The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 413 - Lawrence Mooney & David Quirk

Episode Date: September 5, 2018

Things get loose this week as we're joined in the battery cage by LAWRENCE MOONEY and DAVID QUIRK! Quirk's got a new living situation that we're determined to get to the bottom of, Karl's had a run-in with some youths and Lawrence has been chroming! Don't forget, we have a bunch of huge live shows coming up:BRISBANE: We're heading back to do our 2018 stand-up shows back-to-back PLUS a huge live podcast! OCTOBER 21.MELBOURNE: We're doing a huge live episode PLUS a roast! OCTOBER 27.PERTH: We're heading back for our annual huge day of stand-up and podcasting! NOVEMBER 18. For tickets, merchandise, links to our Patreon and heaps of other stuff, head to our website: littledumdumclub.com  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Lawrence Mooney and David Quirk. But first, we've got to let you know about some dates that we have coming up. October the 21st, we are going to be in Brisbane doing a huge three-hour Dumb Dumb show. It's our solo shows. It's a live podcast. It's at the Triffid, a massive venue. It's starting at what, one in the afternoon, a Sunday afternoon. So come down.

Brisbane always the number one ticket buyer in the country. And you always sell your shows out. So Brisbane, there is no excuse for dawdling. You know it will sell out. So get onto it. Yep. Following that, the next week we are back in Melbourne, October the 27th, 8 p. 8pm at the Comics Lounge.

We are doing a huge live podcast, live in Adelaide, in Melbourne, and followed by a big roast all in the one ticket. That is going to be our big, big Melbourne show for the year. Yep, we're a while out from that, but we are already selling very well. So we're well over halfway sold. So get on to it. And then Perth, Sunday, November the 18th, we're well over halfway sold. So get on to it. And then Perth, Sunday November the 18th, we're going to be there. Once again doing both our solo shows and a big

live pod with some special guests that we are bringing over from interstate. Always a great time when we do that little afternoon in Perth. So this is it. This is your yearly chance to see us if you're over in WA. Come check that out. Again, selling very, very well so far. Looking forward to seeing all of you guys there.

littledumbdumbclub.com if you want tickets to all of those things. Also, the merchandise and links to our Patreon. If you enjoy the show every week, you can show your support by chipping in a little bit of money to help keep this thing going. We very much appreciate it. We will be back after the episode for another edition of Talking Dumb Dumb where we're going to read out some names of people who support the show. But until then, enjoy this new episode with Lawrence Mooney and

David Quirk. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the little Dum Dum Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Sitting across from me, the other half of the show, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. Let's become one of those shows where we don't do an intro. We just kind of start the recording as we're chatting before the show begins. I fucking hate it.

And then that becomes the show. I hate it. This week's one will be a pretty good intro based on what we just heard around the kitchen table. Let's get in. It'd be a waste to say anything more, but bring the guests in now. Let's welcome our two guests today, David Quirk and Lawrence Mooney. Hi, Tigers. Yes.

Back together again. The last time was in the kitchen of Chandler's former Hawthorne apartment before he was a married man, and then he became betrothed to the beautiful Di. I was redacted. No present, sadly. Oh, yeah yeah good point Good point What he decided to do Was to show her

His love Move her from that Tiny Hawthorne shithole To another tiny Hawthorne shithole To go look what I've done As a man Yeah

Yeah I'm a big boy now Like But you know That's still one Move ahead of someone Who would come to a wedding And not bring a present So you know

Oh less Less than a present I've thought about it, remembered, then just not done it. Well, that's as good as trying. What a claim to fame. I do remember, I think, he'd love that and then I forget.

As you pass Lush every day on your way to the skateboard shop, you go, I should get them some soap. Some bulk soap from this stinky fucking cupboard. I should get them some soap. Some bulk soap. As I smell that. From this stinky fucking cupboard. I should have at least had these wax. Then he thinks, that would require thinking about someone that's not me. Nah, don't think I'll do that.

Nah, I'm different now. I'll just pop an alley. I'm different now. You ask me in AMA. Man, man, we all live on planet quirk. I've heard you have changed. I've heard you moved into the city for a start. You're living in the latte sector?

In the lanes? No, it's less latte than where bloody Tom used to live, I reckon. Where did Tommy used to live? Right across the road from a cop shop. I'm bloody right near a cop shop. Dab yourself in for being a tight cunt then, I reckon. Go in and throw yourself in the bin. Officer, I'm tight.

Take me from Are you Are you subconsciously Moving closer to the police Because there's something You've done that you Suppressed And you're like

I need to I need to confess a crime This will be convenient Because I reckon you I've wasted my life That should be a crime Put me in jail Yeah

I'm I'm Yeah I was blessed with talent And I've done fuck all with it I'm a 40 I'm a 40 I'm a 43 year old skateboarder I was blessed with talent and I've done fuck all with it. I'm a 43-year-old skateboarder. Put me in jail.

I've wasted more comic talent than Dave Williams and Greg Fleet put together. Fucking hell. He's the best complimenting insult. Let's not say anything we can't take back. Come on. Let's not slander people Who haven't been on this show before No

But Dave Williams You know You get a few drinks in there And he just weeps At his missed opportunities Because he was obsessed With ploughing birds And that's all he does

That's right That got him down For a long time And probably still Yeah And that's exactly you What's your excuse Look this is a guy

To explain You have had your cock In more women Ploughing birds You have had your cock In more women. Plowing birds. You have had your cock in more women than I have had fucking. Men or boys? Plowing. I'll make it a reasonable amount.

Okay. No, that. But you're different now, you were saying. You've changed. I'm different now. What's different? How are you changed? I'm talking about putting the blade in the furrow.

When I say plow, it's not just some agrarian aggressive act of tractoring over unbroken ground. I'm just using a metaphor. Fuck. The plug in the socket if you want. Listen to fucking Woom's Shakespeare on Tinder over here. Dylan Thomas. Hi listeners.

John Tinder. G'day mate. Do you want me to fucking cut up your broken earth? No, mate. All right, I'll try again. How about I drive me tractor over your fucking cornfield? I've just remembered what the problem is with having people on this

who are regularly on breakfast commercial radio every morning. It's like, where the release valve? It's just all this. This is what's been – I take it that's not me you're talking about. Yes, yes. Well done. Oh, it's the new quirk.

You figured something out. Excuse me. I've got other outlets as well. Is that a crime? Should I send myself in? I'm smart now. I've got other outlets for my filth. I've been on Channel 7.

Yes, I watched that before. What was it? What was this? Coxgate. Yeah, you got in trouble for saying the word Cox on the footy. Right, right, right. On the footy. No, that's a shame.

On the footy. On the footy. He said Cox on the footy. Footy. On the footy. There's that legend who said Cox on the footy. Well, the weird thing about it is people come up to me and go, you're the guy that said Cox on the footy.

Not footy, it's the footy. On the footy. The footy. Hey, there's that fucker that said Cox on the footy. Not footy, it's the footy. On the footy. The footy. Hey, there's that fucker that said cocks on the footy. It's like, yeah. It's like, good on you, mate. Fucking hilarious. That's a nice new credit I'll be able to put on the European Beer Cafe poster.

Nice. Appearing here, Lawrence Mooney, the guy that said cocks on the footy. Well, speaking of where I live now, there's this bit around the corner that sort of is this little alcove where the youth get into, like some young Turks get into and they can't be sort of seen. They get in there with their little instruments. A few Rod Stewart fans.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. Yeah, exactly what I was thinking. Are they running free tonight? Some big small faces fans. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally. Yeah. Exactly what I was thinking. Are they running free tonight? Some big small faces fans. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I walk past them.

So you're watching them. You're watching shaking your fist from your balcony. Yeah. They're probably like some like, you know, 36-year-olds or something. Get out of here, you kids. He's watching young people in an alcove. Yeah. I think he's just fucking batting off relentlessly into his own pop life.

From a distance, it looks like you're shaking. Oh, yeah. Some of your kids. Look at those young kids with their skateboarders is it

some of your kids but the ones that are actually the correct age to skateboard not unlike you yep

sorry yep so they're in there when they're masturbating over children from a distance on skateboard let's make that clear

is it criminal about how old they are I can masturbate over Quirk because he's of age so that's fine am I yeah you're right did somebody just come in or just walk past about how old they are. I can masturbate over Quirk because he's of age so that's fine. Am I?

Yeah, you're right. Fuck up. Did somebody just come in or just walk past? Someone walked past. Because this is a fucking battery cage. Seriously. I think the chicken in the next slot

just got its head caught in the fucking feeder. Hey, as a vegan I'm not happy being in here. Why are humans living in this? This is the size that you get when you're a podcaster. Look, I know you're on Breakfast Radio and you're out in Graceland, out the fucking road. Graceland, Graceland, Memphis, Tennessee.

Actually, you should do this podcast soon from my house, down the road, a lovely, lovely apartment. And yes, I got lucky. I pay a nominal amount of rent to my partner. from my house down the road a lovely lovely apartment and yes I got lucky I pay a nominal amount of rent to my partner renting

renting oh renting off your partner yeah you fucking tight ass how does it work oh how fucking

how can how can he ask you for the right amount of money got a gay joke hey no seriously listeners is that what you say to him we are having a fight how dare you ask me for the correct amount of money. Got a gay joke away. Hey, no, seriously, listeners. Is that what you say to him? We are having a fight.

How dare you ask me for the correct amount of rent? No, you cannot be paying your partner rent. What do you mean? Are you subscribing to your girlfriend's Patreon or something? Is that what that means? What I've just told you is as bad as me living in the garage. He's different now. I'll change it all.

How can I not? I'm leaving. No, you can't pay her rent. You've got to say, let's pay half. Yeah. Half the rent. I'm not ranging. At the time, I couldn't do it.

I can't do it now. What's your percentage? What's the split? I don't know. I can't even remember exactly what they're full of. You can't even count that much money. This is love. Listen, I know it's love.

Is this the woman I saw you in Armadale with Fuck I hope so Couldn't Because we're going live We're going live To your girlfriend's ears Now I saw you in Armadale I was like the person

That day I saw you in Armadale You don't remember You don't forget that sort of stuff Now Armadale Is that when I blamed you No you didn't blame me I said

Well for those people Not living in Melbourne Armadale is a those people... Is that when I blamed you? No, you didn't blame me. I said, well, for those people not living in Melbourne, Armadale's a leafy inner suburb where... Toorakish. It's very rich. For people that don't live in Melbourne, it's Toorakish. What a fucking great explanation. Everyone's heard of Toorak. Everyone, yeah.

If you're living on the Upper East Side in Manhattan... New York City. Oh, this is very Toorakish. Think Barker. Think Toorak. The Mars Explorer knows about T-Rack. Everyone fucking knows that one. Voyager, just as it passed out of our solar system

its last name was T-Rack. Yeah, those satellites, in case they run into out-of-space people, it's like they play a bit of Beatles and they mention T-Rack. Yeah, because Kim Kardashian just came out with a new T-shirt and it's got T-Rack on the front of it. It's like, it's as leafy like T-Rack. It's what Darmod has. I stand by that. He's defended himself by just saying the exact same

thing again. I swear to God, everyone knows what I'm talking about. I don't care if you are from Costa Mui or the Upper East Side. Or Mayfair. In London. So I saw you in the suburb where I live in a beautiful double-story Victorian terrace and I said quit. You've added an extra story there. live in a beautiful double-story Victorian terrace.

And I said, quit. You've added an extra story there. No, no, double-story Victorian terrace. This must have been a dream. There's no fucking, it's one story. All right. You were at the front of your double-story. Yeah, yeah.

I've never seen you at your own place. I've never seen you on a second story. That was great gaslighting, trying to convince someone that their house is one story shorter than what they're saying. Well, I'd believe it normally. Okay, well, all right. I saw you in the place where I lived and I thought, he's made a mistake. He's got off the train prematurely. You didn't cross the river often.

You're a northerner. Yeah, that's true. You're a real quinoa fucking dude. Eating loser, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I ain't quinoa too, but it's... You don't talk about it. I don a northerner. Yeah, that's true. You're a real quinoa fucking dude. Eating loser, yeah. I mean, I ain't quinoa too, but it's... You don't talk about it. I don't talk about it. Not like I do. I don't shove my quinoa down my throat with my fucking vegan balls. I'm always

carrying on about quinoa. I blog about it. I've got a whole blog. I said, Dave, you turn around and go, oh, Lawrence. And you're with another beautiful girl again because you've ploughed the field. And I said, what are you doing here? Yeah, yeah.

As a warning to the woman you were with, but also because I thought you were deeply lost. Right. But you lived in Armidale for a bit. He does have that look on his face. I'm fast. I can't remember this moment at all. But that's common. I saw you twice in Armidale. a bit. He does have that look on his face. I'm fast. I can't remember this moment at all. But that's common. I saw you twice in Armidale.

I last saw you on the train, I thought. Yeah, in Armidale. Get off at Armidale. He's changed, folks. He's a different man now. I've changed the way I've sat there. You got rid of your... No, look, it probably would have been Gemma.

I reckon I saw you twice. It probably would have been Gemma who won't be listening to this under any circumstances. So we can tell you what you like. Gemma doesn't listen to men talking about themselves. She doesn't like hearing four white men laugh. Thank you for acknowledging me as white. Thank you.

That's all right. And a laugher. Gemma, if you are listening, don't speak whilst four white men are speaking. Just listen carefully. Hey, look, she hangs around quirks. She's well used to people being obsessed with themselves. Yeah, get into the nuts, Lauren. You were pretty sparing with the nuts early.

Have we got off to a good start? I think so. What's going to make it better is chewing peanuts into the microphone is going to help it. Oh, come on. I'm a professional. I'm going to turn away. Yeah, nice. I brought peanuts.

So what I was saying was, I was talking about the youths, your kinfolk. In the Alco. In the Alco. The quinoa folk. Yes, exactly. Yeah, but in Hawthorne. So I'm walking past there and I see them, you know, reasonably often. They're in there and they're tagging.

They're doing, you know, you know what they're doing, Quirk, whatever. Do they still call it tagging? They're mucking around in their long trousers. They're tagging. They're chroming. They're poppin' ollies. Exactly. All of that.

Does chroming still happen? It must, right? It's like the most entry-level drug. You just get spray paint in a bag and you're done. You're set. You don't need a dealer, you just need Bunnings. You don't need contacts. Yeah, exactly.

I do a lot of chroming. Nice. I do. Is it big on radio? No, it's big on the show that I do because I spray paint my hair white every night to be Melvin Turner. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's big on the show that I do because I spray paint my hair white every night to be Melvin Turner. In a death spiral to the end of my career.

And I've sucked in so much that I just think, fuck, I hope this isn't toxic. But you know what? I walked up a walkway over a freeway recently and I was like an emphysemic fucking pensioner and Lucy. Just ruins a green innards. I think I think I've had too much spray paint in my fucking hair

I thought you were going to say because you're on Breakfast Radio in Brisbane I thought you did a bit of chroming for the secret sound

just a bit of shhh what's this big open mouth breathing so you end up with the paint around your lips too

that's good shit the Ronald McDonald look that's good shit yeah it's hard going anyway you don't breathe it in through your nose oh yeah

you haven't watched the kids in the alcove you haven't paid enough attention yeah so I walk past you walk past yeah I can walk past I thought you said

you were standing on your no no someone else said that that was a flight of fancy I went on that's a bit of exagger I went on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a bit of exaggeration from Tommy's comic toolbox. Yes.

Yes. And it went down an absolute treat I have to say. A job well done. Have you got the book The Comic Toolbox? No, I don't.

I bet you have. I don't. Is that a real book? Go through your bedroom. Go for it. It is a real book. I've seen it. I've not bought it.

But yeah, it does exist. Oh. I had one. Look at how my career's going. You think I've seen it. I've not bought it. But yeah, it does exist. I had one. Look at how my career's going. You think I've read that fucking book? I had an awful comedy book called... Zen and the Art of Stand-Up. No.

The Happiest Refugee. It was called The Comedy Bible. Oh, yeah. Oh, by someone Carter. Judy Carter. Jude Carter. Yeah. I remember that name.

And the quote on the front is by Will Anderson. And it's like, I'm an atheist, but if there is a God, clearly he's got a sense of humour according to the fucking title of this book. It's like, oh, my God. I've bought it, and I've never opened it. I opened it the other day because I was shedding books, and it said, lesson one, get an agent.

Lesson one, write a fucking joke, Jim. Wait, so Will's given a quote that's kind of bagging it and she's put that on the cover? No, kind of saying, oh, I called it the Bible and if there is a God, you're going to hell. So I reckon Will would have been doing comedy for about three minutes before he wrote that. It's been around for a long time.

Right. So I'm not bagging Will. I reckon they reprinted it in Australia. I think that would have been it. I think it would have been a recent reprint. No, it wasn't. It was yellow. This book was brittle.

The oldest colour there is. Right. The only colour they had back then was yellow. It was sepia. It's like the ancient time, the yellow pages. Yeah. Once and never again Have you seen Will's quote

On the front of that So I am I don't know There's an internet You're useless But I've got to say it Lawrence It is funny

To be sitting opposite you All of a sudden Because Speaking of books I acquired this very bizarre Cookbook This weird Fucking comedy

Cookbook Yeah The Mirabelle Yeah you're wearing a red t-shirt At one point You're At one point cookbook this weird fucking comedy cookbook the mirror bell yeah you're wearing a red t-shirt at one point you're at one point

in the book oh spoiler it's the second oldest colour I'm wearing a red t-shirt the whole book there you go a couple of points

I still use that the one recipe I use that is Mikey Robbins carbonara oh yeah because whenever I look at Mikey Robbins,

I think I've got to eat what he's eating. Yeah. He's eating heaps of it. It must be good. Clearly, I am eating what Mikey Robbins eats. What about the red T-shirt? You still bust that out from time to time? It was 2003, 2004.

That sounds about right, yeah. My marriage had failed, first marriage. Oh, you're blonde in the book? No. Fuck. Damn. I was blonde in the book? No. Oh, damn. I was living in a shotgun shack. I reckon it was before the blonde. Right.

Before the blonde phase. I want someone to do a new version of that book, The Comedian's Cookbook. Oh, yeah. That'd be cool if we got in there. What would you have quirk in there? Just quinoa. Cheese on toast?

Oh, you don't eat cheese, do you? Toast. I used to. I'll make toast. Toast, yeah. Do you think honey's theft, you don't eat cheese, do you? Toast. I used to. I'll make toast. Toast, yeah. Do you think honey's theft? I don't know. Let's move on.

What's your secret shame? No, I don't fucking know. Honestly, even as a vegan, do the bees suffer? I don't know. The jury's still out. But I don't really eat it, no. Right. Honey. Because your social media feed is full of, you know,

you shouldn't eat biscuits because it's cruelty and all that sort of stuff. So is there any secret shame to something that you do eat? Do you know the coolest't eat biscuits because it's cruelty and all that sort of stuff so is that is there any secret shame something that you do eat you know for all this thing about biscuits secret shame yeah the palm oil right yep and the habitat for the orangutans yeah yeah it's ongoing fuck the orangutans man do they even suffer yeah do they even know what's going on if i get another fucking orangutan certificate for christmas oh boy you fucking chay chay the orangutan have you have. Boy, you fucking cha-cha the orangutan. Have you? Have you had a fucking JB Hi-Fi gift card?

That I'll let sit on the desk and expire and then go in and have an argument with them about fucking theft and corporations. But no more cha-cha. Yeah. Good. Well said. Well said.

So this alcove. So going past. And these kids are in there. And they're up to no good. They're near do-wells, as you may say. And they've got the spray can out. I don't want, you know, they're about to go at it or something. And I walk past.

All male? Do they have gender mix? Yeah, no, it's not cool. It's all guys. No trans people? No, not cool. Do they have skateboards? No one of colour?

No. Oh, that was going to be my next question. Colour is a really racist thing to say, off colour. I think it's fine. I think black people can say off colour, but I don't think you can say off colour. Cancel this group of teens. This is despicable.

Yeah, they need to recast. This is an audio podcast. No one knows what colour is. Okay, so it's just a bunch of white guys. So it's a meeting of the Liberal Party, and they're just fucking spray painting shit. Yeah, right. Christopher Pine's there. Dean Hawthorne. Danny Alcove. of white guys so it's a meeting of the Liberal Party and they're just fucking spray painting shit yeah right Christopher Pine's there

yeah down the alcove no serious question they're spray painting they're protesting you go give us a cut of all that

fucking Turnbull cash Turnbull cash you're making a prick a serious question do they have skateboards

I didn't see because I'm guessing by the sound of it they wouldn't be actual skateboards oh really it looks like a bit of an area where you could pop an ollie so possibly Skateboards. I didn't see. Because I'm guessing, by the sound of it, they wouldn't be actual skateboards. Oh, really? It looks like a bit of an area where you could pop an ollie. Okay.

Possibly. I'm with you, though. I'm with you. Right. When was the last time you popped an ollie? How many hours are we speaking? I reckon I've done one in the last 48 hours. Oh, sick.

Is that what you call masturbation? I can still feel it. Right. Did you ever used to go to the sale yards back in the day? Yes. God damn. Listeners, the sail yards back in the day? Yes. God damn. Listeners, the sail yards is like Tourette. But you can skate there.

What about in Adelaide when we were in Rundle Mall and I got on the skateboard? Yes. You're quite surprised at my dexterity. Now we're talking. These are memories I can relate to. There's no... Because you feature more from it.

Stories I have to picture. I didn't fall off it and I made a turn and I skated along and you went... And, to memory, I was walking along with a lady that I used to plough. Wasn't I? It's an unfortunate cultural term when it comes to lovemaking.

Now that I hear it from somebody else, I can see how objectionable it is. It seems very lower class coming from you now. Quirk's a changed man. Mooney's a changed man. We're all learning to free exchange of ideas. Are you still married? Yeah, still.

That hasn't worked out? Still missing a present? All that sort of stuff. You look fitter since you got married. Are you fitter? Yeah, I'm going to the gym. You've shed weight. Going to the gym.

Are you eating pies and drinking Coke and living your life? Off it. Off it. Off it. Off the sugar, off the bread. Mmm. Yeah. I'm becoming like you.

That's stupid. Yeah. Really? So Dilrub. No, bread. Dilrub and fucking Ben got under your skin. No, you know what it was a little bit when we went to Koh Samui. So Dil went on his thing

Tommy has dropped a bunch of weight All of a sudden I went I don't want to get fucking I don't want to get fucking left behind I don't want to No you've been doing it for ages though You've been Didn't your mum call you fat

Like two years ago And then you immediately Stopped eating bread And like started caring About your weight more Oh maybe I think that's Because you have been

You've been exercising a bit On and off for a little while. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I ramped it up a little bit lately. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So what are you down to? What's your weight?

I didn't weigh myself in the last week or two, but I got down to 82, 82.2 or something. That's pretty good. Yeah, it's good. If I can keep that, that would be good. I would love to be 88. I'm on 70. I'm just busting to lose that one extra kilo.

Oh, really? So get 69. Yeah. Dinner for two. What about this? I went on and then I jacked off. Oh, really? To get 69. Yeah. Dinner for two. What about this? I went on and then I jacked off thinking like, maybe this will get me over the line. I've done that.

I've done that. I'm going to have a haircut, go for a fucking irrigation. Yeah, right. Colonic irrigation. Same time. Go to the fucking nail salon. You come home, you've lost a kilo and a half. Yeah.

The nail salon. salon yeah that's true it's all weight isn't it yeah yeah fucking count it off me get it all off and then you get ready to fight don't you no

after that I went out with champagne we drank six bottles of red wine nice my girlfriend slash now my wife at the time said

you're not coming to my father's birthday and we had a big argument what's fucking wrong? Then I left. I split from her. She went to her father's birthday. I went to Trades Hall and joined a celebration for a teacher who had been in the teachers' union for 30 years, sang the Nationale, the Solidarity song, drank a couple of pints of Guinness

and projectile vomit onto Ligon Street like after all that wine through the window no I could see the gusher

in the headlights that's beautiful they were tooting and just saying why can't I get you father they fuck you just two pints after all that wine what about saying that saying that 69 saying, well, okay, they fuck you.

Just two points after all that wine. What about saying that? That's a little take though. Saying that 69. Now, this is something I've found recently. The kids of today

don't know what 69 means. Is this true? As in a sexual thing? Is this what you learned in the alcove? No, no. Or were they

spray painting that on the wall? Say no to 69. I was hopping on top of them and going name what I'm doing now and they're like we don't know we don't want your anus

in our face what do you mean so we're okay we can go into this we can go into the actual thing of what you've said but how did you how have you learnt this

what's your sample size here we spoke about this last week on the show or a couple of weeks ago on the show 69's yeah 69 do people know what 69's are okay traditionally We spoke about this last week on the show, or a couple of weeks ago on the show. Yeah. 69s.

Yeah, 69. Do people know what 69s are? Okay. Traditionally, 69, everyone gets a fair amount of anus. Maybe the young kids aren't into that. Right. Well. I think arse eating is more popular than it's ever been. Right.

I think so. And why aren't they enjoying the joys of 69? Not only are you getting the visual stimulus. Yes. And some kind of pleasure of giving somebody else pleasure, but you're getting pleasure as well. Yeah. It rules, man. It's like a salad sandwich.

Is this carrot or beetroot or fucking – what am I eating, a multigrain? Pick up some mayo? Everything's just a delight. Jesus Christ. I want to say that. I'm not talking about the flavours you're eating. I'm just talking about the multiple levels of enjoyment.

That's it. You're not coming to my father's birthday now either after this. I'm not going to give him a 69. David Quirk, have you ever had a 69? Because that would include you having to give something back to someone. So have you ever done that? Someone told me that's not for me. I reckon you would start.

You used to do a six. I reckon you'd start a 69 and just shove the girl forward straight into reverse cowgirl and just facing away, staring at her anus and blow your load, push her off and run away. Lawrence did the action of his old person. That person was riding him. But I've included this. I reckon you're a real reverse cowgirl guy. Yeah, yep.

Because I am. It takes one to know one. It's like looking into a mirror, isn't it? It's like blazing sounds. My love life is a rodeo. I've even got the siren after eight seconds and then some clowns come in and tear the woman off me. Because it gets too intense, doesn't it?

And because you're blowing a lot of sawdust out of your dick as well. No, they just heard me back into a pen and take the strap off my balls. It's a grotesque image. I put a question. Really? I put a question into our group. Wait, is it in like Spain, would you call it the reverse matador? No, the matador?

No, the matador is something altogether different. Worth a shot. Yeah. That was good. I put a question. That's the way you've got your cock behind

a little blanket. Now I regret this. A red blanket. Yeah. And then someone runs straight into it. You walk the blanket away, head first into another head.

That's a matador. Right. See how angry matador. Right. See how angry you get. Don't gore yourself on my horn. Do you do that in the running of the balls? As a vegan, I'm against it. You run around your apartment chasing a naked woman and she can slap you on the cock with a newspaper.

Tell us about this alcove. I reckon you just put the intro in and just leave it. I'll just isolate the sound of the chewing peanuts and then that'll be it. That's all we can use. No, it's fine. Yeah, well, you've got to speak into the mic as well when you're doing that.

But anyway. Yeah, so I put a question into our Facebook group. I put a question in the Facebook group. To join our group it's got like little things that you need to know about our show to join into this private members only group and i put the question in what is 60 90 and i reckon 60 of people are going i'm sorry pass i don't know what it is wow i didn't i thought 60 90 is an absolutely universal term. I would have thought at least as Turek. To be fair, it was in the porno of the 70s and the 80s.

You would see it a lot in porno. You don't see it in porno anymore. You don't. You're right. You see Japanese women with pixelated genitals making keening noises to attract partners from far away. What sort of noises? Keening.

Keening, what does that mean? Is that keening? Like a beast keening. I've never heard that word before. Keening. It's a good word. Keen wiring. You're saying it's a gen what generation?

Do you think that that's people Honestly not knowing what it is Or being like Well I'm too embarrassed To sit here and like Type this out You know Well what it is

There's plenty of people That have been very detailed With the typing it as well What have you got What do we No I don't have it now But there were people going Do it like

Breaking it down Great Fucking biology Step by step Keening Keening To wail in grief For a dead person, to make an eerie wailing sound, an Irish funeral song accompanied by wailing in lamentation for the dead.

Nice. Amazing. Keening. Sexy stuff. Amazing news. Thank you, Larry. I think you've got the best lexicon I know. Thank you.

Strong imagery. That means dick, right? Who had that joke? First rule of Thesaurus Club is never to talk about, discuss, chat. I have no idea. That's good. I think we own that now. No, it was definitely an Australian comic.

I think it was Steady Eddie. No, probably not. Now that he's dead Is he dead? He's not dead Sorry We've got to get out there We've got to educate the youth

About 69 I think so It's a great pleasure We need to get a caravan And go around the schools Like those Did you ever have those The puppet giraffe

That would teach you about life The facts of life van Or whatever it was called No I never found out about life Right You would have had that quote. It was a drug bust then, wasn't it? Your beautiful body don't fuck it up and become a giraffe.

Bit like that, yeah. It's a metaphor. Don't take acid at Meredith and come back and think you've got a long neck covered in spots. Exactly, yeah. So we get in there and we teach the kids about 69ing. Right. About giving back. It's charitable. I could get into that. But you were saying the kids are really into eating ass. I think so. Yeah. It's charitable. I could get into that. Yeah. But you were saying

the kids are really into eating ass. I think so. When you say you think so. How many kids have eaten your ass? I appear to have perjured myself.

So. Right. These kids in the alcove. Perjuring yourself. These kids in the alcove were not eating ass from what I could see. Right.

But I walked past and they're I've obviously caught them in the middle of something. They're obviously very guilty. They're amidst something bad. And as I walked past, they, as their defence mechanism, as I walked past, and I'm going to have to act this out a little bit. Oh, here we go. So I'm going to have to describe it as well. He's standing up.

As I walked past, these three kids just sort of swing around towards me and get a bit shocked and then immediately start doing this with their spray cans, jerking it off like it's a dick at me. Yes, yes. Just going, yeah, yeah, like this at me. And I go – and I just look at them and laugh my head off. Great. And then they go – they stop from going violently

and then just start laughing whilst doing it and going, ha-ha, yeah, yeah. I reckon it's a good response. It is. It's great. It's very primal. Do you think that they thought that maybe you wouldn't be into it? Yes.

Right. So your response shocked them. Yes. Because you'd be up there as one of the oldest men they've ever seen. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. So, no, they were very shocked.

What you should have done was just pulled your pants down and started wanking. Yeah, yeah. Said, I don't know this, but I can. And then the cops come in, your defence being like, they were pretending to wank at me, so I had to naturally, I had to teach them a lesson by actually wanking. I thought they're getting it wrong. Yeah.

If the cops arrive and they see that, you know, in silhouette, they just fucking unload on the... The kids are long gone. Chandler's still just there jerking off by himself. The cops are like, that's fine, just pulling it out. But forcing them to chrome with what came out of your dick was the thing that we had to pull you up on. And having a bit of it around your lips.

Yeah. If someone was wanking in a park, what would they be charged with? Well, indecent exposure. Offensive behaviour, indecent exposure, maybe sexual assault. They'd be having an indecent obsession. What about if you were just wanking on your own in a park? Carl looked at me. He liked that one.

And the cops roll up and see you, apropos of nothing, they're on the beat. No pun intended. Police beat, yeah. And they see you wanking. It's like, is that a crime? I think this park near me, near where I'm living now, is a late night jerk-off hotspot. I keep walking through the park on the way to gigs and like, guys just constantly just coming out of the bushes. What, By themselves? Yeah, by themselves.

Is that a thing? Yeah, I guess so. I knew it's like, you know, you want to get your rocks off with someone else in public. I didn't know people like jerking off in public in parks as well. Yeah, a couple of times now. Someone like just ahead of me. And then it's like they are like, as I come around the corner, they're a bit like, you know, they're clearly, oh fuck, I've been caught here.

Is this guy cool or is he a narc? And then sort of having to put on a bit of performance of like yeah everything's as normal here just you know just doing what you do

hanging out in this bush at 10pm at night right and this is a bit from way back but the guy who's jerking off he's of no danger

he's taking the bullets out the gun and getting rid of the firing pin and as he ejaculates he's also got that moment of clarity where he's the most intelligent person in the world. You know, I'm trying to go, what's the next step forward for humanity? It's hard to take him serious because there's jizz all over his Dunlop volleys.

I know, I'm sorry. You can get that window though, right? Can I cheat and do one bit of someone else's? That's like the great Norm Macdonald bit where paraphrasing he goes, you know, how good is porn? Like porn is so great until at one point suddenly it's not that interesting anymore I reckon. All of a sudden I don't – it's not that good.

And then I'm disgusted and I want to erase my history. I'm like, why is there porn? It should be outlawed. We'll put that on. You can get done for like public indecency or like you know

flashing if you get caught pissing in a park if you get a cop on a bad day my friend got like a fine for having his

technically because he's got his dick out in a public place he's having a piss on a tree is it? no you can

because you're sexually you're exposing yourself. And you can say that kids have been around there before and stuff like that. Yeah. I do it when it's not even necessary. Like, really? Yeah, if there's a toilet just over there, I'll just go, oh, well, this is even closer. Because you're a country boy.

I'm a little bit like that as well. Are you? Yeah. Maryborough? Where are you from? I thought I was going to cop a lot of shit from Chandler. But look, I've got a comrade. Yeah.

You're the same. I've got a country urinating comrade. Yeah, you're from a lot of shit from Chandler. But look, I've got a comrade. You're the same. I've got a country urinating comrade. You're from Bright. I'm from Maryborough. They're not so different. Right. I'm from Bright. Did you not know that, Lone?

No. You know everything about me except that. I thought you were a suburban kid. No. Bright is a beautiful place. I am a suburban kid now. You're down the river. You're a river boy.

I'm a river. I'm ski slopes. You're not suburban now. You live in fucking the middle of the CBD. Oh, that's not. That's urban. Sorry. You're a river boy I'm a river I'm ski slopes You're not suburban now You live in fucking The middle of the CBD Oh that's not That's urban Sorry Yeah

You're very urban When I look at you I think urban I'm like urban grooves At JB Hi-Fi Yeah Which is the hip hop section Yeah

Bit of chill Bit of upbeat Who knows Come on down But yeah Are you Do you Does your partner

Have a problem with it I don't announce it When I'm about to do it. So I don't, yeah, she wouldn't know. My daughter does, my five-year-old. If she's busting for a pee, for a piss. Call it what it is. Whatever. But if she's got pants on.

Don't say anything disgusting on the podcast. So you pull the pants down to the undies and then pick her up in a swing situation and just at about a 45-degree angle. That's awesome. What? So you pick her up so she doesn't piss all over you or her pants and kind of swing her forward into a 45-degree angle.

You're using her as a hose or something. Is that what's happening? I'm trying to use an analogy. I'm breaking the drought in Western New South Wales. I'll tell you my five-year-old to piss on the crops.

If she wants to piss and we're out and there's no toilet around. Right, right. Yeah, yeah, he's not an animal. I'm not yet

getting her to douse the driveway. Why would you even think that and all the other things you're thinking too?

Yeah, my friend were more like Are you still doing comedy? I have been doing gigs lately, just lately. He's back. Because sometimes and I wasn't being facetious

you fade out of the scene and then you come back. And then he gets on Facebook and he'll make a big statement and go I'm retiring from comedy waiting for some response waiting for all the

throws of people to be like I'm back. No one does that. I don't expect that. That's your next big special flannelette. waiting for some response, waiting for all the throes of people to be like, come back, Quirk. No one does that. I don't expect that. That's your next big special, Flannelette. That's good. I'm really jealous that she publicly announced she was quitting

and now I'm even more jealous. Oh, Flannelette. I like it. Yeah, thank you. I thought that deserved a lot more. I didn't get it. No, they're nice ones. Flannelette's tome is referring to Nanette, the special by Hannah Gadsby.

So Hannah Gadsby goes out and says, I'm quitting comedy. Here's this little show. It goes crazy. Quirk says, I'm quitting comedy. Everyone says, who gives a fuck? Who cares? Then he crawls back and says, I'm back. And everyone says, we didn't know you were gone.

And who gives a fuck? No, no, I did seriously think about just giving it a big old rest, a big wide birth. I could see why, because there's all those other things you could be doing that you're good at. I can't get booked at some of the rooms in Melbourne. It's tricky.

One on Saturday night, Thursdays, Mondays. I've got gigs on those. There's a few gigs. Have you ever headlined at the Comics Lounge? No, no. You're only paying a third rent currently in your apartment. This would be a way for you to get it down even lower. He doesn't even headline at his own comedy festival shows.

How is he going to do that? I get another guy to close out the show for me and my shows, yeah. I've been a great supporter of your shows over the years and enjoyed them thoroughly. Thanks, Lawrence. Very funny. Thanks, but no, I'm... You're a unique voice.

Yeah. We're all sad you're gone. All right, shut up. I am doing gigs again. It's nice, actually. But I had a big, almost three months of not, which is not that long, is it? Because it's the ploughing season, right?

Yeah, I had to. You knock off at the end of April. I had to sow. I had to sow the seeds until the beginning of September. Once you're out of money and some girl you're living with goes, can you pay rent? You go, oh, no. Carl, can you put me on Monday night?

Yeah, yeah. there's not enough money in it it's been winter so what's your percentage that you pay of rent I want to get to the bottom of this

what's the ratio so does she own the place I asked her just the other day no she's renting we're renting are you charging

her for sex because you could have a gigolo relationship I pay rent now you pay rent a gigolo relationship I pay rent Now you pay rent No That's a bad relationship

You know just quickly as a side note You notice how there's like that thing of like You know prostitute is the incorrect term We can't use that anymore The correct term is sex worker No one's saying the same thing about gigolo Because gigolo is just a fucking great word Like no one is ever going to go

Do not call me that The best word in the English language Gigolo is just a fucking great word. Like no one is ever going to go, do not call me that. The best word in the English language. Gigolo. Yeah. You don't use gigolo as a diminutive, do you? Or some derogatory term. You lazy gigolo. You stupid gigolo.

I think great to go. I went down to the brothel, got a female gigolo for the night. It's good stuff. What would you call? A gigolette. What would you demand you be called instead of gigolo? So, a juggalo. Juggalo.

That was for Carl Chandler as well, that line. That's not from me. Juggalo. The female version of gigolo is juggalo. Juggalo. That's good. That is good. That's good.

Come on. Come on, get with it, guys. Get with it. Right. I'm on fire. Back to grilling you about your living situation where you are not chipping financially. So, I don't know the percentage Come on, get with it, guys. Get with it. I'm on fire. Back to grilling you about your living situation where you are not chipping financially. So I don't know the percentage, and I reckon I've asked her.

I won't say her name because I feel like- Who was Zeus Bigelow? Male Gigolo. That was a good film. Yeah. It was Rob Schneider. Rob Schneider? He's an anti-vaxxer.

Is he? What a fucking imbo. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give your children vaccinations. I saw a good thing in the news. It doesn't cause autism. Anyway, it doesn't matter.

So, what do you reckon? 10%? Honestly, I don't know. No, wait. I could work it out. Yeah, work it out. 25%. 25%?

You pay a quarter rent. I just moved in. She'd been there for a year. I moved in. Oh, that's the rule. If you only just move in, you don't have to pay anything. Have you heard of, of like a sliding scale

yeah that's a pro right up payment I actually don't know I can't believe this is worse than the time I was living

in a yeah you found a way garage I don't know why you would ever say yes to a podcast with these two guys I don't know why

and me I didn't know he left that out but now I'm glad you're here actually so do you think do you feel do you feel like a full man

having not paid like proper rent do you feel what do you pay half yeah like a gentleman yeah

probably a bit more why not no I'm stumped yeah because you moved in together at once yeah it doesn't matter

the big rule I need to get more money I've been very poor it doesn't matter it doesn't matter. The big rule. I need to get more money. I've been very poor. It doesn't matter when your life started. You fucking pay rent. I was born in 1973 and she's fucking 1981.

That's how it is. It's a discount. It's a discount by 12. When I first moved out of home when I was 18, I only had to pay 5% rent because, you know,

I'm still young. You hadn't even started. There's a logic to it. I only paid 10% of what I'm meant to here because% rent because, you know, I'm still young. You hadn't even started. There's a logic to it. I only paid 10% of what I'm meant to here because there's only one of me. That's not fair. That's true. You're getting ripped off. I'm actually getting in a 90-year-old border just so he has to pay the majority of it.

You can do that. That's what I'm working with. His name is Juice Buggalo. Male Gogolo. No, it's just a... How old do you reckon he is? I would probably have to pay... It's also her place.

It's literally her place. It's all furnished. If I started... Let's go 50-50. It's all pink and shit. So you're fining her. She's got her pictures up in her seat. You're fining her for having her own furniture there.

It's like your place is nice. I don't want that. Right. And I'm going to deduct. I want to pay less. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good. I ask you an important question.

Are you in love? Yes. Oh. That's nice. How long have you been together? With her? No, with himself. Yeah, I was going to say.

With having more money in your account than you should. How does she feel about this? Does she want the balance to be shifted back further in her favour? Did she suggest this percentage or did you? My God. He's off quirk, I reckon. No, no, no. He's nearby suicide watch, I reckon.

I like what you're saying. He didn't seem to go into a brown study. But there's also a logic to it and whether you agree with it or not, there's a logic to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like what you're saying. He's not going to a Brown study. But there's also, there's a logic to it and whether you agree with it or not, there's a logic to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm listening. She is on very, very high amounts of money. Oh, really?

And I am not. Now that I didn't know. I didn't know that. Well, what the, you think she's a fucking stand-up comedian that gets paid exactly what I get paid? She's a stand-up comedian. What does your wife do?

She's doing well and I am just, you know, the way I earn, I'm not clever enough To have had a podcast It just thrives From far away

So she's doing She's doing well You're in the arts You guys are cleaning up On the podcast right Yeah Tommy just nominated Steve Jobs and Bill Gates

Over here So she's doing well You're in the arts So you're like her orangutan Yeah She's just like You Are you

I'm actually doing okay do you take the i'm about to do an ad tomorrow for what it's worth oh what is it worth terrible stuff what gambling some sort of uh ironically real estate related a killing monkey machine or something a real estate right what are you doing in it? No ethical problem. I don't love it. People got to live somewhere. Some houses are made of meat. It's not cool. Yeah. I'm advertising houses made of meat.

It's a new thing. It's sustainable. Granny flats made of beef. Yeah. Not cool, man. Welcome to the new Cloaca chicken anus housing estate. This is just bargainsville. That's it.'s it, Lach

Did you audition as well? Is this just you in the ad? No I actually did the audition With Ben Knight Do you ever have him on here? No We haven't before

From ABC Foreign correspondent No, no, no No, different Comic Young comic, excellent Ben Knight Reporting from Egypt

On the fall of the Marabak government. Hey, you and I, we did the audition. Right. So you're finally going to bring some money home. Some money. I'll pay more rent. There you go.

You heard it first. For one month. One month. And then you'll be back. Pay the full amount. What does your wife do? She earns a lot of money. Did she cast you in this ad?

What does she do? She's in real estate. She's in branding, it's called. Oh. Like riding out there, mustering the cattle, getting the hot iron in the fire. We are, don't we? Carver, little reverse cowgirl. Now you pay your 25% rent and get your coffee over here.

Plow me good, mister. It's not a convenient location being in Flinders Lane for her work. Long commute. There's plenty of water. Isn't there a paddock down in Exhibition Street or something that she could rustle some cattle there? I don't know. Good improv.

Nice. Good. I don't want to talk about it. Trusting, risking and allowing everyone to just shake it out. Okay. Let's have a break. Right. So she's high up.

She's in a reputable job. I imagine it'd be like you and Diane probably. You and... Yeah, you've been living off Diane's coin for a long time. You and your wife. I wish. She's always had a good job. And when I first went into comedy, I'm earning nothing.

I'm like... As a matter of fact... Are we going to do anything? Are we going to do any... You know, allocating earning nothing I'm like as a matter of fact are we going to do anything are we going to do any you know allocating

you know the funds any different as a matter of fact arseholes if I could be so please

arseholes I feel included have some of those laws I've had enough I feel like I've got anaphylaxis they're not okay

are they they're cheap too much I literally if we're all arseholes I feel like the youth of today is going to start trying to eat us

like Lawrence Mooney, I own land now. Oh, nice. Oh, you bought land? Land and house. Really? I did not buy. I bloody ended up with it.

Inherited. Through dark circumstances. Oh, because your mum died. Of dad, more recently. Oh, right. So you're an orphan. I'm a bloody orphan. Is this the first orphan you've had on the podcast?

I think it might be. We had Annie from the musical. Won't be the last, I'll tell you that. So your financial plan was to outlive my parents and just fucking slide into home. My point is we don't need to talk about all that, but what I want you to know is how wealthy was your dad? Have you got a sibling?

No, it was just a bit of old school. Have you got any siblings? Who? I've got to share it up with those. How many? Cats. You remind me of my eldest brother actually, Lawrence. All right. Yeah. Played for... me of my eldest brother, actually, Lawrence. All right.

Yeah. Played for... Aggressive. What about your... Aggressive, plowable. He's the number one draft pick. The high draft pick. Is that...

That's a true thing. Yeah, sad story. Do you know that David Quirk's brother got... Was a top 10 draft pick. Yeah, 1988. And then never played a game. 88. Never played a game.

In the AFL. What was his name? In the VFL. Michael Quirk. Listen to this, though. Funny thing. And how many... So name? In the VFL. Michael Quirk. Listen to this, though. Funny thing. And how many, so how many Quirks? Michael Quirk, David Quirk.

Antoine Ant, aka Tony Quirk and Claire Quirk. Tony Quirk. Four of us. Antoine Ant is Tony and Claire. Two boys, two girls. That's right. Yeah, yeah. But my brother, according to a reviewer, there's a thing that comes out in the age Every year I think

Or every few years Where they talk about Top draft picks of that year Whatever year it is In Australian rules football AFL Like NFL In Turek

Sorry It's not as good It just was a brilliantly written thing Where it says Michael Quirk was top draft pick for this year and an impressive player, then drifted into astonishing obscurity, which is great, because I know exactly what he got up to. Yeah, pulling cones and ploughing.

And chroming, yeah. So who drafted him? Chroming down by the alcove. Sydney Swans, wasn't it, or South Melbourne? One of them. St Kilda. Oh, St Kve. Sydney Swans, wasn't it? Or South Melbourne? One of them. St Kilda. Oh, St Kilda. My point is, arseholes.

Yes. Is I've got this land and I offered it to Gemma. I said, because she wants to, we would like to buy this place. She would like to buy it. Should I speak? When you say land, just a block of land or a land and a house? It's a land and a nice house. There's a dwelling there.

There's a dwelling. That's where I grew up. I indeed grew up there. There's a dwelling. That's where I indeed grew up. Is this your childhood home? Childhood home. So you bought the other three parties out or they've just gifted the two? I'd like to do a tour, actually, a dum-dum tour.

We'll go there. Have you still got your posters up in your bedroom? A lot of my CDs are there. Who have you got up on the wall? So what suburb are you talking about here? This is bright. The suburb of Port Punker, northeast Victoria. Port Punker.

So what's that worth? About 150 grand. They were saying if we subdivide. Do you want to just talk? Yeah. You'll probably find this out tomorrow on your real estate ad. You can find out the value of it. I might have a talk to them.

Say, hey, don't pay me. Give me some advice. We're talking subdividing land into a bit of suburb yeah what do you think about that Lars do you know about that

so you would live out in the country is that what you're trying to say I want to build a little thing you know what I'm getting into

the tiny house movement which I realise people only get into that if they've lost someone if you look up any of the docos always dead people

tell us what the tiny house syndrome is you know what tiny house is Tell us what the tiny house syndrome is. You know what a tiny house is? No. It's a small house. Yeah. I figured that

but is there anything more to it than that? It's in the name. It is in the name. It's a new movement. So a movement is just making smaller houses than before.

Is that what you're saying? Hey, I'm with you, man. I'm in one right now. Yeah, you're in a tiny house. This would be the equivalent of a tiny house. Yeah, yeah. This might be a bit big. The equivalent of a tiny house. It's a tiny house. This would be the equivalent of a tiny house. Yeah, yeah. This might be a bit big.

It's a tiny house. The bedroom can see the front door and in between is a laundry, kitchen and lounge room. Yeah. In the one boxy. It's compact. And if you're on your bed and you stretch out with your hands and feet, you can touch all the walls. J.R. Ewing, we don't all have plantations we can look out onto, all right? The rest of us have to live like this.

Oil fields to the west and... Over there is where my granddaddy first rolled up and killed all the Indigenous people around here. Oh, God. Over there. That is exactly what happens. Don't fucking cut that out. My granddaddy didn't. So, I'm getting so sidetracked. He was a grain sampler. There's too what happens. Don't fucking cut that out. My granddaddy didn't.

So, I'm getting so sidetracked. He was a grain sampler in Liverpool. There's too many themes. I'm going to buy a lot of garages. So, you're going to make a tiny house on the... Sheds, mate. You're going to subdivide the land. Yeah, but that's not the thing.

My point is, I could... There's two paddocks. There's three, if you count the one the house was on. Yep. We can. There's four children. We could subdivide it into four. Right.

And then, so split it four ways. Name each street after a trial. And I said, I will put that money, lady, friend, lover, wife, to help you buy these planes. But she wasn't interested. So there you go. I'm trying. I've got assets.

Next time I see you, next time I have you on the podcast in the next two years. What I'm saying is that your partner, who lives in a very sweet location in inner city Melbourne, who works high up in branding, doesn't want to go and live in bumfuck nowhere in a fucking public toilet. No, I would sell. I would sell. On a street named after your sister.

Hello, Tony, if you're listening. Harsh but fair. Yeah. Harsh but fair. No, no. She, fuck, no. I listening. Harsh but fair. Yeah. Harsh but fair. No, no. She, fuck, no. I said I'd give her the money. I would use my acquisition to help her acquire a place in Melbourne.

How long is your, I'll acquire the place in the CBD. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Use it as an asset. Put it up against it. Is that what the term is? Mate, you'll find out tomorrow. Put it up against something?

I don't know what you mean. Yeah, are you running lines on us right now? Is this, are you rehearsing? Borrow against it. I wish I was dead. what you mean. Are you running lines on us right now? Are you rehearsing? Borrow against it. I wish I was dead. Don't worry, you won't have to wait long. Thanks, man. You keep skateboarding drunk down the street.

I just want to keel. Keen? I want a keen. Keen. Have you ever owned a vehicle that burns fossil fuel? No Yes, a motorbike David Quirk is a recent probationary licence

Not even probe, babe Full licence I'm standing up We give you full licence Look at this Have you a full licence? I actually went from zero to two licences You don't have a wallet

You're just pulling cards Out of your pocket Pulling cards out of A pair of old school pants Motorbike and car licence What was that? Pulling things out of A pair of old school pants

That belong to a year 10 student I found them in a salvos So David Quirk No middle name No fixed abode Has a full license here. I didn't know you had your P's. No, it's fine.

I never had my P's. How do you go from zero to 100? Yeah. Because I think being 37 years old and also having a full motorbike license in the past that is expired, I just sat the test and they give you a full license. February 1981. Yeah. Won the same year as my wife.

Is that right? Don't get any ideas. Lawrence. Well. What sort of ideas would Oh well I fucked someone in this one so I might as well

fuck all of them. Because I'm married to a woman that was born in 1981 all people who were born in that year are my property. That's the thing

you were most attracted to about her the year she was born. Is that the same woman that I thought Good vintage. No. Remember that weird

thing about a decade ago, Lawrence, when I thought you were sleeping with Harley Breen's ex-partner? Do you remember this? Fucking hell. That does sound like a weird thing. Anyway. I remember that. Yeah, yeah.

You were so wrong. I was so wrong and I was just like, I couldn't get my head around it. Anyway. You couldn't get your head around the possibility of you ever being wrong. Is that what you're saying? No, no, no.

Just I was so sure that this particular person was Lawrence Mooney's partner. Right. And when I saw Harley kissing her, you can imagine it was really weird and Lawrence was just

on the other side of the room and I'm like, anyway, it's clearly my own mania. Okay, 81. I'm born in 81 so I've got a lot. Is it a prime number?

Oh, what's nine Nine nines is 81? Correct Yeah So yes Or three times 27 Right

Whatever Choose your own It's a good new segment This is a good new segment To close off the potty with Are we closing? Is this a prime number? I reckon this is one of the worst

Podcasts I've ever been partied to No This is great Is it being good? You've been good Yeah I thought that about the last one we did from my point

of view but at least I never listen because I just live in fear of what this stuff is no this is good

you don't have a recovering alcoholic to bully on this one but you've got the next best thing is that why that podcast

is so good I didn't listen alright I think we've got to wrap this up for another week on the little dum-dum club

David Quirk and Lawrence Mooney thank you so much for joining us never bring nuts I didn't listen. All right, I think we've got to wrap this up for another week on the Little Dumb Dumb Club. David Quirk and Lawrence Mooney, thank you so much for joining us. Never bring nuts again. Sorry. If you were listening to that chewing by Lawrence, more than me, I reckon. There's no disrespect. Quirk, what have you got coming up? Big comeback tour.

He's back. I'm about to do a play. David Quirk's 71 comeback special. Play is a really great way to bust way into the industry. Yeah, yeah. I saw it as a big cash cow. All the TV networks and radio stations. I want you to know. What's the next play we should go and see?

Yeah, yeah. Theatre's big now. Yeah. Isn't it? A power big theatre. Three different women. It's me and a girl. It's a good way.

Surprise, surprise. Do you know what? Romeo and Juliet are the new Triple M breakfast hosts, so, you know, plays are the way to get spotted. Anyway, that's what I'm doing. Go ahead. I'm not going to tell you where or why. Good point, Ben.

Great plug. Lawrence Mooney, what have you got? You've got some dates coming up. I'm bringing An Evening with Malcolm Turnbull back on the road after the festival season. Great. It's over. That little hiatus we back on the road after the festival season great it's over that little

hiatus we have in the middle of the year check out the dates on lawrencemooney.com what cities what cities Turok Sydney

Brisbane Melbourne Adelaide Perth Turok's going to be in there Bright Wollongong Newcastle I think

Maryborough Maryborough Coast of Bright Paul Punker everywhere Morocco nice alright guys Bright. Wollongong. Newcastle, I think. Maryborough. Maryborough. Coast of Bright. Paul Punker. Everywhere. Morocco. Nice.

All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mate. Bye. They've done it again That's a fact I don't think anyone can deny that That's verified Yeah

That's got the blue tick on Twitter That was Yeah that's on Wikipedia Yeah That's got seven Verifications on there Personal life Has done it again

Yep Great episode I thought Of that Need one Was it weird? Yeah it was very weird. Oh, was it? You don't think, what, bullying someone about having no money

and them being very uncomfortable with it the whole time? Man, that's my dream. Yeah. I guess that's not weird for you. No. That's day to day. That's mainstream. That's the most, yeah, I'm surprised.

It's a bit vanilla. Yeah, I'm surprised you didn't find this episode boring. I do that stuff out in the street. I don't need to come in here and do it as well. But no, good times. The Moon Man back on the pod. It's been a little while. Back on the source, dare I say.

Oh, you dare. Yeah. No, fun times. Yeah. No, I thought that was really funny. Always fun. Always fun dancing around with David Quirk. Just backing him into a corner and making him explain his way out.

Very fun. Yeah, making him very awkward because I don't think he possesses the tools to fight his way back. He tries, though. He gives it a fucking red hot go. Great. I love making fun of my friends. Yeah, very fun.

Good times. Good to have Moon back and Quirk back after a little bit of a gap, I think. Yeah, totally. Very fun episode. Like you said at the top, we've got these live shows coming up. Brisbane in a big venue that is selling very well. We don't have to worry about that. Just get your skates on.

All I'm worried about up there is people missing out and complaining after it is sold out. So I don't have to badger people into buying tickets. They will be bored. Yeah. Just if you want to go, make sure you have to badger people into buying tickets. They will be bought. Just if you want to go, make sure you're one of the people that are there. Yeah, do it. That'll be fun. I think we're both staying overnight after that. So we stick around for a drink afterwards?

Yeah. Yeah, I bought my hotel yesterday. Yeah, good. I bought a hotel. You bought – can I stay there in one of the rooms? Yeah, let's see. I think you and I and at least one guest are staying in the same hotel that night, I think. I'm not staying in the hotel you sent me.

I found one for cheaper. I found one of those. You know when you go on like a whatever, a booking.com and there's the price but it's like it's on fire. You know what I mean? It's like they're like, I'm a sucker for that. I get that parent where they're like, listen, you fucking idiot. If you don't book this in 10 seconds, you'll never live it down.

You'll regret it for the rest of your days. How much did you get it for? I got a place for like $100 a night. It's like a nice hotel. Well, the place I sent you there was like $105 or something. It was like $150 when I looked. Really? Yeah.

I got it for $105. This is so boring. No, this I looked. Really? Yeah. I got it for $105. This is so boring. No, this is good. This is great. I only want to talk about this. Get rid of the rest of the episode and just let's talk about, let's compare deals for now. I fucking love those sites.

I love hotel sites. I love fucking trudging through all of that stuff. I hate it. Oh, the best. It fills me with indecision. There's so much stuff. I'm like a kid in a candy store. Yeah, that's why I hate it. It's the indecision of like. Oh, I love it. Oh, the best. It fills me with indecision. There's so much stuff. I'm like a kid in a candy store. Yeah, that's why I hate it.

It's the indecision of like – Oh, I love it. I don't know. Like booking a comm is just like the fear that you're going to get a dud. Like there's nothing worse than like an Airbnb or whatever walking through the front door and going, oh, fuck, I've got to live here for a week. Yeah. This sucks.

Yeah. I just love looking at all – giving myself a big bunch of options that are all good and just going, oh, I'm paralyzed. These are all fucking four and a half stars. This is awesome. Right. But, yeah, so, all right, well, you're not going to be there. It'll be me and another guest being super cool.

I'm like right nearby. I'm around the corner. Oh, that's good. I might just crash on your floor if that's cool. Nice. And Perth as well. Are you getting the red eye afterwards? Are you going to stay on the Sunday night? God, no. Sunday night stay? Never doing the red eye afterwards? Are you going to stay on the Sunday night?

God, no. Sunday night stay? Never doing the red eye again. Yeah. I'll stay on the Sunday, yeah. This is my plan, I think. So we do the show on Sunday afternoon, turning into night. I think I'm going to – so what I should say, I guess,

is I think I'm going to go to Asia or something afterwards from Perth because it's pretty easy. It's not a big flight. But I should clear this up guess, is I think I'm going to go to Asia or something afterwards from Perth because it's pretty easy. It's not a big flight. But I should clear this up from a couple of episodes ago. I've had quite a few messages. When we talked about – with Michelle Laurie and Harley Breen about where I was going to go, you were about to take off to Japan and I was trying to decide where I was going to fly out that night or the next day.

Yeah. Just so everyone knows, what happened was I could not find someone to fill my shift at work, which I mentioned at the end. That was going to be the trouble. At the very, very, very last second, I found someone to fill my shift at work. And so I rang up my wife and said, I'm all good. Book those super cheap fares for me. I'm going to go somewhere.

And she said, I've just landed on my holiday and I didn't bring my work computer. You aren't going anywhere. So I didn't get to fucking go anywhere. Yeah. So anyway, that's what happened. That was the end of all that. So the plan is to now do that little mini break after Perth. Yeah.

Hopefully. Yeah. So just a bit of housekeeping there. And obviously we'll spend the Perth live show deciding where I go that night. That'll be good. We can spin a big wheel. I was looking at maybe going somewhere, and maybe a listener can shed some light on this.

I've shown you this. Yeah. It's like for whatever weird reason, there are no flights available out of Perth on that weekend. Yeah. The whole week, if you go on Jetstar, if you go on any destination, and I was looking up places just out of interest that I don't even want to go to yeah like fiji and shit you can't get anything yeah i don't know for the whole week i don't know what's going on yeah i did have a look because you

told me that i was like this is doesn't sound right i had a look yeah you're right anyway bangkok it's bizarre i guess did they just have like a huge sale recently but like no flights on any of the like no flights at all. But you'd have to go Qantas or something like that. Yeah. Yeah. And I did look that up and it's just like, well, then you just, I may as well just go from here.

Like I'm not saving any money by going from Perth. So what's the point? Right. Okay. Fair enough. What else? Anything else? What a couple of international playboys, by the way.

Yeah. Well, a failed international playboy for me. I mean, I stayed here. I had to sit here all weekend and not be international. You'd been away for three weeks? Did you go to Japan for three weeks? No, it was just over two. It was like 17 days or something all up.

Right, right. Fuck, that's a long time to be overseas for Travelling around isn't it Yeah it was the longest Is it expensive Japan's pretty cheap Right Yeah So it was fine

And we were staying In a lot of Airbnbs And paying not much So we did I mean we did a lot of Like activities Like we did a lot of stuff That cost

Like we went to Disney World We went Disneyland sorry We went to A music festival. So we did things that cost a bit. But then your day-to-day expenses are pretty cheap. Right.

Okay. Yeah. All right. Let's get into, we're all aware of all the live shows that are around the country at the moment. And who knows if we've got more coming up. Maybe we're going to confirm some more soon. There's some gears turning.

There's some discussions. Let's just say there's a few pies out there getting very fingered right now. Oh, yeah. These two good little boys. And we're also thinking about going to other places. What? Oh, yes. We're fingering pies, but we're also...

On potential foreign soil. Yeah, maybe. We'll see. We're fingering pies. On potential foreign soil. Yeah, maybe. We'll see. We'll see what happens. All right. So, like we said, like you said at the start of the show, we keep the motor running on this little mobile home of a podcast by getting Patreon subscriptions from you fine fellows out there

that listen to the show, that want to chip in that want to chip in selflessly or selfishly by getting all the bonus stuff that you get when you subscribe to this thing it's a rare model

where we get money and we use that money to keep ourselves clothed and fed yeah it's pretty groundbreaking we call it a business yeah

so thank you for being shareholders in this in this business enterprise yeah yeah fuck what are we going to go public fuck what a fucking Yeah. So thank you for being shareholders in this business. Enterprise, yeah. Yeah. What are we going to go public? What a fucking weird business. Yeah.

So thank you. Thank you to – we're very thankful to everyone that chips in every week. Of course. In particular, we like to highlight some of those people. Give them their moment in the sun. Yeah. No, totally. Make them feel part of the show by reading out their name very respectfully and, you know, like talking a bit about like what they might be as people or…

Yeah, and then occasionally a bit of free association, you know, where something about the name reminds us of something from our own lives. Yeah, that's a good way of summing it up. Yeah. And, of course, to keep it all regulated and above board, we have a device called the Unplanned Title Alternator, which keeps us honest, makes sure that never do we ever read out someone's name twice. Yeah.

We used to have the random name generator, but what happened? I can't even remember what happened with that. I think there was just too much problem. There was faults in the system. So we had changed, we swapped brands. It wasn't our fault. It was obviously the machinery. Yeah.

So we're all about the UTA these days. And we're doing things differently as well. Like we used to always, with the random name generator, I should say, we used to read out five names all the time. So now we've changed things up a bit and we do things differently now. So this week, I say, I think you had a choice last week. You did. Yeah, I did and I picked five.

Did you? Yeah. Right. Okay. Well, I will pick something different. I'll pick five. Okay. That's good that you've chosen it because I did five last week and you've chosen to do something different to that.

It would be boring if we just did the same thing every week. I can't imagine why anyone would want to listen to that. It's so boring. Yeah. Variety is the spice of life. Yeah. It's like different numbers every week. It's like going on a holiday.

Yeah. But see, I mean, I picked five and you picked five and we're different and that's what makes this interesting to listen to. You know, the fact that we're – I mean, I picked five and you picked five and we're different and that's what makes this interesting to listen to. You know, the fact that we're – I mean, we see things completely differently. Is this interesting? It's better than comparing hotel prices. No, I would do that. I would do that for a podcast.

Easy. I would do sitting on fucking hotels.com sitting on expedia.com.au i would sit on that and do a and you be on one laptop and me be on the other and we talk about hotels that we're looking at okay for a podcast let's do that for a patreon episode let's do the next patreon episode let's just compare prices of things all right all right let's actually do it let's's do it. That's good. Let's do it for Koh Samui Resorts. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. And what's the outcome? It has to be like whoever can find like what the best do. Is there an outcome or we just literally

sit for half an hour and talk about deals that we're looking at? Yeah. Okay. I think so. If we can somehow find a resolution

by the end of it. Sure. Okay. Well, let's do it. Guys, here you go. Here's your motivation to see if you're not already signed up. This is the kind of thing you could be listening to next

month. We're really pushing the boundaries. No one else has done that. We're pushing the boundaries when we should push ourselves off a cliff. All right. I've hit the big red button. Oh, yes. Here we go.

Number one of, let me check, five. We're doing five. So, better do one fifth of the names. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. Oh, God. Everyone's feeling a bit nervous at home at the moment. Is it going to be your time in the second? Will I be the first or the second?

Maybe I'll be the fifth name that gets read out. Maybe I'll be the sixth. No, wrong. Incorrect. That can't happen. This week at least. Maybe I, a real person, will be the fifth name that they read out this week. Sure.

I mean, you could say that about any of the first, second, third, fourth as well. I could, but I just chose five for no particular reason. Very random thing to say. Thank you to Patreon subscriber, Russell Cooper. Oh, I thought you were going to say Russell Coyne. No. After all that build-up about this definitely being a real person. Fuck, that's a very weird build-up, but anyway.

Russell Cooper. Yeah, Coops. Coops. I'm a big fan of the last name Cooper. Hanging with Mr. Coops. Hanging out with my wallet open with Mr. Coops and him just pouring cash straight in. Yeah, loving it.

Russell. Rustling of bills. Oh, yep. That he said wedging into our respective pockets. That money was feeling cooped up in that wallet wasn't it? Russell. Rustling of bills. Oh, yep. That he said wedging into our respective pockets. Mm-hmm. That money was feeling cooped up in that wallet and it's time to fly, baby. Yep. Time to stick it up our coits.

Oh, no. That was the other one. Yeah. Russell. We're sort of selling him content because he's giving us money for it. Yep. Yep. Or she.

Yep. Cooper. Cooper. Copper. He could be giving us a lot of yep yep or she yep cooper copper that he could be selling giving us a lot of two cent coins that are adding up to a lot of 69 who knows yep yeah um oh god there must be is there at least one more in there oh let's go for one more um russ rc he's he's not that's his that's his initials but he's not very no fucking I don't know

I was just gonna go I was so desperate I was gonna just take the us out of Russell and go he's giving us

money there's a guy there's a guy in Mirabar that used to push trolleys along for a living that was called Russell and his nickname was Russell the love muscle

yeah that's great yeah that's real great his other nickname was koala bear because he kind of looks like a koala that's, that's great. Yeah. That's real great. His other nickname was Koala Bear because he kind of looks like a koala. That's good. It's great to find a human being

that you think could possibly look like a koala bear. People looking like any kind of animal is always good stuff. Yeah. Because they can never look that much like it. But it's very funny to find someone that's like, you look 2% like a koala. Yeah.

That'll do. I can force myself to see that. The Love Muscle is such a goodala. Yeah. That'll do. I can force myself to see that. The love muscle is such a good nickname. What? Yeah, yeah. It's Russell the Dick. What is a penis? Morgan the Organ.

Yeah. Is a penis, can you call that a muscle? It is, isn't it? Does a penis have a muscle in it? It is. I think, isn't it all muscle? Muscle? Well, yeah.

Otherwise, how does it work? Well, what is it otherwise? Because it's like when you've got a big in it? It is. I think, isn't it all muscle? Well, yeah. Otherwise, how does it work? Well, what is it otherwise? Because it's like when you get a big, fat, hard one, that's like, isn't that like flexing? Yeah. Have you never been erect? I don't know that term. Right.

Like when the dick gets, like it gets hard and it stands up, you know, it's like it goes up. Oh, does it go down? So I've never had. So you've never been flaccid no right right yeah that's why i didn't understand you were born erect yeah right yeah i mean i've just looked up what flaccid means just then because i didn't know yeah yeah right did you look at that did you look at the diagram and think what's wrong what's wrong with that poor man he's sick yeah he's ill wow so okay so some people have right unerect no like not not just some people like all of them all of them except

for you you're like the only person who has this affliction so how does that work do you look at something that is unappealing to you and you all of a sudden don't have an erect penis for like two minutes or something well no no like in most people it's the default is to not have one does it did it ever get weird when you went swimming at school and stuff and you would have this moment of un-erectness and people would see that and go, oh, what's up? Check it out. What's going on here?

So you've never had anyone question this before in your life. You're at the public pool just barred up and no one comments on it. I thought that was the norm. Yeah. No, but it's not. That's why I'm confused. Like you're, what, 42? Yeah.

And I'm the first person to ever tell you that it's not normal, that you're always erect. Yeah. And I spend six hours a day at the pool as well. So, yeah. No, it's never come up. Now I've just got questions on questions. What pool is this?

Because I want to come check it out. Hawthorne YMCA, come down. I'm walking around the pool most of the day. Wow, it really is fun to stay at the YMCA. Take it from this guy, he loves it. Thanks, Russell. Thanks, Russell. And a big shout out to all our female listeners.

All three of you. No, we've got heaps inexplicably. We do. We have a bizarre number of female listeners. As in more you. No, we've got heaps inexplicably. We do. We have a bizarre number of female listeners. As in more than one. Yeah, exactly. More than zero. Shout out to the girls who listen to this show.

Why? You know what I think it is? I think it's an insight into the fucking bizarre world of the male psyche. Do you know what I mean? I think it helps them to understand the men in their life. I think we're not threatening. I think we're just so stupid. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like, you know, I don't think anyone can think of us as like these, oh, check it out, these guys. It's just two fucking idiots. Two people that have no idea what they're doing in any capacity of their life. Non-threatening. Yeah. Yeah. All right.

Is that it? That's it. Hit us up, ladies, and let us know why you put up with this. Yeah. That's a great survey. I'd love. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Is that it? That's it. Hit us up, ladies, and let us know why you put up with this. Yeah. That's a great survey. I'd love. Yeah. I'd just love to get messages from girls.

I think we'll get a lot out of this. Yeah. What if we could put out a survey to female listeners just to go, why? What would you like to see more of? What would you like to see less of? We've talked in the past about doing a dum-dum census. Oh, yeah. Where we go, you know, where we put it out to all the listeners

and we kind of try and get, you know, we sort of work out what's going on out there. Yeah, yeah. Thank you to, thanks, Russell. Thanks, Love Muscle. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Bryce Stoddard. Stoddard, I recognise that name from the soap. Bryce Stoddard.

Yeah. What do you think? It's a very – it's a bit of an uppity name. There's a lot going on. It's like what you'd call if you were writing a sitcom and you wanted to – or like a kids' TV series and you wanted to have a character that's immediately identifiable as being very wealthy. You'd call them something like this.

Bryce Stoddard. You'd put the third on the end or something like that. Yeah. Are we being sponsored by someone from Downton Abbey? Is that what's happening here? Yes. That great the end or something like that. Yeah. Are we being sponsored by someone from Downton Abbey? Is that what's happening here? Yes. That great show, Downtown Abbey. Yeah.

What? Never mind. Right. Yeah. Bryce. That's a guy? Yes. Yeah.

It feels like someone – if we're being sponsored by someone in Australia called Bryce Stoddart, it feels like they should be from Adelaide. Yeah. Seems like an Adelaide name to me. Brass. Brass Stoddart. It feels like they should be from Adelaide. Yeah. Seems like an Adelaide name to me. Yeah, Brass. Brass Stoddard. How much are they subscribing? You know, I've got to look up how much they're chucking

into our coffers because with a name like that. You'd want to be doing well. Yeah. That'd be embarrassing to have that name and, you know, that'd be like if your name was Gold Bullion and then you're homeless. Yeah. Yes, exactly. I agree with you. Very, very embarrassing. Yes, exactly. I agree with you.

Very, very embarrassing. Yeah, yeah. I'd be disgusted in myself. What have you got? I'm trying to look it up. This UTA, it's fucking complicated stuff, especially when you close it down. A lot of submenus to go through to get to this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got it. Well, you've got it running one. So you're trying to alt – I can see you're trying to alt tab between windows and it's kind of – It's so sophisticated, this software, that sometimes even I, one of the great minds of our time, have trouble with it. Bryce Stoddard, come on.

Let's go, Bryce. How much – how much – It's not just some simple website that you can look up, folks. It's the UTA. It's a complicated piece of machine. It's not as easy as, for example, just, you know, logging into an account and checking the information that just readily was up in front of you mere moments ago.

No. It's way more complex. It's not like that at all. It'd be great if it was. Think how easy it would be. You've described a lot of things that it's not. Thank you. Bryce Toddard, $5 a month.

So it's kind of against everything we've said. Bryce, come on. You've got to up your game here. Come on. You've got to up the amount. Either that or change your name. Yeah, exactly. To fucking John fucking…

Penny Pincher McDumbcunt. Yeah. Meth Head McFuckoff. But regardless, thanks, Bryce. Yeah, thanks, Bryce. You fucking... Give us some of the stocks you own or something, for fuck's sake. Let's go on to number three.

Thanks, Bryce. After this one, we'll be over halfway through. Great. Feels good, doesn't it? I guess. Thank you to – well, this is an interesting one. Look, we get sponsored. We get sent money by several different individuals every month.

Yep. We've got like a sort of a company sort of a name here. Interesting. So check this out. Thank you to Patreon subscriber ACCC, the Australian Competition and Comedy Commission. That is who is signed up to Patreon. That's exactly what it says.

The ACCC. Yes. Okay. All of what I just said. Yeah. ACCC, Australian Competition and Comedy Commission. Yes. Okay. All of what I just said. Yeah. ACCC, Australian Competition and Comedy Commission. Commission. Yes.

Right. So competitions and comedy. Yeah. Right. That's a bizarre, that's like a, you know, a bizarre double up. Hey, you know, what's even more bizarre is that the person that's subscribing is using a Gmail account, but you know. So you think they'd be able to have at a triple c

dot com yeah you right you know it seems like it's not even that official but who am i to speculate well you know you can only work on you know what's what's given to you you know you don't want to turn into some like you know conspiracy theorist nut job sitting here going like oh it's not a real person and i'm here going look at this fucking idiot in his tinfoil hat, you know. So does that mean they – are they – Well, they're trying to get more, you know, they're trying to get more eyes on the ACCC. There must be a thing where they're not – not enough people know that they exist.

Right. So we're obviously not – this is not a sign that we're under – we're being studied by them or anything like that. Oh, right. Well, that would be a weird sign. Hey, it's not like the cops go, hey, we need to talk to you about this murder. But before we do that, here's 50 bucks. Yeah, it seems like a real conflict of interest.

Like if they're supposed to be the people keeping their eyes on comedy, but then they're giving us money. Is this a setup? Yeah, and by giving money to this bit of the show, which is in many ways the opposite of comedy. So, you know, they're just inspiring us to breach their own guidelines. Yeah, are we going to get brought down because of this? I'm a little bit worried about this.

But maybe that's where the competition part comes into it. Right. You know, we have one big here. Have we? Well, we're getting, what, $2.50 each out of this? Yeah, we are. We are getting $2.50 a month each out of the ACCC. Well, that's a great...

I mean, look, I'm happy to be a competition winner. You know, it all counts. It all adds up. $2.50. I have to say, I just bought a packet of M&Ms before. So that's what I got out of the ACCC this month. Very nice. Thank you.

Because I like M&Ms. $2.50. I went and bought a new battery for the remote for my car park here. Wow. So, you know, without the ACCC, I wouldn't be able to park my car. This is great. This is like, you know, when charities sort of ask for money and they go, with $5, we can build a well in this person's hometown.

And we're going, I got M&Ms. I got a battery for my fucking car park remote. Or it's like us having to release our book. You know what I mean? It's like people going, you've got to show where you've been spending this money. Yeah. Fuck. What if we did that?

What if we had to send out our spending to all the Patreon subscribers just to keep it above board? Just so people know we're not just spending it on cocaine every month. Yeah. It's like here's literally what we buy every day. We could spend it on cocaine. We just have to be honest about it with them. Would we want to be officially putting out a thing? We wouldn't be able to exactly show receipts or anything.

No, but we could do that. We could do an episode where we just go through the ledger. What an ep that would be. And we're trying to buy hotels at the same time. Great. Great. Let's push this. Let's just really push the boundaries of podcasting.

What people have never done and for good reason. Yes. Yeah, but you don't know. Maybe we do it and it's the best thing that's ever happened. You don't know until you try. One of those things like with all the true crime podcasts that are like flooding the market at the moment.

All of a sudden in six months, there's nothing but people on cocaine. On cocaine. Looking up hotels. Reading receipts and looking up hotels. Online. Well, thanks to the ACCC. Yeah, thanks ACCC. Thanks for keeping an eye out on comedy.

Thanks for doing God's work. Yeah. Thank you to Patreon subscriber, Rohan Gibbons. Giving an eye out on comedy. Thanks for doing God's work. Yeah. Thank you to Patreon subscriber, Rohan Gibbon. Wow. That's not where I thought that one was going to go. Oh, where did you think it was going to go? I don't know. Just not Gibbon.

Not Gibbon. Yeah. Gibbon. It's fair. It's not every day that we get sponsored by someone with a monkey-related surname. Yes. It's not every day at all. Now, that's a rough one. It's a rough onerelated surname. Yes. It's not everyday at all. Now, that's a rough one.

It's a rough one for him. Yeah. Yeah. He is a guy that is wanting to get married and going, I'll change my name to your name. Yeah. Margaret Ape. I think so.

Margaret Sperm Whale. Imagine being called Margaret Ape. That is a good name. That's a really good name. Margaret Ape. Oh, I've never wanted to write a book until now. Margaret Ape. So I can have a character in it called Margaret Ape.

Called Margaret Ape. Yeah. That's great. So, you know, Gibbon, in the monkey family, they'd be throwing shit at you. Well, this Gibbon, he's throwing money at us. There we go. Gibbon the circumstances.

Oh, nice. I'm appreciating the money that you're Gibbing us. Nice. Something with, what can you do with Rohan? Thanks for sticking your Rohan in your pocket. There we go. Pulling out some money, giving it to us. Yep.

We're going to be rowing our boat down a fucking river of money. A Scrooge McDuck's money pit. Yes. Yes. Yeah, nice. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, fuck given.

Those weren't good, but we got Margaret Ape out of it, so that makes up for it. It is a good one to hark back to the old concept of people getting their surnames from what they used to do. Cool. So someone used to be a monkey for a living? Is that what's happening here? Well, that's all of us, dude.

Oh, yeah. We should all just have the last nickname, the last surname, monkey. So that might be the first ever surname then. Yes. That's what back in the day when people were being professional monkeys and that was their name, we all came from that. Wow.

So we are related to Rohan Gibbon. Well, and the extension of that is my friend Johnny Sperm. Right. Because that's what his family used to do. They used to all be Spurn. Oh, they used to be Spurn back in the day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Way back.

They were the town Spurn. Right. Is that what? Yeah, right. Okay. Ladies, let us know. What is it that you like about this show? What do you get out of this?

Oh, wow. Yeah. And you know know what alternatively guys as well i have fun doing this if i if i didn't if i wasn't on this show and i listened to it i don't know if i'd enjoy it i don't know you know what i mean look i've said this before i don't listen to the show but you have to sort of listen to a bit of it to edit it and all that sort of stuff but the rare times i have had a bit of a listen back, I think, oh, yeah, this is not bad. Some of this is all right. Yeah.

So I get it. I like hearing about it in passing, you know, when someone will remind me, oh, you did this. And I go, oh, that's funny. I like having it told back to me. Right. Sitting and going through it myself. Yeah.

Not a fan of. Anyway, look, it's getting late. The sun is about to set on another day and we've got one more name. And on another episode. We've got one more name to do. Yeah. Thanks, Rowan. Thanks, Rowan.

Thanks, Gibbon, you dirty fucking monkey. That's nearly one of the only times you can say that to someone. Yes. Yeah. Right. Thank you. Yeah, right. One to go. One more. Yeah. One more out of here. Feels good. Hopefully it's a good one. Yes. Yeah. Right. Thank you. Yeah, right. One to go.

One more, yeah. One more out of here. Feels good. Hopefully it's a good one. Feels real good. We've had fun so far with those other four names. Let it continue. Lucky number five, I think, we're up to.

Yeah. Okay. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. Right. Okay. I recognize. All right. Right. I think you know look i think we'll have something to talk about here okay interesting you got thank you to patreon subscriber

dill rook the one-year-old baby who lives next door to tommy comedy right so because we talk a bit about the one Dilruch Jones The one year old baby who lives next door to me Yeah But So this is similar to his name But the surname of comedy Yeah I think

Because the one year old baby that lives next door to me His name is Dilruch Jones So his last name is Jones Right So who do you think this is? From what I'm reading The way it's been broken up, it gets weirdly broken up a little bit. Weird that it was so quick for you to find that information

but finding the dollar amount before took you so long. That was in a different part of the software, that's all. Look, I'm the first to put my hand up and say, I don't know this program inside out, all right? I use it because I need it. It's not my passion. No, I'm the first to put my hand up and say, I don't know this program inside out, all right? I use it because I need it. It's not my passion. No, I'm not having it go. I'm just saying, literally, it's interesting.

And I think the listeners will agree. It's interesting. For sure. Look, I'm interested as well. You got a real thirst for knowledge. Well, not so much that. But look, I have a need-to-know attitude towards this software. Everything I need to know, I'll find out.

But if I don't need to know it, I won't. You just sort of bumble your way through it. Yeah. I've never looked up the thousand-page booklet that comes with it. I've just sort of crabbed my way through it and figured out the bits I need to know. Well, it's impressive that you've managed to do as much as you have. Thanks, man. Without reading the manual.

I appreciate that. Now, anyway, let's impressive that you've managed to do as much as you have. Thanks, man. Without reading the manual. I appreciate that. Now, anyway. Yeah. Let's get down to brass tacks. Yes. Let's get back to what we all want to know. The mystery of this night. Who is this person?

Yeah. Well, what I'm getting here is that it's Dilwick Jones. You're quite right. Dilwick Jones is the one year a baby That lives next door to you Apparently The mum has remarried Right So you remarry

And then you just get to Change your child's name Yeah How else does it work? Change your kid's name Yes you do After they've been born Yeah why not?

Their last name you do. No, you don't. Yes, you do. Because it's on their birth certificate. You don't get remarried and change your children's name. A lady, when she gets married, can change her name. Her name is still a certain name on the birth certificate, but you can change it because of marriage.

Yeah. No, she changes her name. Yeah. But if the baby, having been born born is already called Dilruch Jones, she can't just go, hey, I'm remarried and changed my name. So your name has to change as well. That is definitely a thing that happens. No, it doesn't.

It does. It does happen sometimes. But it doesn't automatically. Okay. This is a time. Okay. So she's changed. So she's changed his name.

Or he. What? Dilwick Jones could have changed his own name. Oh, yeah, he could have. He's very advanced. Yeah. Yeah. It wouldn't surprise me if he knew how to do that.

I thought you knew him better than this. So who'd she get married to? Look, it doesn't say here. It doesn't give a whole family history just because someone's chucking in a few shekels everywhere. It doesn't give me the whole family tree. There's so much other information. It seems weird that they would just, you know, negate to put that in.

Maybe in future weeks we'll find out. Who knows? In future weeks? Yeah, who knows? Oh, interesting. Who does not? No one in this room, that's for sure. Not yet.

I mean, I certainly don't. I know that I definitely don't. And you, I can only speculate, are in the exact same boat as me Having absolutely no idea what's going to come up in the future All I know is what I've read out of this fine piece of machinery And I've read it straight out to you Hot off the press So Durek Jones

Durek Knee Jones Comedy The one year old baby that lives next door to you, is now a paid-up subscriber of this show. That's good. I don't know that I want him listening to this. Really? Yeah.

Did you know that he ever listened to this before? He's never brought it up. Never brought it up. So that's weird. It's weird of him to not say that and to know that he does. I mean, I don't know. Would you want the one-year-old baby that lives next door to you listening to this podcast?

Yeah, look, we should maybe tighten up the language. Now that we know that there are one-year-olds listening to it, like, yeah, we should try and, you know, make this podcast a little bit smarter so he doesn't look down on the podcast so much. This could be educational. This could be like Sesame Street. He could learn from this.

I'm surprised he hasn't outgrown this podcast yet. Yeah. Now that he's won. And may I ask, and I mean we are running out of time so I don't want to chew up too many more hours on this. How much money does he contribute each month? Let me see.

Wow. It's right there. For a baby, this is a lot of money. Wow, okay. I mean a lot of money for a baby would be like $1. Yeah. Well, this is way more than that. How much more? This is nearly 70 times more than that. That's a lot of money. I don't know what this baby does

but obviously the new dad might have a bit of money. Oh, I see. He's getting quite a bit of pocket money now. I see. Maybe this is it. Right. Maybe he's part of the, I don't know if we brought this up before on the show, there's a famous comedy family out there. Oh, I see. He's getting quite a bit of pocket money now. I see. Maybe this is it. Right. Maybe he's part of the, I don't know if we brought this up before on the show, there's a famous comedy family out there. Oh, yeah. I mean, it's the same name, so it's possible.

Yeah. But we'll find out in the future. And there's a lot of people in that family. There's kings and queens and presidents and a lot of famous. DJs. Yeah. A lot of famous. Gay husbands.

Yeah. Cats and dogs. A lot of famous Gay husbands Yeah Cats and dogs A lot of money in that family There's a Saudi There was like a sheik or something at some point Yeah He might be the heir to the famous comedy family fortune So yeah

A lot of money A lot of I don't know if you've I can go back and verify this But there's a lot of people in that family That I think Off the top of my head Chucking a lot of money towards this show Interesting Right So I wonder where it all comes from people in that family that I think, off the top of my head,

chuck in a lot of money towards this show. Interesting. Right. So I wonder where it all comes from. I kind of do. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I kind of do these and then I just immediately forget. Yeah, me too. I kind of just push it out of my brain.

But anyway, lay that number on me. How much does he contribute? Let me look again. Now I've got to start over again. I just closed that window. Why would you close it before committing the number to memory? I just, when we talked about it, I close it. I'll just sit here patiently waiting for you to open it up.

I'm opening it now. Dilruch. Who were we talking about again? Dilruch, Nate Jones comedy. Right. The one-year-old baby that lives next door. No, you originally said it as Dilruch, the one-year-old baby that lives next door to me comedy. Right. The one-year-old baby that lives next door. No, you originally said it as Dilruk the one-year-old baby that lives next door to me comedy. Yeah.

I'm just reading what it says on the computer. That's not me making any mistakes. No, no. You don't need to defend yourself. Just focus on opening up that window and looking at how much money he gives. Right, right. The window. Yep.

The one-year-old baby that lives next door. Comedy, yeah. Comedy. Okay, open. $, right. The window. Yep. The one-year-old baby that lives next door. Comedy, yeah. Comedy. Okay, open. $69. Nice. Fantastic. Yep.

So it's a lot. Well, thanks, folks, for chipping in and keeping the lights on in here. We really appreciate it. Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub if you would like to support the show. LittleDumbDumbClub.com for tickets to all the upcoming shows. We have Brisbane, Melbourne, Perth. Looking forward to seeing everyone out there. We've got a bunch of merch, T-shirts and stuff available.

All the previous episodes are there. Thank you very much for listening. Get on all the social medias. We're on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter. Always love to hear from you guys as well, whether you're posting. We've got the special little group on Facebook as well. If you want to be part of the little community, people aware of the little Dum Dum Club.

Get in there and be silly. They like to either put in pictures of T-shirts that say Rad Dad on them and that happens maybe twice a day, every day. So that's cool. Father's Day will be done and dusted by the time people hear this for another year. Will it? Yeah, it's on Sunday.

Oh, okay, right. Yeah, and thank God. Yeah. Because it's the furthest possible point until another year of us getting like, ah, look at what fucking Granny Mays are doing this year. How come you're not making money off this? We didn't invent the term Rad Dad. That's why.

Boys, they've ripped you off. We did not invent. Just so everyone knows, if you haven't listened to the episode where it all started, someone tried to cast me, offered me a role in a Target catalogue of me playing a rad dad. Yeah. So that's not us saying we invented the term. Someone tried to cast me as a rad dad. Oh, boys, you talk about McDonald's a lot and then check out this big fucking golden sign

I've just seen on the freeway. They're fucking ripping you off. That thing you've been talking about, they've actually made it into an actual restaurant. The gall of these cunts. All right, guys, littledumbdumbclub.com. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates.