The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 418 - Urzila Carlson & Nazeem Hussain

Episode Date: October 9, 2018

This week we're joined by first-time guest URZILA CARLSON and our old mate NAZEEM HUSSAIN! We have a couple of loose threads to tie up from Crunchiegate and then we hear about Nazeem's baby getting cursed, Urzila's recent corporate gig, and the dodgy world of corporate hypnotists. Plus, Tommy's been walking around smiling and Karl saw a DJ. Don't forget, we have a bunch of huge live shows coming up:BRISBANE: We're heading back to do our 2018 stand-up shows back-to-back PLUS a huge live podcast! OCTOBER 21.MELBOURNE: We're doing a huge live episode PLUS a roast! OCTOBER 27.PERTH: We're heading back for our annual huge day of stand-up and podcasting! NOVEMBER 18. For tickets, merchandise, links to our Patreon and heaps of other stuff, head to our website: littledumdumclub.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. This episode of The Little Dumb Dumb Club is brought to you by ShipStation. When you're selling online, getting your orders out the door quickly can be tough and that is why you need ShipStation.com. It's the fast and easy way to manage and ship your orders all from one place. And now you can try ShipStation free for 30 days plus get a special bonus when

you use the promo code DUM. That's D-U-M. So head to ShipStation.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in D-U-M. ShipStation.com, make ship happen. This week on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with Nazeem Hussain and first time guest Ursula Carlson. First of all, we've got to let you know about a couple of dates that we have coming up very, very soon, October the 21st. We are in Brisbane at the Triffid doing a huge show. It is both of our stand-up shows. It is a huge live podcast with special guests that we are bringing in from interstate.

Melbourne, October 27. On the Saturday night, we are in Melbourne for a live Adelaide podcast, Don't Ask. So we're doing a big live podcast with great guests plus a big roast at the end. Then on November 18 in where, Tommy? WA. That stands for Western

Australia, specifically the city of Perth. We are once again doing both of our live stand-up shows and a huge podcast with amazing special guests that we are bringing over from Melbourne. Lots of fan favourites. All of the tickets and more information for this stuff can be found at littledumbdumbclub.com

where you can also find links to our Patreon. You can support the show through that if you choose to do so. We will be back at the end of this episode to read out some names of supporters, but until then enjoy this great new episode with Nazeem Hussain and Ursula Carlson. Hey, mates.

Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Daslow and sitting next to me, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. Good idea. As we always love doing, we're in a beautiful hotel. Nothing like recording this outside of the confines of our

disgusting houses and bringing a bit of club. We've got a nice view of the car park. We're on tour. We're at least two kilometres from our house so it's feeling pretty sweet. We've got two great guests today joining us, Nazeem Hussain and Ursula Carlson. Yeah. Hello.

Excellent. Nice to meet you, Ursula. Two of us, both with a Z in our names. Yeah. That's how we like to work. That's how rock star Ursula is. We're all in her hotel room. She won't even get off her bed.

So we're all circled around her on the bed. At least I put the socks back on. That's all I'm wearing. It's great that you guys have got Zeds in your name. Finally, you two have got a point of difference in comedy. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I just wanted something, you know.

That's my thing. I've got a Zed in my name and then along comes this cunt. We were doing this weird thing where actually you started. We started introducing me as your brother and people. Oh, yeah, yeah, separated at birth. Separated at birth. And people just have to earnestly respond by going, oh, okay. Because they're so PC now, you see.

People don't want to call you out or go, you're not even the same colour. Sorry, what do you mean? That reminds me of a great Arnold Schwarzenegger film. Someone do the voice quick. That is some fresh comedy. I believe this is, correct me if I'm wrong, first South African guest. Really?

Oh, wow. That's pretty good. It would have been Trevor Noah, but he cancelled on us years ago at the last minute. Did he really? Yeah, he was meant to do a live one. What an asshole. He cancelled about 15 minutes before the gig or something. Yes, he did. he really? Yeah, he was meant to do a live one. He cancelled about 15 minutes

before the gig or something like that. Yes, he did. He was in Melbourne and he was supposed to be on and we got the call 15 minutes before going, I feel a bit sick and we couldn't get another guest and I was that furious. I think I remember opening with the line, well, I finally found something worse to do with South Africa than apartheid.

Trevor Noah. Wow. So yeah, long-standing enemy of the show. Yeah, but his career tanked after that. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, honestly, where is he now? Yeah, he showed him. That was a real crossroads in his career then. Yeah.

In a good way. Yeah. By the way, that promoter that booked him and then, you know, cancelled on us at the last minute, which then we were very rude about Trevor Noah on the show, was the same promoter who booked our two American guests the other week. So I feel like they maybe got us back for that in a way.

I don't think you should count that promoter as a friend anymore. It doesn't sound positive. It's all been good. Definitely some pros, but the cons column is, you know, getting pretty hefty. Beefy. They played a long game with that. Yeah. Don't mess with Trevor Noah, good. Definitely some pros, but the cons column is, you know, getting pretty hefty. Beefy. They played a long game with that. Yeah.

Don't mess with Trevor Noah, bro. Yeah. Yeah. We got to try and get him back in. Let's focus on the South African you've got. Yeah, exactly. Let's not fuck around here. You're right.

This should be an ad for how well we treat South Africans on this show. I wanted to cancel, but then you know what hotel I'm in. I couldn't. I'm hosting. If Ursula smashes it today, then when she does, you book Trevor Noah next and then you cancel on him and replace him with Ursula again. Love that.

Love that. For 10 minutes before. Not even 15. Let's see how much he cares. Great. I am here in soccer uniform today. I'm supposed to have come straight from an indoor soccer semifinal, so sorry, guys, that you're having to see my legs and stuff like that.

I complimented you as soon as I saw them. I didn't for the record. You didn't? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fair. I don't think they're amazing. That's why you said a compliment the same. Didn't you say something like, why are you dressed like that?

Why are you wearing shorts and really long shorts? No, but basically, you don't present as someone that would have athletic body. Really? Yeah, I never look at you and go, now there's an athlete. I look at you and go, I bet he can parallel park. Thank you. I'm actually quite

good at that. Yeah, you look it. You're looking. I go, there's a guy. You're the guy that would hop out and sort of direct strangers into a park. I don't mind that either, actually. But I never looked at you and go, I'm sure he's good on a ball. You do look like a very good Samaritan, like someone that was too helpful. But that would steal shit. I think, exactly, seeing you in athletic,

you don't think this guy's on his way to a sporting match. You think he's on his way to a sporting match. You think he's on his way to knock over a servo and he needs to be nimble to be able to get away. And so I'm just doing that on purpose. So when they say who was it, it was like, I think it was a professional soccer player who was dressed like one. So it can't be Chandler because everyone knows he's not athletic. He's not.

He's a parallel parker. He was in running shoes, so it must have been Usain Bolt. Get him, boys. Yeah, Chandler was parking the getaway car. So you brought that up, what, to tell us that you play sport? No, no, no, because, well, yeah, yeah, yeah. We all have stories, mate. Well, that's very kind of you to say that was a story.

It did get cancelled, so my game got cancelled. And I was going to say, you said I had athletic legs, which I think is the nicest thing anyone's ever said about my legs. I've got super skinny ankles, so the bar is really low. Right. The only thing that's ever been said about my legs is I remember quite distinctly is I used to be very, very keen on playing soccer. And I remember running in on goal one time and our own supporters yelling out,

look at this guy and his chicken legs. You're my supporters. I'm trying to score at the moment. Yeah, I mean, chickens run really fast. Yeah. Maybe they meant it as a compliment. Maybe they meant my legs look delicious. But, yeah, I was supposed to just play a semifinal.

We have an indoor soccer team for just comedians. So we're in a semifinal. Mad invite, by the way. Anyway, continue. Just like your wedding, but go on. Didn't invite me to his wedding. Anyway. I didn't even know.

He got married. I didn't even know. I don't like to wear the ring on the podcast because I like to look available for the listeners. You know, like John Lennon. Pretended his wife didn't exist. They might hear the ring hitting the microphone. Yeah, yeah.

He's taken. Oh, damn it. So we're supposed to play in the semifinal, all comedians team. Greg Larson's Rat World is the name of our team. So it then got cancelled. We were postponed by an hour and so we were getting quite shitty until we found out that why it was postponed was because they were waiting for an ambulance.

And so we ended up going into the stadium trying to warm up and we didn't know whether we were going to get to play or not. Someone had basically hurt themselves extremely badly. We didn't know the severity, but I think the guy's broken his neck or something. But the thing that was annoying me a lot was we were trying to warm up and we were playing this other team, but the guy had injured himself in front of one of the goals,

but our opposition team was warming up on the other goal. So then we weren't able to warm up because this fucking guy's got a broken neck in front of the other goal. So if the game kicks off, we're not warmed up, but our opposition is warmed up. Oh, shit. I've got to say I'm not feeling the sympathy for your team as much as for this one.

How do you break a neck playing – that was sort of a crazy hitter. Like how do you break your neck? I think it was a goalkeeper And he just ran into someone's shoulder Or something like that You know how they take a fool in soccer The drama queens This is finally all the karma

From the fake fools Has hit him in the neck Surprise the ambulance turned up But that's why it took more than an hour Because the ambulance was picking up real footy players with real injuries. We're not going to drama club. That might be like the rule with ambulances for soccer injuries. It's like if you still hurt after an hour, we pick them up.

Is there blood? Yeah. Because I got the most bizarre message from you, which was I'm at soccer waiting for an ambulance and we're either going to forfeit or I'm going to have to be late and push the podcast back. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? Like none of this makes sense.

I got that message forwarded by our manager because Nazeem and I have the same manager but she didn't say who it was from. It's like a scattered series of text messages. Yeah, she basically just sent the message and I'm like, is that from her? Is she at the soccer? Is Nazeem that from her? Is she at the soccer? Is Nazeem at the soccer? Is I at the soccer?

She's doing her job well because, you know, I sent her that message and within a second I got an update and I went, ignore that, here's the real message and that's already gone on to you. So, yeah, she's got it. She goes, hey, any chance of making it at 8.30 with Ursula? I'm at indoor soccer and some bloke fucked himself right up in an ambulance here. Yeah, so when I got there, I was like, oh, so that is from you.

So she didn't do any quote marks. Why is she in a dum-dum club? She's just forwarding what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But she was going through customs. She's on her way to Vegas. Oh, right. Yeah, so she just forwarded the message.

She's like an entourage level manager. She's on her way to Vegas. What percentage do you guys pay out of you? It's 90%. 78%. Oh, you're on your own? Oh, wait, I'm on 92%. Oh, yeah, yeah.

I mean, I make millions more than him, so it's only me. It's 15%, but she's trying to hit the blackjack tables and turn it into 30%. We give it 12%. 50% or double or nothing. So I did have a bit of time. It got cancelled. The guy was still on the floor and ready to be carted in the ambulance.

I went for one drink at the pub on the way here thinking, oh, I'll sit there and I'll do a bit of research or something. Research? Yeah, yeah. On Wikipedia I think that's what it was. Okay, okay. So instead I went there. Find out what Nazeem's really like.

Yeah, yeah. This is preparing for this podcast. On the way over, stopping at the pub. Because soccer was cancelled. Research time. So if soccer carried on, we'd have fuck all to talk about. Then we'd just be talking about soccer. I feel like you're sucking a lot of time out of this.

Hey, just remember, this is the guy who wanted to talk about Trevor Noah 30 seconds in. I really want to know when the research part of this show starts, like when the conversation that you bring up is researched. Mate, I've got a laptop open. I've got dot points. Really? I can see it in the mirror. It's not even on. Shut up.

Actually, my laptop went dead right when you said that. Watching a porno. That's what he does at a pub. That's his reason. Why does it say, don't forget to get milk? Apartheid. Bad. Well, that's me done.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You need to remind yourself of that. Yeah. Yeah. I always get them mixed up. Yeah. I always get chocolate and apartheid mixed up. Yeah, but it's like, you know, did someone fall off the wagon or on the wagon?

You know, when you can never remember that. Is apartheid good or bad? Yeah, it's the same sort of thing. No, you're off the wagon and it's bad. Right. Now I know. Yeah, being on the wagon. Wagon is sobriety, right?

Yeah. Oh, the wagon is sobriety. So if you're off the wagon, that's a bad thing. Yeah. Being on the wagon is a good thing. But just generally falling off a vehicle is probably not a good thing. Yeah, just falling. But wagons aren't great things.

So that's hard to stick in your head. Oh, you want to be on a wagon. Wagons are shit hours. Why are you attacking the farming community right now? They're the ones that put the food on our table. They just went through drought. Did you put the noodles in the strawberries? Yeah, honestly.

Jesus. I can't even. Why are we here? Why are we here? You're attacking the fabric of this great nation. This is your room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know why you're here. Yeah, honestly. Jesus, I can't even. Why are we here? Why are we here? You're attacking the fabric of this great nation. This is your room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know why you're here.

Oh, you're fucking. I'm going to anguish storm out. Then come back in, guys. You get room service in here. I've done that. Yeah, it's a hotel. So what we should have made. Oh, no, no.

Let's not. No, I mean. Is this on have you been paying attention? No, this is on me. Oh, really? The room service. I've tried. As this on have you been paying attention? No, this is on me. Oh, really? The room service. As you said, you make millions. The first couple of times I didn't know.

Look, we can get a sprite to share. Okay. Nice, nice. So what? You were ordering the first few times you came to do have you been paying attention? Which you've just finished filming. Yeah.

You were ordering room service thinking that they would pick it up. Yeah. So bold. Wow. Yeah, you know ordering room service thinking that they would pick it up. Yeah. So bold. Wow. Yeah, you know, because you still have to give me a credit card and then I sort of the next morning just did that express check out to sort of buff your card and you run away. And then when I saw it on my credit card statement, I was like, oh, shit.

Can't run away. Oh, they're not paying for it. I think working dog needs to work a little bit harder. Yeah. You like a dog. Yeah. So I was at the pub and You mean the library.

Yeah, yeah. Research station. Encyclopedia Britannica. Deep inside Wikipedia HQ. And so we were there. And it's one of those beer gardens where they've got a DJ on a Sunday night, which is always a bit... Love that. I find that a bit weird and a bit sad because the guy obviously

has nothing else going on in his life. He's a 50 year old dj in a hawaiian shirt it's like oh man and he stops at one stage and the music turns off and he goes hey guys just letting you know that i'm only probably gonna do one or two more songs so you know what do you reckon and they and literally everyone turns around and goes we thought it was an ipod on shuffle we didn't know you were doing anything to be fair. So there's absolutely no response to him. And so he plays one or two more songs. I love that as a shout-out instead of like put your hands in the air,

just what do you reckon? I'm getting tired. Honestly, it's so devastating. What a hype man. So one or two more songs later, he stops again. And at this stage, the big screen TVs are on and the rugby's about to start. It's still doing pretty much entertainment. And no one's even watching that.

So the music completely stops. There's nothing going on. Everyone looks around. And the DJ just goes, oh, yeah. So I was going to play Ghostbusters, but then the NRL started, so I don't know. What? Do you want to hear Ghostbusters? And just no response from the whole pub.

And he goes, what do you reckon? Ghostbusters? And again, no response. And he goes, okay, NRL. DJ, what do you reckon I love this guy we've all had a gig like yeah

but also the most desperate DJ where it's like you know when people are usually badgering the DJ for requests instead he's going do you want this request

who wants Ghostbusters coming up individually to people in the pub going geez man what do you want to hear but who finishes a gig with Ghostbusters I've never heard

that was a closer but've never heard of that. That was a closer. But then on top of that, then I'm just looking at the TV and they're playing the pre-match for the NRL grand final and I'm thinking, fuck, that would be good if they actually did play Ghostbusters. It's the song just before the NRL final. And, you know, that's the most typical thing of this podcast where it's like you went to – soccer got cancelled, so you went to do your research for the podcast.

Yes. And what that turned into instead was just watching the DJ say funny things. Yes. And me laughing a lot and going, fuck, I better write this down. A couple of minutes. Yeah. I was there with a friend of the show, Oliver Clark, and we laughed for a full one minute as there's silence.

There's just, all there is is silence and me and Oliver Clark laughing as this guy's over and over going, Ghostbusters? Anyone? All there is is silence and me and Oliver Clarke laughing as this guy's over and over going, Ghostbusters? Anyone? He should be an emcee at a wedding. That's the kind of shit you want at a wedding. Who wants Celine Dion again? Celine?

Celine Dion? Instead of the traditional saying, do you take this woman, just the, what do you reckon? Yeah, right. I've got the NRL on. Yeah. Well, Nazeem, you've been at my room. I run a couple of rooms, comedy rooms, regular comedy rooms in Melbourne.

And you did a drop-in a few weeks back, I think, at the Basement Comedy Club. Yep, yep, yep. And so there was a guy that, you know, there's always like bar people working there and they get to see the show and everything. And so they're always like, oh, this is a cool job. We get to watch comedy while we're working or whatever. And this guy came up to me afterwards and goes, man, what a great job I've got getting to be here, you know, your gig and everything. And I'm like, oh, yeah, cool, man. I can see how that would be.

This is week one for you, isn't it? Yeah. And he goes, man, it was, but tonight, like usually you guys, you have these great comedians come in and usually it's heaps of fun. Oh, my God. These big names. But tonight. Tonight you have these great comedians come in and usually it's heaps of fun. Oh, my God. These big names. But tonight. Tonight it was Jim.

Tonight was the night. Oh, really? Okay, okay. Tonight I got to see my favorite comedian, which is pretty. I'm earning money and I got to see my favorite comedian, Azan. And I go, just to be clear, you mean Nazeem? And he goes, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Azan. And I go, just to be clear, you mean Nazeem? And he goes, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Azan.

My favourite. My favourite Azan. You know what Azan means in Arabic? It means call to prayer. Oh, okay. See, this guy needed to do a bit more research at the pub before we did. Well, I'm glad to be. I don't really know what to make of that.

I'll take it. People call me all sorts. I did Sunrise a couple of days ago and three people came up and confused me. One woman said I love MKR. I actually don't know who she confused me for. MKR is My Kitchen Rules. She voted with me.

Maybe it's just a statement. Maybe she's just off and off. Maybe that's her response To everything Do you want a bag I love MKR Maybe she was on MKR Do we know if that's A drug or not

Maybe You know what Maybe She shelved it I'm on it as well And she's like You know As a fellow MKR user

Anyway Another woman said She loves MasterChef And I was great on MasterChef So I presume people think I'm a cooking guy Right Right okay And then someone else said Where do I presume people think I'm a cooking guy. Right. Right, okay.

And then someone else said, where do I know you from? And as a joke, I just said, oh, the project. And he goes, oh, that's right. And then took a photo with me. And then obviously thought I was Waleed. So, you know, Azan, I'll take that. That sounds more like my name. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you think it's too hot in Australia and people are burning their eyeballs out? Because you and Waleed look fuck all alike. I know. He's from Africa. Except for the fact that you're both dudes. Yeah. You're not even the same height. No, I'm not the same height.

You don't have the same hair. You don't... I don't even think it's a racing anymore. I think people are just fucking dumb in this country. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone is dumb. No, I just thought maybe they don't have great eyesight. I don't think they're dumb.

I think they're fucking blind. We're also pretty dumb. Like, we're thought maybe they don't have great eyesight. I don't think they're dumb. I think they fucking belong. We're also pretty dumb. Like we're really dumb, man. I can't say that. I don't want to do that. No, no, I know you've got to think about your career. No, no, it's not about my career because my audience is fucking smart. That's why they come and see me because they obviously churned in.

They're smart as hell. But I don't see it I don't know I've been with you Where people have mistaken you For other people Well Walid is there And I'm like

How the fuck Do you miss this I don't know It's just It must be a thing That people think though Because whenever you make A joke about it

I've seen you make a joke On stage and it's like Boom Everyone's like Wow we love this Because we can totally see that You really make a reference To people confusing it

And they lose it because they – I don't know if they don't – I mean, I'm happy to keep cashing in on that. Yeah. But, you know, have anyone out there – maybe there is a comedian called Azan and he thought I was Azan. Maybe you just look like an Azan. I could see that.

Maybe he's my – when I do comedy, he feels like he needs to pray and I am his call to prayer. Maybe he basically called you God. Yeah. That's what that is. Maybe I am his comedy God. That is what it is. He's on another level, man.

I take it back about Australians being dumb. Yeah. You're dumb. I'm fucking dumb. You're fucking dumb. Yeah, we're pretty – we're quite dumb. Thank you, Nazeem. So, Ozil, what we've been doing on the show in the last couple of weeks

is we've been trying to make my – Did you just say thank you, Nazeem? Yeah, you're dismissed. I'm going to come back to – Put your microphone down. Thank you, Azan. Thank you, Azan. Dismissed.

Sorry. I'm coming back to you. But we're playing to Ursula verse. So we've been trying to get – Thank you, Carl. Thank you. We've been trying to get my cat as the face of a cat food company. They ran a competition a couple of weeks ago and we've been trying online to get all their

listeners to vote for my cat to be the face of it. It's all gone a bit astray. People have got... Our listeners are quite a rabid bunch and they've taken that by the bit and really gone with it and started just going crazy. Anyway, at the end of the story, my cat got disqualified. What? She won the competition and then got disqualified.

So I'm sorry, Nazeem. I voted twice. Yes, that's what I was saying. Thank you, because you voted for my cat, so I'm sorry that those votes went to waste. But she has been sadly disqualified through... How come? Look, I'd like to think I was partly responsible in that they've said I am fully responsible because I sent some emails with some questionable content. Paint the picture of Ursula.

So your cat got how many votes? I think like 4,000 or 5,000 or something like that. 4,000 and the second place cat. I think we beat the other cat by 1,000 or 1,500 or something like that. And then after that it was just like 10s and 15s and stuff like that, wasn't it? Well, I think they got very aggressive and shirty because the leader cats had been – the competition had been open for six or eight weeks or something.

I entered my cat a week to go and just it went – and we won. And then they kicked us out and, yeah. Did you tell your cat? Your poor cat now devastated and high. I think my cat's rapt because to win you get a photography session and it's like if you even look at my cat the wrong way, it fucks off. So I don't know. Because you're not a professional photographer.

You don't know how to do cat photography. No, well, you're right. I imagine if it actually got to spend time with a real cat photographer. Yeah, like a cat whisperer. Yeah, cat whisperer. Yeah, pussy whisperer. Yeah, pussy whisperer. Pussy timer.

Don't say that because that's the sort of language that got me kicked out of this cat competition. Well, you're out already, so fuck them. What do you mean? Look, I think they didn't spell it out exactly, but I think they took umbrage with the term when I sent them an email because I sent them an email saying, look, we're going to win this in a canter. So, guys, make sure that we're the face.

My cat is the face of your cat food. You got cocky. Yeah, I got very cocky. I tried to be a bit of a point of difference. I tried to give them a bit of colour, a bit of movement, a bit of comedy, thinking they'll appreciate this. Oh, this complete fucking arsehole is something a bit different. We haven't seen that before. Opinionated prick.

Here we go. Get reception to come and read this. They did. I think they took issue with the fact that I ended an email by saying, by the way, the name of the cat food is applause, which, again, doesn't work as a pun or as a name or anything like that because it's supposed to be like paws, but applause

is like this clunky pun. It doesn't work. So I said, why don't you use something different that does work as a pun, something like Eating Pussies. And I think that's what got us kicked out. No, because there's already a brand like that. It is like Grindr for lesbians. Right, right.

It's a different product. Eating pussies, yeah. We don't fuck around grinding. Here's a lesbian app, eating pussies. So I've been trying, so in the lead up to it, in my campaign week of trying to get my cat Crunchy elected as the face of applause. You're out there kissing babies and stuff like that.

Yes, kissing pussies, all that sort of stuff. So I was taking a lot – and I'm not one for – I've had the cat for a year, but I don't want to be one of these people that take pictures of their cats all the time and puts it up online or whatever. You don't want to be a 45-year-old single lady. Yes. No, totally. So I've had this beautiful-looking cat for a year,

and I haven't put a picture of it up. But because we're trying to get her as the face of this cat food, I've been trying to put a few pictures up. So what I do is I'll take a picture of the cat and then I'll, instead of linking it to my laptop, I then just email it to myself. And then when I get it on the laptop on the email, I'll take it off. I'll Photoshop stuff and whatever it is. So I did it the other day.

You Photoshop your cat. Well, you know, just because I'm a, yeah, I know how to use photoshop and I just. Get rid of the cellulite. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, all that stuff. The jam in the eyes, you know. They always have that dark, dark shit in the corner. Yeah, you want to get that out.

Get rid of some of my cat's crow's feet and stuff like that. Just that feline AIDS. Yeah. The snot running into its own mouth. You want to get that off. I love it how cats get their own AIDS. That's so weird. I know, but you're so disappointing.

Is their cat HIV or is it just straight to AIDS? Straight to AIDS. Full blown. You immediately, oh, I nearly said Freddie Mercury at his end, but that would be wrong. When a cat has AIDS, do you have to report it?

Are they allowed to go out And have sex with other cats? No because No because There's no There's no age register Okay with humans Humans

You are not allowed to Have sex If you've got HIV Unless you tell a person Yeah but That's like manslaughter But just so you know There's no registry for that either

Like you said Do you have to tell someone? Well no one has to tell anyone when you have AIDS as a person. Yeah, you have to. Yeah, you do. If you're going to fuck him, you have to. I hope you don't have AIDS. No.

Because you need to tell. I may have cat AIDS. Well, no. Like he's not fucking you right now. He's just sitting there and he's naked knees. You know he's bringing legs spread. Yeah, no, that's – you are manspreading a little bit. I'm manspreading a little bit.

I'm looking straight into his stubbies. He's crossed his legs like... Yeah. Why are you crossing your legs like that? There's a lot of ball in there. Isla's moving her head back so quickly she's going to break it like that guy. Honestly.

I just had dinner. That's how he broke his neck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Trying to look away from... Too bad it's full. Staring into the sun. I'm trying to give you a better look at my legs that you complimented me on half an hour ago, that's all.

Anyway, you don't have AIDS, right? Yeah, I don't, I don't. I would have to tell you that's the podcast rules, obviously. But I don't have AIDS. Have you checked? Is your cat? I just want to say, as an African, I find this line of conversation quite unacceptable.

Oh, you're the only one that's allowed to talk about AIDS. Yeah, that's how that works. She's the only African in the room. Right, you're right. You don's allowed to talk about AIDS. Yeah, that's how that works. She's the only African in the room. Right. You don't refer to yourself as an African enough. No, but it's tattooed on my back, so I've just got to figure it out. Nice. When you say enough, what would be enough for you?

No, because it's just like regularly, like as much as I talk about being Muslim. Okay. It's like every other hour. Yeah. Five times a day. Oh, you're Muslim, are you? Yeah, I times a day Oh you're Muslim I am Yeah I'm Muslim

I'm so Muslim I could be vegan You know I said to a guy Living quickly I did this call for it Last night A humble brag

Yeah I do work I make money Yeah I've got money Anyway You'll just get us a Sprite Anyway To share No glass

Just out of the bottle It's a trust exercise So this guy I said to the guy I asked this guy Because we're going to have dinner It's a sheet. No glass, just out of the bottle. It's a trust exercise. So I said to the guy, I asked this guy because we're going to have dinner and I wanted to take the piss out of the alternate drop, you know, because the company's cheap. And I go, do you have anyone with dietary requirements? He goes, yeah, we've got one vegan, one vegetarian, and one of those that they need the meat cut a certain way.

I go, what do you mean? Someone with no teeth? And he goes, no, you know, cut a certain way. I go, do you mean halal? And he goes, yeah. You thought applause was a clunky title. I thought it was a fussy kid. Yeah, no, me too.

I honestly thought he meant someone with no teeth. Get the crust cut off the sandwich. I go, do you mean Halal? And he goes, mm-hmm. This is like, yeah, bitch.

You know it. I go, that's not really a thing. And also, it's not cut a certain way. It's got to be killed a certain

way. He's just trying to cut it in the shape of H-A-L-A-L. Here you go sir He was Kiwi That's what Halal was No no

He was Kiwi So they home kill their shit I was like I want my meat cut a certain way It's got to look like an aeroplane So I can go Here it comes Come on

I was like Holy shit dude I just wanted to know If there was a vegan So I could take the piss out of them But that's cool That's the best bit too Is that

That info's been given to you for the purposes of roasting these people. Yes, yes, yes. Go hard on that pussy. If you want, mate. My great, I've been saving this up. Where's fucking Ella now? In the kitchen cutting the meat. Thanks, Pauline.

What were you saying? Aids. Cat. Cat aids. Crunchy doesn't have cat aids. How do you know? Well, how do you catch cat aids? Because my cat's never met another cat,

so I presume that that's the leading cause of cat aids, by getting off another cat. No, no, I just know they have aids when there's, like, bubbly snot coming out of them. Right. Because they're quite snot heavy. I've seen it because my friend's cat had it. And I went, what the fuck is wrong with your cat?

I think it's got allergies. And she goes, no, it's got feline AIDS. And I went, get that fucking thing away from me. And then, well, you know what? Anything with snot. I'm thinking twice about fucking this cat now. Well, at the least I'm going to stick a rubber on. You're so sympathetic.

Get that fucking thing away. No, I mean, honestly, you can love the shit out of animals or kids or whatever. Anything, anything, you put anything and you go, I really love, I love elderly people. But if there's a lot of snot coming out of them, you go, get the fuck away from me. AIDS or no, that's disgusting. Snot is a killer. The minute you go, I can handle HIV, I can handle AIDS, but don't come with your balls of snot near me.

Yeah, exactly. That was the one rule at the NBA. Magic Johnson, fucking blow your nose. Get that shit away from me. Which reminds me, I don't know why this came to mind. Basically, I bought something off Gumtree years ago and went to the woman's house. This is before I even knew.

Fuck, I can't wait to see how this links into cat AIDS. Use syringes. What's the type of cancer where, you know about this, Tommy? Yeah, I'm the expert. The blood cancer. Leukemia. Leukemia, yeah. I always thought leukemia was a side effect of cancer.

I thought that's just when your hair falls out. Oh, you've got, now you're experiencing leukemia. Right. Because you've got cancer. Anyway, so I was buying this stuff of this woman, gum tree. How long ago was it that you thought this?. Anyway, so I was buying this stuff off this woman at Gumtree. How long ago was it that you thought this? A long, long time ago. Fucking idiot.

A very long time ago. We're all thinking of Tommy. Thank you for saying it. I said Australians are dumb. I was talking about myself. Anyway, I was maybe three years old. You've got leukaemia right now, isn't it? Tommy's rocking half-head leukaemia.

But no cancer with. I've got vaginal leukaemia. I'm kidding, it's a 70s bush down there. It's like a forest. It's like a forest. It's healthy ass. I went and bought this stuff for her. I don't know

how we got talking about her husband being really sick and she got really sad and she was crying and she goes he's got leukaemia and I said

oh lucky it's only leukaemia and then she goes what do you mean lucky it's I don't even really know and that's when I think I've worked it out in my brain

I think leukaemia is cancer I couldn't get out of it that is the worst possible way for you to learn how do you get down that rabbit hole when you go to pick something up?

Anyway, sorry, I've been a zan. Good night, everyone. Jesus, normally I try not to make eye contact. You just go get the dildos and leave. You don't start chatting to them. You, by the way, Nazeem, I saw you when I turned up here. I was walking out of the car park as you were driving in. Yeah.

And I saw you and smiled and then you got past me and you had your window down. And you go, how did you know it was me? I didn't say I don't. I know it was you because you're my friend and I recognised you when I looked at you. No, you walked past the car and you were smiling. Like you were just smiling at another person. At my friend, you. You didn't have a look of recognition on your face.

You just had like a glazed general smile. The smile is going, hey, it's my friend Nazeem. When do you see someone walking down the street smiling for no reason? That doesn't happen. There's a normal smile where you're just generally smiling because you're happy about life or you've seen another person. But then there's the, hey, like the recognition part of the smile. He didn't have that part.

So then I wound up in my window. I was like, are you just smiling at a stranger? Because it's me. And he's like, I know it's you. I was like, oh, okay. That's a weird generic smile you have on your face. Did you think this guy had just some bumpkin from the country had just rocked into Melbourne just smiling around Melbourne going,

oh, gee whiz, look at the big buildings. Actually, I was like, oh, innocent looking. Like, he's just a smiley. No one smiles for no reason while they're walking down the street. I do. It's my favourite comedian, Aslan. Aslan. I like to smile when I walk around.

Yeah, yeah. Like, I got in trouble a lot when I just, initially I moved to the States, and so that was because I make a lot of eye contact immigrated. Initially, I moved to the States. And so they were just like, make a lot of eye contact. And we sort of like nod. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, great. And it freaked Americans out.

Like, a lot of people go, oh, they go, do I know you? What? No. Yeah. Yeah, what are you looking at? What? Nothing. I'm just being friendly.

You're being fucking weird. And then, so I stopped doing that. But then when I moved to New Zealand, because I'm too so like yeah this is great you'll notice you said because we're talking about in montreal that like apparently you know gay people lesbians well you guys do the same thing like brown people we have a nod we walk down the street see another brown guy you just nod to each other we're in a room we were doing that brunch thing and you see another brown guy across the room just not you just go up to each other yeah it's you were talking to all the brown people i was talking to all the brown people, I was talking to all the gay people.

Yeah, and I was like, I feel a bit, this is so bad, you know. Come to an event and I'm just hanging out with other brown people and then you're like, man, we did the same shit. That's what me and Tommy do when we do functions and, you know, things like this with people like you. We just sort of have a greeting for each other, just all the unsuccessful comedians, we have our own greeting. Just have your own nod.

All the people who've got nothing going on, we go. Oh, I think I've seen you guys in a corner one night yeah yeah no you would have definitely before we went through security we had a real fun one

when we went to Montreal last year it was like you know it's this pictures of things you know you go to Montreal

and all the great comedians in the world are there and you can meet all these people and it was like me and Tommy talk to each other every night at the party

that's all we did that's not true Milan was there with us. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. Shots for everyone. Yeah, yeah. The drinks are free, dipshit. Totally. He was powerless. I will say, though, I am going through a bit of a hot streak at the moment,

Azeem, of seeing someone in the street and thinking that it's someone I know and just going in hard, giving it a, hey, dude, and then going like, oh, this is just a stranger. You're entering the dad phase of your life. That's what's happening now. You're becoming that guy.

I'm going for it with people I've never seen before in my life. Do you commit and just push through? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just go fuck it. I'll know you now. And then it's just, no, you are that person. Well, do you ever say this because, you know, you said you've got your own greeting or whatever.

Because I come from the country. I come from a country town Which is You know the equivalent for us Is when you're driving And any other car Comes the other way And you just

Put the finger Off the steering wheel I do that too Because I'm from a small town I'm from a small town Farming community So I do that And nothing

He looks out at the pub Nothing makes me angrier When I do that Or say Even if I give someone a gab And it's sort of Just in our community where I live now and I put my hand up and they just look at me.

I'm like, before they – as they come past, I'm like, go fuck yourself. I'm following you home. If you're from a small town, do you do that thing where we would always – like we were in this tiny town and if we ever – and like say I knew who you were but i never talked to you in my small town but then if i saw you in the next town oh i'd be like hey we're basically like brothers yes that's like australians overseas like that's your i spoke speak to more australians when i'm over like just that's you just you bond over yeah just dumb shit you're not mates in australia but your

mates somewhere else yeah but that's what, nothing makes you patriotic like leaving. Like leaving. That's so true. I was just in Japan with a couple of mates, and we were, like, near the end of our trip, and it's just, you know, when you travel with just two friends and you're, especially in a non-English speaking country, you get very stuck in your own bubble where you just, like, it's just a lot of personal jokes and just being fuckheads together.

We were leaving a concert and we were talking and this, like, Australian couple overheard us and they're like, oh, And they get chatting and we're like Oh this is great, meeting a couple of other people Because the three of us are very in our own bubble And they're like, oh we're going to Kyoto tomorrow And we're like, oh we're going to Kyoto And then we walk along and talk for about ten more minutes

And the three of us are pretty drunk And we think we're like, oh we've made some friends here And then we get to the end of the chat and they're like Anyway, we might see you in Kyoto. Bye. And just walk off. Like, no, hadn't exchanged numbers. No attempt at meeting up.

It literally was just like, yep, see ya. And then we realised, like, we're going, how good is this? We've made a new friend. And just going, they couldn't fucking wait to get away from us. You got Trevor Noward. Yeah. It just keeps happening to me. Yeah. You should have happening to me. Yeah.

You should have blown your nose. They thought you had cat eyes. And as you heard up the top of the episode, this week we are brought to you by our friends at Ship Station. Carl, you do a lot of posting of stuff. You're the official mail room of the Little Dum Dum Club. Yeah, I've worked my way up from the mail room in the Little Dum Dum Club Corporation and I am still there.

Yep, coming past my cubicle every day and flirting with me a little bit. Yeah, so big news. This is who we're going with from now on, ShipStation. Yep. Signing up. We are doing well. Look, here's the thing. You can get on the starter pack at ShipStation.

If you've got a lot of stuff to mail out, if you're one of these people that sell their gear on the – Internet. Internet, right. No. What's the Gumtree and that sort of stuff? Gumtree, Amazon, eBay. No, what's the, you know, Gumtree and that sort of stuff. Gumtree, Amazon, eBay. Yeah. Magento 2 is something they always list in their copy.

Really? I don't know what that is. I've got no idea what that is. What's Magento 1? No idea. Anyway. So if you're one of those guys, this is right up your alley. We are definitely going to be, we sell a lot of T-shirts and stuff like that every week.

So this is ideal. After looking at all the stuff that they've got to offer, this is a really good deal. Now, look, you can be the starter for $9 per month and you can send out 50 shipments per month. Pretty easy. Nice. You can be, for example, the bronze $29 per month, the silver $49 per month, or the most popular, Tommy, is the gold. Oh, that's different. At?

Yes. $69 per month. They've done it again. ShipStation Common. Yeah. Yeah, it is a great service. Heaps of people use it, whether it's for eBay, Magento, Amazon, Shopify, or heaps of other popular selling channels.

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Now, given that the top level is $69. And you get a special boner. That's pretty cool. No, B-O-N-U-S. Okay, that's how I spell an erection. So, yes, go on. Okay, right. Yeah.

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and also it'll let them know that you've come through us. So yeah, you guys like the show. These guys support the show. If you've got stuff to post out go in it is one of those microphones as well is it really yeah okay well you know cast that aside head to shipstation.com yeah if you want to you know it'll let them know that uh you know we got people out there that um you know that it's worth doing business with us you know we want to get more ad space uh from these guys they've supported us in the past. So head down there.

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And back into the episode. Carl, you were talking about your pussy. Yes, yes. Hey, don't send that to the cat food company. I thought that was Ursula anyway. Yes, yes. Right. So I was taking a lot of pictures of the cat,

of my cat Crunchy, and sending them to myself so I could then Photoshop and all that sort of stuff. So I was doing it a few times and I sort of had this niggling feeling, oh, I think something went wrong with the computer or something. I didn't get the right picture or whatever it was. And anyway, I moved on and I got a different picture and did another like a bit of Photoshopping

and put it up online or whatever. But I sort of thought, fuck, what did happen? Anyway, a day later, I get an email from a random person who I've never heard of in reply to the picture of my cat that I've emailed them. What I've done is I've sent – I've just put K-A. I've got an email, K-A, and then thought, well, that'll go to me. And it's gone to someone else, not me at all. And so I've got an email back from someone called Karen Poole who I've never heard of.

I have no idea why I've got their email address, but Karen Poole, if you're out there listening, she has sent back. Hit me up and let me know how I know you. Yes, please. Because what's happened is I've taken this particularly odd picture of my cat where it's like my cat's alone in the room and it's quite a weird, spooky-looking picture

and I thought, this is a great picture. It looks like my cat's in The Shining or something. It's just in the middle of this empty room staring really scarily at me. And so I've sent this. With hate in its eyes and AIDS in its nose. And I've sent this picture to Karen Poole and she's replied, who is this? It's in its nose. And I've sent this picture to Karen Poole. God. And she's replied, who is this?

Who is this? Why have you sent this to me? I'm a cat. Because it's just this spooky looking cat. I've got her email address. Just because, you know, as comics we sort of have a lot of crossover. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because I have no idea. Who is this? Yeah, because clearly I've got her email address, but she doesn't know who I am. Yeah, yeah, right. You know what? Receiving an email like that, if I got an email from Carl Chammer and attached was a picture of his cat. With no title, no subject title, no wording, no nothing.

That's either scary. Call with an E, yes. It's either scary or it kind of matches the description of like the smiling Tommy kind of guy, just like a generally happy and simple dude. Yeah. Just loves his cat. That doesn't have the internet properly,

like can't like share cats online, just has to email individual cats to everyone. Honestly, whenever I talk to my mum, it's always like, I don't know what I've done with my phone. And then she's always stuffed up the Wi-Fi or wiped out something. And then the amount of times when I look at her phone, I go, who's this? Who are you texting?

I don't know. But they were exchanging texts. So the amount of people that I think my mum would have seen her fucking cat because she keeps WhatsAppping me photos and then sometimes she goes, why didn't you say anything about Oscar with a jersey on? And I go, you didn't send me the cat with the fucking jersey on. Oh, great. And then she goes, yes, I did.

And then when I'm there, she shows me, she's seen it like 12 times, but it's the 12 different times she knits for it. That poor cat. No, you can look in its eyes and you can see it's dead. It's dead behind the eyes. With a bit of cat AIDS. It's like, just fucking kill me.

Yeah. He's hoping to get cat AIDS. Well, that's it though. That's like, my dad thinks of email. It's like, you know, you put in Robert Chandler at whatever.

You know how it all works. And I'm like, you can't give out details like that. That's like giving out your phone number and going 986, you know the rest. You know how it all works. You can't give out details like that. That's like giving out your phone number and going 986. You know the rest. You can figure out the rest. No, no, no. You've got to tell me the numbers or I don't know how to ring you. You know, I'm in Sydney. You'll find it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. In a building. You get it. I couldn't find anything for Karen Poole. I looked her up on Facebook. I've got a Melanie Poole, not a Karen Poole. Oh, sister or daughter or something I looked her up on Facebook. I've got a Melanie Poole, not a Karen Poole. Sister or daughter or something? Send her the cat photo. This might go taken to the police. They're stalking my entire family.

You know what's happening to my cousin, who I haven't spoken to in 23 years, got the same photo as me. What's happened is I've got the email back from Karen Poole saying, who is this? Why have you sent this to me? I haven't replied yet. You should. I can't think of a good reason is I've got the email back from Karen Poole saying, who is this? Why have you sent this to me? So I haven't replied yet. You should. So maybe I can – I can't think of a good reason why I've sent it to her. So if you've got any suggestions, I can pick the email trail.

Well, why don't you just be honest with her and say, hey, Karen, I want my cat to be the face of a cat food company. That wagon that we're – oh, I think we're off the wagon. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that wagon's gone. The horse is bolted. The horse is bolted. The wagon is broken.

Yep. Yeah. No, I think what you should do is try and put a positive, because it hasn't been positive. Your cat is not the face of fuck all, but the scary. Not even has been. Feline AIDS cat. So what you should do is just say, look, I'm reaching out.

Because you don't know Karen's age. We know nothing about her. But maybe you're speaking directly to her soul, and that's why she reacted to this photo. Because if I got that photo, I'd go, obviously the wrong email. You'd only react. Because she's obviously a lady of a certain age. She's gone, this is a sign.

This is a sign. So you go, I want to talk to you about adopting a cat from the SPCA. And then she can go adopt a few cats. Make some coins. Use this for good. That is very funny, though, to have to go, you've got the wrong email. You know what I mean? It's like putting in a phone number. It's like, oh, you've read it wrong or you've hit one wrong number.

It's like, no, you've got the wrong person. But also, because the answer is, no, I meant to email myself. Oh, that makes sense. I've got you, a lady that I don't know at all. Yes. I actually met a friend tonight who I haven't met in a long time. The last time I saw him, his job. He's one of these guys that always has a different job.

He's entrepreneurial. He was selling chemicals at one point. I don't know. Chemicals, if you buy... Is this the same friend that's an amateur rapper of yours? No, no, no. It's another guy. All my best friends.

He's like, shit, now I can't share this with you. No, it's not him. It's not him. Actually, one of his friends I grew up with. We can talk about your friend the amateur rapper later. And when I say amateur, that is a kind word. No, he's very good. No, he's not. He's really good. No, he's not. Will he open for me? Yeah, if you want. I mean,

if he's free. I'll just talk to him. Don't worry. He's very free, let me tell you. Yeah, he's very free. I'll just talk to him. Don't worry. He's very free, let me tell you. Yeah, he's very free. Let me just run a fast pick. Once he gets discovered. See if he's happy with it. Once he gets discovered.

Anyway, another friend. He's like, I'm just going to steer this fucking train wreck. This is a sign that Nazeem thinks that his friend is definitely going to listen to this podcast. He's really good. If you're Nazeem's friend And you like to rap He's quite positive about you The rest of us

The last job he had was He buys damaged cars Like accident damaged cars Fixes it up Then they change the kilometres on the car So it looks like it's done 100,000 cases It's a typical dodgy job And then they don't report

That it's ever had an accident before And they sell it As described as first as one lady owner. And they have a woman. I love that you're broadcasting this fucking dodgy thing that your friend does. That's literally how I bought my car. That was the exact sale to me. The oldest sale in the world.

It was like this. One lady used to drive this to church every Sunday. And I'm like, fuck it, I'll do it. No one goes to church every Sunday. And the kilometres are life-suffering. No one goes to church anymore. Don't lie to me. They go to the mosque. When you sell it, the pitch will be, this one old man drove it to soccer every week.

You'll have to be wearing a wig. Every Sunday. It's literally the only time I use it. And you know what? I'm driving my wife's car tonight because I drive it so little that the battery's flat. I never drive my car. My car's got to... So there's a one lady owner, one lady driver basically.

Yeah. But this guy, he used to buy cars, dodgy, fix them up, drop the kilometres and then sell it and make money. But now he's stopped with that game because he got done because he wasn't a car dealer, didn't have a licence to do that. So now he does it with parrots. He basically buys parrots. What the fuck?

Turns the speedo back. He buys them. Buys them like, you know, they might be really old or some shit. He wipes the parrot aids out of their nose. I don't know what he does, but he basically does them up, like he gives them a good makeover or something, and he lies about the age and he sells it and makes good cash out of it. So you can do that with your cat.

Fuck. Hell. You're lying about the age. How old do parrots live? I've got no fucking idea. Sell your cat, lie about its age and the fact that it's not a parrot. Yeah, yeah. And sell it to someone who's looking for a parrot.

Why does this big fluffy parrot keep eating the other parrots? Okay, that's what you've got to write back to Karen. It's like it loves being in the cage. It's like in Egypt. They wanted to have a zoo. They had no zebras, so they got a donkey and painted stripes on it. Great. That's what you've got to email back to Karen.

I'm wondering if you'd like to buy this parrot. No, no. No, what you should do is reply and go, I'm a blind man from Melbourne and my guide dog is so bad and I tried to take a photo of it and it was just sitting there looking at me and I think it's too small for a Labrador That is a perfect alibi

because I'm blind, that's why I've sent it to the wrong email. Exactly. I was trying to send it to my vet to see what's wrong with my guide dog keeps walking into traffic. Whoever you are. My seeing eye dog just read this email to me and I'm so embarrassed.

Oh, man. So, yeah, you have no... What's the... Does the rest of the email address give any... It's not like a work email or anything? No, no, no. A hotmail or Gmail or something like that? I don't want to give it out because knowing the listeners of this show, they'll then fucking send... It not like a work email or anything. No, no, no. I don't want to give it out because

knowing the listeners of this show, they'll then fucking send that. She'll send Karen a lot of cats. Send her a link to this. I'll send them a keep your pussy all day. I have a feeling the listeners are going to print out stickers of your cat and

stick it on this cat food. We've talked about doing that. Really? And of course we do. That is illegal, isn't it? Why would it be illegal? Why would it be illegal? It's tampering.

Because you're basically – I don't care. I don't give a shit. Oh, that's good to hear. My friends lie about parrots. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm happy for Nazeem to be suggesting that. I mean, you know, that's not our call. That's where it came from.

Yeah, that's not our call. Nazeem did it. But I do not endorse it. But, you know, you go to jail if you want. I'm going to go on a jail for that. Yeah. I start protesting because of Carl Chalmers. Putting a sticker of a different cat on a cat food tin.

They'll put you in a separate area, like with those people that used to play DVDs in public. Yes, yes. You know, like oil rigs. People who used to play DVDs in oil rigs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You wouldn't snatch a handbag. Actually, I would. I'd much rather snatch a handbag than play a fucking DVD on an oil rigs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You wouldn't snatch a handbag. Actually, I would.

I'd much rather snatch a handbag than buy a fucking DVD on oil rigs. I was still in mum's car. Yeah. Yeah. We got to get some – we got to send this to Karen. Yeah. You're famous, Karen. Send this episode to Karen.

Yeah. Right. Oh, yeah. I think she'll be wrapped. That's an even weirder email to send. For her to get a cat picture is like, oh, that's a nice looking cat. It's a bit scary. But then the next one, listen to my podcast.

No, but call the header for this podcast the Karen Poole experimental. Right, right. Experience, yeah. Yeah, so she knows. Calling Karen Poole. Yeah, yeah. I was going to say we should all go through our phones and just like put in K.A.

and the first person that comes up that's not Carl, we have to send them a photo of the cat. But I did that and the first person that comes up that's not you is someone who's booked us to do a gig in a couple of weeks. Oh, right. So I don't know that that would be wise. My first K.A. is Kazi. Oh, mine is Kanua Lloyd,

who's one of the people from the project in Nizam. Oh. Nice. Mine's Kate Hibbert. I wonder who that would be. I've got to eat cavoli, guys. Oh, very nice. Send him a photo of the cat.

He'll love it. He's a cat person. I've got no idea who he is. Kamal. Hey. Do you really have his? Who got Kamal's email? I got Kamal's phone number.

Oh, really? How did you get that I mean Because he Well he cameoed on the show You know And He's like You know the first time

I ever got auditioned For anything on TV It was You know it was for Offspring And they said Would you like to audition As the first time

I've ever done any And so I went in I learned my lines I was really nervous I practiced with someone I went in I thought I You know I gave it'd, you know,

I gave it 110%, you know. Then they said, we'll call you. And then they said, sorry, you haven't got the part. And I was like, shit. I was like, oh, I'll try my best. Turn on the episode like weeks later and in comes Kamal doing that role. Oh, what? So my nemesis was freaking Kamal.

Wow. So they went for the other brown guy. Was Kamal playing himself? No, he was playing the doctor character that I was auditioning for. Kamal played a doctor? Yeah. And that's how you got his – I've seen you as being a doctor,

although they probably asked you some medical questions. You go, yeah, when your hair falls out, when you get leukemia. And they go, oh, this guy's a fucking idiot. He's never going to memorise medical tests. So that's your explanation of how you got his number because you lose the role to him and then you've got the production office. Give me his phone number so I can send him some death threats. I think I just asked him.

I just said, no, actually. So you can get acting tips off him? So Tim Minchin was in that scene. I'm not shitting on Kamal. Listen to this guy dropping names, Kamal, Tim Minchin. We all know people, man. I know Karen Poole. Yeah, me too. We all know people, man. I know Karen Paul. Yeah, me too.

I feel like I know Karen Paul. Anyway, so Tim was there. And I remember Kamal kept wanting to pitch an idea to Tim. And Kamal is a very nice man, gentleman. Good actor too. A great actor. And he just kept asking Tim if he could pitch an idea. And Tim, at the end of the day, had to go home.

So then Kamal asked me for my number so that I could contact Tim on his behalf. The middle man. Yeah, the middle man. So you didn't get the role, you got the messenger. But now he wants me to pitch an idea to Tim. Was it Matilda? It was Matilda. It was Matilda.

But basically, yeah, anyway, Kamal's basically, he's still hungry, man. He's hungry. Yeah. He's hungry. He wants a break in. basically – he's still hungry, man. He's hungry. Yeah. He's hungry. He wants to break in. I'm hungry. He's out there. He's working.

He's working. You just went on a holiday, Nazeem. Yeah. Is it true that – did someone put a curse on your baby while you were on holiday? What? This is fucked. It's really – I don't think it's too soon to talk about. Basically –

It's fucked. I got most of my baby travel advice from you. You're the one that pretty much encouraged me to go – Shahida, my wife, wife to go overseas the baby because you said because because people freak me out about traveling with baby and you were like listen you don't revolve your life around the baby the baby revolves around you or something yeah it has to fit in with your life you don't fit in with its life yeah and so and this is actually we asked you to come to the coast of movie international podcast festival and you were like absolutely this is going to be awesome. And it was like two weeks out, and then it was like, and you'd just had a baby like a week ago.

You're like, I'll be there. I'll come. I'll bring the baby. And I'm like, look, I don't have a baby, and you do, but is that a good idea? And you're like, yeah, that sounds good to me. Let's go. And then a week later, my wife said, we're absolutely not going to go.

I do the same. I'm like, fucking A, yeah. Yeah, we're going gonna go around the world yeah man yeah and then my wife's like are you out of your fucking mind

and then I think your manager researched the hospital it's a piece of shit oh really and it's like it's like a freaking

van one van that's the ambulance and it takes ages and people have died waiting for it that is like the darkest shit

to research I know so Beck was basically like how is there ratings online for ambulances if you want your baby to die that's kind of how freaked out she was and it takes ages and people have died waiting for it. That is like the darkest shit to research. I know. Beck was basically like, go if you want your baby to die. That's kind of how freaked out she was. Anyway, so we didn't go there. Is there a rating system for hospitals where you can give bad reviews for hospitals? Yeah, it's the same. It's much bigger than the hospital.

It should be like an Uber doctor thing. Yeah, there should be a star thing. Anyway. What's a hospital that I can look and check the reviews of? Royal Children's Hospital. Oh, fuck. Who's giving them a bad review? Yeah, no.

Jeez. Probably KFC because they've got a Ronald McDonald house as a part of it. Yeah, that's true. Anyway, so we went to Switzerland and we're on an island in the UAE. 4.8 on Facebook for the Royal Children's Hospital. Are you serious? 4.8 stars. Yeah. Fuck Children's Hospital 4.8 stars yeah from 3,588 votes

I want to go there right now yeah it sounds good that's one knee over yeah I'm going to go get my cold checked out there 32 year old man there's only like one

there's only like one children's hospital in Melbourne so it's not like you're going to look at the reviews and go 4.0 stuff it you know I only go to 5 star hospitals

what is the review of the Costa Mua International Hospital then has it got like 3 stars or something 1.2

you can only review if you're alive at the end of it you know and so yeah it can't be that bad but anyway

so who put the so basically I went to Switzerland right which is the most which is actually the most expensive country in the world

ordered a coffee 12 bucks we were like let's never convert again to because it's just really expensive anyway so we So I went to Switzerland, right, which is actually the most expensive country in the world. Ordered a coffee, $12. We were like, let's never convert again because it's just really expensive. Anyway, so we had a great time in Switzerland. Then we were on the way to a place called Annecy, north of France, only like 90 minutes away. And so I said to my wife, you just stay here with the baby. I'll just quickly go get the bags that we had in storage and I'll come back in three minutes. She goes, oh, cool, cool.

So I go get the bags come back maybe two and a half minutes later my wife is standing there like freaking just kind of like just shocked like white in the face and she was i was like what happened she goes oh this woman came up and uh i said what she goes and she she started speaking i think in french and i didn't really understand what she was saying and i said sorry i don't speak french and then she said money i want your money and my wife didn't have any money on her because i had the bags And I said, sorry, I don't speak French. And then she said, money. I want your money. And my wife didn't have any money on her because I had the bags and everything. And then she goes, I don't have any money. So then the woman, who looked like a gypsy, and she had all this, like,

random stuff. She was carrying all sorts of crap on her. And she just goes, puts her head into the pram and starts doing, like, spell shit. Like, oh, baby. And, like, weird crazy shit. Oh, he's doing the eyes. Like, oh, baby. And like weird crazy shit. Oh, he's doing the eyes. Oh, my God.

And then she walked away. And then my wife goes, there she is. And then I started kind of walking after them. I was like, choose me. And she looked back and said, take your curse back. You take your curse back. Whoa. And then she just walked away.

And then the bags were there. So we had to go. And then I was just like, ha, ha, ha. Your baby has so got cat AIDS now. Oh, I was just like, ha ha, it's fine. Your baby has so got cat AIDS now. Can babies die from cat AIDS? No. No, they're all good.

Gypsies are crazy though. Yeah, you can't go with anything. Are there laws against cursing other people's babies? Are you allowed to say gypsies? Is that a word you can say? I think actually, it's probably a word that Pablo Francisco would use. Because he's culturally appropriate. And are you looking at your baby's fuzzy bald head now going,

oh, God, it's got leukemia, the curse worked. Don't even say that. No, there's nothing like it. So you're saying at this point in time in the world, it's not illegal to curse another person's baby. So I can go freely up to another person's baby and curse the baby to its face and walk off and no one by law can do anything about it. You know what? Because it's not really up to the gypsy or the person who's putting the curse on your baby.

You don't know because your baby is still a baby, right? I've got a five-year-old and a two-year-old. They don't fucking listen. baby is still a baby, right? I've got a five-year-old and a two-year-old. They don't fucking listen. That woman could have said anything to your baby. Could have gone, you need to be the best baby in the world. Be the

strongest boy. Grow up to be the best. And your baby would have gone, fuck off, lady. They don't listen. So it doesn't matter. You can say anything. I say to my kids every day, can you please just calm down? Stop running. Stop running. Don't slam the door. Stop running. Can you stop running Stop running. Stop running. Don't slam the door. Stop running.

Can you stop running? Stop hitting your brother. Don't draw on that. Put that down. Stop. Can you fucking not? They don't listen. So you're cursing them more than putting a curse on them. Yeah.

Honestly, they're a curse to us. You should thank that gypsy lady. Is that how curses work? Do you have to actually listen to the curse for the curse to work? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a compliment. If someone goes, oh, you've got beautiful legs. Is that how curses work? Do you have to actually listen to the curse for the curse to work? Yeah. It's like a compliment. If someone goes, oh, you've got beautiful legs, and you don't hear it,

you just go, I've got chicken legs, I've got chicken legs. But if you don't hear that, no, they're beautiful, they're hairy as fuck, but they're beautiful. Like, you don't take them. If you put earplugs, if you're deaf, you can never have a curse put on you. Is that what you're saying? That's what I'm saying. Wow.

Firstly, if we're going to talk about curses, we've got to obviously assume that we all accept the idea of curses. I think if we do, then curses can happen with or without you hearing them. I reckon, and if I was writing a movie and there's lots of curses going on in that movie, that's a common theme, I would go up to someone sleeping and in their sleep go, and that would be a curse. Oh, right. Don't you think that would stand?

You'd say that to them while they're asleep and they're cursed. And you're not even in the same room as them? No. If curses were real, no one would have an ex that is still alive. We'd all be fucking dead. Yeah. Obviously, my ex would be just walking around

with flames coming out of her. But the seance didn't work. Also, I reckon the least scary curse is a Swiss curse. Yeah. May your chocolate be bitter. May your chocolate be less smooth. May your cheese have no holes in it. May it be neutral.

Yeah. May your army knife never open. May your cuckoo come out of the clock slowly. May your skis be dirty. Yeah. I wouldn't be too worried about it. Well, look, I mean, yeah, at some point if he starts... But do you feel like anything that goes wrong now,

you're going to be a little on edge? Like, oh, God, the curse. When was it? Because there was like maybe a month. I don't know. The thing is, when stuff that I can't explain happens, I start thinking supernatural shit's going on. And I mean, I know it's a rash.

I know I'm being dumb. Is that your go-to? Anything wrong goes at all and you go fucking ghost. Okay, you speak to brown people, right? Like our parents' generation, they've got this weird superstitious thing. It's probably maybe your mum as well. But basically if someone cheats on their wife, they'll go, oh, he's got the gin.

Oh, he was possessed. Oh, we've got to like get an exorcism. What? Oh, he failed his exam. He's probably been – he's got a gin, which is kind of like this supernatural – It's like something over you. Yeah, something over you.

It's like the dark cloud. He's got a curse. Someone's put some shit on him. A gin. Yeah, a gin or some black magic. God, I love this. Not only are you not accepting any accountability for yourself, other people doing the work for you to let you off the horse.

So you go and root your neighbour and it's like, it's the gin. Oh, I couldn't help it. I couldn't help it. It was a gin. Someone did black magic and made me. Yeah, possessed by the fuck ghost. That's massive in Africa too. Yeah, with the witch doctors and stuff.

We've got a family friend who basically travels around and is like a travelling exorcist guy goes around and goes oh my daughter's failure exams aren't all exorcists

travelling exorcists probably there's not many that have like a fixed office that you have to come to yeah honestly

this sounds like easy money to me I will say boom boom boom boom all your bullshit's gone now that'll be $400 yeah you're right you bring your Bible I'm going to take that easy money to me. I will say boom, boom, boom, boom. All your bullshit's gone. Now, that'll be $400. Yeah, you're right.

You bring your baby. I'm going to take that. I feel a little bit nervous laughing about this just in case. Yeah. And then now I've agreed with you laughing at them. Yeah, exorcists would always have to do house calls because it's fucking hard to drag someone into someone else's office when their head's swinging around like that. Like it's a lot easier to go to their place.

No, but sometimes it only flares up at exam time or like when the neighbour's home or, you know. Yeah, when you're horny. It only flares up when my dick's hard. I don't know how that works. When the neighbour's here, she bends over and my dick gets hard, then it's really in me. The exorcist, they just need to whack my dick off a bit

and then I feel better. Whenever there's a sail on at the brothel, all of a sudden, fucking hell. Honestly, that gin's strong. Well, speaking of exorcists, this is kind of in the ballpark. A friend of mine went to a work function recently and her work had gotten in a hypnotist as like entertainment for this work function, which you know you hear about people

having that at work things and it's so weird. It's like, cool, we'll all fucking embarrass ourselves in front of all the rest of the office. Especially like the line item when they're doing the accounts at the end of the year. They've got like entertainment and it's just weird. Yeah, but so someone from her work got hypnotised and the hypnotist made this person think

that they were a Chinese comedian and she sent me a video of it and he's like up on stage just going for it. What the hell? Like just absolutely going for it. Was he on your show two weeks ago? Yeah. He's doing the eyes.

He's going for it. It's so fucking unbelievable. weeks ago? Yeah, he's doing the eyes. He's going for it. It's so fucking unbelievable. And the best bit is it's like the guy But this is not Pablo. No, no. The guy doing it is the guy that has been hypnotised to be a Chinese comedian is the HR manager at the office.

I've got an HR complaint for you. That is the definition of career suicide. That's amazing. But you know what? He just forgets and he goes in on Monday morning, oh, there's a line out the door of my office. This is unusual. But there's a little bit left.

There's a lot of people that don't reiki me very much today. This is very weird. But if I was ever brought into a HR office for being offensive or being racist or whatever, couldn't you just play that card and say, listen, okay, 10 years ago I was hypnotized and now and then it flares up. Also, it was the gin as well. It was a bit of a combo. But so now this is the question about hypnotism that I always ask.

I mean, I've never been hypnotized, especially with that sort of like show. It's a bit showbiz or whatever. So no one really gets hypnotised, don't they? No, I reckon it's bullshit. Correct. Okay, so we worked on Orange is the New Brand. Johnny Lowry, the executive producer. So that's your show coming up.

That'll be nearly on TV right now as we speak, I think. I'm starting to think we might not be asked to be in it, Carl. You guys just team up and chat about it. What's new other here person? We emailed your agent. Let me get that baby of yours. I've got a few purses I want to put on it. Your agent Karen Poole has got the details.

We're going to get in early and start talking to your balls. Talk to your potential babies. They made a show with Peter Powers. Do you know Peter Powers? No. Hypnotist. I don't know where he's from. He's not, yeah. He's like the – Hypnotist. Oh, right. He's like – I think he's British.

British-ish. Quite unquote famous hypnotist, as famous as you can be for that. So basically Richard Thorpe, they're all like proper sceptics of just weird shit generally. So he's like the head writer and he was also director. He said – he goes, it's freaking real. He goes like – what he does is they find people that are suggestible. They kind of short – Dumb people.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't know how he figures it out. Dumb people, people that are – they find people that are suggestible. They kind of shortlist them. Dumb people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know how he figures it out. Dumb people, people that are, like, army people are very suggestible because they're good at taking orders. And very creative-y people, like people like us, maybe. People who don't immunise. People who don't vaccinate their kids. Yeah, yeah.

All of y'all, go and sit here. So he gets them and then he goes, and then he kind of, so even when they're doing lunch, he puts them in a state of, they're in a state of hypnosis, but they're like zombies. They're like sleeping. And he goes, it's real. Because then he goes, you know, he goes, he gives them a command, like if I say this word or that word.

And people were just going up, people in the crew were just, as a joke, when Peter wasn't looking, just going up, saying chicken, and they were, and they would just start doing. What? Yeah, so he goes, it's none of it's bullshit. He goes, it's real. And he goes, there's some questionable stuff that has happened

with not Peter Powers but other you know hypnotists yeah and he showed me a YouTube clip I'll show you afterwards

of basically him hypnotising women in the crowd in the studio audience and they go when I say this you'll be full on in love with me

and find me really attractive and they start passing him and that's kind of like borderline that's sexual assault there's no borderline

no that is sexual assault 100% wrong yeah so I don't think you know and this is all part of your show is that what we're talking about

yeah so it's not this guy that does it but basically but he was saying like it's yeah so but there's a huge difference

between having your own show in the UK and doing a Christmas function And a pub for Imagine like going into that Function you feel that HR manager Being like hypnotism Is bullshit it doesn't work

And then you're at the gig being the Chinese comedian Just literally like The video she sent me is horrific Like that's what he's doing And then back there Monday morning, no, it's real. That definitely was like, that was out of my hands. That would be great if they then booked the HR manager for entertainment the next Christmas party.

Bring back the act. Bring back Charlie Chan, the comedian. That guy was awesome. Well, you know, actually on Legally Brown we did that. I played a character which was like a fake guru and we created a studio. We had a studio. We'd get guests to come in and then the whole crew would act

like I was some famous guru because I don't know how to hypnotise people, obviously. No, that's a big alibi. But the aim was that they would believe me and that they would start maybe saying we're doing some weird shit. And so we basically, over the course of like a day, we had people come in for maybe 45 minutes and we'd do sleeper questions. So we'd find out stuff about their lives.

So we'd be like, oh, you've got a cat named blah or you've got a dog named blah. And we'd sort of bring that up and then the other person would be like, wow, you have this psychic knowledge. And they would start to subconsciously believe. Anyway, one woman actually believed that she breathed her spirit into a bottle and then we knocked the bottle over and started freaking out started trying to chase his spirit around that she could suddenly see wow yeah and we were like what the fuck like we were just it was we're trying to get a two-minute comedy but she was actually um and then afterwards

her friend ran in and said hey i set you up as a joke ha ha ha and uh ha. And she basically said she was a sceptic of this sort of stuff beforehand. But because she was in the room and everybody else was talking about me being this world-renowned guru, she subconsciously told herself, what the hell is wrong with me that I can't believe to see what he offers? Right. And so she convinced herself without knowing to believe and she started to literally see things. So that's the experience I've had with uh people i know that have been hypnotized on stage in some of that sort of show

where i go what did you really believe that that you were a chicken or whatever it was and it was like no it's this weird feeling of like oh you better go along with it yeah yeah yeah it's called peer pressure yeah that's what that is you don't want to look like a dick you don't want to go this poor fucking guy just spent 20 minutes working the audience, packing the people. You're sitting there slumped in a chair going, fuck, it didn't work. That's what I should have said to my mum at 15 when I was caught with cigarettes. I was hypnotised. That's peer pressure.

That's hypnotism. That would have been, yeah, if you're that HR manager doing the Chinese comedian thing and you're like secretly very racist and then the hypnotist whispers that in your ear, you're like, yes! thing and you're like secretly very racist and then the hypnotist whispers that in your ear you're like yes the only time I've ever thought hypnotism has worked was

at our high school and you know all the parents were there and they had a hypnotist in for the night and then my friend's mum who's real prudish Christian lady she was one of the people being hypnotised and the guy said okay when I click my fingers

You're going to be in the shower And you have to wash yourself And then as soon as he clicked his fingers She started washing her vagina Oh good With like hard hair Oh shit Oh shit

And maybe it does work Because I can't imagine She'd be doing that severe rubbing Oh my god That's not Hell yes I'm going to learn how to hypnotize people This sounds awesome It sounds awesome We've got to get her I can't imagine she'd be doing that severe rubbing. Oh, my God. Hell, yes. I'm going to learn how to hypnotise people. This sounds awesome. It sounds awesome.

We've got to get a hypnotist at one of our live shows. Oh, yeah. Before you know it, you've been to magicians and shit. Your crowd is already mental, bro. They will put stickers on cat food. I feel like we're hypnotising our listeners already. No, that's what I mean. We get one in to just look into the crowd and go,

just chill the fuck out, guys. Just be normal for five minutes. We get anti-hypnotists. Yeah, that's a good idea. You just need someone's mum to come and have a good stern word with you. You boys need to put your head in. I was about to say, everyone pull your bloody head in. Well, we've got just about all the time we have for this week

Why has it only been 18 minutes? Well, we've got one last thing to do We do the traditional everyone having a crack at their best Arnie impression If you can do Arnie to Ice Ice Baby right now That's actually pretty good That's better than some other times we've had people

This is my impression of Arnie Marie, I'm so sorry I had a baby with a nanny Actually pretty good, yeah. That's better than some other times we've had people. Yeah, this is my impression of Arnie. Marie, I'm so sorry. I had a baby with a nanny. Spot on. Spot on. She did the eyes. All right, yeah, Nazeem and Ursula.

So, Nazeem, your show, I think, will be on. We've got a show coming out on Channel 7. Orange is the New Brown, you know. And that starts on what date? We don't have an exact air date, but it's coming soon to seven. We'll let you know via social media. It might possibly be on by the time we put this out, maybe. You get to see us play Nicole Kidman, actually. Really accurate, actually.

I've had a few. This is true. I've had a few DMs of people going, that's hot. Well, you wouldn't. I don't have the wig on. Don't give it away on the podcast. It's really podcast. Yeah, no. It's really convincing.

Yeah. Also, she's like an prison warden. Yeah, and a drill sergeant. Drill sergeant. You're a, you know, marriage celebrant. Yeah, marriage,

all sorts of stuff. Yeah. Great. Really stretching the... A lot of roles given to you, none to Kamal. Still a bit bitter. Kamal plays Kamal

and he plays Kamal pretty well. But just not on your show. Just not on the show. Yeah. Is he on your show? That's what I'm saying. He's on Orange is the Bear. Oh, right.

Okay. But he wanted to pitch something to Tim Minchin who's also in that scene. Yeah, we've literally, every single person that's ever even looked at comedy has been in the show. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Sounds like a great place. We went through the A to Z

of Australian comedians and we got them all on. There's people on there that I think should not have been on there. That's how everyone was been on there. When we were chatting, we were like, who are those people?

We're like, apparently they're comedians. And we're like, well, that's great because we want to get more. Sounds like you two should have been down the pub before you cast this show

because I don't think you did your research absolutely completely. No, that old fart's on it. He does a soundtrack. We end it with Ghostbusters. You will not be getting a smile from me next time

I see you in the car park after this. Fuck you, Azan. I am livid. Yeah, Ursula, you've got a book out. I do. Rolling with the Punchlines.

Yeah, I think you can get it online. Great. I wrote it myself. Yeah, I think you can get it online. Great. I wrote it myself. Yeah, you don't know where the show is, you don't know where your book is. No, I wrote it myself. Yeah, and then I'm touring.

Follow me online. And I've got a website. And Google is always helpful. Oh, nice. For all of these things. The date, the book, everything. All that stuff's on there. Yeah.

Great, guys. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. And they've done it again. No doubt. We're on a hot streak. I can say that with 100% guarantee. Two in a row.

Yeah. Well, we've done it again. At least two in a row. Two and a half in a row. Two and a half in a row. Two and a half in a row. I'll stand by that. Yeah, in a row. Yeah. Where we've done it again. At least two in a row. Two and a half in a row. Two and a half in a row. Two and a half in a row. I'll stand by that. Yeah, that's fair.

Yeah. We didn't lose points a couple of weeks ago, but we came damn close. We had a last minute equaliser. This one, there was no doubt about it. We walked out of that hotel room and we looked at each other and you said to me, Tommy, are you thinking what I'm thinking? And with a glint in my eye, I said, Carl, I think I am. And then in unison, we said to each other, we've done it again. We've done it again.

And we jumped in the air and we high-fived each other, as we do at the end of every episode of The Little Dumb Number Club. Then we got in our convertible. We drove back to the apartment that we rent together. We hopped into our bunk beds, you on top, me on the bottom, and just went off to sleep with our hearts full yeah knowing that we had another ripper hour of content in the bag feels feels good the whole week leading up going you know what can't wait to give this gift of comedy to all the listeners out there it genuinely

does because we've been doing a lot lately where we're all the little elves in the uh little don don club factory mr and m Mrs Claus over here doing their podcast. Yeah, putting all the final touches on the podcast during the week so they can put in a sleigh and then dump it overnight. So then how does the naughty and nice list work for us? If we be nice, we don't put that episode out. Great.

It is though, because we've been doing a lot of these well in advance lately, and knowing that we have a good one in the can and kind of having to wait a week or so to put it out and get the feedback, it is hard. I get like, oh, man, I can't wait for people to hear this one if it's a particularly good one. And especially finally getting Ursula on, which is great

because it's great to have a first-time person on and especially someone with profile like that and especially someone who gets it straight away. So, yeah, she was great. And the first time that Seth Africa has ever been represented on the podcast. Finally, they get a go. Finally. Yeah, great app.

So, yeah, let us know on the socials what you thought. You know what? The last couple of weeks, we've had a few differing opinions on episodes and whatever, so it's nice to – Have we? Look, you know what? Pick this one to bits. Go at it, guys.

What did you find wrong about this episode? I forgot to bring this up in the episode, but so Ursula is maybe my parents' favourite comedian. Right. They love Ursula. They also really love Nazeem because I recommended that they go see his show, I think, a couple of years ago and they loved it. And they particularly – because Nazeem does a lot of stuff

about his Muslim mother in his show and he does the eyes, so to speak, when he impersonates his mother, which my dad found really funny. And then about a year after they saw his show for the first time, I was like, I think it was during the comedy festival or something, it was a live one, and dad was like, who's on tomorrow? And I was like, oh, Nazeem. You know Nazeem? You saw his show last year.

And dad goes, oh, yes. Oh, yes. Diet Coke. I'm like, I don't, I mean, I didn't see the show with you, so I don't know what that – and then realised, like, oh, that's a bit where Nazeem impersonates his mum. Azan. Yeah, but, like, just Dad out of context. Just doing a bit of head wobble as well.

I'm like, I don't know that that's strictly accurate. Get him on the podcast. Get him in. Yeah, good. Very good. Hey, so very quick. I'll say this. This has got a few twists and turns in it, but I'm recording this.

I've just come from the police station, Tom. Yes, yes, for Crimes Against Comedy. Yes, guilty. You're out on bail. Yes. $69 million bail. Yeah. Pretty good deal. I argued it up. You are currently under house arrest at my bail. Yeah. Pretty good deal.

I argued it up. You are currently under house arrest at my house. Yes. You're sitting here with the ankle bracelet on. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not to go within 50 metres of content. No risk of that here. No.

So anyway, look, to be serious for one little second. So what I was at the police station for was because last week, actually, we were out. Yeah. We were out to dinner and on the way home, I saw an incident which I was not a fan of. I saw a couple get into an argument. I saw the guy push the girl and then throw the girl to the ground.

I intervened. And look, in classic Chandler style, really got up in this cunt's grill. Really. Just look, I was totally doing the right thing, but also it was a nice time for me to shine. It was really, you know, you could probably imagine what I was like. I was right in this guy's face. People are happy to do the right thing, but in this case, from what you relayed to me, you were a bit too happy to do the right thing. Yeah, yeah case, from what you relayed to me, you were a bit too happy to do the right thing. Yeah, yeah.

It was nice to have an excuse, I think. You were treating it like indoor soccer. Yeah, yeah. So I gave to this guy very, very hard because, to be fair, he was a fucking, as I said to him, a cunt dog of a cunt. That where just raw passion takes over and you're're like You're not Oscar Wilde in that situation No You dumb cunt

Fuck cunt Yes Fuck All that stuff So And you described in detail to me what you saw And it's horrific It sounded really horrific

Yeah, yeah And look And it's a bit of a shock to actually see that stuff I literally haven't seen that sort of stuff In the wild before I haven't seen it in actual person. So it was pretty – I've had it happen once.

I was in a cab and we drove past like a guy like kicking the shit out of his girlfriend. And everyone in the cab was like, whoa, we've got to turn around. And yeah, we had to get involved. It was fucked. It's awful. Yes. And look, I guess the things to take away from that is the guy, as I quite rightly told him a few times during the night,

you're not a man. What sort of a fucking coward cunt dog are you to do that sort of stuff? So, look, I mean, that may seem obvious, but fuck it, it probably shouldn't be said enough. It hasn't been said enough. But anyway. I'm a dog cunt. So good.

But also, as I said to the girl, like the girl was very lovely about it all and she said thank you but we've got it from here and whatever and then i sort of shadowed them along because i thought this is not the end of it it wasn't the end of it um i got the police involved um that's pretty crazy like the girl in that going like we can take it from here but that's what i'm saying look and look that's a that's a thing that obviously does happen. Totally. She's trying to protect the guy from himself, from the police, from whatever, while still copping it. It was the same thing with the one I saw.

By the time we got back, and then the cops turned up because we called them, and she was like, no, no, it's fine. It's like, it's absolutely not fine. Yeah, yeah. So it's not blaming her, but it is just, as I said during the night, you don't need to put up with this stuff. Like, this guy is a fucking well beneath you, like a piece of shit. Then he was denying it to the police, all this sort of stuff. And I was saying to the girl, don't put up with this.

They are not, you know, they've denied, a couple of them have denied it. So I've just gone and made a statement. And, you know, it was good to go in there and, you know, be questioned about it and all that sort of stuff. And then I sort of gave my side. It was all written down. The girl that was taking the notes was very, very young, which is also a little bit different.

Like it felt like the girl taking the notes was quite possibly under the age of 18. I'm sure it wasn't. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But so I'm dealing with her and she's asking me questions. Clearly like probably quite new at the job. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Very, very young. And I'm sort of like, oh, this is even weird to be dealing with her and she's asking me questions. Clearly like probably quite new at the job. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Very, very young.

And I'm sort of like, oh, this is even weird to be dealing with a police. I know that that's been said before as a sign that you're getting older when you're looking at the people. The boy in the cop's going, fucking how old are you? How have you turned a story where you intervene on a guy beating up his girlfriend and you're still coming out looking like the bigger creep in this? So she's talking to me about all this stuff and I'm going, yeah,

no worries. And then she goes, I'm just going to, uh, she's typing the whole thing out as we go. I'm going to print this out and then, and then get you to sign it if that's cool. And so,

uh, she prints it all out. It takes quite a while. Prints it all out, gives it to me. and then I read over it and I sort of read over what she's sort of into. Basically what I've said, her cleaning it up a little bit. Yeah.

Cunt dog cunt didn't make the printed out description. No, more of, you know, putting it into a story sort of thing. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like punctuating it. She's doing punch up. Yeah, yeah. She's doing for you what you do for other comedians no no no she's actually

doing the opposite she's sort of like putting a backbone through the story right yeah right she's like a ghostwriter yes for your memoirs yes exactly exactly that would be great yeah you walk away from doing a statement you're like you know i'm meant to be writing a book about my life at the moment yeah yeah yeah like come and just like because you've got the gift yeah so what i've told her is the story of what happened right until the police turned up right and then um so i've i've read over the story that i've i've read out to her but then she's added in what happened after the police got there right which is what not what i talked about at all when we're one-on-one their. That's their account.

So it's like, here's all my story and then the police came, cool, that's all correct. Oh, there's more to the story that I didn't read out. Then I became extremely abusive to the guy as he was in police custody and screamed at him as I was being accused of lying and then I screamed a lot of extremities at him and

a lot of nasty words and swearing. I'm like, that's fair. And for context, we should say, you said we'd been out for dinner. We'd been out for dinner with Milan. Yes. So you were fired up. Yes. I was in the mood.

Yeah, you were in the mood. Yes. Because you did tell me that when the police came along, they did have to tell you to cool it. Yes. Which is very you. It's like the cops come along and still there's part of you going like, nah, these cunts don't know what they're doing.

I'll take care of this. Totally. I think as I was in custody, they were like, I think they said the words, I think you've helped enough at the moment. It's bizarre to me that you don't like comic books or anything because I think there's a part of you that kind of thinks of yourself the way Batman thinks of himself. The cops can't handle this.

Billionaire playboy Carl Chandler going into the cunt cave and putting on the mask. Something like that. Yeah. So we got to the end of it. And as the girl went out, as the police officer I should say,

left the room. Constable comedy. Yes. Because she'd been trying to organise me to come down and make this statement, but she'd been giving me hours. When she was on duty, which are very late hours, she was suggesting I come in at midnight to give statements and stuff like that. And I was like, I don't know how this is going to work.

Anyway, midnight on a Sunday. Interesting. Anyway, So she left She said Can't you come down And I was like Oh look Not really

Can you give me some hours During the day Because I'm sort of I'm a freelancer So I can organise my day hours But I just don't want to come in In the middle of the night So as she leaves the room

She sort of turns around to me And goes So you're a freelancer What do you do? And I go, I'm a writer. And she goes, oh, like a copywriter or something. And I go, oh, no, I do a lot of TV writing. And she goes, oh, sick.

I'm like, oh, okay. And so then she walks back in and she goes, so what sort of TV shows and stuff? And I'm like, oh, look, lots of different. So like I just finished on – they brought back for one episode, they brought back Spicks and Specks. I just worked on that. And she goes, oh, my God, grouse. Grouse.

Grouse. She really said grouse. Yes. This young underage woman said grouse. Yes. That's sick. Does that mean it's coming back? What, Spix and Sphex or grouse?

Both. Yeah. Well, that's what I was going to ask you. Is grouse a thing now or not? I don't know. Well, you know, we talked a few weeks ago about how the youth don't know anything about 69ing. Yeah.

It's crazy to me. I mean, this isn't a world I want to live in. Kids not being into 69ing but being into saying grouse, that's the wrong way around. Yeah. That's not the world I want to live in. Is this the first experience of like I'm getting older and I just don't understand the world anymore?

No, it's not I don't understand. I'm more like I don't think you understand the world anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't say grouse when you're a police officer. Grouse, yeah, I don't know about that. So she goes, grouse, and then she goes, oh, any other shows? And I go, oh, I work on the project. And she goes, oh, yeah.

Yeah, there's no kid that's super enthusiastic about the project. Well, you'd think if you're a police officer, it's in your line of work to be sort of, you know, I don't know, aware of the news and the world around you and stuff like that. You should have lied and said a cop show. You should have lied and said you of, you know, I don't know, aware of the news and the world around you and stuff like that. You should have lied and said a cop show. You should have lied and said you write for like, I don't know, what's it called? Border Security.

Border Security, yeah. I write all the dialogue for the Asian people that come in with mushrooms or whatever. Smuggling in fucking lizard scales and shit. Yeah, yeah. That's cool. Do you feel good about having done like a civic duty? Yeah.

I mean, not good but just like, oh, well, I feel not bad because they're appreciative in saying that, you know, not everyone comes and follows through and all that sort of stuff. So I think I feel not guilty. Have you ever done jury duty? No. Have you been asked to do jury duty? No.

I got asked once Yeah And I was like kind of looking forward to it Because it's you know I don't know be interesting Yeah And then it got cancelled like on the morning Like I got up and I was on my way in And there's like a hotline you can call to like check if it's still happening

Yeah And I called it and they're like no And I'm like oh fuck Oh I missed my great opportunity to you know Judge someone To judge someone, yeah. But there was some like, I'm trying to think what it was.

There was some big thing at the time. There was like, it had been in the news and all my friends were like, fuck, maybe it's that. It was like some fucking, you know, like underworld thing. Right. And my friends were like, you're going to get fucking got. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So as I walk out of the

police station though oh there's more yeah so there's like two police stations sort of back to back but in the middle they've got like a cafe where i was like okay so this is the police cafe right right is this the one on flint is lane no okay no um there's a cafe in between it's obviously like that's the one that both the police organisations use. Yeah. Now, it had a themed name which I think is fine in a lot of industries and stuff like that. I'm not sure if you need a themed name when you're the police station.

You know what I mean? The police station cafe. Yeah, but it's not – no, that's not a themed name. I mean, you know, like, for example, at a golf course, they might call it the 19th hole. Yes, okay. Because it's themed. It's going off terminology that you're using within the thing around you.

Right. So that's what they're doing with the police station cafe. Yeah, okay. It's called Code 3. Okay. Now, Code 3 is when something bad's happened and you've put your lights and sirens on the police car. And they've called the cafe that?

That's pretty bad. Is that suitable at all? That's pretty weird. It's like Code 3. Oh, my God. What's happening? Oh, for catchers. But I guess it's like if cops are the only people that go there,

it's just for them. You know what go there, it's just for them. You know what I mean? It's just for them. They're like, oh, that's funny. It's still open to the public. I know, sure. But most public, I mean, I'd never heard that. So most public, you know, most people from the public

wouldn't know what it is. You know what I mean? I'd just go, oh, code three. I think it's fine, you know, if you go to Disneyland and they call it mini golf, like mini mouse golf. Like I think you're fine to do stuff like that but you don't need to put cop stuff in there. Like you don't need to have the domestic violence playground

at the back or, you know, whatever. Like you don't need. Yeah, you're right. But that's like what you've just said. It could be much worse. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like it could be far worse.

There's probably like Doctors offices and hospitals That have Super fucked up ones Because you know how like You know like doctors You know Famous for having like Bad bedside manner

Because once you've been You know Once you've been a doctor For a little while You're just so desensitised To everything Yeah That you're

You know You're giving someone a diagnosis But you're not You're so desensitised To the full gravity Of what you're saying. So you could feasibly have a hospital that's got the dead cunt cafe in it and all the doctors are there going like, ah, it's a bit of fun, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're not like the deceased auntie. Ah, yeah, it's a bit funny. Imagine your auntie dying. Yeah. Or would you have in a hospital the post-mortem cafe or something? Something like that. Yeah. The, what would you have the, you know, in a hospital, the post-mortem cafe or something. Something like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyone who works in a, any nurses or doctors, if you, let us know. Is this a thing that happens in? Is there a more inappropriate themed name of a cafe or something like that? Yeah. Specials boards, you know, that have like, you know, a bit of silly, bit of mucking around with the name of the, you know, giving the ricotta, the spinach and ricotta roll a bit of a funny name. Anyway, so that was my morning.

So let's get into the reason everyone's here, the chance of having little names right now. What we do is if you enjoy the show, you can chuck in a little bit of money our way via Patreon, patreon.com slash littledumbdumbclub. If you enjoy the show, if you think it's worth a few of your shekels every week, every month, and then, of course, if you're one of those people that don't give a fuck about that but purely want content, you're in luck as well because we send out a bonus episode every month. We send out a bonus magazine that we slave over every month called Hey Mates. We're up to issue

20. We're up to like two years in or something now. I forgot I had a name. Yeah. I'm going to get working on this physical edition of it. Right. This deluxe super special edition. Like one of those Greatest Hits albums that has a few extra tracks on it. Yeah. So I'm going to go through all the previous ones and pick out the best bits, do a covers gallery, do a posters gallery from live shows over the years and then we'll do a couple of little extra things for it and hopefully have it printed up for the end of the year. I would never put a timeline on something like that.

No, I'm trying to do it to make myself accountable. Yeah, right. So, yeah, you can get all that sort of stuff. You can get the bonus magazine bonus episodes all via that if you sign up, which we much appreciate. And then there's the chance of having a little name read out in this little segment. And I'm not sure if I've mentioned this, Tommy, but we have a sponsor for this little section now.

Oh, do we? Yeah. I didn't know that at all. Yeah. No, we do have a sponsor for the unplanned title alternator at the end of the show when we read out a random amount of names. So someone sponsors the unplanned title alternator? Yeah.

Okay. Yeah, this section of the show. Yeah. So this is – but we're reading out sponsors. So the thing that we read the sponsors out from is itself sponsored. Well, we're reading out patrons. Okay, right. It's just slightly different, I think.

Yeah. Splitting hairs, but anyway. Yep. I can't wait to hear who the sponsor is. Yeah, well, here we go. The sponsor of this section, of the Unplanned Total Night alternator section of the show is Aproz Catfood. Aproz.

Yes, Aproz Catfood. The catfood that does the eyes. Right. Right. Yeah. Now what's – right, okay. So this is some kind of – New cat food. New cat food.

On the market, yep. And where can I find this? In supermarkets in Australia? Yes, out the back. Okay. At the back of supermarkets in Australia. Yep, yep, yep. In the dumpsters.

Well, that's where it should be anyway. Yes, okay. Sometimes you can find it should be anyway. Yes, okay. Sometimes you can find it within the supermarket. Matter of fact, I've got it now. It should be at the back because, look, I'm just reading the copy here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's filled with like all sorts of things that your cats definitely shouldn't eat. Okay.

Mainly other cats. Right. Yeah. So if you're one of these people that want to make your cat into a cannibal, a pro's cat food, definitely. A pro's cat food is the one for you. Yeah, yeah, totally. Okay.

And they specifically wanted to sponsor the unplanned title alternator. Yeah, well, that's what I've got here. Right. Yeah. I mean, they wouldn't have made a mistake apart from all the mistakes they've made with nuts and bolts being inserted into the food and things like that. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah.

Well, you know, like if, you know, all you can do is get emailed stuff and then read it out as per the instructions that you've been given. You know, if we had written this or whatever, it would have been awful. But, you know, it's like we're just, you know, we're just… Hey, I'm beholden to our new sponsor, Appraise, with that very definite R in there. Yeah, yeah. Cat food. Appraise cat food. If that's what they want there, cat food. Upproars cat food.

If that's what they want. The cat food that does the eyes. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, that's the, that's the little sort of tag on the end of it. I'm not sure why,

but yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. To me, to me this seems, you know, like an insane idea,

but hey, we'll take the money. Yeah, yeah. Happy. And how much are they paying? That should, that should actually be our slogan. Well, hey, we'll take the money. We'll take the money. paying that should that should actually be our slogan well hey we'll take the money take the money how much are they paying uh sixty nine hundred dollars per ad sixty nine hundred yeah that's fantastic that is pretty

good that's why i said yes that's very good yeah yeah you didn't even run it by me and i said why yeah why would i say no to that yeah exactly in fact i'll make a little pun to a pro's cat food, I give applause, like as in I clap. Ah, applause spelt A-double-P-L-A-W-S? No, that's an incorrect spelling of the art of clapping. Okay, right, sorry. That's bizarre. I finished school at grade three, so I don't know how to spell it. Right after they taught you the wrong way to spell things?

Yes. Right, okay. They were like, sit with this for a day and then come back tomorrow and we'll teach you the correct way. Yeah, grade four is – Just to have some context for how wrong you had it for 24 hours. First day of grade four is always, gotcha. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We taught you a lot of things last year. Yeah. And if you were gullible enough to believe it, then you have to go back to grade three again. Yeah. No, no, no, of course, spell A-double-P-L-A-U-S-E. As in, I've never heard

of any other spelling of that word. But anyway, yeah, thanks, appraise. Here we go. Let's fire it up.

Let's hit the big red button on the unplanned title alternator yet again. Thank you to Patreon subscribers, someone who chucks in money every month uh to help this to help grease the wheels uh on this machine is here we go mass mass in m-a-r-c-i-n mass in mass in i think that's right here we go with the second one says Whew. Sezepanski. Okay.

Sezepanski. Sezepanski. Spelled S-Z-C-Z-E-P-A-N-S-K-I. Sezepanski? Yeah, I guess so. I reckon that's a fair estimation. That's a – I reckon that's a – I reckon that's the best you're going to get when you're chucking in two Zs into your surname. Yeah.

That is wild stuff. Two Zs. That's a noble effort on my behalf. Yeah. I think that's as good as you could do. Yeah. I reckon you've gotten that right. I'm pretty happy with that, actually.

What else could it possibly be? Well, if you pronounce it phonetically, it would be Szczepanski. I hope that's it. Me too. I hope you were really offended at Szczepanski. Yeah. I hope that's it. Me too.

I hope you were really offended at Czapanski. It's like, what part of S-Z-C-Z says Czapanski? What part of these letters that are never normally next to each other, being next to each other, don't you understand? Yep. Fucking idiot. Yeah. I like the fact I just struggled with Marcin to start with before I had to deal with double with Zs.

Yeah, fuck. Anyway, look, fucking what a life you must have led with that. just struggled with Marcin to start with before I had to deal with double with Zeds yeah fuck anyway look fucking what a life you must have led with that how do you what's the busy

yeah very busy it's fuck you know what if you ever saw another Cezapanski you'd be excited

you'd be like we've got to be related yeah I've never heard of that name like it's obviously this is always my go-to. It's got to be Polish, hasn't it?

Something like that. I don't even want to speculate. As soon as there's a Z in there, I'm like, fuck the Polish love Zs. I've always said that. A bit like bloody Garfield over there. Oh, yeah. No Mondays. Marcin's not that far away from Monday.

Lasagna, national dish. Yeah, let us know, SZA. SZA Pansky. I like it. I do like it. He sounds delicious. I'm thinking it's a she for some reason. Oh, is Marcin a she?

Well, I don't know what it is, but I don't know. I think it's a he. You reckon? Yeah, pretty sure it's a he. I think – What are you – It sounds like you're basing that on just absolutely nothing. Yeah, you know what I'm basing it on?

Marcel. Okay. Yeah. And that's a boy's name. Yeah. Mark with M-A-R-C, that's a boy's name. Yeah. Why buck the system?

All right. Yeah. Well, let us know. Yeah, let us know, Cesar. Let us know, what are you? Yeah. Let us know what's the worst thing that's ever happened with your last name Oh interesting

Yeah You mean what like the worst mispronunciation or spelling Surely you've had a tough life with that fucking name hanging on the end of you Well but it depends I mean if they live in Australia then sure You know because it'd be You know school would be right You know teachers would constantly be mispronouncing it

Yeah But you know if they are still living in the country from which the name originates, well, it's like everyone's got some fucked up Scrabble board name. Yeah. Okay. I wonder if, yeah. Yeah, listen, I want to know more about you, Marcin.

Anyway, thanks for subscribing, Marcin. Thanks, Marcin. Thank you to Marcin. Anyway. Thanks for subscribing, Marcin. Thanks, Marcin. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. This is a lot easier. Here we go. Couldn't be simpler. Great. Harry Foot.

Not from one extreme to the other. Because we had Brook Window last week. I hope I'm pronouncing that right, Harry. Harry and then Harry Foot. Now, I've seen this guy on the socials and I'm always fascinated. There's part of me that thinks this has got to be some kind of like bizarre pseudonym. It's Foot with an E on the end, isn't it?

That's it. Footy. Footy. The Footy. The old Sharon. Yeah. I like the idea that that name didn't have an E on the end and then went, let's just make it a bit more continental

or something. Let's make it a little bit more exotic. went, let's just make it a bit more continental or something. Let's make it a little bit more exotic. No, it's footay. Footay. That's not bad. I mean, I would love it. You know what would be awesome is if you've got Cesar Pansky down 100% pat and he or she is like, nailed it, and then foot absolutely fires up.

You stupid cunt, it's foot. Yeah, sorry, Harry Foot, gumshoe detective. That's what he sounds like. What's Harry Foot do for a job? Harry Foot sounds like someone in a book. Like, what does Harry Foot do in a book? This is such a niche thing to bring up, but there's a meme that I got obsessed with recently

that in the bottom right corner of the meme it just says, this meme is brought to you by Feet Squad. I'm just obsessed with the Feet Squad. It made me laugh a lot. And there was a photo of the 1950s Joker. Just everything going on there was 100% in my wheelhouse of what I enjoy. Just bizarre. But, you know, maybe the old foot soldier, maybe he's part of, you know,

he could be in the Feet Squad. What if he made that meme, you know, him and all the other, him and all the other, like if they have a family gathering, would you call them the foots or would you call them the feet? Oh, yeah, multiple of foot. Multiple of foot. The feet. The feet are getting together.

Yeah, I like that. That's good stuff. The gumshoe detective has gone home from his office with the Venetian blinds for the weekend, met up with the rest of the feet. Oh, God. They must. There's no way. There's no way that his family have never brought that up,

referred to themselves as that. And if not, you know, the 0.1% of a chance that there is that they haven't, get it going, Harry. Next family gathering, get it going. Yeah, stop tailing that bombshell beauty on your case from the jealous husband and get back and talk to this family and get a little, you know, when you're playing around the peony next time in your 1930s get-together, bring up this little joke. Get in there and be like, it's like bloody platypus shoes in here

because it's full of foots. Oh, right. You know? Yeah, nice. I don't mind that. Have you ever, and if so, if that is a regular thing, have you ever updated it to go, let's just call ourselves the meters? What? The meters.

The meters? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so when they travel, they have to change. Yeah, right. So you think he's perhaps American? He could be. It certainly does sound like a very... And it's like his Australian cousins are the meters. Right.

Because feet is American measurement, isn't it? Yeah, well, it's imperial Yeah, feet is American measurement, isn't it? Yeah, well, it's imperial. No, this is imperial, isn't it? Metres and centimetres is imperial. Yeah. Or is it the other way around? I think we're metric, aren't we?

Metric. And they're imperial? Yes, right. That's the term. Yep. Fuck. Glad we sorted that out because that is exactly the thing that everyone was going to concentrate on this episode.

Those great moments where we go down a rabbit hole and then all of a sudden we've tricked ourselves into sounding like complete dumb cunts. Yep, yep. How does the alphabet go? Is it A, B, C, D or Z, X, W, F? Yeah. Oh, Ursula was really funny, but I don't care about that anymore.

You got imperially wrong, you fucking idiots. At Dumb Dumb Club, fuck you. You said it was 28 degrees on the day that you recorded the episode. No, I just went back and looked at the forecast for that day and it was 27, you fucking idiot. Yep. So Harry Meter. Harry Meter with an extra E on the end.

I hardly know it. Hmm. Is that – I really hope that – look, if he doesn't use this, if Harry – This is the best name we've ever had. This is almost going to overtake Jack, my tiny dick, off of me. Well, exactly with this point because this could be his – this might be a pick-up line of his. You want to come home and meet my Harry foot?

His Harry foot? Harry foot. That's not bad. Is that a term though? Well, if it's a foot long, then, you know. Yeah. I mean, I really feel like. It's not an official term.

You can't use it as a pick-up line if it's not a pre-existing phrase. Yes, you can. Because they're just going to be like, what? And then you have to go hairy foot. You know, like it's my hairy foot long dick. Yeah. My big dick has hair all over it. Well, you figured it out straight away.

I didn't have to explain it to you. I wouldn't say straight away. There were a couple of seconds where – and you were mouthing to me, hairy. I was mouthing putting a dick in my mouth and spitting out the hairs to help the mime along, yes. Actually, a dick being covered in hair. Yeah. Maybe not use it as a pick-up line in hindsight.

Yeah. But surely you'd just say, hey, how about you want to come home and, you know, chow down on the footlong? Oh, yeah. You know? Yeah. A bit like my mate Jared, you know? Oh, yeah.

He obviously said this pick-up line when he was 12, but yeah. Yeah, exactly. Thanks, Harry. Thanks, Harry. Harry Foot said this pick-up line when he was 12, but yeah. Yeah, exactly. Thanks, Harry. Thanks, Harry. Harry Foot. You know what? Also, thank you, but also you're welcome because I feel like we've absolutely changed your life here.

Yeah. I don't know. Look, as we've talked about. No, I'm not saying for the better. As we've talked about, a lot of these people have put up with stuff like that. We heard back from Brook Window the other week. Brook Window. Who I think we covered some terrain that had been covered before,

but certainly opened some new terrain. So I'm always proud of that. Someone's lived their life for 20, 30 years, copped everything they thought they were going to cop from their name, and then we come in, change the game. We should write up like a Hall of Fame of our favourite names for some of the years. I've got to say, this is a hot streak of weeks.

Brooke Window and Harry Foot, back to back. For me, these are easily in the top five, straight away. I don't know. To be honest, we've had a lot of, in my opinion, funny names towards the end of the Patreon read that I reckon are funnier than that. Really? Yeah.

I can't remember anything ever being as good as Brook Window. Hmm. We had some. Certainly none that sound as made up as that, as a name. Okay, look, I don't have the best memory, so I can't remember specifics, but I'm pretty sure we had some funny names. Anyway.

So, thanks, Harry. Name number three. All right. Well, if you liked Harry Foot, let's see if you like this next one. Hey, like you said, hot streak. Here we go. See what you make of this one. All right. What, if you liked Harry Foot, let's see if you like this next one. Hey, like you said, hot streak. Here we go. See what you make of this one. All right.

What do we got? Thank you to Patreon subscriber Hamish Stairs. Love it. Absolutely love it. New rule, and I know this might mean a dip in the money in the short term, only subscribe to the Patreon if your last name is an inanimate object. Yeah. No, but here's the thing.

I guess a foot is an inanimate. Here's the thing. It's not a noun. It's a verb. Oh, okay. S-T-A-R-E. Yeah. Well, I'm off it now.

Oh, you don't know, but this is even better. It's good. I like it. Yeah, but stairs are funny. Hamish stairs. Hamish stairs. Hamish Stairs That's better isn't it He's just looking at us

No he's a flight of stairs No no no Being a flight of stairs Is funnier than Looking at someone for a long time No I just I find that This is why the podcast works

Because we're so different The original odd couple Hamish Stairs Okay What if we How about having a fucking Okay. What if we'd agreed about... How about having a fucking blink, mate? What if we'd agreed about everything else in our lives up until this point and this was the one thing we couldn't agree on?

We were conjoined twins. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We just had to live together and had to share the same opinions. Always arguing. And this is the thing that literally broke us apart. Stares are funnier. Let's get in the fucking operating theatre and split us up. Let's use this guy's money to pay for the surgery.

Yeah. S-T-A-R-E. Hamish is doing a bit of staring at his pocket, and it's not as full as it used to be because it's now in our coffers. Yeah, and meanwhile, I'm staring at my bank account, and the number's just fucking skyrocketing. Nice. Thanks to this guy chipping in.

Thanks to this guy staring at his money and then chucking at us, and then Harry footing the bill. Yeah, and I tell you what, if this guy keeps chipping in, if Hamish keeps chipping in, pretty soon I'm going to be able to, you know, move into a better apartment that has a second level on it and how am I going to get up there using the stairs? Oh, right. Okay.

Fuck, what a long ride we went on there. I was like, what the fuck's going to happen at the end? It certainly was a long walk, wasn't it? Yeah, it was a long ride we went on there. I was like, what the fuck's going to happen at the end? It certainly was a long walk, wasn't it? Yeah, it was a long walk. Steve Incline. Yeah, and to get up there by foot, it was definitely hard. See, that's why stairs would have been so much better because they go hand in hand.

And then we got up there and really took a big scissor panski in the toilet. Yeah, right. Yeah. I couldn't remember the first name I was about to go. Get up there and have a big old sciss pansky in the toilet. Yeah, right. Yeah. I couldn't remember the first name I was about to go. Get up there and have a big old scissoring session in the master bedroom. Hamish Stairs.

That would be good if we had a week where like all of the names like connect in some way and then we get to the end and it's like a bad improv game. Sorry, an improv game where we just have to like, you know, work out a scenario where they all fit together. Right. You know, like those games. Well, maybe I'll put in a word, you know, with our new sponsorship,

maybe the unplanned title alternator, once there's a bit of money being thrown in the air coffers, maybe we can have a bit of a say in who gets read out one week and we can. Yeah, do that. I mean, there is a mod that you can get that I've seen online for the unplanned title alternator where it just lets you choose the names that you want. Oh, maybe we can use the money from a prize to make it a planned

title alternator. That we're still paying a lot of money for to just give us control over the names that we read. That we pumped into them to start with. Yes, yes. It's the perfect system. Yeah. It's amazing.

I mean, you know, there's an app for everything now. Yeah. Great. Well, thanks, Hamish. Thanks, Hamish. All right. Sorry. Did we talk about how long we're going to do this for?

No, we didn't. But I'm having a big old Hamish at the timer right now. Right. How much longer have we got? Probably, I don't know. It's gone for a little while so far. Yep. Let's say that.

So we've got room for one more or three more. We did a little mini episode of Law and Order up the top of this. Yeah. We've got room for one or three more, you reckon? Fuck, we never officially came out of your crime story. Do you want to give us the law and order noise just to summon that it's over? Give us the name of everyone involved in the story

and where they live? I was doing a bit of peeping over the shoulder to try and see if I could see any names or anything. Oh, my God. Couldn't. You are a vigilante. Yeah, couldn't get any details Asked if I could be

Kept abreast of the situation No chance That's a big negative there No chance Yeah You need your own Commissioner Gordon in there Yeah

Yeah I need an insider Yeah We have got police That listen to the show I know yeah If you can do some digging for us It is a great It's a great Law and order episode where it's like you see at the start

this couple and it's like awful and you think, oh, this is what the story is going to be about. And then it just ends up ultimately being about the police having to keep the guy who gave the statement away from the cop shop. So you're breaking in trying to go into the filing cabinet. Yeah, yeah. Look, you know, odd situation,

but you know, just to be clear, we're not making fun of what was happening in the story because it was fucking rotten. But yeah.

It's just like, dun dun, and then the next shot is just like you trolling this guy on Facebook. Yeah. Yeah, you stupid cunt.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Ben Rosenstreich. Rosenstreich. Yeah. Rosenstreich. Rosenstreich? Yeah. Rosenstreich. R-O-S-E-N-S-T-R-E-I-C-H. Okay.

Rosenstreich? That's it, yeah. I thought it was going to be spelt like bowling. No. Not like a certain third one. What? This is the fourth one? No, no, no. Never mind. No. Not like a certain, you know. What? Third one. What? Third what? This is the fourth name we've read?

No, no, no, no. Never mind. Okay. I'll ask you after the show. I feel less comfortable talking about this than I did about the assault that you witnessed. Rose and Strike. Okay. There's a lot going on there.

I mean, that's kind of two names for you. There's a lot of bang for your buck in that surname. And it really leads you down the garden path because you really feel like Rosen, you feel like you know what's coming next. Strike isn't what I would predict. Yeah, I'll tell you what, doing this segment every week, it's certainly opened my eyes to a lot of surnames I've never heard of before. Yeah.

I think we've said this before, but it's sort of like we're doing the census here. Yeah. You know, we learn a lot about people in the following week because they get onto Facebook and they go no one in my life has ever called me that. Yep. A lot of people would say this is sort of like as boring as people reading out names out of the phone booth. Not us. We wouldn't say that.

I wouldn't say it's as good as that. Yeah. Yeah. No, this adds. What a horrible thing to say about reading names out of the phone book. Fuck, we're good at this. Ben Rosenstreich. This is our job.

Yeah, these people are paying us to do this. We paid tax on this. It's always a great, yeah. It's like I said in that story before at the cop shop, what do you do for a living? It's like I'm not going to mention the word podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a writer.

One of my favourite podcasts, which is like I think one of the highest paid ones on Patreon, I listened to an episode the other week where they were literally just doing the crossword for an hour on the pod. And then they start pissing themselves halfway through about how much money they make from doing it and how they are just absolutely taking the mickey. What a life. Yeah.

This is like the end of civilization, don't you think? Yeah. How can it get much worse than this? I've got no doubt of that. Ben Rosenstreich. Well, thank you. Thanks, Ben Rosenstreich. Thanks, Rosie.

Other Rosie. Yeah. Not Adam Rosenbachs, but Ben Rosenstreich. Rosenstreich. Do you think you could get on with someone who's got, like, the similar, like, start of the surname to you? Do you know what I mean? Like, if, say, our friend Adam Rosenbach met our new friend Ben Rosenstreich,

do you reckon that would be enough for them to kind of like, you know, get on? He'd be like, oh, well, you know, this is almost a family member. Like a half family member. Our friend that's been on the show many times, Carl Woodbury. Yes. I find it quite weird when he calls me Carl. Yes, yes, yes.

I don't call him Carl. Yeah. Yeah. I find that a weird thing he calls me Carl. Yes, yes, yes. I don't call him Carl. Yeah. Yeah. I find that a weird thing to say to someone else. Oh, you mean – well, I mean, that's very Australian and very male, just using people's surnames to begin with. Yeah, yeah, totally. But he says it to me and I find it weird.

You find it weird hearing – what do you mean? The fact that he's saying his own name? Yes. Yeah, okay. Right, right, right, right. That's strange. Yeah. So, yeah.

What I'm saying is I'm fucking glad this guy's not called Carl Rosenstreich. But so if you met someone whose name was Dave Chandring. Chandring. Dave Chandring. Yes. Would you be like, all right. No. I reckon I could make inroads with this guy. No. Okay. No, not, Chan Ring. Chan Ring. Dave Chan Ring. Yes. Would you be like, all right. No. I reckon I could make inroads with this guy.

No. Okay. No, not enough. Okay. If I met a guy called, with his last name Chandler, with a different first name, I'd be interested. Really? Okay. Yeah.

I made friends with a lot of people on Facebook that were called Carl Chandler. Yeah. I friended them all. Yeah. And then I got bored and I unfriended them all. And then they tried to friend me all back. Yeah, yeah. Like, what happened?

Like, nothing. I just thought it was funny to start with and now I don't. What happened? You should send them – if you sent them things where you'd, like, legally changed your name. Yeah. Sorry, it's not interesting to me anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Thanks, Ben. Thanks, Ben. All right. We've got to wrap this up. Yeah. Let's just do five this way. I've got to go to the police and make a statement. Sorry?

About the crimes against comedy that I've committed here today. Okay. All right. Well, I've hit the button. Number five, I believe, this week is – oh, that's interesting. Fuck. Hang on. Okay.

Look, I guess we can talk about this later. What's going on? You seem a bit disturbed. Yeah. Well, like I said, look, I'll just get the name out and then we can talk about it. It won't make a lot of sense right at the moment. Yeah, sure, sure, sure. Right.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber Constable Comedy. Constable Comedy. Yeah. Okay. So this is the – when did this come through? This was very recent. Very recent. Very recent.

Right. Yeah. And how much are they subscribing? $69. $69. Yeah, but – That is grouse. Right. Yeah. And how much are they subscribing? $69. $69. Yeah, but. That is grouse. Yes, that's what it says here.

Because for a second I thought they were subscribing like $69 gross per month and I looked at it again and it said grouse. That is grouse. Yeah, that is sick. I mean, I'm glad that they're as happy about this as we are. We have the same response. It's rare that a person has the same response to money leaving their account as someone else does to seeing it come into their account.

And I believe it might be the first time – I mean, look, this could be coming from anyone. This could be completely random. But if this is who I think it is, this is the first time we've picked up a listener upon making a statement for a horrible crime. Yeah. But you were saying you didn't want to say that you were a podcaster when you were in at the cop shop. So how do you think she –

Oh, I didn't mention I was a podcaster. But when I left, I said, can you keep me abreast of the situation? This has been a really horrible event. Me saying it made me feel really ill and I didn't sleep very well that night. Anyway, listen to the Little Dumb Dumb Club podcast. Right. And I wrote it in the police toilets as I left. You took a shit after getting the statement.

Yeah. Treat yourself. You know, you've done your civic duty. Yeah, I thought, well, it'll be clean. It'll be safe, certainly. That's true. Yeah. I thought you were going to say, look, any follow-up details?

I'm one of these weirdos who doesn't have a mobile phone. I don't have an email address. Pretty much the only way to reach me is through patreon.com slash little dump. Just get on there, put some money in, and then that comes through into an email address that I monitor but don't have direct access to. Yes. You leave a message there when you support $69 a month.

Yep. Those are the only ones that I happen to see. Yeah. That's a way that you can follow up with me if there is any other things about this case that you need help with. Yeah. Or, you know, you can do all of that or just simply, you know, come along to the live show in Melbourne, October 27.

We can do a live podcast and just hop up on stage and tell us about it or something like that. Probably a few outstanding warrants in the crowd so you can make a real night of it. And stage. And venue. Wow, who was that weird voice that popped in at the end there and said that last little bit?

I don't know. It certainly didn't sound like either of us. I know. You know who that was? You know who that could have been? It could have been Harry Foot. Well, there is a third host of this show that's very rarely on mic that we don't talk about.

So every now and then if you hear a weird voice or if you hear an objectionable opinion that sort of sounds like the sort of thing that neither of us would say, you know, maybe that's probably who that is. How is Dilwark Jones, the one-year-old baby? Oh, the one-year-old baby who lives next door to me. Yeah. He's pretty good.

I think it's school holidays at the moment. So he's loving that.-old baby who lives next door to me. He's pretty good. I think it's school holidays at the moment. So he's loving that. I've talked about how he's at school. He's very advanced. I was going to say, he said school holidays at the age of one. Wow. It's a big get. Yeah.

Well, I mean, yeah. So he's, you know, he's on school. He's a one-year-old baby. So he's on school holidays. Like he's not at school at the moment. Yeah, but, you know, I'm not on NASA holidays because I don't work at NASA. Yeah, but you are. You're not at NASA at the moment. Yeah, but, you know, I'm not on NASA holidays because I don't work at NASA. Yeah, but you are. You're not at NASA at the moment.

You're on holidays from NASA. I think holidays implies that you have been there or you're going back to there. Well, you know, it's just up for interpretation, I think. Okay, no further questions. Like stairs and stairs. So what's Dilrub Jones' one-year-old baby that lives next door to you? What's he doing in his school holidays? Do you have to take him on any outings?

He got a cat the other day. Oh, did he? Yeah, he actually got a cat. And what's the name of the cat, can I ask? Nutmeg. Nutmeg. All right. Yeah.

Well, it's not a bad name with not much lead time, I guess. Well, he was put on the spot. He had to name it instantly. Did he? He thought, what would be a funny name for it that kind of relates to other stuff in his life? Right. You know, a bit of a running... It's a running gag with him and his friends or something like that.

Okay. I was expecting there to be a slightly longer name with more description maybe within the name or something. I don't know why I would have thought that, but, you know... What do you mean? Like, what do you mean? Like, you know... Longer name? Like something like, you know, Nutmeg Jones, the six-week-old cat that lives with Dilrub Jones.

Well, that's implied. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. I guess. I assumed everyone just fills in the blanks in their head. I just, some people. This has already gone on so long, I just wanted to kind of try and save time wherever we could.

Sure. But yes, the full name on the cat. I know that that's what we're always obsessed with in here, like things going too long and save time wherever we could. But yes, the full name on the cat. I know that's what we're always obsessed with in here, like things going too long and having to cut them back. On the little name tag around its collar, it says Nutmeg Jones, the eight-week-old cat that lives with Dilruch Jones, the one-year-old baby that lives next door to me.

Right, okay. That'll probably need to be changed in about a week, I'd say. But anyway, yeah. Well. Do you always find that a bit... Maybe it's like a cartoon where it's just, you know... Oh, like The Simpsons. Yeah. Yeah.

Right. Do you always find that a bit presumptuous when people say, I presume that their pets have the same surnames as them? Yes. Yes. Yeah. It's weird bringing the cat into the family. Yeah.

So you don't use Crunchy Chandler? No. I haven't. You'd have come up with a last name for it then. I haven't had need to. Yeah, maybe I should. Yeah. Maybe I should.

Should I find out the name of the breeder? Yes. And then attach their name to the cat? You'd want to make sure it's good though. Yeah. Well, I think also after the events of the last couple of weeks, you might need to put Crunchy into witness protection. Yeah. That's also fair. You might need to change her name to Sn cat? You'd want to make sure it's good though. Yeah. Well I think also after the events of the last couple of weeks you might need to put Crunchy into witness protection. Yeah. Might need to change her name to Snickers.

Yeah that's fair. Fuck. Bring her around here. A safe house. Yeah. Okay. Well thanks Constable. Thanks Constable Comedy and thanks everyone who supports the show on Patreon. Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub. You can get a heap

of bonus rewards and also our eternal gratitude because it really does make a huge difference to us and our lives to have people want to support the show. Yeah, as in it makes us feel like we can justify this time to do this fucking bullshit instead of getting a proper job.

Yeah, LittleDumbDumbClub.com for tickets to October the 21st in Brisbane. That is coming up very shortly. Oh, and we didn't say it at the start, but after the live podcast, we're doing a little extra bonus something for all the ticket holders. It's going to be a lot of fun. Here's the thing. It's a very limited thing we're going to be doing, so not everyone.

So people that don't want to go don't have to go, but it will be a first in best dressed affair. Yeah, but it does mean that you are getting super bang for your buck out of that ticket. I think it will end up being the most packed thing we've ever done under one ticket. So certainly lots of content there for you. It's going to be heaps of fun.

Our guests are awesome, so come check that out. October the 27th in Melbourne and then November the 18th in Perth. Can't wait to see all you guys out there. We'll see you next week. And until then, take care. See you next time. See you, mates.