The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 435 - Tom Ballard & Sonia Di Iorio

Episode Date: February 5, 2019

We're recording late on a Sunday night with TOM BALLARD and SONIA DI IORIO and we've got the full spread: tipsy, hungover, dusty and sober. We delve into our individual chequered pasts as home wreckers, hear about Chandler's old fridge, Sonia drops a bombshell on Tommy PLUS there's another potential hair-brained business venture in the works for us!Don't forget, we have a heap of live shows coming up: BRISBANE! You guys are awesome so we're coming back. March 17, 4pm. CANBERRA! We're back for one night only. March 23, 5pm. MELBOURNE! We're doing another month of huge shows at the Comedy Festival. Saturday March 30, April 6, April 13 & April 20, 4:30pm. We're also doing an extra show: Late Night Dum Dum. Friday April 5, 11:55pm. KOH SAMUI! Come join us for a huge week of shows at an amazing resort. June 11 - 16.For tickets, merchandise, links to our Patreon and heaps of other stuff, head to our website: littledumdumclub.com  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode featuring guests Tom Ballard and Sonia D'Orio. But first of all, we've got to let you know about some big live dates that we have coming up. Saturday, March the 17th, we're up in Brisbane at the Woolly Mammoth Bar. Huge live podcast, great special guests. What we need to say about that one is, we've been saying it's a standing gig. I've been told that we do have a fair bit of seating there as well. So it might be a bit of a first in best dress if you want to get a seat. And maybe we might set something up on the social medias about, you know,

if you desperately need seating, if you're of a certain persuasion where you can't be standing up for an hour, we might sort something out. What persuasion is that? Well, look, you're differently abled or a bit older. I think it's just a phase that they're going through. Yeah, yeah. You'll get over it. You'll get over not being able to stand. Yep. Then,

the following weekend, we are up in Canberra, our nation's capital, March the 23rd. Big Life Podcasts. Again, great special guests for that one. And me doing my solo show that same night at about 9pm,m., I think. Tickets for that are, of course, at the website.

Then following that, the next week we start our big residency of shows in Melbourne, Big Life Podcast, 4.30 p.m. at the European Beer Cafe, Saturdays. You know the drill by now. Great special guests every week. March 30, April 6, April 13, April 20. Yep, yep. March 30, the first one, that's my birthday. So that'll be fun.

Great. Happy birthday. Thank you. Just getting it out of the way early. Not now. Save it, mate. So we'll have something to say at the top of the show. So then, of course, we – and what you can do is you get a super pass at our website,

which means you can get all four of them for heaps cheaper. Pass at our website, which means you can get all four of them for heaps cheaper. Plus, that does guarantee you a $5 entry to the drunk cast on April the 21st on the Sunday night on a long weekend. So that'll be heaps of fun. Plus, we have a late night show at midnight on the Friday night of April the 5th. Yeah. So all those details are at the website. Then we've got Koh Samui. Also, we've got, as we've announced, we've got England coming up.

We've got London. Yeah, yeah. That is not on sale quite yet. Hopefully that will be on sale ASAP. May the 5th, I believe. So all you beef eaters out there, keep a look at the socials. Keep your eyes peeled to the website and stuff because hopefully a ticketing link going up very soon.

Yep. Of course, you're in Melbourne. Tommy, you're doing your solo going up very soon. Yep. Of course, you're in Melbourne. Tommy, you're doing your solo stand-up show? Yep. My show is on for the entire comedy festival. It's called Balding Cherub. It's going to be a lot of fun.

Thanks to everyone who's bought a ticket already. Get into that now. Yeah, really looking forward to doing that show. And you have a little experimental avant-garde project that you're doing. A little off-Broadway production I'm doing. The beat poetry of Carl Chandler. Yeah. So after every podcast that we do, live podcast that we do on the Saturday at 4.30, I am doing a show at quarter to six straight afterwards.

So if you want to hang around and see more fucked up shit, I'm doing four shows only. They're all different. It's a lot looser. It's the stuff that you tend to like from me. There's jokes, but there's also heaps of fucked up stuff. So that'll be on sale as this episode comes out. So go to the website to get tickets to any or all of that stuff,

including, after all, that Koh Samui. If you're listening to this hot off the audio presses, you have but, I think, like a week, week and a half to get the best possible deal you can get at the Ozo Choeing Samui. Rates will go up a little bit after that, but this is the best possible, cheapest rate you can get for the week there in Koh Samui. Yeah, get on it, guys.

Little dumdumclub.com for tickets to all of that stuff that we have just mentioned. We will see you at the end of this episode for another edition of Talking Dum Dum, where we read out names of people who subscribe to us on Patreon, which you are more than welcome to do if you enjoy the show. But this is a really fun one, isn't it? Yeah, this is a great episode. Enjoy this episode with Tom Ballard and Sonia Diorio.

Come on, Carl. Come mates, welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Daslow and with me as always, the other half of the show, wake on up, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. He's back. I'm here. He's a very hungover boy. Get these guests in. Yeah, okay. All right. Wow, he's cranky.

Don't focus on me. Okay. Don't focus on the hungover host. Focus on the drunk guests. Yeah, absolutely. Joining us today, Tom Ballard and Sonia Diorio. We've done it again. A gay man and a woman.

Are we getting some sort of council grant for this? Don't spend so much energy up front. You're going to need to pace yourself for the preceding hour. Wow. Following hour. Which one am I? You're the lady. Oh, fuck.

She's allowed to be whatever she wants. Okay, sorry. Sorry, what do you identify as? What do you want to be? A gay man. Woman. I've got to be truthful. I've got to be honest.

Very big of you. Nice. So what have we got? We've really got the spread at the moment, haven't we? We've got a hungover man. We've got a drunk young man. Where are you? Oh, I'm feeling fucking fresh

You're fresh? Nice, can you really do a lot in this episode? You're going to have to cart this Women can do heavy lifting as well I'm sort of in the middle I had a couple last night So I'm not feeling as fresh as I could be What were their names?

Very nice Sit over there and sober up for a bit. Sorry, everyone. A glass of water and a hot towel. Do you want a Barocca? What? What happens when you have a Barocca mid-being drunk? Mid-being drunk.

If you do that, if you drink a Barocca right before you go to bed, it's a very good preventative hangover cure. Yes, but what happens in the middle? I can only imagine even better. Right. Because you're doing it even earlier in the night. It just sucks the alcohol

out of it. It's like a counterpunch. Yeah. Every beer you have another couple of Barocca and you're just a normal. What if you spike the Barocca?

Chuck some vodka in there. See, that's... You're an alcoholic. We should do that. We should do that now and figure out what happens. You start drinking that now and we find out by the end of the episode.

Then let's give a panadol to a seagull. Just see what fucking happens. This is like the lamest Mythbusters ever. We don't even have a hypothesis that we're working towards. It's just what would happen if you put a chocolate bar up your ass? Let's just do hugely visual tricks from YouTube on an audio format. Let's stick a Mentos in a Pepsi right now, guys. You're confusing Mythbusters with Jackass.

Yeah. But they could really – Mythbusters could push it a bit more if they wanted to. That would be good if Mythbusters did go, what if we did all the Jackass tricks but not in a funny way? More things up people's arses on Mythbusters. Will you die? Would a normal person die doing all the stuff from Jackass? Yeah.

And they start at trick one, season one, episode one, and they find out the answer is yes. Yeah. The end of Mythbusters. Yeah. They don't do any more because there's no more hosts left. Yeah. We'll keep this tight tonight, guys,

because Tom Ballard's been at a function and he wants to very badly get back to that function to meet new people. Right. Okay. Interesting. Interesting. at a function and he wants to very badly get back to that function to... Meet new people. Right, okay. Interesting. I was at a gay event where I was hosting...

An actual... An actual gay event. Wow. Imagine. What's that like? It's the best. Right. And I don't know,

I just feel like there's going to be some people I can meet back there. You know, Sonia? Yeah. You know when you meet new people? Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you say meet back there...

Yeah. I want to get their meat back there. Yeah, they're... Right, right, right. If I find that people I can meet back there. You know, Sonia? Yeah. You know, you meet new people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you say meet back there. Yeah. I want to get their meat back there. Yeah, there you go. Right, right, right. By that I mean my ass. Right, right. Okay, well, now I get it. I'm glad I can put it in terms you understand.

It's mid-summer, all right? It's an important time for my people. Yeah, sorry. What's the event? The event was a live podcast, I imagine. Wow. Someone else's podcast, I was the host. I came out, introduced

them, they did the Q&A at the end. Right. So you want to go back to meet someone. Meet new people. Can we come? Yes. And what's his... Oh, wait. What? Makes no sense. So you're hungover. You had a big old gig last night.

Yeah, I went drinking. I think it was my last drink for a while. Before the baby arrives. There is a baby on its way. And I was at one stage, my wife rang me last night and was like, oh, something's... Oh, I know. I feel something's happening.

Like it's not right. Something's... I don't know what's going to happen. And I was like, I'm really drunk. You might have to handle this on your own. Oh, man. If that baby had a sense of humour, it'd be like, no, I'm coming out right now.

Oh, God. That's good all happened, isn't it? People, like, delivered while their dads were just rip-roaring. Oh, 100%. Totally. And I was sitting there thinking, what's going to happen when, like, all of a sudden I have to say, sorry, you're going to have to get an Uber to the hospital.

I'm going to need to get a kebab on the way. Yeah, yeah. And I turn up with a six-pack going, it's the only way I'm going to stay up. That's horrible. I imagine if you're giving birth, you'd already be furious with everything. The man who's in the room, just like

fuck you, I'm in the worst pain you did this to me, let alone if you're fucking pissed if he's there just going come on baby and she's like cut the umbilical cord, you're just sticking scissors into my leg, what the fuck are you doing

are you doing? Are you going to do that? I watched, I was re-watching Friends recently. And Chandler got to cut the... Sorry. A very good question. They think very highly of your folk, don't they? On that show. Oh my lord.

Every second episode. Imagine being gay for 20 minutes. You know that great episode, the one where imagine if you put your dick up a bun. The one where faggots. But Chandler cuts the umbilical cord when Monica gives birth. I always think about that. Do they actually give you the scissors and do that?

Apparently that's what's happening, yeah. They give it to competent people. Maybe not everyone. They're giving me the plastic scissors i think yeah training scissors yeah yeah they need a breathalyzer yeah when your wife's giving birth i wonder what they because i mean you're in hospital so surely that's a that's happened to be they're all medical professionals there's surely a way of dealing with people like me. Yes. Some sort of medical way of... Abortion.

Escorting. No, now. Oh, I see. Yeah, you're right. I mean, emergency rooms and people coming in on Saturday at 2am with just all manner of drunken accidents that they've done. Yep. Must be...

That must be like a year of training in itself, just how to deal with fucking drunkenness. Big difference between that and in the maternity ward. When a man is about to bring a child into the world. I had a slab and slipped and fell on a candlestick. And also, my wife's giving it to me. Is there some

wing where we can just have all of these taken care of at once? Why did you put a condom on the candlestick? No reason. Because I don't want to have a baby candlestick. No reason. Because I don't want to have a baby candlestick. Because I messaged you, because I think we talked last week about how at the moment, yeah, it's you're getting close to the baby being born. So you've been out a lot.

You've been a little party boy recently. Yes. And I messaged you something this morning and it took hours to get a response and i was like he's either asleep and hung over or it's happening he's at the hospital yeah yeah no that was i remember talking to you and my wife came in and i was like i reckon it's the most hungover i've been for a long time she was just talking to me and i'm like nah i, I reckon I'm – I don't think I'm going to make it to be a dad. I think I'm going to die before that. This kid's going to be a half-orphan. Damn.

So I then passed out again. Yeah, right, right. But, yeah, like last night. So she's – Because we had this organised and it was like in the morning that I just wasn't hearing from you and I was like, fuck, maybe he's – maybe it's happening and going like, well, what's going to happen

to the podcast tonight drag Carl just drags the equipment into the delivery room I thought about it we're doing it here guys

I was like excited I was like knowing you there'd be some harebrained way where you'd be like alright I can slip out for 44

we'll have to do a shorter episode 45 minutes bring the gear here into the hospital it's not far away from here yeah I know you told me it's really close i imagine just hey mate but i also love the idea of like that you know i i go cool let's just do it i'll pop out for 45 minutes we'll do it in the waiting room but then we don't book our guests that far in advance yes you know sonja i get along with sonja i don't know sonja super well but all of a sudden

i'm saying can you come to the birth of my child and just, if you can bring a story as well, that would be great. Well, you've actually really thought this through. Dude, cancel the fucking podcast. You've got to be prepared. I thought you were going to say baby, but yeah, right. These things have to come out every Wednesday. People want this on a Wednesday.

Yeah, we'll never hear the end of it. The temper tantrum we would have to deal with if we missed a week, even for the world's best excuse, there would be plenty of people that would be lenient, but a lot of them would be like, not fucking good enough cunts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Will Anderson doesn't have fucking babies on Wednesdays. I'm listening to him from now on.

Fuck this. How long after she has the baby is she allowed to get drunk? Because she would have had ages off the booze. Yes, but she's not a big drinker. It's fucked. You can't drink for ages. Really? Well, you can't drink when you're breastfeeding.

Oh, breastfeeding. Really? Dude, have you read anything about being a parent? I really haven't. Have you started the course that Cody got you? No. Yeah, it's one you might not have noticed. Nick Cody bought him parenting classes. I didn't buy him. off offered and sent it along when i'm booking this in it's for you and

i was like no that's all right well were you insulted no i no it wasn't i mean it was nice it's a nice intention yeah and it's fine and i think like i've been to classes and stuff already and what i took the grade four oh no what happened it comes out the hole yeah yes um just classes i went to maths yeah i get it i went to woodwork one boy plus one girl equals one baby i get it yeah and no other combinations yeah look i just keep thinking you know what stone age people proc procreated, had babies. They handled it. They didn't go to classes. Stone Age people.

That's a good bar that you've set yourself there. Yeah. Fred and Wilma had pebbles. I'll be able to handle this. That was a documentary, right? Pebbles is a good name. Bringing back a name from the Flintstones. Yes.

Gender neutral, too. Pebbles could be either way. Or Bam Bam if it's a boy. Yeah. Bam Bam Chandler would be sick. Fuck yes. That's not giving that kid

much of a chance in life but it sounds cool. Yeah. It sounds so cool. Fuck, alright. I'll make a note. I did ask my wife about sneaking in

because I was thinking sneaking in the middle name Samui. Oh no. Apparently a no. Apparently a no. She wasn't into it no not into it apparently of course a fucking no that's nice though it's okay i like i like the idea of sneaking in something that's just written on a birth certificate like what you put it in smaller font or in brackets or something if you you know there's you meet people all the and you wouldn't know people's middle names.

If you've got three middle names and that's one of them, it hardly ever comes up unless you bring your passport out or anything like that. I think if I had the middle name Samui, I'd leave with it. To start off the conversation of, check out how fucked my parents were. Yeah, so no, I've just left my house.

You were saying you were insulted by being offered classes. I just left my house then and I played indoor soccer. Then I came home to change and whatever and get ready for this. And as I was there, I came in and my wife had got her parents' friends that don't even speak English to come over and set up... Yuck! To come over and set up our cot and everything like that.

Right. Wait, how did they set up the cot if they don't speak English? But it was like they... Italian? Yes. Yuck! Sorry, Sonia and Tommy. Sorry, Sonia and Tommy.

Maybe like, hey, why is there pizza sauce all over the crib? My wife got migrant labour to set up the cart and crib and all that sort of stuff. So that's all done now because she clearly didn't trust me to do it. Yeah. Which is completely fair because it's all been sitting there for months and I haven't done anything. Did it look difficult to set up? For me, yes. Okay.

Yeah. It was – but, yeah, she was just raving going, he did it in like five seconds. It's so good. He's so good at this stuff. I think you're about to get cucked by a migrant. Oh, wow. By a 60-year-old dude that can't speak English.

Very nice. Yeah. So that's done. So if he can come over and help teach the child. Raise the child. Yeah, that'd be really good. Or we could get him in to do a podcast in your place while you're in the birthing suite.

That's cool. You have a bilingual child. If he raises it. Yeah, yeah. But see, I've talked about this. My wife has got Italian blood, but I don't know if she'd be like you, Sonia. Where'd she get it from? I don't know if she'd be like you, Sonia.

So do you speak any Italian? Yes. How much? My grandmothers, both of them, and one of them's been here for over 50 years. They don't speak English. Right. Yeah. They've been here for 50 years? Yeah, yeah. Wow. Yeah yeah they're like that dude who came and set up your cot yeah right yeah right

um but he's been here for like one year so he's got an excuse yeah he's got an excuse they fucking don't should fucking get out of my country yeah they're just dumb no um no yeah yeah so we speak... They're very stupid people. They are both mute and... So you know Italian just so you can converse with them. I don't know, I guess. Yeah, but they speak like dialect, which is like not proper Italian. Right.

What does that mean, not proper Italian? Like so every little town or region has their own kind of slang. Right. And that sort of thing. That's weird, isn't it? Because you don't really have that here. Like, I don't speak different from Melbourne people just because I'm from Miraburra.

No, but this... You do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You might. Yeah, but Australia was colonised. Right, okay. It was the dance and dance thing. Right, okay. That's our version of it. Yeah But Australia was Colonised Right Okay It was the dance

And dance thing Right Okay That's our version What region is Anyway Hey Oh

Forget about it What region's that from Dude That's fucking All throughout Italy Right Everyone will know that

Say that in Rome They'll love you Really Say that in Yeah You can get away with that Everywhere Yeah I'll try it on Yeah Well I was out Last night as well Having drinks Say that in Rome, they'll love you. Really? Say that in, yeah. You can get away with that everywhere. Yeah, I'll try it on.

Yeah. Well, I was out last night as well having drinks. I caught up with a friend of mine, Chuck, and a friend of ours. I just should say very quickly the last tale bit on that bit from last night. So I was very drunk. I don't remember getting home. And then, so my wife's been, we're getting close. We're getting close to the time where it's all going to happen.

And so she gets very warm during the night and has to go out into the lounge room and lie on the couch where the fan is and stuff like that. But she couldn't do that last night because there was a passed out 42-year-old man on the couch. So she just had to suffer and be hot in the bedroom last night. Oh, my God. Yeah. Why did you cut me off to tell this horrible story?

You look like a monster. Hang on. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I just want to bring up a race crime I committed two weeks ago. Because you're going to talk about some boring story about going out and fucking buying a kebab and dropping it, and that's the fucking punchline. So I thought I'd bring up this thing that everyone would laugh at.

Bring up the worst thing that you did. Hang on. I forgot the worst bit. Why didn't she wake you up? Oh, she would not have been able to wake me up. Like, I didn't wake up until nine or ten this morning, and our cat goes crazy. So that cat would have been sitting there for an hour

trying to wake me up, and even the cat would have given up. I was fucking gone. And you have no cooling system in your bedroom? It's just a hot bedroom for some reason. That's what I've

heard. Yeah, well, there's a big bit of evidence coming up very soon. There's a boy named. Yeah.

Evidence. Exhibit A, Shankler. Sorry, let's get off my very funny story that everyone laughed at and get back to what Tommy did last night. Oh, the fucking pressure's on.

So you're reading this command. Yeah, I had drinks with a couple of friends and we start going about ten. We're like, hey, let's get our friend Drew down here. And my friend Chuck, who was with us, goes, oh, yeah, I'll give him a call. And so gets him on the phone and I watch this exchange happen where Chuck's on the phone and he goes, hey, yeah, I'll give him a call. And so gets him on the phone, and I watch this exchange happen where Chuck's on the phone and he goes, hey, man, I'm just here with Tommy and Ray.

Do you want to come down and meet us for a beer? Yeah? Yeah? Oh, you're staying in? You sure? Come out. Just come out. All right, fair enough.

All right, see you, mate. And hangs up and he's like, he's not coming out. We're like, oh, that's a shame. Anyway, Chuck just tells me before he gets up this morning, he sends Drew a message and he goes, hey, man, sorry for calling you so late. If you were just in, like, I might have woken you up. I should have just sent you a text.

And Drew goes, what are you talking about? He goes, I called you and was trying to get you down to the pub. And he goes, you didn't call me. I, oh, I haven't told you. I've changed my number recently. So Chuck has just spoken to some random guy who just has our friend's old number. That might have been me.

Now, I'm not saying I in any way know the correct way to act in any setting. But if it's 10pm on a Saturday night, I get a call from a number I don't have and it's someone I've never heard of in my life trying to get me down to the pub. I go, nah, man, you've got the wrong number. Like this guy just sat on the line and had the conversation. Yeah, that's good.

I think I would have gone. I would have gone to find out who these people are. Disappointing that he got that, like he just went with it and then didn't end up going, well, I might as well, you know, I'll see what happens here. I wonder how many calls you'd have to make to get someone down. Like if me and you had a drink tonight and we went, right, let's put random numbers in and have the same conversation and just see how many times. Come have a beer.

Yeah, okay. See, like, both of us do it at the same time and see who wins. That's great. Yeah. That's actually great. Come down. Come down to the Pullman. Yeah.

We'll have a couple of quick vodka sodas. Yeah. Are you in? And also, who are you? Yeah. It's like dinner for schmucks, but we're the schmucks. Yeah, yeah. Because we have nothing better to do than just fucking prank call random numbers.

It's not really a prank when you're inviting them to something good, though, is it? So you'd let them know that you don't know them? No, I think you do that. What if they're a psycho? Come on down. They're a psycho. You're calling random numbers, inviting strangers out. What if this person's weird?

go, you're calling random numbers, inviting strangers out. What if this person's weird? The problem is, though, you're putting a mobile number in, which that could be anywhere in the country. So the odds of you just narrowly getting a guy that's around the corner. Oh, the old days of the 03. I know. Yeah, you could rule them out. Because you could just kind of work roughly through,

like if you were just calling a home phone. But then the only person that's going to pick up that has one of them is like an 80-year-old. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. So that's not really going to work. You could bring up like businesses and just say, what are you doing after work? Why don't you come down?

Yeah. So now you're doing this during the day. Come have a beer. It's midday. Oh, what are you, soft? 4.30 when productivity's down and people are just watching the clock and you'll get them at a weak moment. What do you reckon?

5 o'clock? 5.30, come down to mine. Let's have a beer. Yeah. It would have to be if you were like really wealthy. You call someone, you call a mobile number Friday afternoon at 4 and you go, where are you? If you meet me at the pub in your town at 5pm, at 6pm,

I'm flying there now. What if it's in Perth? You won't make it. No, you'd gain time, though. You could make it. Oh, yeah. Fuck. Have I ever told the story of my brother's AFL grand final party?

Wait, wait, wait, let me finish. And then I go to kebab and drop. He started again. That was good. The master. Great save. Have I ever told that story on the podcast? I don't think so.

My brother had a weird... I've never listened to this show though. I'm Tom. My brother had a very weird housemate. He was just in Melbourne for like six months and they got this housemate in the end. And this guy called James, nudist, brilliant. They found out halfway through living with him,

they came home and he was naked. And he said, oh yeah, this is what I do when you guys are away. Anyway, my brother and his girlfriend organise a grand final AFL viewing party. Ask James for permission. We're going to have some people over, watch the game. James says, yep, no worries, that's fine. Then on the day,

Gavin and my brother and his girlfriend's friends are rocking up and they're turning up to the the party and then every now and again a random man will show up at the party hello hey i'm here for the party and gals like oh hi i guess you're a friend of james come on in that's fine then this happens a lot to the point where there's about seven or eight single random men arriving who don't seem to know Gavin or any of the situation whatsoever and they find out that James had posted

the grand final party on a gay singles meetup website and not informed Gavin and his girlfriend and so the entire AFL party was filled with random single gay men who did not know each other

and did not know Gavin and Jess and who had not brought any food whatsoever and were helping themselves to the situation and then you know Gavin and Jess, and who had not brought any food whatsoever, and were helping themselves to the situation. And then you turn up. And then I turn up. Oh, Gav.

I'm here to meet some people. This is awkward. You're gay, Gav? Sorry, Gavin, I'm here to provide the halftime entertainment. So it was just like me and my brother's girlfriend, and couple of our friends, like three of their friends on the couch filled with just all these single gay men like meeting each other and stuff. And one dude's trying to crack on to my brother. Oh, my God.

Fucking the balls of that. Damn. Did you pick up? No. What? No, it was awful. You didn't pick up with all these hundreds, I'm assuming, of random gay men arriving?

I didn't want to endorse or be part of it. None of them were hot. Wow. There we go. There we go. I also love the limit on this story where you're like, a guy turns up and then another guy turns up and it just keeps happening.

Guys just keep turning up. Anyway, by the end, there's seven people. Nice to know that that's the limit of putting an AFL party on a gay singles meetup website. Just seven of us are interested. We should change our attitude towards Adelaide live shows like that. Instead of complaining, we should be like, oh, then this guy turned up, then this guy turned up, then this guy.

We had seven people at our live pool. All of a sudden, before you know it, the front row was half full. Maybe you should just post a podcast on a gay single website. That would be pretty awesome. We should do an Adelaide show where we just put it on a bunch of meet-up groups and stuff. We don't sell tickets to listeners. We just get whoever the fuck is bored in that city to come along. Just ring up random numbers in Adelaide.

I think we could be gay icons. Yeah? What? What do you think, Tom? Yeah. Sure, why not? Yes, there we go. There we go.

That's all we needed to hear. I had a housemate. I think I mentioned him once. I don't think I went into it too much. But my last housemate before I moved in with my now wife, fucking hell, it was the reason that I was like, right, I'm glad to move in with my girlfriend. Like,

I do not want to share. The only reason. Yeah. It was a good push. It was a good little final push. And I was like, if it works out, you know,

hopefully it works out, living with my girlfriend, but fuck, I'm not going back to share house living with this guy. He was so, he was like,

I don't know what his story is now, but the whole time I was like, this guy has a girlfriend and she is in for a rude shock in a couple of years. Right. He would come home and be making buttons in the middle of the night. Classic gay move, obviously. One of many giveaways.

With small birds and mice helping him put it all together as well. What dialect is this that you're doing right now? He moved in and without asking, he completely... Sorry, sorry, sorry. I've got to back up here. When you say making buttons, what do you mean? Do you mean like badges? Badges, yeah.

I did for a moment thought you meant like the type on a shirt. Right, right, right. What did the button say? I am gay. Don't tell my girlfriend. Don't tell my girlfriend, yeah.

Chandler hasn't read any of that on the badge. He's just like, look at this homo. Getting them made up. So he did that. When he moved in he completely redecorated

the whole house great okay head to toe with all of his stuff and so the only thing in the main room was this mini bar fridge

that I still had there that he was like it was literally the only thing of mine in the living room after all that and like

if there was something he didn't like he'd like move it into my bedroom like I'd just come home and there'd be something in my bedroom. I'm like, what the fuck's this here?

So the one thing that was left was a minibar fridge. The minibar fridge is a classic single guy purchase. Yeah. That he's gotten rid of immediately once you move in with a partner. Yes. So it was there. It was the one thing that wasn't his. And so he just focused on it every day.

He'd be like, so why is that there? And I'm like, it's there because it's not anywhere else. I'm not going to hide it in my room. It can be there. It's fine. And he's like, nah, yeah. Well, if it's not plugged in, there's another fridge. Why don't you just get rid of it?

And I'm like, I reckon I'll probably do what I want with it. I reckon it'll probably sit there if I want it to sit there. So it's not even in use. No. Right. No. I am so with this guy. I want it to sit there. So it's not even in use. No. Right. No. I am so with this guy. I'm with this guy too.

He's hitting his thing with the fucking Kim Beam logo on the door of it. But wait, he's allowed to redecorate the whole, everything of his is all around. This is the worst episode of Queer Eye. Yeah, yeah. I can't keep my one fridge that I won in a competition from FHN. This is straight eye for the queer guy. Brilliant.

This is me against him. But it's just you being combative. So it's not you changing anything about his life. It's like, I refuse. This stays. That would be a great show for guys who are in the closet. Like just straight guys come over and go, okay, right. If you want people to not know, just throw your clothes everywhere.

Leave that fridge there. And just treat women like shit. You'll be fine. Yes. This guy also, he used to keep me up at night a lot by... Fucking men. No.

Not conclusively. I don't know. Stop making buttons in there. Oh, yeah. Punch it in. Punch it in. This is the best episode of Friends I've ever had. He woke me up several times by crying on the phone,

talking to someone for not dancing with him at a party. It was fucking weird. Anyway, so this fridge. Again, I'm with you, Sonia. I'm still with this guy. That rules. This fridge. This fridge, right.

So he would ask me nearly every day about it. And I'm like, man, well, this is the hill I die on. It's fucking not going anywhere. The more you ask, the more it's staying. So then me and you went and did a live podcast in Perth or something like that. We came back. Fridge is gone. And I'm like, and I didn't notice for a couple of days.

And then I went, hang on a minute. Why are my drinks warm? Why are all these fruit juices out on the ground? Why is there ice cubes just on the ground? Ice cubes? Yeah. You mean a puddle of water. Yeah.

This, that conversation didn't actually happen. So anyway, so I go, where's my fridge? Where'd the fridge go? And he goes, oh, someone just came around and was like, oh, I wish I had a fridge. And I was like, oh i've got one and i just i just gave it to them and i was like what you gave away my fridge oh yeah yeah i thought you'd think it was okay i'm like oh the same fridge that we've been arguing over for a year you thought it'd be okay even though i've been saying for a year no it's staying there that it should go to someone else now. And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah,

they just really needed a fridge. So I go to move out. For a closeted gay man, he's a terrible liar. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You've got to get better at that. Exactly. He just piffed it. He just chucked it out.

Brilliant. So at the end, I was like, when I moved out, I just was like, so when's his fridge coming back? And then it just turned into, oh, yeah, I don't know where that guy is anymore. Or he moved house. Or, oh, yeah, I'm not really sure.

What the fuck is wrong with you? It's never left me. And I'm so fucking mad with this guy still now. Although I would like to know if he's come out yet. I would like to know that. If you got the fridge back, would you move out from your wife? And back into single living? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the one thing I'm come out yet. I would like to know that. If you got the fridge back, would you move out from your wife and back into single living? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's the one thing I'm holding out for. Yeah. You've got to find out what he sitches. What he did. And if he's single. And not only that. You could have saved money on getting a crib if you had a small fridge to put the baby in. Yeah. Tip it upside down.

Tip it on the side. Tip it on the side, yeah. So none of that. So this guy pissed me off so much. He did all these things that were so annoying. And then I know someone who came up to me one time and goes, hey, did you used to live with such and such, this guy? And I said, yeah.

And he goes, oh, man. Ha ha, real funny. And I'm like, what's so funny? He goes, oh, I got the lowdown on you. He said, you're a real bad housemate. You cunts. What? Because I fucking would walk out in the middle of the night and go,

can you stop crying and making buttons at 3am? I'm trying to sleep I mean kind of, yes Can you stop crying? Did he do both? Was he making the buttons while crying on the phone? I'm not sure if he ever doubled up Get him on the phone guys

It got me so fucking mad Did the guy tell you Why he said That you were such a bad housemate Oh yeah I can't remember That person It's just like

The place was full of fridges Yeah Fuck I think I think one of them was He was like Actually this is the one example he gave Which was

Oh He had like Dirty dishes in is the one example he gave, which was, oh, he had dirty dishes in his room. And it's like, cunt, how do you know what's in my room? He's obviously fucking going through the place. Why does it bother you if I've got a dish on my desk with the door closed? He's perjured himself. Yeah, he's in there fucking making buttons while I'm not home. Just making buttons in every space of the house.

That's also, that person who told you that, that's a cunt act. It is. That's a shit act. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right. Because it's like betraying him and also it's like, as if you want to know, it's like everyone's probably been a bad housemate in some capacity, in some form.

Yeah. Look, it's a very, it's very interesting to hear that story. If someone says to you, do you want to hear this thing about someone else? You go, yes. But then to then go, oh, yeah, I heard that this guy's a cunt. I'm going to go up and say, guess what I heard about you from this person? You're a cunt. Yeah.

What are you getting out of that? Yeah. It's just a different mindset. Yeah. It's just a very specific personality. Yes. It's a real joker type. A real twisted individual who just wants to

cause chaos. So I was like, good, so this is the bad person in this story. Even though there's evidence that me and my housemate are bad, we found the worst one. This is how you guys patch it up. You've now got a common enemy. Right. This mutual friend who wronged you both. So were you friends with

both of them beforehand? Yes. Okay. Yes. Now, this third person wasn't an absolute stranger who only knew of me through my dirty dish. Well, you could have met him. And he hunted me down.

I've got to meet the guy behind the story. You could have met this other guy afterwards. Yeah, right. And you're like, oh, you're that fuckhead I've been hearing about for so long. Yeah, well, it does actually make me wonder how that came up in conversation to people that didn't know that they knew me. How that came up. I had, okay, so before I went overseas a few years ago,

I met this guy and we dated a bit and then I was going overseas for a bunch of times. So we're like all right whatever and he's like oh stay in touch maybe we can meet up when you get back i'm like cool i was going overseas for like four and a half months so you don't really expect you know something to happen anyway then um while i was overseas in london i met um a mutual friend, like a friend of a friend for the first time. And then I kept travelling. He came back to Melbourne, ended up, I didn't know at the time, moving in with this guy that I'd been hooking up with.

I didn't know. I come back to Melbourne. This guy gets in touch with me and he's like, oh, hey, how was your trip? Love to hear about it love to um you know hang out with you again I'm like oh that's cool you know sounds promising after such a long time anyway um then all three of us were at a gig one night and this guy that I met in London um I was like, oh, I know your housemate. And he's like, how?

And I was like, oh, like we were hooking up before he went overseas. We were kind of dating. And then I've come back and like we went on a date last week and we hooked up and stuff. He's like, oh, yeah, he's got a girlfriend. And I'm like, oh, I thought he was kidding. I'm like, are you kidding? He's like no no

i live with him and his girlfriend he lived with both of them whoa but it was just like such a coincidence that i had met this guy overseas and then in the meantime they'd moved in together otherwise i would have no idea that he had a girlfriend just so you know you've been on this podcast twice and you've told two stories where you hook up with a guy that he had a girlfriend. Just so you know, you've been on this podcast twice and you've told two stories where you hook up with a guy that already has a girlfriend. Yes! I know. As the Italians say, Mamma Mia.

I think a lot of the people that go on the show and get success is because they've got a hook for their character. I think we just found your hook. My friend has noticed that. You know, Kappa stinks, deals fat and you fuck around on blookes behind their good and bad. Me, unknowingly, unknowingly. My friend has noticed that about me before.

She's like, guys with girlfriends, that's who's into you. Right. But the guy who I was talking about last time. Well, at least you know those guys are not scared to commit. Yeah. Just not to you. Well, I don't know um the guy i was talking about last time who i said i met out and we made out and i couldn't go back to his place

because he had a girlfriend he was a chef out of he was a chef but he's like i'll give me your number and so you know i'm not rude person so i gave him his number um yeah even that fucking dirty dog never called me oh man yeah yeah that is a theme though how many off the top of your head if you had to estimate has how many times that happened to you others for the next episode yeah i just i want to know how many other people with girlfriends. Yeah. Um, probably, I don't know, maybe all of them. And I just don't fucking know. That's fair. Oh,

that's a good point. What about you, Tom? Have you ever, um, been with a guy who already had a girlfriend? Uh, no,

I don't think so. I've been a dude's first time making out with the dude. Oh, really? Um, but I don't think, you know, as far as I know, as far's first time making out with a dude. Oh, really? But as far as I know, they were never partnered. And I think every time I've slept with a guy who had a boyfriend, they had an open relationship scenario. Yeah.

Your Honor. I didn't do nothing, see? What about you? What's the question? Have you... Been with a girl that's had a boyfriend? Yes. Have you been Been with a girl that's had a boyfriend? Yes. Have you been with the other woman? I think I have.

Oh! Yes. Do tell. Yeah, I think I was. And then I was... How do I tell this? How do I tell this to make me look in a somehow good light? Redeem yourself

from the fuck story before. You're on the Dumb Dumb Club so I wouldn't worry about any of that. That horse has bolted and been

shot in the face my friend. I think I was I think you just got to lean in to the baby. There's no way around it.

Also it was a long time ago. I was just trying to remember. I went out with this girl And then she was She ended up being Like talking to her boyfriend

On While we were out And I was like Oh okay You were out on a date? Or what you thought was a date? Just drinks Just I knew this girl

Through other people And whatever I was like Oh we'll just go for drinks and stuff But did you go into it thinking Oh something could happen here? No Okay I don't think so Okay I think it was just drinks and whatever and I was like oh we'll just go for drinks and stuff but did you go into it thinking oh something could happen here no okay

I don't think so okay I think it was just drinks and then yeah then she starts talking to her boyfriend I'm like

oh right and then on the phone or in person like he was there no no no he wasn't there okay right

no on the phone and how did you know it was her boyfriend did she say she said hang on I'm just gonna make a call to my boyfriend because it wasn't a date or anything'm just gonna make a call yeah but it was my

boyfriend because it wasn't a date or anything she's oh right yeah yeah yeah yeah drinking and then i just think we got so drunk that oh that yeah i think so drunk that we ended up like making it on the ground in like in like the back of the Backyard of a shop or something Like on On like On like Backyard of a shop Yeah Yeah Yeah like

Behind a shop The car park The alleyway No no no Yeah guys You know how there's a garden Behind all of that Well you know how there's a ground

That's where I get it Yeah yeah Yeah We're at the Under the hills hoist Out the back of Target Yeah I think you do speak English Well, you know how there's a ground? That's where I get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're under the hill's hoist out the back of Target. I think you do speak English differently because you're from Barryborough. This is what I think. You've been hanging out with those ethnics too long.

Shut up for goodness sake. I love it. It was all in the middle of the night. We're on the ground. We're on the ground in the back yard of a shop. Yeah, yeah, it was on like broken a shop. It was all broken up concrete. It was all bad. It wasn't good. It was like...

It wasn't good fancy ground. No, it wasn't that common as ground. It was like old ground. Like really old ground. Is this in Ballarat? Or is this in Merrill? Minus 10 degrees. Is this in Ballarat or is this in Merrill? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so... Hold on.

Minus 10 degrees. Yeah, yeah. Middle of winter. Yeah, it was like that. Great. You've got to get the coordinates on Google Maps and put a pin in there so listeners can go and read this magical story. Put a plaque on top of that rotten old ground.

It's in Sovereign Hill. Yeah. And then after that. Maybe someone's built something on it now. Hopefully. You know how shit gets built on ancient burial grounds? Hopefully. This is even more.

Oh, shop backyard. That's valuable real estate. And they were doing nothing with it. It was really bad. Yeah, right. Wait, were you just looking around at the time and, like, this is going to waste? Or were you making out and it was so passionate you fell down onto the ground

and kept going? Oh, something. I don't remember. Was there a channel walking out, madam, beckoning towards the ground? Yeah, I don't know how we would have got there. I don't know what happened. But then the next. You would have been sitting and then it was just passionate

and falling over shortly. I can't stress how bad the ground was. I don't know where we would have even got to that bit. Bad ground. How we even got into that area. You don't have to say bad ground because if the ground was any good, it would be a floor. Yeah, right.

You know what I mean? That's fancy ground. You get upgraded into being floor. Floor is inside. Yeah, exactly. Ground is outside. But if you're good ground, you're built around get upgraded into being floor. Floor is inside. Yeah, exactly. Ground is outside. Exactly. But if you're good ground, you're built around and you're a floor.

If you made out in the middle of the MCG, you wouldn't be going, that's a bad ground. Like, that's fine. Are you kidding? You wouldn't think that's pretty cool to make out in the middle of the MCG? That's what I'm saying. It's a good ground, he's saying. I'm saying that's an example of good ground.

It's kind of in, but you've gone through a door. So it's sort, I would say that that's technically. We haven't gone through a door. I've gone through like a side alley or something. No, but I'm saying the MCG is good ground because you've gone through. I think we're arguing differently. You agree.

You both think it's good ground. I'd be more than happy to just do this for an hour. I'd be more than happy to make that on the MCG for sure. I would not be prefacing that story with going, oh, check out this shit beard. In the middle of a boxing day test. Yeah, yeah. So right on the pitch.

Yeah. On a day one pitch. So it's like extra good grounds. Very, very good grounds. Yeah, not a bad fifth day pitch where it's breaking up or anything like that. You fuck me in silly mid-off. There you go. There's a sport reference.

Go on. So then I think we went home to a floor, not a place that has a floor. Very nice. Are we talking vinyl, carpet? We went into the executive suite. Okay, all right. You're showing.

Inside. You're showing her the world. La-di-da. I bet her boyfriend didn't have an inside ground. Fucking loser. Then I think she then dumped her boyfriend the next day. What? The Chan man.

And then it was like, ah. A lot of pressure for you. Yeah. Because you're out of different types of ground you can show it. Yeah. And also I'm thinking, what sort of girl dumps her boyfriend to go out with a guy who took her onto the worst bit of ground I've ever fucking seen? She put up with that, I'm like, I've got less respect for you now.

And Ballarat, it's not like Ballarat is a massive, massive place. So surely you were familiar with how bad this particular bit of ground was before this happened. It wasn't a renowned ground. Gather round, children. It wasn't like make out point. It was like, fuck ground. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it was no lover's lane. Fuck ground. Fuck ditch. But do you think that, you know, she broke up with a boyfriend because of the amazing experience or she had the amazing experience because there were troubles in the relationship? Yeah, look, I don't know.

I don't know, but I felt like there was a bit of an expectation after that. I felt that through the various calls I got from her that I did not answer. Oh! Now here's the... Is this the bit that you were worried about how to frame? Yeah. Yeah, but... Is that it? What? Is that

the one I had time? Get a kebab in the store and drop it. It's a stat Is that it? What? Is that the one I had time? Yeah, quit your line. Get a kebab in the store and drop it. It's a stat. What do you mean? But this is good coming from you, who's just got a litany of stories about money hanging out with guys that have got girlfriends

where you're like, is that it? All you did was nearly root a chick on a fucking broken up bit of ground and then take her home and then didn't go out with her when she dumped her. I'm not used to hearing stories about white knives. What do you mean is that it? In 14 days that girl is going to give birth to little Carl Chandler. Alright?

Carl Samui Chandler. And we'll be doing it in full circle. I'm going to take her back to that broken up bit of ground. We're having an outdoor ground birth. Yeah. Or you could celebrate by making out on the floor of the hospital. Good ground. Good ground.

Clean ground. Indoor ground. The cleanest ground you'll ever see. Hospital indoor ground is the cleanest ground you'll have. Guys, call in. What's the best bit of ground you've ever seen? Oh, man, I love podcasting. The backyard of a shop

Yeah This is the best Yeah, wonderful stuff I've made out with someone who's been in a relationship Who cares? Yeah, literally, who cares? No, I do You haven't?

I've made out with someone who's in a relationship And I felt bad enough about that Yeah Yeah, but you weren't in a relationship, were you? No Well, I don't know That's on them I feel like it's like

karmically very a very bad thing to put out there you know what i mean like if you do that if you're the other person did they hit on you uh yes okay yes and you knew that from the start that they had a boyfriend yes right yes i don't know yeah it's good if you don't know if you don't know their situation with their partner you can like just not ask the question and be like, oh, they've got an open relationship. Everything's fine. It's 2019. Oh, the guy wasn't someone you knew?

No, no, not at all. She wasn't really someone I knew either. Were you drunk? Yes. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. She was very drunk.

What? Yeah, she was very drunk. Oh, my God. See, yeah, it was only making out. But you were both drunk. And I did feel bad about it the next day. But I was then trying to, I was still trying to sleep with her, even though I was like, this is bad.

But now that I've done the making out, why not just go all the way? I'm already a bad guy. And did that happen? No. No, okay. I love doing something bad and knowing it's bad and go, well, I may as well lead into this and go all the way. Just go for it.

In for a penny, in for a pound. I've been drinking a caramel milkshake and thought, well, I may as well have a cigarette. I've already come this far. I might as well eat the container. Just lead into it. Yeah. That reminds me, this is slightly different.

This does remind me of another time I was making out with a girl on the ground. Oh, my God. Is this your special move? Hey, baby, you want to take this to the ground? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. I've done a bit of, I went through, I was seeing someone for a bit who was very into public fucking. So I've done a fair bit of ground fucking.

Oh, really? Yeah. Not into it. I've done public fucking, yeah. Yeah. No. No. Because we have beds ground fucking. Oh, really? Yeah. Not into it. I've done public fucking, yeah. Yeah. No. No. Because we have beds and homes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The bed is the best ground. Now, that's a good ground. We have beds and we have homes that you wreck. Fuck off. Fuck off. The boyfriend's less likely to walk in. Hey, they hit on me.

It's true. Right? That happened to you? Hey, I'm not a drug dealer. They asked me for the drugs. I didn't offer them the drugs. This girl, we fucked in a park next to a pond once at night. And then the next day there was like a report on the news

about how the water in the pond had gotten all fucked up because what it was was some kids had like thrown some like I don't know what it was food dye or something but the colour of the pond was like all Was the pond filled with sperm? That's honest because it was the very next day Food dye? I'm like going

Did we do that? Did I bust into the pond right now and have like fucked up the whole water supply? Are all the ducks pregnant? Just a little half Tommy, half duck flock running around out there. So I did, I was making out with a girl on the ground and then we went back to her. Good ground or bad ground?

It was okay. It was all right. And we went back to her. Good ground or bad ground? It was okay. Okay. It was all right. Okay. And we went back to her place, but then, and I was like very happy, I was very pleased with myself because this young lady was very attractive, but then when we got back to her place. I'm getting holes in this story.

My CV's all right. Hey, the great man's about to get some holes as well If you know Yeah No my Ground fucking I feel like I feel like George Costanzi

I feel like Bringing up pictures going These are the girls I've been with I've I've done very well for myself over the years Just so you know I've done okay So

This girl's very attractive Believe it or not And then We get back to her place. And then, like, in the middle of making out and whatever, she was just coming up for air and then asking me about, like... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. She was...

Coming up for air. Well... From making... Anyway, yeah, yeah, from making out. Like, the gentlemanly thing of making out and whatever. My mind was racing. So while she's doing that, in between that,

she would just then start talking to me and going, yeah, yeah, yeah, I really like your friend. I might ask him out. That's awesome. She's trying to put

some good PR out there that you'll say to him really good kisser Yeah Good at kissing and you know whatever Yeah To be honest it sounds like she was trying to be clear This is just a friend thing

I'm not into you We're just making out Yeah yeah yeah sure sure But there's other ways to do it I reckon Yeah probably Then that's a very weird thing of doing In the middle of what you're doing. It's almost the least arousing thing you can do, I would say.

What did you say? I don't know about that. The least arousing thing. Well, sorry. Just like put a razor up your butt. Okay, all right. She's got you there. Let's not kink shame, okay?

Let's not yuck my yuck. You've got more history than me. A lot of things happen. That sounds like a thing we need to myth bust. On this reboot. I would say it's one of the least polite things to do. Yeah. When you're in the middle of raging hormones and things like that

and then you're just going, this is all right, but what about your mate? Would he be into this? I'm like, fucking hell. Well, you can find that out tomorrow. At the moment, we're doing this. Let's concentrate on one thing at a time. I know people say men can't multitask, and that's fair in this situation.

But girls, if you can just have the one thing going on, it would be good. And so did you then sleep together? No. No. Too much friend talk. I think I was so... Really drunk again. Right. Too much friend talk. I think I was so... Really drunk again.

Right. So much drunk. So not for not wanting to. You weren't... You didn't end it because you were like outraged. Like if you... No, no, no, no. I think I was just so drunk I didn't even try.

If Flesh had have been willing, you still would have... Has anyone ever made out with anyone sober? Yeah. All these stories are like, I'm so drunk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is... Yeah yeah that is a weird thing isn't it do you i don't know if tommy wants to bring me to bring this up i don't give a fuck one time we were out with someone we were getting food yeah and tommy said to me hey i think

he was doing this thing of like you know if you've done something embarrassing I cannot wait for this. I literally cannot wait for this. Yeah, anyway, that's all the time we've got. If you've done something... If this is going to be what I think it's going to be. Embarrassing or something like that. And you're trying to clear the air and make it not awkward, so you overtly bring it up. Tommy said to me, Hey, remember that time I hit on you at spleen?

Wasn't that funny? And I said... Did you not remember? No, I had no idea. So if he didn't bring it up, I would have had no idea. Nothing like trying to get on the front foot and then falling face first. I had no idea because I was drunk. And you knocked him back.

That's a nice ground at Spleen. Yeah, it's a nice ground. That's indoor. Isn't it a nice ground? Well, it's better than this place in Ballarat I was drunk. That's a nice ground. Yeah, it's a nice ground. That's indoor. Isn't it a nice ground? Well, it's better than this place in Ballarat I was at once. Okay, right. I have no places. It does mean that I was drunk enough to black out,

but not drunk enough to make out with John. Everyone's got a limit. But, you know, it makes sense now because I didn't have a girlfriend at the time, so I'm just not your type. Yeah, that's true. He's put that back on you. You hit on me. Very well. sense now because i didn't have a girlfriend at the time so i'm just not your type i was like what did you do like what were we were we talking about something did it he's like no i just like leaned in for yeah what the fuck that is like a bold move yeah for was i giving out a signal? I think there was a bit of a signal Oh fuck you I didn't act unless I had a multitude of signals to go on

No way Actually, if I recall that night Were you wearing a wedding ring or something? Is that why you thought you could move in or something? I feel like I was making out with someone else at the bar Don't bring that up Sonia ring or something where you is that why you thought you could move in or something i feel like i was making out with someone else at the bar maybe don't bring that up son yeah yeah that was a private moment yeah yeah oh so it was that was that the inspiration do you think you do you think tommy looked at you making out with someone else it's just like oh so she's just giving out

sessions tonight this gives me an idea yeah yeah it's like we're at Spleen, this is a sign-up night. Where do I sign up to do one of these? To be fair, I was pretty drink, so I was just giving it out to anyone. Or almost everyone. Yeah, 99.99% of the people there. I still had some standards. I did fuck the ground. Then I was like

We gotta go back To the Spleen Christmas Party Security tapes From a few years ago And just There's no There's just no signs Whatsoever

It's just me You know what Staring at myself In the bathroom For eight hours Just cooked off my head The old owner of Spleen So Comedy at Spleen

The Monday Night Gig The old owner Did used to videotape Every inch of that place What the fuck Everything was there. And he'd go back and watch it the next day and just have a good look around. Oh, no.

What a creep. Yeah, it was really... But the good thing was that sometimes it was like... Most of the time you'd go, fuck, this is weird. This is like that movie Sliver, where they're just watching videos of everyone in case someone does a route or whatever. But then very occasionally someone would like walk out with a bag

and you go, oh, my bag's missing. Someone took it like one second ago. They'd go, no worries, and run upstairs and check the tape and solve the mystery within like two minutes. Oh, that's good. You go, fuck, that's great, but we'd have more security in a dive bar than in a bank. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Very strange. He wanted to watch what was going on. Yeah, he did. And it's just like so that what i'm saying is it's definitely possible that video exists of that right that old owner just has a catalog yes in his living room he just re-watches it yeah that's the other guy you were making out with i was out the other night and i was making out with a gentleman and uh it was all fine and holes in this story too.

I was talking to him like, what do you do? He said, oh, I work for the firefighter. I was like, well, hot. And I was like, you fight fires? He said, no, I just an admin. I was like, well, don't. Just say you're a firefighter. Anyway, we're making out.

And then I see another guy that I'd made out with previously. And I wanted to make out with multiple people. So I asked the guy. What a world, Tom. Imagine. What a world. So I said. Teach me your ways. Yeah.

Maybe I should become gay. Yeah. It sounds pretty cool apart from, you know, all the people trying to kill you or whatever, but like the rest of it. Yeah, but you get to make buttons. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I asked the guy I'm making out with that night hey do you mind if i make out with that guy and he says hey if you do it i'll do it and so hang on if you do it so he was going

to make out with that guy as well he was like oh this could be a fun thing that would happen between three people right and i said cool went over to the other guy made out with him turn around the guy i'm with is furious looking at at me and just says, fuck you, and storms off. And I turned to the guy I just made out with and said, I'm sorry, I've got to go. I chased this guy down and said, what's the matter? Are you okay? What's going on? And what he'd actually said was, if you do it, I'll go.

Oh, shit. I'll do it as well. I'll go. So if he's putting it, if you do that, I'll go. And I said, shit. I'll do it as well. I'll go. So for Fuse, what he said, if you do that, I'll go. And I said, cool. So you thought he said, if you do it, I'll have a go. I'll have a go. Let's all have a go. If you have a go.

I thought that I heard a positive endorsement of me doing that activity. He was like Tommy. He thought everyone was having a go. You heard what you wanted to hear. I guess. Anyway, then I had to do a lot of backtracking and hastily. Oh, is you wanted to hear. I guess. Anyway, then I had to do a lot of backtracking and hastily...

Oh, is that what you call it? No. Oh, well. Pretty awkward. At least you make out with one person. Yeah. Must be nice. Oh, what a horrible story.

I made out with two people I found sexually attractive last night. Wah. Wah. Wah. And I did it inside on a nice floor. Fuck. That's your worst story. You're right, my life is awesome.

Then I dropped a kebab. We're nearly out of time, but I do want to bring this up because it's been on the back burner for a couple of weeks. We're talking a lot about drinking and everything in this ep. We got an email a couple of weeks ago from a listener who lives in Sweden who runs a brewery and he listens to this show. He's coming to

Koh Samui. The Koh Samui International Podcast Festival, June 11-16. Yep. He emailed us and said, I run this brewery. I want to make a beer for you guys that you designed the can of. Now we can do it in two ways.

You can do whatever you want on the can, and I can just get, like, a small batch made up. I could repurpose some, like, old stock of other beers that we have, and I could just bring some of them to Koh Samui to give to you. Or if you can control yourselves and find a way to not make the design of the can and everything completely fucked, we can get this on sale commercially across Europe. We can have a dum-dum themed beer for sale in bottle shops in Europe.

Now, look, that is amazing. That's great. But that is surely commercial suicide. Which will end in normal suicide. So he sort of was like, I think what would be cool is if we make it a thing that, you know, we make it look sort of palatable enough. How is anyone, like,

you can't just bring beer into people's shops and make them sell it. Who is voluntarily buying in duck sandwich lager? Whatever. Definitely the name. I think we could do it in a way what I think would be awesome would be we do it in a way where regular people could just buy it. Would just be interested in buying it. We make the whole look of it pop enough.

But then for anyone who knows what it is, it's a nice little treat. You know, I'm going to Europe after we do this pod in London. I love the idea of being able to walk into a bottle shop in Paris and buy a can of beer with my head on it. That's sick. Six pack of Dum Dums, please, mate. Just a carton of Klang, please. That's amazing, though.

And so you don't know, are they going to make a specific kind of beer? He can make it whatever we want. Yeah. So I said we'd talk about it, we'd discuss it further on. Maybe this has got to be an ongoing discussion. But we've got to do this. This would be fucking cool. To have us on the shelves of bottle shops across Europe.

What about Cal Chandler Bitter? To get drunk on your own beer that would be beautiful well yeah look that's it i think that's a challenge to find something that's in the middle that other people would buy that would still have exactly that's i think it's an interesting challenge for us it's it's yeah i think the big thrill would be to name it something after what we talk about yeah but how that relates to normal people, I don't know. I think my first thought is that would make more sense to just do the limited

edition and just have our people have it. But if we can think of a way of combining us and the real world, sure. But that's tricky. It's an interesting challenge, but I think we can do it. I love the idea that it's popular. It becomes, for whatever reason, it just becomes massive. It becomes so for whatever reason, it just becomes massive.

It becomes so popular in Europe that it starts getting imported here by Dan Murphy's. And then you and I have to spend like $13 a can to get our hands on it. And there's an ad for it with Mr Comedy drinking it. Yeah. Matter of fact, let's do five.

Yeah, we did. You can only buy it in five packs. Five packs. Yes, I love the clang beer. I get five with my friends every day. In Sweden, too, the government run all the bottle shops, too. There's no private, like alcohol is like a government. Right, it's like the ABC. Yeah.

Oh, wow. And it's like they're open in strict periods of time and stuff. And it's a bit more expensive. So what do you mean? That's good for us or bad for us? I don't know. That was just an interesting fact that I thought I could bring up. So we would have to be government approved, I guess, is what that means.

I did like the way he worded it of like, look, you can just do whatever you want and we can just make up a small batch. Or if it's possible for you to contain yourselves and not put the word fucking, not put the word cunt in the title of the beer and have a drawing of two people 69ing on the can, then I might be able to get this in the shops. What if you had two people 69ing like under the can so people wouldn't really notice?

Oh, that's pretty cool. Like the tippy effect under the bottle. A nice refreshing can of dinner for two so it's normal and fucked yeah yeah a little easter egg that interesting the old the trivia question on the uh on the lid yeah yeah that's pretty cool i gotta find out how much free rain we get here also i'm just realizing when he, oh, the can can't be rude, it's beer! It's already R18 plus rated. Family friendly.

Yeah, but that's weird to just go, well, yeah, why not? It's already over 18, so why not put a dick going into an arsehole on a beer? That's what I'm saying, why not? Yeah, also, you can have cum in it, it's fine. Do whatever. You're? Yeah. Also, you can have cum in it. It's fine. Do whatever.

You're all responsible adults. You can drink cum if you want. Plenty of people do it every day. Only five cums per can. If you manage to call it like... I'll be very impressed. But see, we could just spell that out and it would, you know, if there's like, that would be good. If there's like, if we find a word in like Swedish

or something that, you know, that sort of looks like that phonetically or whatever, that would be, that would be good.

I think hay mate, hay mate sounds like a, that sounds like an IPA or something like, oh yeah, just a part of hay mate, please. Yeah.

Not Swedish, but I just meant in Australia. Like, yeah, I'd get a hay mate. Yeah. Yeah. That does seem good actually.

I'll get, yeah, give me a slab of Hey Mate. Then we can get it on tap at the European Beer Cafe. Oh, yeah. Invent a beer from here, send it there, and then bring it back again. We'll technically be a European beer. Really? Yeah.

All right. All right. Let's get on that. Yeah. We can do a thing where it's like if you cut off six barcodes and send them in, you get sent a free podcast in the mail. Oh, yeah. Let's do five.

Yeah. Yeah, all right. This is definitely a thing that listeners will go crazy about and have plenty of ideas and all that stuff. What can our European beer be? We need to find something. And we have to stress it has to be in the middle, guys. It has to be a reference but also be palatable to normal people.

So don't start a thread where you go, oh, call it Tommy's dad's porno beer. Yeah, yeah. Unless Sweden really get into that sort of thing, which they might. Who knows? Again, some local knowledge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or like, we either go that way

or we just go all in and do it the fucktist and do a limited edition and we can do any of that stuff. And the dream is to get it to a point where it is the alcohol associated with your life falling apart like a bundaberg rum like oh fuck he was drinking that that's why everything went south yeah or yeah have it like a vb or something where it's like oh yeah only assholes drink that absolutely yeah that's a real bogan beer what if it goes huge and we're like sponsoring the next world Cup or something? That would be fucking great. Really? Small steps.

All right. Well, we'd better wrap it up for another week on the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Sonia and Tom, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you. Thank you. You guys have shows coming up that you'd like to plug? Yes. I'll be doing the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

I'm doing the whole run. My show's called Glory Box and it's at the Cooper's Inn for the whole thing. What are you giggling at? What's wrong with you, Tom? I said glory. That's funny. I'm laughing already. It's not what you're thinking of. It's a box with all these holes in it.

I think that's where you're going after this show, aren't you? Hey, where we're all going. Please don't say Coopers as well. They're now a direct competition.

That's actually not named after them, though. I think that's a... Yeah, I know. Go. My show is called Enough.

Not funny. And it's going to Brisbane, Melbourne and Sydney. The show is funny, not the title. I was going to say, is that the blurb?

Enough. Not funny. No, that's going to be one of the reviews no why did you go fuck someone's girlfriend already done it

that's it yeah in Brisbane Melbourne and Sydney that's on sale now check that out I'm also doing a play

at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival on the weekends called Quandah a play it is a play I've written and it will be funny please come see nothing better than a comedian getting've written and it will be funny. Please come see it.

Nothing better than a comedian getting serious, I think. It's a funny play. That's cool. Thank you. I work at the theatre now. I'm against it. I'm better than this. Guys, I'm single and I really need a tick in that wind column. So if you're out there...

Catch me at the ground at the back of the glory box Alright guys Thanks very much for listening And we'll see you next time See you mates Lager And they've done it again

You're right You're not lying Very much back in the saddle In this one I've got you strapped to the polygraph And nothing Nothing Nothing's happened

Oh the needle's not The needle's not even moving No Well I've done that trick Where I've put a pin in my shoe To prod myself to Fake the heart rate That old trick

Yeah I'd never even heard of it Have you never heard of that? No Haven't you seen things I think I hang around in different circles to you If you know tricks like that You would have seen movies Where they have Someone's going to get a polygraph and they get talked through how to trick it.

No, no, no. Anytime anything illegal happens in a movie, I walk out. So if it looks a little bit dodgy, I'm straight out of there. Yeah, cool. I generally just watch pornos. So you're watching Ocean's Eleven. As soon as they start planning the heist, you walk out of the cinema. so you're watching oceans 11 as soon as they start you know planning the heist you walk out of the cinema then you're in the lobby you've got porn hub up on the laptop

just beating it like saying to your wife let me know when the crimes are done and i'll come back in yeah yeah i thought it was a i thought it was a movie about like the sea yeah and all the different ones when i got in there and there was casinos involved, I was like, I am splitting. You thought it was David Attenborough talking over a bunch of whales and shit. Exactly.

Not some disgusting... I thought I was going to see some plankton. I didn't think I was going to see like illegal rorting of good, clean living casino people. That casino owner

worked hard to build up his empire. And these ratbags are going to come in and just take it all from him. Also, Brad Pitt, George Clooney, they're already millionaires yeah how much more money do these guys need they're robbing a casino now also they don't even call themselves george clooney or brad pitt in the movie they make up some other name yeah danny ocean and yeah rodney fuckface yeah

classic casino heist brain, Rodney fuckface. No, but that is a movie's thing. And I don't know if that does work in real life, but you trick the polygraph by when they get the sample size of what your resting heart rate is when you're not telling a lie, you elevate your heart rate or something to make it, to sort of throw the graph off. So then when you're lying, it's like it matches up. Right.

Yeah. So just a bit of, you know, just a bit of advice there, Carl. Okay. If you're ever... If I'm ever actually caught for anything. For all the heinous crimes against comedy that you've committed. Have you done it again? Yes.

Comedy court. That would be good. That would be good that'd be good yeah um but no i i strongly strongly believe that we've we've done it again great we broke into the comedy casino and we fucking cleaned that place out yeah yeah no it was it was good it's good when you do an episode and you're in the middle going this is this is going along nicely i'm having fun i don't have to delve back into any files and bring out any absolute world-beating stories that I've got up my sleeve. I can save that for another time when we have an absolute dud guest that is just driving

this fucking show into the ground. Yeah. I'll just bring that one out then. No need to bring out a good story when your co-host is just sitting there absolutely sweating bullets, being put on blast for crimes of the heart four years ago. Yeah. Man, well, I'm sorry to bring you and her back together. Yeah.

I don't know. Well, you know. You finally got her back to your house anyway. Exactly, yeah. Shame that no one knows what we're talking about because I've edited that entire bit out of the episode. That would be good no good times great fun

on this one lots of good shit in there hope you guys enjoyed it and yeah great to have Sonia back

yep and like we said at the top heaps of live shows so we'd love to see all of you guys coming to the live shows Canberra, Brisbane

Melbourne heaps of Melbourne stuff, Koh Samui, London coming up. Like we said, it's not quite on sale yet. We're just waiting for them to get everything sorted. But the date is locked in. It's pretty cool. Yeah.

Thanks to the people who've sent me, which I asked for, Europe recommendations. But I realize now what a mistake it is to just give out such a vague request because it's such a big region that there's no way I can follow up on it because literally every message you get is different. In some way, it's slightly bigger than a region. I would say it's a continent. I'd say it's a massive chunk of the world. Yeah.

It's like you're never going to get none of the messages that I've gotten correlate in any way whatsoever. It's nigh on impossible for me to follow up on any or all of these. Well, I would say on top of that, I would say thank you very much for the heaps of people that have been in touch with me about my quest to go and watch Liverpool play as we go there. Fingers crossed they're in the title race still and we're on top of it, all of that sort of stuff. A lot of people hit me up about ways of getting tickets or offers or people that they know that they might be able to go through. So keep them up, guys.

And look, I'm not expecting cards on the table. I'm not expecting to go over there and pay the normal price. I'll be paying above. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. So if you've got any leads, if you've got anything like that, I'm looking at potentially – really, the aim would be it's late April. I'm looking to see Liverpool play Huddersfield at Anfield up in Liverpool.

Right. So that would be the dream, guys. So if you've got any help – lots of people hit me up already, and thank you very much. It's a beautiful thing to do, this pod, and actually get something positive out of it and people wanting to help you with things you need help with. God, I hope this ends in you just sucking a dick in a London alleyway for this ticket.

Man, that's... LAUGHTER I was just thinking about what I would do. Right. Yeah, something to look at. What's the highest you'd go? How much would you...? The highest what I would do. Right. Yeah, something to work. What's the highest you'd go? How much would you? The highest dick I'd suck.

Yeah, what's the longest? Mount Kosciuszko. What's the longest dick that you'd suck? No, what's the, do you have a cap on, at what price do you start to go? So what is face value for starters? Roughly. I don't actually know because I've never, like, I know what I

paid way back in the day. It's obviously a lot more than that. But they're like relatively expensive tickets. A couple hundred

would be, I assume, face value? Oh, you'd have to be getting a pretty good seat for that. Because you're getting people that are going every week, you know.

Yeah, but for a match like at the, what, the final or whatever? No, but it's not the final. It's just a regular thing. It's just a regular

league game. It's not a grand final. They don't have, like it's not the final. It's just a regular thing. It's just a regular league game. Yeah, okay, right. It's not a grand final. They don't have... Like, they have different cup competitions. This is a regular season game. So, I assume they're like 50 pound or... Right, okay.

Something like that. Yeah, okay. So, look, I'd be willing to pay a lot more than that. Yeah. So, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 300 Australian?

I'd be going up from there. 500 Australian? Who knows? We'll see what we can do. It's hard to say without it actually being in front of you. Someone going 500, guaranteed ticket, this good seat. Yes. Yeah.

But I'm very willing to get into a deal. I'm very willing to... Free entry to the pod. No. I'm willing to talk turkey money-wise. I think what would be cool is if you line up some kind of old-school bartering thing, like a goods exchange or something. Yeah.

A services exchange where you go, look, you get the ticket, but you go to some British person's house and, like, do a stand-up gig in their living room or something. Yeah. I do want to say this from last week. I got a few messages about this where we just spent quite a while going, you know, how amazing is this that we're going to go to England and we're making this big effort, like, you know, me going to see Liverpool going halfway across the world just to see,

you know, something that I've really been into for years and stuff. Like, isn't this an amazing idea? Straight into, anyway, if anyone wants to go to the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival, it's like, just completely ignore the fact that hundreds of people have done that in the last two years for us. That's a very good point. I had not thought of it in those terms. Yeah, yeah. Imagine. Yeah. Yeah. Imagine. Yeah.

Imagine doing something fucking ridiculous with your money. Yeah. To see something that you're a fan of. Yeah. And flying across the world to see something you're a fan of and paying more money than you should. Yeah. Yeah.

So what you're saying is we should jack up the prices of the tickets for the Koh Samui Podcast Festival. Get some scalpers onto it. That would be good. Yeah. You can only come if you suck a dick in a London alleyway on your way through to Koh Samui Podcast Festival. Get some scalpers onto it. That would be good. Yeah. You can only come if you suck a dick in a London alleyway on your way through to Koh Samui. Yeah, someone did on the socials the other day ask

if tickets were running out for the Koh Samui. It's like, it's a big beach. There's no, it's not a theatre. The beach is pretty big. It's not the full moon part. You never run out of tickets for the full moon party, and that thing is fucking chockers. That's true, yeah.

Yeah. But get on it, guys. LittleDumbDumbClub.com slash Koh Samui. Yes. If you're thinking about coming June 11 till 16 at the beautiful Ozo Chuang Resort in downtown Koh Samui, the greatest city on planet Earth. Tiny, tiny bit of Samui talk this week,

just to let you guys know how it works. Please go to the website, LittleDumblunclub.com slash cosamui, because it does give you all the details. It gives you a password of how to get the cheaper deal through the Ozo or the Amari. It tells you the date of Copenhagen Roadshow, all that sort of stuff. Also, look, if you're coming to Copenhagen off the back of it, my advice would be, and I've learnt this the hard way, that that island is filling up with accommodation, running out of rooms at the moment,

because we are doing it the night before the Full Moon Party, which is the legendary Copenhagen Full Moon Party where people go fucking apeshit on the beach. So we're there the same time as those revelers. So it means that accommodation does run out a little bit. So you need to get in well in advance. We've booked a hotel together, me, you and a couple of guests. Yeah. And we've gone to add more guests to that hotel and it's run out.

So now we're in that proper. Exclusive. Yeah. It's a shame. It's a pretty small place. God, it would be good if we had literally every room in there. That would be sick. I tried my best, but some other guests dragged their heels and didn't do it.

So we could have had a privatized fucking resort to ourselves. God damn, that would have been sick. And it's a fucking great resort too. Who's there at the moment? You, me and Blakey? Yeah, I mean, I don't know if we've even announced who's coming. Oh, okay. But Brett, well, there's an exclusive.

Brett Blake is coming. Yeah. So he's there. Yeah, I think there's one more, I think. So, yeah. Oh, really? I think so. I'll have to go back and check.

Anyway. So that's that. Samui, act on that now. London, don't act on that quite yet because you just cannot. But everything else. Keep your eyes peeled, though. Everything else. Hopefully within the next week there'll be something.

Everything else. And as I said at the start of the show, Brisbanebane let's work out a deal with uh the limited seating we do have if you're if you're someone like that if you're someone that that doesn't think they're able to stand for an hour uh we can work something out also there'll be a bit of first in best dress so if you if you just simply want to sit down just get there early just line up get there early and you will get a nice booth seat yeah but if you're active and able-bodied then then get ready to fucking be on your feet. Take one for the team. To catch us when we start crowd surfing.

Yeah, take one for the team. If you're early mid-20s, early 30s, you know, you're fine. Yeah. It's only an hour show. Let's get a mosh pit going up the front of the podcast. Sure. People just skanking. Yeah.

We'll come out in our checkerboard vans. I'll be playing the double bass. Great. I would love that. We, yeah, look, and look, between Canberra, Brisbane and Melbourne, of course, we're doing shows during various festivals that those cities have on. So we have got access to great guests. Yeah.

Lots of great people already locked in. Yes. Some fan faves. Yeah. Some big names. Yes. Some people making their live show debuts. Yes.

Some people we're very excited about. I don't know debuts. So that's very exciting. I'm really looking forward to all of them. So it'll be great. Sweet. All right. Any other news?

Anything else we should be sharing? Thank you to everyone who's bought the Everything Is Rick shirt and the compilation of the Patreon magazine that we put out. Some of those are still in the mail because we had to reprint some stuff, but a lot of people should have their stuff by now. If you don't, it's because we ran out and we're still waiting for some of the shirts to come back. Yeah, a bit of a backlog, but they're coming very soon, guys, so don't fret.

So feel free to keep ordering now because by the time you order, we hopefully will have those new shirts in our hands. We've just got the reorder of the magazine, so that's all back in stock. So grab them. Of course, we'll be bringing them to all the live shows that we're doing all around the place. We've got a relatively new bit of merch is the Stubby Holders,

which we've had to reprint as well. So we've got a bunch of them. We'll be bringing them to all the live shows. We'll be bringing them to Koh Samui, all that sort of stuff. Nice little run recently of a lot of people getting their stuff in the mail and putting little photos up on the social media and tagging us in it. So it's always nice to see people pretty stoked to get their stuff in the mail. Feel free to do that because I've spent way too much time

writing personalised notes as well when I'm doing it. And then to hear nothing back and it's like, did this even fucking get there? I mean, sure, I called you a cunt and you're a town shithouse, but put it on social media. What's wrong with you? Sure, I put some anthrax in the envelope, but come on, guys. That took more time. Tommy, you've recently uploaded some of the best little choice bits of the show to YouTube. Oh, yeah.

The YouTube channel is active again. We put some of the clips from the best Of episode from the end of last year and also just a couple of little recent highlights. I'm going to start doing that a bit more and more, just chucking some little nuggets from the show up there, little tiny bits that if you like the show and you want to get a friend into it, just little bits that make it easy to share some good bits from the show. So share those around. A few hit singles from the albums to get you into the albums.

So you get in and then you go in. This is the deep cuts. This is the filler. So yeah, I think it's youtube.com slash the little dum-dum club. But just search us and just go on the website. It's all there. Is there still an account where, i don't know who does it it's not us but they just upload every episode we do yeah i was thinking that last night i haven't looked for a while but someone doing

that for a while every week yeah and trying to get advertising off it i assume but maybe good luck i mean some people do prefer listening to it there but like prefer listening to pods on YouTube but also that fucks with our numbers yeah right yeah so don't do it okay I reckon that's nearly all our housekeeping done I think let's apart from one big task that we have

which is every week we say thank you to those people that subscribed on patreon.com slash little dum-dum club and fill the coffers make this worth our while doing make making sure that we don't just go and do something else for a living instead of spending so much time doing this fucking thing and we appreciate that very much because we'd love to do this show yeah it's fun but we can't do it without making a living and that's where you guys thankfully come in thank

you very much but on top of that we try to make it worth your while as well by giving you extra content. The magazine that comes out every month that we talked about, we compiled before, but that's, yeah, it's a really fun thing. We've got a fun idea coming up next month. So, yeah, sign up if you're one of those people that love the show and want even more of this. Get into it.

Give it a go. Can you say what it is? Can you say what next month's one is? So it's the March edition. Yeah. Not the February edition, which is still to come out. We're working on the February one now. Get into it. Give it a go. Can we say what it is? Can we say what next month's one is? So it's the March edition. Yeah. Not the February edition, which is still to come out. We're working on the February one now. Yes.

Yes. Yeah, go for it. Yeah. So the March edition is going to be a full length, first issue of Rad Dad Comics number one. Yeah. So we're going to write up a full, like anyone who subscribes will know I pretty regularly do a comic that's like one page or whatever.

I've recently been doing one that's stretched for four pages or so. That are little, yeah, just little stories about guests and weird things that we've talked about. So we're going to do a full issue of Rad Dad in comic book form. Yeah. So, yeah, that's going to be fun. And if you've been subscribing, you'll know that Tommy Dasso is just getting better and better at those little cartoons that he does. Hey? Yeah.

You're like a regular Carl Banks. Do you know who that is? The Donald Duck guy? Yes. Yeah, yeah. He's great. That's a big compliment. You're welcome.

Yeah. I think he invented Scrooge McDuck. I think. I could be wrong. Yeah. Anyway. Yeah. I think he invented Scrooge McDuck. I think. I could be wrong. Yeah. Anyway. Yep. One of my favorite McDonald's characters, Scrooge McDuck.

Is that right? He's the character that comes in with a billion dollars and buys a billion Big Macs. Yeah. All the time. And then swims in them. No, he has that room in his house that's just filled with chicken nuggets that he swims around in. Right, right, right.

Okay, I was confused there, but now I'm not. So if you like that idea, give it a go. You can always fuck off from it, but give it a go. Get in there. We put out these lovely bonus episodes. We put out this magazine that we put a lot of time and effort into. Give it a go, and at the very least, you're chucking something into us. Good.

I'd be interested to know the number of people that have bought the Best Of Patreon magazine. How many of them are not Patreon subscribers that are seeing all of that stuff for the first time? Yeah. You know, that's a good way of getting in if you've never seen any of that stuff before because I feel like sometimes when we talk about the fact that we do a magazine or a

newsletter, people think it's some little rinky-dink text document that you just get sent out. It looks legit. It looks like it's a regular bloody Disney Adventures. Yes. You know, it's really popping. Yeah, it's a proper deal. I think other people that have put out that say, sign up for my newsletter, and then they've

seen ours and gone, oh, fuck. Yeah. You know, like, we shouldn't call ourselves a newsletter. It should be magazine. We do call it a magazine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a proper thing. It's not...

Some people call their thing a newsletter, and what it is is an email. Yeah. It's not a newsletter. It's an email where they're just, like, testing out material that's not good enough for stand-up. Dear diary, what I did on my holidays. It's like, here's the stuff that's not good enough for stage, so I'll give it to you guys. Yeah, we do proper little articles and like I sit there

and the iPad is absolutely red hot by the time I'm done with my illustrations. Then you fire up Illustrator. Smoke is just billowing out of the laptop by the time you're done with it. Do not touch Illustrator. Really? No. You don't the laptop by the time you're done with it. Do not touch Illustrator. Really? No.

You don't fuck with it. Not a layout program, mate. Illustrator is not a layout program. Sorry. Very uncouth of me. Grow up. So anyway, apart from all that boring stuff, what you also do is you get your name thrown into the mix of being read out, being immortalized in audio.

Yep. No one can take this away from you once we read your name out. No. Everything on the internet is permanent. This is like the audio Hollywood walk of fame. Yes. In a way. Yep.

The Patreon talk of fame. That would be pretty sick if we could set up somewhere. It's like the Hollywood, the stars. Yep. But it's just some of our favourite Patreon names. So we just have a walkway somewhere where we've just got Jack My Tiny Dick Off, Brook Window, all the greats. Wow, the two.

Are they together? Yeah, they're together. They're an item. And they have to turn up and make a speech and everything. Yeah, yeah. That would be fucking great. Yeah, and then people protest and smash up Jack's star when Jack My Tiny Dickoff obviously gets elected

President of the United States. We could do it in Samui on the beach. We could just get a little stick. Oh, yeah. Draw some little stars in there. Yeah, that's not bad. Yeah. All right.

Well, let's crack into this thing just with a, you know, a tiny little attempt at dragging this part of the show under an hour. Mm-hmm. Let's do our best. you know, a tiny little attempt at dragging this part of the show under an hour. Let's do our best. Right, let's fire up the untitled, the unplanned title alternator. Please forgive me, people in at UTA, for saying your brand name wrong. We read a random amount of people's names.

Let's just crack in and see where we get to. Yep. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Kate Tangus. Tangus? Yeah. It wouldn't be Tangers. We'll spell it. T-A-N-G-A-S. Tangus.

Tangus? Tangus. Kate Tangus. I don't know. It could be Tangers. That's weird. Tangus. I mean, that'd be great, but it's just not that. It can't be. Tangus. Tangus? Tangus. Kate Tangus. I don't know. It could be Tangus. That's weird. Tangus. I mean, that'd be great, but it's just not that.

It can't be. Tangus. Tangus. Tangus. Tangus. That's, I don't know, it sounds like it's sort of a bad word or something, but it's not. Do you know what I mean? It certainly, once again, has given me a bit of an

education into what can be a last name and what cannot be a last name yes because before this i would have thought tangus cannot be a last name yeah apparently it is well you would have it sounds like the sort of you know like a sci-fi show or whatever where they'd have like a breed of alien or something called the oh the tangus you what I mean? It sounds. All right. I'm looking her up on Facebook. All right. All right. Apparently she's a person. All right.

She's a real life person. Okay. What does she do? Is there a job on there? Let's dox her. She's got two mutual friends. Oh, really? Hmm.

Interesting. Very interesting. Which makes me think this is definitely the person who it is. Mm-hmm. So, all right. I guess this is what you get for your money. I have just proved on air that you exist, Kate. Yeah.

Yeah. You're a real deal. You're not a Russian spam bot that's trying to somehow influence what we say on this show. So, she passes the Turing test. The what test? That thing to work out whether someone's a robot or not. Oh, right. Yeah.

She's sort of clicked that box. Yeah, there's like three things that, I think it's a thing when they're testing like artificial intelligence or whatever. It's three things that it has to pass. Why can't robots tick a fucking box on the internet? That's what I want to know. You know when you always get that thing that comes up and says, I am not a robot and you have to like click on it why can't robots be

smart enough to just yeah lie or that and click on that have you seen that new one where it's like click all the tiles that have a car in them oh yeah you know that kind of stuff it's like surely someone's working on the technology that can identify a car in a picture but look i respect that test because that's tricky like you really have to sit there and go fuck is that a car in a picture but look i respect that test because that's tricky like you really have to sit there and go fuck is that a car which bit is that is that bit in there is that yeah but sometimes it's like it overlaps yeah just the slightest amount where like the fucking the side mirror is just peeking into one it's like well do i click that i mean i guess technically it's in there and look great because look at the talk that we've had off the back of that robots can't do

that right whereas that trick where it's like click this if you're not a robot what and robots are just going wow fuck they found me out here yeah they're not allowed to lie i can't click it's like is it something like what is it if you're if someone asks you a cop like you have to say are you a narc yeah you're a robot narc. Yeah, that's so dumb. But anyway. That's so dumb. Yeah. It is. I always look at it and go, fuck, I don't understand how that is secure in any way.

Yeah, but it clearly is. I know, but I'm saying I don't understand. Right. So you don't understand it, therefore it's dumb. Yes. That's how the world works. This thing that works that is too complex for me to understand how it works is dumb. Yes. Okay.

No further questions. Good. I'm glad we got that sorted. Fucking hell. I think you'd fall for that. I'm not a dumb cunt. Tick. Yes.

Kate Tangus. Tangus. What is Tangus? Tangus would be Greek or something, is it? Yeah, mate. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know what to think about it. Kate Tangus? Tangus would be Greek or something, is it? Yeah, mate. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I don't know.

I don't know what to think about it. Kate Tangus. I keep thinking it's like, I'm seeing that K on the K and then the Tangus and seeing Kangas. Yep. Making it a very Australian name. That is super Australian, yeah. I'm thinking of Tango and Cash. Oh! I like that better. Yeah.

I love... Tango and Cash is one of those great movies that just got flogged to death on TV. Absolutely. Uncle Buck style. Yeah. Too many times on TV. Wait, no, I'm getting it confused. Which one's... What's Tango and Cash? I've just realised I'm getting it confused with

Turner and Hooch. Oh, right. Turner and Hooch is Tom Hanks and the Dog. Yes. What's Tango and Cash? I've just realised I'm getting it confused with Turner and Hooch. Oh, right. Turner and Hooch is Tom Hanks and the Dog. Yes. What's Tango and Cash? Tango and Cash is Kurt Russell and Sylvester Stallone. Okay. Yeah, isn't it? Fuck, now I've got to look it up. I don't know. Now I've got to look it up. Tango and Cash. I've just realised in my head

every time I've heard Tango and Cash I've pictured Turner and Hooch. Right. So I don't think I have time I've heard Tango and Cash, I've pictured Turner and Hooch. Right. So I don't think I have literally any idea what Tango and Cash actually is. Right. Yeah, Tango and Cash is Kurt Russell and Sylvester Stallone, and Sylvester Stallone has glasses on.

He's like trying to, you know, obviously trying to be smart. The whole plot of the movie. Well, that's his character. The whole movie is about him going to get glasses. Yeah, yeah. Going into OPSM for the eye test. Yep. I've got to get my eyes tested, by the movie. Well, that's his character. The whole movie is about him going to get glasses. Yeah, yeah. Going into OPSM for the eye test. Yep. I've got to get my eyes tested, by the way.

Really? I think I might need glasses. Yeah. I think I might need glasses to make my eyes work less. They're too good. Fucking hell. They're too good. Jesus Christ.

It never ends. It never ends with you. At a live show if you want to bring up some fine print I'll fucking read it out yeah yeah yeah I might need to go in

and get dick shortening surgery so Tango and Cash is one of those movies that got flogged to death Uncle Buck style too many times on Back to the Future style yep

Back to the Future 3 style yeah Back to the Future 3 style Devil Wears Prada style. Oh, you reckon that's the new gen? Maybe it's just because I don't ever have free to wear on, so I don't know what's on. But I feel like it was like a running joke for a while how often Devil Wears Prada was on. Oh, really?

Right. And then it's absolutely dropped off. Right. I think maybe the big wigs up at Channel 10 just got sick of seeing themselves roasted across social media and went, all right, guys, we've got to get a new movie into the rotation. Channel 10 is the one for it. They're the ones that just absolutely rotate movies not at all.

They pay for the license and then they just absolutely bleed it dry. It's like they're going to Blockbuster and not renting anything out. They're just buying the copy and then going, well, we own it now. We might as well just play it overnight. Just burning out the VHS. But in this age of streaming where everyone's off watching movies on TV anyway, can you blame them? Yeah.

Why bother paying for new movies to get into the rotation? Just literally play the same movie every Friday night. Yeah. Yeah, just pretend you're making the new Rocky Horror show. Yes, yes. Rocky Horror Picture Show where it's like, oh, it's a tradition. Every Friday night we play it.

It's like, is it? That genuinely would be fucking awesome. If a TV channel just went every... Tango and Cash. Tango and Cash every Friday night for 2019. Yeah. It would be sick. And then Saturday is something different.

Sunday is something different. Because there's cult films like The Room and stuff that people build into those sort of things. Yeah. Channel 10, just pick a fucked movie and force it into being a cult movie. Totally. Yeah. Yeah, get a flop.

Yeah. Tango Cash, you could do that. I miss the days of the Sunday movie. Being a little kid. Well, see, that's what I was going to say when you're saying, you know, with streaming movies and stuff like that. You know, there used to be, it used to be event television didn't it was totally finally channel nine got the rights to um superman four and they're gonna play it oh man i remember like jurassic park being on tv for the first time and it was one of those ones where it was like a week build up every show where they'd

bring up like in the middle of another tv show during the week a little they'd have like a little fucking dinosaur walk across the bottom of the screen and you'd be like, fuck yeah, Sunday night. It's going down. And like, you know, that was where I just used to see – like I have Stan and I have Netflix. I have access to thousands upon thousands of movies and I just watch none of them. I never watch movies because it's like I turn it on

and I just spend an hour looking for stuff and then I go, oh, well, it's fucking – all of a sudden it's bedtime. Right. You know? Whereas someone going, this movie, Howard the Duck, it's on Sunday night. Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm just going to watch that. Yeah, yeah.

It's forcing you into watching it. Yeah, exactly. It's just on. Yeah. It's like a film festival in many ways. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to go to the movies this week. What are you going to see?

Bohemian Rhapsody. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I've going to go to the movies this week. What are you going to see? Bohemian Rhapsody. Oh, yeah. I've got to go and see it. Yeah. I just want to see because everyone's got so many different opinions about it. So I'm intrigued. A lot of people are very up in arms about it. It's Oscar nom.

Yeah. A lot of people are very upset over its controversial ending where Freddie Mercury never died and he's still alive. Interesting. Yeah. Thanks for spoiling alive. Interesting. Yeah. Thanks for spoiling it. Sorry, man. I didn't know you hadn't seen it. I don't know enough about Queen, but I would like to...

I like that guy, Rami Malek. Yeah. Right. Why do you like him? Because he was in a show called... He's in a show called Mr. Robot. Right. Okay.

Tango and Cash stays with me. I don't think I... Maybe I never saw it, but it sticks with me because the ad used to be on all the time. And every time it would come back, you know, you'd like to think they'd recut the ad and show different bits from it. But no matter what year it was on, they would always show the bit where Sylvester Stallone and kurt russell are in a monster truck running over i don't know another truck right and then kurt russell saying where'd you learn to drive stevie wonder that's sick yeah i can see why they put that in the ad it's good shit it's a good little soundbar isn't it ableist and imagine yeah imagine if a blind man drove a car yeah well it's pretty funny not not not only driving a car but then having the gall to turn it into a school yeah

you know like he's been horrible he's presumably been awful at it yeah yeah but then he's gone well i gotta get i gotta get other people in on this i have wisdom to impart that is a double prong isn't it because it's like well a blind man driving is obviously bad but then for him to be giving out licenses like he doesn't even know what the licenses say. He doesn't even know who he's giving them to. And he doesn't know what they're saying and whether it correlates with the person in front of him. Absolutely. In many ways, it's like all of the people who teach stand-up comedy.

Right. I'm going to do it one day. I'm going to run some sort of course just to be the first person who knows what he's fucking talking about in any way. You and I have talked about how we could just take the piss and run a podcasting workshop. Because we'd have some decent stuff to impart. If we ever do that, just know that you guys, if you see us running a podcasting course, just know that we don't respect whoever's signing up for it. And know that we're doing it because we've run out of money. We are on skid row and it is a desperate, shameless attempt to get some money back into the old bank account.

And that we would not go to our course. No. Yep. Not at all. Yep. Thanks, Kate. Thanks, Kate Tango. Fucking hell.

Stretch that one out. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. Just naming a kid and having any idea that one day two strangers are going to spend half an hour talking about the Sunday night movie because of the name that you've given it. You get from, oh, look, we're going to call our beautiful little baby Kate Tengus. Where'd you learn to drive, Stevie Wonder? How sick are monster trucks? Thank you to Patreon subscriber Kyria Chapman. Ooh.

Yeah. I had a bit of Kyria over the weekend. K-Y-R-I-A. Kyria? Kyria, yeah. Kyria? Kyria, yeah. Kyria? Maybe Kyria. Or maybe I'm just thinking that because of Nick Kyrios.

Oh, yeah? Well, let's go with that then. Kyria. Kyria. We've said both of them, so we're covered officially. Exactly. Kyria Chapman. You know what?

I had so much fun looking up Kate Tengus before. I'm going to close my browser that's all about Tango and Cash and look up Kyria Chapman. Let's see if she's on Facebook. Okay. Let's see if she has any mutual friends. Chapman is the surname of my first ever girlfriend. Really?

Mm-hmm. Wow. Yep. First name Kyria. Strange coincidence. Strange how the world works, isn't it? No, not at all. That is strange.

Yep. I'm not finding any results here. I believe that her name may be made up. She's made a name. I like how we work. Not on Facebook. Must be lying to us. Yeah.

On Facebook, there's two results coming up, and they're both ladies that live in Flint, Michigan. Okay. Both. Both of them. Out of all the Carrier Chapmans in the world on Facebook, both of them live in that town that doesn't even have running water or whatever. That's pretty fucking strange.

What if they know each other? I would say maybe they could possibly be bots or something. Okay. So maybe this is a bot that's subscribed because i don't think patreon has a thing that says tick this if you're not a robot yes so all of our what if all of our patreon subscribers are fake fuck and we're just there's a bunch of broke robots out there yeah because they're giving us money and getting sent these magazines that they don't know what to do with yeah and then you look in the bank account and it's like, we've just been paid in robot bucks. Yeah. It's just zeros and ones coming through.

We're just being paid in data. Well, that's fine. I mean, you know, over the internet, that's what money is, I guess. So that's fine. Okay, yeah, right. These are not cash deliveries. Yeah. That we're getting from listeners.

Right. It's not a little palm shake. I'd like, if anyone wants to subscribe on Patreon, but you want to do it old school style where you post us a birthday card and just slip a $20 note in there. Love it. I'd be fucking into that. Love it.

If we start our own off the grid, like just back to basics. Say Kyria Chapman wants to do that. She then has to change her Patreon name to Grandma Chapman. Yeah. Just sends the birthday card every month with a 20 in there. Thank you. Yes. Just sends the birthday card every month Yes With a 20 in there Thank you Yes Let's get a P.O. box

And start up Start up an old school Like a Like I guess Patreon is essentially like I never did this Because it's a bit before my time And I don't know Did they

You'd know this better than me Whether they had this here or not I think it's a very American thing But like bands having like the fan club Yes Where you sign up And you What do you do

You send money in the mail And then I know REM would send out like Exclusive fan club only singles and stuff you sign up and you, what do you do? You send money in the mail and then, I know REM would send out like exclusive fan club only singles and stuff on 7inch or whatever. Did bands do that here? Did that exist here? I know that one of my favorite bands of all time, The Fove's, Australian band The Fove's. Yep.

They had a little fan club where they would send out a magazine. That's pretty cool yeah weirdly enough I always remember hearing about it growing up bands doing it and being like oh I guess that's just

you sort of just can't do that here because it's like too hard to send to send post over to the states or whatever or however you would pay for it yeah yeah yeah but then

but then being like oh that's such a cool thing it's like a subscriber club where the thing that you're into like send you stuff in the mail, like thinking about the things that I liked and wishing that I could do that. Yep. But that's what we do.

Yes. That's what Patreon is. But so what I'm saying is we take it off the internet. We just have a PO box where we just work out if we just had something that's like an IRL exclusive. Right. So we just send you like a lock of our hair each month. Yeah.

Some toenail clippings for each subscriber. Exclusive singles of songs that we write, especially for the listeners. On 7-inch. Fuck. 7-inch podcast. That'd be bad if we were taking money off people and just trying to give them the worst content. Yeah.

Just nothing of stuff that you want from this show. It's just us trying new art forms. Yeah. Where one month you're getting a single from us. Yeah. One month we've just tried our hand at pottery. Yeah. We're sending you some fucked piece of shit out of a kiln.

I love this. That would be, yeah, that would be fucking great. And the money that you send, it has to be in a birthday card. Yes. It has to be like novelty card where it's like, happy birthday, you're looking pretty good. And then you open it up for a cunt. You know those ones?

Yes, definitely. And then there's a cartoon of a cunt in there. One of those 3D ones that pops out at you. Yes. And then you come to our house. Whenever we record it, mine or yours, the place is just flooded in birthday cards the whole time. How bad do you feel when you have to throw out cards you know people give you birthday cards or christmas cards

or whatever and then the day comes where it's like this person's giving you this nice gesture yeah and then after a week you're like okay in the bin grandma you can't yeah i feel bad i feel bad for them because i feel like saying oh don't buy of them. It's such a waste of your money that you could be giving to me. Yeah, totally. Don't pay seven. You know what? If you just gave me a fucking envelope with that extra $7 in it, that would be cool.

And just write your own message on the front. Yeah. Yeah. Happy birthday. You can't. I make cards for my parents for their birthdays and stuff. You fucking tight ass. I draw them little cards.

Oh, yeah. And they've kept all of them. Wow. There's only room in their house that's full of them, which is very cute. Wow. Yeah. The pressure's on to do one every year then. You can't skip them.

Well, yeah. I mean, the pressure's on because it's their birthday. Right. Yeah, but you've set yourself a precedent. So they're looking forward definitely to that happening. Yes. So it gets to a day before and you're like, oh, maybe I skipped this one. No, you can't do that.

No, and they request it now. Right. They're like, don you're like, oh, maybe I skipped this one. No, you can't do that. And they request it now. They're like, don't, because dad's like, dad's like, don't buy one. Don't waste money on that. Draw one. It's much nicer. Right. Don't spend $5 and take two seconds.

Use your whole afternoon. Yeah, exactly. That's 100% what it is. Dad's classic move growing up was like getting a present and very carefully unwrapping it at the, you know it right at the edges so it's undamaged. Getting the wrapping paper, ironing it and reusing it. Great. But giving him a gift and it taking half an hour for him to open because he's just making sure none of it rips.

Fuck me, wrapping paper. It's like 20 cents. Yeah, but I will do that because I sort of think, oh, that's nice wrapping paper. I won't just rip it up. I'll do it like that and then i i very carefully undo the tape and whatever and then it's sitting there and i'm like okay well now it's in the bin i guess like i do absolutely nothing yes oh i'll just save this for the next time i wrap a gift yeah which is like what if it's christmas day it's like well what's the next it's done yeah i've had the big wrapping day i'm gonna sit on this for a year i can't think of the last time i've wrapped a gift yeah i went off it waste of time yeah waste

of money waste of energy it's just get get a nice little bag getting them to do it at the shop now that's always nice yeah yeah yeah i'll cop that for sure getting christmas time when you see some poor cunt set up in the corner corner just on wrapping duty yeah good lord and too much of a risk to buy presents that need wrapping anyway yeah like if i get flowers or gift vouchers like you don't need to wrap either wrapping a gift voucher is pretty great yeah yeah i'd love it if like those stores where they do that over the holidays you get the option of someone gift wrapping for you if it's just some you know what you well i still don't properly know how to wrap things so it's always the most botched job. If they just had a 13-year-old kid

who's literally just getting it and wrapping tape all the way around it, so it just looks like complete shit. Well, it feels to me like a bad plastic surgery job where you're making three sides of it good and just scrunching it all up at the bottom and then putting that on the bottom so no one sees that bit.

And you haven't cut enough. So like the box of whatever it is is just visible through a little sliver in the bottom. You still see made in China. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just don't know what's made in China. Totally. Yeah, yeah. Oh, well, thanks.

Thanks, Kyria. Thanks, Kyria. Yeah. Thank you, Beatrice. Oh, fuck. Jeez, we've had some trouble with names this week or just some names that we didn't know about. And here's another one.

We're really learning a lot this week. Yeah. I don't know what we're learning, but yeah. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. Believe it or not, this is a name apparently. And I'm going to look this up on Facebook as well. Okay, sure. Thank you to Patreon subscriber, Jeffrey Williams.

Jeffrey? C-H-E-F-R-E-Y. No way. Yes way, baby. No way. Jeffrey Williams. Is this guy, do you think this guy works in a kitchen

and he's just changed his name from Jeffrey? I don't know. Because if so, awesome. Or the other way, that's where they get the word chef from, works in a kitchen and he's just changed his name from Geoffrey. Because if so, awesome. Or the other way, that's where they get the word chef from, from a famous cook way back in the day whose name is Geoffrey. The world's best. But back then they were like, this guy is the best food maker guy I've ever met. And then being like, you know what?

We've been saying for decades that we need a term for this why not in honour of the great man over here who's just cooked up the best spaghetti bolognese that any of us have ever had

chef yep that could possibly be it now I am looking frantically you're going deep into the matrix

you've got the search window of Facebook open yeah I'm going into the it's the new school you facebook open yeah i'm going into the uh it's the new school you know white pages i'm finding no chefrey williams but there is multiple examples of people being called chefrey chefrey so that is technically a name i believe yep but um quite a fucking name

no offense but that's dumb as shit yeah sorry chef yeah look sorry chef oh the the the jeffries i'm finding uh from other countries with other foreign sounding last name right jeffrey williams jeffrey just it is your like i've seen this happen i've heard of this happen of parents being so dumb they misspelt names yes did you think you were writing jeffrey yeah yeah well they were thinking about maybe it was something like um the dad's gone to write down jeffrey yeah right and he's got do you believe in love playing in the background and he's like as he starts writing he's like god i love share and he's just really and he's like gotten halfway you know and it's like i was doing that with you the other day.

I was writing out some of the notes to send to people in the people who bought shirts and stuff. And we were talking as I was doing it. And a couple of times I noticed like I just had written down something that I'd been saying out loud. So it's a bit of that. He's like, God, I love Cher. Cher, C-H-R, fuck. And then he's like, oh, I can't. This is so embarrassing.

I can't go and get another birth certificate. Now I've called my kid Jeffrey if I could turn back time. Now I've called my kid Gay Icon. Gay Icon Williams. Now I've called my kid Jeffrey. I got a big fucking cannon just under my moot. Thanks, moot. Oh, fuck.

Well, finally, Jeffrey's not the weirdest name out of when you've got that name. Yeah, now he's taken his lucky stars. Well, thanks, Jeffrey. Thanks, name. Yeah, now he's taken his lucky stars. Well, thanks, Chefers. Thanks, Chefers. Thanks, Chefers. Literally just for us, that last one. Yeah, thanks, Chefers. Thank you to, I think that's a shorter one than the others,

but I think we've given you enough. Oh, God. Thank you, and especially considering I'm not sure whether you exist or not. Yeah, that's two in a row now of potential bots. Oh, God. Thank you. And especially considering I'm not sure whether you exist or not. Yeah. Yeah, that's two in a row now of potential bots. Yeah. Are you a person if you're not on Facebook? Yeah.

Do you ever find it weird when you meet someone that's not on Facebook? 100%. I'm not saying, I'm not giving it an ad. I'm not trying to say Facebook is the best, but I do find it weird if you're not on it. I'm jealous. I'm jealous. If you avoided the initial kind of surge of everyone being on it and you've lasted this long and you're free, like I'm fucking – I'm jealous.

People who can just live their life like that, they've never known any better. God damn, what a fucking life you would live. Yeah, look, I can't go back. I've got too much, you know, between this thing. We have to be on it. That's the, yeah. When you're in comedy, you have to be in it.

Yeah. But I would love nothing more than to just be able to fucking deactivate. When you're in the semi-public eye like us. Yeah. You've got to be on it. I would keep, I would maybe keep Instagram and that would be about it. Right. Everything else I would just fucking deactivate immediately.

Okay. Yeah. But I guess you fucking deactivate immediately. Okay. Yeah. But I guess you'd still have to have Messenger. I think you can be on Messenger and not be on Facebook. Yeah. You can have a Messenger account and not have a Facebook account. Yeah. Because that's just how everyone contacts everyone now.

Are you in a lot of WhatsApp groups? I don't use WhatsApp at all. Yeah, I don't either. Yeah. I don't get why people use that over anything else. Yeah, but some people really just that's it i know the main thing that i know i kind of understand people using it for like i've got a couple of friends who uh like family friends who their parents are here um you know one of them lives in singapore the other sister lives in london now so that's the easiest way to keep in touch because the parents aren't on Facebook but they can work WhatsApp

because it's just like a text message. Great. I understand that but like I've got groups of friends who just all live here who just use WhatsApp.

It's like just text, just Facebook. Why are you using this fucking thing? I don't get it. The only messages I get on WhatsApp when I check it

very occasionally are just people that have my phone number that listen to this show that decide to fucking use it on that i'm gonna i should look at mine now i should check it i'm gonna have to re-download it but um but no i i don't use it at all thanks jeffrey williams thanks chef um thank you to patreon subscriber we need to put a i'm not a robot check on the patreon form yeah people sign

up oh but i'm happy for robot money i'm happy for robot money but i i'm not that i'm not a robot check on the Patreon form when people sign up. But I'm happy for robot money. I'm happy for robot money, but not that I'm not happy with it, but just for our own, just so we know. Russian bot money that's being siphoned from Trump, we're getting Trump's money. Because people can put comments when they sign up.

Can't they? Have people done that in the past? Maybe. I'm not sure. If there's a comment form and you're signing up now, or if you can go edit your subscription, let us know. Okay. Let us know if you're a robot.

Thanks, Jeffrey Williams. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Alex Williams. Now, this is interesting. This is interesting. What a twist. Yeah. We've gone from one fucked up name williams yeah to one very normal name williams and i mean you know such an obtuse surname that it they have to be related

yeah there's no chance yeah you're telling me there's multiple williams's out there i doubt it no way well maybe is this irrefutable proof that these two are definitely bots? Right. Williams is the go-to surname of the robot. Yeah. Yeah. It could easily be because it just sounds like a human. That's a robot's thinking right there. I've heard that name.

Right. Yes, I get you. It's a robot just going straight for the first thing. Yeah. Beep, boop, beep. Yeah. Williams. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Totally. Yeah. So these guys are definitely, Alex Williams is definitely a robot. Yeah. Is what we've thing. Yeah. Beep, boop, beep. Yeah. Williams. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. Yeah. So these guys are definitely, Alex Williams is definitely a robot. Yeah. Is what we've concluded. Yeah. Confirmed another robot.

Yeah. Well, you know what? I'm happy with that. I mean, if we're not going to get out to people, I'm happy to get out there in the robot community. I'm happy because they're the future. I'd fuck a robot. Is that what you're getting at? No, but I'm thinking it now, definitely.

I think it's great. I think that's the future of podcast listeners. Robots, more robots in the future. It means we'll be getting out there more often. Maybe we need to tailor our show to more robots, more robot-based material. And we can do – I mean, if we just get scientists to just build us robot audience members that love the podcast, then we could be playing fucking Rod Laver Arena within a month. Yeah.

Just filled with droids that we've built that love us. And we're just up there killing. If the science community can really get behind making a million robots in Adelaide, that can then listen to our show. And we'll go back. Problem solved. If you listen over there and you want us to come back

and you're a mad scientist, well then get on it. Yeah. Start building some robot audience members. We'll come over there for the oil cast. Yeah. But yeah, this is definitely a robot.

That's three robots in a row. And you know what's weird? That girl I was talking about, that family friend who lives in London, as I said that, she literally just sent me a message on Facebook. So maybe she's a robot. She's tapped my phone. She's listening. I mean, this goes all the way to the top.

Yeah, this is weird. This is the future, but it's weird. Okay. Well, thanks, Alex Williams robot, bot uh and thanks yeah thanks to the williams brothers yeah all sisters jeff did we is that do we figure out jeffrey yeah i mean yeah alex could be a girl could be what a world but i mean if they're robots they're kind of genderless i guess i guess hmm fuck more more more questions than answers this week. Yeah.

It's a real mystery episode. This is like, you know, this is like you're listening to an episode of the bloody Dr. Carl podcast. Yes. We've got a real, you and I have a real thirst for knowledge. Yeah, but we're still thirsty at the end of every episode. Totally. We're parched.

We've learned fucking nothing. We're an answer looking for a question. Yeah. We're just asking each other questions and then each other going, well, I don't know. every episode totally we're parched we've learned fucking nothing we're an answer looking for a question yeah we're just asking each other questions and then each other going well I don't know I'm as dumb as you

what's sex like well thanks a lot Alex Williams I hope you're I hope you're getting enough zeros and ones out of this show to

yep to be happy with yep hope your mainframe is really stimulated by this one. All right. Okay. All right.

So how long have we been going? Because, I mean, what we've been saying every week is that this part of the show is going too long. Yep. We've been going for five minutes. Five? How many minutes? Five.

It feels like longer than that. No, it says right there on the screen. Five? How many minutes? Five. It feels like longer than that. No, it says right there on the screen. Five. Well, I mean, okay. Well, if it says on the screen, is it a robot screen? Because that could be infiltrating and just wanting us to do more and more robots.

So it might not be right. Ah, sounds like the long bow bot has fired up. Anyway, let's just do one more. Thank you to R2D2 Comedy. That's strange, because didn't we have a C3PO comedy last week? I don't think so. Okay, right. I'm just looking up on Facebook, any R2D2 comedy.

Let's see. I'm not getting anything with any mutual friends. Hey, and I'm just looking over your shoulder. There is one there from Flint, Michigan. There's an R2-D2 Williams from Flint, Michigan. Right, right. Yeah. So maybe because that would be the place for robots to live because there's no water. There's an R2-D2 Williams from Flint, Michigan. Right, right. Yeah.

So maybe because that would be the place for robots to live because there's no water, so robots are fine. Right. So maybe that'll be the world's first robot town. That's a good idea. The world's first all robot town. Right, okay. So you're saying that this might be a robot as well. Okay.

I think there's, yeah. We sound paranoid. We sound paranoid that everyone's a robot now. Yeah. This is real tinfoil hat stuff. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Everyone who listens to our pod is a robot. All right.

Well, look, like I said, robot-friendly place here. If you are a robot, if you know any other robots that would be into this show, please pass it on. Won't it be cool in years to come where we've just gone insane, like we've literally both been committed and lost our minds. People can listen back to this right now and go, this was the beginning of it. Yeah.

Listen to how happy they sound. This was where it all started. A funny little riff that then ended in them just being legitimately insane. This is the bit where, this is the start of the bit that ended in them doing live shows and having bounces out the front and not saying sorry you're human you can't come in yes yes banning any sort of flesh metal detector and if it doesn't go off you're not great all right well thanks to everyone

uh flesh or machine, that listens, especially to our newer listeners, though, that are robot-based. Yep. Appreciate your... All you cyborgs out there, all you droids. Yep. Thank you to Johnny Five, Data, all of you out there. Yep.

Really appreciate it. Rosie the robot, that sexy nanny from the Jetsons. Oh, yeah. She's that sexy? Oh, she's sexy. Who's the hottest robot? That's a great question. What I was going to ask you before was how – what's the most –

if there's like sex robots, how humanoid would they have to be for you to fuck them? Like would it have to be like a 100 percent lifelike human or could it be dialed back a bit and you know still have a bit of silver and shit where you'd go i'd still be able to get my rocks off i'd fuck a dialect right now really okay that would have what a great answer to my question straight into the plunger yeah okay yeah um i saw a can of campbell soup in your pantry before that was looking pretty sexy. No, yeah, look, I don't know. There's a serious answer to that.

I figured it'd have to be pretty, pretty humanoid. I don't know. I don't know about... I'd go humanoid form, but all silver. I could still do. You know what I mean? As long as it was proportionately, like it's got eyes and stuff, it's in the shape of a lady.

But if it's silver and it's like clanking and stuff, I reckon's got eyes and stuff. It's in the shape of a lady. Right. But if it's silver and it's like clanking and stuff, I reckon I could still do it. Right. So if it had like a really super robot, old school robot voice, that would be better? Oh, the voice maybe. I think the voice would need – if the voice was human and the shape was human, but then it's like still silver and metal,

I could do it you could you do it could you do a dirty talking old school robot voice if it was saying fuck me tommy i could it would need exterminate my pussy it that but if it was um then fully humanoid form so it looks like skin okay it's i can either do robot looking, you know, outer, like human voice or vice versa. Human exterior robot voice. And the robot voice, it has to be Super Camp C3PO style. I would like a humanoid, completely humanoid,

but with the voice of R2-D2. Just beeping. Right. And so the way that you know that you're about to make it come is it sounds like a pokies machine about to go off. Yeah. Yeah, great. Great. I'd fuck a pokies, I reckon.

All right, guys. Thanks for listening. Thanks for subscribing. Thanks for supporting this science podcast that we do. Send us in your questions, your deep science questions that you want answered.

Purely about fucking robots. Let's get a thread going on the Facebook group of the sexiest robots. And what turns you off? You're not allowed to answer the robot from Ex Machina, that movie, because that's just a sexy lady-looking robot. Okay.

That doesn't count. And that's the point of the movie. Okay. So that's off the table immediately. Okay. Guys, thanks for listening. We'll see you next time. LittleDumbDumbClub.com for the links to all the tickets and stuff.

For everything. Yeah. To subscribe on Patreon and get your name read out just like that. How amazing would it be to be accused of being a robot? Yeah. For only plenty of money. Yeah. Yeah.

Totally. All right, guys. See you next week. See you then. See you, mate.