The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 417 - Scott Dooley & Luke Heggie

Episode Date: October 2, 2018

Hot off the back of a huge week for the podcast, we've roped in SCOTT DOOLEY and LUKE HEGGIE to dissect all the newsworthy activity relating to Karl's cat Crunchie. We track the highs and the lows of the online competition to make Crunchie the face of a cat food company, we get to the bottom of some T's & C's and we even get a hot scoop live on the air! Don't forget, we have a bunch of huge live shows coming up:BRISBANE: We're heading back to do our 2018 stand-up shows back-to-back PLUS a huge live podcast! OCTOBER 21.MELBOURNE: We're doing a huge live episode PLUS a roast! OCTOBER 27.PERTH: We're heading back for our annual huge day of stand-up and podcasting! NOVEMBER 18. For tickets, merchandise, links to our Patreon and heaps of other stuff, head to our website: littledumdumclub.com  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Scott Dooley and Luke Heggy. We are going to get right into a big recent story that you may be familiar with, but before that, we need to tell you about a couple of shows that we have coming up. October the 21st, it's creeping up. We are going to be in Brisbane doing a huge afternoon of stand-up comedy, big life podcasts with special guests

that we are bringing in from interstate. A little bonus special thing afterwards, it's at the Triffid. It's our biggest venue yet in Brisbane. We can't wait to see all of you guys out there. Brisbane, get down there. Let's do this quick. Do that, then the very next week in Melbourne, we're doing our live Adelaide podcast.

That's right, Adelaide podcast in Melbourne on Saturday night, October the 27th. Please get along to that. That's your big Melbourne podcast for the year. We ain't doing no more after that for ages. So this is your big night. Plus, the back half of it is a massive roast. This is the thing.

This is right in our wheelhouse. We're going to have guests on. We're going to be ripping the shit out of each other, unrecorded, unreleased. So apart from having a great podcast, you're going to have a great live roast after it. And the last one of them we did was one of the best things we've ever done and people clamouring for another one afterwards.

So it's happening. It's going to be awesome. Then November the 18th, we are going to be in Perth, once again doing a big afternoon of live shows, us doing stand-up, big live podcast with some amazing guests that we're bringing over from interstate. Always a great time in Perth. That show is very, very nearly sold out and will definitely be by the time we get to it.

So jump on it. Easy. So like you said, Tommy, this is going to be a very interesting podcast coming up. It is excellent. Look, you know what? We're like boxing champs here. We were down on the canvas last week, but it's not how hard you get hit. It's how hard you get back up or whatever Rocky said that time.

It's how hard you are when you get back up. And hit people with it. So, yes, enjoy this. There's a lot to discuss in the back end of the show. Talking Dumb Dumb will be back to thanks and Patreon sponsors as well. You can support the show on Patreon if that's something that you want to do. But until then, enjoy this new episode with Scott Dooley and Luke Heggie. Hey, mates.

Welcome once again into the little D-dum club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Sitting across from me is the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. Woo, we're back, baby. Riding high off a fucking extremely well-received episode last week. We are back in the saddle.

A lot of people like the language used on there and some of the ideals that were proposed on that. So we thought, you know what, let's up it. Let's get some human beings that speak even more controversially. So these are the only two we could think that we reikied quite as much. Imagine having not heard last week's air. Just coming in clean on this one. Well, joining us this week, we have Luke Heggie and Scott Dooley. Right on.

Yeah. Why are we doing this from the granny flat of a rich 15-year-old boy? It is. It's bizarre, isn't it? It really is. This is like... Do you just constantly get sponsored by Make-A-Wish your entire life, or does that end at some point?

Because that's what it looks like. You've got the Nintendo set up with the big screen. You've got the drum kit. This is Ferris Bueller's life off. But you are right. The arrangement of where my apartment is in the building. I'm like out the back of the main building. I'm past the pool. You're like Ryan

Atwood in the OC. You're in the pool house. Yes! I literally am. No sheets. I mean, they're outside drying, aren't they? It's a sunny day out there. in Atwood in the OC. You're in the pool house. Yes, yes. I literally am. And yet no sheets. No sheets. Well, I mean, they're outside drying, aren't they? Oh, I beg your pardon. It's a sunny day out there.

Filthy pig. So we are in Tommy Daslow's apartment in his granny flat in his Make-A-Wish granny flat at the moment. Anxious that we were having Luke Heggie around here to do the pod

because I thought, oh, he's going to see the little Nintendo toys and he's going to see the fucking video games and I'm fucking in for it. I'm in for it. No, you're right.

Whatever. You like it? I know other comedians, mate. I know they're fucking losers. I'm on it. I was prepared. Wow, this is the new Heggie. Yeah.

I was really bracing myself. It's just the resigned one. Oh, right. You're accepting of his choice of lifestyle. Accepting. Accepting is fucking generous. I love how the positive Heggie is, yeah, they're all losers. Yeah.

It looks a new man. Yeah. Now, guys, we'll get into this straight away. Look, I don't know if you guys keep up with the social medias out there. I know you're from New York. Do they have the social medias over there? I've read about it. You have read about them.

All right. On the social medias for, and I don't expect you guys to follow our sort of stuff, but this is what we've been doing recently. Talking about calling Tommy a loser for being in this house, I've been trying to enter my cat competition. Fuck off. Yes, absolutely true.

For a joke. For content. Yeah, of course. For this show. What's your missus think of that? Assume it's her cat Not yours It's a shared cat Well we've both got Equal custody of it

So it's fine It's a cat You're lucky that you have This podcast to be able to say It's for content Because I think this would be Happening either way No

Like so much of our lives Now it's like Yeah I'm doing this stupid thing In order to talk about it On the podcast Why are you doing it anyway? No Absolutely not I'm doing this stupid thing in order to talk about it on the podcast. No, no, no. Why are you doing it anyway? No, absolutely not.

I would not be entering a cat into a cat competition. This is the direct result of me being on a tramp half an hour without any crazy person saying anything to me going, fuck, I'm going to have to manufacture it, am I? So what's the category your cat's in? Category? Nice. King of the pun, Luke Heggie.

Always on. That's that New South Wales humour I've been hearing about. I didn't even think of that. You fuckwits did. I genuinely think that was the category. Oh, it's our fault. All right, Kitson, you accidentally spin gold. All right, mate.

So it's a cat food competition where they put the – a slight recap is the competition is to be the face, to get your cat to be the face of the cat food, right? So it can have its head on the side of the tin. Right. And when you go into your Safeways, into your Woolworths, into your Coles. And so anyway, short recap is that the breeder that we got our cat off sent it to us going, vote for our cat and, you cat and that'll be great.

And I brought her onto the show and went, yeah, why don't we vote for my cat's brother? And then Tommy said, what the fuck are you talking about? Why don't you enter your cat? I'm like, oh, that's a good idea also. His big plan was, this will be funny. We'll get all the listeners to vote for a cat that looks identical to my cat. And I said, well, how did this person enter their cat in?

He's like, oh, anyone can do it. I'm like, well, why wouldn't you just do your actual cat? I'm going to have a couple of questions after this. We're going. Sure, sure. So I reckon you're going to have more than a few questions. I've still got questions. This will be like when people present a screening of a movie

and it's like you see the movie and then a moderator does Q&A with the audience afterwards. So this is the film and then at the end we'll be passing a mic around and you guys, any questions that you have? The grumpy guy from Sydney is going to win. He's ate one in a row. That's interesting. Can we have a question that's not will you buy this copy of The Big Issue?

You've got some fucking front trying to bully me with your cat competition. Go on. Yes. Yes, and? So far, this is panning out exactly as we predicted. So this would not have flown with our last guess. So anyway. Do you ever wonder what it would sound like

if Arnold Schwarzenegger was a cat? Oh, God. Vought for crunchy, I must. Yoda's getting involved. Meow, be back, baby. What's Dennis Kucinich got to say about this one? What about Frank Spencer? What would he say?

So, anyway, into the cat competition. Then, knowing that we've got the dum-dum army behind us, knowing that we've got a bunch of people with way too much time on their hands that like to fuck things up, the people behind Dilruch Jaya Singer winning a Logie over someone that's in a soap opera. Yes. We sort of thought, well, if they can do that.

One of the biggest upsets of justice that's ever transpired. I still think if given enough time, given that Prince Harry married someone off suits, if we had enough time, I reckon we could have got Dilruch down the aisle. Was that a voted affair? I didn't know that that was a public vote. Who should this royal marry?

Wow, the monarchy's really gone modern. That's great. So I've entered Crunchy. My cat's called Crunchy. Of course it is. It's a girl's name, obviously. Yeah. So any questions so far, Higgy?

Save them for him. No, it's fine. I've got a pen if you want to make notes. Anyway. It's all right. So all up there? Cool. Tap your head on the podcast.

Good move. So put the cat in. The thing is that the competition has been going for weeks at this stage weeks if not months so we get in

very late in the process in fact the competition has been extended by the time I enter my cat into it now why did they do that

do you have any idea waiting for a special talent like Crunchy yeah not impressed with the talent pool yeah yeah so I would think that maybe they didn't have enough interest enough votes by then and all of a sudden crunchy probably. Not impressed with the talent pool. So I

would think that maybe they didn't have enough interest, enough votes by then and all of a sudden the big dog, the big cat. Well, be careful what you wish for. Yeah, yeah. So end it crunchy in there, get on the socials, talk on the podcast about it. All of a sudden the dum-dum army come alive. They get on there, they vote, they're voting every

day, they're putting heaps of votes on. They're putting a lot of, dare I I say illegal votes By just putting in They were screenshotting examples Of what their votes were Which was basically Putting them Just like

Get at fucked dot com Yeah yeah yeah And like entering it like that Lots of fucking abuse And stuff they're sending in there Right Because it's one of those things You know sometimes

These public vote things It's like you go on the site You put your stuff in Then you get like A verification email Where you have to like Click a link in it And that confirms your vote This one is just like you go on the site, you put your stuff in, then you get like a verification email where you have to like click a link in it and that confirms your vote. This one is just like type in whatever the fuck you

want and also you can see on the site, you can see the numbers that everyone has. So we can see the number like rapidly going up. So there's not much vetting going on. A lot of votes from Mr and Mrs W Gate for instance. Yes, yes. A lot of that. Wesley Gate got a few mentions.

So a lot of that sort of stuff. And you can go through the website and you're literally seeing how many votes everyone's getting, which is funny because some of the cats were getting zero votes, which means that their owner uploaded the pic and then didn't vote for it. Let's assume that their friends weren't waging a fucking campaign on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But there were cats.

Most of them were getting one, two votes or whatever. But there was a few that were getting like 1,000, 2,000, whatever. And we talked about this last week. There was even a cat there that was blind that was going for that angle where the owners got – Not the voice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We don't need a sob story.

Well, exactly. As we said last week, you can't put a cat with its eyes stitched closed on the front of a cat tin. Pick another career. I've always thought this about people with lisps doing radio and shit. You've got to fucking hang on. Yeah. Plenty of strengths. There are other doors that are going to open up for you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. You know? Pick anything else. That cat should have been on radio rather than a visual medium. Could have done anything. Yeah, totally. So a lot of that.

Us and the Dum Dum Army are sort of keeping count of our competitors and voting every day, pushing it out there, whatever. So the vote's going up and up and up. Last week, because I know that this was partly a voted thing but partly a it's the discretion of the judges. So I sent an email to

the company itself and said Dick! Dick company! Which I So I sent an email to the company itself and said... Dick! Which I read out on last week's show that was just pushing and sort of underlining how important a lot of support that we could be giving this cat food company could be to them. Sort of underlining the fact... You're trying to strong-up the company. Yes, totally.

Because that was the thing. We didn't talk about it last week, but we pushed it as like, this is a public vote, this is like, Crunchy is going to be the face. And then a couple of people sent us the terms and conditions where it was like, look, you know, ultimately we're deciding which cat it is. And you know why that is? Is because it's a legal thing, because I know in radio competitions

that if you have a – it means it doesn't have to be registered as a lottery or something. Right. It's like, yeah, it means it's not a gambling – yeah. Conveniently very open to corruption as well. Well, that's – yeah, precisely. I wondered why Crunchy didn't get a Guernsey on Sports bet during the week. So that's why. Well, you couldn't gamble on it.

All right. Yeah. Fair enough. So I sent in a thing. Look, in hindsight, there was a few little things that was pointed out to me during the week that I could have maybe not said within the email. I wasn't quite strong-arming them, but I was saying, look, we've got a lot of listeners. We can force this product onto a lot of people.

You'd be silly not to do it. P.S., why is your company called? All our followers are fucking losers with cats. They're clearly going to buy what we tell them to buy. I had a slightly more silver tongue than that. Yeah, okay. Very rough tongue though. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I did end up – look, one slight regret would be that I was told by a couple of PR professionals in the week afterwards was I did end the whole email with PS, your cat food's called applause. It doesn't quite work as a pun. Like applause? Is it supposed to be paused in there? Or that's the name of it, applause. What you should have, you know, it's food for cats.

What you should have called it maybe, for example, was eating pussies. You said that in your pitch. Yes. Right. Go on. Yeah. Any in your pitch. Yes. Right. Go on. Yeah. Any questions? No.

No. Banking a couple. Still all up here. Once you tap your head, you've got to say, all up here as I tap my head. Tap your head with the mic. That way it'll come through and people can hear. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nice. Like one of those fucking grubs. Yeah. So, anyway, the week rolls on. That was like half a week in. We'd already made quite an impression online in the voting. A week in, with a day or two to go, we hit the front. We hit the front in the front voting.

By a lot? Like what kind of numbers are we looking at? I think, what was it? I think we were chasing like nearly two and a half thousand. Right. Right. So. This is like on the Saturday and it was closing Sunday night?

Yes. Floating was closing Sunday night? Yes. Later in Western Australia. Yes. Yes. It was closing on the Sunday night. We, I think we took the lead on the Sunday morning.

Wow. So it was closing at midnight on the Sunday night. So we're very active on the socials. Were you talking to Crunchy going like, hey, have I got to go? No doubt. I've been meaning to ask that. No doubt in my mind. She was getting some special treatment.

You're going to be a winner. You're going to have a little cram on your head. You're going to have what all cats love, money. No, there was no money. There was no money. All right. It was actually quite a poxy composition. It was the glory. You want to be,

you want to have the face on the tin. And that was about it. It's like winning an Olympic gold medal for fencing. But that's it. Totally. But that's exactly, that's a very great parallel because in the Olympics you're not winning cash prize, you're just getting a medal which you're then not allowed to sort of sell.

So you're just getting... But that's raising your stock so you're going to get endorsements. So like, you know, Crunch a medal, which you're then not allowed a saw to sell. So you're just getting a medal. That's raising your stock, so you're going to get endorsements. So Crunchy could go on and be the face of Nike or Ugly. Crunchy could be on the front of a Weet-Bix package. Crunchy could get a walk-on start for the Central Coast Mariners. Yes. Crunchy could be the face of Crunchy.

Imagine buying a chocolate bar with inexplicably just a cat's face on it Yeah That's fine Are our lives better or worse for doing this podcast? I can't tell at this point Yeah, yeah, I don't know I definitely wouldn't have done this without this podcast So We're in the straight

We've just taken the lead on the Sunday morning Votes close Midnight, Sunday night Someone One of our listeners goes digging And somehow, and I don't know how they've done this But they find the person Who owns the previous leader online

They find that person And their Facebook profile The now second place cat And they've then shared Some posts And look, I'll read Read them out, yeah All capitals Oh no! some posts. Look, I'll roughly read some of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All capitals. Oh, no! A rogue cat has been found. Crunchy has come from nowhere and taken over the lead. She's about 85 votes ahead of Gracie, who now has taken second place. We have all worked so hard and can't let this happen on the home run.

Just 13 hours to go. We need 200-plus secured votes to get ahead. Please, I'm asking you to vote and share. Please, please, please, please, please, please, please. And then she shared another person who was asking for votes. But that link says, please, please, please vote and share. We are now 85 votes behind some fucking cat called Crunchy. The second place person has been the author of that?

Or one of your fans put that on there? No, no, no. That's the lady who owns the cat who's now being beaten. Oh, okay. Gotcha. Yeah, sorry. She's seen this and gone. Because if you're her, right, think of how much pushing you have to do

to like your friends and family and your networks to get up to like two and a half thousand votes. Then all of a sudden in the space of like three days, this other cat just absolutely blitzes you. You're sitting there going, what the fuck's this? They're taking every one of their friends in to vote every single day. We're just going, oh, you listen to our fucking idiot podcast. Chuck us a couple of votes your way.

And boom, within a week we've eclipsed their six, seven, eight weeks work. And so great for you seeing this post from her because now in the way that her cat has been eclipsed, similarly you're now the second saddest person in this story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But this is absolutely like a red rag to a bull to A me and B our listeners.

So all of a sudden it's like, who the fuck is this fucking cat? I'm like, I'll fucking show you who this fucking cat is. And again, are you keeping crunchy your breast at this development? The mean woman wants to know who you are. So I screenshot all of this, put it on all of our socials

and whatever and go, what do you think about this, guys? This fucking cat. How about we take this fucking cat down? Naive of you, I will say. Very naive of you. Look, I blurred a lot of the information out but probably didn't blur enough of the information out. They found her.

So, anyway. What have you done? With the data go, so that all starts kicking off. It spills onto the applause Facebook page. So people are starting, other people, so because they're no longer in the league. Have you heard of, just before, had you heard of applause cat food?

Not once. No. Well, you don't have a cat. But then my parents love me. Right, right. Is there a link? Get around as an adult owning a fucking cat. Who's supposed to own a cat?

A child is supposed to own a cat. I'm like a fucking sad loser. Well, you know what? I would have a dog, but I cannot justify having a dog in a small apartment because it can't run anywhere. We did it. We just fucking were cruel to an animal.

Trim its legs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ripped its legs off and fucking just chucked it across the line. You've got to fucking do, man. Would he be a man in this world or what? And the kids learn a valuable lesson from watching you do this. I'm not sure what it is. I teach valuable lessons in front of my kids all the fucking time.

Didn't even do anything. Look what I'm doing to it. That's life. That's life, kids. Don't buy a cat. So the people who are now coming second have obviously let everyone know and they've started to crack the sads and go, oh, this is unfair, this is really unfair.

All of you guys, all of my friends that have voted for the cat and now we've all wasted our time. This is unfair because it's rigged, everything's rigged. Even if they'd won, they'd wasted their time. For sure. Because if the deadline hadn't been extended, it would have won, right? Oh, I forgot about that. So it was in the lead when the deadline hadn't been extended, it would have won, right? Oh, I forgot about that. So it was in the lead when the deadline got extended,

so it doesn't take long for them to start going, well, this competition's weak. This goes all the way to the top of applause management. This is like that footy game where 19 guys were on the field and they scored all the goals. Exactly like that. Northern North Adelaide Football Club. Yeah.

So now all the friends of these people are just getting on the page of applause. The applause. The applause social medias. Yeah. And just going, this is real. And like having some proper. This is real. Yeah.

Having some proper tinfoil hat moments where they're saying, I bet this cat doesn't even exist. Oh, fuck off. Seriously. The cat doesn't even exist. Oh, fuck off. Seriously. The cat doesn't even exist. The cat's a crisis actor. Yes, yes. And let's imagine for a moment that you're the social media manager

for a poor's cat food. You're probably sitting around, you're bragging to your friends, going, I have literally the easiest job in the world. Put up one cat meme once a week. I just fucking cruise out of the office at 4.30. All of a sudden you come in Monday morning and you've got one of the most. Your computer's melted. One of the most difficult jobs in the country.

So these people are saying, these people are saying, this cat probably doesn't even exist. It's probably made up because they're just saving money. It's a good way for the company to save money by inventing a new cat, having it win, and they don't have to give out any of the prizes. Now, A, first prize is having the cat's face on the tin. Not expensive. That's not a cash prize.

That's nothing. Second prize, and basically what we were lining up to being absolutely justified in winning through just the popular vote, was like a fucking cat bowl. A cat, there was like a little bit of merch in that. So what, they're saving themselves a cat bowl? Yeah, $3. Yeah. So insane, anyway.

Do we want to name the competitor cat? Okay. Well, look, I'll name it within some of the complaints. Okay, sure, sure, sure. I don't want you... Look, guys, don't look up the cat on Facebook. Good teasing, good sizzle. People are going to stick around after the break now.

That's good. I won't give out its phone number, but I will give out its first name. Yeah. So here's an example of some of the unhinged posts. Someone saying, very unethical and quite honestly just a little dishonest. People love their pets.

They are fully unethical but just a little dishonest. To be honest. What is the difference? This is extremely racist and just a little bit bad. Yeah, yeah. I'll let you off the hook on that. People love their pets. They are a big part of the family.

And to see this happen raises a red flag for everyone. Yeah. This is where it all starts, guys. So here's the bit I like. Here's the bit I like. So she says. I would never have known. There you go.

I'm alarmed.. I'm alarmed. Now I'm alarmed. Now, I live in Canada. Oh, great. Great. We're going global, baby. Now, I live in Canada, but we'll be checking to see if your company makes products sold here. If they do, I will not be buying them.

So just to be clear, I do not buy any of your products. I'm very clearly unaware of your products, but I'm going to hunt them down and then leave them alone. And I'm going to take a wild stab here and say that there is absolutely no chance that they are stocked in Canada. Also, the name of the Facebook page that this person is posting on is called Applause Australia and New Zealand. So there's a little

hint in the title there guys. So your best bet would be to announce them as co-winners and give everyone a share of the prize as this contest

looks to be a sham. So now we're supposed to cut the fucking water bowl in half. Melt it down. Melt the plastic down and make two smaller water bowls. So, yeah, here's another one. Contests usually follow very strict rules.

True. I have been voting on the face of applause since the beginning. Since the beginning. AKA six weeks ago. I find it very strange that the rules change and suddenly a cat comes out of nowhere and wins. This says either this contest was designed for this cat to win or someone bought their way to a win.

Excellent. So did Crunchy win? Well, the story is still... Okay, sorry. By the way, we glossed over it in that initial post that the owner made, but can you... The name Crunch crunchy is great it would be so good if you changed her name to rogue cat yeah yeah yeah totally that's so good rogue

cat if we raced her like you know when like horses aren't really called um you know at talac yeah whatever you know they're called brownie or whatever so that's that that rogue cat can be crunchy's race name they're called Crunchy's a real loose cannon Yeah, yeah, yeah So here's another pro cinnamon post Someone Cinnamon Oh, did we say cinnamon before?

We have now Uh-oh Don't say your name Uh-oh Better bleep that So yeah, hit the cough button Me and Heggie are going to turn into an InfoWars segment By the end of it

We're just going to be screaming demanding the truth Blaming lizard people on the dark side of the moon So you've put it out That is so funny That it's like the competitor cat is called Cinnamon That's great So I find it very strange that the rules have changed Cat comes out of nowhere and wins

It means that someone has bought their way to win Like we've paid to get this water bowl In their mind it's a rich little girl Yeah, yeah, yeah Who's complained and heard Daddy, I want cinnamon to be on the cover Yeah, in reality it's Chandler emptying out the fucking change bucket from Spleen And sending it over to applause.

So it seriously makes me wonder about the integrity of the food. Great. So all of a sudden they're implying what? There could be anything in there. There's fiber bars in it. Jimmy Hoffa's in there or something. Yeah. So my vote is and always has been for cinnamon. She didn't have to be bought to win.

Does cinnamon look like crunchy? That would be fucking brilliant. No, different breed. Yeah. has been for Cinnamon. She didn't have to be bought to win. Does Cinnamon look like Crunchy? That would be brilliant. No, different breed. Yeah, pretty average looking breed. Crunchy is a good looking breed. It's a good looking cat. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't even know what Cinnamon is. I don't know all the flavors of the cats. Okay, don't play that dog whistle bullshit with us, buddy. We know what you're getting at. It's a cat from not around here. You want not shitting with us, buddy. We know what you're getting at. What, it's a cat from not around here? You want to build a wall? No, not around here, pal. What about Cinnamon's email, says Carl.

Fuck off. Not going to happen. So that goes all day on the Sunday. Cinnamon hanging out at a pizza parlor. Yeah, yeah. on the Sunday and because I've hanging out at a pizza parlor yeah

yeah so because I've um uh screenshotted some of this and put it up and gone oh look it's all kicking off

on the page all of our listeners to put them in in a nice way uh then have jumped on that page and just gone people

and just turned it into an absolute fucking blood fight yeah all of our listeners a few a few you. A few bad apples. Yeah. Oh, look, a lot of people have had a bit of fun over there.

Some people have gone too far. There's a lot of action going on over on that page. There's a lot of people whining and then a lot of people being told to, in so many words, shut the fuck up. Yeah. And this was shocking to us because we had no idea that the listeners were like this. Yeah, and we don't talk like that or give any sort of ideas like that.

We don't inspire that kind of behaviour in here. No, we've always said do the opposite of what we say. So it goes on and on. We take the lead early in the day. They try to marshal their troops. I'm watching the scoreboards all day. They're marshalling the troops. They're getting one, two, three, four an hour. They're going, they're marshalling the troops. They're going, they're getting one,

two, three, four an hour. We're getting a hundred an hour. Really? Yeah. We end up winning by over a thousand votes. Even to get four an hour,

they're doctoring it themselves. They just don't have as many friends. Yes. There's no fucking way four people are voting for anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's never happened.

It wasn't even a very well-designed website or anything like that. It's actually pretty hard to vote for anything over there. But anyway, so we get to the end of the day. Fucking hell, now the web designer's copying us. Hope he doesn't listen. Hey, prove me wrong. So, I guess the end of the day, you know what? I'm so confident, I go to sleep.

I go to bed at like 10, 10.30 or something like that. Easy. And again, how's Crunchy in all this? Where's she? Crunchy's, you know what? I let Crunchy sleep on the bed that night, so she didn't get kicked out. She slept at the foot of the bed.

A little, listen, Crunchy, Cinnamon hasn't made a concession speech. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'll be coming in the morning. Go to sleep. Go to sleep at Princess Eula. Awake a queen. So you go to sleep. You go to sleep. Go to sleep at Princess Eula. Awake a queen. So you go to sleep. You go to sleep.

How many votes are you up and when is the deadline? Midnight. Midnight. So you've gone to sleep 90 minutes before polls close with a lead of 2,000. That's how cocky. Wow. No, no, no. Like 7,800, whatever.

A lead of 7,800. I know what you're building up to, but I wake in the morning, we've won by even more. So we win. It's a clear result. Lands know what you're building up to, but I wake in the morning, we've won by even more. So we win. It's a clear result. Landslide? Are we going to throw the L through it? Yeah, over 1,000.

Over 1,000. So we win easily. So that's the thing. The other thing is then applause start putting on their social media pages stuff like, yeah, we've had to delete a lot of posts and a lot of people are getting extremely vicious about this sort of posting and whatever. And I'm like, ah. And then there's lot of posts and a lot of people are getting extremely vicious about this sort of posting and whatever and I'm like, oh.

And then there's evidence of like some of the owners of some of the other cats getting threatening messages or stuff like that. So we start going, oh, right, there might be. So my dumb dumb listeners are writing private messages like, hey, Cinnamon's a nice cat. Be a real shame if something happens. Yeah. Be a real shame if someone shortened her legs.

And that's from Elle Heggie, New South Wales. Man, I literally, I did some of it myself. I was seeing some of the posts and I was private messaging people going, can you take down at least the post where you insinuate someone should be putting a knife in their throat? Can you take that one down at the very least? So anyway, it all got a bit... Over a cat.

Yeah. It's great. So anyway, it went far too far. Anyway. You going to bed at 10pm feeling like a victor and waking up to this is just the most wonderful image. Yeah. So we've officially won but I'm like, you know what, I feel like.

It's like finding out Kennedy decided to hit the hay during the Bay of Pigs. That'll be fine. So we've won, but I know that there's like an asterisk there. I'm like, we've still got to do the drug test, you know. Sure. Sure. I mean, me, Ben Johnson has done really well here, but I've still got to pee into a little test tube.

So that was Sunday midnight. We wait the rest of the week and they put out their message, applause on the Facebook page saying we'll be starting to announce winners later in the week. They'll take a little while to do the actual face of the cat food, but we will do some of the secondary prizes and announcements later in the week. They'll take a little while to do the actual face of the cat food but we will do some of the secondary prizes and announcements later in the week.

And the vote tallying at this point is surely a massive headache for them. Yes. You know, they're having to bus people in, work overtime. Count the chads. Yeah. It's got a real Florida to it. Did Al Paul get up?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hawthorne could swing either way. We don't know at this point. Yeah, yeah. Hang on. Some dead people have voted for Crunchy. Hang on. Lassie's dead.

She couldn't have voted for Crunchy? Any cat that was found to have not shit in a litter box was not allowed to vote, which we don't know if it's legal. Yep. So, anyway, so this is hot off the presses. So, it's today when we're recording this. Just so you know, this comes out every Wednesday. We've recorded this episode the Thursday before this came out.

So, Tommy, you don't even know about this. No. This is – I've been carrying this all day. So, I have got an email this morning from Applause Australia so and NZ

not Applause Canada no hey look it's from ANZ at applause.com okay

just giving the email out do what you want with that anyway no lessons learned here in this story that's just a fact it's just a fact. Who am I to hide the truth from anyone?

My name is Ian Applause. The owner of Applause. So, the email as sent at 8.54am this morning. Hi, Carl. Promising. Hello. Congratulations to Crunchy. Oh! She was the most voted for cat in the face of applause competition.

Excellent stuff. No need to hear the rest of this. Okay. That's victory for you. Just shut the old laptop. Hey, it was lovely to see you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you need to see me, I'm doing a live podcast and much more is in.

Great. What is there more? There is a little bit more. Wait, hang on. I'm so sorry. But wait, we should just bring people up to speed on this. We did say if Crunchy won, we were going to hold a victory parade down Riversdale Road.

In Hawthorne, yeah. We're going to get her come, we're going to hold her out the sunroof and listeners can come and watch and cheer. Being held up Simba style at the roof of an old BMW. She'll get shot. In a grassy knoll situation. Cinnamon's owner. Yeah, up in the book depository.

The Hawthorne book depository. Yeah, the litter depository. So, yeah, and look, my cat loves that stuff. I mean, if you look at her funny, she fucking runs away, let alone being picked up. So, hi, Kyle. Congratulations to Curranchy. She was the most voted for cat in let alone being picked up. So, hi, Kyle. Congratulations to Karanji. She was the most voted for cat in the Face of Applause competition.

She is a beautiful cat. Thanks to you and all of your followers for getting involved. Great. Hang on, there seems to be more. Oh, there's more. Scroll down. I really should scroll more. We find ourselves in the unfortunate position.

That's not a good word. No. I'm still holding out hope. Don't read ahead. It could be like an unfortunate position of giving you so much money we've bankrupt ourselves. It could be that. That sort of stuff happens all the time. Yeah. We find ourselves in the

unfortunate position, scroll. However, of not being able to award Crunchy the People's Choice Award for which she would have qualified. What? Following your email to us dated 19th of September and the coverage on your podcast. Can I just, I'm not one to like punch up someone else's stuff,

but could I just put in following your threatening email? We have no choice but to disqualify your entry based on the content contained in them, which contravenes the competition terms and conditions. I did notice our listeners went up by one last week. That's very interesting. Very interesting. This explains it. And we get a lot of personalised data.

Did we get one from Applause City in Sydney? So now look, we can get into this later, but coverage on a podcast, where in the terms and conditions is there a subsection about podcast coverage? Before we get into this, finish the email, because

I'm still holding out hot. I'm still holding out hot. This might be a big prank. Just kidding. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We understand that many of your jokes may have been intended to be lighthearted and are appropriate to your audience. However, some of the content is offensive to us and comes at the expense of the competition and other entrants.

We are all about celebrating cats and dogs, whatever form they take and whoever they belong to. Whatever form they take. It has belong to. Whatever form they take. It has to be a cat or a dog. Like, you've got to be strict on that. This alligator. I know it's 2018, but you're not allowed to transition if you're a cat or a dog. Sorry.

He's a badger trapped in a dog's body. We're a small business that makes natural pet food and we try to do right by pets and their owners. A bit of a plug in there. Yeah. I'll be racing out to buy some cat food from them. And we are stocked in Canada. Yeah. We'd love to send some applause samples to Crunchy.

Maybe she can sell them to her friends and get an upgrade on her cardboard box because the picture that I sent in, the one picture of Crunchy, was her in a little cardboard box. Smiley face. All the best, the applause team. Right. Right.

Okay. But we're out of the running for people's choice, but we could still be in the mix for the actual grand prize. Well, I have sent an email back, so maybe we might be out of that. We might be out of the running for that. Maybe. Look, hey, we might be still a chance. Pray tell, what was this email that you sent back?

Do you mind if we just have a peruse of the email? All right, so. Yeah, and you've sent this, so it's too late to give feedback. Yeah. But would you mind if we still did? Yeah, sure. Maybe perhaps we could tell you where you've gone wrong. Sure.

If you have indeed gone wrong. That's a bit pessimistic. That's a bit email half empty. I'm still holding out hope. You could still win the people's choice. All right. Hi, guys. That's extremely disappointing news to me, my cat,

and the thousands of followers that we activated and promoted your brand to. I respect your decision. However, I hope you respect my terms and conditions. I may not have mentioned this at the time, so apologies, but my terms and conditions are as follows. If I turn thousands and thousands of people onto your

brand and get them to vote in a competition you run in which you gather their email addresses and then deny us the poultry prize that you offered anyway, I get to encourage tens of thousands of listeners every single week from now on to never buy your product and in fact, take time out of their day to actively spread the word by insulting you on social media, email your company to express their extreme disgust and make as

many photoshopped images as they can of your product and its potential to maybe include shards of glass. Oh my God. You have now become the unofficial anti-sponsor of our podcast. Listen every week to hear the rolling coverage. Congratulations, applause, and see you on social media. Thanks again, Carl and Crunchy.

P.S. Thanks for the offer of free samples. My address is unit 12 and I get my address. I think Heggie's way more on board with this story now. Oh yeah. I mean, up until then, I was a bit, you know, a bloody bunch of losers. But, you know, you've done well there with the threats.

Great. Oh, yeah, you're like that. I probably, like, I don't know. I probably would have cut my losses at the terms and conditions shit, which you're right, you're right. But some of your fucking friends did threaten to cut someone's throat. No, they didn't. So I probably would have left it. They didn't. They suggested threaten to cut someone's throat. No, they didn't. So I probably would have left it.

They didn't. They suggested that they cut their own throat. So technically that's a lot nicer. Oh, okay. I beg your pardon. I think this is a job for the dumb-dumb legal department. Do you have any lawyer? There must be some fucking lawyer comedian.

Oh, we do. We've got an unofficial lawyer in this podcast. We do weirdly have a lot of legal. Scott Dooley, did you ever study law? No, but I was. There's a lot of comedians that went from law into comedy. No. Not one of them.

It shouldn't be allowed. Yeah. You are right. I'm fucking sick of it. Yeah. Someone's got to study the terms and conditions to find out that why our coverage on a podcast could eliminate a cat. There's no way.

There's no way that's in there. No, no, no. That's not true. They're just grandstanding. Yeah. I think they might think he'll just back off because he knows that his thousands of people have threatened people with their lives. Yeah, yeah.

He'll swallow this. But no, we don't know Carl Chandler that well. He's going to fucking come back and double down. That is pretty funny To send that email And be like Sure he won't talk about this On the podcast Yeah

Fucking half an hour That's Because there was a meeting And they've sat around I've got it Because this is Send him an email This has come through

On Thursday morning After it closed on the Sunday Yeah So four days of deliberation Have led to this Yeah Yeah 12 angry men style

Yeah I think if one They've had to pay extra people and stuff to do it. They've spent money on this. They've put some people on. Yeah. Fuck yeah. How far can we push this? Can we somehow?

I don't like this. You're going to speak on Luke's behalf here. I don't like the term we. Yeah, I'm out. When applause is hauling you to the Supreme Court, where can it best be character witnesses? Can we justify going to court over a water bowl? Is that possible?

Again, that's for the legal department to answer. I do love a Miracle on 34th Street style, you know, 10,000 letters, all of them addressed to Crunchy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Crunchy the winner. Yeah. Would you know if your cat ended up on a can of food, would you know it's your cat without knowing that you'd taken it

to a photo shoot? No. Cats, pretty fucking similar. Yeah. What's the, you know, that's not racist. They're just fucking similar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So at the crux of it, who gives a fuck?

If there's no cash prize. Hey, you can't have that attitude. Who gives a fuck when you've got a podcast and content everywhere? Look at the content, yeah. One thing I do support is, and I've been reading a lot about this, is people have been complaining that the courts haven't been clogged up with enough cases. Well, you live in New York.

You live in New York. You live in New York. I mean, surely we could get some sort of class action, some sort of fucking, we could live off this for the rest of our lives. Oh, no, yeah, this is your meal ticket. And all you need is someone who's, he's not a big city fancy-talking lawyer, but he's going to get the job done. Yeah, right. He needs suspenders and everything.

I think we certainly know a lot of people like that. So, yeah, yeah, not so much the people who know what they're doing, but, yeah, straight slash simple talkers. I think we have them in abundance. Your Honour, I ain't much by way of book learning. In fact, I don't even know who you are and why you have a wig on. So I'm trying to find, because there was talk on our socials today that applause were going to be announcing the winner today.

Yes. Like as we're doing this. If it's cinnamon, will this sway your choice of whether to pursue it further or not? I think it must. Yeah. Because it can't be cinnamon shortly after the, you know. Exactly.

It sounds like the cinnamon lobby group has gotten to them and my impression is that they've probably threatened them more. Do you know what I mean? Where they've said... Cinnamon owners have said, if Crunchy wins, we're fucking going to you. Yeah, you'll see us in court. Or maybe just no other fuckhead has spent this much time on it as these two losers have in the last two weeks.

I'd like to hear more of Luke's theory. Hey, hey, hey. I think I was bored. Hey, listen, listen, Luke. In defence, in our defence, Tommy didn't spend any time on this. Yeah, I did not vote. I voted a few times and that was it. You're a cool guy.

I mean, you know why. We're literally in the masturbatorium. No other time. Auditorium. No other time. Tommy's palm could be the face of applause. Here's a post on the Applause ANZ Facebook page from three hours ago. Hi, everyone.

The Face of Applause People's Choice winners will be announced today. That's two lucky cats and two lucky dogs. We have put all of our efforts into ensuring that the competition is fair to all of our entrants and in full accordance with the terms and conditions. We'd like to ask everyone to be respectful and to help us maintain a supportive, open, inclusive and fun community page. Our goal today is to celebrate our winners all together. Oh, you dickheads.

Because of you they had to write that whole... But also, can we do this podcast for the next probably five or six hours until the result is three? We're going to have to. I'm not fucking leaving here until I get a result. It's definitely not going to be crunchy for starters. No, it's not, but I want to see if it's cinnamon.

Right. So we've got, I know there's one listener here on this thread that I just read out. Where are those T's and C's? I was never able to find them. Interesting. There we go. Interesting.

That's interesting. Yeah, they've got to, I mean, they've got to fuck up and announce it. Our legal fraternity need to find what's relevant when talking about a podcast. Like, what are they, is this a straw they're clutching at? Is there any justification in dragging our podcast into this? If we can – Say what you will about the cat, but you leave the podcast out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know this is a long shot given the email that you received saying that your cat certainly won't win. But let's say it does. Can we organise a Mad Monday for Crunchy? Oh, totally. Totally. Go to Vegas and... I don't care. I'm just saying

dicks out, singing Neil Diamond. Fuck, you know those court cases where someone has to be reinstated, wrongful dismissal, and then someone's forced to go back and they're forced to have their job again. And all of a sudden there's someone working there that the boss really doesn't want.

What if we force them against their will to have my cat on the front of their team? Or forever. Or in the, again, very unlikely case, even though we have an email saying it's definitely the case, that Crunchy isn't. Can we make Crunchy stickers and encourage people to put Crunchy on the packets of applause in the supermarket? I like that very much.

Like the way it happens sometimes at JB Hi-Fi, you know, that kind of. Yes, right. And we have someone that has access to this kind of stuff. Yes, that is a very good... Look, last resort idea. Yeah. Once we go through the more simpler avenue of going through the courts... Yeah, if we lose the case,

we go straight from the courthouse to the sticker factory. Yeah, we go straight from the high court to Officeworks and then we'll try the last resort. Yeah. So, yeah, there's still nothing. There's no update yet about – they haven't posted anything. Now, this, of course, when this goes out, on the day it comes out, this will all be sorted, of course, but this is by then.

But it's also – it's a public holiday. Oh, no, they're probably not based in Melbourne, are they? No. Because I was going to say this would have to be happening in the next – like it's 10 to 4. Yeah. And they're saying – well, yeah, they they? No. Because I was going to say this would have to be happening in the next, like it's 10 to 4. Yeah. And they're saying, well, yeah, they're saying today. Yeah. It would have to be happening in the next, by close of business.

Next hour, yeah. Yeah. Bumper rep, guys. We can't, I've really got to go soon, so. Wait, is there a phone number? Can we just call it? Oof. Alright. Call the applause hotline. Just make an inquiry. That is an excellent, that is an excellent idea. That's a cold can of cake with Scott Dooles, isn't it?

It'll be a gotcha call if Dooles pretends to be crunchy. If he gets on the phone. Dooles, you're such an ideas man. If crunchy wins, mad Monday. If loses, we get the stickers. This is all good stuff. This guy has worked on Breakfast Radio. Applause is spelt like

a pun. A-double-P-L-A-W-N. But it's not a pun. Not a very good pun, though. It doesn't really make sense. It's just the word applause, but with pause broken up by an L in there, so it doesn't really work properly

so contact have you left no they haven't I don't think they've got their number there what are you looking up on their website unless you look on there's FAQs see if one of those is how do you sleep at night is there

Tommy can you have a look? Yeah, I'm having a look. Maybe if there's a phone number on Google or anything like that. Australia. But there seems to be only, yeah, the email address that they gave that I've sent a few emails to. It wasn't on the email, Sig. No. Oh, wait, here we go.

They're probably taking the phone number off it since your mob got involved. Yeah, possibly. Possibly. Possibly. All the CEOs are in witness protection right now. Yeah. How can... It is close to...

It's the digital equivalent of finding out someone's a pedophile. Like, they've gone and burnt down the house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, there's no sympathy for them. Yeah, yeah. Chased them out of town. So they've got a postal address. There's no phone number on the contact section.

Okay, guys, let's wait. They're going to have to reply. It says, applause care of MPM Products Limited. So maybe if I look up MPM Products Limited, that'll get us through. I was going to say, if you can use this at all, their ABN is 60709085591. I don't know what you can do with an ABN, but there it is.

Speaking of dumb, I flew into Australia today. And when you're filling in that customs card, you know, the entry to the yellow card that you put, it's got emergency contact. And you can put someone's name. Crunchy. I put crunchy. Then you put their phone number.

Or you could have put applause. Email address. Yeah. Or postal address. What kind of emergency? Yeah. I'll write them a quick letter. Quick, is this person diabetic or not?

Hang on. PO box 44. Okay, I think I've got a phone number for the building that they're... So it said care of MPM. Yeah. And I've got the number here for MPM. Call and put it on speaker. Okay.

Well, no, who wants to make the call? I think Carl should talk. Oh, am I? I feel like that makes sense. When you initiated, I thought you were going to do it. So do I? I could. Well, we could...

So what are we saying? We're saying we want to know is there any results for the applause. Maybe is there anything. Maybe you know someone that has a cat that's hypothetically been disqualified. I'm very, very enamoured with a cat called Cinnamon on your thing. Just wanted to know if she won. Oh, I'm just a Cinnamon fan. Yeah.

Or maybe you could ask is there anything hypothetically we could do if we hop They're out of business. Great. What the fuck? Great. You ran him out of business. Wow. Fucking hell. They've gone into meltdown in there. Yeah. They've just battened down the hatches, drawn the curtains, left the phone off the hook.

I'm not giving up that easy. Fucking hell. So was there anything in an email, Sig? No, no, no. Like I said, just the ABN. I've got the bricks and mortar address, but I do not have anything. Oh, let's go there. Yeah, it's in Bondi.

Let's head over. Let's head over, boys. Okay. What can you do with an ABN? I don't know. Get an ABN lookup and find out business details, but I don't know if they'll have a phone number. Ah, yeah, that's good.

Right. You say that like someone who's had to threaten some business. I've thrown an egg or two in my time, but don't worry. Well, as you're listening to this, if you're walking past Level 766 Clarence Street Sydney New South Wales

2000 Australia And you've got a few free eggs And you've got a bloody good arm Yeah And you're not one for In my experience Quite hard

Yeah Yeah That's a fucking big throw Doesn't seem like much The number 7's not large But That's a big throw I'm going to try this number again

Maybe it was just engaged What the fuck is going on? Isn't that the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing and expecting a different result Let's give it a third try I did wonder what the angle on that was But yeah Fuck

Guys, now we wait Yeah Hegg heggie questions yeah you got it you got any of them to get through oh oh you answered most of them one question probably is what sort of probably if you cast mine back maybe 22 or 24 minutes ago fucking hang on on their audacity of someone who wants to be taken seriously legitimately starting a sentence with, our cat breeder called us. That says a fucking lot. There's always something funny too about people referring to a cat

from the same breed as Crunchy's brother. It's correct but it sounds weird. Yeah, Crunchy's brother Jack. So there's applause.co.uk? Yeah, it's originally a UK brand. Oh. Yeah. I reckon this has gone right to head office.

I reckon your thing has garnered a lot of interest in all the offices. It's changed the way teams and conditions are going to get written. Yes. Yeah, yeah. This is a landmark case. Yeah. It was some new kid, first week, guys, what if we do this? It's going gonna be a thing

this is blown off and then all you've heard ringing down the hallways this is this is the new wade versus roe this is like uh crunchy versus applause it really was great like when when people were firing up on their page and their and applause is replying going oh you know we just wanted to have a bit of fun and have up on their page and applause is replying going, you know, we just wanted to have a bit of fun and have people celebrate their cats and dogs and their cherished members of their family. And then people are going, you are dead cunts. If you don't put cinnamon in, we are going to bomb this factory.

Look, at the very least, that's it. They started the shit fight, right? Team Cinnamon put all this shit on and then we were our people were reacting to it so cinnamon get like you can't throw the first punch and then not expect 12 times as much yes or at the very least they can't they've got to come down with us but i mean yeah look it's the equivalent of splashing someone in a pool and them shooting you repeatedly i said this to you during the week. This is our equivalent of when those Rick and Morty fans went

crazy about the Szechuan sauce. This is what we've inspired. But having said that, that would be a case where Rick and Morty did something just as bad themselves which they didn't really, but I did. Yeah, totally. But having said that,

recognise the problem, I refuse to change any of my podcast. If anything, I'm going to double down. Exactly. You know what, to be honest, at the start of this podcast, I was like, well, this is it. But now that the idea of illegal chase is on, well, I'm totally into it. More content.

Just always hark back to the T's and C's Nothing in there about podcasts You've fucking got them buddy Yeah yeah yeah You want to play this game We can play this fucking game Yeah you could have given us One water bowl

I'll be fucking getting Six off you now So you've really fucked this And you know that they're Listening to this podcast Going they won't do it And then one of them Is just looking

They've been to Thailand twice There's only one T's and C's I care about do it and then one of them's just looking they've been to Thailand twice. There's only one T's and C's I care about and that's Tommy and Chandler. Boom. So this is until the right thing has been done applause

You're going to take the moral high ground at this stage. There is ads running for applause or against applause as as the case may be, on this show until the right thing has been done. Until we get the rightful prize or prizes. You want that water bowl? We've got to get that water bowl. You got off with the fucking prize.

They would have sent you heaps of merch plus samples. Samples last for ages. You would have had heaps of stuff. I don't want samples. What do you want? I want prizes. They would have sent you How do you know

They sent you Run off That's like new flavours That they decided Were too gross To end up It's probably dog food Put in a cat food tin

Yeah Just say they send you a bowl To placate you What's going to happen? I don't think that's enough They had their chance They had their chance Of one bowl

In the spirit of doing Anti-applauses Do you mind if you and I do the first one? Oh, totally. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Oh, hey, Carl. Hi, Dules.

Hey, can I ask you a personal question? I think we know each other well enough, sure. So it's my cat. Yep. It looks so lifeless. Its skin's falling off. It's going terribly. I don't know what I'm doing.

Whereas your cat, Crunchy, looks amazing. What's the secret? Ah, well, I feed it anything but applause. See the shards of glass hanging out the neck of your cat? That's a dead giveaway of applause cat food. My food, which is anything but applause, is just meats, grains, vegetables, not like crystallised sand that has turned extremely sharp and ended the life of one of your loved family members.

Wow. Hey, before I go... Oh, you're going? Well, you're answering his question, isn't it? Hi, Tommy Dasolo from the Gundam Club. I'm in the room now. I didn't notice you there. Any questions for Tommy?

Tommy, would you also like to distance yourself from the things Carl just said? Yeah, I mean, sorry, I missed the start of this conversation. I've been down at my uncle works at the Applause cat food factory. I don't know if you guys have heard of it. We were just talking about that. I've just been spending another rich afternoon personally putting my dick into and inseminating every single packet of Applause cat food that they manufacture.

Wow. Sorry, I don't know if that's relevant to what you guys were talking about. To be fair, that was happening before this competition started. I've got to say, I have never... Oh, who's this? Hey, it's only bloody Luke Higgins in Sydney. I didn't notice. I wondered who that guy over there was who was tapping his head with his finger.

He remembers so much. Always thinking. I've got to say, I've never appreciated improv in the past. And the sexual predators who conduct it. I'm a recent convert. I quite like this. That's got to do with his cat food at the world. Wonderful to get some feedback.

Weird how calling people sexual predators is the nicest thing anyone's said in the last minute and a half. That's actually a good name. We could do like a – could we do a limited run like a capsule collection of our own competing cat food brand and just call it anything but applause? Yes, right. Yeah. I think we need to do that.

Eating pussy cat food. And maybe – fuck. Crunchy's going to be the face of eating pussy cat food. But look, if it's applause. No, we still hold the competition. I think it's eating pussies because she is a pussy that eats. But if it's applause is the main competitor and they've got to really, why don't we just do as bad, like standing meowvation or something. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Take a bad not pun. It kind of could be. Something worse than that. If you're prepared to mispronounce one of the words, it works really well. What about meowlicious? Because that's so clunky and it doesn't work, but it's like I understand.

Yeah, that's so bad it must already exist though. Right. But we can work, we could actually do this. We could make our own small run of boutique cat food and just sell it on the web store to anyone who wants it. Yeah, okay. Bring it to live shows. Yeah, we could just do a run of 10 packets or something.

And of course this is... There's no such thing as a packet of cat food. It's in a can. Well, okay, fine. If you know how to get canning done, then let's do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Canning's easy. What's hard is getting fucking,

and they are animals, I get it, but in this modern era of fucksticks, you've still got to pass heaps of health regulations to even feed fucking animals now. What we will do... You've got no chance of producing cat food.

No, what we will literally do is buy another brand of cat food, steam off the label, put our own label back on, and up it by 10 cents a can. There you go. No legal issues with that at all? What we will literally do is buy another brand of cat food, steam off the label, put our own label back on, and up it by 10 cents a can. There you go. No legal issues with that at all? That is business.

If someone wants to open up a can of Meowlicious cat food and then test it and go, I know where this comes from, fucking go for it. Well, if we're just going to be stealing someone else's food, can we call it hacky, Tom? Oh, yeah. Yeah, nice. Well, look.

I'm out of here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, hang on. They've just gone live. Oh. Announcing our People's Choice winners. Congratulations. P.S.

Remember the two Face of Applause winners are still to be announced. Keep an eye out next week. Your pet could still be winning one year's worth of applause at professional photo shoot and have their lovely face on the front of our cans. You hear that, Carl? I'm hearing it. You're still in the mix. Okay, they've put a little video to announce it. What is it?

And the winners are... That's a dog! That's a dog! That's a dog category Bonnie May. What? Who's cat? What the fuck? Cinnamon! Cinnamon! Cinnamon!

Cinnamon! Cinnamon! Cinnamon! Cinnamon! Cinnamon! You piece of shit! Cinnamon's in. Cinnamon won the people's choice.

You piece of shit. Oh, it's fucking on. This. Right, okay. Okay. That's it. I'm getting the fucking feline Perry Mason under this fucking shit. This is it.

This is it. Oh, you have picked a dangerous enemy, my friend. It is on. Fuck. All right. Anyone who has ever seen even an old episode of LA Law on TV One or anything like that, hit me up. I need all the help I can get.

But let's bring these guys to the high court. Oh, man. Fuck the grand final. The hour wait to find that out was electric. Jesus Christ. Have you screenshot the original Cinnamon abusive post with fuck in it? Cinnamon's owner said, who the fuck is this?

Is this rogue fucking cat? There you go. That's got to breach some T's and C's. Yeah. Accusations of rogue cats. That's not in breach some T's and C's. Accusations of rogue cats. That's not in the spirit it's intended. I actually made sure I didn't say anything wrong

on any of the socials or anything like that. How about you practice that a bit more in your daily life? That's where you said they literally put shards of glass in their cat food. You really didn't Up until that point you hadn't done anything wrong. Yeah.

I choose to strike those from the cake. All right. Well, we got a lot to follow up on this. Boys, we did it. We talked about cat food for a whole hour. They said it couldn't be done. Yeah. They said it shouldn't.

They said we couldn't do it. No it shouldn't they said we couldn't do it no I think they said that about our last episode but yeah alright we've got to wrap it up for another week guys things you would like to plug Heggie you've got shows

and stuff coming up yeah sure I've got a new album out great go to your local lukheggie.com store and get one

what's it called it's called Tip Rat Tip Rat yeah autobiography pretty much yeah.com store. What's it called? It's called Tip Rat. Tip Rat. Yeah. Autobiography? Pretty much. So it's downloadable at LukeHickey.com?

No, you've got to buy a hard copy and I send it to you by snail mail. Really? Yep. Love it. So fucking take it easy. Right. Wait for your hard copy to turn up. With a bonus bottle opener.

Oh, a bottle opener. Oh, well, I guess you can't download that so that makes sense. Yeah. Could we potentially, if we launch this new competing cat food brand, could we do one of those old school things where it's like

if you mail in 10 barcodes, you get a copy of Luke Hickey's tip wrap mailed to you? Easy. I will also throw in a copy of Scott Dooley's debut. Yes, great.

Great. What happened to the mailing in a barcode competition? I never do them anymore. What happened to the mailing in a barcode competition? I never do them anymore. We need to buy a copy of Luke Heggie's tip rat to get the bottle opener and maybe open the cans when we launch the new cat food. If you're serving cat food in a fucking stubby,

it's going to work superbly. That's not a bad hook. That is a good angle. That'd be great. Dools, what have you got? You've got a bad hook. That is a good angle. I'd be great. Dools, what have you got? You've got a new podcast. Podcast is There's Something in This, which is where Jason Chatfield and I bring you into the writers' meeting

where we come up with the cartoons we do for The New Yorker. So you pitch cartoons for the prestigious New Yorker magazine every week, which I'm very impressed by. Very interesting thing to get into. Shame that we had no time for it this week. Actually, we're doing a live podcast, so if you're going to be in New York on October 17 at Muchmore's, we've got a very special guest that we can't advertise,

but you should come. It's off the Bedford L. Cool. Yeah. Right. Okay. Well, I can't wait to hear who this special guest is in about a minute. Okay. It's off the Bedford L. Cool. Yeah. Right. Okay. Well, I can't wait to hear who this special guest is in about a minute. Okay.

It's Cinnamon. It's special guests now. They're either someone really famous or a pervert that you can't announce. Or both. I feel like the little girl from the taco app. Why not both? Hang on. Once you go in, once you pay your money to come and see this live podcast, does

that waver what way you have rights for a famous comedian to come and pull their dick out of their jacket in front of you? Is that what's going on? Check the T's and C's. All right, guys, thanks very much for joining us and we'll see you next time. See you, mate. Fuck you, applause. Now, last week, I hesitated to say it. See you, mates So can we do it again? But this is the thing. Did we – because I didn't want to make a fool out of myself and say they've done it again if we hadn't done it again.

Yep. But I feel like in the last week the listeners have let us know that, you know, by and large they seem to think that we've done it again. Right. The guests perhaps not so much. I think we – But we did it again. Thanks to talking dumb-dumb, I think we did it again.

Yep. Yep. So, okay. I agree. We've done it again. So we have done it again. But I'll tell you what, I was starting to take the phrase they've done it again. Yeah. Yeah. So, okay. I agree. We've done it again. So, we have done it again. But I'll tell you what, I was starting to take the phrase, they've done it again for granted.

You know, it was really nice to get a bit of a, you know, to taste it almost being taken away from me. It's given me a renewed appreciation for doing it again. It's made the words real again. Like, it was just sort of wallpaper there. I will say between you and me, the passion is back. Yeah. You know?

Yeah. We are making love in a whole new way. It's like we had a big fight last week and now we're just, the make-up sex in this episode was incredible.

The eye contact's back. Yeah. All right. But, yes, we will say, you know, we've had a week, not to dwell on the past

too much because we have new things to obsess over. But, you know, a lot of people very nice about last week's episode and in particular our efforts in it, our dealing with it. And that was very nice to hear that a lot of people still, you know, still enjoyed our work in there and very, very supportive of what we had to work with. And, yes. Yeah, but nice this week to have a genuine, an old-fashioned episode where all the guests were funny.

Yeah. And we were funny. Looking forward to hearing the feedback on this one because that was a, that was a, this one was recorded literally the day after last week's one. Yeah. So we really needed a win. Yeah. And this was a wonderful afternoon.

This was, this was a bunch of champs that had been like smarted by defeat. We'd copped a blow to the nose and it woke us up and we just went bang, bang, bang. Yep. The sun was out and the riffs were flowing. Yeah. Heaps of hot news off the back of that. So, look, do what you will with all that information we sort of put in there. But, yeah, I'd be very interested to hear if a certain company

listened to this one as they clearly listened to another episode. Yes. Well, I hope they listened to last week's. Yeah. That would really punish them. But yeah, this is going to be – this will be another one that gets talked about for a long time, I think. And as you said to this man as he was leaving my house,

Scott Dooley always just – he's like Forrest Gump of this podcast. He just always ends up on the big landmark ones. Yes, he does. He's always in the middle of something dramatic happening. So he's been there for a few big moments. But, hey, very quickly, we did say at the top of the episode, but worth a quick mention right now, guys, if you want to come to a live show,

and there's plenty of you, the people that live in these cities that haven't got your tickets yet, so we would love you to come along and see our rare times where we visit Brisbane live podcast and stand up Sunday October 21 Melbourne live podcast Saturday October 27 Perth live stand up and podcast Sunday November 18 nearly sold out that Perth one the other ones have got we are in very very decent sized venues so we are not

sold out for that but we want to fill those big venues up as much as we can and make a cool vibe yeah they're great

lineups as well it's going to be heaps of fun so yes get onto it littledumbdumbclub.com something else you can find at littledumbdumbclub.com

is links to our Patreon which is a place where you can choose to financially support the show. We really appreciate it. It means a lot to us that people enjoy this enough

to chip in a little money. We send out a bonus episode every month. We send out a little magazine every month that we put together and we fill with articles and drawings and stuff. And we also do a little thing here in the back end of the show where we thank the people who support us every week, every episode. It's a different number every time.

Different number what? Of names that we read. Right. Okay. And it's different names as well every week. We don't read the same names every week. Yeah. We've never done that.

So we want to make that very clear. There's not like, you know, say, for example, five people that sponsor us and we just keep reading those same five over and over again. No, that would be madness is doing the same thing again and again and expecting the same result as got pointed out to me in this episode that you just heard. Does that make us mad because we just keep doing it again over and over? Interesting.

Interesting. I guess, yeah, we keep doing it again and expecting the result to be different like it's going to be somehow that they haven't done it again. Yeah. But lo and behold. Yeah. We've done it again. haven't done it again. Yeah. But lo and behold. Yeah. We've done it again. We are doing it again.

Yeah. Yeah. All right. Do we have a guest for this or not? Let's – Do we need one? I thought we discussed that we did, but it sort of seems like now we're not going to. Oh, okay.

Well, should we – Let's do one and see how we go. All right. Do you want to – or do you want to not? We'll intro him right now. Okay. We might as well. We'll get into it.

Guys, we have a special guest on the back end of this program. It is someone who just heard the microphone being taken out of the case and absolutely, like the bat signal, just ran towards it. Could not handle not being spoken about or to or from. So please welcome into Talking Dumb Dumb, Dilruk Jaya, singer. Yes. Very unfair. That signal went up and Bruce Wayan hopped into his seat.

Yes. If only I could think of a riff on Batman. Batmaniman. There we go. I was peacefully here on my phone because we just did a Patreon bonus step and I was just enjoying your little riff in between you two as a listener. We were debating whether, you know, because I'm going to give you a lift somewhere after this

and we were debating whether you should hop in or not and then we sort of turned the mics on without resolving whether or not you were actually going to do it. Well, all right. I'm ready now. I switched off my comedy brain and I was more in listening into comedy brain How many years ago did you do that? Nice

Just lobbed it Andrew Gaze to Copeland Sorry? We don't talk like that on this podcast mate At the very least Don't do the eyes Yeah Jesus

The brown eyes We're back Alright I'm in the eyes. Yeah, jeez. The brown eyes. We're back. Oh, God. No complaints, please. Jesus. We've been... Get Pablo back. We've been hanging out all day, we should point out. Yeah, we have. Carl and I went for a massive run earlier

today, nearly an hour. Seven and a half Ks, then we went and ate. Had like papaya ice cream and sweet potato ice cream. How was that, by the way? The papaya one was phenomenal. The sweet potato was all right. It was good. It was from Aunty Frankly, a very good restaurant.

They've got a quote from Dilruba at the front of it, in the window. It's just near my house as well. I've recommended them once in a newspaper and they love me ever since then so that's pretty cool right that's cool so yeah then we've done the patreon thing and now this didn't they we just went along and had lunch there but didn't they promise you a free lunch or something yeah this was two people and then you know we had three years i felt bad oh because of tommy because it's tommy's fault oh here we go here we fucking go but they gave the desserts complimentary. Oh, yeah. So, you know, which you had none of.

Yeah. So that's good. I didn't, you know, that was the two-person thing. I didn't choose to have any of them. It would have been nice if we had a free meal. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'll get you guys next time.

All right. I'll buy you a Whopper on the way home. Okay, good. Yeah, thank you. So, yes, it's been a long day. But let's do it. Sorry, I meant to say I'll be driving a Whopper home. Thank you.

So, yes, it's been a long day, but let's do this. Sorry, I meant to say I'll be driving a whopper home. I think, you know what, it's like I actually felt like I was starting to get good at the fat jokes just around the time that you lost all the weight. Yeah, I was. So it's like I finally warmed up to it, so I can't turn it off because it's like, well, what a waste of this skill that I built up. To be fair, when you said I'll be driving a whopper home, I thought that meant that you'll be driving your whopper, your dick home into his ass.

I thought that was the joke. Wow. Wow. That's better. Yeah. Now, what's worse, fat shaming or that? Whatever that is. It's not even homophobia.

Yeah, who's in the wrong there? You for saying it or me for interpreting it? Comedy is the error of that. It's not even homophobia. Yeah, who's in the wrong there? You for saying it or me for interpreting it? Comedy's the error of that. No, I think I saw that. I'd like to co-share the blame on that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If that's possible. I'll be co-sharing my dick in yours.

All right, no more fat jokes, please, mate. Crack of fat jokes. Oh, yes. Woo! Crack it. No, I've got 10 kilos to go, so you can still do some fat jokes. To what? Like, more fat to get to my normal.

Like, not normal. 10 kilos until you're... Oh, wait. Oh, wait, yeah. 10 kilos until you're just fat. Yeah, until I'm just like, oh, he has a weight problem. Yeah. Well, good luck with that.

Well, thank you. I'm sure that sweet potato ice cream would have helped. Well, to be fair, sweet potato, it's always better for you than normal potato, isn't it? Anything with the word ice cream in it is not good. Yeah. Yeah, it's better than potato ice cream. Yeah, yeah. That's it, exactly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fried potato ice cream. Wedges ice cream. Yeah, yeah, yes. Onion rings ice cream. Ice cream, ice cream, ice cream. Oh, the best. Thatges ice cream. Yeah, yeah. Yes. Onion rings ice cream. Ice cream. Ice cream ice cream. Oh, the best.

That's very fatty. Oh, man. Yeah. So, Patreon subscribers, I don't know if you've listened to this show before, Dilrub, but we have some people that... You're a virgin? Yeah. First time...

Long time listener for a show. I'm not going to call it. Love it. Someone did mention how many appearances I've had And I was hoping to get to the 50th And like lift the bat And you know sort of say Hey this is the 50th

This isn't the 50th No no no Not counting the Patreon episodes But the actual episodes Or the back end Yeah yeah yeah So anyone listening Let me know how many I've been

Is it like Is appearances on the normal show That's like your test match Appearances on the Patreon episodes that's like your test match appearances on patreon episodes that's like you know no no that is uh that's that's like an exhibition no no no like i said in the that's a one day no one just had this discussion on a patreon episode that we recorded 35 minutes ago what's happening to his memory episode this is a different not everyone hears that yeah okay all right true that's a different episode. Not everyone hears that. Yeah, okay. That's a fair point. But yes, I was saying how the Patreon bonus apps are like test matches. The studio

apps are like one day and then live ones are like 2020. So I think the Patreon bonus apps would be then like an exhibition match that's like, you know, hey, let's mix India and Pakistan together in harmony or something like that. Okay, now we all get that. So ultimately pointless.

Ultimately, I'm Arjuna Ranatunga. Arjuna runner not mucher. All right. What, muncher? Huh? What, muncher did you call him? No. I say a lot of horrible things but I didn't say that.

I've been around you two all day and I'm going out for dinner with a non-comedy friend tonight so I feel like I'm just going to need to sit in a room in silence to just kind of recalibrate my brain otherwise it's going to be me sitting there going bleh! You could argue there are moments in our chats which was pretty non-comedy as well.

Yeah, that's fair. Go and do one of those isolation tanks or something. I've been talking, now this is again getting distracted, but I would pay for Carl to go to one of those isolation tanks, those float tanks. I'll go myself. I don't need to be paid for it.

No, but I'm saying is you won't last the whole hour. You reckon? I don't think you can. I think your brain is so fucked Go on. that there is just this I think it's going to turn into a compliment.

You wait. No, but I think A, you're quite restless. You're addicted to your phone and Facebook and stuff. You're constantly on it. So having to not only just shut off from that but then just lay there with no noise and no sight, it'll do your head.

This is going to blow your mind but sometimes I go to sleep. Yeah, that's different. Sleep is complete. You're dreaming away. And plus you're dreaming of riffing. Oh, wow. You can stay off Facebook when you're unconscious. Well done.

Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Do you use Facebook when you're on the dunny? Look. Who doesn't? I'm certainly on Facebook a bit, but I also think I get a slightly unfair rap, slightly, because I just leave it on all day as I'm working.

I'm on my laptop doing work all day and it's sitting on there in the background. Yeah. So. Yeah. Look, I'm only tweeting what you said a little bit. You would find a way to hotwire the sensory deprivation tank and be able to troll people on Facebook just using

the tape. Hacking into the wiring to somehow get on... No. How quickly do you check your phone and Facebook as soon as you wake up? My phone... Not Facebook so much. I'll check the news as I'm lying in bed. Oh, okay.

You go straight to news. Well, I go straight to sports, to be fair. Which is news. Yeah, it is technically news. Then you look at Fred Bassett. Yeah, that's a sport. You start working your way backwards. Oh, right, right, right. You go to the cartoons. Oh, right, yeah. Then you look at Fred Bassett. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's a sport. No, you start working your way backwards. Oh, right, right, right.

Yeah, you go to the cartoons. Oh, right, yeah. Then the financials. I check to see who's dead and then I see what football class is up to. Yeah, what Club X deals you can get. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about you? No, no, look, easily.

I'm very keen because a couple of people have been talking lately about this. All right, we'll go. Yeah, I want to do it too. I was actually, I think I'm almost ready because I've talked to you about this in the past and how like I don't think I could do it. But I'm slowly coming around to it and I think I'm ready. I love it. I did two or three times.

You laughed at me because last time I said it was good for me to come up with material while I was in there and you were like, you fucking idiot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but it is – you get a little few – what's the word? Revelations or inspiration. So, yeah. Yeah, but it is. You get a little few, what's the word, revelations or inspiration. So, yeah. Yeah. All right.

I'm keen to do it as soon as we can all do it together. In the same chamber. Yeah, yeah. Nude floating around in one thing. Oh, imagine my cackle in that sort of chamber. Oh, God. They're like, sorry, I think there's a whale stuck in underwater. Yeah.

That would be good. All right. All right. Let's do it. How many are you guys doing in this? Do you have many names? Well, we have a thing. I know you haven't heard this show before, but we have a machine.

The big shiny device that you're looking at in front of you. Oh, is that it? Yeah. Oh, wow. That's not a sensory deprivation chamber that he has in his own place. Yeah. Right. That's the unplanned title alternator

so that contains all the names of the people that donate to the show so many names yeah what a big tank they get a they get a free magazine

every month they get a free episode every month wow he just gives he's giving away content it's pretty amazing it's like we're the mother Teresa of podcasting

yeah so they get their names read out but they certainly get the chance to have it read out every week every week we read out a bunch of certainly get the chance to have it read out every week. Every week we read out a bunch of, sometimes a couple of hundred, sometimes one.

Oh, bumper episodes. Yeah, it just goes. Yeah, there was that time we did one. That was good because we got out of here real quick. Yeah. But then that time we did a hundred, that took fucking ages. Yeah, the first three-day podcast we put out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

So do you do it, like, sometimes do you repeat the numbers at any point, the same number of stuff? I don't think we've ever kept record. Oh, okay. We're good not to do the same number week after week. I feel like we did a couple of hundred in a row. Really? A couple of times we did 300, then 250, then 304. Well, it's still different digits, but I get it.

I'm not sure. We'd have to go back into the archives to have a look. Okay. So do you know how many you're going to be doing today necessarily? Look, man, you know what? You're the guest. You tell me. Okay. Well, i don't know what time is it it's it's near but we've got that gig to go to afterwards as well i gotta go home so a couple hundred you think

maybe just 50 50 okay you know what no i'm just so used to like like multiplying everything by 10 like even when why would you be used to that because that's how we now have like breakfast and stuff yeah i'm like how many eggs do you want 20 oh actually make it two right so i'm trying to change my ways oh that's that's the secret to your dieting yeah yeah everything that i have dividing by 10 oh right right dividing by 10 diet i've never heard of that but it sounds good that's why i only take the top one inch of tomm Tommy's dick when he fucks me in the bum. Diet cock. Oh, man.

So, I don't know. I've lost track of the maths. I can see why you were picked to be on Have You Been Paying Attention Now? with riffing like that. You talking about bumming Tom Gleisner every week. Yeah, alright. Well, what have you said? We'll do that many. What's the maths?

10 divided by 5, 50 divided by 10? It's your diet, mate. That's 5. It's your diet. You should know. Alright, 5 then. Thank you to, let's go, thank you to Patreon subscriber Patreon.

Patreon subscriber. Patreon. Patreon. Oh. Patreon subscriber, Brooke Window. Why are we laughing at Window? Why is he laughing? Tommy's taking quite a fancy to that name. I really like that. I really, really like that.

I was joking about not listening before, but I don't get it. It just sounds funny. Window. You know, a window is a thing in a house. Also, when your last name's Window and you have a kid. Don't call your kid Brooke. Don't call your kid something that is incredibly close to broke. Broke Window.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very good. Brooke Window. Yeah. It sounds like a previous guest of our show in an accent talking about a broken window. Ah, Brooke Window. Oh, my God. Did not do the eyes. Didn't do the eyes. No, a brook window. Oh my God. Did not do the eyes.

Didn't do the eyes. No, you did the eyes. That'd be the good thing about the sensory deprivation tank. You could just do the eyes as much as you want and no one's around to see it. Deprivation.

Guys, come on. A bit of decorum, please. Is that thinking behind what you just said, is that what happens when you get home at night? Like you're doing it here, you're doing the podcast here. As soon as you get away from yourself, into the car by yourself,

you just start doing the eyes? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Yeah. It's just a thing you hide in front of other people. Yeah, exactly. Right. That's your true form.

Right. Okay. You know. Is that like in traffic? Like some people pick their nose, but you're just doing the eyes in traffic? Yes. At the traffic lights?

Yeah. No one can see in there. Yeah. Someone's trying to wash your window and you're just doing the eyes in traffic at the traffic lights. No one can see in there. Someone's trying to wash your window and you're just doing the eyes going, sorry, mate, I can't get any money out of my pockets. I'm doing the eyes. That's actually not bad. Like it's a way of like repelling people that you don't want around you. Right, you just do the eyes.

Yeah, so a window washer comes up and you immediately, you do the eyes and you're doing the voice and just fucking going for it to make them go, Jesus Christ, I do not want to be anywhere near you. I don't want the money you've got. I don't know how you've earned it. I don't want your yen or one or whatever that you've got. I don't want your money that your fucking probably racist ventriloquist dummy

that you've got has earned for you. You're driving badly there, like classic stereotype. Classic stereotype. A very dangerous door has been opened in the last couple of weeks. A window. A very dangerous window. I feel like we've all put on the mask. It's bad enough when there's two of us, but then when another mate comes in, you see it pushed harder and harder.

But I can see it. You and I, we were Stanley because wekiss, we put on the mask, and now it's like we've got our little... This is like the dog wearing the mask now. Right. Oh, hang on, that feels a bit too racist. Your little dog. Yeah.

The dog in that film's cute. Milo. Yeah. Because it's brown. Yeah. Fuck. I mean, no. I mean, get away from my windshield.

Brooke Window. I'm glad she opened the window and let this wind of money in coming through there. There we go. Wind of money. There we go. Windfall. Windfall. That's a bit more like it.

Thanks, Brooke. Hey, if it ain't Brooke, don't fix it. Nice. Yes. Nice. I wonder, like, also window is, you know how everyone, you have like Chando, whether she fix it. Nice. Yes. Nice. I wonder, like, also window is a, you know how everyone, you have like Chando, whether she got window. So you think her name is Brooke Windler.

Is that what you're saying? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it became window. Right. Also, Brooke, can Brooke be a man's name? Not Brock.

I'm thinking Brock, I think, maybe. I don't know. Brooke. Do you reckon she ever got O'Brien growing up? Oh. Brooke. O'Brien. Yeah. Yeah. What would she ever got O'Brien growing up? Oh, yeah. O'Brien. Yeah.

Yeah, what would she have got? Window. Do you reckon she's ever gotten a bit of Rear Window? Bit of Hitchcock? Yeah. Alfie! You fucking psycho. That riff gave me vertigo.

Just how dare you pick on the birds like that. Oh, wow. He's saying things that... All right. We get it, mate. You're a film buff. Yeah. I'm just buff.

You're a film buff, eh? Thanks, Brooke. Brooke Window. It's officially the funniest. It's good. You picked too much and we're laughing at Brooke Window at the start. That's all I wanted to do. All the names should be there.

We talked more and looked where it led us. Into bad territory. That's officially the funniest name I think that Tommy's ever heard on this podcast, which is something. Here we go. Setting us up for name number two. Jack My Tiny Dickoff, probably. No, that's easily the funniest. Is it?

Yeah. I get it. You know Jack's a funny name. Yeah, okay. Alright. I'll take it under advisement. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Sky Osborne. Ah, yes. Recognise this name? Do you? From those socials. Oh, with the socials we have.

Good advertisement. Get on the Instagrams. Get on the Twitters. Get recognized. Get on the Facebooks. Yeah. And one of my favorite things to do with a friend with a last name that's a vowel, I like saying the, like, you know, so Sky Osborne, I would call them Skosborne.

Oh, yeah. I just like sort of merging them together. That's cool. Yeah, that's a cool hobby that you have. Yeah, yeah. Everyone knows you for doing that. Like Candler doesn't quite work, you know? Good Chandler. Yeah, cool. Yeah, that's a cool hobby that you have. Yeah, yeah. Everyone knows you for doing that. Like Candler doesn't quite work, you know? Good Chandler.

Yeah, right. Yeah, Dassolo. But you'd have TallSop, really. Oh, TallSop. See, TallSop's good. That's not bad. TallSop, your dad. Mm-hmm.

JoelSop, your mum. Mm-hmm. See? My mum, Josh Earl AllSop. Joel, there we go. There's one. Yeah, Joel's a good one. Josh Earl Joel.

Yeah. Joel. Okay. But yeah, there we go. There's one. Yeah, Joel's a good one. Joel, Joel, Joel. Okay. But yeah, with Osborne, what, Sky Osborne. Yeah. Is it a Sky with a Y? S-K-Y-E. Yeah, yeah. Do you think she's any relation to Ozzy?

No. I'm going to put it out there. I reckon she's not. He's going to be out here soon. Oh, he's not? Maybe we can try and get him on this. Yeah. Sharon. This is the thing.

There's no – every now and then I'll suggest a guest to you and you go, I don't know. Yeah. After last week and the triumph that it was. Yeah. I don't think you can veto anyone anymore. I don't think there's no one that we couldn't have on this and make it at least something.

Yeah. Sharon. Yeah. Look, that was – look, we've talked about it, I think, but that was a, look, I'll take the fall for last week's episode for the guests, but You take the fall, wow!

That's a big man. Huge! I said yes to it, but it was it was offered upon us by management who have done other things for us in the past so it was more of a, yeah, we'll cop this one. You've done this for us and you might be doing other things for us in the future. So there was a bit of that involved.

It certainly wasn't me going, this guy is great. Let's get him in. In fact, it was more... Mostly because you thought it was someone else. Yes. It was more of a case of them foisting this person upon us and then me going, okay, and then them saying, well, they're demanding to have their other mate in it as well.

And it's like a great demand to make from someone we didn't even really want on to start with. But hey, it worked out. It was the best episode ever so yeah you're welcome everyone yeah arguably one of the most talked about episodes on the podcast they're all saying there's you know any news is good news or whatever like any news is good i'm over wrong i'm pretty sure i organized paul foot as well so uh thank you very much oh you've done it again yeah he has absolutely done it again.

Skye Osmond. And I think she's one of the upper tier in Patreon subscribers. Oh, very nice. So she might need a little bit more love, I think, in this. Okay. She's up in the sky there, the upper tiers. Yeah, that's a sentence. Yep.

Skye, certainly a – that can't possibly be a guy's name. Why not possibly? It's 2018. You're right. You've looked at the calendar there, that's for sure. There's names that, you know. Her surname, it's a good surname for her, and it's also a good way of describing two of the three people in this room.

Osborne. Osborne. Oh, right. Very nice. The other one. It sort of sounds racist, but it's just a fact. It's a fact, right. Very nice. The other one. It sort of sounds racist, but it's just a fact. It's a fact. And also Sky is where I flew in from.

Yeah. No. The Sky is where you should fly out from. Yeah. Sky High is what your cholesterol level is. There we go. You earned your money there. There you go, Sky. Thanks, Sky.

Thanks, Sky. Thank you to Patreon and subscribe. Is this enough yet? Have we done enough yet? What do you mean? Oh, I don't know how many you've done. I lost count. This will be three.

This will be three, okay. Is that what you... Two. No, we had Brook Window. Yeah. Oh, this will be three. Sky Osborne and this is three. So we've still got. Sky Oldsbourne. So we've still got one to go or so.

Something like that, yeah. Thank you to Patreon subscriber David Hamner. Hamner. Hamner. Hamner. It's such a shame because I read it to start with and the M's and the N's mixing together, you go, David Hammer, cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just fucked it up. A little bit of a leg missing there and all of a sudden it's complicated. Yeah, Hamna. It's not quite phonetically pleasing anymore. Hamna. Hammer. Yeah, it's what a Muslim says when they get some pork. Hamna.

Oh, very nice. David. So your mum is Muslim? Yes, full blown. So why are you not Muslim? Because she's, you know, open-minded. Let me, you know. Oh, she just let you do what you want?

Yeah, yeah. She prays five times a day. She did marry my dad who was a Buddhist man. Right. So that was kind of, you know, cause. At what age did you make the decision to, you know, what was the crossroads of you going, oh, I could be Muslim or not and I'm going to be Muslim?

Yeah, why did you choose to not be Muslim and instead look like the thing that your dad prays to, Buddha? Yuck, we're so proud of that one, aren't we? It's good. I would, but I just didn't know what Mohammed looked like. I could have gone the other way. I'm kind of into this because there's the word more, more man. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Allah sounds got the word all in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Allah you can eat. Great. Great. That's got to be – That is a good buffet title.

Write that down. Put that somewhere. That's got to be used in something. Yeah. That's good. That's my next year's festival show title, Ella You Can Eat. Yeah, that's great.

I love that. But, yeah, what was the – in all seriousness, yeah, was there a point where you were like, okay, sorry, mum. No, I think for some reason – I think because the name was Jai Singer, which is a very sort of Sinhalese Sri Lankan sort of name. So they were like, well, it'd be confusing if you had Jai Singers who are Muslim. So let's just make him Buddhist. And then for whatever reason, they sent me and my brother to a Catholic school.

So we didn't have to study Catholicism while we were there. We didn't have to do the prayers. We used to go to like Buddhism classes or whatever. Yeah. But we were, you know, at home we'd have Ramadan. We'd like, you know, I'd fast occasionally in solidarity. Yeah. So I never really picked a team until, you know.

Does a fast count if it's only for five minutes? Shit, I did not see that coming. Yeah. You've been away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My radar went off immediately. I was like, oh, here we go. I've actually, yeah, it's been a bit rusty.

I forgot how this works. People have been nice to you in Scotland, haven't they? Well, thanks, David. Thanks, David. Hamna. Hamna. Hamna. This is name number four. So this is the second last one, Carl, since you seem to be having a bit of trouble keeping count. Yeah, yeah, David. Thanks, David. Hamna. Hamna. Hamna. This is name number four.

So this is the second last one, Carl, since you seem to be having a bit of trouble keeping count. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not having trouble. I just wanted to, you know, confirm with my colleagues. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Kate Heckelman. Oh. Uh-oh. Oh, no.

Don't bring her to a comedy club. Yeah. Because Kate's a bad. Kate Heckelman. She sounds like the fake name of Hannah Gadsby or something. What? She's heckling men at the moment in her special. Okay, right.

In her special. Right, right. In Nanette. Have you watched Nanette? Yes. Yes, I saw it live and I saw it on Netflix as well. You watched Nanette? I watched Nanette.

Right. Heckelman. I saw it live and I saw it on Netflix as well. You watched Nanette? I watched Nanette. Right. Heckleman. Like, you know, we talk about how you have, you know, the something, it turns out to be the job that they used to do

back in the day, like Bakerman or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So was this like the job was they were the Heckleman? You know, like Bakerman, that common surname. It's Baker. Rodney Bakerman. You know that great Doctor Who actor, Tom Bakerman? No, no, no.

I love that. Bakerman Street. That's where Sherlock Holmes lives big fan of the store get a cheesy mutt's girl from Bakerman's Delight oh yeah it's good shit I like

when I do a bit of cooking I use a bit of Bakerman soda great great I'm loving this this is a real I'm feeling so hot here I feel like I'm loving this. This is a real... I'm feeling so hot here.

I feel like I'm being Baker Man. Yeah, yeah. Heckleman. Heckleman. So she used to be a professional interrupter. Way back in the day, they had maybe the court jester would be doing something for the king and then she'd come in and fuck it all up.

Why don't they make the whole... Yeah, yeah. The chariot out of the black box? He's jingling his bells in front of the king so to speak and then she kate comes in and just starts going get off yeah say something funny tell us a joke that's where that comes from the uh you would have been a good jester i reckon because the jester's job back in the day was not just to spin a yarn or anything it was to like you know be a cunt a bit was it yeah it was like sort of the idea was to sort of the only person

that can make fun of the king. Yeah. Like the middleman between the people and the king. That's the job. And fuck, I think you'd have thrived in that environment. And you'd look good in the little hat and the little tights. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I like it.

Bring it back. Little bells. Bring it back. Weird face. Bring it back for King Reggae. Well, yeah, we were talking about festival time shows and stuff like that. You even have Jester's outfit. That could be a pretty funny poster.

I reckon that would be the worst thing of all time. I don't think anyone's thought of it. I don't think anyone's thought of it. I love a bit of... You as a Jester holding a 50s style microphone that's on fire. That's good stuff. The fucking worst. Have I talked about this on the show, how much I hate it?

All the time. Which one? Frequently. Yeah, the Elvis microphone. It's always on comedy posters. They've never ever used a normal microphone on comedy posters. They only ever use Elvis' fucking microphone. Drives me fucking insane.

Have you used a microphone on a poster ever? Have you had to? Like as in for any of your rooms or anything like that? Yeah, once. Yeah. And you chose to use a normal? A normal microphone. Yes.

Tradition is tradition, Carl. Because I didn't book fucking Bill Haley at my open mic gig. So there was no rock around the clock. So I didn't need the fucking Elvis microphone on. You really get angry about this. I've never had Jerry Lee Lewis do five. Heckleman. Heckleman.

Heckleman. Thanks, Kate. Thanks, Katie. I mean, sorry, Boo-Kate. Oh, nice. There we go. Nice. All right.

So I guess it's time. I've caught up. This will be the last one. I believe this is the last one. Really? Yeah. Fuck, I got to... Time flies when you're having fun.

Yeah. That's crazy. That's a crazy saying. You could make a riff out of that in your comedy festival show, I reckon, Dil. You reckon I should try? Time flies when you're having fun. Yeah. No.

Right. No, because when my show's no one has fun. It's like the very slow. That's why it seems like your show goes for three hours. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The hour drags when you're absolutely bombing. An hour seems like six hours when you're hearing some cunt talk about candles. Is that the saying?

That's a bad Dills Comedy Festival show last year. Which was themed about candles. It was all about candles. Well, it was not, but at least I didn't... An hour of candles. ...do set up two weeks of comedy festival shows and then only do two nights. That is a thing that I nearly did,

but at least the couple of nights I did weren't about fucking candles. It was a five-minute bit about candles that he loves. I think it was more of a 20-minute bit about candles. You fucking get laughs, Carl. That's what it sounds like when you're crushing. I'm sorry, it's the first time you heard it. I'm sorry, I've hit a raw nerve here.

Candles, sorry that this is the point. This is the one thing that... I don't want to get involved. I'm going to sit in the middle. I hate you thing that... I don't want to get involved. I'm going to sit in the middle. I hate you both equally. I don't want to get involved in this. I'm impartial. What do you think about candles?

I'm doing your room tonight. I'm going to do the candle bit just as a dedication to you. Good, good. You were going to do it anyway. No, I actually wasn't, but now I really want to. Yeah, please do it. I want to hear about it. There's nothing more interesting that comes up more frequently in my life

than the thing we had 100 years ago before electricity. So I want to hear about it. Well, that's how good the bit is. It's like, oh, what a fresh take. I reckon Kate Heckelman's descendants heard it back in the day and went, boo. That's why she's been put on this earth, is to track down the modern equivalent of Candle Gear.

Yep. Heckle Man. Heckle Dill. Okay. Anyway, one last. Were we done yet or not? No, no, no. We've got one more to go.

Oh, we had one more. Yep. Right, okay. Fifth minute. So hit the button. All right. Let's see what comes out. Okay.

Here we go. Wow. Okay. Yeah. It's a bit of a long first name, but anyway, I'll have we go. Wow. Okay. Yeah. It's a bit of a long first name, but anyway, I'll have a go. Again. A long first name? Yeah. Second name short?

Second name... Like, I'm going to go with six or five or... What? Don't read ahead. Don't look over my shoulder. No, no. I was just trying to guess. All right. Yeah, well, I don't know where you get six from. But anyway, it just happens that... Oh, he's at six.

What? Oh, wow. That's a laptop, not a plate. Stop looking over his shoulder at it. A what? Plate. A laptop? Yeah.

I mean... Where's my laptop? Oh, sorry. The UTA kind of looks like a laptop. Your foot was covering... A laptop from IBM's like the original computer and stuff. Yeah,

that's the last computer I was able to afford. Yeah, right, right, right. You guys are very weird.

Anyway. There's some bizarre improv going on right now, isn't there? Oh, is this improv? No wonder people think it's shit. I know it should improve.

Thank you to, look, again, look, for the people who I mispronounce the name of I'm very sorry if you want to write in

and tell me what I've done wrong but I'm going to I just have to have a crack I can't sit here and feel forever I'm going to have to go for it so here we go

thank you to Patreon subscriber applause contains several rusty nails comedy yeah interesting right

that's a long you're right that is a really long first name. Yeah. So, applause contains rusty nails. Several rusty nails. Several rusty nails. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Not just, yeah, right. I must say that the... How's applause spelled? Yeah, it's A-double-P-L-A-U-S-E. I think... Oh, okay. So, it's like clapping. As in clapping.

Yeah, not anything else. Clapping contains Several rusty nails Yeah it's bizarre isn't it Bizarre Because you'd say For something to contain Several rusty nails It would have to be

A physical thing A product Maybe a product Claps are like you know Clap This is a very surreal First name This is a bit random isn't it

Yeah very random Bit random Yes So yeah Very like Dali-esque, I would say. Yes. And definitely... Yes, surrealism.

Surreal and definitely covering us from any sort of complaint. Yeah, definitely. Because the art of clapping can't start legal proceedings against you, can it? No, no, no, no. You have to admit that. No, definitely. Claps don't have lawyers. Yeah, yes. They don't have a legal department. No, definitely. CLAPS don't have lawyers. Yeah, yes.

They don't have a legal department. It's the act of whacking hand upon hand. And of course, this is someone's name, nothing to do with us. No, yeah, exactly. And it's randomly generated. And it's random. Exactly. Yeah, it's just a machine that has thrown this up at us.

Yes. It's not like if we had sitting there and written that and danced around it in this way, well, then, yeah, that would be 100% on us. But it's also, it'd only be a problem if something, it sounded like something else, which I don't know anything that sounds like applause.

Well also, if anyone's to blame, if anyone's to blame, it's applause contains several Niles Comedy's parents who named. Yeah. Applause is a fucked product comedy, I believe is the mum's name. Sorry? Applause is a fucked product Comedy I believe is the Mum's name Sorry

Applause is a fucked product I believe is the mum's name Oh really I've met applause Right Do you know these people Well just I've met

They came to a gig once Oh right It was mum and Mum and daughter I believe Applause Right Contains several rusty names Comedy

They're nice people They're nice people Look Okay I was really excited it took me a while to realise

so they've got the same first part of the name and then it changes well you know it's like

you know when you have I was thinking it's like in Brazil there's Ronaldo and then there's

Ronaldinho which means the son of yeah correct like I'm Dilruk my brother's Dilshan

there's a slight variation of the original name and above all to be fair I think what we've missed brother's Dilshan. There's a slight variation of the original name. Yep, yep. And above all, to be fair, I think what we've missed in the room is their last name's Comedy. Yeah, that is.

What? Oh, shit. This just gets weirder and weirder. This is weird. Have you had any people with weird names like Comedy? Not recently, but we went through a little bit of a stretch there. One time we had someone with the last name Window, I remember. That was pretty weird.

Yeah, that was weird. Oh, that's crazy. That would have been wild. I started to think that one was a prank or like we just made that one up and put it into the machine. Yeah. Well, I should start listening to this section more. I didn't read the podcast.

It's good. Yeah. Wild. Yeah. Lots of crazy stuff happens. Yeah. It's really cool. This podcast is turning into bloody round the twist.

Just weird stuff happening every week. Oh, fuck. I wish I got that reference. Sorry, Round the Twister. Wow. It's good to have you back. It's great to be back. I forgot how much fun you two are in the flesh. It's easy to forget that, especially after listening to this show.

Yeah, that's it. If you're not a fan of this, come see it in the flesh. It makes a big difference. Yeah, go see their live shows whenever they do it. It's great. Yeah. All right. Thank you. Applause has rusty nails.

Contains rusty nails. Several. Comedy. Contains several rusty nails. Applause contains several rusty nails. Comedy. It doesn't sound like anything, does it? Because applause is just like clapping.

I've never heard anything that sounds like applause. We could pontificate upon this all night. That's not it. We'll never get to the bottom of it. Yeah, look, we didn't stress this much over Kate's name, Kate Heckelman's first name, so why would we stress about someone else's first name? Yeah.

It's just a long name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's weird. It must be German or something. Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub if you want to support the show financially. Thank you to everyone who supports every month. We really appreciate it.

LittleDumbDumbClub.com for links to the tickets for, what have we got, Brisbane, Melbourne, Perth, all coming up. They're all going to be great shows. Can't wait to see you guys there. Dilwook, thank you very much for joining us. Thank you for having me, friends. Lovely as always. Love to be back in this podcast studio.

Yeah, thanks for being the back end of this. And hopefully we have you coming up on a future episode proper. One day, I can hope for. It's a nice little audition today. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hope. Look, it's nice to be, you know, considered

in the running. So, thank you so much, boys. Guys, thanks for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. Oh, you knew that one.