The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 414 - Ben Lomas & Danny McGinlay

Episode Date: September 12, 2018

It's a good old mates catch up episode this week with BEN LOMAS and DANNY MCGINLAY! Lomas has had some recent adventures in riffing, Danny's got an illness, Tommy's been to Japan PLUS we experiment with ASMR! Don't forget, we have a bunch of huge live shows coming up:BRISBANE: We're heading back to do our 2018 stand-up shows back-to-back PLUS a huge live podcast! OCTOBER 21.MELBOURNE: We're doing a huge live episode PLUS a roast! OCTOBER 27.PERTH: We're heading back for our annual huge day of stand-up and podcasting! NOVEMBER 18. For tickets, merchandise, links to our Patreon and heaps of other stuff, head to our website: littledumdumclub.com  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Ben Lomas and Danny McGinley. But first of all, we've got to let you know about a few dates that we have coming up around the country. Sunday, October the 21st, we are in Brisbane at the Triffid at 1pm doing a huge live three-hour show. It's both of our solo stand-up shows. It is a huge live podcast with very special guests. It's in a massive venue.

It's selling very, very well. So Brisbane, get on that and get your tickets. Then the weekend after, what are we doing? We are doing a live Adelaide podcast. It's been moved to Melbourne. It is on Saturday night, prime time, Saturday night, the 27th of October. So get your tickets online, go along to that because that is not only a massive, massive, massive live podcast, there is an unrecorded roast at the end of it.

So super great. Guests locked in, it's going to be a heap of fun. Yep. And then November the 18th, we are in Perth doing, once again, both our solo stand-up shows and a huge live podcast. Special guests, the Perth contingent always comes out in full force. Looking forward to doing that again. Yes, tickets selling very quickly for that one as well,

so don't sleep on any of those dates. Yeah, they are looking all like they will sell out, so get off your sweet little honeys and get a ticket. Yep, so littledumbdumbclub.com is where you can go to find those tickets. We will be back at the end of the episode to let you know a bit more stuff, including Patreon. You can sign up. littledumbdumbclub.com is where you can find the link to that

if you would like to support the show and get a sweet reward out of it. But until then, enjoy this new episode with Ben Lomas and Danny McGinley. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into another episode of The Little Dumb Dumb Club. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. With me as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead.

I think one of our guests is about to fucking choke on the starting line. You know what's good about this is we've had a bunch of episodes in a row where we've had some big names and some people we really respect. Oh, yeah? What's he building up to? And there's a bit of pressure in those episodes because you just want to impress them. It's just good to have a bit of a break from that. It is. And just have some people in that you couldn't give a fuck about.

This is like we're hanging out in the maid's quarters for you. This episode's called Slumming It with Tommy and Carl. The three rest of us in the room have just been chatting for the last 15 minutes. You've been very silent and it's now evident that you were just cooking up that little introduction. No, no, that's what the train was for on the way here. Well, would you like to introduce the help that we have for this episode?

Well, look, first of all, our first guest is someone very rare that actually requested to be on this show, which doesn't happen very often at all, which shows the absolute lack of things he's got going on. Please welcome Danny McGinley. Hello. Oh, fuck, he's in his element. He's fired up. He's fired up. He's had a bit of a break.

I've been listening to all of your stories. But anyway, our second guest. Here we go. What's he got? You may know him from many shows. Well, if you were there before the shows happened. And you were being told to clap by some big fat cunt. Here he is, Ben Lomas.

The Omidy Cunt! Oh, well, I've got to do the intros more often. It's the first time I've been on and the circle hasn't been mentioned. I used to try and remember credits for people and then I stopped doing that. Now I just say

the name. But you, I mean, if you want to take the reins from here on out. You really, really enjoy that I mean, you're... We really, really enjoy that, didn't we? It's so nice to catch up with mates. Hey, can I point out something before we start? Oh, here we go. No, we've started. Okay, well, before we get into the...

When Tommy does the intro, that's the start. When he goes, hey, mate, what? So that you've pressed play and record on that little machine, have you? Yep, yep, yep. the two reels are running. I had a cold last weekend and it is flared up. I love it when guests bring in content. I fucking love it.

And it's flared up my asthma. Something shocking. Is the drum kit working? I'm waiting for the cymbal. I can barely breathe. I'm so glad Lomas is on because you can hear my heavy breathing. You're just going to think it's that fat fuck. But seriously, I don't know if the microphones can pick this up,

but I have what I call fizzy breath. Okay, give it a crack. All right. Oh, wow. Is that anything? Oh, that's fucking... No, that's coming through nice and hot. Okay, all right. All the big people that are into ASMR are just going wild.

What's ASMR? It's that thing where you like, you know, you get really like the spine tingles from like people whispering and stuff like that.

Oh. Haven't you ever seen any of that kind of thing? No. Never heard of that. No. Really? It's like a huge thing

on YouTube of people where they're like, people get really into like the hush tones and the like, the kind of, you know, the wetness in people's voice.

Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is this a sexual thing? Like people who are into it claim it's not, but it's like if you're into it, you're really into it. Is it a particular voice? So if your listeners are listening, I'm like, hello. Yeah, it's like.

I do comedy. This would be an ASMR version of the start of this podcast. Hey, mate. It's a bit cruel, ASMR, which sounds like asthma. That's the reason I can't make it breathe. Welcome to another episode of The Little Dumb Dumb. They would love the love god, Richard Mercer, who used to do Love Song Dedications.

Can we all talk like that for a minute, maybe? Can we turn the podcast into this? Yeah. Okay. Well, you've got to actually say something. I was just waiting for you to say something. Oh, okay. First Tommy. You're doing it perfectly. This is say something. Oh, okay. First Tommy.

You're doing it perfectly. Oh. This is exactly it. Oh, crap. What if any ASMR people listening just heard Chandler doing it and they're like, I've been into it forever. I've never heard anyone this amazing at it. And you became like an ASMR superstar.

Like George Costanza when he became a handball. Yes. That'd be great. this amazing at it. And you became like an ASMR superstar. Like George Costanza when he became a handball. Yes. That'd be great. I want someone to call me a dumb cunt while they're whispering. That's my new king. One million subscribers. Hey, guys, I'm back. Dumb cunts.

Just get a ticket. I know the avalanches. Kill yourself. Take a seat. I'm about to do something. I saw a duck sandwich on the night. This is great. This is really good stuff.

If you're into ASMR, let us know. Write in and let us know. Did that get the hair standing up on the back of your neck? If you are in any way even close to orgasming during that little segment, let us know. I'd love to know. Yeah, I've got to look into it more because it really does. The way people describe it is it's like checking all the boxes of like,

this is sexual, and then they're always very insistent, it's not sexual. Everything's sexual. Everything is sexual. It's like always very insistent it's not sexual. Everything's sexual. Everything is sexual. It's like foot fetishes or it's like no, I'm just a fan of the form of the foot or whatever or when pole dancers, they're all like I just do pole dancing. I'm not a stripper.

I'm not a stripper. I put my penis into a vagina the other day and went back and forth until the point of ejaculation and next you're going to be telling me that that's sexual. I can't fucking do anything anymore. So you had a good trip in Japan. Oh, well, look, before we do that, so Tommy is fresh off the boat. Fresh off the boat, yes.

Off the boat. Can you still travel, like, via boat to places, like, without it being a cruise? Can you still go? Well, yeah, like shipping routes. It's called a legal... Right, right yeah, like shipping routes. It's called illegal boats. It's called illegal boats.

I don't think anything is called illegal boats. Can you type that into Uber? Illegal boats. You're a bad criminal if you're putting illegal into the description of what you're doing. It's like sexual ASMR. I think you can because I knew someone years ago

Who wanted to do Who wanted to go to the Edinburgh Fringe And they were just like They literally can't get on a plane Like too scared of it And they had looked into like You can get It takes like a fucking month

Or something to get there Right But they had looked into it And you can do it But it's still It's a cruise ship Like you can't not It's not like you just go

But you don't do a cruise ship From Sydney to fucking Glasgow Yeah yeah you can do They're like You know two month cruises Really Yeah yeah yeah You can't not. It's not like you just go. But you don't do a cruise ship from Sydney to fucking Glasgow. Yeah, yeah, you can do. They're like two-month cruises. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can definitely do stuff like that. That's insane to be in a boat in the middle of the ocean,

like absolutely, you know, like a week from anywhere. That's crazy. You must really love cover bands to go on that. Yeah, yeah, totally. I just want buffet food for two months. You must be scared of skinny people to be on a boat for that long. Yeah, what a gig for the comedian

on that cruise ship. So it's a repeat audience, so you need to have 4,000 hours of material. What's up with fuck? Boys. You're that far in and you're only just covering boys. Yeah, yeah. You're just going, man, I've cooked this seagull joke every way from Friday.

What new angle can I do on seagulls? You're just doing material about specific days of the cruise? Yeah. What about day 87? That was a bit fucked, wasn't it? What about shuffleboard? Fuck off, can't we? We've heard it.

We've heard it. What is shuffleboard? You slide. It's kind of like... If I had to have had money on who would know what shuffleboard is out of us four... Performed on a cruise ship. Yeah, yeah.

Me and Colin Lane and Damien Callaghan played really aggressively competitive shuffleboard. So they actually do have it on cruises? Yeah. Yeah, right. It's kind of like coits, I guess, but it's marked on the ground. So isn't it, I thought it was like curling. Yes, actually curling.

That's way better. Competitive curling. Yeah. Do you have a broom? No, you have a shuffleboard. A shuffleboard, which is a broom? I guess. It's a stick with a V at the end of it and you kind of just push that.

I thought the shuffleboard was the actual, the board, you know, the field that you're playing on. The arena. The arena, yeah. You know who doesn't have shuffleboards? Illegal boats. I'd like to play a shuffleboard. Shut up.

I think this is a less than legal boat. No, they have it because they're in international waters. That's the only place you can gamble on it. Oh, yeah. That's what comedy cruises are. You get P&O and people advertising three-day comedy cruise. They just go out into international waters so they can turn on the casino. Yeah, right.

I love that. That's so funny. So it has nothing to do with the comedy? Well, obviously, you can go to the comedy once you've lost all your winnings. Hey, guys. Oh, they all just fuck off. No, that's so they go out far enough for you to be able to call yourself an international comedian. Comedy. And so some of your crimes against comedy don't count. they go out far enough for you to be able to call yourself an international comedian.

And so some of your crimes against comedy don't count. That's great. Yeah, you can do some of your reprehensible material. You can do some of your great riffing

where you think you're the riff king and you go and go, give me a subject. Polar bears. Got nothing. All right.

Excuse me. I will not sit here and take insult to the man, King of Rift. Carl and I had a double act. Fuck. Yes, I was at spleen for that. And I've been trying to do it where I decided to get suggestions from the audience. No, I'll take over from you. This is actually...

You know what? I had no idea. I was just setting him up. I saw a photo of this while I was in Japan. I was like, I bet I hear about this pretty quickly after I get home. This is what happened. He goes out because he's obsessed with thinking he can actually riff with the crowd. So he goes out and he goes, guys, throw anything at me.

He's gaslighted himself into thinking he's going to riff. Totally. I'm watching him going, does he know or not? He's gaslighted the crowd. Catfished the audience. He's going, does he know or not? Oh, so good. He's gaslighted the crowd, catfished the audience. He's going, give me something. And so people are like yelling out, oh, no, tigers. And he's like.

No, no, no, the first one. And so I go, he's like, yeah, anyone got anything? And somebody else yells out Ethiopians. Oh, yes. I do too. And so he's going, oh, great. But there's that great thing where you get to go Ethiopia. Oh, God. And everyone realises it's going to be so hard. So everyone laughs when you go, oh, great. But there's that great thing where you get to go, Ethiopia, oh, God,

and everyone realises it's going to be so hard. So everyone laughs when you go, oh, God. Well, after four times of that with Lomas, when it goes, airplane food, and then he goes, oh, God, everyone goes, that's an easy one. You can't do that. Do you remember your Ethiopian joke? I do he stole material

no don't even repeat it better than steal material than to cook up your own one I just told

an old story that I hadn't thought about that's really why I've been doing this you told an old story

of someone else telling you a joke it was very funny but then also it wasn't funny

I thought it was quite funny but then people were... It wasn't funny. I thought it was quite funny, but then people were a little bit offended. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he does that like three times in a row. It gets nothing. It's so good. It gets thrown subjects.

He's like, I don't know. Kind of sad, nothing, but killing. By the way, I had the best time in Japan, but I'm legitimately jealous that I didn't get to see this guy because it sounds awesome. Here's one of his fucking riff journeys. He goes, someone goes, they're really trying to help him out at this point. because it sounds awesome. Here's one of his fucking riff journeys. He goes, someone goes,

they're really trying to help him out at this point. They go, cheese, cheese. And so he goes, all right. Oh, God. What comedy can you get out of cheese? Oh, this is going to be an impossible task. What a great night of set list this was. Yeah, yeah.

So then he goes from cheese. He goes, oh, cheese. Oh, well, you know who likes cheese? People from Holland. Anyway, here's some fucking boring story about me living in Holland fucking 15 years ago. It was an old bit. Gets to the end and I stand up and go, I'm sorry, but someone asked for a joke about cheese. Because I thought I got away with it

No, no, no, fuck you So it gets to the point where he's got three in a row Without getting any sort of Mate, I'll kill him So the audience have given up on him at this stage Hasn't troubled the scorekeepers at this point No, no, no, hasn't done his job correctly at all Nailed it

The interpretive dancer of language So he goes, anyone, anyone else? Anyone else? And so I go, Fitbit? Knowing that the bit he does the most is the bit about Fitbit at the moment. So instead of going, oh, good one, he goes, fucking, I'll take that one. And just launches straight into it. Remember what he said?

He went, I love you. Shameful. just has to has to pretend that whole bit was riffed and it was never done it before oh wonderful start

what an ad for comedy you really are the king it was fun and then at the end when Carl was doing you were finishing oh that's right so then I

I was emceeing so I finished the bracket and then he walked and Lovis walked out from the kitchen with a slice of cheese. And just ate it, nothing. See, he's playing the long game.

Your rips can't all happen in the moment. It takes time. So that was very funny. We're killing Danny. That was very funny, but... That was the point of the story. Don't make me laugh too much. That was very funny, but let the record show I wrote that bit.

I believe together we wrote it. Oh, so good. Anyway. Yes. That's all I had. Did you get charged? So you had to take, because there is, yeah, they make burgers out the back of spleens,

so you had to steal a slice of cheese from them. Did you get charged for that cheese or did they give you that gratis? No, he was like, can we have a piece of cheese? But he sort of goes, whatever, I just hate it that you're in my kitchen. That's on the rider at Spleen now. We get a couple of jugs of beer and we get a slice of cheese in case you need to do comedy with it. Just for a prop, yeah.

Have we talked about this? So the gig that you've run for, what, 10 years now? Just over 10 years. Comedy at Spleen, every Monday night in the city. So it's been there. In Melbourne. Yeah, we had a 10th birthday fucking a couple of months ago. Didn't you go?

Sorry, I was too busy doing improv. They, what, like about a year or so ago, new owners came in and they've kind of, like there was a kitchen where everyone would hang out. It was like an abandoned kitchen before. They didn't have a washroom. Not abandoned. So that was kind of the green room where we would

all hang out. But then the new owners have started making burgers. So now, like once a week, there's just this poor arsehole back there making burgers who's just continually bothered by fucking comedians back there dicking around while he's trying to do his job. And they're walking through past the deep fry

when he's trying to cook up chips and stuff. And there'll be like Limo sitting there on the fucking fryer. And it's like, can you fucking get off so we can make some wedges? But he's the new guy. There was the original guy who used to really love the comedy. And I don't know if you did it to anyone else. He would give me which bits he liked, which bits he didn't like. Oh, did he?

Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I'd chat it to him. He was a lovely guy. He was funny because one thing sticks in my head, isn't it? He had a I chatted to him he was a lovely guy he was funny because one thing sticks in my head he had a little bit

about him he was a bit funny he came up one day and went where is that fat black man this week wow

yeah that's great another fan to Dill yeah well I did a bit about marriage equality on stage And he came up to me afterwards Look at me go

Were you pro or anti? I was Okay Look guys I'm happy to wear my heart on the sleeve I was pro it Not enough right wing comedians out there Well

Get this I do the bit that's pro marriage equality He comes up to me afterwards And he goes that is my favourite bit of comedy ever

wow I was like man thank you so much yeah I'm pretty happy with it and he goes you see because faggots shouldn't be allowed

woah so he thought I was being ironically pro oh what he thought yeah wow egg on our face for saying we love this guy.

He was lovely apart from the homophobia. Yeah, well, he's gone now. Guys, if you want to come down to Spleen, your chips and your cheeseburgers are not being handled by some right-wing craziness. He's from Indonesia, the current guy. Right, okay. I'll live notoriously more tolerant with that sort of viewpoint.

Shout out the food at Spleen If you're thinking of going down, get there early I personally recommend the Big Mac Fries Yeah, yeah, yeah That's good shit They got rid of Smash Burger, which is disappointing I'm off the burgers, but still Why? That was just a regular burger with the patty chopped up

Yeah, and now they don't do it Really? Just can't be fucked slicing it up It's like a sloppy joe. You've got to throw that weight around. You've been running that for 10 years. I reckon you could get things back. You've got to get them to make a Carl Chandler burger. Man, they've got spleen t-shirts now.

I can't even fucking get one. Really? Yeah. You've got to have a Carl Chandler burger. All right, that's a good point. What would you put on it? Yeah, what do you put on it? Oh, duck.

It has to be a duck sandwich. Oh, yeah, nice. I mean, you're off bread, so it's going to be one of those fucking lame, that's a good point. What would you put on it? Yeah, what do you put on it? Oh, duck. It has to be a duck sandwich. Oh, yeah, nice. I mean, you're off bread, so it's going to be one of those fucking lame burgers that's wrapped in a lettuce leaf or something. Yeah, but I don't eat dips. And a low-mass improv burger. That's just a piece of cheese.

The riff. The riff. Can I get two of the riff? Yeah. No, and then you've got that, but then you're allowed to suggest extra bits, but then they say no. Yes.

I've got nothing. Yes, yes. I've got nothing. You get charged. Could I get some tomato sauce? Oh, God. Oh, I've got nothing. I've got nothing. Extras, 50 cents each, but we will not put them on.

Oh, no, we're empty in the kitchen. We've got nothing back there. So on the way here, because you're in a – how long have you been living here? You're in the new apartment here. Like a month or something. It's really awesome. It's good. It's really awesome.

You're right. Are we allowed to say the suburb or the landmark that I'm quite jealous you live near? I am near the Melbourne Cricket Ground. That's so awesome. Who's surprised that I knew what it stood for? It is so wasted on you. I know. Actually, no, I've been.

I've been since living here. Well done. What did you go see? We were saying before this, we were saying just before we started, how funny would it be if Dassler then started complaining on grand final day about the noise? Yeah. Like those people who move into Brunswick and get like a beloved pub shut down. I'm like campaigning to get the MCG.

I'm trying to get to sleep at 2pm on a Saturday And all these fucking Sirens and shit Are going on Guys I'm trying to Read over here alright This is absolutely Unbearable Everyone's like

Must be some Fucking 80 year old Ah no not from here Okay So there's a tram stop Out the front of your house And there's a tram stop Out the front of my house

It's like this Direct sort of Cable car going From your house to my house Yeah it's really weird It's called a tram Yeah yeah yeah car going from your house to my house. Yeah, it's really weird. It's called a tram. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This horseless carriage. Tis witchcraft. But like you literally walk about five steps out the front of this to get on the tram and then you walk about 20 metres to get off the tram at my end. Yeah. So it's like, yeah, it's very, very convenient. This is nice. This isn't an area I ever sort of super thought of living in. Yeah.

But it is nice to be that little bit closer to my boo. Yeah, yeah. For when we have to do our work-related things. Totally. It's nice. Yeah, it's very convenient. Even in the car, it's like right down that one road. Yeah, yeah.

So. Some famous people live around here, don't they? No, there's statues of athletes. Low mass. Low mass. Benny Cuthbert is not. Low mass. The footballs don't live at the MCG.

That's just where they go to work, okay? Teddy Whitten hasn't moved in a while. I'm probably not going to go to heaps of games. I'll tell you what I probably will do pretty regularly, though, is walk down there on a Saturday afternoon, get myself some lunch. Some of those trucks out the front of the MCG. Treat it like a food truck park. If you want to spend $10 on a bucket of chips,

go to Bags. It's the worst food in the world. There's nothing else around. There's nothing else good walking distance around here. Hey, hey. There is an abortion clinic very close to your house. So you've got some good landmarks around here. Very handy. You see me in the plane when Lomas is on.

I'm already halfway through getting my loyalty card filled up, so that's good. Too much? Too much? Too much? Get me working out in the kitchen and spleen with that. To be fair, if you've done that many of them, that doesn't show a lot of loyalty, actually. Just frying up a placenta.

Oh, God. Oh, yes. Do what you should have done. I'm back, baby. Two weeks ago was the last weekend of Australian girls football for the regular home and away season. They have a deal now where pies are like two bucks. Oh, really?

Just to get rid of the excesses of them. And you have to go inside to the stadium to get it. But the last game on a Sunday, kids get in free. You shave your moustache, you could have got in cheap pies. My grandpa used to try and sneak me into the footy on a kid's ticket when I was like five years over the cut-off. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's standard.

Yeah. Embarrassing stuff. So the tram. Some people don't take public transport. It blows my mind. Why wouldn't you want to get on a tram? Because it's slow and unreliable. No.

They're great. When are they not reliable? All the time. Really? Constantly. To be fair, I never look at a timetable. I, they're great. When are they not reliable? All the time. Yeah, all the time. Constantly. To be fair, I never look at a timetable. I just go out there and wait for a train. Yes, normal people who have to get to a job on time get very angry

because it's never on time. Right, okay. But I way prefer public transport to trying to find a park and then paying for parking. Yeah, totally. That's why I ride. Totally. But you're mostly going into the city though.

Yeah. So that makes ride. Totally. But you're mostly going into the city, though. Yeah. So that makes sense. Yeah. Anywhere else. There's a new ring subway system. What are you trying to say? It got announced this week, the Premier of Victoria. They're joining up all the – we're going to have a metro system.

Ah, right. They're joining up all the lines. Anyway, how good is Daniel Andrews? Who cares? But it is like after being in Japan and it's like a train on every line comes every like 10 seconds. As soon as you're in a position where you're waiting more than a minute, you're like, what the fuck is this? In London, I remember saying three minutes, let's get a cab. Yeah, totally.

It spoils you so quickly. You change almost overnight. Yeah. So I came here today, very beautiful system. Look, you guys can bag it. Victorian government, big fan of your trams. Good work. It's good to know that you never look at the timetable

because you're either, anytime we do this, you're either a bit late or incredibly early. Like there's no in-between. It's like half an hour before and you're knocking on my door or everyone else is here and we're waiting for you. It all makes sense now. But I generally walk as much as I can. Like I walked more than halfway here before I sort of went, oh,'ll jump on a tram yeah yeah it's great i fucking love walking yeah um

but i would have been missing out on this i love being among my people you know yeah good good folk on there yeah who are your people weirdos on the tram yes okay people yelling guns to one another man today today was great because there was a weirdo on a tram it's the perfect situation the weirdo on the tram and they uh hooked onto someone that was next to me rather than me so then it's sort of like that thing when people talk about uh like being an auntie or an uncle or whatever where it's like you get all the fun of the kid but then you get to go home yes you know so you weren't getting dealt with directly with the weirdo i was just sitting there observing the weirdo and the person and do you when you're on the tram do you do you have the headphones in or are you yeah but so you do you

notice something going on and you just pause what you're listening to no i won't be listening to anything i just whack them in there really there's a smoke screen that's good i do that as well see that's my fear of if you're in close proximity to the person getting hassled it's like it's only a matter of time because they're often you know, they're always looking to like expand their circle. Right. So they'll start with the person next to them and then it's like, well, this guy's on board now. I've got to push it

out to the person next to him. Yeah, but now when you have a kid, like, so I'm on the train once a week with my daughter. As soon as you have a kid, they just come straight to you because they talk to the kid and off you go. There's no, you don't have earphones. It's just an easy game. Right.

I feel obligated as a big white male, if the weirdo's talking to a woman or a newly arrived Australian, I'll go and engage the weirdo to kind of cut off the racism. Jeez. Get yourself a cape. You should be like a trampoline. Tram police. Get yourself a cape. You should be like a tram inspector. Come out with your badge on your wall and go, weirdo police, mate.

Weirdo magnet. I'll take this. So, mate, you like rice bubbles, do you? Yeah. Bring the conductor back. I mean, honestly, for God's sakes. It's the Wild West out there. Well, I had it on Thursday. We were coming back from for God's sakes, it's the Wild West out there. Yeah, yeah. Well, I had it where it was on Thursday.

We were coming back from my daughter's dance class and there was this guy who was sitting to our right and he was homeless and he smelt and he just goes, hi, little girl. And I did that thing where I tried to cut him off so he just went to her and she goes, hi, what's your name? And he goes, like you said, his name was Dave. I can't even remember. But anyway, he just smelt so bad.

That was Dave Callen't even remember but anyway he just smelt so bad that was Dave Callan you heartless bastard but then she's like she's like daddy why does he smell like just oh wow

yeah but then to his credit he's talking he goes I haven't had a shower in months wow

that's the one thing that makes me that I would like about having a kid just that year where they're just like there's no filter they're just going like

why is that person so fat? Apparently I was big for that in the line at the supermarket when I was a little kid. Oh, really? Yeah. Mum having to like awkwardly, oh, sorry, you know,

he's just a kid. You know, just me constantly fat shaming people. Right. And you know, now I've grown up and I'm a different person. Now you've found a way

to monetize that. Yeah, yeah. You've come full circle. Yeah. So I was on the i was on the changes then and uh someone's next to me is copying the endless barrage of questions from the lucid weirdo which is one of my favorite types of weirdo just very uh coherent very uh but just non-stop with the questions so you don't see him coming bit of a snake in the grass yeah yeah so

she's this this poor lady's copying this one of all right, right, and this very casual sort of like, oh, we've known each other for years, but the woman is like, I don't know who the fuck this person is. But she's like, oh, yeah, you're on the tram, are you? And off to the city, are you? And she's like, oh, yeah, okay. Oh, great.

Oh, that accent. Where are you from? The obvious follow-up to where are you going, what's that accent? He's an open mic MC. Where's that accent from? Oh God, oh God. You guys look at

this girl's doing warm up on the train. So yeah, where are you from? And she's like, oh England. Oh, you're from England. Oh, so are you from London? And she goes, no. Oh, Bristol? No. Bristol's the second city? Yeah, Birmingham. And she's the second city? Yeah, Birmingham

And she's like Oh look, I come from down south She names four cities in a row Instead of going Where are you from? I'm just going to take it from here I'm just going to guess Every city I know in

And she's like It's a little game So she cuts off and goes Oh no, look, I'm from down south And she goes Northampton? Look, I don't know geography That well in England

But anything with the word north at the start of it, I don't reckon is going to be down south. Huge chance that it's not south. So she's like, Northampton? No, no, no, I'm from... Southampton. Yeah, yeah. It ended up being somewhere down south.

And she's like, oh, okay, that's different from London. Yes, yes, that's different from London. Okay. Oh, right. Like England. You know who's from England or could be from England? Here we go. Blondie.

Nice. The lead singer Deborah Harry from Blondie. Oh my God. Yeah, and I'm like and she's like where the fuck's this coming from?

And she goes oh, I don't know if she is and the crazy girl goes oh no, she might be but she might be mightn't she? And she's like I don't know.

You know what you should do you should google it right now how about how about you google it right now and the woman's like oh I don't I don't have a lot of battery left oh but it's probably worth the google though

because then we'll both know oh look it's pretty wow did it turn out is the twist here it turns out to be Deborah Harry no

no because she enjoyed being a rock star she's like properly cooked her brain apparently oh really yeah yeah yeah she went hard out to be Deborah Harry? Because she enjoyed being a rock star. She's like properly cooked her brain apparently. Oh really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She went hard.

Oh really? I don't even know who it really is. Great band though, shout out. You don't know Blondie? No, I don't.

You don't know Blondie? They were on The Muppets. Call Me? Heart of Glass was their other big hit.

You know Heart of Glass? You don't know Blondie? You know, fuck it. That's it. When she was on The Muppets,

they did Call Me with Animal. Call me. Call me. There's better references. If he doesn't know the names of the hit songs, The Muppets aren't going to be the thing that gets him over the wall. This is why I was never on Spicks and Specks. My only point of reference is The Muppet Show.

That is a bad. Just so you know, Blondie didn't do Mahamana. Alright, here we go Hang on Maybe I have heard this I'm sure I've heard this You must have Heart of Glass Okay here we go

You've now got to pay Apparats for this Yeah are we allowed to play it Yeah exactly Just a quick sample Oh yeah yeah yeah Oh no You know what

This is Blondie with Heart of Glass We'll be back with more Dumb Dumb Club after this You know I thought I thought that was Shut up Enough We're not allowed to play This is Blondie with Heart of Glass We'll be back with more Dumb Dumb Club after this Shut up Enough We're not allowed to play this I would love if we played songs on this

Just talk for three minutes And then have a big old five minute break God it'd be good I thought that was Cher Fucking idiot Cher's not from Southampton Yeah I've learned something

It's Blondie. Yeah, that's Blondie. I'm fairly certain Blondie is from America. Yes. They said that on the Muppet show. Oh, fuck. Blondie were a New York band. There we go.

That's not in England at all. Great band. Old York is. Is there an alarm going off in this house? No, there's a truck reversing. That's a truck reversing like two blocks away. Get a load of Spider-Man over here. My truck sense

is tingling. Fuck, Big Ben's going off. There's a truck. I've got this. Were you bitten by a radioactive weirdo on the train? Yeah, not far off. So Tommy, you are back from Japan? Yes.

We're going to have to force this on you because usually when you go away, you'll go to China for three weeks and come back and go, hey, what happened, Tommy? And you go, oh, I had a Big Mac in the Tullamarine Airport. Yeah, but this is the thing. This is the problem because I feel like I don't bring enough to the table on this podcast. But I'm not like – you're just coming here.

You're a fucking magnet for it. I go out and I just live a – I wish more fucked things happened to me. But I just live this like normal, relatively normal existence. But there's got to be things, you went to Japan for three weeks, there's got to be something. What's your Japanese like? Boku wa bendesu. Boku wa okinesu.

You speak Japanese? I did it for six years. Wow. What did you just say then? My name's Ben, I have a very large head. That would have come in handy. Can you speak any of it? I can speak arigato.

I can say arigato, which is thank you. And I learned that there's... What's domo arigato? Is that like, thank you very much? Domo is for everything. You use domo for everything. Yeah. Like everything.

Like yes, no, like yeah, fair enough. Like domo, domo. So it's like Smurf in the Smurfs. Yeah. All right, that's your cut-off fucking shit reference. You've got your Muppet, you've got your Smurf, and that's it, right? There might be a perfect Fraggle Rock one that comes up, and you're banned.

You're not allowed to say it. Yeah, I picked up, but that's the thing. Like, you know you pick up little things that other people are saying to you, but, like, because I've never looked up how it's actually spelt out, you're just vaguely making the noise. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What?

This is the most Australian person travelling thing ever. Yeah, I just fucking sounded like them and I reckon it's all right. It is that thing though where it's like one of the things I love about Japan is everyone's so chill. It's just like everyone's so chill. It's just like, you know, everyone's very respectful and nice and quiet. And you sit there as an Australian, four pints deep, in a nice, quiet little bar going, how fucking good's this? Everyone's just nice and well behaved over here, like just being a complete cunt.

That's what always strikes me with someone. Say if someone Japanese comes to Australia and they speak the language, but they keep hold of their accent. Like if they don't attempt the Australian accent, which is fine. But so they say, oh, you know, look, horrible accent coming up. Here we go. Oh, no. Me going, no.

Like someone going, oh, hello, Tommy, you know, whatever. No, but what I'm trying to say is the equivalent of that. No, no, no, I want more. I want more. How would a Japanese person order a drink? Ask me some questions about blondie. But if someone does that here and you go, oh, fair enough, like a Japanese person to attempt the Australian accent would be weird.

Yes, yes. So they're speaking English but they've kept hold of their own accent. Yes. The equivalent of that is you going overseas and, you know, you hearing that here and going, that's fair enough. Do Japanese people hear you in Tokyo and think fair enough when you give it a bit of arigato, right? Arigato?

No, I was doing a lot of that. It's that thing where you just like, you know, you travel and you just turn the Australian up by like 50%. Yeah. And it's so fucked. Our accent's so fucked. I remember in Italy just saying, oh, bongi orno, mate. Yeah.

Gracias. I heard that one. Gracias. Gracias. I've gotten back into giving it a bit of hoo-roo when I'm leaving a room. I was doing it non-stop. It felt good. If you do it in Japan, Not even people in Australia Know that one

Yeah exactly It's just like my chance To be free But no it was great I'm trying to think What is Well okay At the end of the trip

Fuck you have three weeks mate It's gotta be something Yeah Did you have some big nights I did have some big nights Yeah Did you meet any local ladies Yes

I didn't meet Well I mean I met local ladies But I didn't What are you asking specifically? You said you asked sex before. Did you touch the arigato? If people at home could see this, the three of you, the body language, you've all swivelled around to face me like I'm in the most fucked job interview of all time.

I'm actually in a dispute as a result of this trip. Oh. I posted about this in our Facebook group, but I have a pair of noise-cancelling headphones, and on the flight home I got out of my seat to go to where my friend was sitting to get a pen to fill out the arrival card.

Again, the most interesting thing about Japan is, on the plane on the way home, just before you got the Big Mac at Petal Marine. The guy who'd been sitting next to me comes up and he goes, oh, I sat in your seat and I sat on your headphones and I've smashed them.

And they're fucked. Like the whole like – Traditional Japanese custom. Yeah. Whole right arm is just gone. And he goes, oh, look, give me your email address and I'll chase you up when we get home and I'll reimburse you. I'm like, oh, that's very kind of you.

Thank you. So then I'm sitting to him and I'll reimburse you. I'm like, oh, that's very kind of you. Thank you. So then I'm sitting next to him and, you know, I noticed that, like, you know, we hadn't talked yet in the flight. We're sort of talking about, like, what we've both done over there and, like, our trips and everything. And he was kind of going to great pains to mention the extreme budget that he'd been travelling on. You know, he's like, oh, yeah, you know, staying in a capsule hotel

because they're just, like, $20 a night and, like, you know, just eating this because it's real cheap. And I'm like, oh, yeah, staying in a capsule hotel because they're just like $20 a night and just eating this because it's real cheap. And I'm like, oh, here we go. Because noise-cancelling headphones are a couple of hundred dollars. So then I get back and first of all, I'm like, I'm not going to hear from this guy. I should have taken his details. He's not going to follow it up. No.

He does follow it up. He writes back. Oh. Yeah. Now, I want to know if you guys think, I'm perfectly prepared to cop if I'm being unreasonable in this. So he emails and he goes,

hey mate, it's me. You know, sorry about the headphones. Let me know. So he's an Aussie. He's a British guy who lives here. Okay. Yep. So he goes. Is he from Northampton? I should ask. Was it Blondie? Yeah. Is he from Northampton? I should ask. Was it Blondie? Is he from Northampton or is he from up north?

So I go – he goes, let me know what you think would be fair. Oh. And I'm like, okay. That's an experienced shyster. This is very pointed language, isn't it? That's the sort of shit people who book dodgy clubs do. Oh, so you want to MC, mate? You want to do 40 minutes? What do you think would be fair?

Okay, no frag or rock. Hang on, I want to do this gig that's booked by Ali G. So, look, I posted about it in our People aware of the little Dum Dum Club Facebook group that that had happened. And a listener of the show who works in a department store emailed me

and said, hey, I can get you a new pair through work at a discount. So it's like I looked them up and they're meant to be $430, I think, and this person can get them for $300. Great. That's a good deal. That's a very good deal. So I just passed that on to him. I'm like, oh, look, man, well, they're completely busted up.

A new pair. I threw this friend who works at this store. I can get them. They're meant to be this. I can get them for this. Why did you leave them on the seat? Why did you leave them on the seat? Why did he sit in my seat?

Because he was trying to get through? No, he sat down. Hang on, what seat? What seat? Where were you sitting? I was sitting in the window.

So he moved over to the window? Yeah. That's weird. Was he trying to see something? He was trying to

see out the window or something. Was it daytime, nighttime? It was daytime. I was still in

full view of him. I was literally standing at my friend's seat just filling out my passenger card. So I hadn't gone far at all.

So you were about to land. Could you start to see stuff at that point's seat just filling out my passenger card. So I hadn't gone far at all. Right. So you were about to land. So could you start to see stuff at that point, I guess? Yeah, I guess. There we go. There we go. There's a little bit more sense, but that's weird to move that way. He still, I mean, if I had just left them on the floor or something and he stood on them,

they were on my seat. Yeah. No, no. And also there's no reason. It was in the middle seat he was trying to cut across. Yeah. Yeah. No, he went for a seat. We were in an exit row too, so there was like...

Oh, fancy. Thank you. How tall are you? What do you mean? It's a waste to get to. I'm seven foot three. Oh, doggone. It doesn't matter how tall he is.

He's extremely good at busting windows open and helping people escape a plane. Strong upper body strength. Did you pay extra for that? Yeah. Oh, okay, fine. Yeah. All right.

When they just give it to you, though, when they give it to a short person. No, this is Jetstar. They ain't giving you shit. Okay. Fair enough. So, yeah, I don't say you need to give me all this money. I don't say to him you need to give me the full fee.

I just give him that information. I go, well, look, this is what the pair is going to cost. You've given him wriggle room. I know. Well, I just wanted to see how it was going to play out. He comes straight back with, well, I think that's a bit excessive. I'm just – I'll go and get you the new part, which it's like – because also they're out of warranty,

so I'd looked up what it'll cost to send them off to repair. And it's like basically the same cost as just getting this new pair. So he's like, oh, I can get the parts. And to be fair, you know, I just snapped the casing. Like I did see you with them on your head after this had happened. I'm like, yeah, they're on my head, but they don't stay in place now, so the thing was like sliding down. So he's just

fully gone back on the offensive. So they still work? They work, but the casing is snapped. So they don't fold up, they don't stay on my head properly. So he'd started his character attack, sorry, his game plan early on by talking about the budgetness.

You needed to start your game plan early by like maybe constantly trying on the headphones and then looking sad and taking them off again. I kind of was doing that. Okay, all right. I was trying to because he was sitting next to me by this point and we had like another hour and a half left in the flight so I was trying to watch something and I was trying to make a bit of a big show because the earpiece just keeps kind of sliding down off my ear.

I'm sort of like making a big show of having to push it back up and be like, God, can you believe this? You should have started crying. Yeah, yeah. These are my deceased father's noise cancelling headphones that he left me in his will you pieces shit. And this guy sat on them. It's a shame they weren't fucking smell cancelling headphones

so I don't know like I if he had come back and gone I'll give you 200 bucks towards that yeah I would be fine like you need to get what you can get out of this because he goes I'll send off and get the piece for you or I can just give you a hundred bucks towards the

repairs man and it's just like I know I'm going to have to but what annoys me is I know if I was on the other side of this interaction, I'm such a fucking weak person that I would be the one being bullied into just giving the whole amount. You know what I mean? Like paying for the whole repair. That's not a weak person, that's a good person.

Well yeah but it's annoying because it's just like I know that that's what would happen. It's like cut me a fucking break, dude. You fucking pommy. Or you get him to get the part. You Southampton piece of shit. You give up on getting any money and you tell him to get the part and then meet you somewhere and just take him on a trip

around the city. Like, take him on this trip. You could just get him on the tram with Blondie. I should just read his details out on this podcast. Just dox him like the kids do. You do have power. I do have power.

I love that. This guy will get involved. Yeah, I love that shit. Because that's the thing. He's 100%. He was in someone else's seat. There's no wiggle room for me here to go, oh, to be fair, I guess I did do this.

For someone to go, just work out what's fair. Well, what's fair would be for you to not fucking sit on my headphones. Like there's no... Just start punching him. Yeah, you're right. Where did that come from? It was one of those great ones where you just, all the signs are there of him yeah, turning it up about, you know,

how little money he has and then the what do you think is fair? I was like, and I was sending it to people going, oh, I reckon I'm going to get fucked here. And people were like, no, no, he hit you up. Like, you know, you're being unnecessarily cynical. He's trying. But look. You're lucky to get a reply from him.

I'm surprised. Yeah, no, you are right. I just need to cop the, it's just so fucking, it's just so frustrating. It just sounds like you just had such a great holiday. Yeah. It's a real ad for Japan, isn't it? I got recognised over there.

I got recognised. There we go. Hang on, hang on, hang on. Is this officially a Japan story? Is this in international waters? This is on international land. Right, this isn't at Hungry Jack's or anything like that. No, no.

Were you in Tokyo? I was in Tokyo at the studio. You've just become the lady on the tram. Let's all do this. Yokohama. Is this south or south Japan? I got recognised at the Studio Ghibli Museum in Tokyo. That's beautiful.

So, I mean, this guy would have been like... So, what does that mean? It's, you know, Studio Ghibli, the Japanese film company that made, like, Spirited Away and My Neighbor Totoro. They're often called the Japanese Disney. Howl's Moving Castle. Howl's Moving Castle. It's like the Fraggle Rock of anime.

Danny, we're going to have to put you into time out. Did you used to love that shop Granny Maze? Yeah, it was pretty cool. How many pairs of silk boxes did you have with Sylvester the Cat on them? I just had many sand ones. Nice.

Who didn't? Me. Really? You never got into the silk boxes? No. It's because he had to go into Ballarat to visit Granny Maze. Yeah, that's true. Totally.

Someone do up the Granny Maze logo but make it Danny Maze. Oh, there we go. Danny Max. Danny Maze. I'll put that on the website. Danny Maze. So, there we go. Danny Max. That would look good. I'll put that on the website. Danny May Ginley. So, yeah, that was cool. Recognised animation company.

Yeah, it's like this – I mean, you could have just camped – if you knew I was in Japan, just camp out at a fucking nerdy Japanese museum and chances are the great man will walk past. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. This guy would love it. Were they aware or were they fans of your stand-up? He just said, I'm a fan of your stuff.

So I don't know whether that means this or – Had you just met him at the onsen? Yeah, I went into an onsen. I know you told me. Onsen is a – It's where you nude up. Yeah, you have to nude up. They're like public baths.

You have this tiny little chair and you wash yourself and then you sit in a bath. Yeah. Okay. So they're like hot springs baths but you have to be naked. It's quite confronting. Yeah. So you're not allowed to have tattoos.

Oh really? What is it? Shinto? They burn the symbols into their forearms. I learnt a lot of my Japanese culture from the shit scared sketches on the late show. I'm sure they've aged well. on The Late Show.

Ah, right, right, right. I'm sure they've aged well. You, yeah, you can't go, because it's like traditionally it's like only people in the Yakuza had tattoos. Oh, okay. So even though that's changed, it's like a lot of them are still like you can't be in here with tattoos. And there are ones where you can go with tattoos, but they're commonly owned by Yakuza, so it's like

the best way to go. How did you feel about just soaping up in front of another man, soaping up on a tiny stool? You can do that here as well if you like. There's a place in Collingwood. There's a park not far from here. There's community pools everywhere. By the way, I talked about how

this park near where I live now I reckon like a couple of times I've walked past and like kind of caught people jacking off in the bushes. I reckon I had another one last night. No. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What do you mean?

Sometimes you get to the MCG and you're just remembering a good win. Hang on. So there's an abortion clinic on one side of you, on the other side, there's just someone making sure they don't have to go through with that at some stage. There's so much waste in this area. So many potential lives lost

either side of you. Two extremes of the spectrum. Hi, if this triggers any issues... But, um... I'm just jacking off. Jacking off dick in a public park. Tommy lives between an abortion clinic

and a park where a lot between an abortion clinic and a park where a lot of people pull their tiny dickies full of sperm. No, I think I was like kind of not – I was like looking on my phone and then I saw a guy and he was like – had this kind of very like hurried, you know, like he just can't – like I busted him doing something. And his way of like not, you know, like he'd just can't, like I'd busted him doing something and his way of like not, you know, making himself look just natural was that he had his phone out taking a photo of the ground. I'm like, come on, man.

Like you were just going for it. But what is he jacking off to? Does he like the plants or? I don't know. Was he jacking off over something on his phone? But he just liked being outside? It was like I looked up and he was like, oh. Did you not ask him?

Hey, I've got a house just down the road. You're welcome to do it in there. This is what Carl does to get the weirdos on the trance. He goes up with his survey. Excuse me, I wonder why you are masturbating today. I'm on my way to a podcast and I've got nothing. Can you answer these questions? What was I talking about about Japan?

Oh, the onsen. Yeah, the onsen. So yeah, you can – so I've got a tattoo on my thigh. So I just read up on websites that if you get a big bandage and just cover it up, you're typically fine. So I went and got a – all I could get was like a – my friend had like a face thing to wipe off makeup, like the little round circle pad thing. Oh, yeah, yeah.

So I got one of them. Then I got a series of Band-Aids and used those to attach that to myself. So I go in and I get in the water and like immediately, immediately the pad just floats out from underneath the Band-Aid. Fuck, that's weird. That seemed like a foul-proof idea. Yeah, and the ten minutes it took me to attach the fucking thing, very worth it.

So then I'm basically just sitting there with a row, with a little outline around the tattoo of band-aids, just drawing even more attention to it. Is it a Yakuza tattoo? It's a tattoo that just says, The Yakuza. But no, I thought I was going to get kicked out immediately. But yeah, I think they were all distracted and in awe of my massive hog. So they didn't even notice the tattoo.

And what does that translate to in Japanese? This is, I am in the Yakuza. No, no, massive hog. What's Japanese for that? I'm not. Oh, gomu hog. Nice try. I'm not doing the voice.

You'll never get that out of me. Yeah, I'm trying to think. I mean, I did heaps of fun stuff, but I don't know how interesting it is to just sit here and go, oh, I got drunk and it was really fun. The thing I always ask people who go to Japan, did you eat anything really weird or did you see anything really weird to eat just on a menu?

Every time I've been there, I've been tricked into the thing of ordering on the menu what looks like popcorn chicken, like little bits of fried chicken but is actually like fried cartilage. They love it. I had a similar thing where I have a Japanese friend who every time we go there, you know, I went to uni with him and then one day he kept ordering and he's like, are you enjoying this?

I was like, yeah, it's delicious. He's like, yeah, they're called minky whale fries. I'm like, I don't know. He tricked me to eat whale. Right. It was disgusting. It was actually quite nice. It was quite rubbery but deep fried.

Oh, that's racist. Come on. Oh, very rubbery. Come on, Ben Lomas. Yeah, he was trying to say lovely. Oh, Lord. Okay. Well, no one gotomas. Yeah, he was trying to say lovely. Oh, Lord. Okay. Well, no one got it.

That's why I had to explain. Who is Blondie? We saw horse on the menu a couple of times. Yeah. They're big into horse. Yeah. Weren't they referring to you? Big horse.

Big cock. Nice. Nice. Saw horse on the menu. Yeah, you saw him at the onsen as well. Nice. It is liberating, though, him at the onsen as well. Nice. It is liberating though just getting fully nude in a – because that's the thing.

You know, like here in a gym you'll have change rooms where it's like men are just walking around nude. But they're the outliers. You know what I mean? They're the weird old men that are doing that by choice. They're where you have to do it and it's just culturally everyone is doing it. It's very liberating.

Because I love the sauna. I do. I'm a big fan of the sauna. I do it a lot, especially when I'm interstate. I stay in the same place. But there it's always that thing where I wear a towel and I'll have bathers underneath so I don't want to jump in the pool. But some people, what I love is like there's one thing to come

into the sauna and then take off the towel and you're naked. There's also the people who are just walking in already naked. Right. That blows my mind away. So it's like you just walk through the pool nude like when is is that still okay like

yes it's fine don't be a prude I don't know well it's it was impressive I think with you doing so many things over there I guess you know

you were putting it up on your you know Instagram stuff like that you seem to be doing stuff the whole time like non-stop it was pretty

is it a holiday at that point or is it do you get back in here? Yeah, by the end we were all pretty fucked. Yeah. But it was good because, yeah, it was the most amount of stuff I've ever done over there. Like I pretty much –

Went to Disneyland. That was sick. We went to a music festival over there to see an Australian band headline. Good use of time. Yeah. Avalanches? No, Tame Impala. Oh, okay. Great band. They're amazing. Yeah, what else did we do? Headline Good use of time Yeah Avalanches? No Tame Impala

Oh okay They're amazing Yeah what else did we do? We went go-karting We did the like You dress up as Mario Kart characters And go-karting around the streets I was

When I saw those pictures I was looking up jet stuff For cheap flights To fly over And flush your head down the toilet Man If anyone's going You gotta

It's fucking great Like you get in a go-kart and you go down the – you're going down the fucking freeway at like 60 k's in a fucking go-kart. Dressed as a runner. With other cars around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. With just like buses and trucks just like hooning past you. What? Really?

It's sick. Have you got your own lane or – No, no. You're just on the public streets. Do you have like a tour guide who like takes you on this like course through the city? How have people not died? I can't believe, because it's like you drive past a cop and you go, oh fucking here we go, fun's over

boys. But they're just like, it feels so good to do something which it's like, there's no way this can be legal. And you're dressed like a fucktard. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. No one's died. Now what's that short for, Ben? Now say that in the voice. Okay, Mario Kart.

It was pretty great because we were in, there was three of us in our group and then there was a family of four that were in our group to start with and the family of four were up the front and it's like, you know, an old mum and dad and they're going so... Did you get to release banana peels on them or anything like that? Yeah, do you piff turtle shells? You have to sign a thing where they're like, now even though this is named after Mario Kart,

do not be throwing banana peels and shells on the street. It's like, oh, what am I meant to do with this whole backpack full of them that I brought with me? That was a waste of going to the zoo just before I fucking did the race. The zoo. I conjured up some lightning just to make everyone smile. Yeah. Yeah.

So we started off with like a little family in our group and like they sort of talk you through. It's like pretty simple, single file, don't overtake each other. When we stop, go into like two, you know, go side by side. So go like, you know, double file. Like a grid. Yeah. This family just could not get it.

Like every time we get to the lights the mum is just fucking it up the son's yelling at the mum so all of a sudden these australians or japanese japanese so we had a you have two tour guides we had one guy at the front leading us then one guy kind of at the back so after about 10 minutes and we're sort of like all going oh this is i guess this is a fun way to like sightsee and see the city but it's not like it's like super fun. Huh? You're concentrating pretty hard on the ride.

But we were just going so slow. Like we, and just, they weren't getting it. Like every time we stopped, it was just a complete debacle. So all of a sudden it's like we pull over and the two tour guides confer and then the guy at the back to me and my two friends goes, all right, we're going to split the group off. You guys are with me now. And they're just going to go on their own.

Cut to us within like five minutes, just on the highway, just fucking going to split the group off. You guys are with me now. And they're just going to go on their own. Cut to us within like five minutes just on the highway. Just fucking going for it. So good. So they're clearly conferring going like, we've got to cut the dead weight out of this group. This shit family need to be left behind. You assume that they were the dead weight. Maybe they were trying to kill you.

They were the real fucking, yeah. They would say, we've got to split the group. Let's try and kill the whiteys. But it was sick because we go all the way into the city and then we come back and we kind of link up with the other group and it's like, I bet these idiots have just gone fucking around the block. Like, just a piece of shit. Or just spinning around in a circle and then going forward again.

Yeah, and one of them was dressed like Spider-Man. One of them was dressed like a minion. It's like, get on brand. Please. Please. Hang on. Hang on, because you were dressed as like Mario or whatever. I was dressed like a minion. It's like, get on brand. Please. Please. Hang on. Hang on, because you were dressed as Mario or whatever. I was dressed as Wario.

Right. So did they give you the costume? Yeah, they have a room of costumes, but they have heaps of different shit. Do you pick the costume? You pick, yeah. All right. So you're going on a Mario Kart fucking drive. Dressed as Spider-Man.

And some people aren't picking the Mario Kart costumes. Why even offer those? I cannot believe you and I see eye to eye on this issue. I never would have thought that this was the thing we'd have common ground on. Yeah. Well, this is very basic stuff. So if we can't agree on this thing, we should part ways. It is frustrating, though, because it's like my two friends were Luigi and Yoshi.

I'm like, this is like being in the video game. And then there's a fucking Minion and Spider-Man and Superman. It's like, get fucked. One of them didn't even put a costume on. He's just there in his normal ass clothes. Like those shitty counterfeit toys you see at Queen Victoria Market where it's like Justice League

and it's got Superman, Batman and Buzz Lightyear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, this is embarrassing. I don't want to be seen like this. Totally. It's like making a comic book. It's like, oh, Spider. I don't want to be seen like this. Totally. It's like making a comic book. It's like, oh, Spider-Man's taking on the dog from Foot Rott Flats. No, you don't fucking get it.

Does he get a warning for that? No, I would legitimately love to see that. That fight. Yes, because they do that in comics all the time. There's like a series at the moment where it's like Batman and the Ninja Turtles hanging out together. So that's actually not that crazy of an idea.

That's not a good comic if they're just hanging out together. If there's no conflict. It's not a fence. It's just Batman eating a slice of pepperoni down in the fucking

down in the gutter somewhere. I would that being said if I'd had the option of dressing up as the dog from Foot Rot Flats and driving around Japan in a go-kart

I would take it. Da da da Da da da said if I'd had the option of dressing up as the dog from Foot Rot Flats and driving around Japan in a go-kart. Yeah. And just singing. That would be perfect. That would be perfect because then people would see your bogan behaviour and go fucking New Zealanders. There's a guy in my gym who has a tattoo of the dog from Foot Rot Flats

on his ankle. I've got a friend that's got that as well. I always see it and go, what a fucking idiot, and then remember I've got a tattoo of a dolphin with big tits. Hey, but that means a lot to you. Yeah, anyway, I guess I can think of more. I'm still recovering from just the amount of shit that we did. Obviously nothing crazy happened. Obviously you didn't sit on the tram.

There was no Japanese tram with Japanese weirdos that you could deal with. We did meet an old, like we went to a standing up, like a bar, like a tiny bar with no seats, like a standing up bar. And there was this old guy who spoke no English. The girl behind the bar spoke great English and Japanese. So he's just basically talking to her and getting her to translate stuff to us. What character was he? Huh?

Was he a character? Oh, yeah. He was dressed as... Heckle and Jekyll. Yeah, there you go. Where were you on that one, McGinley? Fuck a heckle and Jekyll. Don't you remember those two birds?

No. Two cartoon birds. Oh, from like the Warner Brothers. Yeah, something like that. Big orange beaks. Yeah, that's it. Like toucans or something like that. He was dressed as H.R. Puff and stuff. Great, great. So he was like, he's like this 50 year old chef and just a very

very horny Japanese man. So I was over there with two female friends of mine and he's like, so he's saying stuff to the girl behind the bar and then she's saying to me, he wants to ask you what you would say if you wanted to ask out a blonde white woman. And both the girls I'm with are blonde.

It's like, oh, yeah, here we go. It just like gets very fucking weird. How old is this bloke? He's like 50. Great. Yeah. So I deflect him by, he'd never seen this. By sucking him off

Take one for the team girls Oh wait By the way Here's something I meant to bring up Before I left Here we go Right right I wanted to

No this is before he left I thought this would be I wanted to I've got the moustache at the moment I wanted to go over there Just looking as fucked as I could So I went to go and I went to go and get my hair dyed

Why? But anyway I went to go and get my hair dyed blonde. I went to go and get my hair dyed blonde and the hairdresser I went to refused to do it because I am, to quote her, too bald. Wow. Just wouldn't do it. Just would not do it. Because the peroxide would burn your scalp? It was just like you already look pretty bad and if it's blonde

it's going to look even worse. It's going to look even, you know. Yeah, and then people will go, where did you get your hair done? And you say, you know, wherever. I had a full head of hair before the dying. So you have to go like, I went to Alan Smithy hairdressing. It really is the final, baldness is like the final bastion of body shaming.

Do you know what I mean? If she was like, we can't do this because you're too fat to sit in the chairs, I could go back and launch an online hate campaign against that hairdresser. Do you know what I mean? But also it's like that's a waste for them, you know, because they're only doing half a job. They're getting the full money. Exactly.

Yeah. They're only doing half a head. It should be a gimme. Yeah, exactly. You're one of my few mates I've known who've actually handled baldness really well.

Has he? You realise you looked at Tommy when you said that. What do you mean? I reckon you've embraced it. Do you know what I mean? You've never really

complained about it. You've never tried to hide from it. I think that's the opposite. I wear a lot of hats. Yeah, that's true. He's pointing at me because I did the full about a year ago, just fully admitted, you can't fire me, I quit and shaved it.

It looks good. It looks so good. I know. That's why I weirded out that you were looking at Tommy when you did the compliment. You're desperate. Desperate for this. I'm very insecure and I can't breathe.

I finally did something good and I want the fucking plaudits for it. Have you met a comedian? Yeah, yeah. So anyway, after I sucked off this 50-year-old Japanese man, to deflect him further, I showed him... Hang on, was this in the hairdressers or was this a separate suck-off? Yeah, but I'll do anything if you'll just dye my hair blonde. Putting the foils in.

Arigato. I showed him the thing. Now, I don't know. He'd never seen this and I want to know if this is like a cultural thing or a generational thing. Did you ever do that thing at school where it's hard to kind of explain where like one of you would kind of put your hands together like that and then the other one would go, what is it, perpendicular

and you'd open it up and it looks like a. And the other one. And then the other one would go, what is it, perpendicular? And you'd open it up and it looks like a lady's vagina. Yes. Oh, right. So like in a prayer motion, your hands together like flat pointing, your fingers pointing into the sky. No, no, no. No, no. So I would put my hand like that, like down flat.

Like a sandwich. Yeah. And then you would put yours like that. And you'd put like a sideways sandwich. Yeah. And then so we link up like that. And you'd put like a sideways sandwich. Yeah. And then so we link up like that. And you open your fingers and then you sort of. And you open and to the person with their hands flat,

it looks like a vagina. Right. It doesn't, but people think it does. When you're a kid, it was like, this is what a vagina looks like. In my experience, that looks exactly like a vagina. And it was the best I've ever gone at like, you know, transcending the language barrier over there. Because it's like he's just being, he's just getting this girl behind the bar to've ever gone at like, you know, transcending the language barrier over there. Because it's like he's just being,

he's just getting this girl behind the bar to ask us all this like, yeah, real horny stuff about rooting. So I'm like, hey, hey, check this out. And I show him that. And he looks in and I'm like, what's it look? Pretty good, right? And he's like, oh, like just loses his mind. I almost did the voice.

Just points at the crotch of the woman behind the bar. What? And I'm like, yeah, like just loses his mind. He almost did the voice. Just points at the crotch of the woman behind the bar like, oh, and I'm like, yeah, brother. You know, old knuckle mutt behind the bar. And then we're high-fiving. I mean, it was a wonderful cultural exchange. Wow. Right. So I'd like to think that, you know,

you go back there in five years' time and just everyone's doing it. You know, this guy's like patient zero. I imported something into the mix. You go back there five years later, that's the new Astro boy over there. I imported something into the mix You go back there five years later That's the new Astro boy over there A hand that sort of Two hands that sort of look like a vagina

And the way they talk about it This man, he came from the south He had a fucked moustache He was almost blonde Anyway, I did that Finished my beer Uru, on to the next one That's like my version of the Uru, on to the next one. No.

Is that, that's like my version of the Curb Your Enthusiasm music. Just an awkward situation. Well, guys, that is all we have for another edition of the Little Dum Dum Club. Ben Lomas and Danny McGinley, thank you very much for joining us. Thank you. Just so we know, you're keeping the pounds off, Ben Lomas? Yes, yes. We use kilos over here, mate.

Oh, okay. Yes, I'm still under 100, last time I checked. 100 kilos, under 100 kilos. And still doing the Fitbed pod with Durek, but it's been very hard trying to keep it up. I'm playing squash four days a week at the moment. Nice. And go to the gym about five days a week.

Walk home with me now. It only takes an hour. It's in the opposite direction, so it'll make it even. Yeah. It's an even better thing for me. There you go. You walk Carl home and then all the way back to your place. Yeah.

But you don't burn as many calories when you walk. More than if you... Walk on your hands. Unless you are chasing... I went back to Spleen doing a sweet riff, are we? Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God. Quick, eat some cheese. The trainer at my gym messaged me this morning.

I went there this morning, and then first time I've ever received any kind of contact like that from anyone at the gym, he just goes, hey, mate, it's his name. Hope you enjoyed the music this morning. What? Yeah. What music? Just the music they were playing.

Oh, really? Just unremarkable, just, you know, normal dance music. Was it his own, like, band or DJ or something? I don't know. Yeah, maybe it was a DJ mix that he, I don't know. Was he in the bushes jerking off? That's very, I didn't even know he, I mean, of course, he has my number because it's not my membership thing

but like yeah I've never received communication like that from anyone I get non-stop from my Really? Yeah

From my guy Are you passed out in the toilets again? Come out and face me like a man No that'd be good Yeah No he's

No it's just a lot of How'd you pull up after that session? Oh yeah okay Because they want it's like they want you to go, oh, fuck, mate. I'm just beside myself. Oh, no, do they?

I think they do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They definitely do. My mate's a trainer at the Demons, and he says he hasn't done pre-season right unless the players fucking hate him. Oh, right. Okay.

If they should be running past him, he can go, fucking why? Yeah. Yeah, they should be in fucking slings and crutches going. Go on, Mike Carini. Possibly why they haven't made finals in 12 years. Yeah, I was going to say. God.

But it's been very interesting because Dill's been away in Edinburgh and a lot of people have said that he is stacked on the key. There's a lot of people watching him from afar and looking at what he's eating. In his defence, vegetables have been illegal in Scotland for a decade. Yeah. So it'll be good to get back into it. But yeah, no, it's been fun.

Great pod. Fitbit. Fitbit pod. Look it up, everyone. And check it out. Next episode will be out once this comes out with Dave Thorne. Oh, great. Yeah, it's been lots of fun.

I'm sure it'll be. Just check Ben Lomas' social media, then you'll find out when it's up. The king of social media. Add it to the list. Improv, social media, and comedy. Ethnic voices. All the big points for Ben Lomas.

McGinley, what have you got? I've got a radio show on ABC. It's on ABC 774 in Melbourne, ABC Grandstand for the country. With Limo? With Limo and Tess Armstrong. It's called They Came to Play. You can also get it as a podcast on the ABC Listen app. Nice.

Get into that. Guys, we've got all our stuff on sale at the moment. We've got dumdumclub.com. Live shows in Melbourne, Brisbane and Perth on sale. So if you live in any of those capital cities or you live anywhere near there, get along to those. Get in. Guys, thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time.

See you, mate. The comedy. Comedy. That's a slice of riffing. Riffing. And they've done it again. I'd like to disagree, but I can't. Yeah.

I can't. That's not an alternative fact. That's a fact. Science is on our side. And God. Yeah. All of it. All the big plays.

After that episode, that's made me believe in God because nature couldn't create something as beautiful as that episode. There's no way nature could replicate itself again and again and again to that extent. There's got to be a higher force that allows something as perfect as that to happen. So this has made you believe in aliens, it's made you believe in God. Yes. All of it.

I now believe in gay marriage because of that episode. Because of this episode. Yeah. Wow, it's really… It really made Because of that episode. Because of this episode. Yeah. Wow. It's really. It really made me see the way. Yeah. Cool.

Cool. Before that. So you didn't believe in it before? No. Very much. You didn't believe in it in the sense that you didn't think it was real or that you didn't think it should be legal? Yeah.

I'd just never seen it. You'd never seen it? Yeah. I mean, I guess technically I've never been to a gay wedding. So I guess I'm a skeptic as well. You've converted me. Hey. If someone wants to been to a gay wedding. So I guess I'm a sceptic as well. You've converted me. Hey, if someone wants to show me a gay wedding, I'll believe in it. But until then, there's no faith with me.

I've got to see it to believe it. I'm a man of facts. Like I believe in you because I can see you. I believe in gravity because I'm beholden to it constantly. That's pretty much it. That's the only things I believe in, you and gravity. Yeah, at the moment, gay marriage to me is like a Yeti. Yes.

Yeah, haven't seen it. Just seen blurry photographs of it. Blurry, hairy men walking in the bush off to do something. Yes. Wonderful riff. I believe in God even more after that Yeah I believe

I believe in a little I believe in a little sleep after this You and I just had a big old Indian dinner Yeah Not the ideal conditions for recording this No Big old bellies full of curry right now If possible

That's going to make you go to the toilet even more We'll see if that's Yeah I do go a lot I love it You do love it I I love it in there. I do love it. I reckon that's probably your favourite room in the house.

It's my home away from home. Is it? Yeah. Even when the toilet's in your home? Yes. Right. It's second home. Right.

It's a home within a home. Right. It's a home away from home. Yeah. I mean, we're in my living room at the moment. I feel a bit weird in here. It feels very unfamiliar. Well, if you want to feel at home, you can take a shit in that chair right now if you want.

If we could record this in the shitter from now on, that'd be great. Good acoustics. Pretty good. Yeah, very good acoustics. Much smaller space in there. Less, you know. I want to say this.

So I have brought up on a previous episode about how I've got a cat. I've got a cat called Crunchy and she has a brother who's been entered in cat shows. Mr. Crunchy. I don't know if that's his name. So Twix. He is being M and M. He's being entered in cat talent, not talent shows.

What do they go? Just not beauty shows, just cat shows. Fucking contests. Fucking contests. Yeah. Cock fights, not talent shows. What do they go? Just not beauty shows, just cat shows, are they? Fucking contests. Fucking contests. Yeah. Cock fights, but with cats. Yes.

So she's, he, sorry, the brother is being entered in. So I'm going along. As we're recording this, I'm going to go to one in a couple of days. Great. I'm going to go and see my cat's brother in a cat show. Great. Do you think, you know um do you think you know do you think the cat will have heard anything about you are you gonna be like yelling out from the sidelines i'm crunchy's dad i'm your sister's dad yeah maybe i i don't know i haven't thought it out

yet i just think your girlfriend do that sorry your wife do you and your wife do that with your cat do you like pretend that it's your kid? You know how couples do that when they have a pet? Yeah. They'll be like, go talk to dad. And it's like, what, you fucking push this dog out of your pussy? Like, cool. Sweet reality you've decided that we live in. No, yeah, she says that about me, about me and my pussy.

Right, right. No, I don't do that to her. No, we don't do that quite yet. Good. Quite yet. You think you're on the way. Well, we do have all those conversations where it's like – It's a slippery slope. Yeah.

I'll get home tonight and we'll just talk about the cat for 10 minutes and what the cat – Really? What the cat did today. Oh, my God. Stuff like that. Sounds like hell. Well, that's what happens. What else am I going to talk about?

I can only talk about that old work. Yeah. So if the cat jumps up on the couch, oh, there's 10 minutes of convo. Nice. It's a slippery slope in a relationship, isn't it? Where you start out, you know, the transition from like going on like an early date,

you know, you've got your best stories in the chamber to the two of you just like having pet names, baby talking around each other because you've just run out of stuff.

Yeah. So all you have left is just inventing your own language. Yeah. Yeah. Especially like, you know,

tonight, like I've already said to my wife when I get home, I said, oh, maybe we can go for a walk and do something. Nah, I'm just going to watch Netflix. Okay. All right. Well, I guess I can talk about the cat to myself.

Uh-huh. Nice. So I'm going to go and see, we are going to go and see this cat, this cat showed us to barrack for our cat's brother. But on top of that, so I've been- Get a barrack. Yeah. Get some signs made up. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Heckling the other cat's brother. But on top of that, so I've been- Get a barrack. Yeah. Get some signs made up.

Yeah, yeah. Fuck yeah. Heckling the other cat. Yes, yes. So bringing dogs to fucking bark at the other cats. Yep, that's great. So I was making plans to do that and finding out the details of that. And we're finding out the details through the person who owns that cat,

another owner and then as so as my wife is communicating with her to sort of go what's the details of this cat show and whatever she goes oh well you can also vote for him as well online if you want here we go vote vote for him in the cat show no no no vote for him as the face of a cat food. Wow. So Crunchy's brother is on a website, is up for being the face of the cat food called Applause. Right. So if you go to Applause's website, you can vote for. So wait, you're just using this podcast as a platform.

Yes. To get your cat's brother over the line? Yes. I feel like I can do that. You fucking piece of shit. Because it's such a dumb convoluted. How dare you not run this past me? What an abuse of this platform that we have.

The face of applause pet search 2018. So it's not even my cat. It's just a cat that's related to my cat. But it looks the same as your cat does. So you get to feel like your cat is famous. I think if I can get the listeners. Is this like you then want to try and sell your cat

because now it's like worth more because it's a famous cat. I want my cat to be like the Danny Minogue to Kylie Minogue. Oh not bad. And get a career off the back of the more talented sibling. Yeah. Okay. Or at the very least, maybe if I can –

so if all these other cats get like minor votes or whatever, if I get the dum-dum army behind this – I can't believe this. Behind this, and all of a sudden it wins by 20,000 votes, I'll hit up the owner and go, look, this is what's happened. Can you just substitute a picture of – What an abuse. What an abuse.

I want all the dum-dum list to send me 20 bucks. Well, don't we do that as well? Yeah, true. In addition to just me. So there's a Patreon and then there's a Tommy Dash. And then they're just giving me money. Yes. Well, Patreon, I work for that.

The people giving me money is just like you just have that. Right. That's just gratis. That's just free money. This isn't mine. This is the sibling of a cat I own. Well, give it. So where do you go?

How do you do this? You go to the applause, A-P-P-L-A-W-S. That's the brand name of the cat food. And you go to their website. Now, the thing is, it's pretty hard to manage your way around this website to find because this is like a fucking million cats or whatever on there. So I'll put it up on the social medias. I'll put it up on the social medias.

What's the brother cat's name? Oh, I think it's Jack. Yeah. Awful. Yeah. Oh, that's okay. It's not as imaginative as crunchy. No, it's not as imaginative as the thing that you stole off someone else.

Yes. Well, Jack, all names are stolen off something. Yeah, true. Unless you're going to start calling things whatever. That's not bad. Making up a new noise. How would you spell that? With a B. Yeah. Yeah. I reckon B-L

B-L-E-G B-E-R. Right. Blegber. I thought there was more going on in there than just that. Blake Burr. Right. Blake Burr. So, anyway, I'll put it up on the socials and see what you can do.

I don't know why I'm not just putting Crunchy in, but just getting by proxy, getting the cats. I don't know how I feel about you treating our listeners like a bunch of Russian bots. No, I feel it's absolutely perfect. I think this is what the podcast is for. Perfect? Was that a little pun that you did just there?

I would never do a pun, so no. No. And I'm giving a free plug to this fucking cat food that I don't even buy. Right. Have you ever tried it? I haven't tried it, no. Would this make you switch?

Yes. Of course it would. Big of you. If I got... You'd be walking into the shop with your cat under one arm and the tin in the other going, I've got to get a discount. I mean, it's my cat on there. It's the most certain

luck bet of all time that I would be buying this cat food, bringing it home and showing it to my cat and going, look Crunchy, it's you! It's your brother! Trying to trick her into thinking that it's actually her. She freaks out. Into thinking that she's about to eat herself. She's in that can.

How many cats is Jack up against? Oh, fucking heaps. So this is just an open call. Any idiot can just submit their cat to this. Yes, I believe so. I can't even see how many... We should have dressed one of us up as a cat and put ourselves in. Yeah, there's some really low quality pictures of animals in there actually.

So just dog shit cats. There's literally a picture of a baby sitting on a cat and you can barely see the cat. You're supposed to vote for that. I hope that one gets in. Then the baby has to be on the label. Yeah, baby with a cat head on it. So yeah, I'm going to put that on the social. You've really come in here with an agenda.

Yeah, it's a good idea. It's an idea. So yeah I'm going to put that on the social You've really come in here with an agenda Yeah Yeah It's a good idea It's an idea What will we Do you want to say What will we do if Jack gets over the line You know you've got to make it work these peoples

You know you've got to make it work their while You know like Dil So Dil got the Logie and he shouted this podcast out Do you think Jack would reciprocate it anyway? Can we get the cat wearing If we make like a little tiny version Of one of our t-shirts Could we get the cat wearing that

On the label of this cat food? Yeah Maybe Maybe I'll contact them And see if Maybe I'll just bring free Free cat food to one of the live shows Okay

Yeah Alright Yeah if this cat gets on the front And then Because that's the That's the prize So if Heaps of free cat food Crunchy's brother Right live shows okay yeah all right yeah if if this cat gets on the front and and then it because that's the that's the prize so heaps of crunchy's brother if crunchy's brother wins he's now the face of uh of the cat food does crunchy does crunchy's brother's owner know that you're doing this no it's so fucking weird yeah it's so weird'd be great. Just them turning up and it's like, wow, it was a landslide victory.

17 votes to one. No, no, no. We'll have like 30,000 votes to fucking 17. Yeah. It's going to be good. Yeah. All right, I'm going to put up all the socials. Do it.

Yeah. Okay. Fuck, I wonder if it's too late just to enter fucking crunchy into it. I don't know why I'm not doing that. into it I don't know why I'm not doing that Yeah, I don't know why you're not doing that either But then you're splitting the vote because it's like two cats that look basically the same Yeah, but the other cat's an unknown cat at this point Oh, so you want to put your already famous cat in here

Yeah That's interesting Watch this space Sorry, I'm saying this on the podcast By the time I put it on social media, maybe I've entered Crunchy in there instead Okay But you've got to get a photo Didn't you say there's like two – when's voting closed?

In like two weeks or something. Okay. Yeah. All right. I'm changing my idea here. Now you can – I'm going to enter Crunchy and you have to vote for Crunchy instead. It's remarkable but very unsurprising to me that that wasn't your first thought anyway. Yeah, I just helped this random cat get in.

I thought I was doing a nice thing but now I've changed around. I'm doing a selfish thing. You've remembered your true nature. Yeah, I'll just help this random cat get in. Yeah, I thought I was doing a nice thing, but now I've changed around. I'm doing a selfish thing. You've remembered your true nature. Yeah. What am I fucking helping out this other cat for? I've never even met this cat. Yeah, get your cat in there. Let's get this other cat, put it in a sack and throw it in the air.

Yeah, fuck this cat. Yeah. I'm going to go all Trump style on this cat. Lock this cat up. You are a fucking idiot. Actually, now that I've been talking about it for 25 minutes, maybe I could just put my own cat in. Yeah, maybe I could get this free

cat food. What is my plan to get something that looks like my cat? And the idea of the plan was like you, so what, you would have hit up the owner and gone, hey, just that great thing that happened to you, I actually was responsible for that. Yes.

Can I have at least 80% of the free cat food that you've gotten? Can I have some of the cat food that I am 100% responsible for winning? I kind of regret helping you arrive at this conclusion because that would have been a much better outcome. Yeah. You turning up on a stranger's door. Yeah. So how did you find out about this anyway? Like I said said so the owner

said when we're asking where can we go and see your cat in a cat show yeah yeah but how did you find out that the that the that this cat is in cat shows oh because i think uh the owner is on instagram and just keeps putting pictures up and so my wife follows them but you're so but how did you when you got your cat, what, they just put you in contact with like all the owners of all the siblings? I think maybe this cat owner is the breeder. Maybe that's it, I think. So they've kept the cat and the cat is like a cat model now.

Right. Yeah. So, yeah, Jack. But if they're the breeder and then if yours – if Crunchy wins, does this mean the breed – like management, they're going to come And then if yours If Crunchy wins Yeah Does this mean the breed Like management They're going to come after you For 15% No

Do you know what I mean It's like I mean we bred this cat So we should get some of this I'm not sure if we signed A contract or not Okay I'm not sure

Interesting Yeah Maybe it was a handshake deal though Yeah Yeah I'm not sure We might want to get The legal department onto this Did I tell you about this

Like that we We bought the cat off Like a proper good breeder And whatever Did I talk about this That we We tried the cat off a proper good breeder and whatever. Did I talk about this? We tried to buy a cat off... Because we were after this breed of cat. Yeah.

And we tried to buy this breed of cat off someone else who lived way out in the bush somewhere. I don't know if you did. And they had a website where they had all the cats online, the pictures of the cats. But it was made up very specifically. Are you sure I didn't tell you about this? None of this sounds familiar so far.

And this lady was very different, I would have thought. She wanted to meet us in a car park and talk about- I feel like you'd be telling this very differently if we were off mic. A few more very generous descriptive words would be being used that are unbroadcastable. So, yeah, believe it or not, people that listen to this, I hold back on this thing. So the cats were on this lady's website dressed up in fucking witch's hats

and wizard's cloaks and all this sort of stuff. So I wanted to go and buy a cat from her just so I could meet the sort of person that dresses up the cat in fucking witch's outfits. And you'd have to presume free wizards outfit. Oh. Getting into a dispute with her over that would, you know,

she hands you the cat and you're like, what the fuck's this? Yeah, in Frankston Coles car park and I'm having this full on fight about, where's the fucking witch's hat for my cat? I'm here to buy a fucking sorcerer, not whatever the fuck this is. A sorcerer of milk for the cat.

Ah, nice. Yeah, not really. Yeah, no, that was all right. All right. Well, anyway. Vote one crunchy. That's going to be up on the socials as soon as I get home and figure out how to upload pictures and enter Crunchy into this thing. And then we've got to do a victory parade for Crunchy.

Oh. We drive down your street. No, we pick a street not near where either of us live. We invite all the fans and we have the grand final parade. We tie her to the roof of your car. I've put the little cat box on the top of my BMW and I drive down Riversdale Road with my got him number plate and a cat strapped to the roof of the car. And the cat's dressed like a wizard.

So it's all gone full circle. And I'm hanging out in the car going, she won. Suck shit, Jack. Yeah, and you're throwing tins of this free cat food out the window. Just beaning people in the head with it. Man, have I said that before? Well, like, there was a – when I was a kid, there used to be like a Maribor parade every year.

And, you know, because it was a parade that like – and, you know, when you're a kid, everything seems really big, but of course you go back and it's really small. Must have been the shittiest parade of all time. Yeah. And so there's these floats, shall we say, going down the main street of Maribor. And you've been there. It's like two blocks.

So there's floats going down and like, what are you going to do a float of in Maribor? Like, there's not much. Yeah. So like the bakery had a float. Great. Yeah. So like the bakery had a float. Great. Yeah. And so I distinctly remember being a kid and then this bakery float just throwing out bread rolls onto the ground and me like picking them up going, oh, cool, free bread.

Dirty little Carl eating off the street. Yeah. Not even picking it up, just bending over like a duck. Yeah. Not using my hands. That's cheating. Just eating dirt rolls off the ground. Awesome.

So that's what this is going to be like. That's the Crunchy Victory Parade. Well, we've got a project for you guys. And if you want this sweet parade that we're promising, then you've got to do the right thing. You've got to vote for Crunchy. If you want tins of salmon thrown at your head in Hawthorne, this is the price you've got to pay.

You've got to get online. Get on there and vote for whichever cat Carl has decided is easiest to put the link to on our Facebook page. Yeah. Or a dog, whatever I can figure out. Yeah. All right. We've got to talk about Patreon.

Thank you to everyone who contributes to the show. We really appreciate it. You can chip in whatever amount you feel and for as little as $5 a month, you can get some sweet rewards that we put together, some bonus content including a magazine, including a bonus episode every month and also as part of saying thank you, we like to read people's names out here because, you know, you get some content but also we feel you should get a little more as well,

a little personalised thank you. Every week we do a different number of names. We've got a very strict system. We've got the unplanned title alternator, which is a way of us making sure that the names that come out every week are different. Completely random. Completely random, yeah.

So it's fair. Not influenced by the outside events. Yeah. Outside world. Yeah, anything like that. So, yeah, It's proved to be Foolproof so far So why would you change A winning system Yeah I mean if we'd had

Problems with it before We probably would have Taken it back or You know Got a new system or whatever But there's no need to Especially how much we pay for it Yes

So let's crack in This is How many should we do Five Okay So First of all Which is... How many should we do? Five? Okay. So, first of all, thank you to your Patreon subscriber, Luke Tenkate. Tenkate?

Yes. Wow. Yeah. What do you think about that for a name? Well, I mean, you know, I've got a friend called Kate. Yeah. I mean, ten of her. Yeah.

That'd be great. She's a good friend. Yeah. Ten good friends? Yeah. I mean, ten of her. Yeah. That'd be great. She's a good friend. Yeah. Ten good friends? Right. I mean, I'd be in heaven. Ten identical good friends? Ten identical good friends.

And every time they speak to me, they all speak at the same time. But your friend Kate, like, I mean, you like her and everything. Yeah. Is she worth ten of them? No, she's not worth ten. No, no, no. She's one. Would I want to hang out with ten of her all at once? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure.

Just to say I had. Be interesting. Right. It wouldn't be annoying or anything? No. Okay. I don't think so. Right. Why would it be annoying? It's a fucking scientific anomaly. That's a pretty... Hanging out with ten carbon copies of the same person. That's a pretty cool... I'd be like, this is boring. That's a pretty cool compliment

to say to someone. I could hang out with 10 of you. Not I could hang out with you 10 times in a row. Yeah. I want 10 of you and me in a room. You should say that to your friend Kate next time. Okay, I will. It's a lovely thing to say. Okay.

Yeah. I'll let her know. Yeah. I'll send her this. Yeah. Send her this right now. The ultimate compliment. Yeah.

Yeah. You've hijacked. The idea of 10 of you has hijacked a reading for someone who gives us money every month. What about you, Carl? What's the most number of people that you know? Well, ten. You know, that's the tattoo I've got on my chest.

Ah. I reckon I do know ten people called Kate also. Really? Yeah, I reckon. Ten? Yeah, I reckon. I reckon I know – oh, God, there wouldn't be many. I kissed a girl called Kate once.

Awesome. Yeah. I made out with her at a nightclub in Ballarat. Nice. Yeah. Nice. And I remember my friends giving me a lot of shit about it. Why?

Because she used to have this really dickhead boyfriend. And so I was copying shit for that. And I'm like, but I don't have anything to do with that. That's great bullying. She's not. That is excellent bullying on their part. Yeah. So then, yeah, I was just copying it all the time.

But I'm not, I didn't make out with him. That was in the past. And it was like. It was in the past that you made out with him. No. Don't you start. Fucking idiot. And I remember, actually, I remember why They were giving me shit now as well

Because I was like She used to go out with this guy And this guy was a dickhead I'm like I don't care Yeah but She used to She used to live with him In a

In a wood house With no floor That's great Yeah That's good Like a dirt floor I was gonna say like It's funny that you remember the name

Of someone That you just made out with Yeah All those years ago. But I was like, well, yeah, small town. That's of course like to even get the person's name. Yeah. I would have thought would be strange. Yeah.

No. Oh, really? No, I think so. Maybe or to remember this long after the fact. Okay. No, no, no. I just, you know, she had an unusual, I won't say her last name, but she had an unusual full name. Okay, right, right, right. And just, you know, she had an unusual, I won't say her last name, but she had an unusual full name.

Okay, right, right, right. And she was a friend of, you know, one of these people that, like I made out with her and I was like, okay, that was whoever that was. And then they were all like, oh, that was that person. And then that was just on me and on me for, I don't know who that was. I don't fucking care, whatever. Right. But then I think She did a thing where

I just made out with her one night And that was sort of it And then I don't know whether I was supposed to follow up on that or something I don't know what it was But then The next time I saw her She made this real

Real Intention of Really flirting with my friend And really going over the top Right Just giving my friend all this attention. Trying to get over the Chandler magic. Well, just trying to, I don't know, punish me or whatever it was.

It seems like you're realising a lot about this story as you're telling it. No, no, no, no, no, no. Like, I know, but I just wasn't quite sure what the angle was because I was like, yeah, but you didn't like me that much. Like, it was whatever it was. It was like, yeah, but you didn't like me that much. Like it was whatever it was. It was fine. I feel like I'm like a relationship counsellor on the radio at the moment. Yeah.

No, I'm still curious as to what the mindset was. Right. Look her up. Yeah. Chase her down. That's a good idea. Yeah. Do you look up – you'd look up old – not that she was a girlfriend,

but you'd look up old flames on Facebook or not? See, I'm young enough that like, like most of my flames I still have on Facebook and everything. Do you know what I mean? Like that's by the time I was like dating and hooking up and stuff, all of that stuff is like generationally like right in there. So there's no, you know, there's no forgotten, there's no forgotten past anymore. The days are gone of just like having an encounter with someone

and being like, well, that was nice. I'll never see that person again. Like I met someone at a party in Japan just recently and went and had dinner with him a couple nights later, had beers, had a really good time and we had each other on Facebook and he's from Melbourne. But it's like are we ever – you know what I mean? Like is there a need for us to be like have full access to each other's life?

Are we going to follow up on this ever again? Very rare for me to accept a friend request. Really? Yeah. And I – you know what? When I'm bored, when I'm sitting on a tram or something, I go through the list to try and delete 10. Really?

Get it down. Of the requests? No, no, no. Existing. Ah, interesting. I go through the list, try and delete 10. Really? Get it down. Of the requests? No, no, no. Existing. Ah, interesting. I need to do a cull. Yeah, I do. I need to announce that I'm doing a cull.

Yeah. And then I take a little break from social media and announce to everyone that I'm taking a bit of a break from social media. Yeah, no, I like a little mini cull. Just people I'm like, I don't remember adding you. I don't know who you are. This is a person I met once in Ballarat 15 years ago. I never do it because I've just got the worst luck with that stuff

where I know I would pick the people to delete who then I would run into a week later and they'd be like, so you fucking deleted me. You know what I mean? I would get the one freak that's actually across all that stuff and gives a flying fuck. Yeah, yeah. No, I try and pick – that's part of the art of it.

I try and pick the people that there's no consequences. I've unfollowed exes and then had them like not long after we've split up and then had them follow up and be like, why did you unfollow me? Why did you unfriend me? I'm like, take a fucking flying guess. What possible cause could I have? Yeah, I don't think I've ever really Had a good relationship with an ex Too much

I just mute people now Right It means you don't get to You don't have to see any of their shit Yeah You Avoid having to ever hear about it again It's a win-win

Right Anyway thanks Kate Thanks 10 Kate Thanks Thanks Who was it? Luke 10 Kate Yeah

Jeez We got a lot out of that. Yeah, we've got a heap out of that. Fuck, I feel like I've just had a shrink session. One third of his name. Thank you to, patron subscriber, Patrick Baker. Ooh. Like the man who threw bread rolls onto the ground.

Yes. And had me eating them with dirt going into my mouth and stomach. I thought you were going to say Patrick Bateman. That would have been great. American psycho style. Yeah. He's psycho for giving us money. He thought killing people and chopping them up was bad.

No. Well, it turns out he also subscribes to a Patreon. A true psycho. Patrick Baker. He's sure he's given us a lot of dough. Oh, very, very nice. Very good. See, some people would be thinking, is it worth me signing up and giving money to this patron?

Will it really be worth my while? What are they going to do with my name? And Patrick Baker is feeling pretty good about this business decision at the moment. He's hearing stuff that he never presumably has heard before in his life. He's like, oh, my God. How did they come up with that? He probably never even thought of his name being used in that context.

Yeah. Well, that's what you get when two professional comedians are let loose on your name. Yeah. Yeah, that's what we do. We take things that you normal people that, I don't know, what the fuck you do for a living, like nothing important obviously, and you don't think twice about the world you live in.

And then we come in with a sharp eye and we just flip things around on you we're agent smith we're in the matrix yeah we we see how it all works in the comedy matrix we're disrupting it you know we get it yep i would say something about the blue pill or something but i've never watched the matrix there's a hundred of us all making out with each other yeah yeah the matrix three i saw that but i didn't see the other ones. That's such a good story. Yeah. Patrick Baker.

Thanks, Patty. Thanks, Pat. Thanks, Patty B. Thank you, Patreon subscriber Dan Noonan. Noonan. N-U-N-A-N. Noonan. I recognise that name.

Do you? Yeah. He's a regular on the socials. Is he? Yeah. He's one of those guys who cuts through. What do you think of him? I like him. Oh, so you've got

positive... Positive connotations to that name. Right. So he likes getting on socials and you've never thought, what, I can't? No. This guy's contributing to the conversation. I'm enjoying it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wouldn't delete him off Facebook. I wouldn't add him, but I wouldn't delete him. I wouldn't add anyone. Yeah. You wouldn't add him on Facebook. I wouldn't add him, but I wouldn't delete him. I wouldn't add anyone. Yeah. Yeah. You wouldn't add anyone?

No. You were just expressing surprise when I said I don't like adding anyone. No, but I'm with you. I used to add anyone, and now I'm a lot more. Like, if I meet someone and get on with them, I'll add them. But, like, one just sort of showing up. Going interstate to do gigs and meeting comics from another state and then they're like, hey, anyway, let's be friends.

If anyone's got a microphone in their profile picture, they are not getting their request. What about a comedy gig poster as their profile pic? No. Anyone that has ever done or thought of comedy is not getting it. What about anyone that likes comedy? No. Good.

I only accept people who hate me Great What I do It's strict but it's very fair Yeah It's what you've got to do Yeah I think it's

You've got to look after yourself I think it keeps myself grounded Yeah I don't want any fawning fans or anything I just want people that want to kill me Yeah great Someone I've picked a fight with on social media Someone on Twitter

Some right wing crazy person who I've just gone And that's a big move, them sliding into the friend request over on Facebook. I do like that. Yeah. But, yeah, Danny Noonan. You know what? Try your luck on both of us.

Try and friend request us and, you know, if you've got a particularly good profile picture for the friend request, we'll look into it. Okay. Yeah, we'll confer into it. Okay. Yeah, we'll confer. Yeah. If you get onto us and you make up a special some sort of picture for us,

we'll grade it. Interesting. Yeah, have a mini meeting. Yeah. Look, you might get added to our friendship on Facebook, which means you can. It's exclusive. You can see some of my status updates like, hey, I'm running a gig tonight.

You should come along. Or I've got a spare ticket to sell to a show. Yep. All sorts of cool stuff that normal people don't get access to. Yeah, you could have seen me sharing a post by the police trying to catch some thugs who beat up a 65-year-old man near my house the other day. Yeah, right.

Absolutely sickening. Yeah. But you know what? You're sort of punishing the 65-year-old man. If Dan Noonan saw that, saw the crime itself, but didn't know who to contact. Interesting. He could have seen your link.

He didn't know there was an active shout-out by the police looking for intel. Yeah. Hmm, interesting. If he's friends with you. Yeah, if only. Well, now I just have to get the police looking for intel. Yeah. Hmm. Interesting. If only. Well, now I just have to get on Facebook and add everyone. I think so. Just so this never happens again.

Well, if you want violence to stop in this town, I would. Not all of it. Just some of it. Okay. Just the like near where I walk home. Yeah. I don't want it there. That's where I walk home too. Anywhere else I don't care.

I walk home there too. Hmm. Hmm. Yeah. Yeah. I don't want it there. That's where I walk home too. Anywhere else I don't care. I walk home there too. Yeah. Yeah. I'm against that too. Have we said that – we haven't said this on the show that you walk home past my house. Yes. And so most days I get a message and accompanying photo from Hugh that just says,

outside your house. And your wife got in on the act the other day when she was with you. Yes. Little guest star in there. Yes. I liked that. Great. You've got to do more of that.

Do more of Spice. Get some special guests in there. Just grab people who are out in the street and get them in the photo with you. All right. All right. We can start a little mural. I should start a gallery on the Facebook page of all the ones you've sent me. Just when I'm, yeah, just about to walk past an abortion clinic,

but just, yeah, not quite there yet. Well, thanks, Dan. Thanks, Danny. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. Now, this is a name I recognize from the socials. Interesting. Carl Chandler. No, that's, well, that's someone I'm friends with.

I did friend request everyone I could find on Facebook called Carl Chandler Yes And then I got bored with it and I unfriended them And then they sort of went oh what did you do that for And like friended me back Well you're a needy people But I was getting like a lot of messages meant for the other Carl Chandler as well Great

Yeah How many fucking requests for gigs do you think they get? Oh yeah wow How many times requests For gigs do you think they get? Oh yeah Wow How many How many times do they Yeah get messages going I've got your fucking phone number now

I'm gonna fucking ring you up Kill yourself you fucking idiot Yeah Yeah Thank you to Patreon I'm not voting for your fucking cat Thank you to Patreon subscriber Mietta Preston

Ah yes Yes yes You agree? Yeah I agree That's a familiar name. Yeah, right. Yeah. She's a regular on the socials, I believe.

I remember that name, Mieta. That's not a forgettable name, is it? Yeah. I think that was the name of a famous chef or something at some stage. Mieta? Something. I think you're thinking of Streets Veganetta, the ice cream dessert. Oh, that chefs make.

Yes. Right. The chefs down at the Streets Factory. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Head chef at the Streets Factory. The ice cream dessert. That chefs make. Yes. Right. The chefs down at the streets factory. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Head chef at the streets factory. Yeah. Streets.

Streets. Streets. Fuck. Imagine working in an ice cream company. Be good. Would it? I think it'd actually be quite shit. What do you think?

Here's the bigger question. What do you think happens at the ice cream factory? Well, you get free ice cream. That's your job. Do you think that's necessarily the case? Yes. Okay. Absolutely.

Okay. You would get free ice cream. You get some form of free ice cream. Okay. You'd have to. Okay. Do we have any ice cream factory workers? That's what we've got to find out.

There must be at least one person out there who works at Peter's or something. Yeah. It must be Paul. Are you out there? works at, you know, Peter's or something. Yeah. It must be Paul. Are you out there? The man who owns that ice cream? Yep. Or, yeah. Anyone that works on birthday cake ice creams.

Oh, yeah. Let us know. Does Barney Banana listen to this? Oh, yeah. Right. Does the Paddle Pop Lion himself? Dave Callen listens to this? Yep.

Yep. No. No. Is the answer to that one. Mietta. Cool name. Dave Callan. Yeah. No. No. Is the answer to that one. Mietta. Cool name. Very cool name. Ice Cream Factory Worker.

Where would that be if there was out of 100, what would you say that job rated? In terms of what? Like best job? Yeah. 100 being the best. One being the worst. 100 is the job? Yeah. Oh, man. A hundred being the best, one being the worst. A hundred is the best?

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I don't think it's a particularly great job. I don't think it would be particularly glamorous. And, I mean, if there is free ice cream, it's not something that I personally would be into. You don't like ice cream?

No. So that holds no sway with me whatsoever right so it would be in the bottom it would be in the bottom 20 the bottom 20 sorry that no the top well on your scale yeah the top 20 the bottom 20 percentile would you say yeah yeah yeah because you well if you don't like ice cream you're just working at a cold i'm just working in a factory and it's freezing yeah man don't don't like ice cream, you're just working at a cold workplace. I'm just working at a factory and it's freezing. Man, don't work there then. Well, I'm not going to. I'm just answering your question.

Thank you for taking my advice. Where would it be on your scale? 50 is the highest, 100 is the lowest, and 1 is the ones in the middle. Right. Okay. This is really confusing. Yeah, it is a bit like that, isn't it? It would be in the top, surely in the top 25%.

Okay. So awful. The worst thing you can think of doing. No, no, no. That's not how that works. Yeah, it is. Ones in the middle. Oh, fuck.

This is the worst job. Don't decipher this. Ah, so it's number 70. Right, right, right. Yeah, you get it. Thanks, Mietta. Thanks, Mietta. All right.

Time to wrap this thing up with one more name. This is six. That's what we said we were going to do at the top. No, no, no. I said five. I have to pull you up there. You've got your numbers and percentiles wrong. Exactly.

That's what I meant. Oh, okay. Right. Okay. Right. One more hit of the button, as they say in the classics. Yes. This podcast.

Yeah. Yeah. The classic podcast of us. Yeah. Well, this is the classic. This is an instant classic because I think that's the first time I've ever said that. So, yeah. Thank you to Patreon subscriber.

Okay. It's that far-right brow that I see so often. I know. Well, it's just – that's what I do when I'm trying to work something out. Yes. No, no, no. I see that. I feel like at least once a week.

Right. Yeah. Well, sometimes I have to do that because I don't want to just say something straight away. I need to calculate it in my brain. Right. I need to not make a fool of myself do that because I don't want to just say something straight away. I need to calculate it in my brain. Right. Not make a fool of myself. Well, I don't know.

You're just looking at a name. I don't see what there is to really calculate. Well, you've got to – There's no maths involved. You're trying to understand why, the reason behind someone has made this decision or the pronunciation or – You don't need to understand the reason. You just need to say the name. Well, I'm trying to figure out whether there's been a malfunction maybe in the machine or something.

Right. Because it's such an unusual thing to look at at the moment. Well, you know, but I mean, this is the thing is that, you know, you don't need to furrow your brow. I'm happy to share the workload. I'm happy to work through this with you. Okay. But I can't do that if you're not going to say the name. I feel like I don't like to bring my problems home with you, you know.

I don't want you to worry about this, while you're pretty little head about this sort of stuff. I'm happy to take this for both of us. Right. Well, that's very generous of you. But, I mean, I feel bad that you're kind of suffering alone through this in silence. I mean, I wish people could see that brow. It is so furrowed. Yeah.

Yeah. Look, you're true. What you say is absolutely correct. But it's giving me an ulcer. Yeah. Right. Well, that's no giving me an ulcer. Yeah, right. Well, that's no good. Yeah, it's really not good. We have a terrible healthcare plan on this podcast as well.

Yeah. Look, the best thing I can do is get it out. It's better out than in, as they say. Yeah, in the classics. In the classics. In this classic episode. In this instant classic episode. All right.

I'll have a go. Here we go. Thank you. I'm looking forward to hearing it and being able to help you through this. I'll have a go. Here we go. Thank you. Looking forward to hearing it and being able to help you through this. I'm here for you. I'm here to share the workload. Just saying it doesn't help enough. You don't even need to hear it.

You can block your ears if you want. It doesn't really matter. Well, thank you for offering that to me. I'm going to leave them wide open so that I can hear the name that you're about to say. Well, that's good. I like that someone appreciates my work. Thank you. Thank to say. Okay. Well, that's good. I like that someone appreciates my work. Thank you. Thank you to Patreon subscriber.

Now, let me see if I'm pronouncing this correctly. It's all happening again. Yeah. Well, I've just… I told you. Just get it out and share the workload. I'm trying to. Look, these people put their money in and I don't want to…

And this is their one payoff where I read the name out and then if I mispronounce it it's like what a waste what's the point yeah yeah yeah okay well take all the time you need i'm not even here i feel like i'm at a spelling bee and i'm trying to you know we'll spell it out if you think that would help there's a lot of letters thank you to patreon subscriber applause cat food face of candidate vote for crunchy. Comedy. It's like that very last word there was an afterthought.

It's almost like the surname was there like – was there four dots? Was there an ellipsis? I just took a little break because I finally got through that first name. You're right. That is. So first name, applause cat food. What? Candidate.

Candidate. Vote for. Vote for. Crunchy. Crunchy. Comedy. Comedy. Right.

Okay. Wow, that is a mouthful. It sure is. You can see why I was acting the way I was before now. Right. And that's all one word. Yes. Right.

I see now why it took you so long to work out how to pronounce it. Yeah. You've done a pretty great job. Thanks, man. Well, who knows? I mean, that could be pronounced completely differently. It could be very racially insensitive the way you're pronouncing it. Yeah.

It could be silent letters in there. But look, let us know if that's not how to pronounce it. Yeah, if that's you. I've had a good go. Yeah. Yeah. How much money have they put in? $69.

Interesting. Yeah, I guess so. And let us know if I pronounced that last name correctly as well. Yeah, yeah. Comedy. Interesting. Comedie or? Comedy.

I've heard that before. Comedy, maybe. Comedy. Comedy. No, I've actually heard of that name before. What, the first name? No, no, no, the last name. Comedy. Which, what do you mean? It's a brand of cat food.

Oh, comedy is a brand of Comedy cat food. Yeah. Fuck, that would be good. Yeah. Would you buy a brand of cat food called comedy cat food? I don't have a cat, so absolutely not. Right, well that's, man, you are. Waste of money. You. Well that's man you are waste of money. You're very smart

with your absolute waste of money. Smart with your dollars so I can I can see why you've got this lovely place you're not wasting money. You know I'm smart

I'm smart with my expenditure. Yeah. You know don't buy food don't buy food specifically for an animal that I don't own. Yeah.

It's pretty easy guys take it from me the barefoot investor. Yeah. Here's a tip for you barefoot investor put some fucking shoes on. He's pretty easy, guys. Take it from me, the barefoot investor. Here's a tip for you, barefoot investor. Put some fucking shoes on. He's going to be spending money on fixing up your feet when you step on something. Fuck.

That's his only financial tip. Just donate shoes, guys. That's a waste of $100 a year. Why does he not have shoes on? Yeah, I don't know. I'm going to look this cunt up. What's the story of that? I don't really know anything about this guy. The barefoot investor. That sounds like that's a lot of not like, it's a very big lack of common sense.

Yeah. I don't trust anyone with no shoes on. The people you see with no shoes on more commonly are homeless people. And if they tell me to buy a certain stock, I generally don't listen to them. So I'm having a hard time working out what this cunt's about. How do you look up why you called that? Google, why doesn't that cunt that tells everyone what to buy

have any fucking shoes on? Why is – this seems like one of those things where it's like everyone listening – you know what I mean? There's like a very well-known story about this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why is he – there we go. Why is he called the Barefoot Investor? Right.

It just links to his fucking books. Here's his Wikipedia. Okay. This has got to be it. Barefoot Investor. This has got to be it. Barefoot Investor. Now, I would guess it's because – I don't know.

There's like – Tim Minchin. Tim Minchin doesn't wear shoes on stage, does he? He's got a lot of money. Is that why? Yeah, I guess. Yeah. Do you have to pay like a shoe tax when you perform in venues? Yeah.

Or is that – Scott Pape. Yeah. Korea. Is that the barefoot investor? Is that his number one – was that his number one column advice, the first one he ever did? You know how you usually spend $150 on a pair of sweet new Nikes?

Well, take that money, put it in Coca-Cola Amatil and watch your fucking stocks rise. I can't find any. This cunt's hiding something. It is pretty hard. I couldn't find anything about what it was. You know what I think it is? It's, you know what?

Shoes depreciate immediately. They're like a new car. You take them out of the store room. You've knocked them. Boom. Yeah. You can't get a better price from them than what you paid for them. Good pair of new shoes though.

Oh, it's a good feeling. Yeah. That first week when you're still breaking them in, fuck, it feels good. Not that this idiot would know anything about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking moron. Yeah. Fucking getting his feet all cut up and shit.

Get the fuck out of here. Yeah. Telling me what to do with my money. Barefoot investor, more like the barefoot inbreeder or something. More like fucking – more like I can't bear to hear what you've got to say, you fucking rube. Yeah. How about you fucking – how about I put my barefoot up your bare ass? How about How about you fucking How about I put my bare foot up

You bare ass How about that Yeah Yeah Well it'd feel Got him Probably feel better than all the splinters Going into his toes

A fucking idiot Yes Go off Let's pick an online feud with the bare Let's see how far we can get With picking an online fight With a barefoot investor If it'll ever get back to him

If he'll come after us. He's on my enemy list now. All right. Fuck that guy. Should we make an, let's make an official Dumb Dumb Club enemy list. That's good. Yeah. Yeah.

Number one. Let's try and get involved in like a big scale online celebrity feud. I just want to make it, make clear who our enemies are. So let's, let's number one on the list. Barefoot investor. Barefoot investor. Yeah. Enemy. Yeah. Official enemy of the show. Yeah. And there's, number one on the list, Barefoot Investor. Yeah.

Enemy. Yeah. Official enemy of the show. Yeah. And there's plenty more to come, guys. There's plenty more to come. We'll add a new, let's add a new enemy every week.

All right. Good. Finally. Finally doing something on the show I believe in. Making enemies. Enough saying thanks to people. Yeah. So we say thanks to five Patreon subscribers.

Yeah. And then, because we need more stuff to do on this show. Yeah. We need more. We need these recordings to take longer. Yeah. We need my cat or any relation to it to be the face of a cat food. Yep. And we need to make clear to all the listeners who we hate.

Yep. And we need to online bully the barefoot investor into killing himself. Yeah. Yeah, we need him to invest in stocks in the bottom of the fucking river underneath the Westgate Bridge. Buy a noose. Yeah. All right.

Well, thanks. Thanks. Applause. Cat food. Candidate Crunchy The cat Vote one Comedy

Comedy Yeah Please a little respect For someone that's Putting in $69 To their coffers Every week LittleDumbDumbClub.com

If you would like to Support the show We really appreciate it Guys you can also Find the links to all The live shows we have Coming up They are going to be

Heaps of fun Guys thanks very much For joining us And we'll see you next time See you mates