The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 452 - Do Go On's Dave Warneke, Jess Perkins & Matt Stewart

Episode Date: June 5, 2019

We're one week out from the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival, so we're joined by our Festival guests - the hosts of DO GO ON, DAVE WARNEKE, JESS PERKINS & MATT STEWART! We alleviate some of their fears about mixing with our audience, suggest topics for their podcast and give some travel tips for our upcoming trip. PLUS Tommy's embarrassed himself at the gym and Chandler had multiple meltdowns in London. If you enjoyed this episode go and check us out on this weeks episode of Do Go On!KOH SAMUI! Come join us for a huge week of shows at an amazing resort. June 11 - 16. SYDNEY! Big live podcast and stand-up show. July 27, 7:30pm.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with special guests Dave Warnicke, Matt Stewart and Jess Perkins from the podcast Do Go On. This is it. This is the pre-Kosomui International Podcast Festival episode. Get into this and enjoy listening to our guests who are going to be with us at the festival. If you want to come see us live in other parts of the world, we are going to be in Sydney July the 27th at the Giant Dwarf Theatre. It's a podcast with stand-up attached to it. There's also a bunch of announcements to come pretty soon in the near future. So littledumbdumbclub.com. Keep your eyes on all that stuff.

All the social media is the best way to find out what we're doing. And your last tiny plug for Koh Samui. It is not too late. Be the last person to decide to go to Costa Mui. When you're listening to this, you have got, what, six days, five days, something like that to go until the festival starts. So do it. Be the last person.

Be the person who breaks up with the partner, breaks up, quits the job, whatever it is, do whatever you need to do to be the last person and you'll get like a free cocktail, I believe. Yeah, something like that. Pause this now, book all the flights and a comm, then listen to this episode and go, oh, I hate this. I've made a huge mistake. Yes, please. And if you do that, you get two cocktails. Yeah. Anyway, great episode with the folks from DoGoOn, so enjoy this episode. Hey mates, welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week.

Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. With me as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day Dickhead. Special off-site episode this week for us. How are you feeling? I'm very good, thank you for asking. We're in a proper studio, sort of. Does this sound a little bit different?

It sounds a little bit different in my ears. We're not just in your wankporium or whatever you call your house. Masturbatorium, sorry. Masturbatorium, yeah. Have I told you the story behind that, by the way? I'll tell it when we get the guests in. I can probably guess where the story's going, to be honest. I could probably tell the story right now without knowing.

It shows how little I think of your powers of perception. Do you get what this is about, or is it a little bit highfalutin for you? Tell me how it got this name, Tommy. Well, when people hear this, we are about a week away from the beginning of the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival. If you're hearing this fresh off the presses. If you're hearing this fresh off the airwaves. So we thought we would get in

some guests today on the show who are going to be joining us in Koh Samui from the podcast Do Go On. We have Dave Warnicke, Jess Perkins and Matt Stewart. Now you guys are signed up. You are coming over as our guests of the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival. That being said, at this point, Dave Anthony still hadn't officially told us he wasn't coming last year.

So not holding out hope, to be honest. How late was the pullout? Gee, what was it? No, it wasn't that close to the event. It's become a joke that we say that he never actually told us. Yeah, he didn't. He didn't really. He didn't tell us until we asked.

We said, by the way, are you coming? And he went, no. Yeah, and there was listeners of The Doll that were saying to us, are they still coming? Because they used to advertise that they were coming, and then they stopped advertising that they were coming. And that was their way of breaking up with us. Not advertising the podcast festival.

Just ghosting you. Yes. I'll get a message you on Sunday, the day that I leave and just be like, hey, look. Look, usually I hate the idea of seeing on social media people with the beer and the boarding pass and the passport, but I'll be very happy to see pictures of all three of yours.

We'll be flying to Thailand. So we were just talking on, because we just did an episode of your show, Do Go On, which people can, I don't know, I assume it's up now at the same time, whatever, people can listen to that. It's on Wednesday. Same as us. So people can listen to that one. We're up against you in the schedule.

Head to head. For any big fans of listening to things chronologically out there, maybe you're best to pause this and go back and listen to Do Go On first. Or we can be professional and just not refer to anything we referred to in that episode. No, but some people just like to know that they're listening to the things in the order that they have them. Some people are able to. Just like when you talked the things in the order that they have them. Some people are able to understand. Just like when you talked about Wobbsy McGiven half an hour ago.

Bloody Wobbsy's at it again, isn't he? As he would say, floozle-flozzle. Man, that gets me every time. So your podcast is you do a report on a subject each week and we were just grilling you about what you're going to do for the shows in Thailand, and you haven't worked it out.

You were going to ask us what we should do. Because I believe a lot of the people there are going to be Dum Dum Club listeners. We hope so. So maybe you would know what kind of topics they might be interested in. That's sort of what happens at our live show. People that listen to this show come to it. Okay.

Ours is mostly administrative errors. They just turn up. Guys, we're going to tell you all about the life of Elvis Presley now. Yeah. What topics would our listeners be interested in? Well, you know what? I think, you know, look, you're right. The majority of people there, we announced the festival well before we announced you guys were coming,

so a lot of people will be purely coming for us. I feel like the vibes I got from at least Dave early on were you guys were a bit nervous about mixing with our people. That's fair because so are we. Because this year at the Melbourne Comedy Festival, we did back-to-back shows with you guys. So you guys were on like 3 o'clock in the afternoon. We were at 4.30.

And it is very interesting to look at your listeners and then look at our listeners. Because your listeners are very clean-cut, very nice, very presentable. Look, they're on the verge of trying to tell me about Mormonism. Yes. But our listeners look like they would flush your listeners' head down the hall. It's the book club backed up by the monster truck rally. Yes, yes, totally. And I don't know who would be more scared,

you playing to our listeners or us playing to your listeners, because I think you guys would be up there going, well, here's the life of Solomon Burke. And now people are like, fucking just say cunt. And they're just throwing logs of wood at you or us who are up there going, fucking fuck you and fuck you. And then just a bunch of nice people going, why do they have to talk like that? Yeah, us going, yeah, kill yourself. And then everyone starts crying.

they have to talk like? Yeah, us going, yeah, kill yourself, and then everyone starts crying. This feels good because Dave brought in a rule about a couple of months into Do Go On that we couldn't say cunt on the show. So that felt real nice. Oh, great. It feels good to say, doesn't it? Yeah. Oh, yeah, on someone else's show, all right.

Yeah. Oh, muddy. I just want to say, to put it this way, so Carl, you and I worked together at the project sometimes, and the day after it was announced that we were going, Josh Earl also writes I just wanted to say, to put it this way So Carl, you and I work together at the project sometimes And the day after it was announced that we were going Josh Earle also writes on the show And he came in and he said I think he said to Peter Hellyer

He said, I did hear Dave's going to die in Thailand Great I was like, oh great Because the listeners of our show Have been very familiar with Thailand for a long time when we set this thing up. And so we've been talking about it a lot. So it makes a lot of sense to kind of, if you're a fan of this podcast and you want to go on a holiday, to follow it to Thailand.

Whereas you guys have talked about it on your show. And for any of your listeners that aren't familiar with our show, I think they've kind of heard that and gone, so hang on, why are you going to the beach? Very much so. You must just get a lot of comments like that. There's absolutely no back story. It's just like we're going to Thailand and we're saying that to Australian listeners

and they're like, yeah, of course we're going to go. You're going, why don't you come to Thailand? People are like, why the fuck would we spend our holiday? Don't you do shows in Melbourne where I live? I'll just see you there. I think we've had more people going, you're going to Thailand before you come to Perth right understandably so many people from Perth and Hobart that are so pissed off are you fucking kidding me we get a lot we get more listeners going you refuse to go to Adelaide but you're going to Thailand and I'm like what about that

don't you get we had um so I've got like a little official Facebook page, fan page for the festival. And so I get, there's a little bit of action on that page. I got a message a couple of weeks ago saying, oh, yeah, great. Look, can I come along? I'm going to come along. I'm going to grab a ticket. Is that fine?

But, you know, I guess I should say at this point, we've sort of said to everyone, you've got to stay at the official hotel resort of the podcast festival, which is the beautiful Ozo Choeing Samui, or its sister hotel, the Amari. So that's what we say. You've got to stay there, and that's where all the action's happening, whatever.

So this person hit us up and went, look, my parents actually have a house in Koh Samui. Oh, okay. And I was like, awesome. And he's like, yeah, so look, is it okay if I don't stay at the Ozone? Because that would be sort of pretty crazy. I've already got a house. Yeah.

Can I stay there instead? And then I was like, fuck yeah, as long as we can come and get fuck-eyed in your fucking mum and dad's house, that'd be fucking bring some slabs and get fucked up. And then this guy was like, what? And I'm like, yeah, you know, hey, dickhead. And he's like, oh, sorry, I don't listen to Dumb N' Roses. I listen to Do Go On. Why are you calling me a dickhead?

Yeah, this is Dave from Do Go On, you cunt. That's the best. Because we usually reply with, hello, good sir. Thank you for your correspondence. Yes. You write a quill. You use a quill on the computer screen for some reason. You've got your pinky extended as your time message.

Yeah. And then after all that, I'm like, oh, I'm so sorry. And he's like, oh, that's okay. You're fine. Come around to my house. That's fine that I'm like oh I'm so sorry And he's like Oh that's okay You're quite You know you're fine Come around to my house That's fine I'm like

Alright then I wonder if he started Listening to us Off the back of that I don't know I don't know Has he confirmed Can we go around

He at the end He said yes Like I'll go back to him now Because that is good news Because he actually sent me A link to say He messaged our Facebook page As well saying

Hey I want to come along And he's like Oh and he actually said You should come round To us Oh really did he really And then he sent me a link To the actual He messaged our Facebook page as well saying, hey, I want to come along. And he's like, oh, and he actually said you should come round to us. Oh, really? Did he really? And then he sent me a link to the actual, they rented out on Airbnb as well.

He's actually said to show I'm not a weirdo. This is a real thing with reviews or whatever. And does it look good? It has a pool. Yes. I mean, we are staying at a resort. We're putting you up. It has a pool.

You know, it's one of those sort of villa-style backyard pools. It looks beautiful. I think growing up in Melbourne, anywhere with a pool seems fancy. Yeah. Because they're so unnecessary. Are they above ground or in ground in Thailand? They're not fucking Clark's pools. They're not shitty Clark's pools.

They're all implantable. Leslie, where do you think you're going? I'd love to see a mental image in your head of what your holiday is going to be We're not putting you in a tent with a slip and slide out the front of it It's a nice joint Oh cool, that sounds great Have you looked at any of the information we gave you? I should do that, I should have a quick look. Fucking hell.

So when you say we'll be swimming each day, you mean we're just going along a crocodile mile? You're just going to rock up a telemarine with your passport and where are you off to, sir? I don't know, wherever Tommy said. Can you ring Tommy? Have you got his number? No.

You guys know Tommy? The guy from that radio thing. We found out on your show before that you haven't checked over any of the flight details that I sent you. No, and you reckon I should do that? Still, I cannot stress this enough. I'm really going to have to insist on this. Is your mum...

How were you raised, I guess, is the question I'm looking for. Very well. Really? Thank you. Thanks for asking. Is your mum the sort of person that would stress that knowing that you haven't checked your flight details yet? No, no. I'm kind of a go with the flow kind of guy.

Right, okay. Things always work out. Right, okay. Until this week. In nearly four years, we've never seen Matt lose his cool about anything. Really? You're always so calm, and sometimes Jess and I are freaking out. Matt's too calm.

At the live show, one time we were in Birmingham, and the tech wasn't working, and I'm freaking out, and Matt's just like, eh, I think I'm going to go get a pie or something. There's one way of saying, oh, that's cool, that's calm, but that's annoying. Yeah, yeah. Like something's going wrong.

You should be sort of upset, shouldn't you? Yeah, probably. And, yeah, I reckon you could feel that Dave was thinking that too. Right, yeah, you're right. But are you internally freaking out and you just don't show it or are you thinking like, well, other people are stressing so there's no good comes from me losing my mind? Normally, I mean, in that scenario, I didn't know what,

I couldn't fix the problem. Right. And the big problem. That's a very zen way of looking at it. Well, I can't fix it, so who gives a fuck? So time to have a pie. I'm hungry. Worst thing that could have happened was we didn't record that episode.

We still do the show. It's not the end of the world. Yeah, true. Steve records all episodes on his phone in his pocket while we record live shows. That's a backup that no one has ever heard. Are you doing it now? Yeah, I record all the time. Is that just you being a creep and recording conversations though?

Yeah. Is it just constantly on all the time? Matt just noticed it once and I was like, oh, no, it's just all the time. Is that just you being a creep and recording conversations, though? Yeah. Is it just constantly on all the time? Matt just noticed it once and I was like, oh, no, it's just for the show. It's the backup. Is this a way of you telling us that you work for the feds and you're just wearing a wire all the time? No, you do look like a narc. Yeah.

You do have a very narc quality about you. You do because you do look quite young. This is sort of like a 21 Jump Street sort of situation, isn't it? You're just trying to infiltrate the youth, which we are not the youth. Hey, cool cats with your podcast. I had a doctor yesterday. I had to go get a hepatitis A vaccination. Hepatitis.

Hepatitis A. I'm talking here. Hey, I'm trying to get a vaccine here. Chuck it into my armour. And anyway, she said, you only need to get this type of vaccination if you are born after 1966. Then she pauses and looks at me and goes,

are you born after 1966? Wow. Jesus Christ. Wow. You were born in 1990. And my record is in front of her Right in front of her Right

I think that's a very weird thing Because I could believe it if she said Were you born after 1996? But I don't know about 1966 1966 Now that I'm thinking about it You do have a bit of a look That you could go either way

I mean sexually So what I'm trying to say is Will you have sex with me? That's what she was saying. Yeah. Okay. Well, now that you've got the vaccine, I know you're all good. And is that all you had to get?

Did you only have to get Hep A? Do you have to get anything? Because I never get anything. Do you ever get anything when you go over? No. Yeah, you're riddled with hepatitis. Look at you. Scabs all over your face.

Yeah, but I thought that was getting hepatitis by getting the shot done. Oh, you get a little mini dose of it. Right. She also had hepatitis B because she goes, oh, hepatitis B, that's the one where you can get that through bodily fluids for exchange of blood, saliva, or... If you want to do it now. I think she said intercourse, paused and said, that's sex.

She's really not, she can't read you at all. She can't read me at all She can't read me at all Sorry are you keeping up with this Dave that won't be happening Are you a really old virgin That's the vibe I'm getting from you If you're born after 66 And a virgin

Give up That's what she was saying I think my doctor was too cautious Because I went to her with like This is where I'm going What do I need And I got tetanus Hep A

Flu And typhoid. Cost me 200 bucks. Wow. And she was like, what are you doing over there? And I was like, fuck, that's the worst question. Anytime somebody says, what do you do? Yes, holiday. Oh, no.

I said, oh, a bit of work. And she was like, oh, surely work will pay for it. And I was like, bitch, I work for myself. I'm paying for it, yes. Lady, I am a drug trafficker, okay? I don't have rights. Full kudos to you calling a doctor a bitch. That's very cool.

She just stabbed me in the arm. Please, it's doctor bitch. Look at that certificate on the wall. That's a good... So we're trying to put out... A thing that we're trying to get going on the show at the moment is that we want to do a pitch for the worst sketch show. So we're going to make a deliberately bad sketch

because we think most things that are on TV are so shit that if you try and make something good, it won't get up. And also it hurts you if you put your heart and soul into a project and then someone says, it's no good. It breaks your heart. But if you make the shittest thing, even if they say it's shit, you go, no shit. It's supposed to be shit. But if they say yes it's shit, you go, no shit. Yeah. It's supposed to be shit.

Yeah. But if they say yes, you go, cool, we've got a thing now. Yeah. So we're trying to make the, so we've got some,

we're working on a sketch show, it's called The Funny Fellas. Funny and Fellas, both spelt P-H, instead of with an F. And we've got, what are the characters we've got? We've got Stone Santa.

Stone Santa. Stone Santa is one of the characters. Very funny. Yeah. We've got another great character that we came up with the other day. Imagine Stone Santa. Just imagine.

I'm laughing already. The possibilities are endless. I'm ho-ho-ho. Wait, can we have that? Can we have that? That's ours. This is on our show, isn't it? It's ours now.

We've got another character that came up on something that we've recorded that won't be out for another week. I've just realised. Do you know the one I'm talking about? I can't remember. Well, that's a little bit of Sizzle. Sizzle. Next week's edition of Talking Dumb Dumb.

But Dr. Bitch is a great one. That's going to fit right in in the roster. I am available. Characters for the funny fellas. And is it one of those little British style sketches where it's every week but it's always the same joke? Right, right. I could only assume.

You're in a food court. Food for bitch. That's doctor bitch. Canned laughter. The funny fellas present Little Australia. You pushing me around in a wheelchair. That's just the bit where we're playing ourselves.

Right. Well, Dave and Jess you both told anecdotes about going to the doctors to get ready for the trip. We won't bother asking Matt about it because he clearly has not done one bit of fucking work.

He has not gone to a doctor. He was the one who got me on to get a shot. I actually kicked it off, yeah. I completely forgot. I was going to say, are you trying to get immunised on the plane when the drink's coming?

Is there any typhoid in there? He's like rolling up his sleeve already. She's like, no. Can I get a Coke and a syringe? Is that the only thing? Is that a thing? Yeah, you kicked it all off. Well, I just happened to be getting a flu shot and I said, oh, actually, I'm going overseas.

Do I need anything? And I'm like, I'm assuming Tommy and Carl would have told me if I needed something. But they haven't. But I'll check with this doctor for a second opinion and I said oh yeah definitely should get hepatitis Really?

And typhoid whatever what is typhoid? Does anyone know? You just don't want to get it Well it's in me now I should have looked into it It sounds like typhoon

which is not a bad thing Honestly yeah every time I hear it I think of that I'm like I just picture myself just getting fucking devastated by a massive wave or gust of wind going, yeah, that sounds brutal.

You should get immunised against that. That'd be great if that's what you thought it was. You got a typhoid injection and then you saw wind over the ocean going, I don't have to worry about that. I've got the injection. I don't have to worry about any hurricanes. I'm like Storm from the X-Men now. I can just stop it in its tracks.

I think you get it from undercooked meat. They know how to cook meat over there. As long as you don't mind buying chicken on the beach. Yeah, it's completely A1 over there. I've been doing some research, listening back to a bunch of episodes. Of our episodes? Of your episodes. Yes.

You should do the report on your show in Samui about our show yes I would get our audience listening if you've already done the research already yeah I could do that no don't do that that's horrible I'm only looking out for you I've got what have I got 450

episodes yeah exactly you're in the middle of one now so you're doing the research already this is, this is good. Efficient. One 452nd of them or whatever it is, whatever the fraction would be. You could do a report on the Melbourne Zoo because you'll have a key expert there, my dad, who designed a bunch of shit at the zoo. He's going to be at the festival.

He designed a zebra. Yeah. Whoa. He's like, what if a horse looked fucked up? What if a horse looked like that crossing? That's so good. He'll be there. So, yeah, he did all the monkey stuff at the zoo.

I should get him on my spin-off podcast, Primates. Yeah. You have a podcast about chimp, chimp-related things. Yeah. That's gone for 50 episodes Wow Yeah No one can believe that

You must be running out of chimp related things to talk about I've not done a King Kong movie yet Wow Or most of the Planet of the Apes I think you're not doing your job very well Yeah I know Yeah What has made the cut at 50 eps

If King Kong and Planet of the Apes haven't come up? If I said to someone, name a monkey, they would say King Kong. That's the most identifiable thing about monkeys in the world, and you haven't even thought to bring that into it yet? I'm like, I'll keep it up my sleeve. But, yeah, I've done two different most valuable primate films, which are films by the people who made that dog playing basketball series.

Air Bud. Oh, right, right dog playing basketball series. Air Bud. Oh, right, right, right. We love Air Bud. We've done two of those and no King Kong. Is there a movie called that, MVP? Yeah. It's a trilogy. Right.

Most Valuable Primate, Most Vertical Primate, and then Most something else. Voluptuous Primate. There we go. There's another one for the funny girls. MVP. Monkey with big tits Oh look at the King Kongs on her

This stuff writes itself Look at her climbing the Empire State I can look up her dress Have you done Donkey Kong? Yeah done Donkey Kong Yeah that would have been crazy If you hadn't have done that Done Donkey Kong And then a film about Have you seen The King of Kong? Yeah, done Donkey Kong. Yeah, that would have been crazy if you hadn't have done that. Done Donkey Kong and then a film about, have you seen The King of Kong?

Yeah, yeah, that's a great movie. It's the best documentary ever. Have you done Dunstan Checks In? Yes. Okay. All right. All right, now we're back on. Now you respect me again.

Have you done The Band of Monkeys? Yes, that's this week's episode. All right, well, I could have done four episodes of this show at this point. I think I'd be out of ideas by now. I would have got my dad in for a nap. It's without even Googling. Yeah. You know, so you're doing very well.

Matt relies quite heavily on Google. Yeah, I really do. I lean on the computer. Movies about monkeys. And Jess, how's your podcast Crocodile Rock going? So far we've done... Crocodile Rock the song. And we're doing episode two next week, if I can think of anything.

That's incredible. And that's the theme song as well. So you come off the back and we go, interesting little story about that theme song. That reminds me of something, this show. But Samui, so you guys excited? Yeah. Excited slash nervous or no nerves? I've only been to Thailand once.

And I've been thinking about this a lot lately because I went with my family, my mum and dad and me, and my sister didn't go for some reason. And when I was in year eight, so I was 14, and we went for a week, and we just stayed in Bangkok for a week, and I still don't know where my family went. Yeah, right. That's a long time to be in Bangkok. Yeah.

Also, so hang on, your sister didn't go, and she's how much older than you? Two or three years? Three years older. So she was 17. Yeah. Also, so hang on, your sister didn't go, and she's how much older than you? Two or three years? Three years older. So she was 17. Yeah. Yeah, no shit she didn't go. She had the house to herself.

Oh, hell yes. That's the dream. But having said that, going as a 17-year-old in Bangkok, that's surely attractive as well as a 17-year-old. Well, no, you'd think so. No, but with your family. Yeah, because my boyfriend was travelling with his parents when he was about 18 and left early.

They were like, we're going to Italy. He's like, I'm going back to Sydney, just so that he'd have the house to himself so he could smoke pot alone. Yes. He was like, no, I don't want to go to Italy with mum and dad. 18. Right.

Don't want a free trip to Italy. Yeah, yeah, right. Amazing. So Dave's gone to Bangkok as a kid Yeah This is someone I've found Getting to know Dave and Jess To go on over the last few years They grew up wealthy

Right And they went overseas On overseas holidays all the time I don't think I did Until I was an adult I definitely didn't I didn't go on a plane Until I was 26 or 27 I reckon

Right yeah I think I was up to I think my a plane until I was 26 or 27, I reckon. Right, yeah. I think I was up to, I think my first time overseas I was 22. But I realised, remembered recently, so when they were going to Disneyland and stuff, I just saw some family photos last week. One time my family took us to an open day at Hazelwood Coal Power Plant. And we left with show bags near Mowi in Gippsland. Oh, wow.

So like an hour away from Mowi. Yeah. So we went. Show bags with some free electricity in them. There were lumps of coals literally in the bags. Wow, really? So I think that if people who don't know us, that's sort of the difference between me and Dada.

We've come from different places. Are you sure this isn't just a memory of a Christmas where you'd been particularly naughty? Yeah, that does make sense now that I look at Dave and Jess who are wearing tuxedos and you're wearing a barrel with nothing underneath it. Just want a bit of context there.

I don't like wearing a barrel. Well, you're dressed for the job you want. Barrel boy. That is a weird picture of someone who doesn't have any money, though, isn't it? A barrel. The only thing you can wear is a thing that's not very wearable at all. Sell the barrel. That's got to be worth a fair bit. Well, you've found...

Be nude and sell the barrel. How do you think we afford these tuxedos? But, like, you've found a barrel. You go, okay, I'm going to wear this instead. That's already a fucking bizarre idea. But then you've found straps barrel. You go, okay, I'm going to wear this instead. That's already a fucking bizarre idea. But then you've found straps. The straps are the hard bit. The straps is the weird thing.

Are you going to a tailor? If you can find a barrel and straps, you're fucking smart enough to find clothes. Yeah. That's a lot of effort. Yeah. Just to really look like you have no money. Yeah. You're doing that on purpose.

And to make it more obvious that you're naked under that barrel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's very clear. You like being in the barrel, let's be honest. Yes, I don't want to say you deserve this. It's your own portable wankorium, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yes. Yeah, the barrel where you've cut a glory hole in.

It sucks just to see dicks hanging. No one will know who's on the other side of this. Yeah, and you look at this guy with a barrel with a hole in it and you're like, that poor guy, and then he walks into his mansion. Oh, no. He's just a creepy fan. Which refers back to the start of the show when, Tommy, you had a story that you wanted to tell us.

Oh, so I... The mystery behind the name Masturbatorium. Let's all guess. No, so I... What's your guess, Dave? Oh. Where do you think the name came from? Your neighbour Master Batorium came by on day one of you moving in.

First name Master. Not Master either. He says Master. That's the way I would have played it as well. You're right, Jess. Because you've referred to my house as that a couple of times. And is that because you've heard me refer to it as that? Or is that just...

Is that because you've heard me wanking in there? Don't jump ahead in the story. Carl goes to knock on the door and then he's like, hang on a sec. I can hear Tommy just finishing up. I'll just give him a few moments. How loudly are you wanking? That's a very personal question, Dave. No, I didn't hear you.

I just saw the sign on the doorknob that says, don't bother knocking if you hear me a flogger. No, I haven't referred. I don't think I created that name. I think another guest did, and I've just jumped on the back of it. Oh, okay. So at the end of last year, the gym that I go to, the F45, or the F45 that I went to at the time had an end of year drinks

and I went along thinking F45 to people overseas is like a interval training, 45 minute long classes. And you're a big devotee of this. I am, yeah I'm a big, yeah I love it I'm one of those people now that's like

trying to get other people into it it's disgusting, it is a cult and I went in going, I'm not doing those people now that's trying to get other people into it. It's disgusting. It is a cult. I went in going, I'm not doing the high fives that they do after class. I'm not buying into any of that shit. Oh, is it high fives? Yeah, you get to the end and now I'm like, I love it. You love the high fives?

I love the high fives. Oh, God. Yeah. The exercising is just to get to the physical contact. That training club sounds like a wanker room to me. Yeah, it really, really is. But, yeah, so I went to the end of year drinks that the gym that I was at, a member at at the time, had and thought, yeah, I'll just.

Interesting because I've seen those, like, social things come up at the gym that I go to and go, absolutely not. No, my worst nightmare. Yeah, I just kind of thought I'll pop in for like an hour and i don't know because i get i got on with like a lot of the trainers and had had brief conversations with people around the place and sort of thought oh you know this whatever i'll go for like an hour you know and then i was going to go on to something else i wasn't planning to drink get there get into a good group of people good conversation i'm like i'm having a good time.

I'm going to cancel the thing I was meant to go to afterwards. Have a few drinks. End up getting absolutely fuck-eyed with a couple of members of the gym. Hang on, members of the gym as in people like you that are just training or staff members? No, people like me who are just training. Yeah, there was a group of three of us on the hunt for gear at, like, 8pm on a Sunday at a social drinks for a gym, like, literally waiting out the front of bathrooms

for people to come out and going, what were you doing in there? Like, trying to get gear off other people that are at the gym and, like, people coming out and going, I'm a trainer at this gym. Like, of course I'm not doing cocaine at this event. Stop trying to do lines of that chalk that you put on your hand so you can lift up weights.

That's not for that. Going in for the high five, but, like, I'm trying to grab a bag out of here. Like, no, you've misread what I was going for here. Were people coming out and saying, I just did a shit? What were you doing in there? I was doing a shit, why? Yeah, chop me out come on makes me look like i'm an alien that's just gotten to earth like i'm just trying to work out what happens

in every different room i can find but then so then yeah i get pretty fucked and then the next day just having snippets of conversations that i was in you know those like little flashbacks you have oh and just and just this flash of me saying to someone that I just met that night, this snippet of conversation that makes my skin crawl when I think about it, logging on to myself going, yeah, you know what, since I moved out of a share house and in myself, I've been going on a real beating off renaissance. It is an absolute masturbatorium round at my place at the moment.

Just waking up in a cold chill. And it's a Monday morning as well. What a fucking start to the week. That's the end of the high fives. Anyway, I'm at a different gym now. Because I moved house, unrelated. So, hang on. Were you saying that to a male or a female person?

I imagine you use that line all throughout the night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which one do you think would be worse? And then I'll give my answer. Saying it to a lady would be worse. That's interesting. Jesus. Jesus That is Yeah look

I understand why you've got those chills up your spine When you tell that story Oh I feel like I've developed abs Just off the back of the amount of cringing I've done Off that story You don't need to go to F45 anymore You're doing your own workout It's all kind of worked out

Yeah it's truly disgusting stuff by me and I really am deeply ashamed. And then what better way to combat that shame than by putting it out into a public forum? Oh, thank you for using our podcast as a confessional. Yeah, that's what this is, isn't it? Yes. Are you meant to, is this, because I'm looking at you through the other side of the, you know, your,

through the mesh window thing. I forgive you, my son. Thank you. And if you can clean up that booth after you leave, that would really help us all out here at the church. The Koso Mui, it's not shared rooms. Thin walls, though. You guys get there and it's just a big dorm that we've got you in.

That would be rough. We looked up one time on a Patreon episode the cheapest way you can go to Koh Samui, which is like your dorms. That's right. There's dorms. Or we had a fleeting fantasy of going, you know, one night, let's go as cheap as we can but without doing a dorm. So the cheapest way you can go is a tent that's on the beach, which is like just a shitty tent.

I've seen it. I've actually. Is there one tent? No, I think there's like three. Whoa, you've seen the tent? Yeah, I've seen it. I checked it out. The actual tent.

This isn't just a story about you being in Rays Outdoors. No, no, no, no, no. That's for another time. I've seen the actual tent and it's $10 or $12 to stay there for the night, which you go, that's actually a lot to stay in a tent in Thailand. I reckon that's actually a bit of a rip-off. My favourite part of the listing was that the tent has Wi-Fi. So it's like that tent, but getting internet included,

that's where most of the $10 is. Yes, yes. If they didn't have a wireless router in there, then I reckon you're looking at $4. So, Dave, you are going to Thailand a couple of days early. Yes. So we're all staying at the Ozo and the Amari in Koh Samui, but you're going a little bit early, and I've recommended that you stay – you wanted another place to go to a couple of days early.

I've got to tell you, Carl's recommendations were amazing. I said, oh, not sure where to stay. Two minutes later, I had about 19 Facebook messages listing absolutely everything. If this is what you want, this is what you want. And I'm like, oh, the first one looks good. I'm pretty sure I just went with that one. Why didn't I do this as my topic on your Do Go On podcast that we just recorded? You know them all.

The accommodation and food in Koh Samui. Also, these 19 recommendations are all coming in on a day when you're both at the project together. It's like, cunt, you're at the next desk. Come over. Just tell me about it. So you're staying at a place that I've stayed at. It's a very nice place.

It's called – no, I won't give it away. That's right. We don't want the paps. Okay, we'll say it. All right, we'll say it. I've stayed there before. It's called The Code. And that is not a code name. Yes, yes, that'll say it. All right, we'll say it. I've stayed there before. It's called The Code. And that is not a code name.

Yes, yes, that's the actual name. It's up in the northwest of the island, unlike Chewang where we're staying the rest of the time, which is down in the east. It is at the top of the hill. It's a nearly five-star hotel, and it's really cheap because it's really far away from everything else, which everything gets to be cheaper if you're not in the main drag,

main street. So you're staying up there Now it is directly at the top of the hill If you go directly down the bottom of the hill That's where the tents are So you can go and check out the tents You can do the reality tour of this episode That we're currently doing

If you get up there And you're up the top of the hill In your beautiful five star resort And you feel like slumming it for a night You can just leave that go and go down the bottom Or maybe Matt can go over a couple of days early and he can stay in the tent. Come on over.

Could I? And you can go and visit each other during the day. You've got to get a photo at least. Yeah, what do you reckon? If I sling him $2, do you reckon that's enough for me to ask to get a selfie in the tent and then connect to Wi-Fi?

And then upload that selfie from within the tent. That's nice if you go there and start to try and barter with him. Oh, is that $10 for the tent? I'll give you $6. $6? Yeah. Give me an hour in the tent. Yeah, is that $10 for the tent? I'll give you $6. Give me an hour in the tent. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

An hour and you've got to do like a live video on Facebook. If you're asking for an hour in the tent, there's more questions. Do not come and knock on it. That's like the Thai version of the Japanese love hotels. It's the Thai tent. $6 for an hour in your masturbatorium. I mean tent, please.

And just during the day as well. It's like people are just eating dinner next to you and sunbathing and you can just hear this tent rocking. It's really going to rock. So if you go down the bottom of that hill and there's a beautiful restaurant. They're a very cheap restaurant. It's very nice and you're sitting on the beach or whatever and there are tents next door. That is exciting.

So if you want to have a nap in the tent, it might be a $12 nap. $12 nap. I think that sounds pretty worth it. It's pretty... It's not a very good place to stay, I think. I think the romantic version of staying in a tent on a beach sounds really nice. It's very humid,

and those, they're like canvas tents. It would be fucking hell-holy, I think. Yeah, we looked... They had pictures on that listing, didn't they? And the tents lookeded like complete shit Yes Yeah They weren't nice tents

Yeah It's the I camp You go to the Meredith Music Festival It's the Every year it's the same It's cold

Overnight I imagine it's similar But as soon as the sun breaks It feels like it's 100 degrees It's not cold overnight That's the thing Right

Yeah No it stays You're still in shorts And a t-shirt. Oh, yeah. I should ask about these things. What should I be packing? Have you been to Thailand before?

I have, yeah. When's my flight? Another good question. All right, here's my tips. Here's my tips to everyone that I give when people ask is you bring sunscreen from home. That's one of the few things you bring because it's quite expensive over there. It's one of the few expensive things. Wine is expensive over there, so don't bring your wine.

So bring your goon with you. Oh, man. So someone hit me up last week, right? And everyone's got my phone number for whatever reason. And so someone hit me up. And it was a listener that's coming to the festival. But it wasn't the listener hitting me up. It was the listener's partner.

So the partner hit me up and went, hi, whoever you are uh my husband we're going to thailand for some reason my partner said if i if i had any questions just to text this number and find out answers from this number like a thai hotline yeah uh and so she was asking me going oh so what do i do over there what what can i what's what's fun to do and it's like wow this is so much harder than just Googling what's to do and go to me. But anyway, I'm copying it. So I'm sending off suggestions and whatever. I bet you were. Yes.

19 texts later. Just cut and paste what I sent to you. Send it to her. And then. I thought I heard the sound of knuckles cracking from a couple of sounds away the other day. Nothing I like more. So she ended up, she was like, oh, is there any like cool cocktail

bars or whatever? I'm like, oh, it's sort of not like a cocktail bar sort of place. You just, there's cheap cocktails all over the place. I mean, the majority of them is petrol, but they are very cheap. So you can go and do all that sort of stuff. You can go wherever. How much for this martini?

$5 a litre. Yeah. Why is it coming out of a nozzle? Hang on, hang on. I wanted my martini unleaded, please. Wow, that bows is just like Tom Cruise. It's someone spinning the hose behind the bar, chucking it in the air.

So she's asking a question. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool. Cocktail bars. Right. I just have – and ask a couple of questions. Then go. I just have one more question.

Do they have Bundaberg rum over there? Oh, my God. Oh, you're not allowed to come anymore. You're not allowed to come to my festival anymore. Just – you don't – and I was just – I got angry. I was like, i hope not you're not allowed to have bundaberg rum over there she's like all right i guess i'm getting it from the airport do you have a fear that you're exporting bad australian tourists well that's that's what my mission is like we you know we have a little facebook group where all the all

the people go in there that are coming along and i try and say you're representing australia also it's a beautiful country don't be a cunt over there. Like we're athletes. Yes. Wear the flag with pride, friends. Yes. Be good in those tents. So you've been to Thailand before, Matt?

Yeah, there was a sale a few years ago. Over there? Yeah, over here to go over there. So we stayed for a few nights in Bangkok, but most of the time in Chiang Mai. Okay. Which I couldn't tell you. I think it's inland.

It's inland. And it was a beautiful old, maybe it was an old seat of power or something. I think there was ruins of a castle and stuff, I think. Was it nice? Because I've been to a lot of places in Thailand. I've never been to Chiang Mai because I got scared. I went to go a couple of times and people go, it's not like all the islands and the coastal bits.

It's not as warm. It's not as fun. There's not the beach. Is it good? I really enjoyed it. Yeah, I liked it. I've been too, yeah. It's probably very different.

It didn't feel like a beachy place, but it was hot when I was there. Because there was no beach. Yeah, the lack of beach was the main thing. This studio in many ways doesn't really feel like a beachy place. Oh, yeah. But I really enjoyed it, but I have not been to a Thai beach, so I couldn't compare it to it. Okay.

So, yeah, I'm really not sure what to expect. Well, we need to get the report once we're midway through the festival and you have experienced a Thai beach. I have a funny feeling these trips might be a little different from each other. They're definitely going to be more beachy than that place with no beach. I haven't been to Chiang Mai, but that's my... Chiang Mai, I remember the highlights were sort of markets and the food, and there were cool bars and that sort of stuff.

I had a massage every day. Great. And they were sick. They were like, they do it... It's very different here. They all start with a foot massage right in a tub of water and then it just all seems real nice and it costs way less yes that's my thing it's ruined me for massages here because you go over there you're getting a massage

for eight dollars or whatever for an hour and it's like great and then you come back here and they go no worries seventy dollars and i go no i know that's bad, but no, I'm not paying $70 for something I get for $8. I'd rather just get on a plane and go over there and save that $62 right now. Thank you. I got into a weird spot though because I was there with my partner and so we would just do it every day, tables next to each other basically. We'll do that. I didn't get any last year

and I yeah fucked off about it we've got to put it in the schedule everyone needs to we all need to go on I've never had a massage what

ever don't know how I feel about it I don't know how I'm going to take it and then what do they get for an hour what if I'm five minutes in I'm like you don't have to go

like a full body massage for an hour you can just get a foot massage and that's nice you can go half an hour you can just go neck and shoulders if you want you can pay for the hour an hour is too long I get bored you can pay for the hour and then halfway through you can just get a foot massage and that's nice. You can go half an hour. You can just go neck and shoulders. Or you can pay for the hour.

An hour is too long. I get bored. You can pay for the hour and then halfway through you can just scream and say stop and run out. There's no shackles. You're not handcuffed in. Oh, God. Because I stopped going to a certain barber because they included a head massage with the hair wash. And I did not enjoy it.

Really? But they're not professional masseuses though. I think that's my problem. I do find that very weird. Yeah, they're just sort of like... This isn't a mixed business. You're hair cutters. Yeah, just cut my hair.

There's a two on the side. But it was part of the deal. It said that written down somewhere. Yeah, I bloody hope so. It was $55. Oh, that's huge. Because I had, every day of the trip,

I got to the weird point where six days in, I was halfway through an hour-long massage. I'm like, I'm bored. Really? I've got another half hour of this. I think it's real nice for a little while. It's so relaxing.

But when you start to be in your head going, can't wait till this is over, that's no good. Because I get a lot of like sore like neck and back and tension so it's like going there first time you get one on a holiday

it's like great maybe one or two more but when you're getting it every day it's like you haven't built up any tension in the back

that needs to be released like yeah I had one on the first year that we went where the woman just beat the fucking shit out of me

tell me who it is I'll be there oh man I want to find that that's what I'm chasing she did the shit where she, like, she's got you, like, she's kneeling, and then

she's got you, kind of, like, in a kind of a headlock, and just pulling you right back on her knee. Oh, fuck yeah. That's the stretching. Some of my highlights of Thailand has been very stocky Thai ladies just fucking throwing me against a wall. It's so good any

even just any people that are going any ladies that are attending the festival that just want to just kick the fuck out of me just sign me up I'm down

if you Tommy's just having breakfast if you walk past just throw a chair over whatever it is smash my head into the plate push me down a flight of stairs

call me a stupid little fuck tell me that it's really small and that no one's ever going to love me Push me down a flight of stairs. Call me a stupid little fuck. Tell me that it's really small and that no one's ever going to love me. Shoot him in the head with a bow and arrow. It's all part of the service. Eight dollars an hour. It's cheap, though. Yeah, I think I'm going to have to Google the tie for please be gentle.

Oh, right. So that's, yeah. Right. So I want that That's the dream I want to go and just Get beat the fuck out of My dream is Is that at some point

I'm just whining And the lady's saying Is everything okay I'm like Absolutely Get going I want someone to use Dave to beat the shit

Out of him Picking him up And using him like A wiffle ball bat And Dave's going Am I getting a massage Is this a massage I'm getting here My and using him like a wiffle ball bat. And Dave's going, am I getting a massage? Is this a massage I'm getting here?

My first ever massage experience. This is much more pleasant than the head massage. You've got to get one. You've got to go and get a proper Thai one. But you can get a gentle one. That's okay. And, yeah, I think you are. Masoos will normally say, how's the pressure? I've got this weird thing in my head where I'll always say perfect,

no matter what. I don't know what it is. Like they're asking. They're happy to hear that I want it either way, harder or softer, but I'll always say, perfect, thank you. I don't know, I'm a people pleaser. And then suffer for another 30 minutes. But if they say that, you should just tell them gently.

I'm a bit of a people pleaser as well. I love it. I love it so much. I know because you're stuck with that person for another half hour or 40 minutes or whatever I love it I love it so much I know because you're stuck with that person for another half hour 40 minutes or whatever you don't want it to be weird but you're right I was in a massage last time I went there and it was too soft and the lady I was like I don't think you got much more in you I think this is the hardest you can do it right and so 10 minutes in I am majorly pissed off with my massage and it's just getting me more stressed

yeah 15 minutes it's getting I'm tensing, I'm getting pissed off because I'm going, this is a fucking waste of all of our time now. Yeah. The flip side of that is there's nothing better than just being obliterated and they're like, and how's that? And you're just going, yeah, that's absolutely spot on. It's like crying, going, yep, I'm loving this. And it really sticks with me when I've had a good one,

a good massage, and I think, oh, I've got to go back to that place. And it's some place that I just went through on the way somewhere, so all of a sudden I'm fucking spending an hour trying to get to some place going, oh, I just remember that great massage, and you get there, and it's like, oh, who gave me the massage again? Who knows? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because people go, oh, give me a tip of what place to go and which massage place. But the place has like 12 people working. Yeah. So you can't go, oh, that's the definitive place. It's like you learn one person. Yeah, we've got to get a row of us and we've got to do the ones on the beach. And that's an option?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right on the next row. And they are, I think, traditionally a lot softer because they're for you people who aren't that into massages. Right. You're just doing it for something you need to do. So you're not getting tossed around and thrown into the fucking ocean against a dolphin or whatever. A shark just working you over. You're not getting fucking shoved headfirst into a jet ski

when you're on the beach. And you're begging for it. Yeah, yeah. I think it's more for show, the beach massage. I think that's up your alley. So I listened to the episode where you gave us the top five things you love about it. And that was all pretty general. It was the beach, the weather, cheap hotels, cheap beers, and running.

Running on the beach, being in the pool. Yes, yes. Sounds like you barely took in this comprehensive list. If you were going to be more specific with stuff like a massage, are there other things that we should definitely do? I saw someone posted in the group, golf soccer? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, what is this place?

I'm so confused. Surely that was number six on your list. Is this Hogwarts? Vantage Sports? No, there's a place, I think it's up to the north, I think, where it's just like literally, you know, like a mini golf course, but they're using a soccer ball as a, you know, a golf ball.

And they're big holes. Right. Well, like, they wouldn't be normal holes because that would be fucking hard. But I have to kick down really hard. It's like a carny. It's the world's most obvious carny. A million dollars if you get a hole in one.

No one's ever got it. I can't believe it. Oh, the hole looks so big from back here. I thought I could do it. Yeah, so there's little things like that. What is it? People keep putting up links to these water parks. Oh, man.

It looks fucked. And they look dangerously. There's no OH&S over there. I'll be keen. They look insane. But you've never been to a water park there? No. I'm not a water park kind of guy.

See, I love water parks, and I would love to go to this because it's sort of like what you want as a kid, where, you know, you just imagine, like, the most insane cartoon version of a water slide or whatever. Exactly, exactly. But then you go, and it's always so regulated, and you're always thinking as a kid, like, imagine if there just weren't rules.

But then you see that a couple of people now over the last couple of years have posted videos of themselves going off this slide. Yeah, yeah, yeah. At the end, dips right up like that and they go so fucking high into the air. It looks like you're getting shot out of a cannon. Yeah.

Into a pool that's sort of not that big. Yes. Like, it doesn't look like it's covering enough area that it's like, it looks like it would be so easy for you to like hit the side. And it's directly next to a bar with a bunch of people getting absolutely obliterated. It's like none of this looks. Sorry, what you've described there sounds like an above ground pool.

Anytime I watch the video, even though I've people going off it, even though I've watched it before and I know how it ends, I still am like, oh, he's not going to make it even though I've watched it before and I know how it ends I still am like oh he's not going to make it yeah that's how fucked it is it's like my brain goes

there's no way he can land in the water there's just no way because like the weight differentiation between different sliders would surely

some of them would be too would overshoot it right yeah yeah it's yeah it doesn't it's it's the sort of thing

where you'd see it in the news from here and go, well, of course someone died at the water parking time. Right. Yes. Of course they did. Of course they're on a podcast tour. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally.

Hospitalising yourself and explaining, this happened to me on a slide. You'd never bounce back. For a podcast tour. So there's that. You can go and do that. I've been too worried to go, but it does look exciting and all that sort of stuff if you like that sort of thing. I'm not a real big activities guy when I go there. I like to just relax and go to the pool and eat and drink, and that's about it.

I don't like to go and do stuff. However, I do this time. I meant to do it last time. I booked in. I didn't go. We got too busy when we started up last year. We set up our own bar. We made our own bar last year, and we thought that'd be a funny idea, fucking worst idea

it took so long to do it was just, it was like, it was us going how funny would it be to do a job over there and then we worked a job on our holiday yeah that day was fucked anyway, trying to ruster people on yes it really was, it was people were putting in for leave, it was

a nightmare, immediately we had to add GST to everything It was fucking We didn't know what we were doing So But I want to do this time They have an elephant park Oh yeah

And it's like a Nice one It's not one where you go And make them smoke Or anything like that It's the ones where they Rescue elephants from From smoking

Yes From circuses And from logging And all that sort of stuff It's a retirement home For elephants So it's just them Jumping into mud And relaxing From smoking. Yes. From circuses and from logging and all that sort of stuff. It's a retirement home for elephants, so it's just them jumping into mud and relaxing and loving life. Yeah, it looks sick. And you get to feed them and stuff and whatever,

so I want to do that this year. That sounds good. I might take my dad, get his feedback as a previous enclosure designer for a completely different species. Dad's like, not enough vines to swing on, no bananas anywhere. This is shit. Too many trees in your jungle. You've got to redesign this joint.

So your mum and dad, so Tommy's mum and dad are coming along. That's awesome. How do you feel about that, Tommy? Are you excited for that? I'm looking forward to it. Yeah, I think it'll be fun having them there. That'll be nice. Have you travelled with them before?

A couple of times, yeah. And it goes well, obviously? Not so much. It's definitely a thing that seems like a good idea, planning it in, and then in the middle of it going, fuck me, why have I agreed to this? So it sounds like you've agreed to it for content maybe. A little bit.

I think they'll have a good time. Well, this is something that I reckon we'll talk about on the pod over there. But to set it up, what's happening this week in – so this will have happened by the time people hear this episode. But Nick Capper, who is coming to the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival and who you guys all know, is going to my parents' house to do some work for my dad because dad has some garden work that needs doing. He wanted me to do it but then because I was just overseas for so long

and then only back for a short time before we go over there, he was like, well, there's no time. It's never going to get done. And then he came to a podcast where we were hanging shit on Kappa for being, you know, just a fucking degenerate with nothing going on. And he said to me, seems like your friend Nick Kappa could use a bit of extra money. What if you give me his phone number and I'll get him to come around

and do this garden work for you? And I'm like, you know what? We got a couple of hours worth of content to fill over there in Samui. More than happy to facilitate this happening. Great. I also like how he's got Kappa to do this because you're too busy on overseas trips in Thailand and England, which Nick Kappa is going to both of those trips. Right.

And also, he's ended up getting Kappa to do it while I'm here. Yeah, great. Like, it's this week. Like, I'm here. Did you give Kappa the heads up at all or did you literally get a phone call out of the blue from your dad? No, I asked Kappa if he'd be into it and then I gave dad Kappa's number. Now Kappa's never going to – he'll just be in contact with Kappa nonstop now.

I can see your dad saying – He'll be out digging ditches at the zoo for new little butterfly houses that are getting built there. Yeah, yeah. Feels like he's subbing in a new son to me. Yes. A little bit. Yeah, you've been replaced.

A little bit. Because Tommy is an only child, so this is going to be the big brother you never had. Oh, right. Okay, I start getting really jealous. Yeah. Well, the job that he wants him to do is just so funny too because they've got these, like, I can't remember how many of them,

a few massive rocks in their front yard and lead up to their front door and Dad's decided he doesn't want them in their front yard and lead up to their front door. And Dad's decided he doesn't want them in the front yard anymore and they're too big to transport. So his solution is just dig a huge hole and push the rock into that. He's like, it's too hard to get rid of the rocks. I'm like, yeah, but then you've got to get rid of all the fucking dirt that you've dug up. So he's going to get Kappa in there digging holes to push rocks into.

Right. So he's been in contact with Kappa. He's sent Kappa, I think, too many photos of the rocks, just for context, before he turns up. Did he send him one? Because I don't think he really needs to see the rocks before he does that job. He's got multiple angles of the rock, just in case he thinks Kappa doesn't know what a rock looks like.

That's a real Fred Flintstone-sounding job, right? To be fair, Nick Kappa can't see inside his own head, so, yeah, maybe he should see what a rock looks like. It's a real Fred Flintstone-sounding job, right? To be fair, Nick Capra can't see inside his own head, so, yeah, maybe he should see what the rock looks like. He's a talented man, though, Capra. He designed one of our T-shirts. He used to be an airplane, like a flight attendant or something. A travel agent. He's a few steps before that.

He's handing out little pretzels. He works at a farm now, like a kid's farm or something. He can do it all. I mean, I've named the three or four biggest talents that you've met in life. Two or three pretty easy things to do, yes. He's very talented. He can put rocks in a hole. Well, we'll see.

So I think it's going to be interesting to get. I'm very much looking forward to hearing both sides of this story. Right. Of how this chore goes down. Yes. Because I think there'll be I'm predicting slash hoping for the sake of talking about it over in Samui

I'm thinking there'll be some very conflicting versions of events I love how much we must think of Nick Capper to go can't wait for him to fuck up digging a hole Are you hoping that your dad will think you did such a bad job

that they'll have some sort of dispute over being paid? Yeah, I didn't check with Dad what he's going to pay Kappa. I can't imagine there being a pay dispute with the Nick Kappa I know, which you go, here's five cents to fucking jump off a tower. Okay. Yeah, I should have checked in with Dad about what he's planning to pay Kappa. What's fair for that amount of work? Good question.

Keeping in mind that I can't remember exactly how many rocks there are. Haven't you got the photos? Hit up Kappa now. Get the photos. Are you thinking of outsourcing it to someone else? Undercutting Kappa? Oh, yeah. Just put it up on Airtasker.

I don't think the amount of rocks is the question. It's the size of the hole. But I don't know. It's like... Oh, yeah. It's also the motion in the ocean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all the girls.

That's always your first question. Yeah, I don't... You know what? This makes me feel out of touch. I don't know what the ditch digging rate is. This is like when you try and find out if a celebrity still got their finger on the pulse. How much is a litre of milk?

Oh, it's $1.50. How much does it cost for a hole to get dug? Oh, 50 bucks? Oh, you and your ivory towel. It's 150. And his ratio of rates would be all right, because didn't he just get paid 500 pounds to straighten his hair? Yes.

Yeah, that's true. He'd be confused. Yeah. The listeners did pay what, fuck, thousands of dollars to send him over to London

via the fucktest way they could with all these different little bits and pieces including straightening his hair for $500. Oh yeah, let's do a fundraiser to get him down to Brighton

to my parents' house going the most ridiculous way possible. Fly to Adelaide then drive back through to Brighton. All we need to do is give him my Uber driver that I got today. Oh, yeah. Fucking hell.

He was – oh, yeah, I was going to say this to you before. I got an Uber to come to Tommy's house today, and he just took me the – I'm not a big Uber user for whatever reason. I'm very close to public transport where I live. I'm next door to a tram stop and a train stop. Love the PT. Whenever I need to use Uber late at night, there's generally taxis at the comedy venue I'm at a lot of the time.

So I'm happy to use the taxi. I don't have to wait for the Uber. Taxi's right there. So I don't use Uber a lot. Used it today. Again, another nail in the coffin of my attitude towards Uber. Nail in the coffin of Uber. You're really taking a dance.

The guy went the absolute wrong way. And he's like, I don't know how many times you need to tell someone in an Uber ride, I think there's a better way of doing this. He's like, no, no, no. You'll see. Like, it'll all work out in the end. I'm like, I know we'll get there in the end, but you don't want to go to Melton before you get to the CBD.

You're sitting on the ferry going across the Port Phillip Bay. Wait a second. This is going to pay off. I know if we go around the world and back again, I'll get to where we wanted to go, but it took longer than I think it should have. And he gets there and he looks at you like, told you so. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Look, here we are.

Exactly. So then I'm in the Uber with him and we're going through alleyways. All we needed to go was down one main street to get to Tommy's house. It's very direct from where you were. Yes. There is literally a tram that might as well be called the Tommy DeKalb House tram. Oh, that would be nice. It literally does that.

There's a listener that drives that tram. Let's lobby to get that put up on the little ticker thing on the front of it for one day. Yes. So instead, we went completely arse around. We went in and out alleyways. It was actually a bit of a car reality tour. We went past the house I used to live in. Right.

Some years ago. Somehow he knew. In Collingwood. It was like we had no need to go there. But on the way through there, he's going, he's like just this sort of older, rougher sort of guy, and he's like saying to me, yeah, yeah, what are you fucking doing today? What's going on?

And I'm like, oh, yeah, okay, cool. Yeah, I've just been watching the soccer. He's like, oh, yeah, I just went and watched fucking Carlton getting flogged in the AFL. Yeah, fuck this shit. Like, okay, cool. And he's like saying, what are you doing today? I'm like, I'm going to do this podcast or whatever.

He's like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just, and he goes, what else do you do? And I go, I do a few things. I suppose probably like yourself because you're doing an Uber and generally it's not the only job. He goes, yeah, nah, it's not my fucking only job. Yeah, usually an actor. Just did a bit of Shakespeare in the fucking park the other weekend.

Wow, I wanted to see this production of Othello, to see this guy. Give him a bit of Fs and Cs. I smell a new character for you. Oh, yes. Bogan Shakespeare. Yes. McFucking Beth. To be or not to be, you cunt.

Yes. Love it. I love it. Yes it This has been a very successful writers meeting Oh yes We've got to get these guys to write contracts Sign off contracts that we own all these characters Yeah So you were saying to him That he was going

In an ineffective way to my house Yes Because that ties in nicely to the last night we had together in London. You got a lift with me in the Uber that I was catching. Oh, yes. And it dropped you off at the station that you had to go to. Yes. And it dropped you off at a place where you couldn't see

how you were meant to get into the station. Yes. You threw an absolute shit fit at the driver. Absolutely. Very good of you to do when you're on my account. I know. Very much appreciated that. I'm in the back seat trying to, like, pour water on this to do when you're on my account. I know. Very much appreciated that. I'm in the back seat trying to like pour water on this and go,

man, just chill out. I know. There's no need for this. And you had to stay in the car and keep driving. Yes, yes. Yeah. I realised mid-hissy fit that that's what I was doing, but completely justified in it because we were supposed to go to the train

station and so he drops me off at the back of the, like a block behind it. In defense to him, it was, I'd put the train station into the map and it's just the route that it takes you on the map that's in the Uber app. Yeah. It's where it tells, so he's just followed the, he's just following orders. Yes. He's just following the map and you're like, where are we? And he's like, I don't know.

This is just where it said to drop you off. Yes. And then you're firing up. And then, so you get out and then me and my friend who was in the car with me and i hope you're okay with this for the sake of saving my rating we immediately throw you under the bus sorry about that yeah what a cunt and he's like i don't know i mean he was just being so rude and like you know i'm I'm just following where the map told me to go. Like, you know, and we're like, mate, yeah, we're with you. Just selling you out as hard as we can.

And he goes, and he calms down. He's like, oh, yeah, it's a relief to, okay, it's a relief to hear that you thought that was a bit much too because honestly after he'd gotten out, I would have kicked you out of my Uber immediately. Thank you very much. What a fuckhead. Then he dropped me off around the corner from my hotel

and I absolutely blew up at him. What do you call this? You've done it again, you fucking idiot. Learn to read the Melways, you dumb Londoner. That was the fucking way. I mean, look, I'll just say. It was funny, though, because it's like. It was so dumb.

You're going to like one of the big main train stations. And we just end up like down the end of this dead end alleyway where there's no sign of anything anywhere. And it's like, here you are. It's like, where are we? Yeah. I've got a big suitcase. What part of you thinks that I want to get out at the back of the train station in which you cannot enter? Yeah.

There's no doors. There's no signage. If you got dropped off there, you wouldn't even know where you were. It doesn't say the back of the train station. Yeah, yeah. That is crazy that the Uber map tells you to drop someone there for such a main station. That's nuts.

And also, use your common sense. If you're there, you go, okay, well, there's a mistake being made here. I'd better drop him around the other side. But he's like, no, no, no. Technically, it says this. And I'm like, technically, get fucked. You weren't that polite. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was... Because, yeah, well... Because he goes, I'm sorry, but my job is just to follow the map. And you go, your job is to tell me where I fucking said to go. Like, in the background, oh, my God. My friend at one point was even, like, rubbing you on the shoulder trying to calm you down. Wow.

So I didn't even notice that because I like my massages harder. Oh, right. That just pissed me off even more. That would have been a great moment in the interaction, you having a fight with an Uber driver and then turning around to the girl who's behind you and going, harder. It really punched me in the head with that. And then the Uber driver's like, I'll fucking girl who's behind you Go harder Yeah It really punched me

In the head with that And then the taxi The Uber driver's like I'll fucking take it from here Oh fuck What type of context Is this late at night Or is this after breakfast

Yeah Like 10 o'clock 11 o'clock at night Yeah The tail end of a very big weekend For us Of doing our shows Yeah

And I'm just wanting to get on the train And take an hour Fucking train ride Out to the airport Yeah Right And get a To stay at the airport

Oh god I'll get all this off my chest as well So Oh just quickly That was another When you got out Away like Yeah my friend Ray

Who's with us goes He's just had a child And he's very stressed Great Excuse after excuse. And salute to her for just doing everything she can to try and maintain my rating. I've worked very hard over it.

Some of us do catch Ubers regularly. We'd like to not be blacklisted by the community when we're trying to get home at midnight next time. Well, I hope you gave him a ship rating. But when we got out there, I'd say it was from me. When I got out to the airport hotel, my whole genius plan was I fly out early in the morning. Okay, I'm not going to stay in London in the city.

I'll get myself an airport hotel because airport hotels are relatively cheap. Yeah. A lot cheaper than staying in the middle of London. Great, perfect. Get out there. Also, you get on the free bus or you basically walk to of London. Great. Perfect. Get out there. Also, you get on the free bus, so you basically walk to the airport. Easy. Great.

Get out there. It's partly a sightseeing bus. Yeah. Yeah. Get out there. Go out into the holiday. Yeah. Pays for itself.

Get out there and I'm like, okay, I just need to in the morning get out there with a suitcase. Okay, I just need to go to the airport, which I can see. It's just out the window there. It's just there. It's just there. Can I just get a lift over there? Might as well just chuck my suitcase over there from you. Yeah. You basically don't even need to say, just need to go to the airport, which I can see. It's just out the window there. It's just there. It's just there. Can I just get a lift over there? Might as well just chuck my suitcase over there from here. Yeah, totally.

You basically don't even need to say, I need to go to the airport. Yes. Everyone here does, right? Yes. Yeah, totally, totally. And it's set up for, you know, an airport hotel designed to come from the airport or go to the airport.

That's why it's called, that's why it's got airport in the fucking name of the hotel. That would be amazing if you were staying at the hotel next to Heathrow and then you're going you're there for like a week and you're just going out every day and coming back. All these souvenirs from the West End and just like

trying to really confuse the people behind the desk like why is this fuckhead staying here? They don't get anyone staying more than a night. Someone's like two nights please they're like why?, they ring the police. But that is a very economically better way of doing things than what we were doing, spending big money to be in shitholes in London.

Oh, man, when I was back there, just before I came back home, yeah, paying, I think, about $160 a night to be in a room with no window. So that's cool. Just160 a night To be in a room With no window So that's cool Just in a tomb Just in a small tomb Great

Brutal But the airport hotel Is like $120 a night Or something And they're fucking Mansions Yeah Oh you know what

This is what I did So that night After I got all angry And then I was on the train And I was like Fuming on the train And getting out there Beat up a pensioner

Just to steam out Get out Beat up a foreigner Because just to steam out. Get out. Beat up a foreigner because they're all foreign over there because they're not from Australia. This is heaven. Like a kid in a candy store. I can just swing a fist and hit a foreigner everywhere I go. Half of London is Australian though. Yeah, that's true.

That's a big risk. They're still foreign over there, so I think you can't fail. Yes, 100%. Great. Yep. Nailed it. Yes. Imported locals.

So we get out there. I get out to the hotel, and it's a very nice hotel, like I said, very nice. Walk in there, and it's just like heaven compared to where we're staying. I don't know where you guys stayed when you were touring around England, but we were in some real dives. Yeah. Did you guys have any super shit ones? What did you get lucky?

I think we got real lucky. In London, we stayed in this nice Airbnb overlooking a park somewhere. A Hyde Park. Our Edinburgh Airbnb was amazing. Nothing but pleasant stories. No, no, no. There was that one in, was it Manchester, where we actually ended up staying for a few nights

and I was sleeping in the kitchen. Oh, that's right. And then we got there. Bristol. We got there and the lock didn't work. That's right. They had to get like a lock to come in. And we were on top of a nightclub.

How did you sleep in the kitchen? So there were two bedrooms. Were you in the sink? I'm a day and a little. Basically. Yeah, there was two bedrooms, both with the tiniest bathrooms ever. I think it was mostly like student accommodation. Right.

So you'd have your own, like you'd share a kitchen, but you'd have your own bedroom and a tiny, tiny ensuite. That was Manchester. Was that Manchester? Important detail to get right. Yes. That is funny. I was on the fold-out couch, which wasn't really,

it was a bed that folded in half and you could sit on it. Right. Or you could flick it open. And there'd be that big crease down the middle. Yeah, so I slept hard against a wall with the kitchen window, the blinds didn't close. And there was a light right outside the window that just shone into my face.

And we stayed there for a couple of nights, which was good. Well, it has a window in it, so it sounds a little bit lighty dark compared to my experience. And I had a sink really close. And I couldn't, if is good. Well, it has a window in it, so it sounds a little bit lighty dark compared to my experience. And I had a sink really close. If I needed to pee, the boys were asleep, so I'd just have to even in the morning, I had to wait to see

I didn't piss in the sink. We were all thinking that's where that was going. Why would you bring that? In a movie, if you've ever seen where there's a sink there and then someone's going I need to hang a piss, you go, well, I can see where this is going. You definitely go there.

I'll wait until the others are awake. The perfect crime. I'll wait until I can hear them coming into the kitchen. But I'd have to, in the morning, wait to see either who was online of the two of them. Oh, yeah, yeah. Waiting for that little green dot to pop up on the messenger window. Or if I could hear either of them, and then I'd have to knock on the door and be like,

can I use the bathroom? Sucked! Anyway. See, these are the sorts of problems you don't have in the tent in Koh Samui. Everywhere's the bathroom. Easy. If you can use a hose to clean an entire

accommodation, you can piss wherever you want. Exactly. I get out there i get to the airport hotel i get in my and it's so nice it's one of the nicest hotels i've ever stayed in get in the room room is fucking huge it's such a it's such a contrast from where we've been staying to walk into this absolute mansion i'm like i wish by that time it's like 1 a.m as it's late i've got to get up for a flight at like 6 a.m or something like that i'm like i wish i could stay up and just enjoy, soak this room in.

It's so beautiful. Five hours of just looking around the room. Yeah. Man, I was so into it. I wish I could have got room service. All I had to do was go. I had to go to sleep. So I look at the bed.

You're like going downstairs. You're like, can I see the plans for the. Yeah. I just want to really get the whole story. Man, is there anything better than a good hotel room though? Oh, big time. Yeah, big time. So I get there.

The bed's huge, fucking huge. But I've never seen this before in a room. Now, you tell me. A bed. A sink. You were staying in some shitholes. Tell me if this is a normal thing or not. Okay.

In the middle of the bed there where you cannot avoid it there is a cord from the ceiling that goes down and touches the bed what there's just a cord directly attached to the ceiling and you get in the bed and you cannot you have to actually get over to the side of the bed to get away from the cord if you anywhere near the middle of the bed, the cord is on your face. What's the cord doing? Did you try pulling the cord? Well, here's the next bit. Of course.

Again, it's like a movie. You get in a bed. There's a cord there. What are you going to do? Piss in the sink. You got to pull the cord. So I get in there. What's going to happen?

So I get in the bed. It's going to touch your face all night. It feels like we should take an ad break or something. Balloons and confetti. Yeah. So I'm going to... Disco ball. I have to...

I think, well, you can't go to sleep with this cord hitting you on the face. So this is some sort of clue. Like you're supposed to pull the cord for some reason. So I go, okay, all right. I get it. I get it, universe. I've got to pull the cord. So I pull the cord.

What happened? Nothing happens. Nothing at all happens. I go, okay, well, I guess I solved that mystery, the old nothing happens when you pull the cord trick. Anyway. Did you feel it click or anything? Yeah, it was like it was going to do everything it was going to do.

Okay. I got to the full capabilities of the cord. You were satisfied that you'd given it enough of a pull to get the result if there was going to be one. So I lie down. Yeah, okay, well, that's that over with. Did you order like a sex room or something? No, no, no, no.

Or it's like an older person room where they needed to pull themselves out of bed? It was a thin cord. There's no... Is it like this headphone cord kind of death? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like if you were pulling yourself out of bed, I don't think even Warnock could use it to a good effect. I'm always pulling myself out of bed.

So I lie down at the side of the bed so I'm not distracted by the fucking cord in my face. I get a call on the phone. I jump out and answer the call. Do you pull the fucking cord? Do you pull the cord? Wow. I go, yeah. They go, well you pull the fucking cord? Do you pull the cord? Wow.

And they go, Yeah. And they go, Well, that's an emergency cord. What's the emergency? I'm like, The emergency was it's fucking hit me in the head

when I'm trying to go to sleep. And they're like, Well, don't pull it again unless it's a proper emergency. That's the stupidest place for an emergency cord. The emergency was I wanted to know

what the cord was. What if there are two of you in the bed? Yes. It's the bed? Yes. It's hitting someone. Yes. That's so dumb. Have you ever heard of that before?

No. I did see that in a hotel, in the hotel in Serbia, I think in the bathroom, there was a cord hanging down, which I thought was like the light switched when I went in. So I pulled it and then nothing happened and then I realised like, oh, I think this must be like an emergency thing for if you've fallen over in here. But then nothing happened. So I'm like, well, that's a bit concerning.

Even if there is an emergency, they just do nothing. But it's so... You can't get to sleep with it hitting you in the face or whatever. That's crazy. And I know it's a safety thing or whatever. But isn't that like putting a fucking fire extinguisher in the bed and going, yeah, well, you don't know. You know, if there's a fire, at least it's convenient. It's like, yeah, but it's fucking annoying.

What are they expecting to happen? Sex emergency. Oh, is it really? I'm stuck. I'm stuck. I'm stuck. Half way through a 69 and I can't get out. Speak up.

Someone bring a crowbar. Speak up. Someone bring a crowbar. Speak up. But surely it's just you call a number or there's a button. Because if you have to answer the phone anyway for the emergency. Yeah. Is that the problem?

You already have to get it. So if you're incapacitated enough to not be able to get on the phone. Good point. I guess if you didn't pick up the phone, they would just like knock on the, they would just like let themselves in. I figured they'd go, I must have fallen asleep. Yeah. We've done what we can. And as if that's your setup, as if that doesn't happen every single day.

Yeah. Every single day, as soon as someone checks in, it would be like, here comes the call. Yeah. Did you pull the cord? Yeah. Is there an emergency? No.

Okay, see you at breakfast. Yeah, surely you need a sign on the roof saying do not pull cord. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I mentioned it. I mentioned see you at breakfast. Yeah, surely you need a sign on the roof saying, do not pull cord. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Or emergency cord. Yes. Actually, yeah, if it says do not pull cord, I'd be like, well, why not? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Confetti. Yes. And so the beginning of this was you saying that this is the best hotel room you've ever been in. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're getting bashed in the head all night by a fucking mystery cord. You love that. God, I'm loving this.

Five stars for me. Big window, though. Big window. Oh, fuck. Stop rubbing it in. Yeah, yeah. Man, I think I had four or five nights in there. And I just, yeah, I get solitary confinement and everything.

Right. It started to make, I started to feel like I'm going insane. Yeah. I need, just going for walks around the block to be like, I can't be in there for more than half an hour. It's so bad. Great. It's sort of a lot like this room we're in right now,

triggering a lot of flashbacks for me. Well, I think that is about all the time we have for the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Dave, Jess and Matt, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you. Thanks for having us. See you in about seven or eight days. Yeah.

Something like that, yeah. Or when this comes out, even fewer. So, yeah, guys, check out Do Go On. Yeah, we were on the most recent episode with these guys as well, so check that out. Your show's out every week. Yeah, that's right. Every Wednesday.

And Carl was reporting on, because we do a topic every week, and thanks for bringing in singer Mike Patton. Yes. A lot of fun. Yes. A lot of passion from Cult Channel. Yes. Yeah, no, that's a topic every week. And thanks for bringing in singer Mike Patton. Yes. A lot of fun. Yes. A lot of passion from Cult Channel. Yes. Yeah, that's a lot of fun.

So if you're on the fence at all, man, at this stage, if you're still on the fence for Koh Samui and you get off the fence and you get a ticket and flights and all that stuff, I love you. I'd love to hear from you. Do it. If this is the episode that puts you over the edge because now you've heard the second podcast

that's coming over with us, great, let us know. There is a prize for the last person that the book's in. I don't know what the prize is, but there will be something. A night in the tent. Absolutely. Yes. I'll guarantee a night in the tent.

We'll get you a cord for your room. Yes. Can we organise that now through the Ozo? Get them to put cords in every room that has someone from the... What a great bit that would be. That is so good. And to try and replicate the story that I've just told, it's like they can't really do it properly.

All they can do is just stick a cord that's connected to nothing. Yeah, a bit of string. And so just receptions randomly calling rooms going, did you pull the cord? And people are like, no. Like, okay, well, we didn't know. We just had to guess. It's worth a gamble. Yeah. are like, no. Like, okay, well, we didn't know. We just had to guess. It's worth a gamble.

Yeah. All right, guys. Yeah, check all that stuff out. Thanks very much for listening, and we'll see you next time. See you, mate. Oh, they knew it. They get it. Cool.

And in my humble opinion, they have done it again. Well, that doesn't sound very humble, does it? Like, how can you say it's humble when you're like, I've done it again? You think that's not humble? Yes. You think that's, what's the word, braggadocious? I think it's arrogant at the very least. Rude.

So you don't agree with it? I didn't agree with it. I'm just saying. Usually, like I was always taught growing up, you wait for someone. You don't tell someone how good you are. You wait for someone else to tell you how good you are. So I think that that's… When are you going to start doing that?

Well, I didn't say I took it on board. I remember hearing it. Yeah, yeah. It rings a bell. It was said. I heard it and I'm like, that's a great piece of advice. I'm going to ignore that. It's in the brain.

Yeah. It's a thing to pass on to other people right okay well now i've heard it yeah and now i can continue to uh absolutely ignore that advice they've done it again okay well if you had to make a statement about that episode and if you were if you were wanting to remain humble then uh what would you say uh i would say look i i'd have a lot more to say about it if i remembered a lot of it. Okay. Yeah. I tend to try and reboot everything as soon as I finish a podcast and make sure I don't remember anything.

You're very bad at remembering things that happen on the podcast. This was two days ago. I remember the general vibe of it being good. This might be one of the shortest amounts of time that we've ever done one of these after. Yes, you're right. If you had gunpoint, if you had to recall one thing that we talked about on this episode. The first thing I think of is going...

And Haymates doesn't count. Right. The first thing I... My first... The first thought that goes into my head after thinking about this episode was thinking to remember to say to you, can you please trim probably 10 or 20 minutes out of it? Because we went ages. Yeah.

So that's what I remember. Yeah. It being too long. Yeah. So that's my my memory yep uh so they've done it again yeah it's too long yes they've done too much of it yeah that's uh no i think we've done it again for longer than they should have yes we did we did it all runs into each other because we did an episode of their show that's true did an episode of our show so i don't remember what we talked about on on both of them and a reminder to go and uh yeah check out uh the episode that we an episode of their show. That's true. And we did an episode of our show. So I don't remember what we talked about on both of them. And a reminder to go and check out the episode that we were on of their show, which will be out right now.

Yeah, so... That was fun. Like we said at the top of the show, it is the last episode we're recording before we go to Costa Moya. Next week there will be an episode from London still. We still have a London episode on our sleeve. Really fucking around with the timeline a lot recently. I think everyone's not too

confused with that, I'm sure. Probably. I'm sure there's some very anal fans of, you know, continuity. I'd love to meet them.

The end. End of statement. There's some people listening to this going, this podcast is good, but you know what I'd prefer doing right now? I know there are some, Pete. this going this podcast is good but you know what I'd prefer doing right now I know there there are some

there's a certain sort of personality type that I think would be driven insane by listening to things out of the order that they're recorded

yeah look you know ideally it would be good for a tour going order but this is the way it has to be so that's a show and you know what

it's a nice little I do like the idea of breaking up all the live eps yes so what it's a nice little I do like the idea of breaking up all the live eps yes so yeah it's a nice little reminder of

what we used to do before we just did fucking 51 live episodes a year yeah before this became a travelling circus yeah that we've got a microphone

yes attached to the elephant's cock as we're beating it off yes what a circus wow I haven't been for a while in fact given the way I'm remembering it,

I'm starting to think maybe I never actually have been to the circus. Maybe that's something else I'm remembering. It wasn't an elephant. It was your dad. Great stuff. And, you know, welcome aboard any new listeners we have. Yep. Yeah, good to be in the studio in Dugo on headquarters,

not on home ground, I have to say. We were at a severe disadvantage going in there. Yeah, I think we played it well. I think we played like we were at home. It was a good away result. Yeah. Didn't have the fans behind us, but we were hard-nosed about it. We put our head down and we got three points.

Yep, but now the audio of this will sound a bit different to people because we are back in the masturbatorium. Yes. On home ground. Yes. Very home ground for you. Yes. Well, you do your best work.

I haven't had the pleasure, but anyway. Of what? Of being on home ground in here. Of masturbating in my house yes that that would have had the literal pleasure right that would have been a bombshell if you were like and let me just say i've had the pleasure yeah yeah one of those times when i went to the toilet that was not that was not number one or number two that was number three um but yeah hey thanks for joining us a little bit of of, I guess, you know,

this is a good place to put little bits and pieces like this, but, you know, we had a bit of an arc about, you know, us going to Liverpool to watch the game and me being, I haven't really, you know, gone on about being a big Liverpool supporter over the years, but I thought it would be interesting to talk about, given such a great season we were having. We went to England, so we had to talk about it.

That all came to an end in terms of we didn't win the championship. So that was the whole goal of that, that we were going to go and watch them win the championship. We didn't win the championship, but what we just did win on the weekend was the Champions League, which for people that don't understand this, Champions League is sort of like all the best, all the top teams from each country play each other

in a sort of master class sort of thing. A master class? Well. So they're teaching you how to play soccer? Yes. As they're playing games against each other? Well, they are the best. That's pretty cool.

You're watching them. Right. Who else to learn from? So after each goal, there's like a 10-minute summary of how they did what they did. There's a TED Talk at halftime. Right. That's actually pretty cool. So anyway, we won that on the weekend.

I had a big day that was happening just before we recorded this episode. So I really had to go and... That was great to see updates of on social media, by the way. Mere hours before we meant to go be recording at their studio. Just going, fucking hell, this could be anything. I wasn't going to go all day. Yeah. Clearly.

Well, I didn't know that at the time. Yes, sure. There's a video of you drinking a pint in the middle of a flare going off at like 11am. And it's like, I mean, this doesn't seem like the sort of thing that's going to wrap up anytime soon. No, it did. I think, you know, probably 10 or 15 minutes after that, everyone got kicked out. And it was like literally us drinking at like midday

I guess when you start at 8am you don't leave yourself many places to go yeah well we were up at we started drinking at 5 yeah

fuck a bit before 5 and then we finished at 12 and that was that was enough it was it was yes that is enough

yeah it was Brett Blake we were at Brett Blake's house with a friend of the show Milan and me and it was we won it was Brett Blake. We were at Brett Blake's house with a friend of the show, Milan, and me. And we won. It was great.

Great result. Fun. Brett Blake managed to – he was really showing off. He was really like, I'm going to make this big banquet for you. And he burnt everything he made. Great. He burnt garlic bread. He burnt croissants.

He burnt garlic bread. He burnt croissants. He burnt toast. It was a real masterclass of not knowing how the fucking oven works. Yeah. Well, I think he's used to cooking food at night and getting it out of the oven at, say, 7 p.m. Right. You know, so it's 5 a.m. So he's like, no worries. Just leave this in here for like 10 hours.

Did he get the oven a.m. and p.m. mixed up? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right leave this in here for like 10 hours. Did he get the oven AM and PMs mixed up? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Fuck, I could have killed Milan. It was like, I know you won't appreciate this as much because you're not a sports watcher, but I'm watching it. And he supports the same team I do. He barracks for Liverpool.

Yeah. And I'm watching it and everything he can do to annoy me, he was doing. It was like, we went 1-0 up over a penalty. And for the rest of the match, he just talked about how it shouldn't be a penalty. It's like, cunt, you're not the person to fucking argue this. You should be happy about this. I mean, I don't watch a lot of sports, but I can appreciate annoying behavior.

Yes. That's pretty universal stuff. He was just needling me the whole match. I'm like, shut the fuck up. And then at the end, this was my final threat to him. He was just doing it the whole time. The final threat was I said, cunt, if you don't shut up i'm not gonna celebrate with you afterwards wow wow and that's the thing that shut him up that's great milan is someone who's very like

he's he's like a cartoon character in that every time you hang out with him it's it's very much the same yeah he's got a lot of his catchphrases yes he's got a lot of his go-to things and what amazes me about you is every time you hang out with him, you're somehow surprised by this behavior. Yes. From one of the most one-dimensional people I've ever met in my life. You'll be angry. You're like, then he's saying this.

I'm like, yeah. Why does Donald Duck always have to wear that fucking sailor's hat? Fucking pisses me off. Then he's quacking. He's got no pants on. That's it. I'm off him. Yeah.

Yeah. Fuck. Fuck And he's quacking. He's got no pants on. That's it. I'm off him. Yeah. Fuck. Fuck, he's annoying. But that's great that you've now, after all those times, you've learnt the magic code to how to get him to back off. Hopefully. Hopefully I've learnt a trick there.

He's not coming to Koh Samui. He's not going to be a three-timer this year. Is that fresh information to people? I don't think the people that are listening know that. No, no one knows that. Shock announcement that we've just rolled in at the last minute. Came to London, can't go to Costa Mali this year. So very unfortunate for everyone that really wanted someone else to buy their $1.40 beers.

Sorry, you're going to have to pay for them yourself. I have to say, as someone who is working over there and has been strong-armed into many more beers on the nights that we have there than I would like to have, I'm slightly relieved. Yes. For the sake of my own health and sanity, I can't say this is necessarily too much of a bad thing.

Friendship-wise, yes. Totally. I reckon I speak for both of us here. There's no need for shots in any situation. No, ever. Yeah. Like we're over there. We've got cheap beers.

You can slam them down. You've got cheap cocktails. That's bad enough. No need to be buying shots over in Thailand. We're 32 and 43. Yes. You know, we are at minimum a decade beyond. Yes.

When it's reasonable to be doing shots. Yeah, totally, totally. Right. We haven't done this for a little while. What about I reopen this segment? Enemies of the show. Oh, yeah, the enemies list. The enemies list.

Yeah. Well, I think so far, I think it's only – I don't think you've ever added to it. Oh, maybe. I think it's only ever been – I've had a couple. Yeah. And then I keep pushing you

on it but it's but you're you know i'm too nice it's not i'm too nice that's what i was getting yeah yeah everyone says it it's nice for me to have a little corner to be different right for you it's like what's the point non-stop of engaging in this dumb enemies list sure but so you've got something i've got something it's been weighing on me for a while i've actually had it written down my phone i kept meaning to bring it up. Interesting. Man, nothing drives me more nuts than this at the moment, right? Very specific.

Let's see if you're into it in any way. Okay. Right. In the train station, right? Okay. You're in the train station. You're getting off the train. Okay.

And then you're leaving the station. Now, you get the options. You get the up escalator. I'm going to say already, I don't catch many trains. I'm hoping there's going to be a relatable thing to another. Okay. So imagine this. Imagine getting out at Flinders Street Station.

Beautiful station. It's all right. There's the up escalator, right? Yep. Then there's a down escalator that you can't go up. Obviously. That's people coming down there. You could, but –

Yeah, you'd be a dill, a real dill. And then there's the stairs in the middle. Yes. Right? Yep. Now, any – I think I see where this is going. Yep.

Do you? We'll see. Any basic health tip, any exercise tips you were going to get from anyone, any minor tips about losing weight or anything like that. I think at the bottom of the pyramid of health advice and exercise advice, there is take the stairs whenever you can. Whenever you can. Yeah.

That's a freebie. Yes. That's an easy one. Easy one. First one. First day of fitness class, first day of exercise class is take the fucking stairs. Yep. I'd agree with that.

Great. So I always take the stairs yep now what's on my fucking enemies list is people who take the stairs going down the stairs nothing fucking dumber in my opinion people are bypassing the down escalator to use the stairs to go down. What's the fucking point of that? Okay. I mean, you are still moving. No. So you are still getting a bit of exercise.

No, no. You're fucking riding gravity's coattails. You're doing fuck all. I thought your issue was going to be you've got the stairs that are in the middle of the up and the down escalator. And so there's an established left and right. No, no, no. I thought you were going to say people that just decide they're going to walk down whatever side of the stairs they want.

No, no. That's, you know, we've known about that for years. Like, that's a basic. That's, that's, you get taught that in fucking prep. People, this is, I don't think people understand this thing. I don't think you understand it looking at you. People are going down the fucking stairs. No, no.

It's wasting everyone's time. I understand the idea of people going. How's it wasting your time? Because I'm trying to go up and they're getting in my fucking way. Always getting in my way. It's like I'm just trying to go up and there's cunts. It's like go on the escalator. What are you taking up the whole stairwell for?

Because it's not that big of a stairwell. Right. Because you know what? The inventor of the designer of those stairs is thinking the same way as me. Well, no one's going down. There's not going to be traffic going against each other. They're only for going up.

Why would you take the downstairs? Why would you take the stairs to go down when there's a down escalator? God, it was nice doing the episode on Sunday when you'd won the Champions League and you were happy for one day. No. I thought it'd stick around for a little bit longer. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's until I fucking some cunt walked down some stairs.

Right, on the way home. Yeah. Now we need to win the fucking championship again for me to be happy. Drunk at midday, furious at someone walking down the stairs. Man, absolutely. Have you never experienced that? Do you understand the theory behind my anger? I can't say it's ever affected

me in a negative way i can't say it's ever been the detriment of my day tell me explain to me yeah you've got an option you've got two options you're going down the stairs yep you can take the stairs you want to go down down to the bottom of the platform you take the stairs to go down or you take the escalator to go down yeah why wouldn't you take the escalator you're not getting any additional exercise going down those stairs you're fucking not you're actually not you are getting exercise you're not that's not going down that's i've never seen someone go you know what you need to lose some weight why don't you run down a hill? That's not a fucking thing. Going down something is not exercise.

Okay. I'm not saying – I'm only disagreeing with you because you're asking me. I'm not saying you're not allowed to have this on your enemies list. You could almost put on weight going downhill, I reckon. There's no exercise. Now you are, ironically enough, getting very greedy. There's no exercise.

Now you are, ironically enough, getting very greedy. There is no exercise involved in just letting gravity take its fucking course. You know what I had through... Do you lose weight diving? No. You're just fucking plummeting. Because there's no movement. Yeah, yes. There's no movement.

You're just going downhill. But if I was diving and then like kind of scissoring my legs in midair as I'm doing that, then I'm working off the kilojoules. No. Not by much. Doubt it. Not by much. I reckon you're just reallocating fat.

Let's put the Apple Watch on and let's do a lap up the stairs and down the stairs and then see how they stack up in terms of kilojoules burnt. What about for a week we both just climb upstairs for a whole week and then the next week, we just go downstairs for the whole week and see the difference in our weight after the end of the week. Right. Yeah, okay. Yeah.

So then I'm either – because my apartment is up a flight of stairs. Right. So I'm either – I'm just trapped here at a certain point. Yes. I'm either trapped here or I'm trapped on the street. Yes. Yes. Any further questions?

Just in a hotel. And you explain to people, sorry, but I can't climb stairs this week. I did. I was tempted to do this when I was on the way back from the UK the other week. Had a three-hour stopover at Doha and I was on the way back from the UK the other week. Had a three-hour stopover at Doha and just, you know, been on the plane for ages. Really feeling like walking around for a bit.

There's only so many times you can just do laps of the airport. Just the big travelator thing. I was like, what if I just got on this the wrong way and just started walking back the other way? Then I can just do this for two hours. That'd feel great. Yeah. It'd be work. It'd be a lot of work.

Yeah. I think it'd actually be work to, because it's going pretty slow. Yeah. So it'd be work to keep yourself at such a slow pace. Yeah. To keep up with the force of the travel. That is genuine great exercise if you're going up the wrong way up an escalator. Oh, big time. However, you are a massive cunt to do that.

What do you think's worse, going up the down escalator or going down the stairs? Ooh. That's a good question, isn't it? That is a good question. Thank you. Oh, look, when it's busy, just inconveniencing people even more, you'd have to say the escalator because that's just insane. The escalator, big time, because it's like a thing that you think is funny when you're

like a teenager. Yeah. You're like, ha ha, look at this. I think going down the stairs is just dumb. But going up the down escalator is on purpose being an arsehole. True cunt behaviour. If you're going down the stairs, you could definitely, in court, when it comes to court, obviously, you go, sorry, I had no idea that this was a dumb fuck thing to do because i'm a dumb fuck well whereas going up down escalator you're going if you try and pull that

out and go i didn't you're on i didn't know that this was a bad thing yeah you can't get to the chair well it sounds to me like we've ended up kind of editing this entry onto the enemies list because by your own concession if you're going down the stairs, you're just dumb. But if you're going up the down escalator, you're an actual cunt. Yes, but there's no one going up the down escalator, though. Like, this is sort of a theoretical argument. They're out there. There's very few.

Whereas I'm dealing with a handful every time I go to the train station of these fucking down stair cunts. What if we go hang out at Flinders Street Station now and we just wait until we see our first guy going up the down escalator and then we've got a little medallion made up. We're like, congratulations, you've made out the little Dum Dum Club official cunt of the week. Yeah, right.

But no one's doing it. I don't reckon I've seen anyone do it for years. Like you have to be in high school. Give us a call. I reckon to go up the down escalator, you have to be in high school with a bunch of friends. Yeah. And encountering fucking escalators for your first time. But I think that says to me that you're not typically hanging out at train stations at times that schools are out.

Right. You know, you need to be there around. I guarantee if you went there every day around 3.30, 4 in the afternoon, I reckon you'd see it. Within a week, I reckon you'd see it. All right. Good advice. Thank you, Tommy.

I'm now going to hang out at train stations when the school kids get there every day. I didn't say you should do it. I just said that that's how you could see it if you want. That's my alibi. We've got that on tape now. I'm going to play this to the police. And I'm stroking my dick to measure how long it takes them to get up the escalator. Right, right, right.

Well, what sort of an idiot would stroke down their dick? It's the only measurement of time I trust. Well, that's the enemies list closed for another week. Great, great. Look, I could be talking about them again. I think about these cunts every fucking day. I'm not happy. I feel like the enemies list does need to be a bit more specific.

Yeah, look, that's fair. Like, I think it's better when it's just targeted at a person. A person. Because if you're just allowed to willy-nilly do large groups of people, within about a month, there's going to be no segment of the population left that you haven't put on this list. Well, look, I feel like if we can't really use names because then we'll be ostracised from everyone in our community.

That's true. Yeah. We could very easily do people we don't like. Oh, that's true. But then we're not allowed to go to comedy rooms anymore. Yeah, that's pretty fair. Yeah. I'm trying to think of who's...

I'm trying to think if anyone... Oh, okay, I'll tell you who's on my enemies list. Oh, here we go. This fucking fat Italian couple on a flight that I got on my trip to Barcelona. Did I tell you about this? No. I was in... So you're saying instead of...

You're allowing this for yourself. Like it went from one person. Now it's two people. Yeah, but they're linked. They're a couple. Okay. They're together. All right.

Yes, this is more specific than just anyone who's ever gone down a stair before. Well. I had a middle seat, already brutal. I'm sitting there, you know, waiting for the other two people in the row to turn up. Yep. It's a couple. Yep. I get up to let the lady in.

Then I say to the guy oh hey do you want to swap and sit next to yeah yeah yeah and he's like nah wow he's this big fat cunt right so it's like oh you've done this on you've delivered neither of you wants the middle side yeah she wants the window that's so he wants the aisle so he can spill out into it. That's so fucked because if you are with your female partner, traditionally. Or male partner. No, no, no, no. I'm saying if you've got a female. It's like opening a door for a girl.

It's like you don't want some male stranger sitting directly next to her. You're shielding. You should be shielding her from you. Right. From the stranger. I was doing a very wonderful Pepe Le Pew impression for the entire flight as well. Shit. But this is the thing.

Like, I don't reckon the airline should allow this. Right. Like, them going in and going, no, we want to be on either side. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We just want a stranger to be stuck in the middle of our shit marriage. Yeah. And so this is already bad enough, right? Then they are talking to each other.

They are passing things to each other. They are leaning over me. Yeah. Having a conversation for the entire flight. Nah. Yeah, that's illegal. It was a nightmare. Yeah.

It was a fucking nightmare. That's illegal. And you know when you're in close contact with a stranger And you've just decided that you don't like them Yeah And then they can't Oh yes And then they can't do anything right

Yep Any small thing that they do Yeah, yeah So I'm watching They take a drink and you're like Yeah, that'd be fucking right Right Oh, we're all thirsty, are we?

You cunt Yeah, so I'm watching The Sopranos on my iPad And the lady's just watching the screen. Yeah, I hate that. And I'm like, fuck off. Yeah, fuck off. Don't read my newspaper. Don't look at anything I own.

Fuck off. Look out the window. Well, and it's like two things. I've got the headphones in, so you can't tell what's going on. Yep. You can't hear it. And also, you're Italian.

You've lived this. So what are you getting out of it? That's you on the screen. And also, I'm like, I literally was watching the very final episode oh really and i'm like if you've never seen this before you've just fucked it for yourself yeah yeah yeah nightmare one of the worst experiences i've ever had on a flight what do the italians think of the sopranos i wonder i was wondering that yeah yeah i wonder if it what if they're there is it is it a bit fake for them or is it like, yes, this is us in America? Well, the Jersey Italian-American culture is completely different to actual Italy.

Right. Is it? There's a storyline in an episode of The Sopranos where they go to Italy and they're so excited. A bunch of them go over on a business trip and they all just fucking hate it. Right. Because they can't get the like shit American version of Italian food that they're used to. Right, right, right.

It's all like good fresh seafood and they're like, fuck this. Right, right. Yeah. Anyway, that's the enemies list closed up for another week. Wow. Is there any other housekeeping that we need to do? Any other bidness?

I mean, yeah, this is it. We're heading off in a couple of days to Koh Samui to the podcast festival. You're about to go to Hong Kong on the way. You're about to – have we talked about this? Your parents are coming to Koh Samui. Have we said that? We talked about it in the episode. Did we?

Well, there you go. There you go. So your parents are coming with you there. They're going to be – they're going to Hong Kong with you as well? Yep. So what are you going to do in Hong Kong with your mum and dad? I'm going to go to this island called Macau, which is like this little island that's got casinos and shit on it.

Yeah. And then, I don't know, just kind of pot around. Why are you going to Macau just for the casinos? Because they wanted to do like a day trip somewhere and i spent i went there last year on the way to kosamui and i spent about four days there so i'm kind of up for doing something that's sort of outside of just the stuff that i've already done i just want to see something different you're gonna call it whatever you're gonna call it honkers yeah dude yeah big time great yeah yep honkers yeah can have a good time in honkers? Yeah. Yep. You're going to get your parents to call it Honkers?

I'll try. Yeah. I don't know if they'll take it on, but I'll try my best. So is this what's going to happen? You're going to go to Hong Kong with your parents. Mm-hmm. Then you're going to bring them to Samui. Mm-hmm.

And you're going to be in the same resort as them in Samui. Mm-hmm. And then they're going to come to Copenhagen as well? No. They're not coming to Copenhagen? No. Right. They go home straight after it all finishes.

Okay. Yeah. Right. And are they going to come to the show every night?agen? No. Right. They go home straight after it all finishes. Okay. Yeah. And are they going to come to the show every night? I think so. Right. Yeah. Yeah, they're looking forward to it. And what level of babysitting sort of are you expecting to do?

Are they doing of me? Yeah. How much contact are you expected to have with them during the day? They're pretty good. Like, they get it. They get that it's like work and that I'll be busy and everything. Right. But I do, like I do want to spend time with them.

Like I'm looking forward to hanging out with them. But I think they'll be pretty fine to just sort of do their own thing. I think they'll spend pretty much all day just around the pool. Right. To be honest, like they're not going to go on – once they're in Samui, they're not going to go on, like, big day trips around the island or anything like that. Yeah.

I think they'll – actually, no, they'll probably want to go to the night markets one night, I guess. But, yeah, I think I'll be pretty clear once I'm there. I don't think they'll need too much looking after. You'll be pretty clear with them. Will you be like, don't talk to me. It's going to be like high school all over again. Just drop me off a block away from the festival.

That's great. Don't wave at me. Dad driving a tuk-tuk and it's like, you're in your fucking pajamas. This is so embarrassing. No, clear as in like, you know, free of them. Right, right, right. I was thinking about today and I was thinking,

I reckon we'll be having breakfast with them every morning, won't we? Oh, you think you're invited to breakfast with them? No, but we will be having breakfast at the same time as them. Then it'll be like, well, we might as well sit together. Yeah, yeah, probably. I mean, I would like to try and do that. I feel like that's a good way of just spending a bit of time with them each day. They do get up really, really early though.

They will be there just busting down the door. Like people waiting for the doors to open at the David Jones Boxing Day sales. Just the early bird special. What time does the buffet start? Five or six? Probably six. Six till nine? Six or six.

No, I think it goes till ten. Okay. Yeah. I was just imagining i was thinking i reckon i'm gonna end up at the table with your mom and dad and they're gonna and your dad will be giving me reviews of the shows every night and saying there'll be a bit of that it will be interesting because it's like they've come to stuff you know they come to a lot of live pods that we do yeah and they're kind of around and they love getting in the mix but never to this

extent where they're just around it all flat out for a week. Yeah. But yeah, they're excited. They're really looking forward to it. Okay. Yeah, they can't wait. Right. Yeah.

I sent them the schedule. We put out the playing times today. Yep. And I sent them that. Yep. And they're excited about all of the stuff that's happening. Right. So this is what we've done in the past.

This is a bit of a secret, the past we've we do a this is a bit of a secret i guess but we do the shows and then we have a bit of a facebook group or whatever of all the guests and talent on the show and whatever and we say all right well this is where we're going to go just because you can't hang out with everyone all the time yes uh so let's let's and some of the guests you kind of you're trying to be a little bit protective of them yep and you don't want people getting hassled all the time. So we go, okay, there's eight of us, there's nine of us, there's seven of us tonight, whatever there is.

We're all going to go to this bar tonight. Yep. And it's also hard to find places. You can't have everyone around all the time. Yes. Because there's just also not that many places that can fit. Yes. 150 of us.

Totally. And like, for example, one night last year, I went to my favorite restaurant and went, let's everyone go to this one. And it completely fucked the experience for me because I could not get served. Couldn't get a beer, couldn't get food. And then I think a bunch of people basically ordered and then fucked off. And by the end, we all had to pay as a 100 person group. That's right.

And we were short about fucking 10 people. Was that last year or the year before? It was last year. Yeah, right. Yeah, brutal. And I think Nick Carr picked up the bill before? It was last year. Yeah, right. Yeah. Yeah, brutal. And I think Nick Carr picked up the bill. Yeah. Good on him.

Good man. The king. What a fuckhead. So, they're going to be on the secret list of coming out nightclubbing with us after this? No, they go to bed at like 8.30. No. So, yeah. That's disappointing.

Well, maybe I could talk them into coming out for a few cocktails. Yeah, kick on. Get a few. Kick ons? Three dollar cocktails. Mum could become the new Milan. But doing it for everyone instead of just you. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nice of her to branch out. Yeah. Great. Well, you're doing all right for yourself now. And now she needs a new project. She needs like Kappa. Right. Kappa.

Well, yeah, we talked about that on this app. Yeah, they're trying to turn Kappa into their new pet project how do you feel about my parents coming aside from the fact that you think you're gonna be having breakfast with them every day fine yeah you know i'm not i'm just interested i'm intrigued me too i can't yeah i think i i really the closer it gets i I'm like, this is so bizarre. Well, I'm interested in, I guess, your feelings about it because if it was my parents coming along, there's that traditional feeling of sort of thinking, oh, your parents are around.

Oh, this is sort of, you know, in some way embarrassing. It's stressful. Yeah, you don't know what they're going to say or you don't know what someone else is going to say to them. There's work. There's work either way. Yes. You can't just let them be and think, well, they're just going to say to them right there's work there's work either way yes you can't just let

them be in and think well they're just going to figure out the right option on or know what's going on or well i think a big part of it too is that they know from over the years they know have gotten to know a lot of the guests that we have on the show that are coming along with us right like they're big fans of blakey they love cody they love deal they love kappa like they love all those guys so um and yeah i've heard from listeners who've had interactions with my parents at stuff that they a bunch of listeners have been like oh your parents are great i had a really nice chat with them so i think kind of knowing that like i know that they're going to be like fine in the crowd right by themselves to mingle and mix around and stuff. And also, it's cool that they wanted to come and that they can come and to get to see this fucking stupid thing that we won't do again.

But this is the last. It's like that's exciting for them to get to actually put it into real context as opposed to just me describing it to them. And I think there may be being an assumption that's like, he just went to an island and took drugs and just made all this up. Yeah, yeah, right. And is there any word on your dad writing any sort of new piece for the festival? I did get some key plot tidbits the other day.

Right. It's being worked on? Something's being worked on. Something's brewing. Something's, okay, the cogs are turning. Interesting. All right. Right. It's being worked on. Something's being worked on. Something's brewing. Something's, okay, the cogs are turning. Interesting.

All right. Well, that's good. That's good to know. I think we save that one for the final night. Okay. Right. Right.

Don't you think? Sure. Yeah. I think so. Whatever you, it's not my parents. I think it's going to be, it's going to be funnier for people that are here

at having had four days in the company of the great man. Right. I think it'll make it land a little bit harder okay alright good nice

alright that's enough housekeeping Samui talk let's crack into this we're home we're home from England

everything's everything's fixed up everything's fixed up with the unplanned title because we were having difficulties where we could only do um a severely an embarrassingly reduced number of nights yeah yeah so really at one point

not even worth doing it yeah yep um so uh well i should have said the plan was to get everything fixed up um i have not gotten around to that quite yet. Interesting. Yeah. So I've still got the water damaged unplanned tidal alternator from England. I guess you're kind of off the hook in the sense that the last time people heard us talk about it

was only a week ago. Yeah. But in reality, that was recorded about four weeks ago. Yeah, yeah. So what's happened here is I haven't had time about it was only a week ago yeah but in reality that was recorded about four weeks ago yeah yep um so what's happened here is i i haven't had time to to get it fixed or anything like that um and in fact you know now that the water's sort of set into it uh it's gotten a bit worse the water's set into yeah well you know it's it's not great to have water in computers and you leave it well it's it's only going to get worse.

Things are going to get rusty. Okay. Oh, right. That's what's happened. Right, right, right. Okay. So it's actually gotten worse again. Right.

Yeah. So, well, just give me the back. We can only do five this week is what I'm trying to get to. So next week. I promise next week. What's the point? I promise next week. What is the point of having come back from the uk and europe and everything to just do this i may as well have just gone straight to samui

yeah but yeah you're right you should have so let's uh i promise i'll have a fix for next week all right i don't i can't be taking a faulty equipment with me to go samui i can't be taking some water damaged sodden computer computer and have customs go, what's this leaking computer doing? What's this rust flying out of this machine? Totally. So I'll have it done. All right.

Well, guys. This is the last time you'll have to put up with this business. You might need to go into your podcast app of choice and speed this episode down by 400% or something. Because otherwise, blink and you'll miss it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is going to be quite a shorter episode this week because we're only doing five instead of the usual dozens. Who knows how many?

Yeah. I can't even remember. But it's definitely, this is the smallest amount we've ever done. Yeah, absolutely. This is, look it up. This is the record. Okay, let's get into it. Number one for this week.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber Cassie Harrison. Any thoughts? What's your gut feel on this one? Cassie. It's a bit of a roller coaster, isn't it? Is it? Sort of like Cassie Harrison. Oh, right, right, right.

It's a bit of a vocal warm-up, is it? Yeah, yeah. Cassie Harrison, Cassie Harrison, Cassie Harrison, Cassie Harrison. So you're stumbling over it, which means it's a good one, yeah. Cassie Harrison. Cassie Harrison. Cassie Harrison. Cassie Harrison. So you're stumbling over it, which means it's a good one. Yeah. Cassie Harrison. Cassie Harrison. Cassie Harrison.

And I feel like your mouth is doing a lot of different movements with it as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's stretching. Yeah. It's stretching. This is like a hamstring pull. I've got an exercise that'll stretch your mouth. Yes.

Go on. Cassie Harrison. Right. Okay, thank you. I knew that one, actually. Cassie, good name. Attractive name. I knew that one, actually. Cassie, good name, attractive name. I like it. Yeah, you're a fan?

Yes. Harrison, I'm not really attracted to surnames so much. Have we gone into this before? Have you ever found a sexy surname? Oh, that's a great question. Any surnames ever affected your dong? Channed? No.

Any surnames ever affected your dong? Chand? No. You finding – have we talked about this before? Is this a thing you've brought up? The Cassie, you saying that's an attractive name, is that based on someone from your past? I think I've met a few Cassies that are just attractive and I think, yeah,

that's obviously – That's in the vault. That's who they give those names to. Yep. Yeah. And how set are you in that that if – like say you met a Cassie that was just absolutely hideous. Right. Would that be a – would that damage how you feel about the name or are your feelings about it, you know, strong enough to withstand something like that? Well, look, you know, if you meet four Cassies that are attractive,

then one comes along that's no good. It's like, well, Donald Bradman. I saw him make a duck on his last innings. What a shit batsman. No, he averaged 99.97. He had a lot of runs under his belt by then. You can't fuck his career up with one bad innings. But I'm sure there is at least one person in the world that does think that about Don Bradman.

There would be some cunt out there that's like, eh. Yeah. Well, he'd be wrong though. Yeah. He would absolutely be wrong. That's some cunt that fucking walks downstairs and thinks that's a good thing to do. Not this again. No, no, no.

Let's get right back into this. Cassie would not do that. Harrison, do I think it's a hot nickname? Surname. Not especially, I have to say. No, it's got Harry in it. Yeah, that's true. And son.

Neither of those are particularly attractive names. Yeah. It is a good, it's a complete package though. I really like it. It's a real. It's a sturdy last name. It's a sturdy last name. It's a first name where you can tell they've really thought about

what it's backing up against. One of those names where they've really actively gone, we've got to make this work really in tandem with the surname. Really? Yeah. Also, I have to say this. I don't think I've ever seen this. Cassie spelt C-A-S-S-Y.

Oh, that changes everything. Really? Fuck this. Really? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. You hate it now?

Hate it. Just the wrong vowel or the wrong... You know, Y isn't a vowel, but Y is always... Is it sort of known as like half a vowel? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's a de facto vowel. Is that what it is?

Something like that. I think it... Yeah, I don't vowel? Yeah, yeah. It's a de facto vowel. Is that what it is? Something like that. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know either. What a weird thing to do. You've got your vowels. We should brand this as a regular segment, the dumbest men in the world. Just us not knowing things.

Yeah. Once a week, I feel like in this, there's a point where we're going, is six a number? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is air good for you? Maybe we should write down all the dumbest questions we've asked ourselves or just dumbest things that we don't know.

That's really good. Yeah. If a listener can compile that for us, our greatest hits of the dumbest questions we've ever asked or things we've not known. Why is the letter Y half a vowel? Or is it half a vowel? Or what is it? Yeah. Yeah.

That's the question. Guys, please compile this. Get the spreadsheet going and let us know. Years and years and years and years ago, I always thought I had an idea for a book. And, you know, I'm sure it's been done since. But the idea was basically how to do everything. And it would be like, you know, 200 pages of, you know, things like the quickest possible way you could change a tire, light a fire, you know, all sort of basic and slightly interesting things,

all done within a couple of diagrams and whatever. I feel like, and that was, and I always thought, oh, that would be a great book if someone did that. That would definitely be a great book. I'm sure someone has done that since then but my new book idea is just all the dumbest fucking questions

in the world answered yes that's a good one all the questions that we've asked answered the complete like instead of how to do everything

all how to not be a complete fuckhead anymore or you could have like you could combine them so it's like I'm trying to think of a complete fuckhead anymore. Or you could have like, you could combine them. So it's like, I'm trying to think of a good example, like a basic thing that people need to know how to do.

Yeah. Right. And you're giving the instructions. And if there's any part of that process that involves a little bit of waiting, you've then got a little sidebar where you're like, here's some dumb fucking common knowledge that most people don't know.

Right. That you can read this bit and educate yourself on while you're waiting for this other thing to happen. Right. Does that make sense? A little bit. Thank you.

Thanks, Cassie. Thanks, Cassie. Cassie. Cass-I. No. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Nick Osmo. How does that make your dick hard? Osmo.

I like this a lot. Dick hard. Osmo. I like this a lot. Sounds like, I was about to say, it sounds like a kind of, like a 90s kind of kids TV show character. Yeah. But I realised I'm remembering a show called Plasmo. Right.

Did you ever see, Plasmo would have been well after your time. Rings a bell. Clay animated alien. Yeah, Rings a bell. On ABC. Rings a bell. From the vault of 90s kids shows where it's like, you watch it back now and you're like, this is fucking terrifying.

Right. How is this a kid show? He talks in this weird, he sort of had a voice like, you know, in The Simpsons when they think Mr. Burns is the alien? Yeah, yeah, yeah. His normal voice was kind of like that. It's very disturbing stuff. Fuck, what was it?

There was a show like that when I was a kid that was like, you'd watch it and go, this is too scary. I don't know whether it was scary or it was definitely spooky and weird. It wasn't scary, but it was definitely spooky. Yeah, yeah. No, I know what you mean, but just hearing it said out loud, it's a very funny distinction to make. Yes, yes.

And it was, oh, what was it? It was something that was like that. It was really weird and I was like, I remember watching it, you know, sort of a bit, almost a little bit like Doctor Who where you watch it and go, is this, should I be watching this? Right. Yeah. Have the producers of this show made a show for kids that is not suitable for kids? Right.

What the fuck was its name? It was something like you're describing, except the- Clay animated? No, it wasn't clay animated. It was real. And it was like- Oh, right. The main character's name was Cookie or something.

Fuck, what was it called again? Sesame Street. No, people... You thought that was spooky. No. Well, they're monsters. Yeah, that's true. There's a giant bird.

There's a monster that lives in the bin. Oh, boring. What if the Henson Corporation, what if they were trying to make a horror show and they're just dirty? They're just filthy. For all these years, people aren't taking it seriously look at this little kid show fuck what a diss you go i've made this really scary show with monsters coming from everywhere

i think it's the scariest thing i've ever done cool let's put it on at 7 a.m every morning let's chuck a spelling lesson in the middle um it is, yeah, Sesame Street, because Snuffleupagus in that show, he's a figment of Big Bird's imagination. Yes. That's fucked. That is fucked coming from a big bird that should have been a figment of someone else's imagination. Right.

Yeah. Yeah, the big bird going, I can see this big elephant thing. Bit weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No way that could possibly exist. Someone saying to a huge bird, that's weird what you're talking about. A giant bird that is talking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No way that could possibly exist. Someone's saying to a huge bird, that's weird what you're talking about. A giant bird that is talking. Yeah.

And Snuffleupagus, he's basically just a woolly mammoth. Yes. Something that has existed in the past. Yes. So what it actually is, is it speaks more to the very diminished capacity for imagination that Big Bird has. Yeah. That's the craziest thing he can think of.

Yeah. I agree. I'm not going to watch it anymore. You've made a good point. Well, I'm going to keep watching in the hopes that they do an episode about whether Y is a vowel or not. Right. Yeah, that's good.

That's a very good point. Thanks, Nick. Thanks, Osmo. Osmo. Osmo. That's the Osmo Chawang Resort. Oh, nice. That's got to be Eastern European or something, doesn't it?

Maybe. Probably. Osmo. Finland? O-Z-M-O. Finland. O-S-M-O. Finland.

Okay. I'm saying it. I'm picking it. Wow. Well, let us know. Yep. The best part of the week when those people pipe up in the group and let us know. Yep. Thanks, part of the week when those people pipe up in the group and let us know. Yep.

Thanks to Osmo from Finland. What's the city in Finland? Reykjavik? Absolutely no idea. Okay. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. Well, this is a bit easier. Thank you to Ashley Walsh.

Walshy. Very stock standard line of length. Very simple. Are we talking, what kind of Ashley spelling are we talking? Just exactly what you think. Well, there's two. Yeah, but what are you thinking? H.

What are you thinking? L-E-I-G-H. You're not thinking that. I was. When I say Ashley, that's the first Ashley that comes to your mind. Yes. That's not your basic. All the Ashleys that I know, that's how they spell it.

You're a fucking liar. Why would I lie about this? That's like me saying, tell me the first sort of potato you can think of. And then you say potato gratin. That's not fucking. You don't think of and then you say potato gratin it's that's not fucking you don't think of that straight away that's in my experience that's the ashley's that i've seen that's how they spell it what fuck you should hang out with some fucking with the with the wrong people i didn't say i hung out with the right people i just said these are the people i'm hanging out with a s h l e y

okay the way god intended okay yeah. Yeah. The normal Ashley. Okay. Not these fucking freaks with the name Lee at the end of it. Do you think that means, in my experience, because I was thinking it was a lady. So I think in my experience, Ashley when it's a lady is the way I'm thinking of. Right. And as a guy, it's spelled the way you're thinking of. Yeah.

Well, I've never met an Ashley, a female Ashley. Maybe that's it. Really? Yeah, that's what it's really coming down to. it's my small town prejudice against women maybe it's my small town upbringing yeah there you go there's just not enough people in that town to to you know to produce an ashley a female ashley there might be one there now you could go back and check you're right it's a good enough reason to go back and do a live show there things have changed things have changed back there

any female Ashleys in the crowd yeah no alright well that's the end of the pod see you in 20 years

off we go they've got a Thai restaurant there now yeah I saw I haven't said that on the show I put it in one of the social media

one of the dozens of groups that we're admin of they've got a Thai restaurant there so if we go back and I'd like to go back and do another

show we should it was fun last time but yeah but like we said we'll have to make a private

private chat so that no one knows we're going to the only Thai restaurant in town for dinner fuck yeah yeah

bring your parents back up there again yep yeah they had a great time last time yeah Ashley Ashley

Ashley Walsh another romp in that ball pit Yeah Did we Did we talk about Yeah we talked about it Yeah but

Did we talk about this That I I had a friend There From Because I don't really have Any friends left in Mirabai Because they all moved out

Yeah I've got one guy That I would hang out with That's left there He owns a bakery there And we went back And we hung out with him Jumped in the ball pit He had a big he's got a big playground in the bakery and we all got drunk

and jumped in there and thought this is the absolute best thing of all time and genuinely one of the best nights of my entire life that was so fun and he was like he hadn't even thought of it like that he was just like oh you can come back to my boring bakery that only has hot pies in the middle of the night and a children's playground that you can jump around and get pissed in. And then we all go back and go, this is the best thing ever. And then he's like looking at his own bakery with like new eyes going, oh my God, this is an amazing place after all. How come I didn't see this?

Oh, we're fucking around in the ball pit and then he comes out with a tray of pies. It was incredible. Yeah. So then he was all very excited because everyone was like going, this guy's the best. This guy's got the best business It was incredible. Yeah. So then he was all very excited because everyone was like, this guy's the best. This guy's got the best business of all time. Yeah.

Like just that stupid thought of like, you know, you could be here and get pissed every night and jump in the ball pit and eat a meat pie. Right. And he got very excited and was like, oh, wow, you know, cool. I've never listened to this podcast before, but I love this podcast now and all its listeners. And he was hitting me up later in the next week going, should I design a Dum Dum Club pie and bring it down to the live show?

And I'm like, I don't know what that would mean. How do you make a Dum Dum Club pie? Yeah, yeah. So in hindsight, I said the wrong thing. I said, no, I don't think you should do that. And he's like, oh, okay. And then I just sort of never really heard from should do that. And he's like, oh, okay. And then I just sort of never,

never really heard from him after that. We could have had our own pie. I know, but I would be in it. But what would be in it? Yeah. I just, I just imagined my friend coming down and saying to everyone,

guess what everyone, here's a dumb, dumb club pie. And then going, what the fuck are you talking about? What's in it? Meat. That's not on brand. I don't mind that.

If we just rebrand the meat pie, it's the dumb, dumb pie right okay thanks thanks Ashley very interesting here we go

number four for this week now we I don't think this has ever happened before but I believe we

are reading out the the partner of someone who was read out on the show two weeks ago. Ah, interesting. It's been separated by two weeks. Right. This is the husband. In many ways, like me on that flight.

Yes! Separated by... Yes! Some fuckhead in between. Yeah. Yeah. The husband of someone that was read out two weeks ago.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber Sean Sweeten. Was that two weeks ago or was that last week? I feel like it was maybe last week. Oh, maybe it was last week. You're right. Even better though.

Oh, well, even better. That's even better. They're doing the right thing. Back to back, you're right. Maybe you're right. Yep. Back to back. Wow.

Incredible. I don't think that's ever happened on this show before. Massive. It might have, you're right. Maybe you're right. Yep. Back to back. Wow. Incredible. I don't think that's ever happened on this show before. Massive. It might have, but we just don't know about it. Massive fortnight in their household. Yes. I imagine. They're gathered around the old iPod machine.

Yes. The old podcast machine. Yeah. Just rejoicing. And look, especially interesting given that his partner that was read out last week, I heard some criticism about the read that we had of them coming from the husband. Really? I heard.

Because she messaged us. Yes. And then I heard from her saying, yeah, a bit of criticism about the read and said, yes, Sean said that about the, you shouldn't be giving out all this info. Oh, he was angry that we'd said stuff about her. Yeah. Oh, I thought you meant she wasn't happy with her. No, no, no, no.

Oh, okay. Interesting. Interesting. Yeah. Right. So, I mean, you're now, they might break up over this. Yeah. Depends what we say in the next five minutes.

Right. Yeah. This could be, this could be um us putting pamela anderson in the movie borat they could this could break up pamela and kid kid rock have we really not read out sean before i really feel like we have because he's we've talked about him because he came to samui the first year and then he couldn't come last year because he had just had a kid. No, we haven't. Really? No. Interesting. Yeah. We've met him.

Yeah, I know that. Yeah. We haven't read him out. I know the difference between meeting someone and talking about them. But clearly I don't because I'm... Yeah, you proved yourself wrong here. I guess we were just maybe talking about him in the context of him being at Koh Samui for whatever other reason. Yeah, maybe that was it.

Because he was there with his brother he was and he's coming back with his brother yeah now see that's interesting

because he was at the Sean was at the first Koh Samui International Podcast Festival and he brought

along his brother who had never listened to the podcast before they had a great old time loved it

last year they did not come back because they were having a they both had kids at like pretty much the same time, right?

Yes. Yeah. And so this year, for the last one, Sean is coming back. He's bringing his brother back again. And I said, oh, great. Your brother's coming back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Has he listened to the show in between?

Absolutely not. Had a great old time with Samui. Then had a break from the podcast for two years And now he's back This needs to be the goal We need to get the brother Subscribing to the Patreon And continuing to never listen to it

Right Wouldn't that feel good? And his wife Wouldn't that feel really good? What's more interesting is we're going to have to fill him in On what's happened in the last two years Yeah I mean I'm sure he's really invested.

But he was the – I think if we sit down to try and do that, it's going to be a bit of a depressing reminder of the lack of growth that we've done in two years. Well, look, I got married and had a kid. That's true. There's two major things. Yeah, that's true. What have you got? I moved house. had a kid. That's true. There's two major things. That's true. What do you got?

I moved house. Got some drums. Got some drums. Yeah. Moved into the masturbatorium. But you haven't talked about your kid that much, and you won't allow anyone to say your wife's name. Yeah.

So those two things don't really have too much of an impact on the day-to-day fabric of the podcast. They do to me. Yeah. Yeah, of course. Yes, yeah. Fair enough. Yeah.

Yeah. We went to Koh Samui in between. Yeah. We'll have to. Yeah. Well, actually, we'll have to do, for Sean's brother, we'll have to do, when we kick off this year's Koh Samui Podcast Festival, we'll have to do a bit of previously on the Koh Samui Podcast Festival.

Right. Because he's seen season one and then he's just jumped all the way into season three right we'll have to bring him up to speed with who got whacked and well look it'll be interesting because he they were both uh good runners no one of them was a good runner and one of them was a bad runner i can't remember which one interesting one of them wasn't wasn't that good oh fuck i can't remember which one um but we were doing running club as we've talked about every year. We do running club first thing in the morning, get up. There might be five of us.

There might be eight or nine of us. Nothing too big, but we'll run like 5K basically and come back. So this year, culminating in this year doing a fun run. I don't know if we've talked about it on the show itself. We have not. We're doing – on the Friday of the festival, we're doing like a 5K fun run. So it'll be fun. Yep.

Celebrity Pro-Am. Well, it's in the title. It had better be. Celebrity Pro-Am, meaning there are guests and guests of the show, comedians, and whoever wants to do it as well. Yep. First thing in the morning on the Friday, like 9 a.m. I'm even wondering whether 9am's too late.

I want to try and compete with my dad, three-legged style. Oh, great. An all-sop dream team. And me and your mum. You're just dragging my mum through the sand. Come on! Don't let those cunts beat us! Just get full Greg Larson's rat world rage.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck. Yeah. I'm looking forward to it. Looking forward to doing the beach runs. Love the beach runs. Do you? Just because it's such a...

It's a novelty. Yeah. Right. It's such a great view to be running along and not – I find running is very repetitive and I'm constantly trying to think of ways to make it more interesting for myself. But there, you're running and you're seeing fucking these great views the whole time. That's true.

I don't need to have headphones on. I don't need any of that stuff. You just look around. It's awesome. Yeah. But look, it'll be interesting. Are you going to be in it? You're in it. You'll be running. I don't around. It's awesome. Yeah. But look, it'll be interesting. Are you going to be in it?

You're in it. You'll be running. I don't think I have a choice. Yeah. You're right. You're right. So there'll be me and you. There'll be Oliver Clark.

So he's a good runner. Yeah. Because that's the other thing. Now, I'm not driving this like this because I think I'm going to win or anything like that because I'm not. I don't think I'm a good enough runner

for that sort of stuff. I don't buy that at all, but sure. I, it's completely, completely. I, we'll put it this way. I think Oliver Clark, he's going to be running. He's a better runner than me. Brett Blake is going to be running. Brett Blake showed, when we were talking about running 5k, you know, a couple of months ago,

he got, we were talking about he got really drunk, smoked a heap of cigarettes, and then he got up the next morning first thing and ran a better time than I've ever run by far and hadn't done any training. So I'm like, well, then I'm not as fast as him. Dilruch is running times better than me. I haven't been doing super proper training or anything like that. So there's three to start with. better than me. I haven't been doing super proper training or anything like that. So there's three to start with.

That's most of the comics already that I think are definitely faster than me. So that's what I'm saying. I'm not backing myself at all. Yeah, I think this is all part of the, you're trying to get inside my head. Oh, no, I can beat you. I'm not trying to get in your head. I just think it'd be fun. Yeah.

But I'm definitely going to try. Yeah. But I don't back myself. I haven't had that much experience running on sand is the other big thing. That's the great leveler in a lot of ways because it's very different. Yeah, it's not that different though because most of it's pretty flat sand. most of us not there is a little bit at the front of the ozo resort yeah where probably for about 600 meters 500 meters it's that soft soft sand yeah so it's a pain in the fucking ass to start with yeah which yeah if it gets tight we're ending there aren't we yeah

if it gets tight at the end that's going to be bad yeah yeah it's just people people going flat knacker on not solid ground yeah yeah that'd be interesting yeah um but it'd be fun and so the the idea being that you know all you know people of all sort of um um times that they run and whatever you don't have to you know it's a fun run so the people want to take it seriously can take it seriously people that don't want to take it seriously can take it seriously. People that don't want to take it seriously don't. That's also the theory behind the indoor soccer team that you play for, isn't it? No, not for my team. I don't accept that when people walk in and go, I just want to have fun.

No, I can't. No one else knows this, but you're sort of in a different league to everyone else that's playing in the competition. So, yeah, great. As many people that want to come for a run as possible, that'd be great. Yep great But everyone else is please More than welcome to come and sit at the finish line

And cheer people on Yeah we need someone with the giant jug of Gatorade To jump over us when we cross the finish line Yeah or hold out Cups of cocktails At the halfway mark I am going to ask my dad if he wants to be in it Because he's pretty

fit yeah he swims a lot he's a pretty trim dude i bet he weighs less than me i bet i was i was uh i was thinking about today and i was like you you know your family very your mom and dad very mobile very uh like my if i was inviting my parents i'd be worried about them getting around yeah right right and they're not i don't think they're very different age to to your parents but they're less they're less mobile than your parents yeah yeah so there's no way they'd be running yeah they'd struggle to fucking walk it i think dad will think that he's not he won't be up to doing it right like he'll just hear that it's like a 5k run and a race yeah and he'll get spooked. He won't want to come dead last and look stupid is the problem. But maybe if I say to him, me and him, three-legged, joint team, then it's fine.

Yeah, but here's the thing. You're running. It's not cold, you know. It's 9 a.m. That's when it's just starting to warm up. Yeah, that's true. I wouldn't be letting your dad do it. Yeah, okay.

You know, I definitely wouldn't. You know, a 70-year-old bloke. Well, he can fire the starting pistol then. Totally. Yeah. Happy to have him, you know, judge, you know, be the man on the finishing line. He's an architect. He can design the track.

Yeah, for sure. Totally. He can do all that. Sexy grid girl outfit. Yeah. For sure. Totally. He can do all that. Sexy grid girl outfit. Yes. You know what? I would love someone to be at the... Because what we're doing was running from the Ozo. We're running down the beach, basically touching a wall down the end of it and then coming back.

So, you know, he could be a race official sitting on that wall. Oh, you started Ozo. I thought it was just one big long... No. Oh, okay. Started Ozo. So everyone can be watching us at Ozo. Okay.

And then we take off and then we come back. Okay, right, right. So, you know, it's good to have officials halfway down through the track or whatever. Yeah, yeah. So what, you know, spoilers or not spoilers, but I guess a bit of a secret. Me and you, we're not staying at the Ozo this year. We're staying at the sister resort. The Amari.

Yes, which is way up the other end of the beach. So basically we're going to have to walk down the other end of the beach, start the race, run back to where we were staying, and then run back again. That's good to know, though, that if I'm halfway through the race and just decided I can't be fucked, I can just go straight back into bed. We do run past the Amari. Yeah, we do actually run past their accommodation.

Fuck, this is going so long. Sorry. Thanks, Sean. Thanks, Sean. Thanks, Sean. Okay. We've got one left. Just one left.

Just the one left. For anyone coming to Koh Samui, if you've saved this for your in-flight entertainment, it's probably almost lasted the entire length of the flight. How long is this? This, what we've been doing right now, is over an hour. Okay, alright, we'll do this very quickly. Well, I'm in your hands.

Let's do it quickly then. Let's do it as quick as possible. Let's just read this last name out. Cool, no farting around. Yep, totally. What have we been talking about this episode? Then just read it out.

What? What have we been talking about? What have we been talking about? You're saying we need to get on with it. Yeah, yeah. You're asking me for a recap of things that we just talked about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know.

We talked about the stairs. We talked about... Okay, that'll do. Anyway, last one is... Yep. Stairs comedy for this week. Stairs comedy. we talked about okay that'll do anyway last one is yep stairs comedy for this week stairs

stairs comedy wow yep thanks thanks stairs imagine that do you think it's an actual flight of stairs

it's I'll tell you what it's a good game yeah that money better not be going down there you go thanks stairs thanks guys thanks for listening we'll see you next we'll see you next week Yeah, that money better not be going down. There you go, Elmer. Thanks, Des.

Thanks, Des. Thanks, guys. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week live from London, and then after that you'll be hearing Epps live from Samui, and we'll see you over there if you're coming with us. It's not too late. Book in littledumbdumbclub.com for all the links to tickets and all that sort of stuff.

We'll see you next time. See you, mates.