The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 415 - Greg Larsen & Mike Goldstein

Episode Date: September 19, 2018

We're on the campaign trail this week as GREG LARSEN and MIKE GOLDSTEIN join us to discuss Crunchie's potential future as a brand ambassador for a fancy cat food. We also talk Goldstein through the reasons we won't be appearing on his podcast, hear about Chandler eating ice-cream for breakfast, one of Tommy's shameful secrets goes public PLUS a remarkably weird thing happens LIVE ON THE AIR!Don't forget, we have a bunch of huge live shows coming up:BRISBANE: We're heading back to do our 2018 stand-up shows back-to-back PLUS a huge live podcast! OCTOBER 21.MELBOURNE: We're doing a huge live episode PLUS a roast! OCTOBER 27.PERTH: We're heading back for our annual huge day of stand-up and podcasting! NOVEMBER 18. For tickets, merchandise, links to our Patreon and heaps of other stuff, head to our website: littledumdumclub.com  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Greg Larson and Mike Goldstein. First of all though, we've got to let you know about a few dates that we have coming up, some live podcasts and whatnot. Where you can see us live, we are going to be in Brisbane, October the 21st at the Triffid, 1pm. It's going to be a huge show with us doing our recent solo stand-up shows plus a huge live podcast with some special guests. And we've just said this week we're going to do a little extra something,

something at the end of that. Well, yeah, there's a little bonus thing that is going to be very nice. I think a very, very cool little idea. Anyway, the very next week after that, we are doing our live Adelaide podcast in Melbourne. So, Saturday, October the 27th at 8pm, we are doing a huge live podcast situated

inside the city of Melbourne, but it's going to be an Adelaide podcast. Plus, we are adding a big roast, unrecorded, live roast after that. So, two massive shows. You've got to be there to see the roast. You won't hear roast after that. So two massive shows. You've got to be there to see the roast. You won't hear it anywhere else.

In the one ticket, we should say. Two shows for the price of one. Then in November, November the 18th, we are in Perth at the Comedy Lounge in the middle of the city. That's going to be heaps of fun. Again, a big afternoon where we're doing our solo shows and we are doing a huge live podcast, bringing over a bunch of special guests,

a bunch of fan favourites who have never been to Perth with us before. That's it. Maybe one of the best lineups we've had over there. Yeah. No, Perth and Brisbane were definitely bringing great guests from Melbourne to your little towns. So appreciate that and get a ticket. Yep.

Okay. LittleDumbDumbClub.com is where you can find those tickets. You can also support the show on Patreon. If you would like to do so, it's very much appreciated by us. Appreciate that and get a ticket. Yep. Okay, littledumbdumbclub.com is where you can find those tickets. You can also support the show on Patreon. If you would like to do so, it's very much appreciated by us. You get a bunch of rewards. We are going to be back at the end of the episode to talk to you a little bit more about that. But until then, enjoy this great new episode with Greg Larson and Mike Goldstein.

Hey, mates. Welcome into another episode of the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo and sitting opposite me is the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. Let's get our guests in. Let's get stuck straight into it. They both have not been on the show for quite a while. It's Greg Larson and Mike Goldstein.

Hey, guys. Welcome back. It's Greg Larson and Mike Goldstein. Hey, guys. Welcome back. It's people at two ends of their career. Greg's just finished Tonightly on the ABC, and Mike Goldstein just started a podcast. That's it. Look at this. It's the full spectrum.

Are you getting in the podcast game? Man, I'm right in it now. Yeah, yeah. What's your podcast? Look at fucking Big Bucks ABC over here. Fired from the ABC and still finds a podcast pathetic. Look at Mr. Cum laughing at someone having a podcast.

I like how he's going, he's got a podcast while he's on a podcast. Can I get on with that? Yeah, of course. Yeah, you could do it. But it's with Nick Capper and me and we go through each other's phones. So it's one of the most fucked.

The title Worst Idea of All Time was already taken. So we couldn't do that. When you say, like, you say you look through each other's phones, you just hand over each other's phones. Yeah. And you go through them. Well, we spin a wheel and it decides whether you go through draft tweets.

You spin a wheel? Yeah. It's an app on the phone. You've got a wheel app? Yeah. What a world. Wait, how are you more impressed by a wheel app than when you thought it was an actual wheel that they built?

We should have an actual wheel. That's in the pipeline it was an actual wheel that they built. Yeah. We should have an actual wheel. Yeah. That's in the pipeline. Oh, dude, that would be amazing. What do you need a wheel app for? To decide what we look through. No, no, but they didn't create it for your podcast. Like, this is just a general wheel.

Yeah, just so people can decide on shit in their day-to-day lives. So what, it's an app where you can, like, choose what each of the, like, eight segments or whatever is and then it all... Yeah, you punch it in and it spins. You can customise the wheel. You can. You can say, like, oh, like, if...

You could make it a dinner wheel, so you could go, I want a curry, I want a sushi. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In that wheel. It's weird how your mind drifted to that very quickly. So you're in the pantry, you've got ingredients for, like, eight separate dishes and then the wheel just decides what you're going to cook.

It could be a dinner wheel. Yeah. gonna i'm gonna look into this this wheel app we gotta get a wheel on this show by the way it feels like uh fucking we're jimmy fallon and we've just had a guest on and our guest is fucking jay leno and we've just talked about his show for the first 10 minutes i'm fine with that well i mean i I really love this idea. I am terrified by the idea of what you would find on Nick Capper's phone. Well, this is the thing. His search history has been a walk down masturbation lane. Which who the fuck looks at their porn on their phone?

Yeah. He's just, but what had happened was his laptop. Yeah, you know who does. Someone who can't afford a laptop yeah you know who does someone who can't afford a laptop of course but he's so dumb his laptop syncs up with his phone so what he looks on his laptop the history syncs up with his great oh well so it's just like it's just everything and he just leaves it up there how is he not clearing his history given the subject of your podcast how is he not just using a burner every subject of your podcast? How is he not just

using a burner every episode? Well, this is what he said. Now he's started going incognito. Nice. Yeah. He's figured it out. So now he's escaped. But the first few episodes, man, was just like, I felt gross holding his phone. I like the idea too

that he hasn't fully understood incognito and he's just wearing a trench coat. He's got a hoodie on. He's just dressed like Carmen Sandiego while he's beating off. He's put a band-aid on the top of his phone that says John. Could be anyone's phone. Because, Greg, you're not on Facebook anymore, so you wouldn't have seen any of this,

but that's the podcast is they go through each other's social media and post status updates from each other's accounts. Well, that's it. So before anyone knew that they were doing the podcast, there was like a month where it's like your lives were being ruined. And now that everyone knows that you, because you got engaged recently, Mike. Correct. Congratulations. Congratulations. Thanks, guys. But I think a lot of people

saw that and went, good one, Kappa. Well, that's the thing. I had to have my fiance do the post because if I did it, people would have thought it was bullshit. And then I had to put the first do the post because if I did it people would have thought it was bullshit and then I had to put the first comment not capper right so like it's totally infiltrated

every aspect of my god damn life when you propose to your girlfriend is that what you said not capper will you make me the happiest man on planet earth when you actually get married you're going to have to have Will you make me the happiest man on planet Earth? When you actually get married, you're going to have to have Nick Capa up on stage just to prove that he's not you in disguise.

I now pronounce you husband and not Capa. Oh, fuck. You may now 69 the bride. Holy shit. Oh, my god. I talked about this on a recent episode, but it happened again since then. Kappa asked me to come on this week.

I don't want to. I'm never doing it. I'm not giving you my fucking phone. Are you running for office? What are you worried is going to happen? There's honestly... So the spin of the wheel decides what we look at. Now that I know there's a wheel, I'm interested.

We're well aware of the wheel's work. You just found out about the wheel. But like, it's either notes, draft tweets, camera roll, or search history, right? And then it's the guest ultimately... I know, that's the thing. So the guest ultimately decides whether they don't want it talked about.

And so, you know, it's up to the discretion of who's on. Right. And so there's shit we've had to edit and censor out. And so if anything that's even remotely damaging, you know, can be dropped. But with Kappa and I, you know, we're generally fair game and we'll just, like, bring anything up. And the shit that I've posted on his social media, I feel like I'm way better at

it than he is because he'll just like post on mine you're better at kappa than something what a bold claim i know that's so good they should be saying you wear deodorant all right well that was one of the posts i made him do is that i made him say stop making fun of me for my bo i've tried everything uh. I did see that one. That's what I'm talking about. This was before people knew you had a podcast. And Chandler sent it to me and went, geez, I think we'd better lay off.

Yeah. And then the shit he'll post on mine, it'll just be, oh, he posted like RIP dad. Fuck. I love how harsh of a podcast is where someone's going, check out this idiot. All he said was my dad's dead. What a fucking pussy.

What a dumbass. My dad's been dead for years. There was another one that he put on your page that was something like, I'm quitting comedy and going back to being a lawyer. Yeah. Yeah. Gotcha. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Gotcha. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Congratulations. I know. Finally. Escape.

Yeah. The wheel really dealt you a good amount. Oh, man. But then I had to go to a wedding that weekend back in Perth and when I was there, people were like, oh, so finally going back into law, are we? Like, you've finally given it up, you know? And I'm like, yeah, so finally going back into law, are we? Like you're finally giving it up, you know? I'm like, yeah, God damn it.

You know, like fucking it shows really who your friends are and what people actually think of the stupid shit I'm doing. Totally, yeah. What people will buy. I think the only, because I was thinking about this then, the only thing in my phone, I mean, there's heaps of horrendous stuff in my phone, but the only thing I'm genuinely wondering about, this has been sitting in my phone i mean there's heaps of horrendous stuff in my phone but yeah the only thing i'm genuinely wondering about this has been sitting in my head for years is i've got someone's

uh details in my phone but i've obviously taken down their number when i've been drunk and then i haven't known their name yeah and so i've put idiot in the phone so for years in my phone i've just someone got someone called idiot and I've always wondered who they are. Wow. Call them right now. Yeah. Maybe I should text them right now and see if I get a response. Do it.

By the end of the episode. I've got heaps of those in my phone, just like people you've met, you know, drunk one night. You have no idea. First name or people from a dating app or something. I feel like with you guys, the worst thing would be screenshots. Oh, big time. Yeah.

Yeah, big time. But again, like if it came up on the podcast, we would just cut it. You go, yeah, can't talk about that. But who doesn't? Like what comedian doesn't have a fucking folders and folders full of screenshots in the camera roll? See, I think that's why I'd be no good on this show

because if you'd looked at my camera roll, it'd just be photos of me helping sick kids, volunteering in villages and stuff. There's nothing, you know. Your notes app is just like ways to make the world better. Some brainstorming ideas. Well, to be fair, if you went on the podcast, you could add another photo because you could get a photo of you and Kappa.

Where are you going? I've got to let my cat in. Oh, okay. We're recording at my house and my cat's wanting to get in. This is a regular feature Of the podcast now guys Oh yeah The cat just comes in and out And

Look this is good Because the cat's Actually Hanging around you guys And is interested Friendly There was a There was a baby

Come into this house The other day And the cat Went fucking Insane I've never seen an animal Go so fucking crazy And it went like

It went like Karen Silkwood In that movie And just went into the shower and sat there and would not move and went just like into a coma. Oh, wow. You've trained it to hate babies. It just hasn't seen anything of that shape before, of that size. So they can share with something between 5'5 and 6'5,

but nothing of like 2'. Remember the first time I went and saw my friends, like one, I think the kid was like maybe one and a half, nearly two. And like he went and got him out of bed and then saw me and started, the kid saw me and started crying. And my friend was like, oh, he just gets, he just gets really scared around guys with beards. How does he, you know what I mean?

Like how do you fucking work that out at that young of an age that you hate beards? Yeah, how do you focus in on that? Yeah. What's happened to your son already? Yeah.

Oh, your dad's got a beard? Oh, this is interesting. What happened there? Old Uncle Touchy has a beard. Yeah. I am,

I was at a, I was at the New Zealand ice cream company. Is that, what was that? The name of the brand? Yeah, New Zealand ice cream.. Was that the name of the brand? Yeah, New Zealand ice cream. It sucks. Does it suck? Do you think it sucks?

Oh, no. It's like I feel like in the 90s people would have gone, oh, yeah, New Zealand ice cream. This is exotic. Yeah, exactly. It's like coffee club. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to love coffee club.

Yeah, me too. Paying $30 for a club sandwich. It's good shit. Yeah, but I was looking at the signage and it's like, oh yeah, it's imported from New Zealand. It's like, fucking who cares? Since when was New Zealand known for the king of ice cream? Don't you think of Sweden or Switzerland or something like that?

Not fucking New Zealand. And also, isn't that, it seems like a thing that's like, why are you shipping huge tubs of ice cream over from New Zealand? Isn't it? Shouldn't all ice cream be made in Australia or something? Shouldn't they just send over the... Only Australian made products. Australian made people. Just keep it Aussie.

It just seems like a lot of wastage anyway. So New Zealand ice cream is not making Greg's wheel of ice cream. Absolutely not. So I was there and there You sound like Bill Ma Just going on a real political rant at the moment He's got 20 minutes of ice cream Pretty hot take

So I was there and I was waiting behind someone And the people I was waiting behind Was this guy They've got a stall at Flinders Street Station Which is the worst place to put anything And the best place to observe people. So I was there and there was a guy and a lady in front of me and the guy was like fucked.

He was like a typical train station person. But then the person next to him. The person next to him. From the guy buying ice cream next to the tracks. By the way, this is at 9.30am. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is on the way to work. A number of your stories where you're describing people around you

and it's like, no, that's you. You don't understand. You're in this mob. Yeah, yeah. So check out this idiot buying ice cream. Oh, this is actually a nice jock chip. Two scoops of bubble gum, please. So this guy, he's there with this lady and I'm like, oh, what's he there with?

She's a bit older. And then I go, oh, he's got his mum buying ice cream for him. Sick. And then, well, you'd like that. But anyway. Who wouldn't? Free ice cream. So then I start listening to the conversation and it's literally him going, oh, no, come on.

I've been clean for four days now. I've been clean for four days now. I've been clean for four days. And she goes, okay, I'll buy you the boysenberry thick shake. He got a free boysenberry thick shake for not being on heroin for four days. I'm going to get addicted to heroin just so I can get off it and get all the boysenberry I want. I love boysenberry. I'm digging this guy's style.

It's one of my favourite flavours. I love it. And the end of this story is, of course, he relapsed immediately. There's no incentive. If she'd gone, you make it to two months and then you can get a boysenberry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're right because four days is not enough, is it? Yeah.

He's probably still getting it out of his system. Well, if he only has to go four days to get a boysenberry, he can just like get the boysenberry. Do not go to the New Zealand ice cream rehab, by the way. Get the boysenberry, shoot up, hold out for four days, another free boysenberry, shoot up. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You ride the hype because – and that's the great – that's the real sort of – I don't know what the word is. You have the boysenberry. After you've had four days clean, you're like, oh, fuck, I really need some help. The boysenberry really helps. But then the heroin is just that much better than boysenberry. It's just like boysenberry is like half heroin.

It's edging. Yeah, and you get up there. But if you did it the other way, if you had the heroin and then the boysenberry, that's a step down. That's not good. What's the clinic? What do you call it? Methadone. Methadone, yeah. So boysenberry is like a methadone. Yeah, exactly good. You want to go. What's the clinic? What do you call it? What's the clinic? Methadone. Methadone.

Yeah, yeah. So boysenberry is like a methadone. Yeah, exactly. It's like. A boysenberry clinic. Yeah. I view it more as like you're holding out to get that sweet hit of the boysenberry milkshake. Yeah.

And then, you know, your heroin is just your little chaser. It's your little palate cleanser afterwards. Boysenberry with a heroin chaser. Can I point this out too? I don't know. a cleanser afterwards. A boysenberry with a heroin joke. Can I point this out too? I don't know.

This feels like the topic of many a hack joke, but I've also never heard this ever. Okay. But boysenberry, like have people talked about the fact that what is a boysenberry? No. What is it? Like have you ever seen a boysenberry outside of the ice cream context?

Yeah, I've never heard of backpackers coming to Australia to pick boysenberries. Yeah, I've never even heard of a boysenberry. I've never heard someone say boysenberry without saying ice cream. Yes. No, you're right, actually. Yeah. I like that Greg thinks, oh, he's a hack topic for boysenberries.

Well, I don't know. It's one of those things that immediately I think, oh, surely someone's got a bit about this. Why don't they make the whole plan out of the boysenberry? Why don't they have the boysenberry memorial pool in Melbourne I've seen this in a Greg Larson routine

in about a month yeah oh yeah if I get around yeah this is just this is Greg's open mic right now yeah

just putting out the feelers but do you think it's like this guy's actually he's hooked on the boysenberry and the heroin he just said if he does the heroin but then doesn't do it for four days that means he the boysenberry and the heroin, he just said, if he does the heroin but then doesn't do it

for four days, that means he gets boysenberry. Do you know what I'm saying? So, the heroin is just a conduit to him getting the boysenberry. Yeah. He's only doing it

so that he can not do it for four days to then get the boysenberry. Because heroin's probably cheaper than boysenberry. It might be. I want to say, if that man is listening,

heroin is not the right way to get boysenberry. There are other options available to you to get boysenberry ice cream that don't involve killing yourself with heroin. Anyway, it was just nice to finally meet Fleety's mum. Nice. Nice. So what did you get? Always get the chocolate fudge.

You got a choc fudge and then followed it up with some crack. 9.30am choc fudge. You got a choc fudge and then followed it up with some crack. 9.30 a.m. choc fudge. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Not my finest moment. I was off sugar for a while and then I'm straight back on it. It's crazy. I love this because you'll make these big diet proclamations like,

I'm off bread. But then you'll do that for like a month and then just go back to just eating in the most ridiculous schedule and the most fucked things. That's a bad example because I was off bread for like eight months. So I've been very strong with that. Yeah. But then you stuck a baguette up your ass immediately after you finished. I stuck a boysenberry baguette up my ass.

So, no, but sugar was hard. I never said I was going to be ages for sugar because I fucking love sugar. But I did like two weeks off sugar. Okay. Yeah. But then, yeah, I do understand that it's like I sugar but i did like two weeks off sugar so yeah but then yeah i i do understand it's like i'll check it out two weeks off sugar and now um fucking bubble gum ice cream for breakfast 3 a.m yeah yeah you're saying it like two weeks off sugar like it's heroin you know man but it is it's like there's so much sugar in everything and

and yeah i love i love my treats i love my little snacks yeah that's why did he mainline the boysenberry uh man i didn't stick around i have to say yeah i should have stuck around but uh yeah i didn't but um hey my cat's hanging around here at the moment um like we talked about before so uh i've been talking we we talked very briefly last week on the uh the end of the episode about this but i have entered uh my cat, Crunchy, that you guys can see here, into a cat food competition. Yeah. So the competition is – It makes it sound like the prize is her being ground up.

Yeah. It does sound like what it is. Yeah. If she wins, God willing. So she's an entrant to be the face of a cat food called Applause, which is a weird name, I think. Applause. But it's like supposed to be a pun.

Yeah. Like a pause. Yeah, it's spelled A-double-T-L-A-W-S. Yeah, something like that. So anyway, so I entered last week. We talked about it on the show. Within a couple of days, she's got like a couple thousand votes and whatever. So going really well.

So guys, get out there and vote because if you listen to this as it comes out, there's a couple of days left and we really want her to win. I do. I don't know about Tommy. Tommy will go along with it. I don't really have a horse in the race. It'd be good for the podcast. Exactly.

Or a cat in the race. Oh, very nice. That's a cat meow. Very nice. Spin that wheel. You didn't think to check if that one was a hack bit that someone found? No, I feel confident that it was not. Just go right in there.

I don't think anyone's ever said you've got a cat in the race before. Yeah, that's fair. So I entered the cat because we got to the end of the episode and my original plan I was going to enter Crunchy's brother Jack in there. And then, look,

the voice of reason, Tommy Daslow, pointed out that it was much more interesting to have my own cat in there. Yeah, the discussion was I'm going to vote for Crunchy's brother. Let's get everyone to vote for Crunchy's brother. And I go, how did Crunchy's brother end up in this race?

And you said, oh, just because anyone can just enter any pet that they have. And I go, well, whyy's brother end up in this race? And you said, oh, just because anyone can just enter any pet that they have. And I go, well, why wouldn't you just enter your own cat instead of getting people to vote for a cat that looks the same as your cat? And you went, that actually does make a lot more sense. Yeah, so we did that. So it's a joint partnership idea, really. It's a two-parter. So I went home straight away and I got a picture of Crunchy and I put her online in this competition.

I got a picture of Crunchy and I put her online in this competition. And the picture I chose because I was thinking I want a photo that's like funny, sort of slightly funny or something interesting. You've got to stick out. Yeah, I'll stick out. And I'm marketing it basically to people that listen to this podcast. So they don't just have a normal nice portrait. So I looked through my phone as you would do in your podcast.

Yep. Except I was trying to do something positive. And I had a picture of my cat just hanging out in a box. And in that box that we're in front of right now. And so she's just sort of sitting there with a sort of poor, like, sort of, she looks like a person the way she's sitting. And it's like, it's pretty cute. Yeah. She's in this box. And then I uploaded it.

And then I showed my wife and said said oh i've entered crunchy into the competition and she went fucking ballistic she went fucking crazy and we had a proper argument a full-on argument that lasted for days that went on for days because she saw the picture and she goes you've made our cat look poor lives in a box it looks like it's living in a box. People are going to think our cat is poor. It's the capper of cats. Our cat looks like it's wanting boysenberry. Of all the things I thought the argument was going to be about,

that's the funniest. Yeah. I thought your address would be on the box or something. Yeah, there's an unidentifiable feature. Because there's, like, stains on the box as well. So she's like, people are going to wonder what those stains are for. And it's like. That dirty box. Yeah, that's a raggedy ass box.

People are going to think that I've been standing above the cat jerking off and it's gone under the box instead. The best bit is that's the box that our T-shirts got delivered in. That's the first thing they'll think, isn't it? When they see that photo, it's like, I think a man's been jerking off over that cat. Some man. Some untrustworthy man. I'm sure this argument wasn't helped by the fact that

as you were having the argument, you were relaying it to me on Facebook Messenger going, ha, ha, ha, she's so angry. But full on, I thought it would stop, and then she'd just arc up again and go, I can't believe you've done this. Why would you do this? And she wasn't trying to be funny.

No, no, no. There was no funny. Genuine anger. Genuine anger. It was rare. You sleeping in the box because of the photo of the box. And I do a lot of fuck stuff and she doesn't get angry. She's very nice and if I do fuck stuff, she's like,

well, I understand you're going to do that sort of stuff. But with this, she's like, this is the line in the sand. You don't make our cat look poor to thousands of people out there. And that's fair. You've had it too good for too long. Yes. You've been getting away scot-free. Yes, I have been.

What did she want? Did she want it on a gold throne or a lazy boy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like on a couch or on something. Eating smashed avocado. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like on a couch or on something. Eating smashed avocado. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's funny to me that the cat looks poor. Not you.

No. It's not a reflection. Yes, exactly. You guys are doing quite well, but the cat itself, he's got no income. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We don't want to embarrass the cat. We're not. Sure, the cat lives here, but we're not supporting the cat.

So, yeah so it has to get its own home within our home. So she got very mad at that but then she... And also, but the other side of this is, so you've dug your heels in on this. So she wants the photo to change. Just change the photo. Well, that's

the thing. That's what she also got mad at because she's getting mad and yelling at me for that and I'm finding it very funny and laughing as she's yelling at me yes which is making her yell more yes and i'm on facebook saying tommy i can't check this out she's getting really mad she's still mad she's actually still mad tommy so uh she's she's not happy with that but then she got madder again because uh what I found out was, and I think we talked about this, the only reason I know about this competition is because the owner of Jack is the breeder. So Jack is the brother of Crunchy.

The breeder has kept, like, the best-looking cat or whatever, I guess. I guess that's the idea. Get out of it. Because the cat Jack is now being entered in cat shows and stuff like that. Don't drink my water. Get out. Crunchy. So, Ben, you guys are definitely like that. Don't drink my water. Get out. Crunchy. So, man, you guys are definitely not babies.

This is one way to find this out. So the breeder has sent us the link and gone, hey, check it out. Vote for Jack in this cat food competition. And Jack could become the face of this cat food. And I've gone, fucking now Crunchy's going to be the face. So then Diane got really scared going, shit, the owner's going to find out that we're going to steal this title away from Jack

and she's going to get fucking furious at us. So you've fucked everything for us now. And I'm like, who cares? And also by then I'm like, Crunchy's got a thousand votes and Jack's got 12. Don't worry about it. It's so poor it's trying to scab our water and coffee right now. It's drinking it now.

I can't drink out of that cat. Yeah. So you can see how many votes all of the cats have. Yes. Right. And you can see their photos are all public. Yes. Yeah.

Everything's public. Play up that angle. Say if you vote for this cat, help it find a new home. I did. I put in the little caption. I said, this is our cat. She lives find a new home i i did i put in the little caption i said this is our cat he leaves she lives in a box and if you vote for it i will buy her a new three uh bedroom weatherboard house there you go there's my little joke good stuff yeah so she's that hack has someone done

a bit about that so yeah she's on about so how are we going In the race Yeah crazily great Like so She's like As we speak right now As At the moment of recording I think she's nearly on

2000 or something like that Right So And the only other competition Is heaps of cats That are on like one vote And two votes And whatever

But then there's like Then there's like A blind cat That's on You know 1500 or 2000 Because it's like You know Oh check's on, you know, $1,500 or $2,000 or whatever because it's like, you know, oh, check it out.

It's like fucking Australian Idol or whatever. You've got your little angle. Oh, nice one. Give me a break. Guys, you're not going to put a blind cat on a cat food tin. It's just not going to happen. That's not going to move units. There's not a lot of diversity on cat food tins.

I don't know, man. A cat on a tin wearing a pair of those sunglasses That's pretty cool Oh sure, sure I agree with that But the cat that they've put up there has got his eyes stitched closed Oh no You don't want a cat out of store On your fucking cat food

No one is ever going to make the decision To buy a cat food Where the cat's eyes are stitched. That's great. That's so good. Put an eye

patch on it. Can you have two eye patches on one cat? Oh man, that's it. I'm sorry, I'm changing my vote. I want this punished crunchy to be on the fucking cover. Don sorry. I'm changing my vote. I want this punished Crunchy to be on the fucking cover. Don't. You've got to vote. I bet you you haven't voted for Crunchy.

I did vote. Yeah. Of course I voted. Oh, okay. No, but that's great for you to say, of course I voted. Yeah. Because just before the Logies came on this year when Dilwick was going to win, I go, oh, you voted for Dil and you guys, fuck no.

You didn't even vote for him. I didn't say fuck no. Oh, sorry. No. Yes. Thank you. Yeah, no, I forgot for Dil and he goes, fuck no. You didn't even vote for him. I didn't say fuck no. Oh, sorry, no. Yes, thank you. Yeah, no, I forgot. I forgot to vote. Great. I'm very glad that Crunchy's more important to you than Dil is.

Yeah. I'm happy to say that. Someone you're allergic to is more important to you. Yeah, that's what, Dil? Yeah. You can't be allergic to fat. So anyway, the other cats that are in the competition, they've all got their angles and whatever.

All of our angle is our cats on a podcast sort of thing. But yeah, there's a blind cat. They've all got like little sympathy cards. Oh, and the blind cat's got like a sign next to it that says, I don't see with my eyes, I see with my heart. Oh, my heart. Oh, God. I, like, I reckon, I'm not going to, I wouldn't bet everything I own on it, but I reckon there's a good chance the owner blinded that cat

in order to win that competition. Slumdog millionaire style. Yeah. Absolutely. All you have to do is enter, like, a picture. You can just find a picture on the internet of any cat. Yeah. That's true.

Yeah. I like how, like, you you know you've got these blind cats and everything and that's very sad still the saddest cat is the cat who's like my owner does a podcast yeah that's the most sympathetic cat and he jacks off on me by the look of his box so yeah uh so uh it's only a couple of days as we go to where it ends on sunday or something yeah there's only a couple of days. As we go to air. It ends on Sunday or something? Yeah, there's only a couple of days to go. So on the social media, I've been trying not to flood it too much but just letting people know how important this is for content.

We would love to see something like that happen so we've got even more to talk about so we don't have to go through each other's phones or anything like that. So anyway, with a couple of days to go i was looking at it this morning and uh there is an email address to uh this company to applause uh they've got their phone number on there they've got their email address on there so i have sent them an email this morning just to sort of follow up on it because you know there's a million cats on their website there's a billion cats it's hard for them to know what's going on on there so i thought i'll just you know like a job interview like going for a job you want to also sort of

needle them a little bit and go hey you know i'm keen and i'll send in another email as well so i've sent them an email and it goes like this uh hi guys at applause i've entered your cat competition for the right to get my cat's face on your cat food can her name is crunchy and by the time your competition closes, she will hopefully have got the most votes thanks to the podcast I co-host with my acquaintance, Tommy. We have a lot of dedicated listeners. Dedicated is the nice word for them, by the way. Do you remember this year's Logies?

Our listeners are the ones responsible for the best new talent Logie going to some fat brown idiot you've never heard of. Dilruch Jaya Singer. A man that somehow the Liberal government let slip into the country. So yeah, they're kind of like that group Anonymous, but for really dumb shit. Crunchy's a British

short hair, Dil's a Sri Lankan long gut. Anyway, here's the thing. I'm sure you don't put any old cat on the can just because of the amount of votes. Otherwise, I would have tried to make Dilrook win this one too. That would have been good. Just upload a picture of Dilrook.

Not dressed as a cat or anything? No, just a nice suit. Because if we did that, we would have 5,000 votes by now. He would officially win. The photo of Dil on the cat can is the photo of him holding the Logie that he's just won. Underneath it just says in cursive writing, like, Dilrook recommends.

And then the next public vote thing, we try and get a photo of that can of cat food with the photo on Dil, which we enter that as the photo. And this thing just keeps stretching out. No, then next year we get crunchy a logi. We are ruining the world. Hey, let's do the opposite of what everything's supposed to be. Cool.

Let's not get ourselves on TV or anything. No. Let's just get a pot plate voted in for prime minister. Cool. All right. So apart from that, apart from the votes, you'll notice that my cat, Crunchy, is also an incredibly photogenic cat. Don't be put off by the photo I used for her entry.

She is not actually poor. She doesn't actually live in that box and those stains are not sperm to the best of my knowledge. How is sperm? I can't wait to see what they wrote back to this. Well, I've only just emailed it to them, so I don't have an email. Whenever someone claims something isn't sperm, it's always sperm, right? Always.

So my point is we have a lot of podcast listeners, and if I know anything about people that listen to podcasts, it's that they're the sort of people who probably have eight cats, no friends, and a lot of disposable income. So this is a great market for you guys. If Crunchy becomes the face of all applause, you open yourself up to a lot of psycho dedicated people. You have your phone number on your website.

Wait until you get all the texts and phone calls I fucking get. Make Crunchy the face of your company, and you'll get free advertising on the show forever. You can set up a stall at the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival right next to the Seam In stall that we'll have. By the way, not Seam In as in, yep, on the box. By the way, when you organise the photo shoot, just take into account that she's scared of babies and often falls in our toilets, in our toilet.

So keep those two things away from the photography studio. Thank you for your consideration. I'll await for your consideration. I'll await for your call. Carl Chandler, oh, for threat. By the way,

applause sounds more like the governing body of the people who make apps for phones. Applause, not a cat food company. It's food for cats. So how about changing it to, I don't know, eating pussies. You're welcome.

You sound insane. Yeah. You, like, there are moments in that email where I think, oh, you know what? They might be taking notice of this, but then you end with eating pussy. Nah, see you later, mate.

You're like the stage mum at the Little Miss Beauty pageant or whatever. You're there trying to suck off one of the judges. It's just so weird. You don't know if that doesn't work or not. That could work. I think you would have lost them at dills of fat brown shit or whatever.

They would have been like, this guy's not right. I've never run into the country. You've got to have an angle. They'll remember this. It is weird being ironically racist to someone you've never met. They can only assume that you are actually racist. Yeah. Especially if they don't know him.

Did you put a link to any of these episodes in there? No. Okay. I put a link to the vote for crunchy thing which I now know in hindsight looks like I'm trying to get them to vote for crunchy. Yeah, I think you fucked this.

I think this is going to have more negative effects than anything. I haven't checked it. We sent a link to their own competition. It's bold, though. If the numbers are all public, though, as well, I mean, it's like that whole Ferry McFerry face thing where it was all a lie. Like the numbers weren't actually public.

Like they didn't, like none of the, but if the numbers are public, they can't, surely they can't go back on it. They can't go, oh, yeah, everyone can clearly see this has got the most votes, but too bad it's going to be this other cat. Right, right. Do we know when they're announcing? So it closes on Sunday. Do we know when they're announcing it?

No, I don't. No. So, yeah, look, this will be extremely interesting. Because we've said if Crunchy wins, we're going to have a little victory parade down Riversdale Road. We're going to get a car with a sunroof and kind of hold him, hold her through the top, like Lion King style. As we drive down, all our listeners are going to lie on the street

and, you know, throw coins at us. And we throw cat food cans out the side. Yes, yes. So they'll get free applause, cat food, if they come to the parade, which is a pretty sweet deal. That'll be cool, yeah. But so if Crunchy doesn't win, what, we go and burn down the applause factory? Is that what happens?

No, I think we get our listeners to burn down the factory. Yeah, right. We never do anything on the show. We get other people to do everything. Okay. What if as a prank we all bought cans of applause Yeah, right. We never do anything on the show. We get other people to do everything. Okay. Yeah. What if as a prank, we all bought cans of applause and made videos of us eating applause saying,

oh, we love to eat applause. And then people would associate applause with weird dudes who like to eat cat food and then be like, oh, I won't buy that. Oh, right. Sorry. At the start I thought this is a good thing, but this is a bad thing in the end. Yeah.

We damage the brand by eating all the cat food and make it look like it's the kind of cat food. The choice of sickos who like to eat animals. What about this instead? What about the ad is we film an ad where Crunchy is like eating applause in her box and then slowly spans up to see me jerking off on her. And you're dressed as Hitler. I love this as a prank.

That'll show them. You can just upload that video you filmed five months ago. I'll just have to Photoshop out the different cat food that I fed her at that time because she was eating something completely different. Just a number four email right now just saying we will do everything we can to ruin you if you don't do this

this is a threat we've only got like four days that email I sent you guys are like oh that's fucked it but now you're saying I should have put more threats in it well yeah I mean you're too middle of the road you should have just been like not weird at all or just gone you know you're

pretty normal and then at the end you're like I love to eat pussy or whatever you're up to. Thinking about how I've got to edit out that thing about Dill because I'll never fucking hear the end of it now. Why? Which thing about Dill? No, no, the Logie's voting thing. Oh, because you didn't vote for Dill.

Yeah. I'm going to leave it in. But I know I'm never going to fucking hear the end of it. Yeah. But he won, so who cares? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And I mean, the podcast that I'm a part of was responsible for so many it. Yeah. But he won, so who cares? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And I mean, the podcast that I'm a part of was responsible

for so many votes. Yeah. So in a lot of ways, it's like I voted like a thousand times. Yeah. Well done, Tommy. Yeah. Good one. Thank you.

Yeah, all right. Well, let's see who's more popular with listeners, my cat or Dirk Dreisinger. Yeah. Well, yeah. I mean, I really feel like there's a big chance of us getting fucked over by some T's and C's. You know what I mean?

Like you were saying, it's going to be one of those things where they turn around and they're like, nah, just kidding. Well, that's why I put in the email. That's the extra yards. This is just the meet and greet. The email's going to sabotage it, if anything. No.

You send eaten pussies to a fucking corporation. This is the meet and greet. The email's going to sabotage it, if anything. No. Yeah. No, no, no, no. You send eaten pussies to a fucking corporation. That's just a little funny joke or something they can take seriously. Get rid of this pervert's racist fucking cat. The good news is there's so many things in the email that have probably triggered the spam filter and it applauds HQ. That's true. I don't think anyone's reading it.

We'll see. Look, I haven't got a reply yet unless it's gone. I don't think anyone's reading it. We'll see. Look, I haven't got a reply yet unless it's gone to junk. No, still no replies yet. I wonder how

many emails a cat food company would get and what they would be. Probably a lot, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's a lot of lonely cat people out there that are entering this comp and they have nothing else. It's just sitting there, the email

notification goes off on the computer, and they're all like, what the fuck was that noise? Yeah, yeah. We only check that every week. Was it an email? An electronic mail? It's like their old Hotmail account that they only check every now and then.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They must get a lot of unsolicited just photos of cats eating their food. I thought you were going to say like ideas for new flavours or something. Probably that, yeah. Poisonary cat food. I reckon they'd still get a lot of letters. Yeah. I reckon they'd get physical letters.

Because I think people kind of put personalities onto their cats more so than people do with dogs. So I think they would get a lot of people going like, you know, my cat eats your food every day and I think the flavour that he would like to – or they'd be like pretending that the cat has given them feedback. I just felt really sick thinking about how many emails slash letters have been written from the point of view of the cat.

Yes. There'd be so much. That would be almost exclusively – every email would be that. Yeah. Here I am enjoying a nice – and then like a photo of the cat. And then like a paw print on the letter with ink. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God.

You losers. Here's some of my recent stool samples. I stick back. Yeah. That's got to be better than the phone calls that you would cop at the cat food company because you can, like me, you know, I'm a brave man sending in that sort of stuff on email. I can just, you know, type whoever.

Who cares? I don't have to deal with email. I can just type whoever. Who cares? I don't have to deal with anything. I probably won't get a response. But to ring someone up and go, no, I need to talk to the man in charge and tell you what little Wobbsy's, what she thinks about fucking roast beef flavor or whatever. Yeah, yeah.

Like that's some proper crazy. You'd much rather send a letter or something than an actual conversation about a cat food, surely. Where is applause based? Oh, good question. I don't know. I don't know whether they would want to disclose that. Yeah, that would be – I mean, that's – again, that would be –

you'd get people turning up at the factory with their cat. Yeah. Wanting to give it a little tour of the place where they get their favourite food from. Like a Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory type deal. Yes. Also, I have to be honest. I'm a consumer, obviously, of cat food now. Like a buyer of them.

You just... No, what you say first goes, mate. What you say first goes. You weird fuck. So, I eat cat food, guys. Yes. And then you jizz on a box. Yes.

Let's clear this up. It is way more expensive than the other brands. Right. So they need all the help they can get. Like I buy the other stuff now the stuff's good but this stuff this stuff's like and is it sold as such is it like that you know the ritzy man's is it kind of positioning itself as like you know the rich person fancy cats no I don't think so because

that there's some brands out there that do that and they've got like black cans and then there's a bit of silver a bit of gold and you're like oh this is ritzy this is nice like a bit of cursive font yes yes all that but this is like a white can which i think makes it a bit the poorest color yeah yeah yeah it's a bit now see i would i would try because with with i'm always i'm always on the hunt for the right dog food and always checking the ingredients for my dog right and it's like there, there are a lot of real dodgy foods that basically animals can't even eat, but they just make, they just put them in.

Like you can buy dog food that is just mostly chicken feathers and shit. Right. There's inedible shit inside a lot of pet food. Right. And you do have to buy a more expensive one. That's my recommendation for all the listeners. What's your brand of dog food then?

Black Hawk. Okay. food then? Black Hawk. Okay, right. Black Hawk? Black Hawk, yeah. Sounds like a fucking type of lynx. Yeah, it's... Sounds like a fucking... That's a helicopter.

Yeah, fish and potato. What's that scent you were in? Oh, it's fish and potato. So when you pour it into the can, do you every day go, Black Hawk down? I never even thought to do that. That's good.

But now I won't. All right. Well, yeah, we've got to keep updated on this. There's so many variables here. What's the prize? So it gets on the can. Oh, fucking hell. What?

So, update on the start of the episode. Oh, you texted idiot. Oh, yeah. I texted idiot. You are seriously not going to believe this. This is unbelievable. Okay. This may not, I hope this resonates enough with our guests here.

Right. But this is, sit down. I know you're sitting down. Sit down. Let's sit down again. Sit further down. Poo sitting down. Sit further down. Sit further down. Pour yourself in. Sit further down in your seat.

Pour yourself a cold cup of cat food and check this out. And are you going to go from what you sent to... Yes. Yeah, okay, cool. Because when I went to do the text, because I've never gone back and forth with this person. I went to do the text. And you know when you go to do the text,

it'll come up with the history. My Apple Watch just told me it's time to stand up. So should I stand up so that I can sit down in preparation? Okay, stand up quickly. Quickly. Okay. But now sit down further. So it'll give you the history.

So I've got here that I had a missed call from them in 2014 in July. Okay. Right. Right. So that means that's whenever I've taken that number down. I must have been drunk or something. I don't know. What, you can't remember?

No. No, but I very vaguely remember. You were 38. I very vaguely remember taking down a number and then not knowing who it is. And when I put idiot in, that's a classic move from me in a pub or something going, I'll deal with this later, but this is funny at the moment. I'll remember what this means. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally, totally.

In 49 months' time. Yes, totally. So there's two missed calls from them on probably that date or something. Then I've sent this message. Hi, like earlier this episode. Hi, I took down this number years ago and saved the name as idiot. Who is this? Thanks.

You just told him straight up. You didn't say, oh, I saved it under a weird name. Yeah, yeah. All the cards on the table. That is real. That is a real Russian roulette. Yeah, that is really going mask off. That is great.

Yeah. So, I get this message back. Hi. Phone updated. get this message back. Hi. Phone updated. I lost some contacts. What's your name? Regards.

I won't say the name, but it's the person who said, I don't know Hughes. Everything is Rick, I don't know Hughes. Wow. It's that person. It's that guy. It's that person. That is insane. This. It's that person. It's that guy. It's that person. That is insane. This sounds like a set up. It is absolutely not.

That's great. Do you want to hand me it? I'm not going to send anything, but for verification, this is like the, what do they call when they come into the fucking? You're the adjudicator. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yep. Yep.

Oh, great. Yep. Okay, he's not kidding, folks. Yes. Yes. What is the person's – I just want to see the name. So this is a cornerstone of Dum Dum. This is – you know the story.

You know the story. Yeah. Everything is Rick. Everything is Rick. I don't know Hugh's. I know the – I don't know – I know the story, but I don't know the story. I can't remember. There's an open mic at who Carl trolled through the page.

Yes. Yep, yep, yep, yep. And very quickly, the highlights were basically him wanting a gig and me saying, cool, come down for a 55-minute headline. Yeah, that's right. I've only got five minutes.

Okay, cool. You can do 52 minutes if you want. No, I don't. Okay, bring Dave Hughes down as support. That is the best. I remember that. He can do five minutes. I do remember that.

And you can do 50 minutes. All this sort of stuff. And I just kept bringing up Hughesy and then he just said, listen, I don't know Hughes. And then I went on and on and on. He kept saying, I don't know Hughes. And then towards the end, I'm sounding more and more unraveled. And then he just says, hey, is everything Rick?

Because he's obviously meant to say, is everything okay, Rick? Because I'd said my name was Rick. Is everything Rick? And then he says, and I go, everything is Rick. And that's the end of the conversation. Just write everything is Rick back right now. Because he said, who's this? You've got to say, it's Hughes.

It's Hughes and then is everything Rick. This is why we're doing your show. You guys have ripped me off. We didn't even need a fucking wheel for this one. All right, I've seen it. Sorry, it's Hughes. That's great.

This is chapter two. This is incredible. He spent all this time trying to pick the pieces of his life. Trying to just assemble some kind of normalcy. Should I send him the how to vote for Crunchy as well? The link to the... It is in response to It's Hughes. If we can get him thinking that this is Dave Hughes talking to him.

So when you put him in the phone as idiot, that would have been at that gig or during the... No, I don't think so because that was all online. That was on Facebook and stuff. I put you in my phone as idiot. Just getting that out of the blue. Just a Wednesday morning sitting around at some number that you don't have either. He doesn't have the number.

You're in my phone as idiot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'd be great if he looked at his phone and it said dumb cunt. Oh, that's a great prank. I'm going to do – people should – if you've got any numbers in your phone of, yeah, people you've met while you're drunk, who you're trying to pick up or whatever, send that through and just see what you get back. That is fucking wild.

Oh, my God. Oh, man. Yeah, I feel alive. And you couldn't have been more – I mean, you really struck gold with that name. Yeah. You couldn't have called it any better. Yeah. This is amazing.

So, anyway, I don't have a response yet. But we've got to finish this podcast, I think, any second, don't we? No, we've got a little while. We've got a little bit. Okay. We've got a bit more treading of water to do. Okay. We can sit on that for another five minutes or whatever it is and see if got a little while. We've got a little bit. We've got a bit more treading of water to do. Okay, we can sit on that for another five minutes

or whatever it is and see if we get anything else. We've got a few minutes. We've got a few minutes to go. How do you respond to sorry, it's Hughes? It doesn't really answer the question. You shouldn't have said sorry.

The real Hughes, he wouldn't have apologised. Yeah, yeah. Sorry, the real Hughes. He's angry, he's not sorry. I'm sorry. Let's just cap her again. Apologetic Hughes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's not sorry. I'm sorry. Let's just cap her again.

Apologetic Hughes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm apologetic. You've been having Hughes on at your gigs a lot recently. Yes. Gigs I run Thursday nights, Saturday nights in Melbourne in the city. And so obviously like a few Dumb Dumb listeners go to that. You've been, you know, and anytime he's on there,

you're very quick to get on our socials and post a photo going, I don't know who this is. How's he? Is he into it or does he not like it? He loves it. Does he? Okay. Like when I've been there and someone's come past and said something to him. I don't know you.

Yeah, he just goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. It's great that we have the power to lift someone up like Dilruch and then simultaneously someone who's already very big kind of ruin their life in just a very small little way, just make their life a bit more difficult. Well, speaking of that sort of idea of the listeners doing that sort of stuff, I was working on a show that will be on air, I guess, in a couple of months or something,

the big Spicks and Specks reunion with the original cast. So Josh, Adam, Bella. They'll be watching at home. Yeah. I'm 12, so that's the original Spicks and Specks as far as I'm concerned. The original version that people watched, so no. Okay.

Having said that, I worked on Josh's version. It was great. It was great. But there's a reason things get taken off air. So anyway, the reunion, the original cast, that was filmed the other day. I was working on it. I was writing on it, which was a great experience. It was lovely.

So when I got there to the live record, Ben Lomas, friend of the show, was doing the warm-up. So we've got a few friends of ours that do warm-up on TV shows. So he was doing the warm-up and it was fucking hell. It was a great experience to watch Ben Lomas do warm-up because to start with, he was only on the show like last week or something and we were talking about his skills at doing improv. He likes to go and do improv at stand-up gigs

and he's just the worst. He's just a fucking... Oh, he did that recently. Yes. And like someone yelled 9-11 at him. And it was fucking amazing because obviously he couldn't do shit with it and it was like the highlight of his set.

Man, he can't do shit when someone yells out differences between men and women. Yeah, he can't do shit when someone yells out, differences between men and women. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Boysenberry. Can I ask though, when you say improv, do you mean improvised stand-up? Yes. Or do you mean like space jumps and acting out a scene?

No, no, no. Well, just as a quick follow-up on having him on last week and the story that you told about him at Spleen. Yeah. So we recorded that like two or three weeks ago. Yeah. Last week he did a spot at a comedy gig. So we recorded that like two or three weeks ago. Yeah. Last week he did a spot at a comedy gig and I was told that he was doing the same thing, looking for suggestions from the audience,

and someone yells out, sex. And he goes, oh, jeez, oh, sex. Oh, I've come too premature. I've fucked it up. And then anyway, gets to the end of the set, bails early, and he's standing there with the person who runs the gig and his maid who'd been in the crowd comes over and goes, oh, yeah, I yelled out sex just like you wanted.

So he'd had a plant. He'd gotten a fridge of gum and yelled out sex and he still fucked it. Jesus. He's the king. Written improv. What a fraud. Fuck.

Okay, so this means one of two things has happened. It means one of one thing. He's a fucking idiot. But he's either asked his friend to say sex and he's just thought, I'll still improvise. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then why did you even ask your friend? Like, if you're going to improvise and not prepare.

Yeah. And the other thing is that he's pre-rehearsed and him saying, oh, I'm coming too early. That was the bit. That was the bit. That was the whole bit. That was the bit. Jesus. Oh, my God.

It's so good. Great. I love it. Well, speaking of that, he was doing Walmart. And just before he started. He's in red-hot form lately. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So why not improv in front of 300 people at a TV show?

This is a matter of days later. So he goes to warm-up and he just goes to start and we're on set and one of the guys working on the show and the crew just walks past me just as Loma starts and he just walks past and goes, can't wait to hear some comedy. I'm like, oh, fuck, this guy listens. Awesome.

But then he goes to do the warm-up. And the warm-up is you've got to talk to the crowd and go, oh, get ready for this and get ready for that and throw lollies at them or whatever. So it's a long shoot. It goes for hours and hours and hours. So part of the show is, because it's the cast, the original cast of Speaks and Specks,

and they've been away for seven years, so the crowd there are intensely into it. They're very excited that they've seen these people for the first time in seven years. So part of the warm-up is Lomas at some stage will sort of say to them, hey, we're not filming at the moment. We've got to move the set around or whatever.

Any questions from the audience? And so they would be like, yeah, yeah, I filming at the moment. We've got to move the set around or whatever. Any questions from the audience? And so they would be like, yeah, yeah, I've got a question. For Adam, what's your favourite game on the show? And Lomas would say, oh, look, there's a lot of games on the show and a lot of games that are played. There's a lot of games that they write, they come up with, and some of them don't get on the show and some of them do next question you absolutely a didn't answer that question and b didn't even refer it to adam hills so

so i was like i saw that one that's amazing then i watched him the rest of the night he did it to everything every question that was asked he did not Every question, oh, do you think the show's coming back next year? Oh, there's a lot of shows on TV. You know, it's a tough job to get a show on TV and there's a lot of people that work on it. There's a lot of people here on the floor and there's a lot of people upstairs. There's writers.

Anyway, I hope that's answered your question. So next question, everyone. Did not answer one question all night. Amazing. And I went up to him at the end. Do you even know you were doing that? Like you literally did not answer one single question. You cock-blocked everyone.

All people wanted to do was talk to the cast. You didn't even refer the questions to them. And he just laughed and literally went, comedy. Oh, my God. I don't know if he knew what he was doing at all. I love that. If you're like a super famous guy and you get on Reddit and do an AMA and then every question that comes in, you're just like,

loving the questions, guys. Just like, ask all you want. No, but you're not even, the famous person's not even answering that. The guy in charge of Reddit is going, loving the questions, guys. He can't even improv answer us at this point. It's so bad. And again, like a mystifying sort of thing because once the first

question has gone real bad, discontinue the question segment. No, but that's it because by the end of it I was watching it and he's like going, any more questions? Why isn't anyone asking any more questions? Because everyone's found out that there's no use in asking questions how futile it is yeah yeah this is good for both of you like

everybody wins when they stop asking questions and i'd love to see lomas as the new host of q&a as well by the way that would get that show would go for five minutes and get cancelled it would just be Q. Yeah. Someone asking a really hard-hitting... Q and rephrased Q. Someone asking a real bombshell question about refugees and you're just going, geez, being on TV is weird, isn't it? Anyone else? There's a lot of people in the

world. They all live somewhere. Any other questions? There's been an update on my text line. Okay. Yep. What's an idiot got to text line. Okay. Yep. Yep. So I've got to say I said sorry, it's Hughes. His response is Hughes. Where do I know you from? Right back. You don't.

All right. You don't know Hughes. That's great. You don't know Hughes. That's great. You don't know Hughes. Has this officially tipped into bullying yet? I think it has. It never wasn't. I don't think there was ever a point where it was bullying.

It does say you don't know Hughes. This should be some kind of personality test of at what stage of the story do you think it's bullying and that just says a lot about you. Like you, Greg, you thought it was you're a good person. I've only just clocked over into going, ah, this might be getting close to bullying. I think this is just a personality test. I think this is what this is like.

That's what I just said. Sorry, but this is, I wasn't listening, I was texting. I was bullying someone on my phone. That's the true personality test. I wouldn't be so quick, Tommy, to say that I'm a good person because absolutely I think this is bullying and I am well on board. They're like, I love bullying. I think bullying is a fun activity and it makes you feel good.

It makes you feel like a big man when you bully someone. We said this on the show. The only reason people don't like being bullied is because you can see other people having fun and you know how fun it is to do. So it's like I just have to sit this one out and cop it. But, you know, in ten minutes' time, I'll get to be on the other side of that doing it to someone else. When I was in high school, I remember having that sort of light bulb moment when I – because I used to get bullied all the time in school. I was ruthlessly bullied.

And when I was in the school band, there was a clarinet player. And being in the band you're already in the bottom rung but there was a hang on hang on I'm just changing your name in my phone to idiot idiot 2

but there was there was a clarinet player in the band who was like he was real fat and he used to he used to dance when he played his clarinet

and people used to call him Goldberg and it was Mighty Ducks reference because I think Goldberg at the time was a popular movie and I remember having a light bulb moment

and thinking like oh this is what it's like on the other side and like having that moment to choose and then I called him Goldberg and everyone laughed and I felt so damn good I was like oh this is why they do it you feel like a hero.

Yeah, I don't know how wherever, you know, there's all these groups where they're like, we've got to stop bullying in the schoolyard and all this stuff. But it's like, first of all, stopping it in the schoolyard does nothing because being bullied in the schoolyard just prepares you for the realities of life, which is like you get bullied well into adulthood in every workplace, in every environment. We need to work out how to make it.

If it's not so fun to do, people will just stop doing it. You can't appeal to people's ethics and decency with it. I think we should put out the right message. Not all bullying is right. Please bully responsibly. Yes. Some bullying can go too far. Nothing that's been done ever on this podcast, but certainly.

No one's died on this thing. You know. An example of how to do bullying right. Has he responded? Yes, he's responded with, you don't... So it goes, sorry, it's Hughes. Hughes, where do I know you

from? You don't know Hughes. And then he's responded, you don't know name redacted. Ah, okay. Right then he's responded, you don't know name redacted? Ah, okay. Right. He's trying to... Idiot. He's trying to play your own game back at you. Wait, you don't know and his name. He said his name. Yeah.

So what do I respond? Is everything Rick? Has he said it with a question mark or just a statement? Yeah, question mark. You don't know. Yes. Do I just put is everything Rick statement? Yeah, question mark. You don't know. Yes. Do I just put, is everything Rick now? Yeah. Do it.

Is everything. Fuck. I'm just starting to imagine him just going like, he's finally sort of, like he's finally. Only in the last two weeks. This is my theory. It's not bullying if they don't know they're being bullied. That's true. This is just a weird bunch of text that this guy's getting.

Apart from the start when I called him an idiot. Oh, dear. All right, I guess we've got to wrap it up, hey? Yeah. I guess I'll get more text, but that'll just have to happen later. Yeah. Well, we're doing the Talking Dum Dum right after this. Oh, yeah.

You can follow up. Yeah, yeah. Talking Dum Dum is following straight after this edition of Little Dum Dum Club Talking Dum Dum oh we do this fucked thing behind the scenes of Little Dum Dum Club

where we talk about what we've just talked about yeah we have to do like an ad yeah it's so fucked that's cool we're both living through a fucking hell

our lives are so fucked anyway Greg and Mike thank you so much for joining us thank you so yeah the Phone Hacks podcast with Mike Goldstein and Nick Capper. Yeah, the basis of it is just me bullying Capper.

So, yeah, it's good fun. Yeah, check it out. I started listening and it's great. It's really fun. And you guys stop being cowards and come on the podcast. Well, my one bit of content is gone now. So, yeah, I can't do that. Yeah, I'm going to get a burner.

I'm going to get a fake phone for it. Yeah, do it. And then I'm going to get Tommy's phone that he's left at home and use that. That works. I'll come on. We can do that. There was a great moment where... Fuck!

Idiot's now ringing me. Answer it. Oh, no, don't. I don't know. Put it on speaker. Take a picture of it. Idiot's ringing me. Quick. I can't. I can't. Chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit. I can't. Take a picture of it. Idiot's ringing me.

Quick. I can't. I can't. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. I can't. Quick. I got it. All right, all right. I can't answer.

That's good. No way you can answer. No, I can't answer. And I don't have a voicemail, I'm pretty sure. I'm pretty sure I don't have one.icemail, I'm pretty sure. Ooh. I'm pretty sure I don't have one. Oh, shit. Well, it sounds like everything's not rigged.

Who rings anybody these days? Like, who's ringing someone? And also, like, someone sends a message, hey, I've called you idiot on my phone. Well, I better ring this guy. Yeah, yeah. The people who you're texting back and forth to make plans with and then they decide, no, I'm just going to get on the phone. It's like, get the fuck.

My mum doesn't even ring me. Oh, I'm just going to get on the phone. My mum doesn't even ring me. I understand. If it's a close mate and if we've gone through 20 text messages and it's like, fuck it, can I just call you so I can sort this out? I can understand that. But a number you don't know, I'll do anything I can to avoid

a conversation with a stranger on the phone. Greg, what have you got coming up that you would like to plug? The box set of Tonightly? Tonightly, if I can just watch... We haven't even talked about that. You were on a regular on ABC's Tonightly.

I was on a TV show called Tonightly and then the ABC cancelled Tonightly, but you know, Spix and Spex reunion, that's good too. That's good. I'm doing a bunch of gigs he's back I'm back trying to do gigs again

so look out for me in Melbourne I'll be doing some gigs and you're starting up a new podcast where you walk up to strangers and pull their pants down in public I believe

yeah well it's not a podcast yet but I'm just testing the waters that'll sound great yeah yeah it'll play really well Well, it's not a podcast yet, but I'm just testing the waters. That'll sound great. Yeah. It'll play really well.

I'm a Patreon and shit. Well, pulling pants down doesn't pay for itself. Yeah, exactly. All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening. We've got plenty of live shows coming up, guys. Just on the tail end of this. We've got Brisbane, Melbourne, and Perth.

Perth, yeah. So get into it. All very close in October and November. Do that. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. Ring, ring, ring, ring. Oh, no.

What's that? It's the They've Done It Again hotline. Oh, really? The phone's ringing off the hook. Do you want to answer it? Yes. Hello? Oh, we have?

Oh, thank you. Right. Do you want to know what they said? I guess Oh, we have? Oh, thank you. Right. Do you want to know what they said? I guess there's probably really only one answer, isn't it? They've done it again. Right. The call's just come in. Right.

Well, they certainly had the right number then, I guess, if they had that message. Good stuff, that one that we just recorded an hour ago. Very, very fun. Very, very fun. You're getting this episode hot off the presses. This is straight from our lips to your iPod. Yeah, we've got to make sure this bit goes quickly because I've got to go home and put this thing on. It's already super late, this episode.

Yep, yep. So that was heaps of fun. Update, on the phone, on my phone, I have not had any more messages or calls after that. He tried once and he gave up. Yeah. Look, I don't know if I've left my name on the answering message or not. I've got to say I do respect that.

Someone who tries to call you once and then they just give up. These people that are just hammering that hotline, that's no good. You know, you have your chance, you fuck it, you move on. Yep. That's behaviour I can get behind. That's very Rick behaviour. It's no good. You know, you have your chance, you fuck it, you move on. That's behavior I can get behind. That's very Rick behavior. It's extremely Rick. So what else? We said at the top we are doing a live Brisbane podcast, guys.

We've got the biggest venue we've ever had in Brisbane, so get along to that. It's going to be pretty big. We're in a proper venue that has like proper bands and stuff like that. So we've got to fill that big sucker up. And like we said up top, we are adding a special little bonus thing that I think is going to be

extremely cool. This is like this has now turned into like the best value for money thing I think we've ever done. This is now like four things in the one ticket. This is like this podcast itself. We just keep adding bits to it that makes everything longer and makes us put more effort into it until we've got no time to do fucking anything else in our lives.

Like you came to me and you were like, what if we did this after the Brisbane show? And I was like, yeah, cool. But fuck, like just thinking about that day, how fucked it's going to be. But a lot of fun. And it'll be great to get up there. Always great audiences in Brisbane. Looking forward to it. But yeah, it is going to be you you guys coming along you are going to get a fucking hell of a day you'll be talking about this for years to come yeah well especially if you have boring lives and

nothing else happens in them but we're going to kill ourselves at movie world that's the big surprise afterwards when you get everyone into a little mini bus and you're going to watch us neck ourselves on the lethal weapon ride and because because of that, some sad news for you that have bought tickets to the Melbourne show one week later. It won't be as good. No, no, the show in Melbourne is a big one. I mean, it'll probably still go ahead. I'd like to think that the guests would just band together

and put on a show in our honour. So in that way, it'll be the bits of the show that people like without us being there. I guess the roast will become just a brutal wake yeah yeah yeah that'd be fun we'll probably sell more tickets now if we thought that we were going to be dead and all of our mates come along to hang shit on our dead bodies i think that would be a big it'd be a hot ticket and we're there like our corpses are on stage oh could we do that and do it like Huckleberry Finn, Tom Sawyer style, where we just turn up to our own funeral to see what people were saying about us?

That's pretty good. Yeah. So, yeah, all our shows are coming up. Exciting stuff. Fun episode we just did. Very happy with that episode. I thought that was good content. Of course, if you're listening to this straight away,

sorry for people that have found this podcast in the year 2020, but it's too late for you, this following information. But as we said, Crunchy, Crunchy the Cat, my cat Crunchy, is in the running to win this cat competition to get on the side of the tin. So please go onto our social medias, go onto Twitter, go onto Facebook, go onto Instagram. You'll find links on all of those things. There are people entering up a storm, people entering once a day, every day.

Go into our Facebook private group. People are aware of the little Dumb Dumb Club. A lot of people. Thank you to everyone who's voted so far because people have voted fucking heaps. Heaps of people have voted. And, yeah, it's really cool to see the dumb dumb army kick off and try and get something done uh so it's really really for a cat yes so uh if you can keep doing that until uh in the next couple of days and overtake the leaders we're not that far off the leaders now so

yeah that would be great there are a couple of freak cats that have yeah like i said deals mobilize them you've mobilized them yeah i gotta work out i gotta work out something that i want if i can turn these guys on too yeah well i mean i've mobilised them. Yeah. I've got to work out something that I want to fucking turn these guys on to. Yeah. Well, I mean, I've mobilised them for my cat. Yeah. So it's not like I've gotten anything out of it. Well, you're going to have a famous cat.

Yeah. You'll be able to pitch your cat for TV ads and stuff like that. It's not really a famous cat because if you saw the cat from the whisker's tin, you wouldn't recognise it in real life you know you should be backing me on this this is like all part of the mentality of like wanting your cat to win no no i do but i still can't help it but want to make you sound like an idiot as well yeah so i'm torn yeah well mission accomplished i feel real dumb uh yeah so get onto that and and we'll see what happens in the weeks to come

and hopefully we'll have some – maybe we'll even – you know what the dream would be is if we got some news off the back of this competition at one of the live shows and we could announce it there. Oh, yeah, that's cool. Who knows what the timing is going to be like. But if you can do your bit, do your bit, get in there and vote and – So you get a call from like someone at the applause factory and they're like, we just wanted to talk to you about some uh results regarding a certain competition

you're like hold off for four weeks yeah if you can come to brisbane and kind of walk walk on the stage with an envelope that would be ideal yeah yeah that'd be great and then that guy comes out and he's like you lost yeah disqualified well they're bringing every every entrant that doesn't win wow busy day in the applause factory. Yeah, they thought it'd be a quick day. They didn't know they'd be put on the hook in four weeks time. Fuck. What a depressing job. Yeah. Almost as bad as

hosting a podcast where you talk about a cat for an hour. It's up there. Get onto that. Get onto that. Please, please. I beg of you. There's nothing in my life at the moment apart from that. So make my cat that has no cognitive powers of knowing what's happening, make her on the side of a thing that she doesn't even eat at the moment. That's the great shame, isn't it?

You know, when you see like a dog on a TV show or in an ad and you're like, this dog's famous and he has no idea. Yeah. You know, he doesn't even get to enjoy the thrill of being on TV. In fact, I think this will genuinely freak my cat out. My cat gets freaked out by a baby. How's it going to go in front of a photographer and whisked off to a different location and all this sort of stuff?

I don't think she's going to cope very well with it. How badly do you, you know, how far are you willing to go to guilt the listeners into voting for your cat? Are you prepared to say here on the air that if she doesn't win, you'll have her put down? I, no. I'm going to say no. Okay. I'm not going to murder my doesn't win, you'll have her put down? No. I'm going to say no. Okay.

That's strange. I'm not going to murder my cat. Well, you know, you don't have that killer instinct that's really required for victory. Yeah. I don't know which way my life would turn after that. I don't know how I can justify saying that to my wife that I killed our cat. She thought she was mad about the photo. Yeah.

She ain't seen nothing yet. Yeah. Oh, she was mad that our cat looked poor. Yeah. I killed our cat. She thought she was mad about the photo. Yeah. She ain't seen nothing yet. Yeah. Oh, she was mad that our cat looked poor. Yeah. I think she's going to be mad that I am a murderer. Or we go the other way. We inspire some listeners to go a bit fucking Tonya Harding on this thing. Oh.

And get one of the competing cats. Noble Jack. Chuck it in a sack. Yeah, I don't know. Take a drive down to the Yarra, you know what I'm saying? I think it's reasonably hard to track down the cats on that website when most of them don't even have their names up. And even if they have their names up, you don't look up a cat phone book

to find out where they live. Most of them don't even have podcasts. You could just print up a poster saying missing and put it out somewhere and just wait for someone to go, here's that cat you lost. You're like, yes, my cat has come back. Oh, right, right, right. They just grab a cat, give it to you. Easy.

All right. That can happen in the next three days, I'm sure. Yep, sure. Done. Another thing that could happen in the next three days is you subscribing to this show on Patreon. We offer a series of great rewards, extra content for your contribution. We do a bonus episode.

We do a little magazine where we write stuff and draw stuff and send it out. So, yes, thank you to everyone who does that. It's very much appreciated. We also, as part of that, we read out some names here at the end of each episode as a little thank you to the valued subscribers that keep this show ticking along. Yeah, the premium listeners of this show that not only listen but feel a need to kick back. The members section.

Yeah, the VIP. Very important person. Ha-ha, gotcha. Oh, no, that's just what it is. Yeah. What did you think you were doing then? I don't know. So what I do is I crank open the, uh, Unplanned Title Alternator.

Mm-hmm. I hit the big red button and we randomly pick, uh, a number of, of people to read out and, uh, we stick to that, that number no matter what. Um, no matter what happens. So, uh, this week I think we'll do seven. Great. Um, okay, let's kick off. Hit the big red button.

Seven names. Yep. Uh, thank you to Patreon subscriber David O'Keefe. O'Keefe? Good friend of mine has the last name O'Keefe. Johnny? No. No?

Andrew. Oh, Andrew O'Keefe. Yeah, great. I want to get him back on the show, Andrew O'Keefe. He's doing a live show in Melbourne soon, singing. Oh, really? I was looking at that ad yesterday thinking, can we get him back on? I feel like he's one of these people that we've somehow burnt,

where he's come on the show early on and gone, eh, I don't know about this. No, I don't know. Yeah, we talked about this. We try him a lot. Yeah. Anytime we're up in Sydney, we try him. Anytime we get a whiff that he's down here, we try him.

I've gotten a couple of times through his people i've gotten messages like oh you know he said to pass this on and they've like copy and pasted very nice things that he has to say about the time that he did the show but we just can't we just haven't been able to line it up but i will say it was the same thing with larry for a long time yeah We could never get Larry Emder back and we finally made that happen recently. And now that bridge is definitely burnt. It's like we have people on once and we think maybe we've burnt the bridge

but it's like we've got to get them on the second time to really finish the job. Yeah, I think that's fair. You can't judge anyone off one appearance. But if anything, he should have burnt our bridge because he came on in the first two years of the, still flying high from the Logies the night before and just rinsed us real hard. Before that was really the culture of the show.

So if anything, it should be us going, no, we don't want to have you back. I don't even remember what he was like on the show. He was great. I just remember him kicking on afterwards, which is surprising for him. And me buying him a drink and him going, oh, you don't need to do this. I'm like, happy to do it. Just so I can say I bought a drink for Andrew O'Keefe. Yeah, that was a great night.

We all hung out in the Peter Cook bar. Yes. In the Melbourne Town Hall. Yeah. It was when we did the show on a Monday. Yeah, yeah, when we did the show on a Monday and we paid a lot, made no money off our live shows. Anyway, no need to go into that.

The rent was way too high. No need to go into our financial affairs from the past. Anyway. But yes, no. Yes and no. Good. Positive affiliations with the last name O'Keefe. Yes, David O'Keefe.

Well, maybe it's a brother. Maybe it's a relation. A relative of my friend or of Andrew. Of Andrew. I wasn't wondering whether it was a relative of someone I don't – you still haven't named. So, no. If you are related to Andrew O'Keefe,

despite the fact that your last name is spelt differently, please hit up your relation. No E on the end? Double F. Double F? Yeah, never seen that before. That's what, now that's a waste of an F. That changes nothing about the name.

I'm not a fan of double Fs. Well, what's the point? O'Keefe. You don't like him that big. That's too big. You would agree that's too big. That's too big of a name, is that what you're saying? It's an absolute mouthful. You're saying too big of a name.

Wouldn't even, I mean, way bigger than a handful. Way bigger than David O'Keed. Grow up. You know what I've become a fan of? My friend was telling me the other day, her grandma, when you like, you know, tease her or whatever, her thing instead of piss off or whatever, she'll go, oh, dry up. Which I can't work out what it means.

Like what's it – but I'm really into it. I think it really – just someone – try it next time someone's really greasing you. Just go, dry up. Right. It's good. It's a bit Ginger Megs or something, isn't it? It's very quick. It's very snappy.

Yeah. There's a lot of hard sounds in there. It makes me think of someone with an apron and a rolling pin. Yes. Being in a Ginger Megs cartoon or something like that. It's very old school Australian. I can't work out what it's meant to mean. I guess the only –

I think evaporate, just evaporate and disappear into the ether maybe. See, this is where my brain goes because – and it's influenced by the fact that my friend telling me that she's never heard of it outside of her grandma saying it. So it's like an old woman saying it. It's like, is it like a menopause thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She should be saying, make like my pussy and dry up. I'd dry up.

Thanks, David. Thanks, David. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. O'Keefe. O'Keefe. The Fs go on forever. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Ian O'Keefe. O'Keefe. The Fs go on forever. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Ian Howlett. Howlett.

Seen this name on the socials quite a bit. Yeah, seen this name a bit. Well, you know, I'm howling it to the moon. I'm how... Yes? Oh, I love having this money. Great. Oh.

Perfect. I love having this money in my bank account. Oh, no, I like having this money. Great. Perfect. I love having this money in my bank account. Oh, no, I like that. It's back. I like that. I know. I'd like that much more if it had been Ian Howlett. What an unusual name.

I guess I'll incorporate that into this saying. I love having your money in my wallet. Yeah, that's good. That's good. I like it. Ian. Yeah. I always feel like Ian's a name that should have had another consonant in it.

Ian. It is. Yeah, there was a kid at my school called Ian, which even, you know, it felt like this name's on the way out, isn't it? Yeah. You know what I mean? It's weird to be friends with like a 13-year-old kid who's got the name Ian. Yeah. It's like a, it's a 13-year-old kid who's got the name Ian.

Yeah. It's like a 40-year-old's name. I think there was a guy in my primary school, in my class, called Ian. And he was like – so growing up in Maribor, this is what would happen. So Maribor is like 8,000 people, which sounds small to city folk like you. But there were even smaller little satellite towns around Maribor, like Avoca, like Denali, like Talbot, like Clunes, things like that. Clunes. Clunes.

So all the kids from those surrounding tiny little places, Carersbrook, which is the place that I was closest to, they would all bus in to the thriving metropolis of Maryborough to go to the proper big primary school. And so one of these kids, his name was Ian, Ian Martin, in fact. And they came from like real to sticks. They were what people think of Maryborough, like proper hayseed. Like, oh, yeah, coming from the farm to school today.

So that was this guy. Right. And I remember people used to call him Ian Martin, strong but simple. Just this big, big kid but just like... Yeah, great. Real like of mice and men kind of vibe. Even for an eight-year-old, a proper dumb cunt. I feel bad giving out his full name on the pod

but I don't know, I guess it doesn't matter. So the kid at my school called Ian, his last name was Rubenus, which someone one day worked out Rubenus. More like rub my penis. Oh, nice. Boom. Fucking got him. That's pretty cool.

High school is over for you, cunt. You are dead. Game over. Fucking game over. You know what happened the other day is, so as I've mentioned on the show before, so I run a couple of gigs in Melbourne, comedy, weekly comedy rooms.

One of them on Saturday night, people always still hit us up. Oh, what's going on in Melbourne? Visitors come to Melbourne. What's going on? Just so you know, Monday, comedy at Spleen in the city. Thursday, Thursday comedy club

at the European Beer Cafe, Exhibition Street, Thursday comedy club at the European Beer Cafe, Exhibition Street, Melbourne. Saturday night, European Beer Cafe again in the basement, Basement Comedy Club. Always great lineups, always heaps of people that you know from this show. Crazy Horse Cinema on Elizabeth Street. Yeah. Open around the clock.

$2 to get in. You'll see me doing something slightly different to comedy. Burke Street KFC. Yeah. So someone came in the other day and you book online for the Saturday night and what happens with the – I use Try Booking and you'll know this. What happens is Try Booking give you so much information about people. They give you the name.

They give you the address. They give you their phone number. They give you their email address, all this stuff. That is crazy that they even bother asking people for their address. Yeah. Yeah. So you always know, like, for example, a few weeks ago, I was looking through, I don't know why, I was just looking to see what states people were from and whatever. Someone came to see the show the other day that lives in, like, next door here. Just someone.

To you? Yeah. But we've had one of them already at a live show for this. You met some of your neighbours. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So this is a second. Yes. Wow.

Yeah. This is a real comedy hotspot. Yeah, this little block of flats loves comedy. Yeah. So someone came in the other day and I just print out everyone's names and then they either bring their tickets in. And I always go, don't worry about your tickets, just tell us your last name

and I'll mark it off the list. Love that. People trying to give you the A4 printout and then you're just left with this stack of bits of paper that you're just going to fucking go in the bin. Yeah, but they love it. People go,

oh, you've already got the name. Oh, awesome. Oh, great. Any normal person is the opposite of like, fuck, I'm not going to have to print something out, am I? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, I go, they go to hand it to me and I go, no, no, I don't need, just read out your name. And they go, oh.

Oh. And I go, sorry, just surname, just surname. And they go, oh. I go, what? Bad cock. And I go, what? And cock. And I go, what? And I look and it's there. Someone, there was a whole family.

Last name, Bad Cock. It took every ounce of me to not go, what's life like? Yeah. Also, join our Patreon. Yes, yes. Surely you'd put down a pseudonym, surely. You'd get your name changed. And I'll tell you what, there was like a whole family and there was three girls in the family

and I was just looking at them going, you are getting hitched ASAP. Yeah. Yeah. That's like people who, the surname Coburn. Yes. You know, C-O-C-K-B-U-R-N. Fuck. No.

Pretty sure I. No, it's Cockburn. Pretty. You know, C-O-C-K-B-U-R-N. Fuck. No. Pretty sure I know. No, it's Cockburn. Pretty sure I know who invented that pronunciation. And their last name was Coburn. Cockburn. Woo. Thanks, Ian. Thanks, bad co.

Oh, sorry, no. Yeah. Ian. That was just a different person. Ian. Howl it. Ian suck my dick? Yeah.

No, what was it? Ian howl it. Ian howl it. Yeah. That's it. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Isaac Ray. Isaac Ray. A little ray of sunshine in our lives.

Yeah. A little ray gun shooting cash at us. Well, we just went from O'Keefe with double Fs, which is more than enough. Then you've got Isaac with a double A. Can you get a double A? I guess so. You can only get double A batteries. You can't get a double A bra, can you?

Maybe that's the double A bra is just like it just fits to those little pen light batteries in it. That's a size that's just like straight out thin and just like straight out. That would be cool growing up. So it's like that's a size that's just like straight at thin and just like straight out, really pointy. That'd be cool growing up, like two girls arguing, one girl going, oh, you've got nothing there. You've got A's. No, double A's, thank you very much.

It's funny that batteries came along and they were like, we've got to name the sizes of these after the cup sizes. Yeah. You know what I mean? That's what they definitely did. Because they're letters as well. Yeah. Yep. The inventor of the battery was just a boob fan.

Just a horny boob man. Wasn't a leg man. Put it that way. Yeah. Old Barry Battery, the inventor of the battery. As we all know. Fuck, what was the name again? Isaac.

We get too far away from the names too quick. Isaac Ray. Isaac Ray. Yep. As we all know. Fuck, what was the name again? Isaac. We get too far away from the names too quick. Isaac Ray. Isaac Ray. Yep. Two people that already have bad memories as well. Yep. Yeah, thanks, Isaac.

Ray. Ray is somehow a cooler name as a surname than it is as a first name, I think. Because I think of someone like, for example, just someone called Ray Badron, and I just think, idiot. But you go, Isaac Ray, that sounds cool. Well, I think in the case of Badron, there's a bit of confirmation bias going on there. Maybe. Yeah. Yeah, one of those things where if you had a kid, you wouldn't call it Ray Badron because

of your experiences with that person already. Yes, exactly. Ray Badron Chandler. Yeah. You wouldn't do it. I wouldn't do it. You'd be insane. No. I don't. I wouldn't do it. You'd be insane. No.

I don't. And then what if it was a boy? Yeah. So, yeah. Oh, nice. Yeah. A little pullback and reveal there. A little bit of misdirection there.

Yeah, loved it. Just one of the many things in my comic toolbox. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks, Isaac. Thanks, Isaac. Thanks, Isaac. Oh, we're nearly halfway done.

Thanks, Isaac. Nearly. Yeah. After, Isaac. We're nearly halfway done. Thanks, Isaac. Nearly. Yeah. After this one, we'll be over halfway done. Halfway in the middle of this one. Yeah. We'll be halfway done. So read out the first name and then we're halfway done.

Right. Zoe. There we go. Halfway done. Right. Great. We've only got another 45 minutes to go. When you say Zoe, do you always say Zoe or is that sometimes Zoe?

What do you mean? Can you have Zoe? Is there anyone, is your question, is there anyone whose name is spelled Z-O-E? Yeah. And their name is pronounced Zoe? Yes. I do not think so. All right.

Okay. I do not know Hughes. Right. Do you know Zoe? I just wondered. I always thought there's got to be someone that pronounces it Zoe. I guess you could. Yeah.

You could just, yeah. I mean, you could be like Thomas and go, no, it's actually Thomas. Yeah, yeah. Maybe I should start doing that. Yeah, because I think as a kid I grew up reading. I love how, by the way, Zoe, whoever this is, is just getting this half read going, is it going to be me or is it going to be another Zoe?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because we're only just up to the Zoe bit. Because we're now officially halfway through. Yes. Because this is three and a half names now and we're doing seven. Yes. Zoe, I think as a child I read the name Zoe, Z-O-E, and to me it read Zoe. So I always thought it was Zoe as a kid.

So now I think that's lasted in my head and gone, yeah, I know I met a few Zoes after that, but there's still got to be a Zoe. Come on, the real deal. Yeah. Well, I mean, maybe we'll get a few more clues about how they pronounce their name when you read out the surname. Well, generally there are a lot of clues about the pronunciation of someone's first name within their second name. Maybe their last name is pronounced Zoe.

Right. Just all one word. Right, right, right, right. And it's still spelt Z-O-E at the end where you don't know what that means. Yeah. Zoe or Zoe. Mm-hmm. 2018.

Yep. Zoe Ohachu yep Zoe Ohachu Zo Ohachu Zo Ohachu Zo Zo Zo Ohachu Zo Ohachu

Zo Ohachu okay yeah Ohachu O-H-A-C bless you yeah O-H

A-C H-U. Zohachou. Zohachou. I like it. It sounds like I heart you. It sounds like a type of Pokemon. Zohachou.

Zohachou. Ah, Zohachou. Wow. What? I was trying to pronounce it. You did the voice. And you did that thing with your eyes as well. No, I didn't.

Just the voice. How dare you accuse me of wrongdoing. Yeah. That's fine. So Zoe or Zoe? Well, as long as you've signed off on it. Yeah. I'm fine.

You've got to double down on this stuff. That's what 2018 has taught me. Yeah, that's a good point. You can't falter. You've signed off on it. Yeah. I'm fine. You've got to double down on this stuff. That's what 2018 has taught me. Yeah, that's a good point. You can't falter. You've just got to go hell for leather. Don't show any weakness. You can get away with anything. Yeah.

You know, much like a lot of people have gotten away with hit and run accidents over the years. Yeah. Zoe Ohachiu. Well, thanks, Zoe. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay. I wonder if she's

I wonder where she lives I wonder where Zoe Or Zoe Ohachu Lives Is she Because we do have One or two

Or several Japanese Listings Don't we Yeah I wonder if We had a Did we talk about this yet

We had a young lady Email us About getting a t-shirt Sent to Japan and went to great pains to express to us that she is a bona fide Japanese person. Yeah. Like really wanted to make it clear that she's not an expat. Yeah.

She's a genuine Japanese person. Yeah. Yeah. Because we do have a lot of expats. We get an order from Denmark and go, oh, awesome. And it's just like, from Wobbsy O'Grady. Yeah. I moved here from fucking Tanagala fucking six months ago.

Oh, fuck, we thought you were a proper Danish person. Yeah. Yeah. I wanted to try and meet up with this Japanese person while I was there, but I thought that would have been too weird. Yeah. But it just would have been fascinating for me to hang out with a Japanese person and talk to them about like Ben Lomas and Edo.

Yes. It's like the funniest thing I can imagine. Yes. Someone just like hearing Hughsey on this podcast and having no cultural context for what he is. In many ways you could say she doesn't know Hugh's son. Yeah. Well, he did the eyes and everything.

You've got to dot your eyes and... Anyway. Yeah. By the way, how is your neighbour going? Dilwick Jones, the one-year-old baby who lives next door to me. Yeah. He's good. I think he missed me a lot while I was in Japan.

Yeah. But I brought him back a lot of gifts. Did you? Which he was very... Yeah, he was very grateful for. What did you get him? I got him. Yes. Yes.

Yes. And I got him some toys. Oh, great. I got him some cool little Japanese toys. I got him those little training chopsticks. Those little training chopsticks? Yeah. Have you ever seen them?

No. So they're like, you know, chopsticks are separate. Right. There's like, you can get like kind seen them? So they're like, you know, chopsticks are separate. Right. There's like, you can get like kind of kids ones where they're kind of like joined at the top by like a little mechanism. They're for practicing to like learn how to use chopsticks. Oh, is that what they're for? Yeah, they're like, they kind of do it for you.

Do you like that? Yeah, he liked them a lot. Right. So he's learning how to eat his food with chopsticks. He's using them on his mother's breast. Is that what you're saying? Yes. Yeah. Right. He's, yeah, he's, breast. Is that what you're saying? Yes. Yeah.

Right. He's, yeah, he's, you know, having a bit of a cultural experience. Tweaking his mother's nipple with tiny chopsticks. The way they do it over there. Oh, okay. When they're breastfed over there. So that's what Zoe Ohachiu did over there when she was a child. Is that what you said? If she was Japanese.

Right, okay. Then yes. Okay. Definitely. Right, definitely. You know, not a particularly funny answer, but I'm just, you know, relaying a true fact from my life, so shoot me. Was I asking for a joke or just asked you about the one-year-old baby

that lives next door to you? Yes, a true story about the one-year-old baby. Yeah. Dilbrook Jones, the one-year-old baby who lives next door to me. Yeah. Yeah. That followed you to your new house? Yeah, yeah.

I moved out and he got the apartment next to me. So followed you to your new house? Yeah, I moved out and he got the apartment next to me. So he lives there by himself now, is that right? Yes, I believe so if my memory serves me correctly from when I walked out the front door this morning and saw him and he waved at me. And you didn't see anyone else? I didn't see anyone else, no. That's not to say

they weren't there, but that's all I can go on is what my own two eyes have reported back to my brain. I thought he moved out from his parents, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's now living in the apartment next door to me. Bachelor pad next door to you. Yeah.

Two bachelor pads back to back. Oh, fuck. I've just remembered. How fucked is this? All the water is getting turned off in my building tomorrow for the whole day. Oh. Because I've got to change a pump or some shit like that. Right.

What are you and Dilrub Jones going to do? Yeah, maybe we'll go down to the baths together. off in my building tomorrow for the whole day. Oh. Because I've got to change a pump or some shit like that. Right. So. What are you and Dilruch Jones going to do? Yeah, maybe we'll go down to the baths together. Oh, right. Well, that should go well. You taking a one-year-old down to the public baths? Well, people don't know that he's not mine. Right.

They'll just assume it's me and my son. So he looks pretty similar to you. He looks pretty similar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. With a name like Dilruch. Mm. He just looks similar to you? Yeah, well, you know, kids these days have, you know, fucking weird names.

Okay. So you're saying that's a weird name to have something like that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Their parents give them weird made-up names. Weird made-up names, right. Weird. You know, bohemian inner city, inner north parents. Right.

You know? Yeah. Is there any, because he's only one years old, I don't know if we talked about this before, Because he's only one years old. I don't know if we talked about this before. Is there any chance he was named after? Because we've had, I believe, on the show a few times, a comedian called Dilrub Jai Singer.

Is there any chance of him... Oh, from Utopia? No, from Cram. Oh, from Cram. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is there any chance he was named after him? Like after he had a particularly good appearance on that show or something? Absolutely none whatsoever.

None whatsoever? No. You're sure of that? Yeah. Okay. Right. How can you be so sure? Because his middle name is not like the comedian.

Oh. All one word. Dilruch. Is that like a Hachu? Is that Japanese? Comedian. Oh. All one word. Dilruch. Is that like a hachu? Is that Japanese? Yes. Right. Not Like the Comedian.

Yeah. He did the eyes. Dilruch Not Like the Comedian Jones. Yes. Right. Wow. Fuck. I'll tell you what.

I love asking questions about this. I feel like I know. This is the weird thing. I feel like. Wow. Fuck. I tell you what, I love asking questions about this. I feel like I know – this is the weird thing. I feel like I know so – I love answering them. I feel like I know so much about someone and I've never met them. You know that thing when you – You've still got to meet him. You've got to meet him.

Yeah. I'd love to. Yeah. Yeah. I wonder how long that's going to take. Yeah. I don't know either. I wonder how much longer we'll talk about this before you end up meeting him.

Yeah. I don't know. You know the thing when someone – you'll meet someone and they say, oh, I've heard so much about you. I like that. I've never been able to say that to someone. I think it's like, you know, you'd probably end up meeting him after we've run out of steam in the ways that we can just talk about him.

Right. And that's certainly in no danger of happening. Right. So it could be ages before you end up meeting him. Right. Could be 20 years. All right. Thanks, Zoe. Thanks, Zoe.

Thanks, Zoe. Okay. Boy, that one took a while. Yeah. Right. Halfway, over halfway through. Yeah. So just what?

Wait, that was number four? So we've got three more to go. Yeah, that was number four or six. I can't remember. I'm pretty sure it was four because halfway through Zoe, that was three and a half and that's half of seven. So now we did the surname. So that's four.

So five, six, seven. Three more to go. Right. So six down. Cool. So, six down. Cool. No, four down. All right. Well.

Four down. So, you have to do three more. How many do you have sitting in front of you? Lucky last, I guess. No, it's not the last. If this is the one that you had planned for last, we'll do two more and then we'll do that one. Let's get into number seven for this week. Okay. I need to get this online

Alright, here we go The final one for this week Before we run out of tape on this episode Which happens sometimes Yep Here we go Thank you to Patreon subscriber

Idiot's comedy Right So Because we're in the app We were talking about you having someone saved in your phone as idiot Were we? Yeah Do you think this is them?

Is that what they were maybe calling you about? To confirm their Patreon subscription This person has been subscribing the whole time Right Wow That must mean they listen That must mean Not only is this person giving us

Hang on, let me check $69 a month I can't believe they're giving us that much money per month Yet they still do not know Hughes Yeah, they must just have some weird filter that blocks out the one episode a year that he's on. Yeah. Wow, that's weird.

Wow. How much do they subscribe? How much money do they put in? Hang on, let me check again. $69 a month. Everything is Rick. Right. That's Rick?

That's the most Rick amount of money you can have. Yeah. That's very generous, I have to say. Yeah. I don't know why they couldn't have bumped up to 70, but anyway, that would have been a dollar more. It seems strange. If you can afford 69, why you couldn't afford 70?

I mean, yeah, that would annoy the fuck out of me. You want it to be a nice round number. Are you one of those people that has to, you know what I mean? It feels like it's on sale. You don't need to bring it down to 69. We're already sold. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Plus, as a millennial, I don't understand what that number means anyway.

Hang on. What? Yes? Go back. What? I was saying. Now, what millennium are you talking about exactly? Thanks, idiot. Thanks, idiot.

Thanks, idiot. Well, another wonderful week here on Talking Dumb Dumb. Doesn't get any better than this. Wrapped up the week that was. Doesn't get any better than this in any genre of any entertainment, I believe. No. Dance, music, film, play. Political, newspaper, cartoon. Yeah. Political, newspaper, cartoon.

Yeah. Well, actually, that's pretty good. But, yeah, I believe this is the strongest form of art there is out there. I agree. And it's high art at that. Yeah. Well, everyone, thanks for listening once again. Thank you to everyone who supports us on Patreon.

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come through town or whatever, which ultimately means you getting free content with big people you like. Yeah. So, yeah. Thanks, guys. Thanks for listening. We will be back next week. Take care.

See you, mate. Good night, Australia. Oh, see you, mates.