The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 461 - Live! Cameron James, Luke Heggie & Nick Capper

Episode Date: August 6, 2019

After a ripping show in Sydney last week, we headed down to Newcastle for our first ever regional NSW podcast! Tommy has to tread water with CAMERON JAMES and LUKE HEGGIE while Karl finishes up his 10km run to the venue with NICK CAPPER. Capper's been on another one of his absurd tuxedo journeys so we hear all about that. Well, we hear about one very specific part of that, mostly. Plus we get into some showbiz secrets from Heggie's previous jobs!PERTH! We're coming back with our yearly massive show. October 13, 4pm.HOBART! We're heading down for the first time for a live show in a small venue. November 23, 5pm.We've also added a stand-up show in the same venue at 3pm.   Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dum Dum Club, a brand new episode recorded live in Newcastle with guests Nick Capper, Cameron James and Luke Heggie. We have a couple of dates coming up that are pretty much all sold out. We've got Perth, we've got Hobart, we'll see you at those shows if you're coming along. LittleDumDumClub.com for all of our merch and we've got a bit of new live show news at the back end of this episode i've been talking dum-dum after the regular episode uh where we'll be dissecting this episode a little dum-dum club uh yeah we've got a couple of like little little bits of news re live shows so uh

stick around enjoy this episode it's a really fun one live in newcastle, Nick Capper, Cameron James and Luke Heggie. Hey mates, welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo and with me as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. Sorry, my peripheral vision's fucked. I've been masturbating way too much over the years. All right, so I am without a co-host. Who doesn't know what's going on here, by the way? Carl is currently competing in a fun run. He's doing a 10-kilometre run to the venue. He left about three and a half hours ago. You'd think he would have been here by now. He has done no training whatsoever.

He is a 43-year-old man. A listener has led him on a course to the venue. This listener has probably murdered him and is probably currently wearing his skin as a suit with his penis tucked in between his legs. So this is a solo podcast now and I've got to say so far this is my favourite episode I've ever been a part of, quite frankly. This is so much less stress. It really has been a pretty calm hour before the show. You may have noticed me just walking around having

the absolute time of my life. Not having a complete sociopath screaming in my ear every three minutes about picking up glasses and moving chairs. So, yeah, look, now's finally my opportunity to do the kinds of things I never get to do on a podcast. So here are the sexiest Nintendo characters in descending order. Bowser. Oh, yeah, that's daddy right there. I would let him put his little spikes in me.

No, so Carl is... They aren't too far off. I believe they will be getting to the venue pretty soon. He has Kappa in tow. Kappa was meeting them for the final two kilometres wearing his tuxedo and a top hat. Honestly, like, this is all so normal to me at this point in my fucked life so am i going too fast for anyone is there anyone that doesn't

understand or slow down shut up cunt all right i'm finally free of that kind of negativity and you're gonna you're gonna step in i think my glasses look beautiful. I think my mental health is the best it's ever been. Yeah, all right. Let's kick this off. Let's get my two co-hosts for the next 15 minutes, possibly for the rest of the podcast forever. Who knows? Please welcome onto the stage two very special guests,

Cam James and Luke Heggy. two very special guests, Cam James and Luke Heggy. Do whatever you want, guys. I don't give a fuck. No one's going to yell at you if you do the wrong thing. Boys, thank you for joining me. This show is so much better than every other Dumb Dumb one I've done. I can't put my finger on why.

There's just a good vibe, isn't there? Hang on, I just got a text message one kilometre away. Really? It's my Uber Eats delivery. This is great. Yeah, so a Newcastle local contacted Carl to say that he would run with him and he plotted out the 10-kilometre route to get here. Carl has been on our account, the little dum-dum Instagram account, Instagram storing the entire run.

Riveting content. Really rapt to have my brand on that. Followers are just going. Every kilometre you're losing 100 followers. There's people going, this fucking sucks. Runners fucking suck. Here we go.

Heggie's mad about something. I'm done. That's alright. Don't start me off. I fucking hate runners. They're just the worst people. Just bad people. How do you feel about vegans? They're alright. I fucking hate runners. They're just the worst people. Just bad people. How do you feel about vegans?

They're alright. I don't know. Whatever. Follow your fucking dreams. I don't know. Someone's here with a vegan shirt, actually. It's got vegan written on it. Maybe it's disparaging to vegans. I don't fucking know. It said vegan on it, so well done. There it is right there.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I wish... It's a secret society of vegans. Not that fucking secret. Not that secret. You guys are a little bit chatty. A little bit of a blabbermouth society. The only worst club than the vegan club is the fucking I'm Aware club, to be honest.

The most obnoxious group of assholes. I can say. It's not my podcast. What's wrong with you people? People in those stupid fucking hamburger T-shirts in the front of my show. I don't see any here. Are they out? I can't believe I'm saying this.

I wish Carl was here. You're a loser. Take a good hard look at yourself. So, hey, did you do any research into who this Newcastle local is that's touring him around the town right now? No, none whatsoever. But the Instagram story thing that he's been putting up, people here, like the Newcastle locals here, have been looking at this on Instagram going,

why the fuck did this cunt take him this way? They were going all on the beach. They were running off a pier at one point. What the fuck are they doing? Yeah, he's probably taking him to all the places that he's fingered chicks around. Nobby, Strezlecki, fucking sunk a few digit of barbage. And Carl's like loving it.

I'm like, fuck, take me to the fucking Gobby tour next, please. Oh, yeah, what was she like? Describe her in explicit detail. What were the top five things about her? So, yeah, what do you guys think? I mean, I really, we don't know anything about this. Does anyone know the guy, this Brent guy? We've got a hand up the back.

We've got a hand up the back. What's his vibe? He's all right. He's all right. Excellent. A ringing endorsement excellent contribution so his name's brent brent yeah we guessed glenn on the way up didn't we it's not far off at all so yeah this uh this could be the this could be the little dum-dum

club for now and if he's been murdered on this run at um at know, digit point by this fucking... By this listener. I guess because this is the good... You know, if I was to pass away, the show would have to end. Carl doesn't know how to log into our upload thing to... But he can die and I can just keep the show going. It's quite beautiful in a way. So this could be it from now on. Do you do all the work?

I do all the uploading. I do all the tech stuff. He doesn't know how to operate a computer so he does everything else. So if Carl dies, which he will, are you recasting the role of Carl Chandler to either of us? Yeah. Well, I'll pick you guys

against each other. Do you want it or not? Well, I'd love to fuck his wife. So yeah, I guess, yeah. Hang on, he sent me three texts going, start the show, start the show, start the show. Those have all happened since I started the show. Now he's saying, ring me. Well, let's get him on the line. All right, let's get him on the line.

Hang on, all right. Believe it or not, I do know his number. Worst start. Hello, caller, you're on the air. Hey, look, I'll be a little bit late. We're just taking a slight break. These listeners have got me in a basement I'm drinking from something

I'm not sure what it is we're not too far away they said they're going to let me out soon right well that didn't get much of a reaction so don't worry about it if you can't make it at all have you got Kappa with you yet? man it's fucking brutal At the moment Kappa's

in front of me and so I'm being beaten by the cunt out of Monopoly. He's back. It looks like he's sexually abused someone with his baton and his conductor's on the road. How far away do you think you are?

Like, give us a time estimate. It's all a bit of a blur, to be honest. I think we're, like, a couple of hundred metres away. OK, right. Someone's waving at me. Someone's waving at you? Oh, right, so you'll be coming in pretty soon. I think that's a race steward waving at me, so I think we're 100 metres away. Oh, right. So you'll be coming in pretty soon. I think that's a race steward waving at me,

so I think we're 100 metres away. Right. Okay. Well, everyone's left, actually, so I just did a bit of stand-up to fill time and now there's literally no one left in the venue, so... Well, that's probably a good thing because Kappa's been running in a suit for two kilometres, so...

Jesus Christ. All right. Well, should we... Yeah? What? Call the bomb squad. Well, well should we... Yeah, what? I can hear you outside. Here we go. Yes! Yes!

Wow. Wow. I cannot believe I've run in looking like this and I'm not the stupidest looking person in the room. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. It looks like he was chasing Alice down the fucking looking glass. Who do we start with?

This is kind of... I'm overloaded at the moment, to be completely honest. Trust you idiots to pick on me when I can't retort. That could be any time, to be fair, though. You're like, oh, yeah, we'll kill the king while he's wounded. I'm back. So how are you feeling? Oh'm back. So how are you feeling? Oh, fuck.

Oh, thank you. Oh. Thanks, man. That was nice. This is Brent. This is the guy. Oh, all right. Brent.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's your hamburger. We were just talking about how much of a normal cool guy you are for organising this whole thing. I said to Brent, hey man, is this your running track? You're pretty good. And he goes, I don't run. Do you need to change your clothes?

You've got your jacket there in case the sweat starts to dry and then you get all cold. I'm sitting on that. That's not a good idea. You probably sweated all through your socks. So they're probably a bit rank. I thought this might happen. So I got you a replacement pair of socks. They're executive sawn off socks.

If you want to mop up your sweat with that. I've brought my stocking sawn-off socks here. I've got them in the back. You should sell them as merch at the end of the show to the most rank fan you have. It actually took me a little bit longer than I thought because the two guys that ran with me,

I was like, oh, that's cool of them to run with me. And then we just get in the middle of nowhere and it's like, right, now tell us who all the cunt guests are. Tell us all the secrets about the show and why aren't these people on and who was the guy that gave you all the coins and all that. Oh, fuck, man, I can't even breathe. How far was it again, 2K? It was 10K.

It was 10K. Yeah, you are glistening thanks man thanks man now what's this merchandise you're wearing carl is this um are you raising money for something um yes this is uh this is fuck what's it called again um shake it up shake it up australia yeah so it's awareness for the cars song mean, not enough people know about that song. Who would have thought something that looked like that had a dated reference? Last year I did a marathon

for the ninth. Oh, brother. Oh, my God. We have no one to blame but ourselves. We're not even exhausted anymore. No, no. So tell us about Shake It Up Australia. So that's the Parkinson's charity.

And so thank you to everyone that chucked in. Who chucked in here? Who put in money? Give them a clap for that. Barely anyone. Well, maybe nearly no one. All right. Well, thank you to you five.

But, hey, thanks to you guys. It was like, it nearly got to four grand. Wow. That's really good. Amazing. Oh, a whole bunch of people who now giving themselves a round of applause

for having not put in. Scum, all of you. So four grand to the charity, which is even, which is great and even better news, we raised more money

than Dilrub Jaisingh did. Yeah. Not that it's a competition because obviously he's not into that sort of thing. Fucking hell. What do the Parkies think? Like the Shakeys, what do they think of the name of that? That's fucking a bit much, isn't it?

I like how you went, the Parkies, no, no, sorry, the Shakeys. I'll correct myself there. I don't want to be uncouth. Sorry, I've said something offensive. Let me correct myself by saying an even more offensive thing. And also, I don't think it was an accident. I don't think they called themselves Shake Up Australia.

Then someone said, do you know that's like... Oh, you think one of them came up with a name? That wasn't a coincidence. They're perfectly fine up here. They didn't get all the stationery done and then go, oh, what have we done? It looks quite neat, the graphics and stuff. Well, I outsourced the graphics.

It's not consistent all the way through. You've got to dial the fucking number. Sorry. See, this is why we raise money, to get rid of that sort of ignorance. Oh, okay. I'll fucking take four grand to shut up. That's great. That's what they use your nearly 4K to,

is just like get an assassin to take out Luke Hagee, stop this kind of filth. Not to make people more aware, but just to literally get rid of the ignorance. Just one by one. Hasn't worked so far, has it? Well, we haven't got the money yet, have we? Oh, right.

So what was the... It looked like everyone here was looking at it on Instagram, the stories you were putting up. Great work, by the way. That you were... It actually looked like it was filmed by someone that you're raising money for. Oh, they send out a cameraman and everything.

You don't just get the bib and the hat. This hole is not deep enough. Hand me a bigger shovel. Sorry we didn't have Kubrick out in the case. But yeah, what was the route that you took? Because it looked like you at one point were just running down a pier, thenrick out in the case. But yeah, what was the route that you took? Because it looked like you were at one point just running down a pier, then you're on the beach.

Yeah, I don't know how that worked. I think this guy fucked you. We ran down a place that just got to the end and then it was like, alright, that's fucking just jumping off a fucking cliff point. And then we had to just turn around and come back. But we went down, like what's the cool place to go to the beach?

Like there's a place where everyone's seen or whatever? That's what the... Meriwether. Sorry? Meriwether? By the look of it, you're not a guy that wants to be seen anyways. I'm not sure if you know the place, but... Hey, I'll help Carl out, the guy I bought a ticket to see.

No, fuck you, idiot. How dare you help me out? You're a fat moron. Well, I didn't say anything about fat, but that's your interpretation there, Cabba. Anyway, I wouldn't have said anything like that. The 10k is just the warm-up to this kind of stuff.

No, it was the place to be seen or whatever, so I was getting taught all the lingo of how to check out girls without letting them know we place to be seen or whatever. So I was getting taught all the lingo of like how to check out girls without letting them know we were checking out girls or something. Oh, right. Go on. I don't think I should actually.

What did you learn? Well, from the bushes. That's why I wasn't listening. No, he doesn't need to be taught about that. What's the lingo? What's this lingo? Brent, what's the lingo? What's the lingo?

Oh, yeah, Dave, is it? I really shouldn't have brought this up on hindsight. Is that why you came disguised as a bush? Like, I didn't know. I was like, what's that bush running? Anyway, that was Heggie's joke. But I thought I would kind of add on to it, Anyway, that was Heggie's joke, but it's like... But I thought I would kind of add on to it,

just to kind of get you out of this hole that I'm in now. I haven't even picked on people with a disease, and I'm in the hole. Yeah, yeah, appreciate it. If you could keep saying fuck stuff, that would really help me out. So, yeah, you two perverts up the back, what's this lingo that you use?

Everyone looks. And then everyone looks. Everyone has permission to look. Yeah. Right. Wow. Oh, that sucks. Is that David?

Is that hot chick's tits David? It didn't really work out when we were running and the two guys were like, I want to fuck David. These guys were nice enough to plot a course for you, finger you in the bushes on the way, and then you repay them by outing their deep secrets. Yes, that's what you've learned from the podcast. It's like, never be nice to your mates, absolutely cunt them in every chance you get.

Now we're getting upskirted. Nice. Hey, is that David? Is that David? Is that David or Goliath? He's back. He's back. He's back. Yes! Alright.

It's getting dark there. We've all had a good breathe. I think we're back in the game. All right. So what have I missed out on when I was running? Have you guys had any sweet riffs so far? Yeah. Cam had some interesting stuff to say.

I don't remember what I said. About potentially taking over the co-host role. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't, I don't remember what I said about potentially taking over the co-host role oh no no no no I don't it was pretty funny man you would have really liked it you like funny riffs you would have enjoyed it I'm not listening to this podcast maybe I should listen to this one

no no no I think that was before we started rolling no no we were rolling you could listen back to it when you get back to Melbourne it's pretty good. Or you can just do it live now. No, no, no. Anyway, so what was your favourite thing

to see in Newcastle, Nick? Hey, what's your code word in Newcastle for last time the guest is on the show? There goes David. Is that Cameron? No, we were having a fun time. What did we do? Maybe like five, ten minutes before these guys burst through.

Yeah, when you were texting me saying, start the show, idiot, I was like not replying because we'd started the show. Oh, okay, all right, good. Because we were running, I was like, don't tell me I have to fucking tread water because I'm fucked. I'm ready to fucking finish. I thought you, because I was like, don't tell me I have to fucking tread water, because I'm fucked. I'm really fucking finished. I thought you, because I was waiting there for ages, like 25 minutes, half an hour, just in a tuxedo, just in the middle of Newcastle on a Sunday afternoon. So for people at home, you are in the full tuxedo, you just ran the whole thing, you've got the top hat on.

I'm really impressed you kept the top hat on the whole run as well. Man, I wish I didn't have it because everyone thought I was a magician. Now, look at me and what I do. I have been insulted a lot, but a magician. But you were hanging around looking like that. Right, where we picked you up, there was like a heap of parties, and so there was a hen's night that thought you were a magician. Yeah, I got a photo with a whole hen's night.

Kerry, if you're out there, I'm not a magician. People saying, look at David, it wasn't a hot chick, they thought you were David Copperfield. Was that David Copperfield or Copperfield? That's good on you, mate. They're both really good. Because I was wondering if there were two levels to the joke But there was only one

There was barely one Cool, now I'm back He's made comedy disappear And a lot of people in the room Want to saw themselves in half now I think that rabbit died in your hat Judging by the smell How many days in the suit has it been now? What's this? Yeah, four days I think that rabbit died in your hat judging by the smell.

How many days in the suit has it been now? What's this? Yeah, four days. Yeah, yeah. I had a little break yesterday because I went to Sydney and then I came back, put it back on. It fits like a glove. It's like putting my own skin back on. So you travelled from Melbourne.

It took you what? You went Tuesday morning. I gave you a ride to the train station and then you got to Newcastle three or four days later. Yeah, three days later. Three days later, right. So give us the outline of what you did, how you got here, how you managed to get Melbourne to Newcastle in under four days.

A great effort. I know, it's a record really. I should have ran actually. Yeah, so I went from Wood End, where you dropped me off, and then I caught the train to Bendigo. I caught a bus to Mildura. Then somebody drove me. Thanks, Kim.

She drove me next day to Broken Hill. This story is going a lot quicker than I wanted it to. I was really hoping something happened along the way. Oh, fuck. Yeah, well... Oh, that's right. This is a podcast. We didn't bring you here to give us a five-second dot-point outline.

Well, I just thought, you know, I give... Look, it's the first time I've responded to a question correctly and now I'm being really fucking ruined here. Yeah, no, I thought, I'm wearing a tuxedo, and I had, like, eyebrow makeup, and I was wearing a tag saying I never bomb.

So there was a lot of stuff going on. Did you, hang on, did you fly with a tag on you saying I never bomb? No, I took it off. Although no one would have gave a fuck, because there was only five people on it off. Although, no one would have gave a fuck because there was only five people on the plane from Broken Hill to Griffiths. But also, it's like, I never bomb.

It's like, that's good. That should be priority screening at the airport. This guy, we've got to take him at his word. Yeah, these other guys, they might bomb. It was kind of weird when I walked up to the check-in counter at the airport and the lady just checked me in. She didn't ask any questions. I was one of three people in the airport.

Just like, yep, there you go. I'm like, Jesus Christ, they have seen some shit here. Now, this is the thing as well. You've plotted your way across the country, sort of, across the eastern seaboard. Now, you didn't really plan hardly anything. You hardly planned anything in terms of where you were sleeping at night. Anything.

No, I slept in someone's... Thanks, Kim and David. They let me sleep in their half-built house. Is that David? Is Kim and David, they let me sleep in their half-built house. Is that David? Is Kim a David as well? No, it was more, is that Kappa sleeping in my house that I haven't finished yet? Like, the guy was telling me it's his dream home, right? It's his dream home.

He's like, man, you will be the first to use the facilities here. And I had to sleep next to a drop saw. So many robbers broke in. I'd be like, listen, guys, just let me switch this on. Home Alone 2 style. So you stayed there because you were planning to stay. You told me you were staying at a backpacker's, and then you got there at like 8 o'clock and it was full,

and you're like, oh. Yeah, and the thing is I rang about four different backpackers. A lot of them don't have websites or anything. It's just like, hey, mate, how's it going? I'm like, is this a backpackers? And the guy's like, yeah. And he's like, oh, man, it's booked out for 10 days. I'm like, this is fucking Mildura, not Surfers Paradise.

So turning up dressed like that and going, hello, can I have the cheapest accommodation available, please? Hello, Squire. I was wondering if I could share a bunk bed with a Swedish person. To Lou. Let me put my monocle on to inspect the Wi-Fi password. I'd like a room shared with 16 other teenagers and a scone. They probably thought you were the mayor.

It was quite an experience. I got on the bus. So a listener of this show, you stayed at his half-finished house. Yeah, and the thing is I stayed in the bathroom. I'll be very respectful. I wiped everything down. In the bathroom? Hang on.

Hang on. Hang on. Yeah, it was a bumpy bus ride. Wait a second. Wait a second. No, no. I just thought I'd... What do you mean? You know when you're showering and the droplets are on the tiles?

And you're like, oh, I'll just... What? What droplets of what? Like water. You know, it's got the little... Yeah, you'd know. You know, it's got the little... Oh, know, you know, it's got the little. Oh, I'm out of shower.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I dare say more than you. Yeah, we're not, we can't believe you're the one explaining a shower to us. All right, shower pros. Maybe this is why you stink. You're too busy mopping up the droplets of water on the tiles, not letting any of them get on you. mopping up the droplets of water on the tiles, not letting any of them get on you.

So anyway, I was like, I said, oh, thank you guys, and then Kim drove me to Broken Hill, and she's like, oh, did you leave something behind? David sent me this photo, and it's just my jocks. That's why I brought it up. He sent it to me as well and said, ask Capra if he wants his jocks back. You've cleaned up the bathroom, and there's a rank pair of your jocks just lying on the bar. I was like, I've gone for the details,

missed the one huge thing that could really gross him out. I love it. This company's half-finished house. How about half-finishing putting your clothes on? Just mopping up droplets of water while there's a big borry in the sink behind you. Anyway, it's on the flagpole of Mildura Town Hall now. Finally, they have a tourist attraction.

Sucked in Big Pineapple. Got capped as jocks in Mildura. Yeah, I got on the bus and I thought, oh, this is working out okay. I'm sitting on a bus in a tuxedo. No one seems to make a fuss. It's fine. And then this guy tapped me on the shoulder and he goes, can I ask why you're in a tuxedo?

And then I told him the reason and he goes, oh, man, I've always wanted to be a comedian. Did you tell him that not all comedians have to do what you do? And then I looked at my watch and there was six hours to go So I was like, whoa And then he told me, the next sentence was great He goes, what do you think of Jordan Peterson? And so Jordan Peterson is Peterson I don't really know

He's like a far right wing Crazy person right Yeah I don't know I think he's got some Some people have told me Some points But when it's a guy

On a bus Drunk I forgot to say that as well Right He had two big bottles I just assumed Yeah As soon as he said

He wanted to be in comedy I was like Oh this guy's fucked Yeah Oh riding the bus Yeah I thought you I thought if you wanted To do comedy You'd be making He said he wanted to be in comedy. I was like, oh, this guy's fucked. Oh, riding the bus. I thought if you wanted to do comedy, you'd be making a good decision,

like driving a Porsche or something. I never thought I would have met someone like that on a bus. But, yeah, then he gets drunker and drunker. So he's drinking on the bus? Yeah, he's drinking on the bus. What's he got on him? What's he brought? Well, he's emptied coconut water bottles.

I love this guy. How did you skip over this? Filled them with red wine, and then he kept offering to me, and I was like, oh, no thanks. You'd drink white wine, wouldn't you? I'm dressed like this, so I'm like, out of a decanter. Thank you. That is great to have the decoy bottle of something else and then fill it with a liquid that looks nothing like what the bottle actually is.

It's this new red coconut water that gets me sweary. Speaking of, could I order a pint of lager or something, if anyone can? Oh, yeah, me too, please, if that's okay. Oh, schooner, sorry. They don't have pints here? No, they have pints. They do have pints. Oh, wow, good points.

Tuna, sorry. They don't have pints? No, they have pints. They do have pints. Oh, wow. Good points. Yeah, so he said that and then he goes, we stopped at a service station. And I thought, well, not too many alarm bells so far. Obviously, I've got a bus friend here of some kind.

Then this is honestly what he does. He goes, I got you a present. And he puts a packet of tampons in my hand that he'd stolen from the service station. Fuck yeah. So he is a comedian. Knowing you, you'll be vouching for this guy at gigs in Melbourne

when you get home. Seriously, yeah. Can this guy MC Spleen? He's really good. Man, honestly, you are the worst judge of comedy. Sorry. No, this is comedy. People have been laughing.

I got him a spot. He's playing Town Hall next year. So he got you the tampons and didn't say anything, didn't say why? And he tried to put them in my hand a couple of times, and we had to stay in this service station for the next 20 minutes. It was surprising that this guy really wasn't a forward thinker, you know. And I thought, oh, well, stop giving them to me, man. Stop giving me the tampons.

Don't make me complicit in this crime. And he goes, all right then. And he just leaves them on the table next to me and he keeps pushing them towards me. And I thought, oh, man, I am the truth. And then I get back on the bus i'm like oh still at least four hours to go and then he gets drunker and drunk and you know when you put your headphones on when you over the top of your top hat

uh yeah and i i put them on to, but they had no battery left, so I just thought he won't talk to me then. But then he just pulled the headphone and starts talking into my ear and I'm like, he's like. And then he stuffed a tampon in your ear? Yeah. This guy is the fucking king. I love him.

Oh, man. And he was that drunk. He goes, there's no music playing. I'm like, yeah, it's meditation. Thought very, very well on my feet. That's pretty good. That's great. Good job, mate.

But I let him take the headphones off because he said a sentence next. He goes, I've had a pretty interesting life, actually. And you said, so have I now. Yeah, yeah. He goes, I reckon I could do stand-up because I have had an interesting life. And I'm like, oh yeah, lay it on me, idiot. Right? You can't beat the king

by riding a bus in a tuxedo. It's very bold of you to meet a drunk guy on a bus and have him go, what do you do? And you go, stand-up comedy. That is just attracting a nightmare experience. I know, I know. But what else am I going to say? Oh, yeah, I got lost at a magician's convention.

Yeah, I worked for the Melbourne O.A. Kim's Hens Night. And then he goes, I said, oh, whatever, you can't have an interesting life. And he goes, um... That's what you said to a drunk stranger on the bus. Whatever, you can't have an interesting life. A guy drinking red wine out of a coconut water.

Already the most interesting thing I've ever heard. Yeah, I didn't say that to him, but then he said, I've been in jail for a month. And I was like, here we go. So he just got out? No, I don't know how long he'd been out for. And he said, I go, oh, cool. Was it just a good behaviour thing or whatever? And he goes, no, I was DUI and I created a car pileup.

And I was like, please go on. The headphones came right off then. Yeah, it was a really great bus experience. And he's like, so then he started being like jackass. Like he's like, hey, man, watch me ruin this guy's day sitting in front of me. And the guy was like an ethnic man. He's like giving himself dares? Yeah.

Yeah. And he goes, oh, this guy is obviously like the guy was wearing like a sick, the hats, you know, and Awesome. Is it called a sick? He is a sick. Yeah, it is a sick. There's a difference between a sick and a turban, right?

Yeah. Sick. Let's all us white guys talk about it. Oh yeah. Let's get to the bottom of the differences between... Getting a cultural... Let's just all take into account Kappa doesn't understand our culture, let alone anyone else's. Yeah, and getting lectured by a Newcastle crowd on culture.

Cool. Hey, Melbourne, listen up. I just came from the big smoke and they told me it's a turban, all right? I do agree with you, though. People that wear things on their head do tend to be pretty fart. Also, it's really annoying me. You've stuck your top hat on and you've just folded your ears in half. That way it didn't fall off when I ran.

So go on, go on. And then he starts yelling at the guy in the turban. Hang on, just to back up. He said before this, watch me ruin this guy's day. Yeah, and I was like, man, do not, don't say anything to him. Like, don't disturb him. I didn't know what to do. He's like, I'll do it.

And I'm like, then. I know, I know you will. I know you're what to do he's like I'll do it and I'm like then I know I know you will I know you're gonna do it and then he brings he goes I'll tell you a secret and then the dude in the turban

is watching us so now I'm complicit right so far I've not stolen tampons but I look guilty and then all of a sudden I'm racially abusing someone

like I'm complicit with that right so I was like man please don't like you're not impressing me I'm racially abusing someone. Like, I'm complicit with that, right? So I was like, man, please don't. Like, you're not impressing me. I'm not even going to look. I'm not even going to look. I'm going to shove these tampons into my eyeballs.

Yeah, the top hat over my face. And then he starts yelling, like, Hinduism is bad and stuff like that. And I've really got a feeling you've cleaned that up because I can't imagine anyone yelling those exact words. Hinduism is bad. No, that was what he said. And I was like, man, don't say that. And he's like, he can't understand us.

I tested him. Oh, my God. he doesn't oh my god he doesn't know english and i'm like why are we hearing this part of the story oh man i was like i am one minute away like imagine a current affair or like some viral video like racist man abuses another man on a bus and then just a man in a top hat looking out the window. But like, wow, Australia really has gone down the gurgler. I really thought the guy wearing 18th century attire would have been the racist

one. Can't believe racism is so formal these days. I like how the best part of this, you go, yeah, I went from Broken Hill to Mildura, and then, oh, did anything happen? No. Oh, actually, yeah. This is fucking...

This story that's now been going for about 20 years. I could have done another 10K. Yeah, I forgot that I went on a paddle steamer as well. Oh, yeah, who did he abuse on that? Yeah, but lucky you remember the droplets on the shower. Yeah, yeah forgot that it went on a paddle steamer as well. Oh, yeah, who did he abuse on that? Yeah, but lucky you remember the droplets on the shower. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was too busy thinking about my jocks. Jesus Christ.

I hope I get a target country soon. Please tell me you're not free-balling right now. Moving along with the story. Oh, my God. To be honest, I don't know. I don't even know if I'm wearing pants anymore. It just feels like my skin. Anyway, thank God the guy got off.

Where did he get off? Where did he get off at? Anyway, thank God the guy got off. Where did he get off? Where did he get off at? He got off just outside of Mildura, like about 45 minutes to an hour out. And I was like, I've just got one more hour. And then another guy walks on the bus, sits directly in front of the drunk guy. So I'm like, oh, Jesus Christ. Of where the drunk guy was.

Yeah, yeah. No, no, no. The seat got off. Yeah. Turban guy got off. Yeah, the turban guy got off. Oh, right. Sick. Yeah, the sick guy. So now you're sandwiched in between these two drunks. So, no, there was only one drunk guy. Yeah, but this other guy... Anyway, keep telling your story.

This other guy gets on. I was like, please, nobody sit in front of him because he's going to disturb them. And this guy does. Okay, great. So five minutes into the journey, old mate stands up and he goes, mate, stop touching me on the head. I'm going to fucking smash you.

Yeah. And he didn't even ask me permission to do this one. So I was offended. I was like, and then the bloke walks to the toilet comes back changes seats and i was like oh this is good i'll i'll keep drunk guy distracted and there's no one in front of him anymore we can do the next 45 minutes of the bus with no disturbances and then the guy looks at me and goes i think you got the wrong impression of me. I'm going to go sort this out. Oh, no. No. No.

I was like, man, please do not. I do not want this journey to go any longer. I don't. As interesting as you are, and you have proven that, and I know a guy who runs a comedy room, Carl Chandler. How old is this guy? What does he look like? He's around 23, 24.

What? No, we were all picturing a different guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he was a very young man and he had his hair looking nice and stuff. So I thought, oh, he's a stable guy. He's just a bit... I was thinking of some eccentric old guy. Now I'm like, some kid's on meth.

Yeah, yeah. Well, that's a different part of the story. I was like, man, you've got some real guts doing that. And he goes, yeah, when I was in prison, I bought some synthetic heroin and I said to the guy, I'll pay you back tomorrow before my trial. And he goes, but the thing is, there was a chance I wasn't going to come back. So thank God I got let off. Because if I went back to jail without paying the guy back, I would have been killed.

And I'm like, oh, cool, man. I did a wheelie on a BMX once. Fucking hell. You're really throwing the dice there. So then he goes up the front. And then he's talking to the guy And within seconds Old mate stands up And he's like

Mate I told you I'm going to fucking smash you And then the bus pulls up And then the bus driver goes Is there a problem here? And then he walks back to his seat And then he goes There's just no pleasing some people these days

Yes to his seat and he goes, there's just no pleasing some people these days. Yes. And then he drinks another drink and then pulls one of those, like, Le Snack snack packs out. You know when you get the biscuit and the cheese? I wasn't, you said, and then he pulls out this thing. I was like, I'll pick this one. No, I didn't pick it. Yeah, I didn't pick it either.

I didn't pick it either. And then, you know how you've got to dip the biscuit in? Yeah, man, we all know. Yeah, yeah. We've all been to recess, buddy. There's no need to show off. More of a... There's other bits I wish you had explained, but not that bit.

More of a Dunkaroos man myself, so I can't really relate to this part of the story. I've got a feeling this next bit's not going to be funny. Oh, no. Watch the next... For the next, like, ten minutes, watch him break every single biscuit and not get any dip on it.

What? Just watch him... He put too much pressure on it it so it snapped in half. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we've all been there. Oh, I thought you guys were experts, huh? Now he's been to recess. How many other people are on the bus, by the way? There was four guys behind me and they were getting a show.

Because no doubt when you've walked on They've seen you and gone Oh fucking hell here we go Who would have thought you'd be the voice of reason Yeah the police had taken the report They're like who was the straight man There was a guy in a tuxedo and a top hat Trying to talk him round

Drawn on eyebrows He looked really shocked But they could have just been drawn on We don't know He's got a top hat trying to talk him round. Drawn on eyebrows. He's a real Bruce Willis. He looked really shocked, but they could have just been drawn on. We don't know. Who was the troublemaker on the bus? It was actually not the guy that looks like he started the hot air balloon race. Yeah, so then he tried to invite me back to his house. He says, no.

Yeah, so then he tried to invite me back to his house. He said, no. No. I was ringing the backpackers, and then all the backpackers were full, so he would watch me get on the phone and go, oh, yep, do you have a room tonight? Oh, no. Okay, no problem.

And then I hang up the phone, and he's like, oh, you can stay at mine if you like. And I'm like, nah, something will come up. And then ring again and I'm like, fuck, please say yes. And they go, no. And I'll be like, oh, that'll be good. I'll meet you there then. I'll put the coach out the back, thank you.

Is it part of the hazing he can't organise anything ahead of time? No, that's just Kappa. I love your assumption. There's no way anyone would just choose to live their life like this. Literally, the start of this was Kappa asked, he said, can I do this, I'll make my own way to Newcastle. I was like, great. He goes, I think I'll just hitchhike. I was like, absolutely do not Associate our name With you hitchhiking Please

We had to literally Stop him from hitchhiking The bus was enough Yeah Yeah so Then I get Do this guy have a name Did you learn his name

After all this time Yeah but I don't know It was beginning with J Anyway Jaden Jaden obviously Obviously

Fucking Jaden He was a real Jaden. But anyway, he got off. He wasn't a David by the sound of him, but yeah. There was no Davids on the bus to Mildura, which was weird. There was this inbred woman with a beard who was... How did you get her life story? How do you know that? I like how we thought this whole trip that Cap has done,

this will give us a lot of content. We only needed to send him on one bus. Who cares about the paddle steamer and the plane and the tractor? Let's just put Cap in an Uber next time. Uber pool. Yeah, so it was.... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so it was... But anyway, he got off.

I think he was embarrassed by this point because he'd asked me 20 times if I could stay with his parents because he was living with his parents, which was a surprise. And I was like, Jesus Christ, first on a bus, then with the parents.

A real double whammy here. So he wanted you to stay at his parents' house? Yeah. Right. And then I was like, oh, no, man, I'll give you a call after. You know, I'll give you a call. You got his number? Yeah.

Was it his number? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I got him to take some photos of me, like sitting on the bus. And then he's like, and he was a fan of podcasts. He didn't know this me. Oh, okay. Like, sitting on the bus. And then he's like, and he was a fan of podcasts. He didn't know this one. Oh, no. If this cunt turns up in Koh Samui...

Give him a call right now. Give him a text. Anyway, guys. Give him a text. Well, here's the next thing. Can I guess what podcast he likes? Well, he's in the audience tonight. Get up, Jaden. Well, he's in the audience tonight. Get up, Jaden.

No, he, yeah, so he got off the bus and then for some reason, because I was going to take a photo of all the biscuits broken in half, like sitting on the seat and there was like, it was an absolute war zone. Wait, so he's abandoning the biscuits after they break? Yeah, well, they're spoiled? He's not eating them. They're spoiled. Fuck me. Man, you can't have half a biscuit.

What kind of rebel are you? This guy just got out of prison, but he won't eat a broken biscuit. What? You get a bit of taste in prison. You know, synthetic heroin, the mush they give you at big lunch. I don't know what it's called in prison. I don't know. He stole a packet of tampons.

This man is beyond logic right now. I wasn't like, oh, broken biscuits, alarm bells. God, how can I be so stupid all this time? Yeah, but I went to take a photo of all the broken biscuits because I'm a soulless man. And his phone was there on the seat. So I had to run to the car park straight past the person who was going to pick me up.

I was like, oh, hang on, I've just got to give this guy his phone and then chased down the car and knocked on the... You could have just left the phone there, man. You don't have to run. Anyway, go on, sorry. There was another option, that's all. You said I've got to. Was the screen smashed?

Because if it's a broken phone, I can see why he left it behind. Yeah, it had half a bit of dip on it. He's like, finally, one that didn't break. And then I knocked on the window, and then his mum looked so puzzled. Because she obviously hadn't heard the news that her son was riding with a man in a tuxedo and top hat for the last seven hours. So I knocked on the window, and she was like wound down the window really slowly. And I said, I've got your son's phone and then i gave him the phone and they drove off and then he sent me a message about two days later

said oh i'm really embarrassed man um anyway yeah the tampon joke i bombed man i think i chewed with my mouth open i don't know if you, but I broke a few biscuits in there. I'm humiliated. Yeah, give him a text, see how he's doing. Yeah, I'll send him a message. Send him a message now. No, don't call him. Oh, yeah, let's make fun of a man that's been to prison.

Cool. Anyone got any other ideas? We can call him. I've got a couple of weeks to edit this thing. This guy was a David for a month, probably. Oh my God. He was broken in like so many biscuits. Come on. Come on.

Come on, guys. That's not funny. He was someone's little snack, I think. Too far. Too far. Yeah, that's good shit, I reckon. Yeah. So, yeah, it was a good trip.

Oh, God. I reckon. So, yeah, it was a good trip. Oh, God. I know. Yeah, so that was only part of it. Then I caught a paddle steamer in Mildura. That was good. Drove to Broken Hill. Rest of the trip uneventful, I guess. Yeah, yeah.

Had a pub meal. Oh, you guys. There was a drag queen doing karaoke and I sang Copacabana. Excellent. Yeah, that was the highlight of the trip, really. You did it with them? You did a duet? Yeah, no, she left me.

I'm sorry, man. Gotcha, gotcha. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, but, yeah, I know I yeah, I know people were a bit weary because there was a man, you know, dressed like this singing Copacabana in the pub in Broken Hill. Broken Hill's pretty rough, right? So that would have been like maybe you would have got the most stares there maybe. No, it's actually really progressive, Broken Hill.

Yeah, because they filmed Priscilla Queen in the desert there so it was really cool this pub I would persuade or tell anyone to go to Broken Hill

if you want to change it's fucking cool like it was really cool and everyone was really nice your mate from prison wouldn't have liked it Broken Hill

yeah I've got to leave this town I was trying to formulate in my head I'm like fuck there must be a way to get to this Roll up into a maths Roll up into the sums A beautiful mind shit

How do I get to this idiot joke I don't care I'm not scared of him He can't crush a car into all of us really joke. I don't care. I'm not scared of him. He can't crush a car into all of us really. Yeah, he's only

got my number. Send him a text right now that says can you come and

meet me in Newcastle? I'm bleeding out of my pussy. You have to send that now. You have to send that now, man. You have to right now. Where's your phone?

That is so funny. I'll send you, I'll pay you $50 if you do that. I'm bleeding out of my pussy. Do you get it? Yeah. Do you get it? Do you get it? What is real? What is real? What is real?

Because of the tampons. Oh. Look at his face. Capisode. Once a month, this thing happens to a woman where... I was still trying to connect this to the snack. I was like, maybe that's why they don't make them anymore. First the biscuit breaks, and then your pussy bleeds.

You have to. You have to message him right now. Do it, do it, do it. Yes. Just say, and just like start it with like J, comma. Yeah. Jesus Christ. How quickly can you get to Newcastle?

J, I don't suppose you're anywhere near Newcastle at the moment. I really need your help. Something's happened. Do you still have those tampons? There's a bit of an emergency. Fuck. No, no, no. You're overcomplicating it.

It has to be as simple as what Tommy said. I wish... This is my podcast right now. Yeah. The Phone Hacks Podcast. I can't... When you phone hack yourself. The Phone Hacks Podcast. When you phone hack yourself.

It'll be finally nice for a phone hack to be heard by an amount of people. Then get on Facebook and change your status to I'm gay. Hey, man, comma. Yeah. Hey, Jay. Wish you were in Newcastle right now. My pussy is really bleeding. Can you meet me in Newcastle right now?

I'm bleeding out of my pussy. Yeah, as a great man once said. What did you save his number under? No, it's on Facebook. Oh. Facebook Messenger. Oh, so you know his name? Yeah. Oh, so what's his name? No. Jaden. Come on, man. Let's just go Jaden. Why do you have to know his name?

Just his first name. Are you going to book him for spleen? He's got this great tampon bit. go, Jay. Why do you have to know his name? Just his first name. Are you going to book him for spleen? He's got this great tampon bit. Yeah, yeah. Just a look. You've done it. This next guy, he's had a real interesting life. Wow, you've done it.

Good for you. All right, let's see how it goes. Imagine. I think you'll find throughout history the best pranks always played on people that have been in prison

How good would it be if he just cops that and leaves you on read? I'm about to be David He's probably telling his friends I'm the biggest freak on the bus

Now look what he's fucking texting me Jesus Christ Has he gotten back to you that quickly? Yes Oh what? the bus. Now look what he's fucking texting me. Jesus Christ. Has he gotten back to you that quickly? Yes. Oh, what? Oh, nice. Sick. Oh, my. What happened?

Oh, my. Oh, my. He is talking like someone that looks like you should. Merciful heavens. Oh, wow. He learned some manners in the yard, I guess. Is that what he said in prison?

Like, oh, my. In the shower? Oh, my. I'm just bending over trying to clean up the droplets. Oh, my. Don't use that language on me. Did you kiss your boyfriend in prison with that mouth? Oh, my. Oh my, don't use that language on me. Did you kiss your boyfriend in prison with that mouth? Oh my, I don't know what to do about this synthetic heroin situation.

What should I write next? Synthetic heroin. I left the tampons on the bench. What should he write next, everyone? Hey, let's just bait this man more who's been to prison. Let's get him really mad. So I forgot the tampons on the bench at the bus stop. I forgot the tampons. Who's this man more who's been to prison? Let's get him really mad. Say I forgot the tampons on the bench at the bus stop.

I forgot the tampons. Or just go blood, full stop, pussy, full stop. You do the math. Just say if you can bring the tampons to Newcastle right now, there is a fully formed biscuit in it for you. The world's first unbreakable biscuit. Yeah, let's alienate this guy further. He's already mentally unwell. I just write, bring the tampons.

Yeah, bring the tampons. There's an unbroken biscuit in it for you. And then write, hurry. This is such a great image. Just him, a Sunday night at his mum and dad's house, just on Facebook Messenger, replied straight away, this is so sick. It's weird that he doesn't have anything to do.

Well, there's a limit to how many places you can go with that ankle bracelet, probably. So, yeah, it was quite a trip. Other than that, drove a tractor, went to the pub, nothing else. I like how it's not even been brought up that you showed us a video of you driving a tractor flat out down the highway. Yeah, that's pretty good, man. I enjoyed that.

It was a lot of fun. The guy said, oh, look, we've got a nice new tractor that we want you to, we thought you'd be impressed by that, and it was a case. And I was like, mate, I am not writing a case. I don't care how new it is, right? the broken snack i won't be seeing all right uh no but he said i've got an he goes he goes uh because i thought you wouldn't wouldn't want to go on my tractor because it's got a real dangerous auger at the back and the shocks aren't finished so you could it could bounce out of the seat we know what you're talking about but maybe explain guys so can you put this in the snack terms

so the biscuit uh had something on it that you used to dig post holes that could really rip your arm off uh yeah so i had that and then the bloke like, and it's got no roll cage thing, so you won't want to film it. And I was like, show me this tractor. And I saw it, and it is the best thing ever. And he thought, he showed me how to drive it, and I was like, yeah, whatever, mate, just give it to me, all right? And then, yeah, it's a G model Chamberlain, which is a very fast track.

That's classic. They are renowned for being fast. Man, you're preaching to the choir. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so it was cool. And then, yeah, that's about it really. I was in Colli Pub, right, this pub in the middle of fucking nowhere, right. There's nothing else around it, just a pub.

I was there in the tuxedo and then just having a drink by a fire a bloke walks in talks to the guys i'm talking to for at least two hours of beers doesn't say one thing and i was like what the fuck is going on and then i said um hey man look i don't mean to be rude, but you haven't mentioned this suit once. Hello. Dressed to the nines over here. Young bit of fluff rolls

into town. He called me David twice. It was weird. Hello, farmer wants a fuck over here. I wear a tuxedo into this establishment. Yeah. And he goes, oh, mate, that's just Koli Pub. We see the craziest shit here.

One night we had Brazilian dancers in here. And I was like, fuck, tell me all about that. And he's like, yeah, we had a bunch of Brazilian dancers. Just stop them by. And then we got them drunk. They got all the the gear and then they just started dancing in coli pub he goes we've driven a car through here like through the park he goes once i had a quad runner in here it was fucking great mate and i was like all of a sudden i'm entertained by this guy yeah in high biz like a man in a tuxedo going, ooh, regale me with more tails, sir.

Yeah, so it was a great time. I thoroughly enjoyed it. But there was a guy... It was very funny because the whole start of the trip was me driving you to Wood End because I sent you a message saying, have you got your shit sorted? And you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, except I have no idea how to get to Wood End.

So then as a joke, I go, I'll drive you there if you want to jump in the boot of my car. And then you didn't respond. And then you put out publicly like a day later, so Chandler's driving me to Wood End. And then I'm like, so does that mean you've agreed to travel in the boot? Because we haven't talked about it apart from that. So then I end up driving you to Wood End, not in the boot, we haven't talked about it apart from that so then i end up driving you to wood end not in the boot but i drove you there and you're and you're like man i wish i had a bit like yeah you would have died but um here's the best thing ever though carl goes i've just got

to get the racv man to start the start the car it's got a flat battery right starts the car starts up beautifully carl walks over to the guy tries to pay him and then the guy goes no man you're covered it's part of the insurance and then carl looks at me like sweet like how good is this deal all right i just got to pay him yearly and uh yeah i get a free jump start. No, I got a free battery. They gave me a completely free battery. You're pointing it out like it's a silly thing. It's actually just a transaction. No, you tried to pay an RACV man.

But that's what usually happens. Who gives a shit? Shut up. You don't have a car, but that's actually what happens. But then on the phone, you bragged to your wife about it. You said, oh, man, it was so good. Yeah, that was me. Oh, man. Oh, by the way, how was she?

Callback. Did he try and pay the ROCV guy like he pays people for his gigs, just a 50 in the palm? Thanks, mate. Love your work. And he goes, I've got a free battery He goes, I think I'm just going to drive back from Woodend Just with my lights on

So I can get another free one So this is what happened No, that reminds me Because, you know As most of you guys know, hopefully The birthday present From a couple of years ago Was you and a bunch of guys yes

chipped in to buy me personalized number plate which was got him which is like awesome because we no longer use that joke on the show and i'm i'm just stuck with that number plate um so i have that on my number on my car and it's been there for years and whatever and i put that up on social media a couple weeks ago i mean oh just a reminder that I've got fucking I'm stuck with this still and one of you nerds then gets onto the Vic Rhodes website whatever and then like checks the registration goes by the way that number plate is not registered and I'm like well that can't be true because I've been driving around with it for three years. So then someone else checks as well and they're like, no, that's right, that's not registered.

And I'm like, fucking what? So I'm like, how's that? All right, so I rang them up and I go, I've got this number, I'm just double checking, this number plate. And they're like, what's the number plate? I checking. This number plate. And they're like, what's the number plate? I'm like, got him. And they're like, what?

G-O-T-T-I-M. And she's like, got him is your number plate. I'm like, this is your job. You shouldn't be spooked by anything. This is your job. And she's like, okay, I'm running that through. And she's like, there is no record of that. I'm like, fuck.

I've been driving around unregistered for three years. And also, I've been collecting a lot of fines with that number plate. I'm like, how can that be right? Because I've been getting all these speeding tickets and red light cameras, fines, everything. They got you, brother. And they're like, oh, yeah, that's fine. We still find a way of getting that back to you. Well, I mean, a little bit of a heads up would have been nice along the way.

Some guy called Tim just getting all these fines. So that's not registered at all. So then I had to register it again. And so now I got that many fines on my car that I've started driving my wife's car around. I got that many fines on my car that I've started driving my wife's car around. And now that's got so many fines on it. Fucking hell. What are you doing behind the wheel? Maybe stay off the road, Carl.

I don't know. I think I might start taking the bus. No, you don't want to. But so I drove you there. That was my first drive for ages in that car. And it was good because I got the first glimpse into you turning up with the whole tux on, the top hat on, everything, get you in the car. And then we go to Wood End and I go, you know what?

I know you. You haven't got anything organised. I'm going to bring you to this bakery. It's a good bakery. I'll get you something to eat on the way. And then as soon as we, And you're a bit worried. As soon as we get out of the car, literally inside the first metre of the bakery

this woman just goes, nice suit. I got off the train in Bendigo. This lady walks up to me because someone paid $40 so I had to wear a tag saying I never bomb. My name is Nick, I never bomb. And then this woman comes up to me and she kind of pulls at the tag, like grabs it and goes, what's it say?

And I'm like, Nick, I never bomb. And she's like, goodbye. And someone else gave you $40. You had to start every day. What was the thing you had to do at the start of every day, the first person you saw? Oh, sing Thank God I'm a Country Boy. Give us a rendition right now because it was beautiful stuff on the videos.

Got me a girl, got me a fiddle. Sun's coming up, I got cakes on a griddle. It'd be nice if people clapped. Life ain't nothing but a funny, funny riddle. Thank God I'm a country boy. Yeah! Should have got Heggie to do that. You've got a good voice.

And then you had a big book of extraordinary chickens or something. You had to ask people what their favourite chicken was. Everyone picked the Polish frizzzzle, which was really annoying. Basic. Yeah, it's basic. It's a book of fucking chickens. Yeah, a book of extraordinary chickens. Kylie sent that to me, a listener, and she said,

I'll mail this book to you if you read the chickens out of it. She goes, the pages are stuck together. Yes! Because you were recording it and you were going up to everyone and going, what's your favourite chicken and all the pages are stuck together?

Mine is all of them. As you can see. Laid a few eggs on my own. I took it with me in prison Hello everyone My name's PT Barnum And I've got a circus full of chickens that I fuck The tux isn't the weirdest thing about me

Have you had any other word from Jaden In the time we've been talking Yes I don't think it's as good. I just wrote, because he goes, I can't continue to bail you out of your feminine hygiene needs. Pretty funny. However, if I'm coming that far, I have expectations.

Yes, go on. This guy... Cameron can see what's next, and it is not good. It's someone with blood. He's got a photo of someone with blood all over their face. No, no. I regret asking. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I rolled the dice. I have to say, Jaden's vocab is a lot bigger than I expected yeah oh my yeah you have to write back

oh my now that's it I just wrote this is serious and then he wrote I have needs and I'm just going to write back

oh my do you know what's happening get here quick my downstairs is broken like a biscuit it started as a prank but now it's a friendship Do you know what's happening now? Get here quick. My downstairs is broken like a biscuit.

It started as a prank, but now it's a friendship. That's what's happening. And now I'm fluent in prison lingo. You're going to fly this guy out to open for your next comedy festival, I reckon. Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, I told him to listen. Oh, really? To this?

Just kidding. Anyway, Jaden, we think you're awesome. Yeah, absolute champion. Foolish shit. If you take an umbrage with anything I've said about you, my number is 043... No! Fucking hell. Well, fuck. We haven't even... I mean, we're coming to the end, but we brought a local with us, Cameron Fucking hell Well fuck

We haven't even I mean we're coming to the end But we brought a local with us Cameron James I wanted to learn a little bit more about Newcastle You're a Newcastle boy done average Yeah I actually met this weird guy on the bus I've got nothing to top that story

It's fucked up How do you beat that? How do you beat red wine out of a coconut water? this weird guy on the bus. I've got nothing to top that story. It's fucked up. How do you beat that? How do you beat red wine out of a coconut water? Yeah, I don't know. I thought, if this is only the first day, it wasn't even the first day, it was the first half of the day this happened, I was like, I am not ready for this trip.

I'm not ready for this. Because, yeah, I went to China in a tuxedo Serbia stuff Nothing this fucked up ever happened This is the thing that we're wondering about Because after you did that first trip You're like I want to do it again I want to do something else So now you've done this Well we've got a trip in Hobart

Can you swim to Hobart and get some funny stories Oh god Sorry Someone heckled And I don't know what they said. I hope they were saying, don't do it. A local moron drowns in Bass Strait. But with a very formal wetsuit on. Would you jet ski to Tasmania?

Oh, can you do that? How long would that? Oh Can you do that? How long would that take? Can you do that? I'll take a couple Yeah you can How do you know? You don't know Some guy yells out

Yes you can You don't even know How to get to the front of the room A podcast fan Knows how to jet ski to Hobart Right Thank god we have an expert We're going to Perth in October

Are you going to drive a go-kart Across the Nullarbor You fuckhead Do you want to drive akart across the Nullarbor You fuckhead Do you want to drive a jet ski across the Nullarbor There's a drought on so no I just want to say there was a time when We used to come to Newcastle to gig a lot And the fucked things

Happened in Newcastle This is like the most polite, nice group of people ever. What the fuck has happened? This town has really come up. Yeah. I know, it's great. You guys were saying that you used to do these really rough gigs. My favourite pub's name of all time, The Oriental.

Because I was like, I found it online. I was like saying to UCAP, I was like, I'll buy you, I was like saying to UCAP, I was like, I'll buy your room at the Oriental. How funny is this? You're like, I've gigged there 50 to 60 times. A million times, yeah. One time I was like, I was there and the crowd were very angry because you would spend an hour and a half, two hours,

driving from Sydney going, this will either be the best gig I've ever had or the worst gig I've ever had. And I've heard of nightmares. I heard one guy came down for a 20-minute spot. The gig was going great. Then he got on stage, a Bucks party full of like 40 people walked in the pub, could not hear his set. And then when he got off, the Bucks party left.

And then he drove back to Sydney I had one where I came down to host it and I brought on the first act and everything was going great, I went to the toilet by the time I came out everyone in the room was throwing their coasters at the guy on stage

and going fuck off fuck you, and he was going no, just one second, just let me do, please. I was like, what the fuck happened in Newcastle at the Oriental? Just let me do duck sandwich and you'll be back on my side. You were telling me, Carl, that you had some story about Newcastle from some band that I've never heard of before when they came and did something here. Oh, yeah, yeah, that you had some story about Newcastle from some band that I've never heard of before, when they came and did something here.

Yeah, so when they first started out, when they first started getting big, I don't know if I've told you guys personally, but I know the Avalanches. Wow. And they were telling me that back in the day they came up here really early on and they're genuinely

thinking this was really funny. One of the members got his hat off and put it on his foot and then got his shoe and put it on his head and was like, check that out. And everyone's like, boo. That's the worst. And then one of my mates was like,

you know, they're in New, you're in Newcastle. So he's like chucking in a local reference. So this is mid gig. They're doing this. Yes. So he's on stage and he goes...

Yeah, you don't open with that. You pull that... Yeah, that was a member of the band. I think they're a massive cockhead. But my mate was like going... He was like going, oh, and he thought local reference, Newcastle crowd. He goes, after this, guys, party at Jonesy's.

And everyone's like, what? He meant Daniel Johns. Yeah, what? He meant Daniel Jones. Daniel Jones. Jonesy. Jonesy. From Golden Throne. Those boys rock. Oh, my God.

Derek Jones, let's go to his house after this. Jonesy's sitting at home and a bunch of people rock up and they're like, we're here to beat the fuck out of the dude who put their hat on his foot. I used to play in a local band in here and the best thing that ever happened, I reckon, was us and another band called Vaudeville and there was about ten people in the gig. Peggy, any thoughts? It was in Cambridge, the old Cambridge back in the day.

And there was about ten people there. Vaudeville were on first and the singer was so nervous that he farted right before they went on and it cleared the room. And then they just played to us up the back, just living in their stink. Got to support local artists. What was the name of your band? We had many different names.

I think at that point we were called Montana Fire. Oh, my God. What? Oh, man. I'd never been to America at that point. Hadn't even seen Scarface. I had no reference. If you want to see a band with a name that stinks more than the opening act.

Yes. I remember once I was doing the Oriental and it was one of my first kind of paid spots. I was stoked. This is the gig, right? I drank every... They said, because you're getting a paid gig, you're going to... You've got to do the ice. Thank you.

I was like, oh, okay. This one does not connect to Le Snack. And I was stoked. I couldn't believe I was getting paid to do comedy. I still can't believe it. Walked right into that one. I came to Newey once because I used to work for Australian Idol and it was fucked.

Hang on, hang on, hang on. Yeah. Hang on. Pop a pin here. We might need to dial this story back a little bit. We might need to come back to the start a little bit You used to work for Australian Idol Or you were sucking off dicker or something Yeah

You were Guy Sebastian's fluffer Touchdown It was in that era You're going to Sydney to suck my dick. That's great. Hickey doesn't talk for about half an hour and then as soon as he gets on, yeah, you suck dick.

Fuck you. See you, mate. So, sorry, you used to work for a Australian idol. So what did you do? I used to drive the fuckwits around when it was like down to the last 12 or something I used to drive them around but pre that I'd go out on the audition tours

how far you've come you drove us to Newcastle today and they send me out to places like this and go just go speak to the radio stations and stuff and drum up some business for the audition tour coming so I got in the car and drove and you are the number one hype man in the business. Oh, yeah. It came unstuck pretty quickly.

They're all just telling me to fuck off. And so I got here, right? I just got told to fuck off by one newspaper and one radio station. NXFM and the Herald, yeah. Shout out to the locals. Shout out. And so I just went to the Dark Snarts And started drinking

Wow This was back in the day Yeah So that's like the roughest pub In Newcastle right It was It's not there anymore Right

It's now What's it called The Family Family Man my favourite We don't have this in Victoria By the way This is like

This is like a regular thing In New South Wales right It's like the railway Or the Great Northern Or whatever You call a lot of pubs the family. That sounds like a fucking cult, by the way. That sounds like a pub that lets 12-year-olds in to drink.

I got fingered at the family. F to F. Sorry, so you went to the Ducks and started drinking after you got told to fuck off? Yeah, yeah. At the end of the night, I was just getting punched in the head. I don't remember the end of the night I was just getting punched in the head I don't remember a bit of it

but I just yeah just got punched in the head and I just went back to my hotel Marsha Hines was hitting you in the head what was going on

oh fuck man Marsha Hines never hit me in the head she used to do mosaics and shit in her green room and then bits of tile

fucking space cadet and she'd say to me, like she'd say, I'd have to go to the fucking art supply shop and shit and get her stuff. And she'd make this mosaic, look like, you know, mosaic, like a kid's one. And she'd give it to me and go, you can sell that and give the money to charity.

I said, all right. And she'd like sign it and stuff. And I used to take it out the front of the studio and just put it on top of the dumpster. So she'd have to walk past to go to the limo.

But she, once I, we were in like Mount Isa or somewhere shit, we're all sitting in the, like the

fucking airport just all tired after auditioning. Kappa, you can go now, by the way. Found something more fucked. We're done with you. We're done with you.

Yeah, sorry. And everyone's really tired, all just sitting there, and just waiting for the plane. And she's reading a magazine. All of a sudden, she just looks up and looks at everyone and goes, do you believe in Atlantis? I do. And then just went back to our books.

Hang on, so you're in Mount Isa. Fantastic. That is the greatest. Like a mosaic. That has got to be the most messiest art thing to do. It's fucking, yeah. I don't know what she was singing. It's not the art thing to do. It's fucking, yeah. I don't know. I don't know what she was singing.

It's not the worst thing that happened. There's plenty more. But don't worry about it. What is the worst thing that happened? Because that's what we want to know. When I used to have to drive them around, not them, I'd have to pick her up. The fucking kids.

The contestants. The contestants, right? The kids. The little ones. You weren't working on Young Talent Time, contestants, right. The little ones. You weren't working on Young Talents on by the way. It's worse. You take them out to places like Westmead Hospital so they can pat

sick kids on the head and stuff. Yeah, I remember that. Happiest day of my life. Yeah. Has Shetanol cured him of cancer Yeah Went under the covers And then the next day I was cured

St David Do you know I had that exact same job But on Farmer Wants A Wife Oh Jesus Yeah I was like a runner On Farmer Wants A Wife Oh Jesus Yeah I was like a runner on Farmer Wants A Wife I had to drive The wives around

Yeah Between dates and stuff And on day one They went Don't give them any information About the farmers You're not allowed to know They're not allowed to know

Anything about them They're always in my ear What's he think of me Blah blah blah By day eight or whatever They'd be like What's he think of me And I'd be like

Oh he doesn't like you He's not He doesn't like, what's he think of me? And I'd be like, oh, he doesn't like you. He's not. He doesn't like you. He's a real spreading shit, putting it in their ears, trying to influence the show. Someone told me a real funny story about you, Heggy. Did you work on Embarrassing Bodies as well? Oh, no.

No, that was 10 Years Younger in 10 Days. 10 Years Younger in... Fucking terrible show. Yeah. Now I haven't heard of it, I don't know why. What did they say? Apparently they said that it was your job to label the tapes or something. Oh, yeah, I have to script.

So rather than, like, so you'd have a different, you know, episode with someone with a different, you know, thing. Yeah, getting their teeth done and their fucking lipo, so it's disgusting. Yeah, lipo or something like that. But you didn't write the level or the cut or the take. You just wrote things like, fucked teeth. Wow. How did you hold down a job, man?

Oh, man. It's fucking hard to get sacked. It's kind of a shame that you've started having, you know, you've got a lot of success as a stand-up and in front of the camera because it's so much better knowing that there's someone like that behind the scenes doing all that shit. Man, it's hard to get sacked. I was in fucking Melbourne.

I don't know where, you know, I didn't know Melbourne at all. And Carl Sanderlans has walked in throwing his fucking car keys at me and going, park that. I was like, all right. So I took his car for a drive, right? It was like 2003, so I didn't have a proper phone or anything. I got fucking lost. I'm in like a BMW just going out of the city on a highway.

Park low. So I thought I'd just roll through a few red lights and shit and, you know, just have a bit of fun through the block and come back. That is literally got him. Give him the Chando treatment. After about an hour and a half, I had to ring my boss and say, man, I'm fucking lost.

You can sack me if you want, but this is what I've done. I can see Parliament. I think I might be in the suburbs or something. You were in Australian Idol and Ferris Bueller at the same time. And he just goes, yeah, don't worry about it. I fucking hate him too.

Just get back here when you can. I'm like, all right, you cannot get sacked. Fucking hell. Should we wrap this up? Yeah, we better wrap it up. This has been a mammoth episode. Guys, thank you so much for coming out. That is the end of the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week.

Thank you, Newcastle. Let's give a big round of applause. Nick Capa, Cam James, Luke Heggy. Newcastle, thank you so much for coming out our first time here. Thank you for absolutely packing out this room. And we'll see you next time. See you, mate. checking out this room, and we'll see you next time.

See you, mates. And they've done it again for the first time in Newcastle. They certainly have. What a great show those people put on. Yeah. We are here once again for another instalment of Talking Dum Dum, the unofficial guide to the little Dum Dum Club where we dissect the week's events. Lots of gossip, lots of celebrity gossip from within the world of Little Dum Dum Club.

Yeah. It's us having a commentary on it because it's like teachers. If you can't do, teach. So we wish we could do what they do in Little Dum Dum Club. Those who can't pod, talk. Yes. I don't know how they do. Those who can't pod talk. Yes. Well, you know, I don't know. I don't know how they do it.

That's the thing. I'm not qualified to talk about how they've done it again. It's just magic to me. Imagine getting up in front. Imagine having the skill to like go for a jog and then… Get on the phone. Yeah. Then just run in halfway through a show and then talk about what the run was like.

Nothing really happened. Yeah, I was thinking that when we got home. I'm like thinking about it on the way into the show like, oh, this will be great for content and then getting home and going, why would that have been good for content? Totally. As I sat down, I had that feeling too. But speaking of runs that potentially aren't any good for content,

if you are listening to this hot off the presses, this Sunday, I am running in the city to surf in Sydney. Thank you to everyone who has contributed so far to raise money for the Children's Cancer Institute. There's a couple of days left for you to do that. There is a link to my fundraising page on the front of littledumbdumbclub.com. We've obliterated the kind of goal that I set, the very modest goal of fundraising. But it'd be great to get a bunch more in there and, yeah, raise more money for those guys. And if you're running in the city to surf, if you're planning on spectating the city to surf, you might see me running past in a T-shirt that I designed that has a drawing of me jacking off a bull on it. So it should be good fun.

Yep. And thank you very much to everyone who donated to the charity that we talked about during this episode for that little run that I did for Shake It Up Australia. That is Parkinson's Research, of course. And raising in the end, it was just a tick under four grand, which is awesome. And raising, in the end, it was just a tick under four grand, which is awesome.

And, of course, we were the number one fundraiser for that charity, which, you know, it's not a competition, is it? Was it? A little bit. But we were number one out of everyone, out of every comedian that tried to raise money for Shake It Up Australia, number one. What do you think about that, Tommy? You're just looking at me with a very pensive look. No, you're reading a prepared statement and I'm just giving it the full room to breathe. Just reading the press release on behalf of the little dumb number club.

For immediate release. Who's the press contact on this one? 0438. Not a competition, but if it was, number one and number two was some cunt with his head up his ass. That's for sure. Guys, chip into the Kids Cancer Institute. If you feel like giving to a run that's not being done out of spite,

I cannot stress this enough. Hey, hey. I'm just thinking of those poor people out there. That's all I'm thinking of. And they've got all that money. Who are the listeners of this? Yes. And people with their head up their asses, Dad.

So, thank you very much. Thank you to Brent. Yes. Brent ran along with me, as you heard on the show. Brent and one more listener that I can't remember the name of, but fuck, I've done well with just knowing him, to be honest. I'm pretty fucking happy. Yep.

I have written it down in front of myself as well. Wait, you can't remember the name? name off but fuck i've done well with just knowing to be honest i'm pretty fucking happy yep i have written it down in front of myself as well but um wait you've got wait you can't remember the name you've got written down no that's i was you wrote brent down just to make sure i remembered right but then the one that you didn't write down yes that's escaped you yes right absolutely okay um yes so thank you very much for those two guys for accompanying me in the line of duty style, just like the president driving along in the car version of Air Force One. And good of them to have bought themselves tickets to the show and then put themselves in a position where they missed the first good 15 minutes of it.

Absolutely, absolutely. Do you think you'll listen back to this one for the first time ever to hear what you missed out on while you weren't in the room? Well, listeners and whatever was like saying, oh, obviously you guys have stitched me up or whatever. I don't care. Not really. Whatever. I didn't really stitch you up at all.

Right. Okay. Well, whatever. I'm not going to listen. But you were, it was funny because you were texting me thinking that, I think we said this on the app, but you were texting me thinking that we hadn't started the show. Right. Like, so we're in the middle of it and my phone's going off and it's you going,

cunt, start the fucking show. Like, we're in the middle of it. It's fine. Chill out. Yeah, but having said that. Focus on hydrating. Having said that, we were talking as I was running and you were like, oh, should I start the show?

And I was like, yes, the time I gave you is the time you should start the show and you hadn't started the show. No, you're delirious from the run. You're misremembering that. No, no from the run. You're misremembering that. No, no, no. You're completely misremembering that. Absolutely not. No.

You called me and said start it now and so I started it. Well, I think that's a Tommy version of things. I think your version is a Carl version of things. Yes. Thank you. A correct version. Thank you. No, a Carl remembering while he's on a run, severely delirious.

No. You said to start a quarter past, and we started a quarter past. Yeah, but I rang you about that time. And then I started it. And you were like, oh, what now? And I'm like, yes. No, because at one point Kappa was in the group going, this guy is nowhere near reaching me.

So I didn't want to be doing the show for like half an hour before you turned up there. That is your mistake. You have trusted Nick Kappa. That's not the word of me. That is Nick Capper. So there you go. Case dismissed.

If that's a legal term that means I win, case dismissed. Well, I started the show and I was meant to start the show. Okay. Well, all right. I've run out of interest. So I'm right. No. Absolutely not.

Thanks to everyone who came out and will agree that I was right. No. Thank you for coming to the Newcastle show. I listened to this back yesterday. I think this might be one of the best ever. This is an all-timer. Really? Yeah.

In terms of quality of recording, I mean, that's boring for people under here because I've already heard it, but everything good? Yeah. Yeah, great. Nice. Great. Thanks very much. Newcastle, man, we'd be stupid to not come back.

That was great. Very fun. We, yeah, you guys took off straight away. Back, you and the other guests apart from Kappa. Me and Kappa stayed in Newcastle. Yeah, I mean, we stayed for a couple of hours, but. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

For a little bit. But we stayed out. I thought, oh, this will be fun. I'll hang out. And then it was just me in shorts and singlet with dried sweat on me going, oh, I guess we'll have a couple of beers. And then it's like, you know, Newcastle's not the, the biggest. So it's Sunday night. Everything closed up. And then it was like Kappa going to some shit pub and going, come up and meet me in this shit pub.

It'll be good. pub and going, come up and meet me in this shit pub. It'll be good. And then he must have got in just before 120 teenagers lined up out the front. So then it was just me lining up, trying to get into this fucking pub I don't even want to go into. Right. With so many 18-year-olds trying to get in and going. This is a fucking worst idea.

So that didn't happen. But Newcastle, thank you very much. I would say, look, I would lock it in next time we go to Sydney. We do the same thing again. Sure. It was great as long as you guys want to come along. And just quick shout out to one of the guests on this episode, Cameron James, who I don't think mentioned this in the app, but he wanted me to plug this.

He has a solo show coming up August the 17th at the Comedy Store in Sydney. Big return show for him. So go and check that out. Cam's always great on the pod. If you're in Sydney and you're a fan of him and you're a fan of this, go and support Newcastle's favourite son, Cameron James. Whoa, big call.

Yeah, huge call. I'm not prepared to make it. Speaking of plugs from people that were on that show. Absolutely should do the same thing to Nick Cabba, who dominated on that show. He is doing a stand-up special, let's say. Him and Brett Blake, two great, great, great friends of the show, are doing a live stand-up show.

It is 15th of September at the Comic Sans, 4 o'clock until question mark, as they say on their own poster, which is very clever marketing, in my humble opinion. So if you want to go to Blakey or Kappa's websites, you'll be able to check out how to get tickets to that. They are doing back-to-back, I believe, hour specials,

so they can tape it for some form of TV recording, which I think is a very loose term. Mm-hmm. A TV special. I guess they can, you know, these days you can play it through your own TV with your own recording. Yeah, you can put it on a USB stick and watch it on TV. It is a TV special in the way that they are going to watch it on their TV when they get

home. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, I doubt either of them own a TV, but... Yeah, right. No, no, Blakey does. I went to his house. It's about the only thing he does own, I believe. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Well, I doubt either of them own a TV, but... Yeah, right. No, no, Blakey does. I went to his house.

It's about the only thing he does own, I believe. Yeah. Well, you should just say special laptop recording. Right, yeah. Special dot MPEG recording. But, hey, yeah, if you haven't seen those two, absolutely, two of our superstar guests, if you can hear that bleeding into the mic, I don't know My child, this is the first episode of Talking Dumb Dumb

That my child has been, that little blanket is sitting in on Gurgling Dumb Dumb Yes, I don't know if you can hear that But she's two feet away from me And she's usually pretty quiet in the company of strangers But she must have warmed to you, Tommy. Well, she's facing you, so maybe she can't see me. She can't tell that I'm here.

Right. So she's not aware that there's a stranger in the room. I'm talking. She thinks I'm talking to her. Yeah. Blanket, this is not me talking to you. I'm sorry. I'm entertaining the people at home, not just you.

Because I say different things to you, don't I? Well, pretty much. There is a bit of a crossover. I would imagine there's a great deal of crossover. There's a lot of in both versions. So, yeah, that's something. So, guys, keep in mind that I'm keeping my language a lot less fruity this week. Because this is the first official day of full-time daddy.

I know. My wife has gone back to work. I am in charge of the child full-time. I've got a big list of things to do and not to do. I did notice that, the printed out sheet of instructions that you've been given. We made a trip to Officeworks yesterday, so I can't possibly stuff this up. They needed to be printed out and not just trusted to being able to be looked at on the phone?

Well, I don't know. The phone. Look, I like this. It's good. I've got everything in front of me. It's good. I wouldn't trust myself to remember every single bit. Can I read it?

Yeah, for sure. Give me two copies. Oh, that's a good question. I don't know. In case I lose one immediately, which I would absolutely be liable of doing. All right. So can I quiz you on it?

Well, since I have another copy, absolutely, go for it. 7.30 a.m. Awaken up. Change nappy. Feed. Mum at a breastfeed. Yeah.

I don't need to do any of that stuff. Well, you didn't need to read it out. 9 a.m. Offer soldiers egg with avocado or rice cereal with apple puree breastfeed. Yeah. Jesus Christ. I don't need to do any of that stuff. A bit much? Well, you didn't need to read it out. 9am, office soldiers, egg with avocado or rice cereal with apple puree or mashed banana through sieve.

10am, settle for sleep. Aim for one to two hours sleep. Resettle if she wakes up after 30 or 40 minutes. But enough of my schedule.

Why don't you read out in your blankets? Okay, so have all of those been done? Up to this point, yes. Okay. Yeah, I'm doing reasonably well. What did you pick? Egg with avocado or rice cereal with apple puree or mashed banana?

Which one did you go with today? We did egg and avocado. Good choice. But she wasn't much of a fan of it. Oh, really? Yeah. Wants to own a house one day. Mmm, yuck. Look, the egg wasn't much of a fan of it. Oh, really? Yeah. Wants to own a house one day.

Yuck. Look, the egg wasn't in great form. It was a bit overcooked. So she wasn't really... Right. And whose fault's that? Actually, not mine. Oh, classic. Of course not.

It was a pre-prepared egg, unfortunately. So 12 noon, awaken up, change nappy. That hasn't happened yet. I've been here since 10 past 11, so I can attest to that. Oh, yeah. Shit. I should have changed that. Feed formula, so I can attest to that. Oh, yeah. Shit. I should have changed that. Feed formula, 180 mils of warm water with three scoops.

She's had that. She's had that. Because she didn't eat heaps of the egg and avocado. She had the banana, so she's had a big milk. Offer solids. Wow, here we go. Defrost two big ice cubes from freezer and microwave. Either sweet potato, pumpkin, zucchini, carrot or broccoli.

Offer mashed banana or apple puree as dessert. This baby eats better than I do. Yeah, yeah. Fucking hell. I'm getting inspired myself. Yep. Yeah, look, this is my new life. This is me trying to fit in comedy around keeping a human alive,

which will be interesting. How are you feeling about it half a day in? around keeping a human alive, which will be interesting. How are you feeling about it half a day in? It's okay until I realise that this is my life forever. Right, because I think you've had a pretty charmed run of it so far. Yes. For being a new dad, you've travelled a lot.

Yep. You've had a lot of nights out at the pub. Yep. And it's all, I think, yeah, I'm interested to see the big reality dose that you're in for now. Yeah, it's okay. You know, I've had a good run in my entire life, so it's time to do this. And look, I do a lot of my work from home or whatever, so it's fine. Yeah.

What's going on, Blanket? Are you just getting, is the reality hitting you that I've got to look after you and your entire life is in my hands? She's getting that vacant, faraway stare, thousand-yard stare going, I'm not long for this world. Okay. Anyway, that's baby talk. Let's get on with some other stuff. Let's get on to some more high-class action.

Reading out names. Well, not everyone wants to hear instructions on how to keep a baby alive, but anyway, it's good. I don't know if it's great content, but it's okay. It's okay. Yeah, so get along. Capper and Blakey show, like I said, September 15. So it's the two of them.

They're doing an hour each. I think so. Like a best of kind of set. Look, they haven't given me a set of instructions as complex as the list that I got this morning from Don't Say a Name. So, yeah. Although they probably will be eating mashed banana or apple puree as well. So get along to that. Cam James and Nick Cavoc and Brett Blake.

Lots of stuff going. Also, us. We don't have heaps that aren't sold out at the moment. Perth is sold out coming up. We have, at time of speaking, literally four tickets left for the Hobart Live podcast. Yep. Now, so get onto that immediately. We are recording this a tiny bit early from when it comes out.

So get onto that. But because we are either nearly, nearly, nearly sold out or about to sell out, we have decided to put on another show, but not another podcast, another stand-up show. So what our podcast is on at five o'clock, five o'clock in Hobart on Saturday, November the 23rd. Yep. So now we are adding an additional 3 o'clock stand-up show. That is an hour stand-up show. That is me and you and guests.

Yep. It's not a huge, huge, huge thing. It's like an hour show. So there's a bunch of us doing stand-up. It's slightly cheaper than the podcast. So, yeah, if you want to hang out and make a bunch of us doing stand-up. It's slightly cheaper than the podcast. So, yeah, if you want to hang out and make a day of it, it's only now a show and it's cheaper. It'll be heaps of fun.

It'll be very good. Looking forward to it. Yeah, get in early and get onto that. Because, again, small venue, so it will hopefully sell out reasonably quickly. Yep. And, yeah, thanks to everyone who's gotten onto that so quickly. That's great to have sold out Hobart this far in advance.

Yeah. Should we touch on this, the whole Fiona O'Loughlin controversy that we've been dealing with in the last week? Just, look, interesting that we hit the papers and all that stuff. Yeah, I guess. Yeah. You're not interested in that? I'm not. No, I'm interested in it.

But it's just, I don't know, it's kind of fucked and a bit depressing, don't you think? In a way. Yeah. You're not interested in that? I'm not. No, I'm interested in it, but it's just, I don't know, it's kind of fucked and a bit depressing, don't you think, in a way? Yeah. Oh, look. It's incredibly frustrating. It's, as long as Fiona's all right with it. What happened for people that don't realise is that we did an episode a couple of weeks ago, you would have heard.

We're all just having fun and saying stupid stuff. Anyway, in a very convoluted way, that got picked up by the papers through a couple of weird coincidences and stuff like that. Anyway, so that meant we and Fiona were in the Daily Mail and the Herald Sun, all that sort of stuff. Well, it was pretty much, I think it started in the Daily Mail and then a bunch of other places picked it up. But it was just them having copy and pasted the exact same story.

Yeah. Basically. So a couple of our listeners on Facebook and stuff were going, oh, isn't it funny to think that now someone in a, you know, nine users list, it's like no one person listened to this. Yeah. And wrote a story. And then all these other ones have just copy and pasted.

But you know, you know how it actually happened? You did tell me, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Literally, like, in that episode, we talk about the producer, the ex-EP of Studio 10. And because of that, someone on Twitter just added him and went, hey, they mentioned you on this podcast. And that guy's just gone, okay, and just listened to it. Right.

And then he makes his own, like, blog, like, entertainment blog. Ronnie Chang would love it. listen to it. Right. And then he makes his own blog, like entertainment blog. Ronnie Chang would love it. And then talked about how much Fiona made on I'm a Celebrity. Right. And because that's a very insider's sort of industry blog, just someone from the Daily

Mail has read that. Right. And then turned it into a story. Right. And then all the other ones were copied from the Daily Mail. Off from that. story right and then all the other ones were copied from the daily mail so it was on news.com.au mamma mia nine now channel nine's news website or whatever that is daily mail and on top of that i think what happened was uh that was the initial story the whole uh how much fiona got paid stuff

like that and then one person has actually listened to the podcasting on oh there's more in there than yeah there's also these you know erwin family quotes and blah, blah, blah. Us being stupid and trying to be funny and whatever it is and they've taken it seriously and whatever. So that's not as fun. The initial bit I think was fun, like just putting the, you know, how much she got paid and all that stuff. It was just funny to be in the paper and stuff like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The next day wasn't as cool. Yeah, and then Fiona's getting a bit of flack on social media and stuff like that from these fucking – from people that want to get weirdly defensive about the Irwin family. Yeah. Like – Yeah, look, I get it all or whatever.

And the good thing is, like, I'm happy to talk about it because I've talked to Fiona since and she seems to be coping fine with it. It's okay. You know, there's – you know, the new cycle. Like, oh, it's a thing for a day and then the next day it's all gone. So, like, whatever. I think it's all gone now. Yeah.

Okay. Well, yeah, as long as she's okay about it. Yeah. Well, that's, I talked to her. So, that's the feeling. She's okay. And what's helped is that a heap of our listeners have hit her up and stuff like that. She's got a lot of love from our listeners.

So, feel free and stuff like that. She's got a lot of love from our listeners. So feel free to keep doing that if you want to send the message how much you enjoy her on the podcast. Because that's the one fear is that people will be a lot more guarded or less loose when they get on this thing. Because I think listeners start to think, oh, what's there going to be a new reporter that's just reporting on podcasts from now? No, this was just a weird coincidence that any of it got through.

Yeah. People aren't listening. Reporters aren't listening to this show. Yeah, and also the fact that it started with her giving out a factoid about a TV show that people are interested in that is a big TV show. Yep. She's a public figure. People care about that show.

People are interested in that kind of side of things. It's just, it's just because it's about that. Yeah. Anyone else giving any other kind of factoid, I don't think any, I don't think papers or sites or anything would give half a fuck about. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I think it'd be, I think it'd be good if they did do it though. And they, they, they just set someone to find out the real name of blanket. And all of a sudden that's in the Daily Mail.

Yeah. That would be awesome. Yeah. Like Daily Mail's the worst but I actually love it as well. Oh, it's great. Yeah. Yeah. They're crazy articles that have about 43 pictures.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Throughout them with just the same caption on all of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's just so hard to scroll through. It's like, oh, there's now another seven pictures in a row. I just want to get to the next one sentence of the article before the next five pictures. Yeah. Fucking hell.

It was funny seeing all those things go up on Friday and, like, and realising that, you know, this is someone's – someone's sitting there transcribing out quotes from a podcast and they've probably got a journalism degree to have done this. Like this is what you're earning a salary for today. Fuck me. That's because like if you look at the Daily Mail, it is so chockers with articles. They just need, you know, everything's got to be an article. Yeah. Like there's no time to go, should this be an article?

No, it just is. Yeah. Yeah. There's no second thoughts. Just churn it out. Just to be an article. Yeah. Like, there's no time to go, should this be an article? No, it just is. Just, yeah. Yeah, there's no second thoughts. Just churn it out. Just keep going with it. Yeah. But what I thought was slightly amusing was that the EP of, ex-EP of Studio 10, so they've picked that story up from them, from that blog, and then he's gone and tweeted, oh,

lazy, lazy stuff from, you know from daily mail oh you know i put up my blog and then they take that straight away it's pretty transparent that you've just taken this story it's like did where did you get that story from yeah right where's the story you got on that blog i think that might have been from us we should start our own entertainment blog where we just leak stuff that we've heard on the podcast. Oh, that's good. That's how we deliberately filter stuff through to Daily Mail. That's how we can be more in charge of what we want out there.

People have said that to me, like, you know, that what we should do is deliberately leak stuff and pitch stuff to websites like that, which I think is a bit yuck. But, you know, like, that's surely a way to stop this podcast being as interesting. But that would be very funny if we just do that and straight away we go, we've got an exclusive and just pretend to be a third party. Yeah. Just be your own. I don't think that's yuck. I mean, there's so many things that are yuck and, you know,

all that stuff happening is yuck anyway. Yeah. So if you're doing it deliberately, like if you're doing it deliberately, it's a bit. Yeah. I think that's kind of less yuck than you know this thing happening on friday where it gets out and not knowing how fiona was gonna respond to it and she's getting hate and stuff and when it's because of something that you do like you're in charge of it's not a good feeling no to go like she came on this and gave up her time and now she's getting grief yep because of

us essentially it's a pretty shitty feeling whereas if we had like conspired with her to came on this and gave up her time and now she's getting grief because of us, essentially, it's a pretty shitty feeling. Whereas if we had conspired with her to cook up a thing and then that's in there, we could all rejoice in it. I think we should start our own third party Drudge Report style website where we just pretend to be someone completely different. And the only stories that are on our website are from our podcast. Let's do it.

Honestly, let's get it up.'s our alias gonna be uh is it is this where we bring back um jeff kiev and peter warsaw oh head entertainment reporters yeah um it would it would it be like it's got to be some sort of play on TMZ. Yeah, okay. What does TMZ even stand for? I don't know. Now I'm going to have to look it up because someone will yell at us. Yeah, we'll get bombarded with messages. But yeah, what's a good entertainment reporter pseudonym?

Is there a way of having it be someone comedy or is that going to be two? That's probably two on the nose. Ah. You know what it means? I mean, I'm sure people are pulling their hair out and screaming at us at the moment. But TMZ stands for 30 Mile Zone around like Hollywood. Ah, okay. Yeah.

I don't know why that's a thing. Anyway, that's slightly weird. The 30 mile, it's the studio zone. Like all the studios are within a 30 mile zone. Right, okay, right. All the movie studios. I would never have guessed that. Yeah, that's such a weird thing.

So we should have a play on that if we're going to have this website. 30 mile on. Yeah. Maybe it's like how many miles it is from here to the West Gate. Yep, sure. Something like that. Yep.

We'll think about that. Well, let's work on that. Or we're open to suggestions on the social medias. Yeah, we'll get this. So we'll lay it out like all those. Do they still exist? We were talking about Perez Hilton on that episode with Josh and Fiona. Yeah.

Does that website still exist? Perez Hilton? Yeah. Yeah. Is he still doing it? He doesn't bully as much. He doesn't put all the sperm on people's faces. Because he got dragged for it pretty severely at one point.

But I think he would have crept back by now. Right. Yeah, he definitely still does it. You wouldn't. But I mean that format of that site where it's just like, if we just lay it out in the exact same way, and if we stage like some paparazzi shots of people like leaving my apartment after we've recorded. We just, because we always take the picture of ourselves straight out of the episode,

and then we just wait five seconds to take another one once their back's turned. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, and if he's not doing the sperm over everyone's faces we can bring that back then great yeah yeah imagine getting sued for that this sperm is my intellectual property yeah this is great i love this all right great i love this and then what you know also giving ourselves more work is always good as well and then it can tie into like once once we once we get the funny fellas up on the air and then that's fine, we're actual celebrities. Yeah.

Then it just becomes even easier. Then we're just literally – because no one knows that it's us running it. Yeah. We can just be reporting on ourselves. Great. Literally the inside scoop. Yeah. Great.

Awesome. All right. Yep. So that was good. Thank you to Fiona for putting up with all that sort of stuff. But then again, she said it, so whatever. What else? Any other bits and pieces we need to clear up this week?

Any Newcastle stuff? I don't think so. I think everything's been resolved. We've got a few studio episodes coming up our sleeves from now on. Nothing live for a while. We've got a few studio episodes coming up our sleeves from now on. Nothing live for a while. Oh, I should follow up on, because I did say on the app that I would do it,

and I did follow up on this, I did give Kappa the $50 for sending that text message. Good. Yeah, Kappa was in outstanding form there, so very fun. Yeah. Okay, well. Funny to be standing there giving money to a guy who's dressed like a lord. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Also funny that he got into that nightclub. Like I was talking about before, he got into that pub where there was bands and stuff.

And all these 18-year-old girls were like lining up to get in. And then when they got in, it was basically just this fucking 36-year-old man in a top hat. Like sitting there having a beer. And it's like, fuck, should we have lined up? Is this the right pub? Is this like a teenager pub to go to? Did he go there because he knew the band that was playing? No. Oh, okay.

He just heard that place was good. No, he just heard that place was open. Oh, right. Okay. We were just looking for somewhere at 11 o'clock at night on a Sunday night in Newcastle. Right. There wasn't a lot of options. Sunday night in Newcastle.

Right. It was a lot of options. But speaking of options, you have an option to give us money to make all this stupid stuff happen that we do every week. And plenty of you do do that. Thank you very much for that. A continued thank you. Thank you to everyone that does anything for us at all. We really appreciate it.

But particularly in money form. We have a middleman site. We use patreon.com and then we put a little slash and we put Little Dumb Dumb Club on the end of it. And that is a way to give us money and to keep this thing going and also very selfishly of you to get extra rewards. We've been doing some very cool and fun bonus episodes lately. Yep.

It's a way to get onto that. The latest one that is out by now is us going for a drive to the country and having a real pub crawl, but for bakeries and food and stuff like that. Yep. And we brought a couple of guests out with us. We brought Kappa himself and, oh no, yes, we did, Kappa. And Greg Larson. Yep.

And that was a very fun episode. You'll have heard that by now if you are a Patreon subscriber. Magazines, all that sort of stuff. And of course, the chance possibly to have your name read out on this show and immortalized. If there's one thing you want to get out of your life, is fame and notoriety. This is the way to do it. This is a real Hollywood walk of fame. This is the closest thing you have in Australia to that.

That's pretty accurate, yeah. This is like a sort of audio version of the stars. Yeah. Yeah. And by stars, we mean instead of making movies, you just give us $5. Yeah. But you're a star to us. Yeah, absolutely.

You're bankrolling our lavish lifestyles. Yeah, man. Burt Lancaster never gave me shit. Why does he need a star? All right, let's crack in. To keep things fair, we, of course, as every week, we have the unplanned title alternator here. Yep. A completely random number of completely random names are going to come out.

Yes, absolutely random. Well, not that random. I mean, all are going to come out. Absolutely random. Well, not that random. I mean, all of them give us money. It's not just anyone's name. No, no, no. Random from a selected pool of benefactors. Yeah, that would be a horrible fault in the system if we were just taking everyone's names and then going,

oh, well, you've got as much chance as someone in fucking Namibia. That would be an interesting way of doing it. Get the phone book and just leaf through. Yeah. And read out a name and then just go, any listeners? Yeah. Is this any of you? Surely I've talked about this on the show before, but very briefly.

That was a way of doing prank calls that we used to do in high school. Yeah. We would go through the phone book and then get the other person to ring a number without telling them what the person's name was. Yeah, yeah, and they'd have to find out. They'd have to find out. Get on the phone and go, who is this again? They're like, you rang me.

Yeah, but I forget. Is this my friend or is it? And they're like, no, this is Crapper Plumbing Services. Like, ah, you fucking idiot. That's good stuff. So, I'm letting Blanka hit the big red button this week. You're letting a child do this? Yeah.

Well, she's got to learn somehow. This is when she grows up and has her own podcast. It's good to get them in early. It's crazy to think that she's pushing the big red button before she's taken her first steps. Yes, absolutely. It's crazy to think that she's pushing the big red button before she's taken her first steps. Yes, absolutely. Actually, Milan, our friend Milan did give her a toy and she's been hitting the big red button on it actually. So let's see if she can hit it.

Is she going to hit the big red button, please? And then we can read a name out. Blank? All right. Just stick the whole thing in your mouth instead. Yeah, classic. That's cool. All right. Just stick the whole thing in your mouth instead. Yeah, classic. That's cool. All right.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber number one for this week, Reese Mellon. Fuck yeah. Yeah. You know what? I think last week, maybe a couple of weeks has been a little bit dry, but this is good.

Mellon. Yep. Reminds me of a certain thing that's on this instruction list that happened at 7.30am this morning. Yep. Reese Rice Cereal. That's right. Reese Melon.

God. That's great. What a life. I played soccer with a guy called Melon. Not first name. That would be particularly interesting. I don't mind Melon as a first name. That's pretty good.

Really? Yeah. Like, now whack a surname on the end of it. Melon Alsop. Do you still like it? I do. Really? I actually do.

Melon. Again, it would have to be a boy. I mean, for a girl, that's just so brutal. It has to be a do. Melon. I get it would have to be a boy. I mean, for a girl, that's just so brutal. It has to be a boy. Yeah. Melon. Don't you think? Melon.

No. If you heard that, if it wasn't an English word and you just heard it, you know, I think you'd think like, that's nice. That's nice sounding. Just phonetically. Melon. Yeah. I don't know.

I don't know. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying to empty my mind and think of it as just a sound. Yeah. But there's just too much connotation stuck to it. But why? I mean, there's not negative connotation. Melon's a fruit.

It's not like it's a bad thing. It's not like going, oh, yeah, the name crap. That's a good one. Yeah. There's nothing bad. It's sort of a funny word as well, though. It just sounds a bit funny. Uh-oh.

Oh, is she hitting the big red button? She just hit the big red button. Awesome. Bit late. Bit late for that. Yeah. That's... Oh, my God.

Oh, it makes all these... It's got all these little talking things. Yeah, yeah. That's pretty cool. Yeah. Reese Mellon. Yeah, weird. Good for you.. Yeah. Rhys Mellon. Yeah, weird. Good for you.

Good for you for sticking with it. I always think these people with slightly weird last names, you just go, when do you get to that stage of going, as soon as I grow up, I'm going to fucking change this thing? Yeah, but I mean, you're assessing that having just heard it, you know, out of the blue. Yeah. You know, who's to say anyone that didn't know you that just heard Carl Chandler?

Fucking hell. What's this guy doing? Sure. Why hasn't he changed it? Yeah. But it's not melon. Come on. You can't deny at some stage, this kid's grown up and gone, that's fine.

That's just what I know. Who cares? Whatever. But then he gets to school and then first day of school, he comes straight home and goes, why didn't anyone fucking tell me that melon is weird? Yeah. Why was my ancestor a big pair of tits? No, just one big tit.

Just one big tit. And that's what this kid thinks as well. He's only been taught. No one's even broken it to him that it's like a kid thinks as well. He's only been taught. He hasn't even... No one's even broken it to him that it's like a fruit at this stage. Yeah. Yeah. I think that of all the many wonderful slang terms for a woman's breast,

I think that melon might be my favourite. Yeah, it's pretty good. Melons is fucking awesome. It is pretty good because it's also... Like, a melon might be my favorite. Yeah, it's pretty good. Melons is fucking awesome. It is pretty good because it's also like a melon is a good thing. Yeah. So there's no negative connotations at all, really. Yeah. It's quite good for you.

Yeah. Yeah. In many ways. And it's big. Like there's not heaps of small melons. You know, all melons are of a decent size. So there's no insult wedged in there anyway. Yep.

Even the smallest melon is still a good size. It's a good thing. Yeah. It's like, do you want this small melon? Yeah. Sure. Yeah, that's still plenty. Still tastes good.

I couldn't even finish that. Yeah, totally. Still tastes good. Yeah. More than a handful. Yes. Even less than a handful is still good. Still good.

Still feels good in the hand, still tastes good. Yep. You know what? Hey, the worst day of fishing, still better than the best day in the office. Yes, right. Good. You know what? After this, I'm basically convinced that we shouldn't be able to get in trouble for walking

down the street and pointing at someone's chest and going, nice melons. Now, you've been campaigning for this for a long time. I've been waiting for an excuse to get in trouble for walking down the street and pointing at someone's chest and going, nice melons. Now, you've been campaigning for this for a long time. I've been waiting for an excuse to get this in. This has been a one-man crusade for many, many years now. Finally, I have a reason that sounds decent out loud. Yeah, great. All right. Well, that's done.

Let's get that through Congress. Right. And just a reminder that your young daughter is sitting next to you hearing all of this. She's... I think maybe I shouldn't... I think maybe I should have checked that toy before I just took it straight from Milan and gave it to my daughter

to stick in her mouth and hammer with her hands. But drenched in vodka. Yeah, yeah. No, it's all right. daughter to stick in her mouth and hammer with her hands. But drenched in vodka. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's all right. No, it was very nice of Milan. He brought gifts for my daughter and for my wife and nothing for me,

apart from the millions of gifts that he's bought over the years. Yeah, I was going to say. Fucking hell. Yeah. Apart from that. Great. Thanks, Rhys. And good luck. And, you know,

let us know on the socials what the most creative... Yeah, let us know what? Yeah. Let us know... Are you a fan of melons? Let us know what you've copped over the years.

And, you know, not boring ones. Give us your hottest takes. Give us the stuff that even you've gone, oh, right, not bad. It is a bit depressing sometimes when we do this and we go, oh, yeah, this person would have copped this at school.

And then they message us and go, not even the fucking eight-year-olds that I went to school with were as mentally challenged as the two of you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not everyone's like you. You've grown up fucking even older Billy Madisons. Yeah. Thanks, Rhys.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber number two for this week, David Sutton. See, there's a big red button being hit right there. Yeah, see? I don't know. Sutton. It all pales. Everything just feels like treading water after melon. This is going to be one of those weeks where we peak early.

Yep. It's a big drop down on the dais, isn't it? What was the first name again? Rhys. Oh, the first name of him, David Sutton. Oh, fucking hell. Yeah, not a lot. Not a lot to work with here. Oh, look, it's...

Very conventional name in David. It's a little bit harsh to get the money off people and then go back and say, well, you could have had a fucking better name but well i think it's fair you know we're the ones that have to work with it yeah you're you've gotten the show yeah you're you're paying money because you like this product yeah that's you know that's fine that's good for you you're happy whereas we're then this is now work for us yeah you know it's like we're coming in here and we're being given, it's like file this report and it's like some dog shit report.

That's a bad analogy. But it's like, this just makes our job harder. Yeah. You know what else makes my job harder is baby sitting on this fucking Milan's remote control musical sound effect machine. I will say very curious choice of toy gift. fucking Milan's remote control musical sound effect machine. But – I will say, very curious choice of toy gift. In what way?

It's very unconventional. You'd think you'd go with like some sort of stuffed animal or something like that to bring out a kind of a high-tech electronics item at such an early age. It's just – I don't know. I would think that's, I applaud it. It's going against the grain. I'm pretty happy because the packaging is all like for baby six months and up

and she's just a bit below six months. Yeah, great. And she's smashing it already. She's ahead of the curve. Yeah, she knows how to push the button. Yeah, she knows how to sit on the remote control and make it work. Yep. Pretty cool.

I think she's a genius. Right. Oh, wow. Her first words. If you heard that at home, she just hit a button that said, I love you after me paying tribute to her intelligence. So thank you very much, Blanket. Oh, what if she's mute and this is just how she has to communicate?

Oh, this is full Stephen Hawking. Wow. A brief history of my dad being a bit of a cunt. Yeah. Not. Ah, yes. I wouldn't say that's going to be brief, but anyway. And she is sort of in essentially a wheelchair at the moment.

Yes. She does. I do have to feed her. She dribbles a lot. And she is sort of in essentially a wheelchair at the moment. Yes. I do have to feed her. She dribbles a lot. She shits her pants, of which she's probably done already. And we're doing this instead of me changing her. But, hey, that just shows my true first love is the listeners at home. Podcasting, yeah.

Rather than my own flesh and blood. Yeah. Boy, I certainly hope we have no listeners from child services. Just this being played in court as they're taking your kid away from you. Also, I don't know what reason my wife has started listening to this a lot more recently. A lot more, really? Yes. I know she listened to one.

No, she's listened to like three in a row or something now. Oh, really? Yeah. Because I was here the other day and she was like, yeah, I'll listen to this one. I was listening to this one with Fiona and I really liked it. And then I listened to this other one where you're all giving each other so much shit. And then she looks at you and she goes, why have you got to be like that? No, she listened to Ronny Chieng.

That's the big problem. Yeah. So, David Sutton. If not being into that kind of stuff, she couldn't have picked a worse one to listen to. Absolutely. David Sutton, Sutto. Sutto. Well, thanks, Sutto.

Yeah. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. It's a real bloody menagerie in here this morning. Yeah, now the cat's getting involved. Cat's involved. It's a fucking nightmare. This is the worry. You know what?

Baby toys and cat toys are very similar. So the baby, you know, little blanket will grab a toy and start shaking it around. Then the cat will just go, I want a fucking piece of that. Like, Jesus Christ. This is, yeah, there's a rivalry going on. There's too much going on in here at the moment. Yeah. I'm exhausted. I'm over, I'm absolutely overstimulated today.

Right, right. I'm going to need a nap when I get home. I'll give you some of at the moment. Yeah. I'm exhausted. I'm absolutely overstimulated today. You're right. I'm going to need a nap when I get home. I'll give you some of the toys later. Great. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Clark Wilson. Hmm. I like Clark. Do you?

Yeah. As a first name, I'm into it. It's certainly a name that's been owned and tarred forever in a, you know, negative or positive way by Clark Kent. You can't possibly have the name Clark without that being brought up to you, you know, once a day, I reckon. You reckon once a day? Well, let us know, Chief. Yeah.

Out there. Not at home. Like, your mum and dad aren't going to be coming up going, when are you going to get in a fucking phone box and turn into Superman, you dickhead? Be sick if they were, though. That's very good. You deciding the child's name. Yeah.

Just so you can make the same shit joke every day. That has to have happened. Yeah. That's a wasted opportunity for me to have a baby. Oh, yeah. It's your bloody kryptonite, isn't it, cunt? Yeah. That'd be good.

If I just had a kid and called it, you know, like, Alf or something. Yeah. And just every day, oh, when are you going to get in your fucking spaceship and fuck off home, hey? Alf. Well, you've got Crunchy running around. You'd be like, ah, bloody, don't eat her. Oh, yeah, that's not bad.

Yeah. I don't think she really gets those jokes, though. Blanket. I mean, there's nothing to be made fun of with a name like Blanket, so I've really spoiled that. There is. I mean, your child's actual name, there is a big pop cultural thing connected to that.

Oh, there's a couple, actually. Hey, Blanket's a real name. I don't know what you're talking about. Yeah, Michael Jackson. Oh, yeah. He used to sleep with... That's funny. He had a kid called Blanket. I was going to say, because he used to sleep with that's funny he had a kid called blanket i was gonna say oh because he used to

sleep with a blanket on but like that's probably literally also true yeah right oh right i see yeah in two ways you should have um gone with the aussie version and called your kid doona oh yeah yeah um but what if you were going to, like we were just saying, picking, say you're a huge Superman fan and so you picked that first name Clark, purely so you can be making Superman jokes at your kid. If you were going to have done that, what would you have picked? What would be your big,

I'm going to just be a fucking idiot and name it after a cultural thing that I like? That you like, not so much that you make fun out of. Well, a bit of well bit of both something that i mean you've got to sort of like it a bit if it's gonna you know this is your child it's gonna have that name you don't name it after something that you hate but also that you'd be able to then have the fun of going hey i've got i've got a mate that did name his kid elvis really yeah that's. Which I think's a bit much. Yeah. And I think he – look, I don't have the full story behind it, but I don't think he, like, loved Elvis, honestly. I think he was like, oh, that's cool.

That's pretty cool. Like, oh, that's a big bear to take for the rest of your life. It's a shame because I do think that Elvis is a good name. Yeah. But it's like you can't ever call a kid that now because it's like it's just so intrinsically linked to – like, yeah, everyone is going to think, oh, your parents just loved the king. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I actually think – and very weirdly, i think his parents were sort of into

that sort of stuff and then he wasn't and he thought it was a bit daggy and then all of a sudden he has a kid going oh i'll just whack that name on there uh oh so your friend who called the kid elvis his parents were in there yeah right okay i think interesting yeah so well i mean maybe then it's just a tribute to the grandparents i I guess, which is kind of nice, but it still is. That'd be funny if you just, every time you copped it, oh, Elvis, like, and he's like, what? You know, like Elvis Presley. Oh, I don't even think of that.

It was just in a baby name book. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Just like, I don't, you know, I'm not really into that, that much into pop culture. I'm not that much into music. So I didn't really think of that. You know, you meet those people that say i'm not into music yeah hey blanket sorry i'm trying to mic up blanket at the moment i don't think it's gonna work and she's pushing the microphone away oh no she's grabbed it let her I'm trying to get her to make a noise.

I don't think it's going to happen. There you go. There's a little bit. There you go. Fucking hell. That's something. People are going to go out of their minds over that. In a good or a bad way?

In a fine way. Yeah. Okay. All right. Well, she's on mic now. Congratulations, everyone. Part of the canon. Yep. Officially part of the canon. Yep.

Officially part of the universe. Yep. Great. Yeah. Elvis. Yeah, bad name. I don't know. I don't know.

What would you... Look, you've gone on record as saying that you're not really into the idea of having a child, but surely you've come across some names that have been like, that would be a good use in case something happened. That would be, I'll keep that up my sleeve just in case. Yeah, I can't really think off the top of my head. I mean, there's just definitely been names that have come up on here that I've been like, oh, that's one that would probably be in the mix.

But I'm so far away from thinking about it or wanting it that it's, yes, actually, that it's – Yes, actually. That it's just not, you know, it's not at the forefront of my brain in any way whatsoever. That's what I should have done. I should have, like, you know, my wife bought a baby naming book. I should have just gone through the Patreon list. Yeah. Use that.

Yeah. The modern baby naming book. Yeah. Just use the UTA. Yeah. The modern baby naming book. Yeah. Just use the UTA. Yeah. Just keep hitting the big red button until something good came out. I wonder if there's any listeners out there that are expecting a kid that would perhaps consider, if you put a list of every name that we've read out on this,

consider naming your kid after a previous Patreon supporter of the show. Maybe I might do that. Maybe I'll do that on the socials and just get rid of the last names and just put all the first names on there. Yeah, the Talking Dumb Dumb Baby Naming Book. Yeah. Okay, great. Great.

Great. Love this. I'll do that this week. I'll put it on the socials. Jesus Christ. I'll ask who's expecting, who's looking at names. There'll be a few. I'll ask who's expecting, who's looking at names.

There'll be a few. I'll put them all there and then I'll see if even one person can use it. Yeah. That would be great. Incredible. If we got one baby named after another listener. A Patreon subscriber. That gave us money.

Yes. That's good. Incredible. And incredible, what an honour for that person as well. It's such a good story too because it's like with my name, Carl, it's like when people ask my mum, it's like, oh, you know, we had a doctor as we were going through the pregnancy and whatever and his name was Carl and we thought that's a good name and, you know, it's a nice thing.

It's involved in the birth and everything like that. Carl. Whereas this person is like, how did you get your kid's name? Mr Comedy. Well, it's very modern. Well, it's a podcast. Oh, what? Did he host the podcast? Your kid's name, Mr. Comedy. It's very modern. Well, it's a podcast. Oh, what?

Did he host the podcast? No. Was he a guest on the podcast? No. He was just a person who gave that podcast $69 one time. Yeah, especially if it's like the person having the kid doesn't support the Patreon. Yeah. That's very funny. They're getting it for free and then they're

naming their child after someone who pays money yes that's great yeah great all right we'll get that in place yep uh thanks clark thank you too i hope we earn the copyright on all this music that's being played in the background or whether it's being picked up at all i don't know um i hope this i was about What's the fucking... What's the famous kid's toy brand? I went to say it in the net the other week and someone corrected me because I said Fisher and Paykel.

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's quite good. Fisher Price. What is it? Fisher Price. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fisher Price. I know.

I think that happened the other week and I did hear that and went, that's not right, but we pushed on. Thanks, Clark. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Joshua Wall. This is such a shame because this is the most she's used this toy, which I'm very happy with,

but it's annoying the fuck out of me. Yeah, and you're right next to it. It's very distracting. I kind of keep pausing going like, oh, I guess people can hear it. I'm actually, I've got no idea if it's being picked up on the mic. Yeah. And now she just whacked herself in the head with it and she's not that happy about it. Yeah, that's fair.

Yeah. Sorry. Sorry, little blanket. It could just be. It could just be a reaction to the content that she's hearing as well. All right. I think she's actually going to have to sit on my lap for this next bit. I think she's a bit over doing this.

She's off it. Yep. Joshua Wall. Joshua Wall. Now, this is an interesting one. I mean, in many ways, yeah, this is a wall. We've hit a brick wall here. This feels like I'm the Wile E. Coyote just face-planting into a big old brick wall of content.

Jesus. How's the remote still going? I don't know. This is the prank call-proof family. This is when you ring up and go, Huh, is there any walls here? Yes, there's actually plenty of them. There's four?

Yeah. Oh, okay. All right, well, I guess you won't be needing any help with the roof or anything. Yeah. Thank you. You'd be, well, you might need help with the roof. That's where you'd get them.

Right. What about the roof? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Joshy Wall. Joshy Wall. Yeah, this one's boring. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Joshy Wall. Joshy Wall. Yeah, this one's boring.

Oh, really? Yeah. Is Clark Wilson. Clark Wilson. There's David Sutton. Those two, you got nothing. But Wall. David Sutton's pretty bad.

Wall. Come on. What are you? You call yourself the Great Wall? Probably. Yeah, he would have done that. Yeah. I guess it is.

It's kind of bully proof, I guess. Because you've always got that as a comeback yeah you go to the gym build a wall i'm building a wall is that something what do you mean building yeah like you like bulking up body building yeah yeah yeah you'd say like you know the great wall of china is visible from space oh yeah yeah yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, this grey wall is visible from space as well. Exactly. Motioning down. Exactly. Yeah.

And a lot of Chinese girls have been on it too. Fuck me. People from all around the world have been on it. It's not just the Chinese. Well, it's in China. I think that's very fair to say. I also know that saying that is not as good when I have a baby on my knee like I do at the moment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not so ideal.

What's the – how long – have you read up on this or is this a thing? Like at what age are you going to have to stop carrying on in the way that you carry on around her? Do you really have to start watching, you know? What you say? Yeah. Oh, I really haven't thought of that at all yeah but clearly yeah but i'm not podcasting every day with her no you know i'm i talk normal to my wife she's a normal person she's not like this yeah you know i can't get away

with talking absolutely insanely to her she just goes why you why would you say those things and is that hard do you feel like you're really putting on the mask when you do interactions with her? Well, it's, you know what it's like. It's like talking to your parents sometimes, you know. Like, she's great, but she's a normal person. So I know I'm not going to get the same reaction. She's not going to enjoy the sort of rot that we talk about. Yeah, yeah.

You can be funny, but you can't be too fucked. Yeah. Yeah. So that's good. I like being not completely fucked in the head sometimes. rot that we talk about yeah yeah you can be funny but you can you can't be too fucked yeah yeah so that's that's good i like being not completely fucked in the head sometimes it's a nice little challenge do a um do a do a reverse one day just have a have a week where when you're around us you act like you do with your wife right and then just give your wife both barrels around the house. I think I'd lose all of you. I'd enjoy a bit of reprieve. Yeah, yeah, right.

Yeah. I'll talk to you the way I talk to Little Blanket. Yeah. Yeah. Do you not already? No. I'd do the full baby talk. Hey.

Yeah. I won't give full quotations. You've got to talk to a baby like you, you know, baby talk. You can't help it. It's just inside you, isn't it? Yeah. I won't give full quotations, but you've got to talk to a baby like you, you know, baby talk. You can't help it. It's just inside you, isn't it? Yeah. You can't just talk normally to them. Yeah. I had a dog in my house for a couple of hours on the weekend.

I found a stray dog just running around. In your house? No, I found him running down the street without a tag on. So I took him to my house, gave him some water. He was pretty dirty. And I had to call a vet to take him there to try and work out what to do. And it was awesome. It was just all that of just having something inside the house where you're just like,

ah, what are we doing now? And just like then I've got him in the car. I'm driving him down the street. I'm like, this is a bit of all right, isn't it? And it was only maybe an hour and a half all up that the dog was in my life and then i take him to the vet and then i just get back in the car i'm like what now yeah it was really deflating like i nearly cried when they took it like the vet just takes him you're right and like takes him into a back room and i'm like don't i get to like yeah say goodbye yeah and then i'm like they take down my details and

i'm like oh can you get the council to like call me and let me know what happens to him and they're like no yeah yeah yeah oh yeah

yeah so I think I'm gonna call the lost dogs home and see see if he's alright see what happened to him see if they found an owner yeah go down

and have a look because they'll all be in the cages for want of a better word or whatever you can go and probably just pretend you're gonna get one

and then just go and say hello to them well yeah then I'm like so what happens now? And they're like, well, we'll see if he's got a chip. And if not, he goes to the lost dog's home and the owners have a week to come forward. Oh. And you're just there going like, oh, well, have a good Saturday night. Jeez, a week.

Yeah. That is rough. Yeah, but I mean, you know, if you've lost your dog. Yeah. A week's, I guess, you know, if you're not coming forward in a week, what are you doing? I'm not really thinking of the owner as much as I am the dog. No, I know. Of course, it's brutal.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, if the bloke is so careless enough to lose you to start with, doesn't then get his ass together and fix his whole game up inside seven days. This is your problem, man. Just putting it off. I really should go down there. I think you'll be okay, though, because he did have a collar on.

He had a nice little collar on, but just no tag on it. Okay. So, yeah, presumably, yeah, someone's going to come forward, I hope. Anyway, thanks, Josh. Right. All right. Final one for this week because I really, you know, I've got to get back onto this list of what to do with this child of mine.

It's either nappy change time or that smell is just coming from this podcast, which it could be either. Yeah. Could be absolutely either. Pretty fair. All right. Let's do one more. Okay.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber. Oh, wow. This is weird. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Fido Comedy. I think this might be the dog that you – Oh, really? Yeah. That's his name.

Yeah. Right, so he's... So when did this subscription come through? Oh, just a matter of days ago by the look of it. A matter of days ago. Yeah. Right, so he's been what presumably returned to the owner and gotten on their computer and chipping in money?

To say thank you for you looking after him, I guess. Right. And what is me looking after a stray dog worth? Tell you what, it's over 50. Really? Yeah, it's under 100. It's over 50 but under 100. Yeah.

That's pretty fair. I mean, I gave him a bit of water. Oh, what's a life worth? What's a life worth? Yeah, exactly. Apparently $69. Yeah. Yeah, we had a good time? Hmm? What's a life worth? Yeah, exactly. Apparently $69. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, we had a good time. We had a bit of fun. Right. Good. Grow up. Tell me you fucked a dog. Great stuff. Awesome.

Oh, well, thanks, Fido. Yep. Thanks, Fido Comedy. And yeah, just to put it into your terms, woof, woof. Yeah. Is that my terms? No, I'm talking to the dog. Oh, okay. Because we're your terms, woof woof. Yeah. Is that my terms? No, I'm talking to the dog. Oh, okay.

Because we're saying this, he probably can't understand. Okay, of course. So I was trying to communicate directly to him. I'll just leave this space where I'll, let's edit in a dog whistle that says that. A very high frequency. Yeah. And there you go. There you go.

That was for you, Fido. Well, thanks Fido. And thanks everyone else who contributes to the Little Dumb Dumb Club Patreon every month. We really appreciate it. If you want to do that, get onto the internet. Get some bonus content in your inbox every month. Magazine episode. And also join the little private Facebook group we have just for the contributors, just for the Patreon subscribers.

It's a little millionaire club, as we call it in there. We try and put a few little different bits in there, bits and pieces as well, in the never-ending hunt for content. Yep. LittleDumbDumbClub.com for links to all the tickets and stuff that we have coming up. Guys, thanks very much for listening, and we'll see you next time. See you, mates.