The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 434 - Peter Helliar & Lehmo

Episode Date: January 30, 2019

This week we turn the podcast into a temporary daycare centre with PETER HELLIAR, LEHMO, and Lehmo's child! We're getting close to the arrival of Chandler's baby so he soaks up all the parenting advice he can get, as well as throwing out a few more candidates for the name. We also hear about Tommy's failed attempt at a rebrand in high school PLUS we have a BIG ANNOUNCEMENT in Talking Dum Dum!Don't forget, we have a heap of live shows coming up: BRISBANE! You guys are awesome so we're coming back. March 17, 4pm. CANBERRA! We're back for one night only. March 23, 5pm. MELBOURNE! We're doing another month of huge shows at the Comedy Festival. Saturday March 30, April 6, April 13 & April 20, 4:30pm. We're also doing an extra show: Late Night Dum Dum. Friday April 5, 11:55pm. KOH SAMUI! Come join us for a huge week of shows at an amazing resort. June 11 - 16.For tickets, merchandise, links to our Patreon and heaps of other stuff, head to our website: littledumdumclub.com  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dum Dum Club, a brand new episode with guests Peter Hellyer and Limo featuring a slight special guest. Yeah, not too special. Don't get too excited. But very slight. We have to plug a couple of dates that we have coming up. March the 17th, we are back in Brisbane. We're doing a show at the Woolly Mammoth Bar.

Very much looking forward to that one. Heaps of great guests in town. Great guests. Yeah, this is a bumper line-up. That's going to be heaps of fun. So don't miss that if you're in Brisbane. The same deal the next weekend on the Saturday. Yep, 23rd.

In Canberra, bumper bumper guests. We are infiltrating comedy festivals all over the place and pinching all of their guests. Yep. Passing the savings on to you. That's going to be heaps of fun. Also that night I am doing my solo show, Balding Cherub. So you can get a ticket to that as well. Then we have a month of shows in Melbourne.

March the 30th, April 6th, 13th and 20th. Saturdays at 4.30. During the comedy festival, big, big special guests every week. Heaps of awesome names already locked in. After that, I'm doing a little weird solo show. Lots of mucking around, lots of fun at a tick before six o'clock every Saturday straight after the podcast. So you can just come downstairs and go to that if you like.

Also, my solo show every night of the Melbourne Comedy Festival, 8.20pm at the Cooper's Inn. It's called Balding Cherub. It's going to be a lot of fun. Looking forward to seeing you guys all there. And then, coming up in June, 11 until 16, we have the Koh Samui International

Podcast Festival. That's getting closer and closer. Get on it. Go to our website to find out all the details. How to book, how to get the passwords, how to get the discounts, all of that sort of stuff. Every bit of info you can get is at our website. But tune in at the end. After this episode, we're going to do another edition of Talking Dumb Dumb where we can give out the names of – read out the names of some subscribers

that subscribe every week and get their bonuses like magazines and extra podcasts and stuff like that. But also, we are about to announce another big live show. Yeah. Something new. Something brand new. That'll be at the end of the ep. I want to give one last quick plug.

I've put out a new album of Stand Up at tommydasslow.bandcamp.com. It's just seven bucks. It was recorded in Perth. Thanks to everyone who's bought one so far. You can hop on now and find that. When you're done with this fantastic episode, enjoy this, and we'll see you at the end. Hey, mates.

Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo, and with me is always the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, doodlehead. Are we changing our language this week? I'm not sure. One of our guests has brought a junior version of themselves in. Yeah, let's introduce the three guests that we have today. Peter Hellyer and Limo. Hello.

And Limo Jr. Yeah, a little laddie is here. Hello, mate. Can you say hello? Oh, God, don't. No, he's not saying hello. Don't stop. He's got headphones on.

He's watching Peter Rabbit. Oh, great. But I was... I think it's totally fucked that he brought his kit, to be honest. I think it's a real contact. You just keep those headphones on, mate. He's not wearing headphones. What are you talking about, Lee?

They're actually amplifying sound. He's been swearing a lot lately. I took him to a dumb, dumb podcast. It's around that way, mate. There we go. I'm just giving him his baby Gino. Now, Carl got in touch and said, can you do the podcast? And I said, look, I'd love to, but I've got a two-year-old with me.

So here he is. That's all right. When you think of Dumb Dumb Club, you think of Kreisch. I think it's fair to say. Yeah, totally. In fact, next live show, will you have Kreisch available? Oh, man, yeah. Trust a kid with our fans.

That's what I'd do. Mum's your bub's version of the Dumb Dumb Club. Yeah, yeah, there we go. I think it's got legs. A midday podcast. Yeah, trust a kid with our fans. That's what I do. Mum's your bub's version of the Dum Dum Club. Yeah, yeah, there we go. I think it's got legs. A midday podcast. Yeah, awesome. I'd love to crowd surf at midday. That would be awesome.

Exciting news, it's his first podcast. Oh, great. And I have to say, so it is, he is a boy. Yeah, it is a boy, Carl. It is a boy. It is. The top knot. Exactly. Exactly. The top boy. Yeah. He's a boy. It is a boy, Carl. It is a boy. It is. The top knot. Exactly.

Exactly. The top knot. Yeah. I'll hang on to that, mate. The side issues. Are you forcing a top knot on a two-year-old? Yeah. Well, no, I'm not.

We even cut his hair. He's two and a half. And he gets called a girl minimum once a day. Right. Oh, your girl's so cute. Your daughter's so cute. You want to have a word to your wife about that. We've stopped correcting people.

Twice a day if he tries to kick on his left. Is that all of that? I get a long-term AFLW plan here. Yeah, indeed. Indeed. So, and every time someone says you really should cut his hair, and people have interestingly firm opinions on how you should raise a child. So Kel, I swear, adds three months to when the hair is going to get cut

every time someone's rude about it. So it hasn't been cut at all? Not once. Oh, really? So when it's wet, it goes like three quarters of the way down his back. Right. Now, yeah. And down the front, three quarters of the way down his back. Right. Now, yeah. And down the front, it sort of hangs down to his chin when it's wet.

So there's a lot of hair there. When it's all out and he's running through the park, he looks like Dermot Brereton. That makes me very happy. Just a huge bush of hair. Yeah. Better enjoy it. Oh, yeah, chicken legs.

Chicken legs. Better enjoy it while he can. Oh, yeah, chicken legs. Chicken legs. Better enjoy it while you can. That's all I can say. There was a little pack of Essendon kids the other day. Ran straight through them. Yeah, yeah. And he's podcasting on with a broken rib, which is good. Yeah, yeah.

He'll fight through. Don't worry about that. Well, this is good training for you, Carl, because this is going to be your life pretty soon. How far away are we? A couple of weeks. Really? Wow. I may

have a few questions. As you know, I believe I know nothing at this point. For new listeners, Carl's about to get a top knot. So that's why I'm here. He sent me some photos like, what do you think of this for a look for me? A 42-year-old man with a top knot. It's compulsory.

Prepare to get – I mean, my first bit of advice would be prepare for two things. One is to get advice from everyone like this, for example. Everyone will have advice. Even people who don't have kids will have advice because they'll have a friend who's got a kid and they'll say, oh, yeah, my friend says. So that's one. They'll have a friend who's got a kid and they'll say, oh, yeah, my friend says. So that's one. Oh, look.

Sorry. The second bit of advice is prepare to get reamed with every single purchase you make relating to the kid. Because they're like weddings. They add, I swear, 30% to God damn it. We bought his pram, right? And this is absolutely true. Is that why you're scared about taking him to the hairdressers? They just get 30%? Yeah, that'll be $1,000.

Well, my wife wants to take him to the hairdressers? Yeah, that'll be $1,000. Well, my wife wants to take them to her hairdresser. I mean, I swear, he doesn't do a haircut for under $100. Oh, is that right? Yeah, yeah. I imagine Carol's not going to JustCuts. She's not going to JustCuts. I mean, this is a... This is a whole other story.

When she goes, she's four or five hours. She literally takes a packed lunch, computer has to be fully charged, phone fully charged. Like, she's got the lot when she goes to see, get her hair done.

I used to go to a place in Doncaster, I think it's called Oscar Oscar. Yeah. It was quite nice and I used to go there and they, I liked it

because they, you know, washed your hair and they gave you a nice little kind of massage, head massage as well. And my wife eventually said to me, come on, you don't need to be getting $100 haircuts. Let's have a reality check here.

You can get them free for work for a start. That's true. It was so hard to stop. But that head massage is nice, isn't it? Oh, that's good. Yeah. It is good. I haven't had one of them for a while.

I know one more don't do that. I used to have one in Adelaide, but they do a 30-minute head massage first. Right. As part of the service. Well, how do you justify the head massage? It's not like your hair has to be in the mood to be cut, though. It's not relaxing your follicles, is it? I get that it's not crucial to the act of hair cutting,

but I just find it's good customer service. It makes me feel good. Sure. I find it slightly weird when that happens because I go, hang on, were you trained in hair cutting or massage? Because I think they're two different skills. I reckon you're just having a bit of a crack. It's like my barista gives me a hand job as well.

It doesn't necessarily change the taste of the coffee but it's just nice. It's just a nice touch. But you could look at it that way. The haircut is just

the happy ending at the end of the head massage. They're like massaging your head. They're like, what do you say about a little bit more? You know what I'm saying?

50 bucks. It's a bit too much head on both of these. It must be. We should point out that Laddie is definitely wearing noise-cancelling headphones. You can probably hear him laughing and making noises in the background like he's responding to my

barista handjob jokes. That's all off Peppa Pig. This has nothing to do with us. He's listening to Come Town on the headphones. Somehow better than this. Here we go. I'm just opening some Sultanas for him. There you go, legend. Hell yeah. You're right. He's listening to Come Town on the headphones. Somehow better than this. Here we go. I'm just opening some Sultanas for him.

There you go, legend. Hell yeah. You're right. No, you're right with the advice. I literally got a phone call from a friend of the show, Nick Cody, last night, out of the blue. Just goes, well, yeah, I know everything's coming up, so I've signed up for some parenting courses. What? There's got to be a I've signed up for some parenting courses. What? There's got to be a nice present for you, this parenting course.

I'm like, what do you think I've been doing? Do you expect I know nothing about any of this? I mean, he was absolutely right. Yes, I was going to say. I do think it's a little bit presumptuous. Nobody really knows anything going in. But everyone, when I say everyone, people like us, we work it out. We don't just let a human baby lie crying in the middle of the room,

staring and looking at it going, what the fuck did we do? You work it out. And usually they're crying at a start. It means they're tired, they're hungry, or they need a shift. Or they're forced to go to one of Dad's podcasts. There are three or four reasons why kids will cry initially. And then you just work it out. But the only advice I give is everything's a phase.

Whether they're sleeping, it's a phase. They'll start not sleeping. If they're not sleeping, they'll start sleeping eventually. Everything's a phase. Right know, whether they're sleeping, it's a phase. You know, they'll start not sleeping. If they're not sleeping, they'll start sleeping eventually. Everything's a phase. Right. They'll work it out. And they will work it out.

If it's good, it's a phase. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If it's bad, it's a phase. Nothing's consistent for the first, you know, particularly the first year or so.

Right, okay. And the cost is the other. His pram, and this is absolutely true, costs more than my first car. Right. And that's, my first car was very cheap.

I was going to say, I was hoping your first wasn't an Audi because that would be a good pram. No, it was a Toyota Corolla, like a 1982 Toyota Corolla

or something, but it cost me $1,000. His pram cost more than that. Right. In fact, his pram was way more luxurious than my first car. And it's out dated within weeks as well.

I was going to say, that would be the worst thing I imagine. Spending all this money on stuff that is outgrown within a month. Yeah, 100%. And then Kel wanted to hang on to it all, all the clothes, because they're so cute. Like baby clothes, you'll find yourself walking through a kid's store. So Kel and I store because everything's so cute

where you just pick up little booties and look at each other and go I was going to Batman thing oh it's a Rolling Stones

t-shirt before we were even planning I bought miniature Liverpool shirts and shorts in Thailand years ago

just because I was like they look good and I could lose some weight maybe. I could eventually get into these. Yeah, exactly. I've got here,

he's got a Chelsea top with his name on the back. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, the name on the back. The name on the back. Which I don't know why AFL clubs don't do that

but you go to the Chelsea shop, you just type it in and they put the name on the shirt and then they post it out to you. Yeah. Yeah. Speaking of advice, yeah, you do get a lot of unsolicited advice but it's all been good because you know i probably need as much as i can but one bit i got the other day was look don't nazim hassan said to me don't buy all that stuff don't go through those stores and buy

a lot of stuff because people tell you you need it or you think you need it and you grab all that stuff and you come home and you never ever use it. Like the bloody change table and I literally walked in the door an hour later and my wife went, guess what I bought today? Change table.

She bought like three. We got a room full of crap that I'm like, we are not going to touch. We have three change tables. Yeah. Just in case. It's good to have two.

We've used a change table every day since we had it. Oh, really? Well, where, I don't know, where else do you change it? Well, I don't know where else you change it. You change it on the table. Zeme's just doing it in the backyard or something.

Yeah, it's letting his kid run free. Yeah. Interesting. Or he's not changing him. He's got the same nappy on. Maybe he's got a halal change table or something. I don't know. It's different rules.

But I reckon a change table is probably up there with one of the things you probably need. Oh, really? Okay. I think you'll get some use out of a change table is probably up there with one of the things you probably need. Oh, really? Okay. I think, you'll get some use out of a change table. So he's just changing his kid on the dining room table

shit all over the joint as he's... Yeah. You painted a hell of a picture. Right. Yeah. Well, that's how Waleed did it, so...

Right. That's how you get it. I mean, technically, you could use any surface, obviously. Yeah. If you've got, like, a bit of a cushiony type thing, you can get those separately.

Well, that's the advice I need because literally I'm just taking advice off one person at a time and taking it as fact. So because of Nazeem, I was like, you don't get a fucking change table until now where I'm talking to other adults. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, fuck, of course. Change tables are crucial. Yeah.

Because also, you're changing them, you know, and there is shit involved and sometimes you get shat on. So do you want that happening on your dining table? Probably not. It's got a good wipe down, you know, a little cushioned surface. Yeah, and it can't happen here on the pristine podcasting table. Yes. No.

Enough shit goes on there. I can't wait for you to have this kid and then the next person that we know to announce that they're having a kid and then you be in this position. The Carl Chandler expert speech where he's done something for a month and now he knows all exactly how it works.

That will be fascinating to see. I'll put it out there, I don't reckon I'll be that guy. I don't think... There's not that many things I think I'm comprehensively in charge of, but I would say that I will not be across this. Yeah, I disagree.

Okay, all right, all right. Well, I'm happy to be proven wrong. It's getting closer and closer. Yeah, how are you feeling? You've been a little party boy lately. You've been living up these last few free hours. Multiple group texts at like 6pm on a Tuesday night being like, does anyone want to go get a beer?

And it's happening tonight. Yeah, he's just realising free time is about to go out the window. It's happening tonight because we were talking the other day and saying, I don't know if this is a thing, is there male baby showers? Is that a thing? There's male showers. And there are male babies. None of our listeners would be

familiar with the male shower though. Some of our guests wouldn't know. We had a baby shower but that was all in. Right, that was everything. That was girls, friends, everyone came to the baby shower. Also, what the plan is tonight is a male baby shower, except with no presents. So what that means is just a bunch of guys having a drink and a barbecue.

So where is it? Is it like a yeah so where is it a plot like a house or is it a pub this house is it okay later on today we're just just a few of us going to so i've uh and my wife was fully up for it because she's thinking her theory is at the moment she keeps telling me go out and get drunk tonight go and get drunk like nearly every night she's trying to get me out of the house and go and get drunk because I think she thinks. She's having an affair, obviously. No time like the present.

Get a hotel room. Let's go. Who would suspect she's starting an affair now? You're not going to have time to cheat on your husband once that baby comes. Let me tell you that. Well, to be fair, so she's done it for tonight. I'm like,

okay, I'll do it tonight. So in return, I've just bought her a hotel room for tonight. So this is, fuck, these other guys getting an easy run of it. I'm fucking setting him up.

Go on your bill. Good luck. Best $57 you've ever spent. No, well, no, not $57. I, I went, okay, you know what?

She suggested this and I was like, oh, well, you don't want to be anywhere near this if we're having a barbecue and we're having drinks and you don't want to be around my friends when they're sober

let alone drunk. So how about, and it's hot. It's hot. Thanks a lot. Well, because she's pregnant, I guess this is a normal thing, but she's heating up a lot.

It's hot weather at the moment. I'm like, you know what? I'll get you a hotel. You go and just get the air con, crank that, be in a nice hotel room for the night. I don't have to worry about any of these yahoos around here. And so I go to book it in. I've booked it in.

And I go, look at this. I found this great place in the city. And she's like, nah, not for me. I'm like, what do you mean it's four star? Why didn't you get me a five star? So now I've had to book her a five star hotel. Wow. Where have you booked her in?

In the city. I won't. Oh, you're not going to reveal the... Why? It's tonight. This is going up after she's been there. I don't want to give them a free plug. Fuck them.

I've already just given them over 200 bucks. It's Formula One. In Tullamarine, which is basically the CBD. I don't want to give them a free plug. Fuck them. I've already just given them over 200 bucks. It's Formula One. IntelliMarine, which is basically the CBD. Fuck Caravan Park. It is the nicest Ibis in the city. What's wrong with Ibis? You'll be in a dorm. You'll meet some other people.

They might be able to help with birthing advice. It'll be great. You know how there's Uber share? This is Ibbershare. This is even worse than paying top dollar for this fucking hotel room. It's being roasted for not paying top dollar for it. Just cover the mic and tell us what it is. It's, fuck, I can't even remember the name of it.

Oh, there you go. It's in Collins Street. It's that really nice one in Collins Street. Okay. That big one. Oh, yeah, sure. McDonald's. What? McDonald's. Sorry. Okay. The big one. Oh, yeah, sure. McDonald's. What?

McDonald's. No, no, no. That's more of a bed and breakfast. Yeah, so. Because she's a real creature comfort. So she's just going to get in there, in-house movies and whatever, and just be in the city and just hang out in a nice room. She's a snob.

She's a snob is what it is. Will she hit the day spa? Oh, yeah. Yeah, totally. That's good.ob. She's a snob is what it is. Will she hit the day spa? Oh, yeah. Yeah, totally. That's good. She loves all of it. It's a genuine mystery to me of how she is so snobby and only wants the high life that she's ended up with me.

Honestly. You're not the only one carrying that mystery car. We're all curious. I mean, you've been together a while. It seems like you were maybe just a, you know, fill in the blanks, like, you know, get a bit of experience and then something else will come along after this. And then she got won over by you and, you know, here we are. Just slowly turned into Stockholm Syndrome and that was it.

Yeah. I'm getting older. I've got to make some mistakes before I settle down with the one. Do you know, sorry if you've discussed this on the podcast already, but do you know the sex of the child? No, but we're hoping for a girl because we don't have any boy names. Well, there are options. There are boy names. There's a lot of open micers I don't like,

so I can't use any of them. So, yeah. So we really... So Dilrook, not an option. We're down to Husey and... Husey Chandler. Rossi. Hughsey Pakola Chandler is what we've gone with.

That's fine. Now, that would be, like, beyond a joke, that would be amazing as a first name. Husey. Husey is a first name. It's good. It sounds good. Imagine that and then not getting on Husey, we have a problem. Fuck.

What a waste. What an absolute waste. Yeah. But, yeah, convincing your wife to name a kid purely for the purpose of you being able to get on a TV show. Here's the current pitch. Here's the idea that I haven't brought up to her yet. Oh, great. Right.

So, you know, I'm pretty much like, I'm going to let her go free reign of the first name. So she's got some names in mind and I'm like, they all sound great. Okay. Middle name is where I get in. Right. Middle name that I'm yet to pitch,

Samui. What do you think? Sam in. Right. Middle name that I'm yet to pitch. Samui. What do you think? Samui. Yeah. After my favourite Thai island. Do you reckon I'd be regretful? Oh, that's what it's about. So you want to give your son a middle name

after an island that's mostly famous for happy endings. Or daughter. I don't think that's a predominantly male name. Happy endings and mushroom shakes yeah yeah yeah if it's a girl

it's not a weird name if it's a guy it's definitely a weird name it could be worse it could be Lahore if you're from Pakistan that would be

that would be worse Lahore Hobart I feel like did someone do a ho oh no it was Ho FM

Ho Ways Was it Ho Ways Was it Adam Rosenberg's joke Mel Ways Ho Ways Yeah Samui is a middle name

I mean it's very dependent On what the first name is But I mean If the first name's Go That's great Or Joe It was Joe Samui Joe Samui

Joe Samui Joe Samui. Joe Samui Chandler. Joe Samui. That just sounds like a Tongan rugby player, doesn't it? Joe Samui. Oh, yeah. Fuck. I think what is a fair thing to do as a parent is give it a middle name that could be a first name so that it's got options.

Because my mum goes by her middle name because she just doesn't like her first name. Right. Because my mum named her after her. So she has the same first name as her mum. Right. So she gets a bit older and goes, fuck this, as if you want to have the same name as your mum. So just decides that she's going to go by the middle name instead. Right, right.

So what was her first name? What's her middle name that she goes by? Her middle name's Jane. Right. What's her first name? Elizabeth. And she doesn't go by Elizabeth? No.

That's quite a nice name. It's fine, but it fits your mum's name. Yeah, you get a teenager and you want to have independence from your parents. Right. I get it. So we've been going through names and then going through the options of just talking about family names, your traditional family names. I don't know if either of you guys thought about that.

My nephew, no, sorry, my niece had a baby on the weekend and she called, what was the, might have been Laura or something, the first name, but she gave the middle name. Obviously close. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd look it up, but the little fella's got my phone watching Madagascar. But the middle name, she gave my mum's name, which is Genevieve. Right. Which is a really old school name.

Right. So it's like Laura Genevieve McConnell is her surname now. Yes. So that's always an option to get like a grandparent's first name. We've never gone the family angle. I did pitch to my wife because my wife's maiden name is Murphy. She's Irish heritage. And I pitched it that Oscar, our last son,

his middle name could have been Murphy. Right. Oscar Murphy Hellier. That would have been, I don't mind that. No, and I was happy with it. She didn't go for it, whatever reason, so it ended up Oscar James. Well, I've been rejected as well.

I had a family name, ready to go, but my wife said no to the name of Grandad. There's a strict no trying gear policy on this podcast sorry sorry that's not gear I just popped up no but lead me into this

nice joke nice joke grandad what a great show there's a policy don't do jokes on our comedy podcast alright guys

it's not that sort of show nice to meet you shit cunt I'm dad no so my wife started It's not that sort of show. Nice to meet you, shit cunt. I'm dad. No, so my wife started saying family names and whatever, but they're all Italian and it's sort of like, it's just, I'm just going to cop too much shit if I've got my son Giuseppe Chandler, anything like that.

I just cannot use something like that. Can you please call him Giuseppe Chandler? No, I can't. I can't do it if it's italian and it's got to be like rich italian heritage uh joe dasolo chandler oh you know one of the great italian surnames joe samui dasolo this is taking shape yeah so i i then went to i was talking to mom about the you know, my side of family instead. And I was like, oh, yeah, so what are all of our family names and whatever?

Like, what was my granddad's? Like, I knew he had a bunch of names. And she's like, oh, if you want any of those names, like, my granddad on my dad's side name was Ivan Redrop Chandler. Redrop. And I was like, fuck. And I go, hang on a minute. I don't remember anyone ever calling my granddad Ivan or Redrop. Wasn't his name something else?

And mum's like, yeah, well, you know, everyone called him Dick. And I was like, yeah, yeah, I thought his name was Dick. And she's like, no, no, it was Ivan Redrop. And I'm like, where'd they get Dick from? He was just a magic dick. I think that was the answer. Awesome. That's the abbreviation for Richard, not Ivan or Redrup.

You need to invent a name that the abbreviation can be Seabomb, you know, just in case, you know, we don't know how this thing's going to pan out. Yeah, Penelocunt. Yeah, if it's a girl. What a swimmer, Emily Seabom has the best name. Yeah, yeah. Seabom. I mean, when you're Australian and you get into this stuff of like family and heritage,

I mean, they're just, you know, we're not a culture that really has much of that. You know, it's like Greeks and stuff. If you don't name the kid after the grandparent, it's like that's immediate disownership. It would be nice to have a culture that's got that kind of... Which is why we still meet people called Zeus. Yeah. That's not a bad name. Yeah, that's good.

Down, down, down, down. That's really good. See, Kel and I chose a name each. Right. And then because she's the mum, she got the first name and I got the middle name. Oh, what did you get? What's the middle name?

But they're both kind of funky names. So probably it would have been smarter to go Laddie and then give him like a normal, like John or James or something like that. I need to know. Here we go. So Laddie's the normal name. No, Laddie's the kind of funky one. Cyril?

Cyril, yeah, yeah. But I wanted to call him Buster. So now he's Laddie Buster. Oh, that's cool. Buster's his middle name, but I wanted Buster as his first. Sounds like a boxer, like Laddie Buster. Laddie Buster. They are both very street urchin, early 20th century names.

Hey, at least you know he'll have a job as a chimney sweep. Yeah, yeah. And he'll never work in a boardroom. Sorry? Laddie. He's locked and loaded, ready to go for a pretty cool nickname when he's like 18, 19. You don't need a nickname.

He's got two nicknames at home. That's what I mean. The Lady Buster. Here we go. Lady Buster. His nickname's going to be Steve. Or Dick. Or Dick.

That is a great nickname, Steve. Apparently, how pissed off would you be? We went to this effort, we gave you two cool names and your mates are calling you Steve. This is bullshit. This is fun.

This should be a new policy. You have to bring a child on the podcast that we can roast their future self for the whole episode. He's loving it. That's so good that you have such a catchy name that someone has to sit you down and go, no, no, no, that's too cool.

You have to be called Simon now. That's what we did. I've probably talked about this before, but we worked in a factory in England for three months and this guy that we worked with, he goes, his name was, I don't even know what his name was, but we go, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, he goes, his name was, I don't even know what his name was, but we go, we go, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

that's not your name. Your name's Steve. And he's like, no, it's not. And we go, no, it is. And then we got the entire, we go,

you just look, he goes, my name's Paul. And we go, no, no, you look like a Steve. And so we made the entire factory call him Steve from then on. And then we went back to his house and we got his parents calling him that from then on. And then we went back to his house

and we got his parents calling him that from then on. So at the end, when we left the factory, we were like blow-ins. We got into this factory, worked there for three months and when we left, everyone was calling him by the wrong name. Had he accepted it? What could you do? Yeah.

Yeah. Good on you, Steve. Steve's far out. So he was bullied by everyone. Yeah, the Australians came in and took over and then turned everyone else into Australians. Yeah, yeah, you're right. I tried to do a soft rebrand in like year 10.

I tried to start going by my middle name. Oh, really? Yeah. And then, well, look, you rebranded about a year after that. Yeah, it didn't take. And then I was like near the end of school. I was like, you know what? It's like when you're at school, it's just up to your friends.

You can go, I want this to be the nickname. But if they don't run with it, then it's just never going to happen. Right. So what was your soft rebrand? So you went from Thomas Allsop to? My middle name's Howard. And I thought, I'm going to try and get this going. Howie.

I'm going to try and get Howie going. Howard the Duck was a big success. He thought, let's capitalize to try and get this going. Howie. I'm going to try and get Howie going. Howard the Duck was a big success. He thought, let's capitalize on this. On the buzz. Sounds like about as big a success. So how did you manage the software rebrand? I started this. I mean, this is a huge move.

I just started when you would hand in a bit of work, like an assignment, I'd just sign myself off, Howie Alsop, and then my teachers started going... In pencil? Just in pencil? Backwards S. And it's like, well, it's a fail. He couldn't even fucking get his name right.

Howie Alsop isn't in this class. There was a guy the yearstrup isn't in this class I'm not There was a guy the year above me Who actually did that He had the His name was His first name started with C And his last name was Ryan And he had the nickname Cran

Because he'd written that At the top of an assignment He'd spelt his own last name wrong C.Ran How do you get a nickname That's not Crian Crian That makes perfect sense

What's wrong with your school To be fair Spelling your own last name wrong Is funnier Cran Crying. That makes perfect sense. What's wrong with your school? To be fair, spelling your own last name wrong is funnier. Cran. Cran sounds better. But yeah, so that didn't really take. So you put Howie at the top of your assignment. Yeah.

And so you were just trying to get a new name from your teachers? Because your schoolmates aren't reading your assignment. Well, I was like, it's got to start somewhere. Right, right, right. And you thought if the teacher starts saying it, they're the coolest in the school. And the teacher will say, whose is this? And I'll go, me. And then everyone will get the message.

It's mine, Howie's. Yeah, exactly. Okay. I had a big H written in texture on my forehead just to really get the whole branding across. Oh, look at Honda over here. E-Honda. But then it didn't take.

It didn't really stick. And then I was talking to a friend once, and we were talking about what we liked at Subway. And I was like, you know what's good is the meatball sub. I love the meatball. And my friend goes, that's your nickname now, meatball. And so then much to my infuriation that just, you know, because you can't decide your own nickname.

So then, yeah, it was just Meatball for the last, like, and then I left that school. Right. Dodged a bullet there. Man, that is, I'm happy to call you Howie from now on if that helps. Yeah, I can Harry kind of works. Howie. Howie's not bad.

Howie's terrible, but if you want it, I'll give it. I'd be fine with Meatball now. Right. Weirdly enough. Right. You know. Meatball. of works. Howie. Howie's not bad. Howie's terrible, but if you want it, I'll give it. I'd be fine with Meatball now, weirdly enough. Right. You know? Meatball, that's all. Meatball, that's all. That sounds almost racist, to be honest. That's got twice as Italian as what it was.

Maybe that's what put Dassolo in my head. It's like I thought it felt really bad to be called Meatball, but something was working behind the scenes in my brain. That is Italian blackface. That's what that is. Thomas Alsop to Meatball Dassolo. It's a marinara face. That was like a wrestling name, isn't it?

Meatball Dassolo. Meatball Dassolo. I've got to lean in. I'm happy to be Meatball. What would you rather call me, Howie or Meatball? Oh, Meatball. Meatball? Howie's just too hard to say.

Howie. Howie's pretty close to Tommy. It's not that big a leap. Yeah. I had a housemate try to force. Now, from what I believe is that, you know that thing where you get out of high school and it's a thing like you're talking about and you want to rebrand. You've gone through, you know what, you get out of high school and it's it's a thing like you're talking about and you want to rebrand you've you've gone through you know what you get caught uh in the toilet

jacking off into a milk carton once and all of a sudden it's like it's oh look at all fucking one percent fat over here so this is not a personal experience this sounds like a detailed story already to be honest it really does even near the fat content in the cart. That's just an amazing story. I came out with out of the blue but. Yeah.

Lady's been drinking milk out of your fridge. Are you concerned about this at all? Fucking hell. Hey. There's a line in the sand.

Take those headphones on son. That takes Kieran Perkins' work to the next level. Put another pair of headphones on that thing.

So I think that's a thing. I think that's a thing where you come out of high school and you just go, all right, all right, I may have copped all this and I've had that nickname or people have thought of me this way. I'm going to go to uni. It's going to be all different from now on in. We had a guy, I had a guy that I moved in with at uni. And from what I believe believe i get in and

this guy's like oh my name's cat you know i'm really into i'm a ninja i'm really into martial arts okay all right and he had a headband on and it's like of course he's a ninja then yeah red flags everywhere yeah all that stuff and then i found out then he moved one of his mates in about you know six months later or he moved a high school mate of his in and I'm like oh cool you're a mate of Kat's

and he's like do you call him Kat like oh this guy's giving himself his own nickname or whatever and it's like it ends up

this guy's name and look fair in a way his name his actual name is Dwayne Primmer alright well that's you've got to change it to something, man.

Don't you? Like, that's sort of fair enough. Where does a ninja... Like, how did he kind of, besides the headband, how did he kind of, you know... Display his ninjaness? Yes. Yeah, I think that...

Well, I think... Either... Obviously, you never saw it, which means he could have been actually really good at being a ninja. Right. It's a whole covert thing. Well, someone trying to get you to call them by their nickname, having just met you, is

too much, I reckon. It's a thing for friends. Yes. It's a thing of familiarity. Well, I always introduce myself as a limo. Yeah. I don't know. So people often feel awkward.

They go, oh, do i call you limo yeah i can't imagine you even i hear anthony i feel weird about it yeah yeah i had a rebrand halfway through high school right so my when i lived in the country my nickname worst nickname ever given to me by my three glorious older brothers was turd gets right to the point i love it yeah yeah because apparently i was a little shit which is a turd like a sheep turd right so but everyone you got rid of that just before they introed you on the project for the first time but everyone called me that right so not just at school, kids. Like teachers would call me that.

Wow. Older teachers. Brutal. I'm not even joking. Did you have to lean into it? Did you have to own it and start writing turd on the top of your assignment? I didn't write turd on assignment. But I just accepted it.

I was like, yeah, my mum fucking hated it. So she berated anyone. So people just knew not to say it when she was around. But if she wasn't around... Because, I mean, that's clearly your confirmation name, not your actual first name. So then I go to boarding school. Thank God I knew no one at boarding school.

So this was a chance to start fresh. So then I became Limo. Wow. Boarding school were nicer to start fresh. So then I became Limo. Wow. Boarding school were nicer to you. Yeah. Yes. Fuck. Than my family.

So then when I eventually took mates home, I had to try and shield them, but I couldn't because everyone called me that. So they'd be like, just your turn. Oh, your turn. What are they calling you? Do you still get it? Oh yeah, if I go home,

there's still a couple of people who will say it. And I'm like, see, I'm deep. Turd's on the TV! I bet that line has been said more than once. Look at the little turd on TV. They've just got their own little cardboard cutout over the TV that can block out the thing when your name comes out.

Put their own super up. Yeah. I just remember the guy that I live with his name was Cat. I just remembered that he was telling us his name was Cat

but it was a nickname off another name that he'd already given himself as well. So he called himself Kujo which I think is like Japanese for cat. Kujo,

well it's a Stephen King. Isn't Cujo the horror film is a Stephen King story? Yeah, yeah. Someone is going to be, people are going to be listening to this screaming at me, but whatever Japanese for cat is, that was his name. And then... Kato, I think.

Just do it with the voice, Carl. No? Meatballs? Can you do it with the voice No, meatballs Can you do it with the voice? It's one meatball It's singular, it's not plural My bad, that was very bad Yeah, fuck off, turds Meatballs is his sister

Big pile of turds Or whatever your name was A bit of respect for his made up Italian heritage A big pile of turds or whatever your nickname was. A bit of respect for his made-up Italian heritage. Japanese for cat. What is it? So I live with this guy. His name was Cat, which was shortened from Kujo,

whatever Japanese for cat is. So he had a nickname out of the name he already made up for himself. And then his real name was Dwayne Primer. And so this was a guy that I moved in with. And then because he moved his housemate in with, then his housemate got really sick of... There you go. Nico. There you go.

Sorry. Nico, yeah. Nico. That was his name. That was close. Nico Cujo. Yeah. Yeah.

Close. Sort of close. Then his housemate got really sick of him and then concocted a new plan where we were to kick him out of our house. And so what... He threw a ball of yarn outside? So what we did to him was we said we were moving out

and then he went, okay, I better move out as well. And then we just didn't move out and he got all these bags packed. And then as he was moving out, we go, we're not moving out anymore. And then he went okay i better move out as well and then we just didn't move out and he got all these bags packed and then as he was moving out we go we're not moving out anymore and then he went okay so i'm just i could probably stay back here we don't know we already got a new house one of the few things i still feel bad about me and my ex did that to a couple that we lived with and it's but we really wanted to get rid of them. And you feel guilty, but, I mean, it's the con of the century.

So it's kind of also masked by a bit of like, I can't believe we pulled this off. I can't believe this actually worked. Along similar lines, not exactly the same, but similar lines, I had a mate of mine once called the police to a party at his own house because he wanted everyone to leave. But it was his party at his house and he couldn't get people out, so mine once called the police to a party at his own house because he wanted everyone to leave. Yeah. But it was his party at his house and he couldn't get people out,

so he just called the cops. Right. Said, this party's out of control. You've got to come break it up. Yeah, great. That's a great security. That's a smart one. Security guards without hiring security guards.

We had a girl move into a house I was living in once who introduced herself as Lentil, her nickname, and then I just kept calling her by her first name and she was like, but, you know, it's Lentil. Friends herself as Lentil, her nickname. And then I just kept calling her by her first name. And she was like, but, you know, it's Lentil. Friends call me Lentil. And I was like, well, I mean, we'll get there eventually. You know, this is a new relationship. I'm going to use the first name until I'm comfortable here.

And I never got to that point. And then she moved out. I wonder what Lentil's up to today. Yeah. She's very successful. She's written a cookbook. Oh. And owns a restaurant. Lentil's up to today. Yeah. She's very successful. She's written a cookbook. Oh. And owns a restaurant, Lentil is anything.

Is she calling herself Lentil? Yeah. Okay, so there couldn't be too many celebrity chefs. Yeah. And they're called Lentil. Go look it up. Is she a celebrity chef? No, she's written two cookbooks with her husband

that are all about growing your own food and everything. Anyone want to have a crack at the husband's name? Noodles? Sure. So, yeah, look, as we're recording this pod, I think we're two weeks out from the birth. I'll give you another bit of advice, if you like, then. The kids, as you will have noticed, Pete, soak up everything you do.

And you see them, you'll come to a day where they mimic something you do and it'll just shock the shit out of you. Right. But what I've had recently at daycare with this young fella is just about two weeks ago, I walked into daycare and one of the educators, as they call them at daycare now, says...

Yeah, there's more coming, mate. Three Madagascars. There is three Madagascars. He's on the third one now. Here it comes, mate. He's getting bored by the opening credits, is what's happening. What's about to happen now, he's being quite quiet and now he's... There's just a little bit of restlessness creeping in

and I think you might Laddie might make more appearances on the next ten minutes of the podcast He's going to start shooting people He's a stormtrooper I'm also finding myself

extremely distracted by this child's cartoons movie that you're playing in front of me which is affecting my performance Behind the scenes we were going to record this

at Tommy's place we're now recording it at my place the shame was if it had been at Tommy's place this kid could have run it at my place. The shame was if it had been at Tommy's place, this kid could have run amok with all the fucking toys and video games that that guy's got.

Yeah, it would be like recording it in Toys R Us. Yeah, right. I think most of them would be a bit young for laddie, to be fair. I'm bribing him with cake right now. Yeah, he handed you a bit of cake that he had before and you started chewing it and I thought, is Limo about to feed his kid bird style on the podcast? That could be a real learning

experience for Chando. Yeah, now that's the best way to feed them. Chew it up in your own mouth and then spit it in, which is something that okay, Hollywood actress from the movie Clueless, she has written a parenting book,

and she shares a story of how she does that with her kid. Wow. Her son, whose name is Bear. I should have been called Bird. Yeah. Tips like that, is the book also called Clueless? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I bought the book as a companion piece to my festival show a couple of years ago

after having this little fella. Oh, right, right. Because that's what everyone's saying to me. Get ready, get ready, because you're going to have nothing but kid material. Yeah. I reckon everyone expects it to happen on day one almost. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it kind of doesn't.

And it just comes kind of gradually. And I think, to be honest honest when they're a little bit older they it gets a little bit interesting as opposed to absolute newborn yeah you know it's probably more about yourself your material is probably how you're feeling about the whole thing as opposed to you know because all babies are pretty much the same so it's pretty well worn territory then they get a bit older they start developing their own personalities and you have your own experiences that's i think I think, where it comes from. But I remember in the first six months going, geez, I thought I was going to get more material out of this.

You're right. I mean, my boys are 16, 14 and 10 now, so and they still give me stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But people are saying that to you, Chandler, but you do one-liners, so I don't quite know how that would work. Totally.

I'm looking around the room going, oh, what's up with sausage dogs and helium balloons and whatever. Like, I can't see how I'm going to turn into... No, you will. Of course you will. It'll be all object-based, so nothing about the actual kid. Gear about the pram and the cot. Yes.

Or you can have what I had at daycare with an educator when they walked in and said, Anthony, are you drinking beer in front of Laddie? I said, yeah, most probably. Is that a thing that you're – just heads up, is that a thing you're not allowed to do? Well, I mean, I personally think it's fine, but there are ads on TV saying –

Right. The one thing that we have done – we've certainly drunk in front of our kids plenty of times, obviously. The one thing that we have done, which I think has been a good thing which there are kind of ads about over the years

we've never allowed our kids to go fetch us a beer okay right and I think that's actually a really good thing right

right because I think there is something in in you know bringing your dad a beer

that you kind of is you look at the beer and it becomes an aspirational thing. Right. Where my oldest in touch with, he's 16 and he doesn't really... He may end up being a non-drinker, I suspect. Right. Potentially. Right. Does that make you sad?

Just for him and his wife? I'm sure a little bit. I mean, I'm probably wrong, but I think kids are actually sure a little bit. I'm probably wrong, but I think kids are actually drinking a little bit less than we used to. Right. They're soft these days. They're doing ice. Don't bring your kid ice, isn't it?

Get your own ice as well. But yeah, that's something that I tend to kind of... One bit of advice that I think has worked for us. That seems smart, yeah. I'd have to say, I remember it took me quite a while to really have much in the way of beers growing up because I reckon my earliest thought of dad-related stuff was I may have

very well gotten my dad a beer but to me it was like the worst thing in the world because I just even now my picture picture my head of my dad

just in a singlet with a big gut hanging out watching TV with a beer I'm like well I'm not that attracted to that idea

I'm not into beer whereas I have the opposite my dad doesn't really drink and that has not worked on me. Right. You just do the opposite. I think as a kid, not always, but a good 80% of your behavior is shaped on,

whoa, is shaped on just rebelling against what you see around you. It's like, this is what they're doing. So I'm just going to do the opposite. And there are so many different factors. I don't touch it. The friendship group you fall into and what your house is like. See, I grew up in a household where I remember I would have been 12 maybe when Dad would pour me a little beer at the dinner table.

Just a quick question. Is it possible to lock your kid outside? For the last five minutes, it's been leering towards the stop button on the recorder. The reviews are in, fellas. He's smarter than he looks. If I turn that barbecue on, he can play with it. He loves a barbie. Pete, go get him a beer.

He can get his own beer. He's not my kid. Hang on. He'll get us all a beer. not my kid hang on he'll get us all a beer my friend who's pregnant uh was talking the other day about um the whole thing of you know not you know not eating seafood and not you know having any alcohol or whatever and going like i don't know you don't need to be that strict with it you can still have you know one i'm still gonna have one or two here and there it's like you know our parents did that with us our parents generation did that when they were pregnant with us so it's

fine it's like yeah and look at us one of parents' generation did that when they were pregnant with us. So it's fine. It's like, yeah, and look at us. One of the most fucked generations that has ever lived. Like, don't go by that as the marker of whether or not it's damaging. Like, that should mean just stay away from everything. Just stay in a protective room forever for the whole nine months. I'm glad we've got this, like, little sneak preview of what it's going to be like doing the podcast in two years' time. Oh, yeah. You're going to have

one of these in every. It's just like, you know, Tommy, welcome to the show. Hey mates, and here he is,

Carl. Put that fucking down. I mean, g'day dickheads. But that's just at me before you've even gone to the kid. I'll just point out

the lady's actually taking the headphones off for a little while. Yeah, here we go. It's all kicking off. But you do have now. He's finished the silent disco there for an hour or so.

Have you, Pete, ever lost one of your kids? Because I was talking to a mate the other day, Des Dowling, a comic who we all know. He was with his daughter one day in a busy shopping centre and they walked, there were petitions for some reason through this busy walkway. And she was just the other side of the petition. Your kid's added about five grand's worth of stuff to your Amazon.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He knows how to work the phone. And he lost her for about three minutes. And he said it was the most stressful three minutes of his life. We lost one. Where the fuck is my daughter? We lost one about three years ago. And if anyone's seen him, please let us know.

No, we lost this at the beach. We were there actually at Point Leo. We were there on the weekend. So we were talking about it. And Oscar walked off into the dunes. And once you're in the sand dunes, you're kind of like, it's hard to hear. We're screaming out to him.

It's funny, you go from, oh, where is he? He must be around here somewhere, to a pedophile has him. Right. Really quickly. Right. It's a sickening feeling.

I remember when I was six or so, I went and saw E.T. in the city. And before the movie, I remember just spinning around. And then my parents were just gone. Right. And I was lost. Like outside the cinema. Outside the cinema, yeah. And I was just like, I could not see them.

I could not find them. And I was crying. Like outside the cinema. Outside the cinema, yeah. And I was just like, I could not see them. I could not find them. And I was crying. Trying to phone home. Trying to phone home. Wondering where my BMX wasn't flying. But in hindsight, I think what happened was I've spun around and then just faced the other way. Right.

I reckon that's all that's happened. You've got to count. You thought a 360 was a 180. Yeah. But do you remember being that age where you get a bit older and you just decide, okay, I'm independent now, and you're out with your parents, and to you it's not a big deal to just go for a walk.

Yeah. And your parents, when they find you, go insane. Yeah. Because they've been running around. And in your head, you don't get it. You're like, you knew you were fine. Yeah. Like, I remember being out with my nan and just losing her for like an hour and being

like, oh, this doesn't matter. I'll just find her when I find her. Yeah. And coming back and her going insane at me. Yeah. And just going, what's the big deal? And then getting a bit older and going like, oh, of course. Because there's...

One thing having kids will do is it'll make you want to apologize to your parents quite a bit. Yeah. And kind of go, okay, I your parents quite a bit. Yeah, yeah. And kind of go, okay, I get it now. Yeah. Sorry about that. I remember doing a thing as a kid where it's like – because you watch – you know, I was a big watcher of TV.

You'd watch every bloody sitcom there was. And I remember just seeing the American idea of like running away from home as a kid and me going, you know, not realising that kids were running away from home on TV shows because there was a reason. I was just like, oh, that looks cool. I'll just run away from home. So I was like saying to my parents, I'm running away from home. They're like, all right, we'll see you later.

And I'm taking off. And then like just going, literally going next door and sitting there for like a bunch of hours just going, oh, I'll go home at some stage. And then coming home and finding out mum that had freaked out, called the police, went crazy. And me going, where did you think I was going? I had two mint sliced biscuits in my suitcase.

I clearly wasn't going too far. Then going, well, we didn't know that. We didn't check your suitcase before you took off. I did that and had the opposite. I packed a suitcase and everything. I was like, I'm running away forever. And go out the front door, go down to the local park, and then was just like, ooh, now what?

Like, all in my head was like, you get to the park and then you just work it out from there. It's like, I don't quite know what I do now. Start calling yourself Meatball. It's the place where you can meet your local pedophile. Yeah, yeah. Down at the park. Find a milk carton.

Subway. You know, statistically, I heard this recently, because we freak out. Like, you never take your eyes off a kid, right, these days, as opposed to, you know, the glory days. Statistically, you can put your kid out on the street. You would have to leave them there for 300 years, statistically, for them to get kidnapped. Hang on. Who worked out these spots? for 300 years statistically for them to get kidnapped.

Hang on. Who worked out these stats? Someone started this survey before white man settled this country. And also it's like, what, one kid got kidnapped and they're like, well, that's one off the list. We weren't on a sample size to work with. But I was going to say the thing of me running away and then I was just like, well, it's getting dark, I guess. Just go home now, I guess.

And my parents just absolutely not caring. Like them knowing. They're like, yeah, yeah, look who's back. You know, we knew you'd come back. We knew you weren't going to fucking go anywhere. Not like Carl's parents. They were stressed. Yeah.

They thought he was going for good. I was pretty good at school back then. Yeah. Holding on to. Just if they could see you now. Yes. He's probably got my granddad dicks. And, Carl, I promise you I'll clean this mess up when we leave too.

Yeah, yeah. He's spilt brownie everywhere. Yeah. How does this make you feel? It's part of my bribery system. It's a euphemism. Yeah. You shuttle over the couch.

Yeah. Yeah, what are you going to be like in terms of, like, you know, snacks and all that kind of stuff? Like, well, you know, bribery and, like, the little things that you have to do to, like. Well, see, this is, I really haven't thought through, which is part of the reason why Nick Cody's offered me this parenting course, I guess.

See, what do you think of this picture? I've got a two-year-old here. He's got a screen, headphones, and he's eating chocolate. Yeah. Now, a lot of parents would look at this and go, that's a few red flags here. Yes, but I'm... Some bad-mouthing red flags.

No, but those parents are... Yeah, I'm watching it going, you're just doing what you can to keep this thing distracted while we're trying to do a job. So you've just got to do whatever, I guess. I mean, he was swiping very hard and very – he really knew what he was doing on that phone before. That freaks me out.

My friend's kids who are just – Oh, yeah. Know how to close apps and go in, get on the app store and download stuff and they're like three. Yeah. That is mind-blowing. My 10-year-old shops internationally. Yeah, right.

He doesn't – he still has to kind of come to us and say, can I buy this? And he'll watch your credit card number. But he doesn't usually get it, but he will browse. Are your kids at the age, Pete, where you're now turning to them for tech advice? Oh, absolutely. It's been happening for years.

Yeah, right. All right. I'm going to say full credit to you, Limo, for letting a kid have free access of your phone. Now, that is... It's a kid have free access of your phone. Now, that is... It's a risk. Don't go near daddy's screenshots. Not photos, not photos.

Not the clown. Why wasn't I invited to that shower with mummy? I'd love it if you just now, Chandler, start cranking them out. And, you know, cut to us just doing this pod with like eight children running around. You're adopting as well. Is there a game plan? There's a succession plan in place. But what did happen, I think we said something the other day like, you know, vaguely like,

oh, yeah, well, this will be good and whatever. And then my wife was like, oh, yeah. And then, you know, the next one. And I was like, oh, we've never used that phrase before. That's not a thing we've ever said out loud. Have more than one, for God's sakes. It's hell. It's fucking hell on earth.

Don't say that because we're only having one. Yeah, well, look. Wrong. The thing is, yeah, look, I'm not busting to go through this again. But you won't know until once. But I also am scared of having an only child. No offence, Tommy. Yeah.

Well, you should be. All you cop is people like you going, oh, only child. And it's like a thing I'm absolutely not in control of. Like, oh, classic. No one goes, yeah, oh, only child. And it's like a thing I'm absolutely not in control of. Like, oh, classic. No one goes, yeah, classic someone with siblings. It's like, it is a fucking shit, lonely existence. No offense, mum and dad, if you're listening. Oh, poor meatball.

Poor solitary meatball. Who serves up a single meatball? Poor mum and meatball got really sick after the first batch and had to retire the recipe. You really are a shit meal, aren't you? It insinuates an entree, which means there's something more coming. Instead of an Italian name, you could have a French name, entree. Yeah, I could have had an older sibling, you know, big old parmigiana.

Could have had a younger sibling. What's below a meatball on the food, on the snack chain? Just garlic bread or something? Appetite? What are they called in Italian? What are they called? The cold cuts that you get as the entree? Meatball's high in the entrees for me. Meatball's

like number one, I reckon. Olives. Olives. Olives, yeah. Olives. Olives, there you go. Little daughter Olive. Little sister Olive.

Yeah. Yeah, that's not bad. Olive's a cool name. Olive? Olive, yeah. I think you need to get on Sims again, mate, and create this perfect family for yourself. Yeah.

We've got to the point where your kid's trying to drink out of the wrong end of a bottle. Proof, this podcast actively makes you dumber. It was able to use an iPhone before and it's just regressed. For those concerned, it's a light beer though. He's now slinging poo at the television. I don't have to wrap this up. Your kid is going to wreck my house.

He's got a stormtrooper there that he loves. You know what he does at the moment? He says Because his mum, not me Is a massive Star Wars fan So he's got loads of all the Star Wars toys In the bath So he knows all the Star Wars characters now

And when he says Darth Vader Can you say Darth Vader No he won't But he goes Darth Vader But he says it really randomly so we'll be out

somewhere just out of nowhere he'll go Darth Vader and this is how much like Cal so Cal for those who don't know

was a guest producer on the project and I've known Cal for many years and booked Lemo in more than one way very thorough booker and I've known Kel for many years. And booked Lemo in more than one way. Very thorough booker.

She's a massive Star Wars fan. And years ago when The Force Awakens came out, Harrison Ford was flying in to do some interviews. And I'm a massive Star Wars fan, so I got asked to do the interview. But I was going on a family holiday to Hawaii, so I just said, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I can't do the Harrison Ford interview.

And I just said, let's get Lima to do it. And her face just dropped, and this went, he's never seen Star Wars. And I go, what? And I was like, well, we had this panel of people on the project

who had nobody had seen Star Wars. So I sussed out, Freddie Flintoff was doing stuff with this. I texted him, I said, are you a Star Wars fan by any chance? He goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, I like it. So Freddie Flintoff ended up interviewing Harrison Ford. Which actually was quite good in the end.

I hear he's notoriously difficult, Harrison Ford, in interviews. I don't know what he was like with Freddie. I think he's very dry. I think it came up well, I think. We had him on Rove Live. I think he's very dry. I think it came up well, I think. We had him on Rove Live years ago and he was very dry

but we quite liked him. We didn't find him difficult. We just thought, you know, he's Harrison Ford. He's Indiana Jones. He's had to talk about the same thing for 40 years.

Yeah, that's it. People have stopped asking about regarding Henry. Who's been your biggest wow factor interview? Like, getting someone from Star Wars would have been pretty cool. Yeah, Who's been your biggest Who's your biggest Wow factor Interview Like getting someone From Star Wars

Would have been pretty cool Yeah I went to Tokyo To interview Mark Hamill For The Last Jedi And ended up interviewing Rian Johnson as well That was pretty cool

Before the Are you going to steal This kid's toy off him I've got my eye I've got my eye on it I have my My nan bought me One a similar size

For Christmas one year But she bought me The Battlest size for Christmas one year but she bought me the Battlestar Galactica. Fucking Star Wars, man! I keep thinking about it. I was pissed off in the way only like a 10-year-old

could be pissed off at their nan for buying the wrong non-Star Wars gift. I was thinking about that the other day being that thing where when you're a kid

and your parent buys you the slightly the wrong thing and I was like, fuck, that's right. I've got to remember to not do that because you the slightly the wrong thing and I was like fuck that's right I've got to remember to not do that because I'm definitely

the age now where I'm like it's all the same I don't care about that Nate Balbo does a really funny bit that I love about complaining about there being

no food in the house and just I won't try to do it but it reminds me of that just give us a funny bit so it'll be good I'll just give a plug on Nate Balbo's funny guy.

Yeah, I keep thinking about this, Chando, like the day that your kid comes to you and is like, Dad, I love Star Wars, and you being like an old school parent in the 60s of like, you get out of this house. No, son of mine. Go and kick the stormtrooper around the park. I got in trouble actually for showing Liam when he was quite young,

about three or four. I showed him E.T. And he had seen Star Wars before, so I thought he was going to be fine, but it completely freaked him out. I'm not sure why that one. Well, I think because E.T., for a period of time in that movie, is in Elliot's closet. And every bedroom, they have a closet.

So it's just that feeling like the monster in the closet kind of thing. And so he, up until like for years and years, even up until he was 10, 11, 12, I remember seeing, we went and saw, I picked him up from school, we went and saw the J.J. Abrams movie. Yeah, there's a train of kids involved. the J.J. Abrams movie. Sixth Sense? Oh, no, that was... It's gone from my mind. But we went and saw that,

and we had some time to kill, so we went... Interstellar. No, what's the... No, J.J. Abrams, not Nolan. The... It wasn't 8mm. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Eight and a half weeks.

We went to Kmart to get another DVD that I wanted to pick up, and he literally just saw E.T. and he kind of freaked out. Wow. He actually said to me going through that movie, he said, is the alien like an octopus-type alien, or is it like a human-shaped kind of alien? I said, I think it's like an octopus alien. He goes, that's okay.

And then it ended up being a human. No, no, I don't think so. he's like an octopus alien. That's okay. And then it ended up being a human. No. No. I don't think so. But no. The octopus style sluggish kind of aliens were fine.

It was the ones where it looked like arms and legs and kind of you know could speak. It freaked him out. It was awesome when kids movies

used to be like a bit fucked. Like in that way it's like not thinking about I rewatched the first Gremlins the other night. It's brutal. Yeah. Like it's genuinely, they're making it mean, like not thinking about, I rewatched the first Gremlins, the other night, it's brutal,

like it's, it's genuinely pretty scary, I forgot that they like, kill people, I thought they were just like, causing mischief, I forgot that people actually die in it, it's scary,

yeah, you've got to be careful these days, there's even a little bit in, Finding Nemo, where we try and distract him, because it's a bit, with a squid, in Finding Nemo,

that's a bit, oh no, he's heard me say Finding Nemo, where it poops, well, but there's, I had a bit of a squid in Finding Nemo. That's a bit, I know he's heard me say Finding Nemo. Where it poops. Well, but there's, I had a thing with him the other day. I had a Hawthorne footy in the hallway. That's bad pairing. And I'm getting him to kick the Hawthorne footy to me.

So yeah, mate, kick it back. This is blah, blah, blah. Anyway, Kel was watching RuPaul's Drag Race in the lounge room and he just walks over the football into the lounge room and starts watching RuPaul's Drag Race with Carol, which Carol watches on seemingly a permanent loop in our house to the point where recently she was watching RuPaul's, we've got two tellies, she was watching RuPaul's Drag Race on one, he was watching Peter Rabbit on the other

one and the Big Bash was on and the tennis and I couldn't watch any of it. Because there's RuPaul's Drag Race and Peter Rabbit happening in our house. I miss being that age where you can just watch the same movie day after day, multiple times in a day and that makes you happy. Yeah. You know? That would be cool if your brain never stopped functioning in that way where you can just – I guess I'm kind of like that with certain episodes of Seinfeld. Like if it's on and I've seen it the day before, I'm like, oh, here we go again.

There wouldn't be a movie I've seen more than twice in the world apart from Ghostbusters, which I've seen 45 times or so. Yeah, yeah. One time when my brother bought it, when it came, you know, it was like the first VHS video we ever got and that was the only thing we had. So it was on every day of the school holidays. Yeah.

I might have, I reckon I've seen Blues Brothers about 30 times, but that would be my maximum. All right. We did it as a phone topic on radio, and I thought 30 was a lot for Blues Brothers, and some people

were phoning through, going, oh yeah, I've seen, you know, whatever, Titanic this many times, or whatever,

but it was then the parents started phoning through. Ah, yes. Yeah, I've seen, what's the recent one for the singing? Frozen? Frozen. I've seen, what's the recent one for the singing? Frozen?

Frozen. I've seen Frozen 240 times. Okay, right, yeah. You wonder, yeah, when people, those kind of numbers, did you really count or are you rounding up the 240? When did you really start counting? Because if you're a parent whacking on Frozen, you're probably not sitting down watching it every single time.

I'm basically saying your calls are full of shit, Limo. It's only around the 50th time. That's why I'm not there anymore. I'd had enough of the lies. I think Star Wars is probably the most I've seen in any other movie, and I wouldn't have a clue how many times I've seen it. Just being like Frozen where you're like, the 50th time is where you really start to pick up on the nuances

of what they're really going for. The subtle character points. Guys, we'd better wrap it up for another week on the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Limo and Peter Hellyer, thank you so much for joining us. It has been an absolute pleasure. Hey, lad, have you got any parting words? Just a little mic kiss. A little mic kiss. Good on you, mate.

I can't wait for the truthers to come out of the woodwork and go, there wasn't actually a baby on the episode I can't wait for the truthers To come out of the woodwork And go there wasn't actually A baby on the episode Didn't hear it speak The whole time That was making the whole thing up Yeah Just theatre of the mind

These guys had no content They made up a baby For an episode And he won't speak He doesn't speak When you ask him to So we'll be leaving places Yesterday we pulled over

In the car Because we saw some friends On the side of the road And we're chatting And we said Okay mate Say goodbye To Ray and Jodie,

and he just stares at them, and then we go, all right, see you later. We drive off 20 metres up the road, and he goes, bye, when they can't hear it. Just won't do, when you tell him to do something, he won't do it, but he'll do it later, in his own time. Guys, you have stuff coming up to plug?

I'm doing one night of the show I did last year, Big Boy Pants, in an encore performance at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. And I'm also doing a show which I did at the YAC Festival in Sydney last year. It's aimed at families, but you can absolutely be an adult

with no kids and come along and enjoy. It's called The Complete History of Better Books, and it's about the books that I wrote as a kid, aged about seven, eight, nine. And my mum kept the books, so I just read the books out, and they're completely bizarre and strange. For the parents, it's like a nostalgic. There's a lot of Back to the Future references, Indiana Jones, Star Wars, Mr. Wong from American Express.

They're weird kind of references. All the, all the, I think, literary references. Legendary Larry, I think, gets a mention,

you know. So, I'm just doing a weekend of that show, both in Adelaide, Adelaide Fringe, and the Melbourne Comedy Festival. Oh,

cool. Yeah, check that out. There we go. We'll get it for you shortly, mate. He's making sure you get your plugs in. That's a, that's a great idea for a show, Pete. Yeah, check that out. There we go. We'll get it for you shortly, mate. He's making sure you get your plugs in. That's a great idea for a show, Pete.

Yeah, no, it's a lot of fun. What am I doing? I'm doing one night at the Launceston Comedy Festival in March. Cool. And I'm doing the Comics Lounge at the Melbourne Comedy Festival. Great. So that's probably my, ABC Grandstand is back again.

Tune into that when footy season comes around. Oh and Pete, you've got kids books out that people can buy. Frankie Fish,

there's a new book coming out in March. So it'll be the fourth book in the series. The new one's called Frankie Fish

and the Sister Schmozzle. Does Frankie kill anyone in this? I'm just worried about the grand ones.

It turns pretty dark sounds a bit scary for me I might give it a miss no murders as yet but yeah that series has been wonderful

and of course you're hosting the project which I'm working at at the moment guys when you're trying to send through abusive messages to me via the project

Facebook page it's Thursdays at the moment so get your days right don't send them to me via the Project Facebook page. It's Thursdays at the moment. Get your days right. Don't send them to Monday people anymore. They're not really appreciating.

Hey, Chanda, you stupid cunt. All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. See you, meatball. And they've done it again. It's true. I can't deny it.

Indisputable. I don't want you to put me on the polygraph and me say they didn't do it again and then the thing blow up. Can we work towards your child's first words being they've done it again? That would be absolutely great. First words caught on microphone and you you sort of get the sense that it's starting to say one word and you're holding it off because it's like you want all four at once or nothing so here's hey i just thought of this as a conundrum right so of course

my partner don't say her name i'm not allowing the name on we've been doing a lot of talking about this baby in its name yep once i decide you're not gonna want name on We've been doing a lot of talking about this baby and it's name Yep Once I decide You're not going to want it on Is it a no comment? Do I then go I know we've teased this But now I'm not allowing this to go any further

Fuck that is a massive cock tease That's a huge Yeah that's a huge thread to leave unresolved Yeah But you know what No I would like to ask as a personal favour That you don't do that

because then all that will be is i'll get asked about it at live shows by drunken fans who they'll come to me yeah they'll come to mum because dad said no and you know i don't want to have to deal with fending off all that yeah you know that'll make that'll that'll be too much for you and you'll get calls you'll get texts about it yeah it'll be it'll honestly be more trouble than it's worth okay look all very fair points. I'll take them under advisement. Better to just dox your child early on by giving out all its details. Yeah, great.

Very good. Get it its first phone at age one and give the number out on this. Fuck. Fucking hell. Imagine. It'll be getting prank calls on the Fisher-Price fucking plastic phone. From Fred Flintstone calling it a cunt. Goo, goo, goo, goo, goo, ga, gastone calling it a cunt. Goo goo goo goo goo ga ga

fuck up cunt. You get a baby monitor and I give the frequency out on this channel on this podcast so then you're getting heckled through that just in the middle of the night.

Dad, dad, you're a cunt. Hey, so we recorded that ep and then I had to go do something and I came back.

What did you have to go do i went to an audition um for uh for comedy don't count the musical yes uh and then coming back i was gonna stop off and quickly get something to eat as i was driving along uh someone flagged me down whose battery had gone flat oh wanted me to give him a jump start. And absolutely, I start sweating bullets because I'm like, you are barking up the wrong tree here. I know fuck all about cars. I'd be in the same boat. Yeah.

So first of all, it's like as I'm pulling into a spot, he's like, no, can you – I'll stop traffic for you. This is on a main road. He's like, can you do a U-turn here? Drive into oncoming traffic so that you're facing oncoming traffic and then we'll do it that way. And I'm like, I really don't want to do it. But I also, my excuse can't be, sorry, mate, I'm on my way to do a podcast.

Like I don't have a good enough way to get out of it. How did they flag you down? They stood in front of the car? What are they doing? I was reversing into a spot and he's like, no, can you just do a U-turn instead and help me with this? Oh, right. And he's this big fat Irish guy in a busted up ute that's broken down so i pull in and immediately i think he knows that he's he's picked the wrong candidate because he goes um

what sides are your battery on and i go i don't know and he goes all right well we'll work it out um just put the bonnet up and i'm'm like, yeah, how does that happen? Just looking around. That takes me 30 seconds every time. Yeah, I'm like, is it this? Oh, no, that's put the radio on to FM. Oh, no, that's the glove box. Just no fucking clue what I'm doing.

Just nightmare scenario. So finally, get the bonnet up. Then he puts the jumper leads on his car. He comes and puts them on mine and he's like, put the engine on. And I assume this is because someone else is standing outside a store watching this happen. So he puts the jumper leads on my car. Then he goes, cool, now just rev the engine. I'm revving it, but I think he's attached it to the wrong bits.

Because someone who's watching goes, mate, there's fucking smoke. Like there was sparks and smoke and shit. Coming out of his car? Coming out of my car. Oh, no. Like my battery's like about to explode. Yeah. And I start to get, because I.

Fuck. Because initially when the guy, because he knew what he was doing once he got under the hood. So I'm like, thank God this guy knows how to use this shit. So like, you know, I'm going, this guy's in charge. He knows what he's doing. All of a sudden I start to go. Is this sponsored content from the RACV, Roadside Assist? All of a sudden I start to go, should I just pull the pin in this now?

Because I'm starting to go, mark my words, this is going to end in my car not working anymore. Or, fingers crossed, me dead from my car just blowing up in the middle of Chapel Street. Like, so then – Oh, in Chapel Street. In Chapel Street. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So then he's like, oh, yeah, I've got them around the wrong way.

So he switches them around. And you've let him have another go. Well, yeah, but I just felt it's like a guy's broken down. What do you do? Well, what do you do? And, you know, so then – Well, what do you do? You try and make your car not work. Yeah.

Well, also by this point, I'm reversed into a spot facing the wrong way. Right. So I can't easily get out. Bonnet's up. You know, I'm trapped. Yep. So then I start revving. I start revving the engine.

He's got the jumpers on the right way. His car starts great i'm off the hook he disconnects them his car conks out he's like oh sorry mate can you just do that again and i'm just looking at the clock going like fuck me man my whole day yeah just because we talked about it on the pod yep already a big fuck around of a day where stuff's just going wrong left right and center just so you know i didn't go to a uh scanning of my very nice child very nice we had to do this yeah and so then my wife rang me after it was all with the results and everything and i was like yeah i haven't i haven't done anything we didn't record a podcast because i'm still waiting for tommy so you were still waiting for me to come back? Yes. Oh, right, right, right. Yes.

Yeah, because I thought I was just going to... So I skipped that. I skipped going to the doctor's appointment to do this and then didn't even do this. Fuck, I'm so sorry. So this, well, it's not your fault. It's this guy's fault. Yeah. Trying to blow up your car and try to stop me from seeing my child.

Oh, maybe this guy listens and he had a vested interest. Because also the audition, I got there a little late but then was just waiting for nearly an hour anyway. One of those great ones. So just a colossal fuck-up of a day. So then he replugs the jumper, leads onto the battery. Then I'm revving it and then now it just won't – his car just won't start.

Like it had started before, now it just won't. That was a once-off trick. So he's like gunning it he's trying to work out what to do and he's he's looking again and he's like oh and then he looks like he had this like light bulb moment above his head he goes into his car into the glove box comes back out i swear to god with a hammer and then he's just bashing around in his bonnet with a hammer, just hitting shit, just hitting shit with a hammer, trying to like log it on or whatever. And I'm sitting there going, all right,

if this cunt turns on my car with that hammer, I'm out of here. I'm just going to have to be driving down Chapel Street, bonnet up, head out the window seeing where I'm going. Dog style. Yeah. So then he, what did you say like a dog if a dog was driving a car i would have his head out the window because i love that shit i thought you meant the bounty hunter like did this guy have his bonnet up non-stop when he

was hunting criminals i thought you thought i meant he was fucking his dog fucking his car behind up the tailpipe yeah um so I'm like, this is it. I've just got to say to this guy, I'm out of here, buddy. And he very graciously, he's like, yeah, mate. So he's like bashing around under the bonnet for like 30 seconds with a hammer, just wailing on everything. And then he turns and looks at me and just gives me this shrug of like, well, I'm out of ideas.

I was a bit disappointed. I was like hoping maybe more tools would come into the mix. Like just a saw comes out. He's like trying to cut off part of the battery. Hits it with a hammer. That doesn't work. So he gets out a wrench and hits it with a wrench. Yeah.

So, yeah, then he very graciously was like, look, yeah, I'm fucked. I'm going to have to call roadside assist or whatever. I'm like, I mean, at least if I'd been delayed that long, if I'd done the good deed of getting the car to work, I could have at least felt good about it. But I didn't even get any kind of result out of it. It was just me wasting ages, your wife in tears with the fucking oil over the tummy, getting the whole thing.

My child feeling like a fucking orphan, half an orphan. Yes, yes. So you said the results, she called you with the results of the ultrasound. Now what's that at this point? What are the results? Yeah. Apparently there's a dog in there, not a child. Wow.

Okay. Weird. Interesting. Any questions about this? If only I was there to help out or anything like that. No, everything's fine. Everything's fine. Cool. So, yep. Interesting. Any questions about this? If only I was there to help out or anything like that. Okay. No, everything's fine. Everything's fine. Cool. So, yep. Right. Yeah. And you're still not finding out

the... Does she still not want to find out the gender? We just haven't spoken about it again. So I think she's fine with just a surprise. Okay. I'd love if she's just gone in. Yeah. You know. Oh, that'd be fine as well. I wouldn't be. Like a couple watching a series together.

Yes. And one of them just tearing her head. And that's exactly what she is. That's exactly what she is. Yeah. There's no way she hasn't turned to look at the screen and gone, all right, Doc, give me the scoop. Come back and say any of you.

I don't know. I still don't know. You might be right. I don't know. If she starts trying to get a betting pool going with you about the gender, then you've got to be sus. Well, I'll put it this way. We have girl names, but we don't

have boy names. So she comes home and she's really gunning the boy names. Yeah, okay, you'll know. Bit of ball tampering going on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a very good idea that I hadn't thought about, so that's very possible.

But she's now in, as we spoke very possible um but she's now in as we spoke on the episode she's now in her luxurious hotel salubrious very salubrious um she's sending me pictures as we speak and ringing me that's the second i just ignored a call just then big day for her uh yeah where she's just ringing me to say how good it is in there and i'm like yeah i know, I paid. Yeah, yeah, I saw that. That price tag, I was like, well, this better be good. Yeah, yeah.

But, I mean, good response from her, like, giving it up, you know, like getting that it's good and that she should convey that to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nothing worse than, like, treating someone to something and it just sort of going unnoticed like fine to do it but come on give it up give me some props show me that you get

that this is nice given that when I was getting her the alternative that I thought was a good hotel she was letting me know it was a piece of shit

and I'm like it is not a piece of shit if I was given this you'd be stoked I'd be fucking wrapped if someone put me up in that hotel for a gig I'd be like I would be I'd be fucking wrapped. Yeah. If someone put me up in that hotel for a gig, I'd be like,

I would be ringing her going, fucking check this out. I feel that about literally any hotel. Yes. If it's paid for by someone else, I'm like, this is the best place I've ever been in my life. Absolutely. Yeah. She was, the place that we're both staying in, in Copenhagen,

when we go to do the Costa Mungo International Podcast Festival Roadshow in Copenhagen, the place we're both staying in, I was showing her, yeah. When we go to do the Coastal Million International Podcast Festival Roadshow in Copenhagen, the place we're both staying in, I was showing her pictures of that and she was like, why didn't we stay there when we went to Copenhagen? Why didn't we stay there?

And I'm like, this place is cheaper than the place I paid for when we went there. Right, right, right, right. This is cheaper. Yeah. Anyway,

so she's so fucking fussy with that stuff anyway. Yeah. Hey. This is quickly the big takeaway for me today was, I don't know, I'd love to know if this is a thing that exists. I've got to go do like a fucking day course or something on how to do anything with a car. Yeah.

Because it's rattled me. It's like I'm fucked. If anything happened to me like on a freeway in the middle of the night, I'd be fucked. I do not know the first thing about anything. Do you have roadside assistance? Yes. Right.

Yeah. But I don't know. You should still – you should know how to – like, I'm judging this guy for putting on the jumper leads the wrong way. Yeah. I don't – I wouldn't know how to do them. I don't own jumper leads. Yep.

Like, I'm like, you stupid cunt. Yes. I'm also not flagging people down with them in my hand going, like, to own them and not know which way they go on is pretty funny. Yeah. To the point where there's smoke billowing out of my battery. I'm exactly the same. I don't know anything about anything car-wise at all.

I've got roadside assistance too. The only thing they've ever done, they've come and changed a flat tyre. I wouldn't know how to do that. They've changed my battery maybe 12 times. Really? Yeah. Wow. They've got through so many batteries.

Leaving lights on, not driving the car enough, whatever it is. Yep, yep. Yep, wouldn't know anything. Wouldn't know fucking anything. I barely, I honestly don't know how to move my car seat back. Right. I might get them out for that.

If a listener wants to be a surrogate dad and come around and show me how to change a tyre or whatever, then... Give both of us a day course. Yeah, let's do it. No, a day course is too long. I need an hour course. An hour course. Anyone who reckons they can come around and give us the real fucking breakneck speed course,

just the brass tacks... An hour's worth of the basics. Yeah. Then. Just the brass tacks. An hour's worth of the basics. Yep. Then fucking we're all ears. What do we need? Battery, change of tyre, and I guess just for you putting the seat back. Yes. Just general.

Yeah. Me, how to clean empty coffee cups and water bottles out of it more than once a year. Right. Would be great. Any tips on that? Making me put oil in mine. I can't remember the last time I put oil in mine, so that would be a good idea. Yeah.

Yeah, that would be good. Right, let's sort it out. What we said at the top of the show was we said a lot about live shows. Yep. So if you're in Canberra, Brisbane, Melbourne, if you're living on the island of Koh Samui and you thought

you've always wanted to go down the street and go to this festival that we put on every year, that's June 11 to 16. Please come along to that if you're a local.

Or maybe you're a new listener and you didn't even know that existed. Yeah. And you were about to book a ticket overseas to come

to Melbourne to see us. You're like, hang on a minute, this is happening down the road. Look, if you're a big listener and you've been listening to Melbourne to see us. You're like, hang on a minute. This is happening down the road. Look, if you're a big listener and you've been listening for years and you live on the island of Koh Tao and you've always thought, well, it's an hour and a half on the ferry.

It's a bit of a way. Man, make the effort. Come on. That would be brutal to know. That would be amazing. I'd almost have to respect that begrudgingly. I'd have to give it up. That's awesome.

Well, we've had listeners that have been in Malaysia or Bangkok or stuff like that. They haven't been. So, look, love you to come down. I know there was someone, I've said this on the show before, someone called Bangkok Betty, I think, on Instagram. And I was like, oh, cool. You can come to go swimming. No, I've got a family. Yeah.

Yeah, we'll come anyway. Yeah, bring them. Yeah. Yeah. They're allowed. It's very close. Yeah. You've said the word respect.

I sort of don't respect that. I don't respect that either. I would respect if you came. I've got no respect for Bangkok Betty. Right. She'd be feeling a bit like Rodney Dangerfield right now. Yes. She's getting no respect from us.

From us. Yes, you're right. But what we did mention was we have a new live show coming up. Now, look, this is not a call to arms where we say, go to our website right now. Everything's on sale. It's not on sale. This isn't even breaking news.

This is pre-breaking news. Yes. Yes. You're getting on sale. This isn't even breaking news. This is pre-breaking news. Yes. Yes. You're getting on very ground level here. What's going on is we it looks like what we've been teasing for quite a while is going to happen. We are

going to England. Yeah. Fire up the lorry. Fire up the lorry? The lorry. Okay. The truck. Okay. Get in lorry? The lorry. Yeah, okay. The truck. Okay. Get in one of those black cabs. Eat some bangers and mash.

Get your Yorkshire poods going. Yep. Yeah, get your beet off over Big Ben. Beetles off over Big Ben. Yep. Maybe we shouldn't do this show. Union Jack, you little dick. Yep, yep.

I thought I knew more about this country, but I don't really know anything. We shouldn't go. Union Jack, you little dicky over this. Union Jack, you little dick off. We are going to come and do a live show there. Yeah, in sunny, in quotation marks, sunny old London town. Yes, well, it might be slightly sunny when we go there. I doubt that, but anyway.

Well, I think it might be. Because it's the time when sun does come out. We are going to go. The plan is lock it in, pencil lock it in. May the 5th. Yep. May the 5th, Sunday, May the 5th, we're going to be in London. Now, open your ears, you fucking English limey dumb cunts.

We are in London. Yep. So when you say to us, oh, just come to Birmingham. Oh, just come to Newcastle. Oh, just come to Hartlepool. Yeah. Oh, just come to Wolverhampton. Yeah.

Oh, just come to fucking... Damn. Yeah. Oh, just come to fucking... Damn, you know a lot of places. I know London and that's it. I know Slough from watching The Office. Yeah, yeah. And I know Swindon from watching The Office. If someone was to say come to Slough, it's like, fuck, you are kidding. It's only an hour away.

Yeah, you are fucking kidding yourself. Come to Southampton. Come to Portsmouth. Come to... Damn, he knows to Portsmouth. Come to... Damn, he knows heaps. Manchester. Come to Brighton. Did you say that one?

No. I know that one. I've been to Brighton. Brighton's very nice. But sorry, not coming there. Yeah, no, well, good. Come to Barnett. That'd be stupid because I think that's in London.

Okay, right. Come to Hackney. Come to where? Hackney. Hackney. Yeah. Come to Cockfosters. Yep.

No. Tempting, though. We're not doing. Hackney. Yeah. Come to Cockfosters. Yep. No. Tempting though. We're not doing any of them. We are going to London. Yeah. So if you live in England, this is your big chance. I can't see any circumstance where we will come back to England. Yeah.

I can barely see a circumstance of us going there this time. Yeah. It's crazy. Oh, I can see a pretty big one. Well, look. What's happening is, full transparency, May 5th, we're going to go because of two barely reasons. Number one being the team I've supported for a long time, for decades, Liverpool.

It's a massive chance that – I don't want to mozz it. I don't want to put it on the record. But look, we are gunning for the title of the English Premier League title. And I am, you know, semi-obsessed. So for me to miss out on the one time in my lifetime, in the lifetime that I've supported them, to miss out on them winning – potentially winning the title. Yeah. It would fucking gut me. Yeah.

And so I've talked about this with you. You've said, I'd quite like to go and do a bit of travelling over there. So we've put those two ideas together and so we're going to go there. We're going to be there around the time that things are moving and shaking in the title race. Yeah. So for God's sake, fucking Liverpool Football Club, if you listen to this show. Wow. Get them in.

Please. Come do the pod. Please just. Well, they will be potentially, they will be playing. They'll be halfway through a match when we're on stage. Really? I believe. Damn.

Yeah. So, fuck. We might be kicking off at halftime. There might be a tense. Fuck. Yeah. I don't know what's going to happen. That's cool.. There might be a tense... Fuck. Yeah. I don't know what's going to happen. That's cool.

That's a good angle for the show. Yeah. What's the second reason that we're going over? No, well, the second reason was I melded into that, which was, well, we wouldn't be going unless you were interested in going. And so you have an interest in going to do a little bit of travel. I have an interest in going, but it's like, you really want to go. Yeah. And I'm happy to be a team player. Well, travel. I mean, yeah, I have an interest in going, but it's like, you really want to go. Yeah.

And I'm happy to be a team player. Well, yes. Well, that's what I'm saying. That's my reason. I wouldn't go. If you didn't want to go, I wouldn't go. You'd be going, but you would be going anyway. Yes.

We just wouldn't be doing the pod. Yes. Yeah. Yes, exactly. Anyway, that is very exciting. I am really looking forward to it. So we're just inking everything now. Yep.

Probably within, hopefully, God, the next week or something. There'll be a link going on. Hopefully less than a week, yes. Hopefully, yeah. Hopefully by the time this comes out, hopefully we will only be a couple of days away maybe. But we've been offered a date. We've been offered a time.

Everything seems fine. Nothing's on sale. So keep looking on the socials, all that sort of stuff. But if you are looking, if you're in Europe, if you're in England in particular, mark that down in your diary. Make a day trip to London. We are going to be there. It's not a big theater. We've set our sights low.

It's a pretty cool comedy venue though. Yep. So I would say we'll fill it. Yeah. You would hope to God that we would fill it yeah you would hope to God that we would fill it well we did you did a little call out

in at the end of yeah end of last year sometime just sort of going like hey should we do this would people come and there was what this hopefully this isn't

one of those infuriating things where it's like who's into this and you feel like people are responding in their hundreds yeah and then it's like when it gets down this? And you feel like people are responding in their hundreds.

And then it's like, when it gets down to it, three people actually do it. So guys, time to put your money where your mouth is. All of you guys who fired up when we put it out there, this is your chance. No one until now has ever called London the Adelaide of the Northern Hemisphere. But don't make us pull that out. And don't, yeah, like you said, don't, oh no, I live in a different city, mate. don't make us pull that out and don't yeah like you said don't oh oh no i live in a different city mate yeah can't make it you know what take a weekend or what take a weekend off of batting off to snatch yeah or lock stock and two smoking barrels or lay a cake or whatever the fuck it is you're doing in your little hut in the English countryside.

Layer cake. And get your ass on the fucking train and come see us do – we're doing stand-up as well as part of the show. Yes, yes. Bit of stand-up and a big old pod. Yeah, both the boys in full flight, special guests. It's going to be awesome. Don't be one of these renowned cunts that goes, you know what?

It's going to be awesome. Don't be one of these renowned cunts that goes, you know what? I live in Sunderland, but I know the London Olympics is on. I've always wanted to see Usain Bolt, but I'll wait until he comes up to the northeast. It's not going to fucking happen. You go down to London to see it happen.

And yes, that's me comparing us to Usain Bolt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're the Usain Bolt of podcasting, which means we're probably about due for a very ill-advised career change. Well, no. I would say we're the Usain Bolt of soccer, of podcasting. Yeah, yeah. Good, good. Yes.

So, yeah, that's going to be very exciting. And, hey, you know what? We really, you know, we run all this by ourselves. We're not promoted. We're not produced or anything like that. So any of you guys that listen, you've got mates you know you've got some time you got a few months get them into the pod play them some highlight episodes play them the best of episode get some mates keen bring them along to the show you know we'd love to see

as many people there as possible totally um yeah it'll be it'll be fucking sweet we would love to even the possibility of selling out this show and then even looking at another show. 100%. Yeah. The dream is for you guys to really make it, to make it so that we're not making an insane loss on this. Yeah. That would be the dream to, look, we're not going to make money. We are going to be trying to cover airfare.

Best case scenario, break even. Yeah. Oh, that would be amazing. Yeah. I can't even conceive how that would happen. Yeah. But do your best by buying tickets and maybe even putting on a second show. Who knows?

But fuck first show. Let's concentrate on that. And anyone who's got some good shit in Europe, specifically Italy and France, that they think I should go do, let me know. Yeah. Because I'm going to go fuck around in some of those places afterwards. Yeah. I've sort of got – the date that we've been offered,

I can't... That means that we can't... I can't go and see the team play on that date. You went as if you'd forgotten their name. The reason why... The reason why you're going on this trip. Yeah. Which means...

Do you not want to say them because you don't want to jinx it? Is this like the Scottish... No, I said Liverpool. Is this like the Scottish play? I said Liverpool. Naming your team before the game is bad luck. No, no, no.

So I will be getting there. I'll be watching them a week earlier or a week later. So I might do the pod and then muck around and then come back. So I'll be watching things as well. Well, let me – because would you allow me to join you in watching them because I think that would be fun if it works out we could have this conversation off air

but if you go the week early I'd be keen on that because I want to give myself I reckon I'm a prime candidate for getting absolutely fucked in the ass by jet lag so I'm keen to get there with a bit of time to shake that off oh for sure and look if if anyone if again if if liverpool football club themselves are listening right now

very happy to we to to get tickets in some way so you so we we could make this happen yeah we got to make this happen we've got to get you tickets to that game yeah that's surely with you know reach and network and whatever yeah that's that's a thing that we can aim for on this show you're getting tickets to that oh that this is how outside of the realm of sports i am i was about to call it a gig yeah sports a little athletic concert yep so we'll work on that um any help like i went to a game 15 years ago i went to a couple went to a game 15 years ago. I went to a couple of games over there 15 years ago, and it was just me waking up really early and ringing up the club

and buying tickets. I would imagine that does not happen anymore in any way. Somehow, via go-go, just buy every ticket in the stadium, and you have to fucking buy it off them these days probably. Oh, yeah. What's the most you would pay to a scalper for a ticket to this thing? Oh, look, if it was guaranteed, like, yeah. It's a real ticket.

I'm in. I'm in. Money's no object. Yeah. Wow. It is an object, but I'll part with that object. Yep. Right.

Right. It'll be happening. I'm a co-host of a semi-successful podcast in Australia. There's a couple of bands over there when we're there, which I'm excited about, that I like. Yeah. It's all exciting. I'm excited about that I like. Yeah, it's all exciting. I'm excited because I've been thinking recently,

I've never done a big insane like trip where it's like a lot of money to see something that you love. Right. So when the band LCD Sound System stopped, they had their last ever concerts like in 2011 or something. They've since come back after that. But at the time, they played Madison Square Garden. Yeah. And I was like it would be literally all the money I have and I'd come back with nothing. But I was like thinking about doing it.

Yeah. And I never did it. Now, I could go and it not be as big of a deal. But I've never done anything crazy like that. Yeah. I guess the closest to that is I'm going to go and see Conan in Sydney in like three weeks' time. Right.

And it feels fucking good to just go, this is something I've loved forever. It's just on in this one place. Yeah. I have to go. It feels fucking great. Yeah. So I'm excited for you.

That is fun because I did, and it's a smaller version of, but a couple of years ago during the Comedy Festival, Elvis Costello, one of my favourites of all time, he was playing and I was doing a show at the same time as him. Yep. But then the festival finished and he went to Sydney for a gig. So I just flew up for the gig. Yep. Went and saw the gig by myself, walked across the road to my hotel, went to sleep, got up in the morning, come home again.

So very indulgent, one-off. Totally. Totally. Yeah. But when it's something that you've cared about for so long, it's like there's no – yeah, money just ceases to exist because it's just like I have to do this because think about 14-year-old you and how much it meant to you and just like knowing that you'd be in a position to do that one day.

Oh, and also it's more of a, less of a 14-year-old me, but more of a in-the-years-gone-by-since-then, me following a fucking team for 25 years. Yeah. And them not winning the title, and then having the chance to do that after all that build-up. I'm like, fuck. It is a long, yeah.

Yeah. It's a long road for sure yes it's a fun i was playing this with other people the other with some people the other night of like what's the band or something that you love where they say we're ending or we're coming back and it's on the other side of the world and it's one night only what's the thing that you care about enough that would make you go boom doesn't matter doesn't matter what the cost whatever i have to do yeah i'm just gonna go and do this extremely indulgent thing for one night. Yeah.

And yeah, it's fun. I guess that's, yeah, this is my one. Yeah. Because I've sort of got no interest in going to England apart from this. So I've been a couple of times and I'm like, yeah, it's all good. You know? Yeah, I went ages ago. Well, yeah, I went like seven years ago.

Good for work. Yeah. I don't know. I'm excited to go. I'm more excited to then be close to a lot of other shit. I'm excited to see my friend Charlie. Charlie, here you go now. You've got confirmation.

He listens to this. He's a long-term friend of mine. I mentioned offhand to him that we were looking at doing this and I've been bugged about it pretty relentlessly. So here you go, Charlie. He was back here for Christmas, wasn't he? He came back here for Christmas, yeah. He was very excited to find out that we might be coming.

I'm sure he'd be less excited when it's an hour before the gig and we go, hey, mate, can you do door for us? And we can crash with you for a week, can't we? Great. Someone, a friend of the show that doesn't listen, but who's been on the show, very excited by this as well. Pardon?

Oh, I know who you're talking about. Yeah. The Queen. Yes. Queen. Do you think we could get Ali G on the podcast? Fuck. Well, that's the next thing.

I'm looking forward to the thread Of people weighing in Of who they would like to see on the show Yes Showing absolutely No idea of who Who's actually reasonable to get on Yes

Yeah Or even you know Just people saying Fucking You know George Clooney Cool Yeah one of the great Brits Yeah great Nick Tapper No George Clooney. Cool.

Yeah, one of the great Brits. Yeah, great. Nick Tapper. No. Well, I mean, knowing us, it'll end up with a thing where it's like someone that we know is just doing a stopover there on the way. You know what I mean? It'll be like someone's going to Italy with their family and it's like, oh, cool, I could come do it.

Yeah, look. Like when we went to New York. Yeah. To just talk to australian people look i you know i know you've said looking forward to unreasonable requests but also also interested in any requests yeah because i sat there for five minutes and thought fuck who do we know who do we know yeah so maybe people we don't know really well that are attainable if they're funny, you know? Sure.

Look, the ideal with any, when we do a live pod, we never sort of go, look, let's get people that we don't know. Yeah. What we tend to do is we'd love to have people that we do know and then maybe one person we don't know. Yeah. That would be interesting and funny and all that sort of stuff. So, love a bit of familiarity because, you know,

it's not as fun to have a talk amongst yourselves and try and be as funny as you can when you don't know people. So that'll be the aim. Yeah. Yeah, very exciting. Yeah, exciting stuff, guys. I guess it's exciting to say it out loud. We've been sort of trying to plan it for a little bit,

and I guess it's happening. But here's the killer thing. Fuck, watching... This will be an interesting thing for listeners. Watching that English Premier League table if we're not in it

if all of a sudden we lose five games in a row fuck, this is going to be brutal. Yeah, yeah. Either way, something interesting happening at this live show. Oh, God.

There'll be a man committing suicide live on stage or, you know, or maybe something bad happens. No. Got him. Let's just hope that my favourite team in the Thailand Premier League is still up the top by the time we go there in June as well.

Yeah, yeah. Okay. Because, of course, that's the reason why we're going there. Yep. They're out of the cave and they're looking good this season a little bit look they're looking lean i think they must be fit they must be fit um but yes exciting stuff i agree i was um i what the more we started talking about it seriously i got very excited to do it because it's fun to do new things with the pod and everything and you know what a a ridiculous, crazy journey you and I are on together.

And to go and do a bit of other traveling and stuff. But then we found it very hard to work out venue stuff. And it was sort of hitting a point where it was like, oh, man, is this going to happen? And I started getting – I had bought into it so much that I was starting to get quite disappointed. Yeah. Well, yeah, great news. So let's – fuck, how long we've been going we're barely a time who cares man we're making travel plans well you know i'm literally looking at the

time because after this oh yeah we've got to have a drink have a beer yeah i was gonna oh man my whole day is fucked i was gonna go home and go to the gym before this gig but yeah it's not gonna happen maybe i'll just stay here here and then go from here. We are literally going to have a little mini barbecue and drinks as the man baby shower that we talked about earlier. Yeah. Okay, look, let's crack in. We, like we said, we'd like to reward people for patronizing us on the show with money by going to patreon.com slash little dumb dumb club and chucking some cash into our coffers keep the engine running on the on the uh car broken down

car that is this podcast in chapel street um we're just we're just standing next to it with the jumper leads hoping that you know hoping that your bank account pulls up next to us and just revitalizes the battery just smashing into the. Just smashing into the engine of this podcast with anything. Just not even with forks, with fucking refrigerators, with animals. Oh, just quickly. As he was bashing everything with the hammer, as he's bent over in the bonnet, he had these tiny little shorts on and he had his ass crack hanging out. So it was just such a great complete image from where I was sitting.

Just the new UltraTune ad. So anyway, we have got the unplanned title alternator. We like to read out the names of people who patronize us with money every week. And we are so out of time. Let's crack into this. So please. Thank you to Patreon subscriber, Brooke Stocker. Stocker. Yeah. to Patreon subscriber, Brooke Stocker. Stocker.

Yeah. Brooke Stocker. Brooke Stocker. That's a K-heavy name. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Brooke Stocker. And as we know, Tommy,

in comedy, the K sound is crucial. So you would say that technically it is a funny name. Yeah, I think one more K would make it a little funnier. Yeah. I'm not sure about that.

I don't find that sort of thing that funny, Tommy. Right, interesting. But you saying Brooke reminds me when I was putting together our Best Of episode at the end of last year. I did a little highlights package of some of the best bits from this bit and was reminded of one of the great names that's come up on this, Brooke Window. Oh, yes. I've got to say, listening back to the's come up on this, Brook Window. Oh, yes. I've got to say, listening back to the clip, it got me all over again. Oh, good.

You know, I would have thought that's a different time, that's a different me. You hear something and it's not going to have the same effect. Right. It absolutely in-stitches all over again. Right. So I got excited for a second thinking that maybe you'd done a bit of a classic clerical

error in reading that name out again and I was going to get to experience it all over again. Going to recreate the magic. No, no. It was just like Brooke Window 2. No. It's Brooke Stocker. That'd be pretty cool.

If you had the surname 2 and then you had a kid but the partner never took your name and then you have a kid with a hyphenated surname yeah but then the last bit of it is two so they seem like a sequel like a sequel i quite like that yeah and you've had a kid that has the same first name in a previous relationship so they don't have the hyphenated two at the end right what's the difference between if i was if i was to have a son and call it carl jr what's the difference between doing that and then just giving the kid Junior as a middle name? So it still ends up being Carl Junior Chandler.

So I knew a guy that just went by Junior because he just had his dad's first name. Really? Really. And he, yeah, I think we were, we knew each other when we were like 10, I think. And by that, he was just like, yep, I'm Junior. That's my name. Right. Yeah.

Pretty cool. I always thought. Yeah, I think. And by that, he was just like, yep, I'm Junior. That's my name. Right. Yeah. Pretty cool. I always thought. Yeah, I guess. I guess. I don't know. It's a lot to take in. Yeah. It's a weird concept to me.

I mean, where do you start? I mean, naming a new being after yourself, how crazy do you have to be? Well, that's what my grandparents did. That's what I was talking about in the ep. Like, my grandparents had twins a boy and a girl and how did i not listen to this bit i didn't go into this much detail but my they they had twins boy and a girl and just gave them their names which is insane insane behavior what yeah so my mom has the same first name as her mom and her brother has the same first name as their dad

that is it's fucked isn't it how has this never come up yeah that is fucking crazy i would have said it before and in fact i said it i said half of it about two hours ago right but for the double that's the double is it's wild that's amazing it's fucking wild i don't know i mean it's more interesting to me i don't know what my uncle's middle name is it's more interesting to me. I don't know what my uncle's middle name is. It's more interesting to me that my mum reached an age where she went, having the same name as your mum is fucked. I'm going, I'm using my middle name from now on. Right.

That her brother never went, no, I reckon I'm just going to stick this out. Fuck. You know, here's a slight regret. Sorry, Brooke Stocker. Here's a slight regret of mine. So this has happened in my family history. My birthday is the day before my father's birthday, which is the day before his father's birthday.

Wow. Pretty cool. That all happens in two months. So I've been saying to my wife, if you could just hold it in, that would really help out like a sort of funny little bit of trivia. Yeah. So she's going to do her best. Two months.

Yeah. She's going to do her best. Interesting. Yeah. I mean, to be fair, you could have held it in for two months. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got my maths wrong. Yeah, I was like. You couldn for two months. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got my maths wrong. Yeah, I was like... You couldn't contain yourself.

Yeah, I was like... I'd love to have planned it out like that, but it didn't quite happen. That's great. Ah, damn, I came quickly. I came quicker than I thought I was going to. Don't you... I swear I usually last two months longer.

This has never happened before. I'm usually an all-nighter times 60. Oh, fuck. Oh, man. I usually nearly go for a season. Oh, man. That is a bump. That is wild that your family is spaced out like that.

That is. That's fucking crazy. That is crazy. Yeah. What a shame that I fucked it all up. Fuck, what a disgrace. I'm the black sheep. I'm the Brookstocker of my family.

Whoa. That's unfair. That's unfair. We don't know anything about it yet. Yeah, you're probably the black sheep. Although, Brookstocker BS, black sheep BS. BS, oh, yeah. Oh, now thiser, BS. Black sheep, BS. BS. Oh, yeah.

Oh. Now this is starting to get interesting. What do you think? The plot thickens. What about she's a Brooke Stocker, which means that she sounds like she's someone in a warehouse, you know, putting Brooks on a shelf. Right.

So the reason that she's got – she says to people, I'm Brooke Stocker, and the reason she's stocking shelves is because she's so dumb that she doesn't even know what a book is called. She thinks that. So she works in a library. She's just like, I'm Brooke Stocker. Yeah, yeah, right. Wow.

A dumb librarian. Yeah, yeah. Brooke Stocker. Yeah. Thanks, Brooke. Thanks, Brooke. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Mark Stillman. Oh, wow. Yeah. Thanks, Brooke. Thanks, Brooke. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Mark Stillman. Oh, wow.

Yeah. Damn. Yeah. What do you think about that? I think we'd have a pretty great time with this one if we were off mic. That's what I was thinking. I was thinking. It's a shame.

It's a shame in many ways. I was thinking this is sort of like Bruce Jenner at the Olympics. But no longer. Damn. Yeah. But instead we'll just have to be complimentary towards the person that has given us so much money. Stillman. What was the first name again?

Mark. Mark. Mark Stillman. What was the first name again? Mark. Mark. Mark Stillman. Mark. Always liked Mark as a name. That is a name I should write down on a list. Oh, no, it's not. Why?

Because my cousin's called Mark, and that means I can't really... Why? I feel that's weird. I mean, yeah, but, you know, every name's something. Yeah. The problem is, I think... I just feel like every time I'd see him, I'd go, it's not you. Yeah.

It's not named after you. How often do you see him, though? No, not very often. There you go. Yeah. Because the problem is, and I think this is true of a lot of things, but I would think it's especially true of kids' names. For everyone that you're thinking, we can't do this one because of this.

Yeah. You'll name it something, but there's something about that that you don't know or you haven't considered or that you will get haunted with anyway. So either way, you're going to get some shit. So you might as well just give your kid the shittest name of all time. Yes. Yes. Okay.

Yes. Tommy it is. Mark is a good name. Meatball Chandler. Meatball Chandler. Mark is my uncle's name. Right. Pretty cool.

Uncle Mark? Uncle Mark. Do you call him Uncle Mark? I call him Unky Mark. Do you really? Yeah. Do you still call him Uncle Mark in that you're 32 years old? Yeah.

And you still call him Uncle Mark? As a joke, to be funny, yeah. When I see him, I genuinely do call him Unky Mark. Right. Like, I'll text him every now and then and go like, Hey, Unky Mark. Right. What are you doing?

Love you. Because he, yeah, he's, he's, he'd fit in pretty well on this, actually. Right. Yeah. He's a bit of a, well, I, yes. Right. His son-in-law listens. Right.

And in the fucking, we were talking the other week, in the gossipy world of being snitched out by people, you know, this will get back in some way. But he's very antagonistic. He saw me on, we spent Christmas Day at their place and he saw me on Christmas Day and he told me that I was looking very fat when I am in literally the best shape I've ever been in in my life.

Like I weigh, I haven't weighed what I weigh now since I was like fucking 16 or whatever. Right. But that's the sort of thing he would do to be funny. He'd get out and he's like – pokes me in the belly and he's like, oh, fucking hell. Someone's getting a bit soggy, aren't they? And it's like, what do you think instills the kind of mindset that makes you obsessed with going to the gym all of a sudden? Right. Probably shit like this.

Right. Thanks, Uncle Mark Stillman. Thanks, Uncle Mark Stillman. This is a lovely segue into this. So, my cousin Mark, last time I saw him was with you at a concert we went to with Josh Earl when we went and saw, at the Tenor Centre, the American musician Beck. Yeah. Next up, thank you to Patreon subscriber Beck Hill.

I believe not the same. That's Beck Hanson. Yeah, that is, yeah. Shame. Yeah. That'd be cool. Not the same. To find out that we were getting a bit of sweet Scientology dollars.

Yes. That would be good. A bit of sex laws dollars. Yeah. Yeah. That was a fun show. It was a fun show. I'm going to a concert with Josh on Thursdayology dollars. Yes. That would be good. A bit of sex laws dollars. Yeah. Yeah. That was a fun show. It was a fun show.

I'm going to a concert with Josh on Thursday. Oh. Yeah. Who are you seeing? We're going to see Parquet Courts. Great band. Never heard of them. Who I think you would like.

Okay. Well, maybe get another ticket for me. Okay. All right. You'll bail on running your company gig to come and watch a concert? No. Oh, you know where it is? The Croxton.

Oh. Yeah. Ex-haunt of the Little Dumb Dumb Club. So that'll be fun. If you save your backstage pass so you can seamlessly just go in there and grab my T-shirt that I left there two years ago. Oh, really? Yeah. That I really liked.

If the band go any requests, I'll yell out, go into the green room. Yeah. And look for a fucking elvis costello t-shirt a black t-shirt from uniclo or something like that that had a little pocket in the front okay and it fit me really well and i fucking really liked it and i left it there wow well andrew savage from the parquet courts if you're listening yeah then uh you know have a bit of a snoop around. Let us know. It's not too late to get us to do support for you at that gig.

I'd be amazed at the backstage of that venue if for some reason there was a black T-shirt that had just stayed there for 18 months or something. But people are coming in and out in a very transient way where they're just getting there, playing a show, and then fucking off. Maybe. There's every chance it still is.

I left my bag at a bar the other night, just forgot, like forgot it and left it. And it had enough things in there that I was like, fuck, I really want this back. And I messaged the page of the bar thinking this is a Hail Mary past. It's gone. And they have it. I couldn't believe it. I had given up. I've been very lucky with that sort of behavior over the years.

And I touch wood right now and hope that it continues because I've left some seriously important documents and objects in places and gotten them mostly back. Clothes-wise, no. But object-wise, yes. Yeah. You know what? The last couple of trips to Thailand, I bought – you know, I've gotten over this. But you know how you go to a tailor over there and people are always hassling you for tailors in Thailand. And you go, you know what?

I'm here. Everything's cheap. They're tailoring it to you. Sure. I bought a leather jacket. I don't know why. I don't know why. Because then you get it home and you go, I'll be the guy that wears a leather jacket.

And I'm like, fuck it. I'm not that guy. I don't know why I bought it. There have been many points in my life where I've thought, this is it. I'm becoming leather jacket guy and been talked off the ledge, thank God, by some very rational people in my life. Like I was saying to my old housemate, Pat, I was like, I think I'm going to be leather jacket guy.

This is like a year and a half ago. And he goes, the denim jackets are working really well for you at the moment, though. Like very, more diplomatic than he usually is. Yeah. He goes, the denim jackets are working really well for you at the moment, though. Like, very. More diplomatic than he usually is. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I could say more about that guy. So, I've put a leather jacket over there. But here's the thing. You get it made for you, and you're like, this is the advantage. You get it tailored. But you're over there, your body swells up. So you're getting yourself measured in fucking 34 degree heat. So you are bigger over there.

Yes, okay. And then also you don't want things clinging to you because you're fucking hot over there as well. Yeah. So all of a sudden I come home with this big old fucking leather jacket that's not even fitting me. And then's the trick where you go me like and then and then and there's the trick where you go over there and go oh everything's really cheap you come home and like that was a fucking lot of money yeah to get something to all those things add up that that it's ultimately not that cheap yes so then i'm walking around in australia with this jacket

on that doesn't fit me even if it didn't fit me did fit me i'd be like i don't think i'm leather jacket man yeah and then i'm like but it doesn't even fucking fit me and I've spent all this money. So then my wife was like, well, stop complaining and just get a fix next time. I'm like, you're right. I'm dragging that fucking leather jacket back over there and they're going to fix it. On this trip, you're going to do it? No, no, no. Oh, you've done it already?

This was like the last couple of trips. Dragged it all the way back over there. Fix this. Okay, it's going to cost you this much. already. This was like the last couple of trips. Dragged it all the way back over there. Fix this. Okay, it's going to cost you this much. Fuck. Okay. Yep. Just fix it.

Fixed. Come straight back to Australia. Wore it out one night. Left in the pub. Goodbye. Great. The end. I wonder if I've seen this jacket.

I don't know if I've seen you wear it. You're gone. You're gone. Been gone for a while. I would argue that there's no one because the leather jacket, it's a big amount of money to spend to then find out that you're not a leather jacket guy. I would argue that no one is a leather jacket guy. They just get it and go, too bad, I've spent the money.

I am just going to force this. I'll just keep wearing this until one day overnight I become. I'll change everything else about the image. I'll change everything else about the personality to fit into me being leather jacket guy. Right. Yeah, interesting theory. I don't know. It's all new theories for me. I don't know.

I don't understand how it works. Like I've got a few like vinyl things that are not leather jackets, but that are sort of leather jacket-y that I wear out when I think I can get away with it. But even when I'm wearing it, I'm like, I don't know if I'm getting away with this. It's hard. I don't know about this. I feel a bit uncomfortable. If someone was to tap me on the shoulder and go, nah, I'd be like, fuck, okay, fair enough.

I'm not in control of this. If someone else can tell me what works and what doesn't, I guess I'll have to fest to it. You and I getting stylists for the pod would be pretty funny. Just very quickly, this is a quick story that does tie into a couple of things we've talked about. I was at a concert the other night and I was walking to my seat. And as I was going through to my seat, a guy gets up out of his seat and waves at me. And I'm like, here we go. He's a listener of the pod.

And I go over, I'm like, oh, hey, man. And he goes, hey. And he points at what I'm wearing. He goes, is that one of the You shirts from Uniqlo? And I go, yeah. And he goes, nice, man. I fucking love that shirt. And that was it.

Wow. He just getting recognized, not from any work that I've done, but my shirt being more famous than I am. From Uniqlo as well. The fabric, yes. So it's like, cool, man, you bought a $25 shirt? Yeah. Oh, less than that, I think.

Oh, wow. It's this new cut of them that I found when I was in Japan, and I really like the way they fit. So I bought a few of them. And I think, I didn't know that they had them at Uniqlo here at the time. But it was very wild to have because i he's right it is a great shirt i found i was like man this this fits really good it's it's a bit thicker than their standard thing it feels really good i wish i'd bought more of

them this is my new go-to basic t-shirt so look to see it get a bit of love out in the world to meet a fellow enthusiast of the u shirt by Uniqlo did feel very good, even if it did mean the extreme hubris of me walking in going, probably about to be asked to sign an autograph. Yeah. I got one last night. I was walking down the street with my wife, and someone drove past and just yelled at us, and she just turned to me and went, podcast?

So they'd yelled some kind of obscenity. I couldn't figure out what they were yelling But they were yelling something And it was like Well she immediately went This will be one of your mob The only way this makes sense Is from someone who enjoys what you do

For an hour or two every week Screaming Walking along with a heavily pregnant woman Yes Alright Thanks Thanks Beckhill I'm walking along with a heavily pregnant woman. Yes, yes, yes. All right. Thanks. Thanks. Beck Hill.

Thanks. Thanks, Beck Hill. Got a long way away from that. Sorry, Beck Hill. Beck Hill. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Ella Broadbent. Broadbent. Great name.

Ella. I like Ella too. No? Yes. Great name. Ella. I like Ella too. No? Yes, I do like Ella. I think... Yeah, I do. I do. You know what?

I went through a... Thinking about girls' names and stuff, a consideration was the name Bella, but Bella's just too... It's too done, isn't it? A little, I guess. Because that was in my head from years and years

and years and years ago but then i think everyone had that idea as well are you definitely not going to use that name i would say so yeah okay it's it's you know it's a little porno to me oh really it's a little porno yeah really yeah i in my head it's a little bit cliched because it's as you well know it's italian for beautiful yeah yeah um i say it every morning when i wake up and look in the mirror well that's another reason to not kill my kid after what you say in the mirror every morning yeah yeah yeah so yeah look ella without the b i mean that's a different story that says ella fit Fitzgerald. That says – It says Utiful.

This is how we should be using the Patreon every week until this child is born, is just measuring up their names or whether it should be – whether I should name my child after a Patreon subscriber. Well, we said already a little while ago that if you end up picking a name that a listener has or a Patreon subscriber has, that there'll be, I don't know, we'll work out something. Yes. There has to be some sort of little treat. Yes.

Other than just being immortalized into podcast history. I mean, that's a pretty good treat. That's a pretty good treat. Yeah. Maybe if I call my child Broadbent. Change my kid's last name to Broadbent. That's not bad. Yeah. I really child Broadbent. Change my kid's last name to Broadbent. That's not bad. I really like Broadbent.

You do? Yeah. After the actor Jim Broadbent? He's an English actor, isn't he? He might be able to be on the pod in London. Maybe, yeah. I don't know who he is, but sure. I'm game.

You're what? I'm game. Right. Okay. Well, we know who he is, but sure. I'm game. You're what? I'm game. Right. Okay. Well, we can look that up. Still man. We can look that up. We can look that up.

See, there is an idea. Actors. We don't necessarily have to have a comedian. If we have two comedian guests and an actor. We've had a couple of good actors on the program. Yes. They've been very, very fun. Yes.

They get it. actors on the program who've been very fun. They get it. I also like this name because I was in a play where the character that I played had the last name Broadbent.

Oh, right. Good memories of being in a play. Yeah. Right. Did you like being in the play? I did. I loved being in the play. Not a play again.

The play that I co-wrote and co-starred in. And so you came up with the name Broadbent? I believe it was the guy that I wrote it with that came up with that name. Oh, you co-wrote a play and then you didn't even come up with your own name. Yeah. That's weird. What were you coming up with?

All the dialogue. Oh, okay. All the bloody... He was more of a namer. I picked the town name. Oh, what was the town name? No, I can't remember. I don't think...

Broadbent City. I don't know that we... I don't know if the town had a name? No, I can't remember. I think, I don't think. Broadbent City. I don't know that we, I don't know if the town had a name or not. I can't remember. So what did you do? What do you mean? Well, you said, I said, what did you do in this thing? You said, come up with the name of the play or the name of the town, and then you don't have a name.

Came up with some bits of dialogue. We worked out the plot together. I think you would find this is common of most people that have written things collaboratively, Carl. They don't remember every specific exact thing that they came up with. It doesn't ring true to me. Thanks, Ella. Thanks, Ella.

I will take that under consideration, both of your names. If we do a sequel to this play that I was in, we'll call a long-lost granddaughter Ella in your honour. Yes. Very good. All right. This is going way too long, obviously. I believe guests are going to be here in potentially 15 minutes.

Yeah. And I don't have any beer or food. And I've got to wash the dishes as well. Fucking hell. What were you doing for the three hours it took me to get back here? Well, I didn't know it was going to take that long.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was, you know what I was doing? I was doing what you're looking at right now. Oh, yeah, bags and bags and merch. Putting fucking names

on post bags of the, and we should mention this, the magazine that the Patreon subscribers get every month emailed to them. We made a compilation of them

and they are for sale on our website, sort of, on our big cartel page. Yep. And so a lot of people have bought that. So it's been a lot of me watching sport on TV and mindlessly addressing things and watching sport. So, yeah, feel free to keep doing that. It is a bit of a pain in the ass, but happy to do it.

Not happy, but will do it. Happy to reap the rewards of having done it. Happy to keep the power on in this house thanks to you doing that. And it's a circle of life there. But we'll do one more of these. And we've got to get out of here. I've got to go and buy some fucking beer. You've got to fire up the old barbecue.

Yes. Get the snags cooking. Yes. And I'm looking forward to that. Are you going to go out after? Yes. Okay. I think so.

What time? I'll probably... I know I'm on third at this gig. Right. So I could be back here at like nine. Well, when are you going to leave here? Like now? I reckon I'll just leave now.

Oh, really? Yeah. I need to work out what I'm doing at this gig. Yeah are you going to leave here? I reckon I'll just leave now. Oh, really? Yeah. I need to work out what I'm doing at this gig. Yeah, but that gig's ages away. It's three hours away. Yeah. Yeah, I want to go

and shower and stuff. Okay. Okay. All right. I'm going to come back at the end anyway, so it's just me staying here for the very beginning.

Well, you could help me come and get some beer and food. Yeah, I can do that. Do you not have the car? Yeah, maybe I do. Genuinely, there'd be people who are loving this. Yes.

This glimpse behind the curtain. It's pretty good. Yeah. I'll post the shopping list later. So, all right. Let's get out of here. Let's do the last one. All right.

Thank you to Patreon and subscriber. Oh, okay. I had this Hark Spect. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. Oh, okay. I just harked back to something you talked about earlier. Oh, yeah? What is it? How many is this, by the way? This is the fifth one. Okay.

This week. Right. All up, I'm not sure. Right. But this week, the fifth one. Okay. Out of five. Right.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber Fonzie Comedy. Right. In what way does that hark back to what we were talking about earlier? But thank you to Patreon subscriber Fonzie Comedy. Right. In what way does that hark back to what we were talking about earlier? This guy sounds like he's a leather jacket guy. Oh, okay. Yeah. Right.

I get it now. Yeah. Yes, yes. Was there anyone else? Was there any other characters in your play with the last name? You had Broadbent. Was there anyone with the last name Longbow? Was there anyone called that? That would be a good last name.

No, great drink, though. You should get some of those for the barbecue. Great. Funny stuff. Thanks, everyone. LittleDumbDumbClub.com. See you in London. Bye.