The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 458 - Dave Thornton & Eve Ellenbogen

Episode Date: July 17, 2019

It's the return of Diamond DAVE THORNTON and the debut of EVE ELLENBOGEN! We kick things off with some world economy updates before diving into Thorno's Bone Corner. We also hear about a new cafe near Chando's house AND we uncover some of Eve's disturbing childhood memories. SYDNEY! Big live podcast and stand-up show. July 27, 7:30pm.NEWCASTLE! It's our first time doing a podcast in your city. July 28, 5pm.PERTH! We're coming back with our yearly massive show. October 13, 4pm.HOBART! We're heading down for the first time for a live show in a small venue. November 23, 5pm.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Dave Thornton and Eve Ellenbogen. First of all though, we've got to let you know about a couple of dates we have coming up. In Sydney, July the 27th, huge live podcast with a stand-up show attached to it at the Giant Dwarf. Then the next day we head down to Newcastle, July the 28th. Still a handful of tickets left for both of those shows. Then in October we go to Perth on the 13th of October and then Hobart on the 23rd of November. Yeah, so littledumbdumbclub.com for tickets to all of those things.

Come and see us live. We will be back after the episode for another edition of Talking Dumb Dumb where we thank Patreon subscribers and wrap up the episode. But until then, enjoy this new episode with Dave Thornton and Eve Ellenbogen. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo.

With me as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, Dickhead. Oh, I reckon that's the best you've ever said that. Thanks, man. Look, before we get the guests in, I'll say one little quick thing, one little shout-out to people that listen to this show. I feel like this is – I'm about to mention someone who listens to this show. It feels like their behaviour.

Long-time listeners of the show will know that I run Comedy at Spleen on a Monday night. Now, at the end of Comedy at Spleen on a Monday night, I have the great job. Slow down the pace. Right. I have the great job. I got heaps of these stories today, right? I think people are looking at their phone going, did I put this on double speed? Trying to keep the pace up.

This is the top of the show. And we've got guests to bring in. Why don't you get the guests in first? Shut up. Okay. Quicker, get back to the story. Great, great, great. Comedy Explained.

I'm the guy at the end of the show. I'll sit there with the jug. People put donations in to keep the night running. People come in and put notes and coins and whatever it is at the end of the show so uh i do that last three weeks in a row someone uh has put in bart donations like 20 baht 20 baht thailand currency instead of putting in you know dollars yeah and i feel like that's like a bit of a ha ha ha suck shit just so you know that's good i will actually use that yeah so if you think that's like a bit of a ha, ha, ha, suck shit. Just so you know, that's good. I will actually use that.

So if you think that's a prank, you're fucked up because I put that straight in the skyrocket. Straight in the kitty. That's the first cocktail when you're there in two weeks' time. It's been 20 baht for the last three weeks. That's a beer. As soon as I get there, as soon as I land in Costa Mesa next time, I've got a free change. So thank you very much. You think you're being clever.

Well, you're actually being clever. Well, but you assume it's a... I love that you assume someone giving you money is like a prank in some way. Well, I think that's a prank that like they're giving me money I can't use, but I'm definitely going to use that. So thank you very much. Yeah. Well, keep it up.

That person out there, I do hope that is a listener and not just actually some random... It probably is a listener being polite. It could just be some random cunt. For three weeks in a row to keep putting in Bart, why not knowing my history? It could be someone who just recently went there and they keep finding new Bart hidden around the house. And they're like, well, the bloody currency exchange place

isn't going to take such a small amount. Fuck, well, I hope it is because that's even dumber than the initial plan. I hope this keeps going for a few more weeks. I hope it gets to the point where you've got enough money to buy a house over there. Yeah, right. Well, I'm a dollar in, so yeah, sure. Yeah.

All right. Joining us today on the show, we have Dave Thornton and for the first time, Eve Ellenbogen. There we go. Let's talk currencies. All right. Let's get stuck in. What's the best currency? Yeah.

currencies all right let's get stuck in what's the best currency yeah you know i hope someone just stretches your legs on just taking you somewhere else that isn't thailand like someone put some vietnamese dong in or just yeah yeah just something yes so at least you can oh very good um no but no literally i have a bag he's off we're we're at my house i have a bag of currency where because you get a lot of backpackers in at that gig, I've got money from fucking every country in the world that's like sifted through and I've just put in a bag at the end of the day. So literally when I've been going, when I've traveled and gone to places, I've gone to the bag and gone, great, well, there's a meal at the airport before I leave.

Not bad. Yeah. That's pretty nice. Canadian dollars, American pound, got it all. But that is a good one. If Asia ever come to your house, it's, oh, I run a comedy room. No, you're running from the law. All this currency and just cash sitting around.

But you're right, Thorno. That is a good way of someone inspiring Chando, or really anyone, to travel somewhere that they've never been before. You know, like places I've never been, if I all of a sudden just had heaps of the currency, I'd be like, I guess I just have to go there now. Because I'm getting like a dollar at a time or whatever. But if, yeah, literally if someone chucked in, you know, 500 drachma or whatever.

Where did you get that from? I don't know. Guys, who wants to go to Greece in 1985? Well, I'd be tempted then. If I've got 500 bucks worth I've got a chest of silver Well, yeah, what country takes doubloons? I'm going there

Is that Paris or the Caribbean? Are they in the Caribbean? Do I go to the West Indies? Oh, great I'm trading in Fiji in the 17th century Why did they get rid of the drachma? It's such a good name for a currency Bring it back Australia should just We get rid of the drachma? It's such a good name for a currency. Bring it back.

I know. Australia should just, we should just take the drachma. Yeah. Is that, is that, is that great? Is that what drachma is?

No, it is because of the seminal Greg Fleet bit that he used to mention drachma all the time. Right. It used to stick in my head because the year I knocked out a lot of great currency. Well, his great bit,

can I borrow 20 drachma off you, Dave? It's my, it's my daughter's birthday. I need 20 drachma for a Barbie dream house. I can invoice you for it, but I don't know what the sign is. How do I put that in there? We should timestamp this, by the way. It's the 16th of July, and the narrowing sketch still hasn't appeared online.

We've been talking about that recently. I've just looked it up. So drachma, drachma, former currency of Greece. Well done. Until when? Until the Euro? Until the Euro, yeah.

That knocked out the franc. The Euro had to ruin everything. Yeah, it knocked out all those great ones. The franc, the only other one that you know. Yeah, I was just trying to rattle off. The lira in Italy. Lira, thank you very much. Anything else?

Oh, sure. Yeah, whatever they used to have. Krona, I'm assuming. Oh, yeah. In the Navy countries. Nice. That's a good trivia question. Guess as many X currency of Europe as you can that have been replaced by the Euro.

The punt, the Irish pound, because they used to live in Ireland. Oh, yeah, I know that. They call it punt. All right. Stop bragging. I like that. What was the German one? I can't think of the German currency.

Is it Marx? Marx, yeah. Joe Marx. Yeah, that makes sense. Oh, great? I can't think of the German currency. Is it Marx? Marx, yeah. John Marx. Yeah, that makes sense. Oh, great. We grew up on World War II movies. Or just like upper middle class. We're going to Europe for the summer.

Yeah, I grew up trading currencies. What about it? I remember using the franc in France, but not a big deal. Whatever, guys. Hey, I do have a slight bone to pick, and I was holding on to this until we did this fun little podcast. Oh, fuck yeah. This is a bone to pick with Tommy, I assume? Oh, guys. Hey, I do have a slight bone to pick, and I was holding on to this until we did this fun little podcast. Oh, fuck yeah. This is a bone to pick with Tommy, I assume?

Oh, no. Is he of all the bones that get picked with me? Is this Thornow's Bone Corner? My fun little segment I'm trying to launch. Thornow's Bone Corner. Now, AZ, you're going to come in, find my money, and find your boner corner or whatever, and now we're all in trouble.

Looks like my wife's got something I can show her when we get home. Here's my bone corner. Friend of the show, Ronnie Chang, who is over here touring, which is great. What would he sound like if he was over here touring? Kyle, you owe me some drachma. So I did your little chuckle hut on the Saturday night in Basement Comedy. Basement Comedy, yes. And then I came down and the doyen was, as he always does, milling around,

making sure that the show's working. And I said, how's it all been going? He goes, yeah, it's fine. I'm out of here. I'm going to go check out Ronnie. And I was like, oh, hurts a little bit. Yeah, yeah, I know. I went to see Ronnie Chang play at wherever he was, art center or something like that yeah I left halfway through the gig before you went on yes sorry I'm sorry about that and just for the record uh the art center were

like hey Thornock you do it I'm like nah I got basement yeah yeah I got 80 seats to fill bro yeah loyalty yeah thank you they were like can you be Ronnie Chang yeah and you were like no I've got a gig yeah and so so we did that. And then Carl said, why don't we catch up? We've got a Bartronica. Now, that was not my choice. That was the choice of Ronnie Chang. I want to put that on the record.

Yeah. No, you love it. You were wanting to defend your honor of the high score of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. No, the video game theme bar was not my idea. That was Ronnie Chang's idea. You were like, some guy called Cum Knock Me Off the High School List. Is that true? And D.I.K.

is going back to the top, alright? Do you know what we're talking about, Bartronica? Do you know the place? It's a,

what is it, a themed video game bar in the city. Yeah, like arcade cabinets and stuff. Where is it? Tom Flinders Lane.

I want to know. Look it up. If you can't tell me where it is, you don't need to know. Tom Flinders Lane. I want to know. Right. Look it up. If you can't tell me where it is, this didn't happen. Right. You guys are just making shit up. Near Elizabeth Street. How unusual is this that a woman doesn't know where this joint is? Because when you get there, it's a real sausage.

For a second I was like, is this going to be like a sexist comment? But no. It's just that you guys are nerds. There's so many. Oh, that was the funny thing. Because we also went with another friend of the show, Milan. And watching Carla Milan's face, I said guys are nerds there's so many oh that was the funny thing because we also went with another friend of the show Milan and watching Carla Milan's face

they're like nerds look at them all they were furious that they were there so we're gonna go meet Ronnie he was living up to all cliches right this is what Ronnie

wants to do when he comes to town right is go play video games I won't play video games it's bizarre but anyway yes is it his choice it was absolutely his choice

right okay so he is a nerd but he one. It's bizarre, but anyway, yes. Is it his choice? It was absolutely his choice. Right, okay. So he is a nerd, but he's Asian. That's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shit. You're fitting right in. I'm like, oh, no, what have I done? Okay, yeah.

That's why he was breaking no cliches. He was probably driving really badly on the way there. He was doing all the things that you want to do. And so we're waiting there And Milan Surprise surprise Goes I'm going to get some drinks For all of us Right now So he leaves

With other friend of the show Nick Capa So there's just What's his guy's name Nick what Nick Capa Sorry who Oh seen him yeah

Nick Capa Actually incognito Not in a tux With his hair Just doing what it wants to do Wow Yeah Like in his natural environment

It was quite rare. So they go, and this young punk, I will say, came up to us. What would he have been? Early 20s, Carl? I think he told me. I think he told us he was 20 or 21. Yeah. Now, he may have been on some illicit substances

because he looked a little out of it. Right. Not really out of it, but a tad out of it. Okay. So it's just starting to hit. Yep. Carl and I It's coming up in the arcade

Yeah yeah yeah Wow Yeah yeah yeah Is he single? Yeah Yeah And he comes and sits down with us And it was

Look it was a strong play by him But he went Hey what's going on? Is this seat being used? And Carl goes Well it is actually But this kid didn't want to hear it Wait

Are you saying Carl wasn't friendly To the stranger? Well it was being completely accurate It was being used I'm surprised you didn't want to hear it. Wait, are you saying Carl wasn't friendly to the stranger? Well, I was being completely accurate. It was being used. I'm surprised you didn't tell him to go kill himself. Hey, yeah. You can have the seat as long as you use it to stand on and have a noose around your neck.

Thank you for noticing. I was hoping someone would notice I was being very polite, because that is the gut reaction. So thank you. Yeah, you're welcome. I just thought you have flies on your person to the Westgate Bridge. Here it is. I've already printed them this week. I'll book the Uber for you.

Wi-Fi is bad in here, so I've printed it out. So we're sitting there and this kid, he was being obnoxious because he goes, no, no, no, I can sit here. What are you guys up to? And both of us were death staring in mind. Nah, man, I want no part of this. But he was like, nah, I can sit here. What are you guys up to? And both of us were death staring him like, nah, man, I want no part of this. But he was like, nah, I'm still going to keep going. But the thing is, and this proves,

never commit a crime with Carl Chandler. For a man for all his bravado, he just looks at him, grabs his phone and goes, well, I'm out, and just starts looking at his phone. So I'm left with this chump. Did you literally say, well, I'm out? No, no, no. That's just implied okay yeah he

just checked oh look i wouldn't you know what when you brought that up i thought i wonder if this is the angle you're taking her so fair enough yes because he was uh uh i thought i can't trust myself i'm gonna say something bad to him so i'm just gonna i'm just gonna play it cool and not say anything but he was because he was talking to you and i honestly thought this is also going to play it cool and not say anything. But he was, because he was talking to you. And I honestly thought, this is also going to be very interesting. Because I got the vibe, maybe he was trying to crack on to you. And I was like, why should I step in the way of love? What the hell? Because he was just obsessed with going to you.

So how old are you? Are you 25? Are you? And he was like, really downplaying. And I'm like, are you trying to fuck Thorno? Because I'm in I'm into watching it I'm into watching this whole play

Wait just before we started recording Your wife asked me my star sign Which is kind of a way of asking how old I am So are you trying to say No not everyone's trying to fuck everyone alright But he was He was doing that thing Yeah this is weird Carl's giving us all glasses of water now.

We all feel woozy. What's going on? What's happening? Draw the blonde. But he was asking you your age and then really low-balling it. And I'm like, well, this is a classic old trick, surely. Like, what's happening here? And I go on about about all the time because I

got young kids as well you're just always looking at the clock on a night out thinking I'm going to be up early in the

morning and I wasn't sure if I was going to go to Bartronica but I want to just catch up with Ronnie so I was already

on the clock I want to go home and I was being quite curt with this guy I don't want to fuck this young man

I'm on the clock I don't want to be on the cock if I have gay sex tonight it's going to be really difficult to look after my kids in the morning. I'm going to be exhausted.

I'm surprised that you didn't just tell him to fuck off. I would have done that. Well, this is the thing. This makes me feel better, Carl, that you said you were trying not to hulk it up. I like it that you were at least suppressing your rage because from where I was sitting, it was like Carl just went,

you're on your own and just clocked out. And this guy was going, how old are you? And I was like, I'm almost 40. And I was being really short with him. He goes, what? I thought you'd be like 25. I'm like, no, I've got two kids. I didn't want to do the dance.

I didn't care. And he did go, actually, now that I'm piecing it together, this is like memento. I am going, oh, yeah, that does make sense that now it looks like he wanted to tap me because he was going, hey, I love your jacket. Yeah, exactly. And you love your jacket. Oh, yeah, go.

I couldn't see it through my fury. I was just like, leave me alone. In many ways, Kel getting onto the phone is like really good wingmanning. Yeah. You know, he's really saying that. But he did say, he goes, I love the color that you've got on and it's the jacket I've got right now. How did you not pick up on this?

Because I was just furious. I wanted him to leave. I hated everything about it. He's the jacket I've got right now. How did you not pick up on this? Because I was just furious. I wanted him to leave. I hated everything about it. He's like, your eyes are so beautiful and you're like, I have a child. Fuck off.

Get out. And he goes, I do like this about Carl. He goes, like, what's that collar? And Carl, who's on his phone,

just goes, sheepskin. Like, how do you not know it's sheepskin? No, but I said that, you know what,

if you remember, I said that, sheepskin, the jacket you have on. He had the same sheepskin. No, but I said that. You know what? If you remember, I said that sheepskin, the jacket you have on. He had the same jacket on. It's so annoying. But then I just, I was straight up with him, which I very rarely do in my life. I just went, I have half an hour left in me.

I've got young kids. I just want to talk to him. Can you leave? Well, the reason he's hitting on you is because he thought you guys were a couple and he was looking for a bit of action. You're chiming in. You know everything about the fabric of his clothing. It's sheepskin! Okay, that's insulting.

What, I'm dating Carl? What if I'm a whole lot better than Carl? But maybe that's what this kid thought. He's like, he could do so much better for himself. What would it take for you to figure out that someone's hitting on you? What would it take? It would take a night's sleep, to be honest.

I was just so tired. I was like, I hated this kid. I hated him. Do you think you're an associate of your wife at the moment, or do you know you're married? Do you know she was hitting on you? Do you know you're together? Oh, now that you mention it, yeah.

That wasn't just a family catch-up. That was a wedding that you went to. Oh, that explains why we split the mortgage that now explains why we're both on the paperwork no actually you're not married sorry I take all that back

you're not married we're living in sin that's why Israel Flower wants us to go to hell oh man sorry to hear that genuinely when do you think

was the last time you got hit on that you were aware going like I'm being hit on right now well other than now that we've explained it on this podcast

I obviously had no idea then I don't no I don't think I have to be honest you don't think you've explained it on this podcast. I obviously had no idea then. I don't, no, I don't think I have, to be honest. You don't think you've been hit on? No, but like for years. I think you just don't notice. I just don't notice. Yeah, you just think everyone's annoying. Yeah.

You definitely would be being hit on, like after gigs and stuff. No, I've realised this after gigs. Absolutely not. You know how, like there are some comedians that we do know that will get up and they'll be single dudes and they'll do the old, I'm really bad with girls. And the girls go, oh my God. Turn this around. And they're gorgeous.

I just don't see male comedians being hit on by women. I just don't think that all male comedians are taken care of by women in the audience who are more successful than them. I'm so glad we didn't name Tommy Little in any way. That's great. I've met women who've told me that they've name Tommy Little in any of that. That's great. I've met women who've told me that they've dated Tommy Little.

It is amazing. It's dated. I think now it's rarer in Melbourne to have not dated him. Right. It just says more about statistics

than anything else. And this woman said to me that his pick up line to her was you're gorgeous we should be together and then they were.

I'm like what an obstacle. What would it be like to be him? Yeah. If I tried that, I'd get maced. What did you say? If I tried that line, I'd get maced. You're gorgeous.

We should be together. But I'm like on my phone as I'm saying it. Mr. Thornton, want to play a double game of Donkey Kong? Want to play Double Dragon? But I realise, because if you put my set down in just beats, it'd be like, I'm tired, I've got kids, I'm tired, houses are expensive, I'm tired, I've got kids. Good night.

I think you're still getting hit on, you just don't notice it. So every person just goes, no, no, they do. Everyone backs away going, okay, he just seems pretty angry right now. He seems like he wants to go home and go to sleep, so let's not hold him up. You're right though. I mean, in you talking about like having a partner and having kids and all that kind of stuff,

that is a brave person that's going to come and hit on you afterwards. Like someone who's like, I want to try and fucking ruin this guy's life. You know what I mean? Like I want to bring it all crumbling down. I'm sure I've done it before I started doing stand-up. I probably would have come and talked to you

and been like, so how old are your kids? Do you feel like living your wife? I think he likes me. I kind of have a thing with Dave Thornton. have come and talked to you and been like, so how old are your kids? Do you feel like living your wife? I think he likes me. I kind of have a thing with Dave Thornton. That's when Carl runs over. Leave your sheepskin alone! Now Carl will go, I'm out. Let's see how this unfolds. I'm bringing

my child, straight after this episode is recorded, I'm bringing my child to the mother country for the first time. Not Thailand. Mirabar. Ooh. What's the currency there?

I believe it's meth. Yes! Yes! A few shards in the spleen bucket last night. And a V-line ticket. How young is too young for meth, by the way? That's my next question. Well, okay.

If you're not going to sleep, I'm really going to drive this one home. Duke and Blake, this game, mate. Yeah, I'm going to bring my baby up to a place where people speak less English than my baby, so that should be good. No, so I'm bringing her up there straight after this gig to Maribor to see where it all started

where the lineage all started so that's going to be interesting what is the family crest there at Maribor the person on their phone

I could not imagine someone in Maribor with a family crest fucking hell I mean there's about five families up there to start with, so you wouldn't have to think of too many.

You share them all. They'll all be like slightly similar to all the other family crests. Cousins linking arms. How about it? So what have you got planned? Are you going to show her the train station? Are you going to have, since I left you, playing in the car on the way up?

Yeah. The full experience well yeah mum has said like because we live the family home is outside of Maribor it's like 15 minutes outside so she's like

so you're not even in the CBD no the CBD what's that like yeah yeah yeah like people in Maribor are calling us yokels right

15 minutes out I gotta get out of this hustle and bustle yeah yeah yeah I'm gonna break it's like a sheep. Yeah. So crowded.

It's a much shorter drive to work when you live outside of Maribor. You're not stuck in like a five-car traffic jam in High Street. No, we don't have any plans, but mum was like, oh, you know, you come out to the family home out on the farm, but, you know, go into the city. I'm like, oh, God, city's a big word. City's a big word for a town of loosely 7,000 people or something. It's like a strip.

Yeah, you can go into the town. It's like, well, what are you going to see in there, like, honestly? But there is news. There is now, officially now, a Thai restaurant in Maribor. Oh, world. Now I do have a site to take my child to have a look at. And you can spend your baht. Yes.

Yes. 60 baht burning a hole in my pocket. Can I get a chicken skewer? I reckon they just joined the dots. You've now done enough festivals over in Thailand. They're like, we keep hearing this word Maryborough. We have to send someone over there. This feels like the Mecca.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Is that where you grew up? A bootleg Thai restaurant. Yeah, it is where I grew up. It's a town of like 8,000 people. I can't believe you left. Why?

I'm sarcastic. Okay. Well, lots of people don't. I don't know. No, look, it was fine to grow up in. Like, you're not from a small town. Are you from New York City? I'm from outside of the city, but it's a commuter city.

So it's like 50,000, I think. it what's it called it's called white plains okay well only white people are allowed yeah yeah no it's very it's a very diverse city um yeah it's right it's next to like it's next to all the rich town that's out of manhattan but it's not a rich town there's a lot of stuff there but it's like so what's the what's it known for like what's its industry or what what's this what's on the post what's on the postcard of what white plains probably the the mall i mean right now now it's known for bars it's where everybody in the suburbs goes to drink on the weekends it used to be known for like i don't know i mean it's really just a place where commuters to manhattan live so you take

the express like a new suburb, like Caroline Springs here. Kind of, but it's not. George Washington fought a battle from there, I think. From there? Yeah. Just a long range bow and arrow? There's a place called Battle Hill, which is apparently part of the Revolutionary War.

Did he send a commuter plane into New York City? Was that? Yeah. Wait, what are you referencing? What do you mean? I don't get that one. I'm just trying to understand. Yeah, yeah.

I understand how to lose listeners in New York. Yeah, I'm like, oh, God, sorry. Sorry to the one family who died in 9-11. But, yeah, it was just, you know, it was pretty boring. You go into the city, you get drunk, you come back on the late train. Surely when you're a kid growing up, like what's the cool bar? Where's the place to hang out? We couldn't go to – oh, this is what we used to do.

We couldn't go to the bar because they actually carred in 1921. We went across the Tappan Zee Bridge, which goes over the Hudson River, into like a strip mall where they had a bar that we called Tie Guy. Called what? Tie Guy. It all comes back. It was actually your bar. It was this really creepy tie dude who was later shut down because it was a brothel, we found out.

We found out. Yeah, we found out when he chained us to the bar. Hey, something's up, but I'm getting free drinks. Let's ride this out. I used to spend my babysitting money there and it was like $16. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You used to spend your babysitting money at a brothel? No.

What? But it was a bar. It was a front for a brothel. I want to see how these things are made. Going back to the source. We had a really wild childhood. No, it was like he would shut the place down and like 50 of us from my high school would come

and he would sell us shots for like 16 or 20 bucks each. Whoa, whoa. So he would shut the place down so it became like a lock-in. Yeah, for high school students. So no one knew it was open and he would just shuffle the high school people in the back door.

Well, we'd come in the front door but he would lock it and you had to knock and be let in. Oh, wow. So the police couldn't come. And then he would sell you shots for how much? For $16, which is crazy. But he would always...

He's like the reverse Milan. Right. He would always... $16. He would always give the girls free blowjob shots. I'm so glad you closed that sentence with red shots. Which was like, he'd take the red plastic cups and turn them upside down so that they'd be on kind of a stool. And then a shot on top and it was like whatever you put in it.

But probably really watered down liquor. And then whipped cream on top of it. And you'd have to do it with no hands. And of course we'd all get whipped cream on our faces. And he'd be like, yeah, you come to Tiger, you have good time. And we'd play the jukebox but that was where we like spent our weekends and um and lived but yeah later on it was shut down as a brothel and we're like so it was a brothel the whole time it was a while you're in there doing this and you just had no idea we were funding it

yeah we just had no idea i'm sure there were like sex slaves like in the back room. Those blowjob shots. Yeah, exactly. The blowjob shots with the whipped cream with underage drinking was like the nice bit of the business. Yeah, exactly. The legit of the front. It's the pet shop. No one will ever think that anything dodgy is happening back here.

You know, it's like a yin yang. Nothing dodgy happening here, officer. Just underage girls getting whipped cream all over their face and drinking liquor. Yeah, that's great. Yeah, the businessman having sex and it's like a yin-yang. Nothing dodgy happening here, officer. Just underage girls getting whipped cream all over their face and drinking liquor. Yeah, that's great. Yeah, the businessman having sex and it's like, quick, the cops are here. And the wall spins around. It's just a bunch of 15-year-olds sculling Sam Booker. And I'm only charging him $16.

We're good. We're good. That's odd, isn't it? Yeah. I mean, it all makes sense looking back. But in the moment, we were like, what a good guy. You know, what a kind of a parental figure really. Oh, anyone, when you're a kid, anyone who lets you drink alcohol is like, this is the

best adult ever. Yeah. Man, we had the same thing. It was the Rheingold in Geelong, which is a German restaurant. Though I think it's a similar thing. It got shut down. Right. And we would head there with like all of our group, but the girls are all part of our group.

Like he would basically go, oh yeah, you guys can come in. Oh, I guess you guys can come as well. And that'd be the same. He was just giving them shots of whatever German liquor he had, Jägermeister, whatever. And we were talking 15 years old. And he'd just be like,

yeah, just sit in the corner. It'd be fine. And just got us drunk. Did he make them take blowjob shots without their hands? Man, it was pretty creepy, I remember. Totally.

It's so weird. Who would think that that guy would be creepy? I know, just a creepy old German dude is the thai guy bar still there no i think it was called like seashell in or something that no it was shut down okay uh and so now when i go home i have to find places the new yeah find where he set up shop yeah the new operation is reboot it maybe you started back up that's my dream is just to get underage girls really drunk. With whipped cream all over their face.

Yeah, exactly. I know someone who can put a bit of Bart behind it. The new Thai guy. It's funny because people think if you're from New York or if you're from the suburbs that you grow up in this way that's amazing, but it's the same shit wherever you are. Same as Mary blah, blah, blah. Where are you from again? Yeah, yeah, Mary blah, blah, are you from yeah yeah mirror mirror blah blah yeah same thing no sheep yeah yeah but it's not

the same thing you take the train into manhattan island he takes the v-line into ballarat yeah yeah no no that's that that's good like we didn't have the v-line going into ballarat when i was a kid you had the bus that would go to Castlemaine or Bendigo. Right. Castlemaine or Bendigo. On the bus, I'm such a Samantha. Living it up in the big smoke. There's no train.

There's a train now. There wasn't a train when I was a kid. That would have been fucking awesome. I dreamt of V-Line back then. The Industrial Revolution happened in Maryborough. Kids in Maryborough got it too easy now. They've got McDonald's there. They got a train there.

There was no McDonald's. No, not back then. It's funny. You just don't realise how privileged you are until you get older and meet Carl Chandler. Carl's a child

beating off to Thomas the Tank Engine. Oh, fuck. Look at that. And Ronald McDonald. It's got a a tie shop, McDonald's,

a train. It's like you actually wouldn't leave right now. Yes. It's like you actually wouldn't leave right now. Yes. It isn't everything you've ever wanted for the big city. There'd be no reason. Maybe your daughter would be like,

I want to live here, Dad. Yeah, yeah. Like Hawthorne. Fair enough, too. I was treading water with that other shit. Yeah, yeah. Let's get involved. Speaking of shops in Hawthorne,

there is a new... Look, I don't know that much. I'll put my hand up. I don't know that much about the world's economy. But it seems to me... Oh, you know Drachma. It seems to me... The hand was already up.

Yeah. The Drachma is going down. It seems to me like it's not as up as it was, right? The world's economy. And I'm basing this on two things. Where's this podcast going? I've been being on it for a few months. What happened?

The world's economy. Okay, sorry. Continue. This is Dow Jones Corner. Yeah. All right, Kwanda. Are people tweeting it? What's happening?

This is the bare-ass investor. The world's economy. Hey, Carl, how's the economy? Okay. Great summation. Oh, by the way, with my baby, people keep saying, oh, what's she doing now? Has she rolled over?

Has she done this or she's done that or whatever? This is the one thing I can say to people, is that I taught her to go... So she's now... I did that a bunch to her and then I went to work and then my wife is just texting and ringing me going, our kid won't stop going... She's just sitting by herself and I'm went to work and then my wife is just texting and ringing me going our kid won't stop going

she's just sitting by herself and I'm trying to get her to sleep and she's going so I've done something to influence my child your wife's at work and just a little g'day dickhead under the desk mate that can

come back to I know now we've gotten far away from your economic chat We'll be back People are wanting to work out their budget by what I'm about to say next so we'll get back there But my daughter, my two and a half year old will now run out to the kitchen during bath time

and gets a full presentation like turns out and goes, daddy and I'll be washing the dishes or something and she's like, fuck it. And I go, oh, no, that's... And you try to change it. You mean truck it. Are you trying to say truck it?

And you can see her going, oh, no, maybe I've stuffed this up. But it will come back every now and then. I've been in the car and she's just been going, fuck it, fuck it, fuck it, fuck it. And I'm crying in the front seat trying not to encourage her. Right, right.

Where did she get it from? Hey? Where did she get that from? Her mother is a potty mouth. Oh, really? Horrendous, mate. Wow. That's great. No, it's totally you. Totally me. It is 100% me.

Are we falling for this? I was already trying to think of blackmail. You guys have met Nicky a handful of times, but I love it that you've gone, oh, well, no, fair enough. Story checks out. Look at this clown. Yeah, fair enough. That's what Thor knows I don't know well enough. Look at this clown. Yeah, fair enough. That's what Thorne is up for.

Yeah, right. All right, so tell us about our investments and what we should plan. Great, great. Well, this might influence your shares and things like that. Yes. So, world economy has gone down.

Gone down. Yeah, I believe. It's gone down, yeah. Buy stocks in Maryborough McDonald's if you can. That's our hot tip for the week. Yeah. Now, I would base this on two things, which is that there's a lot of shops around Hawthorne and Richmond.

A lot of shops around Hawthorne and Richmond that are now empty. So I think that means down. In the economy, yeah. Well, Hawthorne is known as little the world. Yes. It's a good sample. It's microcosm. Not to cut you down straight away, but you did move in a few years ago.

I don't know if that has anything to connect with. Richmond as well. There's Richmond as well. This place has gone to the dogs. Richmond and Hawthorne. That's crazy. I mean, Chapel Street's booming, but this is the gauge. Also, I take it that Australia's not doing as well because five years ago when I used to go to Thailand, I could buy beer for about $1.60.

Now when I go there, it's like costing me $2.30. Oh, my God. $16 for a shot? No, no, no. It's okay. Not that bad. I take that as like a snapshot of the world economy is not as good as it used to be. Wait, but wouldn't that mean that the Thai economy was better?

Yes. But that's not the world. Well, I guess Australia. That's just Australia, I guess. So, a lot of empty shops in Hawthorne now, right? The only two points of reference you've got in your life. Hawthorne and Thailand. Why do I need to know anymore?

Why? Exactly. Well, you proved me wrong. Proved me wrong. I haven't heard Anyone else's points But it's like Hawthorne bad Thailand good

World bad That's the Yeah yeah I'll know this next time To bone up on my World economics Before I come into The dum-dum-dum

What is the price Prove me wrong Thank you I'm yet to hear A good argument against you I don't know What we're arguing Well yeah well

You're so far out of it, you don't even have an argument. Yeah. Have an opinion, pussy. Yeah. At least these guys are smart enough to keep their mouth shut. So. I wanted to see this segment on the Today Show.

What, are you going to challenge me? Didn't think so. Economics. There's no one else in the studio. Over to you, Moira. What are we selling, bed sheets? Thank you. And I'm embracing my rifle title as the Gordon Gekko of Hawthorne.

So, despite all of this, now this is what's so curious to me. With that knowledge in my head and now in your head of the world economy. So it's down? Yes, it's down. Thank you. Thank you. Someone's learning. You said something.

Oh, it's down. Yeah, okay. I'm just trying to work out what we're actually talking about. It's down, Tommy. The economy is down. This is uncharted territory. Now, there is a new shop in Hawthorne from all the places that are closing down. For example, there's a closed down milk bar next to this new business in Hawthorne.

The new business in Hawthorne is a themed cafe, right? And the theme is that everything in it has got gold in it and gold on top of it. Really? Yes. So everything on the menu, when you check the menu, it is full of coffee with gold. $15. But doesn't that... Gold specs?

Yeah, something, yeah. Doesn't that mean that the economy is up, right? Because people can afford now to buy gold in their coffee. But there's no one in there. There's no one in there. That's the thing. It's just opened up. I walk past every day and there's no one in there.

There's gold milkshakes. There's gold chocolate milkshakes. How shocking that no one is buying these gold milkshakes. What I'm saying, especially as you heard with the world economy going down, this is a bad time to be opening up a gold food and drink themed cafe, isn't it? Totally, because you're just thinking, well, yeah, I can barely afford food. I don't reckon sprinkling gold in it's going to make it cheaper. That's so weird.

Isn't that insane? But also you're going past make it cheaper. Yeah. That's so weird. That is really weird. That's super weird. But also, you're going past and you're not seeing that many people in there, but if the cost of things is so high, they don't need to be full all the time. Look at that. They only need one Rockefeller to come in and have a big meal. It's like when you see a Ferrari dealership, you're not getting 100 people in every day. There's not a line out the door.

You just need one. You just need a higher quality customer. Yeah. None of these clubs. And then he just goes, now head back to Sovereign Hill, get some more. That's sweet, sweet gold.

We'll try to make a sale next month. Yeah. There's probably Mr. Monopoly is in there right now getting an ex-Benedict with some gold hollandaise on the top. He's loving it.

What a stupid business idea. Yeah. But yeah, imagine being like, all right, I've got it. Just a cafe. But it's all gold. But it's just a cafe. But it's all gold. It's like a cafe, but it's gold.

But this reeks of one of those things where like that's almost every business now, especially in the food service thing where like you've got to be Instagrammable. You've got to have that thing that's going to get you written up on your broadsheets and your 3,000s and stuff like that. So you can't just open a cafe. Who cares? You've got to have like, oh, this is the place where they put a dildo up your ass when you get a cup of coffee.

That's Instagrammable. That sounds fine actually. You can keep your gold flex. Wow, hello. I'm waiting. A place that makes you cum when you get coffee that's actually fine with me if you're a cock block for that cafe channel you're out of here okay the economy's fine for that to happen everyone needs that if you're ready to come doesn't matter

what the economy's you already put up a wall at bartronica i don't know what was going on you're not getting in the way of this one but But isn't that such a weird thing to like, like I get it if you're going to like sell some hoity-toity sort of item of food or drink where it's like, okay, well, it's a, you know, a plate of caviar and we'll put Goldflex on it. Not a Chucky milkshake. Every day, yeah.

Who wants to go in and get a chocolate milkshake? Oh, but, you know, don't go easy on the gold. Get the gold in there. How expensive are the coffees? Yeah. The milkshake, I think, don't go easy on the gold. Get the gold in there. How expensive are the coffees? Yeah. The milkshake, I think, is $16. Wow. It's crazy.

Yeah, yeah. The coffees are, I think, $12 or $13. Wow. And gold doesn't have a taste. No. Well, does it? None of us have enough money to know. I've never eaten coins before.

Has the feeling ever fallen out and you've gone, oh, that's nice? You're me. Nothing about it makes sense, but I've got eaten coins before. Has the feeling ever fallen out and you've gone, oh, that's nice. Beyond me. Nothing about it makes up, but I've got to consume it. You want gold in your life, just not internally. It's just even people that are deliberately going there and ordering it on purpose are going, this is a stupid thing to do.

Do you guys have that gold flecked alcohol here? Do you guys have like Goldschlager? No. No? That was the first thing I ever got super drunk. Is this another Thai guy thing? It should be. Right.

Goldschlager. The first thing you ever got drunk off was gold alcohol. I mean, it was the first thing I ever got so drunk that I lost control of my life. Like, I, you know, like, I mean, I'd gotten drunk before, but it was, like, my friend and I split. Did you get drunk at Fort Knox? Just in the gift shop? Yeah, in Battle Hill. Yeah. during the war yeah um it was like a cinnamon flavored liqueur with gold flecks in it so that's the kind of person who's attracted to it it's like a 16 year old girl

right who's like tonight i'm gonna get marino to love me um and um it was horrible i i vomited and i told marino that i wanted him to be in love with me. And he said no. And then I called my dad and told him I was blind. And then I got picked up. But anyway, my point is that, you know, there is... You vomited gold. Yes.

But seriously, I was vomiting gold that night and the next morning. And actually, there's something to it. So you don't know what's going to happen with this cafe. Once they get their teenage girl market share, they could take off. Well, now we've put this place on the map. Our list is gone.

This sounds fucked. I am tempted now. I kind of do want to go there, yeah. I wonder if they'll, as they're not making profits, it just goes down like each week. You're like,

oh, you're silver this week and they're just moving down the periodic table. Damn it! You can just get through a copper this week but i don't know if it's gonna hold yeah yeah have you been there have you i haven't i haven't it's just open so i it is it is definitely it has made me always walk on that side of the road from now on because i've always got to look in there and go what's going on here it would be really crazy if this place takes off and becomes like the place in this neighborhood.

Oh, I would love it. I would love it if I got to watch someone eat gold every day in there. Right, but if you go and you're like, this is actually amazing, you take the baby, Instagram pictures of her. Yeah, I'd get my baby to eat gold. At its first solid, it's eating gold. That's a very Chandler thing. It's just fussy, that's all it'll eat. Going back, it's mother's feeding it.

It's like, no, no, put a few flecks of gold on the nipple. Thank you very much. Is it organic gold? I'm just going to make sure it's good for the kid. I mean, it really is like a thing like that is why other cultures hate the West. Yes. That's a very good point. You know, a gold cafe, like, fuck, we just deserve everything.

That's the kind of shit we're doing what about this because we've copped this a bit lately you and I Tommy where listeners have like just sent us random amounts of money

and gone like we were in London we were in Thailand and people sent us in stuff and gone here's 50 bucks here's 100 bucks here's 150 bucks

have a big meal on me you're over there you're having a great time why don't you do this? And we sort of didn't really make a point of doing it. So maybe we should make a point of like- The gold cafe. Going to the gold cafe and getting a chocolate milkshake each or whatever the fuck it is.

Yeah, that $150. Get a slice of toast each. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just get gold on everything. Because I don't know if they put gold on the- I don't know if you can get gold on an omelette or whatever. Is the gold on Uber Eats? Oh, yeah.

You can't even be bothered going to get your own gold. Love that. It's like the best hangover cure. Can you guarantee you're sprinkling gold on the scooter as well? Put some gold on the Vespa and make it a gold delivery. Oh, the delivery guy. Yeah. Yeah, it's like when they've busted Uber Eats drivers

like eating chips out of the bag of the audience. This guy like taking some of the gold shavings. Oh, yeah, yeah, you get it and there's no gold on it at all. And you just ask the driver and he's just got gold all around his lips. All on his chin. Have you got an ice cream moustache but with gold? Or it's one of those things like when you eat beets and you don't remember and the next day you're like shitting or peeing.

Oh, yeah, yeah. You think you're bleeding. Yeah, and you get drunk and you go to the gold place and the next day you're shitting gold. And you're like, what's happening to me? My anus has the Midas touch. Guys, you can glitter a turd. Like, it looks great.

Not only does my shit not stink, it's gold. What if you got like a golden scrambled eggs Like, it looks great. Not only does my shit not stink, it's gold. What if you've got, like, a golden scrambled eggs and you took it into cash converters? Oh, yeah. See what you can get for it. That's a good point, actually, yeah. Get them to open up their own McCafe in cash converters and just sell them breakfast.

Yeah. Secondhand breakfast. Or just scooping out your own fecal matter after the waste of the next night. I finally found a gold nugget. Here it is. See, if they had something like this

at, say, like, Sovereign Hill, that would be a cool time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, tying into, like, panning for gold and the gold,

and then the cafe, you're, like, eating gold. But just panning this in the middle of Hawthorne. Because you know the gold's fresh if it's at Sovereign Hill.

It's fresh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, that newly made gold. Honestly, that would kill because, you know, parents would go to Sovereign Hill with their's fresh. And also- Right, that newly made gold. Honestly, that would kill because parents would go to Sovereign Hill with their kids being like, you could find gold, you never will.

And then if you're on the way out and there's a gold cafe, kids are like, I want my gold and that's where it is. Parents would be guilted into using that place. I remember going to Sovereign Hill

as a little kid on the way. Okay, I'm sorry. Well played. I remember going to Sovereign Hill as a little kid and in the car on the way they're going like, this is going to be fucking great. We're going to find gold. We're going to be fucking millions. We're going to bevereign Hill as a little kid and in the car on the way they're going like, this is going to be fucking great.

We're going to find gold. We're going to be fucking millions. We're going to be rich. Honestly, because I was in the ads. It was a kid finding a massive gold nugget and me going, this is going to be gorgeous. For you, just so you know what we're talking about, there's a place outside Melbourne called Sovereign Hill.

For people at home, mate, not everyone, in Ballarat called Sovereign Hill where it's a themed, it's like a very boring theme park where you go there and you get – It's a trick. You get accidentally educated about the old times. Right. And there's a recreation of like – there's a big like dam where you can shake for gold

that they've manually put a little bit in. Well, also historically Ballarat was our San Francisco. That's where the gold rush was. Well, I was thinking when you guys were talking about this, I'm like I'm so glad I grew up where I grew up because this sounds like the worst fucking day. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's just like... A brothel is better than sovereign health. Seriously. I can't imagine my dad being like, let's go pan for gold. He was like, let's go look at

the Embers State Building. Oh, that's the best bit. Like the rest of it, you just walk around and they go, here's an old time bowling alley. And you're like, wow, you've managed

to make bowling worse. This is terrible. But like, it just sounds like that was boring upbringing. It really was one of those like tricks when you're a little kid. Oh, it's a theme park. And then you get there. It's like, not only is there no rides here, I'm being tricked into learning as well.

Yeah. Maybe you sit in a class and they would say, so this is what a class was like. Oh, so older and shitter than the one before. Gotcha. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, we had stuff like that too but i don't know there's something about being still closer to new york city where

it's like this is quaint and then we can go where real people live well honestly because of those ads because and this is how sheltered people get like living in the city and whatever um my wife uh is like uh you know she doesn't want to go to other parts of Melbourne, let alone outside of Melbourne, honestly. Like, where wouldn't she go? Like, she, when we first met, I had just moved from Williamstown, which is across the other side of the Westgate, to Collingwood, which is a lot closer to where she was living. And after a few weeks, she was like,

she found out I'd just moved from Williamstown. She's like, I'm so glad you don't live there anymore because if we had first met and I had known you lived there, I wouldn't have gone out with you. Like that's just too – I'm not driving that far. Like fucking hell, that's true love. So she – I back her in.

When we first went to Ballarat, like I said, we're going to go to Ballarat on the way through to go to Meribah and she was like really against it. She didn't want to go. I'm like, why don't you want to go to Ballarat? And then we got there and she's like oh okay I'm like

what did you think it was going to be Sovereign Hill and she's like yes she actually thought it was going to be we were going to drive

down the main street and like hope to not knock over prospectors that are like trying to get gold shavings in the main street in Sturt Street Ballarat

like as if remember they still talked about Japanese soldiers supposedly through Southeast Asia who didn't know the war had ended? It was like the 70s and they're still going,

we're still fighting it because they never got told by the superior officers. Like no one told them Ballarat that the gold had emptied and that modern age had come through. That would have been great if you'd known that a bit more

and you just like, you pull in and you just drive into Sovereign Hill and you're like, here we are. Yeah, yeah. Main Street of Ballarat. That's mum and dad.

That's shanty over there is where I grew up. You have to leave the car on the outskirts. They've never seen it before. It'll shake them up too much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mum and dad don't know about cars yet, so don't mention any broom, broom. Like they're Amish. It just doesn't work.

Chandler's scrolling through an abacus just out of habit. Leave the smartphone behind. You're always on that abacus. This guy's a bit annoying. Trying to start moving some little dots across. I was scrolling through post-it notes. It was great just seeing what people were up to, just on their drawings.

Because for me growing up in Geelong it was like I realised in hindsight my parents didn't want to fly anywhere because their mates would maybe fly to the

Gold Coast or go to Dreamworld my dad's like nah wherever we're driving to that's where we're going so I would go Ballarat

Bendigo Mildura it was just that was an upbringing just filled with all that stuff where you thought like the one tram

in Bendigo you're like wow how does this work? All right! There's just one that goes forward and backward. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we did that because my dad was really into collecting old bottles, antique bottles, and like just like old dumb shit like that.

And so we would just drive around every weekend and like visit fairs or fucking whatever and just go to all stupid little towns everywhere and i don't know i'd love i'd love to i shouldn't talk to my mom about this now but as a kid you just go okay this is a life i guess this is what we're doing you don't think this is what happens yeah yeah yeah but we just drive around to shit old shops and and looking at old bottles every weekend this is life yeah this is life. I can't wait to look at my own bottles. God, that sounds pretty bleak. When I was like 12, we went to the UK and my dad is super into old cars

and we had this like we were driving around and he had kind of like plotted out the whole trip and it was like, oh, okay, so today we'll end up in London. But he would just kind of put all these like routes in where he would be going to like check out some old car factory or whatever, not tell me or mum. And it would just be like, where are we? And he'd be like, oh, I'm just going to stop in here. And it's like some old place that he – like some museum or some shit

that he wants to see. Just me and mum waiting in the car for hours. Mum was like fucking filthy that he had just like booked in all this stuff that he wanted to do and like not asked her, not told told her just completely fucking railroaded this holiday man all this boring shit you know that's what i talk about uh with nikki my partner where i said you know you have mother's day and father's day and like back in the day that was just like for me it was also you'd sit around home you would have bought dad something he like wanted you know he's like finally the respect i deserve when he just his entire life was him being you know your father's coming home don't look him in the eye don't talk

to him let him sit let him shoo over shit don't say anything and it's like like nicky's like what do you want fathers i'm like to be treated like that just one day we're going here why don't ask questions yeah right you get to behave like a 70s dad just for one hour. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is on a Friday night. This is routine for us. My mum would get the phone call from the pub.

They would say, come pick him up. And as my dad got older, or as I got older, it wasn't him going, can I get a lift? It was the guy who runs the pub going, I reckon it's time.

Get him out. He's said enough things now to insult people in the pub get him home wow so the mum would stick my brother and i in the back seat and we'd be in our pajamas just in a little dressing gown keep them warm but half asleep and then she'd get to the pub and be like all right i'm gonna go in and get your father and then she'd get out of the car just leave us in the back seat yep 10 11 at night yeah just on a random street in Geelong. Great. Go into the pub and always come out empty-handed.

Like, he said he's finishing this drink and then he's coming for us. Yeah. Oh, my God. And we'd just sit in the car. That's starting to ring a few bells now. Yeah. And then, you know, 10, 20 minutes have passed and she's just white-knuckling it. And then just being like, I'm going back in.

As if he's going to come out on his own. Yeah. And then he would come out and be like tanked obviously, but going, hey, good times. And she's like, it's not good times. I've been out there for 45 minutes. And I have distinct memories of him then leaning across and trying it on my mum.

I'm like, yeah, so what are we doing? And then realising that my brother and I were in the back, oh, what are you two doing here? And it's like, what do you mean? Do you think we were just at home? He can recognise someone cracking onto someone when he wants to. A sheepskin. But I love it that he looked at us like we were the cock blocks.

Like we're the way, you know, like, I would have gotten away with it if you weren't in the back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To be fair, it's your fault originally. You did do this at one point and this is what happened. This is the byproduct. Yeah, yeah. I created my own cock block

yeah you're going to make more cock blocks if you get away with it yeah and then in the morning just mum had to take care of us but now if I have a belt overnight

Nikki's like sure but guess what's happening in the morning I'm getting up with him this is great that's one of the good things I think about having an old dad

my dad was like almost 50 when I was born I've never seen him drunk I mean I've seen him tipsy but he's always been sober and responsible but he was apart from apart from giving birth to a kid when he was 50 yeah it's true well my brother he was 43 my brother was born 49 when i was born but like wow yeah this is why i could go to taiga and not get in trouble because i would come home and i would be asleep no matter what he was just like so trusting that my first curfew was 2 a.m and i left the curfew well this is the thing he was

that's also because he was 40 during the prohibition he just didn't think anyone was drinking it was like useless nobody could stay out that late just Just hearing the door at 1.59, good girl. That is respect. You've got to teach kids boundaries. As your friends are going, hope you enjoyed the blowjob. Clean that cream off your mouth before you come in. Those kids playing tiddlywinks, having their fun. I would come in so stoned. i would come in so stoned i come

so stoned at like midnight sometimes and my dad and i would be like on the couch so early yeah i know well because i was stoned i would get a ride home and my friends couldn't be out that late so i come in and i would sit on the couch and talk to my dad stone and be like dad i don't know like sometimes you just think that like life is like bigger than we imagine and he'd be like you know you're really growing up and like well like i'm so proud of you like you're really you're a thinker yeah i've had a cafe filled with gold sure if that's what you want but this is the thing that i was thinking about this recently because my dad was a single parent and i like he didn't know how to do like a lot of basic things so he'd always like forget school plays i forgot i was i was rosa parks in my school play oh my god

how did you dress up as rose well they didn't put me in black ways but it's just crazy because i went to a really diverse school and like not really that diverse if you're rosa thing is that they felt like people they're not no no no totally jewish girl you go to the back of the bus you can't be in this play well that's the crazy thing it's just like like the reason i got the the role was because my mom had just died and they were like this poor white girl forget about all the black kids who were like struggling and then they were like this poor white kid we'll make her rosa parks black kids you guys you understand like you got your parents yeah exactly and like in my town like there were a lot of projects that were really poor drugs like you know some people killed whatever but they're like naive's Jewish she should have two parents um and then I got to be Rosa Parks my dad missed it but this is where he was like a really good parent and Carl maybe

this is what you'll do for your daughter um I had pinworms have your kids ever had pinworms Dave I don't know what that is so they're basically what a trading currency this is like too much information and I'm going to regret telling you guys this but I'm just going to do it so basically we'd always play outside

it was like kind of a dirty kid playing in the dirt in the construction site or whatever and then not wash our hands before dinner and so it's like you get there's like animal shit in the dirt in the construction site whatever and then not wash our hands before dinner and so it's like you get there's like you know animal shit in the dirt you get like pinworms are like little parasites right they're tiny i know it's not just me like a dog has worms yeah yeah similar kind of thing you got an itchy backside and this is what they yeah exactly itchy butt and so this is they're like tiny little this is so gross but i'm really gonna enjoy carl i'm gonna look you in the eye while i talk about this um if they're

like little worms that like hang out on your butt at night like when it's dark out they come out and they kind of hang on you get the itchiest asshole all you need to do is take antibiotics that's it but my dad got it in his head that like he also had to kill them for me so like i have memories and i would get them every six months or something. For like two years of my dad after dinner, he would always do the crossword puzzle and he had a special crossword puzzle pen. And I'd be like, dad, my butt. And he'd be like, all right. And this is like his version of being a good parent.

I'd like lie down and he'd kill the worms with his pen. What? What is happening? It was just like, like my dad, he could never like, he missed my school plays. Finish one puzzle onto the next one. But it's like,

you don't need to do that to be a good dad. Like, I think that's what he thought. So hang on, let's paint the picture. Seven down, four letter words

for the back opening on a human. Five across, five letters, no, six letters starting with F. What am I? Fucked. opening on a human. Five across. Five letters. No, six letters starting with F. What am I? Fucked. But it's like, as a single father,

all you need to do is talk to your kids and make sure they're okay. But like I said, he's like, my daughter will not have an itchy asshole. Paint the picture. You're lying down. I was like 25, 25 years old. You're lying down on I was like 25, 25 years old. No, no, no. You're lying down on the crossword puzzle once it's done.

No, I'm lying down on the couch under the lamp. Right. And my dad's like. Hands down. But the worms would actually come out of your. They're tiny little like worms, like little pins. They're trying to help with the crossword. Right.

Yeah, they're like anus. So they're attracted to the light? Is that what. I don't know. I think it's about your digestion. Maybe it's because you've eaten dinner. Are those worms like moths? Are they coming out for the light? I think it's maybe your digestion. Maybe it's because you've eaten dinner. Are those worms like moths? Are they coming out for the light?

That's how my ass would start flying up to the lamp. It's not 2am yet. So curfew hasn't kicked in. So at 2am the worms go back in. You've got to get them before 2. They also like to feast on all the gold. This is obviously when I was 16. I was like 7, 8.

Because this is... Anyway, this is. Right. I was like seven, eight. Because this is, I know. Anyway, this is what you need to do for your kids. He's got a bit about that. Where he says, like, you've got worms and your parents do come in at night to try to. With the flashlight. With the flashlight, try to pry them out and kill them. Right. It is a thing.

The thing is, I'm not as weird as I thought I was, but it's still kind of. It's still pretty weird. No, it's still pretty weird. You're just not the one super weird person. There's two of you now. A pen. But it's still kind of still pretty weird no it's still pretty weird you're just not the one super weird person you're two there's two of you now but it's not my fault yeah so he had he had like one of the nice like the inky pens not like a big pen right so he would just not a dirty old bar oh thank you a little bit exactly i'm gonna use the green anyway it was the 90s he's doing pretty well get a nice fountain up there but yeah he would use the cap like he turned the pen the cap you couldn't do it yourself It was the 90s He was doing pretty well Get a nice fountain up there But yeah

He would use the cap Like he'd turn the pen The cap of the pen Well you couldn't do it yourself Because you didn't have Your pen license yet Because you were trying You were stabbing the worms

With a pencil With a 2B at that point So Hal's got a pen in his hand At the moment And it's very disturbing She's reading her Rosa Parks lines

I've got stuff on I just want to come back to you In like 6-7 years And see how that's going. Yeah. Because it's so crazy to think the things you have to do as a parent. Like that's, I mean, you don't really have to do that. But my dad chose to because he was like, I will not be a shitty single dad.

I will kill the worms around her asshole. With a pen. Yeah. Oh, man. You've already got the antibiotics, which means that they're dying anyway, aren't they? They're supposed to be. But I guess it was just it was it's so painful i've heard this thing's mightier than the sword so he's bound to kill his worms good old dr bick knows what's what you eventually go to the hospital and it's like uh for a checkup and it's like well your worm

seems to have all gone but what's all this blue around your ass like what i'm like your dad uses the pen there's a lot of graffiti in new york but this is a banksy who is he did you look over your shoulder did you see see her face? That's my dad. That's amazing to go to the train station in the morning and go, well, we never saw who did it. But to have it on your ass and not know who did it, that's astounding. That's what makes him the greatest.

What a tag. I know. It's amazing. Every Father's Day I put it in the cart. Thanks, Dad, for being the only kind of dad who would kill the worms. Guess what I wrote this with? You're amazing. I've got wrote this with? Your mate.

I've got you a new arse pen. Yeah, you grow up and you go, guess what I learned at school today, Dad? You know the worm piercing instrument you use? You can always use that for writing as well. Did you know that? We call it the worm piercer. We don't use pens in our house.

Somebody get me a worm piercer. I need to write down a number. God, I'm looking into the future that now the socials for the next week are just going to be flooded with people going like here's the fucked thing i've had to do for my kid or here's a weird repressed memory i have about my dad flame throw up my ass you know it's like it's such a weird memory because i'm like wow he was so clueless because it was like what was that like the 80s 90s and you couldn't just google shit and be like you know will these go away is it weird to kill worms with a pen and my daughter's asshole you just had to take a risk and hope that you were a good dad i felt like that was the breaking

point for him from then on you were like i'm out till five in the morning i've seen things i can't yeah i don't give a shit I don't give a shit anymore. Yeah. I killed way too many of those pinworms. Yeah, seriously. And you grow up and now confront your dad now that you know it's weird and go, isn't that weird you were sticking a pen near my butt? And then he's like, you had it good.

My dad used to get a quill and like stick it up my arsehole. So, a quill. Exactly. The quill's kind of better, isn't it? Because it's feathery. It's kind of like nice and soft. It's kind of better, isn't it? Because it's feathery. It's kind of like nice and soft. It's kind of like

pointy in them. That's true. You wouldn't kill it with the feather. You'd kill it with the stabby bit. You'd get the feather and just kind of

sweep them away. Oh, yeah, right. I don't think you know how pinworms work. I don't at all. I hope I never do. Pinworms. Oh, man.

So painful. Antibiotics have their place. They really do. Oh, magic. Pinworms. I've been there. It's not... Penworms, did man. So painful. Antibiotics have their place. They really do. Magic, yeah. Pen worms. I've been there. It's not pen worms, did you say? Yeah.

Yeah, it's not all that it's cracked up to be. You're like, oh, what would that be like? It's not that fun. Fuck, that's weird. Are you braced for it, Carl? All that sort of... Not at all. All that fucked stuff you're going to have to do eventually.

What's the weirdest thing that's happened so far? One night I had to get up and change the nappy. The wormless nappy. No, it's been pretty, you know, it's pretty okay for me at the moment. But my wife is about to go back to work. So it's going to be me, full-time daddy. So that's when it's going to hit. And I don't think my wife has that much faith in me because she just keeps bringing it up.

What's going to happen when I go back to work? And I go, I don't think my wife has that much faith in me because she just keeps bringing it up. What's going to happen when I go back to work? And I'm like, I don't know. Like, more people have done it than just us. Like, you know, I've seen a lot of idiots out there that have had kids that haven't died. So I'm pretty sure I'll be okay. You'll be fine. Yeah, I think so. And just if you ever get to the worms, just Google it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, man, what a game changer. That shook me. How old are your kids again? Yeah, mine's yeah. Oh, man, what a game changer. That shook me. How old are your kids again? Yeah, mine's two and a half, the oldest. But yeah, antibiotics will be a high priority at that point in time. You can leave my stationery alone. You do look a bit traumatized right now.

Yeah, yeah. My kids say, quick, off to Officeworks. The real hipster dad getting him out with an Apple pencil. Yeah. The real hipster dad getting him out with an apple pencil. I can imagine things encroach on you where you think, I'll never do that. I could imagine at that point in time it does because it's a slippery slope.

It doesn't happen overnight. You'd know now you're changing your daughter's nappies when you would think before, I don't want to be around anyone else's fecal matter. You're like, well, there's no option. That side of it fascinates me probably the most of any part of having a kid. Yeah, like you just get used to it where even last night my daughter, she wouldn't go to sleep and then my partner knows better.

She said, do you need to go to the toilet? Because she gets a bit grumpy when she needs to poo. And then she was up for a little longer and then it was like, oh, yeah, I do need to poo and she's crying and having tanties. But then as I said to my partner afterwards, I said, man, she shits like an old man. She doesn't just like go crap and then go, like oh yeah i do need to poo and she's crying and having tanties but then as i said to my partner afterwards i said man she shits like an old man she doesn't just like go crap and then go cool i'm done she's honestly there for 10 minutes just going love a little more and then she'll just go you daddy you have to hang out here you have to be here watch me and you're a bit like okay mate like i've got stuff to do and i'm just trying to get it a bit

and she always just sits there for 10 minutes like, a little more. As I was saying. Why do I have to be here for this? That is great though, getting cranky because you need to take a shit. I might bring that back at age 32. I want to see a two-year-old say, as I was saying. Furthermore. And to my point, economics. The world economy is going down. The world economy is going down.

To that funny little podcast I was listening to of your friends, I have more points to discuss. Oh, she's a bit too old for this. That is really lowbrow, Dad. Yeah, all right. Are her poops like... Yeah, and furthermore... Does she take like little kid poops or big kid... Because I once took care of a kid

in my family i won't say who um but um she was like four and she was just like i'm like all right this is weird but you know it was just a it was a lot it was like a lot of energy into the poop and then i looked and it was like an old man shit. It was massive. And I was thinking like, how can your butthole expand to that size when you're this young? Am I, is this too much? No, it's fine. No wonder you're paying 16 bucks for a shot afterwards.

I need to erase that from my memory. It's just crazy. Kids are disgusting. I mean, we were all kids, but. An amount where you're looking at the child going, how did that all fit in there that's what I was thinking right right I'm like you're like a tiny little girl dressed as a princess and then it's like fuck yeah it was just really crazy but I have changed a few nappies now

that she's slightly getting onto solids yeah it's a big difference in the nappy department it's nasty in it yeah yeah it's a it's nasty is that you said yeah it's a real accident scene yeah i think that the the craziest thing to me about like i just i still can't get used to men with like their daughter's vaginas yeah that's fucking weird yeah right isn't it i mean you guys are dads yeah yeah like first time i think you go oh i'm dealing with is this right that i should be seeing this and then i was seeing this on the internet i'd be in trouble but it's in real life so and i'm and i'm having to wipe it it's fine i guess you just have to wipe who out of your daughter because if you don't that's like that's horrible if you don't it's like grow the fuck up but you can't be all woke and go i'm not i'm not even looking at that you deal with that yourself yeah one week old i need the baby to give me enthusiastic consent but have you heard of this

some parents this is this is this is a trap i've seen this i've seen this on doc as before no no you deal with that you deal with apparently some parents now are talking about like getting consent from their babies to like change have you heard this it's like a youtube i'm a facebook video that popped up it was like is it okay if i change your nappy like is it okay and the baby won't say anything and then they're like well it's just good to get them in the habit and i'm like if this is the future i don't want to be there you know where you're trying to get your kid to tell you it's okay to kill the worms in its ass yeah i will make an exception for that weird story. There is an in-between somewhere.

Do you mind if I napalm your sphincter? Actually, I'm going to take a no on that one. Just find some grown-up antibiotics, okay? Just live in the 21st century, you weirdo. Just be an adult and fulfill your responsibilities. What if your dad had been like, fuck, I can't find a borrow this week alright well I have

good news Eve I haven't killed the worms but I have highlighted where they are for next week when I get a borrow it's like a map for a war

yeah the enemies are here Jesus alright guys well I am starving after this chat let's wrap it up for another week

on the little dum-dum club. Dave Thornton, Eve Ellenbogen, thank you so much for joining us. Thanks for having me. Have you got things to plug? Dave's got a new podcast. Oh, yeah. Because from what I gather, there's not enough out there. No.

So, yes, The Cheap Seats with ex-AFL footballer and age columnist Bob Murphy. Nice. So if you want to check that out. Yeah, get it where you get all good podcasts. Nice. Andbitt Murphy. Nice. So if you want to check that out. Yeah, get it where all you get. All good podcasts. Nice. Bandos. Yep.

Yeah. Eve? I'm making a podcast too bad. I don't know what it's called or what it's called. That's not happening there. I've heard too many plugs from people going,

you're going to do a podcast. No, you're not. I've recorded some of it. Yeah, it's called ass worms. Yeah. Pin worms, really. Yeah. Pin worms and feelings. No, just... You ass worms. Pinworms, really. Pinworms and feelings.

You're on the social media? Yeah, I'm on the Instagram. You're mysteriously called Eve Elbow. It's not mysterious. My last name is Ellen Bogan, which is German for elbow. Okay. So that's why it's Eve Elbow. Eve Elbow.

And then on Facebook, it's Eve Ellen Bogan. Right. And you're around Melbourne and the country. Around Melbourne, going to Edinburgh. Doing stand-up pretty regularly. Yeah. Oh, yeah yeah there's a lot of listeners that go to Edinburgh

probably at the Fringe doing spots around yeah and you know I'm hosting maybe Ballarat

Cat in Ballarat yeah you're doing that in a couple weeks if you listen to that straight off the presses

so I feel like the secret hand take when they have skulls, if you see Eve, just drop down, open up your bum hole so she can make sure that everything is safe.

No, no, no. Don't show me your ass, I'll just do the worm. That's what I'm going to do, just get on the floor and then do the worm. This would be like when people used to leave

cakes on stage for Ross Noble, they'd just be leaving packets of pens for you. I would love that. See, I'm always in need of a pen. I really do. It's very practical. But they're nice pens.

I don't want any of this shit, you know. Yeah, they're good to stab you. Oh, yeah, corporate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pens I can clean my ass with. I love buying boxes of big pens. I love big pens. I like inheriting pens.

I don't like to buy pens. You love secondhand pens better than new pens. They're free. It's the most Jewish thing I've ever said. Yeah, but they're covered in fucking dead worms. I think the worms is the last of the problems, if I'm going to be honest. All right. All right, guys.

Thanks very much for listening, and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. Bye. And they've done it again. Oh, my God god what a classic I've never been so sure of anything in my life Really never Never in my life

What was your favourite bit from that episode I liked when you said G'day dickhead I thought you gave it a Really you really sold me On this one I can't wait to not say that tomorrow when we record that episode then, just to really fuck you up.

Yeah. We're recording this before the actual episode, so we don't know what the fuck that episode was like. We hope both those guests turned up, that we did the intro too. Yep. I guess we'll just leave this as the intro. Yeah. If not, if something happens.

Well, we were going to record one today and someone didn't turn up. A guest didn't turn up from today, which we've had to change into this episode. So, yeah, let's hope. It's good stuff. Let's hope someone doesn't fuck us again. I love comedy. I love it too. What's your favorite part about it?

Just, you know, fucking around and racing around trying to reorganize things when people pull out of things. I don't mind that. Yep. Having enough to do and then having to worry about someone fucking forgetting or being off their guts or whatever the fuck happens. That's top five for me, for sure. What's one other in your top five?

One other? Just how mentally healthy everyone is that you encounter on a day-to-day basis. I swear I've said it before, but when I first got into comedy, people were like, oh, isn't everyone mental? And I was like, no, everything's fine. And then 10 years later, I'm like, can I take that back?

Yeah. Can I get a redo of that sentence I said? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You say that a lot. Right. And do you count yourself in that or not? I'm fine. Okay.

All right. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. I don't go see anyone. I'm all good. Yeah, I know you don Okay. All right. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. I don't have to, I don't go see anyone. I'm all good. Yeah,

I know you don't go see anyone. Yeah. Well, I'm not, that means I'm not struggling. Nothing against people who do struggle, but I,

I'm happy. I'm fine with everything. Okay. Yeah. All right. Yep. Which gives me the all clear, I believe.

Okay. Yep. Cool. Yep. It's an interesting take. Thank you. Is that what your therapist tells you or? No, I believe. Okay. Yep. Cool. Yep. It's an interesting take. Thank you. Is that what your therapist tells you? No, I actually haven't been for a while.

I'm doing good. I'm perfect. Oh, right. Is that how it works? If you're not going, you're immediately perfect? I don't know. I haven't been to one to know. So I don't know how it works.

I don't know how any of it works. Look, I'd be interested. Yeah So I don't know how it works. I don't know how any of it works. Look, I'd be interested. Yeah. But I think you should try it. I'd be interested, but I don't know. I guess I've got sort of, you know, more important things to do. For lack of a better way of saying it.

Like I've got things on my to-do list and then I get to the bottom of it and there's, like, really important stuff and I'm like, should I really be putting see a therapist when I don't particularly think I need to see one on that list when I've got enough stuff to do? Yeah, but, I mean, just because you don't think that you need to see one doesn't mean that there's not stuff that you would find beneficial about it. Yes, yes. that you need to see one doesn't mean that there's not stuff that you would find beneficial about it yes yes but i guess what i'm saying is if i i think i'd be a lot happier putting on there if i did think i needed to because there's stuff on my to-do list that i definitely do need to do yeah right right rather than going well this would be interesting if i did that once i don't know i just

i've got enough i've got enough fucking guests to chase up and fucking – actually, today would have been a good day to go to a therapist to fucking deal with all the cunts I've got to fucking put up with. There you go. This is exactly what I'm talking about. Maybe get a fucking therapist as a guest. Anger management counselling. Go somewhere.

Do something for God's sake. I'm all right. I'm all right. All right. So what have we got to talk about? We've got coming up very quickly. We have the New South Wales tour. We have Sydney and Newcastle back to back.

A scant handful of tickets left for both of those. So get onto that if you're thinking about coming. Yeah, it's going to be heaps of fun. When this comes out, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. So Newcastle, again, I'll be running into the show. Yep. Into the start of the show, I'll be doing my little fundraising 10-kilometer run for Run Melbourne.

But I'm not in Melbourne. I'm in Newcastle. So, guys, get on the socials. Some people have already suggested a route to take in Newcastle, starting 10K away from the venue, from the Happy Wombat. So I need to start somewhere, then run to the venue. Get on the socials. Suggest me a route or route,

and I will pick the least hilly one or the most scenic one or whatever it is. Anyway, I need a way to run and do that. And also on our website is a way of donating to the charity I'm running for, which is Shake It Up Australia. So I was aiming at three and a half grand. I think we're over two grand at the moment. Nice.

So, yeah, chuck in. Chuck in, guys. It's all going to a good cause. And it should be interesting to see me run directly onto the stage in Newcastle. And hey, if you're in Newcastle and you want to run that 10K with me and then run into the audience, go for it as well. Yeah. Absolutely feel free to keep me company.

Feel free to buy a ticket and then miss maybe all of the show because you've severely overestimated your abilities. Yeah. But hey, you'll get a one-on-one show from me. That's true. That's something. Yeah. That's something not everyone else will get.

And that's not particularly a good thing, but it's unique. So get on to that. Well, fuck, that's better than some scab that lives in Newcastle going, oh, I'll come for a run and then get to the venue. Oh, I didn't buy a ticket. I don't want to come. That almost definitely will happen now. Fuck.

Fucking better not. To run with me, you have to show a ticket. Okay. Fuck, what if some scab just runs across the road from me the whole time? Fuck Fucking better not To run with me You have to show a ticket Okay Fuck What if some scab Just runs across the Across the road from me The whole time

Just shadows me Yeah Without the ticket Yeah Fuck Anytime you say what if That's definitely What's gonna happen

I Then I'll have to lose them Like a fucking Car chase Oh yeah Like you're being followed Like a car chase Yeah yeah

Yeah Like I'm being followed Well I am being followed Like you got a tail Yeah Alright Well I'm. Yeah, yeah. Like I'm being followed. Well, I am being followed. Like you've got a tail. Yeah. All right. Well, I'm up for anything. I can do that.

I'll take you on. If you want to do that, I'll fucking... I'll deal with it. Fine. Okay. Do whatever you want. Cool. Have at me.

Fuck. You're not going to make it to the show. You haven't been able to train. You're telling people, do whatever while I'm running. It's just going to be me doing a podcast by myself for an hour. I've had a couple of good runs. I did a good run today. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. I've been... How far? I did seven and a bit K today. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Just getting the speed back up.

Just doing a few hills and whatever. I think it's going to be okay. And what are we with? Just under two weeks. Yeah, time of recording just under two weeks. So I'll be all right. I'll just run every couple of days and get it up. It's not that – look, you know, 10K is definitely not doable.

It's just whether you want to do it at a decent click, a decent rate or not. Yeah. How long are you going to allow yourself in Newcastle to get it done? I reckon I'm going to give myself like 50 minutes. Okay. Yeah. To do the 10K. Mm-hmm.

So I'll start running at 4.10 p.m. Okay. And then the show starts at 5. Right. So straight in the door, straight on stage. Wow. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. That's doable's that's doable that is doable it is i don't really remember too much about newcastle but all i've been hearing from people is that it's very hilly yeah that's the thing i think you've got to factor in yeah basing that on yeah your time that you'd get going completely flat i think that's gonna fuck you yeah well that's why that's what i'm saying give me a route give me a route that's going to fuck you. Yeah. Well, that's what I'm saying. Give me a route. Give me a route that's not hilly, please. Give me something. Give me a bit of local knowledge, please. There's plenty of you.

Plenty of you are coming to Newcastle, so please give me the info. Give us the info. Also, if you're coming from Sydney to come to the Newcastle show, don't sit in a carriage. We're going to be getting a train. Don't become a fucking annoyance. Well, yeah, now that's... What do you think is going to happen here? I'll be warming up.

I'll be thinking about the show and I'll be warming up for my run. You'll be stretching. Yeah, exactly. I'll be doing a few practice laps on the train. Oh, yep. Yeah. You'll be like dragging it

from at the front of the train with a string, with a big rope in your teeth. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Old Iron Man style. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Old Iron Man style. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That'll be just warming up for a gentle jog. Yeah.

Get the car, get the coral fired up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Then we have Perth, October the 13th, selling very, very quickly. That will be sold out, I reckon, within the week. Yeah. Barely any tickets left for that. So if you're thinking of coming, Perth, you've done it again.

Yep. Get on that quick. Look, this is the cool thing. Every time we go somewhere, it gets bigger and bigger. And Perth, this is genuinely a small handful of tickets left. Perth was the first golden child city, I think. Was it? In terms of this podcast.

I think Perth was the first place we went where we were like, fucking hell, there's a lot of – maybe we were just amazed because it's so far away from Melbourne. But I remember that thing in early one of like, wow. What about Brisbane? Didn't we... I think Brisbane was really good from the get-go. Yeah, maybe.

I think maybe it took us longer to go to Brisbane for some reason. Oh, maybe it did. Yeah. Maybe we just didn't know. Yeah, Perth. Yeah, that might be true. I'm not sure. But yeah, look, Perth has certainly always been very good to us.

So, yeah, and you're just getting better and better to us. So thank you very much. We're not – I think last year we were waiting on – I don't think we were sold out on the day of the gig and then we sold out. Was that true? Maybe something like that, yeah. We're definitely going to sell out in the next week, I reckon. Yeah, yeah.

And then we're not there for three months or three and a half months or something stupid. So, crazy. But appreciate it. Thank you. And then November the 23rd, the first ever live Little Dum Dum Club in Hobart selling very well. Again, not many tickets left. That will definitely be sold out, I reckon, by the time we get to the gig. So, there's, yeah, not many tickets left at all. Get them now if you're thinking of coming. By the time we get to the gig. So there's, yeah, not many tickets left at all.

Get them now if you're thinking of coming. By the time we get to the gig, it's four months away. Yeah, I'm keeping expectations low. Right, right, right. Yeah, well, look, we should be sold out hopefully in the next few weeks, I'd say. If you're listening in Tasmania, if you're in Launceston, you know, or, you know, there's always our little travelling listeners that come from the mainland and go wherever we go.

So I'm sure there'll be a... Look, my expectation is that they will nearly outnumber the locals. Possibly. Yeah. So if you are a local, please get along. Yep. Come and do the right thing and we'll keep coming back. We want to see some new faces.

Yes. We don't just want to be there going like, we could have just stayed on the mainland and done this. We could have just stayed in Koh Samui for a month and done another one there. So yes, littledumbdumbclub.com for all of that stuff. Is that all the housekeeping? I think that is.

Well, there's no use cleaning up any strands of conversation from the core episode today. The episode that probably didn't end up happening. Yeah. What if this is just the whole ep? Yeah. We don't end up getting an ep done and then it's just a special talking dum-dum only episode this week. It's just me and my child.

Yeah. And I mean, she's getting pretty talkative. She's getting pretty squawky. What do you think her first word's going to be? I think something pretty simple, surely. I don't know. It's hard to tell. I'm not trying to train her like a dog and make her say,

G'day dickheads or anything like that. That would be good, though. Yeah. Well, look, we've probably already talked about something. Anyway, we've probably already talked about something by now about this. I'm going to bring up. I'm going to bring up I'm going to bring up in the episode

you just heard wow something fuck backwards shadowing yeah yeah yeah exactly exactly

and in that it's longer than it needs to be yeah yep no I don't I don't have any idea I would say something pretty simple

hopefully hopefully it's not something fucking bad that I've said that would be a bit of a nightmare that would be great that would be a nightmare yeah she's already pretty simple. Hopefully. Hopefully it's not something fucking bad that I've said. That would be a bit of a nightmare. That would be great. That would be a nightmare.

Yeah, she's already copying stuff I do. Like what? Well, I've already talked about it in the right episode. Why do I know? Yeah. I wasn't listening when you did it in the episode. You literally weren't yet. You weren't yet.

Yeah, well, let's leave that. Let's just do this because we've both got to get to a gig. Yeah. So let's get into the Patreon subscribers for this week. Everyone that subscribes on Patreon. Again, it just goes up and up. All you guys that want to say thanks for the show but also want something out of the deal. Yeah.

You get your bonus magazine, you get a bonus episode. Last month, you got heaps of videos that we filmed of ourselves in Costa Mili and Copenhagen, stuff like that. Vlogs. Yeah.

If we try and give you bonus features wherever we can, we try and put the bits of... We have a special Facebook group just for Patreon subscribers called the Millionaires Club, and we try and put all the exclusive news or bits and pieces like that in there first. First go at merch and tickets and stuff like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just bits of news and stuff as well. And probably a little bit of gossip that we shouldn't say in front of everyone sometimes. It's sort of exclusively you that does that. Okay. Well, they're still you that does that. Okay. Well, they're still getting it from someone. That's something. Exactly, yeah.

Okay. So part of that, of course, is you get to have the chance of having your name read out randomly, of course, from the unplanned title alternator. So part of what you give to us keeps the machine running, keeps the software updated And you've done it again Thanks guys

We have paid the licensing fee Just this week On another year's subscription Of the Unplanned Title Oh we went in for the year Oh because it's a bit cheaper If you do it for a year Rather than pay week to week

Yeah exactly We don't want to waste the money It's a large enough fee as it is without doing it in a stupid way. How much is it out of interest? It's $69 a week, I believe. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is expensive.

That's not cheap. But you think of a better way of reading out names. Yeah, no, I can't. I'm not questioning it. I'm just saying it's expensive. Yeah, yeah. Well, you get out what you put in. That's what I always say about this and sex.

Can I have one over here? I guess you put your penis in and then you eventually take it out. And then you get it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great. So post having sex just going, oh, it's like I always say, you only get out what you bring yeah and you've just put it in once like you're not taking it out and putting it in taking it out putting it

in again just putting it in once no you're like that'll do me yeah now i get to say the thing yeah that's all i was in this just just you're just resting with it in there and your partner's there going is he gonna do something and he's And you're just waiting there for about five minutes. And then you go, yeah, that'll do. Yeah. That's good. All right. Cheers.

Thanks for that. Wow. Yeah. This is a scarily accurate recreation of my sex life. That's how I do it. Really? Like a petrol bowser. Yes.

I do refer to it as the bowser too. You just take out the hose and put it in and just whistle, look around a little bit. And you've paid before you've gone in as well because it's late at night. Yes, they don't trust me. Can't be on your phone. Very, very dangerous to be on your phone. Just waiting for an even number to pull out. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, just $11 worth will do me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I haven't used my car in so long now. I haven't used my car in so long that it's... The battery went flat on it again. The battery went flat on it again. The battery went flat on it three months ago before I went to Samui. But then I lost my keys. Yep.

And then I couldn't use it. I found them the other day. Went to start the car up today. No. Got a new battery and it's lasted me like three drives, I reckon. Interesting. It's fucking bad. That is bad.

Yeah. What are you doing that's it can you call up who gave you the battery and go off no because the those people will then say to you can't you didn't drive your car for three months that's why it's flat yeah right so there's nothing i can do except that makes no sense though i don't know how any of that stuff works no but you've not used it and it's gone flat yeah well it's like anything i guess you know like you you have an accident you you don't use your legs for three months and then you go i just i might walk today and you can't walk can't you didn't use it for three months that's literally how things work

if you don't use them they don't work yeah but you can not turn on a tv for three months and it's not like when you go to turn it back on it's like nah, nah. I've forgotten how to be a TV. There would be a certain distance, though, of not turning on a TV for a long time and then putting it on again and it wouldn't work, surely. Yeah, I wonder how that works. TVs are obviously built better than human legs in that example. Yes, definitely. Or car batteries, for example. Definitely better than car batteries. Yeah.

Definitely. Or car batteries, for example. Definitely better than car batteries. Yeah. But it is funny that a car battery can be destroyed by you leaving a tiny little piece of shit light on for two hours. It's like, nah, I'm fucking worn out, bro. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How can you have this last for years, powering a whole car,

but the fucking inside light being left on is like... Totally. Nah, that's fucked. That has just absolutely fucking done me. How often do you buy a car battery? I don't think I've needed to buy one for fucking ages. How... Do you have roadside assist?

Yes. I've never had to use it, though. You what? I've never had to use it. Never? Never. Fuck. I use it exclusively for car batteries.

Really? Yeah. It's the only reason I buy it every for car batteries really? yeah it's the only reason I buy it every year is because I know that I'm going to have a flat battery at some stage

I've gone through so many batteries really? I genuinely cannot think of the last time my car battery went flat maybe when I was like 19 or something

I reckon I've gone double figures car battery roadside assist I've gone double figures, car battery, roadside assist calls. Really? Double figures. In the last what time frame? 10 to 15? Yeah.

Years. Yeah, right. Minutes. Well, months, I don't know. No, no. Well, you think I have a flat battery once a month. Well, you're saying it's heaps. Right.

I don't know. No. No. I reckon I do. I must do one, nearly one a year. Nearly one a year. Wow. Which is, sounds horrific.

Because they're fucking not cheap. But here we are. Anyway, so that's. Now, this will be the thing that fucking our mechanic listeners or whatever fire up over there. You've got some fucking snake oil salesman of a guy that's providing you car batteries. You look under the hood of your car and it's just two double A's plugged in. No, two of those little button ones that you have to get for the scales. What the fuck's up with those ones?

Why does anything have to use those ones? They're so inconvenient. My scales have those ones why does anything have to use those ones they're so inconvenient my scales have those ones it's like just put proper batteries in there so you don't have to go fucking hunting for those ones yeah that would be one of the only things left that uses that style of battery yeah are they they're not they're not watch batteries are they i think like too big yeah i think some sort of like some kind of some types of like little portable clocks and stuff use those yeah types of battery the fucking pain in the use those. Yeah. Types of battery. They're fucking paying the ass.

Like there's, I mean, again, people will know the answer to this, but why is there so many fucking batteries? That's a good question. Yeah. There's all the double A's and double, I don't even know what they are. Double A's are classic. Yeah. That's the classic battery.

Yeah. When you think of a battery, that's the one you're picturing. Yeah. Then you got the AAA. Little small. Are the AAA the skinny ones? AAA is the sort of shrunken down AA. Okay. Don't trust it.

Feels weird. I like the real skinny ones to play with. Yeah. They're pretty cool. Okay. Yeah. And then you got your D. What's your D?

Your D is the fat block. Are they the fat ones? The big block. What do you use them for? I never use them. Yeah, I don't know. I actually don't think I use batteries for really anything in this house. I can't think of anything that's so powerful yet so piss weak that it needs a big battery.

You know what I mean? Yeah, all right. We've just said we've got to keep this going. We're talking about fucking car. This is crucial. As if the car battery chat wasn't boring enough, now we're moving on to just actual household batteries. And it's just us remembering what types there are.

This is making our podcast go flat. All right, all right. Patreon, Patreon, Patreon. Thank you to everyone for subscribing. We really appreciate it. Number one, great example. Right now, first cab off the rank. Thank you to everyone for subscribing. We really appreciate it. Number one. Great example. Right now, first cab off the rank. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Gavin Griffiths. Gavin Griffiths? Yeah.

I actually know who this is. Do you really? Yeah. Who is that? This is a friend of mine using a pseudonym. Why? It's a fake name that he used to give when we were kids and he would order food at restaurants and stuff just because it made us laugh. And for some reason, I think we had one thing where it was like a grilled or something and they're like, order for Gavin, Gavin Griffiths.

And from then on, it was just like any time we were out and ordering food together, it was like one of us has to be Gavin Griffiths. Why have I never gotten into giving fake names when ordering food or anything? I know. It does seem like something that you would be right across. I know. I can't. I'm going to have to start doing it. Yeah.

This feels like a missed part of my childhood, teenagehood, early 20s-hood, all my life. Yeah. I've got to fucking start doing this. I've got to make a note. This has got to go on my to-do list. It is. Especially when you're a kid, when you give a fake name for a food order and you feel like, oh man, I am really pulling one over on him here.

Oh, I tricked them into reading it out. It's like, no, they've got an opportunity to yell something silly out. Like they know what's going on. You've broken up their boring day with a bit of light and shade. So this is a friend of yours. Now, is the character that he's created here, Gavin Griffiths, is part of the character that he doesn't spell Gavin properly? Is it Gavin with an E? No, with an A.

G-A-V-A-N. I didn't know that part of it at all. I've only ever heard it yelled out by people at Starbucks. I've never seen it written down. Is this part of the character he's created, or can your friend not spell? No, he can spell very well. Okay. We've actually talked about him before.

There was a point where we were talking about him in this part of the show a little bit. Okay. He's a friend of mine from Perth. Oh. My doctor friend. Right. Mr. Hot Doctor Comedy. Right, right, right.

He's his other alien. Oh, really? Fuck, he's got a few aliens. This is great. He he's got many aliens he's a real man of mystery can you can you get a reading on whether he's deliberately spelled gavin wrong or not yeah i can text him now and see if he writes back yeah text him right now please and we'll have he might we'll have 20 minutes or so to get to the bottom of this because yeah okay i feel a bit is this is this like a doctor's handwriting sort of a thing? Yeah, yeah. Except he's done it on a keyboard?

Fucking hell. Is there a reason why you spell Gavin like that? That does... Just looking at it written down, it does look very stupid. Like Gavin's... No offence to all the Gavins out there, but Gavin's already a bit of a... You know, it's not an ideal name, but then you spell it stupidly on top of it.

Jesus Christ. It's funny though, when you, as you were saying Gavin just then, I was like, in my head, I, you know, like I auto completed the sentence because it's such a long way thing with me and him. I was like, oh yeah, Gavin Griffiths. And then forgetting like, oh yeah, he did tell me ages ago that he started subscribing on Patreon and using that name. Yeah. Did he tell you how much he's chucking in? What is it?

30 bucks. Oh, the big man. Yeah. Yeah. No, well, it's, you know, I feel good about that now that he's a, I know he's a doctor. It's like, well, he can afford it. That's all. Yeah.

A doctor from Perth. Fucking hell. He'd spend it on morning lunch. That's all. Yeah. A doctor from Perth. Fucking hell. He'd spend it on morning lunch. That's nothing to him. I think he might be moving back, though. Oh, really? Is the word on the grapevine. How come?

Any good reason? Because he's from here. Okay. Yeah. Right. Just got sick of trying to treat sick miners. Sick canaries. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's not a vet, he's a doctor. That was his problem. Too many canaries. Yeah. Who are bound to get sick because they're used as canaries. Yeah. Yeah. Wow.

Well, thanks, Gavin. Very generous, Gavin. Yeah. Gavin. Yeah. Very generous of you to give your friend money and me money as well. Yeah. Thanks very much for that.

Yeah, that's a good way of looking at it. Yeah. That is weird when a friend chucks in money like that. Do you feel a little bit of a charity case now that you know your actual personal friend is just giving you money? It is a bit weird because it was also off the back of, I can't remember what I said about him, but I was talking shit about him. Right. And he heard it and he's like, oh yeah, that made me realize that I should contribute to

the Patreon. Oh, really? And I was like, what a weird way of things panning out. Right. One of your oldest friends talking shit about you on his online show and you're like, well, I better give him money, I guess. Right. Well, maybe we should do more of that.

Talk more shit about our friends. Yeah. Get them to stump up some cash. Do you have any outside comedy friends of yours that subscribe to this? That subscribe money? Yeah. I think maybe one or two. Okay.

Yeah. Not big numbers, but I think maybe one or two. But I mean, I'm not after them. Good for them. I'm more after hanging shit on people that listen and don't choke anything in. Yes, of course. I had one of them on the weekend where – do you get a bit of that? Do you have friends that sort of inquire about the podcast

without really knowing what's going on and sort of have to go, oh, how's your podcast? How's that going? Yeah, I mean when it's something that you do and you know well, it's very easy to fall into the trap where someone goes,

how's this? And when it's a subject that you could talk easily at length about, you can fall into the trap of going, oh, well, da-da-da, and then you see

on their face, it's like, oh, this person doesn't care at all. They're just being polite. Yeah. Yeah, I had one of them on the weekend

where it was someone I hadn't seen for a while. It was just five minutes of, oh, yeah, how's you? Oh, how's you? Yeah. How's the podcast going? Oh, yeah. Is that good?

Is that good? Oh, sorry. Does that sort of give it away that I don't really give a shit about it? I don't really listen. Obviously, I haven't listened for a long time, have I? Yeah. Obviously, I don't care about it, do I? I'm like, yeah, well, that's – and I'm like trying to go, cool, man, because, you know, Yeah. Obviously, I don't care about it, do I? I'm like, yeah, well, that's, and I'm, like, trying to go,

cool, man, because, you know, ha-ha, I don't listen. And they're like, yeah, well, why would you listen? You've already fucking recorded it. Like, yeah, man, I was just trying to give you an out. Yeah, yeah. Like, that's fine. I don't care if you don't listen to it. Yeah, when, yeah, when friends that, yeah,

like, actual close personal friends are weird about the fact that they don't listen. And you're just like, I wouldn't expect you yeah totally it's weirder to me that i have like good friends yeah in the real world who do listen to me do this rod every week yeah it's nice and it's very supportive but it's also like yeah you know me isn't that weird i feel weird because my wife has friends that listen to this show yeah and i'm like oh oh, that's weird because it feels like they're – I'm sure they're not doing this. I know they're not doing this, but it feels like, oh,

it feels like I'm getting listened into by the cops who can then report back. I had years and years ago there was a lady who worked at my dad's – who worked with my dad who listened. Oh, right. And that was a similar thing. It was like, this is fucking really weird. Yeah, totally. I think that happened as well.

I think there was people in Maribor or around Maribor and someone tried to dob in something I'd said to my parents. Oh, really? Yeah. Because I think my mum rang up one day and went, oh, were you teeing off on us on your show? And I'm like, honestly, no. Like, oh, someone told us that you said you were bagging us or something. I'm like, I can't remember saying one negative word about you.

Like, nothing. Yeah, but I mean, that's very like, you know, people love to be a bit like shit-stery, like, oh, you should have listened, you know, people love to be a bit like shit-stirry, like, oh, you should listen, you know, you should have heard what, and it's like actually not the case, or they're like massively conflating it. Like, people love doing that sort of stuff. Yeah, well, fucking stop it. I drove to Maryborough to your parents' house. Wow.

I was like, man, I hate to be the one to tell you this. I was just passing by. I hate to be the one. After two and a half hours. I was just on my way to Bendigo as I usually am on a Wednesday morning. I slipped and fell down that long road. Down Eddington Road. It's not really near anything.

Yeah. I just, you know, I like to go to Bendigo, but I do like to go through Carisbrook on the way. You've got to break up the trip. Yeah. I like to go to Straub Steakhouse, you know, for lunch before I go to Bendigo. You like Straub's? I love Straub's.

I'm a big Straub's head. Yeah. Yeah. Come on, Gav. Get back to me. Probably be with this fucking kid. Yeah. Yuck.

Thank you to Patreon subscribers. Oh, thanks, Gavin. Thanks, Gav. Thanks, Big Griffo. Oh, thanks, Gavin. Thanks, Gav. Thanks, Big Griffo. Thanks, Gavin. Thanks, Mr. Hot Doctor. Yeah, yeah. Thanks, Mr. 30 bucks a month.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber Kieran Vale. Oh, this is another friend of mine. Is it really? No, not at all. The idea of us sitting at Grilled. Kieran Vale, just pissing ourselves. Oh, imagine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The idea of us sitting at Grilled Kieran Vale Just pissing ourselves Oh imagine Yeah yeah yeah

Well to be honest It makes about as much sense as Gavin Griffiths Gavin Griffiths is one of the best fake names It's so funny That's so dumb Gavin Griffiths You've got to be in the right mind to find that funny That's just a name

Oh yeah the right mind was we were like 13 or something Yeah yeah the right mind was we were like 13 or something yeah right right um maybe he's really put a uh a history behind this guy now like you all thought it was just something to something to say it grilled he's really thought about it yeah yeah yeah yeah i mean history it is maybe that's where you know i talk a lot about not being into the idea of alliteration in names maybe that's where it comes from really because it's like this dumb fake name so in my head i'm like well this is something that you only use for a prank yeah yeah you couldn't possibly this is for people that don't exist so if you use this for people that do exist you are an absolute drongo yeah it's stan lee and my friend yeah yes uh well kieran vale is not one of them big kv yeah i mean is it i guess it's

vale it's not valet it's not kieran's not dead i presume you don't have that thing is it called valet you know when they do is it vale or valet when i've always thought it was vale but i'm just realizing i don't think i've ever really heard it said out loud yeah Yeah, you don't tend to, do you? Yeah. Let me type this in. How do you pronounce veil or valet? Let's say veil at the moment. Why does veil mean death? The definition of ave atque veil is as a Latin phrase that means hail and farewell. Okay, that makes sense.

It means farewell. Okay. But it doesn't really... It's defined as a way to express farewell. So you're thinking... So this person, this Kieran, this could be a ghost. If they've got Vale in their name, is this a Patreon subscription from beyond the afterlife? Yeah.

Is this something left in the will? Yeah, right. Finally. Right. What are you doing? Valey. Valey. That's not correct.

That can't be correct that's on yourdictionary.com that's just you know when you when you try and find definitions on YouTube that sounds like having a go

that's on your dictionary yeah yeah yeah the one that's wrong yeah you know when you look up definitions on YouTube and they'll they'll have like a Russian

robot pronounce things so the one use of that that account is to pronounce things right right but it's from Russia.

Yeah. And they don't give a fuck. They just program it in. And so they're all pronounced wrong anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck. Not helpful at all. No.

Well, I don't have enough time in this show to... Who cares? Yeah, let's get back to battery talk. Thank you, Kieran. Kieran... I hope you aren't deceased. I hope the batteries haven't gone flat on your life

I hope the old tick is still going yeah I hope the old pacemaker is doing its job if indeed that's what you have that's what you need

to keep surviving yeah I hope there's still you're alive so you can still earning money so that you know if this is

some sort of a state that we're getting the money out of that it won't run dry one day because I mean if the uh if the if the wife you've left behind all of a sudden uh or husband yeah uh all of a sudden

runs out of mink coats and goes well we got to start trimming the cost of this estate well i'm pretty sure the patreon subscription is going to be the first one to go so it takes this person that long to make that decision yeah to keep subscribing to a podcast that presumably they've never heard of before. Well, see, we've talked about this before, but you have those times, those stories of inheritances where it's like,

right, well, the cat needs to be looked after forever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that money's got to be put aside for a little pinky over there and she's got to be kept in a lap of luxury for as long as she wants. And then it's like,

who's fucking policing that? Yeah. Well, this is the same deal. Who's policing? We do. And yeah, I mean, surely this will happen at some point with us, where we'll find out that there's a, we're getting some dead person's money into the coffers.

It doesn't, it's not a big deal, surely. People that are, this is exclusively going out to people who are alive and not dead, this request. You will die at some stage, and if you subscribe to the show already or you're thinking of it, why not? And if you're going to change your will,

or you're going to create a will very soon... Don't go out of your way to do it just for us. But if you're already in there anyway... If you're going to do it anyway, why not whack us in there now? and it doesn't have to be big it just has to be you know do five dollars a month or whatever it is and look maybe you can change it down the line maybe your relationship with us changes maybe we have a falling out with you at some stage yeah yeah and you can change it then you get divorced from this podcast but at the moment if you can whack us in there it'd be a nice little... It would be great.

Yeah, it'd be appreciated. It'd make us feel nice. And we'd love to see some sort of photographic evidence of it. Yeah. I'd just like to be included in someone's will. It would be great. Do you have a will? Do you have a last will and testament?

No. Wow. No. Why, have you? No. But I mean, I have no one in my life to fucking leave anything to. Yeah, yeah. Okay. You got a wife and kid.

You should get that sorted out. That's very fair. Yeah, maybe I will look into that. I think, yeah, look, no one wants to think about that thing because it's a reminder of your own mortality. But I think that's something that my wife has probably brought up with me, going, yeah, fuck, she wants some of this Patreon money, I think. Really?

Yeah, yeah. Damn. She hasn't got a mint coat. So you do it this Patreon money, I think. Really? Yeah, yeah. Damn. She hasn't got a mint coat. So you'd do a everything goes to her if anything happens? There'd be no one else that you'd divvy it up to? Well, it's not like a cartoon. I don't think wheels are like they are in cartoons where it's like, oh, I bestow my fucking 989 Sony stereo to my nephew, Jared, or whatever.

Actually, maybe I should get one done and really do it in that style. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I literally go through everything I own and have to really think about which friend of mine would be most appreciative of having it. No, like, you know, you don't have anything really worth giving to anyone, do you? Does everyone? I don't know.

Like everything is just going to go to the op shop or get sold online or something, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who would you give your drums to, right? Let's do like an audio wheel right now. Here's your big purchases in your house. We're in your house right now. Now what have we got?

What's worth giving to someone? I mean, your white goods and stuff, I don't know. I feel like that's not like a very personal gift or anything. Yeah, that doesn't matter. Now your drum kits are different. The drum kits? Yeah, I'm trying matter. Now, your drum kits are different. The drum kits? Yeah, I'm trying to think who I know that plays the drums or just anyone that's in the world of the show that is into drums that would.

Or maybe someone that's potentially what you think should be into them. It could be a good Kickstarter for them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If there was a guest that was going to be into drums, I would say Brett Blake Oh really? Yeah I just think of Brett Blake as the closest thing I can think of

To Animal in the Muppets Yep, yep He would have a good time on them Yeah Or like, you know, a Josh Earl or an Oliver Clarke Someone who's already sort of does a bit of music Yeah, yeah, yeah That would get a bit of mileage out of them

I'd say more Josh than Ollie I couldn't see Todd Gleeson plays the drums. Oh, yeah. I would love to see him let loose on the skins. Is that drum kit a very transportable thing or not really? This one is. Yeah, this is one of the more transportable ones that you can get.

Like all these bits, you can unscrew them there and then the bars are all separate. So you could, but you don't buy an electronic one because you want to cart it around. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Okay, yeah. There's no use letting him go sick on those drums when you're not getting a heap of sound out of them anyway.

Yeah. Wait, what do you mean? Well, letting who go sick on them? Tom Gleeson. Tom Gleeson, yeah. But if you plug him into an amp, you'd hear it. Well, letting who go sick on them? Tom Gleeson. Yeah. But if you plug him into an amp, you'd hear it. Right.

Okay. All right. Well, maybe if we ever get him on another live show, you can bring him along. I'd love that. Yeah. Drum off. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Do you reckon you could take him? I don't know. I think I was talking to him about this not that long ago, and I don't think he really plays anymore, but he did have a kid for a while. I remember going to his house once and him having drums. Surely that'd be part of muscle memory. He'd be like

he could do it. Yeah. I think that'd be surely that's an easier thing to pick up again than guitar I reckon. I think so. Yeah.

Although I've picked up the guitar recently for the first time in a little while and I'm surprised at how easy I'm finding it to slide back into. But yeah I guess if I did this can be my last will and testament exclusively for the

drums. If I die in the foreseeable future, Blakey can have my drums. Okay, great. Yeah. You have to make sure that that gets done for me. Okay. That's my, I'm the best man of your will. Yeah.

Like, that's the ring. Yeah. The ring of the will. You can be the pallbearer and the drumbearer. Right, right, right. So... Great. Yeah.

All right. That's my... I'm happy to accept that responsibility. You just bury me in Blakey's house because you can't be fucked making two stops. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's a coffin with the drums on top of it. No, no, because I know Blakey's, you know, an ex, he's not a current, but an ex-delivery man.

Removalist. Removalist. Yeah. So he can just come and get it himself. It's no use me fucking having anything to do with it. Yeah. Yeah. I'll just, I'll just get the keys, open the door.

There you go. Go for it. What a touching tribute to your deceased friend. Hey, we ain't got the keys. Thanks, Kieran. Thanks, Kieran. Thanks, Kieran. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. Any update on Gavin?

No. No. No, no text yet from Gavin. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Madeline Aldridge. Aldridge? Yes, Aldridge. All of the dridges. Yes.

What's a dridge? What do you think of Madeline? Good. Yep. Yeah. Been tarnished a little bit in recent years by a lot of people affiliating that with the name of a missing child. Oh, yeah.

But before that, I felt quite strong about the – what would you say? It's quite an attractive name. I mean, that's a sad story for sure. But I don't know that it – I mean, I guess it does have some kind of sad connotations now with the name Madeline. But it's not like that missing child did like a hate crime or anything. Yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Where you have to go, well, that's made me think that that's a bad name. It's not Adolf. It's no Adolf. Yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Where you have to go, well, that's made me think that that's a bad name.

It's no Adolf. It's no Adolf. Yeah, yeah. One of the great missing children. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. No, Madeline's nice, I think. I mean...

Do you like Madeline or do you like Maddie? Madeline. Yeah, Maddie. No. Not for me at all. Not one little bit. I kind of go the other way. Really?

Like, Madeline's a bit too... I don't know Uptight? Bit posh Bit uptight Right No, a big fan Maddie to me is like

Some tomboy Eating fucking mud pies No Not for me Slingshot in the back pocket Yeah Yeah Grubby ponytails

Full of mud And I'm getting rock hard at this discussion. I'm fucking into this. This is what makes this podcast so great. We're just such an odd couple. Yin and yang. Yeah. Yeah.

I hate mud. You love mud. Yeah. I fucking love mud. Yeah. Love slopping around in the mud. Yeah. Madeline Aldridge.

It does sound like a bit of a... Some sort of... What would you say? With Aldridge as well. It's a very hoity-toity game when taken all together. How much are we getting from this person? Someone is... I feel like Madeline Aldridge is the sort of person who uses an umbrella when it's sunny. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. You know what? You see that heaps overseas. You don't tend to see it too much here. Really? Yeah. Yeah. You know what? You see that heaps overseas. You don't tend to see it too much here. Really? Yeah. Fuck. And you think of all places, this is where it would be actually useful.

In Asia, I feel like I saw it heaps. Really? Yeah. $10 a month. Oh, fucking hell. Wow. You know. If this family is as upper class as I'm thinking,

based on the sound of that name, then she should be leaving Gavin Griffiths for dead. Right, right. Maybe that's the joke name for these people, for this group of friends, going down to Grilled. Double cheeseburger for Madeline Aldridge? Yeah. Imagine a rich person eating at Grilled. Double cheeseburger for Madeline Aldridge. Yeah. Imagine a rich person eating at Grilled.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess Grilled is pretty expensive for what it is, for a burger joint. Is everywhere expensive for a burger joint these days, though, except for McDonald's? But I guess Grilled sticks out in people's head because it was like the first one. Right, right, right.

It came along and it was like, fucking hell, 15 bucks for a burger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to get a burger after this, I reckon. Yeah, you reckon? I've been, oh, fuck. A lot of people still say to me, oh, you're off bread, you're off bread. And I'm not.

I'm back on bread. But I'm not enjoying myself. Like, I've got to get off it again. Yeah, I don't know. I've been better since I got back from overseas. I've been cooking a lot more. I had stuff to cook tonight. But then I've got this gig and we had to do this before

it. So it's like, well, that's gone out the window. I'm just going to have to eat at the gig. And since I'm doing that anyway, why not go off on a big old bowl of Big Mac fries? Oh, yeah, yeah. Because we're going to Spleen. We're going Monday nights. You know, we've been talking about Spleen a bit lately, actually.

But yeah, a lot of people, a lot of listeners come in. If you're ever a tourist in town, you know, I run a bunch of gigs. One of them about Spleen a bit lately, actually. A lot of people, a lot of listeners come in. If you're ever a tourist in town, I run a bunch of gigs. One of them is Spleen. And that's sort of a gig that you're guaranteed to see me get up and try new material at and see a lot of cool special guests and some new people who are a bit, I don't know, not that great sometimes. It's a bit of everything. Wow, what an ad.

Well, but that's what it is. It's an open mic, yeah. It's an open sometimes. It's a bit of everything. Wow, what an ad. Well, but that's what it is. It's an open mic, yeah. Yeah, it's open mic. It's curated open mic. So you get some superstars and then you get some people that are brand new. Yeah. So they're not going to be perfect. You know, like an open mic, you might see someone brand new

who ends up being the superstar of the future. Yeah. And, you know, conversely, you can go to a good curated gig and you can see someone who should be good but will be the washed up person of the future. Yeah, you know, conversely, you can go to a good curated gig and you can see someone who should be good but will be the washed up person of the future. Yeah, yeah. You know, there's no guarantees in life. We are running a little bit late.

Thanks, Madeline. Thank you, Madeline. Thank you, Patreon subscriber John Gelner. Wow-wee. Yeah. Gelner. Yeah. Hmm.

G-E-L-N-O-R? G-E-L-L-N-E-R. N-E-R. Gellner. Yeah. I don't know. I'm not into that at all. All right.

Do you just want to move on? Fuck this guy? Is that what you're saying? Oh, I mean, I want to dissect what's going on here. Let's go through this letter by letter. Let's take as long as we can. You know what? I'm going to look up.

Galner is such a, I don't know, I don't know what to think about it. I'm going to look it up. What does it mean? It's got to mean something. I'm just going to send a message. Can I be on in the second? All right. Tonight.

Hang on. I'm just getting a message. Here we go. Tonight. Hang on, I'm just getting a message. Here we go. Wow, I just got a message. Weird. All right, sorry. This is unprofessional, but I just want to check it. Yeah.

We all heard it just then. No, go for it. Can I be on the second bracket? Fuck, man. This is an annoying thing about running a gig is you're always getting people that want to be on at certain times in a gig. Someone's always like,

can I be first bracket? Can I be second bracket? Stuff like that. Yeah. Fuck, it's annoying. Yeah. And I just got one of them then. That's all.

Oh, you did? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it's like I always say, everyone in comedy is absolutely mental. This guy, I mean, I was saying before about, you know, you're going to see some good people, some weird open micers. everyone in comedy is absolutely mental this guy I mean I was saying before about you know

you're going to see some good people some weird open micers this guy's name and I just got this Facebook message I just got this message from someone called

Sperm that wants to be on his second back it's like what a stage name how good's he going to go yeah there'll probably

have to be a fair bit of clean up after he's done on the stage that MC's got his work cut out for him. So, Gellner. Yeah, Gellner. Gellner's theory of nationalism is the first thing that comes up.

Gellner defined nationalism as primarily a political principle which holds that the political and the national unit should be congruent. Oh, fuck. What the fuck? Is this guy a white supremacist? Yeah, that's what I thought. Fuck me. That's what...

He's a British Czech philosopher. When he died, he was described as one of the world's most vigorous intellectuals. Vigorous? Yeah. Wow. A one-man crusader for critical rationalism. But is this bad or good? I'm not fucking smart enough to know whether this is...

I don't think either of us are. Nationalism is bad, though, isn't it? I think. Generally speaking, yeah, I think it's bad. Yeah. It's a word that I understand. When it comes up in a tweet that I see in my feed, I'm like, oh, no. Someone's been naughty here.

Yeah, right. Someone's getting cancelled. Here we go. It got a bit dumbed down the more I went down the results. Now I can understand it. A picture of a toilet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. An arrow going from a black person to it.

Fucking hell. That's what we're talking about. Fuck. That's what we're talking about. No, I meant the idea that nationalism was a toilet. It's a bad, it's a dirty, grubby thing. Right, right, right. Well, that's what I've just read.

Gellner believes that nationalism strives for one cultural ethnicity under one roof or state. Not good. Not good at all. Not good. That's the official little dum-dum club stance is that that kind of stuff is not good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you know what? If we shed all of our listeners out of this, then so be it. I reckon we'll lose a couple. I've seen a few on the socials that we could probably get rid of. Yeah, probably. Fuck. Thinning the hood. Yeah.

Because you know what? Because on the socials, say on Twitter especially, there'll be like... I'll open up the DumDum Twitter account to post something and I'll have a quick see of the front page of what recent listeners that I've followed back have written and there'll be a few crook ones and go, sorry, you're not getting the follow back anymore. I can't see this on my feed. Yeah, that's fair.

You've got to leave room for all the bots that we buy to tweet compliments to us after we put out each app. Fuck, we are wasting money. We don't see a lot of that. Are we paying money just to see for bots to tell us to suck shit? Because that's what we tend to get. I mean, that's how you throw people

off the scent of them being bots. You throw a few negative ones in, so then no one's going to look you up and go, this is all this positivity that this guy's getting all the time. Yeah, no one's going to be like, why would anyone do that? You'd have to be an absolute fucking loser. A real sociopath. Yeah.

You also have to be a sociopath to write negative ones for yourself. That would be amazing. But John Gellner, I'm sorry that you're associated with all that. Yeah, that is pretty bad stuff. He probably copped out a lot in the schoolyard when he was growing up. Yeah, right. There goes that nationalist kid. That fucking, you know, just in grade two.

You see, that cunt's fucking great uncle had a theory about nationalism. Fuck. Would not have liked to have been a galner in the school. No. Not at all. No thank you. No.

Yucky. No thank you. All right. Thanks, John. Thanks, Johnny. Sorry about everything. Hope the family reunions go okay. All right.

We'd better do one more because I've still got to shower. Oh, really? So let's wrap it up. Yeah. I've got to really go and set this fucking gig up. I'd love to stretch it out to see if we can hear back from Gav. No.

Oh, here we go. Oh, oh, oh. Just as I said that. I said, is there a reason why you spell Gavin like that? And he said, yes, that's why. Why would anyone? I always love it when people have to spell their name. It's such a waste of everyone's time your whole life. But to have such a nothing name that still demands that kind of attention.

Bellissimo. That is actually a pretty good justification. But when does he, what, does he spell it out at like Starbucks? So they have to write Gavan on his coffee? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Does he go and insist that it's spelled like that? I believe so. Fuck.

Gavin. G-A-V-A-N. And then they go, and then the person at Starbucks goes, wait, didn't you cure me of cancer last week? Your name's not Gavin Griffiths. What are you doing? Dr. Gav. Yeah.

Fucking idiot. Maybe we can get this guy, maybe we can get, you know, we can make this the official fake name of the podcast. All right. So anyone, if you're out there, if you're ordering a burger, if you want to give over Gavin Griffiths, if you want to get a little vid of them calling it out. Look, Tommy's saying that.

That's not the official, you know, the standing point of this podcast is of Tommy. I'm not. I would never, you know, sort of stand behind that sort of funny buggers, to be honest. So if you want to do that and you get in trouble, that's Tommy. That's his fault. That's not Kyle Chandler's fault, okay? So you can do that. Alright, let's move on. Last name for

tonight. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Gavin Comedy. Good night, everyone. We've got to go to a show. See you, mate. See ya.