The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 486 - Tommy Little & Mike Goldstein

Episode Date: January 28, 2020

This week TOMMY LITTLE and MIKE GOLDSTEIN join us, alongside Tommy's rapidly dying indoor plants. We chat about Little's completely above board trip to Colombia and Dassalo's abuse of the bullet train BUT the main event is a sprawling, epic new chapter in the 'Chandler's Phone Number' saga!ADELAIDE! We're back. Sort of. Doing our solo shows back-to-back. March 14, 2pm.BRISBANE! A huge live podcast and our solo shows. March 15, 1.30pm.MELBOURNE! Our 500th episode is on sale. It's going to be massive. April 25, 2020. 8:30pm.We've also got two smaller shows on in the lead up. April 4 & 11. 4pm. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dum Dum Club, a brand new episode with guests Tommy Little and Mike Goldstein. We have a bunch of shows on sale around the place. A lot of them sold out. We have three Melbourne shows, including our huge 500th episode, which is rapidly selling in a huge theatre. April 4, April 11, and then the 500th is April the 25th, Tommy. Yeah, head to littledumdumclub.com for tickets to that. We will chat more to you at the end of the episode in Talking Dumb Dumb, but until then, enjoy this new episode with Tommy Little and Mike Goldstein. Hey, mates.

Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo, and with me is always the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day to you, kid. We got two hot hunks on the show today. Guys, you know them, you love them. And a couple of guests. Yeah.

There you go. Oh, we're on. Comedy. God, it feels good to be back. Tommy Little and Mike Goldstein. Welcome back, boys. Good to be back. Gabriel and Alice is back in the studio and Mike Goldstein. Welcome back, boys. Well, well, well. Gabriel Analysis back in the studio. This is good.

Yes. That's your non-deplume. Yes, exactly. Though I did a gig recently and they projected my name behind me. We're bragging already. I know. It said Mark Goldstein. Mark Goldstein. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's boring compared to Gabriel analysis.

Of course. It should be a rule in comedy where at a certain point, if you're like say five years in and you're still not kind of like good and known enough for your name to be spelled correctly 100% of the time on lineups, you're out. You get kicked out. So I'm out. You're out.

Under that rule, you're out. Sorry. That's how I found out. All right. And well, well, well, hasn't podcasting been good to you, Mr. Dassler? I mean, you're in new digs. You're in my house. This is the first time you've been to my house.

To the new joint. To the new joint. I knew this was coming because you walked in and you were very silent. I thought, someone's keeping their observations for on the air. Well, I was a bit overwhelmed by the smell of cum, to be fair. It's the old... It's the masturbatorium is the official title, please. It's the what?

The masturbatorium? The masturbatorium. Masturbatorium. Masturbatorium. You don't masturbate in your room. Why would he? No. Why would he?

It's been so long. No need. I have people. Can't get access Can't get access to it Oh god I think I'd be touching my own dick He's repulsed

That's the difference between podcasting and FM Oh god You've got the UK set up The old The laundry in the kitchen Yep Which is good Oh the UK set up. I've never heard

described as that before. Everyone over in London, it's got... Oh, right. Someone travels. We get it. You don't jerk off and you don't live in Australia. This is not the first shithole I've been to. And I noticed you really dressed up. You've got the lesbian specials on the feet.

Yes, that's true. Wow, the wardrobe's getting a hiding as well. Oh, mate, how long have we got? Wow. Little's in overdrive. These are good. Are these real? Real plants?

Those are real plants, yep. Mate, I'm impressed. The fiddle leaf in the corner has seen better days. The fiddle leaf? Yeah. The what? The fiddle leaf. That's a real plant.

Look at it. All the fucking dead brown leaves. Everybody reckons they're unkillable. I got given five when I moved into my place from different friends going, that's what you get, someone, when they move in the house. Right. Dead within weeks. Really?

All five of them? Yes, because I got told, don't put it on. I kept going back to the garden place near me saying, how do I keep it alive? The garden place? What are they called? Nursery. Nursery.

I told you, i've got people and and for some reason the people wouldn't do the trip to the garden place but the leaves were going brown and they said don't put them in direct sunlight so then i was each day i was moving them from one end of the house to the other end of the house to try and avoid direct sunlight and then i thought they all died and my friend said what I was doing. And I was like, the thing they hate most is being moved around. Ah, right. So each day I was running them from one end of the house.

So I reckon you're doing pretty good. So your plants were getting car sick. Yeah. How the fuck does that work? Plants know when they're being moved. I don't know. I don't know. Clearly, I killed them all.

When I got that, the worst thing to hear, which someone said, you know, one of the worst things you can do for plants is water them too much. Most plants die from too much watering. And it's like, don't tell me that. Because then in your head you just go, cool, once a year, that'll do me. Don't need to stress about this.

Like I want to be told, no, no, you need to do it every day. So then I'm stressing about it. And clearly, look what's happened to the poor guy. It's tilting. Yeah, it's leaning over to one side. It's trying to kill it. It's trying to get out is what it's trying to do it's heading towards the door it is it's seen it's seen some shit really that couch is right there it's making like your ex-girlfriend

barking you know sometimes dogs look like their owners? Right. That's kind of like the plant. It's just fucking munted and wilting on its side. Wilting bad posture. Yeah. Yeah.

The dead leaves that are slowly decaying is a metaphor for the rapidly receding headline. We've been watering you too much. You've been moving around too much. I've been moving around. Yeah, I've got to stay more stationary, man. Just not go out. Not leave the house. That's the life. What about, speaking of travelling, what about you, Tommy Little? You've just come back from Columbia.

Yes. From Columbia. Just absolutely dispelling the party boy cliche. No, I just went there for some down time down as time head down

on the mirror I went there for two weeks which is one night it was

good beautiful place people are great I don't remember much of the

trip love coffee big Java hound. I got woken up on the plane by my mate and he goes, what the fuck are you doing? On the way back. I was, yeah, and I was asleep. And I was like, what?

And he goes, what are you doing? And I looked down and I was naked. What? Yeah. I was under a blanket. Right. But I must have got hot and forgotten I was on a plane. Right, right. And so I got naked. So then I'm holding, you know, because the blankets aren't big enough to fully cover a body.

So my whole chest is sticking out. So then I've had to try and sneak my clothes back on under the blanket. This sounds like a made-up alibi for an upcoming court case. None of this makes sense. I never went to Columbia. You got me. I accidentally got naked on a plane. What is this story?

It was the first time. You know when there's like still knock stories and stuff? Oh, right. And like there's people walking around hotel rooms or whatever. And I've always been like, that's bullshit. But this was sleepers that I got over there and it's the first time I've gone, yeah, I have no memory of getting nude.

Really? You weren't trying to join the Mile High Club by yourself? Yeah, what's that? The half mile? What is that? I wanked on a plane. You wanked on a plane. Yeah, that's impressive though.

Is that what they call it? The half mile? No, I don't know. It should be something. Yeah, I think it's called being a man. Yeah, right, right. Yeah, being cool. Yeah, being cool.

You in the Qantas club? No, but I'm cool. What does that mean? I wanked in a bus. I tried to wank on the bullet train last time I was in Japan. Yeah, I had a go. I couldn't get it done. You tried to wank on the what?

You know why you couldn't get it done? It's because I went to the toilet on the bullet train in Japan and there was just like a shield. There was no sit-down space. It was just standing up against the piss wall thing. So they have walked past and they can see the back of you when you walk past. Yeah, that's what got me erect in the first place.

Sorry, I'm an idiot. I should have known when I walked past the screen and saw one man facing out. Hang on, so there's no seats in you were trying to do? No, no, no. I was in a cubicle. I was in the cubicle door locked. There was no...

The guy's one wasn't a cubicle. Oh, really? You couldn't... You'd have to dump in a urinal if you wanted to shit. Yeah, no, because I'd been travelling with friends and we'd been staying in these pretty small Airbnbs, close quarters. It's like two weeks in.

Because you wanted it to feel like home. Yes. I wanted it to feel cramped. Those Japanese apartments, too roomy otherwise. Too roomy for me. Can you squeeze a jizzy couch in here? Because I'm a bit homesick. Can you make this capsule smaller?

Yeah. This plant, can you kill it? But yeah, so we're on the bullet train and I'm like just ready to explode. I'm like this is the first chance I've had in like two weeks. That is the name of your festival. Ready to explode. So, yeah, I went in there and I had the door locked.

And then I just got to in my own head. First of all, I was like this is like a modern – the bullet train is like a modern technological marvel and this is how I'm using it. But that's what you do with any new technology. Come on it. Oh, I can chat to anyone in the world. Oh, get my dick out.

The first person who gets on a train is like, oh, can't wait to wank on this. Something very, very fast to wank on. Those fridges with the internet in them, can't wait to store my cold cum in this. Fuck yeah Just the first person who gets on a car Oh I'm so sick of wanking on a bike

This is going to be awesome Anything after this will feel like I'm wanking in slow motion That must be a website for cataloguing new technology And like how quickly someone has used it For the purposes of coming I think this is kind of a thing I think a lot of new technology is How it's taken up by the porn industry. Yeah, of course.

It's like a syndicate of how it's going to go. Well, the self-driving Uber surely is just going to be a goddamn rolling come then. Oh, yeah. True. Tinted windows. Tinted windows. No one else in there.

Yeah. Your rating would probably go down. Or up, depending on how you do it. Yeah, exactly. Getting me too'd by a robot car I don't know what are you would you get a self-driving Uber

would you catch one yeah why not I don't know I mean it would it's the end for me the only reason I ever sober up

is to if I've got to drive somewhere so as soon as there's self-driving cars there's no reason to be sober that's one of the most brutal things I've ever heard to drive somewhere. So as soon as they're self-driving cars, there's no reason to be sober. That's one of the most brutal things I've ever heard. This is an AA interview. Usually you guys laugh.

What happened? Why are you phoning my parents? What's going on? Hey, Japan. Yeah. So I went to Japan and I got the currency conversion wrong and for two days oh no i thought not only because japan's awesome right but i also thought it's so cheap i can't believe japan is so awesome and so cheap and then on the second night that i was there i was trying to tip people as well and they weren't taking tips because everybody's so lovely and then i was out at a bar

and this the waiter had been with us all night he was awesome and i tipped him and then the person i was with is like what are you doing he took her and he goes what are you doing i was like what he goes why are you being such an arsehole i said what do you mean i just he'd been so great all night she goes yeah but that was so much i said said, it was $10. And she starts laughing and goes, do you think that note is $10? And I said, yeah. She goes, that's $140. And I was like, what? Japan is so fucking expensive.

Well, you made it expensive. I thought I'd been catching cabs around and they were $10. They were like $100 cabs. It's the most expensive place I've ever been. Yeah, it's more or less like, I think, what is it, ten of ours, ten dollars roughly is like a hundred yen. I don't know, bro. But it lines up in a way where it's like all you're doing is like

chopping off a zero or two zeros. So you can quite easily get it. Yeah. Well, we went to this ninja restaurant and I thought it was fun, kitsch and a bit weird. And I thought it was like 40 bucks for dinner. For a second, I thought that's just what you call every restaurant in Japan. Oh, my God.

Ninjas everywhere. Don't kill me. They're so sneaky. Here's 140 bucks. Fuck off. You guys are great So what Yeah you're paying

Like what 400 dollars For a meal at the Yeah cause And like cause You're putting it on card And stuff Yeah

Like you just Do it And it would only be Two days So I hadn't been Checking my Account or anything And that ninja restaurant

Was like 600 bucks Or something Fucking hell It was fucked What's a ninja restaurant It's a restaurant With ninjas But what do you What's a ninja restaurant? It's a restaurant with ninjas. But what do you eat in a ninja restaurant?

Ninja food. Is the food themed? Ninja food. They sneak up on you. Man, it's great. And it's a real mix of like... Is it just all off food? Like technically it can kill you just like ninjas.

It sneaks up on you. So it's just expired meat. But in a couple of days. Just when you think you're safe. That's not a couple of days. Your guts explode. Wow, that did come out of days. Just when you think you're safe. Let's not couple me. Your guts explode. Wow, that did come out of nowhere. So you walk in and there's a guy standing there and he goes,

oh, would you like to dine at the ninja restaurant? And you go, yeah. And then a ninja bursts through the wall and goes, and then calms right down and goes, this way. Is this actually happening? Yeah. That actually happened? Yeah.

Fuck. This sounds like someone's uncle at a barbecue describing Japan and describing Japan, and he's never been, you know? Nah. Yeah, I bet there's this fucking, ninja comes out and he's like, have dinner. Nah, it's awesome. And then they take you to a little room, and, like, they're all dressed as ninjas and stuff,

and he was our waiter, and then halfway through he goes, excuse me, I have to finish my shift. He's doing the voice. Don't do the voice. I was going just enough in that it's not in. A little hit, we get it. In a court, they'd be like, we're not sure. He goes, excuse me, I have to finish my shift.

Another ninja will look after you. And then just this other ninja walks in and he's like, hi. Not committing enough. But like, has a mask on, so you wouldn't know the difference anyway. One was a very much heftier set ninja. Fat ninja. The B Reserve ninja.

The finja. Classic finja. Yeah, they get you in with the svelte one. Yeah. So you want in a ninja restaurant, you want the food to be not brought out to the table like presented. You want it kind of like snuck in there, you know? The waiter appears behind you.

You want to turn around, talk to your friend, turn back. Fuck, there's a feast on the table. Exactly. Not even on the table. You're talking and then your mouth's full. Right, right, right. Jeez. All of a sudden you...

That sounds like assault a little bit though. Yeah. So you've out-ninjured them. You've snuck in a fucking very hefty tip without them. Oh, yeah. No, they didn't take my tip. They didn't take it. No, they didn't take my tip. They didn't take it.

No, they didn't take my tip. And I worked out why now after this dude took it because I was trying to tip, like I was getting like a coffee and I was trying to tip them an amount that would be like, yeah. Yeah. And they were like, what's this? Yeah, does this guy want a handjob or something?

Yeah, yeah, right, right, right. Oh, yeah. What's this smiling Westerner? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But hey, better that than the other way. If that was me, the story would be like, fuck, I was accidentally tipping 30 cents everywhere I went, you know, and making a big – thinking I'm giving like 100.

Like, yeah, yeah, take yourself out trying to get a handjob like 30 cents. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is there a little extra for me at this ninja restaurant? Man, it was so – And then when you walk out There was a room They take you through this little room And it must have just had Projectors in it

Because they open the door And it's all on fire And he goes Get back And then he goes And then all the flames Turn to smoke And then you walk through

Nice Japanese must get so disappointed When they come to our theatre restaurants. Oh, big time. They're at Witches and Bridges. Yeah, Dirty Dicks. Witches and Bridges got done for Moonshine, didn't they? That's right.

They're making their own. Really? Yeah, but anything's like good. They're stirred up in a big pot, though. In a cauldron? Yeah, cauldron. What's the one they have at the moment at the, yeah, popular, inverted commas, popular theatre restaurant in Melbourne?

What is it? Crazy Rich Witches. Oh, that's... Is that at Witches and Riches? No, but that's Witches and Riches. They do a show. Yeah, yeah. Every year they do...

A take off of something, yeah. Like the Titanic, they call it the Witchtanic or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like so clunky. Yeah. So that's the new one. It should have been Crazy Rich Witches. It's so clunky.

It should be Crazy Witch Asia. Yes. Exactly. Shall we new word. Crazy rich witches. It's so clunky. It should be crazy witch Asians. Yes. Shall we? Yes. How the fuck that? Even witchy rich Asians. Yeah. They've just taken absolutely the wrong word.

We can't have Asians in there. Although, nah, I'm back on it. What is it? Crazy rich witches? Crazy rich witches. No, it's pretty funny. Just a witch wearing just like grills and chains. I'm in.

Yeah, I don't know. Gold Grubstick. Yeah. Do they adapt the actual... Do they have a witch version of Ronnie Chang in this show? No, but they don't because Asians has been taken out of their title. So it's Crazy Rich Witches. Yeah, but if they're doing like a parody of the movie,

if they were going to do that And they kept the characters You would still have A little witchy version Of Ronnie Chang in there Somewhere I can't imagine Their show actually changes I imagine the title changes

The title changes And the show stays the same I reckon Crazy Rich Witches Is much like Witchtanic Yeah yeah yeah right Except no one Drowns at the end They're just drowning

In jewellery at the end instead Yeah yeah yeah Change a few of the props I wonder if they did Schindler's Witch. I'd watch the shit out of that. Goldstein's silent for a bit. Exactly. Yeah, I got there.

I was thinking 12 years of witch. How can I make this about me? 12 years of witch. Goldstein's been sitting there for five minutes. How can I make this about me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There we go. I found it. So you think they're keeping the... So they're like us getting ready for Comedy Festival. Like can I make this about me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So there we go. I found it.

So you think they're keeping the... So they're like us getting ready for Comedy Festival. Like, I can't come up with a new show every year. You know what? I'm going to sneak some... We'll sneak some old gear in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll sneak some of our old hunchback material in there.

Yeah, yeah. No one will know. The best... The only movie that came to my head was A Long Witch Good Night. Oh, yeah. A Long Kiss Good Night. I don't even know why. It's because of this kiss

Yeah it's close Witch Bitch Don't read your diary mate Focus on the podcast Witch I don't know Witch bitch done this

Alright what about this So this has been a long-running thing on this show, which is, and you guys probably both vaguely know about this, maybe about a year or two into this podcast, I did a little thing that I thought was going to be amusing for like five seconds. I put a few posters around town, literally put six to eight posters around town that said,

hey, everyone, I need some hints as to what I can talk about on my podcast. If you have any ideas, please call or text me, Tommy0408, whatever the fuck his number is. And I never said anything to Tommy about it. Can't believe you don't know my number off by heart, Carl. I never said anything to Tommy about it and then just waited. And then a couple of weeks later, Tommy comes on the show and goes, I've had this weird

week where I've had people ring me up going, maybe you should talk about gardening on the podcast. And he's like, what's all this about? And I'm like, I put some posters up. And then he went, ah, fuck you. Your number is 0438. Anyway, very quick thing. All of a sudden, my number's out there.

Who gives a fuck? This show won't last two weeks. Cut to eight years later. My number's still out there. We've had a lot of fun over the years. Oh, is this you calling an end to it? No, no, no. This is a new level.

This is just the set up of like, and like I never in my wildest dreams would have imagined that I was playing such a long game. Yes. You know, if you could go back in time and talk to yourself, that's one of the, I think I'd give myself the heads up, like just get ready because what you're doing right now is going to be pretty sweet for a period.

So if you went back in time, you wouldn't stop yourself, you'd just pat yourself on the back. Pat myself on the back, yeah, good one, little fella. High five. But then, of course, I'd see how bald and fucked I am now and I'd kill myself so then I'd fade into non-existence. You'd go back and give Hitler candy as a kid. Fucking hell.

Sure, why not? So, you know, highlights have included... I mean, my favourite thing over the years has been someone... I don't think I've ever zogged this, Tommy, little, but someone went back... Not went back. Someone changed the number of Guzman and gomez in

south yarra to my phone number so for a month what do you mean how to how on google google how do you that's so funny how do you do that i don't on google you can change oh man that's so great i was getting so many complaints about cold burritos and stuff like that because also this is the thing that the kind of the um dilemma that you're frequently caught in where you'll tell me about something off air that someone's done with your number and it's very funny and I'm like, you've got to talk about that on the show but quite often you're hesitant to because you don't want to inspire any copycat crimes. It's an ad. It's an ad for, oh, this thing's still kicking around.

You can fuck with me if you want. And you'll get notoriety by being talked about on the pod. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But really, it's sort of calmed down at the moment. Generally, what happens is it's generally just used my number as a bit of like internet Siri.

Like people just hit me up and go, where's good in Thailand to go? Oh, fuck. Okay. You're Bongo. What? Bongo?

I remember Bongo. Do you remember Bongo? Bongo was this old like text line that was like a... The rumour that I... Because I went to a public school. The rumour that was going around my school was this was a bunch of private school boys that sat like a The rumour that I, because I went to a public school, the rumour that was going around my school was this was a bunch

of private school boys that sat in a room on the internet and whatever you text them, they would look it up and text you back for the small price of $17.95. 2003, 2004 or so, yeah, it was just like a text line and you would go Ask Bongo, so you could be like

Yeah, it was like pre everyone having smartphones and he would go... Ask Bongo. Ask Bongo. So you could be like... Yeah, it was pre-everyone having smartphones and immediate access to Google. Yeah, and then they... This feels like people hitting me up. People that don't have Wi-Fi for two seconds are just fucking hitting me up. Chando. Ask Chando.

Ask Chando. Which is just like Bongo, but it says cunt at the end of your answer. It berates you for not knowing. February, dickhead. The answer to everything is get fucked. So anyway, this is... And exactly like you said,

I'm always torn as to put this on the show or not, but anyway, I just think this has been going on for a little bit. This is the new level. So this is what's happened lately. I've been getting a few texts that have been like, hi, how are you going? What are you wearing? And I'm like, okay, all right.

This is a bit weird. It's weird for you that you get a text that's just, hi, how are you? You're like, what's this? But it's been more like, what are you wearing or what are you doing right now sort of thing. And it's like, you get one of them and you go, oh, this is a bit weird. But then i've gotten a bunch of those okay okay well

all from the same no different numbers okay um so uh uh getting a bunch of those sort of texts right and i'm going what's this about anyway then i get this random call from a number i don't know and it's this guy going uh hi who's this and i'm like well i'm not answering that i'm like well what are you ringing me for and the guy goes i just i just want to confirm with you if you're happy about this your your number is written here on a toilet wall on a at a truck stop and it says you're looking for a good time now are you are you looking for a good time like i just want to confirm if this is like an accurate message that's been left on the wall. And I'm like, fucking hell.

Like, no, I'm not. That number's been put out there without my opinion. Well, you are. Yeah, not in that context. Aren't we all? You just don't want to be railed by a random in a truck stop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly, exactly.

Yeah, you want fun. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, in general. Yeah. But not specifically from the people who frequent that establishment. I would love if he actually wasn't, like, suggesting want fun. Yeah, yeah. You know, in general, but not specifically from the people who frequent that establishment. I would love if he actually wasn't, like, suggesting the other... He just owned a theme park and wanted to give you a free... And it hangs up, he's got all these rides.

He goes, well, shut it down, boys. I thought the one man that was up for a good time. Apparently hates fun. Yeah, we're just picking numbers out of the phone book to give a free year of rides to this cunt's like, what the fuck's this? We had an all-inclusive cruise. All we had to do was say he was up for a good time but this guy's like very serious about it like this this guy doesn't seem like a trucker

at all he's like some sort of principal or just fact-checking walls this is his way of framing it so he's not you know setting himself up to be the horny one yeah yeah well that's the other thing yeah so i didn't want to give too much detail. I'm just checking that this is legit. A mate of mine told me there was a message. And this mate of mine has a throbbing erection. He's here right now

if you want to shoot him. But you're right as well, because I'm halfway through the call going, is this guy really just trying to Make sure he's legally fine With whatever he's about to Fucking yell down the phone at me Or whatever So I'm going

It's like yeah if you're a cop You have to tell him Yes If you're not actually horny This is your last opportunity To own up to it If you have a hard dick You have to tell me

Get him boys Don't make me send forensics out. Fluff him and cuff him, boys. Where were you when you got this call, by the way? I was at home. In the truck stop. Yeah, he was there. Wanked your cubicle down.

Finally. Just use the paper cup with the strings, all right? Don't waste a phone call. Carl was slowly coming through the hole in the wall. Just stick your lips up to the hole and talk. Sure. Just don't use the phone. Use the paper cup with the string and then use the paper cup afterwards as well.

Yeah. Wow, the quality of this call is good. It sounds like you're right here with me. I'm all up. So you're there with your – do you have your child with you? No. Okay. No.

Is this a late night call? No, this is an afternoon call. Gross. The morning is time of all, 2pm. The confidence on him. So he's like, yeah, he's really trying to clear himself and whatever. And then, because I'm sort of weirded out. I'm like, where is this going?

Is this even a cop or is this sort of weirded out i'm like where's this going what is this a you know is this even a cop or is this sort of some sting or what what's the what's the purpose of this guy's call and then by the end he's just going mate i just want to know should i be cleaning this off a wall or not and i'm like he's a janitor yeah what maybe he's just a janitor like fact checking everything before he cleans anything off and you're like what are you going to use to clean it off yeah he's a horny janitor yeah yeah so by the end

I'm like yeah yeah yeah just fucking clean it off yes okay clean it off and he's like

okay mate yeah because all graffiti is always fact checked yeah yeah yeah yeah right it can stay yeah yeah

hello Brenda just calling up to find out if you actually are a huge slut yeah yeah need a full inventory of who you've been with in the last six months too many I'm leaving it here Hello, Brenda, just calling up to find out if you actually are a huge slut. Need a full inventory of who you've been with in the last six months.

Just want to know if you are. It's too many, I'm leaving it here. You are actually a man from Nantucket. Is this true, what I've been reading here? Terry, are you a dog cunt? Oh, you are? Okay, I can stay. You sound like a real dog cunt. I'm leaving it up.

We'll put a frame around this one. Heritage list this graffiti. So that call goes down and I go, okay, well, that's good. Or at least those calls will stop. That's what I thought. The calls do not stop. I keep getting them. So this guy that's rang me is like fact-checking.

He hasn't cleaned it. He hasn't cleaned it at all. He's just gone, oh, no, that'll stay. He's gone over it. He's given it a second lay-on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hang on. He's contaminated it. He's given it a second lay-on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hang on. He's contaminated it.

Hang on. At what point did you actually think he was going to clean it? Well, sweet, naive Carl Chandler. Stupid, stupid, cubicle Carl. This guy sounded like a nice, believable man. It's so cute. He sounded like someone's dad. He sounded like he was going to fix my problem. Oh, what a night. Oh, that's so cute. He sounded like someone's dad. He sounded like he was going to fix my problem.

Oh, what a night. Carl, would you clean it? No. But I would have sounded different on the phone. You would not. Why would you clean off your own graffiti? I'm not going to write it and clean it. How can you bring yourself, you idiot?

So I continue to now get the messages right. So just quickly, was there any part of you that thought with that first call, because you've only gotten one, that that wasn't someone who'd read it, that it was a listener trying to do a funny bit? Yeah. Like pretending that you're, you know, like, oh, I know what I'll do. I've heard his number on the podcast. I'll call him up and be like, oh, your number's on a toilet wall.

No, because it just made sense because of the previous text, all these other texts I've been getting that were like, oh, are you up for a good time? Okay, right, right, right. So this is the smoking gun. Yeah, it's like, oh, this now makes sense. Yeah. Yeah.

So I continue to get the messages, but now I'm like, now that I don't know the context, I'm like, all right, now I get to play a little bit with it. God, this is a busy cubicle. So how many people have you rooted? Yeah, exactly. Oh, sorry. Played a bit with it.

Yeah, no. Please, they have names. Now I get to play a little bit. People in the trucking industry, please. Okay, sorry. Give their job title out there. Sorry. Sorry.

And they go for a long time because they're speeded right the fuck up. So now I'm getting texts texts And I've been getting texts A lot of the times When I've been with you Tommy So Without your knowledge When I've been getting messages I've just been like

Well here's I've got some examples here Here's someone that's texted me Going I have a hard cock Looking for a good time At the he toilet On the highway now

The he toilet At the he toilet I the highway now. The he toilet. I was so hoping it was I drive a semi and also have one. I'm looking to deposit a load and drop one off as well. I've got a semi and I'm wanting to move up in the world. I've got a heavy load and I drive a truck.

I have a hard cock looking for a good time at the heat toilet on the highway now. So I'm there with Tommy Daslow getting that message and I've just snuck a little photo of him right there, as you can see, just eating a big bucket full of chips. I just sent that to him and gone, get off on this. No reply. He's out. That doesn't look like a good time at all.

At least say that the chips look yummy. The Big Mac fries at Spleen, they're delicious. They actually do. They're great. It's a bit blurred like there's an action shot. You can believe that you're eating the chips. Oh, I was inhaling them. You took care of his hard neck problem

pretty quick can we write can we write again then because maybe he didn't get it no sure we can do go back I'll just give you

a few more examples send him one of little see if that does anything for him send him one right now send him a photo of little right now see if that does anything

I'll be real I'm not ready to have my feelings hurt like this alright so I'll give you a few more examples I'm not ready to have my feelings hurt like this. All right, so I'll give you a few more examples. So I get another one last week. Hi, I'm looking for a good time. And again, by the way, I love the traditional graffiti.

You think that that's sort of a thing that happens in Mad Magazine or in the movies? Yes. If you're looking for a good time, call this number. Yeah. Who still does that? I can't believe that people take that genuinely. Even if I was in that position, I would just assume every single, if you want a good time, call this number was a prank.

Yes. I would never think someone genuinely going, God, I could go a fuck in about a month's time. Yeah. I'm just going to leave my number on this cubicle wall. Or even more, when they go, they sound hot. You know what I mean? All that penmanship. I can't see this going badly.

That's a sexy number. No photo. Must be too hot for cameras. Yeah, yeah. Can't get anything on Tinder. It's a toilet wall for me. Too hot for Tinder. Old school.

Must have clocked Tinder. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that's the thing. You see ads of like old school advertising mediums are going don't you know oh you're wasting your money on facebook advertising stuff that stuff never works it's like i'm starting to believe it like if this genuinely works you know writing on toilet wall still works it's old school media promoter show yeah tell me where this is i'm going to drive down and put a poster for my comedy festival show down. For a good time. Come to this.

Perfect. You know who's got all the dunnies on lockdown? Elliot Goblet. Oh, yes. Urinals at airports.

Yeah, urinals at airports. The heat toilets. You've got to be careful, Chandler. You're busting in on Goblet's

territory. I thought he was getting comedy shows out of it, but obviously he's getting something else. Good times. That would be great if he's just driving around investigating cubicles to see if anyone's advertising in there, calls the number. You're about to have a very bad time

because I'll see you in court. That's who called you. I'm the bog wall guy. Gobbo called you to fact check to see if it was legit. Call Gobo. Gabo. Gabo. So I get this call.

I get this message. I'm like, I'm going to make this work for us. Hi, I'm looking for a good time. I respond, listen to the little Dumb Dumb Club podcast. It's terrific fun. It's like jacking your little ears off until they come. So, you know, we might have a new listener out of that. That's a good ad.

Redirect them to the Patreon. Yeah, you know, we might have a new listener out of that. That's a good ad. Redirect them to the Patreon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So now, so then the last... Did they write back? No. Well, there's, you know, nearly 500 episodes

to get through. So I guess they're doing that. It's a long time for them to wank and listen. Yeah, yeah. Chandler's just swiping out, striking out on this. Yeah.

No, but, but... The Spoke app. How embarrassing. But... Bogwall.com is not working. No, but. Spoke app. How embarrassing. But. Bogwall.com is not working. Sure, no responses from those, but then I've got this. Now I've got. Oh, you've got one on the line.

The big fish. I made it. We've thrown a few back. Yeah, exactly. Because we're saving ourselves. I've learnt. I've started learning. People learn how Tinder works, what best.

I've basically read the version of the game, but for the toilet wall. And you've been in a relationship for like 15 years, so it's taken you a little while to get back into the groove of trying to pick up. Exactly. The game, but for the toilet wall. The really lame.

The shame. The shame. Have you read The Shame? It's the shitter version of the game. You do a little drawing of yourself doing a magic trick on the dunny door and then you leave it. Right. So I get this one last week.

Hi, how are you? What you up to? That's hot. Yeah. Then I take this picture of Tommy Daslow right there. Great. On the little desk. On the, on the, on the keys.

On the keys of the, the podcast little machinery that we've got. Yeah. Who the fuck's that? Oh, that's with, that's last week with Gareth.

Yeah, that's in a hotel. Yeah. Yeah. Picture of you fixing up the podcast and my response is, hi,

how are you? What you up to? My response, about to fuck this man. Picture of you. Damn. Yeah. And did you guys?

This was last week? Yeah. The good time boys. We did one this morning, not last week. Did one this week. No, not last week. That was a bye round. It was Tommy's time of the month.

I would have thought the weeks where you fuck is more of a bye round. That's very confusing. It's the bi round. You've really got to read it to get the joke. It worked on the text. If I text that to him now, he'll get it. I say that, about to fuck this man.

He goes, nice. Can I join you? Oh, hell yes Oh so Whoa Good pick of you Yeah Oh yeah Dasso

Looking good Yeah dog So the first photo I'm not wearing a hat And I'm inhaling chips Yeah Second photo Hats on

Yep Forearms out I've got tech I've got tech material in front of me So I look like a You know I know what's going on A little bit of muscle in the forearm maybe

Yeah yeah You've got a job obviously Yeah I was looking good that day I was feeling I was feeling myself Can I know what's going on. A little bit of muscle in the forearm, maybe. You've got a job, obviously. Yeah, I was looking good that day. I was feeling myself. Can I have a look? You can't see the face. Maybe that's a big part of it. No, man, you're working.

That's good. You're looking busy. Yeah, can I? Give me a bit of a closer look. It's fine. Yeah, that's smash. Yeah, that's smash. Wood bang.

Wood absolutely hoes out. Would absolutely hose out. Oh, would destroy. Have a little nibble. I can get it. Wouldn't mind a crack at the back of that one. He can absolutely catch a dick, that young man. All right, so. So about to fuck this man.

About to fuck this man. Nice, can I join you? And I'm like, I've got to get. Did you say send pic? All right. So about to fuck this man. About to fuck this man. Nice. Can I join you? And I'm like, I've got to get. Did you say send pic? Oh, no, I didn't. I just said, just to be clear, I just said, just to be clear, you want to fuck this man too.

And he said, why not? Hello. Which I like. Yeah. Why not? Hello. Why not? Hello.

Hello. Why not hello? Why not hello? Why not hello? So he goes, hello. So I go, hi. He says, so what the go with you? And then I leave it for like half an hour. Sexy camera boy. Yeah, I leave for like half an hour.

I did notice you were very distracted before we did that part. I leave for half an hour. He goes, so what the go with you? Another half an hour later. Hey, another half an hour He goes So what the go with you Another half an hour later Hey Another half an hour later Well Had to settle for local

Lol Had to settle for local Yeah He's done a highway Ditch route Yeah Is that what's happened Yeah he's found someone

At the Servo I don't know He's finally emerged From that Yeah Shitter Yeah

An hour later You've just given him Massive blue. He's finally emerged from that shitter an hour later. You've just given him massive blue balls. He's just been there for hours at this point. Some poor trucker going around with throbbing nuts. It's two hours late for his drop-off. That's why the English is so broken because he can barely sing. Oh, the blood flow is gone. He's keeping you up to date, though, you know.

Very much, man. Yeah. I mean, even after he's dropped off his deliveries, shall we say, he's back from Australia. And such an amazing follow-up. Yeah. Because when you think, oh, maybe I won't, you know, hook up and root this strange man.

He's hit him an hour later with, don't worry, I'm bringing out my ace. Hey. That's it. Oh, that doesn't get him. Trying to make you jealous. Well, I had to settle for local lol. Did you enjoy your fuck with green shirt cutie? Oh, hell yes.

That must feel nice. Hell yes. Must feel nice. It was very nice. I'm starting to think, fuck, why didn't I send a picture of myself? That's your handle on Instant Messenger as well. Green shirt cutie. Don't all truckers have handles?

That could be your handle now. Yeah. Love handles. Green shirt cutie. My lucky green shirt. Breaker breaker. Green shirt cutie here. 10-4.

10-4 green shirt cutie. God, I've got to buy a few more of those green shirts. Squatting wolf to green shirt cutie here. 10-4. 10-4, green shirt cutie. God, I've got to buy a few more of those green shirts. Squatting wolf to green shirt cutie. Did you enjoy your fuck with green shirt cutie? I said yes. Great question. I said yes. I'll field this one.

Yes, everything was very Rick. Yep. To use terminology on our podcast. Yep. Can you send him back a photo of you and say, honestly, who's hotter? Green shirt cutie or the black shirt bandit? Yeah.

Well, maybe at the end of the podcast I can take a pic of all of us. Yeah. Text him something now and we'll see if we can get a response before the end of the year. We're all so scared of our feelings being hurt by this. Except for me. I'm like, go on, boys, get in there. Keep it grim. I'm riding high. I, boys, get in there. Keep it grim. I'm riding high.

I'll send a picture of myself. Maybe I'll send a picture of more of them. Totally. Totally. Totally. The idea of you little sending a pic and then him going, riding back and going, he's no green shirt cutie. You'd kill yourself.

Mate, I just can't be hurt by another trucker. Not in that way. Not in that way. Other end of the body I'm fine with. The mind. No, thank you. We'll get through this. I'll text him because he's so quick on the draw. Yeah.

Okay. Send him a... What about maybe send him a photo of... Because if you just do the same thing, about to have sex with this man and see what he writes back. I'll take a photo of you and we can write. I want to see his response. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, all right, all right. No, hang on, hang on. Let's get through the rest of it. Oh, no, Carl wants to take a flattering selfie with portrait mode on. Where'd you get those studio lights? Why are you putting makeup on, mate? Yeah, he's like, I thought this would happen. I brought one in.

Can't we just use a publicity photo? You know, I'm not ready. Oh, black and white glossy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've just got to send it. What's the address of the public shitter on this? Yeah, do you know where this is? No, I don't.

Right. Yeah, I should get onto that. Yeah. All right, I'll find out. We need to take a trip down there. Do a live pod from there. Arrive from Dem Highway Bogs. That's actually sick.

If we do a pod out the front of this dunny, that is so sick. If we did a pod out there and everyone that walked in, you're just sort of like, oh, fuck, and you shut up. And then you just get my phone on speaker and you're just waiting to see if they text straight away as they're in there. No, we organise it at the last minute. So it's like anyone who texts and says, I'm here for a good time,

you'll wait there for an hour, we drive down, we get on the socials, guys, live ep, and then we go down and we interview this person who wanted to fuck you. Yeah, that's good. We ask them about their marriage. Who wanted to fuck you, let's be clear. Yes, yes, yes. You have to wear the green shirt.

Oh, of course, yeah. Oh, the green shirt's going in the podcast museum now. Getting it framed, auctioned off for bushfire relief. The Commonwealth Bank buy it, send it on tour around Australia. If you thought Warnie's baggy green. Jeez, it's a green thing. It is, yeah. It's like the Tour de France.

Instead of the green jacket from now on, the leader of the race. Oh, you get the cutie jersey. It's like the hottest guy in Australia gets to wear the green shirt from now on every day. That's great. I'm just wrapped. I can claim that green shirt on tax now. Fuck yeah. Great.

Great. Did you enjoy your fuck with green shirt cutie? Yes. Everything was very Rick. Rick's a dummy in job we've got. He says, photo me good. Yeah.

Next message. That's what you said to me just before when I went to take a photo. Yeah, yeah. Photo me good. What Rick like then? I think my name's Rick.

Yeah. Then message, then next message, dress up Rick. Winky. Oh, dress up Rick. Dress me up. No more green shirt.

Dress up Rick. So he wants maybe a bit more formal or he wants you to dress up If you dress me up No more green shirt Dress up So a bit more He wants a bit Maybe a bit more formal Or he wants you to dress up As me in the green shirt Oh I thought I was thinking novelty outfits

Yeah I was thinking It's more of an arseless chap Oh okay Kind of request Right See that's what I sort of thought I thought maybe he's into dress up

So I I responded I responded He dressed up as Mario And I dressed up as Luigi. Do you like that? Did you make any plumbing references? No, no, no. About cleaning each other's pipes?

No, no, no, no. Well, I'm in the green, so clearly I'm Luigi. Oh, is that the fucking idiot? I wouldn't know. That's the only thing I've heard wrong in these text messages. And good on you to pick it up. Get a right car, you loser. Well, a bit of support from this guy.

Because you're a fellow colourblind man. I'm colourblind, yes. Ah, interesting. Right, so they're both grey to us. Grey shirt cutie. We had a great... Oh, do you have time? No.

I went for my racing license and car labine test is part of it. I said to them. Hang on. Racing license means car racing license. And I said to them. No further questions.

Are you sure you're not going for your trucker's license? Well, I wasn't before this episode. All you have to do is text this number to get it. It'd be great

if this podcast inspires people to do that. Wow, truck driving sounds awesome. You get the buck green shirt cuties. Yeah, dropping out of law school. And I said to them, I said, I'm colour blind. They said, it's okay.

We'll do it as a group test then. And I said, what? And they said, just don't speak first. And so then they got us all in a group and showed us colours and everyone's like, blue. And I'm like, blue. Just take it off the end and they're like, you're fine. Oh, blue.

Fuck yeah. They're like, what light is this? they're like, you're fine. Oh, good. Fuck yeah. They're like, what light is this? Blue. Okay, sure, pass. You copied off someone on a color blindness test. That's great. No, no, not someone. A group.

A group, yeah. Sorry, multiple someones. Yellow, yellow. You're in an exam and you looked over 19 people's shoulder. Yeah. Copy that. He dressed up as Mario and I dressed up as Luigi. Do you like that?

He said, I like dress up. Rick liked to be girl. Oh. That's what he said. Yeah, that's what he said. I like dress up. Rick liked to be girl. I'm starting to think Rick might be gay.

A little bit. I'm starting to think this guy, there's a caveman truck driver out there. Oh, yeah. I don't be good. guy, there's a caveman truck driver out there. Oh, yeah. I don't... Photo me good. What Rick like then? Dress up Rick. I like dress up.

Rick like to be girl. Fucking hell. I don't... Yeah, I don't reckon that's a truck driver. No. I reckon it's someone that hangs out at public toilets. Right. But if it's a truck driving hangout, they're in the middle of nowhere.

It's not just someone... Yeah, but cars stop. They're not there normally. No, but cars... Okay. It's just... Right. Like nowhere it's not just some yeah but you know it's just like there's no special like you know those just yeah rest areas yeah yeah rest areas yeah right i just presume people will travel for the the toilet right this seems like a destination for this guy exactly because there's so much the high volume i mean if you just picked a random toilet like on the side of the road and put that in there, there'd be no, like you wouldn't get this volume, I don't think. Can I give a little tip for people who would like to have sex in public toilets?

Please. That you want to get away with it. Right. And after that, can you give tips for people who want to have sex and get caught? Yes, absolutely. Well, you just listen to this tip and don't do it. And ignore. So you

get like a green shopping bag. And people just fuck you. You know those reusable canvas bags. What colour are they? Blue? And then you get one person to stand in it

while they fuck the other person. So if you look under, you only see one set of feet. Right. What? So do you get what I mean? Yes. It's a great tip, right? That's amazing.

You're welcome. And once again, if you want to get caught, ignore. Right, right. And you could also use that for other things in a cubicle that involve multiple people. What's that involve multiple people. What's that? Never mind.

Oh. Oh. No, I still don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. Okay, all right. If you want to... It'd work for doing drugs as well. Yeah, I mean, you're real close to the person. Yeah.

I guess you just move the bag further away. Yeah. Sorry. Sorry, guys. You just don't fuck the person as you do in the drug. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you want.

Man, we're lucky I worked that out then because I would have done that for weeks and been right up against my mate. I'm like, chock-a-block up my mate.

No, I learned this on a podcast. And then after three weeks I go, can't we just move the bag for the way? Yeah. Just right up from behind him

smashing his head into the line. Tommy, can we do drugs without doing anal at the same time? No, the podcast said we can't.

Not if we want to use the bag. Do you want to get caught? Idiot. So is there any more to the exchange? That's it. That's it at the moment. Okay,

can we send him a photo now? I've got an outfit in mind. As we've discussed, we're at my house. Just take your shirt off. I'll go get changed and then you get a photo. Oh, yes, please. Okay. You've got an outfit.

Yeah. That's great. Was the last message him or you? I think it's him. I left him. Yeah. I left him keen. So, Dasol has clearly gone into his room.

His furry cabinet. What's the money he comes out naked with? I'm ready! It's better than I could have ever imagined. This is amazing. Tommy is now topless with a... So what he's wearing is a funny fur jacket.

Oh, man. With some fake nipples on it. Some ridiculous prosthetic man titties. It's quite an outfit. It's gorgeous. Any suggestions? Do I need to add anything? Maybe like...

What do you think? Like you got a little secret? Hang on. So you've got a little... Yeah, that's good. You've got a cute little cowboy hat on. A little cowboy hat. A little cowboy hat.

You've got a little secret, which could also be the secret is there's a little bit of cum under there while hiding the secret yeah yeah do you need to maybe do you need to write anything on your chest

ooh I don't know it's too hairy I don't think is that too needy I think I mean we want to get a reply we want to get a reply

before the end of the episode I think hopefully I reckon Goldstein's secret expression face is good yeah maybe a pinky the pinky in the mouth

this might be too maybe this is too much. Yeah. Sucking a finger? Oh, yeah. Sucking a finger. What if I'm, maybe if I'm lying on the couch and you kind of take it. Oh, so you're kind of side. I don't like the microphone because you've got the microphone, you've got your headphones

in at the moment. Yeah. I think that's no good because. You've got to get rid of all that. It looks like a sting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So I'm saying if I go lie down on the couch.

Yeah. What about you? You've got plants there. Maybe that humanises you Plants Yeah, not the dead How about this What if you're sucking a dick

Hear me out Oh, I've got plenty of those photos already I can just send them out Intempate This feels really good by the way guys I might do the podcast Like this permanently For you and me both I'm feeling good

You actually look gorgeous Thanks man You look great Thanks man But I don't reckon We should overdo it I reckon you should Just be there

Because you kind of Lean back casual Lose the mic And the headphones No podcast gear Just me sitting Doing a cute little One of my classic

Cute little looks Demure Let's talk this through Demure Demure head Let's talk this through. Demure. Demure head. Let's talk this through. So at the moment you've got your shirt off, you've got the hat on, so what we're going to do, bright pink, gorgeous glittery hat.

I was going to say pink, but I just want to make sure it was pink. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's all say it at the same time. Hang on, Goldstein, what colour is the hat? Green. Green. So you've got that, so that's the the look so then what we'll get you to do is slowly suck a finger

and then after you do that put a shirt on and we'll take the photo we'll all finish and then we'll take the photo whose finger okay so just like this

I reckon but obviously microphone comes down put the finger in I know it doesn't have a nail but trust me it's a finger okay

wow that's a plump finger you got. Alright, the microphone is down. That's good. That's very good. That's so good. That's your pointer finger. I started snickering and I've got to be playing

a straight back. I don't know. I think you're having fun. You're playing it for a good time. You're playing it so gay, though. As an option, can you try the pinky finger in there? Okay, right. Pinky, pinky, yeah. Yeah, pinky's good.

I just think that's a bit more... Nah, the other one was heaps hotter, bro. Well, we've got options here. That's all we want, options. What about, hang on, hang on. I've got one more. I'll try one more. Please.

One more for safety. To be honest, it looks less sexy and more like you've just finished your mum's cake box. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What a great podcast. People listening to other people take a photo. It's not even better with the visuals. Yeah.

Right, okay. Well, you wear this... Okay, hang on. You wear this same thing for the promo photo for sure. Right? You start to smile a bit. Get serious. You're about to bone someone.

You don't want to laugh and fuck a man. You kind of do, don't you? Oh, I don't know? I don't know. No. I mean, let's all answer whether we are doing this. Blue, green. I enjoyed that a bit too much. You all have to leave now.

All right, all right, now. You photo him so good. Imagine if we'd just done this in the first five minutes of the pod and then I'm just sitting here dressed like this for just like a chat about, oh, my dad did this down the shops the other day. Do you know what I also love? The effort that Chandler has gone up to

to make up this whole story. Never has a man gone to greater lengths to get a Dassault Topless. I cannot believe it. This is entrapment. Exactly how I dreamed it. He's writing messages back to himself. Dress up Rick Good.

Dickheads. His dickheads Rick Good. Dickheads. His dickheads are going to believe this. So what's my text? What's the caption? Do I say I'm back with Green Shirt Cutie without green shirt? Yeah. Or use his kind of syntax. Go, I photo Rick Good.

Yeah, I photo Rick Good's great. I've already be taking the piss What about What about a little bit like I back with Rick That's believable I back with Rick Back with

Back with Rick We missed you What about Because you want to invite him in Because that was the thing last time That he wanted to You know he wanted to join you What about sorry

What about I back with Rick sorry Nah no apologies No apologies What about bang time baby Question mark Yeah Bang time What about Just maybe Just keep it simple Want to join us Yeah sorry no apologies what about bang time baby question mark yeah bang time

what about just maybe keep it simple want to join us yeah but I like the idea of putting the green shirt back in there

because maybe I can go back with Rick you like green shirt better why have you decided that all of a sudden you have to talk like I like it

why are you assimilating his language what about I like it I'm actually it's like living in a country and all of a sudden you start to take the twang. You know what it's like?

Excuse me, took tookie, please. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. What about, have you seen Rick Greenshirt? He lost. Yeah. That's good. What about just bang time for bongo? Bongo boy.

Which one? We got to settle on one I'm back with Rick You like him better with green shirt or without? What about DTF fuckboy? Question mark Green shirt or pink hat? Question mark You like

You like green shirt Or without? Yeah Yeah Okay Great Green And can we also Fuck you U also upload the photo to homeboys.org

and see how many hits it gets? What is homeboys.org? Assume it's a website. Just look a punt. Could be anything. It's turning up on my homepage, whatever. You know at the back of like porn magazines, there was always homegirls where they send you their own photos

and you submit it and people comment? Oh, yeah, yeah. You were saying I look good before. All of a sudden now I'm in the back of the magazine. No, because that's the send-in bit. It wasn't the not because it's, yeah, from home. Yeah, but some of the people. It hasn't been.

I was alluding to that it wasn't a professional shoot that we've done for you. Right. So that's out. It's a little bit backlit. Like it's not, you know, if I wasn't holding a microphone, if we had our time again, I would have taken, I would have picked a better bit of the room. You've got your lights with you but you didn't have time to set them up.

Can I have a look at the photo? Yes, absolutely. Also, God, it's getting a bit warm in here, don't you think? I'm starting to have pants on. Oh, my God. You can see my guitars in the background so I really do look like. Come on, give us a look at the background. Oh, yeah, his guitars are sexy.

Yeah, you look like a white little Nas X. Yeah. Little Tom X. Going down old cunt road. That was Witches and Bridges style. I'm going to suck a dick in this public, Donnie. Billy Gay Cyrus. Also, the kind of opaque screen that you have separating your bedroom

looks like a bit of a bathroom screen door. Yes. So it looks like they're like, wow, he's the king of the shitters. Look how big his bum is. Oh, right. And you're very rock because you've got the cowboy hat on and you can clearly see there's two guitars behind you. Look how big his bob is. Oh, right. Okay. And you're very rock because you've got that cowboy hat on and you can clearly see there's two guitars behind you.

Yeah. Yeah. Fucking hell. Hell yeah. This is a real new look for me. So now we just need to- I can't believe this guy's taking- This has now been three minutes.

Yeah, because he's got a wank. He's got a wank, smoke a cigarette, then respond. When you were texting him last time, what was the timeline? It was pretty immediate? Immediate. And not only that, he's wanting it. He's like hitting me up. I actually edited it out a few of the times where he's just like,

hi, hello, hello, hello. God, men only think about one thing and it's absolutely disgusting. Isn't it? Communication. I felt disgusted at being objectified by your body. God, this is killing me. Oh, dude, it's killing all of us. I think we're talking about different things, though.

Oh, man. The plant has gotten closer to the door since you took the shirt off. God, I hope one of my neighbours walks past, because we've got the blind up out of the walkway to outside. This would just be perfect. They've seen a lot of weird shit go down in here, like us frequently podcasting with a lot of guests in here, but this would really take it to the next level.

Fuck. I'm just really looking forward. You know, at the end of every podcast, we take a picture of all four of us. I'm really looking forward to the picture of us. Still this. Oh, you reckon? No, I reckon we've got to keep this as a surprise.

Really? Do we? I don't know. Well, maybe we do two versions. Yeah, okay. Once everyone's watched it, listened to it, we can put that one out. Yeah, okay. All right.

I actually can't concentrate on anything else but waiting for the message. Me either. Me either. I'm like, oh, I've filled some time with an anecdote. I can't think of anything. So yesterday I jumped Dame Mellie Melba's fence. Oh, how is she? Well, I want to apologize to the hundred people.

I was pissed. Oh, I know because you rang me and went, oh. Did I? Do you not remember this? No. Well, you rang me and you said, oh, we're doing the podcast tomorrow. It's actually going to be really good. I'm looking forward to it.

We haven't done one for a while. I'm actually really looking forward to it. And I promise you it'll be especially good tomorrow because like a bunch of comedians in Melbourne at the moment, I'm doing a dry January. I'm not drinking anymore. And I'm like, oh, cool. And then you go, I said, is that true?

And you go, absolutely not. I'm fucking off. And then you go, I said, is that true? And you go, absolutely not. I'm fucking awful at it. Well, yeah, I want to apologize to the hundred people that I made the joke of next to Dame Nellie Melba's house. Oh, so you remember Dame Nellie Melba, but not me. Real nice.

And, yeah, I said, I kept making Dame Edna Everidge References And everyone kept going Oh that's Barry Humphries right No no no that's Dame Edna Everidge And I go oh And I did it to so many Sorry to all of them

But I jumped the fence and went and took photos Inside But now I've ended up like you always do. Why were you at Dame Nellie Melba's house? Because it's next to like a winery.

Right. That we went to lunch at. Right. And then, yeah, it seemed like the smart idea too. I said I've got to do

two things today. I've got to climb Dame Nellie Melba's fence and go into the place and I've got to call Chandler. I only want to remember one of these things. You at the end of the day went, oh, I didn't get my whole to-do list done. But now, fuck, good news, Tommy.

I nailed it. You did it. What else I did? I had a fantastic day. Did you happen to text someone from a domain? Oh, update. Oh, wow. What a perfectly timed bit of filler.

I was like, I had the notes up. I'm like, all right, I've got one ready to go. That's how you showbiz, update. Oh, update. What a perfectly timed bit of filler. I was like, add the notes up. I'm like, all right, I've got one ready to go. That's how you show business, boys. It's like on Triple J when they're just talking right up until the news kicks in. Boo, boo. Did you see me get the update just then? Oh, no. Oh, yeah, I got the update right then.

So, I'm back with Rick. You like green shirt or without? Without. Pasty torso cutie. Cream cutie. What are we sending back? Get your pants off. There's only one place to go, isn't there?

To this guy's house. To the McDonald's in Melton or wherever the fuck this thing's going to be. Yeah. Right, let's find out. Right, where are you? Oh, shit. Do I write where's the truck stop or do I just write where are you? Yeah, let's find out where he is.

So, no, send pic. Send pic? Where are you, send pic? You need to see what this guy looks. I mean, come on, guys. Yes. Yes. I've got standards.

I want to know what I'm working with here. I agree with this as long as we promise not to post his pic here. Of course. Otherwise, this turns into a I know what you did last summer type situation where he hunts us all down. Unless the pic's really good and then we can put it up. Yeah. Is that the?

No, we won't post it. Oh, my God. You know what's going to happen? It'll be where you send pic and he's going to send a picture of the four of us in here doing a podcast. Oh, my God. He's in the house. We start trying to hit each other to get out.

We're going to suck our way out of here. All the folks. to get out first. We've got to suck our way out of here. All the blood. He starts stabbing us. All the blood's pissing out of us. And me and Tommy Little are like, this is blood, right?

What colour is this? Everyone on the count of three. Is this Powerade? It could be Powerade. Just come. I know who you fucked last summer. All right, so I'm putting where you send pic Is that what I'm doing?

Yeah do that What if the pic comes back and it's just It's my dad Well then we Then we Pack up the equipment Because podcasting is never going to get any better Yeah yeah yeah

True Because I'm doing this thinking Where's this the pic? You don't want to You don't want to keep pushing It's making me tense Yeah yeah I'm sweating.

I'm also severely hungover and sweaty. Right, right. We're sweating and we've got our shirts on. Yeah, I'm the

perfect temperature. Yeah. You're the perfect temperature for this situation, for this tense situation. We're actually well dressed for what's

happening right now. I'm about to get naked on this plane because it's so hot That happened to my dad Recently with the Stillnox thing, the passing out My dad went in to get an MRI

Scan and he was really stressed about it And so the doctor was like, you can take some Valium Which he'd never taken before And they gave him I get a call from my mum going Hey, can you go pick your dad up from the hospital because he's taken too much Valium before this procedure. And they found him in the hospital just fucked, just passing out,

didn't know where he was, didn't know who – and my mum was like on the other side of town. So then the next day I go in with dad to get the results of the MRI and he's like telling the doctor, he's like, he gave me too much Valium and they just found me like wandering around and the doctor's like, oh, yeah, okay, well, that happens sometimes. Anyway, the results of the MRI are this. It's all fine.

Right. And dad's like, no, I didn't end up having the scan. I didn't end up going to the scan. And the doctor's like, you did. And he's like, no, you forgot to give me the scan. And the doctor's like, remember you were telling me a minute ago that you don't remember being passed out in the hospital? The scan happened right after that.

So it stands to reason that you just don't remember the scan. Wow. And dad's like, nah, you're wrong. Just fighting with this guy. That actually makes a lot of sense. I got a lot of topless pics of your dad on my phone that he sent me a couple of weeks back from an airport. Yeah.

Just in front of a Jet star flight it was really weird i feel like i've never i think my dad's had more valium episodes than me that's i've never done it but it sounds from these reviews pretty fucking yeah yeah and it doesn't matter if you're in hospital to start with that's always where you end up yeah but yeah just like friends of mine who do it regularly were like fuck A half would have done him And he's cracking No I know But it's because

You've got your dots up So you've got to go out Of your message Just go out of your message Because he thinks you're right Oh the dots are up Yeah but he thought He's responding

He's responding though Yeah He's responding right now Fuck That's still stressing Oh Yeah In New Zealand lol In NZ lol But he's still going Well In New Zealand, lol.

In NZ, lol. But he's still going. Well, we want the pic. Yeah. Well, he's covered the first year. If he just sends a pic of the entire New Zealand. The map. Because we did say, where are you, send pic.

That could mean of the location, to be fair. He's all of a sudden, this is not so much horny as geographically correct. You're now in a relationship with this man. So he was just visiting here and he came across the truck. He was just looking for a little bit of holiday. I told you, it's a destination shitter. Yeah. It's a stopover.

Yeah. Man. You could write back, no snakes in New Zealand, plenty of snakes here. Because it's factually accurate. Oh, yeah. And cheeky. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about because it's factually accurate and cheeky. What about a bit of Lord of the Rings? It's my open anus. One ring to rule them all.

Lord of the cock rings. You're in the land of the long white cum. How about you suck on my precious? All right, come on Come on buddy So that's it Give us a pick It's happening It's happening

He's sending me something And you know If I get Maybe he's tossing up You know it's gonna Like cost a bit more money To get a pick from New Zealand He's thrifty

Yeah Maybe he's wondering whether it's worth his while do you know that old the no snakes in new zealand thing i was in hawaii and we went to walk up to his lookout and on the way down i was thinking it was funny because i'm a fucking idiot to just say to people hey just be careful it was just a snake just for you'll be right but it was just a snake so for and a few people went oh oh thanks thanks oh oh and then I said it to this dude and with a thick Aussie accent he just comes back and goes

there's no snakes in Hawaii you fuckhead fuck yeah I was like alright god I love this country it's funny because you've literally got somewhere to be

I do I feel like we're just sitting here waiting for a follow I feel like you're fuck this we we're just sitting here waiting for a follow-up. I feel like you're like, fuck this. We've got to find out what this guy looks like. Yeah, yeah. Well, should we just start wrapping it up and then hopefully we have a pick by the end?

Give this a timer. Give this a... How long have we got? Have we got like a couple of minutes? I've got a couple of minutes. A couple of minutes. Okay. A couple of minutes.

We'll give this two or three minutes. You know what? There's plenty of theories in comedy. Here's a theory I've heard from at least three different people. There's three different people in comedy out there that have a theory that Tommy Little is gay. Oh, really?

Yes. I mean, good on them. I know, but I'm like... I can't believe when there's a bloke in the room who's topless with a pink glittery cowboy hat on. And coming from a guy who's been texting a man off a toilet wall for the better part of two weeks. You got me, Chando. No, no, hey, look, I'm the one...

Praise for Caesar. I've heard this and I'm like, what's the theory behind this? Because the amount of girls that I've seen Tommy Little with, the only thing I can think of that goes along with that theory is maybe you've clocked girls. Once you go through all the girls, there's nothing left but guys to go to. Maybe that's the theory.

Oh, I'm fine with it, whatever. So like BK is like the kill screen of a video game. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like now you have to start again. I've got Super Saiyan. Well, I, yeah, because I, in the realm of... This is also such a funny thing. What have we got?

A couple of minutes left? Okay, you're gay. Are you gay? See you guys. Thank you. I know what it's like to be on the other end of a rumour circulating in comedy You're gay. Are you gay? See you guys. Thank you. I know what it's like to be on the other end of a rumor circulating in comedy about your sexual prowess. Because I constantly get people go, you've got a huge cock.

And that's a rumor that was started by you, Tommy Little. Exactly. Mate, I reckon that was probably three comedy festivals. When you sucked me off. You're gay. It would just always end with. When you sucked me off, you're gay. It would just always end with me in a bar somewhere going, you know Tommy Dasolo, he's packing an absolute sledgehammer. And they'd just be like, what's Tommy Dasolo, who are you?

Why are you writing Carl Chandler's number on the wall? It'll pay off in years. Oh, okay. I've got to write no pick question mark I quite like that as a rumour I like a bit of mystery exactly but I'm just intrigued

by the people who are the people who are telling it to me aren't gay they're not like going oh I've heard it is so they're going to

get something out of it I'm just wondering where the basis of it is I've heard it from some gays oh have you yeah right with their fingers crossed it is. I've heard it from some gays. Oh, have you?

Yeah, right. With their fingers crossed. It's good. I think it shows you're appealing to both genders and they want the bi week as well. The bi week? Maybe it is. It's like the gay guys that are spreading that rumour. It's like the secret.

It's like you put this out in the world and then it'll eventually become true and that's when daddy cashes in i'm still because of that hat your daddy i know i'm in character i'm method i'm deep method but what's intriguing is i've also heard this rumor from girls which i think is sort of good in a way because it's like you know that thing like that idiot guy thing of younger guys where it's like oh a girl doesn't like me oh she's probably gay that's why yeah well girls can be just as fucked as guys oh he's gay that's why either that or you fucked them and you were that bad at it they're like he's gay to be fair both are possible i've done some of the worst rooting in my entire life.

It should be bad that just when I come, my gut reaction is just go, I'm sorry. Nothing like a bit of brutal self-reflection when you're hung over and thinking back over some past times and going like, God, what an absolutely appalling showing. The things that woman must have said to her friends about me. People have fallen into holes with more grace. Do you apologise or do you go with an excuse or not?

Do you just pretend it didn't happen or do you go, I just tell them to listen to the last two minutes of the podcast and might answer some questions. Great, great. We need downloads. That's great. Just doing a really bad fuck and then going, I'm sorry, I'm probably gay.

Yeah. Probably. I'm probably gay. This is the worst thing because we're going to end this podcast. Nothing. No pick question mark. And then when I'm just by myself in my house, I'm just going to get this pic of a naked guy going,

I'm ready. Fuck, I wish I was with the other boys right now. I feel safe. Clearly, send it on to me. With your wife, like synced up to her iPhone. It's in the cloud. It pops up on her screen. I love you all.

Yeah, we better wrap it up. Mike Goldstein, Tommy Little, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you. Little, you've got a tour that's going all around the country. My show's called I'll See Myself Out. It's coming everywhere. I think Perth's the only one that's not on sale at the moment, but it is. And there's some more regionals coming.

All the capital cities and some regionals coming up. TommyLittle.com? Yep. I think so. Yeah, TommyLittle.com. TommyLittle.com. TommyLittle.com. And Goldstein, you're doing a show in Perth?

Yeah, next week, Feb 6th through 8th for Perth Fringe Festival. Yeah, get tickets to that. And your podcast, The Phone Hacks, which is a lot like... This is, you guys, yeah, totally just outdid us with all this shit. Me, like, I'll never go on that show, but I'll do it on my own. It's with Nick Capa who might be on the end of this moment. Probably. This text message.

Oh, that's great. If this is you phone hacking our podcast, and then the next episode you do is the other side of this conversation. And it's just you uploading this episode under your name. Inception. For a free episode. Yeah, fuck yeah. Capa spliced in.

So listen out for that episode. It'll be coming out in a couple weeks. You're at Mike G. Steen on social media. Yeah, on Twitter and Instagram and everything. And yeah, thanks for having me on. Great. Thanks heaps for listening, guys. We'll see you next time.

See you, mates. And they've done it again. They have. They've done it again. There's absolutely no question except for, have they done it again? But the answer is yes. No ifs, ands, or buts. They've done it again.

There's a few buts. A few buts. A few ifs. A bit of a cliffhanger. What's our little friend going to write back? Well, you know what? Usually we record the normal episode, I guess you call it. The episode. The precursor, the episode.

Yeah. Very differently in a different day or time or whatever it is to the Talking Dum Dum, which is this. The warm-up to Talking Dum Dum. Which is this. Welcome to Walking Dum, Talking Dum Dum. Walking Dum Dum. Walking Dum Dum.

The Walking Dum Dum. Now, we are recording this immediately straight after. Hot. We've just farewelled the guests. dum-dum walking dum-dum walking dum-dum the walking dum-dum um now we are recording this immediately straight after hot we've just uh farewelled the guests you've put your top back on

yep taking the hat off yep and we're back to normal the smell of lynx africa from tommy little is still fresh so we've we've uh they've gone and so we're straight

hot off hot off the back of that content. Now, it was a bit of a cliffhanger as to what message, whether I was going to get a message back off that, whoever this person is. Yeah, we need a name for this. We need a code name for this. Yeah.

So as soon as we sat down here, the phone went off and I was like, oh, and then it's just my wife texting me going – and my wife has just texted me with the message, how are you? Is everything okay? Like that's a very good question. Oh, my God. Yeah. It's a very valid question.

Why is she asking that? I don't know. Just in general. I think it's just a very general question okay which just happens to be extremely applicable right now and what did you and i don't know what to write back send her the photo of me what's the photo okay all right all right yes we're doing it again yeah all right oh god you know what i was thinking about the other day was i can't remember what the setup was,

but it was like you were just texting your wife weird questions while we were doing this. There was like some, we were doing talking. I've texted her and said, what do you reckon with that same picture? Yeah, you were asking your wife like dumb questions. You were just like, you were just punking her on the air. Oh, was I?

It was like six months ago. Oh, a while back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But yeah, so what's she doing? Is she at work? Yeah, she must be just at lunch. Sometimes she texts me at lunch or rings me or whatever.

She's everything, Rick. Yeah. Oh, hang on. I'm getting the dots. The dots. You love the dots, don't you? You love to see the dots. Nothing like you're about to send a follow-up message to someone.

You know, you've sent something. Yeah. And then you're like, I'm going to send a – it's been a little while and you're about to send a follow-up message to someone. You know, you've sent something. Yeah. And then you're like, I'm going to send a – it's been a little while and you're going to send a follow-up. And then you see the dots on their end and you're like, oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, thank God. Yeah.

Her response is, hello, sperm. She gets it. She really gets it. Oh, I've got an update from the other guy. Oh, my God. It's all popping off. So, the update is, I'm back with Rick. You like green shirt with or without where you send pic?

In NZ, lol. No pic. My one. No pic, question mark. And we had no update to that. Yep. I've got the double update two messages from him yep first message working man so does that mean he's he's work he's working

he's saying i'm working man i can't send a pic because i'm working because i'm working yeah yeah yep or he's saying i'm a working man that's why I can't send a picture. Anyway. Yeah. Something like that. Sort of the same thing. Sort of. Yeah, sort of the same way. So, working man. Then, second message.

Send me one of you fucking green shirts. Oh, wow. Wow. Also, I'd take a little bit of umbrage Him still calling you green shirt When he liked the pic of you without any shirt Better Well, he's just attached to the nickname Yeah, I guess

It is catchy He can't be changing my nickname every time he sees me In a different item of clothing That's fair And green shirt's a lot catchier A lot more memorable than just no shirt That could be anyone I got excited because my phone lit up

I'm like, now I'm getting a message This is a podcast where we sit and commentate what messages we're getting from people. I'm going to send that to Tommy Little just so he knows, just so he's in the loop with the update. Yeah, yeah. All right. Well, we got to – I mean, that's very brazen and forward of him. When he's gotten two pics of a guy that he thinks is cute. So he's loving it.

He's gotten an escalation. He's gotten a shirtless pick. All you've said is pick of you. No pick back. Show me you fucking this guy. I agree. The gumption. I agree.

The fucking gumption of this man. The lack of manners from people getting numbers off toilet walls in truck stops. Just makes you sick. It's plummeted these days. What's the world coming to? God. Anyway. Kids these days.

You know what? Hey, this might be one for the listeners. I mean, we're not able to supply a pic of us two fucking because, you know, obviously we just did it before and so we don't have it in us anymore. But like, if, you know, look, there's some photoshoppers out there. If anyone's got a pic, they could supply to us that we could send back. You can text to this guy. I can text this guy.

Yes. Yes. Okay. Yeah. All right. Great challenge. Because we could. Is this a bad podcast?

I think our lives are bad, but this podcast is good. Yeah. Is this. Is this bad or good? Is this bullying? Yeah. I don't is good. Yeah. Is this... Is this bad or good? Is this bullying? Yeah. I don't know what it is. Is this homophobia?

I don't... But I don't think it is. No, it's... You know, it's fine. Whatever. Because this guy was just... Having fun. This guy was...

I think this guy is just up for anything. Yeah. Because this guy... I clearly think this guy thought he was texting a girl. And now he's like... You think? I thought. Oh, maybe not. No, I think he... texting a girl. And now he's like... You think? I thought. Oh, maybe not.

No, I think he... I think you... If this is in a truck stop, then I think if you're in the male toilet saying that, you'd assume that it's... Oh, okay. I didn't think of it that way. I didn't think...

I actually didn't think that. Right. So you think he thought he was texting a cute girl? Yeah. You? Yes. That's what I did think. Okay.

Interesting. Yeah. No, my immediate assumption was, oh, he's like a, yeah. Because I think that famous homosexual Tommy Little's theory is correct. This must be like a known. Oh, right. Okay. I just literally very naively didn't think that i think the fact

that the volume of messages that you've gotten it can't just be if it was just in a random toilet somewhere right you'd probably get messages but you wouldn't get as many people that are seriously inquiring about it right actually up for it right you'd probably get a lot of like but i this must be to get that volume, it must be a little shit hangout. It's funny what you have stuck in your head. In between, before we started recording Talking Dum Dum, we both said, we realised that we have no idea where this truck stop is, but we both had it in our head that it was like

on the way out of Ballarat for some reason. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I just had it in my head that it was like, there was a message saying, for a good time, call Charlene on 0438, you know, whatever. I'm actually amazed to find out that people legitimately do cruise those numbers. Yes, absolutely. Did I say this on the app? If I was horny and saw that, I would never think, well, this could be legit,

so I'd better text it because I'll probably end up having sex with the person on the other end. That the thing because you go you legitimately look at that and go this is someone stitching up their mate yes of course every time but i mean i think the fact that someone can view this as legitimate it's kind of beautiful in a way yeah because we think that it's probably someone stitching up their mate because we're you know we're probably a bit more cynical than most people it it shows like a pretty negative worldview yeah but for your to see the world through those eyes of just like taking everything at face value and being an opportunity for love is actually really quite really quite touching yeah to look at something

scrawled on a wall and go all i have to do is text this and i get a good time what what a world it's just a belief that the world is that simple, that there's no tricksters out there, that there's certainly no podcasts. Well, I mean, on face value, this guy is having a good time at the moment. He's seen two pics of a man that he likes to look off. Do you reckon he's getting one off to that pic of me right now? Fuck. Hopes?

Yeah, that's good. We'll put the pic on the socials a couple of days after the app. And let us know if anyone gets off to it. There's a listener that looks at it online. Oh, good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. This could be like a new chat.

This could be like the ice bucket challenge. Yes. The beating off to Dasolo challenge. Even if you're straight. I've got this photo of Tommy and now I nominate my friend Tim. Even if you're straight, it's a challenge. Yes. The beating off to Dasolo challenge. Even if you're straight. I've put on this photo of Tommy and now I nominate my friend Tim. Even if you're

straight, it's a challenge. You have to bat off to it. The ultimate challenge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great, great.

Fantastic stuff. Great. We're good at podcasting. All right. So like you said, the top, top, top of the show.

We've got live shows coming up. Adelaide sold out. Brisbane sold out. They're March 14 and 15, I believe. I believe so, yeah. So don't forget to come along to those. We're close to selling out Melbourne afternoon shows, I believe.

I think so, yeah. March 4 and 11. They're afternoon shows. I think they're like 4 o'clock or something. They're all the inf's on the website. They have great episodes in Melbourne and then, of course... April the 25th. Saturday night. It's a Saturday night show.

Nothing better. At the giant Athenaeum Theatre in Melbourne, in Collins Street, Melbourne, it is selling absolutely beautifully. We're down to not that many tickets to go. Great to be on a Saturday night. I'm thinking of going and seeing, during that week, one of my favourite bands. I thought you were going to go and see something that night.

I'm like, fucking hell. Well, one of my favourite bands, Tame Impala, announced a huge tour that's around that time. Right. It's during the week. They're doing stadiums. Guess what night they're playing in Melbourne? Thursday.

They're not getting a Saturday. They're one of the biggest acts in the world at the moment. They don't get Saturday night. Little Dum Dum Club. They get the Saturday night. Great. They probably wanted to do the Athenaeum on the Saturday. Sorry, fellas. It's booked out. Ah, rats. Rod Laver Arena it is, I guess.

A much more convenient venue for the size of our fans. Okay, that's good in a way, I guess. In every way. Look, there's no accidents. It's all kind of worked out pretty handily for us. Yeah, that's actually the date where it would have been perfect for me to go to England and watch Liverpool play.

And that's not the case. We've got the 500th episode. So I guess it's bittersweet. But guys, if you're out there, if you can organise me a ticket to a Liverpool game. So I can cancel this gig? No, no, no. Not on that date, but like any date from now on in.

Again, I've put this out in the air. I've put this on the socials. Someone, a listener last year, was extremely nice enough to... To contact a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend. Yes. His name, I don't know his real name on Twitter. It's like Marv Hucker, I think.

I don't know if that's his real name because that's too good of a name to be… It is pretty great. Yeah. He should subscribe on Patreon. Yes, exactly. But he gave the greatest gift of all, which is a friend of a friend of a friend. And he sent a message. I put it out there again last week, I think, on the socials.

And he was like, oh, I can't help you out again because just the friend of the friend of the friend is too dodgy on the whole situation. I'm like, yeah, I bet he is. Oh, really? The guys that we were there with? No, the one from this end. Because it was his workmate. His workmate hit up. Hit up his cousin.

Hit up his cousin. His up his cousin Hit up his cousin His workmate here Hit up his cousin from the UK Who then Hit up someone else Someone else Yeah Yeah their relative

Whatever it was Because I was Supposedly The story was And people will remember this From the episode perhaps But the story was that I was a fellow Liverpool diehard

Yes And you were worried That we would somehow like Get in trouble Or piss these guys off If they got a whiff Of me just being a fellow Liverpool diehard. Yes. And you were worried that we would somehow get in trouble or piss these guys off if they got a whiff of me just being a real rubberneck up. Yes. So you had to coach me.

It was like a day of me practising what the link was. And it was fucking tough work. And also, it was us. I was too scared. It felt like a movie. I was too scared of you talking, so I just didn't let you talk for about two hours. I just kept buying beers and then going, yeah, yeah, yeah, and then this happened, and then this happened, and I was too scared it felt like a movie I was too scared of you talking so I just didn't let you talk for about two hours I just kept buying beers and then going

yeah yeah yeah and then this happened and then this happened and I was just like absolutely dominating the conversation these guys are like are we allowed to fucking talk at any stage

you're just telling them everything about the podcast oh then we go to Thailand and we do this which no I got it I was like I'm not going to open my mouth because I'll fuck it

and also don't give them enough oxygen to be able to go to me. Tell us, how much do you love Liverpool? Yes. Who's your favourite player? Yes. All of that.

Mr Liverpool. Larry Liverpool. Liverpool. So that's all happening. Yep. Of course, as we've hinted at, we're doing an after party as well, which is going to be massive, but that will be exclusive for the people that come to the show, the ticket holders for the 500th episode,

and no other rubberneckers, as you say. You know what I'd love to organise? No coattail riders. This would be a great way of doing the after party. Quite often there'll be, like, if a big band comes out, there might be an after party at like a you know a smaller club or something it'll be the official after party of this tour and it's like no one from the band is there yeah at best maybe you get like the drummer does a dj set yeah yeah at best for like half an

hour yeah god i would love it if we just had the stones to do something yeah i know just you book a lineup of comedy We're at home. You and I are back here in the masturbatorium just watching YouTube clips and having beer. I was thinking that. I was thinking how far could we stretch it? Like we have this genuine after party, which is going to be good. Yeah. But then I was thinking, what if we have a before party?

And we don't even go to it because we're getting ready for our shit. Yeah. We have some sort of concept before party. We get Oliver Clark to DJ it or something like that and it's just uh in the basement uh somewhere up the road and uh and we you know we put a few posters around we we we have a maybe you know a podcast episode playing at one stage or something like a really loose version of like a themed before party and then i was like thinking oh would we get away with that would people want to you know people want to go somewhere and pre-load and then i was like

of course that is a terrible idea just giving someone the idea to absolutely get completely tanked up before they come to the show and then the after party yes yes i do like the idea of in 2020 trying to set up something where we see how much we can get away with just a one-off thing how much can we get away with with absolutely gouging the people that listen to this oh but meet and greet you know we always talk about we're doing it wrong yeah we're doing these shows and then we're just hanging around and anyone can come up and fucking have a crack or whatever yeah yeah you know the dollop come out here and it's like an extra hundred bucks on your ticket to have the meet and greet yeah yeah you know if we if we pull some caper like that, an after party that we're not at, I'd love to just do one thing that's just us taking the piss and we see what we can get away with.

Oh, what about this? Alternatively, what about this? So we've got the after party, we've got the show, and then we have the before party. Then we try and stick in another party before that? A before-before party. Yeah, just sort of see if we can have organised functions all day. We basically start next week. Yeah, yeah.

Yes. We have a marathon day where it just starts at fucking 2 o'clock in the afternoon. And there's slightly different themed parties on the hour every hour. This thing's turning into like the kind of commitment that Harry Potter and the Cursed Child is. There's two parts to it. It goes all day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw my friend the other day after he'd been.

It starts at two in the afternoon and I met up with him after he'd left the theatre at 10.30 at night. Really? Is that what it is? I don't even know. Is that what it is? So there's two parts to it

and each part has an interval in it and you have a gap in the middle of like a couple of hours. But it's essentially, you can go and see the two parts over consecutive nights, or you can go and do them all in one like marathon day. So they travel down from Sydney to do it. So you've got to get it done one day. You've got to go do it in one day.

I kind of want to go. It sounds sick. Oh, really? Yeah, it sounds good. I'm not a big Harry Potter fan, but apparently it's an amazing production. Yuck. I'm not going to go.

No surprises there. Yeah. Yeah. No, but you went to Elton John the other night. I did. And you were so effusive. I decided to buy tickets. Yeah, it was great.

I'm going to go. I'm going to go. It was pretty funny. So I went with my parents. I think we mentioned this on the pod, but I bought my parents tickets for Christmas four years ago whenever the tickets went on sale yeah uh and it was very funny i don't think my parents have ever been to a concert yeah so opening act played and the stage is big enough that the opening act just had his stuff it was like a piano like a

keyboard drum kit and bass guitarist so they were just kind of like on the corner of the stage so eldon's stuff is already set up yeah and then it's just the opening act just has his stuff in the little corner. So opening act finishes, roadies come on, start taking all his stuff off. And my dad's like, where are they taking all that stuff? What are they doing? Doesn't Elton need all that stuff? Where's that gear going? Just the most common thing in a concert.

My dad's like, what the fuck's that? Who are all these guys? And just the one voice of reason within thousands of people going am i the only person to think how the fuck is elton gonna play piano if there's no fucking piano yeah people just hearing him like this guy's right just put it back yeah why didn't we think of that put that drum kit back um yeah so i've got tickets i've bought very expensive tickets to go and see him. So that's going to happen next month. Which this is a show that went on sale.

This is like the one you got tickets to is an extra, extra show. Yeah. That I think went on sale long after I bought the tickets to where I went. Right. Which was an hour and 15 minutes out of Melbourne. Yeah. And the one that you're going to is across the road from my house. Yes.

It's a half hour walk from my house. God damn. Yeah. I mean, it was great. It was great out there. Yes. you're going to is across the road from my house yes it's a half hour walk from my house god damn i mean it was great it was great out there but yeah it was part of me like because i told you this like that we got trapped in the car park for two and a half hours trying to leave yeah and i just i knew that that amy park show was on sale at the time i was like fuck imagine me just cruising yeah yeah back at home already yeah fuck yeah i'm see that and this i've talked about this recently but i've always gone to shows like just completely sober and nearly most often by myself and then the last couple of shows i've been to i've gone with friends and just got tanked

up and gone oh what have i been wasting my time doing anything but this for this is the best so now i've bought tickets to go and see Elton John with my wife going, am I just going to get absolutely obliterated while she doesn't drink at all and just be like, Benny! Benny and get fucked! Fuck yeah. Yeah, you should do it. So you're taking the wife.

I'm very tempted, yeah. That's exciting. That would be great. It's a really great night out. Yeah. No, it was one of those things where I'm online and I was talking to you and I'm like, I'm getting online. I'm going to fucking look for these tickets.

And then I'm like saying to my wife, I'm online. I'm just waiting to try and get these tickets. She's trying to get me to do something. Just wait one second. I'm just trying to get these tickets. Oh, what for? Elton John. I'll have one as well.

Okay. Well, they're this much. Yeah, no worries. I'll get one. I'll have one, thanks. Just knowing that it's like, I'm never getting the money for that. That's just the thing I buy now. Yeah.

Yeah. Do you like Elton John? And it's like, he's okay. No worries. Yeah, great. $350 for one for someone that you think is okay. Also, I'm getting worse seats because I've got to get two together. I don't know why I was – Like, I was really pushing you into it

and halfway through the conversation, I was like, I have absolutely no horse in this race. What am I on a commission now for Elton John? I realised that a little bit after I bought the ticket as well. I was like, yeah, a little bit of that was Tommy pushing me

and I'm like, okay, well, I guess I'm fine with it. Well, you had said a couple of times, you're like, oh, I regret not chasing down the ticket. And after having been, I was like, fuck, it's one of the best shows I've ever seen. It's so fucking good. It'll be good. I've you had said a couple of times, you're like, oh, I regret not chasing down a ticket. And after having been, I was like, fuck,

it's one of the best shows I've ever seen. It's so fucking good. It'll be good. I've been doing a little bit of your trick recently when a concert goes on sale that I want to go to and there's not immediately someone that I know being like, hey, let's go to this or like a group of us. I just get, when I buy tickets, just get two.

Yeah. And just when it comes around, like, oh, yeah, I've got a second one. Yeah. Who wants to come with me? Yeah. It feels nice. Yeah, it is good. It's nice. Yeah, it is good.

It's a good feeling. It is good. All right. What are we up to? I'm just checking my sex hotline to see if anything else has happened. God, it's a different energy doing this in the middle of the day as opposed to 10 at night where we're like, all right, we need to get this done quick. Yeah.

Let's talk about Elton John for 15 minutes. Yeah, all right, let's get into this. So that's where we're standing with that guy. Send me one of you fucking green shirt. So we'll get the Photoshop Warriors onto it and then we can catch up on this next episode. Now let's talk about something even more weirder, the Patreon raid

Now people that get on and support this show And after listening to this episode Why wouldn't you want to support this This valuable piece of the arts Chuck a bit of money through the glory hole Patreon.com slash little dum-dum club Is where you go if you want to support the show And say thanks to us for putting this on every week and ruining our own lives and you know getting me personally just getting weird

texts from strangers at night and getting a little bit scared about it um if you if you like that if you want to compensate that please chuck it our way um also you get bonuses you get bonus episode per month you get a bonus magazine per month you it's not just you being a nice guy, right? It's also you getting stuff for it. Exactly. So win-win. Of course, you also get a chance of having your name immortalized in this show by being read out and thanked personally

and just basically wall-to-wall compliments on how nice your name is. This is the segment of the show right now, the section where we do a bit of that. We get the unplanned title alternator out. It's been upgraded this week. Has it? Yeah, another couple of grand stuck into the upgrades. Oh, right.

What are the upgrades? There's not a lot of great upgrades. To be honest, there's nothing visible at the moment. Nothing's come up and I don't notice anything at the moment. But the software might be different. That's what I'm saying yeah there might be

improvements the home screen the home screen's the same looks the same yeah looks the same to me it's frustrating yeah

so I don't know what we've got for our money but anyway so a couple of thousand dollars yeah for something that you you paid this money

not knowing what it does yes okay yeah you know you just hit the button you know it comes up

and you go update and you go yeah yeah yeah I mean yeah I would do that. But if it's like update for $2,000, I'd click the little more info tab. No, no, no. I mean, I take this show seriously.

And, you know, I don't want, you know, like a name to come out wrong or something like that and get sued by one of the listeners or anything like that. Yeah, that's true. That would be a shame. To be sued by someone for reading their name wrong. Yeah, yeah. That common – it's like Roe versus Wade.'s true. That would be a shame. If you're sued by someone for reading their name wrong. Yeah, yeah. That common, it's like Roe versus Wade. It's like one of the legendary cases.

Landmark. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. So I don't want that to happen. So if it's a couple of grand a week or a month or whatever it is. A small price to pay. Exactly. For the peace of mind.

Exactly. For sleep. I bet as soon as you click that, God, you must have slept soundly that night. Exactly. Like you don't regret buying insurance. You don't just sort of go five years later, well, you must have slept soundly that night. Exactly. Like, you don't regret buying insurance. You don't just sort of go five years later, well, that was a waste of money because I didn't fucking get shot in the head that month. Like, that's money wasted.

Yeah. It's just, you know, it's peace of mind. It's exactly. Yeah, yeah. So when someone's holding the gun to your head, you're like, well, who gives a fuck? Insurance is going to pick this up. Finally, I'm going to get something back. All right.

All right. So let's fire it up. I can't wait to find out what these updates are. Well, I mean, I'm more interested in the names themselves. But I mean, that's just... I'm not interested in the names. I'm just, you know... Well, neither did I.

I just said I'm more interested. Okay. Yeah. I guess I probably am more interested in the update. That's what makes us the original odd couple. I mean, names are names. But the update could be anything. Yeah, yeah. It could be absolutely anything. Yeah, yeah, you're right.

It could be absolutely anything. Yeah, right, you're right. I mean, I imagine you feel a lot like I do right now. On the edge of your seat, no idea how this update is going to manifest itself. Is that fair to say? That you have absolutely no idea what this is going to be? It's fairer to say than you would ever imagine. Never in your wildest dreams could you predict what's going to be. It's fairer to say than you would ever imagine. Never in your wildest dreams

could you predict what's about to happen. Well, I've only just turned it on, Tommy. I know. That's why I'm saying. Sorry if it's just a sorry if it's a pointless thing

to bring up. That's fine. That's fine. That's no problem. Well, let's fire it up. Let's fire it up. The suspense is killing both of us.

It will kill me. Yep, for sure. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. First cab off the rank. The big... Oh, hang on a minute. Hang on a minute. I've just noticed an update.

Oh, what's the update? It's a big blue button I'm about to hit. It was a big red button before. I know. Wow. There's two grand. There's. Wow. There's two grand. There's two grand. There's two grand right there.

Yep. Do you think that's the only thing in the upgrade? Who knows? Who's to say? Who knows? Who's to say? I mean, if you see anything from where you're sitting over here, feel free to shout out if you notice any of the updates or whatever.

Well, I'm actually facing the opposite way, so I can't see. There's a mirror behind me, though, so you could possibly see. I forgot about the mirror. It does give me full vision of what's happening on the screen. Exactly, except it's in reverse. Remember that. Yes. Just remember that.

Oh, okay, right. Yep, okay. Yep. So anyway, the big blue button. What a treat. It says Red Rum on the screen right now. It's a good suggestion. Thank you to Patreon subscriber James Collings.

Collings. Collings. One of those additional consonants in there that you sort of think. Bit much. Is that just you trying to, did you go to school with someone called James Collins and you're like, this is too confusing. Let's just whack something else in there that differentiates us and makes me sound just a little bit more fucked.

Yeah, I don't like it. James Colling, would I be into that? No, there's nothing this name could do to bring me back around. Yeah. I'm sorry to say it. It's one of those ones that sounds like it has more syllables than it does because you have to go Collings. Yeah, yeah.

You can stretch it. There's only two syllables. If you wanted to Colling-z. No. Colling-z. Colling-z. You could stretch it out to four.

It sort of sounded like you were saying Cunnilingus. Oh, well now I'm back. Maybe that's what I don't like about the name. It's bringing that up and it's making me too horny. Right.

James Cunnilingus. Do you get... Is that something that makes you especially horny? Thinking of the act of Cunnilingus. Yes. Yeah, of course. Right. You just get rock hard thinking about Cunnilingus.

Yeah. Right. Who amongst us can honestly say that they don't like eating pussy? Do you get erect while eating it? Yeah. Okay. Sorry, this is a new segment of the show. We're not doing Cancer Corner this week.

It's Cunnilingus Corner this week. Pussy Clan Cunnilingus Corner. Happy to answer all questions about Cunnilingus. What's the first? I hope it's not like Cancer Corner where I'm frequently having to go, I don't know, I'd have to ask my parents. They'd probably have a better idea than me. Most of the same questions. Does it hurt? where I'm frequently having to go, I don't know, I'd have to ask my parents. They'd probably have a better idea than me.

Most of the same questions. Does it hurt? How long did you have to miss school for it? Did you catch it off a toilet seat? Yeah, yeah. Okay. But yes, I do get erect while I'm performing the act of falling. Great. Because it feels good to be giving enjoyment to someone else.

You know, there's a lot going on. So if you get erect while giving enjoyment to someone else, you always rock hard doing this podcast because a lot of people enjoy this podcast. A lot of people enjoy it, yeah. So you're constantly erect. Yeah, I have to tape it down before we start recording. Right, right. Because otherwise it's going to burst out of the seam in my jeans.

Right, so maybe years gone past when we were doing, you know, we're pretty consistent, you know, these days. Yes. Maybe six, seven, eight years ago when we were knocking out some average episodes, were you just completely flaccid then? That's always been the kind of- Because you thought this is not giving anyone any fun. Of course.

Yeah. And that's the way I've always known whether or not it's good. So, I mean, you're right. The last few years, I'm a wrecked the entire time we're doing the pod. Yeah, right. But, yeah, sometimes previously I'd be flaccid and I'd know deep down, I guess that means this wasn't much of a good one. Right.

But I would never want to bring the mood down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And say that to you. It's just a secret kind of flat feeling that I've had to live with myself. Right. So, that explains why I was at one of your gigs once and you were killing to you it's just a secret kind of flat feeling that i've had to live with myself right so that explains why i was at one of your gigs once and you're killing and just the top of your dick at the top of your belt just like coming all over your shirt and i'm like you are destroying this

is and you are definitely noticing this yep um and then also sometimes when i bomb that happens oh because i can look up the back of the room and see some comedian peers Yep. And then also sometimes when I bomb, that happens. Oh. Because I can look up the back of the room and see some comedian peers. Oh, right. Here comes a bit of gossip about how badly I've done. Well, you see Ben Lomas up the back of the gig. Exactly. Who loves a good bomb.

So you're making him laugh. Exactly. And you're like, well, I'm still coming. It's like I'm bombing and then I get hard. Yeah. And that's when I know Lomas must be in the room. Oh, okay. Because there's certainly no enjoyment coming from the audience. Do you ever... So it know lomas must be in the room okay there's certainly no enjoyment

coming from the audience do you ever must be coming from someone in the room ergo lomas must be up the back do you ever get erect because you're bombing and lomas isn't in the room but then you think this will get back and then you become a wreck because you think i'm going to give enjoyment in the future to someone uh that's never happened that's never happened no well maybe that's something to think about that's Something to think about That's something to think about In the future Yeah sure

I mean look If I could control this Comedy Viagra Yeah Well I'm doing a gig tonight Where I'm going to try some new So let's find out Right

Let's find out How quickly Lomas Can find out about it If I've got the lipstick out While I'm performing I'll know The lipstick. Using the name for your dick that people used to refer to with dogs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just like you making out with a girl and like, oh, baby, my lipstick is really out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got my red rocket on display right now. I like that. I like that a lot. Great.

I like that a lot, doing that and then just like trying to continue with it, just going, dirty talking, going, maybe it's Maybelline. Yes. All right. There you go, listeners. Thanks, James Collings. Thanks, James. All right.

Thank you, too. Number two cab off the rank, the underrated cab, in my opinion. I like just getting the first cab out of the way. Yeah, the Buzz Aldrin cab. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Still contributed. It's like the first newspaper on top of the way. Yeah, the Buzz Aldrin cab. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Still contributed. It's like the first newspaper on top of the pile. It's a bit...

The cover's a bit wrecked. Fuck that off. Let's get the one underneath it. Exactly. Crisp, clean. The second cab. Yeah. Thank you to Patreon subscriber...

Rex Worst Bot. W-U-R-S-T-B-O-T. Now, this is a fake name. This is someone playing funny buggers. Are they wasting our time? They're wasting our time. I'm going to have to do a bit of... But, hey, that is a crazy coincidence that we were just talking about dogs and lipstick,

and then we get Rex. Oh, yeah. Classic cartoon dog name. Yeah, that's a – yes. You know what? So is this a horny dog that's contributing? Yeah, absolutely. He's giving back to all the Red Rockets we've given him over the years.

Yeah, exactly. You know what? I've talked recently about not having any boys' names if I had a boy. Rex. And I said – what did I say? My idea for a boy's name was to name him after a very famous sex offender. Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, it was a name that you liked. Yes. And you were like, this is what I would call my kid. Yes. And I was like, really? Yeah. You're not thinking at all about the association that that name has. What's his name again?

I can't remember. Harvey. Harvey. Yes, Harvey. Right. I like Harvey. Now I'm thinking Rex. I like Rex.

Famous invisible rabbit. Yes. That's Harvey. But Rex, there's nothing too bad. There's Rex on. He's not much good. That's not too bad. He's not great.

There's nothing too bad There's Rex on He's not much good That's not too bad He's not great But I would think Most people would go to The dog Yeah

Which Hey maybe You know people love dogs But it is a bit weird to You know Your son get a bit older And go Dad why did you call me Rex

Like It's a dog's name We gave you a dog's name I have to correct myself Rex Worst Brot Not Bot Worst Brot. Not Bot. Worst Brot. Okay.

Okay. Yeah. I'm back into maybe thinking this is real. In which case, fucking love it. Right. What a stormer of a name. If this is real. If this is real.

God, that's sick. You know what? I'm checking. Rex Worst Brot. I'm checking it out. Checking it out. You're cross-referencing it? Yes.

With his email address. It's there. Really? Yeah. I'm checking it out. You're cross-referencing it? Yes, with his email address. It's there. Really? Yeah. I love this. Fucking hell. I mean, it could still be, you know, whatever, a pseudonym. They don't check Gmail as strictly as they check passports.

We've got to just be like we were saying, the people reading phone numbers on a toilet wall, taking it at face value. Yes. This is someone who wants to make love. This is a real person. You've got to have a bit more faith in the world. Yes.

Yeah, you're right. You're right. I want to believe in a world where someone has a name like Rex Worstbrot. Worstbrot. And also, you know what? I love the idea that he's got this name and he's signed up for our Patreon knowing exactly what's coming. Yes, yes.

Because full credit to Mr. and Mrs. Worst Brot. They're out there going like, what a surname we've got. Yeah. And full credit to them for not going, let's try and minimize the damage here by just calling him Tim or something. Yeah. They're like, why not? Let's just go for it. Let's go all in.

Well, maybe that's exactly what they're thinking. They're thinking, let's take the heat off the last name let's give him a dog's name and maybe they won't maybe they won't notice the worst brought well it's also you're hearing the name in full so it's it's kind of it's a bit of a it's bracing you for what's to come right you hear rex you're like fucking hell yeah and then you hear worse brought it's almost like that kind of doesn't register yeah because you've been prepped for it by the first name. I think as a name, I mean, you could be a, it sounds like a famous person. Like you could make a name for yourself.

Like, so to speak. Yeah. With a name like. You don't need to. Yeah. A great name has been made for you. Exactly. Exactly.

Not like me. I had to make a name for myself. Yes. Yes. Totally. Rex Wurst Brot. Fuck. Wex.

Wex is good. Wex Worst Bot. Worst. It is a bit of a tongue twister. Yeah. Rex Worst Brot. Rex Worst Brot. Rex Worst Brot.

Rex Worst Brot. Rex Worst Brot. Rex Worst Brot. Rex Worst Brot. Well, thanks, Rex. Rex Worst Brot. Worst Brot. Worst Brot.

What's a Brot? Is a Brot a thing at all? I'm looking at what a brat is. Surely the word brat means something. Now this is a bad podcast. I'm looking up brat. Oh, okay. Here we go.

What do you got? Brat in German means loaf of bread. so rex worst bread yep but then again worst means something as well something else what's worst because i assume it's spelt w u yes rst yeah yes sausage of course bratwurst yeah sausage bread rex sausage bread. Rex sausage bread. Ooh. Rex sausage bread. I'm back into thinking this. Hang on. I'm back into thinking this is a con. You know what? You know what I'm thinking?

This is a fucking surreptitious ad from Bunnings. That's what I'm thinking too. That's exactly what I'm thinking. Rex. Because Rex. Sausage and bread. Because didn't, hang on a minute. Because didn't, was it, but no.

Oh no, I'm thinking of something different. The ads for the hardware store that had the dogs in them. The friend of the show, Greg Fleet, was a voice of. Yeah. I guess the 90s. But I think that was home hardware. It was. I don't think that wasn't Bunnings.

It was. You're right. Yeah. Man, that would be a real true crime podcast happening right now if that was true. Should have stretched that out over 10 apps. Yeah. Totally. Well, thanks, Rex.

Thanks, Rex Sausage Bread. And get in touch. Yeah. And look, I mean, I'll be upset if it's a fake name, but we won't be mad. Yeah. Full amnesty. Just be honest.

Dog Sausage Bread. What a name. God, I'm hungry. Yeah, me too. Yeah. I'm doing the intermittent fasting and it's time to eat. Yeah, me too. Oh, really?

Are you doing it as well? Yeah. Oh. I just, I mean, I just sort of stopped having breakfast a few months ago. Yeah. It's like just kind of up out the door. Yeah. And I've been talking to people.

I was telling my parents about it the other day and they're like, that's insane. Yeah. How are you? I mean, if I worked in an office and I was like up at six and then waiting till lunch, it'd probably kill me. But you change your hours though. Keep it a pretty loose schedule. You can change your hours then.

You go, okay, well, I'll eat at six and then I'll... Well, yes. If you eat dinner at six o'clock, it's actually pretty easy to do. Yeah. Have a late-ish breakfast. But yeah, I just don't really feel the need. Get up, just kind of potter and do what needs to be done and then it's lunchtime. I feel like I earn my lunch at the moment doing this.

Once I get lunch, I go, fucking let's go for it. I agree. I've done something. Let's hoe in. I would like to switch it up. I would like to get a good, like a Nutribullet or something and get into the smoothies at the start of the day, just to get a bit more health.

Do it purely for like get some good like fruit and stuff at the start of the day. I think it would be good for me. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Alexander Malevsky. Malevsky. Malevsky. I don't mind this. Alexander.

A-L-E-K-S-A-N-D-E-R. Malevsky. Alexander Malevsky. I know a Malevsky. I wonder if this guy's related to him. I couldn't tell you. I'll to him. I couldn't tell you. I'll be honest. I couldn't tell you.

Hmm. I thought you were the one man that could answer that. Hang on. Let's see if that's coming in the update. I'll just type it in as the unplanned title alternator. Can we frequently ask questions? Can we tell if one of these names is related to someone that tommy knows return oh it's only it's only if i know them you don't get any it's not it's never if you know well that's a

different question i didn't type that question okay sorry tommy uh no no there's no way of knowing no it doesn't say i mean i guess i could text my friend and go do you have a brother with this name oh Oh, wow. Does your phone have that function? That's a cool update. Well, I don't know if it's able to do things that are too boring. Right. I mean, what's to be...

At the end of the day, I just want to get erect. So I want the listeners to be having a good time. Yeah. And I can't see any way in which the listeners get any enjoyment out of going, yeah, that's my friend's brother. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I know for an hour you've been texting a guy at the side of a road in a truck stop seeing if you wanted to bum either of us.

But yeah, cool. Someone we don't know is related to someone else that we don't really know. Yeah. Cool. Alexander. Putting a K in Alexander. Wild spelling. I like it in Alexander. Wild spelling. I like it.

Never heard of it. Never heard of it. Well, that's what makes me think he might be related to my friend because his first name is a kind of weird spelling as well. So I'm thinking even before I heard the surname, I was like there's a family connection here. What about this? If you were going to spell Alexander like that, would you go with an S or a Z?

Alexander. You're going to go with a spiky K like that. You might as well go with a whole hog. But I think the S, the kind of smoothness of the S gives the spikiness of the K a bit more room to flourish. Because if you've got the K and the Z, there's so many angles there that nothing's really getting to breathe. Too much. Yeah.

I like that you get the sharpness of the K and then you get a nice little come down, a smooth slide of the S. Bit of dessert. God, this is good stuff. Fuck, we do good work in here. We should go back and listen to... We should get a grant.

Yeah. We shouldn't be asking for listener money. We should get a grant. Fuck, we're good at talking about names now. I'd love to go back and listen to we should get a grant yeah we shouldn't be asking for listening money we should get a grant fuck we're good at talking about names now i'd love to go back and listen to the first handful of times we did this yeah because now i would not love that we're better at this than anything else yeah i don't know um i'm just looking at rex rex flights ever been on a rex flight i did i went on a rex flight to Esperance oh yeah jack off that bull yeah how was it uh man I loved it like really tiny plane um pretty cool experience small airport I think I said this on the pod but the um the flight attendant guy coming down the aisle midway through the flight and going is anyone gonna need a taxi when we get to the airport

because I'll have to get the pilot to call ahead and order it for you. Yeah, yeah, that's great. And he comes seat to seat, and I'm so naive, I'm like, I'll get an Uber. And he's like, no, you fucking will not. Yeah, yeah, yeah, funny. I just looked it up. Rex flights are typically short, so the airline meal service, which is free, reflects the flight time. Tea and coffee are served with snacks, rolls, or wraps and water.

I couldn't believe that, that they bring out the cart on a plane that is like the size of a car. That's great. Yeah. When I flew from Montreal to New York with Milan, similarly very, very, very small plane. Yeah. And they bring out meal service and it's like we're in the air for about half an hour. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It really doesn't matter. How is there the room on this plane? Rex would be even smaller though, wouldn't it? Was that smaller? That flight was pretty small that we got to New York. I mean, yeah, slightly smaller, but not by much. Am I imagining this? When we flew Montreal to New York,

was it two seats on one side and one seat on the other? We didn't fly together, but yes, that was the case on my plane. Yeah, yeah, it was the same thing. I missed my flight. Which I loved. You loved that I missed my flight. Yeah. Which I loved. You loved that I missed my flight? Yes.

I was on the one seat. Oh, were you? So you just, you know, it does feel like, you know, a bit, it feels like an upgrade. Right. I've got the whole row. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't have to worry. There's no one next to me. Row of one.

Even if you're in the aisle, which I like being, there's no one just next to me in any capacity whatsoever. Don't have to worry about someone spilling over into my seat. Feels great. It feels bad that you're in a light airplane and it's like, these go down more often than bigger airplanes. Well, then on the way back from Esperance, I was in the – so the back row of those small planes is like the back row of a bus, right?

Yep. So it's just all the way along the back wall yeah so i'm in the aisle seat like it but in the middle so like you know like being in the middle seat of a car where i'm strapped in but there's no seat in front of me yeah i'm just looking down the aisle going this is fucking terrifying yeah there's nothing keeping me in if we go if we start going down i'm just going to go tumbling. Well, thanks, Alexander. Thanks, Alexander.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber Nicole Greenwood. Nicole Greenwood? Interesting. Or Nicole Brownwood. That's how I read it originally. I noticed you were very distracted as I was talking about that Rex flight.

Yeah. You were trying to squinch to see the name. Yeah, I can't even see the word green and figure it out. Like Greenwood, great last name. Is it? I think so. It's okay. Johnny Greenwood from Radiohead.

Oh, yeah. Film score composer. Well, you could put Johnny at the start of anything and it sort of sounds cool. That's very true. Yeah. I mean, I guess... Johnny Dickface sounds okay. Johnny Dickface sounds awesome.

Yeah. Nicole... I guess I'm fine with. Yeah. Signing off on that? Signing off on that. Yeah. Nikki?

Is that what you abbreviated to? I guess I abbreviated to Nicky, yeah. Nick? Would you be one of those people that calls yourself Nick NIC? No. Yeah, I've never been. Not for me. Never been a big rep for that one.

No, thank you. I always feel like Nick should be spelt with a K on the end. When you spell it C, it's like this is some sort of half-assed fucking version. Yeah. I don't like it. Bic, B-I-C, love those pens. Great pens. The classic pen.

Yeah. That's what you want from a brand for like when people think of the object, they're thinking of the way that you make them. Yep. of the object. Yep. They're thinking of your, the way that you make them. Yep.

That is, I've always thought if I had a personal sponsorship, I would love to be sponsored by Big Pens. Oh, that's great. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

That's pretty funny for comedy too because it's like your, if you just had like a, like if you're talking at the start of your show about how, oh, right, you know,

you talk about what you've talked about on the pod. Yeah. Write them down, scrap some papers, I'm walking around and you're out there in a full, like you're a race car driver.

Just a jumpsuit that's just got the Bic logo all over it. I would love that. And then you're wearing a hat that's like a big pen lid. If anyone knows anything of anyone a Bic. Just the size of a big archbishop hat that's just blue. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And has a huge tail down the back of it. Yes.

Can you in your show dress up like a big pen? If I'm sponsored by Big, for sure. Oh, man. I'm not doing it for free. A big finale of a show where you walk out dressed up like a big pen would be fucking great. Mr. Squiggle's a fucking hack. Just his nose is a pencil.

Get this cunt. My whole body's a pen. So as a closer, instead of saying the joke, I write it with myself. You write it down with your head. With myself. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A strong man comes out, picks you up, and uses your head to write on a huge bit of paper that's at the back of the stage. Great. Great. I would love that. Big. Big. Big.

The crystal. The classic pen. I'm carrying around, I always carry them around on me. I'm carrying around two always carry them around on me I'm carrying around two on me right now you're struggling to find I'll take your word for it it's fine

man I want you to believe me I remember an old Hughesy joke where he was talking about buying a Bic razor and how shit they were

and he was like stick to making pens Bic you know what I'm disappointed in to making pens, Bic. You know what? I'm disappointed in myself. The Bic Crystal, I had an emergency the other day. I was walking around. I was trying to write jokes.

I didn't have a pen. It stopped working. I went in and got like a 10-pack and it's the slightly budget Bic Pen. So it's not even called – it's not actually the crystal. It's like the one below. They haven't written – they don't have crystal written on the side. Get that shit out of my house. Get that povo shit out of my house.

I know. And it's like the colour of it, it's like a deeper, it's like more of a purpley sort of. Yeah, it's bordering on black. Yeah. You really want that blue. When you're using a ballpoint pen, you want that nice rich blue. Exactly.

Not that you would know anything about that. Yeah, I know, I know. I've heard. It's what I've heard. I. Not that you would know anything. Yeah, I know. I know. I've heard. It's what I've heard. I've heard tell. Yeah. Thanks, Nicole.

Thanks, Nicole. Brownwood, whatever your name is. Greywood. Thanks, Nicole. Brown Simpson. RIP.

RIP. RIP. Yeah, totally. Hope it's not too soon, but yeah, RIP. Yeah. It's not too soon to say RIP. And also. R.I.P. Yeah, totally. I hope it's not too soon, but yeah, R.I.P. Yeah. It's not too soon to say R.I.P.

And also, he's innocent. Set up. It's a set up. You must acquit. All right, let's do one more. I'm fucking too hungry. Yeah, me too. This is the thing.

You can have your little fasting, but you've got to have something at the end of it. You're having a water there. Yeah, what time is it? It's lunchtime. Oh, God, it is deep lunchtime. Yeah, it's over. I'm overdue. It is 12.47, and I could have been eating it, I think, half past 11.

Yeah, I was pretty hungry. I almost got a little snack before the pod. Oh, I walked here. I stopped here. I walked to your house. And so I talked a couple of weeks ago about being off the grogs. So my news resolution to do January without alcohol and without bread. Yep. And just walking down the street where you see nothing but signs on windows saying sandwiches, toasted sandwiches in here. I'm like, fuck, I could go a beer or a sandwich or something.

Anything I'm not allowed to have. So what's the plan? It's the first this weekend. Are you just going to go absolutely turbo on the stroke of midnight? Well, this is – the plan is no. The plan is like to go as long as I sort of can because, you know, it's a nice thing to not as long as i sort of can because you know it's been it's it's a nice thing to not have to do those sort of things i feel like the first week is pretty hard and then

once you get into the groove and you're just not doing yes it's easy i agree like every time i've gone i'm gonna not drink for a month i end up not drinking for like close to three yeah because i'm just like oh well i'm in the zone and now it's like addictive to see how many days i can rack up yes well i've never done this before so i'm in the zone and now it's like addictive to see how many days I can rack up. Yes. Well, I've never done this before, so I'm learning all of that now. So I'm sort of like, okay. And we talked a couple of weeks ago about this and about how a friend of the show, Milan, very surprising to a lot of people,

has been off the grogs for like three months now. Yeah. And his whole reputation. He's like Tommy Little. He clocked alcohol. Yes. There's rumours that he's a teetotaler um so he and we've been talking about a lot because i was like i was legitimately i was

like i'm inspired by if you could get up you know not have a drink and not worry about it so can i so yeah yeah so uh i've been going back and forth with him a lot about it going you know this is how many days what about you sponsor yeah yeah that's literally so i was walking down the street the other just a couple nights ago perfect conditions i walked past three pubs near my house absolutely beautiful um weather perfect weather for having a drink i just been at the gym yep could literally physically do with a drink post-gym beer yeah it just feels great yeah so i i ring him and go i'm feeling like a beer i feel like i should ring you my sponsor you i feel like you're my sponsor i feel like i need a beer and he's so i need your help and his answer is what pub are you going to i'll meet you

there great no that's not how you do it he's like no i'm i'm he goes i've been off for three months i think i'm ready i think i'm ready. I'm like, am I now your sponsor? Stop it. You're doing good. Relax. It would be fun for you guys, though. Why not? Yeah.

I have to do at least January, though. It's also like if you've set a month for yourself, once you get near the end, it's almost like it becomes hard again because you're telling yourself you're just going to do the month. So what? The first is on Saturday, I think. So come Thursday, Friday, I have this mentality of like,

I could have one now. I basically made it. I basically made it. What's one day? Like if I was out on Thursday and it was really kicking off around me and I was like, you know what? This seems like good fun. Why beat myself up?

But you're always going to know in the back of your head. Didn't quite make it. I'll tell you what. I'm more tempted for a sandwich at this point. I'm fucking going crazy. Anyway, let's finish this off. Let's do one more. Let's just do one more.

Yeah, okay. And then let's go and eat something. We're going to go and eat together somewhere, I think, aren't we? Yeah. Yeah. What are we going to eat, I wonder? Yeah, I wonder what kind of cuisine we're going to end up having. No, come on.

I think we're going to go into the city and that's – I don't eat too much Thai in the city. I went into the city yesterday and had a pretty disappointing meal. Oh, what was it? I just went to this noodle place that I've kind of walked past a few times and thought, you know what, I'm going to check this out. I want to see what's going on here. And it was like, not great. No.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber Lassie Comedy. Lassie Comedy. So, oh, like the famous dog. Oh, I didn't even think about that. My first thought was, oh, that's another cool boy's name that i could use if i had a if i had a son yeah yeah yeah that would actually that would be pretty cool i was gonna say is that is that that's another cool name i thought i thought well i've never heard it anywhere else before that's not associated with anything else

so i can just use that as a boy's name no it's famous uh don't you remember the old show, Lassie Comedy? What's that, girl? There's some bad content down the well? That sounds like a new show we're currently making, not an old show. All right. Thanks, everyone. Thanks, everyone. Bye. We'll see you next week.