The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 432 - Tommy Little & Luke McGregor

Episode Date: January 16, 2019

This week we're at the hunkiest house in Melbourne comedy to catch up with our pals TOMMY LITTLE and LUKE McGREGOR. We learn how to operate a TV, reminisce about high school tomfoolery, hear about McGregor's injuries from Japan AND we wrap up all the action from our pop-up shop!Don't forget, we have a heap of live shows coming up: BRISBANE! You guys are awesome so we're coming back. March 17, 4pm. CANBERRA! We're back for one night only. March 23, 5pm. MELBOURNE! We're doing another month of huge shows at the Comedy Festival. Saturday March 30, April 6, April 13 & April 20, 4:30pm. We're also doing an extra show: Late Night Dum Dum. Friday April 5, 11:55pm. For tickets, merchandise, links to our Patreon and heaps of other stuff, head to our website: littledumdumclub.com  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with special guests, Tommy Little and Luke McGregor. First of all, though, we've got to let you know about a couple of live dates that we have coming up. Brisbane, we are there doing a big live podcast Sunday, March the 17th at the Woolly Mammoth Bar. It is going to be huge. It's not a big bumper show.

It's just the one podcast with some absolutely awesome guests locked in. So that's going to be great. Come and check that out. Then next week, Carl, what are we doing? Canberra? Yep. On the 23rd? That's a Saturday.

Yes, that's a Saturday the 23rd. Again, it's just a solo, not a solo, but like just a pure podcast. Pure, unfiltered podcast. Also that night I am doing my solo show, Balding Cherub. You can get tickets to that as well. Come check that out. Very much looking forward to being back in Canberra. And then the week after that we start a month of shows in April,

Saturdays, 4.30 p.m. That's for Melbourne? Yep. Of course. 4.30 on Saturdays. There's an extra special late night show on one of those Saturday nights. Yeah, Friday at midnight. Or Saturday at midnight, however you classify it.

I think I've put it in as Friday at 11.59pm because I couldn't fucking work out. No, that's a good thing to do. I still don't know what... Midnight is the next day, isn't it? Yeah, yes. Okay, cool. So that's right.

This is the kind of stuff we'll be talking about in this show, in the late night show. Should be good. And then, of course, Koh Samui's coming up and it's the right time right now to get your bookings in with the Ozo Choeing Samui Resort so all that stuff is on the website

the dates of Koh Samui are 11th to the 16th all the information we'll talk a bit more about it on the back end but littledumbdumbclub.com for all your tickets

and stuff until then enjoy this new episode with Tommy Little and Luke McGregor. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us.

My name is Tommy Daslow. And with me, as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. We are here in... What would you dub this place that we're in? I think it was described just before as the Fuck Palace. Yeah, but that's Luke McGregor's words. That's what it says on my bedroom door. Well, we are here at Root Rat HQ.

Please welcome into the little Dumb Dumb Club, Tommy Little and Luke McGregor. Thanks very much. Thanks for having us. We're in the grotto of the Pov-Cunt Playboy Mansion, I believe. So you're calling, because just for context for the listeners, Little and McGregor live together. We're in their house at the moment. And you just call it Pov-Cunt Playboy?

Well, it's not as good as the Playboy Mansion. Relative to the Playboy Mansion, yes. I just love how you've given your own nickname to my house. Yes. The Pov-Cunt Playboy has called this. I'm feeling pretty comfortable. I've been here for five minutes. And I live with Tommy's very fairest description.

Like Tommy has. No, we live together. We do live together. That's true. You saying that you live with me makes it sound like you walk around like holding my pockets. Like we live together. I feel like you don't have the closest relationship living here because five minutes before we started this,

you guys were saying, what do you have for lunch? How's that? What do you have for breakfast? You guys, it sounds like you're on a date. You've never met each other. He asked me, how many meals a day do you eat? Yeah. Because I didn't want to, because you boys,

I didn't want to go, what the fuck are you talking about? And then you started listing the three meals of the day. Breakfast, lunch, and then left a space for me to guess the third. But it sounds like you have no idea what each of you do. I see Tommy in the morning and then he goes off and does cool stuff the whole day and then I see him in the evening. So I don't know what's happening in between those times. This conversation kicked off while I was out of the room so i came back in and you're sitting here

little going you know your breakfast you go to a cafe then my lunch i'd probably go and like what the fuck started this conversation you know you know you have friends you're close to but then you're like there are some like really fundamental details like i actually don't know that like this is going to be hurtful no but like i don't know where they went to primary school or something like there's just little bits with pieces where Tommy's last night yes I just like you said you said you know how you have those friends that you're close to and then there was a pause and I thought you were going to say, and then there's Tommy.

But, you know, you miss out on these little fundamental details. Like we've all got a – maybe I am just a shit friend. You're definitely not a shit friend. But, like, I might not know, like I've got people who, I feel like I should know but I don't know how many kids I've got or whether I have siblings. Do you know how many kids Tommy's got? Yeah, because that would be you and me both.

Not knowing me well enough. Yeah, what are some other big things you don't know? I found one, buddy. We can use this podcast to get to the bottom of it. Any questions you've got for your podcast? Tommy, I don't know. Talking about Tommy Dessler here. I don't know where he went to primary school.

I don't know. Do you know Tommy's real last name? Or Slop. Close enough. It's close enough. Once again, the motto of the PovCunt Playboy Mansion. Or Slop. Or Slop. Yeah slop. All slop.

Yeah, that's it. All slop. That's it. Yeah. That's fine. Do you know my middle name? No. I can guess where you went to primary school.

Go for it. I don't. Private school. No. Well, Brighton Way? No. Is that in none of those details correct? No.

Oh. See? See? He was in hospital from the age of three until 12. So, yeah. I was educated by the Starlight Foundation. Just a lot of Super Nintendo and fucking Gumby videos. I feel like I'm allowed to laugh, but not as hard as you just did.

How many meals are we talking? On a list of breakfasts? I'll have three meals, but all slop. There's a McDonald's in the hospital, and they do all three meals of the day. Was it not like a Trinity or a... Oh, okay. No. Primary school.

Well, high school, you were definitely a private school boy. I went to private school from year seven. But before that, I went to a state school. Okay. Whereabouts? Carl didn't know. No. I don't know anything about schools.

Because I'm from Maryborough. It's like there's three schools. The high, that's where you go if you've ever read a book. The tech, that's where you go if you've never read a book. And the CCC, which is a Christian community college. You've never heard of a book? If you're a fucking religious freak family. Okay. And that's it. Which one did you go to? I book and the ccc which is a christian community college if you're a fucking religious freak family okay and that's it which one did you go to i went to the high

right because i've read a book okay right what book uh prisoner of azkaban no no no one issue of grug back to front cover to cover finish it in a day don't want to brag but knock that bad boy off in an afternoon they had a competition one year Of who could read The most books in a year And I'm like I fucking got this I was a really good reader And then this cunt Beat me

He pit me at the post Because he started Like listing asterisks And rintintin Or whatever the fuck it is No Obelix Rintintin

What's it called Tintin Rintintin's a dog It's asterisks right Not asterisks Asterisks is a No he was reading A comic book about Asterisks, right? Not asterisks. Asterisks is a... No, he was reading a comic book about... Asterisks.

Apostasy. Yeah, yeah. He just read the bit of punctuation and he's like, that's a book as far as I'm concerned. What have you done? Well, there was full stop. That actually ended abruptly. Yeah.

I read a book about period that was not what I was expecting, but yeah. I used to find it so funny to hide those because at the library at our um high school had a beeper like an alarm so if you if in case you're stealing books books that you can just get for free so yeah but you've got it you've got to bring them back yeah because we had like you know a handful of books on graffiti that of course everyone would just steal yeah and so i found it so funny to put all the period and what's happening to me books and hide them in my mates great book so as they walk out did you ever do the trick of like pinching the security bits off

the book and then just putting a heap of them in someone's oh the best yeah so good and i stayed in high school till i was 25 i was doing that joke for a long time i'm tempted to get my teaching degree just to go back and keep fucking up kids with it now to just halt people from leaving the library for a minute yeah yeah i think we talked about that on the show recently the idea of like doing a billy madison where you go back to school but it's not to like further your education it's to just for the prime bullying opportunities oh we're just going back to tip walkers and yeah even better being like a real nerd like answering every question correct boom got it that is the difference of the mcgregor and the little yeah yeah i do it you really don't know what each other has for breakfast i think it it's something that we had a substitute teacher.

You know how so often your substitute teacher would come in and they'd just resign to either wheeling the TV in or like silent reading or something that wasn't an actual thing. I remember science, we had a substitute teacher and we'd never met this teacher before and clearly they'd come in with dangerous minds. I'm going to, like Michelle, I'm going to rock these kids. Just seen it the night before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. met this teacher before and clearly they'd come in with a dangerous minds i'm gonna like michelle i'm gonna rock these kids just seen it the night before her yeah yeah yeah first day and they've

gone all right and she's taught us all about um how we're gonna have this competition where we get eggs and we have to make parachutes for them and drop them from the third floor of the school and what we do is if you get it to land safely the egg without cracking so if you can make an effective parachute right you win. Great. And, of course, we all walk up there and just start egging people from the third floor and just watching this teacher's career start and end in the space of about 45 minutes.

Losing the comp can still be a pretty big victory if you're just looking at it in the right way. You just change your perspective. Man, the substitute teacher coming in and just like everyone firing up immediately and going, let's just fuck with this guy as hard as we can. I made the mistake of, I

studied teaching for two years when I was trying to work out what I wanted to do. You studied teaching for two years? I don't know you at all. Yeah, I did seven years of uni man. I tried everything and then quit and did comedy. But it was... Seven years of uni. So how many degrees, how many attempted degrees in there?

I did law, economics, philosophy, teaching. Fuck. Physics, chemistry. You really liked the fucking canteen there. Well, he was just going through each subject until he could nail one really tough question. Yeah, and then I tried to get a medicine and I finished with economics and public policy.

All in the same uni? All the same uni. I went to Lonnie at some point. So I went to uni and then went to Lonnie. Did teaching. Didn't love it and then came back to economics. So it's good that comedy's worked out for you because this really is a last resort.

It's this or nothing. I tried everything. But I was a substitute. I was a teacher in the class. Imagine having comedy as your fallback. Imagine having McGregor as your substitute teacher. Well, that's what happened. I was in the classroom

and I was trying to be friends with everyone because my want for people to like me didn't go away when I was suddenly a teacher. And then the students had lined up all their desks in a row and they were sliding across some really injury-prone activity and they were just basically running up and then just sliding all the way down the desk and then falling off the end and like, oh,

and then running back and doing it again anyway. Anyway, I walked in and then went, shit, and they started putting them all back and they go, wait, it's just Luke. And they went, oh, and they put shit and they started putting them all back and they go wait it's just luke and they went oh and they put them all back again and i'm like okay i'm gonna have to so not only did they just take the piss but they don't even call you mr mcgregor no i was well i was trying to be friends with them and it worked it worked too well i was definitely one of them i said you want to go i'm just picturing you yes sliding across the table

oh it was um it... I just couldn't... I knew... It was like a clue to comedy. I knew I wanted to talk in front of people, but I didn't know what it was. Right. So I thought maybe teaching is the thing. I knew I wanted to talk in front of you,

in front of people. Cut to you playing the comedy theatre and everyone in the crowd just lining up the desks. Guys, can we get to a quiet place? Fuck off, Luke. God damn it. That's Mr McGregor. Thank you. That's what it says on the ticket, doesn't it?

Token presents Mr McGregor. But it's not even his show. He's a substitute comedian. Mr Hughes is sick today, so we've got Mr McGregor. He's Mr McGregor, or as you can call him, Luke. Yeah. Look, I am not who you thought was going to be in here but i am still angry man isn't it rough as you get older and then you have friends who are teachers and stuff and they tell you the stuff that the students are pulling now

and a part of you goes fuck i wish we'd thought of that back in the day you know i don't know this i've missed this. I assumed, I assumed they were all just on their phones now. Yeah. Probably. Yeah. Because, I mean,

it's much funner. Like, I remember doing stuff, like we'd throw, turn the fans on. Yeah. And we'd throw, back in graphics,

like when we used to, the graphics, you had those fountains. Yeah. Yeah. And we'd just fucking launch them at the fan. Yeah. And so the teacher would come back inains yeah and we'd just fucking launch them at the fan and so the teacher

would come back in the room and you'd all be sitting there so calm but you're all in your white shirts covering our guts and like that stuff's good but none of it's as good

as Fortnite right I was thinking about that the other day the old chuck the stuff in the fans thing and I was talking to someone about that

and going you know remember that when you'd you'd be in high school and you'd be in this class and then the teacher would walk out the room and put the fans on high and then you just chuck the clag into the fans

and it's like awesome and then they were like why did you have clag in high school? Fuck that's a very good point how slow were we in Meribah? And you were in the good one I was in the good one. Yeah, yeah. I was in the book one.

What are the non-book kids chucking at the fan? You're in year 12 and you're doing your final exams on those circles of paper. Yeah, yeah. You know when the teacher would walk in the room and you'd take your nappy off during VCE exams and you'd throw it at the teacher? You'd throw macaroni at her. It's not like clag stops being fun at some point though. Yeah, but why do we have clag in the fucking class?

All right, yeah, we're doing algebra and making pasta and necklaces. We don't have any pens. You have to stick the numbers into the books. I remember our great, remember glue sticks? Yep. We used to do a competition that would go along so the start of the back of the room

and then one by one when the teacher would turn to face the board you had to launch your glue stick at the roof because if you take it out you chuck it and it sticks

and so each time it would build you'd want to be closest to the back you'd want to be one of the first because then each time with Jeopardy it builds up. Because if the teachers see, because it'd be a boom, turn around,

and then you'd all just be staring. But if it builds up, if it gets to you're in the middle and you get caught, they look up and you've done 11, according to the teacher. Glue stick, let's give it its proper name, clag for adults. Grown- up clag. When you get your glue license, you're allowed to move on. PG glue.

Yeah, and that was in grade one. But I'm a fancy city boy. Yeah, yeah. There was a girl there. There was a girl at our school that we heard if you said the right word, she would throw up. There was one word. Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah. Like the brown sound. It was like the green sound. So you had one word. And so we were trying to crack the word and then and then the word went around we found out we got told just be careful are you sure you went to the smart school yeah yeah no this is smart for me so the word was that we found out we found it was glue stick so then for ages we were going up to her and just putting glue stick in conversation and then it wasn't working and we're like what the fuck stick in conversation and then it wasn't working. And we're like, what the fuck's wrong?

And then it just ended up people just yelling glue stick at her and nothing happening. And then we're like, what the fuck's going on? And then someone goes, by the way, it's not glue stick, it's pass. And someone goes, pass. And she goes, bleh. What? No way.

Really? Oh, my God. I felt pretty confident like I knew where that story was going to end up. I did not see that panning out the way it did. That's amazing. Then was you just constantly saying pass? No, I think we weren't that bad. I think we weren't that big a cunt.

Because McGregor has a similar thing where if he has just taken a sip of like a glass of water or something, if you just say quietly, I've used that, he spews just straight away. Right. I've had my shots. This is something I did though. I had a glass of wine with Dad and he had a sip of mine because he wanted to try it.

And I Googled miniature cockle afterwards. And you can't catch it from sharing drinks apparently. And you can't catch it from people that don't have it as well, I believe. And people who don't. Isn't that exactly how you get meningococcal? Yeah. I thought it was the water bottle like on hikes and stuff. Listening, please Google.

But I don't think it can survive outside the body for very long. Okay. I think, but I'm not sure. Hey, Alexa. Oh, it's not plugged in, man. Oh, sorry. But you can plug it in. That was one night of fun for us.

It was, wasn't it? We had a serial urinator. Why have you turned it off, by the way? Because that annoys me, that sort of thing. Well, I don't know how to turn stuff on and off. Luke's set up, see this, the TV? I've been too nervous to bring it up. I don't know how to turn it on.

Man, I've been telling you. I can show you. It takes five seconds. It's not turned off at the wall, is it? No. Okay, because that's what my mum does. You walk back in the room and everything's turned off at the wall. It's not easy.

Talk through. You can commentate what he's doing. That goes it on. So that's one off at the wall. It's just that. It's not easy. Talk through. You can commentate what he's doing. That goes it on. Okay. So that's one control. Yeah. One control. That doesn't particularly have an on button.

No. Yeah. And now you've had to go back to that same control because you're not sure. No, no. It's on. It looks like. Yeah. But it's on a black screen. Netflix.

Yeah. Because you want Foxtel, right? Okay. I just want TV. Now the Foxtel remote's coming. So now you've had to hit that. Now Foxtel's on. Now there's no signal. Yep. So you've got Foxtel. That's it. So you're on. And now it's just Foxtel, right? I just want TV. Now the Foxtel remote's coming. Now Foxtel's on. Now there's no signal.

So you've got Foxtel. That's it. So now you're on. And now it's just Foxtel. But then you maybe, oh, the sound is on. Because then you told me I had to use that other one. If you want to volume up or down. There are four remotes in front of us.

Yeah. Then let's just push plus or negative for volume. But I don't have to turn that thing on or off. And plus makes it go higher and negative makes it go lower. You don't have to. If you just want to use the volume on the TV, you can. Okay. Do you remember you... Stop this naughty video because we have to use the volume on the TV, you can. Okay. Do you remember you –

Stop this naughty video because we have to pay the rights for the audio. Yeah. We're going to have to clear this with Enid Blyton and I don't believe she's still around. That's it. That's all it is. That was far easier than I thought. What's the other control then?

What's the fourth control? This is for you if you want to watch – because you've got that little set-top boxer stand thing. Well, you guys really don't spend any time together. You haven't had house meetings on a podcast. Well, Little doesn't know McGregor and he's not even watching TV instead of getting to know his housemate. It was sitting in a box upstairs so I hooked it up for you

but you don't have to use it. You can never use it at all if you don't want to. It's just for Steve. Stan's on that. Stan's on that, yeah. Yeah. I do want to watch Stan at some point. I would like to watch all these things. I would like to watch Stan at some point. I would like to watch all these things.

I would like to watch Netflix at some point. You've got a real wish list there. That's all it is. That's all it is. Everything else is... Great. Well, we did... We saw you the other day, McGregor, going off topic briefly.

We did a thing called our little Dum Dum Club pop-up shop. So we took inspiration from Kanye and fucking whoever else that does little pop-ups. Kanye? Kanye. Sorry, I always say con. I don't know why. I always get pulled up for that as well. I think in the scheme of the world, you know.

Kanye the fruiterer. You're not saying Beyonce. So we did a pop-up shop the other day and sold a bunch of merch and a lot of listeners came along to it, which was really awesome. It was great. What was very good was we weren't quite prepared for it. I don't think we really knew what to expect, did we? We were giving away free beer,

so we sort of thought there'll be a lot of rubberneckers come out just for the free grog and not buying anything. I think that's a fair assumption. That's very fair, yeah. And I didn't know until the day before when Tommy then told me that it was all expired beer, but anyway. Hang on. Past its best before day.

Yeah, sorry. Beer's drinkable. It's just seen better days. Is it not like years? Doesn't beer expire a day? Yes, it's years. It'd want to be because this was years old beer. That's what I mean though.

Where did you get it from? How'd you find year old beer? We just got like a small sponsorship years ago. We just paid four pennies and a threepence and they gave us 12 decartons to have. So we gave away a lot of them. I hope people noticed that we didn't actually drink them ourselves. We got our own fresh beers. No comments though I noticed.

I don't think anyone, I don't think anyone I got a few comments. Did you really? Two months to be able to talk. Yeah. Oh no, no, no. I didn't get any results from people who got sick. I got comments from why aren't you drinking it? Oh, okay. Right. Because I'm the boss. Yeah. I drink my own boss beer. There you go. Which is what? Just

carton from the tab or something? Yeah, yeah. So bossy. Stuff that has only been off for a month rather than a year. Pre-self. Yeah, yeah. So we had a bunch of people in there. It was really good. And a shout out to Young Henry's for giving us the beer. Yes.

2014 was a wonderful year for them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a vintage. It's a vintage beer. I was like, I didn't even think that beer had been round long enough for it to be off. Yeah. You must have literally got... I think we got the sample.

The sample batch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's good. I went down to the wine cellar and, you know, plucked out a good year for the pop-up shop. Only the best for the fans. Took the cork off the beer and poured it forever. Oh, I won't use the 2008 spew manti. We'll be saving that for the next one.

Save that for four years' time. So, yeah. Hey, great night great night people came down bought stuff surprisingly i honestly thought people were going to come down for the free beer and just fuck off but that was good that's what i did uh yeah so what happened was uh at some stage like the shop was full and we didn't think this out but we're giving it free beer everyone just walks out into the street we look out in the street there's like 50 people on the street drinking beer going this is fucking not good

this is not going to end very well at all public drinking cops turn up fire up the sirens sirens go flat out and we go

fuck and everyone absolutely goes silent and then a cop hung his head out the window and goes

see you mate and then fucked up it was a listener it was a listener it was a listener of the show it was a cop who came along just to fucking

prank us so good I think I know exactly who you're talking about I think you do too he's an absolute ripper

there is a few police officers that are fans though that's very handy I've got several different bits of advice legal advice

and police advice from our... Have you really? Yes. What have you been doing? What did you have to give advice for? We don't know our friends at all. Trying to poison our listeners with off beer?

No, I think it was speeding fine stuff. I think it was. There was a certain police officer that was giving me all the tips to trick the system and I was like, fuck, no, I'm not going to do that. That's too much work. I've never been late again. Yeah. Yeah.

I'll just drive properly from now on. Trick the system as in what? Getting out of the speeding fine. You know, what to do in court, what to go and say, what to go in, what to do, whatever. That great opportunity just to really fuck with you. Just to go, hey, look, this is going to sound ridiculous, but Humphrey Bebair costume. If you rock up in court, it's like the code word.

There's a certain phrase and hand gesture you say, and if you do it, the judge will nod. Then you bow and walk backwards out of the court. You get out of the fine. They're going to lead you away in handcuffs. Now that just means it's worked. It just means it's worked. Just stay calm, you get out of the fine. They're going to lead you away in handcuffs. Now that just means it's worked. It just means it's worked. Just stay calm, relax, keep saying the phrase.

If the judge gets angry, just trust me on this one, because they might. That's part of the plan. You have to go up, slap them twice on the cheek and pinch them on the nipple. Sure, then you might be in jail. That's just the next level. That's where you've got to take on the big boss.

And this is where the real fun begins. Bring out the glue sticks and chuck them onto the roof. It's a follow-up to the inside job. It's called The Fuck It's Locked Up. But yeah, it was great. What else did we have going on? We had our own little radio station that we'd made, like Chemist Warehouse.

Yes. We had some little... For the first time anyone has ever done this, but someone took inspiration from the Chemist Warehouse radio show. Yeah. So that was what we were trying to do. A bit of artistic direction from them. Just speaking of Chemist Warehouse,

I've noticed the big money seems to be, whenever you go into Chemist Warehouse these days, a cologne. Oh, yeah. It seems to be the big thing. Even if you're a Gina Liano, you can become a top-selling cologne. Who's Gina Liano? She was one of the Real Housewives.

I went to say the Desperate Housewives. I was about to say that too. But it's known for smelling really good. Was that a show? Was that a drama? Is that the fake one? The Desperate Housewives was a drama. The Desperate Housewives was the Terry Hatcher one, right? Either way, I'm correct with both. Okay. Turn the TV on again, McGregor.

Maybe it's on right now. Easy. It's a free-suit process. It's more complicated than getting out at speeding fine, I think. Have you thought about a cologne? No. No one's looked at us and gone, gee, what do they smell like? Yeah, they have. Well, not in a –

They have heaps. Not in a, I wish we could. More like I'm glad we don't. But do you think anybody looked at Gina Liano and went, give us a bit of that? Yeah, right. What I'm saying is I think you guys are on par. Yeah, right.

With one of the real housewives? No, specifically Liano. Okay, right. So you've got a high opinion of her, obviously, then. Yeah, great. Best good stuff. Yeah, best and good. Tommy doesn't say

best good unless he really means it. That would be cool. We could do a Nick Capper cologne. Fuck. Yeah. Eau de Cappeur. The amazing bottle

image I think. Yeah. Oh, with the hair? Yeah, with the hair. Like a little, because no one's probably, I don't reckon anyone's done a cologne bottle with hair.

I have a single hair in all the bottles of the cologne. That's a good question. Like the agave worm in a tequila bottle. Yes, yes. Oh, imagine trying to eat it at the end. Do you know how you have it? You're just like...

Just getting to the bottom of the bottle. That'd be good. Knit cap a cologne and then all of a sudden, as soon as you've got that scent on you, you want to chase a cat that's got a stripe down its back, down the street. Like Pepe Le Pew, the skunk? But isn't this a reverse Pepe Le Pew?

Doesn't Pepe do the chasing? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. So you're saying Kappa smells like a skunk? Yes. It's a long way around the same. That was just an out of the blue Pepe Le Pew reference. I'm on board. Yes.

So the point is he stinks. Okay, right. That's the Mirabara High School version of saying that. That's the Booksmart version of that joke. I wonder what the tech guys would come up with. Up at the tech, they're like, cunt stinks. That fucking cartoon fucking skunk thing that fucks the cat. I don't even know that.

Okay. I mean, maybe gift him some Gina Liana fragrance. Oh, gift him anything. Yeah. Just gift him. Introduce him to that thing called water. That'd gift him anything. Just gift him. Introduce him to that thing called water. That'd be good. He was there hanging out.

Give him a bit of that cologne Hepburn Springs. That's fine. Hepatitis Springs. But there was also appearances from my parents. My mum hated the event. My mum made duck sandwiches. I didn't recognise your dad. I didn't pick it. Well, the reason for that your dad. I couldn't, I didn't pick it.

Well, the reason for that is because he came in costume. Yes. You didn't pick it, but he was the only bloke there above 40. I know, but I couldn't. Oi, are you still lying about your age? The only punter, the only punter. You went, who's Carl's friend? So you guys might not know this,

but we talked about this a while ago on the show. I found out my dad has always talked about how he's been writing a porno and I ended up getting my hands on one of them and we read it out on the show. He's then written two more that we've read out on the show. And so I printed up a little booklet, collected all of his pornos. Is this inspired by my dad Wrote a Porno? No, no, I don't know what you're talking about.

No similarities there. Nothing similar to that whatsoever. It's not anything like that because when we do it at a live show, we get capiterated out. So it's My Friend's Dad Wrote a Porno. Yeah, yeah, good. So it's a completely different artistic venture. Your Honour.

Yeah, yeah. Your Honour. And then just slap the judge twice tweak the nipple that's in the porno actually there's a lot of eating clag in the porno so I got them all printed up into a little book and had them on sale and then I told dad about this and so he decides that he's going to

because he writes them under a pseudonym so he decides that he's going to come down in character as the pseudonym and he came out in this wig wearing one of our T-shirts and then immediately people are asking him for autographs. Dad got us to sign more stuff that night than I think we did. No, no, because that's what I said at the end of the night. I said, jokingly, I said,

you probably signed more things than I did tonight and he was like, yes, I definitely did. I'm like, all right, cheers, mate. But he brought the costume down in a suitcase and he was adamant that I not tell you that that was going to be happening. He was adamant that... I love that. I think he genuinely thought he was going to be able to fool people

into thinking that they're two separate people. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that he wore one of our T-shirts, which I think was a bit over the top. He certainly blew his disguise when he came up to me and said, Luke, it's Tommy's dad. But I love that he thinks that there's no way you'll know.

He's like, I'd better tell him, or else I've got him fooled this whole time. You'll think it's Clark Kent otherwise. I don't want to embarrass Luke. Start telling me how much he hates Tommy's dad and it's me. He's so deep in character, he's forgotten Tommy's dad's name. Luke, it's Tommy's dad. God, I wish I could remember for the life of me what my name is.

Mr Allslop. Mr Allslop, they call me. But dad's messaging me during the week and he's like, what do you think if maybe Damien Hegarty was to make an appearance? And Damien Hegarty's the pseudonym, yeah. And I'm like, I think this just is actually dementia at this point. And, like, I just am encouraging it. Like, I'm aiding and abetting full-blown dementia.

But it's just too funny to not do. Like, he really, this is the first step of him going off the deep end. What a twist if you then submit this as evidence to have him locked up in an asylum. That's not bad. Like you create the myth. Yeah. He plays along.

Yeah. And then you pretend you never created it. And so he's like, but my son, he started all this. Oh, so we just delete all the episodes of the pod. There's no evidence he's ever having sex. All it is is a man rocking up claiming he's written a porno in costume. Got a big wig on. Right.

Yeah, yeah. And all of a sudden, Tommy, only child. Ooh, all of a sudden, I've got quite an inheritance. You can't spend money in the nuthouse, mate. Yeah. I'm trying to think of the movie. It's the movie that's told from two sides and you don't know who's telling the truth. It's all right.

It's good that you said that, the only child thing, because before that when you were telling that little, I was like, yeah, cool. And what's my motivation for doing this? Just having my dad in prison is a luck. I just meant to completely fuck up Mr. Orson. Sorry, you thought you were back in high school again. I was just like, fuck whoever.

It's just a front break. Also, if that doesn't work, throw eggs at your dad. Yeah, Mum also made duck sandwiches for everyone. And yeah, she was very excited. She was very excited for you to try one. She was very disappointed when you absolutely refused because you're off bread and you don't like duck. Are you joking?

No. You refused? you don't like duck. Are you joking? No. You refuse. I didn't want one. Because you're off bread. I'm off bread. You're acting like you're Usain Bolt and one slight variant in your diet will just throw your whole Olympic campaign off. I'm a bread junkie.

Once I have one of those sandwiches, I'm straight down the street for a fucking Vienna loaf Yeah And then Still nobody notices the difference Yeah Someone went to all the trouble To make you

Your joke That wasn't for me A sweet old woman Begging you Begging you to have one of her sandwiches She didn't make You shouldn't Pull your eyes out

A sweet woman Of your own age No Makes you A fellow A fellow senior citizen, puts down the clag bottle, picks up the loaf of bread. Fuck her, she was from the tech. This is how we get car locked up.

There never was an old woman handing out sandwiches. There's no evidence of this. Oh, good. Then I'm not in trouble for fucking not eating one then. What do you mean? I didn't have one. I didn't want one. Talk me through the common sense of eating something that you don't want to eat. It's what you do whenever anybody says, I've made something for you.

But it wasn't for me. If I thought it was specifically for me, it was to hand around at the function, at the sale. It was a food based at the function, at the sale. It was a food based on one of your jokes. It wasn't based on the joke you know what I've always wanted to eat? A duck sandwich. That's not the joke. That is the joke as I remember it.

That would be an improvement on the joke. That's exactly what you would say. I've heard you often with that. And if it was that, it was a joke which means I didn't want to eat it I think I think it would Even if you'd taken it

It probably would have been better If you'd just taken it And then taken it somewhere else To get someone else to eat it Well I thought it would have been nicer To give to someone else No no You should have taken it

And just pretended to have it And then just given it To someone else to eat it I didn't know it was going to cause If I thought it was going to cause Three grown men To get this upset I would have eaten it If I was allergic To going to cause three grown men to get this upset,

I would have eaten it. If I was allergic to both duck and bread, I would have still chowed down half a tray and gone, as I swelled up, these are top notch. As you shove the needle in your chest. Yeah, as I'm epipenning myself, I'd be asking for another. And McGregor still wouldn't have known that you ate that for dinner. No, he'd be going, so what is it, breakfast, lunch and... Snacker?

Hey, I'm allowed to get worked up about it because I'm defending my own mother's honour. These two don't have a horse in the race. I'm happy to have the support. It's fun to bag, Carl. Well, the conversation, like I asked mum if she'd do it, I'm like, hey, totally fine if it's too much hassle or whatever, but like if you want to, here's the set up, you've heard us talk on the show when you've been told about this joke that Carl has, the duck sandwich, it'd be awesome if you could make them i'm sure people really get a kick out of it and mom's like yeah yeah and then she's like immediately starts stressing out too

much about it and wants to like go you know make it the best possible sandwich this is it's a sandwich with carl yeah exactly he's like carl's gonna be so impressed when he eats i just want i just want your friend to be impressed with my cooking but then she's like you know what the sandwich is kind of boring and i recently i've found a recipe that I've been dying to use for a duck wonton. And what you do is you get the wonton skins. And she's talking me through it. I'm like, I'm sure it's better. But the joke is for duck sandwich.

And she's like, yeah, but can't it just be another joke? And I'm like, you're going to turn up with wontons. And it's just not going to make sense. This thing's in three days. Carl can't write a joke about a duck wonton, test it out enough times to have it be gold in between now and us doing the pop-up shop. That's like when we did the gig in Maribor,

the same thing happened. They're like, oh, duck sandwich would be funny for the menu. And then the chef went, nah, sandwiches, not my go. Baguettes, that's better. So there's duck baguette. He's like pointing at that and everyone's like, we don't get the reference. Yeah, we've got chicken focaccia's, you know, like

his joke. We've got hot pot, we've got hot pot casserole, you know, like the food that's better than a duck sandwich. Yeah. Doesn't work for me. So I had to fight with mum to talk her out of this duck wonton thing. Next you're going to fight her out of the idea of getting all these seven foot tall people

to play tennis. That's about your other joke. Oh, right, right, right. About golf. Oh, right. Oh, yeah. It's all right. I thought this was back to Pepe Le Pew there for a second.

Well, I had to like fight her to not get her to do the wonton. And now, no, not even worth the effort because you probably would have eaten a fucking wonton if she made that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I would have actually. I've got to start working on that new joke. All right. Well, let's.

I'll start writing jokes with no bread in them so that I can eat anything I can joke about. Write jokes of only foods that you enjoy. Write a duck wonton joke so that the next thing we can do, mum can bust out this recipe that she's dying to do. Man, I'm going to get a new half hour on Penang curries. This is going to fucking pay off. Can we broaden this out to your

food etiquette please go for it because um i love spending time with you i love i love chatting with you thank you uh ordering dinner with you is a fucking nightmare right go on because if the group is ordering something yes you just order it you will be the one out of 10 that just go, what's that? We're all doing the banquet. We're all doing the thing. You go, you guys all do that. I'll just have a plate of chicken focaccias, please. Classic.

A whole plate of them. Quoting himself. As many focaccias as you can fit on there. Just a plateful, not one. I think you should be more invested with the social aspect and less in your individual desire on your meal. Look, I think that's a fine opinion. But.

I'm surprised there's a but. Okay, deal. But I'm also pretty clear on you go out and you're paying for something. It'd be nice to get something that you like. I think that's also a valid opinion in some way. Yes? I don't know. I will bend.

If I go, if everybody goes, hey hey guys, we're all doing this. And I go, all right, well, that's fine. Ideally, I would like something slightly different. I will bow to, I'll go, all right, but if we're all doing this, we'll do this. You don't have that one iota of that. Look, I've seen what you go out and do socially. Here we go. Here we go.

And I'm picking up the ropes The defence is quick Slap him twice Pinch his nipple See ya I'm just saying I'm fine with not having The exact same morals as you

I regret everything Yeah I thought Because I always You know Had this image of Tommy As a And you are You know You're confident And extroverted But Tommy will do stuff like Yeah, I thought – because I always had this image of Tommy as a – and you are, you're confident and extroverted,

but Tommy will do stuff like there's a cafe and he overpaid. They didn't give him $10 change he had. It was $10, wasn't it? They gave him change. It was under $10 or something. They're supposed to give him $10 change and they didn't. And we were in the cafe. Tommy realised it straight away and just gave it to him.

And it was like millions of dollars. This is millions of dollars. Millions of examples like that where you, where I will snap up. You don't. You save me socially so often. I,

like I'm more aggressive than you probably when it comes to that stuff. Oh man. It's so often I'm, like I just hate, I just don't like any, any confrontation. Yeah. Unless you're causing it. Unless I'm like I just hate I just don't like any any confrontation. Yeah.

Unless you're causing it. Unless I'm absolutely. No, but if it's like a slight social thing like that, like I would. Yeah. I often McGregor is the one that saves it. All right. Let me give you guys a hypothetical of something that happened to me recently. The gym.

The gym is a perfect example. Oh, the gym, yeah. I tried to get out of a gym membership and they wouldn't let me. And then Luke was there and came over and just basically let him have it. Oh, really? Wow. I was irritated with it. But then it was awkward for me because then I was in the gym.

I did my session after that and I was just like, oh, now I'm just stuck here. Well, here's something that happened to me recently. I'm out with friends at a restaurant and we get there and we didn't know that this was the case, but someone that we know works there as a waiter, right? So we're sitting there. This guy that we know is coming over and he's not our waiter, but he keeps coming over. He's like, you guys got to try this off the starters menu. He does this twice.

He does it with starters and then he does it with a main. He's like, oh, we made an extra one of these by accident. There you go. On top of like we've all already ordered our own food. Get to the end of it, it's all on the bill. Yeah, right. Stuff that we just didn't, we weren't egging him on. He was just coming and bringing us stuff from the kitchen.

You know what I do in that situation? Get McGregor. Pay and tip and then walk out and then McGregor goes You did what? Yeah man I was with a friend who's like I am not having this And I'm sitting there going like Oh I'd rather just cop it

Than have the awkward conversation Man I honestly If I order a steak And they confidently look me in the eyes And say there's your pumpkin soup I say thank you Yeah And then I slurp down

No with me around pal You get that steak? Because for me, growing up, like, my nan, any time we'd go out for meals with her, she just fires up over everything. But over everything. And I just remember that feeling of being a little kid around her going insane and just being mortified even at a young age.

So it's like, you know, you get a bit older and you're like, I'm never going to be that person. that person so like that's where it comes from now I'm just like a fucking doormat in that situation yeah I will just cop it every time you wouldn't be that car would you you know what I reckon first half of my life I would have been like that because I grew up in shops in retail you know experiences with my parents because they've always ran shops in Maryborough so I'm always on the shopkeepers side yeah so it's always like oh fuck

these poor cunts you know just go along with it just whatever but then it took me a while to go ah nah

fuck that I'm paying for this fucking give me what I want so now don't you think sorry don't you think

that's dependent on what it there's nothing that kills me more than when someone complains about something that is either really cheap to begin with or something else. So like if you're at a country pub and they've got the, you know, 15 buck Palmer and they're

like, oh, I said the Napoli on the side and you're like, fuck off, mate. Yeah. You're in a fucking country pub. No, no, no. Look, I am, nothing gives me much more joy than someone getting something wrong and then coming over and shitting themselves and me going, that's fine, mate.

Don't worry about it. We're not going to tell anyone. And I'd never return food and ask to be cooked again. I don't want to risk the chef doing something. Man, I don't know whether we talked about this before, but a couple of years ago, we went out

and I remember we went and had Thai food against my will. Sorry. Trying to introduce a bit of culture. Did you get the banquet yeah no I don't believe so you should think about going one of these days

you'd love it I've got a couple of trips to Bali up my sleeve but after that I'll have a go so we went and had Thai you

ordered the jungle curry I don't know if we've talked about this or not you ordered the jungle curry and then it came out and it was inedible to you and it was so hot that you could not eat it that's sound and you and the waiter came over and you

said i'm sorry but i'm gonna have to send this back and he said why and you said it's just too hot i can't eat it and the waiter goes yeah you ordered something called the jungle curry what did you think it was gonna be and then you were you were like, oh, I don't know. It was just the name of it. And then you sent it back. He goes, don't worry, I'll send it back.

I'm going to put more coconut in it. And as soon as he grabbed it, you go, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't take it, don't take it. And then he took it back and you're sitting there going,

I can't eat this now because he's going to go back. He's going to piss in the soup. Well, coconut is good for cum. Yeah, yeah. He's going to bring it back. He brought it back and you couldn't eat it. So then the rest of us had to eat our meals. You couldn't eat that

and you said, don't worry about it. I'll go up and have something else. And then you walked up to the fish and chip shop up the road, walked in there, ordered your food. Then you heard the chef sneeze and you said, anyway, I've got to go. And then walked out. That does.

That does. So we went to the gig and then I think you got too pissed because you hadn't eaten and you were just drinking. I do remember the, yeah, any time they say, we'll take it back and do something. So I'm like, no, no, no, please don't because they'll get, yeah, I just get in my own head. But, yeah, if I hear a sneeze or a cough in a restaurant, that's it.

Meal over. But doesn't that go back to a story about your dad or something? Oh, no, that was because dad had a steak and he said it was too well cooked because dad has his rare and it was well done. And they sent it back and then dad, as he was going to the toilet, looked in the kitchen window and they were kicking around his new stack on the floor. Oh, my God.

The tatty's just had a fresh stack and they just rubbed it. I can't believe that's how they cook them. That's how you get something all done. I didn't know that. Yeah, I didn't know that's a rare one. More common than I thought. A little kick, yeah. So that ever since that...

What did he do? Dad told the waiter and the waiter said, I'll get you another one. He said, no, no, I don't want any more from you guys. We'll get you another one. We'll get you another one. Imagine the trust of Eudox going... Yeah, right, though.

Thank you. That's pretty good of you. Thanks, guys. You're not just going to wipe off that one and you'll be kicking around again? No, no, no. We'll just get another steak, but hold the Nikes. Evan, we'll get you another one. Oh, no, no, no, no. We'll just get another steak, but hold the Nikes. Even we'll get you another one.

Oh, no, no, no, no. You don't have to do that. I just wanted to let you know that that's what they were doing. It's fine. It's fine. Still send it out. I don't appreciate it. The review will not be good. So he wanted it rare and it was well done.

It was well done. And that was the one they were kicking around. They were kicking around the new one they were going to make. The new one. A new fresh bit of steak. And, yes, ever since Dad told me that, I couldn't, I haven't been able to. Right. I'm very, I'll just, I just fine-aid it, just in case.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. As you witnessed when I missed out on two meals. I'd love to have seen someone try and kick around a jungle curry out the back door, to be fair. Yeah. I don't remember the jungle curry bit. I remember the fish and chip bit. Yeah, jungle curry, definitely. You are very racist in your memory selection. I don't remember the Asian bit.

There's a big Southeast Asian sort of hole in your memory. I remember going to the fish and chip shop and ordering the Jungle Flake. We just got back from Japan and I said to him, I said, where did you go? And he goes, actually, that's so weird. I have no idea where I've just been. I remember going to Tullamarine. I think I went there.

I think I got some sushi at Tullamarine and just came back. There was a bit of funny talking, but apart from that, I don't really recall where it was. You should see the look on my face now. This is having a really good time. You went to Japan for what, two weeks? Not awkward at all. Two weeks, yeah.

Two weeks. I did message you. I was messaging you weeks not awkward at all two weeks yeah two weeks I did message you I was messaging you on Facebook because I was excited for you because you said the first time you travelled alone I was so nervous yeah yeah yeah

so I was excited I loved it Tommy goes to Japan a lot I went there like once 15 years ago so I'd like to go again and I was asking you sort of what it was like

whether it was had changed or anything what your experiences were and because I got drunk a lot over there and then you were like yeah I got really really drunk last night and i said oh where'd you go and you're like my hotel room yeah fuck you are living it up tokyo style on my arm is a large bruise and

a scar um because of my when in japan i fell over my hotel room and bruised my elbow oh nice no it was that strong zero tell me you know what i'm talking about yeah yeah yeah it's a strong can of strong zero and it's like i don't know what I'm talking about Yeah yeah yeah It's this strong Can of Strong Zero And it's like I don't know what it is Strong Zero It looks like lemonade But it's like

10% alcohol You can just get it at You can just get it at 7-Eleven or whatever Or at a corner shop And it tastes nice Yeah It doesn't taste that strong

Yeah But I was I was knocked out Well even the name Is a little confusing Yeah yeah Like Strong Zero Strong Zero

Yeah It's like Zero K Zero You've got to put it In both camps Yeah It's quite zero It's got to put it in both camps it's quite zero it's got no sugar in it yeah

strong zero have you tried week zero it's shit ass strong zero week week week one week one million

week infinity week infinity you called me Luke like a couple days before you left yeah and you were just asking for some pointers and stuff

and I I leapt into action. I finally understood how Chandler feels when he gets messages all day from people going to Thailand. They're only amping up as well. We've got so many listeners in the last

month. We've had half a dozen people there. Celia went straight to you, didn't she, when she went over there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would. That's my plan. Yeah, totally. But, yeah, I was talking to you too.

I'm like, oh, man, you'll love it. Like, go do this, go do this, go do this. And you were going in like two days and we talked for like ten minutes or whatever. Yeah. And then the end of the call is you going, and will I be safe? I was just nervous. I'd never travelled alone before. A bit late to be asking that

with two hours to go when I was because I was asked I was at the travel agency and I said I just want to go somewhere with I just want to get out of Australia

because he recommended Thailand or whatever and I said or whatever how dare you sorry he recommended Thailand and some other places

and I said and they said plenty of jungle curry there. And you said, what about Japan? You said, is there a land of fish and chips somewhere? But I said, I'm not going to toil in without speaking to Chandler. Yes, thank you. You can just find out all the tips on your blog now, though.

Sextourist.org, right? On my police charges. You can find out where I was and what I was doing, what I was eating when I was committing all of them. And you needed all that advice from those policemen listeners. I know this comment's going to backfire into like Australia, but it's weird being in another country and going, oh, well, I have zero friends, zero family here.

There's no one. And you just... I can't travel by myself. I tried it for one day and I was meant to do a week by myself. Where did you go? Didn't I hear you went to meditate for a day? I got fired from a job and so I went to do...

My mum has always said to me, meditation is something you should do to de-stress. And I got on a plane the next day and I went to fucking Bali to do a meditation retreat despite never doing it. The home of spiritual thinking, Bali. Of course.

Of course. And yeah, I was meant to do a week of like... meditation retreat despite never doing it the home of spiritual thinking Barley of course of course and yeah I was meant to do a week of like and it wasn't even a hardcore one it was nice they had like booze

that you could drink and stuff but I spent one day by myself and I ran away yeah I remember hearing from someone that

did you hear Tommy Little broke out of a fucking yeah but it was like a luxury resort thing and I paid for the whole thing so I'm packed my bags and I'm creeping out of a fucking... Yeah, but it was like a luxury resort thing and I paid for the whole thing. So I'm packing my bags and I'm creeping out of the night and the front desk is like, Mr. Little, is everything okay?

And I'm like, I've got to fucking go. And did you just go back home? No, I had friends down in Seminyak, so I just went down, stayed with them, like just got, yeah. So I fully understand. I think it's... You had a few strong zeros.

You smashed them to strong zeros. I told you that it was safe and then you end up just fucking injuring yourself in your hotel room by yourself. It's got to be one of the safest places in the world, surely, Japan. That was my memory from it. It was me walking around at 3.30am in the middle of the night and it was just me first night being a bit scared,

going, oh, is this the right thing to do and parades of young school girls walking around in uniform at 3 30 a.m going yeah this is the most natural thing in the world it's uh i i loved it that's by the way that's not why i was that's your one memory that's your one memory of the truth what fucking parades of young actually that might have been a movie i saw uh that i downloaded you're watching them going look how safe they are old chando does japan why do i ever go to thailand i didn't worry about saying that to you luke because i was like now that i've said this he'll get fucking kidnapped by yakuza or something you know what i mean like i was uh i was i managed to avoid it you did say when the first words when you got back,

I said, bro, how was it? And you said, I loved it. You said I could live there. And I said, oh, what was it about it? And you said, it's so safe. The people are so polite and it's so clean. And I just thought that is McGregor heaven. As someone who's so apologetic to heaven be part of the culture,

I was like, this is the best. To have you being the rude one must have been heavy. The rockstar, rockstar. When he left, they went, thank fuck that wild cunt's gone. Oh, fucking Fonzie left the building. We can let the parades of schoolgirls back out. He's gone. Oi, we can let the parades of schoolgirls back out.

He's gone. Like, people, like, just little things, like people would have a ramen at just a casual spot, takeaway shop, and then they'd bow as they leave. It was just, and everyone would say, I already got to go to my master's. And it was, I loved it. I'd love to be able to learn the language well enough that I could do a gig there.

But I... To be honest, you have made it sound better to me in about three sentences than four trips from Datsunai. Every time Datsunai comes back, I hear nothing from him about Japan. But now I'm starting to remember, apart from the schoolgirls, this is what I like about it. See, I have the similar thing to it with it to you, McGregor, where I go, oh, well, how great is it?

Like, yeah, everyone's so polite and everyone's so clean and well mannered and there's no fuckhead Aussies around and then you realise I'm being the fuckhead Aussie just like me and my mates we went to a music festival and we were at a stage and we had two beers each and we're looking around and my friend goes

I think maybe you're not allowed to drink at this stage because everyone else there no one else has a drink because they're just kids going, no, we came to watch the music. This isn't a venue to just get shit-faced at. This is an arts event. And we're like, yeah, fucking anyway, two more, thanks. Just fucking wiping ourselves out. Neck up, can't get us another.

Man, I'm sure I've told this before on the pod, so I'll do a very edited version. But when I was there, it was like, because you get told that everyone speaks English over there. Now, was that your experience? No, no. That was not my experience. They just didn't want to talk to you.

Yeah, yeah. Boys, school girls, do you speak English? I've been overseas and chatted to plenty of people who six beers later don't speak any English and can't talk to me anymore like if you're catching a taxi you should you can't you have to sort of just point it on the map where you need to go yeah yeah yeah well that was my i got told before i went there that everyone spoke english that everyone learned it at school all that sort of stuff i got over there no one knew how to speak english that i spoke to or that's the tip was people would say sometimes they wouldn't speak English too because they were so ashamed that they weren't like absolutely fluent in English that they don't want to

even have a go at it and fail. Yeah, a lot of people know, but they'll be nervous to... Yes. Like I found if I went out and was drinking, then a lot of people would come and speak English to me. Oh, great. They'd just come out and test out phrases. Oh, really?

Like I was at a bar and it was really cool. Everyone was lovely, but no one knew how to communicate with me and I couldn't communicate back I could say little stuff I could say oishides which means delicious it is delicious so I'd say that whenever I had a drink

and then people come up and go you like sake? and I go hang on what district were you in when they were asking that? Oh, come on. It's a Japanese wine, mate. Sorry, it's been 15 years.

That's all right. That is a long time. I mean, I knew married life meant that things dried up in the bedroom, but 15 years, bloody hell. Since before we met. Wow. I'll change it to golf. Do you like golf? And I'd say, yes, I like

golf. And they'd go, hmm, hmm. And they'd walk off. Oh, right. But everyone was really polite. That's funny. Or some people would, if I was at a restaurant, they'd hold up something that they'd recommend putting on the dish. And then I'd go and I'd put it on and it was delicious. Yeah, great. Yeah, it was just little stuff like that.

It was really nice. We had a night where we were at a bar and this bartender who we'd been chatting to a little bit as we were ordering drinks, he knocked off and then he'd taken a liking to us so he came and was chatting to us but he didn't really speak much English so he was putting stuff into Google Translate on his phone and holding it up and then we would go, oh, right, and then we would type it back and put it into Google Translate on his phone and holding it up. And then we would go, oh, right. And then we would like type it back and put it into Google Translate on our phone. And we sit there kind of like chatting with him for like an hour.

And then the next day we're talking about like, how great was that? Just like, you know, having it, just making a little friend and like chatting to him for ages. And then we realized like by the time you add up the time that we spent putting those messages into text, it was essentially a four-minute conversation. Yeah. It took about an hour and a half to just go, what bit of the city do you live in? Yeah. It's just a waste.

I'm from Australia. I'm 27. Fascinating. It reminded me too that like in Australia and I think America, England, a lot of English-speaking places, we forget that, you know, people learn English, so we kind of expect it, whereas in a lot of countries that don't, they're not English-speaking, when you learn their language, it's a gratitude.

Oh, yeah, yeah. And we forget that here. Like, we forget, we don't feel gratitude when someone comes here and has learned English. We're like, oh, whatever you're supposed to. Yeah, yeah. Which is crazy because, you know, no one has to. It's so rude. It's really rude it's horrible like you do you do get it all right because i forget sometimes i mean when i travel i i barely look up a word for anything i'm absolutely an aussie pig traveler

like i'm never rude to people because i don't but i don't learn that like i've just been in south america because how did how did you go in south america with the language barrier i thought they would have a lot more english yeah and in chile there was not like none right they were quite affronted at our lack of spanish right like we would apologize for having the you know we'd apologize for having no spanish and they were still just like even the ones that could speak English would say to us, why don't you know any Spanish? Why would you come all this way? And I'm like, because I'm Australian

and this is how a lot of us travel. Like absolute fucking arsehole. Well, that was the first time I'd been overseas Japan. So I brought a phrase book with me and I was walking around everywhere learning the phrases and like people were so happy that i was bothering to learn and i walked out of there after a week going this is the best this felt so good whatever i went i'm gonna absolutely learn japanese from now on absolutely didn't and

then went to thailand 12 times i know one word which escapes me at the moment I was going to say I was going to say do you know much Thai no no I got you know what that's

you know what it's embarrassing that's my mission for next time yeah cup and car I was so proud of myself I went to

also similar way Nandesca which means what do you recommend and I was so proud of myself and they go hi and then they started

talking to me and I couldn't understand a thing they were saying. So they had to get an English speaking word. I made the mistake in Montreal the first time of opening with bonjour. Oh, really? Because they all speak fluent French and English. But, you know, I know a bit of French. I go to French school. And so I'd open with know, I know a bit of French. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I go to French school. And so I'd open with bonjour and they'd just launch into French.

And then I'd go, I'm so sorry. I thought that was a red herring. Yeah, I'm so sorry. I don't actually speak a lot of French. And they'd just look at me like, why the fuck did you say bonjour? Yeah. You know I speak both. And you've just wasted 20 seconds of my time.

I like how you said, I said bonjour. I know a bit of French because I learnt it at school. Like, wow, you picked up bonjour from studying it at school. That education really. I just thought there'll be a bit of fun back and forth forgetting that they launch into, well, he's French. It's a nice 50-50, like, I'll say bonjour in your language and you say the rest in my language.

Very fair. I was also like, hmm, my accent must be pretty good on my one word. Yeah, must be, yeah. You think it's just going to be, like, inherent in what, it's the way that you're saying it that they'll know this guy's putting it on. This is an Australian showing the one word that he knows. Yeah. He's bona fide.

So instead I settled for the happy medium, which was hello. Yeah, there you go. Well, it sounds a bit French. I like that. Hello. You had the beret on. Yeah. Medium halfway.

Hello. Good day. That's an Australian having a bit of a go. Like there's a little bit of politeness in there. Yeah. I think, what was it? The end of, yeah, so I didn't speak English for like the week that I was in Tokyo. Didn't speak English at all.

Really? You were just in the phrase book the whole time? Yeah. You can get away with, And then if you say, And so if you say, kore is this, sore is that. And so if you learn okudasai, please may I have, you can say kore okudasai and point at something on the menu,

like a picture. And if you say sore okudasai, you can point at someone else's meal and get that. And that'll get you through most things. Well, it'll get you through meals. It'll get you through meals. I mean, if you're at a pub trying to talk to someone, all you can do is ask for their stuff. It gets you through meals. I mean, if you're at a pub trying to talk to someone,

all you can do is ask for their stuff. You don't need to know any Japanese if you're sculling a slab by yourself in a hotel room. And because they're polite, you just end up walking out of the pub with all their clothes on. Well, I didn't speak any English for a week. And that's weird. Obviously, that's sort of a different thing that you're not used to anyway.

But back then, I hadn't travelled or anything. So I didn't speak any English for a week. Then on my last day, I went out to a pub. And first of all, I got asked to leave from a restaurant because I was drinking so much. I got so drunk that I went to the toilets and started taking pictures and they asked me to leave because I was taking pictures of the toilets. Time to go, buddy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just need you to know that has nothing to do with you drinking. Like the reason you got kicked out is because you were taking pictures in the toilet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. No, but the reason I was taking pictures... They weren't like, this drunk guy is taking pictures in the toilet. They were like, this guy is taking pictures of the toilet. But the reason I was taking pictures of the toilets was because I was drunk.

Right. What were you taking pictures of? I was just like, oh, they're little fucking, look at this, they're little dunnies. And look, here's a picture of me pissing into them. And they're like, no, that'll probably do. And this is 15 years ago. So this is on just like a digital camera. Yeah.

No, no, no, no. This is on like a proper. Oh, film. So they just heard the like click of the shutter from in the... I guess so. This is on one of those ones where you have to throw the blanket over your head and go... This is the bird coming out and chiselling on the slate. He's having his toilet paper to do it.

So I had to go from there to a pub and then i went to this pub and then the staff the the the layover staff of quantus were drinking there so after a week i hadn't spoken any english to anyone and then there's quanta staff and so i went mental and like i could speak english to everyone so i was like crazy desperate drunk guy just coming up like relearning english to people like going oh hello hello want to see my toilet pics yeah yeah no we don't mate so that night ended

me getting so like that was the most drunk I've ever gotten at that stage I reckon and it got so bad like I'd been so polite to everyone in Japan

learning their language and everything I got so drunk that the Aussies found me too much of a cunt right and they put me on a bus and sent me to fucking nowhere. Like, they were, oh, you've had enough to drink and put me on this bus.

And I get on the bus and I'm like, I don't know where the fuck this bus is going. And then I just got out in the middle of fucking nowhere. And I'm like, all right, well, I guess I'm trying to walk home now. And then just tried to find my way back to the hotel. Oh, I thought when you were saying that, I thought the airport staff were like, not on duty, but I thought you were at the airport. No, no, no.

Right, right. At some pub. I thought, man, I would love that if just before your flight. Oh, yeah, they fucked me off from the airport. They put you on a bus. Get out of here. You're like, get home, fuckwit. It's also, it's frustrating too, travelling, when you come back home

and you're like, oh, they do some stuff better than us. It's annoying that the world's so big that we don't share stuff. I feel like once the human race in one section does something that's better, everyone should just adopt that. Like when you go to Japan and you have toilets that are electric, heated seats, have a spray for your bum, like bidets. Fuck, I want to take a picture of you. But I don't see either of those things.

Neither of those things are a win for me. I don't want a heated seat. If the seat's heated, I'm like, who's just been on it? Yeah, but I thought that too until I sat on a heated seat that had just been me on it and it's the best. I was there in summer and they still had a bunch of them on, which is just one of the most fucking, like being in a humid room already and the seat is like a million degrees.

But today I'm just not a bum gun. I'm just not a fan of. But just having paper, it's weird. Yeah, but wouldn't you call it a bum gun? I'm not a fan all of a sudden either. But today I quite liked it a second ago. It's because I picture the ones in Thailand that you have water fights with. Right, right. You know where it's actually a bum gun. Oh, that you have water fights with. Right.

You know where it's actually a bum gun. They have an actual gun, don't they? Yeah, it's a bum gun. A hose-like thing. It's a bum gun. Yeah, right. Isn't that just a horrible example of Australia where it's like bidet, bum gun. The thing I find funniest about the liquor coils.

I'm just quite proud of it. I know. I never heard it. It tickled me, but it also made me go, we're fucked. Same thing afternoon. Oh, we're fucked. Says, I'll take some snaps in the shitter guy. The funny thing about the electric toilets in Japan

is that it does mean that every toilet needs to have a PowerPoint in it, which I find very, very funny. It's true, but I would take that any day. I even tried to convince Tommy to do it here when you were renovating it. That would be great. Shipping in a toilet from Japan to have just in your share house. I'll either move there or ship one in.

I don't know which one yet, but I'll order one of it. I really loved it. I just think it's such a... We can order in one of those toilets. Get a full Hello Kitty Dunny in here. Yeah, I will leave it with me here. Let's make it a Christmas present for us.

For us. Come on, you guys are both earning Japanese toilet money. You can do it. We're earning bum gun money. Yeah. You guys both get paid in yen, don't you? It should be pretty easy. Just for water fights.

You could get to know each other over a water fight. Oh, a day next to the toilet and then we can sit next to each other just chatting about how many meals we have a day. While you see the meals come out of the other end

of each of you. It's beautiful in a way. And just counting the shits out. Breakfast, lunch, gunk. We could pick up

the poo and try and guess what each other had for the meal. That's right. Just good fun, you know That's right I'm surprised you haven't washed your hands already Just thinking of that idea, McGregor I've got weird

Fetishes Weird fetishes, yeah But yeah, he's got to be you Some stuff, I'm really Jeremy stuff, if it's If I Got to wash my hands Before I eat

But if If the meal's really good And I drop it That's fine If something tastes good enough I'll let go of my stuff Right Yeah

Right I don't know why So if something's really nice You can drop it I found three hairs In a garlic enchilada once Because I love that enchilada so much I just can't

On the third hair I'm just like love that enchilada so much. On the third hair, I'm just like, oh man, lucky. There's so much garlic in this, it's so good. Was it correlated? Did you have any alcohol in your system at the time? No. I was sober. I was with my parents at a restaurant.

Right. Because I've also witnessed a day where I've seen you weigh and calorie count a chicken breast and some salad during the day yeah and then that night um have walked in the door at about midnight with two meat pies so you don't spend all day kicking around yeah Yeah. But I accounted for those. No, it was a waste of time. All right, guys. We better wrap it up for another week on the Little Dum Dum Club. Tommy Little, Luke McGregor, thank you very much for joining us. Hey, boys.

Thanks for having us, guys. Little, you've got a tour coming up. Yeah. This year. Yeah. The festivals. Everywhere. I'll be everywhere.

It's called Self-Diagnosed Genius, and it's everywhere. Cool. Anywhere that you are, I'll be coming. Perth. Adelaide. Yep. South America. Yep, South America, I do regret.

Tickets are not moving. They heard about the no Espanol, and they're a little pissed off, to be honest. Your title's in English, which probably didn't help. But yeah, Brizzy, Goldie. There's a few of those. Goldie? Yeah, Sydney. I think Tassie.

Yeah. Everywhere. All the majors and a few extra regionals. Cool. So if you're in a regional and Tommy Little's not there, he thinks you're a cunt. Yes. You know what?

Yeah. Yeah, right. Luke Rosehaven back gen 30 yep that's gen 30 watch it on iview if you can

because then that counts towards the ratings but if you watch it on tv unless you've got one of those set top boxes

we never know so if you've got a set top box use it if you've got a set top box use it but if you don't

have a set top box use it on iview can I be so cheeky to suggest people double dump so even if you've got a set top box watch ittop box, use it on iview. Can I be so cheeky to suggest people double dump? So even if you've got a set-top box, watch it, but then also watch it. Oh, hit up on iview, yeah. Can you leave a rock on your laptop that just is on the refresh button?

It just has, it just refreshes iview over and over again. You can, but it's very much Ferris Bueller, I'll put the car in reverse. Right. The K's off the speedo. So yes, head 30. All right, check that out, guys. Thanks very much for listening, and we'll see you next time. See you, mate.

That's a police term. And they've done it again. They have. If we didn't mention it, we were at their house. I think we did mention it. We mentioned it, yeah. We went to their house. What an unlikely odd couple they are.

I think we did mention it. We mentioned it, yeah. We went to their house. What an unlikely odd couple they are. What's the deal there? Because Luke was meant to just be living there temporarily while he was in between houses. Yeah. And that was like a year ago.

Yeah. Yeah. I meant to ask him. Does he just live there full time now? I guess that's what's going on. Well, I guess if you live there for a year, I guess that's what you do. Yeah. But I think he's looking around. Right.

I think he's looking around. Interesting. Yeah. Fun ep.'s what you do. Yeah. But I think he's looking around. Right. I think he's looking around. Oh, interesting. Yeah. Fun ep. Fun ep. Yeah. Yeah. A real hot one on the day we recorded this.

I don't know if you felt that, but I definitely felt. Temperature-wise. Temperature-wise, yeah. I was sitting there feeling a bit sluggish in that warm environment. You were right under the air condo. I was under the event. Yeah. So, I was fine.

Yeah. I was like, I could do it again. I could do it all over again. But we're back. First proper ep of 2019 that we've recorded, I guess. That's correct, isn't it? We set the benchmark. Yeah.

That was all right. It was all right. We had a bumper. Fuck, we've got a lot to live up to. 2018. I know. 2018 was going to be our year. And it was.

So, it was fun, much fun. So let's try and keep that standard. Like I said, we've got a bunch of live shows coming up. Brisbane, we're back. That'll sell out. Canberra, that won't sell out, but come anyway. Melbourne, Melbourne will sell out. Yep.

So do that. We've got those four shows on the set. You can buy individual tickets or you can get the season pass, of course. That'll save you money, but you can get season individuals. If you're coming in from interstate or anything like that, we've got the late night show. All those details are on the website, but it is a really crucial, cool time to get your shit together

for the Coast of Millie International Podcast Festival at the moment. Cool time to get your shit together for the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival at the moment. I have been scaring people into getting their bookings for the Ozo Chiueng Samui Resort, which is the official home of the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival. That and the beautiful Amari Resort, which is just up the road. You've got your option of both of them. You can either stay at the Ozo, which is where the podcast will be, or you can be at the Sister Resort, which is just up the road, if you want to be away from the crowds.

And it's slightly more expensive and it's slightly bigger. Rooms are slightly bigger. Buffet is fucking bigger. Yep. Which is cool. So you've got those choices. Now, look, I have been saying the time is running out to get your full biggest discount you can possibly get uh the manager of the ozo has just extended it by a month

so if you were worried about that and i know a few people of you were getting your shit together trying to get leave from your work getting your money together that is fine uh you now have another month some people i'm just trying to put a few little bits out there that some some people not quite aware of how it all works um it is not that expensive with the discount so if you put in the podcast uh 19 code uh if you've got any questions hit us up but if you put in that code when you're booking the minimum of those five nights i think it is uh you get a massive discount i think think before tax, it comes to about $100 a night and then after tax. Goddamn tax. Then after tax.

I think it goes up to about $120 or $125 or something like that a night, which is pretty good for a fucking dream resort. For what it is, that's an amazing price. Yeah, it's insane. Especially if you're coming with your partner or with another person and you're sharing a room. It's a pretty insane deal. If you're going by yourself, it is still a good deal. It's a better deal because you get the whole bed to yourself.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, you're splitting the room, but you're getting less real estate. Yeah, that's the cheapest room, of course. There's more expensive rooms. But again, I just want to put that play out some people get a bit worried they want to go but they're travelling by themselves

guys if you want to meet people you can A meet people when you get there it'll all happen automatically but if you want to get in any of our forums

in the people aware little dumb dumb club Facebook group meet some people or you go to a live show if you come to the Melbourne or you come to Canberra you come to Brisbane

heaps of our mates that listen and stuff, they hang around, they all congregate and they've all made friends and whatever. Great place to meet people at those live shows and then figure out if you want to spend time with them overseas and all that sort of stuff. I was thinking about this yesterday. I think what we could maybe do to scare up a bit of interest over there in the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival,

because there's not a lot of local interest in it. No. It's all overseas attendees. Yes. Now, you'd probably know better than I would how this would work, but have you seen any of this stuff recently about Coachella, about how the rumour is, the story that's kind of gotten out into the press is that Kanye West was meant to be one of the headliners, and at the last minute, he he bailed because he was demanding

that they build a giant dome for him to perform in and they were like, he wouldn't budge on this and they were like, absolutely not. Now, could we leak a story like that about us to the local Koh Samui paper? You know, that some other resort, we were almost going to do it at a different resort to the Ozo, but we had this, we wanted them to build a specific, like some kind of

site-specific podcast recording facility for us and they refused and so we were like, absolutely not. Just to get ourselves some clout over there on the streets of Chiwang. I'm more happy to leak that Kanye West is coming to do a podcast. Oh, interesting. Okay. Yeah, he's going

to be the new dollop. All of a sudden Kanye is going to have just a writing job on some sitcom that comes up out of nowhere. Yeah, and then we have to do how we did a half dollop this year. Yeah. We do a half Kanye. And it's just deal with auto-tune on. Yeah.

Singing the hits. It's just deal with a severe head injury. But we could – do you think we could do that from here, kind of like leak some stories about us to the local Koh Samui Times paper? Man, I wish. Here's the thing, and I think I've talked about this before, but I follow the, is it called the Samui Times on Facebook? I love it.

And there's barely any stories about anything that happens in Koh Samui. All they're doing is writing stories about the island of Koh Tao, which is like about an hour and a half away, and just putting story after story about how people keep dying over there. Right. Well, there you go. So we factor that in. We play to what we know they like writing about.

Right. So we say maybe it's something like we were almost going to hold it in Koh Tao this year. Right. But something happened. There was three hosts of this show and one of us got murdered in Koh Tao. Yes. That's good. There we go.

That's how we can get ourselves some coverage in the Koh Samui time. That's all they run. They run. They hate Koh Tao and all they do is put stories about how bad Koh Tao is and how many people get murdered there. Right. They call it Murder Island. Right, right. Yeah.

Well, there we go. We could pitch a story about that, about how Samui beat out Koh Tao at the last minute. We refused to perform there. Well, we were running scared because, you know, Andre, our third co-host, got murdered in the middle of the night by natives. Yeah. So, yeah, okay, there we go. So, Andre, we'll have to come up with a whole backstory for Andre.

I'd love to pitch to have a comic strip in the Koh Samui Times. That would be pretty cool. If I was like Koh Samui's Jim Davis. Yeah. Like I get there and there's just people with books waiting for me to sign them. That would be pretty cool. Why don't we start off our own Facebook page then for like the… RIP Andre.

No, no, no, no, no. So, like Koh Samui is a one newspaper town, obviously. Yeah. Koh Samui R.I.P. Andre. No, no, no, no, no. So like, Koh Samui is a one newspaper town, obviously, with Koh Samui Time. Yeah. Well, let's, you know, there needs to be a second media there,

obviously. Ah, okay. Like we could have the Koh Samui Sun or the Koh Samui Argus. So we start our own competing newspaper for the five days that we're there. Yeah. That's pretty good.

We just run a lot of pro-festival stories but look, we want normal Koh Samui residents to read it so we chuck in a few fake deaths

that are happening in Koh Tao as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just to appeal to the locals. Just so people know it's a real newspaper. Yes. Because people out there

probably think you're not a real form of media unless you're talking about murders on an island an hour and a half away from you. Yeah. Right.

That's, yeah, I love it. That's great. Great. We can get that going for sure. Well, we've got plenty of time to do extra dumb fuck and stuff like that, so why don't we do that? Yeah. Nothing like a good little riff on the show that then leads to an astronomical amount of work for the two of us. Just a flight of fancy to make the show interesting for people to listen to that then translates into once the mics go off,

oh, cool, there's eight hours down the drain. Exactly. The pop-up shop was a great example of that. Yes. I'm telling my wife, can you hold that kid in a little bit more because I've got more social media stuff to do. Put a cork up there and just give me another four months. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Why? Because I'm making a fake newspaper. Okay, that makes sense. Yes, and very quickly, we did mention in the app, but thanks once again to everyone who came down to the pop-up shop in Melbourne. That was great fun. It was great. And surprising amounts of merch was sold.

I thought a lot of people were just coming down for free beers and the sticky nose and stuff like that. We didn't talk about it properly in the app, but we got some new things made up. We got an Everything is Rick t-shirt made up. Yes. And we also got a printed edition of the best bits of the Patreon magazine from the last three years. Yep.

And the leftover stock of them will be going up on our web shop pretty soon. Yeah. So keep an eye out for that. You'll be able to buy both of those things. They both look awesome. They both came out fucking great. Yes. And you also made up a little best of Damien Hegarty,

the best porn stories. Yes, a collection of my dad's pornos, which I think there's a few left over of. Also, I don't think we've talked about this on the actual show, but with the Christmas show, we did give out a little special gift to everyone that came along, which is a little magnet, a little fridge magnet. We'll put up visuals of that online, but it's a little magnet that says, don't blame me,

I voted for Crunchy, with a little picture of Crunchy as drawn by you. So we can put them online. Also, if you've been ordering a t-shirt or stuff like that, I've just been chucking one in as a free little complimentary gift as well. So if you're ordering shirts from now on in, I'll chuck one of them in as well until we run out of stock. Yep. Cool.

Yeah, a bit of merch news there. One last plug too. I have a solo show coming up in Canberra. It's the night that we're doing the pod and also in Melbourne for basically the whole comedy festival. It's called Balding Cherub. It's going to be a lot of fun. So get tickets to that. I've got to start pluggingub. It's going to be a lot of fun.

So get tickets to that. I've got to start plugging that more because I haven't really been talking about it. Yeah. Well, I'll do this. I am yet to put it online. So what I'm going to do with what's coming up with me in the next month or two, I decided I would not have time to write a complete hour of new jokes for the comedy festival. So what I'm going to do is we do in Melbourne

we do a live podcast every Saturday at 4.30. Immediately after that I'm going to do a once a week gig that is me

a solo show but it's going to be very loose. It's not going to be it's going to be a bit more like ones from a couple of years ago where I had hair clips

and stuff like that and a lot of fuck around stuff. So this one's going to be loose as opposed to the strict professional standard that you hold yourself to when you usually do a solo show. This is looser than that. So there'll be a lot of little fuck around bits. It's going to be – it's one of those things.

It's nearly going to be like a one-man podcast, I guess. Okay, right. So there's going to be jokes in there. So you'll be there with the big drum kit on your back, little monkey with an organ grinder. Totally. Absolutely. So I'll put that on sale at some stage,

but that'll be cheaper because I don't expect people to come in and pay full price for a completely written show when a lot of it's going to be calling people in the front row. I can't. Yeah. But a bunch of little segments built into it. I'm actually genuinely really looking forward to it. I think it's going to be really fun.

Yeah. So there's that as well. Yeah. Yeah, and mine's on, I think, pretty much every night of the week except for the first three nights. And it's a self-help seminar about how to be comfortable with yourself being a complete fuck-up. So that's going to be a lot of fun.

Right. You can learn some tips from the master yeah uh mine do you have a title mine no not yet not yet where do you get off plugging something when you haven't even given it a name yet well i guess that's true of your kid yeah am i plugging my kid you've been talking about it you've been promoting the fact that it's happening yeah i don't know if it's promoting but but I'm just stating it, I guess. I don't – promoting makes it sound like I'm somehow going to make money off it. Haven't you been selling tickets to the birth?

No. I must have misheard. No, I don't think my wife even wants me to be there. No, that's not true. No. I'm cutting the cord, apparently. Really? Yeah, that'll be fun.

That's cool. How'd you get that? It's all who you know and i know my wife so uh hey you mentioned the patreon best of uh magazine that we put out which has come up a treat yeah it looks awesome we've we've looked back at it and it's got look hey it's got great illustrations tommy day so it really jumps out a lot of color in there a lot of movement um it it makes me it's a rare moment of me going fuck all that time that we spent doing it for the patreon subscribers fuck it's such a pain in the ass

but then you look at it and go oh fuck we've done a good thing for the last couple years because by the time we send it out i look over it but i'm just sick of looking you know it's like cool just it's done get it out yeah but going back through three years of them and going through stuff that i'd forgotten yeah i was like, there's some great stuff in here. And it is, yeah, when it goes on sale, definitely get your hands on one because it's 76 pages. It's fair to say it's a weighty tome. It's nice and thick. It feels like a, you know, it's like, cool, you can feel like there's three years worth of work in here.

Would you say it's like you 18 months ago? A weighty tome. Yeah. Yeah, no, it's come up a treat and if you've been one of those people that don't subscribe to patreon and you're looking at it with absolutely fresh eyes fuck it is a good read there's uh you know lots of jokes about dill being fat nice to put out a thing that is just now horribly dated it's a nice little time capsule. It is. Of that wonderful time in our lives when Dil was fat. Well, chronologically, you go through it and some of the first stuff in there is you having the shits about people saying that you were 40 when you weren't 40 yet.

Right, right, right. And the same with not having proposed yet. Yeah. It really is a walk down memory lane. Fuck, what a dream. It's a little time capsule. What a dream time in hindsight. There's stuff. Being only 40.

There's stuff in there from the three months that I was at uni. I mean, it's a real blast from the past. Wow. Yeah. So it's the closest to an autobiography we're ever going to put out, I guess. Kind of, yeah. What if we did that? An autobiography of us.

Let's start on that after the Koh Samui newspaper. The little Dum Dum Club story. Yep. All right. that after the Koh Samui newspaper. The little dum-dum club story. Yep.

All right. So if you want to get that fresh stuff, who knows if we'll ever do another compendium like that again. What stuff will be

dated in three years time? Yeah. So if you want to get that shit fresh off the presses, our magazine that comes out every

month, two patron subscribers, and the bonus episode that comes up, and you know what, and bonus little other bits and pieces. Like every now and then if we create something accidentally and it's super fun, we put it out to the Patreon subscribers and say thank you for sticking with us.

For example, at the moment you're currently putting, we didn't mention this, but on the pop-up store that we did, you created a mix of songs as the official Dum Dum Club pop-up radio show station. The official radio station of the official pop-up shop of the little Dumb Dumb Club. Like Kevin's Warehouse. Dumb Dumb FM. Like Officeworks.

Coles Radio. Coles Radio, I should say. Yes. We did that, which means there were a lot of songs, but then we DJed in between it. Yeah. There was a lot of new content. Every two songs, there was us chiming in. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Talk break, as they say in the radio world, as I've learned from afar. But, yeah, so there's a bunch of that. And it was very funny. It was very fun. So we're putting that mix out to all the Patreon subscribers as well so they can play that in their room and pretend they're in a shop for some reason. Yeah, totally. Also, of course, a bonus thing that we do every week on the show

is that we read out the people who put into Patreon that we're very appreciative to. We get out the Unplanned Title Alternator and we randomly pluck anywhere between 1,000 and 10,000 names. Sometimes we... This week we're going to land smack bang in the middle of those two figures and do five. Yep. Directly in the center of one and – what did you say? 10,000.

Yes. So – Wow. Lucky it's such a small number. So let's crack in. Yep. As your news resolution last week, let's try and fucking keep this a bit shorter, which we haven't really done so far. You're meant to be meeting someone in three minutes.

Yes. So let's see if we can do a 20-second read through to this. I don't think that you've learnt the lesson that I've learnt, which is any time you're making plans after the pod, it always goes longer than you think it's going to go to. Right. So starting at four, I'll meet you at 8pm. Okay, cool.

Carl? Cool, shut up. Carl, here's the thing I've learnt about time. Shut up. It always takes longer Fuck up Than you think it's gonna take Shut the fuck up

You can't just expect To be in and out of here Within an hour Number one It's always gonna be longer The first name we're reading out This week is Thank you to Patreon subscriber

Thomas Talzma No Thomas Talzma Talzma Talzma Now that is a fake name Not into it That's a fake name Fake name? Yeah Thomas Talsma. Talsma. Talsma. Now, that is a fake name.

Not into it. That's a fake name. Fake name? Yeah. That's like you. But if you could make up anything, why would you make up Talsma? Well, why would you make up Dasolo? It sounds cool. You hear that, you think, what a cool guy.

Right. Okay, that's fair. That's how I met. That's how I met you. Because I just saw the name in the phone book. I was like, I've got to hunt this guy down. Yeah, you went to Yellow Pages and you looked up C for cool guys. Yeah, yes.

And there I was, the only entry in there. Yeah. Thomas tells me. Going by Thomas as well. That's very bold. I feel like the only time you ever really see that is in a movie where it's like they're wanting to convey to you that someone is like a bit of an egghead. You know what I mean?

It's someone who's gone by Thomas and not Tom or Tommy or anything like that. Right. Sounds like this cunt has invented an electric car or something. The Talsma. The Talsma. The Thomas Talsma. Yeah, Thomas. Oh, yeah.

And it's alliteration as well. Yeah. Yuck. There's so many stripes here. Tommy Talsma. Tommy Talsma. Tommy T. Yeah, I don't know know don't know about that last

name i've never you know it's always an education to find out about these last names that i thought have never existed it's like it feels like some sort of nature documentary every week right wow there's a new fucking breed of something i'd never heard of the talsma before it is a very interesting way of getting a bit of a bit of a snapshot of what's out there in the world you know the wider community beyond just your network of friends. Exactly. Like we're in a sheltered life here. Before now, we never even knew there was a Talsma family out there.

Yep, yep, yep. And I don't think we're the richer for it. I think I'm a bit sadder that there's a name like that running around out there. I mean, I don't know. It gives you a bit more like appreciation for when you, you know, meet someone with a good one. Right, right, right, right, right, right.

Yeah. I mean, I'm going to go have lunch with someone after this who has the surname Jaya Singer. Now, previously I would have thought, what a fucking idiotic name. What a dumb, what a fucking dumb piece of shit this guy must be. Yes. But now that I've heard Talsma, it puts it all into perspective. Right. And you say you're going to have lunch with this guy.

How many? You're going to do five? Have you ever heard of such a thing? Wow. Okay. Fuck. Someone's a nice get. Yeah.

We're going to meet at a food court. Oh, God. Yeah. Of course, yeah. Is he going to just... One of each. One of each? Do a hot lap? Thomas Talsma. Of course, yeah. Is he going to just... One of each. One of each? Do a hot lap?

Thomas Talsma. Thomas Talsma. All right. Well, you know, look, I appreciate the money that you shipped in. So do I, just for the record. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, I think... I appreciate it especially considering you could have saved that to spend on a change

of deed poll or something like that. Yeah, right. I mean, we're ridiculing this guy, but maybe we're the very reason that he hasn't been able to change it. Right. It's just $69 short. Right, right. Maybe it was even worse.

Maybe he has changed it. It was just like Thomas Dick sucker. And he's like, well, Talisman is pretty safe. Imagine. Thomas, that sounds weird. Your dad's last name was Dick Sucker and your mum's last name was Imagine. So you've got to have an answer name. If your last name's Dick Sucker, don't call your kid Thomas.

Well, thanks, Thomas. Thanks, Thomas. God. Fuck. Anyway, I was supposed to meet my friends one minute ago. So, thank you to Patreon subscriber Anna Wilkinson. Wilkinson. Can't say I'm into it.

Oh, two in a row. Don't like it. Negative vibes. Yeah, don't like Wilkinson. I once bagged you for being too positive on this segment, but two for two. Anna I like, but Wilkinson, nah. Remember when there was a Silverchair song called Anna, what was it called?

Anna's Song? Anna's Song, yeah. And it was like, you know, you're supposed to give Song Rose a bit more respect for the metaphors and whatever it is, and it was just like there was a lyric in there, like Anna, you know, like someone was called anorexic and it's like, come on, cunt. Yeah.

Think about it a little bit more than this. Oh, so it's about him having anorexia, but then there was the character in the song was called Anna. Look, I'll get you pulled up on that, but it was like. Rexia. It was something like that. Well, he did have anorexia. Yeah.

So, yeah. But do you need to, I don't know, fucking pretty clunky metaphor. Did you like Silverchair? Not really. yeah but do you need to I don't know fucking pretty clunky metaphor did you like Silverchair uh not really it was a bit you know time wise you know

bands and whatever that come out it's gotta be the right time doesn't it I thought it would've been right in your wheelhouse no it was a little bit late

because ah okay you saw the real with me and my mates you saw the real thing you saw Nirvana and that sort of stuff

and then you saw them after but you weren't excited by their like being a local version of that uh nah not really not really because there were a bunch of fucking but that's the thing like i don't know how old i was maybe i was 18 or 19 something like that and then there's a bunch of 14 year olds you don't go cool okay yeah that is a little that is a little old yeah i was never i was never into him i remember like my friend i was kind of like the right age to be

impressed by it and a lot of my friends were into it. And then I could never quite get into it. But I did really like their later stuff when I think a lot of people, like Straight Lines I think is a great song. I agree. I think Straight Lines is one of the best songs of this country. Right. I think it's great. I think it's a very good song. I also like the

stuff that Daniel Johns did with Paul Mack, The Dissociatives. I was re-listening to that album the other day. It's great. Yeah. I liked, you know what? I would say this. Maybe my favourite film clip, my favourite music video in Australian history is the Freak

film clip. I haven't seen it in such a long time, but I vaguely know what you're talking about. Oh, maybe it's not that good. But I really like the bits where they're playing in front of big heaters. Just a great visual. Go look up the clip of, it's from recently, Daniel Johns and Luke Steele talking about their new project, being interviewed on, I think, Music Max about it.

And they are out of their fucking minds. And this poor guy interviewing them, just floundering through this interview, it is such a fucking great watch. Yeah. I described them on something else as the bebop and rocksteady of Australian music. Right. They're just dressed like complete cunts. They've both gotten, I think their band is called Dreams or something.

Yes. And they've both gotten it tattooed on their necks when they haven't even brought the album out yet. Yeah. It's so good. He is, yeah, he's fucked. Luke Steele? No.

Daniel Johns? Yeah. I mean, they both are, but yeah. He is, what I would say, I would say this is a perfect summation of what he is. There's a very famous, in my bunch of friends in Mirabar, there's a very famous bit of graffiti in the underpass, in the Mirabar underpass, and it said what I think of him.

It said what I think of Daniel Johns. It said this, fucked up for life, man, wicked. Cool. That's what he is. Okay. Yeah. So fucked up for life. no no sorry it said skunk fucks you up for life man ah wicked okay cool yeah so you think he's fucked up for life but

the wicked bit is like you think there's something pretty cool about that oh no i've more i'm more see it as a conversation between me and him where i'm saying skunk fucks you up for life, man. And he just goes wicked. And he says wicked. Thus proving your point. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Okay, cool. He, yeah, fuck.

That's so funny because it's like, oh, Silverchair, this, you know, famous band or whatever. Oh, I wonder if they'll get back together. It's like, man, they seem like absolute poles apart. Like, those band members, like, must look at each other now and go, how the fuck did we even meet? 100 the other two are just these fucking surf bogans that'll like probably just working on their cars all day well one of them uh which one is it his wife is on the real housewives of melbourne so he's like a fucking reality tv guy yeah yeah yeah anyway thanks anna thanks anna wow um thanks wilco we're really racing through this by our standards.

Fuck. Just tell Ollie to come here. But then you'll have to let him in. They're fine. They're at the pub. There's things to do. Oh, right. Because Blakey's there as well.

I'm meeting friends of the show, Brett Blake, Nick Capper, and Oliver Clark. Oh, right. Okay. I thought Ollie was just sitting there by himself. No. Okay, right. Well, that's okay. Yeah, okay. I thought Ollie was just sitting there by himself. No. Okay, right. Well, that's okay. Yeah, look, for people that want to know,

we're currently recording this. As I'm about to meet those three, to go to the tennis, I think they do. They're like this bit. To go to the tennis on a day that's predicted to be 36 degrees, and for some reason we've decided that bringing Nick Capper to an outdoor event when it's going to be 36 degrees is a good idea. Better than bringing him to an indoor event that you have to walk to in 36 degrees.

At least the ventilation, the airflow will be good. Yep. So if you hear in the news that there's been a day of the Australian Open tennis called off because of odour reasons, you'll know why. Do you remember a few years ago when there was a massive heat wave during the tennis and players were hallucinating and shit? And there was all this talk of like, is this fair to make them play? Like at what point do they just not have a game?

Right. Do you think that'll be the case today? Right. Where it's like players hallucinating but it's because of the stench. Yeah. Yeah. It's like you see people instead of like on the side of the court with like a wet face washer over their neck or whatever,

they're just there with a clothes peg on their nose having a break. The SARS mask on. Anyway, we love Kappa. Yeah. Oh, you know what? All the jokes that we make about him, I want to say I've never officially ever smelt anything bad of him. So I just like the jokes.

Yeah. Someone started the jokes and it's like, well, Dil's not fat anymore. We've got to have something like that. Yeah. So I want to say to everyone out there, because people fucking jump in and start bashing Kappa and Kappa's actually a nice guy. So, you know, some randoms get in there and just...

That has always been the problem with this podcast is that we get together with our friends and we have a bit of a muck around and then some stranger fucking has a go at you online with the little ribs that your mates make about you and it's like, cunt, I don't know you. Yes, all of that. So we love Kappa.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber Justin Turner. Justin Turner. Whenever I see Justin, I'm always waiting for the second name to be a bit of a joke because it's like that Justin case, Justin, you know. But I don't think this is a joke. I think this is for real. I'm a little triggered by a certain part of this name.

Justin Turner. Oh, when you used to go out with Tina Turner? Yeah, that's it. Right, okay. I'm Ike Turner. Isn't he bad? Wait, he's really bad, isn't he? Yes, and dead. No, I'm not him. Okay, cool. Okay, no, I guess as long as I'm dead, Turner. Isn't he bad? Wait, he's really bad, isn't he? Yes.

And dead. No, I'm not him. Okay. Okay, no. I guess as long as I'm dead, that makes it okay. I don't know if that heals everything. If I was a bad guy, but I'm now dead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess that's fine.

I got my comeuppance. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, everyone does, but yeah. Comes for all of us. He gone. He gone. I'm trying to figure out why you are triggered by it. I'll tell you off air.

Oh, okay. That's good. All right. I thought you'd get it. I thought it'd just be a nice little. Oh, a little Easter egg. A nice little Easter egg for you. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. All right. Well, I look forward to being off air. It shows how little attention you pay to my life. Justin. Justin. Yeah, I mean, there's not a lot going on here, is there? We can probably just call this one early.

You're right, though, that Justin does always lead me to think that there's going to be something. There's something coming. There's something coming. Justin. Have you ever met a Turner? Yes. Have you? Yes.

Nice. Yes. Nothing to report about it? Yes. Have you? Yes. Nice. Yes. Nothing to report about it? What do you mean? I just thought you might have a tale about someone that you've met with the last name Turner before, that's all. Did you not hear what I said before? About the Triggered?

Yes. Oh, I don't fucking know. All right, so there's something where you know someone with the last name Turner. I don't even know this. Oh, my God. Let's move on. Okay.

This must be someone that I never knew the last name of. Oh, wow. All right. I'm starting to piece this together. Are you? I don't think you are at all. Oh, okay. Fuck.

I think I'm trying. I'm trying. I've got to guess. I've got to guess. Oh, man. Okay. I think I'm trying. I'm trying. I've got to guess. I've got to guess. Oh, man. Okay. All right. All right.

Thanks, Justin. Let's stop the show now so I can find out. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. And thanks a lot, Justin, for fucking triggering Tommy like this. You fucking arsehole. And thanks, Justin, for making it so hard for Carl to work out what I was talking about. I can't wait.

Thank you too. Patron subscriber Imogen McInnes. Ooh. Now, this also triggers me. Does it? Yeah. In what way? Because I was a big Blue Heelers fan.

Oh, right. The great William McInnes was on. And that triggers you? Yeah. In what way? Because I was a big Blue Heelers fan. Oh, right. It's the great William McInnes. And that triggers you? Yeah. Right. Okay. I think Imogen is a very attractive name. I 100% agree.

It's like a smouldering name. Yeah. Very... I could imagine Imogen being in some sort of jazz club with one of those long cigarette holder things. Yeah. It would be cool if like doctors had kind of the license to like when a kid is born, if you go,

I'm going to give it this very attractive name, if they just sort of look at the kid and they're like, I'm going to have to put the kibosh on this. I don't see it panning out. I don't see this kid living up to this name. Well, particularly what about when you, I mean, this is something that i'll have to go through very soon where like say an imogen and you go say if my wife said to me oh it's come out a girl what about imogen and me going nah your wife would have to say that to you yes you're cutting the cord and

you just wouldn't be able to tell that for yourself. Yes. Call it women's intuition. Yes. I'm guessing this is a boy. Yes. And she says, what about Imogen? And me going, no, that gets my dickie too hard. That's a hot name. That's a hot name. We can't name this baby after a hot chick. Right.

So anyone that you've like busted to previously. Yeah. Any one that's got a similar name to a porn star. No chance of Pamela Chandler. Pamela Chandler. Absolutely no chance. Can't happen. Is that why you don't want it to be called Tommy?

No chance of Pamela Chandler. Yes, you're absolutely right. That's hard. I've never met anyone who I've been attracted to that I've then discovered has the same name as my mother, but I have wondered if that would be like, yeah, if that would be a big deal breaker. Right.

Because someone was saying that to me the other day. They were like, couldn't ever date someone. It was a female friend saying, couldn't ever date someone with the same name as my dad or brother. Right. And, yeah, I was like, well, I've never – yeah, I've never met – I've never gotten to that – to a point with someone where I've been like, hey, this person's pretty cool.

And then they're like, you know, my name is Mrs. Allsop. My name is David Allsop. Well, well done, Imogen. I'm going to categorically say that if I end up having a daughter, I'm not naming it after you because your name's too hot. Okay. Interesting. There you go.

All right. All right. Well, we've got one more. Yep. We've got to rush through this because it's only minus 13 minutes until I'm supposed to meet my friends. Wow. You could still make it.

Oh, yeah. If I read it really, really quick. Or if you read it so really quick or if you read it so slowly right that time loops back around itself and then you'll be early again

yeah if I find a sports almanac in the middle of this read alright okay alright we're on we're ready

this is the last one yep alright let's just let's just hope that this last one is a simple one that we don't have to talk about and doesn't trigger you at all.

And then we can just get out of here. Yep, cool. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Turner Comedy. Yep. Right. Like Ike Turner. Rings a bell. Yeah.

Turner Comedy. Turner Comedy. Well, as you can see, I'm violently convulsing. Sweat is just pouring down my head. Really? Why? Yeah. Comedy, the surname triggers you?

Yeah, the name Comedy. Right. Yeah. That's weird. Yeah. Because I'm sure we've said that word before on the pod. Really? I'm sure.

Well, I've never had this reaction before while we've been recording, so that can't be the case. We've been doing this for a few years. Right. And we've said a lot of words on this show. I'm pretty sure this is one of them. No? No, well, I've never had this reaction before.

Well, to be fair, I've never seen you sweat this much and be speaking into the microphone from under a rug. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is weird. Well, because it's the same, comedy's the same surname as an ex of mine. Oh, really? Yeah.

Who's that? What was the first name? Mrs. Comedy. Oh, right. Wow. That's right. You had an affair with Mrs. Comedy. I did have an affair with Mrs. Comedy.

Right, fuck. Yeah. It was a real, it was your Mrs. Robinson. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was Mrs. Comedy. Yeah. Yeah, I real – it was your Mrs. Robinson. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was Mrs. Comedy. Yeah. Yeah, I thought comedy – I kept saying she'll be back and as you can often tell by my performance

on this show, it hasn't happened yet. It was your reboot of The Graduate. Here's to you, Mrs. Comedy. It's me banging on the glass. Mrs. Comedy. What would you say in the lyric of that song? Here's to you, Mrs. Comedy. The Joe DiMaggio line.

How would that be? What's the line? What's the actual line? I don't know. We can work on this. I want it now Let's get one of our Let's get one of our Singer, songwriter, listeners to the stars

To work on this for us It's What is it Here's to you Joe DiMaggio Yeah Yeah That's right

Here's to you Joe DiMaggio Jolton Joe So who's So your question is Who's the Joe DiMaggio of comedy? Yes. Right. That's exactly what I'm asking.

Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio? Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio? Yeah. Where have you gone? So it's like five syllables. So you need a name of a comedian with five syllables in it. Where have you gone, Nick Capper? You exposed your armpits and everyone has gone away.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey. That'll do. That'll do. Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to have a 69er with me? That's good. That'll do. That'll do it.

That's done Simon and Garfunkel. That's given them a great tribute Yep Alright guys Thank you very much for listening Thank you to everyone who supports us on Patreon It's very much appreciated LittleDumbDumbClub.com

If you want links to the Patreon All the tickets for the upcoming shows That we have going on We will see you at one of those And at the solo shows All that kind of stuff Thanks again for listening And we'll see you next time

See you mates