The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 473 - Wil Anderson & Tom Ballard

Episode Date: October 29, 2019

We're back with two of our biggest fans WIL ANDERSON and TOM BALLARD for a very special Comedy Symposium. We hear about some recent chaos at a gig that Tom and Karl did together, before diving into Karl's backpack and deconstructing his set-list, with plenty of tangents along the way! GOLD COAST! Our first ever live show up there. November 16, 2pm.HOBART! We're heading down for the first time for a live show in a small venue. November 23, 5pm.We've also added a stand-up show in the same venue at 3pm.MELBOURNE! Our 500th episode is on sale. It's going to be massive. April 25, 2020. 8:30pm. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Will Anderson and Tom Ballard. We have a few live things coming up. LittleDumbDumbClub.com for all the info on that. We'll talk to you at the end of the episode about things we have coming up. Is this podcast haunted? Until then, enjoy this brand new episode with guests Will Anderson and Tom Ballard. Hey mates, welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us.

My name is Tommy Dasolo and with me as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day dickhead. Special episode this week. We've got two big fans of the show Who listen every week And we're just busting to get in here And see how it's all done Busting to get in here Into their own house Yep, they won a colouring competition

And we just thought Let's give them the treat of a lifetime Please welcome back into the little dumb dumb club Tom Ballard and Will Anderson I'm glad that we're starting an hour after we were meant to because we have, like, unrecorded, luckily, but the best Patreon episode you would have ever put out. Oh, yeah.

You could have been like $1,000, release the tapes, Freedom of Information. Yeah, people always say to us, do one where you just go off, you just really go off and put that out. It's like, there'd be one of them, and that'd be it. Yeah. And then we're done forever. Yeah.

Well, it'd be hard to tell when me and you are done forever, to be fair. Well, we got cancelled. Guess we'd better start a podcast. The little Thunder Club 2. You guys were so offensive, you've been kicked out of podcasting. Forced into TV. Damn. Yeah, they dug a hole in rock bottom and pushed me into that. guys were so offensive you've been kicked out of podcasting yeah forced into tv damn yeah they dug a

hole in rock bottom and pushed him into that someone tell me kevin spacey's like playing in a band in argentina

now or something like that yeah sweet yeah so you know there's always that option oh man that would be great if that was

sold to you as the best thing that would happen in your life you'd be like i'd take that yeah and that's that's his punishment yeah i gotta go and fucking grab some guys dicks in a cafe somewhere if that's what you get out of it you think you just magically know how to play guitar

after you do that you know the worst thing about that well i mean the worst thing about the kevin spacey thing is obviously the worst thing about the kevin spacey thing second worst coming the second worst thing yeah they had to remake that movie and shoot it with a different actor. Oh man, that would have been a nightmare. No, I learned something about myself, which is, so one of my favourite films of all time is The Usual Suspects, right?

And Bryan Singer, who directed that, is like alleged to be a sex pest. And then, but I was still like, ah, the director. I don't have to look at his face, right? I'll still watch this movie and I'll deal with it. And then Kevin Spacey, and I was i was like ah if there's two of them i can't watch it anymore

yeah that was my life i was willing to like keep watching that's with one sex pest as long as he was behind the scenes you would watch all of burke's backyard no no worries at all that's fine if a grip if they did a compilation of the Dr. Harry Cooper bits, I'm happy to watch that. If they do Dirk's backyard and they go around to the bloke from Hey Dad's Garden, it's like, I'm out. I can't watch this episode.

So usual suspects, if you could make your own... If Kevin Spacey was in it less and you could have made an edit where you just remove his scenes, you'd still be in? You'd still watch that. Oh, well, maybe that's actually what technology should be used for.

Right. You know how James Cameron, like, in between, like, each movie franchise he does goes and lives in an underwater, like, utopia and invents new technology for his next film? Right. Like, could we? No, I didn't know that. Well, yeah, so, like, you know when he made Avatar,

like, that technology didn't exist. Right. And then he made, like, something that rescued people from the bottom of the ocean because he was the only person who had the technology to do it. And he's been stopping hurricanes and stuff because in between films, he just likes to invent mad futuristic technology.

But mostly he does it so that he can put it in his next movie. That's kind of his thing that he does. Helping people is just a happy accident. Sometimes there's a Venn diagram and those things cross over, but it's mostly just for Avatar sequels and stuff. Right, right. Can I suggest him spending more time on the scripts for Avatar to unobtain him?

Yeah. Oh, this cat's got claws. Yeah, I said it. Avatar wasn't a very good film. Come at me. But why don't people do it? You always see clips shared around of that deep deep fake technology where they can like replace. That's what I think.

Yeah. If people get cancelled, as they get cancelled, people are like, how do you separate the artist from their art? Well, you literally do. This is perfect. Let's not re-educate people. You can just go and see all the Woody Allen films. Let's not re-educate people and make them not do it.

Everyone loves Paul Rudd. Look at this. Look at how good Annie Hall is now that Paul Rudd's in it. Or like technology that goes through Michael Jackson's entire catalogue and replaces his voice with like Bruce Springsteen. Mate, we shouldn't lose Billie Jean to the world just because of what Michael did.

We're getting punished for his crimes. That's just someone else singing Billie Jean. Yeah, Matt Corby. Matt Corby puts out Billie Jean and we're like, this is great. We else singing Billie Jean. Yeah, Matt Corby. Matt Corby puts out Billie Jean. I'm like, this is great. We still get Billie Jean. The world doesn't lose an iconic song. But Michael Jackson gets taken out of the history of it.

Well, of course, as you guys were all massive Tonightly fans, you'd know that we did a sketch in which we CGI'd my face onto what's-his-face from Dr. Blake. Oh, Craig McLachlan. Craig McLachlan, yeah. I put my little face on a what's his face from Dr. Blake? Oh, Craig McLaughlin. Craig McLaughlin, yeah. I put my little face on a scene from that. It took ages. Of course, yeah.

I mean, we all knew that. We just didn't want to bring that up in front of you, obviously, to remind you of... It's embarrassing. We don't want to thorn, yeah. It's like the wallpaper of our lives. Sure. We had a kid in the audience at Gruen the other night,

and I like to ask the question at the start, when you're just getting people to try to clap and stuff and get into making a TV show. We had a kid in the audience at Gruen the other night and I like to ask the question at the start, when you're just getting people to try to clap and stuff and get into making a TV show, I have this thing that I do where I get people to clap if they've been to the show before, just so I know how much I need to explain. Then I get people to clap if they've just seen the show on TV. So you're like the Ben Lomas of Sydney, I get it.

Yeah, if they then let Ben Lomas go on and host the show. Oh, then you're not like Ben Lomas at all. You won't ever be like Ben Lomas. If instead of just screaming comedy, I went and did some comedy. Some what? Sorry? Did some what? There we go.

And then I say clap if you've never seen the show before. And we've been on for 11 seasons and we're like the most watched show at the ABC for like 11 years. All right, mate. So I just like the idea of going, how have you made it to the live studio taping without ever seeing the show? You can always have some fun with that person. So that's my bit. So on a Tuesday night when we're taping, there's this 16-year-old kid in the audience, never seen the show before,

and I said, well, what do you watch on TV? He goes, I don't watch a lot of TV. He goes, well, if you had to name one ABC show that you liked, what show was it? And he was like, Tonightly. I love Tonightly. So there you go. That's nice.

So we found him. What a lovely compliment. What a huge run up Involving details of your massively packed studio audience And very popular TV show To say that one person It's a real backhanded thing to just go There is one person that likes your show

That's very nice thanks The one person that would have liked your little Craig McLaughlin reference right there I hope he's listening to this A 16 year old whose brain hasn't fully developed yet. So it would have been 14 when it went off the air. He loved it. I'll take it. I'll take it.

Well, we kicked together the other night, Tom Ballard. You were at Comedy at Spleen, which is a little glorified open mic that I run in Melbourne. And you were busy screaming into the microphone like a banshee. Doing comedy, I think is what it's called, I guess. Okay, right. I couldn't quite pick up that out of all the audio interference that was happening. Well, every gig, Carl, I perform as if I'm in a stadium

because you perform in the way that you want to get your career to. Dress for the job you want. Exactly. So it's that kind of vibe. So actually, it's really the sound system's responsibility to deal with me and the energy that I'm bringing and putting out there. You know what I love is that expression,

dress like the job that you want, because Carl is currently wearing merchandise from his own podcast, which means that he aspires to be not on the podcast but just someone who listens to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I aspire to be a fan of this podcast.

I wish I didn't have a mic. I wish I was just listening to you guys right now. Yeah, I looked out into the crowd at those live shows. I'm like,

this is like fun. People seem like they're having a great time. It's hell up here. I'd love to have standards that low. Think how simple life would be.

Imagine if this is all you needed to be happy Right Not having to catch up on the wire And be like What now? Yeah

I'm just Man I'm relating to the fans I'm relating to I'm just like one of you guys Except I would never listen to this shit Have you ever listened back to any episodes? I think I've listened to like two or something Maybe

I think Yeah I remember you telling me once That you when you did the solo show about going on Australia's Got Talent which was after we'd

done the podcast. Well allegedly. Yeah sorry Narnia's Got Talent. You listened back to the podcast episode that we'd done about that to just remember

the funny things you'd said about it in the moment to put into your festival show. Yes. I think that might be the extent of your listening.

Yeah something like that yeah it's not so often. For research on your own life. And in case any of you can't sort of say anything funny that I could pinch and put in my show. Right. The dream.

We did, did you have a fun time the other night at comedy at Spleen? What is this? What is this? No, I just heard you had a heckler, that's all. I didn't have a heckler. Yeah, she was a heckler. She was an audience member yelling out during my comedy um she i was like hey let's talk about climate change and she was

like woo and i was like oh you're a fan of climate change ha ha ha and then there was just a lot of uh backing and forth thing oh okay it was funny oh okay no no no well no i just heard someone was yelling out a woman was yelling out and calling you daddy at some stage. Yeah, she tried for daddy. It was one of those like you didn't hear everything. She tried to daddy. I was like, I'm working on new shit. I don't have time for this. Right, right, right.

This story went from I didn't get heckled to it sounds like this woman's yelling out every ten seconds. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, there was no heckling. Sure, someone was screaming daddy at me, but that doesn't count. I mean, it doesn't really count. Yeah. Like it's not technically – I mean, I guess it's technically

in the very loose definition of yelling out at a comedy gig. Right. It was her trying to be funny. Yeah. Interfering. Yeah. Right. Well, I, so you were in the first half.

Do you know what the funny thing she was going for was? Could you ascertain what at least the gist of what she thought she was trying to do was? I mean, I've got it recorded. Well, let's put it in. We've got to listen back to my comedy. Yes. Maybe later.

What's the timer on that? Did you have sticky feet up there? Oh, good question. 11 minutes. How do you feel about that, Carl? Well, you know what? He was on before me, which bought me more time to work on my bullshit. So I'm fine with it.

I'm fine with it. I'm fine with it. Daddy does as long as Daddy wants to do, all right? Daddy does stage time. Well, it sounds actually from your story like you did eight and she did three. What if she's busy at Mars? She was looking pretty slim. Tom Bellard versus women.

She still had two minutes before she was going to get the light then by the sound of it but I I saw you at halftime because you were on then we crossed paths and

I was going to do my spot and try some new material so I hopped on stage and the crowd were pretty pretty friendly and pretty

pretty chatty so it didn't take long until I got very very distracted you were asking me And the crowd were pretty friendly and pretty chatty. Yeah. So it didn't take long until I got very, very distracted. You were asking me whether I was doing new material, how it was going to go, all that sort of stuff. I didn't get to any of my material. I started talking to people and they were yelling at really stupid stuff, so I got stuck in.

And there was someone from like a weird country somewhere, I can't remember. So I started talking to them. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Sometimes you don't need to remind us you're from Maryborough. Please list the weird countries. All right.

Now I'm going to have to remember what it is. Now these aren't shithole countries. That's a different argument. No, no, no. All right. Now I'm going to have to look at an atlas. An atlas? An atlas? What? I'm going to have to look at an atlas. An atlas? An atlas? What?

I'm going to have to look. You know, that website we always go to, www.atlas.com. I forgot I don't have your Wi-Fi here, Will. You don't, and you never will. You forgot you don't have his Wi-Fi. Daddy likes this. Daddy likes this Daddy likes this a lot I think what it was

Was it was someone from Austria Or Bavaria Will, you're being a terrible host Get your globe out That you've surely got And give this guy a break Of course I have a globe I'm a comedian

Who's done a poster At some stage For the comedy festival I've held it in my hands And plundered the universe That scalp's looking a little itchy That's good at some stage for the comedy festival. I've held it in my hands and blundered the universe. That scalp's looking a little itchy. That's good.

Look, it was somewhere like, it might have been Belarus or Uzbekistan or something like that. It was something like that. Right, okay. That I really have no idea about. And I was like asking about it and what's going on. Not Thailand, bored.

Yeah, yeah. Thailand or it's rest of the world. And it was rest of the world. And it was the rest of the world. So I was talking to them, and then I was sort of saying, oh, that's... Yeah, I think it was something like I said, if you were making a postcard of your country, what would be on it?

Because I know nothing about your country. That's a very healthy offer to give an audience. I think so. That's why they call him the king of improv. Yes, exactly. That is... I actually am... Just for a second, I've actually just sat back in genuine improv.

I'm like, that was pretty good. Thank you. It finally happened. It's a very good comedy. It finally happened. Look at Carl and his good comedy premises. Like we said, you're a fan. Do you want the hat?

Yeah, I'll wear it. So I asked that, and I said, well, what would be on the postcard if you had to put something from your homeland on the postcard? And she said, we're close to Russia. And I was like, wow, that's bad. If you don't have anything apart from we're close to something else, that's the difference between basically your country and Australia. We don't put on our postcard. We're close to New Zealand.

Then two people from New Zealand arced up. I'm like, yeah, New Zealand. Fuck yeah, New Zealand. New Zealand. And I was i was like i'm gonna guess you're from new zealand they're like yeah yeah so they i start saying well what are you here for uh are you just traveling and they go no no no um where where we live here and i'm like okay so you're not as big a fan of new zealand if you live here they're like we're here for your money like okay what do you do what do you do? And the girl says, I'm a hairdresser. I'm like, oh, cool. Right, well, that'd be good.

And before I even ask a question, she starts going, yeah, yeah. This weird guy comes around to my shop every week and asks for free hair. I was like, oh, well, my next question is, has anything weird ever happened? What kind of hair would you put on a postcard? So then she starts going on and on about this guy that comes around every week. I'm like, this is amazing. This happens every week.

And she goes, yeah, every week. And he wants the discarded hair that's just left over in the hairdresser. Yeah, yeah. You seem to know a lot about this, Tommy. Aspirational for me. This is a real how-to for you. It's not Josh Thomas, is it? WLB Supply.

So I go, so what do you do? Do you give her the hair? What a great solution to hair loss, by the way. If you just decide, I'm going to go that route. Like, you know, you can have a new haircut every week. Like, you just wear it for a week and then you just get, like, wash it off. The discarded strands. Of other people.

So I'm down there. Your hairstyle for that week is dictated by the discards of other people. Or you do it the other way and you see someone you like and you just follow them around for a couple of weeks until they go. Or even just say, give them a card and say, look, when are you getting your next haircut? Yes. I've got an offer.

I'll pay for half the haircut if I can have the hair once it's done. No, but that'd be great. That'd be great as a setup. That's still half the price of a new haircut. I know, I know. But I just think if you want my hair,

you paid for the full haircut. Really? You thought half was... Oh, I thought the other one. I thought it was being quite generous. Yeah. No.

It's for your discarded hair. You're getting your haircut anyway. You needed a haircut. Yeah. What are you going to do otherwise? Now it's a half price haircut. Yeah, you're getting rid of discarded hair. You're getting your haircut anyway. You needed a haircut. Yeah. What are you going to do otherwise? It's now a half-price haircut. Yeah, you're getting rid of this hair. You don't want it.

You're paying someone else to get rid of it, and you're going, no, that's not enough. I hate it when you have a haircut and they give you all the hair to hold in your hand. You're like, what am I going to do with this? Take it home. There's got to be a better way. You're wanting 100% on the dollar for the maths.

The maths of you is I want to pay you to get rid of it But you can't pay me to get it Because that's not enough Yes Fuck But you're happy Hang on

But you're happy when you go to the hairdresser For the hair to fall down and be swept away And thrown in the bin or whatever That makes me very happy Essentially I'm like the bin diver One of the people who eats out of the bins Freakins Freakins You're a hair scab Yeah Instead of a bin scab But essentially, I'm like the bin diver. What are the people who eat out of the bins? Yeah, yeah.

Freegans. You're a hair scab. Yeah, exactly. Instead of a bin scab. Yeah, right. I'm the freegan of hair. And I am just... So, okay. Are you fine with it then?

If I don't make an agreement with you, but I go to the bins behind hairdressers, and I take the hair that they've thrown out, and I glue it to my hair. Yeah, you walk out and you see Will walk around in front of you with your famous hair.

My famous hair. As you walk out, he's walking past me. You're like, this looks familiar. Ballard. A bit of ballard follicles hanging off the side of his head

when he walks in. All right, fine. I'll accept half fries. We've got you down. Is it the fact that it's a stranger that's weirdest to you like say me I come to you

a balding friend and I'm like bro I really need you to help me out I need some of this hair what are you charging me are you still charging am I paying for the full haircut

that's a great question would you let him have your hair yeah I would I guess it was like if it's just someone like I just need any hair

I don't know how fast through it is but if someone approached me and it was something specific about my hair, that's a level of violation. I guess I want to sell my body for some kind of money. You're treating your hair like blood. You should be getting a cookie at least out of it or something. Very much so, yes.

But then that does negate, I think what's wonderful about the idea is that you're going down to the hairdresser once a week and it's kind of a lucky dip. about the idea is that you're going down to the hairdresser once a week and it's kind of a lucky dip so you're turning up dome just coated in clag and just you don't know what you're gonna get but see so going to a person specifically and saying i want your hair that takes a bit of the fun out of it i i don't um i'm ginger this week like donate blood like you know i don't like needles but i would like to contribute to society and like my hair grows really really quickly if if some bald person could benefit from yeah like my leftover hair i would feel good about that yeah like you know i mean like i get a little

buzz that i was helping it's like my you know when my unhcr you know donation goes out every month i'm like yeah you're not a bad person look at you donating to refugees it'd be the same with like look at that guy look at his i'd follow him on instagram if they posted a photo i'd be like that's my hair actually like a kidney donor i mean i like that should be a business like giving other people's hair to bald people i think that's if you had like a world vision a world vision if you had like a world Vision sponsor child in Africa that had your hair, like a bald African child, that would be cool. You get a letter from there going, it's all working out pretty quickly.

The hair's going quite high in the air. It's obviously yours. You're right because we have touched upon kind of an offensive thing about the marketing of hair regrowth to balding people. This assumption that you're so desperate for hair back that you'll just take anything. Right. You know, just as long as you're getting something growing back on there, you're happy with that.

Yeah. Without thinking about, well, you know, this is a chance to do a soft reboot. Right. What's the hairstyle you always dreamed of having back when you did have hair? You can have that now. But also, it's not even that, like,

far away from what already happens because, like, women will get, like, extensions, right, of real hair and they will be people in other countries who've grown their hair long and then they sell it and they then weave it into their hair as an extension. So we're so close to the technology already. This is not a massive leap, you know?

I went and got a haircut in London at an African barber, kind of by accident, because I didn't realise that it was like a different thing. It's like different hair. This guy was just out of his element, just never dealt with such thin hair in his entire life. He's like spraying me on the head with stuff from this can. I'm like, what is this?

He keeps spraying on me. I look at it. It's a big can of olive oil. He's just fucking covering my head in. And I'm like, this is is i just think that this guy's insane i'm like this is so far what's it supposed to be doing it like it's like if you've got thick like an afro or whatever it's like loose it's like softening it up or something like that it's making it easier to cut with you you've stumbled upon one of the issues with my small business idea

because i would have to demand that people only had culturally appropriate hair yeah there'd be a lot of yeah incidents atendour in the Grass where someone's locked you up in like... My hair is not a costume! But see, that's the smart way of doing it, whereas these guys are stumbling in the hairdressers willy-nilly. A lot of times people aren't sweeping up in between haircuts. There's two, three people's hair on the ground.

So you turn that into a wig or whatever it is. You just got Neapolitan hair now. You've got... You're all over the joint. Even better. Yeah. Because, you know, sometimes you can't settle on a hairstyle. Right.

You can actually like have two or three. Right. Depending on which angle people were viewing you from. Choose your own adventure hair. Oh, I like that. You've got a mole mohawk. Yeah. What were the details from the lady in the crowd?

What else? You said he just comes around every week. So a mole mohawk. Yeah. What were the details from the lady in the crowd? What else? She said he just comes around every week. So he comes around every week and I said, have you ever given any of the hair to this person? She said no. The closest I ever got was he came in and asked as I was cutting someone's hair. So as I'm snipping it off, I'm saying to the person.

Are you going to finish that? Yeah. I'm saying, can I just take this now and give it to him? And the woman's like, no, you can't give my hair that's just been chopped off one second ago to that weirdo who just walked in the door who you don't even know. But again, what does she care? Yeah. Full credit to this guy too.

He's getting knocked back every time and he's still coming back in. Yeah. Today's the day. Yeah. No, I agree. If you keep being told no and you keep coming in, that's, I don't know, is that good or bad? Is that admirable or not? Or is that being a pest? I mean, I agree. If you keep being told no and you keep coming in, that's, I don't know, is that good or bad? Is that admirable or not?

Or is that being a pest? I mean, I kind of admire it. Depends how much hair that he needs and for what purpose. Well, that's the other question. Because he's right. Why shouldn't he just have the hair? But I think if your hair's being cut off right there, I'm glad you've really come around to my idea.

I feel like Tommy and I have started a revolution today. I've just realised in how many ways this guy is me. He's me with a bit more confidence. I've thought it, I've walked past a hairdresser, I'm like, I could never go in. You're hearing this guy getting knocked back and you're thinking, I wish I had as much confidence as him. And he's still getting knocked back.

What's a brother got to do? Yeah, right. New scenario. People are getting appendixes out all the time. What if I go into the hospital? So he's not using it anymore. Can I have that? Right.

Sure, why not? What would you do with it? Can you do anything with an appendix? That's my business, Carl. Okay, all right. Yeah, but there is a slight difference in that, like, in Cher, trademark, we're providing hair. It's a consensual relationship in which we provide hair to people

who don't have hair. It's a Cher program. Point at me when you said that. You can even follow them like a sponsor kid, like, you know, their progress with, you know, the new hair. So it's a collaborative process and you're helping somebody who doesn't have the thing. No one needs an appendix.

You certainly don't need two appendices. So I don't think that qualifies. I think that is selfish. Well, I think that at Appendix Industries, okay, we have a very different approach. That's catchy. You better trademark that name. That's my brain trying to go,

we're suddenly on a Friday afternoon. Appendix, comp, corp. The same could be said of the other thing. No one needs hair. I mean, I think I'm just as beautiful now without it as I was would arguably be with me.

You know what, I'm saying it more clearly now and I get it, you're right. What if it's like if there's an Uber system built in where I then get to give you a rating out of number of stars

based on the hair, the quality of the hair. This shit has nits in it. Yeah, well that's right. You've sold me a lemon. No, but you've got to have a rating system whereby people can give appropriate feedback

to good hair providers. This son of a bitch is thinning. Yeah. He just managed to cover it up. I had no idea. I'm going to have one of those things that are like, you like this haircut?

You might also like these haircuts. So this, so, and the other question is like, okay, if he's not building his own wig or whatever it is, like that, I think that's the first thing that would go into my head if that was happening to me.

Yeah. Someone wants the hair. It's like, what are you doing with it? Is this some sort of DNA thing? What the fuck? Oh, he might be someone who's committed a crime. He's trying to frame somebody. Maybe.

Maybe. He's potentially committing a crime in the future. Yeah. He wants some random hair to scatter around in the crime scene to muddy up the police investigation. Yeah. See, my first thought when I heard DNA was it's a Jurassic Park scenario. Spawning the clone ex-hairdresser customers.

People who've never been doesn't know. He's got the technology to do that, but he doesn't know how to get hair apart from walk into hairdressers and go, can I have that? Can i have that thing on your head yeah by the way i assume that everything we've been saying over the last 10 minutes is just people are just yelling this out at the gig as this is no no no this is happening at the gig no um so this but so this is what's happening right okay i think a pretty harmless conversation with this lady who's very vehemently suggesting throwing forward all this information.

And I'm just laughing and going, and what else happened? And then your friend, Tom Ballard, your daddy friend, who I didn't really know about this until this point, she stands up and goes, stop it. And I go, what? And the crowd goes, what? And she goes, stop making that woman uncomfortable. And I go, what? And the crowd goes, what? And she goes, stop making that woman uncomfortable. And I go, that's cool, but what are you talking about?

She's like, you're making that person uncomfortable. And I'm like, and the woman I'm talking to is like laughing and looking at me and I'm like, are you talking about the woman in the story? Am I affecting someone that's in a story or the woman that's right here? And she goes, you know who I'm talking about. You're making her uncomfortable. And everyone's laughing. And then.

Is she talking to the character in the story? That's what I mean. That's what I mean. Right. So then the woman, the hairdresser that I'm talking to, stands up, turns around and starts yelling at the heckler. And so I haven't said anything for five minutes. They start having a yelling match between each other in the crowd.

So these two women are now fighting over me. And that's the end of the story of the best gig I've ever had. Comedy and Spleen, 8.30 every Monday, everyone. Yelling too loudly. I wonder what gave them that idea. They were talking about issues, though. Gosh, that's so weird. I mean, yes, she seemed very right on,

and when my climate change material moved into me making fun of Greta Thunberg, the funny way she says words, that stupid little 16-year-old. That's not what I actually think. But yeah, I don't think she was quite on board. I thought we were on for some really great environmental material that kind of went on a different direction. I didn't know she'd been heckling you before, and then I got off, and then people were like,

yeah, that's the woman that was screaming at Tom Ballard for five minutes. I'm like, oh, okay, all right. Well, she's gone now. She walked out. Well, but also there's no one who gets more mad in this day and age and that's fine, whatever. But then someone who's over-correcting

on how they think something should go yeah like you know that idea of like they're just so passionately committed to whatever the cause is that they're interested in right that they can't you can't you can't you can't pretend that you don't agree with them for a minute for comedic effect yes because they're like no i can't put aside what i believe in this cause yeah for you to make fun of gotta you know because it's one level and you know it's it's i i the other night on the show we did a thing on that um your right to know you know all the newspapers blacked out their front pages at the same time and it's like it's a you know free press whistleblower campaign by all the major news

organizations but the ads are terrible they've made these ads and they're just horrible and so i kind of made fun of the ads and oh god abc people like you know when they're like yeah but you but it's a good cause and i'm yeah but they're terrible ads and my job is to make fun of the ads but they can't disconnect the idea that they believe in the cause yes with any critical evaluation of how the cause is. This is not very funny. Can we go back to the hair thing? But it's, yeah, it just occurred to me that there is a strain of somebody who is just so committed to an idea

that the comedy goes away. I think you're right, Will. I don't think you can say anything anymore and PC's gone mad. What I was saying is, day-matted is great. That's the thing, madness is great. Sorry. What happened to the larrikin, guys?

Literally under every one of those articles about PC gone mad, I reckon that's where you should post links to this show. You should say to people, if you really think

that PC's gone mad, like the little dum-dum club is readily available. No. No. I think we've got enough of them actually. So Tom, you'd left by this point. I'd left. You didn't see any of this.

Did you have any interaction with this woman after the gig? No, she joined the list of people who have walked out on my comedy. So, yeah. But, yeah, look, this is the worst thing in comedy to talk about, but that thing of you don't want to say, oh, you can't say anything anymore, whatever. It's fine. She was getting offended at stuff and I'm not like,

oh, God, you shouldn't get offended at stuff. It's like, whatever. She was just sort of wrong. She was just, I don't know what she was hearing. Yeah, it's not like someone going, like making what they think is an edgy joke and someone getting angry at it and then going, you can't. You're literally not. You're just talking to a woman about hair.

A woman's volunteering a story about a weird hairdresser. That's that. In the defense of, maybe she wasn't at her best because she also thought that Tom was her daddy Yes exactly I completely agree And to be honest I also I can't confirm this but I believe

That she yelled out she heckled And then I was like what what was that sorry Can you say that again and then she Reiterated what she said but then she pretended Someone else had said it and she was agreeing With them so I'm pretty sure it's one person that's saying the one thing but anyway. I love how you

think that there was two women arguing over you as well, arguing over whether or not you were making one of them feel uncomfortable. That's minor details. Betty and Veronica are in the crowd tonight. There's enough for all of you ladies, alright? There's plenty of me. you ladies, all right? There's plenty of me.

I just imagined the camera zooming on your face and a little thought bubble appearing and them just hitting each other with pillows. I love Carl. No, I love Carl. This is the best gig of my life. It was good. Two beautiful women hitting each other with duck sandwiches.

Did you have any... Was there any bits that you were particularly excited to do that night that you were upset that you didn't get around to? Why don't you roll one past us and we'll... There's absolutely no way in the world I would be doing anything like that. You gave me, you teased me with something. It's like the Masked Singer. Pull your hat down. No, the last time... Sorry, I said to the Masked Singer. Pull your hat down. No, the last time.

Sorry. I said to the Masked Singer, but it's just like open mic comics. Oh, the best. He's doing material. Amazing. The Masked Singer. The Masked Bomber. The Masked Singer.

Yeah, the Masked Bomber. Oh, they're all in balaclavas. Oh, it's Capper again. That's incredible. The Masked Zinger. I love it. Flying out an American celeb. Who do you reckon has this bit about the Harold Holt pool?

No, the last time I was backstage, and we were talking about this backstage at Spleen, which backstage is the alley out the back where someone took a big brown ice cream one time. And I was about to go on and you go, oh, test the jokes out on me. It was you and maybe one other person and I just told five jokes

to you guys looking more and more uncomfortable and I'm like, I'm never doing this again. Why did you fall for that a third time? I know, I know, I know. But then this time... Give us a premise and see if we can guess the punchline.

Oh, yeah, that's good. See how well we know Carl Chandler's kind of comedic rhythm. Give us a set-up and see if we can guess where you were going with it. I don't know if I've got any of that stuff with me, to be honest. That's in my notebook. Someone's missing the premise of Set List. I did have my Set List. I did have my Set List.

Oh, fuck, I've got some notes here. Oh, here we go. Some notes. By the way, Carl has just pulled out of his backpack like he's the Unabomber. Yeah, yeah. He's like scrawled manifestos. Just loose scrunched up.

Origami style scrunched up pieces of paper. And shit loads of hair too. What's all that hair doing in your bag? Getting something special for Tommy for the 500. What I want to know is, if these aren't jokes, what are these loose bits of paper in your bag? Do you believe that your comedy doesn't aspire to be in like, they honestly look like fortune cookies or something?

This is not the real deal. I've got my book at home. And what is it? This is, when I write, I've got my book at home. And what is it? When I write, I walk down the street and I just have, I don't know why, but I have pieces of paper that I rest on my notebook. I don't write in the notebook because that would be silly. What? I write, and if they're good enough, then they go in the notebook.

It's quite a process. It's quite a process. So you're writing as you're walking? Yes. That's insane. Even in physical form, the bits have to do open mic before they go. So you're writing as you're walking? Yes. That's insane. So even in physical form, the bits have to do open mic before they go to the notebook. Yes.

Yes. Good news, you got passed at page six. It's such a fine line between like crazy man on the side of the screen going, the aliens are in your brain and you walking down writing a notebook. Maxi Golf Mini Golf. I'm well aware if anyone's looking at me, I used to go up and down Riverside Road,

now I go up and down Bridge Road. It's either me stopping in front of people on bikes or wheelchairs and blocking people on footpaths by writing in a little notebook

on top of a little notebook or it's me pulling out a metal spoon and eating moose on the side of the street as well. So I'm well aware that people that live anywhere

near Bridge Road think that there's a fucking absolute madman living amongst them I can't even mentally picture the image of someone riding while walking

like my brain won't allow me to like put those two actions together it absolutely happens because I kind of feel like it looks better than stopping

and riding I don't know I don't know which one's better I reckon by the time you've made the decision to write while you're out in public, don't draw a line in the sand.

You've already committed to something that people are going to look at and go, that's weird. You're not ever tempted to get the phone out and use the notes function? Just type it in there? No. I don't know why. I think I've lost a few notes that way. Okay.

Unlike this foul-proof system. You should do a show where it's just like a lucky dip. You just take your backpack out and you just pull out random... That's not bad. It's actually not bad at all. Fuck. Oh, God. Have we got anything here?

Please. What are those... Just read something that's on those. I've got a mix of... Goodbye, cruel world. Fuck. Directions to the Westgate. Handwritten. Just read something that's on those I've got a mix of Goodbye cruel words Directions to the Westgate Handwritten Series of notes to all his loved ones

Dear Millard Please buy blanket at first shot Oh god I don't know whether any of this is good enough It's all just drawings of Thailand Oh god I just wish there was I don't know I don't know whether any of this is good enough It's all just drawings

of Thailand Isn't it But it's This is the worst This is everyone's worst nightmare as a comic for someone to go

through their notebook and just read something out loud that's not finished that's not good enough Yeah And everyone's wildest fantasies

to be on the other side Yeah It's a workshop. This is a safe space. We're not going to make fun of you, Carl. We're here to help you be better at comedy. Now, I don't think you write your notes in big enough fun to remind you to yell them when you're on stage.

That's the ballad tip. You don't have to read the full joke out. Will's idea is a great one. Just give us the premise. And then we can have a crack. And then you can mock how far off great one. Just give us the premise. And then we can have a crack and then you can mock how far off we are. Okay, okay, okay.

Well, there's some... We'll say things off the top of our head which is a process even before scrolling them on a weird piece of paper. Concrete mixer. Ooh, okay.

Interesting. You like this? It's a fertile ground for you. Concrete mixer. What is it? Like a social event where concrete just hangs out with each other? Oh, not bad. Thank you.

Well, all of a sudden I feel a lot better about what I've written down. Well, come on. There must... Or is it something like a mixed drink, like a spirit soda water kind of relationship? Is that the path we're going down? No, that's not. Wow. That's not.

Okay. Now we're asking for... Is this the new show? You're asking for? No, it's not. Wow. It's not. Okay. Now we're asking for, is this the new show? You're asking for clues on how a joke goes. Because that's amazing. On how your joke goes. Yeah, yeah. Because normally they're just like, yeah.

This is a show that we're pitching to Amazon. Guess my funny. It's like, so basically it's some version of what's the deal with concrete misters? Yeah, right. You know, why is concrete soft and then it gets hard? Yeah. What is it, my dick? There we go.

Here we go. Fuck yeah. There we go. Hey, hey, that's making me feel uncomfortable. Daddy doesn't care. Go on, what's your concrete mixer? Oh, is that it?

Are we cutting to the chase now? No, okay. Okay, yeah. Are there any more guesses? Do we have more? What? Concrete mixer. You know who has mixes?

DJs. I know the Avalanches. Oh, nice. Isn't that weird? Yes. Unfortunately, the crowd at Spleen are a bit too young. Even they're not going to be impressed, let alone anyone else in the world these days. Right.

But they're definitely not going to be impressed. Give me a clue. Is it about the concrete mixer itself or is it about the person who operates a concrete mixer? The mixer itself. The mixer itself. It's about the... I don't know, maybe concrete mixer is not the...

You know what I'd like to put in the back of a concrete mixer? Chocolate mousse and combine it with... These are jokes, not my dream diary. Combine it with a Nazi goreng and... Nazi goreng, hey, that's more Indonesian. Oh, is it really? Yeah, that's not really something... Culturally inappropriate. Combine it with a Nazi Goring Nazi Goring Hey That's more Indonesian Oh is it really

Yeah that's not really Culturally inappropriate I get into Exactly Not to my culture Oh by the way I did mean to tell you I heard an advertisement

On the radio this morning The Thai restaurant That's just opened at Crown Have you been there It's no good Are you kidding Are you kidding You've been there already

No no no This is literally my life In the last 48 hours People telling me about this thing Are you telling me this Yes That if you For every stamp you're having your passport to thailand you get a free meal yes yes okay and the thing is everyone's hitting me up i thought you're doing this as a bit but everyone's hitting me up and the thing is i just got a new passport so oh no it's got to be an existing passport and honestly i had so many stamps in it beforehand i would own the

fucking restaurant like they've got a thing where it's like if you have 10 or more as if anyone's got that then you get all these feasts it's like cunt I had 20

what are you talking about I've got three we can go we can split yeah I know we can split my booty

the reason they only started doing this deal was they actually got the notification from DFAT that your passport had been renewed

we can afford this now we can't afford it if this guy finds out about it but doing this deal was they actually got the notification from DFAT that your passport had been renewed. We can afford this now. Because I'm like, we can't afford it if this guy finds out about it. But after that. Well, we had to drive past it on the way here. And as we're driving past it, Carl just leans over and goes, God, I'm sick of hearing about that fucking restaurant. It literally happened. I really thought I was like, oh, this would be nice for Carl.

But I heard it. I thought about you. I was like, he'll love this. I know. Yeah, we gotta go. I wanna go, I know. But I heard it. I thought about you. I was like, he'll love this. I know. Yeah, we've got to go. I want to go. I know, it's so embarrassing. Now it's like,

I told my wife about it this morning and she's like, oh, well, I guess I can take you. I've got a few stamps. I'm like, oh, now I'm depending on my wife to bring me along to get half a free meal at the restaurant.

Don't you keep your old one? It says in the teaser sheet. Oh, it has to be current. Existing. Ah. And I'm like a fucking absolute loser Thailand open mic visitor. I've got one stamp on my passport. Like some sort of fucking virgin.

You could maybe go in with the old one and just say, hope you get someone that's not going to check the date. But that's even worse if I walk in and go, but I've been before. Look at my old passport. Can I have half a free pad tie? They say no. You leave. Then you come back in with me.

With my current one. Oh, right. You try on your one first and if that doesn't work, I'm there as the backup. Oh, that's just humiliating though. I think I would feel too embarrassed. Everything about this is humiliating. Look at our lives. This year, you take the amount of days

You're going to spend in Thailand But you just double the flights So like you basically You just split up your year You go to Thailand Every second weekend basically Right Like just for three days

Right You fly in You fly out You get some more stamps Oh okay That's a good way of saving money Increasing the flights But also increasing the

green curries. Comes back, goes to the restaurant, they're like, that promotion ended 27 months ago. It doesn't bode well for the quality of the food, is it? Are they giving away free ones for stamps just to be to a country? That seems like an odd offer. I think that's a

promotional thing that, you know, I think gets people talking. But I also think that, you know, I think gets people talking. But I also think that, you know what, it says to me, no, we think our food is so good that we're willing to even have people who've been to Thailand come and try it for free. And I think they'll be so impressed by it that they will come back another time. Yeah, I think it's a good idea. I won't be going though.

It's just too heartbreaking. You couldn't pay any money for that right well I mean I could go in two weeks time when I've got two stamps on my passport yes I'm going back to Thailand next week she's going back baby my idea is if you don't go to Thailand

like going to Thailand every second weekend isn't your fucking dream come back, record your podcast and go to Thailand. It's just, yeah, that's just a good reason now because I get cheaper curries in Melbourne when I get back as long as I keep going. The defence rests.

From Melbourne to Thailand, you're just going around and around and around like you're in the back of the cement mixer. Oh! Cement mixer, so I mean, by cement mixer, I mean By cement mixer I mean The ones that Are like vehicles Big circular

Back Yes Because that was what In your heads guys You've got to have The very like Cartoon world picture Of the cement mixer

Because that's how A lot of Carl's jokes function Like he's in Bugs Bunny Land Pianos falling On people's heads Half of my material Is written by Hanna-Barbera, yes.

Is it about the cement mixers' relationship with other vehicles? I think so, yes. Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah. Sort of, yes. Yeah.

You're going down the right track. Is it about the idea that you can buy cement mixers with Ubers and you can have some sort of Uber start? Too current for me, I'm afraid. Okay, sorry. Hey, quick thing to the listeners. Pause the episode now. Get in the Facebook group.

Have a guess of what you think it is before you listen to the rest of the episode. Yes. Write Chandler's joke for him. Six months to go until Comedy Festival. Yeah, this is great. You just post 40 of these. Try and guess what I came up with, everyone.

Oh, what about... Show done. Does it start with something like, do you think cement mixers ever look at other cars and think, is that the sort of premise that we're looking for? Is it like the hole of the cement mixer and how that might look like an arsehole? No.

I think Will's way closer to it. Will's more of a joke technician. Whereas I don't know what the fuck you're on about, Alan. I thought we were brainstorming. I haven't been late in a long time. You're in some faraway tree. I don't know how you come up with your material. I want a fucking cement mixer.

You know how the Batuta Advocate got in trouble for having joke stories that had ads that they weren't being... I bet there's like a super cynical person listening to this going they're in bed with big cement mixers for half an hour now for seemingly no reason this guy has one on his set list we just talked about crown's new thai restaurant for 10 minutes i think it's a bit more obvious than that um all right are we at the end? Yeah, yeah.

You want it now? Yeah, I want it now. All right. So this is something... This is... This is not something that I think works. This is not something great.

Oh, this is going to be fucking awesome. But there's something in it. I like this. You've asked for it. All right. All right. Let's see if I can get this.

Okay. Fuck. Now I've got to fucking decipher. I like this. You've asked for it. All right. All right. Let's see if I can get this. Okay. Fuck. Now I've got to fucking decipher what I've written. Can I just very quickly ask before you do read it out? Yes, please. I've been thinking about this the whole time. Slowly, if you like. So you write on these bits of paper that you're using a notebook as like a mini table.

Yes. It's like a travelling table. Very small table, yes. So those bits of paper, where did they come from? Where are you? Is there a second-duty notebook out there? They come from another pad. There's a process in place, all right? They come from a special disposable pad that you're allowed to rip pages off.

Okay, right. The pages in the book aren't allowed to be ripped off. Right. They've got to stay in there. And then they go into your genius mole skin that you carry around. Yes, yes. And obviously the spare pieces of paper go in the backpack once you've finished. Why?

Which bit is confusing? It's like the Joan Rivers documentary where she's got all those drawers with all the catalogue jokes and stuff. You're just a hoarder. This category here is for cement-based comedy. That's the food section. Sorry, just one more little thing. Please, two or three more if you'd like.

Why don't you keep... What's wrong with the original notebook that you can't just write the notes in that notebook without tearing out the pages and taking them out of the notebook? I think because... Because they're already in a notebook without tearing out the pages and taking them out of the notebook? I think because... Because they're already in a notebook. You're adding a step of having to take them out of a notebook before you put them back into another notebook.

I know. I constantly complain about how little time he has. Mate, you know what? If you cut out that bit of the process, you could write without walking. You could sit down to eat your moose. Just so you know, you're not... You're not inventing the wheel. I know

my wheel's fucked. I know this is a dumbass wheel concept, but I'm committing to it for some reason. And if he wasn't walking while he was doing it, he wouldn't have gone past that construction site, which presumably influenced this wonderful joke that we're about to hear. That was ten years ago.

Were you walking down the street riding in the back of a... dressed in pyjamas? Yes, and I walked past a cafe and it had a very interesting menu. Oh, that's how it happened! Inside the actor's studio. Oh, God. Go on.

So, yes. So, I write on a bit of paper and then I can scribble. I like to think that the Moleskine notebook, they're such a nice product. There's nothing better than like a really good hard-backed notebook and I want to scribble in it and make it look like some sort of madman. You know, I want to get it right on these disposable slips of paper. Put it on a table. Give it the respect it deserves. Yeah, exactly. If the joke's good enough, it gets to be leaned on on these disposable slips of paper. Put it on a table. Give it the respect it deserves.

Yeah, exactly. If the joke's good enough, it gets to be leaned on a table when I get home. Wow. Right. That's how you earn respect from me. Joke. Okay. Right.

So we're clear with that process. That makes complete sense now, right? Well, sure. You're probably adopting it yourself now. I get it. Right. Okay. I mean, I have been looking to do this.

You have been looking for a few more processes To put into place This is why we hate the question Where do you get your ideas Because it comes to this level of detail Wouldn't it be great though if this was actually the answer we gave When people asked us that question I have a process I have two packs

One backpack It's not that the question is boring The answer is too interesting I have a process. Now, I have two pads. One backpack. It's not that the question is boring. The answer is too interesting. How long have you got? Is this 3,000 words, right? Okay, so I have a spoon. Just for context.

I have a spoon. And then you hear the duck sandwich joke and you go, wow, I thought there was way less into it than this because... Did duck sandwich start on a... Was it part of the two-pad system or is it previous to two-pads? I think it's previous to two-pads. I think it's previous to two-pads because two-pads started... Old Johnny Two-Pads.

Now my process has a nickname, Old Two-Pads. Old Two-Pads. Terry Two-Pads. Yeah, Two-Pads tie. Yeah. The new process... Two-Pads tie, Pads. Yeah, Two Pads tie. The new process... Two Pads tie, very good. I get it.

Oh, now I get it. Now, where did you write that down? It's an Indonesian foot. One of those weird countries. Well, you could just put this out as an episode of Willosophy if you want, because this is a fascinating insight into how this man views the world. It's great actually I might have to get

you on the loss of your mind and only ask you about your process and guess and guess a whole hour of my jokes guess my new show

there's that great Hemingway quote writing's easy all you have to do is sit at a typewriter and bleed writing's easy all you need is

two pads one for paper one for resting and some sneakers yeah can you remember Writing is easy. All you need is two pads. One for paper, one for resting. And some sneakers. Can you remember what's Duck Sandwich? Was there momentum behind you when you came up with that one? I believe about two years ago or so, I felt it frustrating to sit down and write.

I couldn't do it anymore. And now I have to be in motion when I'm writing. I'm the same. So I have to walk. So I walk to the city and back a lot of the times and i'm riding because i can't be distracted that way apart from my shop by being out in public yeah surrounded by people yeah i know one of the most overpopulated central cities in the world but no sure you know you're right but at home there's tv in a quiet room with a blank wall and getting distracted all the time. What are you talking about? That's how it works to me.

Like you sit at home, you find something to do. You watch TV, you do the dishes, you do washing. Yeah, okay. I don't know, pay attention to my child. Stop, you know, distracting things like that that get in the way of comedy. As opposed to regularly when you're on these walks and you walk past my house and send me a message that's a photo of you outside my house saying, I'm outside your house. It's just clear and free of distraction.

But see, that's the point. When I get to your house, I'm a bit cooked. So that's just under an hour by the time I get from my house to your house. I'm pretty much out. So by then I'm like, you know what, I'll take a break. I'll take a picture of me outside your building and I'll send it to Tommy who's inside that building. Mr. Sassolo,

can Tommy come out to play? I've got a lot of good jokes on my walk. Yes. Please, for the love of God, put us out of our misery. Is this it? We've talked about the process.

And put you into a new form of misery. We've talked about the process. What does it produce? Right, okay. Wow, you guys are really really gonna want to get this new system when you hear this I don't think we've

built it up too much right no I don't think at all and you know notoriously comedians are very good laughers at jokes this is gonna go off

when you do it in the solo show great there's no way this is going into the solo show it's a deleted scene it'd be a great idea

for a TV show yeah guys let's pretend we're on a show and we're not allowed to laugh oh okay no no no you don't need to pretend don't worry It'd be a great idea for a TV show. Yeah, guys, let's pretend we're on a show and we're not allowed to laugh. Oh, okay.

No, no, no. You don't need to pretend. Don't worry. Actually, this is better. So this is the show. So the joke comes out. The joke comes out. The joke comes out.

Some sweet visuals happening at the moment, by the way. The joke comes out and then you three are the judges So you get to pass judgement on this joke Perfect And what are you dressed up as? Like a robot or a squid? The Joker of course I must say The dream job for you

Is you being on Australia's Got Talent As a judge Absolutely That needs to happen, I reckon. Have you considered Gogglebox? I think you would be good on Gogglebox. You would be good on it, yeah. Yeah.

You know what? I thought that me and Tommy should apply for that or one of those. Oh, the Amazing Race? We're talking about that one. Yeah, not that one, but the other one that they do where they travel around. I think it's on Channel 9. It's called Passports or something like that. People are going to be yelling.

It's a pretty significant hurdle to us applying to it. We don't know the name of the show. Dear show that's about. Dear show. Passports is a show where you go to a Thai restaurant and you get some free food. I'm into that as well. Okay, so on Gogglebox, there's a couple of guys

who wear wacky socks and they're two young, hip guys who sort of, you know, they're fun and people and they're two young, hip guys who sort of... They're fun and people... They're mates, right? They go around to each other's house and they watch TV together. But they're kind of happy and sunny. You guys could be just a meaner version of them for that show where it's just two mates hanging out but just ripping the absolute...

Yeah, I think we'd be too harsh, though. We wouldn't make the edit. It would be like across a whole season, you'd see one 10-second snippet of us, and regular viewers would be like, who the fuck are those guys? It'd just be you watching your friends' TV shows going, they didn't ask us to do this.

Like, oh, Rosehaven, yeah, great show, I guess. Fuck you. No, no, no, that's wrong, because we don't watch that. Brutal. But yeah, that would be... I was actually watching Gogglebox the other night for the first time, and yeah, that would wrong because we don't watch that. Brutal. But yeah, that would be... I was actually watching Gogglebox the other night for the first time. And yeah, that would be fun. Yeah.

You know, in America... It's a shame that they give it to amateurs. Well, in America, The People's Couch was the American version of that show. And they got a bunch of celebrities. The guy who played the guy with glasses in The Little Rascals, who was growing up to be a very attractive gay man, he was like one of the people on the couch. They had like celebs or people vaguely in showbiz.

Oh, right. Maybe we should just become, finally accept our fate and become YouTube comedians. Yes. We can do that. It's not bad. Yeah. I'll be down for that. Is this it?

All right. Now I've got to decipher this joke. Here we go. So, concrete mixes. Yes. Now, concrete mixers. Yes. Now, here's the first question. Is that how I would convey that to an audience? Part of it?

Do people know? No. Do people know that that's what they're called when they're driving along as a van? Are they concrete mixers or cement mixers? Cement mixers, yeah. I reckon people would say cement mixers. Yeah. Cement mixers.

Okay, let's say that. What is the difference between cement and concrete? Well, there's those ones that are like... I think one's soft and one's hard, isn't it? No, one's on the ground. One's on the ground,

you know, like at a construction site and it's just like rotating on the ground and it's fixed to the ground whereas one's driving along. Right. Anyway, okay,

so the driving along... No, no, no, no. They're just two different kinds of mixers. That's not the difference between cement and concrete. Oh, yeah, you're right. What is the difference

between cement and concrete? Now, I really need to know one's in the other I know that much really yeah you need cement to make concrete

yeah yeah yeah because cement's the powder god here come the fucking messages all week yeah Brett's late somewhere going mad

oh yeah don't even know how to make fucking concrete now he's going to drag drag a concrete mixer into our next live show To fucking show us what it looks like All your mafia listeners are furious

No, I think you use cement to make concrete, right? Cement is the ingredient and concrete is the finished product Because you talk about seeing concrete on the street as a finished thing But you don't ever go look at that dried cement Hello, Dr. Carl How can I help you? I thought you'd call him. You're looking it up?

Yes. Okay, great. All right. Well, I'll wait until you look it up. Because this is important information for us and the audience enjoying the joke. Exactly. Okay. All right.

Because if this joke doesn't work purely because of a factual inaccuracy, this is going to kill me. Right. Okay. This is breaking point. In general terms, the word cement refers to any kind of binder that lightly holds other materials together concrete on the other hand is a mixture of materials like sand gravel and small rocks combined with any type of cement and water so you're right you add the cement and water to the rocks and sand and other shit and you get yourself some concrete fuck okay i'm not sure if this adds

or detracts from the job i am ready to fucking bust a gut now that i have all the information so are they cement mixers or are they concrete mixers because they're mixing the concrete do you use them that's what you probably do right you put the cement in the water and the other shit the sand and whatever into the cement mixer and then it becomes concrete. Is it a concrete mixer because it's mixing the concrete or is it a cement mixer because it's... Well, whatever those big trucks are. Carl getting up on stage.

You all ever see one of them big trucks? She knows what I'm talking about. Yeah, I'm your daddy. Yeah, daddy. All right. All right. Yeah, I'm your daddy. Yeah. Daddy. All right. All right. All right, we've got to do it. Okay, so the visual, it's the truck.

It's the truck. As long as you guys know exactly what I'm talking about, when I say cement mixer, cement mixer. We're settled on that. And the audience at home, whatever that term means to you. Well, no, I'm telling you what that term means, and that is that. Oh, yeah, yeah. Don't make up your own mind. Yes. No, no, no, no. what that term means, and that is that. Oh, yeah, yeah. Don't make up your own mind.

Yes. No, no, no, no. No. There are two genders. Concrete and cement. Don't tell people I have the freedom to make up whatever they want within my joke. Picture a pink horse with a fucking big spine coming out of its head when you hear cement mixer.

You go for it. Make up your own jokes within my jokes. If my joke isn't funny, make a new one. Hey, language is a construct, folks. Make up your own mind. If you're not laughing, that's your imagination's fault. You're not thinking of something funnier. That's on you.

Just picture The Simpsons if you know the joke. Earlier seasons. I insist, seasons 3 through to 11, anything outside of that is on you. Google monorail. That'd be a good rating scale in the paper. Instead of stars out of five, you just get ranked against a season of The Simpsons. Oh, that's a fucking, this is brutal.

I've copped it this year. Well, it's not bad because you're kind of like, you're like, yeah, well, The Simpsons is still, yeah, obviously a great TV show. It's just not very good sometimes now. And you're like, well, I'm still, well, The Simpsons is still, yeah, obviously a great TV show. It's just not very good sometimes now. Right. And you're like, well, I'm still being compared to The Simpsons. So even if I'm like one Simpson, you're still like, oh, well, that's all right. Yeah. Good man.

Yeah. No, no, no. But I mean, you get, it's like Will Anderson's show this year is, the rating is The Simpsons season 19. So it's breaking you against the quality of progressive seasons. His early work was, you know, more your sort of Simpsons season six. Yeah. This is more your Simpsons season 25. Yeah, you pick up...

They compare you to a season. You pick up your review and it says 25 stars. And you're like, fuck yeah, I've had a good one. And it's like, no, no, it's out of 30 seasons old. I got a Tracy Ullman shorts rating. How the fuck does that work? All right. All right, here we go.

Speaking of five-star comedy. Have you heard the latest Dumb Dumb Club episode? They take 25 minutes to tell a joke. It's so good. Joke's a strong word. Okay. Very strong word. So you're saying this premise is more

cement than concrete. Concrete mixer is what we're going with, right? Concrete mixer. Can you believe

you didn't want to do this? The pad is the binding agent, the loose bits of paper are just

swirling around in there, all coming together. And when it's set, it goes in the book. You get to

carve your name in it with a stick. Carl was here. That's more of my writing on the top of the pad process. He's writing in wet cement. Comedy was here. Let's stop having fun and hear my jokes. A new show by Carl Chandler. Don't look for more jokes.

There's no more jokes in there, all right? You're looking for a replacement. Oh, fuck, you have? No. Oh, you found Blu-Tack. Blu-Tack? Where does that fit into the process? That's not on the set list.

That's literally on the set list. That's literally on the set list. Oh, okay. I'm used to hold the piece of paper in place on the notepad because you're holding it up, so gravity is going to do its thing. Oh, guys, you're in for a treat. I've found the notepad. Yeah! Look at it, guys.

It's highlighted. Now, hang on. That's the notepad that you tear things out of. Yes. But then you also write yourself a stomach. Hang on. Oh. I was imagining this so differently.

Like, you've just added a whole other layer to what I already thought was the most bananas thing I've ever heard of. He's the best written character in podcasting. I assumed that this other notebook was somewhere else. I assumed it was at, like, home or whatever, and so you ripped the pages out so you could take them with you. I didn't assume that the notepad you were ripping the pages out of

to then just leave them in your bag was also in your bag. Next to the pages of it that had been ripped out. Yes. It's like they say, never meet your heroes. It ruins everything, right? I think I've hit critical mass where i don't find that any more or less weird yeah no i guess that's true but i just

but why rip them out the notepad's just there why would you rip i don't understand yeah i don't know finish the joke all right okay what what this process? What made you start to think I need Like how long have you been Doing this for? Inspired because I couldn't sit inside anymore I had to walk outside

No I get that But the two notepad system How long has that been going for? Well like I said I don't want to waste The notepad Because it's such a nice The notebook

I don't want to waste that With like Super bad Notes Yeah yeah yeah So one day You're sitting in front of the mosque and you've got the pen out, you sweat pouring down your forehead

as you're committing a joke that might not be that good and all of a sudden a light bulb goes off and you go, I've got to get a second pad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You think the good jokes might get like, but why are these guys here? Yeah, yeah. Man, I just found another piece of paper, another list with other jokes in it.

Look, I'm committed to concrete mixer, to cement mixer. Are you though? I'm committed to it. But I'm just going to say you guys missed out because there's a joke here called fat orphan that you have actually missed out on, which is a real shame for you guys. Don't adopt fat orphans because of the cost of feeding them? That's not it. Did they get abandoned because they're fat?

No. No. Imagine being a fat orphan. That must be sad. Classic take of Tom Ballard. Yeah. No. Okay.

Not that. Fat orphan. No. Man, now we're in a joke. This is a joke within a joke. Yeah, right, right. All right, we'll finish the joke within the joke and get back to the joke. Yeah, right, right. All right, we'll finish the joke within the joke and get back to the joke.

Right, right, right. Okay, so this one I think... Fat Orphan. Fat Orphan. The support act for Concrete Mixer is Fat Orphan. Give it up for Fat Orphan. Give it up for Fat Orphan. Old Johnny Two Pants prevents Fat Orphan.

And the Conc mixer I was at a cafe the other day And I saw a fat orphan And I felt so sad for him Because he's an orphan The fat orphan joke is loosely Fat orphans must feel sad When they order a family pizza For more than one reason

They don't need to be fat Because they're eating a whole family pizza by themselves I have to justify that I don't think you're ready for concrete mixture If you're going to react like that See I'm picturing a really young, recently orphaned, fat orphan child who doesn't have the means to get and pay for their own pizza. Okay.

So that's what I'm picturing, you know, real, again, in the cartoon world of Carl Chandler. Sure. Little five-year-old. Yeah. Freshly out on the street. Yeah. Okay. I can finally see a flaw with this show.

You're right. You're right. You're right. I'll identify that. I'll work on that one weakness. I'll polish it up and get it ready for next April. You do it on the gala. It's killing. I'm like taking you to court.

I can't help but hear a joke about an orphan, a child that's lost their family, but also who's been fat shamed. You think, what happened to the larrikin? Political correctness has robbed us of the... And again, look, let me underline the fact that there's a reason why that joke is in the backpack and not in the notebook, all right?

There's a reason why that's in there. It's not even in the main... It's not even in the main bit of the backpack. It's in the sub bit of the backpack and not in the notebook, all right? There's a reason why that's in there. It's not even in the main bit of the backpack. It's in the sub-bit of the backpack. Is there different levels of the backpack? There's a hierarchy. There's a hierarchy to the pockets. Oh, I'm moving you to the back pocket. What I like about it is it's a joke about a fat orphan

being done by a podcaster, so it's still technically punching up someone in the crowd like stop that immediately you're like i'm wearing my own merch come on i can't afford a family pizza i think there's definitely something in the orphan family pizza, family size, family pizza stuff, or family car. Yeah, yeah. Look, there's something.

That's not the completed work. Hey, it's October, you know? Yeah, yeah. 9-1's March 30th. This is not the Sistine Chapel roof, all right? This is Da Vinci's backpack. The roof. This is Da Vinci's backpack at this stage.

It's not on the ceiling Right Alright Well a lot of people Don't know that he Actually sketched it all On notepaper Before he put it up

On the ceiling Walking around Rome It was just Blu-Tack It was just Blu-Tack Walking around Rome Before he drew A little fat orphan Up there

Yeah He had a second Shittier chapel That he was Ripping bits of plaster Off and Scribbling on Just down the street Having a crack That's actually That's actually pretty good second shittier chapel that he was making. Ripping bits of plaster off and scribbling on. Just down the street

having a crack. That's actually pretty good. Walking down the street with a bit of roof. Just my process, man. Just find it hard at home. I get distracted. Vacuuming.

What are you pulling that chimney out of your backpack for? Because it's not ready yet, idiot. Oh, fuck. All right, I think we've had

a lot of false starts but I think we're finally ready. Is this the last bit of the podcast? Where are we up to? It's a mix. We're in overtime. Oh, okay, all right.

Great, all right. We do this and then we get the three judges and then we're out. Okay, all right, great. Fuck. This is the worst gig

I've ever had already. I think I'm almost more nervous than you. Don't be like that. You've got to be relaxed to enjoy a joke. It's been such a build-up, though. I know, I know. It's like... So...

Concrete mixers. When you see a concrete mixer, like, driving down the street, the back part of it's always rotating, right? Because it's got to keep rotating to keep that concrete liquid. Because if it stops, it becomes less of a concrete mixer and more of just a heavy truck. Okay. You laughed, you're out.

Okay. Right. Thoughts? Okay Right Thoughts I reckon Keep in mind This is not in the book I think if you started Doing that regularly At gigs

It would become Known on your set list As heavy truck Yeah Maybe No Yeah maybe But I don't

But you can't Name a joke After the Let's say Punchline Can I say If you perform Maybe. No? Yeah, maybe, but you can't name a joke after the, let's say, punchline. Can I say, if you perform that joke at a comedy club, I would laugh. Now, that's not the same as it being funny. That's like saying Ben Lomas would laugh.

Yes. That's not a good thing. I would laugh at you doing that, yes. Yes, right. It's a no from me. You are not going to Sydney my initial thoughts honestly are self-serving

in that I'm I was feeling worried are you working on a concrete mix a bit well no I'd felt worried that like I'd lost my comic ability

by not being able to guess it but now I realise I was misled by the idea that it was a joke of some kind so I was looking in the completely wrong category. You were looking for a murderer where the victim had committed suicide.

I was like, this hair is not from his body. And look, I actually am asking because I actually don't know if this is the case or not. It might surprise you to find out that I don't know much about the construction industry. And it might surprise you that I don't either. Are they spinning when they're driving down the street? Yes.

They are? Yes. Okay, well. Because the concrete has to be continually mixed so it doesn't spin. Otherwise, it becomes a heavy truck. Yes. Okay, well. Because the concrete has to be continually mixed so it doesn't sink. Otherwise, it becomes a heavy truck. All right, well, now that I know that, I think it's the world's most perfect joke. Great, thank you.

I wondered why you didn't laugh, but now I know why. He did laugh. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I loved it even before I thought it was factually inaccurate. I was like, this is absurd. He's like bloody the mighty Boosh up there right so it's a

I feel like it's a yes from you two no's no I haven't said no yet okay I'd like to see more you did say it was not a joke which I thought

might have been a soft no at the very least no no no I think you can work with not a joke right because it's so much upside so much potential

yeah exactly to fix her up right you know what to get rid of right um there's a lot of explanation you have to do a lot of explanation to get so regardless of how good it's going to be at the end yeah i feel like you have to do a lot of run-up yep to get to that yes that that would be my major issue i i got that feeling from the fact that we've been talking about it for 40 minutes i think this is something in concrete mixes, though. Yeah. Like, I think it's intriguing.

I don't know what it is. It's like the Misty Whippy van of construction or something. Yeah, right. It's comical. Here's my advice. Abandon all your jokes and just explain your writing process on stage. People will laugh.

Tell them about the paper from the different notepads and stuff and just talk. Can we quickly, I know Tom has to go, but can we quickly ask, do you remember the process, like what inspired the cement mixer? Did you just see a cement mixer? I walked down Bridge Road and saw a cement mixer.

Ripped from today's headlines. I'm topical, what can I say? How do you get your ideas? It's like you hold a mirror up to society and explain what's in the mirror and write down what's in the mirror

on a piece of paper. I know. The tragedy about this... hold a mirror up to society. I just thought that meant see

things and say it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The tragedy... It's like you hold a plate of glass up to society. The tragedy about this joke Is that in years to come This is so entwined with 2019

That it won't be as good anymore I mean you've got to do that joke In March 2020 You've got to think about it Will it still work? Just as a Game of Thrones character Looking like a fucking idiot I mean logic wise It's already a heavy truck Just as a Game of Thrones character looking like a fucking idiot.

I mean, logic-wise, it's already a heavy truck. Regardless of whether it's set or not. There is a logical flaw in that the concrete weighs exactly the same. Exactly the same. Exactly the same, regardless of whether it's... So also scientists would be like, well, that is actually just a flawed premise. And I'd hate to get heckled by Stephen Hawking in a comedy club. It's not going to sound as good as daddy.

No. It's going to be daddy. Oh, take that, Stephen Hawking. Finally. What happened to the larrikin, guys? It's fine. He's dead. Oh, well, fine then.

Sorry. Could it be something along the lines of instead of going like, It's fine, he's dead Oh, well fine then, sorry Could it be something along the lines of Instead of going like Imagine if it broke down It's like you saw a guy Whose cement mixer had broken down And it was still So now, you know

Oh, you think the context is the thing killing this joke What about Don't lash out at me No, I'm not I'm not lashing I'm not lashing, I'm asking What about the fact that the premise, the most interesting thing about a concrete mixer to me is the idea that,

well, honestly, is that if they keep it moving, it remains a liquid. But the minute that it stops moving, it becomes solid. So is there something in the premise of using that to jump off into, like imagine if all liquids were like that. So if you were trying to drink a beer, you had to constantly, like whatever the, you know, like using the actual premise of that as long as you keep it moving, it's liquid. The chemical.

Is there something in that? That feels like there might be like a. Then imagine if a cement mixer was filled with beer. Yeah. That'd be cool. Yeah. Okay, great. I think the Mr. Whippy analogy that you said before,

I think there's something in that. Oh, wouldn't it be great if Mr. Whippy analogy that you said before I think there's something in that Wouldn't it be great if Mr. Whippy Vans were like Cement mixers, they had to constantly keep churning No, not quite Oh, well what if Concrete mixers were like Mr. Whippy Vans And every time they pulled up to a construction site You heard ding ding

And then kids ate the concrete And died Well, I mean, you know, it's a workshop. We don't do that kind of comedy here. We've got five months or so. We've got five months. Right in, guys. Yeah.

This will be done by the 500th episode. I reckon this will be ready to perform as the opening act in the 500th episode of The Afternoon. What if the truck is being driven by a fat orphan? That'd be interesting. Callback. You can't put a joke on a joke. No. That's the rule. Okay. I need to leave. That'd be interesting. Callback. That's, you can't put a joke on a joke. No,

hat on hat. Okay. I need to leave. Okay. All right, guys, thanks very much for joining us.

Will and Tom, thank you very much for joining us. You both have podcasts that people can check out. Yes, my podcast is called Like I'm a Six-Year-Old.

Yep. It's about politics and stuff and it's good. It's very good. Similar to what we just talked about there. Very similar. I listen to it all the time. I think it's fantastic. It's very good. Similar to what we just talked about there. Very similar. I listen to it all the time.

I think it's fantastic. Thank you, Will. I have a bunch of podcasts. And I'm doing a big national tour of my stand-up next year. So I'm going to go to heaps of places and do a heap of different shows. I'm going to do a... Different shows? Yeah.

So I've got one show that I only did in Melbourne last year that I'm going to tour nationally. And then I'm going to do my show about being arrested again in some other places that I didn't take it to. And then at the Comedy Festival, I'm going to do ten nights of my improvised show. In Melbourne? I'm going to do, yeah, so literally every single bit of it made up on the spot.

Different show every night. Awesome. If you'd like to use my backpack to pluck out subject matters, I'm sure I can lend it to you for 10 months. Yeah, every night a joke about a concrete mixer. 10 shows only about the premise of concrete mixing and every night I try to make it into a joke. And just without any context, any explanation,

just a backpack with Carl's written on it and then you pluck subject matters out of it i guarantee for dum dum pansy coming to the show at least once per night for the run of

the comedy festival um if a if a really good joke comes out i'll go that one's with the notebook right great great great stuff

uh all right guys thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. And they've done it again. Oh, my God. What a fucking roller coaster that was. What a triumphant ride that was.

Roller coaster. It basically went kind of straight. It didn't really do any loops or anything. But it was still fine. You don't think there were loops? I think there were loops. Was there? Yeah.

Oh, look, it doesn't have to... Not all journeys have to have loops for them to be interesting. No, I'm not saying they do. But I would say that us getting you to read out your set list, that was the result of a loop. That wasn't planned. It actually made me quite sick. So, yeah.

I was hating it. I was locked in. I was trying to get off. Fuck this. You must be this fucked to write. No, great times. Like I said at the top of the show, always fun to do an episode with those two specifically because they listen every week.

They kind of know what's going on. But yeah, to get them both on the same one, very fun. They know the language. Yep. They know the shorthand. Yep. No, very fun. A tiny bit of an addendum to one of the things I was talking about in the show,

the bit about at Spleen with myself and Tom Ballard doing sets and all that stuff kicking off with me. One little thing that I found slightly amusing was that before that – And this is the place for stuff that's slightly amusing. Yes. Not the main ep, talking dum-dum. No, no. Here's the off cuts.

Yeah, exactly. Here's the hair that's been swept off the floor. This is the B-side on the B-side of the episode. Right, right. Yeah, yeah. This is unnecessary detail. I didn't think we needed it within-side of the episode. Right, right. Yeah, yeah. This is unnecessary detail. I didn't think we needed it. Footnotes.

We didn't mean the story. Yeah, yeah. Before the show, in the socials, on the socials and in the aware group on Facebook that we've got with a heap of people in, there was a listener that had been sort of, I'm not sure where she's from, but she's traveling to Melbourne for, I presume, work, but making a sort of a big thing of- Oh, doing the Dumb Dumb Reality Tour. The Dumb Dumb Reality Tour.

Yeah. She went over the West Gate and stuff like that. Which is funny to do because it's like to do that, you have to go to like such a shit part of Melbourne. Yeah. Just really wasting your holiday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to drive over to the West and just come back again, I guess.

Yeah. So that happened and then she was sort of going, oh, I can't wait to go to Spleen. That's next on the trip. And I guess we've talked about on the show about me gigging at Spleen every week and stuff like that, doing new material and whatever. So then I went to – I got to Spleen very early. There was no one there, but this small group of people. And then the lady who is the listener was there. Oh, can we get a photo?

I'm like, absolutely, sure. So that all happens. Then the show kicks off and it's like, you know, it's a fun show. As we've talked about what happened happened, I thought, well, that's the absolute perfect end to the reality tour to see one of my sets going fucking bananas yeah right she's doing a reality tour but it's like pre it's like pre-reality because now we've talked about it on the show as well yeah she was there so it's yeah she's really gotten all into the spectrum well not quite okay with all that it gets it gets to the end and i and uh i think she sent me a message going, oh, you know, thanks

for everything. I was like, no worries. Gee, you really got what you're there for. Oh, no, I didn't stick around for your set. I left before that. Oh, yeah, cheers. She gets it. I'm in love with this woman now.

Very funny. So, do you reckon, when do you reckon she left? Like, she saw Ballard and was like, well, it's not going to get any better than this. Yeah, I think, oh no, look, to be fair, she was with some other people and I think they were not as probably entranced with the culture of a Monday night open mic as she was. Right. Yeah, but presumably these friends got dragged to the Westgate as well, so who are they to then be going, free comedy, yuck.

Yeah, but a bridge linked to suicide. Yeah. Good shit. But that wasn't late at night, so you know. Yeah, fair. It was doable. Doable. But yeah.

See, that's the PS. I wouldn't be presenting those off cuts to Will and Bella. You wouldn't want to be in Will's house wasting his time with rot like that. Exactly. I'll waste it in your house. I think it's appropriate for your house. We've now done two episodes at Will's house. Will's house is pretty close to becoming the third official site of the Little Dumb Dumb Club

right after my house and your house. Yeah. We haven't done one at my house for a little bit now, after my house and your house. Yeah. We haven't done one at my house for a little bit now. Now that I have a baby. Yeah. We didn't do too many there. Not as many,

but yeah, a couple here and there. Probably Josh and Fiona was the last one we did there. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's a little while back. A little while back, yeah.

Yeah. Is there any, can you tell? Without a saying, I wonder if listeners can figure out where we are when we're recording. I'm sure there are people who've worked out how our respective houses sound. The acoustics. What are the acoustics in each house like?

What do you think? I remember a while ago... You can really hear the cum at the moment, I suppose. Yeah. Dripping off the walls. Your house. No! No!

My cum is quiet. I remember you used to, every now and then, we used to do one of these down at the basement at the European Beer Cafe. And you could certainly tell what we'd done them in there. Yeah, right. Acoustically, quite bad. Bad.

Yeah. But now I'm here and we're here in my apartment. I got the old egg cartons lining the walls just to really make sure that the couple of hours I spend in here recording, just to make sure that it's as pristine as it can be. Yeah, got the producer over there in your bed just giving us the thumbs up. Everything's sounding good at the moment. The old producer.

Yeah, yeah. Some producing going on over there. Workbench productions. How is life in this apartment? What do you think? You asked me that before off mic, and I was just immediately suspect. Like, what's going on?

There's no suspect. There's, you know... You said a how's your house. Yeah. Like... What's wrong with that? Well, I'm trying to work out exactly what you want to know. You know, how's life...

It's a very vague question. How's life living here? You happy living here? I still like living here. You still like it? Yeah. It sounds like there's something, you know, it sounds like there's some sort of bad side somewhere.

The only thing I would change, the only thing that would compel me to, like, move, would be more kitchen space would be very nice. Oh, really? I've been cooking more recently. Right. And as you can see, it's fucking pretty cramped there. There's not a lot of room to –

Yeah, but what do you need room for? How much – you're cooking for one. Yeah, but if you're cooking a recipe where there's enough different elements to it, there's just a lot of very – having to get very creative with space and kind of like – Creative with space? Yeah. What's this creativity? Oh, fuck, are you asked?

See, this is what I mean. I'm answering the question. I feel like Ray Badren. I want to see this creative space. I want to hear about you putting a pot of spaghetti on top of the flat screen TV. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Turn it up.

Turn it up. I want to hear some of this artistic genius you have. Yeah, well, I'll send you a pic next time. I'll let you know what I'm doing. Great. No, really all it means is sometimes using this table that we're sitting at. That gets used as a bit of bench space as well. See, that's creative.

It's not technically. Like the great Pablo Picasso used to do. Fuck off. Not in the mood. so used to do. Fuck off. Not in the mood. But that's,

yeah, that's the only thing that I would, that I would like different in an apartment. Right. Definitely, because you know what, I've also,

I've lived in two places in a row now that have had shitty kitchens. Right. And for a long time it was like something when I would look at a place I'd be like,

yeah, who cares? Yeah. But it's definitely, if next time I move, it's like, you really got to focus on that. You got to make sure you got some good kitchen space. Having said that, last time you moved, did you have any choice of where you were moving to at all? Or were you just desperately saying yes to whoever would take you?

To here? Yeah. Yeah, a bit of that. Yeah. That's what I thought. Yeah. It was just, and I like this place. Yeah. That's what I thought. Yeah. It was just... And I like this place. Yeah, it's good.

And I love the location. But I think you were begging to fucking lie under a bridge at one point. Yeah. I applied for a couple that I didn't get, but also just going to a lot of inspections that were like, you know, you go to a place and it's like, this just isn't good. Yeah. Like, I wasn't applying for stuff that was too shit. Also, there, like there like wasn't heaps coming up and then you'd go and there's like a million

people at the inspection yeah um but yeah i definitely but this was a lucky intersection of just like being desperate and needing anything but then also ending up with something that is quite good by any standards anyway yep sure i believe i was at your house when I got the phone call. Did we ever talk about how I put you down as a reference? Sure. But then they never called you. Yeah. Yeah. I think I've been put down as a reference a few times.

I've never got the call. Yeah. Right. Never got the call, which is good because I mean, what am I supposed to say? Well, yeah, I was a reference for someone recently on a job application they were doing. Really? Yeah, I was like, you really can't ask anyone else. And it's like, it's now...

Someone I know? Yes. Wow. Yeah. Someone in comedy? Yes. Oh, wow. Now I need to know.

Yeah. I'll tell you off, Mike. Fuck, everyone's hating this now. I'll say that it's no one that listeners of this would know. Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, if it was someone in our world, I'd hand them up immediately. Oh, okay.

Great, great, great. But you get sent like an automated... Some loser comment that needs a real job. I get it. You get sent this like automated link of like, you know, and it's like you have to go through all these things. Was it Will Anderson? Yeah, it was Will Anderson.

I got him the job on Gruen all those years ago. But it's such a weird process to go through of just having to – it takes ages to go through and fill out this form and it's very specific questions about how you think the person handles these things. And it's kind of like just imagining the person who gets asked to be the reference and then they're filling out this form about the person that they're the referee for and like not giving them a good sell.

You know what I mean? Like sort of then going on and going, yeah, he's actually pretty shit. It's like the person who'd asked you to do it, they'd have to have fucked up pretty bad. Yeah, I think I've talked about this before. I did that once where I had a job and then I was really friendly with the owners. And then I went to get my next job and it was through a chain of businesses that they were part of a chain of. Okay, right.

So then they were like, oh, so they were talking to me about, oh, how's your job hunting going? Because I'd left that work to go travelling and then came back and was like, oh, I'll get a job at the same company. Okay. And so they were like, oh, you know, we can be referees.

I'm like, great. And then so they're all very aware that I'm going for this job and going for the interview. I go to the interview and I'm like, oh, yes, so anyway, any questions? And they're like yeah yeah your old uh your old boss has said you're a bit shit oh yeah very interesting very great great so then so then eventually like the old boss has hit me up and go how'd the interview go and i was like not ideal because apparently my references were fucking cunts yeah would you ever say like if i if i said to you can you be a reference for me for this job

application if you were planning to say to them i don't think he's very good would you would you say to me man i think you should get someone else because i don't think i can be trusted. I don't want to lie to a company on your behalf. Or do you take it as like someone asks you – if you're saying yes to being a reference, the implication is I'm just going to big you up and say all good things about you. Yes. No, completely. If someone asks – yeah, if you said that to me, if you asked me to do that and in my head I was going to hand you up, absolutely. I'm not going to put myself in a position where I then get the call from you going, what the fuck?

Why did you tell? Why did you fucking tell the people at KFC that I'm a pedophile? Why the fuck would you say that? But I love – I also – that is weird though that that job did that to you because I do wonder about that happening. Like do they call you up and go, you didn't get the job, and we'll tell you why not. It's because you've your friend, Carl.

Yeah. Well, this person, it happened. That's what I mean. Surely that must be like, you know, that sticks out as a, you know. That's not common. That's not a normal thing to do in any way. Yeah. In any of those sides, it's not a normal thing to do in any way yeah in in any of those

sides it's not a normal thing to do it's not normal to be talking to an ex-employee and going yeah yeah i'm helping you with this thing and then go and bitch about him right and it's not normal to be in the interview and then hand up your mates to work for another franchise and go well it's not what i hear cunt i heard bit... Weirdly enough, this is one of those rare stories where you're the only one behaving appropriately in this scenario. You're in the middle going, I've done nothing wrong. How am I the voice of reason? Apart from having been a shit employee in the first place,

you've done nothing wrong. Yeah, good stuff. At least they could have told me that to my face before when I asked them to be a fucking reference. See, this is one of those rare shames that we're not on commercial radio. This would be a great phone-in topic. Oh, yeah. When have you been stitched up by a reference?

Yeah, fuck. Actually, that would be great. Let's get a thread going on the Facebook, guys. Yeah. Hello, my story about being stitched up is you two are cunts. Kill yourself. Yeah, hello. My story about being stitch-up is you two are cunts. Kill yourself. Yeah, cool. Delete, post and ban from group.

That's the thing. It's like we often say like, oh, it's a shame that we, you know, to be able to have like a call-in element where we could get on a riff on the show and like listeners could call in and we actually get those stories. Nothing I would like more. But it's like – but the truth of the matter is it would be exactly what you're saying. It would just be like, oh, cool, anyway, we've got a guy here

who reckons he's got a good story that ties in with what we were talking about. You two are cunts, duck sandwich. Like it would be – it would not be fruitful at all for us ultimately. Look, maybe we should – I think this is appropriate to say now. We did the Perth show a few weeks ago. I had a little funny thing. This is what people have missed out if they haven't gone to a live show. This year, we've done this a little bit interstate, where as part of my solo show, I did a little

thing that people know if you came to the show, which was I would say, hey, the shame about doing a podcast, not radio, is I've always wanted to do callback. I always wanted to talk to people on the phone. And I've always wanted to prank someone, do those legendary radio prank calls. And then I say to the audience, let's do one. I'm going to prank call someone's dad. Who wants me to call up their dad and prank them right now so this happened in perth uh someone put the hand up

goes yeah ring my dad and so then i go right well i need a few details what's his name what does he do uh uh you know how you you two getting along what's uh any private jokes any stories anything like that and in perth someone put the hand up and sort of went yeah here's the number um yeah i haven't spoken to him for 10 years. He's estranged from the family. Yeah, did the dirty on my mum. I won't talk to him, whatever. Anyway, you talk to him.

You prank him. I've been trying to get in touch with him, and he wants nothing to do with me. It's just fucking so brutal. So then I, the audience, the whole audience, there's 200 people there, like, oh, my fucking God. And so we're all dealing with that, the whole audience is, you know, there's 200 people there like, oh my fucking God. Yeah. And so we're all dealing with that and I'm like, oh God.

And then I'm like, well, I need his number. And so the guy's just like, here you go. And just gives me his phone without, and it's not like here's his phone number on the screen. It's here's the thread of text messages that have gone between the two. And you can get the number from that. Yeah that have gone between the number from that yeah you get the number from that yeah but he gives me the text and it's just all one-sided all his dad pleading to be let into his life oh really yeah dad is pleading with him yes wow yeah that's brutal it's just all less son i love you let me back in's like, there you go. Ring this guy and call him a cunt.

But do you want to talk about what the actual bit is? Yes. Because that changes the context significantly. Yes. So the audience get very scared. This is what an amazing thing to kick off. But the little funny joke element is I then ring the number. I don't ring the number. I've got a mic backstage and I've got a friend of the show

pretending to be the dad that no one knows about. So in that instance, it was Brett Blake. So I've seen this bit a few times. So I'm standing up the back of the room. I mean, I think I'm the only other person in the room that knows the full context. So you're saying everyone's like this is amazing yeah that's not the impression i got from being in the middle of the room people are freaked out that's that's

what i'm saying amazing but this is great i'm saying people are like what the fuck but i'm looking at you going like oh this is perfect like this is the perfect setup but then because you're not backing down you're like great let's call him up you just look psycho like oh no i don't think that's exactly how i handled it because i was like this is i was giving him chances to not do it because i was like i'm playing along with it going i know the answer i know what's going to happen it's not even the dad exactly i'm freaking out yeah yeah yeah i was like fuck it like for some reason my subconscious was like what if this goes wrong and i accidentally do ring him yeah oh man everything about it like yeah him him pushing it and then you not because if that really was a thing that you were doing like you literally were prank calling people yeah you probably would end up going i don't

really want to do this yeah i'm we going to have to just get someone else. Just the vibe in the room and the atmosphere for those five minutes was just electric. So good. I agree. And I did give him a chance. I was like, are we sure this is what you want? And people were like, yeah, you've got to do it now.

Fuck. Okay. Just so sick. But I was like, I think that's a really funny idea. And I haven't heard of that idea happening before, I think that's a really funny idea. And I haven't heard of that idea happening before. I think it's a very funny idea. But I was like, you know, I don't know whether that's a disappointment in the end of like just getting Blakey to pretend to be someone's dad.

Because like, it's very funny. Yeah. But then it's like, but what would have happened? I'm trying to remember what the response was when people heard that it was Blakey. Like people heard Blakey's voice. It was, I think it was. I think people were still a bit like stunned and confused and. Yes.

Not really. Yeah. Because I sort of thought, I sort of thought he'll speak and then people will get, oh, we're actually safe here. This is a bit. We're fine. And then there'll be a huge laugh. Yeah. But it was, it got a laugh, but it was definitely still a bit of like, wait, are we okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, we don't know. We've just lived in this for like five minutes. I agree. I think there's a cool down period. I think people were stunned and confused and maybe some people disappointed and some people just got their head between their legs because I've done that bit in other towns and I've just had Kappa doing the voice and Kappa comes on and everyone goes, great, ha-ha, this is this thing.

You know what was great was then the week after that when we put the post about the episode online, I saw a couple of times people going clearly who'd just been pissed for the whole day at the show going i can't wait to hear the phone call bit in the pod yeah that was in the solo show you fucking drunk idiot yeah i did feel like i should have been in the pod though definitely yeah yeah yeah it was very funny wonderful stuff well i'll reveal that trick now that I'm not doing that trick anymore anyway. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. The masked Chandler. Yeah. It was a great trick. I thought that was such a funny idea. Yeah. Anyway. Fake prank call.

Yeah. But now that people know that, what you can do is the next time you do a run, you can actually do prank calls for real. Yeah. And you try and find the most brutal one in the room. Yeah. And you have people going, ah, this is all fine and then it's just literally some cunt's dad going why are you calling me i hate my adopted son great yeah um we do have a few uh uh shows coming up yep uh we have of course we've been talking about recently the 500th episode

that's happening on April 25, 2020 that is selling, like we said, gangbusters. It is going to sell out. It's a massive theatre and it will sell out so get your tickets.

We've got, of course, in the immediate future we have the Gold Coast and we have Hobart. Hobart. Now, Gold Coast we haven't really talked about for a little bit

but it's going to be very interesting because we are going up a day early. We're staying at the hotel, the resort that you won. Curran Cove Resort. It's a prize that I won as a result of raising a lot of money for the Children's Cancer Institute. Thank you to everyone who listens to the show who kicked in. Since winning it, it was very exciting to win it,

and then since winning it all all i've found out about this place is that it just sounds like a piece of shit yeah it sounds really bad yep it's it's a it's a difficult ferry ride out there it's uh the whole island is licensed so you can't bring in any of your own beers the the restaurants and whatnot on the island are substandard at best. Oh, really? Yeah. Fuck. So there's this thing.

We've been going away for interstate gigs and stuff like that. Going to Thailand this year for the festival and going to England for gigs and whatever. This is just another time where I've had to explain to my wife, sorry I'm leaving you and our child here, but I've got to go to a resort in Queensland. Yeah. It's like, oh, you're just having fun. I'm like, I'm actually not. This is work and it sounds like it's shit.

Well, yeah, exactly. The easy thing to say back to that is I'm sharing a room with Tommy. So believe you me, I will not be having a good time. Neither of us will be having a good time. What are we going to do? I don't know. Because it's like, the obvious idea is just to fucking get absolutely fucked off our heads. I think that's the only option we have.

But we're going to be there with fucking $13 beers. Yeah, well, I don't know. Look, there's no way I'm not sneaking booze in somehow. I mean, we've got to have a crack at that. I'm going full blue light disco. I'm getting booze in this. I'm going to hollow out the heels of my shoes. I'm just going to get little tiny pouches of alcohol,

however I can get in there. Yeah. I'm going to fill a condom with Fruity Lex here and put it up my ass. I'm going to go bareback and just pour Fruity Lexia up my arse. Yeah, I guess maybe if we could get some like – maybe because the whole thing is we'll be there for a night and then we'll talk about our experience the next day at the live show. You know what?

Now, this is the real talkback question. Okay. What's the best way to smuggle booze in somewhere? Best way to smuggle booze in –? Best way to smuggle booze in... I'd say number one way is to not publicly talk about it in a recorded medium, about that being your intention. Well, look, you know what? If we've got fans at the fucking...

At the Curran Cove Resort, yeah. You know, great. Hey, great. Great. I look forward to being heavily frisked. Just crash tackled by someone in an aware t-shirt at the docks. Someone treating us like a cow, putting a big old glove and sticking their hand up our ass. Oh, yeah.

Just to find that goon bag. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I guess if people want to, you know, what do people want to hear about at the Curran Cove Resort? What, you know, what facilities should we partake in? If we're to be giving this place a review on the live app on the next day. We're definitely getting drunk. So I want to know how we get the booze in there. Okay.

You tell us how. Best way to smuggle in. Yep. It's almost like we need to kind of Air Force One style. We need to go on separate ferries. Because if we're both smuggling booze in in different ways, if we're together, if they bust one of us, presumably they're going to go, well, you must have stuff as well.

Right. Whereas if we go in separately, maybe we're more of a chance. I don't know. I think we just sit on opposite ends of the ferry and pretend not to know each other. I remember at the Meredith Music Festival last year, which for anyone outside of Melbourne or Australia is a music festival in regional Victoria that happens over like three days in December and you camp there.

And it's in the middle of nowhere. It's in the middle of nowhere. It's on a farm. So it's a farm that like during the rest of the year, there's just like, there's nothing there. Like the stage is kind of permanent. But like, so someone was telling me they knew someone who drove down there like a week or

so before the festival and just like buried all their drugs somewhere in the grounds and then like just got fucked and were like walking around trying to find this like patch of dirt that they had somehow marked. Wow. Yeah. So, I mean, I don't know. You know, we could just like get it. I don't know. There's something in that. Yeah. Maybe. Yeah. So, I mean, I don't know. You know, we could just like get a, I don't know, something in that. Yeah.

Maybe. Fuck, we should have, if we had known about this whole trip ages ago, we could have seen. Because we've heard from plenty of listeners who have actually been there. Oh. We could have just got someone to bury a six pack for us somewhere. You'd be, yeah. So, that's just us getting someone else to be the mule for us. Yes.

They smuggle it in. Yeah. Yeah. All right. All right. All right. Let us know. Let us know. Let us know how to get this booze in.

I'm not used to going to resort and paying more than $4 for a beer. Yeah. This is going to be gnarly stuff. So that's coming up. And then we've got the stand-up show in Hobart, still on sale on November the 23rd. We've also got the live podcast that night, which is sold out, so looking forward to seeing everyone down there in Hobart. Yep.

And, yeah, any Hobart tips for us? We're only there for 24 hours, but we need someone to go and have dinner and get drunk at night. God, we just sound like we've both got huge drinking problems. Well, it's rock and roll, baby. Yeah. That's how it works. Just a quick plug too

for my exhibition opening on November the 20th in Melbourne at 6pm at B-Side Gallery which is on Brunswick Street in Melbourne. The show is on for two weeks.

It ends on December the 1st. Lots of new artwork by me. Paintings and screen prints and drawings and stuff. Going to have a bunch of stuff for sale. Also the Nick Capa pop-up exhibition that is in the toilets of my exhibition. So yeah, that's going to be a lot of fun. And?

And what? And the pop-up. Oh, and then in a cubicle, a lewd drawing of me having sex with Roger Rabbit. Yeah, a number of. Another little exhibition. Yeah. So pop-up within a pop-up within a pop-up. Can I contribute to that exhibition?

Yeah. Great. Yeah. I'm in. I'm in. The dirty toilet wall pop-up. The disabled toilet pop-up exhibition of you getting fucked or fucking cartoon characters. Yeah.

Yeah. Great. Yeah. Maybe actually, yeah, maybe I could get a few commissions done for that. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Anyway, yeah, November 20th at 6 p. p.m is the opening so come down and check that out if you're in melbourne and uh yeah let's get into thanking some patrons yes uh of course patreon.com slash

little dum-dum club if you want to support the show and be an old-fashioned patron of the arts, of the dark arts. That's what we are. Of the arts whole. That's more appropriate, yeah. If you want to do that, get on there. Chuck in some shekels. You get, at the very least, a warm feeling in your soul. But if you want to be materialistic, like us, you will get a bonus Patreon episode and a bonus Patreon magazine that we make.

And of course, your name goes in the drawer, to being read out on the show itself. A veritable Hollywood walk of fame. Yeah. Immortalized digitally forever. Yes yes and no one can delete that no one can take that away from no that's like some people can you know protest on hollywood on sunset and vine and walk down with a hammer and just bash uh bash up the ground get rid of your star but no one could possibly ever wipe one of these fucked episodes off the internet. Well, even if they did, the way that you could spin it is, you know that guy who got hired on SNL and then they found all the dumb shit he'd said on podcasts

and so they kicked him off the show? Yeah. I loved his approach to that where he came out after they'd fired him and gone, you know what? I was funny enough to get hired by SNL and nothing can ever take that away. Like, you know, the episode may get deleted off the internet, but you know what? At the end of the day,

you gave enough money to the little dum-dum club to get read out on the podcast. Yeah. And nothing can ever change that. You're right. You could adopt that extremely flawed approach. Hey, I'm just trying to look out for our listeners that are presumably as fucked as that guy

from Ensign Hell. Yeah. It doesn't stand up to much questioning at all, that reasoning, but sure. Rigorous logic. Yeah. All right. And of course, as you know, you want to be part of that because you listen to that every week.

You listen to the hundreds, dozens, whatever it is of names, random number of names every week on the show. You could be one of them. You could be, I mean, you know, this could be the episode where we read out so many names we actually run out of names. Yeah, we do all of them. And we're desperate for new subscribers next week. Yeah, yeah, that'd be nice.

Well, that could definitely happen. You know, I don't know how long you've got, but... I've got all night. Have you? Yeah. I don't have that long, but we'll see. All right, well, let's crack in. Look, the earlier we start into this, the more chance we have of clocking the Patreon.

And again, I always enjoy picturing the listener at this juncture of the show, just excitedly rubbing their little bits together, wondering if they've listened to the episode. I think this was a great episode. Probably like, God, I hope I'm... I wonder if that... Have we talked about that before? I wonder if anyone ever listens to the episode and they're like,

didn't really care for that one too much. Bit of a dud this week. Right. I hope my name isn't attached to this one. Oh, right, right. I think some people will be listing, rubbing their hands together, listing for their lucky number to come up. It's sort of like sitting there watching the lottery draw but not as funny.

Right. Yeah. We're not as funny as the lottery draw, but not as funny. Right. Yeah. We're not as funny as the lottery draw. Yes. Right. That's my point. All right. Let's crack this open.

The big unplanned title alternator. Number one cab off the rank this week after hitting the big red button. Were, were, were. That's the names wearing around on the display. Whir, whir, whir. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what the words whir, whir, whir come up on the screen. That's sort of how I envision the sound effect if this was a cartoon.

Oh, okay, right. A comic book. Right. That's how it was. Of course, the technology is you don't hear anything whirring anymore. Right. In something this advanced. But if you were to draw it, say in our bonus magazine, I think that's the sound effect you would be putting on there. I'll keep that in mind for a future edition.

What a sweet callback that will be. I remember when they talked about that. Oh, wow, he did it. He actually did it. He must have had so many other ideas this month that he managed to shelve them all in order to get this one in. That's such a hidden little callback. What a...

A real Easter egg. Yeah, a real Easter egg. That's it. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Jack Mullen. Oh, I heard Jack and I thought, oh, here we go. He's back. He's back. Jack Mullen. Oh, I heard Jack and I thought, oh, here we go. He's back. He's back. Jack Mullen.

What a clunky last name. Mullen. M-O-L-L-A-N. Mullen. Oh, yuck. What? Why? Yeah.

Is there no, there should be some sort of, you know what, there should be some sort of advisory panel where in this day and age, no one has to have such a clunky surname. We get to this point. Why is it too short? Why go through just because your grandpappy and his grandpappy had this fucked up name? You know what? We've cured polio. Yeah. You know what?

We've cured polio. Well, you know, in the age to like, you know, we're in 2019 and there's such a big discussion now around people being able to use whatever kind of gender pronouns they want. You know, people are free to do that. People are doing that. People are like, you know, I don't conform to any kind of gender binary. Please call me they, them. And yet people are still walking around with shit names by choice. Yeah.

You know what I mean? That's funny. The idea of someone being like, I don't subscribe to any kind of gender. I want to be they, them. But if they still had a completely shit name. Yeah. It's like, why don't you change that? Yeah.

It's just as easy. Now, look, you know, I'm not having a crack at something that, I feel like I'm not having a crack at something you can control. It's just something out of this guy's control. I mean, Jack, big fan. I put my my opinion on the record about jack yep fan solid name traditional strong me too what are you doing nothing okay yeah jack great name. Yeah. Yeah. But come on, man. Let's get serious. Yeah.

Well, let's look at options for your last name. Mullen. So let's say he wanted to keep the general vibe. Yeah. But we just want to improve it. Yeah. Maybe this could be a new segment of the show. It's just like, you know, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. But...

Surname for the Patreon guy. Yeah, yeah. That's great. That's great. Surname for the Patreon guy. It's like perfect at the start and as clunky as Mullen at the end. So each episode starts with us. It's the Fab Two.

Trying to fix our own name. No, the Fab Two. So we're hanging out. It's you and me hanging out. And then it's like, you know, on Queer Eye where they sort of, they get kind of delivered the information about who they're going to. Right. You know, so we're watching a bit of background.

I haven't watched the new incarnation. Well, it's pretty much the same. It's the same sort of thought. You know, the show would often be, yeah, they, so then then you sort of see them they get in the van and they travel out there right and they got a van do they yeah yeah they and then they kind of you know they scooby doo style yeah yeah so they they didn't turn up they're like on the doorstep they're like and the person's often a bit surprised by their appearance right so that's us that's you know we're just like we just kind of get given a photo of this guy's license.

We're like, oh my God. And then we're in the van and we just like, we just go up to the line of McDonald's. No, we turn up. We don't even turn up. They're not waiting on the doorstep. We just turn up and see the mailbox with the name on it. We're like, fucking hell.

And we immediately drive the van into the mailbox in a great bit of symbolism. Yep, that's perfect. And by now we're up to the first ad break. We burn their mail because it's got their name on it. This is the magic of reality TV. You actually have to have very little content in there. So now we're at first ad break.

We'll be right back with more of Surname for the Patreon guy after this. But we literally have to work on our own TV show title because it's fucked. No, that's yeah, that's

maybe that's the season finale. Yeah. And it's as we always say on surname for the Patreon guy, do as we say

and not as we do. Well, you know, quite often in Queer queer eye it's like they that the fab five themselves find themselves learning a little bit about themselves from their subject right so maybe that's us at the end of every episode you know there's always like the emotional they really kind of deliberately tug at the heartstrings so it gets to the end and it's someone in tears you know we've crossed mollen off the licence and put my tiny dick off instead. And he's just so happy, like, you know,

his ex-wife's gotten back together with him. His kids are talking to him again. He's lost 20 kilos. His kid from Perth has finally let him back into his life. He's lost 20 kilos. Everything's, and he's like so emotional. He's like, the fab two, I can't thank you enough. But there's one thing I just got to say.

The name of this show is so fucked. Yeah, yeah. Is there any way thing I just got to say. The name of this show is so fucked. Yeah, yeah. Is there any way you would ever think of changing it? And then it's like voiceover from us. Like, you know, I think we actually learn as much from Jack as he learned from us. And as we drove away that day, we took it on board. And you see us driving away and Jack waving.

And then looking down at his mailbox and it's just got my tiny dick off on the newly printed on the mailbox. I've got to say I love the idea of these bits where we're driving into the mailbox. Opening titles, that's just so good. Just every week, the same thing. Smash! And then every now and then we find one of those houses where it's just like the mailbox is just like the letter slot built into the front door So then we're just having to drive into the front of someone's house

Knock the whole front door off its hinge Yeah, yeah Great Well, thanks Jack Thanks Jack And okay, solved Let's just do one this week It's not going to get any better

Yeah, yeah We've come up with a new show You're right Maybe surname for the Patreon guy. Is that just within Funny Fellas maybe? Oh. Yeah. I don't know.

No, that's not. I've kind of lost passion for Funny Fellas now that we've got this one on the table. Yeah, this is a real life thing. This is a normal thing we could do. Well, normal. Normal by our standards. By our cartoonish life that we live. Exactly.

It's very hard. Normal by our standards. By our cartoonish life that we live. Yes, exactly. It's very hard. How often do you have to explain what we do to people that are not in comedy? You know what the big one is every now and then when I'll have a rare occasion where I go on a date. And then it's like offhandedly like, oh, yeah, I have to go to Perth to do this or like mention like, oh, you know, I was in Thailand doing this. It's like, why were you there? And it's like, oh, doing shows.

Oh, what kind of shows? And then it's just all of a sudden it's like, I've got to come up with a fake story about my life. There's just so much explanation that has to happen. Great. That just makes me sound insane and kind of like a con man. Like I'm just making all these details up.

But, yeah, I think this TV show is a good idea moving forward. Great. I can't wait to green light it. Okay. You're in charge of green lighting now too. Yep. Great. On Dum Dum TV.

Nice. Yep. Unfortunately, we have no money to make it now too. Yep. Great. On Dum Dum TV. Nice. Yep. Unfortunately, we have no money to make it. Okay. Shame. Yeah. But if you, you know, like, we're not that far off normal TV. You know, we're happy to make it.

You just need to go and make it all yourself for like $5. For free. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool. Typical. I've always said it. The people that run Dum Dum TV are fucking idiots that don't know what they're doing.

Cowards, I would say. All right. Let've always said it. The people that run Dumb Dumb TV are fucking idiots that don't know what they're doing. Cowards, I would say. All right. Let's push the big red button. Let's push the big red suicide button right now. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Thomas. Whoa. Wait for it. Okay.

This might not be you. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Thomas. Fingers crossed. Thomas. I'm feeling good about this. Brugliera. Oh my God. Maybe it's Bruliera or something.

Thomas. B-R-U-G-L-I-E-R-A. Bruliera. Bruliera. Is that it-E-R-A. Brulia. Brulia. Is that it? Brulia. I think Brulia. Right.

Well, isn't that just... That's not too bad. Isn't that like... It's just Natalie Imbrulia, but with... Without the Im. Natalie Im. Yeah. Maybe she's been surnamed for the Patreon guy already.

That's her. Surname for the Patreon guy. I mean, this is Natalie right now. Wow. That would be cool if Natalie and Brulia subscribed to the show. That would be amazing. That would be really awesome. That would be amazing if...

I mean, we do have some people that we know that are of repute to subscribe, technically. Yeah. Some people very just charitably throw us a bone. Yep. I believe, I assume Willie Anderson still subscribes to one of the stars of this very episode. Maybe I should double check that before I go on.

In many ways, it's kind of, you know, it's good to have him, someone who subscribes to the Patreon, and then he's on this week's ep. It's kind of like an aspirational plug for anyone thinking about subscribing to the Patreon. You know, chip in, and one day you could be on the show. He's a Patreon subscriber made good. Yes.

He is. He still subscribes. Wonderful. Thank you, Will. Bet those emails of bonus content go unopened every month, though. Yeah. I don't know. He's such a consumer of all media.

That's true. I reckon, mate. Look, that could be where he draws the line in the sand, to be fair, though. Oh, totally. A guy that busy, I can't imagine he's clearing time in the schedule to read the little comic book that we put together. But I can't imagine. I can't believe he listens to this.

Yeah, that's true. But I guess it's like, it's a passive thing that you can like, you know, do on a walk or whatever. Right. Him actually sitting down to make time to go, hmm, what kind of 69 references have they made in this little PDF this month? Yeah. But hey, look, let's get back to Thomas. Let's. Brulia.

Natalie and Brulia in disguise. Yes. Nice try, Nat. Yeah. But hey, look, let's get back to Thomas Brulia Natalie and Brulia in disguise Yes Nice try, Nat Yeah Nice try, one of the hottest musicians Australia's ever produced Is she still making music? Is she still active? She lives in London, I'm pretty sure

I don't know if she's put out too many tunes lately Look her up on Apple Music and see what her last release was Yeah Remember when she was on, she's yet another out of the successful Neighbours stable of stars that have gone on to brighter and bigger things. Just like Margot Robbie. Yep. Very similar to Margot Robbie where I watched Neighbours and went, this woman is absolutely

stunning. Surely something else is going to happen. Really? Yeah. You reckon you can pick it? No, I reckon I picked those two, though. Okay. Because I was like, those two are just remarkably good looking.

Yeah, right. Like, surely there's better stuff than Ramsey Street. But, yeah, I remember Natalie Imbruglia. Like, she's just very, whatbruglia. She's just very... What would you say? She's just stunning. Yeah. Just classically beautiful.

I was just looking at her Apple Music page and I have to concur. I can't believe for someone that beautiful to be giving us money all with a slightly fake name. It's no offence to everyone else, but it's worth more. It's worth more? Her money is worth more because she's hot.

Yeah, hot dollars. No offence, Jack. Yeah. No offence, Jack, and your ugly-ass last name. Your absolute two of a last name. Yeah. Well, to be fair, Natalie's done the opposite and got a much worse first name, Tom.

Yeah. Whoa. Well, sorry. Whoa. No offence. Thomas. But you don't want to whack Tom

on the front of a beautiful lady's name and that's not going to make her any more attractive. No, that's true. But she's trying to throw us off the scent. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. And she almost would have gotten away with it had she not left 80% of her surname intact. It's almost the perfect crime. Yeah. It's just like a really bad murder mystery, isn't it? It's like, oh, well, I wiped off 5% of my fingerprints.

Yeah. The perfect crime. Yeah. How did you recognise me in my disguise, which is only fake eyebrows and nothing else? Which would be hard for Natalie Imbruglia because she's got quite heavy eyebrows, so she just would have put like fake eyebrows that were just the same, basically, over the top. Well, thanks, Natalie.

Has she been up to anything? Is she doing anything? The last thing she put out was in 2015 she put an album out. That's not that long ago, I guess. No. Yeah. But I never heard of that. Oh, hang on.

And here's a clue. The name of that album, Male, M-A-L-E. Oh. So this is like four years ago. She's hiding in plain sight with her intentions to subscribe to a podcast that at that stage doesn't have a Patreon yet and change her name to a male name.

God, wow. Honestly, I've got chills right now. I've got goosebumps. She is playing the long sting. Is that to say? Do you think we could get her on the show? Absolutely not When we were in London We couldn't get fucking anyone on

We had Ray Badron on Two or three times We had Nick Capper on three times We almost didn't have Ray Badron He thought his fly was going to get delayed Oh yeah that's right That would have been an interesting story For him to tell

Well thanks Natalie Thanks Nat Slash Tom Alright Thank you to Patreon subscriber That would have been an interesting story for him to tell. Well, thanks, Natalie. Thanks, Nat slash Tom. All right. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. If you thought I had trouble with that last one, you are going to think the same thing about this one. Some real gymnastics coming up, aren't they?

Thank you to Patreon subscriber Guangping Huang. I think you handled that very well. Thank you. I think you handled that better than you handle most Australian Anglo-Saxons. Yes. Yes. Jim Smith. S-M-I-T-H.

Smythe? Smitter? Guangping Huang Surname Guy for the Anyway Yep Guangping Hang

Huang Now Some good shit Thanks Guang Name number four We finally met our match I'm gonna say this Ping Oh boy Funny We finally met our match. I'm going to say this.

Ping. Oh, boy. Funny. Just funny. It is funny. Ping. Ping. Yeah.

As a name? Yes. Yeah. Funny name. Yeah, I agree. It's a sound effect. Ping. I don't think I can get into trouble for saying that.

Well, I know this much for sure. We're about to find out. Just like I said, just like that were that was happening before as the names went around on the Unplanned Title Alternator. Ping. It's just like that's another classic callback that you can work into one of your comic book stories in the bonus episode.

Boy. Yeah. Sure, I'll give it a try. Just whacking a guang and a huang as well. So what's a ping? A ping's probably like a, I would imagine like a, something small ricocheting off a hard surface. Yeah, like a coin bouncing off a wall or something.

Yeah. Yeah. So just like next comic you write and draw, just, you know, you've got that scene already, a coin bouncing off a hard surface. That's classic us. Right backwards. Yeah. You've got the best bit. Yeah.

Just right around that bit now. Because so often I'm like, I have the action and I'm struggling to think of the sound effect. Yeah. So this is actually a blessing. And sometimes the magazine comes out a bit late because, you know, it's all done. But, you know, you've just – someone's been hit in the head with a wet sponge and you're wondering what sort of sound effect that makes.

Yeah, sometimes we're in danger of sending out a silent magazine. Until I reach into my magic bag of Hollywood sound effects and just scatter them across the page. Yeah, until you have to ring up Industrial Light and Magic and go, what is the sound? You know what I might start doing in the magazine? I think it would be cool if, and I think every comic should do this,

as you, on the new page, over the page, there's just a little sound effect that just says, like, scrumpf, and that's the sound of you having just turned the page over. Oh, that's nice. That would be pretty cool. That would be a nice little touch. I don't mind that. I feel it would be underappreciated, but still.

Well, especially in a medium where I think most people are just scrolling down and on the screen. There are a couple of people who've messages to say they print it out. Oh, really? Sit down and read it old school, which I very much appreciate. That's fun. Yeah. Yeah.

A waste of ink. Yes. And paper. Killing the planet much appreciate. That's fun. Yeah. A waste of ink. Yes. And paper. Killing the planet. Yep. Cheers. Hey, what a way to go out. Yeah.

So, yeah, you can work that sound effect. So, I've got to work a ping and a whir. You've got that. You can work backwards from there. Okay. You know, they say traditionally, you know, in music that Americans in music, when they're playing, when they're jamming or just playing any sort of music, they say, how do we end?

English musicians say, how do we begin? But Tommy Daslow is like, I'm in the middle. Where do I go from here? Right. I'm going, what sound effects are happening? I've got a coin hitting a wall. Yeah. What now I've got I don't care I've got a coin hitting a wall Yeah What now

Yeah I don't care You work out Work it out how you work it out Doesn't matter to me Yeah What I care about is What sound does a fucking muffin make

When it falls onto the ground Yes Yeah Thanks Gwang Thanks Gwang Number four Number four. Number four?

We have to number four? I think so. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Rowan Gay. Rowan Gay. Spelt how? R-O-W-A-N. With a W? Yeah.

That is strange. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I think there's something... It's 2019. You can spell your name however you want. I've got to say, with a W, I'm used to an H. That's very closed-minded. I'm used to an H, and I think there's something a little bit queer about that spelling.

That is very closed-minded. Look, I grew up in the country where you could spell your name, Rowan, with a W, and people would yell out of the car and call you a freak and say you will never be allowed to get married. Right. And I was always like, no, one day we'll have a vote and you'll be proven wrong. And now there's a flashback happening right now. Yeah, you're right.

With old stubborn attitude, Neanderthal attitudes like that coming from you. I expected more. I've got to be honest. You're right. It is. I do have that rainbow alphabet stuck onto my front door signifying that, God, this is hard work. I thought we were doing all right.

I thought you were doing all right. I just ran out of steam. I thought you were doing all right. I just ran out of steam. I just felt like giving a bit of a wink and going, I know. I know. Yeah. I know it's not ideal.

Yeah. What is the... Yeah, look. Plenty going on there. Mm-hmm. Plenty. Plenty. I think this person is... Yeah, look, plenty going on there. I think this person is... I'm more keen hearing what this person has copped over the years. You want to hear about what they've copped over the years? Yes.

Yes, I do. And we're back, baby. We're back. Whether they've copped anything hard or fast or whatever. Yep. Where they were facing the right way to cop it or copped it on the chin. You mean like weird nicknames and stuff like that? Yeah.

Maybe names that they copped through a hole in the wall in a public bathroom. Yep. The traditional way of receiving abuse. Someone yelling through a hole in the wall in a bathroom. You're just sitting down to take a shit and then you notice there's like a tiny hole next to you. And then through that you hear and your name's Rowan remember you hear

row row row your boat use a H you cunt oh god wow well I hope people at school were a bit more

understanding of your name Rowan than what you've heard today. Some pretty school-level abuse of the name Rowan. I'm sorry. I apologize. We're a bit tired. I've had a couple of beers. We're a bit silly. We hear a very, you know, like an easy name to riff on like Rowan.

We get a bit carried away. School level abuse. It's nice of you to upgrade us like that. God, I love comedy. I hope to one day be able to perform it on this podcast. In time for the 500th episode, it'd be nice, wouldn't it? Just a few months to prepare. We've got six months to get out in front of a thousand people

and actually be slightly good at our job. That'd be great, wouldn't it? Surname I for the Patreon guy. I'm Rowan. You have to laugh. You really do have to laugh. It is a funny old world. It is a funny old life.

You wouldn't be dead for quids. I wouldn't be dead for quids. A saying I learned a week ago. Kill yourself for $5. No. Yeah. Refer to my framed favorite saying. Well, this has been going on for a while.

Yeah. You're right. This podcast. My life. Yeah. 33 years. What a fucking drag. Thanks, Rowan. Thanks, Rowan.

Thanks, Rowan. Yep. Yeah. We've got one more to go then, I think. I'm getting pretty tired. I've been out to dinner. I've had a couple of beers. Yep.

I've been out to dinner with my in-laws. They always complain I never, they think I don't drink alcohol. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. What made them think that? Well, because whenever i'm having uh a meal with them it's generally uh out at their house which is a little bit out yeah and it's lunchtime yeah and you know i'm driving and i'm like well what you know i just i don't want to i'm i'd be very rare of me to have one drink, one beer.

Because what's the point? Yeah. Yeah. I'm not drinking particularly for the taste of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, if it's a warm day or something like that. But no, I mean, with my in-laws, I'm not going to get smashed in front of them. Yeah.

So, but they're always like, have the beer, have it, have it. I've got, my mother-in-law is someone who really tries to foist food and drink on you. Yeah. And really, like, really takes over with the Italian stereotype of you have to do this, you have to do that. But it's like, you're barely Italian, to be honest. You're not really that Italian. Uh-oh.

Yeah. Right. So, you know, you were. Ease up. You were born in Malvern. Just relax. Just. Right. Let me So, you know, you were... Ease up. You were born in Malvern. Just relax. Right. Let me eat, you know, normal portions.

Don't... Where were her parents born? Italy. I guess so. Yeah. You'd hope so. Because I'm going as Italian and then there's no Italian for like four generations. Yeah, yeah.

At all. Yeah. It's like I'm English. Yeah. then there's no Italian for like four generations. At all. Yeah. It's like I'm English. Yeah. I mean, originally. Yeah. But it's been a long day. It's been a long night.

Yeah. I had a couple of drinks just to show off in front of her because we're out of dinner. Yeah. Like, look, I do. I do drink. Get maggot. Yeah. Start a fight.

Yeah. Isn't this what you wanted? Yeah. Of all the drinks I've knocked back over the years, I'm having them all tonight. Yeah. I was saving them. Now we're even. I'm faking them.

Yeah. Yeah. So I am... Fuck I'd. I do need to go home. Yeah. Well, let's just do two more and then call it a night. Oh, man.

I wish I had that much in me. Really? Yeah. Oh. I've probably got about 50% of that in me, to be honest. So half. Probably got about half, actually. Half of two. Yeah.

Okay. Well, I'm too tired to even do math. So you work out what number we should do and then we'll just do that. All right. I'll work it out after this one. Okay. After this last one. We'll do this and then work out how many more we've got left.

Yep. Okay. Push the button one more time. One more time, you think? Yeah. Oh, okay. What? I don't know.

I'm just reacting off something. Do you work out what half of two is? No, no, no, no. I haven't got time for that yet. Okay. We've had some interesting names this week, haven't we? This has been a pretty gangbuster week of names, I have to say. Yeah.

Some real doozies. If you had said to me at the start of Talking Dumb Dumb, what do you reckon the five names are going to be this week if we did five? I don't reckon I would have picked any of these. I wouldn't have picked any of these. Some weeks I'm pretty – I do like a list before you get here about the names that I think we're going to read out. Yeah.

And I think my lowest generally is like 80% correct. Really? I usually manage to get really all of them. They're pretty predictable. Predictive. This week. Right. You can see my list here.

It's next to me. Yeah. I'm not even close on any of them. Yeah. What's the first one you've got there? Rowan with an H, heterosexual. And you were way off with that one. Way off base.

Way off base. It's like I've written it in another language. You were almost completely wrong. Yeah. That is two opposites. Save for a couple of scant letters here and there. Yeah, yeah. Way off.

Way off. Yeah, okay. Well, let's see if you get one. So you've got four out of four wrong so far. Oh, right. Let's see if you get one right. Save myself. One face saver.

At least a shred of dignity in this one. Yeah. Look, I wouldn't say this one's super predictable, as in I've been a little bit startled already. But anyway, let's see. Thank you to Patreon subscriber, fifth for this week, I believe. Yep. Thank you to ComedyMyTinyDickoff.

Carl, look to my right. Look at the list. Are you seeing what I'm seeing? Rowan Hedgeson. No, below that. Under that, the fifth one under that. Comedy My Tiny Dick Off. He's done it again.

He's done it again. My God. The fab two have done it again. I cannot believe. Now, I thought when I saw that name, comedy as a name, I thought, well, he's not going to pick this one. Yeah. For fucking hell.

But that's often what I do is, you know, I have plenty where I'm like guessing, you know, James and then what I think is like a, you know, kind of like a common surname. Yeah. But then I always throw one in the mix. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's yeah completely random

you know you've got to have just a wild yeah yeah it's worth it's you know it's like a multi you know you want to pay off you get a few favorites and then a few maybe chuck in a 10 or a 50 to 1 in there make it interesting and that's what you've done and it's paid off and often when i was saying i'm usually only like 80 strike rate often what I've done is I've gotten all the other names and the fifth one I've put like Mr. Tragedy. Right. So I'm like super, it's embarrassing, super off base in previous weeks. I can't remember specifically what the one was that week.

Right. That I was so wrong about. Right. But anyway, my point being, you know, my point being, my point that I was making is that I love comedy. Right, okay. You love this person who subscribes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why wouldn't I love them?

They're giving me money. Yeah, well, love's a strong word, but okay, sure. You don't feel a deep, deep love for each and every person that puts in money to this? No, no, I don't. Not love. Love's a strong word, you know. You've got to save that for the special people. And by special people, I mean people that contribute $50 or more.

Well, yeah. I mean, I guess it's probably different for you because you've got a wife and child. So your day is filled with love of people that are in your life. People always say that about me. You're seeing every day. Yes. Yeah. Whereas me, I don't have those things in my life.

Yeah. So I'm looking for, I've got all this love. I've got such a big heart, Carl. Yes. And I'm just looking for somewhere to send all this love. Right. And for now, maybe one day I will have those things. At the moment, it's whoever gives you money.

Yeah. Yes. Maybe one day I will have those things. At the moment, it's whoever gives you money. Yes. It's just you in a street corner, someone chucking 50 cents into your guitar case and your dick just getting really hard. Rock hard, yes. That's what happens when I'm in love.

I have to be in love with the people in the videos in order for my dick to get hard. I love you. I love you Oh god Alright Thanks everyone Thanks for subscribing Thanks for supporting the show LittleDumbDumbClub.com

For links to all the live shows That we have coming up We will see you next week Thanks very much for listening We'll see you next time See you mate