The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 469 - Nath Valvo & Nina Oyama

Episode Date: October 1, 2019

We've nearly finished our Comedy Exams so we're joined by NATH VALVO and NINA OYAMA to plan our upcoming trip to Schoolies (after finding out that our upcoming live podcast on the Gold Coast is happening on the same day) as well as diving into each of our own memories of that magical week of adolescence. We've also got an update on Tommy's long running mission of relieving a bull, as well as some cautionary tales involving livestock PLUS we pitch themed laundromat ideas and Nina's had a complete creep slide into her DMs! PERTH! We're coming back with our yearly massive show. October 13, 4pm.GOLD COAST! Our first ever live show up there. November 16, 2pm.HOBART! We're heading down for the first time for a live show in a small venue. November 23, 5pm.We've also added a stand-up show in the same venue at 3pm.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dum Dum Club, a brand new episode with guests Nina Oyama and Nath Valvo. We have a bunch of live stuff coming up around the country. littledumdumclub.com is where you can find information on that. We will expand upon that at the end of the episode, but until then, enjoy this great new one with Nath Valvo and Nina Oyama. Hey mates, welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us.

My name is Tommy Dasolo. With me, as always, is the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, Dickhead. I just hope this can live up to the pre-show talk. I mean, we've talked about pornos. We've talked about sexual harassment in the workplace. Excuse me. We've spoken about the lack of sexual harassment and how I've never sucked a dick for a year. Please welcome to the show, Nath Valvo, to start with.

And I was saying how I would, wouldn't we all? You've been annoyed that you haven't been fingered, as it were, on a line-up to be harassed in the workplace, in the comedy workplace. Like, it's rife within the industry and it's awful. And I've had many girlfriends that have had, you know, they've had it laid it on to them, whether it be come have a drink or this is my home. Someone I know has one of those old school showbiz stories. Okay, just stop talking about me in the third.

Two things. I've had someone tell me they've had the this is my room number story. Like that's even happened to people. Right. It's never happened to me. Okay, so two things. Two things. I've had someone tell me they've had the, this is my room number story. Like, that's even happened to people. Right. It's never happened to me. Okay, so two things. First of all, Nina Oyama is also here. Hello!

And secondly, so do you think, are you offended by that in the sense that you think it's, you haven't been harassed because you're not pretty enough? Thank you. You've nailed that. Or the thing of, you know, do this deed and you'll get a TV show. That's not happening. So do you think it's because they're going, well, he's not talented enough to do that? You know what I mean? Which part are you

more... Well, I wasn't thinking about the latter until there. I don't think anyone was. Do you mean like not talented enough as a comedian or not talented enough at sucking dick? Oh, interesting. I don't know which one is more offensive to be honest with you because I've been working on both for quite a while. So, I don't know which one is more offensive, to be honest with you, because I've been working on both for quite a while. You've done the open mic scenes of both.

When did you feel like you really went pro? Sign up, bring a friend. You never forget your first bomb, I'll tell you that much. Just silence. That's rough let's move on from that that's inappropriate and very offensive

to people that are dealing with awful stories in our showbiz industry so if you are one of them I apologise and I retract that comment but if you are

in the industry and you have some power I will suck you up yeah we have some big wigs that listen to this good good they can hit you up

yeah what would you yeah what would be what would the offer have to be? I'd have to sit down with my partner and talk about, you know, what are the restrictions of how far I can go. You'd have full transparency in the relationship. Of course. I'd have to sit down with my partner, Cody, and say, how far can I go for us to get a

house? Yeah. Right, right. Oh, so now you're doing it at the real estate agent. It's not just in comedy. Right. It get a house. Yeah. Right, right, right. Oh, so now you're doing it at the real estate agent. It's not just in comedy. Right. It is a very competitive market. I will pay my rent up front

for two months and I'll suck your dick. Yeah. I like that, going to an auction and just going straight up to the agent and being like,

you know what, we could fuck around with money but let's be honest, that's child's play. Most important thing about real estate is location, location, location and that is your dick

in my mouth. I just feel like this opens up a whole new market in the gig economy. Like, fuck money. Why don't we just pay each other in cums? Oh, yeah, right. Pay each other in cums? Instead of, like, drink vouchers or anything like that, it's just liters of sperm.

Exactly. Sex, you know? Yeah, tasker, but of sex. Yeah, you know? I need someone to bloody mow my backyard. Uber fuck. I'll do it for a blowie backyard I'll do it for a blowie I'll do it for a wristie

Jim's wristies Yeah, cum is like It's sort of like the original cryptocurrency It's really simple Your value of your cum as a person Kind of fluctuates Cum coins If you're careful, there's no trace

For women, there's no trace. For women, it's clip coins. This is all good. Great. We're changing the world. We're fixing the world economy. Perfect. Can't wait for the barefoot investor to get into this.

The bareback investor. I think we've made that joke on the show maybe a dozen times. It's always good. In context, it finally works officially. Yeah, we were working backwards. Nina, you were telling us outside about you went on a work trip to the Gold Coast a little while ago. Does it get any better than that? No, it doesn't.

Because we're about to go on a work trip to the Gold Coast. Oh, wow. We've just announced a live podcast. What a coincidence that you would bring that up with me on this very show. Uh-huh. Yep. Yeah. So I think it's pretty much sold out.

Well, it will be sold out by the time people hear this. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's interesting because Tommy's organised it, so Tommy's done a great job organising it. Right on, Tommy. Thank you, everyone. Yes. Will you get a bigger cut of the door sales?

No, I did a lot of dick sucking to get it off the ground. Yeah, yeah. So... Great. So, you know, usually I do a lot of the organising.

Tommy's stepped up here magnificently. He's done everything. There's great stuff from Tommy. Very hard working. Here we go. Jeez. A big old run up here.

Mum and dad are having a fight again. It's almost like you understand the templates of comedy. So, done everything. Great. Wheeling almost like you understand the templates of comedy. Done everything, great. Wheeling onto the tarmac, here he goes. And full stop.

Anyway, what else is happening? No. So then we put it on sale, everyone buys tickets or whatever, and then we just get a flurry of people going, you know that you've booked this in for the first day of schoolies. Oh, very convenient. For overseas people, this is what happens happens schoolies is the concept of everyone finishing

like year 12 in school and then all taking off and having going crazy going hog wild going like what's the equivalent

in America spring break and I think it is spring break and I think most do go to the Gold Coast like I went to the Gold Coast from Melbourne

and we all went up right okay that's like the place yes exactly and there's different weeks as well. Like the first week is Victoria, the second week is New South Wales and the third week is Queensland.

Oh, really? So it's just like a whole month of teenagers in the Gold Coast. So this is what I did. Different teenagers every week. Yes. So this week is the Queensland teenagers. Oh, boy.

So these people don't even have to travel. Yeah, right. They're the OGs. Well, hopefully they'll be not too out of control because they're probably thinking this is our home state. So these people don't even have to travel. Yeah, right. They're the OGs. Well, hopefully they'll be not too out of control because they're probably thinking, this is our home state. We don't want to trash it too bad. We're in our own lounge room.

As if you're hoping they're not out of control. You planned this. This is your plan. I didn't plan this at all. This is your plan. I didn't plan this at all. You're going to go up there and this is when you're going to be lying about your age,

getting up there going, oh, look, everyone. I'm little Tommy Daslow. I'm 17 years old. The word you're looking for is toolie, by the way. Yes. Sorry. That's a common concept, again, for overseas listeners of the older person

travelling to schoolies to try and pick up young students. Under the excuse of recording a podcast. Yes. Right. That's what it means. There's actually a lot of podcasts coming up at the same time. Exactly. I think a few years ago on the Gold Coast, a lot of high-risers on Surfers Paradise,

they had to ban something because someone threw a watermelon or something off a balcony and it killed someone. Oh. That might not be true. Or it did injury. That is a weird thing to make up. No, no, no. I remember something.

I remember something happening with balconies and watermelons and schoolies week. I think someone just fell off or something. Yeah, I think someone just straight up died. Maybe I threw watermelons off when I was there. Maybe you were eating a watermelon when you heard the story. Maybe you put a watermelon in the microwave and then cut a hole in it. Maybe.

And I also then know a few years ago when the government were like, we're going to take these schoolies seriously. We need to look after everyone. So now I think the law is when you go there on schoolies, you have to wear a pass around your neck the whole time. Oh, yeah. So people know that you're on schoolies. Oh, right.

I think that's what happens, right? Yeah, it's also so like people – so there's like red frogs. People come to take care of, you know, red frogs. So they're like carers. I don't know what. Oh, they're like volunteers, like Christian volunteers that that take care of schoolies when they're too drunk. So they'll take you to a tent and feed you pancakes until you sober up and then they'll make sure you get home safely.

You see them at music festivals and stuff as well. They kind of help kids out that are taking too many drugs and freaking out. Yeah, and they give them pancakes. That's my favourite bit. I thought you made that up. No, no, no. They strictly give you pancakes. Is that the new black coffee?

Is that sober you up if you just go down to the pancake parlor and get a few short stacks of maple syrup? It's like, I'm right to drive, everyone. I don't know. I feel like it makes you feel like it's been their business model for many years. Right. Taking the drugs purely so you can get the free pancakes.

Oh, yeah. Just racking up going, God, I could go some maple syrup and ice cream. Is that the new give blood so you can get the cookies? Just take a VMA so you can get a short stack? But I feel like that would be wasted because if you take drugs and you're never hungry, then you wouldn't want to eat the pancakes anyway. Yeah, true. Or you're like sending it back.

Can we get a bit more cream on this place? Fucking disgrace. Would it kill you to chop up some banana on there? This is what I love about Australia and schoolies, that they saw that so many mostly underage teenagers, I suppose at 17, were getting so fucked up, instead of stopping it, they came up with an idea to have volunteers going around to give them free food.

This is why I love our country. The food of children? Like, who eats pancakes? No one understands eating a pancake. Yeah, that's very true. And why are they called red frogs? Because I think the first version of it was they would give those red frogs... The lollies.

Yeah. Right. So now they should be called pancakes. Yeah. But they wear red T-shirts as well, and the T-shirts have frogs, so it's quite an iconic symbol. Well, since we're going to be stuck there on schoolies... And by the way, so that...

Stuck. Stuck. Stranded. You'll be stuck to something, I think. Something will go off in your pants. You're going to go up there. Are you going to dress as, like, put school uniform on? Or a red frog?

Tommy's going to dress as a red frog. Like, never been kissed style, so I've got, like, a skateboard under my arm, like, hat on backwards. Hello, fellow kids. Yeah, this whole week. So that comes up, you know, on the social media. People point out that we've organised this for the first night of schoolies.

And then knowing that we had this podcast recording coming up, it's just been me stealing myself for four days to be put on blast and having to vehemently deny that I had any prior knowledge that these dates aligned. But since we're there, maybe, you know, maybe we get our own kind of charity thing going. We'll be out there. We can go out there, mix it up with the kids.

We're up there on potties. That's our end of podcast season trip. Yeah, so the week before that we have potty muck up day. Yes, yes. I come in here and just throw toilet paper at you and isn't that every podcast you're just doing it in a dress this time yeah yeah right but so we could maybe we could be you know we could do a thing where we're trying to take care of people who've had too many you know we if we're saying we don't think the pancake is an appropriate i'm on parties

i want pancakes i want to get a pancake so you're gonna go hard yeah you're gonna absolutely go for it you're gonna be chucking a watermelon off a balcony. Yes, totally. Well, because my plan was, because the show is at two in the afternoon, my plan was we do the show and then I was going to hang out that night. Again, we'd, yeah, is that the earliest podcast we've ever done? Two o'clock?

Maybe, yeah. So from what I know, there's going to be heaps of roadblocks and stuff up there. Is that what happened when you were there? It's like a police state up there these days. It was quite a long time ago. Because of all the dead kids on the balcony. Too soon?

I went in 2001. So what should we expect? That's quite a long time ago. How old? No, just kidding. That's why no one wants you to suck their dick. I'm too old. I'm gay old. 35 is, yeah, you're done that's ancient right yeah you're straight it's not as bad don't worry i'm woman old i'm 26

i'm white and straight i'll live forever yeah so are you right so you're got you're on surface that's where you're gonna to be doing your potty on surface paradise that strip I don't know where we are

we're pretty damn close I think you're probably on it Cavill Avenue that's the big one

I don't know if it's still there but I know that everyone goes to shooters is it called shooters or

something that's like the big club that might not be there anymore I'm not sure all the. I don't know.

I'm not sure. All the information I think we have is collectively in Tommy's head, which is 16-year-old girls are going to be there. Yes. I cannot wait... Educated ones. I cannot wait to be watching the 6 o'clock news. They cross live every year to schoolies.

There's always that reporter on Cavill Avenue at midnight with everyone behind her screaming, and there's Tommy. Tommy behind them twerking. Right. Yeah, flossing. It is really, like, tailored to the boomers. Like, the stories every year about schoolies, it's like, look at what the fucking kids are up to now.

It's just, like, kids setting a bin on fire and, like, just rooting in the street. I didn't go, though. I went to Byron Bay for schoolies, so I'm not familiar at all with the colours. You've been a boomer your whole life. Yeah. Yeah. That was because it was one of the – it was most people i knew when i finished school went to byron gold

coast wasn't a popular destination all right for my group of friends yeah what did you do did you go did you go off yeah we all caught the train up what the fuck is wrong don't ever book a holiday organized by 17 year old guys uh there was like 20 or 30 of us that took a train. It took three days, I think. The train took three days. Is it just one train or do you have to stop? It sounds fun. A train always sounds good.

The idea of being on a train is romantic and fun and different. There's the bar. Really? I always feel like it's associated with murders. And there is that. Murder mysteries. That happened off the balcony with the watermelon on carriage too um but then i remember getting on the train and it was horrific and awful and uncomfortable and by bar they mean it's cans

and a fridge and then chips like just crisps and then it was awful and i think most of us this is what you know middle class people with parents that have jobs did, got to schoolies and I remember we all called our parents and made them book us a flight home. Oh. I remember that because we refused to get on that train ever again. Use those velocity points. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it was a Jetstar flight and I remember we all flew home.

But, yeah, we had some cool adventure, you know. Three days on a train, it'll be sick. I think that sounds fucking horrible. Have you caught a train? You've been on a fucking train in Melbourne? We thought it would be a different train to the... And it wasn't. It was just like a shitty tin can

with ripped up seats. But a guy that smells bad. So anything to look out for? So did you go at all? Yeah, Tommy. Yes. You just got me on a leash walking me down the avenue. I'm just going nuts like the Tasmanian devil. Like snapping at people.

But you didn't go, Nina? No, I dropped out of school. Oh, did you? Yeah, I dropped out of year 12. That would be great. Going on your own schoolies the day after you drop out, just like in July. That would be sick. But no, I was too poor.

Yeah, right. So, yeah, it was good. And then I did graduate school the next year at like a weird TAFE college. Oh, really? Yeah, and then after that I just – You're a mature age student. I was still like 18. No, no, no.

Are you allowed to just quit? I don't know the laws. Is it after 16 you can just quit school if you want? Yeah, you can be like, bye. Is it like 16? You can just go on out? Yeah, you can just decide not to. I think...

That's cool. Well, that makes sense because heaps of guys dropped out in year 10 and they all go off and become... They go and do tradies. Yeah, because they all become tradies. Right. And they're all the ones with more money than any of us.

Yeah. I had a mate that dropped out and it was in like year 10 or something to go and do a trade. But I don't know if I've talked about this before, but do you know the term when people used to say, oh, I've got my ticket now. I've got my ticket.

Like you would learn a trade and that was like a metaphor saying, oh, I've got my ticket now. Meaning I can, you know, once I've dropped out, I've started learning this. That means I've got my ticket to success. My ticket to easy street. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. I've got my ticket now.

But my mate for some reason dropped out and said, it was like I've got my ticket now. But my mate, for some reason, dropped out and said, it was like, I've got my ticket now, so I can sort of do anything. It was like, what do you mean? It's like, well, I dropped out, I started doing this trade, so now I've got my ticket. It's like, do you think ticket is an actual thing and now you can go to Mars if you want? And he honestly, he thought it meant you could go and do whatever you want now.

I was like, no, no, no, that just means you've got, you can do your shitty trade that you learned when you were 16. Imagine learning to be a concreter and then being like, oh, I can be a lawyer now. Exactly. He thinks it's a skeleton key. Yes, yes. Like a key to the city. Like a master key. Yeah, yeah.

One size fits all. Right. I lost my key. I've been locked out Of good careers For ages So you got your ticket? No

I never had a ticket I wanted to drop out I was really keen to drop out My parents wouldn't let me Why? Really? I just hated school My parents told me to drop out

They're like from the age 16 They're like you should drop out Because you'd be like Better off working at Maccas Instead of doing school Because I had like Asian parents That made me go to tutoring And I think at some point they just realized that like

no amount of tutoring would make me smarter or better at school and so then they just like straight up gave up on me right and then they just want to farm you out and get 12 dollars an hour out of you yeah that was the dream but they like signed me up for my own centrelink and so that's how they're like we're not giving you anyone who like here's your centrelink like get the fuck out of here. Your parents doing the sign up for you is sick. Yeah. When I was 18 they like moved me out of their house. They're just like get out.

Well there's your ticket. Yeah. It's a centrelink form pre-made out by your parents. It's great. To go back quickly, Carl, did you go to schoolies? No. Had schoolies been invented when you finished school? See that's.

Burn. I don't. Look, I think in Marborough... What's Maryborough? That's where I come from. It's a small town of 8,000 people in country Victoria. Surprised you haven't heard of it. I'm surprised people didn't use that as a destination for schoolies. There's like a main street and everything there.

It's like people from Maryborough go to Ballarat for schoolies and vice versa. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a swap over. Yeah, I don't think there was... I don't think there... there certainly wasn't a culture in the year of people that, or, I hadn't really heard of it, no. Did you have muck up day? Yeah, sort of.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, there wasn't much going on. Yeah. Do you just not remember? Like, you just sat there, like, struggling to recall. If you remember schoolies, you weren't really there. Hey, your boyfriend's older than me. Is he?

Is he? He's 42. Oh, he's not then. He's right on. Is it because I wrote that he was 50 in my Twitter feed? What a pick-up line, Carl. I just thought it was a better number. Right, right. So your boyfriend's older than me. That's the worst pick-up line I've ever heard. Do I have to? You can use that

as schoolies. Well, when I went on schooliesies I didn't fuck I found it like Such a stressful week Of like going up there And the whole thing is like You have to root You have to root on schoolies

Oh yeah I had a friend who like As if he was literally like Out of a fucking teen movie Went and bought A case of condoms Oh wow Funniest thing I've ever seen

He gets in And he opens up his suitcase And it's just like Fucking lined with them And you do the maths And you're like We're not here For that many hours

For you to get through Even half of these I just imagine It's like You know when In like mafia films When they had those Suitcases full of money

And they're like Lining across And it's like All duregs It's in Pulp Fiction Where he opens up The suitcase And they're just

Just these fluorescent condoms. White glow. I don't think everyone was getting roots. It was definitely the number of people you were kissing. So it was about

getting your number up. So we'd all go down to the beach, the foreshore. Just kissing. Yeah, but you've got to get your number up. So you'd go down

to the foreshore, all of us, and then it would be like, what are you on? You're on six. Oh, I'm on 12. I didn't even do any kissing. It's so cool.

It's just why you're coming back like 30 years later to reclaim. It does feel a bit like that. It's a make good. It's a do over. You are going to be Rodney Dangerfield in Back to School. This is a Farrelly Brothers movie. A man in his mid-30s going back to school. You're like 21 Jump Street,

except instead of being a cop, you're going to get arrested. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. We're talking about, like, how funny, imagine you going back. It's like, no, this happens all the time, and police are there to stop it. That's true. 21 Jump Street.

That guy, the guy with the case of condoms, just the most fucking embarrassing dude. Like, we were staying a little bit out of town, and we all get a cab in on the first night. We get in and the cab driver goes, we're two boys. And this guy, this mate of mine, he's in the front seat.

He just turns to the driver and he goes, take us to pussy. It's just like, Jesus. Oh, man. Even being like 18, you know, the prime audience actually find that good. We're all just absolutely cringing our asses off. The taxi driver's like,

I know I'm in the Gold Coast. That's too far away from here. Are you serious? I you serious i'm gonna use that now like take me to pussy i'm like going out to yaya's on a thursday night i'm like the driver's like we're gonna i'm like take me to pussy that's actually not bad you hop in a cab and you just and you say take me to pussy and then they go what do you mean and you go it's up your interpretation. You take me to wherever you think that means. So if there's a club that's particularly popping, you can take me to a brothel, whatever. This is like a psychology, like an inkblot test.

You tell me what you think pussy is. And then the cab driver just drives around the block 100 times and then charges you 200 bucks. Yeah, I treated you like pussy. I just fucked you. That's what we need. That's how we get this podcast to go into the next level. We need to have some kind of viral challenge that we can get going.

The little dum-dum club take me to pussy challenge. Get in a cab, say that to the driver and see what happens. Do you know how many people... You know those airport tickets? We can go to the airport and do a lottery ticket where they... Oh, Mystery Flight? Yeah, Mystery Flight. But it's like pussy flight Flight, Pussy Mystery Flight.

Who has them? Can we do a live podcast somewhere and then get onto Google, Google Maps, change wherever we are to name to Pussy, so then whoever is coming to our show gets in Uber and goes, take me to Pussy, and you're like, what are you talking about? Just do it. They type in Pussy, oh, it's 120 Exhibition Street in Melbourne. All right, I guess we're going to Pussy.

How do you think Google Maps works? It's not open source. It's not Wikipedia. You just get on there and edit. We know at least one person that works at Google. Oh, that's very true, yeah. That would be sick if Google Maps was, like if you could just edit it and go, I'm just putting a waterfall in there in the middle of the city.

Googlepedia. I think you've got Google Maps confused with SimCity from the 90s. You know, guys call it push and then you get a hurricane come, right? Do you know what? I cannot stop thinking, I've got a child now

and I cannot stop thinking that it's like Sim City. That's all I can have in my head about it. I'm like, you're having a child? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a child

is like having Sim City. I hope you don't treat your kids the way you treat your kids. Sims. Oh, yeah. The Sims is the one where you like

with humans. You can't control the people. Sim City is just architecture But yeah I know But I never played The Sims I just played Sim City So that's all I know

So you look at your daughter And you think skyscraper Yeah yeah I'll build that taller I'll build that thing taller If I do the right thing Right I'm the mayor of this child

Yes Skyscraper It's better than father Yeah I'm the mayor of this kid If I keep feeding this child More food I will It'll have another story on it In the next couple of weeks It is weird that you called your child It's better than father. Yeah. If I keep feeding this child more food,

it'll have another story on it in the next couple of weeks. It is weird that you called your child Carly's Great Town. Very weird name. I would have thought it was more like a Tamagotchi. Oh, yeah. But you would have been too old for the Tamagotchi craze. I think maybe about right. Maybe. I don't know.

What year is Tamagotchi? I'm not sure. Yeah, when were they? Late 90s, I think. I feel like I was in about grade six. It was early high school for me, so when I was in like year seven, year eight. That's like late 90s. They keep trying to bring them back.

I saw one. They were on sale at JB Hi-Fi the other day, and they had them positioned as you're paying at the register. That's cool. And there was like a five-minute point where I was standing in line thinking, I'm going to get a Tamagotchi. Of course you are. I'm going to bring back the Tamagotchi. And there was like a five-minute point where I was standing in line thinking, I'm going to get a Tamagotchi. I'm going to bring back the Tamagotchi. And they know that.

The fact that it's at the counter, it's a last-minute thing now. It's like you want a Choccy or a Mint or a Tamagotchi. That is rough because that is a long-term commitment. And they're just putting it like an impulse buy. That's a commitment. That's a life. Like a digital child. Yeah, exactly.

Hey, Tommy. Yes. Now, I life. Like a digital child. Yeah, exactly. Hey, Tommy. Yes. Now, I've been here in the last week or so. I've noticed that you're washing machines here. Yes. It's in the main room. You're in a studio apartment. Is this called a studio apartment?

I don't think it technically is because there's sort of that wall there. There's sort of a wall that separates the workbench in there from the podcast studio. From what I believe is now called pussy in there. Yes. From the podcast studio. From what I believe is now called pussy in there. Right. By the way, I don't think referring to the bed as the workbench will ever not be funny. Yeah. You know, like, I kind of, when I was younger, I thought, oh, what a shame that there'll come a point in my life where I don't find this funny anymore.

And, you know, 33, it's still good. It's still good. I was at my friend's house the other day and she was doing it. She was giving us a tour of her new house. It's even funnier when a girl does it, I reckon. Oh, no, totally. Sitting down to go on the old workbench, I'm like, God, this rocks. I've never heard this phrase before. Really? Yeah, it's the first time I've heard it. I think it's way funnier

for your girlfriend, if you had a girlfriend, for her to call it the workbench because then it implies that there's no pleasure happening. Right. This is purely work. She's just getting down to brass tacks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, the workbench is in there and I am... The cum economy, I'm telling you. The workbench is in there and I'm very much unemployed at the moment. I'm self-employed.

Your parents should sign you off for settling. So we're in the podcast studio, in the masturbatorium, in the work part of it. Now, your washing machine is in here, but feet away from us. Now, is someone broken into your washing machine? The door is ripped off the hinges. It's on the ground. Yeah. And it's just a very oversized glory hole at the moment.

Not for me. I barely fit. I'm very snug. Yeah. It looks like a gape With the butt plug Falling out Oh yeah It looks like I was just

Fucking desperate To do some washing Just ripped the door Clean off its hinges Yeah So this So yeah That came off the other day

And because the Washing machine Was in the apartment When I moved in So then I have that Great thing where I have to Like go through The real estate agent

To get it fixed up Right She takes a week To get back to me It's like I cannot get anyone To come in and look at it So I've had to I've been having to like Take my laundry where I have to go through the real estate agent to get it fixed up. She takes a week to get back to me. I cannot get anyone to come in and look at it. So I've been having to take my laundry up to a public laundromat. Or take my laundry elsewhere.

Storming out of my own house. Do you feel like you're in a short film every time you're at the laundromat? Oh, man. I went up to the one. Do you guys know? You probably don't, Nina. My Beautiful Laundromat on Brunswick Street.

My Beautiful Laundrette, isn't it? Maybe, you're probably right. Because it's named after the movie. Right. Why did you say you probably know it, Nina, as if I'm always doing my laundry? No, no, I said you probably don't know it. Oh, okay.

But it's been on Brunswick Street. I thought it was a personal attack. No, because he fucking stinks. He's got dirty clothes. Yeah, got him. And isn't My Beautiful Laundrette like a queer film, right? Yes. I didn't know it was a film.

Yeah. Oh, right, okay. How old? 20 it was a film. Yeah. Oh, right. Okay. How old? 20 years? 25, I reckon. 20, 25? It's supposed to be pretty good.

I haven't seen it. It's on my list. It's a cult movie. They should just have it on loop in the... Yeah. In it. Either that or name other laundries

after cult movies. Have you seen in Brunswick there's a laundromat? Maybe we've talked about it on the pod. There's a laundromat that's a Sex and about it on the pod. There's a laundromat that's a Sex and the City themed. Oh, that's awesome.

It's in the corner from my house. Soap and the City, it's called. Soap and the City. Oh, that's so good. And they just have Epps playing there on a loop. What's the concept?

They just play the show. Is there anything else? I think it's, is it? Do they really? I was, I, Because if so,

I am going. Yeah. I looked at a house, I looked at an apartment like next to it and I was waiting there. I got there really early. I was waiting for apartment like next to it and I was waiting there I got there really early I was waiting for the

agent to turn up and I could just hear fucking and they were playing it so loud like I was on the street and I could just hear

Mr Big going off from in the laundromat I'm like this would drive you insane would it or is it my dream place to hang in but that makes sense

because in the very beginning opening credits of Sex and the City the bus drives past her and she gets mud splashed on her face. There you go. Sorry, Nathan.

No, that's good. I was just thinking in my head, I just thought they were committing to the name. Someone in the meeting said, hey, Soap in the City. They all had a giggle, locked in. I didn't know they've gone as far as to commit to a screen and playing a DVD. Meanwhile, across town, Samantha was doing a few loads of her own.

and playing a DVD. Meanwhile, across town, Samantha was doing a few loads of her own. I would like, that should be, like every laundromat should be themed on something because it's such a boring place. You've got to sit in there. You can take a laptop and do some work, but it's inconvenient. I think Vietnamese restaurants need to give it a rest now. There's enough faux names. Oh, my God, and Thai restaurants as well. There's enough Thai names. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's enough. Oh my God,

and Thai restaurants as well. There's enough Thai names. There's enough. Let's move on to the laundromats. We've got to lift their game. Even having it, I would, if there was like a,

if there was like Soapfeld, you know, the Soapfeld themed laundromat, I would, even if I had a washing machine at my house, I would never use it. Oh yes.

The Soap Nazi. That'll go down well in Brunswick. Seinfeld. Seinfeld. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What soap Nazi. That'll go down well in Brunswick. Sign fold. Sign fold. Fold it up after. What would the Friends one be? The one that washes your clothes. Oh, yeah.

No, yeah. The one with the clothes. Because traditionally you would have pizza parlours or fish and chip shops that would have a pinball machine or electronic game or whatever. So, yeah, they need to give you fucking... Spice it up. I have noticed in my... Years ago, for a year, I had to do a laundromat.

Maybe about six months, longer six months of my life. I did notice that laundromats have done absolutely nothing to keep you entertained. At no point has someone gone, we could put something in here that would make some money to entertain people. You've nailed it there. Pinball machine or just something.

There is never anything in there you're right when you're getting the change putting the note in and getting the coins out because something's happening there's movement there's a bit of color it's like oh this is thrilling oh yeah yeah that's like the closest to a video game yeah you always win it's paying out i used to go to this laundromat in richmond because i used to live in richmond and there's one called 24 hour laundromat and it's open from 6am to 1pm. It's open from a very short window of time. What that means is, but it is there. It is there 24-7.

Yeah, but it's not open. They don't condemn it. They don't move it around. It's funny though, there's absolutely no need for it to ever be closed. The laundromat should just be 24 hours. It's just a room with appliances in it. Yeah, it's actually a pain in the ass to close it because it's like it runs itself

and then someone's got to come along and lock a door at some stage. Right, yeah. What a pain. So I went in there the other day to this one on Brunswick Street and it's sort of up the kind of sketchier end of Brunswick Street.

So I go in, I'm already pissed off because it's like taking me days to get any response from my real estate agent. She's just not getting back to me. I'm like, fuck, I've just got to do some washing. So I load up a duffel bag. I walk up there. I go in and there's just a guy just sitting there.

This homeless looking guy just racking up lines in the middle of the laundromat. There's something to do. Of soap powder? What's he doing? I don't know what it was, but it was like, I just look around and it's like, oh yeah, this is just because of the area of the street that it's in. There's like a lot of...

You're like Channel 10's that way. There's like a lot of, you know. You're like Channel 10's that way. Was he like a homeless Mr. Big thinking he was doing lines of cocaine, but he was at the wrong laundromat? Yeah, maybe. Yeah. Bit of a meth-y kind of vibe. Maybe they weren't even cocaine.

Maybe it was just like washing powder. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were like little blue bits in there. Well, then, I mean, I just left. I just left without doing the washing. Oh, really? Which then I got home and I was like,

what was my problem? Like, oh, no, this guy's gonna steal my underpants. Even if he did, so what? What surface was he using? An actual machine's surface?

he had like a, what did he have? He had like a, the floor. He had like, he was sitting there with like bags of stuff. You know,

like he was clearly homeless and just like cutting all his stuff. What time of day is this? This would have been, this was like mid with bags of stuff. What time of day? He was clearly homeless and just carting all his stuff. What time of day is this? This would have been... This was like midday, I guess. Well, fair enough. He needed somewhere to go. These places are unstaffed.

I looked around and it was like a fucking skid row in there. There's just all people seeking refuge from the elements. It's like, this is a fucking gnarly laundromat. That is... I believe it's maybe over the road from some commission house. It is, yeah. Brutal. So yeah, still...

Still stinking. Maybe it was like a... Still stinking, yeah. It was like a shelter-themed laundromat. You just didn't know. I'll tell you what, though. It really makes you look at the world differently. It's like, when you don't have easy access to a washing machine,

say you're eating a burger, right? And it's really saucy. And you can just, you know, it's like when you don't have easy access to a washing machine, say you're eating a burger, right, and it's really saucy and you can just, you know, it's like the stakes are so high. It's like if I spill anything on this, I'm

fucked. You go there at 45, so are you now just going there and actually taking it really easy so you're not sweating and stinking up any of

your clothes? Yeah, I got told that my muscles are looking really defined by the trainers at my gym yesterday. Hang on, you go to the gym? Yeah. Wow. And I thought I'd have a little joke. Well, they're muscles are looking really defined by the trainers at my gym yesterday. Hang on, you go to the gym? Yeah.

Wow. And I thought I'd have a little joke. Well, they're obviously not looking that defined. I thought I'd have a little joke with them. I was like, yeah, I've been juicing, been getting on the steroids. No response. So then they just walk off and it's like, oh, well, they think that's genuine. Yeah, yeah.

No, totally. That's their world. Right. You know, for you to say that in the world of comedy, that's funny. But in that, that's just what they do. But isn't that, that's their world. Right. You know, for you to say that in the world of comedy, that's funny. But in that, that's just what they do. But isn't that, that's weird though, like getting on the roids but then still paying the weekly fee to go to F45? Yeah.

Or do you do that to just keep up appearances? Yeah, maybe socially. Oh, yeah. I think that's, it's pretty social, isn't it, F45? Relatively, yeah. You get partnered up with people. From my very limited knowledge of F45, I thought these were the people that don't do steroids.

Like F45 was kind of... It was like cross-fit. It's like the subculture of the gym. It's the positive, giving each other hugs, your muscles are defined. We can all do that. I thought that's what it was. I have a few mates that do F45 and cross-fit

and they're all just like, oh man, everyone's just so supportive. Yeah, it's like a cult. Yeah, it is very supportive. It's a good vibe. Yeah, so I don't reckon there's mates that do F45 and CrossFit, and they're all just like, oh, man, everyone's just so supportive. Yeah, it's like a cult. Yeah, it is very supportive. It's a good vibe. Yeah, so I don't reckon there's many people on roids there. Yeah. Okay.

But, well, until now. Until you come along. I can't wait for the rumours to spread like wildfire at the gym. You know that guy with the stained clothes? Yeah, yeah. The stinky guy. He's on roids. The stinky guy with the shriveled dick.

Nini, you've just come back from LA, from the City of Angels. Yes, I have. Were you doing acting courses? No. Fuck no. I'm not an actress. You've acted in things. Yeah, I have, but I'm not like a proper actress.

Well, that's why you would go to acting classes. So that you can do it. It's got you there. But Screen Australia basically sent me and a bunch of other film people to do seminars, basically. So it's not that exciting. So maybe change the topic. But it's cool.

Because you know what I actually thought it was initially? I thought it was that thing that is, I believe there is something on this every two weeks, but apparently it's once a year. I'm like, get fucked it is. G'day LA. Oh, yeah. That seems to be on every week.

You know, it's got Nicole Kidman and... Yeah, all the Australians that live in LA all get together and hang out. It's like fucking... John Travolta's there every year. Yes. G'day LA in front of that photo board. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He turns up because he flew a Qantas jet once and it's like, oh, we all knew Australia.

Yeah, with Oprah. Was there like Oprah fans in the plane or something? Oh, and he was in Grace with Olivia Newton-John So he's got that awesome connection Right, right There's the link There we go Couple of long bows

He's played a character that fucked a character who was played by an Australian Is she Australian in the film? She's not Australian in the film Nah That's a long bow She does have an Australian accent in Grace Because she's a bad actress Yeah, yeah, yeah

Is anybody else's Sorry, go off We'll get back to Get ALA in a sec. Is anybody else as intrigued by John Travolta as a human as I am? Or is that just a

I think a lot of people are. I find him to be an extremely intriguing individual. I love his movies. I know nothing about him. I like that he's I think keep it that way because once you start digging

it just gets so dark, man. You know, is he gay? Is he not? Is he a Scientologist? Is he not? I like that he's now out and proud bald man. That's what I was going to say. Is he bald gay is he not is he a scientologist is he not like i like that he's now out and proud bald man you know visibility really matters for us that's huge no but no very interesting because yes because of that i mean i guess people are always intrigued about people's sexuality or whatever so that was a big one for travolta but then there's the the

scientology thing as well because then it's oh, have they got that on him? And that's why, you know, there was that big laugh. Scientologists aren't allowed to be, there's no open gay Scientologists. No. So I think Scientology teach you to deal with that so you can be successful. That's what I've heard. Right. But I also heard, which is incredible, that a Scientologist is the, I've never watched it,

but who's the main actress incredible actress in The Handmaid's Tale Elizabeth is this going to end with you being annoyed that Ron Hubbard has never asked you to suck yes

I will totally suck him off just to be included in some sort of group F45 don't want me no that's the other cult they call Nixim what's her name what's her name from that one

Elizabeth someone the lead actress from The Handmaid's Tale she's a full blownblown Scientologist. Yeah. That's blown my mind. Look at the show she's on. Yeah, I don't know anything about it.

Oh. Sorry. It's a very similar thing. People watch The Handmaid's Tale and think it's all a bit of commentary on things like Scientology and stuff. And any sort of organised religion and anything that makes, you know. So, but maybe she's in there. Totalitarian society. makes, you know. But maybe she's in there. Maybe she's in there as a Scientologist and their idea is. Elizabeth Moss.

Thank you, Elizabeth Moss. Maybe their idea is, you know, we'll get people interested by it being this kind of commentary slash critique on Scientology. Right. But what we're actually doing is inserting some subtle messages in there. Who knows, man. Because no one's going to watch it if it's just open Scientologist propaganda. So I'm bored. Whenever I hear a celebrity is a Scientologist, I automatically like them so much more and

I'm so much more intrigued by them. Are you actually? I'm like freaked out by them. No, it's not out of joy. It's just like, what? You are? Tell me more. You know what I mean?

Someone told me Kate Sobrano was once and I don't know if that's just like Australian showbiz rumour. Yeah, no, no. I think that's a fact. I want to know, man. I want to know. That's rare. The Aussie Scientologist. You don't really hear rumour. Yeah, no, no, I think that's a fact. I want to know, man. I want to know. That's rare, the Aussie Scientologist.

You don't really hear about them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because where is their base in Australia? Is there a base anywhere? There's a few in Adelaide. Yeah, there's a bunch in Sydney. There's a bunch in Adelaide,

CBD. Yeah, you see the big building out the front. There's a snake on the S. Isn't there like a snake S? I don't know, maybe not. I'm confused.

Anyway, was John Travolta in LA was my question. Oh, no. I didn't see him there. Oh, yeah, did you see anyone? No, because I was supposed to go to this thing called Australia Rocks the Pier with a bunch of other shows. But we all got too fucked up.

There'd be so much coke there. Australia Rocks the Pier. Yeah, it's at Santa Monica Pier and all these Australians go. Like who? Were they big names? People who couldn't get into G'day LA. Josh Lawson or something. Oh, so it's not like a Contiki tour where the bus stops at this pier one night.

No, no. For all the Aussies. Australians in film book out this thing. I don't know. We had like another like business drinks the night before, but we all ended up getting like super smashed. And so because we had like a full day of seminars starting like seven in the morning going till 10 at night that like the next day and then we went to go to santa monica after that and we were like fuck that

shit man like we're going home to sleep you stood up josh lawson well i didn't know he doesn't know who i am so he does now yeah speaking of people who want you to suck their dick no i'm kidding joking i don't know. So you didn't see anyone famous? I saw Taryn Manning from Orange is New Black. That's the only person I saw that was hugely famous. That's something. That's cool.

She's cool. She looked methed out as fuck. Was she doing her laundry? Yeah. And most importantly, did you learn anything from the seminars, Nina? We need to know. Did you come home and you – I learned all the secrets.

I sucked so many dicks. What's the secret to Hollywood? I'm a Scientologist now, so I can answer any question. Film Scientology. Right. You really are painting the worst picture of this trip. It's so dull. Well, it was just like a lot of information that is boring for me to tell you.

Did you eat good food at least? Oh, yeah it's so many tacos yeah if you know what i mean but yeah it was good it was good someone's gone on toolies the workbench it's okay i lied and said i was 18 you know just like um just to follow up on something that i that we've been talking on the show for a little bit about and we talked about it last time you were on. Uh-oh. This idea of me masturbating a bull. Oh, my God, the live podcast.

Yes. We talked about it in the other week. That came out of nowhere. No, it didn't. This is all we've been talking about for about six months, to be honest. The idea of you masturbating a bull. So the show is on Patreon. People can support if they want.

We got some money from a young man who told us that he had gotten the money by selling sperm from a bull on a farm that he worked on. The bull's name was Juggernaut. Yeah. Pretty low-grade sperm because he was like $5 a month. Yeah. Like a Spotify subscription. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Spermify. dollars a month. Yeah. Like a Spotify subscription. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got carried away in the heat of the riff and then offered to go and masturbate this bull in order to get us a bit more money. Hot. For a job.

Just to get into the cattle industry. Yeah, of course. Here's your foot in. Sperm economy. Just to warm up for schoolies. It all comes down

to cums. So we had a Perth show booked in I contacted the guy because the bull is in WA I contacted the guy who owns the bull

to say hey we've got this lined up does the bull have a name juggernaut also you're going to masturbate juggernaut well so

is it gay for you to masturbate a bull that's a good question are you now part of the LGBT community yeah interesting Nath what do you think

I'll have to see the footage. And we'll discuss. The committee will get together. So yeah, I hit up the guy and he goes, you can't do it. Juggernaut's moved. He's moved to a separate farm that's like way out. You can't have access to him. He's playing hard to get.

He's playing hard to get. Did you get ghosted by a bull? Yeah. I did. Left me on read. Brutal. So then I brought this up on the show like a few months ago and saying like I've been wanting to find a replacement bull to masturbate

because I said I'd do this. I feel like I owe it to the listeners to follow through on this. I think you do too. I've been contacting. No one's requested it, but yes. Yeah, it does feel a bit like that. I've been hitting up, like looking up, you know, farms that do this and having to like...

Hang on, you're looking up... You're Googling farms that let me come and jack off their animals. Pretty much, yeah. Sending emails and having to be... Because I got... Hang on. You sound a bit desperate. I've got a lead.

I've got a lead because there was that farm in the news that had the cum explosion. Yeah. We're very well aware of that. Every single listener that's ever listened to this show has sent that to us at some stage. And, you know, whatever. Fine.

It's in the wheelhouse of the show. It's the people sending it to you like a week after the story went up and it's like, come on. Like, check the date on this. Of course we've seen it. Come on, mum. So, yeah, I've been hitting up farms. Get out of my room, mum.

I saw the story. I've been hitting up farms uh yeah surprisingly enough not having a lot of luck because i got worded up that you know that anyone from the outside coming in so to speak they would be very weary weary of because it's like what's this is this a yeah how are you wording these emails i'm trying to make it sound like i'm i'm basically trying to make it sound like, what's this? Is this a... Yeah, how are you wording these emails? I'm trying to make it sound like I'm... I'm basically trying to make it sound like I'm Louis Theroux. I was going to say, I would love to know the subject line. I don't care about the email. Going to second base with your cow.

Like, what is the subject line? You think that's second base? Isn't that second base, Hansa? Is it with an animal? I don't know if it's the same rules. Fucking hell, what's a home run then? Deep anal. Double anal. Double anal.

Deep anal. Did you just say Mr. Hands? Yeah. Oh, you've got to be wary of Mr. Hands. And this is probably why they're wary of these emails, because of that documentary. What's Mr. Hands? You don't know Mr. Hands?

No. What the hell? We can take it in turn, telling the story. You can take it away. A lot of things being added to the to-watch list. Including you. You're on a to-watch list.

For the police. But it's a guy that got... Fucked to death by a horse. Yeah. And there's a video of it. And you missed it. I like how Nina was taking too long with that story.

It's a story of... I was going to say it in a more poetical way. I'm so ladylike. He made love to his... You'll love this story. And this was in a show I did a long time ago. I should bring it back maybe. So, do you remember back in the day when your friends would go to Bali

and get burnt DVDs in bulk? Classic. Like they'd come back with like a 50 pack. First time I went to Thailand, which was only six years ago or something, I came back with the bulk pack of DVDs. Right. And your family,

if your uncle were going, would actually do orders and go, what did you want? And he'd get his little pen out and write. Hang on, and you said to your uncle, I want Mr. Head.

No, absolutely not. But I did want Harry Potter, right? So, I can't remember what year this was. Someone got me the Harry Potter DVD in Bali, and like a million others. It was always Fast and Furious as well. Whether you liked it or not,

you got Fast and the Furious. Again, another summation of what's going to happen in Perth with Tommy and the Bull. And it had the Harry Potter cover on it, which was always photocopied in plastic. We all remember this. And we put the DVD on, and the DVD was not Harry Potter cover on it, which was always photocopied in plastic. We all remember this. And we put the DVD on. And the DVD was not Harry Potter.

It was a documentary, which is now on YouTube, about this Mr. Hands guy that got fucked to death by a horse. Yeah. Masquerading as Harry Potter. How old were you? I can't remember, right? And so it was not that long ago because I wasn't that young. What's Voldemort doing to him? I don't know. And then the punchline in my show was I'd play that,

remember the message, have you ever rented a video that wasn't quite right? Yes, I have. How long into this did it take you to realise? I don't think Hagrid's turning up. So that's how I know about Mr. Hands is there is a documentary about this man in this video and if it's real or fake or whatever. And I think it is on YouTube. I think I found it on YouTube. know about Mr. Hands Is there is a documentary about this man And this video And if it's real or fake or whatever

And I think it is on YouTube I think I found it on YouTube So who is Mr. Hands? He's the guy He's the guy that got fucked to death Because he used to like sneak into horse stables And get fucked by them But then one time he got fucked to death

Oh Yeah And the footage is of him Yeah And I think he even like He wants it to Like he's up for it It's his legacy He's up for it he's up for it. It's his legacy.

He's up for it. He's up for it. It's his K-San. It's his biggest hit. It's his Naysan. He always, just a sugar cube up his dot. Come and get it. He always closes on it.

Anyway, if you've got a few minutes To spare tonight Do yourself a favour And go and check out This story So his actual name is Hans? No I think it became that I can't remember the story But why

Why is his name Mr. Hoofs? I don't know I'm not interested in the horse fucking I want to watch this doco To find out where the name Mr. Hans comes from Yeah yeah yeah Anyway so there's some homework

For you all But continue on with your story Right so Yeah not having any luck With getting onto these farms and finding some I can't wait to see the documentary about you after you pass it. So then a listener gets in touch with me and goes, hey, I'm a vet. I'm good friends with a guy who does this kind of stuff. Do you want me to put you in touch with him?

I say, yes. This guy lives in Esperance, right? So I go back and forth. So how far away is that from Perth? yes, this guy lives in Esperance, right? So I go back and forth. So how far away is that from Perth? Esperance is you can get a Rex flight that takes about an hour and a half or it's like an eight-hour drive.

Sounds like the name of like a kid from an anti-vaxxer. That's what I hear. Esperance. Esperance. Esperance is in his quiet place right now. So, yeah, I go back and forth with this guy. He takes a while To kind of Line it all up with him

So anyway I have Confirmed this Before we do our Perth live podcast I'm going to Esperance for the day God

This guy is going to Take me around A complete stranger He does this for a job right And also So the weird thing is Trying to get in touch With farms and stuff

And say that I want to go in And then And being very like I can't make it apparent That this is a comedy thing i don't want them to think i'm taking the piss yep i get on the phone with this guy right i finally this guy was like not getting back to me and then i finally get him on the phone and um i'm like oh hey mate thanks for thanks for calling me back uh it's nice to finally chat to you um how are you what are you doing and he goes this is his quote, he goes, oh, you know, just business as usual for me today,

just drowning in spoof. Like, this guy fucking gets it. Like, he's got a sense of humour about it, right? Like, so he's like,

yep, this date works for me, I'll come pick you up, we'll spend the day going around, I'll show you how to jack off balls, I'll give you the full masterclass, so yeah. What a day. He's going to give you the day going around. I'll show you how to jack off bulls. I'll give you the full masterclass. So, yeah. What a day.

He's going to give you the full masterclass. Is he going to make you practice on him? I mean, this is the thing. I'm kind of... I'm talking about it here. I'm putting it on the record that this is what I'm doing. Right, right. I'll be in Esperance on these dates.

If we have any listeners that are in the area that are happy to do like a... Be a witness. You know you can put the like find my friends thing on your phone so you like geotrack each other if anyone's willing to do that with you because I am you know I'm just going out into the wilderness with this guy it feels like you're a porn actress on a

first shoot and you need someone to come along because you're a bit scared of what the fuck actually happens totally like I'm flying to a regional area so you are flying you're flying wrecks. It's an eight hour drive there from Perth, so I have to fly, yeah. Oh, that would be just ridiculous as compared to jacking off a bull. This whole story.

I like that it's probably a tax write-off though. That's true. I had to go to jack off a bull in the middle of nowhere. I mean, whatever. Give me money, government. It's all content, but man, it is costing me a fucking arm to do this. It's unreal how much it... It costs the same to fly Perth

to Esperance as it does Melbourne to Perth. It's fucking expensive. And this whole story does sound like the opening 15 minutes of a true crime podcast about where did Tommy Dasolo go? Where is he? People had to work on it to go, this sounds too unrealistic.

And it opens with, Tommy Dasolo drowned in spoof. Or did he? Or did he? We'll find out. You're probably wondering how I got here. Any of you guys been to Esperance? I am looking forward to it. It looks beautiful.

It sounds like a place I've done the Comedy Festival Roadshow in. They do go there, yeah. I think I've been there. Yeah yeah. I think I've been there. Yeah, I do think I've been there. Okay, they've got a pink lake apparently. Bubblegum Lake, I think it's called or something like that. All right. Fine.

It's a shame I'm not getting to come along and be part of this experience. Why aren't you going? You can if you want. You're filming it, right? Just for your listeners and also evidence. And also Pornhub. Yes. Yes.

Mr. Hands 2. Yeah. Well, you know, you haven't keyed me in on the organisation of this and so I've got other stuff to do now, unfortunately. Yeah, I figured you wouldn't be up for spending the insane amount of money that it's costing you to go to Esperance. But that's fine. I'll go.

I'll get some footage and stuff. And then we do the podcast in Perth like two days later. It is getting a bit harder to say to my wife why I'm going away from this. I'm leaving my child. And I don't reckon this one would probably cut through. Look, in another world where we weren't going to schoolies three weeks after, it would probably be a lot easier. I know.

I'm going cap in hand to my wife a lot these days and going, oh, look, I know this doesn't sound right, but technically this is work. It's technically work. This is how our child is getting fed. Let's just have a, let's just spare a moment and have a thought and a moment for all the wives in the world now whose husbands literally have to leave for podcast reasons. Yeah, yeah. They have to leave the house for podcast related reasons. We should, that should be the name of this show. This is technically work. Yeah, yeah. I have to leave the house for podcast-related reasons.

That should be the name of this show. This is technically work. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, I'm looking forward to it. Shout out to this guy. Very kind of him to offer to drive me around. And yeah, like I said, sick that he's got a sense of humour about it. Yeah.

So this is someone who you contacted through our show that's a friend of someone? Yeah, so a guy contacted me who listens to the show and said, my friend does this as a job. Do you want me to put you in touch with him? Right. Well, last time I had that thing happen where a listener contacted me and then I dealt with his friend. I just got Liverpool tickets out of it, but you're getting to jerk off a bull.

So, yeah, I think I'm actually feeling a bit better about my part of the podcast now. Yeah, you're coming out on top. Yeah. So I strike this off the list. And then the next thing on the agenda is my do-over for schoolies. And then after that, it's me trying to fuck someone on Christmas Eve in Honolulu. Hang on. To win a bet.

What's this one? This is a new thing in the diary that was set up last week, which is Tommy's going to be with his family on Christmas Day in Hawaii, and I think there's $60 coming his way if he can get sexual relations with a native of the island. Or a tourist. It doesn't have to be a native. Does that make you a sex worker?

Are you an LGBTQ member of the community that's also a sex worker? Yeah, I guess if I'm on a holiday, if you go on a holiday and you have sex, you're so inclusive. You're a sex tourist. Yeah. Yeah, you're being paid from Australia to have sex in Hawaii. That's different from usual, but that's technically you are a sex worker. Yeah.

Sex tourist. Sex tourist. Oh, sex tourist. No, are you a sex tourist if you're being paid for it? That makes you a sex worker. Are you being child trafficked to go to... Yeah. To fuck a stranger?

Yeah. We're doing schoolies from here. We're sending someone over to do schoolies for us. So there's $60 on the line. We did an episode last week with Jen Fricker and Mike Goldstein. on the line. We did an episode last week with Jen Fricker and

Mike Goldstein. Them and Chandler have all offered to chip in 20 bucks if I can make this happen. Pretty big. Do you guys care to kick in?

Of course. There's $10 coming from me. $10? We're up to 70. I said I'm happy to put in another 20 if it's a native. Oh, if it's a native.

Okay. Yeah. I get like a multi-ball payout. Yes. Yeah. Whatever sex move you want to call it. Yeah, sure. Nina, you want to come to the party? Multi-ball payout. Yes. Yeah. Whatever sex move you want to call it.

Yeah, sure. Yeah. Nina, you want to come to the party? It's multi-ball payout. That's literally sex. I've got $4 cash on me right now. All right, $74. I like the idea that, let's say, I manage to pull this off, right?

And then pull yourself off. Multi-ball payout. You're pulling something off. Okay, all right, mate. Coming back and trying to get you on a technicality. I had a wank. You owe me the money. But I like the idea that I come back. Okay. All right, mate. Coming back and trying to get you on a technicality. I had a wank. You owe me the money. But I like the idea that I come back.

I've been successful in it. And then we just like, if I from now on am just getting every guest to get in on the bet. Yeah. And then it's like, we just have to redo the same guests in the same order so I can collect the money. You're going on a date. You find a date on Tinder and you're going out and just desperately saying to whoever's

around, who wants to give me money if I fucking have a route tonight? Anyone? Anyone? Well, that's it. I thought I'd bring it up with you guys because I, who wants to give me money if I fucking have a root tonight? Anyone? Anyone? Well, that's it. I thought I'd bring it up with you guys because I'm not good at dating. I'm not good at online dating. So I need to hit the ground running. I need to work on my bio on Bumble and all that sort of stuff.

Do you guys have any pointers for me? Is anyone good on apps? I've never really used an app. I don't think anyone dates well on apps. I don't know anyone in my life that's dating or in the single that says, I'm really good at apps. Always works out great. I always do real well.

I mean, the gays do because you don't have to worry about anything. But I'm talking about straight people. A couple of previous guests of the show would like to bang on about it anyway. Do they? I mean, sorry, hang on. If you're there for, are you there for, you want to meet someone? Or are you there for a fun time? Well, you know who does well on apps?

Dil. Yeah. Yeah. Is he there for fun times time? Well, you know who does well on apps? Dil. Yeah. Yeah. Is he there for fun times? She gets it. Roots. Roots. Roots.

No, it's a family holiday. So anyway, so you think I'm better to just stick to IRL? Yes. Not worry about the apps? No, I would go apps because I reckon you could – you've got a high – if you just swipe right on everyone, you've got a higher percentage than if you didn't use apps. Well, literally, if you didn't use apps. Literally, if you're not using apps,

how are you planning on meeting someone in Honolulu? Are you just going to a bar? Are you going to a laundrette? Laundrette's not bad. Actually, you know what will make someone really want to fuck you? If you put in your bio, I'm a podcaster. Yes. Fuck international podcasters.

With the link to subscribe That'll Yeah Here's a documentary About me and Esperance Yes it's me Mr. Hands You've got to change The name for the sequel

Master Hands Maybe Jazz Hands Instead of a tiger Like you know how Everyone always poses With a tiger It's like you Jerking off a cat

Oh yeah yeah yeah This is appealing isn't it I'm just now thinking Of Mr. Hands As one of the Mr. Men. It's just like a little angry square and then a little triangle getting fucked by a horse. Yeah, yeah. Just half coated in white. Yeah, yeah.

Well, my life's a fucking mockery at this point. Hey, at least you're busy. That's something. 2019, what a wild year yeah you know what probably three four years ago you didn't have much

in the diary and now look it's chock-a-block there's so much coming up well should we wrap it up for another week I was hoping maybe

I mean I'm springing this on Nina but Nina Nina's got such great stories I know it's just bringing you on it but have you got anything in the chambers

you got any can I talk about that thing I talked about last night yeah absolutely okay so I recently Great stories. I know it's just bringing you on it, but have you got anything in the chambers? You got any? Can I talk about the thing I talked about last night? Yeah, absolutely. Okay, so I recently got a message on Instagram where this guy was like, I'd like to buy your used underwear. Yes. And I was like, no, Tommy Daslo.

I will not. But no, this guy, a random stranger messaged me. What was his picture? Sunset. Oh, great. Great. Here we go. His name is Will.

Okay, I'm not going to say anymore. Right, right, right, right. I hope he doesn't listen to this. Anyway, but he was like – Huge chance. Yeah. I think he's asked me to do it. Probably.

I don't know what he's into, but I was like, no, I'm not that kind of person. And then he was like, well, I'll just –, well, you could still put the money in a package and send it to you and you can put your underwear in a package and send it to me. I feel like you're glossing over this really quickly like this is a normal thing. This is all big events. Yeah, you did this last time you were on as well. You're just like rolling out these wild details of the story.

This is something that we have no – Really? Yeah, yeah. I've never heard of anyone I know... Yeah, was there words like please and thank you and how it was reaching out? So he's posting you the envelope to send back to him. I'll read the message. Here we go.

This is what we wanted. We wanted receipts. Yeah, yeah. So this is someone who's a fan of yours. Have you ever had any contact with this person beforehand? No. In the messages, it's not like, ha, ha, ha, that's a funny post. And then six months later, can you please shit in undies and sell it to me?

Well, this is the thing, because I was like kind of a bit apprehensive and then he was like, I'll give you $300. Well, here we go. That's some cash. And then I was like, yeah, all right. Yeah. I mean, you know, Dazzler would be in. Yeah.

I've got a lot of unwashed stuff at the moment. I'm just posting him stuff going, can you just actually wash this and send it back to me and I'll pay you? You actually need to send me a lot more money than that just for posting. He's like international waters. So this is someone in Australia. They're in Australia?

I'm not sure. You don't know? It doesn't say. I'm not following him on Instagram and I kind of don't want to. But he wrote on the 14th of September, he wrote, Nina, I love you, exclamation point, ha ha. So classic. That's undercutting the love a little bit.

Well, that was at 7.54 and I was like, I was like. PM or AM? AM. Wow. The early bird gets the worm. The early bird got his worm out. He sent an alarm for that. But I just favorited it because I was like, that's quite a nice thing.

That's cute. I'm not famous enough to delete messages or not read them. So I'm just like, fuck yeah. And then at the same day at 4.20 PM. Oh, okay. So he's thought about it. Yeah. He posted, yo, oh, fuck.

It's lower than I thought it was, this price. Fuck. He posted, yo, oh, fuck, it's lower than I thought it was, this price. Fuck. He said, yo, so I know this is weird, but it's a fetish of mine. Yeah. You can tell he's white. And I'm just going to go out and ask it, would you sell me a pair of your worn underwear for like $250 price negotiable? Yep.

Money sent first, no made up. And I was kind of like, no. And then he sent me it's a little bit insulting to go i don't really fancy you yeah i just want your sweat and your underwear i don't want to be but then he sent the shrug emoji like a like the the like the word art thing yeah yeah like the yeah one of the pictures yeah not the uh punctuation one but yeah and it was it's of like a guy with blonde hair, like a kind of blonde hair, blue shirt, shrugger. Okay, yeah, I know what you're talking about.

And then he says, like this message, if you're not keen, reply if you are, haha, willing to up my price to $300 per pair, in brackets, genuinely. Wow. Oh, well, he's not a good negotiator. He's a terrible negotiator. I'm willing to do it to $300.

What are you going to say? No, thanks. I prefer $250, actually. Yeah, I'm like, but I'd even hate theator. He's a terrible negotiator. I'm willing to do it to 300. What are you going to say? No, thanks. I prefer 250 actually. Yeah. It's 300. I'm like, bro, I'll do it for free. It's like gigs, like open mic when you're first starting out. It's good exposure.

Literally, because you don't have your underwear anymore. This time I was like, oh, can you send this to my agent? So, no. Love that. Good. No, I didn't say that. I didn't say that. Agent getting 15% of my grunty money.

Oh, that would be amazing. And knowing agents in this country, they would have told you to do it. Yeah. That would be amazing. They would have negotiated higher though. They would have been like, you know, 600. Yeah, yeah, nice. Not doing anything less. Yeah.

It's kind of technically a corporate almost. Yeah. It pays better than stand up at the moment it really does like it doesn't oh actually no but technically

I'd probably have to wear the underwear for a whole day so that's like 24 hours worth of work for like $300 you want to make sure it gets value for money

you want to really get a good old stank going in those things what is the stipulations is there any like how does this work like does it need to be pretty sweaty

you know like for them to get their money's worth? I feel sick. But you don't want brand new underwear because it's like, well, I can buy that in the shops. Yeah, exactly. But it's also a tax write-off if you do want to go buy some new underwear. Yeah, that's true.

Here we go. Then he offered to send me. How did H&R Block cope with that when you go in there with your... Podcasters and comedians' claims for the year. Oh, Jesus Christ. I want to stay out of this conversation because I don't trust myself to not get carried away in this end of the thing where it's me going,

oh, okay, here's the challenge. I'm going to get used to underpants and put them on my head on New Year's Eve. No, no more challenges for you at the moment because I want you to do them properly. I want you to concentrate on the ones you have on your plate. No underpants until you've finished jacking off the pool. Someone presses stop on the podcast now and then comes back in a month later

and hears the tail end of you wearing Nina's underwear for a guy on the internet for $500. In Hawaii, he has to be a native. Yeah, while jacking off a bull. So you need to wear it for at least a couple of hours, I would say. Well, I haven't figured out what... But I found out he likes lacy underwear. Okay.

He's got taste. He's not some creep. Is he dictating to you, this is how used I want them to be? No, he hasn't said that. We haven't talked about that. But they've got to be yours. So that means out of the $300, that means you're paying for underwear. It's not like you're wearing stuff that he supplied to you

so well he offered to buy me lacy underwear this is the thing so this is the end of the story he buys the underwear sends it to you sends it to me to wear

right and then he sends wear sends wear you'd have to get a post office box for safety it's not that hard to get a post office box I'm just saying

I've never done it before no you're right you can't give him your actual address no you're right because you know what why not because he's a man who wants to pay for your underwear that's why live a little done it before. You can't give him your actual address. No, you're right, because you know what? Why not?

Because he's a man who wants to pay for your underwear, that's why. Live a little. I'll give him my mum's address. You know why? You give him your address, he's going to come around, pinch him off your heels for free from then on. Yeah, but they'll be clean. That's not what they want. They want like a dirty

cummed on underwear. Don't give him the bull when you can sell the milk. You know what I mean? Yeah. Right, the cow. Don't give him the bull juice when you can get the bull for free. And that's the name of Tommy's documentary. And that's the name of the documentary and how we lost Tommy to a bull.

Yeah. Yes. Yes. So, so where are we sitting at the moment? Are we, are we? Well, so basically, well, this is the thing. So he kept messaging me being like, um, what if I buy you lacy underwear? Iacy underwear i was like well yeah i'll wear it and then send it back to you if you want if that's what you're into and he was like yeah and he's like well can i just buy you some lacy

underwear like normally for you to wear normally and i was like oh look i don't really ever wear lacy underwear because i don't wear cotton underwear and then he ghosted me oh he fucking ghosted me so now i'm like but i was already like i was really into the idea of like getting three hundred dollars so now i kind of want to be like hey what what do i have to do oh no what do you want me to do i will i'll do anything i'll wear the lacy underwear i don't care how weird would it be if he blocked your account yeah yeah he's played you beautifully if he blocked your account. Yeah, yeah.

He would get harassed. He's played you beautifully. Yeah. He's giving you a PO box. I wonder if it's like one of my friends or like what if it's like my mum or something being like how to practice my kid. Believe in yourself. You can have creepy fans.

My mum's on like the dark web. Thank you. I love this guy. Look, you would actually be playing our listeners beautifully if you've made this entire story up, because I know there's plenty of creepy listeners of ours who will be like, oh, Nina, please, there's 500 bucks.

I'll take your fucking socks. I don't care what. Oh, my God, would they? Hey, guys, I'm real poor at the moment. Absolutely. My PayPal account number. Let's get it going. Let the auction begin.

Nina's got heaps of stuff on. There's shoes, there's a watch, there's a necklace. There's also Japanese. I know that. The creature t-shirt.

I want your watch. I want it worn. Come on, mate. I want some wrist sweat on it. Is that a scrunchie in your hair? Fucking hell, it is. Take that, please.

Everything must go. We're not, we can't finish this podcast. Including my dignity. We can't finish this podcast until Nina is naked and every bit of clothing is sold. Strip podcast. Well, yeah, good luck with the inbox after this goes out, Nina. That's all I can say.

And same to you. You've made offers on the show. Have I? What were they? Kind of. Your showbiz stuff. Oh, send it in. Oh, of course.

Oh, yes. If you are big wigs out there. Both me and Nate are for sale. Get in touch. You show a bit of stuff. Oh, send it in. Oh, of course. Oh, yes. If you are. Are you big wigs out there? Both me and Nate are for sale. Yes. Get in touch. That's a good point. I have a stand-up special ready to go and I'm ready to psych your dick. Yeah.

If you can combine my two interests and skills, send them over. Right. Send the offer. Is there a dum-dum email? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Done. It's all done.

I've got a lot of dirty underwear and I won't take it to my beautiful laundrette. Right. This has been a productive day. This is technically work. Yes. Yeah. This has been a good business meeting. I feel really inspired. I feel like I've got my ducks in a row, so to speak.

Yeah. All right. We'd better wrap it up for another week. Thank you so much, Nina Oyama and Nath Valvo for joining us. Thanks. Very much. Guys, you got stuff that you want to plug

you've got shit going on do we do I your social medias oh yeah you know Nath Valvo when does this go out this will go out on Wednesday

alright well I'm doing a nice gig and every year I put on a gig where I put comics and we raise money for the resource centre for the asylum seekers

it's always really fun it's called the gang bang it's on my socials come along it's in Melbourne it's a howler in Melbourne it's on October 30 it's always really fun it's called the gang bang it's on my socials come along it's in Melbourne it's a howler in Melbourne it's on October 30 it's already

we already we went on sale yesterday we already sold half of it so like jump on real quick and come along yep that's it really

it's a quiet time of the year yeah yeah you know yeah but you would have just about thought of a show title for your festivals next year well of course but I can't charge people

to come see me do anything about it yet. Yeah, right. But keep an eye out. Keep an eye out. It is that time of the year where comics are like, fuck. Yeah. I've got no material. I've got a brand new show.

I've got nothing left. Got no material. Mine's all just about the panties. Of course. I was like, I wish I had a guy sending me requests for my undies. There's a show in there somewhere. Oh, you will. Yeah, this is the time of the year that guests come on and start just telling stories and

letting us add jokes to it. Thank you. Thank you. I'll give you five minutes. I'm not going to lie. In my head, I had this like, bring back the Mr. Hand story. Yeah. Because I did it years ago when no one saw my shows.

So bring it fucking back. Yeah, totally. Totally. It's back. You heard it here first, guys. My gala bit next year is talking about a guy being fucked to death by a horse. Very nice. Nina, what have you got? I've got a TV show on the ABC

called Utopia that I'm in. It's very clean. It's very nice, good comedy. That's a huge show. I just remembered, you said before you're not an actor. You're acting in that show. I'm an actor sometimes on Utopia. just on TV shows just on the biggest

comedy show on television Utopia I only act sometimes as opposed to those people who are just

24-7 not in between the takes you're not Daniel Day-Lewis okay we get it well no

I'm actually I play receptionist so I'm very method at the moment I'm working part time in reception but I'm no I'm not actually I'm just selling my underwear guys come so I'm a receptionist so I'm very method at the moment I'm working part time in reception but I oh nice no I'm not actually

I'm not actually I'm just selling my underwear guys come on yeah I'm not bringing myself that low to work in reception

yeah fuck that I'm not a dog anyway that's all I've got on follow me on Twitter as well awesome great

yeah nice one keep an eye out for us on Cavill Avenue thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time see you mates

and they've done it again Thanks very much for listening. And we'll see you next time. See you, mate. And they've done it again. Yeah, another good one. Yeah, great one. We are good. Yep. Man, this has been another good year so far. I mean, I think I can start saying things like that.

I mean, does this episode come out in October? This is October now, officially? It does feel like the year is coming to an end, even though there's still a quarter of it to go, essentially. There's still a good chunk of it left to go. Oh, yeah. But I think it gets to the point where you can start to put together everything that you're doing from now until the end of the year, and you sort of feel like, okay, it's nearly done.

Yeah. But it's not. Well, you're planning things that are like in November, december so it's like oh well it's basically now yeah exactly um but man i feel like you know like we've never done a bad job that many times i mean sometimes i mean the first four to six years sure but. But the rest of it, we've been okay. But even, I think, contextually for what our skill level was at at that time. Yeah. You know, we were doing our best.

Yeah. Our best just wasn't particularly good. Yes. I really, you know, there's a bunch of listeners that have sort of been with us since the start. Yeah. Or close to. And I don't know what the fuck they were thinking back then. Yeah.

How did anyone find this early days? Yeah. That's what I have always, I've never been able to work out because we, when we did our very, very first live show, there were people that turned up that we didn't know that had somehow just found it through the randomness of the internet. Yeah. How did they come across it? Yeah.

Yeah. Very weird. Although I am more interested in the people that have dropped off and why. Yeah, good point. Yeah. But, no, I guess what I'm saying is it feels like this year, I feel like we've been really consistent with episodes in terms of, you know, got to the end of them and, you know, I think most episodes

we've made some sort of statement as to it's been a good episode once more. You know, something like that. So I feel like that's been very often that we've said that. I kind of can't remember the first time that we said that was a good one. And then the next week we were like, oh, now that's two in a row. Another one. That same thing has happened again. And then the third week on from that, know we just at this point we just can't

believe it yeah but where did it start yeah um eight weeks ago but i think uh i think this is you know there's no giving me made that this is our best year i mean i feel like felt like i was you know i could probably have said that last year and the year before i think definitely the last three years we've been really very solid really solid. Yeah. But, yeah, let's see what we can do in the next couple of months to fuck that up. Let's not rest on our laurels, so to speak. Let's see if the Gold Coast and Tasmania can break us. But we do have those gigs coming up. Yeah.

We're basically just about done with Gold Coast. By the time this comes out, that'll be done. Yeah, Gold Coast sold out. Really, the only thing that you can still buy tickets for is November the 23rd, the stand-up show in Hobart. Yeah. Weirdly enough, sold out the podcast, but the stand-up half full. Weird about that.

Podcast sold out within a day or two, I think. Stand-up, been a couple months now. That's fine. Totally. I'm going to make a note Of the people that come into the podcast That weren't at the stand up And really fucking go to town on it

Yeah Absolutely That's a good point Different wristbands for the people that went to the Different wristbands We put you on blast Yeah Free lollies to people that went to stand up

You know Just You know what Give them the best seats actually coming into the podcast. I think that's fair. They can keep their seats. Yeah. We can put, you know, we can wipe our ass on the seats that the other people are going

to sit on. Okay. That's what the stand-up show is, is just us going around all the empty seats. It's certainly better than what I've got planned. It was going to be you doing that metaphorically and now it will be figuratively as well. Now I get to actually

not have to think of any material and just physically do it. For a change. Yeah. But yeah, we've got a few things coming up. Perth is coming up. Looking forward to seeing everyone at that and then the Gold Coast of course coming up. Noth is coming up. Looking forward to seeing everyone at that. And then the Gold Coast, of course, coming up. No idea what that's going to be like, but great guests locked in.

Yeah. So that's something. All of our guests everywhere are really good, so no one's going to be disappointed. Don't worry, we're not getting any local Gold Coast comedians, whatever that might sound like or probably is. Yeah. Don't worry, we're not getting any Tasmanian comedians, whatever you think that is. Well, you know what's interesting? We're not getting any Perth comedians.

Well, we often talk about how we come into these places and we don't use anyone that's actually from that place. The exception would probably be like Mel Buttle, who lives in Brisbane, and then when we go to Sydney, of course. But now, I meant to say this at the time, because we've had Andrew Wolfe on the show who lives in Perth, and he's proven to be quite a hit. Then the next time we plan a Perth show, all of a sudden we're going to be breaking our own trade ban and having to use a local comedian. Having said that, he's not on this year.

No, he's not. We've already organised other people. But yeah, we're like those... They're going to have to make new rules. You know when big bands come out from overseas and they make them have local acts as support? Yep. Uh-oh.

Yeah. Sorry, that's it. That's a cameo from my daughter who, Tommy, you've come around and she's not, usually the plan was for her to be asleep. Yep. And she is not asleep. Yep. She's had a little sleep and yep.

She's sitting on your lap as you, you have one arm around her, you have the other arm gripping the microphone, and you've got your hat on backwards. Yes. I'm full on rad-danning. Full on rad-danning. Yeah. Full on rad-danning. I think she's, yeah, she's going to get more vocal as time goes on.

Okay. So let's crack into this. Let's see how we go. Let's actually. Oh, yes. That's good stuff we go. Let's actually. Oh, yes. That's good stuff. Uh-oh. Yeah.

Okay. So no more. There's no other business. There's no other housekeeping. Let's get right into the Patreon. Yeah, I think so. Because I think someone's, you know, I think Blanket's a big fan of the Patreon. That's why she's speaking up.

She's like, yeah, we get it. They're sold out. The gigs are sold out. What more can you say about sold out gigs? That's fair. They're fucking done. That's very she's speaking up. She's like, yeah, we get it. They're sold out. The gigs are sold out. What more can you say about sold out gigs? That's fair. They're fucking done. That's very fair. Okay, so if you would like to, you can support the show,

patreon.com slash little dum-dum club. It helps us keep the lights on around here. We send out rewards to you guys who chip in. We send out a bonus magazine that we put together. We send out an extra episode. And we also read your little name out at the end of the episode every week. Now, how many should we do? I reckon there's many that Blanket can count up to. Okay.

Zero. The end, everyone. I might need to actually get you to give me a toy. Yeah, what do you want me to get? Let's see. I've got some musical toys over there. Do we have to pay copyright on the tunes that come out? Hopefully. Oh, you know what? Actually, let's get something. She quite likes things that aren't meant to be toys.

Okay. So, if there's a highlighter pen over there. Yeah. My wife is absolutely petrified of me giving to her, but it's nice and fluoro, and she likes the look of it. As long as she doesn't somehow open it and suck down the contents, I think we're okay. Yeah, she does seem wrapped by that.

Yeah, she loves it. Look at that. If she did drink all the highlighter ink, at least it would then be very easy for the doctors to work out where the problem was. Yeah, yeah. And also, if she takes a shit in the dark, it's like, yeah, we know where to clean it up. You're right. She is loving that.

Yeah, exactly. She's Groucho Marx cigar style. Absolutely loving it. Which is, it's an interesting pick. Her in a onesie, pretending a highlighter is a cigar, me with a backwards hat. Her on the lap looking like some sort of weird ventriloquist dummy. Yep.

Yeah. Good shit. You going to be okay? We're going to do, we're going to read, how many? How many should we do? Five. Oh, wow. First word.

Wow. You heard it here first, guys. And you know what they say about first words? You have to obey them. 100%. Okay. Wow. Five's heaps.

Okay. But if that's what the baby wants. Yeah. I mean, I'd rather have said dad before five. But okay. Sure. Yeah. All right.

Let's crack in. Thanks, Blanket. Thanks for your help. Let's crack in. Thanks, Blanket. Thanks for your help. Let's get in. Reminder people out there, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. There's been a few people who've been subscribing for a while now who have been like,

how come we haven't had our names read out yet? Well, you know, feel free to remind me. I don't actually take offence at that. If you want to let me know. You take offence if they do it and they've only been subscribing for a week. Absolutely. I do nothing but take offense. That's the most offensive thing probably in my life.

But a few people have slipped through the cracks. Look, the machine isn't absolutely perfect. They're always updating the software. In many ways, it's only human. Yes. In many ways, it's less than human. So feel free. In many ways, it has the intellect of something that's sucking on a highlighter pen right now.

Yeah. Absolutely. So let's crack in. Let's do it. Do you want to let Blanket hit the big red button? Do you trust her with that? Oh, absolutely. I mean, why wouldn't you trust someone who's sucking on a highlighter pen?

With this complicated piece of technology. Yes, yes. With a thing that's worth thousands and thousands of dollars. All right, here we go, Blanket. Big red button. And, oh, great. Thank you. And first up this week is, thank you to Patreon subscriber, David Napier.

David Napier. Yeah. What do you think? Initial thoughts? Initial thoughts, the Napier Hotel in Fitzroy, Melbourne. Great pub. Classic pub. Yeah.

I'm not sure if I love it. Really? It's okay. What don't you like about it? It is very split up. Yeah. It's, you know what? I don't think I love the food there.

That's what I think I don't like. Okay. Yeah. I've never been a massive fan love the food there. That's what I think I don't like. Okay. Yeah, I've never been a massive fan of the food there. Okay. I always get there and I don't think I've ever sat there and gone, oh, great, they've nailed it this time. Just, I don't know. I don't know.

The choice, the quality, a bit of everything. Right. Not a bad-looking pub, but food, really, you know, that's a big black mark. Yeah, that's fair. What have you had, though? They're famous for they do a chicken parmigiana that you can get kangaroo fillet on the top of. On top? Not in addition to the chicken, just kind of like little chunks of it on top,

as if it were bacon instead of bacon or ham on it. You can have kangaroo on it. What do you think of kangaroo as food? I mean, I don't think that's like, oh, cool. It's not amazing, is it? Yeah, maybe I'm coming around to your way of thinking because that's, I don't think there's anyone that would go, wow, the kangaroo really improves the taste of this palmer. It's pure novelty.

Yeah, right. It's purely them being able to like, you know, get a bit of extra attention by having something weird on their palmer. Right. Yeah. It's, I mean, we've probably, we've probably talked about this slash, it's maybe obvious in a way, but just that whole, is there many other countries that go, right, here's our coat of arms. Also, let's tuck in.

Yeah. Yeah. I've had kangaroo, I think maybe twice in my life, and I don't really feel like I ever need to eat it again. No, I think I've had it maybe once or twice and gone okay that's i i get it and look you know from all reports like that's probably a good thing given that you know it's sort of bad for the environment to be eating beef and all that sort of stuff um but they do have to cull numbers of kangaroos yeah uh so if you want red meat that's probably

a good option but extremely selfishly i didn't eat it and go, yummy, yummy, yummy. I'll get kangaroo in my tummy. So I'm not heading back there immediately. Well, I mean, they can get, you know, they can do, if you're vegan or vegetarian or whatever, they can do really great things with fake meat now, you know, where they can make like soybeans taste like a chicken fillet. So if they could just get kangaroo meat and do a bit of seasoning to it, make it taste like beef, then I'm in.

Yeah. I mean, you know what? That's a good point. Like, I don't think, I'd like to try like a kangaroo mince burger. Yep. I would try that. Yep. If that was a thing, great.

Get on it. Yeah. Speaking of that, I've been going to a vegan cafe lately just because I didn't know it was a vegan cafe. Right. They didn't bloody yell it at you when you walked in? No, look, it was pretty obvious in hindsight. Like, everything's very, very vegan looking and appearing.

Okay. Go on. You sound 60 years old. No, no. No, but I'm going. It's fine. Just one person with a piercing? Check out this vegan. No, no. But I'm going. It's fine. Just one person with a piercing? Check out this thing.

No, no. Fuck. Every item in the cafe has a piercing. Put it that way. It screams. There's not one. There was a copy of the Herald Sun in there. I was like, this fucking sticks out.

This is too mainstream for this cafe. Right, right. They should have some sort of newspaper printed on rice paper or fucking something yeah um oh yes thank you um but uh yeah i've been getting like every every week i'll walk in there and get like a toasted cheese sandwich because it's quite nice but then two months in i realized oh this isn't cheese at all this is like yeah whatever it is um because i was like why is everything so fucking expensive in here? Yeah, right, right. Because it's not whatever.

There are a couple of vegan places that I like, but yeah, that's what you realize. If you want to go full-blown with being vegan and be dining out, it really is a luxury. For all the talk of everyone should be doing it, and there is a part of me that I do agree with that, even though I'm not following it. It is very much a luxury to be able to afford to eat that way. Because all that shit's expensive. Unless you're just going to eat purely veggies. But if you ever want to lash out and have some good stuff,

fuck you pay a lot. For the most organic stuff that you can get in the shops. I get obsessed with this online, but, you know, I'm sort of like an anti-troll slash actual troll, where you have people like that that are online going, oh, fucking vegans, oh, fuck you. And it's like, there's so many people going against people that are trying to do the right thing. It's like people are trying to do the right thing, and all these different, fuck you. And it's like, there's so many people going against people that are trying to do the right

thing. It's like people are trying to do the right thing in all these different, you know, there's so many fucking cunts in the world. Well, the thing of hating vegans is just like so hack, you know? Yeah. Like the whole thing of going like, like I made, I was referencing it before, like the thing of, oh, how do you know someone's vegan? Oh, they'll tell you.

It's like that, that's just the most hack kind of ideology and idea at this point in the culture. Yeah. So people are trying to do the right thing and then people go out of their way to go, oh, you're fucking doing – it's like, what do you fucking care? Like that's the dream at this point is that, all right, if you eat beef, if you do whatever it is, cool, right. But if other people are doing the right thing, that's sort of helping the whole situation, really. Yes. So it's like, well, okay, if you like eating beef, that's fine.

You keep doing that. That's sort of slightly the wrong thing. Whatever. But if other people are fucking pulling your load along, you should be like, thanks for doing that because I'm going to fucking tuck into that. So thanks for helping me out and helping out on my carbon footprint by eating vegan cheese while I'm just devouring block of cheddar by myself thank you instead of fuck you it's like what what are you trying to bully someone into eating meat what

what are you getting out of that you idiot i've kind of been i've kind of come around to that way of thinking in the sense of like you just see so much of that stuff of how like you know eating eating meat and eating dairy products is like you know horrendous for the environment and it's like it gets shared around more and more and more and more and i kind of go i don't i honestly don't think i've got the willpower to be uh definitely not vegan probably not vegetarian but what i have been doing in the last couple of weeks that i was reading is you know if you don't think you can commit all the way just like a few times a week yeah when you're thinking, hey, I'm going to go have this and it's got meat in it. Instead, you just stop yourself a few times a week from having a thing that would have

had meat in it. You just have something vegetarian instead. I've been doing that more and more like the last couple of weeks and it feels good. Even though I'm not going all the way, it does still feel like when you deliberately do stop yourself and you're like, oh, I was just going to have bolognese then or whatever and I had something that's not got any meat in it. It's a good feeling. It did take me a long time to have a meal without meat in it and register that it's

a meal. Right, right. It feels like now I can have a plate of vegetables for a meal and go, that's a meal. But it felt like, no, no, no, where's the other thing? Where's the other thing for a meal and go, that's a meal. But it felt like, no, no, no, where's the other thing? Where's the other thing for a long time? So I get it. It's a hard thing that's programmed into some people. Because I used to feel bad when I would think about myself and go,

I don't think I can ever get to a point where I go all the way with it. I just don't think I'm capable of it. But so to take this baby step of it where I am scaling it back deliberately, the amount of meat that I'm eating yeah and go oh that's actually relatively easy it's kind of won me over and i think you know what maybe there is a point down the line yeah or i could go full time with it oh it's just it's just muscle memory or whatever it is because i mean like i've been doing intermittent fasting for a while now and it's like you know your body just adapts to it i you know now i'm sort of like looking at the idea of even

of having breakfast and going oh yeah yeah why would you eat that early well the other thing is i'm it's again it's just like laziness or lack of imagination with cooking where if i was to be vegetarian it would just mean me being more creative right with the things that i cook right and expanding my repertoire where at the moment i'm like especially if i'm cooking for myself i, I'm just like, I don't know what I'd cook. If I want to make an interesting meal at home without any meat in it, I don't know what my options are. Yeah. Question.

So with a lot of, you know, there's so much more, I feel, so much more Asian food choices and varieties when you go out, like restaurants. And you're a big fan of that. Japanese. Yeah, that sort of stuff. Vietnamese. Would you say there's a lot less meat in that uh well it depends on the cuisine japanese definitely not japanese is like a lot of meat right it's if you were if you were vegetarian

it would be fucking pretty rough going to japan okay um even if you get like a good ramen even if you don't get meat in it the broth is made with like pork bone and stuff. Right. Generally speaking. Okay. So. I guess I'm just thinking you see Asian dishes with a lot of noodles involved and stuff like that. At least there's that.

Yeah. I think probably like Chinese and Vietnamese a bit easier. Thai probably relatively easy but still kind of difficult. Yeah. Probably relatively easy, but still kind of difficult. Yeah, I mean, if you're having like a curry, it's not like you're having a full bloody steak or anything like that. Yeah, there's bits of meat in it, but you can get it without. Yeah.

But also from memory, when we went to the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival the first year, I was with my then-girlfriend who's vegetarian. And I remember her finding it very difficult to order because you would think, it's like just saying to them, just not have the meat in there. And they're like, what are you talking about? So it's just like I don't think they come into contact with many people. You know, the lifestyle hasn't caught on over there yet.

So she's just like, do you do this without beef in it? And they're like, no. And she's like,'s like yeah but just or you'd order like the you know vegetables option and it's just like the meat but then just more vegetables in it as well right right right okay well i guess what i'm trying to say is i admire everyone out there that's doing the right thing yeah uh i am not you know i'm aware aware that that's the right thing to do. Yeah. You know, I believe in that, but I'm not quite, I'm not there yet. It's hard, isn't it? As more time goes on when you're exactly what you're saying, you're aware that you're doing the wrong thing,

but you're like, I just kind of can't get myself out of it at the moment. Yeah. It's like you kind of feel a bit better about the fact that at least you're acknowledging it. And like I said, if you're taking baby steps, then it's something, it's helping. Yeah. I'm not driving past vegetarians and fucking throwing shit at them right right i'm going good for you because yeah i mean like we said at the same time any comedian that's like regularly getting up there on stage at the moment it's crazy to me how that sort of stuff is like

still popular to see comics with very popular netflix specials that people are sharing screen grabs from online just teeing off on vegans. And it's like, shut up. What are you, 10 years old? Like, grow up. Yeah. What do you care if someone has a fucking burger or a carrot? And he's in a relationship.

Just get over it. Thanks, David. Thanks, David. Thanks, the Napier Hotel. Yeah. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. Oh, David. Thanks, David. Thanks, the Napier Hotel. Yeah. Uh, thank you to Patreon subscriber. Oh, boy. Uh, thank you to Vinnie Cox.

A lot there. Insane to think that we spent, you know, 10 minutes talking about the concept of vegetarianism and changing the planet, little knowing that we had this one. Also. Bringing up the rare, so to speak. Also me saying, you know, don't pick on vegetarians. Anyway, Vinnie Cox, what the fuck is wrong with your name? But in a different world where this name had come out first, we would have had a field day with that,

and then potentially the name Napier comes out, we get onto Napier, eating kangaroo, the concept of vegetarian. The idea of us talking about not eating meat after we'd been talking about the name Cox, it would have been a very different conversation. Oh, hey, Vinnie Cox. Is this Andrew Dyche Clay's manager? Is this – I mean, look, don't get me wrong.

I want to chow down on this name, so to speak. But is this appropriate with such a young child in the room? Well, look, I've sort of been been i've been trying to figure that out lately going well what's your child's first memory what's the line where you have to like really start toning it down around it what's your first memory what's the age of your first memory we've talked about this on the pod and i yeah it's it's hard to remember because it's like you know you have faint memories of things but you don't know. Yeah, it's hard to remember because it's like, you know, you have faint memories of things, but you don't know where that falls chronologically.

You know what I mean? It's not like your memories are like – Oh, so you haven't really sort of, you know, gone backwards and tried to figure out when that would have been vaguely or – I have a vague memory of being a very little kid. Well, I mean, yeah, you can kind of timestamp it because we moved house when i was in grade two so you know of course any memory that's in that first house it's probably like pretty

pretty early on i have a memory of being uh very young in a crib and a bird getting into the house whenever a bird gets into the house as a kid because it's like you know relative to your size it's kind of big right so this thing's flapping around and I just remember... Like a pterodactyl. Totally, yeah. I remember losing my fucking mind, just being so scared. So it's probably something like something around that era. Oh, went silent.

Yeah. What era? What age? What do you think it was? Three, maybe? Oh, really? I don't know. See, that blows my mind

that people's first memory is like three years old. I've had that a little bit when I've asked people. I'm like, so you don't, there's three years of life where there's absolutely,

your brain hasn't worked once and captured anything um i i kind of i have a couple of memories of i reckon being i think about 15 16 17 months old yeah no you're gonna say months you're rinsing me for saying three and then you're like first memory i remember mom saying you know vce is coming up you better start studying congratulations you've passed your driver's test remember when you first had your first heart on two years ago no no this is my first memory right now that would be incredible if you first if your first memory was your first boner first pube uh yeah so i think

it's about about that age. But yeah, that's so late to me. I don't know. I mean, maybe I do, but I find it hard to place. But look, also, I'm fine with that. That means I've got three years with Blanket here where I can just do whatever the fuck I want. Oh, exactly. I mean, it only sort of subconsciously affects her. It doesn't consciously affect her.

Well, that's the thing. Everything that's happening right now is going into the bank in some form or another. It's all swirling around. Maybe. It's all inspiration. Maybe. I don't know. I don't know.

I mean, I don't know how. It's such a. Nature versus nurture. Yeah. I mean, you don't know. Now she's sucking on the microphone cord. Yeah, this is a great ad for why we should be recording at your house, by the way. Yeah, look, I think I'm, at the moment, in my head at least, I'm going, I'm okay to swear in front of the baby.

So you're okay to just let loose on Vinnie Cox in front of her and not have her be like, weird first memory I have. Man, fuck. I mean, dash. Yeah, I hope not. I hope not. I hope this isn't the point where her brain clicks in and goes, here we go. Let's run a competition on the pod. And admittedly, it's a very long, it's a long-term competition.

If you down the line at age like 18 or whatever, blanket goes to a psychiatrist and they try and go back and they work out her very first memory. If her very first memory is your name being read out on the Patreon, you win a prize. Vinnie Cox. Vinnie Cox. Just blanket in hypnotherapy. Just, oh yeah, my dad, I was on's lap and he he had a hat on backwards and jesus christ there was some there was some guy there who i had more hair than

and they were talking about they were talking about this guy's surname being a real mouthful and just really yeah vinnie Vinnie Hey, yo Hey Vinnie Cox Hey, Vinnie Cox Man, that's I like that he's gone with it You know, he could have been Vincent Cox But he's really stepped into

That The pizza parlor Yeah Yeah He's I'm surprised he's I'm surprised someone called Vinnie Cox is giving us money I'm surprised he's not shaking us down

Right If he doesn't live in the great city of New York, then it should be illegal to go by Vinnie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It should be, you know, there should be names that it's just like regional. You shouldn't be allowed to be called Vinnie and live in New Zealand. Totally. Vinnie. Even worse.

Oh, talking about hacked vegan material. You popped that one out. i'm not trying to make a joke i'm just saying it's like that would be the worst place for it yeah yeah yeah vinnie cox what a life um just i mean it just blows my mind that that you know there's there's there's animals you know there's animals where it's been cruel to breed certain animals where there's some sort of deformity and they try and breed them out of captivity. They try and breed them out of existence. Right, yep.

Oh, yes. Because there's something wrong with their spines or, you know, whatever it is. And then they just go, that's just, that's cruel. Or, you know, those dogs that can't breathe properly or whatever. Yep, yep. Breed out the coxas, you know, like don't, don't, don't fuck someone that's called cox, you know like don't don't don't fuck someone that's called cox you know right right don't or at the very least just everyone change your name at some point well it is interesting because in this you know in in this era of modern dating and you know app dating

where you know you meet someone someone comes up on you know tinder or bumble and all you see is their first name right so you match you get into a conversation maybe you exchange phone numbers but then you go out on a date and you can be several dates in with this first with this person before you even learn what their surname is yeah right so let's say you've been on four dates you know maybe you've slept together at this point you really feel in the vibe you know you're really feeling you're swept up in that those beautiful first stages of a new relationship and you're like hey but this is pretty weird to go this far in. I actually don't know your surname.

Oh, it's Cox. Oh, no. Yeah. You know, that really would rattle you. Yeah. That you'd be forced to make a hard decision. Yeah, Vinnie Cox. Vincent Cox.

This, again, this really is one of those ones where it's like, there's too much. You know, we get overwhelmed. You would think this would be a slam dunk for us, but... I feel bad. I feel bad that we got more out of David Napier than Vinnie Cox. Well, it's a shame there's not a pub in Melbourne called the Cox Hotel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For many reasons.

Yeah, I mean, it's a shame that we've had so much experience with the Napier and not so much experience with the Cox. Yeah, that's very true. Yeah. But, you know, I would like to think... What does it mean? Does it mean you're more fucked up as an adult having gone through high school with the surname Cox, or does it mean that you're battle-hardened? Yeah, I really think it'd be battle-hardened.

I think nothing would surprise you you've been through it all i do think you would have a very low tolerance to like you know say being 30 or whatever and you meet you know you meet someone new for the first time and they try it on not that it'd you know offend you or wound you but you would just be like fucking get over it yeah you know you've heard it all and you know some idiot thinks they're going to come in and sledge you with a great new original one you just would have no patience for it well let's you know this is what we do we're professional at whatever this is right so surely let's our challenge should be to get one new one that he's never heard before oh

jesus christ yeah but like he hasn't been hanging around professional comedians all his life. Maybe he has. I mean, sure, he still hasn't now, but, you know, we should be able to get, oh yes, oh yeah. Yeah, I think Blanket's not into it. Or maybe Blanket's, you know, maybe she's trying to commute, maybe she's got a good new one for Cox. Yeah, yeah.

She's trying to get it out, but she hasn't learnt language yet. Yeah. This is like the only way she can communicate. Yeah, yeah. Maybe this is, maybe that's about as good as we're going to get it out, but she hasn't learnt language yet. This is like the only way she can communicate. Yeah, yeah. Maybe this is maybe that's about as good as we're gonna get. Just, ooh. Maybe she's listening to us now and that's her impression of what we are.

That's about as good. That's the intelligence level. Well, I'll say this. I bet Coxie hasn't heard that one. Yeah. In response to his name. Just someone going, ooh. I reckon he would have, actually. Maybe. Okay, we're not gonna have crack. Should we have, I reckon he would have actually. Maybe. Well, okay.

We're not going to have crack. Should we have one crack? Come on. Like, what do you, what do you mean? What sort of thing are you talking about? Well,

I'm saying like if you were at school with Vinnie Cox and you're on the playground, what would you go with? You'd, you'd do something with him. Surely. I mean, the worst thing for him could have been growing up

if he'd been shorter than everyone else. So then he's a little cocks. That one would have been pretty rife. But I guess equally, if he was the tallest one in the group, probably would have gotten bullied more so for being big cocks. Right. In that strange way where it's like having a big dick would have been an insult. Right.

I guess you could say, like, his girlfriend, you know, if they're kissing, it's like, look, you're sucking on cocks, you know. It's kind of bagging her more than him. Yeah, yeah, I know. And that's pretty advanced for a kid on the schoolyard. High school sweethearts going up. You're sucking on cocks. Well, that's what I'm saying. I'm trying to think of something he hasn't heard.

That's something. That's a wild kid who just observes them pashing behind the shelter sheds and comes out with that one. Yeah. I love this hypothetical kid that you've invented. Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, maybe I've got more for any potential girlfriend than I've got for him.

Right, yeah. Because then it's like, you know, they start going out, Hey, Leanne, you love cocks. Yeah, that's a good point. I think it's got more to do with it's like the people that are close to cocks are the ones who are going to be bullied. Very close to cocks. Yeah.

Oh, God. I got some food for blank of thinking this would shut her up, but this is absolutely not shut her up at all. No. Yeah, we took a little seamless edit break before, folks, so that we could set up the feeding station. Yeah. She's currently...

Whoa. What's she eating? What is that? Whoa. Is she a bloody lefty vegan? There better be some pork on that fruit that you're feeding her. I don't even know what fruit that is, actually. I just walk past trees and grab shit and stick it in her mouth.

Right. You're like a wild animal. Yeah, yeah. I'm foraging for my daughter. Meanwhile, I'm buying burgers for myself. I'm getting nature's roadkill on the way home. Your dinner is 15 biscuits for $7. This kid's sampling fruit from all across the globe.

Yeah. This kid's on a challenge to just eat for free for the rest of his life. I'm just finding stuff. I'm forcing environmentalism on my kid by not buying any processed stuff, just finding stuff on trees, in the bin, whatever. She's a freegan. You're raising a freegan. Yeah, yeah.

She's a dumpster diver, but I'm having to dumpster dive. That's so funny. That would be good. I'm starting. I'm helping the planet but just using my daughter feeding my kid out of the bin yeah she's the offset carbon footprint she's the she's she's doing the heavy lifting for me yeah i'm just not going to give her any meat so it's like you're then on you're then on facebook like sharing um you know memes of like how cows

eating cows like is bad for the planet yeah but all that means is like you're still hoeing in. Yeah. But I'm feeling good because I'm like, well, I was thinking about giving my seven-month-old a pork chop tonight. Yeah. But then I didn't. Instead, she ate sand. All right. Well, thanks, Vinny.

Thanks, Vinny. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Chris Killeen. Ooh. Chris Killeen. Spelt the same as Gretel? I believe so. Wow. Yeah.

So he might be a relative. Interesting. He might be a relative of the Big Brother host. The Masked Singer. The Masked Singer, if we want to go topical. She was one of the singers on The Masked Singer the other night. Have you watched it? I watched a bit of it last night.

Any good? It works, I think. I think it's okay. For what it is, I can understand how it works. But I do find it funny that for people that don't know The Masked Singer, I think people worldwide will now know what The Masked Singer is vaguely. They've done it in a bunch of countries, haven't they? Yeah.

It's Korean and then they did it in the States. Yeah. And it was really popular, yeah. Yeah, yeah. But what I've, so essentially the concept is they've got this, and it's a great looking show. They have these great costumes of animals and, you know, whatever it is.

So there's someone out there singing with this insane costume on. The show is built on the guesswork of like, oh, imagine who it is. It's a celeb singing. Yeah, so it's a famous person singing. They give clues to who it is, then you're watching them going, oh, I wonder who it is.

Instead of just the singing element of it being the great bit, it's the wonder, the mystery. Trying to guess from the singing voice and from the performance who it would be. What I love is that it's obviously heavily written where the guests are just having these preposterous guesses of who it is. It's someone coming out there dressed as an eagle

and they're going, well, eagle, Uncle Sam, America, I think it's Barack Obama. And it's like, no, it's fucking Warwick Capper in the end. It's mostly just shit Australian celebrities. But the guests. But you know what it would have been is like the producers off, you know, off camera saying to the people who are trying to guess, don't just spurt out a name. Oh, no, no, no.

There's got to be a chain. But then it's like the guests going, yeah, thanks. That's just going to make me look like a fucking idiot on TV. Absolutely. And Hughes is apparently copying that. Is he really? Well, he's not copying it. What I mean is he's having to do it with a straight face and go, hmm, okay, I think it might be Oprah.

It's not fucking Oprah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's someone that was on Home and Away 17 years ago. Yeah, there's been a few wild ones in there. I would love to see any show like that. I always think it would be great to see the whiteboard of all their first picks, like who they wanted versus who they thought they could get when they started working on the show. We should ask – oh, no, he wouldn't know.

I was going to say we should ask Hughes, but he wouldn't know because that information would obviously be kept from him. But maybe he could find out at the end. He know a little bit there'd be once he gets brought into the show there'd be a few people where it's like oh we might have them and he yeah you know what he would know some of them because he would have been promised at the pitch for him to be on the show it would have been like yeah i mean we're in talks with mariah carey we're in talks with uh you know barbara streisand yeah with, you know, Barbara Streisand. Yeah.

And then, you know, he rocks up and it's Alf from Home and Away. You know. So, yeah, that's what they're guessing them, all of these extreme guesses. And also, each guess will get a guess and they never get it right. So they're clearly being told that these are your guesses. Don't guess the actual person. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally, totally. You can't just come straight out of the gate and go, oh, yeah, this person's a friend of mine. They don't guess the actual person. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally, totally.

You can't just come straight out of the gate and go, oh, yeah, this person's a friend of mine. They told me they were doing it. Yeah. Also, when they're out there dancing and singing, they're not singing. That's prerecorded. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's the beauty of it because they've got a big mask on.

Yeah. So, you know, you can't see the mouth. Exactly. You can't get stitched up for miming. Exactly, exactly. I would like to watch it. And also, any kind of, like, reality stuff, I'll have friends that watch it and are like,

oh, you know, it's a bit of dumb fun and whatever. But it definitely feels like if you... It kind of shows that you're better to watch with someone else. You know, if you're in a relationship, reality TV is fun to watch. If you're in a share house and you can all sit around and kind of talk shit about it. Something about putting on The Masked Singer, being 33 by yourself, just feels a bit grim.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a good-looking show. Yeah, good production value. Yeah, they've done a good job. And it's rating its little ass off. I can see how it works in America because you've just got that big talent pool to choose between. But in Australia, it's just a bit like whenever something gets announced and it's like, between but in australia it's just a bit like you know whenever someone gets announced and it's like oh yeah someone that you know played in played nbl basketball in the 80s oh great even someone

who's like super washed up and just desperate to do something like that would still be a good get yes to be like oh cool millie vanillie yeah that's a name everyone knows yeah yeah yeah and what a great get considering one of them's dead for sure. Yeah. That's real good. What's a group where you get two people crammed into a suit? Yeah. They should do that.

They should have one of the masks, one of the costumes should be a horse, you know, and they get like a famous duo. They get us on. Yeah. I'm playing the ass.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's actually a good idea. We're singing Aloe Blacc. Yeah. Well, you know, that'd be great if we were on because I heard a whisper that

there was a reveal when no one knew who the person was. Ah, that's been filmed already. Yeah. Well, the whole thing

has been filmed. But, I mean, it hasn't gone to air. Yeah, it hasn't gone to air yet. But we'll never see that because surely they'll do another take.

No, no, no, no. They reshot and went, let's do it this time and make this show look professional. Yeah, right. Oh, you've got to tell me off air who that is. Well, let's do it this time and make this show look professional. Yeah, right. Oh, you've got to tell me off air who that is. Well, I will, and then you won't know who that is either.

Really? Yeah. Oh, I can't wait. Yeah. Don't worry. You don't know any better than Hughsey or Lindsay Lohan or Jackie O or whatever. Yeah, okay. Yeah.

I promise you, you won't know this person. Okay. Yeah. Well, I'm still fascinated to know who it is. Killeen. Killeen. Killeen. Well, person. Okay. Yeah. Well, I'm still fascinated to know who it is. Killeen. Killeen. Killeen. Killeen.

Well, thanks, Chris. Yeah. I mean, this has been talked about already, but just the idea of judges trying to guess a celebrity, and then they bring in Lindsay Lohan, who they could bring her dad out and she wouldn't guess it. Of course. Yeah. Yeah.

Let alone bringing out Australian celebrities. Yeah, totally. Of course. Yeah. Yeah. Let alone bringing out Australian celebrities. Yeah, totally. Just insane. Because I've got to say, you hear everything about it on paper and you go, so you're trying to guess who a person is when their entire visual element is completely obscured. Yeah. They're not using their talking voice. You've got one of the judges isn't going to know who anyone is.

Like on paper, you go, this sounds like utter shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But full credit to them for managing to get people to watch it and be interested in it because it shouldn't work yeah it shouldn't be entertaining i i do find it so funny that the judges are there to to guess and they've been they've clearly and this is not someone telling me but clearly they've been told who to guess and to make themselves look like idiots so no one's ever going to get it right so these judges for the entire season no one's going to get one right. Yeah.

Because what's the point of going, I guess, Justin Madden from the Carlton Football Club. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they get it. It's like just a letdown. Well, and also, it's one of those weird ones where when it's all celebs and it's celebs on both sides of it, it's like, what are the stakes here? Yeah. You know what I mean?

You're not like rooting for them to get it. It's like, who cares? Yeah. Yeah. No, you're right. It's more for the viewer. It's more for the viewer to try and guess it. Like if it was something like it was normal people doing the singing

and the judges had all spent a bit of time with all of them and then they get up and sing. And if you can fool the judges into thinking that it's not you, then you get to stay through or something. You know what I mean? If there's some kind of element like that. Yeah. But again, people are loving it. People are loving this fucking show.

Yeah. Thanks, Chris. Thanks, Chris. Thanks for making some TV that people are really enjoying. I assume you're somewhere connected to Gretel, Colleen and then because of that, you've been working on this show. Yeah, and thanks for somehow getting in a free ad for Channel

10. Thanks to your name. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Adam Kilner. Two kills in a row. Wow. Double kill. Yeah, this is like the opposite of Nick Capper. That would be Adam Bomner.

If you weren't giving us so much money, I'd be more like Adam Kill Yourselfner. What if you started bringing this in in your comedy rooms? Kind of similar to the old idea of the dunce cap at school. If someone does a gig for you and they bomb, then the next time they do a gig, you've just got a big placard that's just got a drawing of an old cartoon bomb with a big fuse on it,

and they have to wear that around their neck for their entire set. They're not allowed to reference why. They just have to get up and still perform and do well with this on. Great concept. I think I'd like to adapt the Tour de France. You have the winner's jersey every day. Okay. Whoever's won that stage gets to wear the jersey.

That's what I need. The worst on ground needs to wear a vest the next gig. That similar thing that just says what? Eye-bombed or whatever it is. Just some ridiculous looking vest. Right. Or just a black vest or whatever it is. Just something that's clearly someone walks out and you go, why would they be wearing

that? Visual signifier. Yeah. From the tour to Chando. Yeah. Maybe a dunce is at his best because it's like, that's clearly something you wouldn't normally. And because also you kind of think if you've bombed the last time you've done a gig, you

really need a win. We all know what it's like. Your next gig, you're just like, if I have too many in a row, I'm going to think if you've bombed the last time you've done a gig, you really need a win. We all know what it's like. You know, your next gig, you're just like, if I have too many in a row, I'm going to fucking end it all. So immediately you walk out on stage and you've got this dunce hat on. That's funny. That's going to get you a laugh right off the bat. I think so.

So it is going to help you, which is kind of like, you know, what you need for your morale, for your self-esteem. And the very – Uh-oh. All right. we're out of this mystery fruit yeah yeah there's no more roadkill fruit sorry we're gonna have to wait till someone runs over a watermelon or something okay um uh yeah look i think a dance hat is is good yeah you walk out you can riff off it that that's visually something funny. Even if you,

even if you tell the actual story, and you go, sorry, but I have to wear this, because the last time I did a gig here, I was really bad. Actually, you know what,

I'm going to do this. I'm just going to start doing this as my opener. Doing all my gigs in a big dunce hat. Well, you're at my gig tonight, so, you know... I am. Here's your chance... Here's your chance to bomb tonight

and then get to come back and wear the legitimate dunce hat. Wait, am I on a spleen tonight? I believe so. Am I? Oh, okay. Yeah. That's what I've got in my diary. Oh, interesting.

And really, I really hope you are because I... The gig is, what, nine hours away and I still have got to book half of it. Oh, okay. So if you aren't on it, I need to book even more. Well, I'd love to not, but I will help you out. Help me out by doing the gig that you booked in?

Yeah. Right. That I would otherwise pull out of. Right. Because I feel fucked. Oh, really? What's wrong with you? Just, you know, a bit too much excess over the weekend.

Do you feel like what that sounds like? I do, yeah. Yeah. This is really helping. Yeah. Blanket, you really got to calm it down. Do we need to take a break in recording and figure out what's going on here? Maybe we do.

Maybe I need to get her a bottle. Maybe we tune out for one second. Okay. All right. Sure. All right, and we're back on. Oh, boy. Sorry for the breaks, everyone.

Not that there was actually any breaks. No, I'm going to edit in 30 minutes of silence. Oh, get some ads in there. If anyone wants to sponsor Blanket's tantrums, we can do an ad break in the middle of them. Yeah, I'd love it. That'd be great. Adam Kilner. Yep.

Have we ever... Look, I'm going to go out there and say, unless there's some absolute boffins out there that know any better, this is the first ever back-to-back kill-themed surnames in the Patreon read we've ever had. I'd agree with that. That is massive. Adam Kilner. This is momentous.

This is a landmark episode now. Man, I can't wait till the day when we have three in a row. We can really... Fuck. God. It could be today. You don't know what's coming up after this. You're right.

It could very well be today. You're right. I haven't seen what's in front of you. You're right. Thanks, Tommy. For this fifth name that we're going to do, we have no idea. Yep. It could very well be today. You're right. I haven't seen what's in front of you. You're right. Thanks, Tommy. For this fifth name that we're going to do, we have no idea. Yep. You're absolutely right.

You might get your wish. That's absolutely ridiculous. I think you're actually making a bit of a fool of yourself by saying something like that because the odds on even getting one in a row is huge. Huge. Two in a row is insane. I huge two in a row even is like insane like i can't believe we're doing that yeah so i i wouldn't even i wouldn't even give an adjective to what you know not an adjective what do you call what do you call that word anyway uh to what to what

that would be three no oh look it's hugely unlikely but you know like my point is none of us knows what the future holds right so you know, people buy a lottery ticket thinking, you know, the odds are, you know, against them. And then every now and then, you know, people still win. Yeah, I guess. Yeah, right. You've got to put your faith in the universe. Okay. Yeah, look, that's really, that's positive.

Have some faith in the unknown. Yeah. It could not be. I probably am wrong. You would absolutely hate it if you had something like that. The odds of something like that happening to you. For someone to say to you, oh, man, the odds on that happening to you were 70 million to one. You'd hate for anything like that to happen that wasn't the lottery.

Oh, yeah, okay. You know what I mean? Like a rare disease or whatever. Yeah, like someone dropping something out of a plane. Ah, okay. And hitting a bird, and then the bird, you know, flying past you, and then the thing hits off, you know, it drops that into your eyeball, and you go, wow, the odds on that were 70 million to one.

Cool, well, that sucks. And you were on your way to buy a lottery ticket, hoping that that was going to be the70 million to one shot that pays off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it said it's a shit coming out of an airplane. Yeah, it's a shit coming out of an airplane that a pelican caught in its mouth, and then... Why's there got to be a bird in the mix?

Because that's... The odds of being shat on from a plane are still pretty high. No, but higher is a pelican being involved. A pelican intercepting it. Yeah, yeah. Catching it in its mouth, and then spitting it out in your face. But how does anyone know that that's happened? Who's observed the pelican aspect?

This is what happens because you're walking down the street and then you get hit by a piece of shit and then you look up and it's like a pelican. Oh, the pelican's still there? Yeah. Well, it hasn't vanished. Right. It doesn't like, oh, Job's done and kills itself. Yeah, but I don't know how high up the altitude of the pelican was.

No, no, no, no. Maybe wind could have carried it a bit of the distance, so the pelican's long gone by that point. How high do pelicans fly? Not that high. Pretty high, or maybe you wouldn't be looking. Maybe it's, you know, it's done it and then just flown off and you can't see it anymore.

Also, when are pelicans flying in Hawthorne? Like, never, I would say. Well, I mean, in this description, we are living in a Bugs Bunny cartoon at this point. Yes. Right. Right. Yeah. And again, that makes the odds even higher.

Yeah. Yeah. What are the odds? A piano falls on your head. Yeah. You open your mouth and then you've got the keys of the piano instead of teeth. Yes. What are the odds?

Absolutely. Okay. All right. Well, thanks. Thanks, Kilner. Thanks, Alex Kilner. Thanks, Kilner. All right. Well, thanks, Kilner. Thanks, Alex Kilner. Thanks, Kilner. All right.

Well, like Blanket requested, we're doing one more. She's got a bottle and a gob now, so that's why she has finally shut up. Yep. Thank you. Thank you, Blanket. One more. Time for one more. Time for one more.

I can go and Actually concentrate on my duties As a father Rather than Be a part time podcaster Part time Keeping a seven month old alive Yep Wearing two hats at the moment

Yes Both on backwards Yes That would be good Thank you to Patreon subscribe Oh my god What?

Is it a pelican? It's not a pelican. Oh. That would be insane. That would be insane. Is it some shit coming out of an airplane? It's not. It's not shit coming out of an airplane.

Metaphorically, it is. What's a metaphorical airplane? Put it that way. My God. What? The odds on something happening this often within the podcast is insane. Astronomical. Are you ready?

Yeah, what? Thank you to Patreon subscriber Vinny Comedy. That's two Vinnies in this read. Not in a row. That is insane. Not in a row. That would be insane. No, that is insane.

Wow. Wow. I can't remember even having one Vinny before would be insane. No, that is insane. Wow. Wow. I can't remember even having one Vinnie before. I know. And now two in the one ep. Exactly. This is... Like I was trying to say, you never know what the future holds.

Yes, that is. I thought I did. I certainly didn't. That is pure comedy. When you think something's going one way and then it goes the other way. The absolute definition of comedy, apart from the funny bit i feel like i'm gonna have the dunce's hat on next time we do one of these i feel like i've got the dunce's mouth on right now i feel like i've got the dunce hat but the pointy bit is just right up my ass.

You have to laugh. You have to laugh. You don't have to and most listeners probably aren't. All right, folks. Thanks very much for contributing. We really appreciate it here at Dumb Dumb HQ. What are the dates that we've got coming up, Tommy? What are the actual dates? Okay.

Sunday, October the 13th in Perth. Got the live show with Stand Up as well. Then we have, I believe it is Saturday, November the, oh Christ, 16th in the Gold Coast, on the Gold Coast. Then we've got Saturday, November the 23rd in Hobart. on the Gold Coast. Then we've got Saturday, November the 23rd in Hobart. And then coming up next year,

should be on sale very soon, the 500th episode, April the 25th. April, Saturday, April 25th. There's been a tiny bit of confusion. It's on the Saturday night. It's on at 8.30 on the Saturday night. So that's our 500th episode. It's not quite on sale yet. It will be.

Check the socials. Hopefully we'll be announcing it on this show very soon as well yes but um yeah he's going to be massive so we're going to pour a lot of energy into the 500 so um i'm sure we'll be annoying you about that but um yeah if you like to be the you know if you're in a state if you're even we've had inquiries from interstate from overseas about flying in for it so uh look it's seven months out at this point, live to air. But, you know, a lot of people like to get their shit together very early. So, yeah, that is definitely the date.

Lock it in. Yep. Make your way there. Thanks for listening, guys, and we'll see you next time. See you, mates.