The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 483 - Dave Hughes & Brett Blake

Episode Date: January 7, 2020

We know Hughes and we've got him back on the podcast. DAVE HUGHES ventures into BRETT BLAKE's construction site / apartment for our first fresh episode of 2020. Chando's off the booze and Hughesy has some tips for him, Brett's NOT off the booze and locked himself out of the apartment PLUS Tommy's back from Hawaii so we get the thrilling conclusion of the Christmas Day Bet from a few months ago!ADELAIDE! We're back. Sort of. Doing our solo shows back-to-back. March 14, 2pm.BRISBANE! A huge live podcast and our solo shows. March 15, 1.30pm.MELBOURNE! Our 500th episode is on sale. It's going to be massive. April 25, 2020. 8:30pm.We've also got two smaller shows on in the lead up. April 4 & 11. 4pm. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dum Dum Club, a brand new episode with guests Dave Hughes and Brett Blake. We have a bunch of live stuff coming up around the country, littledumdumclub.com for all the details of that. We'll talk in... Adelaide, Brisbane, Melbourne. There's a little spoiler for you. That's where we're going. A little tease of where we might be going. We'll talk to you about that more at the end of the episode in an edition of Talking Dum Dum. But until then, enjoy this new episode with Brett Blake and Dave Hughes. This is a good one.

Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. With me, as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day Dickhead. Broadcasting live from inside a construction site this afternoon. Very exciting.

We've got two great guests. Please welcome back onto the program, Brett Blake and Dave Hughes. Honour to be here and it's an honour to be in Brett Blake's apartment. My soundproof apartment. There's a leaf blower going outside and that's my fault, according to Carl Chandler. So that's good.

All off the show, I've done a fair bit of complaining that there is literally some sort of avalanche happening in this house at the moment. There's a lot of noise happening. But anyway, look. You'd think the gardeners

would still be on holidays though. So they're back though, aren't they? Yeah, they're out there. The guy's whippersnapping around a bag that's on the floor. So he's really doing his job there. He's going around. It's like there's a big bit of grass fucking there.

Oh, happy new year, everyone. Any resolutions? Any life-changing things happening with you guys? I'm going to try comedy this year. Oh, no. Good luck. It's not easy. How do you guys do it?

I get so scared. Exactly. No, you've got to feel the fear and do it anyway My resolution every year is to stop worrying So I want to get to the point where I don't give a flying fuck about anything ever I heard you say that the other day But what are you worried about? What are you worried about?

Everything I worry about how this is going to go No, I worry about You don't look that worried No, I'm not If it goes bad, you end up in an apartment like this Fucking whippersnippers and shit going on With it goes bad, you end up in an apartment like this. Fucking whippersnippers and shit going on. With podcasts these

days, you never know what you're saying. It could be picked up, do you, really? It is a little bit like that. Well, hopefully it's like that. Hopefully someone's listening to this. Well, exactly. You want me to say something and it ends up in the Daily Mail. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, but what do I worry about? I worry about, you know, ratings, ticket

sales. Do you worry about ticket sales? Yeah, absolutely. Really? Of course, yeah, definitely. Like anything involving numbers that you can't change, you know, and so, yeah, I mean, which is an absolute waste of time because no one gives a shit.

Yeah, yeah. No one cares less. No one gives a fuck. I've done a small thing. I've stopped drinking for a month. All right. There's a fuck. I've done a small thing. I've stopped drinking for a month. All right. That's the minimum, I guess. I've never done that before.

I've gone, right, okay, no drinking for the month. So six days in. Because I don't think, like I drink maybe like two, three times a week because I'm out at gigs. I can have a fridge full of beer at home, and I do, and I never touch it. I'm not like a person who drinks at home. Why are you looking funnily at me when you say this? No, not at all. I've got six Emu Bitters in my fridge right now.

I actually took them out because I don't drink at all. You're Emu Bitter. Is that good or bad? That's his favorite. It's the cousin of Emu Export, which is my favorite beer. You've got Emu Bitter. It's WA. Where did you get that from?

I've no idea. I just got it from a bottle shop because I had Lemo coming over who's a comedian who drinks beer. And Emu sounds kind of like Lemo. He'll love this. Also a bit of a diss for you to have to explain who Lemo is.

He's a comedian. I don't know if you've heard of him. That's not a diss. Well, I mean, you never assume anything. He's a very famous comedian. We've all got worries. Ticket sales are down. People aren't going to know who we are.

Don't worry about Limo hearing this. Limo, I'm just trying to pump you up. Sorry, I think he needs a job, actually. Go on, Dave Hughes, a comedian. Yeah, exactly. Well, they always say Dave Hughes, comedian in the newspapers. And I'm like, that's good. No, it isn't.

I think I've gone past that. But what if you've got Dave Hughes, presenter? I just want Dave Hughes. I want to be like Madonna. They don't say Madonna singer, do they? They just go Madonna. Anyway, what was I saying? I don't drink beer either.

If you're like Madonna That means you just Want to be Hughes Just be Hughes Or Hughesy Maybe anyway He's Limo What's on a name's Limo I know

It's the best name to say When you're maggot Limo I drove past him About two weeks ago And just gave that Out the window to him And he's like

Oh fuck not again I was like Blakey He would have been happy to be mentioned. He loves a shout out. Limo, comedian! I'm more than a comedian. Back to the story. Anyway, I've got six beers.

If you want them, Brett, or anyone, you don't want them, Carl. Not this month. Maybe in February, maybe. Because when Limo came over, he drank wine instead, so the beers were there.

I'm drinking zero beer, by the way, which is zero alcohol, so you can drink that with me. Beer with zero alcohol in it. Yes. Right. Because you've been off the... 27 years. 27 years. Wow.

You're into your second week, are you? I'm six days in. Six days. 27 years. I'm opening the show with it. The true hero, Carl Cantler. The survivor.

Yeah. I've gone to two meetings already today. But, oh man, I don't know how you do it, like 27 years, because,

like I said, I'm not like a drinker at home or anything. I don't have, you know, I've got beers in the fridge, but I wouldn't touch them by myself or whatever.

How long have you just had beers in the fridge that you've never touched? Man, it's such an old man move as well, just having beers in the fridge that you don't No, but they can't fit leftovers in there because it's just an entire case taking up the real estate. It's exactly like, usually I put them in there for like a barbecue that we had like six months ago or whatever, and they just sit there, this random collection of beers.

But when you go, when you, all right, so I can understand that, and that doesn't mean you're not an alcoholic, by the way, but when you go out and drink, you blackout drink do you drink you can't remember not blackout so you can remember absolutely well i don't think there's no problem then get back on it from hughes comedian yeah no i didn't think i had like a bad problem or anything like that it was just literally uh you know i've got a child now so now it's a little bit harder to get up and, you know, entertain her first thing in the morning. Yeah, right, with a hangover. Yeah, it'd be like, oh, this would be nicer just to not have that problem.

Also, a friend of the show that we all know, Milan, our Serbian gun-running friend, he told me the other day he's been two months off drinking. I'm like, if he can do two months off drinking, I can do at least six days i associate him with getting people shots exactly yeah exactly so i thought right well i'll just try this i'll see how it goes this will be interesting i don't drink at home or anything but i do when i like run gigs when i'm out of gigs that's when i'll drink because the the bar gives me like basically

unlimited drink tickets so i i just go well well, I'm sort of burning money. Do you ever drive to gigs? No, never. You may have a problem. Your car doesn't even work, does it? No, my car's... You'll be not happy to know the car battery's flat again. Yeah, I'm aware.

It is very hard to quit when you run a gig because you're sitting there, it's boring, you get free drinks. Well, that's it. Yeah, but I mean, life's boring, though. I mean, you get up in the morning, what am I going to do? I might as well start drinking gotta get milk out of the fridge

oh there's all these beers here I might as well yeah no but that's that's what I was going to say because like from being at

three gigs this week without drinking I was like fuck comedy is boring how have you how have you done 27 years of comedy no I understand that

well that's why I come and go pretty quick because you from all the gigs I'm in and out you don't hang around no but when I't hang around.

No, but when I do hang around, everyone's very good. Are you plugging comedy at the moment, just in general? No, it's worth hanging around. Also, fuck you. I was hanging out and hanging with you Thursday night. You're like, yeah, it's boring. I want to go back to the blackout thing. Because, Brett, you probably relate to this.

I, in my head, I was talking to someone about this a few months ago. Yeah. Just the concept of blacking out and what that means, right? And I would always say, yeah, I've never blacked out. I drink a bit, but I've never blacked out. You've never blacked down. Well, I always assumed a blackout just meant full pass out, completely no recollection of the night. And then someone told me the actual definition is just anything where someone goes to you.

Remember we were talking about this last night? And you're like, no, not really. That counts as a blackout. Even just little patches of hair. Yeah, that's a minor blackout. It's like having a minor stroke. So then I was like, I blackout three times a week. I was like happy with my definition of it because it meant like I felt like I didn't have a problem. But now realizing that the goalposts are different.

It's like, oh my God. I couldn't find my keys this morning. Did I blackout? Well, I must be still blacking out. They're in your ass again, Carl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, I remember't find my keys this morning did I black out well I must be still blacking out they're in your ass again Carl yeah yeah yeah but I mean I remember

back in the days when I did drink it's that wake up and then you wake up in the morning or whatever time and then slowly it comes to you

you've got no idea what happened after like 8pm last night it's the worst I get looking for your phone going I don't remember taking that photo I don't remember

being at that bar no well I've never had that experience I've talked about it on the show before. Never had it until I started dealing with Milan. Yeah, right, right. So he's responsible for the only blackouts I've ever had. Oh, shots.

Are they involving shots? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My big one is like opening Uber the next day and knowing that I got an Uber home the night before but not really remembering being in it. Yeah. And it comes up with the like right and tip the driver thing

and the little photo of the driver being there. Like, what a nice-looking young man he looks like. Absolutely no recollection of seeing this face ever in my life before. It was like, even at your birthday, the karaoke, I had a photo of me with a vape pen. And I was like, where the fuck did I get that? And someone's like, you found it on the floor. Yeah, you found a vape pen on the ground.

I found a vape pen and I was just vaping all night with it. I was like, I don't remember buying a vape. My biggest blackout ever, I reckon, is I walked out the lounge room one day and I was still living at home. My mum probably about the age of- This is in Warrnambool? In Warrnambool. About the age of 20, I reckon.

I'd lived out of home for a couple of years, but we got evicted from our share house and moved back at home. What'd you get evicted for? What do you have to do in Warrnambool to get evicted? No, we used to have like, you know, someone would, we were bored

so someone would drive down to the abattoir and pick up a couple of sheep and just drive them home and just, they'd be in the lounge room. So anything you work for Peter, you're an animals rights activist.

So this is before you got drunk? Yeah, no, it was during the night. I remember we, our landlord lived next door, which was, you know, that was silly. And they once knocked on our door and they had a sheep with a football jumper on. So is this your sheep? You had the landlord and then you had the lamb lord.

Yeah, exactly. Use that daily mail. I remember my mate had borrowed my car to go to the abattoir and didn't tell me about it. That wasn't my idea, but then I had sheep shit in my car for about two years. I mean, you could have cleaned it. I could have cleaned it. I love the idea of a landlord coming over and evicting you

and you just looking at that going, oh, that looks like fun. Can't wait to be a landlord myself one day. Exactly. Real aspirational stuff. Exactly. Anyway, so I remember once it was Christmas Eve and we were singing Christmas carols on the roof and then the police turned up with megaphones

and then we laid down flat on the roof and I can still remember them yelling, we can see you, dickhead. Anyway, back to my mother. I was living at home and she came out. I walked out in the lounge room. I had no recollection of what had happened the night before. And she said, I see you've got your wish.

I said, what are you talking about? She said, your day in court. And I said, what are you talking about? She handed me an arrest sheet. And I'd been arrested the night before and locked up just for being drunk, but spent at least four hours in lockup, as you know, to sober up. And I'd gone and I'd been let out and gone home. And I still couldn't remember that. Wow. So I couldn't remember after the sober up. And I'd gone and I'd been let out and gone home and I still couldn't remember that.

Wow. So I couldn't remember after the sober up. Oh, wow. And then about a week later, a taxi driver just pulled me over, like sort of cut me off in traffic. And I said, what are you doing? He said, I dropped you home from the police station last week and you said you were going in to get some money

and you never came out. Hang on. That was one of my last times. See, that's a worse credit than Dave Hughes' comedian. Yeah, yeah. But that's interesting that you say that because it's like, you know, there's stories about you when you started in comedy and like a lot of people take a while to get your feet in comedy and whatever,

and then all of a sudden you burst through the stratosphere and boom. For people in Warrnambool that grew up with you, they knew of Dave Hughes, local semi-alcoholic. I remember I was once selling tickets at a local show, the Warrnambool show. I was selling tickets so you could win Bart Simpson dolls. Anyway, I was really winning in life. And a woman came up to me and said, so you can speak? And I said, what are you talking about?

She said, I see you out every weekend and you've never been able to speak. And I remember thinking, where might I get that bad? Do I? Wow. I like the idea that everyone in Warrnambool has not heard of you since then until like the last year. And all of a sudden they see up on TV, Hughsy, we have a problem. It's like, well, I know what this is about.

This is just an Alcoholics Anonymous show every week. He's speaking for once. This is weird. How did he get a job on radio? The guy I had my last drink with, actually, who has kept drinking all those years, 27 years, the other day, he got a $1,500 fine from the Lawn Hotel because he flooded his hotel room.

And how did he flood it? He fell asleep in the shower while sitting on the plug hole and he was asleep for eight hours. I mean, it must have been a good hot water system. Yeah. So he had an eight-hour sleep while the room just, what, two foot of water. He didn't drown. Again, it's nice to hear these kinds of things,

because it just puts it all in perspective, where you go, no, I'm fine. I don't think I have it in me to fall asleep in the shower. We talk about it on the radio, and a lot of people have done it. It's an actual thing. Yes, people fall asleep in the shower on the plug hole. There was a man who couldn't find his bed, well, to say, Franklin, one year,

couldn't find his bed and just went into the shower, turned the hot water on and just fell asleep under it. Couldn't find his bed but could find the shower. I know, he always, and then one time he was just in a children's Cubby asleep Like it was on tour He just would find

The randomest place This is Chris Franklin Chris Franklin Yeah walked into The shower complex He's just under hot water Right I did a gig with Chris Franklin

One night And he said I've got nowhere to sleep tonight And I just had our We just had our first baby And I thought I can't bring you home And then my wife wakes up

In the morning And then you're in the lounge room this is at my gig too oh yes the one you did yes down in Fitzroy Street the area now

where there's no businesses at all isn't there it's weird anyway so and I said mate I can't really help you you know

not tonight but I was doing breakfast radio at the time and I rang him the next morning just to see on air

to see how he'd gone and I woke him up not good enough for a spare bed, but good enough for content. I woke him up. We woke him up and he was asleep under a bridge. Yes. Because he then came back to that pub where the gig was. Yeah, right.

And they were like, oh, we'll just let him in because he had nowhere to go. And then the pub was ringing me up going going can you come and get him or something so then he was gigging for me the next day so then he went straight from that pub and then hit up the other pub

that he was gigging for me at and was like can you open up early so I can hang out there so he just went Chandler Venue Bridge

Chandler Venue did a bit of PR in between he's one of the last men in Australia to actually get scurvy. Yeah, yeah. We'll talk about that.

He hadn't eaten any fruit or vegetables for years and actually got scurvy. Fuck. He's a hard man to track down, but I'm trying to get him on the show. It's not hard to track down. Just go to your local bridge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah. Where does he live now?

He lives somewhere. He lives in Tasmania. Tasmania, yeah. In Tasmania Which is a good place for someone Who seems to be a pirate to live, I think I don't know if this is a crook story I can tell about him

But I will anyway But on his Because he wrote the song You know, I'm a bloke Yeah, well, mate The song I'm a bloke And he used to do that in pubs And it was

If you don't know, Google it Yeah, it's a song parody of Meredith Brooks Meredith Brooks. Meredith Brooks. Yeah. I'm a bitch, blah, blah, blah. And he used to do that in pubs back in the late 90s. And he said to me one day, I'm going to put that out as a single.

And I'm like, good luck with that, man. It was number one in Australia. That was a time when people still bought records. It was number one for like 10 weeks. Crazy. On his wall, there was the album, the gold album or whatever, and there was just two dark patches. And I was like, what are those patches on the back?

And what happens, he got so mad at one night, he opened up the back of it and stole the pack of Winfield that were in there and smoked it. Oh, my God. It was like commemorative smoking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he had the album, and then I was like, what was the other patch? And he goes, it was a VB.

He drank the beer and smoked the darts. I was like, that rules. I wish podcasting and stuff worked the way record labels do. You know, it'd be nice if iTunes sent us a golden download for a really popular episode that we could have framed on our wall. You've got to work it out. You do it yourself, you know? Just print it out.

Just get an old iPod and make it gold plate. Let's both do it. You've been talking for a while about how you've got no art hanging up in your apartment. You want to have some stuff. Just like iPod dipped in gold and then we get a little commemorative plaque from Steve Jobs. This podcast

is like number one or something, isn't it? Let's say that. I's say that, yeah. Well, it's up there. I know it's a massive podcast. That's why I'm here in Brett Blake's lounge room. I made it, dude. That's a leather wheelie chair, so. I was just hoping by the end of this episode you might buy this apartment block maybe and

kick him out. What rent are you paying? Can I ask? Is that personal or not? It's about two grand a month. Oh, so you're paying 500 a week? Yeah. How many bedrooms is it?

Two bedrooms. What do you think? Is that on the level? It's in a great spot, isn't it? It's a good spot. Fuck. Getting roasted. By the fucker who used to have a sheep in his lounge room.

And you've got a balcony. You've got a balcony? You've got a balcony. That is good. It's You've got a balcony and it's a leafy outlook. And you just, yeah, it's in a beautiful part of Melbourne. You could walk to the MCG in like 10 minutes. 10, 10, 15. Yeah. No, you have tidied up the place.

The last time I was here, it looked fucking no good. Because I watched. All right. No, I'm saying I like it. I like it now. It's looking good. Did you tidy up for this podcast? No, no, no, no.

Did you do something? I had another roommate, and now he's gone, and I've kind of bought new furniture and stuff like that. So this morning, did you have a panic clean-up this morning? No, no, I'm a pretty clean guy. You are. This is pretty standard for pretty impressive. Last time I was here, we were watching the Champions League final.

Yeah, I'm still paying for that fucking soccer subscription. Yeah, yeah, you subscribe to it it and you're still paying for it. You gotta watch it. I bought a subscription because I wanted to watch a guy in a marathon. You know, one of those Kipchecki or someone. Anyway, breaking a world record in a marathon. Oh, yes, yes. So I subscribed to some sort of athletic.

Like KO or something? Just running. No, it's a specific running. Oh, athletics. Yeah, just running like a marathon thing. And I'm still paying for it. I just cancel my credit cards every year. Yeah.

Because I never remember. And I do it every time I hire a car as well. I just say it's the credit card stolen because you just know they're going to jip you with a three grand bill. That's a really good idea. Yeah. Just go, yeah, take the credit card. I had to pay you for something recently. And I've got like four different bank accounts that you saved in my thing.

Are you on the lam or something? Yeah. What does on the lam mean? That's like... On the run. Oh. On the run from Husey's house. So how are you feeling six days in?

Do you think you'll last it? I'm excited, but I'm excited about it. You haven't had a hangover in six days, man. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, fuck the dream. I've been feeling good, but even after two days, I was just filled with self-importance going, yeah, I'm off the beers, everyone.

I'm feeling good about myself. I've done it for way longer than what I've done it for. I need to get off the beers because I keep getting the blackout drunk and buying the dumbest shit ever. What are you buying? I just bought an arse hose like they have in Thailand great

this just turns up in the mail because I don't check what comes in because I'm always buying some crap online I thought that was

some sort of smoke it looks like some sort of inhaler I thought it was like a post mix coke

like squirt you probably could rig it up and squirt it up your arse. Yeah. Coke Zero straight up the day. It looks like a Ventolin one though, doesn't it?

It looks a little bit Ventolin. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's been used. I wouldn't put it too close to your mouth, is he? Yeah, right. I thought it had a lid on it. No, that is... So it's this nice little drunken lucky dip in the morning when you go to the post box.

Yeah, I get parcels and I just go to the post office. I'm like, what have I ordered today? But I had a bad one about a month ago because I went to the post office and I've been getting into hiking lately and I was going to buy

some hiking poles and I had a long box and I just, I teared it apart. Hiking poles? Yeah. Where are you hiking? Man,

I've, I've looked at the walks of Melbourne. I've taken up hiking. I go, I go hard. How steep does it have to be for, I've Like ski poles? Walks of Melbourne I've taken up hiking I go hard But how steep does it have to be You need the poles Yeah

What are the poles for? Are you going down the hill? When you've got a rucksack Are you skiing down the hill? That's not hiking If you're going down the hill That's skiing You're trying to pole vault yourself

Up to the top of the hill When you've got a rucksack Like a big pack on It's good for stabilisation When you're going up hills Can't you just get a stick? That's what You just find a good stick In the bush I'm not a hills. Can't you just get a stick? That's what you just find a good stick in the bush.

I'm not a pov-o. I don't need a stick. How long are you going out for like for your big rucksack? Two or three days. You need a big rucksack for that dude. Yeah three days worth

of equipment. What are you what sort of what? Tent. Food. You need it all. A hose to squirt up your ass in the middle of the bush.

An esky for all your beer. You're going there you're drinking on these expeditions? I mean yeah. I'm not a coward. You don't need to. An esky for all your beer. You're going there, you're drinking on these expeditions? I mean, yeah. I'm not a coward. You don't need to take food. Just get Uber Eats once you're up there.

Yeah, yeah. Fucking idiot. They deliver. Could you get Uber Eats? Just make some fucker on a bike. Yeah. No, no. No bike.

Just like some bloke with a rucksack on his shirt over poles. Yeah, yeah. Expected delivery time, four hours. Well, I do really want McDonald's up here, so. He's earned his five dollars I like the U-turn that that story took yeah I order things

when I'm blackout drunk so I've been getting into hiking I'm trying to get more hobbies but I thought it was hiking poles but I opened it up

and it was in in the fucking post office and it was a machete can you order a machete like a sharp one yeah like an actual full machete. Can you order a machete, like a sharp one?

Yeah, like an actual full machete. I don't like it. I'll show you right now. I don't like it. Is this a hiking thing as well? But also, are we about to die? I don't know what's going on. How long is this machete going to be if you mix it up for a fucking ski pole or whatever? Oh, fuck, that's a long machete.

That kills people. Yeah, that's a long machete. That kills people. Yeah, that's... But then it just escalated because I was now... Then it escalated. You need to unsheathe it, don't you? We need to unsheathe your escapade.

Then I was just holding a machete in the South Yarra post office and I had to walk home with the fucking thing and people were crossing the road. Oh, Jesus. That's a weapon.

It's like a massive diving knife, isn't it? Yeah, for people at people at home this is like you would imagine that you're chopping a tree in half for this thing yeah this is like it's fucking sharp as well watch out that's a that's a massive thing jesus you know that's that's you're dead real what three swipes and it's all over yeah one if you get how much does it cost you i think i looked at it was like 180 dollars you're a fucking idiot. I know. What do you think drunk Brett wanted this for? Was this a completely mistaken business? I watch a lot of hunting programs when I maggot on that.

I just get drunk. I was like, maybe I was into like... But you could get through the bush in this. Yeah, but I don't think... I don't know why. I don't know if that would be handy on your hiking. We know when you go through... People at home usually hold it in the wrong way.

But both sides are sharp. Are they really? Yeah, it's a double. Yeah, it in the wrong way but it's both sides are sharp are they really yeah it's a double it's serrated is it really so you can cut down stuff yeah you can you can swipe through

the bush with that yeah so I just I ended up having to hold that and walk home with it I was like fuck this

yeah and you look like someone who would be pulled over by the police I love that you open your mail in the post office I was excited to see what it is. You've also got a Thrasher shirt on as well. What's the Thrasher?

I'm cool, man. Is that a cool? It's like skating. It's like an old jumper, yeah. It says Thrasher, though, and if you're holding one of those machetes, it all adds up, basically. He skates, too. He's a cool guy.

I'm a cool guy. Going down the street on a skateboard Machete in hand Machete in hand Are you one of those skaters Who like goes down Steep hills and stuff No I skateboard For a little bit

But I'm too old He skates uphill He's got skater poles I don't skate uphill You see those guys Going down Generally guys Going down hills

Are really fast on skateboards And you think How are they going to stop Yeah yeah yeah I'm too old for skating I prefer adult pursuits like buying knives and bum hoses

on the internet. Well, I'm looking after my bows, you know? You told me a little while back about another drunken you getting home and you did say

oh, we won't talk about this on the show but we absolutely will. Rookie mistake, Brett. Yeah, you got... You're always fucking writing notes when i start

i know it's annoying i'm like that's coming up well it's perfect because you can never read what i'm fucking writing down so you don't know what's happening very funny i'm dyslexic they like to make fun of me because i'm very easy you know well i've got a lot of you i've got a few books on the shelf there that all i'm starting to go blind not properly blind but just old man blind and my wife laughs at the font on my kindle just openly laughs really you've got glasses well they're reading glasses

but I lose them you get that little string around your neck I should do that

but so can you not read properly the words jump around I don't bother what audio

books he just chops them now that's what he's got the knife for

can you have a look at this I've got a fucking machete do you think I'm looking at fucking books I can't read them but I can destroy them pointing the machete

at the book stop it sit still could you get audio dyslexia where are the words I don't know I think that's just

a fancy way of saying death so you now what happened was you what happened was you got home drunk. I got home one night and I don't remember. You couldn't get in. No, I'll tell you. It's going to happen in a sequence. Okay, sorry.

So I woke up and that window was on the ground, like it'd been kicked in. And I was like, fuck, someone has broken into my house. Yeah. So I called the cops. This is like at 5 a.m. or something like that. And then the next, and I was like, fuck, someone's broken into the house, rang the real estate agent. I was like, rang the cops.

I was like, fuck, this is, you know, full on. Nothing was stolen. We're actually talking about this window. This window right here, the bottom one here. But it's a balcony though, for people who don't know. Wish you guys could see it at home. It's a balcony. It's a hell of a window. But it's a balcony window. Yeah. I just don't know wish you guys could see it at home it's a balcony it's a hell of a window but it's a balcony window yeah well i just don't know how

all shall be revealed um and then i reported the cops brought the real estate agent you know got the window fixed and then i was like as a courteous neighbor i just was like i don't know the lady next door i was like just so you know Someone Oh you've got next door Last night Just so you're aware You know Make sure you keep your things locked And she's like

No No And I was like What? And she's like You Kicked in your own window I went out and spoke to you

And apparently what happened is She goes I saw you get a A couch From the side of the road Because I live on a first floor apartment What? And apparently what happened is She goes I saw you get a couch From the side of the road Because I live on a first floor apartment And I've pulled the couch Up the hill

Pushed it up against the building And then I've scaled up She's just watching me going What the fuck is this guy doing And then Not intervening That's the bit I love Just pouring a tea

What are those scaling poles he's using to get up the couch as well? I could have used the hiking poles if I didn't. And then I put that. Big rucksack on my back, so it took ages to get up the wall. And she just said she just saw me kicking in the door and then putting the chair through it and then just crawling in. So, anyone putting the chair through it as well? Yeah, the chair.

Well, because I think it's lam laminated So it's quite a hard glass And Carl's the one Having the month off the drug Yeah That is Yeah that is That's full on man Yeah and then I

And I was like You're lucky you didn't Like hurt yourself Obviously crawling through The broken glass Well it was laminated So it's all together So it came through

Often one sheet Yeah just one sheet Is laminated in the middle Three middle each side Used to be a glazier Anyway So this couch that you found Was this something That you had seen They're often one sheet. Yeah, just one sheet slam out in the middle. It's three mil each side. It used to be a glazier. Anyway. So this couch that you found, was this something that you had seen earlier on a walk?

No, it's a couch. It's a couch. Hey, on a hike. On a hike, sorry. No, it was a couch I threw onto the street about two days beforehand. Oh, really? On a couch, yeah. I put it over the other side, tried to blame the other neighbours. But it was a good effort to get up there, though.

How far? It's just one level up, aren't we? It's one level. But I've been watching the dawn wall, so I felt inspired. Yeah, well, that's a good effort to get up there, though. It's just one level up, aren't we? It's one level. But I've been watching the dawn wall, so I felt inspired. Yeah, well, that's a mad effort. Absolutely. So you'd already called the cops and everything and reported a break-in? Yeah.

And then were you walking around in the morning trying to see if anything had been stolen? Yeah, I was looking for stuff. It just didn't click. And I went and had a daytime gig for the Collingwood Football Club and then came back and then was just trying to be a nice neighbour. But even the real estate agent's like how do they get up i said i don't know you know what i mean it's it's a real mystery it's a real mystery so who had so you had to pay for all this to be fixed obviously yourself no who paid for the real estate agent so they sort of they still don't know well they fucking do now actually a made-up story lj hook a big listener of the

of the show. Where had you been the night before? Where the party had been? Man, I wish I could tell you. I honestly don't know. No, I don't know.

But yeah, it must have been a wild one. Yeah, no. I think Landlord Husey's hating this story. He's going to write you out to your real estate agent an anonymous tip off. Yeah, Sheep Husey's a long time ago now. Landlord Husey's hating this story. He's going to write you out to your real estate agent, an anonymous tip-off.

Yeah, Sheep Husey's a long time ago now. Landlord Husey's. And, of course, this story, if you are listening to my real estate agent, it's completely made up. It's made up. It's a comedy. It's a sketch podcast. It's a sketch podcast.

I'm doing a zany character over here. It's like the Mothman writer's story in the tele. We're not even at Blakey's house. Yeah, this is not even – We're in Thailand. That's not even Husey. It's Dave Thornton doing H Blakey's house. We're in Thailand. That's not even Hughsy. It's Dave Thornton doing Hughsy's voice. Well, a thing that we have to follow up on the show is Tommy Daslow has recently been to Hawaii.

He went to Hawaii on a dirty weekend with his parents. Went to Honolulu for Christmas with my mum and dad. How was it? Sounds lovely. It was lovely. It's a good spot. Because you did say to me about a month or two ago when you made the call,

you were like, you know what, I actually don't really like Christmas at all. I don't look forward to Christmas. Don't like it at all. Anyway, so I'm going to Hawaii. I'm like, awesome. And you're like, with my parents.

I'm like, but isn't that Christmas? Isn't that just... Well, yeah. I mean, that's the thing is that it's... I would have loved to just go and do something by myself. Right. But that would be... my parents would go insane. Oh, really?

Well, yeah. I mean, I'm an only child, so it's like, well, what are we going to do? Yeah, without you, it's not really Christmas. They would be pretty upset at me just going, get fucked, I'm just going to go away. So they don't have other bits and pieces of family have Christmas with them, usually? They sort of do, but we're often like, we kind of bounce around.

We'll sometimes go to my aunt and uncle's place or we'll link up with like family friends or whatever so there's not like a default like big thing that they go to right so it's often like what are the three of us going to do whatever's happening who are we going to attach ourselves to yep so we talked about this a little while back and we were saying a funny idea i don't know how we got to this conclusion but we were like you know it would be great be great. You're over there on Christmas Day. You sort of, you know, you've got your family thing to do. But what would be great is if you, for Christmas, give yourself a little present maybe, is if you had sex on Christmas Day.

You're looking for something to do. Have sex. Pick up a local on Christmas Day. We got so excited about it. The people who were on the podcast at the time, which was Jen Fricker and Mike Olsen, we said, we'll chip in. We'll make this happen. You'll even be making money out of this.

I think it was like talking about- When you say chip in, it makes it sound like he's paying for it now. Well, yeah. No, you're not. Well, you're not paying. I'm intrigued. This story's got me going. I am in. I might press pause. If I've got to go do something, I'm coming back to this. So what? Keep going. So we were chipping in money. We wanted you.

We're very enthusiastic about you just going over there and meeting a local. The idea of me being on a family holiday, being single, what am I going to do at night when my parents go to bed? Yes. Go out and have drinks and maybe meet people, and then just that being very funny about trying to get your rocks off while you're on a holiday with your mum and dad in tow. But on Christmas Day.

Specifically on Christmas Day. On Christmas Day, especially. The idea of you in a bar meeting at random on Christmas night is amazing. It's an amazing visual. Which, on the way over there, just before I went, I was talking to someone about how, and as a slight deviation, I don't know if you guys are in the same position. Do you remember, did you ever have the sex talk with your parents growing up? No.

Did your parents have that talk with you? No, really. They gave me a book, which was a big mistake. They gave you a book? Yeah. Oh, really? They go, there you go. And I'm just like, I can't read.

I just remember my mother saying to me, you must be having a lot of those funny dreams, David. And I was like, oh. I really need to get a box of tissues. Yeah. A lot of hard socks. Funny dreams. That's awesome.

I had not too, well, a little bit different, but I remember just like, yeah, but something like that happening where it was like, you know, I'm confused. No one's ever explained anything to me. There's no internet or anything like that. And me saying to my dad once when we're out walking in a paddock and me going, yeah, I'm just really, you know, a bit confused at the moment, you know, having these wet dreams and him just going, oh yeah, probably let's head back to the house. Funny dreams is so much better than wet dreams.

That's sick. Yeah, because I was talking to someone about that and then I was just laughing about the idea of like, maybe on this holiday, you know, I never had the sex talk from my parents. Maybe it's time. I just love the idea of sitting down with my dad and trying to have a heart-to-heart like dad i was on the beach today and i saw a buxom woman in a bikini and it just made me feel really funny down there like what's what's happening to me like what's the latest someone's had the sex talk with their parents you know that's my goal for this year i'm gonna try and oh my god i want to try it i'm gonna bring it up

i'm gonna need to secretly tape that don't they they? So you need to tape. And enforce my dad into having sex. Your dad would be the best at giving the sex story as well, just fucking a long run up. You know what would be even better is if you had the sex talk with your parents on the plane. Oh, yeah. You're in the middle seat, either side, the sex talk in stereo from your parents.

Well, with some of the movies they show on the planes these days, you can actually find the sex scenes in the movies. So maybe you could just put one of those on and say, mum and dad, what's happening here? I'm confused. Just fully half-masked. Where does this go?

Dad, I think I need to go to the bathroom. I feel weird down there. Do I have to hit the button for an attendant to come and clean this up? Or what do I do here? Just shooting loads on a plane. Well, so that's the thing.

Like we head over there and I was thinking, like, you know, my big activities for this year on the podcast have been me flying to rural Western Australia to jack off a bull. Yes. And then me in – We don't need to explain that to Husey. That's all extremely – I think it's all in there.

Yeah, I don't understand why you'd do that. I mean, that would be a big job, though, I imagine. Is that a two-hander, is it? It was a full day. You actually don't put any hands on the cock. Was that a two-hander, is it? It was a full day. You actually don't put any hands on the cock. You have a thing

up the arse. Like a pocket pussy or something? No, you have a thing up the arse of the bull that stimulates

an erection. If you were there for the explanation of this, how did you not know this? I just said I broke into my own fucking apartment and my memory's good.

And then you just hold a cup underneath and it catches it. What size cup? Just for people it catches it. What size cup? Just for people, is it a full big cup or? It's probably about the size of this, like a standard glass. Yeah, right, so 300 mils.

Standard homeware glass, yeah, 300 mils. Which has really changed his funny dreams since then. He does his funny dreams in a completely different way. That was one of the funniest dreams I've had in a long time. That was a real thigh slapper that day. A button something slapper. So, yeah, just thinking about that, like doing that earlier in the year and then going to Honolulu on this strange bet to try and have sex.

Like, geez, it'd be nice if my content for this year on the pod, that's my resolution. Have some content on the pod that's not genital related and takes place in Melbourne. Would be truly wonderful. What did you do on Christmas Eve? Did you go out or not? Christmas Eve. What did we do Christmas Eve? Because that's the thing.

So you're there with your parents and it's full time. It's just absolutely nonstop. Like it's exhausting. So you're looking after, you're the minder. Yeah, basically. How old are your parents? How old are they? Dad's 73.

Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah. And mum is, I think. But in good shape. Both in good shape. Yes. Very mobile. Yes.

Definitely. Mobile, but still, you know, everything, every meal, every decision is like five hours worth of food. Yeah, yeah. Just everything. Physically mobile. Yeah. Mentally. Yeah.

Just in a ditch. They need some mental Pulse Mental pulse My friend Like when I got back I was talking to A friend of mine

Just got back to Melbourne She went camping With her parents Between Christmas and New Year And they were in an area Where they got trapped Because of the bushfires And they had to

Evacuate their campsite And everything Obviously very like Traumatic and stressful But just like Having just been on a holiday With my parents And putting myself In the position of having to go through

an evacuation with your parents as well, like just your mum being like, now, should we go now or should we go later? Do you want to go? Because we can do whatever you want to do. If you want to evacuate, we'll evacuate. Have you got spare undies with you? Let me check.

Fucking hell, mum. I'd be going, let the flames take me. I can't handle this. Do your parents fight? Why are you walking into the flames, Tommy? You must be walking away from them. You know why, mum. Why are you taking the elevator?

Do they fight? No, they're pretty cute. They still hold hands in the street and stuff. That's very sweet. Well, I mean, yeah. Were you in the same room with them on this holiday? Looks like Daddy got one away, though. So, were you in the same...

Like, are you, like, separate rooms, or what are you doing there? No, we were both staying in separate Airbnbs. So, I was, like, around the corner from them. Oh, in a separate Airbnb. Yeah. Intriguing. Yeah. That's a wild move as well, going on a family holiday and going,

see ya. Yeah. Well... Didn't the Airbnbs have more than one room in them? It was just really hard to find ones that had multiple bedrooms. And Tommy had banging to do. Actually, you're right. You're dead right.

He had business to attend to. But probably they had business to do as well. They didn't hold a cock blocker in the room. They didn't do more than holding hands. They're still mobile as we've heard. They had some funny dreams to attend to. I did get excited for Christmas Day. So mum had booked us in for a lunch on Christmas Day at a restaurant in a resort.

And I had this Uber driver one day who was telling me that on the weekends he drives Uber Black. Like his wife has a nice car that he drives around. That he's allowed to use on weekends. That he's allowed to use on weekends. For his own personal use. For his own personal use? Mm-hmm. For his own personal use, the Uber Black card, or is he driving Uber Black on weekends? He drives Uber Black on weekends.

Yeah, right. And he was telling me that he's driven celebrities around, and I was like, oh, who have you had? And he's like, I've had Ben Affleck, Christian Bale, Katy Perry, Orlando Bloom. Wow. All these great celebs. This is big. Christian Bale was a fucking asshole. Was he?

Yeah. Not shocking. What was that select like? Also, why are they getting Ubers? Some cash for a problem? Uber Black, mate. Uber Black, though. Yeah.

Oh, right. It's a fancy, is it? So what I'm getting out of this story so far is Tommy Daslow's on the same level as these aforementioned stars. No, he's midweek. He's not a weekend. Did make that joke. Pay attention to your own podcast, mate.

Right, sorry. I did have one guy who I was telling that I did comedy, and then he's like, do you have stuff on YouTube that I could watch? And I'm like, yeah, yeah, I guess. And then he's like, you know, he's got the phone, like, mounted, and he's got the Maps app up, and he goes, oh, and he, like, goes to open YouTube. And he's like, what's the name?

I'm like, if you could watch the clip when you're not driving me around, it would be fantastic for several reasons. He just gives you a thumbs down on the video in front of you. Not for me. Too much cancer content. Makes a comment, this is fine. Or that this guy's as unfunny in real life as he is on this movie. Didn't leave a tip.

And then he's like, before even watching the video, he's like, when you get out, can I get a photo with you? I'm like, you haven't even watched the video yet. So then we pull up. And also, you've met proper famous people. No, no, no. This is a different Uber driver. Oh, I was going to say, that would be the best part.

Like Christian Bale. And one time I met Tommy Tassolo from Australia. And they're like showing him the photo of this guy. Like no one's like, who the fuck is this? Not as famous, but a nice guy. Gave me a bit of rating. That was a funny thing because we pull up. He drops me off and he's done that thing where he,

like it's just worked out that he's gotten a new fare and he's picking up these new people where he's dropped me off. So we pull up and he's like, oh, so can I get that photo with you? And I'm like, sure. And there's these two girls waiting to get in the Uber, just watching their Uber driver get a photo with the man who's just been getting out of the car. And then I was just like, God,

I wish I could hear the start of this conversation. But also that was the time to pick up. Exactly. No, no. Look at what he goes on, you know. I'm famous. They're like, that's Tommy Dasolo. That's a great move.

Oh, actually, can I just get back in the Uber and go back to where you are? I'll just split it up with these guys. I'll give you my number. With the accent. I think it's a bit more. Fair, fair, fair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But anyway, so this guy telling me about all the famous people he's had,

I was like, so where's a good place to go and like celeb spot if I wanted to do that? Like where do famous people hang out? And he said, if you go and hang out at the bar or restaurant at this resort, that's kind of where they all congregate. What resort? Can you remember? The Moana Surf Rider.

Yeah, right. Which was where my mum had booked us in for Christmas lunch. So then I tell mum that. I'm like, hey, you've really got your finger on the pulse. You've managed to pick us into the place where all the most famous people go to eat. And mum goes, wow, do you think we'll see a celebrity on Christmas Day? Like Hillary Clinton? Just a wild pick.

Is she a celeb? I mean, technically, yeah. But it feels weird to put the term of celebrity in presidential candidates. You could have got ScoMo, though. Was ScoMo over

there then? He missed him by two days or something, I think. Oh, did you? Yeah, yeah. I got there right after he left.

Could have gave him a legit handshake. Dude, the footage is awful. Just like him forced to pick up people's

hands. He should have stayed over there, shouldn't he? He shouldn't have come back. I did the reality tour.

I ended up, I walked past the, you know, where he got snapped, like the kind of... For overseas listeners, this is the Prime Minister

of Australia. Current Prime Minister of the country who fucked off while the country is in the middle of a severe bushfire crisis.

Everyone needs a holiday though, come on. He came back and has just fucked it up even more since. He honestly should have stayed there. Yeah, yeah. That's. He came back and has just fucked it up even more since. So he honestly should have stayed there. Yeah, yeah.

That's the thing is, like, you know, my parents are boomers and they're pretty, like, can't really connect with them on any kind of policy stuff with politics. But I thought, surely the callousness of a PM fucking off in the middle of a crisis, surely that cuts through. And I brought that up to them and just really did get the party line of, like, well, what's he meant to do? Cancel the holiday? Like, fucking hell. I mean, since it's non-refundable flights, he's only human.

He's just not throwing money away. That is a reasonable point. He's probably already paid for the extra baggage on Jetstar. You can't. That's how it's up. For anyone over 70, you cannot cancel a flight. You just can't. You absolutely can't.

Well, that was the thing. Our flights getting over there got cancelled two days in a row. So I did have a very stressful start to the trip with the parents. Yeah, right. They'd be freaking out. Yeah. Yeah. Which would have made you even more toey, in my humble opinion.

Oh, just ready to explode. So then... Yeah, keep going. I want to find out. Well, did you... Not any questions. Well, did you go out on your own when you're in Honolulu? So you've done Christmas lunch? So you've done Christmas lunch.

So we've done Christmas lunch. No celeb spottings. That was the thing I thought, maybe I'll fuck someone famous. I can't reach for the stars. You've got a long task of fucking someone on Christmas day and going, yeah, I reckon I could bang Katy Perry as well. Yeah, I can't wait for the end of this story where he bangs Hillary Clinton.

Now that would impress your mum. So then, so already like stressful start to the holiday. We're walking down the street. Clock's ticking. You haven't picked up at lunch. Clock's ticking.

Hadn't picked up at lunch. So the day, Christmas day there and then the day before. Because I'm not chipping in 20 bucks for any rooting on Boxing Day. Let's make this very clear. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Absolutely. No, no, no. Also, are you like selecting the right meal? Because if you're planning to bang, you're not going to have a big parma for lunch. Are you watching what you're eating? Are you having salad? Just nothing but pineapple juice.

They'd make it good there too. That's the thing. The day of and the day before, because we've talked about it on the show and it's been kind of a thread for a few months now now then it was me getting messages non-stop from the fucking sweaty virgins that listen to this podcast just non-stop going did you fuck yet mate like everything i put on yeah because the time's all wrong because it's like so honolulu he's like 22 hours behind yeah it's so it's a day back everyone on christmas day in australia is going well he's done it wrong because it's like, so Honolulu, he's like 22 hours behind. Yeah, so it's like a day back.

Everyone on Christmas Day in Australia is going, well, he's done it by now. It's like, it's Christmas Eve. It's Christmas Eve. He's piling the pressure on. I went on a nice hike and like put a photo up the top of the mountain. Oh, unassisted? Mountain. Put a photo on the top of the mountain and then got just so many comments on the photo going like,

did you fucking slam any puss up there? Just like absolutely horrific stuff. Love your mum and dad looking through your socials going, did you rail any chicks yet? You're like, what is this? I really want to know. I am one of those sweaty virgins. What happened?

Hey, cunt, did you join the Mile High Club at the top of that mountain? Did you get sucked off on the plane? Got altitude sickness, passed out, had a funny dream up there. Does that count? I did. I put sickness, passed out, had a funny dream up there. Does that count? I did. I put up, at one point I was in like, I think on, I can't remember when this was.

I think this was maybe Boxing Day over there. By the way, I love that me and Blakey are into the podcast, are happy for this to drag on as long as you can. Husey's used to three-minute talk breaks on the radio going, fucking put your dick in somewhere. We want to hear about it. You need to know, man. You need to know what happens.

On Boxing Day, I was in a little supermarket and I saw a product that was like a Super Mario wet wipe container. It was just this weird little Mario's head and you pulled the tissue out through the mouth. And I thought, oh, that's just kind of funny and weird. So I put a photo of that on my Instagram stories. What's saying that you had sex with that? Well no

just then the inbox lights up with people going this is a sign you were buying tissues to mop up car Just like And it's Mario

so you know it's good I thought you might have put your dick in that You've already got the wet ones inside so it's like I fucked Mario I can't wait to read

all about this on the Daily Mail by the way Famous comedian fucks Mario Famous comedian listens to a story I can't wait to read all about this on the Daily Mail, by the way. Famous comedian fucks Mario. Famous comedian listens to a story where Tommy Daslow fucks someone. So, yeah, Christmas night, I went out. On your own?

On my own, yeah. Mum and Dad go to bed pretty early. Are you on the dating apps? Are you on the dating apps on the lead up to this? I wasn't on the dating apps. Oh, risky move. So you're going old school? Are you on the dating apps on the lead up to this? I wasn't on the dating apps. Oh, risky move. So you're going old school. You're walking up to someone at a bar.

Yeah. Fuck, that's wild. But with the accent though, so the accent is, that opens doors, doesn't it? I don't know. In theory. So you look for a good pickup joint

or you're looking for the, is this the famous place? Well, so this is the thing. I got, a friend had just been recently and recommended a bunch of places and was like, this bar is really good. You'd said, where can I get my end wet in Honolulu? And they said. Yes, this bar, Legovers.

I'm still imagining Tommy in the bar, but still holding the Mario wet wipes and just trying to get a root with that. You're like, brother, lose it. BYO. Yeah. Your place or mine doesn't matter. I've got the utensils to clean up afterwards. wipes and just trying to get a root with that you're like brother exactly lose it byo yeah your place or mine doesn't matter i've got the utensils to clean up afterwards you're at the evidence so a friend of mine was like this place is really good he's right on the edge it's really good what was the bar called the bar was called fuck what was the name of it well the point is my friend was like this will be this is a great spot. I go to go there, Christmas night, it's closed.

And so then I'm on maps going like, yeah, fuck, there's just not that many places open. Christmas night, I believe, I don't think I've ever picked up on Christmas night, but I think that would be a good night to pick up because the people who are out on their own on Christmas night are sad. Yes. It's a high ratio of success. The few people that are out are up for it.

Are really looking for something to do. Yes. And there could be people in the same situation. Family holidays. Yeah. Or parents asleep. Got a podcast. Need to earn 60 bucks.

Got Mario wet wipes. Need to fucking clean something up. A friend of mine went out. Well, a family member of mine went out on Christmas Eve and picked up. Christmas Eve. Yeah. And then was at our family Christmas that year. With the...

No, no, no. Had like hung over and was like, had to kick him out this morning. And then the story goes on and on and she's like, I think he pissed in the bed too. I didn't have time to really deal with it or... That's a not funny dream. That's a horror. She's like, oh, it was a hot night.

It could have been sweat. Sweat sometimes can go through the mattress and we're like... Sweat's yellow? No. Sweat's yellow and only in the groin area. That's a good Christmas Eve. Sweaty groin. That is a good...

Yeah. That's a good party night, Christmas Eve. Yeah. Real drinkers. Yeah. Did you used to do that? Yeah, Christmas Eve was the biggest night of the year. Exactly.

If you lived away from Warrnambool You'd come back To sort of meet up With everyone I got berserk I got kicked out Of Christmas Eve mass About midnight

Midnight mass Went in with the lads And we just Got pissed at church We were already blind And we went in there And they kicked us out I was so hungover once

I didn't make it To Christmas at all I just stayed in bed Unreal The whole day That is I got so wild A maggot on wild turkey And my brother found me I hung over once. I didn't make it to Christmas at all. I just stayed in bed the whole day. I got so wild, a maggot on wild turkey,

and my brother found me out on the pavement. I was like, oh, this is warm. And he was like, you're just sleeping in dog piss. You know what? Back to me not drinking, 1992, I'd had a month off the grog in 1992, like you are, Carl, and I got to Christmas Eve, and that was the night I was going to get back on it.

And I actually made the decision on Christmas Eve, 24th of December, 1992, that's the night I made the decision never to drink again. Because I was like, it was in the afternoon. I thought if I get back on it now, I'll be just like I was before. So it was Christmas Eve is when I made the decision. But see, which do you think is the sadder night to be drinking, Christmas Eve or Christmas night? Christmas night is when I made the decision. But see, which do you think is the sadder night to be drinking, Christmas Eve or Christmas night? Christmas night is the saddest night. Really?

If you're out on your own on Christmas night, you should have picked up. Did you pick up? Wow, this guy's a master. All right, here's Katy Perry. We'll be back after this. So I end up at this bar that's like next to the Airbnb that I was in, that I'd been. It's handy, isn't it?

Close to where you're staying. Yeah. It just was one of the few places that happened to be open. We just got a place around the corner. Yes. Perfect. Love it. My parents are down the road.

If you've got anything messy in your bag, I can clean it up. So I was sitting there having a drink by myself, got chatting to some people. Then it sort of turns into like Did they start the conversation Or did you start the conversation That's I mean Always intriguing

When people are on their own in bars Yeah yeah yeah There was a girl Near me By herself Nice And then I got chatting to

This guy who I was sitting next to Got Got chatting to me You feel like in America Even in Hawaii Which is America This is the place to go to a bar On your own Because people like to talk Yeah like in America, even in Hawaii, which is America, this is the place to go to a bar on your own

because people like to talk. They talk in America. You go to England and people look at you like you're a serial killer but in America, you can do it. And it's Hawaii

where everyone should be happy. Yes. Everyone should be on holiday. Yes. Upbeat. Good temperature. Yes. I did feel like

because it's the season four, people probably watched it recently. You know the guy in Love Actually who's like, the problem is that British girls are too stuck up. I need to go to America where I'll be a stud. know the guy in Love Actually who's like, the problem is that British girls are too stuck up. I need to go to America where I'll be a stud. I did feel like that, you know, where he's like there at the end

and they were like, the only problem is we all sleep naked together. Oh, God, I can't remember it. I've never seen it. Although my children watched it the other night. My son, 10-year-old son watched it. Now I'm disturbed. Oh, yeah, you shouldn't let a 10-year-old watch it. Well, it was at a sleepover.

It wasn't my decision. Anyway. He watched Love Actually. Yes, he watched it. 10 years old, he watched Love Actually at a 10-year-old like that. Well, it was at a sleepover. It wasn't my decision. Anyway, I can't remember. Sleepover? He watched Love Actually. Yes, he watched... 10 years old, he watched Love Actually at a sleepover. That is fucking wild.

That's a bit weird. Anyway, it happened. But he's watched Step Brothers, whatever, which is different. Anyway, Step Brothers rules, I watched the other one. Right, so... Now that we're talking about this,

this is all like odds on. Like, if you haven't done it now, I'm fucking depressed. So you're in the bar, there's the guy... That'll make you depressed. The're in the bar there's the guy you depressed the guy was the guy joins you i'm talking to this guy yeah he works at a resort down the uh he's american yeah yeah he's american dude and then this girl that had been sitting near me she gets up and she goes to leave and he's kind of like oh hey where are you going have another drink like join us. Join our little group. So then it's me and her and this guy.

Where's she from? Is she American as well? She's Canadian. I don't know what that means. But now you've got the other dude. The machete. He's talking a lot about the wife. And have you mentioned to the guy at this stage anything about

this little endeavour that you're out doing no of course not yeah I'm just here to fuck someone make me sound psycho I've got a podcast

they're all paying me $60 to root someone last month I jerked off a bull I'll cut you in if you keep your mouth shut can you get that girl not to leave the bar

no he didn't even know that there was anything else. So we're all in. We're all in on this. Natural wingman impulses. So she comes back. So she comes back. She's sitting down with us. She gets talked into that, which is weird.

But anyway. Yeah, he was like, hey, where are you going? She's like, oh, I don't know. Go to another bar and get a drink. And he's like, just have another drink. Don't leave us. Yeah. Yeah.

So then the three of us are chatting. The guy eventually leaves. Oh, my God. Respect. Now we need a slight little description of the girl, age, statistics, anything you've got. Bus size. Go on.

Just so we know we've got a visual of what's happening. But you wanted to kiss her. 400 kilos. A lot to kiss. No, she was an of what's happening at this point. But you wanted to kiss her. 400 kilos. A lot to kiss. No, she's an attractive young lady. She's attractive. Yep. Age-ish.

Ooh. Never guessed that. I'd say roughly my age. Right. 23. 78. Right. So we're chatting and have a few drinks.

She gets up at one point and is like, I'm getting ready to head off. Do you maybe want to go and get another drink? Second venue is all over. But your Airbnb is around the corner. Everything's closed. I've already checked it all out. You know what's open?

My flat and my pants. All right. So there's people here. There are people invested here. Guys, I think it's time for jokes over. I missed that. Husey's really getting pretty serious. I'm invested here.

He's absolutely rigid. Love, actually. I can't remember how that ended, but I want to know how this ended. So she says, do you want to go get another drink? What happened? I said, no, thank you. I'm going to go to bed. No.

No. No, you didn't. Because. Why? You did not. This is a joke. Why? I, for the last couple of months, have been seeing someone.

And so. That is just. You have just ruined all our lives. I mean, different postcode. This is content, though. Surely she'll understand. Yes. Wreck your life.

But I mean, I hope you've told, before this comes out, you need to tell your girlfriend about this story, don't you? Oh, yeah, yeah. Does she know about this story already or not? She does now, yeah. But this is a hall pass. Surely you said to her, this is for the podcast. I'm gaining no pleasure from ejaculating in any way.

I swear to God, I won't even come. But you know what I'm really annoyed about? I feel bad for this girl, this Canadian girl who wasted her time with you. Now I'm the bad guy twice. Yes, you are. You're an absolute pussy tease. And this guy's been a great wig man. You've let everyone down. Everyone is disappointed now.

Even your little girlfriend's probably disappointed at this stage. Oh, she's disappointed alright, don't worry about that. What did you say to her then? Did you say I've got a girlfriend or not? No, I was hyping it up for the purposes of the story. We were just sitting having a nice chat for really not that long. But she did say to you... No, she was like, hey, I'm going to head off. And I was like, okay, see ya. Can the story. We were just sitting having a nice chat for really not that long. But she did say to you.

There wasn't a, no, she was like, hey, I'm going to head off. And I was like, okay, see ya. Can you just say when she left, she was like, I'm actually in a relationship, but I've got a podcast. Can I just confirm, would we or would we not have fucked? Yes, yes, yes, yes. That's what she said. Totally not dreaded it. Yeah, I want the credit.

That's all you need to hear anyway. Yeah, yeah. Like a note. Dear Carl, I would have sucked Tommy off. Yes. Officially. But you're still seeing this girl that you're seeing, yes? I would have sucked Tommy off. Yes. Officially. But you're still seeing this girl that you're seeing, yes? I am still seeing this girl.

Will she be there next Christmas? That's all we need to know. Is she going to get through to next Christmas with you and your parents? I'll give you $20 if you have sex with the girl you're seeing at the moment. Is that a thing? To be honest, I'm amazed that you don't know about this already because not long before Christmas, like not long before I left, me and her were out having a little public canoodle near a bike track. Oh, my God.

Just be careful with that. Can I say, me and my son, the other day, me and my son were sitting out in the grass in St. Kilda. He was eating popcorn chicken and I was having a vegan Subway. And there was two people who were both in their 70s, open mouth kissing right in front of us. It was just not the year in your 70s, but you've got to be careful with that. You know what I mean?

It was way too much. Public displays of affection. Open mouth 70s is way too much. It was full on. Or maybe they were Smith heads who were foot 30 and looked 70, but it was disturbing. It feels gross when you're doing it

but at the same time I kind of feel like you witness enough hideous public displays of affection where you're on the other side of it just looking at it

going, God, that's fucked. But then sometimes it's nice to go, you know what, it's my turn. It's my turn to put this kind of energy

out into the world. Where were you bashing? This was near the hour. So were people, they? This was near... We said like a bike track. Near the arrow. So were people, they could have gone past, but you weren't right in front of people.

I'm surprised I didn't see you walking by with my hiking poles. Tommy's making up. No, Blakey's seeing someone making up. That's not a hiking pole. I'm just happy to see you. Did you see Carlo? What was the start? No, so we were there and I see the cyclist come past

and I kind of make eye contact with the rider. As you were bashing? No, no, we just stopped. Just eye-fucking some other dude on a bike while you're macking on with your girlfriend. You won't cheat on her, but you'll eye-fuck another guy. Jesus Christ. It's like he's on a bike.

Is it like you're watching tennis, and your eyeballs are just constantly going back and forth? Because the bikes go fast. are you rotating her quite quickly? Are you on a bike? Are you making out with someone on a bike? No, I've got a lazy Susan down to the park. Oh, lazy Susan. So it was a guy on the bike.

Guy on a bike, make eye contact, notice this guy, and I think, this kind of looks like Ben Lomas. And then I see the glint of recognition in this person's eyes and he goes, as he's riding past, goes, oh, yes, comedy! As he just sails off into the distance. It was Ben Lomas. It was Ben Lomas. He would have loved it. And then this girl going, what the fuck just happened?

And me going, God, there's so much heavy explanation to do about my fucked life. And this girl, this girl says this, I got the feeling Tommy hasn't asked her name yet. Oh, you want to have a swipe about not naming her on the pod? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm aware. She doesn't want to be named on the pod. I went over there knowing that I did not want to do anything because, yeah, I really like this person.

If this was just, you're like, I've seen her and I just cheated on her. No, this whole podcast, I believe, is a love letter to his new girlfriend. I feel we are going to be, you know, when you get married and whatever goes on down the track, we'll remember this podcast as to the first time that was announced. Or if you break up, we'll remember the time you fucked up. When this podcast goes to the dogs, well, it happened here because Tommy wouldn't root someone.

For 20 bucks. No one will still regret having not done that. No one will listen ever again. They're like, what are we supposed to believe in? She dumps me and then like, she dumps me tomorrow and then next week I'm back on the pod like, I was just kidding, guys. I fucked someone real hard.

Tommy's cool. I went mask off over there. Your girlfriend knows about everything you back on the pod like, I was just kidding, guys. I fucked someone real hard. Tommy's cool. I went mask off over there. Your girlfriend knows about everything you do on the podcast, though. She's cool with – she'll be cool with this, yeah? That's the worry for me right now that we're – Well, that was the thing was that I got back – I told her, like, that I went over there with this, like, insane thing going on in the background and was, like, getting messages and everything.

And then on the day when, on Christmas Eve there, when people are like posting all these comments like, oh, have you fucking hosed anyone out yet? I'm just like, fucking hell. Have you hosed anyone out yet? What the fuck is going on? I'm tidying it up. The stuff these people send me is just hideous.

Make you skin crawl. Just all these online dork calls. I think they're into it though, aren't they? I've never seen a pussy before. I'm just like imagining her seeing this like, you know, just the comment section of that photo. Yeah, that you into it, aren't they? I've never seen a pussy before. I'm just, like, imagining her seeing this, like, you know, just the comment section of that photo. Yeah, that you were, like, some sort of fuck champion. This is a fucking fucking.

People barring for it. Tommy Daslow, fuck champion. But anyway, fellas, I'm sorry to let you down. I'm sorry that there's not a satisfying end to the story on the pod, and I'm sorry to the listener, but at the end of the day, I'm happier than I've been in a long time. Oh, my God, he's glowing. He's positive.

Are you pregnant? I mean, he's glowing, isn't he? I've never been so sad to hear about your happiness, Tommy. I feel betrayed. I feel cheated on. I do have something. Do you want to hear A previous Semi-rooting story

From a Christmas day Okay But you're not getting $20 I'm getting $50 Yeah what's the thing I now owe you No it wasn't a bet It was just we were paying you

I believe I think that was it Sure We'll have to go back Through the records But I'm happy to do it I'm not that desperate for it. Fine.

I'm okay. I'm okay. Oh, big shot. Yeah, yeah. Someone's doing all right. I don't need to get paid $20 for someone for not rooting for me. My anti-Gigolo. He's happy to do anything right now, Tommy Dasol.

He's happy. He's in love. He's on cloud nine. Oh, my God. He's in love. But now he's going to tell us about some previous rooting story. Yeah, well, I don't know. I feel bad.

I feel like there's an obligation. I can't wait cheating on your new girlfriend, though, by us about some previous rooting story. Yeah, well, I don't know. I feel bad. I feel like there's an obligation. I can't wait cheating on your new girlfriend, though, by talking about this previous rooting story. Let's get a money shot off the back of him. I've got to give the people something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A previous partner, we were heading down to a Christmas day at my aunt and uncle's farm,

and this was going to be her first time meeting my entire family. Yeah. So everyone. My mum and dad as well. Never met any of the family. So we're My mum and dad as well. Never met any of the family. So we're driving down. It's a long drive. It's about three hours out of Melbourne. And around

the two hour mark, I'm driving and she... Yes. Goes down. Keep going. Thank you, Husey. Sure. Good times. While driving. That rules. Again, the commercial radio brain. She went down on you Get into it

What's the secret What was going on I think We all knew what was going on Good on you So then We get to my aunt and uncle's house And

We get there first And then my parents turn up And My mum meets My partner for the first time And goes Oh We were driving behind you

Yes A fair bit of that drive. Yes. And then she's like, to me and my girlfriend, she's like, did you guys come down separately? Yes. I'm like, no, no, she was in the car. Great.

And mum's like, oh, because it looked like you were driving by yourself. You know, what I need to. Anyway, I wasn't kissing you on the lips. Goodbye. We know your ability to multitask. Were you looking in the rear vision mirror looking at your own parents? Yes. He was, wasn't he?

He was, wasn't he? He was. You never gave me the talk, so this is what has happened. Is this right? Is this what I'm doing right, Dad? Just staring into the rear view. Is it? I told someone that the other day.

And they were like, but was she like short enough? I'm like, no, she's like pretty tall. Like mum would have seen the height and gone, she'd be able to see that. She was having a nap

then she wanted to get back up and then she wanted to nap again. She wanted to get back up from the side. The dad was driving and going, good on you son. I had her in the boot.

It's a weird fantasy. No, she was lying down. Then she had to get up and spit something out the window, I think, and then went for a lie down again. Oh, brutal. Wow. All right. Tommy looked like he had a seizure at one point while driving.

He was swimming all over the place. He was singing along really loudly for about five seconds and then stopped. I saw you lighting a smoke at the end as well. It was weird. Oh, goodness. All right. Well, that'll just about do us for another week on the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Brett and Hughesy, thank you so much for joining us.

It was a pleasure. Both got comedy festival shows starting in the next couple of months, I'm assuming. Absolutely. Get online. Google. Debut's in... Ridiculous. Ridiculous.

Turn up wherever you... Just turn up. Yeah. And my new show, Go Hard or Go Home, which is Perth, Adelaide... Melbourne, I think is the name you're looking for.

I was getting there. Where I live? Just Google. Fucking Google it, you nerds. This truly was like an M. Night Shyamalan film. Yes. Big twist at the end

that left everyone disappointed. The master's back, baby. I'm thinking about all the times I sat in your car now. I got bullcum on my hand. Yeah, I'm fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Thanks, guys.

Thanks for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. Thanks. Any thoughts? 2020, you've done it for the first time. Damn. Hmm, any thoughts? 2020, you've done it for the first time. Damn, 2020 is going to be my year. That's a private joke that I enjoy.

That's a little behind the curtain one. You've got to keep it fun for yourself, don't you? Yeah, I hope you guys enjoyed that as much as I did. Very good shit.'re good what a great start to 2020 oh hang on they've done it again oh they've done it again all right is that was that we'd really hear about it if we forgot to say it is that a contractual thing that we have to say now it feels like we would be held to account by the listeners of this okay and if i know if anyone knows about being held to account by the listeners of this show, it's me. Okay. Sure.

They've done it again. Yeah. Thank you. Great start to the year. That was a very funny episode in that I feel like we haven't done one of these for a few weeks now. Yeah. We've had a bit of a break from it. And I, you know, towards the end of the year it's like anything like any sort of work i feel

like you're walking and going all right fuck what have we got here yeah you know but that one a bit of a you know a bit of a extra what do you call it thing my step extra spring in your spring my step yeah yeah yeah walking and going you know i had leftovers at the end of that you feel right you feel recharged you feel refreshed Lots of stuff to follow up on. Yeah, good. And also, this is now 100% of episodes released in 2020 have had Hughes on them. Yes. So that feels good.

A version of. We're on a streak. We're on a real streak. Hughes. Hughes. Good to hear the end of the story. So Hawaii's finished now Done and dusted

The Hawaii ordeal Yep Did you enjoy your time? Apart from the content related stuff I did, yes I was telling you off mic that it was a lot of flight dramas Getting there and back So I really only ended up

If you don't count the day I was there Where we got there mid-morning And fucked because I didn't sleep on the plane overnight I really only had up, if you don't count the day I was there where we got there mid-morning and fucked because I didn't sleep on the plane overnight, I really only had like four days there. It's not really too long to spend in another country when it's taking you a 10-hour flight and you had so much drama. Like two separate flights cancelled going over there and then my flight back got cancelled as well. So all of that for something where it was like I find Christmas very stressful. I just want to get away and have a break. Absolutely a million times more stressful than if I had just stayed here for Christmas.

Yeah, yeah, sure. Hawaii is sick. So I did have a good time. Never been. Never been. Went on some nice hikes. Yeah. Ate some really good food.

What sort of good food? Well, you get a good mix. There's really good Japanese there. There's a good Japanese there. There's a big Japanese population. And then, you know, I was indulging in a couple of American sort of things. Had some nice ribs. Had some nice burgers.

What was something you were telling me about? Was it like Hawaiian sort of food? Oh, yeah. There's a dish called loco moco, which is a bed of either rice or chips. And then... A bed of chips. Like hot chips? Fries, yeah. Wow.

Yeah. I ordered it with rice, but then it came out and I realized that she thought I'd said fries. She heard my fucked accent. So I would have rather had it with rice. But for me, it was fries, hamburger patty, fried egg, gravy. Wow, that sounds awesome. Fucking awesome. Yeah.

Yeah. I'd quite like it with fries and rice, actually. Ooh, big boy. That sounds good. I'm sure they'd do that for you. Yeah. Good dish. Loco moco, it's called. What'd that sting you?

How much is a loco moto? That's a good question. How much is a locomotive? It's pretty funny. Locomotive. Yeah. Try and be funny with the waiter. Yeah.

Huge line of people behind me. That was at like a kind of a pretty small little takeaway place. So, it wasn't that much. It probably was $10, $15 or something like that. Okay. Yeah. I can't really remember. Yeah.

Nice. I'm pretty bad at remembering all that stuff. Like once I've left a place, like what it cost me. Right. I wasn't really thinking about it too much. You know, you're on holiday. It's like whatever. You're doing all right. I all right i get it yeah exactly you don't care what you pay for anything you just go give me that well yes i do give me that you know i'm not doing as

well as i would be with an extra 60 in the skyrocket yeah i'm still doing okay could have got you know two or three loco motos or whatever the fuck put my dick in a loco yeah full time the whole time you could have never been balls never been not balls deep in a loco moto but anyway loco moco loco moco sorry sorry sorry to all the uh traditional hawaiian chefs out there that are listening in i mean no offense i'm not trying to do hawaii face or anything like that yeah Yeah. Hawaii mouth. I didn't go to Hawaii. Thanks for asking. Did you go to Hawaii?

No. Oh, okay. I didn't, but thanks for asking. No, I just hung around here, went down the beach for a couple of days. That's about it. Nothing special. Had a couple of good pies down there. Oh, love that. What flavor?

What flavor? Curry beef, I think. It's my go-to, I that. What flavour? What flavour? Curry beef, I think. It's my go-to, I think. Really? Yeah, whenever I see like a fancy pie shop and it's like, oh, they've got like 17 flavours, I'm like, awesome, I'll have the curry pie, please. It's hard because you feel like you want to try the,

whatever the most extreme thing, you know, if a place really flexes and they're like, check out what we do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You kind of feel like, oh, I mean, if they're really going for it, I feel like I should try that. Yeah. But also if it's a place you've never been before, sometimes you just want to try the straight up, the steak, you know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The beef, you sort of feel like that's a better way of putting this place through its paces. We did do that on a Patreon episode where we went to the pie shop and a couple of us got two pies, like you got your base so you could measure everyone through that, the plain beef, and then you get your fancy. Yes. Your fancy. Yes, yes.

Slightly different pie. I can't remember if we've talked about this on the pod or not, but this is something that I saw at the airport. I sent you this update. Did we ever talk on the pod about one of our obsessions at the Melbourne airport, a place called Sixpence Pies? I'm not sure if we did. is this a pie shop at the melbourne airport that is one of the worst looking places you've ever seen in your life so pies that are about 15 a pie this is a new bit

of the airport yeah so they've named them six pence pies it's a new pie shop and their new idea is to make it sound like they're really really really cheap pies. Yeah. Sixpence. Yeah. Which is like six cents, I assume. Something like that. Something like that. Certainly not $15. Yes.

Well, that was it. What were the prices in the end? Truly something like that. Yeah, yeah. Over a tenner. But they were very small pies as well. I would estimate roughly half the size of a 4 and 20. Yeah.

Very thin, flat pies yes and just crusty like look like they've been sitting in the warmer for fucking a year and we had a bit of an obsession where if both of us were traveling we would on purpose stop there to point to stop in front of the pie shop and point at the pies and laugh yeah and and just the person behind the counter just going what the fuck yeah is anyone at pies? In all my years at the airport, never seen anyone ordering in line to order at six pence pies. Because nearby you've got No Porto, you've got Salsa's, you've got McDonald's.

Why on earth you've got a kebab joint, you've got a salad joint? Why would anyone in their right mind be getting a six pence pie? Yeah, yeah, especially when they're $12. And yeah. Even in the economy of us being at the airport and we all just make peace with it. to be getting a six pence pie. Yeah, yeah, especially when they're $12. And yeah, everyone... Even in the economy of us being at the airport and we all just make peace with it, okay, everything's more expensive

because you're at the airport. Yes. Even in that economy, it seems outrageous. Well, I think, to be fair, when you say that, even in that economy, you're not dealing with that economy when you're next to Salsa's and McDonald's and all that stuff.

Because you're dealing with... You can't put... They're regulated. You can't jack the prices up, can you? So then I showed you this recently, six p't put. They're regulated. You can't jack the prices up, can you? So then I showed you this recently, six pence pies. They're gone, baby. The buck finally, the buck stops here.

Yeah. The 15 buck pie stops here. The 15 bucks never got there. No one ever bought a pie, I think. Yeah. Replaced with a place called Rolled. Do you know Rolled? It's like a chain of takeaway Vietnamese.

Yes. Which I love it. Love the idea know Rolled? It's like a chain of takeaway Vietnamese. Yes. Which I love it. Love the idea of an option. It's fine. It's not better than just going to a small Vietnamese place. But for being at the airport, for having the option of a nice fresh little rice paper roll or a little vermicelli salad instead of like a McDonald's or whatever, love it.

There couldn't be a better upgrade in my opinion. Do you know what I used to really love in terms of branded food places around the airport and such, food courts, that I don't love anymore? Muffin Break. Oh, really? Gone often. I don't think I've ever had a Muffin Break. Really?

I also can't remember the last time I saw a Muffin Break. Yeah, well. Are they still in business? Yes. Really? They're in that bit of the airport. They're in other. Yeah, well. Are they still in business? Yes. Really? They're in that bit of the airport. They're in other bits of the airport. Are they in that bit?

Yeah. They're not in that main sort of L-shaped bit. I love how specific this is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're back. They're like their own booth. They've gotten into sandwiches now and whatever. But yeah, they don't really do a proper chocolate one anymore. Okay. They've got all these fancy muffins and whatever. But yeah, they don't really do like a proper chocolate one anymore.

They've got all these fancy muffins and whatever and it's like, yeah, well, they used to have like just a black muffin that was like just, you know, all light would go into it. It was that dense with chocolate and then they put a bit of icing on top of it and whatever and now it's like, here's like an off-brown sort of a thing and that's your chocolate option. I'm like, fuck off. Ten years ago you you know every if you walked past with a nestle bar to get sucked into that yeah and now

it's like that's like tan you're giving me a tan muffin uh interesting fuck off muffin breaks doing a bit of michael jackson yeah exactly yeah um you and another chain that i think's taken a bit of a hit an old favorite of yours and mine mentioned mentioned before, Salsa's. Yeah. Salsa's, I remember there used to be a lot of episodes of this podcast which were immediately followed by a session at Salsa's. I agree. When we used to record in South Melbourne at a business that we would sneak into to use their studios.

We would walk past a Salsa's on the way home. And this is pre the takeaway Mexican explosion. And then they just, I don't know what they did. They hit a stumbling block, but Mad Mex, Guzman, Gomez, they got the expansion going quicker on. And then Salsa's just, there's not that many of them. And the quality's taken a big hit, I reckon. Salsa's still maybe.

I mean, I don't have a lot of options of going there, where I live or where I do my business. But they'd be pretty close to the best chips in the business in my humble opinion they're mexie crinkles yes so good yeah they've got the they got the crinkle cut and then they're a bit softer and then they've got that whatever the fuck those spices are they are not holding back with the seasoning yeah exactly a lot of places do good seasoning but seasoning, but they're really rationed out there. These guys, I mean, look, maybe that's why they've never expanded. They've blown out the budget on all the seasoning that they're chucking on the chips.

They're like, we'd love to open another store, but we can't work out why our overheads are so high. Yeah, you read one of those articles. The 10 biggest mistakes you make in your first year of business. Too much seasoning. Going ham on the seasoning. If that was, see, that's in South Bank. You're talking about the franchise in South Bank.

Yes. Now, South Bank, what we've talked about on the show before is us going to a place in South Bank, a very salubrious steak restaurant in South Bank. Oh, yes. Yep. With Milan, a friend of the show, that we've just mentioned on the show, called Rock Pool. Now, despite that, on that little strip of South Bank in food-wise,

I reckon the two highlights food-wise of that whole area are the Mexi Crinkles that we've just mentioned and then over the road in the crown proper cannot go past even when i go to rockpool i even spoil my appetite going into rockpool oh i go in that you know the bit that's like right near the uh road right near the um right the very end of crown casino right at the tram stop. Yep. On that, whatever that road is, opposite the exhibition centre. Yep. Sort of stuff.

Yep. You walk straight in there and there's that food court there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good food court. Yeah, it's not bad. Now, the highlight of that food court for me is, it is an insanely expensive, like, chicken and fish sort of place. As soon as you walk in there.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, you know that place? I think I've been, yeah, I think we got – what are you about to say? Because I do remember being in that food court with you and you talking about this. I get potato cakes here every time. That's right, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think you – I went there with you.

I think we were maybe meeting Milan. Yeah. And I got swept up and I was enjoying it, but I think you were like, it's not as good of a batch today. Oh, really? You were a bit disappointed. Right. And it was also that stressful thing too where you're bringing someone else in you're like this is great and then they're not performing to the best of their ability and it's like i swear to god it's yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah but it's it's it's very odd because it's like you know you used

to it's basically the sixpence pies of junk food there because it's inexplicably expensive right well it's it's explicably expensive because if you think well fuck what's the real estate here worth but yeah right but you still can't usually say oh yeah well i know it's mcdonald's but you know small fries is 10 bucks because look at the real estate yeah you gotta suck it up in the airport you just gotta fucking do it yeah so the potato cakes are worth two dollars and then you get like a bag of chips is worth like eight dollars or something it's like insane but i look at them and go well i'm here again yeah like whatever the fuck you're doing here you've got me sucked and you're in the casino

you know you're probably already in your head you're like well i'm gonna lose money one way yeah yeah yeah the slot machine or the cash register of the potato cake joint fuck were you there the time when we, you know, like we've been to Rockpool a lot with Milan, and Milan tends to, it's a great night out. It is a lot of fun. He shows off a bit, and he likes to go and play the tables. Yes.

Before, maybe after, after dinner. And one night, and he has very good luck. I don't know, i've got no idea about that side of the world i don't know how the fuck to gamble or anything like that yep but he tends to always win yep he's got a very good knack for it and we went there one night um and ben lomas friend of the show was like you know what i'll do this as well and he and just as he starts he just goes oh by the way i've got myself in a lot of trouble gambling before. I'm like, I'm pretty addicted to gambling.

I'm like, interesting thing to say just as you're, you know, rolling a dice onto a fucking piece of felt. But okay, sure. I also love that as a description, pretty addicted. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just this like slight walk back from it. Not all the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Not all the way addicted. A little bit pregnant. Just a whiff of addiction. Yeah. Just a whiff of addiction. Yeah. Just a snifter. Well, I'll get rid of that pretty bit by in like 20 minutes time, cut to me at the ATM physically dragging him away from the ATM going, I'm going to win that $500 back.

I'm like, you can't do this. Yeah. I think maybe the last time we were there with Milan, he had a big win right before we went to dinner. Yeah. And there's nothing – I mean, you already know it's going to be a fun dinner, but boy howdy, nothing lifts the spirits of a big meal like someone hitting it big on the roulette table right before you go and eat.

Totally. Just a big old stack of chips burning a hole in his pocket. Exactly. Well, here's the thing. Like Milan is a very generous man with his friends and we've been to dinner and drinks with him before and he's insisted on paying or, you know, stuff like that, which I'm not very happy with.

I, in fact, try very hard to sneak around and pay for that stuff instead of him and really get one over him. But when you're there and you've just seen someone put a chip on the table and come home with $1,200 in about 10 minutes, you go, oh, maybe you can pay for my fucking carrots tonight. Yeah, but it's also – it's weird because it's like it does – it puts him in a great mood and it's like we all witness it and it's like then you're just buzzing at the table.

But it's also like if it was anyone else, you know, someone hits it big and they're like, oh, boys, it's on me. Let's just go crazy and get whatever we want. But when you're with a guy who that's his baseline anyway, it's like this doesn't really have too much of an impact over the dinner or the night. Well, it makes me feel a bit better about it. Less guilty. If he doesn't do that, it's like me going, all right, how are we going to do this? How are we going to sneak around to the cashier and how are we going to pay for this without him knowing?

How are we going to sneak around to the cashier and how are we going to pay for this without him knowing? Which is one of the great bits about knowing Milan is trying to get one over on him and actually beat him to out Milan Milan. Yeah, but he gets so violent though. Yeah, but I think he respects it. Trying to do a polite thing and then it's just like, I'm in trouble now. Well, I really think that my friendship with Milan really sort of started or blossomed when he's a big one for shouting people drinks and i i don't know whether it's a test for him or not but i reckon for the first year or year and a half i knew him i never let him buy me a drink once right and i would like buy him drinks instead so then by the

end of it when we became friends he was like oh yeah this guy doesn't this guy's one of these fucking idiots that's just hanging around for a free drink yeah yeah i need fucking free drinks off people yeah now that we're mates he can buy me one if you want. Yeah, sure. Yeah. So some stuff that we have to plug that we have coming up. We've got a bunch of live shows. We have the 14th and 15th of March. We are doing Adelaide on the 14th.

Yeah, hypothetically, I guess. Doing both of our new solo stand-up shows back-to-back at the Crown & Anchor. And then March the 15th, we will be in Brisbane doing a big live show. It's the one ticket for both of our stand-up shows back-to-back and a big live podcast. You get that in Brisbane because you're good little boys and girls. That's your reward. Yeah. What do you mean?

You get what? The podcast. Oh, so in contrast to... The day before in Adelaide. In Adelaide, they don't get a podcast. They don't get a podcast. Yeah, you're right. Yeah.

Well, you know, I can't, you know, whether we said that or we implied it or whatever, but yeah, we said we'll come back and do the stand-up. We sort of thought we haven't been there for a few years. And, you know, there'll be a bit of excitement when we announce the dates. It didn't really translate into sales at all, has it? Really? Let me check. Give me a second to just load up the ticketing thing.

I reckon I can check already from here and I'm not looking at anything. Upthebumticketing.com. Sorry, what? Who are we using now? Is that Ticketmaster or is that Ticketek? Is that worse than or better than? Upthebumticketing.

Yeah. Yeah. It's worse. It's worse. It's worse. Yeah. So we get chargedeting. Yeah. Yeah. It's worse. It's worse. Yeah. So that we get charged more. Yeah.

Right. They take 69%. Man, I've really got to be involved in some of this decision making, by the way. We'll take this off air, but yeah. Okay. We're half sold. Oh, wow. Let me finish of the front row. And also, it is not a big venue.

It's not a big front row it's not the athenaeum folks no yeah you have absolutely voted with their feet once again you know i i really didn't think we'd get into this sort of thing where again where it's like adelaide fucking hell but you know here we are we're back where we started yep fucking adelaide you know look, again, one of my resolutions for – you were talking about resolutions this year. One of my resolutions this year is I'm trying to – I want to be more positive. I want to have more positivity in my life in general.

So I'm going to focus on the positive here. So everyone who's done the right thing, thank you to the 11 of you that bought tickets. Thank you to all to that double date that are coming along. You can have a really good time, all four of you. We'll get around to all of you that bought tickets. Thank you to all, to that double date that are coming along. You can have a really good time, all four of you. We'll get around to all of you. Yeah, to the four or five listeners that are coming along and dragging someone else along with them. So there's literally only like four listeners or so coming along.

I'm banking on my show being 50 minutes of crowd work. And so guys, I really need some people in the room because I feel like I'm going to get through all of you in about eight minutes at this point. Yeah, and it's technically not crowd work when there's not a crowd there as well. So, yeah. If you could really help us out with half the show, that would be good. No, yeah. So, look, I honestly, honestly, was this naive of me?

Maybe as everyone says to me, Carl, you're too positive. Maybe that's true. I really thought there wouldn't be any problem at all with this. I'd be like, oh, fuck, maybe we put on a second show. Absolutely not. Adelaide, you've done it again. Well, you know, we get to take a little trip there. We get to both do our shows in their entirety for the first time.

So, you know, we'll have a good time. Oh, yeah. Look, I've now made peace with it. I've wiped it from my brain. I'm like, oh, we'll just go and do our show and that's it. You've accepted your fate. Yes. You're hanging the noose. Yeah. I'm like, oh, we'll just go and do our show and that's it. You've accepted your fate. Yes. You're hanging the noose.

Yeah. You're like, it is what it is. Time to check out. You know, I did deliberately set up the gig time so that there'd be room for a podcast if it sold out really quick, but that's absolutely not happening now. You can't blame yourself. No. You're right.

You're right. And that's maybe why I haven't at any stage. So, yes, those two are on sale. We then, of course, have the two big live podcasts happening in April, the 4th and the 11th. By the way, when this comes out, Brisbane is about to sell out, if not has sold out. Oh, okay, great.

Yep. Yes, we've got the two Melbourne ones, April 4, April 11, 4 p.m. at the European Beer Cafe. They're selling very quickly, so get on to them. And then, of course, April the 25th, big live 500th episode at the Athename Theatre. The one section of the seating is sold out, not that many tickets left, so get on it now.

The one section of the... It's going to be massive. The one section? What? What do you mean the one section is sold out? One bit of the seating is sold out, isn't it? Isn't downstairs gone? Oh, yeah, the whole thing.

Yeah, downstairs is gone. Right, right, right. And then upstairs, separate section. Yeah, right, okay. You just made it sound like Adelaide again, like one tiny little bit had been sold, but you mean nearly the whole theatre is what you sort of meant. Yes.

So, yeah, get onto that. Tickets going very fast. littledumbdumbclub.com is where you can find all of that stuff. And, of course, Melbourne, on top of that, we both have solo shows coming up. Yes. So once we do them in Adelaide and Brisbane, we're both doing lengthy-ish runs during April.

Yep. The name of your show is? Meatball. And the dates are March something? March 30 until April the 18th or 19th. The full run of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Right. And my show called Carl Sandler.

Please call me Carl. Mr. Comedy was my father's name. Father? Whatever the fuck it was. I don't know. Whatever was my father's name. Father? Whatever the fuck it was. I don't know. Whatever the fuck it's called. It's on sale and it's, I think, April, I don't know, April 10 till 20 or something. It's on the internet.

It's on the internet. You can look it up. Yeah, that's it. It goes for two weeks basically anyway. Two weeks straight. So, man, I'm really looking forward. I'm way more ahead than usual, which is making me really look forward to it. I'm genuinely a little bit excited about having a show that will actually be ready well in advance, I believe,

which I don't think I've ever done before. Instead of the opening night being pushed back by multiple days in a row. Man. Well, yeah. that was a wild year that was well to be fair it wasn't just because i didn't have the show ready it was because i had so much fucking work on that was that was the year i was working on a show on a tv show that was fucking day and night so and then i was running a venue then i was anyway who cares but anyway it was driving me fucking insane but having said that

you'll be pleased to know I don't have as much you know work to do this year so I don't have as much employment which is a good sign

yep good for comedy yeah good for comedy no so it's looking forward to that it's going to be fucking good that's at the European

Beer Cafe downstairs alright so what else is there anything else to plug um apart from the fact that we uh are on a little site called patreon.com slash little dum-dum club if you like this show and you'd like to contribute towards it and not only that not you don't even have to be selfless you can be self-ish and you just all you you're like i don't fucking care about supporting this show. I just want physical rewards.

I want something back. I want to pay for something. I don't want this money to go into the ether. I don't want this to make you feel good just for contributing a free thing. I want an actual capitalist transaction happening here. It makes me sick to think of these two profiting off this. Being able to earn a living because of the money that I'm putting in. Exactly.

But there's no way around it. I want the rewards. I wish there was another way. But I just have to block the idea of these two paying their rent out of some of this money or whatever it is. I just have to block that out of my mind. Yeah. Just so you know, I'm not a dummy.

I would never pay for something that's free already. Don't look back at this money and think it's coming for something for nothing. I would never be that stupid. If a homeless man ran away and left all of his big issues on the street, I would take them. They're now for free. Who cares? But if he's there, then I guess I have to pay for it.

Boy, some of the people that listen to this are real cunts. Yeah, yeah. In our heads, in our invented characters that listen to this are real cunts. Yeah, yeah. In our heads, in our invented... These invented characters that listen to this show. Hey, everyone listening, that's you. That's you and that's your mate. That's you. In case you want to do that,

your rewards are a bonus magazine, a bonus episode. If you want all that shit, get onto patreon.com slash little dumb make it your news resolution. If you're listening to this real time, 2020, get into it. You can do that right now. If you've always been wondering about it, what you

get or thinking I should do the right thing and, you know, we do get hit up a lot by people that will introduce themselves and go, hey, look, sorry, I'm not on Patreon but I do want to say, you know, love the show, blah, blah, blah. If you want to be one of those guys and actually not have an excuse next time, do that, get onto it.

You know where to go. And of course, your chance of living forever through having your name read out on this program. And we know that just like cockroaches, this show will be around after the bomb goes off. Scuttling out from under the fridge. Exactly. Cockroaches will be listening to this podcast, which is not far off what's happening right now.

If you go in any of our Facebook groups or anything like that. I have the same kind of physical repulsion to seeing some of these people as I do when I find a cockroach in the apartment. I think a lot of people think of our listeners like that. I think people that are in comedy that don't really follow us that hard, but just their initial reaction is, yes, I would like to spray my apartment for your fans. Yes, so jump onto that. Immortalise yourself by having the chance of your name read out.

As we do every week, we read out as many names as we can possibly fit on the show to thank everyone individually. Hopefully we get around to you at some stage. Of course, we can't promise when because if you've listened to the show before, it is completely random. We chuck all the names into one computer program and the program's entire job is to just mix those names around

just to, for some reason, just to make sure that it's not chronological or alphabetical. Because we could be sued. If someone proved that this was chronological or alphabetical, everyone knows that's against the rules to just read out something in the order that they came in or in the order that they would be alphabetical. Yeah. Lies. No, you're right that they would be alphabetical. Yeah. Lies. No, you're right. We would be taken to court. We'd be taken to the cleaners.

Yes, exactly. Landmark case, the people versus content. Yeah, yeah. The people versus any form of order. Yeah. No one wants that. Yeah. It's only legal in Queensland, I think, but we don't live there.

So, here we go again. Let's hit the big red button On the unplanned title Alternator And find out What names Go into legend Here it comes

The first name of 2020 Yeah This could be the most popular You know the most popular Baby names They always put that out Oh yeah Why don't they just have

The most popular names Did we make it onto that Last year What Tommy and Carl I think we missed out again Did Blanket make it on As last year what tommy and carl i think we missed out again did blanket make it on uh as uh not as a girl's name right as the boy's name is number two but it's very progressive of you yeah um all right here we go but they should have the most popular adult

names of 2020 just you know who cares about baby's? Do you mean most popular names for adults or they sort of go, who's a person who's popular with their friends and whatever? Big social circle. What's their name? Because that's interesting. So like what names attract success? What names do people like? If they did surveys of people and they're like,

who do you know that's cool? Yes. Gary. I like Gary a lot. There's one vote for gary think of a hot chick what name does she have yes bridget great awesome that's that's in there right boom um yeah that would be good or you know people that change their names in 2019 exactly yeah some stage what what what did you on purpose choose as an adult to have your name changed to?

Yeah, and what did you change from? Because that name has to have some points taken off. Well, you know, someone might, you know, maybe someone changed their name to, you know, enough people changed their name to Andrew, but then a lot of people changed their name from Andrew. So it's like it gets some plus points, but it also gets some negative points from everyone who went away from it.

Sure, but I like that way better if you just publish the most unpopular name in 2019. Who changed their names from this name the most this year? Yeah. Fuck, I would love to know that. Yeah. That's a fucking great story. That would be fair. I mean, who cares what a bunch of people called their babies in 2019?

Exactly. Who gives a fuck? Yeah. It's like we named it this in 2019. who gives a fuck yeah it's like we named it this in 2019 so at the so even like the oldest baby on that list that has one of those names isn't even one yet yeah and no offense to you as a new parent who cares yes it's not doing anything yet what do i care that there's a fucking saffron running around out there that's eight months old not only that you know you can see a baby that can't speak for herself or think or walk or even fucking

not hold shitting yes and you go sure that thing's called dildo face what do you fucking care but if someone says to you no you got to keep that as your own name i'm not having dildo faces his name so all of a sudden it's a bit different yeah if you're naming yourself so that's i think that's a much fairer way of judging what a good name is. It's way more interesting. If you're just palming that name off to someone else, you don't have to live with it. Fucking someone else does. And what is that list meant to inspire in people?

See, the list of coming out of like, these are the coolest people and these are their names, that's helpful to you. If you're having a kid, it's like, well, I want my baby to be cool, so I'll give it this name. Whereas what? You're thinking of having a kid and you go, oh go oh well those names were popular last year with other parents yeah i'll use one of them for my kids yeah yeah grow up you fucking idiot oh i want to be i want my kid to be like one of those

cool one-year-olds that's going around at the moment fucking hell yeah i mean the only thing that would inspire me is like well okay i'm having a kid this year i'll stay away from one of those names yes because it's well they're popular so they're overdone yes they're over baked yeah you I mean, the only thing that would inspire me is like, well, okay, I'm having a kid this year. I'll stay away from one of those names. Yes. Because it's, well, they're popular, so they're overdone. Yes. They're overbaked. Yeah.

You don't want your daughter in the same classroom as another three girls that are called the same name. Well, that was my thinking with my child. I didn't really win that battle, but anyway. Because, you know, Blanket is like a very popular boy's name now. Yeah, yeah. Big time. Yeah, it's confusing.

It's really caught on. Very confusing. All right. So hit the, big time. Yeah, it's confusing. It's really caught on. Very confusing. All right, so hit the big red button. The first name of 2020. Thank you to Patreon, subscribe, and number one for this week and number one for 2020 is, thank you to Bernard Thomas. Ooh. I think Bernard would be too close to the top of any lists, in my humble opinion.

Certainly not of cool people. No. Bernie, though. i don't mind bernie don't mind bernie yeah bernie thomas bernie thomas bernie tommy bernie tommy yeah oh it's pretty close to bernard tommy actually yeah truly i thought that's what you were gonna say wow yeah um bernie's good bernie's way better there was a. There was a guy that we went to school with that he's – look, fuck, a long time ago on this show, I would talk a lot more about people that I knew and went to school with and what their nicknames – the very odd nicknames that a bunch of them had. One of our friends had this nickname for a long time.

He – did you ever do – you weren't very sporty when you were a kid, were you? There would be – at school, we would you're a kid were you there would be at school we would have like kick to kick and there'd be like you know 20 30 people at one end 20 30 people up the other just kick the ball end to end and try and take them out yeah we do that yeah yeah um there was one so you'd be you know it's not a team game you're trying to catch the ball yourself every man for himself exactly yeah so what would happen was there was this guy if he marked the ball at one end you know he'd grab it and this this friend of ours would sit there and like cheer him on like be on his side and he would then he would say this and he'd be he got the

nickname he he started to be named after the thing that he said to this other person which was this other guy would catch the ball he'd go to to boot the ball back up the other end and our friend would say kick a big one bernie the fucking snorting in there makes it really elevates it too like of course he was going to try and kick kick it back yeah of course he was trying to kick a big one because the game is to, like, jump up and mark the ball up the other end. But just to think of, like, some little pathetic Robin cheering on some fucking idiot bogan Batman.

Yeah. Kick a big one, Bernie. Being cheered on in something that doesn't. It's like me standing, like, side of stage at a gig as you go on. Yeah. Make him laugh, Carl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell a, make him laugh a big one. Ch them laugh, Carl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Make them laugh a big one.

Chando. Get a big chortle, Carl. Kick a big one, Bernie. So I love a good nickname that's like way longer than anyone's name as well. So that was his nickname. People just say it all the time. Right. Kick a big one.

Kick a big one, Bernie. Yeah, and someone's nickname then for years just being something that they said once. Yes. A million years ago. Yeah. A phrase from a long time ago. Yeah. And you'd always have that in your head like, if only I had have just not said that phrase,

how different my life would be if I just kept a lid on it in that split second moment where it's like I could talk or not talk. Yeah. I love the idea of this guy lives in a different town now and everything. I love the idea of somehow finding out someone he knows and just spreading the word and just going, he lives in some small town, just let everyone know that this is the name he ran away from.

He's in witness relocation at the moment, really. I want the word to get back. I want this whole little town to wake up one day and all start calling him Kiga Big One Bernie. Yeah, you need to drive down there, put some posters up in the street. Yeah, have you seen this man? Yes. Then this is his real name.

Well, thanks, Bernie. Thanks, Bernie. Thanks for kicking a big one. We kicked a big one for you, hopefully. Well, you've kicked in a big one to us. Ah, very good. What a year it's been so far. This is going to be a big year.

We're going to kick a big year. It's going to be my year. This is going to be a big year we're going to kick a big year it's going to be my year this is going to be my year uh thank you to look all right we'll tell this story so yeah we don't need to name names but anyway this is just this is actually the story of lawrence mooney friend of the show who is very vaguely related to an open mic comedian. And open mic comedian is a very vague description of this guy. Yes. Even that. A very, look, I think we've described on this show what, you know, what a fucked world comedy is.

Yes. And we've painted some form of description of the world of open mic, which is like, you know, we're not saying we're some fucking super gun comedians, but we are hanging shit on a lot of people that insinuates we think we are. Well, that tells you just how fucked these people are. Yeah, they're below us. It's like even we. So there is a lot of weirdos. Look, of course, in a world where you're supposed to get up on

stage and think you're good enough to make random people laugh of course that's going to attract some weirdos yes people just want to come up to shop people in shops and talk to them well if you get a free stage to just talk to a lot of people at once you're going to attract a lot of weirdos so of course we know of a lot of weirdos this weirdo very very very vaguely related to lawrence mooney and uh he was on a little get together with him family holiday yes and uh they were they're in some sort of rumpus room playing billiards or pool or something and just the just the the the visual of this has just haunted me in a good way forever, which is they're playing pool.

This guy, this crazy open mic guy. He's also, he's been on this holiday and he's been absolutely useless for the entire time. Yes. It's like three couples or four couples or whatever sharing this like beach house or whatever. This guy's not cleaning up after meals. He's not cooking. He's not chipping in in any way.

So it's like everyone's kind of off him. And also the background of him is he's not chipping in in any way so it's like everyone's kind of off him yeah and also the background of him is he's been doing comedy for about 10 years before this and been absolutely terrible like if you were about to make a joke like if i was to say oh yeah i'm gonna uh you know i'm gonna be really good on stage so i'm gonna be as good as anyone there you could easily say oh what you mean as good as blah blah blah yeah you could make him the punchline to any joke in comedy yeah at this point yeah definitely and everyone gets it and everyone gets it right so then he's with all that set up he's playing pool he does the whole

you know lines up the ball draws back the pool cue does the practice pool cue you know move just get that puts the stroke in between the two fingers, is like ready to hit it, sizing it up, back and forth, slowly draws back, goes to hit the white ball, and then stands up and just to no one goes, damn, 2020 is going to be my year. Except it was like 2003 or something like that. It was a break between like Christmas and New Year, I think. Yes.

It was in the lead up to New Year's Eve. Yeah. It was 2010, I think. Yes. It was in the lead up to New Year's Eve. Yeah. It was 2010, I think. 2010 is going to be my year. Just anyone saying that in any way is very funny, but just to get that idea just halfway through a game of billiards is such a weird time. Yeah, and then I think, and maybe I'm remembering this wrong,

but then I think the end of the story was he just absolutely fucks the shot after that. Oh, there's no way that he could not have. But again, amazing timing. You're about to do something. You couldn't fuck yourself up worse by going, this is going to be my year. And then if you miss the ball, it is not going to be your year. If it's anything less than the greatest shot in pool history, you're fucked.

Even if you just get it in, you go, okay, well, that's fine. I thought that would happen. But we're still in 2009, so it hasn't really kicked in yet. But that is certainly a thing. Like Kick a Big One, Bernie, that has stayed with me. That's one of those ones that finds its way back into the vernacular pretty regularly for us. 2010, yeah, man, I hope it is 2010 because that's 10 years ago. Finds its way back into the vernacular. Damn. Pretty regularly for us. Damn. Damn.

2010. Yeah, man, I hope it is 2010 because that's 10 years ago. And I reckon it'd hold up in court to say none of the 10 years after that have been his year. Hasn't been his decade. No. Yeah. Well, maybe 2020 is going to be his year. Maybe 2020 is, yeah. We'll have to check back in with him.

Yeah, maybe we should find out. Maybe we should hit him on the show. I wouldn't go that far. That would actually make his year. Yeah, true. Maybe we should hit him on the show. I wouldn't go that far. That would actually make his year. Yeah, true. I think it would actually make his year. It would be a real highlight, life highlight. Well, thanks, Bernie.

Believe it or not, some people would like to be on the show. I feel like we should remember that sometimes. I feel like our life is forever begging people to be on the show. Nightmare. It feels almost like a hit of heroin to do the show, have the guests on, and then as soon as we finish, I'm immediately going, who do we get next? Next week, yeah.

We're chasing already. As soon as we pump it into our vein, we're chasing. That's the thing is that I think we both find it very stressful tracking people down and organizing all that. You're right, it is worth remembering. This could be really easy if we wanted it to be. Yeah, yeah. If we didn't care about who we had on, this could be the greatest job we wanted it to be. Yeah, yeah. If we didn't care about who we had on,

this could be the greatest job in the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If we just got whoever was hanging around. Yeah. Fuck. If we just only ever had on people who asked us, this would take care of itself in about three seconds each week. Oh, I reckon we'd be dead, though.

We'd have killed ourselves well before now. I couldn't imagine talking to people I don't like every week. Couldn't imagine the quality being up and therefore meaning that we earn a good amount of money on Patreon. Yeah, we wouldn't be doing this segment of the show. That's for sure. Maybe we should do this segment of the show for a week. We just read out the names of comics that pay us to be on the show. Oh, that's not bad.

And then from then on we put them on the show. Yeah, if we had a week, if we had like a month where all the episodes of the show were people, we just auctioned off spots on the show. So we have a month where we're like, look, these will probably be dog shit episodes, but the places, the guest spots went to the highest bidder. So we're just going to make bread for a month. And sorry, guys, pause your Patreon subscription if you must, but it's time for us to just kick back,

have the guests come to us, and make a bit of sweet buns while we're doing it. Well, we could have done that over summer. We could have actually auctioned off the hosting roles and just done classic, you know, like radio, like TV, just had a summer host come in. Yep. Fuck, that'd be funny. That's not a bad idea.

Yeah. It's not a good idea because you know what's going to happen That's not a bad idea. Yeah. It's not a good idea because you know what's going to happen. It's a neutral idea. You know what's going to happen. Everyone on social media, yeah, we like these guys better.

Oh, yeah, of course. Don't rush back, fuckheads. Yeah. Thanks, Bernie. Thanks, Bernie. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Adam Boyle. Boyle.

Brutal. Should be bred out of existence that surname. That's really brutal. It's no good. How's it spelled? Look, the best way it could possibly be. B- bred out of existence, that surname. That's really brutal. It's no good. How's it spelled? Look, the best way it could possibly be. B-O-Y-L-E.

Still. Still. There's no chasing. There's no running away from it. See, written down, you're kind of safe. Semi-elegant looking. You know, you've got the Y in there, nice little E on the end.

I'd rather take, you know, it's so not ideal, and that's a lovely way of putting it, that if you take the Y out and your name was Adam Boll, B-O-L-L-E, you'd be like, that's better.

It's no good. Really? But it's better. I'd much rather take Boll, B-O-L-L-E. You'd rather say Andy Boll. Yes, I would. God, that's a real Sophie's choice.

But Boll's no good. Boll's really bad, but Boll. Boll is would. God, that's a real Sophie's choice. But boils, no good. Boil's really bad, but bowl. Bowl is funny. Bowl is real bad. Bowl's funny. Bowl's really bad. B-O-L-E, bowl. Bowl.

Bowl. I like bowl now. It's so weird. Is there a way you could kind of, is there a way you could pronounce boy, boy, boy? Boley. Boley. Boley. That's how you do it. B-O-L-E, you'd pronounce it. boy, boy? Boley. Boley. Boley. That's how you do it.

B-O-L-E, you'd pronounce it. B-O-Y-L-E. Just somehow. Boy-lay. Boy-lay. Oh, yeah, boy-lay. Boy-lay. That's what you'd go with.

Boy-lay. Surely. Yeah. Because that's the thing. It's like if you've got a name, you kind of do have a bit of an option. What's to stop you from at a certain point just going, no, this is how the surname's pronounced. Yeah. There's no one really, who's going to really regulate's to stop you from at a certain point just going no this is how the surname's pronounced yeah there's no there's no one really who's gonna really regulate that or stop you from just doing that that just attracts more shit though because if you said oh my name's

boyley you know you'd go no boil true boil yeah true like that's even worse true but at least you know sometimes it'd work and people would just cop it whereas a hundred percent of the time when you say boil you've got people going, yuck. But maybe not everyone's like us. A lot of people just get on with their lives and go, that's what that guy's name is, but as we go, Boyle. Well, not only that, they're not putting themselves in a position of just discussing the name for an hour a week.

Yes, that's also true. This is a very unique job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, yeah, we think we think fuck when we have kids we better have like um you know kids that have proper names that no one could that are bulletproof you know once that logical thing that happens where two fuckheads sit around for an hour and make fun of that name yeah it doesn't really happen in the real world yeah that's true yeah that could be a big thing if you were thinking of having a kid you sign up to our Patreon and you don't necessarily

put your own name in you put you subscribe under the name that you're thinking of giving your child oh and then you just let us let us

let us loose on it yes and then see if we if we're like yeah okay sometimes we do get stumped then you know okay

or you listen to the whole back catalog catalog of Talking Dumb Dumb and you go through it and you find the names that we've been stumped by and we just go, oh, good name. Yeah. Nothing to make fun of there. Yeah.

And then you just add it to the list on your wall. Yep. You just have this long list of these bulletproof names. Hot name. Hot name. That essentially, you know, the schoolyard kid represented by me and you. Yes. Cannot shit on in any way.

Yes, yes. That's a good – I should have done that. Because we do have – there's been odd ones where we've been like, hot name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those are the ones you'd want to hang out. Yes, yeah. That's how I got my child's name, you know, Blanket. I was like, well, nothing beats Blanket.

You couldn't possibly think of anything stupid. It's on a bed that people have sex on. Yes. Hot name. Sex is hot. Keeps you warm. Hot name. Yep. It's good. No that people have sex on. Yes. Hot name. Sex is hot. Keeps you warm. Hot name. Yep.

It's good. No one's ever gone, yuck, a blanket. Oh, I don't know. I've been in some pretty rank motels in my time where I've thought, oh. I think Hughsey may have said it during this episode, actually. That's what his mum said at one point. Oh, yeah. Well, thanks, Andy.

Thanks, Boyle. Sorry, Boyle. Sorry, Boyle. Thanks, Boyle. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Tammy Pham. P-H-A-M. Tammy Pham. That's a big sigh. What's that?

Are you a bit defeated? Are you sad? What's the reaction? I'm trying to work out what I make of it. Okay. Right. I don't love it. I got that from the big sigh.

No one's ever gone, oh, awesome. Tammy, I mean, you know, it's too close to Tommy. Oh. Like that. And you don't like that. Don't like that. But that seems like the femme Tommy. And so you don't like that.

No. You wouldn't go out with a Tammy? I want to be the femme Tommy. Oh, okay. La femme Tommy. Oh, okay. La femme Tommy. You'd be genuinely put off by going out with a girl called Tammy? That would be pretty funny, actually. Tammy and Tommy.

Actually, all right, I'm going to... And then marrying her, Tammy Dasolo. Oh, my God. Oh, that's great. That would be good. That's really great. Fuck. Now, I'm sure this will be something that we'll hear from people

that are in this position or know someone where they've ended up with someone with a very similar sounding first name to them. That's good. Yeah. Carl and Carla. Yep. It must have happened. Carl and Carlotta when I married that drag act that time.

Yeah. Yeah, Tommy and Tammy. Okay, now I'm into it. You that time. Yeah, Tommy and Tammy. Okay, now I'm into it. You're in. Yeah, fam. Fam. Fam, P-H-A-M. I had a housemate with the surname Fam once.

Not a fam. Let's put it that way. Not a fam. Is this a thing that actually happened? Yes. Oh, okay. Yes. Not a fan. Is this a thing that actually happened? Yes. Oh, okay. Yes. Not a P-H-A-N.

So that's tarred the name for you forever? Did you feel a bit of a chill when you saw this name come up? Not a chill, but it has tarred it. A sigh. Yeah. Yeah, I felt like you sounded. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, that guy.

He was a fucking... Maybe that's where the sigh came from. I was picking up on... Ventrilo came from. I was picking up on... Ventriloquist. I was picking up on your energy. Yeah. Off the back of the name. Yeah.

It doesn't seem right here. I'm sure I've talked about this guy on the show. I just can't remember which bits I've complained about and which bits I haven't. Is this the guy you lived with when I first met you? Maybe, yeah. Is this the last place you lived in before you moved in with your... Yes. ...significant other?

This is what encouraged me to move in with my significant other. I was like, I will never go back to share housing again after this. I was like, I've lived with too many fuckheads. And he was right up there. He was, God. No, I'm pretty sure you've talked about this guy. The fridge? The fridge, very tight recap.

I had a bar fridge lent to me by someone else and then he moved in and uh he brought all his furniture in and it's fine put it everywhere and then there was i just had this bar fridge and he just every day would talk about it and go well when are you going to get rid of it i'm like i don't know when when i do and then i went away and then i came back and it was gone i was was like, what the fuck happened to the bar fridge? And he was like, oh, someone needed it. He just piffed it. He just made that up.

He just got rid of it. And then when I went to move out, I was like, where's the fridge? He's like, oh, yeah, I'll get it back for you. Never got it back. Right. What a shame. You could have a little bar fridge in Blanket's room right now. I know.

Having a bar fridge would be good. Yeah. I should get a bar fridge in here absolutely yeah it's like the it's only ever about a three second walk from the furthest corner of the apartment to the fridge but still if i just had a bar fridge in my bedroom what if you had one in your in your bathroom that's not bad a bar fridge in every room even though it's all kind of the wall is like yeah So it's like bedroom, bathroom. I've got one in the cupboard.

I've got a smaller bar fridge within the main fridge. I think we've talked about people having drinking problems in the main bit of this show. I think that would absolutely inspire another drinking problem within you. But still, having access to that much refrigeration can't be good. No. But having said that, one next to your bed, doubling up as a bedside table would be good. Yeah, pretty tight.

Pretty sick move. Don't you think? You need a bedside table. You want a cold beverage in the middle of the night. Yes. If it's a hot summer's night, that water's going to be rude temperature by the time you're getting to it. Exactly.

If you just reach into the fridge, get a cool bottle of Mount Evian out of there. Think of those times where you've been in bed going, is it worth me getting up? getting to it. Exactly. You can just reach into the fridge, get a cool bottle of Mount Evian out of there. Think of those times where you've been in bed going, is it worth me getting up? I'm so thirsty but I don't want to get up

but maybe I can just go back to sleep. Oh, I can't get back. You know, you don't have to have that dialogue at all. No. Just reach in.

Yeah. Fuck, the dream. Someone sleeping next to you in the bed constantly being woken up by the little light coming on. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's great. You don't need a reading lamp on the bedside table. You just have the fridge door open. You're reading by fridge light before you go to bed. Oh, well, time to go to bed. Close the door. Off you go. That'd be wild if you just with that.

It just creates its own problem. 3 a.m., your mouth's parched. And then you open the fridge. You're like, oh, I just need something. Oh, good. I don't have to get up. And then you look in, there's just a beer and that's it. Okay, looks like I'm having a beer at three.

That's the whole point. Why, to have the fridge and then still be getting up and going to the sink. Yeah. What's the point? Yeah. I have to be a slave to the laws of the fridge. Yeah. And then you just get up with beer breath in the morning,

having not even been out or anything. You just need to part your thirst. Just a little, yeah. Fuck. Thanks, Tammy. Thanks, Tammy. Fam, thanks for awakening that. I miss my fridge.

He also used to, what else did he used to do? He used to make buttons in the middle of the night, like at 2 a.m. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He talked about that. He also talked about, what else did he do? He woke me up one night crying into the phone about someone wouldn't dance with him. Oh, yeah, yeah. Great.

Fuck. Shut up. I wonder what he's up to now. Oh, man. I could find out. He's a fucking idiot. Genuinely, he was a fucking idiot. I could not stand him.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber. Oh, man. Here we go. Sounds good. This is... I mean, look, all those names have been fun to play with so far. Yep. But this one, I think this one takes the cake for this week, for sure.

For sure. There can't be anyone after this that's better than this name. Big build-up. Yeah. There can't be anyone after this that's going to be any better? Yeah, that's what I think. All right. I'm putting a line in the sand right now.

Wow. So this is what? How many will this be? One, two, three. Fourth. This is fourth. Yeah. So we haven't discussed how many we're going to do yet,

but if we were to do a fifth after this one, you'd say that it wouldn't be – you're prepared to say now that it will not be as interesting as this fourth name. Look, I'll put my cards out on the table right now. I'll say we'll do one more after this. Yep. And if it's more interesting than this name,

I will give you a full-on suck job on the podcast. Oh, wow. Okay. I'll pay myself $60 for having received that suck job. Yes. Here we go. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Daniel Day. Great.

Great name. Just great. Yeah. It's good, isn't it? That rocks. Yeah. Because, you know, it's truly... I'm trying to think, would this name be...

No, it would still be pretty good, but it is very much elevated by the existence of Daniel Day Lewis. Yes, but that... Just hearing Daniel Day would still be good? It's exactly what I thought. Yeah. pretty good but it is very much elevated by the existence of daniel day yes but that just hearing daniel day you would still be good exactly what i thought yeah exactly he's just lucky that that man is someone who exists as well i think it's just an added bonus that you've got that little dimension as well yes because then it's daniel day is it that's enough. But you've also got half the name of Daniel Day Lewis, which is also very good.

Well, and also, you know, you know what you like? You're a big fan of the Double Ds. Yeah. Didn't even think of that. But subconsciously, I reckon that snuck in. Oh, really? Yeah, I reckon. I reckon you just saw those two letters next to each other

without even being aware of it. You're like, something about this name just really sneaks to me. It's a really curvy name for some reason. Do I have dyslexia? Because these words are just bouncing around on the screen. It's Daniel Day! It's Daniel Day! It's Daniel Day!

Hooray! It's Daniel Day, everyone. It's Daniel Day! Oh, it seems to come closer every year. Did you know, I've just been down to Woolworths. They've got the Daniel Day muffins out already. I love Daniel Day. I mean, I didn't used to believe in it.

But now I've got a kid. It's fresh for me again. I get to celebrate Daniel Day all over again. It's exciting. What did you get for Daniel Day this year? Daniel Day all over again. It's exciting. What did you get for Daniel Day this year? A lot of messages in my Instagram inbox from all the listeners of this podcast.

Oh, nice. That was Daniel Day. Oh, no, sorry. That was Daniel Day Eve. Right, right, right. Yeah, right. I mean, the only thing, the shame about Daniel Day is that, you know, if you're by yourself, it's a bit lonely.

Yeah. High suicide rate. Yes. that if you're by yourself, it's a bit lonely. Yeah. High suicide rate. Yes. When you don't have your family around,

you're celebrating Daniel Day by yourself and all the shops are closed. Because, I mean, who in their right mind would go and work on Daniel Day? Oh, penalty rates. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Yeah, but Daniel Daniel No no no Not Daniel Day

Not Daniel Day Lewis Daniel Day Eve That's better That's a better name Yeah that is good That is good Daniel Day Eve Fuck imagine if he's married

He marries someone With a surname Eve That would be fucking great Really good And then he hyphenates His own last name Yeah yeah Sick

I guess Well I gotta say You were bang on the money. That was a really good one. And you made an arrangement with me. You made a little wager. And I'll be honest, I've never felt less confident about getting a suck job in my entire life. All right.

So we're done with that. Thanks, Daniel Day. Is that it? Yeah. We're done with that. Thanks, Daniel. Thanks, Daniel. Thanks, DD.

Okay. So we're doing – I'm trying to remember the promise I gave. We're done with that. Thanks, Daniel. Thanks, Daniel. Thanks, DD. Okay, so we're doing... I'm trying to remember the promise I gave. We're doing one more. Is that what I said? Yeah. So that brings the total to how many? You've got the abacus this week. Usually I have it.

You've got it this week. Oh, hang on. Let me count them out. One, two... Well, that's... I've got some really heavy beads on the abacus. Yeah. I didn't realize how heavy they were. Yeah, I'm putting my whole arm into it. Oh, two. Well, I've got some really heavy beads on the abacus. Yeah. I didn't realize how heavy they were.

Yeah, I'm putting my whole arm into it. Yeah. Four. This will be the fifth. Oh, right. This is number five for this week. Yeah. Right.

Okay. And what did I say again about this one? You said that if this was more interesting than the one before it, Daniel Day, that you'd give me a suck job. Wow, fuck. Okay, well, I really hope that this is not that interesting. Okay. Bottom of the ninth. Base is fully loaded.

Oh, jeez, here we go. He's stepping up to the plate. I'm stepping up to the plate, and I'm like, instead of pointing into the stands, I'm pointing to the ground, like into my toe. I'm pointing at a foul. How do you point at a miss? How do you do that? I'm just pointing into fresh air.

All right, here we go. Hit the big red button and let's see what comes out. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. Yes? Daniel Day Comedy. Slurp, slurp. Oh, no. Oh, no.

I've got to suck you off, Dan. Is this the famous comedy character actor? Really known for losing himself in the comedy roles that he plays? That's right. Just really becomes the custard pie. Dan, 2020 is going to be our year. Yeah. All right.

All the listeners don't have to hear that. We can do that off air. But thanks again for listening, everyone, this week. Happy New Year. We'll see you next week. Thanks very much for listening. Thanks for supporting the show. Come along to the live stuff.

We've got plenty of merch in the merch store as well. Get along. Get along, little doggies, and get on to that. LittleDumbDumbClub.com for all those tickets and links to all the various things that are going on. We'll see you next week. Thanks for listening. See you, mates.