The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 429 - Wil Anderson & Cameron James

Episode Date: December 25, 2018

This week we welcome our biggest celebrity Patron, WIL ANDERSON plus our old buddy CAMERON JAMES! We start strong with some great gear about hardcover books, then we dive into some brand new, unheard Maryborough Tales! PLUS Tommy's parents went to Thailand and Karl (eventually) has a new list!  Don't forget, we have a heap of live shows coming up: CANBERRA! We're back for one night only. March 23, 5pm. MELBOURNE! We're doing another month of huge shows at the Comedy Festival. Saturday March 30, April 6, April 13 & April 20, 4:30pm. We're also doing an extra show: Late Night Dum Dum. Friday April 5, 11:55pm. For tickets, merchandise, links to our Patreon and heaps of other stuff, head to our website: littledumdumclub.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Will Anderson and Cam James. First of all though, we've got to let you know about a couple of things that we have coming up. Some live shows for 2019. March the 23rd we are in Canberra and then for four weeks in a row we are in Melbourne. Saturdays 4.30pm at the European Beer Cafe. March 30, April 6, 13 and 20. You can get a super pass to all of those shows, which is going to save you a fair chunk of money. And we also have another little date to announce coming up soon, which we will get to at the back end of the episode.

Yes, plus we've got the Coastal Million International Podcast Festival coming up in June. So this is a crucial time to go and get your accommodation at the beautiful Ozo Choeing Resort. But yes, we will be back at the end of the episode with another edition of Talking Dum Dum. But until then, enjoy this great new episode with Will Anderson and Cam James. Hey, mates.

Welcome once again into the little Dum Dum Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. And with me as always, the other half of the show, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. Huge one today. Let's get our guests into the mix. Joining us today on the show, Cam James and Will Anderson.

Yay! Yes. Awesome. I got top billing. Yeah, exactly. This must be a new Patreon tier because we don't usually invite Patreon subscribers on as a guest. But I think this is the first time we've done it. And Cam, it's good you're supporting this podcast.

I can barely afford it. Five bucks a month. It's absolutely destroying me. I think I actually subscribe at $10. I think it's $10 a month. Oh, is it? Thank you. I think I might be a $10 a month subscriber.

What do you get for that $10? Well, actually, there's a lot of good content the Little Dumb Dumb Club provide for their Patreon fans. There's a monthly magazine. Don't we do this at the end of the episode? They often will record another podcast. Bonus episodes. Bonus episodes.

That's also available. So it's all very good except that I changed my email address and I haven't gone around and changed it on my Patreon so none of that stuff actually gets sent to me

so Carl just sends it to me on Facebook yeah yeah there's like three or four people that it always bounces back to and one of them's

will at willanderson.com I'm like why the fuck do I have to do this one by hand? Yeah, and it's such a weird power move because it's like, cool that he supports us, but this motherfucker gave us a fake email address. Does he like us or not?

Can't work this out. I've intentionally spelt it with two L's. Yeah, Will Alderson. What? That is easily the worst part of the month is sending out the Patreon content and then just all these emails bouncing back from people who have spelt their name wrong in their email address on Patreon a year ago and never updated it.

Also, I'm the one forwarding on, so I'm being taunted by people. I go, can you please change your email address? Because you've put it in wrong. You've spelt your own name wrong, so it keeps bouncing back to me. So can you change it so I can send it on? And they're like, why would I when you're just going to keep sending it to me anyway it's so funny the amount of admin you have to do oh man for your fans yeah yeah yeah chasing people up seriously rebecca yeah add an extra c to your name it's so hard it is pretty good sending it out and then immediately

you'll get around 10 like automatic out of-office auto-replies back. And it's like, these people don't even want us to have their personal email. Just sending us to their business account. I mean, I would like to think that at least some of those people have changed employment, so they've moved on. Some of those people perhaps don't even listen to the podcast anymore and forget what that reoccurring charge on their credit card is. that's fine and some of them and i mean this just through the law of averages like one or two of them are probably dead oh yeah and so now you are much like an

australian bank you are charging people after they've died so who's coming out of the will who's inheriting the debt their children are paying this shit we have talked about that how we want to get a contract going where it's like family members It's coming out of the will. Who's inheriting the debt? Their children are paying the shit off. We have talked about that, how we want to get a contract going where it's like family members do have to keep the subscriptions going and someone passes away. And they have to listen as well every week. Well, I'd like it to be in that sort of meeting they have when they divide sort of the assets at the end of it.

Just that idea of going, now, look, there is one thing that Grandad clearly loved. He had his subscriptions for his stories. And he was 98 when he passed, and he's still waiting for his name to be read out. So if we can just keep going until... We don't really know what this money's for, but it's $69 a month.

And we just don't want that. We miss granddad comedy so much. To my eldest child, I leave the little dum-dum club. To my middle child, toe-fop. What a ridiculous generation. I can't wait to leave the Zoom recorder to my grandchildren who will when I pass on. In that will, it's like like you know when someone passes away

and they leave everything to their cat and then there's just that that assumed responsibility that you're looking after the cat when most of the time they've just fucking chucked the cat out or whatever it is that's what it's like so don't worry on your deathbed it's going to the little i like you know how people there's that thing where people sometimes have like video wills that they've recorded before they passed on i like the idea where are you with that well why hasn't that been the name of your show last will and testament yeah i love that you are coming to me like i've never thought of i've been naming my shows these things for 22 years and every arsehole in the world suggests every single one to me and yet you've wandered in as if I've never stumbled over

last will and testament. I reckon that's a new one. I reckon that's new. That's brand new. I'm saving it towards the end. I've got critically will, like I would have thought, was an end, a last will and testament. There's a few that kind of lend themselves to end of life sort of scenarios.

Fuck, marry marry will will probably never get off the table damn that's great i've always thought that that would be a good one and wilf like will i'd like to oh yeah oh and you don't want to do that one well no i'm not saying i don't want to i'm just saying that um you know how i have like a career and you guys are still doing this sometimes you have to be the deal. On Willoway, yes. You're aware? What do you mean we don't have a career? You pay our salary. Well, yes, exactly.

One of the charities that I support. Oh, we're taxed right off for you. The fact that I give to you guys means I can just walk past the chuggers who are collecting for dairy streams. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Give me money. Sorry, big issue, but there's a bigger issue, and that's us fitting McDonald's.

I always do think that every year. Does this magazine come out monthly as part of my Patreon subscription? I'm sorry, Big Issue. You don't have to get on board with the podcast. If this homeless guy on the corner, will you read my name out? No. No, I'm not donating. I do think that every year when Comedy Festival season rolls around,

I get very excited to see what the name of your show is because I always think, like, I reckon surely he's done. He's out of them. No, I've got, like, I reckon he's, surely he's done. He's out of them. Nah, I've got like about another 40 or 50 on the list. And the main reason for that is that anytime somebody suggests one, I will write it down. Or if a new movie comes out,

or if a new phrase seems to be catching on a bit. So like any movie that has the word will in the title, I kind of write it success a little harder than other people. Like, you know, like I was always like, there will be blood. Is that big enough reference that you can do around that? So I always write it quite hard.

That's what I was going to say. Is there any ones that you've gone, yes, but then just time has gone on and it's like, no, I can't do that. Is there any Rubik's Cube of will puns? Goodwill hunting. Probably, yeah. No, I might have done. I did goodwill.

I didn't do goodwill hunting. Van Wilder, party leader. It... I did Goodwill. I didn't do Goodwill hunting. Van Wilder, Party Leos. It's just spelt exactly the same way. Everyone's furious at you. They're like, this cunt's been having us on for years. Look, I've been pleasantly surprised to see Hillsong go international because I've been sitting on Willsong for a while and I thought, when I can start to tour it overseas

I'm pretty happy with that. The Triumph of the Will? Yeah, it's a bit edgy isn't it? Yeah, it's pretty edgy. I don't know what it is. You should read this thing called History.

I'll look it up. I'll look it up. It's the Nazi propaganda. I just always thought Not really that into it to be honest so it's probably why I don't know. Oh yeah, you're very woke. I've never even heard of... Not really that into it to be honest so it's probably why I don't know.

Oh yeah, you're very woke. I've never even heard of that. Yeah, I'm very woke. I'm not into the Nazis. Never even heard of Nazis. What a real white knight I am.

I don't see Nazism. Actually, white knight is actually a term they use as well. It's one of the positions I believe in the organisation. Yeah, I thought certainly with the Hitler haircut I was rocking for organisation Yeah I thought

Certainly with the Hitler haircut I was rocking for a while I thought Triumph of the Will Was probably not a good Right Title for a show But Oh yeah that was the problem

The haircut Yeah At the time I just thought One might be fine Right But two combined Yeah

Suddenly It's like you're starting a movement No but the reason I have so many And this is what A former guest on this show And now of course, National Channel 7 wacky weatherman, Sam Mack. Yes, yes.

Used to work on Limo, with Limo and I on the radio show that we had. And one day, like when Sam was like, you know, because he's kind of, he was, Sam started as like our panel operator, but he was like so funny and would write stuff and throw in stuff and just kind of emerged out of that role to being like a real you know wrote all this really awesome stuff he's very keen

yeah right so one day when i didn't have much for him to do i said okay you just sit down and come up with as many show titles for me as possible and he came back with a list of like so the reason i have so many is mostly because of sunrises wacky weatherman, Sam Mack. Sam Mack. That's pretty awesome. And that's what he does when he doesn't have anything to do. They just sit him there and he just does all degrees for a couple of afternoons. He writes every degree? He wrote 31 degree.

Did he come up with that? Yeah, that's his. That's one of my favourite degrees. I reckon that's the best temperature. That's my favourite temperature. Really? Yeah. 31s, you've cracked over into the 30s, but it's not too intense. Right.

Okay. What? When I was growing up. Nothing, man. No, I like the idea of the ideal temperature because when I was growing up in Gippsland, I remember we got this shopping centre. It was the first time we ever got like a big shopping centre. And it was called Gippsland Shopping Centre Sale.

They went pretty basic with it. Gippsland Shopping Centre Sale. Yeah. Sale basic with that. Gippsland Shopping Centre Sale. Yeah. Sale was in the name of the shop. Sale. But sale's the name of a town, so that's confusing. So it was in sale. So it was actually the sale shopping centre.

Yeah. But they called it Gippsland Shopping Centre Sale. Right. Right? Yep. So sale is also the name of something that happens in shops. Yes. It also gets very confusing.

Yeah. Yeah. And often the building has sale on it and also the shops inside have the word sale on it. Like when you drive into that town, you see a big sign that says sale. It's like, fuck, I'm in for some bargain. There's a whole town full of fucking saving 10 bucks on things. I would like to think though, if you live in the town of sale, you're that used to it

that you're not getting tricked by that. You know what I mean? Like if you've lived there your whole life, you're driving down the street one Sale, you're that used to it that you're not getting tricked by that. You know what I mean? Like if you've lived there your whole life, you're driving down the street one day, you're like, wow, a sale in this shop. If it's like still happening to you when you've lived there for your entire life. It is kind of exciting though, because when you're from a small place like that, like it's funny to see the name of your place. So you would go to Melbourne or you would go to some like foreign city and that word

is everywhere. So that would be like, you know, going into like Bangkok and just seeing like Maryborough written on the front of a shop. I agree. You know what? I've literally thought that, you know, when you go like in the city, you'll go past a department store and there'll be like mannequins in there with like a red starburst that says sale in it.

It's like they could buy that and take it home and use it as merch in sale. In sale. Yeah. I feel like we've had this discussion on the pod before. Isn't that depressing? How good is it when you see your city name somewhere else? I'm sure we haven't done it about the town sale. We've got to end the pod.

That would be extraordinary if we're talking about the town sales. Someone will let us know. I remember their advertisement, and this is why I remember the specific temperature, because their advertisement was this. It said, come down to Gippsland Shopping Centre sale, where it's always 21 degrees and fine. I was like, so literally they led with that we have air conditioning.

But somebody had also decided that 21 degrees was fine. Right, right. 21's pretty good. Not perfect. Not perfect. Fine. Okay, yeah, right. Just okay.

Yeah. 21 degrees and could be better. But fine is also about the best condition you can get a book or a magazine in, isn't it? Fine. Like in book collecting. Fine. Fine condition. Fine condition. That's true. collecting. Fine. Fine condition.

That's true. Or the fine arts. What about mint condition? Yeah, mint is fine. It's always 21 degrees and mint. I fucked you all up. Yeah. Fucked you all up big time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Look, I would rather go to that shopping centre now. It's always 21 degrees and mint. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And fucking munt. Also, I will say that classifying books has a weird system, doesn't it? Softback, hardback, fine, mint. Yeah, yeah.

That's how I describe babes as well. Hardback. Hardback. A lot less hardback babes. I prefer a soft soft cover one I can bend to be honest yeah

yeah just I like a bit of wear on that spine if you know what I mean yeah you hate a hard cover we've talked about that before

yeah not into it I don't know like we've evolved the world's evolved why do we need hard covers exactly yeah I'd like to borrow one

it is funny that the hard cover is like the default. Like they all come out initially in hardcover. Totally. And then that's the like, all right, guys, it's been out in the market for a while now. Time for a little rebrand. We're bringing out the softcover version. Yeah, I agree.

Why do you have to wait for that? Yeah. That's so dumb. That should be the first one. No one desperately wants a hardcover in this day and age, do they? Hardcover coffee table book, maybe. But not like a Grisham. Not a novel.

Not getting a hardcover. Let's go back to Dan Brown. Yeah, what's the most interesting shit we've talked about on this podcast? The name of a town. Perfect temperature and hardcover versus softcover. Fuck me. When we put out these episodes, we always have a few details of what we talk about in it

and so far we don't have one that we should be writing down. I've got my work cut out for me this week. Well, this is also like the problem is because I won't listen to this episode because I don't like to listen to things that I'm on and I hate when I appear on one of my favourite podcasts because then that week you don't have a podcast to listen to because you're like I can't listen to that so that's why I'm intentionally making this one shit

I don't want the rest of your audience I can send you an edit of it where I've just muted your microphone if you want because you're a fellow small town grower-upper up and a lot of time listeners are like saying Well, yes, because you're a fellow small town grower-upperer. Yes. And a lot of time listeners are like saying to me,

oh, you should tell more stories about Maribor and stuff like that, where I'm from. But I'm always like, fuck, I think I've gone through all the stories I've got of like crazy people in Maribor. And then I just – I've started to pick up on a few old ones that Tommy desperately wanted me to tell. Yeah, every now and then a rare one

will sneak past me where you'll be telling someone else and I'll be there and I'll go oh you've never told that one before that should be in the catalogue

yeah I don't think I've ever asked you did you have the same sort of ratio of like weirdos where you grew up or yes absolutely

like I mean in fact many of the people that you've talked about i was like maybe they just moved from like so right yeah like um there's i mean there's there's some that i remember really well there was a guy called um i remember the first asian guy whoever came to yeah um you know because it was i'm gonnaoh. I'm going to do the... Don't do the eyes. Hang on, he's just reaching for a rice patty hat, popping it on his head.

I'm going to stop him from telling the story. I'm just going to bang a gong. Oh, fuck. Which was his name. A gong was the last name. Well, we're actually still Facebook friends. We haven't talked for years, but like just reconnected on Facebook years ago and then just like one of those people that you kind of have there go, I knew you when I was young.

I occasionally like when something pops up in my feed that I can kind of remember that we went to school together. Right. But his name was Wayne Wong. So you weren weren't like literally so the most stereotypical the only asian person we'd ever met was like local chinese you know takeaway that it was like one in every town yeah that was the asian family just called chinese restaurant yeah totally yeah yeah and so um better when it's just asian no, yeah, totally. I love that. Asian restaurant.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so Wayne Wong came to school and it must have been year seven or year eight though. So like, you know, we're starting to get some sort of awareness of what it's like to be another human being at that age. And he'd obviously been given either clothes that they thought he was going to grow into or like somebody else or that the sizes were different between. Oh, man.

So essentially he's like, you know, like a kid going to his granddad's funeral and someone's dressed him in this oversized sort of school uniform. And so for two days he just doesn't talk to anybody. He just like walks around in his oversized clothes and stuff. And we all assume because like we're from the country and we're just naive and idiots that he doesn't speak english right like we will later find out in this story that he speaks perfect english but we just assume because he's asian and we've never met an asian person and he's not talking to us that he doesn't speak english so we're three days in it's english class and um

the teacher basically calls on him and says you know wayne you're a new student why don't you come up the front of the class and tell everybody a little bit about about yourself and you could actually feel it i remember i remember it being the first moment there i was like our kids kind of do have empathy because it wasn't a sense in that room of everybody going haha this will be hilarious there was a real sense in that room of everybody going, ha-ha, this will be hilarious. There was a real sense in that room of like, oh, no. No, no, you shouldn't. Look at him. Look at his fucking clothes.

He can't speak English. Look at him. He looks ridiculous. Don't make him. Like whatever he says now, like he will be bullied about and mocked about forever. And you could tell even amongst the kids. I love the kids are like, don't make us bully him.

No, no, no. You don't have to. I would have been in the class with a hard-on ride this morning. That is such a great feeling, feeling bad about something that you know you're going to do in the future. That's the thing, right? The kids, we're all already seeing ourselves going, well, whatever you say right now, this is your name forever. you're like the werewolf seeing the full moon come out go oh no

at the very least send little carl out of the room while he does it so he gets up the front and like it feels like to me like you know that that opening scene from eight mile well you know like vomit on his you know sweater style and like a bit of sweat like xiaomin in his giant sweater yeah right oh man i love being in year seven. This rules. So he gets up there and he literally, so she goes, just tell us a little bit about yourself. And I, like, literally we were right because I've remembered this forever, but he says, my name is Wayne Wong and I come from Hong Kong.

And if you stick around You can hear my song And then just raps Like a little story of his life Wow That is amazing Oh my god To this day Probably the coolest thing

That ever happened Fuck I'm going to friend Wayne Wong on Facebook now Yeah So the oversized clothes Were like a Like a wrap thing

Yeah Like baggy Like Affectation kind of thing There was a Fubu top in In hindsight like a wrap thing like baggy like affectation kind of thing there was a FUBU top in hindsight

for them by them wow fuck that's awesome that's really cool we had a I don't know

if I've told this on the podcast before but if I have it would have been right at the start so I feel like I'm allowed to but we had a Chinese

one Chinese family in Mirabar and they ran they ran Peach Village, the Chinese, the oriental restaurant in town, which is the only place you would go if you wanted to pretend to be a grown-up. It was like a rite of passage when you're like 16.

You're allowed to go, like everyone would go out with their friends or whatever and be at a proper restaurant. Yeah. And the kid, there was two kids and they ended up hanging out with friends of mine and his nickname ended up being Tusi. His nickname was Tusi because he would go around and tell everyone how hard he would party. And we're like, oh, okay. Right, well, why is your nickname Tusi?

And he's like, because my friend here, he parties the most. But I'm second. Everyone's like, okay, Toosie. Number two, good post. Second biggest party in Maribor. I love small town dudes that brag about how much they party. That's the best. But don't even brag.

He's number two. They're number two. But wasn't it like Hertz or one of those car companies had the slogan, we're number two, but we try harder. I bet he was like, I'm number two, but I party harder. I'm number two, but I green out earlier. Which would technically make you number one, though. That's how hard I party.

Numbers wise of what I consume, I'm second best, but I'm out later. You know, it's a real. What's the line we're talking about? You know, like when you're younger, it's like cool to talk about like how hard you go and, you know, how hard you party. What's the age where it crosses over to just like, this is pathetic? We're in comedy, so I don't think there's a line yet. Yeah, okay. I think it's always cool.

Interesting. I don't think there's a line yet. Yeah, okay. I think it's always cool. Interesting. I was out at a work Christmas party a couple of weeks ago and I was with one of the editors on the feed who's like maybe 50 and he did some caps and was so high at like four in the morning just showing me photos of his wife on his phone.

Great. Just going like, look how hot my wife is. I love that. And I was just going like, she's fucking wife is and I was just going like she's fucking hot man like I was loving it was there any chance that was sort of like I'm going to go to this party I know you've always had a thing for cam

oh maybe you just want to tee up a freeway I wonder how many caps away I was from fucking that guy's wife that's what you got left at 50 I guess in that position you're married married, you're 50. I might get a younger guy to come in and bang my wife a little bit. Can't wait till I get to that point. They really enjoyed Be Your Own Boss.

Maybe you'll wear one of his costumes. He'll put the wig on or something. Maybe they started with the idea that they'd get Becky but they're like we can probably get yeah yeah he's probably he'll probably do it

she's probably busy well what I was going to say this is this is like one of the Mirabar stories I had left I've got two now

in hindsight now I've got two but there was a guy we had you know we had the Chinese we had the Chinese restaurant we had the oriental restaurant

Peach Village still there we had a weirdly enough we had the Chinese restaurant. We had the Oriental restaurant, Peach Village. Still there. We had a – weirdly enough, we had a pizza place called Milan Pizza, which was not named after our friend Milan. You didn't have to do shots of Capriccio, so nonstop. But it did deliveries. And the guy that did deliveries, he was like this weird-looking guy. And so his name was Malcolm. And he once

got called out and he was the only guy that did deliveries in Maribor. It was a weird thing to get a pizza delivered, right? So the Maribor football club ordered like a heap of pizzas and then they got delivery. he turned up and they all just jumped him and took all his clothes off and chucked him in the main drain of meribor like a huge drain and then chucked all the pizzas at him in the main drain and they're like great the perfect crime i mean i think certainly they've got the crime bit right. Yeah, yeah. I'm sure it's the perfect crime. It sounds like an NPR podcast plot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not crime.

In a town of 7,000 people, it's like, and it's the main football club and the one delivery guy in town. It's like, no, we figured this one out pretty quickly. But I was telling a friend of mine, like this is the sort of town that Marabara is. I was telling a friend of mine that story and going, remember when this happened? And, you know, Malcolm, you know, remember Malcolm?

And they were like, Malcolm? Who's that? And I was like, Malcolm, you know, the delivery driver of Milan Pizza. And he's like, oh, is that his name? We all had another nickname for him. We called him Woggy Woggy. That's Maribor. The one Italian family in town

Oh, so it's because of the family So it's like the surname is Woggy because of the family But then that's his first name as well In that guy's brain maybe Yeah That wasn't in actuality Having it be a double barrel one is great Yeah

But we had I mean, it does kind of diffuse it a little Do you know what I mean? Like it's of diffuse it a little. Do you know what I mean? Like it's a bit more lovable. Like wog is pretty, I mean, internationally that's a really terrible word. It's been made hilarious by Nick Gianopoulos. I think we're all fine with it.

But woggy woggy is kind of like. It's cute. It sounds like a Muppet. Exactly. A really inappropriate Muppet from the 1950s. Eat woggy woggy and Golly Woggy. The Golly and Woggy show. You guys remember it, right?

It was actually a normal puppet, but you did blackface. You could see the white felt underneath. My parents always had shops in Maribor. We always knew everyone in all the other shops and stuff like that. They owned the building of a shop and then moved out of that shop started another shop and someone came in rented that shop and uh started their own business and when I was a kid uh all of a sudden they went back into that shop and I never really understood why and they took over this business um that someone else had already started up and I didn't understand why. And then later on I'd heard the story that –

so this new guy started up a health food store in this shop, in this empty shop that my mum and dad owned. Then they had to go over and take over this health food shop that they had no idea what anything was about or anything. And I didn't know why they did that. It was because this guy all of a sudden just left town like overnight and then I heard later that the official story was he was up a ladder and then fell down on a broomstick and it went up his ass and then he had to leave town after that's all the story. No, no, no. That's local gossip, man.

Yeah, I know, I know. Front page of the paper. Health freak gets run out of town. Health freak bummed by brooms. Run out of town. Where's your quinoa

now, fuckhead? They probably threw him down the main drain and threw a pizza at him. Yeah, but threw alfalfa at him instead of pizza. Yeah, what's a fucking bloke doing fucking sweeping up anyway, mate?

Why has a bloke got a fucking broom in Maryborough, mate? Yeah, his nickname. It's fucking bullshit, mate. Oh, Broomy McBroom over there. With a fucking Harry Potter with a fucking broom stick up his arse. Should have stuck a fucking... That's your Quidditch now. Fucking Harry.

Should have stuck a chop up your arse, mate. Get some meat into you. His nickname's Sweepy Sweepy. Fuck. Just think about the Woggy Woggy thing. Like, it's so... Like, just analysing it, it's like... Throwing the pizzas at him, it's like, that's pretty bad.

And the nickname is pretty bad. But, like, the two of them together is just horrific, like throwing pizzas at a guy as you're calling him, Woggy Woggy. I mean, it's what modern days might be described as a hate crime. Yeah, totally. You're right, there is a shorthand for that. And you as an Italian. Yeah.

I imagine. See, some people might find that story offensive, but it's like one of them is on the pod laughing about it. So it's okay, guys. It's absolutely okay. It's just reporting a crime. This has now become a true crime podcast. That's fine.

It's just not comedy anymore. That's fine. The idea that someone fell off a ladder onto a – A broomstick. Another bit of a broomstick. That is standing upright. Standing upright. On its fucking bits of wheat or whatever they use.

Firstly, and what, was not wearing pants? He's looped up before he's gone up the ladder. As you do. Get something from the attic. I'll just leave this broom here for no reason. So the bad luck that was the story, I need to dig down on this a little, was the story that the broom, like he was wearing pants,

but like the force of the ladder and the broomstick, gravity-wise, had forced the broomstick through the... At 12 years old, I just assumed that. I didn't look into it any deeper. I haven't asked my parents lately, but I will. Do you reckon that would happen? Could we myth-bust that and see if that would happen? Well, I'm just saying, here are my initial queries.

Firstly, just the entire scenario. Firstly, everything. Our rest my case. It's going to be second. Let's start with the idea that somebody presented at a hospital with a broomstick up their ass. Falling off a ladder onto it is still not number one through a hundred of ways that might happen, right?

So this scenario where someone's invented the idea, the story isn't that he had to leave town because he stuck a broomstick up his own ass, right? That I could buy. He's experimenting one night. It's a lonely night in Mary Bonner. He's running the health food shop. He's like, it's part colonic, it's part getting me off.

He's not thinking with a full strength brain. He's missing a lot of protein. It's a big Saturday night for him, but hey, that's onesie for you. You don't get the title by fucking around having a quiet night in. No wonder Tusi always walks very straight and calmly. I actually want to be number two. I don't want to be number one.

I've seen what you have to do to be number one. I'd love to be number one, but the cost is too high. I'm fine with being number two and not sticking things up where number two comes out of. Well, Tusi was in the corner with a vacuum cleaner on the front so number two in effort but number one in terms of technology yeah right so the idea that the story is not that he like just stuck it up there or whatever and then had to leave town but literally that there was some accident whereby this happened

right right so therefore i assume that it's not a sexual thing. He's like, the story is he's on a ladder. He's fallen off it so hard that it's penetrated through his clothing and gone. I imagine the point of the story is into his anus, right, and through him. I mean, that's a remarkable coincidence that that level of accuracy would happen. Totally. If you did it, my first thought would be, fuck, that's a good shot. That's a hard coincidence that that level of accuracy would happen. Totally. If you did it, my first thought would be, fuck, that's a good shot. That's a hard thing to do.

You'd say, as you were penetrated by the broom, you'd be like, fuck, that's a good shot. Hang a bullseye. That's a good selling point for the broom as well, that it's durable enough to withstand. You know those ads for that flashlight brand where they run over it with a Mack truck? Ads for a broom and then just violently falling onto it and it's intact

like a Ginsu knife it can cut through shoes this broomstick can cut through pants goes straight up the ass

goes through an anus like butter it's two o'clock in the morning you've fallen asleep in front of the telly the advertorial's on you to see a guy going up a ladder.

You're like, why is that broom there? Oh, God, I don't know how this ends. Damn teller back with a vengeance. So, okay, so, yes. But you would be thinking, fuck, my point being, you know that bit where something hurts and you go, fuck, I'm just waiting for that pain. You know, it takes a second or two. That's when you think, fuck, that's a good shot. hurts and you go, fuck, I'm just waiting for that pain. It takes a second or two. That's when you think, fuck, that's a good shot.

Good snail. Oh, fuck. That's great. Your response is like a broomstick is all the way up your ass and you're just like going, ah. Okay. I've got to give it to the broom. That was a good shot. So let's say that happens.

What's your next step in that scenario? Like let's hope. Because if you suddenly suddenly so say this has actually happened you're up a ladder minding your own business yeah you know slipped you're naked as normal yeah through a miracle of nature a broomstick has gone up your anus you hope no witches walk in and have to fly somewhere that's what you hope what do you do next like do you call someone do you try to remove the broom like is someone? Do you try to remove the broom? Like, is that like...

Well, I'm... You try to remove the broom first. I'm thinking I've got to get the official story out there. I'm thinking you've got to ring Elaine and Robert Chandler and go, you might have to take over work tomorrow. I can't sell carob at the moment. I'm about to run out of town. A couple of things. I'm leaving town run out of town. A couple of things.

I'm leaving town at a pretty slow pace, to be honest. I'll leave a clean path behind me. Yeah, because what's worse... You are going to get a new broom. That's great. How do we find this guy? Just follow the trail of no leaves that he's left as he waddled the broomstick out of his ass.

But what do you do as a small town lynch mob, as he makes his way out of the health food store, what do you do when you see a man with a broom up his ass? Do you go, poof-da, or do you go, witch? Oh, fuck. So, wait, so, wait. So he had left town in the middle of the night because that happened.

I don't know about the middle of the night. But he just left because of that. Yeah, I know there was a fish and chip shop owner a couple of shops down that did do... What did he put up his nuts? A big gummy flake. Some wine, mate? No, he had a gummy flake on the other side, actually.

I was just cleaning the crab sticks. Why do you have a deep fried ass? But I remember he ran out in the middle of the night and he threw... I don't... Again, when you're 10 or 12, you don't question these stories. You just go, okay, that makes sense. But I remember the story that he threw a deep fryer through the window

like he escaped from the fish and chip shop. Like he was Chief from One Flew Over the Cookish. Yes, exactly. Exactly. Except I don't know how you do that with a deep fry but I remember believing.

Baraka. Baraka. Baraka. So, yeah, I don't... Thanks, Kev. That was good. I liked it. So, I don't know

if you did it in the middle of the night but I do know that my parents then just walked in and just had to just start like literally knowing nothing. Like, my mum just cooking chops and three veg every night and then had to go in and assume they knew what the fuck was going on in a health food shop in, like, 985 or something.

The store is empty. We need the best shopkeepers in town to take this thing over. No, they owned it. They owned the building. Right, okay. Right, right, right. So these people, the health man, broomstick boy.

Yeah, Harry Health. Broomhilda, yes. So he had just like was leasing the premises and putting it in a shop, right? Yes. And so then suddenly he leaves town

in the middle of the night with a broomstick up his arse. Yes, yes. And leaving all his stock there. Yes. And so your folks just decided to keep running a health food shop. Yes.

But couldn't they have just gone, well, fuck off all this stock. We didn't pay for it. Right. And just done their own business in there? Yeah. Well, I don't know the answer. It's not how it works. I think they just were like, I don't know who's the bigger fucking idiot in this story.

It's like if I was renting out this house and the people who were renting it just left. I don't have to come in and start living their life. I think it was an okay business. I think maybe that was why. They just went, okay, well, I guess there's all these clients and I guess we can just sort of wing it for a few months while we figure out what any of this fucking shit is. I mean, this is a town for health food. They're throwing pizzas away. They won't even eat them.

They use them purely for bullying. They're very health conscious. This explains a lot about your mentality that your parents did that, like the mentality of like, well, I guess I just have to do this. You absolutely do not. You have complete choice in this. I do remember being very annoyed because they were, they'd come

from a background of like, they'd run to sort of like cafe, but like, you know, corner shop sort of places. And it was like me rocking in from school at 3.30 every day going, nice laddie doll, a big bucket of chips and a couple of Mars bars and a Coke, thanks. And then I walk into this thing and go, all right, I'll have some fucking seaweed, I guess.

The worst. What's in a health food store in 1985? Any horny goat weed? A health food store in a small country town in 1985. That sounds, that's pretty wild. It'd be pretty much nut and carrot based. Yes, totally. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There wasn't much. I literally remember the only thing I would have is I'd come in and have, there was like a cola flavoured mineral water. Right. And so that was about the only thing I would consume in the whole shop. It'd be funny if it was just a little tunnel that led into the produce section of the supermarket. There you go. It's healthy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like the idea though of like being a shopkeeper like there's something about that that has always kind of appealed to me that you just have this little world

that is just like now this is my shop yeah and like I like a good I like a corner store I got I bought some baked beans

at my local corner store in Sydney the other day and they like $3.50 and I posted like it was just literally on Instagram and suddenly people on my like that's a lot to pay for baked beans dude yeah and um I was like I don't

know if you've noticed but I'm doing fine yeah I'm giving 10 bucks a month a little dumb dumb don't put that on Instagram or there'll be a lot of people saying the same thing um but but I was like that's what I love about those local businesses. Like, I love the idea that they've just gone, no, baked beans cost $3.50 apparently. It's like they don't even look at the competition. I choose the prices. They just go, I'm just going to make this up.

That's probably five bucks. It's literally a tax on you walking another five blocks to a supermarket. Do you want to pay a dollar or do you want to walk five blocks? I'll pay a dollar, I suppose. I love an absolutely horrible milk bar. You and I went into a great one the other day in Richmond. That one in the side street in Richmond that was just absolutely run down. Oh, yeah, I love that.

Just fucked. Just all yellow. Just all faded and fucked. Like an Aldi of old school milk bars where they just got everything together in a pile it doesn't matter yeah i love that stuff yeah the sort of place where you know they have fruit and vegetables somewhere but you don't want to ask where it is yeah yeah yeah there's a famous one in sydney on paramount road called the olympia which never has the lights on and the windows are all boarded up but the door is always open.

And there's so many urban legends about the guy who owns it. Yeah, great. His wife died 15 years ago and it was his legacy to carry on the business and he can't afford electricity and shit. People go in there and try to take photos and he screams at them. Screams at them to get out. I look at those ones where they go, they'll have a discount box and it'll be all stuff that's out of date. And it's like, we've marked it down.

Nah, dude, you're not allowed to sell it anymore. Isn't that the law? That's not a discount bin. That's the bin. I went into the Olympia once to get a Coke and it was just on a shelf and he just grabbed it off the shelf. Not even in the fridge?

No, it was just on the shelf behind him. There you go. It was all covered in dust and shit. gave it to me. Not even in the fridge? No, it was just on the shelf behind him. There you go. It was all covered in dust and shit. Just extra cigarettes. Fuck, that's good.

We talked about it a lot on the show at the time but my old local one was fucking great. Oh, yours was the best. Yeah,

the freezer just full of all the magnums just in plain white wrappers that say not for individual sale on them. Oh, that's good. Selling the free books

that every now and then you can get in the Herald Sun if you just send in some tokens, just selling them for like 10 bucks a pop. My local one literally should be called not for individual sale because I don't think that there's any product in there that they actually sell. Not a single piece of branding on any item. Single cigarettes. Nice. Oh, I'm sure you could get a single cigarette out of it.

Oh, surprisingly cigarette I was in surprisingly I was in Thailand a couple of weeks ago with Milan, a friend of the show and we were buying single cigarettes from a bar there interesting, what kind of single cigarettes? funny cigarettes funny cigarettes

my parents went to Thailand in the middle of last year and got scammed did I tell you about this? No. Yeah, my parents got fucking scammed in Phuket. What sort of scam? So mum comes back and she's like, so we've signed up for this accommodation thing.

Now, it's not a timeshare and it's not a scam. And I go, how do you know that? And she goes, because the man in the meeting told us. And I'm like, what man in what meeting? And she goes, well, he came up to us on the street on a motorbike. I was about to say that. I was about to say that. A man on a motorbike will ride up to you and go,

hey, do you want to come to a meeting? And you'll get a free what? You don't have to leap in and point out that you know details about Thailand in this story. I'm well aware that you know what I'm talking about. I'm trying to guess what they offered your parents to start with because it's happened to me a bunch of times and they changed the offer. Would it have been a free snorkelling experience or some shit like that?

A free jet ski ride or some fucking shit? I think they offered us a free bar tab or something to come to a meeting. Right. I'd like if it was something like, guys, you'll never believe this, but every year here there's this podcasting festival. It sounds like a scam. It sounds like a scam. It sounds like a scam. It's not.

That's pretty good if we start selling tickets over there by just, like, riding around on a motorbike and giving out free shit to people. Oh, my God. So it's like an accommodation membership thing where you pay a fee and then as a member of it, you get access to discount rates at resorts all over the world. But then I look into it and it's like it does exist but the dates that you want to go, you'll never be able to go. Oftentimes it's like the Ecom's like pretty far out of town and everything.

My parents had paid like a bunch and signed a contract and then they were like getting hit up to like pay the rest and I'm saying to them, don't pay anymore. Like you've got to get out of this. This is so fucked. I got a friend to look at the contract that they'd signed and he was like, look, this wouldn't be legally binding. I don't even know if it's like legit.

Just tell them to not pay anymore. Worst case scenario would be maybe they try to get into Thailand and they can't get in, which for some people, Carl, is a pretty low stakes threat. But then so dad goes to... I was suddenly like, well, that is the worst case scenario. Put me in jail. As long as it's Thai jail.

Give me the fire squad. Anything but that. But yeah, dad's saying to me like, yeah, I'm going to email this man and give him a piece of my mind and say that we're not paying anymore and that we want our money back. And I'm laughing at him going like, you are a fucking idiot. Like, anyway, the other day he goes to me, I think I won. I think they're off my case. And all of a sudden, out of the blue, he sends like an angry email and like whatever the equivalent of it was like 400,000 Thai baht

just turned up in his bank account one day. My dad took on the scammers and won. Fucking hell. How insane is that? That is – do you know what he threatened them with? I don't know. I don't know what he said. Threatened to cut their dicks off or something?

Yeah. My son has a podcast and he will say very mean yes yeah yeah yeah and it literally will it does actually go out to a lot of people in thailand yeah yeah hundreds of people in june yeah rest of the year not so much but i can't fucking believe it like just just someone who you think has no like no you know too too old to fucking yeah know what he's doing in that situation totally one of those things where you go, Dad, don't embarrass yourself. Oh, you're smarter than me. Yeah.

Fucking hell. Yeah. Give me a copy of the email. I actually want to have a look at it. Yeah, I'll ask him about it. He also told me not to tell people this story. Right. Any listeners, if you happen to be sitting next to my folks

at a live show coming up, don't fucking, don't rat me out. Yeah. All right? Don't snitch on me. Any neighbours of Mr. Allsop in Malvern? But maybe we need to bring him over to Samui for protection. Oh, yeah.

He knows what he's doing. Yeah. He can take these guys on. Yeah, I don't think I've ever been scammed in Thailand, I don't think. Because, like, even early days, you know, you're sort of believing stuff when you get over there, early days. But I don't think anything – I definitely know – You have lost a lot of your money to that country over a long period of time. Thailand is a scam.

Yeah. The whole thing. I know that we... Come to a third world country that has some infinity pools. Fuck, a doll of ears. Butt diarrhea. If someone come up to me on a motorbike and said those things to me today, I'd be off tomorrow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good selling point to me. You kind of are the scam. It's like, pay money to come and watch me be hung over for four days. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, I do remember people on scooters doing that. The first time it happened, it came up to me and two mates, and it was clearly a scam.

But they were going, you do get to come here and drink for free for an hour. And we're like, well, it couldn't be too bad. Like, let's just go and get drunk in a meeting for an hour. And then it just went on and on. And we're like, oh, it's not going to be worth the hassle. Because you're going to have to sign something before you get the free beers. We're like, okay, we're out. Yeah, yeah.

But. I assume that everything overseas is a scam. Yeah. Like, I'm the opposite. I would never, like like I would like to think that I would never get scammed in that way. But I reckon I'd probably miss out on legitimate cool opportunities

because I think it's a scam. Like so somebody probably is actually going, hey, do you want to just go to this thing on the weekend? I'm like, that's a scam. I see what you're doing. He's like, no, I'm your friend. You know me. There's three of us going down in a car.

Okay, nice try. Good one, buddy. Good one, buddy. Anyway, my friend's got Bruce Springsteen tickets. We're going to go see him on Broadway. Oh, yeah. Oh, your friend. Bruce the boss. Yeah, I get one, buddy. Good one, buddy. Anyway, my friend's got Bruce Springsteen tickets. We're going to go see him on Broadway. Oh, yeah. Oh, your friend. Bruce the boss.

Yeah, I get it, mate. So this is where the luggage carousel is. Nice try. Not falling for this one. Not falling for this one. Yeah, taxi on the top of the European vehicle. Honestly, how this works. I think you'll find I'll walk to the city.

I will say though, the gall of me to be looking at these scammers and going, how dare you trick this woman into giving you money? We got a... We went to an ABC podcast festival? It an ABC podcast festival. It wasn't a festival.

Conference. Conference. It's a conference. Yeah. That's fun. We were invited to that recently. Did you have to speak at it? Yeah.

We were on a panel about taking comedy seriously. Yes. It was – Heard about this. Did you? What happened? No, I just heard about the whole thing. Okay.

Yeah. Right. No, it was very nice of them to invite us along. And we spoke in front of a few hundred people or whatever, alongside other good experienced people or whatever. But it was a slightly weird experience. Well, we thought it was like a workshop thing. Yeah. We thought the people in attendance were like people just wanting to start their own pod

or whatever. Yes. Right. And was this this year where you spoke at it? Yeah. And how many years has that conference been going for? Three or four. Yeah, three or four at least.

And so you didn't in any of that time pick up what the conference might have been about? You were going to do it? There's no way of you asking. Well, I guess there's no way we could know who we are or what this is. Or you can look things up on the internet. Oh, okay. Scam.

That's another scam. Look, there were a couple of days in a row of it being 31 degrees, okay? So I was out enjoying the perfect temperature. Yeah, we also got invited, but I thought it was a scam. I was like, I'm sure that ABC is doing podcasts. Well, we got invited a couple of years ago, and it definitely was a scam back then, what they offered us. Yeah, we got offered to go there a couple of years ago in Sydney,

and then I went, no worries, how much does it pay? Nothing. And you fly us up here? No. I think we're busy all of those days, thank you. But it was in Melbourne this time, so we went along to that, and it was paid, so that was fine. fine um but yeah we were talking to people we we five minutes before we did say oh it's cool it's all people wanting to uh make up their own podcast no no no it's all

industry professionals okay all right well we have to strike a few c-bombs out of our speech so uh but what was and it was all Sort of relatively fine The actual talk I guess Apart from So what was Like what was the Did you guys just speak yourself Or was it like a panel situation

It was a panel Moderated by someone Who had done a Someone from the ABC Had done a pre-interview With Carl So Yeah there was There was an amount of research That was Sort of The guy that did the pre-interview with Carl. So, yeah, there was an amount of research that was sort of...

The guy that did the pre-interview with me was not the guy that was emceeing the gig. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. But he kind of had some research done for him by someone else. I don't think it had been passed on. No, I don't think so either. Yeah. Okay.

Please go on. In that one of the things that was said at one point to a room full of industry professionals that do their own podcasts and stuff like, you know, actual professional podcasts, at one stage the MC said to us, yeah, but you don't make any fucking money off your podcast, do you? And I was like...

That was our intro. That was how we got introduced. And this is like us walking in going, right. Okay. Well, if this is all like big wigs and stuff, let's really make sure we pump ourselves up. Like we want to look good. And then our intro is like, anyway, you two,

you two are complete fucking idiots who make no money off this whatsoever. And don't have two Bob to rub together. So then we're on the back foot and we're sort of like defending ourselves. Yeah. And probably went too far the other way. I definitely did. What did you say? How did you open this?

I think my response was, mate, I make so much money, I'm fucking wasting my time talking to you right now. Mate, I'm making so much money, I've fucked your wife. That's more Christmas party talk. So hang on, we're intentionally not naming this person

who was the MC of the thing? This is online by the way, like people can find this recording if they want. I don't need to know exactly who this person is, but I need more detail about, so was this person from the podcasting industry or from the ABC? From the ABC, yeah. And were they like someone from the comedy industry or someone outside the comedy industry?

Someone from the comedy industry or someone outside the comedy industry? Someone from the comedy industry. Hypothetically. Hypothetically it was someone from the comedy industry. Okay. Yeah. All right. Interesting. Yeah.

All right. No one that people that listen to this would know. Okay. All right. But you would know. Okay. You definitely know. Okay.

So there was just a little. Just mouth it at me. Someone. Okay. So there was just a little. Just mouth it at me. Someone, yeah, someone who's contributed to part of this house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally. Totally. And did you actually say that? Yes.

Yeah, and what did he say? How was the reaction in the room? I don't know. I don't know. I was too busy looking at the audience going, that was pretty good, wasn't it? Yeah, we were just very – it was meant to be like a panel discussion, which we just kind of start to turn into one of our live pods.

Yeah, yes. We were just abusing the audience. Yeah, yeah. We're just trying to make each other laugh and the other panel members laugh. I think I at one point said, fuck we're a coup for this festival to get. This is a great get for you guys.

What was the point of it if it was just industry people in the crowd anyway? Don't they already know everything about how to make a podcast? I don't super know. Yeah, I don't really know. Did you shed any light? Like, did you share any pearls of wisdom with these people? Well, one of the people invited to talk alongside us

didn't have a podcast. So that was the level of thought put into it. Well, that's what the ABC needs to do for balance. Right, right. It's like when we have a climate change scientist, you have to have someone who represents them. That guy was technically a minority. Yeah, he was.

But do we have a guy for this panel who doesn't have a podcast? How about that? What about the people who don't have podcasts? How are they going to be represented? To be fair, it was a good question to ask. What's it like not having a podcast? So, yeah, that was interesting. Do you face any of these issues?

What's it like having conversations that are just for you and your friends? What's it like not having to say save it to your friends? Don't tell me for three more days until we're recording. And sitting through the rest of the lunch silently. So then we finished that

and it was all fine. It was nice to be invited. We had fun. I think we were on straight after some pretty depressing topics as well so and it very quickly turned into it us walking on going we do a podcast festival in thailand you fucking idiots and it was a bit of a seismic change in yeah in there um but it was it was fine people liked it uh but afterwards we then went like oh you can hang around and have free lunch and we're're like, oh, awesome. So then we got to hang around and have free lunch with all the people that have been in there. And so then we were approached by a few people and fuck, you know, like some other people complain about podcast fans.

We don't. But Jesus Christ, if these guys are all podcasters, I think it's better off complaining about podcasters and podcast fans. Because the people we were dealing with like this guy came up to us that runs a podcast for the media like a proper one and just walks up to us in the very first sentence he says to us is so uh sell me on your podcast in two words because i walked in and saw the last 20 seconds of you i didn't bother seeing the rest of it. But just tell me what your podcast is in two words. And we're like, fuck off, is it?

I suppose that's two words, I guess. I mean, the nice thing is it both is the appropriate thing to say and also kind of sums up your podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. It's like offended. We're like, just listen to it, you'll get it. You'll understand how great this actually is. So then he was just sort of asking his questions but it's like mate just why didn't you just come 10 minutes earlier you would have you know you would have had all the

answers but then the next guy that came up to us was like because we'd been talking about the the podcast festival he comes up and uh he goes oh man i loved loved what you were talking about in there um look me up you know if you ever want to move your vessel, here's my card. Gave me the card. He's from Bali. From Indonesia. Yeah. Fuck.

It's pretty good. I was like, look, to me, that's quite offensive. But as an idea, it's quite cool. So you're getting poached by Bali now. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, can you imagine though? Like, you know, you are like, this is, I guess, like what your number is.

Like everybody has the number. Everybody has that number of like, oh, no, I have principles. But eventually you'll get to a certain sort of number that means I'll betray all those principles because the amount of money you've offered me now or the opportunities so much that I'm willing to overlook them. For sure. To get you to Bali to do the podcast festival, I would like to know what they would have to offer. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, totally.

But also part of it would be like you're never allowed to talk about Thailand again. You're not allowed to compare Bali to Thailand. If you ever talk about Bali and Thailand in the same sentence, you're going to have to say that Bali is better than Thailand in whatever context you're talking about. I've been gotten to by Big Bali. Yeah, exactly. They're over at Bali and they're like, this podcast festival in Thailand has got a lot of heat.

Yeah, Bali's sitting there going, if only we had a way to get Australians to come. Where's the scenario you've invented where they're mortal enemies and they're constantly competing? Well, I imagine there is some sort of disposable tourist income though, isn't there? Totally. That is between the two of them.

Yeah, sure, yeah. Right? Totally. So you've got to go like, you know, like if someone's going to go and see Hughsey or me at the comedy festival. Yes. Yeah.

Which one are you, Bali or Thailand? I believe I'm, I don't know. Having been to Bali, I'm going to say Thailand. Yeah. No, Hughsey's definitely Bali. Husey's Bali. Husey is Bali. Husey's Bali.

Husey's Bali. Husey's Bali. Do you know Bali? I do like the idea of taking a trip with you to Bali to try and convert you to it. And for you to just see that it is essentially the same place. All the stuff that you like about Thailand is identical. I went to both places within

three months. I have very strong opinions on that, having never been to Bali. I went to both places within three months for two different weddings and I can't tell the difference. Both trips are the one trip. I get it. They all look the same. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Run us through what are the things that. I get it. They all look the same. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Pretty bad thing.

Well, tell us. Koon Karp. Run us through what are the things that you love the most about Thailand? If you're going to list the top five things about Thailand, what are they? And you can't say ping pong balls. I've never seen anything like that. I literally have never done anything like that. I have to keep saying this, but nearly every time I go, I'm with my partner.

So we're only doing you know normal stuff like she thinks getting on a motorbike is freaky stuff let alone going to a ping pong show also the way that you put that

also though implies to everybody that if you weren't going with your partner it'd be non-stop ping pong no what you're actually trying to say is I would not go regardless

of whether it's me or my wife yes I'm not interested I'm not interested. I'm not interested. Hey, I just went with Milan and we didn't do anything like that. When will you learn the lady doth protest too much?

Like, the more you, the more you, I never thought that about you, but the more you defend it, the more I go, this guy definitely goes to Thailand. You may not think that, but that is the cliche.

This guy is a sex terrorist. Yeah, a guy in his 40s going to thailand all the time that's the cliche certainly whenever i see anyone that looks like me over there you dodgy fucker i do literally think of everyone else like that apart from me yeah yeah you have a level of uh non-self-awareness that is admirable. Thank you. In the last five minutes, you've been like, these weirdo middle-aged guys in Thailand.

And what's it with guys who have podcasts? I'm like an island in all of these things. So food's number one. Yeah, okay. So food's pretty good in Bali as well and cheap yeah well i don't know that literally stops me from going like a lot of people go why don't you go to cambodia why don't you go to vietnam why don't you go to whatever and i go and i go yeah yeah yeah that would be good and then at the last second i go fuck i love that thai food so that would be that would be number one through three i I reckon. Okay. Just because I know everyone's got, what the fuck are you laughing at? It's literally the only cuisine I ever see you eat.

But also, something that is also readily available everywhere in Australia. Also in Bali as well. You can get Thai food. I actually didn't think of that. So, all right. Once a week, you and I will be doing something where it's like, oh, do you want to get lunch after this? Yeah, cool. Let's get lunch. I actually didn't think of that. Once a week you and I will be doing something where it's like, oh, do you want to get lunch after this? Yeah, cool, let's get lunch.

And you'll go, oh, I don't mind. What do you want? And I'll list places that you knock back all of them and invariably it ends with us just going to a Thai restaurant. That's an exaggeration because I know that we've talked several times about this and you, Thai's at the bottom of your Asian food list, isn't it? It's gotten up there recently. It wouldn't be, I don't think it'd be quite at the bottom. Right.

But yeah, I do, yeah, I like it a lot more now. Okay. It's top of mind. Is it? Thank you. I'm with you in that. Yeah, for sure. Thank you.

I've got you back on this. Yeah, yeah, nice. Thailand, I would say, I mean, if I'm trying to name things that's different between Thailand and the other. No, I didn't ask you that. Oh, okay. I just asked you what are your top five things that you love about Thailand. Right, and the first three are the food.

Yeah. Already you've said that. Which so far has only differentiated you from starving nations. Yeah, but that is. Like most places have food. Yeah. That is a stitch up of a question though because it's hard to do that list without sounding absolutely simple, like just going the beach.

Oh, Carl's five. Yeah, but Carl went food for the first three. I would have settled for the beach. I'm paring it down. That's been downgraded to one. I've been emboldened here. Oh, wow. Take right, all right. I'm paring it down. That's been downgraded to one. All right. I've been emboldened here. I feel... Oh, wow.

Take that, food. I feel brave. Food sucks, dude. I'm off it. I'm absolutely off it. That's actually... It's had it too good for too long. Yeah.

That's actually a quote of my dad once that we reminded him about for the next 20 years. Mum was like, what's for dinner? And he's like, I'm just so sick of food. I'm like, okay, well, prepare to die, I guess. That's the most depressing thing I've ever heard. Oh, totally. Number one. Sick of food.

You know how much carob I had to eat? Maybe that broomstick put him off it. Yeah, I don't know. You know how much carob I had to eat? Maybe that broomstick put him off it. I don't know. To be fair, that guy wasn't my dad. I should make that clear. You were close to finishing the list, but now you've downgraded it.

I'm only one fifth of the way through. Now it's going to go longer. We could have to make this a double episode considering how much shit I've copped for enjoying food so far. What is the name of this episode going to be? Maroon 6 and Asians? What else have you got? So Thai food.

Thai food. That is the first thing you like about Thailand. I feel like we're playing deal or no deal. What is the name of the one where you guess the survey says? I feel like we're playing deal or no deal what was the what is the name of the one where you guess the survey says family feud it's very much top five answers

second family feud second family food this would be great if answering this question turns you off Thailand because through you mentioning things, it's like, those are all just Australian things. I like that I get to go to the Tullamarine Airport. That's pretty cool. Customs, that's cool.

Keep going. Me too. Food. I feel like you've been padding a fair bit for a guy who supposedly loves Thailand. Why is this so hard? We're up to the second item on the list. I'm not finished with the first. You said Thai food.

I'm not saying Thai food. I'm not ruling out the other foods. But I also like we were laughing about your dad saying I'm sick of food and we're laughing about you saying I like food. You're not happy. I'd like to see your list because you guys seem to hate everything you hate food

you hate lack of food I disagree I'm liking this quite a lot yeah this is good they are a family of extremes this is in your top five lists yeah yeah yeah all sorts of foods

over there because you know you get to sit there and you get you get it's giving me a fucking anxiety so I just kept doing the rest of the list I just need you I just need to know You get to sit there and you get... It's going to be a fucking anxiety attack.

Just get through the rest of the list. I just need to know, are we still at number one? Are we in a general food category? Or are we down now to two and it's other foods? No, no, no. Is it one Thai food and then two other foods? I'm just correcting your listing. Because you had number one as Thai food.

I'm saying correcting your listing. Because you had number one as Thai food. I'm saying it's food. Because you can get, of course, Thai food. But I like to get other sorts of food. Because when you're there for like a week or so, then you start wanting other sorts of food. So I do like to get like a cheap, crazy cheap burger or pizza or stuff like that. You are going to blow your mind when I take you to a food court. You'll be like,

where am I? I must be on the vernal equinox. This is literally, this is the thing. I get over there and I know it's such a dumb, it's like there's such a dumb person that goes to Bali.

I look down at people who go to Bali going, you fucking idiots. But I do the same as all of them because I go all the way to Thailand and I'll put this as number two on my list then here we go okay cheap beer all you have to do is pay about 800 a thousand bucks to go over there and only spend two dollars per beer and it feels pretty good i just like the idea i've always found that very fascinating about you that i know

i was gonna i was gonna say that would be on your list that you love the cheap beers because it's fascinating me because it's like you have a good income. Yeah. Like you can afford it. It's like something that you froth on when you're like 19 and it's like you go over there with $100, which is all the money in the world. Yeah.

So you need to drink cheaply. Yeah. You just being obsessed with like how cheap a beer is, it's like you have money. Also you work a lot of your jobs in bars where they give you free beer. And you know Milan. You're getting ripped off in time. No, Milan was buying beer.

In fact, those beers are the most expensive beers you ever get. If you count the airfare as well. Milan was buying me beers over there. I'm like, fuck off. I can pay for my own beer. I want to feel the endorphin that I get when I only pay $2 for a beer. I don't need this free shit. And cocktails.

Cocktails are only $3 or $4. Getting a cheap cocktail is good. What are you spending on a cocktail here in Thailand? $3 to $4. And what cocktails are you drinking? Oh, whatever. Whatever. What cocktails would you drink here ordinarily

none it's 20 bucks I'm not a fool I need to save that money for the 800 or 1000 dollars that I need to fly to Thailand to get cheap cocktails

that's a very good point sorry ok cheap drinks absolutely it's all covered in the Barefoot Investor oh Carl's

sequel to the Barefoot Investor the sne, no. Come on. Oh, Carl's sequel to The Barefoot Investor. Yeah. The Sneakered Investor. Yeah. The Dumb Cunt Investor. The Bareback Investor. That's about how I got my wife pregnant. Oh, that's so great.

The Bareback Investor. Had a budget for your second family. Well, at the time, the bareback investor wasn't – we haven't been talking about barebacking at all. It wasn't a reference to it. It was just like, how funny is it going bareback? Really, in my head, I was thinking about it was how Carl got his second family in Thailand.

So I had this whole scenario of it was like Scott Paper put out the book for how do you care for your second Thai family. It was all – I was a bit ahead of it. I had to show him my working. You're like Robin Williams, man. You're just firing on your own. We're lucky to be in your presence. And Cam, you're like Robin Williams, you should kill yourself.

Oh no! Oh no! Anyway, number three. That is disrespectful to Robin Williams. Robin Williams, cancelled. Food, cancelled. Cam, you're like Robbie Williams. Thank you so much.

Overweight. Thank you. And don't write my own stuff. Hang on, is that Robin Williams as well, though? Oh, yeah, I guess so. Shit, we're really going to town okay so number three number three number three i will say the weather because i love the weather that it's always humid and hot over there i like being hot over there but i don't like being hot here

does that make sense no right so I'll try and explain that. I feel like when it's here, you're trapped by the weather. And you're like, I'm out of my element. It's not hot here usually. I've got to go to work. I've got to go and do stuff. I get stuck with long pants on. And I fucking hate getting stuck with long pants on.

But over there, you've got nothing to do. Oh, my God. This is such a long way around of you saying, I like being in the pool. What is this diatribe? I hate wearing long pants. Getting stuck in long pants. Trapped by the weather. But I've got, I don't know why. You like swimming.

You say you like swimming. This list has really started strong with food, beer, the pool. Wasn't this the first five things that you can think of about Thailand? But what's supposed to be on a list of what I like about Thailand? If food and weather and beer doesn't get on the list.

This is a great format for an interview show. Just getting someone in. List your favourite things about this and then we just tear it to shreds. What am I supposed to say? Oh, the fucking architecture. That's why I go there for. I like the fucking shafts they have there.

You don't like that at all, you idiot. Anyway, next. Anyway, we're interested in the other two that you've got to go. Now, I'm going to have a beer. Carl, they're free, so you might not. Can I please pay? Can I please pay? Do you want one?

I would love one. Can you take that as carry-on on your next flight over to Thailand? And I could sell them. Oh, my God. All right. So, yeah, thank you. So, yeah, the weather. You like the weather.

Yeah, I like the weather. Consistent weather. But it's not, though. It's not consistent. It is consistent. But it will just, like, randomly rain. It's not consistent. It is consistent. But it'll just like randomly rain. It's like being in Melbourne. It will rain for like 20 to 30 minutes and then it'll be absolutely back to normal.

Yeah. If you look at the... But also that's a weird... Okay, so talk me through what Thai weather is like. Because you said humid initially, which I also was like, that's a weird weather to like. Humid's terrible. Humid feels like a terrible weather to like. So what is it about the Thai weather that you really enjoy?

I think I like that it's consistent. So it's 32, 33 every day. It's not going to change. 31's perfect. Yeah, bring it down. I'm off it. It's not fine. I'm not going next year now that I've heard this.

That's 10 to 12 degrees above fine. So yeah, that is not good. I think because it's like that, I feel like it's just like completely different from here. So it's a real vibe of being somewhere else. You're definitely on holidays. You're not getting this every day. So you like going to Thailand

because it's somewhere different to here. Yes. The same as anywhere else you would go to from here. Okay. All right. Good. Yeah. All right.

Okay. So what have we got so far? We've got the fact that it's got food there. It has food. It's got cheap beer. All sorts of food. You like the weather. Yes.

Because it's not the weather that we have here. It's different to this weather. Yes. Yes. You are right. Like a nice day here if you have stuff to do is kind of a shame because you're like, well, I can't really enjoy this because I've got stuff on. Yes.

Right, but that's less about it. So you're on holiday. That's something you like about it. Hey, when you spell everything I say out, it all sounds dumb, all right? But that's exactly what you're saying. It's like if you had a nice day here and you didn't have to wear pants or go to work, you'd be like, well, that's hard. Fuck, you guys putting the pressure on me

is actually rising my temperature. I feel like I'm 33 degrees and I'm not enjoying it. If you're an unemployed alcoholic, I mean, that's two things off your list right there. I mean, the fact that we're all in this room creating this heat will create a sort of humidity domain. You can just pop over here, Carl. Yeah, yeah.

As long as I get roasted by you three cunts every day, I can just have a two weeks here. Fuck, I am literally hot. Okay, so, alright, yeah, the weather. Okay, two more. You've got two more. Let's just do five. Yeah, yeah.

Fuck, this guy gets it. List comedy Yes Number four Number four If we're going to go by that Number five is going to have to be comedy Number four

Staying in great hotels For not that much money I love it I love staying in hotels But if you're staying in a nice hotel in Australia, it costs quite a bit of money. But over there, you're paying not very much at all for a really good hotel.

And over there, they provide you with a smorgasbord breakfast with most hotels as well. And it's really hard. I'm sorry, I'm going to have to stop you there. That's technically part of number one. You are not allowed to bring this in. A lot of these have to do with cheap as well. There's a real statement of cheap.

But I legitimately, like, when people cane me on this stuff, I'm always like, I always definitely think of myself as like a class above Bali. I'm like, you fucking idiots go to Bali. But Thailand's just like a degree better in my eye. I don't know if that's true or not, but that's what I, I kind of feel like that sets me apart from all the fucking idiots because... But Barley is like...

Oh, my God. Barley is like... It's amazing. Oh, my God. It's just... He can't see himself from outside. Oh, my God. It's amazing.

So, Barley... Barley is like six hours away. I wish I hadn't said... I wish I'd said ten. I just wish I'd said ten. So, Barley is like six hours away. I wish I'd said ten. I just wish I'd said ten. So Bali is like six hours away, but I'm going eight hours away. Those two hours is what cuts me apart from all the others. You've worked a bit harder to get it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm two hours above those people. Right, right. That makes sense, right? One extra movie. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Is that part of your list? Just a film.

The fact that you're two hours further away? Is that? No, no. Okay, good, all right. So,

well, you just, you're padding. God, I wish it was. Just threw that one in. Yeah, yeah,

yeah. It's a little bonus. Time in the air. A little bonus content. Yeah, yeah. That's for Patreon subscribers. Yeah,

yeah. Can't we be listing these other 45 things? Yeah, yeah. If, look, I'm not a big watcher of movies on the plane, but that could be a reason if you're really into movies, because you could squeeze in another.

Watching movies on the plane. Yeah. But it's not. But it's not. It's not. Speculative things to the list. It's just like, that could be one. Yeah.

It's not. Yeah. It's someone else. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that there's other people in the world that watch movies. Hey, I'm just ruling that one out. Okay, okay. I'm never going to get to number five

if you do everyone's list. Look, bungee jumping, not for me, but it's an option that's available and it makes me feel good to know that other people feel happy. That extra two hours, that's almost an extra whole movie.

You've got at least three quarters of the movie. Eiffel Tower. That's not on there. That's more of a top five thing of things that people like to see in France. Yep. Just ruling that out. I didn't think in France. They've got food there in France?

Yeah. Wouldn't make my top five. They've got weather too. All right. Yeah, just got it. Sorry. Food, beer. Cheap beer, the weather. They've got weather too. Yeah. All right. Yeah, just got it. Sorry. So food, beer. Cheap beer, the weather.

Weather. Cheap hotels. Cheap hotels. Yes, quality, cheap hotels. That is sick, I will say. Yeah. I noticed that you were all a bit quieter when I pulled out number four. Not as much as I can remember. Yeah, you really fucked this podcast up by not being as ridiculous as this has gone on.

I mean, I tried to relate. I stay in those hotels all the time. Yeah, I know. But I imagine. It is nice. And relative to your overall income, it's costing you what it costs him to be in one of the two. I saw your eyes roll over as we were in the seventh floor

of your fucking penthouse apartment. So, yeah. We are in Will's house at the moment. Number five. Fuck. the moment. Number five. Fuck. All right. Number five. This is an interesting one.

A lot of pressure now. There's only one spot left. I know. You know? What is in number five? All these amazing things that you love. Yeah. I think...

Fuck. The place that you go to three times a year. Certainly. If you listed them and said, what is famous for these things? That was your clue. What destination am I thinking of? This list is starting to make me think that you've actually never been there.

If I read this list on time out, I'd be like, what sort of fucking primary school student wrote this article? This really is like a kid who's come back. It was cheap. It was different. And they had food. There was weather.

There was McDonald's. Hey, I've probably never been to McDonald's in Thailand. Fuck. All right, number five. What's good about Thailand? I went to a carbonara pie. Yeah. Did they really?

Awful. Yeah, you had it. Yeah, I had it. First night. First night I got there. Just awful. Just awful. And it was like, I don't know if it was like confirmation bias where you go and it's like,

well, I know this is going to be awful, but I have to know for sure. Oh, God. Yeah. The more you go to Thailand with me, the more non-Thai food you have. I remember earlier on you used to give me a lot of shit about I went there

and had pizza once and you're like, oh, you fucking go to Thailand and get pizza. This year we got there and you got spaghetti as your first meal. Yeah, but you know what it is

because we started the thing on the show of bullying Nick Carr about how much he does it. I go, well, now I'm safe. I can have it under cover of darkness because there's someone else who that's their thing. Someone's got the thing.

So I can do this without people picking up on it and being my thing. Yeah, you can't start going, oh, Spaghetti Dash. Oh, we've done that one. Yeah. Good work. And as we know, Carl, Thailand is famous for more than just Thai food. He's really strutting. You are just going to end up having to put ping pong show on there.

No. You've run out of things that you even know about the place. Because I live a very simple life when I'm there. There's not that many things that I do. Like a monastic lifestyle. What do you mean? You go up in the hills and meditate. Simple in an of mice and men kind of way.

I don't know what that means. Just keep looking forward. Just keep looking straight ahead. Look out at the ocean. Just look forward. Just look straight ahead. It's fine. Stare at the buffet, Carl.

Stare at the buffet. Oh, man. I can't wait to put a pillow over your head and throw a deep fry through that window. Pillow is very nice, though. This hotel is very nice. It's better to have a broomstick stuck up my arse. Maybe we can have a bit of fun this year

and that can be number five for you. The time I can put a broomstick up my arse. That can replace the ping pong shows. that can be number five. The time I get a broomstick on my ass. That can replace the ping pong shows. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The broomstick show. No ping pong's coming out of a vagina, but broomstick's going up an ass. It's very progressive, you know.

Carl's living in Thailand now, guys. He's doing a show. It's just him, a broomstick. Come on, number five. Come on, man. Number five. He sweeps up the ping pong balls. It's actually him and Broomstick. Come on, number five. Come on, man. Number five. He sweeps up the ping pong balls. It's actually the best bit.

I don't really like the ping pong, but wait until the guy comes down to sweep them. This guy, you are going to laugh. You think there's nothing new that can be done with sweeping. You are going to eat your words. And then that overtakes the popularity of the ping pong. Like the ping pong is happening. Everyone's like, all right, all right. Bring out the sweeper.

Get on with it. Bring out the healthy sweeper. She's loading the ping pong ball in and people in the crowd, bring on the sweeper. I mean, yeah. I mean, the Thai curling team at the Winter Olympics. It's like cool running. It's just real good stuff.

All right. Man, we got to get out of will's house yeah all right all right i got it i got it i got it i got it here we go i like running every day on the beach man like honestly these are these are in the nothing none of this has to do with tyler yeah i will say this and this is very faint praise, but that's the most sane one. Right. Thank you. Yeah. You're welcome. Now these guys are turning on me.

I'll be like, you fucking idiot. Don't empathise with him, you moron. There was just part of me that realised that we live in a country that is surrounded by beach and that 95% of the population live in close proximity to a beach. But I don't live close to a beach. But when I'm there, I do live close to a beach. I mean, but...

That's great. You are the guest of the hotel. Hi, I'm Carl. I live close to the beach. For one more week. Hey, I literally Carl. I live close to the beach. For one more week. Hey, I literally am. I love that. Just as you check in.

I live here now. Well, what am I doing there? Of course I'm living there. I'm not dying there. Well, I know what that is. Hey, I rest my case, Your Honour. It's Marbo. It's me living here.

Yeah, no, that's good. I will say I'm with you on the weather and the running. What was number four? Cheap air hotel. Cheap hotel. I'm with you on that. I really came around towards the back end of that. Okay, great.

The first two I think were absolutely ridiculous. And then, yeah, I most relate to the cheap hotels thing is like, that would be in my top five. Right. That's genuinely great. I guess the only thing that I would say at the end of that, which was the initial premise, is none of those things on that list differentiated in any way from Bali.

Right, okay. They are also the sort of things that if someone was asked, what do you like about Bali? Yep. Many of those things would probably also be on there. Sure, yes. And it would take them a quarter of the amount of time

to get them. Yeah, but those people are probably in a room alone saying them out loud without three cunts yelling at them. That's still less weird than you. Oh, fuck. All right, well. Well, if that isn't an ad

for the Coastal Movie International Podcast Festival 2019. Well, it isn't, because it didn't make your top five. I honestly thought that's what you were building up to. The whole time I thought you were working up to an ad for your show and you forgot it existed. You've gone there two years in a row with some of your best friends and been paid to do it. And you prefer running on the beach.

But I do all that stuff while I'm at the festival. That's part of it. It's an umbrella. It's an umbrella answer. I mean, mostly what we're saying, guys, is come over for an affordable pad thai. Guys, if you've been before, write in. Let us know.

What were your five favourite things about being in Thailand? But if you have to name any form of your existence like that, what are the five things you like about being in Australia? Let's go through the list I mean you can get a whole bunch of different foods here you can get a huge

different food here delivered to your house actually if you pick the right pub you can get cheap beers cheap beers sometimes free beer say what you will

about this country I think there are a lot of backwards thing about it but you cannot deny this there is always weather absolutely all sorts of weather

and it's different in different places it's consistently weather this country you're talking about is sounding good does it have a podcast festival it doesn't there's a backpackers

near my house $20 a night which I think we can all agree pretty cheap a con pretty cheap a combination do you live near a beach I sort of do, actually, yeah. I'm maybe like five minutes away from one in the car.

All right. I reckon I know what number five is going to be. Okay. It was sounding good until number five, but I'm living on the beach when I go to Thailand, so I prefer to do that. That's right, guys. Number five on my list.

Jacking off into the ocean. Unbeatable. It's like the de-evolution of man. We arose from the ocean and I jacked off back into it. Complete in the circle, you know, man. David Attenborough's final act. Died doing what he loved, jacking off into the ocean. That's like in the ocean.

Complete in the circle of life and seeing Hakuna Matata from The Lion King. If you use that sperm in the right way, there'll be an organism growing in like nine, ten, eleven months. But if you do it into the ocean, that could take a few million years or so. That's why the beach is so salty. Fucking David Attenborough spoof.

Is that a scene in Aquaman? Him just busting off a pier. Jason Momoa just like... Busting off a pier. Jason Momoa just... Man, the night they found out about that at the fish and chip shop in Maryborough, the guy freaked out. The guy had to leave town, yeah.

He was like, this is disgusting. It's full of David Attenborough and Aquaman semen. All right, we better wrap this up for another week on the Little Dum Dum Club. Will Anderson, Cam James, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you. Cam has an awesome show on ABC iView. It's called Be Your Own Boss with Becky Lucas.

And you should watch it because, like, you know, I guess that... Give me five reasons. Okay, I will. So Cam James and Becky Lucas are in it. They're both fine, amazing comics that are familiar to this podcast. They have an amazing chemistry together that really lights up the screen. It is kind of set around one sort of plot, which is really compelling to follow,

but a whole bunch of different characters that interweave with each other. At the end, I was so into enjoying the show that there's kind of like a cliffhanger and I really wanted to see the second episode so I'm encouraging everybody out there to watch it and last but not least I work for the ABC, it's on the ABC and I like to

enjoy the feeling that often people get when they watch me which is seeing somebody else waste my taxpayer's dollars. So that's my five and that's how easy it is Carl look at that, just off the top of my head Well you did a number of them So I'm going to have to Keep that as one

Yeah let's go with Your number two Cheap beer I drank some weird shit From Aldi while I was Watching it My couch is comfortable I have a good TV

I ordered Uber Eats And the dog sat on my lap My couch is comfortable. I have a good TV. I ordered Uber Eats. And the dog sat on my lap. They were my favourite things in the episode. Oh, and I watched The West Wing after. I have related to everything you just said then way more than the initial reason. Yeah, you've also got a bunch of podcasts like Total Reboot. Total Reboot and another waste of taxpayers' dollars called Finding Drago,

which is an ABC podcast. It's you trying to track down someone. Yeah, this guy wrote this weird fan fiction book about Ivan Drago from Rocky IV, and we're trying to find out who this guy is and why he would do this. I want to do one of those track down podcasts. We should try and find Broom Man. Get the ABC to give us money

to find a man who put a broom up his ass 30 years ago. If we track down all the Marabara weirdos, that would be a thing. Because Sunshine Johnson and all the people

we talked about years ago on this podcast. And of course, Toosie. Toosie, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because Toosie, I don't know where he lives, but I remember he

moved to, fuck, he moved to some Asian country. And then he was telling us... Which one? Hey, it's not racist to say an Asian country. Your old friend. And he didn't even make the top five.

He didn't even make number two. That's your name now, 5C. We did have a guy, I'm sure we talked about this, we did have a guy in Mirabarra called Half A Dozen Head because he had such a big forehead that they said it was like a six head. So anyway. Half A Dozen Head. He had such a big forehead that they said it was like a six head. So anyway. Half a dozen heads. We had a guy called Axe Head because his mum or his stepfather, someone hit him in the head with an axe.

That's my favorite thing about the ones that you tell me about Maryborough, where it's like the divide where half of them are just like ridiculous, silly things and then half of them are based on a horrific crime that happened to this person. things and then half of them are based on a horrific crime that happened to this person. But Toosie moved somewhere and I think

was working for like something over there and I remember him coming back and saying how good it was over there. He was like I live in chicken town. I love that after anything that's been said on this podcast,

the one moment you get coy is around. It's like you mumbled it into a microphone that's attached to a recorder. Like the mafia. Yes. Just in case I listen. I'm committing cracks. But he was talking about working. I didn't know anything

about any of this stuff but he was like yeah I'm living in you know chicken town and I'm like what's chicken town? He was like oh a whole town

full of sex workers of young sex workers I'm like why is that called chicken town? Hey well that's I wonder where onesie was working

if fucking Tuesday had that dick you know. Dead people Town? Chicken City. He's up at the Big Smoke. Will, you've got Willosophy, Tofop. There's new Willosophy, there's new Tofop,

and there's new Fofop, I actually think, at the moment. And there is Melbourne International Comedy Festival, and, I actually think, at the moment. And there is Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Yes. And Hobart is on sale at the moment. My new show, Will Informed. And I'm doing some other Will Legal dates later in the year. Great. Great poster again, as always.

Yeah, James Fosdark. He's very good. And also, thank you always for your continued support of this show. Yes. Because from day one, you've always been very, very, very, very nice to us. Well, thank you. Because we literally, you know, we'll do a show like this and put it out, and other people sort of like, you know, you like to think,

oh, someone will retweet it or whatever it is, and a lot of people don't or whatever. But we'll just like always promote whatever episode we do, and I'm like, fucking hell, this is very generous of someone with your profile. So we appreciate it. I will tell people to skip the first boring bit about hardcover books. Jump in around broomstick ass and hold on tight for Carl's Top Five. We'll just put the time stamp in the description so people can just get right in there.

Yeah, it took us a little while to warm up, but I feel like we did. Oh, fuck, we're just getting started. Let's do another one right now. I reckon we'd be good at the hardcover books by now. Let's get back into that. What are your top five things you like? All right, guys, thanks for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mate.

And they have done it again. Without a doubt. No question. See you, mates. See you, mates. And they have done it again. Without a doubt. No question. We survived the hardback talk at the start of it or whatever the fuck we were talking about. Yes, yes. Book chat. Yeah.

If you can give that a little bit of a trim, Tommy, that would be appreciated. No, I feel like it needs to be heard in its entirety to really appreciate the heights that we reach later on. Right, okay. It's like training in gumboots, and then when you get on the field, football boots feel like slippers. Yeah, it's the weight belt of podcasting. Right.

Yeah. But yeah, great ep. Lovely of Will to take time out of his schedule to be on the show. First studio episode with Will Anderson in many years. Ages and ages. Usually, we usually, I shouldn't say

we save him for the live episodes, it's just when he's available. He's a very busy man. So, he's out and about during comedy festivals and stuff like that.

That's when we can get him. So, yeah, very good to have him, not one-on-one, two-on-two, I guess. Yep.

And Cam, for his second appearance on this show. Yep. Yeah,, for his second appearance on this show. Yep. Yeah. Man, that was a really fun episode. Yeah, that was great. Heaps of fun.

Yes. In at Anderson Towers. Yes. Lovely stuff. I got lost in there for a while, but security sorted me out and pointed me in the right. I was just on the wrong floor. I was like, I thought we were supposed to be on the 11th floor. I was on the 21st floor. Yeah, floor. So you could see where the confusion was.

Let me ask you this. What do you think he pays in rent per week? $250, $300? Do you think he pays rent? I didn't see his housemates at all. I wonder if they went out for the day while we were in there. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I mean, they could have been on the other 10 floors that we didn't go to. That's true, yeah. I love the idea of being a really rich guy and having a great house

that you just do up in this fake, kind of shabby share house aesthetic. So you go into this mansion and there's just a busted up Pulp Fiction poster on the wall. Right. And lopsided, just stuck with sticky tape. Yeah. Big bong sitting on a beanbag. Yep. That'd be good if you had like five floors to your house or whatever.

You just went, oh man, I really miss my uni days when I wasn't so rich. And you just built one floor. The retro floor. That was like your share house. Yeah. That's actually fucking great. That's actually so good. Just permanent dirty dishes.

Like an actual feature of it where they're actually screwed into the sink and stuff like that. You can't get them out. Yeah, it's like a little museum, a little tribute to your youth. I saw a thing on the news the other day about, I can't remember where in the world it was, but it was like a Rolling Stones exhibition that they've set up and they've got this fake mock backstage of like,

here's what it's actually like. But it's like this backstage area that they've set up and they've got this like fake, this mock backstage of like, here's what it's actually like. But it's like this backstage area that they've done up and it's like, here's, you know, here's the guitar area and here's, you know, Mick's little mirror that he gets ready in front of. And it's like, there's absolutely no way that all of them are just sitting in the same little area before they walk out on stage. Absolutely not. There's no way.

There's no way. This is the most fake bullshit I've ever seen. That's, if that's in the same room, I for a fact i mean i've read about them they they they don't even there's like ages where mick and keith don't even talk to each other yeah yeah they just have their own rooms and then they go out on stage and play and then go back again and it's like they didn't they don't talk for whole tours but it's like what an insane fantasy that they feel like they've had to build into this exhibition. It's like we need people to believe that they're just in each other's pockets all the time right until they walk out on stage.

It's like imagine being backstage in a room. Like without the performers being there, it's just a fucking room. It's not even a cool room. Like backstage is never interesting, is it? Yeah, but look, but that's what this exhibition thing, they've tried to make it look like a little fantasy. Look it up. It looks ridiculous. I know, but that's what this exhibition thing, they've tried to make it look like a little fantasy. Look it up. It looks ridiculous.

I know, but that's what I'm saying. Who even wants to go? We've been backstage at comedy stuff. That's true. Yeah. We don't just walk on stage from the audience. We have to go back to another room. Well, no, quite often we are walking on stage from the audience.

I would say in Australia, in terms of Australian comedy, more often than not you are walking on stage from the audience. Yeah would say in Australia, in terms of Australian comedy, more often than not, you are walking on stage from the audience. Yeah, yeah, sure. It's pretty rare to have like an actual backstage. I was thinking like when we did the Opera House, that was like a bad backstage. Yeah. That wasn't cool at all.

Yeah, that was pretty crummy. It was shit. Yeah. I'm trying to think what are the good backstages I've been at. Music festival ones are always pretty cool because they're pretty like exciting and you're sort of like, you're sort of half outdoors. Right. It's like, this is cool.

This is nice. Yeah. I'm trying to think of a good example of an iconic one where you're backstage and there's posters and people have signed things backstage and stuff like that. Maybe. Downstairs at the Forum is really good. There's this huge black wall that they've got. Everyone who's been through has signed it with a silver texter. Right. So there's this huge list of that they've got like everyone who's been through has like signed it with like a silver texter.

Right. So there's like this huge kind of list of all these great bands and stuff. I think the Evelyn in Fitzroy. Yep. That's sort of okay

because it's got a lot of graffiti and stuff like that. It's got a huge room. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Because I always remember that one maybe particularly because that's when I did

my first ever gig. Yeah. Raw Comedy Heats were there for a long time. Yeah. Yes. Andats. Raw Comedy Heats. For a long time, yeah. Yes. And I remember very distinctly being there for the five, ten minutes it took until I was being introduced to the stage and I was just sitting there just going fucking crazy

and literally looking at this tiny window going, could I fit out of there? Going crazy, adding to the graffiti, all work and no play. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah for sure um what's less interesting hardcover chat or backstage room chat yeah yeah here's this is just us now going here's some rooms we've been in yeah yeah i went to the toilet at my friend's house once yeah what was it like pretty cool pretty roomy nice um yeah so hey we talked a lot about Thailand in that episode. I seem to remember. And of course, with those five reasons that you've now got to go to Thailand,

you can go to littledumdumclub.com slash kosamui and find out all the details of our upcoming festival. It is, like I've been saying, it is a great time to be signing up for that sort of stuff because the Ozo Chuing Samui have a great discount for us and our listeners. If you use the word podcast19 as your little password, if you go directly to their website, all the details you'll find out on our website. But, hey, the major discount happens before Jan 15. There is still a discount after that, but that's your major discount. So if you want to go, get onto it.

Don't dawdle. No. Yeah, yeah. Do it. Get onto it in the next couple of weeks. Well, if you're listening to this the day it's come out, it's Boxing Day, so maybe you got some cash from your family yesterday. Totally.

What better use for it than a nice little holiday in the middle of next year when winter has kicked in in Australia? Absolutely. So like I said, don't stress out if you do miss it, but this is your maximum savings time in the next couple of weeks. So get on to that. It's going to be an awesome third and final Coastal Mill International Podcast Festival.

And why would you not go there, what, with all the food, weather, cheap beer. Accommodation. Accommodation. And running on the beach. And running on the beach. And running on the beach. See, whack all that on a postcard, Koh Samui. Oh, man.

Double your tourism. I was listening back to that the other day. It's one of my favourite things that's ever happened on this show. Oh, great. Just a list that took half an hour to get through. I was talking to Cam about it yesterday and he's like, it felt like it got pretty close to bullying. I'm like, it absolutely was bullying.

But like I said, anyone would sound like you having to give a list about anything. Like it's impossible to not sound like a severely simple man. Yeah, totally. It's not bullying if i don't feel bullied that's the thing um no very fun very fun but uh uh with those five reasons you know what there could even be more than those five reasons to go there interesting maybe maybe we can do that at one of the live shows over there you come up with the next five things that you like yeah yeah maybe

we can do one in japan if i can ever come up with five things that I like about that country. Food. Yeah. Oh, they've got that. Food is one. Yeah. Thai food is one. Great.

Nice one. And, of course, we've got all those live shows on sale. We have Melbourne. We're going to Canberra. We're coming back to Canberra. We've got Melbourne. We've got four live shows in Melbourne on Saturday afternoons

4.30 we've also got a late show one night we've got basically a midnight show so that'll be a lot of fun

Friday the 5th of April I think at like 11.55pm of course all the details are on our website so go and check that out but we did promise

you that we have a new show to announce at the front of the episode, and that is we are going back yet again to Brisbane. Yes. Now, we don't have the tickets on sale quite yet, but they're about to go on sale, I believe. We've just got to tie down a time of day, but I believe it's March 17? Yep.

Is that right? Yeah. So March 17, we're on right? Yeah. So March 17th, we're on a Sunday afternoon going to the night. So Brisbane, you guys are always the, the, the, the best. So we are coming back. Put that in your calendar. Don't buy tickets. They don't exist yet. Don't buy anything from

Viagogo or whatever because we... It's already up on StubHub. Right. Don't do that. Those are not the real deal. Don't get any scalpers. Don't go up to any scalpers in Fortitude Valley because they don't have our tickets either. I would love to be...

I think that would be a great compliment to get this show to the point where people are getting... Like, people are getting gouged with buying tickets. Don't you think that's the mark of, like, you've really made it. When demand is that high. I would not be insulted. I would be impressed for sure.

For sure. Yeah. Someone flogging a ticket to just one of our comedy festival shows for like a hundred bucks would be like, wow, that's actually sick. Yeah. Good on you.

The scalper good on you. The person who's been ripped off. There's really, well, I mean, we're not getting that money, so that's a shame, but we're getting the knowledge that we're in demand enough you know we can leverage

that into other things that are going to make us money yeah look i think it would be one of those things where it's like the first time it happens to us we're like oh man that's amazing how great is this and then the second time oh fuck hang on a minute we want this money yeah yeah yeah so yeah anyway so uh keep an eye out for that that should be that something should be happening on a minute. We want this money. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah. Anyway, so keep an eye out for that. That should be, that something should be happening with that within the next week or two. But yeah, the date's there. Put it in your little calendar and you'll hear it here on the social media and stuff when the tickets are actually live.

Yep, yep, yep. And we're doing, we're not doing a big stand-up show this time. It's just like a live podcast. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so that'll be fun. Yeah. Okay,

any other points of business? I don't know that there is. We got... Happy holidays to everyone. Yeah, look, it's all gone down by now,

I guess. Yeah, Boxing Day, hope everyone had a good day. Yeah, if you listen to this on the day it comes out, it is Boxing Day,

which means, hopefully... Are you listening to this as you're getting trampled out the front of David Jones? Yes. That would be good. No. No, there's someone with the earbuds in. They're just getting their skull caved in, trying to get a cheap toaster.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. See you, mate. Yeah. As you're bashing someone over a white good, you're listening to this. We just last night did our Orphan's Christmas Eve show. That comes out next week. Yeah. What if next time we do one of them, instead of it being a Christmas show, what if we do a Boxing Day sales show?

So it's just like pod starts 10 a.m. on the dot and we have the doors just bolted from the inside. It's like pod starts, we open the doors, and people from the inside and it's like pod starts we open the doors and people just have to race up to the stage to watch us do comedy but that would mean if it was a true boxing day uh podcast that would mean that we say tickets are on sale for 50 dollars or something and then on the day on the day they're on sale for 10 dollars and we all we also we've put out a really really bad podcast the week before that you can bring in to return for the live one. Right.

Wow. On purpose to a bad one. On purpose to a bad one. Fuck. Would we even be capable of such a thing? I don't think so. I think it's beyond us at this point. I think it's invincible. That's a good hook.

Trying to deliberately do a bad episode. Just see if we can do it. Just talk about hardback books for a full hour. I think that was good. Yeah, it was fine. Yeah. It was okay. Not our finest hour,

but then we got to our finest hour. Exactly. Yeah, so we're all good. It's all part of the journey. Yeah. I love to podcast. Gotta break some eggs. So yes,

happy holidays to everyone listening and yeah, thank you. I hope this is bringing some joy into your life after being... I feel like once Christmas goes, people are very bored for a couple of days. I'm looking for... Because we're recording this a few days before, I'm looking forward

to it being over. I'm looking forward to the boredom. I hate Christmas. Right. Yeah. I'm fucking dreading it. Why? I don't know. It just stresses me out. What bit stresses you? Presents or family? Family.

Being around family. Yeah. It's just a lot of anxiety. I tend to not really even think about it. I tend to just nearly. Honestly, all I'm thinking about, like I've just told you before we recorded this, my wife reminded me I should go and get a present for my parents, which I't even think about because i just think so irony yeah well just because i'm you know you're you know i'm a fucking grown-up i don't think about that stuff like i don't expect anything yeah so i

you know i don't tend to think the other way but uh she reminded me i've got to go and get something so i'm like yep i should I should totally go and get it. But, yeah, I don't really think of – yeah, it's just another sort of day. The thing I'm really concentrating – the only thing I'm thinking about Christmas is going and getting roast dinner from my mum. Oh, cool. That's the only thing I think about Christmas for, I think. Yeah. Yeah, because it's the best meal of the Oh, cool. That's the only thing I think about Christmas for, I think. Yeah.

Yeah. Because it's the best meal of the year, easily. Interesting. I think I might almost, I might almost take a picture of it and put it on Instagram. Whoa. Yeah, do it. I, you know what I like? My favourite meal of the year is the Boxing Day lunch the next day.

Oh. All the food from the day before, but leftover. Really? Yeah. Why leftovers? I don't know. Something about it feels a bit more special. Right.

You know. I felt like. Because you know what it is. It's all the good food. But, you know, you've sort of, with our family, we just divvy it up and like who wants to take a bit home with them for tomorrow. So it's like you're home. You're alone.

So it's like all the good food of the day before without having to deal with any of the family shit, without having to deal with fucking conversation and being asked about your life. You just eat it in a dark room by yourself. Now that to me, heaven, absolute heaven. Right. So when you watch like A Christmas Carol,

many of the things that are supposed to be bad in that show that's happening, you actually think are good. I really am becoming more and more like Scrooge as I get older. Like I honestly was thinking, mum the other day was like, oh, what do you want for Christmas? I'm like, I don't know. I don't, you know, I don't care. Like that's the thing about gift giving where it's like, well, there's no point in me just saying, like you said, you're an adult.

Like, just going, I want this. Yeah. And then it's like, you open this box and you know exactly what is in it. I was just thinking like, God, it'd be good to just say to everyone who asks you, what do you want for Christmas? No contact for a week. Just to be left alone. Right.

Just be alone in a room. Yeah. Oh, fuck. You know what? If you like that, I quite quite like because it's just different but between christmas and new year you go into the city or you walk around town or whatever it is and there's no one around taking a drive yeah oh taking a drive down punt road that week between christmas and new year bliss you know what i like it this is what i always uh me and my wife

say to each other all the time i love you bitter no i said all the time bit of bit of walking out onto the street, bit of vanilla sky. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No one on the street. You reference that movie to me all the time. You're the only person I know who still talks about vanilla sky. And I've never seen it. Because the other big one that people make that reference about is

20, 25 Days Later, the zombie movie. 28 days later? 28 days later, yeah. Where he's been in hospital and he wakes up and the zombie things happen and he goes out in the street and it's completely empty. I would say that has stood the test of time more so than Vanilla Sky. Really? In terms of as a film, for sure.

I haven't watched either of them. 28 Days Later's good. No, I have watched that but I haven't watched it since it came out. Cool. Yeah. But I just think it's more iconic because it's Tom Cruise. That's true. And he's in more of a, like he's in what, London or New York or something like that?

It's New York. Yeah, he's in an iconic location. An iconic location that you couldn't remember what it was off the top of your head. I remember it was a thing. Cape Town. 28 Days Later is just some cunt somewhere. It's London. Oh, is it? thing. Cape Town. 28 days later, it's just some cunt somewhere. It's London. Oh, is it?

Okay. All right. But yeah, I do. That week between Christmas and New Year is just heaven. Catching up with people. There's no stakes. There's no pressure. It's just, it's low effort.

It's great. Yeah. Go for a nice drive. Get wherever you need to go in three minutes flat. Yeah. Oh, the best. Go to the cricket? I might watch the cricket, actually. Oh, fuck.

You live really close to the cricket now. Because there might be some comics going to watch the cricket on a day. So you should come along. Yeah. Send me an invite. I'll come. Yeah. Okay.

Hey. Hey. So, welcome to Talking Dumb Dumb, obviously. Part of Talking Dumb Dumb is thanking everyone that does a thing called, they subscribe to our Patreon account, which is saying thank you to us for putting this show on and contributing monetarily to us every week via that middleman website, patreon.com slash littledumbdumbclub. Despite the fact that we give out this show and then you give us money for it we decide to give even more back than that we give out a magazine we give out a bonus episode once a month uh to each of those you also get entry into our new little facebook group um that are for patreon subscribers only as well it's like the relationship

should be do something get the thanks the end But we, we're not satisfied with that. We've had to then tack another thing onto the top of that where we do even more still. And we're still waiting for our thanks for that. We should have a Patreon for the Patreon. Oh, man. I've showed a few other comics lately what we do for these bonus things. And they've just gone, what the fuck? How much fuck?

How long does this fucking take? I know. What are you doing? And then I'm like, oh, that's right. Yeah, it does. What the fuck have we tied ourselves in for? Anyway, it's because we appreciate everyone so much for helping us out. You've got to do it.

You want those dollars, you've got to do it. We just wish we were like other podcasts who didn't give a fuck and still got that money. But anyway. What do other people do? I will say on the other podcasts I do, we're about to change our Patreon to do way more than we do now. Oh, really?

Which is going to be potentially a nightmare. Oof. Yeah. Good luck. One bonus a week, baby. Oh, God. Fucking hell. Oh, well, hey, that's the life of a full-time podcaster, I guess.

It's so fucking dumb. It's so dumb. Trying to explain it. I think that's a big part of hating the holidays is like comedy has always been a hard thing to explain to elderly relatives. But then once you put the element of podcasting into it, it's just this thing that makes absolutely no sense. Yeah.

Yeah. People just immediately assuming that you're making no money and it's not a real thing yeah all that sort of stuff which is you know a lot of it's true yes a lot of people yes uh but not us not us um so what we also do is we read out the names uh it's a highly anticipated segment of the show where people are crossing their tiny little fingers hoping that this is the week that the Unplanned Title Alternator spits out your name and you become famous forever. Yeah. You go down in the anals of history.

Yes. Shall we say. Go down in the rectums of history. Go down in the up the bum no babies of history. Yes. And for anyone listening to this on the day it's come out, maybe you were a bit disappointed yesterday. Maybe you opened your stocking and found a big lump of coal in there.

You're hoping that today yields greater rewards. Yes. You're hoping that your little name, we reach into the stocking and pull out your name. Yes. So good luck, everyone. You're hoping that Santa comes down the chimney and goes, oh, this is a bit of a weird one.

Mr. Dumb Cunt. That's a bit of foreshadowing. All right. Fire it up. Look, by the way, we've stopped doing something that we started doing, weirdly enough. We did have an enemies list there for a while. Oh, yeah, yeah.

We've left it go. We've left it for like two weeks. We left it go. Anyway, should we get back to it after this? Maybe. Who knows? Yeah, yeah. We've left it go. We've left it for like two weeks. We left it go. Anyway. Should we get back to it after this? Maybe. Who knows? Yeah, okay. Would you want to think?

Have you got anyone off the top of your head? Oh, any enemies off the top of my head? I've been trying to cleanse myself of negative thoughts. I haven't really been thinking about enemies too much. Yeah. Yeah, I guess it's a bad time of year to bring up enemies. It's Christmas. Well, and we're recording this before like Christmas Eve afternoon.

So if we were to record this like tomorrow or the day after, maybe on my enemies would be old Saint Nick because I didn't get what I want. Right. Oh, now you want something. A smooch from Carl Chan. Oh, okay. What if I told mum that, mum, this is the only thing I want. So if you can make this happen.

Your mum would be ringing me again. Please give my boy a little kiss. I can't promise about the little bit. All right. You in a wig, Bugs Bunny style. Yeah, yeah. Do you want to trick me? Yeah.

Jessica Rabbit style. Okay. I've hit the big red button And we have a name Great Thank you to Patreon subscriber Cody Win Cody

Win W-Y-N-N-E Win Win I guess so I'd say win It wouldn't be winny No

I'd say win It's not wine Yeah Is it Wine No Two N's indicates win to me I think win

Cody win Yeah Well it's a real win for us getting this money. It's like his name is named after if you had put $50 on a certain friend of the show sticking 60 fucking pictures of his baby on Instagram a day. Oh, I've had a Cody win. Here's what I've been meaning to ask you. here's what i've been meaning to ask you so with yeah you saying we've been saying that about cody with social media and instagram and his baby now when your baby comes along you've said you're not

going to put it on social media but i presume we will be talking about it on this podcast now is that not in some ways sort of the same thing i I will be doing my very best to not. So we're talking about it this much in the lead up, and then all of a sudden the baby's out, and then it's just we don't ever talk about it again. Well, when you say we're talking about it so much, we weren't talking about it for a long time. Yeah.

You weren't talking about it for a long time. Well, neither were you. Yeah, because I didn't know. Well, yes. Not by choice. Well, yes. If I'd had the option of talking about it, I would have talked about it. Well, then that's you, not me though, isn't it?

See? Okay. I'm playing it cool. But come on. You mean to tell me the baby does something funny. You're not going to be coming in here going, this is good shit. I'm not. I'm not saying that at all.

I'm saying, oh, look, if it starts absolutely spinning gold, then here we go. Yeah. But, you know, you tend to not – like even Nick Cody has said to me, oh, I was really worried about, you know, being one of those comedians who has a baby and then all you can talk about is a baby. But thank God I'm not. And it's like, have you met Nick Cody? Have you met your Instagram account? Have you met your Instagram account? But I think it's like so much of what people put onto the internet and social media and stuff where once it's you and once it's your own one, something breaks in your brain where

you go, this is objectively the best thing ever. Right. So to you, it's like, look at what he's doing. Yeah. And to everyone else, it's like, who gives a fuck? Yes. Like you've lost the ability to have any kind of rational kind of view of it i agree i agree exactly that that's what it is and so that is my i i'd like to think

i'm one step ahead with that which is why i didn't bring up the whole uh uh pregnancy thing earlier because i'm like well that's sort of our business and i don't want to bore people with it like if i was hearing i've seen people go on and on about engagements and pregnancies and all that sort of stuff and I'm like, oh, I don't need to hear – like everyone does it. At some stage, everyone's going to do it. So I don't need to fucking read about it and hear about it all the time. So that is my gift to society that you didn't have to hear about it for six months.

But in a roundabout way, you then did end up talking about your wedding for close to a year. But that's interesting. Sure. But that's what I'm saying. But everyone thinks that. No one's putting stuff up out there about their lives going, I'm putting this up even though I think it's boring.

I think my content that's come out of my life events holds up. I think I'm only talking about the interesting bits and I think people have enjoyed it all. Imagine someone who's like older than us and not jacked into the internet here in this conversation. Just be like, what the fuck are you talking about? What do you think it was though, like before Instagram and stuff and people sharing kids and engagements and shit on that? What was the equivalent?

Was there one? Was there a thing where it's like, you know what I mean, where people would get annoyed by people's babies? Well, I guess that was like slide night. People used to do stuff like that. Yeah, okay, that's what it – inviting someone around to your house to go check out these photos I took on this holiday.

Yeah. Yeah, okay. Which is, you know, which Facebook has replaced. There's no more slide night. Facebook is just a slide night that never ends. Yes. That you're trapped in for all eternity. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Slide night that you can watch on the train. Yes. On the shitter. Yeah. That you can jack off to. You couldn't jack off. Like if someone's on holidays, on the beach in a bikini, you're watching it a slide night, hard to jack off.

Yes. But you put it on the internet, boom. You can jack off on the train. I think that's what Zuckerberg's dream was all along. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He knew that that's what we were going to get to. Yeah, yeah jack off. Yes. But you put it on the internet, boom, you can jack off on the train. I think that's what Zuckerberg's dream was all along. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He knew that that's what we were going to get to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right.

Thanks, Cody. Thanks, Cody. I'm always interested in where we get from. Cody Wynn to jacking off on the train. Right. Good. It feels like it happens every week. Yeah.

It's just whatever the name is, we end up talking about jacking off on the train. It happens every week. Yeah. It's just whatever the name is, we end up talking about jacking off on the train. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. I feel like we're going to have some problems here. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Rebecca Johnston Ryan, as in Johnston slash or hyphen Ryan, hyphenated last name. Okay.

RJR. Yeah. RJR. Yeah. Not ideal. No. I'll tear it to surnames. But if the Johnson wasn't in there, then it'd just be Rebecca Ryan. Yeah.

And I would be very not into that. I'd be into it. Really? Yeah. I don't mind it. I don't mind it at all. See, that's the thing. Now we still have not thought of baby names at all, but're starting to go right well you know is it going to be a uh like cody's cody's kid is

called charlie you know charlie chandler imagine if we did that yeah okay that would be what's your point it would be you've now your point? It would be... We've now got to start to think of complimentary names to the surname. So what your process of elimination is just imagining calling your baby the name of someone else's baby. No. And that wouldn't work for me. Because it's Chit Chit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. I actually think that sounds cool. Oh, you like that? Chit Chit, yeah. See, the alliter... What is it? It's alliteration, isn't ititerate what is it it's alliteration isn't it when it's almost more than alliteration that's what i mean so alliteration i'm not into but the sound the same sounds backing up is kind of charlie chandler yeah it's more uh

not alliteration phonetication i don't know i just made up a word yep um um that i mean i'm gonna rule that one out it does feel like though a though, a name like that, I don't know, your kid's going to grow up to be, I don't know, pretty cool. Don't you think? It's got a show-busy kind of... I think it's got a Marvel Comics. He's going to grow up to be bitten by a radioactive fucking helicopter or something and turn into a superhero.

A radioactive helicopter. Yes. Bitten by it. Yes. That's pretty cool. A human with the abilities of a helicopter would be pretty great. That's, well, I don't trust helicopters. I don't think I've ever been in one, and I don't think I ever will be.

They look fucked. What would you rather go in, helicopter or hot air balloon? Hot air balloon. Really? Yeah. Wow. I will never go in a hot air balloon. Really?

Never. You look at it, and it's like, this is nothing. Yeah. Wow. I will never go in a hot air balloon. Really? Never. You look at it and it's like, this is nothing. At least a helicopter is like a complex piece of machinery. Yes. A hot air balloon is just literally you in the air on a piece of wood. Yeah. There's nothing going on. In a picnic basket.

Yeah. Yeah. I was playing a video game the other day where you're in a hot air balloon, and even that stressed me out. I was like, this isn't safe. I was playing a video game the other day where you're in a hot air balloon and even that stressed me out. I was like, this isn't safe. I was anxious. This is stressing me out that you're playing video games when you're in a hot air balloon, you fucking idiot.

Wow, the wonders of technology. You just told me you would never go in a hot air balloon, but you'd go play a video game where you go on a hot air balloon But you'd go play a video game Where you go on a hot air balloon Yeah But even But that's my point That is so depressing

Even that made me anxious I was like I'm going to die up here I'm like If I can't handle a virtual representation of it How am I going to handle the real thing? Oh my god Fucking hell

Sonic the Hedgehog has gotten lame Oh man Oh, my God. Fucking hell. Sonic the Hedgehog has gotten lame. Oh, man. Look, I don't think I'll go on a hot air balloon, but I would much rather do that. I just think helicopter, death machine. There's just so many. It's like light aircraft.

Too many accidents. Too many times I see fucking one blowing up, crashing into something. No good. I wonder what the stats are on helicopter crashes versus hot air balloons. I would love to know that. Yeah. Absolutely love to know that because I feel like just imagining it now, hot air balloon crashes, it's like that would just be like a very gentle crash.

What are you talking about? I just can't imagine there ever being too many bad things happening with it. I guess I've heard of some going into power lines. What about this? You and I, I get in a helicopter, you get in a hot air balloon. And we race around the world. And at the same time, we see who dies first. We just both stay up in the air for as long as we can,

and whoever dies first loses. We race around the world. We've got 80 days to get from Melbourne. How common are hot air balloon accidents? Since 1964, the National Transportation Safety Board has investigated 775 hot air balloon incidents in the United States, 70 involving fatalities. So that's over 700 Since 1964

That's not too bad I know but I thought that initially There's probably about 800 hot air balloons There's probably fuck all How many people are going in them And then Fatal helicopter accident rates Are falling

3.19 accidents 3.19 accidents per 100,000 flight hours. I don't like it. I think helicopters are safer. No, I think they suck. Fuck helicopters. I'm counting a hot air balloon all the way. Man, imagine that.

Imagine if some people are scared of flying or scared of whatever, and it's like, famous soccer soccer player, Dennis Bergkamp, who was a great player, he would not fly, so he would have to, he played for Arsenal amongst other teams, but when he played for Arsenal, he'd play in the European Cup and he'd have to go overseas to play different countries, clubs in different countries, and he refused to fly. He was like the great B.A. Baracus.

Yes. Dennis, it was like the Dutch, IA. Baracus. Yes. Then it was like the Dutch. I don't know how to do a Dutch accent, but he would be like, I ain't getting in no plane full in Dutch. Nice, very good. You can do a Dutch accent. Can I?

Yeah, you did one on TV once. Yeah, I attempted to do one. I was paid to do one. No, that was years ago. I swore I'd never put on the hat again. Really? Yeah. Well, he would not fly fly so he refused so he had to get the train and buses and stuff everywhere so everyone would

be like oh we got to go and play in austria cool well that's an hour flight oh okay it's a fucking seven day fucking bus for you though dennisberg camp so off you try i remember someone telling me they wanted to go and do the edinburgh years and years and years ago, but they were too scared of flying, so they had looked into getting a boat there. And it was like months. Yeah, right. Wow. Months to go to Edinburgh, lose money hand over fist, be performing to three people a night. Oh, my God.

Yeah, I'm surprised there's even possibilities to do that. Yeah. But I love that. That's a great example. Like, imagine being that person going, I can't fly, I can't do that. Yeah. But I love that. That's a great example. Like, imagine being that person going, I can't fly, I can't do that. Or someone so scared of helicopters and planes, they'll go in the air, but only hot air balloon. Yes. Or, but even that, like, I'm too scared of the flight.

I think being on a fucking boat, to me, way scarier. Yes. Way, way scarier. I agree. I don't want to, I don't think I've ever been, I know I've never been on a cruise or anything like that

but I keep my boating to an absolute minimum. I got the Spirit of Tasmania one year and Also not cool naming a, if you're scared

of being on a boat naming it after a ghost. Yes, yes. Yeah, and just scary stuff. Yeah. Like once it's dark and you're looking at your out, you know, you're looking around all the windows, there's just nothing.

Yeah. It's terrifying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's no good. A friend of Xavier Makalides, he went to, he went from Samui to Copenhagen. Uh-huh. And it ruined his whole holiday because that trip, and it's only a small trip, and I've never seen weather like this, but he got there on a particularly bad weather day.

Ah, yeah. It's only a small trip. I've never seen weather like this, but he got there on a particularly bad weather day. And it was insanely choppy. And he was on the boat going, I'm going to die. Which I always take into account when I'm traveling from that island to the other island. The little trick is, for some reason, there's better weather in the morning than there is the afternoon. So you don't get the afternoon boat. You get the morning boat. Thanks, Rebecca. Yeah. Thanks, Rebecca. Yeah.

There we go. Thank you, too. Wait, hang on. A boat, another form of transport, a train that you can jack off on. Oh, nice. Thanks, Rebecca. Yeah. Why can't you jack off in a hot air balloon?

That would be good. You could, yeah. Yeah. Busting over the side of a hot air balloon. Yeah. Oh, bird shit on me. Yes. Great. That's be good. You could, yeah. Yeah. Busting over the side of a hot air balloon. Yeah. Oh, bird shit on me. Yes. Great.

That's pretty great. You're walking around like, look at this. I've got bird shit on my hat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then people going, I don't know how to break this to you, buddy. That's male cum. But also, I love the idea of someone looking at it going, that's not bird shit. I know exactly what that is.

Oh, great. Someone walking down the street, the cum goes on their head, and there's just a guy from CSI with the torch putting it straight into their head in daylight. That is sperm. I should have tried to do that in the video game. Yeah. I can nut out the side of this hot air balloon in Red Dead Redemption 2. Oh, no, I was going to say, were you playing Leisure Suit Larry? Yeah.

Because that could have been a possibility. And the horny hot air balloon. Yeah. Just a big team up of Leisure Suit Larry and Phineas Fogg. Thanks, Rebecca. Phineas Fapp. Yeah. Now, this is interesting.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber Chris Wedlock. Ooh. Yeah. Interesting. What do you think about that? I think that's a very interesting surname. I wonder if he's, you know, if he talks the talk, but does he walk the walk? Yeah, yeah.

So, speaking of my upcoming release, Baby, that was definitely conceived in wedlock. Yeah. Not a bastard. No. Not a... What do you call a... Do you still call a girl conceived out of wedlock a bastard? Yeah, I don't know.

Because surely you don't call them a bitch. No. That would be very weird. But I mean, I don't know. Because surely you don't call them a bitch. No. That would be very weird. But I mean, bastard is very weird. Yeah, but they're both words that get used as insults for people. But so bastards, yeah, its technical meaning is conceived out of wedlock. Yes. Bitch is a dog.

Dog, yeah. So it can't be conceived out of wedlock. Maybe it is just still a bastard, even though it only ever gets used as a derogative term towards men. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. It's, yeah. Can you look it up?

Should I look it up? Can girls be bastards? Yeah. Is that a... Yeah, you try it. Am I going to get... What was it? Chris Wedlock?

Yes. What's next? Who's after this? Chris confirmed bachelor? Can girls be bastards? Fuck, I love this. I love the suggested one before that. This is the greatest image.

You with your knees up, lappy on there, still trying to talk into the mic with about eight chins as you fucking work your mouth towards the microphone. You know how you get the suggested searches that you're doing? Yep. One that was coming up then was, can girls be blind? And what's the answer? Okay, the first page that comes up is not helping me.

For the bastard thing? Yeah, it's just... There's a lot of shit talk that doesn't really... I've got... It's looking like you have to use it for both sexes. Okay. Yeah, I think. I think you can be a female bastard. Okay.

So progressive. Yeah, that's cool. It's such a female bastard. Okay. So progressive. Yeah, that's cool. It's such a woke term. It's 2018. It's nearly 2019. Yeah, I think that's it. All right. Are you going to do anything for New Year's Eve?

What made you ask that after me asking about... I was talking about a female bastard. Because I'm thinking of conceiving a child out of wedlock. Oh, right, right, right. No, just because you said it's nearly 2019. Oh, okay. No, I've got no plan. Zero plan.

Interesting. Yep. Is that interesting? I'm not sure if it is. It says, I'm learning a lot. Having nothing to do for New Year's Eve. It is interesting. Is that interesting?

I don't know. I've learned a little bit about you. That you don't have plans. Yeah. Okay. I reckon you could have guessed that. Okay. All right.

Yes. Female. Female bastard. Okay. Not female bastard. Just bastard. Just bastard. Yep.

Yep. I wonder if you could... What would the female version of bastard be just as a pure name like as in actor and actress? Okay. Bastet. Bastet. Bastet. Bastet. I like that. B-A-S-T-E. That's what we used to call them in the 60s right dad it's bastard now yeah yeah yeah bastard bastardess bastardess

yeah like a stewardess yeah yeah yeah bastardess um very interesting but also chris wedlock as we always talk about the the surname that comes out of like what they do for a living or whatever, like someone started this, this strain of family by going, check it out. We're married and we did a root and we've got a kid out of it. Yeah. We're the ones that did it. Everyone else.

They really, in many ways, probably are the first family you know because they just like got to the name first well maybe you know what because everyone's got their names named after what they did these guys were obviously fucking unemployed and we're just stretching yeah okay well we don't have a job they were not going to be called johnny and fucking mary unemployed yeah so oh well we had kids when we were married, so that's something. Maybe that was their job. Maybe they were like professional swingers or something.

Oh, professional breeders. Yeah. They were having litters of children and selling them off. Yeah. So in that way, Mrs. Wedlock, a real bitch. Yeah. Can you, and look, this is unrelated to my present situation. How legal is it to sell a child?

Very much illegal. Right. Absolutely. Your question is, how legal is it to sell a child? Yes. It's illegal. Right. But people want to adopt children.

So. Are you doing one of your jokes to me? No, no, no, no. no this does sound i do have a joke this sounds a little bit like you said it in the exact same rhythm of one of your jokes i do have a joke it's like this but it's it's a genuine thing where so there are people that people that have kids that don't want them there are people that want to adopt kids they don't have any yeah and there's a lot of paperwork in the middle. Yeah. About whether they should get them or shouldn't get them. And there's a lot of middlemen.

There's no just... Just chuck one on Gumtree is what you're saying. Yeah. Like, what's so wrong about that? I'm sure there's a lot of possibilities of things going wrong. Exactly. It's just what's wrong with it is it's against the law. Right.

That's like going, there's this guy and I don't want him around anymore. So I just kill him and now he's not around. Now, the middleman's gone. What's so wrong with that? Well, that's death. So that's bad. No one's dying in this story. No one's dying in this story.

He has too much money. I have not enough money. So I go to his house and I just take some of that money. Now, what's so wrong with that? I'm just saying someone wants a kid, someone doesn't want their kid. I just think the middleman, I think big adoption is making too much money out of this thing. You stressed at the start that this isn't related to your present situation, but you've put a lot of thought into this by the sounds of it.

You're really trying to work this out. If you've listened to the last minute of what I've said, I think you would say, I haven't put much thought into it. But you're on some kind of fact-finding mission. You're clearly very invested in getting the answer that I think you want. No, I think it's just an interesting idea. And I'm trying to put

those ideas into your head and see what you think about it. That's all. You want to sell your baby to me? No. No. No, I don't. I'll get a look at it once it comes out and then I'll work out what my offer is. Right, right, right.

No, I don't want to break up your jumping in a hot air balloon on a video game action. Yes, yes. You've got a busy day ahead of you. No, I could still do that. Oh, really? With the papoose on. Fuck, am I going to get a papoose on Fuck am I gonna get a Papoose Is it the best name

Of anything on the planet Papoose Yeah Call your kid that Papoose Chandler Oh god Fuck We should make

We should make little We should make Dumb dumb Papooses Fuck Fuck What Look no Someone put on One of the Facebook groups the other day

You know, they put What, I will be aware of the little dum-dum club Oh yeah, yeah, yeah On a little, you know, tiny little jumpsuit thing Yep And it got a lot of likes, got a lot of love I mean, maybe Maybe we should do something like that

I mean, a lot of our listeners have kids It's probably not the worst idea to get some But let us know. Would you buy baby merch if we started making it? Yeah. And you know what the good thing is? And maybe this should be an off-air discussion, but kids grow out of stuff so quickly.

So you know what I mean? We're making multiple sizes of these things. Oh. You sell a new one every three months. Yeah, right. Could we... We shouldn't make children sizes of our shirts. That's one thing to make clothing that small because the baby clearly doesn't listen, doesn't understand anything.

It's funny. Imagine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Doesn't know what it's wearing. Ha, ha, suck shit. Yeah. But you can't make a shirt for an eight-year-old or a nine-year-old because a lot of the talk on this show is a lot of the yeah it's it's not appropriate for like an eight or nine year old so there's a big gap it's like up until about one or two years old yeah absolute maximum yes and then just a

chasm until like until all of a sudden you're fucking 150 kilos and we're selling you a six xl shirt yeah there's a big gap between yeah there's a big wilderness in there. We've got nothing for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry all the 10-year-olds out there, but we don't know what to do. You got your little

jumpsuit on when you're eight months old and then we go, oh well, see you in about 17, 18 years. Exactly. And then they come back

and then we sell them an XL shirt. Yeah. Yeah. Like a, no, not like that. I was going to say like a fish you catch and then kiss and then throw it back into the ocean. But that would then imply that you then catch that same fish again.

Yes. Which would be fucking hard. Yeah. But impressive. Very impressive. That'd be amazing. Thanks, Chris. Thanks, Chris.

Fucking hell. Can we speed this up, please? Yeah. Have you got somewhere to go? I've got so many places to go. Oh, sorry. Okay. Fuck. We keep getting interesting names. please. Yeah. Have you got somewhere to go? I've got so many places to go. Oh, sorry. Okay. All right. Fuck, we keep getting interesting names. Yeah, yeah.

My computer's broken and I need to fix it in order to get what we're recording right now online. So rest assured, listeners, when you're hearing this, you've heard the end of a process of me driving all over town trying to fix my fucking computer on Christmas Eve. Great shit. Yeah, sorry. You don't have an SD card reader in that computer, do you? No. It's one of those new ones that doesn't have anything in it. Yeah, no.

It's one of those very advanced computers that is very hard to get to do anything. Yeah. It's fucking awesome. It's a fucking absolute pain in the ass to put headphones in, put... Oh, it's got no headphone jack no i know it does but you know how it's like so this is an apple yeah you can't plug your apple headphones into it uh you know like your earbuds yeah yeah you can't plug them into it so it's got no headphone port no it does it's got the old circular oh the old circular one yeah right but wouldn't you think

oh they're using the lightning port now for the phone you mean the one from the phone yeah okay yeah it's shit anyway me going let's speed this up which then leads to a discussion about ports on a computer yes get back to the hardback books uh thank you to patreon subscriber and look this is not gonna fast this is not gonna quick anything up quicken anything up this is this is not gonna fast oh whoops i mean this is not going to quick anything up. Quicken anything up. This is not going to fast. Oh, whoops. I mean, this is not going to quick anything up. Yes. Luckily, I fixed my misspeaking there.

Nearly slipped up but evaded you at the last second. Take it away to the subscriber, David Cox. Oh, good Lord. You know what? I better tell my family I'm not making it down to Fish Creek tonight. Settling, buddy. Look, I'll just see you guys tomorrow morning. This episode's going to be out a week late.

Sorry, guys. Well, you know, getting money into the bank account, I guess what I'd like to say is that makes my David real hard. Yeah. Well, I just love that we're getting a big old cash injection from from david cox yeah yeah he's just uh absolutely unloading within our bank account just ramming it in yeah and then uh it happens every month so it's like he puts it in yeah then it you know then it sort of comes out a bit then it goes back in yeah and by him doing

that it's sort of the opposite of that time of the month, if you know what I mean. Yeah. I guess I do know what you mean. Thank you. Thank you for understanding. Oh, David. Yeah.

What a life you must have had. I know. What a life. Yeah. What a school career you've had. Oh, man. Anytime you see someone with a name like that past the age of about, I guess, 20, and they're A, alive, like haven't necked themselves,

and they seem somewhat well-adjusted, it's like, how bulletproof must you be? Yeah. Like, you must just be able to withstand. I guess it's good in the sense, it's just like baptism by fire. Yeah. That would be pretty good if you want to have your kid be- It's like Boy Called Sue. Yeah.

It's like if you want your kid to be impenetrable to bullying, you change their last name to just Fuckstick. Yeah. So, here's my son, Johnny Fuckstick, and you put them through school, and you're like, I'm doing this for your own good. Yeah, but Fuckstick's too much. You can't do that, because it's all there for you, I think. Because imagine you call Johnny Fuckstick, and someone comes up and goes, oh, Fuckstick, and you just go, no shit, idiot.

That's just my name. You haven't added anything to it. More like Johnny Cuntstick. So if your name was Johnny Cum, I think that would be... Okay, so you do that. Yeah. So you call your daughter Johnny Cum. Yes.

And you're like, trust me, when you're 20 and no words can affect you in any way whatsoever, you'll be thanking me because you'll have that guerrilla instinct. You'll be able to rise to the top of any field because you'll be absolutely unshakable. Yeah. She'll just be some sort of guerrilla warfare expert in the army, just absolutely killing people in the middle of a desert for a living. Yeah. And I'll be like, you're welcome.

Yeah. I've ruined your life and many other people's lives because I've created a killer. A girl called Johnny Cum. I've created a killer. A girl called Johnny Cum. And not even the female Johnny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. With a Y at the end. The most embarrassing part of her name.

Oh, fuck. Yeah. Thanks, David. Oh, fuck. Is that all we're doing for David? Well, it's, you know, it's sort of like... We've let him off easy. It's like you said, it's almost too easy.

Yeah. You know, the other ones we had to work to getting to jerking off over a hot air balloon. Yeah. But this was like, it was just all there for us, wrapped up in a neat little package. Yeah. Well, anyway, I guess, yeah, look, it's a weird life for people that have grown up with a weird sort of a name that there's potential to make fun of. It's an interesting journey in life that they've gone through.

Yeah, look, it must be interesting. Always happy to hear from people and let us know what it's been like. What are you getting at here? Anyway, we'll just do one more since you've got to go. We'll do number five here. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Ejaculate Comedy. That's crazy that we were just talking about all that and then that is what randomly came up.

Yeah, I mean. That's never really happened before. There's coincidences in life, I guess. Yeah, I agree. I'm saying we're living through one of them right now. If anything, this is extremely spooky. Right, right. Now I understand what you're living through one of them right now. If anything, this is extremely spooky. Right, right. Now I understand what you're saying.

My point being, that is a coincidence because comedy would be an embarrassing name to go through your life. 100%. Yeah, yeah. Anytime you were even slightly sad, just, oh, look, comedy's done it again. What's the matter? Yeah.

You're at your funeral for your dad. Oh, not so comedy now, is it? Hey? Going to change your name for the day, eh, mate? Getting a heckle out the front of your parents' funeral. Someone walking in on you having a root. Oh, it looks like a bit of romantic comedy at the moment, isn't it? A bit rom-com, are we?

Yep, yep. Very good. Very, very good. National Anthem starts playing. Oh, look at this guy. Stand-up comedy now. Oh, look at him. Okay.

Yeah. Okay. So you go, look, a bird. Oh, a bit of observational comedy. Oh, great. Yeah. Falling over physical comedy. Fuck.

I can't wait to go back to school and be in the same class as someone with a last name. Or someone with the name Ejaculate Comedy. That would be very funny. So it's the film Billy Madison, but instead of your rich dad making you go back to school because he bought your way through, it's you voluntarily doing it yourself so that you can bully people. That actually is great a piece of shit grown man re-enrolling in prep and not even not even worrying about the work like the opposite not even deliberately getting kept down so you can keep hanging shit on people in prep.

It's like the first scene is like you breaking into the school to see like who's been enrolled for next year. And if you like the look of the names, if you feel like there's good bullying potential there, that's the school that you enroll in. Yes. Or even if you're really rich, this is the big plan. The long game is you establish your own very top quality school. Yes, here we go.

You get so many submissions. Here we go, yep. And then you only take the people with the names that you want to fuck around with. So you're like, what's his name? The head of the X-Men. Oh, yeah. He's an ex of bullying. Slash undercover boss.

So then I go undercover as a prep school student and I'm just a 42-year-old man in a prep school hanging shit on someone with the last name Cox. No, no, but what it is is you're rich. You've set up the school. You've got, you know, you've personally selected all the students there. You also make yourself the principal.

So then when kids are acting up, they're getting sent into your office and they're like oh please no don't make me go in there and instead of being reprimanded they're they're just it's just you they walk in hang dog expression and it's you oh yeah here he is no that's not good though because then you're gonna wait for that to happen you're sitting in the principal's office for too long the thing is you make yourself a student so then when you get in trouble it's like oh do you want to be sent to the principal's i am the fucking principal this is my office now this is such a good movie we have to make this it's like part oceans 11 part billy madison part fucking i don't know, basketball diaries. Part bad boy Bobby.

Part gummo. Part freaks. Part a beautiful mind. All right, guys. 2019, that's the plan. We're crowdfunding this movie. All right. Well, thanks to Jackulate.

And thank you, guys. Thanks for listening. Thanks for supporting the show all year on the Patreon. And, yeah, come to the live shows, all that kind of stuff. It's very much appreciated by us. Like we said, yes. We've got the pop-up shop coming up as well. Yes, January the 11th at Dangerfork. We're taking that over, doing the little Dum Dum Club pop-up shop coming up as well. Yes, January the 11th at Dangerfork.

We're taking that over, doing the little Dum Dum Club pop-up shop. For one evening only, we're going to have a bunch of merch. We're going to have some exclusive stuff. We're going to have free beer, thanks to Young Henry's. Have a look on the social medias. We'll have all that info on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. So you will find the address, the times, the dates, all of that sort of stuff. It's going to be a lot of fun.

Yes, thanks for listening. We'll see you next week and take care. See you, mates.