The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 433 - Fiona O'Loughlin & Rhys Nicholson

Episode Date: January 22, 2019

This week, FIONA O'LOUGHLIN and RHYS NICHOLSON drop by! We hear more about Tommy's dad's recent efforts to write a porno, delve into Fiona's dating life, Tommy's bad back AND Karl's been hit up by an open micer! Don't forget, we have a heap of live shows coming up: BRISBANE! You guys are awesome so we're coming back. March 17, 4pm. CANBERRA! We're back for one night only. March 23, 5pm. MELBOURNE! We're doing another month of huge shows at the Comedy Festival. Saturday March 30, April 6, April 13 & April 20, 4:30pm. We're also doing an extra show: Late Night Dum Dum. Friday April 5, 11:55pm. For tickets, merchandise, links to our Patreon and heaps of other stuff, head to our website: littledumdumclub.com  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Rhys Nicholson and Fiona O'Loughlin. First of all though, we've got to tell you some dates that we have coming up quite soon. March the 17th, we are going to be in Brisbane doing a big live pod at the Woolly Mammoth Bar. Tickets for that are moving very quickly, so get on it Brisbane. You guys always pack out the shows. We've got some great guests locked in for that. It's going to be awesome. The next week we're in Canberra on the Saturday afternoon. Is that right? The 23rd of March.

That's going to be awesome as well. Heaps of people in town for the Canberra Comedy Festival. That's going to be a great show. Also, later that night I'm doing my solo show, Balding Cherub, so you can come and check that out. Then the next week we kick off a big month of shows in Melbourne, Saturday afternoons for four weeks in a row during the Comedy Festival. Always great, huge guests, heaps of awesome guests locked in. Those are going to be super, super fun.

And, of course – So that is March 30, April 6, April 13, April 20. Then we've got an extra late night one on April 5 on a Friday night, basically at midnight. You can get tickets to all of them on the website. You can get a season pass that covers all of the Saturday afternoon shows. The Friday

one is separate. That'll be a very, very loose one. Of course, there is Drunk Cast at the end of all of that as well. And then in June, Tommy. The Koh Samui International Podcast Festival is back. I hadn't thought about that. For's third and final year Heaps of fun

You've heard the episodes from there You've seen us bang on about it on social media If you haven't been before this is your chance Five days Five days isn't it Of hanging out at the pool Live podcasts on the beach every night There's a great deal at the Ozo Chooing Samui right now

If you go there with the password podcast19, if you go directly to the Ozo website and do that, you can get a very, very, very good deal there right now. You've got a couple of weeks to get the maximum deal, so get onto that. Feel free to email us with any questions as well, obviously. Yep, all of this stuff can be found at littledumbdumbclub.com, which also has a link to our Patreon.

If you enjoy the show, you can support it through that and get a bunch of special bonus content that we send out, including a little bit of a name read that we do at the end of this show. But for now, enjoy this new episode with Rhys Nicholson and Fiona O'Loughlin. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo, and with me is always the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. And joining us today, we have two very great, very special guests, Fiona O'Loughlin and

Reece Nicholson. What a team. Yes. Man, how diverse are we? A gay dude and a woman. All the minorities. A gay dude and an old woman.

Three boxes checked. I'm not that old. We're probably going to get some kind of award for this. This is great. We should get funding from the government for this. Oh, man, I hope so. We should get funding from the government for this. Yeah. You're getting it from your dumb cunt listeners. Yeah. So it's all right.

Yes. It's a pity I've lost weight. Or you could have had a hat trick there. Fat old lady. A fat old woman. We could have been true heroes. That would be, we finish the episode and there's a parade happening outside in our honour for what we've done. And then we slowly descend into the sky as true white knights.

Actually, a fat old lady who might be curious. Not sexually, just about. So you're not even confirming that you're curious. Like, curious is like on the fence, but you're like, oh, maybe, maybe. Oh, look, I was curious once, but it was lying. I was pissed and I just wanted to keep drinking vodka. So I was with a very well-known lesbian. Oh.

And I just thought. Dave Hughes. Dave O'Neill. G'day, poofs. Wow. So you just Oh look It's like any other situation Where you're snogging someone

But you know it's not What's kissing a woman like? Much the same as kissing anyone Is it? Yeah Do they kiss better or not? Yeah I think Yeah okay

So it is different But it was just like I had this Nothing from the waist down Was my Oh that is diverse Yeah I really wish I hadn't started this

Yeah So that put an end to the curiosity Yeah And then she went out That didn't feel That didn't feel confirmed I would live I would live with a woman I'm actually moving in with a woman Did you End of the Curiosity. Yeah. And then she went out. That didn't feel confirmed. I would live with a woman.

I'm actually moving in with a woman. So did you initiate the kissing? How would I know? I said I was drinking. I don't know what the fuck happened. Because I believe this woman may have been written a high-rating Netflix special about it. Fiona Rett very interesting well bully for her

and I wish her well you could release your new special Flannelette Granette Nan dash et yeah it still works

Granette Nanette 2 this time with more are you a cause you're a too This time with more Are you a Cause you're a You're a grandparent Are you a nan Are you

Like what's your term I'm noni My term is noni Noni Oh not nonna I know It's a bit close to that No

It was gonna be nonna But That's apparently Italian Or Greek Right Nonna It's too close to that Nothing wrong with

Pretending to be Italian Well I didn't care either But all my All children Call me nonna That's apparently Italian or Greek. Right. Nonna. It's too close to that. Nothing wrong with pretending to be Italian. Well, I didn't care either. But all my, all children call me Nonna because they can't say Fiona. Oh. So it's been an old nickname. Are you sure that's just not saying no? No. Put the bottle down.

No. Put my baby bottle down. And I don't want to be a nana or a grandma. So what would you like to be? Dead. I've got good news for you, Fiona. It's coming. Faster and faster every year.

I should never do podcasts on a Monday morning. Because I've probably not taken my antidepressants on time over the weekend and I'm a little bit flat. Were you laughing? This is a nice day outside. What a different weekend where some people take their pills on the weekend. I was actually talking to my little grandchild, not that she can understand me,

but I was saying when, because these terrible pill deaths at festivals. Right. And I said that. You thought you'd talk about a child that can't understand English. I said that will never happen. Well, they relate. That would never happen to you, Una. And Tess said, you don't know.

And I said, I do know. I will fly her in her own special pills. I will spare no expense. So you, 18 years, you could be headlining the comedy stage at some sort of music festival

on New Year's Eve, bring your grandchild along, get her backstage, get her right on it. Yeah. Okay, yeah. Oh God, no. You mean one of those

gigs for young people? Yes. No, that's not going to happen. No. No, I don't mind young people. They have to come to me. They have to come to me and they do, but I'm not going to them in the form of a festival.

Oh, right. That's fucking not happening. That's your rule. Yeah. Okay. I can't do festival. Even just live music. I went to see the presets recently and it was really fun,

except for there was just, I realised, oh, I'm not in the demographic of this. There was like all these teenagers in the middle, like doing drugs and then a row of 20 to 25 and 30-year-olds standing on the outside just holding their jackets. And before the encore, we were like, bye, this has been great, but I've got to go. I've just become that person now.

Like I'm not involved anymore. I'm just like a spectator. Well, speaking of festivals, so we have a little thing called the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival that we do every year. This is the third one this year that we're doing. Oh, it's good not to be invited. Yeah.

Well, Fiona did ask about it not long ago. I was like, well, I don't think we have enough money to insure Fiona a lot going to Thailand. It's like a one-woman fire festival. Bringing her grandkid flying in her own pills. I'd love to see the insurance policy on that one. So deviating from that,

why I'm bringing that up is we did our little pop-up shop the other week. We did a little Dum Dum Club pop-up shop. We sold merch. We had new merch that we did. We took over someone's shop for a night and someone that went to last year's festival came up and went, oh, yeah, thinking about coming to next year's festival.

Yeah, it should be interesting. It might be slightly different than last year. I divorced my husband last year three weeks after we went to your festival. Really? So it's going to be, I don't know if it's going to be that kind of festival again this year, but yeah, it's like if you want to. How old is this person? I did not ask the age. You never ask the age of festival again this year. But yeah, it's like if you want to. How old is this person? I did not ask the age.

You never ask the age of a lady. Okay. That's a great follow-up question to I just got divorced. Cool, cool, cool. How old are you? Well, she's feeling curious. There's someone back on the market. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maybe this time it finally takes. Get curious in Thailand. You don't know what it's like sitting over here, you know, watching. It's fun. It's not bad. But everyone gets divorced. Right. But that's the future.

Uh-oh. And it must happen. I can't wait to get divorced. Yes. We're going to stay together, but I just want to have a party. Well, I'm only one year in at the moment, so I don't know how long to go. What do you give it? I reckon it is important.

And I mean this with all sincerity. I think it is a ridiculous. I call weddings pantomimes. Right. I can't bear them. Well, thanks for coming to mine. I don't enjoy them either. I've been thinking about this a lot because we're engaged.

Yours was cool though. Thank you. Because you didn't pantomime it up. Fucking hell. Sorry, darling. It's the least of things I've been invited to. engaged yours was cool though thank you because you didn't pants are momming up great guys really good to be but are you like this when you get a invite you're like oh yeah because i think the first thing you think of um is like free booze like weddings that's all people think of i think you know what i mean like it's not as i was at one recently uh and it was fine but at one point i was like i was standing with one of my single friends and you realize how awful weddings are for single people 100 yeah the one of one of the parents the mother of the bride said in her speech as a parent you're never truly happy until your child has

found someone great and it was just this like oh my, my God. Yeah, and my friend Mel just went, well, I'm fucked. Like, it was just this really like... That is, yeah. Very strange. Yeah. The sibling at a wedding has got to be rough. Like, a friend of mine is getting married in about a month and her older sister is in a very long-term relationship.

Yeah. And I just thought, like, when her younger sister got engaged, I just thought, you look at the older sister is in a very long-term relationship yeah i just thought like when her younger sister got engaged i just thought you look at the older sister's boyfriend and go fuck the heat is on brother like you've got until the end of the year to do something about this i reckon before it's going to become a fucking pressure cooker situation um yeah so the pop-up shop uh the don't know pop-up shop uh just to to put a full stop on that one. So that lady's divorced. Maybe she's single looking to mingle back at Costa Maldon. I don't know.

So she is going to come? I think she was discussing it. Because we've talked on the show before. We were like, for ages we were fascinated. Has anyone hooked up because of this podcast? Are there any, you know, roots, relationships off the back of this? And we now know from sitting in this position that there are. There are a few people who've gotten together. Actually, if you know from sitting in this position that there are.

There are a few people who've gotten together. Actually, if you could get out of that position, thank you. That would make me a lot more comfortable. I'm trying to suck my own dick on the pod. I know from talking to a bunch of our guests there's been a lot of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But there are a few people that are dating as a result of having met through this podcast, which is awesome. Good God, what do they look like?

Now we need to do the tally of that versus people that have split up because of this podcast. I want to know, like, where does the balance land? Now, this woman who divorced her husband, did it have anything to do with Dum Dum? Well, she goes, I got divorced three weeks after the festival. And I was like, was it because of the festival? And she said, well, it wasn't.

It didn't help. You weren't guiltless. Wow. What a strange type of narcissism you guys are going to have. I think we might have broken up a marriage. All right. Yeah. Obsessed with ourselves, but just the bad things about ourselves.

Destroyer of worlds. Yeah, really fucked up someone's life. I'm great. I wonder, are there kids involved? Are the podcast listeners, because I don't get invited to your little soirees, so what would I know? Wedding? No, you do.

No, no, your listeners. When you go to these festivals. What do you mean soirees? You know, live shows. You've done plenty of our live shows. Have I? No, I mean. I even know this.

Fiona used to drink a little bit. It's never come up. She doesn't mind a tipple. And a topple. Where do they sit in, so let's go the worst of punters is, I would say, studio audiences, live studio audiences. They've always got that weird eye thing going on. You mean like TV shows, you mean?

Yeah. Yeah. No, we've got, our shows go off. It's a good thing. I know you can't say they're nuff-nuffs because they're the only people listening. No, but look. And that's your problem, not mine. I'm not.

I don't do PR for Dum Dum. I just spill my guts here. No. So this is our theory. This is what we were worried about The first time we went to Costa Mungo We went What if people just come over

And it's just Who the fuck knows Like It's the dregs of society Who knows But it's sort of It's a bit of a filter It means if you've got enough now

To get a passport To have money To get on a plane To have money To go over there And not to get scared By the idea of being With a lot of people For a week or whatever, you're generally pretty good.

Okay. Yeah. So we've had nothing but positive experiences. Apart from, so we had a great one last year and we went through it absolutely like spotless, except for the last night when we did a band. Tommy was playing the drums, other people were playing instruments and we were singing and stuff like that. And then a guy just decided to throw a beer

at the bass player so apart from that we were all good see because that's the

thing because he's part of your he's with you he's your crew

yeah so what happened after that well then we why are you telling this

story this is worse PR than Fiona and make no mistake this man who threw the beer real nothing yeah yes and he did cop it than Fiona Coyle. I know. And make no mistake, this man who threw the beer, real nuffy.

Yeah, yes, and he did cop it. Nuffed up a treat. He absolutely copped it. I think I said to him, do not ever listen to our podcast again. You are banned. And he said, thank you. And for context, all the rest of the listeners were very cool. We passed around a bucket and we put a bunch of money in

to give to the bass player. His instrument was fine in the end, but we thought maybe it was fucked well we'd borrowed the gear from a tie a local tie rolling stones cover band basically and and then someone had thrown a beer at his base and so we everyone chipped in to this guy it was all good do you have like a loyalty program for you is there it's called Centrelink. Is there a hierarchy amongst your dum-dum? Oh, like a stamp card? Is there things

some of them can get that others can't? Yeah, well, we do have a Patreon thing. This is... You're setting it up like this is an infomercial on Morning TV,

but we do Patreon where people put in money and we give out magazines and bonus content and all that sort of stuff. This feels like you're interviewing us on your podcast.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is just life for me now. I think she might think she is. This is just my life anywhere I go. I'm an older person pretending to be interested in you, cunt. Fiona O'Loughlin's podcast, WTF, where the fuck am I? Lock the ward. Lock the ward Lock the ward So we Look

Speaking about Are we cool? Who are you? Speaking about our listeners So we did the pop up shop We A couple of weeks ago We did

We said Come in You'll get a free beer A couple of free beers Whatever We had a bunch of expired beers That Tommy had in the shed From long ago Apparently we're still We've had no complaints or deaths off the back of that so i

presume that's all good um but we had a bouncer we had a bouncer that that gave us his time he went oh i'm a professional bouncer i'll come down and i'll be the best fucking awesome what's an unprofessional yeah exactly go down king street you'll see a few. That's how you get into clubs for free. That's an unprofessional bouncer. So he did all that stuff. People were coming in and coming into the shop, coming up with a little ticket. Here's a ticket for the beer.

Here's the beer. Awesome. So this old bloke walks in and goes, I'll have a beer, thanks. And I go, and I'm looking at him going, are you a podcast listener? Because we're basically on Smith Street. Everything about him screamed no.

Yes, people are just walking past something. Someone's going to come in here and just want free beer. This old bloke comes in, I'll have a beer. Are you a podcast listener? He goes, sure. And I go, that's sure. And that old man turned out to be Tommy Dazzler. So I go, that's not the right answer.

I like it. So then I go, hang on a minute. You just want a beer. Hang on. And I think, foolproof test. What's my name then? And he goes, Carl. And I go, yeah.

Hang on a fucking minute. I've got a name tag on me. Shit. And then he goes, hang on. No, I've got a name tag. That's too easy. Fuck, no i've got a name tag that's that's too easy fuck no you can't have a beer he goes no give me a beer oh yeah i'm a podcast listener and i said what's the name of our podcast he's like i don't know and i'm like well you're not having a beer then and he goes well in that case i'm probably not going to buy anything in your shop i'm like

of course you're fucking not you don't even know the name of this podcast. Why are you going to buy a t-shirt? He's like, alright, well I'm leaving then. I'm like, that's what I'm trying to make happen. You've become the Dylan Moran of podcasts. I forgot to mention this last week, but my dad we talked last week on the show about how my dad was down there.

And Carl shouted at him and told him to leave. My dad has written these little erotic short stories that we've read out on this podcast and i was driving just for this podcast or is your dad a weirdo he wrote one yeah start for himself he for what he would talk for ages about how he was writing a porno and i used to say to him where is it can i read it and he'd go it's not written down. It's all up here, which is horrific. And then we talked about it on this and then we were like, we've got to get this written out. We've got to read it out on the pot.

Tommy was tapping his head in the upper left. No, I was tapping my dick. It's all down here. It's better than all down here. So that means, right. The porno can't exist in your old room, if you know what I'm saying. So anyway, we've read like three of them out. I must clean out my porno can't exist in your old room, if you know what I'm saying. So anyway, we've read like three of them out. I must clean out my porno cupboard too.

Is that a euphemism? I don't know what it is. It sounded good. So I got onto my dad and yeah, he's written three that we've read out on the show. You're kidding. Yeah. And then I was pushing him to write, I wanted him to write a new one. You've got to come to one of our festivals, Fiona. I wanted him to write a new one. You've got to come to one of our festivals, Fiona.

I wanted him to write a new one to get printed up to sell at the pop-up shop. I thought it would be funny to have like a little exclusive new porno from Dad. And then the week before I was like – What a horrible sentence. It gets worse. I hit him up the week before and I was like, did you write it? Were you able to – are you going to do it? And he's like, I'm but i just i just don't

have the inspiration inspiration just hasn't hit me so yeah and then i talked to him later her foot i talked to him later and he tells me he goes yeah i really wanted to write one for you so one night i drove out to sexy land to just walk around and try and get inspiration so like a big old porno shop out in the... Near the airport. Near the airport. Actually, no, there's one near them. There's one out near...

Right. Anyway, near where they live. Yeah. So he goes, yeah, walking around there and yeah. God, it's weird. Just a lot of dirty old men walking around. Like, yeah, no shit. You with a notepad, not even buying anything,

writing down inspiration for one of your pornos. It's like someone on a cruise ship saying, there's lots of bogans around here. I'm glad I'm not one. I think if you'll find you are. What's this about? Every time I go to the airport, which is sometimes up to three times a week, at some point I look up and there is Sexy Man looking at me.

What do you mean? Every time. You're surprised there's Sexy Man. I said to my daughter, I look up at some point on the trip to the airport, always I look up at the Sexy Man moment. So you're confused that there's a building that's in the same place every time you drive past it?

Yes, because I don't look at all the other shops but it's just that shop I see. It sticks out. And then she was driving me to the airport the other day and I looked up and went, there it is, sexy London Urban again. You've got to go in. Maybe you'll see my dad loitering around in his camcorder out.

I love the way the ad for it says, and we cater for all sizes. That's disgusting. Fat people. Yeah, fat people. You can't do everything. Yeah, get them. I'm sorry.

You get to eat more cake than the rest of us. You don't get to fucking dress up. Pick a line. You can't eat your cake and fuck too. You can't. I'm so sick of fat people. Oh, my God. Hey, can we, when you edit this, can you beep fat? I'm so sick of fat people. Oh, my God. Hey.

Can we... When you edit this, can you beep fat? But just after the F. Yeah. No, this is... This is not the opinion of the Little Dumb Dumb Club. We've got a lot of 2, 3, 4 and 5 XL T-shirts to sell. Yeah.

So that is not the voice of us. I've tried to turn... They've tried to turn. For me to do stand-up on something, it has to offend me, okay? And then I go, great, that offends me. I can... But this is problematic. Right.

Have you heard your stand-up before? No, I won't listen to it. Here's my problem. Because I've been fat. Right. How fat? Uh, annoying. Fat.

You know, like 10... I was too. 10 kilos fatter than I am now. Just, you're uncomfortable. You were annoyed or other people were annoyed? I don't think I was... I wasn't fat enough to annoy other people. Can we also pause on the fact you said, here's my problem?

Here's my problem. Like, not plural? If I could sort this out, I'd be perfect. This is only an hour podcast. Here's my one issue. My one issue with your fatty, fatty boom chars. Okay. Oh, my gosh.

She is. No, because it's like. Back then, was your drinking problem milkshakes? I like cake. Right. I don't like cake less than a fat person likes cake. Right. Okay.

But the fat person gets to eat a lot of cake, clearly. They get to, yes. There's got to be a point where, because you get to eat a lot of cake, you don't get to huff and puff so much in front of me about how you're being treated because you're a fat person. Right. It's like, just imagine not not just wanting to stop doing something, but not being able to.

Alcoholic? Chocoholic. Yeah, go on, Mrs. Pot. Anything else you'd like to say about the kettles? Would you say their chocolate eating is destroying their and their family's lives? Well... So you're saying you've got a problem with people that sneak a few Mars bars into their pocket before they do their sold-out comedy festival shows. Is that what you're saying? Oh, I don't know what I'm saying you've got a problem with people that sneak a few Mars bars into their pocket before they do their sold-out comedy festival shows.

Is that what you're saying? Oh, I don't know what I'm saying. No, this is where it offends me, okay? When a woman says, because women, because we've got this moment in time where we are a fucking protected species, but women will turn anything into just them being great, and I'm so sick of it i could vomit right you know um that helps being fat actually i've tried they fall off you yeah it's very sustainable and it's my people

my generation that are largely annoying me on this score right on on so on the score of uh people rising above too far above their station. Is that what you're saying? No, it's not even that. It's just like, just call it what it is. Can we please and shut up? You're fat, lose some weight. I don't hate you.

But what they're saying instead is what? I saw a fat chick on the telly, right? She swiftly called the police. What has this podcast become? I feel like it's somehow an anti-women podcast thanks to a woman. That is the phrase. I've seen a fat chick on the telly. And I'm just being provocative by being like that.

So there's a very, there's a fat woman on it. Hey, we call them chicks on this podcast, all right? Please, please. There's a fat woman on it. Hey, we call them chicks on this podcast, all right? Please. Please. So she's saying, and she's really big. Yeah. Okay. We get it.

Is this the whole story? But they try and delve into the reasons why, okay? And she's like, it's just that for so long I put everyone before myself and I put myself last. Right. And that's why, it's just that for so long I put everyone before myself and I put myself last. Right. And that's why I'm like this. And I'm just like, not enough information. It's not that simple.

I don't think you did put yourself last. I think you – She put one person in front of her. His name was Jack Hungry. Very nice. Very nice. Very nice. Well, she gets to do them

I want to do one of them I loved it He said Jack And I was like Where's he going with this Where's he going with this Who's a fat guy called Jack I just bought myself a glass

I don't know I'm not buying it Look That's an interesting way Of saying it Like going Of putting everyone else Before me

It's like But where's the food bit Coming into it Like you can put other people Before you But why does that mean You get to They can put everyone before

them, especially at a jog. Right. The what? The jog? The jog, because everyone's running out. Never mind. Snip that right out. No, you live with your mistake. Like my mother said to her doctor when she was pregnant with me, snip that right out.

There he's back. He's back on familiar ground. I thought she said, You can live with your mistakes Yeah Well maybe it's because We're getting so big We don't know what big is anymore Right Yeah

That could be I was on a plane The other day And I hate comics Who say The other day Right

Because it sounds like you weren't But I was Let's get stuck into everyone You'd never have me on a podcast Before midday She was a fat cunt No I'm kidding Never take antidepressants again

This is good shit Please Get into pool free zone 48 hours before you do our pod next time Come to Koh Samui And by the way Fiona like hit you up to say, oh yeah, I really want to do the pot again.

I've got heaps of stuff to talk about. It's just like one fat woman she saw on the TV. Unlike a fat woman and a cake, we haven't even touched it yet. This is a veritable buffet of comedy right now. And all you can eat of mental illness. Yeah, I'm not even going to finish my fat lady on the plane. No, go on. No, I don't think it's worth it.

Come on, be a fat lady and finish it. Okay, so I'm in the window. There's another woman in the aisle. And we thought for that blessed moment that might be a... She's never going to walk down. But no, in it comes and sits itself down. And it's huge. Very nice. And she turned

around and she said to me, oh, thank God for this. Normally I'm between two fat blokes. I'm like, I want to go you're huge. And you're like her hips were coming out and underneath the armrest. Poking into my

lucky I don't have obsessive compulsive disorder. Or a taser. Or a taser. Fatty, fatty, fatty. I know, but we are in an epidemic of obesity. It's an epidemic. I didn't know you'd invited Channel 9 onto the podcast.

I think the final frontier – We're fatter than Americans. They've got to buy new fucking equipment now to cut. Like episiotomy. Do you know what an episiotomy is? No. Okay, it's when you cut the vagina bigger when the baby's head is crowning. Right.

Okay? These scissors have been had. All the forceps, everything. They've got to get bigger ones in. Oh, really? Bigger than we've ever had before. Right. And it's terrible.

Look at the father-to-be being very uncomfortable. Doctor going, your pussy is too fat for these scissors. That is unreal. This is what happened to me. I was too fat to give birth. I was too fat to give birth properly.

Sounds like an MTV show. I got married, i was 50 kilos this is back in 1979 80 i don't know um when kilos were different why did we need to use conversion there so i was 50 kilos and then i got pregnant like 10 minutes after the wedding let me tell you let me guess you got fatter after you got pregnant because that's not technically fat about the weight of a baby yeah no guess how much how much so a baby weighs what does the baby weigh three kilos i think three three is average i think two yeah two three because 25 i put on 25 wow but to be fair you did have five kids inside of you but no no

this is one oh so it was the first baby. And my husband, you know, he's married this, we were only young. He's married this really petite girl that I was, 50 kilos. And he just sat back and watched me morph into something hideous in nine short months. How cruel. It's not even a year later. And I was like.

Okay, so you're allowed to make all these fat woman jokes because you you've been a fat woman yeah i just wanted to say i overate right a lot of overeating so you want people to be more like you and fess up and go yep look this is not a don't say oh it's because i did i put everyone else first fuck off you eat too much right right i i've been thinking about this recently i i've lost a bit of weight over the last year. And genuinely, I think I was happier when I was fatter. Because in the back of your mind, you're like, I'm going to turn this around one day.

Everything's, you know, you've just got possibility in front of you. You know, you like convince yourself, I'll just make a change one day and then I'll lose this weight and then I'll feel good. But then you lose weight and then you've got to keep it off. You know what I mean? Like if you slip up, it's straight back to being a big fat. But you're looking good, Tommy. I know, but.

Izzy. We love you. Izzy. He is. He is looking good. Fuck off, you old crone. He is looking good. But this is my point.

The neck, he's lost a lot of weight. The neck is just a bit. The neck's fucked. The neck's a bit AIDS-y. The neck's a bit AIDS-y. The neck's a bit AIDS-y. The rosacea's really kicking in. I mean, everything else is a fucking disaster. A really thin neck.

I don't think it's. I think it's fine. I think he'll look good. I've got a little scar down my neck. Really? But this is my point. It's like once you keep, once you get a bit of weight off, then it's like you get compliments and everything and that feels nice.

And now it's like I have to maintain this. And like over Christmas and stuff where I had like a week where I didn't go to the gym, I freaked out because I was like, oh, I'm going to put it all back on. You know what I mean? Like before you lose any weight, you can just imagine yourself like, yeah, I'm going to get in shape and it feels good. I just want to go back to being fat. I was happier. I don't remember you being fat.

I was a little chunky. I wasn't like huge. don't remember you being fat. I was a little chunky. I wasn't like huge. Yeah, you weren't fat. I was a little chunky monkey. Yeah. What have you dropped? 15? 20?

I only started weighing myself midway through like going to the gym and losing weight and stuff. But I reckon 10 to 15. Yeah, I reckon. Maybe at my biggest. Yeah. But you know, when I was like looking horrible, like at my fattest, like really growing my hair out and just looking like complete shit

was when like I did the most fucking I've done in my life. Like at my absolute physical rock bottom. Yeah. 100%. Girls are so weird. Hang on, hang on. We don't know what they were. Do you know what?

Girls are so weird. Hang on, hang on. We don't know what they were. He just said he did the most fucking. We could be talking pot plants. We don't know. Oh, Harvey Weinstein over here. But yeah, I was thinking about it. Thank God for girls not being as picky as guys.

Absolutely. God bless women. Yeah. for girls not being as picky as guys. Absolutely. God bless women. Yeah. They're amazing. Oh, all right. Sorry. Sorry that you've missed it. Jesus Christ.

Yeah. Well, they were pretty picky with me. Well, to be fair, you've been pretty picky with them. That's true. That's true. I gave it a go. It wasn't for me. I really, really want a boyfriend.

You really want a boyfriend? So badly want a boyfriend. I've never wanted one. How young would you go? Yeah, what's your age? 32 or... Can you at the next live podcast, can you do like a It's a Date style show? Like a big board blocking everyone.

I would love to be responsible for someone rooting Fiona. Absolutely. I don't think it matters. Can you add it to the Patreon? Like a thing? If you give $500. Let's get a GoFundMe going.

$48,000. Just go fuck me. How's this? The guy who gets me, this is the deal. This is what I would offer. Go fuck me. Just before you say this, I would say, I don't think I'm speaking too inside comedy, inside whatever baseball.

Inside Fiona? No, not yet. But a lot of guests on this show, we've been responsible for them hooking up with listeners of the show, I would say. Is this some sort of ring that you're running? No, no, no. No, because, you know, like girls like a famous guy.

I've just told them how fat I've gotten in nine months. I'm going to get a feeder now. I don't think there's any risk of the nine month thing happening again, by the way. Is this a fair thing to say? Would you say this is a fair thing to say? By the cough noise I just

heard from your pelvis, I don't think. The buzzer that just flew by. And there he is. And there he is. That's the boy I love. The vultures walking around you. Vultures. Downstairs.

Oh, really? Is this unfair to say that girls are like attracted guys that are famous or well-off or... This is a broad generalisation. No, no, no, no. I know. It is. It is. But whereas guys are like...

You could be the most... Put it this way. No one is after... No guys are after Gina Reinhart. She's fucking rich, but no guys are like, yeah, I'll look beyond the looks. I just want that. Oh, I mean, there would be. That is interesting. Yeah, I'll look beyond the looks. I just want that. Oh, I mean, there would be. That is interesting.

Yeah. I would say, I think, I love this room of a gay man, two straight men, and an older woman. What do young women want? What do they want? Other than watching Joel Creasy, what do they want? And what I'm saying that is, because I'm drawing that back to,

I feel like the old cliche of guys do meet girls off the back of doing comedy, whereas girls not so much. Funny pricks get chicks. Yes, but girls not so much. Funny chicks get pricks. Yes. So what I'm saying is let's make this happen. Let's buck the trend

Fiona, good looking woman Talented Successful You've got incredible bone structure That's fake You've got fillers and stuff How long do they last? About 9 months

And you get jab jabs? I've got jawline filler What does that do? Like, how long do they last? About nine months. Nine to ten. And you get jab jabs? Yeah. Yeah. I got jawline filler. What does that do? It just stops you from... Yeah, because I always think if I got any... Maybe I should get that for my AIDS neck.

If I... Make your neck look like a jaw. That'd be cool. I've always thought, because I know when I get older, this is going to drop. My chin's going to drop. You don't have to worry about any of it. The things they're doing, Rhys. So, Fiona.

Now's the time to be. Oh, you just. Anyway. Can we get a picture and go for me just for my extensive surgery? I want to get it done to my face. Fiona wants a boyfriend. But this is what. I don't even just want a boyfriend.

It gets even better. Okay. It gets even better. Okay. I want someone who will go out to a play with me. Yeah. And who will laugh at the wrong thing. You want a homosexual man. Yeah, basically.

Yeah. And I want someone to laugh. And this person, so long as he comes with me to things, I need help enduring. Yes. Okay. I was so sure about as long as he comes on my face. So I don't need any of that filler anymore.

So I want someone who will come with me to anything that I need someone with to help me endure it. I want to laugh myself inside out with someone. It doesn't have to be at dinner. It can be breakfast time. This person can fuck whoever he wants but must laugh with me. Fiona, this is called it's a carer that's what it is it is isn't it it's a carer any nursing students that listen to this if you want someone to wheel me into the theater

we used to say that like me me and Joel would like you all you want is for us to just take you to plays and stuff. When you're very old and we just wheel you out around the park. We just say, yes, Nicole Kidman is still a talent. We get it, missus. Yeah, your criteria. What I want is a man who's got one of those little pill cases every day of the week and he can do that for me. Did you think that Morgan Freeman was Jessica Tandy's boyfriend in Driving the Stag? And what did you think that Morgan Freeman was Jessica Tandy's boyfriend in Driving the State? I did.

And what did you think that movie was about? Are you on the social? No, because I can't sift through. Most people are morons. I'm not going to sift through dating apps. See, what you should do is, this sounds like the type of man you are, you should get on Grindr. See, what you should do is, this sounds like the type of man you are, you should get on Grindr. If I was a man on Grindr and I was just like going through and then suddenly just like Fiona O'Loughlin popped up,

they'd be like, fuck yeah. Yeah, that's awesome. I took you to a gay bar once. Yeah, you did. It was so funny. Someone said, so how do you two know each other? And his face, so straight, he just said, we dated for a while. And it was like, I dare you to say we didn't.

I just remember it was a mate. We went to a place like doof, doof, like proper. This would be like seven years ago, I reckon. I reckon. Yeah. Like it looked like a drawing of a gay bar, like people on podiums and stuff like that. Like doof, doof, kind of went in. And then, yeah, me and Joel and Fiona walked in and the room, people were like, first of

all, they were like, is that Joel Creasy? And then like, and that's Fiona O'Loughlin. And then I was also there. They've got a little sponsor child. Until the 30s. Fiona's carers. That was a great time. I mean, I'm sure we can say this as well because it was years ago,

but I remember a phrase that you used was, Mummy buys the drugs. That's right. That's right. That was pre-show. Not pre-show. That was when we were getting ready. Yeah.

Mummy buys the drugs. Put your money away. Mummy buys. Now, what's this little sushi thing? What's in here? Yeah, and those sushi things are bullshit. Nothing hit the signs. Well, you ran away for four days.

Sure, you don't remember anything happening, but everyone else remembers things happening. Chewed off the inside of my mouth. The next four nights of your crowds At your comedy festival show Remember what happened But you won I'm a celebrity

Get me out of here Sure you've got a contact in there With Channel 10 Next season of The Bachelorette Oh Dan That would be so good You know they did Sophie Monk They're doing that other

Crazy woman I'd do that I'd do that I love reality I love it Yeah I know You spent a while Trying to escape it But I'd do that for you. I'd do that. I love reality. I love it. Yeah. I know.

You spent a while trying to escape it. Okay, that's what we use on the air. Thank you, Tommy. It's got a tagline and everything. Genuinely, you on The Bachelorette would be fucking great. Because you wouldn't hold back. Like any suitors that you weren't into, you'd just fucking let it have it. I would love because there'd be people your age, there'd be people maybe older, and then there'd be some young bucks that you were just fascinated by.

Some 20-year-old hunk that wants to go in there, and just the idea of some huge cunt coming in to fuck you silly is a great image to sell. You know, I did have a lovely thing happen to me me and it was when i was in that i love that some 20 year old hunk to fuck you silly oh that does remind me of a nice story after we've been talking about dating for 20 minutes i've just remembered i was getting absolutely railed the other night no when i was at school years like many many many ago. There was the jocks, okay. But I was friends with the jocks, but you know what it's like when it's, you know, at school. No, I do not. This is in South Australia.

Yeah. This is the type of girl. Are you the hottie of the class? No, no, this is what I was. You know how you've got all those groups and the nerds and the cliques. The cliques, yeah. But then you've always got just two weird girls and they only need each other. That's who I was.

I was one of those. You were both of them. You were fat. I was one of the two weird girls. But that's okay because it was fun. We only needed each other. But you would have had a small club. This would have been a small town.

No, this is, by now I'm in Adelaide. Yeah. And anyway. Like I said, small town. No, this is back, this is, by now I'm in Adelaide. Yeah. And anyway. Like I said, small town.

When I was, when I was down and out in Adelaide a few years ago. Right. Post-coma. Yes. Pre-jungle. And staying in some sort of. What a life. Be a BJ. Yeah.

Also, it's crazy. Post-coma, pre-jungle. It's crazy that you wrote your autobiography before all this stuff happened to you. I know. When's the updated edition coming out with like 49 new chapters in it? Yeah, it's crazy you were reading your own autobiography before all this stuff has happened to you. I know. When's the updated edition coming out with like 49 new chapters in it? Yeah, it's crazy you were reading your own autobiography going, oh, this is a bit boring while you're staying in a meth lab. Well, what I didn't tell anyone because it's too sweet and precious,

but I will tell you, what happened during that time, which was the lowest time of my life in the meth lab in Adelaide, but the jock of jocks came and found me. Wow. And we had an affair. What? Whoa. For three weeks.

And it was incredible. And he's still a jock. Like, I was like, what's the name in that movie, you know, with Ryan Reynolds where she goes. Green Lantern. No, not Ryan Reynolds. Where she goes. Driving Miss Daisy.

You're like a cartoon cutter. Ratatouille. He was so ripped. Sophie's Choice. Emma Stone and. Silkwood. When she was dating Steve Carell's son. What's a movie with a mentally impaired person?

The tap dancey one? Yeah, yeah. a mentally impaired person? The tap dancey one? Yeah, yeah. No, not the tap dancey one. Not La La Land. The one with Steve Carell. Moonlight. The one with Steve Carell where she starts going out with Steve Carell's friend. What's eating Gilbert Close?

Shitless list. Anyway, that's beside the buy. Oh, my God. Hair, muscles. Yep. Everything's still. So is he rooting you in the myth well when you put it like that it doesn't sound at all romantic and also meth lab is a euphemism like put it put in my meth lab

no no wonder he had the energy to go all night then if you wait, hang on. He'd just come and check on me. It was one night. I'm just like, why are you, what? You are here. He was also living there? No. He was just coming. He's a normal man.

Just on his way home from footy training or whatever. He just came and found me there. Jocking it up. Wow. There's a lot going on in that time. I hung on to the thought that he might come back tomorrow and he did. He came back every day.

Wow. What a cool guy. Once you got out of the worst position in your entire life, he did a runner? Oh, not really a runner. I was in rehab then for so long, and we're still friends. I ran into him last week in Adelaide. Oh, right. I thought this was like a whatever happened to this guy, but it's like you saw him last week. Did anything happen? Yeah, lots happened. No, no. Oh, last week. You saw him last week, yeahelaide. Oh, right. I thought this was like a whatever happened to this guy but it's like you saw him last week.

Did anything happen? Yeah, lots happened. No, no. Oh, last week. You saw him last week, yeah. No. So now that you're

clean he doesn't want anything. Oh, he had a girlfriend. What's she hooked on? Yeah. They're normal people.

Oh, God. But I also fell in love with someone in rehab and he started texting. Name with heroin. What? That was his texting. Name was heroin. What? So this is...

That was his problem. Yeah, anyway. Well, we... Yeah. Anyway, so I'm starting to be proactive. Yeah. But if little dum-dum

could... I don't know. Yeah. Use this as a dating show. Get a little bit of bum-bum. Yeah. Make you forget all about that guy you met in rehab called Greg Fleet. He wasn't in the same rehab as me.

Was he? Not at the same time. Sounds like a good rehab. He only stayed six weeks. That's the problem. Right. Okay. I realised, just to talk about divorce before,

I really am living the life of a divorced older man at the moment. You know, I'm living by myself, making my little model planes, going to the gym, taking supplements to try and grow my hair back. I've fucking bottomed out, dude. This is rock bottom for me. You're doing alright. I'm doing alright. You're Milhouse's dad.

Yeah, yeah. I genuinely am. Yeah. What's that? Milhouse's dad. Yeah, but every time I talk to you... It's a television thing. Yeah, it's like... What's it called? Blue Hills.

It's an animation, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Is it Blue Hills? It's when the drawings talk. Like Steamboat Willie. Yeah. No. Do you remember Walt?

You guys dated for a while Yeah It's getting very close to my nap time You're doing alright Tommy Every time I talk to you You're on a date Is something happening? No that's

I've told you that I went on One date Before Christmas And you've conflated that into Every time I talk to you Were you on a date the other night? Pardon you Were you on a date the other night? Pardon? Were you on a date the other night?

No, no, that was just a friend of mine No Fuck, she told me a great story though She was telling me about the first time she ever did coke It was a friend of mine She was at a party and her friend goes Cover your ears, Fiona Yeah, coke is a drug

Yes Oh dear Her friend goes to her Alright, so here's the bag Go into the cubicle It's your first time doing it So just flush the toilet while you're in there So no one hears what you're doing Oh, dear. Her friend goes to her. All right, so here's the bag. Go into the cubicle. It's your first time doing it. So just flush the toilet while you're in there.

So no one hears what you're doing. So my friend goes in, closes the door behind her, and she's flushing and she's like having a panic attack. She has to keep flushing and she's like feeling really anxious. And then she goes out and she gives the bag back to her friend and she's like, I'm really sorry. I couldn't quite get through all of it. And her friend goes, you tried to do the whole bag? Oh, my God. But she's like, I'm really sorry, I couldn't quite get through all of it. And her friend goes, you tried to do the whole bag? Oh, my God.

But she's like, I couldn't get through all of it. She had gotten through basic, like there was a fucking sliver left. And she's crying, going, I'm really sorry, I let you down. And her friend is just freaking out going, are we going to have to, first of all, are we going to have to take you to the hospital? And also, that's $300 gone, you stupid fucking idiot. That's bananas. Yeah, yeah.

That's like an eight ball. That's insane behavior. Absolutely great behavior. Wow. And then she went to rehab and met that guy. Nice. Yeah. So, hey, I wish that had been a date.

I only did coke in Sydney. You what? Only did coke in Sydney? I used to do coke in Sydney. Never in Melbourne. Nice. Yeah. So, hey, I wish that had been a date. I only did coke in Sydney. You what? Only did coke in Sydney? I used to do coke in Sydney. Uh-huh. Never in Melbourne. Right. Any particular reason?

Oh, yeah. Better quality? I had kids in the house. Oh. But I used to pretend I was allergic to the cat. Oh. So, the cat was the best cover. Old Scarface O'Loughlin.

The cat was the best cover. First you live in the meth house, then you live in the rehab. Old Scarface O'Loughlin. First you live in the meth house, then you live in the rehab. Then hopefully I get a man. So you're still going to meetings? You're still doing all? How's it going? You're really ruining the anonymous. It's getting... Who's there?

Tell me who's there. Yeah, it, yeah. It's getting... Who's there? Tell me who's there. Yeah, it's just getting... The further and further away I get from the horror of it all, the easier... It's weird. I've still got to go to meetings, though. Right. You've just got to remind yourself.

Yeah. So it's... And it's... I like to bring this up, I think, when we talk about this bit. It's like... It's fucking... Obviously, fucking hard work. Because... It's not that hard because i wouldn't do it you know i'm a lazy cunt but people you know people have you know it's a long road for you because you've been

trying to do it for a long time you have little slip ups you have bits and pieces so what i guess what i'm trying to say is sometimes uh uh it's unrealistic to think well you're just going to quit something and then do nothing forever from then on like you've had tiny little slip ups and bits and pieces along the way yep

yeah so it's because people always ask us about you and go how's Fiona going and we always say well we don't see her every day but we're hoping she's all good

and everything seems to be going great yep yep no there's been no I haven't been anywhere near disaster since last August since last August. Since last August.

No, actually it's the August before now. August before. Well, that's not good news. You're getting time confused that badly. What happened in that year? That's amazing though. The debate with Mooney. What?

Our show? No, what's the debate? No, the debate with Mooney was when I went the gig that you did in Geelong yeah August that's the last

your mate Mooney yeah when you had a yeah that's right when you that's not a yeah that was my last disaster

right that's when you 2017 that's when you were ordering champagne in the middle of the night to your hotel room pretending I was married

to celebrate your engagement to a woman you gotta think on your feet when you were ordering champagne in the middle of the night to your hotel room to celebrate your engagement to a woman. You've got to think on your feet when you're an alky. You've got to think on your feet to get off them. That's amazing, though. But that's almost, you know, like 18 months. That's amazing. Congratulations. Thank you.

Do you get, like 18 months. That's amazing. Congratulations. Thank you. Do you get like chips? Yeah. Which I always thought was insensitive to Gambling Anonymous. And to the fat ladies that Fiona was talking about. Oh, chips. I'd love a chip. I don't know. I just don't like the dates.

To me, time up means. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah've never been i mean counting you don't like counting it i don't like counting it yeah it's almost like um uh like if you it's if you i don't know this is a weird example but like if you're on a treadmill and you're seeing like the thing count up it's easier if you like put the towel over it so then after all you're like oh i've been doing this for 40 minutes right do you know what I mean? Instead of just like, how long has it been? Oh, fuck, it's been two days. I can't run on a treadmill for that reason. And there are moments on,

like there's shows I can do. We have good gigs, bad gigs, whatever. But I have had some gigs where I go, that could never have happened. Yeah. If I was still back then. Never ever could that have happened. You. If I was still back then. Yeah, right. Never ever could that have happened.

You weren't a functioning alcoholic, whereas I know some functioning addicts that can still get on stage and somehow get away with it or whatever, but you... Well, I just ran out of ability. Yes. Like, I was functioning for a long time. Yeah. As I was putting in some sloppy work.

Yeah. I remember once I wrote... It was the dumbest show I ever wrote. Like most, I don't do a lot of preparation anyway because it all happens in my head. It's your life that you're reporting on. But I remember one particular year, it's basically how much I drank the night before the show, you know.

And this one was pretty ordinary and I've just chucked it together, literally chucked it together. And I got home one night and I was pissed and Biddy was in bed next to me, my daughter, and she goes, oh, by the way, you got nominated for a Barry Award. I apparently flopped on the bed and went, fucking idiots. So the Barry Award's like the best comedy in the film. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Great. Wow. Right. So there are only young comics out there. Yeah. One piece of advice. Yeah. You should just write a guidebook on how to be fucking professionally pissed and get away with it.

Which show was it? I don't know. I know it was that. Wow. It must be nice. What was it about? Do you know what it was about? It was nominated for the best comedy.

We can probably look it up. Or should we not look it up? It was the second one I'd been nominated for. And I know that it was in the... Town Hall? No, no, the theatre. Oh. Bethany?

Melbourne. Opposite the... The Arts Centre. The Arts Centre! Your house, a dream you had once Are we looking up what it was called? Yeah Fiona O'Loughlin is

The Thirsty Cam So the show I'm working on The show I'm working on now Just couldn't be done Yeah Because it's And it's great Because I love

I've got so much more time on my hands But it's This show I'm so excited about because – And this is your upcoming show that you're doing every week called – It's called Fiona Lock and Addresses the Nation, which I had no idea what I was going to do, but I thought that's broad enough to crowbar something into as soon as it comes to me because this is what happens.

I just wait and then eventually it forms. Yes. And it's come so much earlier. You wake up in a meth lab and go, she's done it again. Where's my pen? Yeah, rooting the quarterback going, is there something in this?

That's you talking about downstairs. So basically this show, my new show, if I only had one show I could do, one last show to do, what would I want to say? Yep. This is it. Right.

This is your last plea for help. No, no. It's just, instead of about my problems or my, you know, bored the crap out of people with my problems. But now what this show is, is it's kind of just, I'm going to tell the audience what it was like to live a baby boomer's life in this country at my age. Like, this is what happened. Yeah. Right. And it's really horrifying, some of the things that we'll be discussing.

Me. Yeah. So you've still got some classic painted fuck up stories of Fiona O'Loughlin in there. Yeah, yeah. It'll be great if you get to festival season and decide that what you were setting out to do is too hard and then people that have listened to this go and see it and you're like, geez, the airline food's pretty weird, isn't it?

Oh, I used to be fat. People are fat. She's written this the night before. Congratulations on your Barry Award, Fiona. Do you remember who won that year? No. This is the worst episode of a crime podcast ever. Who won?

Well, I'll talk about this quickly. I went to the physio recently because my back was getting really bad. I had back problems. I was not sleeping very well. Too many dates. Too many. Yeah. Too many work. Too many. Yeah. Too many work in that back. Ah, interesting.

Interesting take. I mean, sure. I go to the physio and he, part of it was he goes, how do you sleep? And I go, oh, sort of like three quarters on my front, kind of like mostly on my side, but sort of, you know, on my front. And he goes, well, that's, you've got to change that. Hang on. Yeah, I know.

I think I know the pose. So, you know, kind of like. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Spider-Man style. That's how I sleep. A lot of room in that bed. Anyway. Fairies.

I feel like this is just YouTube advertising for roots. Well, so he goes, you can't sleep like that. All right, I'll root you. He goes, you can't sleep all right i'll root you because you can't sleep like that because it's you think about you're putting your neck on a very awkward angle for eight hours at a time so of course that would have a lot to do with like these back problems that you've been having so what you should do is either sleep fully on your back or fully on your side never gonna probably prefer on your side and if you want to maintain just being properly on your side all night what you can do to help you stay upright is get a pillow

and hug that in your sleep. And he goes, now I'm saying that to you because I'm assuming you don't have a partner. Literally said that to me. Oh, my God. And I just go, fucking hell. Did you say that? Yeah.

And he goes, am I wrong? And I go, no, but come on, dude. Do me a fucking favour here. You're paying him for this. Say partner and let me work back from that, you know. Yeah, yeah. That's bananas. But then the other thing that he said I have to work on,

he said part of the reason why you're having these back problems is because you've got parts of your back that are underdeveloped that are meant to be doing the work when you're standing and whatever because they're underdeveloped that's putting strain on bits of your back that aren't meant that you know that aren't meant to be doing the work and i said all right so like what specifically do i need to work on and he goes quite frankly your bottom is too little you need to build up your glute muscles. You need to get a bigger bottom to do more of the work. Never do that. Do not listen to him.

Really? And in some communities, a small bottom is quite good. So I need to work on this because my back has been pretty bad for a long time. And so I bring it up to have some kind of, you know, Dil started talking about wanting to lose weight on the pod. You know, he had some kind of accountability on it. I need to get my, I need to get a fat old ass by comedy festival, guys.

I want to have some kind of accountability. You want to put some, you want to. I need to get some booty going on. How do you put it though? I got like, he's giving me like, I do some squats. Tommy needs some junk in the trunk. Squats, yeah. Talk to her doctor.

Who's my doctor? Get some jab jabs. Oh, yes. I did love the idea of that. Get a fat enough ass so that she can fat shame you by April. Why don't we cut the bits that they cut off her, we put into you. Yeah, I could say. And then you grab some oil?

Yeah. Or even better, we build a man out of them. I did love the idea of that. So that Fiona can fuck herself. Yeah, well, people have been telling her to do it for years. I did love the idea, though, that he's like, you need to get a bigger ass. And I'm like, yeah, okay, I'll work on it.

And then I completely misread that and just get implants and go in. It's like no strength, no stability. It's like, no, you've made it worse, but I've got this giant Kim Kardashian ass. Can your post the next year be Kim Kardashian with the champagne? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I don't know. I need to get some measurements done or something.

I want accountability. I want to be up there on stage during the comedy festival, Dax down with the measuring tape out. I need to find out what kind of measurements I need to be getting. Well, I've always thought the podcast kind of measurements I need to be getting. Well, I've always thought the podcast was about dick swinging, so it's good to... Beauty poppin'. Could I say that this is your aim?

By the time we go to Costa Mui in June, it's going to be suns out, buns out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Suns out, buns out. Yeah, I'm going to be launching my podcast, the Fat Bot. Yeah. The Fat Bot podcast. Fat Bot.

Just you showing some low-cut shorts, showing off your ass cleavage. Yeah, yeah. Great. G-string, yeah. My friend was saying, you know how girls will use the peach emoji for their butt as a symbol for the butt? Right. My friend was like, this is yours, and it was like the two pancakes.

A flat little bottom. Did he line me up? He body shamed me. He body shamed me. He body shamed me. When he said, your bottom's too little, I start laughing. He goes, look. And he gets me to turn around side in the mirror. And he's like, see, look at that.

It just goes straight down. It's just flat as a tack. Tommy, I think God body shamed you. But a lot of guys don't have arses. That's it. And that's how we like it. Is it? Really?

I had a girlfriend that used to say that to me. Oh, you've got no arse. I'm like, all right. What about this? What about that, Fiona? What do you think? Perfect. You do not want arse.

I feel like you both, I don't want to be the obvious. I mean, first of all, I don't want to be the obvious, but I don't mind a bit of an arse. But also, both of you are complaining about not having anyone. I mean, do you want me to just move from in between you? No, we'd actually prefer you stay there. I am not a condom. I will not be used as a condom again.

All right. So I feel like we don't have much time. We're about to run out of time, yeah. Yeah. So I'll finish on this. I think this will be good for you, Fiona, because it combines off the back of what we've talked about today we've had your fat shaming

at the start. Now we're also combined putting in something that we love to do on this and also as comics we love to do which is punch down on

shit open mic comics. Yes. So because I run a bunch of gigs a bunch of regular rooms got the basement comedy on Saturday got the Thursday comedy on let let me check my notes,

Thursday, Spleen on Monday. So Mondays I get a lot of open mic requests, right? Here is a request I got this morning from a new comic. Hi, my name is Redacted. And I, hi my name is something. And I want to book a comedy spot. So not only do they have a name, they also want to book a comedy spot. Next time available.

I've been doing comedy for a year and I am very good. Thanks. I then go to their Facebook page and the last post that they've put up is this. Your mum is so fat, your dad tried to apply some sunscreen on

her belly and his hands got stuck between the belly forever. Wow. Your mum is so fat your dad tried to apply some sunscreen on her belly and his hands got stuck between the belly forever. My five-year-old niece has better jokes. I like that this is a joke that looks forward in time. He's stuck there forever.

All of eternity he will be there. There is no way of him ever getting out. I have been doing comedy for a year and I am very good. Where has he been doing comedy? I don't know. You've got to get this guy in. Channel 10. I want to see this live. I don't. Not on've got to get this guy in. Channel 10. I want to see this live.

I don't. Not on my stage. Forever. Forever. How many of these do you get a week? A bunch. A bunch. Wow.

I get some real crazies. It's quite good. It's good, though, because you showed me the thing that you're not mentioning about his post, that joke. He's done the Facebook status thing where you can have a little border around it and it's got the emojis just absolutely cacking themselves over this great one. That's the detail I like. A bit of a laugh track on the post is good shit.

Yeah, not a lot of likes on his post either for that gag. Any? I think there's two. I love the comic trial and gear on their Facebook status. You know, rolling out a little joke on Twitter, you know, that's one thing. But just treating Facebook, your network of personal friends as an open mind. He needs to turn up at a clinic and say, I'm here for a late termination. But don't you remember the first year of comedy where you're like,

I'm really good at this. And then after that, you're like, oh, no, now I know enough about comedy to know that I'm never happy with anything. Yeah, I feel like the better I get, the worse I feel I'm getting. Totally. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. But first year, you walk in and go, everyone's shit apart from me.

It's a continual puzzle. Yeah. But it's great. Yeah. I'm a bit of the puzzle where it's just all sky. I'm like, oh, no. But if you listen to podcasts where they're like famous American comedians on and stuff, they all talk about starting out in the mentality of like, you just got to go get it.

You know? So it totally makes sense to be a young guy and have that mentality of like, yes, put me on your TV show. Yeah. Yeah. I got my business cards printed six months in. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I got my business cards printed six months in. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I know a comic who went out and bought, when I say I know a comic, that's not true. He's. Well, that hurts my feelings. No, no. I mean, this guy. Right. You don't know this guy.

Well, no, I know him, but he's not, never became a comic. Okay. So he wanted to do stand up. Okay, great. But before he did anything, like check out an open mic room, he went and bought a microphone and speakers. Amazing. Great. Fucking yes.

Great. And then he didn't even end up doing it. Well, you've got to get them first, don't you? Oh, I didn't have the heart to tell him. They provide them. Imagine if you had to keep, like that wasn't a thing, where you had to come into the shows every night with your own. It's like having your own boxing glove for the boxers.

And you wheel on your own stuff. How's Reece going? Well, yeah, he's got to buy a new PA. Josh Earl often talks about how one of the saddest things you can see is the musicians selling their pedals and shit on Facebook. And it's like, that's the guy who like bought all that for stand up and then never did one gig. He's like, for sale, PA and microphone, never used.

Yeah, new DJ deck. I figured out it wasn't 2003 anymore. There was this guy, there was this open mic guy that like did, I swear I swear, I think he did two gigs, and he was from interstate, and then he flew to Melbourne for the festival, did a full show after two open mic spots, and this was the thing that blew my mind. I'm pretty sure I've never talked about this, but he, as he's promotion, he set up a bat,

like a small, like a four-foot banner in Footscray, not where the show was and then and it wasn't didn't have his face on it or anything didn't mention comedy on it oh yeah i know who this is and then left a tape recorder behind it that had sort of like ambient like music that you would hear in a Thai massage parlor and just left but wasn't near there wasn't flyering just left, but wasn't near there, wasn't flyering, just left it on a street somewhere. What? That's great. It's awesome.

It's amazing. It's genuinely fucking great. That's performance, like that's art. Yeah. And also, I won't mention his name. That's not comedy, that's art. Yeah, 100%. I won't mention his name, but he was,

I don't know where he was from originally, but he had some sort of... Marina Abramowitz? No. He had some sort of... Marina Abramowitz? No. He had some sort of ethnic background, but then he changed his name to that of a robot. Yeah. None of this made sense at all.

There's clips of him online. He was in the final of the big comedy competition, wasn't he? Yeah, he's got quite an amazing set online somewhere that we might share somewhere privately. Yeah, maybe we'll put it in the Patreon group. like that yeah it's it the whole thing fascinates me knowing it's so good comedy it was like he he's it isn't this but his name was something like gigantor but then his set had nothing to do with being a fucking robot yeah yeah yeah being big or being anything and where is he now as a robot is he now? I saw him the other day walking down the street,

which is why I remember this story, and he was not in comedy. He's doing something absolutely different. Right. So. Well, I think we've got to wrap it up for another week, guys. That was fun, you boys. Yay. Thank you.

Hey, Rhys and Fiona. Let's get a fucking. Thanks so much for doing this. You got shows coming up. Rhys, you got a tour that's happening? Yeah, I'm doing all the festivals. Oh, I'm doing... Can I plug this thing?

I'm doing a thing called Comedy-ish. My fiancée Karen and I run a thing called Comedy-ish and we're doing it in Melbourne for the first time and it's like all new material shows. Oh, wow. Yeah, come and do one. I'd love to do one. Yeah, please.

It doesn't clash with any of Cal's hits, so I think you're allowed to plug it. When does that start? I don't think it does. It's Wednesdays, isn't it? It's Wednesdays, yeah, yeah. It's starting now? Yeah, like 30th of January.

Come and do it. I'm so there. We're doing like every until the 27th of Feb, and we've got like Claire Hooper and Nick Cody and Anne Edmonds. This is the best. And we do like secret lineups, and then people do a trial show. So come and have a look. Cool.

If that's all right. You boys come and do it too. Cool. What's your festival show called? What are you plugging the tryouts for the show that you do? People just come to my shows. No, I'm doing Melbourne, Brisbane, Adelaide, Sydney, Perth. I'm doing the Enmore in Sydney.

Come to the Sydney show, please, because it's an enormous fucking room and I'm absolutely terrified. Big boy. Big boy room. There will be no one there. And it's called Nice People, Nice Things, Nice Situations. Why are we doing all the work for your plot?

Well, because my... Just Google my name, fuckhead. I've got a website. That's where all the information is. We're just like, oh, oh, do we go to the show that's on last year? Is it that one? Who cares about the name?

Who cares about the name? If we're talking about the listeners of this, you'd be surprised. People driving around now frantically trying to find a pen and paper to write these details down. Man, people ring me up and go, what's your phone number? And Fiona, you're also doing a tour? Yeah, pretty much everything Rhys is doing, except

I'm not doing Adelaide So, Enmore Theatre for me is my big one too, and Theboden Theatre in Adelaide Are you doing Melbourne? Do you remember what night you're doing in Enmore? Imagine if we were on the same night 11th of May

Either end of the same room It's like a silent disco style. It's like a drive-in. You can just see one screen or look at... This one's boring. I'll have a look at that one for a while. If you don't want to listen to me, Fiona Zorris can just turn down the hearing aid.

Have I told this story about when I was a little kid and I went to the drive-in with my dad because there's all the screens around near each other. We started watching. It was like some kid's movie about a talking dog. And it's like five minutes in and it's awful. And my dad just goes, nah, turns the engine on and just drives us around to another screen.

Just executive decision. Just picked one at random. But then the one that we ended up at ended up being That Thing You Do. Oh! A call by dad. I love that movie. Yeah. Is that the one, like the pretend Beatles one?

Yes. Yeah, yeah. The Wonders. With Colin Hanks. Yes. Colin Hanks. And I think Tom Hanks wrote that and directed it. He did.

No, Tom Hanks is in it. Yeah, but you can do both those things. Yeah, but you said Colin. Colin Hanks is also in it. Oh, is he really? Yeah. Oh, right. Okay.

Yeah. How'd you get that? Riveting stuff. Imagine directing a sex scene of your son. Imagine being directed rooting by your dad. That's the... I don't need to. All right, guys.

So we, of course, on top of those plugs, we're doing a bunch of live podcasts. We're doing Canberra. We're doing Brisbane. We're doing heaps of them in Melbourne in April. And Tommy, you're doing a solo show. I'm doing some form of a solo show. Yep, all of that stuff. LittleDumbDumbClub.com

Guys, thanks so much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mate. And they've done it again. I feel like we just had a bit of a relapse of our own. We did comedy again. Yeah, you're right. We've done it before.

Yeah. And we've done it again. I was trying to go cold turkey. I came in here ready to not do it again. But, you know, then old habits die hard. What can I say? I had a chip that was like I had a weak chip for seven days. Yep.

And I'm going to have to give that back now. You've got to stand up and you've got to atone for your sins at the next meeting and say, my name is Carl and I slipped up this week. I did it again. I got weak. I did it again. But I think it's like you and I just have to admit,

I mean the first step is we have to admit that we are powerless against comedy. Yeah. You know? No, for sure. And I've got to stop sneaking out of the house, saying I'm just going to the shops and instead going and doing it again. Yeah.

I've got some riddles hidden under the kitchen sink. Right. That I get stuck into early in the morning. I've got a hip flask of comedy. Of puns? Of comedy. Good fun. Fun to reflect on something that we did half an hour ago.

Love comedy. Yeah, great to have Fiona back. Fiona was in fine form and we haven't had Reese for a while, so that was all good. Good puns. What a lovely pairing. Yeah. Just 2018 was one thing.

It was great, but we're well on the way to, dare I say it, if we haven't mentioned it before, but doing it again. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's the goal. I'm happy to relapse if it's going to be like this. Yeah. Good shit, good shit. Good shit.

All our shows are on sale as we set up the top of the show. We've got Brisbane, we've got Canberra, we've got Melbourne, we've got heaps of Melbourne, and we've got Koh Samui, so get onto that. If you've got any queries, love to see a lot of first timers to any of those sort of things. Especially to, look, a special shout out for the Melbourne shows. We are doing them every Saturday afternoon. You can get a season pass, which makes it all cheaper. If you want to go to all four of those afternoon shows,

then it guarantees you access into the drunk cast on the final Sunday. Yep. Isn't it? At the end of all that. So that's the cheapest way of doing it. If you want to get individual tickets, go and do that as well. That's easy. My solo show, Boarding Cherub, now on sale, 8.20pm at night.

Looking forward to doing that one. Thanks to the people who've bought tickets to that so far. Oh, yeah, I'll get mine on sale. I'm doing a very loose fuckhead show after each live podcast. Saturday afternoons, 4.30 is the podcast. Then my show will be 5.45. So if you want to come along to those Melbourne shows and then sneak on down to the basement straight after, you will see a very loose hour of comedy from me.

For a change. Yes. So this strict regimented, by the book, fucking the algebra of stand-up comedy. Yeah. You're going to see me finally take the shackles off and, you know, may even talk to the audience at some point. There might be some swearing, potentially, which you've never allowed yourself to do

in the past. Fucking hell. All right. Nostradamus. That'll be good. Yeah. Samui. What have you got?

Samui. Okay. I just, I feel like I need to keep pressing this Because we're in the In the I feel like we're in the space Where people are needing to You're making those calls

And getting time off work And all that sort of stuff Making their mind up Yeah It is hard Because I feel like We do need to push it And we should push it

But I mean I really There must be some people That listen to this That are like God Stop going If you're just like Not going If you can't go Yeah I should push it, but I mean, I really will. There must be some people that listen to this that are like, God, stop going. If you're just like not going, if you can't go, this must be infuriating to just hear week after week.

But the bills need to be paid. The rooms need to be filled. Get onto it, guys. We've still got a great deal going at the Ozo Chuang Samui. The deadline has been extended for another month to get the absolute cheapest rate that you can get using the code PODCAST19. Yep, and don't forget to go and get your ticket

for the festival as well. We'll be starting up a little Facebook group for all ticket holders so we can start organising sort of stuff. That'll be all happening soon. All right, that's enough for Koh Samui Talk this week. Des, did you give out... It's littledunupclub.com slash Koh Samui. It has all the info, all the dates, all happening soon. All right, that's enough for Koh Samui Talk this week. Des, did you give out – it's littledumbdumbclub.com slash Koh Samui. It has all the info, all the dates, all the links, everything you need.

Everything's at littledumbdumbclub.com. Go back through the socials of ours for the last couple of years. You'll be able to see the photos and little bits of videos and stuff like that of the great times that we've had over there. That's the best way to get yourself fully hyped up for what we're doing. Go back and listen to some of the episodes that we recorded over there, and you'll hear a bunch of people in the opening having a great time. We mentioned in the episode the pop-up shop that we did recently,

and some of the merchandise that we got made up for that is now available on our web store. We've got the brand new Everything is Rick t-shirts that look fantastic. If you've been following the socials, we put them out and they sold out basically straight away and they got away from us. So we've had to, it was meant as a little limited edition thing. We've just had to reprint it once because too many people bought shirts and we didn't keep track of them well enough. But enough people want it, which is great. It's great to have demand. So grab them, go and have a look on the website at the moment, which is great. It's great to have demand. So grab them.

Go and have a look on the website at the moment. See what sizes are available and get on to that. And we've also got the hard copy best bits of the Patreon magazine, which we've done for about three years now. It's 76 pages. It's full colour. It looks awesome. Lots of cartoons and stuff in there, articles.

We did a little Mad Magazine parody. Yeah, it looks great. If you came onto the Patreon pretty late and you missed a bunch of issues or if, God forbid, you don't subscribe to Patreon, you'll get to see all this content for the first time. And, yeah, it's a good little read. It is. It's come out very well.

A lot of great cartoons from Tommy Daslow inside it. So, yeah, cool. That's all the merch. Like we say, go to littledumbdumbclub.com to find all of that stuff. It's the epicenter of everything that we can charge money for. Yep. Speaking of which, the Patreon. Thank you to everyone who supports the show via that.

You can get some bonus content every month, including the aforementioned magazine. We do a bonus episode every month. And we also, we like to say thanks. We say thanks in the form of content, but we also like to say thanks in the form of just words on the back end of the show. Metaphorically and literally, we say thanks. So what we do, if you're a first-time listener and you've got this far and you're thinking, this is the best thing, this is the best thing i've ever heard before good luck you're thinking what could what could up this like

generally you know any sort of art form any sort of movie or um entertainment you want it to end well you want it to up the ante's been upped at this point yeah how are we going to finish if only they sort of did some version of reading out of the phone book yeah this thing my dick would really come right now yeah well you're in luck get ready get the get the tissues ready you're in luck hard dicker your problems are about to be solved uh what we do here is we have like a very sophisticated computer program called the uh and planned title alternator which randomly chooses people that have subscribed to patreon to support us uh and we give them their little moment in the sunshine. We read out their name.

We make them podcast famous, and we try and be as respectful as we can to their name, not knowing who they are, obviously, as a person. We just hear their name and imagine what sort of fine, upstanding citizen they could be. We say nice, complimentary things, and then they listen, and they hear it, and they go, go yippee out loud to themselves. Everyone's always happy. Whatever we do on this podcast, everyone's always happy.

We can't put a foot wrong. Yeah. So that'll be happening again right now. Yep. So as if you're a first time listener again, just random numbers of names we read out. We read out. Sometimes we read out until the tape runs out. Sometimes we read out until the tape runs out. Sometimes we read out until the cows come home.

Yep. Sometimes we read out until Tommy's got to leave, Tommy's got to do a poo. Has that happened before? Have I ever called this early because of having to take a shit? Look, they're all potential things. In alternate worlds, they could have happened many times. Ah, I see what you're saying. Yeah, yeah, right, right, right.

So let's just do that. Okay. Firing it up, big red button. Number one, the first name we're reading out this week, the first person I'm thanking and then you'll probably – I'm thanking as well. That I'm thanking. You say the thank you and then I go, I concur.

Yes. Actually, I don't think I've ever actually done that. Right. I don't think I've ever attached my thanks to you saying thanks. Very rude of me. We're going to have to go through everyone again. How absolutely boorish. We'll have to go through every name we've ever read out on this.

So I think that'll be like, what, six names that we do or something? I'm going back to the top now. Going back to the top. People that we've read out. No, that would be... Fuck, what if we did that? That would be foolish. That would be not great.

Sounds right up our alley. What's this? A bad idea. What if we did one of those all night shows where we just went through all the people again? Yeah. Fuck. That'd be pretty cool.

Maybe that's what the late night show could be. Yeah, from dusk till dawn. Yeah, yeah. It's like, what are those shows called? Like, Every Shakespeare Play in the World, fucking Redone or whatever it is. I remember being- Every patron name that we've read, read out again. Yeah.

I remember being a little kid and having Foxtel and Nickelodeon would sort of like turn off at a certain time and it would become Nick at Night. So just like old sitcoms and stuff. But then every now and then they would do a thing on Saturday night where they would go Nickelodeon is on until midnight. And it was like a special event. Like you could post away to get a little card to like track if you had like how late you had made it.

And I remember just being like thrilled when they did it and the idea of like, oh, staying up until midnight and like I never made it. I could never last that long. This is really weird but I remember being allowed to stay up till midnight on News Eve as a little kid. And for whatever reason, every time in those three years or four years or whatever that was a big deal to me, they would always put on one of those old carry-on movies.

Right, right. Like around midnight. So that would be me staying up. My big news eve as a fucking seven-year-old, eight-year-old, was staying up to watch Carry On Up the Kiber. Yeah. And seeing Sid James fucking dance around Barbara Windsor as her bra nearly falls off. Yeah, I've never seen any of those movies, but they're like bawdy.

They're old bawdy, like Benny Hill style comedies. No actual penetration. Right. You don't see it go in. No. No nipples, no nothing. Right. Just a lot of...

Just the constant lingering threat of a top maybe falling off. Yes. That needs to come back. Yes. Everything's too direct and explicit now, you know? Fuck, what if we were the guys? What if we reboot Carry On? That's pretty good.

I can't think of anyone better, to be quite honest. Oh, my God. Yeah. And we're in it. Because those Carry On movies... It's us nearly seeing breasts for an hour and a half. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because those Carry On movies were always like the same actors,

just put in different locations. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're African explorers, then they're all doctors in a hospital, then they're fucking mountaineers, Carry On up the Everest, or, you know, yeah. They're African explorers. Then they're all doctors in a hospital. Then they're fucking mountaineers, carry on up the Everest or, you know, whatever. Let's do, let's, why don't we do carry on Koh Samui? Oh, then we can do carry on down under. Yes, that's not bad. So if anyone coming to either any of the live shows coming up or including Koh Samui, if any of you want to be on stage and have your bra accidentally –

Oh, no. Nearly come off but not come off. Yeah. I feel like that would be a great new – because you know how now any new drama, like HBO kind of kicked off seeing sex in TV shows. And now it's like any time you see the first episode of an HBO series or whatever, if you don't see breasts within the first like 15 seconds, you're like, these guys aren't bothering.

These guys aren't serious. You know what I mean? Like, it feels like it's become a rule where there has to be a sex scene in the first five minutes of every new drama series. What if they did? So they reboot it. So it goes back. It's like sex is off the table now.

Right, right, right. What's back on the table is nearly sex yeah nearly the idea of yeah what about this you know how they they make um pornos of like famous tv shows or movies what if they make a porno carry on so it's like oh my brain only came off and then a second later it does come off and then there's full-on anal penetration five seconds later for the next 20 minutes yeah that's cool but it's still in a whoops a daisy kind of way but no because it's so much brutaler it's like called carry on up the ass

someone photoshop that one up for us there we go that's i haven't had an idea tickle me like that for a while that's good it's it's It's the intersection of a lot of different interests for you. Fuck, I would love if there's some way for us to reboot the Carry On movies, me and you being with a few other people and then just some weird Instagram models that want to get involved that just nearly take their tops off. Are they still making like, you know, American Pie style, like high school romps? Oh, yeah.

High school, like kids trying to get boned. I feel like I haven't seen a new one of them kind of tap quite some time. No, you're right. Is that a dead art form? Yeah, maybe that's – yeah, maybe they're no longer. Maybe that idea needs a reboot as well because horny teens have got to get their rocks off somehow. But I mean, I feel like so much of that stuff dates pretty badly. Like in American Pie where there's like a girl getting changed in his room and he's got a webcam set up that he's just streaming to his entire school.

It's like so dodgy now. Yes. Like what can you do in a horny romp comedy that isn't going to immediately get like even you know like porkies like i was going to say how do you do a woke porky yeah maybe that's it we reboot carry on and then we do woke porkies so it's not peering through a hole just a lot of just a lot of teenagers yeah putting um gap filler into the holes in the girls' toilets. Right.

I was going to say the hole isn't in the toilets. The hole's in the library. And they're like, wow, look at her. She's expanding her knowledge. Right. You know what I mean? Right, right, right. Oh, she's studying.

That's great. She's getting a great education. She's going to make someone a great wife one day. Well, no, hang on. That's getting a bit too, you know. Gender specific. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. All of it. That's a bit judgmental. You're off the project, Carl. Okay. All right. Hey, I'm just learning. White Porky's is now a solo venture.

There are no bad ideas. Okay. Right. Okay. Well, we better get on. There are no bad ideas. In the middle of this segment that takes us an hour and a half to read out people's names. I thought we were going quite quickly there for a second, but we got stuck just before

the first name got read out. Yeah, the first hurdle. Right. Now, okay, we'll get back to it. We'll bookmark that idea because I don't think we've come up with a better idea since Koh Samui. It's a great idea. And the pop-up shop and every idea we've ever had.

Yeah. So, woke porkies and carry on up the ass. Two ideas. We'll put carry on up the ass. Two ideas. We'll put them on the drawing board. I'll sizzle this. I got sent an email during the week about a potential new venture for us that I'm excited by. But it relates to a product that felt somewhat insensitive to bring up with one of our guests. Oh, Amel?

Getting us as the face of VHS head cleaner would be pretty great. Look at these two disgusting heads. There you go. All right. So thank you to Patreon subscriber number one for this week. Thank you too. Now, this is very interesting. They haven't left their actual birth given name.

Or have they? Thank you to Patreon subscriber, son of Asian post office man. Now, what's the breakup on this in the first and last name fields? Can you see that? No. That is what they've put their name down as. So it's not Asian post office man, son of. No.

Right. No, none of that. Son of Asian Post Office Man. Yes. Okay. So, well. Now, do you know what that relates to? Absolutely not.

A couple of years ago, there was a couple of weeks where I was talking about, back in the days of the Dr. Dr. Ramsey story where I was living in Riversdale Road, there was my local post office, which I would post out the merch from. there was my local post office, which I would post out the merch from. I would go up there and the Asian bloke who owned the post office would just always grab the parcels and go, oh, yeah, sending this to Kai Abramaya or, you know, whatever. We'd just have a comment on everything. And because of the posting, I'd put sometimes my address on the back.

He would then go, oh, like he'd figure out where I lived. And he was always asking me who lived in the building. He cracked the code. Yeah. He was always like, oh, what's the guy in the Ford, you know, driving that Ford, what's he up to these days? I'm like, I fucking don't know.

Okay. Like there was a guy who died in that apartment that he was quizzing me about. Yeah, yeah, I remember this now. And I was asking him about Dr. Dr. Ramsey and everything. He knew everything. He was big sticky nose. Yeah. Anyway, I was describing name. And I was asking him about Dr. Dr. Ramsey and he knew everything. He was a big sticky nose. Yeah. Anyway, I was describing that at the time. Then I got hit up by this guy that said, I think that's my dad that you're talking about.

Right, okay. And I listened to the show. So this guy, this is son of Asian post office man. Wow. Yeah. That's pretty cool. Yeah. Well, I guess I supported his dad's business there for quite a while. It's all coming back around. Yeah. It's the son of Asian post office man. Wow. Yeah. That's pretty cool. Yeah. Well, I guess I supported his dad's business there for quite a while.

It's all coming back around. Yeah. So son of Asian post office man. So, I mean, I guess the Asian and man bits still apply to him. Yes. You know what I mean? Well. Son of an Asian.

I mean, maybe he's getting into the family business. Yeah. Do you ever go back to your old address and like check if there's mail there for you? No. Right. I did that for a couple of weeks. I've never done it and I've realized there's enough packages of things that I have been sent that would have gone there that I didn't change

my address in time. Oh, wow. So there's a couple of them are me being sent video games for my other podcast by developers to review and then me going, because I thought I had like updated my address with this company. And then the other day I was like, by the way, have you got my new address? And she's like, no, I never wrote that down. So sorry. And I was like, I thought maybe they'd been lost in the post or whatever.

Turns out, so if the people that live at my old address play games, they're loving it. Give out your old address. There's just video games just rocking up on the front doorstep just randomly with no context like, hey, here's a new Mario game. Like, cool. Give out your old address. Why? I don't know.

So people can go around and go through their mail and get those free video games. That's not bad. Yeah. I don't want to do that. I feel like there's a way that that blows back on me somehow. Sure. You know what I mean? I don't know how.

That reminds me of my upcoming project, Carry On Up The Arse. I'll give out my address from two houses ago. Oh, okay. That's probably pretty safe. Great. Put it on the map of the stars. Yeah, yeah. No, but then...

But now you've taken that back as well. Yeah. I'll give out my address from where I grew up. Okay. From ages zero to 11. Okay, I'll give out my address from where I grew up. Okay. From ages zero to 11. Okay. I'll do the same. 5 Daily Street, Maribor.

Okay. Interesting. 9 Rose Street, Armadale. Oh, okay. Nice. All right. Well, guys, road trip. Road trip time.

Go past the house that I lived in until grade two. And then after that, we moved to 20 Meredith Street, Malvern. Go and check out Five Daly Street to find one of the rare houses I've been in where I haven't cracked a stiffy at some stage. Yeah, interesting. Yeah, that's Rose Street for me. Right. But then Meredith Street, that was the house where I learnt

how to jack off. Right. That was the house where I busted for the first time. And that came with the house? Like that was – you learnt how to do off. Right. That was the house where I busted for the first time. And that came with the house? Like that was, you learnt how to do it in that house. Was there some sort of teaching? Was there some sort of tool, learning tool in that house built in? There was a learning tool, yeah.

There was a CD-ROM that got passed around my school. Oh, really? Yeah. This was the days of like porno being like a login on a website. Right. And there was a kid at my school who what he like had found i don't know logins somehow online uh and so he downloaded a bunch of and he was like one of the few kids at my school who had a cd burner which if you were that kid yeah you

were a god busy you ruled the schoolyard yeah so he would sell for 20 a compilation wow of some pornos that he had downloaded. Wow. And then looking back on them now, they were all just like grainy. He was like, he claimed that he had stolen his uncle's credit card and put it and like, you know, had the login. He was like, I get into all the sites. But looking back on it now, they were just like very,

very low bit rate, like real player. They were like samples that you could have just gotten any, like without logging in. But then also in the mix was just to kind of, because he'd say, oh, there's this many files on the CD. And you'd be like, fuck yeah, that's so much porno. But then you got it. And to boost up the numbers, he just had like clips from movies

that just had like there's a sex scene from Species in there. There was the clip from Basic Instinct in there. And it's like, come on, man. There's just a bit of Mr. Skin downloads there as well. Pretty much. Yeah. Yeah. Just come on, man.

And, you know, who are you going to go to? You're a kid. You've been ripped off. $20 is a lot when you're, like, 16 or whatever. Hey, it's a seller's market, though. 100%. Yeah. I'd love to.

Man, I would love to find. If I could find that old CD and just look at the, just go take a trip through memory lane to the four videos that I used to bust over for like two years straight. Man, I'm with you. I'd love to be watching pornos right now. What's your side of choice? Do you have a... A side?

Sight. A side? Sight. A sight. Sight. I've recently crossed over. What do you mean? I've... You've died? No.

I've recently moved servers. Okay. Yeah. You found a new site? Found a... Yeah. I've gone from Pornhub to... Okay. Yeah. You found a new site. Found a, yeah. I've gone from Pornhub to the golden domain name, porn.com. Is that a real thing?

Yeah. Does that exist? Yes. And it's good? It's doing the job. Fits my requirements. Does what it says on the tin. My friend accidentally, not accidentally, but for some weird reason,

I typed something in our chat window and I misspelled something. And she said, oh, it's funny that you made that spelling mistake because that's my boyfriend's porno website of choice. And I was like, me too, and that's absolutely why I made that spelling mistake. Just the muscle memory of my fingers. Was that it? Me Too, MeToo.com? Is that what you said?

What? Fucking hell. Has anyone registered that as a domain, do you think? That's good. That's a good idea. Just redirects to Miramax? Yeah. What is your choice?

What's your backing? Beeg.com. B-E-E- max. Yeah. What is your choice? What's your backing? A website called Beeg.com. B-E-E-G? Yeah. Dot com. Yeah. What's that in reference to? I actually don't know.

Someone will know. Any Beeg heads out there. But I think it was something I was saying to my friend. Oh, I had a, it was something like me saying I had a beef burger and I accidentally typed it out as Beeg burger. Right. And she goes, oh, big is my boyfriend's. And I'm like, it's weird that you're telling, because he's a mate of mine.

It's like weird that you're giving that out to me. And also, yeah, why do you think I typed that? And also weird that you know. That she knows. I mean, I don't know. You've never, do you not have that kind of freedom of information with your partner? No, there's not an act in place.

Really? No. I've had complete transparency both ways with my partner. Both ways? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, where they're like, this is the stuff I've, this is what I watch. Right.

And I'm like, this is what I watch. No, no, no. None of that. No. Old school. Old school. Yeah. Still hiding my pornos under the bed.

Really? You know. Right. Up the bush. Man, I pornos under the bed. Really? Right. Up the bush. Man, I love talking about porno. Yeah, it's good, isn't it? It's such a good topic. Yeah. Like it's so – this will be the thread this week in the Facebook group.

This is – People talking about their pornos. At some stage, I could have given you a very – could have used I could have gone on hard quiz with 90s late 90s rock hard quiz actresses in the adult industry

really yeah I feel like that is very much a thing of a bygone era yes like knowing that no one knows the fucking names

of anyone in anything anymore yeah I don't feel like I don't think they're no one's making any money out of it anymore, I think. Yeah. So there's no stars. Yeah, yeah.

I do a lot of things of like I'll go on there for a sesh and I'll just kind of go through and sort of pick out, oh, yeah, and just like open in a new tab and scroll down and then at a certain point I have to stop myself and go, how many fucking options do you need? Right. Like how many fucking windows do you need going? Do you know what I mean? I want to make sure I'm all locked and loaded. Yeah.

And ready to go. Well, you know, like the cliche of like, this is generally how, generally how people work with music is that they discover music, you know, music's their life maybe at 19, 20, 21, 22, whatever it is. Then you grow up and you get other responsibilities. Then you get music's not as much of a part of your life. You don't have that time to search out new music and new bands and whatever. So a lot of people, that's why you see people that are 40 that are still going to fucking,

you know, Pearl Jam and stuff like that. That's what I feel like with porn i'm still looking up the right the ones that i got into back then right interesting i don't necessarily agree that that's why people stop getting into new music as much oh i definitely do what what else what not having the time yes um i think people just like the stuff that they like from when they were a kid because I feel like there is a golden era of your life where the stuff that you're into then, you're always going to like more because it reminds you of that time.

And that's the age where you're kind of, yeah, coming of age and really discovering the world. I agree. And it's always going to be linked to that. Totally. And you're never going to like new stuff as much as you like. And also because things change. Stylistically, things change.

I agree. But I also definitely think time is a factor as well because back then you got fucking nothing to do. And so music's a bigger part of everything because you're not committed with jobs or relationships. Things get more fucking hectic in your life. Yeah, I guess it depends how and when you listen to music. Like I listen to a lot of music,

but I don't just sit at my house listening to it. I listen to it on planes and I go for a run and I listen to stuff. Yeah. And I listen to it on public transport. Oh, look, I'm not saying that's true of everyone. Like it's not true of you because you're living a different life to a lot of other people. So you can use that.

You can have music as a bigger part of your life. But not everyone's like that. of you because you're living a different life to a lot of other people so you can use that you can have music as a bigger part of your life but not everyone's like that a lot of other people have kids or families or jobs or fucking whatever yeah yeah kids is the big one i guess yeah so i think people like i find it like i think it's cool that you can do that but i do find it odd when adults are still like going to new bands and going, yeah, fucking check this out. Just be weird like everyone else and stick to the one thing you liked 20 years ago, all right? Yeah, okay.

To me, it's like Molly Meldrum, where I'm like, Molly, fucking grow up, cunt. Right. Molly's still coming out with, oh, check out these 20-year-olds. I'm like, oh. But it's a hobby. It's an entry.

It's something you're interested in. Yeah, I know. I just, it's not negative. Like I said, I just think that that's exactly how it works. Yeah. I think you run out of time or it's not as important for you. You've got other priorities. That's it.

Yeah. Anyway, thanks, Sunnovation Post Office. Thanks, Sunnovation Post Office, man. We should have talked more about him, but we're running, we can't do this all the time. We can't, yeah. That's fucking taking forever already. Yeah, yeah.

But, hey, look, I'm sorry. Say hello to your dad for me. I have not been back there for a while because I moved house. Also, you guys moved your post office over the road. They moved their post office by 50 metres. The gall. Very weird. Moving across the road would be a fucking pain in the ass.

But it's diagonal as well, so it's not even like you just move over one street. You've got to fucking jaywalk or do two streets. Yeah. It's not a particularly easy traffic light to cross at that one either. You've got to get that big window pane across the street with all the cars rushing past. Exactly. You know, dodging them every which way. Yep.

Nightmare. And then if you- Those crates of chickens, you know, they've got to be taken across. Getting filmed just for laughs for those blooper videos for the planes. Yep. nightmare and then if those crates of chickens you know they've got to be taken across getting filmed for just for laughs for those blooper videos for planes yep

but hey keen to know if you're in the family business yet or in the family way thanks thanks son thank you to

Patreon subscriber Roger Mar Roger Mar M A I think I've met this man really well a name like that would stick with you yeah I don't know if you've ever heard about Roger Marr. Roger Marr. M-A. I think I've met this man. Really? Well, a name like that would stick with you.

Yeah. I don't know if you've ever heard about this, but a lot of people, their surnames come from what they used to do for a living way back in the day, right? Yep. So these, way back in the day, they were professional mothers, this guy's family, I think. Right. Professional mums.

Yeah. So like what? Like the super nanny? Yeah, I guess so Right. Professional mums. Yeah. So, like what? Like the super nanny? Yeah, I guess so. Like professionally bred children. Roger Ma, M-A. That's his name. Yeah.

Ma. It is strange. Do you find that peculiar? That would be, I would say by like saying that out loud, people are always going to think that there's an R on the end of it. Yes, or a H at the very least. Yeah. people are always going to think that there's an R on the end of it.

Yes, or a H at the very least. Yeah. And then if you marry Roger and you give him a child, you become Ma Ma. Yeah, very nice. Yeah. Roger Ma. Yeah.

Ma. Ma. Ma. Hey, Ma. Two odd names, I have to say. I like the name Roger. Yeah, well. I think it's cool. I think we'll be using that in Carry On Up The Arse

Every guy is called Roger What are the other sexually explicit names That you can have in Carry On Up The Arse Roger You'd have like a Roger Bone Or a Roger Yeah Johnson

Jack Wang Wang's good because we get to have a bit of racial fun Johnson. Yeah. Jack. Yeah. Wang. Wang, oh yeah. Fucking A. Wang's good because we get to have a bit of racial fun as well. Oh, nice. That's double up. Just a bit of oriental action.

Yeah. Yeah, there wasn't a lot of that in the carry-ons, I don't believe. There wasn't, okay. There would have been maybe, dare I say it, some sort of English fop doing the eyes, I would say, back then. I say it, some sort of English fop doing the eyes, I would say, back then. I don't think you would have had too many Asian actors

in... Not much representation. No, back in the late 60s, mid 60s, early 70s, something like that. No, I don't think so. I think they did reboot, or not reboot, they made like a carry-on in maybe like the late 80s, early 90s.

Just put their toe in the water. Maybe we could get away with it with a new breed. And I'm pretty sure they had Julian Cleary in it and stuff like that. Yeah. But I don't think it took. Well, they rebooted. What was the one they did recently? They did a National Lampoon's Vacation.

Didn't they do a new Vacation movie relatively recently? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just no one cared? Yeah. No one gave a fuck about it? Fuck. I'm sure we've talked about but that's my dream

I wrote to National Lampoon to ask them if they could sponsor the Coastal Mui International Podcast

Festival I just got no answer what? did I not tell you that? no of course you didn't oh well maybe I was waiting until it paid off

and nothing paid off right I really wanted to I was like I'm not even after any money just give us the permission to say it's National Lampoons,

Koh Samui International Fuckers Festival. Oh, damn. Well, we know people that work on MAD. I know it's not quite the same, but we could have like, hey, the lighter side

of Koh Samui. Yeah. Oh, no, MAD wouldn't. Because MAD is still a thing, but National Lampoons, I don't think is. Right. So, of course,

that's why you wrote to them. Yeah. But it's like, what do they care if we use their name? Yeah. Maybe we just use their name anyway and just see what happens. Yeah. Just see what happens. And if we got sued by them, that's why you wrote to them. Yeah, but it's like, what do they care if we use their name? Yeah, yeah. Why don't we just use their name anyway and just see what happens? Yeah, we should.

Just see what happens. And if we got sued by them, that would be great. Yeah, right. All content. National Lampoon's Koh Samui Vacation. It's done. Cool. Great.

Should we call it National Lampoon's Koh Samui International Podcast Festival Vacation? I think so, yeah. Okay. Yeah. Great. Thanks, Roger. Thanks, Roger. Roger Ma. Hmm. festival vacation i think so yeah okay yeah great um thanks roger thanks roger roger ma can't get over that it's strange stuff it's very weird it's for some reason it's weirder than son of asian post office man yeah it it actually is yeah yeah yeah maybe that's a

description as well maybe this is a like a Freudian thing where he's like, I want to Roger my math. That's me. There we go. Well, that's a character in Carrying Up the Ass. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Andre Vinatia. Vinatia. Yeah.

V-I-N-A-T-E-A. A-T-E-A. Vinatia. Andre. V-I-N... A-T-E-A. A-T-E-A. Vinatia. Vinatia. Andre. And that's a... Yeah. That's a...

It's got the accent on there? No, but it's A-N-D-R-E-S. That's still Andre, though, isn't it? I think so. It's not multiple. Andres. Andres. There's multiple Andres.

Okay. This is like a Siamese twin. Yeah. Oh, right. Yeah, right. Andres. There's multiple Andres. Okay, this is like a Siamese twin. Yeah. Oh, right. Yeah, right. Andres. That's cool. You get a Siamese twin, they've both got the same name.

Yeah. So then it's just Carl's Chandler. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And they're just going halves in one subscription. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Now that I'm not into.

This is tight arsery. Fuck. I'd be so into it if I found out that we had Siamese twins listen to this show. I mean, you know, the numbers go up and so you'd have to think the odds are decent. They're not going up as much as they might because that one download is going to, you know, it's being listened to by two people in that way. Yeah. Yeah.

But I mean, statistically. Right. We've got, you know. Oh, yeah. Right. I mean, statistically, we've got, you know. Oh, yeah, right. So if we found out maybe the average of Siamese twins is like one in 200,000, then you would go, okay, then we have this many listeners. Once we hit this, yeah. Right.

So we must have. If we find out that it's one in 500,000, and our goal is that we have to try and get 500,000 listeners every week just so we can potentially have a Siamese twin. We want a Siamese twin listener by the end of the year. Right. 500,000 and our goal is that we have to try and get 500,000 listeners every week just so we can potentially have a Siamese twin. We want a Siamese twin listener by the end of the year. Right. That's the goal for 2019.

That's our New Year's resolution. Yes. Get a Siamese twin that listens to the podcast. For someone who has been in a horrible situation and somehow make it more horrible. Yes. Yep. Is that a horrible – I mean, I guess it's not great. It's not ideal.

It's not the dream. But it's like if you woke up tomorrow as a Siamese twin, you'd be like, this is fucked. But if you're born that way, you don't know any other way of being. Sure. But if you talk to Siamese twins and said, would you rather be just separate, you're going to get some yeses. Yeah, that's fair.

If I ask a bunch of people who aren't Siamese twins, would you want to be one? Yeah. You would get 100% no's. Yeah. So. A lot on their plate, the Siamese twins. Would you want to be one? Yeah. You would get 100% no's. Yeah. So. A lot on their plate, the Siamese twins. No time to listen to music.

Yes. A lot going on. Exactly. Very busy with family. Yeah. Yeah. Too much time commitments. Yes.

I'm still. They're still. They're still. I'm still distracted because I'm still turning over that opinion of yours in my head. They're still. They're still listening to the Hoodoo Gurus. Yeah. Those guys. Yeah.

Yeah. That would be taught like having a Siamese twin who just had complete different tastes in movies and stuff to you. Different porno tastes would be very hard. Yeah. Is there more of a mage? They're more of a porn hub. We've got to get over to Beeg, dude.

Beeg. That's where all the good stuff is going on. Man, I'm, you know what? You talk. I'm checking out Beeg.com right now. Oh, well, fuck. Now we're never going to finish this. Beeg.

B-E-E-G.com. Shout out. The unofficial porn sponsor of the little dum-dum club. Well, half of it at the moment. Yeah. No, have a look. I think you'll be a fan. I think you'll like what you see.

I'm not seeing any I'm not seeing any 90s early 2000 representation here. Do you find that on porn.com? Mate you can find everything

on porn.com. Really? What do you think? It's porn.com. That indicates it's got everything. Yeah. So what? They have like got everything. Yeah, so what? They have like a 90s section?

No. It's like a video store where they've just got a classics bit? Yeah, cult section. No, it's got a search engine. So if you know the names of people that you want to see, you look that up. I think you can search stuff on Big, but again, I don't know who I'm looking for. Yeah, right. Well, nothing's coming up on the front page there's no faces i recognize at all right so that's what you want people you know you want yeah i want you're a sucker for a brand yeah yeah i'm like

a it's like i'm walking into hoyts look i don't want to go and see some art house shit that i've never heard okay yeah that one that one's got bruce willis it. Incredibles 2, thanks. I'm in. I'm in. I want to see fucking Meryl Streep. Yep. I'm in there. Okay. Okay. Yeah, look, I've picked a name at random and put it this way,

they have all of their later works. Okay. There's no original gear in there. Okay. So I think they're being a little bit... See, now this is the age gap between you and me. Yes. In full effect.

Yes. Right here. Yes. This is it. This sums it up perfectly. Yeah. Porno habits. This is...

See, you're on Triple J still. Yeah, yeah. That's true. You've moved over to Double J. Triple X and Double X over here. Yeah, yeah. Totally. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Totally. Yeah.

Oh, man. Fuck. No. Oh, this is so... I'm busy beating off to Ben and Liam. I'm still jacking it to scream feeder. Scream beater. Yeah.

Scream heater beater. All right. Yeah, but Now I'm not I'm not Not changing over Okay Sorry Not one over

Sticking to The absolute Encyclopedia Okay Britannica Fair Of dick in arse Absolutely fair

Thanks Andre Thanks Andre for inspiring that Thank you to Patreon subscriber Andrew Dowling. Dowling? Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. What do you think about that?

I don't mind it. D-O-W-L-I-N-G? That's the only way it could be. You know, there could be an E after the W, I feel like, potentially. Maybe? No. I think that's impossible. Why?

I cannot imagine that happening. You cannot possibly fathom it. No. Okay. Did you say fathom or fathom? Fathom. Fathom? Fathom.

Fathom. Sounding like a fathom to me. Fathom. That's what it sounds like you're saying. Right, no, fathom. Fathom. Right. Fathom.

There's just a tiny little F in your THs there. Right. Right. Sorry. I didn't mind it. Right. It's fine. I just wanted to get it clear.

Right. Andrew Dowling. Sounds like some sort of school teacher to me. Yeah, you're right. Some sort of, I'm feeling a bit more, I don't want to say boring, but I'm feeling school teacher, real estate agent. What's the first name again? Andrew. Oh, yeah.

This is dull. What do you think? Drew Dowling. Who? Drew Dowling. Who's that? Oh, that's his name. This guy.

Oh, fuck. Who's that? You've got it right in front of you. I've never, you know what? I've known a lot of Andrews and none of them have ever been turned into a Drew. Yeah. You've got a friend called Drew. Is he some Andrew?

Yeah, that's the funniest thing. It's not. He's just Drew on his birth certificate, which I'm fascinated by. That's like naming someone Billy without them being William to start with. Yeah, for sure. I feel like, and I'm sure we've said this before, but like you want to give, I mean, you call a kid Thomas. There's not really any chance that they're ever going to go by Thomas.

Right. But you've got to give them the option. Right. You've got to give them the full... So you know what I like as a name? And I'm having a child soon-ish, but we haven't really gone through boys' names very much because we don't know what we're having.

Yeah. But you both think it's a girl. You're both convinced it's a girl. Well, you've got a feeling. You've just got a feeling. I'm not convinced because we don't know what we're having yeah but you you both think it's a girl you're both convinced well you've got a feeling you just got a feeling i'm not convinced because i don't know shit yeah but we just have that wow yeah can you say that again yeah so i quite like the name billy yeah but i'm thinking that's really yeah i like it really yeah i do like it really but you can't give a kid the name Billy just without the option of William. 100%. Yeah. I feel like it's like, because that's what my parents did to me.

They named me Thomas, but then they just called me Tom growing up. So it's like, but I don't know why. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Went through the formalities. Yeah. They gave you an option. Through the formalities. Yeah. He gave you an option.

My friend had to get his name changed because he's Greek and his parents gave him the Greek version of a name. But then growing up just always called him the Anglo version or whatever. But then because he would just call himself that and I think maybe his driver's license or something was in that name, but he kept running into problems when he had to get documents done or whatever it is. Because it's like on his birth certificate, it's something completely different. So he had to go in and get it changed.

Which it's like, why give me that name for tradition, but then just immediately start calling me something different around the house anyway. Totally, totally, totally agree. Yeah, Billy. Maybe Billy's a good girl's name then. Billy? Yeah. Actually, I agree with you.

B-I-L-L-I-E. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm into that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So am I now. Yeah. I'll look up on beach.com, see if there's any Billys. Why would you do that?

Honey, I've got the greatest name for our daughter. Oh, my God. There would be people out there that have named. What's worse, naming your child after your favorite porn star or naming your child after your favorite ex-girlfriend? Ooh. What's worse? Interesting.

Probably, I think the porn star. There's two options there because the favorite ex-girlfriend is sort of a little bit tragic because you're going, oh, well, I ended up picking the wrong one. Yes. Whereas favorite porn star, you're going to get, oh, okay, so my baby's now called... Cock Monster Chandler. You know, like Dallas or Diamond or fucking whatever. One's sad and one's creepy.

Yeah. They're kind of... They're too hard to compare. Yeah. Because they're just so... Such wildly different. Like how fucked in the head you have to be... Yeah.

...to want to do either of those things. And then what has to be wrong with your partner for them to be talked into that? Yeah. A lot to think about. I'm fascinated. I can't wait to see what you name your kid. Yeah. A lot to think about. I'm fascinated. I can't wait to see what you name your kid. Yeah. There's a favourite at the moment.

Interesting. Yeah. Can you say it? No, only for a girl. Right. For some reason we've only, yeah. We've got this weird idea that it's a girl, so we have only thought of names for girls.

I love the idea that it comes out of boy and you are just completely caught unawares. Honestly, at the moment. Just at the last minute, looking around the room, Roof Chandler. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Doctor. Doctor Chandler. Yeah, that would be good. Yeah, we've got to get down to it. We keep saying it to each other.

We've got to sit down and think of a boy's name. Zero, zero in the chamber at the moment. You're treating the naming of this kid like you book your comedy room. Well, that's fine. I'll end up being a very successful child. Doing a ring around on the night. It'll go great and be very successful. I might have a pop in special guest name at the last minute.

That's not bad. Unannounced. Just change the name for the have a pop in special guest name. Cool. At the last minute. That's not bad. Unannounced. Just change the name for the first couple of months. Yeah. Just see. You should, you should have a year's grace. You should just get to kind of fuck around with it with a few different names for a year. And then it's like you have a ceremony first birthday.

That's when we do it. Yeah. Well, you know, people do that with animals and people do that with football teams. What's the difference? Like people adopt people adopting an animal and just changing his name yeah he's insane to me yeah i'm sorry you've just got to cop it if you get a rescue yeah and you don't like what its name is yeah fucking too bad yeah don't get a rescue then yeah um but then again with rescue animals how do people know what

their fucking names are anyway? I don't know. Because if the animal's been dumped or whatever, no one knows what the fuck the animal's name is. Well, it might have a tag. It could have a tag on it. There's a bunch of different reasons why. I mean, people... Not too many tags these days. They've all got chips in them.

That's true. But that stuff's in the chip, right? You know what? Surely. If you've got a dog with a collar on it, that's like fucking looking up porn.com for 90s porn stars. I want to get a dog, dude. I really want to get a fucking dog. You know what?

Because I've got a cat. The cat's not that affectionate, as cats aren't. They can be a little bit, but a lot of times they're not. I've been going for runs and jogs and whatever just today. Saw two different people having a lot of fun with a dog. Yeah. I do not have that relationship with Crunchy. Yeah, they're the best. The dogs are just like laying there, loving it. Yeah. I do not have that relationship with Crunchy. Yeah, they're the best.

The dogs are just like laying there loving it. Yeah. Affection, going crazy. I grew up with a dog and really as of the last two years, it's driving me crazy. It's like I miss having a dog around. Yeah. They're the fucking best. And then I had a dog with my ex-ex in that house that we lived in.

The little dog. Yeah. He was on the podcast every now and then. Right. And then he did. Yeah. He died not long after we lived in. The little dog. He was on the podcast every now and then. Right. And then he did. Yeah. He died not long after we broke up. Oh.

Heartbroken. He couldn't handle me not being around. Pining for you. He offed himself. Right. Because he knew he was never going to see me again. Right. And I was just like, yeah, I need to get a dog back in my life.

Well, you live by yourself. I know. Like, if I was you, I would, you know, get something. Get a fucking goldfish. Well, my folks, like our family dog passed away like, I don't know, six or seven years ago or something. And I think my parents miss having a dog around, but they also like the freedom of not full-time having a dog.

But they'll every now and then bring up like, how do you get on with that dog thing? Because they want to share custody. They want to be able to have it if I go away and stuff. Yeah. When I go away. Right. So it does make it, it does mean that like the big thing of like, oh, when I travel,

what would I do? That's taken care of. Right. There's no, other than me, technically, I don't think being allowed to have one in my building. Right. But that's workable. Yeah.

Yeah, that's easy. It was telling me the other day, they live in an apartment building where you're not that's workable. Yeah. Yeah, that's easy. Who was telling me the other day they live in an apartment building where you're not allowed to have animals in there. Officially, you're not allowed to. Isn't there a new rule where you're allowed to do

what the fuck you want? I don't think it's quite come in yet. Right. I think currently, you're technically not allowed to, but they were saying in their building, you're not allowed to.

Right. But then every now and then the fire alarm goes off and everyone's gathered out in the street with their dogs because so many people in the building have them and they're having to like pretend, oh, where's this? Oh, this dog's just in the street. It's a runaway.

Where's it come from? The building manager's there going, hang on a minute. All right. So that's, we've been begging on enough. Let's get to it. Thanks, Andrew. Thanks, Andrew. Let's get to the, let's make this the last one

this week yep um i feel like some people some sometimes people in the last name some people will like hit us up and go oh you know we we we think it should have been another person you know it should have been a different person at the end that you said thank you to okay like how do you mean like what some some people think you know that that it's some sort of deep state here there's a different person at the end that you said thank you to. Okay. Like, how do you mean? Like what? Some people think, you know, that it's some sort of deep state here. There's some sort of conspiracy where we rig some of this or, you know, some people have got fucking tinfoil hats on. Right. And they think they can figure out the algorithm of how this Patreon read works.

Where we actually just decide to do the same number every week and that we – I don't know, man. It's not random. These Sandy Hook truthers, these sort of people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they get to like whatever number we're up to. This week we're up to number five. But they think they can predict who's –

Yeah. The name of the person or whatever. They don't believe there's a machine spitting them out at random. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It actually comes from a poorly organized Word document. Yes. It's actually Apple Pages. Sorry.

I think it comes from a poorly organised document of a man who hasn't bothered to buy Word yet. No, I have. Even though his job technically is writer. I actually have. It just hasn't been changed. Hasn't been changed. Right.

This is what these people, these weirdos sit around hypothesizing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of horrible ideas. Right. A lot of Michael Moores out there. Yes. Wow. Yeah.

A lot of, what's the guy that hosts InfoWars? Oh, Alex Jones. Alex Jones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of Alex Joneses out there. So they think, I'm just wondering whether they think they can predict this one again as well. But anyway, we'll see.

Because, of course, it's 100% random. Anyway, now let's, after all of that, let's have a look at who it is. Let's hit the button and find out. Wow, okay. All right. Okay, well, the last one for this week and the fifth one as well is, thank you to Patreon subscriber son of Mr. Comedy.

Right? Yeah. So Mr. Comedy has been read out. No, read out before, or I don't have the records in front of me. So I'm not sure.

Is this a similar thing where, have you talked about someone called Mr. Comedy? Um, this guy's letting you know. Well, look, in front of me, so I'm not sure. Is this a similar thing where, have you talked about someone called Mr. Comedy? And then this guy's letting you know. Well, look, the way that he's phrased it, son of Mr. Comedy, presumes that we know who Mr. Comedy is. So I presume in this segment of the show, that means that his dad must have subscribed at some stage.

Okay, right. Without having that software open. But we've done heaps of these. I can't remember that name. Yeah, I couldn't tell you who was on last week. Right. I couldn't tell you the last name of the last person we read out last week. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't, you know, I don't go back and listen.

So, but we, the second son of, in one episode, which is interesting. Yeah, yeah, a lot of, well, you know, all the others could be sons as well, for all we know. Some of the girls might not be. Yeah.

Were there any girls this week? There wasn't any girls this week. Yeah. Unless Roger is some sort of different name overseas or something like that. Yeah. Well, that's cool. Or if Andre's with the S is a female version of Andre. There you go.

Who knows? And dress. And dress. And knows? And dress. And dress. And dress. And dress. Yeah, cool. So, well, son of Mr. Comedy.

Wow. I mean, that sounds, it's hard to know really anything about the family or what they do or anything. I mean, at least with son of Asian post office man, I mean, it's all there. We know what he's living in the shadow of. Whereas this guy, we have no clue. And at least with Roger Marr, we know that their ancestors were mothers. Yeah. But with this guy.

There's nothing. There's no clue. Yeah. You may as well have not subscribed because there's nothing for us to work with here. Yes. Agree. Yeah. However, thank you for subscribing.

Oh, 100%. To the tune of $69 a month. Fantastic. Yeah, that's a lot. That is a lot. That is a lot. Yeah. Nothing funny about that.

Just a good bit of income for the two of us. Yep. Appreciate it. And look, I love the idea that someone's passing on the podcast down the family to sit around maybe on Sunday night listening as in tradition in the old days. Yeah. On the old radio and listen to their favorite radio show or whatever. Apparently this Mr. Comedy, was it?

Yep, Mr. Comedy. He's got the family around the wireless, except it's the laptop or fucking I don't know. Bluetooth speaker. Yes. The Google Home. Yes. He's got an iPod with fucking eight headphones wedged in it somehow. A little splitter coming out of it.

Yep. And he's passing it on down the family and teaching his family. And his son has enjoyed it so much that he's decided he's going to start contributing his pocket money. Yeah. That's cool. And fucking, I mean, I don't remember. I think I was getting like, you know, between five,

ten bucks a week at some stage, you know, growing up. But for this kid, pocket money must have been raised quite a bit over the years. Well, of course. $69. With inflation, yeah. Yeah, $69 a month. That is like $12, $15 a week. Yeah.

Over $15 a week. Yeah. So you think he's contributing all of his pocket money? Well, $15 of it. Yeah. How much do people give for pocket money these days? I don't know. Hey, parents, get more than that. $15 of it? Yeah. How much do people get for pocket money these days? I don't know.

Hey, parents, let us know. What do you give your kids? Fuck. Now, this would be the chat if we had a radio show. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You keep talking enough and things like this pop up. This is the topic.

I would guess average $20 a week. Yeah, that's my guess. For a, what, like a 16-year-old? Because what do you get for 20 a week? What do you buy for 20 a week now? If you're a kid, what are you spending your money on? I mean, but then you get into that interesting thing of like with – so if you're a parent and you're buying your kid a mobile phone for them to have,

well, then you're getting data and everything on that. You can get so much for free now. And presumably a family has a Netflix account where, you know, so when I was growing up with my pocket money, I'd buy like DVDs and stuff because if I wanted to watch something, well, that's where it was. But every family now would just have a streaming account that's got everything on it.

So there's no need to like spend as a kid your disposable income on media because you're already getting it as part of the family. Yeah. Yeah. So I guess you're just spending it on lube, I guess now. Right. You're getting your porn for free.

You're getting porn for free. Yeah. But you know what you're not getting for free? What? A wet dick. So you need to lube it on up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good point.

Before you bat off. Well, hopefully in the future that won't be a problem. The eggheads at NASA will figure that one out. Yes, yes. We can put a man on the moon. Why can't we get a self-sourcing dick? That's exactly what I was about to say. Alright, well thanks, Sonov. Thanks, Sonov. And yeah, thanks to everyone

who supports the show on Patreon. LittleDumbDumbClub.com for all of the upcoming tour dates, the information about Koh Samui, all the tickets, the new merchandise. If you want your name read out in this manner, get on. We appreciate the support. The bonus content is always very well received, so you do get some bang for your buck there.

Guys, we'll see you next week. Thanks for listening. See you next time. See you, mates.