The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 407 - Akmal Saleh & Nazeem Hussain

Episode Date: July 25, 2018

Tommy's moved house this week and what better way to christen his new pad than with first-time guest AKMAL SALEH and the always tardy NAZEEM HUSSAIN! Tommy clears the air about the time he opened for Akmal at the Comedy Funhouse, Karl's still going on about his wedding, Akmal shares some insider info from his time on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, Nazeem's lost his keys PLUS we contemplate the possibility of spending a night at the Opera!  Don't forget, we have a bunch of huge live shows coming up:MELBOURNE: We're doing our 2018 stand-up shows back-to-back for one night only! AUGUST 3. MELBOURNE: We're doing a huge live episode PLUS a roast! OCTOBER 27.For tickets, merchandise, links to our Patreon and heaps of other stuff, head to our website: littledumdumclub.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with first-time guest Akmal and returning favourite Nazeem Hussain. But first of all, breaking news. We've got the scoop on this one, I believe. Yes, over to you, sexy weatherman Carl Chandler. Does a weatherman have the scoop on this one, I believe. Yes, over to you sexy weatherman Carl Chandler. Does weatherman have the scoop on things? Yeah.

Sometimes they just throw a bone over and they're like you can talk about this murder for us. This is too icky for us here at the main desk to get into. Now I vaguely recall weatherman breaking major crimes. Speaking of major crimes.

Yes. We've sizzled on the socials this week major crimes. Yeah, well, speaking of major crimes. Yes. We are, we've sizzled on the socials this week, if you've seen that at all, but we are announcing a big, big live show now. Guys,

this is going to be a big one. Guys, we are doing a very special, on the date of Saturday, October 27, put that in your diary

right now. Put that on your calendar. Well, the date's on the calendar. Do both. Maybe just circle it circle it but then write why you've circled it

you don't want to get to the day before and go fuck why did I circle that flu shot or does the dog get his balls cut off today or what's this you should be doing both of them on the same day

the dog can have that done you can just nip down to the human doctor and get your flu shot yeah nice and then go to this show so we are doing a big our are doing our biggest ever live show in Adelaide.

Now, we have talked about how we struggle to get numbers to Adelaide. That's why we are holding a big live Adelaide show this year in Melbourne. Yep. So we're going to do Pop-Up South Australia A pop-up state in Melbourne At the Comics Lounge Saturday October the 27th In Victoria, Melbourne 8pm

You're going to come in and you'll walk through that door And you'll be magically whisked away It'll be as if you've walked up those stairs It's taken you 10 seconds But you'll feel as if you've been on a plane for an hour and 10 minutes Now this has been the problem I, with our Adelaide shows. We keep holding them in Adelaide. Yeah.

And that brings down the attendance. So if we bring it to the place where we have our biggest shows, I think we're going to have like a sold-out Adelaide show, our first ever sold-out Adelaide show. Yeah, well, I mean, we don't want to jinx it, but who knows? I feel good about it. This is the best chance we're ever going to have. Put it that way. I can't believe we didn't think of it before.

I think this makes so much sense. It makes almost too much sense. Yes. It's almost so good of an idea that it's absolutely stupid. But not quite. Yes. Not quite there. Yeah, not quite.

That's for next year. Yeah. Anyway, tickets are on sale now at thecomicslounge.com.au. Let's go to our website because there will be a link there. Okay. Yep. That's just going to send you to probably the wrong URL that I just said, littledumbdumbclub.com.

Yep. Tickets on sale now. Yes, that is going to be heaps of fun. Big, big room. Very, very exciting for us. So it's a live pod. Yes. Two-part show.

Plus people have been clamouring for another one of these for yonks. We're doing a roast. We're doing another little patented, little dum-dum club roast. We invented the roast format and now we're bringing it back. Yeah, so it's a big two-part show. It's a big, big, big show. It's a big

room. Let's go for the, you know, we do once a year, we try and do our big, big show in Melbourne. This year we're doing it obviously in Adelaide, in Melbourne, but this counts as our big, big, big, big show of the year. So get along. It's on a Saturday night, so it's going to be a big one. What's Not To Like podcast, which you guys all love. Roast, which you guys, I think, potentially probably love more.

Yep. And no stand-up. Yep. So get in there. A big night for all. Yeah, this is going to be heaps of fun. We are also, within the next week, if there's going to be some other cities being announced, keep an eye on the socials.

We probably will have some news on them before the next episode drops. So if you're somewhere else in the country, we're very close to having it able to announce for today but didn't quite get there in time. But, yes, within the next couple of days there should be some news going up. We will see you at the end of the episode for a bit more information in our Talking Dum-Dum segment. Until then, though, enjoy this new episode with Nazeem Hussain and Akmal. Hey, mates, welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week.

Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo and with me as always, the other half of the show, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. Now, we're in your new house right now. I've lived here for less than 24 hours and I'm absolutely wrapped that it's ended up that we had to record an episode in here. I feel like I could show you around at this point. I feel like people listening will be able to know that it's a house that is not fully moved into yet because of how echoey it is

in the recording. I feel like a deadbeat divorced dad, just a TV and nothing else, just sitting on the floor cross-legged watching TV by myself. You offer this bottled water because you haven't even got a fucking cup here. Yeah, it's pretty grim. It's really grim in here at the moment. I wouldn't change a thing.

I like it. It's not bad. A couch to watch the TV from would be pretty good, I guess. No, you don't have to worry about burglars this way, I think. I think it's good. It's burglar-proof. Nice one. You think the couch is the thing that's tipping off the burglars? That's what I always used to steal first. There's people sitting in there. That means there's good shit worth taking.

Yeah. All right. Anyway, what a way to introduce our guests. This is – one of our guests hasn't been on the show before. He probably thinks that this is how we live. Yeah. It's not. Yeah.

Let's welcome him in. Well, the two most famous people that have ever been in this house. Let's build it up. Joining us today, Nazeem Hussain and Akmal. Yeah. Let's welcome him in. Well, the two most famous people that have ever been in this house. Let's build it up. Joining us today, Nazeem Hussain and Akmal. Hello. All right. Hello. It's like magic eye.

Yeah, yeah. That's right. But seriously, I mean, look, we're sitting in the lounge slash dining room slash laundry. Yeah. Oh, nice. Are you going to hear the footsteps? One, two, three steps. Yep. Yeah. That's your washing machine. Was. Oh, nice. Are you going to hear the footsteps? One, two, three steps. Yep.

Yep. That's your washing machine. Washing machine right there. Another three steps to your bedroom, which, by the way, has translucent glass. Yeah, it's a bit weird, isn't it? You wouldn't want to have someone staying with you. I thought you were going to say, you wouldn't want to live here. I like the convenience, though.

You don't want to walk too far. If you could just use that dryer as a toilet. Yes. Yes. Then you're sorted. It's out of my dream home. Yeah, it's pretty. Do you want to open the fridge real quick, Nazeem?

Do you want to see something absolutely fucked? Yeah. When you put a fridge in storage, you're meant to leave the door open because otherwise that happens. Your house is mold Mould everywhere. This is a murder scene. Yeah, yeah. How did this happen?

How did you get the mould? I had the fridge in storage for like six weeks and you meant to leave the door open. Otherwise, yeah, mould was stuck in there. Kids can get stuck in there and die. Huh? You could have killed a kid. Yeah, yeah. I have.

Is this revenge for your childhood? No. I've never met you before but I'm going to guess you don't have a girlfriend. Hell of a guess. Oh, yeah, I know. I know the feeling, man. Fucking LCSI Akmal over here. I'm not even upset.

I'm glad to know we can smell the mould together. Have you ever met Tommy? This is amazing. I don't think we have. We have met. It's fine. When? Yeah, we did.

I believe we did Dave O'Neill's comedy Fun House together. Oh, right. The Fun House. Yeah. Dave got me to host at the last minute because he had tickets to a movie and he couldn't be fucked hosting his own gig. He's very committed, yeah. And I bombed pretty spectacularly before I brought you on.

Oh, now I remember. That's why I did so well. Thank you. You were trying to let me off the hook and pretend that you didn't remember. No, no, I remember. That's why I did so well. Thank you. You were trying to let me off the hook and pretend that you didn't remember. No, no, no. You were like, Jesus, you died so I can live. Very selfless of me. I'm that kind of guy.

Do you have any initial impressions of Tommy? Like what are you? Well, you know. Single, obviously. Apart from being in his filthy house. No, but I can relate because I'm equally as – probably more filthy. Are you married? Yeah.

I'm married. You just both live in filth. Yeah, yeah. We both – we live in separate states. But they have – but Akmal has nicer, filthier stuff. Oh, yeah. It's more expensive, filthy. The unwashed china is like of a very high standard.

Filthy fave jai eggs. They're filthy. They're disgusting. is like of a very high standard. Filthy favage eggs. They feel like a disgusting. We still owe money on our filthy. It's not, there's not, is it really, there's not even enough, I mean there's styrofoam on the ground, but that's, I mean I just, I literally got in here last night, so. Look, we've been swayed by the fact you asked us to look in your fridge. Now, to have a filthy fridge, you pretty much then go,

this house is shit. Yeah, it's true. If you're going to have sewage in your fridge or Now, to have a filthy fridge, you pretty much then go, this house is shit. Yeah, that's true. If you're going to have sewage in your fridge or whatever the fuck is in there, it looks pretty bad. Yeah, there's going to have to be a bigger clean-up job tomorrow. It's pretty rank. But everything else… Why did you choose this place?

What was it about it? They offered it to me and I said, yes, please. Tommy's been staying in someone else's spare room for the last couple of weeks, so the first offer he got, he was pretty keen. And this is a nice location. See, the right location here at 110. No, no, no, no, your favourite trick. Let's narrow it down.

I heard the real estate agents just before you walked in are going, no one will ever rent this place. We will never rent it. Not with what happened here before. Yeah, they thought it was hard to get rid of before. Wait till they, you know, after I move out, it's like, yeah, a lot of podcasts have been recorded here. You never get the smell out of them.

A lot of povo-looking open mic comedians going in and out of that place. People will come in and go, this smells like comedians. Yeah. Well, Nazeem got recognised out the front of my building. Oh, nice. Yeah, I wasn't sure if they were talking to me or you because you are now an international podcast superstar. Thank you.

Two years running. Two years running in Koh Samui, yes. Well, there's two people out the front and they just go, television. I said, ha, ha, ha, yeah, where do I know you from? And I just, you know, I don't know what you're... I always say, I think you owe me money. And then they walk, they just like go straight away. That's pretty good. I always go, where do you owe me money. And then they walk, they just go straight away.

That's pretty good. I always go, where do you know? Australia's most wanted. Nice. No, you know what the trick is? I get that a fair bit because I must have a forgettable face. I've been called Arj. I've been called Carl Barron a lot.

Carl Barron, I can see that. My friend said that last night. He saw you. He goes, you know what? He does look like Carl Barron. No, but Carl Barron, I can see that. My friend said that last night. He saw you. He goes, you know what? He does look like Carl Barron. No, but also the name Akmal and Carl. I can understand that. But this is an absolutely true story.

And if ever you run into him, ask him. Richard Wilkins, the entertainment guy with the hair. Our Donald Trump. I was doing the Today Show a while ago and before they started filming, he comes up to me and he shakes my hand. He goes, mate, I really love that show you do. I said, what show? He goes, that show where you paint people and interview them.

Ando. We're not even the same race. I mean, he wasn't even in the ballpark. I mean, your eyes. That's a dead giveaway. And my bank account. He's low. Oh, yeah.

He's got children. You know what? He's got children. Wow, that's how rich he is. He's got children's books. He bought them. He's got his own book, The Happiest Refugee. He's so rich that Hung Lee is making money off Ando's book.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's doing like a Thai pirate ripoff. He's done extremely well. Why is making money off Ando's book. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's doing like a Thai pirate rip-off. He's doing extremely well. Why don't we get that guy? Why doesn't he sponsor the whole podcast or something? Well, why would anyone give us money? Just because you have a lot of money doesn't mean you want to waste it. That's why he's got a lot of money because he doesn't waste it.

Why don't you sponsor this podcast? I don't have that much money. I lost my freaking car keys. No, I can recognise that. When I first started with television, it happened to me several times. I remember I was on Sydney Road. Some guy on the other side of the street, he was like, hey, hey, how do you work, Akmal?

I thought he was being funny, but he was dead serious. No, and I'm a lot uglier than the Z. It must have been a terrible day. The thing is, I accept the compliment. This is before you got those extreme white teeth, it must have been. Yeah. They're still shining. Good hair.

Very nice. Seating. No, it's a funny, I'll tell you just quickly, You've got those extreme white teeth that must have been. Yeah. They're still shining. With hair. They're in the seating. No. Do you paint? It's a funny, I'll tell you just quickly, because as I was saying, I do get confused with other people and I love not giving it away. So someone will come up to me and I get this a lot.

Someone will come up and go, excuse me, man, where do I know you from? And I always say, well, you have to tell me. And then I've got a few stories, but one girl goes, are you in my salsa class? And I never deny it. I go, yeah. And she goes, oh, man, I haven't been going. I said, I know.

She said, I didn't think I was good. I said, well, you know, everyone talks about you. And then another girl in Newtown in Sydney comes up to me. She goes, where do I know you from? I said, oh, you have to tell me. She goes, did you live next door to me in Erskineville? I said, yes. She goes, oh, my God, it's been so long.

I wanted to see. Do you know, how's Paul? I said, Paul is in prison. She goes, oh. And, yeah, that's my own. Great new credit for you for next year's Comedy Festival, though. Like, Akmal, as seen in Erskineville. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They should reboot Thank God You're Here and it's just where do I know you from? So you walk through the door and it's just a whole bunch of confused people asking for credits. Yeah, yeah, exactly. People thinking I'm Ando. Yeah, yeah. So do you have any similarities with Ando?

Do you paint? Are you artistic at all? No, no. I have nothing in common with Ando in any way. He is good with his money. He is hardworking. He has a full head of hair. He hasn't been on this.

He hasn't been on this. He hasn't lowered himself. He has children. Yep. He's well adjusted and he's loaded. He's probably got some of your jokes, to be fair. Well, yeah. I would be honoured

When we were just in the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival This year held in Koh Samui And we were over there And we had to explain ourselves to a few people over there And one stage this person was saying to me You know so how's it work back in Australia You guys are like huge all over the country I'm like oh not really

Yeah but you've got this festival and all these people have followed you over here and I'm like oh look we're we're very well known to to like a certain demographic and they're like oh you must get recognized every day when you walk down the street or whatever and I'm like oh look and by then you get three or four questions in you start to go all right I'll give you a bit yeah yeah I do get recognized a lot and you know whatever and when I walked away I was sort of like I felt a bit bad for sort of going you know we do get recognized a I walked away, I was sort of like, oh, I felt a bit bad for sort of going, you know, we do get recognised a bit. But I was like, but they pushed me to the stage of going, oh,

you know, is it every day? I'm like, yeah, it is every day. I swear, as soon as I got home, we flew in. I got off the plane on the Skybus. As soon as I got into Southern Cross Station, as soon as I got out, like 50 metres. The Skybus. Yeah, the story.

Yeah, I'm famous. Anyway, so I was on the Sky Bus. I was on the community bus and I got off the Sky Bus and 50 metres off the bus, someone walks past me and just goes, how was fucking Thailand, Chando? And I'm like, I was justified. I think I was justified. People overseas recognise or you tell them you do comedy. They want to think that they're speaking to someone famous.

You're not doing them a service by picking yourself up. They've got an experience. I did the right thing. That's right. But, yeah, these guys out the front of my building in Nazeem, they just wanted to be able to boast about a brush with flame and you weren't giving them anything. But you know what?

You've got to downplay it like Akmal does. They know that he's famous or something. Yeah. But if you're humble You've got to downplay it like Akmal does. They know that he's famous or something. Yeah. But if you're humble, it makes you look bigger. Their estimation of you grows. So I've just made you look cool. Yeah, true. You can't be arrogant if they don't quite know what your name is.

And also, if they go, we don't know you from, oh, do a bit of television. Nah, it's not that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The other one I get is, man, are you famous? I go, well, obviously not. Not enough. He would know me if I was famous? I go, well, obviously not. Not enough. He would know me if I was famous. I think he misunderstood the whole concept.

Well, Nazeem, you're about to film a special for Netflix, which is very exciting. A 30-minute special. But that'll be, I think that's going to be a whole new realm of frustrating, being recognised by people in a frustrating way where it'll be like, oh, yeah, your thing's on Netflix. Started watching it. Don't you reckon? Don't you reckon that's going to be like, oh, yeah, your thing's on Netflix. Started watching it. Yeah.

Don't you reckon? Don't you reckon that's going to be that? I've got it on pause at home. I've got to continue watching. Because there's so many faces. You know, like when you're scrolling through Netflix, you just see faces and you're like, eh, you judge the series based. I reckon I'm going to be one of those guys with a forgettable face that they just.

No, no, you don't. It's good to be dark. Yeah, it's good to be dark. You stand out. Yeah, it's good to be dark. You stand out. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Because when I started, you know, it wasn't... Arabs weren't as popular as they are today.

But it helps you stand out, you know, because... Well, you started as Peter Seller. Well, yeah, Peter, because I was scared. I was the only brown man. You know what? You paved the way. I've got to show you. You paved the way for me.

Just like Tommy Dassel. I can't believe you changed. You know what? You paved the way. I've got to show you. You paved the way for me. Just like Tommy Dassel. I can't believe you changed. You went against your heritage. Of course. Peter, by changing it to this made-up name, Akma. Yeah, I was so desperate to be a comedian that I was willing to, you know, betray everything and everyone. Was it betray or was it just, aha, gotcha, I'm not Peter?

No, I was scared. Yeah, yeah. It helped when I, you know, made me work in RSL clubs because Arabs weren't allowed. No, but what was I going to say? How was it doing RSL clubs? Bloody hell. Back in the day.

The thing is when I started in Sydney, it was really rough and the audiences were dumb and drunk and they had like hen's nights. It's all changed now. It's a lot better, man. Like, you know, the guy who ran the comedy stores, I'm sure you've heard of Rodney Rude. Oh, yes. He was managing it when I started.

Who is trolling me on Twitter. Is he really? Wait, wait, no, no. Sorry, sorry, sorry. No, no, no. It's the other guy. It's Kevin Bloody Wilson. Ostentation.

Ostentation. He trolls everyone on Twitter. Ostentation's a real provocateur. What a lovely way of describing it. He threatened to come to my show at the European Beer Cafe, the one that you're at. What's that? He was like, oh, come to your show and see the genius that you are.

And I never said anything about him. Anyway. No, he loves a good scrap. But what was I talking about? Yeah, sorry. Ronnie Rude. RSL's back in the day. Ronnie Rude.

Oh, yeah, yeah. So he used to advertise the Comedy Store, which was the only room really that was worth doing. So he used to advertise the Comedy Store, which was the only room really that was worth doing, and he used to advertise in the paper at the Comedy Store, come and heckle your favourite comedian. Oh, God. He was building this anger. So it was a bloodbath.

The gears are turning in Chando's head. He's like, this might get an extra 20 people in the year. Tomorrow night's going to be different. People would throw shit and there were no women doing it and there were no brown people or Asians or anyone of ethnicity doing it. And I thought, you know, I'll give it a go. And it was really nerve-wracking. Wow.

Because you had to win people over. So did changing your name to Peter help? Did they go, oh, his name's Peter. Well, at the very least, they didn't hate me before I took the stage. They hated me once I started talking. So that's the thing. I reckon comedians of your generation, you guys can take anything because you've dealt with all that crazy heckling shit.

Whereas now, I think the rooms are – they're all – you know, heckling is frowned upon, I think, in rooms. People just – it's not – But look, we're probably all guilty, us three, of doing a lot of inner city rooms to start with. So we're all – you know, we're very Melbourne-centric. I mean, Tommy did Dave O'Neill's gig in Fairfield. Yeah, absolute silence.

And not a peep. Would have loved a heckle. Just something to break up the deafening silence. It was a Zen stand-up comedy. They were totally meditating up there. Yeah, yeah. Even one-hand clapping would have been nice up there. But so now, Nazeem, with your career, now we started about the same time,

but you sort of zoomed up very quickly. When did you start? We did the same time as you. Yeah. We did the same Raw Heat way back in the day, Raw Comedy. It's definitely just the skin colour. Yeah. So don't you remember us doing Raw Comedy together?

I don't. Shit. You know what? We were on the same heat yeah because I very distinctly remember the second time we ever met because I

I saw you at a gig and then I went up to it oh hey man remember from Royal Comedy and you just go oh yeah you're the like

Stephen Wright rip off guy or whatever me I don't think I would be smart enough you did it sure was an arm error no no no

did I say Stephen Wright rip-off? It was the other brown guy. No. Shit. You said something like the rip-off or you were trying to be Stephen Wright or something like that. Can I say one thing? I wasn't offended at all.

How do you remember things like this but you can't remember where you put your car keys on a day to pay basis? See, that works. There's no podcast. This is like pay basis. No, you know what? He set you up. He's getting back at me because I gave him shit for not inviting me

to his wedding. Look, even if I thought that, I don't normally say stuff like that. So that's why I don't think it was me. I wasn't insulted at all. No, no. Did you know he invited Stephen Wright to his wedding? Yeah. Prick.

Yeah, totally. Thank you for his inspiration. Is that a compliment if I referred you as Stephen Wright? It's fine. Yeah, it was true then and it's true now well there are a lot of comedians who take that

I mean even before Stephen Wright there was Elliot Goblet that one liner thing is not really no totally and this is a year in where it's like

well you can't be like I'm nothing like that guy it's like you're a year in you're fucking terrible so your opener was here's a style of comedy that I've invented

no you know what I get people going I like Russell Peters too, and that's why I... Yeah, yeah. I like Russell Peters, but, you know, like... Oh, man. But when you're performing in a huge comedian's shadow... Yeah, no, people get confused. People are stupid.

People are stupid. Man, are you on pizza? No, I eat pizza. Yeah, I knew it. Wait, so were you at the pubs, those heats? We did the heats together then. Yes, I was in the same heat as you. Do you remember the pubs full of Muslims and then whenever my thing would finish,

they would just leave? Yes. Don't worry, I remember that more than you. I remember going, hey guys, can you seriously just not leave after my bit? Because it looks really bad. I was in a heat. I was in a state heat. We don't need another reason to hate Muslims.

Fill it up. They didn't buy a drink. I was in a state heat with you and I think there was three Muslims in the heat. We don't need another reason to hate Muslims. Fill it up. They didn't buy a drink. I was in a state heat with you and I think there was three Muslims in the heat and nine-tenths of the crowd were Muslim audience. Yeah. And so we were just going, if we got laughs off anything, we were like the rest of us. We were like, oh, that's a bonus.

That must have been a great joke. That must have been a nice joke. The Muslims all left after you were on And then a whole bunch of old men in turtlenecks came in It's like the one line of brigades in But it was quite good in the way that I think you went through No no, Amir went through

The state one So it was me, Amir and Mohammed And we ended up doing Fear of a Brown Planet And then Mohammed left the group Right There was three Muslim acts And I think only one or two got through And I felt for the people

that didn't get through because they were all killing in front of the Muslim crowd and then they go by the way you guys didn't get through it's like

I got through or whatever it was and it was like I did not go as well as whoever that other guy was that got through it was definitely it was Armour

so did you get in the national finals no I was equal I thought I can't remember what it is I was equal runner up but they didn't put me through. Yeah, but competitions are weird.

Like, you've got to say, who's judging this? And generally, the people have never done it, and it comes down to three, four people's opinion. I've had to judge one once. It's actually very uncomfortable. It's very uncomfortable because who's to say? And sometimes, you know, people are funny in groups of friends and they're like, oh, yeah, I'd probably be really good at stand-up.

And then on stage, so they start telling the same story that they're telling amongst their friends and they're figuring out live in front of you that, oh, I'm actually funny in front of the group. You just see people's spirits. Man, I love watching people's spirits get crushed like that. Especially when they think, oh, this is easy, I'll give this a go. Remember the guy who's in trouble now?

What's his name? McLaughlin. You're going to have to know it, Dan. Ray Badrum. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Craig McLaughlin. Right, right, right. Did you remember him on the footy show?

Yes. One of the best clips of all time. That was actually the good thing about those allegations coming out was like, oh, this is reminding me of the time he was on the footy show. Yeah, I felt molested by him watching that performance. But, you know, I took delight in that fall because I'm not well. And because, you know, you just got the impression that he sort of… Got a lot of confidence.

Yeah, but he didn't give it enough credit. I mean, it takes 10 years before you can do a three-minute television spot and nail it. Yeah. And he kind of disrespected it and was rightly punished for it. He thought he was at a barbecue. Yeah. Well, he thought it…

Because when it's done well, it looks easy. And stupid people think, oh, yeah, I can give that a go. And then they learn. I disagree. I think we unmasked a true comic genius. And I'm talking about the guy in the crowd who in McLaughlin goes, what's worse than someone else's poo? The guy who yells out, you.

I mean, a star is born. Why didn't that guy get signed immediately? That guy got past me at Royal Comedy. You know it's a bad night when you're on a top-rating show Born. Why didn't that guy get signed immediately? That guy got past me at Royal Comedy. You know it's a bad night when you're on a top rating show and it's live on television and the biggest laugh comes from an audience member. That's a bad gig.

Yeah, because it was their grand final show, right? So he's in like a stadium, just bombing the stadium. We've all had bad gigs, but you can just speak for yourself, buddy. Me and Tommy, apart from Tommy's story about Huckmell. Yeah. I was doing a Craig McLaughlin tribute at Dave O'Neill's Comedy Funhouse

that time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it's funny. We were talking about that, about, you know, young comics and, you know, getting thrown, getting up there for the first time or early on and getting thrown and stuff like that. And, look, what I was going to say about you is you escalated very quickly in your career.

You know, we were doing this heat and all of a sudden. Now, what happened was. Too quickly, I think. Yeah, way too quickly. I feel a bit of bitterness. I'm happy to be on this side of the table. No, no, no. This is just facts.

Good for you, you know. But this is something that I reckon I noticed last night about you. Now, you did a gig last night. Oh, no. Brown skin. You did a trial show. We're talking about your Netflix special. So you were doing a Walmart did a gig last night. Brown skin. You did a trial show. We're talking about your Netflix special. So you were doing a Walmart gig for that last night,

running through your Netflix special, fine-tuning it and whatever. Now you got a support act on. Yep. And so you got a support act on. Now here's the thing where I noticed that you've skyrocketed too quickly because you didn't go through the process that most of us go through where at some stage you have to learn how to MC because that's how you earn your money.

Now, you went from open mic to headliner sort of straight away without learning the MC skills. And that was very evident last night when your opening act was introduced to the stage. Who is a comic one or two years in and is about to play to your crowd a full house and your intro is this, Hey, guys, anyway, someone's about to play to your crowd a full house, and your intro is this. Hey, guys, anyway, someone's going to come up here in a minute, and you would have seen them 20 years ago.

They had their own show called Seinfeld. Anyway, lately you've seen them on a show called Comedians in Cars Having Coffee. Please welcome to the stage, everyone. It's Nat Demeanor, everybody. He goes, introduce me how you like. So I go, all right. I go, this guy created a show you may have watched back in the day. It was Nat Demeanor, everybody. He goes, introduce me how you like. So I go, all right. I go, this guy created a show

you may have watched back in the day. It was called Seinfeld. There's also those of comedians in cars with coffee, whatever. And I thought

they'd obviously get that it's not Jerry Seinfeld. There was not that release valve where people And no one laughed. No,

no one laughed. And there were people coming up to you afterwards going, yeah, we were confused. We were like, is this guy going

to be Larry David? I feel bad. They were still confused after the set. I feel bad. I did feel bad. I did kind of fuck up his first few minutes with that. Yes. But those are the stories that he'll remember.

Because also Nat. It'll toughen him up. Just so we all know, Nat is a… What are you going to say? What? He's a good comedian. Yes. That's all I'm going to say. Now, you's a good comedian. Yes. What else do you say?

No, you know what? I was like, Carl, do you have someone that can open for the show? Because he was helping me organise the whole thing. And he goes, oh, Brett Blake's unavailable, but there's a guy... He goes, but Nat Domina is available. I go, oh, well, get her on. And he goes, no, it's a guy. And I was like, oh, shit.

And anyway, I went on Facebook and I realised I've met the guy. And I go, why didn't you tell me he was black? Anyway, get him on. No, no. You met the guy. And I go, why don't you tell me he was black? Get him on. No, no. You know, you've got to give him a leg up. That's what we do, you know. Because if you have a support actor, you don't want him to be – you want him to do well but not too well, right?

You're welcome. I suspect you fucked him up on purpose. No, no. You know what, bro? I thought, okay, he's starting off bad. Good. I'm going to look great. But then he actually freaking killed.

Yeah. Yeah, he's right. You don't, I'm going to look great. But then he actually freaking killed. Yeah, he did. You don't want him to do too badly because that destroys the vibe, but you want him to do just well enough to. And people come up afterwards just telling me his jokes and I was like, oh, what about mine? Did you like that? Anyway, he was just a supporter. Was it his jokes or Sonnenfeld's jokes?

Was it, yeah, round team? He did come on stage just barging through a door I've opened for you a couple of times when you've done trials Nazeem and your intro for me is always to go like

now hands up who's heard of a podcast it's like fuck it you're right I feel like probably my experience that's my lack of experience

what does it take to MC really well more than what you've got at the moment don't hint it's Seinfeld coming up next What does it take to MC, really? Well, be opposite of what you're doing. More than what you've got at the moment. Don't hint at Seinfeld coming up next. That's rule number one. That's the thing, because we forget,

because we're all in the same world where we're just fucking around constantly. I mean, I've done that on stage before where you get up and you go, well, of course it's obvious that this is not real, but there will definitely be literally at least one person in that room going, fuck me, Jerry Seinfeld did that together? Well, that kid just, he created Seinfeld? What a prodigy. Yeah. So he gets on and everyone hates him.

I want to kill that guy. When's the next guy on? You should have at least back announced him and go, I'm really sorry, everyone. He told me he was Seinfeld. He slipped through. He just wanted that gig so bad. So what you mentioned before, I'll call back to that. So you were saying I was getting you back for not inviting me.

You blame me for not inviting you to my wedding. Now, I'll take that. That's my bad. I should have done that. Okay, now what have I not invited you to? No, no, no, no, no, no. It's not leading up to another thing. So sorry, Akmal. I had a wedding about nearly a year ago now. Yeah, I not invited you to? No, no, no, no, no, no. This is all leading up to another thing. Sorry, Akmal.

I had a wedding about nearly a year ago now. Yeah, I was invited. No. Yeah. I was his best man. You guys know each other, obviously. Yeah. Did you get an invite?

From the wedding, yeah. I didn't know you got married. Yeah. So what happened was the main theme of us talking about the wedding was you got off lightly because I've been complaining for nearly a year about the people who didn't buy me a present. Oh, I haven't bought you a present yet? I had the big list of all the people who didn't buy me presents

and gradually everyone's got around because of all my bitching and moaning for the last 12 months to get me a present. I think we're down to like very, very few left now. Why are you looking at me? No, because I'm talking to you. Okay, okay. You're so on edge. Get off Scott free in this story, by the way.

Okay, cool, cool. I can tell you the story without attacking you, just so you know. I know what you mean, Nazeem. At the start of a Carl Chandler story, you're like, how does this come back around to me? Nazeem, get your head out of the fridge. Sit down, Nazeem. So the latest person to make good on the wedding present

is a young man by the name of Lemo, professional comedian Lemo. You may have heard of him. Cashed up Lemo. Yes, exactly. Radio personality Lemo. Sponsored by Jaguar or something. He drives a Jag. I think so, yeah.

How much money do you reckon is in Lemo's bank account? Do you reckon he's richer than Arndo? No, no one's richer than Arndo. Really? That's actually a disrespectful question. Do you reckon he's richer than Dave O'Neill? do you reckon he's... No, no one's richer than Arnaud. Oh, really? That's actually a disrespectful question. Do you reckon he's richer than Dave O'Neill? Oh, great question.

That's a good question. Some homeless people are richer than... No. O'Neill's gig would have taken a hit after I opened for Arkmar that day.

Oh, yeah, yeah. So he's suffered a bit of a financial loss there because of me. So, William O, worth 2.3 million, I would say. Wow.

Assets and cash at bank. All right. We'll hear from... Let's get theimo, worth 2.3 million, I would say. Wow. Assets and cash bank. All right. We'll hear from, let's get the listeners to call in. Pure equity, yeah. So, he, and of course, people that have been on professional radio, they're the ones that have not brought presents and stuff like that. I've blown it all. I really have.

It's very sad. That's why he's on the Dum Dum Club. Exactly. That's why I'm doing the Comics Lounge. Sorry, Comics Lounge, if you're listening. What about your milk ads? Those are memorable. I'll tell you the truth, right?

And this is, you can erase this after I tell you if you want. There was a year where, some people are very good with money. Comedians generally are not, you know. And I'm not not and my wife, me and her, we just buy stuff because there's a lot of things to buy. It's very tempting. There was one year where I made almost just a little bit over a million dollars because I was on Nova.

I made that ad. The milk one. The milk one rolled over. I got like a couple of hundred grand. Oh, hell yeah. I'm being honest here but I'll tell you, it's a sad ending. This is all staying in. You headlined Dave O'Neill's gig, yeah?

Yeah, yeah. I did Dave O'Neill's gig. And no, there was a whole bunch of stuff. You know, like I was getting, like I was, because I was on Nova and it was just, when you're in it, huh? With Cal Wilson and Ed Gavley. This is going to be a real happy ending. No, when it's happening to you, people like me always think,

this is going to be there forever. So I was spending money, flying business class and just buying toys and stereos and shit and it all went. Did you pay tax on it? Yeah, of course. I was paying like 50 something percent. Well, at least you paid it because the worst is if you spend it all went, you know. Did you pay tax on it? Yeah, of course. I was paying like 50-something percent tax. Well, at least you paid it because the worst is if you spend it all and then you've got a tax bill.

Yeah, I've done that as well. But the point is, yeah. The point is you need some money now. Yeah. If you're listening to this and you want to contribute, help me stay in business. I just wish I could see what you're doing right now. Like, he's just literally looking down.

I'll give him the water bottle. Look at this kitchen table that costs $30,000. Don't know what you're talking about. Please donate to the Akmal Foundation. Patreon.com slash Akmal. For your $10 a month, I will send you photos of how I'm going, and I'll send you letters and things. Well, this must make you feel a bit better being in this house at the moment.

Oh, yeah. This is an upgrade. I mean, but you did more than over up. Did you make your money back? No. Like radio is ridiculous money, you know, if you're doing well for them. And I didn't mean to do radio. They asked me to do it and I did it.

And then from radio all these things came and all this money was coming in and like a child I just, and it all went. Have you still got any of those toys? Well, yeah, I do some. I've got like a really expensive stereo. I've got a really fast CD player. 25 CDs. Yeah.

Is this radio job in 1997? No, no, this is all downloadable stuff. It's like a… MP3 player? No, no, this is all downloadable stuff. It's like a… MP3 player? No, no, no. This is high res. Discman? High res.

If you come to my house, I'll give you a listen. Well, I don't own the house because I own a huge mortgage. I owe a huge mortgage on it. So I really played it very badly. Whereas you see some guys who do it well, you know, they go this is not going to be here forever. I'll do it. And if it is, then at least I'm secure.

Well, both of you guys are people that have taken the big cash to go, I'm a celebrity, get me out of here. Well, you know what? I probably made more than you because you make, did you have the same arrangement where the longer you stay in, the more money you get? That's right. And so I was literally just going, oh, if I just stay here one more day,

that's this much money and another couple of years. Well, the story was, the story that we all got told was that, you know, you get told that the people that are going in, as soon as they don't want to be there anymore, all they have to say is, I'm a celebrity, get me out of here. You get plucked out and you go home. Now, we always got told that the story was Akmal goes in and five minutes later he goes, I'm a celebrity, get me out of here.

And everyone went, no, no, no. When I did the interviews, I was like, listen, all right, as a comedian, you know, you've got to be – you can just be yourself. Don't try to be funny. But some comedian – and literally they were afraid he came in not knowing that it was a real jungle. Man, like, yeah, they were going, this guy's fucked up. How did we get here? It was like – it was such a surreal day because, as you know,

they wake you up really early. Oh, my God. And they don't feed you so you're on edge and it's such a surreal experience. You're in the South African jungle and there's like literally like what, 10 cameras. Monkeys and shit. Filming and yeah, and you're in a jungle and there's this camera and your head's in a very different space.

And I just, it just occurred to me, I thought, fuck, I don't want to be here. What am I doing here? I miss my stereo. I miss my stereo. I mean, you said that as a joke. And I just realised I don't really want to be here, you know. And I said, I'm a celebrity, get me out of here.

And they came up to me and said, no. That was it. That was the end of that. You know, actually, the one time we heard music and sometimes because they wake us up and they want us to do stuff so they get content yeah and we're really tired so we're just literally we're awake we're sitting on our beds we're awake and so then they obviously talk to the other producers and we're like they're not doing anything so what they did was they go you guys miss music and like it's like a god speaking someone's talking into the camp and we go yeah of course we miss music? And it's like a God speaking, someone's talking into the camp. And we go, yeah, of course we miss music.

Bring a stereo in here. And they go, all right, we'll play a song for you if you dance. And we're like, what? So they started playing, rains in Africa. And they played it and they were literally saying, dance, dance, everyone. We were all dancing just because we wanted the music, something to change shit up in there. And I don't know.

It's like Dancing Monkey. It was just horrible. Oh, it's really bad And the first thing you see Is when you get out Is you see these black people Serving you Like from the 1950s

You know like pre And there's Chris and Julia You know these two white hosts I felt so horrible Just walking and seeing These black servants Oh no Holding a drinks tray

Oh my god Are you serious? But at the same time, you did take the drink. Oh, yeah. I actually didn't show this on TV, but I actually, I was really hyper and I resented the fact that they had these people. It just looked bad, you know. So I went and put, I was the first person to appear,

so I put my fingers in all the drinks. And so everyone who drank, they drank a bit of my finger. But I thought that was funny. I heard that like when it was time for you to actually go, you climbed up a tree. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there was live television and they were like, okay, I've got to go.

And then they actually sent in a producer. This young producer was like, please, can you leave? I'm going to get in trouble. Because I wanted to leave. I said, that's it. I've had enough. I can't take this anymore. And so I knew I was going to probably be kicked out.

And then when they said it's time to go, Akmal, I went, no. I'm not going. I like it here. Hey, I'm a free agent now. And it's live television. And what's his name? Brendan Favola was chasing me. He's like this star footballer. And I sideste was like this star footballer and I sidestepped him.

Oh, nice. I sidestepped him and I went up a tree. Because what the problem was, and I kind of really stuffed them up because they film it live, right? The eviction's live. Yeah, a couple of days are live. So the eviction's live and then it takes you a while to get from the camp to where the cameras are.

So as soon as you get evicted, they rush you. Right. You know, they go, come on, and you run up. You broke the show. Yeah. I went, nah, I'm not going. And they go, fuck, what are we going to do? That was my favourite part.

Maybe the Dum Dum Club, like as a duo, you guys could go. You know, they had the, who was that couple? Oh, the weird political Weird political one The guy that Was with Pauline Hanson Yeah look I think that people

Give enough shit to the show About the people in it Not being celebrities Without us going in there And really fucking If you embrace that You know Yeah

They have bloggers And shit in there We'd have our listeners Following us over And just staying down the road Somewhere else South Africa podcast festival Yeah

I'll tell you I'll tell you the first time, the first night. Just one second. This might be my keys. Sorry. Yeah, yeah. Hello. Your keys can't ring you, by the way.

Do you mind if I call you back? I'm just doing a podcast. Okay. It's called the Little Dum Dum Club. Is he calling from your house? Was that them? That was my mum. Was that the key?

How did you not know that it was your mum's number? It's a blocked number. Your mum blocks her number. Yeah, I don't know why. So you can't ring her? Or maybe because sometimes if I see a call, it sounds horrible, but I would just go, all right, it's my mum, I'll call her back later because I might be doing, you know, maybe I take my mum for granted

and the lesson here is don't. You don't take it personally that when she rings you it's private? Is that a clue maybe? The fact that they keep moving? She can only ring you and you can't ring her. I don't have my mom's number. Is it really your mom? I've got to see a psychologist, guys.

No, I'll tell you a quick story. Because through the years, I just don't get starstruck by people generally unless it's someone that is just – and the person I was starstruck by when I was on that show was Shane Warne. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because I grew up watching Shane. See, I agree. He would be one of the people I would be starstruck by.

Yeah, and I was really starstruck. And I'm going, my God, that's the spin king. That's Shane Warne. He's an icon. And then by the third day that sort of kind of goes and as you know we're lying there in these stupid, horrible, you know. Just like bed. Like stretchers.

They're like stretchers and you're surrounded by TV lights which it's already hot anyway so it's triply hot. It's like, you know, like 55 degrees, 60 degrees in where and I'm lying there and I'm hungry and Shane comes over and all I can see is his head hovering and he goes, oh, mate. Because we got on quite well, surprisingly. And he goes, mate, I said, how are you going, Shane? He goes, I'm not feeling too good, mate.

I said, what's wrong? He goes, I've got the worst case of constipation. Seriously, I haven't done a shit in three days. And at that moment it occurred to me, I thought, when was this ever likely to happen? That's what you get from these sorts of shows. Did he get to use mobile? No, no.

He did smoke. He smoked, yeah. He smoked like – I heard he was always good to go to using mobile. I was like, damn, that's the power of Shane Ward. I didn't see him using a mobile, no. There are all these rumours that he's got like roast chicken in a special secret door.

I got to pray in the medic tent in there, in the cupboard, because I was just looking for food. I found tanning spray, tan spray and stuff like that. So the girls, some of them obviously were going in. Did you use some? Really? Listen, mate, I don't need that. Oh, that's my secret.

Have you got one now? It is not. It's all colour. It's all a gimmick. Let's wash the inside of that fridge And you His real name's Craig Craig Hussain You're the real Peter Seller

I get it So to get full circle Back to what I brought up to start with So Limo Got your gift On the gift list. So, we had him on the podcast a while back and we confronted him about it

and he was a bit shocked. He went, oh, that's right. No, no, I got your presents or whatever. So, I saw him not very long ago and he got me this big bag full of presents and was like, oh, there you go. Because I meant to give it to you ages ago and I forgot.

So, there it is. Just back from the Easter show to you ages ago and I forgot. So there it is. Just back from the Easter show. I do love that. You get done for not giving one. So your response is just give eight? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like a big bag full of presents. I forgot to give it back when we were talking ages ago and whatever.

So I'm embarrassed I forgot to give it to you. There you go. So he gives me this big bag full of presents. It looks very impressive. Good on you, Limo. He's done good, whatever. You know, you just forgot about it. I get it home. He's done good, whatever. You know, you just forgot about it. I get it home.

He's left the receipt in there. Oh. Which says that he bought it all yesterday. Oh, shit. No shit. Damn. But was it on special? No, I don't think so.

Was it nice stuff? It was, you know what it was? Did it befit his level of wealth? Look, I'm not interested in that. I'm aware. Yeah, I know, I know. Look, there's a lot of them. That's impressive.

It's one of those things where, you know, when you go into a gift shop and you don't know what someone wants, so you just go, they're all gifty things. Like candles. A lot of coasters and things like that. Right. A copy of Shit My Dad Says. Yes, yeah, all that sort of stuff.

Yeah, yeah. Things that are slightly interesting to everyone in the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he got caught out on a receipt. That's amateur level. That's very amateur. Yeah, I mean, I've had that before, though, where I've bought stuff and gotten it wrapped in the shop

and they've just put the receipt, you know, it's like a book, and they've just left the receipt in the cover of the book. It's like, come on, guys. When I got married, most of my family are doctors for some reason. It's just a cultural thing. What did Limo get you when you got married? He got me nothing. Yet.

He'll come good. He'll come good. But my uncle, who's an extremely wealthy skin specialist, for my wedding gave me something he found in his garage, I'm sure. It was a huge picture of Lassie and it was an actual clock as well. So it was a clock Lassie and it was gigantic and it wasn't even new. It was just wrapped it up in brown paper. Happy.

It must be the worst thing about being wealthy is like once people around you know that you have a lot of money, it's like any gift-giving occasion, you're expected to just absolutely go crazy. Like Lisa Wilkinson. If you invite Lisa Wilkinson to your house, everyone knows she's got a lot of money now or more than. Yeah, right. I want to be friends with her just for that reason.

Yeah, I might have a housewarming and get her in here. Maybe she'll bring a couch. She'll deck the whole thing out. Fiona Lachlan just won. I'm a celebrity. Get her in here. She's got money. She's loaded.

Got a bit of cash. She'll bring some shivers regal with her. Do you get to deal with her? You don't get any money from Logie? Unless he sells his Logie. Yeah. How much money do you get for selling a Logie? Is there a market for that?

Oh, yeah. Cash converters. Yeah. I said this to him. I want to try and find out. I want him to put it on eBay and just see what happens. He doesn't have to accept

the offer, he can just... Yeah, because you can cancel it, can't you? Yeah, exactly. Probably get his eBay account

cancelled, but you know, it's a small price to pay, just know exactly... Well, Gumtree's good. Are you talking, who are you talking about?

Dilraba Jai Singer. Dilraba Jai Singer. He's a friend of ours who just won the best newcomer logo. And the Dum Dum Dumb Club, mate, were big supporters along the way. We tried to rig it.

We got all of our listeners to stuff the ballot box. So this is a very powerful podcast to be affiliated with, I think. I think it's more, it's not as powerful as it is. It just shows how few people, how few normal people vote for the Logies.

I think that's what it actually is. What's the website? Now to Love. Yeah. Oh, that's one of my favourite websites. If you saw that in the browser history, you'd be like, fuck, no. Grand Denier is the first celebrity to win the Gold Logie and he's actually smaller than a statue.

But do you, I mean, the thing with like when people know that there's a, like with Grand Denier, like a lot of people are crediting Tom Gleeson's campaign. Yeah. But do you think that takes something away from Grand Denier? Because I reckon he's got, oh, no. Do you think it takes something away from Grand Denier that everyone's saying he only won because of Tom Gleeson?

He only won because of, like, a funny campaign, as opposed to him being broadly the most popular. If we're going to give that credit to Tom Gleeson, here's the next challenge. Hey, Tom Gleeson, here's the next challenge. Hey, Tom Gleeson, create a funny campaign where you win a Logie. Yeah, he deserves a Logie too. Meryl Streep has been in touch with him saying, can you help me with my next struggles?

Yeah, let's punt the Oscars. Is there like a Logies for podcasts? I don't think so. There's an Australian podcasting awards, but it's one of those ones where you've got to like Nominate yourself And pay to be in it Oh yeah yeah Which I think is not worth it

Yeah we get emails Every now and then Every year that goes Oh you've been nominated To be in the podcasting awards And it's like cool Well put us in there Oh no you have to pay

All this Well we're not interested Because then you have to Campaign for yourself And it's like Yeah That's the same as The Australian Writers Guild Awards

So then what happens Is some Comedy podcast wins That no one's ever heard of And then people go and paying for yourself and it's like yeah that's the time it's the Australian Writers Guild Award so then what happens is some certain comedy podcast wins that no one's ever heard of and then people go how come you didn't win it's like

because they paid for their own trophy but is there like a union for podcasters like the Writers Guild Award I was Legally Brown

won an award and two of the writers were paid up members and I wasn't so I didn't get a trophy for your own show that's so good but they did but they were like well you've got to become a member of the writers were paid up members and I wasn't. So I didn't get a trophy. Oh, yes. For your own show.

For my own show, yeah. That's so good. But they did. But they were like, well, you've got to become a member because it's like a union. We all support each other. You sell out or whatever, you know, like what's a person called when you don't support the union?

Scab. Scab, yeah. I'm a scab. I'm a scab. So you guys are like podcasting scabs. Yeah, yeah, totally, totally. You could say that even if we were in the union. We should sort of seem like scabs anyway.

One of us start a union and one of us not be in it so that we can have both sides of the picket line. A little Dum Dum Club. Remember that national podcast strike of 2018? Yeah. I can't believe this podcast was doing it for free. We all fucking do it for free. Yeah, podcast strike.

No guests will come on, so we just have to spin our wheels for an hour. Talk about the fridge for a full hour. Fucking hell. Grow a beard just so we've got something to talk about. See, now this is what our listeners have been doing lately. I want to encourage this now, talking about doing stuff for free. Getting things, for a while we were getting stuff offered to us for free and I think we need to start a new free shit corner on this show.

Yes. Someone has volunteered lately some free stuff to us, which I'm always appreciative, but I couldn't help but question why they were offering this stuff to us for free. What's the match between this thing and our podcast? Someone that works in the Melbourne Opera Company was like, oh, I thought of you two guys and if you wanted some tickets to the opera.

What about this podcast made you think that we were ready for the fine art of opera? So you get tickets to the opera? Yeah. He was like, oh, I work in there. I can get you as many tickets as you want. Take them, sell them. Yeah. They said as many tickets as we want. No, like a bunch.

Oh, man. Opera tickets are not cheap. They're not cheap. They're not cheap, sure, but if we're being offered a lot, I've got this distinct feeling that something hasn't sold. You know what I mean? I'll go to the opera. Let's do it. Let's try and get some opera stars on this podcast. People that know nothing about

us or the world of comedy, we know nothing about them and we just try and meet in the middle and see what we can do. I don't think you've got enough room to get an opera singer here. That's a comment about how small your place is. Yes. No, no, I get it. No, no, I got it. Not a big day up.

I think it's meeting in the middle. I don't think that that's a good idea, Tommy. Opera singers. Because, you know, whenever you see those TV shows where they get a comedian plus an opera singer plus a whatever, and it's never that good. You just want comedians. You just want to know where they get their ideas from.

Dave Chappelle and John Mayer are doing a show together in Montreal. Neither of them are opera singers. Yes. So why have you brought this up? I'm just a musician and comedian. Not yet. But it's always desperate when you – like I've done gigs, you know, when I'm touring and one gig hasn't sold well at all

and you go on radio to try and promote it and they say, they don't know how many you've sold. And they say, can we give away a couple of comps? And you go, oh, give away as many as you want. Let me guess, this is in Adelaide? Yeah, yeah. It made that whole run in like regional Adelaide. Right.

Like Waiala and all that. That's really, yeah, they don't like me. Is that where these opera tickets are in Adelaide? You know what? Adelaide are just allergic to buying tickets though. That's it. It's not you. It happens to us.

South Australia generally is a tough market for some reason. I feel like your listeners, off the momentum of Dil's win, they are now eager to, as a listener myself, we're eager to help out. We want to get on another bandwagon. We want to support someone. Maybe in the opera scene there's someone there. Yes, an underdog opera singer.

An underdog who's not being recognised. Let's give this person a cult celebrity status. I feel like opera is probably the last world in which you can apply the term underdog. They all seem pretty well. Have you seen Billy Elliot? You've seen Billy Elliot? That kid.

Was it dance? It was a similar thing. Very similar, yeah. Have you seen Friday Night Lights? Have you seen Breaking Bad? Isn't the dance scene pretentious, the one that he tries to enter into? But if you had just seen him on stage, you'd be like, what a pretentious little rich kid.

He's obviously had a privileged upbringing, but he has an underdog story. So you think there's some opera singers that are working at the Ford factory during the day? Selling a big issue during the day and then doing a bit of Carmen at night. Sneaking into the theatre, looking at the opera singers through the floor. You know, all that.

Homeless opera. Yeah, yeah. Use your powers for good. Pov-o-rotty. Pov-o-rotty. Yes. Nice work. Pov-o-rotty.

Can I borrow a tenor? Greg Fleet, the opera singer. Nice. I've got nothing. No, I'm not good with those. It's their first language. No, no, no. He's a Stephen Wright rip-off.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I'll go to the opera. Let's go to the opera. It'll be good. What you could do is do an experiment. We'll say Nazeem, say you get an opera singer to do your room and Nazeem does Madame Butterfly. Oh, yes.

Right. Why don't you get an opera singer at one of your live shows? Yeah. I mean, all you're doing is demonising them right now. You're not giving them any credit. Yeah. Well, you just said John Mayer and Dave Chappelle are doing shows together. So I think it's like Mayer kind of jams out while Chappelle talks.

I think so. I just read the description. So first half, Chappelle does a set, then Mayer, and then there's a break, and then they come and do it together somehow. Yeah. Well, because he did a bit on Chappelle's show where he was playing guitar. Because he does stand-up. John Mayer does a bit of stand-up.

He has in the past. Yeah, he's done some stand-up. He's actually friends with, do you know James Smith? Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. In New York, Australia. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I would love to get a – I would love to do something like that with this. We just have like – we just have some muso. And they just go – Just some saxophone player while we riff over the top of it. Just the avalanches behind us. Just DJing behind us. I think an opera singer would go, good day, Dick Hayes. That would be amazing.

Yeah, yeah. You should totally, you know, that could be, I feel like they're just the unsung heroes. I feel like this is an idea where we go, yeah, we have completed the task when we do it and then no one's particularly happy with it. Like the opera singer's like, why did I waste my time? The audience is like, okay, I guess you ticked a box.

What's the mecca of opera? Like where's the place in the world? It'd be Italy, right? Somewhere in Italy? Probably. There's a lot of, yeah. Havarotti sounds a ton. We've got to do the next live podcast in Vienna.

Germany. Some like big opera venue. What do you think there's like a most popular tenor? Like, you know, there's like a Logies for opera and we just find a candidate. Hang on, you're saying what's the mecca? We did a fucking gig at the Sydney Opera House last year. Yeah. Well, you know, you know what would be more challenging if you did what's the Mecca? We did a fucking gig at the Sydney Opera House last year. Yeah. Well, you know what would be more challenging?

If you did a gig in Mecca, Saudi Arabia. Yes. You'd die on that. The call to prayer, mate. We've already done our best. We did a show at the Opera House. They didn't turn up. That's on them.

We did our best. All right, I take it all back. Fuck the opera. Yeah. A friend of mine who does a great line, he says, I went to the opera

and I got ripped off because the fat lady sang first. So you're not going, alright, fine, well, that's a silly idea then.

I just thought, you know, you'd like to support some of the other artists. No, not for us. Comedians are very selfish. Self-centred.

What have you got, Nazeem? You turned up late, speaking of comedians being selfish. I lost my keys. You wasted Akmal's time. You lost your keys on the way. You know what? This is how ironic it is. Last night after your gig, I went to hang out with my friends.

And then, long story short, we went to Gaylord's, that Indian restaurant. Yep. Great food. Check it out. I should hopefully get some free food off the back of that plug. Anyway, he left his keys there. You love a bit of freebies, don't you?

I want free Gaylords. I'm co-signing this plug. It's great. What do you have to do to get free food at Gaylords? I'd hate to ask. If you go into Gaylords, they've got all these photos of famous people that they've met. There's a chef with all these famous people.

I feel like a lot of people go to Gaylord because it's called Gaylord. I feel like a lot of people are going. I used to think that too, but it is genuinely very good food. It's really good food. I went recently, it's really good. And the guy kept making jokes about my friend who was wearing a shiny purple shirt going, do you want some buys? Yeah, he kept like kind of making like.

He runs a place called Gaylord and he's making jokes about that. And he goes, we've got some buys out the back. And it was really weird. Anyway. Maybe there's no jokes at all. That's right. It's just the real deal. Why do you assume?

Maybe it wasn't a joke. Actually, maybe it would have been quite hospitable. I'm a bit more of a fan of Woolly Woofter's Chinese that's down the street. But that's just personal preference. All right. So you're in Gaylord. Avoid the sauce. So you're in Gaylords. Avoid the sauce. If you can.

What a way to christen this new place that I live in. Look, after this, I'll be surprised if they let us all pass grade five. But anyway. So we left the keys at Gaylords and we didn't realise we went out to Stalactites for a long time. The last time was in Stalactites. Which is a Greek restaurant. Greek restaurant upstairs.'t realise we went out to Stalactites for a long time. The last time was in Stalactites. Which is a great restaurant. Great restaurant.

Upstairs. You went from Gaylord's to Stalactites. We went to Gaylord's. We did a whole lap of Ligon to see if anything was going on there. It was shit. It was dead. Ligon's done. It's had its time.

Yeah. That was the early 2000s or 90s obviously. So we came back to the city. Let's go to Stalactites. Last time was at Stalactites. Went to the toilet upstairs. Shit around the whole toilet. Yeah, you told this on the pod.

So I went and check it out. The toilet was clean, so let's stay here. So we hung there until like 1.30. So you went to check if the toilet was clean. Yeah, because I didn't want to, I don't know, it's just like I don't want to be in a restaurant where I know the toilet has shit smeared on the walls and the room. I've been to restaurants where the shit have been.

Yes, no mentioning names. So then it was have been. Yes. No mentioning names. So then it was a boys' night. All these dads who were just like, oh, we get to hang out past 10 o'clock. Dad joke. Anyway, we went home at 1.30. We got to my place where my friends met me so that we could go to the sea together. We get out of the car. See you later, guys.

My friends are like, oh, crap. I don't have my car keys. Oh. So we started ringing up. European Beer Cafe. They didn't have the car keys. They looked at all the rooms. And I don't even know if they looked it took five minutes to say right yeah um then we called up stalactites there's no and i was like well gaylords obviously

closed it closed at 11 o'clock but we rang anyway and it got to 1 30 some guy picked up and he said hello i've been waiting for your car and it sounded like he was in bed and he said, I've been calling you all night. And I was like, you don't have my number? He goes, yeah, I do because you called me and I got that number there for, anyway. Oh, for the booking. Yeah, for the booking.

And so, and I realised I did have like seven missed calls from him and so he was at home. Hang on, you only just realised you had seven missed calls from a number. I don't know how I missed that. Could have been your mum. So he goes, yeah, I've got the keys. We tied it up in a knot, something complicated.

So we drove all the way to the city and we put our hand through the hole where the keys were supposed to be. Oh, no. They weren't in the key. Rookie mistake. It's not like a glory hole, but we handed the hole at the gay lords. It was an envelope and it had- At least it was your hand.

All it had was the freaking people that were coming to my show, the door list. Right. And there was no key. We're like, where's the keys? And he goes, oh, you want the key? We're like, yes, this is where we drove. He goes, we wouldn't leave the key there for you.

It's dangerous. Someone could steal your key. Oh, so they just left out a piece of paper. It was really bad communication. So we were like, what the fuck are you doing now? So we drove all the way to Eltham where he had a spare key with his wife and then we drove all the way back to my place, Secura East. It was 3 o'clock.

He drove home and I was like, oh, that's ridiculous. Never lose your keys again. Anyway, today I was in the city for an appointment and then afterwards my wife went her way and I went to the – where did I go? I went to a hotel just in the lobby to sit and Google restaurants to go to and then I went to a dumpling restaurant two doors down, has a vegetarian dumpling.

So you just Google. You end up going somewhere that's two places, two doors down from where you sit and Google. Pretty much. I was just like, where is closest to me that's the best? Yeah, where's the least shit? Where's the least shit near where I am? The least shit on the walls of the bathroom.

Anyway, and then from there I took an Uber to come to your place at 110. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, and then I got out of the Uber and I realised that a guy dropped me about 500 metres away and I don't have my keys. So it's a long, boring story. No, no. I was riveted. Called up the Uber driver and he said, I dropped you.

So I went back after giving him a one star. Oh, no. Three stars because he dropped me 500 metres away. Yeah, that's fair. Three stars, which is still pretty offensive. Right. And we searched his car, no keys. I called up the hotel where I was sitting in the lobby at, no key there.

I didn't know the Chinese restaurant, so I started going on Google Maps. You've got to find another hotel to sit in the lobby of to look up the Chinese restaurant. Because I don't even know the name of this place. Yeah. Chinese something. I don't know, Dumpling King. Mr. Dumpling. You know, they're all called the same fucking thing when they sell dumplings

I mean how many original can you be with a dumpling is that right I don't think so sounds like everyone in this story is an idiot apart from you who can't find

fucking keys I don't know so right now I currently don't have my car keys or house keys and my wife's at a parent's place

and there's plenty of room here obviously this is well furnished basically can I stay here tonight yeah you can sleep there so I don't have a spare this is well furnished. Can I stay here tonight? Yeah, you can sleep there. So I don't have a spare key as well to the car.

So I'm screwed, guys. Yeah. Nice. I told you, it's editable. That isn't editable. Just edit that shit out. Well, we better not keep you. Sounds like you've got a big afternoon ahead of you.

I'm on 20% battery. If only you'd had some Lebanese cousins, you would be in your house by now. What about the car? What car? How do you get into the car? So where have you left your car? Again Again you need some

Some boys from the hood By the time they listen to this shit I'll have gotten in hopefully No you're hopeless You still won't have your keys This has gone up in three weeks You'll still be keyless Someone knows how to break into my house

I live at 339 You're just a fan of saying numbers well we better wrap it up for another week on the little dum-dum club Nazeem and Akmal thank you so much

for joining us thank you for inviting me thanks for having us it's been a pleasure Akmal you got anything coming up you want to plug yeah I'm doing

Carl's room I know this is going ages away so doesn't matter yeah alright okay I'll just say I've just done Carl's Room tomorrow. I know, but this is going ages away. It doesn't matter. Yeah, all right. Okay, I'll just say I've just done Carl's Room and I killed.

Great. Basement Comedy Club, it was a pleasure to have you. Thanks to me bombing right before you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm doing Tommy's Room and Carl's Room probably. Netflix. Doing a Netflix special. Don't know when that's out.

You're doing my room Netflix, yep. Yeah, and hopefully by the time this is out, I'll have not bombed on my Netflix special. So check it out. Fuck, that's out you do in my room Netflix yep and hopefully by the time this is out I'll have not bombed on my Netflix special so check it out fuck that's a good room for a comedy a good idea for a comedy room

if you call it Netflix just so everyone's got that credit you may have seen me on Netflix that is really cool yeah we'll call it

The Tonight Show oh yeah yeah you should change your second name to Baron yeah yeah you've got it set exactly then they'll mistake me for you yeah that's right Oh, yeah, yeah. You should change your second name to Baron. Yeah, yeah. You've got it set.

Exactly. Then they'll mistake me for you. Yeah. That's right. Great. Guys, thank you very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. Bye. And they've done it again.

I bet they have. Fun stuff. Yep. Akamal gets it. First time guest We've got a few of them I did the totals the other day We're into double figures

In the first time guest issue Which I feel good about That is good Yeah it's good to Yeah good to get some new names in there Yeah got a new face next week as well Yes Yeah I don't

I didn't really know Akamal at all And yeah he got it Yeah He got it real quick I didn't know him either He was funny and yeah, he got it. He got it real quick. I didn't know him either. He was funny, told some good stories. Yes. Had some good laughs.

Like we said about the big live show at the top of the show, yeah, Melbourne, October 27 on a Saturday night, big, big show. No excuse to not to be there. We've given you plenty of notice if you want to fly in from interstate, which a bunch of you do like to do. This is a real landmark episode. I would say it's A, a massive live podcast, and B, I would assume that this is going to continue our tradition

of the roast afterwards that's unrecorded. So make sure you are there. That sort of shit is usually way too libelous for us to put out or anything like that. I'm sure there's a bunch of pod fans. We don't need to name them. But there's a couple of other live. We don't need to name them, but there's a couple other live podcasts happening that weekend in Melbourne as well.

There is too. There's probably a few of you out there very keen on making a little big old sexless weekend of this. A little big one. Yeah, there is a lot of podcasts in town that weekend, so if you want to make a real weekend of it and make our podcast a cherry on the top in which I assume that you only like the cherry and you chuck away the rest of the cake. Yes.

Then do that. So this live Adelaide. Live in Melbourne. Adelaide live in Melbourne. Yeah. Our biggest ever Adelaide live show. What have we got? We got, they got Coopers down there at the Comics Lounge.

I'm pretty sure they got Coopers. Do they? I think they do. I have no got? We got, they got Coopers down there at the Comics Lounge. Pretty sure they got Coopers. Do they? I think they do. I have no idea what they got. Well, that'll be changing. Yeah. We'll have to get some of that in. I don't like Coopers.

Me either. I don't want it in there. But this theme was your idea. Yeah. And the first sign of making it in any way Adelaide themed, you're like, no. No, I don't want that bit. We didn't have to have a completely accurate thing. As long as we get some pies in there or something, I'm happy with that.

We should get some pies in there. But we need to get, yeah, late night pies. That's a good idea. Maybe we keep a section completely empty for like the actual people from Adelaide. We should just have Snowtown playing on a screen behind us in silence. Yeah. Someone acting it out. Probably someone acting it out in the front bar would be more of a chance.

Yeah, very excited. And you know what? You know what? This is what we should do. Reserve an actual section for people that fly over from Adelaide. Let's keep a little mosh pit or something for the actual Adelaide people. Okay. Yeah.

And they're in – it's like the silent disco where they're on a delay and they're hearing everything half an hour after we've said it. Yeah. Because they're still – they and they're hearing everything half an hour after we've said it yeah because they're still they got that time difference let's we'll try and think of like i was thinking before maybe we give a slight discount to anyone coming from adelaide but then it's like everyone's going to be like fuck i'm from adelaide yeah it'll be like people all this you know it'll be like oh yeah my grandma yeah my grandma uh was there for a week in school yeah and and setting up fake addresses yeah i, I live in Adelaide. One Get Fuck Street, Norwood.

Number one pie floater avenue. Yeah. So we won't do that, but let's work on, let's think of some special seating arrangement for the Adelaide listeners or something. Okay. There's got to be some special VIP, actual bona fide Adelaide listener section in the show.

Yeah. I think that's it. Yeah. So that's very exciting. Always fun when we do these big – yeah. We do a big – we do so many shows where we're in the middle of the afternoon on a Sunday or whatever. It's fun to just absolutely swing our dicks around

and take control of a Saturday evening. God, it feels good. Get a prime time. Usually we're sort of dicking around with pubs going, oh, I know you've got something good on at night, so we'll just take the 1pm shift because that's fucking no one else wants it. Well, we're big boys now. We'll take prime time now.

Thanks very much. Yeah, and there is something to be said for like in the past. We're like, oh, we don't want to get in the way of people's other plans. No, fuck that. No, we can be the plans. We're your fucking plan. We can be the plans that are in the way of other stuff other plans. No, fuck that. No, we can be the plans. We're your fucking plan. We can be the plans that are in the way of other stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You can be missing out on your kid's fucking school play to come to this. Yeah, move your kid's school play to 1 p.m. on a Saturday now. All right? Let's get our priorities right. If someone wants to move their kid's school play into the middle of our podcast and then we get up afterwards and roast it, we'll take offers. Let us know. If you want us maybe to act out the school play instead.

Yeah. And we'll cast your kid in it. Yeah, right. Take the kid out of school. Don't put him in the school play. We'll do a Rad Dad. He can play something in the Rad Dad. Yeah, we can work out a way to merge Rad Dad and fucking Joseph

in the Technicolor Dream Code. Yeah, totally. Find a happy compromise. So that's exciting. That's the first of – like we're not doing a lot of live shows at the moment. We're having a bit of a breather for a few months and whatever. So I think that will kick off a new little run of live shows. A little mini national tour.

Like you just said at the top, just about to announce a couple that didn't quite get over the line for us to give out dates right this second. But that will be coming. Should we say the cities so that they can start jizzing their little pantaloons in anticipation? I'd like to think that some cities are sitting on the edge of their seat. Is it going to be us? Okay, well, I'm – Here's a big spoiler.

Not Adelaide. Yeah. Well, you know what? I'm overruling you. It's official, guys. We're coming to Brazil. Wow. We've seen all the messages on Facebook and Twitter over the years.

The noise is absolutely deafening. So, yeah, this is exciting. As part of the Copacabana, they're bringing us over, I believe. Is that what's happening? Did you start to say Copacabana and stumbled over it because saying cope, you're so used to saying cop on cow? No, no, no. I just went, is it Copacabana?

And then I went, yes, it is. Continue. Yeah, no, it's going to be great in Brazil. Yeah. Looking forward to that. Anyway, yeah, good little, yeah, some big live shows coming up at the back end of the year for these two good boys. Yep, yep, yep.

That'll be fun. Now, let's get on to, is there any other pressing business apart from the live shows? Not really. I do not know that there is. Quick bit of, everyone's always buying the merch, so we haven't talked about that for a little bit. Oh, yeah. But hey, you know what?

Worth a trip to the website. If you're one of those guys, people that don't download directly from the website, so you don't have a lot of reason to go there, hey, worth going there. Have a look at what merch we've got there at the moment. Have a look at, we've both got albums there. Yes. Stand-up albums. If you're one of those people that live remotely

and never get the chance to listen to any of our stand-up, go to live shows or anything like that, we've got very cheap albums on sale there. So cheap and, you know what, don't listen to, I was going to say don't listen to other people about the quality of our sound. Don't listen to us and the jokes we make about it but and also guess uh we got some good albums out there so um go and grab one of them oh i'd like to plug my little

comic book that i have for sale at the moment tommydassolo.bigcartel.com you can get a little comic of some little little autobiographical japes that i've put together a lot of people loving that very much i put my dad in charge of posting them out while we're in Koh Samui. I honestly didn't expect any of them to ever reach their destination but people got them and they're very into it. So that's cool to hear. Put a link on the website. Get on the website. Oh yeah. We've got to redo

that website. Well, we don't have to do anything because we don't know how to do that. Yeah. We've got to prod the guy who does it for us is what I mean. And take all the credit when it looks good Look it's tough It's tough because He's doing it out of the goodness of his own heart

So we can't crack the whip and go Fucking hurry up I love a bit of whip cracking I'll leave you in charge of the whip Okay Oh fuck I've been given the whip You can do the whip around Yeah and if you go there

There's also a link to our Patreon. Yes. You may have heard us mention that, I don't know, maybe a year or two ago, but we have a thing called a Patreon. Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub. This is a way that you can keep the wheels turning in the LittleDumbDumbClub caravan. It keeps us well fed. Thank you very much for dinner tonight, every one of you.

Doesn't it seem like a million years ago that we used to do this up the top of the show? Yeah. What the fuck were we thinking? I don't know. And people would, like, get into us and we would just tell them to go fuck themselves. We were so – for whatever reason, we just really didn't want to hear it.

There was such a simple – I think we thought it was, like, the only options were do it up the front of the show or don't do it at all. Yeah. We were so reluctant to consider a third option. Who was the person? Some lady just messaged us out of the blue and went, why don't you just put it up the back?

And we're like, oh, fuck. Of course. God, that's stupid. And then do you remember like a week after we did it for the first time, we bumped into Will Anderson in the street and he was like, look, I love the Patreon read, but I've been wanting to say to you for ages. Yeah, just put it up the back. We're like, why didn't you? We would have listened to you.

Thank you. By the way, we've talked on the show about how Will subscribes on Patreon and we sent out a little bit of bonus content the other day and it bounced back from the old Will Anderson email address that we have on file. So, Will, you're missing out on a good magazine, brother.

I private messaged him. Did you really? Yeah. He got it all. Did he say, I don't care? No, he didn't. He just, he just got it. I don't know.

I didn't hear anything more, but he's got it. He's got, we didn't, we're not ripping anyone off. Okay, that's good. I do, fuck, it is a pain in the ass. There's certain people that have wrong email addresses. Yeah, spell their email address wrong. Bounces back every time. And then I've got to fucking individually send it out to them.

Fuck it. Yeah, and then, yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's that every month. And then there's the- Lisa Storer, get your shit together. Yeah. It's a fact because, yeah, I send them out a bit. I send the episodes out. And then you hit send and then immediately the inbox blows up with

either address not found or here's the other one. People's fucking out of office replies. Must be nice. Wouldn't I have that turned on when we went to Koh Samui? Yeah. I guess because that is my office, I think. I shouldn't really have that turned on when I come back to Melbourne. Yeah, yeah.

So, again, not sure if I've mentioned this. It must have been a couple of years back. But we supply these bonus little things if you sign up to the Patreon. You get a bonus episode at the $10 tier or more. You get bonus magazine at the $5 tier or more. And you also, at that $5 tier, start to qualify for the possibility of your name being read out, which is, what a world where you can be part of your favorite podcast of all time. You can have your name read out in that old romper room style. Of course, I don't think those kids were paying for their names to be read out.

That would have been a little bit creepy, but that's what we do. Let me ask you this. Were you ever, back in the day, did you ever sign up to any fan clubs for any bands or things that you were into? No, I don't think so. I would love to have. I was definitely a person that would have gotten into that. Yeah, that was old school Patreon.

I always used to see that sort of stuff listed in comics and magazines and stuff that I would get if I would get an imported imported thing from you know an american magazine or whatever from a news agent and i just always assumed you could never do it here yeah you know what i was a member of the doctor who fan club hell yes in australia you fucking dork totally wow what'd you get newsletter newsletter yeah and what sort of stuff was in the newsletter oh he's gone back in time again yeah he's done it again Yeah Was it like this It was

Yeah it was just all news Fake Starlet comedy I Oh what was I going to say There was Yeah there was that You know what You know what I also

Time Lord Yeah You know what I also Signed up for Which is insane It was so clunky Compared to what they got now But I also You know how Like which is insane. It was so clunky compared to what they've got now. But I also, you know how they've got fantasy football now?

You're not into that sort of stuff. But I'm starting up a Dum Dum League again this year. I've had it the last year or two for English Premier League, Dum Dum Fantasy League, where a lot of listeners come in and I generally beat fucking at least 30% of them. That's pretty sweet. Basically before the internet, I used to do that, but it was mail order. Oh, God.

The fucking clunkiest thing of all time where it's like someone plays, but you've got to make all your moves like weeks in advance. You're looking at the fixture list going, oh, yeah, we're playing Wimbledon in a month. I'll change my substitutes around. But just anything. Yeah, anything that's already like a little bit dorkier, a little bit sad. Having to fucking get the postal service involved.

Like writing, like I used to read a lot of video game magazines and like the letters pages of that where people going like, hey to the editors, what do you think's gonna happen in the next sonic game and it's like you had to fucking write this down on a bit of paper and then go to your fucking letterbox and buy a stamp and put it in the post yeah you fucking loser back then as well like there was no um uh i don't think there was much airmail with magazines so it'd be the same thing if you're into something english yeah like the you i mean you're into something English. I mean you were right into video games. Is this magazine still around, Computer and Video Games Monthly,

C&VG Monthly? Have you heard of that magazine? I don't know if they still are. I remember it's British though, isn't it? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know if it still is. I do know what you're talking about though.

Yeah. C& VG. I just used to get EGM, Electronic Gaming Monthly, which was an American one. But even that, that was in the days when like getting an imported magazine from your news agent, it was like five months out of date. So it was like previews for stuff that's like, yeah, I finished this last night. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then going like, oh, I wonder what's around this corner. Yeah. It's like, I'll tell you. The English stuff was traditionally like three months out of a year or so. And also it was like $40 because they've paid like air freight prices to get it shipped in. Just to look it up, Computer and Video Games was a UK-based video game magazine. Published in its original form between 1981 and 2004. So its offshoot website was launched in 99 and closed in 2015.

How bad are you going when your website closes? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking hell. I think of all the print media that is desperately clinging to life, video game magazines are the most baffling that they're still around. Right. Because you're dealing in websites now, they can show stuff instantly and they can show videos,

show what the game is actually going to look like. You've got this magazine that's like month to month so it's always going to be out of date and it's just these grainy printed ass fucking stills on a piece of paper. There's still a couple kicking around and it's mind-blowing. I like how I just tried to go to computerandvideogames.com and there's just some other games website who just bought it. Really?

It redirects to there. I mean, that's great stuff. Yeah. Very smart. Let me plug my video games podcast. It's called Filthy Casuals. Go look that up. I'll plug my video games podcast as well.

It's called I Am Fucked and a Nerd. Yeah. So listen. Listen. Have a good listen. It's just me playing Ms Miss Pac-Man every week. I thought that went out of business in 2001. No, look, I let my website lapse.

So that's gone. That redirects. Some other thing that's fucked can jump on that domain. Hey, by the way, I'm in a bit of Carl Chandler territory. I let my website, I let my domain expire. Nice. Because I got a different credit card. I changed my credit card number.

And they were trying to auto bill me. And they couldn't. I'm getting a new credit card because I got phished on the weekend. Yeah, you told me. I got phished. I don't know what happened with mine. My card snapped. So I had to get a new one.

And it's such a pain in the ass. Although it was kind of good because I had a month where all the stuff that like auto – you know, I'm auto subscribed to, then they bounce back and you get those things where it's like, hey, we tried to debit your card and we couldn't. And it's just a good reminder of like, hey, that's right. I never fucking used that thing. I'm just not going to update the information on this.

Right. It's good to have like an enforced purge. But you'll have that. You don't subscribe to anything though. What do you mean? What do you – because I have all these like services that I've subscribed to and thought these will be good and then I just don't use any of them. But you seem like you're a little more discerning in what you go in on.

Yeah, yeah. But I mean I was just thinking about today. Like it means Netflix. I buy like the Adobe Suite. Oh, yeah, yeah. But you need to keep those going because I had a raft of things where it's like… Like what? Every time I would get billed for it, I'm like, I've got to fucking cancel that.

Like what? A couple of streaming things. I went in on Hulu and Amazon Prime and stuff. Okay. Just a bunch of shit. You sign up for like a free trial or something to, you know, listen to the, like title. You sign up to listen to the one thing that's on there and then you just forget to cancel it.

Right, right, right, right. Yeah, look, it'll be that thing where next time I go to buy stuff on Amazon or whatever, it's going to be, oh, fucking hell. Yeah. So, yeah, I've got to make a list and figure out what, get my shit together. So, you got scammed. You lost, what, a thousand? Do you get that back? Yep. Great. Yeah. So, yeah, I've got to make a list and figure out what – get my shit together. So, you got scammed. You lost, what, a thousand? Do you get that back?

Yep. Great. Yep. I got a – it's weird because I got scammed and I never give my fucking credit card out anywhere. And I gave it out. I got someone to come around and fix a computer here. And I got – I had to talk to this guy on the phone.

It's like a proper company in Australia. And I had to read out the credit card number. Right. I hate that. I was like, this feels not right. And then they're like, and now read out the number on the back. And I'm like, do I have to do this? And they're like, yeah.

And I go, I'm paying cash for this, aren't I? And they go, yeah. Why the fuck am I doing this? Yeah. No, you've got to do it. All right. As soon as I do it, boom. Really?

Well. I hate using those websites that you use through like Skyscanner when you buy flights and, you know, they take you to some fucked like third-party site where it's just like barely – it looks like it's been built on GeoCities and you can see the little lock in your browser bar but you're like, I'm going to get fucking done. There's nothing about this feels good to put my credit card number into.

That's the thing. I reckon I only ever put my credit card number Into things that are pretty decent Like what? This is fucked and nerd.com Your own website So your own podcast Yes

And I haven't been scammed yet Before that Anyway It was a hardware store in the US. That's the other funny thing that you told me. Yeah, that's great. Yeah. Five purchases made in the American Bunnings,

something like that. Fuck, that's good. Yeah. That's real good. But like the expensive fucking things. And I got, yeah, then I get texted by the Commonwealth Bank saying, is this a real purchase? But I'm being texted by some weird, very, very random number.

And it looks like a scam. Right. I'm not going to fall for this one. And then I left it for a day. And then I look up that number. And like, you know, it's like a reverse Australia where you sort of look up people's numbers. Yeah. Is this real?

Imagine that website gets a big old workout from you. Yeah, totally. And I go there and it's like here's the number and then there's like 10 reviews going you know what's wrong with this number is this number dodgy or real and like five of them say oh yeah it's dodgy and five of them say it's real yeah so then i go i look it up and go no it's real so then i start dealing back and forth to the commonwealth bank about it and then i'm like who's fucking leaving reviews saying it's dodgy? The scammers?

Maybe. Like just trying to fucking muddy the water so they can get away with it? Who's going, fucking Commonwealth Bank, this isn't real, when it actually is real? It's probably someone who thinks they've done nothing wrong and it's like the bank calling them to go, you owe us all this money, and them being like, you fucking scum. Maybe it's like ANZ Bank them to go you know you owe us all this money and then being like you're fucking scared maybe it's like anz bank doing it all yeah yeah yeah other banks nab bank just going yeah fuck comoros bank i'll get i'll get people to never respond to

their text messages yeah but they should have comoros bank should have like a number that's like 1-800 we have money or fucking whatever instead of just me being texted by 043-8660, you know, whatever it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's some shit number. Yeah. Get a good number that at least makes me think, oh, that's a fucking nice round number. That must be- Your phone rings and you look at the screen and it's just the dollar sign like eight times

in a row. Yes. And you're like, oh, it's the bank. Totally. Totally. Yeah. Fucking get a- don't bother with these fucking ghetto street numbers. Jesus Christ.

Anyway, so it took me a day to respond to it. And then when I dealt with it, it was like, oh, yeah. A few more purchases down at the hardware store. Probably. A few more hammers. Cement mixer. Yeah. Fucking one million sausages in bread.

Anyway, it's all fixed now. Good. Well, a happy ending. Yeah. Yeah, very happy. Like, you know, everyone wins. Fucking that guy gets all these fucking free hammers and saws and whatever, and I get my money back.

The perfect crime. So. Speaking of perfect crimes. Yes. Us getting away with getting money off you people for reading your names out. Now, as we all know, this is the part of the show where I crank up the old unplanned title alternator to keep this nice and fair. Now, this is secure.

I believe so. I put my credit card into this every week. Do you? Well, yeah. I had to turn it on. Oh, so you subscribe to our Patreon? Is that what you're saying? No.

I'm paying the subscription fee to get this thing going. Right, right, right. And I have to, for whatever reason, it makes me put my credit card in every time. Okay. And I mean, I trust this. It's a reliable piece. It's done – it's never done – as far as I can remember, it's never done us wrong.

Great. Over the whole time we've used it. And we've given it a good workout with all different amounts of names that we read out every week. Yeah, we really put this thing through its paces. Yeah, it should be buggered by now, but it's still holding up strong. All right, thanks to Patreon subscriber. First cab off the rank, first of many.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber, Jamie Brown. Ooh, Jamie Brown. Let's start slow this week. We'll start with a very sort of generic-y sort of name. Let's just warm up, warm into it. Jamie Brown. Yeah, not heaps going on there. Well, I mean, you know, we always, we get fascinated by the potential for schoolyard

bullying with a lot of these names. And I think this one's right up there. Wouldn't you agree? Oh, yeah. I can see. Yeah. Speaking of right up there. If you were saying something like, have you ever looked into Jamie Brown's eye?

Something like that? Yeah. A lot of brown eye sort of stuff in the schoolyard, do you think? Yeah. He's really opened up and just let us have it with this money, you know? Right. Okay. Is the money going into our account the brown sound?

What? Isn't there a thing called the brown sound? The brown note or whatever That thing you play where you make people shit themselves Yeah, yeah The brown sound or is it the brown note? The brown note or something Okay, alright The brown album Martin Malloy No, I think. Okay, all right. The Brown album, Martin Malloy.

No, I don't think that's it. Jamie Brown, is Jamie Brown a boy or a girl? I would think boy. Yeah, okay. All right. Well, that was quite a flat reading of Jamie Brown, I guess. It's almost, I mean, sometimes things can be too easy. Do you know what I mean?

Like we didn't really have to stray. It was almost like not worth our time. We sort of, you know, we want to keep ourselves, we don't want to burn ourselves out on this first one. Okay. Well, Jamie Brown, happy to hear what you copped in the schoolyard. I mean, we're brown eye. Brown eye.

I mean, nothing but, yeah, once kids work out that your last name is the same word for the colour of shit, then it's all… Jamie Shit, did you ever get that? Jamie Shit. Jamie Shit. That's a good one. Jamie Grogan.

Jamie Shit. Having Shit as a last name would be quite good. Yeah. I think that's quite fun. I'd like it. Yeah. Tommy Shit. Tommy Shit.

What if anyone's got that. How do you look up? How can I Google what people's last names are? Go on to Reverse Australia and see if you can find out from there. You can't look up people's names. It's not Reverse Australia for names. It's for numbers. Is there yellow pages on the internet?

Yes. Fuck. All right. But you'd need white pages because yellow pages is a business. Yeah. Now, that's a good question. Is there any business just called Shit? Yeah. Fuck. All right. But you'd need white pages because yellow pages is a business. Yeah. Now, that's a good question. Is there any business just called shit? Yeah.

Oh, there would be. There'd have to be. I mean, I don't know why. Why would there have to be? What are you basing that on? There's so many things in the world that would have to be a thing. There's so many things in the world. Oh, beautiful.

White pages. What do you got? Surname. Not for long. Here we go. S-H-I-T. I love this. Suggestions.

Shitto. Shitto. Shithole. Shit. Shit on. Shittoo. Or shittoo. Where are these people?

Why aren't they chipping in? I don't know. Let's prank call them right now. Get their phone number and call them up. All right. Shit. Surname, shit. Is there anyone?

Fuck, there's not All right. Shit. Surname shit. Is there anyone? Fuck, there's not. Okay. Fuck. There's no one with just the name shit? No. Okay. All right.

I can't say that's really that surprising. Yeah, but I love the idea that this is classic like kids in a library in high school or primary school. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just looking up the word shit in the dictionary. Yeah. Except we're doing it on the internet with the white pages. I would do that all the time though with the white pages. Just think of something funny and then go,

I wonder if that's a name. Have I ever said this on the show? Maybe if I have, it would be years ago. This used to be a prank game of ours on the phone is we would get someone. Oh, hell yeah. We would get someone on the phone. I know what's coming.

Do you? We would get someone on the phone and the other person would give out a name and just go 0437, whatever it is. Yep. And then the person on the phone had to figure out who they were calling. The friend of yours who's made the call has to get the person that they've prank called. They don't know who they're ringing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They don't know the name and they have to get the name out of them somehow. Yeah. Yeah. They have to get the name out of whoever they're calling. Yeah. The person with the phone book knows exactly who they're calling.

Yeah. And they've picked someone with a particularly stupid name. Yeah. Yeah. So there was a lot of recordings of us, of someone going. You're recording them as well. Yes. So good. Yeah. So good. A lot of recordings of us, of someone going. You're recording them as well. So good.

So good. A lot of recordings of someone going, hello? Yes, hello. Oh, gee. Who have I? Just to make sure I've got the right. Have I got the right number? Who am I calling here?

You've called crapper plumbing. Ah, crapper plumbing. Have I called crapper plumbing? Crapper Plumbing. Ah, Crapper Plumbing. Am I called Crapper Plumbing? Just anyone getting fooled by that and just being, you know, like someone get it within three seconds going, who's this again?

Yeah. You could never do that in this day of everyone just having numbers saved in their phones. Yeah, totally. It was, fuck, who else did we, there was just a lot of this weird, I mean, imagine copying that from the other end, where, because it's not people going, crap of plumbing. Yeah, well, that's because you're full of crap. Maybe you should plumb yourself. It's just, crap of plumbing.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, really? Yeah. Okay, goodbye. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking great. Yeah. It was, it was very good. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Fucking great. Yeah. It was very good.

Yeah, that's right. I was just trying to remember. One of them was we rang up a business one time. It was like, oh, who is it again? And this lady just goes, like a wombat. What? There's a business called Like a Wombat. And we're like, so it's not a wombat though.

It's just like a wombat. What did they do? I can't remember. Fuck. That's great. It must have been like a wombat though. It's just like a wombat. What did they do? I can't remember. Fuck. That's great. It must have been like giftware or something. Must have been a video games podcast. Yeah.

Yes. Update. There is someone called Shithole. Nice. C. Shithole. And I'll give the full details. They live at 57 Clow Street in Dandenong. Nice.

Do you want their number? I feel like giving out the address. I mean, it is just on the white pages. Yeah. Okay. No, let's leave it. Let's leave it. People can turn up.

People can turn up and do the reality tour. C, I don't know what their first name is. C, shithole. S-H-I-T-O-L-E. Shithole. What? Fuck yeah. Yeah.

57 Clare Street. Definitely is. Definitely contains a shithole. Anyway. Well, thanks, Jamie. Yep. Thanks, Jamie Brown. Street definitely is, definitely contains a shithole. Anyway. Well, thanks, Jamie. Yep, thanks, Jamie Brown. We got there in the end. Yep.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber Mark Taylor. Mark Taylor? Mark Taylor. Not, as far as I know, not the former Australian test captain. Oh, well, why read it out then? Because a lot of these people aren't former Australian test captains, and if we only read out them, there wouldn't be that many. Great.

This would be a lot easier to do then. Our lives would objectively be much better. We would have a lot less money. Yeah. Because, I mean, I've had a good look, and there's no Steve Waugh supporting us. Okay. There's no Alan Borda. Yeah.

No Captain Grumpy. Okay. Yeah. There's no Alan Borda. Yeah. No Captain Grumpy. Okay. Yeah. There's no one of that. No Chapelle. There's no one giving us a dime that's ever led an Australian cricket test team. Oh, I didn't tell you this. I had a dream the other night that Tom Cruise emailed us and wanted to do the podcast.

Really? We got an email. Hang on, hang on. Did you say this was a dream? Yeah. Right. But that's actually part of the story. We get an email and the email is just like, hey, boys, Tom Cruise here.

I've never contacted you before but I'm a huge fan of the podcast. I'm coming to Australia to do press for the new Mission Impossible movie and I really want to be on it. You know, it'll be, you know, we'll have to sort of record it with, you know, my security and everything around, but I'm prepared to, and for some reason, even though we have no proof whatsoever that this email had come from Tom Cruise, we just knew, we just, we just both knew immediately that it was the real Tom Cruise and we got really excited.

But then I woke up and because it was, there was nothing apart from the fact that Tom Cruise is emailing us, there was nothing that kind of wild about the dream. So I spent the first half of my day thinking that that was a thing that we were really doing. Like it was just kind of at the back of my mind. And then at lunchtime I was like, God, it's going to be good when we have Tom Cruise on the podcast. You're fully conscious and you're still thinking?

Yeah, like I woke up and it was just in the back of my mind for most of the day. And then it took me until half of the day to go, wait, that was a dream. That's not happening at all. Fuck, that's generally pretty – but really, did you really have it when you were conscious? What do you mean? Well, because usually when you have those dreams, you wake up and for that first five minutes when you still get your eyes closed in bed, you're like, that's a thing that's going to happen. That's really cool.

But once you wake up, once you get out of bed, it's not usually in your head. Yeah, I don't know what it was. It was like I woke up and I was aware of it and then I just kind of immediately kind of put it at the back of my head. Like I think I had to get up and do something straight away. So it's just kind of not – I didn't really sit with it for too long. Right. And it took me – yeah, it took me halfway through the day to realize that's not a genuine

memory. That's something you dreamt up. Right. And because nothing – there wasn't anything too crazy in the dream. So it wasn't – apart from Tom Cruise reaching out to us, we were just kind of going – we were just like meeting up going like, oh, so what are we going to talk to him about? You know what I mean?

It wasn't like – So you've definitely confirmed that this isn't going to happen. Well, who knows? Tom, if you're listening, hit us up, dude. Right. Nicole Kidman, if you're listening, I know you, dude. Right. Nicole Kidman, if you're listening. I know you still talk, I think, for the kids or whatever, maybe. They'd have to be talking through the kids, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll go easy on the Scientology stuff. We can promise that. Katie Holmes, if you're listening, or Jamie Foxx, if you're listening, pass it on to Katie Holmes who then I'm sure there's some sort of custody sort of thing. Are Jamie Foxx and Katie Holmes together? Yeah.

Really? Yes. I didn't know that. Yeah. That's interesting sort of custody sort of thing. Jamie Foxx and Katie Holmes together? Yeah. Really? Yes. I didn't know that. Yeah. That's interesting. Yeah, there you go. Do you have any objections to that? I object quite deeply to it.

Really? You look horrified. Yeah. You're thinking that's… I'm vomiting. It shouldn't be. It's going against God's will. Yes.

The face you're showing me. Yeah, yeah. I'm writing that on your window in marker. Also, Mark Taylor, apart from having the same name or possibly being a former Australian test cricketer, weirdly enough, in a cricket-based coincidence, what he's contributing every week is Donald Bradman's batting average. Interesting.

Yeah. You know what his batting average is. I hope's batting average. Interesting. Yeah. You know what his batting average is, don't you? I hope it's very high. I hope it's in the millions, my man. Do you know what his batting average was? No. Well, it's not quite as funny when you don't know what it is because everyone knows it's 99.97 or 99.

Oh, okay. Yeah. But the joke is what he's contributing is $5.69. Ah, right. That's cool. That's very cool. Yeah. I've wasted that a little bit, but anyway.

Got to pick your audience. Yeah. Yeah. Boy, I hope Tom Cruise does better than this. I should have used it for my cricket podcast. Yeah. Fuck you. Stick a googly up your ass. Better than this. I should have used it for my cricket podcast. Yeah. Fuck you.

Stick a Google up your ass. That's my cricket podcast. Thanks, Mark. Thanks, Mark. Wow. Here's two in a row of famous names. Wow. Okay.

Famous names. Okay. And again, this could be the famous person. Right. Maybe not. Oh, I hope it's OJ. Well, I don't know. I mean, there's a lot of OJ Simpsons around.

I mean, who knows if this is the right one? No, it's not OJ. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Matt Goss. Matt Goss? Yes. Is that a famous name? Any questions? Why is that a famous name?

You've never heard of Matt Goss? I've heard of Goss. I've heard of having some Goss. Right. Yeah, well, that's the celebrity I'm talking about. That's the celebrity of gossip. Celebrity gossip. No. Matt Goss was one half of the 80s band, 80s duo, trio.

You don't even know. Yeah, no, I know. I know. Bross. You ever heard of Bross? Nah. The band Bross. No.

Never heard of Bross? No. The song When Will I Be Famous? Oh, I've heard of that song. That's Bross. And I got an answer for you, fellas. Never. No, but they were famous for a little bit.

That was the joke at the time, mate. But they did a big hit. Yeah. No, I they were famous for a little bit. That was the joke at the time, mate. But they did a big hit. Yeah. No, I know that song. They tried to come out here to Australia this year. Really? Yeah, they announced it and everyone was like, how the fuck is this going to work?

And then it was very quickly cancelled. Really? Well, you know, they could probably, now that we've talked about them, they could probably, you know, they could probably relaunch that tour. We got Dil Rooka Logie. We can get Bross into Australia. Well, maybe this is part of their ad campaign to come back. Right.

One of them just chips in on Patreon. Well, it's worked, you know. And, you know, look, I've explained to the listeners out there who they are now because you represented a lot of listeners. Yeah. I represent the youth. Yes, exactly. So, When Will I Be Famous, that was their big hit.

Bros. So, yeah, look, okay, well, I guess the next time, maybe the other brother will subscribe next week and then provide the tour dates. Yeah. Please tell me that Bros reached number 69 on the charts and that they're honouring that with the amount of money that they're contributing to the Patreon.

Let's say that that's true. Great. Fantastic. Yeah, great. Everything's ended up very, very good there. Thanks, Matt. Thanks, Matt. Solo to everyone at home.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber. Wow, this guy's got the same name as someone else. Here we go. Thank you to Patreon subscriber David George, who's got the same name as another person called David George that's not famous. Right. What, just someone you know? No, just another person called David George.

Oh, okay. That I don't know. Right. Yeah. I mean, I know a man called David. Yeah. And I also know a man called George. What's David's last name?

Thornton? Duchovny. Well, not him. It's not him. It's not him. No, it's not him. Are you sure? He's got a different last name.

Okay. Yep. This guy's last name is George. Two first names. Two, you know, very unremarkable first names. Two last names as well. Oh, yeah. I guess so. There's Larry David.

Yep. And the example I have for having George as a last name is David George. Because I've never heard of that as a last name before. Apart from the other guy called David George. It is really weird. This is a really weird name. It is too. It's like he's left his proper surname off.

Yeah. Yeah. Because he's first two names. Or it's like two men have come together to split the cost of a Patreon subscription and they just share

the content with each other. Yeah. I don't know if I should be, I don't know why this has just jumped in my mind, but I think you'd appreciate it.

Okay. On the way home tonight, I took a shit in a playground. What do you think? In a shit in a playground. What do you think? In a public toilet? No. What?

I was going to shit my pants. Why are you wasting this in the Patreon? Can you hold on? We've got to do like so many ebbs in the next couple of weeks. Why is this being made to fucking? I don't know. Now, hold on to this. No, there's nothing more to tell.

I was so busted on the way home. It was great. You couldn't find a public toilet anywhere. No. I was talking to you on the way home on Facebook. I'm walking along. Don't try and blame this on me. I'm not blaming it on you.

I'm just saying. I was walking along and I'm going, oh, no, there's no toilets around here. And I'm walking and I'm just going, it's going it's gonna be fine i'm gonna hold on and i got really close to here it was actually really close to here i was just like i'm going to shit my pants you're a 42 year old man yeah but what do i do is shitting my pants more mature you can't organize yourself to go before you leave work no but i didn't need to go then and i walked i walked for an And I walked for an hour.

I walked for an hour home. Fucking hell. I thought you'd understand. That's why I brought this up. I thought you were going to pat me on the back or something. See, I get regularly I'm in public feeling like I'm going to shit my pants. I've done it I think twice in my life. Yeah.

How old were you? I did it once in London. What's the thought that goes through your head as you commit to it, as you commit to the process? Oh, this is a bit of all right, isn't it? So, okay, so two separate – I'm trying to remember which one was – one was just like me shitting my pants in a park near my house and it was like me being crook, walking home and feeling like,

okay, I'm not that far, I'm not that far, I'm not that far, I'm not that far. It was like seven years ago or something. Not that far. And then just like the body going, nah. And then, yeah, I think the main thought was just like, well, I never have to be afraid again because now this has happened once. Yeah, yeah.

And life goes on. Yeah. The other one was- You just started doing it all the time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just for kicks.

Yeah. When I was in London, it was me walking back to where I was staying and being crook and thinking like, and this is like pre-Google Maps and everything. So I'm like, and I kind of got a bit lost and I'm just like getting sicker and just like more and more busty. I'm like, oh, my God, fuck, all right. And in my head I'm like walking down a lane where I'm like, I'm pretty sure it's around this corner and then I'll be fine.

And I turn the corner and it's just a dead end and there is absolutely no sign of my accommodation whatsoever. And immediately my body has just gone, we had a deal. I would have held on until you were through the door but you lied to me and I don't know how much longer. I can't make provisions for something if I don't have a clear amount of time. Great. So, yeah, then it just happened.

I think you've either talked about that on the podcast or you've told me about that before but I like it. I probably talked about it and then we were staying in this, you know, like no apartments in London are ventilated whatsoever. And we were there like in a heat wave. So there's no, you know, they're not used to having to fucking let air in. They're meant to keep heat in. So I just go and like fucking just empty myself out in the dunny and just like this stench just living in the apartment for the next week.

Great. Yeah. A lot of people hit us up. Why don't we come to London? Why don't we come to England and do a pod? I'm not allowed back. Yeah, right. That's why.

In a playground though. Yeah. Well, there was bushes and stuff there. Like it was just a good place to do it. Okay. So in a bush near a playground though. Yeah. Well, there was bushes and stuff there. Like it was just a good place to do it. Okay, so in a bush near a playground. You're making it sound like you're just on the slide. No, no, no, no, no. So adjacent to a playground.

It wasn't on a seesaw. Yeah, that's what you make. When you say on a playground, that's what you're making it sound like. No, no. It was in a bush that was surrounding it. Right. Doing it on one side of the seesaw and then walking to the other and catapulting it onto yourself.

Yeah, into it. Over the road into someone's garden. So, again, the perfect crime. No evidence. Yeah. Thanks, David. Thanks, David. I hope all these people really appreciate what is conjured up by their names.

Fuck. So, David George conjured up you shitting yourself, me shitting in a playground. No, no. You shitting in a playground conjured me shitting myself. Yeah, but David George conjured. But what was the link? What the fuck made you think of that?

I don't know, but something within the name made me think of it. So it just, it was. The fact that you're sitting there realizing you still haven't wiped and you're like, oh, that's right. Oh, no, no. I wiped. Don't worry. Oh, I wiped. What a boast's right. Oh, no, no. I wiped. Don't worry. Oh, I wiped.

What a boast. What a brag. No, mate. I'll wipe. I can wipe my own ass. I've done this before, mate. Don't worry about me. All right.

Okay. It's getting late. We got to wrap this. I mean, this is already too disgusting. We got to just do one. Make this the last one because who knows how filthy this is going to get from here. Yeah. Okay.

All right. Well, let's get the old patented software of the unplanned time working one more time. It's never failed us yet. We're winding down, old girl. You're about to go back into the cupboard. That's it. Never failed us yet. Like you said, very reliable.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber. That's interesting. Okay. Right. Like you said Very reliable Thank you to Patreon subscriber Interesting Okay Right Thank you to Patreon subscriber Tommy Daslow Comedy Huh Yeah

That's Right So Yeah You did say you You put all your details Into this thing So

Yeah right Well So apparently we're getting This podcast We're getting from you $5,000 You put all your details into this thing. So, yeah, right. Well… So, apparently, we're getting… This podcast, we're getting from you $5,000 a month. Right. Yeah. That's it.

Right. Okay. So, I get half of that. So, I'm getting from you $2,500 a month. A cool $2,500 for me. Nice. But, I mean, I'm also… I'm getting $2,500 too. That's pretty cool. So, in many ways, I'm I'm also I'm getting $2500 too

That's pretty cool So in many ways I'm still coming out on top Yeah In no ways But yeah Which ways? Which ways are you coming out on top?

Well I'm getting I'm earning $2500 Okay Yeah In the same way If you buy $5000 worth of ingredients And make a cake And sell it for a dollar,

you're coming out on top. Yeah, because you've got a dollar. You've earned a dollar. Yeah, yes. You've got someone else's dollar. Yeah. Right. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, well, that's nice, man. Maybe you should put in even more money because if you put in 10 grand. If you say so. If you put in 10 grand, you'd be making five grand. Oh, fuck. How much do I have to put in? I'm going to put in $138,000. Yeah, that'd be cool.

That'd be cool. What's half of that? Who knows? For me and you. Who's to say? Who's to say? Yeah, nice. All right.

Income for two. Income for two income for two nice very nice nice alright alright well this has been a highly successful

venture this week thanks to everyone who contributed this week famous or not and you know nice of you to finally get your name

read out on the on the show in the Patreon read so this has been a real real winner for you yeah I've never had my name out on the show, in the Patreon read. So this has been a real winner for you. Yeah, I've never had my name said on the show before, so hopefully this helps sell some tickets next year's festival season. Just get your name out there, which is good.

It's all, you know, more than happy to be paid in exposure and also in $2,500. Yeah. Do you want to plug the playground? I'd rather have plugged my ass at the time. Yeah. Yeah, thanks, everyone. Thanks, everyone who subscribes, famous or otherwise.

Thank you to Tommy Daslow. You know, you can use that as a credit now, as heard on the Patreon read. That would have been such a great… As heard on the Patreon read within Talking Dum Dum. Yeah. That would have been such a great. I just heard on the Patreon read within Talking Dum Dum. Yeah. That would have been such a great Curb Your Enthusiasm moment if I also had walked to your house and I'd stepped in your shit like I come in. God damn it.

People these days, this playground near your house, people don't pick up after their goddamn pets. Yeah, but for you to have done that, you would have said that and then I would have gone, well, hang on, did you go anywhere near this playground? Were you hiding in the bushes or something? Why were you hiding in the bushes near a playground? Anyway. What a wonderful, wonderful friendship we share.

And I cannot wait to get Tom Cruise in here and hear his thoughts on some of this stuff. Yeah. Anyway, thank you to – thanks, everyone. Yeah. Yeah. Wonderful to have the support of such a great group of listeners.

Hey, if you're listening to this show and you're on Facebook, we have a little closed Facebook group that you can request entry into. We haven't plugged that for a little while. Yeah. But because the algorithm sucks so bad and it's made fan pages basically kind of pointless for interacting with the fans in any meaningful way, we have a little group where we post stuff. A lot of listeners post stuff.

It's a fun old time. Lots of good shit happening in there all the time. So, yeah, it's a closed thing. It's called? It's called People Aware of the Little Dunlop Club. It's a pretty rigorous entrance process. There's just a couple of questions that you have to answer to weed out the potential credit card scammers.

But, yes. Is that how they got me? Yeah, that's how they got you. Yeah. Well, anyway, we've got that. We've got the – you can always like the page, Little Dunlop Club, on Facebook. We've got Twitter.

We've got Instagram, all that sort of stuff. And, you know what? A lot of people send us messages via email or via the social. So that's always welcome. People say they listen, they like this, they like that, or they've got genuine questions. Always happy to answer all that sort of stuff. So yeah, hit us up.

Or of course, as we have mentioned, I think, on this episode, if you want to send us free stuff, fucking do it. Do we mention that on this episode? Do we? I don't know. I feel like it's kind of an undercurrent of everything that we say, is please give us free things. Yeah, yeah. We're more than happy, especially off the back of the Patreon.

Obviously, we're up for free money, but you know what? If you work somewhere cool and you want to send us some free stuff that's somehow associated with your business, happy to do that too. Love it. If your name's C. Shithole and you live in 57 Clough Street, Dandenong, you've got your name read out for free. I think the only right thing for you to do is to subscribe to the Patreon now. Yes.

You owe us money for that read. Yes. For publicizing your last name on it. And giving your address so that people can do an impression of my old school phone call pranking but do an IRL and just knock on the door and go, excuse me, who lives here again? Oh, fuck yeah. Well, my name is C Shithole. Yeah!

They said it. I like that they're referring to themselves just by their first initial as well. All right. Thanks, guys. We'll be back next week with a great episode with a first time guest. Very exciting stuff. Until then, we'll see you next time. See you mates.