The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 439 - Ronny Chieng & Nick Cody

Episode Date: March 6, 2019

ROTTEN RONNY CHIENG is back in the country and NICK CODY has come in fresh from breakfast radio! We try and get some hot scoops on Crazy Rich Asians 2, hear about Ronny's catch up with Dave Thornton, sign some paperwork and pitch some video game ideas! PLUS in Talking Dum Dum, we learn Tommy's origin story.  Don't forget, we have a heap of live shows coming up:BRISBANE! You guys are awesome so we're coming back. March 17, 4pm.CANBERRA! We're back for one night only. March 23, 5pm. MELBOURNE! We're doing another month of huge shows at the Comedy Festival. Saturday March 30, April 6, April 13 & April 20, 4:30pm.We're also doing an extra show: Late Night Dum Dum. Friday April 5, 11:55pm. LONDON! Third and final show is now on sale! Saturday May 4, 3:15pm.KOH SAMUI! Come join us for a huge week of shows at an amazing resort. June 11 - 16. SYDNEY! Big live podcast and stand-up show. July 27, 7:30pm. NEWCASTLE! We're heading your way for the first time. Don't blow it! July 28, 5pm. For tickets, merchandise, links to our Patreon and heaps of other stuff, head to our website: littledumdumclub.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with special guests Ronnie Chang and Nick Cody. First of all though, we have a ton of live shows coming up that we very quickly need to let you know about. Brisbane, March the 17th, a massive show, heaps of tickets sold to that one. Get onto it quickly. Then we go Canberra, March 23, live podcast there at 5 o'clock. Also my solo show that same night, 9.30pm, then Melbourne, a bunch of shows. March 30, April 6, April 13, April 20 and also a late night show on

April the 5th I believe at midnight. Also we have solo shows running for that month. Mine starts on March the 31st. It's called Balding Cherub. Yours, Carl, is Saturdays after the live potties. Yep, it's quarter to 6 straight after the live potties. Yep. It's quarter to six, straight after the live potties. If you want to see the live pot at 4.30, you can then see my solo show straight afterwards

downstairs in the basement every Saturday. Then the annual drunk cast, April the 21st. Get into that with a ticket to one of the other shows with a donation on the door. Then we've got London. We're doing three shows in London. There's still a couple of tickets left for Saturday, May the 4th, then two sold-out shows on May the 5th. Also, I've just put my solo show on sale, May the 6th.

It's the bank holiday at 4pm. If you want to come see me do my hour show, Balding Cherub. Then Koh Samui, June 11th until 16th. Tickets selling well for that. It's going to be a whole week of live podcasts on the beach. Do go on adjoining us. It's going to be awesome. Hop onto that, littledumbdumbclub.com slash kosamui

if you would like more information about accommodation and everything. Then two big shows that we've just put on sale. July the 27th we are in Sydney doing a huge live podcast and two solo shows, all part of the one ticket, 7.30pm at the Giant Dwarf. Then the next day we are hopping on a little train heading to Newcastle on July the 28th, 5 p.m., first time in Newey, really looking forward to it. Both of those are selling very, very well already

in spite of the fact that they're ages away and we've only just put them on sale with not much fanfare at all. So those will sell very quickly. Get onto that now, littledumbdumbclub.com. We will be back at the end of the episode to do a Patreon read, which you can subscribe to if you want to support the show. But until then, enjoy this ripping new episode with Nick Cody, what of it, and Rotten Ronald Chang.

Ranny. of it and rotten Ronald Chang. Rennie. Hey, mates. Welcome into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. Sitting opposite me, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. Hey, Dickhead. Who have we got today? Oh, man. We've got two of our absolute favourite Hall of Famers,

two people that have really made it. Two people that have really made it in the industry, compared to us, anyway. Thank you. There was a bum outside my house that's made it compared to us. Anyway, joining us on the show today, Nick Cody and Ronnie Chang. Great to be back, guys. Really, thanks so much for having me.

Always good to see you guys. Haven't seen you guys in a while. Yeah, thanks, man. Thanks for turning up. I appreciate it. Very big of you. Yeah, thanks for harassing me every day online. Incessantly.

Every time I see you online, I dread it. Because I know the message is coming. Hey, do a podcast. Can you do a podcast? Hey, Ronnie, do you want to do a podcast? Hey, Ronnie, you said you were going to do it. Why haven't you turned up? This is non-stop.

Oh, yeah, a Christmas Eve show that you didn't turn up to. The fuck? I'm not even in your country. How am I supposed to show up for a Christmas Eve show? You were in the country. No, I wasn't. You were in the country. Was I in the country?

Yeah. You were down the road having dinner. We left you a voicemail in the middle of the show. Yeah, I remember what happened. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's cleared up. Good.

What did you have for dinner that night? I can't remember because my dad died. Okay. Interesting. That's what happened. Interesting. That's what happened. Yeah, he passed away on Christmas.

So I'm sorry I couldn't do a podcast. We're asking about Christmas Eve. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't muddy the waters with that sad story. I don't know if this is the Asian, my dog ate my homework. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't muddy the waters with that sad story. I don't know if this is the Asian, my dog ate my homework or what, but yeah. Yeah, so I'm sorry I couldn't attend your fucking podcast.

Yeah, well, I'm glad today your mum's all right. So, yeah. Yeah, thanks. This is the worst. Why did you want me on? You know I'm no good on your podcast. You're my favourite guest. No, but I'm historically... You're my favourite guest.

Yeah, but I'm historically not good on this podcast. You're not historically not good. You know that. You're being nice, but you know it. You just say that, and then I say, Ronnie, you're the best, and you go, oh, okay, okay. Because I don't want to go back and forth,

but historically, I'm not the best on this podcast because I defer to you guys too much. Yeah, you're too polite. I talk to the host. Yeah, I put you guys on a pedestal too much. Yeah, you're right. You are a bit suck up. Dude, you're wearing this Liverpool hat right now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It fucking looks like you got off a dead body. Why? I know you got one hat and you support me. I got two hats. Then wash it. Then wash one of them. I got three hats.

No, no, it's okay. That hat is particularly police evidence baggy. It's getting on. It might be time for an upgrade. It's okay. If you do a 23andMe on that, if you DNA test that hat, it's going to come back with the world's population.

It looks disgusting. The world's population? Yeah. That's a lot. So everyone's worn that hat at least once. The sisterhood of the travelling Liverpool population. It looks disgusting. The world's population? Yeah. That's a lot. So everyone's worn that hat at least once. It looks disgusting. The sisterhood of the

travelling Liverpool hat. Yeah. Just wash it. Now you're not even respecting your team anymore. You're disrespecting it by wearing something that looks like a homeless person.

Yeah, yeah. To be fair, if you take a half, you still look like a homeless person. I appreciate how he puts you on a pedestal, Kyle. Thanks for deferring to the host once again.

Why do you look like a homeless person? What do you think it is? As in, if you had to break it down, is it the shape? And let's remember, Carl, you wanted this. You demanded it. Is the rest of your family all right today? Are you sure? I'll go check out.

No, but is it the banana-shaped face or is it the eyes from the mouth? What is it that makes you look like homeless? I don't know. I don't know. I don't look at me all the time. It's hard for me to know. I can't be a judge, a fair judge. When you were growing up, did you know you were a Bogan

or did you think you were good? I lived in Maribor. What do you think? No, but sometimes you don't know. I went to a private school in Hoppus Crossing, so I was like la-di-da so I got to the city then I was like

nah I know where I stand now I've been working no I'm not going to compare to other people in Maribor no no that's for someone else's call that's someone else's call to make yeah but let's say

Jill was saying I'm not fat yeah yeah yeah okay I get it what age were you where you realised this place is fucked like where you went

this isn't a normal part of the world. No, that's a good question. I don't know. I just thought everywhere was like that because I didn't live anywhere else. Yeah. So probably like now. Just Ronnie saying it just then, that made you realise.

Right until now, I thought Mirabai was awesome. It was perfect. I remember just seeing movies as a kid and going where I live is fucked it was like I'd rather be on Elm Street than in the movie seeing Black Hawk Down God where have these shit all been yeah

it's a good question yeah it's a good question when you first realised you were fucked in the face. Yeah, yeah. Actually, you're right. I remember watching the accused with Jodie Foster

where she was getting raped on a pinball and going, I wish I was there. I wish I wasn't in Maribor anymore. I wish I was in this movie. Oh, my God. So I guess what? You guys are quintessential Melbourne podcast, but you managed to escape the fucking blogging woke crowd.

How do you guys do that? Just by people not listening to you. Good to see you. No matter how famous you get, you're still obsessed with the bloggers. That's been since day one of you being on this podcast. Does anyone have a blog anymore? I don't know. No one has a blog.

But you know what I'm trying to say. It's the attitude. It's not the actual blog. It's the fucking... That's what I heard. So you've just done a bunch of shows in brisbane i was just talking to a friend of the show dave thornton yeah and he was like saying oh yeah so running all he was saying was don't go and talk to the audience man go don't

talk to them they're just assholes you're just gonna get obsessed you're gonna say they're gonna say something fucked and he said he saw your show and at the end you go hey come and get my merch but i'm not gonna be there because one of you is going to say something's going to fucking piss me off i'll go crazy so goodbye i'm not going to be there this is a huge paraphrasing by the way it has the accent that's pretty good yeah by by marabinon i don't even think that's an accent when i do that i think that's just a ronnie that's your own accent that's not race that's just you whatever fucked robot you are. That's whatever that is.

So, yeah. I mean, I don't like... Yeah. At the end, it's just like you can't meet people after shows anymore. That's it. Because you're too fucked. Right. No.

And I say I love... At your shows. Yeah. I say I love you guys. Your fans are fucked. No. I said at the end of the show, I said I love all of you guys. Thanks so much for coming out.

But for my own mental health, I can't meet any of you people because you're so fucked. And they get it. And then I say like, just right now, just think of all the fucked things you want to ask me right now. And you know.

And then they're like, yeah, we know. And then we saw everybody wins. How many times have you done a gig that went great and then you meet the people afterwards and you just end the night on this side? Look, it is fair.

Yeah, we're trapped. We're trapped having to have nonstop full access to the people who listen to this. Just people messaging one-on-one to go, oh, hey, man, what I said in the group, was that a bit mean? I'm sorry if I was a cunt. It's like, yeah, I don't have enough to do instead of babysit this grown man and tell them when they're being inappropriate. We have had a couple of shows lately where we got cornered by people going, hey, thanks for doing the show,

but here's my three problems I have with what you did tonight. Fucking hell. Wait, but was it done like ironic? No. Oh, shit. What was the three things? Your face, one.

Yeah, face was all three. Face was all three. What? Yeah. But seriously though, you two both look like shit. Thanks, man. Do you know that?

Yeah, that's why we're doing this. Are you aware that you are fucked in the face? Yes. I've met you before. I'm very aware. This is a man that's got a scarred face from a bicycle accident. His face literally ground its way down a hill. Are you trying to not body shame us

but face shame us because of how I body shamed you when you were a big fat fuck and now you're someone because I peeled those 30 kilos off you. Was it 30? It was closer to 10. But my wife brings up all the time.

You could lose a few more. Chando the commando. My wife brings this up all the time. She says, I know the exact moment you decided to lose weight. You could lose a few more. Chando the commando. My wife brings this up all the time. She says, I know the exact moment you decided to lose weight. And it was when you wore the yellow under armour. To indoor soccer. To indoor soccer.

And Kyle Fats shamed you. I said, that banana is ripe. Oh, cool. The peanut M&M's come to play with us. And ever since then, I've got to say, man, the peanut M&Ms come to play with us. And ever since then, like I say, manufacturing works. Wow. I knew that Chang's had a banana farm. I didn't realise it was their son.

We're going to stop watering that thing. Yeah. And so, yeah. So every time you're doing missionary sex on top of your wife, she says thank you Chando yep yep

couldn't do this before yeah so she yeah like it was when because I was playing soccer with you you called me fat

yeah and then I was like wow this is the only thing you have on me so fuck it never again and then I lost 10 kilos through pure anger I i shout out 10 kilos

you burned it off just sitting here yeah just right in one night yeah yeah so thank you so much god you're welcome man but i mean yeah what can you do about your face then nothing yeah is there anything you'd like to work on that he could shame you into fixing now? Oh, that's a great question. No, I think I'm pretty good. Tardiness? Can you late shame me? I was late today. I'm sorry, guys. I was a bit busy.

You were a bit late. I appreciate it. Hey, you're busy. I know you're busy. You're on ads now. You're doing like, you used to be on a beer ad even though you don't drink beer.

That was a great campaign. I will drink. At least some of us lived that fucking life running Chang. You don't drink beer. You did a beer campaign. I will drink... At least some of us lived that fucking life, Ronnie Ching. You don't drink beer, you did a beer campaign. What's next? Are you doing a mental health campaign? Ronnie Ching for Are You Okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Call Lifeline, you fucking idiot. Are you okay? Why aren't you okay? Get okay? Get okay Get okay Always be okay Get okay you idiot Or kill yourself

Why don't you Mental health shame me Into being okay Yeah Doing ads for Visa now Visa now yeah I saw your Visa ad last night. Thanks.

Oh, where? Running around. Yeah, it was on TV. Oh, cool. I didn't even know. They didn't even tell me to put it on TV. Yeah, yeah. I thought you meant you saw his Visa ad last night

and the fact that he bought us a round of drinks. Oh, no. Was that on your Visa? Yeah, sure. Yes, it was on my Visa. Yeah, nice. Oh, yeah. All I got to say is Visa Mobile is now available in Australia.

Always use Visa responsibly. Right. Great. Shout out Visa. Yeah. Nice. Great brand. Great company.

I guess it was that energy that got you the role in the business. Obviously. Always use Visa. For the product. Visa is really good, man. I always picture it as more of a Donner's Club fan. But why are you still come at me With the fat thing

I lost it You've got nothing on me now You can do a few more What No Get rid of a couple more I think What Just look like you know

What are you talking about Just a couple more What do you want me to look like Like Jonathan Schuster Just normal Just normal Normal Like rounder eyes

And Yo so I started doing Brazilian Jiu Jjitsu in November. Yeah. Also part of my exercise, like to lose weight. And God, I tell you, man, great for working out aggression. Ever since I started...

Yeah, I can tell. You've been pretty calm. Yeah. Ever since I started doing... You must have done a session. That's what you were like here for. Ever since I started doing jiu-jitsu, I stopped arguing

with people online completely 100% stopped not even one comment now you track them down yeah choke them out of their driveway

and broke their mouth yeah and there's something about it I think guys just need to practice killing people right I think it's a thing how long do you think

you'll have to do it for before you'll be able to handle being at the merch table after the show wow that's a great question that's at the merch table after the show? Wow, that's a great question. The merch table is just you're

behind the counter just doing some Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and that allows you to... I'll need to defeat Conor McGregor before I can... Handle talking after shows.

Yeah, before. That's the level of aggression I need to work out before I can even... What's the merch? What do you got now? You got the socks? I got socks now, yeah.

So I don't want to sell anything that I wouldn't buy myself. Right. Okay. That's So I don't want to sell anything that I wouldn't buy myself. Right. Okay. That's why I don't sell condoms. Hey! Yeah, nice.

My man's gone bareback. Why would a virgin sell condoms? I guess so, yeah, sure. I don't know why you're coming up with this virgin thing. I'm like married. You don't do roots. Yeah, but I'm married. So what the fuck?

So I don't have sex even though I'm married so what the fuck so I don't have sex even though I'm married well that's what she said that's what she said that's the most understated that's what she said that's what she said

I guess I just get a lot of messages from Heather and from Heather oh no the word unsatisfied comes up a lot

that's all that's all what the fuck were you talking about Oh no, the word unsatisfied comes up a lot, that's all. What the fuck were you talking about? Jiu-Jitsu. No, your socks. Socks, yeah. So selling socks now because... With your head on them.

With my face on them, yeah. And they sell pretty well after shows. Well, what would you know? Because you're not there. I'm not there, but I'm told. The reports come back. You see the receipts yeah

very popular Dave Thornton I was saying before Dave Thornton friend of the show said he was just doing some shows in Brisbane with you

and he said he went to I met up with him for brunch yeah he had brunch with you yeah he's a good friend I meet up with friends for brunch he sounds like a good friend since you skipped out

on the bill for him but yeah oh no no that was I only took Mastercard did I not why do you

fuck this place visa or I'm not paying but no because the the the fucking shop like they fucked up

what okay so the the thing is that I had to go catch a flight and I met up with Dave and and the fucking shop took too long

to process the bills I said Dave can you please help me I'm scared I'll miss my flight. So Dave handled it. I was going to pay him back, but he's too nice. Also, he's making too much money. You mean the shop took too long to process the bills?

They fucking got the wrong table. And then, you know, Australia, they don't work on tips. Everyone here, the standard of living is so high that everyone gets lazy as fuck. Just taking a sweet time to bring up the fucking bill. I love he slipped in and Dave Dave's doing fine yeah he's on Fox 40

you're on the Daily Show it's all TV it's all TV it's all the same screen you know guys he's got two kids he's fine no no no

you are generous because he said when you turned up you were being very generous you turned up with like an armful of stuff from the minibar from your hotel

go hey man do you want this I got a free Fanta and a free chocolate bar that's free from my hotel, but I don't want it. Do you want it? And he's like, no. Just have the Fanta. Just have it.

Wait. What? Wait, so... So it was a complimentary minibar. Yeah. And you raided it and... Well, it was a complimentary... The Robin Hood of minibars.

Just handing it out. Which, man, to be fair, if you give Thornton a Hotel Fanta and chocolate bar, you've given him $38 worth of merch. You've covered breakfast. Yeah. But you didn't know I'd take it. Wait, did you just call Dave just to find out?

How did you even know I was hanging out with him? Because I was talking to him just before. Oh. And he mentioned it. Fucking, you're doing a research to Rosen on the thing. I didn't do my research. I was talking to him. I'm probably shutting it down.

He's on Chinese Twitter. You know what I mean he doesn't want information passing freely is it Kibo is that the name of it Weibo Weibo

no forget it it's Weibo Weibo don't worry about it close enough do you argue with people on Weibo no because if you argue

too loud the government makes you both shut up yeah well I was hanging out with Dave he's a great Well, because if you argue too loud, the government comes in and makes you both shut up. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I was hanging out with Dave. He's a great... He didn't complain at all

during the brunch. I don't know why all this disgruntled shit is coming. Yeah, he's a very generous guy. Happy to, like, pay for whatever. Yeah, dude. What did you order? What did he pick up for you?

I guess I ate, like, some bullshit avocado. By the look of you, a couple of cheesecakes Do you think Why are you coming With this fat thing How cute is this

Nothing I was just a guess No but it doesn't stick at all The fat thing doesn't stick anymore I'm not trying to stick anything Something's sticking to you But you know Probably the cheesecake

But what Like whatever Wait so what You got What is your ideal body shape Because it's definitely Not what you have What is your ideal Like what people Supposed definitely Not what you are What is your ideal

What people are supposed To look like Honestly Like you About 5 kilos less 5 kilos less 5 kilos under that But who looks like me

But 5 kilos less Schuster Brenda Maloney You just bring up people That aren't in this universe People don't know who that is Oh wait You never got Schuster on this

No Who's the skinny Tommy Dastley looks good to me Yeah Tommy looks good to you? Yeah, he's about five kilos under you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you think?

Take a good look, Ronnie. Yeah. This is what peak male performance looks like. You look like if a baby just stayed proportional and just got bigger. Yeah. A baby got the Super Mario mushroom and just got scaled up. Yeah. mushroom and just got scaled up yeah just you know just change the algorithm in photoshop and just like scaled it up yeah no point mocking me as we've heard i'm carl's ideal man exactly

exactly my ideal baby man so are you guys gonna fight soon because you fight with all your comedy friends so when is this fight gonna happen no do you have any friends in comedy anymore i don't fight with anyone what do you mean you don't this fight going to happen? No. Do you have any friends in comedy anymore? I don't fight with anyone. What do you mean you don't fight with anyone? You fight with everybody. I mean, you're a good friend. Yeah, we're okay because we understand each other. But I don't know if any...

This is like jazz. Yeah. If any comedian hangs out... Autistic jazz. Any comedian hangs out with you for more than two years, you become enemies, right? What's wrong with that? Who wants to be friends with anyone in comedy?

Everyone's insane That's true, I guess You grow out of bands that you loved when you were younger You know, you buy new clothes Rotate friends every six months Yeah, yeah, yeah Get rid of your parents You know, that sort of thing

Normal thing I almost went to argue that not all comedians are crazy Then I realised it's like a beautiful Melbourne day and we're just four mental screaming into microphones and our friends

got like four hours left in the city yeah yeah and then you've got kids that we should be going up to babies at home do you think

there's a more proportion of ugly people ugly guys in Melbourne comedy or is it just proportional to Melbourne like it's a

disproportionable amount disproportionate amount of ugly people in comedy comedy or is it just proportional to Melbourne? Like, it's a disproportionable amount, disproportional, disproportionate amount of ugly people in comedy. I think it's gotten better in the last two years or so. You think? Yeah.

But, since you left, yeah. I went and saw, I went and saw Crazy Rich Asians. Thank you. I went to the cinema. Thank you I went to the cinema

Oh you went to the cinema Yeah I paid good money Cool Yeah it was great I loved it It was like one of my favourite films In the last couple of years I loved it

Oh wow What a surprise What is a surprise? When's the last movie you watched Like in a cinema I probably only see A couple a year Yeah

But I loved it It was Tommy Dasso was asking me The other week When was the last time I cried I cried In Crazy Rich Asians I don't know why I can but i loved it it was tommy dasso was asking me the other week when was the last time i cried i cried in crazy rich asians i don't know why i can't remember what bit it was but i saw a business class seat on a plane i'll never get there you saw some boomba walk onto the screen hey he has a name That was great And then

I got the DVD Can you sign my DVD I've got the DVD What is going on here I'm waiting for the sugar drop Not a Blu-ray Wait also I can't believe how

I got the DVD Oh wow He's pulled out The Crazy Rich Asians DVD The colours aren't right On that cover It looks like it's pirated

This will date well Not Carl Not Carl who always goes to Thailand There's no way that's a pirated DVD Don't even sell it over there You buy more DVDs in Australia than you can in Thailand He got crazy rich Asians from a very poor Asian Did you cry because you saw Asian people

Who you couldn't control with money? This would be good You were seeing Asian people Who you couldn't control with money? This would be good. You were seeing Asian people who you couldn't control with money for the first time? They had a strong economy. And I was like, this is so sad. You saw one where the exchange rate wasn't in your favor? Not Singapore!

I saw girls in this movie that I couldn't get to touch me for $8 Australian. Carl just yelling at the screen, happy ending. Can I do a podcast festival inside here? Thinks he's in the Crazy Horse Cinema. Whips it out. Oh yeah, this is great. Yeah, well, thanks for watching, man. I'm surprised you so freely admit to crying.

I guess this is a new stage in mental health awareness that you can just say that now. No, no, no. Tommy asked me the other week and I thought that's a good question and then I thought about it. What part did you cry in? I don't know, I can't now. No, no. Tommy asked me the other week and I thought, that's a good question and then I thought about it. What part did you cry in? I don't know.

I can't remember. I'm a teary fuck in movies. Yeah, I'm... See, movies is my one. Like, you know, because they set it up, they orchestrate it, they want to hit you

and it's like, yeah, you got me, you got me. Really? I do not remember which bit it was in. It's a recent... It's not like it came out in 1974.

It's a recent film. But like, I have a lot of stuff that happens in my life. You saw it like a month ago. Well, I fucking care what happened in that movie. Which one of these,

I assume, Bollywood songs got you in this film? Have you watched it? Yeah, I saw it in the movies. It was fucking great. You know who hates that movie? You know who hates your movie?

Oh, here we go. Oh, here we go. You know who hates your movie, Crazy Retroations? If you said a name, I wouldn't be surprised. Okay, well, here we go. Have a guess. No, you guess. Try and guess. Someone we know. Yeah, someone who's been on the show. Who hates the movie. Crazy Rich Asians? If you said a name, I wouldn't be surprised. Okay, well, here we go. No, you guess.

Try and guess. Someone we know. Yeah, someone who's been on the show. Who hates the movie. A friend of the show. Who hates this movie, a friend of the show. Hates the movie you were in, the worldwide number one blockbuster, Crazy Rich Asians.

Which I haven't seen, by the way. Oh, you haven't seen it? I haven't seen it yet. It's great. I'm going to wait for the book. Oh, yeah, right. You can win this after Ronnie signs it. Can you sign you haven't seen it? I haven't seen it yet. It's great. I'm going to wait for the book. Oh, yeah, right. You can win this after Ronnie signs it. Yeah, can you sign my Netflix stream of it?

He's waiting for the Nintendo Switch game. Just motion control dancing at the wedding. Hit the top buttons. Force my daughter into marrying someone else. Hit the top buttons. Gong. daughter into marrying someone else hit the top buttons hang on cross zero

square force my son into being a lawyer right right that's awesome god mode

using two remote chopsticks oh wow you have to buy a new attachment. That's a great idea, though. Fucking a sketch about the

Crazy Asians video game. Tune into The Daily Show in a month, guys. We know where this one's going to end up. Thanks for the idea, man. Thanks for the money. They wouldn't rip us off. Trevor Noah's been nothing but nice to us. Who hated it?

Who hated it? Sam Dastyari. Dastyari? No, no. Not senator of the show. I mean, No, no. Not senator of the show. I mean, he might, but not senator of the show. I love that. Who's the...

Did you get Grant Dyer on? Who? Grant Dyer? Yeah. No, not... Yeah, he's been on once, but not here. I can't guess. What a guess.

Sam Dastyari and Grant Dyer. Well, your guess is for people who've told us that they don't like Crazy Rich Asians. Yeah. Sam Dastyari hates Crazy Rich Asians for a different reason. He used to love them. He used to love them, but yeah. That's fair. You gave me some clues.

Okay. Is he fucked in the face? Oh, look, there's a case to be made. I don't know. Oh, he's fucked in the face. Okay. I don't know. But you think that of literally everyone.

Yeah. You think that of us. And we do very well for ourselves. You know, we're heartthrobs in Australian podcasting. I already know it wasn't Luke Heggy. Unless it was showed in some Sydney French cinema. Fucking cross on either. Not unless it was a serialisation done in The Big Issue.

And he read it every week. On his lunch break. I don't know, man. Who is it? Who hates it? The person who hates your movie, Crazy Rich Asians, number one across the world, Tom Ballard. Tom Ballard hates it. Hates this movie.

Hates it. Told us. Hates it. Are you spreading fake news right now? No, not at all. I had an argument with him because I was saying I loved it. And he was like, how can you love it? What one part of it is any good? And of course, he was like how can you love it what one part

of it is any good and of course I was like my good friend Ronnie Chang was excellent acting in it

but he was like no not even that bit hated the whole idea of it hated the whole culture

of everything hated the whole culture of everything hated the continent how's the view under

that bus ballad we've turned him around he's now anti-boat people after this movie the continent. How's the view under that bus, Ballard? We've turned him around. He's now anti-boat people after this movie. Wow. Yeah, there was a guy who kissed a girl at the end

who was like, boo! Trying to get a reefer. Fucking hell. Talk about throwing someone under the rickshaw. He started a charity gig after the cinema

to try to protest it. Raising funds to protest. Yeah, maybe he only likes poor Asians because they're from Singapore. They're all millionaires. He's like, no, not for me. Yeah, he hates it so much he doesn't even want people from Manus Island to go to Malaysia. Man, you know, how much is it to get a car in Singapore? I heard it's some insane amount.

Insane amount? No, no. Oh, it's a bike car because you've got to have the license. Yeah, yeah. heard it's some insane amount. Insane amount? No, no. Oh, it's a black car because you've got to have the license because they don't want to know people driving. No, no. You can get a car

for like $100,000 easy. Oh, great. But what about the driver's license? Doesn't it cost like heaps so that just to make sure? Just the license, it's just $100,000. It's not that bad.

Oh. And then you buy the car for like, you know, it'll be about $50,000. Yeah. Right. So $150,000 to drive is that all

yeah it's very reasonable yeah a driver's license costs $100,000 no not the driver the license to own a car yes

like you have a license then you to own the car it's called a COE certificate so that's a lot of money in this country I don't know if you remember

from two years ago when you lived here but that's a lot of money well this country. I don't know if you remember from two years ago when you lived here but that's a lot of money. Well, when he was rich here. It's about three or four avocados, right? Wait, Tom hates it? No, but it's fair enough to hate it. I mean, I'm not going to

argue him into it. Yeah, if he hates it, he hates it. I mean, it's art. What if we told you we know this from his blog? He wrote about it on there. Oh, no. He blogged about it.

Sure, you can blog about it. I mean, what? If he didn't like it, I'm sure he felt strongly about it. He's a very good judge of character. Fuck, what if we said we didn't like it? Oh, fuck you guys. You have no standards.

Look at what you're wearing and you hate my movie? Well, just as well, I love it. It was my film of the year, Ronnie. Oh, that's crazy. And the two that I saw in the cinema last year what was the other movie you saw

I don't remember so were you supposed to reveal that Tom he's okay with that being public who knows oh fuck

am I the sort of person that checks up on that sort of thing yeah no if you tell you it's over you're the leaker you're a leak

you're just a huge leak but it's great this was like number one all around the world so that means do you get like a percentage or is it just a flat figure wow But it's great. This was like number one all around the world. So that means, do you get like a percentage or is it just a flat figure? Wow, they asked me this on the fucking project on national TV. It was like, how much money did you make from this? I didn't ask that directly.

I'm just saying, do you get a percentage? Did you get points? Yeah. Guys, no, I didn't get points. What about the next one? Because you're definitely going to make a number two, yeah. Do you get a cut of merch sales? The little Ronny Chieng action figures that are coming out.

Just pointing angrily. Dude, that's a great idea. Because you were good in it. You were good in this. You were good. Thanks a lot. I appreciate it. I mean, I don't know how you did it.

I mean, you got the role of like a fucking angry asshole Asian rich guy. Fuck, you're a real fucking Meryl Streep, aren't you? It really stretched you. You've been Daniel Day-Lewising it for 30 years now. I really like that everyone, you know,

back home really supported it. That's really nice, you know. Yeah. Back home? Just home in Australia? No, I mean Australia, yeah. Oh, okay. Oh, you call Australia home?

Yeah, like the Qantas home. Yeah. Yeah, by Qantas. Qantas. Qantas. What by Qantas Qantas Qantas what's next so this is that was number one surely you're gonna

be in another movie yeah I don't I mean I hope so yeah I hope that or is that it it's just like

your number one like done film yeah done my real why should I do movies my real love

the reason I started doing this at all was to be on dumbass podcasts. Great. You're going to bring back the Ron effect. No, I just... This is...

So this is it for you as well because now you're on the number one podcast. Yeah. So it's over. Are you guys actually ranked number one in the thing? No. Why can't you get there?

Why not? Yeah. Okay, why not? Just get it done. Yeah. Well, maybe now you're on this one, we will. No. With your star power.

Your fans historically don't get along. Our fans and you? Yeah. How come? I don't know. Do you know how much Crazy Rich Asians grossed? Domestically?

$240 million. Worldwide, I think, was $260. And how much did you make out of it? $260 million worldwide. No, no, no. Plus, you may not know this, another film actor, The Merger, and you combine that and it's 260 million worldwide. It stays the same, but the point is there's two film stars on this podcast.

Hey, but The Merger was great, man. Thanks, man. It was cool. He didn't go see it in the movies, you piece of shit. But you couldn't. To be fair, you couldn't. It was on for like half an hour at 2pm

or something I went I went to the one session I think I got in yeah I saw it did you cry I did cry

oh right yeah it was about footy and I was like I don't know what's going on I'm so confused look at all these buff men on the screen

I'm scared can't believe these refos are better at a game I grew up with. It's all right. Refos is used in the film. The Time Lake merger? Best movie ever. Ballard would have loved it.

Number two, Crazy Rich Asians 2. When's it out? I don't know, mate. What are you filming? Because you filmed this during the Coastal Movie International Podcast Festival. That's what I meant. I knew it was just him getting to will Thailand

be in Crazy Rich Asians 2. He bought a DVD to get that one across the line. Dude, why didn't you just buy digitally?

No one uses DVDs. No, to be fair, my wife bought this. She loves buying DVDs at the supermarket. Supermarket

DVDs? Yeah. Where is she from? Where is she from? Yeah, what city? Melbourne. Which country? Yeah, what city? Melbourne

Which country? Melbourne She's got Italian heritage What do you think about that? So you disrupted your purity Yeah Yeah, exactly Yeah, we've got Maribor slash Italy in our kid

That's why she still gets DVDs Just like her mama used to watch movies Yeah, yeah, yeah My kid is half Maribor, half Italian, which means she coward punches meatballs. Very good. Isn't your kid... Oh, hell yeah.

Perfect joke structure. Isn't your kid Like a third Her A third you And a third your mom Because Aren't you like An inbred fuck

Because if you're not You look like it So you might as well be Yeah okay Alright So The sequel I don't know

I don't know when it's coming out I have no news I'm very glad you guys liked it I'm sorry to hear Tom didn't like it but hey that's fair man if he didn't like

I mean but I don't know how you can watch this like what you said I don't know how you can watch this movie and go there's nothing redeeming about this movie

like you can hate some part you can hate you know maybe it's obvious rom-com you can hate the maybe if you're like

a super socialist would you call this a ron-com? yeah Ron-com also the money in it you know the extreme wealth in it

is like a it's satire it's like you're making fun of these idiots who have so much money but they aren't happy that's what the movie's about you know so

I mean I don't know Singapore looks awesome in it I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you don't like anything about the movie you're probably a fucking racist you're probably a fat racist who doesn't enjoy anything anyone else is doing if you're not in the project.

It's all I'm trying to say. Yeah, yeah. I mean, if you look at Tom Ballard, you wouldn't think he's a racist just by looking at him. I mean, the whitest guy of all time. No, that's why I love Ballard. Ballard's just there doing comedy for the people. Ticket's $34. No, that's why I love Ballard.

Ballard's just there doing comedy for the people. Ticket's $34. What is it? Lawrence Mooney said they bring the refugees straight into his box office. He said, let's all take little refugees. Get a boat full of money. Ronnie, are you on the commentary track on the DVD? Oh, good question.

No, you guys should do a commentary track. Oh, we should. Let's do one now. Oh, let's do one for a bonus Patreon episode. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, you guys should do a commentary track. Oh, we should. Let's do one now. Oh, let's do one for a bonus Patreon episode. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, okay. Alright, let's do it. Can I borrow that DVD?

And also, can I borrow a DVD player? Do you not have one? Oh, no, I can play them on the PlayStation. Are you back to the days of you borrowing stuff and not returning it?

Like money? No, those days are behind me. Behind you? Yeah, you're doing very well. We're in Tom Dazzalo's house right now. Dude.

Tom Dazzalo. Did he borrow money off you? What's the problem you got with Tommy? No, I didn't borrow money off you. You didn't borrow

any money? No, he never borrowed money. I just heard all these stories about him borrowing money. I got a bit upset. I'm the enforcer

of the Melbourne Comedy. You're the comedy ombudsman. Would you elect me comedy ombudsman yeah would you elect me comedy ombudsman yeah I'm fine with that that's good

comedy rombudsman I'm happy I'm happy for you to turn up every two years and just sort everything out yeah yeah yeah come in a judge dread costume

yeah yeah yeah just let loose you're doing great look at this apartment's beautiful your pillows are yellow which is yeah I need to get new

I need to buy new bed linen everything is pretty neat and tidy I don't see any you know it doesn't smell you don't see any smell yeah that's big of you

doesn't smell yeah it looks neat you took your shoes off when you came in that was very polite that's not a rule that I have but very nice of you

to disassume yeah your couch looks like you know I would sit on it. I wouldn't be scared of sitting on it. Most comedians' couches. It's a nice table. Now, Ronnie, you brought something in with you.

Oh, yeah, I brought my will. Right. I just need two people to help me sign it. Great. Or witness it. And you thought we were appropriate? No, I'm about to get on a flight. You were the last option.

Yeah, so you guys are like the Qantas air stewardess oh thank you for thinking of us over there we'll sign it but you gotta you gotta put us in there we gotta get something I didn't ask you to sign it

you need two people there's three people here yeah Cody you're banned Cody's on my side for sure Cody Cody took my sofa once

he owes me oh really I gave him a place to stay I didn't take it I slept on it oh in New York no in Melbourne

no in Melbourne one night he got kicked out and then he had nowhere to go oh really and the comedy ombudsman oh yeah

handled it the comedy airbnb the comedy airbnb yeah just like when Harley didn't have any fucking money to go back home from New Zealand

the comedy ombudsman had to come in and fucking buy him a ticket. Shout out Harley Briggs. I'm going to hook you up with Red Hot Chili Peppers tickets. I can do that now. It's like you have 0% interest rates, but the fee that you pay in the constant bullying afterwards is far worse. Just charge me a 10%. I'll cop it. So what's it say in your will?

Like where's it all going? Where's all the crazy Rich Asians movies The thing is everyone listening out there look you got to handle your shit because you could go anytime and if you don't handle your shit

other people have to handle it for you and it becomes a huge fucking burden which I experienced earlier this year and so we just get your will in order

you get two witnesses to sign it. You don't even need a lawyer, apparently. I don't know. Aren't you a lawyer? Man, Ronnie, I think you know,

I did film your audition for The Daily Show. Oh, yeah, that's right. And I'd be more than happy to sign your will. You've been there all the major moments of my life. My will signing.

One of the toughest parts of my life was there only one set of footprints in the sand because Cody was maggot and had you over his shoulders. So yeah, if you guys could... Maybe you can be there the first time he has sex as well. I've had sex,

I just haven't cum yet. Not until the paperwork's in order and he can start throwing jizz. He thinks cumming could kill him. Not until the paperwork's in order. Then he can start throwing jizz. He thinks coming could kill him. That's why we've got the will in order. He's held on for too long. It's like your spirit exiting your body.

It's an ancient oriental idea. I can't wait for Ronnie to bust and look down at it and go, wow, that looks like what I had for dessert last night. Oh, it looks like what I'm having for dessert tonight. So talk us through it. What's in there? Where's it all going? I haven't read it. You haven't read it?

I haven't read it, no. I can't sign anything I haven't read. Give me a break, you fucking idiot. Just sign it. Like you even know how to read. Child. Child includes Adopted child

Have you had an adopted child? What? What's going on here? Guys A will is to prepare for eventualities Okay Not reality You fucking dumb idiots

Okay Okay so Hannah Who's Hannah? I know your wife Heather Who's this Hannah? This is someone else And then

Put a clause in there How do you pronounce your middle name Ronnie? Oh Singy Singy Singy No close enough middle name, Ronnie? Singy. Singy. No, close enough. Okay, so if money... Singy.

Singsy. Singsy. Singer. Singer. Money Productions Trust. Sing us a song, Piano Man. If Heather survives me, I point her as trustee of Money Productions Trust. Money Productions Trust.

Is that your company? Money Productions sounds like something like a shit rapper has. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's because my surname in Chinese means money. Oh, really? Yeah. Does it?

Yeah. Fuck yeah. Ching. Close enough. So just stop reading it and just fucking sign it. Oh, sorry. My bad. Man, just sign this contract you haven't read.

Yeah, yeah. Put a clause in here that if something happens to him, his child still has to appear on any podcast that he's committed to. That's pretty funny. You could actually edit it right now. You could write in a clause right now, but don't.

If I write in a clause on one of the other pages, if I put in 13, if foul play happens... When it says adopt a child here, are you here to take Carl and my babies? To give them a better life? This is me. Two less fucked people in the world.

Gift of estate. If Hannah survives me, I give the entirety of my estate to him. What? It says to him. Okay. I guess Hannah has to transition. Oh, no. What a way to find him. Okay. Oh. I guess Hannah has to transition. Oh, no.

To get... What a way to find out. Wow. It's all right. That's legal. That's a legal name. Yeah, it is legal. Wow.

Okay. I'm witness number one. Yeah. All right, here we go. Carl... Can you spell your name? It's with a K, right? Yeah.

Carl... Candy Liars. Chandlersars Chandlers Chandlers Well signing this thing On a park I wish we could Show people

Yeah yeah I gotta put my address In the app Fucking hell I gotta give you my address Yeah let's read it out On the podcast No don't do that

Did you move Did you move Yeah I moved Moved to a nicer house Yeah Alright Where'd you move to? In Hawthorne.

I'm still in Hawthorne. Don't worry. Hawthorne boy. Is that your AFL team? No. What's your AFL team? Essendon. Essendon.

The Mighty Bombers, mate. Yeah, yeah. The Drugs Guys. Yeah, the Drugs Guys. Yeah. That's our mascot. A big swing. That's Greg Fleet.

That's the Essendon Fleets. You've got to get Tommy to sign it what's this address what's this address you've put in what do you mean yeah you've got an Australian address there

this is the Australian will I've got a US one this is an Australian one but what's that address what's that address there where do you lose that's my in-laws ah okay

right right right what's your American address do you want to give that out yeah guys I think we're revealing too much of this will on this podcast I was looking Okay. What's your American address? Do you want to give that out? Yeah. Guys, I think we're revealing too much of this will on this podcast. I was looking through the details.

What are you passing on? How much money you got in your bank account? Dude, don't worry about it. Okay? It's not about you. You just witness the fucking document

and that's it. I want to know what I'm putting my name to. I want to know what's being transferred through my name. We're just going to get a bunch of Visa cards open in our names

you guys signed it all right great okay so now all your shit is mine now jokes on you guys oh wow jokes on you yeah yeah fuck so welcome to come and get my secondhand couch so you guys having babies uh you guys gonna do a baby show at the comedy festival now to win the Barry? Are you guys going to have a Barry one? Do they win Barrys? I think they do.

I think that means you're too old and no one gives a fuck. No offense. Oh, Jesus. When are you going to have a baby now? Because the pressure's always been on us. What about you? You're successful. You've got money.

You've got nothing to worry about. Why don't you have a baby now? Dude, babies. I can't even. Come on, man. Why not? It's so much trouble. That's so much work. The smell. It's a lot got money. You got nothing to worry about. Why don't you have a baby now? The baby's, I can't even, come on, man. Why not? It's so much trouble. That's so much work.

The smell, it's a lot of money. Yeah. But you're set up for it. You're good. What about your wife? Does she want a baby? No, she doesn't want one.

She doesn't want one? Yeah. Really? So, yeah. I mean, fair. I mean, who wants a fucking dumber version of you coming?

Are you guys, so what, you're happy did you want this baby yeah sure what do you mean yeah sure

that's not I can't wait for her to be old enough to listen to this I said yeah sure

that's two words meaning yes so that's double affirmative run that argument

by your way look at him he's crying rolling around on the floor and his son is just there staring at him why is dad like this rolling around on the floor. And his son is just there staring at him.

Why is dad like this? Why is he watching Crazy Rich Asians? So you both just had babies without thinking about how you're going to pay for it? I did think about it. We're both doing all right. Really? Yeah, we're okay. Okay.

Yeah. I'm one half of a podcast. I'm doing great. Yeah. I run an open mic night on a Monday night in Melbourne how many I just did a split show

at Perth Fringe with Luke Heggy see I don't run an open mic night I can't afford the kid it's the only thing holding me back it's the only thing

stopping me so this is your first legitimate baby yeah what about all the ones in Thailand do they feel all the ones in Thailand

feel left out or you don't really do you ever visit them no they don't know the ones in Thailand do they feel all the ones in Thailand feel left out or you don't really do you ever visit them no they don't know the ones in Thailand don't know they only have

need to know stuff they start finding out they'll get upset are you going to are you going to come visit them this year the Koh Samui

International Podcast Festival your illegitimate kids yeah you keep asking me to go but what date is it?

June 11 to June 16. You went, right? Yeah, I'm going this year too. Is it fun? It's great fun. Nick Cody's coming. So there you go. All your friends are coming.

I'm taking a good day. You're having a great time. I can't take the baby. Too small. Baby's too small to go to Thailand. Yeah, unless we're at Thai hospital. I'm not a fucking idiot. No, thanks. They can handle me falling off a scooter.. I'm not a fucking idiot. No thanks.

They can handle me falling off a scooter. They're used to that. There's a necessary baby procedure. No thank you. There's a guy the other night. So we went to a bar in Melbourne the other night. We went with Milan. You know Milan.

Remember Milan? Yeah, I love Milan. Your friend Milan? Yeah, yeah. We went to a bar with Milan and this guy was like right at the front door. As we went in, he's like watching us go in. And then he stops me and goes, he goes, Oh, was that Milan? And I go, he goes oh in your car oh there's Tommy and oh my god I'm a big fan of the dum-dum and we're like oh cool and so then

I'm stuck talking to this bouncer guy for like half an hour I'm like fuck and I'm trying to be polite and then he's like gets to the end of half an hour and I'm and there's like people coming in with no shoes on I'm like you're gonna stop He's like, I'm not a bouncer. What the fuck? I've been nice to you for half an hour because I thought you were a bouncer. It's just a guy standing at the door. Yeah, because he came in to get a round of drinks, and he gets one for himself.

And I still thought he was a bouncer at the time. I'm like, fucking hell, pretty relaxed policy here. Was he a big guy? Yeah, yeah, he's a big guy. And then he goes, oh, man, he comes to me. Oh, man, I wish I could go. Oh, I really want to go, but I can't go. I can't go. I want to go, but I can't go.

It's like, why can't you go? He goes, oh, I'm married, I got four kids. I can't take time off for that. I'm like, man, it's fucking Tuesday night. It's 1am.

You're here by yourself. What are you fucking doing? But has there been a more perfect tie in to your face and your crowd than Koh Samui

doing a podcast festival it's so perfect for you you think I look like a guy that would go to Thailand

yeah right just a trashy ass place for trashy ass but you can get a trashy place

Koh Samui is quite nice it's like a couples island but you're not going to that area you're going to

the trashy no I'm not the sin city no no we sort of are to be fair But you're not going to that area. You're going to the trashy... No, I'm not. The Sin City. No, no, no. We sort of are, to be fair. No, no, we're not. No, we're not. When you guys come in,

does the rental prices go down? You guys just send it down with your fucking festival? They love us. They love us. The whole island has got infected by Dum Dum. People are going there out of festival time and they go in and they drop the name of Dum Dum

and they go, oh, fuck, those crazy guys from Australia. Guys you guys are killing it. I'm so happy every time I see a dum-dum club pop up

on the news or whatever. On the news? Yeah. You guys are like fighting the system you know you got like this alternative

thing going on. You got us confused with Greenpeace. No but it's cool right? And are you guys finally making some

money from this? Are you guys still being dumbasses? Are you making money from this yet or what?? And are you guys finally making some money from this? Are you guys still being dumbasses? Are you making money from this yet or what? Yeah, we're making money. Can you monetize this, you fucking idiots?

Look at this. Oh, look, he's got drums. Tommy's got drums. He's got a drum set. They don't come free. This table costs $50,000. Well, where'd they come from? I don't know.

I don't know what male prostitution business. Look, you should see Tommy's mum now. She's doing great. She gets to keep all Tommy's mum now. She's doing great. She gets to keep all of her money now. Tommy's making his own money. She's fucking loving it.

My mum's got so much money now, she can afford to come to Koh Samui with us. Yes. Yeah. Oh, your mum's coming? My parents are coming, yeah. My parents are coming to Thailand. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, great. We haven't mentioned that on the show yet, but here we go. So your dad's coming. Yeah. Tommy's parents are coming. Yeah. Fuck. I had to book the flights for them on Skcanner and i had them on speaker doing that and it was just unreal like going through the times with them and the price and mom going no that time doesn't suit

us get us the same price at a different time like that's fucking that's not how it works it's as if they've never been on a plane before i'm like you've traveled heaps you get how it works. It's as if they've never been on a plane before. I'm like, you've traveled heaps. You get how it works. So this is off to a good start. Yeah. And your dad's going? My dad's going, yeah. Legendary architect? Legendary architect.

Mr. Dad's though, yeah. Yeah. Hit him up, folks. If you're coming along, ask him about the stuff he designed at the zoo. Yeah. I'm sure he'll be happy to hold court, tell you about the gorilla bit that he designed. I want to hear him talk about the architecture he sees in Koh Samui. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. I should get him to do a walking tour of Chuang Beach. Are your parents going to come? No, they've been twice. I brought them twice. Oh, twice. How's your dad's knee? Better, thank you.

Oh, cool. How's your relationship with your brother? Still not great? Not ideal. Who do you get along with worse? Your comedy friends or your brother? Who do you get along with worse? People comedy friends or your brother? Who do you get along with worse? People you run comedy rooms with or your brother?

All interesting questions, Ronnie. Does your brother look like a better version of you or a worse version? No, he can't be worse than that. Yeah, I want to see a current photo of your brother. Do you have one? Not on me. No. I don't carry one in my wallet.

What's it in a big frame at home? Does he look like a better version of you? Like Do you have one? Not on me. No. I don't carry one in my wallet. What's it in a big frame at home? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Does he look like a better version of you? Like a more legit version? Maybe, yeah. Legit. Yeah.

What's he do? He's like a park ranger, right? No. Oh. He's like a council? He's like a council guy. As a park ranger? No.

He's a Ben Lomas? Are you saying that Carl looks like... Does he chase Yogi Bear? Yeah. Yeah, he retrieves picnic baskets. Yeah. Are youves picnic baskets. Are you saying that Carl looks like a tie knockoff of his brother? Yeah. Looks like someone filmed Carl's brother with a handy cam.

I always say Carl looks like if his brother found the One Ring and left it on too long. He's the golem version of his brother. I'm so glad you're being nice on the podcast. Yeah, guys, I got to show less respect. Differential. Where are you off to now, Ronald? I used to show so much respect to you guys

and it became a very boring podcast. But people just want to hear the controversy. Where are you off to now, Ronnie? Where are you going today? I have to go to Gold Coast. Back to the Gold Coast? Yeah, yeah. I'll tell you why after the podcast.

Oh, okay. Are you going to make the Australian remake of Crazy Rich Asians? At Hollywood on the Gold Coast? Crazy Rich Bogans. Are you going to be there? Crazy Rich Bogans. Dude. That's a great idea.

Man, he's just... Just taking it. I'm an ideas man. Yeah. Are you going to be the first person on the Gold Coast wearing a suit who's not going to court? Is that why you're up there? For Guinness Book of Records?

Dude, the Gold Coast is like... Atrocious. Yeah, it's what happens if people like you go to the beach. Thank you. Are you going to go and buy a building there? What? No. Are you going to Movie World to try out the Crazy Rich Asians ride? What a sick theme that would be.

I haven't even seen the movie and I can tell that'd be fucking cool. And then when you get to the bottom, it's just like a big fake Tom Bailard going, this is a bad ride. Bad ride. It's just a... But he's part of the attraction. People are like, this guy's crazy. No, no, he's part of the ride. It's just a tuk-tuk on a cliffside road.

Unsealed cliffside road we could do that in Koh Samui we could just rent a cab and stick a little sign to it and make the unofficial crazy rich asians

movie ride that's awesome that's fucking hilarious it just starts on a scooter that's great that's great

guys can you just promise me don't die in Koh Samui we'll do my best we've done it twice twice we've been there yeah third time's the charm you're shaking hands

with the devil there well we'll get a will we'll send you a will yeah send your will sign off on our will do your will before you go please so if you've got time off

if you're not going back and you're filming any big new blockbusters yeah June 21 no what is it June 11 to 16. Jesus Christ.

Guys, yeah. I love you guys. Thanks for always inviting me to all this stupid bullshit even though I clearly don't fit in. But you've just been in the number one film in the world. Have you got any more movies coming out?

I don't know, man. Give us a scoop. You guys are like my parents or something. Jesus. One wasn't enough? We're your comedy parents. But surely that opens some doors to go into other movies.

I hope so, yeah. Why don't you come and be my agent then? Jesus, you're more persistent than my fucking reps. What's a franchise that if you could pick anyone,

what would you be? What's the next thing you'd be? What about a Marvel movie? Or a director or someone you'd like to work with? What about a Marvel movie?

What about if you're a superhero? What about if you were like, I don't know, Rain Man? He's actually very useful in the fight. Yeah, yeah.

His calculation. Just using the pure of like water flying from the sky and counting the drops look at all that water coming from the sky just next a big'd love to be part of the hangover franchise that'd be cool hangover 4 hangover 4 hangover 4 would be great

oh man what if what if they mix that in with crazy returnees hangover 4 in Singapore oh that's that's actually awesome that's a great idea

I'm going to take that too thanks man didn't you when I first met you you said you wanted to be in Dumb and Dumber 5 did I? yeah

I don't doubt that your first ever conversation with Nick Cody he said I'm just trying to hey man I'm Nick also Lloyd you said that you were just trying to sell out

and get your sister out of whatever Hopper's Cross whatever the quote was yeah just sell out get my sister out whatever I'll Hopper's Cross, whatever the club was. Just sell out, get my sister out, whatever. I'll do anything. I'll do Dumb and Dumber 5.

It's comedy, not being an NFL quarterback, you fucking idiot. Well, I definitely haven't sold out Triple M. And I'll put the art first. 1-triple-3-5-3 if you want a can of Coke. I love the idea of you going, I've got to get my sister out of this slum. I better get a get-rich-quick plan.

Stand-up comedy. For 11 years. I bought my mum a house. It's a little Barbie dream house, a little plastic thing. Aren't they rebooting the footy show? You'd be perfect on that. Oh man, that'd be nice.

Yeah, you should get on that. The rebooted footy show. Yeah. Why don't you get on it? Yeah. I don't know what the fuck is going on on that footy show. Perfect.

Yeah. I'd watch that. You could be the bridge for the common man who doesn't get it like that. This guy's kicking the ball to that dude who's doing a rock, and then this guy, there's no black people.

Nice. Bruce McIver, are you ever here? Well, yeah. Thanks for having me on guys yeah alright thanks I'll sign this I'll sign your DVD

you sign my will yeah do it that's so good I got my texter here what's this as well I got a texter is this your luggage yeah hotel luggage

I think I actually missed the press call just to do this podcast someone was supposed to call me 15 minutes ago but do you need a Do you need a texter?

I got a texter here somewhere. Yeah, I got it. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Oh, that is a chunky one.

I got a big thick one. Do the actual... No, that's alright. Do the front of it. It's fine. No, but I mean slide the...

Are you on the box? Yeah, yeah. Slide the little slip out. Yeah. Okay. Why are we doing this while recording?

Because it's good. This is great content. You should hear the rest of our recent episodes. There's nothing as good as this. Really? Yeah. Can't sign something while recording except my will. I just forgot 20 minutes ago.

This is just a massive texter-based podcast episode. Are you on the back of the box? Is there a photo of you? Apart from your sperm. Can't wait for you to put this on eBay and just get all these questions. What does this mean? Dude, this marker is so typical

Fucking dumb What's wrong with your marker now? You couldn't get a Sharpie? The fuck is this? I don't know It's whatever Xenoverse works It's not even brand new No

Oh what you needed a brand new marker No I'm just Get a Sharpie You're a once only Sharpie user You're always off-brand bullshit. Is it actually the DVD? Yes. This looks fake.

That's real. It does look fake. It does look fake. I honestly just think DVD manufacturers now, like, are we really putting effort into the disc here? Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

Exactly. But it's for real. Why do you have a DVD player, you fucking old man? Man. You're a 50-year-old old man. Why, why? You're 50 years old.

You have a DVD player. You have a baby. You're a 50-year-old old man. Why, why? You're 50 years old. You have a DVD player. You have a baby. You wear fucking dad hats. Dude, you are dad now. You're a 50-year-old dad. You became Tommy's dad. While you're at it...

You look like Tommy Dasso's dad. While you're at it, can you sign my copy of Super Mario? I don't have crazy retrations. Get the text to back out. But I can't sign stuff

that you don't actually own. It's a rental. I'm going to take it back to Blockbuster. It's a rental. I can't sign stuff That you don't actually own It's a rental I'm going to take it back To Blockbuster It's a rental I can't sign that Sign the map Where do you get the money

To buy a marker? Make it out to What's your real last name? Alsop A-L-S-O-P What's your real name? It's not Ronnie is it? Glad you finally have money?

Yeah. Glad you got some coin like Mario. Thanks for jumping on someone's head and getting some coins finally. Financially independent. Can't wait to try and trade this in at EB Games. I love this now. I've got this DVD cover that says, Carl, thanks for giving Asians a chance.

And then it's just got, love is a crazy thing. Alright. Tommy, good on you for finally being... This is a really bad texter. Yeah. For finally being finally – Financial.

Financial. Financially independent. Financially independent. I was saying it as I was signing it. You couldn't fucking – good. Great. Good job. Nick, anything you want Ronnie to sign?

Man, I've got a special called What Of It. Thanks to Ronnie Chang. What Of It is perfect. What Of It. What Of It. Yeah, anything you want Ronnie to sign? Man, I've got a special called What Of It. Thanks to Ronnie Chang. What Of It is perfect. What Of It. What Of It. Yeah, thanks for that. Thanks for the name of a special, Ronnie. No problem.

All right, should we wrap it up? Yeah. What do you say, boys? Signed all of our paperwork. We've literally signed off on this episode. You guys are the best, man. Thanks for having me on. So good to see you guys.

Thanks for doing it, Ronnie. Hopefully I'll never see you guys again. If you come to New York York don't hit me up I cannot do anything for you I don't have any space on my sofa neither can I hook up

with any gigs your faces are fucked if I show anyone your tape they can't get past how fucked your face are to even listen to and Ronnie

now that we've signed your will you can do a permanent see you mate alright see you mate anything to plug anything coming up to plug? Anything coming up to plug?

Give us a scoop on the pod. Come on. One quick little... Scoop? Yeah, an exclusive. A little morsel. You've got live shows. You've got Sydney, Melbourne,

stuff like that. I'm filming a movie that's coming out in 2012. I'm filming it... In 2012? In 2020. I have a small role in a movie I can't discuss

but I'm actually going to go film it oh the Gold Coast oh is it the reboot of the Scooby Doo down at the Aquaman Rain Man

the arch nemesis Aquaman V Rain Man he's all the way up there how the fuck do I get him he's out of the ocean I'm just too busy counting coral.

You got me again. You got me again, Aquaman. That's a little scoop for you, Rose. Great. Wow. Look out for that.

Whatever that is. Whatever that is. Yeah, yeah. All right. Just keep watching movies until you see big skyscrapers next to the beach

and running. I'm also going to wait for another film to shoot in Wagga Wagga and I'm sure I'll be all over that. Live stand-up, Ronnie's coming back to Melbourne, Sydney in April. Friday, Saturday, Town Hall. No Perth.

Canberra, Auckland and Sydney. Great, get on it. Cody, you've got the tour coming up. All this year coming up. Melbourne, Sydney, Canberra, Brisbane. Cody, you've got the tour coming up. All the shit coming up. Melbourne, Sydney, Canberra, Brisbane. Yeah. And what's yours called this year? Old Mate.

Old Mate. Nick Cody in Old Mate and Ronnie Chang in Tone Issues. Is that right? Yeah. Tone Issues. Tone Issues, yeah. Yes.

Fucking idiot. Tone Issues. Ronnie, thanks. We've got stand-up. Yeah, we've got stand-up shows. Nobody cares. Just to wrap it up. My show called Balding Cherub.

Nobody cares. Happening in Melbourne and Canberra and London. London's on sale now. Why? Is it because you're balding and you look like fuck? Is that why you called it that? Very, very quick. Because you're balding and you look like fuck.

I should have just called it that. That's the extended remix with 20 minutes of material. Guys, I want to call my show Sensitive Fuck so badly, but no one gets it other than the three of you at this table. And so everyone was like, you cannot write a show name that makes three people laugh. They're not going to pay for tickets. Sensitive.

Sensitive Fuck. Yeah, yeah. Well, my show went on silent and I didn't say what the name of it was on yeah Well my show I changed My show went on sale And then I didn't say What the name of it was On the show But I changed the name of it Oh okay

So now it's cool So if you want to come And see my show Four Nights Only In Melbourne It's called Kyle Chandler One Man Comedy Factory

And it must be a good title Because he's having to Read it off his phone Yeah He loves it Real catchy I literally left it To my poster designer

To do And then went Oh pick whichever name You like That will fit on there Properly Fuck Yeah Great Alright Thanks guys Thanks for listening I literally left it to my poster designer to do, and then went, I'll pick whichever name you like that will fit on there properly. Fuck. Great.

All right. Thanks, guys. Thanks for listening. Check these guys out on tour, and we'll see you next time. Ronnie, get on. Come on. Get on mic for this one.

See you, mate. What up, bro? And they've done it again. They have. Yeah. All four of them. Mm-hmm. Good to have Ranny, Rat and Ranny back.

Yep. No discussion this week. No debating it. No. We just are both confident in the fact that we've definitely done it again. Rock solid. Man, that's the sort of episode I would listen to. Really?

Do you think you will? No. Absolutely not. You were telling me the other day you were would listen to. Really? Do you think you will? No. Absolutely not. You were telling me the other day you were listening to one. Was I? Yeah. For some reason. Yeah.

Not, not, yeah, I don't know. I think I was trying to find something. I don't know why. Yeah. But no, not a, not a, not my thing. Not for you. Not your cup of tea. Not my thing.

I can't say it's my cup of tea. I like doing it. Yeah. But I can't say I'd enjoy listening back to it. Oh, really? No, every now and then I listen back. Yeah, yeah. No, it'll be all right.

Someone else wanted to do our show without us in it. I'd be happy to have a listen. Yeah. Well, we talked about franchising this. Yeah. That would be great. A version of this that wouldn't mean us listening to ourselves. It would be great.

Yeah. But yeah, good to have Rot and Ronald back in the hot seat. Yep. Thank you, Carl, for your persistence in absolutely hammering that messenger window. You've got to do it with some people. Some people, you know what? People are always interested in how we get our guests and why someone's on or why someone isn't on.

And you know what? There are some people that aren't on that much because they're a fucking pain in the ass to get on. So, yeah, look, Ronnie was one of few people to buckle. He's, yeah, he gave in. Maybe we could do that on a Patreon episode sometime. Name and shame the worst offenders for having to get on to. But we'd get snitched out too quickly.

Yeah, totally. These guys, you know what? We'd love to be a lot more open on this show, but you guys have just proven that you can't be trusted. You did this to yourselves too often. Tagged on Twitter, the ultimate cowards act. Hey, at, nah, what do you think about what these guys said about you this week? You fucking low dog of a human.

Yeah, fuck off. Get a life. Fuck you. Grow up. But, yeah, we'd love to give you all the, even though we're dissing you for saying that stuff, when all we want is our own right to dob on people and rag on people. Yeah, that's pretty fair.

We don't want this to be a two-way street. Stop dobbing on us, dobbing on people. Yeah, that's pretty fair. We don't want this to be a two-way street. Stop dobbing on us, dobbing on people. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, a bunch of live stuff that we have to go through quickly. What should we start with? Brisbane, Canberra, Melbourne, London, Koh Samui, Newcastle, Sydney. Have I missed anything? No.

No? Well, there you go. Yep. We've got it all. They're all live shows. Newcastle Sydney have I missed anything no no well there you go yep we've got it all they're all live shows those New South Wales shows yeah hop on them because as we said

up the top selling very quickly already without much of a push from us so and also they're ages away so I think they're gonna they are a chance of being done before you know it

yeah Newcastle especially it's not that huge of a venue and it's sold very quickly already which is you know it. Yeah, Newcastle especially, it's not that huge of a venue and it's sold very quickly already, which is, you know, again, slightly surprising, but thank you very much. Maybe we should say this, we haven't really given heaps of time to this,

but a lot of people like to come and see our stand-up and thank you very much for doing that. And we haven't been driving that into the ground lately. So how about we do a tiny bit of that? People that are coming to Melbourne, we are doing our individual solo shows in Melbourne. And of course, Tommy is also doing his in Canberra and in London as well. A couple of people in Canberra doing the Dirty Double that night. Very much appreciated by me.

That's selling very well. That's 9.30pm the night, the same day as the podcast. Then, yeah, basically the whole month in London and then – The whole month in London. Sorry, the whole month in Melbourne. God damn it. I'm looking at – I've got this huge list of dates and places in front of me. And, yeah, they're all getting jumbled up.

You're just looking at an atlas, mate. Just look at what we've got on sale. I'm just spinning the globe and then putting my finger on it. All right, guys, I'm doing a gig in Jakarta. Come check it out. Please. Yeah, a whole month in Melbourne. And then Monday, May the 4th in London at, I believe...

The 4th? No, sorry. God damn it. You're fucked. The 6th. May the 6th. Fucking idiot. 4pm.

This is too much. This honestly is too much for me. May the 6th. It idiot. 4 p.m. This is too much. This honestly is too much for me. May the 6th. It's the Monday, the bank holiday, 4 p.m. Come check that out. Selling well already. So thank you to everyone who has already gotten a ticket to that. The show is called Balding Cherub.

And it's basically me teaching you how, you know, you can't improve yourself. Why bother? It's a fool's errand. Just what I'm teaching you how to do is be comfortable with being completely fucked and hopeless right that's that's all i have to impart 32 years on this earth i'm never getting better i'm never changing i'm just learning to deal with this is it for me right i'm just getting comfortable with it there's only really a chance of getting worse then yeah yeah me going to sydney the other week for a night and then uh coming home the next

day feb 21 why can't i check into my flight i'll tell you why why because i booked it for march 21 anyway for more great tips like that pretty easy fix all i had to do was pay 300 to get on a new flight that day great but you know i i hear that hear that and I say to the guy behind the counter, you have to laugh. Well, now you know, dear listeners, where all your Patreon dollars are going. To fuck-ups like that. To Dazzler's mistakes. And that was the thing that pushed me over the edge where I just went,

this is it forever. Like if I was going to have improved at any facets of my life by now, it would have happened. 32 is like, I'm not learning any new tricks. Right. I'm done. I'm checked out. Yeah.

How depressing. Well, let's all go along to see that show. It's not depressing. I'm happy. Oh, okay. Okay, sorry. That's the point of it. Oh, sorry.

I misread it. Sorry. I thought that was the point. No. That we were all going to go to your show and put our Nikes on and get ready to be taken away by aliens and kill ourselves. No, it's about rebranding your failures and viewing it as a positive. Right.

You know? Okay. Cool. Well, that's also happening in Sydney with our newly announced show as well when we're doing Stand Up Plus the Pod in Sydney, so get along to that. I've got a good old feeling Newcastle and Sydney are going to sell out, so that'll be plenty of fun.

Like I said in the episode, I am doing a very short run this year in Melbourne of a solo show called Carl Chandler One Man Comedy Factory, straight after the live podcast in Melbourne. It's very, very cheap. I'm putting it at the Uncomedy Festival prices of $12 per show. Wow. So it's super cheap.

It's half of what normal shows basically cost because it's going to be super loose. It's going to be – Yes. Yeah, you're going to get what you pay for. No, but it is going to be... I'm looking forward to it. It's a different sort of show.

And that's why it's $12, because it's a bit of an insurance, just in case... It's a man that has absolutely no faith in his abilities. No, it's not that at all. It's an insurance thing, just in case someone comes in and goes, oh, but he didn't even say he missed his dad at the end. Well, you know, look, I'll do... You know what, I'll do one show and go, fuck, this should have been 40 bucks.

What the fuck have I done? Do you miss your dad though? No, I see him. So I don't, I don't miss him. You can't miss what's not gone. Well, I mean, but he lives so far away and you don't, you don't get to see him all the time. You never have, you never have pangs where you're like, oh, it's been a little while since I've seen dad. I ring my folks nearly every day.

Really? Yep. Okay. Yep. The most I go ring my folks nearly every day. Really? Yep. Okay. Yep. The most I go without ringing them is two days. Wow. Yep. So, no.

No, I think it's all fine. They could come down a bit more often and I could go up there a bit more often physically, but apart from that. But no, it's going to be heaps of fun. Lots of looseness, lots of me being stupid. I really think this will be good. And a bunch of other little ideas

that have been concocted for it, plus some jokes. Plus some, don't worry, you know, you want to come and see Carl Chandler, you know, you're going to get some one-liners

and bullshit like that. There's going to be some of that stuff as well. Yeah, oh, there will definitely be bullshit. Yeah, yes, thank you.

Thank you for corroborating that. Heaps of live stuff going on, so thanks, guys. Come along. We were just saying before, this is like the biggest chunk of dates we've ever had on the horizon at once, and it feels good. Yeah, we should do one of those big posters online where it's got all the fucking things we've got going on

to make us look really impressive online. Yeah, we are in a position of being able to go world tour. Yes, we are too. Fuck, why don't we call that, why don't we do that? Make a world tour. It's our world tour. All right. We'll do something up.

Let's do that. Very exciting. London, nearly sold out. Get onto that if you're listening to that right now. Yes, a scant few tickets left for that third and final potty. I think just over a dozen tickets. Yeah, something like that. So get on to it because there ain't no more after that.

We're not putting on any other things. But what we should say, thank you to everyone for chipping into the whole Nick Capa concept of flying him over the most fucked way from here to China, to Russia, to London. We did it. We not only hit the target, we smashed it. Yes.

We've well exceeded it. Now he has to wear a tuxedo. Yep. For the entire thing. For the entire thing as well. If you still want to do it, because your bonuses, you get to go in a Facebook group where he's uploading videos and stuff like that of all his adventures, all his fucked videos he's going to be filming on the way over and to London. You can still do that. You can still look up Possible and look up Nick Cody and find the Nick Cody, Nick Capa.

Now who's fucking up, Dave? Yeah, yeah. Oh, man. Yeah, if you want to chuck into that, you can still do that. You can still chuck money at him. And this way, he'll be able to eat as well as travel. So that would be good but also uh look i feel like a little bit of charity work i should be saying this even though he hasn't got his shit together but guys because of such demand he is planning on doing a solo

stand-up show in london as well so guys uh if you want to make a little hole in your diary put something there um he's going to be at the Sunday night. So that would be May the 5th. It'll be the 5th. So there's our two pods and then there's like a stand-up show for a couple of hours after us. And then him. Some fuckhead show. Late night capper.

Yeah, then a late night show of Nick Capper at like 10 or 10.30 or something like that. Yeah, 9.30 I think it's meant to be. Right. Okay, so yeah, if you've seen both podcasts or maybe even just the last podcast that day and you want to hang around and see Capa's show, yeah, that's – I believe what we've really done with the fundraiser

is we've covered the fact that he can travel and everything. Now we're trying to feed him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now he's just not travelling for a week and a half for absolutely no reason. Yeah. So if you want to go to his show, good on you,

because Kappa's really funny as a stand-up, and also he'll be able to eat. Yeah. Yeah. So that's going to be fun, and yeah, thank you. Yeah, one of those stupid things that you put up, and it's like,

well, this is just a meritocracy. If people aren't into it, then we'll get our answer pretty quickly, and we won't make the money. And yeah, the fact that you guys are always into whatever harebrained bullshit we put up there is very flattering. You know, would prefer the money to be going directly to us in some fashion, but good to just once again help someone else out.

Yep. The Mother Teresa of podcasting. Yeah, just we get Dilla Logie We get Capital London for free Can't wait for that time When someone does something for us Do you reckon there's ever going to be A performer in comedy That's going to sling us a bone?

Do you reckon that'll ever happen? Oh God I mean We must be due It's been long enough We're very due We're very I'll say this about us

We're very patient Yes There's been a drought. We're very Jew. We're very, I'll say this about us, we're very patient. Yes. There's been a drought, hasn't there? Yeah. Imagine all of our mates that have gone up and past us and got their own, let's say, radio, let's say TV shows, movies, you know, who knows what. Any of those cunts could do us a favour. Wouldn't it be nice? Even just being a runner.

Even just holding the fucking cue cards on set. Yeah. I'd take it. I'd take any bone that anyone wants to fucking throw. A background, just walking as an extra. Fucking anything. What have we ever gotten off anyone? Anything?

Have we gotten anything? Friends who've had things that they've done where there's been illustration work in it. Right. And people hitting me up and going, hey, this looks like your illustration work, is it? No, it is not. Why would it be? Why would it be when it's a friend's show

and they've ended up getting someone whose style looks almost identically? Oh, really? Why would it be mine? Yeah, shout out to the illustrator. I'm getting to do my poster this year. But there's no use me getting you because then all of our stuff looks exactly the same. Yeah. Shout out to the illustrator. I'm getting to do my poster this year. But there's no use me getting you because then all of our stuff looks exactly the same. Yeah, exactly.

That's exactly it. I don't think that... That wasn't what that was about. It was about a TV show. Right. But yeah, look, if anyone wants to ever do anything for us... I mean, what? Tom Ballet got you on Tonightly once.

He did get me on Tonightly. Yeah. I didn't get anything. But you got something. That's something. But this is the thing. I had to... I asked. Yeah, you would have chased. Yeah. Yeah did get me on Tonightly. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't get anything, but you got something. So it's something. But this is the thing. I had to, I asked. Yeah, you would have chased.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wanted it. Yeah. I was like, all right, I'll ask. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no one's. It's certainly not monitoring the inbox.

Yeah. It's certainly not coming in. Nah. All right, this is how it works, is it? Yeah. I can sing for myself. Hey, I'm going to be jerking off a bull at some point this year. Yeah.

As I've said, I'm happy to sing for my supper. Look at that. Even the bull's getting something out of it. Everyone's getting something out of it. We're helping out everyone. If the fucking Phone Hacks podcast could organise a possible to get me a hair transplant, you know? Anyone, if you know any friend of the show that has anything going on,

just say to them, could you could you fucking help your little mates out in any way that's that's what we need to start doing with this we need to get our audience to hold people more accountable yeah we need to keep the bastards honest right you know anyone announces a new show yeah just flood their twitter with yeah well i mean of course it goes without saying that das and the chan are coming in. Apart from the fact they're very good at what they do. Also, they're your mates. They're Jew.

That's it. It shouldn't even need to be charity. We're good. We're funny. We're talented. We're attractive. I'm with you. Bonnie Chang just spent a whole hour telling us how good looking we are.

Yeah, that's what I got out of it as well. I'm glad you heard the same thing I heard. Oh, you're plugging in your laptop at my house, are you? Yes. Yet another thing that I'm giving out. Sorry, man. I'll leave some money

on the fridge. Yeah, that'd be great. Thank you. Oh, look at that. That stresses me. It's such a short power cord. Yeah, it's not great. What the fuck's wrong with Apple?

It's not great. What are they doing? They're not getting better, are they? No. No. They're going backwards. They're having worse and worse ideas. Yeah. Poor old Jobs i think he was he was the brains behind that outfit in my opinion the new bloke don't know about him who the fuck is that power cord for it's so short yeah yeah

i'm with you i'm sorry so look at this bad boy over here this is what you want that's a real length that's an old one but it also looks like it's going to burn this house down so yeah it's all frayed and shit so guys if you can get us major um jobs on tv shows and radio shows if you can you know what we're not even gonna have to we're not gonna say names of it we're not gonna suggest names that you can go after because it should be pretty fucking obvious have a have a think of people we know that have got stuff that aren't giving us anything that have passed through yeah passed through these hallowed halls on their way and it's not like you know we'd ever say we are the sole reason for this person no to where they are no but we certainly helped yeah we certainly were a step along the way yeah maybe it happened a

little quicker than it otherwise would have. You know? Or at the very least, I guess what we're trying to say is we look at our show and how we help others. I reckon there's a lot of other people that are helping anyone. Is there? I don't know. You know what we should be like? It's like anyone who gets big and then doesn't throw us a bone back,

that's it. Trade embargo. So we're just on here going, guys, you are not allowed to watch this show. If we here will see any evidence of a listener watching or engaging in this, whoever this person is, whatever the product is,

we work out how to fucking geo-block the podcast from your phone and you're not allowed to. If you break our trade sanctions. If I thought we could make it work, I would definitely be behind this idea. Guys, if anyone knows how to make the tech side of this work, where we can accurately monitor what people are doing, if we become like fucking, which this podcast is like Cuba.

Yeah. If I could ban guests from the show because of that sort of behavior, and if I thought they would notice for a second that they've been banned, I would do it. That's it. Yeah. I mean, once they get to a certain point, it's like there's not a lot we can do. Throw us a bone.

Yeah. Fuck. I think this was funny and now it's pathetic. Yeah. This rant, I mean. Yes. Yes. And our lives.

We'll get it back up then. Anyway, folks, come see all those shows. But that's the other thing. We're doing fine. Yeah. We're doing well. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, but the smooth transition through. But that's the other thing. We're doing fine. Yeah. We're doing well. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, but the smooth transition through.

Why won't anyone do anything for us? Anyway, let's write out a list of people that give us money every month for a free thing. Yep. Yes, thank you, guys. Everyone who chips in on Patreon, it's very much appreciated. Like I said, it is not to spend too long on this, but seeing all the ticket reports coming at the moment

and how quickly a whole bunch of these shows are selling, including on the other side of the world, it is very flattering. It's very humbling. Guys, don't change. Very nice. Don't change. Don't change.

You, the great unwashed, the not famous, you are the lifeblood of comedy, whereas the blokes have gone beyond us, more famous than us. They're just fucking shit people. You guys are what we're depending on. So thank you very much. And a lot of them, it should be said,

phoning it in at a certain point. Right. I don't know. Maybe that's not fair. My point is us, you would have heard it on the live shows. We work hard on those live shows. Yeah.

Yeah. They're an event. Yes. I i agree i'm on your side i'm on your you know you know you're preaching to the choir yeah uh all right so let's crack on let's uh of course as you know if you sign up on patreon.com slash a little dum-dum club you get a free magazine you get a free uh episode of the show depending on what tier of donations you make. And of course, you get thrown into the unplanned title alternator to randomly have your name hopefully picked out at some stage

and be immortalized on the show in the back end of the show within this thing we call Talking Dum Dum. And you might get your name read out on a particularly good episode that sometimes people were like, oh wow, that was such a great episode. I'm glad my name is associated with that.

You're on one with Rotten Ronald Chang. Yeah. I basically thought of it that way, that it's like, oh, cool, that guest who was on is one of my favorite comedians and I'm a part of that episode. I thought that way. You know what? Now, back in the olden days or older days,

there was a show called Rove Live. Yes. A Tonight Show. Now, you did a little bit of work for them at some stage and so did I. At the very, very end of their days, I remember getting a joke. The first ever joke I'd gotten on that show was on the episode where Borat was on as a guest. Which I associated with that. I was like, oh, wow, that's cool. I got a joke on the show that Borat was on as a guest, which I associated with that. I was like, oh, wow, that's cool.

I got a joke on the show that Borat was on. Right. See, that's interesting because I don't remember at all who was on the ep. Well, I wouldn't have remembered, but Borat was a standout. Borat was one of the great movies. I wonder if I could find out. I probably could find out. I probably got it in an email somewhere.

Yeah, right. So. Did you write my wife? No, I didn't write for Borat. Oh, okay. That's a shame. Yeah. I didn't write for Borat.

It was during the jokes bit that. Carrie. Carrie Bickmore used to do. Yeah. All right. Let's get into this bit. We thank a bunch of listeners for their continued donating. Thank you to Patreon subscriber.

Thank you to a familiar name right here, Tommy Daslo. Tommy Daslo. No, no, no. That is very familiar. Yeah, it's overly familiar. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Tim Ward. Tim Ward, great friend of the show

as he's been to the last two Coastal Million International Podcast Festivals. He worked behind the bar. He did. At the pop-up shop.

Bartender at the pop-up shop at, well, the pop-up bar. Yeah, at the Coastal Million International Podcast

Festival of 2018. Yeah, two, and he's rounding third base. He's coming to the current one, well, not the current one, the 2019 one. A three-timer, one of the, in the rarefied era of the three festivals he's done. So thank you very much for your continued support, Tim, especially that desperate day behind the bar.

Really got amongst it and didn't need to be asked. You know what I mean? One of those great guys just helps out. Not us having to go, oh, please. Like him just going above and beyond. Great guy. Things are hard when you actually know the people. Yeah.

Well, hopefully I'm allowed to say this. I don't know whether I can say this or not, but I'll say this to start with. All right. He's the only person to outstay me in Samui both times. Yeah. Where he gets in earlier than me and then he lasts longer than me. So he actually beats me at Samui. Yeah.

But the first time you went, I hope I'm allowed to say this, he met a girl. I don't think you would be. I can't see any reason why you would be. All right. Well, I'll say it if you insist. He met a girl and, yeah, he was really thinking about going over there to stay there. But then he was like, yeah, I don't know what she does for a living. Maybe it's something really illegal.

So I never found out what it was. And I'd love to find out what it was. And now what is it about this story that makes you think that it is okay to tell? Because it's interesting to me. That's why. You think that is all the qualifications that you need to discuss someone else's affairs of that matter in a public forum. Yes. Interesting.

Yes. Interesting take. Yes. Well, we can talk... What a beautiful mind. We can talk about him bartending or we can talk about something interesting. Yeah, sure. Sure.

It's... Look, it's a roll of the dice. I'm not saying it's not interesting. It's a roll of the dice. Yeah. And, you know, when you roll the dice, sometimes you can come up with a six, which I presume is a good thing. What if in this case it's six reasons why you shouldn't be saying this on the podcast?

Or what if it's six more listeners you're getting off the back of having such an interesting story? Right. Yeah. So people just random, for some reason, compelled to just tune in. Or word gets out. Yeah, word gets out. Right. Word gets out. Word gets out. There's like Or word gets out. Yeah, word gets out. Word gets out.

There's like various interesting things forums that this gets posted in. It's like, guys, check it. All that rot with the guests. Fast forward through all that. There's someone on a tram going, oh my God. Just to a stranger. Putting their head buds in there.

Someone next to them. Check this out. Yes. Someone's going, oh my God. And then someone next to them on the tram goes, what on earth are you on earth are you listening to yeah yeah you gotta hear this all of a sudden the driver's like piping it in through the intercom yeah yeah yeah see now you get it yeah yeah yeah okay all right cool shout

out to the number 78 if you guys are listening to this tim so did tim's suspicion was maybe he didn't know where this girl was getting her money from. Maybe Patreon. Yeah, yes. A lot of people think that about us. Well, here's the thing because I've read about this before on Samui. Thailand's a big place for people that can go and sort of have a bit more of a dodgy life in terms of online gambling, scamming, online fishing sort of stuff. You have to do that based in Thailand. You don't have to do it.

I'm saying there's a history of it. There's a history. Well, they've got good internet to start with. Better than here, yeah. Yes, yes. Genuinely turning up on this street of Chiang Beach and sitting in a restaurant that doesn't even have a door or windows and the internet in there being faster than here in Melbourne. Yeah.

Unreal. Great ad for the festival. Yeah. Terrible ad for this country. Yeah. Yeah. If you're from overseas and thinking about coming to see our live shows in April, don't bother.

It really is worth visiting Australia just to see how bad our internet is. Like, it should be a tourist attraction. Right. It's like, in 2019, how is it this fucked? Unreal. But you're right. The idea of, yeah, exactly what you're saying. Going to some place, a third world country, and you're eating a curry for fucking $1.50.

Yep. And you're going, wow, I really feel sorry for these poor cunts. Apart from their download speed. Yeah. Oh, mate, Game of Thrones like that. Yeah. Yeah, you look at the back. They've got kids with no shoes on.

They're sleeping in the gutter. Yeah. But fuck me dead. Oh, Fast and the Furious. Oh, my God. No buffering. Yeah. 1080p.

Some people go on overseas trips like to Thailand and they have a list of things they want to buy at the markets, like a shopping list. I'm just going over there with the things I want to torrent. I'm just downloading seasons and seasons of shit. Oh, I couldn't do this at home. So much better. Yeah.

This would take me weeks. Yeah. Yeah, it is just a work trip. Yeah. Just to go over there and download a couple of fucking terabytes of drama and come home. That'd be great. Yeah, guys, please, make that part of your festival experience. Just queue up a bunch of movies at the Ozo Chewing Resort.

Use their Wi-Fi. They don't care, I presume. Again, speaking for more people in Thailand. Do them. Go out and see a live show of ours. Come home and boom. Yeah. Fucking just...

Watch fucking Spider-Man. Yeah. Watch 10 seasons of fucking The Flintstones. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck, I wonder if you can tar at The Flintstones. Yeah. I mean, you can tar on everything.

You must be able to. Yeah. That's maybe something I'll download. I'd love to go back through The Flintstones again. Really? Did you ever like The Flintstones? Yeah, of course. Yeah. Yeah. That's maybe something I'll download. I'd love to go back through The Flintstones again. Really? Did you ever like The Flintstones? Yeah, of course. Yeah.

Yeah. It's great. A couple of weeks ago, I was considering calling my child Bam Bam. That's right. Yeah. I used to watch The Flintstones with my grandpa. He was a big Flintstones fan. Oh, really?

Yeah. Well, you know, back when I was a kid, there wasn't heaps of options. So whatever was on TV, you generally became a fan of. I wonder if it's still on because, you know, by the time I saw it, it was already a really old show. Yeah. But it was still being repeated and I would get into it. Are kids now finding the Flintstones? Is it on anywhere?

I wonder because when I was a kid, you know, they were still flogging the Warner Brothers' merry melodies with Bugs Bunny and all that sort of stuff. And that's like proper old. Yeah. But Flintstones is about 20 years younger than that. So surely that's still getting around somewhere. Flintstones is like

what, 60s? 70s? Not 70s. 60s. It's got to be at least 60s. Fucking hell. Yeah. Whereas Bugs Bunny and stuff, that was like 30s and 40s I'm pretty sure, wasn't it? Yeah, but then still being made for a couple of decades after. But the beginning of it, yes.

The Mary Melodies ones, like 30s and stuff. Yes. A lot of that Bugs Bunny stuff holds up, I have to say. It's still funny. Yeah. The fucking barbershop one, the Barber of Seville thing, still funny? Not a lot of it. I don't remember a lot of it, but I remember hating Pepe lapew couldn't watch it but all right yeah all right pretty woke even back what a white

night pretty woke i mean a duck looking into a shotgun yeah and oh fucking firing it into himself my god all that happens is his beak spins around to the other side of his face. The best. Imagine like imagine seeing that for the first time when it was first like what did they play them before movies or whatever

in the cinema? Fuck me dead that must have been good shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally. It's good stuff now. What if they started putting that back in shows now?

That would be good. Just shotguns to the head. Suicides gone wrong. Yeah, yeah. Funny suicides. Yes. That's kind of what this the head. Suicides gone wrong. Yeah, yeah. Funny suicides. Yes. That's kind of what this show is.

Yeah. This is a continuation of the morbid spirit of Daffy Duck. Yep. Anyway, thanks, Tim. Thank you to Patreon, subscribe, and see you in Samui. June 11 to 16. And I believe he's planning on outstaying me yet again. Oh, he's done it again.

He's going to try and find love. Yeah. Lasting love. Love that's not going to scam you out of your life savings. She'll be back. Hopefully not. For the rest. For the rest. For the rest of the savings.

She'll be back for the rest. Dot, dot, dot. For the rest. Thanks, Tim. Hopefully that was okay. I'm sure we'll find out soon enough. Yeah. Don't get your girlfriend onto us. Don the rest. Thanks, Tim. Hopefully that was okay for you to say. I'm sure we'll find out soon enough. Yeah.

Don't get your ex girlfriend onto us. Don't doll us in, guys. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Ben Weatherall. Ooh. I wonder if any relation to former SA Premier. Oh, Jay. Jay Weatherall. Right, right. Oh, right.

Yeah, he might be a relation to the ex-premier of the state that officially is the lowest buying of ticket states in Australia. Yeah. Not just for us. Yeah, for everyone. And by the word officially, I mean not officially because I've just said that because I wanted to say it. It's not an absolute fact.

I'm sure it would be a fact if you followed it up. It's almost definitely a fact. I want to make it a fact. Yeah. By saying it out loud, it's a fact on this show. Yep. Nick Capa. Speaking of Nick Capa, he did a show in Adelaide not very long ago.

Yep. Did a week of shows and said a lot of dumb, dumb listeners came out. Yep. And he said he got a lot of feedback from them saying people are very angry and upset that we didn't go and do a live podcast this year. To which I said, good. I'm glad they're upset. Wow.

It's the only way you're going to learn. Wow. There's got to be some consequences. It is worth saying though That the last time we were there The show did sell out About one minute before the gig Right

I mean we did have to deal with a lot of The point is not that people don't buy the tickets Right People buy the tickets eventually Yep Our point has always been Yes But the fucking stress

Yep Of the weeks and the weeks leading up to it where it looks like no one is coming but then by the end of it it's like you get there and the room is full great yeah but it's so hard to enjoy because you're like yeah i've been having panic attacks for three weeks before this yeah it's looking like we're going to lose money on on doing a show i'm flying to another state yeah putting yourselves out going there on a weekend and uh look we've covered all this before, but I just want to really try. I should point out, though, that, yeah, we do, in the end, it works out great.

Well, you know, it used to when we used to go there. But, yeah, anyway, look, everyone's made their mistakes and we've all moved on and we're never to return. You're saying we'll never go back. Well, you know, who knows? The answer is me and no. Wow. Never.

Well, man. Never again. We can't. We just can't take that risk. People have got to learn a lesson. This is the thing, guys. I'm happy to. I love Adelaide.

I love going to Adelaide. I love doing the shows in Adelaide. I'm happy to be good cop on this one. Yep. I'd love us to go back. I'd love to wear you down. Mate, I'd love to too, but unfortunately, in life there's got to be, you know, consequences

to actions. Right, right. And these people have continued to do the wrong thing over the years, and so they've got to learn, and you know, I think I'm making society better by teaching these people this lesson. Well, you're making their society better by us not being in town for a weekend. Sure.

Win, win, win. Is this going to be your parenting style where it's like, you know, the kid acts up and the threat of being sent to bed without dinner. Yeah. And it felt like parents, you know, you'd hear about, your parents would follow up on it. Yeah. Because you'd be like, I mean, they're not going to make me not eat tonight.

That's barbaric. There's just absolutely no way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then the action, it's like, no, you fucked up so bad that this is it. Actually no food tonight. Yeah. Are you going to be, are you going to be, you make a, are you going to have any empty threats with your child, do you think?

Or do you think you're going to be a stick to your guns? Do I think I'm going to act like, treat my child like Adelaide and follow through? Yeah, I think I should. I think I should. Because I do remember like growing up and, you know, you're always going to get those empty threats and I'd got them. But then the times where I didn't get an empty threat and it followed through and I went, yeah, but I'm going to get, this isn't really happening though, is it?

And it's like, yeah, no, it is. Because you fucked up so bad. This is what's happening. I was like, oh. And that's when you learn a lesson. Yeah. So... up so bad this is what's happening i was like oh and that's when you learn a lesson yeah so there's that great simpsons episode where bart's in a lot of trouble and that the marge is like sending him to bed without dinner right and then he's sitting on his bed and he's like wow they're really serious

yeah they're straightened up and fly right yeah and then homer comes in with a bit of pizza and he's like hey don't tell your mom yeah but it's like sucker yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, I'm very early in. I can't say I have punished my four-week-old child too much. I haven't got too many morals I've enforced upon her quite yet.

I've thought that you'll be a very strict parent. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. Plenty of time to find that out. But although I will say maybe you're having a daughter i think you'll have a bit of a softer touch yes i look i would agree with everything you've said there thank you that would be my suspicions at the moment because um yeah it is it is a nice thing to have a – I do have a – I think I have more of a mentality of like if I had had a son, it would have been a bit like – all guys are idiots. So fuck them.

You can get punished properly. But with girls, it's like girls are nice. You got to be – you get taught – your mom teaches you growing up. You got to be nicer to girls than guys. Yeah. So yeah, that's how that will work. Yeah. Yeah.

So she better not fuck up right make me treat her like a boy right yeah right so the worst thing for you would be trans child right dad i'm i've i've been a guy this whole time yeah oh fuck i've't going easy on you. Go to your room. Wow, Dad's really transphobic. No, I just hate men. You're going to get punished. No having a dick for another two years. Go to your room and think about what you have.

Well, we got there. That was good. Thanks, Ben. Thanks, Ben. Thanks, Ben Weatherall. Yep. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Aresia Cross. We've read this one.

Have we? That does ring a bell, doesn't it? Yeah. Fuck, you're right. All right, edit that out. No. Damn. It's like Adelaide.

It's the only way you'll learn. Yeah, fair. Okay, no, we have had a... Fuck. Yeah, it was recent too. It was too. Yeah, I fucked it. I fucked up. All right.

Well, maybe now we can... I can't remember what episode it was on. That was Ress from Koh Samui that got engaged over there. Yeah. Which one would you prefer to have been on? Rest, this one or the last one that you got read out on? Too bad. You're on both.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber Martin McGrath. Ooh. Now, have you heard that name before? I mean, I've heard those two names separately. Oh, well, la-di-da. And what do you think about that? Any thoughts? Martin reminds me of my seventh grade maths teacher, Mr. Martin.

Wasn't a fan of him. Oh, why not? It's just a, I don't know. He's just a bit of a shitty teacher. And he get punished in any way? No, he was funny. He did have a lot of weird mannerisms. Like he kind of, what was it?

It was like when he came into the classroom, he would like, he wanted you to all like stand when he came in. Oh, really? So he came in and he'd go, he'd say it in this weird way where he'd go, standby desk, please. You know any teacher that talked in a funny way or had like a funny way of saying stuff, then they'd just get lampooned mercilessly.

So he had a bit of that. I also think he was, I've said this on the show before, but I'm pretty sure he was the teacher who kids in my class had recorded the sound of our school bell on their laptop and would just play it when they felt like getting out of there and he'd be like wow class went by pretty quick today well and he actually fell for it yeah that's that's see that's out of the flintstones yeah 100 that's normal people don't fucking fall for that stuff do they yeah but we were lucky so this was like this was

like 99 2000 so we had laptops at my school and school and it was sort of early enough into that tech where it was like our teachers are all old enough where they're like, well, I don't know what the fuck's going on. They haven't kept up with technology. Like this is like a new thing that's come in. Right. So, yeah, he wore bow ties as well. He always wore flamboyant bow ties.

Yeah. Anyway. So he's fucked. Great. And McGrath? Yes. McGrath. Well, there's the McGrath Foundation.

That's good. Oh, that's good. I think that's good. Okay. So I'm a bit torn on this one. Very interesting. Because what's the McGrath Foundation? Dunno. Is it? Oh, it's good. Okay, a bit cool. So I'm a bit torn on this one. Very interesting. Because what's the McGrath Foundation? Dunno.

Is it? Oh, it's cancer. It's cancer, right. Yeah, your mate. Yeah. Oh, well, are they pro or anti-cancer? I don't believe either they're raising funds for more of it. I don't believe so.

Yeah. I don't know if you could even do that. What would you do? You're raising funds for more cigarettes to give to children? Yeah, well, I mean, we have like anti-vaxxers and stuff. So there must be people out there that are like, no, cancer is good. They're just fighting against the Fight Cancer Foundation, trying to head them off at the pass.

They're using money to buy cigarettes for more people and they're patrolling the beach and paying people like 50 bucks to take their sunscreen off them so that there's a chance of them getting more cancer. Bringing in like, just trying to get those bats, bats that leave behind disease. Yeah. Get them more, get them more.

One of the leading causes of cancer, bats. That's how I, that's what I reckon mine was, yeah. Off a bat? I fucked a bat. Yeah. Hang on, Bruce Wayne got turned into Batman off a bat and you got cancer off a bat? Yeah. Wow.

I'm sure I've said that before. That's the only thing that could work out. That's not... What? I've never heard this. We've been to... Are you for real? Yeah.

We've been to an area... We've been on a holiday in the Northern Territory. How the fuck am I hearing this for the first time? I reckon you have heard it before i have not heard this before and anyone that listens to this show please find any evidence of this story being told before on the podcast oh here we go please i'm not saying it's necessarily on the pod but right they the the only thing they could work out that it potentially could have been because your cancer yeah they don't know for sure but

they went through when you're a child yes yes they went through with my parents like what have you done recently da da da and like they try and go by step by step and this isn't definitive because they'll never know but the closest they could come to working out a reason was we had been on a holiday to the northern territory yeah and we'd been in a bit of um i don't know an area like bush or whatever yeah where there had been a bunch of, I don't know, an area like Bush or whatever. Yeah. Where there had been a bunch of bats recently. And bats, like, leave behind a lot of disease.

And, but how do you pick that up? I don't know. So bats, what, you accidentally ate some bat shit and it gave you cancer? I don't know. They were like, that's, honestly, they're like, that's the closest we can get to it could not be that but they were like well this does happen people do get sick off the back of that because i had a thing i had a thing before it that kind of led into the cancer like i had i was sick with a thing before it fuck yeah that is absolutely bizarre to me you've walked through a forest with some bats in there and they've gone yeah yeah, that might be, that's just a long bow, isn't it? Isn't that just doctors that have run out of ideas?

Why does my son have cancer? Fucking hell. Why does my son have cancer? Have you been near any bats lately? What? Where did you get that white coat from? I love the idea of you being in a doctor's office. Mr. Chandler, we're sorry to inform you that you have an inoperable brain tumor.

Oh, that's a bit of a long bow, isn't it? Show me you're working out on this one. Yeah, exactly. See, that's what I want to see. I'm fine. Go on, show me the pager notes. Come on. Yeah, you can't just do it in your head.

You've got to show me how you work it out. Yeah, this isn't my first rodeo. You can't believe everything you read. I've been told I have something wrong with my brain by ten doctors, but at least they showed me how they worked it out. Actually, I just got onto webmd.com, and it told me that I have the world's biggest penis. So your move, egghead.

Yeah. Bats. Bats. I've never heard of such a thing. Bat cancer. That's not a thing. Well, it wasn't so, yeah. Bats were smoking cigarettes

around you and then you got secondhand bat smoke right the smoke screen off a batmobile yeah it's like the 50s batman where he's got like the adam Bat load platelets. Boom. And it's like he chucks it at me and then there's the big sound effect thing that comes up on the screen. I loved that at the end of that episode. It's like, oh, how's Batman going to get out of this one? Oh, he gives the penguin cancer. Yeah, it's sick. Fuck, I nearly got away with this jewel heist, but now gives the penguin cancer. Yeah, it's sick. Fuck, I nearly got away with this jewel heist, but now I have leukemia.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm too weak. I'm too weak to get out of the bank. Just people getting sick of the show. Oh, every week. Batman's all bound up. He's about to be poured into a vat of acid and all of a sudden everyone gets cancer. Fuck, boring. You want to know

how I got these scars? The Batman gave me cancer. Oh, man. But then the problem with that is he gives the Joker cancer but then the Joker gets a wish

from the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Now, what's he wishing for? Yeah. But he'd blow up the banks. Yes. And then that's Batman's fault yeah yeah

and the Make-A-Wish Foundation have to spend all their money on dynamite they have to do it yeah they have to do it I want to meet Hugh Jackman and I want him to help me

fucking destroy this yeah wow cause chaos wow now that is twisted man reboot it again.

Let's get this franchise back. I should reboot my solo show about it. You know what I mean? Like I've come up, since I did that show in 2012, I've come up with so much funnier gear about having had cancer. Yeah. Back then it was all fact related. Now you've got this bat thing in there.

You've got a lot of people that have given you shit on the podcast over the years. You can just sort of mine that stuff. Yeah, weave that in. Rebranded Tommy Daslane, Jack the Dancer. Yeah, it's good shit. It is good shit. It is fun to reminisce. It is funny.

Cancer is funny. You're right. Because I don't care. I have fun talking about it in this way on the pod i do feel weird when we do live shows that i know my parents are at because it's like such a different thing for them like you know what i mean like yeah they lived it way more vividly than i did because i'm a kid i'm like i don't even necessarily really know what's going on yep and so they're just up there you know, and it's like these famous comedians that they like from the TV going,

fuck you, you little cunt, you should be dead. Them sitting in a crowd of people just cacking themselves over it. It's like I can't imagine it's thrilling for them. Yeah, yeah. Poor mum and dad. It is a weird thing. Yeah, I mean, I'm sure we've said this before, but it is a weird thing for them to be sitting there. And I think my parents were the same, you know, when they came and saw the live show in Meribah.

It was like, well, everyone else seems to be enjoying it and he seems to be making a living off it. So I'm happy overall with this happening. Yes. My parents come to a lot more now because they're like, we don't get this, but great. Yeah. He made a fucking go of it.

Yeah, yeah. It's like they're just happy to see you popular and making a go of things. They're more watching that than the content. I thought you were going to say that your parents coming and seeing the show in Maryborough would have been the same as my parents watching me get... Because you were getting mocked about being from Maryborough. Right. You thought that was the same as my parents watching me get mocked about having cancer.

Right. So you were going to equate growing up in Maryborough to having a childhood illness. Sure. Totally. Yeah. No argument from here. Yep.

Yep. Thanks, Martin. Thanks, Martin McGrath. Yeah, Martin McGrath. Yeah, that's how we got there. Thanks, Jack. Yeah. The dancer.

Yes. Jack T. Dancer. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Lauren Andrew. Ooh. Yeah. Okay. I like the name Lauren, I have to say. I do too.

Yeah. Yeah. I once had a crush on a girl called Lauren. Me too. Oh, really? I wonder if it was the same one. Ooh. I wonder if it was a real...

Well, my one was when I was in like grade four. Ooh. So I certainly hope not. It's about the right time. It's not too far off. What do you mean about the right time? Well, when you were in grade four, how old were you? That means you were like, what, 10?

Yeah. So what, you're 20 with a crush on a 10-year-old. Well, I might have been 20. I might have been 19 or 20. Yeah. With a crush on a 10-year-old? Well, I might have been 20. I might have been 19 or 20. Yeah. With a crush on a 10-year-old? No. With a crush on someone called Lauren.

Oh, right. Yeah, you said before. I wonder if it was the same one. Yes, but that was comedy. Yeah. But it was about the same time. Oh, right. So we would have...

Yeah, right. Okay. So this, us without even knowing it at the time. Who could have predicted that decades later... What are the odds? It's like that thing when people want to feel connected and they're like, oh, we were looking at the moon at the same time. So it's like we were together.

Yes. It's a real The Lake House 2. Any luck? No. No, me either. Oh, really? Yeah, another thing we haven't commented. Yeah.

Not rooting. Not rooting someone called Lauren. Yeah, another thing we have in common. Yeah. Not rooting. Not rooting someone called Lauren. Yeah, I've never rooted a Lauren. Yeah, what a shame. She's a very pretty girl. I think she was crazy. I think maybe. I mean, I assume since I had no luck.

So, you know what I mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Must be crazy. Yeah, must have a screw loose to turn down this. Yes, exactly. You don't have to be crazy to not fuck me, but it helps. Yeah. She had a very unusual haircut as well.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. In what sense? In the sense it was, like, cut, like, really radically from the neck, from the back of the neck, sort of up. Really radically? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I know. Yeah, yeah. I know the sort of the neck sort of radically yeah like oh yeah i know yeah

yeah i know the sort of haircut you're describing right yeah it sort of went sharp up the angle yeah yeah yeah from the from the back of the neck yeah but then sort of like an inverse mullet kind of yeah sort of yeah but then plenty of hair still like no like a normal long hair sort of haircut yeah up radically up from the back so much so so that someone I know was giving me shit for liking her and saying... Because of the haircut. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great. And saying, oh, your mate Lauren Bellhead.

This was in Ballarat? It's in Maryborough. In Maryborough. Yes. Now that's bold. Like any kind of adventurous haircut like that. Totally. Very, very bold. Totally. Even in Ballarat I would have said that was bold. Like any kind of adventurous haircut like that. Totally. Very, very bold.

Totally. Even in Ballarat, I would have said that was bold. Yeah. Oh, look, Ballarat. Less so, but still. Ballarat, much bigger city culturally than Maribor. Totally. Yeah, no, Maribor.

You've got a slightly different haircut. You shouldn't be walking down the street without completely anticipating someone yelling at you from the car yeah totally uh poor lauren bellhead but i guess i guess if you're like it's that thing like it's like that thing i was talking about if you've got a bit of a weird name but if you're if you're hot it doesn't matter yeah it's like yeah i'm a i'm a super hot chick and my name is grizzle plec, that's now a sexy name. Yeah, who's the hottest person with the most fucked name? Good question. This is a great question.

That's a good question. We've got to get a thread of this going in the Facebook group. Yeah, yeah. Hottest celebrity you've met. Celebs, yeah. Not just I have a friend called. Yeah. I have a friend I want to fuck called fucking Dingle.

Yeah, that's good. Yeah. Hot Grizzleplek. Yeah, I don't know. friend called yeah i have a friend i want to fuck called fucking dingle yeah that's good yeah uh hot grizzle flake um yeah i don't know who's who's the who's the hottest let me google hottest women in the world or let me just go to my home page um hottest women in the world wait so you're okay so you're just gonna find the list of hottest women and then just scroll through that yes see if there's any particularly dumb names. But you know what the problem with this is? It's kind of like, you know, you talk about bad band names.

What about this? Yeah. Margot Robbie. Yeah. Now, Margot by itself, not a particularly attractive name. Yeah. Do you think? No, no.

Yeah. But what I was about to say was it's a bit like band names where you go, you never, you know, once a band is so big, you don't really think, it's like, you too, what a shit name for a band. Yes. But it's like, well, once they're big enough, it's like you don't really register that anymore. So I would say, I guess Zac Efron.

Yeah. You know, not a bit of a, you know, you could see an absolute stinker having that name. Yeah. But it's hard to disconnect from that because you're like, well, Zac Efron's attractive. Yes, totally. And Margot Robbie's kind of the same thing. But yes, that name taken in name. Yeah. But it's hard to disconnect from that because you're like, well, Zac Efron's attractive. Yes, totally. And Margot Robbie's kind of the same thing.

But yes, that name taken in isolation. Yes. Yeah. Normally a Margot, I would think of a – it's more of an old stuffy name, isn't it, Margot? It is, yeah. I would have thought so. I would have thought so.

But I'm sure there's much worse examples if anyone can think of them. Yeah, there'd be supermodels that have. And guys, let's just not let this descend into just people with foreign names. Oh, yeah. I could see that happening very quickly. Or just getting on our socials and just posting pictures of really hot bikini models and going, oh, they've got a slightly weird name. Pamela, that's weird, isn't it?

I don't mind that happening. Maybe we should make a different group for isn't it? I don't mind that. Maybe we should make a different group for that, maybe. I don't know. There's plenty of groups like that on the internet. We don't need to make another one. Yeah, we don't need to facilitate this. That's fine. I was trying to think of anyone called Doris or anything like that. I can't really think of anything.

Fine. Yeah, but thanks, Lauren. Thanks, Lauren. I've got, but thanks. Thanks, Lauren. Thanks, Lauren. Um, all right. I am, I gotta go. I'm getting tired. Yeah. I gotta go.

Me too. What time is it? Um. Go to the gym. I was supposed to be back home half an hour ago already. Oh, were you? Yep. I'm going to book in for, I'm going to book in for the gym live on air.

Really? Do you have to book in for the gym? Yep. Because it's classes. Oh, right. I've never done any classes at the gym. 4.30. 4 have to book in for the gym yep because it's classes oh right i've never done any classes at the gym 4 30 i can make that i went to one um doing it i went to one class in the gym ever i went to like one of those dance i did one class of zumba i did zumba great let me tell you i want you to come to an f45 class with me sure okay i'd like to see how you

how you find it. How do you think I would find it? I don't know. Yeah, I can't tell. Because you tell a lot of stories about sitting in the gutter after you go to the gym and spewing. Yeah. But I... Because F45 is pretty intense, but it's not like you have someone standing over you just like pushing you and pushing you and pushing you. But I only tell stories like that because they're funny i don't there's nothing funny in telling stories

about me doing very well at the gym yeah so yeah um i wouldn't struggle i'd be fine i'm sure uh it wouldn't be that funny i'd probably just fucking clock the class right yeah they halfway through they're like stop the music yeah this guy's teaching the class. Yes. For the next 20 minutes. Yes. And then I just started bench pressing the previous instructor to really make him think about what he's done. Yeah. Um,

all right. All right. Well, one final one. We've only got time for one more before you have to go to your gym session. Yeah. Obviously. Yep.

And this one's going to be, you know, this is, I'll be kind of using this term. This is, this is my, this is my warmup. This is going to find me up for the I'll be kind of using this term. This is my warm-up. This is going to fire me up for the gym. What?

Reading out a name. I'm going to deadlift this name. Reading out a name is going to... Yeah. That's weird. I've got my core activated for this one. Oh, but very quickly, thank you to everyone who has been DMing me and holding me accountable about doing my little butt exercises to get my little booty up because I was having back

problems. Yep. Um, appreciate it getting a lot of them. Yep. Is it falling on deaf ears? Absolutely. Damn.

Uh, but yeah, big mistake on my part. Cause the inbox just absolutely flooded with people sending me the peach emoji. Get onto it. I know I've been doing it. I've been doing it here and there.

I've been getting better. I've been getting better, but I certainly haven't been doing them every day like I'm meant to. But thank you, guys. Okay. Keep it up because even if I'm not acting on it, I'm getting the pang of guilt, which is what you need. Great. Well.

One more name. One more. So this is going to inspire you at the gym. This is going to. Yeah. That's a lot of pressure because, you know, like for example, Martin McGrath, not a super inspirational name. So if I'm just not doing well at all, I'm just not lifting the weights properly,

I'm not doing enough reps and the trainer comes over, what's with you? And I'm like, I just heard a really bad name. Yeah. So if the algorithm had been wrong and all of a sudden it had been switched around, you had to go on Like Ben Weatherall Is this final name That I'm about to read out

You'd be You know Barely Barely Fucking lifting A four kilogram dumbbell No I'd be caning it Because it would have

Reminded me of how much I love Adelaide Oh right that one So that one would have worked Yeah yeah yeah Okay alright Okay well alright The pressure's on this last one

I just hope it's not another Sort of dud Boring one Fingers crossed. Yeah. Anyway, this is number five this week. Let's hope the fifth one is a charm. Okay, fingers crossed for you, buddy.

I really... I need this. I don't want to get out of here and get a Facebook message from you in 45 minutes time going, oh, I just fucked it. Couldn't you have rigged it somehow just one week? Just one week. One week, trick the system up. I did so badly in that class that I think I've got cancer a lot again.

So thanks for that. Yeah. Oh, that's weird. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Bat Cancer Comedy. That's weird you just said that. That's going to help me, I think. That's going to help you? Yeah, because it's reminding me of what I told you about being a sick young child,

about how bats gave me cancer. Oh, yeah. And so that will – because it's like realistically I literally should be dead. Right. And so the fact that I'm here and able to podcast and able to go to the gym, it really is a gift. It is. I was given a second chance.

Yeah. So I don't want to waste this opportunity at the gym you know i should be in peak condition yeah i should be looking after myself i just hope that your gym isn't in a cave or something and it's like you don't catch it again right if you is that impossible if you if these doctors have said to you you may have got cancer off those bats if you go back to that cave again can you get it again can you go you get the same same strain of cancer again jeopardy oh is it double jeopardy cancer what i should do is go back with an air rifle just fucking taking these cunts oh like the end of your cancer movie where you go

back and make sure it can never happen yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah get a stick of dynamite and blow up that cave you should if you survive something like that, you should get to... That should be the reward. They drive you out into the area and it's hunting season. Right. That would be fucking sick. Sure. You get to skin it. Getting back to the Warner Brothers cartoons.

Shh, I'm hunting cancer. It's cancer season. Yep. Yep. Fuck. Bats. Very interesting stuff. I hope there's no season. Yep. Yep. Fuck. Bats. Very interesting stuff. I hope there's no bats in Thailand.

Oh, there would be in certain parts. Not where we're going. Not on the beautiful beaches of Koh Samui. There'd be bats in Thailand. Chawing. Here in the caves, we've never really gone. You know what? We've never gone really exploring, have we?

We just sort of hang out at the beach when we go to the festival. I took a little drive on the last day of the first festival last year. The day after everything. Yeah, 2017, the day after everything finished. Hired a car, did a little lap of the island, went and saw an elephant chained up, which was one of the most awful things I've ever witnessed in my life. But we had to walk past him to get to a nice waterfall.

I've never been to a waterfall there. Oh, really? I did a lap of the island last time I've ever witnessed in my life. But we had to walk past him to get to a nice waterfall. I've never been to a waterfall there. Oh, really? I did a lap of the island last time. Last year's festival, there was a bunch of guests. We got on the bikes and did a full lap. It's fun. Yeah, it was fun. I loved being in a car there.

That was great. Yeah. Being able to hoon around. Reminder out there that we do have a full video for sale now. Yes. Of the 2018. Yes. I believe it's gumroad.com slash samui.

Yeah. Is where you can get it for sale. We've got to get it attached to our website, to littledumbdumbclub.com. We've got to get it attached on the front page of that so you can buy that there. Hopefully, we will do that very soon. But otherwise, you can have a look for it on the socials

somewhere I'm just double hang on I know I have it here I'm just checking it yeah it's $10 if you want to watch it

it's all been tricked up and it's come up great there we go gum.co slash samui S-A-M-U-I yep plenty of people

still getting still getting a lot of messages from people that are keen on coming to the final one 2019 so keep hitting us up if you've got any qualms any queries

you know by now I do not mind being hit up about it always happy to answer questions about the greatest festival on earth I didn't know you can do this you can rate it on Gumroad it's got five stars has it off one rating well thank you thank you whoever did that

alright let's get out of here yep alright folks thanks for listening You got five stars. Has it? Off one rating. Well, thank you. Thank you whoever did that. All right. Let's get out of here. Yeah. All right, folks. Thanks for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates.