The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 410 - Meshel Laurie & Harley Breen

Episode Date: August 14, 2018

HARLEY BREEN and MESHEL LAURIE are back on the podcast! Harley's just been to the doctor about his kid's head and we grill Meshel about her recent merchandise purchases. We also try and help Karl decide where to go on holiday and talk shit about a Friend Of The Show who's not in the room! Don't forget, we have a bunch of huge live shows coming up:BRISBANE: We're heading back to do our 2018 stand-up shows back-to-back PLUS a huge live podcast! OCTOBER 21.MELBOURNE: We're doing a huge live episode PLUS a roast! OCTOBER 27.PERTH: We're heading back for our annual huge day of stand-up and podcasting! NOVEMBER 18. For tickets, merchandise, links to our Patreon and heaps of other stuff, head to our website: littledumdumclub.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with special guests Michelle Laurie and Harley Breen. But first of all, we've got to let you know about some huge live shows that we have coming up all over the country, Sunday, October the 21st at 1pm at the Triffid. We are there doing both of our solo shows back to back plus a huge live podcast with special guests. That is going to be awesome.

And then the week after, what are we doing? Are we going to Melbourne? With our Adelaide live podcast? That's great news. Yeah, thank you. It is the Little Dum Dum Club live in Adelaide in Melbourne. It's at Melbourne's Comics Lounge, Saturday, October the 27th, 8pm.

Huge live podcast with heaps of special guests plus a big live unrecorded roast after the podcast, all in the one ticket price. That is our big, big, big yearly Melbourne show. Super looking forward to packing that out. So get in, get your tickets now. Then a couple of weeks after that we are in Perth, Sunday, November the 18th at the Comedy Lounge from about, what is it, four in the afternoon?

Yes. Same deal. Both of our stand-up shows back-to-back plus a huge live podcast. We always bring some great guests over to Perth with us. The Perth audience always come out in full force and, yes, we are looking forward to that. Our yearly trip over to WA, littleDumbDumbClub.com for tickets to all of those shows.

Really looking forward to those. Hope to see you out there in this great, wonderful country of ours. We will be back after this to do the Patreon read edition of Talking Dumb Dumb Club. But enjoy this great new episode with Harley Breen and Michelle Laurie. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Daslow, and sitting across from me, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler.

G'day, Dickhead. How's your little bangers and mash across from me, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day Dickhead. How's your little bangers and mash that you had for lunch? I had my pre-game meal. 11.30am lunch, I love it. Yeah, two big fat old sausages, fried up. Gourmet sausages. And veggies and he's got to get me through this podcast. I feel like I've had problems refuelling. I've been going on with an empty stomach and I feel like this podcast is going

to really be a career highlight for me now that I'm well fuelled. You seem fired up. It seems like the energy is coursing through your veins. Yeah, it feels like I'm about to have a heart attack. Well, we've got two great guests today. Let's welcome the men, Harley Breed and Michelle Loughran. I want everyone to know that that is the quietest I've been during your fucking shitty little intro chat. That's because we spoke really quickly and gave you no gap.

And I was so hungry. I can just smell all that food. It's like, oh, now I'm really hungry. If it helps, those sausages have been there for two weeks and they're probably going to fuck me right up. But what about the food? It was nice. You standing up at your kitchen counter halfway halfway through your bangers and mash,

and with a full mouth turning to Michelle and going, can I get you anything? No, I'm fine. I've already had a great day because I've had a vet appointment this morning and I thought it was going to be an anal gland extraction, but it turned out it wasn't. Oh, great. So I've already had a great day.

Was this something to do with you and you were just too embarrassed to go to the doctor about it? No, no, no, no. No, my big dog. You're just turning to the vet. I trust I can guarantee your discretion on this matter. Excuse me, doctor. My name is Tiddles.

If you could just check up there for me. What happens when the mob has anal fissures? We go to her because she's got small hands. Right. Yeah. Right. Yeah. So I've already had a great day.

I'm trusting it'll get only better. How are your bangers going over there? They're swirling around. I think they're okay at the moment. But I think they'd have to be pretty rotten for them to be acting on me right now already. It sounds like we know a good vet we can take you to. If it all goes pear-shaped halfway through the park. I've seen her do it, so we probably don't even have to go.

Oh, you know what to do? Yeah. All right, great. Easy. I'll save myself a whole 40 bucks and get someone else to do it. Yeah, it's just a slide and pulse motion. What's worse, having to deal with human butthole problems or dog butthole problems?

I prefer dog butthole problems, Harley. I had to deal with a chicken butthole problem and that was rank. Was that an egg stuck? Did you have that one? No, no. She was just a bit of a mess down there and she developed quite severe dags. Ah. Dags is a name. Fuck, I'm glad I had

my sausages before we started the podcast, by the way. Because I've got backyard chickens as well and have had them for years. We've never had that. No, because I had to trim the whole cloaca area. Fuck, I could go to some KFC right now. Give her a good wash in the butthole. Did you? Yeah, I'd much prefer a human butthole over a chicken.

Oh, okay, alright. It's fairly confronting. No, but the human butthole over a chicken. Oh, okay. All right. It's fairly confronting. No. But the human butthole comes with so much whinging. Oh, yeah. It's the whinging I can't stand. The dog butthole doesn't come with that much whinging. Doesn't it? No, not at my house.

No. No. He quite enjoys it. Jack's a gentleman. How is there any whinging coming with chicken buttholes? There wouldn't be. Like, I feel like you're quite a good pet owner. Yeah, no, the chicken was fine. Yeah.

Yeah, you know, it was the chicken was fine. Yeah. It's you. It was me. It sounds like you got a pretty weird way of cleaning it out then. Well, she started to purr. That's what really popped out. Good on her. Now, what I love recently is that, Michelle, you have just come back from holiday.

Yeah. A week or from holiday. Yeah. A week or two ago. Yeah. Now, what I love about following you on social media is that you went to Bali, which is against everything I believe in. Yes. And then you got denied. You couldn't go to Bali.

I tried to go to Bali. You tried to go. Yeah. It's almost like you were going and I was like, how does a God, if there's a God, how does a God let this happen? A nice lady go to the worst fucking place in the world. Why do you hate Bali? And then it didn't happen and it was great.

Yeah. You went to Vietnam instead. Yeah. Because every time you go to Thailand, I go, why do you go to Thailand when there's Bali? I never understand that. You're Bizarro Chando. Really?

Yeah. Well, maybe we should go to Vietnam together. Please. Vietnam's so great. Please. Vietnam's better than both of them, I reckon. Yeah, it's awesome. And the people are so beautiful.

You can see their little faces light up when they think of something kind to do for you. Oh, really? Yeah. Look, sell me. Sell me on it, please. I just saw, I see a person's face light up when they go, I can turn a fan on for that fat lady. And it just makes them so happy. And I didn't even ask for it.

I was just sitting there sweating. And then I go, oh, wow, yeah. And they go, yeah. I knew you'd love that. That's a great Vietnamese accent you're doing. I'm about to go to Japan and they're the same. They're like, they see it coming a mile off. They're like, he's a dumb little fuck who doesn't speak our language.

How can we bend over backwards to help him out? Do they? Yeah, they love it. Because I heard Japanese people were really racist. Probably, but that's why they're good. Oh, I never looked at it that way before. They're focused and regimented. They're getting rid of the whales.

I mean, what aren't they doing right? Well, I just went to Russia and they couldn't give a fuck what was happening to you. Yeah, I was so excited watching that. That's not true. For ages I thought they were photoshopped photos. For ages I thought, as if he's in Russia. Why did you go? How was that?

It was amazing. It was an amazing experience. Yes. I went with the Celtic Socceroos on a promotional junket. Shut up. Forget the Japanese getting rid of the whales. Here's Harley just doing some work for a petrol station to really fuck the world up.

That's amazing though. I was there with the Socceroos, I'll have you know. But you were paid to go there. Yes, I was paid to be there. Oh my God. How much? I'm definitely in a business class section of finance. Nice.

You're in the business class section of this podcast. Yes, you are. As in you've got paid. I looked at going to Russia once and it was so expensive. The accommodation there was the most expensive I've ever seen. Really? Anywhere in the world. Well, it has the highest rate of industry per diems.

You know how we all – there's a rate of what you're meant to be paid when you're away working as a performer. Yes. They have to give you beer. We used to call it beer and smokes money back when we all drank and smoked. Well, Australia is about $60 to $80 a day if you're away from home. Now it's massage and tea money. Yes, it is, it is, sure. Russia was like $260.

Wow. Because that's how much it costs to just eat and stuff during the day. I didn't find it that expensive at all. It was pretty much on par with Australia. Because you were on Caltex money, mate. Yeah. Wow. I found everything very cheap.

Yes. God, that's amazing. Was it – because now I feel like it's really mafioso and weird and crook. Does it feel that way? No, I think there's been some very big stages of that. And now I feel like there's a guy at the top that's had a history of that and he's top dog and making sure everyone else is not behaving in such a way.

Oh, God. He's come home put. Yeah, exactly. You've been brainwashed. Oh, Harley Trump. I met this guy. Wow, this is interesting, isn't it? Another puppet.

Wow. Speaking about the cloacas and the ass problems, well, someone's got his hand up yours. He's all Trump Caltex. Can you get a few million Russian bots to start downloading this podcast? I'm definitely turned. I'm on Team Putin. Wow.

I think you're called the Putinescas. Oh, yeah. Look, I'm sure that there's complex political issues I have no idea about, but I asked the local Russian guy, what do you think of Putin? Oh, yeah, an unbiased take. Well, I feel like if he was in Australia, he would be probably living on the north side of Melbourne, probably vote green.

He was that kind of guy. Who, Putin? No. The guy you are. The guy you are. So I thought I was going to get a – to put it in perspective, this guy, he's in a band. Yeah, Dreadlocks.

He's playing acoustic guitar on the beach of Russia. Kloss. But he did drive a Soviet Union built car from Moscow to Bali. What? So even he could get to Bali. He gets to Chando. This guy gets it. I'm not this guy.

24,000 Ks, 140 dollars. Wow. Played 40 gigs. Only Russian band in history to play in Tibet. A very rad dude. Is this going to end up being a Caltex ad? Caltex drives you further. On only one tank he got there.

It's incredible. So I said, what do you think of Putin? And he said, well, listen, we are a big country, a massive landmass, and we're an empire. We're not a country. We're an empire. And when you have an empire, a massive landmass, and we're an empire. We're not a country. We're an empire. And when you have an empire with a huge landmass, then you need power to keep that in control.

And he goes, and that's what Putin's doing. He didn't say positive or negative. He just said that's. And here's what's great about me. I'm not gay. I'm not a woman. I'm not Chechen. I'm not any of the people he wants to kill. I'm not a journalist. I'm not Chechen, I'm not any of the people he wants to kill.

I'm not a journalist. I'm not in a Malaysian Airlines flight above Putin. I am in the clear and I am keeping my head down, brother. Okay. There was more to say

positive and negative politically, but in terms of just a general overview. Look, I'd like to think that you saw the best of Russia given that you were being brought around by Caltex. If they were bringing you into danger areas, fucking what are you doing, Caltex? Well, that was the only thing I found disturbing the whole trip. I went to four different cities, all quite big cities.

I did not see one poor person at all. I don't want to see poor people when I'm on Caltex money. But I walked around. Good job, Caltex. I was like, where are all the poor people? I saw one lady with a limp and one eye. I wanted to go up to her and just go, run. They're coming for you.

I thought you were going to say, that ruined my fucking holiday. She made me feel ill. I went up to the tour leader and I said, get rid of her. I've seen her. Don't put her on a postcard. That's a problem. But of course, I was there during the World Cup and so everything's very sanitised. And that's not a Russian thing.

I mean, in Sydney Olympics, they shipped all the poor people out. Yeah, that's a thing. They do it everywhere around the world when there's big international events. Yeah, hose them out. Where do they put them? For you. Where do you think they were? In the sewers or something?

In a cupboard, I'd imagine. Yeah. Having a big old party. Having a big old uggo homeless party. But they should hold the Homeless World something. In a cupboard, I'd imagine. Yeah. Having a big old party. Having a big old Argo homeless party. But they should hold the Homeless World Cup at the same time. That's great. Because then they all go to that. Just down the road, yeah.

Yeah. I emceed the Homeless World Cup one year. In Melbourne? Yes. Yeah, I went to... It was a lot of fun. Yeah. All right.

It was great. Yeah, I actually went to watch a game. It was a bit weird at halftime when they all come up and tried to sell me the big issue, but whatever. It's easy to house them. I'm just wondering what really good event was on in another town when you were doing that. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Where were all the rich people? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Somewhere else. This is disturbing. I can't see rich people anywhere. That may have been when the Commonwealth Games were held in Toorak, actually.

Yeah. Yeah. Wow. So that's cool. But Vietnam. Oh, yeah, Vietnam. Awesome. I'll put this out to you.

So this is what's happening. Tommy Daslow, he's going to Japan tomorrow. Friday. Right. Well, look, we're listing home in this podcast. It doesn't matter when it is. At some stage, you'll be in Japan on your mum's money. Yeah.

Thank you. Nice. Very respectful. It doesn't matter what it is. At some stage, you'll be in Japan on your mum's money. Yeah, thank you. Nice. Very respectful. Yeah. Nice. Arigato. Good to get roasted by a fucking oil tycoon over here. Leave him alone, JR Ewing. All right.

So this is the situation, our travel situation. Get a load of Beverly Hillbillies over here. You should see the car I drove here. It's a 40-year-old Land Cruiser. No one's stealing that. So, we know what's fucking running it though, don't we, mate? So, Tommy Dassler going to Japan. This is my situation.

Very timely for what you can tell me. My wife works for an airline. That means that she – No, I don't want to do that. Malaysian Air. Yeah. She was the one that booked the one. Go to Russia, mate.

I've got a friend who doesn't like them very much. Yeah. So she is able to get me heavily, heavily discounted tickets to wherever. So now she, this weekend, told me a couple of weeks ago, oh, I'm going away with friends for the weekend, going away to wherever in New South Wales somewhere. And I was like, oh, fuck. Sydney.

Fuck. I didn't know. It's not Sydney. I'm not going to tell where it is. So it's an undisclosed location. So anyway, she's going away for four days, which I was like, well, that means I can go away. Surely. That means because I'm getting cheap flights and she's like, I don't want you to go away. I'm like, that's going away for four days, which I was like, well, that means I can go away. Surely.

That means, because I'm getting cheap flights and she's like, I don't want you to go away. I'm like, that's very selfish. You're going away. I should get to go away. I mean, sure, I've been away three or four times this year already. Yeah. For no good reason. But let me go away a fifth time.

Yeah. So. When you've got virtually free airfares. Exactly. Which is weird that he only goes to Thailand. So many reasons why that's weird. No. My question is, well, more of the setup is,

I then have been very, very busy. I haven't figured out where I'm going. Oh, God. It is now. Oh, to have your troubles. Yeah, I know. I've been so busy. I just can't figure out where to take my free airfare to

for these four days while my wife's somewhere else. I'm not trying to get any sort of love off it. I've just had so many handjobs this year. I cannot possibly go to Thailand again. No, that's not true. No. Giving you a handjob would be so frustrating. I'm just joking.

Yes. What? I reckon giving you a handjob would be frustrating. Why? You're doing it wrong. he's giving you a handjob, it would be frustrating. Why? You're doing it wrong. Yeah, give him Carla. What is it? Come on.

The lighting in here is all wrong. Fix this up. Oh, okay. You're riding the mic. Yeah. Tapping his watch because it's taking too long. Wrap it up. That's all fair points.

And I would stand by that treatment of whoever's doing that. So, tomorrow, it basically treatment of whoever's doing that. So, tomorrow, that means, it basically means that she's going tomorrow. I, it's now midday. It's midday. I've had my sausages. It's now midday. I, the possibilities of flights that she's sort of

penciled in, because I couldn't make my mind up, is Tokyo. She's such a lucky lady. I mean, that's just an aside. That's an aside. What a fortunate woman. Yep, yep. Tokyo in 11 hours from now.

Great. Or Phuket in 24 hours. Because you never actually can have too many handjobs. Go ahead. Yes. Busy planning her own trip. But sure, let's take some time out of the day To plan multiple flight paths for this bum So that he can make up his mind

Alright Look your mum did it in plenty of time I get it mate Oh got me So Or Ho Chi Minh City I don't know why we're still talking

It's going to be Phuket Yeah I agree I'm open Look I know what Phuket is I've been there briefly But Japan Tokyo I've been to 15 years ago, but I haven't been to Ho Chi Minh. Because I've been to all three of those places and you were asking my advice of which you

should go to and I was humouring you, but in the back of my head I'm like, you're going to go to Phuket. What a waste of my time. Because I feel like if you go to Ho Chi Minh City, then you've got to go another hour. That's what I'm thinking. Up to Hoi An. Exactly. Have you got that in you?

Hoi An is the best. Yeah. Hoi An is so good. That was the initial. I looked at that and I did all the timings of it and everything. And I took the advice of Greg Fleet and I realised it was too… Is that why you're so sleepy today? Well, here is the other option.

Where's my phone? Because he is currently in Asia at the moment, Greg Fleet. He's in Vietnam, I believe. Yes, and he's doing all that sort of stuff. And I said to him, where will you be? And I didn't tell him when I was going to go or anything. I said, where will you be tomorrow night? And he said, oh, Bangkok for the next couple of nights.

Oh, if you come, yeah, we can hang out and go to a gig and whatever. And I'm like, wow, so this is how it could all end. Yes. Yeah. That's definitely how it could all end. Yes. Yeah. That's definitely how it's going to get. What a way to go out. Where in Japan are you going? I'm going to Tokyo and then Osaka.

But so if you go to Tokyo, you'll be there when I get there. I'll be there before you get there. That's what I mean. When I get there, you'll be there. So anyway, Tokyo is off the list. Go somewhere else. I don't want you ruining Japan for me. But he can help carry your mum's bag.

Wait, my mum paid for the trip. I'm not taking her ruining Japan for me. But he can help carry your mum's bag. Wait, my mum paid for the trip. I'm not taking her luggage over with me. Well, she pays for the luggage, so she pays for his life. She doesn't get to go if she pays for the trip? No. Really? Oh, I wasn't aware of that. I did go with them like two years ago.

Oh, nice. That was fun. That was nice of you. Right. Yeah, so look, that's the situation. Okay. That's nice of you Right So yeah So look That's the situation Okay Look I would say

That Tokyo in Eleven and a half hours Is starting to look A little bit unlikely When I haven't done Anything about it Well what do you have to do About it

Yeah exactly Well book a flight Oh surely Book accommodation You don't even have to do that Sorry You don't even have to do that Yeah

I've got to bring her And tell her to do it Oh wow Oh my god Well that's going to take At least ten and a half hours So that's That wiped out No you're going to make it on time Well I've taken a couple of weeks tell her to do it. Oh, wow. Well, that's going to take at least ten and a half hours, so that's wiped out. How are you going to make it on time?

Well, I've taken a couple of weeks and I still haven't made that call yet, so obviously it takes a while. See, you should have had toast instead of bangers and mash. You could have booked your accommodation in the time it took you to cook your lunch. I'm off bread. I can't do that. But still, you could have booked your accommodation in the time it took you to cook your lunch. I'd definitely be going to Tokyo.

Yeah. 100%. Yeah. 100%. Yeah. But I feel like you're doing at the moment what I see you frequently do in restaurants. You ask the waiter for their recommendations and they spend all this time going through what they think is the best and you go, hmm. And then you ignore all of them and you go, pad thai, thanks. You're just going to end up going to Phuket.

I don't eat a lot of pad thai, so that's wrong. It would be more like a Penang curry. Although, I mean, if you go to Phuket. Italian restaurant. There's a lot of factual inadequacies so that's wrong it would be more like a penang curry although I mean if you go to Phuket in an Italian restaurant there's a lot of factual inadequacies being pulled up on this episode if you go to Phuket

do you know exactly what you'll do when you get there will you just go to your favourite place will you do your favourite thing no no no not at all

the small plan was that I've only been there very briefly once and I would not be going to that Patong beach because I wasn't really into it when I went there I didn't love it.

But because I've only got four days to go away in, I figured that's a direct flight to Phuket. I can go to a different Karan Beach. I could go somewhere different. It would be a bit of fun. It would be a quick trip. Yes. That's my –

Proximity helps. Yes. Can I ask a question? Yes. Is that creature that just jumped up onto your barbecue perhaps the reason that she that will not be named doesn't want you to go away because no one's here to look after that cat? Part of the reason.

Part of that reason. Yeah. Four little crunchies out there on the barbecue. That cat is so beautiful. Exactly. My sister-in-law. Ah. Yeah.

Yeah. But the cat is currently on the barbecue. Or you just let your partner have a holiday. The cat is currently on the barbecue. Or you just let your partner have a holiday. The cat is currently on the barbecue. Anyway, back to Vietnam. Why don't you stay home with the crunch man? Look at him. I might.

Given I'm in this situation. He just went, shut up, don't, no, don't. I don't want him to stay. The cat's on the barbecue. That's my lunch. You've had your bangers and mash. I'm very jealous. I don't feel like that.

And a fry up crunchy. Poor little crunchy. Hey, I've got a great idea. What? Yes? Barley. No. Okay, don't be an idiot.

You'd like it. Why don't you go to Bali? It's so great. See, I was more, from looking at you online, it looked like you were a real convert to Vietnam. I thought I was going to get more pro-Vietnam than pro-Balestad. And I mean, what a time to go. It's just had a 7 point something earthquake three days ago.

There'll be heaps of accommodation options. Oh, so much to come. And I mean, just a wonderful time to get to know the people. Yeah, a bottle of water will probably be about 70 bucks. So that'll be good. Yeah, you could just go and be a really helpful guy. Oh, some humanitarian work. That'll be good. That, you could just go and be a really helpful guy. Oh, some humanitarian work. That'd be good.

That doesn't sit with the car liner. No? No. I don't like the sound of that shit. No, you don't like it? Yeah. I might stay home and look after Crunchy. Yeah.

You don't want aftershocks? You don't want an aftershock kind of move? No. I haven't been in that situation before. I haven't been in a situation where I have to help anyone. We've got to look. We've got to lock this We've got to get... We've got to

lock this down by the end of this pod. You've got to open that laptop and message your wife. By the end of this episode, you have to make a call. Don't you think? Don't you guys think? Yeah, I mean, yeah. To get us there, do you know what? For the first time in a long time in Dumb Dumb history, I've brought some content with me.

I think that's the first time in a long time in any guest that comes on the show. I've actually arrived with some content and it did actually happen this morning. Because expressing the anal glands was really all I had. It was good stuff. I used it real early. This is on the same sort of subject. It was, as you'd know quite

well, baby measurement time this morning. You know how when you have a baby, you boys won't know this. Not yet. When you have a baby, they are obsessed about the size of everything that's happening at every different process. Who's they? The babies are obsessed. The government.

Yes, you have a book and it's got graphs. I thought this was a story about you bringing the baby in the shower with you or something. We do that. That's fun. So we were at the one and a half year marker, the 18 month measurements. So we had his body, his length, height. I say length because they do it lying down. Yes.

They don't stay still. And his weight and then his head size. And for the most part of the first year of his life, everything sat up in the 95th to 99th percentile. Big baby. Which means massive. He's a big guy. Yeah.

The last measurement we had, his weight and height dropped down into the 75th percentile and his head stayed up in the 99th. At this measurement, I was very excited to see the measurement, see whether it changed, see whether his head's slightly more in perspective. What sort of food can you have to cut down weight on your head? Yeah, exactly. We're going to start doing some research after what happened this morning. Wow, what happened? I did PT this morning, which is I wish I had this information

so I could ask my PT, my personal trainer, what exercises at the gym can lose weight on your head? Yeah. Can your head do a sit-up? His weight is now in the 50, sorry, his height is now in the 50th percentile. Nice. His weight is between 75 and 80

percentile and his head is literally off the computer program's charts. There is not actually because they're on this arc of a graph. The arc goes out of the shot and the dot, she goes, the dot's somewhere up there in the anchor. Oh, no.

So you're sponsored by Caltex and your kid is about to be sponsored by Guinness and its book of records. So anyway, the reason I wanted to tell you the story is because she said to me and my partner Hannah as we were sort of wrapping things up, she goes, what do you do? And I just sort of very quickly went, I'm a comedian, and then handed it back over to Hannah, and Hannah is a designer and she makes jewellery, but let's just focus on that.

And she goes, oh, you're a comedian. Would have I heard of you? Well, obviously not. Because I've been sitting in here for 15 minutes. Doing a tight 20. Yeah. So she goes, oh, my son might have. He just constantly listens to stand-ups.

And I said, well, just a warning to you as his mother, because he's a teenager, I am filthy. So, you know, maybe don't point him in my direction. If he knows me already, that's fine. And she goes, oh, okay. Do you know the Little Dum Dum Club? I did not. Yes.

Yes. Because he loves them and I listen to them. Oh, wow. Oh, well, fucking strap in. He can listen to me. That's so great. That's great. Yeah.

And did you say that you were about to drop her name? Yeah. I said I'm literally going to Carl's house after this. She's going to go home and say I saw the baby with the biggest fucking head. And by the way, wow. But now what are we doing about the head? I don't know what to do. To the naked eye, are you seeing the head?

Oh, yeah. No, you see it. Because I remember waking up one morning because babies, when they're real little, you can see them change every day when you wake up, can't you? And one day I woke up and their heads were huge. Like their foreheads were huge. And then it sort of went down again.

He doesn't look freakish. No, okay. It turns out it is freakish. By the way, did you find out that she was a podcast fan when your kid said to the doctor, hey, mate, and she said, get a big head? So I don't know what to do because I've got a very big head, but I'm 6'4".

Yeah, I don't look – your head does not look proportionally. I've got a 62. What about when you're a baby, though? Do you know what your measurements were when you were that age? No, I don't. I should call my mother up and find out. But my older brother, he has the same sized head as me. We've both got a 62 in the hat sizes.

And he, however, is not 6'4". He's 5'10". Oh, that's a little crunchy scratching to get in the door now. He's like, I've got to see this head. So if you get tall, it doesn't matter. Okay. But if you don't get tall, it could be a weird bobblehead sort of situation. So yeah, he might grow six feet in the next

like year and then he'll be fine. That's how babies work. Look, he's a beautiful boy. He is a beautiful boy. I'd love to see a six foot baby. That'd be good. Yeah, that would be cool. I've had a few. I've had a lot of six foot babies. Get your baby on embarrassing bodies.

Let's get a little like circus kind of carnival side show thing going on. Charge people five bucks for a look. How do they convince children to go on that show, by the way? Embarrassing Bodies. Do they have children on that show? I can't watch that show. They have Embarrassing Bodies children episodes. No, you can't do that.

But you know that's like the parents signing them over as their guardian and then like pocketing the cash themselves. So look at their fucking 10-year-old son's like wart-covered anus. Oh, no. He's got a testicle on his leg. I've got a few kids who had their ears pinned when I was at primary school. That was a thing. What do you mean?

They had their ears pinned back. They got wing nuts. So like big ears. Yeah, they thought they had big ears. Their parents actually took them to get their ears back back. They got wing nuts. So like big ears. They thought they had big ears and their parents actually took them to get them pinned back in. And then they look like they're going very fast. Yeah. Then it looks weird. But fancy putting...

I used to think that about that lady who invented NADs. Remember NADs? The hair removal stuff? And her first sort of sales pitch was bringing her daughter on on the Burt Newton show to say, my daughter had a hair problem and used to be teased about it so I invented Nats. Because she used to be

on the show where we worked on together. Which one? The Circle. I was very much just entertaining the middle aged women that had turned up

to watch the show. But she'd just come on there. Talk about a hairy daughter. Fancy doing that to your daughter. And she's probably now rebelled She looks like the wolf man She's like fuck you mum

I'm as hairy as I fucking want to be Are you a little bit worried that your doctor listens to our podcast? No I would be slightly No I like it I've got a doctor, a gastroenterologist Who has a bad review on You can review your doctors somewhere

And she said she's got a She found out she's got a review where who has a bad review on you can review your doctors somewhere. And she found out she's got a review where someone said, look, she's a good doctor but she swears a lot. She dropped the F-bomb five times an hour. Nice. Yeah, that's what I said. I said, I reckon that will attract more people than it will put off. My diagnosis, you're fucked. You're fucked, right?

And she's a New Zealander and she swears like crazy. And I love that. It makes me feel comfortable. Yeah. I got 20 minutes of my current solo show that I did at this year's festival about my doctor and he came with his wife to the show. Wow. Yeah.

My finger got infected the other week and I went to the doctor about it, like swelled up like three times its size. How? About a quarter of the size of Harley's kid's head. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I go and I'm like, oh, this is like it happened on a Friday night and then it just kind of got worse and worse over the weekend and it felt like it kind of hurt because the skin you could feel was like,

yeah, really under a lot of pressure. And his advice was just like he gave me a needle. He's like, yeah, you just have to like cut it open and, you know, drain it yourself. Here's a needle. Just go home and sort yourself out. And I'm like, so you're encouraging me to go home and essentially self-harm, just cut myself. Put on some Evanescence and just, you know sort yourself out. And I'm like, so you're encouraging me to go home and essentially self-harm, just cut myself.

Put on some Evanescence and just, you know, go wild. Why didn't he put on some Evanescence and do it himself? Yeah, great question. Because I go in, he's like, oh, you do comedy. I'm going to the Edinburgh Fringe. Who can you recommend? And I'm like, oh, you know, my friend Dilrook's over there. He's like, no, no Australians.

I don't want to see them. I'm like, well, how the fuck should I know? What's wrong with all you people going to doctors saying that you do comedy? You're supposed to hide it from everyone. Yeah, I know. Yeah. But then so I was at home like doing it and then this is like right after I'd moved into my current place.

And as I'm doing it, the guy who was like coming around to hook up the internet calls me. He's like, oh, I'm outside right now. I can come in and do it. And I'm like, okay, sure, I'll come out and let you in so he comes in and sees this scene on my kitchen table which is like a bunch of swabs and needles just sitting around like yeah just a big Tuesday for me

just you know quick get the foxtail on because I really need to relax yeah my GP is the first good doctor I've had in my adult life but I have found in the past a lot of that kind of behaviour from GPs just going, I'll do a Google of what the fuck it is happening to you and then go and sort it out. No, that's why I'm here with you, mate.

Yeah. You fucking figure it out. Oh, yeah. I've had that. The brazenly just having the computer open in front of you. Yeah. I don't mind that because as a kid I used to think how can they possibly know everything? Surely they're just making most of it up.

Yeah. So I prefer Dr. Google to just making it up surely. Sure. I have a friend from high school who listens to this and he lives in Perth. He's a doctor and he loves it because it's just anything I can't be fucked going to the doctor for. He just gets a text message from me with a photo like, what's happening here? And he's like, go to a GP. I'm like, yeah, but I don't want to.

That's why I'm texting you. That's now these decades of friendship are paying off in my favour. Help me out. And he's like, well, you know, it's this. Like, cool, thanks. In fairness, you give him a free podcast every week. Good point. That's your profession. He should start doing more for me

if anything. Fuck him. Yeah, Pat, fuck you. Fuck you, Pat. Dr. Pat. Dr. Pat. Dr. Pat. Yeah. Dr. Pat, what's wrong with Harley's kid's head? Yes, yes. Okay, Pat.

How do you get a smaller head? I'd rather that than be the friend with the ute. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? I'd rather be getting texts of swollen fingers and be able to write back and go just... Being asked to move house every weekend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, this friend of the show, Nicholas Cody.

Yes. Nick Cody is about to have a child in the next, what, month? Two months? He's due in September. Due on Grand Final Day, I think he said. Oh, really? That is very funny. So he's doing that.

He's just got his license because he needs to be a big boy now and take responsibility. Because he's a fully grown human man. Yeah, he needs to drive his wife to the hospital, whatever it is. He's got a big head. Yeah. He's got got his license because he needs to be a big boy now and take responsibility. Because he's a fully grown human man. Yeah. He needs to drive his wife to the hospital or whatever it is. He's got a big head. Yeah. He's got a massive head.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right. So he is, I said to him, so what are you doing? What are you driving around? You don't have a car. He's like, oh, I've got a loaner car just until I get my new, my brand new Holden ute. Oh, no. What's a fuckhead?

What is wrong with you? Oh, no. Drive your wife to the hospital. She's in the trailer. No, drive the wife to hospital in the front and then the baby in the back on the way home. Yeah. As long as you chain it up, it's legal.

How are you about to have a baby and you buy yourself a ute? Because he doesn't understand. Because men don't understand, and Harley backed me up, the changes that happen when you have a baby, such as... It really comes quickly as well. Yeah, right? Let's not equate Nick Cody with all manhood.

I don't think that's fair. No, but I think it's a very common mistake to make. He has bought a car that a man wants. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because at the moment he's a man. He doesn't understand he's about to become a father, which is different. A piece of shit. There's a gap in knowledge.

Yes. Is what it is. It's different. There's a gap in knowledge. Yes. Is what it is. It's different. There's a gap in knowledge because if we're just working on stereotypes, women have a dialogue throughout their lives even before they become a mother about motherhood, whereas men have no dialogue about fatherhood until, oh, fuck, I bought a ute. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Put the baby in the front because kids can't be in the front of a car for seven years, you stupid fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put the baby in the front. Yeah. Because kids can't be in the front of a car for seven years, you stupid fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And now I've got to sell me you. Yeah. For a lot less than I paid for it four months ago. I lost $15,000 in four months. Oh, who wants to buy my burnt orange Holden Ute?

Yeah. Oh. Oh. But then once people stop paying to come see his comedy because it's all about his kids, no offence Harley. It's only been a benefit to my career. He can then use that, you know, he can use

the ute, he can charge people to help them move couches and stuff. So it's a long term strategy. I suppose there's something in that. Change his name to Brett Blake. Yeah. That seems really harsh even though I don't know who Brett is. I'm feeling for Brett. Brett helped me move a couch the other day.

So, apart from any of that, apart from the fact that he's got a baby coming and he's picked a design-made two-person mode of transport, he might as well have bought a fucking – Scooter. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Exactly. Which, considering how often you go to Thailand is probably what you'll do.

Strap your kid to the front of a Segway. That's fine by me. One of those fucked hoverboard things just dragging a pram. No, man, I want a tuk-tuk. That'd be my fucking dream. Why don't we have tuk-tuks? Why wouldn't we have them? Exactly. I want a tuk-tuk. Why don't we have tuk-tuks? Yeah. Why wouldn't we have them? Exactly.

I'm on a tuk-tuk in Bangkok going down a proper highway. I'm like, this is alright. That would be mad. Importing one and going into VicRoads to apply for special consideration

to take one out on the road. Let's love them. Yeah, sure. I've lost my license twice but let's go for a third time. While we're on the subject of cars, by the way, of appropriate cars

for children, you've got two choices when you become a parent. One is a Subaru and the other one is the wrong choice. Really? cars for children you've got two choices when you become a parent one is a Subaru and the other one is the wrong choice it's all you've got anyone who gets any other car

than a Subaru at a certain price point I would say so what country is Subaru flying you to? I was in Vic Rhodes the other day and the guy

is very quiet in there and the guy sitting in front of me his phone rang. It was up as loud as it could go and then he answered it and he answered it by going, yeah, cunt. Yay! Come on.

Like I haven't been in there in ages. It's like it really is the Wild West in here. I love that guy. Tommy Little always answers my calls. For a second, I thought you said the person behind the counter. No, no, no, no, no. Just a customer. I was like, what a nice world.

Vic Rhodes. Just a customer. There is a tram. That wild. I'm going to go to Vic Rhodes. Just a customer. There is a tram. That's how my gastroenterologist names are called, by the way. Five stars.

I love it. So, do you know that, because I've lost my license while I've been living here and I've talked about it very briefly that I've officially lost it again

but then you get to do the double or nothing thing. Yes, yes. I'm on that now. Yes. I'm just entering that right the double or nothing thing. Yes, yes. I'm on that now. Yes. Well, I'm just entering that right now. Okay. I'm about, I reckon I'm seven months in.

Nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, I hope you walked here just to not take any risk. I don't know how I'm doing it. Yeah. I'm not doing it. So when you lose your license and I'm living here, there is a tram right there at the front

of my house that goes directly to the VicRoads office. So when I lose my license, it's actually quite easy. I just get on the tram and go out there and hand my license in. It's better if anything. Yeah, I know. Well, I was tempted to take the loss of license just because I'm like, well, I could go to Kmart. It's on the way.

Yep, yep. Sure. It's actually easy. But so Nick Cody, apart from the fact he's got a baby, just getting a ute when you live in the city. Yes. Such a fucking boner head move. Such a boner head.

Boner head. Yeah, boner head. He's an erect dickhead. Yeah, exactly. An erect dickhead. He's such a dickhead that he's broken through to the next level. Yeah, absolutely. He's thinking with his boner head when he makes the call.

Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. What do you do driving around the city with you? What's he putting in the back? Fucking milkshakes and weights? It's a fantasy car, right? Yeah.

It's a beautiful fantasy car. It's a first car. He's buying a car like a 17. Exactly, exactly. He's back being 17 years old again. You're right. I've always thought his wife is cool, but now I think she's too cool.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What the fuck? How is she letting him get away with his hair brain? She's too permissive. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What the fuck? How is she letting him get away with this harebrained? She's too permissive. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So she's going to be a terrible parent. I mean, if this is how she's parenting him.

Yes. Yes. This is the test and she failed. Yeah, she's failed. I think maybe she's going to be a great mother because she's already saving her energy by just giving up on Nick. Oh, interesting. Oh, right, right, right.

She doesn't want to use up all her nose, so she's kind of keeping them in reserve. You can't yell at everyone. Okay. Well, there's two types of people that should have a ute, and it's tradespeople and fuckheads. Right. And Nick doesn't even know which end of the hammer to hold. Okay.

Okay. This is all this podcast should be from now on, is just talking shit about people who aren't on. Yeah, yeah. Hasn't it been that for years I'm pretty sure that's how I spent the last one as well yeah sometimes it overlaps and it's just a lucky coincidence

that the person happens to be in the room it's pretty rare so here's a question for you Michelle now you're in my apartment at the moment me and my wife's apartment so I've got hidden in the spare... We've got a spare room over there and it's just absolutely a nightmare.

It's just all the merch that we have from the show and all the shit like that in there. Everything is typical spare room, all the shit chucked in there. It's where we keep the merch. Now, I sent out a t-shirt quite recently, reasonably recently, to a M. Laurie in the west of Melbourne. Yep. Got the sale in and went, what the fuck? Why did Michelle Laurie buy a T-shirt of our podcast? Yep.

Put it in the envelope. Just put a note in there saying, what the fuck is going on? Yes, she did. Sent it out. Didn't get any response. I'm like, what? What's going on? I thought maybe you put that in everyone's T-shirt.

Yeah. Maybe that was a thing. Yeah, no, I toned it down for you. Oh, yeah, right, right, that in everyone's T-shirt. Yeah. Maybe that was a thing. Yeah, no, I toned it down for you. Oh, yeah, right, right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That came out of the blue. Yeah. And I never heard an answer.

And I was like, what? Is that tax deductible? Is that like, did we count as some sort of like weird charity that you could write money off to? Was it right before the end of the financial year? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have always found them hilarious. The I am aware

of the Dum Dum Club. It's a good shirt. It's a really good shirt. T-shirts. Hilarious. And I just, I saw it again somewhere. I don't know,

maybe in a social media post and I thought, I'm going to buy one of those. I've always found them hilarious. Oh, great. All right. And I wore it in Vietnam. Did you really?

Oh, what? That's excellent. I did. I did. I should have put it on socials. Please. Yeah, I will. Oh, great. All right. And I wore it in Vietnam. Did you really? I did. Oh, what? That's excellent. I did. I did. I should have put it on socials. Please. Yeah, I will. Yeah, yeah.

I'm sure I've got a photo of it. If you've got a photo of it, please send it to me. I have always found that slogan hilarious. Well, I wear mine all the time. And I've been pushing Carl for ages for a new one. He goes, but you've got one. And I went, yeah, but it's old and ratty now. And I'd wear it at other events. You've got to buy one. I bought that one. Did you buy that one? Yeah, I want to buy another one. He goes, but you've got one. And I went, yeah, but it's old and ratty now and I'd wear it at other events. You've got to buy one.

Yeah, I bought that one. Did you buy that one? Yeah, I want to buy another one. You didn't buy that one, did you? Yeah, I gave it, well, I think you didn't pay me for a gig or something. Oh, there you go. No, no, no. I think it was the other way around. I think you said, don't worry about paying me, I'll take it. Yeah, yeah. But I wear it all the time and people always

say to me, what's the little dum-dum? And I go, well, if you've got to ask, there's no point answering. Well, someone doesn't. Your doctor. But anyway. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Your pediatrician.

Yeah. It's so funny. Do you sell a lot? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We sell a bunch. But that did – honestly, I was sitting there thinking – Isn't that weird? Because I had no correspondence with you.

I was like, are we going to cop it? Is this going to go on a scarecrow or something? Oh, no. I was just like, we're going to cop it somehow. A scarecrow and it repels agents, it repels TV executives, it repels respect. People just warm past it going, fuck you. I do that a lot.

I do that. It's one of those things like I always pay to go and see festival shows. I always. You're one of those good people. I'm one of those. Ever since I got a job, I just pay. I buy books. Right.

I just, yeah. Oh, right. You don't just go into Dimmicks and just stick them down your trousers. No, I don't. Like ask for free books or whatever. Right, right, right. The boys at the screen printing plant, they're into it now. I went and picked up free books or whatever. Right, right, right. The boys at the screen printing plant, they're into it now.

I went and picked up a new box of shirts the other day and they've all started listening. Really? Yeah, when we get our shirts printed. Really? Because we get them redone every month or so. Every couple of months because we've got a few different designs. So I'm in there pretty regularly and the last time I was in there, they were like, oh, we've all started listening.

They just had enough of them Come through They're like What the fuck is this We should give it a go That's what's so great About t-shirts So g'day boys G'day boys at the printers

Oh wow That's great Oh yeah Well shout out to All of the above In Brunswick and Fitzroy Yep For looking after us

Bit of a discount Coming your way I feel Yeah Oh sure If they know what's good for them Hey other If you run a competing Screen company Screen printing company I feel yeah oh sure if they know what's good for them hey other if you run a competing screen company

screen printing company hit us up yeah yeah well maybe we just start shopping it around so we can get all the screen printing businesses in Melbourne

all listening yeah that's not bad get away get away from that sorry Crunchy officially the number one Crunchy's trying to hit the stop button

on the recorder that'll do yeah guys shut the fuck up you peaked with's trying to hit the stop button on the recorder. That'll do. You guys, shut the fuck up. You peaked with the Cody stuff. Wrap the episode up. Oh, man. Well, I'm glad we got to the bottom of that mystery because that was – I honestly thought this was going to turn up in some sort of social media post

going, fuck these guys. Look at them. They didn't even give me one of these for free. I had to pay for it. Wow, that's terrible that you would think that. Burning it in the street to set an example. Yeah, it obviously says more about me than it does about you. It really says a lot about you.

Why would anyone want anything we've ever done? Yeah. You just appear on the project with a big red circle with a line through it. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Well, speaking of podcasts, because you are a host of an extremely successful podcast. A true crime podcast. A true crime podcast. That says more about true crime than it says about me.

Yeah. But yesterday I got to do the coolest thing. I spent yesterday at the coroner's court and forensics. Oh, did you say hello to our careers? Yeah, no. And the forensics institute of Melbourne. It was so cool and I met, I saw where they do

autopsies. Oh. And like that whole area and I smelt the smell. The death. Yeah, you know how always because I said to the doctor, I was with the coolest doctor, Richard is his name. Does he listen? Yeah, he was wearing his dum-dum t-shirts. He's very aware.

It was weird, it was so weird. And so I was like, I've got one of those. Did you get that note saying what the fuck you're doing? He's like, no. And so we walk into this area and there's like, you know, you know that that's the area. You can just, it's all sterile and stuff. And this smell hit me and I was like, what's that smell?

And he goes, that's the smell of death. And I go, I knew it. I said, you know, you see it on TV, people talk about it and I always think to myself, I wonder what that smells like. What does it smell? Just like death? It smells like meat. Of course it does.

She's got an agenda. Of course it does. Like off meat or just's got an agenda. Of course it does. Like off meat or just meat? Just meat. Just like a butcher's. They're not off. No. They go off eventually.

Well, they're not off. You've got to get them in the ground. Yeah, so I don't know about, you know, on TV shows when they talk about like the really rancid-y kind of death-y smell. Now, they should be on embarrassing bodies. Yes. It wasn't that, but it was just this. As soon as this door slid back and we walked into this area,

I was like, ooh, yeah, okay, I'm getting a meaty smell. Of course that's what it would smell like. So when Chandler was eating his sausages before and talking to you, you were like, wow, he's fucking dying up there. This conversation sucks. They weren't fried. They're not cooking up the dead bodies. There's not a chef in there.

There's no one giving out free samples out the front of the coroner's. Olive oil. Would you eat a human body? It would depend. Yeah. On what? What? Oh, the circumstances.

How hungry am I? Okay. Would you eat one? Would you, like, if you were in a foreign country and they were like, this is just what we do here, would you partake? Would that be a condition where you'd go? No, no, no, no. Wow, okay.

I'd have to be like starving, dying. Even there, yeah. There's this theory that I read about. It's called 19 meals between or is it 19 meals to chaos or something like that. But the idea is if you miss out on 19 meals, you'll

just do anything. Really? Yeah, there's an actual theory that they've worked out. I'm going to try it out. Great. That that's when chaos happens. Great. I'm close to that. How many meals should you have in... I had seven days of... When I was still quite a committed Christian, a long time ago now.

Really? Seven days of nothing. Well, yeah. No food whatsoever. That's right. Seven days of prayer and fasting. Right. How much weight do you lose after seven days?

Not a lot. Not a lot at all. Really? Yeah. No, not really Because your body goes into shock And so as soon as you eat It just grabs all of the calories and stores it

So it's not very good for you It's not recommended for a weight loss program Yeah, that would be Would you have eaten a person at the end of that? I don't know if I'd eat a person I'd eat any animal I've always been So I had horse in Russia quite a bit.

There's horse everywhere. Yeah, it's a horse eating place. And this girl, one of our fixers, the Russian fixer that was helping us out as we were getting around, she was shocked that we eat kangaroos. Yeah. And I said, well, we are equally as shocked that you eat horse. Yeah. As a bit of horse was hanging out my mouth.

Yeah, sure. I'm shocked at how delicious this horse is. Could I – look, there's Crunchy. I mean, I'm so – and he's not enjoying this conversation. She, she, she. She, beg your pardon, she's not enjoying that either. She's like, I'm right here, guys. And I get that crunch because would I ever eat a dog?

So I am obsessed with my dog, Jacko. And I always say to Jacko, you know, when the revolution comes, Jack, man, I'm going to hide you in the ceiling because no one is fucking eating you. Nobody. But is your dog particularly juicy? He's a big unit. Right. Nice.

How big? He's a big cattle dog. Fat? He's curvy. Good marbling. Yummy. He's curvaceous. Good marbling.

He's a curvy girl. Right. Marbled cattle dog. Nope. You will curvaceous. Good marbling. He's a curvy girl. Right. Marbled cattle dog. Nope. You will never find him. You'll never find him, Harley. Unless you go looking for old newspapers upstairs. No.

No. Well, now I'm changing where I'm finding it because I've said it. So you'll never find Nolan. Because you ever look in that war, you know, look at all war footage and that. Where are the dogs? Oh, yeah. Oh, where are the dogs? all war footage and that. Where are the dogs? Oh, yeah. Oh, where are the dogs? They're fucking eating them.

And where are the cats? Where are they? They're eating them, right? Yeah. So I'll be hiding the big man. But I don't think I could ever eat a dog no matter how hungry. No, no way. Or would I miss my 19 meals and go crazy and eat a dog?

I don't know. I want to just like skip 18, just get myself right to the brink and then eat one at 19, like autoerotic asphyxiation, you know, just get myself right to the cusp and see how it feels and then just like bring myself out of it. We have just reached a new level. Well, see, the thing about eating dog is I always think of because – I don't know if this has come up on the podcast before,

but I go to Thailand a little bit and one of my favorite things to do over there is get – Get handjobs. No. I knew there was a little space in there and I tried to go faster and I couldn't quite get there. Go fast like a ping pong ball coming out of the other thing you enjoy watching. I haven't seen that ever. So chicken skewers, my favorite dish over there.

And I always eat heaps of them. And then very recently they went you know most of the time that's I think that's I think that's something else there's a difference between

eating an animal that has been farmed and your pet because you have a personal relationship with it this is

what I want to do with my kids I think there's a separation eat your kids and not get to know the first just a leg that head sounds like it's going think there's a separation. Eat your kids and not get to know them first. Just a leg.

That head sounds like it's going to be a tree. There's a lot of meat on that cranium. We'll just have another one and farm it. Not get to know it. Absolutely. Don't give it a name. I think that's the crucial. Don't name it and then it's easy to eat.

I can't eat anyone whose name I know. That's where I want to go. Can't eat anyone with a passport. There Yeah. That's where I was all along. Can't eat anyone with a passport. There's a separation between where our meat comes from and then when it arrives on your table. And people are over-consuming meat and the world is struggling for it. So I would like my kids to have a connection with that. So I was thinking about getting pet quails for the purpose of meat.

Because the weirdest thing I've eaten was actually, it was someone's pet. It was in Papua New Guinea and we're in the highlands and there was these three beautiful little guinea pigs that the kids were playing with the whole week that I was there. And then we had this big muumuu, which was like a hungy. Everything goes in the ground. And then they just pulled out one of the guinea pigs.

I'm like, what's going on here? And they're like, well, we're going to eat one of these. And I said to the kids, what's going on here? And they're like, well, we're going to eat one of these. And I said to the kids, are you okay with that? We're going to eat tittles. And they're like, yeah, we're okay with that. But isn't it your pet? And this little seven-year-old goes, yep, now we're going to eat it. Oh.

And I thought it was, the guinea pig had a good life. It had eaten all of the, they move it around in those open-bottomed cages so they eat all the grass. It's kind of like a. It is convenient if you stand next to an oven and then call the animal and it comes to you and goes straight in. Throw a stick in there. Anyway.

Wow. I think we should at the very least, our kids should witness that whole process. So did you eat the guinea pig? Yeah, I ate the guinea pig. It was good? It was a bit – the moo-moo process, to be honest... I said medium rare, you fucking idiot! It washes the whole...

That's so disrespectful. You eat someone's pet and then you say to its owner, it was alright. It was a bit... Look, the weirdest thing I ate in that whole dinner experience was a thing called chicken head sausage where they cut the head off the chicken and then they pull the bone out from the skin

of the neck, leave the head there, and then they get all of the insides, all of the organs, so the liver and the kidney and the heart, and they put that inside the skin and then they sew it up and they call it chicken head sausage. Right. And then they just boil that. And it was absolutely the most disgusting thing I've ever seen in my life. Excuse me, could I just get a bit of aioli for this?

That would have been good. I'm aware of the hypocrisy of eating meat and then turning up your nose at a different kind of meat. That's crazy. I'll eat pig till the cows come home. And then I'll eat the cow. Yeah, right?

But it's where you become normalised. I find it weird eating kangaroo. I've tried it once and I just found it too weird because I'm not used to eating it. Because I'm aware that I'm eating an animal that I've never eaten before. If I eat beef, I'm not thinking like, oh, this is an animal. It's just what we've grown up on. It's just conditioning.

Yes, that's right. It was no big deal in Russia for there to be 180-day aged horse salami as a delicacy. It was so good. Mr. Edibles. But here, oh, mate, everyone. That's amazing. People at home.

That's amazing. God, I'm glad the horse thing came up again because I thought of it before, but too much time had passed. I was like, just play the waiting game. If it's meant to be, it'll come up. It'll come up again. I was like, just play the waiting game. If it's meant to be, it'll come up. It'll come up again. It was meant to be. That was tasty.

Great. Good. So glad it came up again. Everyone's now just trying to think of famous horses. I know. What else is there? We've clocked the two big ones. Gosh.

No, I'm fine. I don't need to get into it. Fuck. I gave up on that years fine. I don't need to get into it. Fuck. I gave up on that years ago. Yeah, I'm not good at that shit. I saw a movie the other day with Joaquin Phoenix in it and he's like put on a bit of weight for the role. I had a lot of fun coming up with fat Joaquin Phoenix puns.

Give us three. Not doing much walking Phoenix. Okay, yeah. Joaquin 10-piece Phoenix. Very nice. And then I had a third one. I can't remember what the third one was. Yeah. Okay, yeah. Joaquin 10-piece Phoenix. Very nice. And then I had a third one. I can't remember what the third one was. Yeah.

Okay. So you really came up with two. You came up with two. You had a lot of fun coming up with two. Well, I had two good ones and then the rest was, you know, I had a lot more to get me to the point of those two. But I appreciate you saving our time. Separate the wheat from the chaff.

We must be pretty much done. Well, the official from the chaff. We must be pretty much done. Well, the official timekeeper's waiting. That's a sign of an over-familiar guest when he calls it. I used to love that on radio when callers

would wrap us up. That happens a bit, yeah, when they go, righto, okay. Don't want to keep you. Who wrote it? Okay, Gavin reckons we're finished.

Thank you, Gavin. I've got the secret sound. What else is there to do? Yeah, I can't do it. Let's get off. What's the secret sound? Beep, beep, beep. That is brutal, by the way, when you're listening to radio

and the caller hangs up before the producer has dropped the call. So you just hear that tone. It's like, wow, they fucked off on this radio show real quick no prize for me i guess because usually we do it usually yeah yeah they're sort of still mid-sentence or mid or they think they're in a conversation and someone's just gonna really feel for them oh yeah i feel for them as someone that you guys have obviously hosted radio radio shows but i haven't but i always listen to those people and you hear that the the host talk to the person who's rung up and it's like, oh, Stephen, good on you. And what have you rung up about?

Oh, I got a dog that's got fucking, you know, 17 legs. Oh, that's fucking weird. Good on you, Steve. Anyway, on to Morris with his fucking cat. Mate, what about the other people? But then I go, you never said goodbye to fucking Steve. Nah. And so Steve's just going, yeah, I've got this great thing.

Oh, that's good. And then you just Hear nothing else And they don't talk again What about the other ten people Who've rung up And not even got on Just dumped All the end

But I've always thought Those people on the radio It's like the people In American TV shows When they're on the phone And no one's ever said Goodbye on the phone Isn't that frustrating

When you're a kid You're like They didn't even say goodbye Yes Well that's what That's what radio is to me I always hear that And go

No one said goodbye to Steve It's fucking rude That's what radio is to me. I always hear that and go, no one said goodbye to Steve. It's fucking rude. That's why I listen to the ABC. Right. Because they're very polite. In fact, if anything, they could probably hang up a little bit early. It's frustrating, isn't it? When people do it. When people say, how are you to every caller? It's actually really frustrating.

But they've got so much time to fill. There's no ads and very little music. That's why they talk so slowly as well What about the friend of ours that sent us that clip Of a breakfast radio show in Melbourne Where it's like a guy calling up Talking about how he's had some really dark thoughts And you know recently

And really thought about killing himself And really pouring his heart out on I don't know what the call out was to get this guy in But he's really opening his heart. And then he very- I think someone was just taping conversations from Lifeline. I don't think this was radio station at all. But he's having this very earnest chat about how dark things got for him

and then he very audibly farts in the middle of saying this. Oh, that is brilliant. I was going to say, I hope this isn't about me and then someone cutting him off. But that's awesome. It's great. It's recent too. It's like in the last couple of weeks or something.

It's good. It's really, really good stuff. It's like in the last couple of weeks or something. It's good. It's really, really good stuff. We can tell you all about it once we're off air. But it's pretty funny. It's so good. It's so good. I think I'm going to kill myself. It is like picturing the people in the studio,

like you can't comment on it, but it's like it's so audible. That would be good if it was like, I think I'm going to kill myself. Actually, no, I'm all right now. I just had gas. I think I'm all right. It actually feels a lot better. Or the inverse, you go to your GP and you're like, I've got really bad gas at the moment. They're like, have you thought about killing yourself?

Because that usually clears it. Have you tried farting? Yes. Well, then kill yourself. thought about killing yourself? Because that usually clears it. Have you tried farting? Yes. Well, then kill yourself. That's the only way to get rid of it. As you've got the noose around the knees. Oh, fuck. That's all it was. Get down from here. Underneath the Westgate, you can just hear people

I made the wrong choice. Oh, no. Can I get a do-over? Oh, that second one wasn't a fart. That was a splat. Oh, Lord. All right. Now we'll wrap it up.

Thank you very much. So great we didn't wrap it up. Oh, gosh. That was such a good choice to keep going. That's a proper end. Oh, Lordy, Lordy. That's why you guys are the prize. Yeah. All right, make a call. That's why you guys are the prize. Yeah.

All right, make a call. That's why we sell those T-shirts. Make a call right now. Where are you going? The call is, I've just remembered another little part of the decision, which is I'm working tomorrow

and I have to find someone to replace me first. Don't look at me when you say that. That's a slight consideration as well. You're cute. Wow. All right. Harley, Brenda, Michelle, Laurie

thank you so much for joining us thanks for having me things to plug what have you both got I have a TV show coming out yes yes

which I don't have the exact date yet pilot on channel 10 19th of August terrible start of pilot week it sounds like so much hard work

that one you were doing I was like shut up just thinking about it. What's the name of it? The show is called Taboo. And it is essentially I went away for holiday with four disabled people who have various different physical disabilities.

We got to know each other. We had a great time. That's 85% of the show will be that documentary. That sounds like us going to Koh Samui, but anyway. And then 15% of the show will be my stand-up about them spliced into the show.

I perform stand-up comedy to them and their friends and family. And it is a franchise sort of a show from overseas, which is very successful. Very successful from Belgium and then 17 countries picked up the rights to it. So it's sort

of like the funniest home videos of... Can't wait to hear what the voiceover guy does with these.

It's your good friend Grandania. Oh really? Yeah. He's hosting the pilot week of

two people at Channel 10 are voicing the intros. It's weird. Okay. Cool.

Michelle Laurie, you have Let's just do the podcast Australian True Crime. I love it so much. Yeah. And then I'm just doing other weird shit.

I'm having a really fun year of just doing But people love that podcast. Yeah. People love True Crime podcasts, don't they? Yeah, they do. People hit us up to go,

are you listening to these true crime podcasts? It's like, just listen to ours, mate. Don't sell us ads on... We're just trying to get people to listen to ours. People want us

to have true crime people on this to talk about their true crime. It's like, just listen to their true crime thing. That's so amazing because I'm chasing up

the two obvious comedians for my true crime. Oh, I can guess one.'m chasing up the two obvious comedians for my true crime. Oh, I can guess one. Yeah. There's two. Is there two? Yeah. Have we mentioned them already

in this chat but off air? No. Is the second one initial CW? Yeah. Oh, right. Okay. Well, I know who they are then. Yeah, yeah.

And so both have said yes but I can't track them down. Like, we can't sort of... It's because they're criminals. Yeah. They're used to this. Yeah, yeah. They're on them down. Like, we can't sort of... It's because they're criminals. They're used to this. Yeah, yeah. They're on the land.

Yeah, yeah. So, no, I love it so much. So, Australian True Crime is called and we have interviews. That's our sort of point of difference is we always have an interview every week, like an old homicide copper or a victim or family member of a victim. And it's amazing how many of those people want to come on and talk about it. You think... Amazing.

You sort of think, oh, is this exploiting people? But then they're the ones who go, nah, I really want to come on and talk about it. For whatever reason, they want to talk about the way it was handled by police or the way it was handled by the courts or whatever. It's so interesting. People love true crime, don't they? I'm reading a true crime book at the moment. It's taken me ages to get through because I read before bed and I get too skilled.

I get through a couple of pages at a time. I believe the people who say to me, I listen to your true crime podcast before I go to sleep. Yeah, yeah. How? Don't do that. Or women who say, I listen to it when I go walking. Oh, no.

What? Fuck. Jesus. Lord almighty. No, you participate in a true crime podcast when you go walking by someone Crazy

Wow Once you get the comedy edition Man Fucking hell Please Yeah have these two guys on for

Crimes Against Comedy And the death of our careers Alright guys thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time

See you mate I'm dead Alright guys, thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mate. I'm dead. Oh, and they've done it again. Guilty. At least half guilty. For the crime of doing it again, the jury finds you guilty as charged. On the two charges, one of doing it, and two of doing it again. Were you guilty of doing it the first time?

Can you be convicted of doing it again if you were found innocent of doing it the first time? Absolutely. From the law, no. That's good to know. It's like the opposite of double jeopardy. Yes. Single jeopardy. Single jeopardy. Yeah, fun stuff, this one.

Check out Harley Brain's pilot on Channel 10, Pilot Week. Yes. Get out there and represent all the friends of the show that have TV pilots in that little project. Yeah, help those poor buggers out. We've got TV shows. We like to give them a few scraps from the table every now and then. Help their little

one-trick ponies along. Good on them. Just for giving it a go. Must be nice. Let's do podcast pilot week. Yeah, sure. How do we do that? We do a pilot for this podcast? We do a bunch of different

pilots within this show and then whichever one we like the best, whichever one gets the most votes, we then put that... That replaces Talking Dumb Dumb. Oh, really? So someone else gets to host the back... Someone else gets to read out these Patreon names for us every week.

Wow. That'd be great for us to not have to do this anymore. Don't you agree? The show itself is good. This bit, this fucking rod that we've made for our own back, where now we essentially have to record two episodes for one episode a week, is ridiculous. I'd rather rent out the first bit of the show, to be honest.

That's cool. I'd rather do this bit. Yeah, this bit is fun. This bit is pretty like... This bit you don't have to organise guests for. Yeah. It's a fucking pain in the ass. Read out some names and then we just talk about them.

Some of the guests that we get are fucking hard to organise. Some of them are just fucking pains in the asses. Yeah, most of them, I'd say. Oh, all of them, I'd say. Juggling four people's schedules to get together for an hour is a fucking nightmare everywhere. I mean, it's pretty shit of them to not make it a lot easier for us to just get them for free and get them to provide content for this podcast.

But see, the other podcasts that I do, we don't have guests on it. So that's the dream because you just do it at the same time every week. Yeah. So you don't have to factor in other people's fucking lives. Okay. Can I be on that podcast now? No, because then you're a guest and then we're back to having to fucking work around other people no i want to be i'll be a host though okay yeah do you want to

you replace me on that and i'll replace you on this great great all right so i'm doing i'm just sitting i just sit here and talk to myself for an hour every week great and then you're hanging out with ben vanell and adam knox talking about video games. The dream. The dream. What was the last video game you played, in all honesty? In all honesty, Championship Manager. Really? I've talked about this before.

No, that was the most, you haven't played like a fucking pinball machine or like a Daytona USA or something? No. So when did you play Championship Manager? Oh, a while back. But yeah, when do I accidentally start playing a video game? I don't know. You might have been. I've had my birthday a couple of years ago, a few years ago, at a video game bar, an arcade machine bar.

Yep. You didn't play any of the games there? Yeah, I may have a couple of years ago. Yeah, but what? So you played Championship Manager since then? Yes. Oh, okay. Right. I thought you were talking about like when you were a kid no no oh okay right it's not like i haven't played a

video game for 20 years that's well that's why i was asking no no i thought that's what you were saying no no no sorry sorry no i found i found uh that game again a couple years ago online ah nice and uh yeah like there's a million updates to it. I've talked about this very briefly before, but yeah, I was playing a version from 1993, I think, or 92. Right. And they've updated every year. And now they've got this like unbelievable new version of it for 2019. And I just found the version I liked from 1992.

Great. And just played that. Great. That's awesome. Because in the new versions, you'd like the new versions, you manage a soccer club and it's all about, oh, you can hire and fire the groundskeeper. Who cares? When Street Fighter 2 first came out and got really big really quickly,

they would bring out a new version of it every year. But it wasn't a sequel. It was just all the same characters and it was like, this one goes a bit faster. So they just kept adding in things where you could make the game go faster and faster and faster. That was the way that they were improving it. That's not bad.

So if it takes you a few years to get around to making a sequel of a film, you just bring the same film out the next year, but it plays at double speed. It's like turbo edition. Yeah, great. So is this what happens in video games these days? You like buy things within the game to help you get better in the game. You can, yeah.

But then you're buying it with real money? Yes. Do you play games like that? No. I hate that shit. Right. I really hate it. So there's a lot of pushback about that because there's like –

so for these online games that are competitive, you can spend your real money to, yeah, get better guns or whatever. But then it goes one step further where it's basically gambling where so you spend whatever, $20 on something that's called like a loot box or whatever and it has random stuff in it. Right. So it might be the perfect stuff that you – see, it's gambling.

So it basically is gambling. So these games come out and people fucking, people hate them, but it's just, it's unregulated. The government in this country was trying to stop it, was trying to clamp down on it, which, because it is gambling. Yeah. But it hasn't, but yeah, there's like, it happens all the time where like a developer will go, no, no,

it's not going to have any of that stuff in it. And then it comes out and it does. and people do lose their fucking minds over it but thankfully that's not i don't get into playing stuff online so it's it's i'm not affected by it right because if it was something that i was even moderately into yeah a lot of mum's money would be going down the drain on that one really yeah you don't have the uh self-control you think um probably no i mean that's if you're really into it and you're competitive enough. I'm also not a competitive person. But if you're competitive enough and you want to win,

well, then you're just going to spend that money to get those fucking sweet guns or those characters that are just like... Yeah. And the other side of it is, the other thing that people hate about it is, if you've just bought the game and you've just started playing it, you're going to lose every match that you're in because you're playing against people who've spent $500

on having all the best stuff. So it's just not a fair matchup and it's therefore not fun. Okay. Guys, this is the great kind of stuff you can hear on my video games podcast, Filthy Casuals, every Thursday. And my side of this conversation is the sort of talk you can expect on my video games podcast. I'm a fucking idiot virgin loser. Yeah. What is it? I'm a fucked virgin, I think it was. I'm a fucking idiot virgin loser. Yeah, what is it?

I'm a fucked virgin, I think it was. I'm a fucked virgin. Sorry, yeah, that's the one. It comes out every Saturday night. Right, that's cool. You download it because you've got nothing else better to do. Yes, that's not bad. That's when we should put ours up. That's heaps better. Well,

speaking of all that... Speaking of wasting money speaking of chucking money into the internet and getting nothing much back off a roll of the dice something that might be good or might not yep uh thank you to everyone who subscribes via patreon.com slash little dum-dum club that keeps this little shit video game of podcasting going called the little dum-dum club. Keeps these two little pack men chomping around, gobbling up your money and avoiding those ghosts.

Real adult jobs. Yeah, and so we give you Free Not free magazines Bonus magazines Bonus Episodes And of course

The chance to get your name Immortalized Forever In the world of podcasting By reading out your name Within this little show That you love so much That you can't help but

Pour money into it Oh boy howdy Trying to get a Fucking laser sword Or a fucking Cunt cannon Or whatever The cunt cannon or whatever. The cunt cannon. Yeah.

Hell yeah. Yeah. So, thank you to, let's first cap off the rank. Yep. Fired up the unplanned title alternator. First random name we can read out this week is, I think it's a Patreon subscriber, Phil Bewick. Bewick?

Bewick. Wow. B-E-W-I-C-K Phil Bewick. Bewick? Bewick. Wow. B-E-W-I-C-K. Bewick. Nice. Buick? I think that might be Buick. Oh, is it Buick?

I think it's Buick. Okay. Buick. Let's go. Phil Buick. I like Bewick better. Bewick. No, Bewick is way better, but I just don't think it's that.

Well, again, as always, I'm sure this person will let us know. Yep. Buick. Buick. Buick. I reckon in Australia, look, there was an AFL player called Darren Buick. It was pronounced Buick and it was spelt the same way. But I reckon in Australia, that would be possibly the only country that pronounces it that way.

Buick. Definitely in America, that would be pronounced Buick. Because they've already got a thing called a Buick. Yeah, that's true. It's spelled B-U thing called a B-wick. Yeah, that's true. It's spelled B-U-I-C-K. That's true. Yeah. I just think there's not enough E's there, dude.

That's a cool saying of yours. B-wick. B-wick. B-wick. It's like a... Maybe it's pronounced B-wick. Like, you know, that sounds a bit Elmer Fart. B-wick.

Yeah, B-wick. B-wick. Phil-whip. Phil-whip B Berwick. Berwick. Phil Whip. Phil Whip Berwick. Maybe it's short for bee's dick. Nice. Maybe it is. So you're saying Phil's got a little micropenis.

Yeah. I'm saying he's got a tiny little insect doodle. Nice. That he uses to get honey. Nice. Yeah. Cool. He flies out there to honey. Nice. Yeah. Cool. He flies out there to the Capilano factory.

Yep. And tries to fuck the roof. Well, if that's true, then call me the beekeeper because, you know, Phil chipping in is making me very horny. We're the queen bees up here. Ah, really? Okay. Okay.

All right. So he's bringing the honey to us. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Bring the honey, money. Oh, Cognirhyme. Yeah.

Bees, honey, money. He's going down the Frog and Toad road. Yep. And then he's going to get a bit of a sandwich. He can go and get sandwiched duck. Get fucked. Nice. Is that a thing? Nice. He can go and get sandwiched duck. Get fucked. Nice. Is that a thing?

Nice. He can sit on the bookshelf. Kill himself. Yeah, fuck. I don't think we're doing this right at all. I feel like we're both relaxing back in our chairs. I think I need to sit up properly to make my brain work properly. Play a video game and buy a loot crate.

Jump off the West Gate. Some of them are called loot crates. They're called loot boxes or some shit like that. I thought gaming was lame before and now it's actually gone down in my estimations. What's lamer about that than what you already thought? Gambling's cool So I think it makes it better Well, yeah, sorry

It's not that gaming is bad It's the people that do that stuff are lame Right But that's not There's this big separate rift Like that kind of stuff is so different to the stuff I'm into Right Like that online competitive stuff where people just do that

People who play You would have heard of Fortnite I have, but I don't know what it is It's just an online shooting game Oh, they shoot Like that online competitive stuff where people just do that. People who play, you would have heard of Fortnite. I have, but I don't know what it is. It's just an online shooting game. Oh, they shoot. That is out on everything. Like it's out on, you can get it on the iPad and everything. And for whatever reason, it ripped off the concept of like another game,

but then became more popular than the original game. Right. But it's the thing now that like every 12-year-old is into. Right. Super into. Right. It sucks. Right.

I hate it. You don't like that? No. Why not? What's the difference? I just don't like playing online. I don't like playing online competitive stuff. It's boring.

Okay. I want a nice little story. I want a nice little story. Oh, you like a story one? I like a little story. I like playing those Uncharted games. So is that sort of like when people like the porn where you just see it going in and out the whole time versus a bit of gonzo versus you seeing this lush production.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Before you see it going in a little bit. I like seeing not only the pizza boy turning up. I like seeing the pizza go into the oven. Right. So I like to see him get in the car and drive to work. I like to see the order come through. I like to see him kneading the dough.

The recipe? Yep. Yes, I like to see him checking the recipe For how many olives he's meant to put on there Then it's in the oven Then I like to see the pizza cook in real time Right So the 20 minutes that it takes for the dough to rise up

This is like a You're like a porn webcam And I'm just there I'm fucking on the edge of myself I am ready to burst at this point Right You know I'm just rock hard

Rock hard Is there any chance that You are not actually watching a porno? You're just watching like the food channel or something like that? Beating off in dominoes? Where I work? Yeah. Some of those official warnings that you've had at work is starting to make a bit more sense to me now.

I live near a pizza hut and I've been having cravings lately. Not just for pizza in general but for pizza huts specifically. Shit pizza. Interesting. Bad, bad pizza. You know what? I have that once a year. I let myself do that once a year. We should get one next time we pot at mine.

Let's get a pizza hut. I've had mine. Really? When? When I came back from Thailand, I was still on the bread. So when we went to Thailand, I let myself eat whatever I wanted to. But when I came back, I was like, right. And I was back for a week or something and I was still eating bread. And I went, you know what? Once a year, I walk past a pizza hut and I go, that looks fucking shit, but I'm having one.

Yeah. There's something about it. Yeah. Where it's like that craving can't be satiated by just a good pizza. Yes, I agree. It's that bad, bad, bad pizza that you want. It's something to do

with that pizza costing five bucks at being some piece of shit, cheap pizza. I go in there, I had it, I went, I have no need to have another one of them

for another year. Right. So it was no good? It was what it was. I find that they, every time I have one, I'm surprised that they seem to have gotten incrementally a little bit better. Maybe it's just that you go in with absolutely no expectation,

but I think they, I don't know, they've had to lift their game a little bit. It's still not objectively good, but I think it's perhaps better than, yeah, I don't know, what I always expect. I'm not… What did you get? I'm not. What did you get? I'm not giving any sort of rip-a-rape review. I got one of the, you know, you go in there and they've got all those different menus where it's like, come in for $5 pizza.

And you go, okay. And you go in there and they say, there are two pizzas that cost $5. The rest of them are $12. Yeah. One's margarita. One's cheese. Yeah. I had a ham lovers or something like that.

Okay. Which, you know, ham lovers means there's ham on the pizza. Yeah. You love it. Yeah. Look at you ordering it on your pizza. You fucking love it, mate. I love this a lot more than having a margarita.

Yeah, that's what that means. So, yeah, had that. No need for that for another year. Okay. So, put that in the diary. Mark that off. All right. Well, then, okay, we can just do that in like, yeah, 10 months or whatever.

Yeah, next July or so. We can go get a pizza. Okay. Great. I'll take that. Okay. Great. Put it in the – it should be like – you know how horses have a birthday that they share?

Yeah. Pizza day. People who think pizza is trash and they have it once a year. Yeah, we all get together. July 1. Great. Go and get a pizza at Pizza Hut. That's actually once a year. Yeah, we all get together. July 1. Great. Go and get a Pizza Hut pizza. That's actually great.

I think we could combine it. So the horse's birthday, I think, is August 1? Yeah, I don't know. I think maybe we can make the horse's birthday Pizza Hut Day. Imagine being a human and that was your birthday is on horse's day. Yeah. That's tough. Yeah.

Having to share your birthday with every horse. Imagine being a human And there being That rule for humans Where we all have The birthday on the same day That'd be fucking heaps easier Imagine that weekend

Imagine that party weekend That would be fucking chaos It would The day would be chaos Imagine right now It's everyone's birthday All you can hear Is people singing

Fucking candles Nothing gets done Burning this fucking city down Yeah No cake in the entire country Birthday drinks They just hire out Rod Laver Arena For everyone to have their birthday drinks

On the one night It's like 17 times worse Than fucking News Eve Yeah Oh my god That'd be fucking sick The fucking end of the world Thanks Phil

Thanks Phil Thank you to Patreon subscriber Daniel Hillier. Hillier. Cool. Yep. Hillier. Done.

Great. Thanks, Daniel. Thank you to – should we do more on here? What's to be said? I'm fading real fast, I've got to be honest with you. Well, this has been a long day. It's been a fucking long day. I had a big sandwich in the middle and I'm crashing real fast I've got to be honest with you Well this has been a long day It's been a fucking long day I had a big sandwich in the middle

And I'm crashing dude I'm crashing and burning Alright come on Daniel Hillier Fire yourself up I'm sitting up on the edge of my seat Well all I can think is Peter Hillier

But that's not him Similar sounding name You're right Hillier In a way you're right It's not him That's what I was about to say before And I stopped myself

Because it's such a bad observation Well to be fair We could have said that About everyone we've ever Not him. That's what I was about to say before and I stopped myself because it's such a bad observation. Well, to be fair, we could have said that about everyone we've ever talked about in the Patreon room. Okay. All right. Well, maybe a bit like Peter Hellyer. Yeah. Imagine.

Yeah. Not Peter Hellyer. One of the biggest things that he's got going for him. Yep. Yep. His name came from, I assume, a time where someone had Hills as a name. Yep. And someone tried to one-up that. Ah, Hillier.

Yeah, and I'm Hillier. Nice, nice. A real keeping up with the Joneses. Yeah, keeping up with the – and so you're not just keeping up with the Joneses. You're then going, I'm Jonier. Jonesier. Jonesier. All right.

Not bad. That'll do. Thanks, Daniel. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Nathan Jacques. Nathan Jacques. Yeah, Nathan Jacques. That's quite nice. That's an interesting one because you've got a first name as your surname,

but it's like a different nationality first name. Also, not Peter Hellyer. No. Right, is this a new thing? We just have to point out every time someone isn't Peter Hellyer. Well, I think it's only fair. Yeah, okay. Not Peter Hellyer. That first person wasn't peter hell yeah like the david

daniel i mean daniel hillier you said not peter hell yeah it's like cool well i just feel like you know all of a sudden we say nathan jacks and we if we don't say that all people will be like oh is this peter hell yeah fair enough fair enough so not not fair enough to our knowledge fair enough unless he's being... Okay. Yeah. Okay. I wonder what the fifth name is going to be. I don't know why you would say that. Me either. Like I said, I'm feeling loopy.

We've been in here all day. You are so tired, man. I don't even understand what language you're talking in. Am I asleep right now? You're talking in the same language as Jacques. I don't speak French, buddy. All right? Jacques.

Jacques. That would be great. Say to someone, what's your name? Jacques. Look, Matt, I don't speak French, buddy. All right? Jacques. Jacques. That would be great. Say to someone, what's your name? Jacques. Look, Matt, I don't speak French. Yeah. I'm sorry. I don't get it.

Mate, if you're going to live here, your name is fucking Nathan Jack. Nathan Jack. All right? Nathan Jack or fucking fuck off. The French for The French Jacques Jacques Ma Jacques Moi Petit

Dick off Penisa Very nice Well thanks Nathan Thanks Knackers Thanks Knackerbags Thank you to Patreon subscriber

Steve Hold these No Not from Miribor, I don't believe. This guy's name is Steve Kaser. K-A-S-E-R. Kaser. Have you ever heard of such a name?

Say it again. K-A-S-E-R. Kaser. Yeah, that is a weird one. Kaser. With that money, we'll be able to buy a case of beer. Oh, that's not really a strange terminology.

Let me very quietly. Stephen Kesa not Peter Hellier. Oh yeah yeah sorry sorry. Kesa beer.

Wait hey don't whisper you know say it loud and proud. Oh okay. Not Peter Hellier. Right right

okay. I felt it was like you know one of those radio ads where they you know they say oh come and get

this Toyota Corolla 1999. It's fucking great. Okay, see you down there at Bumsy Toyota. LMCT 107-69-69-69-69. Or the government, or they're like paid for in sources. Not paid in hell yet. Government, one treasure, not paid in hell yet. Yeah, exactly.

It's just one of those ones. By the way, at the start of this episode, I said, my name is Tommy Dasolo. I should clarify, I'm not Peter Hellyer. Right. And I also said, joining me is the other half of the show, Carl Chandler. Right. Also not Peter Hellyer. Right.

And then you, G'day Dickhead. Yeah. Not Peter Hellyer. Right. It's just people's names. It's not words. Harley Breed and Michelle Laurie. Yeah. Neither of them Peter Hellyer. Yes. Right. Okay. We've all met Peter Hellier. Right. It's just people's names. It's not words. Harley Brine and Michelle Laurie. Yeah.

Neither of them Peter Hellier. Yes. Right. Okay. We've all met Peter Hellier. Yeah. But, you know, we're not him. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. But like, hey, G'day Dickhead, that's not a person. But Dickhead is you addressing someone. Yeah. So just in case people worry that you're saying G'day. People think you're saying it to me just in case they think you're saying it to Peter Hellier. You're not.

Or are you? But we just said, we just explained in case they think you're saying it to Peter Hellyer. You're not. Or are you? But we just said, we just explained that. We just said neither of us are Peter Hellyer and then I say g'day Dick and you say not Peter Hellyer. Well, I feel like that's a bit of overkill because you don't just go, okay, I'm hungry, not Peter Hellyer. Well, look, better to be safe than sorry. I think it's much better to be sorry in this case.

In this case-er. In this Steve case. Case-er. Nice. Nice. Case-a-dee-er. This has case. In this Steve case. Case. Nice. Nice. Case-a-dee-a. This has been a case of mistaken identity in that you should have given us even more money. The money that you gave to World Vision.

There we go. There we go. Steve Case-a. Love that money you sent us. Yeah. Really appreciate it. Thanks, buddy. Yeah. Much appreciated.

Much appreciated. Okay. Thanks, buddy. Yeah. Appreciate it. Much appreciated. Okay. Thanks, Kesa. So, look, you are fading fast. I am, yeah. Let's get out of here. I'm a ghost at this point. Let's just do a quick –

I've got a little headache. Let's just do a quick one where we just find – where we hit the button and we find someone who's been subscribing to us and just giving us money. Someone that we definitely know. That's what we've been doing this whole time there's no need to kind of point this out okay right

sorry I haven't been listening so I didn't know what had been going on you've been doing it you haven't been listening as we've been doing it yeah yeah yeah cool cool I'm just concentrating on what I'm doing

I don't listen to what's happening yeah I'm just you're just driving the train focused on what's coming you're not watching the train yeah exactly yeah

you can't do both at once you either hold a steering wheel or you look out the window. How do you? I'm not a fucking. Yeah. God. I'm not like one of those guys that pats his head and rubs his tongue at the same time.

Yeah. I'm a fucking mad multitasker. All right. Right. So let's get ready for whoever the last one. Whoever they may be. This week is. Right.

Here we go. Hit the big red button. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. Right. Here we go. Hit the big red button. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. Okay. All right. Well, this is interesting considering. Considering what? Oh, I just, look, I don't think you would understand before I say it.

Sure, sure, sure. So, yep. Okay. Right. Who's it going to be? What's the name? Well, that's what I'm trying to say. I'm waiting. I just, I want to Okay. Right. Who's it going to be? What's the name? Well, that's what I'm trying to say. I'm waiting.

I just want to know. I thought you maybe thought that maybe I don't want to know, but I do want to know. No, no, no, no, no. Well, even if you don't want to know, this is the end of the show. So, we have to do. Yep. It's like you saying at the top of the show,

I don't want to hear this episode. Yeah. Well, okay, but we need to still put it out and record it. Yeah. All that sort of stuff. Yeah. It's a bit pointless saying that. Sure.

Okay. Well, lay it on me. I'm about to hear it and I'm very excited. I know you're excited. Yeah, I'm very, very excited. Right. Okay. Well, get listening because this is the bit that's going to happen next

that you want to hear. It is wide open. It's about to happen. Yep. Wax, no wax in him. Gave him a big old clean out this morning. Destroyed a few Fucking Q-tips Getting ready for this

Let me tell you And you know what Start Hit record on this one Oh really Yeah In case you want to hear this one again Okay right

Right I can't wait to listen back to this as well And relive it a second time Yeah yeah yeah We'll hit record And you'll be able to do that Okay and done Don't let this

Don't let another one of these ones Go unrecorded Because this is This is just a Is this one of the unrecorded live shows right now? Yes, yes. We've got a tech doing an awful job right now. We just didn't get any audience in for this one.

Yeah. We should get an audience for the live ones. We should. I'll write that down. But look, that's a job for later on. What I'm interested in right now is hearing this name that you've got in front of you that you seem very, very interested in. Well, it doesn't matter whether I'm interested or not.

It's just... I didn't say it did. I didn't say it did. I just said you are interested in it, though. It's like having a movie and then 10 minutes to go. Someone pops up and goes, oh, fucking looks like the director's very interested in this. It's like...

Fine, I'll edit this out then. I'll edit this whole... He's not interested. I'll edit all of this out. He's just trying to do his job and finish the fucking film. I'll cut all of this out then. But he's interested in his own work. He cares about what he's doing.

He believes in his product. That's a given. Like, you know, that's what everyone is. Well, not to everyone – There's no need to point it out. Like, it's like, oh, check this out. It's like, what? Are you making fun of him?

My anticipation is through the roof. These constant interjections and – Of yours? No, of yours. You interjected me. How am I interjected me i just said i just said you're interested i said you're interested and you're like no i'm not just read the name how am i interjecting when i'm trying to read a name then you're saying stuff and i say stuff and you go you're interjecting it's like no you started i'm great question how are you doing it it boggles

the mind how and why are you doing this? There's two people talking here. There's one person trying to shut up another person to do his job properly. There's another person talking fucking nonsense. Look, I feel like what I've been trying to say has been somehow lost in translation. The message has gotten a little muddied. The fact remains, I am interested in hearing this name, and I cannot wait until you read it out to me. That's all I'm trying to say.

That's all. Well, I feel like there's some sort of fucking agenda behind that. There's no agenda. The agenda is me wanting to hear the name. Okay. Because I'm waiting with baited breath. If there is an agenda, why wouldn't you say it before every single name I ever read out? It just feels like this is some sort of pointed barb at this point.

And some sort of, I don't know whether you're trying to delay me saying it. So you now want me to address whether or not I have an agenda in you reading out the name. For every name from here on out that we do. I'm not wanting that. I'm just questioning why you don't say that. If this is your alibi in constantly interrupting this last name. There's no alibi. There's no, I just want to hear the name.

I'm just excited to hear the name. Well, here comes the name. Well, great. Unless you've got anything more to say. As we know. Unless you've got anything more to say. You saying know. Unless you've got anything more to say. You saying here comes a name, as we know, this is music to my ears. This is all I want at this point.

Well, again, this is just you talking. I was about to say it and then you keep talking. You keep having questions for me. All right, well, I'll try again. Please, I won't interrupt anymore. All right, thank you. You're welcome. Time.

I won't interrupt anymore. Right. Thank you. You're welcome. Time. We're going to have to start doing rehearsals for this or something. Just so... Get some timing happening or something. I reckon we should start this again.

I'm just... This one's a mess. Just so we can get this... Like... People are paying for this Stop Stop wasting so much time And just say the name

I'm trying to If I could get a fucking word in I would say it Oh you've got a real editing On your hands for this episode This one's going to be a nightmare This is The scissors are going to be working overtime.

So make this, make us look professional in this one. Fucking hell. This is embarrassing. This is, I'm a bit embarrassed now, I have to say. God. I see the error of my ways. I'm with you. I'm embarrassed for you.

Right. Oh, God. Especially when you're getting in the way of what I'm about to say, which is. Oh, the name. I'd forgotten all about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I, yeah, I'm back to being excited now. Yeah.

Okay. Thank you to Patreon subscriber subscriber Peter Hellier Comedy. Now, hang on. Now, this isn't Peter Hellier. No, this isn't Peter Hellier. This is Peter Hellier comedy. Sorry, we have to put this asterisk there. It's not Peter Hellier, obviously. It's Peter Hellier comedy.

Oh, wow. What a wonderful end to a fucking five-hour recording session that we've had. See, I wish you could inject here delirium sometimes? It would be way better than doing 50 podcasts in a row. Well, we got there. Sure it wasn't good, but we got there.

Good one, boys. We did it. Alright, thanks everyone. Patreon.com slash Little Dumb Dumb Club if you would like to support the show. Whether or not you are Peter Hellier, we will take any and all forms of currency from you. LittleDumbDumbClub.com for the tickets to the live shows, the T-shirts, all the merchandise that we currently have. We will see you next week with another new episode. Until then, take care of yourselves, each other, and we'll see you next time.

Good night, Australia. See you, mates.