The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 470 - Yumi Stynes & Josh Earl

Episode Date: October 8, 2019

We're up early to welcome back one of our all-time favourite guests YUMI STYNES and our great pal JOSH EARL! We reminisce about Yumi's previous appearances on the pod, we've got a couple of updates from recent threads to catch up on and then it's time for The Main Event: Yumi absolutely schools us on everything that we've been doing wrong as men in every room of the house. Lots of stuff for us all to ruminate on, and lots of handy advice for Tommy to take to Honolulu with him. Phew.PERTH! We're coming back with our yearly massive show. October 13, 4pm.GOLD COAST! Our first ever live show up there. November 16, 2pm.HOBART! We're heading down for the first time for a live show in a small venue. November 23, 5pm.We've also added a stand-up show in the same venue at 3pm. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Josh Earle and Yumi Steins. We have some tour dates coming up. Head on to littledumbdumbclub.com if you want to find out more about that. You can also support the show on Patreon. We'll tell you more about that at the end of the episode, but until then, enjoy this episode with Josh Earle and Yumi Steins. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo and with me as always is the other half of the program, Carl Chandler.

G'day, dickhead. Very exciting show today. Let's get our guests in. Please welcome back onto the program, Josh Earle and Yumi Steins. Hooray. What's up? Now, this is, look, for people at home, in case you listen to this and go, wow, this is actually a really not funny episode. Well, it's 8.30 in the morning, which is the absolute non-comedy hour.

I've just cleared my wife and child out of the house. They've left and my wife said, what's going on now? And I said, we're doing a podcast. She's like, what at 8.30 in the morning? I go, yeah. She goes, who's on it?

And I said, oh, Yumi Steins. And she goes, oh my God, I haven't cleaned the house probably and Yumi Steins is coming in the house. Who else is on?

And I said, Josh Earley goes, and she goes, oh, that's all right. That's fine. Right, so the lack of effort that you put in for Josh cancels out the amount of effort

that you have to put in for Yumi. Yeah, yeah. So on average, I think the house is just fine for these two people. We're both parents, so we're fine. Yeah. We know that you're a new parent. Yes. Is this the earliest you've ever done a podcast?

Ooh. Fuck, I hope so. Be up there. Yeah. Because I've done one where you were in the dark, and now this is the earliest. So it's nice that I'm bookending those times. A lot of extremes. Yeah. Well, Yumi, you've done the dark and now this is the earliest. So it's nice to have bookending. A lot of extremes. Yeah.

Well, Yumi, you've done the range with us as well. You've done back when we were on commercial, well, we were recording in commercial radio studios. Yep. I've done some live thing at a little club down in the CBD. We were giving out packets of something. You were so proud of yourself.

Was it loose? We were giving out packets of something. We were talking about Denise Drysdale's tits. What a memory. What a memory. What a memory. No. Packets or something. Was it shaker fries maybe?

Oh, maybe. We're obsessed with shaker fries. Surely it would have been yellow mousse. Maybe it would have been mousse. No, I think it was shaker fries. Something I'd never heard of anyway. Denise Drysdale apparently used to give your dad or grandpa an erection just by appearing on the TV.

Oh, dig down. And then I've done My Mum's Beach House with you guys. Oh, that's right. With Celia Piccola. That's right. And the Opera House. And the Opera House. A bunch of great landmarks of Australia.

Which would you rather do again, the Opera House or the Beach House? The Opera House gig was amazing, but I did relive moments of it and go, I should have said that and I can't believe I didn't call them out on stuff. Oh, right. Oh, yeah. What do you want to do over? What do you want to call us out on? Well, there was just one bit where I've been lying in bed every now and then and going,

you should have stood up for Fiona O'Loughlin. Oh, the last time I was on was with Fiona. It made the papers. Oh, yeah. What are you going to say this time? Yeah. Well, just that you were just bagging her out and I just stood there and I probably should have stood up for her.

Oh, is this because she didn't get you a gift at the wedding? At the wedding. Was it part of that? Oh, yeah. Oh, that was the big countdown. Yeah, yeah. Well, no, you were there for when I named everyone that didn't give me a gift for my wedding.

So now I've actually got a list of all the people that didn't give me a present for the baby being born. So we'll go through that. No, we won't. I actually haven't. I like how you guys all believe that for a second. fuck that's not good on me we are going to be here for six hours no fiona can well i was going to say she can stand up for herself but she literally can't she suffers you mean don't regret it it's no no this is my rule with fiona and flady if someone

has let me down with gigs and stuff enough i'm'm allowed – it gives me carte blanche to tee off. So I think it's okay. But that does remind me because you have given up the drink in the last, what, two years, I think? Yeah, I think probably three now. Three, yeah. Yeah, right. Man, that's – I mean, I think I guess a lot of people didn't realise that that was such a big part of your life or whatever.

But how has it been off the grogs for so long? Yeah, it's really good. I'm super healthy. I'm less of an arsehole. I'm less fun. My dancing's terrible. You know what? The last couple of podcasts we've had, you've been very aggressive on us very early on.

And I'm like, it's very intimidating. Today, you've been pretty bright and sunshine. You've given us a free cookbook on the way in, your Zero Fucks cookbook. You want to talk about lying awake thinking of things on past episodes of this. When we were at the beach house, there's one of us telling a story and got to the end of it. And you go, is that the end of the story? I've been lying awake thinking of nice things you could have said to us instead in previous episodes. She should have stood up for Fiona.

I should have stood up for myself. So not drinking for three years. Yeah, yeah. And your youngest is four. You didn't stop during that time? No, and I think, so I've got four kids and every time I've had a baby and sort of got to that point where they're no longer inhabiting me physically,

I've got a real raging thirst on. It's like I've got to get myself back and I'm so sick of being a parent and here I am and the only thing that you can do because you're sort of stuck with them is drink. And people let you and it's quite condoned. So I always went a little bit too hard at that point. And hangovers with young kids is not fun. Yeah.

And then it just sort of spirals with me, especially because I'm so good at drinking. It's a gift, really. You're a good drinker. What was your drink? My drink was beer. Right. Yeah. So beer never made me sick.

It never made me get too crazy. It was tequila. I did my first ever stage dive after tequila. Right. And no one caught me. So I landed flat on my back. Where was this? At the Espy.

It's not a very high stage, right? What gig? I think it was the Powder Monkeys. Nice. I saw the Powder Monkeys once. Yeah. And I forget the lead singer's name. Tim Hemmingsley.

He was not having a good time, and he couldn't get his guitar strapped over his head for the first five minutes of the gig and had to make the house lights go up, and then someone just came up and put his guitar strap over his head and he played amazingly. Like didn't miss a thing. Like, yeah.

He was a bass player, right? He played guitar, I thought. But it was great. They're an amazing band. But, yeah, I woke up the next day and my T-shirt that I'd been wearing had floor stains all over it. Like it was like the Shroud of Turin, Jesus' face, but the floor of the ESPY.

So you took the shirt off and looked at it and went, that's the face of the ESPY floor there. Easy. I got stage dived onto in the crowd at the ESPY. This was years ago. I'd bought a pair of jeans that day. I'm walking to the gig and they rip. And I'm like, fuck, I'm going to have to take these back tomorrow

because I'd just bought them. And then I'm at the gig and they rip. And I'm like, fuck, I'm going to have to take these back tomorrow because I just bought them. And then I'm at the gig and then someone stage dives onto me. I fall onto the SP floor, just disgusting. Get up, I'm covered in filth. So I take the pants back the next day and I'm like, yeah, just wearing these down the street. And they just ripped and they're like covered in like grime and just like clearly reek of beer.

And the guy's like, so where were you walking? I'm like, just walking the dog, you know, just around the corner and got away with it. Got a new pair of jeans on. Yeah. Fucking hell. Yeah. Yeah, now I'm lying awake at night thinking of things

I could have brought back. That's fucking insane. That's crazy to think that you can remember specific details about that podcast you did with us six years ago and it was in your wild drinking days. You can remember specific details about that podcast you did with us six years ago and it was in your wild drinking days yeah you can remember packets of things actually this is the first podcast with us you've agreed to while sober so thank you yeah i bet when you said yes to doing this all those years ago you didn't think this was going to be such a long-term

commitment where you'd be dragged in to do it every couple of years you know what it's like someone was having an argument with me about why do people celebrate birthdays? Like are they so needy to be, you know, surrounded by approval and recognition once a year for doing something that they actually had nothing to do with from being born? But doing a podcast with you guys, this would be like touching base and kind of going, oh, yeah, remember how sad I was when you did that? That little nightclub show where you talked about Denise Drysdale's teeth. I've got to listen to this episode. I might just splice the whole thing in here now in this episode for people. You didn't talk about them at length, but she has shown me her boobs

because she was so proud of the fact that she'd had a breast reduction. I think women who wanted a breast reduction i think women who wanted a breast reduction have often wanted them for 20 or 30 years before they finally go and go through with it because so many people are like don't do it don't do it don't do it so she got a kilogram taken out of each tit which is a huge amount of weight to be carrying around and then it was they were just kind of neatly stitched back up and she was just like look at my titties. I've never thought about that, the idea that you would go in and have it done by weight.

Yeah. Like, do you go into the doctor and do you dictate? Do you have the measurement in your head that you want taken out? It's just such a shame you can't go to the gym and there's a machine there to get weight off your boobs. Yeah, what a shame. What a shame. Well, it's a shame for Denise, obviously. She saved herself a doctor's appointment.

So she's what? She's just had a... Just do sit-ups on your boobs somehow? You really don't know much about the gym, about the female anatomy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I put my hand up for all of it, yeah. No, so anyway, so back at this club where I did the podcast with you guys. Our sad little club.

I had been fired from two of my jobs. Uh-huh. I think, and so I hadn't left the house for a couple of weeks and it was like, come down and do our podcast. And I was like, really? I'm just a loser. I got no job. This has just confirmed it by being part of a podcast.

Meanwhile, we're like, how exciting since we got you. We've got a real-life girl coming in. And then I think Luke, what's his name, came in? McGregor. And he came from the back to the front. This is just like a clip showing us. Just by walking in, everyone laughed just at his face.

Which is how I felt when I looked at you today, Kyle. Kyle's got a funny face. I just feel happy looking at you. How does it feel, Tommy? It's not you for once. Yumi's so nice now that she doesn't drink. I've got some beers in the fridge if you want.

Oh, yeah, well, I've got – we've been talking about beer a little bit on this show recently because we had – a few weeks ago we were doing an episode of this and we had a couple of beers that we were drinking while we were recording. Carl went to open one and it was like half sealed and half empty as we bought it from the shop. It was a bottle of Peroni. So we hit up Peroni and we're trying to get anything out of them. You know, we've never really – we've never gotten any kind of, what,

anything free really as a result. Oh, we've gotten things here and there. But we were trying to get some kind of – Yeah, because it was happening live on the show, I guess. We get a half – you Oh, we've gotten things here and there. But we were trying to get some kind of... Because it was happening live on the show, I guess, we get a half... You know, we're getting real reactions. So it's obviously not a very good plug for Peroni. We're getting half a beer.

So we're furious. We're trying to fill airtime. We're trying to get justice from Peroni. You know, we're emailing them. We sort of get nothing back from them. Then a listener of this show messages us to tell us that he emailed asahi with the photo of us whole car holding the half empty beer and said hey this happened on a podcast that i listened to but he's clipped it no no no he did he say it was

him yeah he said it was him oh right okay yeah yeah he clipped me out of the picture just with his hand and went oh this this uh this is's happened, and just pretended it was him. And then they sent him free beer. Yeah. So meanwhile, we've got nothing out of this. And also he's emailed a different beer. Like I know they're the same company, but he's – anyway, so I email Asahi and I go, look, I know it's not your fault.

You've been fooled by one of our listeners. Here's the situation. It would be great to get some kind of justice for this. You know, we obviously want a good result here. We want to talk about the brand on the pod. Then a few days after this, I get a call from a lady who works in customer relations at Asahi, right? I pick up, hello?

And she's like, hi, is this the guy who was emailing Asahi about the podcast or something? She's fed up. She's got a hard enough job without some idiot just emailing her about a fucking podcast that he does. So I'm talking to her and she's like, yeah, look, all right, we'll send you some stuff out. We'll send you some Asahi for the podcast. So I'm thinking, this is great.

I love Asahi. We talk on the show a lot about my love of Japan. I'm thinking this could be the start of us being the spokespeople for Asahi. This could be the start of us being big in Japan, right? I was hoping for like 150 mil of beer. I've got yen signs in my eyes, right? So what I then did, we've talked in the past about how we have a listener of the show who lives in Japan, who's Japanese, bilingual. So I hit her up.

I was like, hey, we're going to talk about Asahi on the pod. God, where is this going? Yeah, is this why Yumi's been invited on today? I'm like, I want to do an ad for us. I want to kickstart this. I'll do an ad for Asahi on the pod. I want to do it in both languages. i'll do an ad for asahi on the pod i want to do it in both languages right i'll do it in japanese as well so we can send it to the you know the head comp the

head you know of asahi this could be the beginning of the pitch to us being you know the spokesman for it over this is this is like us bill murray lost it in translation style exactly yeah okay yeah right so she sends she translates this thing back she it back phonetically. I'm all ready to go. I'm thinking this would be great. Read it out on the pod. As I'm driving here, I realise they never fucking sent it. This was like three weeks ago. She's got me on the phone and gone, yeah, yeah, we'll send you some Asahi.

They've fucked me. They've played me. They thought they were just going to get a big free ad out of me and just not have to send me any product. So have you followed up with them? Have you written back them no not yet what more can i do i'm not going to now be on the foot but you want you want me to call them no yeah i kind of do yeah i kind of do this is yumi steins i'm half japanese yeah you know asahi's not got nothing to do with japan now here in australia it's just like twoies Yeah, it's owned by the same people as...

No, no, well, they bought out Carlton United Breweries here, I think. It's just trash now. My mum is Japanese, right? Okay. She gets... She used to do this when I was a drinker, right, for the whole family. She'd go to the Japanese grocer and buy six-pack cans of Sapporo beer for the entire family so we'd all get a six-pack each with those big 800ml cans.

But they were the proper ones because you'd get them from the Japanese grocer. So they'd been made in Japan and they tasted right. The ones you get at the bottle shop just taste like Carlton United Brewery's beer. Sorry to break it to you. No, I've got a friend who's like that, who's just one of those guys who's obsessive about going in and we'll rinse the bottle shop owner it's like mate you've got to import this stuff you can't just have the stuff that's bottled here this is shit but yeah i don't know i think i don't know what we do from here

because it's the same deal as you know a couple weeks ago uh so another thing that we've been ripped off about lately is we entered a competition for sunrise and they never announced who the winners were. And I tried to rig it as much as I could. I thought we definitely got this in the bag. And we didn't win it. We didn't win it. It was a trip of like eight people to go to Thailand. I was like, this is the fucking dream.

Absolute dream. They didn't announce who won. We obviously didn't win. They didn't announce who won. I'm like, isn't that a rule that you have to announce who won? Because it's a big prize too. You think for the show, that would be a good thing for the show to announce who wins. Yeah.

So then we were like flooding social media with like, fuck Sunrise, you know, and then I started hitting up the Today Show and going, oh, you know, you should sponsor us or whatever because we're happy to get on board you guys. Fuck Sunrise. And then they hit me up. You were just thinking, how did this get sadder than when I was on six years ago? The boss of Today Show hits me up and goes, you know what? We're on board.

Awesome. We'll sort you out with a holiday. Great. I'm like, great. Yeah, I'll get back to you. I'm like, great. That was like a month ago. I keep hitting him up every second day going, is anything happening?

He's like, nothing. No, crickets. I think that you don't understand how it works in TV, Carl. I'm fine to be explained to. Okay, so they're really busy, A, and B, they don't care. So you have to make everything super, super easy for them. Right. So show them the deal that you want, the package provider,

the names of your guests, their dates of birth, preferred travel times. Like a little kid with their birthday list. Here's what I want. And then make it something that they can then go, yep, got it. Let's make that happen. But this is all going through Twitter. I don't think the person in charge of the Today Twitter page. No, no, no, no, no, no, because then it transferred to email.

I was talking to like the head honcho in there. Yeah. Yeah. So it should be happening, but I'll just check my email again. Still nothing happening. I think today have a few more problems than just this prize at the minute. What's the problem? No one's watching that show anymore.

Well, we could change that. Yeah, exactly. But that's the thing. I was like saying, oh, here's our influence or here's our listeners or whatever. And it's like, you know, when you our influence or here's our listeners or whatever. And it's like, you know, when you look at Breakfast TV, not a lot of people actually watch it. No. Like, you know, if all of our listeners got on board a Breakfast TV show, it would make a huge jump.

It's an actual thing. So they should be at our doorstep giving us fucking trips to Thailand for sure. We could be the, you know, the Thai cash cow or whatever the fuck it is. What's the Today Show one? I wake up with today, that's all they say. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right, right, right. Yeah, because we did, I mean, we talk a lot on the show about the crushing defeats that we have. Things seldom go right for us.

And then we had this week where all of a sudden it's like, today they're coming to the party. We're getting a free holiday. Asahi are going to send us free beer. And then they've both just fucked us and left us on read yeah and we've both given them an ad

on the show and gone oh fucking these guys everyone support our friends and then they just go no thanks it just absolutely goes that'll do yeah i reckon you need to just

send another follow-up email get tommy to write it because car last time you wrote an email to someone you fucked it up with the crunchy gate tommy write an email to them. Just say,

hey, this is what's happening. Our listeners are on board. We're going to really promote your programs or your beer. I reckon you'll get it. Yeah, maybe. Yumi Steins is involved. Well, hopefully now that we've talked about it on this app, we've got the star power of Yumi Steins. Maybe this does something for us. Do you know what? Maybe your branding doesn't align with Peronis

enough. Yeah, but... Because if you look at their ads and stuff, it's beautiful women, right? Yeah, and? So, for you guys, maybe you need to look for a VB sponsorship. Beautiful women. The exact kind that are absolutely repelled and disgusted by me. How much more perfect could it be? That's what I was thinking about the Today Show, actually.

I was thinking maybe they were all like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and then I think they probably had to listen to one episode and went, nah, actually, block. I don't know. Well, yeah, do we give up on this? Is there anything else we can do? No, fuck no. Have you met me?

It's like I'm going to get this out of them, and if not, I'm going to set them on fire and absolutely start a campaign online to never watch that tv show again yeah so what's so from here you're just gonna keep just keep up the emailing so absolutely who are you angry at sunrise or today ourselves everyone life the divine creator who set us on this path no since then you've got a podcast now as well yumi so uh welcome to this life, except yours is probably a lot more official and successful. Well, no, we do all right. What are your numbers?

Are you allowed to talk about it? Nah. Nah. I think always when you take the mystery out of podcasting once you talk numbers. So, you know. You sold out the Sydney Opera House. You got good numbers. We do all right. We made 300 people fly to Thailand. You know. You sold out the Sydney Opera House. You got good numbers. We do all right.

We made 300 people fly to Thailand. You know. That's amazing. We do fine. We do all right. But you've got a very similar podcast to us. Why is everyone laughing? Your face right now.

Why is everyone laughing? We Need To Talk. Ladies. It's called Ladies. Ladies We Need To Talk Ladies Ladies We Need To Talk Right sorry So which is very similar To ours Very similar

I think No because Well people think That like literally No girls listen to our podcast Whereas I think It's about a 60-40 split It's like surprising

People just think It's like Fuckhead guys In 5XL t-shirts That come to our live shows And listen to us And that's it And yes

They are out there They definitely are There are some There are some but so so there is in society it's all you know i think it's pretty indicative of general and so but i think we're about a 60 40 split of girls so definitely you know whenever we uh when we have girls on the show there's heaps of girls are always like you know we should get more girls on so they're very happy. But your podcast, I imagine, would be – have you got much of a – are you the other way? Have you got any guys that are listening? Yeah, a lot of guys listen, but we don't have – well, I've never seen stats on the gender split. So I can't say for sure.

Guessing, I'd say 90% women listen. And the men who listen love it because it's like eavesdropping on that conversation that girls have when they feel like there are no men around. And when they lean in and they're like, and then this happened. So their ears prick up and they get a lot of intel that they really really enjoy having access to. Is it you

and someone from Dolly Doctor? No, so that's the book I wrote about periods which is Dr. Melissa Kang who's a specialist in adolescent health and sexual health. But no, it's just me. And then we have lots of guests. So usually it's the most recent ep is about STIs. So we did a call out for women who've had STIs to come on and talk about their experience of it.

And then, of course, doctors or people in the medical profession who talk about being on the other side of dealing with that for women. So when did it turn from STDs to STIs? STI, what does the I stand for? Infections. Sexually transmitted. Infection. Infection, yeah. Because it's not a disease.

That's just my cover of just, I don't even know how to say it, let alone have it. So I'm clean, everyone. Speaking of STIs, last week I went to the doctor because I have high cholesterol. My dad had it. That's not one of them, by the way, just so you know. I fucked someone with high cholesterol. I fucked a fat lady and now I have high cholesterol. Because it runs in my family.

Both sides of my family have high cholesterol, so I always try and get it. It's in the high section at the minute, so I'm on medication now. But I had to do a urine test because they test for protein. If you've got high protein in your urine, that's bad for your heart. And so I went to get my test results back, and the guy, the doctor, just had a whole stack of pages. He was going, all right, this first one.

Okay, so you don't have chlamydia. That's good. I'm like, what do we do? And he was testing me for STIs as well without asking me surely he should ask did you wonder when he was testing for cholesterol

by sticking like a rod up your dick did you not wonder about any of that or that's good though right isn't that what you it's fine

but surely you ask them first oh we're going to do a whole bunch of STI testing not just spring up because I've been with my wife for 16 years okay

if I've got an STI, we need to have a conversation. So if the doctor had a – you had to walk back in and he checks his clipboard and said, Josh Earl, you have AIDS, you'd be like, how dare you? Yes. That's private men's business actually. How dare you bring that up? But yeah, don't you think you should ask first? Say, oh, we're going to do a test and it's not going to be

cholesterol and blood pressure. It's going to be for everything. Yeah. I reckon they just were reading out someone else's results. Oh, so I might have it. Great. I've got gonorrhea. Did he say your name?

Did he say Josh? Yes. He said Josh. He said, yeah, it was all legit. Right. I think. That is weird. Yeah, was it just a general thing?

Like he just said, you look like you don't have it yeah yeah you look pretty clean i don't know no it was the proper official tests i don't know i don't think they should have to tell you because if they find that you've got it then you need to know that so that's good that you know oh i don't know i reckon it is a weird thing to not bring it up to say you will get these results on top of everything sure yeah yeah yeah because it is a weird thing to somehow use the same test for cholesterol that it does for herpes. Chlamydia, yeah. Yeah.

Right. That's weird. But anyway. Sorry, I sidetracked that. This is a bitter jug of piss that you had on the go, Josh. Was there protein in it? Did it look like it had? No.

Because I go to the gym and I take protein powder afterwards, I was worried that it could be high... Because I didn't even look up on that. I said, oh, that's healthy. You buy it from the health food shop, so it must be healthy for you and I'm fine. Right. Just got to take some heart medication.

It's just getting sexier and sexier. But, like I said, there's plenty of boys that listen to this show. And, you know, Tommy's single, so I said, there's plenty of boys that listen to this show. And, you know, Tommy's single. So I thought maybe... Good acting looking shock to you. I noticed when you came in, Carl was talking about his kid. You asked Josh if he had kids. No need to ask me.

She was just like, whose kid is this? Have you got, like, maybe three tips of, like, what kid is this? Have you got maybe three tips of what boys should know? About? About girls. I think even the people here should know more about girls, but definitely the listeners of this show. What's something that we should know that guys don't know? I have so much advice about that.

Well, three is fine well maybe i start with one because this one might bring us undone but this is something i'd like to tattoos or somewhere or sculpt in in stone and it's quite sexual so just bear with me nice when you're a straight man having sex with a straight woman tommy heard of it remember that i'm married i've just had a child so i'm struggling to remember as well with a straight woman. Tommy, remember that? I'm married. I've just had a child, so I'm struggling to remember as well.

Men have a tendency, and this is very universal, to go straight for your pussy. Right. And women really would love it if you would delay that. Go straight to the... I was going in, I was like, Women really would love it if you would delay that. Go straight to the... I was going in, I was like, what am I doing?

The pornos I've been watching are right. So there's so much... So you're saying that's in any shape or form, in terms of hand, mouth, anything else? Yes, absolutely. Using anything, just leave it alone for as long as you can. Don't go there. And then use your imagination to think of all the places that it's lovely for a woman to be touched.

So I think for a man, it's really lovely to be touched on your penis. I've heard of it. Not the thing that came to mind for me, first of all. Absolutely it was. I can't remember another part of my body. The mistake is that men think that the same applies to

women and it really doesn't. So we are different. There are beautiful ways that you can get you can get into the language of sex and stimulation that don't involve the pussy right like even the hands um hair yeah it doesn't even have to be something where you have to remove items of clothing so if if you picture this like a graph right um now we're talking i'm so sorry to get so sexual no this is great uh so i always think of it as uh so this is time on the on the uh x-axis right that's down the bottom yep and on the y-axis this is arousal right okay right so arousal going straight up i like it so. Let's say you do a lot of touching and kissing and necking and nuzzling

and all the things that women really like, right? Across time, you're going to get the woman really, really, really aroused. It's going to go up in a lovely straight line. It's going up right now. Right? The minute you put your finger on or in her pussy, the arousal is not going to go up anymore. It's going to flatline.

So the later you leave that moment, the more horny she will get, which means the whole sexual experience for her will be so much better. The minute you stick your fingers there, that's it. She's not going to go any further. Right. Right? Oh my God, I've got to make some phone calls. So just delay that.

There's a bunch of other places that you can touch. So that's part one of that part B is when you are touching it fuck this is confusing, part one and part B there's so much about women it's mysterious to me they just go from numbers to letters no wonder I fucking got no idea

they're bloody speaking their own language okay so sorry, part two part two of that is once you are there in the underpants area, what you're touching, so imagine the pressure that you're applying is a 10, right? Aim to do it at a one. Right.

This is universal as well. Men generally, and that's tongue, hands, whatever, penis, just dial it right back, and then if she wants more, she can ask for it. That's the most stunning. Carla's face just looks so shocked. I'm just thinking of questions. Just the computer with smoke coming out of it

and reams of paper just flying out. Just going back through a lot of memories of confused faces. going back through a lot of memories of like confused faces and that's my advice for all men listening who was straight so i felt like i had a good when i was 17 my girlfriend was 21 and she'd been with enough people that she was good at going no you're not doing it right and so she always told me don't just go straight for the clitoris that's like because that was the thing i got because it was always told oh men can't find it. So I'm going to be good at finding it. Yeah. And then bang.

At 17. But it was. And then once I find it, this is going to be great. And then she's like, no, slow down. Don't just go there. So is that another good tip? Oh, totally, totally. Yeah.

It's good if you can find it. Thanks, Megan, for telling me that. Yeah. But most men, when they find it, they apply a 10 when they need to apply a 1. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I think, you know, that idea of the cliche of guys, you know, being selfish lovers and, you know,

not attending to business down there and stuff like that. I think I've always been like that guy that's been like gung-ho going, well, you know what? I'll get this done. I will absolutely get everything done first. Oh, God. I'm going to eat my veggies first. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll earn my dessert. Don't worry about that, all right? I'm going to get to work. Fucking hell. And when I'm finished with you, you'll be very happy, all right? Let's get down to it. Which I think I'm listening to all of your words now is slightly the wrong thing maybe.

Just you saying that. Very determined. Very determined to do the right thing. Just you saying that while we're in a room surrounded by children's paraphernalia. Hey, what can I say? I get results. But I always find that once,

say you're giving them a massage first, it's always going to lead to, you know, if they're lying on their stomach and you're giving them a massage, then half their body's not done because you're going to work your way down and then you're going to stay in that area for way longer than you need to and then their leg's going to be like, oh, I'm all tense on my legs now. No? What are you talking about?

Lie down on your front, Tommy. I'll give you a massage. And you'll notice I start with your shoulders. I work my way down. And then once I'm at the area, then that'll lead to something else. And then your legs are going to be tense because I'm not going to massage your legs after I've finished. You're just reminding me of so many creepy guys. Yeah, I feel way better about what I said now, actually.

I'm fine. Just the classic creepy high school mate who got super into giving massages. Yeah, yeah. I don't whip that at parties. My girls want a massage. I did a theatre degree. That's a creepy high school mate who got super into giving massages. Yeah, yeah. With that. He's like, girls want a massage. I did a theatre degree. That was three years of me just going, I'm not massaging anyone. You're all sex pests.

Yeah, yes. Every morning there's guys there massaging you. You know they just want to have sex with you. And now look at you going, you get down to the lakes and they're a bit tense. What are you talking about? Once you get there, you just have sex. And then's like then the rest of the mouth such is gone. It was all just a ruse to have sex. And you know, because it's the person that you're married to, well me anyway, it's like

I know we're just going to have sex. This isn't transferable advice. Yumi, what do you think about this breakdown that's happening over here? Is there anything good coming out of this? There's definitely a breakdown occurring. over here. Is there anything good coming out of this? There's definitely a breakdown occurring. So, Josh, what you're saying is

that by the time you get to the bottom, you're horny, right? Yes, exactly. You're starting to get your face in there. Does any of this ring true? Yeah, but the thing is, this is, okay, just for me to give you some good advice.

First of all, you had Mrs. Robinson when you were 17. Yeah. That's really good. But don't think that you know it all. No, definitely not. Because you can still learn and you can still top up your knowledge and maybe try something new. The other thing is women love just a no-strings massage,

like an actual massage that doesn't necessarily lead to sex. Now, that's what I was going to say. Is massage a dodgy gateway? Does it bring up any alarm bells? Because to me, massage is a sort of, yeah, like the skill set of a creep, of a weirdo, sort of. No. And maybe not all the time.

Second only to magic tricks. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. Exactly. The domain of the pest. No, but it is really appreciated, which translates to horniness in the bank. So it's appreciated by women when you

can just have a massage that is just a massage and doesn't lead to sex. But then the next time sex is being initiated, they're remembering that strings-free massage from the time before. Yeah, and they're like, I love that. And they're so, they're into you strings-free massage from the time before. Yeah, and they're like, oh, I loved that. So they're into you.

They're into you. As long as you don't finish the massage by bringing out your wallet and then writing in it, I did one massage on this date. He could tell that I was really tense in the leg and he was still able to control himself. I'm coming from a guy, I've been married for 10 years. If we're both naked, we know what's going to happen. There's no surprises left.

What, are you going to go take a dump in front of each other? That's what it is. If we're both naked, you know what's going to happen and that's what I said, Your Honour. Taking a dump in front of each other, where's that on the graph? Is the line still going up? I think a lot of people are into just being really open but i'm not i think that the some doors should remain closed yeah yeah marriage the last long-term relationship i was in we yeah got to a point where yeah we were living together

and there was a lot of openness and it's like it's kind of cool in its own way to begin with because it's like oh this shows that we cool in its own way to begin with, because it's like, oh, this shows that we're, you know, really strong together and everything. But then it's like, well, you can't close that door again. And God, it'd be nice to just have a vacation where we just pretend for like a week that we never crossed this threshold. Where I'm not seeing her poo face. I mean, I wouldn't go that far, but sure. I'm now, yeah, I've always been a closed door, bathroom closed door, no matter what.

Oh, you're such a gentleman. No, but sometimes I'm insisting on the other person doing it. Can you close it? Yeah. Yeah. But now with a child, there's a few bathroom doors just creeping open now, which is just a slightly, I'm not. There's a few bathroom doors just creeping open now,

which is just a slightly, I'm not... Are you just accepting that that's part of the package? A little bit. It's just creeping in a little bit. I'm trying to make sure it doesn't happen, but there's just a few times now where it makes it harder. I think that unlike Tommy's belief, you can go back. You can say, all right, we had a bit of time while the baby was little. Let's now resume keeping the door shut. Right. Yeah, it's not forever. And you can be a you can say all right we had a bit of time while the baby was little let's now resume keeping the door shut right yeah okay good and you can be a fucking adult and go hey

remember how we shat in front of each other let's wind that back because i quite like having the door closed let's role play yeah let's role play we'll both pretend to be good people yeah both pretend we're extremely repressed yeah all right, so that was tip one. Yeah, yeah. Second tip. Tip one, sex tips. I've learned a lot. Yeah. Appreciate it, but I can't help feel that,

at least as far as I'm concerned, we really are putting the cart before the horse here. Yeah, yeah, no, yeah, totally. Totally. No, but look, that's good because massages, again, I realise I've probably got the wrong idea. I think I'm a bit too competitive because I'm happy to give a really good massage to my wife. But then she goes, oh, that was great.

Thank you so much. Now, you jump on the bed and I'll give you one. I go, nah, you're shit at it. I don't want one. No, it's a waste of my fucking time. Like, you won't do it hard enough. And she's like, oh, okay. Aww.

But I'm just like, I can't sit there and she's like, you know, I want to be thrown around the room when I have a massage. Yeah, I understand. I don't want someone just sort of doing fingertips and going, there you go. Does that feel nice? I'm like, no, it actually doesn't feel nice. See, I've never been one for doing the massage in a relationship because I reckon I'd be really bad at it.

And it's kind of a weird thing to me that people go, oh, we'll just give these to each other because it's like, it's a thing that people study to do. It's like a, you know, it's a profession. It's like now, oh, just fuck around on your shoulders and apply some pressure. It's like, this is actually bad for you to like give it to someone and not know what you're doing. You can use some intuition.

Yes. But maybe is there something that your partner could do that's not a massage that's physical in a way of like, do you like to have your forehead padded or your hair rubbed or something? Maybe. She's given you a massage and she's like, do you want something back? You could say, yeah, pat my, whatever, your ears

or... Oh, you know what? You're right. Maybe I should do, like, my... I think my legs would be good. I think with my back and my shoulders, I just need... Don't come to me for a massage. Tense legs. my back and my shoulders. Don't come to me for a massage. Tense legs.

I'm going to get that sweet hole of yours, Carl, and just stay there. Find some keys. I think you'll find it's not so sweet, but yeah. But that's a good idea. Maybe my legs. Yeah, I think I would quite like my legs. So I had a partner, not my current one, that really liked having his his ears rubbed so i can do it in the car you know well he's driving and i'll just tug on his ears a bit just softly you really like okay anyway tip number two really

is i think and this is another serious one yeah for straight men who love straight women straight women gay women women of color are in a state of siege at the moment and i think most of us are really fucking angry and trump is part of it um bullshit boy is part of it um the current do we know who bullshit boy scott morrison okay um there's a few some new meme thing yeah yeah there's a feeling that um there's a lot It's a new meme There's a feeling that There's a lot of Gender inequality And we're getting

Woke to it And we're getting Really pissed off about it So I would really say Step the fuck up bitches Because we are going to Go to war And kick your bitch asses

If you don't all Step up a lot more Than you do right now What do we reckon guys? You really said that Just directly at me I was like Oh I'm not fighting anyone More or less Massage What do we reckon, guys? You really said that just directly to me as well. I was like, oh, I'm not fighting anyone.

More or less massage. Do more at home. Learn to cook some more shit. Vacuum. Tidy up. Don't wait to be told. Shoulder the mental load more. Remember birthdays.

Remember shit like that that she does. Yes. Take on some of that stuff. That is what I would do because women are just going to turn to other women and all you're going to be useful for is opening jam jars and we only need one of those guys per village. Christ, I can't even fucking do that. No, I can't really.

All right. What do you reckon is the most appreciated jobs then? Something like that. Again, like the massage, what's something that's going to really stand out? Birthdays. Really? Right.

So your own kids' birthdays, organise the the presents contact the parents do all that shit and then your family those birthday presents those phone calls the card that you've got to send the visits you've got to create and uh follow through with that's your fucking problem if she's managing your people like like your mum, that's not her job. Right. Same goes for you, Josh. Well, Josh is in that wheelhouse at the moment, I guess. I'm not quite there yet because I've got a seven-month-old. So what's the hot tip for me?

What do I get extra brownie points? For competence with the baby, I guess. So you can feed the baby, change the baby, bath the baby. You stay at home. I'm roughly a stay-at-home dad at the moment. So I'm doing all right with all that stuff at the moment. But are you? Because I have the same situation.

I'm doing my best. You've just walked in. You don't know me. Because I have the same situation where I'm the breadwinner. My partner stays at home and he takes care of the kids. What a pussy. But he can't cook right yeah so i get home i am like uh i'm fucking working my ring off right i've been running at a sprint all day i walk through the door there is nothing to eat

he has not thought about that he hasn't put food in the fridge and i am so i walk in the house and i'm still sprinting it doesn't it doesn't stop for me. And then I look around, there's shit all over the floor. Clean up. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I realise I'm guilty. There's a gender division in labour at home where women are shouldering most of that and men are quite happy to just piggyback on that. And I would do the same if I were a man.

It's fucking sweet. You've got a sweet deal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I think I'm laundry, dishes. I'm not so much cook, cooking though. So, I brought you a cookbook. Yes. Learn a couple of things. The Zero Fucks Cookbook.

Yeah. It seriously can change so much. If you can cook two or three dishes that are actually yummy and healthy and help her feel yummy and powerful and like her feel yummy and powerful. Like green things are really good. It can really make a difference. Yeah, great. Sorry to be so serious.

No, no, no. That's fine. I'm interested in this stuff. I know it does feel a little bit like we've got an alien from Mars and we're studying them. We've got a girl on the podcast. What's it like? I just like these guys being put on blast because they're in marriages

about what they could do better and it's just like just being alone finally pays off. Like, yeah, I probably would do all that stuff but, yeah, I'm fine. I am pretty good though. I mean, Beck, pretty straight down the middle of everything. My job is always getting the kids ready for school and always getting them out the door on time and she works very early in the morning so she's

out at the door and then I... She does cook most of the dishes though for dinner but I do all the lunches and all that kind of stuff for her so it's alright. But I do the cakes for their birthday and I think that's a bullshit. Aren't you great? I'm like, no, because I'm getting credit on that one as well, which I think is

because it's a show off. Oh, here's the cake. Whereas Becca's probably, she sent out all the invitations to the parents and all that kind of shit. So I'll make sure I'll get on that text chain. Oh, yeah. There should be like a table of like what everything is really worth. So it's like amount of time and effort versus props that you get.

You know what I mean? So if something's relatively low effort but everyone sees it and goes, good on you. Because cake is very showy and it's very clearly once a year. Yeah. Whereas like vacuuming, that takes a long time. It's difficult work.

No one comes in and goes, wow, this floor's immaculate. What you'll find, Tommy, when someone does finally fall in love with you. When? Thank you. Guaranteed. you and make thank you guaranteed is that men no matter what they do they're they're uh the thank you and the credit is amplified for me okay right with parenting related stuff is yeah as soon as you go out to any playground with your kid you get so many more compliments as a man aren't you a good dad where you're just pretty much sitting there on your phone going oh yeah this is what

am i meant to be doing yeah whereas my wife when she took one of my kids out, he'd lost his shoe. She didn't realise, like he's in the pram. And a woman scolded her, he's going to get cold feet, he'll get a cold, you should put another shoe on him. And I'm like, she's like, I can't win, can't win. So for the women listeners, that 40% that are listening, the other thing that I've quit, so I've quit birthdays and if my partner doesn't do it, it doesn't happen. Wait, what?

You quit birthdays? So I don't do any of the birthday stuff. Oh, right. Okay. I thought you just didn't believe in birthdays. No, no. It's a construct. Her and her partner really tried to have a baby on a leap year on February 29.

So he organises it or it doesn't happen, which means it often doesn't happen, which is fine. I've quit book week. Now, this is the thing. I don't think we really had book week when I was – When we were kids? No. Yeah.

So, book week, for those of you who don't know, your kid has to dress up as a character from a book and kind of probably will be asked to talk about why they chose that character. I can't be bothered. I'm quite busy. I'm not interested. So, that's my partner's problem. And this year, for the first time ever, I quit Christmas.

Love it. I'm not doing it. Because I've worked my ass off to make everything fantastic for everyone. And everyone feels included. And there's great food. And the right presents are bought. Fuck it. I'm not doing it this year.

We can eat whatever. Maybe we'll eat KFC. Or maybe we'll eat some delicious salad. The kids will still have a good time. Someone will get them presents for sure. But I'm not going to kill myself over it. Yeah, love it. I haven't done that. Someone will get them presents for sure. But I'm not going to kill myself over it. Yeah, love it. I haven't done that.

I've only done the traditional Christmas. But I am fascinated with the idea of going to KFC for Christmas. Yeah. It's big in Japan. Yeah, it's very Japanese. And KFC is pretty good. Yeah, totally. And there's probably not a huge queue on Christmas Day.

Well, in Australia it would be closed, surely. No, I think it's open. It's open, is it? You've got to have something open because there's probably not a huge queue on Christmas Day. Maybe, isn't it? Well, in Australia it would be closed, surely. No, I think it's open. It's open, isn't it? You've got to have something open because there's plenty of people that don't have families and whatever. So you've got to have – that's what I want to do. I mean, I do really love – my favourite meal the entire year is my mum cooking a roast.

And that's not me forcing my mum to cook a roast. She enjoys it. I give her a massage. I give her a massage. mum to cool her off. She enjoys it. I give her a massage. So I've got indigestion.

Something just crawled back up inside yourself. The graph is plummeting. But I do really love that. But I am very intrigued by just going somewhere and letting someone else sort out, you know, in a restaurant, in a shop, in a fast food restaurant. Or, Carl, actually doing it yourself. Yeah, all right. Let's not go nuts.

Yeah, yeah. Let's baby steps. Yeah, because with children, it's often like a restaurant is hard too because they'll destroy it and, you know it'll cost a lot more yeah if you could learn to do great potatoes for the roast i did i already looked up this morning i looked at some of your tips in the in the cookbook already and there's uh some potato based things that looked extremely good and they're massive fan of the scallop potato oh yeah i love it yeah so that's that already got bookmarked don't worry yeah all right

that's what i'm gonna do i'm gonna i'm gonna learn a couple of your your little tricks and uh uh surprise my wife for that all right yeah that'll be good can i have a follow a couple follow-up questions about the things that you've quit so um so when you say you've quit birthdays yep so kids so when you said your partner now will just forget to do them so they don't happen so that's like what your kids kid's birthdays. Kids get excited for their birthday. They get up. Sorry, there's no birthday this year.

Is that an actual scenario that's happened? No, so the birthday party. Okay. So the birthday party is real. One of my good friends had a mental breakdown organizing her kid's birthday party. And I fell into a real – I don't know if it was a depression, but it was like a two-week slump where I was so out of power that I sort of fell in a heap for two weeks organizing a kid's birthday.

There's a lot of pressure. You feel like it's an expression and a measure of your love for your kid and if you muck it up, then that's you not loving your child enough. So is there a lot more things, and again, because I'm only broaching this now with a child, there was no book work growing up. Now, book work's this big thing. It's the same with birthday parties. So when I was a kid, it was like, here's a bag of snakes alive.

You know, pass it around. See, it wasn't like that then. Somebody made you a cake? Yeah. Somebody organized a bunch of kids to turn up with presents for you with probably some suggestions of what presents you liked. Not really. A time and a place.

Let's make it from three till five at our house. So then cleaning the house and then providing enough food that they don't lose their minds because they've just eaten snakes alive. Yeah, yeah. Having to put up with the parents of other kids who they fucking can't stand. Oh, the worst. Yeah. And then there's maybe you have to provide a bit of food for the parents as well or cups

of tea and chit chat. And it's really a lot more than just an afternoon. It's quite a lot of lead up time and then it's social pressure uh you have to what my friend says you have to extrovert for a while right which can be very draining for people and then um you know at the at the same time you're focusing on your kid please be happy please love every second of this keeping the danger away from the kid the emotional threats you know it really, really a huge load on a person. Yeah. And in generalizing, of course, but in a lot of heterosexual situations, the men don't see it.

And you'll see them standing around with a beer in their hand chatting to the other dad. You're like, get the fuck off the balloons, you motherfucker. No, I'm working the grill. I'm contributing. Yeah, yeah. Good job. I'm turning the corn. Turning the corn at the birthday party.

Even just having a barbecue at a birthday party. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A four-year-old's birthday party. Who wants chops? Yeah, yeah. Who could stick a candle in a sausage? Okay, so you've had kids' birthdays that just haven't eventuated. And the kids of what?

They know about this rule? They've been fine with that? No, they forget. They forget after a while. Oh, after a while. So you are. When? They know about this rule? They've been fine with that? Do they go nuts? No, they forget. They forget after a while. Oh, after a while. So they hassle you out. When's my party going to be? And I ask Dad.

So you're not doing Christmas this year then? Well, yeah. Does your youngest still believe in Santa Claus? Yeah, yep, yep. Okay. Yep. So we're totally going to do Christmas. Sorry for listeners.

So listeners don't know. I'm just asking if you believe. If you don't believe, you don't receive kids, okay? Mentally, at least, we have listeners that are that age. We'll do Christmas, but I'm not doing the Christmas. So the kids will still get presents. I'm not buying any of them. But someone will, and they'll definitely have a fun time.

But I'm not going to be going, we've got to make that special potato salad, and I've got to go to the fish market at 2am to get the perfect salmon or whatever. I'm not doing it. I love it. My family aren't doing Christmas this year. We're going to Honolulu.

Great! Yeah, can't wait. That sounds amazing. Tommy's going to it. I love it. Yeah. My family aren't doing Christmas this year. We're going to Honolulu. Great. Yeah. Can't wait. That sounds amazing. Tommy's going to have sex for a bet. Yeah. Yeah, we've got a bet going on this podcast. God knows how this started.

We got caught in a riff where I've now been challenged to hook up with someone Christmas Day. He's going to have Christmas sex in Hawaii. Are you on Tinder? Well, I'm going to have to be, I guess. I guess, yeah. Otherwise, he doesn't get that sweet $60. And this is a question that's come up off the back of this.

Let's say I'm successful in this quest and I get paid this money. Does that technically make me a sex worker, given that I have, in effect, been paid the sex? Not by the person that's getting the sex, so maybe that's the line. By a third party. The whole thing's a bit dicey, Tommy. Are you feeling all right ethically about it? I'm feeling fine about it.

Tommy's feeling fine about it because he's going to be touched by a woman. I definitely don't want to just do this for the... It would be cool to meet someone. Do you know what I mean? I'm not going to just go, oh, yeah, okay, whatever. That's gross.

I don't want to do that. Just imagine at one o'clock in the afternoon with your parents, all right, mum and dad, I'm off. I've got to finish this bed. Sorry.

Merry Christmas, but I've got to try and have sex. I've got to organise the condom and the lube and meeting a woman. This is worse than organising Christmas lunch.

No, I'm just picturing this woman going, and then I found out like three months later that he was doing it for a bet. It's totally like a dodgy rom-com, isn't it? She's all that or whatever. Yeah, it could be very hurtful for her if she thinks she's just being roped into something. Yeah. Yeah, so you want to either disclose

or you want to make sure you actually like her. I i do a podcast and i'm doing this for a bit so will you please have sex with me i might get people over the line i'll cut you in on the profits i'll go 60 40 with you how's that sound no i know what you mean like i don't i don't want to be doing yeah i'm not going to just be like ruthlessly on Tinder just finding anyone. But I do think it is because I've never – you know, some people when they travel and they're single, the big part of it is just, you know, you're a bit more carefree,

you hook up. I've never been – I've never hooked up with someone when I've been travelling, when I've been on a holiday. So it is – it's kind of that is – it's like interesting to sort of explore that. Plus also it is just a funny kind of that is, it's like interesting to sort of explore that. Plus also it is, it's a funny thing to be trying to do that when you're on a holiday with your parents. How old are you now?

23. Guess, how old do you think I am? I don't know. I don't know. 33. Okay. Yeah, we've known each other about 10 years or something. Yeah, something like that.

Yeah. Well, I think you should totally have sex on holidays anyway. Don't you reckon? Like, that's what we wish we could do. Yeah, right. Yeah. So you kind of got a bit of swagger on. You got money in your pocket, hopefully.

You got the accent. Yeah, I've got the accent. The kid accent. There's a few months. I could do a short course on massage before I head over. Give myself the extra advantage. Hit me up when you're there and I'll come in when they're focusing on the legs. I could do a short course on massage before I head over, give myself the extra advantage. Hit me up when you're there and I'll come in when they're focusing on the legs. I'll come back for those ones.

In Honolulu going, here's my point of difference. I can give massages. You're not going to get that anywhere else here. I like this bit and the girl turning around at one point and sort of going, what are you doing? And you're going, Yumi said to do this. Where are you on the graph right now? Point of that.

And eat your scallop potatoes. What scares me about that, Tommy, is the idea of being nude in front of a stranger. The massage. The having sex with someone new. Oh, big time. Yeah. Does it get easier?

No. No. Well, but also this is the other thing. Does it get easier? No. No. Well, but also this is the other thing. Does it get harder? Yeah. I guess too when you drink and you're single, a big part of it is when you hook up. You've had a few drinks so you've alleviated that.

People who quit drinking and then are still single and dating, that blows me away just how you navigate that. That seems just so foreign. I would love to get to a point where I quit drinking, but I think I'd have to be happily in a relationship and just being like. So if you were in a hookup situation meeting a girl at a bar and sex was a possibility, how many drinks would you have? Oh, good question.

That's a really good question. So what, someone I've met there or I'm like on a first date? You're on a date. It's prearranged and the thumbs are up. So yeah, because it's a tricky one because you've got to have enough to have that Dutch courage but not too many to then not be able to function. Yeah. I don't want to – because I guess it's like if the date's going well

and you're having a good time and you're enjoying each other's company, then you're probably going to stay and have more drinks just because you're enjoying being around each other. So that means you're probably going to get to a point where, yeah, like you're saying, you probably are more drunk than you perhaps should be. But, yeah, I don't know. Maybe there's no good number to say. No, there is a good number to say.

Because if you're having a good time out, you drink pretty quickly as well. I drink very fast, yeah. I can put them away. So what, six? I'd say six. Probably six is the sweet spot spot I reckon you're being conservative I reckon I am too

I reckon you'd be eight Probably eight yeah Yeah But once you know it's on then If you like you know You're both flirting Oh this is going to happen Will you just stop drinking

See this is the thing I'm bad at reading those signs And I'm not like a confident enough person To ever be around someone And be like Oh yeah this is the thing i'm bad at reading those signs and i'm not like a confident enough person to ever be around someone and be like oh yeah this is definitely on so in my head what's a girl have to do to get tommy daslow over the line then literally just say let's get out of here and go to your place right i have had that happen before where people have been like are you fucking ever gonna try anything or what and maybe like oh i mean oh, I mean, I'd hate to presume. It's like three in the morning by this point.

Yeah, right. Yeah. She's nude in a bar. She's beckoning me once a year. I've got a lot of stories about male Australian friends travelling overseas who, you know, they might be in some fantastic place like Rio and they're at a bar and all the women are sexy and dancing and hardly drinking at all. And the Australian men have sort of hit this loop of drinking and pissing because you keep

filling your bladder up with beer and you have to do loops back to the bar, back to the toilet. Get tested for chlamydia. Yep. And they're going round and round and round and gradually spiral into a little booze hole while the people who are a little bit more socially fluent, I guess, are dancing and being sexy with each other. Yeah. And the men go home alone because they haven't interacted and they haven't got their sexy on.

They've just got their drink on. And I think it's something that Australian men do a lot. And I think in that situation, let's say we'd been tindering and we got a kind of a good vibe and you were being upfront about your expectations. And there was a fact that this is for a bet. This is for a bet. Well, you know, yeah, that's for a bet. You're horny and you're single and, you know, you're up for it and you're communicating all this stuff. If we then met in a bar and you had to put away eight beers before you did anything, that would be really super, super boring to me.

Yeah, okay. And I would be like I would much rather fuck a guy two or three beers in when he's actually paying attention to me and my body and my needs than eight beers in when he's barely like focusing and he's got to keep pissing and he might not get it up. Like that's really unappealing. In the hierarchy of what he's seeing, I want him to see me first and the beers second. Yeah.

So I think like it could be inhibiting your ability to get laid. You need to drink more. Yeah, I guess it's just a bit of an ingrained thing and I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking this of like you go out on a date and maybe like thinking that the other person needs to be loosened up a bit as well. Do you know what I mean? Like not going in and thinking like, well, this is a done deal.

And it probably speaks to the amount of confidence I have with that kind of stuff, which is, you know, utterly negligible. But just assuming that, yeah, well, she'd probably want to be having a few drinks as well, as well as me, right? But that's interesting to hear. That's probably not always the case. Well, a few probably want to be having a few drinks as well, as well as me, right? But that's interesting to hear. That's probably not always the case. Well, a few is a few.

A few is two or three. Yeah. But then after that, I think the horniness starts to be dialed down and the kind of spewy potential starts to be turned up. Interesting. Yeah. Don't you think? I don't know, Josh.

Look, I'm not a very big drinker anyway. So, yeah, but I don't really know. This is interesting. But I know there's many listeners writing this down. Go fuck yourself. Stop drinking. No, totally. This is good advice.

I've got a few months until Honolulu. I've got a couple of months until Honolulu. I can go into pre-season training. Yeah. Weather's starting to get a bit better. This is you going to fuck school. All right, quickly, what's number three uh that's it oh right drink too much wow it's not hot and that's for women and men it's sloppy man it's being a sloppy bitch

yeah this is this is you off the grogs and then go and then like no one can drink if i can't drink no one can drink i totally get it and i also ate was about my lucky number two with beers i'd have about eight and feel really that was like I got what I wanted. I'm on, yeah. Yeah, and so if I didn't get laid, it'd be like, but I got my booze and I think that booze was higher up in the hierarchy for me. But I'm happy when people drink, but I do look back on some of the opportunities I had to get laid that I fucked up because I was too busy concentrating on drinking.

Really? Yeah. Now, you know, I know that's a bit of a cliche, but that's very surprising to hear. I honestly think that's the first time I've ever heard those words come from a girl, that, oh, I fucked up a chance of getting laid. Like it's always guys going, well, I fucked up because obviously I'm a fucking idiot. But I've never heard a girl say that.

Yeah, and I think it's it's really important that women see how unsexy it is when they're sloppy right yeah you know it's it's a decent guy will see that she's not making lucid choices and back away yeah and um and i think that the same goes for a girl a straight girl looking at a guy he's like she's not feeling like a priority she's gonna back away yep i kind of feel like i know you mean now i guess i think i do in that i think guys are like you know look hands down guys are the dumbest guys are fucking idiots absolute morons but a drunk yours is the only hand up though yeah yeah but but a very drunk girl is like a new dimension that's like oh yeah something so different like guys are dumb but

super drunk girls are mental yes that's i i see i can see what you mean about about stuffing up in that way yeah right but it's interesting because yeah i think that is a pretty universal thought i'd imagine it's kind of the same on both sides of just like well it is it's a crutch it's like if i'm going on a date i don't know this person i've only just conversed with them online especially now where i guess maybe in the past you would have at least met them once or twice to a friend or at a party or whatever it is in exchange it's like you are meeting people completely blind now through these apps and you're going in and realizing like i know fucking nothing about this person they're a they're a face on a screen they're a random thing from the internet and feeling like you need that,

you know, that loosening up. And then, of course, you have those couple to loosen up and then it's like, well, now I'm having a good time. I'm enjoying this vibe. So, hey, let's have another couple of drinks. And then all of a sudden, before you know it, oh, it's been four hours and we're eight drinks in and both of us are too fucked to function yeah but it is interesting to think i've never really thought of it that way that like both of you are probably

thinking like man it'd be nice to just cut out halfway through this because in my head i'm thinking like well it's just not an option like without thinking like the other person's going like god can we just can we just cut to the chase and get this over with? Yeah, a change of scene is a good way to kind of get this. To get it kind of like a middle ground between the bedroom and the bar. Yeah. You could say, how about a walk? And then you're away from the drinking. You've got fresh air and you kind of got a bit of endorphins from walking.

And, you know, you're not, they tell this, as psychologists tell you, often driving or walking because you're communicating side by side rather than sitting face to face. Yeah, right. So there's not as much intense eye contact. So you can kind of relax a bit more. Yeah. And let your guards down a bit more. So you can do a nice bonding chat walking on the beach or something, you know.

And then if that's a point where you can say, should we just go back to my room? Or do you want to watch TV in my room? Yeah, yeah. I love the beach. Just being out for a drink in Fitzroy. Hey, do you want to drive down to St Kilda and go for a walk? I can tune you in Honolulu. Yeah, yeah. Oh, right, we're back to Honolulu. Right, yeah, of course, of course, yeah.

Yeah, we're talking about your deflowering. So what I hear from all of this is the Sydney lockout laws are good for people to stop drinking, go home and have sex. More rooting, yeah. So if you're feeling a bit drunk, you're out on a date, maybe do the drive up to Sydney, finish the date up there. Right, okay. All right.

Well, yeah, I'm going to take that all on board. That's all extremely helpful. And also, Tommy, you don't have to be so down on yourself. You're super cute and adorable. There you go. It's for the poster. Yeah. This wasn't even on.

Suck it. Get ready to just see now every, like, month or so on Twitter, just me, at Yumi Child. Just did a root, Yumi. It was all thanks to you. Just checking in. Beloved guru herself. Actually, now I want you to send an update to Yumi on Christmas Day.

Okay. I'm waiting for that Christmas Day tweet. Actually, that's a good idea because I have to hold strong in my resolve to not cook for everyone on Christmas Day. So we all touch base on Twitter on Christmas Day. I'll be like what I'm having, whether I've helped with the Christmas lunch or not. Did you shit with the door closed? Yes. The perfect present.

A lock. The perfect unwrapping. I've shat underneath the tree instead. I can live stream my entire Christmas Day. I'll go live on Facebook. You guys can all gather the family around the laptop and just watch my exploits. Josh can give a massage update on Christmas day when he's done.

I've worked my way down to the feet. Maybe start on the feet. They'll get to the middle again. She'll be like bottom heavy. All roads lead to the middle. All roads lead to the tense leg. Very quickly, one last quick question. You were talking about Book Week.

Did you get any notifications of people? Because you're an author. You've written books now. Did anyone dress up as you for Book Week? Tommy's holding the Zero Fucks cookbook. It's what his trip to Honolulu is going to be. I don't think so. Someone dressed up as me for Mardi gras oh that's cool which i totally

loved um but no not for book week that i know of but maybe maybe next year how do they how do you what do they dress if you got a classic uniform that they they dress as you for at mardi gras or being asian and having glasses right okay maybe a hat no. No, I sort of wear a lot of tunics, but I think they had I'm With Yumi on their T-shirt. Right, okay. So, yeah, it was an Indigenous drag queen doing Yumi. Oh, wow. Yeah.

That's awesome. That's pretty cool. That is a new aim for us. Yeah, we need to start... The dumb Mardi Gras float. Yeah. We need to become more like cartoon characters, just wearing the exact same thing in every live podcast

and every photo shoot we do. Make it easy for people. Yeah. Yeah, right. Okay. All right. All right. Well, we'd better wrap this up.

Thanks very much, Josh Earl and Yumi Steins, for joining us. Thank you. So, yeah, Yumi, you've got a bunch of books that people can get. Yeah, I've got a period guidebook that you can get if you've got a girl in your life who's 10 to 12. It's called Welcome to Your Period. It's everything you need to know about menstruating. Yep, which you wrote with the Dolly Doctor.

That's right. Melissa Kang and I wrote it. And I've got two cookbooks out for people who don't give a fuck but still have to cook. That's me. And of course, because these are podcast listeners who are always looking for new podcasts, we've got Ladies We Need to Talk. Do you have another one? The 3 p.m Pickup is on podcast.

It does really well. It outrates Will and Woody at the moment. Cop that, Will and Woody. I could say that about a lot of things, I reckon. But yeah, check out Ladies We Need To Talk. A lot of my friends listen to it and love it and were very excited that we were having you on today. Josh, you've got Don't You Know Who I Am?

I do. My podcast comes out every week. And if you're in Melbourne, we were having you on today. Josh, you've got Don't You Know Who I Am? I do. My podcast comes out every week. And if you're in Melbourne, the live shows are on sale Sundays in November and December. Both you boys are doing it. It'll be fun. And yeah, so go to joshua.com.au for all the tickets. Awesome. Guys, thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time.

See you, mates. And they have Go on Well I'm trying to Now I've lost my place Start again Start again They have

Done it I like this so far What a dismount That's great Let's go to the judges. 6.9. That's funny stuff. Yeah.

That's funny stuff, I reckon. Let's get online and say stuff like that. Good episode. Different episode for us, sort of. Sort of. Very interesting. A lot of food for thought in this one. Yeah.

I've been reflecting. Have you been ruminating? I have been. I genuinely have been ruminating. There's a lot of stuff to kind of, yeah, head off and think about. There was some really good tips on how to fuck Yumi Steins on the episode. That's for sure. Stay away from the pussy.

That's step number one. No, yeah, a lot of interesting dating stuff, a lot of interesting self-worth stuff that I've kind of been, yeah, ruminating, marinating in the old brain box. Some good tips for you coming up and some good just reflections on what I did wrong a long time ago for me. But, you know, what's interesting about that is like she's saying this is what works, this is what you should do. And I do believe that to be true.

But then you're saying you don't necessarily think that you did those things and it still worked out. Yeah. So what's the takeaway? Yeah. Well, look, very good tips. Obviously not fail safe advice. And that's, I do, I do really enjoy, I do really enjoy the, the, the confidence of someone in any way to sort of go this is

exactly how it works right because and yumi treating us like what we are a bunch of stupid school boys yes and her going boys you clear not even asking not even giving us one second of thinking well you guys have probably got under control or you may have it under no not at all like not at all walking and going you have no idea of how to treat the fairer sex. And so here's the answers. Well, there's a real sliding doors kind of episode in here somewhere because there was a point where we were going to do it here at my house. And I was terrified of Yumi Steins coming into this virgin cuck cave

and just letting rip on all the paraphernalia that's in here. Genuinely, that was a source of great stress for me for a few hours and then luckily it got changed. But, you know, somewhere out there in a parallel universe, there's the episode where we do it here and I just get, rather than her going, stop putting yourself down, it's her obliterating me for an entire hour. No, totally.

Because she's very, she's a formidable opponent. Yeah. Not opponent, but you know what I mean. Because she can be pretty harsh. She's done that in the past and whatever, and it's very funny. And we're fans. We enjoy her work. Absolutely.

And it reminded me of that because she was quite nice on this episode, comparatively. But when I was hitting her up in a messenger the previous exchange of messages what wasn't uh i hadn't talked to her until uh what the opera house gig okay that was the last it was you asking her to do the opera house yeah yeah we're talking about that right and so she that last bunch of exchanges was about the Opera House gig and her and me going yeah cool you know the Opera House and it's going to be great

to see you there and then her going yeah I've checked the website huh you're in the small room cheers mate what a queen though she's a fucking champ

good on her good on her for coming and doing this formidable very good looking young lady and then very harsh and it's like

it's just scary it's just such a scary combo. It's really scary. Because it's like just her going, yeah, fuck you guys. And us going, oh, well, yeah, we all hot. Yeah, but then also the reversal where at the end, you know, I'm kind of in talking about like my dating and myself. I'm, you know, I'm putting myself down a lot for, I would hope,

the purposes of comedy. Yes. And then getting to the end of it and her going, and also like, why are you being so harsh on yourself? Like, you've got things to offer. And it's just like, I walked away going, yeah, what was I just fucking done? You know what I mean? Like, she just got in my head where it's like,

I'm saying that because I thought that's what you wanted to hear. I was getting in front of the bullet. I was trying to fire the gun into myself so that you couldn't fire it. it's like what a great reversal to go have some fucking self-esteem about yourself but you know how that works like you do that and then she can't you know in comedy you can't then stick the boots in again after you do that so then she's got nowhere to go but go plenty of people do um also let we do mention this in the app but gave us both, very kindly gave us both a copy of her cookbook, the Zero Fucks cookbook. Yes.

Which I cooked something out of just this evening. Did you? What did you cook? I cooked the cauliflower. That's it? Yeah, I just ate a whole cauliflower. Right. And you needed to read a book to get that?

No, because cauliflower is a vegetable that I seldom eat, if ever, and I'm always trying to find ways to eat things that i'm to you know generally not into kind of interesting recipes that are gonna so what what what is it exactly so it's how did you how did you bake it how did you cook you uh chop it up and then you just have a variety of spices bit of lemon juice bit of lemon zest um fry it up in the pan and then bake it in the oven i mean i want to give out the whole recipe for free when, you know, people are meant to be going out and buying this book. Sure.

Serve that up on a bit of pita bread with some hummus and tabbouleh. And I reckon one of the best things I've ever cooked out of a book. Wow. One of the best things I've ever cooked at home. It was delicious. I'm keen. So if you're on the fence about the Zero Fucks cookbook, go out and get it. It's fucking great.

Great. All right. I'm on it. What are you going to cook? Have you had a thumb through i had a quick thumb through but uh i i i very rarely cook these days at all uh a because my uh my wife isn't excellent to cook but i'm very rarely home uh i don't have a lot of time to be doing that sort of stuff. But today my parents came down to hang out with Blanket, little Blanket, and we were going to go out to lunch. Usually we bring them out because they're in Maryborough.

There's not a lot of options. So it's quite nice to bring them out to somewhere nice around here and show off. Show them Pinky's Pizza. Yes. Original Pinky's Pizza. Yes. Famous original Pinky's.

No, no old. No old Pinky's Pizza. By the way. Brightly Pinky's. Quick update in case I've Pinky's. No, no old. No old Pinky's Pizza. By the way. Brightly Pinky's. Quick update in case I've, I can't remember whether this is just online or I've talked about it on the show, but the Thai restaurant is still not open in Maribor. Oh, you haven't talked about that. There's a banner.

It's a still coming soon situation. Yeah. There's still coming soon. This September, apparently, it's opening. Wow. It's October. So I don't know what is taking so long in Meribah to get the Thai. Maybe the Pad Thai recipe, they're just stumbling over it.

It seems to me like they're probably in over their heads. They've realized that they're going to have to be making these if they want it to be authentic, to get the ingredients that they'll need from like an Asian grocer or whatever. They are on the hook for it. Would there be one in Ballarat? What, Thai? No, no, no, like an Asian grocer where whatever, they are on the hook for it. Would there be one in Ballarat? What, Thai? No, no, no, like an Asian grocer where you could get that sort of stuff

that you'd need if you wanted to give it a real authentic flavour. That's a good question. Or are they having it – I mean, if they're having a trek down to Melbourne every time they need to restock, that's brutal. Yeah, I don't know the logistics of how much of that sort of stuff you need to continue and how quickly you need to get it, how often. Depends on the popularity of the restaurant, I guess.

Yeah, yeah. But maybe they're realizing like, fuck, sourcing this stuff is harder than we thought. Maybe they're thinking about marketing and they're thinking, how are we going to make a dent in the oversaturated Asian food market in Narraburra? Maybe they need two podcasters to come down and perform at the opening of the store. Oh, that'd be interesting. Maybe that's what they need. Ribbon cutting ceremony.

Wouldn't that be awesome? I would love that. Would it still happen? Are there still like literal ribbon cuttings? There'd have to be. Yeah. It's too good of a visual to not do that. Too good of a photo op.

Yeah. Imagine, oh man, that would be fucking great. I wonder if we could go down and do that and even like even just the just the the cogs turning in your yeah i know the visualization i'm just imagining i want to know what you were picturing in your head just then that made you go oh this is what i'm imagining now i'm imagining us you know we've done a live show in mirror before true now we don't have anything planned to go back to. But I'd like to go back there again. We've talked.

Yeah, we've said we should. Yeah. Plenty of people are keen to do it. We don't really have time to do it soon-ish in the short to medium term amount of time. Maybe we can go and do the opening after six months of it being open. Okay. Maybe we can go and do the opening after six months of it being open. And like if we do a live show there next year, we can then go and reopen the store in front of all the listeners that are going to come to the show.

Okay. So you treat the actual, like when it opens, that's just the soft launch. Yeah. That's the soft, the six-month soft launch. And then we come in, all right, officially open for business. Yes. And that way, you know, if we bring all the listeners who are coming up, you know, we had about 150 there last year at the show. So if we have 150 people all crowded around the restaurant to officially open the Thai restaurant, you know, that looks like something good.

But also, I really want to see how they report on that in the Meribor advertiser. Yeah, yeah. Because they can send someone along to take a picture and have a very confused caption. Here they are at the grand reopening of a store that never closed. Well, and also how this restaurant, presumably quite small, because it's in country Victoria, accommodates 150 people coming through.

Well, they can be outside. They can be on the street. Okay. Yeah. Let me ask you this. You've got to. They can be on the street. Okay. Yeah. Let me ask you this. You've got to have the ribbon cutting outside the store. True. Like, the ribbon's got to go across the store.

And also, I presume we'll have to provide our own ribbon and scissors. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me ask you this. You know, you going and doing a ribbon cutting, that is a form of endorsement. Yes. That is you effectively saying, I vouch for this restaurant. Now, would you want to be going up there solo in the soft launch period to sample the wares,

just to make sure that you're not putting, you know, your name, your brand. These are valuable things. You can't just be attaching them to anything. And you know what? If you got there, if you didn't do your due diligence, we get there and we do this opening and then you taste the food and it is fucking appalling. That's a good point. That would would be that's a really good point i mean kind of very on brand for us in a weird way you know what i haven't you know my brand in maribor my hometown it's a strong thing i haven't

lent myself to anything in maribor yet yeah if this is the first thing i lend my my brand to and it's a disaster i can never uh lend my brand to another small business in maribor again right and also the the chandler name in maribor like you know yeah my parents as i was growing up they disaster. I can never lend my brand to another small business in Maryborough again, maybe. And also, the Chandler name in Maryborough, like, you know, my parents, as I was growing up, they had food stores the whole time, and they were always really good. And all of a sudden, I come down and just crusty the clown style, chuck my name on any piece of shit that fucking serves food out of the bin. So your name in Melbourne, absolute mud. Yes.

Maryborough is all you've got left. They don't know that yet in Maryborough. As far as they know in Maryborough, I'm a big shot up with my fake radio show in Melbourne. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, you know, that's something. So you'd have to do a recce. You'd have to do a trip down there, check out the menu. I don't want to hear specifics from you. You just call me up and you either go, we're on or we're off.

Can I? And you know what? I go up there and if it's not great, I just completely Gordon Ramsay kitchen nightmare it up. Oh, yes. Get in there and go, what the fuck? You call this fucking Penang curry?

Bang, smash it across the floor. But I think a lot of your complaints would just be the fact that you're paying Australian prices for the beer. Yeah, yeah. This isn't Thai at all. So you're not actually in Thailand. We're not trying to convince you that you're in Thailand. We're just serving some of their dishes.

I don't care. Here's $2. Give me a fucking beer. All right. Now, this isn't an authentic Thai restaurant that I normally go to because, yes, I want a Penang curry, but I also want a ham and cheese pizza for fucking $2, and I also want a hamburger and three beers and a pancake or two and a couple of chicken strips or something, all right?

Now, I want it all in five minutes. I want it to be a total of $12. Well, let's say you go down there and you sample the menu. You love it. It's the best tie you've ever had. And then you start thinking you don't even want to do the ribbon cutting anymore what you want to do you want naming rights oh so let's say this is like the best i want to keep it quiet because i want to take over you mean or uh no i mean we're talking about you know the the importance of the brand and everything right of your your

personal brand your name and what it's worth so you go down there you you this is the best time food you've ever had anywhere, even in Thailand. All the best curry at this place, the best chicken skewers at this place, it's all come together under this place. It sounds like a dream. It's like people going, oh, yeah, I just came back from Koh Samui and had the best curry I've ever had. Sure, you've had Thai food, but have you been to Maribor?

Exactly, yeah. So in terms of the naming rights, what kind of money do you think you would chuck in to have this place change its name to Carl Chandler's Famous Original Thai Kitchen? So I'm like the Colonel Sanders of Thailand. Colonel Chandler. Right, right. Just a very white man being the face of Thai food. Yep.

Right. Yep. And also, you're... And you're in the white suit with the, like, Texas bow tie thing as well. I'm still... I'm dressed the same as Colonel Sanders. Right. Okay.

Right. So, you... This is how you think it's going to work. The naming rights, I don't get paid for. I pay for the naming rights. Yeah, that's kind of... But that's how it works, isn't it? No, not at all. The naming rights, I don't get paid for. I pay for the naming rights. Yeah, but that's how it works, isn't it? No, not at all.

So like something like Marvel Stadium in Melbourne. Isn't that like Marvel bought that stadium? That's what I'm proposing. Yeah, but that's not spreading my brand. I'm not paying for my name. I'm not sponsoring a Thai restaurant because what am I getting out of that? But in your mind, you're thinking this Thai food is so good that you want people to go there and that's a positive affiliation

that people are going to have with you. That would be a crazy use of money. Well then, answer my question. How much? Very little. Because, you know, with stuff like that, that usually works a bit more like you know like

kenny roasters kenny rogers roasters or whatever like yeah they're paying to have his name whacked on the name of the business it doesn't happen the other way around kenny rogers isn't going fuck that's some good chicken i'll chuck in a couple of grand and can you put my name up there i still think that you would be getting more out of this arrangement than they would yeah totally if i'm getting nothing out of it arrangement than they would. Tell me. Yeah, totally. They're getting nothing out of it. They're getting nothing. But I'm getting nearly nothing.

It's a lose-lose situation, really. Well, also, me asking you to put a figure on it, I don't think they're going to hustle you down for too much. If you come in, you go, look, I'm a famous podcaster. I'm very well known. I'm one of the top celebrities to come out of Maryborough, even though I'm not listed on their Wikipedia page as such. You know what? I think I am.

Hang on. What if it's – okay, new idea. You, Delva Dover, and the Appalachians going thirds in this restaurant. It becomes Maryborough's Planet Hollywood. Planet Maryborough. It's just like A framed A framed vinyl

Of Wildflower At Jersey And then just like The first microphone That we ever recorded The pod on Framed Right

No one of the Costa Mura International Podcast Festival singlets Up on the thing Oh do you think Do you Look I love the idea

Of Planet Maribor I also love the idea of you hitting up Deliver Dover and the Avalanches. Haven't been able to get either of them on the podcast and then all of a sudden you're going, do you want to go thirds in buying a restaurant with me? I won't speak to you for free, but sure. Here's 30 grand.

Great. Oh, man. Do you think... Look, I think that's Great. Oh, man. Do you think? Look, I think that's very, that's very, oh, fuck. I'm not one of the notable people on the Wikipedia page anymore. Fuck. Damn. Yeah.

But, you know. I wasn't there for a while. People, get to work. Get me back on there. So, wait, are you checking this because you think this is the one thing that this plan hinges on? It's you being on that part of Wikipedia. No, I just remembered that I haven't checked it for a long time.

And someone did have me on there. But obviously, there's been a sweep on there. And, you know, there's all just... That is, again, it fascinates me how Wikipedia works. Like, the idea of someone coming across that and going, who the fuck is this? Someone feeling that they have to keep, someone feeling that they have to maintain the Wikipedia page for Maryborough. Yes.

No, he's not famous enough to be noted in a town of 7,000 people. Exactly. Oh, I reckon I'm enough. I reckon the bloke who runs the fish and chip shop there is famous enough to be noted on their page. Yeah, exactly. And look, if you were going to say there's only room for two on there, then sure. You know, if someone was trying to put you in ahead of Deliver Dover, no offence,

but I'd say that they were right in striking you from the list. No offence taken. But there's no such rule, you know. There can be as many notable people as they want. I'm just checking my Wikipedia page now. I haven't looked at this for years, but on my Wikipedia page, it's just like a couple of sentences is noting who I invited to my

wedding. That's great. That's great. What section is that in? Personal life? There's only one section. Marriage? There's only one section. Nick Capa gets a mention as coming to my wedding. Does Capa have a link? No.

Okay. So Capa doesn't have his own page? He might have, but there's no link here. Okay. Yeah. I don't think it's linked properly to the comedians they've named on my page. Well, that section can't be long for this world. Yeah.

If people are cleaning you up out of notable people from Maryborough, that same person needs to do a bit of housekeeping out of notable people invited to someone's wedding. Yeah. Also, when you're on there cleaning that up and fixing that up, if you could change my name from being – change my date of birth from 1902 to my actual date of birth. That would be a big help.

Thank you very much for that. Great. Thank you. That would be cool. I think if every notable person had a section on their page where you could see who they'd invited to their wedding, I'd be interested in that. Yeah. What about this? I'd be interested in that.

Yeah. What about this? Do you reckon there's any chance of, if we went up there with that big entourage, do you think I could frame a singlet of the Koh Samui International Podcast Festival and get it up on their wall, you know, any mini version of like a Planet Hollywood? I've got to, yeah, I've got to be honest. I've lost all enthusiasm for any idea that's not Planet Mary. I've got to be honest. I've lost all enthusiasm for any idea that's not Planet Mary.

A jointly owned operation between you, a band, and a basketball player. Maybe. Well, you know what? Next time we do. Little caricatures of all three of you on the sign. Next time we do a Maryborough live show. We'll do one next year, right? Yeah.

And then where we do the show, like we did in Koh Samui last year where we we had our own pop-up yes yes we'll have a pop-up planet marabou cool the worst day of our lives let's do that again yeah um actually you know what this could actually speaking of this before maybe this could help us in a way so what about this we get up there and we have the pop-up and we just say, you just start saying, you just start doing press going, yep, I've gone in on this restaurant with the Avalanches and Della Vadova. Very, very silent partners. They don't even know they're involved.

So that's what I'm saying. It's like, we've hit these people up. We can't get them to be on the show. Maybe that's the way you smoke them out. Oh, right. So we're in Maryborough doing a live show and also you're doing press for this restaurant where you're saying the three of you are going in together. So they need to come and serve you the papers.

They need to come down there to give you the cease and desist. And then once they're in the room, we're like, look, the podcast is happening just over there. Now that you're here, what about we interview you about this on the show? What about if we do this? We set it up. Because that's the funny thing about matthew delved over is he's quite loyal his family is still back there so when he takes a break from the nba yep when they go in the off season he does go back to marabou every year yep so how about we

plan the next marabou live podcast to be there when he when we know he's there oh okay then we can invite him to the the opening we can publicise the fact he's definitely going to be there. I love it. Yeah, I love that. Grand opening. Chandler's going to make a speech. The Avalanches will be playing tunes. And then we've got a big hoop over the kitchen and Deli's going to be just launching three pointers from on the floor.

There's going to be one-on-one, me versus Dele. I love this. This is such a good idea. It's going to be like Meribor's version of Space Jam. He's Jordan and we're fucking

Tweety and Sylvester. Yeah, I'm Elmer Fudd. Yeah, I love it. I love the sound of all of this. When does basketball season finish? I can never remember what time of year it is.

I wonder if that's going to work out for it not being in the middle of – I don't think it's – No, I think it's fine. I think it's okay because we've driven up looking for him before. That's true. Yeah. Off-season, NBA, someone will be very angry with us for not – Probably one of the guests on this podcast, Josh Earle.

Yeah. Tearing his hair out. I feel like it's mid-year next year. Okay. Yeah. We'll figure it out. Yep. I feel like it's like July or August or...

You're in front of a computer. You couldn't... Nothing came up. I've just... How is it easy to find out who was at your wedding when the NBA off-season is? Well, I've just Googled NBA off-season, and it doesn't say.

How about just Google NBA season, and then the date when it ends? Oh, yeah. It'll give some kind of indication. Yeah. NBA final. Here we are once again celebrating the NBA off-season. Guys, you know the dates that it runs every year.

Yeah, see, I'm right. The finals are in June. Okay. So, and you know what? Like, if you don't make the final, you know, he probably comes back. Off the hook a lot earlier. Yeah. So, June, July, something like that.

God, that's brutal. That time this year we were in Koh Samui. I know. 2020, driving around in Maryborough to set up a fake restaurant. Yeah, yeah. Pretending being in Maribor eating Thai food instead of being in Thailand eating Thai food. Oh, what a fall from grace. Grace.

Great. All right. That's a great plan. Everyone hold us to that. We'll do that. We've done it again. Yep. Another fucking hare fucking brain scheme. Also,

let's get into the Patreon, but we hopefully by now, hopefully by now, check all the socials, but our massive 500th episode is going to be

on sale very, very, very soon. It's in 2020. It is on a Saturday night. You're going with saying it 2020? Yeah. Interesting. No, you don't're going with saying it 2020? Yeah.

Interesting. No, you don't like it? 2020? 2020. Yeah. I can't wait. Feels good. 2020.

Yeah, I don't like it. 2020. Yeah, yeah. Man, that's just a lot of extra work you're making for yourself there. I think, in my opinion. 2020 years, April the 25th Saturday night at the Athenian Theatre in Melbourne

at 8.30 yeah get that in get that in your travel diary now if you're from interstate it's a thousand seater we want to fill it hopefully

it is on sale by now but it should be it should be on sale already but the people in there at fuckhead.com haven't signed off on it yet so

one of the great tickets selling agencies yes tickets at fuckhead.com haven't signed off on it yet so one of the great ticket selling agencies tickets through fuckhead yes that's my nickname for them yeah so get onto that

that'll be linked from our website that'll be all over the socials in the next week or two fucking hopefully so get onto it quick because you

can choose your own seat obviously and get nice and close or far away or whatever the fuck you want and get banks of seats to sit together with their friends because I know that's what people,

people can't watch a show without being sitting, without sitting next to their friend that they don't talk to for the hour show. Yeah, you have to. Yeah. It's a social event.

Yep. Can't wait. Going to be a lot of fun. Going to be a huge show. Very fun to be just taking control of a social event. Yep. Can't wait. Going to be a lot of fun. Going to be a huge show. Very fun to be just taking control of a Saturday night. Feels good. Yep. Big show.

Anyway, so Patreon. Top of the show, you did mention that we have a way of letting people contribute. For years and years, remember this, Tommy? For years, people used to say, I wish we could contribute in some way, but we don't live in Melbourne. We can't go to your show. We live nowhere near where you do live shows. We don't have a Thai restaurant that we can name after you. We don't have anything like that.

How can we contribute? Well, of course, a few years ago, we brought in the middleman. For a long time, we were like, you can't. Fuck off. Yes. We don't want your money. We want to work in a cafe. So we now have patreon.com as our middleman

if you go to patreon.com slash little dum-dum club you'll find our page you can contribute get all sorts of bonus extras whether it be bonus episodes or magazines that we slave over you get them once a month

every month also you go in the veritable raffle to get your name immortalized on this very show. And so, once again, I am unveiling to you the unplanned title, Alternator. Yep. It's about to start spitting out its ticker tape that I'm about to read off. Hitting the big red button.

Number one, cab off the rank this week. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Dylan Plenge. Oh. Plenge. Plenge. Yeah, that's... What a contrasting name. You've got Dylan.

You know, that was supposed to be like basically the course name. You know, like Bob Dylan. Do you think so? That's the cool thing. No? Not to you? I kind of think of Dylan as kind of dorky in a weird way. Well, I think when people – no.

I mean, you've got – I know what you're saying about Bob Dylan. Yeah. Yeah. But for me, just for whatever reason in my head – Yeah, Dylan from 90210. He was cool. Yeah, it's a bit before my time.

Yeah, yeah. I'm trying to think because there probably is – I can't think what it would be, but there must be something in there. I don't know any Dylans, but there must be some kind of pop culture thing where there was like a dorky yeah and that i've absorbed somewhere along the way yeah that's weird it's always been like supposed to be the cool name you're just just some some guy that um you flushed down the his head down the toilet in in high school and you thought less of him and his name was dylan i thought less of him yeah because of something that i was doing to him.

I can't believe he's just letting this happen. Yeah, you're like... Other people fight back. Other people with cool names like Boris and Wayne, they didn't let this happen, but you, you dork, Dylan. Dylan. You're letting me do the full flush on your head. This is a great narrative you're painting

where I'm the person in the position of flushing the head down the toilet. You're a bully, man. It's not cool. What kind of name is Yumi? Get in there. But if you carry on with the name Plenge, that's weird that you're going, oh, God, Dylan's a dorky name. You've got Plenge to deal with. Plenge.

I don't know. Plenge is kind of – Or do you think that's cool? I don't even know that it's dorky. It's just a weird sound. Yeah. It's kind of nothing. I think it exists in I don't even know that it's dorky. It's just a weird sound. Yeah. It's kind of nothing. I think it exists in a plane where it's neither cool nor dorky.

Oh. You know? It's weird. It's definitely weird. It's a weird sound. You know, this is the thing that happens every week. I've discovered new surnames that I had no idea existed. Plenge is definitely a name I had no fucking idea that that's a thing.

This is from the category that we get every now and then that sound like sound effects from the Batman 50s TV show. It sounds more like a sound effect from Don Martin's cartoons out of Mad Magazine. Yes, true. By the way, did you see... Oh, no. What? I've just looked it up.

Urban Dictionary. Now, look, Dylan's well aware of this. Yeah. But according to UrbanDictionary.com, top definition, plunge, another word to describe a woman's front bottom. Example, don't bother with her. She's got a plunge like a fish market. I love needing examples. Or from an admiring partner.

Wow, honey, you waxed your plunge. Yumi Steins, don't go straight for the plunge. Yeah, yeah. Good advice in this episode. Yeah, look, we've got great advice from the guts of the episode from Yumi. Now we've got great advice from us in UrbanDictionary.com. Yep. Who do you respect more out of those two?

I've never – yeah, that's surprising. I've never heard that one. I've heard Clunge. Yeah. Clunge was a very popular one when I was younger, but I've never heard that. No, I've never heard it in any way, shape or form. Do you think this is just like – maybe know, maybe this isn't a real term and this is just someone bullying Dylan Plenge

and they've gone and put it on Urban Dictionary to sort of stitch him up. Yeah. I wouldn't mind that. As a form of bullying, getting someone's name listed on a website as a definition of something is pretty great. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Guys, feel free to do that with our names if you want to. Get on Urban Dictionary. Oh, yeah. And use Chandler or Daslow. Yeah. Oh, God. Guys, feel free to do that with our names if you want to. Get on Urban Dictionary and use Chandler or Daslow. Yeah. Oh, God. What are you inviting? Yeah. What are you trying to look up? I'm looking up Dylan Plenge on Facebook.

Okay. Just trying to see if he's a real person. You want to see if he looks like a front bottom? Yeah, yeah. By the way, to go, oh, this is an alternate term for a front bottom. Front bottom is so good. It's such a fucking good term. It would be confusing if you're growing up as a kid.

You know, you don't know anything. And you get told by your older brother, you hear that term front bottom. And so the first time you're with a girl and you go down on her, you're just fully expecting to get a mouthful of shit. Or you, you know, you break your virginity, you have, you know, regular sex. Yes. And because you've heard the term front bottom, you're like, had anal last night. Front anal.

Front anal. Wow. That's good. Had front anal. Had front anal. Can you get that on Urban Dictionary? That's Chandler. That's Chandler.

Front anal. Doing a Chandler. Doing a front. Well, honey, thanks for the front anal. Thanks for the front anal. A.k.a. Thanks for Chandler-ing me. Thanks for Chandler-ing me.

Okay, I'm changing my tune. Dylan's cool now. Right. Based on this. Well, I've just found Dylan Plenge on Facebook. You've stalked him on Facebook, yeah. And his profile picture is him hugging a life-size Winnie the Pooh. So...

Yeah, I think you've won me over, actually, for what Dylan means. What a real plenge. Yeah. He is a real plenge. Yeah. A real pussy. Yeah. Holding onto a giant stuffed toy. So it's not like a...

It's a stuffed toy? It's not like a man in a costume? It's a man in a costume. Oh, really? Okay. He's about to make out with a furry, I think. Give us a look. Look, there's Dylan Plenge.

I mean, if he is... How old is he? He looks... Yeah, he's not... He looks young. I mean, if he's legitimately a furry, then, you know, that's fine. That's the only way that photo is okay. Well, I mean, I don't want to kink shame.

Whatever, man. Why not? If you're into that. Why not? Why not kink shame? If you're into dressing up like a fucking stuffed unicorn and having sex with Winnie the Pooh, if that makes you happy, then good for you. Yeah, good for you, but I still get to shame you because that's fucking ridiculous.

I'm not stopping you from doing it. But I am allowed to say that is fucking insane. You are insane if you do that. I wonder how many furry listeners we have. Oh, let us know. Yeah. Let us know. Anyone making up life-sized...

Who's into being kink-shamed, by the way? Is that your kink if you like being King Shane? I mean, that is a thing of being told that you're dirty and wrong. Right. That being a turn on for people. Oh, if that's your turn on and you've always wanted me to do that to you, please let me know. But then how do you get... So let's say that's the thing that turns you on is being told that you're gross and weird and wrong.

Yes. And then you tell that to someone and they're like, that's fucked up. Yeah. How many levels above it does it have to get where you're like, hey, man, don't kink shame me? Do you know what I mean? Or are you set because no matter what anyone says, you're just loving it? What if you love to be kink shamed? Your kink is to be kink shamed, but you don't actually have any kinks, other kinks.

So the only weird thing about you is that you love to be kink shamed. Right. So then you've got to go and start, you know, having sex with goats or whatever it is just to get something to be shamed about. Just to give the person shaming you material. Yeah. I kind of like the idea that it's a bit more organic and natural than that, but it's literally like a person just going like, you're fucked that you like kink shaming.

You're not bringing in any other. It's just cyclical. No, I like the idea of some guy pants down in a paddock having sex with a farm animal going, I'm so not into this, but it'll pay off later. But he's probably then getting hard thinking about how good it's going to feel being shamed for it later on. Yeah.

But that's still hard. Like, that still doesn't quite, that would be difficult to do. Because that's like saying. No argument here. That's like, you know, someone saying, some girl saying, oh, wow, I'm really only into guys that have sex with pigs. So if you go and have sex with a pig now, I'll have sex with you later. And you're in there trying to fuck a pig going, well, this will pay off.

It's still not quite going to work. You can't be sitting there inside a pig thinking, yeah, but later on. But I guess you would – I'm saying you would probably – you would have to do that to just get yourself because you've got to get hard to fuck this pig. Sure. You're going to do whatever you can. You are stronger in the mind than me if you can picture that future yeah and what you want to do later on whilst in the present being inside having sex inside a sty yeah yeah yeah but also like what this world is where it's like a whole girl saying i'll only fuck you if

you fuck a pig and you don't go oh well there's plenty more fish in the sea the immediate thing is oh well yeah better nut up a swine yes gotta fuck a babe to fuck a babe thanks dylan thanks dylan thank you to Patreon subscriber James... Fanny. James Fanny. No. This is a Dutch name and I never know how to pronounce it. Here we go. Hannekoet. H-A-N-E-K-R-O-O-T.

Hannekoet? I guess. It's not Hanekroot. Hanekroot. Hanekroot. How do you do a Dutch accent? It's very... Hanekroot? Hanekroot. Hanekroot. How do you do a Dutch accent? It's very... Hanne Kruut? Hanne Kruut.

Hanne Kruut. James Hanne Kruut. I guess. Let's do that. Look, we've done our best. Yeah, let us know. James Hanne Kruut. Dutch.

People known for their sense of humour. Yeah. So they'll... Do you want to look that one up on Urban Dictionary? No, but now I want to look up James Hanna-Krupp on Facebook. Yeah. The Dutch. What do you think of the Dutch?

Be a profile picture of him getting bummed by Tigger. Yeah. I can't say I have very strong opinions either way. On Facebook, he's riding a bike through a stream. Okay, that's pretty cool. He's pushing a bike through a stream okay that's pretty cool he's pushing a bike through a stream like he's he's going across the stream what do you mean with a bike with saddles on it and stuff like he's oh i see what you're some sort of not cross-country but some sort of camping slash what do you call orienteering in a lot of ways that's his profile picture is almost the complete polar opposite of Dylan's one. Definitely.

From hugging a big, soft, fake bear to just really getting down to it. This guy's outdoorsy. There's another picture of him skiing. Okay. This guy's a real man's man. So do you think... He's got a couple of pictures of a cupboard. Okay.

It's pretty cool. Interesting. And some eggs. So he's doing his bike riding. He's doing his skiing. In these photos of him being active outdoors, how many of these photos do you think he's listening to the little dum-dum? Yeah.

Can you see the AirPods in? It seems a bit manly and outdoorsy to be listening to a podcast. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, you know, a lot of this sort of stuff, you've got to travel to do some of this stuff. It's very true. There is downtime. You've got to travel to do some of this stuff. It's very true. There is downtime.

You've got to listen to something. You probably couldn't have headphones in and listen to a podcast when you're skydiving, could you? Getting pushed out of a plane while listening to WTF with Mark Maron. Jumping out of a plane after you've listened to our episode with Pablo Francisco without the shoot. Yeah, I don't think you'd be allowed to, would you? You have to be pretty experienced.

You wouldn't be allowed to do that thing where you've got a guy on your back, an instructor on your back, and you're like, yeah, yeah, cool. I'm just a bit behind on my pods, so I've just got to have the buds in if that's all right. But why not? Because it's not like, oh, I need to hear the ground coming. Yeah. You know, what's the hearing really doing? I'd say it's probably more that like the wind rushing past you at that speed.

Yeah. You wouldn't be able to hear. You've got to be told to open your chute. Stuff like that. Yeah, true. But what about then? Okay. You don't want to be too distracted as you're plummeting to earth.

Yeah, okay. Okay, you get the instruction, pull the chute, you do that. And now you're like, all right, now I can just can just now i can log off now the buds go in if you're not allowed to be on your phone while you're driving i reckon you shouldn't be allowed to listen to the podcast as you're falling to the earth i reckon fair that's pretty fair um thanks james thanks hannah groot thanks hayne croot hayne croot um Hayne Groot. Thank you, too. We really should rush through this.

We've taken long enough on this. Man, I had a late night last night. I had an early morning. I've got work tomorrow. Yeah. Let's limit this. Let's only do three more, I reckon. Oh, okay, fair.

I mean, yeah, this has taken a while so far, but you know what? We got stuck in Planet Maribor. We came up with such a great idea that you can't be mad at that. You know, you can't, you know, when an idea like that comes along, you've just got to give it the time it deserves. Well, you know, if these are a little shorter than usual, that's fine. We'll have your name somewhere in Planet Maribor. Right. Yeah.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber Jessica Grant. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Jessica Grant Okay Yeah Okay It sounds like It sounds like some sort of Female off-sider in the Marvel Universe Or something

Yeah I'd agree with that It's very It's very It's very simple It's very elegant I like it Jessica Good name

There's just like a very refined simplicity to it Yeah Like the Lacoste logo. Yeah. Yeah, okay. The little crocodile. Yeah. They know what they're doing.

He's just there. It's nothing more than that. Just a little crocodile. I could see Jessica Grant wearing a female polo. Yep. Yeah. A polo for ladies. Yeah.

Female polo. Yeah. That'd be good. I'd love to. It'd be so expensive to make, but I'd love to make a little Dumb Dumb Club polo For ladies Yeah Female polo Yeah That'd be good I'd love to It'd be so expensive to make But I'd love to make A little dum-dum club polo Where we've got like

You know where the Lacoste Crocodile is Or the Ralph Lauren thing We've just got like A little burger Just a stitched Embroidered little hamburger On the breast

Not a fan of polos Never been Never been a fan of them I've come around Oh yeah I They look They used to never look any good on me

but then i've lost enough weight where they actually suit me now okay yeah right um yeah no i don't think i'll ever come around to it that's fair not my thing yep not not just what what is it specifically about it just seems boring just seems i don't know what it just feels like something that you're being made, it just feels like something that you're being made to wear. It feels like something that my mum would go, oh, you would look nice in that.

Yeah. No, I don't want to look too nice to your mum. Yeah, I understand. I do think, I mean, I've got a little, I went in on a Lacoste one a little while ago

and it's a brand that I've always liked. Like I said, they've never looked good on me though. I tried one on, liked how it felt, liked how it looked. Liked how it looked. You know, it's somewhere in between being a bit more dressed up and still being cash.

Yeah. You know, you roll through on a Sunday session. People know that you mean business. I think I've just made it. I mean, you buy a lot of clothes. I think you buy clothes online, stuff like that. Yep. Yep.

I feel like I need to figure out how to buy clothes online. I don't think I ever – I never know where to look, for starters. Okay, yeah, right. So then if I'm ever out in like a shopping center or whatever, I go, okay, well, this is it. I better just hunt around. I've got half an hour. Let's buy some clothes.

This is my chance to buy clothes. You have said that a couple of times when we've been in Thailand or specifically Bangkok. You've been like, yeah, I'm going to go to the Big shopping centres And buy stuff I'm like oh what are you looking for You're like I don't know Yeah

Which sounds like hell to me Yeah No just walk around Buy stuff I like the look of So Although It's almost worse When you have a very specific

Thing in mind that you want And it's something quite simple And you're like I just want like a plain pair of pants That look like this Yeah You would think that you'd be able To buy them in any shop

That you come across And you can't find them That's more maddening Looking for something very specific Yeah yeah I'm quite happy to wander around that look like this, you would think that you'd be able to buy them in any shop that you come across and you can't find them. That's more maddening, looking for something very specific. Yeah, yeah. I'm quite happy to wander around and just buy stuff I like the look of. Just go, okay, well, this is my Bangkok shopping trip and I'll buy two shirts, a jacket, two pairs of pants and a pair of sneakers. And they're the six things that I like the look of at the time.

So I'll do that. I'll do them all in a burst. I very rarely buy one thing at once. I go, okay, it's shopping time. Let's do this. So the other day I was like, I haven't bought anything in ages. I need to freshen up. But I'm never –

You've got some new kicks at the moment. You have? You have. Yes, I just bought some, yes. But I keep walking past this shop in between our houses. Okay. And I always walk past it when it's closed. And I was like seeing stuff in the window.

I was like, that looks really good. This shop's got a few good items of clothing. I need to go there. And it just took too long. Eventually, I walked past the other day and it was open for once. Went in there. I was like, great. Where's that stuff you had in the window?

Oh, that's all gone. I was like, I've been waiting so long to buy whatever was in the window. I was like, okay, well, just give me whatever else you got. I just bought some jacket that was really expensive going, well, that sort of reminds me a bit of that other jacket. Got it home and went, when am I ever going to fucking wear this? What is this story? Well, I just, I've just, I hadn't bought.

What do you mean you got tricked into buying a jacket? I didn't get tricked into it. I tricked myself into it. Right. Another person didn't trick me. There's so many hurdles here. You're already looking at the price tag going, oh, this is a bit much. Yes.

And I don't know if I really want it. Yes. Better get it. Yes. I did all of that. Do you think it was in your head? And then I got home and I was like, oh, well, I'll wear this out to dinner. And my wife's like, you're not wearing that out to dinner.

Like, fuck, where am I going to wear this? Well, okay, two things. I think what's happened is realizing the fast turnaround of inventory in the shop yeah as you got told about by the stuff in the window no longer being there i think that's got in your head yeah so you're like i probably don't want it but i don't want to get if i get home yeah and think that i do want it and come back it's probably gonna be gone yes there'll be all new stuff in here i was like i've waited i've waited that long to get something and I was just like, okay, I'll just,

whatever you've got. Yeah. I'll have a couple hundred dollars worth of mixed jackets, please. Yeah. Now talk me through the jacket. What's so objectionable about it? There's nothing objectionable about it.

It's just one of those things where haven't you ever bought, when you buy clothes, you ever buy something, impulse buy, I guess, a little bit. You see something in a shop

or I guess it works online and then you get it home and then you go, where am I going to wear this? It looks good. I know what you mean, but I personally less and less. I think I've gotten good at narrowing down what I want out of clothes. But what is it about it that made your wife immediately go, you are not wearing that to dinner?

Well, she wasn't like, it's so bad you're not wearing it. It was more like, that's overly dressy to go to sit in a Thai restaurant with me. Right. So it's like what, a suit jacket almost? It's sort of like a woolen jacket. Okay. Yeah, like a big long sort of a thing where I'm like... Why did you buy that at this time of year? Because... jacket. Okay. Yeah. Like a big long sort of a thing where I'm like.

Why did you buy that at this time of year? Because. Heading into summer. Yeah. Yeah. Time to break out the merino. But it's not a can of fucking beans. It doesn't have a shelf life on it. Yeah.

True. But it's weird to be thinking like, yeah, I'd better stockpile this for in eight months time. Yes. That's what my wife says. She said, oh, well, obviously you bought it because it's on sale because they're getting rid of all the winter stocks i was like no it wasn't on sale i just bought a fully priced coat because another coat i wanted wasn't there anymore so now i've got a coat i don't particularly want or know where to wear it and it's going to

sit in the cupboard for six months now i do that a lot when i travel i buy stuff you know being on the other side of the world in the climate that it is there. Like, how nice is this shirt? This is great. Then get back, it's winter, and it just fucking sits in the cupboard for six months before it's ready to be broken out. But I'm sorry to hear about the jacket.

I cannot wait to wear this jacket to the opening of Planet Marabara. That's going to be an event dressy enough to wear this jacket to. Interesting. What colour? I can't remember now. I bought it and put it in a bag and have not been able to wear it. What, like black, dark? I think it's like...

You wear a lot of black and very dark colours. I think it's like navy or... Okay. I think it's like... Yeah, I think that's it. It's not like hot pink or like... No. No, it's not.

I didn't buy a hot pink long woolen jacket. No, it's not. I didn't buy a hot pink long woolen jacket. No. I didn't do that. Well, that would certainly explain your wife going, you are not wearing that

out to dinner with me. I can rule that one out. All right. Well, thanks whoever the fuck this person was. Jessica Grant. Jessica Grant. She subscribes

for $10.69 a month. Very, very nice stuff. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Max Timmons. Ooh. Max Timmons. Maximum Timmons. Is it spelt like a...

T-I-M-M-I-N-S. Ah, okay. What do you think about that? I was thinking maybe, well, you know, you would have pronounced it like this if it was spelt like this, but I was thinking maybe a bit more closer to Timon, as in Timon and Pumbaa from The Lion King. I don't know what that is. I've never watched The Lion King.

The little meerkat character in The Lion King. One of the ones that sings Hakuna Matata. You'd be familiar with that, surely. I've heard of that. Never seen The Lion King. What do you rate it out of 10? The Lion King? Is that one of your childhood movies? Is that like a touchstone of your childhood?

It was a big one growing up. Yeah, it's right in the sweet spot for me. I guess it came out when I was in maybe grade three. But I never liked it as much as the other Disney movies, some of the other Disney movies. Like what? I loved Aladdin. Aladdin was my favourite one.

Right. So The Lion King was the one that a lot of people my age, just still today, are like, The Lion King's the best one. The Lion King's not my favourite one. So The Lion King was the one that a lot of people my age, just still today, are like, The Lion King's the best one. The Lion King's not my favourite. I guess I'm about to... So my child is now... Little Blanket's now eight months old. So I'm going to start to get into that sort of world now

where I get to watch TV shows over and over on movies and, you know, read her books over and over. So, you know, till now it's just been, look, just give her a set of keys and knock yourself out, honey. Yep. But I'm going to, she's going to start to not enjoy that as much. So I'm just getting into that world. What do you recommend from your...

I'm really looking forward to going and buying a copy of The Hungriest Caterpillar. Oh, yeah, big time. Cracking book. Yeah, that'll be great. Oh, yeah, kids' books. Movies, but movies like... Busytown. Was Busytown a thing when you were a kid?

Richard Scarry? Oh, yeah. Busytown was fucking great. That's where there's just like heaps of shit to like look and find and stuff. Yeah, it's just like a big city and there's like a little worm that flies a helicopter that looks like an apple. I loved Busy Town. I know.

I didn't remember the name of the book, but I know Richard Scarry's work. So there's... I looked recently. You can still get the books. They're still out there. Yeah. And I imagine the series is probably on some kind of streaming thing. But movies, I don't know.

I guess a lot of the Pixar stuff is like pretty timeless. Oh, yeah. You know, you could start out with Toy Story. That's a classic. Okay. But I'm always interested in this of like at what point, you know, with kids like, you know, developing and everything moves so fast, could you show the original Lion King or Aladdin?

2D animation, very primitive looking by the standards of today's animation. Could you show that to a three-year-old now and would they be into it? Yeah. Or would they be like, this looks shit? Much like when I was growing up, anything black and white was like, I'm not fucking watching this. Right. So I do wonder if you would be able to dip back into the classics

with a modern kid. Right. And I'm sure there's who with young children who can answer this question but more effectively yeah i mean there there would have been shows that you did like that were like 20 years old that you sort of saw and went oh well i know it's old but that it's that's not necessarily a bad thing like i remember watching charlie and the chocolate factory and that being quite old by the time i watched it and being like oh man, man, this is fucking great. I don't think I really remember seeing that, though, and being aware that it was old, which is probably – which kind of does speak to your point. Yeah.

And I think is a testament to the quality of something that's good is just good and timeless. Yeah. But I would say in terms of like a kid's film to start off on, I think you've got to start Toy Story. Toy Story. It's one of the great, one of the classic, one of the classic kid's films. Right.

Yeah. I don't think I've seen it. I haven't seen any of them. It's good. Yeah. All those movies are good. Okay. All right.

Good. All right. Are you, what I'm fascinated in having, being able to kind of like live relatively vicariously through you having a child. So I was with my friend the other day who has a son who is five. And his son will take his wife's phone and just be able to text him on it. Like knows how to text. So I was hanging out with him and he gets a text from his wife.

And it's his son going, Hi, Daddy, I love you. What are you doing? Like can type, can spell perfectly. Wow. Like, you know, predictive and autocorrect is probably doing a bit of the work. But then he's just sitting there having this text exchange with his five-year-old son. Yeah.

That's – fuck, that's wild. Yeah, that's weird. Yeah, I'm not red hot on that. Well, it's not like they've bought him a phone. It's just like he just literally pinches it from the mum and knows how to use it. That's the crazy thing is like kids grow up around it and they just have this like in tuned sixth sense of just like what all the buttons do and how to get into apps and shit. I've said this before. It's so weird that little blanket, I'll pull out the phone and she'll pose yeah right i

don't understand how where that's come from it's bizarre yeah it's really bizarre i mean she's not like you know doing some crazy pose but she's smart she'll smile turning it up like a real thought just big duck lips yeah just give me that daddy i know how to yeah yeah yeah um puts turns the dog filter on yeah for herself um yeah yeah there's a lot to look forward to but what would you think if you had to without me recommending anything or anyone recommending anything what what would be something from your childhood that you remember really enjoying that you would be really keen to sit blanket down in front of and enjoy, you know, introduce her to? Well, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, the movie's called Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, isn't it?

Because the book's called Charlie, but the movie's called Willy Wonka. Yeah, I think so. But then there's two movies. Isn't the other movie then, the Johnny Depp one is then Charlie? Is it? I've never seen it. The Johnny Depp one sucks is then Charlie? Is it? I've never seen it. The Johnny Depp one sucks. Does it?

It's so shit. Yeah, I couldn't imagine. Yeah, you could talk about this for ages, but it's a very weird idea to remake anything that people are like, no, this is a really good thing. Like the original, as close to perfect as you can get. Yeah. Doesn't need improving. No.

The updated one, they gave him like a backstory and everything. Like you learnt about like why he's all weird. His dad was a dentist. It's shit. Nah, that sucks. Yeah, it's really bad. You want... Don't try and make sense of some fucking insane cunt

that lives with fucking blueberry midgets in a factory and makes magical chocolate. Yeah. Don't try and make sense of it. That's just a thing that has somehow magically happened. Just roll with it. I think that Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, sorry, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, the original movie, it's got that great kids film thing that not a lot of them do.

I guess it's kind of coming back a little bit where it's cute, it's charming and everything, but there's bits in it that are just genuinely fucked up and quite scary. Yeah. Like the bit where they're in the tunnel and it's all going crazy and just the whole set up and him cracking the shits at them at the end. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anything that you remember being a little kid where you remember

being slightly disturbed by in some way. Yeah. That feeling I remember being like, oh, I think I'm kind of not meant to be seeing this. Yeah, right. It's such a great feeling. And I think that went away for like a long time in children's media. And I think it's maybe, I mean, the more recent, you know,

they keep making Toy Story films. They've still got that sort of stuff in there. Right. Where it's like some kind of weird fucked up stuff is happening. Yeah. It's like it's good to see a bit of real life when you're're a kid it can't be just all like oh everything's fine and then you you turn 17 and go oh i'm fucked i didn't see any of this coming yeah yeah yeah you gotta be spooked a little bit yeah the things that you consume when you're a kid yeah and that that was really

cool in that movie because it's like yeah there was a consequence to someone fucking up and yeah um and yeah there was scary stuff that tunnel thing was insane um yeah um there was a consequence to someone fucking up. Yeah. And, yeah, there was scary stuff. That tunnel thing was insane. Yeah. That's a... Fuck, I bought that soundtrack years and years ago. That's a good soundtrack. Oh, really?

See, that would hold up because the music and the colours and everything is fucking great. Yep. And it's, like, right in the wheelhouse. I mean, probably, yeah, it depends what age you're talking, showing it to her. But, like, right in the wheelhouse of, like, imagine just getting to go and eat all the lollies you want. Yeah, probably, yeah, it depends what age you're talking, showing it to her. But like right in the wheelhouse of like, imagine just getting to go and eat all the lollies you want. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In a factory where they get made. Yeah.

Fuck. Good shit. I remember reading that book as a kid and just going, this is, this, as a kid, that's the sort of thing that you would want to write about. Oh, imagine just eating chocolate and getting free chocolate. But then you go, oh, some cunt wrote this when he was 60. What's wrong with you? I also love that Wonka is just a real world brand now. There's actually a lolly brand called Wonka

where they went, hey, let's make some of the stuff that this fucked up cunt made in his movies and start selling them. It is a bit, as a kid, I remember reading that there was an overseas brand called Wonka and just going, oh, that would be amazing. But it's actually a bit shit that you can then get sucked in by that

movie and then go oh there's one good chocolate over there and then you get it and go oh that's sort of like nestle i guess it's i guess that's okay yeah you're watching the movie going this is next level chocolate this is fucking great and then you just go and buy it's like fucking anything else it's cooking chocolate yeah yeah i want to get i want to get a lolly that's going to turn me into a fat grape yeah yeah yeah so mate give me a lolly it gets my dick hard to fuck a pig see that's if they were going to have rebooted um the charlie and the chocolate factory movie there's no use trying to just make it a kid's film again do it for adults don't do it for adults to tap into nostalgia. Make it a hard R rating where it's like

Wonka's dick pill factory. Right. You know, it's just all fucked up things that he's got in there. Yeah, there's a room where you test out

the dick pills. Yep, yep. They've got, he's got really sexy oompa loompas that you can test it out on. See that, you know,

everything now, you know, they're doing these live action Disney remakes. And again, it's just like, I think part of the audience that they're thinking is like, Oh, the people that grew up with this now they're adults.

They'll get to come see it in a different light, but it's like, no reboot them and make them horny. If you're going to make them for adults, just go all the way. We're just turning it. We're just turning this idea into a, a porno version of Wonka. I guess. Yeah make them for adults. Just go all the way. We're just turning this idea into a porno version of Wonka now. I guess, yeah.

Where adults get the golden ticket. They go into Willy Wonka's sex factory. Someone fucks an Oompa Loompa. There's streams of cum that they're in. They're going in a boat down. Yeah. And the cummers keep on cumming. Boat down.

Yep. And the comers keep on coming. Comedy's fucking real easy. Yeah. We're blessed to have these powers. Don't try this at home. Thanks, Max. Thanks, Max.

All right, one more. It's getting late. It is late. I've got to go home. So one more. This is the final one? This is the final one. We did four? This is the final one.

Oh, wow. We did four and this is the fifth one, the final one. Okay. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. Oh, hang on. What? This is slightly weird. I just want to check it out.

Okay. On Urban Dictionary. Urban Dictionary. Okay. All right. Type it in. Yep. Oh, okay.

Are you going to read the name or the meaning first? This means something sort of weird as well. A bit crude or? A little bit. Like front and bottom or? A little bit similar to what we've talked about before. Oh, okay. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Vag comedy right yeah so that's actually

what's that's not just some man's name that actually means something else on urban dictionary what's it mean um it means uh let me see it it in technical terms it's not just slang yeah technical terms it means um means clown hole or moose knuckle. Moose knuckle. Or meat flap. Oh, right. Wizard's sleeve. Yeah, that's the technical term. Yeah. Wow, that's cool.

Yeah. And then comedy, what does that mean? Put that into Urban Dictionary. Put comedy into Urban Dictionary. Alright, I put it right. Wow, it's just come up with a picture of me and you. That's pretty cool. Someone did it. A listener got us onto Urban Dictionary while we were recording this.

Yeah. Wow, that's bizarre. We thought this was recorded. We didn't know it was going out live. Yeah. This is like another Willy Wonka factory in this computer that we're recording onto. We're in the elevator right now. Yeah.

Just shooting right up our own arses. All right, guys. Thanks very much for supporting the show. We really appreciate it. If you would like to chip in and get some sweet rewards every month, bonus episode, a little magazine that we spend a lot of time on, patreon.com slash littledumbdumbclub. Head to littledumbdumbclub.com for any tour dates that we have coming up.

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