The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 443 - Russell Howard & Nick Capper

Episode Date: April 2, 2019

This week we're graced by the presence of international superstar RUSSELL HOWARD and hassled for money by NICK CAPPER! We hear about Capper missing out on a role on The Leftovers, why Russell loves Starbucks, Tommy nearly got stuck in Adelaide PLUS Russell has some London tips for us and we get an update on Capper's travel plans to the UK! Don't forget, we have a heap of live shows coming up:MELBOURNE! We're doing another month of huge shows at the Comedy Festival. Saturday March 30, April 6, April 13 & April 20, 4:30pm.We're also doing an extra show: Late Night Dum Dum. Friday April 5, 11:55pm. LONDON! Third and final show is now on sale! Saturday May 4, 3:15pm.KOH SAMUI! Come join us for a huge week of shows at an amazing resort. June 11 - 16. SYDNEY! Big live podcast and stand-up show. July 27, 7:30pm. NEWCASTLE! We're heading your way for the first time. Don't blow it! July 28, 5pm. For tickets, merchandise, links to our Patreon and heaps of other stuff, head to our website: littledumdumclub.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a great new episode with special guests Russell Howard and Nick Capper. Wow, how did we get him and Russell Howard? First of all, a few things that we need to let you know about. This show this week is brought to you by Cal Wilson and her show Gifted Underachiever at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. It is on now until April the 21st. It's at 7pm at the Victoria Hotel. Cal's been on the show a bunch of times. Great friend of the show. Get out and see that show.

My parents saw it the other night and they absolutely loved it. So go check that out. Comedy.com.au is where you can find all the information about Cal Wilson and her show. Carl, what have we got? We have got a bunch of shows in Melbourne. If you're listening to this straight away, they're all pretty much sold out.

Go to the website and find out when they are. We've also got solo shows on in Melbourne. Tommy, you've got your show. My show, Balding Cherub, it started the other night. It's been going great so far. Thanks to everyone who's already come down. 8.20pm at the Coopers Inn. Really happy with the show.

It's on every night except for Tuesdays. I've got a bunch of my little, very short run shows. Carl Chandler One Man Comedy Factory. It's a very loose, cheap muck around show if you want to come and see that. Straight after the live podcast in Melbourne. Straight after that, we go to London. Go to

the website. Straight after that, we have a little bit of a rest. But then straight after that little rest, we have Koh Samui. Come to that. Yeah, June 11 till 16. And then we're about to sell out Sydney and Newcastle. So get on to that. Yep.

Heaps of shows coming up. LittleDumbDumbClub.com.au. We'd love to see you at one of them. Until then, though, enjoy this episode with Russell Howard and Nick Capper. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo and with me as always the other half of the program, Carl Chandler.

G'day, dickhead. Oh, you have to laugh, don't you? Well, excited about our guest this week. Yeah, let's get him in. Welcome back on the show, Russell Howard. Hello. And international superstar, Nick Capper. Who we just found out earlier could have been the ticket inspector in... The leftovers, yeah.

The ferry ticket. Yeah. It was soul-crushing because if you audition for a big role, you go, well, obviously there's some big-time actors in that. I don't feel rejected about that. But to not get ticket inspector, like a two-minute role, you're like, how much better was everybody else? You're not enough of a cunt. I don't think you could fine someone for not having a ticket.

I disagree. Not that he's a cunt. But no, not that you've got kind eyes. You don't look like a cunt. But I don't think ticket inspectors are necessarily cunts right

I think we think that they are they don't nobody like my cousin is a ticket inspector in Bath in the west country

in England and he deliberately gives tickets to rugby players because he hates them right but that doesn't make him a cunt

a man with a coat but you can't be deliberately giving out fines to someone unless they don't have a ticket, though. Oh, no, it's not like stamping them on their face. It's just on the car. But I thought it was a ferry inspector, which is very different from a car inspector.

Yeah, yeah. A ticket inspector, surely. I mean, on the water, you're a lot kinder. You know what I mean? You're on the sea. But you look like somebody that would let... Like, if somebody Didn't have enough money To get to fucking

Where's that place Where all the quokkas are Phillip Island No no no Oh sorry Rottnest Island Yeah if they didn't have Enough money

You'd let them slide Yeah totally Because he would relate To anyone with no money Yeah I've been in that position We've all been in that situation No you're saying that Like it's a past tense

Oh yeah no that's true Yeah it did It did happen to me No, you're saying that like it's a past tense. Oh, yeah, no, that's true. Yeah, it did happen to me not to. You look, I mean, we are in a fancy hotel right now. It looks like. But you just being inside, I think, was impressed before. Yeah, this is incredible. Shelter from the rain, you're like, wow, this is awesome. Rather than Russell's like, do you want a coffee?

I was like, yeah. That was what was so brilliant. So we're in this kind of wanky hotel, which is lovely, the Park Hyatt, but it feels like we're in the corner in this kind of sort of swanky 70s nightclub. Yeah, yeah. And it feels like you're talking about our fucking start-up. Yeah. And, you know, I offered all the guys a coffee.

I told Tommy a coffee. Carl, yes. Carl, I forgot your name. I would have been fine with that if you hadn't forgotten Tommy's name but fuck me dad but I

so fuck me dad is an awful phrase isn't it so I so I offered you both one and you both went no and it was amazing

because you went fucking yeah like you said yes that would be lovely but your eyes were like two he didn't hear what you were offering

he just said yes can I forego the coffee and just have the money that you would have spent on the coffee to put towards rent for this month? Well, I said to Carl, I said, oh, I'm keen for a coffee. You know, before this, I want to get wound up. But then coffee with funny. You know what I mean? Like with a bit of sprinkle funny.

Handed to me in that Russell Howard fashion. Absolutely put the flavour on it. You could definitely play a barista. Oh. Definitely. After you gave Kappa barista. Oh. Definitely. After you gave Capa that coffee. Man.

Yeah. Let's do some kind of sketch like barista and pick an inspector have a transaction. The kings of background role comedy. That's quite nice.

What could I play? What would be a background role for me? Dying Boy? Dying Boy. Is that in the background though? No, we want to stretch. Tommy raises a good point.

Just to see when he's finished. We said Dying Boy. Next. I've only got weeks. Next. You'd have to be the most unexciting Dying Boy ever. Like, Jesus Christ. Dying Boy doesn't get a speaking part.

Yeah, mate, we all like dolphins. His major wish is, can I have a sentence in this production yeah you don't know that but you've picked that straight away he was a dying boy

about 10-15 years ago yeah art imitating life he's obviously just held on to that look though I went method I went deep what's Carl

what's Carl playing in the background of an HBO series background player obviously without having a memorable name I'm born for the role

yeah what Carl would do is because I've noticed again you're wearing a Liverpool hat yes and the last time we met you were wearing

a full Liverpool kit yes so to continue this theme if I run let's call it Capper's Coffee Shop yep you arrive dressed as me every day.

Right, all right. In a desperate way to ingratiate yourself. Right, right. And it's like the same socks. Yes. So you'll just kind of look at me, lift up your trousers. I've got the shoes on. We've got the same socks on.

Yeah, I've got the shoes on. Yeah, exactly. My big question is, so you're working in Kappa's Coffee Shop. So this guy owns a coffee shop. Yeah. And then he's still working as a ferry ticket inspector just for the love of the craft. Because he's following his dream. And because we're brothers.

Yeah. I see the resemblance. Yeah, exactly. I'm letting the business fund his dream. Okay, great. That's very cool of you. So every day he'll go out to get another role in a film as a background artist. And every time he fails, and I hand him a coffee at the end of every episode.

And he smiles and he wakes up the next day and lives his dream again. Unlike you, Will. Yeah. His background roles are paying for my medicine. So I'm invested in this as well. I really need him to get this big Hollywood break. I remember you. What a guy that doesn't back himself, though.

My dream is to be a ferry ticket inspector. Not to drive the ferry ticket inspector. Not to drive the ferry. That's beyond me. That's some sort of superhero role. I'm going to aim too high. That's the stars. I want to get people on and off the boat.

He's got posters of people, ferry inspectors, all over his wall. That's the relationship we've got. I remember Russell and I when we were growing up. Yeah, I remember that. If one of us made it, Russell goes, well, what would you want if I ever made it? And I said, look, I'd like to own a ferry or just be a ticket inspector on one, actually, and have a cafe and look after dying boys while, you know, you're like a charity. Terry, you go to ferry ticket inspectors saying, where do you get your ideas? You know, I'd love to do this one day. Oh, that'd be so great, man. Terry, you go to ferry ticket inspectors saying, where do you get your ideas?

You know, I'd love to do this one day. Oh, that'd be so great, man. Capper's floating cafe for dying boys. Just wandering up to ticket inspectors. What are you thinking? What's going on out there? And in this restaurant as well, the waiters go up and every time they take an order, they go, make a wish. What would you like? And so halfway through all this happening, Carl comes in in his walk-on role as Russell

Howard? No, no, no. Is that what's happening? So he'll just rock up and everyone's like, oh, everyone sort of looks at their fucking Carl's back. Like that. And then Carl never speaks. He'll just kind of like lift up and he'll show that he's got the same socks on as me

and I'll be like how the fuck does he know what socks I wear and then he'll just sniff and then walk out and then it carries on because Russell thinks

that I'm wearing this hat as a desperate attempt to ingratiate myself to him because he backs for Liverpool he doesn't know that I wear the same

fucking hat every single day he does wear it and it's disgusting as well. It's due for an upgrade. It's okay. It's pretty dirty. It's fine. That's what you told me to say, right?

No. Fuck, if I'm the one being told off as dirty compared to the fucking old Freddy Ferry over here. Freddy Ferry. Okay, I've got to get method. I've got to smell like a fish trawler or something. Carl's coming over.

We're back on the ferry. Carl's coming over because you have ingratiation. I don't know how to say it. That's why you're at the back of the boat. I never wanted to be a teacher on a boat. If you can't say ingratiate, you can't steer a ship.

Yeah, exactly. Because Carl does have this love for the Liverpool team, your team, would you have him stay in your house? Let's not ask that. I'm doing all right. I'm doing all right. I don't need to stay at anyone's house. In the show or when you do your live show?

I think we've just blurred lines here. Are we still in character? I don't know. This is like adaptation. It's sort of merging into real life. What Kappa means is, what Kappa's left out

is about two paragraphs. What's happening is, we are coming to London. We are going to England where you live, where you are from. Yeah. And now,

the backstory is, what's really happening is, and you know this, Liverpool Football Club are very close... Fucking right. Very close. Ali, ali, ali, ali.

To winning the Premier League for the first time in 30 years. Yeah, 29. Yes. So the plan is, hey, I'm just rounding it up for the plebs, for the fucking ferry inspectors, for fucking. Dying boy. Dying boy. What you want to know is do I have season tickets?

No. The answer is yes. No, I don't want to know that. Do I have two season tickets? No. The answer is yes. No, I don't want to have it. Do I have two season tickets? Really? The answer is yes. Right. So what's happening is we're coming over to do live shows in London.

It's changed everything, hasn't it? Did I mention I'm a Liverpool fan? Did I mention my eBay account is on there? No, no. Cap is about to say, have you got season tickets to breakfast? Because I'd love, if you've got a second one, I'd love some of that. But you presumably just lost your mind because I mentioned Liverpool and tickets. Yeah.

Man, if you sent coffee after that, I would come. I would come right now. This is not a ferry to Liverpool. This is to see the soccer. Yeah, this game doesn't happen in international waters by chance, does it? It's very exciting, though, eh? Yes. So, first time in 29 years, hopefully, potentially.

Right. So, a couple of months ago, I said to myself, right, that's it. I'm not going to miss out. So, I'm going to go over. I'm going to go over for it. I'm going to go and So a couple of months ago, I said to myself, right, that's it, I'm not going to miss out. So I'm going to go over. I'm going to go over for it. I'm going to go and watch a couple of games. Which games? Well, Huddersfield at home.

Well, I'm going to that. I might be able to get you a ticket. Well, I've just got a ticket. But I'm happy to fuck that ticket off because I reckon you'll have a better one. But I've just got a ticket. So I was about to offer it to you. But third last game, second last game. Hi, Russell Howard. I've got a ticket. Yeah. So, I was about to offer it to you, but third last game, second last game.

Hi, Russell Howard. I've got a ticket to the football team. That could be huge, though. My friend Al Pitcher, who, do you guys know? Yeah, I know Al. Yeah, yeah. So, he's coming to that as well. Right.

Yeah. Because he's a Huddersfield fan. Oh, right, right, right. So, you know, a couple of months ago, what were we, like seven, eight points clear? Yeah. I thought, you know, third last game. Yeah, that'll be the one. That might be the one. Yeah. Ever since I announced that, eight points clear. Yeah. I thought, you know, third last game. Yeah, that'll be the one. That might be the one.

Ever since I announced that I was going over, boom, we've lost nine points or so. Well, that's kind of how I feel. So I started supporting Liverpool when I was 10, and that was the last time we won the league. Yes, right. When, you know, we all remember Ronnie Rosenthal. Exactly. In the last 10 games of the season. Yes, on loan.

Who could forget when we beat Coventry 6-1 and he scored a hat-trick. Yes. But since that, we haven'tventry 6-1 and he scored a hat-trick? But since that, we haven't won. So I see myself as a curse. Yes, well, exactly what I'm feeling right now that I've announced it. What happened was I said, right, I'm going to go over. Tommy, if you ever want to go over and do a London live show, let's do it now because I'm going to go over. He's decided

yes, he's going to come over. So we've sold out three London shows. I'm going to go up and watch. I don't think, Tommy, are you going to come? I've we've sold out three London shows. I'm going to go up and watch. I don't think... Tommy, are you going to come? I've got a spare ticket now. Oh, you do? Yeah.

Oh, maybe I will come then. Yeah. You've got to go, man. Yeah, okay. Just even if you're not into football, it's just... Yeah, but if they're not winning or they don't win, I don't know that I want to be in the blast zone of next to this guy, if anything bad happens.

Huddersford aren't a great team. I think we'll win. Yeah, but I guess what you're meaning is if we end up dropping a bunch of points right now and all of a sudden we're going up to watch Liverpool

hopefully come third in the league fucking hell. I'm not going to be in the best mood to fly across the world to see that. Al Pitcher will be like

who's this cunt? Is that why you've left the country for a bit Russell? Because you see yourself as a curse and you want to give them a bit of a break away from you being on the same soil? Weirdly, the reason I've left the country is because of Brexit.

I've spent the last 14 weeks writing about Brexit and I'm fucking fed up. And now, tonight, I'm doing Charlie Pickering's show where I've got to talk about Brexit. So that's why I've enjoyed this ramble about a coffee shop. Yeah, yeah.

Desperately clinging on to anything that doesn't involve England leaving Europe. But also, like, the coffee shops in Melbourne, I was thinking this this morning, I had a bit of an incident

because you guys were late. That's fine. It actually helped me because my phone was out of charge, lost the charger. I'm looking for a charger, trying to find one desperately there aren't enough fucking Starbucks

in this fucking city and I'll explain why I got no problem whatsoever taking a shit in a Starbucks I sort of see it as my civic duty they don't pay tax I'll go in there but you can't shit in any

it's all like fucking Sebastian's fucking mocha museum you feel like an arsehole and all the extra money goes towards teaching kids ballet. I can't take a shit in there. So I need more Starbucks so I can comfortably have a poo in public. Stuff you don't respect. Mate, it's awful. You can't take a dump in those places.

Apparently Australians didn't like Starbucks because we like our coffee really nice. I get why the coffee's rancid. but that's not the point of a Starbucks. It's like a McDonald's. It's a place you can shit in public. And you've got no problem. Aren't we one of the only places in the world that's gotten rid of them, Starbucks? Yeah, there's like one or two. It was desperate this morning.

I nearly shit myself in the street. I'm not joking. It was awful. So I had to go into this kind of upmarket place where it looked like they were doing quite well. Yeah, great. If you're still busting for somewhere you don't respect, my house is just down the street. Oh, no, I respect you. And I feel bad for what I said earlier.

No, but you were just speaking the truth. That was the beautiful thing. You didn't even realise it. Yeah, but that's what makes it worse, isn't it? He's a survivor. He's happy to still be here. Yeah, exactly. This is a gift.

It's a reminder of the one triumph He's had in his life Exactly I came very close To not running late today And wasting your time Russell You know I don't want to be in here at all

Where were you? I was in Adelaide Oh nice Yeah So were you doing the comedy festival? No I was doing some shows With Rob Brydon Oh no

I told him I was seeing you And he said to say hello Oh great He's a lovely bloke isn't he Classic him He said he might hit you up to hang out while you're here. I would love that. And if you do, can you put in a good word about this podcast?

Definitely. Because I asked his people about him doing it, and I believe it was the quickest no we've ever gotten back. Really? Yeah. Who are also the same people as his people. No, they're not. No, no, no, no.

No, in Australia. Oh, in Australia. Really? Yeah, the little man in the box told us to get fucked. Yeah. Nice, nice, nice, nice're not. No, no, no, no. No, in Australia. Oh, in Australia. Really? Yeah, the little man in the box told us to get fucked. Yeah. Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice. And the same people booked your flight, which made Tommy late for this podcast right now.

And also, it's yet another experience of Adelaide fucking this podcast over. Yes. Yes. Very much so. Fucking Adelaide. Wow. Fucking Adelaide. Really? You should go over there and take a shit in Adelaide fucking this podcast over. Yes. Yes. Very much so. Fucking Adelaide. Wow. Fucking Adelaide. Really?

So you think Adelaide... You should go over there and take a shit in Adelaide. That's the perfect place. We've done that a few times. Oh, man. I just took seven nights of shits over there. It was great.

It was a huge seven-night shit. So you just did a week of comedy. That's what you call a week of comedy for you. No, there's a couple of good shits in there. There's a couple of relief. Everyone's what you call a week of comedy for you. No, there's a couple of good shits in there. There's a couple of relief. Everyone was happy. A couple of clean snaps. Yeah, yeah.

But man, why are you taking a shit in cafes? Like, you're staying in this nice hotel. Because I was out and I got caught short. And I had a coffee from one of the, you know, like the nice coffee places. And it just went right through me. I've got a British constitution. So your coffee gets me, it gets me ready.

Oh, have we got real coffee? Is this like our beer? It's like real man's beer. Have we got real man's coffee? I think so. Yeah, yeah. Real man's coffee.

But like, I saw a guy, I was in, to talk about Rottnest Island the other day, this guy ordered a coffee and he was like, oh,

can I have four shots in that? And the woman was like, yeah, sure. Like, if that happened in England, someone would fucking ring the queen. But like the idea of four shots in one drink, you fucking mad prick. I don't drink coffee. I just don't get the whole culture. I'm not on board with it.

I don't know anything about it. I always find people that don't. Do you not drink hot drinks? No, I don't. I just find that strange. Yeah. Fair enough. But I just have never gotten into it.

Weirdly enough, it's the least strange thing about him. Why not do it? I don't know. I just don't see any need for it. I just, it doesn't. So what do you do? How do you sort of rev yourself up in the morning? I don't.

I'm just on straight away. Isn't it keyboard warrior action in the morning that I think fires him right up? Yeah, I probably get on the internet, call a few 13-year-old kids a cunt on Twitter and then I'm right for the day. Don't even talk to me before I've had my morning dose of calling a 13-year-old a cunt. Maybe that's the great big trend, that you can open a cafe. A trolling cafe. An internet cafe.

Where you go and have arguments with teenagers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Specifically, you're only allowed to be nasty to each other. Yeah, exactly. Where you go and have arguments with teenagers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Specifically, you're only allowed to be nasty to each other. Yeah, yeah. So it's like those private kind of like sex computer rooms that they have. Sure, yeah. Strip clubs or whatever, but it's just a guy on the other end pretending to be a child. Yeah, yeah.

And abusing online. Hang on, hang on. What's a private sex computer room? Don't they have those like jack-off rooms where you like do chats? Do they? Is that a thing? Mate, you explain to me. I mean, I don't do hot drinks

and I don't do jacking off to computers in fucking... I just... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You're not going to tell me. Sit here, look in the state of you. You've never jacked off in front of a computer.

No, not in a... I only have memory wanks. Bullshit. We all need stimuli. I didn't finish the sentence inanks. Bullshit. We all need to stimulate. I didn't finish this sentence. In public. In private. Different.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Completely different. People do that, though. There are booths that you go into and there's just a computer there. Where? Really? Yeah, in like Club X and stuff. Oh, right.

In a sex shop. Tell me the address. I'll go check it out, see if it's real or not. I'll prove if you're wrong or not. Watch that. Just a live feed. Yeah, it's real or not. I'll prove if you're wrong or not. Just a low fee. Yeah, it's real, all right! It's real!

The ferry ticket inspector loses his job and that's his pay. You would get the role. Don't worry, you would get the role of man walking into a sex shop wanting to whack off to a computer. Don't worry about that. Should I install this on my ferry? On a jack-off room, just in case we've had too much time at sea. Who is so horny on a ferry that they need the jack-off?

Man, there's a rhythmical ocean thing going there. There's a dead boy. A dying boy. Sorry. Where's a private room? My dick just got seasick. That's a foreplay to a dead boy is dying. We've got to give a quick request to the listeners.

If you can dig up that episode of The Leftovers where they're on the ferry. Get us a screen grab of the Ticket Inspector because we need to see who Nick Capper lost the role to. Don't show me. Don't show me. Give me PTSD. What we'll do, we'll have a screen grab of that and then we'll force you to masturbate over it. How does that sound? That is the saddest way I could always do it.

Wanking over someone who got your role. And listen, and I really, I'm surprised and upset myself that I used the word force. I should have said allow. To be honest,

it wouldn't be the saddest thing I've jerked off over. Oh, really? Give us a top five. No, no, no. We don't want to go on it. We'll be here all day.

Yeah. Right. My friend once had sex with a girl at his nan's at the wake of his nan's funeral wow one of the saddest things i had a real thing where i i was having a lot of sex mid weddings for a while that makes sense but that's like you know does anyone know of any reason why these two but um would you be mid? So during the service? Between the service and the reception. Wow.

What? Yeah. How was that happening? Either I was there with my girlfriend, one of girlfriends or whatever, or I was meeting people. Oh, la, la. Yeah. So you were just so excited by love. Really?

Oh, wow. I don't know why it was happening, but it happened like three weddings in a row once. Yeah. Wow. And it included one time where we... Did you ever sing that, you know,

the Kylie and suddenly I fell just the way I am. And my dick looked a lot like Angry Anderson. So, yeah. So, yeah. There was one wedding

in the country and then we were driving desperately to find anywhere where we could have sex, like in between the reception and the... Man, you guys should do a movie. Three weddings and a funeral. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just got Carl and your mate. And then we were running out of time, so we just found this spot, and we're going at it, and then we just literally, as we were going at it, we just got surrounded by cows. They just saw us, and we got surrounded by cows as we were doing it. It was fucking extremely frightening. Did that prolong things or speed it up? Oh, I couldn't do it when cows are watching. That's one of my little taboos.

So you stopped? Yeah, we had to stop because, like, well, the girl I was with was scared we were going to get stampeded. Fuck, what a way to go. It doesn't matter what you've done in your career. That would be the... You were having a cold and then you got killed by a Frisian. There I am, surrounded by even more teats than I imagined we were going to start with. And I couldn't finish the job.

In the newspaper. The problem with your cow as well is that cows have no emotional range. Right. So there isn't like you know, it's just they're making noises at you. Because I'd have been tempted in sort of mid

passion to try and learn cows so they would fuck off. I think they did to start with. I think that's how we got alerted to it to start with. But yeah, I don't remember a lot except for hurriedly putting pants on and taking off and going back to the car. Did you read the newspaper the next day? Like, herd of cattle commit mass suicide.

The farmer's like, I've never seen anything like it. They just ran in front of a truck. All of them at once. They all went them at once. They all went off a cliff. It was like they'd seen the worst shit ever. And I'd cut most of these cows' balls off or stuck my hand up their ass. You cut cows' balls off.

Interesting concept. Oh, man. If you're the farmer, let's say it goes the other way, right, and you're a farmer and you come across these two naked bodies that have been trampled to death and clearly they've been in the act do you do them do you just report it immediately or do you do them the favor and go i got to get the clothes back on these i got to save their families the embarrassment of you know knowing how they died bury the bodies protect your flock farming's a tough game these days. So you can't afford to lose what we're talking, 30 daisies?

Yeah, that's great. So you come across two dead bodies and you're like, man, I thought the drought was bad. Now I've got to cover up. He thinks he's covered everything up and then they go, how come none of your cows give any milk anymore for the rest of time? I don't know, it's just a weird coincidence. How come your cows cry and sit in the corner like the Blair Witch?

None of them wanted to breed ever again. So, Liverpool, more importantly. Why are they shuddering? Liverpool, more importantly. So, great. So, you're going to be there. Lovely. Nice one.

So, we'll hang out? Yeah, totally. Let's do that. Very exciting stuff. Now, we're going to London. So, any tips for us about London and Liverpool? Because I've been to Liverpool once. I did go there with one of my best mates.

Yeah. Went to watch a game, and this is like 10, 15 years ago. Went up there, watched Liverpool beat Bolton, Wanderers 2-0. Golf from Owen and Duf, I believe. Oh, Elhans Duf, yeah. Yes. So, good match. Good match to go and watch. A, Elhaz Duf, yeah. Yes. So good match. Good match to go and watch.

A bit weird. A bit weird, though. Because I heard all the clichés about Liverpool as a city. And then they sort of all sort of came true. What, the shell suits? Yes. Yeah, people still wear shell suits. We got obsessed with that, which we call tracksuit tops and pants.

Oh, that's cool. Yeah. But, like, really over the top. Like everyone up there had like... It sounds like Chadston. Yeah, yeah. It's a little bit like that. Everyone had like afros and like older men had a lot of jewellery.

A lot of jewellery. Oh, dang. I'm loving this. That's a thing, isn't it? What? When did we go? I don't think so. No.

I want to become a jewellery guy, so I'd fit right in here. Maybe I will come to this. 12, 15 years ago. You want to start wearing jewellery? Yeah, I wore right in here maybe I will come to this 12-15 years ago you want to start wearing jewellery yeah I wore a ring to a wedding the other day just to see how it felt did you get any action

yeah yeah did you end up with a load of ferrets watching your band no but I don't think that's related to the ring okay people were standing around and watching but not chaos

what's um oh you'd love it though yeah it's kind of I can't speak ill of the city I love it Right It's just

I don't know It's kind of I saw a man A man told me off Yeah For catching him Like Break into a payphone

Great Like I was watching a guy Break into a payphone In broad daylight It was like It was like 1pm Yeah And I was watching him going

This is amazing Just watching him Yeah yeah yeah And he turned around And told me went fuck off stop looking at me all right oh sorry mate yeah that's great getting really on the front foot that's great yeah then we couldn't get into any nightclubs um it's quite that's the only funny thing it's quite of a weekend it's it's one of the few places in the uk where still you've got to be dressed up. Yeah. It's weird. Like London gave up on that a while ago. But you've still got to be fucking dressed up, mate.

Yes. Fucking wear your trousers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking Mrs. Dresses up in the fucking way. So we had sneakers on and we couldn't get in anywhere. So we tried heaps of places and then we went to the Walkabout, which is an Australian-themed pub. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It still goes over there, yeah?

Whoa, don't brag, Carl. Jesus Christ, exotic. Boys, I can't wait to hit up the fucking Walkabout. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck this. Let's go to the Walkabout. Fuck this. Man, we tried.

Fuck me dead. I'm not one of those people. Let's move our pod to the Walkabout, boys. I'm not one of those people that would go into that normally, but we literally couldn't get in anywhere. So we went into there and said, well, surely we can get in here with sneakers on into the Walkabout, into an Australian-themed pub. Yeah, yeah themed pub and they go no no no not no shows

mate and we go we literally go fucking hell mate we're australian you gotta let us in like this our accent is our idea you gotta let us in and the guy goes that actually makes sense okay yeah oh really yeah yeah and let us know well weirdly I remember going into a walkabout in Sheffield, right? And I had a Yankees cap on. Yep. And this boy was like, sorry, mate. You're not allowed in. I was like, why? He kind of goes, no, no sportswear.

Like that. But you're not allowed in. Why? And he went, rivalry. Yes. And I was like, rivalry? Right. Between Sheffield and New York.

There's still weird. Yeah. There's still weird... The Sheffield Mets. Yeah. There's still weird codes. That's great. Oh, let's get this New York cunt. Yeah, yeah. Exactly.

But Sheffield's a good... They've got the, for my money, the best nicknames for their team. So, they're called Sheffield Wednesday

and Sheffield United. They're the two teams. Like, the only team in the world named after the worst day of the week. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you've picked the hardest one to spell, which is not helping any football supporters. But even better, the... So, Sheffield United, Sheffield's a big steel city, so they're called the Blades.

Right? Makes sense. Blades. Sheffield Wednesday are referred to as the owls it's fucking great the idea of a fight between the blades and the owls

I fucking love it so we were in Liverpool we got into the the walkabout and this guy and I feel like I felt very confused

about this but I felt like this was probably appropriate for the city so we hung out we had a drink there and we couldn't understand anyone yeah with that that accent yeah we my mate went to the toilet and i got like this one guy just sort of went you're sitting here with me and i didn't know the guy and he was he was just really intimidating right and after like

10 minutes he goes you're coming home with me and And I was like, I couldn't figure out... Was this mid-wedding? No, no, no! Ha ha ha! But I couldn't... Shando's done it again. Here's the thing... The first guy to wear a tux into a walkabout.

Of course you're not going to get laid. Where are the nearest cows that love watching gay sex? But I couldn't figure out. Honestly, to this day, I couldn't figure out whether he wanted to... To the stockyard. I couldn't figure out whether he wanted to fuck me or beat me to death or both. I couldn't figure it out. And the subtlety was, of course, lost because of the accent.

I couldn't figure out what the fuck was going on. So you're bringing this up to ask Russell? What did you say back to him? I was like, oh, I'm just waiting for my mate who's in the toilets. Very nice. Good cover. Yeah, yeah. Not very good cover at all, is it?

Right. He's beating his dick off. Yeah, yeah. So soon. Leave me alone. And he was, man, he was ages. And this guy was fucking hassling me really badly. And I was really like, I don't know who's going to find me or like how I'm going to

get out of this. And my mate came back and I just fucking ran. Just went, I've got to go with my mate. And that was it. Right. It's so weird. I remember years ago, I was like 19. I just started doing stand up and I just fucking ran. Just went, I've got to go with my mate. And that was it. Right. It's so weird. I remember years ago, I was like 19. I'd just started doing stand-up.

And I was in Brighton. I was just walking back from a gig. It was like 1 in the morning. And I'd gone, all right. And this guy sort of grabbed my cock and balls. Right. Just went, and I was like, and he went, I'm a police officer. And I genuinely swear that I shouted,

I sort of rid myself and went, no, you're not, you're a monster. And I ran away. It's that amazing thing, isn't it? Like when you find yourself in these weird situations, just because we do stand up, we feel like we can get our way out of anything on stage. If some bloke went, you're coming over me,

you'll be fine. But suddenly, like all your superpowers are like yeah my friend in the toilet i was still feeling like i was i was hiding from people because i had sneakers on i was like i better do the right thing and go home with this guy i guess you know i've worn the wrong shoes i better do the right thing by someone i love the idea russell that that guy's just then watched your career explode and seeing you on tv and going well i'll be damned. It's the guy whose cock and balls I had in my hand once. It's weird you say that because

I was talking about this with, do you know John Richardson? He's a brilliant comedian from the UK. He's great. So he does like 8 out of 10 cats and that, right? But I'm always really nice to people when they want a photo. And this is the major reason. The first time I got recognised was in Bath bath there's probably

a load of there's about four the city not the city yeah my mom's like i know you you came out you're looking you've got more bubbles on you than usually but i think that's you can i have a photo to bring out at your 21st yeah yeah so i was you know i got right and they were probably four of them they're about 13 14 right and they'd see me on mott the week they're like oh you're that blue of mott the week i was like oh it was the first time it ever happened they were like how can we have a photo so i was like sure so we took this photo and there was kind of this awkward beat um where you know they weren't leaving and i didn't know how to so i said so which one of you guys is going to wank me off

as a laugh as a joke and it was you know they were like proper like and kind of like stranger and kind of ran off and they sound like the cows that were surrounding me while i was you know when you're kind of going I think about those they're probably you know 30 now and I think about them

occasionally watching me on TV and just going I'll fucking tell you a story about him they're going to turn up on babe.net yeah

it's babe.net isn't that this website that had the Aziz Ansari thing babe.net yeah wasn't that the website I didn't know I don't need to get into it

but anyway yeah the policeman jumps out of the bushes he's like I'll wank you I'm a policeman Sorry thing? Babe.net. Yeah, wasn't that the website? I didn't know that. I don't need to get into it, but anyway. Yeah, the policeman jumps out of the bushes. He's like, I'll wank you. I'm a policeman. What if that's the reason they didn't wank you off? They're like, look, none of us are policemen. There's that weird rule, isn't there, in the UK,

where if you're a pregnant woman, it's one of these old ancient bylaws. You're still allowed to urinate in a policeman's hat. What? What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll be whipping that out as if we all know it. Yeah, we agree. old ancient bylaws, you're still allowed to urinate in a policeman's hat. What? I love you whipping that out as if we all know it. But it's a strange kind of bylaw. Any other London tips? Dress as a pregnant lady

and ask a policeman if you can piss in his hat. Unfortunately, Australia doesn't have that rule today. London tips. No Starbucks. Yeah. There's lots of Starbucks. What do you want to do in London?

What do you want to get out of London? Well, that's it. So we need to know that. I went there like 15 years ago, and I didn't have that great of a time because I didn't really know what to do, and I didn't have any money. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I felt like the only thing you could afford over there at the time on an Australian wage was chocolate and beer.

Right. So that's what I was living on. But now you've got a fat pocket. Yeah, yeah. So you feel like you can... Now I've got podcast money. Yeah, exactly. What are you into?

What's your... What would you like to do? You know, like we're doing comedy gigs over there and you've obviously done comedy, Russell. Wow. Someone's done his research. All right, Wikipedia. Stop sucking up. How do they react to bombing in London?

You know, is it? You won't bomb. Is it a hate or is it a... No, but finally we're international. Yeah, yeah. Whenever people from Ireland or whatever come here, it's like, oh, fancy, whatever. So finally we're the fancy. We just get to comment on street signs with a different accent.

What is it with all these constant pregnant women pissing in police hats over here? But you'll be exhausting and exciting. It'll be brilliant. You'll have an amazing time. What if I open with that? Just walk in dressed as a pregnant woman and piss into a police hat?

Yeah, a bit of a crop comedy. And a bomb's like, oh, well, Russell Howard said it would work. That's hack over there, though. You could certainly mention it, but I think if you were to walk on dressed as a pregnant lady and piss in a policeman's hat, if I'm brutally honest, I think if you were to walk on dressed as a pregnant lady and piss in a policeman's hat,

if I'm brutally honest, I think they'd be confused. But I think if you were to say, we asked for a tip of what to do in London and Russell Howard said this, I think it'd be pretty funny. And we quickly realised that he was a cunt. And then if you kind of go at me like that.

But I don't know, it's weird, eh? So you think if we bag you out to our crowds over there, that'll make them like us more? I think if you bag me out about giving you the idea of pissing in a policeman's hat, I think it'd be funny. I think it'd be funny. But what would you tell me to do?

I'm like lost. I feel depressed that I can't tell you about cool things to do in London. But what would you say to do in Melbourne? Yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? It's weird that you go... Talk about Brexit on the weekly.

Yeah. But what do you... I don't know, but I want to know what you're into and then Melbourne? Yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? It's weird that you go... Talk about Brexit on the weekly. Yeah. But what do you... I don't know, but I want to know what you're into, and then I might genuinely be able to help you. I don't know why you need tips, Carl, because you're going to go and have this great moment where you get to see this team that you supported. So you're sorted to football.

Are you going? Yes, I am. What do you like doing? I'm into agriculture and dirt bikes. Are you genuinely? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I can't help you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I can't help you. So this is what's happening.

So you're like fucking scrambling. But I could be a bit worn out because we haven't told you about my travel arrangements. What's happening is, so we're going over, that's half the story. So I want to see Liverpool, so I'm dragging Tommy over, we're going to do the podcast, we put three shows on sale, great.

They all sell out, we go, great. Now we start getting hit up by English listeners of ours and going, are you going to bring Nick Capper over? And we said, well, we don't have the fucking budget to do that. Also, we thought in London they might have their own comedians. Yeah. They're not struggling for it. And then people are like, no, you should bring Capper over.

Totally, yeah. And we're like, that would be so dumb. They must be getting cut out over there. Yeah, that would be so dumb. And then we sort of mentioned it and everyone agreed. And so then we put like a crowdfunding sort of thing online and people chipped in thousands of dollars to make sure he comes over. Now, what's now happened is we crowdfunded.

The goal was like $1,800 or something like that. That went zoom, bang, done, easy. It's gone over that now. Now, to make sure that's worth everyone's... Chris came in business class. Yeah, no. Well, what's happened now is because of that... Kind of business class.

We decided, right, to make it worth everyone's while, we're going to send him over the most fucked way. So the long way around, making sure he takes ferries, weirdly enough. I'm taking a ferry. You need to get a photo of that with you and the tech inspector. Yes. Exactly. So you've got to go, what, the original plan was you were flying to China,

then taking a bus from one side of China to the other side of China, flying out to the Ukraine, then taking a two-day train trip from Ukraine to London. Yes. Right. So we got that costed, and then that was, because we've gone the long way around, all of a sudden the costs are blown out for that.

Yeah, it's like three grand now yeah yeah no it was like two and a half grand or something like that now which you could be flying direct

business class for that cost yes so then we have a we have a crazy friend of ours a Serbian friend of ours

who's now has booked in against our will a gig in Serbia we have no listeners in Serbia right but he's decided

no you can do that and I'll just be part of it He's not a comedian So now because of that Because that sounds ultra fucked Now he wants a part of that So he's changed his flight plans To now be part of that

The flight plan The flight cost has blown into Like three and a half grand Or something Yeah Yeah it got locked in yesterday I paid it all yesterday So it's confirmed

If it got to two grand I said I'd do it The whole thing in a tuxedo Yeah So that's what I'm doing So now he's whole thing in a tuxedo. Yeah. So that's what I'm doing. So now he's doing that in a tuxedo. Stick. Yeah, yeah.

Can we? I'll put in an extra $500 right now if, and I will. Kappa, don't say yes already. You've got to listen to what he says. Look, $500. I'm not going to wank you off. No, no, no. I'll do that for free.

No, no, no. But because you're wearing a tux, I would love to see you with your hair straightened. So, you know when, you know, kind of... Those GHC straighteners. That's... An extra 500. Wow. And that's yours.

That's safe. And it's got to be straight the whole time. This is going to take you a week to get over there. Yeah, I'll straighten it. So you're having to stop in... My hair be straight the whole time. This is going to take you a week to get over there. Yeah, I'll straighten it. $500 for my hair straightener. You're having to stop in at the airport in Shanghai. You're not even leaving the airport and get a PowerPoint adapter for your hair straightener and just be doing that in the toilets.

Okay, for that, I will do that, Russell. And I will also grant you access to the Facebook page where you'll be getting constant updates. Exclusive videos. That's what everyone else gets. So you now have that as well, right? Yeah. Yeah, you're like a $5 listener except you've paid 100 times. Well, just text me.

Yeah, okay. I'll give you my number and I just want to see photos of you. Great. With straight hair. Because I just really like my friend Andy Zoltzman's got hair like you. Yeah. And I remember when we went swimming, it blew my mind how low it hung. And I want to see what we're working with there.

What do you think we're dealing with? I think sort of span your ears. I think it could really be flowing. Yeah, well, I won't cut it then, before then. Oh, no. I will not cut it. He shaves his head the day before. Your move, Howard.

Yeah, give me the website where I can give you the fat cash. Oh, man. Your move, Howard. Yeah, give me the website where I can give you the fat cash. Oh, man. Thank you so much. Pleasure. I can't wait for you to do your tax and your account to see this expense come up.

What the hell is this? And also, it's very endemic of this podcast, but this guy's getting everything paid for. Fucking hell. We're earning our own money. Can I find 100 bucks to do the whole trip in a wig? Well, I'm...

How are you flying? You're flying normally? Yeah, I'm flying normally. Yeah, well, there you go. Yeah, yeah, I know. This guy's going through hell and high water. Well, hopefully. What are you going to spend that 500 to save?

That's yours to keep. What are you going to blow that on? Well, first, you know, if they've got any of these jack-off boots, I'd like to check one out. Sorry, guys, I've been four days late. I got held up in a Jackoff boots in Shanghai. And the great thing is that when they, you know, I mean, if you get a bit too wild and loose,

you know, they've got photos of you. You don't look anything like you. Oh, yeah. Because, you know, you've got straight hair. Oh, he's going to be so fucked getting in getting through customs because how long is your hair in your passport photo is it like that is it sort of afro-y uh yeah yeah yeah yep yep um it's i think it's a bit shorter um but yeah definitely okay definitely uh and with the tux as well that's gonna throw them off it's gonna look great you're

not gonna get to lond London in time for our shows. There's no way. Yeah, if I rock up to China, like, they're laws. Every time you go through customs in a different country, because you're wearing the tux, all you have to say is, fucking bucks. Like, you've been sent on the worst snag deal ever. Yeah, yeah.

And just really stick to that. No, you've got to say, with the tux and the slip back hair, every time you show your passport, you've got to go, the nameag do ever. Yeah, yeah. And just really stick to that. No, you've got to say, with the tux and the slicked back hair, every time you show your passport, you've got to go, the name's Kappa. Nick Kappa. Oh, yeah, that's it. Ugliest James Bond ever. It's Shanghai.

Licensed to bomb. Licensed to bomb. Yeah, there's always a debate whether the new Bond should be female or black, or now is the new one. Should he be inbreeding? Finally,ation matters. It's funny you talk about getting photos because a guy asked me, like he came and did a rental inspection the other day.

Of your house? Yeah, of my house. And he came in and he said, Is this the owner or who's this? It works for the rental company or whatever. Young guy, rocks up. A real estate agent they call him. Yeah, real estate agent works for the rental company or whatever. Young guy. Rocks up. A real estate agent they call him. Yeah, real estate agent.

And he sees a comedy poster. Fucking hell. What a long way around to just get someone's job. I don't know. Some man showed up. Some man walked inside my house and says, I'm going to have a look around. Sure, mate.

Jehovah's Witness came in and started changing the fire alarm. As long as you give me 20 bucks, you can do whatever you want in my house. I'm listening. I'm listening. Ignore these pigs. He's just a man. You're a guy to my own heart, man. You don't need to know that shit, all right?

You just know that a man came up and inspected my house, all right? Yeah, yeah, exactly. That's all you've got to know. In my mind, sorry to pile on you, but you're not wearing trousers, just underwear. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Continue. And he said... Come in. I'm here to inspect. Yeah, yeah, yeah, enough of the talk. Yeah, exactly. Continue. And he said... Come in.

I'm here to inspect. Yeah, enough of the talk. Just come into my house. Get in here. And he saw a comedy post from me because I live with another comedian. And he said, oh, yeah, you're on your cap. I heard you're on a podcast. Oh, nice.

That's cool. Oh, he knew you from a podcast. Yeah, yeah. And he said... You're like, check the sink, cunt. Yeah. Are you dating him now. Yeah, yeah. And you're like, check the sink, cunt. Are you dating him now? Yeah, yeah.

And he goes, oh, can I get a photo? And I got a photo. And he goes, I said, listen, mate, you want to come to my festival show? I gave him a magnet. And he goes, oh, what, you're doing a comedy festival show? And I said, yeah, yeah. And I said, well, you can come along. I'll give you some cheap tickets because you're my rental guy or whatever because you're a man who's just

inside my house yeah right and he goes um not not free cheap cheap yeah cheap you fucking disgrace yeah well he's like i've let you live in my house and to be honest it, it was fucked. For listeners out there, you get a discount on Nick Haber's show if you turn up inside his house sometimes. So if you want to break in there, you get half price. Look, only for the first three shows. For preview not.

All you're doing is giving him a discount when he's doing you the favour of not reporting to the real estate company about the smell in that house. That is so unfair. And if you want to turn up to his comedy festival show with straight hair wearing a tuxedo, I will buy your ticket. Oh, nice.

For one night. For one night. For one night. First night is tux night. Yeah. First night's always tux. So I just offered this guy cheap tickets, a guy who's asked me for a photo, who's starstruck,

for asking me for a photo. And I offer him cheap tickets to Nick Cabot's show, and he goes this. This is honestly what he said. He goes, is there any shows where it's just not you for the hour? Wow. Amazing. Like a variety show or something.

So if he doesn't want to see you, he's not starstruck. He's unknownstruck. Yeah. That's what's happening. I don't know. Struck. Plebstruck. Yeah.

Yeah. So I was like, oh, jeez, the gall of this man. You know, wanting just variety. Not only wanting cheap tickets, but going, well, look, how can I get more for my buck? I want to see five comedians at least. You're offering free tickets, and he's gone, great. Is there anyone else offering those? He's given off for free tickets.

That's the thing. Oh, sorry. Yeah. Right. I think I would be totally with you, but you've just offered him a discount. Yeah, well, look. You can't say, hey, mate, come along to the show. Come on.

It's on me. I've given him free tickets before and the people don't respect it. They don't rock up. I want to show him at least I'm cool by going, hey, discount. One dollar off with the code JealousCraig. He actually grabbed me by the balls and said, I'm a real estate agent. I was like, oh, I thought you were a guy.

Now that you've clarified you've got an occupation, cool, grab away. But why don't you just play different characters throughout the set? Oh, yeah. That way he can kind of, he'll get more bang for his buck. Well, you start off with the t the set. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's good. That way he can kind of, he'll get more bang for his buck. Well, you start off with the tux with the slick back hair,

then you're turning to you later on. So you do Bond, you do you, you do ferry inspector. Yeah. And we need one more. I could do disturbed cow. Disturbed cow. Nice. Great.

All right. Great. That's enough, isn't it? Disturbed cow, yeah. Ripped man at walkabout who tries to fuck Carl. And they're like, this is a highly unbelievable character. No one would ever try to fuck a hobo man in a Liverpool hat. So if you can't give us any tips for England, for London, what about Serbia? Do you know anything about Serbia?

Never been, mate. Never been? Never been to Serbia. Oh, God. Well, maybe we can do a GoFundMe for you as well. Get you over there as well. What about Serbia? Do you know anything about Serbia? Never been, mate. Never been? Never been to Serbia, no. Oh, God. Well, maybe we can do a GoFundMe for you as well, get you over there as well. When is it? It's like the 30th of May or something like that.

Yeah. It's straight up. It's basically the Tuesday after Liverpool play Huddersfield. So I've got to come back and go straight there. Vegas? Yeah. Is this the Bucks night for your wedding? Yeah, yeah.

Really? Nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is this the Bucks night for your wedding? Yeah, yeah. Really? Nice. So your last unmarried time on London soil sort of is the Liverpool game?

Yeah. Nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So is that part of the Bucks as well at Anfield? No, no, no. That's just I'm very lucky that I've got a season ticket and my girlfriend has really got into football. Right. So my girlfriend really likes Virgil van Dijk.

Oh, really? She really likes Bobby Firmino. We all do. We all football. Right. So my girlfriend really likes Virgil van Dijk. Oh, really? She really likes Bobby Firmino. We all do. We all do. Yeah. And she's got a soft spot for Sadio Mane and, of course,

Mohamed Salah. Of course. It's weird. She's really got it. So is she coming to the game as well? No, because Pitch is having the ticket. But she would have been there.

She's been to lots of the games. She went to the Man United game with her mate. So she's been to loads of the games on her own and now kind of knows a lot about football. That's mad. Oh, wow. Having never been into it, suddenly went, this is she's been to loads of the games on her own and now kind of knows a lot about football that's mad

having never been into it suddenly went this is what's going to happen to you Tommy you're going to go there I'm going to get married to Carl but it's a bit like

I don't know it's like you know when you go like you watch cricket live or you watch Aussie rules even if you don't get it you kind of get the pageantry and the

excitement of it it's just the tangibility of it if we win the league that day and you walk out and go, yeah, I still don't get it, I'm going to fucking punch you. I'm going to take you to the walkabout, punch you up and fuck you. The only man to take a Nintendo Game Boy to the playoffs. That would be pretty sweet.

So are you not in sport at all? I like it when I'm around it, but I don't really follow it any of it anyway. What's your thing? Because we've done everyone else. What's your thing in London? What would I like recommendations for? Yeah, because I want to help you. I would like some good food tips.

Okay. Would be good. Right. I guess galleries would be good. Okay. Yeah. I can help you food. Okay.

So Brick Lane in Shoreditch is the best curries yep I've been there it's great yeah yeah it's awesome it's a really cool bit of London

so I go there yeah kind of wander around galleries go to the Tate okay the Tate Modern Tate's great yeah

it's kind of a bit shit but it's good it's a good like it's very thought provoking because you just kind of like you do the usual kind of what the fuck is this my other big hobby is being on TV shows that are hosted by popular comedians okay

do you have any do you know any advice or any tips or anything come to mind i'll tell you what i'm when i'm doing if i'm doing some gigs there you can come and do some support slots if you want oh sure yeah i think tommy was saying that as a joke but you've taken it way too seriously no but it's it's the thing of like it's kind of it's weird because I don't really know you're more than welcome

so I like whenever I do like you know I'm doing work in progress shows in a minute so I just have like mates on yeah yeah

do you know Steve Hall yeah yeah yes we do love Steve yeah so they they basically sort of just come and do all my gigs yeah great oh wow to pop along that'd be like hey Russell Yeah, yeah. Yes, we do. Love Steve. Yeah, so they basically sort of just come and do all my gigs.

Yeah, great. Oh, wow. To pop along. They'll be like, hey, look, Russell Howard's work in progress is great. And look, props to him. He got this dying boy to open for him. It was so good. It'll be good, though, eh?

But what was it like opening for Rob Bryden? I bet that was great. It was fun, eventually. Right. The first night was pretty tough. Were they just a bit confused? Like, oh, they thought it was all going to the first night was pretty tough were they just a bit confused or they thought it was all going to be British

yes no you know a bit of the thing of doing support where they didn't know there was going to be someone else on

right and also a significantly older audience yeah right than I am used to doing yeah

but it was fine the second night was really fun the first night was hard I remember doing that there's a female comic called Jenny Eclair from the UK.

She's probably about 60. She'll get really shitty. But I imagine she doesn't listen to this. Wow. Poor. Sorry. She actually is the highest tier on our Patreon subscriber. That's a very interesting thing.

What do you reckon your oldest listener is? Oh, we've got... Now, there's a couple of people that come to our live shows. Oldest lady and oldest man Oldest lady There's literally Now Thelma Yeah

Thelma The lady called Thelma Comes to a lot of podcasts Oh great And she's She's over 90 isn't she Really Yeah

And she's always like Right up the front as well And look I'm not I'm not dissing her at all I'm not sure she knows where she is But she's definitely front row In our shows She absolutely knows where she is

There's something like So my girlfriend Is a doctor and... Fuck, she's got it all. I thought you were going to say she's 90. She works in elderly care, right? And we, our Netflix, when I say our Netflix,

my Netflix account, because even though she's a doctor, she has to go out with a comedian so she can live right. Right. She, which is absurd, but i've literally been paid more to pretend to be a doctor in a sketch than she does for a whole year it's fucking ridiculous because she has actual skills but they've got that our netflix account right and there's and so all the little old ladies and little old fellas watch films so i can tell what they've been watching oh great so this this old lady i

forget her name she's she was 90 this is why i'm bringing up and she said to my girlfriend she went my girlfriend goes what are you gonna watch later she went oh somebody with lots of murders in um i think jaws or psycho i think i'll watch jaws today and then if i'm still alive tomorrow i'll watch Psycho. And it was this beautiful moment that you kind of go, even when you're older, whatever your thing is, you're still into it. So this, what's her name again? Do you technically call Jaws a murder? Like, do you see half a person hanging out in the ocean and go, someone murdered this.

That shark murdered that person. You're trying to claim that you're not a pervert for an account. It's more manslaughter, isn't it? It's quite literally manslaughter. It wasn't premeditated. I read somewhere this week as well that sharks like jazz music. Oh, really? They like jazz, but they can't figure out classical. The point I'm making is the name Ethel, did you say?

Thelma. Thelma, right. So Thelma likes funny, dirty young men. Right. She liked them when she was young. She really likes them now. Isn't that wonderful? Yeah.

You three, even though you're not willing to take this compliment, you're making a 90-year-old lady happy every single day of your life. You, you, and you. It's great. Fucking warriors. Because I thought I was... Don't fuck her. Don't play.

Let her be happy. My number is 04. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What were you going to say? Just come in and inspect my house, please. I did a gig on a cruise ship, and it didn't go good. And I thought, oh, yeah, younger generation. And then two nights later

it was like a horse racing crowd. Hang on, so it was an older crowd when it didn't go well? Is that what you're saying? No, it was a younger crowd. A younger crowd didn't do you? From the Gold Coast.

So they're not too smart up there. Right. But anyway, it was fine. And I'm so, as you can tell from so far, Russell, I'm very intelligent,

you know. But I... You probably spent the whole gig looking out the window at the inspector. The audience is like, why the fuck's he paying us no attention?

What's he thinking? What's his motivation? I could open a cafe right on this stage. So go on. But the next night, it was like, those people got off

and more people got on and they were all people going to the Melbourne Cup, which is a big horse race. A lot of them older. A lot of them around over 40, 50 or whatever. And the show was on at 10.30 at night. And I thought, this is going to tank.

If it tanked in front of the young people, it would tank in front of them. But these people were the greatest. Because they're the people that wanted it. They were the old people who wanted to stay up after 10.30. And they were like, we are up for anything. Give us what you got. And it was they were like, we are up for anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, give us what you got. And it was one of the best crowds I've ever had.

Having said that, Brett Blake has a great story that happened a while after that that went something like this. Brett Blake said, another comedian friend of ours said... What's he called? Brett Blake is his name. Oh, Brett's great. Yeah, he did a cruise ship gig recently

and one of the people came up to him and said, I hope you're not like the last person who came on. He was the worst comedian we've ever seen by far. And they said, what did he look like? And they said, big Afro, crazy hair, mustache. Was his name Nick Capper? That's the guy. I did write it down.

They said it wasn't the worst comedian I've ever seen. They said, yeah, he bombed real bad. They said, usually comedians just go back to their room or they don't talk about it. That's all this guy talked about, like how bad the bomb was. I went to the bar. Oh, well, you went on tour around the ship talking about how bad a comedy you are.

I was sitting at the bar and they're like, how'd it go? And I was like, I bombed, I fully tanked, it was fucked. And they're like, oh my God, you are the first comedian to ever say that. To admit it. Yeah, get in front of the story. Yeah, yeah. Respect it. Absolutely, because that's the thing. I would never do one of those gigs for fear. oh my god you are the first comedian to ever say that to admit it get in front of the story respect it absolutely

because that's the thing I would never do one of those gigs for fear that it went so bad that you then have to be trapped just at the buffet

the next morning do you know what I mean yeah oh god so kudos to you for going to the bar and just owning it well here's the next level

of the story right because on my personal Facebook I write every time I bomb I always write that I didn't bomb tonight and just owning it. Well, here's the next level of story, right? Because on my personal Facebook, I write, every time I bomb, I always write that I didn't bomb tonight. So every time I bomb, I'll go, man, still haven't bombed.

Been in the game for 11 years, right? Yeah. But all those guys, I became friends with those band members on that cruise ship. They were all playing music. So they said to Brett, who's Brett Blake. They said, man, this guy got on he bombed

so badly but then on facebook all he does is write about how good he is so they're all very confused they're all really confused because that's my little secret code to say hey i bombed tonight right yeah yeah and so they just thought I was flexing the whole time. And they go, no one knows what this guy's really like. He came on a cruise ship. He fucking ate it, right? Yeah. What kind of stuff do you do?

I imagine, I can't imagine. Take a punt. But I think kind of like sort of one-liners. No. Rambling stories about having 69ers with women. Well, not women. Tractor jokes. With veterans, soldiers on the battlefield.

He's a weirdo. He sounds like what he looks like. Weird. But you're funny. Yeah, he's funny. He's a fucking weirdo. Can you have that as a quote for his post? He's funny. He's funny, but he's a fucking weirdo. When I MC, that's generally how I introduce him.

What a great, lovely... I remember weirdly talking about Steve Hall in terms of what would be the best quote for anyone on a poster. His dad was having an operation for some cancer to do with his arse. I don't know exactly. And he basically found this kind of penis costume right that you put on your face so it was like literally like this horribly realistic

sort of dick on his face and he kind of went into the hospital wearing it correct so that his dad was the first thing his dad saw when he woke up and his dad loved it. His two brothers loved it. And he sent the picture to his mum. And his mum said, horrible and not funny. And I think that would be the best quote for the brilliant Steve Hall to have on a poster. Horrible and not funny. His mum. One more football question. Hit me, Sugar.

How long is this going to go? Listen, I'm having a lot of fun, but I've got to go to a Brexit retirement. Yeah, we've got to go. I've got to go to work. He's got his shit backing up. What?

What job do you do? I'm running for a TV show. What show? I won't say. I'll say. No, I won't say. Why? Because some people

will think less of me. World's wildest clan members. They're wearing white and they're on a dirt track. Australia's funniest race crimes. Whatever. Just the cross going up in flames and the sound of Fred Flintstone running on the spot. Can I go through your bag to try and figure out what it is?

Yes. Oh, wow. I don't bring what I'm about to write about and put it in my bag, though, to be completely honest. He's got a... He's got a jumper. He's got a cardigan there in case he gets cold. I freshly bought H&M jumper.

Yeah, it's about 28 degrees today. Water, so we know why you didn't accept my drink. Oh, you got to be looking at Voss water. What have we got in there? We've got... Fuck, I hope. A fucking brush. Yeah, what the hell have you got a brush for?

We've got a fucking brush. Oh, my hand's too long. Someone's heading down to the stables. Yeah, Sugar cubes. A measuring tape. Sharpie pen in case people want to autographs. Or in case middle class sniff. I cannot believe you're allowing this to happen, Kyle.

Oh, man. I'm trying to think of what I've got in here. A hairbrush. Blue tag. Oh, there it is. Why have you got blue tag? You're figuring it out. You've got to figure out the show from what you've found.

Because you've got a big white piece of paper and it's just ideas for the show. Do you know what I mean? Thought processes. Ah, you're wrong there, Russell. What it is is to go to the toilet cubicle, stick up photos of cows staring at you in case he's got to bust one out real quick. Oh, fuck.

It's actually a giveaway. A porno. Fuck. I've given it away. It's a magazine called Footy 19 and it says on the front

it goes gone all the way. Yeah. So I would imagine... I cannot believe I've genuinely left a clue in it. I was like,

as if this is going to happen. I've actually given it away. A footy magazine. So I think you write for a footy show, and that show's called Footy Heroes. Close enough.

Okay, nice. Let's do that. I don't work for a Bluetech-based TV show. That's pretty exciting, man. Yeah. So that's why you've got such a fat pocket. So you're getting all this podcast dough where you're literally saying,

oh, send us some money so we can send our mate on holiday. And you've got all this podcast dough where you're literally saying send us some money so we can send our mate on holiday and you've got all this fucking footy money calling in yeah the thing that surprised me

the most in that was the comb yeah well the blue tack didn't surprise you you thought this guy definitely would have blue tack in his bag

I often think with things like combs they're all there in the factory and they're thinking where are we going to end up? Yeah. Whose locks are we going to be

running through every day? That poor fucker didn't expect that, did he? Yeah, yeah. Sorry about that. This, and I'm not being facetious, this is enthralling.

Yeah, yeah. A TV show where you find a stranger outside the studio, you drag them in, it's called What's in Your Bag and What Do You Do? Mate. It's you in front of an audience

just going through something. Man, we had an hour game once. Let's not fuck about. That's a show. Yeah. That's so good. That is a podcast. What's in your bag and what do you do? It's you in front of an audience just going through something. We had an hour game one time. Let's not fuck about. That's a show. That's so good. That is a podcast. What's in your bag? Me and Tommy had an hour conversation, an hour game one night.

And we still talk about how good it was. With about six of us. Where we tried to guess what I'd bought from a shopping centre earlier that day. And I went for an hour. And the answer was Hillary Clinton's autobiography. Really? And you could only ask yes or no questions to try and work out what shop he'd gone into

and what sort of product it was. And then a new bunch of people came in and we played it again. Yeah, round two. It was fucking great. And being on the other side of it for round two and knowing the answer was so good. So satisfying. It's funny, Shemek, because for Christmas, my mum got me Michelle Obama's book

and a drone. The most baffling thing. I've never really expressed an interest in either, but now I can hover above and watch powerful women of colour. Find out where she lives from the book and then use the drone.

When your mum gives you a present and the eyes are all really expecting it. Yeah. But that, there you go, cracked it. Yeah. And you're like,

fucking hell. I had drinks with some people on the 27th of December this year and everyone there had a story about a young cousin being given a drone

for Christmas. Really? And that drone then ending up in a tree within an hour. It was the year for it last year. Yeah, mate.

You should send a drone video to your mum of you reading the book. I'm using both things at once. See, that's why I like you. Yeah, mate. You should send a drone video to your mum of you reading the book. I'm using both things at once. See, that's why I like you. Because you're a thoughtful... These guys are painting you off as, you know, let's be honest, a sexual maniac.

But that is a real window into how thoughtful a young man you are. How old are you? 35. Yeah. Okay. I thought you were younger. Yeah, I know. He definitely gives off a massively irresponsible vibe where he's not going to make

35 years of age. Yeah, I thought like 24. To be honest, I'm holding in there year by year. I'm like, oh, I've made it. But you've got lovely skin

for a 35-year-old man. Oh, thank you. Thank you. And you don't look unlike Carl. You don't look like you've got a beauty regime in your bag. He does not look like he's got a brush, that's for sure.

Unlike Carl, I'm fuelled by coffee, not by the rage of other people. So somehow that's aged Carl. Like the picture of Dorian Gray, every time a bad tweet or something comes up, Carl gets one more wrinkle. Every time an open mic are asked to get on in his room. What's the weirdest quote you've ever had about you? With more respect. Like a quote, like a reviewer's saying. My friend Sam was, who's my oldest mate from school, who you guys would fucking love.

Because the recent things he started doing, whenever we go out to like a pub in the UK, and he's kind of like he's mexican he's kind of got long hair he's got long creepy fingernails he dresses up like sort of crossed between david bowie and bilbo baggins he's fucking unusual and um this this girl said oh what do you do and my friend sam said that he was my shaman And then started clicking his fingers at her. And went, he can't go in Nando's,

it blocks his energy. So that's a window into him. Is this guy coming to the Bucks? Yeah, he is, yeah. Oh, him in Vegas.

Oh, he's great. That'll be great. Yeah, it'll be wonderful. I remember we went on a holiday to Egypt together. And he, I left him for like an hour. And I come back and he had a henna tattoo

that said, I love Russell. And I went down to the pool one morning, and he'd obviously seen me just walking down, and he was kind of floating in the pool like he was dead. Just his hair kind of everywhere. Anyway, he found a quote about me on a website that said, this to answer your question, he said, and it said, he question he said and it said he looks like

of me he looks like the kind of bloke that would be quite good at gay sex but he'd cry afterwards and that's probably the weirdest thing said about me and that's how you sold out the uh the o2 well this is it i want on the poster but there is part of me that you know I'm so competitive that I would have sex with a man just to prove to the world that I wouldn't cry yeah

keep the kids in right prove to the world you're live streaming it just so the pressure's really on I'm not crying but he's also he

and he doesn't have much money my friend Sam and he's got a little kid and I still don't sounds like a guy I can get into he's fucking great but I still don't know the name of his son his son's two and he still won't he just caught he calls him maro um and um but i don't know his actual name and he's he's married is he keeping

it from you or is he that just hasn't come up he won't tell me right he's like you don't need to know that's a great bit so that's just a maniac. That's good because I've recently had a kid and I'm not giving it the name on the show. Yeah, but that makes sense. But to your fucking friend. Yeah, yeah. But anyways, he doesn't have much money now. He has a kid.

He has, you know, literally he's not living for himself. But he's still, and this has been going on for six years, there is a bodybuilding magazine called flex right and every month so and i've fucking moved right in the last six years every month i get a copy of flex magazine delivered to the right honorable russell the muscle howard the and we had the kitchen done and I was away for six weeks and the fucking look you get from the builders

when there's two flex magazines and they're like, your magazines have arrived. We put them in the corner with the others because I've never opened them. I just put them in the corner and it looks like, but... Did you flex your balls

and break the police machine? never opened them i just put them in the corner and it looks like but did you flex your balls and break the policeman's hand like a rock busting muscle the love muscle that is without doubt the best question i've ever been asked did i flex my balls and break a policeman's hand like it's like you know those stories you hear about the way kangaroos fight yeah isn't that the thing when if you fight a kangaroo like why would you but don't they like suck their balls up yeah like i remember daniel kitson had a fucking amazing bit years and years ago where that you know when they're about to fight and his uncle tony had said he can get one of his balls up um when he's in the. And it was just this fucking brilliant routine about his Uncle Tony being in a fight

and going, fucking wave. Put it in the bubbles, I like to soak. I can't flex my nuts. Oh, man. Can you? Look, we're going to have to find out. Let me say, you won't be crying after gay sex. You'll be very like, oh, Jesus Christ.

But you have that show Naked Attraction over here? It's a show in the UK. I think we get the UK one. Yeah, so basically where they're in a booth and they're slowly revealed. So you'll see their kind of like genitals first and then you see the face last and then you eventually have a chat. But there's a lot of blokes that will be on there that will kind of like sort of manipulate

their nads oh really it's genuinely one of the most horrific things you'll ever see and the girls are like going oh yeah quite like his ball bag do you know what i mean so really yeah yeah and it's like but it's quite it's sort of shaving i like it's a little bit furry do you know what i mean so you get more of a feel for the man it's this is a genuine show and you are sat at home it doesn't matter how woke you are in this moment you're instantly like fucking kill them all

everyone needs to die ahhh you age like 40 years watching it with what the fuck's wrong with young people

these days they get puppetry the penis in and it's just revealing from the bottom the girl being like that's not a man that's the Eiffel Tower

I genuinely remember me and O'Doherty backstage at Late and Live and Puppetry the Penis had just performed and it was probably about 2004 and they were still in the capes, do you know what I mean cocks out Is this David O'Doherty?

Me and Dave, friend of the show and the two guys genuinely they were talking about the gig in exactly the same way we did and the two guys genuinely they were talking about the gig in exactly the same way we did and I loved it they were like

fucking hell what a bunch of fucking morons shit crowd and I just couldn't get my hamburger dick went right over their head

it was exactly that of like fuck me the only thing they went for was the fucking wristwatch Jesus and it was just that amazing moment where you go,

God, we all think we matter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And none of us do. But that's no different to us. Yeah, yeah. Sitting at the bar, sitting at the bar going, hamburger dick bomb tonight. Yeah.

But there's something really beautiful about the fact that we all think our nonsense matters. Yeah, yeah. So even somebody who's literally twisted his dick for money, judging others. I was going to say, I thought opening for Rob Brydon was hard, but imagine doing the support for Puppetry of the Penis. Just all these pissed up hens parties.

And then just me coming out, hey guys, I was walking my dog the other day. Did you do anything with his dick? I saw the best thing at Adelaide Fringe. I saw a bloke who had a comedy show where he made robots. Like, he made these robots. And he had this robot hand that replicated his other hand. So whatever he did with his hand, the robot hand did it.

And everyone's standing around going, whoa, this is amazing, incredible. And he's moving the hand about. And then he pulls a flyer out. And he said, would you like to come to my show, to this middle-aged woman? And she goes, nah. Like, he's built a robot hand that replicates every move. And he's like, you know what, I'd rather go see Nick Capper bomb.

He just talks about, you know, weird shit for an hour rather than building it. This guy's built a robot. Yeah, we want to see the guy talk about fucking the robot instead of the guy that actually built it. But there's a real window into that as well, isn't there? I've never been to Adelaide, but I would imagine, is it similar to Edinburgh where everyone is just flyering and flyering and flyering?

And you have those amazing moments of humanity when you kind of... I remember last time I went to Edinburgh, I'm walking along and this girl handed me a flyer that she'd written a play about. She had a flyer that she'd written a play about she had a brain tumor and she'd written a play about it and i think this has now gone on to become like a sitcom in the uk right and i was like taking that and go whoa and literally as all as her life story is very slowly funneling into me this bloke goes and handed me his. And the flyer simply said, wank bank masterclass.

And it was this moment where I hated myself, but I could feel my eyes go from the tumor like in a second to kind of go, let's have a little look over here. And my brother went to watch that show and said, and I quote, the guy's a genius. I've got to go. That was fucking brilliant. I love this. As much as I would want this to go on forever to make you even later for the weekly, it might have something to do with them

giving me the arse in that show. Giving you the what? Giving me the arse. What's the arse? The sack. Oh, the arse. Yeah. So to show you the arse means to be sacked? Yes. Now, what did you think I got given the arse What's the ass? The sack. Oh, the ass. Yeah. So to show you the ass means to be

sacked? Yes. Now, what did you think I got given the ass by the weekly man?

Well, exactly. I didn't know. Took me into the toilet to walk about. I'm torn to

make you later to piss that show off, to ruin that show. But whilst I'm doing that, I'm also getting closer to getting

the ass from this show I'm now working for that I'm running late for. The equestrian show that you're heading to. The Blu-Tack show that I'm now writing for. The Blu-Tack boys. Yeah, the Blu-Tack hour.

The Blu-Tack group. So what have you got for us today, Carl? Well, I've got a hairbrush and a Blu-Tack. How are we going to connect that to footy? Russ, thank you so much for making time for us. We really appreciate it. I've really loved doing this show. It's fucking great.

And if I can, I'll swing by your show, I believe at the Bill Murray. Yes. appreciate it. I've really loved doing this show. It's fucking great. And if I can, I'll swing by your show, I believe at the Bill Murray. Yes. Yes, that'd be great. Please, please. At the very least. What time is it?

We're doing three shows over two days, so it's April 4th, I mean, May 4th, May 5th. In the afternoon. I think I can come to those in the afternoon as well.

Yeah. Fuck, I'll swing by. Bank holiday weekend. Wine Bank Masterclass. I'll see you at Anfield beforeclass and I'll see you at Anfield before that I'll see you at Anfield genuinely

give us your number and we'll sort that out yeah awesome and I genuinely need to pay you $500 yeah I wasn't fucking around

no no it's so great this is incredible I mean let's not fuck around this has gone badly for me yeah yeah nice enough to give up your time

and now you're on the hook for hundreds of dollars and tickets to a gig. But I will take that money back and I will burn down your house if you don't straighten your hair. Well, it's not my house. You'll have to answer to the guy who's like, first he gives me cheap tickets to the show,

then he burns down my house. It'll be easy to burn it down from the inside. Apparently you can just let yourself. All right, guys. Thanks so much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mate. And they've done it again. That's fair.

No hesitation there. It's a fair assessment. Sometimes I like to muck around, sort of circle around it for a bit, but not this week. I'm compelled. So what's going to happen? Now we've got it on tape that Russell Howard, comedy superstar, wants to hang out with us in Liverpool. Yep.

Is that it? Is that it? We were just discussing that on the walk here. Will this actually happen or is this just because the microphones were on? It was Shobi's talk. Was that him wanting to sound? And the same with him chipping in money for Kappa. Has that happened yet? Look, I think that's more likely than everything else, Just showbiz talk. Was that him wanting to sound... And the same with him chipping in money for Kappa. Yeah, well...

Has that happened yet? Look, I think that's more likely than everything else. But we'll see. Plus him, you know, he might hang around. We might see him again after that as well. Hopefully. Yeah, so let's... Well, let's see.

Let's see. I wish we could pressure him on social media, but I know for a fact he has a... It's a guy. He's got a guy. But what we should say, the reason that he him on social media, but I know for a fact he has a guy doing it. But what we should say, the reason that he came on this show that we then didn't end up talking about at all was that he has a tour in, I think, 2035? Yes. When tickets are on sale.

Yeah, it's in the time of Battlestar Galactica, I believe. Yeah, so no, he does have a show. So check the websites. I don't know if Google goes forward that far, I believe. Yeah, so no, he does have a show. So check the websites. I don't know if Google goes forward that far, but yes. He is coming to Australia in 2020. Yeah, he's doing a tour of the country. You'll be able to head down to those shows on your flying skateboard. So that's pretty cool stuff.

Yeah, watch out for future Biff, who's going to put you in a futuristic toilet. Yep. But no, he is doing a show. His management would be very happy with us giving a good old plug to his show because he did not give a fuck at the time, obviously. Yeah, they'll be happy with that, especially after we gave them shit in the episode that they've just listened to. Yes.

So, yeah, go and see him. Look, let's look up the dates right now let's just make sure but we did talk about that last time with him he loves it he loves getting in

nice and early get the tickets on sale a year and a half out I actually you know I'm sort of glad we didn't bring up it again on the show

because I thought that was very funny at the time when we did it the last time he was on and he went along with it and whatever then I saw him

on the project when he was here a couple of weeks ago. And they said the same thing to him. And you saw him just sort of go, hmm. Yeah, he's off it. Yeah, we've heard this one. He's had enough of it. So, look, if you want to go in July 2020. What do you think you'll be doing then?

You know what? It's a good question. I don't know. I was going to say maybe, you know, that's only a month after the 2020 Coastal Moon International Podcast Festival, but we know that that's not a thing. What's the furthest out that you've bought tickets for something? Ooh, good question.

I don't know. Look, probably like six months or something like that. So it's 13th of July through to the 25th of July. Guys, if you want to go and see Russell Howard, you're in Brisbane, Sydney, Melbourne, Adelaide or Perth. Bold move, putting Adelaide tickets a year and a half early. But sure, that's optimism. That link will remain unclicked for about 18 months.

Yeah, look, you know what? I've got a feeling he's bigger than us. Maybe the people will buy those tickets. Interesting theory. So, yeah, go and see him. What a lovely man to give his time despite him. You know, he might be the most famous person maybe we've had on the show, maybe, or draws the biggest crowds at live shows, surely, maybe.

Yeah. I mean, him and Russell Peters. Mm-hmm. Yeah. But, yeah, look, Russell Howard was very lovely to us and actually requested our presence. Yeah, requested an audience with us. Yeah, so that was very nice of him to remember us like that.

Yeah. And hopefully we get to catch up with him at Anfield and celebrate a big championship victory as we were talking about on the show. Yeah, but, yeah, this was heaps of fun. As we've recorded this, we are still in the hunt. London is still not an absolute waste of time to go over there. We are, as we speak, this second, two points ahead.

Manchester City have a game in hand that, when this comes out, will be being played as we speak or so. So, at the moment, as we've recorded this, a day early, Liverpool are two points clear at the top of the English Premier League. Well, I've got my hopes and dreams as well. I've bought tickets to go see Hot Chip while we're in London. Wow. And they are about to bring out a new single.

Fingers crossed it's not terrible. Otherwise, the concert's going to be a waste of time for me. Yeah. Wow. Travel really broadens the mind, doesn't it? Great. Yeah. Anyway, get tickets to that.

I can't stress that enough Thank you to Russell for giving up his time To come and plug those dates That he then didn't end up plugging But good on him Yes, lovely Meanwhile, what else? We've got the Melbourne shows happening They're all sold out though

Yeah, nearly everything Don't forget to come if you've got a ticket Yeah, anything we need people to come to The solo shows, get in on that. Solo shows go to do that. What else? You know, Newcastle, is that sold out yet? Yeah, like 10 tickets away from it.

Right. Sydney, we've got a few left. Sydney, there's a bit of room, but it's a big room. But yeah, you just feel it very quickly. But it's ages away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get on. So, Mui, you know, like we've talked about in previous years,

be one of those latecomers. Come along. We've got good numbers. It's looking like a good, fun amount of people. It's going to be great. It's the last one. We might still have some news on this festival as well. For the people that have already bought a ticket, thank you.

You might be able to get another bonus thing added to your festival, which is going to be something perhaps quite special that we've got cooking up at the moment maybe. On the boil. We'll see. We'll see. We'll just confirm that. Yeah.

But if you're on the fence, this thing might sway you over, so we'll have some more news about that if it happens on the social medias or next week yep yep um what else patreon yeah patreon get get you know people people love their uh bonus thing last month tommy dasol you did a great job you you drop a huge rad dad themed comic book that went out last month um you never know what you're gonna get ruined my life yeah you did a lot of work you did a lot of work so uh people would have never know what you're going to get from this. Ruined my life. Yeah, you did a lot of work. So much fucking work.

You did a lot of work. So people would have enjoyed that. And, you know, great to have that go out into the, you know, hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of people that received it and get one or two people going, that was cool. Get, honestly, like, working on that, the one thing that was getting me through it was it was so, it was three, it was four days straight.

Like that was all I did day and night. Right. Just do all those drawings. It was 11 pages, well, 12 pages with a cover. The one thing that kept me going was, you know what,

this is exhausting and I have a lot of other stuff to do and worry about, but this will be worth it because I'll put it out there and then, or we'll put it out there and then there'll be a lot of nice comments

come back in from it. Yep. And that'll make it all worthwhile. Yep. I've got to say, maybe one of the lowest responses or we'll put it out there, and then there'll be a lot of nice comments come back in from it. And that'll make it all worthwhile. I've got to say, maybe one of the lowest responses to a magazine that we've ever gotten. Some guy, did you see this email that we got? Some guy goes, great work, guys. Tommy, loved the cover.

The cover. Just the cover. Nothing else about the other 11 pages that I slaved over. Fucking hell. That was good, Tommy. I thought I was pages that I slaved over. Fucking hell. It was good, Tommy. I thought I was very impressed. Good for you. Thank you.

I thought it was a good, A, a great effort to get through that workload, and B, great quality. Thank you. It was a good... I was happy with it. It looks great. I was jealous of the Patreon subscribers thinking, fuck, you know what?

A lot of people don't get looked after like this. We look after people. Usually, other people just take your money and go, thanks, that's what that's for. And we go, we give back more than what you're giving us. We slave. We also sent out a bonus episode the other day that was recorded at midnight for about two hours.

Yeah, that was very fun as for about two hours. Yeah. That was very fun as well. That was easy fun. We try and do different things. A good month. A good month of content for those guys. That was us going through the Comedy Festival guide

and just ragging on shows which, you know, now that you guys have heard that you're probably thinking, fuck, I wish I'd have heard that. Well,

get on. Get on board. Go and see our next creation for next month. Sweet. So, as you all know, you get that sort of stuff. But then if you join up at patreon.com slash littledumbdumbclub,

you also go into the barrel, into the electronic barrel, into the chance of having your little name plucked out and immortalized forever on this show. And, you know, what a great treat it's going to be for, you know, hypothetically, you know, dozens of people today. Yeah. Having your name read out on an episode with, you know, the world famous Russell Howard. Yeah.

There'll be potentially upwards of 40 people. Yeah. That now have their name attached to this superstar guest episode. Exactly. That's rarefied air, only 40 or 50 people. So, let's crack in and find out who those dozens of people potentially are. All right, let's hit... However many it ends up being.

Let's hit go on the unplanned title alternator. Let's see who is first cab out of the rank of which the motorized cabs are. Yep. First one out, you know, and of course that's what you do when the first cab is sitting there in the rank of which the motorized cabs are. Yep. First one out, you know, and of course that's what you do when the first cab is sitting there in the rank. Yep. And you read the name out of the cab when they come out of the rank. Right, so you look at it coming out of the rank and you go taxi.

Yeah. Or do you read out the license plate? Yeah, I just go G, C, G, 818. Thank you. Thank you for coming out of the rank first. Good improv. Yes. G, C, G, 818. Thank you. Thank you for coming out of the rank first. Good intro. Yes. GCG.

Yeah. He's done it again. That is a potential number plate. That is a potential number plate. Yeah. Anyone, if you've got that number plate, write in and let us know. Please. Because that counters reading out a name.

Totally. If we've just randomly read out a person's license plate. If you'd like us to read out your number plate instead, please. Instead of your name. Please. Actually, should we mention this right now? We have talked about this on the show where we said, you know, if you're not a Patreon subscriber, feel free to see us in the street and just give us money. It happened last night.

Yeah, right. It actually happened last night. We had a... A guy came up to you and gave you cash. Yes. And then I was drinking next door to where you were and that guy was then there and he pulled me aside to tell me that he'd done that yes given you money yes and he wanted me to make he was like you make sure that you get your cut

i am nothing if not trustworthy you're definitely getting it i mean look he gave us a bunch of money. Should we say? How much? We should say how much? $2? $2? I'll split it with you. Don't worry. $2. So wait, how much is my cut then of $2? Man, you can get half of it.

More than half. Get $1.50. But how much is that? $1.50 if you want. You're going to let me have a whole $1.50? Man, I'll tell you. Wow, you are so generous. Is there anything I can do to repay you?

What? Well, there is one thing. To repay that generosity? What is it? There is one thing. What is it, Carl? We'll talk about it after the show. What's a service I could provide that's worth $1.50?

I don't want to talk about you sucking my dick on the show, all right? Okay, right. So we'll talk about that sort of rude thing afterwards. Yeah, sure, sure. We'll save that for off-mic. This listener gave us $150 cash. Wow. Very weird. sort of rude thing after. Yeah, sure, sure. We'll save that for off-mic. This listener gave us $150 cash. Wow.

Very weird. Weird to get that much money because it was in front of people. It was in front of other comedians and then he said, here you go, I just want you to have this money and I was watching the other comedian just looking going,

what the fuck is going on here? So we've got a cool 75 each. Yeah. That's pretty cool. That is very cool. And I haven't even said his name yet. And, you know, for that much money, you know, I should read his name. You should say his name 150 times.

Yes. Also, you know, I'll give him a tiny bit of a rev up. This young man's name is Harry Hookie. Okay. He's a singer-songwriter. Oh, okay. He's been nominated for an Ari Award. Has he really?

Yeah. That's cool. Yeah. In 2014. Easy year. Yeah, yeah. Not much came out. There wasn't.

Well, can you name what was up for best blues and roots albums that year? Probably not. Can you? No, not blues and roots. Well year? Probably not, can you? No, not blues and roots. Well, let's find out. I'm looking it up right now. He was up against... Russell Morris. I don't know who that is.

You've never heard of Russell Morris? No. Who now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now. Oh, okay. Yeah, I know that song. Yeah. Up against him. He was up against the Audreys.

Okay. I know them. You do know them? Yep. Right. I. Up against him. He was up against the Audreys. Okay. I know them. You do know them? Yep. Right. I didn't know them. He was up against the Bamboos. Oh, yeah.

I know them. You know them? Wow. You're into a lot of blues and brutes. Yeah, dude. And he lost his album. Let's give a quick plug. Yep.

Misdiagnosed was the name of Harry Hookie's album. Mm-hmm. Lost to the John Butler Trio. I'll bet. Yeah. Yeah. Can he not... You're not allowed to win, are you?

If you're up against him. Like, he's got to win. I think he just wins it every year, doesn't he? Yeah. Actually, I'm looking around. It'd be him every year would just be... I imagine it's just him and Xavier Rudd going back and forth in victories. That's a good call, even though I'm looking back and there's no Xavier Rudd winning.

Really? I don't think he's won one. He's never won one. Who else would have won? Australian Blues and Roots. Oh, I'll tell you. Has Pete Murray ever won it? Dan Sultan.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay. Did the Cat Empire qualify in that category? Apparently not. Okay. John Butler of Trio has only won three times. Yeah, interesting. Cat Empire qualify in that category? Apparently not. Okay. John Butler of Trio has only won three times. Hmm. Hmm.

Yeah, interesting. Hey, but I'd like this to set a precedent. So if Paul Kelly wants to sponsor the show, if Paul Kelly wants to walk up to us on the street, if the Cat Empire wants to walk up on the street and just slip us a few pineapples straight in the glove. Absolutely. If you've ever lost an aria category you are more than welcome to give us money in the street if the black sorrows yes walking around

east melbourne as we as we're walking in to record this this another episode of talking dumb dumb yep i'm more than happy for joe camilleri to say here's a little bit here's a little bit of walking around what about um diesel would you take any money from Diesel? From Johnny Diesel? Yeah. I actually wouldn't. I think he should keep that himself. I think he needs it more than I do. What should we do with this? Do you want to just split it and do what we will with it ourselves separately? Or should we have a little podcast outing with it?

Why don't we go out for a nice dinner in London? All right. Yeah. I feel like because it's been given to us in one hit, it's almost like birthday money. You want to find something nice to do with it rather than just put it in the dumb, dumb Scrooge McDuck money pile that we have out the back. Just use it to pay your gas bill. Yeah, all right. Let's think of something nice.

Let's do something in London. We just talked about Liverpool. Let's do something in Liverpool. Okay. Let's have the Liverpool Fund. Yeah, okay. So that's do something in London. We just talked about Liverpool. Let's do something in Liverpool. Okay. Let's have the Liverpool Fund. Yeah, okay. So that's five pounds in English. Yeah.

Dollar sucks, dick. Yeah. Let's think of something nice in Liverpool. Liverpool pound. Okay. Yeah. That's like 75 quid or so over there. It's more.

It's probably 80 or 90 quid. Okay. Yeah. Sure. That's great. That's good money. Well, thank you. It's probably 80 or 90 quid. Okay. Yeah. Sure. That's great. That's good money. Well, thank you. Yep.

Thank you, Harry Hookie. Yep. That doesn't count as an official readout. No. No, no, no. That's for nothing. It doesn't count towards the 60 or whatever. Yeah.

Yeah. Exactly. All right. Number one. Let's get into it. First cab off the rank. First cab off the rank. Yeah.

So I talked about the cab coming off the rank. Yep. GCG. Oh, I did that bit. Great. Great. Well, I was just reading. Wait, that was a bit? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought talked about the cab coming off the rank. Yep, GCG. Oh, I did that bit. Great, great. Well, I was just reading. Wait, that was a bit? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I thought that was improv. That was an improv. Oh, that was scripted. I've been working on that. Oh, fuck, man. I've been working on that. I don't know what to believe now. Sorry.

Well, you had to think. That's not, that's too good to be off the top of the head. Oh, man. Yeah, I'm not that, I'm good. I thought you were like

Ross Noble. I'm not that good. All right, here we go. Number one, first cab off, yep, I did, yep I thought you were like Ross Noble. I'm not that good. All right. Here we go. Number one. First cab off. Yep. I did. Yep.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber Michael. Oh, God. Michael Gibbo. Gibbo. Gibbo. I've seen this guy. G-I-B-A-U-D. Yeah.

Gibbo. Gibbo. Now, that sounds like it looks fancy written down, but Gibbo. Gibbo. Because it's like Ben-O. Yeah. French for Gibbo. Gu-bo? Now, that sounds like it looks fancy written down, but gu-bo. Gu-bo. Because it's like Ben-o. Yeah, French for gu-bo. French gu-bo. That's the French bogan.

Gu-bo. Gu-board. Jib-o. Jib-o. Maybe it's jib-o. That's pretty cool. Michael Jabeau. Michael Jabeau.

Michael Jabeau. Michael Jabeau. Yeah, well, let's think of it as that. Michael Jabeau. Michael Jabeau. Michael Jabeau. Michael Jabeau. Yeah, well, let's think of it as that. Michael Jabeau. I'm going to Paris after we do stuff in London. To Gay Paris? To Gay Paris. You're going to...

What's French food? What am I going to be eating over there? That's all I care about when I travel. It's very rich. Very rich. There's a French restaurant in Melbourne that I've been to. Oh, yeah. And, yeah, look, they just say it's very rich.

A lot of cheese, a lot of... I'm okay with that. Like, a lot of cream. That's pretty much my diet as it stands. A lot of cheese, a lot of cream. I enjoyed it, but you... Yeah, it's... Steaks and shit?

Yeah, but like... Croque-Machur? Yeah. I'll just be eating them all day. Yes. Fried cheese sandwich with an egg on it. Minute steaks? Yeah, okay.

What do you think about minute? You don't like a minute? I like it. Yeah, I don't mind that. Yeah, I cheese sandwich with an egg on it. Minute steaks? Yeah, okay. What do you think about minute? You don't like a minute? I like it. Yeah, I don't mind that. Yeah, I really like it. I don't. I'm going to cook a little steak tonight after you head off. What do you think of that?

A little steak, fry up a little kale. Yeah, I don't mind that. Is it a minute steak or is it a... No, it's a little porterhouse. Yeah, well, I'm fine with that. Yeah. I do like a minute though. Really?

Yeah, yeah. I like a little thin. Okay. A thin little cut. Yeah, well, I'm fine with that. Yeah. I do like a minute, though. Really? Yeah, yeah. I like a little thin. Okay. A thin little cut. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I'm not saying it's necessarily better than, you know, going out and getting a nice fat porterhouse. It's easy to cook.

When you're cooking it at home. Yeah. Because I feel like I don't really know what I'm doing when I'm cooking a steak. Yeah. So, it's not like I'm getting the most out of it anyway. So, who cares? What do you like? I just get the minute version.

What do you like at a barbecue? Are you a good barbecue cooker? Yep. I bought a barbecue about a year ago and I've cooked a few and I was having a very good run at it. I was like, I don't know how to do this. I've never done it. And then it was like, bang. And I was making it and people were like, it's fucking great.

And I was like, really? Yeah. And then I did it again and i did it again really it was great really great interesting and then the last time i did it i did it and then went oh something's not right run out of gas half cooked everything what a fucking disaster great had to grab it all drag it inside put in a fry pan just an absolute fucking schmuzzle yeah the worst embarrassing i've had that happen before you're outside and starts raining or whatever I'd just drag it inside, put it in a fry pan, just an absolute fucking schmuzzle. Yeah, the worst. Embarrassing. I've had that happen before where you're outside and it starts raining or whatever and you've

got to move the cooking inside. And when I was cooking, I was cooking to two or three people and then I'd go, here we go. Other people are going to see this. Brought six, seven, eight people around, fucked it completely. Right. Absolutely fucked it. Brutal. No good.

I was about to buy a barbecue at the start of summer, and then my dad found one in hard rubbish. He was like, I'll do it up for you. Oh, have you got it here? Yeah, that's right. Is that the one at the back? But then I literally haven't. Like, good thing I didn't end up buying one. Because I was like, no, I'm going to buy one.

He's like, just take this because, like, I don't want something that you found in the rubbish. And he's like, no, I looked at it, and there's a part in it that's broken that I can tell that the people who had it just didn't know how to fix. So I've just gone and bought a replacement part for it and you can have it. So, it's fine. And he like cleaned it up and everything.

Right. But then I literally didn't end up using it all summer. And I'm like, yep, good call. Thank God I didn't end up buying one because I would have just wasted my money. What's your favorite vegetable? In terms of what? Vegetable. Of anything?

Yeah. Hmm. You can't say potato, can i can and i will okay absolutely what i've got up my sleeve yeah why can't you because i don't know it's too obvious or too easy or what too easy it almost feels like it shouldn't be a vegetable right because it's like because it's too it's not good for you. Right. It's been turned into too many bad things. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right. Vegetable, I think it's like, well, it has to be healthy. Right. I like pumpkin. Pumpkin's pretty good. Yeah. No, I mean, my immediate is potato. Yeah, I mean, well, it'd have to be potato, but yeah, like it almost feels like it shouldn't

count, but it would be potato. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I love my favorite potato. So I love... My favorite potato. I love my favorite potato. So I love... My favorite potato. Yeah, my favorite potato.

You talk about one potato that you had once. This is my new section of the show. Yeah, my favorite potato. Potato of the week. Yeah. Oh, I've got... After this, I've got an update for the enemies list. Oh, great.

Yeah. Okay, let's finish my favorite potato and then we'll go into the next segment. Yeah. Barbecue. Slicing them up thin. Oh, yeah. Chucking them on there like that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just getting a bit of black on them. My favorite potato of all time. It's little minstrel potatoes. Yeah, yeah. I mean, in... Yeah, my potatoes have black face. When you're listening in later weeks when I have other installments of my favourite potato, just know that they're not really my favourite potato because I've talked about it here.

Yeah. Right. It's just for the pretext of having to fill the gap in the segment again this week. Right. But this is my actual favourite potato. Sliced potato. Oh. Yeah, that is good.

I should get the rest. Right. But this is my actual favourite potato. Sliced potato. Oh. Yeah, that is good. I should get the rest. My mum does a really good dish where it's like, yeah, thinly sliced potato and then a bit of a kind of baked in a little creamy sort of sauce. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Does that have a name? Yes.

Scallop potato. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was cream. Oh, nice and soft. Very, yeah, yeah. Bit of cheese on there. Very rich. Very French. But very, very nice. Very French. My mum, an, yeah. Yeah, it was great. Oh, nice and soft. Very, yeah, yeah. Bit of cheese on there. Very rich. Very French.

But very, very nice. Very French. My mum, an excellent cook. Is she? Yeah, really great cook. I grew up, I reckon I grew up my whole life thinking my mum is an amazing cook. And other people would tell me that as well. Now, not so sure.

Really? Yeah. She is a. Really? Yeah. She is a good cook. Yeah. But I think she would admit this in that she is limited to what she cooks. Right. So. I would, my mum, I went around there, not that recently, a little while ago for dinner

and mum was like, I've made butter chicken. And then we're in the middle of it and mum's like, how is it? And I'm like, it's great. It's not butter chicken though. What was it? Well, you know, it was like a generational thing, like an old person's version of what they think butter chicken is. Right.

So she had cooked some chicken in like, you know, she'd got it out of an old ass recipe book or something. It was just like simmered in some, but it didn't taste Indian in any way. She'd taken some chicken out of a sandwich because it had butter on the bread. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And went, there you go. Yeah. Butter on some roast chicken.

It was like, I think it would have been just like the base ingredients of a butter chicken, but without the spices and without all the stuff that really gives it the flavor. It was nice, but it was like, mom, you're kidding yourself if you think this is butter chicken. That's interesting. I think my mom has done that before as well and gone, oh, you know, I'll make what you like. I'll make you a bit of a… Penang. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And just put some tomato sauce on a steak and gone, there you go. I don't know if I said this on the show about my parents coming to Koh Samui and how my mum made duck sandwiches for the pop-up shop that we did. Yes. And my mum, when she was telling me they were coming to Samui, very earnestly going, I'm very sorry but I don't think I'll be able to cook forever on there. Yeah.

I thought that that was a thing that I was going to somehow spring on her when we're over there. Yeah. Mum, I found you a kitchen. Yeah. Funny. You're going to have to get back in the hotel room and cook up a smorgasbord for the hundreds of people that are here.

But I was like, of course I wouldn't ask you to do that. And then once I thought about it, I'm like, fuck, that actually would be good because she is a great cook. That would be so sick. Oh, what a waste though. We're over there. There's plenty of good food there. That would be funny if we did another restaurant thing

and just put her to work in a Thai kitchen. I have, for people that went to Koh Samui last year, all the hundreds of people that went, and we had our pop-up bar slash restaurant at Mumma Ninja's. Planet Westgate. Planet Westgate. Vale, Planet Westgate. Yeah. That has been built over, as I've recently heard.

It is now a couple of apartments or not apartments, I should just say accommodation. But yeah, that ain't there no more. Big city development strikes again. Yeah, I guess there's a plaque there somewhere. I assume so. Commemorating the six or so hours that Planet Westgate was alive. Yep. But yeah, Planet Westgate has gone the way of many that have climbed the Westgate itself.

Yeah, Westgate itself. Yep. Shame. Veil. Thanks, Michael. Thanks, Michael. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Liz Fraser. Liz Fraser?

Yeah. Any thoughts? Fraser. What do you think about Liz for a name? Don't mind it. Oh, yeah? Controversial. Why?

Do you not like it? Um, I don't mind it. Yeah, I don't mind it. It's okay. It's, what do you think of Liz versus Elizabeth? Um, well, Elizabeth is my mum's name. Oh, really? Yep.

I did not know that. Yeah. So... I just call her Mrs. A. So I'm into that. Yeah, it is interesting. I'm not at a stage in my life where I feel like I'm... I'm still not old enough to treat your parents as my equals.

I'm still very... They're not your equal. What are you talking about? Well, you know, I'm an adult. I can call people by their first name. Oh, I see what you're saying. But I don't call your parents by their first name. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I see what you're saying. Mr. and Mrs. Allsop. Yeah. Yeah. I remember growing up and, like, one of my cousins deciding he was just calling my dad by his first name from then on. And I was, like, still going, oh, no, I call your dad Uncle This. I'm still not at that stage.

Hopefully, maybe Samui will be the turning point for you with them. Well, I've had a couple of things recently like friends' weddings and like their parents who I've known for ages, for like years and years and years and years. And the parents being just in the midst of it on the dance floor at midnight getting just buck wild and going this is a real turning point right like this is like my friend's wedding recently the father of the bride just absolutely going off and then the recovery drinks the next day just really getting amongst it with the grooms like little brothers and stuff like just partying with these 21 year olds wow And he's a very like enthusiastic guy. Like he's great. Like he's, you know, a very cool guy.

But just going, yeah, it would feel weird to call him Mr. Whatever now. Like he's, you know, he's in the club. He's in the gang. I think that's it. Getting fucked up with a, like. I thought you were going to say he was like taking pills at like 3 a.m. in the morning, dancing and being so off his guts going, just call me Philip from now on.

And then waking up going, God, what have I done? I meant Mr. Stoneman. Well, what do you feel about Cody's dad? Because he comes to our shows and your gigs a lot. What do you call him? I call him Fajar. Oh, okay. Which is what Nick calls his parents, Majar and Fajar. So I call them both Majar and Fajah. Oh, okay. Which is what Nick calls his parents Majah and Fajah.

So I call them both Majah and Fajah. Right. Yeah. But I guess that's a nickname. That's not like... That shows that you don't feel like there's that elevation there. You know what I mean? You feel more comfortable around him.

But that's still, I think, deferential. Sure, okay. I think. Yeah. I still think it's got the same sort of a deal. I call him Big Dick Jeffy. Okay. Why do you call him Jeffy?

Good stuff. Right. Liz. Hi, Liz. Big Dick Liz. Yeah, Big Dick Liz. Liz versus Elizabeth. I don't...

Yeah, I don't know. I don't... Liz, for whatever reason, this is a shortening, it seems... It does seem... It seems strange to me. I don't know what it is about it.

What's stranger, Liz or Beth? Liz, I think. I like Beth. Really? And you know what? This is dumb. I've only just put it together that that's a shortening of Elizabeth. Right.

I thought Beth was its own name. Yeah, sure. I didn't realise that. I'm sure it is, but I'm sure that's where it started. Yeah. Beth, I, you know, classic. One of those things where you meet someone called Beth early on and you go, well, this is what I think about that name from now on. There was someone crazy who just wore ski goggles all the time in Mirabar.

Fuck yeah. His name is Beth. That's a sick look. That's crazy. I love that. You're a crazy person, Beth. Yeah. Yeah.

So, sorry. Hitting the slopes. Yeah. Big love that. You're a crazy person, Ben. Yeah. Yeah. So, sorry. Hitting the slopes. Yeah. Big cocaine fan. That's pretty great if you've decided you do that much powder that I'm going to start just dressing in ski wear. Yeah. I don't think...

I'm such a fan of cocaine. I don't think that was the reason. I don't think it was either, but I do... Yeah. This is a new thought. Yeah. Walking down the street without any shoes on was more another fashion choice this person had.

Right. So, yeah. No. I don't think it was a conscious decision. I think it was, hey, something is wrong with you. Thanks, Liz. Thanks, Liz. You know, that's the difference between you and Beth Fraser.

You know, Beth Fraser's too not trusted with money. Yep. To be spending on podcasts. Yeah. Although. More disposable income. Now that I say that out loud, maybe you shouldn't be trusted with money to be spending on podcasts. Yeah. Although – More disposable income. Now that I say that out loud, maybe you shouldn't be trusted with money if you're spending on podcasts as well. If that's what you're going to do.

Yeah. But thanks, Liz. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Sam Jalbert. Jalbert? What an odd, clunky name. Although, you know, let's give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he's French as well. So maybe it's Jalbert.

Or is it J-Apostrophe? No. J-A-L-B-E-R-T. Jalbert. Jalbert. Jalbert. Or Jalbert. This might be the dumbest last name I've ever heard in my life.

Jalbert. It's almost Jailbird Yeah Yeah But then again It's almost Jailbait Jailbait

That Now that would be a cool name I wish he Let's change his name to that Sam Jailbait Sam Jailbait So that All of a sudden

We've turned him into a That's one of the 16 year old girl Yeah Provocatively dressed That people are going I want to fuck that person So he's all of a sudden, we've turned him into a 16-year-old girl. Yeah. Provocatively dressed. That people are going, I want to fuck that person, but I'm thinking about being fucked in jail afterwards. Now that's gone from one of the dumbest names

to one of the most interesting names immediately. Sam Jailbait. Interesting is an odd way of putting it, but sure. That would be a name I would be interested in having. Sam Jailbait. Carl Jailbait. Again, hey, is this the weekly segment where we talk about... Is this it?

Is this Chando Baby Name Corner? Yes, yes, exactly. We need that jingle. Yes. We said that jingle. Yes. We said that last week and no jingle yet. You know what? Someone immediately made up HaveTheyDoneItAgain.com

Yes. We should talk about this on stage maybe. Right. Or maybe not. Maybe there's not that much in it. There's not that much in it. Someone made HaveTheyDoneItAgain.com

immediately after we asked about it. No one made Chandler Baby Name Corner. Yeah. Jingle. The jingle that we asked for. So please, get on that, guys. Someone made havetheydoneitagain and it redirects to a Bali tourism page. Not cool.

To be fair, though, that's on us. We just said someone make that site. I don't think we specified what we wanted on there. So make Chandler. No, we don't need a website for Chandler Baby Network. No. We need a jingle, and the jingle can't be about Bali. No.

The jingle has to be about coming up with a new name for a child for you. It has to be about that. Nothing insulting. The jingle has to be about that. Make it plain and simple. Try your hardest to not make it insulting. Stay in your lane. Just serve the show, not yourself.

Now, Jailbait Chandler. Jailbait Chandler. Fucking hell. Like, it being a daughter that's in your arms and the doctor being there, what should I write on the birth certificate? And you holding this newborn, looking up, going, jailbait Chandler. Yeah. I mean...

Especially after you've taken that photo that you talked about. Yes. But, look, that is horrible and terrible. Yes, I agree. But how weird is it if you had a boy and called it jailbait Chandler? Jailbait Chandler. That would be... That's, in a way, even weirder.

It is interesting how just the gender changes it from being horrific to kind of funny. Yeah. To kind of bizarre. Yeah. Yep. Well, thanks, Jalbert. Thanks, Sam Jalbert. Thanks, Sam Jalbert.

I would love to think, full credit to anyone, if you wonder about people's nicknames in the schoolyard and whatever, full credit to anyone that used to call you Jailbait. Yeah. If that's what you copped when you were growing up because that's the ideal time for it. Yeah. If you're, you know, in year seven, you're 12, 13 years old and someone starts calling you Jailbait, great.

Because you're being given that nickname by someone else who is Jailbait as well. It's a real shame that we're both, I think, too old for this show to be enjoyed by school children yes because we really are operating on exactly their level it's a real shame that any like 16 year old would just look at this and go yuck two old guys who cares that's so uncool but i think they'd find a lot that they like in here yes but you don't need to see you know you just need to find on the internet if you if you just like we used to get this a lot in the old days where people would go, oh, we found out what you look like and fuck, you don't look like what you sound like and you guys are fucked or whatever it is.

People can still find us like that. You don't have to look at what we look like. You don't have to give us that information. I wonder what the longest that anyone's gone without knowing what we look like is. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not sure. But, hey, if someone can, you know, maybe we should go to schools. Maybe instead of, you know, the giraffe, the sex-ed giraffe,

whatever the people bring around, maybe we can sort of bring our podcast around schools in a caravan. Funny you say that because we got an email the other day. Oh, really? Yeah, let me find it. I hope the email is about what we're talking about now because that's a weird segue otherwise. Is it from a giraffe?

Oh, yeah. Okay, here we go. From a giraffe? It was – what was it? We can't do it. It's when we're in London. It's like someone going, hey, yeah, big fan, love you to come talk at this school that I work at.

Right. Huge fan of the pod. This would be the date. And I go, oh, we can't do it. We're in London. And they write back, oh, how fun for you. But what was it? It was us.

Yeah, it was going to be us going into a school and giving a talk to students about podcasting. Pretty good stuff. Fuck, 50 grand just to do that. That's pretty cool giving a talk to students about podcasting. Pretty good stuff. Fuck, 50 grand just to do that. That's pretty cool. Where did you get that from? I just presumed. Yeah. Well, no, I'm surprised because you're bang on.

Oh, wow. Yeah, $50,000 each. Damn. Yeah. That's, for many people, a lot of money. Yeah, in many ways, it's a lot of money. I mean, not for us, obviously. Yeah, I'm happy to take a pay cut to educate the children yeah yeah yeah imagine if we said yes to that and then it's

just us getting up there teaching kids how to bully just asking for different surnames in the room and then going look at this idiot right that's why i love billy madison so much when it came out i was like the dream yeah yeah yeah yeah. That's right in my wheelhouse right there. Yeah. Imagine going back to school and just fucking some little kids up. Yeah. Glad you said up at the end there. Sam Jailbait. All right, we've got to move on. Next name.

Thanks, Sam. Next cab off the right. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Tim Murphy. Got Tim Murphy as a Patreon subscriber we have. Tim. Timmy. Never been a big fan of Tim as a name. I don't love it.

Bit boring and you know it feels like it's a bit similar to my own name. You know what I mean? It just feels like a low rent you know it feels like there is a bit of a rivalry between Tims and Toms. Oh, yeah. We're pretty close to each other.

I'm not just trying to suck up to you, but Toms have got Tim's beat. I agree. Thank you. There's a bit more Timber in the name of Tom than Tim. Tomba. Yeah, Tomba. Do you want to hear my... This is a boring name.

Do you want to hear my addition to the enemies list? Yes. Fuck this guy. Who cares? What are we going to do with Tim Murphy? Well, I don't mind Murphy as a name. Do you want to hear my addition to the enemies list? Yes. Fuck this guy. Who cares? What are we going to do with Tim Murphy? Well, I don't mind Murphy as a name. Murphy's fine. Yeah.

Yeah. Especially as the last name. I quite like it. You know, you think of Eddie Murphy in that leather jacket. Oh, brother. And his very cool progressive comedy. Sticking a banana up a tailpipe, and that is not a metaphor. It's an actual scene in Beverly Hills Cop.

Is it really? I've never seen it. Yeah. I've never seen it either, actually. Rooting a Spice Girl? Yes. Impregnating a Spice Girl. Yep.

Scary. Yep. Going bareback with a Spice Girl. Yeah. Bareback Spice. Yeah. Fuck. And look,

full credit to Eddie Murphy because she was scary spice. And, you know, in a lot of ways, people, you know, cannot get erect when being scared. Yeah. So for him to follow through and, you know, obviously do the business after that. It must be a weird sexual proclivity of his that he gets rock hard when he's, you know, when he's scared. When he watches, like, Scream or something, he just bars up immediately. You know, like I said, full credit to him. when he's scared, when he watches Scream or something. He just bars up immediately. Like I said, full credit to him.

The amount of times I've tried to jack off in a ghost train and failed. It's hard. It's really hard. Yeah, I mean, I've only succeeded a few times. Yeah. Luna Park has that thing where if you bust in the middle of the ghost train, you get the money for your ticket back. Oh, really?

Yeah. So they're just daring you to do it. And the number of times I've gone down there and gone, this is the day. Wow. This is the day that I emerge from that big mouth, victorious, and getting halfway through it, I'm rubbing, I'm trying to get blood into it, and I can't even get it up.

Wow. And then I have to go home feeling like an absolute failure. Right. Fuck. The mad mouse got no problem batting off on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The Gravitron nutting and then it flying back into my own face. You know what?

I got in early. I got in early. They changed things after me. Because when I was on the ghost train down there at Luna Park, there was the skeletons, there was Frankenstein, then there was topless Samantha Fox. And I was like, yes. And they go, fuck, we're going to have to rethink this.

We're going to have to rethink this. Right, right. Yeah. And they got rid of Frankenstein because that's what I jacked off over. Frankenstein or Frankenstein's monster? No, Dr. Frankenstein. Look at that sexy scientist. I can't believe he created life.

Wow, he's so good with his hands. He finished uni. Oh, my God. He's such an industrious guy. Fuck. Yeah. All right. Well, you know, we didn't need to go into the enemies list.

Tim Murphy delivered after all. Let's go into the enemies list. Now. Do we want to save it in case there's another boring name coming up? Okay. All right. Well, let's try. What have you

got? Alright, well, I've actually got to go to dinner, so let's do this, and if it's no good, if you don't find it interesting

at all. What number name will this be? I'm not sure. I don't usually count. Okay, we'll count now, just so I

know. What do we expect? There's not a counter on this, on the unplanned title alternator. How many, so

Tim Murphy, Jalbert, Jabot, There's not a counter on the unplanned title alternator. How many? So Tim Murphy. Yep. Jalbert. Yep. Jalbert. Jabot. Yep. And there was one in between there.

Liz Fraser. Liz Fraser. So we've done four. So it was ten. What? We've done four. Look at the number of fingers I'm holding up. I'm sorry.

Look at the number of fingers I'm holding up. Oh, my God. Guys, if you could see what Tommy actually did then. He didn't hold up four fingers, let me tell you. You'd blush. Yeah. You'd think, what do they teach in schools these days? That's what you'd think.

I was doing 10, but then the one was going in and out of the zero. All right. So that's... I'm confused again. 10. Yeah, 10 names. Right. This is the 10th or 11th. This will be the 11th. 11th, right. Yeah. 10. Yeah, 10 names. Right. This is the 10th or 11th.

This will be the 11th. 11th, right. Yeah. Okay. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. Right. Okay. This is, well, speaking of Michael Giboud and you going to France.

Yes. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. You might see him. Him there. Le Comedy. Yeah. That's interesting. L-E Comedy. Yes. Wow. Yeah. Is that Lee? Lee Comedy? Or Le Comedy. Yeah, that's interesting. L-E Comedy.

Yes. Wow. Yeah. Is that Lee? Lee Comedy? Or Le Comedy? I don't know how you pronounce it over there. So that's The Comedy.

I don't speak French. I'm not sure. Well, I did it in year seven and eight. Right. And a bit in nine as well. Okay. So from my memory, that's The Comedy. Well, I'll trust you.

I don't... That's The Comedy. Right. Well, I could look that up, but I'll trust you. Yeah, thank you. And you're obviously going to France soon, so you've boned up. I'm boning up, yeah. I've got Duolingo on the go.

Yeah, you've boned up like I was in the ghost train. Yep, yep. The comedy. Okay, right. Really? Yeah. Okay, that's interesting. That is interesting.

Okay. So, if this person was in, is it a boy's or a girl's name? The. Yeah. The Chandler. Oh, we're going back into it, are we? That's great. Calling your child The might be one of the best ones, I reckon.

That is truly remarkable. The. The Chandler. Or just Ah. The Chandler. Or just a Chandler. No, but then you'd get it confused. It'd be like, is that a Chandler? But that's funny because it's like a name that doubles as a description. Right.

Yeah. Anyway, sorry. Sorry to bore you with such a boring name. Yeah, I know. It is boring. I guess I'd better dip into the enemies list. Yeah, please. My real estate agent.

I'm off it. Yeah? Absolutely off it. Right. Get notified of a rent list. Yeah, please. My real estate agent, I'm off it. Yeah? Absolutely off it. Right. Get notified of a rent increase. Oh, yeah. That's good. That's nice.

Do you think they've done anything to earn that whatsoever? My inflation. You know how things work. Fuck. It is irritating when she informs me of that and then I go, cool, can I get that replacement remote for my garage that I asked you about in October? She goes, yeah, I'll check in on that. Oh, no worries.

Don't. No stress. Just get around to that when you can. Fuck me dead. Six months I've been waiting to get my hands on this fucking remote, including her checking in in January going, which garage door do you use to get in? Do you use this side entrance or this side entrance?

You run the property. Great. You have this information.? You run the property. Great. You have this information. Mate, squeaky wheel. That's how anything gets done in this world. Fuck. You've got to, you know, I know, look, I might be wrong here, but I reckon you'd be checking in every three months.

You need to check in every week. I know. Look, I'm aware of that, but it is just funny when just real estate agents just they're cool is that what you mean you think they're cool how many real estate agents do you think listen to this uh none hopefully yeah yeah i hope none they're not renowned for their sense of humor no not at all let us know if you're a real estate agent yeah and let us know exactly how much of a cunt you are yes if you're a cunt or not do you think are you self-aware because by being a real estate agent i've got bad news for you you are a cunt right are you one. If you're a cunt or not, do you think? Are you self-aware? Yeah. Because by being a real estate agent, I've got bad news for you.

You are a cunt. Right. Are you one of the good ones or one of the bad ones? Where do you think you are on the scale? Where do you rank on the scale of cunty real estate agents? Are you trying to,

you know, even the score a little bit? Yeah. And if so, what are you doing? Yeah. What makes, if you,

because, you know, I think it's very easy to come and go, I'm not one of the bad ones. Well, tell us how you're not a bad one. Yeah. What do you do?

What's so good about you? Yeah. Yeah. Your job competently? Yeah. Very keen. Look, it's not enough just to know the three, you know, location, location, location. It's not enough.

Yeah. You need to know other things. You need to be doing something good for the world. Yeah. What have you done? Yeah. Have you fucking ever gotten off your ass and gotten a replacement remote for someone yes and if so are you the real estate agent of tommy duslow yeah

because if not who cares we never talked about on the show which i thought i assumed you were going to bring up at some point about how i put you down as a reference when i applied for this place and they never called you, did they? No, that's why I didn't bring it up because, like, who cares? But it was funny because I asked you if you could do it and this was the exchange. You go, oh, my God. And I go, I'm not happy about having to do this. And I was just, I was like, how would this exchange go down?

I think you'd be good though Yeah I'd be good I'd be fine What would you have said? Pretend I'm the real estate agent Hi Hi it's Tommy here From Fuckface Real Estate

Just calling Because we've got you down Here as a reference For one Mr Comedy For an apartment That he's applied for A Mr Comedy?

Yeah That's a weird name Yeah Well he's your friend apparently Oh okay Do you? Yeah. That's a weird name. Yeah. Well, he's your friend, apparently. Oh, okay. Do you not know this person? Sorry, what's his first name again?

I just told you, Mr. Oh, is that a first name? Yeah, it's a first name. This guy's put you down as a trusted... He said you've been friends for 15 years. Sorry, I just know a lot of comedies, that's all. Right. I have a French friend in town that's all right there was a i thought you were gonna i have a french friend in town okay looking around at the moment and i just thought i presumed it was going to be him why are you telling why are you telling me this i'm calling to ask you about your

friend who you're down as a reference for do you think he'd be a suitable candidate for this apartment sorry now i've recalibrated miss oh Comedy. Yeah, Mr. Comedy. Sorry, I just... Your friend, Mr. Comedy. Right, right, right. Now I know. Not the French one. Okay. That's right.

No, he's great. I've worked with him for a long time. Not what I've heard. You know what? The best thing about him is that... What I've always thought about him, the best part of him as a person is I've always noticed how early he's paid his rent. That's the abiding memory I have of Mr. Comedy.

Right. So he's paid rent to you in the past. No, not even me. Just to other people and I've always noticed that. Right. I've always seen him pay rent on time early, if anything. Right. And thought, man, I'm glad to have him as a friend.

Right. Yeah. So he always... It's part of the thing that attracted me to him. I didn't even know him. I just saw him paying rent early one time. So Mr. Comedy's always paying rent early. I've got to get to know this guy.

Right. Yeah. And how much does he pay in rent? $69 a month. I've known him for a long time, obviously. That was a cheap place and it was a long time ago. He stayed there for a long time. Oh, we got through that one.

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