now, then you'll hear a bit of music, and then you'll hear a severe drop in enthusiasm and attitude from both of us. But a fun episode. Fun episode. So enjoy this episode with Chas and Aaron Chen. Hey mates, welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Daslow and sitting across from me is the other

half of the show, Carl Chandler. G'day Dickhead. How are we feeling? Look, full disclosure, we are recording this a couple of hours after doing the 400th episode live. I honestly think I'm still drunk. Right. Like I feel like I'm in a complete haze. Right. My scratchy voice has picked up a little bit. But if I sound bad at all in this episode, it's because I was trying to scream over the top of people baying for my blood at the show last night.

So people were actually, I don't know, we talked about it on the night, but man, I don't know what it is, but you go out there and you've got everyone's undivided attention and I go out and they think that they've got pitchforks and I'm Frankenstein's monster. Yeah, I've been trying to like watch your stand up to just, because I want to work out what's going on, because I'm fascinated too. Let me know. Please. I'll tell you this.

For the last six months, I've kind of been doing undercover research. I want to get to the bottom of this and I still haven't been able to reach a hypothesis. Right. I'll tell you this though. When we left the venue, it was an absolute sea of cans of beer all over the floor. Right.

And the venue manager said to me, I've never seen the room in this bad a shape. How fucking maniacs. I don't think we're ever going to be welcome back there. Was he talking about the room, I've never seen the room in this bad a shape. How fucking maniacs. I don't think we're ever going to be welcome back there. Was he talking about the room or the punters in the room? And I looked and it was disgusting. It looked like a park after New Year's Eve. Oh, right, right.

You can see the footage on the news. One of those news reports where all the residents are complaining, going, oh, these fucking millennials are coming to wreck the beach. Yeah, they shit in my front yard. We're closing the park down next year. It's never happening. I've said this. I said it last night, but I find in general a lot of comics that talk to us go,

they're scared of our fans. They're scared of our listeners. Last night they gave a very good reason to have that reputation. Yeah, well, if it wasn't hard before, it's certainly gotten harder after last night's episode. And, hey, we've got two guests here who couldn't join us last night, but we wanted to get them on the show while we're in Sydney. First of all, a great friend of the show, Chaz Lichardello.

Hello. How'd I go? Did I butcher it? Close enough. Fucking that'll do. Yeah, it will do. And I've got to say the as the owner of the theatre you performed in last night

it's great to hear what you just said thank you very much it's great news I didn't I totally forgot that I would not have thought that up

if I'd remembered that's right yeah you're welcome for all the beer cans it's a good it's a very savvy business decision by you

to get someone in that has a lot of alcoholic fans. Well, you know, I knew if we were ever to make a profit, it would be to get the Dum Dum Club in. Drive those cans up to Adelaide, you'll make fucking, you know, $4 or something. Yeah, yeah. We'll take them with us to Adelaide next time.

We'll make more money than on the podcast. Also joining us, first time on the show, it's Aaron Chen. Hey, what's going on? Chetty baby, we've been trying to get you on for a while. Yeah, I know. It hasn't been linked up, but now we're here. No, it has been linked up. It's happening right now.

It's been linked up. That's what I meant to say. This is it, man. You're part of it now. So this situation is a podcast. Yeah, this is a podcast. Hell yeah. We're in at the ABC.

We were sitting here with Chaz. You were running a little bit late, Aaron. Yeah, 20 minutes. You messaged Carl to say, I'm out the front. I don't have a swipe card. Can someone come let me in? And Carl said to Chas, hey, Chen can't get in. And Chas just kind of went, well, you know, it's your guy's thing.

Whatever you want to do. Because you thought we meant like he can't get into the ABC. He can't do the podcast, but we meant he's out the front. That's right. It just seemed like this bizarre power move of like, you know what, guys? Fuck that guy. You make the call what you want to do. Yeah, it felt like some sort of choose your own adventure that you're forcing on us where

it's like, okay, is this up to us to fashion our own security card or how does this work for us? Yeah, it's like the quick and the dead, guys. This is the comedy world. What's going on, though? You work in here. Why don't you have a swipe card? I work in here sometimes.

Last time I worked here was in Tonightly, and I left with cold stares from the office. Bad terms. Bad terms. Yeah, not great terms. So, wait, yeah, you were doing something? Do you get less of a response from the Tonightly show than they get from the audience?

Yeah, if we're going there, I'll tell you the story. Up to you, man. Yeah, I was doing a week in Tonightly. ABC's Tonightly, hosted by a friend of the show, Tom Ballard. Tom Ballard. Great show, but I was just like not fitting in. I was like a cat in a zoo or something like that. That's good, isn't it? If I saw a cat in a zoo, I'd be like not fitting in I was like a cat in a zoo or something like that that's good isn't it if I saw a cat

in a zoo I'd be like that's cool that's sick there should be a room of dogs and then one of cats yeah but you guys

are also you can't pet a zebra so why not you want some tactile that's a great idea you guys are also cats though true yeah fellow cat that sounds good I was out tonight Lee hanging with the big dogs Also cats though. True, yeah.

Fellow cat, that sounds good. I was at Tonightly hanging with the big dogs and I was meant to pitch like have three big segments on the show in the week and the whole time there I made like 40 seconds worth of cameo and like one online thing and one one other bit that i wrote um that i was filmed all in two days peter hellyer did the night before we were gonna air i've always said you two have got identical minds you and you and pete hellyer sneaky pete um but on the last day because i I was pitching all these big ideas,

I wanted to do real funny comedy, but they shut down everything. No funny comedy, that's a rule. Was that, did they just cut you down at that pitch? I want to do funny comedy. And it's a nightly set, not for us. They're like, how do we make it less? they're like how do we make it less on the last day

because all my ideas were getting cut down he was like man the CEO not Tom Ballard but the other guy I don't know what the title is the CEO Steve Jobs it was a bit of a heated moment.

He was like, man, he said something along the lines of, man, your output has not been good. And then he was like, it was the last day. He was like, today you're going to film a piece and it's going to be evergreen. And I didn't know what evergreen meant. So I was like, what does evergreen mean? It's got to be evergreen. And I didn't know what evergreen meant. So I was like, what does evergreen mean? It's got to be about trees. Yeah.

I said to him, I was like, what does evergreen mean? Unambitious? And then I left. So how did you take the fact that you were making a show which had to put out 28 minutes of material a day and your stuff wasn't getting in. They're desperate. They're desperate for material.

Surely some of the show is CCTV. Like you don't have to – there's not a high quality process. You've got to put that much stuff out. Those guys are just so – they're so good at it. Bridie, Larson, Greta. You've got to name them all now. You don't want to play favorites on the show that you've got to name them all now. You've said three. I don't want to play favourites on the show that you've said is not funny.

I like how you said reluctantly at the end, Tom. Yeah, he's funny. So you had a week-long tenure and then you've shown the door. And that's the last time I've officially been in the ABC. There's a thing I don't understand because this is not the first time this has happened to you. Where someone's hired you And then they get you And they go, oh, what's this?

I mean, has anyone watched your comedy before? Like, your comedy is awkward comedy And then they hire you and they get awkward And they go, oh, this is a bit awkward Like, I don't understand Totally Well, you know, you made Sammy your name With the ABC soccer coverage

Yeah, that's another example You were there I was there I was in the middle I was very close to the eye of example. You were there. I was there. I was in the middle. I was very close to the eye of the hurricane, which was you, and I was sitting there observing it. It was very amusing. It was a very amusing night.

Thank you. Yeah. I was going to go in hard and, like, roast everyone who tried to roast me, but then you were like, nah, do the opposite. Oh, yeah, because you were showing me your private messages on the night and you were showing me. And, look look for people that aren't aware of this so the abc covered liverpool's match uh when they played a friendly a year ago and um it's fair to say the coverage did not go down very well and um it well look it was sort of hosted by sort of bunch of people

that don't really know soccer so that that grated on people that enjoy soccer. So that was happening. And then on top of that, then you're the roving correspondent in the crowd who were going up to people going, what's your favourite bit of snocker? And weirdly... Now that is some good evergreen shit right there. Now, I know soccer fans have a reputation of letting off flares

and being violent, so somehow they didn't gel with that joke. So that was all going like pear-shaped. But the great thing was then because of social media, we're hearing immediately. And let me say, let me get out of the train wreck here. I was there because I did a tiny bit of research and then came and got a free ticket to go. So I was like, come up.

I'm like, I've done enough. I don't think I even use the research I did. I come up just to watch the game for free and just sit in the middle of this TV show. And the social media reports are coming in and everyone is absolutely caning it, getting caned. And,

and everyone's heads are down just checking and like everyone's on suicide watch. And, but Jenny is sitting there getting all these messages going, you should kill yourself. Or if you don't, I will kill you. And he's just laughing going, look what this man wants to do to me. That was lit. So it's literally just everyone like with their head between their knees

and me and Cheney just laughing going, this is funny. It was funny watching it play out live at the time and watching you on social media responding to people because it was a real lesson in how to manage the storm. Do you know what I mean? Like just a real masterclass in taking on the trolls and winning. But the storm was also about soccer. It had no bearing in real life.

Like I didn't do anything. That's the thing. and like real like I didn't do anything I don't understand why people get so angry about comedy I mean I'm sure you've all experienced this before if someone doesn't like a joke yeah they get aggressive and angry like like you honestly if you make a joke on TV that people don't like they get much angrier than if you raped someone. Like, seriously. Like, this is a great example, right? Of their last sentence. Don't you?

Let's see what happens. Let's see what happens. I promise you, someone's going to stab me because of that comment. Like, they get so angry. I don't understand. You were just trying to get in there and be funny and make silly jokes, and people took that as, like, you ancient… Well, look, I think the thing they said at the time was the coverage of the soccer that night went so badly and got such a bad response that they said ABC are not going to get the soccer

and they're not going to get the rights to the World Cup. And we're on the eve of the World Cup and it is on SBS. So, well done, Cheney. Keeping it where it belongs. I'm just going to tell one quick story about what I'm talking about with the comedy thing, which is that when we did the Make-A-Wish thing on The Chaser, like where we had the Make-A-Wish sketch, which I'm getting suspended for.

So tell me a bit of context. Sorry, yes. I sometimes think that no one could possibly not know what I'm talking about because it was so huge in my life. for. So a tiny bit of context. Sorry, yes. I sometimes think that no one could possibly not know what I'm talking about because it was so huge in my life. I know because you know what? This is what I find funny about comedians and not just you but like a lot of people. Someone will say, if anyone makes TV, and I've had this a lot recently where there's been big names that have said to me, oh, you know that sketch I did that time in 989 on

TV? I don't know what you did yesterday. I don't know your fucking canon. Okay. So it was a sketch, it was a parody sketch on the war and everything where we were doing a sketch about to make a wish of foundation.

And the idea was that they're going to die anyway. So just give them shit stuff. Yeah. Like it's, they say, oh, can I, can I have a.

Which Tommy Daslow actually lived in real life, that exact sketch. I'm offended. Next. Very disturbing. Yeah, the joke was, yeah, they'd go on like a trip to Disneyland and go, well, you can have a stick. Yeah. That kind of stuff, right?

That's good. That might be a lot. Anyway, yeah. So people didn't – You think that's clever, do you? You really think that's clever? It's happening again. People get very angry with that sketch, right?

Bring Jenny back. Get Chen doing roving coverage in a fucking cancer ward. So you have concert. That's cool. So we're out trying to film the next week's show when it blows up in the news. It's literally front page news, this sketch, this comedy sketch. Anyway, and someone says, tune in to 2GB. Like sends me a text, tune in to 2GB.

Oh, God. So that's an AM station in Sydney. Yes, there's a talkback station. Yeah. And I thought, this doesn't sound good. And so we tune in to 2GB and it's Chris Smith, I'm naming names, on air saying, he's taking calls and they are trying to find out where we live. This is their caller segment, not even what you think of the sketch.

That's so good. Does anyone know where these guys live? You got doxxed live on air. That's so good. And the line which I heard, which I will never forget, is him going, let's do to these guys what they're doing to Australia. I thought, what, are you going to come to our place and tell us funny jokes? Is this what you're going, what? Are you going to come to our place and tell us funny jokes?

Is this what you're going to do? Are you going to spend hours workshopping material and then present it to us? Are you going to give us a stick? They get so angry. That's so great. And did anyone know where you guys lived? No.

Well, actually what happened was this didn't come off quite like I hoped because we had to run everything by the ABC, of course, because we were in a lot of trouble. And my first instinct when I heard this is to say, okay, Andrew, because me and Andrew were in the car together. I said, Andrew, both of us ring up at the same time. I will give them Ray Hadley's address. You give them Alan Jones' address.

These are two guys on TGV. Because we think we know their address because we stalk them out all the time. But they don't know each other's address and so let's just put out their address live on air and then let's see how they like it. Oh, that's great. But we had to run by the ABC and they did not let us do it.

That's so good though. That's fucking crazy. Yeah, no, they get angry. They get very angry. People get mad. So it's died down for you, Cheney? There's no, like, because I always wonder with those things, how long does it realistically last? That was like two days worth of time.

I got added to a group called Caltex Australia Football Fans and they love me. That's it. So for all the negative, it seemed like you did win. You won a lot of fans. And also, sweet plug for Caltex there. So nicely.

It's not. It's because they have I'm a lot of fans and also sweet plug for Caltex there so yeah the actual like Caltex it's not it's um because they have like subgroups called like Caltex Australia football fan autism

and stuff like that what like they have like for them are you a little annoyed that they're not into you I reckon they're the most into me

you're their king slash autism slash kindred spirits yeah no it's I reckon they're the most into me. You're their king. Slash autism slash kindred spirits. No, it's, I don't know, like, it's crazy being in a group. Like, the football fans, they don't know, like, anything about PC culture, but they know a lot about football. Right. So it's like, it's kind of sick.

Carl, you don't identify as a football fan. Are you in any of these groups? No, no. I'm not that far into it. Did you feel kind of like torn between the two sides of like a comedian that you like is getting roasted but on the other hand you are a big fan of soccer and this little son of a bitch over here, he did get in there and dramatically disrespect the game. Did you feel torn in any way?

Not at all. I mean, yeah, no, I'm a big fan. But I was more torn that I didn't get the gig in front of Channy. You know, that's the bit I was offended by. I've seen her go, how did you get that? Yeah, exactly. So, Chan, do you remember now getting any hate mail from a mysterious address that was like, you're fucking shit, you should kill yourself?

They should have had a guy called Carl Chandler in there instead. From at comedy at spleen, what? You know what I was? Dumb Dumb should have done the podcast at Carl Chandler in there instead. At Comedy at Spleen. What? You know what else? Dumb Dumb should have done the podcast at halftime. Yes. Yes. That would be so good.

That would be great. They couldn't have been a more violent bunch of fans than were there last night at our show. But, yeah. You know what I was offended by? You know what? I'll get back to it. I thought Channing was genuinely funny. But there was a bunch of hosts on the show. One of them, and like I said, not super experts of the art form of snocker, as you say,

but Julian Schiller, a friend of ours, he was one of the co-hosts. And he was like, oh, big Liverpool. Anytime I see him, he's always like, yeah, big Liverpool fan like you. Big Liverpool fan. And they supplied a bunch of old soccer tops for the cast to put on and they're all, you know, most of them are like, oh, which top's this? Okay, I'll put on whatever. Julian Schiller picks up a Liverpool top and goes, oh, candy.

Oh, were they the sponsor for Liverpool? Is that a real top? I'm like, Julian, that was a sponsor for 10 years. How are you telling me you're a big Liverpool fan and you're the fucking spokesman on TV? You don't even know what was on your team's shirt for a decade. Maybe he's just a fan of the city Liverpool.

Maybe he thought Liverpool in Sydney. He thought he was hosting a postcards reboot. I'd love to go back there. It was a beautiful place. It made me fucking ill. So, World Cup? Doing anything for the World Cup, Jenny? I'm putting my feelers out. Santo Samaner, if you're listening.

Yep. Campaign's on. I thought you were going to say Frank Lowry. There's still time to send you over with the Socceroos over to Russia. No, they've locked in the 23-man squad today. Oh, okay. Oh, look at you. I'm just out.

Look at you. What an expert. Secret fan. But you could be. You know, to be honest, I don't want to diss you or anything. I wasn't actually thinking you could play for the Socceroos. I was more thinking you could be brought along as some sort of mascot cheerleader or something.

Yeah, yeah. Well, you'd be good at soccer though, right? You seem like a pretty athletic guy. I'm not amazing. I think this is like the first time I've ever seen you not wearing shorts. I think in my head it's like he's always in shorts because he's mobile. Are you a shorts guy as well? Chat, yeah.

Actually, you're both massive shorts guys. We're kindred spirits. This is like the second day of the year I haven't worn shorts. Yeah. I have to say I have such respect for Aaron Chen, Jenny Baby here, that he once wore shorts on my stage and I let him get away with it. Yeah.

I wasn't super happy with it, but I let him pursue it. No, you weren't. Straight after the gig, you put money in my hand and you said, buy a pair of pants. He did. Look, you're wearing a pair of pants. Thank you for dressing up for the podcast. You've taken me out of the

poverty line. I've covered up your ankles. You're welcome. I turned up to your gig over summer. I was just dropping something off to you before your gig started. You were like, I need someone. Do you want to do a spot? I'd just been at the movies and I was in shorts and I was like, yeah, but you know, I know how much you hate shorts.

I'm going to have to do the gig in shorts. There's no time to go home. And you're like, oh, yeah, okay. And then you didn't have anyone to host and you were like, man, if you can go and get some pants, you can host, but you can't host in shorts. And I'm like, man, there's half an hour before the gig. There's no chance of me getting pants. Like, this is it.

I'm sorry. Like, I can host, you know, like I'm not having you host in shorts. And I'm like, man, there's half an hour before the gig. There's no chance of me getting pants. Like, this is it. I'm sorry. Like, I can host. You know, like, I'm not having you host in shorts. So then you host and you hadn't prepared to host. You hadn't done a gig in ages. So then it's like you in the stairwell trying to remember jokes. And I love that for you it's preferable to have someone get up there who essentially doesn't have material.

Like, that's better than someone showing off their knees. I don't remember that gig at all, but I'm sure I was vindicated in that decision. So Chaz has brought in, very generously brought in some snacks. Now, one of the many things we love about Chaz is his diet. And his love of junk food. And, you know, well, I shouldn't say junk food. No, no, you should. Just dessert three times a day, I guess. Something like that.

I do like to snack. Yeah. It is true. And what's your Instagram account? Oh, baby.got.snack. Yes. I decided to have an Instagram account just solely about the snacks I eat. Yeah.

Right. But the thing is, it's actually built a huge amount of pressure because as far as I'm concerned, they define me, these snacks. So I've got to make it good. So I don't just put a photo up. I try and put a little bit of gear on the side. A bit of review. Yeah.

But the pressure of writing the review actually builds. And I haven't done one for like months. And I've had at least one complaint. So I'm going to – Do you get worried given what you do with the Jacer and everything? Do you get worried when you don't get complaints? Because surely that's like oxygen to you. Pretty much.

If you're not getting complaints, it means people aren't paying attention, which is often the case. Are you upfront about the fact that it's you running the account or is this just like a secret gossip girl kind of thing? No, it's a bit of a secret though, isn't it? Because your name's not on the account at all, isn't it? I think my – I don't know. I think my name – it has my name but the actual account is called Baby Got Snapped.

Right, because I think I started following you on it and then didn't know who it was. It's only got my photo on it. Oh, does it? Yeah, it's got my photo with the blue tongue twisties. Okay. Because I'm pretty sure I started following you and I was like, I don't know who this is. And then over time I worked it out.

It's like Andrew Denton's got one on there that doesn't have his name on it. I'm following it. I'm going, why is this fucking weirdo putting up pictures of Andrew Denton? Oh, it's him. It's like I've got pictures of his wife. I'm like, this guy's a fucking serious stalker. He's got some good access to Andrew Denton. There's a guy that we found on Instagram that's obsessed with AA.

It's Saturday. Oh, I know. It's bad because I don't think he's right. Yeah, but he's made his own plucker duck wheel and it's just like in his garage. It's crazy. There's pictures of him like it's like washing day and then it'll be like a hill's hoist full of plucker ducks. Two dozen plucker ducks.

Why have you got two dozen dirty plucker ducks. Two dozen plucker ducks. Why have you got two dozen dirty plucker ducks? What have you done to make you have to wash all the plucker ducks? Oh, man. It's so good. It's just him documenting when he was like built. Like he's built the like the, you know, how plucker would get on the bike and like he's built one of the – he's built his own one. Does he conduct live draws like on Instagram?

Oh, no. He should. That's a good idea. He's just literally documenting his fasc one. Does he conduct live draws on Instagram? Oh, no. He's just literally documenting his fascination with, he's obsessed with Hey Hey. Just him hitting up Jo Beth Taylor going, come back. Come back and do the show. And he's like 22 or something. It's like, how does this guy even know what Hey Hey is? I reckon a 22-year-old is exactly the kind of person who'd be a fan of Hey Hey

because he never watched it. I thought he'd become a fan. It's even worse. He's become a fan of the reboot rather than the original. The Jackson Jive, get him back. I thought I was being delightfully eccentric on my Instagram, but now everybody's got to lift my game. Yeah, totally.

Totally. So, Chas, you brought in some. I brought in some snacks for us all to try. You might not want to try these. But I asked what you guys wanted and you said Choccy. I brought in some snacks for us all to try. You might not want to try these. But I asked what you guys wanted and you said Choccy's. So I brought in Hershey's Gold Peanut and Pretzels, king-sized, which is caramelized cream. Not quite Choccy, but it's exotic.

So I'll crack that one open. But the thing which I'm personally most interested in is I brought this Power Crunch protein bar, wild berry cream flavor. Because I just noticed that these protein bars are becoming less and less like health supplements and more and more like lollies. Yeah. And I feel like there's a line that's being crossed when you have something that is essentially white chocolate with raspberry and it just looks like a wafer biscuit to me.

But it's supposedly a protein bar. Now, you love your protein bars, don't you? I do. I do. I do love them. I figure that they're like – they're kind of like – Talk into the fucking mic while you eat your chocolate. I'm trying to eat some chocolate, guys.

Priorities. Have you done media before? Fuck. The thing I like about protein bars is it's kind of like a fat person's chocolate bar because there's less kilojoules in them. Oh, right, right. I was going to say because protein bars are for after you work out or before you work out. Yeah, well, you don't need to

do that. Right, right, right. You're cutting out the middle man. Let's not get carried away here. It's all about the protein bar. So, yeah. So, I am a bit obsessed with protein bars, but just general snacks, you know. Because, as you guys know, one of the weird things about me is that

if I'm not eating snacks, you don't want to get too fat, about me is that if I'm not eating snacks, you don't want to get too fat, right? So if I'm not eating snacks, I'll just eat things that fill me up so I can have that with as few kilojoules as possible so I have more room for snacks. Right, right, right. I love this. I love this. For instance, I will have fennel.

Right. Raw fennel, just like an apple. Right. Like I'll have fennel all day, like just fennel, fennel, fennel, fennel. Just like an apple. Right. Like I'll have fennel all day. Like just fennel, fennel, fennel, fennel.

So that way I've had almost no kilojoules, but I'm kind of full, which means I can then just snack until I want to spew. I love it. When's the last time you went to like a doctor, had like a physical or whatever? Because I'd love to know what's going on. It can't be good. But you look like you're in good shape. Like you actually sort of look like you go to the gym.

Yeah, appearances might deceive. But you look good. Like, you know, you're not skinny, but you look like you go to the gym. Yeah, appearances might deceive. But you look good. You're not skinny, but you look like you're in shape. You look like you've got some tone or something to you. I'm in okay shape for someone who's middle-aged and over the hill. Well, for someone who fucking brings in four chocolate bars to a podcast, you're in very good shape. There is that. And oh, my God.

Our Hershey's Gold Pounce and Pretzels. What a snack. It's good. It's good. I had a bit just then. Yeah, it good shape. There is that. And oh, my God. I heard she's gold. Peel out some pretzels. What a snack. It's good. It's good. I had a bit just then. Yeah, it's good. It's tasty. Get into that one.

I'll have a little bit. But you have kids, right? I have two kids. So how do you go about, like, you know, like disciplining? At dinner time, do you go, kids, finish your cheesels or you won't get any twisties? kids, finish your cheesels or you won't get any twisties. There'll be no fiddle for you unless you polish off this entire Oreo packet.

Yeah, the good thing about my kids is that they're small enough that it's impossible for them to eat too many snacks as far as I'm concerned. Right. And they still wait until at least 13 before they're old enough to have too many snacks. So is this where your wife steps in? Is your wife like the other, the yin to your yang? Is she got a sensible diet where she's teaching your kids the proper way of eating? It's fair to say that my wife is a bit bigger on the veggies than I am. But having said that, the thing with kids, I don't think any of you have kids so I can say this.

Jenny, hang on, Jenny. Yeah, yeah. Not allowed to talk about it. The thing with kids, when two parents have completely different views about something, the question is, who could be bothered spending time with their kids? That's the person who wins. Right.

In that case, I tend to win because my wife, man, she does not want to have anything to do with my kids. I shouldn't say that on air. Oh man, those kids, they can be loud. So it's like, okay, I'll look after them. It's cool. I'll look after them. No worries.

I'll take care of dinner. And then, yeah, then I have my way. Oh, I would have thought the opposite because everything I've ever had to do with you is you're working until 5 a.m. or something and then you go and you've told me your plans. You sort of go home at 5 a.m. and then you think, easy, I just have an hour of sleep and then I get up and play with the kids and then they go to school and then I go back to work. And I'm like, how do you work these hours while being fueled

by fucking lolligobble bliss bombs or whatever the fuck you eat every day? That's the only way I can. That's the only way I can is be constantly on sugar. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that is how I do it. And you're right. People might think you're exaggerating for comic effect. You're not.

No. I literally go to bed at 7 a.m. every morning for like two hours. Yeah, and then you get up and see your kids and then you keep going again. No. I literally go to bed at 7 a.m. every morning for like two hours. Yeah. And then you get up and see your kids and then you keep going again. Yeah. Well, yeah. Basically, I go to bed when they go to school. Yeah.

And then, yeah, I keep on going. But a lot of my work is – because I do an American politics show. A lot of my work is reading American politics. So I can do that at home. Right. So, yeah. Same as Jenny, baby. He's just getting in from the nightclubs at that point, I think.

That's all, yeah. Yeah. Pardon yeah. Yeah. Pardon me? Yeah. Sorry, I'll give you some notice next time I throw to you there, shall we? Oh, yeah, yeah. Because I'm too tired from the nightclubs. This guy gets it.

How old do you reckon is too old to go to nightclubs? Because someone was asking me the other day to go to a club. I said, man, I'm like 42. That's too old to go to a nightclub. Yeah, we were in one last night, so older than Carl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, I was going to say I was feeling it a little bit last night, but then again the bar was full of people that like our show.

Yeah, and also the punters that were already – it was the after party for our 400th podcast last night. It was a very young – like a lot of like 20-year-olds, like already there. So already, you know, you sort of, you feel a bit old. On top of that, you turn up with a suitcase full of merch. Great look in a nightclub, just wheeling a suitcase through the dance floor.

Yeah, yeah. No, you're right. I did feel not too bad apart from the suitcase. When I was wheeling that around, I'm like, oh, it looks like I'm picking up one of my kids here or something. Yeah, yeah. Whose dad is here to take them on an international flight like straight from the club?

Come on, everyone. We're going to Poland. Chani, you're a lot younger than we are. Is there anything you feel too old to do? Be on Tonightling. The children's TV show Tonightling. The Children's TV show Tonightling. How bad would that be?

You're doing what you think is a serious adult comedy show on the like regular ABC and then the call comes down, we're moving you over to the kids station. This has become pretty apparent. This is a pretend show.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not testing with anyone over eight. You didn't know it but you are doing children's comedy. They don't even tell you. You just tune in one day. You're like, it's not on ABC2. What's going on here?

You scroll through. It's on the kids' channel. They've changed the backdrop to a forest. There's like a CGI owl flying around and talking to Tom off the back of all his jokes. Yeah, someone goes, oh, sorry, Jenny. We thought you were a character. Is this you? Oh, God.

But, yeah, do you ever feel too old? How old are you? I'm almost 23. Shit. Oh, nice. That's a sign of being young when you – I'm almost – I'm 22 and three quarters. Because, yeah, you came down to the comedy festival, what,

when you were like 16 or something? Because, yeah, you came down to the comedy festival, what, when you were like 16 or something? The first time ever I would have been, yeah, 16. Jesus Christ. Doing Class Clowns, though. Yeah, right. You started young.

I started young, yeah. How old? 31. I just started last night. Had a crack for the first time. It felt good. I reckon I'm going to keep going. Yeah, doing an hour first up is going to go pretty well. It's actually pretty common.

People doing three gigs. I'm going to do an hour-long show now. You guys did three hours last night. We did. Three hours of – most of it was comedy. Did most people stay for the whole thing? The bit that they actually wanted to see was at the very end so yes yeah well to be honest because i feel like our fans our listeners uh sort of get a bit carried away at an occasion like this they go all right we're gonna get in

there we're gonna have some some pre-drinks and then we'll get there we'll have some drinks before the show and then they get in there and they see tommy show and there's a bit of a break and then they're at peak performance of being drunk when my solo show is on so they really sort of outdid themselves for me and then i saw a bit of drop off for the actual podcast which they're all supposed to be there i reckon a couple of dozen had gone home by then like they were just too drunk yeah too drunk yeah well yeah so my my show my hour show that i did is like it touches on a bit of mental health stuff and a lot of people in the break like hey man i really related to that so like thanks for getting up and saying that stuff

and it's like yeah dude you're at a podcast I could have guessed poor mental health was gonna like strike a chord with like 95% of this room I should have done a bit of my show about not using deodorant that would have really really really hit a nerve. Well, I can't say that protein bar is pure sugar. Oh, really? Yeah, can you break me off a little? It's not really made for sharing, is it? Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, yeah, it looks like it.

Everyone get into it. Thanks, Rob. I do not believe there is one gram of protein inside this protein bar. Well, I've always wondered about this sort of stuff because I go to the gym and I'm not going there and fucking going crazy obviously. But I get the powdered stuff that you then mix with milk or sugar or whatever and it's just a milkshake. And I go, this tastes nice. But is it anything or is it just quick?

Is it just chocolate quick? I don't know. I want to go hard on the supplements. You and I should start doing steroids. That would be sick if just all of a sudden, without announcing it, just in all the photos of the episodes each week, we're like absolutely fucking, we've both got our

shirts off every time we do a pod and we're just like fucking ripped beyond belief. Like veins poking out of the neck kind of shit. That is what I'm too old for. Going topless. Yeah. I want to get, yeah, man. Like it's not even about, for me, I want to get on the roids.

It's not even about building muscle. It's just more about shrinking my dick. Oh, right. I just want my dick to get smaller. The muscles are just like kind of an unfortunate side effect. I'm just all about acne on the back. That's all. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's too smooth. It freaks me out. My fitness goals, getting to 20 centimeters. It's too big. It's right down there. Right down there. Nothing matters. Yeah.

It's understandable. Well, yeah, this is another thing a couple people said to me last night because I've been going to the gym since the start of the year. You're looking very good too, Tommy. Thank you. There you go. Thank you, Chaz. At the end, that's all I was Tommy. Thank you. There you go. Thank you, Chaz. The end.

That's all I was after. How much weight have you lost? I feel like this is a period in comedy, at least in Melbourne comedy, all the people we know. I think a lot of people have lost weight. Everyone's getting fit. Yeah. You can't just be like fat and happy anymore.

Yeah. It's a new thing. Everyone found out that fat isn't as fun as it looks. Being fat looks fun. Yeah. It depends where you're at in your life though. Like, you know, like with Dilruch losing all that weight. Dilruch who? Jones.

Like sure we bullied him a lot about it on the show but like he, you know. Speak for yourself, man. I was nothing but encouraging. He was, you know, he's successful. Do you know what I mean? Like you want to be like Jack successful. Do you know what I mean? Like you want to be like Jack Black. Do you know what I mean? Where it's like it so suits him being fat and he's like wealthy enough

and famous enough from being a fat guy that like he never has to change. It just occurred to me on that note, have you ever met a fat comedian who's not loud? Oh, like a fat introvert. Yeah. What about Ron Funches in America? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's an exception.

You're right. They seem to go hand in hand, being fat and loud. Yeah, you think of you, Jack Black, you think of Chris Farley, people like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you're right. That is a common match-up. So there you go.

If you're thinking about starting comedy a common match-up. So there you go. If you're thinking about starting comedy, if you want an edge, if you want to do something a bit different, be fat and quiet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what? I can't think of a fat mime. You're right. Yeah, so that's great. If you're like a loud guy who's like thin, you're now going, okay,

I've either got to put on weight or I've got to shut the fuck up. Imagine how many times a week Charlie Chaplin had to hit the gym because he couldn't get away with being a big fat asshole. Do you think Charlie Chaplin was shredded? Do you think he fucked? Do you think Charlie Chaplin fucked? Yeah, he fucked, but in silence. No dirty talking, no talking at all.

One of those intense ones, yeah. Yeah, sure. The great dick tater. Nice. But yes, anyway, people kept coming up to me last night and going, you're looking good. You've got shoulders now. What the fuck does that mean?

Like five people said that to me. Really? You've got shoulders. Like I was just this fucking, what did I look like before? I always remembered you as having no arms. So, yeah, that checks out. I got the transplant right before the Sydney show and it's paid off. That's obviously meant as a compliment,

but I don't quite understand what the difference is. I guess they mean like I've got a bit of mass on my shoulder, but I don't know. Like I, like, you know it's a hard thing. It's just like the brag podcast or something. Yeah. The woman I was in the middle of bedding was like – By the way, he's bragging about the basic minimum of fucking biology

which is to have the necessary body parts to have arms attached. Yeah. Like I – yeah, I don't get it because I don't know. I don't know if you find this with yourself like if you've tried to lose weight or working out or whatever, where it's like it's gradual for you. Do you know what I mean? Like you see yourself every day. So when people point out something, it's like I don't know.

Like I actually don't know. I can't confirm you have shoulders. Thank you. Okay, cool. I mean they're playing a big role in me holding the microphone. But see, that's cool for you because you've gone from, I don't know, have you lost like 10 kilos? I don't know.

Stupidly, I never owned scale. I got scales like two months into going to the gym. So I don't know what I was weighing before I went. I would assume 5 to 10. Yeah, okay. Yeah, that sounds about right. I would assume that. Are you on a low-carb thing?

I've been going at F45, dude. Oh, my God. Who the trainers found out that I do comedy and it has been a fucking nightmare. Like literally me on the bike and one of the trainers coming up and going, tell us a joke. Oh, God, I hate this. This is the fucking worst. And like I saw on her Instagram that she plays AFL on the weekends.

So she'll come in and go, tell me a joke. And I'll go, oh, yeah. I'll go, oh, no. And she's like, why not? And I'm like, no. And then like the next time she comes around, I'll go, hey, kick a goal. She's like, what do you mean? Like actually gets offended by it.

It's so fucking weird in there now. It's the worst. I don't. I have a personal trainer and I, you know, I treat him the same way I do when I go through customs. I don't write, I do comedy. I write designer or whatever. Designer? Yeah, because I just don't want to deal with whatever.

You don't go to Panda. That's me. Well, what do you put? You don't put comedian, do you? I put writer. Right, right. But see, we've talked about this when you get like Uber drivers or hairdressers

or whatever like what do you do and I thought writer was just but then people go writer of what and it's like I gotta come up with a lie

I gotta say I write fucking horrors or something I write stuff yeah well that's why I put designer because there's no further questions with designer

what do you design no no people are not that interested people are not that people are not that interested that's good on the customs form writer like what do you write you're like well I wrote that People are not that interested. People are not that interested. That's good on the customs form, right? Like, what do you write? You're like, well, I wrote that on the form.

That's me. Oh, yeah, yeah, because that's what you want to say to security people in the airport. Just stir shit. I've been hanging with Sam Campbell a bit and every time we get into – Comedian Sam Campbell, he just won the Melbourne Comedy Award. Every time we get into an Uber, I think one time it was like Becky Lucas was sitting at the front, Sam Campbell in the left seat and me in the right seat.

And the moment we get in, he goes, we're comedians. Get the game away a little. That's the thing is that it's like, yeah, if you know there's a chance that you might bring it up, you may as well just do that. You may as well just like get in to the cab wearing a shirt that says comedy. So I say to my personal trainer, you know, I see him once or twice a week and it's always, you know, you've got to have that talk and whatever. And he's a good guy.

And so you've got to, you know, he asks enough questions. Oh, what are you doing today? And, you know, what are you going to do tonight? And you've got to start talking about your life and what you do. So I very gradually sort of the comedy bit came out, but I never said I did it. You came out to him? Very gradually.

I came out of the comedy closet. Occupation, gay. And now we can get married. Imagine. Oh, that's so good. So I eventually sort of said to him, I run these, I write for some TV shows and I run some comedy shows. And so he eventually sort of.

Fucking hell. All of a sudden you're giving him the whole CV. No, that's not the whole CV though. So I was telling him those bits. So then he was like, oh, I should come to a show. I'm like, absolutely. Come and you can come to whatever show you want. And so he eventually went, okay, I can do this date.

I'm like, man, come along. You can be my guest. I'll bring you in. I'll get you some drinks. Oh, great. Very big of you. Yes. Thank you.

Be my guest to the thing that I run. Yeah, well, that's nice. Yeah, yeah, sure. Because that's the thing. I'm in that position sometimes with Pete where you, when it's a professional relationship and you go, I'll put you on the door, I'll give you a free thing or whatever. And then you're like, hang on a minute. It's not like this asshole's giving me free personal training sessions.

Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Anyway. No, but to be fair, he was a good guy about it and he went, oh, okay, I'll give you a free thing or whatever and then you're like, hang on a minute, it's not like this asshole's giving me free personal training sessions. Yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Anyway. No, but to be fair, he was a good guy about it and he went, oh, okay, I'll give you personal training. Oh, there you go. Yeah, yeah. So he's a good guy.

He's a good dude. This is the same guy that in my first personal training I got naked and was spewing on the toilet floor. But anyway, we've come a long way in this relationship. Which happened to you again the other day, you were telling me. No, not quite that bad, but I was close. Yeah. I was pretty defeated.

But anyway, so he came along to this show, and it just happened to be he came along to this show that, again, I think someone couldn't host or whatever, so I hosted. I jumped up and went, all right, fuck, I'm not. You weren't wearing shorts, were you? No, absolutely not. Never. Summer's a brutal time for you at your gigs. Booking people last minute, they're all in shorts.

Oh, man, especially down at Comedy at the Sahara. That's a brutal time for you at your gigs. Booking people last minute and they're all in shorts. Oh, man, especially down at Comedy at the Sahara. That's a tough one. I'm going to orchestrate a night where I somehow make it so that no one else can do your gig and then I'm going to turn up wearing just a towel and see what you do. He comes in, I get him a drink, he goes up the back with his girlfriend, whatever, and then I hop up as host and just start like rinsing everyone in the crowd and whatever. And he's like going – he comes up at the break and goes,

you know how we've been doing this for six months or whatever? You never told me you do comedy. Right. And so he just sees me hop up for the first time and go, where do you come from? Fuck off. What about you? What's your name?

That's fucked. What about this? What about – and he's like, man, that was – and he goes – and he was like literally like, yeah, man, that was. And he goes, and he was like, literally like, yeah, some of that was pretty funny. And I'm like, I know you think that's a compliment, but you're saying some of it is funny. The purpose was all of it was meant to be funny.

Yeah. Fuck. Some of your training is effective. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That'd be an easy heckle for me. I'd be able to go, look at me.

I've been going to you for fucking 12 months. I'm not Arnold Schwarzenegger. What the fuck are you doing wrong? I thought you were going to say the end of it was like him saying, you know, like he comes and sees it and he's like kind of holding back on you in the gym thinking like you're pretty mild-mannered. And then you're up on stage just being a complete cunt and he's like, oh, I'm going to go harder on this guy.

He's just like smashing you in the gym. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that would be good. I do go to the same gym as Luke McGregor. Luke McGregor goes to the gym? Yeah, well. Everyone is doing this now. Me and him are probably not a great ad for that gym.

No, he has stopped going to the gym. He just moved out. So he's no longer in that area anymore. But yeah, I think his girlfriend enrolled him in that gym with a thought to, he's going to go to the gym. And then he was like, no, I'm not. Nah. That's not his scene.

You can't force that. Yeah. I was going to say that it's interesting the way you're talking about change to your personal trainer because I just wouldn't interact with, like I'm just not a chatter. Like you talk about the Uber situation and I don't even want to know what my uber rating is because i just refuse to talk right like i'm not in a snobby way like i just i just i just hate small small talk i'm the same yeah yeah yeah and so like and so and you get these drivers who are very very chatty and i'm just

trying to do whatever i can to not talk you know like and i will yeah i'll give them as little as i can i gotta be rude about it but it it's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're sort of being – you're not saying actual English. You're just going, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, when they say something. And then you put the headphones on and then sometimes they keep on talking even when you've got the headphones on. And so they whip out the laptop and they're still talking. And like you're just – I don't know how far you push it, Tommy, but like I'll get to the point.

Literally, this is not bullshit. I have literally once put down the window, looked out the window while I have a laptop and headphones on and started singing along with the song I'm supposed to listen to to get them to shut the fuck up and he still didn't shut up. And I'm pretty sure I did get one star. No, you're my hero. Chucking the headphones on when you get in, that is huge.

Well, yeah. I'd never have the confidence to do that. That is an absolutely wild move. I love it. I love it. You're a person more in the public eye than us. Are you getting Uber drivers that recognise you? Not as many as I'd like.

Ex-cancer patients, you piece of shit. I'm making my own make-a-wish here. I'm going to drive you to the wrong fucking joint. Yeah, there's kind of conflicting emotions here, Carl, because on one hand I'm an introvert and don't like talking to people. On the other hand, I don't want to be incredibly unsuccessful in my public career. So I'd like to be recognised but not recognised at the same time.

You're an Uber driver, just a 2GB listener. So what's the address I'm taking you to? That's right. Take me to Alan Jones' place. And as you heard up the top of the show, once again the show is sponsored this week by Vans, sneakers, and Marvel comic books, Coming Together at Last.

Carl, how do you feel about that? I love Coming Together at Last. Totally. Love that stuff. I think that's the slogan for this campaign, Coming Together at Last. Yeah, great stuff. We've got some pairs of sneakers ourselves,

which we're very much enjoying. Yeah, we got hooked up. That was very cool of them. Yep. And yes, this is these two iconic brands coming together, sharing their rich heritage, which is rooted in creative expression and empowerment. Coming together and rooted. Who wrote this ad?

Me? This is the sexiest sneaker campaign I've ever seen. Yeah, they've joined forces and they're launching their biggest collaboration to date. It's an extensive range of co-branded footwear, apparel and accessories featuring a roster of iconic personas including the Avengers, Captain Marvel, Deadpool, Iron Man, the Hulk and more. So you've got your classic

Vans designs with these great iconic characters that you know and love. If you head over right now to vans.com.au slash planet broadcasting and answer the question, which superhero would be the best skateboarder and why you could win three pairs of shoes from this collection. You've got until the 15th to do it, midnight,

so that's real soon. You'd better get on it if you want a chance to win these shoes. So I had my guess last time. Who's your guess of who's going to be the best at skateboarding out of? What about, you know, what if Bruce Banner was skateboarding, right, and then he turns into the Hulk while he's skateboarding? Do you think it would be like the shorts where the skateboard grows with him?

Oh. The Hulk looks like he's, you know, with the three-quarter pants that he's got on. He looks like a skateboarder. Yes. Yeah. That is, yeah, the Hulk with like the three-quarter pants and then just like a wallet chain coming out the back of it. Yeah, that would be cool.

That's my answer. Okay. The Hulk with a wallet chain would be the best skateboarder. I'm sure I've said this on the show before, but this is one of my favourite Marvel-based stories. Oh, here we go. Yeah. A good friend of mine, when he was growing up,

he thought that the Incredible Hulk was not called that at all, but he thought it was a character called Creta the Hulk. He thought the Hulk was called Creta. The person's name was Creta. Yeah. I love that. And he was a Hulk. Right.

Yeah. So just a big guy called Creta. Called Creta. Well, that's what people have to answer for this competition. They're not going to win because the people at bands are just going to get all these answers of creta and go the fuck's this well it sounds a bit more skateboarder anyway so creta the hulk um yeah he's he's the he's the marvel tony hawk yeah that's great so hopefully vans are happy enough with the work that we've done for them that they end up wanting to collab with us yeah and then we could have like a you know a

creta backpack or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then who's better at skateboarding, Tom? Your car. Yeah. Yeah, check out the shoes, guys. If you're into comic books, they are. The collection looks really great.

They've done some really great work. I got a pair of the classic checkerboard slip-ons with some big disgusting Hulk, Creta Hulk feet sticking out of them. Ah. Is everything Creta? So, yeah, go check that out. Vans.com.au slash planet broadcasting. Get in the competition.

And that's it. We're going to go back to the episode now. Bye-bye, Ad. I had a bizarre interaction in my house the other day, in the share house I live in. Our kitchen sink was backed up and it was like you'd pour a bit of, you know, you'd rinse something off in the sink and the whole sink would fill with water.

It would take like two hours to drain out. So we get onto the landlord, we get a plumber around. This plumber comes in and he walks in and he's like, oh, I can't get to the pipes from here. I'll try this. And he's got this big like black bottle of like this intense like toxic sort of stuff. He opens it up, empties like all of it down the sink and there's like,

you know, there's smoke coming out of the sink. Like it's like steam coming out. What? Smoke coming out of your sink? Yeah, it's like heavy. Like he's trying to just like dissolve whatever's like backed up in there. It's like steam coming out. What? Smoke coming out of your sink? Yeah, it's like heavy. He's trying to just dissolve whatever's backed up in there. It's like some intense chemical, like fucking skull and crossbones on the bottle kind of thing.

Pulls all of it in, smoke coming out, waits literally three seconds, pulls out the plunger and starts plunging at the sink. All of this black stuff comes spraying out of the sink, goes all over him. He goes, oh, fuck, it burns, and then runs out into my backyard, gets the hose, turns the hose on himself going, fuck, why did I do that? Fucking hell. That's the dumbest thing I've ever done.

Like literally takes his pants off. Like it's covered in this black corrosive shit. Really escalating. Man, it's all over the floor of the kitchen. Like it's stained the countertop. Like the whole thing is fucked. Then he's like, oh man I gotta go do other jobs now. And he's like literally just walking around my house

in his underpants. He's like have you got shorts you can lend me? And I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh go have a look. Carl's going, no mate, you need to plumb in long pants. What are you doing? Have some respect. Yeah, he came in. I was like, I would rather plumb myself having absolutely no skills to do so.

So I go and get him these shorts and I'm like, here you go. And he goes, oh, thanks so much. And then I leave the room to text everyone I know telling them I'm in the middle of the most insane thing that's ever happened in my house. I come back in and he's standing there still in his underpants and he goes, oh, the shorts didn't fit me. And he's just chucked them on the ground in a puddle of like the fucking black acid shit that's all over the floor.

Oh, man. Ends up with me giving him a towel to like leave the house in. What? So then he's turning up to the rest of his plumbing jobs for the day just wrapped in a towel. Like he's going to a fucking toga party or something. Yeah. He surely must have gone home.

He couldn't have just gone to another job in a towel. That's what he was saying. There is another way, I feel. He was like begging me to help him. He's like, I've got to go spend the rest of the day like this. So yeah. So he was much bigger than you or smaller than you? He couldn't fit into your pants?

He was bigger. Right. Yeah, he was much bigger than you or smaller than you? He couldn't fit into your pants? He was bigger. Right. Yeah, he was bigger. So then, and that's the other thing, just like looking at me on site going, knowing that he's like way bigger than me, can I have a pair of your pants? Like how do you think this is going to – because first of all I said no. Well, you don't want to give anyone your pants, but you don't want someone to split them either.

Yeah, exactly. Well, first of all he goes, can you lend me a pair of shorts? And I go, oh, no. And he goes, oh, well, that's fucking great, isn't it? Like, yeah, this is my fault. Yeah, yeah. No, this is what you want. You want a plumber to be walking around fucking bottomless in your house. It's all part of your master plan. In his little fucking tiny whities, yeah. So then, yeah. So then by the time he leaves and he had, like, the sink wasn't backed up anymore. So I was like, okay, well, at least that worked. Very next day I'm out of the house.

My housemate texts me. Yeah, the sink's backed up again. So all that to not even fix the job. There's a pair of shorts down in the fucking back. He's picked a black shit off the floor and then pump it down. But you know those moments where it's like you just wish that you had like CCTV in your house? Like him pouring the stuff down and three seconds later getting

the plunger out. I know nothing about plumbing. I know absolutely nothing at all about it. But even I was like, I reckon this is wrong. Like I don't reckon he should be doing this. And then this black shit spewing out and going all over him. Like I fucking, I just wish I could show that footage. Like there's a TV here in this room we're in.

Like describing it doesn't do it justice it was absolutely fucking wild like so good you didn't sound very good yeah but then so this is the weird thing i'd emailed the real estate agent and then so he just like turned up like without any like without calling ahead right he just rocked up he's like oh i'm the plumber and then the next day i get a call from a different guy who's like, oh, I'm the plumber from the real estate agent. Oh, no. What?

I'm just trying to make an appointment to come in. I'm like, who the fuck was this guy? That would be the weirdest perversion. Get off on being a plumber. Just someone cosplaying as a plumber. It's like a pretty common issue to have with a house. If you just go door to door like up a street and go,

oh, I'm the plumber, odds are pretty good that you're going to find a place where they're like, yeah, cool. Three times out of ten. It's a porn thing. It's got to be a porn thing.

He wanted you to fuck him. That's why he's asking. That's why his pants are on. That's why his pants are on. That's what it makes sense. You really fucked that up, Tom. You were in an episode of Undercover Porno.

Imagine if you did that and the guy wants you to actually fix his scene. Can I borrow your shorts? Can I get a look at them in your bedroom? Can I come in and have a look? Oh, man. Fuck, yeah. Well, you're saying, I wish I had footage of it. Well, fucking so do we.

So we could sell that footage to Brazzers or whatever it's called. Don't pretend that you don't know what that is. Oh, I'd better accidentally mispronounce it. I think I have a sweet alibi there. Prawn Hub or whatever the site's called. Oh, dear. Jenny, porno, what have you got? Yes or no.

What does that mean? Porn, yes or no. Is that what you were asking, Tommy? Yeah. You're a young guy. Am I into it? I'm a big fan of porn. Can I see it?

What are the kids these days like in a porno? Because you're young and you would have grown up with it just readily available constantly. I was born on a porn set. That makes sense, Aaron Jamison. Reference to your mum being Jenna Jamison. You've really shown your age there. But you've got to think of someone that would possibly be his mother in age.

They don't really have names anymore, do they? They're famous porn people. Yeah, because everything's just chopped up on those sites. There's no one making big money on it anymore, is there? I tell you what, I reckon, sorry, don't let me interrupt you talking about your porn habits now, Aaron, because I know you want to talk about that. I can tell.

But I reckon that porn has become tamer over the last 20 years. Like when the internet first started, I think porn was a lot more intense and insane. I know that when me and my friends at uni would go, okay, what's the worst thing we can find on the internet? Like it was when the internet was young. And you go, okay, let's get – you get videos of people having sex with dolphins.

What? Yes sex with dolphins. What? Yes, with dolphins. I actually watched someone having sex with a dolphin. Was this the first ever chaser sketch? You guys at uni, what's the weirdest porno you can find? And then you get dressed up as a dolphin yourself. End of sketch. There you go.

Was this like made by Greenpeace and they thought they were helping? I'm pretty sure there was no positive intent. But yeah, and you could see all kinds of bestiality videos. You could see all kinds of illegal stuff, which I won't go into because I'm already in enough trouble in this podcast. But like if you go to a porn site now, you don't find that shit. You just find just people just doing doggy style or whatever. I feel like the imagination has gone out of porn.

I miss the dolphin videos. That's what I'm saying, guys. Bring back the dolphin videos. And we don't want to offend any listeners. No offence to doggy style. Great position, great to do, great to watch. You know, just got to clear the air there. Is it just me?

That's a very nice way of describing people having sex with animals. Well, they were more imaginative back then. That's like a bit crazy. Fuck, Carl. What can I say? Isn't it crazy that bestiality has a term? We came up with a name. You know what I mean?

Why are we sugarcoating it? It's just like a guy fucking an animal. Why are we going to be like, you know, when we're talking about it with Nan, we need a nice term for it just to kind of cushion it. No, I think it's more of a thing where you don't want to go to court and go this bloke rooted a dog

it's like can't you put some Latin in there somewhere or something you know we've started talking about fucking

animals a lot on this show really stop am I being unoriginal when I'm talking about this I'm sorry

I'm fine for you to take the lead I don't want to mention it I just feel like porn's been McDonaldized I don't think you to take the lead. I don't want to mention it. I just feel like porn's been McDonaldized. Come on, it's on.

I don't think you're looking hard enough. Carlos, anything you want to tell us about brazzers? No, brazzers. Brazzers. So dainty. I would have thought that there's a lot of, you know, this is the age where you can find anything. I might be wrong.

I mean, I would have thought there's even more out there now and you can still find what you've watched in the archives. I think it's like the front pages of those sites are like, hey, you know what, this is like entry-level shit. You know, we've got to kind of keep it. We've got to cater to all tastes. But then if you go digging through the tabs. There was some kinky fucker listening to this going,

Chaz, you are just a bitch. You know what, you just can't find it. You just need the right key term, which is dilf. Dolphin, I'd like to find. We're just using the music was better in the past, but for porn. That's what we're doing. That's what we're doing. You need to find the gold FM in porn.

That's what you need to find. It's why the people that complain about Triple J, it's all just hip-hop and electro shit now. It's like imagine feeling that way about fucking Brazzers. It's all just like doggy now, you know. It used to be anal and stuff. Like, it was so much cooler back then. Oh, man, you're just too old for Brazzers now.

That's the point, you know. I don't even vote in the hottest 100 of cum anymore. The porn stars these days just don't have the authenticity I find. You know what? I enjoyed – I had a cousin. I have a cousin. Here we go. I enjoyed I had a cousin I have a cousin

here we go I have a cousin that used to be I believe he used to be really into porn and he used to tell me all the all the

he knew all the backstories and he knew all the biographies of all the performers and everything and I used to play golf with him and we'd do it and this literally happened I didn't know you played golf

by yourself this is fight club this is porn club And this literally happened. I didn't know you played golf by yourself. This is Fight Club. This is Porn Club. Carl in a mirror talking to himself about porno. No, listen. So I was playing with my cousin and we'd do 18 holes and then by the time I'd gone around, and that's like two hours of golf or whatever,

and he'd be telling me the history of all his performers and how everything worked and whatever. And I'd be like, okay, cool. I'm into this into this story right and so i'd hear it for like two hours and by the end of it he'd worked both of us up to a state where he was like you know what let's this is in marabou he's like let's drive to melbourne right now and go to club x and get some of these movies that i'm talking about i'm like okay i'm in for it and like we would spend two hours on the golf course, then two hours in the car going to Melbourne, and then him walking around Club X at midnight in Melbourne going, oh, yeah, there's Jenna Jamison's new one, and let's grab that one.

And then fucking all of a sudden we're driving home in the middle of the night at 2 o'clock with a bunch of pornos. Pornos, yeah. And then that's when I was also going to school in Ballarat, but I think I was on holidays. So then we get like an hour on the way home. It's like 1 a.m. And we're going through Ballarat and he's like, you live there, don't you?

I'm like, yeah. Oh, let's pop in there and just watch a bit for a little bit. Oh, you can't watch porn with someone else. Yeah, then I'm watching porn with my male cousin at 1 a.m. Someone you relate to. With your male cousin? I thought it was a chick. So we're watching a little teaser at 1am and then going,

all right, let's drive home to Marabar together in silence and okay. That is the most bizarre, like, yeah, a full hour, like a what, a five-hour session of talking about and obsessing about porn with no release. That's like tantric. That's sick. That's actually sick. Very sting-like, that whole episode was.

Yeah, that's one of those, yeah, better concept than execution. Like scenarios, I think, five hours of doing that, you go, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I will say this, though. At the very least, you just pointed to it there, the good thing about porn places, at least they're open late at night. Yes. Because as you say, I stay up very late at night.

I'm always trying to like – Find porn places that are open. Well, not those porn. I'm trying to do something like get a snack, for instance. And it's like – I don't know if you find this in Melbourne, but me personally in Sydney, if I want to get a snack from a server or something, you can't walk in. Why?

They've got these – they're for security systems. You need to order at the window. Oh, what? And then the person then goes in and gets it for you and then comes back. I didn't know this. Yeah, and it's so fucking – it just drives me crazy because I like the brows. I like to pick up pineapple nerds. Yeah, look at all this stuff.

You didn't know you wanted it until you walked in. Absolutely. And so you get to – I do like the idea of you going in at 3 a.m. and knocking on a window and going, can you get me some green nerds, please? Well, that's the thing. I know I want some kind of protein bar, but I don't know what they've got.

So I go, okay, can you bring back every protein bar you've got so I can choose? And it's like I understand why you're doing this. I understand that you don't want to get robbed. Do I look like a robber to you? I look like a homeless guy. Not like a burglar. And literally there was a time a few weeks back

where I actually lost my temper a little bit because I was keen to get that protein. Yeah, you didn't have that sugar in you. Yeah, exactly. I need the sugar. And I actually was like, look, I understand, mate, you don't want to get robbed. Here, let me take my shirt off.

I don't have a gun. Let me in, please. Which, of course, is more reason to not let you in. There's a man who wants nerds who's taking his shirt off. Why do I want him in my store? I'll prove to you that I don't have a switchblade strapped to my cock. Here it is. See, I'm not packing.

I'm completely clean. He got more scared. It didn't really work out. But it's very annoying. It's very frustrating to me. I'll go walking for half an hour at 2 a.m. to try and find myself a chocolate bar and you get 20 questions from the window. Yeah, yeah.

Like, what the – Man, well, this may explain – like, so we're going to Koh Samui. We're doing a little podcast festival in Koh Samui. You may have mentioned it on the show before, but we're very, very close to going. And so I've been – I'm sure, Tommy, you're a little bit the same as this, but I've been trying to eat really well and exercise even more just so that when we're on the beach, in a pool in front of 300 other listeners, we don't look like absolute pieces of shit and have everyone else fat-shaming us or anything like that.

Carl, you're also looking very good. Thank you. I'm trying. I'm trying. You've got a neck. Yeah. Thank you. I've got one shoulder so i've been actually and i'm very much a sweet tooth like yourself not quite to your level i aspire to be there one day but um very much a sweet tooth so i've been getting getting off the

chocolate for a couple weeks and that's very rare for me i'm very keen on it and i i've man i've noticed an actual change where I didn't notice anything by not having it, but then I had like a piece of chocolate after a week of not having anything. I was like, fucking hell, I'm going insane. I'm having an actual reaction to it now. I've just been used to sugar all day, every day. I don't drink soft drinks, but rarely if I have a can of Coke,

like that's a big one where you're like, fucking hell, I can see through time. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah i've never been through you've never had that withdrawal you've never had long enough to notice it it sounds it sounds horrible i hope i never go through that chenny what's your vice yeah what's my vice vice oh the magazine i don't know. I'm on this no-carb thing as well that Dilruch's on. Oh, yeah. Seriously? Talking to the fucking microphone. What a sentence that I never thought was coming a year ago.

I'm trying to eat like Dilruch. I'm trying to eat like Dilruch. Yeah. I don't know what my vice is right now. But you're off the carbs, so you're off the pasta and the bread and all of that. Yeah, but it's tough. Once a week I'll go back now, but initially. Oh, I've got to ask you about this.

Two things about you. First of all, one of the first times I met you was at Splendour in the Grass. Yeah. Like I'd met you before, but like actually hanging out with you. Yeah. And we were hanging around backstage and I was talking to some people and you were like standing a little bit away from me and you went, hey, Tommy.

And I looked over and you just dabbed and then walked off. I was like, all right, I'm into this. This is great. And then I went to Shanghai at the end of last year. Oh, fuck yeah. Yeah, and you sent me a bunch of recommendations and you said, go to this place that does dumplings. It's the best.

And so it was like a half hour walk from where I was staying and I got there and it was the most like prohibitive, like absolutely no chance of getting served or a table if you're English speaking. Really? Like it was the most, yeah. And like in my head I was like, I reckon this little prick did this on purpose.

Like I reckon he's fucking pranked me. It was that little joint. It kind of looks like a diner or something. It was like a Xiaolongbao place. Yeah, no English menu. Like me trying to get people's attention because they're kind of racist there. And you didn't eat there. I couldn't.

I just stood there waiting to get a table and they would not see me. Yeah, you have to – in China it's just like you have to force yourself into situations. Right. I was trying to be like a respectful traveller, but yeah. If you come in and you're like, sorry, I don't really know what's going on. They're like, you fucking piece of shit. What are you doing?

Like I was trying to get my earplugs in like a 7-Eleven and I go in. I was like pointing at my ears like going, you know, like miming, like stuffing something in them. I'm thinking, well, I've broken through the language barrier this is protein bars in there they're gonna figure out what the fuck that means and the lady is just like shaking her head like just basically going get out what are you fucking doing so that wasn't i thought i honestly thought that was you fucking with me like you trying to send me the most like you have to be chinese to eat here it looked so good it looked great but i couldn't get them to serve me that you have to be Chinese to eat here. It's the best place. So now he's just rubbing it in. It looked so good.

It looked great but I couldn't get them to serve me. What are your tips about China? If we go, you know, give us some real tips. You're saying

we have to force ourselves into it to get served? Yeah, everyone, because there's so many people in Shanghai maybe, not maybe. Well,

I'm going to Hong Kong in like a week. Hong Kong's different. Yeah, that's like English China. Yeah. Yeah. It's like another English city.

Yeah. With Asians. Yeah. Sick. Just like being in a big China town. Yeah, exactly. For like a week. Nice.

Yeah, that's what I want. That's good. China city. That'll... Yeah. Yeah. You're going to Hong Kong? Yeah.

Hong Kong's fun. I'm honking it up. Are you like a China expert? How much have you been to China yeah I went for a couple of days there you go so you've been there less than that

yeah you're working on their version of tonightly trying to get some stuff up hey we'd better wrap it up for another week on the little dum-dum club Chas and Aaron Chen

thank you very much for joining us. Thank you so much. Thank you. Chas, you got anything you'd care to plug? Well, we're in the Planet America offices. That's right, yeah. You can watch Play America and see something that's not at all funny at all at 9pm on Friday nights.

Well, American politics is funny, but it's a news show that we occasionally make a joke on. Exactly. You're still being funny. I'm still there, but probably more newsy than comedy. People who listen to this podcast are used to things not being funny. That's true. But having said that, I'll tell you what.

Fuck Planet America. Baby.got.snack on Instagram. There we go. I promise I will start updating it again. Is this part of you doing a press junket just for your Instagram account? This is my entire press junket. But maybe I've got a snack. Man, if you pump that up and you start getting sponsorships with Cadbury or fucking whoever,

that would be your dream. Oh, absolutely. I would just quit the ABC tomorrow if I could do that. You get in the pocket of big chocolate. That would be your fucking dream. There's those, you know, like HelloFresh and stuff where they send you food. There's like a version of that for snacks. Really? Yeah, yeah. And they send you like different weird, obscure, like HelloFresh and stuff where they sell you food? There's like a version of that for snacks. Really?

Yeah, yeah. And they send you like different weird obscure like American candies and stuff. I think a lot of them are just like ex-stock from like show bags that didn't sell. Oh my God! How do you not know about this? Just getting a different Morrow bar every day. Bernie Beedle, bring him on down. Yeah, look it up.

Please send me the link. I'm definitely going to do it. Yeah, well, you can do it yourself. Cheney, what have you got? Anything you'd like to plug? No, just the handles. Yeah, Aaron, you've got some weird username on Twitter, right? AaronCH3N.

Right. Aaron Chen, with a three in 70. Wow, that's pretty hardcore. And Cheney Lifestyle on Instagram. You've got a very good Twitter account, I gotta say. Thank you so much. Been working on it for years. When the new season of Black Mirror dropped,

I did some snarky Black Mirror tweets and then you did a tweet, which a lot of people were doing, and then the next day you did a tweet like, oh, what's worse, Black Mirror or comedians tweeting about how bad Black Mirror is? And a bunch of people sent it to me going, like, are you going to respond to this? Like, thinking that it was, like, you having, like, a targeted attack at me. It's like, no, a lot of people are tweeting about Black Mirror.

Yeah, I was just mucking about. I respect every comedian and every decision they make. All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening And we'll see you next time See you mate And another wonderful time Had by all

We are back The sprightly Energetic voices That you know and love We've dragged ourselves Out of the gutter We've had a bit of a nap That's a sign

That's a sign of Some great podcasters Where You know what That's like in sports A great podcasters where, you know what, that's like in sports, a great team if you can go out and you can still win the game at 75%. Yes, yes. That's us.

Still get the job done, still have a good episode, even when we're not firing on full cylinders. That's a sign. We're a big chance of winning the podcasting championship this year. Is that still a thing where it's like coaches encourage players to not go and have sex the night before a game? That's like us. We're going out and copping mad routes all night long and

still winning. Yes. Yeah, that's guilty. But yeah, great episode. Yeah, we really pulled one out of the hat with this one. Pulled one out of the fire, I reckon. It was great. Yeah, it was fun. From what I remember, it was fun. It's funny telling people

like, oh yeah, the next day after the Sydney show we were real fucked and we had to get up early and go do an episode and people went wow you did that like that's so like people just genuinely impressed that we went and did it it's like yeah well this is a job like yeah yeah i mean if we had been smart we would have recorded it before we got all fucked up yeah exactly or we would have just not gotten all fucked up it's like it's not that impressive that we did it. It's actually unimpressive that we're so fucked that we were like, no, I mean, we have to get drunk. That's not an option.

That's just happening either way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the job that we do, we're going to do it under the influence slightly. Yes. Okay, so what have we got to talk about? As of next week, you're going to be hearing some very, very hot content. Yeah. Some tropical content.

Speaking of recording under the influence, you're about to get a big bunch of Koh Samui International Podcast Festival live shows from next week onwards. Hopefully, some of you will be here. They'll be there in Samui. Whoops, just gave away where we may be recording this little bit. Because we did talk about this before we started recording.

It's like, let's not talk about where we are. And then I was just thinking in my head, why? Like people can see the dates of this thing. Yeah, yeah. Like it starts today when this goes up. Yeah, okay, fair enough. We're in Samui. We're in Samui.

We're not going to bang on about it, but we're looking out over the pool right now. We recorded that episode that you just heard a week ago or so or a bit more, and we're just bookending it with this little bit now. Oh, this is a transcontinental episode. We record one part, then we go to another country and record the other part. Now I'm going to talk about all the food I ate on the plane. It was worse than normal food.

That ad that you heard in the middle, we recorded that in Russia. Flew over there just for a day to do that. That was recorded in pirate waters, so that was legal. Yep. This little mixing desk of ours, boy, it's seen some sights, hasn't it? You should have some postcards stuck to it or some stamps. Yeah, I regret not getting a little sticker for the bottom of it every time. Get someone who customs put a stamp on it every time.

I'm worried about it, to be honest. Like, fuck, we've had this thing for a long time. Yeah, maybe we should get another one. I think I really want to upgrade. I've been meaning to talk to you about that. And what better place to do it than on the air? I think we are well due for an upgrade. Let's get one here in Thailand.

Because also, we travel with this thing so much, and this is the most, you can get things that are like a quarter of the size of this that do the exact same job. Which personally, as the person who has to have this stuffed in their suitcase, I would greatly appreciate. Yeah. Just a tiny bit of us being in Samui is I've just been emailing the person who's doing the sound and lighting for our big party on Friday night,

the big Friday night Dum Dum Club pop-up bar party. And I can't get in touch with the guy, and he's finally come back to me and gone, we can go over the details later, but I'm DJing at La Mai Beach Republic today. So, yeah, can't get on to him. He's too busy ripping out some fucking classic tunes down there at La Mai Beach.

We should head down there. He's going to be like us. He's going to be fucked up trying to fucking work our thing after being fucked up At this party But anyway Yeah DJ Nick

DJ Nick Wow So pretty reputable Fuck he must have gotten in early To be able to get that one It's like people You know In the dot com boom

Sat on all these sweet domains Well you can't It seems like When you see DJs They can be lazy For some reason You can't get that With bands and stuff

Like you just see a lot Of DJ John DJ Eddie So you can't get that with bands and stuff like you just see a lot of dj john dj eddie so you can't you can't do that and be a like an acoustic guitarist or or a band that just calls ourselves the band a band well you know what i like is when um i you know most like solo musicians they just go by their name but then every now and then you'll get a solo musician that has a name as if it's a band right you know oh yeah i love like the streets yeah yeah yeah yeah bright eyes i'm pretty sure it's just one dude okay the beatles uh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that was a guy that was one guy called john ringo john paul john paul george ringo yeah like he's like a pope yeah pope john paul ringo george genuinely disappointed in myself that I couldn't immediately recall the names of the four Beatles.

That is a bit sad. That's a real pop culture failing on my part. That's bad. I don't like it when you hear about kids going, the beat who? It's like, just because you're born 15 years ago after the Beatles broke up, you're still allowed to know things that happened. Yeah, but don't you think that, like, surely you had that when you were a kid. It does take you a little while to get over the thing of, like, old stuff is bad.

I guess. But I think my attitude was more, oh, well, you've still got to know it, though. Yeah, sure. Sure. But, anyway. What about this? What about we do, you know, a big, look, hey, a big thank you to the people who are going to Koh Samui and are here

right now I imagine probably some of them listening to this on the plane on the way over hopefully that's cool

yeah maybe maybe yeah just about goes up Wednesday morning yeah they'd have to be

they'd have to be late comers and they'd have to be really keen to be downloading it first before getting on the plane smashing that airport wifi

yeah yeah well let us know if you listen to this on the plane. I still want to know who the last person who booked in was. There's a couple, like someone, I think, three or four days ago. Right. Booked a ticket. Yeah, but I think those are people that booked airfares

and booked a hotel and just decided to get their ticket last minute. So, yeah, there's a few of them. But, yeah, hey, look, if you think you're one of those people, hit us up and tell us the date that you booked your airfare and all that sort of stuff. We'd be interested to know. But, hey, so thank you to those people. Thank you to the normal people who are flying over to Koh Samui

who are just contributing monetarily. The normal people? Yeah. Well, I do think it's a little bit abnormal. And you see it in the posts. Like, people on social media go, fucking, I don't know why I'm doing this, i'm doing it yeah so that's fair yeah this is great and i'm excited and i've spent a lot of money on it but also i'm deeply embarrassed that i'm doing

it yeah yeah and and oh what do i say to my friends and family you know i had to say to them this and that and what so i mean it is it's not the most normal thing in the world to do but imagine doing that like booking a ticket to big Day Out and going like, oh boy, this is embarrassing. Spending a couple of hundred dollars to go and watch a band play in a park. Well, the first time that ever happened, it would have been. You're right. Actually, you're right.

So what you're saying is in like 10 years time, there'll be podcast festivals on like every Asian continent that you can imagine. There'll be one in Copenhagen. There'll be one in Koh Tao. There'll be one in Lamai. DJ Nick will be all over it DJ Nick's podcast festival Yeah

Just some sweet air horn drops Yeah That'd be good Okay well Thank you to all the Patreon subscribers If you guys didn't know Yes There is a way that you can

Give us a bit of A little bit of feedback Monetarily If you appreciate Well I mean You can't do negative feedback though Can you? You can't go to Patreon and go

I didn't like that last episode. Can I have some money back off you guys? They owe me money. Yeah. It's not a bad idea. So, thank you to everyone that continues to do that. Yes. We like to say thank you back by giving out bonus content.

You'll be getting a big shitload. Thank you to all the recent subscribers because you're about to get a lot of Thailand-related, a lot of Costa Mui-related content straight back at you, we're going to have to get off our sweet little heinies and produce a lot of extra content during the day, which really defeats the purpose of coming to Koh Samui for a holiday, but we're going to be working flat out. Yeah.

Well, you told me just before you're fucking off to an elephant sanctuary for half a day. Yeah, but that's work. There'll be lots of video and photos and stuff like that. Yeah, okay. Maybe I should come. Yeah, come. It's going to be good. Is it just – yeah, okay. Yeah, but that's work. There'll be lots of video and photos and stuff like that. Yeah, okay. Maybe I should come. Yeah, come. It's going to be good. Is it just, yeah, okay.

Is it just elephants? Yes. It's not DJs. No, I was going to ask who's going, but yeah. The listeners. Oh, really? Yeah, I'm actually in the middle of a bunch of listeners. They've all booked together.

There's like 30 of us or something. Oh, okay, right. Okay. So get on it. All right. Yeah, maybe we can host it. of us. Oh, okay, right.

Okay. So get on it. All right. Yeah. Maybe we can host it. Maybe we can ride an elephant and recreate the t-shirt that we made last year. We're not riding any elephants. Maybe we can do a director's commentary of the elephants.

I'm going to do a bit where I just go up to one of the keepers there and go, seriously, let's get down to brass tacks. How much to fuck one of these things? Yeah. Let's get down to ivory. Come on. How to fuck one of these things? Yeah, let's get down to ivory. Come on. Give me some of that trunk shit. Yeah, yeah. He thinks I'm going to ask about like some horrific question

about poaching. It's like, oh, no, it's far worse. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, how much to fuck this thing? Because you know that elephant's not going to forget it either. Look at it. Look at it. This thing is making my little dickie look like one of those big old tusks.

Yeah. Same sort of bend and everything. Nice. And I also stick peanuts into my dick sometimes. So that's a thing. And I let people ride it. Alright, I'm in. I'm coming. This has convinced me. You are literally coming.

If we can do shit like this the whole time we're looking at the elephants then I'm in. You're going to get a bunch of content like that about us talking about rooting elephants alive on the air. And the great thing is the people going will have heard this by then. So then it's just going to be me walking

around the elephant sanctuary with listeners coming up to me going are you going to ask if you can fuck it? Do it nice and loud. Is he asked yet? This is no way to live Yeah So thanks everyone for doing that You'll get your video

You'll get your audio You'll get your magazine All that sort of crazy shit You'll be swimming in content You'll know what to do with yourself Also Let's We also like to thank

Individually Some of these subscribers Some of these patrons, as it were. We're going to do that this week. Let's kick off right now. Hit up the old unplanned title alternator one more time. How many do we usually do? Because we should convert it into like, you know, tie.

Oh, is it like dollars? Yeah, a number's different over here. Well, I was going to do, I was actually going to do maybe, how much should we do? How many would you have done in Australian numbers? And then I'll look up the conversion into Thai. Okay, let's do maybe what? 25.

25, okay. Hang on. No, let's do 125. Oh, okay. Should I say that? So we've got to do 5.11 names. Oh, okay. Yeah.

All right. Should we round up? Round up or down? Up to you. It's your country. You make the call. No, I think we should do it exactly. Okay.

So what? 5.1? 5.11. 5.11. All right. Let's do that. So that's just like we'll do five and then we'll just say like two letters of another one. Yeah.

Great. All right. Let's get into it. Thank you to Patreon subscriber James Wilton. Ooh, Wilton. I tell you what, it's been pretty warm over here and I am absolutely Wilton in this heat. Great.

Done. Yeah? No. That's all right. It's fine. It's a thing. What would you have gone with? What would I have gone with?

Well, our bank accounts are doing the opposite of Wilting at the moment. That's pretty good. Thanks to James chucking in a sweet whatever the fuck he gave us. No disrespect meant, James. I just... The names come up without the dollar signs at the moment. That's the way it comes up on the old alternator. Well, you've got to pay.

It's got those in-app purchases where you've got to pay more to see the amount. And that's not really... I mean, who cares? Yeah. I mean, we do care. Well, we're spending half the money that you're giving us just by looking at that. Yeah, exactly. It defeats the purpose.

Yeah. Will. Wilton. It's an unusual purpose. Will, Wilton. It's an unusual name. I don't think I've ever heard that surname before. W-I-L-T-O-N? That's it. Great.

You nailed it. You've seen it before, baby, haven't you? Mm-hmm. This ain't my first rodeo. Is there any famous Wiltons in history? I don't think there is. There is now. This might be now officially the most famous Wilton being read out on a podcast.

Oh, no. Wow. Just imagine that going to the Wilton family Christmas dinner this year. Great. And they do that thing where, you know, they send out a newsletter, this is what we've done this year and whatever. Oh, one of us got read out on a podcast. Fuck those families that do that, by the way.

Those people that send out those, like, big letters to everyone they know. Does that still happen? I think there'd be some. There'd be people who email around, like, just pages and pages of every shit thing that their dumb ass kid has done this year i guess i just emailed that i was gonna say is it gone away pen pals where they don't really exist anymore because you've got the internet yeah face i mean social media is just basically one big pen pal yeah like twitter is just you yeah trying to find a pen pal that you'll go did you have a pen pal as a kid uh yeah i did i don't remember anything about them i remember having it but i don't remember anything trying to find a pen pal that you'll go back and forth with. Did you have a pen pal as a kid? Yeah, I did.

I don't remember anything about them. I remember having it, but I don't remember anything about them. I remember sending away for them, and it was through school or whatever, and you'd go, oh, you can get them from anywhere. It would be like America. Yeah. And then I think I got a couple. It was like America, England, and somewhere else. And it was like, cool, can you send me stuff from America?

Literally. Taking the piss. Yeah. No, like just going, can you send me like cool lollies that I've seen on TV or trading cards or whatever you got, just send it to me. They're like, okay. All right. I'll send you these AFL footy cards.

They're like, well, I don't fucking want that. Mine was a 57-year-old man called Damien who was in a sex offenses prison. Really? Yeah. And do you still keep in touch? Yeah. Hang on, did you meet... He's dropped off in the last couple of decades.

He doesn't seem that interested anymore. Okay, all right. And you had to send trading cards or pictures or what did you have to... Pictures, yeah, mostly pictures. Of what? Of me. Oh, okay. Just interested in the activities that I was doing in pictures. Of what? Of me. Oh, okay. Just interested in the activities that I was doing in school.

Yeah, yeah. Right. Yeah. Okay. Hey, weirdly enough, I was asking... Above the belt or... What? Above the belt or...

What do you mean? Well, there's no belt. There's no clothes on in the photos. Weirdly enough, I asked him for photos and he'd never do it. I'm starting to think he might not even have been a 57-year-old convicted sex offender at all. I think it might actually have been a 10 year old girl.

You fucked up a relationship you could have had. Wow. Oh, that's sad. Yeah. I was, you know what, I was literally thinking that the other day. I was thinking I had a crush on a girl in grade one, when I girl in grade one when i was in grade one also yes yes um let me make that very clear i'm gonna edit that out and just

to find a grab of you somewhere going yesterday so so i was just wondering and she moved away i think in grade one or grade two it's funny whatever happened if amanda searby if you're out there, Wow! Let me know. That's great. Let me know what's happened in the last 35 years. If she comes back to you

and she's like, Carl, I felt the same way and I've never gotten over it, would you leave your wife for it? Probably not. I'd say that. Oh, wow.

Big call. Although the picture I have in, you know how that, you think of someone when you're friends with someone back in grade one or grade two and you think of them now. You don't think of them as a tiny kid. You think of them, I guess, something like your age now maybe.

I have the opposite where it's like if I try and picture like whatever happened to that person, they're just frozen in my head as looking like a child. Okay. So it's like a child in an adult suit. Right. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. I don's like a child in an adult suit. Right. Oh, that's cool. Yeah.

I don't mind that. That is pretty cool. Yeah. I should get in touch with more people from school if that's what it's going to be. You just get to look at little kids in huge outfits like fucking David Byrne in Talking Head movie or something. That's cool. Great reference.

Yeah. Anyway, well, thanks, James. Thanks, James. And hello out there, Amanda. If you're there, let me know. Let me know what's happened. I'm excited about this. Yeah.

Well, she'll have a different name. Look, I remember her being real hot, so she won't have Seabee as her last name anymore. That'll be the maiden name. So it'll be a little bit harder to track her down. Internet detectives are going to have to do a lot of work. Yeah, yeah, please. But, you know, it could happen. Yeah.

If you think – I remember it being like strawberry blonde, you know. If you know someone called Amanda that's like maybe 41 or so. Strawberry blonde hair. Yeah. In grade one. Pretty hot. That might be the one. Yeah.

And if you think – you would have been real hot as a kid. Maybe that's her. Hit her up. Ask her. Did you used to you would have been real hot as a kid. Maybe that's her. Hit her up. Ask her. Did you used to be a seerbie? Great. All right, well. Cool.

Thanks, James. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Jess Mulroy. Mulroy. I'm mulling this one over. Yes, go on. I've got to say, oh, Roy, am I happy that I got the money. Right. That was alright. Wilton was better, which isn't saying much.

No, yeah. There'll be better, there's literally some better ones to play with. Thank God. Yeah, these are like doing laps I think at the moment. We're stretching, we're doing laps. Yeah, this is a warm up. Yeah, the next ones are, you know, that's when, say in training parlance, that's when we bring

the balls out after this one and start kicking it around. This is just us stretching and doing laps. Man, I'm ready to go. I am just waiting for that starter's pistol to fire off and then I am going to be off and racing. Yeah. Well, you know, look, it's half our fault, half their fault for not having amazing names to muck around with.

But Jess Mulroy. You know, Jess is a good name. Mulroy. I do like that as a surname. Mulroy. Jess is an attractive first name, I think. I agree. You don't see too many stinkers walking around with Jess as a first name, I think.

Do you disagree? What if you were obsessed with that as like a theory? So you just like, you just, every person, if they're like either really hot or a real, a real, you know. What? Ugly person. Hang on, I'm not keeping up with the kids slang these days. Took me a very long time to filter through the Rolodex of words in my head that aren't offensive.

Yeah, yeah. Everyone you see in the street, you're like, quick question, what's your name? Yeah. I've got a theory going on here. Yeah. Yeah, I'd love to do that. Great. Do a, what do you call it, like a news poll or something.

Just do some sort of market research where you just go, all right, someone walks by, what's your name? Amanda Searby, 10. Okay, that'll be good. So Amanda's all of a sudden go way up the charts, like get a better average because of that. Yeah. And you could do it like TV ratings.

They scale it up. So it's not like when they say these are the numbers. That's not actually the numbers of people that watch something. It's like... Yeah. So you could do... You literally just like... We'd do 100.

Yeah. Yeah. So you'd just find 10 hot people, write down their names, and then it's like there's 4 billion attractive Amanda's in the world. You can't do 100 because that's not a big enough sample because there's so many names out there. You need to do like a couple thousand actually. Yeah.

But I'm up for it. Yeah. If we've got a spare day somewhere. Yeah. Why don't we do that? Just sit on the sidewalk like one of those lemonade stands in the cartoons except it's just hot or not on there and you walk by give us your name and then we go uh-huh and then write a number down and they don't see what it is and see ya remember when you and i sat on the side of the road with a case of hummus

one day oh yeah trying to give it away. Yeah. On a hot day. On a hot day. It didn't go that well. After like a two-hour drive to pick up what we thought was mousse and was actually a pallet of hummus that then went off in my house. Good stuff. Thanks, Jess. Thanks, Jess. All right.

Here we go. All right. All right. I'm ready, baby. Thank you. Thank you to a recent-ish, well, they're all recent-ish, I guess, in a way, but this is an important subscriber because this is a subscriber in one of the top tiers. This is big money.

So this has got to be good. This is new money. Yeah, new big money. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Pat Kavanagh. Bang. I'm off and racing. Pat Kavanagh. More like Pat Kavacunt.

Fuck you. Yes. Victory. More like we can now enjoy Pat Kaviar with all the fucking money we're getting off this guy. Ah, yeah. You were right. This is good stuff. Yeah, Pate Kaviar.

Nice. Nice. Yeah. Nice. Man, this guy's stumping up 50 bucks a month. Pat Kavanagh. I reckon more like Pat Kava-yeah. See what happens when you put in extra money, guys?

Yes, you little ripper. Actually sounds like some sort of good horse in a horse race. And along the straight comes Pat Kavanagh. That's like a horse's name. Following up by horse comedy. Hey, don't skip ahead. Oh, he's lost the race. Glue factory comedy.

Pat Kavanagh, what sort of person gives that much money to us? A fucking good guy. A fucking gun of a person. Yeah. Thanks, Pat. Into the Patreon Hall of Fame, go you. I mean, it is a little bit like, look, don't get me wrong, great. Great to have that amount of money.

That's very great. It's very generous. It's very good. But at the same time, there's a little bit to me that's like, all right, mate, you're doing well. It's a little bit of him going like, it's stunting in a way. It's like, check this out, boys. To be honest, to me it's like okay

this i either want to know what this guy does for a living because it's like he's a fucking ceo of something yeah or it's you uh living in your mom's basement yes and you've got a little bit of money and you're spending it all you're not responsible yeah you're doing the wrong thing you this is not your money one of those people who like will lecture you well i mean this is pretty common at my age of like uh like people i went to school with going you know rent money's dead money you gotta save up and buy your own house it's like can't you bought an apartment because you lived with your parents yeah until you were 33 like fuck off this is a new thing that should go in the paper a while ago they were like oh you know

the millennials can't buy their own home because they're eating avocado on toast. Well, this is the new one. The millennials can't buy a home because they're giving 50 bucks a month to fucking podcasts. Yeah, yeah. And I'd love it if this guy's doing the same thing. Like if he lives at home, he's like, guys, the podcast that you support on Patreon, you got to give them at least 50 bucks.

And his friends are like, shut up. Move out of your parents' house, pay rent for the first time in your goddamn life. Thanks, Pat. Thanks, Pat. Fuck. So good. Good to have you on board, Patty.

Extreme generosity. Totally worth it, I think. You're getting a bargain. This is good stuff. Right. Thank you to Patreon subscriber and look, good luck with this, buddy. Is this lap two or is this? This is.

Is this another good one? You don't. This is good. This is all good from now. You're saying good luck. Yeah. No, I'm saying there's plenty to play with here. Oh, great.

Okay. Hopefully. Oh, fuck. The pressure's on. Yeah. Now, look, we've been talking about money. You know, see if you can somehow wedge a money reference into this one. I don't know how you're going to go.

Thank you, too. Take it all. Take it away, Tommy. Thank you, too Take it all. Take it away, Tommy. Thank you to Daddy Warbucks. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Jordan Payrolly. Oh, wow. That might be Italian for payroll, I believe. Yes.

Fuck, he's going to fumble it. Jordan Breadroll. Oh, fuck. Which is what I'm going to buy with the money that he's going to fumble it. Jordan bread roll. Oh, fuck. Which is what I'm going to buy with the money that he's given. How the fuck did you fumble that one? All right. Well, it looks like a certain two little podcasters are on your payroll-y, Jordan. Wow.

Fuck, payroll-y. I actually reckon that's... Because it's too... You can't do it... Like, it's all there. Like, there's nothing to do with it. It's literally just there. Yeah.

Oh, I'm on the pay... You're just saying the name again. He's the Jordan of giving us money. Right. Yeah. A bit of a cunt. Yeah. Old and played for the Washington Wizards and wasn't that good.

Pay-rolly. Fuck. I've never – another name. You learn so much on this show. Never knew that was a surname. Pairoli. I like it. Yeah. Jordan Pairoli.

Reminds me of ravioli, a dish that I enjoy quite a lot. Do you like ravioli, Carl? It's okay. Do you like a little pouch with a bit of – I mean, it's not as good as – One of the lesser Italian pastas. I mean, don't get me wrong. I much prefer, you know, I much prefer like a spaghetti or a fettuccine. You know, it's just there.

It's not getting in the way of the sauce. Yeah. But every now and then I get a bit of a hankering and a nice pouch with some meat in it, a bit of cream sauce on there. You know, when the mood strikes me, get me on the right day and that's what I'm going for and there's nothing better. Do you know, look, we've talked about this on the show, but at my wedding, everyone was a big fan of the food.

There was lots of food. Yeah. Heaps of food. Too much food. Too much. Very wasteful. Very distressing as someone who is not a fan of wasting food. Right.

But the bride's father wanted to add more food onto the menu. And there was way too much food. Yeah. And he tried to add more food onto the menu. And there was way too much food. Yeah. And he tried to add more food on. And it was like, why? He's like, oh, because I wanted ravioli. He's like, you can just have that, dude. Like, you don't have to give everyone ravioli because you wanted it.

Maybe, is that like an Italian custom that we don't know about? You're only allowed to eat ravioli on the day of your daughter's wedding. Hey, ask Jordan Payrolli. about. You're only allowed to eat ravioli on the day of your daughter's wedding. Hey, ask Jordan Payrolli. But he was going to order like one big ravioli as well. Like everyone had to have one big ravioli.

That, great. It would have been insane. But there was pasta that was pretty late. Was that gnocchi? There was pasta that came out pretty late. Which everyone was dancing by that point. I think we talked about this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the problem with the food at your wedding was that everything that came out looked like a main. Yes.

So people went crazy up front and then it was like, oh, fuck, there's like three more dishes coming out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But hey, you know what? Great stuff for me because nothing stresses me out more than being in a communal situation where there's food that looks great. You see these little portions and these fucking vultures descending on it. Yeah, yeah. And you've got that anxiety of like, I reckon I want a lot of this. This is extremely up my alley.

Do you do a bit of that following around the waiter? I do a little bit of that. I position myself, if it's like an informal stand, like a cocktail party sort of situation, I just stand like near where the waiters come out. Yeah. Even if it means positioning myself with some dog shit company, people I do not want to

talk to. Do you do a bit of the grab a handful, two or three of them at once? Oh, big time. Just to make sure? Yep. And then you've got to make the excuse, oh, just in case you don't come back again. Yep, yep. And when they've got, even better when they've got the napkins there with them, because then

you've got a little vessel with which to put, pile up the arancini balls and that's what I'm after. Is that your favourite thing of food? Yeah, big time. Big fan of it. You know what? I love uh because i never eat it anywhere else i noticed this the other day i never eat it anywhere else get a bit of that cold salmon some of the salmon i'm not a salmon not a salmon fan not up i wouldn't know what i wasn't until i started getting it free at every party i ever went to and i was like no this is good i like like this. Bit of free salmon. Thanks, Jordan. Thanks, Jordan.

All right. Thank you to, we've sort of got 1.11 more to go. To go, yeah. Yeah. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Rick Comedy. Rick, thanks for signing up. Appreciate the money. Is everything Patreon?

Do you know comedy? That's not a callback to anything. That's just a genuine question. I don't know comedy and I only have $10. Yeah. No, I'm going to need you to give me $43 actually

just to support us. The best. Yeah. Like just the best. Yeah. I had a 10-minute conversation in the pool yesterday about Hughes and Rick. Oh, did you? We're here in Samui.

I think there's going to be a lot of that this week and I've got to tell you, I couldn't be happier. Great. The timing of this is just perfect. Great. Okay, perfect. All right. Well, here we go, the last point 11. Great. The timing of this is just perfect. Great. Okay, perfect. Alright, well, here we go.

The last point 11. Yep. Alright. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Gur. Great. Thanks, Gur. Thanks, Gur. Alright, well. That's it. We did it. We might do the rest of that person

someday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now we can just carry over the rest of the name next week. Oh, right. Okay, that's a good idea. Yeah. Okay. All right. LittleDumbDumbClub.com for links to our ticketing for stuff that we have in the future, which

there's nothing on sale yet, but they will be coming up back into the year. We're going to start planning some dates. Merchandise is up there, t-shirts, all that sort of shit. We've got stickers. We've got a whole bunch of stuff. Links to the Patreon. Those of you that contribute, thank you very much. Even just the small amount, it all adds up and it is

great that people like this enough to want to chip in. And yeah, look, if you're on the way over to Samui, if you're already at Samui, we'll see you out there in the mix next week. Yeah, the first of our big live episodes from the podcast festival. We've got a lot of fun stuff planned.

It's going to be a great time with some great guests. Guys, stay safe out there. God bless each and every last one of you. Drive home safely from this podcast. Yeah, thanks for joining us on this edition of Talking Dumb Dumb, and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network.

Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. It's not optional. You have to do it. We used to go easy on it, but now you have to. Yeah. Yeah.