The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 485 - Gareth Reynolds & Nick Capper

Episode Date: January 22, 2020

One half of The Dollop, GARETH REYNOLDS is back in the country, so we've paired him up with our great pal NICK CAPPER! We spend most of the episode attempting to learn about Capper's childhood, from pony school to his rivalry with a neighbouring town - with plenty of interludes and roasting from all of us. PLUS Karl's seen a man walking a dog! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Gareth Reynolds and Nick Capper. We've got a bunch of tour dates coming up. Most of them are sold out though, aren't they, Carl? Some of them are. Brisbane and Adelaide are sold out. Then we hit Melbourne. We go all the way there. We're doing two shows during the afternoons, I think, April 4 and 11. Then we do the 500th episode that's selling rapidly on April 25. And then we've got our solo shows.

We've got Tommy Daslow in Meatball and Carl Chandler in Please Call Me Carl, Mr. Comedy Was My Father. Yep. You can find ticket links for all of those things, littledumbdumbclub.com. We'll talk to you a little more about that at the end of the episode in a brand new edition of Talking Dumb Dumb. But until then, enjoy this episode with Gareth Reynolds and Nick Capper. Hey, mates.

Welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo, and with me as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, Nickhead. Two very special guests today. From the Dollop, we have Gareth Reynolds. Hello, everybody. And, of course, because Gareth's here, we have Dave Anthony.

Yeah. Hey, I'm real angry. I think that's going to pass. I don't think we need to say anything. That's not even a good Nick Capper. I want to have sex with Trump. Oh, Dave. Gareth Reynolds and Nick Capper. The new stuff's hard, Dave. I know. I've to have sex with Trump. Oh, Dave. The new Reynolds and Nick Capper. The new stuff's hard, Dave.

I know. I've changed my tune a bit. I mean, the voice is perfect. Put the environment, you know? Yeah, I know. For sure. Did Dave Anthony ever play Fat Albert? Is that what's happening here?

Hey, hey, hey. Dave, Dave, Dave. Let's just get Capper to do impressions for the next one. I have no issue with that idea let's get him to do one impression to start with

do Jackie Chan oh boy hello I am Chinese man Jackie Chan smart and safe by the way the only plank

you could fucking do it's the only way you could do it Chinese man you weren't even confident enough to call him an actor would you shut up

idiot before I hit you with a stepladder? There we go. It's not even a weapon. I love that idea. That's Jackie Chan's business card. Chinese man.

Chinese man. You know, it sounds like his theme song. Jackie Chan, Chinese man. That's how he overtook Hollywood. Walked into the big... Hello, I'm a Chinese actor looking for work. Actors too much. I like that.

I'm a Chinese man. I can act and do martial arts. Keep it simple. Chinese man. Thank you, Gareth Reynolds, American man, for joining us. You're very welcome. Thank you. You've got horse racing in America,

but I don't know if you have this same sort of thing. The big horse race in Australia is the Melbourne Cup, and a lot of times they ship over horses from overseas, but the horses get very nervous because they've come all the way over here, so they bring their little demented friend Shetland Pony to keep them company. That's why we've booked Kappa today. That man, I was like, where are we going right now? Me too.

You stuck the landing, but for a minute there I was like, what's happening? Also, Gareth brought his friend over, Luke, who came on the Costa Moe trip and I was like, far out, he has fired

straight into Luke. I don't remember their repertoire. Otherwise, I poop in the cage on the travel. Surely when I said demented,

you thought, it's coming for you. Surely. Well, demented. That's a compliment compared to what you called me in the past.

Just read your own business card, Nick Happa, demented man. D in the past. Just read your own business card. Nick Happa, Demented Man. Demented Man. Dementedman.com. I thought they bought over a horse with like a bigger dick and stuff. What? Like a bigger stance and a faster kind of funnier horse.

And that kind of keeps the... Faster and funnier. That kind of keeps the... The metaphor funnier. That kind of keeps the... The metaphor is just leaking and bleeding out right now. Just because so much is being drained out of the metaphor. The horse is funnier because it's doing a show. It's a comic. It would actually be more correct than you think

because it's like a horse that's travelled from all over the world. It doesn't have its own place to stay. It's probably not dressed appropriately. It probably stinks. In a tuxedo. Yeah, exactly. I think the metaphor pretty much stinks. Like a horse wedding.

I actually do smell like a horse sometimes when I've been sweating for a bit. How do you know that? I went to pony camp when I was young. Okay. Guys, sometimes you don't know why you're asking a question, but then you get the answer you never knew you wanted. Who knows provides. That's just... All right. Now, yeah. Guys, sometimes you don't know why you're asking a question, but then you get the answer you never knew you wanted. That's just...

All right, now, may I? What the fuck is Pony Camp? It's where you, when you're a kid, you go... Hang on, is this a real answer? Yeah, it's a real answer. Pony Camp's some magical land. Sorry, city boy. Wait, you didn't have Pony Camp in Maryborough?

You've been coddled by architecture too much, Carl. I thought this was improv but this is a real thing. Okay, you went to Pony Camp. I don't know if it says more about me or Kappa

but I didn't doubt the validity of it for a second. I was in right away. This is reality. I buy into it too. Right. Is this like band camping

instead of a flute up your pussy? You get fucked by a horse. You've got a stallion. A stallion up your ass. We made a centaur. Yep, never been to a horse. You get a stallion. A stallion up your ass. We made a centaur. Yep, never been to a horse race since. He's in a fetal position next to the track.

And Nick is getting nailed right now. He's getting nailed from the back. The horse has got him real good. Nick's on all fours. He's getting pounded, rounded real good by the pony. Nick's coming. The horse is coming. Oh, my God, it's over.

Nick is done. His stomach is open. Those hors d'oeuvres and champagne really got to Capper. He's crying, running out of the race course. So pony camp. You went to a thing called pony camp. Yeah, it was a – so, yeah, it is like band camp. Well, I've never been to band camp, but I'm guessing you go away on this camp

and then you just ride horses for like six days. Right. And you all sleep in a, we all slept in a wool shed. And yeah, it was cool. At night you'd sneak out and you'd light up campfires and stuff. They weren't allowing campfires outside of that? No, there'll be none of that.

That's for the movies. That's too unsafe. We just want children on horses running amok. Go to your shed. Go back to the shed. There'll be no fires. How old were you when you went on pony camp? This was two years ago, wasn't it?

Yeah. This was on the way to one of our live podcasts, wasn't it? You're old enough to be an instructor. You're an instructor, right? Yes, I am an instructor. Now, how do you get on the horse? Yeah, I went about two or three times, I think. My question was how old were you?

Oh, three. No, no, no. Two or three. Two or three. I think I went when I was like five, and then I went another time when I was like eight, and another time when I was like 14 or something. You go to pony camp when you're five to ride on horses when you're five.

Yeah. Isn't that too young to ride on horses? No, you can get on them. Yeah. I don't know. I always loved horses. Just by yourself? Yeah.

It was very hard to get on them when you were young because you've got to kind of do the – you put your foot in the stirrup and you do the big jump. Yeah, yeah. But easy to get off, right? I've seen Cruel Intentions. I can't remember that scene. What happens in Cruel Intentions? A bit of what happens on horseback have your first orgasm oh yeah yeah it couldn't get me off those horses sounds like you could yeah it was pretty easy uh i actually remember i had this horse useless horse named pretty uh it

was the worst horse ever because it would always escape. Every day. Dad is like, the horse is gone again. Wait, your dad? Yeah. Hang on, is Pony Camp your house? No, no, this was before Pony Camp, I thought I'd train up and my friends lent me this horse, Pretty.

The details are glory. So you had to go, you went into pre-season training before Pony Camp. Yeah, you went into pre-season training before. Yeah, you've got to get to know the horse and become friends with it. But it was quite the opposite with Pretty because it, like, yeah, my friend said, oh, man, it's the first horse I've seen crawl under an electric fence. Please don't put that disgusting man on me again.

He smells like my dad. Wow. Yeah, so it was an annoying horse, but it used to jump over anything, and I loved jumping. Except electric fences, obviously. Yeah, he could crawl. That's when he could crawl. Yeah, so it was the best jumper, so that suited me because I loved jumping.

But I remember when I got to the jumping, because you have the pony camp for five, six days, and then you train for the gymkhana. And that's where you do all the thing. You train for the what? The gymkhana. It's like the carnival with the horse. So there's like a little show at the end of the camp

to show off what you've learned about pony racing. You do the barrel race. I don't know if you guys have seen that. Oh, we're all familiar with the barrel race. You might want to say it for some people at home I don't know if you guys Have seen that Oh we're all familiar With the barrel race You might want to say it For some people at home Who don't know That's the only bit

That makes sense to me To be honest Rather than getting Fucked by the horse It's a full barrel But it's worse So it's called The Jim Karner

Yeah yeah You have a Jim Karner Is that named after a person Yeah so it's like You know like sports I don't know Yeah it's named after Jim And his wife Karner We don't know what you're it's named after Jim and his wife, Kana.

We don't know what you're saying. Are you abbreviating Carnival? Is it actually called? I guess. Yeah, I guess it's called. I don't know. I never researched this stuff. I was like 12.

I was too busy focused on the horse. So you're training after the Gymkhana, which is the festival, the performance. The gala. Yeah, the gala. Yeah, it's the big gala. The big dance there's five minutes of horse riding

that's what we've been working towards the camp draft that's where you try to get a cow out of the arena sure no we all know that one

the six bar that's when you do six jumps in a row and I was looking forward to the jump what were you trying to get the cow out of the arena for

because it's like you know it trains you up for mustering oh okay yeah yeah this is when you're six years old sorry I'm sorry because it's like you know trains you up for mustering okay yeah yeah this is when you're six years old

sorry it feels like you're grasping a lot of the terms mustering a whip crack what is that yeah mustering is when

you herd cattle as you would say in the states you herd something thank you that's right I heard that

mustering I never thought mustering was an Australian term the word I'm familiar with but not when it comes to hurting oh yeah and probably not out of my mouth you probably just heard master is he saying mustard i don't understand is he offering me i'd love some thank you yeah you put mustard in a weird place oh that's good yeah that was one of the events they got rid of later on. It's time for the mustard part. What did we pay for? Yeah.

Yeah, but anyway, got up to the jumping and the six bars, which is six jumps in a row. Right. So what are you jumping? How high are you jumping? You're on a horse, right? It's not just you jumping. So at least. It's not Frosty Float. Right.

That would be amazing to see. Where are the horses? The horses have been shot. They were right. But watch Nick. He's unbelievable on the barrel. Look at him go. He's got two? The horses have been shot. They were around. But watch Nick. He's unbelievable on the barrel. Look at him go. He's got two, three feet in the air.

Look at that. He's guzzling mustard. Look at that. He's covered in mustard. He's in a tuxedo. This is unbelievable. This is the gala. You're at the Mark Carney or whatever.

He's doing Jim Proud. So are all these things on the one day? All on the one day. Right, all on the one day. Right, okay. So it's like California games. You've got like a little suite of activities. Finally you understand what's going on. All right, I'm locked in now.

I understand it all. Welcome back, Dassel. Yeah, it's like Mario Party. Jumping over the things like Mario. And after that they have dinner. It's like Pac-Man. Oh, yeah, great, great, great. And you get fucked by the horse, which is like Leather Suit Larry.

BCLity edition. Remember Leather Suit Larry, where you'd play, you were little, you'd press the code in, the adult code on your parents' PC and you're like, okay, it gets to the sex bit. And then it doesn't show the pixelated sex scene, it just shows bang. I don't know Leisure Suit Larry. Oh, really? Isn't the plot of it you're trying to lose your virginity? Is that the porno that's famous?

Sorry. It's a porno video game. It's not really a porno, but it's like a little guy in a white suit and you and you're like a 13 14 year old guy i guess when you're playing it and you're trying to get him laid the whole time and it just goes on forever and it's extremely frustrating and sets you up so it's called real existence yeah but i think it's a plot of it's something like you have like a timeline that you have to try and get laid by in the game there's like a timer and if you don't do it in that timer

he kills himself at the end Jesus what year was this made early 80s I think it's like speed but with sperm fuck there's something

for everyone in this podcast but it's like isn't it like that because all of a sudden I'm just faintly trying to remember don't you get to positions where you're with a girl and all of a sudden the girl's like,

oh, no, I need this certain drink, and then you've got to go and find it. Yeah, you've got to get the drink right. Yeah, all this sort of stuff. And you're just like seven or eight, you're getting it to load up the computer, and you're like, finally, I've got the mission right. Yeah, but it is great.

We're going to see the sex scene, even though it's like two pixelated blobs. Right, but still. And you're like, come on. It is great. So when you finally have sex later on in life, when you get to the moment and then the girl's not asking for some

obscure drink, I'm like, fuck, this is so easy. Real life is so easy. Do you want to go to the wet bar first? Decide what you want? She comes into your room and it's full of all these obscure objects. Every item that anyone could possibly ask for. You're allowed to pick two of these before fornication, and then you get two after the deal is sealed.

I've learned this all from a video game from 1988. That's right. I'm a grown-up. Exactly. So how is the jumping? You don't want a vermouth. Yeah, exactly. It's not good.

My whole thing was... That was like vermouth and stuff, wasn't it? It was all these weird drinks. I've got blue cacao, if you'd like some. Yes, yes. Exactly. Girls should bring that back. They should be more needy.

More particular. What a statement. I'm saying more. I'm not saying they are. There's just a lot to unpack about that statement. All the single guys out there going, what are you doing there? Thanks, Carl. Maybe guys should do that instead.

You get messages. We should flip it. Guys should start becoming really needy. Yeah, yeah, all of a sudden. I'll do it. I'll definitely start. I'm out there. Yeah, get your little list of what you required before.

Okay. Like my rider. Yeah, exactly. What would be the three things off the top of your head that would be on the sex rider for Gareth? Well, first of all, I like that it's called a sex rider. That's awesome. Sex rider. Right off the bat, hot.

That's what you should have called yourself when you travelled. Nick Capper, sex rider. Yeah, yeah, except having no sex. If he's just doing the jumps on the horse with a jacket that just says sex rider. An eight-year-old boy. Parents are there just like, my God, this is the last pony camp. We don't have a pony camp for Nick.

Evil Knievel was taken. It was either this or that. A bejeweled jacket. No wonder the horse was crawling under the fence. Pretty, pretty. Nick's bottomless in just his little bejazzled jacket. Pretty. He crawls under the fence. Pretty. Nick, bottomless in just his little bejazzled jacket. Pretty. He crawls under the fence.

Pretty. Nick, you could have opened the fence. Pretty. Why did you bring up Leisure Suit Larry to start with? I don't know. Oh, yeah, that's right. Oh, we're talking about the jumps. So you've got all these events that are on the one day at the gym, Connor.

Yeah. At the gym, Connor. I feel like we ask a question, we get the beginning of an answer then there's something in that that makes us ask another question it is very difficult to focus because you got the dressage as well you know like in the olympics you got that and again are you six years old and you're dressing up a horse is that what's happening yeah you do on the gym kana day you paint their hooves is this like is this like Larry again we've got to. On the Gymkhana day, you paint their hooves. Is this like Leisure Suit Larry again? Is this like Leisure Suit Larry again?

We've got to dress up the horse before it'll fuck you. This can't still be happening, can it? What are you painting on their hooves? Just black, so it makes them look nice. It's like nail polish. So you're putting them in black hoof? Yeah. Really frowned upon.

Different time, Gareth. It was a different era. I understand. It, which is really frowned upon. Different time, Gareth. It was a different era. I understand. It was a Leisure Suit Larry time. Hey, hey, it's Saturday. It was the biggest show on TV. It was fine.

Yeah, so you dress up the horse. You make your horse look pretty. But then you also, dressage is also like you're kind of marching them around, right? They're doing the little trots and shit. Yeah, you do that. But also they judge on the way you ride the horse so if you like if you're up straight and you kind of right you know you yeah you look your posture and your posture so it's like a finishing school for you as well yeah kind of except in the outback and full of the roughest kids ever right like horse people they're a new type of people yeah yeah is it like you want to sit upright but you worry that if you post this...

You're fucking forced in the fucking trailer and they're kicking it and shit. Oh, fuck. No, no, not all horse people, but yeah, the... You worry because you want to pass, like you want to be sitting upright on the horse, but you worry that if you post this too good, you'll get called gay by someone in the town. Is that the fear? Yeah, yeah, that could also... Yeah, yeah.

You let the girls win that one. Yeah. No, no. So, yeah, you let the girls win that one. No, no. But I was looking forward to the jumping, and Pretty and I, we had jumped some big logs, some real big logs. Everyone else was very impressed, which was a big thing for me. Before you jumped, you mean through Pony Camp, people were like, wow, you guys are great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a big deal. You don't need to tell us it's a big deal. We know it a big deal you are you are being gossiped about at pony camp yeah for the love of god nick i know the implications of a moment like this is jim carna yeah this is jim by the way this is jim fucking carna everybody exactly it's huge okay and then uh i i get to the show time do two jumps how big are these jumps uh they're pretty, like, probably up to the horse's, well, I had a medium-sized horse, I guess. Is that how they come, the horses in small, medium-large? I can't really remember. So this small fridge, maybe you could jump this small fridge in your hotel.

So for those of you listening, it's a regular- For those of you that can't see the fridge- It's a regular-sized fridge. I can't remember. I was so young. I would call it a fridge from 2000. I would say it's- I don't think we need to year-stamp the fridge. I can't remember. I was so young. I would call it a fridge from 2000. I would say it's... I don't think we need to year stamp the fridge.

Here, we all know what size we're in the year 2000. Fridges have gotten like... What are you talking about? It's not a nice fridge. It's not a bar fridge. Let's go by height instead of year. The fridge is

five foot tall, I would say. Yeah, so maybe 2003. It's a 2003. So the fridge is... Yeah, like Carl said, it's about five. So it's about a 2003, 2004. Do you know what I'm worried about? If someone fact-checks this, they're like,

man, there's no way a horse can jump that high. Like, you're an idiot. So that's what I'm worried about. They can probably jump that high. So I'm just giving you a real bland kind of... Yeah, but I think a horse can jump that high. Yeah, yeah. Especially with the sex rider on its back.

Yeah, exactly. Anything's possible. Flames coming beneath the black hooves. Especially at a bigger event like Gymkhana, because then anything's possible on big grand final day. You push yourself. As we've learned from previous Gymkhanas, anything can happen on Show Day, gentlemen.

Anything. It's Gymkhana, not Ghana, isn't it? That's so weird to me because now I think about it because I was weirded out that you guys didn't know what a Gymkhana was. Yeah, no, I remember. You idiots. Haven't you heard this word before and then realised, oh, yeah, right. Just your response to telling all of this is just like, yeah, and then you're going over the jumps and painting its horse black.

Then you're not pretty. And I got to the third jump, you know, it was just warming up. This is like Rocker Stedford Isn't it But horse of Stedford Yeah Horse of Stedford

Six jumps you're trying to do in a row Yes Okay so you're at three You're about to do three And then Cause And then you had You had this

So that was the six bar But then you had the jumping The way you did jump Bales and shit So anyway It's hard to explain But they keep putting it up and up Like high jump

And then Who knew that jumping stuff on a horse Would. So anyway, it's hard to explain. But they keep putting it up and up like high jump. And then... Who knew that jumping stuff on a horse would be hard to explain? It's hard to understand. I like to think of it as opposite limbo. That's what I'm picturing. Yeah, you go above the pole. Exactly. Beautiful, beautiful.

That's great. So you're stroking pretty going, pretend it's the opposite of an electric fence. Yeah, yeah. Go over. Yeah, exactly. I'm whispering in her ear. I'm like, go on, you horse. You're useless at everything else. You always get

out. Look at your pretty black painted hood. You never do what I want. You're just channeling what your dad has said to you over the years. Saying it to the horse. You useless horse. You're never going to pony camp again, Park. You understand me? Stop crawling around. You're never going to pony camp again, Puck. You understand me?

And stop crawling around. You're a human. Stop crawling under the fence, you little fuckhead. Here's some salt lick. Shut up. Okay, so here we are. Stop fucking the other horses. It's go time.

And then He Pretty borked That means it stopped At the jump And wouldn't jump And I knew it could do That size jump

That size fridge Yeah borked That you fridge Sorry that you fridge This is a 97 Come on Oh that changes everything Hold the phone everybody

Not a rich person's fridge with an ice machine. No. I'm talking a break-free hotel fridge. Not even a built-in freezer on the top. Just a standard. That's right. Not one of those gunmetal fridges or anything like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, nothing like that. Not a two-door situation. Man, you're getting this. I understand what we're talking about. And it borked. And then on the third time, the judge just, no, it borked three times. Oh, that's it. Anyway, I rode to the outside arena and I cried.

Oh. Big cry. Yeah, yeah. I was so angry. Hang on. So it borked at the time? I tied the horse up and I just walked away. Were you angry at Prudy?

No, I was very angry at Prudy. You rode straight into the glue factory? Yeah. Straight into the electric fence. Straight onto the blades. Priti's last jump. And anyway, some guy came in, some dad of one of the other kids came and he comforted me. And he said, you know, there's plenty of failure and stuff,

but I'll always remember that day when pretty let me down. Someday, Nick, you'll realize that Jim Carter is really not a big deal at all. Might be on a podcast years from now. One day you'll be ridiculed for being in this. Your friends and peers will mock you for doing this, for crying outside. Yeah. You'll do lots of dumber stuff than this. Your friends and peers will mock you for doing this For crying outside Yeah You'll do lots of dumber stuff than this You'll travel overseas in a tuxedo

With straightened hair and makeup on Lipstick on This will barely be a footnote in all the dumb things you've ever done Don't worry You've got a long career I'm going to find Pretty She's still alive I'm going to make her jump that jump

Do you think, what are the odds Pretty is still with us? Could be Because I still know the family Okay And Pretty was like What's known as A spoiled kind of horse Okay

So you kind of got to Give them a bit of guidance Sure How old were you at this time I was 12 I think That's right So you're what 35 or something now

Yeah How old do horses live They don't live that old Yeah it's probably dead actually Yeah Yeah I was going to say You're like I guess I could find him.

I still know the family. I'm like, it doesn't matter how well you know someone. If someone's 200 years old, you're not going to find them. You know what I mean? Old Pretty's not doing anything

in the fucking sky. I'll tell you what. Crawling under the clouds. I like the picture. Pretty, all fours, sneaking under the pearly gates. St. Peter, crying out, oh, I didn't let that one in! And Pretty's like, yeah, sneaking under the pearly gates. St. Peter crying out,

Oh, I didn't let that one in! And Bree's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Horse heaven. Some angel swearing at him. You jumped it yesterday, yes. Borking at the fiery bowels of hell. A bunch of angel fridges just flying around the scene. I'm just excited that we got to hear about the first time Capper ever disappointed a crowd

Did that spark something in you? It's like, alright The first time he cried after a performance Yeah, yeah After that performance I went, oh man, that stunk And he's like, that gives me an idea I'm gonna not wash for a long time Kappa's origin story

Yeah, that's how this all started You got horsey smell. And that was the first of many performances that went bad, not being my fault. It's the horse, it's the microphone not being plugged in, it's the crowd. The microphone not being plugged in is an unbelievable complaint for a comedian.

This guy's a pretty big diva. Hey, he needs the mic working. He's nuts. But you still do the whole set, and you're like, no, the mic working. He's just nuts. He's not an orator. But you still do the whole set and you're like, no, the only reason it didn't go well is because the microphone

wasn't plugged in. It felt like a TED Talk. It was not. Well, you know what? Speaking of animals, this is what happened to me the other night. I got home from a gig

and Uber dropped me off just outside my house and this is like half past 12 at night, maybe half past 12 at night. And there was a guy walking his dog. There's no one on the streets at all except for one guy walking his dog. And I'm like, oh, it's slightly, you know, that's not usual. Someone's walking their dog at that time of night.

12.30 at night walking their dog. 12.30 at night is pretty late. This is like Friday night. Yep. And so I start watching the guy. And the guy just falls over straight away. And then he gets up and then he walks another couple of steps. And then I start watching the guy, and the guy just falls over straight away. And then he gets up, and then he walks another couple of steps, and then he falls over again. And the guy is absolutely steaming drunk.

Right. The guy's got home from the pub, I guess. Hammered. Hammered. Taking the dog for a walk. Taking the dog for a walk. A blackout dog walk. And he's like, yeah, honestly, like, blacking out on the ground, falling over face first.

And the dog's like, what the fuck is going on here? That's what I was most interested in. What's the dog's take on all this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, the dog's like, the dog's going, great, walkies. And then two steps, oh, not walkies anymore. Oh, you're drunk again, aren't you? Yeah, yeah.

And then like going, but he was doing it multiple times. It wasn't like just one slip. Because at this stage, I sat there and went, I'm going to sit here and watch what happens here I get it I want to make fun of him too Carl's up in a tree the jerking off

was a bit much the jerking off is where I crossed the line this was my Gymkhana alright so I'm watching

this guy and he's like doing it over and over again and at one point he just lets go of the lead and the dog doesn't even run off the dog just sits there

and just looks at him going you're pathetic come on get your fucking shit together you are pathetic so he does that over and over and then I go and there's literally no one on the street

at all except for me and this drunk guy with his dog what kind of dog I was like a little dog it wasn't a big dog that's pathetic that it didn't make a bolt for it.

Yeah. Abusive drunk owner. Yeah. But still, if you're like a little Pomeranian, like the world is not your oyster. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll die so fast. No, he loves me.

He just has a weird way of showing it. Yeah, that's what you're doing. Yeah. There's a codependency. Yeah. So I left at the point where he'd fallen over three times and then he walked over and then just fell across a bunch of cars and set car alarms off. Great. Great.

You didn't film any of this? No, no. My phone would have been out so fast. Yeah, no, you're right. You're right. I totally should have. I thought it's either his dog or he's got some serious beer goggles and the dog's picked up.

What? He's drunk at a bar and the dog's going, where are we? Do we have to walk away? Hang on. So, Cap, your theory is that this man was out drunk and he thinks the dog is a sexy woman. But he's taking home with him.

Tommy, he was at one of those dog bars. One of those dog bars. He was at a dog bar. A sexy woman or man in 2020. Sorry, sorry. Yeah, sorry. That closed-minded old thing. He was down at Biscuits.

He was getting a couple pops. He sees a little Pomeranian having a vermouth, as they love. He looks across the bar, and he starts making eyes. He goes, I know this girl likes me because her tail is wagging. Pleasure suit lassie. That's just what he says. That's just what he says to his buddy. Look at that tail wag.

Tail tail sign. I'll be right back. How you doing, man? Can we get another bowl of whatever she's got? How are you? What are you drinking? Couture. Nice. Nice, nice.

Yeah. Do you want to, I don't say this to all the girls, but do you want to go walkies? I brought a reed. Now I have a bunch of bones in my brain. I got a bunch of deli meat at my home. That's it. Other dog sitting in the corner.

That's Sheila for you. Always wait till they get drunk. Well, it's closing time. Look, Sheila's at the bar again. Wagging that tail as she ought to do. Oh, no, I think I'm in the doghouse, which is good in this situation, actually. It's actually a good thing.

You want to go back to my place? Yeah, let's go to yours. Oh, it's just right on the ground here. You don't have a bed or anything. I have a bed. I wish I'd known the deal. She's definitely guarding him tonight, I tell you that. Oh shit, my owners are home.

What? I never knew having sex with a dog could be so funny. That's real fun. A lot of bestiality. There's going to be a lot of good keywords from this so far. Yeah, yeah. Jim Carna's website's going to be like lot of good keywords from this so far. Yeah, yeah. Jim Carner's going to be... Jim Carner's website's going to be like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Six people have clicked on. What the hell's going on? Nuts. There's going to be a crash. Let's bring this back. The modem's down. Yeah. Oh, man.

So, yeah, people will be enlisting their kids in the Garabumai Pony Club. I hope it's still going. When? In the Garabuma? Bumai. My town I was from. Oh, okay.? In the Garra Boomer? Boomai. My town I was from. Boomai.

What's the Garra bit? Garra is another small town which, if you blink, you will miss it. So it's like your two small towns have to band together to have enough people to form their own pony club. Yes, correct. Because it would be madness to have a Boomy Pony Club and a Garra Pony Club. There would be not many people going to that. Was it hard for you to form that club together,

given that you would obviously be traditional rivals? No, because we still had to get other people from the Moree district as well. Oh, right. Because there wouldn't have been enough kids. So when there's just not enough people, you can't have a proper rivalry between a town with four and five people. We used to play garage in sports. Okay.

Yeah, we used to win sometimes. Yeah. Yeah, that sounds like sports to me. That's how it works. Well, your story checks out. Garage had a lot of rough kids. They had a lot of rough kids. And what about Blue May?

You know kids called Levi with dumb hats. An extreme humble boast. Yeah, look, I don't know much about sports, but even I know that. You win sometimes. You ever heard that? You know what they say, sometimes you win sometimes. I love going to those, like, you know, you would know this, Gareth, at the NFL games where they hold up the banners that go,

we win sometimes, just to really diss the riders. Yeah, exactly, show them that there's a chance you're not going to win, which happens often. But then you also win sometimes, I think, to the next point. Yeah, you go along to the game, you hope that this time is one of those times. And then there's the truth. Sometimes it isn't.

Sometimes it isn't. Not always. They leave that off, don't they? That's in the fine print on the back of the ticket right there. Your team's not guaranteed a victory. What the fuck? What? I brought my kid.

The team could be called, like, the Cincinnati Realists. You know what I mean? Kappa's new. The Maidens. Detroit pessimist coach, how are you feeling about the game? Man, we don't have a show. This is going to be one of the times where we don't. Go the 50 percenters, hopefully

Looks like the realists might come through today and might win Not so fast there, I talked to the coach earlier We're just excited for a balance game What's the difference between Bumai and Gara? How long is a piece of string? Bumai, we've got the Pioneer Hotel, so it's more on the corner And Bumai is really the end of the line. I mean, you've got to be going.

You're not even going somewhere. You've got to be going to Bumai to go somewhere. But you're playing Bumai down. I'm talking like as if you're in a room here, you're arguing with someone from Garar. I'm saying boost yourself up. If you've got a guy from Garar in the room, you're dissing him. What have you got to boast over Garara?

You're Biggie. He's Tupac. Yeah, exactly. I mean, Boomoy's. By the way, fridges from that time. And I don't want to say that I love the fridge area. Yeah. Go ahead.

Yeah. Whatever coast you're on, are they the west coast and you're the east coast? Well, there's no coast. It's very, very inland. Some would say not much water right now. Actually, no water. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're from the no now. Actually, no water. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So you're from the no coast? Yeah, no coast. Yep. That's how I explain to people where I'm from. They go, oh, what, near Byron Bay? Near there? And I go, yeah, 600 kilometres inland. Right, right.

People are like, whoa. Really? That's the closest thing you've got near you. Yep. So, yeah, no, Boonmire, we've got a few more. I reckon we've got near you Yeah So Yeah no Boom wire We've got a few more I reckon we've got a lot more Cotton farms

Garag still got a few more Cotton farms That's a good Lead with that Take that Garag If you're in How's your cotton farm bitch Yeah

If you're in your Eight mile M&M style Rap battle That's coming up pretty early In the diss track Yeah Yeah also We've got

My dad Was one of the You've got your. Yeah, also, we've got my dad was one of the founding... You've got your dad? Yeah, I've got my dad. That's what I've... The list so far is Gabba O'Confield, there's my dad. Mr. Gabba. And Pretty, who we're finding out her deal,

but we haven't heard from some intel that she did not make it. You go to the big local football derby between the two towns, hey, Garra, where's Kappa's dad? Just shows my dad walking around without his shirt off. Where's Kappa's dad? Probably on the cotton farm. Whoops. None for two, Garah.

He's got his own little popemobile. It's just a four-wheeler. Yeah, yeah. Not very protective. There's only four blocks in Boom Eyes. It just drives around. All right, we're done. It's been three minutes.

There's four blocks? Yeah, it's nothing. It's probably like 80 people in the whole town. Probably not even 80 people. And Garar has how many people? Yeah, probably less. Oh, take that.

I hate this town. Again, probably less. A great diss. Hey, Garar, you've probably got less people than me. Don't overshadow I'm not sure.

None of us can count about 50, so we have no way of working it out. But you didn't let me finish what Boom Eye has. Thank you. Okay. Hang on, hang on. Cotton Farm.

Yeah. Dad. Number three. Well, my dad was instrumental in starting the Boom Eye Chamber of Commerce. And there is a hot bore there, like a hot spring. And they turned it into a bit of a tourism thing, and it won two tourism awards. Incredible.

Really? And started a caravan park there. When you said hot bore, I really hoped you were meaning a sexy pig. Oh, there's a few of them around, I'll tell you that. So, when you say this spring won a tourism award, was it a garage boomer tourism award given that the whole area has about 130 people? this spring on a tourism award? Was it a Garab Bumai Tourism Award, given that the whole area has about 130 people? No, I think it was like, I forget which town gave it. I think it was Moree, which is a bigger town,

which is about 40,000 people. Oh, 20,000. I don't know how many. So they get to swan on in like Lord Muck and go, excellent spring over there, darling. Do you know what? Moree has got, it's famous for its hot springs. It's famous for its hot springs,

but too many people go there and they piss in the hot springs. I reckon it's just a pool full of piss. But if you want a bit of... How is that calculated? Well, that's the rumour. You can't beat a good old country rumour. It's very rumour-based to me. It's a lot of truth in a country rumour There's your next hour title

I do like getting an award for Basically a hole in the ground that no one did anything for Like you've just got a hole in the ground Shots fired Someone's from Garo Someone's from Garo That was instrumental In this

Buddy Yeah first of all First of all Fuck you They have to pump The water out of the ball Into the spa And then they've got

To make sure That the water's At a good temperature Otherwise you just Burn yourself Otherwise you're in Boiling hot water I didn't think about that

But it was cool Otherwise you just I withdraw that Otherwise you just Have a deep fryer You just have a fryer there. You just boil it. You just jump it in a boiler.

Oh boy, he is crisped out. Look at that. They're tempura. They should not have gone in there. And of course, we are giving the award here because of Mr. Capper here who came up with the idea of turning the temperature down. Well done, Mr. Capper. Terrible tourism before that.

There's so many people from Ganadar died when I made the short trip here. But Mr. Kappa turned it down to like 30 degrees. I just thought that they would fry and that's why I did it. Well, it was really cool because before they built the big pool and stuff, they had the bore drain. So it just came up from the ground and it just fed all the cattle. I mean, sorry, it didn't feed them. It gave them water, whatever that's called.

I believe there is a word. What happens when you're hydrated? When you hydrate through drinking. Drinking, drinking. Liquid feeding. Liquid feeding. That's it. Liquid feeding.

That's what it was. Water food. I can't wait to finish this and go get a Coke and have a good feed. Can't wait to tuck into a can of Coke. I'll have the macaroni and to drink, I'll have some macaroni. So, can you

drink the water in a hot spring? No, it's not good to drink. But you're saying that the cows did not drink that water. Yeah, the cows drank that water but it doesn't taste nice. But what you would do... They're not picky. It's really hot, isn't it?

Yeah, but you're cows and you can't communicate that to me. You drink from now on, you understand? Oh no, pretty sneaking under the fence again. Yeah, but what you do is you would... So when the water came out of the bore and had the big drain, the hotter you wanted to have a nice spa bath, the closer you would swim to the bore.

It got cooler the further it went out from the bore. So you could choose the temperature. Yeah, I went to the hot springs in Iceland. That's the same thing. You could find areas... You'd even find cool areas. Yeah, but who wants to go to Iceland? I mean, first of all, my dad isn't there.

Well, and the truth is, when I was there, I just kept thinking, I wish Garara was close. I missed that rivalry. I don't know what it was. I missed the classic Garara-Rajkovic rivalry. Yeah, yeah, exactly, yeah. You know how that's been going. The real long,

and like it is the most terrible road out to Bumai from Mori, and it is boring. Like it is the most boring, I reckon there's one bend in it the whole way through. But how long of a drive is that? Sorry?

How long, I mean, how long is that stretch? It's 100 kilometres. Oh shit, wow. And it's just boring, and I must have been on that road a million times. Just kids in the backseat of the car getting excited, Dad, how far till the bend? Here it comes just boring. And I must have been on that road a million times. Just kids in the backseat of the car getting excited.

Dad, how far till the bend? Here it comes, boys. All right. There's nothing now for four hours. That's all right. I'm exhausted from all that adrenaline. I hope you enjoyed Luna Park back there. Okay, can we get the spatula to pry you off the windows?

Whoa! The fulcrum on that bend. Okay, so that's the tourism campaign for Bumai. What's Garaga going for? What are they lording over you? I reckon... I bet it's better. Well, look, I know you guys got in trouble for this

and from mentioning driving things or whatever, but what you do is you would... I think I see where this is going. So you would buy like some beers in Moree. Classic. And if you had to drive back to Boomai, by the time you got to the 50k mark, that would be like three beers. That was garage. So you'd be like three beers. That was Garah.

So you'd have about three beers. That classic. Three or four beers by the time you got to. So this is the compliment of Garah? Yeah. So you call Garah like a six. You have to be drunk to even go into the township. And you'd be driving.

So it's got a 50km speed limit, but there's never anybody walking across the road because it's so small. So you just keep driving at 100km. You keep being in the passenger seat while you're drinking is what you're saying. Yeah, so it's called a six-pack town in the country. You're like, that's a six-pack town. But the driver's not drinking. No, no, of course not.

No, the driver is not drinking. The driver is watching other people drink. Yes, and the road. Actually not watching them drink. Thank you. Thinking about drinking. So thinking about that. But let's say.

Hypothetically. In a world. The driver is imagining. If you were doing a Legendary Larry video adaptation of Gerard. The driver would be at least four beers deep. This is a video about what not to do. That's what would be happening. Exactly.

Then that driver would have at least three or four beers under the belt by the time they got to the bend. Oh boy, that bend really comes alive. I don't know what's going on. Was that the bend or am I just four beers? Yeah, and I

remember a friend of mine when he... What's your friend's name? Mick Knapper. You asshole, okay? So what'd your buddy Mick do? Kick Knapper, yes. What was Kick up to?

Now, you used to get Tooie's Extra Dry, but then Tooie's once brought out a beer called Tooie's Extra Dry Platinum, which was, I think, about 8%. You sure know a lot of backstory about this friend of yours. He's a good friend. They share everything. What do you know, Carl, about your friends? Lots of late-night gossiping sessions with Nick Capper and Nick Knapper.

And the brands of beer that they sometimes bought. Now, this guy's name was not even close to mine. Tooey's Platinum 8%. Yeah. Nicholas was not like that. No. Yeah. It was fine.

Sex Rider, we'll call him. Sex Rider. Sex Rider. Into it. Right. Yeah, but Extra Dry Platinum was like 8%. Okay. And he remembers once he was telling me.

Yeah, he was recollecting specifically the thoughts in his head. I don't like all this gossip on the show. I don't know if we should be talking about Sex Rider when he's not in the room with us. Yeah, I know. Killing Tails out of school. I feel bad. And look, I don't want to out him.

Yeah, no. But, you know, this is content. And it was a different time. I think we should say that too. It was a different time. Yeah, it was a different time I think we should say that too It was a different time Yeah it was a different time This is when fridges I mean I don't want to

Break down the exact Type and model But you guys kind of Know the type Fridges were about 5 foot So we know that's about 20 years ago It was a Bezier fridge

At the time That's what we're talking about Yeah yeah And this guy look He might have done Some other stuff Later on Sure

Potentially Drunk some hot springs Drunk some hot springs Drunk some hot springs Toured the world in a lipstick tuxedo Yeah, yeah Whoa Hang on So

We're back with Sex Rider Back with Sex Rider Oh yes So he'd Yeah, so he had drank a A lot A few of these To his extra dryers.

Now, usually with a six-pack, he would be going, oh, okay. Now, I think these only came in an eight-pack, these beers. So right off the bat, it's more. It's 8% per can. You can only get them in serves of eight. They were in bottles. That is unbelievable. It was, whoa.

I actually had a few of these myself at one point. Oh, just once? At one point. Not this time. In a backyard. No, not this time. Another had a few of these myself at one point. Just once. Not this time. In a backyard. No, not this time. Another time. Yes, and I tell you what, I was not feeling good the next day, and I got drunk quite quickly.

But this friend of mine, sex writer Mick. So you could relate to the story. When he told you this story, you must have been like, oh, dude, I totally get it. As if it happened to me. Very visceral. It was like a simulation or something. Exactly, yeah.

Yeah, and, yeah, so he had four of these very strong beers, got to garage, and rather than being like, oh, I'm feeling a little happy here, he realized that he was very, very, yeah, he was very happy. Overjoyed. Overjoyed to be, and realize this. Yep. And said, I better pull over and have a sleep. Smart guy.

Smart guy. Pulled himself over. And then said, okay, I'll have a little nap. Outside of Garrava. Outside of Garrava. And this is McNappers have a little nap. Outside of garage. Outside of garage. And this is Mick Knapper's having a nap. This is Sixth Drive. Yeah, that's the name it comes from.

This guy goes by so many names. Oh, well, yeah, come on. It's a life in the fast lane. Well, Forby's in. He probably doesn't know which one of these names. So he's got a lot of different names. Hi, I'm Mick Sex. Excuse me?

I'm Hammered. What? I'm sleeping. Excuse me? Okay, so you take a little cat Sex. Excuse me? I'm hammered. What? I'm sleeping. Excuse me? Okay, so you take a little cat nap. Who is? Taking a little cat nap. Sex driver is.

Yeah, and so... To be clear, I meant sex driver. Cat is just telling the story so well that Gareth was pulled into it. Yeah, yeah. Very, very real. The emotion is so... It feels like it happened to him. That's what's crazy.

Less like Leisure Suit Larry, more like Microsoft Flight Simulator. Sure, yeah. I'm just simulating what's happening. Right, okay. Right.

Is that something you said or Mick said that? Yeah. Because that was terrible. I think that was a Mick line. I think that was a Mick. I think that was classic Mick. I think that was the line

that we all three signed off on because we just want to hear the next bit. To be honest, Mick's. I think that was a Mick. I think that was classic Mick. I think that was the line that we all three signed off on because we just want to hear the next bit. To be honest, Mick's done a lot of stuff he regrets. And lucky a straight guy like me is here to retell us. Yeah, he should debunk these stories and say how bad they are. Yeah. And I'll tell you what. Yeah, he had about four of these beers pulled over.

Shouldn't be doing stuff like this, of course. And it was about six o'clock at night. Yep. Six o'clock at night. And had some groceries. He was in an old ute. And then woke up at two in the morning. Oh, fuck.

What? So he went to sleep at six p.m.? Six p.m. For six hours. Just a little nap. Just a little nap. For six hours. Did you say there were groceries in the car?

Oh, wait, did you say 2 a.m.? There were groceries in the car. Did you say 2 a.m.? There were groceries in the car. Did you say 2 a.m.? So you slept in the car for eight hours. He did. Oh, I did not do anything. I'm just kidding. I mean, goddammit.

I mean, sex rider. So sex rider. So sex rider. He went shopping and then got drunk and then drove and then... Thirsty work getting these carrots. I need 48% alcohol for the drive. Well, he was staying at Boom Eye at the time. And the closest supermarket is Maury.

I'm not buying apples sober. Fuck this. It's a long drive. It's a long drive. Trust me. It's a long drive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 50K. Look, I know he was doing the wrong thing, but if anything, I do sympathise him a bit.

I bet you do. Because he'd been on this drive a lot of times. I bet you see yourself in him in a lot of ways. And it's very boring. Right, right. Yeah. So he went shopping at about four or 5 o'clock in the afternoon Got some high strength beers

Drove home But then didn't drive all the way home He better stop off at 6 Before it's even night time By the sign that says Welcome to Garra It was outside of Garra

Right right right And then slept And then slept In the car or outside of the car? No, just had a doze on the seat, I think. Laid down or just kind of head back? Yeah, just head back, I think. Oh, Jesus, that neck must have felt great after that.

Find out if it did. Ask him next time you see it. Yeah, I will. Especially in a Land Cruiser ute. Yeah, right. I know this because I know him well. Yeah, you've been in that car many times. You've been in that car. I know the seat doesn't go back. Oh, right. I know this because I know him well. Yeah, you've ridden that car many times. You've been in that car.

The seat doesn't go back. Oh, okay. You've got to be very drowsy to sleep in one of those. You've got what you call pretty posture. Yeah, right. You know, sometimes people come on this show and they tell stories and they don't really know what went on. Full respect to you for getting every detail of this story

that happened to someone else. I mean, I just think it's... Right. And then brought it on the show. Beautiful friendship. He spent absolute... Like, often you'll start telling me a story and I'll go, now I'll stop you here before you begin.

Spare no detail here. I want to hear all of it. Your mental state, what you're thinking as... I want to be able to tell this. And Nick's just writing it down. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Very in-depth.

Well, he's a good friend. Yeah. Very handsome as well. Is he now? That's weird. What a weird... Very good-looking chap. What a weird detail.

A lot of people say that to him daily. Has he ever tried stand-up? I wish he would, because he is the funniest fucking... You know you just have workhorse stand-up comedians, and you have ones that are naturally funny, that don't need to do much work. He would be one of those. Someone's really arsed his way into things.

Some people say he should be locked up for what happened in this story, but there's a lot of things that people say. I hope one day he does try stand-up comedy for the first time. I don't think he'd ever have a bad performance. I stand up comedy for the first time. So wait, he woke up... I don't think he'd ever have a bad performance. But yeah, he woke up surrounded by cattle. Wait, wait. So 2am, so pulled over by the side of the road

and there's cattle all surrounding the car. Yeah, woke up because there was a drover coming through. Right. And yeah. What's that mean? Just a herd is being moved? A drover, yeah, a herd is... Oh, so he only woke up once a drover coming through. Right. And, yeah. What's that mean? Just a herd is being moved? A drover, yeah, a herd is. Oh, so he only woke up once the drover was pushing a herd of cattle through the road.

Well, this will be safe, 2am, there's no one on the road. Or here's some fucking drunk cunt sitting on a packet of Kraft singles in the back of a ute. Sorry that he's used that language about your good friend, Kappa. He's not here to defend himself. I'll let him know. I shouldn't have said that. I'll say it to his face. I won't say it. To his stupid face.

I'll tell it to his stupid, hideous face. To his stupid, unwashed face. Save it for his face. Save it for his face. We were clear. You said you would. So what does he do next? So then he's got the cow storm. He's living in Twister from what I can imagine. No, the cattle were on the ground.

Sorry, I should have said that. They were on the ground. Sorry, I always put Twister in other people's stories. It's been happening more and more lately. There was a header as well, but later on. And it was also on the ground. He just drove past it. Someone that rhymed with Helen. Bill Paxton. No, his feet He just drove past it. Someone that rhymed with Helen Hunt was there.

Fucking hell. A real Helen Hunt of a bloke. He wishes Helen Hunt was there. Ooh la la. He likes her, does he? Is he a big fan? He's a big fan. He loves Helen Hunt. Ooh la la. He likes her, does he? Is he a big fan? Big pin-up lover in his bedroom?

He loves Helen Hunt. Mick Knapper, sex driver, loves Helen Hunt. He has told me in an intimate conversation. That his dream lady. Wow. Why wouldn't he tell you? He told you about the headrest of the car before. Why wouldn't he tell you? I mean, he told you about the headrest of the car before. Why wouldn't he tell you about Helen Hunt? I know.

He'd had a few of those beers. Well, I imagine it was a scenario one day where you were in the car and you put the little flap down to shield your eyes from the sun and there's just like a little picture of Helen Hunt. What's this, Mick? That's my dream lady. That's the lady I hope to marry someday. Isn't the woman from Mad About You?

That's right. The greatest actress of our generation, Helen Hunt. And I'm going to bet her. You've had a lot of beers in your driving, Mick. Don't you tell me how to operate, Nick. I'm going to end up with Helen Hunt one way or another. That's you, Nick, the responsible friend. Always telling me the right thing to do.

God damn I wish I could be you friend I handed him A two years extra drive Platinum one time And I said You're not going to drive After these

He said no And we cracked open With cheers And I said You know what man This is as good as it gets Oh nice And then he goes

Hey you ever seen that movie That's a hell of a flick isn't it Yeah yeah yeah Everybody's got a Cut up a Jack Nicholson I think that Helen Hunt kills it. Do you know this? Right, great.

This is a great segue into this. We'll get back to that part. I don't know if we need to get back to it. Well, okay. Did you go home? Did he? Did he go home? Did he?

Yeah. I've never heard about this guy in the whole time I've been here. He must be dead. Again, it's just... Is he still okay? Is he six rows from home? He woke up at two in the whole time I've known him. He must be dead. Again, it's just... Is he still okay? Is Sex Rider still okay? He woke up at two in the morning with a hell of a hangover and then had to drive another 60 kilometres or whatever home.

And it was a hellish... And were his parents like, what the hell are you doing? I don't know those details. All I know is... I'm sorry. I talked to him a while later. I did not expect you to take offence to me asking that question. You've done every detail up until now.

When Sex Rider gets home and starts... The way you're offended by that one. Sex Rider gets home and starts sticking the puff pastry in the freezer at 3am. Is there any questions asked at that point? Or is that just normal? How was the grocery store? Let's just say the champagne ham was no longer champagne. Well, it sounds like Sex sex rider would have drunk it.

It was a very cheap Pinot Gris by the time it got out. Pinot Gris ham. The calves preferred the hot boar water than the milk that was being served up the next day. So just quickly, just to tie it all off. So that's the best thing about this rival town is that you can drink a six pack on the drive. What a compliment. They should put that on the sign when you're going into Garare. Pissed?

Nap. I do love that as a measurement of beer though. I'm going to start ordering six packs as just 50k worth of beer. Just 50 kilometers for me tonight. I want to be too drunk to drive by Garare. You know what I'm saying? How many, roughly? I'll take an eight pack.

Oh, I couldn't drink 50 Ks worth. Just give me 30. Oh, yeah, out there, that's how you measure things. What is it, six pack away? Just give me to Melton. Just give me to Melton. All right, what were you going to say about Helen Hunt? Yeah, now Helen Hunt.

Now, we all know in this room. Mick's going to love this episode, by the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He loves Helen Hunt. In this room, all the guests on this show, we all know in this room... Mick's going to love this episode, by the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He loves Helen Hunt. In this room, all the guests on this show, we all know this person very well. Friend of the show, Milan. Our friend Milan, that we all know. Love. Love.

The party animal. Life is a party. Absolutely. A real Mick Napper. Yeah. Yes, exactly. He loves it. Except much more responsible.

With a little more control, exactly. Exactly. A little more control. Exactly. He, now he's always been around the show, loves the show, loves the culture of the show, loves the listeners, all that sort of stuff. He's always been at live shows and stuff of ours. Now, he told me the other day, and I never knew this, he tried stand-up comedy.

Oh, really? He did a spot. And I was like, this is amazing. This is like 15 years and i was like this is amazing this is like you know 15 years ago something like this and i'm like i can't i just can't picture it i can't believe that that's what you did i said how did you go he goes yeah i did i did pretty well i was like now what what would you possibly talked about like what were you what were you riffing about 15 years ago and he goes and like anyone's first set you know it's about you know it's like a four or five minute set he said

that the entire set was all about the movie as good as it gets I would love to hear that set yeah do you think he's got it has he got it written down anywhere we'll have to find out I think it would still work. I think that joke still works.

You'd have to time when Channel 10 are playing it like on a Saturday night at about 6.30. Do the set later in the night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Live screening of it. Hey, we'll watch as good as it gets earlier. You're going to love this. The rest of you will find this extremely alienating.

So, sir, remember... Were you guys on Channel 10? I've got my Uncle Buck set that's coming up afterwards, so maybe tune in for that. So, sir, remember... Were you guys on Channel 10? I've got my Uncle Buck set that's coming up afterwards, so maybe tune in for that. No, I like that. We do it as a live show, so we have Milan do the set again.

We have a screen. We play the film as the support act, and then the headline act is a five-minute set about the movie. You should absolutely get him to do as good as it gets. Oh, man. Because he told me...

Now, this is a spoiler alert. This is a spoiler alert, Feef, in case we get him to do the set. But I go, can you tell me anything about the set? What were you riffing off that movie about? And he goes, I can't remember any of it, but I can tell you The Closer. And that was him gesturing with his hands and finishing the set by going, anyway, that's about as good as it gets. Oh my God.

And then finishes. Wow. Jesus Christ. And he reckons this went pretty well? That's what he said. He's full of shit. This is 15 years ago when comedy may not have been developed as it is now. That was how long ago?

I don't know. I think so, yeah. Fucking hell. That's incredible. I do a lot of About Schmidt stuff. It's great. People are lost. When I do the Kathy Bates hot tub stuff,

I can't remember that. And that's when one flew over the cuckoo's nest. Just as you're bombing. What chance do you think that we have of getting him to perform this? At the very least, I'd like to at least get some of his takes. Surely he's got some sort of... He had to feel passionate about the movie in some way in order to take it to the stage.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, so he does this. He reckons it went pretty good, but then he still never did it again. Yeah, yeah. That's right. He said there was too much swearing I remember him telling me this story

He said he swore too much Do you need it? And that is As fucking good as it fucking is That Jack Nicholson's a rat cunt But that sweet Helen Hunt As Mick Knapper's like, yeah. Hell yeah. Is that Sex Rider?

You're damn right it is. That's pretty great. The movie's rated like PG or something, and he's just fucking going for it. Yeah, just really having at it for whatever thing got in his craw. Coincidentally, the whole crowd had seen Good As It Gets, loving it. They were swearing I love it I just like my

As Good As It Gets comedians Without a party like that Even when it was out It's like Was that really a thing Was it that heavy In the zeitgeist That everyone knew

What you were talking about If you had done a whole set Of Good As It Gets I think that movie I remember it being pretty big I think it won Oscars Yeah but it was Kind of a cult favourite Wasn't it I remember loving it But it wasn't I. I think it won Oscars. Yeah, but it was kind of a cult favorite, wasn't it?

I remember loving it, but it wasn't. I don't think it was a box office smash, was it? I remember seeing it and definitely being like, I don't know. You can watch it again. It's real funny. When was the last time you watched it? Watch it again.

I just don't know if that's going to happen. I'll be honest. Great Kinears. You mean Great Kinears. I like to go there I'll be honest. The noise to do my own. You mean great Kinnear. Is that how you call it? Yeah, yeah. When was the last time you watched As Good As It Gets? Oh, I don't know.

Probably 10 years ago or something. That's pretty recent for As Good As It Gets. It was a good, there's just some great Nicholson lines in it. Sure. Where he's like, you know, she's talking with Greg Kinnear, and then Jack Nicholson goes, noodle salad fixes everything. All you've got to do is have good friends, good noodle salad.

Of course you respond to noodle stuff. Wow. Of course, Nick. Here's noodle stuff, and it's like, that speaks, I speak that language. Noodles have made my life crazy in a lot of ways, too. Okay, maybe my friend was right. Maybe Helen Hunt is the best thing about it. I do like that

as an idea for a themed comedy night. So it's on a Saturday every week and you book people months out before the TV guides are out.

And the theme of the gig is everyone who's on their set has to be about the movie that was on Channel 10 the night before. That's great.

So it's like audience coming, make sure you're spending Friday night in, you're watching Devil Wears Prada or whatever's on and then you're going to watch

four comedians do 15 minutes yeah yeah yeah they get an intern with a program and he fucks it up and starts putting on like Requiem for a Dream

yeah yeah not that scene Harry not that scene yeah comics in the group chat having to shotgun alright I pick the end I pick the end of it that would be a good shotgun. All right, I pick the end. I pick the end of it. That would be a good gala, actually.

Just movies that are... I pick the end. The end of mine. Just movies that are on high rotation on Saturday, Sunday nights, on Channel 10, Channel 9, Channel 7. So it's like, as good as it gets, Uncle Buck, Devil Wears Prada. Devil Wears Prada is always on. Billy Madison, chuck that in there.

What else would you have in there? Do you mean this is a film festival? Yeah this is just This is like So you have a gala The best of free to wear Everyone has a specific set Ah I see what you're saying

Yeah Right right right Stripes That was always on I reckon I've seen that 40 times But not I can't remember the ending Right

It's the same ending as Requiem for a Dream Okay Get those gimmicks along Man I thought it was Stripes this week Turns out Right. It's the same ending as Requiem for a Dream. Okay. You get those gimmicks a lot. Man, I thought it was stripes this week. Turns out they threw a curveball and put on 12 Years a Slave. I was halfway through and I was like,

I don't think this is scrubs. It wasn't that. It was Bill Murray sticking a dildo up his ass. Kick, kick, kick, kick. All right. I guess we better wrap it up for another week. That's what you're ending up? Yeah. A real sex writer.

All right, everybody. That's the end of the podcast. That's the safe word of the podcast is Bill Murray putting a dildo up his ass. Whenever Carl says that, I'm like, all right, we've got to wrap this up. We've got to finish it. Raul, you're just having one of his spells. He wants out. Oh, boy.

Okay. This is the weirdest. that, I'm like, all right, we've got to wrap this up. He's having one of his spells. He wants out. If you guys had codes before a show started for when you're done. If this isn't going well, remember, Bill Murray stuck a dildo up his ass. I did that at prom when I went to prom. I had to go with this. I know the show's over.

But I said to my friend, I was like, when I come back, if I'm having a terrible time, I'm going to say a phrase. I came back, I was saying it. That's the end of the show. Alright guys, that's Ben.

What did you say? What was the phrase? I mean something like, there's a lot of bananas out here. Right. Something like that that made no sense. Great.

What if it was Groundhog Day, the sequel, where he's got to get a dildo up his ass for the day to continue. Oh, right, right, right. He's doing everything right.

You know what I mean? He's trying to get the day. He's made the ice sculpture. The part of the day I hate. And he's like, he's got the tip of it up there and he's like, I think it's going to happen this time

and then click, I got you, babe. I got you, babe. I got you, babe. Why does my ass hurt? The only thing that carries over is my anal pain. That's the happy ending at the end of the movie, where every morning he looks down, there's nothing there, and right at the end, there's a dildo up his ass. He's like, yes!

And Andy McDowell's like, wait, last night got really out of control for me. There's a lot of stuff that happened that I was not okay with. Yeah, yeah. Yesterday morning, you were my weatherman, and now 24 hours later, I have an eight-inch dildo up my arse. I guess you could say we had a real groundhog day. Wait, what? I don't know.

I'm sorry. Jack Nicholson goes, that's as good as it gets. I didn't have to do any of the other shit. I just had to put it all the way in. That's the whole thing I had the wrong time. Why was I helping Ned Bryson across the fucking puddle for? It's been 15 years. All right, for real this time.

That's great. Let's wrap it up there. Gareth, you are on tour across Australia at the moment. Yep. If you listen to this straight away, Gareth is doing stand-up comedy all around this fine nation of ours. So get on there. Go to garethreynolds.com right now.

All the capital cities. What shows are there still tickets left? I thought you sold them all out. You had to add extra ones, did you? Yeah. They think in... Yeah, there's not much. Get on the Viagogo. They'll do you a good deal.

Yeah, exactly. Whatever the hell that is, do that. Get a ticket for $500 on the black market. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'm selling some for thousands. So there's a couple thousand premium seats, I call them. There's a $1,000 seated show and I direct everything right at you.

Right? Yeah. So it goes for an hour. So it's a real six-pack gig. This guy. That's a classic McNapper line if I've ever heard one. Halfway through. We're at garage now.

Also. That should be your line halfway through your set. We're at garage now. That should be your line halfway through your set. We're at garage now. Just so everyone knows. Hopefully it goes without saying. Obviously, don't do anything that we mention on the podcast. Obviously, the person who is this sex writer, I'm going to somehow see into the future.

I don't think this cunt ever amounted to anything. So don't do anything that he may have done. Guys, let's turn the mics off and go, let's go get this guy. Let's go find him and beat the shit out of him. Next jump again to defend Mick again. I think this is a guy that's learnt from his mistakes. Right, right, okay. Yeah, and anyway, I think Helen Hunt wasn't the best thing as good as it gets.

I think it was a well written movie and Jack Nicholson is an outstanding actor great so we're very anti-sex writer on this show happy you've got a tour coming up

the Tuxedo Traveller yeah yeah I'm telling the whole story about the Tuxedo thing as mentioned on here and it should be

great as in we the fans crowdfunded that you went to A through Europe, through Asia, and then back through Australia to go to Newcastle, all whilst wearing a tuxedo and the top hat and makeup

and straightened hair and the rest of it. If anything, it should go for more than an hour, this show. It should be a whole carton. I've had a lot of problems editing it. But yeah, it's a lot of fun editing it. But, yeah. Great. It's a lot of fun. And, you know, yeah, it should be good.

Sometimes you win. Yeah. If you like that whole trip that we went through on the show last year, go and see the extended version of all the bits that Kappa. Oh, I have to see that. Yeah. I've not seen that. Where's that?

We talked about it on the Newcastle episode on our show last year. I'll send you a link if you want to listen to it. Yes, I want to watch it because from everything I've seen I've fallen in love with it. Yeah. In love with.

And the picture you guys showed me before. Oh my God. Yeah, that was unrelated but it's pretty good. That was... Hell of a picture though. Yeah, that was

Kappa Requiem for a Dream. That's his 2021 show That was his closer Yeah That was a real Groundhog time That Alright guys Thanks very much for listening

And we'll see you next time See you mates And they've done it again I seed to your opinion. You cede to it? Yeah, yeah. C-E-D-E. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. As in, but that doesn't feel like you're really weighing in with any opinion of your own. No. Right. You want to remain impartial on this one. No, no, no. I'm bowing down to your, I'm letting your opinion be the opinion of the podcast. Because you agree with it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I wouldn't. I don't want to get involved. Oh, yeah, yeah, no. I'm letting your opinion be the opinion of the podcast. Because you agree with it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I wouldn't. I don't want to get involved. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a little bit too hot politically for me to put my name. You and the episode can work this out amongst yourselves. This isn't any of my business. I'm very impartial.

I don't like to put my political opinions about the podcast out there. I think it's a private matter. You believe in separation of church and podcast. Yeah, I would never tell anyone in polite company what I thought of the episode. I think that that's a little bit gauche. Good rule for a dinner party. Never bring up what you think of episodes of The Little Dumb Dumb Club.

So happy for you to be the outspoken one on this episode. Right, well, I mean mean here it comes once again yeah they've done it again well you know you can you can look after all the all the fiery fucking clap backs that you want on twitter off your your dicey opinion oh yeah a few points that are like they haven't done it again and boy i wish people people could have seen the physicality of me having to do that. You gave off some great acting. It was up there with Daniel Day-Lewis in My Left Foot right there. I genuinely have a stitch from doing that.

Oh, nice. Fuck. Yeah, it is nice. Yeah. I got a, not a stitch, but a, what is a stitch anyway? What does it mean? Well, I don't know. I just like, I had a cramp in my rib.

No, I know. I hunched my body over. But a stitch, isn't it typically if you... Like of water, is it? Or something? Oh, yeah. Well, water the core. If you eat and then go for a run, that would be something that would give you a stitch.

If you eat and then swim, I remember as a kid. No. That happened to wait until after you... Yeah, but I don't think that was stitch related. I think that was like... I always thought that was a stitch. What? I always thought that's what a stitch was. No. Like a stitch. I don't think you was stitch-related. I think that was like, you know. I always thought that was a stitch. What? I always thought that's what a stitch was.

No. Like a stitch. I don't think you got a stitch swimming, did you? You got it running or... Yeah, you got it running. What was the thing that would happen if you would go for a swim? Nothing. No one ever found out because you couldn't eat and then swim. So, that was just a mum thing to say.

Right. You've got to wait. So, it's never happened to anyone? No, no. No one ever found out. Right. Yeah. Oh, interesting.

Well, no one survived to tell us what actually happened. Ah, okay. no one ever found out. Right. Yeah. Oh, interesting. Well, no one survived to tell us what actually happened. Ah, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, interesting. So I saw a few people eat hot dogs and then swim out into the ocean and never come back. So I was waiting there to say, what's it like on the other side? But it never happened. You fed them the hot dogs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They weren't hungry. Maybe that's what happened to Harold Holt. Yeah. He had a big meal. He had a big meal and went for a swim. Yeah. And then the Chinese kidnapped him.

Yeah. In their submarine. Yeah. That thing that happens sometimes. But no, a stitch. Yeah, I guess so it's like running without having had enough water? I think it's like, I think the term stitch is very Australian, isn't it? I can't imagine anyone, like i'm trying to google it now thinking

this just won't come up because what causes a stitch because too many you know normal ways of describing stitch will come up yeah see it's like the first page is nothing if i put stitch running maybe there needs to be a button on google that's like search i'm feeling lucky and then a third one that is i'm using some fucked aust some fucked Australian dialect that no other country in the world uses. Yeah. So please just give me websiteswithin.au. Hit the button, cunt. You know what I'm talking about.

All right, here we go. We do have it. All right, what causes a stitch when running? Oh, God, there's fucking, there's plenty of stuff. This is weird. Nervousness? That's a thing that can... So nervous, so you're mid-run and you're like,

oh, I'm sweating heaps. I hope I don't see my crush. Yeah. I wonder what's behind that tree up there. Where does this path lead? I hope it's back around to the start. Otherwise, I'll get lost. Okay, that's good.

Improper breathing. Posture problems. Posture? Starting up too early. What? Weak abdominal muscles. Starting up too early? Starting off muscles starting up too early starting off too too quickly sorry okay yeah not pacing yourself a full stomach or the run the wrong running style

okay um well i think kind of all of them fall under the umbrella of wrong running style yeah yeah hunched over going too fast too soon big belly full of curry i love i love that style i love that there's not you know in this day and age they haven't worked out exactly what the stitch is because it's like how does the stitch develop today there are different theories on how and when the stabbing pain below the ribs develop during running so there's only theories it is funny that there's things like because you do hear about like you know a hundred years ago and it's easy to sit around and go these fucking idiots how funny is it that they didn't know what this was yeah but with the stitch it's like if we don't know now we're never gonna know yeah this is just gonna be a medical mystery for the rest

of time totally and you know anything like this like even i would i would normally say why don't they just fucking sit some people down and get to the bottom of it but like you know anyone doing anything like that should be working on climate change. Exactly, yeah. Honestly, you shouldn't even be working on cancer at this point. Well, it's a bit like we have no idea what causes an erection. Absolutely no idea. They just happen to the male body completely at random. I can name a few people that have caused them.

Yeah, but like I say, it's completely random. We have no way of knowing. It's like the stitch. It's people that have... Yeah, but it's like I say, it's completely random. We have no way of knowing. It's just like the stitch. It's like, what? That will be different for everyone. We should have a talk after the show. Okay. Hang on, I just got one.

Just quickly though, what's the stitch called in other parts of the world? Well... Because there's probably people listening that have absolutely no idea what we're talking about. Maybe it is called a stitch in other parts of the world. Because I'm looking at websites and they're not just.com.au. There's.comers. I feel like I've heard that used in little – probably just maybe a cramp.

Stitch does sound like a very Australian slang. It is a form of cramp. It's a cramp, yeah. The explanations range from poor blood supply in the diaphragm, resulting cramps in the abdominal muscles, to irritation of the peritoneum, the serum lining of the abdominal cavity. The theory of poor blood circulation

and decreased oxygen supply to the diaphragm makes a lot of sense. I haven't had a stitch for quite a while. I'm trying to think of when my last stitch-a-roonie was. Yeah, yeah. I don't know what I've been doing, but I've been showing some very anti-stitch behavior. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know what I've been doing, but I've been showing some very anti stitch behavior. Yeah.

I guess I have too. And I wish we could, maybe we, we form part of the modern study. Maybe let's do an inventory of what we've both been doing for the last couple of years and whatever that is. Yeah. Yeah.

Just do what we do. Yeah. The opposite causes a stitch. We, we should be putting a lab and monitored like a, like a sleep what do they call those ones the sleep studies or whatever oh yeah yeah um uh we should we should be there just big machines attached to us yeah sticking cords up her ass and trying to figure out how you

defeat the stitch yeah i can't remember the last time i had one what do you reckon this weekend you and i have a big couple of t-bone steaks and then go for a run just for old time's sake. We go stitch chaser. Like storm chasers but stitch chasers. Yeah, got the apparatus out. You and I just running around the town. We've just each had a four-course meal. It's like, Carl, I can feel it coming on. And then running by breathing like, just all irregular breathing.

Just like sucking in like a fucking kilo of air and then stopping breathing for two minutes. Or it's like when you or like doing drugs with a friend for like you know, maybe smoking a joint for the first time. Like, are you feeling anything yet? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're just both running around like terrible posture, bent over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I think, hang on, I think I'm starting to get one. I think the stitch is kicking in.

What do you see? Wonderful stuff. What do you see? So yeah, fun episode. Great to have Gareth back in the country, our old friend. We got Kappa on. Kappa was on not long ago. We always struggle with having people on too regularly, but, you know, Gareth loves Kappa.

Yes. So whatever makes people comfortable. Good point. That is worth pointing out. That wasn't a lack of anything on our part. That was a very calculated move. Yes. That's, yeah, you want the guest to be, you don't want to spend half the episode explaining

to the guest who the other fucking guest is. Yes. Yes. But, yeah, look, we shouldn't have to explain ourselves. That was a fun episode. Yep. On top of that, what we said at the top of the show was we have shows that we'd love you to come along and see us at. And we have sold out Brisbane.

We've sold out Adelaide, believe it or not. It shocks me as much as it will shock you at home to hear. It shocked people on the internet when I put out stuff on the social medias. Look, it is a small room, but we did sell out a stand-up show there. My ears are having trouble adjusting to this. Your ears have got a stitch. Yeah, my ears have got a stitch. Wow.

They've not been eating regularly. Adelaide and stand-up selling out. I know, yeah. I mean, that's the craziest combo that exists for a sell-out show. That is our Hollywood star on the Walk of Fame. Yeah. Isn't it? Are we being pranked?

We've made it. Yeah. We finally made it. Is this, this is like the Twilight Zone or something. This is our reply every time someone goes, oh, you never get on TV or you don't get a radio job. Cool cunt, we sold out a stand-up show in Adelaide. Yeah, that's worth, that's worth eight seasons of a TV show.

Exactly. Exactly. So that's great news. Thank you to all the people of Adelaide and Brisbane that did that. Look, having said that, they are both slightly smaller venues. It's just the venues we could get. Yeah. Not short notice, but just, fuck, it's hard to organise some certain sizes of venues.

But anyway. It's a slightly smaller walk on the Hollywood, star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. It's a bit, it's not in Hollywood. I think it's sort of more... It started off in East LA or something. Oh, right. I think we've just stuck our own star on a random footpath in a slum somewhere.

Still counts. Yeah. Still counts. Still something. Hey, you know that road that it's on? That's connected to the road that is the Hollywood Walk of Fame. They're all roads.

Yeah, they're all roads. There's only one. Yeah. There's only one road. It's still a star. It's not a fucking octagon or something like that. Yeah.

Still counts. Yes. So apart from that, Melbourne. It's still a star. It's not a fucking octagon or something like that. Yeah. Still counts. Yes. So apart from that, Melbourne. Now we concentrate on Melbourne. Of course, this will sell out, but just a reminder to do that. We've got shows. Traditionally, as we've talked about, traditionally we do afternoon shows during the Comedy Festival in Melbourne.

We are only doing two of those this year. Usually we do four or maybe a late night one as well and a drunk cast. We're not doing any of those things. We're doing two Saturday afternoons, April 4, April 11 there. There's a couple dozen tickets left

for both of those. Get onto that. Then of course, the 500th episode, Saturday night, April the 25th, 8.30pm. It's going to be a blinder.

It is, I think it's about 80% sold now by my reckoning. So not very, not too far to go. Lots of tickets being sold in the last week too. Yeah, yeah. Really picking up steam. A big surge in the last week.

So get onto that. Not long, not many tickets to go. There is still a few months to go actually. But man, so looking forward to that. So get on that. And of course our stand-up comedy shows, each of us is is, you know, basically the opposite of all the things that we've said already.

We need people to go and buy tickets to those things. Yes. But we haven't plugged them too hard and they haven't been on sale for that long. So, Tommy Dassler, your brand-new show is called Meatball. It's called Meatball. Your name born from us talking about it on this show, your nickname in your high school years that you gave yourself. Yes, that I tried to get going very unsuccessfully.

March 25th until April 19th, 7.35pm every night except Wednesdays. No, sorry, every night except Tuesdays at the Cooper's Inn. Right. Give us your synopsis. Tell me what it's about. It is going to be a lot about art kind of stuff. So post me doing an exhibition. I'm kind of trying to do comedy that's about...

Post me do. Is that what you said? Post me doing an exhibition. Hashtag me do. Boy, that is a long bow. Your show should be about archery because you are good at long bows, my friend. Thank you. I do have an archery joke in it. Do you wow it's always been an aim of mine there's certain subjects

no you kind of aim with a bow no no no come on mate i know i fucked up the first time but not the second time no i've got an archery joke i've got a couple of archery jokes in there oh an archery chunk yeah oh there's certain little um words that i've always had aims of like you know like nick cody always jokes about you know what my set list looks like yeah and he'll say uh marbles pineapple trampoline and whenever he does it i go that's a fucking good good ideas yeah they're great ideas i actually want some of those thank you um but sorry uh meatball about your art you you you you're foray into the art world yeah so i'm trying to do a lot of uh kind of multimedia

kind of stuff where i'm doing uh a lot of jokes about different forms of artworks well you know that's all obvious from the name meatball i would have thought that's a classic comedy festival i'll call it this and work out what the show is later. Oh, yeah. When I hear, please call me Carl, Mr. Comedy was my father, I think of bow and arrow. Well, they're just jokes. Mr. Comedy, that's all you need to know.

Well, I did say on this program months and months ago that I made a pledge on the show that I was going to call my next festival show that. So I thought, well, I've got to call it that and then put it in. And then I thought, this is what the show will be about. Okay. Well, I guess I can accept that. I guess that's okay. Thank you.

You're welcome. Meatball. Meatball. By the way, you would have seen this on my twitter the other day i put up the poster and the poster has me holding a bowl of spaghetti and there's lots of meatballs in the spaghetti it's like photoshopped to be bigger than it actually was when i took the photo and peter hellyer commented going why is it called meatball but there's multiple meat balls on the on the bowl of spaghetti like what Like what's going on here?

Is there one or is there several? Great. And I go, no, it's because that was my childhood nickname that I tried to get going for myself that I talked about on an episode of the podcast that you were on. And he goes, oh, I remember that. Yeah, I thought that was hilarious. I'm like, no, you don't.

No, you didn't. Great. Great. Yeah. When was that? Was that like the last studio episode we did with him? That was probably, I think roughly this time last year with him and Limo. Yeah, right. Okay.

Start of, yeah, start of 2019. We haven't done one with him for a while. No, I think that was, yeah, the last time he was on. Yeah. I think we slightly scared him one time when we did the – well, weirdly enough, the last Adelaide Live podcast we ever did, we had him on. And I'm not telling tales out of school.

He was very hungover from the night before. And then there was an episode where we, for some reason, kept ringing a listener of the show. And his answering machine on his phone was just talking about how his dad had just died, and so we just kept ringing to hear the message. To hear the message because we kept talking over it. Yeah. And so I think we missed that detail the first couple of times.

Right. And then we finally got the detail that the dad had died. Yeah. And then we called back a few more times to leave messages where we made fun of him for daring to have a deceased father god it's good stuff on this show it is good stuff and and you know that on top of pete being a bit hung over i think he was a bit like what the why the fuck am i doing this thing what am i doing i'm gonna be on the daily mail yeah fucking hell completely fair takeaway oh that's what i'm

i agree for sure. It's a hard argument to go, no, but... Oh, yeah. Yeah. Fair enough. Yeah. Meatball. Meatball.

Well, that's... You know, Mr Comedy is my nickname, so... Similar story with me. Oh, we've both used... Yeah. Our nicknames in our show titles. Yeah. Cute.

Twins. Yeah. So, that show titles. Cute. Twins. So that's good. That's funny things. Yeah, mine's on sale. Mine's 8.15 every night in Melbourne at the European Beer Cafe, 7.15 on Sundays. And I've got a couple of shows that are directly straight after those live episodes. So April 4 and April 11 are at 4 o'clock. And then my show's at 5.30

If you want to stay in the same venue And see the two shows back to back Oh cool And then mine at 7.30 Oh yeah yeah yeah So we make a big night of it I think they're the three People have asked me that

They're the two nights that you can see all of our shows on the same night Oh okay Because I think we're sort of Because when you're on you're the same time We're roughly the same time Yeah What are you 7.35? Yeah At that classic comedy time On the same night. Okay. Because I think we're sort of... Because when you're on, you're the same time. We're roughly the same time. What are you, 7.35? Yeah.

At that classic comedy time. I don't know why it's 7.35. Yeah. I have absolutely no idea. Well, I'm sure we've talked about this and I've said this exact point, but Brett Blake books the venue. Right. So, I mean, look, clearly dyslexia translates over to numbers as well. Yes.

Yes. 7.35. God. Yes, yes. 735. God. Anyway. It's very weird. The idea of being there for 730 and the clock striking 730 and being like, only five minutes to go until I'm doing comedy. Hold your horses.

Anyway. So that's the thing. You have to pick between us most nights but there's the two nights April 4 and April 11 that you can see both of us back to back and in fact

the podcast as well back to back to back so cool do that alright let's crack straight in we're racing against the clock to some

certain degree today we've always got somewhere to go we're not losers we've got shit to do yeah but let's do this part of the show where we say thank you to everyone who continues to sponsor us to some degree

by going onto patreon.com slash little dum-dum club and chucking in some shekels to us every week, every month to keep this show on the road. It's very much appreciated. It's the only reason that this show exists at this point. So thank you for doing that and of course we try and reward everyone by sending out a bonus magazine about bonus episode a month and of course we read out people's names uh which is the greatest gift of all yeah i think the the magazine and the episode who cares yeah this is the real reason to chip we put a lot of

time and effort into both of those things and they mean nothing when compared to us your heroes reading out your birth name yeah and immortalizing you putting your name up there in the stars and just talking about how cool you sound yeah and how much we like all that positive talk we do yeah yeah exactly a real glow up for people i don't even know why we bother with the magazine and episode. I mean, I certainly do think that about the magazine every month as I'm doing it, but fuck. And again, you know, we say this all the time, serious doubts, serious questions as to how many people actually even bother opening the email that it's contained within. Oh, look, and on top of that, the ones that then send us and go, oh, what happened to the episode?

We forgot to download it from four months ago. Oh, well, you're hot on this. Yeah. Just makes all the stress feel really worthwhile, as you're wondering. This will be worth it. But, hey, you know what? We are big sooks. Those three people that read it and then get in contact with us,

they seem to be loving it. Yeah. And what more could you ask for? Yeah. 100% of your audience absolutely loving what you put out? Yeah. I mean, where else do you get that? Great.

We don't get that with the regular episodes, but we certainly get it with the magazine. Yeah. Nothing but great feedback. We love you all. Let's crack into this. Of course, let's read out some names, read out some subscribers, some heroes of the show,

some sponsors of the show. Very much appreciate it. Noel, I'll be heading off to spend some of your money straight after this. Any questions? No. I mean, you've told me what you're doing. It's a pretty cool story. Heading to a brothel for a little afternoon delight.

That'd be nice. No. That'd be nice. No. That would be nice. I've never done it. I've never partaken. Me either. Whoa, your voice sort of cracked when you said that. If you were hooked up to a lie detector then, I don't know,

there'd be a fair bit of movement on that scale. Oh, there's movement, right. Oh, there's your second erection. Right. Have I talked about this? I walk past a brothel that's near my house every day on the way to the gym. Oh, I know why you chose that gym. And I'm quite often going there at like four in the afternoon and I'll see people coming out at like, you know, 3.30 or whatever.

Oh, yeah. And I just think it's like, it's a very curious, this story has made Carl just start pissing all over my living room floor. That's calm. Oh, finished. Oh, feels good. I'm just always amazed by that. Just the afternoon sesh at the brothel.

And look, you know, sex work is real work. I subscribe to that idea. No judgment about people doing whatever they want to do. It's just like something about it in the... I mean, even just someone having sex with a partner in the afternoon is a little weird. Just sex is weird. Just sex, full stop.

Yuck. Yeah. I mean, we find it weird that we get paid to do this job. So I find that equally weird that anyone gets paid to have sex. Yeah, exactly. It's a weird thing. It's basically... It's not that I think sex work isn't a legitimate job.

I think it's disgusting the fact that they're having sex. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's the disgusting the fact that they're having sex. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Regardless of their being money in the... The money's fine. The money doesn't even register to me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Grow up. Yeah, put your pants back on. Why would you ever take your pants off? I shit in my pants. That's great. Just deciding that

sex is just like a pursuit for teenagers. It's like you're having sex with your partner and they're like, I'm about to cum. You're like, I'll grow up.

Yeah, yeah. Keep it in your pants. Keep it in your pants. Get a room. When I first met my girlfriend, my then girlfriend, now wife, we used to work together and we would drive home and pass two brothels on the way home. And we're just endlessly fascinated with what was happening at the front of it every day.

Like we'd be getting close to it going, what do you reckon we'll see today? Because we were just so interested in seeing whether we'd be seeing clients go in, clients go out and what they'd look like. Clients go out and what they look like. Okay. Or they were very, the workers in there were very want to take breaks in their dressing gowns and come out for a drink or a smoke. Oh, really? Dallies out the front? Yes.

Interesting. See, I've never seen, this one I walked past, I've never seen anyone that works there go in or out. Yeah. Well, that was a cool thing. When you'd see people on breaks, you'd be like, that's so funny that like, just like everyone else, it's like, oh, I'm just going to have a break from getting pounded in the pussy for five minutes. Just come out and have a quick smoke before I go back in and fucking sign up again. Well, you know what I've just realized? This brothel is next to a boxing gym and it's kind of pretty open air.

Like, you know, so you can often hear, when you walk past, you can hear very clearly what's going on in there. Oh wow, really? The boxing gym. Oh damn. I thought you meant the brothel. No, but what I'm saying is I walk past and these sounds that I can hear, I think they're coming from the gym. I'm hearing a lot of...

Three points! Who knows? Maybe that's coming from the brothel. Touchdown. Yeah, nice. Fuck, I did a very, it's not classic anything, just dumb behavior. I remember I used to live with a guy who was like, he just got that horny one night. He just sat there and this this is when i was living in ballarat he was that fucking horny but he wasn't saying that he was just like kept talking

about how there's a brothel in ballarat like out in the sticks even for ballarat like way out and he just kept talking about it was like yeah yeah this brothel and i'm like yeah cool yeah we should go and i'm like yeah cool yeah, cool. Great idea. We're not going. And honestly, he just sat there all night. It got to like one in the morning. And he'd been talking to me about it for three to four hours about how good it would be to go and trying to convince me to go out there and what he would do for me if we went out there

or what we'd be doing out there. Maybe it was because I had a license and he didn't or something. I think he was trying to get me to drive him out there. Yeah, because I'm trying to put it together. Like why does he need an accomplice in this? I think maybe he was a bit scared or something of being by himself out there. Okay, yeah, yeah. It's an intimidating thing I imagine for the first time, yeah.

But just in hindsight, I just find it so funny that I'm just, for whatever reason in the same room as this person this guy who was so horny that he's trying to convince me

to hold his hand and go into a brothel with him but the other thing was he then didn't go and use the brothel like we literally went out there

like fucking teenagers and just sort of went in there and the people that are working there are going what would you like guys and we're like

some sex can I get a glass of water sort of went in there and the people that are working there are going, what would you like, guys? And we're like... Some sex? Can I get a glass of water? And we just, like, looked around and they're like, okay, boys, have your little wide-eyed look around here and your little giggle. How often do you reckon they're dealing with people like that on a day-to-day basis in a brothel?

Just real fucking, you know, rubberneckers. Just a sign out the front of the brothel that says, no time wasters, please. No tie kickers. Yeah. I think definitely in Ballarat it would be like, it was more of a novelty. I think people in Melbourne would be a bit more like,

yeah, this is where this sort of stuff happens, surely. But still, weekend night and people being drunk. What about this? I'll say this quickly. I don't know whether I should have said this. Oh, no. People here are losing their nerve. I'll say this quickly. I don't know whether I should have said this. Oh, no. I'll say this.

I got a taxi the other night. Not an Uber. I try and support the taxi drivers. Taxi driver out the front of Spleen on a Monday night. And I got in the cab. And the good thing about taxi drivers is they're better chats than Uber drivers, in my opinion. No? I'm trying to think.

I think they're better chats in that a lot of the time they just don't want to talk. Yeah. Sometimes you just want to sit there and be quiet. Yeah. I'm noticing a lot more Uber drivers that want to have convos about whatever bullshit they've seen on Netflix or whatever. Oh, really? And I'm not always into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're not getting that with taxi drivers though because they're old school. That's what I mean. Yeah. So I got one the other night. Possibly one of my favorite taxi drivers ever. Great. Very good stuff.

Out the front of Spleen. So it gets in. Literally the opening line. So this is, as they would say in the olden days, a coloured gentleman. Any questions? None. None. No interest?

No, I'm on the edge of my seat. Great, great. It's just, no, you've painted such a picture for me. Great, great. Another erection happening? Yeah, another erection. Right, great. Not sure where he was originally from or anything like that.

Didn't give it away. But he was... I'm painting this picture just so you know his opening line when I got in the cab. Yeah, and as they would say in the olden days, a colourful picture. Yes. Get in the cab. He goes, where's that pussy tonight? Oh, hell yes.

Opening line. Hell yes. And I just laughed. I was like, I don't know, man. You tell me. He's like, oh, man, it's around here. There's stuff around here. I'm like, I don't know, man. You tell me. He's like, oh, man, it's around here. There's stuff around here. I'm like, okay.

This is on a Monday night, let's be clear. Yes. And then I go, actually, because we're getting picked up from Spleen at the top of Bourke Street. I go, oh, you think it's good around here, do you? You're like, wait a minute. I know exactly where the pussy is. He goes, I go, do you ever, because he picked me up out front of, directly opposite spleen, there's a massage parlor.

Now, the theory that I share with some people is, you have a massage parlor that's got that flashing open sign. That means dodgy stuff's happening. That's the wink and the nod, I think. That's the symbol? the nod, I think. That's the symbol? Yeah, I think so. You don't need one of those flashing lights if you're trying to relax.

I think that's a bit of... Yeah. ...red light action. Yeah. Yeah. So that's the theory. It's the guy on the tarmac with the, like, waving the plane in.

Yeah. Just this, right this way. Yeah. Yeah. It's the siren and the lights on the top of the cop car. It's open yeah something's happening um and on top of that that certain massage parlor the front window is nothing but lights it's just a billion lights it's just going off non-stop at like midnight like

who's that stressed at midnight really yeah yeah so i said to him he's open with where's that pussy at tonight i said you ever go to that massage parlor? Do you ever? What's to go there? My theory is a bit of funny business going on in there. What do you think? He goes, oh, man, absolutely. He goes, yeah, I've been there.

I went there. They're always trying to get me to come in there. And I went in there with a friend once. And I walked in there and they said no boy you can't come in here you're too big for us oh my god i couldn't i had i can't no longer in there anymore oh my god that's cool well that solved it yeah and then he goes yeah yeah weird street this is a weird street i'm like oh yeah well apart from that what else is weird taxi drivers yeah yeah yeah what else is happening that's so weird he goes oh you know undercover officers and i'm like oh yeah well apart from that what else is weird taxi drivers yeah yeah yeah what else is happening that's so weird he goes oh you know undercover officers and i'm like what

do you mean because there's an undercover office officer here in the street i'm like where uh you know that homeless woman on the ground trying you know getting getting money that's like fbi great oh i don't know if it is. No, no, definitely. I know. I talked to her. Definitely. Like, yeah, if a homeless person tells you that they're from the FBI, I don't think that guarantees that they are.

I mean, I know they think they are. Yeah. But I don't know if they actually are. Yeah. I'm like, what case are they trying to crack? At the top of Bourke Street, out front of Spleen, all the fucking dodgy-looking massage parlor. And he's like, oh a lot of a lot of

stuff going on am i okay oh you know i want to i want to believe as fox molder once said i want to believe yes i love the idea that the fbi are just like launching an aussie division they've just sent a representative out to burke street but this criminal hot spot yeah but what are you what are you chasing down like it's a pretty dodgy end of the street. There's no... We've had word on some maniac running rampant on stage at a comedy night every Monday night. We need to do some surveillance on him.

I reckon the only time that there's been police needed at that end of the street is literally to move on homeless people that are telling people they're from the FBI. Yes, yes. That is a red hot stretch. That's the main concern of anyone at that end of Berk Street, I would say, is fucking crazy people being off their head. Yeah.

Did you give this guy a big old fat tip when you got out? Yeah, of course I did. Yeah, fuck yeah. I always like to reward people in the entertainment industry. Yes. Fellow entertainers. Chuck into the jug on your way out of the taxi. Absolutely.

Keep this for yourself, buddy. No, yeah. Anyway. You and that fat hog go out for a nice dinner on me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah.

Take this extra five and see if that'll get you in the door there. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Sorry. Anyway, get back to business. I don't want this to be a long one, as I've said probably for the last three months in a row. Patreon subscribers, thank you very much to everyone.

I've got to go and get a haircut, so I want to get going. I don't want to miss that appointment. Because I got a text from the hairdressers that were like, if you don't show up, it's like a $50 fine. Wow. Like, how are you regulating that? How are you going to get that $50 off me? Do you go to the same place every time? Been a couple of times in a $50 fine. Wow. Like, how are you regulating that? How are you going to get that $50 off me? Do you go to the same place every time? Been a couple of times in a row.

Okay. But that just means if they go, okay, $50, I go, all right, I find a new hairdresser. I'm surprised that you book. You just turn up? Only because the last couple of times I went, I turned up and they said no.

Oh, okay. So I was like, I'll just make this easy. I'll book it in for when I'm going to be in the city to record this thing. Mm-hmm. Anyway, let's get on to this. No, name number one. First cab off the rank.

Yeah, nice term. First cab off the rank. Where that pussy at? Thank you to Patreon subscriber. Well, look, this is interesting. This will answer a question we posed on the show a week or two ago. Okay. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Alec DeGenerow.

Alec DeGenerow or Alec DeGenerow. It can't be DeGenerow. No, it must be DeGenerow. D-E-G-E-N-N-E-R-O. Okay. What was the question? Alec DeGenerow. Didn't we talk a few weeks ago or a week ago about people on the doll subscribing to this show?

To our Patreon? Yeah. Now, this person... Now, I know it's all completely random. So, this is just a very weird coincidence that I've noticed this. But this person at some stage has sent me a text. Okay. Alec.

So, this is the text. So, as of this Monday, i won't have a job which means until i get a new one hopefully not long the little dum-dum club will be getting a sweet cut of my doll money i didn't have it in me to cancel my subscription and besides you haven't read my name out yet it's been a bit over two years wow the uta must really not like my name we've seen this guy through good times and bad. Yeah. So we're finally getting government money coming into the show. Well, this, what is it, Alec DeGeneres?

Yeah. That name kind of sounds like Ellen DeGeneres trying to come up with a pseudonym but not doing a very good job of it. Right, right. Like not being creative enough to just come up with something that's like way... This is Ellen DeGeneres' Facebook name. Yes, yes, Alec DeGeneres. Yeah, when she wants to drive everyone to the fan page instead of the personal page.

I want to ask her to do Spleen. What's her fucking name on here again? There's a few of them. E-L... People might not know that out there because we don't, me and you don't do it. No. But we, a lot of our friends have fake names on uh on facebook yeah to drive people to their

fan pages basically or to not get harassed yeah i would say a girls to not get harassed b in a weird stupid form of ego decision where you you really think people are going to go to your fan page instead. Yes. I'm CCing in Ben Lomas to that comment. Who else? A lot of people, fair enough. But he was a good one where he went on Open Slather and changed his name to Ben Lomas. Exposing him out there to everyone. Ripping off the masked magician.

Outing him. Thinking, yeah. Outing him. Thinking, I've made it here. I'm going to be the 17th banana on an absolutely terrible sketch show that no one watches on pay TV. Yeah. Better change the name on Facebook. Awesome. So good.

I have a fake profile ready to go. Oh, you do too. That you're the only friend of. You do too. No, I don't think I am a friend of you of his anymore oh no hers hers sorry no because i did a big cull and i made the decision really i made the decision to get rid of you got rid of domi tasolo my sister dominic well i also didn't like being friends with it because you would put up pictures as your profile picture of other comedians that i was friends with it because you would put up pictures as your profile picture

of other comedians that I was friends with. I did that once. Yeah, it made me feel a bit uncomfortable. Yeah, no, I remember I changed it because you were like, can you get rid of that? If this person goes, for some reason, looking through my friends list, they don't even have to go that far into the alphabet for a pretty nasty shot.

Yes. Domi Tassolo. Yeah. I should bring that page back. Yeah, bring it back. My burner account. Yeah. Maybe I'll just delete my actual account and start fresh with Domi.

That'd be nice. Yeah, it would be nice. Not having to make the awkward decisions about like, should I really cull this person, delete them? No, just start fresh. I've been culling, baby. It's been good. Yeah, I'm jealous jealous had a couple of

toilet sessions the other day and got rid of another couple of dozen what are you down to I think like

370 or something god which is pretty I mean you know normal people out there that's probably what they do

normally but when you're in the entertainment industry like us for whatever reason you've got to be friends with every fucking open mic

person every person you work with on a tv show and then listeners and then uh people that like your stand up and blah blah blah so you you know a lot of people have two two to five thousand friends on facebook and i'm like i got so okay i've got 1428 but you stopped accepting people i stopped accepting quite a while ago yeah yeah yeah so i was, yeah. So I was up to, I don't know what, yeah, I was in the 2000s or something. It takes a lot for me to be fucked like meeting someone in association and getting on with them. It used to be meet someone first time you ever connect with them in any way.

Phones come out, what's that? For me now, it's months in. And it's certainly like, well, I'm not going to ask. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If they ask if they want, sure. But it's also like I never use, apart from Messenger, which you don't even have to be friends with the person. Yes.

Like I never do anything on there anyway, so who cares? Yeah, yeah, I agree. I agree. And that's what I've done. Get down to a sweet 370. God. Yeah. How the fuck?

Can you remember roughly what you were on when you started the cull? Yeah, I think. In the thousands? Oh, totally. God. I was 2,000 to 3,000. Wow. Easy.

Yeah, easy. How many of those were people that you just like, you saw them in there and you were like, I have absolutely no idea who this person is? Yeah, quite a few. I've started to do that a bit if a status or whatever. If I see something on my news feed, I'm like, I literally don't know who this person is. Yeah.

Bye, bitch. Yeah, yeah. You know what? I'm turning on my feed now. I just see pages of things that I've liked. I'm rarely seeing personal updates. Oh, the updates from turning the pillow over onto the cold side what are they weighing in with in 2020 yeah yeah yeah yeah exactly i'm just i'm just seeing a lot

of a lot of that sort of stuff that old that old school thing of facebook when it was like it would if you liked it like all those pages that were like based on the idea that when you like something, so if you like a page, it shows up on my feed, you know, car likes toenails over the sink. So you would like a page purely just for the joke of that, that information.

And then it's like, who cares what the page is actually doing? I've gotten all that I need out of this after I hit that like button. Yes. Yes, exactly. Um, anyway, thanks Alec. Alec, this after I hit that like button. Yes. Yes, exactly. Anyway. Thanks, Alec.

Alec, did we tackle that properly? Yeah, yeah. He got the general. Thank you. Thanks for your doll money. Thanks for your doll money. Yeah. Sorry that you'll be not even able to afford fucking noodles this week.

Yeah. Sorry about that. Two-minute noodles. You'll only be able to afford one-minute noodles this week. They're cheaper in my head. Good shit. Yeah, good shit. Yeah, thank you.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber Kylie Healy. I can see you don't like this. No, honestly, I'm trying to work out what I think of it. Right. I've never heard anything like this in my life. Kylie Healy. Kylie Healy. Yeah.

And look, I'll throw this on there as well. Kylie, K-Y-L-E-E. Sorry, Kylie. Yeah. That's rough. Yeah. That is rough. It's not ideal.

Not ideal. Kylie Healy. Look, I can't say if I had the surname Healy, I can't say I'd be looking at a first name with Y in it for my child. Yeah, I agree. I'd be getting as far away from that as I possibly could. It's just hard to say. Kylie Healy.

Kylie Healy. Kylie Healy. You've got to stick your tongue Kylie and then replicate it again in like a second's time. Kylie Healy. Kylie Healy. And you saying that, it sounds like it's one word. You would have to be repeating that to people constantly.

Kylie Healy. Kylie Healy. Kylie Healy. You can't even say it. You can't even Beetlejuice it. You can't say it three times. Kylie Healy. Kylie Healy.

Kylie Healy. But also there's no option with Kylie. That's the name. Kai. You can't shorten it. No. No. I mean, I guess she could.

Maybe she'd be put. Kai Healy. Kai. Yeah, Kai's a boy's name though. You can't do it. No. I mean, I guess she could. Maybe she'd be put... Kai Healy. Kai. Yeah, Kai's a boy's name, though. You can't do that. Yeah. Yeah. Nah.

Heels. Kylie Heals. Yeah, if you just fuck with your family and just abbreviate the surname. Look, you know, I don't want to be too classist, but, you know, if you just spelt Kylie properly, you'd be back in my good books to some degree. I still wouldn't be loving it, but it definitely does make it a bit worse. What is literally going through the head of someone going, well, I know everyone spelt Kylie properly. Especially when there's such a famous Kylie.

Yeah. So it's like anytime you say Kylie, people are like, such a famous Kylie. Yeah. So it's like, anytime you say Kylie, people are like, oh, like Kylie Minogue. Not quite. No. Like her, but fucked her.

Like, but wrong. Yeah. Yeah. Imagine if you were dumb and you tried to spell Kylie. Imagine that. Yeah. That's my daughter.

Yeah. That's why. So you're not even saying that about yourself. You're saying that about your daughter. Yeah. And you've given her that name Yeah Wow Yeah well she looked

She looked like the fucked version of Kylie When she came out Ah okay So well I thought that was inappropriate You know She didn't have any hair or anything Or any teeth I'm like

You remind me of Kylie Minogue But if she was all fucked up Yeah Yeah So I'll just fuck up your name Bald and toothless Yeah You're not worthy of the moniker

kylie couldn't talk couldn't sing couldn't dance couldn't sing the shit like i'm not going to give you a proper the proper spelling of kylie we're huge kylie fans but we just don't want to taint the queen yeah yeah by her being associated with you we've gone half in half out yeah phonetically it's a tribute now look if you this is aspirational. If you grow into being worthy of the name Kylie, guess what? Your 18th birthday will pay for you to get it changed. Yeah. Swap a vowel. All right.

That's not bad. That's not bad at all. Yeah. And then you can choose your own last name so you don't get the Kylie Healy thing. Or you get to marry someone else. It's like an organized marriage, an organized wedding. Yes. They just pick someone organized marriage, an organized wedding. Yes. They just pick someone with an actual cool last name.

They're just friends with a family called Minogue down the street. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is going to be awesome. Yeah, nice. That would be good. You know, you hear about the arranged marriages. That would be good if they arranged it just purely on the surname. Purely on the surname.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't mind that. Yeah. Just a lot of people with like fucked surnames that are like, actually, we've never thought of arranged marriages, but we're into it now. We're into it now. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're going to arrange. We're the parents, and we're going to arrange new marriages for ourselves, so we can get good names as well. Yes, we're out. I'm out of this one. Kylie Healy. Well, thanks, Kylie.

Thanks, Kyles. Sorry. Thanks, Patreon subscriber number three for this week, Christy Galloway Don't mind the last name Galloway I don't either I went to school with a Galloway Really?

Mm And what did you draw out of that? Galloway's like a Good guy Famous golfing brand I believe Is it? Yeah You see hats with like Galloway

Okay I'm less into it now Really? Golf Yeah Boring Oh, you don't like golf Yeah Have you ever played it?

Four Look out There's a fucking boring sport happening around you Yeah, I have played it Not for a very long time I mean, it is something that I think traditionally people get more into as you find the kind of, what would you call it, kind of peaceful, tranquil nature of it to be more interesting as you get older.

For all the people screaming at the podcast at the moment, yes, it's Calloway is what I'm thinking of. Close enough. Who cares? Exactly. Who gives a fuck? The same. Look, we found the golf riff, so let's keep on it.

Yeah. What, you played it like once, twice? Did you play it for school? No. I played it a couple of times when I was probably like 15 or something. All right. What I was into for a little bit when I was about 20, me and some friends every now and then would go down to the driving range.

Oh, yeah. The Albert Park golf course. Yeah. Hit a few balls off into the distance. That I didn't mind. It's there, you fuck around. Maybe I would enjoy it now if I played it. But you know what? I do not understand people watching it.

On TV, you mean? Yeah. I don't mind it in – I understand it in a certain way. And I'll talk you through exactly how. Please. I quite like the way of watching sport where there's several games happening at once and you can flick around and see what's happening in the other games. So that's sort of how golf is televised because you see one guy hit a shot

and then, okay, well, that's on the second hole. Let's cut to the 17th hole where someone's fucking playing another shot. So you get to sort of keep up with everyone. You're not following – if you're following one person around the course, yes, absolutely boring. Very boring, yeah. But if you're just cutting between people hitting the fuck out of the ball every fucking five seconds, I don't mind it.

It's okay. And pretty much every time you guarantee that you're going to see a good shot. Well, it's not even that. In my opinion, it's more like, okay, well, you know the leaderboard. All right, we'll cut to this guy who's like one in front. What's he going to do? Hits a shot. Oh, he's, fuck this.

Oh, that's interesting. Now he's back. Yeah, okay. Being dragged back to the field. That seems like a lot to keep on top of. That seems like a very confusing watch. Oh, it looks not perfect. It's not perfect, but I used to be quite into it when I was a kid.

Just every hole is like 18 different tiny little screens on the TV all at once. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to decide where to look. Well, it's like anything. You know, the person coming last is not getting a heap of action. Yeah. You know, you want to see the leaders. And, you know, you might want to see occasionally a bit of whoever's coming last is going,

anyway, this cunt is 32 shots off the lead. But what about being there? Let's see him pull out the putter on the tee and see what the fuck he's doing. What about being there live and watching that? You're boring. Yeah. I would never do that. That's rough.

The people who do that, it's up there with motor racing. I was about to say. Yeah. Good for you. If that's something you're passionate about, great. But just sitting there and seeing four seconds of action every however long, don't get it. And they go on that quick, you don't even know who they are. Yeah.

Very weird. Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, it's just unrealistic. You can't do that on the roads. So why is it okay in here? Yeah, yeah. Look, you know, there's a lot of stuff

where you go, oh, go out and see live comedy. Like some people sit at home, watch comedy and go, oh, it's not that good. It's better than Netflix. Live is better.

Yeah. But I will say in terms of golf and motor racing, I encourage you to stay home and watch it on TV. Oh, right. Yeah.

It must be shit house live. That's funny. I dared someone at the end of a round of golf, guys, come on, tell your friends, get out and support live golf. Live golf.

It's not just for the PGA. It's year-round. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's not just for the Grand Slams, guys. It's on every week. I might go watch the tennis tonight, actually. Really? You might?

Yes. I've been off the grogs this month, as I talked about a few weeks ago, and it's a bit of a shame because a smaller tradition has started where I've gone to the tennis the last couple of years and had some beers and it's been quite enjoyable but I figured I wouldn't do that this year because without the beers it's not as interesting

Yeah, I never really drink that much when I go there It's like being there Fun atmosphere Well, you're not far away where you live Well, yeah, I might get a ground pass and go well it's weird i'm gonna go but then get a ground pass and watch like the main game like in that outdoor bit so i mean i am still technically kind of watching it on tv oh do you know what i mean oh but you go there and you watch it on the big screen well if you go at night you get a ground pass and so it's just like the night game

is on. Yeah. You don't have a seat in at Rod Laver. Yeah. But then there's that whole kind of precinct out around it where they've got like food and drinks and stuff. Yes. So I would be watching it on the screen out there.

Oh. So as much as I'm going, no, I'm getting out and supporting live sport. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I still just am watching it on TV. When I have my own TV just across the street. But the atmosphere out there is really nice. Were you there with us last year? I was not.

You weren't there, right. There was a bunch of us went and drank all day and fucked around and had full intentions of watching tennis and I think maybe watched 20 minutes. Great. Made people not enjoy the tennis as much because we went and saw two people we've never heard of and then decided that we were fans of the Finnish guy or whatever the fuck. This sounds like a nightmare.

Yep. Started yelling out stuff about Finland and discouraging wherever the person, the opponent was from and just being, you know,

pretty much cunts at about 11.30 in the morning. Yep. And then thought maybe we should just go and drink in the park instead. Yeah.

I think that was it for us. Yeah. Money well spent. It was fun though. Yeah. Thanks, Christy. Thanks, Christy. Thanks, Christy Galloway.

Thanks, Christy Galloway. For that sweet riff of golf that your name has nothing to do with. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you to Patreon subscriber A. Kershaw. They didn't give their first name. Hmm. I wonder if A is the initial of the first name or whether they're just saying,

yeah, I'm a Kershaw. Right. I'm one of them. A singular. Yeah. Name's Sam. I'm just a Kershaw. Yeah.

Just to let us know that two people didn't team up, two family members didn't team up to subscribe. Oh, right. Yeah. This isn't the Kershaws. This is a Kershaw. Yeah. Maybe.

Maybe they, well, sometimes people like subscribe and then add a note that says, please don't read my name out, which I'm all, there's two points where I'm like, well, why? Why can't we read your name? Like, I'm all, there's two points where I'm like, well, why? Why can't we read your name? Like, why are you so ashamed of sponsoring this podcast? I'm shy.

What do you, what possible outcome can happen of your name being read out on this show? Well, it is funny because we go pretty hard on people sometimes, but it's all purely speculative. Yes. Like, we don't know any of these people. Yes. So the idea of someone thinking that they might get offended by something that we just pluck out of the ether with absolutely no idea of anything about them or their character

is pretty funny. Yeah. Like just sitting there crying going, it's not the golf brand. It's not. Golf isn't boring. It's like you don't know me at all Why did you have to get so drunk at the tennis? More often than not

We talk about the name for all of about 18 seconds And then go Oh yeah, one time I saw an episode of Scooby-Doo Where this happened Yeah, yeah, yeah Exactly, exactly But so they say that They'll

You know I think that's very weird that They think something's going to come From the outcome of having your name read out. Like, are they in witness relocation? Who knows? And then it's like, the name gets read out and it's like, fuck, that guy's still alive. Let's track him down via Patreon.

Yep. But B, the other thing is when they leave a note that says, oh, don't read out my name. By the way, I never look at that note. That note is immediately discarded. Like it's the... You can sort of leave that... So you've... Wait, what?

You've ignored that request of several people? That's been a request of people, but that doesn't... The way things work, especially with the unplanned title alternator... Yes. That doesn't come up when the name comes up. That doesn't come up. I see what you're saying. So the unplanned

title alternator doesn't have the capacity in it to take... The unplanned title alternator can read two words at a time

someone's name. So a sentence that says please don't read this out it can't it can't factor what's going on. It's an unplanned title alternator

it's not a planned footnote includer. Request. Yeah. Request reader. You know, look, we've tried to keep the cost down for a couple of years on the unplanned title alternator. We haven't upgraded it for years.

Well, that's, I mean, that's a... That's one of the new functions, sure. That's an in-app purchase that we don't want to get flopped over. Exactly. We already pay $2,000 a week for this version. Exactly. And to include any sort of footnotes, that's another $1,500 a week.

It's pointless. It's pointless. Just suck it up. And look, sorry to anyone that's ended up with their name read out as a result of that, but it's not our fault. Yeah. It's absolutely not our fault.

Yeah, totally. Look, if you want to chip in, if you want to subscribe and say, please don't read my name out and subscribe the $1,500 that the in-app purchase will cost us, then by all means, happy to respect your wishes and not read the name out. Absolutely. But unless you're doing that, our hand's tied. Yep.

Thanks, A. Thanks, Miss. Thanks, A. Thanks, Miss or Mrs. or Ms. Kershaw. Or Mr. Do they still do that? You said Miss or Mrs. or Ms. I'm so fucking tired.

Mr. Do they still do that? I'm so tired. I'm interested in what's going to happen. What happens if you're really tired at a haircut? Can you fall asleep during a haircut? Right. Well, what?

You're thinking like the hairdresser just starts cutting your hair and they're like, just say when. Yeah, yeah. And then you fall asleep and you wake up and you're completely bald. You're at the end of the stop. You're just cutting into your hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blood just pouring out of your skull.

It's like that Robbie Williams rock DJ video. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're just a skull on a skull. It's like that Robbie Williams rock DJ video. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're just a skull on a body and she's like, I mean, I hope he says something soon. There's really not that much left. I don't know how I'm going to cut into skull. Yeah. Well, anyway.

Well, anyway. We'd better, we'll just do one more. Yeah, yeah. I'm losing my facilities, my faculties. Yeah, so sorry if we, sorry to anyone that we've read out the name of that I shouldn't have, that you've banned me from saying. So unfortunately, that information has gone by the wayside. So I apologize to anyone that I've done that to.

Anyway, fifth and final one this week. Thank you to Patreon subscriber, Muhammad's Face Comedy. Thanks, Muhammad's Face. Sounds like the kind of person that would be requesting to not be read out or do you think it might be other people that wouldn't want you to read it out? Oh, I didn't make the link.

Oh, maybe, yeah. I mean, are we allowed to read out someone's... You're banned from drawing Muhammad's face. Are you banned from describing what it looks like? Ring, ring, ring, ring. Hello, this is the hairdresser. Carl, you've got to get down here right now. Otherwise, we're going to fine you $500.

Wow. I'd love to go into that a little bit more, whatever you were just talking about. I can't believe hairdresser comedy just rang up. Edward Comedy hands. All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening. Head to littledumbdumbclub.com for the ticket links, our solo shows,

the upcoming live podcasts. Get in on all the fun of Patreon. Chip in a little money. We very much appreciate it. Thank you to everyone that subscribes. And we'll see you next week. See you, mate.