The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 462 - Joel Creasey & Myf Warhurst

Episode Date: August 14, 2019

This week, we get a glimpse of how the other half lives by recording next to the elevator in JOEL CREASEY's house! We're also joined by MYF WARHURST to chat about her and Joel's recent trip to Eurovision and, more importantly, what McDonalds tastes like in other countries. We also get into a bit of fitness chat and get the full scoop on Tommy's recent trip to Sydney to run in the City To Surf! PLUS some surprising special guest stars in Talking Dum Dum!PERTH! We're coming back with our yearly massive show. October 13, 4pm.HOBART! We're heading down for the first time for a live show in a small venue. November 23, 5pm.We've also added a stand-up show in the same venue at 3pm.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Joel Creasy and Miff Warhurst. We have a couple of live things coming up that we need to let you know about. We have Perth, October the 13th, that is all sold out. Hope you got a ticket to that. We are then down in Hobart, November the 23rd for a big live stand-up show, 3pm. Get your tickets now, it's been on sale for one week. And then we have the big live podcast after that that is sold out.

Suckers. LittleDumbDumbClub.com for tickets to all of that kind of stuff. Links to our Patreon. All that kind of business. We'll see you at the end of the episode to chat to you a little bit more in our famous Talking Dumb Dumb segment. But until then, enjoy this new episode with Joel Creasy

and Miff Warhurst. Hi, everyone. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo, and with me, as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. Go dickhead. I wish I hadn't done that intro so slow because the guests have already told us, hurry up and get on with it.

So the number one guest over here was like saying, you don't talk for too long beforehand, do you? So we have to get in. Oh my God. We have to get stuck right in, so please. Let's spend a bit more time going through this interaction that we had before we went And that wasn't me who said that, by the way. Right, right, right.

Whoever that is. Joining us on the show today, Joel Creasy and Miff Warhurst. Oh, finally, finally. That was 58 seconds. You'll be getting a call from my agent tomorrow. We are doing it in Casa del Creasy here. We're guests here. This is – if we do sound a bit fatigued, it's because we did take the tour,

which took an hour or two. And apologies to the listeners for the echo of our voices booming around the Taj Mahal that we're currently sitting in. We are in something that approaches the Melbourne Art Gallery, the National Art Gallery at the moment. Man, fucking hell. Look, you know what? I always thought us doing a podcast is going all right,

but you know what? Maybe doing TV might be slightly better, I reckon. And also, I'm so lazy. And not at the ABC either I said come here I'll do the podcast if you can come to me

and this has worked out well so thank you for coming to my home absolutely like you know we were in your bathroom before it's like that takes us back to where we live in a one bedroom flat

rather than whatever the fuck this place is I was looking around I was like this guy's Patreon must be going great I mean I did do 10 years in the Docklands. I feel like I've done my time in the chorus.

That was a hard 10 years in the Docklands. Yeah, describe the Docklands for any of our interstate international listeners. It's what Melbourne, you know, kind of want a Darling Harbour, they want a Darling Harbour type, you know, vibe, you know, the water there, right in the middle of the city, restaurants. Instead, it's a couple of shitty towers, no cafes. They've all shut down. It's just – it's a –

It's a rare – It's a wind tunnel, isn't it? It's a wind tunnel. It's a wind tunnel. And that's where, of course, the famous wheel that broke. Yes. The wheel that broke in the – Like the London Eye.

Yeah, just like the London Eye but with a view of Footscray or me in my apartment watching Downton Abbey. And DFO, Direct Factory Outlets. It was a really hot place to live. It's a rare example of someone fucking up living next to the water, I think. Absolutely. You don't do that very often, do you? And it is actually quite gorgeous. There's plenty to do there.

Eddie had, oh, sorry, Marvel Stadium there. Like, it makes sense. Is that why you moved out? The nerds are taking over. No, thank you. No, I moved out because I hated it. I hated it. And also, the local cafe that I went to every single day

could never remember my name or my coffee order. I went there every day for ten years. And if I'd go there two days in a row, they'd, like, roll their eyes. They'd be like, oh, loser. Great, great. Now, you're in this magnificent place. I don't know if we can mention the suburb. Can we mention the suburb?

Yeah, it's Northside. Northside, right, okay. That's not a suburb, but anyway. It's like the epitome of hipster Northside, apart from Brunswick. Right. Which is where I am. Of course I'm in Brunswick. I work at the ABC.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You are the mayor of Brunswick. I am the mayor of Brunswick. I like it. I've never lived over that side. So that's where everyone in comedy lives, basically, yeah, yeah. You are the mayor of Brunswick. I am the mayor of Brunswick. I like it. I've never lived over that side. So that's where everyone in comedy lives, basically, over that side. Yeah. I've never done it.

And every time I've ever driven past there with my wife, I'm like, maybe we could live here and she has genuine anxiety attacks about it because it's more than two kilometres from her mum's house. So I've never got the full opportunity of the bohemian comedy lifestyle of being over in Brunswick Fitzroy. I'm pretty sure where I live, it's where the least vaccinated children in the entire state exist. And the primary school in particular, right around the corner, was the one where the measles outbreak happened.

Right, oh no. So if you see kids with spots, you know you're getting close to Miff's house. That's right, you're close. Why don't you just rent somewhere in Brunswick, Carl? Just have like an off-site man cave. It's just like a 30-minute drive from your house. You are someone that would have a man cave. No, come on.

What would be in your man cave? No. My man cave would be a lot of pictures of Christina Aguilera. Your man cave would be just full of men. That's called Pooftool. Or your house on a Friday night. Oh, yeah, it's true, this Friday, actually. Oh, well, that's it.

We've been here over the tour before the podcast and we've just been hearing details of the big party that you guys were here at that we absolutely weren't invited to and it sounded magnificent. It sounded like a lot of fun. And I just told you about the party without even... Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to. It was none of that.

Honestly, respect. I just gave your highlights the party without even going, oh, sorry, I didn't mean to. It was none of that. Honestly, respect. I just gave your highlights. Yes. No, you know what? That's what I really respect about you, Joel Creasy, is that we deal with each other in comedy all the time and at no stage do you even pretend to like comedy or enjoy comedy. And sometimes I'll hear someone go,

oh, Creasy, he's not even into comedy. And I'm like, yeah, but that's great. I love it. He just comes in, does the job on stage, kills it, and then goes, fuck this. I'm out of here. I don't care what you've got to say. I love doing it. I don't love watching it.

I love watching serious, boring theatre. But I love my time on stage. And I'm very good at stretching it out. When you say 20, I hear 40. You honestly are. I wouldn't time on stage. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And I'm very good at stretching it out. When you say 20, I hear 40. You honestly are. I wouldn't have picked that. I've got a big list of people that go way over time on stage and you are not on it.

Really? Yeah. I couldn't possibly name anyone that's on that list, Limo, Dave Thorne, but I wish I could. I wish I could. Hey, if you like serious, boring theatre, you should come and check out one of my shows. It's on my list.

That's the comedian for you. It's on my list. That's the comedian for you. It is on my list, yeah. We've been talking a lot about Koh Samui on the show because we just came back a few months ago or whatever. Now, Miff, we did, we never said this, but we invited your podcast to come over. But unfortunately, you had better things to do, which was basically anything. Well, I think it came very close to Eurovision, which is a job I do with Joel. And this year we went... That's a job I do enjoy doing.

Yeah. It's not comedy. It's not comedy. Anyone being funny in their song, you're just switching off. Yeah, according to Twitter, when I'm talking, it's not comedy. Oh, Joel. You're wonderful. You obviously both really enjoy Eurovision.

Now, that's the reason I think me and Tommy enjoy comedy is what you probably enjoy in Eurovision, which is just the weird acts. Yes, I love it. That's like us watching comedy. Oh, yeah, yeah. For the absolutely berserk, insane open micers. Right.

You just happen to enjoy that in the music hemisphere rather than the comedy. Yeah, absolutely. Well, that's the thing. For me, it's like it's extended what I do normally because I've dealt with music for most of my career and this has just like turned up to 11 and even more nuts and more crazy. Although I feel like they're getting a bit safe at Eurovision.

I feel like Australia needs to send a comedy act this year. I think we should send Kath and Kim. You reckon? Oh my God, that Diamante G-string that Kimmy could wear. I think if we were to win Eurovision, because no country ever wants to win Eurovision twice because it's very expensive to put on. So it would be like hosting the Olympics two years in a row.

Because I don't really know much about Eurovision. So if you win it, you host it the next year. You host it the next year, you pay for it. Carry over champ. So a lot of countries don't want to win. So they'll put in shitty acts on purpose. Oh, is that a thing? Absolutely.

San Marino, population of 35,000, cannot afford Eurovision. So if you are in San Marino and the competition is being held in San Marino and then you get picked as the entry for San Marino defending the title, you know that you're no good. You're really shit. Great. That's why I think if Australia wins Eurovision and we were to host it, we enter Kath and Kim as a novelty act because everyone gets to see Kath and Kim, but they're not going to win.

Right. But they might, though. You never know. They are quite loved. I feel like the environment is ripe for a comedy act. It's been so serious for the last couple of years. Now, explain very quickly, very quickly, because I don't know heaps about it,

and I'm sure there's people that listen that don't know everything about it, especially overseas people in America, stuff like that. Now, Eurovision, look, what's the appeal of it? It's all the countries in Europe that are sending their best performers slash songs but they're not really? Well, it's technically a song competition. Best is a loose definition.

Yes, and it's a song competition which we always forget. Yeah, that's right. But no one votes based on the song. Right, you're voting on the... The spectacle, the performance, that kind of thing. And because it is taken so seriously, there's a little lack of irony, I think, which adds to the joy for me. Yes.

You know, it's very serious. When they're wearing a white dress and belting out a power ballad and there's a wind machine going through their hair, they're deadly serious. And that's why better. You don't want, like, a wink to the camera. You want, like, something insane and they don't know they're insane. A couple of years ago, the dude from Croatia sang an opera number to himself.

So he had images of himself projected onto the screen and he sang to himself. And then his costume was half, was like down the middle, it was half and half. So one half was a tux and the other half was like more casual. A leather jacket. So like from daytime to nighttime. And he could flip side to side while he sang to himself.

Oh, I love that. Did he have like half a beard, that whole thing? Absolutely. And he was deadly serious. He did not get any jokes that we were making with him. He did not laugh and won IOTA and he was deadly serious. He did not get any jokes that we were making with him. He did not laugh and won IOTA and he was deadly serious and that to me was just the most joyful performance of all. So in what you were saying before about how countries will send someone

to deliberately try and lose it so they don't have to host it, so where does he fall on the scale? Is he trying to win? Is he going for it or is he like one that's been put in like this ridiculous half suit man isn't going to win? Is he going for it? Or is he like one that's been put in like this ridiculous half suit man isn't going to win? Because the artist and their reps want to win. So even if the country are sending a dud act in the hope they don't win,

the artist wants to win. They don't know the dud act. It's like a war. They're sending someone on the front line. That guy on the front line is thinking, yeah, maybe I can beat this whole country. And the generals are going, there's no fucking chance. This is not happening. But Australia wants to's no fucking chance. This is happening.

Right. But Australia wants to win. We play. We want it. And that's why we're quite well liked. Because we, like Sweden, like, I was going to say the UK, but that's not correct. They never send very good acts. But like Sweden and like Italy, we always send really top quality acts. But they won't, like, it's got to be rigged in some form.

You can't have the Eurovision and the winner is a country that's not in Europe. Well, it was in Israel. Oh, okay. Yeah, and they've been in for about ten years and no longer than that. No, they've won four times now. Three times, I think, yeah. Either way, we'll get it wrong and we'll get slammed for it. Yeah, we'll get slammed for it.

But they've been in, and Azerbaijan as well. That's another country that's not in Europe. So, they're really loose. I think it's about who can afford to be in it and if they want to be in it and there's a lot of block voting like Cyprus always vote for Greece Greece always vote for Cyprus

the Eastern Bloc always vote together Sweden and UK often vote together well that means that we don't have a big chance because we can't get New Zealand to vote with us because me and Miff have to be so nice to every country and then the other thing as well is we stand around backstage at Eurovision waiting to interview these artists, some of them huge, like some of them huge stars in their countries

or huge stars in Europe. Others have just gotten together for Eurovision and they're often the worst. Like I interviewed this band from Latvia this year. They could not have rolled their eyes at me more, been ruder, not laughed at any of my jokes. Fair enough, I get that. I looked them up on Instagram.

They had like 70 followers. Right. Nice. And I stood outside their dressing room. Latvia do not want to host Eurovision. Latvia are not hosting Eurovision this year. And I stood outside their dressing room for like two hours. I know.

They made you wait. I remember that. They make us all wait. And that's good. Look, they get their three weeks of absolute notoriety and then it's just over. You just start unfollowing them on Instagram. It's so harsh.

I'm so harsh now. I'm like, oh, no. Maybe this is a good opportunity. So a couple of weeks on this show, finally we got some sort of semblance of fame. We were all through the news, news.com and Daily Mail and whatever because Fiona Lachlan teed off about the Irwins. Well, you know, if you want to get in the paper this week,

maybe if you want to tee off on Latvia. On Latvia, yeah. I can't even remember what they were called, the band, but they rolled their eyes and I was furious. There's no Serbian bands that you want to call out right here. No, Serbia are always very good at Eurovision. They always enter an act that looks like Sonja Kruger every year. Do you remember this?

When we did our show, Carl, in Belgrade a few months ago and we had a guy in the room who was like, I played guitar with the girl that won Eurovision for Serbia. Yeah, we were joking and going, has anyone here ever won Eurovision? And this guy's like, me. Me? Really?

No way. Yes. Yeah, yeah, but then we go down the line but then wasn't the end of the story. He's like, well, I've started playing guitar with her life Since she won Right, yeah I think it was like

That's not it You're not in Eurovision That doesn't count You prick No, she just hired a better guitarist She could afford a better guitarist Right And then she came back

And had to do a Yeah Industry standard kind of thing It's so much fun It's so gay as well Eurovision I mean, it's just I mean, I always have a blast.

It's very camp. It does look like such a fun job that you guys have. Yeah, we have a good time. And we're in this tiny little, like two metre by one metre commentary box and you've got Russia on one side of you and their commentators are Tattoo. Remember Tattoo? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. The fake lesbians.

The fake lesbians. They're on one side of us. We've got Graham Norton on the other side of us. So it is all very exciting. We're in this commentary box that are rigged just for Eurovision and when the crowd are really dancing to a song, those commentary boxes are wobbling. The only thing that kind of makes me feel safe is they wouldn't kill Graham Norton.

I've got to say, though, I've been up there and just thought this could go down in a second it's pretty temporary it's not like when you go to say the MCG you're in a footy box and they serve you pies and whatever you're lucky to be able to go to the toilet during a five hour broadcast

he's seven stories up in scaffolding and it's like as hot as hay it is in there because all the heat from the crowd is coming up and it's just insane. And you come out of it, you feel like you've been through some sort of battle zone or something. And I don't mind me telling this, but if your country wins,

a commentator from that country, that country's commentator, runs on stage and interviews the act. And Miff and I have a deal that if Australia were to ever win, it'll be me that runs on stage to interview the act. Because we are so high, Miff purely cannot get there in time. I just can't. Like, it's terrifying up there for me. If only they had there, what you have in your house right here,

a fucking elevator. It's a very slow elevator, though. How did we talk about the Grand Tour and not mention the elevator? I know. Joel has an elevator in his house. We were sitting here and I was making, I had my back to the elevator and I was making a joke like oh you should knock out the stairs and put an escalator in and then you were like

there's literally a lift behind you. You can't make jokes about this house. Before you were talking and I got distracted staring at my elevator. It was great because you've given us a tour, the big tour of the house and it's a massive house and then you end the tour by going check this out, my elevator and then we all pile into an elevator built for two people and there's three of us.

You're like, this is not the way to end a good tour, I reckon, just to be stuck inside. Should we go up? Do you think I should start the tour by going up in the elevator? Okay, I'll do that in the future. Is that for the previous tenant who was like an overweight old man with gout or something? No one's ever lived in here.

No one's ever lived. Or maybe that's what I'm expected to become. That's what's going to happen to you. Believe me, it's not built for an overweight person. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. It is a tiny element. It's a small one.

But, you know, we were just, we were hearing about all the party. Miff, you were talking about, what was there, 500 cheeseburgers being delivered here to the party? A hundred, not five hundred. It's a hundred. He's not a pig. Five hundred. Do you know what my friends were?

The man with the lift up to his bedroom isn't a slob. My friends are all gays. They were just for show. Really? No one ate them. No one ate them. Really? I loved it though.

It was a very you touch because you and I both bonded over McDonald's. Yes. Because we got thrown together on working on Eurovision. We hadn't really worked together before. No, we knew of each other. Yeah, and then we were away and we found ourselves in Kiev and we were just kind of trying to work

out what each was about. We had a very rough first night on the job at Eurovision. None of our tech stuff worked, so Australia wasn't hearing us. We can relate. I hope you've hit record. We were very stressed. So the next day we went for we were like, let's go and find some deep fried junk.

And Miff was like, yeah, I'd love that. I'm like, oh, this is someone else that loves crap food like me. So we went and found. I found the one person who likes McDonald's. None of my homo friends want it. And we went to this place called Star Burger, which is a, I think it's a Ukrainian burger joint. Burger chain. It was awful, but we loved it.

Kind of like grilled, but food. No, it's nothing like grilled. It was terribly unhealthy. It's a lot crapp. Burger chain. It was awful, but we loved it. Kind of like grilled, but... No, it's nothing like grilled. It was terribly unhealthy. It's a lot crappier than grilled. Yeah, heaps crappier. But now we thought about, because we were getting quite a lot of interesting feedback online, we thought about just staying in Ukraine

and opening our own Star Burger franchise. Right. But I also, when Joel went to McDonald's, I actually genuinely, seriously asked him what the burger was like. And you could tell by my sincerity that I was really into it. How come you didn't get one? It was too far to walk. You had to cross the freeway, remember?

Right, right, right. You had to cross the freeway. I risked my life for a cheeseburger. I was like, no, tell me. They always taste different in every city. What did it taste like? No, no, but totally. I mean, that's the economic sort of scale, isn't it?

People always judge the economy in each country by how much a Big Mac is. So it's definitely a thing that whenever you go, I am tempted. You know what? I've been to Thailand like 15 times now, and I'm always looking at the McDonald's. I always look at the menu, but I never eat it. Why not? Because I can't bring myself to eat McDonald's when I'm in Thailand. When you have some of the best flavours in the world.

Exactly. I can't bring myself to it. Can you imagine their spicy burger? Oh, man. Now I should fucking go. I should go. Like at the airport at least. No.

I have maccas in every country I go to. Well, we stopped at the airport when we went away on holidays after Eurovision this year. Oh, my God. We almost missed our flight. We almost missed our flight because Joel had to get maccas in... We were in Sicily. In Sicily. Oh, my God.

Yeah. That's nearly worse than Thailand. But we were at the airport, Maccas, and they were taking their time. On the way home, no. Not on the way home. On the way home. No, we were on our way to a holiday in Italy. We were going back to Rome after that.

You raise a good point, Miff. I feel like – sorry, I cut you off. What were you saying? I forgot because I saw my lift. You started speaking, I saw the lift over your shoulder and completely forgot my point. You're in Sicily. We're in Sicily.

Oh, no, the Maccas, they were just slow. Not very good service at Sicily McDonald's. If you want, you know, another Daily Mail article, Fiona O'Loughlin, here's some juice for you. Great. Whatever her name is, working the morning shift at McDonald's Sicily Airport, not very quick. Great.

Let's get the timestamp on your ticket. We'll be able to work out exactly who was on. Dailymail.co.it is going to have a full day of this story. But I do feel like as long as you get whatever they're kind of like because every McDonald's will have that country's kind of like a regional twist or their variant. As long as you're

doing that, you can kind of feel okay about it. Yeah, exactly. Like in Japan, they have the charcoal burger. Oh, the Japanese ones are great. Yeah, amazing. Amazing. What's the charcoal burger? Is it the black bun? It's the black bun.

Right. Okay. So, you know, that was a first for me. Yeah, totally. Terrifying the next day. Right. I thought I was dying. I thought I was dying.

You could go into McDonald's in Thailand, Carl, with just a spring roll that you've gotten from next door and just go, just whack this in the food for me. Just so I feel like... Oh, right. Just chuck this in a McFlurry. Because if I get a double cheeseburger... Oh, spring roll McFlurry, yum. Like a straw.

If I get the double cheeseburger, I'll generally chuck the fries in anyway. Exactly. If I just bring a stir fry. Yeah. If I just bring a few satay sticks in and just chuck them in a double cheeseburger. Absolutely.

Do you actually put fries in your double cheeseburger? You could go on MKR. Yeah, what's that called? When you go into

the kitchen and you've only got... No, it's like a mystery box on MasterChef. You're just putting it all together. It's great.

It's amazing. Yeah, it's the hungover MKR. Yeah. And the pickles are coming out as well while you're doing that. Oh, yeah. Get rid of them. Absolutely.

Thank you. Rehydrated pickles. No, thanks. Delicious. What's wrong with you all? No, no good. I'm with you. Not for me.

I don't want crunch in my burger, although apparently you do because you're putting fries in there. Yeah. No, but I'm with you. I don't like a bit of up and down. I don't want, oh, smooth. Oh, crunch. I'd rather put soggy fries in. Sometimes. You said up and down. He's glossed, oh, smooth, oh, crunch. You know, I'd rather put soggy fries in.

Sometimes. You said up and down. He's glossed over because he's thinking about the lift. I was thinking about the lift. No, sometimes if I'm doing an Uber Eats McDonald's order, I will put no pickles. And then I think if the person working sees my name by chance, recognises my name and go, oh, I can't stand that guy,

I sometimes get cheeseburgers with like 20 pickles in them. Right. Or you might just get a secret gob pickle. What's that? Oh. Oh. What? Oh, no.

I didn't think of that. That's a what pickle? Gob. Oh, I thought you said a gold pickle. I thought it was some sort of like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory deal. No, I had gob pickle and I thought like gobby. Yeah. Well, no.

That's a different kind of gob. Yeah. Oh, my God. People spitting in my burgers. I'd still eat it. Accidentally getting a gob pickle. So would the Uber Eats driver coming in and sucking your dick. Because you said no pickles.

I've got a pickle for you. I have a friend actually that has hooked up with their Uber Eats driver. Really? Tell me more, tell me more. Did it start with them eating your chips? No, he delivered the Uber Eats and there was like a weird bit of chemistry and he just sort of pointed over his shoulder and said, do you want to come in?

No way. And he came in and they hooked up. Gays were so good at just economising. Right, right, right. So what happened with the food though? So did the food go cold? I think they ate it in bed while they smoked a cigarette afterwards. Oh my God.

I love it. No, I wouldn't be sharing my food. I'd be like, get out. This person was not me. smoked a cigarette afterwards. Oh, my God. I love it. No, I wouldn't be sharing my food. I'd be like, get out. Yeah. This person was not me. Let me... I feel like we've said... I feel like we need to say this in case any regulation board listens to this.

Now, Joel Creasy, we've said McDonald's so many times. Your family does own half of McDonald's in the Southern Hemisphere, I believe. They do. Yeah, they do. In Western Australia, yes. It's so relatable to talk about your parents

when you've got McDonald's. I know. Hence why it's not in my standard back but I know you guys love McDonald's we absolutely love it a cool thing of celebrities you get to be working behind the counter at McHappy Day

it's profile but it's also you're just working for McDonald's absolutely and slowing up the drive through get off the cash register but for you it must be weird it must be very up and down and slowing up the drive-through. Yeah, yeah, you're right. Render the favola. Get off the cash register. But for you, it must be weird because it's like very, it must be very up and down because it's like you probably were working behind the counter when you were 14

and then you become famous and then you're back working behind the counter at the same McDonald's again. When I work my happy day, those drive-through times have never been better. Right. I'm like, step aside, Liz Ellis, I've got this. Right, right. You've got quicker hands than Liz Ellis.

I know, I really do. Yeah, not as tall though. We're going to Perth. Because years ago we went to the stores that your parents owned over there. That's right. Very well looked after by everyone. Oh, did you have a birthday party there or something? No.

No, jokingly said to Joel like a couple of nights before we left, I was like, oh, yeah, we're going to Perth. You should, you know, hook us up with one of your parents' McDonald's. And he goes, yeah, okay. And then the next day I get a message like, yeah, it's all teedth. You should, you know, hook us up with one of your parents' McDonald's. And he goes, yeah, okay. And then the next day I get a message like, yeah, it's all teed up. So we went in there and we got a grand tour. We went in there and it was like the big calls come in from Creasy HQ. Give these guys anything they want.

The red carpet's gone out and they'll be like over the top nice to us. So what did you have? Everything? We got to make our own food. Yeah. Oh, really? It was like we went there at lunchtime and we held up the lunch rush because we're going, oh, how many chips can we have?

How many can we pick our own amount of chips? Oh, I'm so glad you enjoyed it. See, I might be an arsehole, but I'm a generous arsehole. No, no, totally. Totally. Man, we loved it. And, like, the manager clearly had the message from on high. Oh, the supervisor.

Treat them well. Treat them well. But then all the other stuff, they're going, why are these two cunts in here just fucking up the entire day? This isn't Hamish and Andy. It's not McHappy Day. This is open mic Hamish and Andy. Culminating with us being recognised by someone

who was pulling through the drive-thru. Yes. Did you actually? Yeah. The best. Tell me more. Sorry, I shouldn't have been so surprised there. Sorry.

No, well, it's funny. They should have been more surprised. So we were just working and then one of our listeners went through the drive-through and just sort of looked at us and sort of went, that makes sense, you're working at McDonald's. Oh, the happiest day of my life. Such a highlight. We need to get famous enough to get back there at some stage

and get to work at McHappy Day. Also not using any backdoor connections. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just on our own merit. In our way. In our way back to work. I've never been asked to work on McHappy Day. Oh, really? Yeah, no.

Oh, all right. Now, there's the Daily Mail article right here. That's outrageous. Well, look, if you want to work McHappy Day, get your way to Perth. I can hook you up. I could get you into a few stores. I reckon you could do morning at one, lunch at another look up when McHappy day yeah I'd love that that

cheap labor that day be thrilled yeah yeah totally totally would you want to do it Miff yeah totally I'm kind of obsessed with the whole ethos behind McDonald's I've never been in the kitchen but like the whole idea of fast food I called you a loser for not going in the kitchen. I've been in my own. But that whole idea of fast food and the way it was invented and making production so anyone could do it, i.e. young people who were not skilled and qualified. Like us. Young was kind.

But I just... It's of a time. It's of the 1950s when there was this great optimism. You know, there was automobiles and... Well, we call them cars here, but in America they're... You know, cars and drive-thrus and all that kind of... I still get really excited about that whole sort of fantasy of what the future was going to be like.

And in a way, Maccas is a bit of a hangover of those dreams. Honestly, it's like when we were there, what I thought of was like being in a space shuttle or something because everything's so cramped and compact. It's like built so every inch is sort of allocated and accounted for. Yes, everything has a reason. Yes, so all these drawers are coming out and you can't be in the same spot

as anyone else sort of thing. And it's like so, like this is what going to the moon's like, except you're making a quarter pounder in fucking Leaderville. But even just like what you were saying, but like generationally, like McDonald's reminds me of like happiness of being a little kid. Like it was the tree. It was the end of a long car trip. Does that happen anymore? Are kids even allowed to eat

McDonald's? They get packets of green beans served warm with salt at the servos now and that's not fun, is it? Do you know what I used to do? I got my driver's licence in grade 12 so I used to take guys I had crushes on,

I would take them for a free feed at my dad's Macca's. Oh, really? And then I dropped them home after, yeah. When you were, how old were you? I'd give them a McFlurry and that is not a euphemism. I would literally give them a McFlurry. How old were you? I was 17.

So you were, but you can't drive. Yeah, I got my P's. I had my P's in the second half of grade 12. Hang on, does that mean you can? I grew up, This is Western Australia. Do you get your licence at, like, can you drive on the road at 17? Yeah, on my own. I'm not allowed to drive after midnight.

It's like red peas or whatever. Okay. Wow, that's good because it's 18 here, isn't it? Yeah. There you go, yeah. So what would you say was the strike rate of this plan working out? Would you take someone you have a crush on? Never.

It was always, like, the footy team. And they were hungry. Not for me. So did you have your parents own McDonald's when you were in primary school? Yes. Yeah, all my life pretty much. Right. So you must have had an aura about you.

Like if I'd have known someone growing up. Oh, man. Yeah. Who owned, whose parents owned McDonald's. I'd want to be your friend. Exactly. Exactly. Oh, no.

I still found ways to irritate people. A cheeseburger's only $2. I can be more irritating than $2. But surely there are people that have grown up now that see you on TV and go, oh, the McDonald's kid is famous. Yeah, totally. And I was never very funny in school, so I always think about people seeing me on TV going,

what is he doing? Why is he doing the gala? That's so weird. Did he give all the organisers like cheeseburgers or something? I drove him through in my Ford Focus. My first car was a sparkly blue Ford Focus. Are you surprised by that? Not surprised at all.

That's divine. Did it have a name? No, but I played a lot of Madonna. I only had a Madonna album. Yeah. What was your first car? My first car was a yet to come my first car was a uh what was it 87 green nissan pintara all the pintara yeah yeah and i and it went really well and i never had any trouble at all and then i And then I bought my current BMW.

And I was like so happy with it because it's like this cool vintage car. And then it did not work for the six months that I – the first six months that I bought it. And the guy I sold the green Nissan Pintara to for $100, I saw him drive up and down past my house heaps. Middle finger up. As I was – honestly, as I was walking to the supermarket one time, he pulled over and went, cheers for this car. It runs like a dream. And you're getting on the tram. And I'm walking 25 minutes to Newport Station.

I'm sorry. And so what, the Beamer just conked out as soon as you got it? Yeah, it had a fan problem. And I brought it to the local garage and they could not figure it out except they were saying they couldn't figure it out. This is great. Yeah, and it went for weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks and it just, it was always at this place and I was stuck out in Williamstown and I think I didn't, I think I didn't have

a job at this point. So all of a sudden I lost my car and my job and my girlfriend. And so I'm in the worst fucking place mentally and physically of my life. Sorry I brought it up. No, that's fine. Right near the Westgate too. Exactly. I really was.

But no car to be able to drive up and on. Well, it's lucky I was already under it. I wasn't on top of it. But no, literally I really was. I used to really live like underneath it. Yeah, I've seen you. You drove me past your old house once. Yeah, yeah, literally, I really was. I used to really live, like, underneath it. Yeah, I've seen your, you drove me past your old house once. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I can see you from my Docklands balcony.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, this car stayed in this garage for, like, literally months. And I'd be ringing it up and going, what's going on? And they're like, oh, we're still running a few tests or whatever. Like, how many tests do you need to run on something like this that's just overheating a little bit? It was there for, like, two months. Do a few tests or whatever. Like, how many tests do you need to run on something like this that's overheating a little bit? It was there for like two months. Do you think they were just stealing all the parts

and then sending them off and then replacing them with cheap ones? Honestly, what I think was happening was when I finally got it back, I just walked in and went, I need it now. And they're like, oh, it's not fixed. And I'm like, I don't give a fuck. I reckon I could probably fix it better than you. So I got it back off them and it just had enough in it to drive to another mechanics who fixed it.

And what did they say? Well, what happened was I got it out off them and it just had enough in it to drive to another mechanics who fixed it. And what did they say? Well, what happened was I got it out and then I was like, all right, now I'm going to go to this place and then I look at the tachometer. It had done an extra couple of thousand.

No. I think they'd temporarily fixed it, driven it to Sydney and come back again. Wow. And it did. Ferris Bueller's day off style. Totally.

Oh my God. Totally. Totally. And then when I brought you to the other garage. So then I brought you to another garage and they're like, yeah, that wasn't the problem. It was just this. You're just being taken advantage of by everyone in this story. Yeah.

This guy who sold you this car, what a legend. Oh, my God. Fucked fan problem that no one knows what it is. And also the guy who bought the Pintara off me, his mum tried to barter me down. I'm like, it's a hundred bucks. Nice. How good were car names though? At least you've had a fan problem.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, sure. But how good is that Pintara? Listen, Pintara just rolls off the tongue like a fine wine, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah. Has your car stopped shaking? No, no, no.

I'm still driving. I've got a – my first car was a Daihatsu Charade. It was like three cylinders and pretty much a lawnmower. But in my 30s, I grew up and I bought a car and it was like brand new and I thought, oh, I know. Oh, brand new car. And I was sophisticated and, you know, I got a loan from the bank it was really exciting and the abc isn't that badass well well this was no this was in 2002 maybe um little peugeot 206 tiny little car but brand new i was so up myself

i can't believe it but i messed it up by getting Kentucky Fried Chicken on the first day. Great. And the smell seeped in into the front seat and I couldn't get rid of it for years. But I've still got – Carissa, you'll be asking us to edit that video out, by the way. Yeah, exactly. My dad will be furious. It's great. Anyone getting a lift, oh, I love that new car smell.

What is that, nuggets? But I've still got the same car. It's like nearly 20 years old and it's rattling around but I can't get rid of it. I'm emotionally attached to that car because I've moved countries, I've moved cities, I've had partners that are gone, I've had pets that have died. I've still got that fucking car and I'm so emotionally attached to it,

it's hilarious. And it just like kind of rolls and bangs around the corner and makes lots of weird noises and I'm like, I can't get rid of it. You'll never get rid of it. Yeah, I've had two cars my whole life. So that car I bought then, even though it had a rough six months, I've never had another problem with it since, apart from all the batteries that have gone flat

when I continue to leave the headlights on. But that's my problem rather than his problem, I think. Yeah, it beats the fan. Yeah, yeah, totally, totally. I once got a flat tyre and got so frazzled and didn't know what to do, I took it to the service station. Apparently, it's very easy to fix. Or I just had to put some air in the tyre.

Right. And I got so frazzled. Hang on. So what you're saying is one time I got a flat tyre, apparently I needed to put air in the tyre. That's generally how flat tyres work. Yeah, well, I didn't – yeah, okay. Well, I wasn't really – you know, I was stressed.

Boy, some easy cash for the RACV that day. No, I didn't know what to do. So I left it there at the petrol station and bought a new – no, I didn't buy a new car. I didn't buy a new car. And I called my boyfriend, Jack. I said, you need to go and fix that. I'm so stressed.

I'm going into the city to have a wine with a friend. So I went into the city and had a wine with Reese Nicholson while Jack went and picked up the car. So you just abandoned this car at a petrol station? Yes, I didn't know what to do. They probably thought it was stolen or like there was a bomb in it or something. I didn't know how to clip the air bit, the hosey bit to the air hole thing. And I was worried that I was going to put too much air into a tyre that I'd blow it up.

Yeah. Look, you know what? Brett Blake, comedian Brett Blake listens to this show. He'll be losing his fucking mind at the moment because he's very car oriented. And I have to admit, I'm the same as you. I would have done basically the same thing. I would have rung your boyfriend. Actually, he's asked you to stop if you could.

But your boyfriend, I don't think we've ever mentioned this. So he is a model, your boyfriend. Yes. Now, when I met him, I was like, I don't think we've talked about this before, but when I met him, I'm like, have I met this guy before? Where have I seen this guy before? And then I realised, I know where I've seen him before. I've been taking pictures of him off the internet

and putting our logo on the blank T-shirt that he's been wearing to promote to sell our t-shirts before. Yeah, he's the Red Bubble model. So a bunch of years ago he did this campaign for Red Bubble. I don't think he was paid a whole lot. This was at the start of his modelling career. And I don't know what sort of contract he signed, but that photo has been used everywhere.

So like he's the Trump campaign used my boyfriend Jack as the model because they could put Make America Great Again logos on his shirt. Crazy anti-vaxxers have put their logos on their shirt. Everybody has. And is he pro these things or anti-vaxxers?

Oh, he's very pro them. Why would he go and pose for these things if he's not for them? Then I get idiots tweeting me, being like, how dare your boyfriend go and model for Trump? I'm like, clearly it's a green screen and you can put anything on it. He doesn't know that. He's not ever been to America. Yeah, yeah.

There's literally just heaps of pictures of him on Google Images with just white T-shirts on. You can chuck whatever you want on his chest. Do you have to pay for that image? Like, is that part of the deal or you can just use it? I can... Well, it's nice to know that we're not

the most offensive thing that's been photoshopped onto him. I can chuck whatever I want in his chest for free.

There's still less offensive than the Donald Trump one. Absolutely. But yeah, car stuff. I would be, I'm

the same as you Carl, I'd be completely fucked. No, it's confusing. Yeah. I don't like, I'm the same as you, Carl I'd be completely fucked No, it's confusing In that situation Yeah I don't like I'm actually not a very

I don't drive at night Okay I don't drive at night You can't drive Okay, I can't drive You can drive But you don't like driving I took my friend

Yeah, I don't like driving I like an Uber I took my friend to the hospital today They said, can you reverse into that bay? There was a parking tent I said, oh, no, I can't actually Can you find me a bay that I can drive straight into? I can't reverse into that bay uh there was a parking tent i said oh no i can't actually can you find me a bay that i can drive straight into i can't reverse i can't park yeah exactly yeah money talks no um welcome to the mcdonald's driving license academy

i took him through the drive-thru i took the instructor through the drive-thru. No, I just, what did I do? I failed several times and it was always on the reverse parallel. And once I was only in the car for 30 seconds, truly, because I drove into the wall of the instruction centre. Love it. I was only going for my automatic as well, by the way. I got reverse and drive confused, which, they're tricky. They're very close together on the gear thingy.

And then I got, about the fourth time, I think he felt sorry for me and didn't make me reverse parallel plus i think he was just over me great i reckon i reckon i'm the opposite i reckon the reverse park is the number one thing i can do i love it and the rest of it i can't do the rest of it i'm i'm fine as a driver i've had so many red light fines i've had so many speeding fines i'm technically like i'll argue with my wife and go you you're not a very good driver and she'll go cool let's look at our records shall we mine's unblemished and you've lost your license twice because of speeding fines and red light did you not pass your fines on to somebody else like i have started passing them on to her high amount of points she's saying how easy that is to do. I know.

It's ridiculously insane. She did have an unblemished record. Now she is about to lose it. Wow. So now you're both on thin ice? You're both like, what, one point away from? I'm on no points away. You've lost it.

No, I'm on that ridiculous rule that they have here where you lose your licence and then they go, well, how about we introduce gambling into this yes can you explain that to me because yes this is the third time this has come up on the podcast over the years very briefly very briefly uh uh you lose lose all the points you get a letter in the mail that says right you've lost all your points you technically have lost your license but do you want to go double or nothing meaning if you drive for an uh year uh and you don't get any more points, you can sort of have your licence officially back. So then cut to me driving my wife's car around from now on

so that my actual car sits in the garage and doesn't get driven so I can't get done for it. Cut to it having several flat batteries because I'm not driving it any of the time. Meanwhile, my wife's car is getting all these speeding and red light fines because I'm driving it around. Oh, my gosh. Yeah.

Just get an Uber, babe. Just get an Uber. It's so insane. My ratio of getting fines to amounts of times I'm taking a car out of a garage is insane. It's a terrible strike rate. It's nearly one to one. It's nearly one to one. It's nearly one to one.

Are you trying to run these red lights? It looks like it. It looks like it. My record is such a high ratio. There's a lot in the city as well. There are so many in the Melbourne CBD. I don't think it's even that. I think I just get out of the CBD and I get bored. What are you doing in your car? Are you off with the

fairies? Are you listening to something? Are you singing? No, no. I think I'm just like impatient and going, oh, let's just get this over with. Let's just get home. Stop watching Mad Max before you go out. I'm not like going crazy. I'm just like going, seeing 60 and going, well, what's the difference between 60 and 70 really? Not much.

And I like to think that my speedometer or whatever you call it is like 10 kilometers out. So I go up. Yeah, daylight savings. Honestly, now if you could do that. Now, you know when you set your alarms, you set your clock for 10 minutes in front so that you're not running late. You're always running with that in mind. Can you change your car so that happens? So you can put it to 70 and you're actually only going 60?

That would fucking save me and my wife a lot of demerit points your wife really does need to rein it in yeah she's a real speed demon out there

yeah real lead foot oh my god if anyone listening knows how to do that can break into me or my wife's car and make this happen

there must be a way surely that's illegal though because you can't do can you put the odometers back you can't do the remember Ferris Bueller yeah yeah you obviously can't do the tachometer back but I don't know if it's illegal though because you can't do – can you put the odometers back? You can't do the tachometer. Remember, Ferris Bueller.

Yeah, yeah. You obviously can't do the tachometer back. But I don't know if it's illegal to put the speed gauge. What did I say? Odometer? What's that? Speedometer? Speedometer.

Am I just making up words? Is odometer the same as tachometer where it's just how many kilometres you've done? I have no idea. I can hear Brett Blake screaming at me from here but we'll figure this out afterwards. But please someone let me know if you can bring

the speed dial forward. Because they should bring that in. Like if you've been done enough times for speeding they go okay

maybe it's like training wheels. Yeah. It's out of your control. They take the car in. They just do it. They just scratch the numbers. You can just scratch the numbers off and make like 50, 60 or whatever.

Do a bit of whiteout. That's it. There we go. Now, that's legal. You can do that. If a cop pulls over someone and sees new numbers in handwriting, they can check the rule books. I'm pretty damn sure that's not in there.

Getting pulled over. Do you know how fast you were doing back there? Beats me, pal. Just like a backwards six. Hang on, let me get out my conversion chart and I'll let you know how fast I was doing. Yeah, I'm driving this thing in litres. I've got a new system because I can't be trusted.

Yeah, I'm not doing kilometres anymore. I'm just doing levels. I was up to level four then on the highway. I'm doing vibes. I'm't be trusted. Yeah, I'm not doing kilometres anymore. I'm just doing levels. I was up to level four then on the highway. I'm doing vibes. I'm going to vibes. My third driving test, I hit the girl taking the test after me. Great. Oh, great.

And how did that end up? Well, she's still not driving. She failed. No, I just sort of gave her a light nudge, like, hey. Like, she drove into it. She was arriving to take the test. Was this a test or a lesson? No, she was arriving to take the test. Was this a test or a lesson? No, she was arriving to take her test.

But what were you doing? I was doing my test. But you hit a person, which is surely... I failed. Right, okay. I gave her a little nudge. Thank you. No damage, a little bruise.

If you would have passed that, I was like, the McDonald's fix really is... Yeah, yeah. It was two McClurries that day. Yeah, yeah. And an actual gobby. No, I hit her. But she still took a test and passed

just to really rub it in oh nice yeah while I'm filling out an incident report she would have got definitely like a token bit of a you hit a few cones

but you did get literally hit by a car you got a sore leg yeah yeah from that gay that was screaming in the car park I haven't even

left the car park of the centre right yeah he I mean technically he couldn't hear you screaming because ray of light was fucking blaring out of his fucking Ford Focus. But, yeah.

When I was doing lessons, my instructor was telling me that, like, there was someone he knew, a girl he knew, that had, like, failed the test for, like, not being able to turn the car on. Like, she's sitting there and, like, panicking because I think, I don't know, the key was in a different bit to where she was, the car she'd been, like, learning in and she's, like, panicking and I think it was, like, you because I think, I don't know, the key was in a different bit to where she was the car she'd been like learning in and she's like panicking. And I think it was like, you know, sometimes can the instructor ride along on the test or whatever it was.

They have got the pedals, don't they? They can use the pedals. No, no, but this is for the actual licence test. And the person is like, you know, just God, I mean, maybe you're not fit to have your licence once you're out on the road, but God, at least give yourself a chance. And he's like, just, you know, reach out in front of you. And she's like, just has a meltdown and then fails and doesn't end up doing it

and like goes home like a waste of the fee. To be fair, it's sort of like spelling your name wrong on an exam. It's like, well, don't worry about the rest of it. If you fail the first bit, you're not going to. So I've got to admit, in new cars, when you get new hire cars and they are keyless, I don't know what to do. Oh, I wouldn't know either. I have no idea.

It freaks me out. Do you have to say on? I don't know. Like, you've got to be able to. Is it like one of those lamps? You just have to. Yeah, take both hands off the wheel and clap. Yeah, I've driven one of them not too long ago.

And as long as the key is inside the car, you can then push a button and turn it on yeah yes yeah my car's like that like if if i if i drop oh we're oh the model's home jack's just home yeah hello hey yeah we're yeah we're recording yeah we're mid pod you're on it now yeah jack's just finished training an F45 class. Oh, nice. How many F45 classes do the both of you attend? He goes all the time.

I go every day. I went before this. Come on, Joel. Isn't it obvious? You need to go to the Port Melbourne F45 and Jack will train you. Okay, maybe I will do that. Oh, wow. Yeah, interesting.

I've done my first, not F45, but the same thing. Like, you know, whatever. They're all the same sort of cults, aren't they? They're so culty. It's like Lululemon that's another cult i did orange theory yeah whatever orange theory is i don't think what is that i think it's the same as aren't they all sort of the same except this one has this like a slight scam where it's like once you get into the orange bit that means that's when you're really burning stuff i'm like what the fuck does the orange bit mean what is this is like you're speaking another stuff, I'm like, what the fuck does the orange bit mean? This is like you speaking another language.

I'm not across the orange. I did it and they were doing all this sort of talk and it's like, can't I just rip the rowing rope? Isn't that what it was really all about? I don't need to know algebra to know how to fucking do a deadlift. Just go for a run, go for a swim. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. Let's get Jack over here to give you 15 minutes of training for the remainder of this podcast.

Do a burpee right now on Mark. No, no. I'm so pass out gay that if someone yells at me, even if in like a, come on, you can do it, I'd be like, what did you say to me? I'm a fire up. My trainer knows to not ever get angry at me. Oh, really? I will yell back.

Really? Yeah. I reckon I would love a trainer to just fucking go me. Like, I would pay extra for that. No, no. Because you want to be able to go back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want the excuse to yell at someone.

I wanted to try to, like, a stand-up gig and just, like, this is a heckler. All right, cunt. Just deliberately lifting the barbells, like, chucking them over your head so they come and give you a shtick for doing the wrong thing. See, I hate gyms. Like, they terrify me. It's just full of sweaty blokes grunting. And so I stay right away.

Now I do Pilates. Have any of you done Pilates? No. I'm not very flexible. No, you don't have to be. You just go in. Seriously, you lie on your back and they put you in these machine contraptions from the kind of the 70s or the 80s.

I'm not sure. But they look a bit old. The Fort Luke kid? Yeah, but they look a bit old. The Fondue kit? It feels a bit like that. And you just kind of slide around on those machines and then pull a couple of strings. Hang on, so they do the Pilates for you? No, they tell you how to do it, but you're lying on your back. It's the best exercise I've ever done.

I used to do it and it's awesome, yeah. It's really good. You actually feel like you're getting a workout without even really raising a sweat or doing anything really, just lying around and it's perfect. Can I take a wine? You could. I've given up wearing sports clothes. I just wear my day clothes now.

I just roll in. Oh, no, you're one of them. I'm fascinated by the people that come into my gym with jeans on. And just a pair of work shoes and they run on the treadmill. Yeah. Like, are you going to a meeting after that? It's disgusting. No, it's rank.

I get a lot of, like, old blokes that come in who are like, look, I'm 75, I'm 80, I'm not going to bother going down to bloody sports power and getting myself a Nike singlet and whatever. It's not worth it. Like, I could die today. I'm not going to look stupid like that. I'm just going to wear these paint pants that I've had on to get up the house. Whack the cardi on, whack the cords on.

I love that. Yeah. Because you don't actually need clothes, special clothes to work out. Not that I do actually go in my work clothes. I don't. I was only joking. But you generally probably don't really need like you can just wear any old shitty tracksuit. That's true for everyone but

gay men. For gay men at the gym that is it's like going to a club. Yeah. Especially some of them like you know your fitness first paran and stuff. That is a cruising joint. You have to be yeah you have to be in brand new sports gear top to toe. You have to look flawless.

There's a lot of eyes across the room as you're doing it. See, I couldn't do that. No, I don't go there. Because I get bright red in the face and I'm sweating and it's not a scene I want to be seen in. I'm on like 2K dumbbells saying I'm trying to add a new fan to me. I don't want to go to any of the gay gyms. And then a lot of them, there's signs in the sauna being like,

do not hook up in here. Oh, wow. Yeah, have you not seen that? No, I've never been in a sauna. Like a lot of fitness firsts, there's signs up saying, do not hook up in here. This is for steaming only. The only signs we have in my gym in the Hawthorne YMCA is don't take

any photos in the change room. And whenever I go in there, I look at the blokes around and go, why would anyone take a photo in here? It's literally just old bl photos in the change room. And whenever I go in there, I look at the blokes around and go, why would anyone take a photo in there? It's literally just old blokes in the courts. With their knock ears and their knock ears. Yeah, yeah. Talking text. Talking text.

Yeah, old blokes trying to take pictures, but they've just got Snake on their phone and that's it. They've got one of those cameras that go, boom, and you put your head on. Yeah, and there's like, but here's the thing, I'm fascinated by, it's very in Hawthorne, it's very, but here's the thing, I'm fascinated by, it's very, in Hawthorne it's very much that or the other extreme which is like there's a couple of girls in there that absolutely

are made up head to toe and they're like full on Ariana Grande in there. Sorry, who? Ariana Grande? Grande. Oh my gosh. Sorry, I don't speak French. Ariana Grande. Ariana Grande. Oh, my gosh. Sorry, I don't speak French. Ariana Grande. Ariana Grande.

I just want to translate for our Australian listeners. But you do speak about Starbucks, so you're fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, no, they're absolutely glammed up. But then it's like I'm looking at them and they're just showing off to these old blokes and me. Right. Maybe it's for you. Oh, fuck.

I fucking hope so. And there's not a lot left of the imagination in the old chords and the thin tracks. Yeah, yes. The girls are probably loving it. Yeah, right. Just giving someone just one last thrill before they go completely out.

The dream. Just a bit of free Viagra for them. Well, speaking of all this stuff I'm just back from this weekend Just gone running in the city to surf In Sydney If you can imagine anything more disgusting than that I don't know I was going to do it with some friends

And then they kind of bailed on doing it So it was just me flying up there by myself for the weekend To do a fun run How long is the city to surf? How far do you run? 14 kilometres. That's a long way. Because years ago I did a half marathon back when I was fit and much younger.

And it was pretty embarrassing though by the end because when I came running through, they were packing up the road closing equipment. So that was – But look, it was okay. I made it. I made it in the end. But 14K's on that run is really hard because you've got the hill i don't know it's got a name heartbreak hill that's

it and because i lived in sydney for a couple of years well done you it was fun well so i was raising money for the children's cancer institute uh sorry i didn't donate but it's a bit late now give me your story i uh i plugged it on this and I kind of didn't want to go too hard on it. Like I was getting, you know, I got a little decent amount in and then four days. No, because you've got ticket sales coming up soon. It's festival season. 100%.

There's only so much plugging you can do on one account. And then I got an email during the week from them that I almost didn't read because it's just like, oh, the run's coming up. And I was like, yeah, who cares? It was from the Children's Cancer Institute and it said, the run's coming up. And I was like, yeah, who cares? It was from the Children's Cancer Institute and it said, the run's coming up. Here is the board of our current top three fundraisers. And I was number two.

Oh, wow. And then under that it says, whoever comes first wins a trip to Queensland. So then all of a sudden I'm very motivated. Absolutely. Absolutely. Where are you going? All of a sudden my social media ethics goes out the window

and I'm just like pushing it as hard as I can. Like I put it on our social media for this and like saying, you know, trying to really rally people up. A week ago, because I did a run a couple of weeks ago and Dasla's giving me shit because I'm pushing it hard just so I could raise more money than Dilruk Jai Singh and make him look a bit like a cunt. All of a sudden two days later Dasla's like,

oh, there's a fucking holiday in it for me. Oh, I'm really into raising money for fucking whoever the fuck's copping this money. I don't think I was giving you shit. I was just a statement of fact. So I'm putting it out there and, you know, a lot of money's coming in. It's very great.

And like kind of making a bit of a thing out of it like, yeah, let's fucking take this guy down who's number one. Let's show him. And then during the week I'm kind of trying to see where I'm at in relation to him. Of course. But there's no like actual leaderboard online or anything. No. So I just kind of have to do a bit of stalking and find his page, his fundraising page.

And he'd be having updates, personal updates of what he did. And I look at his page and I start to – there's not too much personal information on there but there's like photos and stuff. And I've kind of started to go fuck I think this guy might I think he has kids and I think they might actually be sick right now. Like this is fucking brutal. I thought you were going to say

it's like a stalking horse and like it's just a fake person made up by the charity to just push you hard. Oh yeah right. I still think that's fine to want to beat him because you're only raising money for charity. Yeah, you're raising money for his kids. Yeah, totally. You can take those kids with you to Queensland.

To Queensland. Yeah. I think his kids would love that trip to Sea World or Hollywood on the Gold Coast or whatever it is. So it gets to race day and as I'm running, I'm getting notifications on my phone. Did you have to Vaseline your nipples? I didn't. Oh, gosh, that's dangerous. But I thought I'd be in trouble, but I was actually, yeah, I was okay.

Is that the trick for not getting chafed nipples? Yeah, you Vaseline or you put sticky tape on. Right, okay. Yeah, but, like, we ladies don't really have to worry because we wear bras. Right. Yeah, but I've seen men finish marathons and they literally hadn't thought it through. They've got like blood on their chest. Like what is that?

Oh, wow. Yeah, I did start to run and think, fuck, I haven't. Because I also haven't done really much or any running this year. So it's pretty out of form with it. But you're fit though, aren't you? You're reasonably fit. Yeah, but over a distance though, it's kind of a different thing, I think. But anyway, so as I'm running, I'm getting like more notifications

of donations coming in. As you're running, you should have your phone. Yeah, I've got my phone on. People spurring me on. It feels very good. Yeah. And like by the time the race finishes, I'm ahead by like $1,000. Like I've beaten this guy.

Oh, my God. That's amazing. So they invite me to their marquee after the race has finished, the Children's Cancer Institute. Was Warwick Capper there representing Queensland? Damn, he presents it to me. So I go down and I'm like, this will be good because I'll meet. This will be a massive piss up at the Children's Cancer Institute

after party. Oh, yeah. Was it like my party in the weekend? Yeah, with the waiters with 100 cheeseburgers. Yeah, there are a few people there lost, still wandering around from your party on Friday and made their way up to Sydney. They've got cancer from your party.

So I go in and I'm thinking, well, this will be good because I'll probably meet people from the Children's Cancer Institute. They'll tell me that I've won. I'll get some big novelty fucking airline ticket or whatever. I'll get to meet this man and ascertain that he doesn't have children with cancer right now so I can feel good about beating his little ass completely senseless.

I go in there to their tent and it's like this tiny little tent. They've said like there'll be a spread on. There's like an esky full of warm cokes. There's like two bananas. There's literally no one in there. There is no one in there from the children's campus. How long did you take to run this race though? Were you like Miff?

Were they packing up when you got in? Yeah, this was this morning. Did you get overtaken by the paddle pop line as well? And the 90-year-old guy who's just like smooth running beside you. Oh, really? Yeah, everyone passed me. And it's just like, man, you're in a bear suit. I know. And I can't breathe. And this is easy for you. Sorry, continue. Yeah, everyone past me. And it's just like, man, you're in a bear suit. I know.

And I can't breathe. And this is easy for you. Sorry, continue. Beaten by the paddle pop line. Well, are you actually going to Queensland? Well, so I then, after this, I'm standing there and I'm like, well, I don't know what's happening. So there's no one hanging out.

There's nothing to drink. There's no one hanging out. My friend then messages me and goes, hey, come to this marquee that I'm at. I can get you in. This place sounds like the bloody Melbourne Cups. It is. It sounds like the Birdcage. Come to the marquee that I'm at. I can get you in. This place sounds like the bloody Melbourne Cups. It is. It sounds like the Birdcage.

Come to the marquee. It's going on. The bachelor's here. Get in. Oh, you and the kids cancel and come to the Alzheimer's tent. It's going off. But literally, there is a hierarchy of charity tents. Oh, my God.

But it's so funny. You'll have such a great time in the Alzheimer's tent, you won't remember it until tomorrow. But it is just all these brain cancer tents. And then in the middle, Amazon just had a big marquee. They're just throwing a party on the beach in the middle of all these fundraisers. Did you get into the Amazon part?

You should have run to raise funds for Amazon. You would have gone to the better party that way. Yeah, probably. So I end up going to this one that my friend is at, which is a competing children's cancer charity. Oh. Yeah. Competing charity.

And I go in there and it's going off. They've got booze. They've got massages. They've got music. They've got like a spread of food. Any Coke? Wow. That's why they run so fast.

And I've got like the sweatband on from the Children's Cancer Institute and people from this other charity are like, oh, yes, the enemy. There's like warring factions of kids' cancer foundations. Aren't they charities? Aren't they supposed to be like full of light and love and warmth and enthusiasm? Yeah, but you know what it's like. Everything's like that. Cutthroat.

People think all comedians are friends. Yeah, no. You know, Joel, it's not like that, is it? I don't know, sir. You're sort of a single comedian at my party. No, there actually wasn't. There wasn't. You're right, there wasn't.

No, there wasn't. Oh, my God. I don't want another comedian here. Yeah, yeah. No. I had a 45-minute stand-up set to do after I blew out the candles. Oh, sorry. So did they have any prizes?

Was there anything? Did you meet the other guy? Did you meet the other guy in the airport? So I just kind of go. I leave. I leave Bondi. I'm sitting. I'm thinking, oh, well, I guess I'll get like a call from the Children's Cancer Institute

tomorrow, like kind of informing me that I've won or whatever it is. So I'm at the airport leaving Sydney. And you've had no friends there to support you. This is a very sad story. It is a really sad story. It's about to get sadder too. If I was fit, I would have done it with you, but I'm a long way off that.

Yeah, Angie's a liar. So I get this. Hey, Tommy, just wanted to let you know that you are neck on neck, not the phrase, with blank, to be the official highest fundraiser for 2019 for the Children's Cancer Institute. Not sure if you're aware, but our highest fundraiser this year went into free holiday to Queensland.

The two of you are literally $20 apart. So he's caught up over the last day. The finish line to announce the winner and collect those donations is two weeks post event. So Sunday the 25th of August. They dragged that out. This was not part of the rules and regulations, I'm sure. They now want me to stretch this out and fundraise for them for another two weeks.

How dare they try and get you to raise more money for these fucking cancerous little fucking kids. These fucking assholes. And I had it when I was a kid. I should have started with a $2,000 head start. You know what I mean? Yeah. I think you, when you see cancer, I think you just see dollar signs from now on because you're

doing this just for the holiday. When you were a kid and you had it, you basically just got cancer just so you could get the make-a-wish. I did. I stuck my head in the microwave just to get a shitty laptop. But you raise an interesting point. You've already been to Queensland. Being at this other charity's tent on the

weekend, it really affected me. And I think, you know, like any sporting season, when it comes to an end, I consider this now the official trade period for the 2020 City to Surf. Okay? I want to do it again. I'm a free agent. Okay?

I ended up raising, I'm currently sitting on $6,500 for the Children's Cancer Institute. Oh, my God, that's huge. If you're affiliated with a charity who thinks that you'd like this to come on board next year, make me an offer. If you think you've got a good marquee that's going to have more than warm Coke and a couple of bananas in it, then pitch yourself. Let me know what kind of spread you've got on offer.

Let me know what kind of beers. It's a purely marquee-based offer. It's marquee-based, yeah. Right, right, right. Yeah, my skills are available. You are turning this, as you said, into the Melbourne Cup. It's going to be a scene. And you are a marquee-based offer. It's marquee-based, yeah. Right, right, right. Yeah, my skills are available. You are turning this, as you said, into the Melbourne Cup.

It's going to be a scene. And you are a marquee name. So, you know, any marquees listening, they could snag you at a good rate. Totally. Amazon, if you want me

to raise money for you. What are you looking? What's your base demands in a marquee? What do you need? Interesting. I want hot food that's being freshly prepared there.

Some of the tents I saw there were just bringing in pre-packaged services. What do we think in sausage rolls? What do we think in hot chips? You want to like a celebrity chef, right? You want like an Adam Silver or Shane D'Elia or something. You know at the Melbourne Cup there was a celebrity chef. You want a Matt Preston there preparing something. Yeah, but after a big run, I'd

take a sausage and bread to be honest. Just something fresh. Just go to the Bunnings tent maybe. Yeah. I want control of whatever Bluetooth sound situation I'd take a sausage and bread, to be honest. Just something fresh. Just go to the Bunnings tent, maybe. I want control of whatever Bluetooth sound situation is in there. I want to be able to play my own music in the tent. I think that's pretty fair, if I'm the number one fundraiser for your charity. So sausages and bread, maybe, and the ox cord.

Anything else? Well, yeah, a lot of the tents have massages for people's cool down. Yeah, and you want to give some people massages. Yeah, I want happy endings for me. In full view of everyone else. Everyone else has to stand and watch as if I'm making an acceptance speech. At the finish line. You'll literally be finishing at the finish line. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I don't know. I kind of... I do want to win the trip. I mean, I don't know. It would be funny to win it. That's the other thing. They've been so vague. I couldn't find any information on their site or anything about what the trip actually is. It could be a thing where they don't know, it would be funny to win it. That's the other thing. They've been so vague. I couldn't find any information on their site or anything

about what the trip actually is. It could be a thing where they don't even provide flights. I don't know anything about it. It's just going to be that tent that you walked into on the beach at the Gold Coast. Just this tent with... On Service Paradise. Yeah, yeah.

Just some tent with warm coke in it and it's like you can sleep there the night. Yeah, but I don't know. That sounds like a good thing, especially during school. That'll be fun. You can rent that night. Yeah, but I don't know. That sounds like a good thing, especially during school. That'll be fine. You can rent that out. I just don't know really what – so it's two weeks from – it's like a week and a half from now, essentially. Okay.

That it closes. And I don't know. I don't want to bastardise my social media for that much longer. No, do it. It's a trip to Queensland. You can go anywhere, but it might be in Cairns. You don't know. Or Port Douglas.

You might have to hang out with Anastasia Palaszczuk. Who's that? That's the Premier of Queensland. Oh, right. Okay. I'm really into my politics. I'm so surprised. I thought this is definitely like a housewife of some way.

She's one of the real housewives of Queensland. The lower house. Well, what do you think I should do? Should I just, like, let it go and not, or do I keep pushing it? No, you win this bitch, I reckon. You're so far along the way, I guess. I know. That's what's frustrating is that I did win it.

Like, I did get the most by that cut off of the race. But it is hard to get people to donate now to a race that I've already done. The thing is, you're not remotely invested, so I think you should absolutely continue. I mean, you don't sound passionate about it at all. Well, what about this? So the cut-off date, the date that they announce it, August 25th, that's my birthday.

Oh, my gosh. It's got to be. And what better present than flying to somewhere where I'm definitely going to get cowed punched in the street? But you do know that the holiday won't start as soon as they announce the winner. No, I know. You can't be there straight away. But finding that out on the day would be nice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll buy the sound of it. They won't tell you straight away anyway. I reckon they'll extend it again. They'll extend it again. I'm a little bit sus on the rules and regulations and, you know, that bit where you tick and you've signed off on that. I think you need to check.

Well, they then, the next, so that email they sent was just to me and then a couple of hours after that there was like a big form one that went out to everyone who'd run to raise for them and it was like, you know, everyone did so well raising money for us, you know, we came just short of our overall target and it's like, right, that's what this is about. You know what I mean? It's about like the optics of being able to go, hey, we did it.

They've told their board they're going to get 100 grand and they're like 91 grand. They're like, I guess we can do another couple of weeks of this. So where are you up to? Is it still a thousand apart? Is it getting closer? They won't tell you. Is that what you're saying? No, I could look him up now.

So I'm on like 6,500 or so. How is Tommy Little actually? And he is on... That's a really good amount, I must say. Thank you. Yeah. Okay, so he's on just over 6,100. Okay, so you're beating him.

And I'm 400 ahead at this point. So you could win this. I could win this, yeah. It takes a long time for people. Apparently it's like three times before they realise that they've got to do something. So there's still probably hundreds of people out there who've thought about it who will do it if you keep annoying them as much as it annoys you. I'd love to inspire the listeners to chip in and say, hey, you know, if I get it, I'll do something in. But I don't even know where in Queensland it is.

I can't even make any big promises about things that I'll do for the podcast. It's a big state. Because I don't know where it is. Yeah. And it can vary, Queensland. Yeah. You could be going up in a car as well. Just the middle of Brisbane.

Just staying in the valley for two weeks. That's good compared to where you could be in Queensland, though, to be honest. Yeah, that's true. Brisbane's like Fortitude Valley is a bit of an oasis compared to the rest of Queensland. You get into a One Nation voting district and it's... Maybe they listen to this and they're like, oh, we'll give you your fucking Queensland holiday. Right, right, right.

Come play. This has turned into an appeal-a-thon. I love it. Yeah, right, right. Come play. This has turned into an appeal-a-thon. I love it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You've done quite a few appeals as well. I do all the appeal-a-thons. You do Perth? I do Telethon in Perth.

I do appeal-a-thon here. I always get in trouble for saying something rude. I'm always in a funny costume raising money. I'm in the phone room and people are going, oh, we want to speak to Sam Frost. I'm like, well, she's not here. She doesn't do the 3am to 5am shift. You've got me and Fat Cat.

Great. Fat Cat answering the phones. So one year. Remember when there was that The Boy From Oz TV movie and there was the younger Peter Allen, I guess he was the actor that was playing, he was like about eight or whatever. He was there at telephone doing the phone room with me. Me and this eight-year-old were running the phone room. Was he reciting his home number as eight-year-olds do?

242-4483. And I thought if they did a cross to us and Basil Zemplis, who was the host at the time, they did a cross to us and they were interviewing him, the eight-year-old actor, and I thought it would read as really funny if I pushed him over, snatched the microphone and I was like, this is about me. I think that's a funny joke, right? That is a funny joke, yeah.

Like, I don't know this kid. To other comedians. To other comedians. I thought it was hilarious. I'm sure he's a wonderful actor. But I did it, and as it was playing out, I realised this is not going my way. I just look like an arsehole. Apparently there was a boo in the main theatre.

Oh, my God. I just stayed in that phone room all night taking donations. I felt so guilty. I raised tens of dollars. Maybe I could do my own version of a telethon. I'd have to just do it on Facebook Live. Just rope in a couple of comedians and just be like, who do you want to speak to? That would be great. Do it.

Do it. Do it. I'm not available, but that's a great idea. Can I do it in the lift? Do a McHappy day at your house and make your own hamburgers and then you get to serve them and people just rock up to your place. That's actually pretty good. Yeah, maybe I'll do that. I'll give Dad a call.

He can help. What can he do? He owns McDonald's. Yeah. He could supply the cheeseburgers. Oh, okay. So now I'm not even cooking. Oh, yeah, well, you can just reheat them.

You get exclusive use of Tommy Dasolo's microwave. Yeah, yeah. You're just selling bootleg Big Macs out of your house. Yeah, I don't mind that. Out of a car boot. Yeah. Just turn up to, like, a Bunnings car park. Right next to the sausage sizzle.

Undercut the sausage sizzle. Yeah. Could you, has there ever been, like, a food truck, a McDonald's food truck? Yeah, have they ever done that? Have there ever been a McDonald's food truck Yeah have they ever done that Have there ever been A McDonald's food truck I think there has

That would be great Yeah I'm not I'm not sure There's always obviously You know the big orange juice Water cooler For the sport You know that you can go

Oh that you can hire You can hire it for free For local sports You know community groups Yes I had many Orange juice out of them At the blue light disco Right right

That's my dad's That's my dad's That Got me a lot of pashes With the girls in grade six Yes, I had many orange shoes out of them at the Blue Light Disco. Right, right. I'd say, that's my dad's. That's my dad's. Got me a lot of pashes with the girls in grade six. Right. All right, well, we'd better wrap this up, guys. LittleDumbDumbClub.com. There's a link to the best fundraiser going around.

Oh, my God, this is awesome. On the front page. Absolutely. Miff and I are off to no-no now. Yeah. Guys, please give so Tommy might have a holiday. Oh, and there's some sick kids there somewhere as well. All right, Miff and Joel, thank you very much for joining us. Thank you.

Thank you. Chip, things that you'd like to plug? Miff's radio show every day. Oh, you're good. Yeah, and you're on that. I'm on, yeah, he doesn't listen either to his friends' radio shows. 12.30 till 2 if you listen to ABC local radio, and it's around most of the country, but sorry, WA,

you don't get me anymore. I know, my mum was furious. She was furious when she couldn't get me. Yeah, they decided the time difference was too hard to work out and they weren't coping. It wasn't local enough because local radio is local. Yeah, totally. It's just got a Perth knock-off myth over there.

Yeah, or they just put the other announcer in a Perth knock-off myth over there. Yeah, yeah. Or they just put the other announcer in a few hours earlier, made her work harder. Also, keep an eye on carsales.com.au for when Myths Old Car shows up on there. Oh, my God, yeah. Never. Never, never. Great.

Chrissie, what have you got coming up? Anything? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. No, I don't think I've got anything. Do I? No. I don't know.

I'll check your diary. Yeah, I'll move into this've got anything. Do I? No. I don't know. I'll check your diary. Yeah, I'll move into this house with a lift. Time to stop earning money. I've done all my jobs. I've done my tour. I've done Eurovision. I'm just chilling. Any holidays coming up?

Oh, I'm going to Bali in a couple of weeks with Terry and Jenny Creasy. How dare you? I know I'm from Perth. We've got to go to Bali once a year. Yeah. Absolutely. Stay in a different hotel. I'm a dad, though. I can't handle them.

Oh, you're going with the folks? Yeah we're meeting them there Oh that's nice Yeah but we're Staying next door At a different hotel Right We'll just meet for dinners

That's what I said We'll meet for dinners It'll be fun We'll do sundown drinks Dinners And fuck off Just bring a McFlurry over later

Yeah absolutely I've never had Balinese McDonald's There we go That's the only thing I've got to do When I'm there I've never even seen one To be honest I don't think I've never had Balinese McDonald's. Oh, there we go. That's the only thing I've got to do when I'm there.

I've never even seen one to be honest. I don't think I've seen one either. Find out. Find out. I've seen Hungry Jack's. Oh my God. You've triggered my dad again.

You've triggered him. All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. And they have done it again. Oh, I'm glad you said that with a clear throat. Yeah.

Because I didn't want that to be muffled. That's a big call. I didn't want to get nervous about how we'd done it again and for my voice to break mid-sentence. I went to lunch today. I took my child out to lunch. I didn't order her anything. She can't get rid of it.

It'd be a bit of a waste, I think, at this point. But I went to lunch. I sat by myself with her in the pram and I ordered spaghetti. And it came with like little – and I've been doing intermittent fasting. Yep. So I've ordered the meal. I haven't eaten for fucking 18 hours, something stupid. Was your child spooked by the sound of the pokies machines and stuff going off while

you were sitting there with her? That's not a bad idea. I would do that. Now, this is al fresco. This is outside. Oh, very nice. Oh, cold day for that. Yeah, but we were both rugged up.

Okay. Yeah, it was good. I don't mind. I don't mind. I don't mind i don't mind don't mind a bit of sitting outside cold yeah i don't mind it up until a point today was i think today was my threshold today would have scared me away inside well that's sort of what i like is it does scare a lot of other people away that's true then there's no one around it's just me hanging out with her laptop boom it's a bummer when you go somewhere with someone And you've rugged up

And they haven't to the same extent And you get to the cafe And it's full inside And the waiter will be like Oh there's a table outside And you're prepared for the elements You're ready for it You can handle it

And they're like No I'm an idiot I came in a t-shirt and thongs Right I need to sit inside Yeah yeah yeah So I'm very hungry. I order spaghetti.

It comes with croutons. So I'm starving, tucked straight in. Yep. Basically so ready for it, I don't do my finer detail in eating and I'm not chewing properly. You choke on a crouton? Crouton. Wow.

Straight down the gullet. And your baby's six months. Yeah. Has she started doing CPR yet? Well, she has, but she fucking forgot it all. Right. Yeah, she's got a tiny brain. Oh, her first Heimlich maneuver.

Yeah, yeah. Her grip's not... She knew the grip's not strong enough at this point. Right, right, right. Yeah. The mind was willing, but the flesh was unable. Totally, totally. I mean, she learned that.

I mean, we're going to get her crawling next, but yeah. I wonder what's the wildest thing a kid has done before they've spoken. Yeah. Look, we're going off to the side here, but she loves to stand up. She's even i'm like i'm holding her hands no she she i hold her up and she's taking steps like she's walking she loves to stand up and wants to walk i'm like you haven't even fucking crawled yet this would be amazing i want to have a i want to have a baby that walks before it crawls yeah she's getting

the vibe off it that would be great for a baby to be walking along and me going how about we learn how to crawl now no is it really worth it i don't mind this walking around shit oh yeah so like 35 and then realizing she's never crawled yeah yeah she just goes you know she's one of these people where someone goes oh i feel a bit embarrassed i've never got my uh license yeah i never learned to crawl people in their 20s that still have baby teeth yeah and stuff like that and then one day she's like doing a tough mudder or whatever yes and they'll have the bit where you've got to crawl under the net and she just physically can't do it yeah yeah they're all mocking her like dad dad forced me to walk before i could crawl yeah it's like just jump under this fence i wish i could i wish i could i don't know how to do it um but yes, I start chugging on the crouton.

But it's like it's not a full choke because it's such a small crouton, but it just gets lodged in there. So then I'm there and I'm by myself and for a second I'm thinking, fuck, I need someone to Heimlich maneuver me. But then I'm like, but this isn't life-threatening. This is just really annoying. This is your body trying to tell you that you should be off bread. Yeah, yes. It's graft be off bread. Yeah, yes.

It's graft versus host disease. Yeah, yeah. And these people are looking at me through the window, and I'm really struggling. And I can see them looking at me going, does this guy need to be saved or whatever? And I'm like going, should I get some help or something? And then I'm like, I can't get help. It's just really, really, really annoying.

It's just a really, really hard bit of bread stuck in my fucking throat. But I know what you mean. I've had that happen before where there's something lodged in there and it's in my head going, at what point is this crossing over into dangerous? Yeah. Like this is troublesome at the moment. At what point do I actually need help?

Yeah. You know when you're trying to like cough it out and you're trying to drink water and nothing's working. It's like, all right, if this is still there in two hours, do I just what, go to the hospital and get them to like get a fish hook and get it out and you're trying to drink water and nothing's working it's like all right in if this is still there in two hours do i just what go to the hospital and get them to like get a fish hook and get it out so i'm having all those thoughts yep yep um all those thoughts and i'm thinking fuck what do i do but and then i'm thinking well it's not life-saving i can't get these people to come out what are they going to do whatever also it's just really annoying but then the longer i do it the more i go this, this is really hard, hard, stale bread pressing against my throat.

It's not good. I can't. I'm swelling. I can't get it down. And I bet there's a part of you going, who the fuck puts croutons on spaghetti? I am going to blow up at this chef when I get this out. No, no, I wasn't. Actually, I was like going, this is a shame because I'm going to have to get this out and I'm not going to enjoy it because it's not bad.

I don't mind it. In no position to enjoy it. Yes. Was it what? Spaghetti bolognese? Yeah. Yeah, sort of. You mean sort of?

Well, it's not spaghetti. It was tagliatelle. Oh, okay. Right. But a bolognese. That is still a weird move. That's pretty rare to just see croutons yeah they're sprinkled on a pasta now you say that you're right yeah i don't think i've ever seen it anywhere else actually um but

so that's stuck in there i'm thinking what the fuck and then i've got my drink with me but so i've ordered a drink and they haven't left me any table water so i've just ordered i've just got a drink and it's like a you know like a lemon squash that they've stung me five dollars for so i've like been taking sips to try and get it down and it's like it's not enough and I'm like thinking, yeah, but I can't just like splash it down my throat and like scald the whole thing. It's a waste of the drink.

It's $5. I want some drink left for when I get it out. I want some drink to go with the meal. I hope this is your daughter's first memory. Dad choking on a crouton, reluctantly sipping a lemonade. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just trying to stick the straw down my throat to get it out. Yeah.

So then I'm like, oh, fuck, what do I do? And then I look over and on the other side of the mini courtyard bit, there's a table with table water on it. I'm like, oh, okay. I go over there, scull a glass of water, bang, gets rid of it. Perfect. Oh, my God. Thank fuck for that.

Literally the next bite, the exact same thing happens. Literally the next bite. You're saying this like it's anyone's fault but your own. No, no, no, I'm not. This is twice in a row. I know. See, many people would go, they'd think in this situation, oh, new parent, this is scary, you know,

taking the kid out to a restaurant for a meal. You know, who knows what might happen to the kid. Something bad you know taking the kid out to a restaurant for a meal you know who knows what might happen to the kid yeah something bad might happen to the kid what they don't count on is the dad almost seemingly going out of his way to choke to death yeah it's it's i was like this is this is so fucking dumb right now the first time was first time was dumb i don't know what this time is yeah this is fucking idiotic but then i was like, at least I know I don't have to waste any soft drink. I've got the perfect solution. I got that table over there with the table water.

Oh, yeah. So you went back over there with the table water. Yeah. Which then looks silly to the people that are inside because they just, to them, it just looks like every time I get thirsty, I just walk over to a completely different table, take a sip of water and then come back again. Rather than take the full bottle of water. Why don't you just have your own glass, dude? Yeah. Feels better if glass dude feels better if it's like stolen if it's ill-gotten water i've really

earned it and um dare i ask what happened on the third bite of this i was like shit my pants i'm putting my foot down i'm i'm going to chew every bit of stale bread i get from now on so yeah it was can't say i'm a big fan of a crouton, to be completely honest with you. I don't mind it. Right. Yeah. That's interesting to me because a complaint that you regularly have with food is varying textures you're not afraid of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they do not come more varied than pasta to crouton.

Yeah, that's very fair. You know what? I think I probably like it because it's separated. I'm not putting up a big fork full of pasta and bolognese with the crouton in the same bite. I'm literally picking up the crouton by itself and eating it. It's a bit of a palate cleanser in the middle of the pasta meal. Yeah.

That's not bad. Yeah. Okay, yeah, that is pretty good if you view it like that. But also, I can't really think of too many times I've ever had croutons in a pasta. Perhaps ever. Perhaps I've never had this. Yeah in a pasta. Perhaps ever. Yeah. Perhaps I've never had this. Yeah, I agree.

Yeah. It does. There's not too many times I've ever had croutons, ever. Yeah. Yeah, they're the domain of pretty much the Caesar salad, and that's about it. Yeah. I can't really think of too many other times. Was the crouton just invented for the Caesar salad? That bit like, we need a bit more wild shit.

We need a few more things that make this just an absolute taking the piss of a salad yeah yeah i i you know what i haven't had a caesar salad for a while i want a caesar salad yeah i wouldn't mind a caesar salad yeah maybe i'll get one tomorrow yeah fuck sounds good yeah um hey let me bring this up very quickly uh we've been talking a bit in talking dum-dum about um we there was like two weeks in a row where we mentioned perez hilton and then the other week we were talking about the idea of us having a gossip column on this on this show do you remember that uh yeah have we been talking have we been talking in the future about him or have we no we talked about him with fiona

okay we talked about how she was on perez hilton okay and then we've talked about him with Fiona Okay, right We talked about how she was on Perez Hilton Okay And then we've talked about wondering whether he's still around And what he was doing Okay, right And then we did We have talked Didn't we talk on Talking Dumb Dumb about us starting up a

Yeah, we did That was last week Us having our own gossip section of this show Oh, okay Where we're just reporting on gossip We're reporting to the gossip sites Right Stuff about

To try and get on the Daily Mail again. Right. So anyway, I've got a recording here that I wanted to get to in the actual episode that people just heard. But didn't get the chance to get to it. So here it is. Hello, the little dum-dum club. It's Perez Hilton with some breaking news about Joel and Myth and the truth about Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth calling it quits. Well, it turns out Miley has been in a secret thruple with Joel and Myth.

And when Liam found out, he said, I am having none of that. I'm cool. I'm progressive. But no to this. And that's the tea. Joel and Miff are behind the Miley and Liam split. You heard it first on the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Perez Hilton loves you.

That's actual Perez Hilton, by the way. How the fuck didn't you bring that up in front of them? What the fuck's wrong with you? I lost faith in it. What? How could you lose faith in, honestly, and this is full credit to Joel, but I love Joel,

but if you play a recording with his name in it, he's going to be all over it. Oh, yeah, true. He would absolutely love that. I cannot believe you didn't bring that up. So you know how I got it? Because we'd been talking about him and then about a couple of days later, someone had sent me the link to something else on the site.

I was on that website Cameo. Do you know that site? Yeah. So he's on there. He's like the number one thing on there, the first thing that came up. Oh, really? And I was like, oh, this is funny. We were just talking about him.

Right. I'll get a video of him. Right. Costs 45 bucks. Yeah. Right. So I do this yesterday, lunchtime was when I found it

and I put it in. We're doing the ep tonight and I think, fuck, I hope I've left enough time for this. Like a day and a half. I might not even get it back in time and then it's a complete waste of money.

I send it off, no joke, within literally a minute and a half. I might not even get it back in time. And then it's a complete waste of money. I send it off. No joke. Within literally a minute and a half. Wow. Notification in the inbox. Wow. So he's just sitting around. He's just sitting there on his couch.

Just, just wait, just waiting for these things to come in. And then just, and I didn't know this at the time, but like the Miley Cyrus, Liam Hemsworth thing is like a story that had literally just broken. So I reckon any video request he got that day has got that work. So he literally broke the news of Miley Cyrus, Liam Hemsworth to you via that. Yeah. Fuck.

Cause I just sent him a thing going, Hey, we want to have a gossip section on our website, the little dumb, dumb club. Can you just send us some gossip about our friends, Joel and Miff? Fuck. Wow. And then that's what he went off with geez so 45 bucks to have a to have a perez hilton if that's the he's priced himself perfectly there i think yeah i'll tell you what i'll be

curious if if if listeners have heard that and been inspired and then try and get one from perez hilton see if you can beat a minute and a half see if you can oh yeah yeah let us if you get one from Perez Hilton. See if you can beat a minute and a half. See if you can... Oh, yeah, yeah. If you get one of these people, see... I'd love to know the time involved, if you can get someone as quick as that. Because that's funny, actually. Can we just try and flood our socials this week with people getting videos made from Perez Hilton about us?

Yeah. Yeah. All of a sudden he's going, fuck, maybe I should start talking about them on my website they seem like the hottest thing in australia let's see how many we can get and then edit them all together into a super cut can we start can we make can we make a section of our own website our own cameo i was thinking that so that we we can charge6.90 to do your own video message for us. For just us?

Yeah, for just us. We're not asking friends of the show if they want to be in it? Oh, yeah. Or it's just just us? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because we can just go on Cameo. I think you can just put yourself on it. No, no, no.

We'll just do it through us. Cut out the middleman. Yeah, cut out the middleman and just have us and $6.90 to get any video from me and you or whoever we're doing the episode with that way. Yeah, okay. Yeah. That website, there is some brutal shit on there. Who else is there?

Like just some people on there that are like, it's $5 to get them to do a video. Yeah. Like there's some that are like pretty expensive. Right. There's some people that you've got like they're $400 or whatever to get them to do something. Yeah. Which you go fair enough because they're still kind of current and surely you've got like their $400 or whatever to get them to do something, which you go, fair enough, because they're still kind of current, and surely you've got better things to do.

But then there's just some super washed up, like just, like washed up YouTube personalities. Right. Just grim. I should have a look. I've never had a look, but I am very intrigued by getting someone stupid to say something even stupider. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, fuck. Oh, man, I should be doing that. I should do that for someone's birthday for sure. Oh, yeah, it's great. Find someone absolutely stupid. Look at him. His diet is blue. His diet is beard blue.

Is he in bed doing this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. He's just on the couch in a dimly lit room. Yeah. Oh, God. Well, you know what? Good. He's just on the couch in a dimly lit room. Yeah. Oh, God. Well, you know what? Good.

That's really good. I'm glad that he's got nothing better to do than reply to us straight away. Yeah. That's a good thing. He shouldn't be too busy. Well, he's got $45 of my money. American or Australian? Ah, good question.

I think American. Oh. So that's, what's that, like 60 Australian, roughly? Probably. Something like that? Yeah, something like that. Yeah that yeah yeah and you didn't even use it on the real episode but like that is because if it was slightly higher i would have been like this is not what this is a waste of money right like he probably does get a fair he probably does reel off a fair few of them every day because he's just in the hitting zone where it's a decent amount of money for a minute and a half work.

That's not bad. All right. Let's get on to Joel, our webmaster. Let's get that stuck on the homepage of our website. Dumb Dumb Cameo. What do we call it? Dummy-O. Dummy-O.

$6.90 for a video from me and you. Oh, God. Yeah. No? I can just see this turning into a Like many things A logistical nightmare To actually sit and do all this Yeah sure

Yeah okay We'll figure it out Maybe we just work out a date Where we're going to do them all And you can order them We'll just do them on one day But that's what people do I think I think

Well not Perez Yeah not Perez I've heard of people doing this And they go cool I'll just sit down there for one day And I'll just wipe them on one day. But that's what people do, I think. I think. Well, not Perez. Yeah, not Perez. I've heard of people doing this and they go, cool, I'll just sit down there for one day and I'll just wipe out a morning and go. I mean, maybe it was just for two, just like I just with the time difference and everything. Hopefully not.

Maybe I just happened to get him. Hopefully not. But yeah. Hopefully that's his busiest day. It's just you might get him on the shitter. Yeah. Incredible. Fuck.

He should. Well, you know There's a Where you live There's a There used to be a Hilton hotel Yes But

They've changed At least in Australia I don't know worldwide But then now The brand is called The Pullman So I think Perez Pullman

That would be awesome That's our gossip guy Yeah yeah yeah That's our gossip reporter Yeah Perez Pullman Perez Pullman Maybe I would be awesome. That's our gossip guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's our gossip reporter. Yeah. Perez Pullman. Perez Pullman. Maybe I'll commission another one of him.

Get him to do a character. Get him to do another character. Just get him to do stuff every day. Great. Get him to do an hour and then we just put that out as the ep one week. Great. Yeah. Get him to do 60 of them.

Yeah. Right. Great. All right. Plenty of ideas to follow up on. So there you go. That's the debut installment of the gossip section on this podcast. Man, you're going to have to let Creasy know about that.

Yeah, yeah. I'll send it to him. Yeah. So speaking of sending in money to get personalized messages, we already do a form of that within Talking Dumb Dumb, of course. It's probably where Cameo got their idea from, really. Yeah, right. Yeah.

Of course, we get the – I don't think there's anything unplanned about the – or random about Cameo, but of course, we do. We use a special software. We've got the unplanned title alternator. We read out names of people who contribute to us via our middleman Patreon every month. If you go to patreon.com slash little dum-dum club, you'll find how to contribute to us, how to, of course, get special bonus things sent to you every month, like a bonus episode, a bonus magazine that we slave over.

And, of course, your name is thrown into the little online lottery of perhaps getting your name read out on this show and being immortalised forever. You will never die, in a way. That would be so much better if Cameo ran in an unplanned title alternator kind of way, where it was a lucky dip. You put in money, put the kind of message that you want, and then it could be anyone.

That's good. It could be someone you've never heard of, or it could be like George Bush, you know? That's good. That could be someone you've never heard of or it could be like George Bush. That's good. That would be great. It would never be him, but yeah, it would always be someone shit. But that would be quite good. Yeah, I agree.

Is there opposition to Cameo? Is there like another site that's popped up with just even shitter celebrities? Cameo itself I think is relatively new. So it's probably too new to have like a rip-off but it sure like anything on the net i imagine there'll be you know that some new one will come along where it's like better better revenue share for the people on it right people will jump ship yeah something like that right i'd like to see i'd like to see more washed up people more or more australian people or something like that. Yeah, get some real dregs happening.

Get someone for like $2. I'd love to get someone for $2 and really just know this person is so fucking desperate for money. I'd like to do that. We could farm out this segment of the show to people on Cameo. So we just book someone and we say, hey, can you say something nice about this name? Yeah. And then we just have someone obscure from say, hey, can you say something nice about this name? Yeah. And then we just have, you know. Oh, yeah.

Someone obscure from NSYNC doing it. I like that a lot. You know what? I'm going to get on there right now. I wonder if I can get the same return rate that I got with Perez Hilton and get something by the time we're done with this segment. Okay. Well, get someone super cheap and someone super dumb.

Yeah. And have a crack at that and see if by the final one we can get... Does that mean I need to supply you a name right now? Hang on. Yeah. Do we do one? Do I put one through and then we maybe circle back around to it? Yeah. So we make it one of the last ones.

For sure. Well, okay. Here's who's on here. Prince Hilton is still like the top one on here. Carson Kresley, he's $65. Nah, get a cheap one. Get someone's shit. I don't know if I can filter by price.

Okay. Damn, why can't you do that? Oh, hey, no, you can. Price, low to high. You should be. But I'm going to have to wade through. Okay, I'll just keep going. Just go scroll completely to the bottom.

$25 for Hal Sparks. Who's Hal Sparks? I don't know. That name sounds kind of familiar. Yeah, isn't he like the creator of Malcolm in the Middle or something like that? I don't know. No, Hal's the dad in Malcolm in the Middle. Yeah, fuck.

Hal's the dad in Malcolm in the Middle? The dad's fucking breaking down? No, the character's name. Oh, okay. Is Hal. Oh, fuck. How's the dad in Malcolm in the Middle? The dad's fucking breaking down? No, the character's name. Oh, okay. Is hell. Oh, okay. Okay, now we're getting... There's not that many that are too cheap that are coming up for me.

Oh, really? They're all these people that I've never heard of now. 25 bucks for fucking someone... If that's American, that's basically 40 bucks, 35 bucks, 40 bucks. I'm just scrolling until there's the first person that I... Okay, $65 for Bam Majera. He's not going to do it quick. No.

Give me a $5 or $10 person. I'm trying, I'm trying. What category? Okay, maybe this is better. Actors, athletes, musicians, reality TV, TV YouTubers, comedians, drag queens, influencers, models. Oh, God. Yeah.

Who's in comedians there? Okay. Let's see if there's any familiar names. Yeah, this is a good way of us then being able to go, hey, we've had this person on. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Fuck again. This is great. This is just like a random guy doing a character.

Have a look at that. Oh, fuck. It's someone's... That's what you can get. $5. Oh, $5 for a random person. For someone doing the character of bitchy waiter. Then yes.

Can we do that, please? Typically responds in two hours. So we're not going to get it in time. Can we book it in? Can you record it? Can you add it in post right at the end? Oh, yeah, okay. Can we do that?

All right. Hang on. Okay. All right. Book bitchy waiter. Yeah. All right. Okay. All right. Hang on. You talk Yeah. All right. I'll, um. Book bitching later. Yeah. All right. Okay.

All right. Hang on. You talk while I'm typing this out. Hang on. But you need a name. So I'm just going to hit the big red button on the unplanned title alternator. Yep. And right.

A name's come up. I won't say what it is. I'll just give you the name. Okay. And then you can type it in. Okay. Right. So you've got that.

And then you can type it in. Okay. Right? So you've got that. And then you can send that. And if we get it back in time, in real time, perfect. If not, after the very end when we say CMA, we can add it in there. What should I put for the instructions? So it's like a bit of prompting for like the sort of thing that bitchy waiter should say about this name that you've given me. This person doesn't tip us enough, doesn't contribute enough to our Patreon. He's got a bit of a weird name. What else?

Anything you like. I mean, I'm sure someone as creative as a person that plays Bitchy Waiter will have plenty to say. Okay, I've just said, this is a person who plays bitchy waiter will have plenty to say this is a person who doesn't contribute enough to our patreon he has a weird name please make fun of him yes perfect okay perfect all right um all right don't make this public on cameo wow this is this is exciting enter Enter credit card details. 6969. What? 6969. Fuck, man.

Edit that in post. You can't. Don't. People can hack you, dude. Okay. Here we go. Book now. Great.

All right. And we're off. All right. So we really only need to do four this week. That's great. I mean, if we were. need to do four this week. That's great. Wow, less than usual. Yeah.

Talent requested. Bitchy waiter. Fuck. Talent. Absolutely glued to the inbox now. That's so much more exciting than Paris Hilton. Some fucking idiot called Bitchy Waiter. It'd be great if we look at the video and it comes through and it's just Joel.

It's Joel's side hustle. Oh my God, I can't wait to see what Bitchy Waiter has to say. Who would have thought when I was booking this in at the Sydney airport yesterday that would give birth to an idea like this. Fuck. Great. Just outsourcing all our content. Great. Perfect.

All right. Call centre comedy. Great. All right. Well. That's one down. Yeah. Yeah.

It's nice. It's just waiting for us. You know, like we haven't done one yet. Yeah. But it's there waiting for us at the end. Yeah. You know. Yeah.

Love it. Absolutely love it. It's like running a race. Then it's there waiting for us at the end. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Love it. Absolutely love it. It's like running a race, then it's like, no, the finish line's actually here. You know what it's like? We've lost it already. I mean, just because we've randomly decided it's five this week, and we've already done, we don't have to worry about one. Isn't it interesting how we didn't even say that out loud?

We just both kind of via symbiotic relationship had decided independently that we were really in sync mentally. That is weird. That's very weird. You're right. How bizarre. Yeah. It's a real Twilight Zone territory, I think. But just think it's like, so with one down out of five,

it's just like getting to Thursday and going, you know what? I'm not going to go in on Friday. Isn't that a good feeling? You know what this is? This is like the public holiday of Patreon. Oh, right. This is a real long weekend. Yeah, yeah.

Because you got the Monday off. Right. Okay, great. No, it's that grand final weekend in Melbourne. Right. So you're so used to what the days of the week feel like and then you get to the Thursday and you're like, oh, one more fucking – oh, no, hang on.

No, it's the other way around. It's coming tomorrow. It's like the Queen's birthday. We've just – because it's the first one, we've taken that off. So it's the Monday off. So now we're starting on Tuesday going, oh, this feels like a Monday. Oh, I get what you're saying. Yeah.

Yeah. So by the time we get to – by the time we get to number four this week, it's going to be like, I could have done another one, but I don't need to. Let's go for a beer. Let's think of some other analogies of what it's like to be like, I could have done another one, but I don't need to. Let's go for a beer. Let's think of some other analogies of what it's like to just really pat out these two hours that it's going to take this guy to say a video. It's like going to do five things and then not doing all of them, in a way, if you can follow that metaphor. In some ways.

All right. All right. Let's crack in. Let's bend our back. Let's crack in. Let's bend our back. Let's do a little bit of work now. Let's not let our paid underlings do everything. You know, we had yesterday off. You know, we probably went a little bit too hard on Saturday and Sunday as a result.

So we're a little rickety here today. Feeling a bit dusty. It's feeling a bit foreign. A bit dusty. A few too many froths over the weekend. God. Never too many froths over the weekend. God. Never too many, in my opinion. Now it's time to hang out around the water cooler and talk turkey.

Great. I love talking turkey. I love talking turkey. That's what this show, Talking Dumb Dumb should have been. Talking turkey. Talking turkey. When was the last time you had turkey? Not too long ago.

Really? I don't mind getting it from the deli counter. Interesting. Yeah. Sometimes I get a bit of deli counter action of whatever I get, and I think this will be good for the cat because the cat loves the fresh stuff. Bloody duh. At the moment, the cat's over the tin stuff, and she won't eat it.

Over it? Yeah. Wow. Paws down. Yeah. For snappy, Tom. Loves the dry feed. Not so much the wet feed.

Opposite of what she used to be. And now I'm like, fuck. All right. I'm getting deli food for it now. It's all going on around there, isn't it? There's a lot of stuff happening in my place. And so I- That's what's nice about no partner, no family, no one who loves or cares about you whatsoever.

It's a very consistent lifestyle. Right. There's no real big changes. Well, it's not as exciting as the Chandler household where I'm buying a bit of fucking turkey to feed to the cat. I know. Yeah. It's something to look forward to if you ever meet someone.

I love that. Like the idea – are you honest with the deli counter person about this when they're serving it up? There's no form when I have to fill it out as to what it's for. Yeah, like – but yeah, okay. But no, I would wonder would they – you know, if it gets down to some kind of nitty gritty, you know, if they had a couple of different types of turkey,

you know, do you want this variety? And you just having to go, mate, I don't give a fuck. It's for the cat. No, it hasn't got to that. I think, you know what, I kind of thought, oh, this is a normal thing. And then everyone I come in to, you know, talk about this with, they go, what the fuck are you doing?

Were you talking about this with other people? Well, someone else did it. Like, I think maybe talk about this with, they go, what the fuck are you doing? Were you talking about this with other people? Well, someone else did it. I think maybe I was buying it and they go, oh, that'll be nice for a sandwich. I'm like, no, it's for the cat. And they're like, what? You're buying Virginian ham. I'm like, yeah, but the cat wants it.

I would think that would be also, aren't you then buying an incredibly small amount of the ham? No, not incredibly small. How much? How much do you want? Oh, just a cat size? Yeah, just... Just a cat's stomach?

Just as big as my thumbnail. No, I'll buy like five slices or whatever. So they'd be like, oh, that's for a sandwich or two. Yeah. And I like to buy a bit of like, if it looks good, I go, oh, that'll be good. I'll eat some of that on the way home or something. Oh, wow. Yeah.

Okay. One for you, one for me. Just testing it out. See that it's good enough for crunchy. I on the way home or something. Oh, wow. Okay. One for you, one for me. Just testing it out. See that it's good enough for crunchy. I'm the official tester for crunchy. Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah. You ever want to share a little slice with her?

Yeah. End to end? Just yesterday. Yeah, Lady and the Tramp style. Definitely. I just had some nice Portuguese chicken I shared with her yesterday. Oh, you went to Nando's with your cat? No, no, no.

Right. Just deli. Just cold deli meat. I haven't done a little deli trip in a while. Get some meats going. Yeah. Oh, God. I was just thinking about it.

I was thinking about the best sandwich I ever ate. Just before our live show in New York two years ago, I had an incredible sandwich. I was eating it out the front of a deli and it was raining and they came out and the guy came out to like pick up all his furniture and as he was packing it up, I just said, man, just stop for a second. This is the best sandwich I've ever eaten. And he was like, cool, man, as he was getting absolutely drenched and running inside. Yeah, great.

But sometimes you just got to let the world know. Man, absolutely outstanding. I wish I knew where it was. I would totally advertise it To the very few people in New York To listen to it I think you've given enough detail Yeah

More than enough There was rain It was in New York It was a sandwich Yep Alright Number two off the rank this week Thank you to Patreon subscriber

Thomas Talsma Thomas Talsma Yes Now this sounds familiar. Shut up. Have we done this before? I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. Have you ever driven one of those? Talsma. The Talsma? No. Isn't that, didn't Elon Musk invent that? The Talsma? Oh, very nice.

Is that it? Very nice. Yeah. Man, I need to get on a cameo with this. Not quite. Talsma. Yeah. Man, I need to get on Cameo with this. Not quite. Talsma. T-T. Yeah, spell it out for me.

T-A-L-S-M-A. Talsma. Yeah. That is strange. That is strange stuff. Very strange. You know what? I'm going to Google.

You're going in. I'm going to Google. Maybe you'll find that he's on Cameo. Fuck. Thomas Talsma. It's... I've got no idea where that would be from. That will mean something.

I'm sure that'll mean something. Talsma. It's a strange name. It's also... We would have said this before, but going by Thomas. Interesting move. Yeah. Very rare. Yeah.

I kind of respect it. It's a bold man that does that, I think. There's one Thomas Tellsman that lives in the Netherlands, and then there's one that's a cashier. This is via Facebook. There's a cashier that lives in Michigan. Oh, right. Which one do you reckon it is?

I reckon... Do you reckon either? Try and add the cashier. No, I'm not... do you reckon it is? I reckon... Do you reckon either? Or neither? Try and add the cashier. No, I'm not... Try and add him as a friend. No. Why? I don't want to add weirdos.

Could be interesting. I'm going to look him up. Okay. All right, now I'm Googling Talsma just as a thing. I'm going to look up... I'm going to try and find Thomas Talsma on Facebook

and then I'm going to ask him to send me a video of him pretending to be a bitchy waiter. Great. Great. T. Great. Talisman. Oh, I like his profile pic.

Talisman Furniture in Michigan. In four West Michigan locations. Wow. Maybe we're talking to the heir of the Talisman Furniture fortune. Yeah, maybe. Fuck. This Thomas Talisman on Facebook seems to really like anime. He's got a lot of anime photos.

That's probably the one. Yeah. If I had to put money on it yeah interesting i'm way going with an anime nerd rather than the owner of a fucking business a chain of four furniture shops the owner of anything yeah if it will prove it if it's if it's if this is really you thomas tells me send me a settee yeah or send me a jpeg of a of a young woman

with an octopus up her vagina yeah with a huge demon cock inside her somehow thanks Thomas thanks Thomas

thank you to Patreon subscriber number three this week wow the week is just racing it really is it's hump day already. It'll be Friday before you know it. Hump day.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber, check in that inbox. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Anna Wilkinson. Anna Wilkinson. This is a lot more line and length, isn't it? This is back to normal. I mean, this is classic. This is an elegant name. Yep.

You know, there's no, you know what? You know what I hate, Carl? What? This is an elegant name. Yep. You know, there's no – you know what? You know what I hate, Carl? What? Frills. Yeah. But I'm in luck with this name. Right. There's not a frill to be seen.

It's a hot name. I like it. Really? If I was talking to someone and they were going to school and I'm like, who's the – you know, you're at school. It was always like who's – everyone was in agreement, the hot girl at school. Right. There was a standard hot girl at school.

Do you have that same thing? Yep. Yep. Who's the hot girl at school? Anna Wilkinson. I'll be like, sounds like it. I can totally see that. Yeah, I see what you're saying.

Yeah. Yeah. So like a friend that you didn't go to school with is being wistful about their school days. Yeah. And they're like, oh, the hot girl, Anna Wilkinson. You're like, you know what? You don't need to tell me anymore in this story. You can stop it right here.

Get it all. Someone was like, oh, you should have seen this absolute dog face. I went to school with Anna Wilkinson. I'm like, something about that story is jarring. That doesn't sound right, dude. I think you left school too early. I think she blossomed into some stunning sort of of like uh scandinavian looking model yeah yeah well anna let us know are you hot or are you absolutely busted beyond all

let us know crawl out of the swamp and get on facebook and let us know yeah yeah either let us know from the swamp or the catwalk let us know if if you're any good or not. We're all in either one of two places, aren't we? We're all on the catwalk or we're in the swamp. Never a truer word said. Are you a swamp thing or are you Claudia Schiffer? Which one are you? Let us know. Let us know.

I'm on the catwalk, but I'm trying to get back into the swamp. Life was easier on the swamp. Right. It's too much pressure up here under the bright lights. Too much walking straight and turning around. Yep. Yeah, let's just wallow in mud. Ah, that's the dream.

Yep. Thanks, Anna. Let us know. Refresh. Boy, we are racing through these. Oh, fuck. Should we be going slower? No, I feel like...

Now, that was a hot one. There's no need to do any more on any walk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure. That's... Man, if we could get came. There's no need to do any more on any walk-ins. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure. That's... Man, if we could get cameos back at that quality from the bitchy waiter, I'd be very happy. Let me view... Because they put like a little demo video on their page.

Oh. That you can have a look at. To just give you a bit of a flavor of what you can get. Can we get a bit of an audio taste? Can we? Personalized video message from me. This is the place to do it. And believe me, it's going to be really special and from the heart.

I'm just kidding. This guy doesn't sound bitchy at all. He sounds a little bit bitchy, but... That was his thing of being bitchy. You know what he doesn't sound? Waitery. No, not at all. That's not waitery.

I want to hear the sort of clinking of glasses. I want him to edit in some sort of ambient sound effect to make it sound like we're in a restaurant. You know what I want to hear? The specials. Because you get to review it and you can write back and go, what the fuck's this? Oh, really?

Yeah, so maybe I'll do that. Maybe I'll hold his feet to the fire if it's not to my liking. Okay. I'll go, what's this bullshit? All right, all right. I'm into this. I've got to get it on fucking Cameo. I liked his impression of being bitchy, though, that was just like,

yeah, it's going to be really good. Just kidding. Yeah, yeah. Me, yeah. Yeah, not. Incredible. All right, thanks, Anna. Thank, not. Incredible. All right. Thanks, Anna.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber Justin Turner. Hmm. Yeah. Very line and length again. Well, this is more line and length than Anna Wilkinson, I think. You know, that did, you know, it aroused some, let's say, emotions. Anna Wilkinson, whereas Justin Turner is just some sort of middle management, sort of a guy by the sound of it to me. Yeah.

Yeah. Dilbert style, clip-on, thing around the tie. Still uses a business card. Yeah. Handing me a business card. Mate, don't give me a business card. Where am I going to put that in my fucking wallet? No.

I'm not holding on to any business cards, Justin, if that is your real name. I'm just looking up now. I think the bitchy waiter is an actual thing. I think he's an actual, like a known thing. Really? He could be for five bucks. Because I just looked at one of the reviews on here and it says, John loved it. It turns out his girlfriend is a huge fan of yours.

Oh. So now I'm on- Where do we know? I'm on www.thebitchywaiter.com. The Bitchy Waiter, how would you like your burger cooked? Never mind, I don't care. Darren Cardoso is The Bitchy Waiter.

In 2008, he started a blog as a way to release the frustrations that come with being in the world of food service. Writing stories on the internet about annoying customers would better than poking the annoying customers in their eyes with forks. Today he's the voice for restaurant workers around the world, saying out loud what most people in the restaurant industry are only allowed to think.

So he's a blogger. White stuff typically known for their ability to hold back. He lives and works in New York City, maybe he knows that sandwich shop, and enjoys the Brady Bunch, the Facts of Life and cocktails almost as much as he hates your baby. Oh, God. This doesn't sound like a very nice guy at all.

I'm not sure if we should have been giving him our money. Yeah. He sounds quite rude, actually. Yeah, he's probably just going to spend that $5 on fucking Brady Bunch DVDs. Yeah. He's probably going to use that money trying to get Marsha to send him a cameo.

Justin Turner. Yeah. I just looked him up on Facebook just to see if a cameo. Justin Turner. Yeah. I was just looking him up on Facebook just to see if we've got any mutual friends. It turns out he's the third baseman for the Los Angeles Dodgers. Wow. Yeah. Cool. A guy with 91,000 fans, I presume.

Well, with an unusual name like that, I mean, I'm sure there can be only one Justin Turner. So that's pretty cool. Yeah. He looks like a pretty cool dude. He's got a big beard. He's got some kooky glasses on. Hopefully, if we go back to the States, he can get us Dodgers tickets. He can get us tickets to watch him play in the baseball.

Near third base. And we can go, thanks, Justin. We can finger each other. Yeah. And we can... What? Third base. Oh, yeah, third base and we can go, thanks Justin. Yeah, we can finger each other. Yeah, and we can, what? Third base. Oh yeah,

third base, right. You rube. Yeah, right. You've been out of the game too long. No, no,

no, I just always called that first base. Oh, right. So a bit like, a bit like what we've been doing here on this today. Yeah. You start with one at the end.

Yeah. It's the public holiday that was marabara like i you know you'd meet a girl and then straight to that and then afterwards oh maybe i can get a kiss out of her as well so so the kiss is like kind of more that's that's more like illustrious yeah yeah that's that's last that's like uh the real icing on the cake because it's like that's that's pretty intimate whereas just the the fingering is just like, well, you know, of course. We just, you know, we know each other now. We've met a minute ago.

Yeah, right. Let's just do this. That's fascinating. I'm not even near the diamond. I'm just batting off in the car park. Right, right, right. You're in batting practice in the nets. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jerking off. Thanks, Justin. Thanks, Justin. Go the Dodgers. Thank you to Patreon and The Last for this week. Until we add someone in post, of course. Yeah. Hopefully.

And look, it said two hours. There's not a lot of lead time between recording this and putting it out. Yep. So if the episode was significantly late uploaded today, guys. Yeah. You'll know why. Yeah. Thank you to our final one.

You and I's final one. Sure, we've got an employee working on this in a little bit. But our final one for the week is, thank you to Patreon subscriber Imogen McInnes. And I'm going to say, if I don't mind commenting first before you even get to have a go. Sure. Up there without Anna Wilkinson. Hot name. Hot name.

I think Imogen, very hot name, I think, in general. Absolutely. Yep. Absolutely. Yep. I don't think I've ever met an Imogen, but hot name. Yep. I agree.

And classy name as well. Like, it's like, I hear Imogen go, that is a hot name, but I've never heard of any sort of strippers or porn stars called Imogen. Yeah, I mean, it's not, you know, there are hot names where you go, oh, I'd love to, you know, oh, I'd love to go to fourth base with her. Yeah, yeah. You know, whereas Imogen, you go. Kiss, you mean.

Yeah. Oh, I'd love to go to a fancy base with her. Yeah, yeah. You know, whereas Imogen, you go. Kiss, you mean. Yeah. Whoa, I'd love to go to a fancy ball with her. Yeah, yeah, totally. I'd love to see her really dolled up, you know. I'd love to find out what her shade of lipstick is. Yep, yep. Man, hot and untouchable. So, and McInnes.

Do you think she's related to William McInnes or Gavin McInnes? Who's Gavin McInnes. Do you think she's related to William McInnes or Gavin McInnes? Who's Gavin McInnes? Gavin McInnes is the guy who started Vice, who's now like real right-wing and fucked. The fucking... Proud Boys. Dickhead. Yeah. Yeah, right, with the beard or whatever.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, man. That would break my heart. That would suck, wouldn't it? If you found out hot Imogen McInnes is going out or married to Gavin McInnes. Oh, no. Yeah, bummer.

Well, I mean, it'd have to be. It'd have to be married to him. Yeah. You don't take someone's surname a month into dating. That would be cool. That's pretty cool. That's cool. Hey, look, you're just saying to your partner, hey, look, you know what?

This isn't to say that i necessarily think we're gonna get married yeah but i gotta i anytime your phone comes your name comes up on my phone i'm loving what i'm saying and look i'm along for the ride yeah this isn't necessarily me saying we're gonna be together forever but while we are i want the name yeah going all in i i can totally agree it's like, you know, sometimes like in school when girls would go out with guys and then start, you'd see them like practicing, you know, writing their name with a new surname. Oh, yeah, yeah.

It's like they do that and then they go, you know what? That looks so good. Let's just do it now. And it's like you say to the boyfriend, there's no commitment from you. I just like this name so much now. I'm just going to do this. I'm practicing for my pen license by writing this out. Yeah.

Yeah, I like it. Man, I have to say – Unless that's what's happened here because that would ruin the hotness of Imogen. And again, I don't know. The Imogen McInneses I'm looking up on Facebook right now, I don't think even any of these people are the people that this is. Because they're ugly? No, no, no.

None of them are ugly. Oh, wow. They're all pretty good. Maybe I'll go in and have a look. What a name. Image. Of course, we're not encouraging people at home to stalk people or anything like that. We're doing it, but you should.

Woo, you were not wrong. Yeah, I told you. What a name. This is so fucked up. Be careful with a name with such power like that. Yeah, yeah. The baby comes out and it looks a little bit munted. Don't give it a name like this.

Do you think maybe there's some kind of like international federation of Imogen McInneses where they're monitoring. If they get a whiff of a McInnes having a kid, they're like, what name are you thinking of? Yeah. And I don't know how they work that out. They look at mum and dad. Maybe they just look at mum and dad.

The mum and the dad, they're both fives. Maybe stay away from the Imogen. Don't waste this. But the mum's a nine, the dad's an eight. Go with Imogen. That's an interesting question. What's the hottest child with the ugliest parents? You know sometimes when you see like some whacked out celebrity

who's had a fair bit of work done. Look, you can see one of those people with a heap of work done. You go, oh, that's so weird. But you then have to sort of go, yeah, but look, it's made them a lot better. For sure. They're trashy hot, but they're hot. Yeah.

And then they have a kid and you go, oh, that's right, that's not genetic. Yeah, yeah. So you've gone from a five to an eight or a nine, thanks to plastic surgery, but then you've had a kid and the kid's going to be five it's only fair that at a certain age you get that same plastic surgery done to the kid yeah because they've gotten a bum deal they've grown up their whole life looking at you going well that's what i'm in for yeah how good is this going to be when i fully develop i'm going to have gigantic rock hard tips yeah yeah yeah that never move yeah it's like the kardashians though like you know

like kyle is it kylie jenner kylie jenner like so you had the older ones and you know they've all had work done and they're good looking girls and plus they've had heaps of work done as well but then kylie jenner's like 15 and just went oh you look nothing like them because you've had nothing yeah no work done you're the before photo yeah Yeah, you're, oh, you poor thing. And then all of a sudden she's hit 16 and gone, actually, give me the works. I've got to catch up to big sis. And now she's just one of them. Yeah.

Brutal. Imogen McInnes. Thanks, Imogen. Hot name. Thanks, Imogen. All right. Well, that's it until the post-production. So what do we do here now?

Do we just set this up and say, we're inserting the first name now, aren't we? I reckon we just finish the show and then leave it as a PS. Okay. As the last name. Unless, of course, somehow it hasn't come through by the time this has to go up. What do we do in the event of that? Okay.

How long is the maximum time it says? It says usually within two hours. Okay. So it should be, I mean, we're recording this at night. There's time difference. I probably will have it by the time I'm going to put this up. Yeah, you'll have it. Hopefully.

But we're not going to be able to get together and do anything about it. All right. If it doesn't turn up, I need Tommy Daslow's bitchy waiter to close the show off to him. Oh, interesting. Yeah. Well, what if – okay, what about this? We sign off, we leave a gap where I'll edit it in, and then now just for safety, we just both do a bit of bitchy waiter

just in case it hasn't come through. You know what? No. You want me to just do it in isolation? No, no, no. Either that or you find someone else that can do it straight away

and just surprise me. Oh, okay. Well, you're never going to listen back to me. Oh, yeah, you're right. No, I've got faith. The Bitchy Waiter is going to come through first. Because we're recording this at night. It's about to be morning in America.

The Bitchy... I refuse to believe that Perez Hilton or Perez Pullman has got less to do than the bitchy waiter. That's true. And by the time this is all being put together and everything, that's like 12 hours after I made the request. So that's surely to God. If you're saying within two, 12 should be plenty. And this guy's charging himself out at $5.

He doesn't have a lot on. But maybe he's so popular because he's so cheap. Oh, maybe. You know? Look, it's pointless talking about this because I feel like we're going to close the show. We're going to finish the show right now. But this is creating drama for the listener as well. Yeah, right, right.

They don't know if they're going to hear anything at the end of this. Yeah, but they're looking at how long there is to go on the episode and they're going, I reckon this. Wow, the bitchy waiter went on for 45 minutes. Sticky feet. Yeah. All right. All right.

Well, folks, thank you very much for listening. LittleDumbDumbClub.com for the tickets to our upcoming stuff. And if you do feel like chipping in to my remaining two weeks fundraiser for the Children's Cancer Institute of the run that I've already done, please feel free to do that. We'll be back next week with another episode. Hobart, the stand-up show, November the 23rd. Get a ticket to that.

It's before the live podcast, so just come on today. It's us plus guests. So it's going to be a fun hour of a bunch of us doing stand up. Yep. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you mates. I wonder if it's going to happen right now.

Hey it's me the bitchy waiter and I have a message for you Mr Comedy. Apparently well it doesn't seem like you're contributing enough to someone's Patreon page. And, you know, if you're going to sign up to be a member of a Patreon page, well, you've got to contribute. That's the whole point of it, Mr. Comedy. Yaka, yaka, yaka. Is Mr. Comedy your real name or is that a nickname?

Because either way, it's pretty funny. Come on, man, contribute.