The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 445 - Live! Denise Scott, Nazeem Hussain & Nick Capper

Episode Date: April 17, 2019

Here we go with another huge month of live shows from Melbourne! This week, it's Karl's birthday so we get some telegrams from various Friends Of The Show, before welcoming DENISE SCOTT, NAZEEM HUSSAIN and NICK CAPPER! Denise tries to make sense of what's going on, Nazeem reads some sketches from an unlikely source, Tommy tries to sell a caravan, Capper's got some more tales from boarding school AND we're visited by a special guest who's been getting a LOT of air time lately...Don't forget, we have a heap of live shows coming up:MELBOURNE! We're doing another month of huge shows at the Comedy Festival. Saturday March 30, April 6, April 13 & April 20, 4:30pm.LONDON! Third and final show is now on sale! Saturday May 4, 3:15pm.KOH SAMUI! Come join us for a huge week of shows at an amazing resort. June 11 - 16. SYDNEY! Big live podcast and stand-up show. July 27, 7:30pm. For tickets, merchandise, links to our Patreon and heaps of other stuff, head to our website: littledumdumclub.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode recorded live in Melbourne with guests Denise, Scott, Nazeem Hussain and Nick Capper. First of all though, a couple of things that we need to let you know about. This episode is brought to you by our friend Tom Ballard and his show Enough, which is on now at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival until April the 21st at the Melbourne Town Hall. Fridays are at Max Watts. You can get tickets at comedy.com.au. Tom also has a little play in the comedy festival called Quandah and two shows remain on the last weekend

of the festival. Get out and check out a Tom Ballard show. Great friend of the show. Always puts on great work. One of the best at doing this pod. So yeah, you've heard him on here. He always comes in and is always very generous with his time whenever we ask him to do stuff with this so go go support the boy oh man he was he was part of

the what was voted number one episode of 2018 that's very true yeah very true great great stuff thanks timmy billiards timmy billiards comedy.com.au for information regarding that in terms of our stuff um yeah hey if you're listening to it hot off the presses, you've got a couple of solo shows left in Melbourne. I've got one left in Melbourne. Yeah, I think by the time this is out, it's four or five left for me. Sunday, April the 21st is the last one, 8.20 p.m. at the Coopers Inn. It's been going great.

I'm having a great time doing it. Thank you to all the listeners who've been out so far. The crowd's been sweet. Have you ever had a shit time doing one of the shows or not? Yeah, last Sunday. So get on to that. My show, I've got one. I'm doing a muck around show every Saturday straight after the pod.

Come along to that. It's priced at $12 and it is nearly worth that. So get along. Now, what we've got coming up in the future of course uh the end of this festival is the drunk cast legendary drunk cast so uh if you've got a ticket to uh if you've got a season ticket you get in automatically you have to pay five bucks to get in but that's it yep it's at 11 p.m priority seating yes the season pass 11 p.m on sunday april the 21st 11 p. Now, there's no work on the Monday.

It's Easter weekend. Yeah. So get along, little doggies. Oh, should it be Jesus Christ themed in some way? So then if you've got an individual ticket to one of the individual episodes, you will get let in next, and your entry fee is $10. If you have neither of those, go fuck yourself. Pretty fair. And if you're one of those, go fuck yourself. Pretty fair.

And if you're one of those people that bought a ticket at the door to one of the individual shows so you don't actually have a ticket, you cannot come in. That's just how it works because we have no evidence of you coming. How the fuck would we be able to prove that? In an ideal world, our bookkeeping would be up to scratch and we would be able to let you in. But you know what? You have to pay for that.

So get fucked why would we write someone's name down that pays cash on the door yeah no I know exactly I'm saying we could

but why would we no why would we so there's that god there'll be a few fucking messages in the inbox about that one and the answer is

suck my dick so then after that we go off the next possible time you can see this is in Belgrade of course so that's what's that April the 30th I think or something like that yeah I believe so So then after that we go off. The next possible time you can see us is in Belgrade, of course.

So that's, what's that, April the 30th, I think, or something like that? Yeah, I believe so. Tuesday night. So if you're anywhere in the Balkans, get along. Serbians, get out there. We want to see you. It's going to be us doing stand-up and then it's going to be something else at the end. Something pod-like. It's going to be, I think it's going to be The most performance art thing we've ever done

I'm so looking forward to walking off that stage Yeah Not that I think it's going to be shit I just don't know what to expect I think it'll be less like a comedy show And more like the sort of thing you'd see at Dark Mofo Right, alright, let's whip through this We don't want to keep too much

So London, after that We've sold out two shows There's a handful of tickets left for the third show, which is incidentally the first show on the Saturday. Saturday, May the 4th. That's it, 3.15. A couple of tickets left. A handful of tickets left. My solo show on May the 6th at 4pm. It is a public

holiday. Selling pretty well. Get out and check that out if that's the sort of thing that you're into. Then we have Koh Samui. There are still tickets available, so get along. There's still time to make that big life-changing call. Get along to that. Then Sydney on July the 27th at the Giant Dwarf. Big, big show with us doing our solo stand-up shows

and a huge live pod after that. Selling really well. Tickets won't be there for very long. And here's the last mention of Newcastle because it sold out, so we don't have to plug it anymore. That's on Sunday, July 28th. Remember to turn up because there's like, what, two, three months to go. Yep.

And we don't have to fucking talk about it anymore. And thanks to everyone who has bought a ticket to that and sold it out our first time in Newcastle. That's very exciting. Yeah. Heaps of stuff coming up. LittleDumbDumbClub.com is where you can find information about all that stuff, including a link to our Patreon where you can support the show.

We will be back at the end of the episode to do a read of some people who support us. As part of a segment called Talking Dunga. Yep. And until then, enjoy this new episode recorded live in Melbourne. Denise Scott, Nazeem Hussain, and Nick Capa. Hey Hey Mate Hey

Hey Mate Fucking someone has Absolutely done it again Hey mate Hey, mate. Hey, mate. Fucking someone has absolutely done it again. Hey, mate. There we go. We just spent five minutes going, man, we finally found the right tech. I told you.

I was like, shut up. You're jinxing it. Mark my words. We're going to get up there and one of the mics isn't going to be on. To be fair, I did request that. Alright, let's take that from the top. Hey, mates! Welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us.

My name is Tommy Dasolo. Standing next to me, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. Hey, dickheads! Happy birthday, birthday Carl Thank you Thanks for coming to my party Good content Don't we have to pay for it Do the sitcom version

Man fuck No We owe Paul McCartney so much money now Mute them Mute them! Mute them! Do to them what you did to that mic. Hooray! Hooray!

Thank you. Thank you. Why was he born such a cunt? I went to go get you a present before. I was trying to think what's something I could get you that's nearby that you would enjoy. And I thought, you know what? There's a Pie Face down the road.

You like Pie Face. I went down there. There's a sign out the front. Dear customers, sorry, our oven isn't working. So they're just standing. They're still open. They're just standing there with nothing to sell. There's just two people behind the counter.

The same number of staff that are on the bar to serve 200 people drinking here are at a Pie Face that doesn't have a working oven. Just going, I guess we could just chuck a bottle of water to each other and then give that to you. Pie Face is the fucking worst. They close at half past five. What about us that like dinner, you know, a pie for dinner? Yeah.

Fuck, they're the fucking worst. They close at 5.30 in the afternoon. Aren't they? Okay, interesting. Yeah. Anyway, let's sing happy birthday again. Happy birthday, Carl. What do you get?

The man who has everything. I'll tell you, a not pie. It is my birthday. I haven't got any presents, which is fine. I just did get a present from my friend Brett Blake, who turned up here just before. He's not on the show, don't worry.

And he bought me a bag of Subway cookies, which he then started eating. So I haven't officially gotten any present. It took, I think, three hours this morning for my wife to remember it was my birthday. So that was pretty sweet. She's probably had her hands pretty full, to be fair. Oh, yeah.

So you know what I did? And so you haven't bought me a pie because of the malfunction in the oven. Yep. So I bought myself a present So I bought myself a present. I bought myself a present. Interesting. And I got it in the mail yesterday, just in time for my birthday. Right.

I'd like to show it to you now. I bought myself a new T-shirt. Okay. This is something that is for sale on the internet. Okay. This is a real thing that I did not doctor up. This is a shirt you can buy on the internet. Okay.

Here we go. can buy on the internet. Okay. Here we go. For people at home, I have a t-shirt of the Westgate Bridge. Wow. What site did you get that on? It's on Redbubble. Oh, right. Yeah, it's actually modelled on the site by Joel Creasy's boyfriend.

Yes. Yes. Yeah. He's the big Redbubble model. But who is this for apart from me? Can you take the jacket off and give us the full... Oh yeah, that's right. Yeah, that's it. Hang on, is there anyone jumping off it on my back?

That's right. Turn around and show us a bit of Ballarat. Yeah. That's what we want to see. I'll show you a bit of Ballarat. Yeah. That's what we want to see. I'll show you a bit of Ring Road. The Western Hershey Highway. Because, yeah, you've had your jacket sort of undone for half the day and it's like it's the Westgate with a sunset and so just the top of it is like this very garish colour, which I was able to see poking out

of the jacket going, what is this fucking shirt that he's wearing? I know and we were sitting up upstairs under a heater and I'm going, fuck it's hot and you're looking at me like, why don't you take your jacket off? I'm like, no, no, no. Yeah, you were furious. You were like, can we get out of the heater? I'm like, it's a cold day. This is nice.

Ta-da! So what that set you back? What cut does the Westgate Bridge get from that T-shirt? I don't know if the Westgate gets royalties from Aperol like this, but that's 50 bucks. What did you say? Aperol? Aperol.

Aperol. Apparel. Apparel. Aperol's a drink you idiot I knew I shouldn't have chewed from the same biscuit that Blakey was chewing on Fuck Yeah that is a great Don't put the jacket back on

Why? I feel weird More weird than usual or Yeah Whoa He's done it again Fuck Fuck that mic just jumped off my t-shirt More weird than usual? Yeah Whoa He's done it again Fuck Fuck

That mic just jumped off My t-shirt Well yeah How would you say That ranks in the Grand Tally of Birthday presents

That you've gotten That I've gotten myself Yeah that you've gotten yourself Yeah it's up there It's pretty I'm pretty happy with it. People usually buy me shit, so this is pretty good. It's better than cookies, half-eaten cookies.

That's something. Yeah, so it turned up yesterday. Yes. Did you save it? Did you open it this morning? Were you a naughty little boy? Did you look in the box early? I had a peek.

I wanted to know what it was. Shaking it around? Yes. Hey, while we're speaking about the tech, I am... No, I just want to remember to say this before we go any further because last week we did a show in Canberra. And woo, one woo, nice. And I just hope that we don't get the same response we got last week

after we did a show last week because when we walked off, I don't know if you remember, but we had a tech, he was like in his 50 last week. Because when we walked off, I don't know if you remember, but we had a tech, he was like in his 50s or so. When we walked off, he just turned to us and goes, you two are cunts. No, I didn't hear that. Yes. Or at least I hope I didn't hear it.

Like, if I've heard that and then forgotten it, like it doesn't even register being in the memory bank, that says a fucking lot about my life. Ho-hum. Yep, just more grist for the mill. No, well, I mean, I think having made fun of Julio about seven times in the space of a three-minute recording so far, I reckon we're going to get that same treatment at the end of this week.

Or he's hitting delete right now. No, he's doing a great job. Hey, so thanks for everyone who has bought a ticket and come along to this show. We've sold out the entire run in advance, which is the first run. Yeah, thank you. Very exciting.

It's really good to look down at the booking sheet and see all the names on there, some familiar faces, some new faces, including one ticket buyer under the name Ben Alsop. Now, Tommy, I've got an update. You're about to say and they didn't even turn up. They just walked in. They just walked in. They just

walked in. So someone with the last name Alsop that you're not related to, you don't know anything about. Same spelling as well. Yeah, but the good thing is I think they might be related to you because the reason they're so late, they've been sitting on the rooftop by themselves going, when's the podcast start? Yeah, okay. What's going on? What's going on, Ben?

You went to the other side of the bar? While you were working behind the bar? You were sent upstairs and you went to upstairs. You went past the line of 200 people going, can't wait for this podcast. And you went, oh, that's a coincidence.

We're going upstairs to another podcast. So that's weird. So you just went past all the listeners to go upstairs and sit by yourself at the fireplace? Stop picking on my fucking family. Are you related at all? Fuck no. Fuck no. Go put your head in the fireplace, my fucking family. Are you related at all? Fuck no. Fuck no. Go put your head in the fireplace, you fucking idiot.

Go put your head in the oven. You won't do any damage to Pie Face, but yeah. Oh, well, cool. We should, yeah, we should check. What are your parents' names? Kathy and Peter. Kathy and Peter. Doesn't ring a bell.

We'll work this out. Tommy's mum and dad are actually here. You could go and reminisce over things that never happened. You could have a stranger reunion. I don't know. I don't know what the fuck. My parents are here. My dad has been trying to sell their caravan and having no luck with it.

He got me to put it up. Fuck, you sound like me. He got me to put it up on Gumtree for him, which, nightmare, because then it's just him messaging me going, hey, someone got in touch. The message was all in broken English, and they said that they'll come and pick it up, and then a week later they'll post me the cash in an envelope.

So I'm about to give out the address. Should I do that? I'm like, do not fucking do that. Do not fucking do that. So, look, I can't believe I'm putting this up, but I feel bad because they want to get rid of this caravan. They can't get rid of it. Is anyone here in the market to buy a caravan off my dad?

I think he wants $3,500. It's like a pop roof thing. And if this sweet is the deal... If there's one thing I know, it's a sweet meeting in the middle of the Venn diagram between podcast fans and caravan fans. Outdoorsy types. It's like when you swipe on someone on Tinder,

it's like they like Little Dumb Club and Jayco. Yeah, anyone interested? Anyone in the market? I'd love to get this. How many does it sleep? What? How many love to get this. Who doesn't sleep? What? How many doesn't sleep? How many do you got?

How many people do you want to put in a caravan? Yeah, good point. Four. What's fucking wrong with you? Where are you going with four people? Are they four adults? Carl's never heard of four people travelling anywhere together.

Isn't that too many for a caravan? That's a lot of people to fit in one little thing, isn't it? Well, I have a follow-up. I have a question for you now. What size are these people? Oh, we've lost the buyer over there. Yeah, okay. Alright, I'm playing hardball and it's not

working. Oh, it fits three. It's like a double bed and then a single one off to the side. Right. Have you travelled with your parents in the caravan? I haven't travelled with my parents in there, no. You haven't, right. I have used it though. You used it for what? Have you...

Have you done a cum while being toad? If we can meet back here at 11pm after my parents have gone to bed so I can be a bit more open. OK. after my parents have gone to bed so I can be a bit more open. Okay. But yeah, I've smashed in there. Fuck, I do not... I do not want to meet the girl who said yes to you saying,

do you want to come and fuck in my mum's caravan? Yep. It's a funny old life, isn't it? I'm at work right now. Should we do this before we get any guests out? Oh, yeah. Late breaking telegrams. So it is your birthday.

We did do a bit of a ring around to try and get some friends of the show who couldn't be here today to message in with their well-wishes. So we have a few of these telegrams to play for you now. First of all, we have friend of the show, Dave O'Neill. Hey, Poofs. It's Dave O'Neill here. Happy birthday, Carl Chandler. Wow. I can't believe you're 50.

And Tommy, I can't believe you're still 12. Anyway, I got you a present, wow. I can't believe you're 50. And Tommy, I can't believe you're still 12. Anyway, I got you a present, Carl. I'm the stripper. Yeah! I've got to get out of my shiver in the car. But again, Carl, happy 50th. You don't look a day over 51. Happy birthday and hello to all dorsals.

Next up, we have Dilruk Jai Singer. Hi, Carl. It's me have Dilruk Jai Singer. Hi, Carl. It's me, Dilruk Jai Singer. That's right, the Dilruk. The very talented Logie Award winning and as of late, extremely good looking Dilruk. Sorry I couldn't be there, but I found this on Google.

Suksan Wan Kert. That's happy birthday in Thai. But you already knew that It's interesting how it sounds like Suck sand wanker It makes sense given your love of sand And the suck And also because you know

You're no doubt one of the biggest wank Well you know But I still love you Hope you have a wonderful 50th birthday, my friend. Good time, one girl. We're two for two on you being 50. I wonder if they're all going to say that. Was there a meeting before this happened?

Next up, we've got someone who you put in a request to, Dave Hughes. If you know Hughes, you'll know this is Hughes. And you'll know that for your birthday, he hopes everything is Rick. Thank you to Hughesy for recording that underwater. Him and O'Neill shared the same phone, I think.

Where was Dilrick in a recording booth? I think he whipped down to Fox FM to share this one out. Next up, we've got Dave Anthony. Hey, it's Dave Anthony. How are you guys? Holding for applause. That's right. Want to say happy birthday to Tommy?

Tommy, congratulations on, you know, being alive. It's pretty great. I'm sure Nick's there having a beer. Dill's, like, not fat. You know, it's the same old shit. I don't know. I can't think of anybody else who'd be there that I would want to say anything to.

But I did want to announce, I'll see you guys in Koh Samui! Yeah, baby! Let's fucking do Thailand. into. But I did want to announce I'll see you guys in Koh Samui. Yeah, baby. Let's fucking do Thailand. Because I love it. Had a great time last time. Love it. So anyway, love you, Tommy. Happy birthday.

And I'll see you in Thailand. Just for everyone, he's not coming to Thailand. Next up we have one from Milan. Oh. Serbian billionaire Milan here. Best birthday

ever. Best birthday ever. Best birthday ever. Shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot. Thanks for calling in. Fuck. How did that happen? How did Milan get alcohol?

Yeah. Fucking hell. Thank you. Hey, do you want to buy a caravan? All right, thank you, Milan. It would be great if a listener bought my parents' caravan and then we'd do an ep of the pod in it just being towed down the freeway. That would be fucking great.

OK, next up we have... Look, Hughes felt bad about the quality of the last one, so he sent a second one in. So let's hear that one now. Oh, gee, happy birthday! Guess what? It's Hughes! Do I know Hughes? I am Hughes!

Happy birthday, Carl! Hope everything's Rick. Rick, what a great guy. Never forget that. Hope you have a great birthday, mate. This is a way better Hugh's than before. Hope you enjoy your day just as much as everyone else would enjoy

going to Dave Thornton's show under at Melbourne International Comedy Festival. It's on at Max Watts. Book it in. Comedy.com.au. Great website. Never forget that. Very good.

Jeez, I hope I'm getting paid for this shit He does a way better Husey than Hughes 100% Husey needs to lift his game Hughes needs to start doing a good Thornton Yeah he's being out Hughes And then we've got one last one here That you emailed to me

It just says it's from Mel Gibson. Hey, Carl, this voice message is a Mel Gibson reference, which you're probably not going to get because you're too stupid. But one time he sent a voice message like this to his ex-wife. So here it goes. Happy 50th birthday, you stupid, bogan fuckface. Why don't you hurry up and have a baby

so you can pass on your shitty genes before you die? Happy birthday, man. I reckon we probably would have been better off getting Dave Thornton to do a Mel Gibson. I never knew Mel Gibson was so autistic. Very weird. All right, let's get a guest out.

Let's go. All right, folks, please welcome back into the little dum-dum club, Nazeem Hussain! Thank you very much. Get the fuck off my stage! Hello, turn the mic on and I will. Turn the mic off my stage. Hello.

Turn the mic on and I will. Turn the mic on. Hello. Hello. There he is. There he is. How's it going? Where's the second half of your pants?

Huh? Uh... You're doing comedy on my stage. Huh? Well, this is not really comedy. It's a little... It's a little dum-dum club. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, right.

Okay. All right. I'll accept it. But you know what? It's your birthday. And Carl Chandler, I mean, what a guy. I mean, he's a something dumb dumb club you know yeah right okay alright I'll accept it but you know what it's your birthday and Carl Chandler I mean what a guy I mean he's a great

podcaster but also an emerging stand up comedian he's a he's a hot a hot new talent

I got his birthday present one day he couldn't have brought that when he walked on a second ago oh you got me a fire happy birthday Carl you got me something fire... Happy birthday, Kyle.

You got me something that was next to the door. No, I got it from behind the bar. That's a good thing to do in a room absolutely full of people, to get rid of the one thing that will save all of our lives if a fire starts up. We are responsible if there's a fire, so we'll just keep it on stage. All right, all right. There you go. Happy birthday, man.

How old are you? I am 43. Is that true? Well, what? Did you think it was less or more? Clearly more than that. Shut up. But it's hard to tell because you're young but bald.

Yeah. I was young. Combined, we equal one alright-looking person. No? No. Fuck! Really? Yeah, not even I bought that math.

No, come on, man. Combine, that's just like, just like two, that's just like a one... Two negatives equal a positive. Isn't that something? That's what you're multiplying. If you add them together,

you know, if you owe someone five bucks and then you take on another debt, then suddenly you owe them more money. You know what I mean? You owe us aesthetic. Thank you very much. Where are you been to be dressed like that? I went to the gym.

I don't go to the gym much at all, as you can tell by my skinny ankles. But I've got a gym membership I've got for free. Why did you get a gym membership for free? Because there's a lab friend of mine who's a friend and he said, do you want a free membership? And he said, I've just got to do a bit of comedy at the Good Life annual dinner. Really?

Are you doing free stand-up for a gym membership? Well, I haven't, yeah. I'm just going to think of an excuse on the night. Look, I don't really know. Yeah, I am, I guess. I guess I am, yeah. I think I am. Do you want to come? When's it going to be? I really don't know. I think't really know. Yeah, I am, I guess. I guess I am, yeah. I think I am. Do you want to come?

When's it going to be? I really don't know. I think sometime in July. If it's actually in a gym, I'll come. Yeah, okay. Because I would like to see you do this. I don't have any gym-based material. I've got nothing.

But you'll have been going for a bit by then, so you'll be able to cook up some stuff. Yeah, I mean, yeah, absolutely. I mean, this is great so far. Yeah. Thank you very much. You can bring the fire extinguisher in that way, well. What did you do in there today?

Because I know how petty you are. You hold on to shit. People don't bring you presents and stuff like that. I don't want to be on some damn list. Bad enough I didn't get invited to your freaking wedding. Yeah, all right. All right. I would invite you now.

I would invite you now. What, to your wedding? Yeah, I would. Will you have What to your wedding? Yeah I would We have another wedding For me Yeah renew the vows already It's been ages It's been two fucking years

You know what Maybe we should Just to right all the wrongs Yeah yeah yeah I'll get presents from the right people I'll mention my wife in the speech All of everything You would think you didn't mention her

You need to have a wedding For all the shit cunts That didn't get your presents Or that you weren't really Friends with back then And just have a wedding for all the shit cunts that didn't get your presents or that you weren't really friends with back then and just have a wedding just with the B-grade guests. It's a B-grade wedding.

Have a fight with your missus so that there's a reason to renew the vows. Right, like a sitcom. We're going to have a live wedding. A live wedding. And it's content. You know, you guys always search.

What was the previous wedding? No, but like record it. So you get some, you got Patreon subscribers. It could just be for them or something. I don't know. Sell tickets and merch.

I love the idea of having a non-live wedding. We all go in and we're in the chapel and then a screen comes down and we just watch a video of it having happened a few hours before. It sounds so... Girls' wedding brackets are... Staging it for Patreon. It sounds like I'm an open mic Kardashian. Oh, God.

Yeah, that's a great idea. Yeah? Renew the vows. If we did a mini version, just to make things right, I think we could do it. And let me ask you this. Is there anyone

that you invited to the initial one that wouldn't make the cut this time? Yes, every cunt that didn't buy me a present. No, but tell me. And I'll make the list. I'll make the list.

This wedding is for people that didn't get any presents. It was like their opportunity to redeem themselves. Oh, to make good. And if they're shit at that second wedding, they don't bring them a gift at that wedding, well then that's like a new level of shit friend, you know? Right, right, right.

Yeah, but why am I rewarding? You're not rewarding. Why am I giving someone a chance to not bring a present again and feed them again? It's like community service, you know? It's like if you fuck that up, you go to jail. No, but it should be, it's the same guest list, but the people who brought

a present last time, they get some kind of VIP treatment. So they're incentivised. Yeah, and then the people who didn't are like... What's the incentive at Carl's? What would they do? Hang out backstage with Carl fixing his tuxedo? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would throw the bouquet directly to them.

They get to know the baby's name. Have you announced the baby's name? No. I know the baby's name. I do too. Feels's name? No. I know the baby's name. I do too. Feels good, doesn't it? Suck in, everyone. And it's a shit name. Shut up!

Blanket is a lovely name. You're really pushing this blanket thing, aren't you? I love it. I was literally thinking the other day, and this is so bad, I was literally thinking, fuck, how can I get this blanket thing, aren't you? I love it. I was literally thinking the other day, and this is so bad, I was literally thinking, fuck, how can I get this blanket thing going? Oh, my God. As I was holding my child... Get it going.

Yeah. As I was holding my child near the rails of the house, I'm like, I could do the photo. I was going to say, you do have a nice little balcony. Yeah. Yeah, and it's not too high up, so if something does go wrong, the stakes are a lot lower then. If you drop a child from 10 foot, it's the same as 20 foot.

I don't know about that. I don't know about that. 10 feet is the same as 20 feet. The results will be the same. That's like a guy trying to just justify his small penis. Like, yeah, in many ways, one inch is the same as 10. It's just all measurement. Only you can make that many ways, one inch is the same as ten. Yeah. It's just all measurement. Only you can make that joke because you know you've got a massive dick.

Yes, exactly. Thank you. Speaking of, let's get our next guest on. Why, oh, why? Folks, please welcome back into the Little Dumb Dumb Club, Denise Scott! Yeah! Denise Scott! Is this seat or should I go central?

Yeah, wherever you like. Well, I'll go central. It's just Milan's built a shot all over this. Yeah, so let's save that for the other person that's coming in. Hey, if you could say, fuck that. It is a bit like... Yes, thank you. You make me drink a fucking thing. Who is that guy?

He's a local drug dealer. He's what created Fiona O'Loughlin. If you want to get on Australian Story, hang out with him. Denise, bringing your bag onto stage with you so it's not left alone with these people. Wise move. Very nice. It's very Nana-like, isn't it?

To bring your handbag on stage. Yeah. That's all. So far, going really well. No, great. I don't know why you haven't invited me here. Oh, you have, actually. I know.

This is the first live podcast I've done, I think. Yes. You're always too busy and successful to bother coming down here. No, no, actually. I know. This is the first live podcast I've done. Yes. You're always too busy and successful to bother coming down here. No, no, no. I'm lying. That's a good thing. When you ask me, I go, I wouldn't fucking want to do that. Sorry, guys. I'm really busy.

Is this for me? Not available. She had dance practice. Oh, yeah. Thanks for bringing that up. I mean, I saw the clips. Oh, you saw the clips. She didn't bother watching the show.

Good work, Nassim. Like, maybe make an effort. Maybe learn something from your illness. What was your favourite episode of I'm a Celebrity? Get me out of here, mate. 2017. Fellow reality TV star. That's nice.

Yeah, we share that in common. Did you enjoy being in the jungle? Eating ostrich anus. Yeah. No, it was the goat's testicles were very protein rich. It was good. No, it was all right. It was fun.

It was like school camp. Was it? Yeah, you got to dance. I had to frigging sleep next to Steve Price. Wow. I saw Lisa Curry naked. What did you do? You can't unsee that.

No, no, no. But surely that'd be good. Yeah, she's fit. What's her point? Hey, what's your point in the scene? My point was I had a gold medal view. That was a podium. I don't know.

It was great. I had a fantastic time. Hi, Lisa. Nah, she's... Oh, shit. Doesn't Lisa's husband get in touch with you? Huh? Carl!

Hang on a minute. Doesn't Lisa Curry's husband Who is Mark? Who's a fantastic guy. An Elvis impersonator. Why do I know so much about Lisa Curry's husband? I don't know. Because he's a fantastic entertainer.

We're comedians. We're all underplaying. we try to be cool, you know, whereas he's an old school entertainer. He puts on a costume, he dances like Elvis. My mum went and saw his show. She freaking loved it. Yeah, yeah. And then off the back of that friendship, he started sending me like ideas for sketches.

Lisa Curry's Elvis impersonating husband is writing comedy for you now is that what's happening? can you give us an idea of some of the sketches? it's some good shit I might not have saved these numbers I've got to scroll down

I can't search well it's interesting because he gave me a lift home just a couple of weeks ago. Really? So he didn't offer me any sketch ideas, just a lift, literally. He just turned out the car and went, want a lift? Like in Elvis voice. Where did you hang out with him?

Well, because Jet Kenny, Lisa's son, is on Dancing with the Stars. And Lisa comes every week to watch him which, you know, maybe don't but anyway no, that's just because I know my son hates me going to his gigs anyway, whatever

so Lisa Curry and Mark gave me a lift home from Dancing with the Stars he's got a six pack he sure has Nassim. Not that I compared you with him when I saw you and thought, well, keep going to the gym, buddy. To a few more corporates.

No, he is an extraordinary looking guy. He's phenomenal, yeah. Everybody's just lost interest. You three. No, no, no. You're talking about Jet Kitties, buddy, and I should shut up about it. I did watch you on Dance With The Stars

you did not I swear to god you did not did you not see today's Dance With The Stars alright no and it doesn't matter it's not important to me

they're supposed to lie it's not important to me it's important to me I know it is you're fantastic that was amazing you know you went from little dancing experience of being

amazing and anyway, look. I didn't. That was why I got eliminated. I went from shithouse dancer to slightly less shithouse dancer. Well, I could get two feet off the ground at once. Did you beat Olympia

Valance? No, I did not. I did not. I went before Olympia. Did you beat Olympia Valence? No, I did not. Oh, okay. I did not. I went before Olympia, yeah. Oh, shit. But I saw Olympia practicing quite a lot. So were you really shit? Were you shit? Look, I... Kids. Well, considering, you know, I went in there

crippled, crippled with arthritis and nobody gives a shit about that. They should have... That sad music and everything. I remember the sad music. Yeah, yeah, sympathy vote. Come on, you know, 63. What do you want to talk about? I'm enjoying hearing this recap.

I never watch the show. I'll be honest about it. I've made the effort to come here and you couldn't do a little bit of research by just watching... No, anyway, let's talk about something else. But is it my job to offer a topic? No, no, no.

It's your job, it's your fucking show. Jesus. All I've got's the dancing. You sit there going, what are we going to do about it? I've given you the gift of my experience. Now you give me something. I'm sorry. We do owe you some content. Sorry.

Well, look at your little notepad there. What's on it? No. You just had a go at me for not preparing. A little notepad with what? What's on your notepad? Alright, Carl, I can fix this. Are you interested in buying a caravan? Let me ask you that.

Are you interested in you and John taking the caravan around the country? I'm trying to think of the last time. We stayed in a caravan. This was when the kids were little. And Brian Nankervis, do you know who Brian is? From Rock Quiz?

He hid our son Geordie, who is like, what age is he now? I'm looking at you because you know it. He's 34 now. You're asking us how old your son is. He was about four at the time. We were staying in this caravan at a festival. We were performing, John and I.

And Brian Van Curvis hid our son in the carpet in the caravan. And I can't remember why. I can't remember the punchline. Are you asking us? It was a trick and he had to curl up and get in this cupboard in the caravan. Are you asking us how old he is because you haven't seen him since?

Have you opened the cupboard in York? I've found two sketches from Lisa Curry. Oh, great. Is that how riveting my caravan story was? You've spent that whole time on your phone looking for the sketch that's relevant to you. I thought you were doing some very talented padding.

That was great. No, no. I'm sorry. What's the sketch? Give us the sketch. Look, there's two sketches. Give us the worst one. There's two.

Lisa Curry's husband strikes again. Okay, here's the first one. What, what, what? Is that the name of the sketch? Oh, shit, delete that. That was me forwarding this to a friend. That was... Sorry.

I'm here. Sorry about that. This is called I'm Here. Naz, an Indian moving to Australia. Scene, airport luggage. Stranger. Oh, as if I can see. Hang on, I've got to get my glasses, but I've got arthritis. Oh, as if I can see. Hang on,

I've got to get my glasses but I've got arthritis. Have I mentioned that? I've got to get them off the stool. I can't see. Is Denise in this sketch? No,

look, you can be stranger and I'll be Naz, alright? The scene is the airport luggage so just imagine that. Again, we still can't get a gig

out of this podcast. I can't believe we're doing a sketch by Lisa Curry's Elvis husband. No, no, husband, husband. The Elvis impersonator. Oh, yeah. All right, so, stranger, are you here on holidays?

No, I'm actually moving here for good. You? I live here. Nice. I'm meeting my brother here. Scene two. This is at the airport waiting arrival. Naz is on phone. I'm here bro. Where

are you? You're bro. I'm bro now. I'm here as soon as you come out the doors. I'm already out the doors. Naz looks at airport sign. Welcome to Austria and screams. Holy shit I'm in Austria. Not Austria.

Australia you idiot And then he texts saying you can add another line saying bloody travel agent I was going to say that needed a kicker and that's the kicker This is good Pretty good Imagine that on television

That's one of the best sketches I've read from an Elvis impersonator You know it's a good sketch when it fits into a text message. That's the chosen method for this whole thing. When you say the punchline three times in a row, it really gets in. The travel agent one. Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty good.

The one you just read, yes. The second one, real quick. Scene one, Naz is in a restaurant ordering at a table. Can I have the $10 pizza special with a drink? Yes, sure. Cuts to Naz finishing his pizza and drinks. Walks over to pay his bill at counter. Counter guy.

You can be counter guy. Table number? You've got to tap the touch screen. Do I have to mime that? Well, anyway, whatever that is. You're tapping the table. I'm like, Naz, so there's me. Table 10, $10 pizza and drink. I'm holding a $10 note.

Wow, there's a lot of visuals to talk about. That wasn't in the sketch. Okay, sure. I'm counter guy, continues to tap screen. Sorry, it's a bit slow today. Hey, sorry, I have to call my manager. Hey, you! That's not in this game.

Naz has a surprised look on his face. Ten minutes later, manager finishes fixing system. There you go. And then the counter guy goes, That'll be ten dollars, please. And then I say, No shit, Sherlock. Pretty good.

Pretty good. That's good. Pretty good. That's good. I reckon it's because there's so many visuals that we didn't quite get. I'd say that Austria sketch was fucking great in comparison, actually. I reckon also Denise criminally underutilised in that second one.

No, she was counter guy, manager, tapping the screen. If you film it, she's Eddie Murphy style, just doing all the rolls. And there'd be three different wigs. And she'd be dancing real shit. With half the writers. Tapping the screen but her wrist hurts. I have to tap it with my elbow, with my hands.

And then it'll fade to black and say Voltaren. Let's get another guest out here. Let's get our third guest out here. Folks, please welcome back into the Little Dumb Dumb Club, Nick Capa. Oh shit, i forgot your present you've been side of stage for 40 minutes what the are you doing here you go mate happy birthday oh oh you've just given me my own stubby holders. Yeah, yeah, and a shirt. It says everything is Rick, like your podcast. And there's a bridge magnet with your cat on it. Crunchy.

So you've just been next to the merch stand there and you brought up whatever was on the table. What's been going on with you guys? With the new face of Voltaren. Yeah. Cap, are there any sketches you'd like to pitch for Nazeem's sketch show? I mean, you just giving him the gift was probably as good as... Yeah, yeah. That stretched me comedically.

And physically. I don't have any other sketches. What, is it for your show? No, look, anyone can text me a sketch, we're happy to broadcast it. Do you want to give the number out? These guys can be trusted. Hello, I'm a Sri Lankan man.

Are you a brown face at this point? I would never think anything like that. Are you making fun face at this point? I would never think anything like that. Are you making fun of my regional background? If anything, you're the racist, mate, alright? I've been in the city for at least six years, okay? Sure I called you Saddam that time, but it was a one-off thing. Well, you do have a regional background, Cameron,

which is why I wanted to ask you about what you thought about one of the latest things that's happened with us. We're now sponsored by a bull, a bull from WA called Juggernaut. Now, Tommy Daslow has offered to go to WA. My parents don't know about this yet, so if we could gloss over this topic, that'd be fantastic. Wait, so you're sponsored by a bull?

Yeah, we're sponsored by a bull called Juggernaut. And by sponsored by a bull, we mean the sperm that comes out of the bull and gets sold to market, we get the profits from. So you're not even sponsored by a bull, you're sponsored by bull sperm. Yes.

Yes. And now Tommy Dasso has offered, next time we go to WA, he is going to stimulate the bull himself and earn our money. What, is he going to be the visual stimuli for the bull while it jacks

itself up? No, no, we want the sperm to come out, not go back in. Wow. A bull going, that's the ugliest human I've ever seen. Look at the testicles go into its asshole. Why is this?

Is this for real? Yeah. Isn't this how Dancing with the Stars works? This is for real. This is something I'm going to do, yeah. You're not going to go and stimulate a bull. I is something I'm going to do, yeah. You're not going to go and stimulate a pool.

I am. I'm going to go do it. I want to show my appreciation. This is how we make a living. It's the least I could do. Man, I don't know why you're ashamed. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You jack off bulls to make a living. No, you don't.

You've never done that before. No, we get the money from... Like, we make a living from... you know, it's part of the... Selling the sperm. Yeah. Who came up with this idea? Me. Oh, Tommy's parents, you must be so proud.

Even Billy Allsop or whoever the fuck that guy was. So what do you do? Have you got any research into how you jack off a bull? Yeah, you get a, you basically get like a bull version of a fleshlight and you sort of use that. Oh, really? Oh, wow. Hang on a minute.

I don't know. Is this something you all understand? I know I'm 64, but Jesus, what's a fleshlight? I will say it's a very weird thing for you to walk into where we're just talking about this and you're like, what the fuck? And everyone else in the room like, yeah, he's going to go masturbate a bull. These guys are like, yeah, we've heard this

a few times now, actually. We're bored of this. You know the movie American Pie where he puts his penis into the pie? Oh, I watch it every day. Yeah. Because I love seeing men's tits going into pies and balls. Anyway, go on.

You replace the pie with like a flashlight that feels like a vagina. Yeah. Do we even need the pie in there for that to make sense? Yeah, you've seen American Pie. Stop showing off. Someone's been to Hoyt's. Well, I do have an agricultural background.

So yeah, so you would know if anyone, how this works. You've got an agricultural background. Have you had an experience jerking off bulls? Yeah, well, it was lonely in the country. You've got to jerk

wherever you can find one, really. How do you get the... So you don't touch the penis? You touch it to get it into the flesh, like? My understanding is

that I don't have any direct contact with it. But to get it hard, to get it erect, you've got to do something so then it goes... Oh, fuck, I hadn't thought of that.

Am I going to have to dress up like a sexy lady bull and just parade around the paddock for a bit? Any advice, Kappa? Have you got anything to do with bulls? What breed is it? Is it Santa Catruda, Charolais? Is it for meat or dairy? Oh.

You know, I'm not really that choosy. I don't have a type, to be honest. I mean, Wagyu, Wagyu cows, they're kind of skinny and kind of sickly looking. So, yeah, you'd probably get one of them going. Yep, okay. I like what it sees, yep. What about Angus?

Angus, yeah, well, yeah, Angus are a nice big, like a big beef kind of bull, yeah. You would have to probably, like Angus are black in colour, so you might have to get him blackface. Okay, fine. Which, look, I don might have to get in blackface. Which, look, I don't have a problem with. I don't have a problem with that,

just don't take brown, right? This hand protects me from Nazeem hearing me say anything racially controversial. The idea of me in a field on all fours pretending to be a bull and the farmer coming out and going,

and now you have to put on the blackface. I absolutely draw the line at that, sir. So you're basically catfishing a bull. Oh, yeah. Kind of, yeah. Now, did you have anything to do with that growing up? Did you have bulls or cows and stuff like that? I had a few cattle.

Mostly, I went to an agricultural school, so we had a little farm down at the bottom of the boarding school and we used to break into the farm at night and ride the cows. In what sense? Did you treat

the cow like a bit of an American pie, but with a flashlight? It was like a big pie, but made out of flesh. Had four legs. It was crazy. How did you know it was all boys? Yeah, but that's what you used to do. You'd ride a cow at night.

Yeah, so you'd have the little calves, and some guys like... Right as you'd have the little calves. Some guys like... Right as the mates from the boarding school. I couldn't tell whether that was someone saying yeah or moo. So when you ride a cow in a rodeo, you put this thing on it called like a... I think it's called a girth. And what it does, it makes the cow buck.

Right? It makes the cow buck. But if you don't have one, the cow doesn't buck. It just runs. So we just used to go down at midnight, jump on the back of the cow, and it just used to run. But you'd make sure if you fell off, you wouldn't fall off on the fence side

because it would just squeeze you in the fence and just run and just basically graze all your skin off. Right, and is that what happened to you? Why didn't you choose that option yet? I'm not following again. Like, was this fun? Yeah. Sometimes you do things for fun, sometimes you fill in time.

So this is like midnight on a Friday night or something? No, it was like a Tuesday night. Like you wake up hungover when you're 14 with a big wire mesh grate kind of thing going on in your face. You were hungover at 14 in this boarding school? And then you went to school, yeah. Right. Yeah. It's weird that I didn't do well.

So odd. Anyway, yeah, it was a good time. It used to meet a lot of characters. There was this bloke... I'll bet. I bet a lot of people have got that same segue about you. There was a bloke in my reading group, and he was from Gunnedah.

In your reading group? Yeah, you know, he said... Was this an agricultural special school? Mate, I'm pretty sure that's what you go to school to. Four, two... Okay, fine. Ah, you look dumb next to Kappa. I bet you didn't have cow riding at your school, did you, Mr Lawyer?

So what's a reading group? Well, you know, at nine o'clock you all get in a room together and then you read for 20 minutes. What? That just sounded really gross. I love the set-up of you all get in a room together. Fuck, fucking 20 minutes of this fucking reading. Yeah, yeah, that's what you used to do, you know.

What, you read out loud? My school wasn't the only school that did this. Is my school the only one that did this? No, we all learned. Yeah, yeah. That's what you used to do, you know. What, you read out loud? My school wasn't the only school that did... Is my school the only one that did this? No, we all learned to read, mate. But you read out loud or you read individually? To yourself. Yeah, yeah. You just sat in a room with boys...

Yeah. ...and read to yourself? Yeah. For 20 minutes and then that's all? Yeah, that's it. The teachers have given up out there. I think it kind of warmed you up, like, hey, I'm ready to go. Was that the end of the school day?

What do you do at 9.30? Oh, you just jerk off cows. What was maths? You just walk into a room, there's a pile of marbles, they're like, just count them, it'll take 20 minutes, then it's lunch. They're like, meat or dairy? And you're like, that one's meat, that one's dairy. They're like, just count them. It'll take 20 minutes. Then it's lunch. They're like, meat or dairy? And you're like, that one's meat, that one's dairy. They're like, good enough.

So you still... Oh, sorry. So you meet some characters. Sorry. Oh, yeah. Yeah. We met this bloke in my reading room. His name was Bill something.

I forget his last name. And he used to tease me all the time. He'd go, oh, Cappy, you fucking dickhead. And you look like a weirdo and all this kind of stuff. He wasn't wrong. I like this guy. I might make some merch. This bully sounds cool.

This podcast gives me PTSD sometimes. It's like a roll call, but I don't get to read it myself. Everyone just yells at me. But, yeah, and I had another friend from Gunnedah, a roll call but I don't get to read to myself everyone just yells at me but yeah and I had another friend from Gunnedah and he said mate if that guy's if this Bill guy's giving you stick you should call him turkey and I said oh yeah he does look

like a turkey so I used to go to him hey turkey how's it going and he used to get really fucking angry like fuck you Kappa do not call me turkey I was like I used to say all the wild turkey slogans, like, too good to keep cooped up. Hey, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble. And he used to get really angry, and one time he took a swing at me, and I was like, God,

he's pretty touchy about looking like a turkey. And then the headmaster called me into the office, and he said, hey, you're not allowed to call Bill a turkey again. And I'm like, why not, why not? And he goes, you know the history. And I was like... I do not know the history. And then I went to my mate, who told me about the turkey thing,

and I go, it's because he looks like a turkey, right? And he goes, no, no, no, his great-grandad was in the KKK, and he killed two of his family members and then danced around them with turkey necks on the ground. It's well known in Gunnedah. Regional Australia, mate. Yeah, yeah, it was... I still called him Turkey.

It's about as funny as a Mr Curry sketch. What were you reading in reading group in this town that had the KKK? I don't know. Monk Hans? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what I was reading. FHM or something. Too good to keep cooped up. And you still work on a farm now. So that's what you do.

I mean, weirdly, you still have a day job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I work on a children's farm. You're allowed near children with that mustache yeah yeah i'll show them how to milk a cow and stuff one time the cow oh milk account yeah yeah yeah not like a female cow you just tell the kids it's just like american pie you just one time the cow like broke free and all the... One time the cow, like, broke free and all the kids on the ground was going to trample them

and then I was like, I didn't know what to do, so I just put the cow into a headlock. Wow. You put a cow in a headlock? Yeah, yeah, and one of the... Like you were trying to kick it out of a milk bar? Yeah, yeah, like I was a bouncer or something like that. You're coming with me, you bloody...

You've had one too many, mate. Cow, yeah, yeah, yeah. And, yeah, like we had to file like an incident report and stuff. You and the cow. But my boss, I thought my boss was going to call me in. She called me in again. She's like, Nick, don't call one of the employees turkey again. No, no. But the boss called

me in and she's like, Nick, look, we just want to say your efforts were heroic. It's like heroic. The all-Australian hero. How old was the cow that you put into a headlock? Yeah, like five or six years old. It's a big one. Oh, right, right, yeah. How old was the cow that you put into a headlock? Oh, yeah, like five or six years old. It's a big one.

Oh, right, right, right. Okay, so it was heroic. Yeah, yeah. I just thought you were like bullying like a calf or something. Oh, no, like, yeah, I do that other times. Not in front of kids, though. Right, right, right. Nice.

Like I burn them and stuff, but I never do that. Well, speaking of all that we actually have a special guest that I just found out about that wants to pop in actually I don't

know if they're side of stage that they're ready to come on are they yes if we want to... Welcome to the stage, everyone. Juggernaut the Bull. Juggernaut, do you want to...

I can't see a thing. Welcome, Juggernaut. Thanks for coming all the way from WA. It's so good to be here I've been talking online with Tommy He looked like a real hunk If you could maybe put that

mic inside your mouth so we can hear what's going on Oh yeah It's actually very hot being a bull A little bit more than I bargained for It's almost like we being a bull. A little bit more than I bargained for. Thanks. Yes.

It's almost like we kept you waiting too long. Almost, yes. Yeah. Thanks for all the contributions. Thank you for all your sperm. Yeah, really appreciate it. That's all right. $5 a sperm.

Yeah, that's the other thing. We get $5 a month, which means your sperm isn't much chop, I would have thought. Well, you know, there's not a lot of demand, but, you know, I've got to... I'm getting old and I remember Nick back from the school days. There were some beautiful times that we had. Nick, it's nice to see you.

He used to ride you back at school. Oh, big time. Of course, I was a young boy just like Nick We were just two boys experimenting with each other getting to know one another's bodies Alright, give it up for Jaggernaut, everybody I'm getting incredibly jealous hearing this

It's okay I cannot wait until you really give it a go. Just pretend that I am an apple pie. Do you have any tips when Dassler's going to go over and travel over to see you in WA? I'd like him to dress up as a

nice lady bull, otherwise known as a cow. They didn't have any fucking bull costumes specifically, alright? I don't know what you're talking about. I'm definitely a bull in this game. So you haven't come here today with the intent of me jacking you off now. Well, I had hoped. This is just foreplay, right?

Yeah, I'd hoped. I'd open it up for Nazeem, I am halal. Well, not yet. Not yet. It happens after we slit your throat sideways. You know, I'm into some sick shit. Don't yuck my young, please. Don't yuck my young please Can you describe the last

contribution that we got from you How was the process for that? I lit some nice candles I imagined because I hadn't seen you so I just imagined a beautiful Italian man It's interracial but I love an Italian stallion because I hadn't seen you so I just imagined a beautiful Italian man. Yep.

It's interracial but I love an Italian stallion. I don't care what people think. I'm very progressive. Now as everyone in the room will be able to tell, I did not know that this was happening today and so I have to ask what tell, did you come here to do? Was the idea that your presence would be enough?

I'd hoped to get a little bit of a preview to the main event. Right, well, you don't... I mean, you sort of seem to be a bit like a kind of Ken doll kind of bull. There's not... There doesn't seem to be much... I will not be body shamed by this. Very, very fair. So, I guess, does Tommy need to do any preparation?

Is there anything he needs to think about? How... What you're aroused by? What you... Maybe some blackface. Right. Oh, damn. Just some blackface. Right. Oh, Dan.

Maybe just dress up nice. Okay. What should he wear, like a tux or something? Maybe like a cow suit. Okay. Oh, yeah, nice. Yeah. Just something nice, you know, for once in your life.

What about role play, like he's got to come clean the trough? Oh, that's good. Yeah, there's got to be some sort of backstory. Yeah, like he's a make-a-wish kid. Right. If he's like... Imagine. They sent him to the farm. Imagine.

Just like they sent his pets. And he comes and he cleans the trough. And I'm like, hello. Who's this little boy? And we start, you know... It's okay, because I'm only five what's your name George

what am I oh that's too far fuck off get fucked I'm a cow don't try and put your human rules on me I really hope the end of this is like you getting confused and you fucking Tommy instead of anything else

Yes, that would be great He does look more like a bottom to me What do you prefer? Overhand, underhand? What should I do? Give me some tips I like a little reach around That's a fair way for me to reach, I think

If I'm behind Juggernaut Where does he stand? Does he stand to the side? Denise, any thoughts? I've got so many thoughts at the moment. Just wondering how I get out. Me too. I have to watch a bull get jerked off by

Tommy in front of his parents. Just like every other Dumb Dumb Club live podcast, I suppose. It always ends with Tommy jerking someone off. No? Don't put your human rules on me. Sorry for trying to

yuck your yum. You guys are really judgmental. I'm disappointed. This makes me regret that time before the podcast, sometimes when we say, we'll work out the end to the sketch later. Yeah, yeah. But you've only got yourself to blame for that one.

Hang on, is this a sketch? No. It was written by Lisa Curry's husband, yeah. Now I do an Elvis dance. Okay, I'm going to go. Okay, thank you, Juggernaut. Bye, Juggernaut. I'll see you in a couple of months.

Yeah, there you go. Ah, yes. Definitely worth the 80 bucks. Well, happy birthday, Carl. So that's not the cash cow Well it sort of is As far as work is concerned Five dollars but still it's something Oh man I love it how

Good morning Australia Whatever show it is Sunrise They've got the cash cow and you guys have got the jizz cow. Billy Slater, he has horses and he has to jerk. He doesn't jerk it off, but he sells a horse cum. He does that as well. So it's a prestigious...

It's prestigious, you say. Billy Slater, he's a respected person in Australia. No, hey, I'm looking forward to it. You know, it's great to be still learning new skills at the age of 32. You know? Oh, well, I guess this is the end. Aren't you going, aren't you following them around the world or something soon?

No, I'm not on this journey. No way. I would never do something so terrible. He's coming to Europe. He's not coming to WA to see Tommy Jerkable. But yeah, it's going to be good. What's going to be good? He's coming to Europe. He's not coming to WA to see Tommy Jerkable. It's going to be good. He's going to follow them to London via China,

Russia, Afghanistan. I'm going the worst way possible. We crowdfunded for Nick Capper to come with us to London under the caveat that he has to go. It's taking him like four days to get from here to London. Four days? Isn't it taking like six days or something stupid? So when do you head off?

Like the 26th and I get there on like the 4th. So I've got to like fly to Beijing, then get a train from Beijing to Shanghai, then a plane to Belgrade, and then a plane to Poland, then then no, a plane to Poland then Belgrade, then back to Poland, then a train from Poland to France, then a boat

from France to England and then a train from England to London. Yeah, yeah. A train from England to London and this school you went to. What did you read?

We just read stuff, alright? You didn't read train timetables from 9 till 9.20, that's for sure. So you got from China to Shanghai, and then... Yeah, from... From Serbia to Belgrade. Yeah, so I'm going to do that.

And after this, you're going to Melbourne. Yeah. And then a tuxedo. All in a tuxedo. You should do the gigs in China. You know, there's a guy, an Australian guy who runs some rooms there. Yeah, he offered me a spot.

Well, don't do one. Don't do them. Don't do one of them because there's one in Chengdu, which I think you've gone through. Chengdu? Chengdu. Basically, he booked me for this gig

and I went. It was about 100 people. And then just before I went on, someone said,, oh hey, have a great time. By the way they don't speak English and so you're going to have to speak very, very slow. They're coming here to learn English. Have a good gig. Kept booked on that one. Man, you know me. I reckon you'd be perfect there. Shine. Yeah, we should do this over there. We'd be killing.

A Chinese person says to a person who can speak English, what's this guy speaking? And the guy's like, I don't know. Yeah, my dad said he'd put in an extra 50 bucks if I wore a large earring as well. So now I've got to go get my ear pierced. And my girlfriend overheard me saying this a large earring as well. So now I've got to go get my ear pierced. My girlfriend overheard me saying this and then she turned

to me and said, this podcast is ruining my life. And yeah, so you know. So this is the thing, that it's funny to us to send you that way, but because we put it up on Possible, we raised the money, we crowdfunded it,

but now you going that way is costing more money than what we've gotten from Possible. We're now in the red because of this. We're in the red. Don't jerk off another bull. Or any animals. Bring them in. We'll jerk off another bull. Or any animals. Bring them in. We'll jerk off chickens.

We're $1,000 in the hole. Yes, yes. We're losing money on this trip because of you. How much money do you get per come? Per shot? He gives us $5 a month. Huh? That bull.

Five bucks? Five bucks a month. You jack off one bull and you get five bucks? Yeah, I guess. You've got to negotiate a better deal, man. That's it. I need a manager. You jack off one bull and you get five bucks. Yeah, I guess. You've got to negotiate a better deal, man. That's it. I need a manager. You've got to sign up with Token.

To be honest, most people pay to get jerked off. So if anything, it's changing the market. What's happened in the world? I used to do it for free. Should I have been charged? Oh, no, I see. Oh, no, I got that mixed up. And so did you.

You said most people get paid to get jacked off. That's what's going on. They're paying Tommy to... Yeah, well, anyway, let's move on. Is this reading group again? All right, guys, we've got to wrap it up for another week Please give a big round of applause to Denise Scott Nazeem Hussain

Nick Kappa Thanks very much for listening And we'll see you next time See you mates Happy birthday Carl it is Netflix's Daniel Sloss basically a bunch of your friends reached out and told me

that you were a big fan of mine so just wanted to wish you happy birthday look forward to meeting you one day always nice to meet my fans um of what i've been on the podcast oh okay well you know it's good to uh talk to you again uh i can't do the podcast again because i'm genuinely too fucking famous for you cunts now may have a great day and they've done it again welcome to talking dumb Dumb Dumb. Yep.

We're doing this again as well. We did that again. Now we're doing this again. We're doing Talking Dumb Dumb again. Yeah. Do we need to start doing a segment where we wrap up whether they've done it again on Talking Dumb Dumb? Oh, good question. I say yes.

Hey, fun episode. That was the first one of four Melbourne of our annual sort of April Melbourne ones that we do. Yep. Um, that was all right. Yep. Good fun. Great to have Denise back on the pod.

Great get to get Denise back. Cause we've been trying for, for fucking years really. Yeah. So, uh, my dad has sold the caravan that I was talking about in this episode. Right.

Uh, he sold it like the next day to to someone out of the local paper, which I sort of was hoping that it would be a thing where he would end up selling it to a listener. I just sort of wanted to know how that would pan out. The risk was that my dad would end up murdered by one of the freaks that listens to this. But you know what?

For the sake of content, I was happy to roll the dice on that one. Great. So what just happened? So obviously we record the live show and Talking Dumb Dumb on different days. Yes. Right. That nearly always happens. So I've come around to your house to record this.

Now you have a side entrance where you have like an automatic door that you come and sometimes you'll just open the door and we'll play a bit of funny bogus. We'll do a bit of like mime. We'll do a bit of like role playing. You know, when I'm coming in, we'd like to be'll play a bit of funny bogus we'll do a bit of like mime we'll do a bit of like role playing you know when i'm coming in we'd like to do a bit of role play yeah we are trying to you know spice it up and keep it exciting at this this long into the relationship yes so sometimes like you'll pretend that you you know who you don't know who's out there you have a look and then and then you you open the door and you're peering around the corner and i'm hiding and I'm hiding doing it.

Like you can't see who you're letting in and stuff like that. And it's like from my apartment, from you texting me to say I'm at the side door, from walking from my apartment to that side door, it's maybe 30 seconds. So there's a very quick sort of writer's meeting in my head as I walk down the steps of like, all right, what's the bit? What's the bit today? Yep. So today when all that happened, I was like, oh, he's doing it again, peering through the door again.

Okay, all right, we'll do this again. So I hid. I was hiding as the doors opened. I'm hiding, trying to get out of sight. And then I realized that's not Tommy that's opening the door. That's someone else. Fantastic. Probably the building manager or whatever.

I don't know who it is, but I'm doing the bit where I'm hiding, like giggling, hiding as the door's opening. And then he's just looking at me going, what are you doing? And I'm like, oh, I'm waiting for someone. He's like, is it someone in this building? And I'm like, yeah, yeah. Great. Yeah.

But, I mean, that's a fair response for you when it's a stranger to be just hiding from them. Right. You know what I mean? A bit cautious. I was doing it pantomime style. But the other thing is you knew that I wasn't on the other side of the fence because I'd gone to your house by accident because we never said where we were doing this. No, but I didn't because there was a little bit of distance in between.

So I didn't know whether you'd race home or not. I didn't know whether you'd beat me there. Ah, right. Okay. I see what you're saying. Well, the other week when we were here, we were just talking about what we were going to do on the pod that was like the live one that we were doing a couple days later and then there was a knock on the door and it was in the middle of the day and i thought because i'm you know we're constantly in

here recording this then there's the other pod that i do that we mostly record in this house so it's constantly just men in this apartment just screaming into microphones and i'm like how long before one of my neighbors gets the shits with this right so we're doing stuff in here there's a knock on the door and i think this is it the jig's finally up this is a neighbor to tell me no more podcasting yeah and what it was instead was a was a uh rental inspection that i had completely forgotten about so my real estate agent just coming in well there's this other man just sitting around in the house and we're talking about comedy

and like, so then anyway, should we say let's bum at the end of the episode or what? She's just like, yeah, just need to get some photos of the sink

and make sure that's all in order. Yeah. Why is there all that cum in the sink? Anything else? Yeah, look, so we talked about Belgrade. We're all locked in for Belgrade. Yeah, we leave,

well, when people hear this hot off the press, we leave in one week. Yeah. So we're on the same plane. Yeah. So, guys, look, we haven't thought this out. It's not like Air Force One. We've got the president and the vice president on the same plane. So if that goes down...

Yeah. Uh-oh. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry, boys. Sorry, girls. Fuck, now that you've said that, isn't that perfect? Your soccer team doing well,

heading over to watch them for the first time in 30 years. No, no, no, to watch them win. You've dragged your little friend along and then on the way over, see you, mate. See you. It's like the last episode of Seinfeld or something. Yes. It's like very disappointing end to it all.

I went in to my GP on Monday this week to try and get a prescription for some heavy-duty sleeping pills for the plane. And she was asking me, do I get anxious and whatever i'm like no i'm just bad at sleeping on them and then i get anxious about not being able to sleep and she goes okay i'll write you a prescription and she goes onto her computer and starts typing in you know this this like heavy duty medication and then this big red warning comes up on the screen and like i'm not allowed to have it because it clashes with this other medicine that i'm on just this big thing going do not give this cunt this stuff i'm like fuck what about if i just go to the chemist and get temazepam over the counter and she's like that's the same thing

yeah i can't give you anything so she's given me melatonin which i think is it's a it's like a lower grade thing but i think it's pretty good man i'm gonna get dizepam and just eat 10 of them it's gonna be good just chomp them down like get diazepam and just eat 10 of them. It's going to be good. Just chomp them down like fucking Pac-Man. Exactly. You'll come and try and root me. She said that it's like it clashes with this seizure medication that I take. Yeah.

That there's like... The side effects of diazepam that I'm going to take, like it makes you really drowsy. Right. Interesting. And then what's the main effect? If that's the side effect... That's the joke, yeah. No, the side effect. That's the joke.

Yeah. No, I know. I'm working with it. Oh, okay. Right, right, right. Well, I've had enough. That's all I have. Okay, right.

I should look into what these side effects would be if I clashed this sleeping pill with my seizure medication. Maybe it's good. Do you know what I mean? Maybe it's a side effect that I'd be into. Your cock just starts swelling and swelling and gets bigger and bigger and bigger. Maybe you get a radioactive dick. Yeah. That'd be pretty cool.

Yeah. It can fly. Yeah. It can spin webs. And so my dick's flying and it's just sort of dragging me along. Yeah. So the rest of my body doesn't have the ability to fly. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I'm just flying dick first through the air. Yeah. I like that. Yeah. Just impregnating birds. Yeah. Yeah, it's going to be good. It's a big flight.

I haven't been to Europe for a while. Me either. You know what? Last time I went to Europe was directly before the very first episode of this show. Yeah, I remember that. And we talked about it. Yeah. Yeah, I just got back from Europe.

You went to Portugal. Yeah, and England. Yeah, so full circle. And we talked about it. Yeah. Yeah, I just got back from Europe. You went to Portugal. Yeah, and England. Yeah, so full circle. It could be the end. That's perfect. Yeah. But you're not, oh no, you are doing, yeah, we're going to Belgrade. You are doing a bit of Europe.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Euro trip. Yeah. So what do we got? We got, we get in. You're going, you're doing a bit of Europe. I'm doing a bit of Europe. But I unfortunately have a child.

Well, not unfortunately, but unfortunately I'm not. Unfortunately, but only allows me to piss off overseas for two weeks. Well, that's like literally I'm doing the absolute base things that I have to do. I'm going to the match and I'm going to our shows. And they're a week apart, so I'm basically there for a week. Whereas you're going then for your little Contiki tour afterwards. Yeah, yeah. Which, ideally, in a perfect world, I'd be going to have a look at some stuff.

I've never been to bloody – where do I want to go? I don't know. You know what? I've always wanted to go to Serbia. Welcome to fucking Rome. I've been there. But I have always wanted to go to Serbia. Have you really?

Yes. I've been saying the last couple of years, I wanted to go to Serbia But Have you really? Yes I've been saying the last couple of years I want to go to Serbia Why? Just because I've heard it's really good Oh okay But No actually

No Croatia That's what I keep thinking Oh okay The enemy Yeah Fuck Uh oh But Serbia's supposed to be good as well

So that's fine But I'm just stressed about this fucking show But But what I don't get why you're so stressed. Like, even if it's really bad, it's like we're on the other side. There's no stakes. If it's bad, that's funny.

I know, but look, I'll be completely honest, and this is not a slight on you. You don't seem to worry about a bad show, but I get very worked up about a bad show. No, I get worked up, and I know you get worked up about a bad show. No, I get worked up. And I know you get worked up. But, I mean, I get worked up about us doing a bad pod where it's like a live show that we're doing

to like a big room of our listeners. But there's going to be fucking four people in this fucking room in Belgrade. Well, that's the dream. Yeah. I'm imagining there being 150 people going, what the fuck is this? Yeah

But Cody's been there and done stand up And said it was great Yeah I don't know I don't know But that's the thing It's just unknown

Yeah I don't know And if I don't know I get worried Yeah Whereas London I know it's going to be full of people That listen to this show

Yeah Those will be really fun Yeah I've got no If we were just doing them I'd be like Fuck yes Yeah But this thing But look at it this way even the worst case scenario of the belgrade show it's an unmitigated disaster yeah that is sweet content for that pod in london sure then we're

set so it's like you just ride that out for a couple of hours then we're on the plane the next day sure but like is it it depends what sort of bad show it is. If it's just us getting silenced for an hour, it's like how good of a story is that? Yeah, that's true. Look, if I was going to get up there and guarantee that I was going to get hit in the head with a pomegranate, sure. Or whatever the national fruit of fucking Serbia is.

I reckon I could arrange that. Right. If something like that's going to happen, sure. Sure, okay. But if it's just me bombing in front of people and then I go at the end, oh, they probably didn't speak English and then they're like,

no, we speak perfect English actually. None of us are from Serbia. Yeah. Then that's fucking, well, actually that would be funny. I think it's like I'm nervous about it but it's also it's like it's just so unknown. It's so unknown and unexpected

that it's like I's just so unknown it's so unknown and unexpected that it's like i'm allowing the excitement of that sure to overpower the nervousness about it sure it's like this could be fucking anything yeah and how how good is life that this is what we're getting yeah yeah it's so stupid i feel you know what and this this sounds bad saying it out loud. What a crazy idea this is. I hate that. No. But I feel better that Kappa's coming with us. For sure. Yeah.

100%. Yeah. Yeah. It's the first time I've ever said that. Yeah. But. Even for just the sheer fact of like, if it goes badly, more of us to be able to sit around and go.

Yes. Fucking hell. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But see, I've got a real link to the outside world. I've got a good friend of mine from school coming along with us. Right. So it's like if I eat shit up there, word is going to get back to my outside of comedy friends.

Right. I can't just put it away and pretend it never happened. Right, right. Great. I've got a rat. I've got a mole in the mix. Right. Yeah, look, let us know if you are coming, if you're

a listener and you're coming. Have we heard of any Londoners making their trip over for it? I heard a few messages of people going they were thinking about coming for it. Because the other thing, it's not super easy to get there from London. No. It's not an easy direct flight.

Yeah, you've got to stop over. Where are you stopping? Vienna? Yeah, I think I am too too my friend booked the flights for me yeah um yeah um yeah i'm saying that stopping there as well um which would be nice if we maybe we're on the same flight did i send you my flights no okay no so if we are that's a great coincidence twinsies um we shouldn't let that happen anyway after after you know we've got to get this air force one thing happening yeah but no i am i am uh the trip is the trip is looming and i am very excited about all of it great some great stuff on the horizon well so you weren't as

excited about this long term the long haul trip to start with about the london flight yeah i'm i've made peace with it now. I do this thing where when I'm booking in something where there's an element of it that I'm kind of dreading, I sort of start to think maybe if I – there must be another way. Like I start to think another solution will present itself to me. Yeah, yeah, sure. If I just hold off from one more day from booking these flights, maybe they'll invent teleportation.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And how dumb would I feel if I've booked this 24-hour flight in if I could then get there instantly? Yeah. But now once it's all locked in and confirmed, I'm like, you know, I'm already starting to load up the iPad with movies and be like, great, I'm looking forward to watching this. Yeah. I got these couple of albums have come out.

I'll listen to them. Yeah. Got some video games ready to go. Bought a new book. Now I'm feeling good about it. Great. Now I'll listen to them. Yep. I've got some video games ready to go. Bought a new book. Now I'm feeling good about it. Great. Now I'm set. Great.

Well, yeah, people in London, people coming to London, we're very much looking forward to that. This is our next big adventure. So, super sweet. Loving the idea of meeting you guys and hanging out. Yeah, it's going to be cool. We're doing that Saturday night show, which is a handful, Saturday afternoon show. There's a handful of tickets left,

which is sort of the weird thing because the first two sold out immediately, but they're on the Sunday now, so they're the second and third ones. So the exciting one, when we're there for the first time, is not quite full yet, and it's full of people that it took a while to book their tickets. So maybe it won't be this euphoric first show.

I mean, it's still full. There's like 10 left. Right. It maybe it won't be this euphoric first show. I mean, it's still full. There's like 10 left. Right. It's still going to be, and I reckon there'll be by the last, by the time we get to it. Sure. There'll be some stragglers we'll get in in the mix. Okay.

But yeah, that's going to be fucking great. And hopefully, hopefully in the coming weeks, we have a little beer update. Oh, yeah. I was going to ask you about that. Yeah. Okay. Great.

Well, I'm glad you're on it. Great. So that's Serbia. That's England talk. Let's leave that be. Obviously, Samui's coming up. It's not too late. Get on it, guys.

Oh, very quickly. Quick plug to Keishon. The travel agent to the podcasting stars was very, very patient with me, changing my mind about what i wanted to do every three minutes but uh he got it he got it all locked away he got me some great prices he got me some great deals he did the whole kit and caboodle for me yeah uh came in under budget so yeah shout out to the boy for hooking that one up he he did a good job because he did a thing where today he rang me up to confirm everything because i'm you you know, I'm actually insanely busy at the

moment and I get emails from people and I tend to respond to them maybe two days later at the moment. I'm just so busy. Anyway, he just went, oh, I'm ringing this guy and sorting it out right now. Yeah. There's no excuse. So good for him. Rang up and sorted all my queries.

So there's the link to him. If you want to deal with him for Samui or anything like that, his email address is on the page on littledumbdumbclub.com slash cosamui. So get on that. It'll give you all the details of where to stay in Samui, the password for the cheap hotel at Ozo, and his email address, and he can give you the best possible deal for flights and insurance and even extra accommodation if you want to. Yes, and a very lovely guy and uh a delight to deal with even

though there were certain points where i went is it the wisest thing to be having a travel agent who lives in a different time zone to you yeah yeah yeah he does live in perth everyone he lives in perth which hey at the moment is kind of handy where it's like being able to talk to him at like 9 p.m exactly i was gonna say that's the upside yeah yeah dealing him at like 9 p.m. here. I was going to say that's the upside. Yeah. Yeah, dealing real estate at 8 p.m. That's great. Yeah.

So, yeah, get onto that. He's been lovely to us. Nice. So that's all the upcoming stuff taken care of for the moment. I think Melbourne's been fun. Yeah. At time of recording, we're about to do the final one. So we've got two up our sleeves, and those two are fucking great.

The next couple of weeks are fucking great oh you mean of recorded episodes the ones up yeah yeah yeah um so yeah really looking forward to what you guys think of that those we the one we just did over the weekend was maybe the greatest hour of my life yeah might be the the best light might be the best live episode we've done i think so i don't know how it'll come out recorded yeah in the room it was great i was crying at one point yeah laughing i had a couple of mates i should say not because it was going so badly i reckon i'll be crying in belgrade i did i did have a couple of mates hit me up and go you that was really fun just to see you guys loving it so much.

Yeah, there was a point where it was like control did sort of get wrestled out of our hands. But at one point I was just like, this is just cool because I've got the best seat in the house for this great show. But anyway, let's not talk too much about something that's not out yet because people are going to get annoyed. But that's in a couple of weeks. Yeah. One last bit of plugging. Sydney, get on that. We've got a huge live show coming up July 27,

but it's well on its way to selling out. Well, it definitely will sell out. It will, yeah, yeah, yeah. But just when you guys want it to. Yeah. So do that because we won't do a second one or anything. We've sold out Newcastle. We're going up there to do one in Sydney, one in Newcastle.

That's that. So if you want to come, get into it. All right. So people that don't go to the live shows, or maybe they do, but they want to patronize us in a monetary form, that is, not just go, oh, you and your little podcast. You can go to patreon.com slash little dum-dum club and throw a few shekels our way. Throw a few coins into the wishing well. Yeah.

We wish you'd kill yourself. No, we're stuck down there, and the coins are just hitting us in the head. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're in the wrong currency. We can't use them in any way. Yep, yep. So thank you to everyone that does that.

There's plenty of you, and we really appreciate it. And it is literally the only reason we keep this thing going. Yep. So thank you. Now, what, of course, we do to reward you guys is we chuck out a magazine we work too hard on. We chuck out a bonus episode every month. Both those things. And, of course, at the end of every episode of Talking Dumb Dumb, we read out a couple of your names.

Well, not a couple. I don't think it's ever happened to do a couple. That would be two. What are couples two? We've done that before. Have we? We've just done two, yeah. I don't remember that.

I remember, Jesus, I mean. What's the lowest number you think we've done? Oh, like 17, maybe? Right. That comes to mind. No, we've done two. I remember doing 17 one week and going, geez, how did we get away with only doing that many?

No, then we did two the next week, but we've never done anything in between. Right. Oh, gee, you've got a good memory. Yeah. Okay. Thank you. Oh, thank God for you.

Yeah. Thank you. Yeah, we should keep records of this sort of stuff instead of just randomly pulling names out of this bit of machinery we have here. But anyway, that's how I've organized it, so that's how we can continue. All right, let's open up the Unplanned Title Alternator. Oh, we're opening it up?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, right. Well, yeah, we're opening up the program on the Unplanned Title Alternator. Oh, right, right, right. Yeah, you've got to do that. You can't use it while it's switched off is what I'm trying to say, I guess. Yeah, okay, right. Yeah, if that makes sense.

I thought you meant physically like you're pulling open some kind of like shaft. Right. Yeah. Pulling out – no, not pulling out a shaft. We're just turning on the computer. Yeah, okay. Yeah, right. You can't stick your dick in this computer is what I'm trying to say.

I wasn't asking whether I could. I thought that was the question. All right. You really do have a one-track mind, don't you? I just, that's, I wouldn't have thought, if someone else had said that's i wouldn't have thought if someone else had said that i wouldn't have thought that because it's you because i've seen you fuck a few computers over the years because i've seen you fuck a few computers i'm thinking well that's where my brain goes right what's my what's the what's your favorite computer that you've ever seen me fuck what do you think is

my greatest conquest when you fucked an amstrad that time i was like i was like i'm not even weirded out that you're fucking computer i'm like where'd you get the amstrad that time. I was like, I'm not even weirded out that you're fucking a computer. I'm like, where did you get the Amstrad from? Like, that's old school. More like, damn, Strad. Like, what? Are you fucking California Games on that thing? Or what's going on?

And this is like, this will speak a lot to my sexual proclivities. I don't even know what an Amstrad is. Oh, wow. But guess what? Still happy to fuck it. Yeah. Gee. Well, you heard itstrad is. Oh, wow. But guess what? Still happy to fuck it. Yeah. Gee. Well, you heard it first, guys.

You don't even have to be – Tommy doesn't even have to know what you are for him to fuck you. Yes. Pretty cool. Glad we got that one on the record. Yeah. Great. All right.

Let's start this one up. Let's get stuck in. We can't be here all day, and I feel like we have been here all day already. Let's do at least one this week. Let's start this one up. Let's get stuck in. We can't be here all day, and I feel like we have been here all day already. Let's do at least one this week. Let's start with one. Minimum one? Yeah, absolute minimum. Okay, I'd like to go lower, but...

Oh, well, maybe we can try that one week. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Rebecca Ostrogne. Ostrogne. Rebecca Ostrogne. Maybe it's pronounced Ostrogne. Ostrogne. Rebecca Ostrogne. Maybe it's pronounced Ostrogne. Ostrogne. It's like a gnat, as in G-N-A-T. So it's O-S-T-R-O-G-N-A-Y.

Ostrogne. Let's call it Ostrogne. Yeah, okay. That's what that sounds like. Okay. Ostrogne. It sounded, that did sound, maybe of all of the names we've had, the most like, you know, that cliche thing of like someone in like a cartoon trying to think of a fake name.

Right, right. Under pressure with a cop. Rebecca Ostrogne. That's someone doing that thing where they look around the room and they go, my name's Rebecca. And then they see an Ostrogne and go, Ostrogne. Yeah. Hang on, aren't you just reading out what you saw up there on the ceiling? There was an ostrich and then there was an egg and then there was a horse name.

Oh, right. Ostrogne. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you made that up. Wouldn't you like to marry into the Ostrogne family? I'd be a progressive woke man and take her name, I reckon. Do you? Tommy Ostranay.

That's good. Yeah. It sort of sounds like astronaut. Yes. I don't mind that. Yeah. Isn't that a thing? Isn't that – do you – I guess it's never happened to you,

but isn't that a weird thing to start going out with – Getting married. No, but to start going out with someone, even on the first date. I wonder if that's a common thing as soon as you meet someone to be as a girl yeah to think now whether you're the sort of person that takes someone's name or not but that thought may into your head and either way you may have may have not decided that yet but to just meet someone and go it's not going to work this you know Because you have no interest in their surname. This guy, I mean, his name's Gary Bitch

and I just can't see myself marrying into the Bitch family. Yeah, but then she can just still keep her maiden name. What's her maiden name in this scenario? Motherfucker. Right. Yeah. So her name's like what? Rebecca.

Fuck you, motherfucker is her full name. Fuck you, motherfucker. Yeah. And she'd rather be fuck you, bitch. Yeah. Or she, no, she can't be fuck you. No, she you, motherfucker. Yeah. And she'd rather be fuck you, bitch. Yeah. No, she can't be fuck you, bitch. No, she can't be. So what does she want to be then? What's the ideal scenario where fuck you as a first name is then in some way improved?

She's waiting for someone called John Just Tricking. Right, right, right. So then all of a sudden her name doesn't feel so bad. But so then in that case, then what you're doing is you're just treating the white pages like Tinder. Right. You're just going through the Just Kids. Yeah.

And calling up and going. I like that. How many men in this house are single? I like that. That is pretty good. I wonder if anyone's ever done that. Just like the sound of that. Yeah.

Yeah. That's pretty. That's just really cool. That's like some people, you know, some girls are like, oh, I like like i like a tall man yep uh like someone who's you know got a good job yep i just like a good surname yep yeah i'm just desperate to get out of this yeah prison that my parents imposed on me yes yeah and as soon as this as soon as we talk about this i know josh earl friend of the show um he always whenever this sort of stuff comes up He will give me a message Because I think his wife has a particularly

Not great surname Yes We've talked about this before Have we? I saw her the other night actually I think I've seen her Once or twice in my life I hadn't seen her for ages

And then I was hanging out with Josh And she was coming to his show So she came along And then he went in to To get ready for the show Make out with her and she was coming to his show. So she came along and then he went in to get ready for the show. Make out with her. Root her. What?

What? Were they having sex backstage before the show? Yeah. Did I not make it clear that this was a story about me cucking Josh Earl? No, not you. Him. Him, not you. Yeah, but they started to get me going.

Oh, right. And then I hopped in. Oh, God. And then I hopped in. Oh, God. Jesus Christ. I thought I was the one saying a fuck thing and then you've trumped me. Jesus Christ. But you fucked Josh, right? I fucked Josh.

So that was what the story was. Phew. Sorry, I mean, I was cucking his wife. Yeah, right, right, right, right. That's way cool. Phew. That's way funnier for some reason. Great.

Yeah, so I want to – look, this will be something that we hear from but um is it is it a deal breaker is it a deal breaker the surname wanting to get out yeah i don't not so much i mean not so much interested in whether it's a deal breaker i'd be interested if if anyone has actively sought out a type of surname yep that listens to this yeah i like that any any ladies or have you married someone with us and overlooked it been been a better person been the bigger person been the bigger lady and gone yeah look i was the sort of person i don't mind changing my name but your name honey is just too shit and i'm just not going to do it for aesthetic reasons. Yep.

Not because of philosophical reasons, just I don't want to be. Yeah. Oh, all the time that would happen. Well, I want to hear. Yeah. I want to hear who did it and what the name was. Yeah, what are the dog shit ones. Yeah.

Is, yeah. I want to hear if you met Samuel Cum and you went, not for me. I'll be keeping my name. Thank you very much. Sure. Yeah. Thanks, Rebecca. Thanks, Rebecca.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber Adam Bailey. He's a lot cleaner. Very simple. Very sort of a very – you know what this is? A classic name. Yeah. You know what? Is this the classic name of the week? You know what? This is a classic name. Yeah. You know what? Is this the classic name of the week?

You know what? Our famous segment, the classic name of the week. Put it this way. If I could read ahead, I would say yes. If I could. If you could. Obviously, I can't. Well, here we go.

But I got a good feeling about it, that this is the classic name of the week. This is it for the week. The classic name of the week. Yeah. You call it, man. You call it. This is Tommy's classic name of the week. Wow, nice one.

There it is, Adam. How do you feel about that? Check your mailbox for the prize. Joining, I mean, I don't even, I won't waste time by, you know, normally I read out the Hall of Fame every week. I'm not going to waste time doing that this week because we can all remember all the other greats that are in the. And there's a lot of segments within this show.

I mean, you know, we've got the classic name of the week. Then we've got the fuckedest one. Yes. And then we've got the Hall of Fame of things that we don't really have any interest in. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, there's a lot of halls in this building.

Within, you know, sometimes, you know, especially that week when we did two, only two names. Yeah. It seems like there was too many Halls of Fame that week. Absolutely. Considering we were doing two names. That was a nightmare. Yeah. It was a rare misstep ons of Fame that week. Absolutely. Considering we were doing two nights. That was a nightmare.

Yeah. It was a rare misstep on our behalf, I thought. Yeah. But it might be the only misstep we've ever done. Oh, yeah. I think that was in our Hall of Fame, missteps. And there was only one thing in the Hall of Fame. So you're right.

And the text on that board is able to be huge because there's only one thing on it. It's a massive, massive font. Yeah. It's a massive font. And there's no room for a second one because we're that cocky. Yeah, exactly. Anyway, thanks, Adam. Oh, yeah, thanks, Adam.

Bailey, I like it. You know what? I'd marry into Bailey. I'd marry into the Bailey family. Yeah, with Tommy Bailey. That's good. I don't mind it. Carl Bailey, not as good.

Not as good, sorry. Tommy Bailey's good. What do you think about the drink Bailey's? It was a drink that I would drink when I was 16 or 17. Who the fuck drinks Bailey's? Well, me when I was 16 or 17. But is it just that?

Is it just children who don't really know what alcohol is? You reckon? Definitely. My mum, it's a gift. It's a gift that I give to my mum and it's a gift I give to my wife's mum. Interesting. Because I think I've told this on the pod before. My parents bought me a bottle of Bailey's one year as a Christmas present.

And I was like, where did this come from? You've never heard me talk. Oh, this was. It wasn't that long ago, was it? No, it was when I was like 26 or something. Yes, too old. But it did. But then it just sat there for ages.

And it's one of the. I reckon it's one of those bottles of alcohol that you get as a gift. It sits in the pantry. And then it ends up getting tipped into when you're like, you've had a house party, you've had people around, everyone else is out of booze, the local bottle shop's closed, and it's like, we have this, I guess. But then me and my then-girlfriend got into having a little Bailey's in bed

because it was the middle of winter. It's a nice little nightcap in little nightcap nice little milk drink before bed right it's yeah i guess so all right i can see that it was nice in the way of like this is good because we're just getting through this fucking bottle right you know we didn't get to the end and then go let's keep this going and then go buy yeah yeah yeah okay yeah no it's definitely definitely a thing that was kept my i remember my mom and dad just kept the worst alcohol in their little cabinet yeah so like even when i started getting into grog i was like well i'm not touching any of that shit i don't want any of that stuff yeah like what uzo big fans of uzo fuck i love uzo

do you really and i love it no i love it couldn't think of something worse no i love it my best mate growing up is greek and yeah he got me into it and it's like fuck dude it's so good. I love it. The UDL cans of Uzo. It's nice.

It's like drinking licorice. Yeah I hate licorice. See it's funny because like I don't like licorice but I

like Uzo. Yeah okay. Well it makes sense like I love the smell of coffee. Don't drink it. Interesting.

That said I haven't had Uzo in a very long time. Right. I'm going to dip back. Because it's... What are we going to... You just need to order it. What are we drinking in Serbia?

What are we drinking in Serbia? Yeah, what's the drink? I wonder what it is. What do we hit up? I kind of wish I was going to Greece now. Because, god damn, I'd love to get on the... I'd love to get on the fucking ouzo. I don't think...

I'll never go to Greece, I reckon. I would really like to go... I was looking at going to Santorini on this trip, and then my friend was like, if you have limited time, don't bother. Like, only do it if you have a good amount of time. I'd love to go to Greece. What is it about Greece that turns you off?

Greek people. Yeah, really? Interesting. Yeah. Why? But you like Italian people? Yeah, better. Right.

And I like Italian food better. Yeah, well, I i mean i agree with that yeah there's um there's just not a great reason for me to go to greece i feel i feel like i don't know not yeah there's nothing there's nothing that grabs me i uh i was getting some italian food advice last night from friend of the show slash unofficial wog of the show sonia diorio oh yeah are you allowed to say that i guess as a desolate you are yeah we're from the same village right right right yep um oh so you're getting what's what's what's pastor advice oh just you know just talking about how good it's

okay i'll write this down yeah no more just like how good it all is right there and everything and like yeah but you know the world's a smaller place these days. Don't think like that because you're going to get disappointed because I went there and, you know, I did my best to go around and find all the good stuff and it's like, yeah, but it's just, you know, people in Australia are good at cooking stuff. Like it's not going to be some magic trick where you get over there and everything's completely different.

It'll just be nice. Yeah, but she was saying what's what she was saying what's really interesting about it is that like any other city that you go to so like you go to tokyo for example easy to get ramen easy to get all the japanese food but then it's like you start to hear there's actually this pizza place that's amazing right like they make really good there's this burger place that's really amazing you know there's there's outside foods from other cultures that they have their own version of that are really, really good.

Right. She was saying, Italy, none of that. Like, it's really hard to get your hand on food that's not pasta and pizza and stuff. Right, right. I found this. This is my thing from what I learned there for a week was… Here we go. No, no, no.

It's very simple. That it was really good. good everything was a very high standard nothing that you know i i keep thinking in my head it's like it's a bit like popeye eating spinach all of a sudden you find this thing and it's like ding ding ding ding ding and you go fuck this is what they were talking about yeah it's not it's just like the best stuff you would have here yeah is reasonably common over there and you're not paying the same price for it. I think that's it. Yeah, yeah.

Just a higher average and instead of, you know, here where you buy something and it's fucking great but you're paying $30 for it. Yeah. Over there it's $10, $12. Yeah, I'm not expecting to have my mind absolutely blown but there is something to be said for like you're immersed in it and you're getting it straight from the source. Yeah. You know?

Yeah, yeah. I just look, I don't want anyone to break your heart, that's all, with food. You don't want anyone to break my heart? No. Interesting. No, no. You do think I want someone to break your heart? I think there's a part of you that would think it would be good for content.

If someone broke your heart. Yeah. So you think I would like you to meet. We got a catchphrase out of the last one. Oh, yeah. That was good. That was good. Yeah.

All right. All right. I'm back on. All right. Thanks. Thanks, Adam. Thanks, Adam. Thank you to Patreon subscriber.

This person is active on the social. Thank you to Tara Troella. Yes. I've met Tara. Right. Okay. I've met Tara. Right, okay. I've met her a couple of times. She lives...

She's rural, I believe. Yeah, I think she lived in or near Bendigo. I met her in Bendigo. Right. I think she does not live there. I think she lives much norther than that. I think she may live interstate or something. Okay.

Yeah, I believe. Maybe I'm thinking of a different... No, you might be. Because Bendigo is like central Victoria, so that would be the... Maybe that's like the closest good gig. Yeah, it might have been. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Or maybe just northern Victoria somewhere. But active on the socials, recognise the name. Mm-hmm. Big... Likes to weigh in. A lot of these people are very active on the socials, appreciate it.

It's a bustling little hub that we've got. Yeah, between all the stuff, between Facebook, where we've got the private group, we've got the people aware of the Little Dum Dum Club or just on the fan page or, you know, within the many Koh Samui private groups that we've got for all the people that went to each festival. We have three on the go.

The massive digital footprint that this podcast is responsible for. Yeah. It's responsible for us not doing work every day. It's just a constant notification, ding, ding, ding, ding, that we get. Oh, God. Nightmare. Every now and then a friend will go, I tagged you in a thing and you never responded, didn't you?

I'm like, my notifications are a fucking disaster at this point. It's millions of just, it's so hard to keep track of. We hit 10K on Twitter today. Did we? Yeah. Well done us. Yeah, thanks. We're on the Instagrams as well.

Yeah, feel free to hit us up. You know, most people do if you've ever got a question. Some people go, oh, my God, I've never messaged you or anything like that. A guy put in the group the other day. He was like a listener from basically day one and went, I just got out of jail. That was good. Wow. Yeah.

I didn't see that. I was like, my instant question is, what did you go in for? And then I'm like, no, I'm not going to ask that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not in a group of people. And then all of a sudden we find out an answer that we didn't want to find out. But interesting. I like how Tara's shout out has just turned into a plug for our social media.

Well, don't forget to like, comment and subscribe. Thanks, Tara. Yeah. Whatever happened to you putting little highlights on YouTube? You were going to do that. Oh, yeah. I was waiting to kind of build them up and do – I'll do another batch in one big hit. We've had some highlights since then.

Yeah. I think it was just we had enough in a row that were like easy to do. Right. Yeah, get on to it. Thanks, Tara. Thanks, Tara. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. See, this is not the classic name of the week.

Yeah, well, of course it's not because we've already awarded. I know, but it's no contender, I guess, is what I'm saying, right? Right. But it's not bad. Right. It. I know, but it's no contender, I guess, is what I'm saying, right? Right. But it's not bad. Right. It's not bad. It's up there? No, it's not up there.

It's up somewhere else. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Nathan Clack. Very nice. Handled expertly. Sorry, Knackers, but it's a good name. Nathan Clack. Now, we're not the first people to laugh at you, I'm sure. I'm sorry.

So, where do you think he's pulling this money from? Now, look, here's a theory that I heard the other day. Hit me. Right. That long ago, people's surnames derived from whatever people did for a living back then, right? Now, what did the Clack family do? Well, then one has to wonder if that is indeed true.

We have no way of verifying this quote-unquote fact that you've just thrown at me. I didn't say it was a fact. It was a recent theory i heard the other day but then one has to wonder how the lineage of the clack family ever continued right you know what i mean because there's a certain thing that i've heard about not producing babies. Up the clack, no babies. That seems to, you know, this can't be, how are there multiple generations of this family? If that's indeed what his ancestors did.

Well, just because your name is that doesn't mean that you do that for a living, though. That might be just a hobby. You just said that's your theory. I didn't explain it. I didn't explain it fully. I didn't say that you definitely did that's your theory i i didn't explain it i didn't explain it fully i didn't say that that you you definitely did fuck someone in the bum and for a living and then that was your name so it's just like you've got such a reputation in the village for just absolutely loving anal sex that it's like you know what there's been a lot of discussions

about names and everything and what they should be. Your name has to be Clack. You love it. And he's like, I'm a great blacksmith. Yeah, but let's be honest. You're doing a lot more of the other thing. Yeah. And blacksmiths, dime a dozen.

Yeah. This talent, not as many. He's the two unheard of in this village. Yes. At least no one is making a living from it, at the very least. talent. Not as many. Hitherto unheard of in this village. Yes. At least no one is making a living from it, at the very least. Took a little visit to Greece, came back and went, my God. See, that's why I'm not going.

Just in case I find my hidden talent. Right, right. You're too scared. You're too scared to visit your mother country. I'm just worried I'll finally find out what I've been put on earth for. Fuck, that's so funny. Someone going to Greece purely because they're such a fan of anal. Like me going to Japan because I love the food, I love the culture, just like Greece, massive fan of going up the dot.

I had to go to ground zero and see where it all began. It's where it all started. Pay my respects. Yeah, where it all started. Where they know how to do it properly you know the the sort of strains that they have in australia they're not the real deal just a guy it's like seeing it's like seeing pizza in australia going they've got fucking pineapple on it that's not real pizza but do you think it's the same thing as what you were saying about the food in rome it's like mate you're expecting to get your mind blown by the anal over in Greek. And, like, we've got great anal sex practitioners here in Melbourne.

Yeah. But they're just not, you know, you can't throw a stone out a window and hit five of them, you know, like you can in Greece. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. A guy getting kicked off a Contiki tour going around Athens because he keeps asking the guide about anal. What about that? Hey, mate, what about that place, that big joint over there, the anal athium? No, that's not what that's.

Anal theum. Is that what it's called, the anal theum? I love this character, dude. This guy rocks. There for three weeks just oh fuck me that is a delight yep um thanks nathan thanks sincerely i say this about everyone but i i mean it more than i ever have thanks nathan yes thank you. All right. I've got to get back to my baby. Let's cut it short.

Okay. We've certainly done more than 17 or whatever. Yeah, yeah. Let's just get into whatever this number is. And okay. Wow. All right. What?

Oh, no, no. Just like, just funny. You know, the way you talk about names and everything like that. Is this a, I mean, we have already decided it, but is this potentially another contender for the classic name of the week? Well, I guess you be the judge. I wouldn't have thought so. Okay.

It's not going to knock Adam Bailey off the perch. Well, Adam Bailey, Adam. Wow. The first name there ever was. Very true. So, very classic. Bailey, I mean, one of the first surnames in the dictionary, I guess, if there was a name dictionary.

So pretty line and length, whereas I'll be honest, at least in this country, neither of these names are line and length. Interesting. This one you're about to read out? Yes, this one. Okay. Neither of them. This 19th one of the week.

Yeah. Neither of them. Maybe, like I said, not in this country. Maybe in Greece. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Anal Comedy. Right. Yeah. I feel like this is potentially the 18th or so time that Anal Comedy has been a subscriber of this podcast.

Really? Seems like something that would have come up many times over the years if I had to hazard a guess. Why would you say that? Oh, no. Just, you know, just a hunch. You think that that's, like, anal is as popular first name as Adam? Yeah. Is that what you're saying? Yeah.

So you're saying, mate, I'm sorry, but if at the start, under that tree with the snake and the apple, if there was Adam and anal, there would be no one else. I see what you're saying. Yeah. No, no, the snake comes along and he's like, I bet you're going to try and convince me to eat the apple. And he's like, nah, brother, I've got another idea for you.

So my point being… I just slithered back from Greece and boy, oh boy, I got some hot shit for you. So what I'm saying is I disagree. It's not as common as a name as you may think. Right. I don't know who you grew up with but I've never heard of that name.

Okay. Either as a first name or a last name. Yeah. You know what? Let's just agree to disagree on this one. Well, I'd rather agree to be honest. You know what? I don't like to go to sleep mad. I'd rather agree to be honest i don't know you know what i don't like to go to sleep mad i don't like to finish a podcast never right yeah never let the sunset on an argument never let the zoom turn off on an argument yeah yeah never say cm8s on an argument well i reckon what would be fitting is for us to um you know pay our respect and uh

and thank this person at the same time you know say something now that i've said many many times in my life okay three two one thanks anal thanks anal i really didn't know what you were gonna say then obviously all right well i'm just i hope we said enough about him because you know sometimes you get a bit of a complaint that you know oh you read my name out but you didn't say that much

so anal comedy let me know if that was enough yep write in yeah write in and we'll do nothing about it

I guess maybe well there's not really anything we can do we can't it's a bit of a boring name so we can't go back in and redo this bit

and you know re-upload the ep or anything sometimes it's just what it is. Sometimes you get a plain name and you can't do much with it, I guess. Yep. Yeah. So I can't – But, you know, we sit here and we spin plates and we do whatever we can,

and sometimes we're lucky if we get anything out. But, you know, we try our darndest, and I think we've done that here. Yeah, look, the Godsmolder promise with, you know, Ostranay. Yep. You can't get two of them in one reading. Exactly. Yeah. And that was, like, the first one. Yeah yeah all those dozens and dozens of names ago yeah so it was

felt like we we knew from then it's like this is as good as it's gonna get yeah and uh yeah look just a shame that maybe the roles weren't reversed and we start off with a with a you know a bit of a bland one that no one would have to remember by the end but But unfortunately, we got stuck with the dud one at the end, and that's the way we've got to finish this week. That's the way the cookie crumbles, folks. Well, that is it for another week here in at Podcast Central. Heaps of stuff coming up. LittleDumbDumbClub.com.

Come check out the solo shows. Come see us live if we are playing near you. Make the trip over to Serbia. It's going to be good shit. Look, that's the selling point for Serbia is that we are going, because of Milan, Milan is going to be on stage with us. Yep. He is going to, this is the biggest moment of his life.

Yeah. Finally getting us over to Serbia and getting to show off. Yep. Getting to show off in all sorts of ways that he's brought us over to Serbia. He gets to show off to Serbians. And then he gets to show off to us that we're in his hometown. He's going to bring all these people in, make this fucking party happen. We're finally going to see this crazy Belgrade party scene that he's always been talking about.

Yep. Be great if we get there and it's just real boring. It does sound unusual. The way he's described it to me, it does sound unusual. What, the venue or the city? Just how it all works. he's like i think this place is like i've deliberately not looked up anything about belgrade because i have absolutely no idea what to expect and i want to leave it as like i turn up and just even visually have no idea what well it's a good idea i'm walking into i have

had not no time to look it up so I've done the same thing but unintentionally. But he's told me about going to nightclubs before in just buildings that aren't usually occupied. And you just go through six levels of abandoned building and all of a sudden you find this fucking nightclub on the seventh floor. It's like, oh, yeah, this is here tonight. Japan's a little bit like that. There's bars in apartment buildings where they're just residential. And then right down the end, it's like, yeah, that's a bar. Okay.

Yeah. No, but I'm saying this is like abandoned buildings. Anyway, yeah, come over. Let us know if you're coming. Come over. LittleDumbDumbClub.com. If you are in Melbourne and listening to this hot off the press, we'll see you at the Drunk Cast this weekend.

Yeah. Until then, we will see you next time. See you, mate. Thanks, anal.