The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 476 - Live! Mel Buttle, Nick Cody & Mike Goldstein

Episode Date: November 19, 2019

It's our first ever podcast on the Gold Coast! We're hot off a relaxing stint at the Couran Cove Resort (Tommy's prize for raising money for the Children's Cancer Institute) with MEL BUTTLE, NICK CODY and MIKE GOLDSTEIN! We talk through Karl's unconventional efforts of sneaking booze into the resort, Mel's schoolies experience plus her dating history with a famous Friend Of The Show, PLUS we dive into Nick Carr's evening with us at Couran Cove. HOBART! We're heading down for the first time for a live show in a small venue. November 23, 5pm.We've also added a stand-up show in the same venue at 3pm.MELBOURNE! Our 500th episode is on sale. It's going to be massive. April 25, 2020. 8:30pm. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode live from the Gold Coast with guests Nick Cody, Mel Buttle and Mike Goldstein. We are in Hobart this weekend. You can see us on Saturday, November the 23rd. Still some tickets left for the stand-up show. The year 2019. Sometimes people listen to things that are from the past. Yeah, that's true.

Just giving it a bit of context, Tommy. What's the latest that you think someone will be listening to this? The latest? Yeah. What's the last number there is? The year 999 million. The year 999 million. Okay, well, someone will be listening to that as everything collapses.

I can see those guys who've been dead for millions of years this weekend in Hobart. That's when everything's going to collapse because someone's going to go, fuck, we missed the Hobart show, and hit the big red button. What's the point? LittleDumbDumbClub.com for tickets to all of that stuff. We'll chat to you a little bit more at the end of the episode in a brand new edition of Talking Dumb Dumb. But until then, enjoy us live from

Schoolies Week 2019 with Nick Cody, Mel Buttle and Mike Goldstein. Hey mates, welcome once again into the little Dum Dum Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. With me as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day dickheads. Welcome class of 2019 to the first night of schoolies. You all look very fresh faced. Congratulations in finishing your exams. Let's have a good time. Let's be safe. Wow, you're looking at these people and saying they graduated something. Fucking good luck.

Someone was telling us on the way here that they're like, you know, I do comedy at Nobby's Ark, the venue that we're in on the Gold Coast. They're like, oh, I do comedy there every now and then. And Nobby's Ark has a real reputation for being a very attractive venue. Every time you do a gig there, it's always just full of 10s. Anyway, it's nice for the venue to have a night off from that. So I think we've got a cumulative 10 in here.

That's pretty good. Well, the audience not liking the jokes about them being shit. We'll change that up. No, man, who's here from the Gold Coast? Who's actually from the Gold Coast? Nice. Nice, yeah. So full respect to you.

I have bent slash broke my rules. I have gone the shorts on stage. So I just feel like it's appropriate to your people to try and blend in. So, man, I'm acclimatising really quickly. On the way here, honestly, I saw a guy wearing a black T-shirt and jeans. I was like, fuck these Melbourne cunts coming up here. He was hanging out near the tram too.

Yeah, he was. He actually was. Came out of a laneway. This is good stuff, I reckon. This is honestly pretty good stuff. This lady in the front, if your phone comes out, I'm going to assume it's an upskirt because we are both in extremely short shorts,

so try and control yourself. Well, Letterman really had it going when he made the theatre cold so the people would laugh more because the opposite of what's happening in this climate. Yeah, I kind of always thought it was mumbo-jumbo, but I'm starting to appreciate the science behind it. I get the science. Yeah, that's it. Are we okay? Are we all good?

Or are you just waiting for something good to be said? Is that the problem? Because I don't know if that's going to be fixed anytime soon, guys. So you might as well get into whatever we're fucking pushing out. Hey, we are up here because we went to Curran's Cove last night. We're all following that story. Out of all the stories we've had, it's one of the B stories I would have said. Has anyone been to Curran Cove before?

No. A couple of people. Good? Did you enjoy it? Right, okay. Well, when good meant something different? We kind of went because people told us it was going to be really bad. That's all we had was people messaging us during the week like, this place is shit, you're really in for a bad one, boys.

I've been honestly dreading it. Just hating the thought of going and doing it. It's the only reason we're here. We thought we'll have such a shit time, we'll have something to talk about, but it was good, the end. So, yeah, what do you want to say so we fly up yesterday the plan was

we get in to the Gold Coast at 11 then we were going to be on a 1.30 ferry out to Cooran Cove that's right we missed that ferry because

what happened we were at the airport I'm up here with my family and someone not me by the way his actual family my Australian family yeah and someone took Not me, by the way. His actual family. My Australian family. And someone

took my wife's luggage and just fucked off with it. So we had to hang around and wait. But because they'd picked up the wrong bag and just left their bag, which had their number on it. So then we just rang and went, bring back my fucking bag, cunt. And that lovely young

oriental lady came back with it. Hey, we just went past the thing. There's a place just a block away called Oriental Food. I'm allowed to say that. I'm trying to speak your language. You're like, I didn't invent the word. I'm just using it. I'm just acclimatising, all right?

I'm just using it. I'm just acclimatising, all right? I'm you. So did you see Oriental Woman with a bag that's identical to your wife's bag? You're like, the life I could be having. So close. This time last week, that's who you were. Yeah, right, right. That's not true. None of that happens. All right, well, we've found the tone, that's good to know

We've worked out what they're into So yeah, we end up getting into Cooran Cove at about 4 in the afternoon And a big running threat of us staying there Well, we got an Uber there We got an Uber to the ferry We got an Uber to the ferry, but by the time we get to Cooran Cove itself It's 4 in the afternoon Yeah, we get there late in the afternoon

A running threat of this had been That they're very strict about how you can't bring in any alcohol We've got a little bit of the ferry, but by the time we get to Cooran Cove itself, it's four in the afternoon. Yeah, we get there late in the afternoon. A running thread of this had been that they're very strict about how you can't bring in any alcohol from the outside. Now, we assumed, if you're going to put that out, we assumed that there'd be pretty strict scanning of our back. Like, I thought we were going to get full cavity search when we get on the ferry. That's what every... As soon as we talked about it, we didn't know anything about it. Like, you guys were hitting stuff going, it is a licensed island.

You're not allowed to bring your own stuff in you've got to buy their stuff so we're just going off you guys yeah and listening to you guys a listener messaged us and said oh boys i was actually there for a wedding last weekend i should have buried a bottle of vodka in the sand for you like honestly that would have been fucking sick i was talking to a friend about how to sneak alcohol into stuff and they were saying um what they would do when they go to a music festival when they were younger and some people may have done this. You get a loaf of bread and you hollow out the loaf of bread

and you put a bottle of spirits inside the loaf of bread and then if your stuff gets searched the security guard just goes, ah, it's just a loaf of bread. Which I have to wonder, don't they worry about the density and the heaviness of the loaf of bread that they're holding up? And also just who's bringing bread into a festival?

Finally that vodka was surrounded by bread. It was a shot sandwich. So look I took it literally and snuck some in. They did not check us at all. They didn't touch our bags.

They didn't ask us any questions. So I just got into the hotel room and to Tommy just pulled out. I had a sandwich bag, sandwich bag, plastic Ziploc bag full of vodka. I had it down my pants. Yeah. In the car keys compartment, so to speak. Seriously, and I didn't tell you this, Tommy, so all the way over, just so you

guys know, so if you ever go through this in the future, those Ziploc bags, they aren't really leak-proof. Is that a claim that they ever make? Hey, this sandwich bag doubles as a great compartment for liquid if you're ever self-inclined. But why have the lock?

Why call something a lock? It's a lock, but you can get into it easy. You don't need a key, but it's a lock. So you're sitting on this ferry. The ferry takes about half an hour. What, vodka is just leaking down your ass crack? I was looking at you saying if you were noticing, but I was moving.

You were getting drunk because it's getting into your bloodstream so quickly. There was very visible patches all happening through my pants as we're going all the way over. And so then we get all the way through, we're safe, we're in the hotel room and I go, hey Tommy, look at this, let's have a shot. Pull it out of the back of my pants. Yeah, this leaking sandwich bag full of vodka. And then we don't do anything about it until Nick Carr comes at night.

I don't tell him anything about it and then I serve it to him and he drinks that. And nice. So I also, so I had a few plans. Absolute dumb cunt. I had the Ziploc bag full of vodka that was up my arse. I had a Ziploc bag full of vodka that was in my toiletries bag, which absolutely leaked all the way through. And now everything in my bag is full of vodka that was in my toiletries bag, which absolutely leaked all the way through, and now everything in my bag is full of vodka.

Right. Just brushing your teeth. Yeah. Getting fucked out of your mind. Yeah. Right. And what did you have in the dick hole? No.

I had a plastic water bottle full of vodka in my luggage, which also is not leak-proof either. Right. There's so much vodka you've got on you. Are things okay at home? Man, honestly, this shirt, this literal shirt, is soaked in vodka from last night. Yeah.

Yeah, so I am wearing about probably 200 millilitres right now of vodka. If Fiona O'Loughlin is here, she would be licking my shirt. Just the idea of us being in Surfers Paradise, day one of school, he's a 40-year-old man walking down Cavill Avenue like, hey, ladies, you don't have an ID, you can't get booze, I've got some vodka in my arsehole that you're welcome to have it.

I hear eating arse is popular with the kids at the moment. Kill two birds with one stone. Yeah, how about drinking arse? But, yeah, that was the thing. We get to Cooran Cove and it's, like, actually just really nice. Like, we step into the room And we're like Well this has been a waste

Of a trip for content Like it's just us Sitting there having a good evening We're like How fucking boring is this Yeah so we sneak that in Then we get told All the drinks are like

Super expensive So that's why you should Sneak all the stuff in They're just normal bar prices But then because we've been Talking about Then a listener from Adelaide Nick from Adelaide

Then rings the venue And like shouts us drinks over the phone. And so this venue are then going, what the fuck's happening? No, but it's made worse by the fact that he has gone, there's these boys here, I want to buy them drinks. He specifies the drink. He's like, I want to buy them a bottle of champagne. Carl gets wind of it and goes, I'm not drinking fucking champagne.

So as if it's not weird enough for the venue, they've then got this guy who's on the receiving end of it going, no champagne, just beer, just beer. And then it ends up being like, well, three pints of beer isn't going to be enough of the amount that he gave us. So then I go through the venue and I'm like, what can we, it was like mixed lollies. I was like, what else can we get with what we've got left?

And so we could nearly get garlic bread. So I said, if I can get garlic bread and I'll put in an extra 50 cents, and they go, you can fucking have it, mate. Nah, champagne, that's too fancy for us. We'll just have three pints and a garlic bread, thanks. We keep it real. We're men of the people.

We literally did smuggling drinks from Adelaide, in a way, in the end. So we didn't pay for them. So, did you get through all the vodka that you brought in with you? Because that's the funny thing. Then we get there and at the bar they actually have your favourite beer. Yeah. And you didn't have to drink it out of any kind of orifice.

Yeah. Just straight from the tap. Pretty traditional if you ask me. It's like we were back home. God, boring. I can do that any day. No, I think we got through most of it. I think our guest maybe, Nick Carr, who stayed with us overnight, I think we got through most of it. I think our guest, maybe, Nick Carr, who stayed with us

overnight, I think he got through the majority of it. The stuff I didn't want to... I don't really want to drink stuff out of myself. So he took care of the rest of it, I believe. Really? You'd find it... You wouldn't be happy to, like... It's your own arse. Like, who cares? Would you drink stuff out of your own arse?

Probably. Prove it. Prove it.se? Probably. Prove it. Prove it. Prove it. Prove it. Just this venue like, what the fuck have we signed up for? We thought the schoolies crowd was bad. That was nothing.

Should we get our first guest out here? Let's get our first guest out. Folks, please welcome back... Hang on, are we introducing pizza? Folks, you've heard him on the show before. Please welcome Capricciosa. All right, folks, give it up. Welcome to the stage, Nick Cody.

G'day, mates. What's going on? Not much. Do a little turnaround here. Oh, wow, some real radio stagecraft. Nice. Do you little turnaround here. Oh, wow, some real radio stagecraft. Nice. Do you do that on radio? Do you announce where you're currently at in the physical space?

Guys, I'm sitting on a seat. What's the secret sound? I'm twisted up. 1-triple-3-5-3. I'll never forget that number. Is that your number? 1-triple-3-5-3. Is that the Brisbane number?

No, that's triple M everywhere. And I know this because the other week I was in Brisbane, I left my key to get in. What do you mean the other week you were in Brisbane? You live in Brisbane because you do Brisbane radio. I'm a man of the world. And by world I mean Thailand, Melbourne and Brisbane. Me too, except for Brisbane. And Melbourne.

Brisbane. Me too, except for Brisbane. And Melbourne. I left my key card in my bag and had to call up. I got to the bottom of the building. We were having an event at Triple M. I couldn't get into the building. And I thought, fuck, who do I call?

I know exactly who to call. 1-3-3-3-5-3. That's who you call if you want to get in touch. but it just went through to Melbourne because Kennedy Malloy was on and I had no idea that my mobile number, because I work for Triple M, is in a system. So the guy just answered, Nick Cody, why are you calling us here at Triple M? And I said, I'm at the bottom of the building, can you let me up?

And he said, I'm in Melbourne, cunt. No. That was Mick Malloy on air. It was a pretty loose show. What's the secret sound? It's me banging on the front door, cunt. Let me in. Cody, we were trying to get you to come hang out with us

yesterday at Cooran Cove, but you were otherwise occupied. I was. Well, fuck the weather, you know, being in Melbourne. The weather is perfect, and I thought I'm down here on the Goldie for a couple of days. What better thing to do than spend eight hours inside the Star Casino? Right, OK.

Well, that's good, because we don't have stuff like that back home. No, we don't have a cast. No. I don't think you can gamble in Melbourne, but I gave it a crack. It was fucking good fun. What's it like, the Star Casino? The Star Casino is very good, because it used to be Jupiter's, which is one of the worst places ever.

Why so bad? Jupiter's was shit. I think we could all agree. Jupiter's was... Nobody here is like, bring Jupiter's back! Jupiter's was no good as a casino. But it's the same space though? It's the same building? I don't know what they've done, but they've gutted it out.

It is the same building. They've gutted it out and they've fixed it up a bit. It's very nice all right so what's so nice about it what do you like well it's just a bit more schmick right than the than jupiter's was okay that's weird though because the name is a downgrade it went from a planet to just a star yeah oh made it better time to like not put on ears with the name how's that a downgrade well because it's you know it's like not a full it was a planet and now it's just an unnamed you know that How's that a downgrade? Well, because it's, you know, it's like not a full, it was a planet and now it's just an unnamed star.

You know that a star is bigger than a planet, right? I actually do not. I would have thought that was obvious. And also, you know the sun. The sun is a star.

Yeah. Whoa. Fuck off, give us, let sand light me up, you dog. Fuck. I'm here to celebrate school being over,

not do more learning, okay? Imagine, Dassler came to the Gold Coast and learnt something. Fucking hell. Learned about science at the Gold Coast. The only thing that annoys me about the star, though, is that their slogan is, You're welcome. Which I read as,

We took all your money, cunt. You're welcome. Yeah, right. I don't think that's a very nice thing for a casino to have. So you were in the casino for what seven hours? I was in there for seven hours yesterday.

Would you come out on top or? I did come out on top a fair bit. Oh really? Yeah. $450 bucks up which was $600 but on the way out

I went you know what I'm going to roulette and it turns out roulette is better at roulette than I am at roulette. Because at one point we were going back and forth and you texted me going

was $250 down now I'm $450 up and then whoops wrong number yeah I messaged my son that he can't read yet

but one day he'll get a phone and go fucking dad was nailing it he should have been looking after me but instead so what's funny about

hey dad what's beer a planet or a star what's funny about the star Hey, Dad, what's beer? A planet or a star? What's funny about the star casino is that you were in there for eight hours not seeing the sun, which is a star. Carl, what do you think of that one? Nice.

This guy gets it. Not as funny as when I was saying something completely factually inaccurate. I've all said this about the casino, and I don't like to stereotype, but women can't play card games. Chip-a-lam! Has your miss-o ever made a complete cunt of herself trying to play poker?

Give us a call. Drunk white chicks at a poker table, they just come up and go, how's it all? What do we even do? And there's just a group of people going, we are trying to beat each other for money. This is not a time to describe how a card game works. They're like, I got a seven and an ace.

Is that good? You're like, get the fuck out. So it was just a fun day. Real fun day at the cast there. Congratulations. Congratulations. By the way, has anybody here got bad schoolies? Did you do a schoolies, Carl? I didn't, no. I don't think it was really

a thing back then. Oh, no. No. You didn't all hop on your penny farthings and... Drink some moonshine? What did you do in Werribee? Stop stabbing cunts for one second? You're welcome. Oh, stars.

Rip that off you. We went up. My mates and I couldn't afford to come to the Gold Coast, so we drove two cars up to the Murray River. Oh, really? Yeah, the Murray River, the state border for New South Wales and Victoria. We were camping there,

and my mate brought up his new... Fuck, what did he have? He had a Nissan Skyline GT, and we were camping a kilometre and a half into sand trails and we all know a Skyline GT is designed for the sand. Take your land

cruiser and fucking hit the bricks. What I need is a Japanese twin turbo automobile. I mean me and Tommy are with you we know. No he's got a canary yellow skyline. Like a skyline. Like he had a blow-off valve. Fast and furious.

I haven't seen it. I don't know. Is it a star or a planet? It's a skyline. Both. Okay. I'm on board. I understand.

There's a lot of stuff in the air. The third morning, a mate of ours who didn't have a licence at the time, loser. Reminds me of someone else. Our mate let him drive the car to the shops. It was a K and a half drive. Can't fuck it up. Even though we're all blind, you can't fuck it up.

We overtook. There was a vehicle in front of us and he said, this is taking too long. I'm going to overtake it. It turns out that vehicle was a steamroller whose job was there to pack down the sand to make the road more drivable on he's overtaken that, gone and floored around

the corner, we went down a ditch into a tree and it took three tractors to pull the car apart from the tree and they told me, you're in the back seat you run off, don't tell the cops you were here. Schoolies.

Yeah you seem you and your friends seem to have had a weird idea about what schoolies is. We're camping in the middle of nowhere away from the shops. It's not family Easter

you fucking idiot. I did mix them up that year. On Easter I was like mum, dad here's some Ekkies don't take them all at once. Hit them in that year. On Easter, I was like, Mum, Dad, here's some Ekkies. Don't take them all at once. Hit them in the garden. Alright, let's get our next guest out here.

Folks, please welcome back into the Little Dumb Dumb Club, Mel Buttle! I imagine, Buttle, I'm picturing a mental schoolies week experience. Let's wait another minute or two until she gets here please. Yeah let's talk about her more while she just doesn't have a way to reply. Sorry, huge room couldn't make my way forward. Just before

we get into it, I want to say Tommy I like what you've done. I think you've really got into fashion since I last saw you. Thank you Mel. I thought he'd got into fashion since I last saw you. Oh, thank you, Mel. I thought he'd gone colourblind since I last saw him. I thought he was warming up for a ball boy at the Australian Open. That's what I thought was happening. Ignore them.

You look really cool and girls are going to be like, yeah, I get it. Tie-dye top and blue Adidas shorts. I'm like, who is this hippie speed dealer? What an incredible mix of human. Me hanging out on Cavill Avenue later like, you kids into the Grateful Dead or what? Carl.

Yes. Good to see you. Nicholas, I like your shorts. Oh, okay. Thank you. Insinuates that my shorts aren't good enough. No, they're not, no. What did you do for schoolies, Mel?

Got fingered for the first time. She was staying by herself in a tent. She absolutely schooled herself. Yeah, I didn't like it. I didn't go back for any more or any roots for ages after that. It wasn't very good. And now I realise, right, the person, there was a bloke back in these days, the bloke who did it, I think it was his first time fingering

because he didn't know what he did either. He just, like, put it in and left it there. All right. And I was like, yep. Okay, oh, that's it, is it? Okay, yeah. So you know when you're hanging out, it's like, how long do, oh, that's it, is it? Okay, yeah. So you know when you're hanging out, it's like how long do we do, when does stuff start happening?

I was like, when am I going to do a cum? Set the egg timer, let's go. Yeah, so and then I went back and told my mates, I was like, it's not that good, don't worry about it, it's shit. Yeah, so got fingered. What else happened to us? Oh, there's more. There's more.

Wow. I made up a punch with all the alcohol in the apartment and my mates got mad at me because it didn't taste very good because I didn't understand that Bailey's was, like, creamy. Oh, no. Love it. Oh, yeah. Love it.

Give me that alcoholic milky apple juice. So I just, I literally tipped like all, like we only had like maybe five bottles of booze and I just tipped them all into a big bowl and then I did the Bailey's last and I knew I'd made a mistake but I was like, no, it's like, it's a mudslide. So yeah, got yelled at for that. Got sort of ostracised from a friendship group

and whatever, don't need friends. Did the bad fingering come after this? Maybe that was punishment for the awful punishment you made. Yeah, that was after that, actually. Oh, right. We've got to teach this girl a lesson. I don't know. I don't know.

Schoolies, it was not too bad. It was here on the Gold Coast, obviously. I stayed at the Islander, which has been refurbed, if you are a Gold Coast local. Some lady is very put off by the mention of that resort. Did you get fingered there as well? Did you finger Mel?

Was that you? No, I know who fingered me. It was a guy Officer. I know who fingered me. He went to Churchy, the Brisbane Boys School. Yeah, boo! Yeah, fucking poor thing.

Oh, bad fingerers. What do they teach there? Must have gotten a bad enter score on fingering by the sounds of it. So an all-boys' school boy and an all-girls' school girl came together to try and make each other cum, and it was like, nah, nah. Let's get some state schools in here. Can I ask you, this isn't very schoolies, which is fine, but it is apropos what you were talking about before,

being with a boy. I've heard this. Did you once go on a date with Ronnie Chang? Oh, sort of. But Ronnie would never... I don't know. You know when you don't know where you are? Like, we were just hanging out a lot, yeah.

And I think it might have been... Did you get a finger off? No. Fucking hell. Thank you. Did you finger him? No, I think we're... I think Ronnie and I were starting to maybe date, right?

Because we did a survey on me. Hang on, hang on, hang on. Let's start that again. So we're at the Comedy Store and we're hanging out a lot, right on, hang on. Let's start that again. So we're at the Comedy Store and we're hanging out a lot, right? Right, right. You're at the Comedy Store. You and Ronnie Chang are hanging out. We've been hanging out like a few times a week.

No kissing or anything. Nothing like that. You know why? Just as mates. I know why. No, Ronnie didn't make a move because he looked at you with his Terminator eyes and he went like 86% lesbian. Do not go in for a move.

True, true. He might have seen something coming in my future. So he wasn't drinking at this stage, but I think he had like a quarter of a beer, and then he goes, okay, Mel, so how is your uterus? Does it work? Wow. Wow.

He goes, any menstrual irregularities? So this is his survey? This is the survey he did verbally. And I was like, no, I think it's fine. He goes, yeah, have you ever done any drugs intravenously? And I said, no. Hey, this is before he made it, right? This is way before he made it, yeah.

The movie Crazy Asians doesn't quite sound as good. Crazy Rich Asians is much better than him. Yeah, Asperger's Asians, not as catchy. Crazy Rich Rain Man. So I know that Ronnie doesn't like germs very much. He's a bit of a germaphobe. And I've probably told this story on the podcast previously where I had a bit of pie on my face at the end of a night out at Pie Face.

And... I know, it writes itself. Barry Award coming my way. And a drunk man that wasn't Ronnie, just a punter in Pie Face, walks past and licks the pie off my face. And Ronnie's like, you're let that happen, oh my god now. And Ronnie was like trying to find napkins and putting like

dettiles away. And I was like, I don't care. He gives a fuck. He's just gone. It's a piece of bum. And Ronnie was like shutting down interest. Oh really? That ruined it. And then he didn't seem to want to come and hang out. Wow, so if that man hadn't licked that pie off your face,

you could be Mrs. Chang. Melinda Chang. I don't know. I don't know. You know when you're hanging out and you don't know what it is or whatever? It was like that bit. It wasn't like there was no spoonching or rooting or whatever. But he did tell me.

What, not even after the uterus question? No, no, no. But he told me he was really good at sex. Ron was like, I know I'm good at sex. Oh, yes! Yes! All right, that'll do. End of show.

Who cares what happens now? We've got what we came for. Did he go in any specifics? How does he know he's good at sex? I don't... Because of all the surveys. Right, right, right, right. This is the point where, this was years ago,

it was like, he was very new. He was on a break. Hannah, I think, his now wife had broken up with him because he wasn't making enough money at a comedy. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, this is ruthless. Fuck.

When I'm cringing, this is bad. Yeah. Brutal. Yep, anyway, they're together now. Hey, good news for the crowd here. You guys get to hear that because no listener online will. Yeah. No, I'm leaving it in.

No, I'm leaving it in. Fuck him, it's going in. And yeah, so he was, I's going in. And, yeah, so he was... I don't know. He came back to my... where they put you up, some apartment in Sydney, and he, like, just inspected all the rooms, and I thought, oh, this is it.

We're going to, like, finally, like, smooch. And then he just, like, left. So the beds weren't... didn't meet his high standard for the room? I don't think so. He came in and, like, looked in, like, every bedroom, every kitchen. No wavy cat? He goes, there's no good luck here. I don't think so. He came in and looked in every bedroom, every kitchen. No wavy cat. He goes, there's no good luck here. I've got to go.

If you don't laugh on that, that's on you guys. Come on. That's great. You're fucking racist here on the Gold Coast. Someone pop that shit. It literally means good luck, the wavy cat. That's on you. Yeah, that would have killed it 18 degrees. Roots Melman comes out

and he's like high-fiving the wavy cat. You know what? Just after he started to get bigger, I went through his Facebook. And before he was in comedy, I just found this video of him drunk in a pub. And being like over the... Because he can't drink. And he was like really drunk. And he was like...

Trying to sing. And I just liked it. I put a comment, went, nice work, Ronnie. And then he instantly deleted it, and he sends me a message, and I thought he was going to be furious. And the message was literally, thank you for exposing the hole in the wall of my security car. Yeah, he would be thankful for that.

Yeah, so, yeah. What would rooting him be like? He'd be counting the thrusts for one 52 That is technically good enough on average Oh yeah he'd know the exact pump Where he comes every time I'm at 40 so I'm getting close

I have 5 more left You do what you want But if you want to come at the same time I would start to think about making that happen. You have five pumps to go. Just letting you know. Three, two, one. Mission complete.

I'm about to come. I am coming. I have come. I'll be back. Oh, you didn't come? You stupid fucking idiot. The sperminator. Very good. How did we get on to rooting Ronnie? Purely because I wanted to know for years.

Bad fingering at school, he set you on a path towards almost rooting Ronnie Chang. To not being fingered by Ronnie Chang. To being the way better sliding doors than the one with Gwyneth Paltrow. That would have been awesome. Oh, thank you. Do you ever think about what could have been? With Ronald? Yeah. With that money, you bet I do, yeah.

I could be in New York right now, not here. You got a new house? You moved into a new house yesterday? Yep. Great house. That's good. You got a house? Got a fridge? Yep. Don't have a fridge. It's not arrived. It's Queensland. Don't worry about it. Yeah, yeah. It'll just stay cold outside. Yeah, yeah.

Just put the milk on the doorstep. Sorted. 38 degrees. Yeah, look, I have bought a house, which means that I needed someone to move into my room in the old house that I was renting. Yep. And Nick Carr is who's here, up the back, eating a pizza there. Yep. And Nick Carr is up the back eating a pizza there.

Were you with roommates? I was with Roy and Sim, an open mic in Brisbane, some of you might know. And yes, so now Nick is going to take that room. And Nick was meant to move in this weekend, but he seems, as you can see, he's flat out. And how would he ever find the time? He was flat out drinking out of my arsehole last night, so yeah.

So my former housemate is like, if you see Nick down there, just follow up. Is he definitely going to pay the rent for this week? Does he have his bed with him by any chance? Is he ready to move in today? Yes, so Ryan wants his money, Nick. Just FYI. Oh, no.

Uh-oh. Back to Curran Cove on the run. Yeah. But my new house isn't like, yeah, if I was with Ronnie Chang, I would not be buying this house. It is in Red Bank, if you know. What does that mean? What does that mean for us?

It's western suburbs of Brisbane. Yeah. Right. Which is the same us? It's western suburbs of Brisbane. Yeah. Right. Which is the same as Melbourne. Western suburbs of anything. Yeah, sure. Further away from the beach, not gooder.

Right. That's right, yeah. Closer to Toowoomba, probably. Right, okay. But it's... Look, it's a great place and I've bought it. And last night, a man with no shirt on, on a BMX bike, rode past my house.

I'm sorry, I was shitted fingering. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. I'm trying to make it up to you, though. He's a mono. It's kind of the hood. It's sort of the kind of place where, for no reason, I don't get this, people just have like a little party on their driveway in front lawn

at like one o'clock on a Tuesday. Right, right. You know when you just drive past a house and you go, adults shouldn't be sitting on a driveway at this time. Yeah. But they are. So that's, you know, and I'm going to fix it. I'm going to gentrify my fucking self if I have to.

Love it. Yeah. Great. Yeah, thank you. It's very cheap out there. I'm not going to show off because it's not showing off, but my mortgage is $250 a week. Take that, Melbourne.

Nice work. We've been put in our place. Yeah, you've been shown. Let's get our next guest out here. Folks, please welcome back into the little dum-dum club, Mike Goldstein! Gabriel analysis himself. That's right. One mention of money in a Jewish man back into the little dumb dumb club, Mike Goldstein! Gabriel analysis himself. That's right. One mention of money and a Jewish man appears. Oh, Jesus!

Heidel, deidel, everybody. I could have gotten it for you for $2.40 now. This is great. I actually got fingered at schoolies as well, So this is... Thanks for having me. And you've sucked off Trevor Noah.

Oh, yeah. So many links to stories. This is good to be here. I feel weird as the only dude not in shorts. And you guys all look like pedophiles on holiday. This is... Thanks, man. That's nicer than I thought you were going to be.

What do pedophiles at work look like? Well, they're in a clergy outfit type deal. That's nicer than I thought you were going to be. What do pedophiles at work look like? Well, they're in a clergy outfit type deal. That's great. Thank you. All right, see you guys. A 15-year-old boy coming up trying to fuck you, you're like, please, I'm off duty. I'm trying to have a good time with my family.

I'm trying to relax, so I'm going to fuck a 50-year-old. Off-duty pedophile is fucking fucking great They make the announcement on a flight Something happens, there's a child by themselves Is there any off duty pedophiles here? I knew the guy watching Dora Explorer wasn't right Dora Explorer. Dora the Explorer. Right.

It sounded like you thought Explorer was just her last name. Her surname, yeah. Which would be cooler. Yeah, yeah. Roll call. Explorer. Explorer. Dora.

You didn't have a school list, did you? No, no, no. I went to high school in America, so when I graduated, I was just happy to not be shot, I think. We made it. Yeah, I got through. Then you went on your kibbutz in Israel. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Straight to the kibbutz. Yeah, fucking with my circumcised little dick. I don't know. There we go. We've covered it all, I think. This guy gets it. He knows what it's about. Did you do any kind of, like, I don't know. There we go. We've covered it all, I think. This guy gets it. He knows what it's about. Did you do any kind of like, I don't know, spring break or any of that kind of stuff?

Yeah, spring break in Mexico, which was, yeah, very, very different. Good to get away from the danger of America. Yeah. So we survived that. And then, yeah, and I've been riddled with STDs ever since. Nice. Yeah, it's good. I was on the Goldie a few years ago for gigs when it was schoolies week

and I saw some kids in the gym at the hotel who were wearing University of Northern Territory, University of Darwin t-shirts and I was like, guys, I've been to Darwin before, there's no University of Darwin. What's going on? And one of the blokes went, thank you, to the next round. He said, no, no, no, there's not a University

of Darwin, but we just found out there's a group of 200 girls here at Schoolies that are in a pact and they're trying to fuck one guy from every state first. And my God. And we heard about this, got these T-shirts printed and there's nobody else here

from the Northern Territory. Oh, shit. So it was still the University of D. So, uh... That one sucked. I feel like we're having a lot more fun up here than you guys are. Yeah, we've travelled further.

That's fair. We got a plane to get here. We should be enjoying this more. You guys just drove down the street. Who cares? All right? Yep. But you've been here,

you've been on the Gold Coast for like a week now. I've been here all week doing the gigs. You've been sharing a house with a... With a juggler. I've been sharing a house with a juggler, so my life is right where I want it to be. And he's a man of many talents. He was practicing magic in the lounge room

at 8 a.m. the other day and he's a good magician because I fucking disappeared. And all week he did the Avenue, Surfer's Paradise, yeah? And he was there. And there's a mural of a mermaid with her

tits out, right? Behind him and some guy in the back goes, oh, he's blocking the fucking mermaid. Go Caves! Perfect. So he's doing juggling at these comedy gigs that you're doing with him? Every gig, yeah. He was hosting and he would do, yeah do about 15 minutes of juggling up the top

He talks, he does comedy Yeah, he's got a little harness He puts his microphone in And then he fucking juggles He's got jokes That's the opposite of bling Like a rapper's bling The polar opposite is a necklace you put a microphone on

so you can juggle. I'm yet to see that in a Drake video. Yeah, so a lot of juggling, a lot of magic, and yeah, a lot of good times at Gold Coast. It's been great. You seem like you're in a personal low, Mike. No, no, no, I'm good. I'm good, you know, just walk on to some anti-Semitism.

It's perfect. We've had a similar thing. We stayed with Nick Carr last night. Yeah, cool. For people that don't know the backstory, Tommy Dassler, you won a weekend away at the Gold Coast at a resort

because you raised $10,000 for children's cancer. Yes, yep. You're right not to applaud. Yeah, fuck them. Some people in here probably donated. We put it out on the podcast. A lot of listeners put in money. Very generous, very kind.

So the listeners put in money and you got the fucking holiday. Please run me through this. Yeah, that's great. I don't get the money though. No, that's true. I won a holiday for raising money for kids like me who have cancer. Little victims who just keep bringing it up. What's happening there?

I don't know. We got drinks delivered. I love how, as a recent Queensland convert, I'm getting a sense of some fucking rumbos here. Yes. Are these some fucking black rats? A bit of karate juice for the gang? Someone just gave us five drinks.

No, I know what it is because I talked about this on the show last week. It's ouzo and coke. Yeah, baby. Thank you to whichever big old malacca bought this round of ouzo and cokes. That's so good. All right. What a drink.

I love that. You know what makes coke better? Dipping licorice in it. Delicious. God, it's rank. I fucking love it. But you guys, you've done the Opera House before, right? You got the Athenaeum coming up.

Yeah. But right now you're in a fucking boiling pizza bar on the Gold Coast. So we're all hitting lows. We just got free Uzo which I don't like at all. I'll have it. Mel doesn't drink so that's one more for Tommy.

Very rare for me to take a sip of a drink and go, fuck I wish this was Bundy. Yeah, yeah. No, I'll have it. It's fine. She wants it back. Do you want that one? That's very much an our listener thing. Yeah, yeah. No, I'll have it. It's fine. She wants it back. Do you want that one? That's very much an our listener thing.

I want to buy you boys a round of drinks. Fuck it, I'll have it back then. Yeah, yeah. Fuck you. Get off our podcast. Treats him so well. Yeah, I'm off the booze. I've been off the booze. Because you look great. You look awesome. Yeah, five months off the booze. Oh, yeah. Because you look great.

You look awesome. Yeah, five months now. So you can have that one, Michael. Oh, double for me. Or sell it to a friend or whatever. Guys, I'm going to have to insist you laugh at the funny ones. You know what? It's the opposite here because you're in the beautiful Gold Coast, beautiful weather, and you're forced the funny ones. You know what it is? It's the opposite here because you're in

the beautiful Gold Coast, beautiful weather and you're forced inside on a nice day. It'd be like if people came to Melbourne and were like, get in the fucking beach.

So mean to get all these people out of their parents' basement. Knows the demo, don't you? God, first time I came to school is I bombed with the ladies. This time I'm bombing with an audience. Feels fucking good. Turns out it's all genders who don't like you.

Tommy, are you still trying to get laid in Hawaii? Is that still a thing? Yeah. That's odd. Yeah, right. Am I still? I mean, I'm not there yet, so there's only so much I can do before the trip actually begins.

What is the prep involved? Well, he's got the shirt. Yeah. What do you think? Is this outfit going to get me over the line or not? Oh, no, I think is the general consensus. Girls, what can Tommy do better here? Fuck, kill himself.

That's a very manly sounding girl that just yelled out into the microphone. But yeah, what do you think? If I'm going to, Mel, for your benefit, I'm going to Honolulu with my parents over the Christmas break. Yes. And I've now got $60 on the table from, I believe it's Carl Goldstein and Jen Frick are chipping in $20 each. If I can somehow pick up while I'm on this family vacation,

it has to be on Christmas, right? Yes. It has to be on Christmas, right? Yes. It has to be on Christmas Day. What do you think? There you go, buddy. Any advice? Hang on. You can't have it yet.

Lobster there from Coney. Oh, what? I'll just guard your money for safekeeping, and then if I don't do it, I'll give it back. I was backing him in. Sorry, I believed in my friend. Hey, as the king of gambling. You know what that would go more useful

towards someone else in Hawaii. If you gave them $20, maybe there's more of a chance of it happening. I'm alluding to prostitution. A $20 sex worker. Jesus. Have you been to Hawaii before, Tommy? Yeah, when I was a little kid. I don't really remember.

Okay, yeah. There are definitely lots of drunk American women there that will touch your dick. Okay. For sure. Interesting. For sure. Depends on your...

The spokesperson. Your fussiness to do with... Age. Age. Someone said age. A lot of them come from like the Midwest for their big end-of-year holiday. So you're talking size. Right, okay.

Oh, okay. Wow, someone kicks off the grog and loses 10 kilos and gets stuck in straightaway. It's fun, right? I don't know how else to put it. Fat drunk slut. There's some huge, there's some fucking big, big bitches over there, Tommy. And I just worry about your safety.

I'm starting to get it now. I'm starting to get this. Mike, you've done Hawaii. You're going to get married in Hawaii. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But when you said you've done Hawaii You made it sound like I've done all the fat drunk sites

Yeah you've You've fucked some big ass A few No You've been there more recently than me Because I've been like four times I'm obsessed with Hawaii Oh no

Yes Alright new money What are you too good for Bali? Yeah yeah Oh fucking Red Bank Thinks she's better than us Cody I actually did go to Bali

and I went I changed my flight and went home after two nights and I was like this is a shithole I'm getting out Thank you Respect

The official stance of the podcast So why have you gone to Hawaii so many times? You're just a big fan of the BBW? Just love to fuck a big woman Yeah nice Just as close to the sea as possible. And it's actually cheaper than getting into Bali.

Ask the Jew. I'll fucking tell you about the prices. There's some great deals on in February. Qantas have return flights. There's a week where you can go, it's 8.40 return. And that's on Qantas. Yeah. Are you sure you didn't have sex with Ronnie Chang?

Picked up some kind of... Kiwanis, Kiwanis, got to be Kiwanis. Kiwanis. I'm just trying to remember if I've rooted in Hawaii like a stranger, if I've recruited, like, someone, but I can't remember. Recruited? Like, you know what I mean? Yeah.

Like, got one. I thought that was a, like, Cockney rhyming slang for rooted. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Recruited. You know what I mean? Got one. I thought that was a Cockney rhyming slang for rooted. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Recruited. You know what I mean? Yeah, recruited someone. I thought that meant recreationally rooting someone. Recruited.

Recruited. Mike, have you recreationally rooted? No, I've only been there with my fiancée. And now that just sounds like we didn't fuck the whole time we were there. Well, then it wasn't recreational, it was business. Yeah, you were getting paid by your wife. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was an off-duty pedophile at the time.

Where are you staying? Do you know? Tell me everything. I'm staying in an Airbnb. Yeah. Okay. Is that good in Hawaii? Well, in terms of getting laid,

I think you want to be in the resort type situation. Yeah, but because it's over Christmas, they're all really expensive. I'm sure you can appreciate that. Okay, thank you. Yes. Oh, it felt yuck. And people turned on me as well. It didn't feel good at all.

How did you get away with it? Teach me everything. I took the bullets at the start. Now people are like, oh, we get that one now. This is allowed. But are you like on the beach, like Waikiki? Yeah, just off from the beach, not like a couple of blocks back. In the street.

Perfect. Everybody loves inland Hawaii. All the tourism videos are like, fuck where the water meets the land. You've got to go in. All the fun shit's in. What's the bedroom arrangement? Are you going to got to go in. All the fun shit's in. What's the bedroom arrangement? Are you going to have to go to the girl's house

or is it like... Oh, no. Do you have a trundle bed? Yeah, you know what? I'm in a separate... Can you fuck in the lounge room? I'm in a separate spot. We've got a separate comm.

Okay. Why, something happened? Someone's doing all right. Yeah. Something happened. Something happened with the allsops? Ultimate alpha move?

Still fuck on the trundle bro What about this I'll do a bit of catch up On something that happened A couple of weeks ago So a couple of stories On the podcast recently Have been

The time at the back of Spleen Where we were debating Whether someone had taken a shit Or there was brown ice cream In the laneway at the back So everyone heard that episode Yeah Yeah great Now then Then there was the episode cream in the laneway at the back. So everyone heard that episode, yeah? Yeah, great. Now, then there was the episode a little bit after that

when I got caught short down Bridge Road. I had to go to McDonald's. I was in a toilet, no toilet paper, nothing on me except for the contents of my wallet. My logical guess was I would use an Officeworks card to wipe my arse with. Everyone heard that episode, yes? Right.

Also, like, wipe is the wrong word to use for that. Scooping. Yeah, right. Scooping. Swipe. Wedging. Wedging. Yeah.

Tapping on and wiping off. Yeah. So, this week, what happened was, I was at the back of Spleen. I walked out there because you go out there to sort of clear your your head get get the new jokes ready whatever i go out there and after about a minute i realized i looked down and there is an office works card in the alley like about two meters from where the notorious brown ice cream slash mysterious shit was was sitting and i was like that's too much of a coincidence like that's that's full on like i know we have people that listen to the show they can really get into it

and get too carried away with it and whatever, but someone has actually planted that there. That's amazing. Someone has actually... Because then I was like, that's so fucking clever. I never even thought of the matching between the two. Cool, that's where the brown ice cream is. Well, there you go.

There's some toilet paper. There's an office works card to wipe your ass with for the brown ice cream. Good joke. I was like, fuck, I need to find out. I put it online. I was like, who did this? No for the brown ice cream. Good joke. I was like, fuck, I need to find out. I put it online. I was like, who did this? No one fessed up to it at all. I was like, fuck, someone confessed to it because it's a fucking good joke.

And then on Thursday I went to Officeworks and I went to copy some stuff. I was like, fuck, where's my Officeworks card? And I realised I'd walked down into the alley to go over the jokes, dropped my own card there, turned around, looked back at it and went, someone's a genius. And, of course, I didn't pick it up because I was like,

oh, fuck, someone's probably wiped their arse with that. That card had, like, 30 bucks on it. I want to know, was it in your hand or are you just some baller that walks around, front front pocket Officeworks card? On a chain. Yeah, you know. Carl, can I give some advice what I would have done? I don't know how you would improve any of those stories there, but go on.

I'm not improving them. I'm just helping you. Nick, why did you not think to maybe wipe your arse with your underpants and then chuck them in the bin? Look, everyone was a genius after the event. But no, I didn't think of that at all. You're welcome.

A lot of people have pointed it out to me. Even your shirt if you get in a pinch. My shirt? But then I walk out and I don't have a shirt on? This is not Queensland. This is Richmond a couple of months ago. It was fucking cold. Oh, Richmond. How nice.

He's also in a McDonald's bathroom, so napkins are in easy supply. There's a million different... There's not. There weren't any in there. What are you talking about? You could do a loose pull-up. We covered this.

There was nothing in there. You shuffle out, you get the napkins, you go back in. You don't shuffle out. It's an outdoor toilet. It's locked. You have to go through the drive-thru to get to the toilet. Then you have to go all the way back out through the drive-thru to get back into the shop. I also love he gave you shit.

Then he's like, what, take my shirt off like an animal. I'd rather scoop shit out of my anus with an Officeworks card. This isn't Queensland. Shirtless like a silly duffer. You should have used your credit card, then it's just an easy replace. It's like, my card got stolen, I need a new one. Yeah, right. Well, should we talk more about last night at Cooran Cove?

Sure. Do we want to go into that? Because we started talking about it and then we got distracted. Let's cautiously do that, sure. Yes, I'd like to catch up on what happened. So, yeah, so we had Nick Carr come and stay with us because we had, yeah, a room with two beds and then the option of a sofa bed. The most anyone has ever talked about Nick Carr in his life.

And he couldn't even get a gig on stage. Suck shit. What I love, he's up the back under an illuminated neon sign that says, bad ideas, good times. If we could turn off the good times bit, that would be great. Shut down half the neon sign. So, yeah, so Carr comes and meets us at, like, what,

6pm or something? He is, because Nick couldn't make it, we only had a spare trundle bed, so we got the poor, poor, poor, poor, poor man's Nick Cody, Nick Carr. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, Carr turned... You got him on a Nick Carr. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, cartoon. You got him on a water taxi.

Was it like Jaws? We're going to need a bigger boat. I'm flying out. It's all right, buddy. He comes in on the ferry at like, what, 6 p.m. or something. We're sitting there. We're having a bunch of drinks. We're having a good time.

We had the plan of recording like a little bonus episode in the room. Yeah, a Patreon episode. A Patreon episode. We thought we'll have a good time we had the plan of doing uh recording like a little bonus episode yeah in the room episode yeah we thought we'll have a few drinks we'll be back in the room be kind of a funny episode us pissed and talking shit we finished our beers and then we're sort of going okay well let's you know we'll finish these and then we'll go to the room we got some we got some stuff we've snuck in yeah and we'll we've got some contra some anal contra in the room some anal contra yeah and uh and then we'll record an ep that'll be reallyuck in. Yeah. And we'll record an episode. We've got some contra, some anal contra in the room. We've got some anal contra. Yeah. And then we'll record an ep.

That'll be really fun. Yeah. Then all of a sudden our plans change pretty dramatically, pretty quickly. Nick meets the only single person on the entire island at the bar and then drags them over to our table who confesses to being a fan of very intelligent comedy confesses to being a fan of very intelligent comedy and then

only a fan of female comedy and then we said, who's your favourite female comedian? And she said, Rick and Morty. Oh, we've got a live one. Rick and Morty? Yeah. I don't know what that meant.

That's not code for anything? No. As a woman, no. I'll what that meant. So then... That's not code for anything? No. As a woman, no. I'll take that one. No. That's not code for Judith Lucy and O'Loughlin or some shit. No, that is... So then what happens?

We drink for a bit and then you and I just get... We're wrecked. It gets to like midnight or whatever. Yeah. We decide we've got to go to bed. We also want to get away from her because she starts saying, she finds out that we're all comedians and then goes,

how are you two comedians? Nick Carr's way funnier than both of you. Oh, yeah. Oh, no. She's like, this guy's the funniest one of the group. That Rick and Morty thing is making a lot more sense now.

She knows her shit. Yeah, we're like, we need to get her out of here. So then we go to bed. Yes. And then... He's staying with us. He's staying with us.

We go to bed. We get woken up at 5.30 this morning? Yeah. By a knock on the door? Yeah. No, at 2am, by him knocking on the door, and then me answering the door and there's no one there, and in hindsight what happened was he knocked on the door,

then lost his nerve and went, I have no idea where we're staying actually, and then just knocked on every door. Oh. Oh my God. But then he came back. He's left the sign. Then he remembered and then came back to our one at what?

D1? D1, yep. At 5.30am, yes? Knocks on the door at 5.30am, and then we hear this story about them hanging out together, because she was staying with her mum. Yes. So this is the whole thing of, like,

if something's going to happen here, you know, we're sharing a room with him, so it can't happen in our room. She's sharing a room with her mum, so it can't happen in her room. Car or toilet. Wow. That's what people think when they look at him.

Again, that was very Ronnie Chang. Year of Match Made in Heaven. Car or toilet. Yeah. Those are the options. Those are the options. Yeah. No, go on.

And there's no car over there, yeah. So then they're just kind of walking around the resort kind of killing time he's trying to like trying to make something happen yep

bit of romance in the air at one point I don't think there was I'm not sure well I don't know was there? I don't know I don't know

we haven't heard the full story car was there a romantic vibe no no I feel like we're better at it than you

at one stage you Hang on He is funnier than us He does outrank us Maybe He is the Rick and Morty of comedy He did describe that he went at one stage Skinny dipping

Oh yeah he told me the story. He said skinny dipping. And I was like, well, it's more fucking. Dipping. Dipping. It's chunky dunking at that point, isn't it? Did the girl also skinny dip with you, Nick? Right.

Okay. And she hung around after that, did she? Right. Okay. And she hung around after that, did she? Okay, cool. Is that where the bull sharks are? That's where bull sharks are. I asked, can you swim off there? And everybody at Triple M was like, you'd be fucking mental to do that. That's where bull sharks live. Fuck, you're such a bogan.

We're hearing a story about a naked woman and you're like, are there sharks in the area? Yeah. One, triple, three, five, three. Let us know. Are there sharks off South Straty? Have you ever heard

the tune? Doonan, doonan. Yeah. So there is bull sharks and bullshit by the sound of it. So then we hear a story about how they were

sitting on top of a semi, an only semi-inflated jumping castle. Oh, wow. Car fell off and hurt his leg. Face planted. We've been hearing about this all day about how his leg hurts. They then realised that nothing was going

to happen that night, so that's why he came back to our place at 5.30. Uh-oh. Uh-oh, the footy show's turned up. Oh, yes. You all right? What's going on here? Oh, Bucks night.

You said birthday and then went, no, no, no, it's a Bucks night. I just looked around and I was like, we need some bouncers to take care of this. Oh, there's nothing but bouncers out there. I don't know. I don't know. Guys, if you could keep it down out there. We're trying to bomb it comedy up here. Thanks very much. A little bit of local Titans pre-season going well.

Yes. If everyone could stop having fun, we're trying to have comedy. All right? Oh, fucking hell. The guitar's making an appearance. Jesus Christ. Are we being played off? Is that what's happening?

Oh, no. The Gold Coast Oscars music. 15 blokes at a Bucks party. Fuck, it does look fun, though, doesn't it? Well, anyway, quickly, we... Can we... Can we... Can you guys amuse yourselves and we just join in? We'd better quickly do what Nick Carr didn't last night

and wrap it up, so... And get to the money shot, yeah. So, anyway, so, yeah, he comes back to our place at 5.30. Nothing ends up happening, but... So we have this room, I have this room at the Cooran Cove Resort for three nights. We only use one of it. I'm going home tonight.

You're staying with your family. Yes. I say to Car, hey man, if you just want the room for a couple of days, you can have it. What? What? What? Your family's here?

My wife and daughter, yes. Oh. Yeah. I thought you just went places without them. They tracked me down. So anyway, Nick Carr is going back to Curran Cove later this afternoon to meet up with this girl again. Oh, no!

Hey, Carr, as she's a fan of Rick and Morty, can you say, you know Pickle Rick? How about fucking Nick's Pickle? It's weird that you'll have time to do that, Nick, and move your stuff from Toowoomba. Okay, your schedule, buddy. Sober Mel's all over it. She got in trouble with her mum

Do you know what you could do Nick? Bring her back over here on a ferry To your new room at Greenslope I've done some good fucking in that room Oh hell yeah You think about that When you're in there The ghost of Fingerings Park

So many Fingerings When you're in there. The ghost of fingerings parks. So many fingerings. Imagine fucking in a share house in a bedroom with no mattress on the floor. That's one of the saddest. Sorry, that's his best case scenario. I should have said it more positively. Yeah, I can think of something. Imagine being so cool. Imagine.

I can think of something sad Imagine being so cool. Imagine. I can think of something sadder. Rooting Nick Carr. No, come on. Shut up. Shut up. Come on. Hey, he just proved you right. You just made the sad noise right then.

Oh, you're right. Yuck. No, so what do you think? Are you getting a good vibe from the messages? Or is she... She's grounded. She's grounded. You only spent 12 hours with her last night

and couldn't close the deal. So what's the new plan tonight? It's off. It's off? It's not happening. I mean, we knew that, but we didn't know you knew that. Can't believe it took him 18 hours to figure out the easiest puzzle of all time. It's just one piece and it's all sky.

It's just a stop sign. That's not a puzzle, Nick. That's a picture. So what? She said, sorry, but I can't see you tonight. I'm in trouble with Mama. Did you write back, oh, Ma. You're in trouble. She's in trouble so she's not allowed to see you. Is this a real

Romeo and Juliet situation? Wow. Can you both die at the end? Oh, no. Sorry, that's a literary joke. Come on, Gold Coast. Fucking hell. Shakespeare up. God. Shakespeare up. I thought we all would have dusted up on our classics

before coming to Nobby's today. And here I am feeling like a fool. Yeah. No, I'll tell you what, I'm dumping my jokes about the Tempest later on. Read us the message that tells us you're not going, basically. You might have to bail tonight. Oh, sorry, we're going to have to translate into the podcast.

So, sorry, I might have to bail tonight. I just got in a lot of trouble with mum. I just got in a lot of trouble with mum. It sounds like I'm translating for someone who also speaks the same language as me. But anyway. I just don't want to piss her off anymore. I don't want to piss her off anymore. So she's bailing, that's it.

So you're not going back to the island tonight unless someone wants to go overseas here tonight. Anyone got their passport? Alright, we'll leave that till the end. Alright. That's a grim Gilligan's island. Alright, I guess we better wrap this up for another week on the Little

Dum Dum Club. Please give a big round of applause. Nick, Cody, Mel Buttle, Mike Goldstein. Thanks so much for coming out to the Gold Coast, and we'll see you next time. See you, mate. Goldstein just tipped his own drink on himself. Oh, I'd see you. What a waste of $5.

You might as well kill yourself. He poured one out for Carr's erection. Now, I'm no expert. Yes, I agree. The end. Next subject. It's my humble opinion that they've done it again. Oh, wow.

Okay. Well, yeah. Have you listened back to it? I've done it again Oh wow Okay Well Yeah Have you listened back to it? I've skimmed it Okay Sounds alright? Sounds alright Okay

Yeah That's good I think we were a little bit doubtful at one point About whether They were going to have Done it again Well I think we've definitely done it again Right

I don't know about The audience Oh They've done it again. We were crying a little bit about that. We were having a bit of a sook. Yeah. Big old tanty.

Yeah, a bit sad up there. Bit of a tizzy. We've been a bit sad. Bit of a tizzy up there. You know what we were in? We were in a bit of a strop. Yeah. Bit of a strop.

Bit of a stir. I had my panties in a bunch. Yeah. I did. I had my knickers in a twist. Yeah did. I had my knickers in a twist. You know what I had? You know where I had the shits? Up.

Down. No, up. Really? Yeah. You may have noticed that earlier in the day I'd had a dummy. Yes. But at a certain point, no dummy to be seen. Do you want to have a fathom a guess as to what happened to it?

What, you just lost it? You just dropped it? No, no, no, no. A bit more of a violent action than that. Oh, you punched a dummy. No, a big old spit. Oh, yuck. Just propelling it across the road.

Wow, okay. Look, sorry everyone. We just got the shits out because we're just so used to everyone just killing fawning over us and just the audience is holding up like little cards that say 10 on them after we say right anything at live shows right the gold coast are a bit the the room was warm people were relaxed the room was warm in temperature only yes no they were right no they were fine no we we just you know it's with a small room and people don't get on board straight away. But, you know, given the first two things we said were insulting the audience, you know,

I'm going to say some of it was our fault. We have a very charmed run with this show, with live shows. You know, we've had it too good for too long. And so every now and then we come out, it's not quite at 100%. Maybe it's at 80%. You know, maybe that's what a lot of performers are used to. They have to work to build it up. But not us.

We're not used to that. So it rattles us more than it might do for a quote-unquote professional. Exactly. Like some people are like really hardworking comedians and they've had to really learn how to do it. Whereas we've come out with a comedy, Spoon Up Our Arses. Exactly. So, yeah yeah it's just

we haven't known any better but just tans every time we open our mouth we do stuff that's not that good and we kill doing it yeah so every now and then it's like we've got to work to win this audience over we don't know how but we didn't know that some of the stuff we say isn't that good because it's the whatever reason we just it just people. It's like we've turned up and everyone's like, these two guys are naked up there. Yeah, yeah. It's the Emperor's New Comedy. Yeah.

That's for sure. But yeah, a fun little trip for us. We had a fun time on Cooran Cove hanging out together. Yeah, shout out to Cooran Cove for actually being better than, if this is an ad at all, you were better than what we thought. Yes. I don't know what's wrong with people that said it was so shit. I don't know why they were hating it.

Well, a couple of exceptions, and we didn't talk about this on the episode. Number one, there's Wi-Fi at the resort. Yes. You can get the Wi-Fi at the front reception and at the bar. You can get the Wi-Fi at the front reception and at the bar. Then you can also get the Wi-Fi around the pool, which is in a direct line from the bar area to the pool. You can get the Wi-Fi there. Yes.

You cannot, however, get the Wi-Fi in your rooms. Your rooms somehow fall in between that line, in between the bar and the pool. Yes. But the Wi-Fi doesn't extend to there. They've somehow found a way to just put some kind of dead zone into the rooms themselves. Very strange. So no Wi-Fi in the rooms. And for me, no phone service either.

Oh, really? So I'm just in the Bermuda Triangle while I'm in that room. Wow. Brutal. Also, we tried to go and get a spare towel for our room. Yes. Well, you did. Yeah.

And you were told. $10, thank you. $10. And by spare towel, like, we officially had three people staying in the room. Yeah. So, we had two towels there and I went, oh, I'll just go get a third and they're like, $10, please. Like, not $10 to buy a towel, $10 to borrow a towel.

Yeah. And because the third towel is for Nick Carr, no thank you. No. No, not worth it. I'm not paying $10 for something that's barely going to cover a leg. I think he ended up using the little towel that you put on the ground. Oh, good. To dry himself.

Yeah, it makes you feel good, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah. He dried himself without dirty feet. Yeah. You know what we didn't talk about in the pod i realized afterwards our uber driver yes up to the resort i was trying to get it in there and you kept going over the top of me yeah at one point in the recording it's like me going yeah but then on the drive on the way and you're like yeah so anyway we get on the ferry and i go no but

when we were driving to the ferry you go yeah and then we got on the ferry and I go, no, but when we were driving to the ferry, you go, yeah. And then we got on the ferry. I'm like, all right, you don't want to do this bit. I haven't listened back to that yet. Yeah, he was the first. He goes, where are you staying? And then he just proceeds to give us a big laundry list of everything that's wrong with the Curran Cove Resort. Well, I don't know about a laundry list. He very heavily implied that all the water over there gives you diarrhea.

Yeah. Because they're. He said that he described over there gives you diarrhea. Yeah. Because they're... He described it as an incident recently. Yes. Where a large group of people had gotten sick. Yep. From drinking the water. Yes.

Did you drink any water when we were there? I can't remember. It's not one of those things that really lodges in the memory. I went in. It lodged in mine because I remember thinking, because of that story. Oh, no, it did. It lodged in my head because I thought, because of that story. Oh, no, it did. It lodged in my head because I thought, well, I'm really taking my life in my hands here. I did, actually.

I had some big old gulps because the bit where we were stuck in the hotel room with that girl and car, and then it got to the end of the night and we'd been drinking for quite a while, and I was like pissed off by that stage. I'm like, how the fuck are we going to get these idiots out of here? And then I was like, fuck, I don't want to be pissed off about this and hungover tomorrow morning. So I just stuck my head in the basin and had like massive gulps of water. Yeah, right.

At least I'll get up and I'll be okay. Yeah. So yeah, no, I was fine. So yeah, look, great marks for that. I mean, your towels are too expensive, but your water, absolutely not deadly. You've learned your lesson from making an island full of people sick. My bum bum had absolutely zero adverse reaction to your water. Well done.

Yeah. Yeah, I think my bum bum was pretty much fine as well. That's good. Yeah. That's good news. Tell you what, I felt horrendous when I got home. Did you? That Gold Coast diet of 48 hours of just stodgy hotel food.

I just felt fucking just like a house. Well, you stayed. You got the fuck out of Dodge straight after the pod, nearly a couple of hours afterwards. We stayed around for too long. And then I stayed around for another couple of days on family holiday. And then I came back on the – so the show was on the Saturday. I came back on the Monday. Yep.

And the first trip away with the baby, with my daughter, Blanket. And she was good on the plane, on the way up and on the way back, everything. At one point, she's actually quite a happy baby and she's like smiles at everyone gets it from her dad um and everyone was loving it everyone that sees it is like yeah like ah this baby ah great you know she's doing that on the plane everyone's loving it everyone's coming up to talk to her and everything as we're waiting to get on the plane on the way home um a couple walks by and just stops on the way to get on the plane on the way home um a couple walks by and just stops on the way to get onto the plane just stops and just stares her and it's like

oh look how happy she is oh look at this cute baby oh look at it and then blankets like yet loving it and the couple like going crazy and they've got babies and kids and stuff as well and i was like who the fuck are these people and i realized they're like two of the like the bachelor finals oh like the winner like the winner and the like the two winners i guess you say right like the the whoever it was like the bachelor and the person that he picked or the other way around however that works uh well the bachelor and the person she oh so you don't know which show it was from one of of them. Okay. Yeah. Right.

From a couple of years ago. Oh, from a couple of years ago. Yeah, yeah. Okay. They're married, I think. Oh, right. They had a kid together. This is maybe one of the few ones that's actually worked. Right.

Maybe. I think maybe. Has there been like two that have worked in Australia, maybe? So is this confirmed Blanket's first celeb sighting? Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, these are two beautiful... Did you grab them and go,

can I get a photo of you with my baby to whip out at her 18th? That would have been good. That's pretty funny. That would have been good. Because I was like, I didn't know if my wife had realised who they were at this point. And so I was just like, oh, yeah. Because she would recognize them

right she'd be i thought so but the guy had glasses on and the girl didn't the classic disguise yes um had sunglasses on oh but the the girl didn't okay and um i was like i absolutely know who they are because they're on t i saw them on like the morning show with larry emder and conor gillies a couple of weeks ago and i was like this couple seems like a real couple. Like, I like this couple. They're good. Because everyone, people like to think that all that stuff is like wrestling. Like, it's all fake. And even when they end up, you know, they do the rounds.

Like, they do all the radio interviews in the months after The Bachelor. And they're holding hands. And then you never hear it. But if it truly is all a setup and they're still holding strong with it, then respect. Absolutely. To everyone involved. Absolutely.

And they were getting on a plane um with three children so like they were like it was flat out and yeah they were also still like you know happy to stop and and be like ah like they're in a really good mood and i was like fucking hell you guys i mean they're both hot as fuck yeah so you know good for them and what's to be unhappy about, I guess. But, you know, two professionally good-looking people and then, you know, my baby was a standout, which means that, you know, I got on my hands a hot baby. Yeah. That's confirmation. Are you worried about that?

Are you worried about your daughter growing up to just be a fucking absolute smoke show? That would be weird. I think we've talked about this. Surely this has come up before yeah like i mean it's a long way off but like yes what what kind of um what kind of parent do you see yourself being in terms of like prospective partners coming home well you're like the thing that i think the thing that you gotta worry about to start with is like you know how sometimes you can get like a really cute kid or baby and then they just grow up to be fucking weirdos like that's true when you see a cute kid and you, like, a really cute kid or baby, and then they just grow up to be fucking weirdos.

That's true, yeah. When you see a cute kid and you go, oh, that's a cute kid, so they'll absolutely turn out to be an 11 out of 10. And then you just go, no, no, no, that youngest, Cindy Brady. Cindy Brady was no smoke show when she grew up. Doesn't always work that way, yeah. No, no, no. And likewise, you know, plenty of hot people.

One of the favorite things on, like, the U.S. talk shows to do is, like, some really hot actress that One of the favorite things on like the US talk shows to do is like some really hot actress. Yeah. That's like, get a load of the yearbook photo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's this? I'll go. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, you can never quite know.

I mean, that's a nightmare. It's like you're a parent. You've got a 16-year-old daughter and you're like, thank fuck she's hideous. Yeah, yeah. I'm never going to have to deal with deadbeat guys coming around that's what i mean like what what do you want it's a delicate balance you don't want a 10 but you don't want a three you want like a six and a half to seven like the late blossom all of a sudden like 19 and a half you thought you were in the clear right all of a sudden yeah she just takes off and you're like oh no yeah yeah but but don't you want that you want like an ugly

duckling that turns into a swan when she's like 29 yeah that's true yeah an adult it's like you don't have to worry about yeah yeah yeah yeah you don't have to be protective you don't have to deal with the teenage hormones and even if like they go wild it's like we're not touching that fucking ugly little duck right yeah so you're what so your dream if you could like pick now yeah um what what number would you pick for your daughter six and a half seven i reckon seven seven because i think seven's six and a half is getting pretty low yeah six hours like uh i would say six is like i always think in my head i always go off the shoot magazine ratings okay from the soccer magazine that I used to read when I was a kid. So six was described as average.

That's it. Just average. Average performance. Seven was good. Eight was very good. Nine was excellent. And ten's perfect. Okay.

Yeah. So seven. Seven. Good. Yep. Good. Yeah. I think that's a. Yeah. Good. Yeah. I think that's a good...

I sort of like if there's a piece of... If there's like a movie or something or a video game and it's sitting on a Metacritic score around in the 70s, I often think that's sometimes more appealing than an 80s or a 90s. Oh, yeah. Because the fact that some people... That means that some people disliked it enough to bring the average down. Right. Well, that means you've got a divisive piece of art.

Right. And at the very least, it's interesting. Okay. You know? And if you connect with it, you're probably going to connect with it a lot more. So if you think something's a hundred, if everyone in the world said something was great, you'd be like, this is not good. Well, then the pressure's on when you do go and see it.

And, you know, nothing worse than like a movie that everyone's been raving about. And then you're a quarter of the way through it just going, I don't get it. And now I'm on the outer, like I'm... Would you keep the same rating system for a restaurant? It's like just like overwhelmingly amazing reviews. And then you go, no, no, this one's more interesting. One that had its average score put down by seven confirmed cases of massive diarrhea. That's funny.

That's more interesting. Yeah, and then the people that run that restaurant being like, well, you know, food is subjective. Yeah. Diarrhea is completely subjective. Some people's arses. Diarrhea is completely subjective, which is actually true. Yeah.

You know, some people have weaker stomachs. Some people have an iron constitution. You and I would be good food critics. Yeah, yeah. You know, it's like me. It's probably going to set me off. You're probably going to be fine. The truth is somewhere in the middle.

You know what? I put the kiss of death a couple of weeks ago when we talked about Metamucil and I was like, oh, I've got an iron constitution. Like, you know, I don't need that stuff. I'm super regular. Yep. As soon as I said it, I started to... You jinxed yourself.

I jinxed myself. You became irregular in what sense? Oh, just not... Backed up for a couple of days? A little bit, yeah. Yeah, right. Yeah, I need to... Maybe I need to look into it, but...

Is that a scientific thing when you say something about your body and then it argues against the fact that you said that? So if I was to sit here and say, I'm not going to come right now. Yeah. Well, if I go to the doctor and I'm like, oh, doctor, I've had a bit of, I've been a little bit backed up. Oh, what's been happening?

You changed your diet? No. Been under any stress? No. Have you said that you shit really regularly? Yeah, I did say that. Well, that's it. That would be great if he knew immediately.

You put the moles on your ass. Yeah, you go in and he knows immediately. He's like, you talked about this on a podcast, didn't you? The old podcast. You bragged about how regular you are, didn't you? We've been getting a bit of that lately. It's a great boast. Yeah.

But anyway, a seven for your daughter, that's a good one to aim for because I feel like that's, yeah, that's not hideous. There's something there. There's something appealing there. Seven's good. That's what I'm telling you. Good. Yeah, seven's good.

You see someone go past and they say, good looking. He's creative. You know, that's a fucking great thing to say about someone. Yep. Good looking. If you're seven, you are literally good looking. Yep. You're looking good. So you wouldn't want to scale.

Because good looking, you're still going to be faced with that problem of having a bevy of male suitors around at the house. Yeah. You don't want to maybe scale it back just slightly just so that there's an appeal to some people. You know that anyone that's going to dig deep enough, you know, they're going to be pure of heart. You know what I mean? Not just some horn dog. Yeah.

I was selfishly thinking six and a half. But then I thought of my daughter and I thought, you know, I have the extra half a point. That's very charitable of you. The bachelor couple that cracked an audible boner over my child were Sam Wood and Snezana Makowski. Ah. Look, I'll repay the compliment.

I said they're a good-looking couple. Snezana, best-looking girl on either of those shows. Maybe of all time in Australia. Really? Yeah. Good-looking girl. Do you want to see a picture of her? Yeah.

All right. Here we go. What are you doing? Are you sending it to me? No, I'm just going to show you. Oh, okay. I just Googled her. Oh, yeah, she's good.

Those guys? Yeah. Do you remember those guys? Not at oh right okay no you know when those shows sort of start and you have like a vague interest in them even though you might not watch them but you you remember them off the ads because it's like oh this thing it's a real cultural phenomenon you remember yeah like the first couple of big brothers but then it's like oh someone won season six of anything no fucking no one yeah No one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I know these were on, like, season one or two or something. Oh, they were really early days. Oh, early days.

I wouldn't fucking have it. Back when they were, like, pairing up people that no one knew who they were, now they're just, like, getting fucking famous dogs off cartoons or whatever and getting people to try and fuck them or whatever. Droopies in the mix this year. Trying to fuck Deputy Dog. Yeah. Yeah, anyway, thanks to everyone who came out on the Gold Coast to see the show.

A lot of people travelled up from Brisbane. We found out on the day traffic was especially bad that day because of schoolies kicking off. I didn't know that. But yeah, thanks to everyone who braved all the conditions to make it down there. Did people get there late or anything like that? Did anything happen? No, I just remember hearing that, yeah, traffic was really dodgy all around the place. But yeah, fun to do our first ever appearance on the Gold Coast.

Yeah. We were very close to a Hooters slash the Pink Poodle. The Pink Poodle. Yeah. Whatever that meant. That's what I was going to say about the Uber driver as well. I made a noteoters slash the Pink Poodle. The Pink Poodle. Yeah. Whatever that meant. That's what I was going to say about the Uber driver as well. I made a note of it at the time. He was like, remember that bit where we drove past like a school and we were just like looking

at the school going, oh yeah, cool. And then there was like a big hill behind it. Yeah. And he was like, yeah, there used to be like a thing. What was it up on the hill? Like a big mansion or a big temple or a big... There was like a hangout. People would go up and hang out there and then it got overrun by...

Yeah, but what he literally said was like, yeah, but then they knocked it down or something because it was like, oh, there was drug addicts hanging around up there. And this is the direct quote that really took my fancy. He said, and then people would break into caves and put on magic shows like well how the fuck do you break into a cave to start with and then why would you break into a cave to then put on you break into something to steal something you don't break in to fucking put on a magic show what the fuck does that mean and also just like the use of you break into a cave to fucking is this your card?

Yeah, yeah. I can't see the fucking cards. It could be. Yeah, maybe you're breaking into the cave to, I don't know, secretly store your magic apparatus there. Okay. Because no one can find out where it is. Because you're embarrassed. Otherwise the jig will be up.

Yeah. Well, embarrassed, but also, you know... You've just got huge... You've got to keep the tricks safe. Huge hats and huge pigeons and huge... Huge rabbits. Women being sorted half and stuff. Heaps of half women.

Right, yeah. I just like the phrasing of him just... Anytime someone refers to drug addict, it's just such boomer energy of like... It's very much... You only say that if you've never had drugs, I think. Really what that means is some kids used to sit up there and drink a six-pack and share one joint. Yeah.

I guarantee that's the extent of it. Oh, look, I don't think someone like that would know either way. Yeah. I think that's just a very general, a big generalisation. Urban legend. Yeah. And also, I'm positive that it also happened. So, yeah.

Yeah. But I don't mind the Uber drivers up in Queensland. Like, they're up for a big chat. All the ones I've had before, they're up for a big chat. I'm like, sure. Yeah, it was like we were on one of those tourist hop-on, hop-off sightseeing buses. He was just pointing at everything. Yeah, and we were, like, playing with him and he was going for it.

Yeah. Yeah, he was going back and forth. And a long drive, too. It's like a like 45 minute drive and it wasn't you know sometimes you get in an uber and you know within three seconds of them starting chat you're just like jesus christ get me out of here yeah i had an uber driver i was telling you this the other day an uber driver wanted to chat to me about the joker movie right for the entire trip i'm like oh I cannot get out of here fast enough yuck I love comedy so

yeah hey up the top of the show we said we're going to Brisbane if you're listening to this hot off the presses we're going to Tasmania Tasmania

this Saturday this Saturday 23rd sold out pod and we have some tickets left for the stand up show that's on at three o'clock

in the afternoon which is just us me and you doing stand-up and guests yep doing stand-up as well it's going to be a fun tight little hour show um so there's some still some tickets left um yeah let us know if you missed out on a podcast ticket we we've literally never seen the venue uh never been in it we don't know if there's possible any room to fit in or whatever. But anyway, talk to us. We'll work it out. If you want to bust your little hiney

on getting in there. But why the fuck did you leave it so late? That's true. You dumb idiot. That's very true. We've also got the 500th episode in Melbourne on sale April the 25th, 2020. Tickets for that moving very quickly.

It is assigned seating. It's in a big old theatre. So jump on that if you're here to come. Some people have been asking about, we'll say this again, we'll put this on sale very soon, but we'll do, usually during the Comedy Festival in Melbourne we do like four shows. We'll do a smaller one. We'll only do a couple.

It'll be on sale soon. And after the 500th, and people are asking about the drunk cast. So that means that there's no drunk cast during the Comedy Festival, but we will be doing our drunk cast slash after party after the 500th episode. Yep.

Yep. So, and that means that you can only get into that if you have been to the 500th episode. Yep. So that's how that works and full details to come yeah there's still fucking ages to go so um we don't need to roll out every fucking milliliter of information quite yet but that is what is going to happen there'll be an

after party after the 500th should be great should be huge yes should be too big because we'll be in a thousand seater and then going, hey, let's go somewhere else that's not a 1,000-seater for an after-party. Let's go to one of those trendy bars that seats 10 people. Yeah. And we'll just work behind the bar. But maybe we should spend the back half of the 500th episode talking about how shit the after-party is going to be

just to make sure that it isn't overrun. People that are there really, really want it. Yeah. That is a good idea. That is a good idea. That's a good strategy. We'll do that. Also, if you're in Melbourne and you're listening to this hot off the presses,

my exhibition is on, as of tonight, live when this goes out, November the 20th at B-Side Gallery, 121 Brunswick Street in Fitzroy. It runs until December the 1st. Come down tonight if you're hearing this in time. Otherwise, yeah, you've got a couple of weeks to go in and see it. Setting it all up to date.

It's looking really good. Heaps of stuff for sale. So, yeah, go down there. Tag me in the post on Instagram or Twitter or whatever. Let me know you've been through. Excited to see what people think of it. I'll be there. Oh, yeah.

I'll be there. I'll be taking off from my duties as a father to go and attend i appreciate that yeah um i'll be fathering by day and connoisseuring by night that's what i'll be doing i'll be coming in wife comes home yep sorry babe i need to put on the turtleneck and the monocle yeah head out to this gallery. Yeah. I'm going to quickly grow a pencil-thin moustache. That would be so good. Slightly above my lip. That would be great if you came in costume as an art concert.

I said this as a joke because I think quite a few comics are going to come along opening night because I heard there was free stuff. And I said to Ben Lomas, friend of the show, I said, I think he said, oh, I'll see you at the Wednesday night at the opening. And I was like, yeah. I said, yeah. And just as a joke, I said,

I'll be trying to outbid you on a couple of pieces. And he's like, oh, is there an auction? Can I be the auctioneer? I want to be the auctioneer. Fuck. Maybe I should have an auction. You should do that. It's not bad should have an auction. You should do that. It's not bad.

Charity auction. You should do... Maybe you should do one auction at least. Yeah. Because then that's fun. I don't know. I'll have to work it out. I've got enough shit to do.

Yeah. That's fun. You don't want to do everything, but doing one of them would be fun. And getting Lomas to be the auctioneer would be fun. Well, maybe we could get Lomas to auction off a Kappa original. Yeah, but we want it to be sold by then. Kappa pulled out of a gig tonight in order to work on stuff for his exhibition. Yeah, I tried to get him to do a spot last night and he wouldn't do it because he's working on it.

I think he literally just started on it on Sunday. I bet. Yeah, because he came working on it. I think he literally just started on it on Sunday. I bet. Yeah. Because he came around and measured the space and then all of a sudden I saw him on Instagram putting stories up about it and he hadn't been sharing anything. So either he just decided to start sharing it or much more likely, I suspect, he only just started working on it. Of course. Man, we saw him working on the props and the background of his filmed comedy special an hour before the show.

He was backstage and like completely fucking it up. So, yes, that's exactly what he's doing. What a fuckhead. Yeah. Anyway. I hate him. Let's finish this so I can keep going with my drawings. Yeah.

Let's finish this so I can go to bed. I can keep going with my drawings. Let's finish this so I can go to bed. Thank you to everyone who subscribes to patreon.com slash littledumbdumbclub. You are patrons of the arts, literally. You're the backbone of the littledumbdumbclub economy. Yeah. You actually are what keeps this show alive

because fuck doing it for free. So thank you very much. Can you imagine if we were still not earning a red cent from this podcast and for some reason we're still in the position where we're doing – we're literally just thanking people that like us on Facebook. Yes. We're still doing this. There's no obligation whatsoever.

We're thanking people that that we think used to listen just to somehow sway them back, like in case we run into them and go, you should have listened to the new episode. I know you hate us. I know you haven't listened for like eight years. This is grassroots. I know you stopped listening when we stopped being on Barry Radio,

but I think we can win you back with this latest episode. Dip back in. There's been some good stuff going on lately. I know you've missed 420 episodes, but I reckon you can plug straight back in on this Wednesday's one. Well, it's like they always say. Most shows only get good around episode 475. Yeah, yeah.

It's like, you know, these days they put a show on TV and you've only got one or two episodes to win their attention. But, you know, back in the old days with Cheers and stuff like that, they'd give you 400 episodes. Plenty of shows, yeah, famously found a long time to take their feet. But, you know, back in the old days, like with Cheers and stuff like that, it was like, they'd give you 400 episodes. Plenty of shows, yeah, famously found a long time to take their feet. Look at the news. The news is still not good.

Yeah, yeah. How many chances are they going to get before the CEO is clamped down on them? Yeah, well, you know what? They keep it fresh, though. That's the good thing about it. Like, they don't, it's always like comparatively sort of modern material

that they're using. That's true. Which I like. They're not using any old... There's never any repeats. It is a bit like the sitcoms of old where it resets at the end of every episode. That would be good if over summer the news were repeats. Yeah.

They should do that every now and then. Just pick a random day. It would be cool to turn on and see what literally the entire news broadcast from September 1, 1973. Accidentally turn it on and it's like, oh, six months ago that was a classic. That was a modern day classic. And it's just got completely the wrong weather. And you don't know anything about it.

You just tune in at 5.55 and it's like, it's going to snow today. Fuck. But if they had a month where they, you'd want them to be going further back than six months i'm talking a decade plus yeah if they had a month where it was like every day different date at random yeah i would totally watch that that'd be awesome you wouldn't watch it all the time though i wouldn't like go out of my way but like i would be i would be like excited i'd be like just to see see the flavor of how they're reporting on things,

what the big stories were. Yeah. I wouldn't mind seeing the middle bit, just to see the stuff that isn't. The filler. Yeah. Right. Like really old shit filler. Well, you know, every now and then you'd get like,

I can't think of a good example, but the beginning of something that ended up historically becoming something quite big. Yeah. That'd be kind of interesting to see, like the tone in which it was talked about, like them not knowing. Anyway. Okay. This is a good idea.

Channel 10, get onto it. Yeah, yeah. Repeat the news. Repeat the news. This is our idea. Copyright. This is us pitching our own TV show. Repeating the news.

Put what you already made 10 years ago back on. Yeah. Treat the news like you used to treat the nanny and the Simpsons. Right. Just rotate about 10 episodes every night at 6 o'clock. Love it. Done. But, yeah, thanks to everyone who chips in and supports the podcast.

This is a way that you can get bonus content every month and perhaps more importantly, certainly more impressively, you get your little name read out at the end of the episode every week this is the romper room part of the the show uh where we look through the the looking glass and find um we can see the little listeners out there uh listening back all the good boys and girls yeah i mean we can see you but you can't see us we can we're spying on you you're just listening to us yeah but we're looking at you and that's why we tend to get all of our physical descriptions of you absolutely wrong yeah it's got a lot to do with it uh thank you everyone we'll uh crank up the uh unplanned title alternator

to make it absolutely fair uh we don't want to um uh you know play favors to anyone um i don't know why we don't want to do that, but we want this to be a very fair... We want this segment to have integrity. Yeah, yeah. Unlike the rest of the program. Yes, exactly. Which is for sale to the highest bidder.

This is the pure snow part of the podcast. All right, let's get this over with. Not that I'm not looking forward to it, but, you know, you've got your art to create. Yep. I can see right now you've transformed this apartment into a mini art exhibition right now. I'm looking around and you've turned into Tasmania's MoMA. There's just nothing but vaginas all over the wall.

Yeah. Is that what it's called? MoNA. Oh, okay. MoMA's the other art exhibition, isn't it? That's like the New York one. Yes, I think so. Yes. The Museum of Modern Art. Oh, okay. MoMA's the other art exhibition, isn't it? That's like the New York one. Yes, I think so. Yes.

The Museum of Modern Art. Yes. Yeah. Well, that's what I meant. Yeah. Yeah. So you've got vaginas all over the wall. Yeah, I've got vaginas all over the wall.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's a lot of shit on the floor. Yeah. Yeah. And you've been fucking them. I've been fucking the shit. I've been fucking the vaginas. Yes.

It's very modern. Yeah. It's very erotic art. I like it. Interactive. Interactive erotic art. That's what you're going to be tomorrow night at the art exhibition as well. After too many drinks by the end of the night, you're going to be like,

I am interactive art. You can fuck me. Well, I am planning to get absolutely turbo at this opening. I bet you are. I bet you are. You've been working for a long time on this thing. So if you were like still not drinking by the end of this thing tomorrow night, I'd be like, what the fuck is happening here?

My parents are sneaking in booze. The gallery has beer and they don't want beer. tomorrow night, I'd be like, what the fuck is happening here? My parents are sneaking in booze. Oh, God. Because the gallery has beer and they don't want beer. So they're going to bring in wine with them. Get them to listen to this episode and get some tips off me. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That'd be funny if you just like sidle up to my dad and you're like,

hey, Mr. Ray, I hear you wanted some wine. And then you just pull a full goon out of your crack. Yeah, great. He'd be into that. He'd be into that. No context. Yeah. Doesn't know it's a callback

to something. Let's get on with it so you can get back to fucking your art. Mm-hmm. Fucking your sweet little art. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. Wow.

This is a good name Straight off the bat Considering I feel good about that I feel You should feel good about this Prepare to feel even better Yep

Thank you to Patreon subscriber Tom McGushen Tom McGushen Damn Wow That's pretty great MC G-U-S-H-I-N McGushen McGushin. Damn. Wow. That's pretty great. M-C-G-U-S-H-I-N. McGushin.

McGushin. Yeah. Not even with a G at the end. McGushin. He's just Scottish style gushing all over the joint. Oh, wait. Hang on. What?

Not even with the G at the end. Yeah. Right. Yeah. So, M-C-G-U-S-H-I-N apostrophe. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. That's it.

There's not enough punctuation in surnames. No. Why isn't that a thing? Get it in there. Yeah. I could be Carl Chandle, apostrophe. Tommy Dasal. Yeah.

No, not as good. Yeah. McGushen. McGushen. Wow. No, not as good. Yeah. McGushen. McGushen. Wow. Yeah, there's almost... It's overwhelming. That's pretty erotic.

That's extremely erotic. To some men, that's one of the most erotic things that could happen. Is it? Well, it feels like you never really hear people talk about it anymore, but I certainly remember a time, maybe in my mid-20s, where it felt like a lot of my friends were obsessed with the idea of squirting. Yeah, female ejaculation is what we're talking about, right? Yeah, what is the technical term for it?

It's not female ejaculate, but anyway. Yeah, we know. Oh, I guess it is ejaculation. Yeah, you're not orgasming, you're ejaculating so that is what it means yeah sure um there because it was always it felt like there was always like one guy in a group of friends who claimed to have done it yeah right like yeah i made a chick squirt yeah yeah and it's all you know in that, you know, younger man way of like there's never any way of verifying it. Then all of a sudden walking with a bit more of a swagger.

Right. He knows what's up. Yeah. But you never, it feels like past a certain age. Like I'm 33 now and I cannot imagine any of my friends turning up to the pub like, yeah, I made a girl squirt last night. Yeah. Beyond 30, I think it's like, it's just, it's kind of like fantasy or whatever you want to call it that just is completely dead in the water. Well, look, I'm sure there's girls that listen to this show that are...

Squirt. Absolute squirters that, you know, are bashing at their iPods right now. Doing a bit of McGushen. Yeah, doing a bit of Tommy. And bashing at their iPhones, whatever, and just going, that's me. I need to let them know that that's me. So let us know.

It's a shame to think that if, by my own logic, if I, at this point in my life, if I got together with a girl and she squirted, I probably would feel like I can't really tell anyone about this. Just by my own rules of like, it's a bit sad to be in your 30s and like, trying to, I just would have to be like,

oh, I guess cool that this happened. But this is just my little secret for me and me alone. But also, I'm sure I've said this on the podcast before, but like, not for ages, but you know,

saying something about someone you've been with, is fraught with danger. Because then if you end up with them in a... Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, totally. I had a friend that described in vivid detail the size of his partner's genitalia, female genitalia.

Yep. And then ended up marrying her. And we were like, well, every time we look at you, that's all we think about. It's rough stuff. Yeah. Yeah. It's a burden. It's a burden for you to be carrying that around.

Yeah. You feel guilty. Yeah. You feel like you've somehow, it feels like you've spied on them in some way. Yeah. It's bad. It's bad knowing stuff about someone that you know you're not meant to know. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And also, in that instance, you know that they know too. Like, they know that you know too, I should say. Oh, the friend, yeah. Yeah. Because they're the ones that they ask for just holding court

and we're all eating it up going, tell us more, tell us more. But it's also funny to think about, like, what's the, like, how quickly it can change. Because that says that it's a friend who's, like, hooked up and immediately gone, well, nothing's ever going to happen to me. Yeah. I'm safe to just put this one. You know, I've certainly had things happen where I've been like,

I've had a bit of a sense, I'm like, you know what, I'm kind of into this person. This might become something. Yeah. I'm going to hold back on the details. But you can get too excited, which in this example, I think is exactly what happened. About the size of this monstrous genitalia no but not only that but just the person involved it was like someone that was like loves a yarn loves to hold cord no no not even that oh right

more like the the girl that he met we she worked in a shop and like she was known within in our circle of friends of being like oh the hot chick at this shop. Right. And we'd all be like, oh, yeah, that one. Oh, my God. And then all of a sudden it was like, he was with this girl, the girl from the shop. And we're like, fucking hell.

Well, that does change it significantly. So then he amped it. Then he was like, well, I better. It's something of an obligation that he has to pony up the details. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, thanks, McGushen. Yeah, thanks, McGushen. Yeah, thanks, McGushen. Thanks, Tom McGushen.

Thanks, Gashow. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. Oh, God, we've doubled up with the Toms, two in a row. Has that ever happened? Has that ever happened? I'm not sure. Check the archives. It's too crazy to have happened.

I'm telling a Tom about two Toms in a row. This is insane. This is uncharted territory and uncared about territory as well. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Tom Swain. Swainy. Interesting. Have you ever made a girl swain before? Don't think so.

Is that any way related to making a girl swoon? Oh. Is it like another tense girl swoon? Oh. Is it the like another tense of swooning? Yeah, it sounds like it. She's already been swooned. She's swooning. Now she's been swain. She was swain.

Yeah, right. Okay. The past tense of swooning. Yeah. The answer is no. Well, after she mcgushed, then yes. After she mcgushed, then she had a good old swain. Then she was swain. She was absolutely swain. Swain off her feet. That's funny.

Someone squirting and then swooning. Just like squirting everywhere and then, my hero. She's also like swooning because she's lost a lot of liquid, so she's sort of falling to the ground. Lightheaded, dizzy. Flushed in the cheeks. Oh, flushed all over someone's cheeks can we just go back to mcgushin because i feel like that was pretty fertile territory yeah have you ever known anyone who's told you that they've like been like in an ongoing thing with someone who squirts no i think i have a similar thing as you. I remember someone at school going,

oh, this thing. And me just going, okay, well, I just assume this is not true. This is just something you saw at a porno. A friend of mine was telling me he, ages ago, was with a girl who would squirt. Right.

And it was just like every time. Right. So it was just like they'd go around to hers and just like having her like put a towel, you know, just do all this, do all this maintenance. Right. Before they get down to it yeah in preparation for this happening and he's like put down the tarp yeah pretty much right and he's like you know fine whatever right body stuff but okay but but it does it does take a lot of the like um uh what's the word the um you know

heat of the moment yeah yeah there's no it's like really like hey this is starting to kick off now just hold that thought yeah into the into the linen cupboard yeah oh yeah no totally but that's also like you know having a story about oh you know oh god this time we did in a taxi in the back and the driver's watching us it's like oh wow cool story but it's not as cool like you know you've been with this person for two years and they're like, yeah, I'm really horny. Come on. Dial, dial, dial a yellow cab.

It's like, I'm not doing it in the bedroom. We have to do it in the back of a cab. Right. You mean the difference between it being an early fling thing versus like an ongoing. Being a cool story and a bit exciting and whatever. I fucked my wife of 10 years in the back of the cab. Yeah.

Why are you telling me this? Yeah, we're leaving the kids at home again tonight so we can go and fuck in the cab right yeah it's like that's a cool one off but every time it's like this is not as interesting yeah don't you think well i mean they're two very different things well it is like an involuntary body thing no but i'm saying as a as you perceive it though like you've right right right as a like if you're with someone for the first time and that happens, you're like, well, who cares about the mess and all that stuff? It's like, that's cool.

Well, there's also – the other thing is that there's a bit of an element of like the older you get and especially if you've been single through a lot of your 20s and into your 30s and whatever, you reach a point where you and your friends, you've kind of seen not all of it but you've seen a fair chunk of it do you know what i mean so there's like there's not that many like brand brand new experiences left right yeah yeah yeah sure all right so well that's um that can be part of your challenge in hawaii as well just get squirted on yeah in the back of a cab and then really make a few women over there swain. Do some swaining.

Got some swaining to do. Bruce Swain. Well, thanks, Tom Swain. Thanks, Tom Swain. Is this going to be a third Tom? Not congratulations. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. No. Scott subscriber. No.

Scott Nixon. Wow. What a surname. Scott Nixon. Very loaded surname. I am not a crook. I am just a fuckhead because I give money to this podcast. Yeah.

The famous quote. Yeah, wow. I wonder if he's absolutely the son of Richard Nixon, ex-US president Richard Nixon. You don't even say ex-president. I think you actually say president. You do, yeah. You keep that title.

Even though they're no longer the president. Yeah, that's weird, isn't it? Isn't that weird? It's a bit of a crock. You don't keep any other titles for no reason at all, do you? I don't think so. Yeah, I mean, I'm not walking around saying I work at Baker's Delight. Yeah.

From over a decade ago. You don't get to keep walking around saying, no, please introduce me as Master Tommy Dusslo. Right. Not Mister. Please introduce me as Having Cancer. Introduce me as Master Tommy Daslow, not Mr. Please introduce me as Having Cancer. Please welcome the cancerous Tommy Daslow. Oh, should we do Cancer Corner?

If you want. Oh, fuck, we better. This is a long one already. All right. We can hold. Quick question. Up to you. Quick question. Quick question. Because to you. Up to you.

Quick question. Quick question. Because I hate, if there's one thing about me that you know, Tommy, it's that I like to follow up on things. And if we can say something, we should do something. So Cancer Corner this week is me asking a question. Which is this? Did it, when you had cancer, when you were what?

How old? 12? We need to, fuck, I've meant to be writing down a catalogue of the questions that you've asked previously. Right. Because there has been some real eye-opening from you so far. I believe, edition one of Cancer Corner, the question was, did it hurt? Yeah, yeah. Good question.

Good question. I stand by it. I wish I was asking it right now. I bring it up because I believe I heard you start to say Did it And I was like And if there's I mean there's two things I know about you

You like to follow up on things Memory like a sieve You're constantly following up on things That you've already followed up on But you've forgotten you've followed up on them That's a pretty good quality To be able to remember to follow up on something With a memory like a sieve though

That might be the one thing I remember though Yeah That's a pretty good quality to be able to remember to follow up on something with a memory like a sieve, though. That might be the one thing I remember, though. Yeah. You've forgotten to do Cancer Corner for about five weeks in a row now. Still, that's still good for this show. That's true. That's still good for this show. I think your following up abilities are quite poor.

I think mine are better. I've gotten better. You've gotten better. I've gotten better. I'll give are better. I've gotten better. You've gotten better. I've gotten better. I'll give you that. Cancer Corner is, my question is, how old were you again when you had it? Ten. Ten.

Okay. I was going to say, did it affect your horniness, but not really? Jesus Christ. Were you, I won't ask it now. Did it affect your appetite? Yes. While I was in hospital, barely any appetite. Right. Not much eating.

Right. So, were you hooked up to a tube and shit like that? Had a feeding tube thing for a bit. And then, yeah, for the most part, you just do sick to eat. Yeah. Like, you really get into a point where you're like kind of trying to remember what that's brutal considering you're in a hospital with a mcdonald's built into it it's really rubbing your nose in it oh yeah there was plenty of like me thinking i think i'll be all right for food and like you know mom or dad going getting some mcdonald's from

downstairs yeah and then me just like chucking it up oh yeah and this is before you got sick yeah yeah gotcha um yeah there's plenty of like just not being able to eat yeah like just not no no appetite uh yeah vomiting especially when you're deep in with like having chemo and stuff like that oh what about this um did you get a present from your parents for beating cancer? That's a good question. I don't know that I specifically – like we went on a trip overseas like when I was like fully in the clear because that was something that my parents had been planning before I got sick. So it kind of got put on hold. So we kind of, we did that.

And part of it was we went to meet my bone marrow donor who lives in Boston. That was probably the extent of it. Because the other thing is, is like you have the transplant and then it's kind of a long period of like you sort of not really knowing if that's going to take or not right so the actual thing of you getting the call and being like hey we reckon it's it's just out of the blue yeah yeah call like oh really hey we we kind of think it's okay right now right but i think that's close to

like a year on it's like so it's not like a it's not like build up build up build up in hospital out and then two days later you find out you're fine yeah it's just like build up, build up, build up, in hospital, out, and then two days later you find out you're fine. Yeah. It's just like still, like you get out of hospital and then you're still having to go back a couple times a week, then once a week, then once a month, and then, yeah. It's not like you get the cancer cast off your arm and then it's like, well, you're all good now because we took it off there, which means...

Exactly, yeah. It's kind of a slow dismount, basically. You're not off your cancer crutches now. It's just a very weird thing where you can't see it. So my parents aren't there with a Super Nintendo wrapped up, waiting for the like, as soon as we get the call, he's hoping this. Okay, so not a direct congratulations on beating cancer. Congratulations.

I guess us going overseas was probably like the present, so to speak. That was like a big thing where it was like officially better, big family trip, going to a lot of cool places overseas. That was probably, that was the big like I guess celebration. Right. And like I missed a bit of school to go on that trip. Okay. That was pretty cool. That was was always funny wasn't it like we i remember doing that missing school

and it's like just a frivolous thing that your parents just yeah they want to go on holiday yeah okay well car won't be going to school for like two weeks in a very important part of his youth where his brain's still fucking taking in a lot of what life is going to teach him and he needs in further years because he's going to Queensland. Yep, yep. He's going to go on a ride. My friend did that the other day. He took his kids out of school to go to the zoo.

Oh, right. It's not like, you know, and he's posted about it on social media. I was like, like one of those kids' teachers, like being on his Instagram or whatever and saying this. That'd be fucking livid. Is it illegal? Is that like, what's the consequences of of doing that anything i guess at a certain age you must just for like a day or two here and there i guess you could probably just do what you want what about for two weeks though if you just these days yeah

like i think i assume my parents told my teachers we were just going to Queensland. Because kids used to do it at my school all the time. And we would all know. Like kids when I was in year six and stuff would just be like in Europe. Yeah, right. For like two weeks out of the term. Right. What would happen if you, what does happen? I'm sure some listeners have done this lately.

What happens if you just go, I'm going to Bali with my kids for two weeks and he's not coming to school? So that's what's happening. What actually happens? Anything? Anything at all? Could you take the piss? How long could you take the piss for?

Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. People will know. I guess primary school, there's not a lot they can do. It's more, I guess, when you're getting into having exams and tests and certain marks that you need to be hitting to finish the year.

Yeah, that would be good if you come back after not going to school for five weeks and you're in so much trouble that they immediately put you in detention. And you're just in detention for another couple of weeks and you're still learning absolutely nothing. Yeah. Thanks, Scott Nixon. Thanks, Scott Nixon. Thanks, Scott. One of history's biggest criminals, I assume. I don't know enough about him. Yeah, and Richard's pretty bad as well.

Oh. The Watergate, Watergush, something. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Peter Collins. This one's as boring as they come. Hey, Colin. As boring as they gush. Yeah, this sounds like a cigarette or a cocktail. There's nothing here for us.

Look, there's something. There's something. There's nothing here for us. Oh, look, there's something. There's something. There's something. Collins. Collins Street in Melbourne. That's true. That's a nice street. It's a very high-end street.

Yep. Part of it's called the Paris End of Melbourne, up the top of Collins Street. That's something interesting. Oh, I can tell you this. Oh, yeah? My GP is on Collins Street. Okay.

And the other day I had to go in, so I Googled them to get the phone number to call them. You know how, like, if you Google a business up the top, it'll have a little business listing? Yep. And people can kind of, like, leave reviews, but people can also edit it. They can put, like, a picture or picture or whatever oh and for a little while i've been going this is just like an old family doctor yeah um that you know we've known forever and i keep going like oh man i should when i used to live in a different spot i was like i've got to find a gp closer to where i am now this is so stupid to travel into the city to see her and then

i moved here and it's like walking distance i'm like oh what it's just easy to keep going to her sure but i'm kind of like i don't know if even she's a good doctor or not anyway so i googled the thing the other day and someone had edited one of the pictures in the google business thing it was a photo of um what's his name conrad murray is that the guy's name the doctor that killed michael jackson that's great it's just like front and centre Not for her specifically For the entire medical centre Oh right So just like I put in the name of the medical centre

It's like da da da medical centre Yeah And like first thing that comes up The photo of the great man Dr Conrad Murray I was like Okay well I guess I guess that tells me everything I need to know

About the public opinion of this clinic. That's great. It's time to start looking for somewhere new. That's great. That's a very disgruntled patient. I love it. That's fucking great that there would be people at that hospital, that centre, that have no idea that that's a thing. No, it's a really small place too.

They would have no idea. They'd have no idea of how to change it either. No'd be like ringing up the internet going can you take this down they wouldn't know it's there they would have no idea that it's there fuck but also like you know so he famously was just giving you know misprescribing things for michael jackson yeah yeah um in his final days i like the idea that it's like then it all pieces together in my head like yeah i did go in there for a sore knee and she ended up prescribing me 47 valium yeah a day yeah great that's very funny peter collins um i haven't yeah i i never don't want to what i think about going to the doctors i'm always like i always expect something more

you go in and i go give me a physical and they're like we don't do that we just like fucking you know stick a needle in you and that sort of figures everything out i'm like i think you're supposed to like whack my fucking knee with a hammer or something oh you want the you want the full cartoon experience like the electrodes and on the treadmill and all that kind of shit yeah i've been thinking i would like to go in and get a full, like, I don't know, get cholesterol check, just all those stuff, all those things that I've never had done. You've never had it. Never had any of that stuff done.

So you get all that stuff done with like, you know, just fucking two seconds now and it's really, I'm always like, are you sure? Like, give me the results. I'm like, but did you test everything? They're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all there. It's all done. Yeah. The doctor really is a thing where it's it's like the cost of everything is going up, but

the amount of time that they're putting, you know what I mean? Back in the day, you would have paid a lot for inflation, probably around what you pay now or whatever, but you're in there for a full day. You really feel like you've got some good hours in there. Now you go in and it takes six seconds. That'll be $800, thanks. Yeah, seconds. Oh, that'll be $800. Yeah, yeah. Wow, that's a lot.

That's heaps. My cholesterol is always – there's a couple of physical things I pride myself on. Here we go. Yeah. Man, you've got to take them where you get them. Yeah, true, true. I'm the strongest man in the world. Yeah.

It's very good heart rate. Okay. Extremely good heart rate where they always remark on it. And I'm like, yeah, I've been told that a lot actually. Yeah. And I'm pretty good when you do the test when you like sit down and you touch your toes from a sitting position. Is it dexterity?

Not really. What's that? I've never done that. You've never sat and put your feet straight out in front of you and then bent over and touched your toes? Sitting on the ground? Yeah. Sitting with your two cheeks on the ground. No, I've never done that. Like, you know, like sitting on the ground with your feet out like that and then you

lean over and you touch your toes. You do this at the GP? I think this is more at school, I guess. Okay. Yeah. And they used to test that. Okay. No, I don't remember that.

Don't remember doing that? No. Maybe they didn't do it for you. It seemed even old fashioned for me as well. Like when we were doing it. They're just really running out the clock at yeah school yeah yeah just touch your toes man you know what maybe that's where i get part of this from where you go to the doctors and they just stick a needle in you and like done

because i remember like physical tests at pe where they would do that stretching thing and then you'd have to see how many sit-ups you could do and you do all this long ass test and then like because i was just no good at sit-ups i remember just getting this shit result and like yeah this cunt's not fit at all it's like yeah i was pretty good at everything i just couldn't do any sit-ups like it was just fucking hard testing the wrong thing sit-ups are hard but sit-ups shouldn't drag down your entire fucking fitness level yeah i think the in my opinion this is a this is a hot take but in my opinion the system they used 30 30 years ago that they no longer use is no good wow yeah that's an

explosive one you heard it here not first probably i think maybe what i need to start doing because i go into the gp a lot because i'm on a lot of different prescription medications that I constantly have to go and get. Well, now it's making sense why Dr. Conrad is the face of your medical center. But it's often, it's a bit, you know, it's like I need to get it done. But it's such a speed hump in the day because it's like I realize, oh, I'm out of that pill. Oh, I'm out of the prescription for it too. All right, I'm going to need to call up in the morning, go in. You know, it's just like an annoying little thing

to have to like deviate my day to go in. I'm in there for like five seconds and she prints me out a thing. Right. But if I start going, look, I want to get these tests done. I want to get a bunch of these tests done. So then next time I need a prescription done, I'll go in, I'll get the prescription. I'll just get one of them done while I'm in there.

Yeah. So I feel like I'm kind of getting a little bit more out of my visit each time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. I go to the doctor and dentist that my wife tells me to go to. So I just go, it's nowhere near my house, but it's near her parents' house. So she's very much like, well, I just go to this one that i've always gone to and it's why don't you find your own one i don't know because she just goes just go to that one i'm like all right well it saves me from fucking looking up a new one but it doesn't save me from

going all the way out the fucking whoop whoop to there's a dentist uh like on my block where i live oh yeah and it's great i went just before we went to the UK. Oh, really? And I was like, this is so good. Like, walking out of the house two minutes before the appointment. I was like, this rules. Like, already a bit of a stressful appointment. Not having to factor in any kind of travel time whatsoever.

It's like, this is the dream. Oh, man, I've got to do this. This is dumb. I've got to start. Especially since I won't be driving too much. Yeah. You've got to stop having your wife running your life for you. It's just easy.

Stuff like that that I don't care about at all. And she's like, I've got the answer. You don't have to care at all. You do care about it because you're complaining about the travel time. I know, but I don't care enough to – I hate the idea of fucking finding out results. It's the thing where it's like at the time that it's being organized it's like I can't

be fucked doing this it's easy enough to just say cool yeah you organize it and then it comes down to it and it's like

why is this happening anyway how many more names have we got left to do man well you gotta

you gotta fuck some of these wall pussies so we better wrap it up while your

dick is still visibly hard there's a drawing i did over there of fred bassett that i've had my eye on for this entire recording uh let's do one more let's just do the uh fifth uh now okay um okay right ready for a completely new name to finish off with. Unique. Yes. All right. Here we go. Number four this week.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber Comedy McComing. Comedy McComing? Yeah. Comedy is a first name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why do you... Have you... Have we never...

I don't think we've ever had the first name comedy before. Have we had the... The surname McCumming we have, it's a running thing every week. Right, right. Oh, right. Okay. Okay, I never listen back. Right.

Last week it was like India McCumming. Right. Really? The week before that it was... God, I'm not going to listen to this. Yeah, it was Baby McComing. That's a running joke and I'm not aware of it. I'm the one who reads these out.

Yeah. That's weird. Okay. Yeah, man, I've got to get a bit of doctor. I've got to find out what's wrong with me that I don't notice that this is a running joke every week. Hitting play on an episode of this and then just going, Anyway, what's your take? What do you think, doc?

Don't just stick a needle in me. Yeah. Give me the whole... I'm going to stick something in you. Yeah. Some earbuds. And you're going to listen to this entire two hours

and then get back to me with your findings. Yeah. Oh, wonderful stuff. Yes. Oh, okay. We're not devoting any more time to...

Oh, well... No, that's fine. Comedy McComing. We don't have a lot of time. I just don't really see how they come together. Like comedy, the act of laughing at something and then McComing, one of the most serious and sacred acts on God's green earth. Have you... I remember being at school and like there always being someone at school

saying that they made a girl cum and it's always like, all right, mate. You saw that in a movie. Okay, good one. Are you being serious? Yeah, like I've never heard of anyone actually making, oh, you're going to be like that. Are you the guy that once made a girl come? All right, I get it.

Okay, we get it, everyone. You made a girl come once. All right come all right i get it okay we get it everyone you made a girl come once all right all right no but i do think that like there are men who will go like oh yeah i went home with this girl and it's like shut up what do you mean i'm saying no i just think that anytime someone is like oh mate you should have heard her all right she was like and i'm always a bit like come on and then the person will go no no i'm serious that's what you were saying i was like i don't doubt that that's what you were saying but like you you know no one needs no one wants to hear about no one wants to hear that and it's like you're saying it for yourself you're not

saying it right and i think we all understand most of us understand that there is kind of a performative aspect to sex in a lot of senses. Yeah. So anyone who's just like in there taking everything that's said as gospel. Yeah. Going like, oh, she said it was the biggest she's ever had. Yeah, yeah. It's like, shut up, bro.

And also everything that you've said or done during sex hasn't been expunged from yourself. Not expunged, that's the wrong word for it, but expelled from yourself because of your partner. Like, she hasn't forced that out of you. Like, you're taking part in the performance. Like, quite often during sex, I'll be yelling out things like oh yeah i'm not thinking about playing mario kart right now and it's just an out and out lie because just i'm picturing myself as waluigi on a little bicycle hooning around that stadium um and you know a lot of

times i'll be like i won't say anything because you know, I'll be in Thailand and I don't speak the language or whatever. Right. So, I don't. You don't want to get into any kind of classic misunderstandings. It's just like me likey as much as I can. All right. Bye, everyone. LittleDumbDumbClub.com.

Come and see us in Hobart this weekend. Yeah. Thanks for listening.ub.com. Come and see us in Hobart this weekend. Yeah. Thanks for listening. Yeah. Hey, we've got merch. We've got merch. Go to our website. If you're one of these people that just get it from wherever you get your podcasts but

don't go through the actual website, go to the website. Go to LittleDumbDumbClub.com and you can can A, join the Patreon but B, get merch and we've got albums for sale that you can still like audio comedy albums and stuff. That'd be cool.

Alright. Bye. See you mates.