The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 482 - The Best of 2019

Episode Date: December 31, 2019

They've done it again for another big year! We asked you, the listener, to vote on your favourite episodes of 2019 and now we're counting down your Top 5 picks with plenty of tangents and mucking around in-between. Can you predict which episode came in at number one? We bet you won't!ADELAIDE! We're back. Sort of. Doing our solo shows back-to-back. March 14, 2pm.BRISBANE! A huge live podcast and our solo shows. March 15, 1.30pm.MELBOURNE! Our 500th episode is on sale. It's going to be massive. April 25, 2020. 8:30pm.We've also got two smaller shows on in the lead up. April 4 & 11. 4pm. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey mates, welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo and with me, as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chan. G'day Dickhead. Hey, guess what? Um, what? Guess what? What, Tommy?

I haven't seen you. Mm, go on. I haven't spoken to you on the podcast. Go onay Dickhead. Hey, guess what? What, Tommy? I haven't seen you. Go on. I haven't spoken to you on the podcast all decade. No, it's still 2019. No, no. When people are listening to this. When people are listening. People haven't listened to this podcast

all decade. Sorry, did I just give away that the podcast isn't live? That people aren't hearing that this isn't radio after all. People are like, wow, these guys sound pretty fresh for the 1st of January. Yeah. Look, great to wake up into another decade with you by my side, Tommy Dasolo. Yes. If you are still called that this decade.

Oh, that's not a bad idea. You think I should rebrand for the roaring 20s? Exactly. Yeah. Be a Tommy flapper. decade oh that's not a bad idea yeah you think i should rebrand for the roaring 20s exactly yeah be a be a tommy flapper you and i are planning to spend new year's eve the same way we do every uh new year's eve having a bit of a smooch on the countdown when the clock hit zero i wondered what was going to happen at the end of that sentence it's like i don't know what i'm doing how do you know what i'm doing well that's improv baby i I'm doing? Well, that's improv, baby. I'm putting up a suggestion.

You got me. And then you really, what would you call that? No, no. No, it wasn't even a no, it was a what. Question mark. What and? That's like, people love to say that's the worst kind of improviser is the person that says no.

I reckon one step worse than that is someone going, so the first person in the scene goes, here we are on the beach, and the other person goes, what? Yeah, yeah, totally. You can deal with no. You can turn that into something with what. You just have to repeat the thing again. What are you talking about?

We're in a theatre. I'm confused. What's a beach? Yeah. Who are you? That's my new heckle for improv, going along to improv nights and just yelling out, what? Yeah, or someone or like the improviser goes, can we have a suggestion? What's an occupation?

And you go, I don't understand what you mean by that question. What does occupation mean? Yeah, I've been meaning to ask that as well. Guys, what is an occupation? Guys, what's an occupation? What could I do for a job? I'm lost. I came to this improv night to try and find myself,

find a new path for me in my life. That is a deep question. What is an occupation? What does occupy me? Yeah. Am I occupied just by the ditches I dig every day or am I occupied by my demons from childhood? Okay, I heard bank teller over here. Wonderful, wonderful stuff.

So that's 2020, but let's look back to last decade, the last time I saw you. Yes. Last decade. Yep. 2019, what a year. I'm tempted to use the phrase, it was a good year. That well-worn phrase, it was a good year. Well, we do typically, I think we use that phrase on, so far,

all of the best of end-of-year specials that we do. Because we've only done one of these so far. Right. Right? So, anything that we did in the first one that we now do in this one, officially it becomes a tradition. Oh, right. Okay.

Great. All right. Sweet. 2019, we were just looking back at all the episodes we did. You know, I like to think, when people talk to us about all the episodes, I like to sort of go, yeah, probably don't touch the first couple of years. Yeah. You know, it feels a bit, you know, like The Simpsons.

I think we're very, you know, our canon's very applicable to talking about the canon of The Simpsons. Yeah, that first year of the podcast where you hired a babysitter for me and the babysitter tried to kill me. Yeah. That wasn't a particularly, that was a particularly weird episode. I thought especially the first smaller episodes we did that were within the Tracy Ullman podcast.

I thought that was terrible. We're all off model. My voice sounds all weird. No, I mean, like, I just go, you know, you hear from people going, oh, I'm going back to the start. Oh, of course. Maybe, maybe start at like 100 or something.

I know. It's, yeah, it's hard to want to – I mean, I guess I can understand people wanting to go back and like really get the full picture. But, I mean, I think that's good to feel that way about anything you've created. That would be brutal if we were like, yeah, yeah, just listen to 2012. Yeah. I think there's also like a couple of crackers in there as well. But, you know, there's a lot of it's it's like i guess

uh at least we're not like some heritage music act where it's like we're only playing hits off the first out we're not the strokes you know we're not what it may be a bad comparison but we do record these episodes in separate houses via a satellite link because we can't stand to be in the same room as each other my My heroin use has gotten really out of hand. But 2019, I keep thinking, oh, these episodes are just getting better and better. But maybe I'm wrong. I don't know. We have had some good... I think the last three years have been really, really good.

I think so. I think so. I've definitely felt like each year we've gotten better and better at it. Yeah. Certainly bigger and bigger things happening. Yeah. That's undeniable. Bigger audiences, bigger downloads.

I was looking, gee, I look at the back half of this year. We had some great episodes the last, like just a bunch in a row. Yeah, some monsters. Yeah. Well, so just for context for people who maybe haven't seen this on the social, so this is us counting down the top five episodes of the year. We're going to play little clips from each episode and this was voted by you, the listening public.

We put up a little survey. People could each vote for one episode that they thought was their favourite. So, yeah, this is the list of the ones that you thought were the best. This is a clip show, but with plenty of us talking shit in the middle of it and before it and whatever. But yeah, you guys voted. I think the voting ratio was close to America.

About 95% of people stayed at home and didn't vote. Yep, that's probably fair. But you people that got time off work to come and vote for your favourite episode of 2019. Yeah, there was a little sausage sizzle going out at the front. You are proof that democracy doesn't work. I will say there's a couple

that I am surprised weren't in the mix. I think these are all great picks, but there definitely are a couple of episodes that probably warrant a bit of an honourable mention at the end. Well, I would like to hear about that at the end. I'd like to hear what you thought was going to be in there.

Were there any you were surprised by? A little bit, because I don't know how people vote, but I saw a few mentions of stuff online, and I was like, oh, okay, all right. Yeah, I wouldn't have thought that. I thought they were good episodes, but yeah. Yeah. But yeah, I am a little bit surprised.

Maybe I'll mention what I think should have been there. Yeah, okay. Yeah. But, you know, I will say I spent the better half of my 10-hour flight yesterday coming back from Hawaii editing these clips and I had a very good time because some of these are from earlier in the year so I'd kind of forgotten what was in the episode.

I kind of had to listen to pretty much all of it to sort of get a taste of which bit, which 10, 15-minute chunk I should cut out. And it was fun. It was fun to listen back. I don't listen at all and you sent me these clips so I would have some context of knowing what we were talking about. And, yeah, I was laughing. Yeah, I was laughing on the plane listening to one of these in particular.

Yeah. Now I've just become conscious that we sort of make these clip shows at the end of the year and put the best of them, natter around it. But we say to people, hey, if you're ever looking to pass a podcast on to someone else, give them this episode. looking to pass the podcast on to someone else, give them this episode. And now we're just like talking fucking very inside baseball about it up the top and probably putting some people off listening to the rest of this episode. Okay, maybe. Would you want to jump into a clip? Yes, let's do that.

So, okay. So, we're doing, how many are we doing this week? I don't know. I've got to get ready for a big New Year's Eve party that I'm having. I was thinking we'd do 20, but I think now I might not have time. What have you got on? I've got a get ready for a big New Year's Eve party that I'm having. I was thinking we'd do 20 but I think now I might not have time. What have you got on? I've got a child at home so I should get back to her.

Maybe less than 20. 10? Is that too many? I still think that's a bit too many. That's twice as much as I think we should be doing. So you think we should do half as many? Roughly. What's that again? So half of ten divided by two. Five.

Let's do five this week. And once again, a big hello to anyone listening to this episode for the first time. They've maybe been recommended by a friend that this would be a good point to start off. We're going to do five this week. Okay, so let's count them down from number five. Number five. Number five, the number five clip of this year, episode 456 with guests Cameron James and Ben Russell. Oh, right, nice. So this clip that you're about to play is, I think, is a little bit of context. We do talk about

a friend of the show in a perhaps way that, and you'll hear us describe this, in a way that we're unsure whether we should be talking about it. But now we've decided to put it on the show twice. Yes. Just in case we didn't get in trouble for it the first time. Okay, well, I'll explain the reasoning for that after the clip. But the context of this is that we had just,

I think this was like the week after we had come back from Thailand, doing our shows over there. Yes. Doing our shows over there. Yes. And the beginning of this clip is you talking about your trip back. Yes. I'm by myself. I'm talking about getting on the ferry and buying socks from a 7-Eleven, which I thought was going to be the story, but it's not.

So go and listen to the original episode because that is quite a funny little story as well. Yeah. But that's not what you're about to hear now. You're about to hear something much more nefarious. Yes, so enjoy this clip with guests Cameron James and Ben Russell. I put this in one of the Facebook groups, but this was the other thing that I bought at that exact same time. I didn't have any socks, and I was like, all right, I've got to get on the plane, right?

What the fuck is going on here? I didn't have any socks. There's two things that I think we'd like to digest here. Number one, I didn't have any socks, right? And I was going to get on a plane. You think they're checking your feet as you step on their guys to get on a plane? What is this, you cretin? This is a real thing. Because I

fly through a certain airline that I have a certain connection through. You've got to Malaysian. No. You can't rock up. Sometimes you can't rock up when you're on standby through the deal. And you can't have shorts and stuff on it's like

if you're flying as part of the deal they run their airline like you run your comedy kids yes long pants only covered shoes

seriously there's a jug and just ten minutes before we land I get the light up the back of the plane

get off in ten. All right, guys, I'm going to wrap this up. We haven't figured out who's the pilot yet. Ten minutes until departure time, just doing a quick ring around. Hughsy, you want to come fly the plane? I feel like this is a metaphor for something. Bloody hell. No, thank you.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Another one of Ben's kooky little friends. Who's that? He's coming. He's turned up. Bloody hell. Hang on.

Is QZ the stewardess here? Yeah, we want some peanuts. No, you do not. I said, no, thank you. All right. Thanks. thanks, Fleety. Hey, Fleety's really funny now. I'm not on it. I don't know what you're talking about.

Give me your jewels. Give me your jewels. Give me a jewel. Give me a jewel. You don't hear enough about just one singular jewel anymore, do you? Yeah.

It's always multiple jewels. So this character is Greg Hughesy. Greg Hughesy. The stewardess. Yeah. The stewardess thief. Yeah.

What's Greg Hughesy? Have a peanut but I want your jewel. Yeah, bloody hell. Go on. So I had... Can you just, but I want your jewel. Yeah, bloody hell. Go on. Before I start working, can you just pay me now? Before I fly this plane. People that are downstairs, they're going to hurt me.

I said, no thank you. Needs to get his jewel in advance. So, Husey, is it okay if I can pay you half the jewel before the gig and half the jewel after the gig, and by gig I mean flight? The kind of Husey element has kind of drifted out of this. I feel bad dragging Husey into this. Going through withdrawals, give me the shit. Narrowing.

Got on it. Thank you. Should we tell the Narrowing story or not? Has that not been talked about? No, I reckon we... Do you think we can? I'm not sure if we... Oh, no.

Can we tell or not? You know what? Let's tell it. Let's tell it and then let's talk to Fleety about it if he's ever on the show again. Sure. It's funny. It's funny. It's just a thing that was publicly online. Let's tell it and then let's talk to Fleety about it if he's ever on the show again. Sure. It's funny. It's funny.

It's just a thing that was publicly online. That's true. You're right, it is. But the thing is, we all know the story, so it's not that funny for us to tell it and then the other three go, yes. That is what happens. That is true.

We've had a lot of time to work this out. I'll enjoy being part of a retelling. Don't worry about that. I'll have a good time. It's a good story. Let's remember that at home people are laughing at this because this is a retelling. Don't worry about that. I'll have a good time. It's a good story. Let's remember that at home people are laughing at this because this is a funny story. This is great.

This is a funny story. So cast your mind back to what? Five months ago? Yeah, maybe five months ago. You know, the newly, the clean Greg Fleet as far as everything we can read on social media and out of his mouth and all of that sort of thing. I've changed my mind.

Let's not tell him. I can see. I think we can tell him. I think you shouldn't tell him. It's going to be a bit much editorialising going on. I can't be trusted with this story. He started by essentially saying he's a liar. Clean Greg Flea air quotes.

People at home can't hear air quotes. You can't report on an election and tell people who to vote for in the story. I can't be the News Limited version of this story. I've got to be like the BBC version of this story. I'll do my best to be the BBC. Okay, thank you. I'll be Reuters on this story. Impartial, please.

AAP. AAP it up right now. Yep. So he, clean, Greg Fleet, clean, as we all know

and believe. That's all fact. That's all, that's how you would report it, wouldn't you? Yep, yep. As a journalist?

Yep. So, he then, and I saw, I'm a good person to tell this story because I saw this. He accidentally sat on his phone and went live on Facebook.

Yes, which is like if it was someone doing it in a bit, you would go, all right, this is a lie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It never happens to sit on your phone and accidentally broadcast live. Yeah. Let alone what he broadcasts. Yeah. How could you possibly do that? So then it was – I was watching it and going, what's going on here? let alone what he broadcasts yeah how could you possibly do that

so then it was I was watching it and going what's going on here like because I watched it just after it had been recorded so it had been recorded and kept back up

and I'm like well someone's keeping this back up bubble gum yeah love heart react but for it to be stored like you're like well this has got to be something

this has got to be something so I'm watching it and it's like a 10, 15-minute video or whatever, and it's just Fleety being pretty incoherent in a very dark, dilapidated room and going, what's going on here? And there's just music playing and just him mumbling, and then he just stops talking, and it's like, oh, this is boring. There's nothing. I scanned to the end.

I didn't hear all of it. I was like, I was thinking this would be good. This could go into some groups and stuff on Facebook what a detective boring I staked him out

for about 15 minutes snooze fest he was just cleaning knives there was nothing interesting going on who wants to watch 15 minutes of

Greg Fleet's ass though honestly so I'm listening I'm skipping through there's nothing I could pick all right i'm out and then the next day uh he puts up a thing that he's then what recorded to camera that says yeah uh he goes look some people may have seen that video that accidentally we got recorded yesterday um just guys i want you to know that was all just a joke. We were just pretending to record an ad for a

product called Neruin. It's like a sketch. It's a sketch fake ad where we were using a product called Neruin. That's why you probably heard me say something that sounded like heroin. We were doing one of those classic sketches where you say, pass over

the Neruin so I can inject it into my vein. And then I'd fall asleep for ten minutes. Right. My character in the sketch was on the nod, which is why I looked that way in the video. Which is funny. Because they were very concerned that something was going on. It's a long-form sketch in which I sleep for 15 minutes.

Shooting it in real time. Yeah, literally. demons. Shooting it in real time. Yeah, literally. Well, it's like

that fucking gravity, you know, it's one shot. One shot. It's one shot. What is it, Birdman?

Yeah, same, same director. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a real meth head actor.

Very much like the Birdman, like Charlie Bird. I think he was on the same stuff. So, Narrow One. I think they're both on Narrow One. So yeah, he. He's a real meth head actor. Very much like the bird man, like Charlie Bird. I think he was on the same stuff. So, narrow one. I think they were both on narrow one.

So, yeah, he said it's for a sketch. It's a sketch that you will be seeing very soon. Yeah, yeah. Part of the thing that we will be seeing very

soon. And then I think a friend of the show, Nick Cody commented, cool, when's this sketch coming out? And then he goes, oh, it's actually part

of this bigger thing. And Cody goes, cool, when's that bigger thing coming out? So, at the date of recording, what is it, the 29th of June 2019, this sketch is yet to materialise. We're keeping an eye out for narrowing. Keep an eye out for narrowing.

Sounds like a real gut buster. It's the Chinese democracy of comedy sketches, so it's going to be good. So you've told us what he's saying in this apology video that he put up. Yes, exactly. Now describe to us the setting that he's filmed the video in. Well, look, again, I can't wait to see the sketch because a lot of the budge has gone into transforming a normal house into looking exactly like a meth lab.

Yeah. It looks incredible. I don't know how they found something that would look like that in Adelaide, but somehow they did it. Somehow they did it. So it's him in a would look like that in Adelaide, but somehow they did it. Somehow they did it. So it's him in a backyard of just... In Adelaide. The worst looking...

You know, about four bits of cars strewn around the background. It's a piece of shit old weatherboard house. He's gone full method, like literally full method for this sketch. That video was a favourite of ours for a couple of days and then he got rid of it. But at that point I think... Too much hype. I think people were getting too...

Too many people were asking when's it coming out and he was probably getting harassed a lot. And it really built the hype for me. By fans, by the police, by a lot of people. Well, I think Facebook asked him to take it down because it was crashing their servers. Right. Because we were watching it.

Viral marketing for the narrowing out. Literally viral marketing. Literally, if the first bit isn't a great sketch, the second bit is a great sketch. Where it's like a sketch, and I presume this is how he's written that sketch, is imagine if you did such a bad job of accidentally uploading a video of you doing heroin that you were

three years old and thought calling something narrowing was going to get away with it. I love the brainstorming session. Okay guys, I've got to make this shit up. What can I have been on? And he's like, narrowing? Take the rest of the day off

boys. Took the day off after I wrote that. I'm actually a lot of narrowing. But maybe this is Take the rest of the day off, boys. Took the day off after I wrote that. I'm actually a lot of narrowing. But maybe this is all, maybe this is kind of a new sort of form of media that he's trialling it. You know, the sketch is, like we're in the sketch right now.

Oh my God. This is it. I've seen the videos and discussing it. This is it. This is the new Blair Witch Project. This is Black Mirror. What if Greg Fleet is real life? What if?

It's the ultimate hypothetical. What if Greg Fleet was on heroin? Oh, and they certainly had done it again that week, hadn't they? They had. We're going to have done it again five times this week. And then another time overall, I think, six. It feels weird to do it again six times. You were saying to me on the way in,

should we do the links in the clips and then do a talking dum-dum for the episode? Yeah. I love the idea where just the two of us wrap up just the two of us talking about clips. Let's do that for like five minutes at the end then. Let's actually do that. Just a little cool down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

So there you go. Great fun. Great fun episode. Ben Russell's first appearance on the show. Very fun with those two guys. And yeah, we do end up talking a lot more. We pick up the story. If you go and listen to the actual full ep,

you will hear the end of the story about Carl buying socks for this flight that he was getting. And that is a better story than how it sounds. Well, that's the thing. I wanted to put that – I thought I'd put that clip in as the, you know, as the highlight of this episode. But the whole chat goes for so long and it was too hard to cut anything out of it. So that's why I went with narrowing over that oh no that's funny i thought uh go in and just uh check that

check that whole episode out because there's heaps of great stuff in there and uh yeah we haven't got in trouble for doing that story or anything like that which i guess how are we going to get in in trouble how does someone who you know takes a fictional allegedly takes a fictional drug you know, takes a fictional, allegedly takes a fictional drug in a sketch. Yep. Oh, and, you know, that's also what I thought would be interesting to include. Just to do another timestamp and check in. Oh, yeah, right. It's now, as we're recording this, it's the 29th of December 2019.

Still no sketch. Still no sketch. Still no sketch, or what was it? Bigger thing that it was a part of. Yes, right. So Nick Cody's still asking him. He's still hassling him. That was in sketch or what was it? Bigger thing that it was a part of. Yes, right. So Nick Cody's still asking him. He's still hassling him. That was in June, wasn't it?

That was in June or July. End of June. End of June, right. So, wow, there's a lot of post-production. Six months on. Yeah. This thing's going to look good if they're putting that much time into it. It's going to be a lot better than die on your feet.

The other thing he made, the thing he actually made. We really love playing with fire, don't we? What's the consequences of us getting in trouble with ladies? Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. Well, like I said... I'm not going to ask for 20 bucks from you for a week. Yeah, but like I said in the actual clip,

you know, us talking about that, it was on the internet. You're right. It was publicly available on the internet for about a week. So we're not really telling stories out of school. Yes. That was just a thing that we had observed in the street. We're telling stories within school. Yes.

We're in school telling stories. We're in school going, check out this thing about school. Yeah. Is that – that does seem like a weird thing to to do never quite understood that saying yeah telling stories telling tales out of school so what when you're at what happens at school stays at school yeah which begs the question what the fuck was happening at your school yeah that sounds like that sounds like something bad was happening which you should be talking about yeah and. And if it's so bad, like, you probably shouldn't be talking about it at school either.

Yes. So the meaning of that saying is don't gossip, right? Right. Is that what it... I think so. Telling tales out of school. So it's like you tell me something and then I relate to someone else and I'm like, not to, you know, not to tell tales out of school, but Carl was doing this.

Yeah. So it's basically, it's like, I'm not meaning to gossip. So that means if you're telling tales out of school, but Carl was doing this. Yeah. So it's basically, it's like, I'm not meaning to gossip. So that means if you're telling tales out of school, that's gossiping with someone else. That means if you're telling tales in school, you're only telling the tale back to the person it happened to. So it's like... Yeah.

You confide in me and then I'm like, check out what I heard. Well, it's me saying to you, hey, Tommy, I heard that you wanked. Guess what I heard? I heard you wanked off a ball right and you're going yeah i know i was there you heard that from me and i'm like oh cool i just need to say it to someone because i'm not allowed to tell tales out of school yeah this is me telling tales in school which you have done to me a couple of times probably you've, check out this one that I heard. And I'm like, you heard that from me and I told you not to tell anyone. Always good.

Always good to catch someone out doing that. Yeah. I don't think I've done exactly that. I don't think you've told me not to. I don't remember you ever telling me don't tell anyone this story. Because that would be unrealistic as well to say to bother saying that yeah yeah yeah good point yeah maybe early on in our friendship i may have done it before i realized this is a this is a full yes yes it might be true but anyway we are certainly

we are certainly not telling tales out of school when we say that in regards to that clip, they had done it again. And he had certainly done it again. Oh, man. Really good. As I was listening back to that clip, it did make me, I did get a bit of a wave of sadness come over me that I was unable to go back and watch both of those clips again. Yeah. That fucking, that video, the like apology video that he made,

was honestly, I reckon hourly. I was watching that because I did get a sense that this will come down pretty soon. Yeah. This, this video is days and numbers. So I've really got to get, I wish I'd done a screen recording or something of it.

Cause it, fuck it was funny. He is a great example of like a guy that doesn't quite understand the internet. And so like an example of something he would do without being a specific example, he would accidentally say, you know, say he'd accidentally killed a cat. No one saw it.

But then he'd get on the internet and say to everyone, hey, I know I killed that cat, everyone, but I'm sorry about that. And people would be like, like hang on you killed a cat yeah we had no idea yeah yeah we had no idea what the fuck are you killing cats for and then him just broadcasting everyone all right just leave me alone i know look it was sure it was two cats all right i'll admit that now and then everyone's like what the fuck is going on yeah we should just your point is all wrong yeah we very clearly should state Fleety has never killed a cat.

Well, that we know of. Well, that we... I just don't... Now we really are getting into actual libelous territory. This is a completely hypothetical imagined scenario. Well, put it this way. When it comes to narrowing, curiosity did kill a cat. Oh, someone's at my fucking door.

All right, should we just set up quickly the next clip? Yes. I'll just text him. Let's do that. So number four, this is the number one most popular episode of 2019. What's number four? What did I say? You said number four, the number one most popular episode.

I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. The statisticians at home going, what the fuck? Yeah, sorry. The statisticians at home going, what the fuck? Sorry. Statisticians. Yeah, number four, most popular episode of the year is episode number 473 with Will Anderson and Tom Ballard. This is relatively recent. This was at Shea Anderson. All of them are relatively recent.

They were all within the last 12 months, to be fair. Yeah, and of course, relative to what? Deep. Yeah, this was great fun. Ballard hadn't been on in a while. Will hadn't been on in a while. We somehow sort of accidentally got into talking about your process. Yes.

Of comedy writing. Yeah. And people will hear us pick it up basically from there. Yeah? Yes. Sorry. Anything to add? No, no.

I thought you were just leaving it hanging to go straight into the episode. What I would add is – no, I'll add something after it. Okay. But I think – yeah. I'll talk how my process has changed since this episode. Oh, wow. After it. Okay, interesting.

This is really justifying the clip show format. Yeah. People getting a little bonus. Yeah. All right, enjoy this. This is the number four clip of 2019, Will Anderson and Tom Ballard. Give us a premise and see if we can guess the punchline

Oh yeah that's good See how well we know Carl Chandler's like you know kind of comedic rhythm Give us a set up and see if we can guess where you're going

with it I don't know if I've got any of that stuff with me to be honest That's in my notebook Someone's missing the premise of set list I did have my set list missing the premise of set list.

I did have my set list. I did have my set list. Oh, fuck. I've got some notes here. Oh, here we go. Some notes. By the way, Carl has just pulled out of his backpack like he's the Unabomber.

Yeah, yeah. He's like scrawled manifestos. Just loose scrunched up. Origami style scrunched up pieces of paper. And shit loads of hair too. What's all that hair doing in your bag? Getting something special for Tommy for the 500. What I want to know is if these aren't jokes,

what are these loose bits of paper? Do you believe that your comedy doesn't aspire to be in like, they honestly look like fortune cookies or something. This is not the real deal. I've got my book at home. Then what is it? This is, when I write, I walk down the street and I just have, I don't know why,

but I have pieces of paper that I rest on my notebook. I don't write in the notebook because that would be silly. What? I write, and if they're good enough, then they go in the notebook. It's quite a process. It's quite a process. It's quite a process. So you're writing as you're walking?

Yes. That's insane. So even in physical form, the bits have to do open mic before they go to the notebook. Yes. Yes. Good news, you got passed at page six. It's such a fine line between like crazy man on the side of the street

going the aliens are in your brain and you walking down writing a notebook maxi golf mini golf I'm well aware if anyone's looking at me

I used to go up and down Rivizar Road now I go up and down Bridge Road it's either me stopping in front of people on bikes or wheelchairs and blocking people

on footpaths by writing in a little notebook on top of a little notebook or it's me pulling out a metal spoon and eating moose on the side of the street as well. So I'm well aware that people that live anywhere near Bridge Road think that there's a fucking absolute madman living amongst them.

I can't even mentally picture the image of someone riding while walking. I know. Like, my brain won't allow me to, like, put those two actions together. It absolutely happens. Because I kind of feel like it looks better than stopping and riding. I don't know. I don't know which one's better. I reckon by the time you've made the decision to

write while you're out in public, don't draw a line in the sand. You've already committed to something that people are going to look at and go, that's weird. You're not ever tempted to get the phone out and use the notes function? Just like, type it in there? No. I don't know why. I think I've lost a few notes

that way. Okay. Unlike this foul-proof system. You should do a show where it's just like a lucky dip. You just take your backpack out and you just pull out random premises. That's not bad. It's actually not bad at all. Have we got anything here? Please.

What are those just read something that's on those I've got a mix of goodbye cruel words fuck directions to the west gate handwritten

series of notes to all his loved ones dear Millard please buy blanket at her first shop it's oh god Please buy Blanket at first shot Oh god I just wish there was I don't know

I don't know whether any of this is good enough It's all just drawings of Thailand Isn't it? This is everyone's worst nightmare as a comic For someone to go through their notebook And just read something out loud That's not finished That's not good enough

and everyone's wildest fantasies to be on the other side it's a workshop this is a safe space we're not going to make fun of you we're here to help you

be better at comedy now I don't think you write your notes in big enough fun to remind you to yell them when you're on stage that's the ballad tip you don't have to

read the full joke out Will's idea is a great way just give us the premise and then we can have a crack and then you can mock all right far off we okay okay okay well there's this um we'll say things off the top of our head which is a process even before scrolling them on a weird piece of paper concrete mixer oh Interesting You like this? It's a fertile ground for you Concrete mixer What is it? Like a social event Where concrete just hangs out

With each other? Oh Not bad Thank you All of a sudden I feel a lot better About what I've written down Well go on

But there must Or is it something like a Like a mixed drink Like a spirit Soda water kind of relationship? Is that the path we're going down? No, it's not. Wow.

It's not. Okay. Now we're asking for, is this the new show? You're asking for clues on how a joke goes. Because that's amazing. On how your joke goes. Yeah, yeah. Because normally they're just like.

This is a show that we're pitching to Amazon. Guess my funny. It's like, so basically it's some version of what's the deal with concrete mixers? Yeah, you're right. You know, why is concrete soft and then it gets hard? Yeah. What is it, my dick? There we go.

Here we go. Fuck yeah. There we go. Hey, hey, that's making me feel uncomfortable. Daddy doesn't care. Go on, what's your concrete mixer? Is that it? Are we cutting to the chase now?

No okay Yeah Are there any more guesses? What? Concrete mixer You know who has mixes? DJs I know the Avalanches

Oh nice Unfortunately the crowd at Spleen Are a bit too young Even They're not going to be impressed Let alone anyone else in the world these days But they They're not going to be impressed, let alone anyone else in the world these days, but they're definitely not going to be impressed. Give me a clue.

Is it about the concrete mixer itself or is it about the person who operates a concrete mixer? The mixer itself. The mixer itself. It's about the... Maybe concrete mixer is not the... You know what I'd like to put in the back of a concrete mixer? Chocolate mousse and combine it with...

These are jokes, not my dream diary. Cement mixer. So I mean, by cement mixer, I meant the ones that are like vehicles. Big circular back. Yes. Because that was what I... In your heads, guys,

you've got to have the very like cartoon world picture of the cement mixer because that's how a lot of Carl's jokes function, like he's in Bugs Bunny Land. Pianos falling on people's heads. Yeah, half of my material is written by Hanna-Barbera. Is it about the cement mixer's relationship with other vehicles? I think so, yes.

Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Sort of, yes. Yeah. You're going down the right track. Is it about the idea that you combine cement mixers with Ubers and you can have some sort of Uber start?

Too current for me, I'm afraid. Okay, sorry. Hey, quickly, to the listeners, pause the episode now, get in the Facebook group, have a guess of what you think it is before you listen to the rest of the episode. Yes. Write Chandler's joke for him.

Six months to go until Comedy Festival. Yeah, this is great. You just post 40 of these. Try and guess what premise I came up with, everyone. Oh, what about... Show done. Does it start with something like, do you think cement mixers ever look at other cars and think, is that the sort of premise that we're looking for?

Is it like the hole of the cement mixer and how that might look like an arsehole? No. I think Will's way closer to it. Will's more of a joke technician, whereas I don't know what the fuck you're on about, Bella. I thought we were brainstorming. I haven't been laid in a long time.

You're in some faraway tree. I don't know how you come up with your material. I want a fucking cement mixer. You know how the Batuta Advocate got in trouble for having joke stories that had ads that they weren't being... I bet there's a super cynical person listening to this going, they're in bed with big cement mixers. They've been talking about cement mixers for half an hour now

for seemingly no reason. This guy has one on his set list. We just talked about Crown's new Thai restaurant for ten minutes. I think it's a bit more obvious than that. Are we at the end? Yeah, yeah. You want it now?

Yeah, I want it now. All right. So this is something... This is... This is not something that I think works. This is not something great. Oh, this is going to be

fucking awesome. But there's something in it. I like this. You've asked for it. All right. All right, let's see if I can get this. Okay. Fuck, now I've got to fucking decipher what I've written.

Can I just very quickly ask before you do read it out? Yes, please. I've been thinking about this the whole time. Slowly, if you like. So you write on these bits of paper that you're using a notebook as like a mini table. Yes. It's like a travelling table. Very small table, yes.

So those bits of paper, where did they come from? Where are you? Is there a secondary notebook out there? They come from another pad. There's a processing place, all right? They come from a special disposable pad that you're allowed to rip pages off. Okay, right. The pages in the book aren't allowed to be ripped off.

Right. They've got to stay in there. And then they go into your genius mole skin that you carry around. Yes. And then obviously the spare pieces of paper

go in the backpack once you've finished. Why? Which bit is confusing? It's like the Joan Rivers documentary where she's got all those drawers with all the

catalogue jokes and stuff. Except you're just a hoarder. What the fuck is this? This category here is for cement based comedy. That's the food section.

So, just one more little thing. Please, two or three more if you'd like. why don't you

keep, what's wrong with the original notebook that you can't just write the notes in that notebook without tearing out the pages and taking them out of the notebook? I think because –

Because they're already in a notebook. You're adding a step of having to take them out of a notebook before you put them back into another notebook. I constantly complain about how little time he has. Mate, you know what? If you cut out that bit of the process, you could write without walking. You could sit down to eat your moose.

Just so you know, you're not inventing the wheel. I know my wheel's fucked. I know this is a dumbass wheel concept, but I'm committing to it for some reason. And if he wasn't walking while he was doing it, he wouldn't have gone past that construction site, which presumably influenced this wonderful joke that we're about to hear. I was 10 years ago.

Were you walking down the street riding on the back of a notebook dressed in pyjamas? Yes, and I walked past a cafe and it had a very interesting menu. Oh, that's how it happened. Inside the actor's studio. Oh, God. Go on. So, yeah, so I write on a bit of paper and then I can scribble.

I like to think that the Moleskine notebook, they're such a nice product. There's nothing better than a really good hard-backed notebook and I want to scribble in it and make it look like some sort of madman. You know, I want to get it right on these disposable slips of paper. Put it on a table.

Give it the respect it deserves. Yeah, exactly. If the joke's good enough, it gets to be leaned on a table when I get home. Wow. Right. That's how you earn respect from me.

Joke. Okay. Right. So we're clear with that process. That makes complete sense now, right? Well, sure. You're probably adopting it yourself now. I get it.

Right. Okay. I get it. Right. Okay. I mean, I have been looking to do this. You have been looking for a few more processes to put into place. Yeah. This is why we hate the question, where do you get your ideas? Because it comes to this level of detail. Wouldn't it be great, though, if this was actually the answer we gave when people asked us that question?

Like, well, I have a process. Now, I have two packs. One backpack. It's not that the question is boring. The answer is too interesting. How long have you got? Is this 3,000 words, right? Okay, so I have a spoon.

Just for context. I have a spoon. Please, for the love of God, put us out of our misery. Is this it? We've talked about the process. And put you into a new form of misery. We've talked about the process. What does it produce?

Right, okay. Wow, you guys are really going to want to get this new system when you hear this. I don't think we've built it up too much. Right. No, I don't think at all. And, you know, notoriously comedians are very good laughers at jokes. This is going to go off when you do it in the solo show.

Great. There's no way this is going into the solo show. Oh, it's a deleted scene. It'd be a great idea for a TV show. Yeah, guys, let's pretend we're on a show and we're not allowed to laugh.

Oh, okay. No, no, no. You don't need to pretend. Don't worry. Actually, this is better. So this is the show. So the joke comes out. The joke comes out.

The joke comes out. Some sweet visuals having at the moment, by the way. The joke comes out and then you three are the judges. So you get to pass judgment on this joke. Okay. All right. Perfect. And what are you dressed up as?

Like a robot or a squid or? Oh, the Joker, of course. So, concrete mixers. Yes. Now, here's the first question. Is that how I would convey that to an audience? Is that part of it? Do people know?

No. Do people know that that's what they're called when they're driving along as a van? Are they concrete mixers or cement mixers? Cement cement mix cement mix yeah i reckon people would say cement mixes yeah cement mixes okay let's say that so are they cement mixes or are they concrete mixes because they're mixing the concrete do you use them that's what you probably do right you put the cement in the water and the other shit the sand and whatever into the cement mixer and then it becomes concrete is it a concrete mixer because it's mixing the concrete or is it a cement mixer because it's...

Well, whatever those big trucks are. Carl getting up on stage. You'll never see one of them big trucks. She knows what I'm talking about. All right. All right. We got to do it. Okay, so visually it's the visual, it's the truck.

It's the truck. As long as you guys know exactly what I'm talking about, when I say cement mixer, cement mixer. We're settled on that. And the audience at home, whatever that term means to you. Well, no, I'm telling you what that term means, and that is that. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Don't make up your own mind. Yes. No, no, no, no. There are two genders. Concrete and cement. Don't tell people I have the freedom to make up whatever they want within my joke. Picture a pink horse with

a fucking big spine coming out of its head when you hear cement mixer. You go for it. Make up your own jokes within my joke. If my joke isn't funny, make a new one. Hey, language is a construct, folks. Make up your own mind. Yeah, if you're not laughing, that's your imagination's fault. You're not thinking of something funnier.

That's on you. Just picture The Simpsons if you know the joke. Earlier seasons. I insist, seasons 3 through to 11, anything outside of that is on you. Google monorail. All right, I think we've had a lot of False starts But I think We're finally ready

Is this the last bit Of the podcast Where are we up to We're in overtime Oh okay Alright Great Alright

We do this And then we get The three judges And then we're out Okay Alright Great Fuck

This is The worst gig I've ever had already I think I'm almost More nervous than you Don't be like that. You've got to be relaxed. It's been such a build-up though.

I know, I know. It's like... So, concrete mixers. When you see a concrete mixer like driving down the street, the back part of it's always rotating, right? Because it's got to keep rotating

to keep that concrete liquid. Because if it stops, it becomes less of a concrete mixer and more of just a heavy truck. Okay. You laughed, you're out. Okay. Right. Thoughts I reckon

Keep in mind This is not in the book I think if you started Doing that regularly At gigs It would become Known on your set list As heavy truck

Yeah Maybe No Yeah maybe But I don't But you can't Name a joke After the

Let's say Punchline Can I say If you perform that joke at a comedy club, I would laugh. Now, that's not the same as it being funny. That's like saying Ben Lomas would laugh. Yes. That's not a good thing.

I would laugh at you doing that, yes. Yes, right. It's a no from me. You are not going to send it. My initial thoughts, honestly, are self-serving in that i'm i was feeling worried are you working on a concrete mix a bit well no i'd i'd felt worried that like i'd lost my comic ability but by not being able to guess it but now i realize i was misled by the idea that it was a joke of something i was looking in the completely wrong category

you were looking for a murderer where the victim had committed suicide. And I'm no expert, but I reckon they'd done it again. You're right. You are no expert. That's correct um yes so look a couple points to be made off the back of that um very conscious at the time that it that that chunk isn't an ideal ad for my comedy festival show so also that again you should go back and listen to the full episodes of all of these clips, because they're all great.

This clip in particular, heavily abridged in the format you've just heard. But you're not taking out bad bits, just for time. Yeah, I took out a lot of, because there were so many asides in this episode. We're talking about the one thing for about 45 minutes, and veering in and out.

Not a great ad for my comedy festival show, Carl Chandler. Please call me Carl. Mr. Comedy was my father. But look, that joke, and again, joke, heavy quotation marks, not in the show. Things that are actually jokes are in the show. Right. But it's, yeah, and we are what?

We're going to, in 2020, we're going to Adelaide with our new shows. We're going to Brisbane. We're going to Melbourne. 2020, we're going to Adelaide with our new shows. We're going to Brisbane. We're going to Melbourne. That's all within March and April. Get on the website and have a look at that. But you know what? Since then, I've slightly abridged my version of writing.

Okay. The two notebook process, the scrap bits of paper, then if they're good enough, end up in the main notebook that you work on as you're walking down Bridge Road. Yes. Now, I've added more to the process now. Right. So, what happens? So, you haven't abridged it.

Well, I've changed it. Okay. Yeah. Which is, I now walk down Bridge Road with the notebook out, with the scraps of paper on top of the notebook, on the mini table, the backpack on. And I now read a book while I'm walking down the street as well. So one hand has the book? Yes. Other hand is holding the notebook?

I've got – well, I've sort of – you know, it's a big book, so I'm going to have to use maybe both. Like just different books, like things to sort of give me ideas. So you literally, and I talk about this in the clip, the cartoon version of the world that you live in. Yeah. This is going to end with you falling down a manhole. Yeah, I know. It's like I feel like people are on the verge of telling me off

because it's like the old school version of texting on my phone without looking up and just walking down the street. I'm just reading a book and walking down the street. It's arguably worse because it's harder to quickly put away. Yes. Yes. So I'm reading the book. I've got the notebook sort of behind the book. And then I'm pulling it out and putting it on top of the book book if I have a particularly good idea. Right. Put the paper on heart of the book and then i'm pulling it out and putting on top of the book book

uh if i have a particularly good idea right paper on top of that book right yeah so you're reading what like a novel or um anything i think's got like uh not a novel but more interviews and stuff like that okay where just words will give me an idea of a subject for a subject. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I have thought – Do we need another episode for this?

Yeah, I think this is being wasted here in this bit of this episode. Okay. Like I have thought in the past, you know, if I've been on a train or a tram and I've been reading a book and then I've gotten to the stop and, you know, it's like sometimes you're just like mid-sentence or whatever. You're up to a very compelling part of the book. Like, oh, this is such a bummer having to put this away. I have every now and then thought, oh, maybe I could just finish this chapter as I'm in motion walking down the street.

Yeah. And then I've never gone through with it because I realized that would be madness. Yes. Well, I just remembered as well because this looks worse than what it is. But so while I'm doing that, while I'm reading a book, walking down the street with a notebook in the hand as well and the pen. It just rolls off the tongue. Yeah.

Two all beef patties. Super California. I've also got headphones in as well. Oh, my God. But I'm not listening to anything. It's just a habit. I just have them in and I'm not listening to anything. You often will turn up here with headphones in and be talking

to me for maybe 10 minutes with the headphones still in. Yeah, I've got a bad habit for that, but I'm very rarely listening to anything. I just have them in for some reason. It's like my security blanket for my ears. So anyone seeing you in the street, let's assume...

And there has been... By the way, shout out also, since I've been talking about it, shout out to a bunch of people who have seen me in Bridge Road since then. Oh, what a sight. That have yelled out and said stuff. How did they know it was you? Someone the other day I walked past and someone,

as I walked past with the hardback book out, headphones in, the notebook in the hand, the pen, everything, someone, as I walked past, someone just went like this. As I right walked past, someone went, heavy truck. Great. Yeah. Great. Already had that idea, cunt. But anyone who doesn't know you, so just strangers.

Yep. And it's like they're saying, and as far as they know, stuff is coming out of the headphones yeah so even just like through a one-man band happening yeah you're exactly yeah you're taking in a book yeah you're presumably listening to like a podcast or music or whatever but it's not just enough for you to be heavily consuming of media yeah you've also got i'm creating ready to be creating your own stuff as well it's just like that image just anyone seeing you like how much stimulation does one person need at once? What could you add to the – is there really – because you've got no hands free. You've got – I guess you could –

I could be jogging. You could be jogging. Yeah, that's in a different realm. But that's another thing happening. You could have – That's finally giving something for my bored legs to do. That's true. Yeah.

You could have – so you've got the book open, one page of the book. You've got your phone resting on it and you're watching some content on the – so it's like you can be reading on one page but then also in your periphery, you've just got like the matrix playing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know like those – not cabs but like those ubers like those full-time ubers that are set up that are like um you know we've got the full sound they've got the whole sound system and they've got like a fucking show playing in there

as well and yeah yeah um i'm trying to think i think that would be that's the if you could get a screen into the mix that's really then you're you're at full capacity. Yeah, yeah, that's fair. I'll work on it. No, I think I'm at full capacity. I think you're going to need to start... I don't think this can carry on for too long. No. I think you're going to burn yourself out.

Yeah. You know what? This just sounds stressful. It is a bit. It just sounds like just an intense walk. Yeah. But hey, it's producing stuff. Yeah, yeah.

At the moment. Yeah. Yeah. I had to, because I felt I had to up the stimuli because it was, the way I was doing it was like getting decreasing results. So, you know, it's like exercise. No, I know what you mean. All of a sudden you get to a certain level and then you have to spike it up to get new

results out of yourself. But I think you'll get to a point where you'll realize that yeah i mean of course like you need inspiration from other places during the day you know like a word might set you off or whatever yeah but you kind of gather them during your day yeah and then they go into a maybe saved in the notes in your phone yeah and then you can go back to the back to the – you can give the two notebook system the attention that it really deserves. Right, yeah. Look, I'll work on paring it down to just simply walking down the street

writing directly into a notebook one day. Do you ever go on any just like pure leisure walks? No, it's a bit boring. I'm a bit – not spoil, it's the wrong word, but yeah, it seems a bit – I feel a bit not spoiled it's the wrong word but yeah it seems a bit i feel a bit naked yeah i know what you mean yeah yeah you get used to it it's like jogging it's like going for a jog and then you can't find your headphones you're like what am i just supposed to fucking have my own thoughts in my head for the next half hour yeah yeah it's like no i need distraction i went for the first time um oh my god i went i went for

a run the other day i used to do this all the time years and years ago we talked about this but i went for a run with my wife the other day for the first time in ages because i mean a she was pregnant for a long time and then b we have a child so it's hard to yep leave a baby at home by itself and just go for a jog together um but uh my parents were around so they they looked after a little blanket and we went for a jog together for the first time in more than a year and it was just yeah it's it makes it a lot easier as i've talked about before this is my favorite way of running he's running with someone else because you i find myself concentrating on them rather than me.

Right. You're thinking about them, about what they're saying to you or how they're going. And I don't think about myself at all. Okay. So it's easier. But God, it was a nightmare because she's not used to running off a treadmill now and she's not used to running it anywhere near my pace. Right.

And so it was fucking horrific horrific the noises she was making just screaming and like people being genuinely concerned and all looking at me like i've had something to do with this yeah it's like i'm doing nothing like she was making honestly she made such worse noises during this than childbirth wow absolutely no comparison interesting and it was just running will you just go if you ever She made such worse noises during this than childbirth. Wow. Absolutely no comparison. Interesting. And it was just running.

Well, you just go, if you ever have another child and she's like, you know, in the room giving birth, you just got to remind her like, hey, it's not as bad as that run. Yeah, exactly. It's not as bad as running up a hill in Anglesey. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking, oh, it was so bad. It was like, I'm jogging and trying to do the mime for an excuse. Right, and it's just made worse by you going,

I have nothing to do with this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, I started running in front of her because I'm like, well, it can't be my fault if I'm in front. Right. You know what I mean? I can't be held responsible if someone behind me is making noise. Right.

That makes sense, right? Yeah. Yeah. I guess so. That makes sense, right? Yeah. Yeah. I guess so. That's just simple physics. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe not simple physics.

Let's get into the next clip on the countdown. This is... What are we up to? Number... Number three. This is episode number 470, Yumi Steins and Josh Earle. This was a very popular ep this year. Would this be one that you were surprised by?

I thought it would be number one. Oh, really? Yep. Okay. Yep. All right. I just think because it got, I don't know, and I guess it's probably the fact that it's just a very different kind of episode for us.

So I kind of feel like it's stuck out for a lot of people, probably more so than some other ones. But yeah, I thought, I thought this was really fun to do. I thought Yumi was very generous and gracious with us, very funny and very interesting. And yeah,

I felt like I got, I certainly had a lot of friends listen to it who don't always listen to the pod. Like maybe they dip in and out and they listen to this because of Yumi being on it. And then were messaging me going like, that was fucking such a good episode. Great. Yeah. Okay.

I did enjoy listening to it back. Just saying. Yeah. Yeah. No, it was. All right. Well, let's listen and then we'll talk about it after that. and then we'll talk about it after that.

Like I said, there's plenty of boys that listen to this show. And, you know, Tommy's single, so I thought maybe... Good acting looking shock to you. I noticed when you came in, Carl was talking about his kid. You asked Josh if he had kids. No need to ask me. She was just like, whose kid is this? Have you got maybe three tips of what boys should know? About?

About girls. I think even the people here should know more about girls, but definitely the listeners of this show. What's something that we should know that guys don't know? I have so much advice about that. Well, three is fine. Well, maybe I'll just start with one because this one might bring us undone. But this is something I'd like to tattoo somewhere or sculpt in stone.

And it's quite sexual, so just bear with me. Nice. When you're a straight man having sex with a straight woman tommy heard of it remember that i'm married i've just had a child so i'm struggling to remember as well men uh have a tendency and this is very universal to go straight for your pussy. Right. And women really would love it if you would delay that.

Go straight to the... I was going in, I was like, what am I doing? The pornos I've been watching are right. So there's so much... So you're saying that's that's that's in any shape or form in terms of hand mouth anything else absolutely in any we're using anything just leave it alone for as long as you can don't go there and then uh use your imagination to think of all the places that it's lovely for a woman to be touched. So I think for a man, it's really lovely to be touched on your penis.

I've heard of it. Not the thing that came to mind for me, first of all. Really? Absolutely was. I can't remember another part of my body. The mistake is that men think that the same applies to women and it really doesn't. So there's... So we are different.

There are beautiful ways that you can get into the language of sex and stimulation that don't involve the pussy. Right. Like even the hands, hair. Yeah. It doesn't even have to be something where you have to remove items of clothing. So, if you picture this like a graph, right?

Now we're talking. I'm so sorry to get so sexual. No, this is great. So, I always think of it as, so this is time on the X axis. Right, that's down the bottom. Yep, and on the Y axis, this is arousal right okay right so arousal going straight up i like it so um let's say you do a lot of touching and kissing and

necking and nuzzling all the things that women really like right you're gonna across time you're gonna get the woman really really really aroused it's gonna go up in a lovely straight it's going up right now yeah right the minute you put your finger on or in her pussy it's not the go up in a lovely straight line. It's going up right now. Right? The minute you put your finger on or in her pussy, the arousal is not going to go up anymore. It's going to flatline. So the later you leave that moment, the more horny she will get, which means the whole sexual experience for her will be so much better.

The minute you stick your fingers there, that's it. She's not going to go any further. Right. Oh, my God, I've got to make some phone calls. So just delay that. There's a bunch of other places that you can touch. So that's part one of that. Part B is when you are touching it.

Fuck, this is confusing. Part one and part B. There's so much about women that's mysterious to me. They just go from numbers to letters. No wonder I fucking got no idea. They're bloody speaking their own language. Okay, so sorry. Part two, not part three. Part two of that is once you are there in the underpants area,

what you're touching, so imagine the pressure that you're applying is a 10, right? Aim to do it at a one. Right. This is universal as well. Men generally, and that's tongue, hands, whatever, penis. Imagine just dial it right back, and then if she wants more, she can ask for it.

That's right. That's the most stunning. Carla's face just looks so shocked. I'm just thinking of questions. Yeah. Just the computer with smoke coming out of it and reams of paper just flying out. Just going back through a lot of memories of confused faces. That's my advice for all men listening who are straight.

When I was 17, my girlfriend was 21 and she'd been with enough people that she was good at going, no, you're not doing it right. And so she always told me, don't just go straight for the clitoris. That's like, because that was the thing I got. Because it was always told, oh, men can't find it. So I'm going to be good at finding it. Yeah. And then bang.

At 17. But it was. And then once I find it, this is going to be great. And then she's like, no, slow down. Don't just go there. So is that another good tip? Oh, totally, totally. Yeah.

It's good if you can find it. Thanks, Megan, for telling me that. Yeah, but most men, when they find it, they apply a 10 when they need to apply a 1. Yeah. go there so is that another good tip oh totally totally yeah it's good if you can thanks megan for telling me that yeah but most men when they find it they apply a 10 when they need to apply one yeah yeah i yeah i think i think you know that idea of the cliche of guys you know being selfish lovers and you know not not attending to business down there and stuff like that. I think I've always been like that guy that's been like gung-ho going, well, you know what? I'll get this done. I will absolutely get everything done first.

Oh, God. I'm going to eat my veggies first. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll earn my dessert. Don't worry about that, all right? I'm going to get to work. Fucking hell. And when I'm finished with you, you'll be very happy.

Let's get down to it. Which I think I'm listening to all of your words now is slightly the wrong thing maybe. Just you saying that. Very determined. Very determined to do the right thing. Just you saying that while we're in a room surrounded by children's paraphernalia. Hey, what can I say? I get results. But I always find that once, say

you're giving them a massage first, it's always going to lead to, you know, if they're lying on their stomach and you're giving them a massage and then half their body's not done because you've got to work your way down and then you're going to stay in that area for way longer than you need to. And then their leg's going to be like, oh, I'm all tense on my legs now. No?

What are you talking about? What are you talking about? Lie down on your front, Tommy. I'll give you a massage. And you'll notice I start with your shoulders. I work my way down. And then once I'm at the area, you know, then that will lead to something else. And then your leg's going to be tense because I'm not going to massage

your legs after I've finished. You're just reminding me of, like, so many creepy guys. Yeah, I feel way better about what I said now, actually. I'm fine. Just the classic creepy high school mate who got super into giving massages. Yeah, yeah. With that. My girls want a massage.

I did a theatre degree. That was three years of me just going, I'm not massaging anyone. You're all sex pests. Yeah, yes. Every morning, there's guys there massaging you. You know they just want to have sex with you. And now look at you going, you get down to the lakes and they're a bit tense. What are you talking about?

Once you get there, you just have sex. And then it's like, then the rest of the massage is gone. It was all just a ruse to have sex. And you know, because it's the person that you're married to. Well, me anyway. It's like, I know we're just going to have sex. This isn't transferable advice. Yumi, what do you think about this breakdown that's happening over here?

Is there anything good coming out of this? There's definitely a breakdown occurring. So, Josh, what you're saying is that by the time you get to the bottom, you're horny, right? Yes, exactly. And you're starting to get your face in there. Does any of this ring true? Yeah.

But the thing is, this is, okay, just for me to give you some good advice. First of all, you had Mrs. Robinson when you were 17. That's really good. But don't think that you know it all. No, definitely not. Because you can still learn and you can still top up your knowledge and maybe try something new. The other thing is women love just a no-strings massage, like an actual massage that doesn't

necessarily lead to sex. Now, that's what I was going to say. Yeah. Is massage a dodgy gateway? Does it bring up any alarm bells? Because to me, massage is a sort of, yeah, like the skill set of a creep, of a weirdo, sort of. No. And maybe not all the time. Second only to magic tricks. Yeah, like the skill set of a creep, of a weirdo, sort of. No.

And maybe not all the time. Second only to magic tricks. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. Exactly. The domain of the pest. No, but it is really appreciated, which translates to horniness in the bank.

So it's appreciated by women when you can just have a massage that is just a massage and doesn't lead to sex. But then the next time sex is being initiated, they're remembering that strings-free massage from the time before. Yeah, and they're like, oh, I loved that. And they're into you. They're into you. As long as you don't finish the massage by, like,

bringing out your wallet and then, like, writing in it, I did one massage on this date. He could tell that I was really tense in the leg and he was still able to control himself. I'm coming from a guy, I've been married for 10 years. If we're both naked, we know what's going to happen. There's no surprises left. What, are you going to go take a dump in front of each other?

That's what it is. If we're both naked, you know what's going to happen and that's what I said, Your Honour. Taking a dump in front of each other. Where's that on the graph? Where's that? Is the line still going up? No.

I think I'm like a lot of people are into just being really open but I'm not. I think that some doors should remain closed even in a long-term marriage. The last long-term relationship I was in, we got to a point where we point where, yeah, we were living together and there was a lot of openness. And it's like, it's kind of cool in its own way to begin with because it's like, oh, this shows that we're, you know, really strong together and everything. But then it's like, well, you can't close that door again. And God, it'd be nice to just have a vacation where we just pretend for like a week that we never crossed this threshold. Where I'm not seeing her poo face. I mean, I wouldn't go that far, but sure.

Yeah, I've always been a closed door, bathroom closed door, no matter what. Oh, you're such a gentleman. No, but sometimes I'm insisting on the other person doing it. Can you close it? Yeah. Yeah. But now with a child, there's a few bathroom doors just creeping open now,

which is just a slightly, I'm not... Are you just accepting that that's part of the package? Yeah, a little bit. It's just creeping in a little bit. I'm trying to make sure it doesn't happen, but yeah, there's just a few times now where it makes it harder. I think that unlike Tommy's's belief you can go back you can say all right we had a bit of time while the baby was little let's now resume keeping the door

shut yeah okay good and you can be a fucking adult and go hey remember how we shat in front of each other let's wind that back because i quite like having the door closed let's role play yeah let's role play we'll both pretend to be good people. Yeah, both pretend we're extremely repressed. Yeah. All right, so that was tip one.

Yeah, yeah. Second tip. Tip one, sex tips. I've learned a lot. Yeah. Appreciate it,

but I can't help feel that at least as far as I'm concerned, we really are putting the cart before the horse here.

Yeah, yeah, totally. But look, that's good because massages, again, I realise I've probably got the wrong idea. I think I'm a bit too competitive because I'm like, I'm happy to give a really good massage to my wife,

but then she goes, oh, that was great. Thank you so much. Now, you jump on the bed and I'll give you one. I go, nah, you're shit at it. I don't want one. No, it's a waste of my fucking time. Like, you won't do it hard enough. she's like oh okay but i'm just like i can't i can't sit there and she's she's like you know i want to be thrown around the room when i have a massage yeah i don't want someone

just sort of doing fingertips and and going there you go does that feel nice i'm like no it actually doesn't see i've never been one i'm really annoyed doing the massage in a relationship because i i reckon i'd be really bad at it. And it's kind of a weird thing to me that people go, oh, we'll just give these to each other. Because it's like, it's a thing that people study to do. It's like a, you know, it's a profession. It's like, no, I'll just fuck around on your shoulders and apply some pressure.

It's like, this is actually bad for you to, like, give it to someone and not know what you're doing. You can use some intuition. Yes. But maybe is there something that your partner could do that's not a massage that's physical and a way of, like, do you like to have your forehead patted or your hair rubbed or something?

Maybe. Yeah, I haven't thought about it. Because she's given you a massage and she's like, do you want something back? You could say, yeah, pat my whatever, your ears or... Oh, you know what? You're right. Maybe I should do, like, my...

I think my legs would be good. I think with my back and my shoulders, I just need. Don't come to me for a massage. Tense legs. And they've done it again. Too true. I just saw Yumiumi did you yeah i saw i went to a uh what do you call it not the gym but i'd go to a certain f45 style cult exercise cult yep and uh she was she was in the same class as

me oh really yeah all right i saw her on boxing Day and I gave her a very sweaty high five. And I thought, you know what? I'm going to talk to her after this. And she left five minutes early. So her spidey senses were tingling. Tell me more about rooting. Do you reckon I could root anyone in this class? Yeah, we got a lot of great feedback off the back of this.

All positive. When you say all positive? There was like one comment on Facebook that I saw. I saw a couple of things that were like, you know, there's certain men that get triggered whenever a woman says this is the definitive way of doing something. Oh, yeah, not, you know, it's not all, you know. There was like, I saw one or two of them of like, sort of starting to say something.

Yeah. And then someone going, come on, come on. Like, what are you, oh, what the fuck, let me get. And then them quite wisely, to their credit, going, oh, no, okay, I won't. Right. I won't continue this thought. Yeah, look, like I said, when a lady says this is the way to do something, there's always someone ready to go, no, well, oh, yeah,

that'd be right, fucking whatever. So, yeah, anyway, it was great. Majority of people loved it. Well, also, yeah, and I mean, you know, someone going, this is what all women like in the bedroom, and then of course some people are going to go, that's not what I'm like or that's not what my partner's like, and it's like, well, sure, okay, even if that's true, it's like, yeah.

Of course Yumi, you know, of course she's being like, you know, when she says all women, like she knows that it's like she's not speaking for 100% of the population. Yeah, and also in case anyone's confused, this show isn't the Ten Commandments. There's a lot of comedy in this show and opinion. So, yeah, that's what this is. Yeah, but this was fun. And as we talk about in the full ep, the last time in particular Yumi had been on,

we'd been a bit like, does she hate us? Yeah, yeah, exactly. Does she hate us and does she hate doing the show? Exactly. So I think we went into this with a sort of similar degree of caution. Yes. And then to have her be so into it and so giving and so much fun was great fun.

Absolutely. And, you know, one of those people that you go, you've got better shit to do than this. Totally. So appreciate your time. She squeezed us in while she was in town for a funeral. Yes. That's right.

Yeah. So I think that's why I saw her at the gym. She was in town. Her family lives not a million miles away from me. Yeah, right. Okay. Yeah. Good app.

Go and listen to the whole thing. Yeah. Yeah, really great one. Okay, let's get into the next clip this is the number two clip of 2019 episode 447 live in melbourne with paul foot hamish blake and cameron james great i you know it's good to know that people vote for live episodes because i mean we i feel like maybe me and you personally have the most fun at live episodes. Would you say that or not? Yes.

Yes, they are very fun to do. I think more so that you're always conscious that it can be a tough slog to listen to if you weren't there. Right. I'm always conscious of that. Okay. I feel like we got that sort of feedback from people back in the day a bit more than we do now. But I might be wrong um i yeah i we don't hear it but i can definitely understand people who are just like i'm just not going to listen to the live ones yeah this this one in particular which is very heavily stuff

happening in the room oh yeah but i mean i listened to this clip and i forgot really what happened on the show yeah and i'm listening to the clip with the ears of a new person going oh yeah i can figure out what's going on yeah sure sure anyway listen to it right now yeah so well do we need to give any so this is uh yeah paul foot big return to the show uh there's heaps of other stuff that's happened before this but we're gonna cut in as paul's come out paul was the third guest we kept him a big uh secret reveal because of his notorious if you know if this is your first time listening or you haven't listened back that far we had him on years and years and years ago very controversial appearance where we got a lot of negative feedback

off the back of it people really didn't enjoy what he brought to the show even though we thought and you know a a number of listeners loved it. Yeah. We thought it was great. He really came back and did sort of the same thing again, but I think everyone's figured it out now. Right. Or maybe there's a bit more context. Well, it being in a room in front of people too kind of helps it. But anyway, yeah, enjoy this clip.

This is Paul Ford, Hamish Blake and Cameron James. Cameron James. It's great to have you here because I feel like I know we haven't seen you for five years, but we've heard about you every fucking day. Well, I hear about myself every day as well. It's nice to hear that it's having an impact five years later. I wonder whether this podcast, people will speak of it in four and a half years.

I remember it last time, what happened in the podcast was that there was a form of words that would cause me to get trapped in the dimension. Yes. And it was banned from British Airways for life. And by chance, it came up later on in the podcast. But if the... It's different now, but if the particular form of words should come up,

which is very unlikely, very unlikely, but by chance, I would get trapped in another dimension. Right. Any way of telling what dimension that would be? Like a beatboxing dimension? Oh, I see what you mean. It's a snake dimension. And what happens there?

I'm the king cobra. You're the king cobra? It actually sounds pretty cool. Almost like you're daring us to say those words. But you don't know what the words are. There's no way of knowing what they are. I reckon... Snakey...

Is it banned from British Airways? No, that was last time. No, it's a little different. Oh, they changed the update. Guys, learn a bit of dimension stuff. I mean, they're never going to use the same code words twice. Yeah, right. No, it's not even worth trying.

You might just stumble on it or you might not. Do you think it's almost like you'll decide when the words... Well, yeah. Yeah, I probably will decide. And it probably helped me to... So if I said something like, I've been getting a lot of offers for horse memorabilia, yeah, that's the sort of thing that could do it.

Yeah, right. But really, it just landed a bit left of the... I'd be getting a lot of offers for horse memorabilia. Yeah, that's the sort of thing that could do it. Yeah, right. But not that time. Not that time. If we had a flat spot, maybe like now. Well, that's a possibility but really, another thing is... What about, should we turn the air conditioning on? Anything?

Actually, I wouldn't mind a drink, Malone. How long is it till the end of the podcast? Because that will help me to know. If it's like five minutes to the end, then I might check the name. This is not a predetermined dimension shift, but it just would be, and completely separate, it would be nice to know how long to go. Yes, because the thing is, once I go to this

snake thing, it's difficult to get out. You've got no wrists, you can't have a watch. Hypothetic. I mean, but your whole body's a wrist. Hypothetically, I believe we're... That is, that is the words. Your whole body's a wrist.

Your whole body's a wrist. Oh my God. It's the words. It's the sentence. And you thought we wouldn't get it. Yeah, and just by chance. It's a common saying. Just by chance,

something happened. Welcome to Australia, we say that every day. Yeah. Don't forget, do you know me, mate? Your whole body's a risk. I literally thought,

what are the chances of hearing that? It seemed so unlikely. You were stabbing at different things, like, is it snaky, snaky,

snaky? Other things, air conditioning. You're lucky you didn't see that Lara Bingle campaign because that was it. Yeah. Oh, yes.

Australia, your whole body's a wrist. That's not a wrist, your whole body's a wrist. Go on, take a wrist on the stroke. Throw another whole wrist body on the barbie. As you can tell, I haven't gone into the snake dimension yet. It's just a slightly delayed reaction. There's like a

grace period before it kicks in. Get your affairs in order. It's a slow burn. It's like you getting to the stage. Going around the whirlpool. You'll slowly notice more of the aspects of the king cobra.

Just so we know, because we'll stay in this dimension I assume, will we see you You'll slowly notice more of the aspects of the king cobra. Slowly. Just so we know, because we'll stay in this dimension, I assume, will we see you become a snake, or will you slowly disappear from view? Oh, well... I mean, that's entirely up to you, if you'd like me to slowly disappear. Yes, I might slowly... I think I will slowly...

It seems like it's entirely up to you, actually. Yeah, it is up to me, really. I was only asking, as you are in this case the employer and I the employee, your humble servant. But, yes, I think the snake will slowly go for you. Did you guys hear that? Did you notice that? Was that a tell right there?

Paul? I don't think I even noticed it. If you die in the snake dimension, do you die in real life? Oh, great question. Thank you, Cameron. Yeah. Yes. I would.

It's so nice to hear a confident master. Yeah, yeah, yeah. At work, explaining other dimensions. I mean, well, you'll know that last night one of our fellow comedians died on the stage. Tommy Dasol, did he sell our show? Oh. It was great for me.

It was a six out of 10, okay Anyway, a comedian died I think joining Tommy Cooper And one or two other people died on stage Had a heart attack on stage Thanks for coming everyone To slightly lighten the topic Because you become the King Cobra

Yes Are you ruler of that dimension? I'm ruler of the dimension Do you have a queen the other dimension. Yes, yes, that's the point. Are you ruler of that dimension? Yeah, I'm ruler of the dimension, but... Do you have a queen? I have a queen, yes. Ooh, sounds suspicious. You don't sound that into it. Is that man there the glasses?

I noticed something between you guys. Yeah, that is the Queen Cobra. So when you disappear from view slowly, will he also disappear from view? Yeah, he might well. Yeah, he might well. Yeah, he might well as well. So just so you know, you'll probably have to leave that row in a little bit. Okay, we don't want to bash you over the head with it.

You seem like a pretty smart guy. Yeah, yeah. But you will probably have to leave the room. What we're doing here is we're planting a seed for the end of the show. Oh, I heard another hiss, everyone. It is taking a while to kick in, I have to say. The tongue's coming out. Do you want me to sing it?

Your whole body's a risk. Your whole body's a risk. Uh-oh. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, there's a lot of movement in the hips. It's a regular snake tails up here. Put it this way, there's some slippery stuff tails up here. Yeah, yes. There is.

Put it this way. There's some slippery stuff happening up here. I'll be honest. When Paul started saying it, I thought, he's probably making it up. He might be making it up, and he might just pretend to go to another dimension. But now I've seen it, it's real.

Oh, the snake's going into the crowd. Sorry if I caught you with my venom there. He spat out some venom for the listeners. This is really happening, guys. Now the mic has gone down because... This is quite freaky. The snake is approaching. What do I do?

Stay calm, Cam. He's more scared of you than you are of him. The snake is... Just remember... Shit. Don't look like a mouse. Don't look like a mouse. I am petrified.

I'm going to try and grab the snake by the tail. You're not in the outback, mate. I'm going to try and grab the snake by the tail. You're not in the outback, mate. I'm going to try and grab the snake by the tail. Careful. What are you doing in this situation? Fuck, it's constricting the room. Fuck!

Someone get me a rake. Get me a rake. Get me a rake in the bin. No, he's eating Sydney's eighth best comedian. What, is Eric Chen back here? Oh, wow. Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. We've never had a casualty on the podcast before.

Okay. But everything else that's happening, you've had once before. Oh, no. Oh, no. You keep covering me. Guys, don't try to grab its tail. Oh no. He's going, the snake's going to the crowd.

Oh my God. The king has found its queen. This usually happens in the drum cast, not in a regular episode. Oh my God. We need to get, we need to get. Just in case it's not clear in audio format, the snake king is mounting his queen in another dimension,

yet somehow we are still granted access to it. Tommy, that reminds me, did we get insurance this year? Not for snake shawl harassment. Beautiful, beautiful stuff. Thanks a lot, guys. Watch this. Oh, no. What is going to happen?

I don't think there's much of an endgame inside here. It seems as if the King Cobra is picking out another victim. Oh, no. Is that what's happening, King Cobra? What, King? I'm just trying to capture the majesty of what this is. King, we can see you as a snake somehow pointing, but... Yeah, you can also use your words.

Repeat this, because I'm not microposive. Yeah, yeah, we know. I've just seen there... Yeah. A little shrew. A little shrew. Paul Hasina's fallen. All right, the shrew is now a light creature.

He's now slithering through the audience. And King Cobra, if this in any way influences what you're doing, there's probably about eight minutes left of the pod. I would say a lot less, hypothetically, like I have a show to do very soon. Can I ask how come the Queen isn't following

the King? I feel like... Good question. Because it's 2019, chants. Someone said it! Thank you on behalf of all the female snakes out there. Thank you, Tommy. Well, well, well. Check out Snake Nanette

over here. Jake Nanette over here. Wow. They have done it again. Good point. Well made. The return, the great return. Yeah. So well received.

That was like one of the funnest live shows I reckon we've done, I think. Yeah, big time. Very fun to be in the eye of that hurricane. Yes. I felt like sitting there watching that happen, I think we both said this to each other afterwards, like that would have to be, and this is a very like self-inflated thing to say,

but I'm going to say it, that would have to be like one of the best shows that happened in the comedy festival. Yeah. For pure just chaos and like anything, you know, not just like sticking to a script, not just like doing the material that you've done for like 20 nights or whatever it is at that point.

Yeah. Just purely anything could happen. Yes. The vibe in the room. Yeah. Like you would be hard pressed to find a comedy event at that year's festival that was, that matched that. For sure.

And that was also, I probably mentioned this in the show, I'm sure I would have, but in the extended version, which was, it's like that, things going off, you've got Hamish Blake in there, top form. You know, in my opinion, the funniest person in the country. Yep. You've got Paul Foot going absolutely berserk. And then at the end of it, we're sitting looking at each other going, my God, what a show.

And then like five minutes ago, you just see this guy walk out going, ah, well, fuck this. Yeah, totally. I do like that because it's like, okay, you know, like the opinion of Paul Foot off the back of that earlier episode, it's like, oh, it's so weird. No, I'm not into it. This is not what I'm into. But to do it with five minutes to go,

you've watched this massive show of fucking chaos, and then with five minutes to go, nah, that'll do now. Well, to be completely fair, you did the same thing because the show would run late and you had a solo show to do. So, you know, we started late, the show ran late, people have things to do. Like, it could have been that. No, no, no. The guy was like, nah.

I heard him. The guy was like, nah, fuck this. Right, great. Incredible. Well, he may have had a vibe of like, I can tolerate it for a bit. I want to get my money's worth as soon as it's getting near an hour I'm out. He must have gone early to go to my show. Yeah, maybe.

Quite possibly. I dare say that was it. But yes, great fun. Pawfoot had a really good... I think we talked about this on the main show. He came back and fucked around at the drunk cast as well. Oh, yeah, he did too. Yeah.

And he was very much, I think he was very much loving his place in Dumb Dumb Notoriety by then. Yeah. Yeah. So he was doing a bit of crowd walking during the drunk cast and stuff as well. Yeah, which is very funny. He had Blakey playing his security guard. Oh, that's right. And I remember we were laughing because he clearly just met him that night

and he just kept calling him Blake. Yes, he thought his name was Blake. Yeah, very funny. Yeah, and look, a great ad for our live shows, of which we have some on sale at the moment. We're in Brisbane and Adelaide doing live podcast. No, well, we're doing stand-up in Adelaide, I should say, but we're doing live podcast. No, well, we're doing stand-up in Adelaide, I should say, but we're doing live podcast in Brisbane.

And then we've got two in the 4th and the 11th of April in Melbourne in the afternoon. And of course, we've got our 500th episode on the 25th of April at the Athenaeum Theatre, which is filling up absolutely beautifully at the moment. Better get on it if you want to come. Yes, totally. So that's number two in the countdown which

um yeah i guess leaves uh the obvious one of course uh as as number one though this is i think a lot of people out there would have been thinking right well there's these two the two obvious ones to go there's the paul fort one and then this one i wonder which one's going to be number one well now we know there's no point even giving this any kind of pageantry or whatever because it's obvious what it is. Yes. Well, I mean, you know, 95% of you voted for this one. Exactly.

So there's really only 5% of people out there that are wondering what it might be. Less than that. I think they've probably worked it out. They've probably worked it out by now. Yeah. Process of elimination. Let's just go to it.

No set up. We just, everything explains within the episode. What's the point? Yeah, they'll by now. Yeah. Process of elimination. Let's just go to it. No set up. We just, everything explains within the episode. Yeah, they'll hear it. Yeah. This is the number one rated episode of 2019. What you demanded. You're welcome. Hey, mate.

Welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week. Thank you for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo, and with me is always the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, Dickens. Yeah. Wow, what a crowd. We're here on a tropical beach.

It's a huge crowd have followed us over here. This is the first of our live shows here on this beach. We are, of course, very excited to be here in Bali. The first annual Bali International Podcast Festival. All my idea. You know I love this place. I've always been looking for a project to work on over here. And man, I'm really actually pissed off in hindsight.

I've wasted my time in Thailand all these years because I'm loving being here amongst the hordes of fans and piss and shit all over the beach. This is great stuff. You did really lobby for this pretty hard. I'm kind of just along for the ride. I'm not particularly au fait with where we are. You did all the organisation.

Can you remind me which bit of Bali in particular are we in? North Bali. North Bali. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We are live from the beautiful North Bali beach. North Bali town. In downtown North Bali town, the most beautiful shit and piss covered city in the country. Capital of Bali.

Bali town. The capital right up in North Bali town. The capital. Right up in the north. This is a nice bit. So you know how it's not completely covered in shit? That's good for Bali. Oh right.

So if we were to go down into the south we'd be just ankle deep. You can see out in the beach there where you can see someone on a surfboard. Well the rest of the island

is just people surfing on dead dogs in the water. So yeah this is actually quite nice. This is the nice bit. And you love it here and you really champion it to come here.

Yes. A great place. You hate dogs? Is that why? I love surfboards. Well, you know, walking around through all the human shit, it just reminds you of the cycle of life, doesn't it? The podcast fans have a name.

All right. Yeah, yeah. How many of them have followed us over here this year? Oh, man, there's 6,900 here. There's heaps. Wow, 6,900 people. Yes. That's a lot of people.

That is a lot of people. That's way more than we ever got in Thailand. I know. That's why I'm glad we're never going back to that shithole again. Cheaper flights, more direct. Exactly. Better chance for people from Perth to come here, which is always good. Yep.

Yep. Exactly what we want. Yep. And we've got, not only we've got lots of listeners, but we've also got lots of guests as well, because it's easy also got lots of guests as well because it's easy to get guests to Bali as well. Way easier to get guests. Yeah.

We don't have to lean on any of the same old names from the Thailand festivals. Yes, we've nearly just all of them to get some new faces or at least voices in here. Yep. Well, should we welcome our first guest onto the stage? Absolutely. We've got a massive one here. Let's stop talking for a second and let them in. A coup for the North Bali International Podcast Festival.

I wouldn't be saying coup too much in Indonesian, but anyway, up to you. Please welcome back into the Little Dum Dum Club, Dave Hughes. Thank you. Good on you. Good on everyone. Good on Bali. Good on those dead dogs. Yeah.

Is this the first time you've ever been to Barley, Husey? No, I went with the kids They were like, Dad, Dad Got a bunch of dead dogs And I was like, no thank you You opened a packet of dogs alive and they were all dead? Yeah Bloody good joke that is

Thank you, it's one of my favourites I'm going to steal it It's yours of my favourites. I'm going to steal it. It's yours. Good on me. Remember you did it on the gala all those years ago?

Absolutely. Gala. Good times. Thanks for coming, Hughsy, because you're off radio at

the moment and you're doing a new show. You're off, Hughsy, we have a problem, but you're

working on a new sketch show, I believe. Is that what's happening? Yeah, a new sketch show I believe Is that what's happening? Yeah, a new sketch show Yeah For Channel 9 For Channel 9

Okay I'd like to Very specific I scoot around You scoot around Yeah, you are known for it Right You scoot around

Squirrel up Down What sort of sketch show is it? Give us an example A bit of a taste of what happens Alright, so I've got a great one. We've just finished shooting. Oh, yeah?

Great. Yeah, Christmas Day. You finished shooting on Christmas Day? Yeah, finished shooting Christmas Day. I guess that timestamps when this show was happening, I guess. Yeah, bloody kids. They were out there. No, Dad, come here.

It's Christmas time. I'm like, no, I've got a good sketch. Okay, right, come here. Christmas time. I'm like, no, I've got a good sketch. Okay, right. Bloody hell. So your kids had to miss out on having a dad around Christmas? I had a good one. I bought them a house. What, each of your kids a house?

Yeah, each of them a house. Okay. It's very true. Invest with properties. Anyway, back to the sketch show. So what sort of, you know, let's promote it to the listeners. I mean, for starters, we've nearly got 7000 people on the beach

not quite we haven't quite got that but a lot of people listening at home what sort of stuff give us a tiny little example of one of the sketches just so we know what we're playing with we've got a great sketch called Narrow Word it's very good

hang on a minute we've heard about this before. So it's not just the Dave Hughes sketch show. Is there someone else involved in this? I've got some ghostwriters. Oh, interesting. Okay, right. I can't give you their names.

Let's just say that they love doing comedy workshops for ladies. Hughesy, interestingly enough, maybe this is, I don't know what made me think of this in relation to who you might have ghostwriting for you, but normally when you come on this program, you're covered in jewels. And I can't help but notice that the complete absence of jewels on your person this time around.

And your trademark Hughesy hat made of a $20 note is missing. Has this got anything To do with who One of these ghost writers Might be on the show Yeah yeah Bloody hell I was like Just hanging out

One of the ghost writers Was like Give me those jewels And I was like Alright Kobe You've got to pay me back And he was like I'll absolutely pay you back

I've got a couple more workshops That I'm teaching some ladies. Now I'm starting to realise why you're in Bali. You're on location filming some of these sketches, and now I've just realised I've looked over on the beach just before, and there seems to be a few caravans, a few pop-up locations, and there's a pop-up meth house on the beach. Has this got anything to do with some of your writers?

Oh, yeah. No, it's a bloody online location. It's also where some of the writers stay and live. Pretty good, isn't it? Two birds, one stone. Classic. Anyway, Naren, great sketch. So what happens in the sketch?

Can you give us a bit of a preview? Okay, so I'm sitting there and I just feel myself asleep. Yeah? And then later I go, oh, how was that good sketch, wasn't it? It's a bloody good sketch, just me sleeping. They're not laughing. I love this. Most sketches have like a punchline or something.

Yeah, this is a new sketch show. Well, this sounds great. When can we expect to see this? Soon? Oh, yeah, absolutely. There's even a delay

on the answer, let alone the sketch show, so it can't be coming too soon. Sorry, I just had a bunch of heroin. Oh, right. You were on the nod.

You nodded off. You were a method actor. Yeah, I opened up a bunch of heroin. Oh right. You were on the nod. You nodded off. You were a method actor. Yeah I would have a bag of snakes and heroin. Snakes and heroin.

All right. Let's get our next guest out here. Let's get another guest. Good on you. Good on everyone. Good on you good on everyone

good on you Husey Husey's got a problem thanks Huse let's welcome our next guest big friend of the show please welcome back Ray Badron Ray Badron

God is everyone all of our guests are narrow and everyone sounds affected by by something. Badrin, you were telling us just before we started recording that you had a very funny story about you getting your flight over here to Bali.

Oh, yeah. I was bloody on the... Go on, Ray. I was bloody on the chair. Bloody chair. You're on a chair. Yeah, I'm on a chair. Made of wool.

Made of wool. Made of wool. Okay. You're on a chair made of wool. It's a good start. I was on a chair made of wool. Yeah, you're on a chair made of wool. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come on. He's done it again. This thing writes wool. Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on. He's done it again. This thing writes itself. Yeah. Went up to a chair made of wool. You went up to the chair made of wool. Yeah, we've heard about that. Come on, get on with it.

A chair made of wool. Yeah. A chair made of wood. Oh, wood. Oh, wood. You were saying wood. That's what I'm talking about. I thought it was just a really warm chair. You've gotten more coherent since the last time we had you on. Have you been having speech therapy or anything? We're coming together a lot quicker.

It's a lot more interesting. I like this woolly chair. I got Dixie Lawson's. She's like blah blah blah. You got Dixie

Lickson's? Yeah, Dixie Lickson. Hughsy, what do you reckon of this? Is there any chance that you might have

a role for this young man in your sketch show? Yeah, I've got a great sketch show. It's called Narrowing 2.

The Narrowing. Wow, this is, man, this is out of hand already. sketch show. It's called Narrowing 2. The narrowing. Wow. Man, this is out of hand already. And just to think, we've still got a couple more guests up our sleeve. I think this is so great. I'd love to know what our next guest has got to say about it because Ray's obviously

got a great story about travelling over here with the woolen chair and everything. There's a guy that's got an even more interesting story about coming flying over yeah yeah with the woolen chair and everything so there's a guy that's got an even more interesting story about coming flying over to bali and that is our next guest please welcome to the stage nick kappa it's me nick kappa that's that's his catchphrase that's that's my catchphrase i'm nick kappa now nick you you traveled over here uh wearing a specific thing that the the listeners all asked you to do, putting money for you to go travel in a specific way, wearing a specific thing.

Yeah. I mean, obviously, the nearly 7,000 people on the beach can see what you're wearing. Yeah. You can explain to everyone. The listeners chipped in for me to fly here, but the condition was I had to wear something that would be very disturbing for me

and very out of character, deodorant. And as you can see, it's given me a big rash all over my body. I've been having a severe reaction to it. I'm covered in scabs from the deodorant. Yeah, yeah, fleadies on top of you at the moment. Oh, there's my ghost rider. Better get back to work. All right.

That's good stuff. Should we get another guest out here? Oh, Tom, you're still here. Oh, no, of course I'm still here. What, do you think I just leave just because Kappa turns up? There's so many guests up here on the stage, I couldn't see you for a second. It is getting pretty cramped up here. Yeah, it smells pretty good.

Oh, hey, Badgerin. I haven't seen you since we were in London together. Maybe those aren't dead dogs out there in the surf. Maybe that's just the smell of you, Kappa. Sorry. I'll take that back. Oh, bloody hell. Bloody hell.

Thank you. We've got one more guest. We've got one more guest. Please. Our final guest, another international. No, thank you. All right, we've got one more guest. We've got one more guest, please. Our final guest, another international. Please welcome to the stage, Paul Foot. Hello, it is me, Paul Foot. I was wandering in the cosmos. Oh, yeah. And there were beams of light.

Beams back and forward while classical music played in my mind. Were there any woolen chairs in the cosmos? Woolen chair? Come here. That's the wool dimension. Have you been in the wool dimension? I've been in the wool dimension many times. Many times, boys.

Who's your favourite guest that we've had out here tonight so far on the stage? I'm a big fan of Ray Badren. I was such a big fan, I ate him. You ate him? Yes, I cut him. How did we miss that?

Using my mind, and I ingested him into my lower bowel. Your stomach dimension. Now, are you any good at impressions, Paul Foot? Yes, I have impressed many people. Can you do an impression of Ray Badgeran? Can Paul Foot do an impression of Ray Badgeran? This is my impression of Ray Badgeran? Can Paul Foote do an impression of Ray Badgeran? This is my impression of Ray Badgeran.

Oh, what a great podcast vessel it's been here in Bali. We've been out here for two hours now. We better wrap this up. But just killing, when the audience are loving it so much, why would we ever want to wrap this up? Listen to them again. There we go. They're loving it. Hopefully there was something there.

Yeah, look, it's, guys, I've got to say, my body is hurting so much from the negative reaction to all the deodorant that I put on. I've been driven to an extreme here. I can only see one option. I'm going to have to kill myself. The pain is so intense.

Goodbye. Listen to the crowd cheering at that one. Goodbye cruel world. Oh no, wow. Nick Cav has killed himself on stage. He's died on stage once again. His guts are flailing in and out

and in and out and in in an aggressive nature. Paul, you are so famous. You are so well known in Australia. I think there wouldn't be anyone in comedy who doesn't know exactly what you sound like except for one specific comedian from Perth who wears glasses that I can think of. Who is this

little boy? So Cap has killed himself. Wow. What do you think about that, Paul? Give you any ideas? I think I too will be killing myself on this very stage. Oh wow, how are you going to do it?

I will bite myself to death Okay Oh, he's gone? Oh, that's all it took It's just one And Badron's been eaten Yep, Badron's dead, so Oh hang on, Badron's ghost has just shown up

So there's really only Hughsy up here now with us Yeah Yeah, bloody Hughsy Yep We've got a problem, Hughsy Everyone's dead with us. Yeah. Yeah, bloody Hughsy. Yeah. We've got a problem, Hughsy. Everyone's dead. Open up, bloody, this stage.

Open up this stage. They're all dead. Bloody hell. No thank you. No thank you indeed. Yep. Might just buy myself an auction. Why not?

Buy yourself an auction. Yeah, buy myself an auction. Auction off by myself. Kids wake me up in the morning, they go, Dad, Dad, buddy wants this. And I'm like, no, get out of here. Do you not want this? This has been a dream come true for me, just being up here, being at Bali. My dream, it can't get any better from here.

So the only common sense thing to do is to join the ranks of some of my comedy heroes and kill myself right now. Goodbye, everyone. Oh, no, Carl. Goodbye. Wow, it's just you and me, Husey. It's just you and me. Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm very sorry, but I've bloody taken too much heroin. Yeah. Are you overdosing? Is that what you're trying to say? Yeah, big time. Right. Overdosing big time. Okay.

How long do you think you have? Maybe moments. Who knows? Who knows? Who knows? Who knows? Who knows? to say? Yeah, big time. Right. I'm a dozer, big time. Okay, how long do you think you have? Maybe moments, who knows? Buddy, who knows? Buddy, check it out. Buddy, wake up the next day, I'm dead. Oh, Hugh's gone. Capper's gone. Carl's gone.

Paul Foote's gone. I guess there's only one thing left for me to do, and that's keep the podcast going by myself. See you, everyone. We'll see you next week. See you, mates. Wow. Easy to see.

Easy to see why it won in such a landslide. If you're not going to say it, I'll say it. They have done it again. Oh, right. Yeah. I was so shell-shocked by the quality of the clip that I forgot that that was a thing that I would normally even say. That went off, didn't it?

Yeah. A lot of people there. Because saying they've done it again almost seems like too faint praise for a clip of such high quality. You're right. You're absolutely right. And, you know, great guests. Yep.

Yep. Yeah, what a lineup. Yeah. More guests than we usually have. Yes, and better. That was obviously heavily edited. Just, you know, a lot of crazy stuff we had to take out of there. That's just a taste.

That's not even the best stuff in the episode. Go find the full episode. Go back and listen to the full episode, guys. Go find the full episode. Yep. Not even the best stuff in the episode. Go find the full episode. Go back and listen to the full episode, guys. Go find the full episode. Yeah. We should have just replayed the full episode, really. But time restraints. I mean, I know that we say, hey, mates, at the start of that clip,

and then by the end of the clip, most of us have killed ourselves. But that's only a segment of the full episode. Right. There's more. Yeah. Did we cut a lot of it out at the end where there was everyone dead? Just me. Just you?

Yeah. Just me riffing with corpses. Yeah, right. That was, I mean, that was a little bit sad when I killed myself. Yeah, yeah. I felt a bit sad about that. But then I got over it. Yeah.

It was okay. You bounced back. Yeah. It's like, it's nice to have some peaks and troughs. Well, it's like when you announced you were quitting comedy. Yeah. It didn't stick. Oh, nothing better.

Nothing better. Nothing better than quitting comedy. Nothing better than the old, I quit, JK. Yeah. I, no one has ever quit and quit. No. No. It doesn't happen.

Not once. No. Well, that's it. No. No. It doesn't happen. Not once. No. Well, that's it, folks. Great clip. Great number one clip. Great year. Great year. What a year.

What a decade. This was a huge year. So, okay, let's go through the ones I was surprised that they weren't in. None of the London ones. Okay, yeah. Got in the mix. Well, yeah yeah got in the mix well yeah i guess that was quickly i guess that was one where i wasn't sure whether people like that badger one got a lot of uh divisive yeah very divisive i guess i i would have hoped that was popular i guess but i think all those london ones were pretty good.

But I guess especially the Badgerin long story one. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just trying to look through. I mean, I had this all written down somewhere. I can't find it. There were... Those are the main ones. I mean, no Thailand in there, but some of them, I think...

Did any of them get in the mix last year? I think they did. I don't know. I wouldn't have shortlisted any of the Thailand ones, I think. I think when I looked at it, I was like, no, there's better ones. They were fun, but there were better ones. Let me see here's ones i would have suggested i thought the tom gleason isla carlson blakey one oh yeah was great i thought

the andy lee yep office works card one yep very fun the Scott Dooley Greg Larson oh that's true one uh maybe even the the live Newcastle one

yes sorry that was my other big pick I thought that one was so good right uh the Fiona O'Loughlin

going off off her head mm-hmm and uh the I mean even the hobart one yep yep and a lot of people at least saying on social media that the the last week's one nina and greg that was a great one i mean i'm not too mad at that not getting i mean for us to just be playing a clip of something that was on last week yeah sure sure i will say do you want clip of something that was on last week. Yeah, sure, sure.

I will say, do you want to hear one that was actually neck and neck with another one? Yes. That I put in. Absolutely. It was like tied for fifth place. Right. That I chose the other clip instead. It was Tony Martin and Ed Cavalli.

Ah, yes, right. And I picked Cam and Ben just because it was like, well, again, that was a week ago. It's more interesting to go back to. Yeah. Also, I kind of, I might be wrong here, but I kind of think there's some big Tony Martin fans out there that, you know, say that's the best one every year because they just love Tony Martin. They just love Tony Martin.

And that's fair enough. Yeah. And especially also Get This fans and the two of them being on together. But yeah, thanks to everyone who voted. And thanks to everyone who listens and supports the show and uh chips in on patreon or whatever it is come to a live gig especially people who came to the live gigs that we did in very far-flung corners of the world this year it's great to meet a whole bunch of the listeners totally and see a bunch of people that we hadn't seen before. Whether it be in Nui or Tassie or London.

Yeah. It's great to... Serbia. Thanks to all the Serbians that came out. Yeah. And of course, that's the end of the episode. But coming up right after this is Talking Dumb Dumb. Yep.

Yep. So... See you, mates. See you, mates. And they've done it again. And they've done it again. Right. Welcome to Talking Dumb Dumb.

Yep. What did you think about this week's episode? Phoned it in a little bit. A little bit at the start. I felt like we took a little while to warm up. Yeah, a little bit of, couldn't help but feel like they were sort of reheating a bunch of old content. I hadn't heard any of that though. Oh, okay.

Right. That was fine by me. Bit of back patting there, I think. They do that a bit though. Right. Can't really say that that's anything too out of the ordinary for the little dum-dum club. Sure. But it's been another big year for talking dum-dum as well as we look back.

Do we have any highlights of this talking dum-dum? Not at this stage. Oh, right. I did ask, I put on the survey, I put on the survey, what do you think was the best riff from Talking Dum Dum and include the episode number, please. Now, do you think that that is a confusing question

or in any way an esoteric way of asking the question? Well, because the way that literally everyone has answered this seems to suggest that it was impossible to understand. Great. I haven't received a single answer that is anything to

do with what I asked in that question. Give me an example of the dumb fuckery that's out there. Because look, when we put this on social media, we went, vote for your favourite thing. Here's the voting form where you click on the buttons and people just responded and went, 478, and you go, cunt, hit the fucking button. Yeah.

Anything Nina said in 470. They're done it again. Brown ice cream or poop, episode 464. Which none of these things are talking dumb. Exactly. Yeah. Fuck, can't remember any right not. Great.

Oh, Blakey voted. Great. What else? I can't remember. I'll add my vote to anything from Funningfellas. Yep. None of this is surprising. Comedy.

Nina Royama's list of stories. 473. Chandler's notebook. Heavy truck chat. The notebook 473. So they've clicked on an episode and then written the same thing below. Yes. Great.

Just incredible. Great stuff. Just a really great snapshot into what we're dealing with. When you see people voting in this way, you realise why the world's in this shape. Yeah, 100%. Who the leaders are at the moment in the world. Fucking hell.

So, yeah, that's your votes, guys. Yep. Thanks, guys. Thanks for your fucking very intelligent answers there, guys. Appreciate it. Great. All right. Well, I guess that's it for another year.

We'll be back with another fresh one next week. Thanks for listening to this. If this was your first time listening, if someone passed this along to you, then thanks for checking it out. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope this gave you a little sample of what's good about the podcast. And, of course, you can go back and listen to all these full episodes. If you hadn't heard any of these before, they're all great.

And we've done nearly 500 of them. So there's heaps. Go to the website, littledumbdumbclub.com. Subscribe on all your little servers that give you podcasts, whatever the fuck you use. And we'll be back next week with a fresh episode, and I can't wait to hear how you got along in Hawaii. Oh, it's Christmas Day there right now, isn't it?

That's next week. That's next week. Carl, thank you for another fantastic year. Thank you, Tommy. Here at the podcast. Thank you, Tommy. What a great time we had gallivanting around the world. Yes.

Hope everyone had a great New Year's Eve. And yeah, we'll see you next week. And big shout out, final thing, final shout out to, you know, look, great number one, great number one episode. Very irrelevantly off the back of that, I'd just like to say. Oh, of course. Go and see Ben Russell's comedy festival shows that are coming up and listen to his podcast, The Grub.

Yeah, I don't know why that popped into my head. What a random thing to do. I know. That's just you, though. You're like bloody Tim and Eric. You're so random. Yeah, it's like because we don't have time for the unplanned title alternator. No. I just used an unplanned title alternator No

I just used an unplanned plug alternator Oh right And that just came out That's only capable of one a week Yeah Let's do one Yep Yep

Alright Have a good week guys We'll see you next time See you mates